an attempt

[prismaticbleed]

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH JAY IRIDOS  ???




Freakin' finally.

Sorry. I don’t know why I keep putting this off.

I do. You don’t want to face up to this fact.

There's doubt.  So much doubt. It's hard to talk to any of you anymore.

And that is why. If you don't believe in any of us, how the heck are we supposed to talk to you?

…

Kid?

Sorry. It's just weird. I feel so utterly detached from both myself and you.

Kid, listen. You're real, okay? I'm real. But this ego garbage is not real. Whatever the heck has been running the body in your absence is NOT real, and it is CORRUPT. It is screwing up everyone's lives because it refuses to see past its own negative obsessions. All right? Don't listen to it.

Can we not focus on the negative?

Like what? Jay, some things need to be discussed.

Well then let's discuss them. Let's just not get buried in them.

Sounds good to me. Where do we start?

You're asking me?

Well yeah, you're the one dealing with them, ain't ya?

Well, yeah, but… not really.

And that's the problem.

I don't think I'm supposed to be the core.

Whoa whoa wait, what?

I think Jewel is a better fit than me.

Jay, that's not you talking. Jay. Talk to me.

I'm trying.

No. Don't give me that garbage. Whoever you are, back off. Jay. Mister sparkly-eyed cupcake-haired idiot. Where the heck are you? You say Jewel is more fit to front than you, I say that's nonsense, the both of you are important and YOU'RE the one running with headspace. Okay? Where are you.

Being smothered.

No kidding. Where.

Inside. We might have to talk to the ego thing.

Heck no, you said no getting buried in negativity, and that's what that thing consists of. Talk to me.

About?

About whatever the heck you want, kid. Actually wait, no. Talk to me about Chaos.

Why?

Because he's the number one catalyst for everything up here, thanks to his name, thanks to his role, thanks to his love for you and your love for him.

And there's the rejection.

See, where the heck is that coming from?

Jessica maybe? Cannon? The negative peeps, you know that. The girls who view enjoyment and love as hedonistic and selfish and stuff.

Why?

Because as a child we were told "life is suffering" yada yada. And yes, there is pain in life. But suffering is optional, as they say. It's a state of mind.

Good, now you're getting closer. But seriously, why the heck do they keep telling you that you don't love him? Or shouldn't, or whatever?

Two things. Reasons. One, "identity is a sin?" That's what I just got.

Why the heck would identity be a "sin."

Because it's a lie? No see, that's twisted. We're all one, sure. But we're all facets of one. Like us. Maybe that's why they hate us.

They hate us because we take the attention away from them and try to live as individuals in a positive way. This "can't have a self" nonsense is exactly how they get away with the hypocrisy of denying the same thing they tell us. We can't exist, therefore, they can. It's nonsense. Garbage. Sorry I keep saying those words, but it is. You hear what I'm saying?

Yes, of course. And see I understand it, but there are roots it needs and hasn’t put down yet… it hurts to talk.

It hurts to think, probably. Cognitive dissonance. Sorry about that, I know it happens with channels.

It's okay. I just need to learn how to center more, in my existence. Like the only reason it's hard is because I'm separating from myself.

Which you do a lot. Actually, can we talk about that too? Why you keep blanking out for everything?

It's the 'purity' thing. There's a lot of misplaced judgment. "Eating is evil," "the body is shameful," et cetera. And the self-hate and loathing tied to those things chases me out, because it is very strong, and it brings other people in.

So we need more willpower on our part?

We need reprogramming, and positive reinforcements. It's hard to have 'more willpower' when I'm not exactly the one in the drivers seat to have the willpower. Which is why jumpbacks help. Anything to snap the attention back to me pushes the scales in my favor. Me or Jewel, really. Hence all the League work lately. But yeah, it's a battle we've effectively already won, they just refuse to stop fighting?

I know, kid. And remember that, okay? That we've made enough progress not to ever fall back to where they are. You keep thinking you're losing forward movement and you're not. You don't 'reset' just because you have a bad day.

I think it's tough because those old voices never moved forwards and so I get caught in their energy fields.

Huh. Makes sense.

But. But but but. I read something yesterday and it made total sense. Self-rejection includes them. At heart I know they're important for teaching and healing and broader understanding--

Yeah, Infi taught you that.

