102216

[prismaticbleed]

 

 dream=

last night I don’t remember. but I woke up around 7:30am and fell back asleep with the sun shining in, which always means "waking level" dreams which are, almost guaranteed, nightmares.

I dreamt I was sitting at the kitchen table, and the devil (who was all gnarled and black and ugly) and the virgin Mary were standing there, as I was trying to eat foods.

the devil kept trying to trick me into eating bad things, etc. but Mary was helping me figure out what I really wanted, whether or not it would hurt, etc.

I clearly remember eating a mint-chocolate gluten-free cheesecake thing? it was very good.

but Mary walked me through all the "dessert foods" I kept wanting to try, making me realize I didn't really want any of them. thus helping me heal those compulsions by giving me the experience I needed to learn, without pain and wasted money/ time.



said all my morning prayers. "little white guest" is new, it made me cry, it's so beautiful.



tried to eat breakfast, around 10am? half a zucchini, and a cucumber.


then put two kabocha squash in the oven. made the mistake of "eating" the seeds though (not the shells). it gave me a rash?? and made my stomach hitch and hurt. also it burned my throat??? like it's all red and sore now, it hurts. I have no idea what happened, that has never happened before and I've been eating that squash for 3 years now.

so I ended up throwing it all up. I had to, it hurt and I was sick and scared. it made me sad but at least I got it out.

sad that I "wasted" my actual breakfast though. that was my last big zucchini.

at least I learned my lesson with the squash.

 throwing up was a "hidden blessing" as God likes to do when you trust Him anyway.

novena to saint Jude was at noon, so grandma and I went. well, vomiting made me "floaty" in the head which made me feel vaguely cozy in church, leaning into the hood of my jacket and listening to father jenkins give his homily.

the gospel was about the fig tree, I think? I remember how it "wasn't about the leaves" but about the fruit. that was in my daily personal reading. but fr. jenkins was talking about… hope, I think. I remember the last line of the homily was "after all, we have no other choice" when it came to either following Christ or not. and I liked how it sounded fatalistic but was actually a stern but gentle truth.

but I sang well despite my throat being funny. sometimes I realize the throwing up helps me vibrato easier. I wouldn't dare do it for that purpose but I have noticed.

we sang the song that was stuck in my head all day, too. "at the table."

"it will remain // a single grain, but if it dies // it will bear great fruit." something like that.




went home, had two hours before home church. took ALL the kabocha, seeded them to give to chris, and stuck every single one in the oven. I asked God/ Mary/ the Holy Spirit several times whether or not I should do this and I didn't get a no, which was surprising. but that's what I did. got it all done in an hour, got it out in an hour, and then set it aside while I went to church.




I was cantoring today. I'm not nervous about performance anymore, I know what to do. but now there's the risk of pride because people keep complimenting me and my mother keeps obsessing over my voice and I must admit, shamefully, I'm frustrated with it. it's not about me. it's not about how "pretty" my voice is. I can't get angry, that's unfair.

what I mean to say is, I have to stay humble and grateful and meek. God gave me this voice, and I want to use it for His service, and so I am.

after mass a woman told me that, effectively, "hearing someone like you singing makes me want to come to mass more often."

and that just… that's all I want from this. God gave me a beautiful voice I guess, and all I want is to praise Him with it, to put my love of Him into what I sing, to infuse that into the mass as He deserves. and I do want the congregation to feel/hear that. I love God, and I want that love in every note I sing. "may Christ be in the ears of all who hear me," as St. Patrick said. I pray that every morning now, it's one of my favorites.




the first song was "praise to the lord, the almighty, the king of creation" etc. I think. which is nice but just a normal song.

the responsorial was "the lord hears the cry of the poor" which for some reason really struck a chord with me today. maybe because of how off I felt, and how death's been whispering around me lately (metaphorically), I was humbled by it? it gave me hope, but it kept me humble. it's a hard feeling to explain. but I sang it as honestly as I could.



for the collection we sang the prayer of saint francis, which became instantly dear to my heart when it started looping in my head nonstop for several days a few weeks back-- right around the time of our divine mercy bus trip I think. I've always loved the prayer/song, but since that instance, it's meant so much to me.

I sang it as gently and honestly as I could, like right up to the microphone. that's the only way to sing to God, is from your heart.


