may 17th

May. 18th, 2014 02:08 am
prismaticbleed: (held)

 

 

Things lately have been kind of hellish, yet fluctuating between total suicidal despair and a refusal to give up hope. I think we're possessed for real, the violent outbursts + time loss are getting worse and we have apparently tried to attack people? That is not good at all and I want to stop it.
We had an emergency therapy appointment on Friday because of all that. It made me realize that "self-care" is dangerous for us because I don't know how to think of myself as a separate being," so to speak, therefore my mind has two options: "care for others and not exist as a person, but be totally happy and feel complete," OR, "care for yourself and the world doesn't exist, so to heck with them." The big problem? Option #1 is my state of existence. Option #2 belongs to whatever girl fronts in this body when headspace is unplugged. Anyway it made me realize that the "self" insisting on being cared for is not taking any of our selves into account, and we all feel angry and frustrated and sad because the "self-care" everyone outside is praising us for, is actually killing us. That was quite a revelation so I want to write it down.
The family keeps telling us to literally "run from our problems," basically "distract ourself from the pain and pretend everything is fine," and that is making a lot of us really mad obviously.
I'm listening to Library Tapes right now it's really pretty
We had a doctor's appointment yesterday? I think? Friday. It was oddly distant. But Spice and Wreckage got really mad in the waiting room because they wanted us to take pills, and Spice says NO PILLS but Wreckage knows that they are thinking psychological problems need physical treatments and that has NEVER worked. So she fronted when we got home, total suprise, very mad I remember. She was sittng in the car and shouting. I don't know what she said but it felt very real for her to be there. Then she noticed the nature outside was very pretty, all bright green and covered with rain, and she got really kind of sad because, "I don't know how to feel about this." Spice dealt with that too, when she first spoke to us in the body, she saw how beautiful the world was otuside and it broke her heart because "my anchor is tied to fear and pain, it's a job we need for me to help heal it, is it even possible for me to feel peace and good things without completely abandoning that role and therefore forcing someone else to take it?" it's convoluted and very sad hi this is simeon by the way!
oh jewel fronted on the way home too, we lost $20 i think? i dont know its not the first time. either way we lost money. oh no we lost $30 that was it. and jewel got mad, said it's "okay to want to have enough moeny to take care of ourselves," BUT we were scared because some bad voices keep using the money for mad tings. they tell us we "must do this must buy that" and it makes jay very sad because there aer LOTS of mean bad voices trying to yell at him and order him around and do stuff. but he says their voices are in his head but our voices are in his heart. so he can tell its us and not them! that makes me really happy. we will have to try and make sure we stay here then, sometimes things get "unplugged" and no one can find each other

I have a headache and I've had once since I woke up, dreams lately have been nightmarish in the empty "the world is dry and yellow and dead empty" sort. All flat dead air and no living hills and things.
There have been lots of hack nightmares too. it makes us not want to sleep a lot but we have to
It's tough lately, getting through the day. We don't want to spend all our time on the computer, especially not with the EMF stuff, but otherwise we literally end up exercising for 3+ hours or sleeping. There has got to be a better option, how do we deal with this, what do we do, what are we even dealing with,
there was a hack this morning,
i figureed out why they are so traumatic. because the split is TOTAL. reality and psychology and comprehension and presence are totally disconnected. i never know what happens or when or how or what until it's finished, then suddenly i'm snapped back, everything hurts, i'm scared, body is literally telling me that it is frightened and damaged.
the pink girl noticed and started shrieking in pain, sobbing, wanting to die from hopelessness but also so furious that she wanted justice done. so wreckage showed up, went upstairs, i was also too sick to exist so i shut off and the main consciousness switched to some think i never saw before. some raelly scary unknown pink monster voice with butcher knives for hands (and no face?) was main, showed up to attack infi, wanted to kill hir. got close. fought wreckage, also tried to kill me. i lost my legs i told them i "didn't want them anyway" that was weird i didn't remember any of this until like three hours later
wreckage and the fuchsia monster fought, but it was weird it's like no one actually wants to fight anymore, it's hard for even the retributors to draw blood. they will try to fight to bring justice and atonement, but it is so difficult. i felt that bleedover and it shocked me, when did all our hearts soften this much, when did we all become so unwilling to cause pain anymore that we started stagnating in the "painless agony" the others dealt? the bad voices, the scraeming ones, the demons, they never cut us up, but the bleeding was always done out of love, even totally misplaced, they always wanted to make something better. i love every single scar on this body dear god i do, it reminds me of them always, i love them.
but the bad people never ever ever leave scars at least not physical ones. and that is the problem. how do we fix that? how do you heal a wound that you can't even find or see
we could always stop the bleeding, but we can't stop this, and we're dying from it
it needs to stop.
i dont know how infi is doing i havent seen hir and weirdly i cant be scared of hir even now, i'm scared of hir being USED like the tar keeps doing. yes it is still alive of course. i saw it yesterday i think, soemthing called it, it as horrifying, it still can call up body flashbacks instantly. sometimes i wonder if they'er not flashbacks at all. they say the inner realms are just as real, JUST AS REAL, stop doubting us and everything, even the scary stuff. i know that it is literal even there. so i dont want to relive those memories, NO ONE DOES, no one wants to go to therapy and talk about the pain and the rape because its like we live it again right there, NO ONE WANTS THAT
and the tar can bring it all back in a second
the plague is different, the plague is disease, is thunderstorm air and hurricanes coming to punish us. it is quiet panic creeping and wrath of god and burning-red stares of hatred and no emotion. the tar is the opposite, the tar is outright maniacal outbursts and flooding of sickness black heavy choking. the plague is quiet and scary
what are we talking about sorry.
there are no bad feelings right now though. except the body is sick again. not sure why. someoen told us to eat one thing it is good, it was not? we arent sure lots of people were home so we dont know who ate what, spice is tired, why isnt emmett eating, we need to make sure he always does he's safe.

but therapy has been difficult lately because we are finally processing trauma memories. I haven't been capitalizing, sorry. We haven't been, rather. Sorry!
But yeah people are trying to finally admit that "yes it DID happen" and "yes it STILL hurts" and "oh by the way this HASN'T STOPPED either" but there is so much guilt and shame and self-loathing and anger at those things, why were we taught to be ashamed of saying we are in pain, why were we punished for crying out for help, all the abused ones in the system are getting SO ANGRY because they WANT TO HEAL and they are SICK OF BEING IGNORED.
we all are tired of being ignored, not by jay, he just gets scared, we forgive him. but the rest of the world likes to ignore deny and taht is sad we want to live too
even if its inside we are safe and fine here. so many people cant live in one body! but we dont want to be ignored. we are real and loving good people too you know
we just want to be happy, ALL of us, together. that's it really

Oh, forgot to mention. We made the phone call to start hormones yesterday. FINALLY. So hopefully that will start in July. I hope so, for all of us. If the dysphoria abates a little, the healing will probably boost through the roof. The therapist thinks so too, she is helping us as much as possible with this, we're so glad.
Hospitalization is still up in the air, tentative date was June but we're not sure, again because we want to see if T helps or anything. Plus we really don't want to go back into a hospital environment, and have eating trouble. They aren't very understanding of some things even though they try. But being in a place where everyone knows we're multiple, and there are other systems... it would be really nice in a way, IF WE DIDN'T HAVE THIS BAD PERSON FRONTING ALL THE TIME sorry for yelling. that wasn't me. but it is very very sad and i'm angry about it too a little!

Jeremiah fronted for about five seconds this morning, after the hack. It broke my heart to feel that, because he used to be the guy that took the pain in order to protect the children, to keep it from ever reaching them, but existing just to feel THAT was a literal hell. It was driving him mad I think. But today he couldn't even force himself to feel it, it was too terrible, he started sobbing and just went inside to watch over the children.
The body reactions to hacks are really the worst thing, because they make no sense whatsoever, it just freaks out totally and that is what scared us the most as a child. No one knew how to comprehend that! And it was WORSE back then, with the blood and the convulsions and the massive dissociation (pre-headspace). Now the body still gets horribly ill, but the numbness of long-term abuse at least allows things to shut down entirely sometimes. Which is sad but at least it keeps anyone from feeling it sometimes. Ash shouldn't have to, Jeremiah shouldn't have to, I shouldn't have to, NO ONE SHOULD EVER FEEL THIS. This should never happen to anyone. And yet it does, and it's terrifying, and Infi gets the worst of it because ze is the one trapped in that territory. It breaks my heart. We all know what the truth is but the bad things keep trying to mangle that and ze suffers, it's not fair, it's too cruel.

There were a LOT of triggers today. The dead red boy almost came out a few times. We lost a LOT of time. I know we went food shopping because I remember walking out the door with Genesis, but then boom, I remember almost nothing of the evening after that instant. That's upsetting. It happens almost every time we leave the house.
We didn't eat until about 8pm again today, thanks to religious paranoia/ not hungry/ food is tied to abuse/ etc. It's upsetting that there's still so much moral insanity lingering around, it keeps us from doing much. The absolute worst breakdowns we ever have are always tied to spirituality somehow, that childhood fear of being evil incarnate, of being disposable and filthy. I got a lot of help today towards healing that via a few spiritual-blog links, but the main website I used to go to for those is extremely dangerous at times because it has so many authors, and our brain has a bad habit of thinking it's all the "gospel truth," until it realizes that the articles often contradict each other. So yeah, I follow what I get, then I leave. I can't force things, even with good intentions, as it doesn't end well. I'm trying to learn how to tap into our intuition more without being drowned out by bad voices or 'obligations,' but that won't be instantaneous. Still I'm putting in honest effort. I'll have to ask Leon to help maybe. Headspace always helps either way.

I went outside to talk to my favorite cherry tree earlier, the little gnarly one in the back yard, I am so glad no one cut it down. It's my friend and it is so nice and I'm always so happy talking to it. So I just leaned against it for a bit and felt happy and thanked it for always being willing to chill out with me, haha.

I'm feeling nice now. Surprisingly. I think it's just because this happened, this typing.
Laurie's been asking me for weeks to have a Xanga session and I don't know why I haven't agreed? It's this weird fear, of how much I'll feel maybe, or of the unquestionable reality of it that always hits. Headspace holds glory and gore both, and you have to accept those two things when it's around. And I've been scared to.
But I love her. I love all of us, and that's worth trying. Lynne's been hanging around lately, a lot, which is great. She and Laurie were joking around yesterday, and there was something about Freud and eggplant which was so funny that I ended up laughing out loud. Waldorf has been around rather frequently too, so have Leon and Nathaniel, Nat especially has been quite talkative. Spine often follows Lynne and we've been trying to include her more lately; also she was talking to us about something super important yesterday and I wish I remember what. So was Mulberry! I clearly remember seeing her, notably her suit stood out in my mind. Knife's been here and there, it's always good to see him. Sugar fronted for a minute or so sometime last week, just to check in, I don't know when but there she was. Spice is practically a regular now, she and Laurie get along well. Algorith seems to be buddying up with Wreckage. And I've been talking to Sergei and Hyakin a lot lately, actually, they're really cool. Sergei spoke to the mother on the phone some morning a week or two ago, that stands out in my head because I had just woken up and she started talking about flowers and he was like "really" and just took over. That's really funny in retrospect.
Garrison also spoke to me a bit today (I missed him!), plus he was helping last week when Laurie was talking to my bro. It's good to see he and the others are still around; he said the archivists have been rather overwhelmed with all the data recently, I said don't be too logical about it because then you get trapped. Sherlock can help with that, he's abandoned the logic box and he's now a sort of "librarian" figure in my eyes, like total love of knowledge but also the creative freedom that follows it and books and learning. Which is great.
CZ's been trying to ghost more lately, he spent almost an entire afternoon with me earlier this week, it was one of the most genuine days I've experienced in a while. Xenophon was around too, I talk to her or visit her whenever I can, I really try. Cel is always around, Ryman and Markus are doing their own thing lately but they aren't disconnected from us totally, which is neat.
There's more richness to our inner life than I give it credit for, I think.
But just... typing, tonight, has helped. Just all of us trying to express things, just all of us being totally acknowledged, helps.

I'm also trying to work on this. It's tough as I keep forgetting anatomy proportions (sorry, I'll need to get safe refs) and art is really tricky on bad nights, but still, it means a lot. Very much WIP but I'm feeling a lot of love and gratitude right now and I feel like sharing is okay.



Told you I was going through with it.
I will talk about that more as I work on it. As of now, it just brings up a lot of emotions just to look at. I mean seriously, I'm trying to draw us. That's big.
I want to do at least one more set, with the Retributors probably. I might ultimately draw everyone. I want to, in one way or another.

For the record... this song always makes me think of the Retributors. Every one of them started out swinging punches and blades, fighting with all their might.  But as time went on, they slowly realized that approach wasn't working as well as it once did, and really... we're not as cut out for this as we thought. The song really says it best.
Boxing's been good to us, but the whole time, we knew...

 


I think I need to type like this more, late at night, or during the day, or whenever. There's something about typing that just bypasses every emotional barrier, and no matter how much pain and sorrow and anger gets dragged up from the depths during it, in recent times it has shockingly always seemed to conclude in love. Always.
It's us, is what it is. D.I.D. is this ridiculously blessed and brutal "disorder," ironically as we ended up with a System from it... but embracing the reality of us, the totality of us, AS us, as a collective, as a togetherness and a unity... it has changed our life for the better. Obviously. If Cannon had tried to do it alone I think she would have died. If Laurie didn't always work so hard to keep us together, if the Outspacers didn't always stand fast in their own dreams and love and hope... really words don't work. Bottom line is, if at some point we had decided solidly, "I don't want this, I don't want them," we would have died. Our heart and soul would have died. We exist to protect health and coherence and light, that's why we ARE, even if our reality might make others insist we're insane. That doesn't matter. This matters.
There are people in the "anti-System"-- the people like Jessica and Bridget-- who have rejected us as a whole, who want to be selfish and cruel and seething with rage and hate, who refuse to acknowledge reality. They say it's "better that way," to outright deny the past and the present alike, to live according to whims. Sometimes they can be very convincing. But we exist to heal and so we have to trudge through the mud and dirt and blood first. We can do it though. We're holding hands through this and no one ever falls without being helped right back up to their feet, and we don't give up.

Words are failing, they really are. I want to cry right now because I am so sad that there is still unhealed damage here, and I love everyone in here, I love them all so much, how do I express that?
I always joke around that I want to kiss everyone in the System but damn it I do, it's one of the simplest most trusting and sincere actions of affection I know. You can hug someone and still be totally closed off, but you cannot snog someone halfheartedly. Jokes aside though, it's true. I adore all of us. And that's what hurts about what Simeon said, about not knowing how to live as Us. As a complete whole, made of many individuals. We want to balance that in our daily life because it is the only thing that makes me feel complete and real, honestly when I'm unplugged from headspace it is virtually impossible to feel the finer emotions. It's creepy in hindsight but it is true. But there's "good and bad" up here and we need to stop labeling that... it's all just how it is. That's how we are.

I need sleep. We haven't been sleeping well but I do know we need to rest. We need some good dreams. Minty and my boss (Mr. Sandman, who I love so freaking much he is great) still watch over us nightly, but sometimes it's hard for them to reach me and that's saddening. Still, people care. Laurie always watches. The Retributors always stand at attention. We're never alone. We're never hopeless. And that's really all I need to get through the day sometimes.

There is still so much that needs to be said, and I still owe you guys that map entry and all our Tumblr questions... but we'll take that bit by bit. We're dealing with a lot lately, but I promise you I don't want to slack off anymore. Yeah I might feel totally discarnate right now, but I also feel completely at peace, in a good way. The physical world might be jarring still but as long as I can tune into this in some way, every day, I think it'll be easier to manage. I haven't been doing this lately, by the way. Not a smart move.
Again, I'm rambling, which means I'm dissociated. Sorry about that.

Laurie's upset that it's 2am and I'm still awake ("kid, get your ass to bed") and I don't blame her. So that's it for tonight. I'll try to post another update tomorrow evening, even if it's small.
It's nice to be back. Feels like home in a weird way.
See you again soon.

 



prismaticbleed: (aflame)



!!!!!!!!!!!!
my artistic muse is ACTIVELY ONLINE oh my goodness i haven't seen them around in months this is incredible

i am actively trying not to shout with giddy happiness over this oh wow

♥♥♥♥

no really, i am literally smiling and laughing at my computer, things in life are just so nice right now, this is the cherry on top of the cake

god bless her, she brings me so much joy, i hope she receives a thousand times more in return.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 02:43 am

 

Today:

- Body's 24th birthday. Didn't do anything special; today was all business meetings and errands anyway. Still it was a nice day. Also Dream World turns SIXTEEN today!! That's big. So that is even better than a personal birthday!
- Saw case manager; told her we do want to finally start hormones. She said she was very proud of us standing up for ourselves with that, and said she would be entirely willing to give us transportation if needed. In any case it was a very positive session. She also said something very notable, when I expressed hesitation about "finally taking that big step," even after years of hesitation and consideration-- she said, "if you weren't nervous, I'd be very concerned!" Apparently, in her experience, people who jump into big decisions all at once are usually doing so impulsively. That possibility didn't even cross my mind; for years I've been expected to make decisions so entirely and quickly, as I "wasn't allowed" to be scared, or unsure, or unwilling. I had to be "impulsive" in order to survive, so to speak. That's another old program I was not aware of until now, so that's good to know. We'll be more aware of impulse from now on, in that context.
- For unknown reason, brother asked us in the evening "what we had never told him," i.e. about the abuse. Somehow, he ended up talking to Sherlock, Laurie, AND Julie about it. I was also jolted out afterwards and was lightheaded with surprise and amazement; that literally broke down any walls of ignorance or misunderstanding that may have remained there! Even so I am not sure what they talked to him about; I know they were trying to give him the "beginning details" of how we came to exist, but that's about all I'm aware of. Still, WOW.
- Went over the father's house for a little get-together this evening, with just the brothers and the stepmom. It was really really nice as always, I enjoy the quiet and happy atmosphere of their place. It's also the first time in months we were all able to see each other at once-- usually work and school schedules prevent that. So for that to happen on our birthday was an extra nice thing.
- Unexpected fun birthday present from the universe #1: this morning, an official announcement of the Ruby and Sapphire Pokemon games getting a 3DS remake this November! You know what that means... MOUNT PYRE IN HD. This is very very good. Of coruse I don't know if we'll get it-- Y version was difficult enough to handle-- but still, it's a cool thought. Jewel is really excited to say the least!
- Unexpected fun birthday present from the universe #2: TRiPPY revealed the up-close headshot and quick bio of the new Pink Gen today! I'm stupidly excited; this guy is awesome as heck and I already like him as much as I liked the old kitty-ears Pink. I hope he inherited the windblade; that thing was boss.
- Now we're typing! I haven't had the mental capability of typing large entries lately, so this is all going to be listed as topic points. Hope that's okay.

Yesterday:

- Therapy. The "victorian pink" girl (who still has not found a name, BUT she has found the roots for it at long last) actually FRONTED to talk to the therapist, ABOUT TRAUMA MEMORIES. She is the only person in the System who holds the trauma memories from 2002-2004, the very beginning of the "Julie days," so it was a shock both to see her front entirely without warning, but also for her to suddenly start discussing that-- something NO ONE HAS EVER SPOKEN ABOUT ALOUD BEFORE. That was quite a progress jump! So we're proud of her, but that was incredibly draining and more than a little terrifying.
- This was also the first time we got "switchy" in therapy in weeks. We've been very "empty" and the AP has been running mostly, so even this rather upsetting shock-back to us "existing" in the outside world was incredibly relieving, and embraced entirely. In a weird way it's also good that the VP girl is the one to have done that-- she's tied to everything the Cores have tried to deny or forget or justify or fight, everything that hurts and haunts us. It's never been healed, so this is an incredible step up.
- I remember Genesis was really depressed and somewhat moody (avoidant) as a result, but not angrily-- he was just very sad. I have a flash-image memory of us standing in the tea aisle of our favorite health food store, and him just looking very drained and almost resigned, not looking at us. I don't know what we said or did, but whatever it was it had to be significant.
- The evening was spent doing color tests for Dream World worldbuilding purposes. It felt really amazing; we got at least three people figured out in that respect. It's also really nice to be able to color digitally again (one of the twin brothers is letting us use his Bamboo tablet when he doesn't need it; this is a lifesaver for both our work and our aching arms, haha).
- I think I also re-read TJ & Amal from the beginning this evening? This is like the third time I've done that already, haha. I love that webcomic so much; despite the fact that there are two (quite tastefully handled) sexual scenes in it, I cannot dislike it because the story and the characters and the art are so wonderfully done. But yeah, after seven years, that comic is ending this month. So it is this terribly bittersweet realization, and I wanted to see the entire thing play out from beginning to almost-end again. Needless to say it was very much worth it.
- Oh yes! I also confirmed, through both research and direct asking, that our "Celebi"-- the Lime slot Outspacer, not the canon Pokemon-based doppelganger the Tar uses-- is NOT a Pokemon anymore!! She hasn't looked like one for a very long time actually, but in recent months she's been appearing much more insectoid in terms of body features upstairs, and although I kept thinking "hmm that's unusual" it was never this striking before. So I kept trying to get a better visual image of her, and then it hit me. She's a flower mantis!! That is AWESOME. I haven't tried to draw her yet, but unusually she looks like a Devil's Flower Mantis more than anything, which I would not have expected at all. But it matches up. So we'll work on getting some new art up of her. Oh and her name has also changed! I keep getting an "e" for a vowel, but it feels like maybe there's a Z in there now? Or an N? We don't know. She might even be catching CZ's new name development as those two have always been closely linked in their own way, and they are both going through major re-anchoring transitions right now. We shall see.
- On a similar note, our "seaweed mermaid" girl seems to have chosen the name Tobiko? That's really unusual too. It's also ironic, because I cannot eat fish or meat at all, and the one time I broke that rule specifically to eat tobiko, I ended up sick for a week! And her anchor was originally purging in order to prevent sickness like that from happening. Maybe that's tied to it, I don't know. Either way it's a cute name. Plus I FINALLY found the original mermaid picture my brain kept tying to her face, and it didn't match up as well as I thought it did, haha. But it helped me say, "I know what she does look like in comparison!" So I will try to draw her too. She is MUCH clearer than she was just last month, which is nice. I love when people get clearer.

Monday:

- I literally spent the entire day doing nothing but hardcore wordbuilding for Dream World. This included research on Peruvian cloud forests, species of arboreal mammals, opalized skeletons, hallucinogenic plants, various cryptids, and finding screenshots from the Care Bears Nutcracker Suite, among other things! Oh yes, and a ridiculous amount of time finding photos of lesser galagos. They are super cute. Anyway all that research was desperately needed, and even better, it clicked right into place without my even trying to make it match up. That was both very surprising, and very exciting. The data I found was just what I needed, so things are indeed growing in this story's technical background. There's still a lot I feel we need to do before we can share it openly with the public, so I'm putting extra effort in.
- Also, now that I think of it, I think something happened Monday morning with a hack attempt? We have been having really bad nightmares in that respect lately, but I won't write them down as I don't want to remember them. Maybe that's not smart, but I really don't want to. Anyway the "morning hack threats" are back full-force, they're very scary. I keep waking up early from pain and things so that's tough to deal with, the falling back asleep with that extra danger. But I'm asking Laurie to stick around, and Minty helps, and Wreckage, and Cel. People care and that is good. But I mention that because, like Cel, the Tar is trying to use Ventrium's "memory" to get at me, borrowing his dead form and pretending to be him in order to damage me. But I'm not whoever they did that to in the past, during the Julie days. I can feel the difference. I know they are lying and I know they are trying to hurt me. If I stand strong, they can't touch me. But that early, with me so confused and tired, sometimes it is very hard to stand strong with how vicious they are. Like I said though, that's where the help really helps! In any case Ventrium is staying dead as far as we can tell, there are no signs of re-anchorage because he never had one of course. Anyway there are only three Outspacer slots left I think? Not sure. There's a half-finished entry on this computer about that too, I'll have to post it maybe... there's a lot we haven't posted yet. Sorry for slacking off.
- I actually found a song that is basically Infinitii in audio form. Not only are the vocals slightly dissonant-- which Infi talks like-- but the odd and dreamlike lyrics are so entirely relevant it's uncanny... and heartbreaking at times, too. I really love the fact that this exists.

 


The weekend:

- I remember nothing from the weekend, except for when I checked my email around midnight on Saturday, and in it was this finished commission.

Yeah. That is Laurie.
And yes the sketch of this is what I apparently had an emotional outpouring about a week ago.
I have no words left to say how I feel about this picture now that it's done. Not today at least. I just want to thank Hanie a billion times over (again), because this picture and the entire process leading up to receiving it just had such a huge impact on me, personally and as a member of our System.
Laurie loves it, really. Says she "doesn't look as brutal as usual" and that's her favorite thing about it. Honestly it surprised me when I felt pushed to get an artwork of her from this artist-- I love their style, but it would have fit Lynne or Julie better, so to speak. And yet Laurie's the one who ended up painted here, the first of us to ever be drawn by someone else, the first of us to ever be drawn on paper.
I'm saving up cash to buy more art of the rest of us, Central first probably, from other artists. The amount of joy and incredulous wonder I got just from this one took me totally off guard, and yet it was so significant. I love Laurie, I really do love her, but I love everyone else up here just as much, you all know that, even if it's all in different ways. I love all of us. I want all of us to be shining in color too.
So that's for the future. It'll happen... I have to take the first steps of course. No one else in the world can understand your faces, if I don't make the effort to translate them first. And I am trying. I can't run away from it, yes I'm scared of "blasphemy" in the trial and error, in the "trying to get it right," in the simple reality that it won't be perfect, not in such a specific sense. But I have to put the effort forward in honesty regardless. I guess I'm just trying to talk myself into it. But that helps.
Nevertheless this picture of Laurie, our protector, my best friend, helps more than my own words can towards that end right now. So hope is there, in violet and in lantern light. I'm kind of falling asleep. That's fine.


