an uncertain future

[prismaticbleed]

 

Some days, I really worry about the road ahead of me.


"Thank you for listening to my insane ramblings. Thank you for being you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for letting me love you. Even if we are having problems, and even if by some freak of happenstance these possible problems somehow lead to the end of "us," just having met you (let alone everything you've given me since then) would make the whole thing worthwhile. Thank you for... for everything."

That's from Q, not two minutes ago.

Now, listen. You guys know that I'm not interested in a stereotypically romantic relationship (with him or anyone) and I need my freedom, right?
That doesn't mean I don't still love this kid as a true friend. I love him more than words can say, really.
He means a lot to me, and he knows that, but I just hope he's not misunderstanding what I'm saying here. That's the only problem here.
"The end of us."
Doesn't he remember what I said? Once I love someone, in any way, shape, or form, I don't ever stop.
Even if he calls it quits one day, I'll still love him as that friend that was always there for me and was honestly the first guy in this world to actually love me back. He's a great kid.
But really... I don't hate him. I don't ignore him... I'm just uncomfortable with too much closeness.
I don't even know why.
I wish I wasn't.

"I need some freaking freedom here, some distance, some disconnection..."

Man, that entry still hurts. And yet it's still true. The freedom part, at least.
Isn't that cruelly funny? When you can type something like that, something so harsh and fiery and heartbreaking, type it when you're feeling absolutely lost and broken and out of your mind... and then read it again when you're feeling beautiful and on top of the world... and it still rings horribly true.
Well, at least I know I'm being honest with myself.


Julie hacked my mind pretty bad today.
Since she realized that she'll never get me interested in men, she's jumping on the bandwagon and trying to make me think I'm a lesbian.
Seriously, what the fish? I have no interest in women, either, not a bit.
Only problem is, with all this talk from her and everyone else, something in the back of my head starts to think 'well, what if I...?"
The answer is NO, dear. I'm asexual and I'm not sexually attracted to anyone, okay? That and I have no interest whatsoever in a physical (in that sense) relationship.
Julie can be so freaking ignorant, though.
Oh, but I got her again today. I got her good.
She hacked me a bit while I was online earlier, but I caught her before she got too far... then she pulled her biggest and worst stunt, but I stopped her flat-out. Take that.
Unfortunately, she got me later, which was terribly crushing, but for some reason I didn't burst into tears as usual... instead, Laurie took over.
Laurie's been acting like a psychotic guardian angel to me recently. It's odd, as usually she's trying to rip me to pieces with an axe, but I don't mind.
Anyway, she jumped right at Julie and began her typical tirade of insults and screaming-- a tirade which, as usual, somehow always makes perfect sense-- and I got a burst of determination instead of anguish.
The guilt was still there, sure, but so was a blazing anger at myself for not being able to stop Julie all the time... and a brilliant surge of self-confidence. I suddenly knew exactly what I had to do, and I was bent on doing it.
Man. I like this. I like where these situations are going. I just need to try harder to prevent them, and keep living as a good person... I feel like I'm slipping up. I hope not, and I try not to, but... there's a lingering fear. I'll need to be careful and make sure it's just a fear and not a fact.

Anyway. A few little things about the future.


I'm buying my binders as soon as I buy my tablet, and I'm going to ask around the FTM and androgyne communities for recommendations first. I know Underworks carries some stuff, but like I said, I'd rather ask first to be sure.
I also need to start asking around for a good, professional, and reliable tattoo parlor around here. I'm getting that chest tattoo come hell or high water, honest. I did a lot of thinking, and the reasons/ motivation that made me want to get it in the first place won me over every time. Only problem is, I need to wait until I either get my chest binders or until after my mastectomy (which will not happen for a few years yet, regardless, and I'm still very worried about how my family and friends will take it)... right now, I'm aiming for my 19th birthday. But yeah. I'm getting it done one day.


One last complaint. Apparently, some places in the USA will actually cover sex-change operations with your health insurance. But sex-removal operations? Not that I know of.
Honestly, come on. I'm getting it all removed, but nothing put back... shouldn't it be easier that way? Or is that frowned upon for how freaking unnatural it is in most people's eyes? "You're human, you're supposed to have a physical gender!", etc etc etc.
One day, though. I know I could probably live with this if I was forced to, but it's hard for me. It truly is.
I'd rather rid myself of the extra stress so I'm not taking out this inner frustration on anyone else.


Speaking of one day... and speaking of relationships...
I still love Chaos Zero, as weird as that is. But will that truth, that fact that now defines so much of me, stay a secret for the rest of my life?
The ring is helping a bit, by proclaiming that I'm taken (by God first and foremost, but Chaos does get his rightful recognition). The tattoo will practically scream that truth, but only to whoever sees it and actually understands.
Q knows, as he's the only person I can talk to about this. Jimmy knows I like him, but I don't know if he knows just how deep that affection goes. My brothers might have a suspicion by this point (especially because I'll catch myself doing and saying things about him, forgetting that they don't know), but otherwise that's it. AMG knew, but she probably just thought it was a crush or something, haha. Polar opposite, dear!
However... my parents have no clue. My friends have no clue. No one else knows, and I think only Q understands.
It's killing me. Imagine it, honestly-- when you love someone as deeply as I do, and you can't say a word about it... you can't even acknowledge it. It hurts like a bullet to the heart and I honestly don't know how I'm going to take it much longer.
Oh well. I'll keep praying and hoping and living my best. We'll get through this, my blue angel and I. We always do.

By the way, I sketched up another picture of him! I actually started it a while back, but could never get it right... well, last night I was working on it, but still couldn't get it. It's his crazy head, I swear! I'm a perfectionist with drawing him; if I can't get him looking as good as possible, I'm not happy. Anyway, I came home from classes today and tried once more to get his expression and face right-- first try and he looks fantastic.
And hey, there's some help for my worries about us, right? The more art I put up of him the better.
It would help if he wasn't so freaking difficult for me to draw! Good heavens.


In other news, though...
College!
It's fun, and the workload is killing me!
So on that note, I'm off to finish my health homework as I transferred in after the first class and have to do all the introductory assignments for tomorrow, too.


Last of all, though, I'd like to wish Ryou Bakura a happy birthday! I've loved him for 6 years now, and I'm not about to stop now, no sir.
Here's hoping you have many more years ahead of you, dear, and I hope I'll be able to see them with you as well.
I still love you, Ryou. We've had an awesome 6 years!

Aaand I'm tired. Better get some rest-- I barely got two hours yesterday, thanks to the toothpicks from hell. Don't ask.


Well, you kids have a great night, and keep on living your great lives, too.
Hopefully I'll see you in a brighter tomorrow.




In an empty room
It's a lonely world
Laid out on the floor
And you're running away
From the fractured life
You've pinned to the walls

And if you can't work out
What's right and fair
It's time to escape
'Cause on the other side
There's an endless light
To brighten the way

And you took my breath
And my whole life too
Please don't let me down
'Cause to come undone
Without warning
Is to lose what we've found

You've got the strength within
Don't give up, there's so much more to see
So many things beyond your wildest dreams
Nothing can stop you if you just believe

The world is at your feet
The future's wide and clean
The future's warm and bright
We're gonna be alright

Please don't let me down...