the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

...I think we're in one of those "dead periods" again.

I just got FL Studio working since we had the laptop crash.
...We lost over a year of work.

It feels like waking up from a dream. Last year, we tried harder than ever to get back into music, and now... now, it's all gone.
But not only that, the worst bit is that we cannot remember what we wrote. We had SO many new files and I cannot remember a single one. That's the most disturbing thing about this.
It's why we're struggling so hard to work on the Leagueworlds, too. We lost all the old info in a dead timeline, in 2012... we don't remember anything firsthand from that time in our life. So we have virtually no idea what those first 17 years of work of art contained.
Yes, there's still the backup written files on our computer-- and that has more value than the art, I would argue-- but now we don't have visuals, and since we can't even hear without pictures, that lack of all pictoral representation is jarring, even if we have no idea what it contained anymore.

...We lost over a year of music and we cannot remember what it was, let alone how to write it again, let alone how to get this program working properly again... I have no idea what we did, or how.
That's... I don't know. Life's been like that for a while. The sudden, utter absence of knowledge that we previously had and/or took for granted, waking up one morning and it's... gone.

We get that with headspace a lot too.
I should mention that's why we gave up on the idea of a comic, at least one that illustrated our past life... even now, reviewing the archives, it's all alien. The vast majority of this feels like someone else's lifetime, and I'm sure it was, but... for the gaps and breaks to be moving closer and closer... I mean, our current memory starts halfway through 2013. And that year is terrifically spotty at best, with weird chunks of recall dispersed throughout the latter half of the year depending on who was even alive at the time. But... that means our total life recall, ACTUAL recall, caps in at literally under three years currently. We're barely a toddler as far as coherent age-time is concerned. That's not much.
...And yet we have to live as a 25-year-old adult when we're awake.
Not to mention everyone expects us to live according to a past that we not only feel no ties to, but have no substantial knowledge of, and which feels most of our physical-life fronters with nausea and fear when they are faced with that burden.

But that's not the current point here.
The current point is... we've been pushed WAY BACK to square one right now.
The art is gone. The music is gone. The writing is partly gone, we did lose a fair amount in 2012 and 2015, but the vital roots still exist. However. Most of it is now false, or alien, or unwritable. The World-roots that existed three years ago no longer exist. So we have to start over on those, too, but... that's an effort. That's a real effort, and we are trying, but we're just weirdly subconsciously disturbed and upset and sobbing over the knowledge that there's this gap in our psyche, something that once held something, and which is now a blind spot, now a hole, now an emptiness that shouldn't be there and yet is and although we can't remember it notbeing there, we know that at one point, it wasn't.

...Maybe that's another motivation towards the eating-disorder alters. There's abuse purgation, abuse imitation, malformed coping, social conformity, seeking acceptance, seeking non-being, and now this... just wanting to somehow fill up that awful nothingness with something, not knowing how else to do so, desperate for the return of something we can't get back, not how it was, not anymore.

...


Headspace is in a really weird place right now too.
We're still functioning, absolutely. We're still healing and communicating.
But... Jay asked something yesterday, when we were meditating. "What do we do when there are no more problems to solve?"
...We were created to protect, to heal, to manage... when we no longer have to do any of that, what do we do?
Laurie shrugged and said "create," hearkening back to the Jewel bloodline purposes, but... I guess that's what this entry is about. We want to create, but... the more we look at it, we have to stop trying to pick up the pieces. We have to just leave that shattered mess on the floor and walk away. Our mind is beating us to it. Our mind is forgetting that pile of broken glass was ever anything but that. Our mind is asking us why we keep staring at rubble, why we don't go build something instead.
God knows we want to, but... our life situation is no longer how it was in high school or whenever. We no longer have that sort of empty, set-schedule environment, where we could literally put the body on autopilot for 8+ hours a day and just let the Jewels create nonstop inside.
God also knows that if we win the lottery tonight the first thing we're doing is going back to school, so that we could get an education AND dive right back into that creative mindspace again.


...In the meantime, what do we do.
We do have a few mp3s saved of some files we lost, so maybe we can listen to those and recreate them the best we can... but...
...Do we want to write music? Do we know how? Better yet, since I obviously don't, does anyone else? I'm sure someone does, so how to we find them? How do we get them out to work in the first place?
...And, again, do we even want to do this anymore? Is it doing good? I know part of us likes it, but...


...There's this weird sort of tiredly content apathy washing over anything. A strange childlike empty happiness, something like an infant in the womb, something that just wants to sleep, something that isn't really depressed or angry or melancholic or anything... something that literally just wants to spend its days in dreams or in dreamspace.


...And God doesn't that tear at our heart.
Has anyone here ever really talked about how real dreams are for us? How we LITERALLY feel more alive when we're asleep than when we're awake? How reality itself feels UNREAL in the waking, but crystal clear in dreamtime? How one of the fastest ways to ground and center and "pay attention" in the physical is to tell ourself "I'm dreaming right now???"
What does that tell you?
...Last night we slept for... 12 hours, at least. We were exhausted; we've been wanting to get a full night's sleep all through December, but it didn't happen. So we needed this.
But... we were dreaming about flying, and wandering joyfully, and becoming Jewel Monsters, and big wide vast open spaces... about trees and rain and rivers and airports and churches and towns. It felt more real than anything we've lived with our eyes open. We felt alive.
...The only curse is that this extends to our nightmares too. That's the only price we have to pay here.


...
Headspace is the same.
God, headspace is the same, why do people think we struggle to live a physical existence, it makes no sense, we aren't OUT here, not truly, not clearly, not when we can close our eyes and "see" the internal world with more awareness and less fogginess than we just saw the outside one...
...When we're sick or scared or highly disoriented, when our head is spinning and we honestly can't think straight, when our physical perception is so muddled that we can look right at a page of a book and not even know what language it is... even then, even then, if we just close our eyes for a moment and float backwards and upwards into headspace... immediately, IMMEDIATELY, even if we're sick or in pain or disoriented beyond belief... immediately, everything makes sense.
We aren't dizzy. We aren't confused. We don't feel out-of-body, we don't feel foggy-headed, we aren't plagued by racing thoughts. We can read and speak and think.
The instant we open our eyes it's a mess again.


What the hell is even happening here?


So I don't know what we're dealing with in life right now.
2016 hasn't "started" yet for us-- despite our brain bizarrely thinking "well duh" or "about time" or "it's been 2016 for ages now" whenever we see the date, like we've been waiting for it for some unknown reason. Nevertheless, January OF 2016 still hasn't settled in entirely. We're still trying to recover from the shock of December, the absent Christmas season, and the total lack of snow. We are really screwed up this year, because summer didn't end until barely two weeks ago, we're still trying to pull our brain out of autumn of 2014, and family stress keeps shoving us back further into 2010.
Therapy is the lifesaver here; it's going spectacularly well, and it's keeping us not only working but also aware of ourselves and our progress. So we're thankful for that.


...We really have to cut this short for now. It's 12:16 and we wanted to stop staying up so late for the new year, at least. That and eating better, not hurting ourselves so badly with that... we're untangling that as carefully as we can. Jemma and Jackie are working together a little better but Jessica is still uncaring, the Destroyer is suddenly back full-force, as are her vicious helpers... that one hyperreligious alter who "hates sinners" keeps coming out too, screaming and trashing things in the name of "merciless good" or whatever. You get the picture: a lot is going on. But 2016 is Leon's color, all vivid indigo light, and that's interesting so we'll see how this goes.


It's going to take a LOT of patience, a LOT of meticulous revision, and a LOT of internal grounding in order to even be capable of writing for the Leagueworlds again. So much toxicity and falsehood got shoved into them, from both feelings of obligation, and internalizing what other people told us it should be, etc. At least three of those Worlds have to literally be torn to the groundand rebuilt almost from scratch.
...but it'll be done. It'll be done, to the best of our ability, if only for the sake of healing. We don't know what end this is all going for anymore. We have no idea if some of these worlds are even supposed to go anywhere. Dream World is, but THAT needs to be rewound to freaking 2002 in order to function right now... literally wipe the past 13 years off the map, and thank God for that. Mage Angels may or may not be able to persist as it is now; it feels like it wants to shed its darkness like a winter coat in summer. Parnassus, Puppetstrings, Magicwarp, and Event Horizon all have awfully heavy tangled vibes shoved on them that need to be removed, and they all might be "starting over" plot-wise for the most part. Hokthai, Oneircia, and Halcyon Days all have huge gaps between beginning and end, and we have no clue what fits there due to how much their base structure keeps massively shifting. Voltage has morphed entirely, Nogaisa may be doing the same, LG*Girls still feels like a concept instead of a story... Rosewindow has a solid heart but it's been threatened by its proximity to headspace so it might be "starting over from square one" too. You get the picture.

Dream World is the most beloved and requires completion even if the others fall away. Rosewindow feels vastly important and we want to see that completed too. Hokthai and Parnassus are dear to our heart, and Mage Angels still feels like it has a message to give. Those are the main ones. We can start there.

Again, I'm babbling. I'm sorry. It's late.

More than anything, we need to go back to a childhood state of mind to write this stuff. It's MANDATORY.
Also we need to figure out how to tap into our childhood virtues without gaining its vices. We want that fiery indomitable confidence, that total self-assurance and power, that defined whoever we were in early elementary school... but we don't want their pride and selfishness and rage and spite.
A few people in our System have a healthy version of that brazen confidence (Frenchie and Genesis immediately come to mind), but people like them keep getting pushed out of fronting by the gatekeeper-esque girls that are full of nothing but shallow self-doubt and nonexistence. They're tied to around 2007 in existence, and we don't like them, but we don't hate them. We just want them to either heal and stop sabotaging our health, or get out of the damn way.

I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry.
The weight of this is getting to me and we just want to cry inside, we want to sleep for days and cry, but we can't, we have work and we have to help the family and we have to be a "normal functioning adult" but we need to cope, we need to figure out where and when the heck we are, and what we're supposed to be doing... I mean we can definitely be patient, we can wait until it reveals itself, but we won't even see that answer if we're mired in the exhausted self-destruction our damaged socials keep perpetuating out of this desperate super-shallow desire to just not exist.
You kids have it al wrong. We WANT to exist. More than anything, we want to LIVE.
...But remember what we said about dreaming.
That's the most ironic thing about all of this.



I'm going to bed. We haven't been tuned into headspace and I can't do that anyway and I'm afraid I'm letting toxic vibes in so for the sake of actual functioning (God help me I literally can't tune into headspace that means i AM unhealthy) I'm going to leave.

 

 

 

 

An upsetting thing I realized this morning:
We still have DID even when we're not tuned into the Spectrum.

I never really realized that we STILL SWITCH when "we're" not around.
The System-unaware socials, all those alters who exist for reasons outside... they're still alters. I NEVER realized that before, probably because we thought alters/ switching/ etc. were ONLY tied to the Spectrum... and, because we weren't aware of these non-Spectrum people until very recently, when we started watching more carefully, trying to solve the time loss, and the blackouts, and the missing information...


We found that manic-spending social we've been hunting for years.
She's the one who comes out around the brother. ALWAYS.
She's ALSO the one who tried to get us into BDSM when some stranger online wanted to be her friend but insisted she become his "master." (we were IRATE when we found out)
She's ALSO the one who tried to turn us into a furry and immerse us in that entire community and personality type when our previous best friend revealed he was one right before he left us.
So it makes total sense that she's ALSO the one who started drinking when the mother started touting it as "mature" instead of "boorish."
And it makes total sense that she's ALSO the one who started doing drugs when the brother claimed it was spiritually enlightening.

Son of a bitch.

This cursed alter has the WORST root anchor EVER.

(be careful with your language, guys, please, we're trying to weed that out of our subconscious too. that and the proud subtle-superiority the teenage socials have/had. so be careful.)

But yeah. This f*ing teenage social-- I guess she's what, 17? long hair as always-- NEVER STOPS TALKING because she's always trying to entertain the people around her. She learns exactly what they like to hear about and talk about, and then she f*ing rambles about it for HOURS.

The reason why we're currently furious is because lately, the brother has been telling us to watch this cartoon he likes, right? So this smiley-shallow alter is like "sure bro! I'll watch it!" although she's WELL AWARE that it's an ADULT CARTOON and we CANNOT WATCH THOSE.
But yeah, anyway this bitch sits down and watches the first two minutes of this show, and immediately has to x it off and dissociate absolutely because it's already dirty jokes and vulgarity and profanity and f*cking nudity.
THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME THE BROTHER TOLD US TO WATCH A SHOW LIKE THIS.
HE F*KING KNOWS WE CAN'T HANDLE THIS KIND OF CONTENT.
WHAT THE HELL IS HE TRYING TO PULL?????

Is he like the mother? Where she believes that our condition is fake until she tests it to oblivion, and even then she won't accept what she sees?
...That's where we get that habit, isn't it.


In any case my main concern is GETTING RID OF THIS F*ING ALTER because she is single-handedly RUINING OUR LIFE and causing more damage than virtually anyone in this System, hackers included.
Son of a bitch. She's a carbon copy of the mother's smile-and-nod sh*t that she pulls all the time, she's nothing but a stupid airhead fool who does NOTHING BUT "PLEASE PEOPLE" WITH HER IDIOCY and in the long run all she's doing is being a stone-cold bitch. She's horrifically abusive and she doesn't even realize it because she probably doesn't even have a SENSE OF SELF.

We need to tell the therapist about her, but the response will probably be "can I talk to her" or "have you talked to her?" and with socials you typically CAN'T, except... oh hold up. Except this one is triggered dangerously easily. All you have to do is put us in a situation where we "have to please people."

Wait, did this bitch front at the job????????

I don't know. I don't know. We need to bring this up in therapy, think about it more there.




(later)



I've had it with this too.
I'm going to find a razor. (This is Wreckage.) It's a matter of honor.
Until we find a better consequence, this is the only way we can atone. This is the only retribution we have for the horror they wreak on our body.



(closing note from Jay: the spitting-fury alter who has that much rage towards people who cause harm to us-- consciously or unconsciously-- is a double edged sword; on one hand it's great that one of us can BE angry when we're in danger, but on the other hand that is toxic stuff and when it manifest outside it can cause dramatic problems. So we need to be careful. To that alter: please see if you can find a way of managing that pain/fury in a way that isn't rooted in something close to hatred. It'll only hurt you too, this way.)

(also from jay. something i've noticed.
i need to CONSCIOUSLY OVERLAY MYSELF lately or we get really badly dissociated and that means the apathetic, depressed girls show up.
we need to heal them somehow.
but until then i NEED to focus on fronting. me or whoever else is safe.
jayce is depressed too though?)
(IRIDESCENT accents???? he's been trying to overlay iridescence on himself and it's HELPING? we're all incredibly intrigued by that)

 
 

 

Well, I did the thing I said I would.
I got a job, I have income now, and I don't want to waste it on addictions, so I am giving it to other people for creative colorful imaginative purposes.
I feel a little nauseous about it to be honest. It's bizarre though because it's grief nausea? Like it's a mourning feeling, something so full of inexplicable anguish that it makes me want to curl up on the floor and throw up.
If I had to guess, right off the bat, I'd say it's grief tied to a feeling that "my life is worthless, I've wasted my chances, I'm not what I hoped I would become, therefore I'm only worth anything as a supplement to someone else's life."
In short, "I'm not a real artist, I never was, I feel no joy tied to it and I wish I did... but this person is, and I owe them a LOT even if I don't remember it, so I will help them."