So that's it for now I guess. It is late!
We're a little sick right now because we weren't 100% careful with food today-- we sure tried, but we misjudged how we'd react to one thing, at least now we've confirmed it's what makes us ill-- and so we're a bit discombobulated. However, the awful nightly pain hasn't happened tonight! I'm very thankful for that; it's been very bad since Easter, but we've been doing everything we can to heal it. Looks like it's paying off. (Fistbumps for Spice and Emmett, you two get tons of credit of course.)
Tomorrow... I don't know. We have therapy, but I have no clue what will happen, or who will talk. What is the pink girl's name? She keeps saying her color is really "ashen rose," or "dusty pink," either way she keeps speaking the very clear image of soot and dust and incinerated flowers. And I keep thinking of A Swiftly Tilting Planet, of that one line I couldn't forget, how the fire was roses, how it was the purest flame of all. And it's fitting, how she is this poor delicate burnt thing, she insists she is ruined and destroyed, that she is just ashes now... but I found the sentence, "rose from the ashes," and that first word has two meanings. She may be a burnt flower, but like Julie, she is also a phoenix. She is still alive, even with what she holds! She is still alive and trying to heal and she hasn't given up, even though Wreckage is scared for her and we thought she would commit suicide so many times. But she is still here and she is being so strong. Whatever her name is, it will carry that strength of hers.


I am so, so tired. Sorry! I'm never quite sure how to type or what to say. Words don't work as well as images and emotions.
However three words now will work: "I need sleep."
See you tomorrow, whatever happens then!

 




prismaticbleed: (soniccity)

 

Well, I guess now is as good a time as ever to update.
I'm listening to some binaural beats right now to calm me down; the body's been unsettlingly off-kilter for the past week or two and already I'm feeling massive calmness from this (thanks theta waves, haha). So if I fall asleep while typing this up you will have to forgive me.

Anyway. First things first. I last updated here on the 10th, and I remember little concrete events since then, so let me just do a stream-of-consciousness list for whatever comes to mind.

Last Tuesday, I tried to update here, but failed due to stress overload. All I recorded was, "some thermophobic kid was out today-- TERRIFIED of heat." This is true; for some reason, the temperature was around 60 degrees Fahrenheit that day, and the moment it registered there was a full-out, hysteric panic attack.
When we got home the fear subsided entirely, which was bizarre. Also odd was the fact that, at that same time, I realized that I have no memories of what summer is like. None! I have the vague factual awareness that the trees and grass will get green and dark and the birds will be singing and flowers will be blooming, and it will be warm. But that's literally a snapshot data piece. All the "summer memories" of the past are rather buried, and feel negative. That's probably where this scared kid gets it. But that's new, and weird, because I literally have never seen summer and so I'm curious. Jewel says it's great, so I trust her. She loves summer, I love winter. It works out!
Also on Tuesday, there was an important note saying there was an overpowering feeling of sorrow, and being furiously frustrated over feeling "unable to express it," effectively driving that person to tears from the lack of catharsis. "That person" feels like Overload, and probably was (she deals with those sorts of sensations). Regardless that feeling has persisted on and off until today, and we're all working together sincerely to try and heal that, as it is obviously the main thing making us sick! Everything has internal roots so we are in the ideal position to fix those things, haha.

Last Thursday was Xenophon's 3rd birthday! Unfortunately my memory is shot so I remember little of it, but I can tell you this-- we made her extremely purple kale soup (purple kale, purple carrots, purple shallots, also tons of parsley) as it's her favorite food, she followed me around driving for the day, and I know we did something else but it's escaping me right now. Nevertheless I've been spending time with her whenever she wishes to, and when I'm mentally able.

On that note, we've taken to doing our nightly indoor walks again, with the old iPod on, as they are perfect for everyone just getting together and talking, or simply meditating when headspace isn't busy, or not accessible. They help a lot in terms of stability, too, as they're our only real "safe quiet time" during the day. However I mention them here because there are small but notable connections and interactions within the System every night we are tuned into those walks, so even if I can't "summarize" them here I can say with certainty that those little honest times are helping foster more community between us all. I think this sort of thing started in December, notably with this lovely night, and that was so significant to us all that we try to have similar times whenever possible now. In short the little things matter most.

I took out His Dark Materials from the library on Tuesday, so I will likely spend tomorrow writing down all the bookmarked passages I have for it, and then constructing a relevant entry around those IF needed. You know how quickly things change up here; what is still applicable will be discussed, what is not will not be. Nevertheless the experiences of reading the book need to be written down so an entry will happen either way.

I am currently playing this song on loop with the pitch dropped by 5 semitones, and it is great. I'm currently going through my mother's entire music library (so many CDs) and I stumbled across that one, so there you go. We're saving up for a new iPod as Razia is pretty shot at this point, but he still plays music! He's survived so much since 2010 (cross-country trips, being lost outside for several months, etc.) that I honestly have to applaud his hardiness. He's a tough little thing.

That creepy "clawteeth" voice from the 4th found her name: it's Wreckage. When feeling for it I kept getting the impression of "shambles," "ruins," etc. as well as a visual of destroyed buildings and scattered bones, but no letters. Then a day or two later I hit on the letter "w" which was weird as the sound I was getting was "r," like in the word "wrath" or "wreak." So I was fumbling about those two words until she essentially walked up to me during one of those times and said her name was Wreckage. Her color is also confirmed gold.
She reminds me vaguely of Spine in that she's powerful and gangly-thin, with an elongated head, but that's about it? Really she looks like she stepped out of the OFF game. I can't quite see her eyes yet, but she has this huge thin clawed fingers, as well as a mouth full of thin, sharp protruding teeth (hence her initial 'nickname'). She doesn't have a tail and I can't tell if she has horns on her head or not; there's something in the back I think but again, she's vague. She has thin sand-colored skin that looks like bleached leather stretched thin over her skeleton, hard to explain... she's wiry but it's like a compressed spring in that sense. She's all taut muscles and tightly bound power, wrapped around a skeletal frame. But, despite looking like she crawled out of a nightmare, she is a very benevolently-motivated individual (obviously as she's a Retributor). She's just like Laurie was at first: "I have an important job to do, and if you hinder me, I will show you no mercy."

Sylvain's brother is named Simeon. He's the little vanilla-colored boy that updates online whenever there's bad fronting fallout and we need someone to hold things together while we recuperate. That name had strong attachments to the color ages ago, and he said it fit when I asked him earlier this week. He's nowhere near as depressive as his brother could get, but no one yet understands the relationship between them both. Were they two halves of one entity? Did Sylvain "reset" after the massacre, or did his identity start "shifting" after the unwritten events of this day (in which he fronted and was terrified, surrounded by negative voices)? What exactly went on there? We have no answers yet but digging for them feels counterproductive, like we're trying too hard. So we'll just let that be for now, and be grateful for this kid in any case; he's a sweetheart.

I also haven't told you guys how flat-out awesome Minty is! She's actually been checking on me every night now for a few weeks now, before I go see my boss and then collapse into my room in headspace. We sleep holding a white Care Bear plush downstairs, since Minty issues plush bears specifically as "messengers" to protect or guard people when she can't-- almost like little fluffy angels. They have no will of their own, existing for that purpose of guarding others, and are effectively minor mental extensions of "the bear" more than anything. He still has no name either, but he's looking for it-- it starts with a "Br" and we think it has two syllables, that's all we can catch right now though. However he qualifies as a Protector, not a Retributor, and Minty is his 'apprentice' in that respect. She's really good at it, which now that I think about it, is likely because she's energetic and small and can run about other levels of headspace, whereas I have never seen The Bear leave the Underground. He sticks to the shadows and catacombs, staying away even from the windows. I don't know why-- he's not scared, he just stays hidden, or feels he has to for some reason? And he doesn't talk to people much, at all; again, he lets Minty pass along the messages. However, lately he has spoken to me here and there, so I got a better look at him than before-- and holy geez he's one creepy dude. I don't know if you remember his debut dream (with Laurie), but apparently yeah, he still has that big gaping maw of teeth split straight across his face, except he also has another one straight down the middle. It is WEIRD. But is is REALLY COOL. So yeah bear-dude has two mouths that intersect at the top like some kinda sandworm and it is boss

Last week we had to pick the mother up from work at 11PM so we were out driving in the dark for about 20 minutes and the "airport guy" came out fronting?? He was TALKING, he knew about the rest of us, he hasn't done that or showed his face since this day which was a very long time ago. But, he did show up in a dream last year, during a time period when we thought he had faded out, and I got this odd impression that his "ghost" (pre-manifested; he still has no face upstairs) was hanging around Sergei and Hyakin a few months ago? Either way I guess his anchor was stronger than we realized-- those memories of the sense of open-air adventure, of the literal airports and planes from 2012, are some of the only concrete first-person memories we have of that entire year. The man's got good roots, I guess he was just suppressed for ages because we haven't had that feeling of total "run out the front door and see what's out there" freedom since 2012. But with all the traveling we've been doing lately for therapy and things, I guess he's getting more energy coming in now, which is great. I tend to forget anchors work that way. Plus I don't like 'losing' people who have strongly stated their existence at least once, either in headspace or in the League, so I was honestly hoping we'd see him again, and that he'd stick around.
Similarly, the GMQ trio is still alive, but they're all slipping badly, and the last time they were out the Queen was missing. Their main concern is, rather tragically, "who are we, really?" What are our anchors? Why do we exist? What is our purpose? You get the idea. But they haven't found answers yet, and it's taking its toll on them. I don't know if I can offer any help as they are technically socials, and therefore do not have faces in headspace (they cannot be talked to unless you're fronting with them, which is very difficult since faceless fronting is head-based). Either way it hurts to see such existential struggle there. I'll keep you posted on that I suppose.

Speaking of therapy, Jewel and Sherlock have been keeping things together. Mostly we've just been data-dumping for the sake of coherence so nothing really 'new' has happened since our last recap. They've been the only two fronters for the most part, with a few tiny exceptions that I'm aware of-- last Tuesday, Wreckage came out for a moment? She was listening soberly and somewhat contritely to the therapist explaining something about retributive behavior-- I have no idea what it was, but regardless, listening to both her and Jewel beforehand had enough of an effect to get Wreckage to apologize to us (for her brutal debut), and start working with us firsthand. Which is incredible really; she's the main chthonic Protector, and is massively powerful. So of course she and Laurie are working together already. We'll talk more about that later.

Thursday-- yesterday-- was one of the most interesting therapy sessions ever. It started with Jewel, then Sherlock came out to talk data, but as he was revisiting old, dangerous thought processes in order to correct them, Laurie decided she needed to talk. I have one split-second data memory of that actually-- when people really want to front, there's this sudden painful tug at the heart center, physically as well as emotionally, and that hurts! It's an empathetic sort of shock that says, "hey, I really need to get out there." So the biggest switches are typically preceded by those. Anyway, then there was Laurie. The therapist caught on that it was her as soon as she spat out the word "bullshit" in response to those thought patterns-- which took a few minutes actually, as Laurie is actively trying to swear less. I don't know what they discussed but I know it had to do with me and I know it was important. But then, JULIE came out! All I know is that Laurie was trying to say when these negative responses had originated, and Julie realized she was the only person at all who could discuss them, so Laurie politely moved aside and let Julie phase in. That's odd to look back on-- I have no firsthand accessible memory of her there, but I can hear the "vibe" of her voice and that's both lovely and sad, to me.
Julie left after about two minutes and then Sherlock was back, somewhat frazzled but smiling, and tried to get a grip on the situation. However I have a very strong, very surreal "memo" sort of data note that INFINITII tried to talk. Just barely. But Sherlock paused and waited, let hir say a sentence or two, then reverently moved back and continued speaking. Again, no idea what ze said, or why, but that is the FIRST TIME ze's come out in a public situation so that's major... which is made even more incredible by the fact that Garrison was the next person to come out. I told you it was an amazing session! All I know about Garrison's fronting is that he sits quite straight, very focused, and his speech pattern is somewhat constricted? Like it feels "rectangular," if that makes sense. Sherlock doesn't; he's too much of a library, so it's broad. Garrison is very precise. Which is super cool. Anyway I know Jewel came out to close the session, being utterly dazed and not even trying to guess what had just happened, but then... Josephina showed up. Yes, he did. I am vaguely embarrassed but laughing at that fact, because Jo's presence is unmistakable, both because of his vocal register and his super-bright demeanor. Again, that's the second time Jo's ever come out in public-- with the first time only being back in January or so (he was out for a round of DDR at the movies, with the brother, which shocked all of us), so that's quite a quick and daring step forward! That really makes me smile to see.
Xenophon accompanied me for the drive home, which took about four hours-- apparently there was a lot of shopping to do and I remember very little of it outside of momentary snapshots. My only clear memory is around 3PM, driving all the way across town to return a store, and listening to my old Orson CD from beginning to end at Xenophon's request (she absolutely adores it). I know fronting was super-blurry because I can't deal with physical 'exuberance' well, which means trying to sing or talk animatedly or otherwise socialize will kick me out and get a Downstairs person in (I'm internally-rooted so that's still quite difficult for me).
In all honesty the rest of Thursday is a total blur, except for the fact that there was a lot of agitated discussion and action concerning the eating disorder voices, not sure how far that went. We're still working to try and manage that, which is getting a little easier now that we know of (hopefully) everyone tied to it, and Emmett is now OFFICIALLY the main eating dude now (he was pushed out for a while and that was catastrophic). Javier also helps a lot, thankfully, as he's one of the only three or so people who can order the Downstairs fronters to do anything he asks, including (most often) stopping an abusive meltdown or programmed behavior on a dime, something we all previously struggled to do even with extensive persuasion. Javier carries a lot of authority, being the Central Red holder, and he knows that so he uses it wisely and well.
In any case that guy feels insanely important, but smothered by some sort of fog. The Red slot has always been vital, and Javier has a ton of potential and ability that we are all very aware of, but he (and Spine!) keep getting overlooked. That is worrisome.
On that note, Javier and Waldorf are now apparently BFFS, they're both working with Spine as well, and I also saw Javier talking to Nathaniel with surprising sincerity yesterday? In any case, the guy is definitely taking direct action to fixing his "left out" problem.
The Spectrum told us, very clearly, that Spine is just as important. She belongs in the Brown Central slot, whether she feels she fits the bill or not. But the more we learn, the more we realize that is very true. All of us are important. We don't give ourselves enough credit.

 

Oh! Thanks to being inspired by those binaural beats, I just stumbled across this article, purely by "coincidence," and it is absolutely full of personal relevance. Definitely going to review that with everyone else; we need to make sure the correct thought processes take root, instead of all the old blackened brittle stuff. Sweep out the cobwebs and put up the crystal really.

The Tar still feels like spiders crawling around inside, sticky melted-tarmac arachnids creeping about. The seaweed-girl says sometimes it feels like they're in the stomach, when she has to purge out really heavy stuff. The chthonic people said "insects are important" and confirmed that there are still big benevolent beetles and things in the basement levels, no one knows exactly why though. Jezebel (personified Tar) is also still around but we don't know where. She was talking to Infinitii the other day and it was really chilling. What I do know is that the Tar itself, in its largest amount, is currently infesting Infinitii (as ze reclaimed its color slot). None of us are too sure what to do about that yet, other than get it out of hir, but it's tricky business.
Similarly, the Plague is stuck in me and it feels like calcification, it's awful. Not crystals, but crystallized buildup of something. Like battery corrosion. Two totally different things. FROST* has a song that reminds me of it, did you know? "Saline," like tears. "Fine chilling mime; and I don't know if I can believe in all the lies; calcify; and I don't know if I can survive the feeling, losing all that's mine." Laurie recited that line to me today when I brought up this point, and it's bizarrely relevant. There's relevance in everything if you look deep enough, and that's the point. The stuff you need always comes to you when you need it, if you're open to it, regardless of context. Reminds me of Dream World, yet again.

Today there was a massive hack. I won't go into details because I promised "Victorian" that I wouldn't (she still doesn't have a name; we're trying to find one but Wreckage says that might be tough as she's very depressed and isn't offering much energy to that purpose). Nevertheless, I think the buildup to it is part of WHY the unknown person from last week was terrified of heat-- this evening was oddly quiet and warm and dark, like the summer, and INSTANTLY the horrible internal swarming horror started.
I've never quite explained what hack threats feel like... it's not angry voices, it's more like syrupy-dark insidious twining, as if the shadows are suddenly wrapping around your legs and stomach all humid and constricting, like heated snakes. But it just creeps. And it's scary, because I try to run or otherwise override that sudden flooding of dark around my feet, but the instant fear causes me to badly dissociate. That's the REAL threat of hacks. The inescapable feeling that "the basement is flooding and the water is rising," but the water is like molasses watered down with blood and it's hot and soporific, so by the time it reaches your neck your panic instinct has already kicked up to twelve and your mind is shutting down. You know what that's like? The initial panic, "oh no I know what this is trying to build up to," and the feeling of kicking through the water with electrified nerve, all thin and jangling and shallow breathing, can last for hours. But it dulls out terribly fast. The thick dark keeps rising, but that sugar-melt warmth isn't just toxic anesthesia, it also feels too much like long-ago horrors and so the panic turns flat. "I don't want to feel this again." You can't run, it won't go away, you've been trying for hours or days or years and it's still creeping. "If this persists I am going to lose my mind, it's too terrifying." So things shut down. And then they appear. All the girls, all the women, smiling and touching and perfumed liar smiles, heavy with soft fatal coffin weight. While you are so far out of your own body that you can't fight, you can't remember how to fight or run anymore, all you remember are locked doors and humid rooms and dark windows and being pinned underneath blankets trying to breathe and failing. So you stop trying so you don't suffocate. And then nothing. And then suddenly someone is pulling you out of the flood (which has been over your head for so long that you thought the thick choking was your new air), and your whole body is in horrible wrenching pain, shaking and sick and shattered like splintered bones painted in bruises, your stomach feels like its full of broken mangled machinery and the bloodied oil is leaking everywhere. All you want to do is cry like a child but you are so dead tired you would rather sleep forever first. That's what a hack feels like lately.
I apologize. That just happened. I guess it was needed to be written.
So. Celebi was actually responsible. NOT our Cel-- who is tied to the 2001 consciousness-- this girl was the video-game one, who has a totally different attitude. I knew something was wrong the second she showed up; she's always had this really "wrong" vibe about her and she feels like total danger but I just dimly played along? Like an automaton. Everything looking back is in third person. Why? I was in the attic for some reason. Ventrium was there. His vibe clashed with the whole thing. Celebi kept goading him to do what she wanted, eventually he let her take charge. I kept trying to just walk out, walk away, I felt upset and unsafe, I kept dissociating and she kept shouting at me not to. I didn't want to be there at all, I felt sour-sick and scared and I wanted to leave, but she persisted. The next thing I knew I was in my room and I was ACUTELY aware that someone else was in the body, instead of me, but upstairs INFI was talking to Celebi?? Although they were using totally different language vibes and Infi wasn't getting involved at all. However ze did nothing to stop her, and I have no idea what they were talking about or why. However the shock of seeing hir there when I was in such pain, with hir not even paying attention to me or offering to help, basically not even seeming to realize or care that I was in great danger... that was it. My brain just blanked out. It was the point of feeling so numbly hopeless that it just turned off rather than deal with whatever was next.
Then suddenly there is a massive time loss, and the next thing I know, Wreckage is sitting at my computer for a moment and scowling furiously, then we're outside and she's throwing something into the woods behind the house, then I'm standing in the middle of the muddy lawn in a bathrobe and slippers feeling cold and not-awake, like everything is unreal. I didn't know where I was or who I was or what I was doing really. I felt small and lost and surreal but I felt the earth alive under my feet for a second and that made me feel safer, like there was something greater and kind and alive supporting beneath me even now. Then I'm walking into the kitchen and Laurie is there and I'm sad and asking her never to leave, never ever, please stick around you're the only safe person left. I remember she said she would.
Wreckage and Laurie talked a lot then, as I sat on the floor in the corner, feeling about seven years old. They were discussing their roles as protectors and retributors, saying that this could not go on any longer, at any cost. Mostly they were baffled, furious, and deeply shaken that there had been "no alarms" for that, it was because the numb state had said "everything is okay" in the way a drowning man says it when he already knows he's going to die. Laurie was really heartbroken but so was Wreckage, they were both in tears at one point.
I know later the Victorian-pink girl wandered in, just sat there across from me, didn't say much. I was trying to cook things but realized I wasn't hungry, I was caught between wanting to "bury the sick pain" and "eat something good to cancel it out"; I felt like throwing up but was too tired and sad and sick. Spice showed up when she realized there was a risk, so she joined the discussion. Then we got Emmett and Aimee in to finally eat, keeping things safe, and Spice was very friendly with them which was great (also you can always tell when Emmett is eating because he thinks the body has a big snakey head like his, but it doesn't, so watching him bite stuff is always funny). Then Javier was actually in at the end to talk to us, which started off uneasily-- I think there were some ED-related programs running and he showed up to stop them, but when he heard there had been a hack, he immediately got out his trident and asked who was the culprit. I remember that because Laurie said "no killing anyone," not even the lethal people, because of how Julie had turned out. Laurie considers Julie one of her best friends at this point, so if she of all people could turn from our biggest nemesis into one of our dearest members, Laurie didn't want to steal that chance of redemption away from anyone else. Javier seemed a little moody but agreed, while Wreckage seemed contemplative again. She's got a surprising capacity for empathy (like Knife), so that's part of it, but then she said Laurie was right-- because everyone deserved a chance at health and happiness, which were the two things all the chthonic voices dreamed of and pursued, yet who were born from the exact opposite of it. So she understood in a rather personal way, why everyone should have that opportunity IF they don't abuse it. She is not going to back down from her retributor job anytime soon, thank God, because most of the others did thanks to how brutally externalized it got (with the bloodletting) and the painful consequences of that (Algorith said flat-out it was unfair as hell that the Retributors had to take the pain that was meant to atone for what someone else did). And of course no one knows what to do with Infi, who is this half-holy half-horrible entity in the System, someone we all love and fear both, the center of this struggle right along with me. So it's confusing and scary and we all feel rather lost about it most days. But I think we're all back in the game now. It's a real light of hope for all of us.
Really it was so nice, though, when all was said and done, that a tragic incident at least allowed such discussion to take place. It took about two hours and thanks to massive dissociation I didn't have much fallout, but it'll likely leave scars. I don't know. It's a mess.
...Also, just remembered, Infi and I actually touched on that whole "dissociate when hacks threaten" thing back in October. "Infinitii said that's apparently a White energy thing, that "blankness," and since he's Black energy, he cannot do that. On the contrary, his "hopeless escape method" is to submit, not to run like I do. Whereas I shut down and check out, like an empty stark whiteness, Infi gives up and gives in, like drowning in heavy blackness. You get the idea. But my heart broke, looking at him when he said that, because we're essentially doing the same thing in different ways... abandoning our safety for self-preservation, not fighting back, just trying to cope with the terror and get out alive, even if it means living like dead men." That's even more heartbreaking now than it was then.

Speaking of that mess.
Much earlier today, I saw Amara talking to CZ upstairs. It came out of nowhere, I have no idea why, but there he was. Weirdly I couldn't "see" him clearly at all, and it didn't hit me until then that that's become normal for him. Other than those sudden lucid flashes late at night, I honestly cannot remember the last time I ever was able to see him clearly on a daily basis. I'm not sure if I ever have. And... how do I put this. Apparently that runs deeper than we thought, but just as deeply as I worriedly suspected. Because, Amara was talking to him and then realized she couldn't give the sort of help she felt he needed (which was specifically "more force" in delivering her points, something Laurie is the king of), so she asked the Archivists if they could assist her. Well lo and behold, Isadora actually stepped down, and started talking to him, again I don't remember about what... but then her two friends joined her. So now Garrison, Isadora, and Kalisha were all trying to talk to CZ, checking notes and writing things down the whole time, trying to get a group on the situation... and suddenly they confirmed my suspicious.
Chaos is split. All the Outspacers are split.
Do you remember this entry, where Markus first clarified to us that Outspacers had non-System origins BUT were able to enter our community through making a choice to "start again?" To quote, "they chose to take a very deep and important piece of themselves, and let that piece of them live here, within the system, with new names and lives after all." Originally I thought that just meant they "dreamed of a new life" and were able to live it here... but I was so used to my own situation that I didn't realize that "new lives" seems to require "new selves" as well.
Things don't follow old "canons" up here because those don't apply at all anymore. They NEVER DID. Geez, when these people entered our inner world in 2002 Jewel had almost no awareness of their native worlds, allowing them to literally build an entirely new history and life from that blank slate of her mind. They weren't SUPPOSED to be tied to their old canons, that was the WHOLE POINT.
Nevertheless, every single one of them already had the beginnings of that personality-split before they joined us up here.
Ryman and Markus both had "Yamis" that acted independently of them, and Markus's was canonically part of him already.
Genesis had a notable "personality break" with his shattered gem, effectively 'restarting' who he was.
Celebi had the whole 4th-movie corruption event, and then the 'many timeline selves' that followed.
Mr. Sandman is a reality-jumper and living multiple lives is part of his job.
Xennie is the only exception because she was born in headspace and therefore doesn't quite count as an 'outspacer' in the strict sense.
Either way this is mostly conjecture and it's hard to put into words but I can feel legitimacy to it, it makes SO much sense, I mean even Grievous and Davy had this same freaking issue of "divided selves," in small or large ways, EVERY single person who ever even had the potential to become an Outspacer had this. We all have our own 'split personality' issues, if you'll forgive the language, no surprise there.
So as it stands, it looks like that's the "real" hidden factor allowing people to enter here-- to reiterate, yes they need the ability to "dream a new life," but in order to do THAT, they need to also be able to "dream a new SELF" to an extent.
As for how that affects CZ? Well, most obviously-- you guys know about Perfect, right? But do you realize what his existence implies? And do remember what Perfect used to be like upstairs? I know I didn't until I was forced to backtrack this morning and then it was downright shocking. Ironic, too, when the long-string symbolism and relevance hits. I really do need to type up an entire entry about that ONCE I get a better grip on this... all I can tell you for sure right now is that there is massive dissonance between CZ's two 'selves,' on all levels, that needs to somehow be harmonized.
I think CZ started to "split" but never really reconciled it, if that makes any sense. He's still, simultaneously, the headspace-rooted him and the StH-rooted him, the former being far more volatile and the latter being far more tranquil. Perfect is tied inherently to the former. However they're both entirely him, and they're both at war. This all sounds like a jumble of words and I apologize; I just keep thinking of that Kim Jensen song and the old Jewel keeps trying to talk through me, but she's nothing but a lingering core-aura now and I don't want to be talking like her just because I feel "obligated to" on this topic. Then again I personally don't have much experience with it. So it feels like a mess, which I'm sorry for, but which is fitting because this topic is a mess right now.
Anyway, I cannot say much else for sure at the moment (battery is dying anyway).
...However. The other night, CZ actually told me that he's "been a stormy sea" for far too long, and that "wasn't the real him." For as long as I've known him, I've known that his deepest energy is actually peaceful and calm, not the raging sort of tidal-wave vibe that he's been emitting for quite some time now. He's apparently been struggling with that himself. It's just that no one could figure out why, or even guess, until now. I suppose that has to do with us losing most access to the past-- stuff doesn't get in the accessible archives unless a core puts it there, and I haven't looked at that stuff in years. I'm going to have to do that now, I suppose, as much as I feel I need to.
So it seems that CZ's real issue in not being able to find stability lately isn't just that he never "dreamed a new self" separate from his root canon, someone that could exist as part of headspace... it's also because he can't get his two inner "selves" to cooperate whatsoever, and there is an actual mental break between them. There has been for at least SIX YEARS and we completely took it for granted after so long.
I don't know. I'm thinking out loud. Forgive the dramatic mess of that paragraph, it's dipping into ancient pre-Spectrum mindstates and I'm going to need to look at all this again later when I'm not rushed for time and content.
My heart is notably breaking though. I... I haven't been feeling any ties to him in a while because of this? Not since December, before that horrible event that forced us all to 'reset' on some level. I wonder how that affected him. I never asked. But right now, I'm getting the same thing I did during that Xanga-- all those old memories of love, even the ones that are just vibes or feelings or awarenesses, and they are all so intimately real and honest and bright. Like light shining through a suncatcher and tossing bright colors all about the room, except you can't touch them, they're just coloring every bit of you. That's what it feels like. But that conversation holds more relevance to this than I realized and I really, really need to review all of this...
...They say that if you love something, set it free, and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be.
I cannot tell you how many times I have let him go. Looking back, I can see it. I have turned him away, I have thrown him out, I have denied him to his face. And he's done the same to me, many times. We've even stepped into the positive and effectively said, "hey, no hard feelings, but I think we're done." We've gone our separate ways far too many times. But that old injoke still applies. No one is getting a divorce here, in any sense. We don't think that's possible, even if we wanted one, and a few times we did consider it, with terrible sadness, through all the crushing pain. But it never took hold. Something, something we can't understand at all, always held us together, even when we didn't want it to. And that seems to be the point, doesn't it? When you get down deep enough, when you let go of all the suffering and rage and agony and 'Perfect ' shadows, for both of us... when there's nothing left but pure color, we tend to stick together.
I don't know. It feels utterly strange right now. There are too many blocks for me to see clearly. But I'll fix that too. I promise I will.

