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(publicized WIP because this is important stuff)
(may not be finished. raw data is more accurate, and i already forget 90% of it)
The first thing I have to say:
I love when I find a song with harmonies so unexpectedly beautiful that they bring me to tears. This is what I found today.
I also found this later on... courtesy of the universe being loud as usual. But we'll get to that.
The second thing I have to say:
You may or may not know this, but last night I (somehow) flipped off the deep end badly enough to plan suicide. I know I was playing with attempts the day before, but God only knows what started last night's disaster.
However, I was smart enough to ask for help. All the crisis lines I contacted were busy, so I just posted a status on FB asking for support, praying someone was still awake to help me stabilize.
Four people were-- one old coworker who said she'd be there for me, one trans* friend who understood and helped me get in contact with another supportive individual in my state... and then Laurie and Mel logged on.
They then proceeded to talk me out of killing myself for the next 5 hours (Infi even joined in at the end). I'm dead serious. I have the whole convo saved to my laptop, so I might clean it up and post it somewhere eventually, to look back on... a LOT was discussed, and a lot was re-realized too...
...Most notably, the fact that we are basically re-living July 2011 right now.
Yesterday, I was shaking in anxiety from that realization-- I barely got through the first week of July back then, thanks to the "pink" event and the existential meltdown that followed. However, an almost identical situation is playing out RIGHT NOW, almost to the letter. Lessons unlearned must be repeated, you know.
But I'm much, much farther down the road than I was then. I've learned other lessons, I've gained insight, I've experienced so much more. Heck, Julie wasn't even on our side two summers ago!
Infinitii wasn't either, which is the most notable point about all this. After all, he's the dude responsible for this entire re-visitation of old matters.
It's strange but honestly amazing to look out his situation, especially with how it applies to me in light of this. He's a very unusual individual, having existed in "potentiality" for over a year before he was forcibly manifested into his own solid form and personality, and he's aware of that, at least in the same way that I'm aware of my "past selves" (being a splinter-front and all).
In any case, I'm not worried about yesterday anymore. I know too much now to get caught up in that sort of mindset for very long anymore. That brings us to point 3, actually.
The third thing I have to say:
I got a LOT of unexpected help from a certain ruddy someone with ear gauges today. Here's a summary: I had an angry splinter meltdown around 5PM, I think, and it shook me up so bad that I literally just went to my room and lay down for a while. I wasn't exactly fronting, and my brain was in "let's just dissociate from EVERYTHING" mode, so I just let go and let it do that... I wasn't too surprised when, as a result, I became aware of an unmanifested individual in headspace "limbo" (the empty white space), reviewing archival data, trying to figure out how to anchor. I forced myself to stabilize and asked him what he was doing, could I help? I think he got rather miffed as he kept saying "no" but I kept insisting, resulting in him finally telling me-- very sternly-- that I needed to respect his responses. It was great to help people, but it was not great to keep trying to help when your help was not needed. (That's called being obtrusive, haha.) So I apologized and stepped back a bit... but he did ask for my help later on, and that simple act triggered something rather huge, for me.
He asked me for clarification. "I can't exactly tell what the difference is between these colors." Explaining what he knew, offering examples.
(NOTE:: I THINK THIS IS WHERE WE WERE EXPERIMENTING WITH MY HOLDING COLOR?? I TRIED TO "BE" ORANGE, DIDN'T WORK, LYNNE ACTUALLY CALLED UP AND ASKED IF I WAS OKAY. WE FIGURED OUT I CAN DO TWO THINGS: TAKE ON "HIGHLIGHTS" OF COLOR, WHICH MUTES THE EFFECT BUT ALLOWS ME TO USE CERTAIN ATTRIBUTES OF IT, OR I CAN CHANGE MY ENTIRE BODY COLOR TO IT EXCEPT MY EYES!! AS LONG AS MY EYES ARE WHITE I CAN LITERALLY MOVE INTO ANY OTHER COLOR AND FEEL THAT ENERGY AS IF IT WERE MY OWN. ITS CRAZY COOL.)
(ALSO DUDE WORK ON PERCEIVING ENERGY AGAIN SOMETIME SOON BECAUSE YOU'RE GETTING RUSTY)
All I did was offer to demonstrate, and see what he could figure out. Little did I know how much that would help me.