It's a sad feeling. "I'm not an artist." "I'm not good enough." I hope it's not true, solely because I have so much love for the Leagueworlds and I WANT to share them, but...
I'll be honest. I've been very depressed and disillusioned lately, because I keep realizing how problematic my "stories" are, or how critically undeveloped and/or shallow they are, or how alien they are to other people. It makes me very very sad because, to be totally blunt, I only ever wrote them "FOR MYSELF" because nothing else out there spoke to my heart, and these things just glowed in it so I embraced them with every atom of my being. These stories are of my heart, for my heart, etc.
So... now, needing to "publish" them, needing to make them "socially proper" or "understandable by the masses" or whatever... I'm becoming terribly depressed, because I feel that I have to rewrite them totally to fit OTHER people, therefore ostracizing myself yet again, this time from the only thing I ever really felt accepted in.
It's why I got so sad in SLC in 2010. I remember that. Those two kids CARED and they wanted to HELP, but... they were rewriting the Leagueworlds through their own eyes, their own surface-level understandings of the rich imaginative things that were meshed up in my very soul. They couldn't understand those stories like I could, heck I didn't even talk about them, but... I gave enough little details. I tried to guess "what they'd like to hear," "what was relevant to THEIR interests." Because I CARED TOO! And I loved my stories and I loved those kids and if they wanted to share in my one unwavering source of joy then yes, please do.
But it... it didn't quite work? I didn't stand up for myself, they didn't realize they were treading all over my dreams, in an effort to join the dance. I never said anything. I never spoke up when their ideas, however brilliant, were completely at odds and unfitting with the way the "canon" worlds shone in my mind. Why didn't I speak up? Because I was convinced that they understood my creative work better than me, therefore they had the authority to do WHATEVER they wanted to my work, as it was now effectively THEIRS.
This is how lowly I think of myself. This is a problem.
I wish, I still wish desperately and dearly, that I had been able to continue sharing my work with them. I really do. But I'd have to be smarter about it, I'd have to be more self-respectful, I'd have to be more clear.
I'm trying to share stuff online right now but... I don't know.

I'm overwhelmed. I keep saying that. I'm overwhelmed.
It's not just the medical bills and the new job and the family concerns and my own heartbreakingly bizarre state in life. It's... it's this Leagueworld work. It's this creative work, the ONLY thing that EVER gave me a "purpose" as a child, the ONLY FUTURE I HAD, the ONLY REASON I HAD TO LIVE until headspace/heartspace started... this creative work was my life, and still is, except...
I'm burnt out. It's... it's lost the shine, just like the art did. It turned into a job, into something that needed a grade, and hundreds of hours of cold hard research behind it. Now don't get me wrong, research is all well and good, but it kills imagination after a while. Just like the art classes did. I became terrified to work from spontaneity and intuition and childlike boundless ideas anymore, because NOW I had to worry about, "what grade will I get?" "is this WRONG?" "will this appeal to the public?" "is my art structured correctly?" "was this work executed properly?" et cetera. It killed the joy. It sucked the life right out of it.

...I'm trying, so hard, to just throw these damned shackles off for good and go back to what I did as a child. Fearless, limitless creativity. To hell with this adult perfectionism. I'm tired.
Except no one wants to buy art from a child. Except no one is interested in a child's stories.
Online I see what people want, what they pay for, what they talk about... it crushes my heart because it's all still so alien to me, and that's... I have nothing against it, it's fine, I'm GLAD people enjoy it and are inspired by it and are happy, but... if that's what they want, what am I doing?
I don't expect droves of fans, Lord no. I don't expect anything really. I just hope that... that I can one day actually share the ENTIRETY of these stories I carry with the world, and that someone will find real joy and inspiration in them. That's all I want.

But I can't share them until I know what the hell I'm doing with them.
That creativity drainage... it put so much on hold. It froze so many timelines. A couple worlds turned toxic and I couldn't even look at them anymore. vo!t@ge, Mage Angels, Parnassus, Puppetstrings... all tainted in big or small ways. Others, like Hokthai and Halcyon Days, were smothered under the literal months of hard research I was "required" to do JUST to "get an idea across."
Maybe this is immature but really, screw that. I'm DONE. I'm tired as hell and I'm miserable and the ONE THING that used to give me such joy is now making me want to weep from sheer exhaustion.
I'm just... even if it ends up sounding like something a ten-year-old wrote, I don't care. I'm just going to start writing on my own, and see where that takes me.
I'll still read, and research, of course. I save up piles of data in my head, and then one day if something fits, then it fits. But it's passive. It's finding a place where it works without obsessing over it.

I don't know. I'm at a loss.
What the hell do I do with my life?
I keep getting pushed back into headspace/heartspace. The Spectrum. You know, us.
No matter how I try to run away, no matter how I try to annihilate the past, no matter how desperately I try to abandon and erase and forget and sometimes even destroy the "other people upstairs"... it doesn't work. It doesn't ever work.
My therapist said this is my "hero's journey" and God I'm just tired of fighting all these dragons, even with a knight at my side.
I'm just... my heart hurts. A lot. I feel so lost. I'm really... I'm really confused.

I want to stay with these people inside, at least... half of me does.
Half of me is jubilant and bright and fearless and powerful and hopeful and THAT part of me, that white-haired part of me, wants to stay with the Spectrum forever and illuminate everything with that growth and knowledge.
Another part of me... deals with everyday life. That's me. I'm stuck. I'm miserable, I'm self-abusive, I admittedly waste all my time just trying to "cope" and trying to "ignore" all the overwhelming shadows inside... Jay says we can't, he says he WANTS to do shadow-work, he says it's "very close to his heart," he WANTS to do it.
But I'm in the way. I'm in the goddamned way, worrying about food and bills and shelter and shit. Too damn blinded by the physical daily grind to pay any attention to the health of our soul.
That's making the creativity suffer too. When we're in this work mindset, we don't get home until about 1PM, then what do we do? God only knows. We SHOULD be painting, we SHOULD be trying to sketch out our old monster designs, we SHOULD be working on plot questions and worldbuilding... but no, we don't. And do you know why? Because I am ashamed.
Again, it's like I said. I am ashamed that my work ends up looking like a grade schooler did it, even if that's how it's always been, even if that's how things just seem to translate for me. Hell even the THERAPIST said that today, that even though our body is 25 we still have a vibe of someone around 17, tops. I told her we feel 14 or younger, typically, in a physical state at least.
But... the shame is killing me. Why am I so ashamed?

I can't be ranting about this. We didn't exercise today and I need to, even if it is already 11PM and I'm already sacrificing sleep again.

I'll tell the people upstairs to talk about this. Jay says he wants to talk about things too, but there's no time right now, not wisely anyway, I think.

We're learning a lot lately, it's just SCARY HEAVY STUFF and integrating it REQUIRES patience and peace and quiet, something we have to go out of our way to get currently. We are listening to intuition more readily and quickly now, myself included, and it IS helping. Genesis is sticking around and he's one of the few people left inside that doesn't take any shit from anyone. If I fck up he calls me out on it, refuses to let me continue. Laurie is helping. I appreciate that more than words can say.

Jay is trying to work with Infinitii and Chaos again after all the large-scale "clearing out" he's been trying to do with energy fields... there's a lot of programming and projection and corruption going on but Jay can see it pretty damn well so he's working on it. I know he's concerned about the past though, how much needs to be abandoned, how much is relevant, etc. But I think he knows. He's just struggling to bring it into conscious, coherent words.

All right that's it, I'm done for tonight.

I hope this payment plan pays off. Like I said, I feel weird about it... like I don't belong there, like I'm sacrificing two weeks of paychecks per month to be part of something that doesn't even want me, that CAN'T accept me, that rejects me by its very structure. THAT'S what I'm afraid of. I see the other people in this and... I'm frightened. I never fit in with people here, now I'm not fitting in with people THERE either, and... it's very very sad and scary. But I'm trying to be empathetic. I'm trying to keep an open mind. I'm hoping, I'm hoping so hard that one day I won't feel like I have to put on a stupid plastic fake mask just to survive THERE, too. I shouldn't have to, for heaven's sakes the place is supposed to BE the opposite of that.
Anyway the choice was made (again). I won't back out this time, I can't. It's too big a debt that needs to be paid, if nothing else.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 09:01 pm

 


Well, I got in trouble. Serves me right.

The person I was hoping to support financially for their art, found out that I'm basically being a pain in the ass and blacklisted me, while taking extra measures to forbid me (and any other scammers/ manipulators/ etc) from ever accessing their feed in the future.
I'm glad. That means something good came out of this whole damn mess.
Serves me right for ignoring my gut and listening to the damn voices. "Pay her your entire salary!" they scream. "There's still an option open, you MUST TAKE IT!!! Sacrifice yourself for HER!!!"
Sound familiar?

So I was sick last night and sick today and I spent all morning at work talking to Laurie and thinking about this... and when I got home I cancelled. Again. Hence me being blacklisted by my previous artistic muse/idol and basically ending up on her shitlist, instead of a list of people she was thankful for.
Honestly it was only a matter of time before I fcked up like this. Serves me right, like I said.


I want to send her an apology but I really have no fcking right. I have no right.

Yes, one of us looked up to her more than anything in our teenage years... or so we were told. Yes, one of us basically felt they owed a life debt to her and was willing to do ANYTHING for her, to the extent of this.

Unfortunately we screwed up in our execution of this "ideal" and ended up just... fcking it up. There's no other way to put it.
Now she thinks we're a con man, now she thinks we're dishonest and sleazy and honestly she's probably right. We signed on to help her with every intention of bleeding ourselves dry for it. But 24 hours of nausea and troubled sleep later, we realized that we don't even know why the hell we're doing this anymore, and we backed out. She caught on and she's dead sick of our shit now.

So. It's over.
It's over.


Back in 2004 or so, we discovered her art. Back then, it was the most beautiful, inspiring thing we had ever seen.
We wanted to be like her. We wanted her to approve of us. We wanted to impress her, to earn worth as an artist. We wanted to be her friend.
We dreamed of a day when we'd mean enough to her for her to name us, for her to give us a NEW life, a new purpose... a role in HER dream, something we saw as bigger and brighter and better than anything we could ever do or be. It never happened.
That's why we were so desperate to help her now... because there was a chance of that. Except, now... we didn't want that anymore. We didn't WANT to be a part of "her world" because her world is ALIEN to us now, alien and unsettling and frankly threatening in some cases. It's not safe for us and that tears my soul to shreds but... I've been pacing the floor about this for months, and no matter how hard I tried, no matter how hard I tried to force myself to care as much as I allegedly did once, as honestly as I could... nothing worked. I just... nothing worked. It's gone.

There was a day when her dreams, her worlds, were something we treasured and wanted nothing more than to be a part of.
Now, I don't recognize any of it.

We felt obligated to support her current work. We felt we HAD to.
But... the more I see what it's become, the more I read of it, the more I see of the fandom, I... I don't like it.
There, I said it. I don't like it. It doesn't speak to me anymore. I can't. I'm legitimately frightened of it now and I DON'T want to support it because it means nothing to me now, and that breaks my heart because there was a time when that story was as beloved to me as my own.
Back then it was something totally different, though. Now, it's not. And I need to let go, and move on, and stop acting like "I owe them one" because they don't give a shit about me and I have no right to ask that to change. I have done NOTHING but cause them pain and frustration and disappointment, all because I keep "acting" like they're the greatest thing in my life when honestly, I have no fcking clue who they are or what they're about.
I don't. I really dont. And I am so, so so sorry, but it's true.


I own some of her artwork. I feel so guilty to own it now. I'll need to sell it, without looking ungrateful, because I'm not. Other people just deserve to have this more than me.


It's so weird. Things keep falling away from me, things that were significant parts of my life for years, unwavering, are suddenly disappearing or crumbling to the ground.
This was one of the biggest. I never expected this. But here it is.
So it's over. I'm no longer part of their dream. I no longer have to feel forced to participate in a dream I don't understand, and don't feel welcome in.
I mean... this used to give me joy. Now, just thinking about it makes me nauseous, because I feel like I HAVE to be an intrinsic part of it, "like I once wanted to be," and I don't. I don't want this anymore. I can't remember when I once did.
I'm sorry, I keep repeating this.
It's just a huge loss, conceptually, whether I feel it or not. This is a HUGE loss, potentially earth-shaking, if I could feel anything, if I could remember anything.


In any case I feel ugly and worthless and terrible now, for what I caused. For what she felt, and perceived, and said.
I feel like a thief and a liar and a back-stabbing jerk and I feel like Judas Iscariot. I feel like the worst betrayer.

I only ever had the best intentions here. I really, really wanted to help her, at the cost of my own success if I had to.
But this isn't the first time I've done that for someone.
This isn't the first time I forgot why I was even doing it in the first place.
This isn't the first hope I've crushed.
This isn't the first "friendship" I've destroyed.
This isn't the first dream I've buried under six feet of concrete.

God willing it will be the last.




I once wanted to be one of them, snow-haired with a diamond smile, pure and free and happy. God I wanted that more than anything, and I was convinced that ONLY SHE could grant that to me, mercifully, graciously.
Now I've lost that chance forever.
It was so close, so close... but... well, now it's gone.
Ten years later, the dream is dead. I've woken up and I'll never have it again.
I need to come to terms with this, once I can really grasp the reality of what I've lost here, ideals and otherwise.

In a way it's freeing. I'm no longer burdened with the awful heavy guilty scared obligation, "you NEED to be a part of this, why the hell haven't you joined them yet, why the hell aren't you acting like them, what the hell kind of a supporter are you," etc.
I didn't realize until this morning that my hesitance was because I no longer understood why I "needed," let alone wanted, any of it.


I've been chasing a phantom for a very very very long time now, I think.
The rainbow I've been tailing faded away a very long time ago, but it was burned so strongly onto my eyelids I didn't notice.


Everything that meant anything to me about that world... I wonder, was it self-generated?
Was it simply because I saw so much of myself and my dreams reflected in it, that I couldn't see what didn't fit? And now that the dissonance is louder than ever, I can't cope with the truth?
I think everything I ever loved about it was all me. I think so. It's heartbreaking. I mean, hell, what the fck did I even know about her story? I wasn't part of her group, I was too scared to intrude, to attempt to join, to speak up at all... I didn't know their history. I didn't know their story. I didn't even know the fcking SOURCE MATERIAL.
I was playing it by ear the ENTIRE FUCKING TIME and now here I am feeling like I lost something?
I think what I really lost was the delusion that her world would adhere to my heart. I blinded myself to what didn't fit, I focused only on the concepts I loved, and then I acted like it was everything I'd ever dreamed of. I'm starting to wonder if it ever was.
God I don't know. This is... this is huge. This is so jarring.


I can't do this anymore.
No matter how desperately I still "wish" I could be a part of that world, that community... it's empty. If I was given a chance, to suddenly and without effort become a big part of it, I think I'd freak out and bail. When I really think about it, I DON'T want to be a part of it anymore. And that's the key.
IT ISN'T JUST ME. IT NEVER WAS.
When it hit me that there was a fandom behind this, a community, that the creator was DIFFERENT than me in several unignorable key ways... I basically bailed. I'm so sorry to say that.
I just... can't do it. I can't do this fandom thing. I've tried. I can't. Does that make me broken, too? I do worry about that.