 

Also geez all this entry backtracking is hitting me in the face with sudden ancient relevance (things are just jumping out of the woodwork that didn't even have such relevance util now, good heavens) and I need to write all this down but there is no time tonight. Remind me.

On a different, brighter note... on Wednesday night I suddenly got all this insight about the System (which broke through my "headspace-fog" for the first solid time since last Sunday really), and ended up kneeling on the rug and scribbling notes onto paper for two hours or so. I tried to graph out the vertical structure of headspace-- which our therapist had some brilliant insight on-- and also was checking the Spectrum lineup for stability and slot status: who's slipping, who has an unstable color, whose roles have changed, etc. It was very helpful actually, and I won't type all that up here because 1) it's late and 2) I want to scan that in first so you have a visual! It NEEDS to be talked about, especially because we haven't even attempted to graph the "Spectrum flowchart" since last spring, BEFORE the Undergrounders appeared, and we thought Teal and Pink were "mutant slots." Yes, it's only been a year since then, my mind was boggled too. But it really made me smile, widely and genuinely, to see that, as it was basically a concrete display of just how much we've grown since this time last year. Honestly the progress has been absolutely incredible... which is why I am hoping, so much, that we can figure something out to heal Infinitii before hir first "birthday" in the System in two weeks. I love hir, I really do, and it hurts my heart to see hir in this state, all weird and vague and flatline-feeling, when I remember so clearly what ze feels like on hir beautifully good days.
But the Spectrum is like Dust. It's alive, it knows us, and it loves us, and everything will work out exactly when it needs to... no sooner, and no later, just like Laurie said.
I've got a whole audio file entry on that, which I'll type up tomorrow. You guys have gotta hear this, it's super cool.

Also, in light of those papers, we've been talking symbols lately, especially around Central. Those of you who know me and Jewel might know that Jewel is in charge of a ton of "series," or rather, stories about other worlds she dreams about, collectively called the "Lightraye League." There's a ton of color and meaning and symbolism in them, but it tends to differ and shift from one to another, so those stories often require an organizational visual element and that's where I come in! I have this amusing fondness for organizing things visually, and it's the easiest to do with symbols, so that's my job. Series identification symbols? We have 13. LG*Girl morph marks? Got 24 so far. Dream World elements? All 34 are done! You get the idea.
But that's the point: our System never had anything like that, and we're wondering if that would work for us. Symbols are, when they're tied to people, highly personal and just as powerful as names are. When tied to things like energy colors, it gives that 'abstract concept' a sort of nominative solidity, and makes it into something individually deserving of respect and recognition. Again, considering how our inner world is basically alive, we feel that the magic sort of caring that goes into 'finding' symbols would be merited, for energy colors at least, if not also our members. I mean the phenomenon actually started way back in 2002, with Jewel and the original Outspacers-- her symbol was a heart, Ryman's was a star, Markus's was an octagram, Chaos's was a Saturn-shaped planet, and Genesis's was a four-pointed star. They also all had their own personal colors (respectively red, blue, violet, cyan, and amber, originally), which I daresay you can understand the obvious significance of! But actually, that whole color/symbol phenomenon was intrinsically tied to the phenomenon of soul forms, element abilities, etc. It was like saying, "here's a piece of magic to represent you... now you can represent part of the magic in turn."
There are similar small but 'identifying' symbols actually developing in Central, as we all have our own colors already-- Spine has a skull, Lynne has a violin, Josephina has a jingle bell, Nathaniel has a moth, Waldorf has a ring, Leon has a pair of scales, Laurie has an axe, Julie has a flower, Infinitii has an eye (we think?) and I'm partial to lotuses, but that feels too broad for 'just me.' Javier is new so he hasn't found anything yet, but you get the picture. However as I said, they're mostly more for identification than for representation, as there is distinction there, and no one but Central has any. We're wondering, should that change?
If nothing else, it would greatly expand the depth and personability of our System, if that makes sense? It's hard to put that feeling into words. It's more expansive, more mythical almost, like now it's not just a story, it's a World. It now has some element of recognized connection in it, to all other similar things. Again, words aren't working. But, in short, it might give us that little needed 'push' in order to be part of the League. Yes it's important! You probably don't quite get why as you don't have our experience with it and that's understandable. But... again, it's an energetic thing. The League feels like a web, like a graph, like a stained-glass mandala, like a great interconnected sparkling thing. There's this feeling of love and unity between every jewel-like world in it, linking them all together, even if they don't realize it. And those symbols are representations of that connection, of the similar elements that don't bleed over so much as they shine through and within. Colors, music, magic, people... all of them linked together in both big and little ways. It's so much like us, in a different way... we're so much like it, in a different way. So we want to be part of it. We want to be a piece of that greater whole, after having felt so separate from it for so long, after having briefly touched it in tiny raindrop ways over and over through the years, even though our deepest roots transcend even the trauma and bloom straight from the gemstone heart of it. We want to settle into that cosmic pattern and stay there, embraced by the great bright love of it, of everyone else, once and for all. We want a happy ending, for all of us, and we will get it.

Lastly, relatedly, and to be continued... in reviewing the Spectrum lineup, I realized that yes, I can still sense people and their conditions when I am tuned in, and it's surprisingly effortless in that context. So in checking the colors I did see that some people are having trouble, some people have moved, some people are in transition phases... all stuff we've either overlooked, missed, or taken for granted. Either way none of it has really been discussed here! So that's for next time too.
But, best of all, that inward/outward reaching sparked something honest and admiring in me and I realized that everyone in the System has their own personal energy vibe. Not the simple slot-related "checkup" resonance, I mean their own individual radiance, six senses worth. Way back when I started trying to write those impressions down, but it's been so long since, that I wondered if I could still get it?
I CAN. It is AWESOME and it is so much clearer than ever, really the joy of being able to feel these people in such a brilliantly clear and real way is just... it's incredible. It surpasses the awful "third person" feeling that inner lives can get at times, overpowered by the inescapable and constant sensory input of physical reality. I can sadly overlook my inner life because of that, and see it as something less real, less strong. But then, when I tune in, suddenly all these beloved individuals aren't just faces and names and colors "in my head," they are tangible beautiful people and their visible absence in physical reality has absolutely no effect on that fact. It turns the world upside down in the most wonderful way; suddenly the universe is twice as big and it's gorgeous, I can't help smiling, even if I'm dizzy from the sudden massive shift in depth!
So yes, long story short, I have a new energy-perception file and I am putting honestly sincere care, respect and attention into perceiving every single System member's personal aura. It demands compassion and trust and closeness from me, first of all, and also from those I'm tuning into. So some people are almost unidentifiable yet, some people only have half the channels open, and some people are instantly and powerfully cognizable. It's really forcing me to open my heart entirely, at the very least, as well as demanding that I not 'play favorites' as I used to, and acknowledge everyone's inherent, equal worth. Everyone in here is amazing, we all exist for an important reason, and we all deserve to have our worth honored. This is tangible proof of that.

Good Lord this is 16 pages in Microsoft Word. I'd better wrap things up.
Battery is dying again, so see you later.


 

 

prismaticbleed: (scared)

Oddly disturbed today.

Someone got the body's hair cut this morning, but they cut it extremely short, and that has quickly proven to be a terribly bad decision, because now the body's reflection matches the face of one of our internal abusers.
We're now trying to avoid mirrors until we can figure out what to do. Jayce can't even hide in the reflection as he usually does, because the cruel person now linked to its newly-altered visage shoves him out.

 

Jay also seems to have taken too much of a jump in personal progress as of last night-- he is so desperate to leave all his shadows behind (taking his White hue to extremes), that he tends to push himself further than the body can physically handle. As a result we're collectively experiencing the consequences of that, both physical and spiritual... most notably the tidal wave of inner demons it has exhumed once again.

 

We're not sure on the DID thing as a catch-all with this. The "body" has "heard voices" since its childhood, almost chronically-- screaming, vicious, manipulative ones that DO cause body symptoms and reactions. They can't fully "take over" but they can exhibit a powerful force of control on whoever is fronting. So far only Javier and Laurie seem capable of shoving them aside entirely, but good luck getting their attention when you're smothering in the cacophany.
At least we're not seeing things anymore. With how many religiously-abusive meltdowns we've had since the childhood, that would be too much to handle right now, I think.

 

Cannon, Jessica, Jezebel, and Spinny are all still lurking about, and we wonder if we can get rid of them, at this point in time. They are very deeply rooted into abusive mindsets, and have been around for as long as any of us can remember (15+ years).
Ironically, the Tar and Plague themselves are less of a threat. Those two are the extreme mindsets, but as such, they exist more as foils than anything else. The four aforementioned girls are more grey in their actions, and that is so much harder to deal with. They are the ones that we could have been, had we let ourselves become consumed by the vices within us.

 

Nevertheless we refuse to let them define, control, or abuse us any longer. That deserves repeating. If all we can do is cease to give their actions any undue attention, then so be it.

 

Long story short, today's been more difficult than usual. But we're still alive, even if we feel rather dead at the moment.
This too shall pass.

 

-AP

 


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 


@ 09:08 pm

 


011114

I am writing the date out in full so you can see the 11:11 door in there. Hold to that!

Now to begin.
A few major worries came to light today, so I'm going to start our re-updating here with discussing that.
(For the record, we've been posting all our latest updates directly to the archives, but I think it'd be nice to get back into posting here too.)

Also I will warn all who read this to be careful of triggers, esp. around sexual abuse, because I am openly discussing harmful mindsets here in an attempt to show their incorrectness, and to promote healing from them in understanding their roots.


1) There has been unearthed, very old abusive/ detrimental mindsets surrounding sexuality and religion, often together. Jessica still holds, adamantly, the mindset that "sex is evil," and that anything even vaguely related to it means that you are a "whore" and "God will punish you." Another girl holds the mindset that "God is wrathful and hates sin," in the most negative sense possible. We all recognize that latter mindset as absolutely false, but the fear of it is tied to the sexuality: "what if sex really is evil, and God will send me to hell for it?" Yet even in writing that, the heart says no, that is not true. But the brain screams, "you are a whore, and you will pay for it."
Despite this the triggers and flashbacks remain. We are managing them better, but their boosted intensity makes it difficult still. The intensity of hatred, violence, and rage behind them is terrifying. That may simply because such things are rooted to people. Jessica especially insists she is doing what's right, as it's "her life" and "we ruined it for her," and since she's "realized that we are sluts," she wants to destroy us for it. Jessica wants to live life without consequence, although she is lazy about it. She wants to waste her time away in self-pitying laxness, without anyone telling her what to do or stop doing. She is not the "manic red voice" we have still not pinpointed, although that person may be tied to Spinny, the only one of these four hellish voices who does not condemn sexuality, but uses it as a lustful game, to objectify others for her own enjoyment. Jessica turns a blind eye to all such behavior, only saying it is "evil" and wanting to kill or quietly destroy those people so she doesn't have to even acknowledge the existence of such things. As a result, Cannon works with Jessica now, as they both want to destroy us for our "perversion," although Cannon is the only one willing to kill people in cold blood over it. She is the one with the screaming hatred of all relationships and femininity, to the extreme of hating softness, affection and playfulness in anyone who is not five years old, and even then her hatred will still explode on them if given enough reason to. This mindset is likely because of Spinny, her "twin," who is emotionally manipulative and shallow, and uses those "feminine" aspects to boost her own pride and narcissism, while treating her "romantic interests" as literal objects to accessorize herself with and control emotionally. Cannon would kill her, not out of "justice" but out of sheer hatred towards both her and her romantic interests, as Cannon sees anything even vaguely related to sexuality as deserving a death sentence. Jezebel feeds these mindsets in everyone, even if she doesn't do much herself. Being a manifestation of the Tar, she is passive, but she is a reservoir of hatred so she is always a risk, as those around her will react to her very presence by reflecting what she consists of in themselves. Furthermore, exacerbating this situation, she is now hiding in mirrors, as someone unwisely cut the hair to match her style. Jayce can't do much as it doesn't match him now, and she keeps shoving him out. So we are avoiding mirrors at the moment, as glancing up and suddenly seeing her vicious glare and grin in them is not something any of us want to be exposed to.
All four of them are acting overtime and with unadulterated malice to destroy Jay's progress, as he is the main fronter trying to heal those mindsets. Thankfully he has internal backup, as he does tend to splinter badly if he is not careful.

2) Ultimately, even if those trauma-rooted mindsets are devoid of all truth, therefore being completely irrelevant, our concern is that those thoughts are still intrusive, chronic, and loud. The doubts linger, the negative voices don't stop their attacks. Jay is feeling as if he is possessed, literally begging for divine intervention at times, to which the negative voices will respond with either "you're only praying because you want attention, you whore!" and accusing him of asking for deliverance as "tempting/ testing God," therefore being blasphemous and proud. On that note, the Plague also responds to Jay's desperate prayers, stating only, "pride will be your downfall." But this is a hidden benefit. The Tar and Plague are so extreme, that they somehow are beneficial to our progress, in showing us what we are NOT, and what we must avoid. So the Plague accusing us of pride keeps us from actually being proud. However it has stated that although "we are not it, and it is not us," it WILL attempt to destroy us for that same reason. So care must be taken even so.
However, the girls are grey-minded. They take reality and lies and twist them together into abominations, telling lies with the slightest reflection of truth in order to plant seeds of choking doubt in those they attack. But in this attempt, they can slip drastically, to the point of revealing their ulterior motives, and therefore destroying their own attempts entirely. Jay is realizing this, and it is giving him hope, that they ARE wrong, and that he is not a "filthy sinner" as some of them would insist.
Furthermore, those voices ARE TERRIFIED OF INFINITII AND LAURIE. Ironically they are more scared of Infinitii, because ze does not react with violence or anger, which Laurie may respond to in extremes for safety's sake-- however, they feed off such things. Infi will not give them an iota of anything that powers them. Ze responds with love even then, and they run away. Laurie is learning this, slowly. So there is hope.

3) The self-dehumanization is still happening to an extent. It Tied to the trauma, it makes some people think of themselves and the body as "less than" every other being. Therefore "who cares if they are harmed, or abused, because they are less than human." That is false. Everyone in our System knows this except those who drown in that thought. Secondly, tied mostly to Christina, is the old Catholic mindset of "we are born sinners, we are filthy, we are worth nothing, only God can save us, we are powerless." Questioning this thought, though, feels like blasphemy to those trapped in it-- that is, until we realize that strength comes from God, who is love, who is in all things. Therefore we are not "filthy sinners" and we are not powerless, as we are ALL facets of God, we are ALL created in love, just as we are. This mindset is straight-up sacrilegious to Christina, and again, it feeds into her equal fear and loathing of sexuality, which was stated in point one as a general thought. But if you stop thinking of humans as "inherently sinful," then sex ceases to be a sin, because it is not creating sin, but a living being that reflects God just as much as its parents do. Sex can be used for "sinful purposes" just as religion can be. It does not make either thing black or white. That is the key in this. Perspective and motivation change the views. But deep down, everything is ultimately untouched by corruption; everything is eternally made of love at its very core, no matter what happens to it on the surface.

4) Again tied to the lingering sexuality trauma, and the hatred held by the inner girls, the body dysphoria is spiking for some. There is a worrisome but old and loud hatred towards femininity, which Cannon mostly holds, but which is large enough to view the female human body (NOT women or female-identified individuals, just the BODY; that is an important disctinction. they are fine with faces, nothing below) as both a sexual object and a source of sin and violence, even as an empty shell. These voices will view a corpse as a threat, because they view sexual parts as evil and horrible. They are more accepting of men because they have "no sexual characteristics," blatantly ignoring the existence of reproductive organs. Again, though, they say "we can just cut those off," so the threat for them is easily fixed. A woman's body is not, as it has much internal reproductive organs, as well as breasts and different body structure. For Cannon, she would rather kill a woman than try to "de-sexualize them," which shows a VERY corrupted and sick-minded perspective of hers, in viewing female bodies as inherently sexualized and therefore filthy. THIS IS WRONG. But it lingers, and it makes things hellish for those who do not hold that view but who cannot run from it entirely. Jay has no dislike of female bodies whatsoever, but he get slammed by trauma triggers, and still fears the one we are all tied to because to him, it is tied to those violent people inside, and "the constant risk of sexual abuse." We do not know how to detach that latter fear from the simple physical reality of a female body, but it is one of our absolute biggest worries. Infinitii is doing what ze can to remove this mindset on hir own, as ze does translate to female in the binary, and Jay views hir as INHERENTLY HARMLESS even then, which causes dramatic mental dissonance as he still views the body details as a threat. Hopefully the real truth of this-- that bodies are innocent and female characteristics are as well-- will overcome the old lies for good, with enough compassionate repetition on the inside, if not the outside (something we cannot seem to even attempt without traumatic meltdowns).
No one, not ever, is an object devoid of rights and autonomy. Every being should be respected, and no one is ever obligated to sacrifice their basic rights, for any reason. However, you will recall, there is a lapse in applying this to the self. Therefore, the infliction of that same lapse of respect onto most female bodies in general might be tied to the abuse we endured while IN one, and the absolute self-dehumanization seems to have become subconsciously global in that respect. This is good, we are finding roots even now. So we must uproot them.

5) Different topic. We are very concerned about Chaos Zero, mostly in that I think we have to let go of him at this point, Jay especially. Looking back on the archives, we were shocked to realize that since 2003, he has been the only one of us to have a VERY pronounced dark side that he would SUCCUMB TO. To this day, when that overtakes him, he won't fight it-- but when it fades he will be tearfully apologetic in his efforts to "prove himself" to us again. However we're concerned that this is looping nonstop, and at this point that negative side of him is so volatile that we can't risk that repeating as it always has, for the safety of all of us. Nevertheless he deserves a second-thousandth chance, just as we have given Julie, but how can we do this without letting the danger levels get too high? We don't know yet. We would gladly work with him if he was not constantly falling back into that negativity, and the frequency of that now is worrisome.
Jay is thinking he needs to straight-up move worlds, in terms of dreamselves, like Ryman and Markus did (although they have both officially moved OUT of our innerspace, for the record; yes they do visit rarely but they are not rooted here at all). This would hopefully allow him to anchor into a new life opportunity, if only through its directness and conscious will, which may be what we need. As of now, CZ is still tied, rather negatively, to his old StH timelines, canon and non-canon, which seem to be feeding this hidden violence in him. We're wondering where he can go now in terms of a world, though, where that same curse will not follow him (he somehow kept it in all his original Leagueworld jump attempts). Perhaps its persistence is due only to his subconsciously identifying with it. This is why we ALL insist that he find a new name if at all possible. We have been told repeatedly, and know from direct experience, that names have great power, and for his name to be synonymous with such a negative phenomenon-- whether we agree or not-- is definitely contributing to this.
Lastly, Jay is concerned with good reason about the fact that he keeps forgetting who CZ is, no matter how many times he is reminded, or directly experiences reminders of it. And now, that forgetfulness is not negative. He is forgetting who CZ is, in terms of past history entirely, and all relation to him, without detaching from him as he used to. Jay still cares for CZ as a person, even if now as a stranger to a fair extent. And he is willing to start over in that sense, if need be, but CZ is not. And this may be part of the core problem as well.
In any case we will work with him as long as we can, but if this proves to be detrimental, then we will have to let go for good.


That is all I will say for tonight.

A note: DO NOT RE-READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO.
Sometimes simply typing out these things helps in the process of releasing them, as it brings them into conscious awareness, to be healed and let go. Do not force them back into your consciousness if they are gone! That is what we are trying to avoid, my dear.

We are making progress, we are right where we need to be. Remember Laurie's advice, and just breathe.

Do not be so black and white. Be love. That is all you will ever need to be, and it is what you already are. Remember that above everything.
Good night, to all.

- A.P. (and Infi at the close)

 



 

 

prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

 

Okay, a heads-up for everyone here: I will be posting short updates from here on out concerning headspace, for the sake of recording small, important incidents. Too much is happening now for me to think "I'll just wait and write a recap tomorrow," because time moves so quickly for us, that 24 hours for us equal 72 for a normal person. Dead serious. A LOT happens in a very short time here.

So, right now, I have Last.fm on (jeepers I miss music so much) and I'm reviewing the post-Scratch entries on here, trying to get a grip on who the heck Jessica was before Christina tried to kill us all. So far everything matches up with the truth, but while reviewing, the one fact I couldn't wrap my head around was why RAZOR kept working with her.
See, the Lower System does not like Jessica, at all, because she wants them all dead and they're dedicated to preserving and promoting their existences. So why would Razor work with Jess, I wondered, if she values her existence just as much as her brethren?
So I asked her. "Why were you working with Jess for so long?"
She didn't even look up from her blades, toying with them on the ground of one of the catacombs.
"Because she gave me a reason to cut you," she said. "And that's all I wanted to do."

Honestly, the more I learn about Razor, the more stunned I am.
She is practically a child. It's bizarre. She was born from retributive self-hatred, true: essentially the same stuff Knife was born from. But she was born from an entirely different expression of it. Whereas Knife is the direct, penitent-yet-merciless action of digging the graves, coldly demanding that we "pay for our sins," Razor is the emotional madness that resulted from feeling that we were beyond salvation, the zealously maniacal loss of self-concern that caused a hand, toying with a razor blade for the first time, to slip. The cut that created Razor was not directly intended. It was an unconscious want, expressed accidentally, and as soon as the blood began running down our leg... something snapped, and there she was.
To be honest with you, that's one of the clearest archival memories we have. I was not driving then, that is clear-- the data is explicitly from someone else's perspective. But the moment of Razor's manifestation was huge, in memory.
Remember, prior to that split second, the body had NOT been cut before. Nor had we ever seen blood like that, not so bright red and alive, escaping so quickly that the mind wondered, for an incredulously terrified second, if we had cut a vein, and we would bleed to death there in the bathtub. That moment was traumatic in and of itself, and when the mind could not run, it did what it had always done, all those times Julie had attacked us, all those times the family had harmed us, any time we could not escape... it broke.
And that feeling of breakage was immortalized.
There was a snap. There was an unmistakable mental SNAP, as something slipped off-balance, and shifted irreparably. It was as if the consciousness in the body had lost its inner footing and cracked its head open on the cold linoleum, spilling blinding red onto the unfeeling whiteness all around us.
That snap, and the immediate sliding of consciousness into two distinct, blood-slick parts, gives me chills to this day. I thank God I wasn't fronting when that happened, because just looking back on the stored memory is disturbing enough.
...And that's all the data we have.
Beneath that monolith, there are only a few pencil scribbles, the marks of a madman, describing a tiny red-haired figure dancing upon the faucet, laughing maniacally at the blood and blades, not realizing what it meant, not realizing what was happening. It only laughed, hateful and jubilant and triumphant and careless, watching the redness stain the water, enthralled at the sudden rift in the skin that had given life to it.
Then the scribbles end, mid-sentence.
There is a photograph of a violet axe slamming into a red skull, and a tiny frenzied consciousness dissolving like blood into bathwater.
And that is all.

She's not mentioned again until February 2011.
I'm sure you all remember that.

