081417

[prismaticbleed]

august 14.
dad found out that we're binge-purging.
therapy; he came with, we thanked him for caring, explained we didn’t know what to do yet
afraid we're going to die. so are we.

then talking to therapist alone about this, how the bingeing and purging are both tied to trauma, discussed the infamous point that EATING = SEX.
parallels with food choices!
milk, cherries, strawberries, fruit and dairy in general… chocolate, bread, soft and sweet foods, etc. FEMININE.

also EXACT SAME actions: invasion, pleasing, etc.
SAME LANGUAGE TOO.
ALSO TONS OF FORCING WITH THE FAMILY. "eat now," "eat this specifically," "eat as I watch," "eat what I give you," "eat everything I give you," "eat this or I'll be offended" etc. ALL SEXUALLY APPLICABLE.
NEVER ALLOWED TO SAY NO WITHOUT REPERCUSSIONS.

mother literally making eating a sexual thing
part of us hating her for that, out of terror

Eating feels like sex. Eating with others feels like having sex with/around them-- eating around others is FOREPLAY, "inviting" them to have sex with us. THAT'S why eating always feels so dirty and slutty for us!!
AND this explains why the eating disorder is so hard to conquer; eating itself feels wrong and like something that has to always imitate the trauma it reminds us of.

an issue we never really considered…
trauma induced HYPERSEXUALTY = BINGE EATING
trauma induced HYPOSEXUALITY = ANOREXIA

Eating alters need to be aware of this??
Black, Cerise help??
REMOVE THE TRAUMA
the problem is, food IS INHERENTLY SEXUAL ("taking in", merging with another thing, etc.)
BUT!!!! SEXUALITY IS NOT ABUSE!!!!!

infinitii is the terribly blessed incarnation of all of that, the trauma and truth alike
existing to destroy the former by liberating the latter
not so much transmutation as testifying to the fact that the trauma was always a liar
and that it is possible to totally heal from all of it,
if we let honest love do its job.

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"Just realized how powerful visual and auditory aids are for finding/calling people during lockout mindsets." = violet morning glory IMMEDIATELY catching Laurie's attention so hard despite us feeling utterly numb at the time.

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SKY
KYANOS= BREATHING
BAT EARS= LISTENING

SKY COLOR= QUIET, INTENSE OBSERVING??

THE MOURNER is the ONLY one who CAN totally acknowledge and express that emotion????

MISSY???

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there are MULTIPLE, DIFFERENT JESSICAS because they all vary depending on HOW THE NAME WAS SAID???

anger
anxiety
disappointment
happiness
etc.

INDIGO JESS= name used disappointedly, shaking head, "let us down," "failure" feeling
PINK JESS= name used in pittsburgh. people liked her, treated her kindly, said she was inspiring and sweet