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prismaticbleedTaking a break from reality again.
I do this at least once a week now... today was an emergency, otherwise I wouldn't be here on a Thursday night.
Explanation. Apparently, I missed an orchestra rehearsal on Tuesday, so now I can't play in tonight's concert.
Well, that just crushed me. Why? Because I'm so freaking unreliable. People count on me for things... little things, big things... and I let them down.
Why?
It hurts terribly, I'll say that now, but it hurts even more when people brush it off, forgive me... still trust me.
Called my grandmother about 10 minutes ago to give her the news. Expected a guilt trip... got a "that's okay" and no complaints. Hung up and almost burst into sobs.
I still don't know why people are always so nice to me.
And that's another thing that gets me.
I'd do the exact same thing for anyone else, no ifs ands or buts. That's how I work, I run on unconditional love. So why am I so shocked, so stunned, when someone gives it back to me?
Personally, I think it's an unlucky combination of excessive guilt and malformed humility... as well as a painfully low expectation standard from the world.
It's weird: sometimes I feel that I'm the only one who should be treated unkindly... but I only think that as a scapegoat wish, as a strange hope that if I take all this negativity onto myself alone, then no one else will have to suffer it.
...Selph is worried about me. He's sitting across the table, with the most concerned look on his face. Man but I love my muse... I really need to draw him more.
(Cue a giftart guilt trip...)
Even so. Just like the Bible says, all this guilt and sadness has had a very positive aftereffect. I'm trying extremely hard to do better.
I have 6 tracks tow rite for FFN-- that's it-- and my first self-imposed deadline is Christmas. I want at least 2 done then.
See, I have a horrible OCD habit of getting things done last-minute and last-minute only... it's not good. But if I play it to my advantage, I can get all this work done on time regardless.
But this is no time to rant about that. I have a medium green tea latte to finish and many sketches to do first.
For just a little longer... I'd like to stay in my peaceful interim. My escape.
Geez...
...I can't wait until Monday.
I do this at least once a week now... today was an emergency, otherwise I wouldn't be here on a Thursday night.
Explanation. Apparently, I missed an orchestra rehearsal on Tuesday, so now I can't play in tonight's concert.
Well, that just crushed me. Why? Because I'm so freaking unreliable. People count on me for things... little things, big things... and I let them down.
Why?
It hurts terribly, I'll say that now, but it hurts even more when people brush it off, forgive me... still trust me.
Called my grandmother about 10 minutes ago to give her the news. Expected a guilt trip... got a "that's okay" and no complaints. Hung up and almost burst into sobs.
I still don't know why people are always so nice to me.
And that's another thing that gets me.
I'd do the exact same thing for anyone else, no ifs ands or buts. That's how I work, I run on unconditional love. So why am I so shocked, so stunned, when someone gives it back to me?
Personally, I think it's an unlucky combination of excessive guilt and malformed humility... as well as a painfully low expectation standard from the world.
It's weird: sometimes I feel that I'm the only one who should be treated unkindly... but I only think that as a scapegoat wish, as a strange hope that if I take all this negativity onto myself alone, then no one else will have to suffer it.
...Selph is worried about me. He's sitting across the table, with the most concerned look on his face. Man but I love my muse... I really need to draw him more.
(Cue a giftart guilt trip...)
Even so. Just like the Bible says, all this guilt and sadness has had a very positive aftereffect. I'm trying extremely hard to do better.
I have 6 tracks tow rite for FFN-- that's it-- and my first self-imposed deadline is Christmas. I want at least 2 done then.
See, I have a horrible OCD habit of getting things done last-minute and last-minute only... it's not good. But if I play it to my advantage, I can get all this work done on time regardless.
But this is no time to rant about that. I have a medium green tea latte to finish and many sketches to do first.
For just a little longer... I'd like to stay in my peaceful interim. My escape.
Geez...
...I can't wait until Monday.