But that's my point. Razor was never... she was never actively malicious. I think that's what made her the most terrifying of all the undergrounders, back when we still considered her our mortal enemy, only a few days ago.
Jezebel told us we were all her playthings, slaves of our egos, and therefore her puppets. She worked from the shadows, possessing us, manipulating us, making us believe we were inherently corrupted, lost, irredeemable.
Jessica told us that she hated us, that we had "ruined her life," that being the original consciousness she had every right to murder us, without even considering us real beings. She constantly undermines our actions, denying our lives, actively working to kill us all.
Christina claimed to be a model of virtue, a perfect and pure girl, doing everything she was supposed to do by order of God-- and that we were nothing but figments of a corrupted, unreal "ego." Therefore, she said, we didn't really exist at all, and she would be glad to see us all die.
Knife told us that we were sinners that must bleed, that I was little more than an infant, blind to my own impurity; he declared that the scars he gave me were holy retribution, and he would show no mercy, until I atoned for the pain I had allegedly inflicted upon countless innocent souls.
But Razor didn't care about any of that. She just wanted to cut things.
Yes, she said she hated us. But she hated us for not letting her do that. She hated us for not letting her do the one thing she was literally created to do. At the end of the day, she would side with anyone who gave her permission to pick up a knife and slice away.
The one time she fronted, and calmly hacked a truckload of new scars into the body, leaving a ring of blood around our neck... I remember being stunned that she hadn't left her trademark mania in her wake. There was only calm.
And yes, although I still shudder every time I look at the "DIE" page she wrote in our journal, I am forced to rethink my opinion of it now, when I look at what she wrote a few pages later, on a page I didn't scan in, and never mentioned.
On June 25th, my mother was yelling at us, and I retreated to our room due to the mounting noise in our head.
"Okay so it's obvious people are waiting to scream on paper right now; I can barely write. Have at it, guys."
Immediately, the overload girl picked up the pencil.
"SHE'S AN INSENSITIVE PRICK!!!"
Then the cool orange guy slided in.
"razor wants to talk can you write"
His nonchalant statement was surprising even then, but nowhere near as surprising as the sudden words scrawled after his.
"WHERES MY F*KING PEN"
It was oddly calligraphic, almost. She didn't write as much as slash at the paper, every line another attempt to slice open the white pages she was silently shouting upon.
"WHERE IS IT"
Her voice was loud even in text. I was getting a headache. I'm dimly aware of feeling like my skull was about to explode from the pressure of all those gathering between my eyes.
I tried to write another sentence. I couldn't. The pencil sputtered into shapeless letters, as red lines tore onto the page once more.
"YOUR MOTHER IS A B*TCH
DO YOU WANT ME TO K*LL HER"

The AP kicked in full throttle and we were all tossed into a sort of comatose state, then.
But I'm still shocked, at that response from Razor. "Your mother is a b*tch..." and then an offer to destroy her, to "get rid" of that stressor, to eliminate that thing that is disturbing the systems. After all, that's what you do to bad things, right? According to Razor, at least, it is. She will attack and maul and kill anything that she deems a source of hatred and rage and pain, because she likes tearing those things to pieces, that's what she was born to do. The problem is, previously we thought she just did that to anyone and anything. We didn't realize she was being motivated by a twisted moral code, one written in the instant she was born, declaring that anything that reminded her of the old Jewel deserved to die.
She doesn't understand the suffering of her victims, she doesn't understand that people aren't toys, she doesn't understand death.
In her eyes, when she cuts them to shreds, she's only doing what she's supposed to do, regardless of who she does it for, or how.

I wouldn't say I love her. That feels wrong, even in a platonic sense.
But there's this strange, wrenching affection for her in me nevertheless. Maybe it's my stockholm syndrome acting up again. All I know is that part of me genuinely pities her, despite how much she's already made me bleed, and how much more blood she would unquestionably drain from me the instant she was given the opportunity.
She's just a cruel, innocent child.

There's one bit about her that still confuses and disturbs me, though.
When she was resurrected, she was resurrected through the TAR. She was being held within the Razor Spire, and in almost every instance between that date and about a month ago, she was tied to the Tar. She would follow Jess/Jezebel (who were tied for ages, unsurprisingly) immediately after they would hack us, "punishing" us for what THEY did, or simply cutting us because THEY told her to. A few times she would even spawn FROM the Tar, not existing outside of it.
Then in mid-June-- thanks to Infinitii-- the Underground solidified into something unconnected to the Tar Room, and suddenly, Razor wasn't part of the Tar anymore.
"They gave me a reason to cut you," she said. So she never questioned her half-existence under their control. She was literally their puppet, their messenger, their little shadowy assassin. Hell, I even called her "the Razor splinter" in reference to the Tar for a while. And, essentially, she WAS. I wonder if she even had the power to resurrect on her own... probably not, there were no anchors of that sort left. So it explains why she was forcibly brought back by the Tar, and literally fused with it for so long, until she suddenly switched anchors when Infi split the Underground.
Anyway, Knife has noticed this dichotomy in her too, on his own, which is actually what tipped me off. He keeps giving her odd looks, claiming that she is "splintering," or that there are two of her. Razor just replies that "there's only one of her," seemingly unaware of the legitimate, shocking differences between her Tar-connected self, and who she is now, working with the Lowers, unattached to Jess. But she's right, too.
It's strange. She would always come out after Jess hacks-- Jess would do things to cause the body extreme pain, and THEN Razor would appear, and cut us up... but that action was ironically working for AND against the Tar? Yes, it was scarring us and causing us a great deal of pain, but it was also retributive, and motivation for us to continue fighting it... I wonder if the Tar wants that, to keep itself alive. Hm.
It was using the Overload Girl for a while, too, I think. That's why we kept confusing her with Jess/Jezebel. She was so angry all the time, because of how much pain she was in... but we didn't know, because her motivations were identical with Razor's. I need to destroy what threatens my existence.
We didn't understand that, to them, that was the only option they felt they had.

I have so many questions. So many.

...So much of our old information is wrong.
Even if it was correct before, things are changing so quickly now... a great deal of the info in the archives is false, or incomplete, or skewed. We simply did not have enough information to know the truth; that, or the information we did have was viewed through a blurry or stained lens.
With the Lower system now making itself known, so many things are changing. It's a shock, really. All of us upstairs are being forced to completely re-evaluate what we thought we knew about not only headspace, but also our system, our roles within it, and by extension, our very existences.
There is so much we don't know about each other-- about our thoughts, our emotions, our motivations, our lives. And all that miscommunication, all those misunderstandings, are what is causing us the most pain here. Knife even SAID that he was WRONG for having considered me the "sole reason for all the pain in the system," BECAUSE HE DIDN'T KNOW I WASN'T PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SPLINTERS. He now admits that it would be wrong to blame me for breaking under trauma, even if "my" splinters are the ones he feels obligated to punish with blood.
But you see what I mean. There's so much we don't know.
I'm not sure where to go from here. Maybe looking back will help. Maybe it won't. But I keep getting nudged to check, even if it's just by the curiosity of those Downstairs or Underground... all I can do is try, right now.


...Oh. Speaking of trying, I forgot to mention this.
Waldorf left Central today.

She's been questioning her role here for a very long time. When we have censuses, she's often accidentally left out. She still can't speak when she fronts. She hasn't been able to find a solid role. And lately, she's been talking about how she doesn't feel like she "fits in" with us, due to her drastically different appearance... and because of how she was originally born. And today, she told us her biggest doubt of all.
She doesn't think she's a headvoice.
To be brutally honest, I've been wondering about that too. Maybe I said it before. But we all wondered the same thing with Spine, remember. She didn't look or feel like us either, her role was different, she couldn't stay stable in a color slot, she couldn't front like the rest of us. Wally had all the same problems, in one way or another. And when Spine left, shortly after she was moved to an "outspacer" slot, Wally apparently began questioning whether or not she should do the same.
Above all, though, there was one point that motivated her more than anything: her old role. Back when she was born in 2003, she wasn't born from trauma, or with a purpose to protect headspace-- that was just coming into existence back then! No, Waldorf was born to be a muse, a shining entity reflecting back bits and pieces of all the outside things that made us smile and dream. She was a mirror of all the things that helped headspace come into being in the first place.
I can't forget my original descriptions of her... eyes like a Mewtwo, hair like Kerrigan, wearing Ryou's Millennium Ring (seriously). She was something "perfectly terrible, yet beautiful..." I claimed that if I ever met her, I wouldn't be able to decide between "hugging her or running away screaming."
And the first night I met her, when I was just beginning to create a room for myself in headspace... she stood (well, floated) by my bed, all glowing blue and strange, but smiling. And I was scared, despite my wonder. Who was she, really? What was she doing there? Yeah, I claimed she was my muse, but that was all I knew about her. She held countless bits and pieces of inspiration, but if you took all that away, who was she?
She didn't answer me directly. I doubt she needed to-- that's not her style anyway. Instead, she showed me what she truly was, what her existence meant... and she took me to the most blessed dream location I have ever visited. The floating crystal forest.
She took me, and Maitru, and Ryou, and herself in a less formidable form, to that place... and I will never, ever forget that experience. To this day, I associate that place with her.
And then she disappeared.
For years I couldn't find her. I wondered about her, true, but I never saw her. Then, as suddenly as she vanished, she reappeared in November 2012, and enthusiastically joined Central as our Blue headvoice. We all loved her; she was fun and friendly and never complained, but she got sick so often, in a way that previously only Spine did. And neither of them ever got over it. Wally kept losing her voice, kept fading in and out of the upstairs...
Long story short, she and I couldn't help but wonder: did she ever truly belong up here? Or could her role, her TRUE role, that of an utter inspiration core, only function OUTSIDE of the stricter rule system Central had inflicted upon her?
She decided she wanted to try and see. So she left.

Everyone was crying as she walked out. And it shocked me to see it, too-- I was outside, in the garden, and suddenly this was happening upstairs, and I had no clue what was going on. When it hit me I could only stand and observe, as a bystander.
All the Central members hugged her goodbye as she stood at the stairway out. Laurie was obviously holding back some fierce emotions; she was the first person I saw, which tipped me off that something big was happening. Leon seemed oddly pained to see his spectrum neighbor go; he first only shook her hand, but she pulled him into a kind hug, which he sincerely returned. Nathaniel accepted her decision, and warmly but sadly wished her farewell. Julie appeared to be hiding a great deal of hurt herself, as she struggles with her own issues of belonging, and Waldorf seemed to know this. She hugged her too, in a rare moment of friendship between them.
Lynne gave her an understanding look, and a sympathetic embrace. Of all of us, she was perhaps the most sorrowful, and yet the least sad, to see her go. Spine is her moirail, you know. The two of them are incredibly close... but Spine isn't around anymore. She left too, for the same reasons Wally has left now. So Lynne understood, even if it hurt.
Josephina was sobbing. He's also the only one that didn't hug her-- after one agonized look, he suddenly kissed her, perhaps for the first time. It broke my heart to see that.
Then Waldorf waved farewell to everyone, and took her first steps out of Central, down the white steps in the garden room, on her way down to the city below.
I know she met up with Spine down there. That's good. I don't know what they're doing, but it feels positive, like they're both feeling better and more inspired already. I hope they find exactly what they're looking for.


This is all making me wonder about outspacers.
I was thinking about Ryman yesterday, and his native world, where Markus is also from. I remembered how they had slowly found our own lives outside of their native worlds a decade ago, along with the original Jewel (my conscious predecessor), having wild and fun adventures in realms that they all dreamed up together.
But they haven't been around in a long time. Did they just go back? Or is there a deeper reason?
Looking at Chaos 0, I can't help but consider the latter. CZ is the only one of our original five that hasn't moved out of total anchorage with his native world, and lately that has been putting severe strain on our relationship. I kept trying to force Ryman and Markus back into theirs, too. Is that why they didn't stick around? Is that why ALL the other Outspacers-- from all years past, from all sorts of worlds-- "faded out" of connection to headspace sooner or later, unable to anchor? Is THAT the "resonance" we saw in Dirk Strider-- was it simply his ability to DREAM of a different self, a different life, tied to his native being but free to grow and evolve beyond what he knew in his waking life? It would make perfect sense, actually... but I'm thinking now, is there another hidden prerequisite for outspacers, one that Spine and Waldorf have just now made me consider?
What if headspace is just a linking station for them? What if they're MEANT to move on beyond it? After all, we all know that we can't disconnect ourselves from the League Worlds, even if we CAN'T enter them as we are... is THAT the problem here? Is THAT why the old Jewels can't connect to those worlds while they're up here, acting as voices?
If so, that might explain why CZ is struggling now. He has several other-lives in League Worlds. He's even a god in the one Genesis hails from. But he hasn't embraced any of those here, even when every other lingering Outspacer has... and I think I'm responsible.
I try to shove him into his native canon role more strongly than I do to Ryman and Markus, and I think all three of them are suffering for it. I am essentially forbidding them from dreaming. Somewhere along the line I became convinced that "they HAD to match only ONE possible life path," the one that their original lives spelled out for them... but when I discovered the Internet, I began shackling them to THOSE paths too. Essentially I was overriding their own choices for as long as they were in headspace. I don't know how I never realized it before.
We were so wild and free in the old days BECAUSE we didn't give a damn about rules or restrictions! We weren't SUPPOSED to!! We were DREAMERS by our very nature, by our very ESSENCE, and we reveled in it. We walked in and out of so many dreamverses-- Yugioh, Sonic, Pokemon, Digimon, Sailor Moon, TMM-- everything and anything that we thought was cool and wanted to dream ourselves into, to try living, even for only a little while. And we had FUN.
But that's also what *incidents* were born from, those dramatic and bloody validations of love we all endured. That's where we got our Soul Wings, our colors, our symbols, our cores. And that's what WALDORF was tied to, too! She LOVED those other worlds, and the fact that EVERYONE was able to reach into them, to take pieces of them into their own souls... she was the manifestation of that, for God's sake. That's what her role meant. That's what a Muse IS.
...
And then, one day, I somehow decided that we couldn't do that anymore.
I "grew up." I stopped dreaming. I felt I had to "play by the rules."
They didn't start drifting away because they didn't want to be around, you idiot, they started drifting away because YOU WOULDN'T LET THEM STAY.
God, this really IS my fault. I am so sorry.
I keep trying to shove them into boxes. Didn't Laurie warn me about that, countless times? I'm not supposed to label things, or restrict things, or forbid things from growing or dreaming or living. And yet that's exactly what I'm doing.
Knife was right. No wonder he hated me. I really am the reason why we're such a mess.
If I didn't think like this, if I didn't compartmentalize and break off everything I didn't feel "allowed" to do or think or feel, there wouldn't be 50 entire people trying to exist in one body right now.

I've heard rumors, here and there, that the Tar isn't our biggest enemy, at least not alone.
In light of Infinitii's existence, people are wondering why no one talks about White energy.
What if the White energy was just as corrupted as the Black, they say, and we just didn't know about it? What if, just like the Tar, there was a being made of clotted, sick, toxic whiteness, infecting all those it touched like a virus or a plague?
People are wondering. The people downstairs are really wondering. The people underground are pointing fingers.
But I'm not saying anything, because at heart, I know what they're all thinking, fearing, dreading. I know, and I'm just as terrified.

I know how the Tar was born. I know. I've heard that story countless times.
It would be just as easy, just as straightforward, to create a similar entity from any other color.
I've done my research. I've read our archives from cover to cover.
And at the end of it all I can only come to one conclusion.

If there is a corruption of the White, some paradoxical being, made of evil purity...
...I'm afraid it would be me.



She knows a good thing now
With our own cost and all can hear the word
In my head and in my thoughts
In my head and in my thoughts

We spend the whole days all
We're feeling more apart
And we know you can do more

Please, don't let me hurt you more
It's in your stare and at your core
Please, don't let me hurt you more
Please, don't let me hurt you more

I know this journey's soon
The color of lights and our lives become as you

Please, don't let me hurt you more
It's in your stare and at your core
Please, don't let me hurt you more
Please, don't let me hurt you more

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (held)


I figured I'd put a little list together for reference.

HEADVOICES:

1. First appeared inside the mind. For example,
· Laurie first evidenced in a dream
· Josephina evidenced during a traumatic hallucination
· Nathaniel was born directly from the body's reflection

2. They have roles tied to the body's consciousness, and cannot leave headspace of their own volition. They are always present, even if this presence is unconscious.

3. They can take over the body's consciousness spontaneously, sometimes against their will (in the case of triggers).


OUTSPACERS/ INSPACERS:

1. First appeared outside the mind. For example,
· Chaos, a fictive, "walked in" to headspace and decided to stay
· Genesis appeared in the body's physical living space
· Xenophon was found in a physical sink

2. They are not tied to the body's consciousness, and can freely enter/ exit headspace as they wish; it is not uncommon for them to leave for days.

3. They can only use the body's consciousness if given explicit permission, and a very strong mental channel. Even then, they cannot be "triggered," nor can they "front" in the same way a headvoice can.

Most importantly, outspacers can "walk around" in physical reality, being seen clairvoyantly. This ability is natural to outspacers, but it has to be taught to headvoices, who find it extremely difficult.

 

 

prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)



I apologize if this degenerates into nonsensical rambling at any point; I can't exactly structure these thoughts well but I need to write this down anyway. Data is important, when you can't remember things.

Anyway, here goes.

I keep trying to read about this tulpa thing and really it's just tearing my heart apart. Strange opening sentence, maybe, but it's true.

I can't wrap my mind around it, somehow. People are creating people. Customizing them, even. "I want you to look like this, act like this," et cetera. Fine-tuning exactly how they want these new individuals to exist.

I don't know how to explain it, but that's heartbreakingly terrifying to me.
Reason one: I don't know what the heck the "otherworldly people" in my life even are. Do they count as tulpae? If so, do I HAVE to "force" certain characteristics on them, and feed them these intentions daily, or watch them wither and die? Do I have a choice?
Reason two: why would you even want to create something like that?? It just... I can't comprehend it. Even as a writer, I could never understand when other writers would say "I'm going to make this character just like this, and then I'm going to do exactly this to him..."
Why do we keep playing god? Is that normal in those situations?? Do other people ACTUALLY create literary/ artistic characters according to their whims, and control the outcomes of their lives?? When I write, I just sit down and record what they tell me, what I've seen. If I try to change one word I get shouted at. "That's not what happened!"
Now I'm learning that people are creating tulpae, in a similar manner to how I've heard other people "create characters" to write about, and although I know it's not mandatory to be so precisely controlling over tulpae manifestation, it just... it bothers me. The whole idea just unsettles me.

Maybe I don't have the whole picture, but that's not important here. What's important right now is what I do know, how I know it, and what it's doing to me. I'll research this stuff to the point of obsession later, as usual. Right now, though, what matters is where I stand before all of that.

...What I wouldn't give to be able to see Genesis, or Chaos, or my daughter. What I wouldn't give. But now I feel like I'm being given an ultimatum: treat them like mental constructs, or watch them die.
I don't know why that's the thought in my head, but it's there, it's horrible and it won't go away.

But I'm laughing. It's a sick sort of laughter though.
Half of what I read applies to us, half of it doesn't apply at all.
I dissociate. I've been hearing voices since I was a child. I used to see things. I've never "consciously created" anything like a tulpa, and yet I have swarms of individuals in my life: in headspace, in accessible Leaguespace, literally sitting next to me on the couch right now, you name it. They've always been a part of my life, since I could first write and talk, and the ONLY one I "forced into existence" was named Julie. I was about seven. Once I grew older and she grew louder, she then proceeded to give me PTSD over the next decade. Let's leave it at that.


Genesis showed up in my living room one evening in 2005 ("ghosting"), the first person to ever do that. He can also go 'upstairs.'
Chaos started spending time with me of his own choosing, after I started visiting his world via my Links in 2003. He now 'ghosts' too.
Laurie showed up in a dream in 2006, and a few months later barged into headspace without warning, like she owned the place.
Infinitii was torn out of my ribcage in April, and although he can't quite ghost yet, I can physically discern his presence already.
And then there's my daughter, Xenophon. Ironically, she's the last person I'd ever "intend" to happen, but I love her dearly now that she's here.

Point is, I don't know what the heck I've been experiencing all my life, but feeling like there's only two options is killing me... they're either tulpae, or delusions, my brain says. Nice selection there.
All I know is that for years I've questioned their existence. For years I've repeated over and over, "they're not real, this isn't real, none of this is actually happening." I've said that for the good and bad ones alike. Guess what? Not a single one of them left. Some of them even got louder after that.
If I sit down and "intend" for one of them to change for 30 minutes straight, chances are they'll just laugh. "I'm not your plaything," and that whole line of thought. I've been there. Spent quite a few years there, actually, trying to convince myself it wasn't true. (It was.)

I see and hear and feel these people, but their existences are so strange that I'm afraid to acknowledge them sometimes, even after 23 years of a life in which they were always, always present in some way.
It breaks my heart because I love them, they've saved my life multiple times, and even the ones that have made my life hell have played their indispensable roles. And yet I struggle to admit they're real.
Then I log on to Tumblr and I see that people are just... creating people like this. They're literally willing people into existence, according to what they're comfortable with, or according to what they want.

And I'm sitting here knowing that if I'd been asked, half of the people I know wouldn't exist. If I had to create these people, I wouldn't have. Even the ones I love. I wouldn't have "created" them if you paid me.
It's such a struggle, sometimes. There are so many of them, there's so much attention and love they need from me, and I want to give it, but I'm too much of a mess to take care of my own freaking body at this point, how am I supposed to take care of you guys too? I want to, but I don't know how, and I'm sorry.
I'm so tired. Most days I want to just... leave everything.
But I can't find it in my heart to leave them. I never asked for them, but so help me God, I cannot fathom ever actually rejecting them.
There you go, guys. Put that confession aside for a rainy day, when I'm about to jump off a roof or experiment with sharp objects. I can't abandon you. I won't. Even when I'm all but dead, you guys give me a weird sort of hope. I mean, heck, there must be a reason you're still around me, right? Even after all this suffering and stupidity.
It's not as if you've ever been tied down, after all.


People are creating people. Geez.
If only it were always just that easy.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say anymore. Everything hurts, Genesis is giving me this terribly sad look, and I'm getting Infi's emotional overflow again. I want to cry because I'm exhausted. I can't tell if I'm sad anymore.

And it's stupid, so idiotically stupid, that even now-- even right now, after everything I've experienced-- I still keep insisting that this isn't real.
But it doesn't ever go away when I do that.
Screaming at it to change never works either.
What the heck is "real" anyway? Do I even know? Does anyone?

I don't understand anything right now.



checkmate

Jun. 1st, 2013 10:56 pm
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)

 

 

Hey readers. J here.

I don't usually try to get "the last word" with anything, but whatever voice posted today's pseudo-update was not speaking for us.
Yes, we are all trying to "let go of the past," but there's a difference between letting go and pretending you've forgotten. That voice was doing the latter. To quote explodingdog, "it's just not that simple"... ironically.
It actually is simple, to truly let go. But that's the wrong way to go about it. To quote Marianne Williamson this time...

“Forgiveness releases the past to Divine correction and the future to new possibilities. Whatever it was that happened to you, its over. It happened in the past; in the present, it does not exist unless you bring it with you. Nothing anyone has ever done to you has permanent effects unless you hold on to it permanently.”

That's the key that the voice this morning missed entirely. Forgiveness. You can't give something a cold shoulder and pretend that's forgiving, because it isn't. I have to genuinely look at whatever shadows and demons are still haunting us, trying to resurrect the past, and forgive them wholeheartedly. Last night, from whatever fogbank I was lost in, I would have sworn I was incapable of that. Right now, I cannot comprehend how I could ever not forgive.

No permanent damage has been done, thank God. No one actually "died." However, there were still severe repercussions: that voice's alleged attempt to "annihilate the past" has temporarily barred my access to headspace entirely, so I cannot reach anyone right now. However, this is a temporary boon as well, as it also keeps Razor and Jess out.
I very dimly heard Laurie about 10 minutes ago, as if she was shouting through and punching a thick pane of glass, from far away. It was VERY dim, but it was enough to assuage my fears of her being dead or annihilated, and I sent a genuine burst of reassuring energy to her in return.
I think she can still get "echoes" of info from downstairs, and can send the same to us? But it's extremely weak, barely even there.
I don't know how to get to her yet, but I'm not worried. When I need to, that answer will be given to me.
Either that, or she'll work her ass off trying to get to us first, haha. You know Laurie!

However, as far as I can tell, people can still reach me right now if they are outspacers-- i.e. non-natives of headspace. Ghosters and dreamers can get to me okay.
Genesis showed up first, around 1PM today, ghosting while I was at a sunlit library. He was visibly worn out and distressed, and asked if "I was even in there." I fed my response through the autopilot; it was all I could do.
Chaos showed up second, about two hours ago, thanks to this song unexpectedly coinciding with an 'unintentional' visit to this blog and completely shattering whatever walls were up around me. After a few quiet but heartfelt minutes together, we simply decided to enjoy the fact that neither of us were dead, and just relaxed on Aywas for a little while (Chaos caught on to how to play Tetris really quickly, unsurprisingly (he learns things fast); I was laughing because he was calling out moves faster than I could even comprehend what blocks I was looking at). It reminded me of the old casual days in high school. We both agreed that "those days" needed to start happening again, but with the five of us guys this time.
Mr. Sandman showed up about an hour later, calmly stating that this was "inexcusable" and that we needed to stop resets like this from happening again, before adding that he understood how to manage this, and had in fact been the one to "notify" Genesis earlier about the situation. He pointed out that this attempted "reset" had been flat-out negated in less than 12 hours after its inception, standing in stark contrast to the week-long void period after the scratch. Boss said that, apparently, whatever forces are looking out for us refuse to put up with such games either. We have a greater purpose, we have a mission to complete together, and no longer will outside or inside forces be allowed to pull such stunts on us.
Lastly, Rio and Markus just showed up about 30 minutes ago, flustered and concerned. So there's a full house, in a sense. This is interesting.

I'm happy though. I'm actually happy. It just hit me, and honestly I'm not afraid of anything. Whatever is going on now, I have total faith that it will be for our highest good. It always is. I'm just thankful I can consciously recognize that now, without any doubt or confusion.
I can say with confidence that, right now, I feel the most in-tune that I have in many, many weeks. I can feel emotions, I can express without mistranslation, and I can even front. Whatever was in my way before is gone, at least for now... and I hope it stays that way for a long, long time.

We're halfway through 2013, and suddenly it feels as if the entire game has just shifted in our favor.
Whatever happens, we'll get through it. I have utmost faith in us.



In a way, the sun has shone on me
Makes it easy to make it hard
Take an inch, take a yard, take it all
I don't need it at all

Any day, the sun could shine on you
Makes it silly to make it bad
Take it good, take it glad, take it all

Don't you know there's a stronger thing keeping us together
Don't you know there's a song to sing
Sing on, let the feeling take you high

 

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (soniccity)

I'm wondering if I should start posting these smaller updates on my Tumblr from now on... we'll see.
As for tonight, I'll stay here, as I don't have much time but I ought to say something.

