oct 26 2015

[prismaticbleed]

1026

- dad made these really cool lantern-shaped wooden post decorations for his sidewalk, brought them in today. I got to primer them, had spots of it all over my hands and clothes. that's basically dad's aesthetic-- all paint and smoke-- i felt like him for a bit, which was amusing.



later:

mother preaching lies about me as truths. Speaks them so confidently that my brain gets confused. “is that true or not?” She says it with such declarative conviction, part of me is afraid that her very saying it makes it true.
And that breaks my heart. I AM NOT THE PERSON SHE SAYS I AM.

celebi said, “they’re sowing bad seeds. Don’t you dare go after them and water them. You didn’t plant them. You just left fertile soil for them.”

This is feeding the evil alters, and this also shows WHY THEY ARE ALL FEMALE!!!!
The mother says, “she did this on purpose,” “she only thinks of herself,” “she is always spiteful,” “she hates you,” “she has no ambition,” “she is sheer evil” … et cetera.
It’s always female pronouns. We have never heard her say ANYTHING bad about someone with a male pronoun, except the father, who she notably refers to as “your father” or “that man” or by his name. She NEVER refers to him with a generic male pronoun, at least, not that we can actively recall.
BUT she praises the brothers, and her boyfriend, and that standing in stark contrast to how she speaks against us and the grandmother is sufficient enough to form a very bad subconscious root. An evil tree, as Celebi would say. Don’t water that thing.

So I won’t.
Let’s plant good seeds instead.

Cel and CZ are super-buddies now and I love this, it makes me SO HAPPY, it really does. I adore them both, being able to spend time just being close with both of them now is… wonderful. See this is why I still identify as “quoiromantic” or what have you, because when I really really think about this, the only word that truly encapsulates it is friendship.
Is that because we're not "romantic" as it is? In heartspace, CZ can be romantic, overly so even, but that's when he's with Jewel and that's a time-locked environment. He can also slip badly into Tarry states when he's like that. Same with Cel.
See, that upsets me though. Romance is a Tar gate. It always has been. But that has roots as far back as childhood. It needs to be healed, still, but that needs evidence to the contrary in order to properly happen, and THAT'S only going to occur through Leagueworlds. Anyhow that's another topic.
Point is, the three of us aren't romantic, but we love each other so much. And so it really does feel like friendship. "Queerplatonic" I think is the word, actually. But it's what we have right now. And it's everything I could have ever wanted from this.

Those two have always had a very very notable connection anyway, since the very beginning. It's a standalone thing; I can't really "look into it" because it's just there. But I think that their partnering-up now, in addition to that list of similarities, could have more significance in headspace as it grows, so I'll look into that instead.


Still playing Undertale. I’m in the snowy place now and I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING. Papyrus is adorable, Sans is hilarious, I’m still crying over Toriel (that entire bit destroyed me I need to type about it) and I am so excited to see what happens next.