Sure did. But… the kneejerk reaction, the one tied to the Plague stuff, is to reject it. "Total purity." And really that's a false ideal. That needs to be fully accepted too. The old Christian mindset of a "spotless soul" has got the wrong roots. It doesn't mean being utterly, infallibly perfect, because in order to do that according to all the rules we'd have to die. It's impossible. Mistakes and missteps happen, but they're steps and not stumbling blocks if you stop viewing them as such. Sorry I'm rambling.

No it's okay kid, go on.

No, when I say "sorry I'm rambling," I really mean that I'm talking too much and I don't want to. I'm not comfortable with blather anymore. I know those things. I need to live them better.

Then please do. With us, okay? I hate to say it but you can't do it alone, simply because we're all part of your soul too, and you're part of ours.

Thank you. That's still one of the most comforting things I've ever heard.

I know. That's why I said it. Now. Chaos. Talk.

There's a barrier.

Why the heck has there been a barrier there for the past few years. Who the heck put it up.

Doubt? But mostly Cannon. I told you it's twofold: one--

You never said the second one. One was the identity thing.

Yeah, but I kind of said that wrong. It's really the fact that Cannon sees all relationships as "wrong," specifically in a "slutty" manner, and a relationship can only happen between two individuals. Therefore the negation of existence so that no love happens.

What the heck, that's insane.

Yeah. But I think that's it. "If no one really exists, I don't have to care about anyone, because none of this is real." So to speak. She's just terrified of relationships, because they're tied to Spinny, who is sheer programming and negative feminine things. I really don't want to talk about this, it hurts and makes me sick.

Because of what it brings to mind.

Yeah. Spinny is a mask. She's behavior specifically tailored to "be what everyone wants her to be." Basically, a flirty, pet-name calling, relationship-based robot. She was born from the societal lie that females have to be objects for sexual ends. It's wrong, and sick, but she took it as her purpose. Ironically she's not a 'person,' just a manufactured identity. Cannon sees both as synonymous? I don't know. Like I said I don't get it and it literally makes me nauseous to think about.

Then don't. We know enough about them. What we don't know is why that STILL hasn't been redefined with a better, non-abusive, non-lying definition.

Because… because of the self-hatred. Reason two. "We're too filthy to love."

Ah.

Self-annihilation because she sees the self as inherently separate from others, from God or whatever you want to call it. Hatred of others because she sees them all as puppets like Spinny, operating only to rape and abuse and lie. That's her worldview. I don't like it.

No kidding, none of us do, and I am seriously offended on Chaos' behalf that he would be lumped in with that definition.

He's not.

Not for you, no. But for her. She doesn't care at all, she calls everyone under that label and you know it.

Yeah. That's true. She's just so scared, all the time.

And she hasn't taken solace in the fact that Chaos has never done any of that stuff?

She says he has. You know about hacks and slippage.

…Oh. So for her there is no hope.

No. Because she sees herself, ourself, and the fact that hacks USE love and relationships, SPECIFICALLY, as backup for that. Sorry that was convoluted. Hacks exist to destroy unity and compassion. They are utterly malevolent and

Kid, you okay?

Yeah. I guess. Head just blurry is all. The reason why there's still a block against Chaos is because we're in a relationship, and Cannon is spitting at that very phrase as if it were the devil itself. She says it is, by the way.

Why?

"He just told you," and a pronoun misuse.

Kid, are you slipping?

Negativity. "She" is tied to the old female cores who hold this stuff. Sorry. Let me center.

He can't center, he'll black right out!! He's not tied to this!

Is that why he can't be with Chaos? You keep calling "fire" and chasing him the heck out when there's no real danger, ever??

…All relationships are dangerous. All relationships-- wait, are you recording this?

Yeah. Talk.

…Relationships are evil. Because they are sexual.

They are not, and you need to talk to Infi.

I will not talk to that slut!!

Excuse me??

I will not talk to that slut. That thing. You know. With its sexuality and all that evil.

Infi exists to show us exactly what things got put in the subconscious, which equals every sexual or sensual thing ever, no matter how vague or distant it might be from the actual defined term. Heartbeats. Water. Space. Freakin' everything. ANYTHING that got even vaguely tied to love got labeled as "sexual" because of that horrific abuse we went through.

It never happened.

Oh no you don't, don't start this game with me. It DID. Just because you or I wish it didn't doesn't mean it didn't. It had consequences, and you are living proof of it. So am I, to an extent.