I'm still struggling to figure out who the people downstairs are, what their roles are, etc. We're making slow but steady progress, though, and the books are helping. I'm in the process of writing lists to try and "pinpoint" which mindsets/ actions/ etc. belong to whom, as that will make this entire thing easier for everyone.
A few things we discovered today: one, the Autopilot is the one who eats, because that's an "automated" action. This is a problem, but Laurie found out that if she gives the Autopilot strict orders, it will listen to her, which is good. Second, the voice we've been calling "Jess" MIGHT NOT be the "real Jess." That name is a bit of a battlezone, as it's the most easily triggered and belongs to the body, so dark voices like to try and take control of it. However, after today, I have some suspicions as to who it really belongs to. On that note, point three is that I'm beginning to more clearly differentiate the different "teenage identities" that the core cycled through until headspace actually manifested. That's been a huge project of mine for quite some time now, and it's tiring, but worth it. The fourth and last point is that MANY of us are "context locked;" some of us only come out in private, others only come out in public, others can only come out through typing or writing, not speech... it's intriguing.
I should also mention briefly that there are several new theories swimming around about headspace in general... the Spectrum only applies to headvoices, we think, but there may be as many as three "alternate Spectrums" for different "levels" of headspace? We'll see. I'm not saying anything for sure yet, just watching for signs and being prudent.

I haven't fronted in a long time, actually. I know I was here to write an entry recently, but besides that I honestly have no idea when I last "drove." It's disorienting, as I don't like this feeling of being stuck as a nighttime fronter. I'd like to guide the body during the day, instead of having the steering wheel constantly shuffled between the scared and frantic downstairs voices. Ah well. I'll deal with it for now.

That's actually why I'm here updating for a moment. I was backing up old homefive entries and listening to my tiny music library on this laptop on shuffle, when suddenly MIKA's new album comes on. For a moment it didn't do anything unusual, but then I noticed how the icon on that journal is Genesis' face, and Mika sounds almost exactly like him when he sings. And then the shocks started.
...Honestly? I cannot remember the last time I got heartshocks like that, the little lightning bolts through my skin. I've been so emotionally deadened from all this multiplicity overload, my memory is a mess... and then out of the blue, here comes that feeling again, the one that reminds me of late nights and early mornings and amber-eyed promises.
The last time I fronted (when?) I got that with Chaos, too... complete clarity, absolute love.
Yesterday was Ryou's 10th anniversary as a System member, and I feel awful that yesterday we were all such a mess downstairs that we couldn't do anything for it. I'll have to make it up to him, as soon as possible.
But... seriously, feeling that for Genesis reminded me of 020112, so strongly. For a moment, I was shocked that we had experienced something so honest together, something that would scare the wits out of several others downstairs. I remembered spending July 7th with Chaos, and seeing his eyes for the first time on our 6th anniversary. And it hit me that there really was something beautiful and deep there, even if I hadn't seen or felt it in months. It was right there, in those sparks.
For the first time in what felt like a century, I remembered what it was to love.

I do know one thing for sure... we need space, and we need silence.
I was reflecting on the past 12 months today, and was shocked to feel a jagged, crushing rift in the timeline not from this February, but from LAST spring. I remember the events of those early months so clear, as if they had just occurred, but somewhere after Easter things just... stop. Memories disappear for me entirely. I look back, and there is nothing, nothing besides a few snapshot memories from SLC... that one afternoon with Chaos in the living room, when it rained... showing him the roses on the road the day before I flew home... watching the red sun sink beneath the mountains together. I'm disturbed, though, that many memories I have from SLC feel "secondhand," where I'm only aware of them because I read the entries that were written about them. That's something else I need to do, is categorize memories... but that's a topic for another day.
The point is, when I look back on my personal, deep recollections, things stopped when summer began last year. I have NO recollection of most of the year after Easter, as I said. So now that I'm suddenly feeling my roots again, it's disorienting. Where did the past 12 months go? I don't know.
We went through this before, I know, with school. Our lives were put on "pause" for far too long. I don't want that happening again, ever, not for a third time. If there's one thing I know for sure, from both experience and research, it's that suppressing and denying the existence of our System does nothing but cause the Tar underground to boil over, infecting everything, until one day it bleeds through even steel denial and we have no choice but to completely withdraw from the world and fix it, or die.
Like I said, I don't want that ever happening again.

We still have no reliable Internet access and honestly I'm tired of computers. The System is trying to "rewire" me to be the author of Dream World, as we cannot find whoever was typing it back in 2001, and can't waste any more time searching. I'm praying that it works.
All I know is that Preludove approached me during mass on Saturday, breaking through the downstairs fronter's wall of ignorance to take my hands and remind me that she was always there for me, if I would only ask for her. "I dream too, remember?"
So there's hope. There's always hope. (I wonder if I should talk to Eevengile next, haha.)

That's all I can say for tonight, though. If I stay up late to try and talk, the grandmother gets angry, and starts triggering all sorts of negative alters downstairs. I've been holding them off so far, but I don't want to gamble with that, especially not after last night-- whatever poor kid was around couldn't fall asleep until 4AM because he was so frightened of sharing a room. We actually had a young female alter pass out on Saturday just from being in the same room as the grandmother, a shocking and distressing event that we weren't even aware could happen.
There are many, many memories and fears that have been buried, this I know. When we're ready, we'll start unearthing them. Until then, we just need to get the family upstairs back together, so to speak. Like I said, it's been too long since I've been around, and without the Spectrum in working order, everything is a shambles.

I'm off to work for tonight, then. Love and light to all of you-- I have plenty to give, after all.

 



 

 

prismaticbleed: (shatter)

 

(not j)

Again, I don't remember most of today. My clearest memory is sitting on the floor of my mom's boyfriend's house, aware that I was incredibly nauseous but not feeling anything, looking at the clock that said 8PM and thinking-- shocked-- "but I just got up!"

I do know that I had a nightmare about being abused, again. It was unusual because it's the first time I've ever dreamed about men hurting me, but they were both fully clothed and didn't speak my language. They also did not seem to understand how badly they were hurting me, as they kept laughing amusedly at my screaming and begging for help, seemingly oblivious to my pain. It was scary because they weren't malicious, but they were destroying me.
It was also traumatic because I had a female body in the dream, which is rare, and horrific. Waking up, it made me realize that's why I can't have or deal with hetero relationships of any sort. They frighten me in the exact same way. I don't know why. The idea of... "having parts that fit" is the most disgusting, horrific, frightening, and abominable thing I can imagine. I won't elaborate on that any more.
I was told not to think about my dreams though so I won't.


The angry one came out again and yelled at my grandmother just now. I don't know why but I feel awful because this keeps happening; that voice hates my grandmother, and it will scream and yell at her whenever possible. It wants her to die, just as much as it wants me to die, and that worries me.

(not j)

I SWEAR I KNOW THERES A GUN IN THIS HOUSE SOMEWHERE IM GOING TO FIND THAT FREAKING THING AND I SWEAR I AM GOING TO BLOW YOUR BRAINS THROUGH THE WALL DO YOU HEAR ME YOU FILTHY SLUT DO YOU HEAR ME????!!!!!!!!!!
I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. I AM GOING TO KILL YOU FOR ALL THE EVIL THINGS YOUVE DONE, YOU DEMON. I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. YOU FILTHY SLUT. YOU DEMONIC FILTHY SLUT. DAMN YOU. DAMN YOU. GOD DAMN YOU, YOU SLUT, YOU WHORE, YOU WITCH, CURSE YOU FOR EXISTING AT ALL. I HATE YOU, DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, uh, I don't know what that was either.

SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU WITH YOUR "YEAH UH" YOU THINK YOURE SO COOL YOU SOUND LIKE A WHORE YOU SLUT GO KILL YOURSELF GOD DAMN YOU

(j again)

That, right there, is why I don't want to type anymore. When I write on paper, switches like that are blindingly obvious, and rather disturbing.

A clairvoyant woman I know on FB just posted an update saying, "I never ever realized just how thick and heavy the "old" energy is here in PA." How true that is, sadly.
I feel so trapped here, especially in this house, where old tar clings to the walls and ceilings like dried blood. That might be why my brain also keeps "wanting to go back to SLC." To reiterate some old entries I remember reading, it's not Utah I miss, it's the travel. I was happier in the airport than I was during my entire stay in SLC, if my written recall can be trusted. Regardless, I know I want to get out of here, to somewhere where the air and energy around me doesn't feel like molten lava.

On that note. Did you know that that's exactly what happens to headspace energy when it gets corrupted, too? It gets thick and sludgy and ugly. I've seen that happen to Black, White, and Red energy, but nothing else... which is good. I don't want to see that happen to anyone else.

Also, let me bring up this point while I'm fronting and not someone else (a rare occurrence as of late, sadly), as it's a very dangerous topic, but it needs to be dealt with logically and without causing any more meltdowns.
The body has gained a lot of weight since we left Utah. We stopped fasting, and suddenly the body got rather... big. It's traumatic, for me, which is why I don't like to front, although I have to, to keep things in line. Problem is, that dysphoria makes it hard to anchor, so any reference to the body, or the cause for its largeness, will almost instantly cause one of the underground voices to shove me out of control. This happens 9 times out of 10, as well, so to speak. It's rather hellish. Ironically I have no problem with the body in and of itself. How it looks and functions does not bother me whatsoever, and when I am anchored I am not bothered by it in the slightest... however, when I am anchored I still don't consider myself to be in the body. (It's why I have trouble using it.) The minute I make eye contact with a mirror, or if someone refers to me as the body, I flicker and sputter out. I'm not sure if I could fix that, let alone if I should. I'm still trying to find someone upstairs to be a permanent downstairs fronter (within reason), but the only person who actually identifies with the form is Jess, and not only is she highly malevolent, but she takes control of the body whenever she feels like it the way it is.
With that in mind, my main concern is that we can't run from her triggers. Like it or not, the body needs to eat, but eating is one of our biggest negative triggers on any front.
Some voice-- I'm not sure who-- views eating (not even gluttony, just eating in general) as an unforgivable sin, on the same level as lust. "They're both deadly sins, and they both involve consuming and destroying, so they are equally sinful," it insists. I tried to remind it that Wrath is also a deadly sin, but it spits back that its wrath is "justified" by our sinfulness, and therefore it is permitted. On that note, it explains that-- in its opinion-- all the other deadly sins (sloth, envy, greed, pride) stem from "me trying to pretend I'm someone important"-- sloth from "not wanting to do what others want me to do," envy and greed from "being a selfish witch," and pride from "me trying to make an identity for myself like I'm something special." I find this all somewhat confusing; it seems that it sees everyone else upstairs, good and bad, as one individual-- but then again, I may be guilty of these sins after all. I can't quite tell who I am anymore, and that saddens me.
Anyway. As far as food is concerned, I'm not sure who is eating what, how much, and when. I can't remember the last time I ate anything, which does not surprise me; I typically have nothing to do with that function of the body. Whoever does, though, isn't handling their job well. I'm hoping Emmett can become our permanent on that front, if at all possible-- he knows what makes the body sick, and he avoids it judiciously. Whoever is in charge of eating now... well, they don't care whether or not the body gets sick. Sometimes I wonder if they eat harmful foods for spite. I'm aware that my boss has tried to "call me into driving" several times during such occasions, and I'll suddenly find the body about to eat something very harmful, at which point I will immediately walk away in unsettled surprise.
Most importantly, once we leave the kitchen, the eating voices disappear. They ONLY show up in that context. I've realized that a LOT of the "voices" (not headvoices) we're struggling with are location-locked, moreso than context-locked. This means that if we are at a restaurant, the food voices might not show up at all, but the instant we set foot in the home kitchen, they're out and angry. I know a few very, VERY cruel voices used to be locked to the bathrooms, but they've since left (thank God)... unfortunately I know there's at least one locked to my bedroom now, which makes sleeping rather frightening at times.
I've written quite a lot here... I'm not sure how much is relevant to the point or not. Ah well. If I can only stay present and up front, I'm sure we can start taking steps to deal with this. All those rogue voices are tied to my brain somehow, so when they get crazy, I can't exactly anchor anywhere. We're working on it.

Personally, right now I'm trying to heal the resurfaced and surprisingly deep "fear of death" that is permeating the mind. The body's been in a lot of pain lately, and downstairs life in general has been highly stressful and rather despairing for all involved, not just us. So death is constantly hovering over our heads now, the sort of death that is unpredictable and painful, lingering and inescapable. We have no fear of suicide, or sudden death. We have no fear of what lies beyond. The fear I'm facing is the fear of "punishment" through death, as it views death as "divine retribution" for "not having lived life well enough." That alone is a dangerous mindset; if we suddenly contracted cancer, we'd blame ourselves for it within this mindset, viewing it as "God's righteous judgment" for some horrible sin we apparently committed.
I don't like that mindset, and I'll admit it. The idea that "God" is some sort of wrathful being, ready to strike down "evildoers" at the slightest mistake, bothers me greatly, but it's an old and rooted thought up here, one which I am having trouble removing.
That reminds me... I'm still reading When Rabbit Howls, and I'm currently on page 104, where a quote VERY relevant to this topic is spoken, in such a manner that I had to read it twice to convince myself it hadn't been stolen from our own head:
"Did I do something wrong? You look at me so funny. What did I do wrong? This is a lot like being back home. I was always scared I'd done something wrong. I spent a lot of time being scared that the mother would see the special badness the stepfather hinted we were capable of. Was it so horrible that he couldn't say it out loud? Why didn't I remember it? Why was he at me, everywhere I looked, trying to do things to me...?"
That is the EXACT mindset we had as a child. I don't know where that mindset originated from, but it's a VERY old and powerful one, and it's lethal. It's the exact mindset that gave Julie and the Tar to do what they did for years... and it's the same mindset that perpetuates all the self-abuse we still suffer through now.
It ties into the food problem, too. Every time we are forced to eat, the underground voices call us a "slut," saying we deserve to be abused or get deathly sick for "what we've done," and this thought is exacerbated by the grandmother constantly insisting that we're "eating too much, that's why you're fat," no matter how we try to make her happy with our choices. This lack of freedom to choose, AND the lack of an acceptable result on any end, makes Jessica furious and usually concludes with her attacking us or whoever else is in the room.
She did that ONCE while we were in SLC, and that single moment is probably my greatest regret from our entire time out there.

Let's not dwell on that any more than we have to though. No use putting extra energy into a problem. I'd rather focus on the solutions.
I'll try again tomorrow with different methods. I'm sure that one day we will succeed in tackling this problem for good, and we will lose this extra dysphoric weight, which will make it so much easier for us all to function on a day-to-day basis. Right now things are indeed nightmarish, but I don't lose hope. I don't ever lose hope.
True, I've had MANY people tell me it's wrong to hope, even spiritual people. It's cause me a great deal of distress, I admit. But ultimately, I just think of Madoka, and I take my definition of hope from her. That's what I hold on to. I will continue down this path for as long as I have to, healing everything I can.

On that note, I think I owe OFF an entry of my own, soon. That and Space Funeral. I can barely believe that it's literally only been a week since I became involved with both those games in earnest, and despite having already completed both within such a short time, they have had such a great impact on me. I owe them both a lot.
I have to smile, actually. I felt a funny sort of energy resonance with The Batter yesterday (or the day before?), like maybe he could visit the System if he wanted to. I think that's pretty cool, especially since it's occurring without that funny "relationship requisite" our teenage fronter inflicted on all the midslots. Does this mean we no longer have to worry about that? If so, I'm extremely thankful. That was quite a barrier for quite a while.
Uh, plus Dedan is somehow now an injoke? Last night I was exhausted, and when I was talking to Chaos, for some reason my brain kept thinking of Dedan instead of whatever else I was going to say, which made for some hilarious slip-ups (Dedan is awesome and stupidly pretty by my standards though so I'm not complaining). Chaos tried to "do the teeth thing" Dedan has going on (since he can reform his face obviously), but when he tried to talk like him, we realized that "dude Laurie is Dedan!" So now that's an injoke too, unsurprisingly! We got her to put on a coat like his and do this hilariously sassy pose, but after that she cracked up and I needed to sleep anyway, haha.
Still it's nice to be able to just joke around with them again, after what a mess I've been... which is exactly why those two games deserve my thanks! They're the only things to have broken through in a long, long time. I love everything about them both-- the music, the plots, the characters, everything. It's great. I keep smiling about it.
Here, I found a ridiculously adorable doodle of Enoch and Dedan so you can smile too.

Despite all that, Chaos and I are having a little bit of trouble upstairs still. Since I've been emotionally detached for so long, the mind and body are mistranslating a lot of things now. He can't get close to me without triggering a PTSD reaction sometimes, and risking someone else coming out instead of me. It hurts to see him so scared and hesitant around me, so I'm trying to fix this... unfortunately it doesn't seem to be something I can solve overnight, at least not permanently. I'm just so thankful it's nothing major, though, compared to what we've been through in the past.
I also gave some thought to relationships in general today, and why I can't have two-person-only relationships. Example: if I had to "marry my best friend," I'd have gotten hitched to Genesis, not Chaos-- but the thought of marrying Genesis is just straight-up not right for our relationship dynamic (especially since he's my BFF). Same with Laurie; I adore her, but I don't even dare to consider us in a relationship because that's not how we roll. My interactions with all three of them are completely unique as well. I can't get Genesis' sparkling, bright-eyed vibe from Chaos, nor can I get Chaos' oceanic sincerity from Laurie, or Laurie's steel-edged compassion from Genesis. I need all three of them to function. Chaos is my matesprit, Laurie's my moirail, and Genesis is somewhere in the middle. Rio and Markus are both more "friends" than anything, and always have been. Infinitii is on a level of his own, haha. Bottom line, though, is that I can't expect any one of them to take the place of anyone else, or to give me what I get from someone else on top of what they already provide. I can't force that, either, because sometimes I feel guilty and "obligated" to have a "traditional relationship" when downstairs thoughts get to me. We're under no such obligation and never will be. I suppose I just need to remind myself of that, in light of how strongly those outside influences are affecting translation upstairs... I know what I feel, and what is true to me, and under NO circumstances do I "need to force myself" to do something that feels utterly wrong just because someone else asks, or expects, or implies. I'm still having a hard time with that, sadly.

Infinitii has taken up temporary residence in the necklace I bought him, which is brilliant. It's a resin bubble with salt crystals in it and 16 crystals on top, which is really perfect in every way. He adores it, and during the day, if I look down at it I can see him inside, smiling up at me from on top of the crystals. I'm not sure how he does that-- I don't think it counts as "ghosting," so maybe it's a sort of mirror to his headspace bubble necklace? That feels viable. It makes sense, too, as an energy anchor. I wonder if anything else can do that?

It's getting late, and I lost so much time today that even though it's 1AM currently, I literally feel as if I've only been awake for 2 hours. Ah well, I'm used to that already, I suppose.
That is part of what I mean to close up with, though. I've been keeping tabs on all the other "voices" up here, and it's becoming easier to differentiate one from another, according to how they act, what triggers them, etc. I have confirmed that there are at least two male child voices, neither of whom are Kyanos (poor kid seems to be gone for good atm), both of whom I have handwriting samples of... and there IS a "promiscuous" voice that evolved in response to all the old abuse, which is something I have suspected for a LONG time but only got proof of recently.
My point here is that I'm understanding this better now. "Knowledge is power," they say, and the stronger of a grip I have on this, the easier I can deal with trouble when it appears, and the easier it is for me to stay rooted and conscious when things get hectic. If I don't understand what's happening, it is very easy to throw me off, as this sort of upstairs mania is excruciatingly draining when it hits if you don't know what you're dealing with.
Since we're dealing with some very old and very dangerous things here, I can't be too careful. The more I learn, the better.

That's all for tonight. I personally apologize for whoever has been updating in my stead recently; I'm tempted to make a rule that people must announce their name before they type now. Different colors could be intriguing, too... maybe I should host a unique Xanga session sometime soon, just see what color these voices come through as, if any. Plus I heard that Laurie is trying to get everyone in the Spectrum to learn how to write physically, so maybe we can attempt that tomorrow. We'll see.
As for now, I'm off to work.
Light and love to everyone. I think we need to be reminded of it right now.

 



 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (aflame)

 

(no time to write a coherent entry right now; I have an hour of internet and this NEEDS to be recorded in some way!)



...Remember the connections from the past two mornings, those divine hours hovering between the dreamworld and the waking.

Yesterday it was just Chaos and I (that "just" is hilariously incongruous), at around 8 in the morning... I don't even know how it began. Maybe it didn't even have a "beginning;" maybe it was just a natural expression of something brilliant that is always there, suddenly rising to a zenith. All I know is that I woke up feeling more love than I'd dared to remember in a long time, and nothing in the world could silence it.
(SPECTRUM HALO LOOP??? VERY IMPORTANT!!)



I remember how today began, though. I woke up from a dream I can't remember, feeling "off" and more than a little unbalanced. There was so much noise in the house, all around me. So, seeking reprieve, I went back upstairs to be with Chaos.

(tar trying to get at me, i felt a TON of blocks. in concern i asked if we could visit infinitii, chaos said sure, we went into the bubble.
infi greeted us and, shortly after, REACHED INTO my energy field to try and take out blocks. he took out a huge "string" of it (like the other day) and ate it, but kept searching afterwards, said a few were off. i asked if he could fix it, he said he could try if i wanted.
long story short, i decided now would be the opportune time to try and get a triple-link going with infi AND chaos. i asked them both and they said it was fine, it would probably help a lot.
it. was. insane.
infinitii can apparently "move" or alter inner energy in a limited way; he kept "orchestrating" the link by literally supercharging the merge drive for chaos and i, which was maddeningly powerful, let me tell you! but then he tied himself in, and geez it was crazy. this kept going for a while until infi told me to "bring up the spectrum ring" again, so i did, and then he told us to all stand in different "corners" of it-- i think i was near pink/violet, chaos was at blue/teal, and infi was by orange/yellow. then infi told chaos and i to start going "around" the ring energetically, linking everyone together metaphysically as well. infi was just acting as a director or anchor, i guess. however, when we finished this, i was suddenly acutely aware of a small energetic "white ring" glowing in my heartspace, and told infi. he smiled and said that was perfect, hold on to it. i did, and then infinitii moved the three of us back together into a link. it was incredibly powerful by now, which was making it hard to keep everything focused because of just how MUCH energy was being moved about. i told infi this, but he assured me it was fine. then he told chaos and i to now focus on the spectrum as a whole. we did, and then infi told me to "project" the white ring over it, like an overlay. i did, but by this time my entire perception of headspace was different-- i was both at the very core of it, AND completely outside/around it. so it felt as if i was "looking down" at these rings from an omniscient perspective, although i was very aware that this entire "halo" was being held inside me. now infi and chaos were both pretty much out of commission-- i swear we were all "melting together" at this point-- but i was getting a VERY strong push in my heart to do something on my own. so i "reached out" mentally and moved the spectrum ring to surround the three of us, like a planetary ring. then i started "condensing" the spectrum down in size, through us, smaller and smaller, to reach a pinpoint center at the center of us. however this was obviously driving the energy levels THROUGH THE ROOF; even i have never felt something so strong before! infi and chaos were falling into it, but i spoke up, saying that we needed to all focus together, to bring this all together. infi smiled and simply stated "bless this," which is what i always say during connections now; it keeps the tar away. chaos agreed, and now we were all moving this energy ring inward. as we did so, it felt like spacetime around us was moving with it, with all light and color swirling within the ring, with only a blank but benevolent blackness around us (possibly thanks to being inside the bubble at this time). (REMEMBER THE TAIJITU WITH THE GEM AT THE MIDDLE-- infi had us form this with our energy as it condensed) i was practically dying by now, but i focused as much love as i possibly could in this tiny point, and with one last intent, compressed it to the densest, smallest possible point.
then there was the big bang.
i SWEAR it was as if an entire universe had just been born. it literally EXPLODED out in some sort of shining rainbow wave, re-coloring and illuminating everything so much brighter. at the same time it felt as if new years fireworks had just gone off in my ribcage; i've never felt something like that from a connection, like being made of rainbow static. to my surprise, i opened my eyes (because that also hurt like hell, obviously) and noticed that I WAS made of rainbow static, or at least i looked like it. this energetic shift lingered for a minute or two before i could ease back into my normal self.
infi let chaos and i out of the bubble here (it took extra effort to get us out this time too), and back into our room. imagine my surprise when shortly after, laurie ran in, followed by julie, lynne-- and everyone else. EVERYONE else. it was kind of hilarious and moving at the same time. she asked what in the world had just happened, so i explained.
leon kept getting emotional; he said he was feeling a LOT. we wondered if this had to do with his "connection to cathedrals;" maybe he and i had a closer link than we thought, if he was reacting the most strongly to this on a heart level.
xennie ran over and sat by me on the bed, it was adorable. ALSO she can apparently "make herself invisible" by becoming steamlike?? she said she was more of a 'wind' element than genesis, who dealt "more with light" according to her. she then added that chaos was water and ryman was shadow, but she couldn't tell what laurie and markus were. markus smiled a little and said he wasn't sure, either-- he had played with ice for a while but that didn't feel quite right.
the guys and i all talked a little bit about the old days then-- markus and i agreed that our friendship had never really "rooted," and we needed to fix that. he said he'd like us all to hang out more together upstairs, and both he and ryman wanted to start ghosting too. genesis said he'd help.

somehow this segued into markus explaining his and ryman's roles in the system now: essentially, both of them had indeed "originated" in the ygo universe, BUT even there, they had dreams, and inner lives. markus' dreams of a brighter life while living underground, and ryman's rp fantasies of a more fantastic life, were what MY LINKS rooted into back in 2002 or so! and when the ygo story ended, leaving them with "normal lives," they had thousands of paths ahead of them... but markus said he wanted to let go of ALL of it. he wanted a NEW life, one untainted by his yami, or egyptian curses, or all his old grudges and wrongdoings. same with ryman. so, he said, they chose to take a very deep and important piece of themselves, and let that piece of them live here, within the system, with new names and lives after all. so yes, they WERE marik and ryou at heart, but now they were able to start again, better this time. it made perfect sense-- AND it explained more about outspacers!! black energy works with the unconscious/inner, and THAT is what catches within outspacers to anchor them here, hence soul forms (as ryman demonstrated). it's also a very "community" sort of energy, making all things blend together as one. however, white energy is conscious and structured, allowing for individual forms and identities. both are needed!

