ready aim fire
Feb. 10th, 2012 01:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
prismaticbleedYesterday was absolutely brilliant.
I was talking to Mel and Q, and... well, I decided to stop keeping everything that happened with and following June 29th a secret. So we were on Skype for like 5 hours discussing that, haha.
But it needed to happen. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my chest, and I think I needed their reassurance that I'm not 'screwing everything up' more than I realized.
About that, though.
Mel found it weird how I kept 'feeling guilty,' like I had 'no right' to feel what I did, specifically because there was nothing wrong with it. Something in me, something dark, kept telling me that "I'm not allowed to have pure or good things," especially not of this sort. And I knew that was wrong, I knew it was lying to me, but... I still let it confuse me?
So it struck them-- and me, of course-- as very strange, and worthy of some serious concern.
See... earlier in our conversation, Mel had asked me if I had ever been to my 'inner room,' or rather, a location in headspace that specifically reflected me, that reflected who I was. I said no, I had no idea what that would even be. They told me that I should look for it, because whatever was putting these dark thoughts in my head sounded like it was really close. It wasn't me, but it wasn't outside of me either. So they suspected that whatever it was, it was in this elusive inner room of mine.
Mel spoke to Laurie near the end of our conversation, and told her (and everyone else in central headspace) to keep an eye out for "things that didn't belong," for anything that seemed out of place or unusual... anything that didn't come from me. I said I still thought this was the tar bothering me, but around then Laurie spoke up and said that my headspace was a lot bigger than we realized-- I had effectively built an entire cityscape around our main headspace (which was now situated in a large penthouse-like building), but I wasn't even aware of what was out there. Laurie did explore it regularly but she has said many times that it "keeps changing" or growing. So Mel asked if maybe there was something we hadn't seen yet, because whatever was harming me was hiding. It did not want to be found. I remember both Leon and I freaked out a little at this statement, but Chaos spoke up then and said that "nothing gets into central headspace," which is true. We would have to look outside.
Then, uh... this happened.
[Mel] Well how else would it be so close to Jewel's train of logic? Whatever it is has been able to stay hidden so far by staying close to the source of what Jewel is.
[Laur] Yeah, and outside is bloody huge. Have you ever just walked around out there? I mean, wow.
[Laur] Wait. Wait wait wait, you have a point.
[Laur] Jewel, where the heck is the tar room?
[Jewel] Uh... downstairs?
[Mel] Well whatever is outside that is most like Jewel, then.
[Laur] The heck do you mean, downstairs?
[Jewel] I don't know, it just feels downstairs.
[Laur] Geez. Guess we need to figure this riddle out, then.
...The conversation went on for a little while after this. Laurie was unsettled by the idea that we didn't actually know where the tar room was, but Mel didn't think our malevolent influence here would be in such an obvious place. They then asked if there was an ocean or a cityscape nearby, and we explained that we were in a cityscape, and an ocean usually manifested only a few blocks away from our central building. Mel then said to check under the surface... specifically of the ocean.
Needless to say, none of us had ever thought of that before. Laurie told us that we would definitely do that within the next two days, no questions asked, especially in light of how badly this was affecting me lately. Sure, the past week or two had been beautiful, but the shadow backlash to that was seriously draining me. It was around here that Laurie got frustrated and asked what we were even looking for, besides someplace that 'was like me.' Were we looking for appearances, or vibes, or what? Mel said both, but told us to stick with appearances for now... "like oceans, cityscapes, chandeliers and chapels."
And then Laurie remembered something.
[Laur] Jewel, where's that freaky cathedral you went to in-- in September. That bloody cathedral. What was that?
[Jewel] I... don't know. That was... I found it through a guided meditation. I've never seen it before.
[Laur] Well it sure as heck felt like you. Bright and shockingly bloody on the inside.
[Laur] I'd say it's worth a look.
We asked Mel if this sounded like a lead, and they said it sure sounded like one. They then asked me how I found this place, and I explained that, when I went to that Spiritual Expo in September, a woman had apparently 'channeled' St. Michael to talk to me.