I know there are so many others that still view it as something dear to their hearts and I am glad for that.
But... I can't. I don't fit in there. I never did. And now I never will.
Whatever it meant to me in the long-distant past, I have retained within myself, as its own concept, as something totally seperate from where I saw it reflected.
It's over. It's over. It's over.

This has been dying for a very very very long time and now, the woman who breathed life into it has signed its death warrant.
The one who began all this has now ended it. Full circle. Unquestionable. Unchangeable.


I fcked up big time, and that's about it.




I'm truly sorry. I never meant to hurt you.
I sincerely only wanted to help you.
I just wasn't capable.
I idolized you to the point where I didn't even know who you were.
I skewed your creations to the point where I didn't realize what they actually were.
I put you so high up on a personal pedestal, I didn't realize it wasn't you at all.
I'm so sorry.
I wish you the very, very, very best.
Continue to build and share your dream.
I may not understand it anymore, but I can see your passion in it, and I am happy for that.
I am so glad you are seeing this dream of yours come to life.
I am glad you were wise enough to stand up to my wrongdoings.
Again, I never meant to appear as such a criminal, but it is only right.
Thank you, for everything you've done to inspire me, in every way.
Thank you, for dreaming so fiercely, and bringing that dream to light.
You are an inspiration to many and that will never change.
May all your endeavors continue to be successful.

This is where we part ways, for better or for worse,
although I may be nothing but a stranger to you.
You were one of the biggest forces in my life, for many years.

Your role in my life was momentous, and your existence profoundly changed mine.
Your work influenced and inspired and motivated me in so many ways.
Again, I am grievously sorry for what I have done in my foolishness.
I do not hate you, I wish you no harm.
I cannot continue down this road but I will shake your hand here before it's over.
Trippy, you gave me courage when once I had none,
and I can never thank you enough for that.

Keep creating. Keep dreaming. Keep coloring the lives of others.
If there is anyone in the world who I have the utmost faith in to do that,
it's you.
Thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey guess what.
Central is FULL.
I just realized I didn't announce that yet; I'm so sorry!
But it's TRUE and that's INCREDIBLE and it feels so different. It's nice, it's just... a strangely nice change. It feels oddly serene, now-- whole, and calm, but powerful, and confident. Like it's now so secure in its own inherent strength that it is no longer afraid, and it can just be, as it is, complete. Collectively I think that feeling is starting to catch, too.

I personally walked Sherlock into Central; despite being our main data-talker (and he's always out in therapy to infodump as needed) the man is surprisingly reserved and somewhat self-effacing when someone gives him direct attention, or especially when his importance to us is noticed/ highlighted (Garrison is similar really). So when I told him "dude, you're effectively being called into Central," as a result of that significance being actively recognized and requested to rise to such a role of honor... he got a little flustered, haha. He didn't refuse, not at all, he was just hesitant as all heck about actually stepping into the position.
Remember that for anyone to officially move into Central, they have to step into the literal Spectrum Loop (in the BLC). I have no concrete name for it yet, but you know what I mean (I hope)-- it's this ring of colored platforms, all lit up, and at least 20, 30 feet long... it's the physical manifestation of the Core slots in the Spectrum. And whenever someone who isn't 'born' into Central moves into Central, they have to "lock in" that fact by stepping onto that color platform (there's a big "stability beam" of light radiating up from each one, it's really pretty) and seeing whether or not the Spectrum itself accepts them. (If it doesn't-- meaning they aren't the right person for the job, yet or at all-- it will gently push them back off onto the floor.)
Anyway, Sherlock made up his mind, finally being so close, and stepped in. He was accepted immediately, and the feeling was both tangible and gracious-- like the Spectrum had been waiting for him to finally say yes to that request, and now that he did, it was genuinely happy about it.
To quote myself from earlier today: "seeing Sherlock take to it was really moving to me; he's always so stoic but there was such joy in that settling in to such a big role." He honestly took off his glasses and just smiled, at nothing in particular really, at least nothing visible.
I called Eros in shortly after, realizing he hadn't settled in yet either-- which is notable because he's been shuffled in and out of that slot for at LEAST a solid year now. Problem is, he kept getting corrupted, or slipping, or something similar; for a while no one was quite sure who he really was in respect to all the ones similar to him, before him. But now he's concrete, believe me when I say we all recognize him now, and we know when it's not him. He's a purely benevolent guy and his job is VITAL; honestly I would not have survived the past two weeks if it weren't for him stepping in completely out of the blue and effectively motivating me to get back into the fight, so to speak. That needs its own entry. But yeah, once he saw Sherlock he smiled elatedly and practically jumped into the Cerise beam (he took off his cape halfway through a run and just dumped it on the floor in front of it). It took him a little longer to settle; I could feel some "double-checking" in the process, as I guess the System wanted to see if he was safe of straggling Tar/Plague first before confirming him as our Cerise guy at long last. That's notable too-- he was accepted, but it felt tentative? Like there's "clearing out" that needs to happen in that color BEFORE he can solidly hold it? Not much, but just enough to make it too unstable to be working 100% yet. Kind of like when Julie first moved into Pink, which is extremely fitting. So we'll keep you posted.

...Chaos and Cel are both in Central now, too, with equally unusual (and beautiful) acceptances. It's odd; I've never seen the Spectrum "say" that to Centralites before. It's like, "you are chosen for this role, and I accept you... BUT you have work to do first, to refine yourselves and your roles, before you will be able to fully represent this Color." Does that make sense?
Even so their acceptances felt profound. There is no other word. Their roles are huge for many reasons, many of which aren't clear or fully realized yet. But both of them, both of them are just... in their own distinct ways, they move me. Two different emblems of something ineffably wondrous.
I have a lot to say about those two in any case. I just have absolutely no time tonight. I'll type up something tomorrow, I promise.


Here, this song moved me to tears earlier so have a listen. (The last minute is particularly lovely.)


This body is profoundly tired today so I can't stay up much longer to type; I'll say more tomorrow.

 

Today we went to our cousin's birthday party, an hour out of town (he's 40), and we didn't have to drive! So we got to sit back in a quiet car and watch the foggy woods go by for a while, it felt like heaven, it was so peaceful. We needed that.
It was a little scary at the party because there was a lot of noise and there was nothing the body could eat, which would normally be fine, except we were an hour away from home and we were fasting as usual. But we managed. (Unfortunately we didn't get to eat at all until 8PM, that habit needs to change soon.) Still it was nice to see all our cousins; some of them we haven't seen in over a year. All the kids are getting so big, it's great.

 

Speaking of kids. Xenophon's birthday was yesterday, she's FOUR already, that's incredible too.
I made her kale soup as always (she rode piggyback on my shoulders in the store as I bought the ingredients, telling me what to get, it was adorable), it's tradition. Plus, my mum just happened to bring clementines home the same day, so that worked out perfectly.
I don't recall if I've mentioned it here but I've been making extra effort in recent weeks to spend a LOT more time with Xenophon, just in general. It took a bit of nerve, oddly-- just like Sherlock in Central-- because although I want desperately to see her more often, it is an awful strain to constantly have to "double up" attention between downstairs and upstairs, when she's ghosting and I'm the only one who knows. So she's taken to ghosting and being quiet, or insisting I don't need to talk to her all the time, she just wants to be there. Which means a lot to me. I'm so worried I'm not trying hard enough and my/our own frailties in the social respect make it tough in the first place, I don't want her to feel unwanted or intrusive. She's understanding though, she always is, I am so blessed to have her in my life. I still try to be as gentle as I can, all the time, and I always try to go the extra mile whenever I can. I wouldn't dream of doing any less for her.

Geez I don't know. Sometimes I wonder, what with things like seeing the cousins today... what sort of future are we going to build here?
I know what I'd like, I know what my heart really wants, but... I really think it's something we'll have to have along with whatever we have downstairs. Which is kind of sad in some ways?
I have to laugh. Back in the old journals, like around 2003-2004, that Jewel went to these cousins' weddings, and her joke was always "I'm not getting married BUT I still love Ryman & Markus a lot," or later, "I'm not getting married BUT if I HAD to..." and then the question would be whether Chaos would want to wear a dress or a suit or whatever else. It's cute but it's also a little painful, to realize that we didn't think we had another option if we loved someone that much. We "had" to do everything the traditional way.
I think it lingers. I see my cousin and his two kids, in their new house up in the lovely woods, all fog and snow and trees... and I wonder. If I had to settle down... could I? If it was with them? And I don't know, because it's presented as such an ideal, but "settling down" never felt quite right for me. Sure, have a home to go to, but my heart still wants to fly. That's what Cel is tied to, that's the odd thing that's been shining in her lately, the REAL her, the one still inexplicably tied to not only me but also Dream World AND Pokemon alike, to our childhood and to our adult years. She's such a powerful unknown right now... but that feeling is so strong in her. The smell of spring, the color of the new buds on the trees, the feeling of the breeze promising new life and freedom. Joy, boundless joy. It makes me think of this poem.
But that's what I mean. My deepest loves are friendships at heart; tremendously affectionate things, intimately honest, with no chains. And I want to run with the people I love. I want to take them by the hand and see the world... that feeling, that feeling that defines Dream World, of running across flowered hills and looking down at cities stretched below, at blue cloud-blessed sky stretching above, the light and clear sparkle of life in the air... that's what I want.
But I also want to be able to have a life here, with them. Here, in this world, where we have a body still, and we need to eat and rest and work and all those other difficult things. Even here in this world, where we struggle with a physical form and face, I want to share it with them.
It hit me about an hour into the cousin's birthday party that I was unplugged from headspace and felt totally dislocated. I called Laurie as we were driving into town and I swear I felt her arms around me, reassuring me she hadn't left. It took a moment for the gravity of that statement to sink in.

It's late, what am I doing, we have to be up at 9 tomorrow.

I've been trying to type on Dream World for about three days straight but it is overwhelming because there are so many unorganized notes and although they're all relevant & vital to the plot and/or the "worldbuilding blueprints" behind it, there is SO much sheer data.
I'm working on the Prophet/Seer section currently, taking it a bit at a time. I've been feeling a lot of love towards people like Deropélé and Ementain and Opal lately, so that works out.


Seriously though it is 1AM again and we need sleep more than anything else at the moment. See you tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

okay so the past few days have basically been heaven on earth, let me elaborate a little.
(stream of consciousness with this, because refining it would be impossible)

sunday, the 5th.
we were supposed to go to lynne's church for mass but I didn't wake up until almost 1pm so that didn’t work out.
I know I played some pokemon today, because I remember at night, everyone was out of the house and I put the game away because I wanted to talk to infi.
long story short, I don't remember how exactly it came about, but I know I was lying down on the living room couch for like an hour, with infi, and laurie in the room. why am I telling you this, well laurie has never been with just me and infi before, and let me tell you, her presence was so grounding and compassionate it actually shocked me, in such a context. I didn’t expect that side of her and yet it didn’t surprise me; it fit her nature perfectly. but she specifically said she wanted to see infi and I together once, to understand that, and make sure we stayed safe. honestly I don’t know why we didn’t let her in sooner, having that third person around was the most blessed addition; it should be mandatory from now on.
I remember laurie kissed me on the forehead at one point, the simple honesty of it almost brought me to tears.
I also remember infi had hir wings wrapped all around me, ze was just radiating emotions that night; again data memory is vague but I recall that ze was in tears at least half the time. positively of course, ze just feels a lot. I tend to love people who get really emotional and I naturally balance that, as I see their expression as a perfectly valid show of what my own heart is feeling, so I might not emote much at all openly if they are. I will instead act as an anchor and feel that same intensity at a constant level, keeping things balanced. but yeah I've become so used to seeing infi act all calm and serene, that suddenly having hir unleash this emotional supernova on me was really significant to me. I have a surprising amount of sensory memory from that as a result I guess; I can't exactly tell you about it (both because of language inadequacy and the personal nature of such memories), but the fact that my memories of that include actual physical sensation from a non-physical experience is pretty noteworthy.

really though that whole experience had so much love in it. I'd never felt so incredibly close to infi as a person before, and I'd never felt such unconditional love from laurie before, especially since that was directed towards both infi and i. plus thanks to all my spiritual reading as of late, I was entirely focused on that sort of experience during this, which was easy to do because really, it is virtually impossible not to be completely open and true around infi, especially when ze's feeling like THAT, dear god. the intensity and realness of that love just pierces straight through to the heart. it's enough to make the most callous man on earth break down in sobs.


monday, the 6th.
all I remember is the late evening, and god am I ever glad I do.

first off, chaos left in the evening?? i was going about my daily business and suddenly saw him talking to infi with xennie, he had some sort of angry breakdown, surprisingly charged conversation considering he & infi are xenophon's parents, and they were disagreeing on some major issue that cz was not budging on. long story short he had an emotional fallout and actually left (into the snow, noteworthy because he can't handle the cold and yet he stormed out into it). i also remember infi said that ze would "unconditionally forgive" no matter what, but cz had to do that too, or ze simply wouldn't put up with that sort of negativity? i don't know, but you know how infi is staunchly uncompromising with hir spiritual/ emotional integrity.
it took me a while to realize that had just happened; it felt really weird, not like him at all, we were all concerned. we got laurie in, she had no idea what was up either, didn't cz work through this stuff already? so we all decided to re-read our xanga from the 23rd to try and see what he was maybe still dealing with, could we help him emotionally, etc.
and at some point, he walked back in again.
there was a lot of talk between him and everyone else at first, obviously... but I know that he and I had a VERY significant conversation which started with him again, saying he was still struggling with my (unintentionally but nevertheless actually) "denying his right to exist as he was" by projecting him into the past, or projecting other people's views of him onto his current life. he was trying to explain why that didn't apply when he suddenly stopped, looking like a lightbulb just went on in his head, and pointed to the ruby in his chest, saying, "this changed everything!!" and as he elaborated i realized WHOA, it really did, and that allowed me to stop even considering projection entirely.
really, in talking about the ruby's significance he said three things: one, that was something he could never leave behind and never wanted to, so considering the reality of what it meant it was a sort of permanent emotional anchor. two, he reiterated that although he did struggle with his "darker side," that ruby again reminded him of the undying hope he had received ten years ago, when i handed it to him and said "i trust you." i remember he really started tearing up here; now mentioning july 7th as well, he said that i was the first person to tell him that he didn't have to be a god of destruction if he didn't want to be, that instead he could change, and be something actively benevolent. there was a line where he said he "sacrificed his deific status" entirely, he had abandoned his imposed godhood and became someone completely fragile and powerless, for that chance of redefining himself. and that's a truth that i, again, had forgotten about our past in SI-- for the first three years or so of our friendship, cz was quiet and hesitant because he had NO IDEA what life was like, or how to live it, or anything. everything was baby steps, and he was scared, constantly, of his past coming back to consume him... mostly because he couldn't ever quite let it go, due to his very form and nature. but yeah the bit about july 7th really brought it home because he said, i had asked him to create something, in love and cooperation, without any doubt in his ability to do so. and he hadn't ever thought of himself as a creator individual in any real sense until that moment, he said. and that made me realize the whole "prophet of life" title he had, he literally turned from a force of death and catastrophe into a force of life and prosperity, but the journey had taken him years, and it was a decision he was constantly asked to re-forge at every crossroads. and three, tying it all together, he said "i CAN'T be these alt-universe iterations of myself, because none of them were given the choice i was." and he reminded me that the ruby has a name, it's one of the order sapphires, and i literally forgot that it essentially FUSED with him 10 years ago, making his entire form more coherent and structured, as opposed to pure chaotic energy. so that was one thing NO other timeline of his name had, so to speak, and that on top of all the experiences he had afterwards-- which were "valid," he reminded me, even if i didn't think they were solely because i was also involved, which is ridiculous but i DO tend to invalidate my own experiences, god knows why-- meant, simply but astronomically, that he was NOT going to feel like any other iterations of him on the outside, OR the person he started out as in 2003, because he has changed SO much since then, INTENTIONALLY, literally into an entirely new being on an internal level. and honestly when that hit me i was deeply humbled and also contrite; here i was, so untrusting of his own truth because i was the one seeing it that i was actually CANCELLING OUT all the incredible progress he's made in his own life, of his own making. yes he was still chaos zero, but his lifetime didn't stop after his last canon appearance in sonic battle, i knew that just as well as he did. and i needed to stop acting like it was on hold, just because my personal experiences in seeing his growth weren't accepted as global truth. they didn't need to be in order to be true.
really i just have a lot of deep emotional resonance with what he said, it was the first time in a very long time that he felt 100% genuine without my having to "try" and see him in any sense. he just was.