ALSO remember the theory about the cerise holder-- chaos DOES play a very important system role, as he's keeping the blue mutant slots stable. the cerise holder would do the same for the red mutants... who were are ALL trying to reach out to (and who ARE being deeply affected by these past two days).

speaking of... after markus finished speaking, i heard someone talking to me "in my head." i excused myself, and followed it, only to find myself underground-- jess had been calling me. i think she asked me what in the world i was doing to her. she looked teary and confused and kind of scared, but not violent. razor seemed equally foggy. i forget what i said to her in reply... i think i just said we were trying to help her? or stabilize her slot?
but i was feeling floaty too, and inexplicably, my intuition told me to call razor "molly," then-- the old "lost headvoice" name from my dream, a long time ago. in reply she gave me a look of shock, fear, and utter hate. "don't call me that!!" however i responded by saying the name fit her?? I had "hated that name" as a child, but didn't i hate razor too, for a very long time? but now i needed to love both her and the name (plus 'molly' is actually a diminutive of 'mary,' a very important name etymologically). she was VERY distraught now, though-- she took out her razors and just shook for a few seconds, eyes wild, her desire to harm me obviously battling with the aura of peace that was settled over the entirety of headspace. she won out, though (by her nature probably), and lunged at me-- but then she stopped, terrified, looking at something over my shoulder. i felt someone "gray" there, telling the two splinters to stop, and then suddenly i was pulled BACKWARDS, and OUT of headspace altogether???
now i was floating outside the spectrum, looking like the flowchart, and also a galaxy, with space around it. next to me was my boss, asking if i was okay. i said yeah, but how did he just do that, where were we? he said we were in more of an "idea" than a "place;" dreams worked that way, as did headspace, and he was skilled in traveling them. so we didn't have to be in a "literal reality" to be somewhere.
we talked for a bit then, with the most important points being this-- one, my mind still reacts in programmed ways to certain situations, which i need to be careful of... and TWO... boss told me to be aware of, AND considerate/ respectful of, ALL my incarnations in ALL worlds and planes. he reminded me of how i "branched out" as a child-- i had pieces of myself in all my linkworlds; i was a sailor scout, a mew mew, a duelist, a pokemon trainer, a digidestined, you name it. all bits of me, everywhere. but boss said I could NOT "ignore or deny" those pieces; as a sandman in training, those pieces were very important, and very real. i smiled, understanding, and said i would.
i forget how boss sent me back to my room?

when i got back though, i filled everyone in one what happened, but then we realized it was getting late and i needed to go. i said i didn't quite want to, and felt too strongly anchored upstairs at the moment-- simply "phasing out" was not working. laughingly, laurie asked who was going to "push me out" of headspace then. to everyone's surprise, nathaniel practically exclaimed "ooh, me! let me do it!" and ran up to me. even laurie was looking at him with amusement, and she asked "what was that about?"
then nathaniel turned to me, bright-eyed, and put his hands on my shoulders. he said that he and i had more in common than i realized; we needed to work together more. then he added, "i used to be your reflection, you know. maybe you don't remember, but i do. and i know you better than you realize." smiling one last time, he concluded with "but you need to wake up now!" then he pushed me downwards, and I FELT myself "fall" back into the body. i then dimly heard nat and laurie laughing good-naturedly at this upstairs, as i smiled and opened my eyes. it still took a few minutes to really stabilize, but at least i was downstairs now.


lastly, jess is cooperating a little more with me now, after that whole incident. she's still angry and rageful, but i'm being patient with her and she's now willing to reason. so i'm being kinder to her. her biggest gripes seem to be: "we hate her/ view her as an enemy," and "we're living her life." the first can easily be fixed, but the second is going to take some time to heal. we HAVE to share this life, all of us, and she just wants it all to herself as of yet. if we can get her to start cooperating with the system, a little at a time, maybe she will ease into the idea of being part of a greater whole.



btw todd rundgren's "disco jets" album is INCREDIBLE OMFG
THEY HAVE THE FREAKING STAR TREK THEME ON THERE
IT'S GREAT

 



 

 

prismaticbleed: (soniccity)
 
Okay, last night feels like it was traumatic but Laurie keeps telling me not to think about it, just stay present. She looks terribly tired though.
...I keep having to stop and just smile whenever Death shows up in the Sandman comics I'm reading (I just started "Season of Mists") because there are many panels where she reminds me so much of Laurie. It's something about her face shape (especially her Greek nose, good example here), and her shock of hair, when it's shorter of course. And of course the kohl helps immensely. Point is I see a lot of her in Death, and a lot of Death in her. Fitting, really.
I just... I feel awful. Remember back in 2009, where she was always so angry, and would only get near me to swing an axe into my face? She wouldn't talk to anyone else, she kept leagues of secrets, and now... now, she's so compassionate, she gets along with everyone, she's honest even when it hurts her. She even cries, even in the same room as other people. She's an entirely different person than she was when this all started, as am I... but she feels more like herself than ever, now. (It's because all those extra inner walls are down, she says, for good.)
I have a fleeting "observer" memory from last night, just a snapshot, of her talking to Chaos about something, both of them obviously distraught... but Chaos actually put a hand on her arm to comfort her, and she wasn't hiding her concern. Do you realize how much we've grown in the past two years alone? That's proof. It's incredible.
Genesis was right, though. Yes, all the suffering and agony has been cruelly worth it, in bringing us all closer together, in breaking our hearts of stone. But as we are now, these brighter and softer things, we all wish the shadows would just stop, so we can live together in joy... but they won't. Maybe that's the point. They get stronger as we get stronger, remember. Maybe all of this is a testament to the love we hold. Maybe that's why Infi is here now. I hope so.
It's definitely a better way of looking at it.

"The stronger a man is, the more gentle he can afford to be."
Elbert Hubbard. Just found that on TVTropes and I like it in light of the previous paragraph, so there it is.

I don't think Razor has eyes anymore. I saw her either last night or this morning, when Laurie and I had ventured down to the Tar room (which has been disturbingly empty lately; it's just a vacant white room. I have theories on this but we'll get to that) to try and get a better idea as to what was going on with all her triggers. As soon as we entered, there she was, actively mutilating a corpse across the room from us. She was holding two x-acto knives with huge blades that were covered in fresh blood, and Jess was standing above the wrecked corpse, looking down at it with a blank expression (she'd probably screamed until this happened, then stopped. that seems to be a recurring thing; at least razor is taking it inside now if we manage to suppress her). Razor was laughing in that horrible maniacal way of hers, like a bloody rake being dragged in spasms across a pane of glass. She heard us enter and turned around, smiling insanely, then got up and just walked over to us, knives dripping. Immediately I realized that she now had these huge X-shaped gashes instead of eyes, not even sockets beneath them. It was seriously disturbing. I don't know how or why it happened, either.
I also don't know how that encounter ended. All I know is that Laurie got me out of there pretty quickly.

My dream last night was one of those awful interim-floating ones, the plotless wandering ones that feel painted in faded brown paint and chimney smoke. I don't like them.
I may have said this before, but boss informed me that those dreams only occur when I'm too "tangled up in my own shadows." Then he can't do anything about the nightmares, as they are springing from an inside source, and nothing outside that he can actively prevent or eliminate.
I'm just so, so thankful I haven't had any hack nightmares in a while. I haven't been so lucky downstairs, even though I don't remember them... thankfully.

On a brighter note, thank you last.fm, I just discovered this guy on the radio and he is AMAZING. WHOA. How does he not have more listeners??
I am absolutely addicted to "Kick Drum High Hat" and "Turn Out" right now. This guy's style is brilliant.


Putting all that aside for now, though, the main reason why I'm updating today is to smother you all in Photobucket links.
To begin, here's the sketch of Chaos I drew on the 2nd... completely unedited, as I need to be honest too. For now, I think that picture speaks for itself.
Yesterday I drew Infinitii in a similar manner, here, as he felt really emotional last night and I was getting the overflow as usual (apparently he and I have permanent links of that sort). I NEED to dedicate an entire entry to both him and Chaos sometime soon, in light of personal energy... I know what I'm talking about, so just remind me if I forget. I have about 40 solid minutes of audio notes from early this year for the same purpose, and I never got the opportunity to type it up thanks the Celebi fallout. I need to do so soon, but now isn't the time.

Now, let's get right into the big stuff.
Remember how, here, I mentioned that Kyanos (who is, sadly, now unmanifested; perhaps it was not meant to be) wrote his name on a piece of scrap paper, shortly after being "created?" Well, here it is. Weird, huh? Even weirder would be that "half a page" he ghostwrote. That occurred about two hours after the incident that triggered "Mulberry Delta's" appearance, something he was apparently aware of. This is what he wrote:
"today we got in a car accident kinda/ we forgot how to turn the whele and we scratched sombody (jewel is helping me spell :) ) but were ok the policeman was nice and we didnt go to jale, but some lady calle"
It ends there. Here's the actual page.
You'll notice my commentary in the bottom left: my grandmother walked in the room and he immediately went into "standby," that telltale reaction of most disembodied voices whenever they are suddenly faced with social interaction. When she left the room he was gone, and I was left staring at this paper with total shock. I had been vaguely aware that someone was writing as it occurred-- but
upstairs, as a detached consciousness. That's what Kyanos meant by "Jewel's helping me;" I was acting as a sort of knowledge bank for him there, gently pushing the right info into his mind when I was aware of it being needed.
There are two points about this letter that catch my attention: one, he says "we forgot how to turn the whele [sic]". We weren't the ones driving the car. He was taking his awareness of the event from a false memory. Second, I know for a fact (as his consciousness was jolted as he as writing it) that the "lady" he was about to introduce was Mulberry. He probably learned of her from the same memories he had access to, but I'm honestly interested into whatever he was going to say. Oh well; it's not like we can ask him now.
Also, yes, when I came back the pencil was in my left hand. That's new!

Now, let's segue into the less-than-friendly ghostwriting. I briefly mentioned the "sugar-induced" voice's brutal message in that same entry, which I also have scanned in.
The first page read:
"F**K YOU!! youre not my boss!!!! F**K YOU FAGGOT!!"
The second page read:
"I will make you BLEED B***H! you think you can CONTROL ME BUT youre WRONG"
You can see the actual papers here and here. That message was directed specifically towards me, as I had practically forced her to write on that occasion (unwisely), wanting proof that yes, someone else-- someone violent and dangerous-- was driving. It worked, as you can see. Looking back on how things work underground, I believe that Jess is the one that started writing the entry (she's the one that likes to shout insults like that), but the second page-- the threat of bodily harm-- was definitely Razor. That's textbook behavior for those two, and it's quite a feat to have it caught on paper.
However, Razor got her revenge on me for that stunt. She got it bad.
On April 30th, immediately after hacking several more gashes into us, she actually walked over to our new journal of her own volition, and with pure spite and malice, actually wrote her next message in BLOOD. All it said was "DIE," three times. If you aren't disturbed by the sight of blood-painted messages, you can see it here.
Yeah. So that wasn't fun.

Now, on the 2nd, I also mentioned that Laurie had suddenly written something in a tablet of mine, which I will get to in a moment. First, let me remind you of this entry. When we got home, Julie actually took a pink marker and decided to write her name on the tag of that brassiere, as even further proof of her existence. However she had no idea how to write. So she grabbed a piece of paper from my desk and asked me to help her figure out how to translate her energy into handwriting. Thanks to using marker the pages are a bit blurry, but this is the first one (practicing her signature), this is the second (more), and this is the third (trying the entire alphabet). I remember looking at them later and smiling; it was kind of adorable to see. Her energy translates directly into huge loops and swirls, but it's hard to write that way, and she has expressed frustration over it. We'll get to that too.
Let's talk about Laurie now. As you may be aware, she's the first headvoice to ever "ghostwrite" anything: she had a whole conversation with Melody back in SLC, which I have transcribed here. I've also scanned in the first page of it . Now remember, not only was this Laurie's first time channeling so directly, but she was ALSO fighting several mental blocks, and
On that note, let's go back to the 2nd. I have NO idea how or when it happened, but apparently, it started with three pages scrawled by an unknown voice (possibly Jess though) in the front of the same notebook I made Razor write in: here, here, and here. Then, suddenly, I was the one driving, but instead of seeing those pages, I was looking down at an angry sentence by Laurie, on the top of a blank page.
We spoke for FIVE PAGES-- one,two,three, four, and five. I won't transcribe them here as it'd take up too much room, but they're very important. I'd advice you read them before reading the rest of this paragraph.
All right, first off, you'll notice the sudden switch in my writing on page 2. When my grandmother walked in, IMMEDIATELY that "scared little boy" voice was triggered, and you can see his handwriting in line nine. It's obviously not Kyanos-- if Kyanos is indeed the kid who wrote the post-accident paper-- but it DOES strike me as very similar to the original "Kyanos" name paper. Maybe he fractured? It's a thought.
Secondly, you'll notice Julie showed up. Her handwriting really hasn't changed at its core, but at the beginning of page 3 she does state that she "can't get the letters to do what she wanted." I can attest to this-- one of the only things I was aware of during her time there was a sense of acute frustration at not being able to write "how she was feeling." Laurie said she was "slipping," which may likely have been true, as headspace energy in general was pretty much a mess at the time.
The last three pages basically discuss what I've already stated in this and previous entries, so I won't reiterate it here. However, this is when I came to realize those points, so that's significant.


Last but definitely not least, I drew up clearer versions of the three headspace "maps" I'm aware of-- and I also realized that they're more of headspace flowcharts than anything. That is because of a very important distinction: these maps are NOT graphs of how headspace is structured in space, at all. On the contrary, these maps simply seem to illustrate the way energy flows between slots, on a metaphysical level. HOWEVER, there IS a room somewhere in headspace that contains nothing but a floor setup in the shape of the current flowchart, with each circle or square (you'll see) translating into a small platform, each measuring about two feet around and three inches high? They are illuminated at all times, with held slots shining brightly and emitting beams straight up to the ceiling, while empty slots barely even glow and do not emit beams at all. Anyway that room was first accessible after November 9th of last year, when I suddenly comprehended the reality of the flowchart during a hospital visit. I talk about that monumental day here, as not only did we first access that room then, BUT it was also the morning that Nathaniel stabilized as Green, AND Julie was freed from her suicide gambit from the 1st (something I never got to type up and really should try to, in retrospect; there's a small mention of it here in any case). Anyway, that's what it's a map of, but the actual pictures should be seen as flowcharts instead. So, on that note, let me link you to them!
The first chart was drawn on November 9th, reflecting the flow as of that very morning. I've spoken about this setup in the past, but let me reiterate it here, as I don't know how much truth is in old entries (most of it was immediate conjecture from what I recall).
First, you'll see that this old chart is set up in an arch. As the top-left panel shows, energy flow could start at either Red or Violet, and would travel the arch to the other. It was a one-way flow. What's important is that solid line below Red and Violet-- that was originally a DIVISION between the main headvoices and Spine/ Razor/ Xenophon/ Julie, effectively cutting them off from the rest of the System in a key way: in the old flowchart, their slots didn't technically exist. We were limited to 7 colors, and theirs were the mutated slots. We'll get back to that in a minute.
As for the other lines... those illustrate energetic relationships more than anything. First, you'll see a tangle of them branching out of Black and White. This is what they mean, one by one:
"Shoved into; broke balance" lines connecting Black-Pink and White-Red: Julie was forcibly overloaded with Black energy in my youth, corrupting the entire slot. On the same note, I would force my own slot full of White energy before I was ready for it, which we think is what caused me to splinter so madly over the years. In any case this mutual overload threw off the System energy balance.
"Color balance" lines between Black-Violet and Pink-White: I'm not sure, but I think this was meant to illustrate how the White slot was trying to balance the immense amount of Black in Julie's slot by linking itself to it; unfortunately it didn't stick. Likewise, I think the Black branching out to Violet was the System's attempt to balance out the RED slot's overload of White (Red and Violet are linked slots). The reason why the Black didn't choose to branch out to the Red itself is because of the Black influence it had from Julie anyway. This could also explain why I thought Laurie was in league with Julie on some level, when I met her.
"Imbalance/bleedover?" lines between Red->Blood and Pink->Lavender: ties into both the previous overload and balance points. The Pink slot bled off most of the extra White (from the previous point) into Xenophon's slot, while the Red slot bled off most of the extra Black into Razor's slot. Since Black was still entirely corrupted at this time, and White was empty but pure, you can see the effect this bleedover had on those two individuals.
Wavy lines between Lavender->Red and Blood->Pink: shows how the Lavender slot was eventually "tied" to Red (when Xenophon was born I still held that slot), and Julie was equally tied to the Blood slot (Razor was manifested as a direct result of old Julie hacks).
"Creation link" lines between Black-Blood and White-Lavender: directly related to the previous point.
Black & white triangles in color slots: illustrated the tentative "Black/White" affinity in the system. Jewel, Josephina, Leon, and Julie were all linked to Black, and had dark sides that needed to be kept in check, as well as a susceptibility to corruption. Spine, Lynne, Waldorf, and Laurie were all linked to White, with all of them acting more as "protectors," with no dark sides to speak of (ironically, in Laurie's case, as she was nevertheless a "dark knight"). Nathaniel did NOT hold an affinity as he was supposed to be the balancing force to the other System members, a very heavy role.
Dotted line between Red/Violet and the rest of the system: showed that both Jewel and Laurie held unique and inherently linked functions in the system, operating differently from other headvoices.
Dotted line between the left and right sides of the system: divided the System into a greater Black/White affiliation, as well as a warm/cold color division. The exact extent of the B/W influence is unknown, but it may have had a stronger affect on the midslots on each side than the main slots, as the B/W flow technically hit a very strong buffer after the mutant slots. In any case, Nathaniel's true position directly on this line may help explain why he died so many times-- the old position of that slot was VERY unstable as a result.
That's it for this chart... however there are a few underlying points in this that I elaborated on in another chart, which I will show you next.

The second chart was drawn that same day (110912), except it is a theoretical chart, illustrating the possible flow of headspace upon ITS stabilization, when Laurie first manifested in 2006. The most notable differences between this chart and later ones are obvious: the entire upper half is basically empty, AND there's an "extra slot" in the very center, which was technically the only thing that existed in the System prior to at least 2003.
I'm going to be brief and clear in explaining this one.
Extra wavy slot for Jewel in the center: pre-System. Jewel was the "focal point" that it all sprang from.
"Anchor" and "Favor" lines from the Origin slot to Red and Violet: as a child I quickly anchored into Red as a personal slot, BUT prior to that I had STRONGLY favored Violet. Therefore all the anchoring potential went to that side of the System first: not only did Julie show up over there, but Laurie and Waldorf were the first "headvoices."
"Potential" labels on Red and Violet: the result of the previous point. These two slots were the first to fully anchor into the Central System.
"Persona" line from the Origin slot to Brown: any constructed downstairs personae/masks were sent to this slot, instead of affecting the actual Red slot, hence "Jess" being locked there.
The "Julie Potential" lines: shows where her energy came from. Since Julie was technically a created introject, she held a "mutated slot." Jewel, the Red holder and sole System member at the time, had to break her potential off of the Red energy as a result. This energy moved down to Brown as a necessary step before moving into Black, where it was consciously overloaded with corrupted energy. Moving it in the flow direction passed it through White, changing the energy color to Pink, which anchored in the very next slot. This movement of potential may also explain why both Razor and Jess were tied to Julie in the past.
"Bleedover?" arrow from Pink->Violet: possible corruption influence from Julie on the Violet slot prior to Laurie's manifestation, as she would have had to send her energy through it to create the splinter locks anyway.
Locks in the Green, Blue, and Indigo slots: shows "splinter lockages" in the past, thanks to the Tar breaking off parts of Julie in order to prevent other headvoices from manifesting on her side, as potential was favored there. You'll recognize those names if you've known us long enough.
"Kicked" arrow next to Waldorf in the Blue slot: related to the splinter lockage. Waldorf manifested back in 2003, but she didn't anchor (there was no system to anchor TO, yet), so when the splinters began showing up they easily shoved her out for the next several years.
6 numbered lines from the Origin slot to all midspaces: showed the dates and positions of all midspacer anchorings. Since potential favored cool colors at the time, this caused the first three successes (Ryou, Marik, and Chaos) to anchor onto that side. The warm side was not so lucky, as lack of energy there (and the instability of Red) caused most Links to fail. Genesis' anchor was a result of his slot's equal distance between the current three midspacers causing a sort of "balancing effect."
Jeepers that's a lot of text. But that's it for those, thank goodness. Hopefully that's all at least interesting to read, and not just overwhelming jargon!
Now we get to the current stuff though, which is VERY interesting.

The third and final chart is one I've been refining for several weeks now, and the one you're looking at was drawn today, reflecting what flow directions I can currently perceive or speculate upon. You'll notice that it's VERY different from the previous two-- apparently it RESET after the Scratch in February, just like everything else. However that is significant because the Scratch is what instigated my being jolted out of the Red slot and into White, so the update was apparently sorely needed anyway. Go figure, universe.
Anyway, you can clearly see why the mutant slots are so confusing right now; they are COMPLETELY cut off from the normal flow. However, the midspacers at those points (Chaos and whoever Cerise will eventually be) may be the key in moving them into the system, maybe acting as channels or something? We'll see.
You can also see that there are some tentative flow sections here: Green/Aqua/Blue and Pink/Cerise/Red are tied to the mutant slots, and Purple/Violet/Lavender and Amber/Yellow/Lime hold their own unique areas. The Vermilion/Orange and Navy/Indigo pairs MAY be linked, I don't know. Like I said, this is ALL CONJECTURE at the moment, and I will have to take a day to energetically "reach out" and try to feel for whether or not these connections actually exist.
I do find it interesting that the current distinctions, with respect to the B/W octahedron, seem to be forming a sort of taijitu within the System. See it? (Indigo and Orange are at the Yin/Yang head curves, respectively.) Also, take note that B/W are pointing at Julie and Nathaniel, respectively (and Nat is no longer split in half by the Gray line). I wonder what that means...
Speaking of taijitus, I need to thank the universe for a bit of picture synchronicity that just happened. I was going through my Photobucket and I stumbled across this screenshot from January 13th. I... I wonder if energy can move like that in headspace, somehow. In any case it's worth consideration. The little reminders like this always happen for a reason.

Lastly I have no idea what's going on in the Black slot right now, since technically both Infinitii and the Tar are in it. However, let's backtrack ALL the way back in this entry to when Laurie and I visited Razor. Remember how I mentioned that the Tar room has been disturbingly empty lately? We think we know why.
The Tar is hiding. It is actually terrified of Infinitii, as he can literally eat the Tar alive if he so wished. Since he currently lives in a bubble that I wear at all times upstairs, the Tar has been staying far away from me... at least, in its normal state it is. You'll remember I've been mentioning hacks as of late? Not the "tar hacks" from last year, which only suffocated me, not eviscerated me... no, I'm getting old-style hacks, the hellish kind. We thought those stopped when Julie joined us and Celebi died, but no, they've been continuing despite all common sense... and that's what we're beginning to wonder about.
Before I get into that, let me say that, looking back on entries over the past year or so, I've found some very interesting points about the Tar. First, remember that the Tar appeared to us in November of 2011, but it doesn't get much attention in updates until November of 2012, when "Jezebel" showed up... and which is ALSO when Razor AND Jess returned! I find that utterly bizarre, but it may simply be a result of the "shaken soda bottle" effect both school and SLC had on me: for most of that year, headspace was effectively on pause, and was being pressurized. When I suddenly found myself completely free of obligations in November, it EXPLODED. Those three returning with a vengeance was simply the result of leaving the Tar to its own devices for so long, I suppose. Here's the notes though:
- During Marik's 3rd *incident* (100912), DX told us that "Tar energy IS corruption energy but solidified." Notice he didn't say BLACK energy... and you know how that man's omissions are just as important as his spoken words.
- On 101612, Xilats said that the Tar "was wearing a white mask of some sort." That alone speaks for itself quite well! Later, I wrote that "Tar is basically an amalgamation of devoured corruption, and the more it eats, the bigger it gets." This is true, but it's also what Infinitii does. Speaking of Infi, Xilats also postulated then that "maybe if we get all that stuff out of Tar (if that's even possible), it would become small and timid? And it wouldn't bother us anymore." Go figure, right?
- Giving this one a point of its own... Xilats's biggest concern then was for me "to make sure [the Tar] doesn't become cancerous, but I told him I was afraid it already had (we had all the symptoms)." I don't know how this applies to us now. Perhaps it explains the splinter resurgence, what with the cancer-like overproduction...
- 112212 had a lot of info. First is this: "Since the Tar is very dense and heavy, it deals with the physical. So when it becomes overloaded, it swamps and suffocates everything else-- but it gets US [Julie/Spine/Jewel] first. And apparently, one of the easiest, quickest ways to stuff Tar full of density is to eat." Technically, the Tar doesn't need to move through those slots when it "expands" anymore, according to the new flowchart, and Spine moved out of her old body-empath position this year... but if Jess has one foolproof trigger, it's food. So I'm wondering how the new tentative flow of Brown/Red/Mauve being moved into a mutant position has affected things. Also, remember that Infi told me that Black energy is specifically sugary-- thick, dense, and deceivingly sweet. So the fact that chocolate is not only a lingering Tar trigger but also Julie's favorite food may be worth considering (both Hyde and Mika had relevant song lyrics concerning this too).
- 092412, Celebi's bizarre "triple *incident*", has this line: "celebi became a witch, very tarry, monstrous, kind of like perfect chaos. lots of eyes, insectoid." Now who does that remind you of? There's also this: "i 'died' momentarily, reached some sort of black interim where her spirit was, she reassured me it would be okay"... AND THIS: "lotus crystal from heart (soul gem, also psm ref), once mirrored celebi held it, i had to shoot an arrow through both, somehow reset the cathedral to crystal and then reformed it? heart healing." That is almost EXACTLY what happened in the Scratch. Honestly this whole entry is just solid proof that whatever light was in Celebi was actually Infinitii, pre-manifestation.
- Last December, Jezebel (remember her?) and Jessica used to fight ALL the time. I find this interesting, as Razor was never around when that happened, and now Razor and Jess work together, with Jezebel nowhere in sight. But looking back, Jezebel, in general, acted a LOT like our current Jess back then, especially here: "she was literally just spitting out 'stock phrases,' i.e. automatic reactions. Her words were disturbingly harsh and negative, but it was all primal and blind. She kept screaming and flailing about too". And, on 112212, I said that Jezebel "was my "offset" before JULIE even came into existence, although she was completely unformed as well. But her energy existed, that's what counts." So now, I think I can say with certainty that the old Jezebel (who DISAPPEARED shortly before the Scratch and has never returned) is now actually our current Jess. Makes perfect sense to me.
- Back on November 24th, the Tar spoke to me. At that time, it spoke like Infinitii does, AND I didn't feel threatened by it. EVERYTHING it said in that energy is noteworthy, but this is what I want to focus on now: "Tar said Jezebel is ITS splinter... it elaborated that this was the nature of the phenomenon: splinters spring from broken selves, whether consciously or unconsciously...the Tar's (and Julie's by extension) were conscious... Jezebel is simply an unhindered, self-aware piece of the Tar's own consciousness that it breaks off (notice the tense) in order to do its work more efficiently: Tar itself works as a "devil on the shoulder" sort of thing, while Jezebel has always struck me as an offset to me, an active personification of Tar energy". In light of Jezebel obviously resetting post-Scratch, and her energy turning into Jess, who is now working with Razor (who is ALSO technically part of the Tar, and Jess/Jezebel seemed to spring from HER, in light of how she acted upon her rediscovery) in a way shockingly similar to their behavior on 021012, you may be getting an idea of what we think is going on.