[Jewel] He said to... dude. He said to go deep into myself, where I'd find a cathedral, or church... and that's what I found.
[Jewel] And the things I found inside, he said pertained to me as a person.
[Jewel] Dude. I never thought of that.
[Laur] Well there you go.
[Mel] That sounds exactly like an inner landscape. Go there.
[Jewel] It's unnerving.
[Laur] Yeah, you can be unnerving sometimes too.
[Laur] Get your blue guy and let's check this out. Not now, but soon.
I was seriously creeped out by the thought of going in there, though. I legitimately felt afraid of what I might find in there, and couldn't explain why. Mel said that I shouldn't go in there alone, which Laurie strongly agreed to, before asking this:
[Laur] The heck do we do when we get in there?
[Mel] Look for anything that does not feel like Jewel, anything that doesn't belong.
[Jewel] I don't want to face any more shadows.
[Laur] You have to. This is important.
[Mel] You'll know when you see it.
[Laur] See, this is what I mean. You're seriously freaking out about a cathedral that's supposed to represent you somehow.
[Laur] Obviously, something in there doesn't belong.
[Jewel] ...
[Laur] That shadow isn't you and you know it. I've been telling you this for years.
[Mel] It might not be a shadow, per se. Mine was an object that couldn't do me any harm when I was near it.
[Laur] Well we'll see when we get there. Point is I know Jewel has some pretty dark stuff in him that he won't even look at now.
[Laur] I remember what you were like three years ago. When you'd slip. You never dealt with that, not entirely.
[Laur] I remember the bloody razor. So do you.
[Jewel] I don't want to talk about that Laurie.
[Laur] You need to.
Right around now Mel and Chaos both told her not to bring that up, as it was late, I was exhausted, and I couldn't handle talking about that right now. Mel said we should deal with the inner room problem before we discussed that, but Laurie said "the razor event plays into this. I saw something really dark that day, and it scared the heck out of me." There's more truth in that statement than I wanted to admit last night.
Either way the conversation ended shortly after that, due to time (it was already after 1AM for me). However... Laurie still wanted to talk.
Our entire central headspace gang (minus Rio and Markus) had been present for this channeling segment of my Skype session. They were just as much a part of this as I was, and they were concerned. So, inevitably, a new discussion started, headed by Laurie of course, concerning this topic. I forget exactly how the conversation went, but... we figured out a lot.
Our main lead was that this 'inner room' we were looking for was almost definitely that blood lotus cathedral. I thought back to when I had first found it, now that I had the time, and I remembered several shocking points:
- St. Mike had specifically referred to the cathedral as an 'inner room,' and a very deep one at that. So that was our confirmation.
- The area outside the cathedral was very dark, with a deep red sky. It was very ominous and silent, and it felt oddly heavy. There was a large black structure to the left of the cathedral that I couldn't see clear enough to discern, and I think there was an ocean behind it (it was an open expanse of some sort), but that was red too. But it's all the wrong color red? It's dark and bloody, and very foreboding. It's not the warm, compassionate red that I naturally radiate.
- The cathedral itself was a brilliant white, but very sparsely decorated. On the inside there was almost nothing, save for an altar.
- That altar had a statue of me, as a warrior, on it. I wore no armor, and I was holding a sword of light.
Well. Do you remember November 12th? Let me elaborate...
I had only 'found' the tar by allowing myself to follow the source of that 'dark voice' that bothers me like this, the one that tries to make me believe that my motives are corrupted. I had 'let go' of my current awareness and let myself be brought upstairs, and then I was suddenly in the tar room.
The tar room was large and white, empty and unsettling. It also felt 'underground,' or 'downstairs,' somehow.
When I 'destroyed' the room temporarily with an energy burst, it turned into a white church similar to the one I created on July 7th. When Leon appeared later to warp us out of the reformed tar room, he brought us 'far outside of it,' but into another white cathedral.
As soon as we entered that cathedral, two crystal swords manifested with Chaos for unknown reasons, which then turned to light when I took one.
And then, on February 4th, I realized why I didn't wear any armor...