I got to receive communion because the song only had three verses (blow among us, spirit of god) and oh. it was transcendent.



the gospel was the pharisee and the taxpayer, and the priest (that sweet old man from the oblates) actually changed the language of it to make it "kid friendly" for lack of a better term? and it made the point hit home so much more profoundly. it really did.

and it hit me too, because until that point I had felt "not quite right" about my singing and I realized it was because I was being proud. I was worrying about whether or not I sounded "good enough" or whether I was impressing my mother or not and that was draining all the sincerity out of my singing.

so I was very humbled. and I kept praying about it, asking God to teach me humility without "crushing me in humiliation;" like, could you soften me instead? could you teach me to be humble in a soft, sweet, gentle way? through virtue instead of pain and shame.

and he did. I kept praying, reminding myself of my failings, of how every soul in that church was just as blessed and precious as I was, how I was given this gift to use FOR those people and for the glory of God, not for myself… and frankly I knew all that, but I needed to humbly be reminded of it, and to use that realization to turn softer, sweeter, kinder, more loving. meek and humble of heart. it's all I want to be.



I was scared I wouldn't get to receive Holy Communion today. I asked Jesus to give me spiritual Communion and I was on my knees and He did, and as always it was just something I could barely bear. too meaningful.



it hit me. during mass. I've been trying to comprehend the Eucharist a little more every time I'm at mass, trying to understand it in my soul more completely a little more each time, to draw me deeper into it, to draw me closer to God and Jesus.

and I realized, this is a Trinity. Jesus Christ isn't just the Son of God, he IS God. and God is That Which Sang the Universe Into Being and all that. God invented music, and color, and he spun the stars into being, and he knitted the trees and their leaves together, and he painted the autumn hues and he stirs up the waters and breathes in the wind and his glory and majesty is clearly visible in the nebulas and galaxies and auroras spreading across our skies, all of that, He created ALL of that, He is transcended and ineffable and in and beyond ALL of that incomprehensible beauty… God, the Creator of All, the Grand Architect, the Artist of Life… God, the Father. ONE member of the Trinity. three persons in one. "whoever has seen me has seen the father." etc.

God the Son, Jesus Christ, is one with God the Father in a way we cannot ever truly "get" as humans. but it's true.

and so. every time we receive Holy Communion, the Father of all works in/as/through His beloved Son, who humbled His infinite self into mortal flesh for us, who died for us out of mercy and love, who became man so that we might have a path to become like Him by His grace… every time, He acts out of absolute humble love and becomes something so small again, He gives his body up for us, for us, He-- the Creator! the Creator!-- becomes bread, becomes something we can eat, becomes a tiny host so that He can nourish us in the most literal, merciful way possible, through a corporal work of Mercy, He feeds our body and soul, He mothers us, He fathers us, He wants to not only be with us but IN us, so that we can be with and in Him… He becomes bread so that we can become what it is we have partaken of. I have no proper words for this.

THAT is how much God loves us. this grand architect spun us little tiny wretched fallen lost confused creatures into existence, and He cradles us in His arms, and he loves us so much that in a universe of black holes and quarks, he deigns us feeble humans worthy of the most tender, intimate compassion… of His becoming ONE of us, of His returning to us millions of times in the Eucharist, every single day, of God offering Himself to his children as bread. as the pelican feeds its young with its own blood. as any loving parent would die for their child a thousand times. God.


and I shook on my knees and realized no wonder I always feel uneasy at Communion; how can I POSSIBLY show proper gratitude for THAT???


and that breaks my heart really, and it scares me; I adore God but I'm so weak and sinful, but He adores me just as much as he adores every other soul on this earth and that is infinite and it's the most humbling thing in the world but it's humbling because of what it does to your heart, you want to respond to that with every fiber of your being but you can't, not as a mortal, not when we keep sinning. but we try. and God still loves us, always.


I'm talking too much about this.


but when I received the Eucharist I remembered that for those few precious minutes I was a living breathing tabernacle of the Most High and I got on my knees in the choir and I can't remember how it happened but I felt that love, so gently and powerfully and profoundly, and my heart flooded with love and light and joy, and I haven't felt anything like that in months, if not longer.

I felt so far away from God for so long and that just… changed everything.