…I hate you.

Why?

Because… you're a threat. They keep putting targets on you.

Why, because he loves me?

That's an ugly word.

What the heck-- you do realize that love has NOTHING to do with sex in and of itself, right?

Yes it does, the spir
itual people said so.

Okay, and now you're breaking, who the blood is this?

Spinningcannon. Gamboge. Somebody.

Gamboge? What the heck, Gamboge was sacrifice.

Atonement. She was atonement. She had the bitemarks on her arms. She was self-annihilation. For this.

For the sexuality?

Ugly word.

Why?

It IS ugly and you know it, YOU'D never touch it!!!

No joke I'd never touch it, it's not my job. But I don't hate it. I just shrug at it, that's your own business. And I don't hate people who use it either, because unlike you, I've realized that the tarheads who go about raping and abusing people are redefining something which inherently has NOTHING to do with that. Again.

That's not what this is about. It's disgusting in and of itself?

What, sex?

Yeah. How can you say that word??

Then don't have it. Simple as that. You don't need to, and I don't care what the alleged "religious community" says. If it's forcing that on you, or anyone, they shouldn't be calling themselves "religious" in the first place.

They do. They say I have to.

You don't. Look at Infi. Look at Chaos. There are OTHER, non-detrimental ways to use that same emotional energy, you know!

…I don't want to touch it.

Then don't. Redefine it all 100%. This isn't black and white, kid, okay? Just… stop hating people because they're in love, just because this bloody wreck of a society has lied to you in saying love equals sex. It is an absolute freaking lie and I swear I cannot believe this hasn't been healed since 2011. I cannot believe it.

Believe it. It's true.

Yeah, maybe, but I have hope. I have hope in that little feathered nightmare we have up here now. The Black one, if you can't tell.



Sorry.

No, it's fine. Glad you're back.

This conversation is going nowhere, huh?

No, it could. Back to what you were saying outside the room about "obligatory behavior." That nonsense doesn't exist, Jay.

I know. But fear begs to differ.

…Yeah, I figured. Moral fear, or what?

…I don't know? It's more like surrender, of the bad sort. The white flag. "Well, they said I should do this, so…" and then I'm gone, totally gone, and God only knows what happens then.

You know they notice, right? They all notice. I notice.

Then why the heck do hacks keep happening???

…Because half the time that happens you insist it's still you. Or whoever the heck you are. And those aren't very safe spaces.

You're safe. You're always safe.


I know. But I haven't been around lately.

…

Sorry.

No. It's my fault. Our fault. Whoever is up front's fault. Whoever keeps rejecting the entire inner world, saying it's fake.

Probably Fogbank. Either way, kid, be careful, please.

With?

Everything. Especially this Chaos thing. Your heart is being totally blocked out from love and that is causing all of our problems.

There's so much hate and shame tied to it.

Hate? Why the blood is hate there?

Hate because he loves me, and the old brain says "no way, I'm not dealing with this relationship nonsense again."

The Q thing?

Don't tie his name to that still, he doesn't deserve it.

But he did put a lot of weight into that fear.

BP did too. That was way earlier, AND it was forced on us by the mother. Thank God Ryman and Markus saved us from that one, but it sowed the seeds for utter repulsion in Cannon later on. "Not this corrupt stupidity again." Whereas Spinny immediately played the role, too terrified to risk losing a friend, or appearing a freak, or going against what was "morally good and normal."

Ah.

Yeah. So… when we fell in love, when we actually realized that now we were allegedly in the same position as those people, stuff broke. A lot. Jewel got fractured as hell and--

Jay, watch your language. Calm down.

Sorry. Let me breathe.

Please do.

…You know they have that listed as sexual, too.

You have got to be kidding me. Breathing?

Yeah. Because of Chaos, probably.

Kid, that has nothing to do with sex, okay?

Except it does. Except we blur the lines way too freaking much and I am sorry for the language, Laurie, but that is the only way this is going to get out raw.

…Okay, fine. Spit it out, then.

Okay. In my mind, in this mind, thanks to both Infinitii and the previous cores, sexuality is a warzone. On one hand, it is falsely defined as the hedonistic, abusive, manipulative lies that society sold us. On the other hand, it is tied to rape and hatred and everything the old Julie did. Total violation and humiliation, disgust and wrongness, the feeling that our body was utterly filthy and disgusting and alien to us and a betrayal because of what it did. Lies, both of them. Yes the rape and abuse was traumatic because it did involve a feeling of total panicked confusion, what the hell are you doing to me, oh God it hurts, stop please, what is happening to my body, et cetera. Old info, raw data, hard to get at.

