052211

[prismaticbleed]

 

I really don't know why I bother posting updates on FB.
No one ever takes things seriously.

...Last night, after staying up past midnight to make sure Jesus wasn't Rapture-lagging, I was browsing through my personal art folders and suddenly this awful realization dawned on me.
I've had to bury my children.
I don't care if your kids are biological, emotional, or whatever; if you're a 'parent' or 'guardian' by any standards, that is one of the most horrible things you can feel. And I have lost so many of them.
The problem is that I refused to acknowledge that pain when it happened. I tried to numb myself to it, tried to keep walking and pretend everything was okay, lying to myself.
And then last night, I looked at a picture of them and I realized they were gone.


I just... this is all completely overwhelming me. It hurts so, so much.

Words do no justice. I'm sorry.

 

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@ 08:48 pm

 

 

I really, really need a new way to deal with this. Fast.

I don't know what my thanatos splinter is doing. Do I really need to be destroyed this thoroughly? Am I going too far?
Because really, I am so honestly tired of spending all my days in pain. Pain, all the time. All my fault.
I go to extremes just to make myself suffer, to make myself sick. I take stupid risks for it all the time.
And why? Destroying this body isn't going to create a new one, no matter how badly we wish it would.
And oh God, the nightmares. The nightmares.

But I can't stop. This has been going on for too long, too strongly.
I have a splinter problem and it is literally killing me, bit by bit, every day, consciously, willingly.

To think my therapist asked me about suicide today, and I said no! How ridiculous.
Suicide doesn't have to be planned, it doesn't have to be instantaneous.
This is suicide. This is slow, merciless, painful suicide.
I almost miss the knives. How I wish I could just hand this drive over to Laurie and be done with it.

I can't even sleep now, for heavens sake. I'm in too much pain. I can feel my body convulsing.
I am honestly terrified of what I am doing to us.


How do I stop this?
I can't kill a splinter. But a splinter can't be put back.

I don't want to murder us.