020816

[prismaticbleed]

day #6 I think of the mother being at our house instead of her boyfriends.


lost 2/3 of our paycheck today, due to being so acutely dissociated. kind of a slap in the face telling us we NEED to get our act together on this mess.

huge shopping order today as we're going to try and NOT SHOP at any store but the local smal grocery through all of lent. we're a 20-30 minute drive away from bigger stores but the trip is not only expensive, it's exhausting and scary what with mental concerns. stopping that effort for 40 days would do us a lot of good, even if it means sacrifiing some items.


someone bought coconut flour despite that being $5 down the drain and instant vomiting.
it was an impulse buy to "try a recipe" that we couldnt even eat but it was obligatory behavior, like we HAD to. WHY.
so we were very ill today, oh well, we'll do better tomorrow.


laurie's slipping just as badly as the fronters. probably as she's the main advisor. but she's not all there, bleary and kind of head in the clouds. very unlike her, she seems lost.
lynne is trying to spend more time in heartspace to re-find her role and self too.
she and laurie are trying to heklp each other and work together.


therapy, more drained-sad-upset talk about the home situation.

notably, josephina came out very strongly and talked for a bit. not sure if she noticed his telltale vocal pattern but yeah he was out.
we were discussing how the brother mirrors our grandmother's abusive language, and how the "bad voices" in our head also speak just like her. the therapist said something notable but i can't find the data right now
oh yeah, it was about how those introjects (we keep forgetting those are a thing) STILL exist for a reason, which is because they THINK what they're doing is working. they think that by screaming at or punching a "problem" it will go away. not so.
i know we said this is why laurie and the retributors are trying to be kinder to the lost/damaged people because so far, after like 6 years, blood and pain didn't stop anything from happening. and it didn't heal any culprit.
but yeah, the introjected behavior is basically the same issue we have with anger "stopping things" because that's what we grew up with. but it never actually solved any problems, it just buried them under fear on the victim's side.
it's hard to think of words right now but it made sense. and although we know that isnide already, now we're realizing it's also outside so it's helping us, again, be more forgiving and patient and understanding when we hear such things. we know our grandmother has a good heart even if she does some not-so-good things. we refuse to define her by her shortcomings. that's totally unfair to who she truly is. no one is defined by mistakes ever. and really deep down we all just love everybody anyway so. just gotta keep that in mind.

thinking of the "there is no 'self' to love" bit a lot lately. jay says it explains why the socials have issues with identity? because in viewing the self as something "to be loved," you're subtly insinuating that 1) it is not already loved and 2) it is a separate thing from the loving party. at least for us. saying "i love myself" feels shallow and nonsensical to us. hard to explain. but jay and laurie and infi and that group are always saying "be love," because when you are it, you don't have a "self" but you're also totally defined by love, does that make sense? it's hard to verbalize. jay likes it as it's all bright and soft and noncorporeal. the socials can't comprehend that. we wish they could, but it'd totally redefine their function and they wouldn't be able to be socials anymore. at least not by the current definition of that job.
hmmmm. maybe we need to redefine it.
our main problem with socials anyway IS their lack of spirituality and love and conscious awareness. we NEED that on the social level, but up until now "socializing" has been labeled as "something to survive" and in order to survive it we have to be a mime. we have to mimic and imitate and parrot and guess and act. except WE DON'T. except we have to in order to "survive." it's a pickle. a dilemma.
the word "pickle" reminds us of one of our favorite childhood cartoon characters, remind me to talk about that later because altough we don't remember being a person then we have media memory. maybe waldorf has some. but media stuff is always interesting to see what we gravitated to at a young age and how it all has little roots in early heartspace.

nevertheless. if we fixed the socializing trouble it'd be easier to survive at home too.
"survive" in the REAL sense, mind. not in the "people expect me to be a certain way so i HAVE to be a certain way" sense, which deals with conditional "love" and playing a role and "pleasing everyone." NOPE.
i mean yeah we want to make people happy and we want to act prudently but GUESS WHAT, MANIC SOCIALS DONT DO THAT. sure they can mimic it but there's no substance and if the context changed from surface-level paper-thin chatter to something personal OR if there was a question asked, well the social would SHUT DOWN and that's when WE get dragged out and although that's fine, most of us don't know how to socialize and we're all too aware that there's also this "local persona" we typically have to fit in order to "not bring shame on our family" or whatever and agh it's a mess.
but we'll fix the mess. we'll get this sorted out. we know what we have to do, we just have to apply it now.


got vegan marshmallows to try today, didn't realize the horrific sugar content until we got home.
anyway diancie fronted and ate two and she loves them. so that was worth buying them for at least. we shall put them in our box.

mostly though we bought coconut water and apple cider vinegar and organic lettuce and curry powder. that's our diet in a nutshell, haha.


rest of evening (5pm-12am) is almost entirely missing as it was spent in a highly noisy social environment at home what with the mother being around and not knowing how to tolerate quiet.

brother is back to being paranoid, attention-demanding, accusatory, grumbly, threatening, etc. for a week after the hospital visit he was okay, he was happier, kinder, didn't yell at anyone. it was a bit unnerving as he still made the odd scathing mockery, and every time he spoke he sounded out of breath and expenctant, but for the most part he was unhamrful. as of today he's back to the tarry-black-sandpaper aura feeling, which hurts like a brushburn and we don't like it.

anyway.
body is still sick. not sure what to do.
we NEED a day off, but probably won't get one until the weekend. god willing.
if the mother has the weekend off we don't know what we're going to do. this is week #3 of high stress and little sleep, this is going to kill us.
we love the mother but she's VERY HARD TO DEAL WITH what with her constant talking and talking and talking and cleaning and buying and organizing jewelry and blasting music and audiobooks and dancing and singing too dramatically and spraying perfume. she's a great person but her habits are just overwhelming. overwhelming all over.

we need peace and quiet. we wonder if the dad would let us chill at his apartment for a day or two. only issues there are 1) cigarette smoke and 2) dog dander.
I don't know. maybe if we bundle up lots we can go otuside.
god LET IT SNOW we need sanctuary. we need white safety, we only got it for like three days this year and we couldn't even go out because we were sick and tired.
please pelase please let it snow this week. enough for us to have a place to go. thank you. we love you

listening to solfeggio harmonics on spotify shuffle
this one is 5hz and it's so so so soothing and nice. it's the same hum we get with our low voice now. what color is it. wine-purple-cerise, somewhere around there. pretty. kev thompson, look it up.


it's 1 am on the dot and we need to get to bed. we literally just "started existing" for today about 5 minutes ago though. that's why busy days are awful. jay wakes up (ideally!!!) and then we have to get the body ready for the day but that's spotty recall and usually involves lots of switchiness. but at work we're mostly good, we do our best.
but after we get out of work, between 11:30 and 12pm, our recall typically stops until like now. almost 12 hours later. what the hell happens at home during the day
so it feels like we wake up, and then suddenly it's time to go back to bed. it's exhausting.

we need to take at least one tiny step to stop being so massively dissociated with this super-stressful home environment. what can we do? we'll think of something.

jay says wearing infi's bubble would help (no kidding) BUT the fear is, what if some abusive social ignores it, or even worse, if the chatterbox who we think is jackie/ jessica/ whoever decides to turn it into a petty conversation topic, that's blasphemous, that is FORBIDDEN so we have to be careful.


but we are doing our best.


jay's going to try and do jewel monster work tomorrow he says. typecode interaction stuff, and monster designs. creative easy work, not the hardcore v/v lists as that's necessary for coherence but it's also exhausting mentally. and we need a break, but also progress. so. that'll work.


putting the body to bed good night everyone