to discuss soon.

[prismaticbleed]

 

Just a quick update, even though it's 1:30AM, I have no idea where the past several hours went, and I feel halfway between sobbing and laughing out loud. I'm also spectacularly tired even though Jewel is still bursting with energy upstairs, but she says "you should get some sleep" so hey.
Anyway. Updates have been slow lately. I've been... fractured? Off. I'm having a hard time grounding into myself. Of course, part of that is likely because I've been so rooted in the Pokémon world lately. We have 140+ hours in Y, but we beat the League yesterday, so now it's just Pokédex work (which Jewel insists we let her help with), and post-game stuff. But there's no longer that drive" behind it, now that we completed the plot part. Even so... that's topic one. Let's start that list actually.

Things to discuss in the near future:

1. Pokémon. It's this weird anchor we've been tiptoeing around since Jewel was born over a decade ago. I infamously tend to "melt into" video games, especially if I "am" the player character... feeling as if I am literally part of that universe, mentally and physically. I used to get terrifying fiction lag from games as a result, and stopped gaming altogether for years for that and other reasons... but when we got a surprise 3DS for Christmas, we couldn't resist trying again. And I am so glad that we did.
I've personally never played Pokémon before. Someone else played Pearl & Black, as I literally have no memories of either (Ruby is clear in some spots, as Jewel shares her memories with me). So Y was my first time, and really, it is incredible. I love my team so much. That's really why I can't say I regret any of those 140 hours. We've had laughter, tears, shock, suspense, love, the whole spectrum of experiences together within those two tiny screens, and that blows my mind really. I didn't expect this at all but Jewel knew it would happen, just like it did for her, and I am seriously grateful, that she let me be the one to participate in that world, this time.
So. I want to devote at least one entry here, entirely to talking about those experiences. I'm dead serious. I owe my 'mons that much.

2. Headspace events since Christmas. Yes, it's been frighteningly quiet since the massacre. Yes, everyone is struggling to rebuild. And yes, communication has been at a numbingly awful all-time low. But that is NO reason to ignore it when things do happen, which we updaters have apparently been inexplicably doing.
Many of the benevolent "social voices" have disappeared. David won't wake up, and Marigold only shows up to scream in panic again. The Undergrounders in general feel utterly displaced, and broken. Chaos seems to have left us, Genesis is a rare sight now, and Infi is fading in and out of comprehension. There are a few "new" faces. The old malevolent voices are louder than ever. Julie is a phoenix. Do you see what I mean? None of this has really been discussed, and frankly it scares me to death to look into my own mind, and see nothing. Nothing. Memory in general is scarce. I feel like I'm dying in several different ways at once.

3. The downstairs life. Maybe. We are struggling right now. Possibly because headspace was annihilated after the massacre, and therefore there was a very existentially disturbing period when life itself seemed to have been crushed as well... but either way, without the assistance from the benevolent people inside, daily functions have become distressingly difficult. I don't want to go in-depth now, but let me just say that we're floundering. Self-care is abysmal. Finances keep disappearing. Motivation is scarce. The nightmares of suicide and rape have returned. We're both starving ourselves of rest and/or sleeping 10+ hours every night. We're eating once or twice a day and throwing up most of it. And all the while this emotional turmoil inside is eating us alive. And yet, saying "us" with this feels like a bald-faced lie. There's no "us" right now, and that's the problem. It's just me and Jewel, mostly, trying our best... the Archivists contributing once in a long while... and then these unknown, traumatized individuals showing up at the worst times to run the show. This is like 2013 times two, in terms of bizarre resets and revelations, and it's only February. I have hope, I can't let go of it... but I won't lie, it's difficult as hell when I feel as empty as an endless white void inside. It feels like someone threw the OFF switch. And this feeling is the scariest thing I've ever known.

