121822

[prismaticbleed]

 
(unfinished entry; will refine & expand later. publicizing so we don't hide it)


All over the place day.

Of course, the main thing was 5 hours of church, which we always enjoy thoroughly.
HOWEVER. Today, after the 830 mass, when we were eating our quick breakfast before the rosary, the choir director came up to us and said "hey, when I'm done organizing these papers, can I talk with you real quick?" We said yeah, absolutely. Breakfast only took like 15m so we finished that up and walked over to the organ to meet him, asked what's up?
He said, "take out your binder and turn to I Wonder As I Wander. I want to have you sing that as a solo."
...EXCUSE ME WHAT
I... we've wanted to sing a solo for the Christmas season for years. The choir always does "O Holy Night" as a solo but Mr. Z (who left the choir upon COVID at his wife's behest) always did it, and the past two years I think it was Mr. K? But this year it's his grandson, who has a really great voice (he's big into theater & musicals, we wish him the absolute best), and we're genuinely very happy for him with that-- we do not and will not insist on a solo. For heavens sakes our voice pales in comparison with all those guys; we wouldn't want that spotlight anyway.
Still... we do want to "give our voice" as a gift in such a special context, in this season we love so dearly, with the songs we love to sing. "O Holy Night" isn't one of our favorites-- it's just another carol to us, no offense-- but it was the "only option" if we wanted to give our voice in such a specific, intentional manner, as far as we were aware.
...We have never sang I Wonder As I Wander in our church, at ALL. This is the first time ever. And it's arguably our favorite carol. It's haunting and it's a bit melancholy but it's beautiful and it feels like us.
We offhandedly mentioned that "it was our favorite" during choir practice about two weeks ago, literally just a spontaneous joyful comment when we saw it, forgotten as quickly as it was said... or so we thought. Apparently our choir director, God bless him, not only heard but took it to heart, and he told us this morning specifically that "I heard you say it was your favorite" and... wow. That touched our heart.
So... he sat down at the keyboard.
NOT the organ. The little Yamaha. The piano. And he said you're gonna sing, and I'm gonna back you up. Literally "you own the song." Our pace, our dynamics, whatever.
And so we turned to face the empty church, and he played two rolling A-chords to lead us in, and... we sang.
...I am literally in tears right now, haha. Legit blurred vision here.
This means so much to us. Of ALL the carols we could have possibly sung, if there is one that speaks of our heart, this is it. 

I wonder as I wander, out under the sky,
How Jesus the Savior did come for to die
For poor ordinary people like you and like I.
I wonder as I wander, out under the sky...

It's a musical snapshot of our soul in the snow, honestly.

...

We stopped at home briefly when masses were over, and decided to do a quick shopping run-- admittedly we have a bad habit of doing so on Sundays, as we've "already been out for so long" and our brain is readily in that public-space mode; on other days of the week it is legitimately distressing to "hard shift" into social mode out of the blue if we need to go shopping, then come home and have to UNSHIFT. That often triggers dissociative crises, so. God forgive us, we usually do our little trips on Sundays. Still... that's not cool; it's a day of rest, and we often end up starving for God after Church (in a good way) so we'd rather spend our time praying and such. Again, thank God, now with therapy every Tuesday that gives us a better, earlier option to go out driving & doing errands, and if we still want to keep our two-meal later-breakfast plan, we can easily get an hour of shopping in after our appointment-- if we don't dissociate we don't take long anyway, as we don't need much and it's so routine it's getting steadily easier to do; the hardest part is just the social atmosphere, Walmart continues to be hell-- and get home for noon at the absolute latest. Or we can get up stupidly early and go before, haha. We'll see. In any case it would be prudent to prep breakfast before, maybe even the night before, including the eggs, so that if we are running late we won't be eating at like 2 and then crashing because that pushes dinner to 7pm or later.
Anyway! We have no money and won't until our payee approves our request (which still takes time to process), BUT we have one cash receipt from when we got some surprise donations last month, and two "backup" Pedialytes & a Powerade from that order that we could return (which would give us about $13). In any case, we were all but out of carrots and the cheapest place for those is Wegmans-- which is also the only place where we can get Xennie's fortune cookies at a decent price. So that was the plan-- get some cash, go get those two things, and go home. In any case it would be a nice drive, and some time with Genesis of course, which is always enjoyable.

Walmart return & Wegmans stop
Candy honesty-- only four pieces, cashier last time said "take 'em for free" but we didn't have that permission today so we went back out to the car and got change, came back in and paid for them. God knows we used to steal food all the time, we never want to slip back into that behavior even a little bit. have to be honorable and sincere.
driving: new snail's house song "Cherry" on loop
then put on Celebi's playlist. haven't given her focused attention in a very very long time.
listened to "miracle drug" by u2. that's been her "theme song" since like... high school. always made me think of her. listening to the lyrics now, with everything lately... realizing i've always loved her really, for a very long time. even if we've been distant. emotions i couldn't really put words to. this is still paradoxically very new

Didn't eat until after 3
Body CRASHED
Felt so nauseous & disheveled 
Also allergic reaction??? Hives & red face, but from WHAT?

Pushing Bible study too much.
Want to do daily devotion typing but being too ambitious? making it a "job" and it's exhausting
Still-- MAJOR revelation today w/ eternal life & relationship, from the devotional.
copy+paste it here asap, write about it

don't remember how it happened but, god we are so sorry,
we ended up BINGEING from 4 to 7 approx
Blood sugar TANKED. fell to 62 by the time we thought about checking it.
body shaking so hard, head reeling, almost blacked out. no sugar in house. forgot we had pedialyte. ended up eating the emergency box of raisins from the bedroom, thank god we had that.
So so sick, legit almost went to ER

Wrecked
Nauseous shaky tired sick scared 
Mom thinks we might have the flu? or a stomach bug?
apparently the binge was motivated by feeling so sick?? and wanting to throw up? domino effect
hope we aren't sick though. as a kid someone always got sick for christmas. too much socializing. need to take time off and just rest, be home as a system. heck maybe this is god's way of saying "kid sit down for heaven's sakes" haha. it wouldn't be the first time

Going to bed right now


Other notes.
Found the picture of celebi's baby. it was in a league folder??? i guess someone was in direct denial of what it obviously was. date is 1222, no year. still wow. almost that date now.
celebi says she wants to wait until the new year to even try hatching it. we remember how quickly xenophon grew when chaos & i started focusing all our attention and love on her. but this kid is so new, situation so scary, so much else going on. cel will keep it safe, and infi will too, but christmas has its own focus. we will wait.

Planning to sketch commission hydro for the 23rd, if we get the guts, and put together a reference for our core. which is a daunting task. haven't done so since before nc i think? i remember we had NO self-image during that time, which fueled the eating disorder and the traumatic experiences. no sense of identity at all.
but not so now. picrew is helping at least start that visualization "rough draft," process of elimination.

church folks said we will possibly get a white Christmas!!