Kid, are you slipping?

Yeah. Very vague. Let me talk. So that's the dark part. Thinking sex is all white pain and screaming and spitting and animal motions. Lipstick and female figures and breathing and sounds. Things that horrify the children and will get Wreckage at your throat in an instant, trying to kill you so no one gets hurt beyond repair again.

Kid, this isn't beyond repair.

No. It's not. That's the hope. But the children don't believe it when they haven't felt any of it, the hope.

Ah…

Yeah. Ashen hasn't felt hope yet. Neither have David or Marigold, at least not on a family level. You get the picture. Jeremiah is helping but it's all female trauma, we were only ever actually hurt by women. The men were the romantic ones, who made you feel disgusting and filthy, who made you feel like those women. We don't know what would have happened if they pushed boundaries. Thank God they didn't.

Yeah, you said it…

But. Sex is one thing. That's the two hands. What we have, up here, isn't sex, by its very definition. At least, the way we define it. 'Sex' is that physical act, disgusting, painful, wrong, frightening. But it shouldn't be. And so we redefined it on our own terms, and it broke. We redefined it, Chaos and Genesis and Infi and I, but we forgot to tie two and two together. We couldn't. The two things couldn't touch. The bonding between us, all of us, has nothing to do with that physical act. So reproductive stuff… it's still scary. How do we heal it?

Geez, Jay, I don’t know, I didn't realize we were working on a different level all along to that extent.

I thought you knew?

No, it… Eros blurred the lines all the freaking time. Infi does too, you know that. But…

But that's really uncomfortable and scary and I always tell hir to stop. And ze does. Ze doesn't force anything AND ze is acutely aware of how hacks are written into the fabric of that definition by now.

…How?

Sex is impossible for us. We're asexual, we feel no need or want for it, and that's fine. But we were also abused, so we don't have the luxury of "giving it a shot and saying no later." Like these people who try it and then decide nah, this is boring or silly or something else harmless. For us it's terrifying and the INSTANT there is a threat of it, we dissociate. Every time. I have never, never been able to stop that.

Your identity is written right out of it. So if they tell you Chaos is trying to have sex with you, which he bloody isn't, you're gonna get kicked out either way.

Yeah. As long as love and intimacy are wrongly defined as "sexual threats" it's going to be tough to be around him.

But it's not always? I mean, the other night, with you two in the car--

Exactly. We can easily be together safely, we just don't let any doubts come in. We don't go near that energy anyway so we're safe.

But you two are close as blood, man, literally, how the heck do they not-- wrongly define that?

They do. Afterwards they do. And that's where the hate comes in.

Ah. …That is really freaking sad. Like, in a heartbreaking way, I mean.

I know. And I do love him, but there's that wall of shame.

Why shame?

Because I… I want to love him, I want to show that, but not in the way they think I am. Not in that way.

Not sexually.

No. But close. Too close. I mean the spiritual stuff. That sort of bonding. I want nothing physical, not like that, no way.

I know. They don't?

They see no other option. They're so scared they're afraid to risk another option.

…Kid, center, this is getting way too blurry.

Sorry.

…So. Let's look at that hate because I want that out of there.

So do I.

…

…It's not towards him.

It's not?

No, let me look… no, it's hate because I love him, therefore we're in a relationship, therefore I must act a certain way.

Ah. Cannon/Spinny thoughts.

Yeah. Hatred because "I don't want to play a role" and--

No one is asking you to play a role, kid, especially not him.

It's an old program though. All of it is. That's really all I have to keep in mind.

Stop acting is all, huh?

Yeah. Just see that instinct when it comes up, and drop it. Center, like you said. I can't help but feel that the more this T kicks in, the easier that will get… less residue.

I hope so, kid, because this is one heck of a roller coaster ride so far.

Yeah. Existentially jarring. Weird, too. Because suddenly I'm reflecting on the outside and I'm not yet sure how to reconcile that with the mess the girls made. All the self-hatred, all the abusive habits, all the annihilatory actions… the body is programmed specifically to destroy itself right now, and I don't want that happening anymore. At all. The T is forcing that into perspective. But it's the last legs of the war, now, and all the bombs are dropping first.