So yeah. This feels monumental and it's actually scaring me a little.
These are the conclusions and interesting thoughts we've tentatively come to, in light of realizing and discussing those points yesterday night:
- The tar room is below the blood cathedral.
- The swords are important, especially in light of my having dreams like this.
- Leon can get to places in headspace that no one else can, and these places are always cathedrals for some reason. He also seems to be untraceable.
- My headspace was always empty and white when I was younger, but it didn't start to drastically change to what we have now until the Xanga sessions started.
- I always dream about running down huge spiral staircases. As a dream symbol, "walking down a flight of stairs represents your repressed thoughts. You are regressing back into your unconscious. It also refers to the setbacks that you are experiencing in your life. If you are afraid of going down the stairs, then it means that you are afraid to confront your repressed emotions and thoughts. Is there something from your past that you are not acknowledging?" And spiral/winding stairs represent growth/rebirth. Go figure.
Either way I'm thinking about this far too much, but it's because I'm scared. My mind is already starting to shut down on me, and I know it's because it doesn't want me to do this.
I need to do this though. As soon as I finish writing this up, we're going to tackle this situation, as well as we can.
Oh, by the way, this is who we've decided is coming along.
- Me, obviously.
- Chaos, because his importance cannot be ignored
- Genesis, for the same reason, and also because he knows cathedrals
- Laurie, to make sure we all get out of this alive
- Leon, because he might be the only way to reach and/or leave the cathedral
- Julie, because if the tar is there she knows how to handle it
- Josephina, because he insisted, plus he's still the 'id reaper' up here
So yeah. I'm freaking out a little but I want to at least try to do this.
I don't know if we'll solve anything this time. We might, we might not. If the only thing we manage to do is figure out where the place is and what is hiding there, that's progress enough. I don't expect us to solve everything all at once, not something this big, but... I don't know. Like I said, it feels like a huge event and it is shaking me up badly. Leon too, not surprisingly.
We won't get anywhere if I don't log off though.
Sorry for the suddenness and non-structured feel of this update; I really just needed to record this for our own reference.
Wish us luck.
I was talking to Mel and Q, and... well, I decided to stop keeping everything that happened with and following June 29th a secret. So we were on Skype for like 5 hours discussing that, haha.
But it needed to happen. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my chest, and I think I needed their reassurance that I'm not 'screwing everything up' more than I realized.
About that, though.
Mel found it weird how I kept 'feeling guilty,' like I had 'no right' to feel what I did, specifically because there was nothing wrong with it. Something in me, something dark, kept telling me that "I'm not allowed to have pure or good things," especially not of this sort. And I knew that was wrong, I knew it was lying to me, but... I still let it confuse me?
So it struck them-- and me, of course-- as very strange, and worthy of some serious concern.
See... earlier in our conversation, Mel had asked me if I had ever been to my 'inner room,' or rather, a location in headspace that specifically reflected me, that reflected who I was. I said no, I had no idea what that would even be. They told me that I should look for it, because whatever was putting these dark thoughts in my head sounded like it was really close. It wasn't me, but it wasn't outside of me either. So they suspected that whatever it was, it was in this elusive inner room of mine.
Mel spoke to Laurie near the end of our conversation, and told her (and everyone else in central headspace) to keep an eye out for "things that didn't belong," for anything that seemed out of place or unusual... anything that didn't come from me. I said I still thought this was the tar bothering me, but around then Laurie spoke up and said that my headspace was a lot bigger than we realized-- I had effectively built an entire cityscape around our main headspace (which was now situated in a large penthouse-like building), but I wasn't even aware of what was out there. Laurie did explore it regularly but she has said many times that it "keeps changing" or growing. So Mel asked if maybe there was something we hadn't seen yet, because whatever was harming me was hiding. It did not want to be found. I remember both Leon and I freaked out a little at this statement, but Chaos spoke up then and said that "nothing gets into central headspace," which is true. We would have to look outside.
Then, uh... this happened.
[Mel] Well how else would it be so close to Jewel's train of logic? Whatever it is has been able to stay hidden so far by staying close to the source of what Jewel is.