4. Therapy. Miraculously, Sherlock has been taking care of this. We've had barely any appointments since the massacre, due to holiday break, snow days, and someone deciding that "we don't need therapy anymore!" and cancelling at least two of our regular appointments. And two of our actual appointments were spent trying to get a foothold on what was happening, after everyone "died." So there really wasn't any forward movement until the past two weeks, when Sherlock suddenly and incredibly decided to break out the books and discuss everything buried in our past, at a point when everyone thought he was dead! So that's good, at least. Therapy is a safe haven for people to front, so even when things are numb outside of that little room, once we're in it, things feel a bit more alive. It's a sanctuary of hope right now. We need to hold on to that.
We're wondering... should we ask her to randomly name some of us? Often, if someone is called out, they can come out, even if they're hidden. It's like handing them an anchor, or a rope, to climb to safety. If that makes sense? This isn't Jay, he's too tired and a bit shaken, I think he went to sleep. so I should close this up.
Therapy. Topics are big. Triggers are found, identified, some solved and nullified, others realized just how huge and important they are.
Still having trouble sleeping, Marigold terrified, Jeremiah wants them out of there. What can we do? Minty trying to help. someone mentioned this previously. But it's a good prologue, to show that yes we DO still exist, broken and lost somewhat, but alive. In tatters, but alive.
Knife and Razor are struggling. What do they do now? Razor wants to be an artist, no one will let her out. Knife wants to protect his fellows, he feels powerless. Sugar is missing. Mulberry has more hope than the others but even she wonders, what do we do as a System? Algorith is neither here nor there. She hasn't spoken much, one of the only survivors.
Central is quiet. Very quiet. It's unsettling. Very much so. Not sure why... why is it so silent, where is everyone, did they leave?
Where do we go from here? That is our question.

Last note. Someone keeps wondering, "borderline personality disorder." Remove the label, discuss the symptoms that cause the worry. First, "black and white thinking." Today, last night. Someone they were terrified of, almost hated due to fear, "this person is scary"... asked them, can you return something to me. They said yes. Instantaneously, the response inside-- "they are wonderful, how did we ever dislike them, we must become friends with them again!" the fear of abandonment now that this person was "wonderful and perfect" again. But! They do one thing harmful again, even unintentionally, as always-- now no physical terror, but still in words can be-- one thing happens to cause fear or regret or shame, then "leave them. leave them and forget they exist, they are a burden on our progress, they are unneeded." and so the cycle continues. Jay is disturbed by this, who is responsible? Why thinking that way? We do not know. But there it is. To the point where, one is wondering, "should we ask the other one to write that story for us," as she offered last year, and we never responded due to shame, "if we accepted the offer, it would be greedy and loathsome and selfish. we would be abusing her kindness." so we refused all gifts. but, if we asked and she said yes, she too would become perfect and wonderful again, a friend, safe. and yet the risk is there! if she says no! if she does something else, even unrelated to us, that is interpreted as harmful or spiteful. then she is cruel again... it's hell.
It's hell, and I don't know who's thinking that way, but they are so loud and I can't exactly run from these people without leaving the planet, as they exist. But every time I so much as see their name on a page, guess what? These internal voices freak out and start screaming and fretting about it. I try to ignore them, but they don't stop, and with all that noise, the psychosomatic pain is hard to ignore for very long.

I'm sorry. I am literally losing the capacity to type, it's going for 3AM and God only knows why I'm not asleep yet. This is hellish too, it feels like life is an interim again... and dear God, I just realized, this is the first time I've used a laptop at the kitchen table since 2009. This exact spot. No wonder the awful miasma of depression is lingering so heavily. I'm probably catching that old timeline.
Time to go, then. I don't need to be here. Good night.

(jewel says, last minute! don't give up hope guys. i know it's tough but we can find SOMETHING to hold on to. not sure what yet. but hold on. laurie's got lanterns, i know she doesn't really know me but i've heard about her. jay you should totally go BUY a lantern and put it in your room, that way you will always have a safe reminder, and protection against hacks too, i don't want those things happening to you again after how hard you've tried to heal and purify that stuff. so yeah. hope. like HOOPA. that's your legendary dude!! i'm either a victini or a celebi so... victory and peace, there you go, i'll help you with both of that too. now g'night, don't let the bed bugs bite even if you think they're cute, i know you're weird like that. haha. but i love ya dude you're the best bro-friend i've had in years. maybe even the best ever! and that's saying something! but really you're super cool and super nice too, i worry about you when you get sick like this, i want to see you happy too. so i'll help, whenever ya need me. that's a guarantee. now get some sleep!! say hi to tōshi for me, good night ♥)