oh

[prismaticbleed]

 

So that's what all these good things have been foreshadowing.

Severe hack this morning. Our whole body is shaking and in pain from it.
Apparently Thanatos decided to start up the physical retribution for it too. We have knife marks all over the place, which made recovery even harder. Seriously, recovering from hacks is hellish. It often takes days. The few hours directly after an attack are horrific. It's so scary.
My memory is still horrible, have I mentioned that? The hack frequency has gone down significantly, but I still lose so much time simply because I'm not all there, ever. My conscious awareness is a dimly lit miasma and I rarely understand what's going on around me.
I'm really afraid that I won't be able to fend for myself once I leave this house and we start living on our own. I cannot function in this current state, not at all.
I've lost almost every thread of connection to both our form and our reflection now. Maybe Natalie will be reborn from that. We'll see. All I know is that I am feeling more dysphoria than ever now, and if my therapist doesn't give us the green light for remodeling this body, I am honestly scared to death of what the fallout will be.
Direct suicide is not an option, but I am all too painfully aware at how good my splinters are at the slow kind.

Laurie refuses to front. I don't blame her, not after she almost died as a result of that in the past. She's even begun to block herself from fully becoming aware when she does end up fronting. That worries me.
We tried to get Lynne to front after our last hack, simply because I was having a meltdown and we were afraid of Thanatos manifesting, but we were all shocked when Lynne backed out and started shaking. We asked her why, and she said she had felt completely wrong in the body, for the first time, and it scared her. She then kept asking us how we could deal with that on a daily basis. Honestly I can't. I just drag myself through the day mostly.
So our last hope for a stable fronter is Josephina, I guess, but Laurie refuses to let him out until we make sure he's fully stabilized. Jo may be a good guy but he's still an anti-id, which means he has potential to be very harmful. We can't forget that. Things are too dangerous.
Leon, Spine and I all get too much body dysphoria. Laurie told me she does too. I never knew that. I feel so bad.

Honestly, on that note, I'm going through some really, really bad gender dysphoria right now. This is the worst it's been in a long time.
I had a self-abusive meltdown this morning, the first in several weeks. For me, with what I do to this form, that's terrifying.
Honestly, I just wish I could express this somewhere offline, for once, so I could get help... but I'm so scared of what the world would do to me if it found out I'm "one of THOSE people." Regardless, it's killing me. It's only getting worse the longer I try to suppress it or fake otherwise. I'm tired of being silent while this eats me alive from the inside out.

Oh yeah, and to make this body even more of a hell zone? Through some very upsetting trial and error, we've discovered that I'm severely intolerant to corn, to the point of it almost being a legit allergy, which explains why I used to feel so physically ill all the time. That junk is unfortunately in almost every food item in this house. So I've been cutting it all out for about a week now, and I can actually feel an improvement. The only bad thing is that my diet is now severely limited, and I don't have any income to buy my own. Normally I'd be fine with eating less, but I have low blood pressure and get dizzy extremely easily, and ever since I was assaulted in the psych ward I've been getting panic attacks at the drop of a hat. So when I get dizzy I get throwbacks to the hospital and bam, all of a sudden I'm incapacitated and trying not to pass out. It's not fun.

I'm going to get off this computer now. I don't know what I've been doing on it this morning. Checking messages I guess. Refilling queues. It would take a lot less time if this computer would stop freezing and crashing. I wonder if he's sick too.

I want to say something uplifting, so that this isn't a complete mood whiplash from yesterday (which it really is. it's bad).

Oh did I tell you my dad let his hair go all gray? It looks awesome. Little does he know I want my hair to look like that too, haha.
And, uh, remember that person who drew Selph? She apparently has a picture of him that she drew on her bedroom wall. DUDE. See now this is why I need to get back into my Parnassus research schedule.

Man. I need to calm down and I don't know how.
I'll try, though. I can't deal with this.