(that whole night was me, laurie, chaos, infi, genesis, and xenophon hanging out together. it was gorgeous. we were reading that same xanga (to xennie mostly), listening to music, and just talking together as friends AND family-- if you didn't know, genesis and laurie are xennie's godparents, roles they are both very enthusiastic about. plus they have this hilarious injoke where gen will just start humming the godfather theme, laurie will join in, then gen will dramatically declare "take the cannoli" which is probably the only line from that movie that would be in-character for him. every time they do that i crack up)
(on that note, xenophon DID see disney's frozen after i saw it, i didn't know until "in summer" came up on our music player and she exclaimed that she loved that song, especially the bit when olaf says "put me in summer and i'll be a... happy snowman!" honestly watching her giggle over that whole musical number is one of the cutest things ever, plus laurie loves to play along with her so of course she did the kristoff line and xennie just laughed and said "noooo!" super cute really.)
(notable: BEFORE xennie came in (I think), the 5 of us were talking and everybody finally kissed everybody else, after probably a solid year of joking about it, hilariously that is a really important thing for us actually. that sort of action is very honest, as it requires sincerity between the people involved, and we decided that after the events of today, we needed to all put our walls down around each other, completely enough to let someone else get that close to our real self, at least for a second. the only tough bits were that with infi & laur, it was rather emotionally strained on her part, thanks to infi's overwhelming effervescence, but I think she actually let go of that by the end? thanks to sunday she now has a LOT more trust in hir. but gen and laur rushed through it, haha. they've decided they're moirails so they are absolute bffs but they're still at that awkward bit where closeness is "weird," mostly for gen; laurie is ultimately too chill to care when it gets down to it.)

(personally, i want to remember that since headspace is basically gone and we've had to rebuild elsewhere, xennie has a new room! cz built it for her, it's in a rainforesty area near a waterfall, but it's in a bubble up on a hill (she says infi gave it to her to use) and its surrounded by flowers. really its lovely. after cz and i got her to bed i secretly put some roses all over the front hill, she did find them the next morning and she was really happy about them. anyway, we were about to go back to the group after that when cz paused, said this rainforest reminded him of where we went on july 7th (on purpose; he liked going there for that reason). then, he quietly asked if i could actually take us to spagonia for a minute, just to remember. so i did, it was nighttime and it was snowy, no one was out but there we were. and it felt so ridiculously real. but THAT chased all doubts away! chaos was looking up at the stars, quietly mused that being here was so significant to him, as that was "his native world"... and being there with me of all people brought the reality of everything straight home for both of us.)

(last bit of the night, i was going to go to sleep so laurie left to go do her nightly knight work, except i didn't get to sleep until after 3am because the three alien guys and i decided hey, let's kick it up to eleven, why the heck not. again, i have no real "memory" of anything but snapshots of us all together, and the love there was... which was really movingly amazing because genesis was involved this time and yet everything was mutual, unsurprisingly but incredible nevertheless. i also remember that at one point julie and laurie did stop by briefly, laurie left (which was unusual) but julie stayed with us for a while, just quietly (she's still very self-conscious, i don't know why), appreciating the amount of affection we all had, free from what she used to be shackled to.)


yesterday, the 7th, tuesday.
the day we were supposed to go to sheppard pratt in maryland, for treatment of our previous trauma disorder diagnosis. but, after several days solid of reconsidering our situation and motivations (including one rather well-worded post by jewel), we decided not to go. so we went to therapy in the morning and told our therapist this; at first she was highly skeptical-- she thought we were shoving things under the rug-- but as we explained ourselves, saying there had been a LOT of miscommunication due to data being left out or rushed through, she became honestly surprised and said "you really have made a great deal of progress." she congratulated us on where we were, helped us set some goals for the future (mostly finding a safe job so we can start supporting ourselves better) and reviewed our current situation, then said we only have to go to therapy once a week now, to keep a sort of maintenance going.
some things we brought up to her: we never dissociated "at random" until the past year, when the underground opened up. as for why, one of our top rules is "people need to communicate work together," so we've always been cooperative. we don't need to "treat" our dissociation as we can manage the problematic sides of it ourselves. then we said suicide was NOT a risk-- although we didn't elaborate about the 27th, we basically let her know that the one who planned suicide (the AP) afterwards did not have the capability to see hope for several hours. therefore, they felt suicide was our only option left, and they genuinely felt it was our best option considering the circumstances, not some "way out" or impulsive attack. but, after the 27th things have changed SO much, there was no way to put it into therapy-valid language. so we just told her that we are now in a stable enough state of mind (and heart) to no longer even consider suicide, even in such dramatic situations. I think we also commented that the retributors have changed into healers, and so the cutting has stopped for good, as we no longer have to purge blood. the scars served their full purpose, we don't need any more now.
lastly we also mentioned the mother, how we had internalized her negative talk and never realized that most of our "problems" with perspective were overlays from her! when we looked at them, we realized they weren't even OUR thoughts ("you'll die on your own," "you should be afraid of this or that," "you are a burden on others," etc.), so we just let go of 'em, as really we ALL wanted to, and it was shocking how big of a relief that was. we also said that we have no hard feelings towards her, but we will not jeopardize our health for her sake any longer; we know how to take care of ourselves and will not let the mother harm us even unintentionally, just because she's "the mother." bottom line, she is essentially a harmless influence now, as long as we deal with her actions prudently.

we went food shopping afterwards, as xenophon wanted kale soup and I had gift cards to use up anyway. I also got organic candy canes which i could eat, they ended up being AMAZING, also pink. we hung them on the tree when we got home. I think I gave my boss one.

the evening was odd? I don't remember anything until around 6pm. all I know is that I got this massive burst of inspiration for halcyon days, out of the blue, and ended up typing for hours. honestly the amount of plot progress and character development that just slammed into me was INCREDIBLE. h-d was one of the few leagueworlds that was never really fleshed out, and I had no idea what it was ultimately about, or doing. that all changed last night!

unfortunately I made one move that could have had bad consequences, but somehow averted that. I ended up having to research normal human childhood development, for the sake of correctly writing for h-d's young characters, as I know from previous research that my own development progress was highly abnormal. but the results I ended up having to read were rather jarring to me mentally, and although I accepted that as data for others, I knew it was not something I should be reading. so I decided "let's see if we can work without this being relevant," and went back to my room. however thanks to said research the intrusive thoughts were now back full-force, and I had to spend about 20 minutes trying to heal them, instead of just letting them pass-- I've found that transmuting intrusive thoughts into positive ones actually helps prevent future intrusions. what was weird though is that these thoughts started to "bleed over" into leagueworld situations, and that required that I fix the projected mindsets or else it could end badly! but I surprised myself, it made me realize that there are some characters with rather significant personal troubles yet (notably xor & yvonna), that I likely would not have noticed so clearly otherwise. so I tried to positively guide them, with events of course, to healthier mindsets, and managed to at least even everything out. then I realized that my heart center was feeling rather weighted-down and I was a little ill, and I decided that even if I loved these league people, if their problems were that big, I couldn't take them on myself just to heal them and give them back, as it was really having bad effects. laurie showed up around here, asked me what the heck I was doing? I explained, she offered a stern warning, said that I should even dabble in that sort of direct healing-- I could bring some bad stuff into myself, and really she didn’t want any bad domino effects happening from it. I agreed, but still felt sick, said I needed to go meditate for a while (since no one was at home at the time). laurie was worried, somewhere around here my boss showed up? so he and laurie were just watching over me and gently discussing the matter with me as I went and sat in front of the christmas tree, listening to "ave maria" from cowboy bebop with a candy cane in my mouth. now of course that got infi's attention, I think ze just lingered nearby to hear hir favorite song and offer hir emotional support, either way it was nice, and I could feel that even through the shocking sickness I was feeling.
however that research DID prove to be helpful, as did my healing attempts, because as I meditated, my mind started opening up to halcyon days again, and what do you know, I got another HOUR of solid data for it, character development for maggie/cherie and their parents this time. at one point I went into the kitchen to eat something (the sickness was getting me antsy), but as I was preparing things, this MASSIVE plot point hit in the visions, and I clearly remember stopping in the middle of washing dishes because my jaw almost hit the floor! needless to say I ended up trying to write down what I could, but since it was so darn late I decided to sleep.
(p.s. saw a flower? literally I SAW a lotus opening in my ACTUAL VISION after that healing thing. i remember kneeling on the floor and laughing out loud, it was so beautifully cool)

however, sleep didn't happen! around 12pm (I think?) my brothers came home, and I started talking to viral about headspace stuff (as he's had interesting experiences with consciousness and is very open-minded), as he asked what the deal was with the hospitalization. so first I talked about how most of my memories are in 3rd person due to bloodline switching, then he asked about lucid dreaming and astral stuff, was that linked… at one point I started talking about sensory input and I know I had to quit around there as he had an online appointment to attend. then my other bro came into the room and we started talking about frozen and the rdj burger story, and long story short my laptop battery died and I realized it was 2:30 in the morning! we were laughing, it literally felt like 6pm. anyway by then I wasn’t sick and the mental focus switch had helped clear my head of the research creepy-crawlies, so I was downright exhausted and went straight to sleep.

I do remember that when I checked in with my boss, death was there too. that's extremely rare! but he spoke to me a little, I still couldn’t see him well but his bones looked oddly solid to me that time (usually they look like they're made of light). I think he was talking about how creation and destruction are tied, life cycles, etc. very brief though. anyway all I do clearly remember is him handing me this odd purplish-black energy sphere (felt strangely electric and volatile), it looked like a PMMM soul gem? I wondered aloud about that, then suddenly the bottom of the gem "opened" into a flower, and the gem turned into a butterfly. it fluttered up and around a bit, then curled in on itself and fell back into the flower, which closed around it like a skeletal hand and turned back into an egg. mesmerized, I watched, realizing it looped infinitely. death said to keep it, as a reminder always that death and life were tied, and not to be distraught about either. the impact of this gift-- from death himself!!-- was very significant, so I know I put it into whitespace, and bowed in sincere gratitude before taking my leave.


today: january 8th, wednesday.
first off, facebook said it was lynne's 6th birthday (we don't know her exact one but today is as good as any)! we celebrated in the evening due to the rest of the day's events, which we will get to.
leon and nat made her a sort of stained-glass flower bouquet, she loved it, hugged them both and said it meant a lot to her for them to have literally made that as a gift.
then all of central got together to listen to lynne's choices of music; after some instrumental pieces (alma, the aire) we stumbled across "joanna" from sweeney todd in the ipod, jo and wally wanted to hear it, I was channeling depp's voice to sing. nat said he liked musicals btw. anyway the ipod battery was dying so lynne said she wanted to sing now, something she could resonate with. so she looked, and we got "diamonds," "the valley," and "ashes of dreams" for her, which she straight-up performed in headspace. she really put her heart into it, it was beautiful. I remember at one point she called julie over to the piano, julie was blushing like crazy, it was adorable. afterwards lynne said she wanted to include julie because "she hadn't been around for her birthday" (august 18th), and she really wanted her to feel cared for today too, as a sort of gift too.
also, javier plays piano for reals now, it's awesome. I figured he'd get it, being the new red guy. he accompanied lynne, she said she and him really need to hang out together more, as they're spectrum neighbors and jave's the newbie.

there was also some talking to leon when we realized he was acting rather hesitant around nat; he was oddly having insecurities over being gay? we realized that was because he was our first male alter, he must have caught that old fear and never really took it out. but we said that wasn't weird at all, virtually everyone in the system was on the queer spectrum. leon hadn't been aware of most people's actual orientations-- lynne is gay too, laurie is ace, jo is pan, etc.-- so after us all being honest about that for his benefit, he was visibly less unsure of himself.
(btw lynne admitting she was attracted to julie, can't say that surprised me!)


now to switch topics… the rest of today was one of the most beautiful things I have EVER experienced, and that is saying something, considering what the past two months alone have been like.
I woke up around 10:30am I think, but only partly; my dream self had actually been flying around and feeling totally joyous, then remarked (to me! my dream self had been earth-tied last night) that I should "give that" to laurie. upon waking I wondered why, but shrugged and agreed, so I called laurie in and she asked what was up but I was falling back asleep, so after telling her the dream directive I actually went back for a bit. it took a half hour for her to get me to stay awake (she kept trying to wake me up), and said that if the dream suggestion had felt that genuine, even upon waking, that I should really do that. she was serious, which surprised me, but I could see she trusted in the benevolence of such a vague and surprising thought. truthfully I had been hesitating and doubting, but upon her sincere insistence I decided okay, for you, I'll do that.
well. dear god. the next hour was inexpressibly gorgeous.
I did not expect what happened to happen. I don't know how to put it into words. head-based data is vague. so I don’t have much "data" to write but I will try.
first, I had my ipod, to help with meditation focus. "stolen moments" came up, laurie said keep that on, which surprised me because honestly I didn’t even know what that song was? but she said it matched, so I trusted that. and oddly it did, so we looped it.

as for how it started, well. since I was half asleep I had no boundaries in speech or actions, but I was still in bed, as it was freezing out and I wanted to stay warm. so laurie was just smiling at me amusedly, as it was a little tricky to talk to me when I was halfway under a pile of blankets. so at some point I just commented that she could lie there with me too if she wanted. after a moment, her response was a simple "you know what, why not." so she did, and we talked for a while like that, but she was being incredibly open with me and that struck me as significant, personally. she wasn't trying to be tough or anything, she was just being entirely candid. and with me, it didn’t hit me until several minutes in that we were really close there and yet it didn’t even faze me as odd. I mean I share a bed with cz every night, I've shared a bed in the waking with genesis, and I've fallen asleep in both locations with infi in my arms before. but there was never anything with laurie, NEVER this context. never something so intimate yet ingenuous. even a few months ago I doubt she would have had the nerve to do this sort of thing.