[Laur] Yeah, and outside is bloody huge. Have you ever just walked around out there? I mean, wow.
[Laur] Wait. Wait wait wait, you have a point.
[Laur] Jewel, where the heck is the tar room?
[Jewel] Uh... downstairs?
[Mel] Well whatever is outside that is most like Jewel, then.
[Laur] The heck do you mean, downstairs?
[Jewel] I don't know, it just feels downstairs.
[Laur] Geez. Guess we need to figure this riddle out, then.
...The conversation went on for a little while after this. Laurie was unsettled by the idea that we didn't actually know where the tar room was, but Mel didn't think our malevolent influence here would be in such an obvious place. They then asked if there was an ocean or a cityscape nearby, and we explained that we were in a cityscape, and an ocean usually manifested only a few blocks away from our central building. Mel then said to check under the surface... specifically of the ocean.
Needless to say, none of us had ever thought of that before. Laurie told us that we would definitely do that within the next two days, no questions asked, especially in light of how badly this was affecting me lately. Sure, the past week or two had been beautiful, but the shadow backlash to that was seriously draining me. It was around here that Laurie got frustrated and asked what we were even looking for, besides someplace that 'was like me.' Were we looking for appearances, or vibes, or what? Mel said both, but told us to stick with appearances for now... "like oceans, cityscapes, chandeliers and chapels."
And then Laurie remembered something.
[Laur] Jewel, where's that freaky cathedral you went to in-- in September. That bloody cathedral. What was that?
[Jewel] I... don't know. That was... I found it through a guided meditation. I've never seen it before.
[Laur] Well it sure as heck felt like you. Bright and shockingly bloody on the inside.
[Laur] I'd say it's worth a look.
We asked Mel if this sounded like a lead, and they said it sure sounded like one. They then asked me how I found this place, and I explained that, when I went to that Spiritual Expo in September, a woman had apparently 'channeled' St. Michael to talk to me.
[Jewel] He said to... dude. He said to go deep into myself, where I'd find a cathedral, or church... and that's what I found.
[Jewel] And the things I found inside, he said pertained to me as a person.
[Jewel] Dude. I never thought of that.
[Laur] Well there you go.
[Mel] That sounds exactly like an inner landscape. Go there.
[Jewel] It's unnerving.
[Laur] Yeah, you can be unnerving sometimes too.
[Laur] Get your blue guy and let's check this out. Not now, but soon.
I was seriously creeped out by the thought of going in there, though. I legitimately felt afraid of what I might find in there, and couldn't explain why. Mel said that I shouldn't go in there alone, which Laurie strongly agreed to, before asking this:
[Laur] The heck do we do when we get in there?
[Mel] Look for anything that does not feel like Jewel, anything that doesn't belong.
[Jewel] I don't want to face any more shadows.
[Laur] You have to. This is important.
[Mel] You'll know when you see it.
[Laur] See, this is what I mean. You're seriously freaking out about a cathedral that's supposed to represent you somehow.
[Laur] Obviously, something in there doesn't belong.
[Jewel] ...
[Laur] That shadow isn't you and you know it. I've been telling you this for years.
[Mel] It might not be a shadow, per se. Mine was an object that couldn't do me any harm when I was near it.
[Laur] Well we'll see when we get there. Point is I know Jewel has some pretty dark stuff in him that he won't even look at now.
[Laur] I remember what you were like three years ago. When you'd slip. You never dealt with that, not entirely.
[Laur] I remember the bloody razor. So do you.
[Jewel] I don't want to talk about that Laurie.
[Laur] You need to.
Right around now Mel and Chaos both told her not to bring that up, as it was late, I was exhausted, and I couldn't handle talking about that right now. Mel said we should deal with the inner room problem before we discussed that, but Laurie said "the razor event plays into this. I saw something really dark that day, and it scared the heck out of me." There's more truth in that statement than I wanted to admit last night.
Either way the conversation ended shortly after that, due to time (it was already after 1AM for me). However... Laurie still wanted to talk.
