hesitation

[prismaticbleed]

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE


Laurie, I need to talk to you.

Right now?

Yeah. Sorry it took me so long to get on here. I had an auditory meltdown earlier and my mind's just been a mess since Tuesday.

You sure you can channel? You're not reaching me very well.

I'm not?

Nope. You feel really far away.

I wonder why?

Beats me. Probably exhaustion is all.

Well, in any case I do need to talk. About this morning, in light of the past few days.

Figures. What's the deal?

Tar dream hacks are very different than Julie's, despite them both coming from the same source. Julie would be direct to the point of trauma. I don't want to talk about that.

Then don't.

But the tar hacks are... insidious. Most times I don't even realize I'm being used until the last second, because they're so indirect, but it's horrifying.

Is that what happened today?

Yeah. Even if it wasn't... graphic, it was deeply disturbing. And of course having my entire body screaming in rebellion as soon as I wake up, which is inevitable, doesn't help either.

Hm. I guess not.

What do I do?

About the hacks?

Not just that, but... dealing with them. I don't think the tar hacks can be stopped on a dream level, unless I learn to go lucid, or something. But... they get to me so badly . I blame myself for them and I can't tell if they're my fault or not.

Why the heck would they be your fault?

I don't know! I just can't tell. It feels like I should be held morally responsible, even if I had no say in the event at all, simply because I was the one suffering from it.

See, that's one screwed-up perspective. You'd never do that to someone else, would you?

Of course not!

Then why are you doing it to yourself? Seriously J, that's one heck of a hypocritical situation.

I know. It just... feels like... like I should be blamed. Maybe it's my old sacrificial drive acting up. Where I felt I had to be the scapegoat for the world even if I didn't understand one iota of it. I was the only person I was aware of, I cannot become someone else, and somehow that existence justified my reprehensibility? I don't know how to explain it.

Is that tied into your separation thing?

Why?

Sounds like it could be. "I cannot become someone else," and that makes you blameworthy in your eyes. Are you dubbing yourself the world's biggest sinner simply because you can't be everyone and everything?

I don't know. That's a good question. Because I've never been able to make sense of that viewpoint, as it centered solely on the idea that "you are you, and only you, therefore, you are perpetually at fault." And even if I couldn't explain that, it made perfect sense, paradoxically. I didn't understand it and yet I felt obligated to believe it as some sort of far-reaching universal truth.

That's not a universal truth at all, J. You know what is though.

...Yeah.

And here we go again with the paradoxes. Why in the world can't you love yourself, kid?

I feel too separate.

You feel separate? From what?

Myself.

...The heck? How does that work?

It might be the physical/nonphysical dichotomy. You know who I am, Laurie.

Yeah, without a doubt.

And that's me. I know me. This is me, there's not a fragment of disbelief in that. But when I... whenever something happens to me in earthspace, it feels wrong? Disconnected?

Like there's an insurmountable wall between you and the world.

Kind of. Like... like I'm being forced to split in half. Oh, and because this world makes me identify with the body and it's not me! Yeah, I'm supposed to respect it and take care of it, but it's a gestalt machine and whenever people compliment me on looks or tell me to judge myself based on biological characteristics or something like that, it feels...

Wrong.

Objectively so. I hope I'm making sense, I feel utterly displaced.

Why? That audio thing from earlier?

Yeah. That was scary. There was so much noise, I actually started to pass out or something simply because my head could not handle that much sensory information. I had to go lay down and cover my head with pillows just to see straight.

Yeah, I saw.

I just get overloaded like that. But the 'shutdown' thing is worrisome. My mind... does that with a lot of things now.

I know.

Thanks to my PTSD. "I can't handle this, I can't escape it, so let's just pull the plug and black out until the situation changes!" Oh, and that's the problem I had with this morning! People usually tell me to "suck it up, take it like a man, don't let it bother you," but Laurie I was raped and I just... I can't.

I know.

I'm sorry. I feel like an idiot for talking about it.

Don't you dare. You have every right to talk to me about this.

But do I? I'm supposed to... to transcend this. Beyond black and white. As a Spark.

You're supposed to acknowledge the split though, as I keep repeating.

...Why is that? Why is it that, when I go through something so damaging, my first reaction is the inevitable pain, and my second one is to deny it because "you have no right to take a negative stance on this?"

It's called blinding yourself to your own emotions because you're not typically allowed to express them, are you.

...Am I?

Not by others, no. Look at your family. Look at your society. "Take it like a man," right? That translates to "shut up and stop complaining," which is another phrase I daresay you're far too familiar with.