I love God so much. I really do. I hope it shines through in every moment of my life. that's all I want. God, help me to live that way ever more every day.


there's a quote I read this morning in the Magnificat book, from a saint… how our souls yearn for infinite love and God is infinite love, and He is the only thing that can satisfy it and He wants to satisfy it, He wants us to join Him in that infinite love…  that's what I feel all the time, that's what's in the Eucharist, that's the truth of our existence. it's unbearable sometimes, to realize that we'll never truly "be satisfied" until we meet Him in heaven (and oh what bliss that will be, my heart just sings and weeps in joy thinking about it) but that's hope. that's the definition of hope, and it gives birth to such virtue. joy and courage and strength in adversity.

if heaven is infinite contemplation of God, if heaven is being in His presence… there really is absolutely nothing better. that sounds paltry but it's huge and so true.

heaven = joy. to reach it, we should be willing to sacrifice anything and everything in this temporary earthly life, not as a loss, but as a willing offering of something so far less than what our heart truly yearns for. hope allows us to do that.

I need to meditate upon this daily, it will give me the strength I need to endure hardships. I need to share this with others who need it. Holy Spirit, guide me at the proper time and in the proper way to share what is Your Truth in this with others, for Your sake.



I have a very special devotion to the Holy Spirit that is growing lately, too. I want to be specially devoted to Him is what I am saying. I am growing, little my little.


I need to make a list of patron saints soon, too, with their holiday coming up.

I can see why so many people love St. Therese though, with her "little way." it's so sweet and true. and St. Faustina, she just radiates the same mercy Jesus chose her to proclaim to the world.

all I want in life is to live a life worthy of sainthood. which means, I want to glorify God by every breath, every word, thought, and act. there is no such thing as a living saint; that is a title only bestowed after death, and I firmly believe it is dictated by God as well.

all I want is to "live up to" such a title even if I'm never canonized because it's not about me and I'd be very uncomfortable if it was, so to speak. sainthood is about God.

I have to stay humble and quiet and little and pray about this always and make my every moment a prayer. with God's grace and mercy, I will get there, for His name's sake, for His greater glory, for love of Him.





after church I put all the squash away and then I sat down and ate the rest of my huge salad (lettuce, cilantro, carrot, cucumber, zucchini, salt, pepper, cinnamon, turmeric, cumin, and a splash of hemp seeds + oil) and prayed that God warn me when to stop, so I wouldn't overeat.

I wasn't really hungry? I haven't been lately. I think my body is too tired and shaken up, it needs downtime. but I needed to eat, I've been too weak. so I did and I enjoyed it very much and I didn't mess up.



I almost forgot, I had a tiny statuette of Our Lady of Guadalupe in my pocket because of the dream this morning; I prayed that she watch over me as I ate just like she did in the dream. and she did! I love my heavenly mother so much. she truly is full of grace and virtue and love. God works such wonders through her; she truly does glorify His name and His works.

no wonder so many saints write about Mary! I'm sure I could too, I'm sure anyone can when they really loved her. she's a treasure trove of grace.

I really do love her. the devil doesn't want me to, but I'll ignore him. he's a liar through and through. and I know what I feel. 



I didn't mess up at all with eating today, not after the genuine accident of the squash this morning. I'm so thankful, thank you God. I'm praying to st. Jude to cure this bulimia 100% and I genuinely believe God will do so through him. I need to cooperate but He needs to pour His grace into me first; I'm just a sinner and everything good in me is from God anyway after all. so I'm deeply, profoundly grateful for this chance to grow even more in His love and to reflect a more heavenly lifestyle here on earth.



those are two questions I keep asking myself lately. they're very important.

"does this glorify God?"

and,

"would this sort of behavior occur in heaven?"

asking myself those questions whenever I'm unsure or doubtful really puts things into perspective. they demand virtue, not crushing guilt and shame. they ask gently but sternly. which is so important. "strive to enter through the narrow gate." but it's not cruelty, it's a standard of conduct, it demands righteousness and goodness. and it's entirely worth the striving, every ounce of it.

it's helping me fix my behavior fast, too. thank you God, thank you God the most high, God the almighty Father; you are so kind and good and merciful to me; I will sing your praises forever and ever, here on earth and in the life and world to come. amen!





have a good night, everyone.

with God's grace, I will make it through tomorrow in good behavior too.

it's all surrender and trust, it's all love and joy and hope.

let God be glorified through me. if I fix my gaze on that, I'll have no reason to fear.







"be not afraid."

that was father jenkin's sermon today. told you it was important.