To conclude... we think that the Tar is just as splintered as I am right now.
It's hiding. That we know for sure. But it's not just hiding because of Infi-- it's hiding because of what we think it's DOING. The Scratch changed a lot of things, most notably the balance of power within the system. The Tar was no longer in charge. It began slipping as I began ascending, and once Easter hit and I moved into White for good, Infinitii was born, and the Tar knew the jig was up.
What's weird, though, is that my splintering is unconscious (Black), while the Tar's is conscious (White). Perhaps that's its advantage here; it's very form and behavior are hopelessly unpredictable, due to being made of a condensed overload of Black energy, so it NEEDS to splinter itself in order to function in any reliable way? Whereas it's just the opposite for me. Hmm.
As for what it's doing, that should make it obvious: the Tar can ONLY function THROUGH OTHERS. It's why it used Julie for years, but was nowhere near as much as a threat to us by itself. Razor and Jess are more dangerous than it or Julie ever were on their own... and it hid in all of them, surreptitiously, lethally.
We think it's hiding in Julie again.
She's been slipping majorly, here and there, and she's been an emotional mess on and off for a LONG time now... specifically, since about last November. Sound familiar?
I think some of the Tar stuck to her, when she came back... she was losing her color in February, remember. True, she's shown a TON of improvement post-Scratch, but that doesn't mean things haven't been boiling beneath the surface... especially since Julie's the one putting the most effort into therapy, believe it or not. The Tar doesn't like that, and we know it.
I refuse to let it hurt her again, though. It's hurt her enough, more than anyone should be hurt, and I will not stand for it attempting to do so again.
But that's where the old-style hacks are almost definitely coming from. I've been getting waking nightmares again, and some nights I'm too afraid to sleep, because... well, to be blunt, it's because old style hacks are basically the metaphysical equivalent of rape. Down to the letter.
So yeah. I'd really, really like for them to stop, since my memory is in shreds again from the many nights and mornings I've had to tear out and put God knows where for the sake of my own sanity.

I'm just afraid that I'm responsible for this whole mess, for having made that adflixerunt journal (immediately after regaining my post-Scratch footing, too) to act as a "focus" for Tar energy when things got bad. They got really bad, and I began to suspect they were using that an excuse to do so, so I shut it down... and suddenly their loudness tripled, offline.
As I said earlier, though, maybe I shouldn't be worrying as much as I am, at least not in this sense. I can't change the past now, even if I tried-- I'm done with trying to cut time to ribbons.
No, now I need to focus on my virtue challenge of Hope, and I know with absolute certainty that everything happens for a reason, whether we see it at the time or not. Every single one of these dark days is working towards the light in some secret way. My daughter is living proof of that. Infinitii is, too. Heck, we all are at this point!
Love conquers all, this I have not forgotten. Love is the only thing that the Tar cannot ever win against.
And mark my words, no matter how dark things seem to get, in the end that divine fact will be shown to be absolutely, undeniably true.

...Reviewing all these archives, I'm feeling very strange. Good strange, though. It's a glowy, "new day dawning" sort of sparkle that I haven't felt in a very long time (and of course, having had Amusium's music on loop for the past two hours has helped too). Looking back on all we've been through together, how much we have learned, how much we have grown... I was so out of tune with this for so long, and of course I actually forgot a great deal of it after the Scratch. I can't believe how much I've missed this. I can see what Genesis means.
...I am so in love with everyone in headspace right now. Everyone. They're all beautiful individuals and I am honored beyond words that I'm sharing my life with each and every one of them.
We're going to start those boxes, soon. I'm trying to get a job, for their sake. I just finished reading First Person Plural and I swear it changed my life... hearing the story of another system that suffered through hell and still got through it, together, was moving beyond words.

All right, now this journal has been nothing but an avalanche of data, and it's already after 2AM so I think it's time to call it quits. (Also, yes, there really are 6000 words in this entry. Aranea would be proud.)


Let me end it on the brightest note possible. It's something you may not expect.

Today, in church, I realized why my White self has a rainbow halo.
It's the lights of the Spectrum, shining and divine, around my head.
I noticed that the Red light was just as bright as the rest.
I reached into it.
And I saw redemption.

The lost ones will be brought home.




When you've been hurt so many times it's enough to make you blind
To anything that feels like true happiness
Nobody wants to be the foolish one but after all is said and done
You constantly settle for less
It's like a broken carousel, it just goes round & round & round
But now it's time you admit you've lost ground
Hear that sound?

The truth is sweet
Just like a baby's kiss, the truth is sweet

Go on admit it, you know you want it to be true
Go on admit it, you say you don't but you know you do
Go on admit it, you've been disguising what you feel
You could be living in a fantasy
But then that fantasy could turn out to be real

Sweet and true like my love for you

And everybody in the world's gonna wake up some day
Singing love is the answer, love is the answer
What's left to say?



 

FAQ

Apr. 30th, 2013 01:24 am
prismaticbleed: (held)

 


THIS IS NOT A JOURNAL.

This page is where the Lightraye System holds headspace discussion sessions for the sake of preserving harmony within the system.

Session topics may vary from simple life discussions, to philosophical debates, to emergency interventions.

All conversations are recorded in real-time.

This page is a raw stream of consciousness and it's not for the faint of heart.
It is, however, the most honest insight you will ever get into our lives.


Feel free to read if you wish, but do watch your step.


Our current System lineup:

 
Black = Infinitii

Red = Jewel
Gray = Mr. Sandman
Vermilion = Spine
Orange = Lynne
Gold = Genesis
Yellow = Josephina
Green = Nathaniel
Teal = Emmett
Aqua = Chaos 0
Blue = Waldorf
Smoke = Ryou
Indigo = Leon
Purple = Marik
Violet = Laurie
Lavender = Xenophon
Pink = Julie
Brown = Jess
Blood = Razor


Our old pre-scratch sessions can be found HERE.


F.A.Q.

What does the term "System" mean?
"System" refers to the phenomenon of a multiple system, of which we are all a part. To quote, it means that we are "a group of people sharing the same body, while still being individuals with their own personalities and interests."


Why are you called the "Lightraye System?"
“Lightraye” is the bestowed surname of our alleged original member, Jewel. We since expanded the name to act as a collective term, referring as a whole to the many worlds and individuals accessible through this body’s consciousness. We have named our multiple system after this term, as we are indelibly linked to those other worlds and lives as well.


What do you mean by the term "Spectrum?"
The "Spectrum" is a recent, more formal term for the collective group of individuals residing in Central headspace. It refers to the fact that our system's lineup is based upon the color spectrum. This color-code phenomenon developed spontaneously and yet it has proved to be highly significant. We do not yet fully understand it.


What is a "headvoice?"
In our jargon, a "headvoice" is a unique individual born within headspace that serves a specific function within the system as a whole. Headvoices with unstable or unclear functions can die from the lack of stabilization, while those with "function overload" may corrupt to an equally lethal extreme.
Headvoices are born from "energetic anchors," which form when sufficient mental energy is focused on a certain quality or concept that is detached from other members. This collected energy then coalesces into a headvoice, who then acts as both a protector and manifestation of that concept or quality, which in turn becomes their "function." Under certain circumstances a function can change, although this is rare and often dangerous.
Headvoices may take any form, but they are typically humanoid.


How many headvoices are in your system?
There are approximately eleven headvoices in our system that we know of.
A rule of thumb is that headvoices will always be assigned to a main color slot in the Spectrum, due to their importance.


What is "headspace?"
Headspace is simply the alternate, non-physical world which the System resides in. It is commonly referred to as "upstairs."


What's the difference between "upstairs," "downstairs," and "underground?"
"Upstairs" refers to headspace life: anything non-physical. "Downstairs" refers to physical life: what the body must participate in to survive. "Underground" refers to a specific level of lower headspace that contains very dangerous individuals, including the Tar, and so it is not typically accessible.


What is the "Tar?"
We're not sure. It seems to be a self-aware mass of corrupted Black energy, that has taken up residence below Central headspace. Although it first appeared to us in November 2011, we have theorized that it originally formed as a parasite within Julie, due to the highly negative circumstances of her manifestation and her subsequent possession by the Tar.
The Tar now appears to be working with Razor, although their attacks have decreased dramatically since Infinitii manifested (he is the true holder of the Black energy slot).


What is "central headspace" and how is it different from normal headspace?
"Central" is a specific area of headspace that has been stabilized into a sort of "safe space" for the core individuals in our system. Most headvoices live there. It is also where our discussions on this website take place.
'Normal' headspace is more strongly connected to Jewel's raw consciousness than Central; as a result it is typically fluid and highly mutable, with few 'fixed' areas.


Why do you have characters from games/ TV/ etc. up there too?
When our original body host was younger and unstable, her energy would 'branch out' rather uncontrollably. Because of this we'd often 'catch' the vibrations of same-level individuals outside our system (i.e. media sources), effectively creating a sort of energetic bridge for them to enter headspace if they so wished (recently revealed to be a Black energy phenomenon). Few individuals were able to enter, though, and even fewer were able to stay. Those who did exhibited a peculiar sort of "resonance" with our inner energy field that effectively made them just as much a part of this system as we are, and has lately been proven mandatory for such a scenario. This phenomenon is still being investigated, but that's the gist of it.



Do they count as "headvoices" too?
Technically, no, as they do not originate from inside the system, and they are entirely different life-forms as well. We refer to them as "walk-ins" or "outspacers" if need be. The same goes for "inspacers," which are individuals who enter our system from other inner worlds, but who are not headvoices or other Spectrum-exclusive lifeforms.


How many outspacers/ inspacers are in your system? Are they part of the Spectrum? Why or why not?
There are currently three outspacers and four inspacers in our system. They are indeed part of the Spectrum, but these individuals hold what are called "mid-slots," as only headvoices are able to anchor into the main colors. These individuals were given this honor as a result of their significant and benevolent influences on the System.


What does "post-Scratch" mean?
A "Scratch" is a term that refers to the hard reset of a particular timeline. Although this phenomenon is apparently impossible to achieve literally in this reality, Jewel-- one of our system members-- attempted to perform one on February 24th 2013. This "pseudo-Scratch" temporarily succeeded in deleting headspace, but one of our inspaced members was mercifully spared the effects, and took it upon himself to restore the System as best he could. As of March 13th of the same year, our System is now stable enough to function again, although suffering severe lapses in both memory and past relevancy as a result of the Scratch attempt. Fixing these discrepancies where it would be wise to do so is a continuing endeavor.


Why does Jewel speak in red if his spectrum color is White?
The Red system slot is the "base" slot, which all iterations of Jewel were originally assigned to. Since the current Jewel began stabilizing around 2011, he also held the Red slot for quite some time until his color stabilized and he moved to White.
However, it has long been speculated that both Black and White energy need to utilize the Red slot as a "base slot" to access the rest of the system. Since this color lingers in both Jewel and Infinitii, the true holder of the Red slot would most likely show a strong connection to them both. There is also some evidence that Razor is a corruption of that slot.
For the time being, Jewel has kept the Red color for conversational purposes.
In any case, the Red slot is a continuing topic of interest within the System.


Why has "Jewel" changed so dramatically over the years?
"Jewel" is actually a bestowed title, not a name, and as a result several individuals have held it in the past. It was given to the original League host sometime around 2001, as the name had existed apart from personal identity in the League prior; this bestowal marked a notable, irreversible shift in both purpose and self-awareness. Unfortunately the body was already dissociating at that time (albeit without creating a system yet), and Julie became active shortly afterwards.
Because of this, the identities of the first several "hosts" prior to the first Jewel are unknown, and the status of the original "Jewel" name holders is debatable-- they appear to have either splintered or outright dissolved due to trauma. We are currently working with a therapist to solve this mystery.


If you don't know who the original body host was, who operates it now?
The current Jewel began manifesting around 2009, although his lack of stabilization (he didn't even have a body until 2010) made it difficult for the first few years. When he is unable to front, either the "autopilot" entity takes over, or a rogue voice/splinter may hijack it.
As of 042213, one of the "voices" that drove the body frequently in the past stabilized enough to manifest. She called herself "Jess," making a clear distinction between herself and the old depressive headvoice of the same name. She was a total enigma to us, especially since she identified fully with the body, something that has never happened before within the system. However, as of 042413 she has shown a disturbing and undeniable connection to Razor, which requires further investigation. Our current theory is that the two are "splinters" of each other, and are connected to the Tar in some way.


When you say "voice," do you mean a headvoice?
No. A "voice" is a noncorporeal presence in headspace that may or may not ever stabilize into an actual individual. Many voices have come and gone in headspace, and only a select few ever anchor.
However, it is possible for a headvoice to start out as a "voice;" this happened to Nathaniel before his most recent resurrection, as his original Spectrum slot was reassigned and he needed to stabilize into a different one first in order to manifest again.
Splinters may also turn into voices if they gain enough energy to anchor as one, although this is rare.


What causes Spectrum colors to switch?
Spectrum colors switch according to one's function. Certain slots hold certain mandatory responsibilities within the System, so if an individual is no longer capable of meeting those requirements they will have to switch slots. This has previously happened to Spine, Leon, and Nathaniel, and all for very different reasons (misplacement, death, and rebirth, respectively).
The Spectrum itself is a very strange phenomenon and it is still being researched, so any and all information we have about it currently is subject to change at any time.
Emmett seems to be in the process of switching as of 042913 (he manifested into a slot that did not match him (Teal); this is not uncommon), so we will be keeping tabs on his condition.


What are splinters?
"Splinters" are pseudo-voices that have broken off from an individual's core personality due to trauma of some sort. These are the most similar to the archetypal "alter" often referenced in psychology, as they do not develop actual personalities of their own, but instead operate almost compulsively according to what they splintered from. They also have no bodies of their own, and so they are only ever perceivable if and when their host dissociates.
Splinters do not typically "manifest," and if they do, it is not in the typical fashion; rather, they act like parasites to their host individual at first, only breaking off if and when they are allowed to continue this (through dissociation) for a long period of time. Once "splintered off," they may gain a temporary headspace form and appear to become autonomous, but such splinters have been proven incapable of functioning once cut off from their root motivation, sometimes even dissolving back into non-corporeal energy from the shock of outside awareness.


Are there any splinters currently in the System?
Yes, although their exact number is unconfirmed, and they are all still incorporeal. Most of them appear to have broken off the original body host, whose identity is still unknown. We are currently trying to track these splinters down in order to heal the lingering traumatic damage they are so single-mindedly focused on perpetuating.
Previous splinters included Missy, Bridget, Jezebel, Celebi, Fragment, and Thanatos. The latter two were incorporeal, while the former four all manifested temporarily. They have all dissolved, although the energy that formed them may still linger in one form or another. The surprisingly benevolent energy that would sometimes manifest through Celebi seems to have anchored within Infinitii, which is not surprising considering his color slot.
Jessica was a headvoice, not a splinter (she was previously referred to as such), but she was self-destructive and died shortly after Nathaniel first manifested.
Both Razor and Jess may be splinters, but this has not been proven, since they both show a great deal of self-awareness and manifested under unusual circumstances.
Emmett and Kyanos are technically in the same boat; they are brand new and we do not know where they fit right now.


Who are Razor, Emmett, and Kyanos?
Razor is an extremely violent individual whose sole motivation seems to be to destroy the System. She manifested spontaneously during the first episode of traumatic self-abuse the body endured, back in October 2008, but was originally assumed to have died at Laurie's hands the same day. She was "re-awakened" in February 2012 and has since been a major threat to our well-being, frequently working with the Tar itself. She may or may not be hijacking the Blood Lotus Cathedral itself; this needs to be investigated further.
Emmett is a snake-like entity that began forming in October 2012 and manifested on 042113. His original function was solely to "save" the body from all Razor triggers, often (unfortunately) by compulsively vomiting; he finds the act of eating to be "traumatic" in any case. We suspect that he anchored into an old eating disorder, as those were never healed. Despite this he is purely benevolent, and has shown both the will and the capability to learn and grow. We're all very fond of him already.
Kyanos is an angel-like child that was suddenly "shocked" into manifestation on 042313, two days after Emmett appeared. He appears to have anchored into some sort of unknown abuse or trauma, as he is terrified of physical contact and any suggestion of such. This is significant, as his consciousness was explicitly "created" immediately after the Scratch, on 022613, in an attempt to find a replacement for Jewel as an anchor. His consciousness unfortunately faded entirely (possibly a sort of death) within a few hours, so his state of being over the past two months (and its affect on his now manifested form) is a mystery to us as of yet. Interestingly, he also appears to hold Nathaniel's original light-blue color, although we are unsure as to where it fits in the current Spectrum lineup (since Waldorf moved into the Blue slot when she re-stabilized).


Why do some individuals listed on the site rarely talk?
Conversations on this site happen via a "channel," or a mental link between the body's awareness (recently revealed to be the Red slot autopilot) and those of the individuals conversing in a session. However, channeling is a difficult process, and it takes skill to keep a channel open and running coherently for an extended period of time. Some individuals are not capable of speaking in such a manner for long, or may not know how. Most commonly, some simply find written channels too confusing: communication in headspace is not strictly verbal, so even veteran channelers may find their actual intentions lost in translation.
In rare cases, individuals do not have channeling rights, and so are typically banned from speaking. Both Julie and Leon were locked out of sessions during their malevolent phases in the past. The only listed members without channeling rights are Jess and Razor, as they are both viciously malevolent individuals and are not even allowed upstairs, let alone into sessions.

 

Why don't you guys update more often?
Hosting a Xanga session takes a great deal of time and personal energy. This varies wildly depending on the amount of individuals speaking, the number and severity of topics discussed, and the nature of the session in general. The average session lasts anywhere from two to six hours, but more complicated sessions can last up to 10-12 hours. Sessions this long are typically all-nighters. Lastly, sessions are held in a nonstop fashion as often as possible, in order to keep channels from deteriorating or outright failing as a result of a break in the stream of consciousness.

Nevertheless, although we would love to update once a week, our currently schedule obviously does not favor such an ideal. Not only does our system have to deal with the menial concerns of a physical existence, but we also have to deal with our own upstairs lives at the same time. Due to the myriad and frequently unexpected events on both levels, we often do not have sufficient time or energy left to get everyone together and host a session. We are, however, trying to find a happy medium concerning this situation.


Feel free to leave questions as a comment to this entry; we'll be glad to answer them either here or in an actual session.


For general post-scratch headspace updates please visit this site instead.

 


unchained

Apr. 8th, 2013 03:26 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE INFINITII ETERNOS LAURIE UBERICH MR. SANDMAN



Good morning, sunshine.

Hello.

Oh. Hi. Didn't expect you in a Xanga session this early, let alone at all.

Why not.

Didn't think you were accessible.

If you are accessible, I am too. Are you looking for Laurie?

Obviously.

Hm. Does she know we are having a session?

Probably not. I didn't plan on using this one anytime soon, but hey-- surprise day off from school, past few days have been nuts, I figured why not.

*nods* So are we discussing that?

Jeepers Infi, how are you syncing into this so quickly already?

I'm adaptable. It's in my nature.

Well that's good.

Whoa whoa whoa, hold up just a bleeding second. We're talking with Infi??

You're calling him Infi?

It's a nickname.

Still!

Infi, Infinitii, whatever. My point is, how the heck is he already session-ready?

He says he's adaptable.

It's true.

Huh. Oh well, no use complaining about the details, you could help us out. So, kid. What's the topic? Why the heck are we in here at 9AM of all things?

Uh, a couple reasons I suppose? Mostly though, because I keep getting very painful and intrusive hacks into my consciousness and-- holy sharks, Infi I just realized you saved my sanity three times in a row lately, thank you.

You're welcome. I was wondering when you'd catch on.

Wait, what do you mean?

I took away all rights to my energy manipulation upstairs from everyone besides the Tar; in other words, the Black slot. And yesterday alone there were two very big incidents of such, BUT Infinitii was directly involved in both, so, technically he just saved my neck. Thanks bro.

It was needed. Tar was trying to harm you all day. If we didn't work together to cleanse it, you would have fallen even further this morning.

Are you insinuating that he's already fallen since he woke up?

Somewhat. Like he said, the Tar is ruthless.

You seem oddly nonchalant about it.

It's a simple observation.

Guys, can you give me a moment? We haven't spoken in a very long time and I'm having trouble getting clear channels running. I hope neither of you are being mistranslated.

Wait, just a second. That's what I want to discuss, for once. Why the heck haven't you been around?

Same reason I scratched this in February. Please, Laurie, just two minutes, I need to fix my head.

Fine. But as soon as you get back we are discussing that point.

Wait.

What?

You did not give your reason yet. What was it?

Oh. Uh... Laurie kind of hit the nail on the head, unintentionally.

Unintentionally? Kid, I mean every single thing I do and say.

Good point. But yeah, I am worried about how dark I'm becoming lately. I've been a mess since my surgery, which is very disturbing because I was doing okay after the "start from scratch" attempt?

Are you kidding me? You've been fluctuating wildly between light and dark since the bloody thing!

Do you think maybe that's because I wasn't supposed to survive the bloody thing?

Don't get sassy with me, boy. You heard your boss. There are bigger forces at work here.

Why should the "bigger forces" be concerned with me--

Remember what your daughter said.

...

What did she say?

...Holy smoke, I was about to tell you and then I realized you have the same ears as her, just a lot bigger. Was that intentional?

Ah. No, it was more of reverse relevance.

Meaning?

Meaning she probably got them from me.

How the heck would that even happen?

I was torn out of Jewel, remember.

Stop calling me that.

Before that event, I was still part of him, of course--

Wait. Sorry to interrupt, bro, but the kid just said something really bloody stupid.

It's not stupid, Laurie, it's true. The name doesn't fit.

Because of the people that used to call you by it?

...Mostly. The sound has become tainted. It's energy no longer matches mine.

Here's a question. What does that name's energy feel like then, now?

What was our topic, even? Were we discussing anything?

We're talking about whatever the heck comes up, that's how we do these sessions, we don't worry about any fixed structure. It always works out somehow.

You can't do that. Things need to be organized and coherent. We need order and structure. It's the only good thing.

That and "cold," huh? Is that why you're acting like this? You're freaking out over black and white "good and evil" nonsense again, even now??

I can't hold fire anymore. Fire destroys coherence. Fires of hell and all that. I can't hold it, I can't keep the Red slot, it's too angry, it's the color of blood. I can't keep my old name. It feels wrong. It was never a name anyway.

Yeah, it was a title, given to you by the Dream World, I know. You knew at least two other Jewels up there, too, didn't you?

Yeah, lovely women.

Is that why it doesn't fit anymore?

Not quite. The gender part only ties in to my old "persona," the one from 2001-2004 or so.

The Klonoa-ears one.

Precisely.

If I'm not mistaken, you just dismantled that one.

Yeah, I did. It never felt like me anyway, it was always third-person, even in headspace-- why am I talking about identities like this is a thing? Why can't I ever annihilate myself? Why do all my efforts fail?

Because nothing short of straight-up suicide is actually going to end you, kid, and I'm not about to let that happen.

...

You're not protesting that statement?

No... because you brought that scar back.

Oh. ...Oh, okay.

...

All right, go take that mental break now if you want to. These channels really are getting pretty frayed.

Thank you.

So are we good now, or what?

...He loves me far too much.

Who?

My boss.

Oh. Yeah, no kidding, the man's a saint.

I don't deserve that, with what I've done, to myself and other people.

Like what?

...Julie needs to get out of that color slot.

She can't. She belongs there. We've discussed this.

Then we need to fix her, somehow.

Kid, what the heck is going on up there? You okay? Big picture, I mean.

Big picture, yes. Always. That's what boss reminds me of.

As you were saying...

Yeah, I get it. But he won't let me die. Wouldn't, either. Kept picking papers out of the flames. Sometimes I really wonder why he picked me, of all people, to be his Apprentice. I don't feel worthy of the title at all, especially not when it's tied to someone like him. But, last night, I asked him if I was a disappointment, and he laughed. He smiled, and he laughed, and he said I was "exactly the opposite." I don't know how to feel about that.

Why not?

Because I've disappointed myself.

Let's visit that point for a moment. What impossible standards do you have going for yourself, kid?

Meaning?

Meaning, why are you disappointed in yourself?

He expects to be pure white. If he is not, he feels unworthy of it. He tried to give it to me yesterday.

The heck? Jewel, that's your color, not Infi's!

He's got it brighter in him than I ever did and probably ever will.

That's not true.

He's you, for heaven's sakes!

He's what I could have been.

How would that even work?

No, think about it. Look at me, destroying my own heart, splintering my entire self. I almost ended up the last man on earth, because I was willing to effectively decapitate my own soul in order to cut myself off from who I had become, and from everyone I had ruined. Whatever "light" you clam to see in me now, as far as I'm concerned, is just an illusion. Any real light, and love, is all in Infi now. I'm nothing. I'm the true shadow here, a shadow of whatever "angel" I used to be in your opinion, with how far I've fallen. I'm not worthy of this color. In my hands it's just bleach. Just nothingness. If anyone can actually hold this hue, it sure as heaven isn't me.

Okay, I get the picture, geez.

Are you trying to kill me, then? I who am your heart? 

I-- no, no Infi, I could never kill you, I'd never want to--

Then don't kill your self because it is my heart too. Don't switch our colors. I am meant to be Black, you are meant to be White. You can't reverse that without us completely resetting our identities. Don't take that as an invitation.

...

Suddenly his motivation makes sense!

Very funny, Laurie.

I want to know why you hate existing so much.