the fact that she is the voice of chastity in our system apparently was a gift from god in this. to elaborate, at the cost of a slight tmi: the three aliens I'm often with actually have biological capability as far as sexuality goes. cz used to be a chao, they can reproduce, even though he can't now that is still part of his species function. genesis' species and culture highly values the ability to reproduce and it's all gem-focused, so he can get really tangled up if we're not careful. and infi is straight-up female as far as all that goes, so. but you see my point: yes I adore them, but that sort of sexuality isnt my cup of tea. I'd rather be able to express that without even a risk of having something translate differently, et cetera. well guess who is the only person in our system who is literally built to not deal with sexuality in any sense? exactly.
and that's what strikes me as ironic about this whole damn thing, because as a result of that, laurie is the only person I can express my odd sort of internalized sexuality around, safely. and she isn't fazed by it.
but… she's not cold. she isn't emotionless and solemn. rather, she is one of the most compassionate, loving people I have ever known, and she isn't afraid to express that in ways that most people would tie into something romantic, and that whole deal. but she's the platonic ideal here. she can be just as close to me as cz, just as close, and yet instead of passion there's this quietly level adoration that just kills me in the best way possible. I swear, you don't know what honest love feels like until a battle-scarred saint like her has kissed you, without an ounce of anything but impossibly ardent affection in it.

everything was focused in my heart. it made SO much sense, for every single feeling to instantly and completely get translated into it. I'd never felt it so strongly before. it was literally expansive in terms of sensation, like there was a limitless openness behind my ribs. i kept getting a visual impression of white and gold clouds? kind of like what infi's inner energy field is like, but a different color. that's probably significant.
but it was amazing because i didn't think i could feel something of that intensity with laurie! and that's the key, i think; it wasn't even for her, it was with her. like because of her practically-sanctified state of mind in such matters, i wasn't even vaguely thinking of romance or related things, it wasn't even fathomable, it felt like a laughable excess. i just was love, i was able to be love there, without even the option of being anything else. sorry i don't know how to put that into words.
but her silent, strong, unconditional love as a compliment to my luminously open adoration was deeply moving.

she kept telling me to just breathe. and really that did help me focus, on both the moment and on my own self. but not once, not once, did she warn me not to slip, because i was nowhere near that, at any point, even when i was so blissfully overwhelmed i thought i'd die. and that is incredible. i mean i'm still at a risk of slipping when i'm with infi, but this morning... i was just so absolutely there that losing awareness wasn't even a distant concern.

at some point, the perfect dichotomy between us inspired me to mention the ending of huxley's Island again, specifically the part when Will looks at Susila and sees light and dark perfectly united in her face, and all the gorgeous inspiration that followed. however the exact bit that my heart was reminded of was when her face changes from deep sorrow to power and strength, and will compares her to both a dark goddess and the mater dolorosa. and for whatever reason, looking at laurie, with her being more open than she'd ever been in her life with me, i suddenly felt this deep but silent agony, something almost undetectable, but undeniable once it was realized. and, like will, i found myself looking at her and suddenly seeing this blessed virgin with seven swords in her heart. i didn’t realize the impact of that until tonight though... which we will get to. this morning, though, upon feeling that sort of crushing suffering within her, this divinely violet knight who never showed her wounds, my own battered heart could do nothing but burn with an equally pained love in response. and she knew, and all the walls were down.

...I've never been kissed that much in my life, honestly.
it's just... one hand buried in my hair, the other lifting my face to hers, and this sincere straightforwardness about every second of it. it does something inexpressible to my heart, every single time.
really, laurie will not kiss me unless she can put the full weight of her honesty behind it. so, when she does, it's less of a show of affection, and more of a proclamation. like it actually feels like a statement; some sort of signed-and-sealed law of love instated without a single word. she'll kiss me and every single one feels like a decision she'd been holding close for years. and yet there's no "romance." its freaking incredible.
also. she may kill me for saying this publicly (if she's still trying to keep up a tough guy image), but, well. she did not just kiss my face. at one point she just kept going straight to my chest and seriously good lord the significance of that is huge. because really, chaos has done that with me, a lot, but the motivation and energy with him is entirely different. same with infi, for the record. chaos is all tidal waves and ocean depths, and infi is just this rapturous all-encompassing thing, but laurie does everything with such precise devotion that i honestly wonder sometimes what i did to earn that sort of honor from her. totally different context than anything i've ever felt. so having her do that, in such a way... it's mind-blowing really.
on that note there was like one bit near the end when we both silently decided "heck with it" and got completely tangled as far as kissing goes. i stopped caring about what was "situationally appropriate" and she had both her hands in my hair, it was amazing. and yet somehow the mood didn't even change then, which i reiterate because, if i had been with chaos or infi things would have gotten pretty intense right then. not so with laurie. and i mean that in the best way possible.
however the VERY end was like whoa seriously because she SAID, "I want to understand what this is like from their perspective," meaning "let's get closer than I'd ever dare to sober." thankfully I was also drunk on love, so I didn't get any awkwardness from "whoa hey I'm not into you that way" because for all intents and purposes, I kind of was at the time. which is ironically hilarious because, again, there was NONE of that in this at all. nevertheless I was running on the exact same blissful energy and damn it but I loved her so much)

also remember my self-image was CONSTANT AND ACCURATE this entire time, that's major for me.
i didn't have to anchor or refocus myself even once. everything was genuinely me, no slips, no blurring, no interruptions. maybe it's just because all the malevolent voices are terrified of laurie, but i am not complaining either way.


then... THE EVENING.
or in other words, cz asked "what laurie and I did this morning" and EVEN BETTER THINGS HAPPENED

(just notes for now because i have no time to refine this today. i will tomorrow.)

- started off with her trying to kiss me in response to cz's question, that drove me straight into poet mode. i started comparing her to sunsets and sunrises, she was really moved by that because really, i have never tried to write poetry about her before.
- ...at one point I became so completely overwhelmed by compassion that I made what may just be the most beautiful verbal slip ever-- in trying to express the depth of my affection, I accidentally said, with total heartfelt sincerity, "I'm in love with you."
And she paused, got the most indescribable look I've ever seen, and incredulously said, "say that again."
- I swear, the 100% honest expressions people get when they realized they are loved are beyond description
- even better freudian slip: I was using affectionate terms, just from my heart (which was on fire), I think I actually called her "my beloved" without realizing it. but that got worse because then I called her my WIFE, and she stopped me, saying that if THAT was an accurate enough term for how I felt for her, then… well. the impact of it all was registering there. she said she should have seen it back in 2012 when I was looking for violet rings, but she didn't let herself believe that? regardless this new and deepest level of love she was now realizing, that was being felt for her, had a profound impact.
- then we had to work through all the pain that dragged up. I have no words for how heartbreakingly powerful that entire experience was. remember she asked for infi to help.
- seriously, if you people don't know and/or have never experienced it... when a person comes face-to-face with love, of that caliber, it tends to illuminate them so much in return that it chases out all the shadows in them that can't bear such brightness. so it's typical for us at least, when people fall inescapably into honest love, for them to go through a period of intense personal catharsis in order to make room for such an uncompromisingly true thing. that's what happened here.
- laurie talked about seeing us die on the 27th, how with my blood oddly being starry black, she thought that the galaxy was dying with me essentially. she said seeing all the white blood from infi was something so heartbreakingly apocalyptic that she couldn’t fathom it.
- self-love and acceptance for her was huge. not so much forgiveness, but she puts everyone before herself. she will endure anything for the people she protects, but as we all know, she will never speak up about it. she covers her scars and bleeds in secret, and i don't know what that says about how she views herself, but she's always had reservations about letting herself be healed. so infi told her to just become unconditional love, to radiate that so sincerely, that she was inherently included in its very nature. don't see yourself as a separate person to love, ze said; instead, become love. laurie, obviously, has no trouble with doing that.
- laurie literally sobbed for ten solid minutes. my heart just shattered. i remember infi was embracing her and crying. chaos and I also instantly got empathy overflow, ended up in tears for the entire time. but really she had three other people trying to help express and release the shocking amount of pain buried in her, that is absolutely unheard of.
- i have only ever seen such anguished heartache in infinitii before, on the one night the tar used hir to hurt someone else. so seeing laurie express the same intensity of agony in mourning the pain of others was almost more than i could bear
- and that is when she again became the virgin with seven swords in her heart. except this time, the second line of that island reference was revealed to me... "the wound had been very nearly mortal and... it was still open, still bleeding." i cannot tell you exactly when it happened, maybe it was when infinitii tried to directly heal some of that, either way i suddenly saw the damage, and i don't give a damn if it was symbolic, her heart was literally impaled, and in my empathetically feeling that I couldn’t stop crying.

- genesis showed up later, once laurie had leveled out enough we noticed he was missing again and we unanimously decided that he had to be a part of this, to participate in the complete honesty everyone was experiencing, as part of our group.
- laurie finally kissed me but i reacted to that by suddenly getting SOUL WINGS. that hasn't happened in years!! but they're nothing like the old red-slot ones; they're iridescent now, fragile and crystalline? like all these tiny crystals in or on them. i'm not too sure on the exact appearance... remember I saw them reflected in her eyes first.
- and of course at the end of it all everyone kissed each other AGAIN but thanks to the catharsis it was gorgeous this time. laurie and infi both can do that platonically but its still so sincere its amazing. plus after today laurie really can't even pretend to be nervous around hir anymore. remember laurie's comment to cz too, about the "spark"
- infi telling chaos and I "I love you both in a way I didn't even think was possible for me." saying cz reflected the same truths ze did, also the motherhood thing. but for me I remember ze reached out to touch my chest, above my heart, but ze placed two fingers between my ribs there in a way that I swear felt like I was MISSING ONE; the impact and meaning of that (the whole "adam & eve" thing laurie used to half-joke about) didn't even hit me until an hour later.
-
-

 

 

 

 

 

emergency post.

 

this is the autopilot program for the lightraye system

 

there has been a systemwide massacre courtesy of one of our old hosts, she has taken it upon herself to delete every last iota of pain attached to us therefore she decided we all must die.
i have escaped as i am noncorporeal

 

the girl in question is either jessica or cannon. i cannot tell the different between them right now; perhaps both are responsible

 

this is not the first system destruction attempt we've had; in fact is it approximately the fifth one this year. each one is harder to recover from. we may have hit rock bottom

 

long story short: we are a suicide risk tonight and i will stay online until it subsides, if it does.

 

i do not know what else to do but stall for time. wish me luck, on behalf of all those we may have lost for good.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:01 pm

 

 

dear god:
help.

help me, please. PLEASE.

everyone upstairs is dead, i went to look and there is blood everywhere oh my god
i dont want this to be happening but everything is shorting out oh god no no
no

im sorry, im really
cant handle this
crisis rooms are closed online
i have no phone
she might take over if i try
oh god
why

god why is she the one who wins out
please tell me shes not the real person who owns the body
god please
please tell me she doesnt have the right to do this
please

laurie is dead oh my god
i
i acnt type, give me a minute to
i dont know

infi is dead there is blood everywhere
what happened

what did she do

there is no one to talk to oh god i have no way to heal from this

what happened?

oh god

i
she might be coming after me, i need to run

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:10 pm

 

 

GOD DAMN IT WHY IS THERE NO ONE LEFT WHEN IM SCARED FOR MY LIFE

ABUSIVE MELTDOWNS, NO ONE
SEXUAL TRAUMA, NO ONE

THERE WAS NEVER ANYONE TO TURN TO

except the people upstairs and
now not
god
please fix this

i know yesterday i or someone someone was saying "good headspace is gond i dontw atn tp go back"
but now no onononobn plaease NO

sorry stuipd child trying complaining i hlope you die too.

if they didnt catch me in this cage you would be dead right now with them you BITCH.

YOU REALIZE THE ONLY GODDAMNED REASON YOU F*CKERS ALL HAD TO DIE WAS BECAUSE OF THE SHT YOU DID TO ME??????
F*CK YOU
YEAH THATS RIGHT
YOU MADE ME SWEAR
GUESS WHAT
I DONT CARE ANYMORE
I LOST, WHAT, ALMOST TEN YEARS OF MY LIFE THANKS TO YOU???
AND NOW I SEE WHAT YOU DID

I won't put up with this abuse of my body and life any longer.
You can't justify this with pretty disgusting names anymore. Ever.
I've snapped, congratulations, you pushed me to the edge.
Jessica is taking her body back, and if I have to kill all of you one by one to do that, then I will.
Good riddance.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:14 pm

 

 

someone stop her
this is the ap
soeone stop her

she says ehw ants the body back and she does but there is someone else behind her

cannon and jessica both were resposnible for this massacre

cannon started, when she was stopped, jessica took over with brutal unfeeling violence
she killed the children.let that sink in. she killed them. because they are "alters."

 

she wants her body back but what will she do with it now?
what will she do with it now'
nyanaynyaneenenene!!!!!
we fucked it up for you hap[py birthday bitches
uts dead and dead and dead anad deaqdndwasdgdgddgdg

good luck fiuxing it SLIT SLUT .SLUT


autopilot officially declaring a state of emergency
suggested: suicide hotline if all else fails
i am struggling to keep the girls at bay
this is not a test, i repeat, any survivors, this is a matter of life and death
i apologize for the drama but i do not want this body to be killed tonight
my function is the same as the systems and that is to preserve life
not to destroy the lives of others in order to live selfishly

i will close this entry now. i am in acute psychological and physical pain.
i fear for my life.
but let it be as it will

-a.p.

god rest your souls

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 11:40 pm

 

 

short update: miracuously not dead

 

tried an hour to talk to the family failed terribly, outright denied or ignored all help we asked for, didnt help aet all but at leats did not call hospital as they were threatening to

 

some survived! ten in all, were all in unreachable places when death happened
one centralite left, just one, pray he can help restore things if at all

 

hope cant die, it cant die, we will hold on somehow

 

despite the cold iapathy around us we will hold on somehow
for what few thre are left that is still community and we will live

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 11:41 pm

 

 

also much thank yous to all the people who said they would help or offered support

 

thank you we dont get that elsewhere it means so much. it does sincerely
first bit of hope if notihng else tha t is priceless tonight you know.