Unfortunately.

So. No, you're not being allowed. On the other hand, nothing is stopping you from breaking that inflicted rule except your own inferiority complex, which, ironically, seems to have gained an iron foothold from that very same problem.

It has. Oh, but that's the other thing. Am I making an identity out of this? Because I can't.

Out of what?

All the pain I've been through. I realized it today, when I was thinking about all those diagnoses I've had tossed at me over the years. Aspergers, possible schizoid, gender identity disorder, depression, PTSD. So many labels. And then you get treated according to those labels, both medically and socially, and even when I'm online people declare these things right out in the open and when I so much as mention them it sounds ridiculous, idiotic? Like "how dare you label yourself." But... isn't that just acknowledging that I do have concerns that are different from someone who does not have those 'labels?' And asking that those concerns and boundaries, et cetera, be respected?

I don't see why it wouldn't be.

Because it also feels like "I have to fit these labels," or worse, like I'm defining myself by them.

Are you?

I can't tell! Like, listen, I'm an aspie and I know that I am very sensitive to light and sound and that sort of thing. But when I get overloaded, like today, and I just cannot take all that stimulation, does voicing that concern mean I'm "identifying" with that disorder? "Argue for your limitations and you'll get to keep them?" What am I even doing? I feel like I have no right to voice an opinion because then I'll be fabricating a role for myself based around that, even if it's only as temporary as the time it takes for me to say it.

Why are you so bloody concerned about this identity thing?

It's the separation issue. My heart hurts from being so separate. And... forming an "identity" just feels like I'm cutting myself off even more. "I'm queer, so I'm 'separate' from cis people." "I've been abused, so I'm 'separate' from people who haven't been." Why does it feel so wrong to acknowledge that?

Beats me, kid. I guess this is why you don't make much progress in the social scene either?

Sounds like it. "So what do you like?" Well... why is that a question? What does it matter? What does it mean to 'like' something? I get told that I'm looking too much into this, but that is legitimately how I feel, and I don't understand the world when it gets like this. "So what's your name?" Well... what's in a name? I go by an initial most days, Laurie, you know that...

Yeah. One letter, the closest thing you can get to nothing at all.

Exactly. This is so weird. But the biggest question is, with the dream hack and everything that led up to it and is hiding behind it... I hurt. It damaged me, it scarred me. So is saying that right or wrong? Or am I the one making a mess out of this by making it so black and white?

There's a perspective that might work.

Agh, it's just the identity thing. It feels like I'd be identifying with the pain by acknowledging it.

Is this why you keep sweeping your scars under the rug? Is this why you refuse to even tell your therapists why you're seeing them in the first place?

...Yeah.

Geez. Jewel, listen, I don't care if this gives you an 'identity' or not, this has to stop. You're hurting yourself way too bloody much.

So... what do I do?

If it hurts, talk about it. Express that. Don't ignore it, and DON'T blame yourself for it!

But... but am I the one making it hurt?

NO! Jewel, you were ABUSED. That is going to hurt whether you say it does or not!! Don't you understand me??

...I...

 Jewel, stop blaming yourself for this. You are NOT at fault. You forgive Julie, don't you?

Yes, a thousand times yes.

Then forgive yourself. If you can forgive the person who unwillingly did this to you, you can sure as heaven forgive the person who unwillingly suffered through it.

Was it unwilling?

Jewel, for heaven's sake, that meltdown on Tuesday was all the proof either of us should EVER need that it was the most unwilling thing you could have ever done.

...

It was. Come on, Jewel, if someone calls you a girl and you immediately shatter to bloody pieces because it reminds you of that hell, you don't want that to happen!!

I don't?

NO! Why the heck are you trying to convince yourself otherwise?!

I can't tell, Laurie. That's what I mean by the identity thing. Yeah, people calling me female is practically the biggest trigger I have. But... can I turn it off? Can I make it so that female perception won't trigger me?

You could, maybe, in time. But if you can't at the moment, that is NO bloody reason to act like you're at fault for what caused it to hurt in the first place!!

I guess not.

Now make sure you actually believe that, because seriously Jewel, this is unnerving me something fierce.

Why?

You are essentially blaming yourself for everything the tar does. Kid, that is NOT YOUR FAULT.

...I can't tell anymore.

It's not, for heaven's sakes. It's not. Do I have to cut my bloody arm off to convince you?

No! Why would you do that?

