flashbulb

[prismaticbleed]

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE


We need to talk.

I had the feeling we would.

No kidding. Last night was the final incident as far as I'm concerned. If anything like that happens again...

I really don't know what else to do.

J, you were two seconds away from suicide!!

I wasn't going to do it.

You had a knife against your jugular. You were fighting the need to pull it down. If you hadn't freaking hesitated as usual, you'd be in a morgue right now.

I can't tell what's real and what's not anymore.

I could have guessed that.

Everything is triggering me now. Everything from ice cubes to nail polish is making me completely unravel, and then she gets in..

...

I can't keep apologizing, even though I mean every word. I think the repetition is making it lose its meaning regardless.

It's not losing its meaning. It's losing its authenticity. I know you're sorry, but kid, it really makes me wonder when you keep forcing yourself into these situations.

That's the scariest thing about this. It's the reality disconnect. It's become... I think she's starting to manipulate it.

I told Chaos about my scars.

...What?

I told him. Last night, when you were sleeping. Now he knows.

...Why do I keep forgetting that?

Because you just told me that you lose touch with reality. If you can't even acknowledge that you have a physical form, it's downright impossible to comprehend that I'm being affected by what you're doing to it.

You swear the hacks aren't hurting you? Because if they are--

Jewel, I'm the chastity carrier, remember? I'm not even capable of being hurt by that, on anything past the emotional level. You're the one being literally raped, and frankly you should be more concerned about that.

December 23rd made me realize the real gravity of the situation, yeah..

And how many times have you been hacked since then?

...Even one would have been far too many.

Exactly. You need to stop compromising who you are, and you need to stop NOW.

I KNOW that. But that's what is the truly fearful thing about this... I keep thinking that I have to compromise.

You don't. I told you, I don't care what other people think. They don't apply to you, or me, or anyone else up here.

So why do I keep second-guessing that truth?

You're too paranoid... not even that. You're too selfless. You're all too ready to sacrifice any and every aspect of yourself for someone else, even if that someone else has nothing but your total destruction in mind. You know that, sure, and yet you keep second-guessing your own moral code. Seriously, what the heck is wrong with you?

Just what you said, it seems...

Jewel, I am sick of this. I am sick from this. Do you have any idea how I feel when I see you constantly trying to annihilate yourself because you're 'expected to?' I put my life on the line for you every single day and you keep bloody forgetting just how significant your own life is. You keep forgetting that the neverending light you found is worth infinitely more than the darkness this world throws at you.

I haven't let go of it. I'll never let go of it.

That's not enough anymore. You know what really made this hurt? You know what really drove this point into my ribs? Every night, you ask Chaos if he still loves you. Every single night for as long as I can remember. And you don't say it out of habit-- you honestly fear that his answer will be no, because you honestly believe that you're not worth loving after all the hells you've managed to struggle through. For the love of love itself, Jewel-- his soul is permanently connected to yours and he chose that, five years ago!

...

He is not going to change his answer, ever. I am not going to change my answer, ever. Until you accept that, until you learn to genuinely forgive yourself and realize that you are NOT a bad person, we are not going to get anywhere. You may think it's your biggest weakness anymore... but your heart, as paradoxically innocent as it is, will always be the strongest thing about you. You know what I mean.

Yeah, I do.

Then listen to it for once.

...I try to. Everything else is just so horribly loud.

Block it out. It doesn't matter.

I'll have to keep trying then.

'Try' seems to be your favorite word today, huh?

It's the only thing I can do. I'm relatively safe right now; I haven't been touched since yesterday and although I was very unstable today, I'm not giving in... but every moment is both a chance at salvation and a narrow avoidance of damnation. Every second on the clock is another fight, another struggle, another war.

You're reborn with every heartbeat.

That's the brightest thing about this, I think.

Hold onto that. Hold onto everything you have like that. If you need to disconnect yourself from everything else, then do it. You need to make your soul the biggest priority in your life for once, and in order to do that, you need to remember that you are not the bones you are trapped in.

That's Spine.

Heh, maybe. But she's not you either. So don't listen to what Julie says, because she's basing all of her lies on two entirely corrupt principles-- her exaltation of the body and all the selfish desires that go with that.

So... but I thought you said I was too selfless.

You are. You need to have a bit of bloody concern for your own well-being if you're going to keep your moral code solid and your head on straight. Geez, but you know that already too...

It's not my memory, though. It's my hesitation. The truth can be right in front of me and I'll hesitate, because I'm afraid that somehow it's wrong... and then I fall into a wrong that is infinitely blacker than any honest mistake could ever be. Uncertainty is my cruelest sin.

Then stop being so chronically uncertain. You know those flashes of 'intuition' you get? Follow those. Follow everything I tell you, and if you're unsure on either, then look to the light you hold above everything else.

And you know, it's all about the light divine...

It really is, kid. It really is.

I think there's some real significance in the fact that you're violet. I don't know. I've just been doing a ton of thinking on symbolism, especially with how bizarre my soul form has become...

We can talk about that tomorrow. Right now, you need to sleep.

You're right... I guess this was a bit of a repeat conversation. I'm sorry.

Don't apologize, a reminder is a reminder and they always help.

True.

I love you, kid. Don't forget that.

I won't. I love you too. Thank you.

Anytime. I at least owe you that much.