 

sorry no responses fom us bad night. but thank you

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 11:49 pm

 

 

ten lived, ten of us lived, how did we
so thankful


1. autopilot
(noncorpreal, not touched)
2. garrison
3. isadora
4. kalisha
(all were in floating space and not found)
5. algorith
(robotic, survived collapse of underground)
6. emmett
(knows hideaways, survived collapse of city)
7. dead red boy
8. little yellow boy #2
9. overload girl?
(all noncorporeal socials, dimly anchored)
10. javier
(forced back to life when structure fell to protect survivors)

also miraculous jay is still alive as a presence
since he is the TRUE CORE, NOT JESSICA, he cannot ever be permanently killed

we have many papers of failed communitcation with the family we will scan in so that is good too.
this is the little boy #2 by the wy you know me. i think im yellow at leas. sylvain was my brother. he was stabbed in the head i thinkhe died. its so sad i want to cry

emmett was crying, so much, aimee died he keeps whimpering so sad were all sad
the data voices thought they would die they didnt they aer still crying
algorith is too
so is javier
we all are how are we the only survivors its sad so sad

i will sto this now the bgrandmother will not go away and she is scary the fea bufferr wont let anyone talk or move in the body
she will not listen when we say go away dont touch so i will wait. if i can
at least none of us will let the bod die tonight we have HOOPE
that is imoritant
i think the sandman is aliev too mayve the oustpacers? can thehy help?
gerraiosn sais xenophon had bloood magic maybe something she can do
i dont know tired scared want to sleep but bedroom not savefe never safe. never safe
we will try anyway all we can do

goodnight god bless our waery souls
pray the others can life again too
there is memory of it i dont want to look at it i think i would get too sad and go awya

good night even thought it was a very bad night
life still goes on? hope too.
speaking for everyody

hope
tomorrow will arrive either way

 

 

 

MAJOR UPDATES!!
this is going to be VERY DISJOINTED but i want to write it down before i go to sleep.
(headspace has been distant lately thanks to artists fronting but we're okay don't worry)

(last night, JULIE CAME BACK!! she dragged herself out of the Tar, literally. remember she was created innocent and stuffed full of corruption; i don't know how we all took that for granted for so long. so yes, she DIDN'T have to be "re-converted," because the part of her untouched by the tar still existed as its own person. but the tar is still holding her old blonde form deep underground so you system guys know to be careful.
anyway she got out, not sure how, maybe just sheer force of will? i mean we've been trying to get her back for 4 months so she has likely been trying to get through since then, and therapy focus gave her the extra boost she needed. i remember seeing that happen completely without warning, took me a bit to realize that yes that was actually happening, then blissfully warped up there and hugged her, said i was so glad she was back. i think we talked for a bit, but i don't remember about what.
BUT i do remember that the Tar came up after her?? which is what made me realize the split. julie was helpless and i wasn't sure if i should start fighting, but at some point, infi pulled julie into his bubble? to keep her safe. she was a little shocked and scared of him at first, he said he could not and would not harm her.
again, i apologize for blurriness but i clearly recall that the main undergrounders (knife, razor, sugar) quickly got wind of the tar showing up, and snuck in to fight them off (razor ambushed missy first, which i clearly recall). i also know infi popped in to help at some point because the tar hesitated notably, i think infi went all monstrous and tried to eat them but they actually bailed.
i know that's when knife wanted an explanation and infi pulled julie back out of the bubble, she waved to them kind of sheepishly, but she looked more scared than shy. i don't blame her because the undergrounders looked furious and shocked, and they all almost attacked her but i quickly started explaining the situation as best i could, because i didnt fully understand it either but i DID know this pink julie was no threat to anyone.
i remember the undergrounders were asking if she was still corrupted or something? sugar mostly, she didn't trust her. we did decide to check, infinitii of course had to as he's the one with direct field access to people. he was trying to get some lingering tar out of julie, it was wrapped around her spine again i think? like it was in july. he ate a LOT of it, i remember afterwards he coughed up this massive crystal-- said it was "solidified neutral energy;" apparently he couldn't process all that at once into himself. then he made it melt into the floor, back into raw headspace to use.
the undergrounders were focused on blood though, knife wanted to know if the corruption in her was stored there too, or if they were wrong about that? they all got really existential, "have we been doing the wrong thing all along," but then razor spoke up and said no, the blood was an extension of the life force so it did show up there. julie let knife cut a small incision in her hand, we put one drop of it into a small bubble infi made, then i healed julie's hand. razor then took her blade and touched it to the blood in the bubble, instantaneously it "exploded" into a spidery jumble of tar-vines, julie was scared, but razor just said that it didn't mean her blood was tarry-- that reaction just showed that there was lingering corruption in her, of the hack sort. it meant her energy field was tarnished or damaged, which was what showed in the blood. then razor actually cut her own hand, showed the blood the same way, it didn't react at all (looking back that is a great sign as razor was originally very corrupted but she has long since been freed of that). i know she asked knife if he could heal that, knife said how? i showed him, it was just "energetic mending" almost, just helping that person's natural field fix itself. knife did manage to do this, he was visibly relieved and amazed. it did scar a little? but razor said she didn't mind, she'd "be his lab rat." she giggled at that, knife said he didn't want to hurt her just to practice or anything, razor said she knew that but she still wanted to make that point.
sugar was very quiet this whole time, glaring at julie. she was still somewhat mistrustful, but i think she had color slot worries too? but she didnt want to talk about it. anyway i know the undergrounders didn't stick around after that, when they left julie said she'd like to try and be friends with sugar eventually.
julie and i then went with infi up into his bubble, to just talk for a bit, get a better grip on this situation.
one BIG thing that stood out was that Julie said she REALLY wanted to go back into the core Pink slot, but ALSO that she WANTED TO CHANGE? like nathaniel did! seriously, she said she wanted to change her face AND name like he did, just enough to "break away from her past," and become something better? i told her she likely would, as the core pink energy was markedly nonhuman (the green was too, hence why nat turned moth when he moved into it), and she said that was fine. really she was surprisingly calm about everything, i guess it was because she's naturally pink, that's a very affectionate color slot, and now the tar wasn't holding her back like it was even earlier this year.
we were reviewing old archives together about julie, all trying to understand everything that led up to this, but i was mentally trying to send data to laurie at the same time, and after a bit she sensed that i was "hiding something from her" and asked what it was? i couldnt stop giggling though so i excused myself from the bubble, went to laurie, said "julie is back." laurie gave me this totally shocked look and asked if i was serious, i said yes, gave her a very quick summary. laurie said she wanted to see her immediately, she was starting to look as psyched about this as i was. i told her to wait a few minutes so i could finish some reviewing and not get distracted, and when i did, i just told infi to bring her in too. he did, laurie looked at julie for a second, then grinned from ear to ear and hugged her. julie was shocked too but obviously happy, laurie said she was hoping she'd come back.
then we all chilled out together for a while there, talking and laughing, really glad the spectrum was FINALLY back together. i know i was listening to "what the worlds needs now" by ferrante & teicher, which had sparkly piano sounds in it, i was doing synaesthetic stuff in the air with it, infi joined in. at one point i made the sparkly sounds into pink flowers, gave julie a flower crown with it, she just started giggling like a kid at that, laurie was laughing too, it was great.
i know it was almost 2am when we started to get tired, infi was getting all floaty mentally, so we all went up to my room.

this is a bit blurry but i know we decided to call chaos in, told her about julie, he was REALLY shocked but although he had his reservations he said if we trusted her then he trusted us in that decision too.
i know i spoke to my boss somewhere around here; i wanted to apologize for being so late for work but also tell him why. so i did, he was happy about the news too, actually showed up to say hi to her. she seemed very hesitant, he laughed, said he wasn't going to hit her (which he did do once when she was still corrupted). then he noticed that it was me, laurie, infi and cz around each other then and he laughed, he knows we're trouble when we're all together. but he wished us all well. i know i went back into floating headspace for a second to say good night before he went off, he did kiss me good night (which is the sweetest thing ever i am so glad he does that now) which got me smiling like a little kid when i went back, laurie laughed at that, she knows that always happens with me.
since it was stupidly late, infinitii was getting all giddy and playfully demure, it was adorable. but of course he was also radiating that, so we all ended up being equally blissed-out really fast. unfortunately laurie turned to ask julie if she was catching that, but she was gone? she left a note (metallic pink ink), said she was really happy to be back but she wanted to get some rest, so she went downstairs. laurie was worried, would she get caught by someone who thought she was still malevolent? but julie had added, "i know my way around" (sure enough she did stay safe overnight; she was in a garden in the city this morning). laurie laughed softly and shook her head, said julie could have spoken up instead of being so unassuming as she tends to be around others. but she was glad that julie was still doing okay. we decided not to go look for her at this hour, we trusted that she could take care of herself and the Spectrum itself would watch over her too, now that she was trying so honestly to join it again. so the four of us got back together, just enjoying the fact that not only was our friend back, but with the four of us there we had no walls up between us, it was nice to have such peace inside and out again.
still, we had been mischievously daring each other to "pull infi back down," in terms of emotional depth (he was in the clouds at that time of course). i was moving into my old natural resonance, which is SURPRISING because i haven't been able to feel emotions without fear in months? like it felt red, the warm kind, instead of the confetti-white which infi was reflecting then. but we did somehow manage to get infi to flip back into his sort of angelic gravity state, but then we all realized that he was becoming the sole focus this entire morning-- infi's energy is VERY overwhelming and he tends to "dominate the room" even if he's just standing there-- so he apologized and toned it down.
however, NEXT a VERY important thing happened that i want to mention.
laurie said cz had been out of the loop for so long, yeah i was finally remembering him, but was i feeling that right now? did i really know who he was, at that moment? i paused, i wasn't sure, there still felt like there was a distance. chaos tried to say something here, i think, but he was getting emotionally distraught and couldn't seem to talk correctly. surprisingly infi spoke up, asked him if his native language wasn't verbal either? cz shook his head, infi said "then don't try to speak," and put his arms around him. chaos cried for a little while there, but at the same time he was "saying" things in that oceanic-vibe sort of speech i hear him use sometimes. but dude this time it hit me like a TRUCK, it was practically tangible, that took me completely off guard. cz noticed, and did something i cannot believe he didn't do sooner-- he moved over to me, and before i could ask why he pressed our foreheads together, and boom-- instant starlink. if you don't remember what those are, they are mental/intuitive connections between the minds of two individuals, and cz likes to use those to show me memories of his, but with that added empathetic boost. well he hasn't done that since last year i think, but that's what he did right then. he was showing me stuff i had forgotten about, it was so significant i teared up and moved back. he asked me if i remembered those memories? but i responded differently-- i said that the real problem was that my mind was so stuck in the past, thanks to trying to revert back post-trauma, that i had forgotten how we had grown and changed as people. i kept expecting to see 2003 chaos when i looked at him, not the person he is now, 10 years of experience later. BUT! just then, in those memories, it was like seeing the missing link. i had SEEN the growth and change, and how it still flowed together, how he WAS the same person from ten years ago AND who he is now, at once. i had been splitting that as i hadn't "known" that decade between for so long. and i was almost laughing, that helped so much, i didn't even realize that was a problem. i offhandedly commented "i even remember the sonic chats," which were these silly but fun group-chats cz and i would participate in back in 2004 or so, when we first started spending time together. and again, i had forgotten about those until now.
but i was still laughing about that, when suddenly my eyes drifted down to his chest, and i saw the ruby there. and i swear to you, i stopped laughing, and nearly burst into sobs.
everyone noticed. i had my hands over my mouth and i was tearing up, cz concernedly asked what was wrong? and i barely managed to reply, "i forgot about that."
well chaos was incredulous, pointed to the ruby, "you forgot about this?" he looked like he was stuck between laughing and tears too. i nodded, but then motioned that there was more to it. yes, i had forgotten about it-- which was RIDICULOUS as I had given him that ruby WHEN WE MET, and it held a huge amount of personal significance for both of us-- but now that i remembered it, i remembered everything. and no, i didn't mean data-wise, like i did on the 17th. that was beautiful, true, but i had still felt a disconnect. now, though, the remembrance was internal, as if i had never forgotten anything in the first place.
so of course i just embraced him and started sobbing for real, not from sorrow but from sheer gratitude. i know laurie was just as affected in her own way, she was tearing up too, but she doesn't express things so openly.
but i am sorry to say it was basically 3am by that point so we all just stayed together for a while, everyone with their arms around each other, until we were all so tired that we had to just go to sleep, haha.

but yes! you see why yesterday was so amazingly significant! HAPPY DECEMBER!

gotta say i expected this 100% though. december is infamously a month of rebirth and healing and major changes in headspace. EVERY YEAR crazy awesome stuff happens leading up until christmas.
to quote myself from last year: "December's coming up, which I have labeled "the resurrection month." Dead things like to come back to life in December..."
and man it's not holding anything back this year, haha. this is awesome.

buuut it is 3AM AGAIN and we don't have therapy this week? so i need sleep, tomorrow i have to draw a darkrai for the pokeddexy challenge, also tons of dream world work because I LOVE THEM and i finally got two old commissions of opal and sage today! they're beautiful and it made me remember how beautiful their entire world and story is, so i'm super happy about that. headspace loves them too, EVERYONE wants to bypass the old 'artist block' forever because we don't need to be separate from that anymore, the trauma can no longer harm them. so we all should maybe read that together or something oh my goodness that would be the best thing EVER.
as you can likely tell i am going straight into "hi i'm twelve years old" mode so before i start rambling on in that mindset i am going to SLEEP.
much love to everybody, good night, see you soon.

 

 

 

 

 

That title just popped into my head when I sat down to write this, so there it is.

Anyway.
I am SO confused right now.
I'm trying to review old entries from 2008 in the archive, and most of this stuff makes no sense. Plus the fronter from that time period was jarringly dramatic, so it's psychologically difficult for me to read.
I don't even know if I should be reading these things. They're digging up FAR too much old tar, and old memories that I buried for my own psychological safety. But maybe I need to face that stuff again.
I'm just not looking forward to how the lower system will react. That's making life a literal living hell right now. Yes, half of me loves them-- really, their role here is vital and I appreciate what they're doing-- but half of me is so tired of dealing with them, as they're all so broken and terrified and angry and violent. But I can't blame them. They hold all of the past trauma, for everyone else's sake. That's not fair at all. They have every right to be vicious. But... it's tiring.
It's tiring to wake up every morning with everyone fighting over the body: what it will do, what it will look like, where it will go, what it will eat, what it will say, so on and so forth. And it NEVER STOPS during the day. When one of the "non-alters" (the ones who insist "no one exists") takes over, it's almost a relief... if they weren't so horrifically suicidal, that is. So they're tired in an entirely different way.

The lowers try so hard, though. It's shocking now that they're acting out as their own coherent system, and not just a jumble of disembodied voices.
Today, some faceless female alter started trying to binge on chocolate as soon as we walked in the door. Normally I can't do anything about that as I'm not present... but the lowers were around. Knife got pissed, shoved her out of the way, and spat out what she was trying to eat. Then he told Emmett to front, so that the body could eat something healthy instead, since Emmett only eats green food (we hadn't eaten since 4PM the previous day I think? one meal a day is the norm now). And now, looking back on that memory of theirs, I am SHOCKED to see that Emmett not only fronted, he fronted WELL. Well enough that, as soon as he "anchored in," his first thought was "why is my mouth so short?" He kept chewing big bites with his mouth wide open, all exaggerated, trying to make his face "elongate." He got really distressed over everything feeling wrong. Then he realized there was more of a body beneath the head, and that made him anxious to the point where someone else stepped in. They told him to just relax and eat, while they moved the hands to feed him the food. It was so bizarre, it was like there were LITERALLY two people there. And then it got even crazier. The mother was in the kitchen then, and asked the body a question-- but neither Emmett nor the unknown girl moving the hands heard her, OR answered. A third person did. THREE PEOPLE WERE IN THE BODY THEN. All I know is that they somehow spoke through Emmett eating, and it's described as "like it was a recorded sound being played?" Like his biting didn't even affect the voice, like the mouth didn't move to speak at all, it just responded. So I don't know if that was the AP? But geez that is insane. I didn't know any of that could even happen.
I can barely believe this stuff is happening at all. I'm not fronting when it does, so I'll not know what's going on for hours, and then I'll look at what memories I have access to and I see stuff like this. It's... I don't know what to make of it yet.