Because look at all the bloody scars I have too. I bled with every drop you shed, kid. And I didn't complain because I was protecting you. I saw how horrified you were so I KNOW you didn't want a bloody moment of this hell. I'd seriously die right now if it would convince you that you were blameless concerning this agony you're in. You are NOT at fault. You did NOT want any of this, and kid, you have GOT to stop trying to convince yourself otherwise. I would do anything to keep you safe at this point, but it's frightening as hell because it feels like now I have to protect you from yourself.

...

Tell your therapist about this. Yeah, I know how terrifying that notion is for you. But you need to speak up. Tell him that you have been through this abuse, and that it is still haunting your every waking moment, because until you get it off your chest to someone other than me, you are going to bottle that trauma up until it kills you. I know you would, because you still don't think it's valid. It is absolutely valid.

It happened upstairs. They'll think I'm crazy.

I don't care what they think, it still happened . The mind and the body both affect each other, and just because something happened upstairs doesn't mean it's irrelevant. You know that for a FACT. You have the scars and the salvation to prove it.

...

If this freakin' society only judges tangible things as valid then don't listen to them. But you know otherwise, and a therapist who works in the field of the mind should at least acknowledge that reality is stranger than fiction, and that NO ONE should ever go and call your life invalid because most of it wasn't directly observable.

My head is an event horizon. No one outside can ever see what's in here.

Maybe not, but that stuff's still there. That's a fact.

...So should I tell him?

Go ahead. You're just afraid of it 'conflicting' with your other concerns though, aren't you.

Yeah. That's a different point though.

Still a point. "Oh hey, we actually can't do a thing about your Aspergers or GID because they're conflicting with your asexuality and gender issues!" I've heard all about it, J.

I know.

And if you go and throw PTSD in there, especially of a sexually abusive nature, especially of a "I was repeatedly raped by a woman in headspace" nature, you're terrified of what the heck they're going to think. Sorry for bringing that up, but it's the truth.

Yeah.

You know what I think?

What?

It's worth a shot nevertheless. You can't hide this forever, not after Tuesday night. Whether you decide to acknowledge it or not, it IS happening. You're suffering, badly. And this needs to be dealt with.

Why do I keep trying to talk to people about it though?

Because you're desperate. You're emotionally distraught. You've been torn to pieces and you have never been able to talk about it, you've never been told that you weren't at fault by anyone other than me and Chaos and the gang up here, and guess what? No one else has ever said that was valid either. Your daily life is peppered with triggers and by the time the day is out sometimes you're full of bullet holes and you won't even dare to say so! Why the heck not?

...I don't know. Why don't I feel I have the right to talk about this?

Because you feel it would be stepping on someone else's experiences. You've said this before?

Why?

How would I know? But see, I like this. You're getting frustrated by your own damaging beliefs. This is good. Throw that junk out if it doesn't work.

...I feel like Estar again. "There is no hell... there's just the places we end up."

But you know better than to think that hell is somewhere outside of here, don't you.

...

You are in hell, as long as you think like this. "I deserved everything I got, sorry if that sounds selfish," right? Well kid, last time I checked, you didn't work for the GCN. And I thought we discussed that the whole 'deserving' thing is total garbage, too.

Trying to go above black and white, huh?

Trying to, yeah.

That's where my guilt is coming from.

Listen, you're only seeing that one side of it though. Yeah, everything works out for a greater good, sure. But it's STILL split down here, and that does NOT mean to just sit back and let all the morally ugly things happen. You've read that too. Things won't work out for the best unless you do your part, so to speak. And that applies to this. Just because you learned from your pain doesn't mean the pain doesn't count anymore. Yeah, you learned, but you also need to deal with the pain you overlooked in your years of self-searching. You were so convinced that it was all your fault that you never let yourself heal, not correctly.

...What do I do, Laurie? If this isn't my fault...

It's not.

...Why does it keep happening?

I have no bloody idea. I really don't. Maybe it's just to push us towards conversations like this. Maybe it's just to force you to deal with it. Ever think of that? Maybe one day it'll be too much to blame yourself for anymore, maybe one day it'll hurt too bloody much to ignore and you'll actually take the steps needed to heal. And honestly, I thought Tuesday was it.

...It was.

But we thought October 29th and January 27th were it, too.

...Those were different sorts of ultimatums.

No, they weren't. They all tied into this same bloody topic in the end.

It's heartbreaking, Laurie.

I know.