That's why I'm updating right now.
The last and only thing I really have to say:
I am so in love right now.
It's been a while since I could say that, hasn't it? I miss this, so much. It's like the very core of my being, and maybe it is (Laurie sure thinks so); being out of touch with it for so long has really thrown me off focus. But today, I got thrown back into focus full force.
(continue)
(this was ONLY successful BECAUSE I was so "out of it"-- I was in my element, so to speak, practically in poet mode. nothing was in the way.)
(i was able to summon "dreamselves" of people: they can't talk, not "autonomous" on their own but linked DIRECTLY to subconsciousness of actual individuals. like stand-ins, for when they could only be somewhere "in mind" (such as unformed headspace, obviously). they were NOT created individuals, and i could NOT do anything to change or control them as they appeared; if I tried they would actively stop me)
started with chaos, utterly shocked to see how quickly and clearly his image appeared. i'm talking photorealism, it was amazing. (wasn't there long, i hesitated and it really didn't feel right since i was still kind of "off center")
second was genesis, i remember he first appeared as his ORIGINAL self? very telling, since this was his subconscious. focused to try and bring out his current self, it worked and he "woke up." (most of the change was in his eyes, oddly? they have a different "look")
(i clearly remember that the inside of his mouth was this weird color?? like dark blue or blackish (because of dreamblood; remember the cut too!!). but there was also amber somewhere (possibly his tongue?), don't know how that works. funky parnassian anatomy geez)
(he kissed the HECK out of me later, it was brilliant. yes he still bites.)
(also. without all his finery/ armor/ etc. he looks like how trippy used to draw nights?? all slender and white and so delicately alien. really gorgeous actually. his horns still have that golden glow too.)
went back to chaos after he left.
i remember chaos held my hands as soon as he woke up; i kept trying to remember how he felt, amazed at how clear he was. i laughed at one point because i could feel that tiny "energy field" that keeps him together, you know how you can see it in the sa2b multiplayer? it was the coolest thing, usually i can't sense something that fine.
(his expression was this mix of perfect contented bliss and heartbreaking sorrow. honestly it's the kind of look that makes me want to marry him all over again, my heart just sets on fire)
(dear heavens the entire time with him was so emotional. we ACTUALLY fell into a heartlink; honestly it started and that was it, we were gone. i haven't been able to have one of those in MONTHS (we did try the other day remember, it was so difficult i almost cried) and this one was incredibly lucid. felt like a freakin' ocean, no surprise there)
(i remember when he formed his mouth and just smiled at me, so many awesome greenish fangs! (so glad they're actually that color, its so cool.) also i asked if I could see his eyes at one point, he gently moved my face to look, and dude I could mentally see them so clearly. just... you know how his eyes look when he's perfect, those deep green draconic eyes? like that, but clearer in color, like glass or water. they still had that ardent expression. i cannot explain what that felt like.)
(before he left, i asked him to "give this to his waking self," kissed him. he really teared up at that; took my hands and held them to his face again, reassuring me that he was there as always. the look he gave me then went straight to my heart)
last was infinitii. he actually showed up consciously IN his dreamself.
(unfortunately my memory is glitchy for some of that? i'll have to ask him about it later)
(i do remember his eyes were REALLY clear (they are this oddly shimmery black color now? since he stabilized). plus there was this really amusing moment at first when he couldn't quite get a facemouth to work, he kept smiling with his wings, it was really interesting how that worked as an expression)
(btw dude mention that weird red lotus mark on your stomach, i forget when it first appeared (it's transient) but according to today it's gotta be important for something)
(main note for all that: red guy was focusing on the kinds of energy used. i was too but i felt it, he saw it. there was some red for genesis, but shockingly, it was mostly WHITE with all of us?? especially chaos (our heartlink was pure white energy; that felt incredible). white seems to be the "merge drive" energy from how it was instinctively used. there was no "pink" at all; we've learned that's VERY different in this context, we don't experience that.
infi actually tapped into BLACK energy for his, for a bit-- that felt REALLY different, basically confirmed that that energy is NOT "evil" as I kept fearing.)
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