prismaticbleed | 126 AM (Reply)

Well, first of all, I want to apologize for my incredibly strange entries as of late.
I guess it's just my attention problems kicking in... even so, I am sorry if I'm coming off as immature or spasmodic.

Let me just say what's on my mind right now.

1) I keep fluctuating between wanting to leave everything I know of the world behind and start over, or just struggling through it with what I have. I honestly don't know which is best, and I can't stop considering the other option. It's very upsetting.

2) Being up late like this. It's not helping my health or schedule, and now that I might be diabetic, the last thing I need is another medical problem. It's hard enough trying to stay in shape with all the stress on my head.

3) College bills as usual. I'm all panicky now as my aforementioned medical problems are causing me a ton of trouble in class... I'm having serious trouble learning as usual, but now it's on a cruelly grand scale.

4) I'm starting to forget my name as anything but a sound to react to, which scares me. I read that a human being will always retain their name somewhere in their memory despite all other losses, as it's their one true identification. Well, what does it mean if I honestly am not sure what my name is anymore?

5) Alice and Darkrai. I understand that I'm griping about personal pain and junk, but I can't get the whole A+D thing out of my head. Why? Because it hurts. Let me rant for a moment... even if you don't support their being in a relationship, you have to admit that yes, in the movie it's apparent that they honestly care for each other. But then, if you throw the slightest hint of a deeper connection into the fray, it suddenly becomes something terribly sad. And, if you know me, you'll know that I seem to be addicted to that sort of thing. I was listening to "I Will Be With You" all day today, and those lyrics just ached... but now that I've found an Internet clip of Oracion, I can use that for my daily dose of heartache instead. Honestly, forget all connection it has to that pairing... the music, in itself, literally hurts. It's beautiful, but it hurts. So I've been listening to that...

6) I seem to have taken both Laurie and Nightcrawler's words to heart, too. I've accepted the fact that, yes, my body is addicted to pain, but now I've actually started the "one for every sin" thing I considered a few months back. Yes, I'm beginning to give myself surface scars (which actually hurt a heck of a lot more than cuts) every time something major happens with Julie. It's tough fighting her, as she's my shadow and all... but I'm trying so hard. God help me, I don't want her touching me ever again, but the only way I know to keep her away is to slice another cross into my stomach. I wish there was another way I could see.

7) Deadlines. I have paid commissions to finish, music to write for my job, tons of personal projects to finish as always, work to do for class, bills to pay, et cetera... and then I wonder why I'm so stressed out, once I throw all that worry into a boiling cauldron and add my medical problems and family life into the mix. It burns me out so fast.

8) Friends. It's always been hard for me to make friends, ever since I was a child... but whenever I finally manage to, then I get to suffer the pain of losing them 90% of the time. That's not an exaggeration. Even now, when I think I've found the truest friends I'll ever meet, I'm terrified that they're going to fade away for some reason. I'm afraid that reason is me.

That's it for now... it's almost 2AM and I have an appointment at noon tomorrow, as usual. Can't miss that.

I'm going to try desperately to remix Oracion tomorrow... I need to somehow take this song into my heart and add something to it, if that's even possible.
I'll try.

I always try.

Current Music: "Oracion"