No, I keep re-reading all our past entries and wanting to cry because man, how did I forget this? Am I really so disconnected from myself that I ignore all your advice because I still feel worthless at some deeply unconscious level? And that's the identity thing!! Some part of me identifies with these problems so it doesn't want them to change. I do. I want them to change, Laurie. God knows I don't ever want the 17th to happen again, I couldn't stand seeing that pain in Chaos' eyes, or yours, or my daughter's...

I know..

And I'm dead serious. Just... I love you, Laurie. I love all of you. And something tells me that, in the end, that's the only thing that's going to save me from all the hell  I'm putting myself through.

No kidding. You know what your role is.

...So that's why I'm worried about the identity thing. Something in me is identifying with the wrong things. It's identifying with my limitations, with my labels. And yes, I guess I do need to acknowledge when I have a problem? But when does that cross the line? When does that change from "can you please be respectful of my concerns" to "these concerns are part of who I am as a person?" Because I see no difference, which is scary, because it's making me think that I have no right to seek a safe and happy life for myself.

You do.

If I identify with anything, it's love. That's it. That's all I want to be, ever. But... I need to get rid of all that other stuff before that's going to shine clearly.

So get rid of it.

How?

First step is still acknowledging that it happened, and that it hurt you, bottom line. You know that is the truth.

I don't want to identify with the pain though.

How the heck would that even happen?

Like... it's like I said, "I was abused," then you go and define yourself by it. I don't want that! But it's the truth, and denying it is denying myself the right to say "I don't deserve that sort of treatment," and... it's so confusing.

No kidding, you're making my head spin.

Sorry. But I do need to figure this out.

Do we have the means to figure it out right now?

Maybe... let me think. It's conflicting with my view of "it is as it is."

How? You at least accept that, don't you?

Yeah. It happened, that's a fact. But... I'm resisting it still? I didn't want it to happen to me so I'm in pain? Can I just... should I just let that go? I don't know. Somehow that doesn't feel right. Um... can I make an example here?

Sure.

All right, uh... I had a college ACLU meeting on Thursday. We were trying to figure out what discussion panels to have in the future, and then what do you know, someone brought up prostitution for some reason.

Ouch.

Yeah. Immediately I went from open to completely locked body language, and I didn't notice until after I found myself in a knot, my stomach sick. And I realized it was resistance. I didn't want to be reminded of what I had gone through, of what she had gone through, of all the pain. But there it was, and they didn't know about it. I forgave them, sure, how could I not? They brought up a painful topic but it wasn't something blameworthy. Even so... it threw me off for the rest of the day. And it worries me that it feels wrong to react like that, but it also feels wrong to pretend that nothing ever happened to me?

Then maybe don't... let it get to you so badly? I don't know. You were talking about that pain-body thing before and that's what it sounds like to me.

I thought so.

Yeah. It's triggers. You can't avoid the bloody things but maybe you can control how you react to them? Don't deny that you had pain concerning them in the past, but don't let them screw up your life again.

True. I have every right to choose whether or not I allow that to affect me.

Right.

But it feels wrong when applied to the actual event. It feels like I'm essentially saying that, although I was abused, I didn't have to let that hurt. It did hurt, that was inevitable, like you said!

But you don't have to let it run your life, I guess.

...No, I don't. Even so I can't seem to separate that from the idea of denying the event itself.

And that's a problem, yeah.

I think it's because... I don't know, it's that stupid identity thing again. I want to let go of it for good, but when the dream hacks keep re-opening those wounds it's a little tough.

I hear you.

Geez. I'm not sure what to do... I can't think straight.

Too much noise?

Yeah. My brain keeps trying to shut down because it can't make sense of all the different sounds at once. I'm sorry.

You want to keep talking?

Just a little bit more. I want to make sure I understand this right.

What?

Whatever I have to do. I have to not let the pain-body thing be triggered anymore, because I don't want to let it run my life. Yeah I suffered but I don't want that keeping me from being happy now .

But you still have to heal from that suffering.

Yeah. And I'm not sure how to do that?

Hm. Beats me, actually, now that we have this perspective. Sounds like letting go would do it, but I get what you're saying. You don't want to just bandage this up or look the other way. You want it to stop bleeding .

Yeah.

I still say you at least run this by your therapist, and tell him about the identity thing too while you're at it. That could help, the guy seems to understand that on at least a logical level.

True.

So try it out, okay?

I will. But... hm.

What?

What am I trying to heal again?

The fact that even if you want to let go, you can't yet. You're too deeply hurt and you've never acknowledged it entirely. Plus you keep blaming yourself for God knows what reason.

That was a result of denying my own pain, in an effort to 'let it go.'

