Do you fear death?

[prismaticbleed]

The truth is, I forget what pain feels like on the outside.
I beg for physical pain. I'm going to desperate measures just to get it, even if it scares me. I just... I need that sharp sensation, that burn, that ache. I need to feel something.

I'm sick and tired of hurting on the inside.
Insults, put-downs... self-hatred. It feels like someone took my heart, stuck it full of red-hot needles, and then shoved it back in me. It hurts and I'm tired of it.

Give me Laurie. Please, God, somehow... give me Laurie. I need someone to remind me that I can hurt in some other way. I need someone to get be back on track.
I need someone to keep me from completely losing my mind.

I've always been less than everyone else, somehow.
I've always felt inferior. I've always felt forgotten.
Even in college, no one remembers my name. I'm seldom acknowledged.
On a crowded campus, surrounded by souls, I feel completely exiled.

I don't even know why I spend so much time online anymore.
I have no motivation to talk. I have no motivation to check messages or read journals or update clubs.
I don't want to be involved with it at all.

All I want to do is sleep.
I want to close my eyes for days, literal days... just get lost in some mental world and forget the physical one I came from.
I want to lose myself and find out who I am in the meantime.

I miss Preludove.
I miss Hosea.
I miss Volt.
I miss Monika.
I miss Amber.
I miss Heartlight.
I miss Selph.
What have I been doing?
I've been putting everyone I care about off to the side.
I've been putting you all on the back-burner
And I've been bringing myself down.

Preludove's practically the only reason I'm even in college.
Geez... am I that selfish, that I'm ignoring everything she's ever done for me?
Am I that selfish, that I'm forgetting about the people I love the most?

I am such a selfish idiot.

I hate myself so much nowadays... even when I seem happy with myself, on the inside I never am.
I've done awful things to myself, I've done awful things to other people.
I'm disrespectful, I'm a liar, I'm a cheat, I'm a hypocrite, I'm a slacker, I'm a selfish bitch who at least has the decency to avert her eyes from the failure in the mirror.
There are some horrible parts of me that wouldn't hesitate to attack someone without mercy if they got too close. I've done that before.
There are some horrible parts of me that would destroy the hearts of everyone I knew if I didn't constantly tell them to shut the heck up and leave my fellow souls alone... and then I'd go and tear that person apart in my own mind.

I hate myself.
No... that's not true.
I hate whatever the hell I've become.

This isn't me.
This failure with the backwards priorities and nonexistent willpower isn't me.
I hate her. I hate Jessica with a burning passion and I swear, one day Laurie and I are going to fucking kill her.
I refuse to let that demon of weakness and vice live alongside my own soul.
I might fight her until the day I die, but I refuse to let her win.

I can keep Julie back if I try hard enough.
I killed Jessica once.
If I just try harder... I can lock Julie away with my vices and kill the weaknesses that are shredding my personality so badly.
I am a slave to no id.

...I just want freedom. I love so many people, sure, but... I need freedom.
That and I'm always so scared.
I don't want anyone near me.
It's far too easy to hurt them when they get too close.

I don't want to hurt anyone.
I don't want to kill anyone.
I don't want to cause any pain or heartache.

I know how terrible I really am, and I know how cruelly I'm acting towards others as a result...

I need to say some extra prayers tonight.
God, whatever the heck is wrong with me... help me fix it, and fast.
I can't take this anymore.





I'm beginning to fear that dark abyss.
All my deeds lay bare, all my sins punished...

Contrition only does so much.
I've done wrong, so much wrong... no matter how hard I try, I never try hard enough.
I always screw up.

One day I'll suffer for these sins of mine, and I'm scared.

I've always wanted to save the world.
But...

How can I save the world if I lose my soul?







Life is hard
And so am I
You'd better give me something
So i don't die

Novocaine for the soul
Before I sputter out

Life is white
And I am black
Jesus and his lawyer
Are coming back
Oh my darling
Will you be here
Before I sputter out?

Guess who's living here
With the great undead?
This paint-by-numbers life
Is fucking with my head
Once again

Life is good
And I feel great
'Cause mother says I was
A great mistake

Novocaine for the soul
You'd better give me something
To fill the hole
Before I sputter out