it's not over yet

[prismaticbleed]

Sorry guys. I know I keep deleting my journals, but they're too important to both my therapy and my sanity to erase from existence. Ironic, perhaps, but events as of late have only driven that point deeper into my awareness than ever.
I've deleted my dA, though. It feels as if a planet-sized weight was lifted from my shoulders in doing so. I don't regret it.
This page stays. So does the archive. They have to. That's unchangeable.

I have a lot to talk about, but there are two big problems I need to address first:

1) Jess broke our computer, and
2) Razor tried to kill us today.

See, not only are we in weekly therapy now (an all-time first), but we've also been reading a great deal of books to help our condition-- including one on Borderline personality disorder (a tentative past diagnosis), and Dissociative Identity Disorder (which we are all poster children for). So, not only are we getting a better grip on what's actually happening to us and how to better live with it, BUT we're digging up tons of stuff in therapy that we, quite literally, have not had the brawn nor the brains to deal with yet.
We still don't, obviously.
Sure, we're exhuming tons of old skeletons, but we're not putting them anywhere yet. Our therapist is focused on getting them up to the surface. Problem is, now we're surrounded with corpses that are quickly becoming zombies, and not only are we getting sick from the rot, our lives are now in danger.
Jess and Razor don't like the fact that we're trying to heal all the damage they've caused... so they're causing more.

Despite all that, this morning was beautiful. But we'll talk about that tomorrow; I'm leaving for school two hours early so I can type up an entry in the computer lab before class. Tomorrow afternoon will be eventful in any case... my bro and I are taking an evening off to just talk and hang out, and something tells me a lot of secrets are going to be spilled. I'm looking forward to it. I miss being able to be honest with my family, especially my bro, as he is awesome.

If you're interested in what's been going on since the 19th (which happened an eternity ago, I swear), the archive has most of it. Our Tumblr and Xanga have the rest.


Lastly, the loss of our computer (and our reading list as of late) has prompted us to become more "physical" in our ways of caring for each other, upstairs. We're taking larger steps to actually LIVE as a system downstairs, instead of relegating all that stuff to Xanga sessions and Tumblr posts. It's only fair, that we all get to experience this life... myself included, as I am an alter, after all (if you didn't know).
Lynne has offered a neat suggestion: what if we all made "boxes," personalized for each system member, that held special possessions and things? That way we'd all have actual downstairs 'proofs' of our existence, little things that are entirely and wonderfully ours, reminders that we exist, that we are all real and living, loving things. Maybe we'll brainstorm that tomorrow. I know we're all already planning the endeavor, so there's no question as to whether or not it will happen-- it most definitely will, and I'm smiling just thinking about it.
Perhaps most importantly right now, we've all decided to start a literal, physical journal for our system. We'll all be writing in it, both in conversations and personal entries, and we're looking forward to it.

I just wish the first entry wasn't already written in blood.