We just keep going in circles, don't we?

Not really, at least not this time.

No, it sounds like it to me.

...

Listen, you want to close this up? I think this is something you need to mull over by yourself.

You help me so much, though. I at least wanted to hear your perspective on it.

Listen, J. You want to know my perspective?

What?

You didn't... you didn't 'deserve' any of this torture, for lack of a better word. It wasn't punishment, let's put it that way. You're not at fault.

I can't believe that though.

Why the heck not?!

I've got this view that I am completely and unquestionably responsible for everything that happens in my life, even if someone else does it.

Jewel, that 'someone else' has free will. You're not making them do a bloody thing.

Maybe it's because I was blamed as a kid. "You're the reason this family is a mess." I guess I internalized it and never let go. But see, here's that problem again. I feel guilty for even suggesting that someone else put that idea in my head.

But they did, at least partly.

Partly, yeah. I accepted it. I didn't know any better, as a kid.

There you go. So stop blaming yourself for something you can't change now.

I guess so.

I know so. Keep going.

So I do need to let go of that. I think that'll just be an exercise in willpower, and keeping love at the forefront of course.

That, that's it.

What?

Love. I keep telling you, keep that in mind at all times and everything will just fall together. Just watch, I promise you it will. And learn to love yourself for heaven's literal sake.

No no no, that's separation again! I just have to accept myself as me, not to view it as something separate that I must 'love' or 'hate.'

Oh, wait. Now I see what you mean.

Exactly! It's too much of a split!

How the heck do we overcome the split though? It seems to be there no matter what we do!

I know...

Geez. I can see why you're so frustrated with this.

I'm trying not to be.

You're denying the fact that it's frustrating.

No, it's... well, it definitely can be, but I guess I can choose whether or not to let myself get frustrated?

...Point. All right, fine. Deep breaths, calm the heck down. What are we solving now? The separation thing?

Yeah, ironically.

Ironically?

You know, how we're all connected, we're all one, we're all bits of the universe experiencing itself subjectively, so to speak. I love that. It's what I feel like deep down and I've never been able to put words to it.

Yeah, you're always saying how you feel like you're a part of everything.

Because I am. So are you. That's just how it is, and I love it. So... so this separation thing, from myself or anything, because of identities or fears or whatever, actually makes me feel sick. And as soon as I remember the connectedness thing, it all goes away and I just float... but sadly society doesn't like people who do that.

Yeah, no kidding.

It's tough and that's sad. We have to work with the system right now, and the system does not sync with this. It breaks my heart some days. But, that's how it is... at least for now. We can work to change it, as long as we don't resist how it is now , because that's kind of missing the point...

Wait, wait wait wait.

What?

That. "We can work to change it." You've been denying that up to this point.

Have I?

Yeah. You've been focusing on the past.

But I can't change the past.

I didn't say you can. You can change the future , as long as you don't resist the present, because ironically that's what the future will be when it 'gets here.' You're kind of resisting, and in doing that you're denying change.

...That... actually makes sense.

Well think about it. If you deny that now is even happening, how the heck are you supposed to change what comes from it?

Yeah, that's what I got.

So it once again just boils down to you accepting this stuff, but then you DO have the right to take steps to change the outcome of the situation as long as you don't get attached to end results or whatever the heck that stuff is.

Yeah, attachment isn't good either. Just let things be as they are.

Huh. It's kind of confusing.

Because we're intellectualizing it. We can't be doing that, haha.

So why the heck are we in here talking about it?

I didn't mean to segue into a spiritual discussion, but I guess I needed to. Either way, we are definitely thinking too much right now.

Sounds like it. Listen, just be yourself, and you know what I mean by that.

Yeah, I do.

Be you. Not the fake identity you're so afraid of becoming, not what other people see you as, not any of that nonsense. Be you, pure and simple, that's it.

...You know, Laurie, that reminds me of something.

What?

It doesn't.... doesn't seem to tie into that directly. But you know how my mind works. I see connections in things, and that's what I thought of when I read that.

Read what?

Be me, what does that mean? Think about my title, realize that is true if only in a symbolic way, understand that I am love beyond everything else, remember when I feel that more clearly then ever... remember something I read about it.

And what did you read?