Geez. That bad?

You've seen it.

…Today, huh.

Yeah. Laurie I am so sorry--

Kid, don't. Stop. Talk to me, calm down, stop typing. Talk to me.

…

I forgive you, okay? That was some tough stuff you were going through.

Maybe. I don't remember it.

You don't remember it? Heh, geez.

No, it wasn't me. But I know what happened.

And what happened?

…I tried to kill myself. Someone did.

Right in front of me.

…Yeah.

You had a razor at your throat, kid. They tried. And they didn't care at first whether I cared or not.

I know. That hurts so much.

But they did stop, Jay, eventually. Didn't say a damn thing to me, but at least they listened. At least they put the blade down, and didn't spill too much blood. No hospital trips, thank God.

Thank you, so much.

For what, saving your life? Least I could do kid, after everything else, and this, ironically.

That's the point. That scar. Didn't that hurt?

Well yeah it hurt, I was in tears. "Don't you dare go out in the same way I almost did once." Don't you dare die on me, not again. I can't handle that. And they called it emotional manipulation.

…It's not though, is it?

Heck no, kid, I love you, I don't want to see you dead! I want to see that hope you keep talking about lighting up your eyes, and you trying the road again tomorrow. Not lying bloody in the middle of it.

…

Kid, I know you're sorry, even if they're not. As long as you're still alive, it's fine.

I love you, Laurie.

…I know.

You're safe.

…Why the blood isn't anyone else safe.

It's… fear of intimacy? It's old stuff. They are safe, in my heart they're safe, but…

But the System labels them as threats. I know. There's-- well, not the System, but certain members of it. Visceral stuff. "They're threats because they love you, and that's what all those other people said."

Not really. Julie didn't. It's like I said, it's more of, "they love you, and therefore they MUST do that to you because they have no other option."

Ah-- wait, what? No other option? Seriously? Even with backup?

Blinders.

Geez. Take those bloody things off.

There's fear there, too. Fear that if there is another option, they will justify abusive behavior with it.

Kid, that's not what finding other options means!! Abuse is abuse, and if someone hurts you, I don't care what they claim they're doing, they stop that sin right that instant and you get your ass outta there, either or. Don't let them touch you or anyone else if you don't want to. EVER. I don't care what religious moral code they're preaching. If some religious nut tells you you "HAVE to have sex" or else suffer eternal damnation or loss of heaven or whatever the heck-- what is it?

It's fear that sex is mandatory on a spiritual level, or else you're rejecting God.

That's freaking ridiculous. Plants don't have sex, they have a totally different system going, THAT is proof that there's not only one way AND it can exist TOTALLY without abuse. Okay?

…I knew I liked plants for some reason.

No kidding, Infi told me about that, ironically enough. But yeah, you don't let anyone touch you without your permission, explicit and CONSCIOUS permission, mind you. No bloody terrified programs, or survival lies, or garbage like that. Get Wreckage out if you have to, let Algorith punch 'em a good one in the face if you have to. Just… respect yourself. Respect your self. You don't have to do any of that stuff, with ANYBODY, and you sure as heaven on earth do not EVER "have" to have sex with the people you love, BECAUSE you love them. That is utter demonic nonsense and it makes me furious, and Chaos knows it and Genesis knows it and Infinitii knows it too, but ze also knows the crap your subconscious holds to the contrary so be careful there. Sorry. Infi won't hurt you but ze will absolutely confront you with that by hir very nature.

I know that, yeah. Which makes it scary.

But Infi will not, and I repeat, not ever harm you. I know that for a fact, it's been proven in hir function. Infi cannot freaking harm you, ever. But ze can slip, just like you. Ze can slip, and ze can be hacked, and THAT is the scary thing you need to watch out for. Okay? The lies.

Isn't it funny how we have this conversation like fifty times a month?

If by 'funny' you mean 'heartbreaking,' yeah.

At least we're not giving up.

Yeah, that too.

…Give me a second, let me look at that wall again… and no, now it's the self-hatred, the stuff Jessica holds. The "I'm too filthy to ever love anyone" feeling. The conviction that she is utterly incapable of love because she is ugly, or fat, or filthy, or corrupted, et cetera.

Is that societal messages?

Partly, part is trauma residue, I would think.




(ended abruptly)