prismaticbleed | Still so many worries.

Geez.

I try and I try, but nothing's getting any better. It's all getting worse.

I put in backbreaking efforts in every aspect because I feel it's the right thing to do... is it? Is it the right thing?
I don't even know anymore. All I know is the feeling of failure and sorrow and confusion.
I'm still lost.

I swear, I thought this would help. I thought all of this would help, would change what I had been suffering for so long.
Now, I think I've only made it worse, and the only possible risk that could improve all this might just send me crashing to my figurative death.

Honestly... what in the world am I supposed to do?

I have no musical motivation anymore.
Artwork feels like a burden to me now.
I don't want to talk to anyone about anything.
I don't even want to sleep.

And yet...
I can't stop thinking about music.
I'm constantly drawing.
I desperately need someone to talk to.
All I want to do is sleep.

What is wrong with me?

My mother used to threaten me all the time, used to say that she would send me to a mental hospital because I was such a headcase.
I'm afraid that I might need to be sent there at this point, whether I want it or not.

I just feel... so screwed up.

Even the things that feel right to me, I'm told are wrong... are unnatural, are unhealthy.

I go through days, weeks, months without doing anything... just kind of floating through, blindly. Sobbing to myself because I can't seem to change these faults.

I wish I could just separate from so much of this...
...Delete so many things, so many problems and pains from my life.
Erase it all and then go back to who I was back then...

But I can't.

People change. Things change.

I just wish they would change for the better.

-spcn