Something on Tumblr. It... made me think of Chaos and I, immediately. Let me quote it... “Become loving. When you are in the embrace, become the embrace. Become the kiss. Forget yourself so totally that you can say, “I am no more. Only love exists.” Then the heart is not beating, but love is beating. Then the blood is not circulating, but love is circulating. Then eyes are not seeing, love is seeing. Then hands are not moving to touch, love is moving to touch. Become love and enter everlasting life. Love suddenly changes your dimension. You are thrown out of time and you are facing eternity. Love can become a deep meditation, the deepest possible. Lovers have known sometimes what saints have not known.”

...That's you two in a nutshell, yeah.

It's beautiful . And it's so true.

See, that is what I meant. Remember that. Remember what you feel then, and never forget it.

...Laurie?

What?

...I kind of want to feel that with you one day.

...

I do. Maybe in a different way, because we are working with diamonds after all, but... I don't know, I still want to be able to... love you, somehow.

...I know.

Do you really?

You tell me all the time, Jewel.

And then January 1st, yeah.

...

Sorry.

Why the heck are you sorry? There's nothing to be sorry for.

Really?

Yeah, really. There is absolutely nothing worthy of apology in anything you've said to me so far.

...I guess I just don't want to hurt you.

Jewel, you can't hurt me. That's another choice thing. Maybe not even. I love you, that's just how it works. You know that better than I do.

Love negates negativity.

Exactly.

Why do you still have walls up?

...Maybe I'm identifying with my walls.

Are you?

Maybe. Maybe. I've had them up for so bloody long I think maybe part of me is... I'm too used to being the tough guy around here. The thought of letting all that go is... scary, almost.

I understand.

Yeah, you would.

...There's another quote I found that I just want to mention here. “Understand your darkness and it will vanish; then you will know what light is. Understand your nightmare for what it is and it will stop; then you will wake up to reality. Understand your false beliefs and they will drop; then you will know the taste of happiness.”

Maybe that's something we both need to remember right now.

Yeah. I think I'm going to put that one on my wall, right where I can see it. Just so I will always be reminded.

Wake up.

What?

Wake up. I'm reminding you, aren't I?

...Every second, love. You know I'll never be able to thank you enough for showing up in my life like that.

Kid, it wasn't even intentional. It was just something I did. Something I had to do.

Well there you go. It still means the world to me, Laurie.

...

It does.

I know.

...I think maybe we should close this up.

No, no, not yet.

Why?

We... never talk like this. Ever. Usually it's you and Chaos in here after the discussion is over just getting all philosophical. Never us.

That's true.

...Thanks, kid.

For what?

For never giving up on me. And yeah, I know it's not something you ever saw as an effort either, it was just something you did. And I know I've thanked you for it before. But the sentiment is the same as yours. I can't ever thank you enough.

Never giving up on you how, though?

Jewel, I was treated you like trash. Maybe nowhere near as badly as Julie did, but I was pretty cruel in my own right.

No you weren't.

See, you don't see that. But I was brutal. Even if I cared somewhere down deep beneath the surface, I sure didn't show it very well. So when I say you didn't give up on me, I say that more from my perspective than from yours. I was lost and angry and I had no bloody clue what I was doing or who I was in the big picture. You held on to me and led me through it all even when I was trying to do the same for you. And then I got my metainomen and words don't do this justice but but thank you, for all of that, really.

I'd do it all again, Laurie. For you.

I know you would.

...

Jewel?

Yeah?

I love you too.

...Thank you, Laurie.

For what? No need to thank me.

Just for saying that. Just... for reminding me, I guess. See, when you say things like that, I... I forget about everything I've been through, everything bad. Because then it doesn't matter. Yeah, it hurt, but now it's over. Now it's over and I can move on beyond it.

Love heals all wounds, huh.

I hope to God it can heal yours.

...

...

Well, you are Eros, you know.

King of all the quadrants, haha. Well, except maybe the caliginous one.

Hey, you know it.

But seriously, Laurie, when... on the 1st, when I saw your scars, I...

I know, I felt that.

What?

How you reacted to it.

You felt that?

Jewel, your feelings are loud. You may not realize it, but with that Catharsis attribute of yours, you just radiate them. Chaos gets double, maybe even triple, but the rest of us still do pick up on it. And... maybe that black hole attribute of mine had more to it than I realized. But that's another reason why I got the heck out of there when I did. I felt that hit you, and then I saw your face, and I realized there was no way I could handle feeling that from you. I couldn't. So I'm sorry for pushing you away but honestly, Jewel, I wasn't ready to put my own walls down in that sort of environment.

...I understand.

I know you do. But I figured you should know the whole story.

Thank you.

No problem.

But... why do you say you weren't ready to put your walls down with me like that?