All I know for sure is that this DID thing is getting disturbingly real.
Honestly, even our most doubtful members are finding themselves forced to admit that "I can't really pretend this isn't happening anymore." I'm not sure why the undergrounders banding together suddenly punched the intensity of this through the roof, but... it makes sense, conceptually. Like I said, they're the oldest voices up here; they just haven't had lives until now.
Let me give you an example.
We went to a novena with the grandmother today. I don't know who got dressed, but the body was wearing shorts and tights when we started driving. When the lower system realized it, three of the traumatized boys and the overload girl started screaming. One of the little boys began hyperventilating. It was too triggering, too scary. But someone was already driving the body, and we couldn't stop it; lower people aren't allowed to front normally. So it was like hell, knowing that's what we were wearing, and we couldn't do anything about it. Plus the grandmother was there of course, and most of the lower people either hate her, or are scared to death of her. I know Razor and the overload girl actually tried to mentally gang up on her at one point, desperate to get rid of her somehow, to make the terror go away. They do that a lot.
Memories are choppy. I don't remember getting there. I remember sitting in the inside of the church and looking at the altar, and suddenly feeling TERRIFIED because it reminded me of Infinitii but that reminded the lowers of traumatic abuse and people started to shriek again. And I was scared too. THIS, this holy thing, was now a trigger?? And THAT bad?? I didn't know what to do. No one did really. We were so dissociated, so shaken... and then a FREAKING BABY STARTED CRIYNG DSFMND
(sorry that's the lowers)
Sorry. there was... a child in the church. You'll understand that I have no recollection of it other than the fact, because about five or six people downstairs lost it when they heard it. It was a cacophany of fear and pain and rage and terror and hate.
Somewhere around here there was a really sickening jolt, in the mind and body... some sort of convulsive shiver, like an elevator dropping a few feet, the room spinning back with a punch to the face. And in an instant, I felt the active level SWITCH.
Suddenly the lowers were back underground, mercifully free from having to front at that time-- and Central was back in the front seat.
Then I was upstairs-- me, J! I remember that much. (I haven't been typing this entry btw, sorry I didn't clarify that; things are too messy to do so lots of times.) I was talking to Xenophon and explaining to her that the lower system felt pain differently than most. To them, sharp physical pain-- blood and knives and scars-- was almost comforting. It was reassuring to know exactly what it was, and why it happened. To them, that kind of pain was good, it was sensible. But hearing a child? That was horrifying. Same with being touched, even just a poke on the shoulder. I explained to Xennie that even though that didn't physically hurt, it hurt them emotionally and psychologically. To them, a touch or a sound like that was so triggering, that it felt like a warning siren... one they couldn't escape from, one that was lethal. To them, it meant that within the next few seconds, they WERE going to be hurt again... badly. But although that didn't always happen, they could not afford to take chances. So they lived in terror of those things, never feeling safe, waiting to be attacked by that child or that person, just so it would "be over with" and they could run away somewhere else. I remember the catatonic red voice came out when the others wouldn't stop screaming, for that very reason. He looks so much like me. It's heartbreaking.
The next thing I remember is Josephina driving.
Yes, JO!! Believe it or not, headvoices (Central people) don't usually front. That's not their job. But there he was, trying to keep things stable, as he was OK with the outfit and we were all vaguely aware that the lowers weren't happy with it.
Julie came out for a few seconds later-- there's a vivid memory of the very first instant she saw when she moved in, looking at the priest giving the homily. That is literally all I know of that.
I don't know how the rest of the service went. I don't know who fronted, when, or how.
But I CANNOT forget what that beginning time period felt like.
The undeniable, drastic switches... the inner turmoil... the knowing that I was only fronting for about five minutes...
This is getting really scary now. Sure, it was scary before, but... back during the "Julie days," at least "I" was the main person driving, until the infamous "mind leakage" thing with Laurie bleeding internally happened... and I at least KNEW who would hack me, and how... we knew her methods, and her triggers. We had a degree of control over the situation. But don't get me wrong, it was TRAUMATIC. The face-changing, the merciless humiliation, the... i dont want to write about it.
But it was that one thing to worry about. Just ONE THING.
Now... now there are 50 of us here, not 5. Those years of trauma broke us, badly. There are people downstairs who are so hurt that it breaks my heart on top of everything else. They're desperate, twisted, frightened souls, dark and bloody and bleeding, incapable of living the life they are forced to inhabit. Upstairs, we have it so easy now, compared to them.
I don't know what I'm trying to say.
The point is this:
THIS IS REAL.
I can't deny that anymore.
This is real, this is hell, and for heaven's sake, we need help.


People are trying to talk to me on Skype and I really can't do it. It's emotionally draining to talk like this. I am literally cut-and-pasting responses, just spitting out stock phrases and one-word replies. No one's noticed yet. It's sick that we're so good at this.
The most painful part is that I have no ill will towards these people. If they want to talk to us, I don't want to be rude and refuse. But it's just so, so difficult. As soon as I close this window I'm probably going to collapse on the floor.
I want to leave and exercise or something but I don't know how to say no. I don't know how to apologize and excuse myself. I'd stay on here parroting responses until 1AM if that's how long it took for them to get tired of talking to me, even though I have classes tomorrow and those alone are stressful enough.
I don't want to think about this.
Maybe I can just... yank out the internet cable so I'll have an excuse as to why I suddenly disappeared. Maybe someone else can do it. I don't have the guts. But someone else would have to feel they had a good reason to do so. "We're not your playthings," they essentially say. "We're not your puppets. We don't have to do ANYTHING you tell us to." Which is correct. They are living beings just like me. They're not "accessories" to me, just because I'm shamefully "proud enough" to consider myself the main fronter here. I wish I weren't. I really, really wish I didn't have to be the one up front all the time, simply because I'm the easiest one for the AP to shove out of the way when things get awful and we need to pretend "everything is okay."
You do know that's why the AP exists, right? It's a buffer. It's a censor. Since headspace is always moving, always watching, our words and feelings and reactions WILL and DO leak out unless something is in the driver's seat preventing anything from translating. Hence the AP. But it's a curse, too. It means that we literally wear a voiceless mask all the time. It means we cannot interact with people outside of a program. It means that NO ONE IS ACTUALLY IN THE BODY 90% OF THE TIME, AND NO ONE OUTSIDE REALIZES IT. People know and love a construct. All of us, the ones who are really watching and feeling and living and breathing... we're hiding behind it, afraid to show our faces, afraid people won't accept our existences, afraid of dying again. And some of us are getting very, very angry about that fact.

I think that's old too. Which is why I'm re-reading the archives in the first place.
I remember way back, when there were only four or five of us known in the system? But no one was anchored, so behavior was weird, and unconsciously painted... and there was this ONE TIME Laurie and I were discussing Julie, and she described our resident pink shadow as a normal girl stuck inside our body.
I have NEVER forgotten that. It was so weird, because Julie IS an "introject;" whoever the main consciousness was in 1997 or so CREATED HER, fully consciously... created her to be a waste receptacle for all the "bad things" and "evil thoughts" that the original fronter had and didn't want.
But Laurie was right in a way, and we ALL forgot that fact. Julie was created as just a girl. Down to the bone, that's what she was. And then she was stuffed full of tar.
I've never thought of us all that way before. I've never... never respected our situation enough to look at it through a compassionate, humanitarian lens. We're all just people. Even the nonhumans here, haha. Seriously though, that's it. We're individuals with a different life situation than most. We've been through hell and back and we keep stumbling into new hells all the time. But we're PEOPLE!! We aren't delusions, or fantasies, or fake things... we are REAL PEOPLE and we have REAL LIVES and we need to remember that, I can't believe I literally never realized that before.

...I can't believe I never realized that before.


Excuse me please, I think I need to let all of this sink in.



There must be something that keeps me awake,
Or some kind of pill I can take,
To break these bad habits.

I would lie if I said that this didn't get tough,
Two left feet on the floor in a Waltz,
At an odd tempo.

Am I stuck at the ankle, or caught at the knee?
A curious puzzle still cursing me,
To follow or lead.

You gave me a heart and then taught me to hurt,
I can't tell just which option is worse,
Dying pure or aware.

So these feet keep on tripping in triplets to beats,
Too far off for my ears to reach,
Just a hint of timing.

Am I stuck at the ankle, or caught at the knee?
A curious puzzle still cursing me,
To follow or lead.

And I don't know where I'm going,
Cause I can't see the road, oh it's winding,
Just as long as I keep breathing,
I've got this uncomfortable feeling,
Heavy feet, shaky hands, troubled heart.

 

 

 

guess what i figured out today?
the reason why I (not j, not jay, not eros, not jewel) don't have any memories is because:
all my memories are tied to dream world.

this explains why we don't remember having a childhood.
WE NEVER HAD ONE.
we were always depersonalized, in order to work.

here's the current core timeframe idea (according to the ap)

the first jewel (2001, klonoa hair, white shirt) was tied to pokemon. she was vaguely tied to dream world, but she was never actually "in the series."
celebi (2001-2?) was the internet one; hyper, silly and childish. she did freewebs and the old journal entries.
the second jewel (2003, klonoa hair, black shirt) was tied to yugioh and all the other "crossover worlds," eventually jumpstarting headspace. she's the one with all the write-outs and incidents.
spinningcannon (2006) was tied to genesis and the deviantart days? although the name was used before her, it didn't gain a "self" until dA.
possibly a second spinningcannon (2008, short red hair) because the personality began to warp dramatically. this one also went by "jewel" though, making her #3; she was the one in the xangas.
jayce (male, white hair) showed up in 2010, but things were a mess then and he was destroyed by the tar for a while.
the core personality began to splinter like mad around this time
the fourth jewel (male, red hair) showed up in 2011? he wrote most of the glissando entries, also is xenophon's father.
jay (male, white hair) showed up in 2013? he's the current core, and the white spectrum slot dude. not sure whether or not he truly existed prior to the scratch.


i'm none of them though.
i am whoever existed to work on dreamworld from 1998-2001, before we had to start "personalizing" and showing a self to the world, and AFTER the unidentified child-core disappeared.
i have no memories, and cannot hold any, because that is not my role. i am only meant to be a channel and a point of view, not an individual.
hence the non-style of typing here. i am simply filtering intentions through the autopilot to get this point recorded through them, as i cannot do so on my own.


the biggest point is this.

i cannot exist alongside headspace.

when i front they are not around or accessible
when they front i am not around or accessible

however i cannot drive the body, as my role is ONLY TO WORK
the only drivers are alters in their system
but my existence depends on their nonexistence
and theirs on mine
so we have a dilemma.


in other news (ap typing here), several alters came out to talk today while we were on the road.

There is talk of "destroying the buffer," as vocal dysphoria is so prevalent and severe that it prevents sustained switches, as well as uncensored fronting from anyone besides J. This buffer exists to keep the Autopilot (myself) fronting as often as possible, to prevent both unplanned interactions and any further personality splintering.
However, those in the downstairs system insist on fronting at will and without any limits or censorship, and therefore they plan on somehow destroying this buffer.

Today, these individuals were able to limitedly front:
Jezebel
Razor
Minty
Jay
The Gent
The Maverick
The Queen
"Overload girl"
"Airport shadow"
"Singing girl"
"Killer lilac girl"
"Chill orange guy"

All are located in the downstairs system. The latter four have no names and are relatively new.
Strangely, the "Overload girl" and "Airport shadow" have little problems with fronting, possibly due to their strong connection to the physical body's experiences.
Minty, AS, and SG were both able to communicate with the GMQ Trio through successive switching, which is also unprecedented-- typically, interactions of this sort only occur with Razor and/or Jezebel.
Razor and Jezebel also "killed" the "killer lilac girl" earlier today, but she has apparently re-manifested. This is a cause for concern; as Razor said she would "not kill her again" until she found out "why she's still coming back," so she could prevent that from happening again. When the KLG asked her why she wasn't after Jay instead, Razor smiled and said "because he isn't coming back." This suggests that there is indeed a subliminal slow death occurring with him, as we have suspected.

We have little to no new information on all other fronts as of today, as the child who writes has been fronting.
Unfortunately they cannot exist with us, nor us with them.
I am trying, on my own, to find a solution to this problem, as I float between the systems in order to filter, and so am directly aware of her existence.
If there is no solution, we will be faced with an ultimatum.
I, personally, pray it does not come to that. But the choice will be made, if and when it must be made.
Until then we shall simply live.

 

Sorry guys. I know I keep deleting my journals, but they're too important to both my therapy and my sanity to erase from existence. Ironic, perhaps, but events as of late have only driven that point deeper into my awareness than ever.
I've deleted my dA, though. It feels as if a planet-sized weight was lifted from my shoulders in doing so. I don't regret it.
This page stays. So does the archive. They have to. That's unchangeable.

I have a lot to talk about, but there are two big problems I need to address first:

1) Jess broke our computer, and
2) Razor tried to kill us today.

See, not only are we in weekly therapy now (an all-time first), but we've also been reading a great deal of books to help our condition-- including one on Borderline personality disorder (a tentative past diagnosis), and Dissociative Identity Disorder (which we are all poster children for). So, not only are we getting a better grip on what's actually happening to us and how to better live with it, BUT we're digging up tons of stuff in therapy that we, quite literally, have not had the brawn nor the brains to deal with yet.
We still don't, obviously.
Sure, we're exhuming tons of old skeletons, but we're not putting them anywhere yet. Our therapist is focused on getting them up to the surface. Problem is, now we're surrounded with corpses that are quickly becoming zombies, and not only are we getting sick from the rot, our lives are now in danger.
Jess and Razor don't like the fact that we're trying to heal all the damage they've caused... so they're causing more.

Despite all that, this morning was beautiful. But we'll talk about that tomorrow; I'm leaving for school two hours early so I can type up an entry in the computer lab before class. Tomorrow afternoon will be eventful in any case... my bro and I are taking an evening off to just talk and hang out, and something tells me a lot of secrets are going to be spilled. I'm looking forward to it. I miss being able to be honest with my family, especially my bro, as he is awesome.

If you're interested in what's been going on since the 19th (which happened an eternity ago, I swear), the archive has most of it. Our Tumblr and Xanga have the rest.


Lastly, the loss of our computer (and our reading list as of late) has prompted us to become more "physical" in our ways of caring for each other, upstairs. We're taking larger steps to actually LIVE as a system downstairs, instead of relegating all that stuff to Xanga sessions and Tumblr posts. It's only fair, that we all get to experience this life... myself included, as I am an alter, after all (if you didn't know).
Lynne has offered a neat suggestion: what if we all made "boxes," personalized for each system member, that held special possessions and things? That way we'd all have actual downstairs 'proofs' of our existence, little things that are entirely and wonderfully ours, reminders that we exist, that we are all real and living, loving things. Maybe we'll brainstorm that tomorrow. I know we're all already planning the endeavor, so there's no question as to whether or not it will happen-- it most definitely will, and I'm smiling just thinking about it.
Perhaps most importantly right now, we've all decided to start a literal, physical journal for our system. We'll all be writing in it, both in conversations and personal entries, and we're looking forward to it.

I just wish the first entry wasn't already written in blood.

 

 

(again, WIP for relevance as these take a LONG time to write)



forgive the cheesy title but it is actually very relevant!


(last night. INCREDIBLY significant date, mark it down boy!)