Our entire central headspace gang (minus Rio and Markus) had been present for this channeling segment of my Skype session. They were just as much a part of this as I was, and they were concerned. So, inevitably, a new discussion started, headed by Laurie of course, concerning this topic. I forget exactly how the conversation went, but... we figured out a lot.
Our main lead was that this 'inner room' we were looking for was almost definitely that blood lotus cathedral. I thought back to when I had first found it, now that I had the time, and I remembered several shocking points:
- St. Mike had specifically referred to the cathedral as an 'inner room,' and a very deep one at that. So that was our confirmation.
- The area outside the cathedral was very dark, with a deep red sky. It was very ominous and silent, and it felt oddly heavy. There was a large black structure to the left of the cathedral that I couldn't see clear enough to discern, and I think there was an ocean behind it (it was an open expanse of some sort), but that was red too. But it's all the wrong color red? It's dark and bloody, and very foreboding. It's not the warm, compassionate red that I naturally radiate.
- The cathedral itself was a brilliant white, but very sparsely decorated. On the inside there was almost nothing, save for an altar.
- That altar had a statue of me, as a warrior, on it. I wore no armor, and I was holding a sword of light.
Well. Do you remember November 12th? Let me elaborate...
I had only 'found' the tar by allowing myself to follow the source of that 'dark voice' that bothers me like this, the one that tries to make me believe that my motives are corrupted. I had 'let go' of my current awareness and let myself be brought upstairs, and then I was suddenly in the tar room.
The tar room was large and white, empty and unsettling. It also felt 'underground,' or 'downstairs,' somehow.
When I 'destroyed' the room temporarily with an energy burst, it turned into a white church similar to the one I created on July 7th. When Leon appeared later to warp us out of the reformed tar room, he brought us 'far outside of it,' but into another white cathedral.
As soon as we entered that cathedral, two crystal swords manifested with Chaos for unknown reasons, which then turned to light when I took one.
And then, on February 4th, I realized why I didn't wear any armor...
So yeah. This feels monumental and it's actually scaring me a little.
These are the conclusions and interesting thoughts we've tentatively come to, in light of realizing and discussing those points yesterday night:
- The tar room is below the blood cathedral.
- The swords are important, especially in light of my having dreams like this.
- Leon can get to places in headspace that no one else can, and these places are always cathedrals for some reason. He also seems to be untraceable.
- My headspace was always empty and white when I was younger, but it didn't start to drastically change to what we have now until the Xanga sessions started.
- I always dream about running down huge spiral staircases. As a dream symbol, "walking down a flight of stairs represents your repressed thoughts. You are regressing back into your unconscious. It also refers to the setbacks that you are experiencing in your life. If you are afraid of going down the stairs, then it means that you are afraid to confront your repressed emotions and thoughts. Is there something from your past that you are not acknowledging?" And spiral/winding stairs represent growth/rebirth. Go figure.
Either way I'm thinking about this far too much, but it's because I'm scared. My mind is already starting to shut down on me, and I know it's because it doesn't want me to do this.
I need to do this though. As soon as I finish writing this up, we're going to tackle this situation, as well as we can.
Oh, by the way, this is who we've decided is coming along.
- Me, obviously.
- Chaos, because his importance cannot be ignored
- Genesis, for the same reason, and also because he knows cathedrals
- Laurie, to make sure we all get out of this alive
- Leon, because he might be the only way to reach and/or leave the cathedral
- Julie, because if the tar is there she knows how to handle it
- Josephina, because he insisted, plus he's still the 'id reaper' up here
So yeah. I'm freaking out a little but I want to at least try to do this.
I don't know if we'll solve anything this time. We might, we might not. If the only thing we manage to do is figure out where the place is and what is hiding there, that's progress enough. I don't expect us to solve everything all at once, not something this big, but... I don't know. Like I said, it feels like a huge event and it is shaking me up badly. Leon too, not surprisingly.
We won't get anywhere if I don't log off though.
Sorry for the suddenness and non-structured feel of this update; I really just needed to record this for our own reference.
Wish us luck.