Geez, Jewel, I have seen what you can do to Chaos. That is some serious business, and even if I only got a hundredth of that from you, I have never felt anything like that in my entire life before October 12th. And that was too much.

Laurie, I've gotten close to you since then, you know that.

Not like that. Not like that, at all.

The other night was close.

...Not really, no. I just knocked a different wall down this time.

Oh. Well, I guess I'm just seeing that all as a whole.

Who are you kidding, you don't see any walls and you know it.

Is that a problem?

Only when I want them up. Which... quite frankly, I'm not sure I want anymore.

Really?

Really, and don't sound so excited, haha.

But...

But what? But you love me and want to be with me more than I can even wrap my mind around?

Uh, maybe?

Don't give me "maybe," I know you do, I felt that on the 1st.

...

That's why I'm scared to put my walls down all the way. I know you walked through them on the 23rd, but really, Jewel, that was terrifying.

Why?

Because I've never felt that before, and when you're so used to being the rock-solid ice wall over here, suddenly having so much ardent fire get that close is more than a little shocking.

...

It's... I'm not used to it yet.

Don't be.

Heh, yeah, sorry about that. I mean I'm not... geez. I'm not comfortable with it yet?

You're scared of being fragile for once.

...Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly it.

I still get that too, Laurie. It is scary.

Why the heck is it scary though?

Because you and I aren't used to being so vulnerable.

You, not used to being vulnerable? Come on, Jewel.

No, I'm serious! I know I'm this ridiculously bright-eyed guy over here, but... there's still glass walls up, for me.

Really?

I think. I get nervous. I put up a distance, sometimes, simply because... I feel so much . And it's overwhelming. So I leave some distance there, but sometimes Chaos will get too close for that to matter anymore, or you'll say something that will make it just as meaningless, and... and then the walls are down, and suddenly I'm made of glass, but there's still this fire behind it and I...

January 1st happens.

Yeah.

Seriously, wow, you and Chaos just threw away every single boundary in the book there.

Sorry if that was, um... awkward for you.

Heck no, you think I cared about me? I told you, you two are honestly fascinating.

How so, for you?

...Because... that's... I can't comprehend that. How you two feel so much . How it's that obvious even if you don't say a single word to each other. Seeing that is just... incredible, for me.

You don't let yourself feel that.

...

I don't think you believe you're capable of feeling that.

Maybe I'm not.

Why wouldn't you be? Why put limits on yourself?

...Maybe I'm afraid to.

Why?

Just what you said. The fragility. I don't... I don't know what that would do to me.

What?

Feeling that sort of thing. I think it's so frightening to me because...

You're still identifying with your walls.

Yeah.

...

...Kid, listen, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

No, it's not okay, because I'm not okay with it either. Listen, Jewel, I am tired of this. I am actually tired of this. Do you remember what I said a few sessions back? To Lynne? That I need someone too, and I'm too bloody proud to admit that?

I don't think it's pride.

Yes it is, because I'd need to admit that I'm not made of steel all the way through to acknowledge that. And you know what? I'm not. I'm absolutely not . There, I said it. Write it down because I might not say it again, not now, not when I'm this distraught. I can't even think straight.

Then don't think, Laurie. Don't try so hard.

And there you go giving me my own advice.

It's good advice though.

But what am I trying so hard to be? Your guardian angel right? Your knight in shining armor. And then every once in a while I catch a glimpse of you, out of the corner of my eye, wearing chain mail and bloodied wings and I realize you're trying to do the same exact thing for me. That breaks my heart, Jewel, not just because you're willing to do that for me but mostly because I'm too bloody proud to thank you for it, or to even admit that yeah, I really do need you to do that sometimes.

...

So no, I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready to let go of that facade and just... stop trying so bloody hard. I'm not ready to stop being so brutish and lighten up with these things.

It sounds to me like you're at least trying though.

...I am. Because I'm tired, Jewel.

Then just stop, please. Laurie, I don't want to see you hurting like this.

And I don't want to see you hurting either!!

...Are you still afraid of being used?

...You know what? Probably. I'm afraid of opening up a little too much and being manipulated, of being a little too honest and suddenly not being able to protect you from the same stupid things. I'm terrified of that happening. So I'm still as frozen as ever because I don't want to not be able to protect you anymore. But you keep melting me little by little. And I'm terrified because I don't know if that's the better option or not.

Could you give it a try?

...I'm scared. I'm scared, after all the hell you went through after doing the exact same thing.