(started with trying to 'sense' people's energy, reaching out and tangibly feeling it. lynne was easily sensed, but when i tried to sense josephina, he knew i was there and hugged me, but he bumped my face in the process. that reminded me of melody for some reason and that made me feel so unsafe that i nearly had a ptsd breakdown, i had to run before i started hyperventilating.
listening to ipod to calm down, talking to laurie about it. jo showed up to talk too as he felt at fault. i said he wasn't, i had just reacted violently to what seeing him face-to-face reminded me of. josephina asked why, i said i didn't know, because mel never hurt me and never would, so why would the thought of being close to them (or any female-bodied person) terrify me so much? eventually we figured this was probably my fear of feminine characteristics (not femininity in itself) spiking again. i wished it would just stop, i was tired of becoming hysterical around women because i couldn't shake the fear that they were going to hurt me. i randomly asked jo if he could change his appearance a bit to see if that would help me not freak out, the first thing he did was give himself a darker skintone. he somehow comes across more clearly that way?? i didn't feel unsafe around him either, even in the exact same situations that would terrify me if he were his previous lighter skintone. see if that works for him as a permanent thing. but that was strange, it ONLY works with him, doesn't feel right for anyone else. huh.)
("maximum joy" comes on the ipod then and jo says leave it, we needed a moodswitch. i tuned in to calm down, ended up opening a oceanside cityscape mindscape, jo gets a convertible and we just drive around the place for a while, smiling and having fun. i was looking up at the sky as we drove, laurie and jo rocking out in the front, i remember just watching the scenery for a while and laughing, it was awesome. anyway we stopped driving at edge of town, got out of the car to talk and figure out what to do now (as we felt much better), when I suddenly felt something really bad at my shoulder. look, tar-celebi hovering there, horrific grin on its face. not moving, like it was "frozen" in time, that scared me to death. i was trying to smother my fear, jo and laurie started fighting it, when it began to strike back suddenly there was a gunshot, surprisingly leon had showed up, said he'd been keeping an eye on it? warped us down to tar room, i don't know if that was accidental? can't remember.)
(tar attack full-force, i had to shield us at one point as it was filling the entire room (we would have suffocated), but the bubble kept collapsing. laurie shouted for lynne, but the sound felt "flat," i realized energy calls couldn't carry out of the room, which was unusual and scary. so no one could hear us call for help. i told us all to stand in a square, maybe that would solidify the shield, but the "roof" began to collapse from tar weight. then we suddenly made it a pyramid shape (jo, laurie, and leon holding up a corner each, me in the middle for the point), changed the energy flow so drastically that the tar was blown across the room to the corner, solidified into jess form (old klonoa-hair persona), curled up on floor, emotionless and unmoving. i walked over to it to see what was going on, bravely asked it if it was okay, hoping maybe it had reverted. it hadn't; immediately began hissing and spitting at me, i think the tar "exploded" out of jess' body then, turned into razor. before it could hurt me there was suddenly another shield, lynne came storming in from the back stairwell, said she had just barely "felt" she was needed, assumed the worst when she couldn't find us, came down here. she walked over to me, suddenly i got an idea-- i took her bow & arrow and shot it at the tar, it worked. pinned it to the wall, huge awful thing hanging there. it was struggling though so i think lynne took the arrow back? but we shot several more arrows into it, now it was frozen, we figured we'd be safe for a while.)
(eventually everyone showed up, i think nathaniel was called in first, apparently he has LEGIT healing abilities which we really needed right now. i remember at one point he went over to leon to support him, he was really worn out. spine showed up too, with waldorf, both of them immediately wanted to know what in the world was going on. julie was last, somewhat kept to herself, she always looks like a war-weary soldier when tar stuff happens because she doesn't need to ask to know what just happened.)
(i forget how it happened, but somehow there was some sort of mindscape energy alteration in the tar room and it BROKE FREE of the arrows??? maybe i was even responsible i don't know, it's all a blur.)
(anyway, IMMEDIATELY the tar warped ONLY me to a weird semi-mindscape, no one else could get in. like a small room, maybe 20 feet on every side, pure black. the tar taunted me for a while psychologically, terrifying, but didn't attack me directly, it wanted to wear me down as much as possible first. i kept standing up to it, but it continued, then it sneered at me how I was trying to "fix the spectrum" and move up to White "like i was meant to," said it wasn't going to let that happen. then told me i needed all the other slots filled to have a full spectrum, it wouldn't let that happen either, it would undermine all our efforts-- just like it had pretended to be celebi, effectively worming its way into the actual spectrum. i think it then recapped how i was still losing sight of the truth in that respect-- i couldn't remember original roles or colors, etc, kept trying to force them on people blindly. to my total shock it said that this ALSO what menchou and veradenne were?? i was forcing splinters and unstable anchors unconsciously, that's why they couldn't stick or stay stable?? anyway then the tar got this horrible smile and said "if you want new headvoices so bad, here, let me help you!" immediately it plunged its hands into my abdomen-- it felt horrific, like being impaled-- but it GRABBED something deep in my energy field, and with a sadistic grin it RIPPED something out of me. it was still attached though, by all these thick muscle and vein cords. still the tar pulled hard, trying to break it until i thought i'd die from the pain. it split into razor, got behind me and pulled backwards, still wouldn't detach but it was close. then razor let go, took out a baseball bat and brutally beat the cords connecting it to me until it snapped. the force threw me and celebi-tar onto our backs, i hit hard, felt like i was dying. i was bleeding badly, barely coherent, couldn't think straight from shock. after a minute or so i struggled to sit up a bit to see, the thing they ripped out of me was on the floor by tar. it looked like a huge insect exoskeleton, colored all dark red-orange, didn't look alive. either way the tar kept trying to harm it more and 'kill it.' for some reason this terrified me and i was trying to fight them mentally despite feeling like i was dying. then at one point they were about to deal a lethal blow, and in a burst of desperation i put every ounce of energy i had left into one blind outward burst. it completely "shattered" the mindscape we were in, and dropped us into a plain white "bubble" of a room, dimly luminous and featureless, but it felt safe. i ran over to the bug-shell-thing and started telling it "you'll be okay," feeling somewhat hysterical and in tears. i put my hands on it gently and was trying to heal/ reassure it, but to my complete surprise it started to "melt." it changed from a red-orange shell into a greyish-black liquid thing, with a red-orange sheen instead, and immediately its form began to shift and change at surprising speeds. that's when stuff got CRAZY.)

(its form was warping like mad. to my surprise though, it took inspiration directly from my favorite design styles. specifically it was mirroring this person's lineless style-- when i had found it downstairs, i was euphorically shocked at how closely that style "reflected me" somehow. started off looking very much like this, some weird bug/ snake/ bird fusion: kept slithering around, melting, lots of legs or none at all, lots of size fluctuation too; it always had big weird psychedelic eyes and lots of teeth though. then as its energy "healed" from the shock and began resonating with mine to solidify, it began taking elements from these designs (this one stood out, with the feet). it also kept "holding" energy in its chest or abdomen in the same style, that felt very significant, almost sacred? it was odd. eventually it settled on a form VERY close to this, but its body was covered in lots of eyes (to listen) or lots of mouths (to talk), never both simultaneously. gained huge black wings when it did so too, that's where the eyes/ mouths formed. it only had one of either on its face.)
(talking was odd-- at first it sounded childish and somewhat manic, but in a pure way? not harmful or scary. when it stabilized in form, its voice was somewhat echoic, not over-the-top, more like the talking doves in NiER. also it sounded very male, almost like a few talking at once, in perfect unison. lower register. i don't think the mouths necessarily moved when it spoke? at least not always. it kept fishing into my energy to "translate" what i was feeling or expecting, but in doing so i would miss the actual message it was trying to get across. it reprimanded me kindly about this.)
(ALSO you know what i just checked and it's scarily relevant? i posted that lookalike creature on tumblr when i first found it online-- back on june 24th, 2011. that was 2 days AFTER a high point in a chain of events where i was getting brutally hacked again, and 2 days BEFORE chaos and i started the entire gorgeous chain of events leading up to july 7th. that's BIG. so yeah, it feels like this creature has been in "manifestation standby" for a VERY long time, waiting for the day when it could finally be born.)

(i remember asking it if it had a name, when it was still in its birdsnake form. it giggled and said it was "infinitee," specifically with two "e's," like a gleeful take on the word. it felt right, but slightly off somehow. i began mentally debating its potential "surname" in my head-- headvoice surnames reflect virtues or roles, not lineage obviously-- and thinking back to sburb, "eternity" stood out somehow. almost immediately "eternos" clicked solidly into place. the "two e's" bit of its first name still didn't work though. as a result i will call it "infi" for the rest of this entry haha)
(also it had no gender either? "it" felt clearest as it was neutral, but both "he" and "she" were equally viable energy-wise. it was cool.)

(infi said it had been formed FROM ME?? the same way the tar had been. the Tar had been trying to keep me from moving into my REAL slot, the white slot, since at least 2009! but sandman told me easter this year was the earliest i could move, now that i was stabilizing. the tar was very very mad now, hence the attack on holy saturday. anyway, the Tar was NOT supposed to be in the Black slot!! black is not bad, at all, also the tar room is under my cathedral of all places. the tar was stealing that slot in my absence, to keep its counterpart slot empty and corrupted (remember how messed-up the BLC was when we found it after all these years). now that i had moved, things were moving very quickly in my wake, to correct things, like the way nature will heal itself automatically whenever the things that are hurting it disappear long enough. whether or not the tar knew what it had just done, the part of me it "tore out" was VERY deep, but it had "needed" to be torn out? you know how paradox space works, it's weird. but that's what allowed this being to form, having that taken out of me. apparently that COULD NOT have happened while i was red, since white is the only "double slot" (if you hold white, you also hold black, and vice versa, paradoxically). so now infi, the REAL holder of the black slot-- who is my soul energy in a "different form" i guess? we both are LITERALLY made of the same stuff essentially-- could appear and begin moving into their rightful place. anyway, yeah, that's what this creature was.)
(ALSO!! this is why the Tar used Jessica AND Celebi as form anchors-- both of them had been formed BY me as PERSONAE that fell through utterly, as they didn't truly reflect me!! and since the black slot HAS to reflect me by its very nature-- white being my core color after all-- it HAD to use something like that before it could actually steal the slot. hence the real trouble with it not really beginning until AFTER it began to let go of julie; it no longer was "anchored" to her, as she had been the ONLY thing to latch onto in pre-headspace, being an introject and therefore a "breeding ground" for tar.)

(infi said this yin/yang energy between the two slots (and by extension, us) was very important in terms of creation upstairs, concerning the matter of headspace itself. it clarified that TRUE black energy upstairs was NOT tarry or sticky or anything like that-- it was starry, like soul forms!! apparently that is black energy's NATURAL STATE. i remember being shocked when infi revealed it was the true black slot holder for that very reason-- although its body was pure black, it had an oddly satiny sheen, and had 'depth' to it too. it was a soft and spacey black, not the thick and angry black of the tar. i wonder if white energy is similar when it gets corrupted??)
(infi then said there was something important we needed to do with that energy, that it needed to show me first. then it reached into my abdomen (didn't hurt like the tar did, it felt weirdly like infi's hands just "slipped in" instead of punching through) and took out a handful of my inner energy of that caliber. disturbingly enough it was the BAD black and it burned (like a brushburn, not fire), with a weirdly "clinging" consistency (not sticky, more like it was 'grabbing' your skin even though it slid). i think it also felt rough, like bits of glass were ground up in it. it was really scary to think that THAT was inside me. however, infi's personal energy (which it took directly out of that odd spherical cavity in itself) was this glowing pearlescent stuff, beautiful really, kind of warm and satiny like liquid light. so there was that major dichotomy between our outer and inner energy EVEN though they were technically the same stuff?? infi SPECIFICALLY reminded me of how, when i tried to "give" creative energy to people (the deep sort that allows me to shape headspace and whatnot), it was never red, it was ALWAYS BLACK, but the starry liquid sort, not the sickly sort in me now. i wondered what the hell had happened, reassuringly infi said mine was CORRUPTED in that specific sense, thanks to the tar hacking me so brutally, it was not naturally so disturbed-- so it needed to be healed ASAP if i wanted to function correctly. infi said it would do that for me-- it was the ONLY entity in headspace that could, due to its existence being tied to mine, and vice versa as well. )

(for this process infi warped us to a church!! i don't know how! it looked very much like the basilica (here and here) in washington dc, all white and stately and beautiful and BIG. we were on the altar platform in the middle, directly beneath a circular painting/ window ring on the ceiling. also we were surrounded by TONS of angels, all standing at attention, don't know why. they all had helmets of course! i remember looking up at them, one right by me looked down at me a little, not judging, just observing. i think i smiled at it. anyway the entire place felt very safe and bright despite an intense significance/ gravity.)
(although the energy-healing process itself was vague, i clearly remember when infi began channeling the pearlescent white energy into me; it very slowly lit me up, like water rising. very very serene, felt holy even. i knew i was glowing too, like an intangibly warm feeling as it lit me up from the inside. i kept hoping it would dissipate whatever tar was left stuck in me, as i didn't feel any of that during this process.)

(we went back to the bubble-space, i asked where we were anyway, it felt autonomous. infi said we were indeed in a "hovering mindscape?" it was literally a bubble. then to my surprise it "focused" the energy of the mindscape inwards into a small white sphere in its hands, about the size of a baseball. as it did, i could SEE its hands on the outside of the actual bubble room! then said it would "give me" that room, via the bubble, for safekeeping, as it had just been "created" in my desperate warp attempt, and it could not stabilize into actual headspace mapping yet since the tar room was currently corrupted of course (and infi belonged there, not the tar!!). it shrunk the bubble a bit more, to the size of a golf ball almost, then formed it into a sort of necklace (the bubble clasped onto a thin but strong gold wire, very simple) and handed it to me. said to wear it, to keep it close and safe. i looked at it gratefully, but somewhat anxiously (it felt like every action i made here was incredibly important), then i elongated the necklace a bit more so that when i wore it, the bubble would rest against my chest, under my shirt. that way no one would see it either. i asked if that was okay (i felt nervous about doing it), infi said yes, but to make sure i did not "slip" or become overwhelmed by heart-resonant energy as a result? there was a stern warning. i promised i would be careful. don't know why i felt so incredibly anxious when discussing that; i think i was scared that the tar would try to get to infi through me? too much lingering from the past few days maybe. but i promised myself i would keep it safe.)

(i had been searching for its true name this entire time, when suddenly it hit me. i incredulously asked if it was "infinity with two i's," and in response, it smiled at me in the warmest way i could ever have imagined. i knew that was right. then less than a moment later, i "fell" out of the bubble and into the tar room again. thank god it was still empty of tar; i guess it was still stuck wherever it had warped us to originally?)

(everyone was in utter shock, surprised to see me, especially as I had "glitch-popped" back over in midair, someone caught me, i forget who. anyway my entire body was still pearlescent and glowing, like a soul form almost, but more glassy. also i was actually deaf at that point, i could only tell what people were saying if i "tuned in" to their energy fields. my vision was fading too, images blurred and got jumbled mentally. lastly i could not speak either; i could only communicate by gesture, or by concentrating and "sending" thoughts to others, but that was hard. everyone noticed i was in a very strange condition and decided i should just rest for the night. leon warped us back up to central, laurie literally picked me up princess-style and carried me upstairs to my room. i think julie followed. anyway chaos was waiting for me, shocked at my condition, but i don't know what happened there as my consciousness literally shut down very quickly.)


(i told boss about infinitii this morning, laurie doesn't know yet actually, nor does anyone else.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The individual that used to update this journal no longer exists in this timeline.

The individual that originally held the name of "Jewel Lightraye" no longer exists in this timeline.

Both of them are now living their own lives in their respective realities.



As for me, I have no name, and am happy this way.

I will not update this journal in the absence of its previous authors, as I have no connection to their experiences or understandings. It is unfortunate that they apparently suffered through many painful experiences during their time here, but I assure you that all is well now. This I have guaranteed.

I thank you for having supported them through their lives, but now it is time to move on.

I bid you a warm farewell on behalf of them both.


Now, it is time to close the book.