I tried the wrong things, Laurie. I tried things that malicious people asked me to. I tried things I wouldn't inflict on my worst enemy, because I hated myself more than I'd ever hate them and I felt I deserved that terror somehow. I put myself through hell and it breaks my heart when I realize how much that hurt you, simply because I didn't think I was worth you caring that much, even if you didn't show it. But I felt it. I knew, even then. I'd never... I never want to cause you pain like that again. And I would never, ever put you through pain intentionally. So in asking you to try, I am asking you because I'm trying to keep that from ever happening again.

How so?

You said it yourself. Amor omnia vincit.

...Heh. Go figure.

What?

The knight in shining armor being rescued by the freakin' dude in distress.

Nice term for me, by the way.

Well you are, boy. Problem is you keep trying to save the dragons. Keep trying to get them to see the light, no matter how much blood it costs you. So I strap on my armor and run after you, only to realize that in the end you're the one who was saving me all along.

How?

Where do you think I'd be if I didn't have you to run after?

...I don't know.

I wouldn't be anywhere is what. You know why I'm here now.

...

Make sure you let Chaos know that I am seriously thankful for his part in this too.

I think he already knows.

Does he?

...I'll double check, haha.

You'd better, I don't thank that guy anywhere near as much as I should.

Laurie?

What?

Where were we going with this whole tangent?

We were discussing me being afraid to open up to you. To anyone, really. But especially you.

Why me? I'm not dangerous, am I?

No, heck no, and that's why the 'especially' is yours. It's the same thing that happened with you and Chaos in the past. It's because with you there's no reason to keep walls up. There's no reason to be guarded because you wouldn't hurt a fly. So... opening up to you is different. It's total, because it's total for you, and somehow you just make me feel really freakin' compelled to match that level of honesty, even if it scares me more than I want to admit.

Why?

You tell me. Maybe you're just a bad influence on me.

Come on, Laurie.

I'm kidding. You're a good influence.

...

Well you are. So stop hating yourself. That's your challenge for the new year, this is mine. We both get over this tough stuff, maybe something will work out, all right?

All right.

So you good about this morning now?

Essentially. I think... ironically, after I stopped thinking about it, I figured it out.

Hey, you're the one that told me to stop intellectualizing things.

True. But I guess that in the end it... really is in my court.

Love conquers all?

Yeah.

That's 'cause it does.

...

I think we should close this up now, though. If I'm not mistaken you have an appointment.

Oh shoot, I think I do. Thanks for reminding me.

No problem. Just wanted to make sure we got to a good point for closing this up is all.

So...

What?

Are we going to have a big discussion with Chaos and Genesis about this month? Soon?

I think we've already discussed those points to a fair extent, actually.

Let me check my list... uh, kind of? We discussed the 4th, and we had an entire session for the 17th as soon as it happened, we mentioned the 7th and 8th...

That was with you and Chaos, right?

Yeah, and... how Q and Mel actually did a lot for us over those two days. It was almost unbelievable.

Better believe it though, 'cause it happened.

Heh, yeah. So there was that, then the merge drive and dysphoria problem, especially with how they relate to each other... with the 'being everything' and transcendence, I mean.

I figured as much.

Then I just mentioned the 'hope problem' again in light of that, and that was really it. Well, besides the 1st, of course, but I think that deserves it's own session regardless.

We can do that.

When?

Whenever you get time. Wednesday, maybe. If not, then Friday. Thursday evening, even. We're working around your school schedule now, remember.

True. I just... really want to talk to all of you about that. The 1st was... one of the most beautiful days of my life.

I know.

But we do need to close this up. I'm getting all weird and dizzy again, God knows why.

I am seriously concerned about that, you know.

I don't blame you.

Really, that's not cool at all. Every night now, when you talk to Chaos and I, you talk like you're dying. "Just in case I don't wake up tomorrow, I want you to know that I love you." Things like that. And it scares me, Jewel. It scares Chaos too, if you haven't noticed.

...It's a legitimate concern though. I haven't been feeling too well, and of course with how the world like it is...

I still don't want you to die though.

...I know.

You've got too much to do here. You can do far too much good to just give up now.

I'll hold on, then. At least I'll try.

You'd better. All right, now close this up, I know you're getting antsy.

Just a little, with how weird I feel. But I'll be okay.

You promise?

Yeah.

...All right. See you later, then.

You will, Laurie. Love you.

Love you too, kid. Good luck with everything.

I don't think luck has anything to do with it, actually.

Hah, probably not. In that case, godspeed.

Yeah, we'll get through this no matter what.

You bet we will.