I'm ashamed of my narcissism, maybe.

What narcissism?

I'm tired of being important. Ever since my childhood, I've had everyone and their brother telling me that "I was born for a reason" downstairs and that "I have an incredibly important role" upstairs. Then you guys showed up, and your lives were anchored to mine, and that was the last straw. After a while I was just sick and tired of being the center of the universe. I didn't want anyone else to suffer for it, though. I didn't choose to be important, but if I had to be, then I wanted to be important in my unimportance.

Like a galaxy rotating around a black hole.

Maybe-- Laurie, was that an injoke?

Half of one. Point is, kid, you're still important, and you still exist.

I'm so tired though.

I know. But honestly, kid, I think it's downstairs life that's getting to you. You're being pulled in all directions. Really, at night, when you're asleep enough to forget it all and you come up here, I love seeing you so simply happy. That's the only time I ever see you smile anymore, is when you're not even halfway bloody conscious. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?

Intellectually, maybe. Empathy's been slipping from me lately.

How? That used to be one of your strongest points!

I think... really, I think that my several Scratch attempts really upset my Links. They are what allowed me to feel what other people felt, in the past. It's why my teenage self-image was a mess; I was always reaching out to people with them, losing myself in their stories and thoughts, never considering my own, let alone whether or not I really had any. It's WHY I was able to type Dream World so well for years-- because I wasn't in the picture!! But then headspace became a thing, and I was forced to be a person of my own for once, and... I'm still not used to it. I'm not comfortable with this. Except now, it's become so deeply rooted that I can't change it. I can't run from it. Like it or not, I am anchored to this Spectrum just as much as you guys are, and all my desperate attempts at pseudo-suicide are simply feeble wishes that I wasn't.

...

So why did your Links suffer?

They always did, when I would work with headspace, because they require me to completely let go of my self-image and be the other person. That's why so many outspacers came in and out of Central back then; that's what allowed them to! My energy would branch out and bring them in, but only those whom it resonated with could stay. But yeah, the more I had to focus on myself, the more my Link capacity suffered. Parnassus began to falter first, you all remember that.

Yeah, it pretty much hit the floor as soon as JTHM entered the picture.

And I tried to Link with that too, remember? Johnny even visited Central once or twice! Unfortunately that's when you and Lynne and maybe even Nat were already around, though, so--

Unfortunately? In comparison to what?

In comparison to me not having any ties to anyone as an individual. You swore your life to protecting me, to helping me to "become the person I needed to be." Ironically, that mission statement was the root of all my problems. I didn't want to become a person at all.

So that motivated the Scratch on the 24th, huh. You wanted to delete all of us, all the reasons why you had to "be a person," and go back to writing your Link-worlds without a second thought as to your own existence.

Yes.

Too bad, you're the Sandman's Apprentice now.

That's my point.

You said he loves you too much. I don't think "too much" applies to him.

"Too much" applies to anyone who values my life that much. You guys shouldn't care.

Why not?

You have your own lives to worry about.

And mine is anchored to yours, you just said that. Once again, we've been over this.

...

Geez, you don't look happy about that at all.

I wish there was a better way. Laurie, I really wish I could just... sacrifice my self, somehow, like I actually managed to do for a short time after the life-scratch. Do you remember?

What?

I managed to tear out that part of myself. My entire upstairs identity became autonomous, and for a week all of you guys were living in harmony with it, as a separate world. You became "series #12," Blood Lotus Cathedral. You became a Link-world, not headspace.

And you were left empty and devoid of all identity, remember?

I liked that!

Did you really.

You were happy! You were still anchored but not to my stupid downstairs life. I--

Hold up, there's that point again.

What, downstairs? It's true! I can't seem to juggle that and this! Downstairs I can type IF I don't have an identity on any other level! When headspace exists, boom, suddenly I have a self somewhere, and the Links can't get through that somehow! I'm always in my own way. It's been happening since 2003, when I used to visit Ryou and Marik, I knew something was wrong because I was becoming a person when I was around them-- they called me by name and no one had ever done that before. It was so weird at first, having these kids who insisted they loved me "for me," and then Chaos showed up and everything went to hell--

Quite the opposite, really.

Laurie, do you understand what I'm telling you?

I understand that you've got a real serious problem, kid. You want to exist as an unimportant speck in reality, without any role in the world beyond channeling another world that means everything to you despite that. You want to exist solely as an artist. You don't want a name, or a face, or a home, or a self. You want to "fulfill your purpose," and then die. Kid, did you ever think that maybe your purpose is a whole heck of a lot bigger than that??

You and boss keep telling me that, yeah.

Do you believe it yet?

No. I can't comprehend it yet.

...Geez, kid. What the heck will it take?

I don't know.

Infi, you got any thoughts on this?

Not really.

No? Seriously?

"Importance" isn't a word I'm familiar with in that sense. I'm new to existence. I'm here to do what I was created to do, that is all.

And what's that?

What I'm created to do?

Yeah. S'far as I'm aware, you were forcibly yanked out of Jewel's ribcage a few days ago, and then stuck in a bubble. Speaking of, is that where we are right now?

Yeah. Infi can't leave it.

Then how the blood did I get in here?

I called you in.

No, I mean-- I warped to you, sure, but isn't this location locked out?

Not necessarily. I mean, I don't think--

I let you in. It's okay, I know you're not a threat.

Good. So I'm allowed in here whenever I want?

If you wish.

Cool. I want to get to know you better, you're an interesting fellow. Anyway. Jewel. Where were we?

Purposes.

And how yours is bigger than you realize.

Better question. What's yours?

Protecting you.

That's it?

Well, you and everyone else up here, but mostly you. For some reason, I've been utterly bloody convinced of your importance to the System as a whole since I first showed up in this world. So yeah, you're my number one priority. Infi, I think your role revolves around him too.

Of course. He is me, and I am him, technically.

Elaborate on that, please? That's really freaking weird.

Yeah, do you even count as a headvoice?

The heck are you asking? Don't you know?

Well, not quite? Headvoices just "appear." They manifest when a fitting energy anchor for their slot is created, and enough of it gathers for them to manifest. I have no control over it, no say in it. But Infi was forced to manifest. The Tar freaking tore him right out of me, you know that.

Sounds like he's in a class of his own, then.

Yeah. But he is tied to me, I know that.

Of course. Our energy mirrors each other.

So I've noticed.

And I've heard you're trying to clear his out?

There is a lot of Tar stuck in him. It's gathered over the years, I think. I don't yet understand why it keeps coming back.

There must be a direct feed.

That makes sense-- wait, do you think it's Razor??

What do you mean?

Come on, you were just asking me about that yesterday, whether or not she fit the Red slot in your absence, what with how the Tar's always messing with your old color. What if she does?

Black and White are tied to Red, so she might.

See? Maybe that's what's causing you to keep falling back into it. Infi, how does that affect you? Are you affected by it?

Not exactly. See, I am the Black slot. Not Tar. Any energy it tries to infect me with can simply be converted. I eat it.

You eat it.

I eat it, or I destroy it. Either way, I keep the energy clear, in this bubble.

Are you supposed to move down into the Tar Room when that villain gets the heck out of there, or what?

Possibly. I think there's a certain Basilica that's more suited for me, though.

...Oh.

Yeah, where the heck was that, even? Below the Tar Room, right?

Yes.

Is it supposed to be black?

Yes.

Huh. So what the heck is the Tar Room, then? A glitch?

Possibly. I wouldn't know. Jewel, that's a question you need to answer.

You're coming through much more clearly now, just wanted to say that.

Good. Do you know?

No. But maybe it is a glitch. I first saw the room in 2011, the day after the "soft reset," and the room just appeared so maybe it manifested spontaneously... I'm just wondering why the whole "red lights" incident felt so true, if I'm supposed to be White.

Wait. Hold on.

What?

That's it. Red is your downstairs color. White is your upstairs color. Does that make sense?

Intellectually, maybe, but how the heck does that work??

I don't bloody know! Infi, do you know?

No, but it is an interesting thought.

Also, can I just say you look creepy as heck with all those mouth-wings.

It's much easier to talk this way.

Heheh, I figured. Looks good though.

Okay guys, wait a second again.

What?

That old entry. "Tar and Glass." Sound relevant yet?

Holy swords, we're in a glass bubble right now, aren't we?

Indeed we are.

Keep going kid, what else?

Well, first, you know how I said the Tar Room "spontaneously appeared?"

Yeah.

Remember how headspace looked before Central was a real thing? It was all white, featureless, and unformed, remember?

...Shoot. So you're saying that Tar is hijacking unformed headspace?

It could be. It could honestly be using that raw White energy as an anchor to keep it "floating" between the real Black slot location, which is Infi's territory, and the real White slot location, which is the Lotus Cathedral.

No Blood?

I'm not sure. Remember it only held that old name because of the Razor Spire.

Oh man. Kid, I think you are seriously on to something, this is boss.

Isn't it? Thanks Infi, for the inspiration to look this stuff up.

You're welcome.

You seem amused.

I am.

But that would explain why I keep getting hacked! If the Tar can't exist without White energy-- which it HAS admitted to the letter in the past-- then...

Then I need to take its place.

Yeah. That's kind of our only option, I think.

We need to kill the Tar first, though. I don't think it's going to leave quietly under any circumstances.

It doesn't die, we've tried. Can't we transmute it?

What, into Infi's energy?

Into anything non-corrosive. Maybe we can... iridize it.

Oh, come on, no injokes on serious topics.

Hey, you should at least be glad I'm trying to lighten up!

I am! But see, kid, this is what I'm talking about. When you're utterly immersed in this, our upstairs world, you're happy. You're even blissful on your best days. The heck is causing the disconnect between here and there? Downstairs, I mean.

I'm not sure. Maybe it's just the bane of the physical. Stuff doesn't match up. It should though. There's gotta be a way.

...Hold up.

Again?

Again. Maybe that's why it's important for you to be the Apprentice.

...You think?

Sheesh, boss specifically said that's anchored downstairs, didn't he? I mean, really, you can't even legit move into the role until your physical body dies, that is unless meatspace changes its inherent makeup sometime soon.

Yeah. Dude that does make sense. It would also explain the red robes, hey!!

Exactly!

Doesn't red mean life in that world, too?

I dunno, that's your pool of knowledge, not mine.

I thought you had free reign to rifle through all my memories whenever you wanted, love?

I do, but that stuff is data. Some of it is stored in locations that even my sleuthing abilities can't find out.

Really?

Yeah. Maybe it's outspaced, who knows.

Could be.

Either way, here's the list.

Good old Scherzando!

Okay, so Red is Destiny in Oneircia, that's cool. It's a lesser form of Creation in Parnassus, too.

Really? How so?

Well, Parnassus is still blurry, but I think Blue there is creation of life, and Red is creation of matter.

Ah. Which ties right in to you and headspace anyway, so.

Yeah. Oh, and it's Life magic in Puppetstrings too.

What is it in Rosewindow?

Uh... it's listed as Honor, Respect, and Compassion there.

That's interesting.

Yeah. But this is an older file, too... seeing how, lately, I've seen more of that world, I think I can say with confidence that Red is Life there too, at least on some level.

Is Violet Death?

Probably. Death, Change, Transition, stuff like that.

Sweet.

But what is Red, here?

...

Sounds like it's Life here, too.

It's... Red here has always struck me as the anchor point. Probably because of me. But it's... what does it feel like... fire.

Fire?

Yeah. Condensed potential? Heat, maybe. A sense of preparation. It's odd.

Maybe it's not an "anchor" so much as it's a grounding point for the other colors?

Maybe.

Red is considered to be the first color seen by mankind.

The first piece of the Spectrum after Black and White, there you go!

Huh. Could it be that simple?

Maybe. You make things far too complex, kid. Now what's this "prism" thing?

What?

In your entry last night. You said prisms are important. What's that about?

Geez, do you read everything I write?

Yes. I am your personal professional stalker. Now spill.

Okay, haha. It's also part of the "iridize" injoke from earlier.

I know, go on.

Well, both the White and Black slots are supposed to be iridescent by nature. Prismatic, even.

Uh-huh. Yeah, I kind of noticed that rainbow sheen going on with you. Infi doesn't seem to have it though, what's with that?

I cannot, yet. Not until the Tar is moved out completely.

Ah. So what's your deal for now?

Stars. The quiet of space.

Looks good. That's soul form stuff right there, isn't it?

Exactly. Much more muted, though. It's the basic energy, not the actual phenomenon.

Geez, you guys are more important than I realized.

There's that word again.

You seem less upset about it than you were earlier, though.

I am, actually. It's a stupid paradox. I'm willing to be important if the importance doesn't involve me?

Explain? How does that apply to this directly?

Well, you mentioned soul forms. Anyone can achieve one if they can anchor into this energy. I don't mind being the reason why that energy is up here, if that is indeed true, as long as that energy is not "me," or inherently tied to me in order to exist.

I see.

Yeah. Being a rallying point is fine, but I don't want to be the one getting the attention.

You want to be a channel is all.

Yes!

Could've guessed that one, it's the oldest one in the book. So you'd prefer if people go running for water, but don't think of the faucet.

Basically.

Even if you're in the middle of a bleeding desert.

Hey, at least the people are getting water, I don't think they care where it comes from.

And that's what you want?

Yeah. I want to be importantly unimportant, if my personal significance cannot be changed?

I got it, yeah. So you've told your boss about this?

Essentially. Ironically I don't think he has a problem with it. Sandmen are incredibly important in the Rosewindow worlds, after all, but they typically work behind the scenes. Which I'm totally okay with. They travel through time and space but they might not keep the same face, or form, or anything. They don't even have names, just titles. They're ever-changing dream wanderers, existing for the good of the all, and massively important to existence somehow, even if no one knows about them.

Sounds like your ideal job.

Haha, it kind of does, looking back on it.

But that does not tie into your downstairs life yet, does it?

No. Not literally. I still have to do "daily life" stuff yet.

You just don't like taking care of a body is what it is, I think.

Maybe! That is something I have a lot of trouble with in any case. I just don't like having a static form, especially not one that everyone else has pieced together on a whim. I don't like having one name, and one face, and one life. It makes me feel trapped.

Which is why you love headspace. And Link-worlds, too.

Exactly. I can be anything up here. I can be nothing, and I can be everything! I can completely tune myself out and watch for hours if I want. That makes me so happy. That's all I want.

Well, your boss sounds like he's trying to do that for you.

Probably. I really do love him though. I don't treat him anywhere near as well as I should.

Are you kidding? You treat the man like gold!

I'm always late for work and my selfish attempts at suicide have nearly cost him his life several times already. I'm probably just a pain in the neck for him at this point.

And yet he specifically said you're the exact opposite of a disappointment.

...He did.

Kid, you used to do this with Marik all the time too, remember? Whenever there's someone upstairs who you feel is being left out, specifically by you, you go way out of your way to make them feel loved and appreciated.

No I don't.

You don't go as far as you'd like, no, because you're not capable. You only have so much time and space to give. But the intention and effort are not lost, even if you don't "do" anything outwardly. That stuff echoes. We all know you love us more than you'd ever dare admit to yourself.

I can't feel anything lately.

It would likely crush you if you could.

...

It is being blocked, either way.

I know.

Is that because of the old blocks?

Partly. We're in the process of moving those out, though.

So I heard, wink nudge cough.

Laurie, shut up.

Heheh. Gotta tease you about your weird life sometime, kid.

True.

But the Red channel is what we should be concerned about now, if that is true.

Yeah, I need to go back and review the entry I mentioned earlier.

You mind doing that now?

What? Now?

Yeah. Go review it, and then we can talk about it here. Sound good, Infi?

The sooner we can solve this the better, so yes.

Aiite, cool. Jewel, go read.

Give me a second... okay, first off, when the Tar was still young, it acted more like an "antihero" than a flat-out villain. It was always trying to "make me learn" by example.

By demonstrating to you what you were not, right? Yeah, I remember that. When'd it all go downhill?

When the Celebi stuff started happening, I think? That was barely two months later, so it was fast.

Makes sense.

...Infi, that's not what you're supposed to be like, is it?

No... I don't think so.

You mean you aren't even sure??

No. I think the Tar is supposed to be Jewel's shadow. He is white, and that is his offset.

Not you?

I am him. I'm the positive side of that void.

Like what Ryou told me during our 4th incident!

Seriously?

Yeah!! Well, wordlessly maybe. But the truth sticks to him. It's how you "need the darkness for the stars to shine." He's a Paladin of Void upstairs, a divine spellcaster that uses shadow as its holy weapon. That's pretty important.

Holy swords, it really is.

Geez there's so much I need to review from last winter in my entry logs. LOTS of relevance that I didn't have the knowledge to see before. This is big.

We can do that later today, kid. Right now we're two hours into a session and I really don't want to take up your whole morning with this stuff.

Gotta go play Nier while the house is quiet, right?

Heck yes, Xennie's been asking me why you don't play that more often.

She has?

Yeah, she loves that game just as much as you do!

Oh-- dude you just reminded me. You know how her middle name is Yonah?

Yeah, cracked me up when I found out. That's adorable.

Maybe, but uh... you know. Shades and stuff.

Oh. Oh. Geez, how did I not catch that?? And she looks like Infi, a little! Is that tied together too?

Probably.

Holy flaming swords, I knew that had to be important.

Haha, I told you things move fast in headspace!

You're preaching to the choir, kid! Now what else is in that entry? I'm curious now.

Well, it kept pointing out how I needed "offsets" or dichotomies to understand truths about life?

Like what?

Like only knowing that I am "of the Light" through knowing the truth about the Dark? It's hard to put into words... it's the principle of not truly understanding true joy unless you've known the deepest sorrow.

Makes sense. And that's what it said to you at first?

Yeah, that was literally my first impression of it.

How the heck did it get so violent so fast?

Let me keep reading... dude, it attacked you as soon as you walked in!

Yeah, that's why I'm bloody asking! Why the sudden switch?

It sees you as a threat.

To?

To its existence. As a protector, you are sworn to eliminating all darkness of that sort in the system. In order for Tar to survive, it needs that darkness to exist. Your existence, therefore, stands in direct opposition to it.

...Shoot, so does that mean that it's tied to Red but opposed to Violet?

Maybe.

Where the heck does Pink come in, then?

Pink is an extra slot, isn't it?

I don't quite understand Pink, yet. That's something you and I need to look into more.

Yeah.

Wasn't it technically a "splinter" of Red back when you were a kid? An alternate base slot, maybe?

Maybe! Dude that kind of makes sense.

Huh. It's interesting, is what it is. Keep reading. What else did you write about that stuff, before Leon yanked us out?

Chaos showed up.

Yeah, forgot you didn't mention that.

Both of you were freaking out though.

Well, obviously! I'd never seen anything like that before, and it felt really bleeding ominous!

Oh-- oh dude, when we blasted it with that triple-energy attack, which was white, it suddenly warped the space into a church??? Infi is that where we went on the-- don't smile at me like that, okay, that's a yes.

I was simply using the same energy.

So the Tar Room is supposed to be a church??

No, White energy naturally coalesces into church-like structures when it is forced to solidify, thanks to Jewel's energy being tied to it. Cathedrals, Basilicas, Churches.

Sacred places.

Yes.

Huh. Wonder if that holds any extra relevance with Leon, with how he can jump to them.

Question. Is he jumping, or is he forming pocket mindscapes TO jump to?

...Dude I don't actually know. I don't think he knows.

He says it's random. Seeing as how those places are usually inaccessible otherwise, it sounds to me like there's instantaneous structuring of raw headspace going on.

Dude. Wow. I admire that guy even more now.

Heheheh!

So that gives more proof to the Tar Room being malformed raw headspace.

Exactly. We're making progress!

Awesome. Anything else relevant to today's discussion in there?

Let me see... oh! The swords!

Heck yes, the swords.

I have those too.

Yeah, you showed us earlier, scared the bleeding life out of me. Why the heck are they so big, are you pulling an Ichigo Kurosaki on us?

They pressurize when he shrinks them.

I must use Black energy to form mine. That energy is very unstable in headspace right now.

Ah, okay. So Jewel's swords use White energy?

That's why they're crystalline, yeah.

Why the heck does Chaos have one too, then? Is that just because he's tied to you?

Maybe? Infi, what do you think?

Definitely.

Well that was an awfully sure answer, haha.

Chaos is very closely tied to Jewel's energy. So are many of the other midspacers. This is because they used his energy to anchor into this system.

True.

Laurie, I don't think you even considered that part.

Not the second half, no.

You're such a tease.

Someone's gotta do it, kid.

Oh yeah, and then I stored the sword in my chest. Like I usually do.

Do you have literal hammerspace in there, or what? Because I swear, kid, you hit like a truck.

So you understand what Chaos means when he says that now!

No kidding, that's why it took me ages to put my walls all the way down around you, mister levity!

Infi, would you have gravity stuff too?

Possibly. I've never checked.

Yeah, dude's only a few days old.

April 3rd happened an eternity ago, I swear.

What can I say, time is infamously weird up here.

But yes. Chest-swords.

What about them?

Well, space is pretty darn weird up here, too.

You're like... dating both those concepts too. Somehow.

It's inevitable. I like weird things. What does that say about you.

I am going to kill you.

Hahaha!

You two are great.

Good to hear. You two are, uh, pretty great too.

Shut up Laurie, and stop laughing.

No, I'm serious! I don't know what the heck's going on with this self-split stuff in here, but whatever you're doing, it's cool. Just keep brightening up my boy here, and I don't care what you two do.

Are you poking fun at me, Laurie?

Yeah, haha, and that grin is super creepy.

I could just stare, if you want.

Okay, no, the eyes are worse.

Hehe.

Guys, one last thing in this entry.

What?

The whole thing about how to "defeat" the Tar, or not.

Can you quote it?

Sure. "We couldn't kill the ego, we couldn't fight it... so I had left it alone. I left it to just be the balance it was, to stop struggling and just live despite it. But there was a deeper truth. If violence and anger and pain and sorrow couldn't touch it... then we had to let that go, and just love. Love conquers all, without fighting at all."

Sounds legit.

So love is the answer, yet again. Thanks, Todd Rundgren!

Yet again, my incessantly teasing you about these topics has relevance.

Ahaha.

No, I'm serious.

We don't have to use that process anymore, if the blocks are cleared sufficiently enough.

Are they, do you know?

They should be, but I think it keeps moving back in, as I said.

Shoot. All right then, that's our number once concern: stopping the freaking floodgate that is letting the Tar slip right back in here.

Yeah, I don't like it.

Really? Even if you agree with it? I'd think that's what's letting it in.

No, Laurie, listen... I... I might not understand it very well, what with how traumatic my past has been concerning all this energy and all, but... last night, talking to Infinitii, we were discussing how Black and White energy is passive and active in terms of creation, respectively; right?

Wait, what? How did I not hear about this?

You didn't hear about it?

No! Fill me in kid, come on.

Okay. So White energy is active creation energy. When used by a person, like with raw headspace, it allows for direct conscious creation through it. Black energy, though-- the stuff of soul forms-- is passive, which is fascinating. Passive creation means that Black simply allows creation to happen through itself. You can't actively control how it manifests. You just intend for creation to happen, and it does the rest.

Is that why the Tar is so manic? Because it can't really control how its own energy manifests?

Probably? It's an interesting thought.

Yeah, no kidding. Wait, Infi, what about you?

Jewel saw me when I was first manifesting, he can attest to that.

Ah, yeah, you were all over the place!

And my current form only manifested because it occurred through you.

Elaborate on that?

I am formed of Black energy, but I was specifically taken from Jewel in order to manifest. When forced to take a form, I had no control over the matter. My native energy allowed a form to manifest based on passive potential within Jewel.

Aha, that makes sense! So Black energy runs on potential, so to speak?

Yes, I suppose that's a clear way to put it.

And White is more specific? Narrowing down of potential, rather.

Yeah, sounds like it.

Cool. This is good, I'm learning a lot of important things today.

Haha, I almost said "Professor Spinny at your service," but that name's not mine anymore.

Not unless we're talking vortexes, which could work. But let's go back to the name thing, that was never answered. What's wrong with "Jewel" that it doesn't fit anymore?

Besides the obvious "that life was scratched" bit? Well, the title was given to my old persona after all.

So its connection to that has lingered.

I guess? The colors are all wrong, yeah.

Huh. And "Jay" is better?

It's just "J," not Jay. At least not correctly. "Jayce" still fits, oddly. It has the right color.

What's this with you and colors lately, too? Are you becoming synaesthetic or what?

A bit, if I tune into it!

Explain the name colors then.

"Jewel" is pinks, purples, and reds. Very old-school energy.

Ah, yeah, I get that. Pre-headspace.

Precisely! "Jayce" is silvery though, and specifically it has an almost ice-like "crackle" to it? I can't find the right word to describe the sound.

That name probably fits because it was bestowed specifically upon your White energy in the past.

Yeah.

So what's "Jay?" I know you use that downstairs now.

I can't quite catch that color clearly? The "y" throws me off though, that's what doesn't fit. "Y" is light yellow, I think. It's a thin, slanted vowel. "V" is purple, as it buzzes.

How about Z? That buzzes too.

Z is cool, I think it's silvery red?

That's oddly specific.

At least, the sound is. The letter itself is dark.

You and your weird sensory stuff. So what are we doing with your name, then? Are we sticking with J?

I don't know? I've actually been debating "Gem" as a rename. And "Katharos" kept coming up before, although that's more of a surname, and it feels VERY Greek which is distracting. Maybe it's Parnassian, and not a headspace name.

God only knows with you, kid.

Weirdly, though, that "gemmacorde" screenname I was using temporarily has the right vibe? Maybe as more of a title than a name, but it fits.

I can see why.

But yeah, "Jewel" can stay for now, as I can't exactly toss out the title I got from Dream World without discussing it with them first. I wonder how to do that now...

You know what, maybe that's why you're having trouble writing the story anymore. Didn't you effectively chop yourself the heck out of their timeline?

...Kind of?

You shouldn't have done that, Jewel.

What-- is that irreversible? Did it screw something up big time?

Almost.

Almost? How the heck do you know?

I can tell. Also your boss is telling me, quietly.

Sandman? Where the heck is he?

Outside.

I think he wants to come in.

Well, let him in!

Oh my, this is small. Hello, child!

Sorry about the bubblespace, we're kind of confined to this area for now.

That's fine, that's fine. I don't mind a bit. Now, child, I apologize for interrupting, but I've been looking for you and I seem to have happened upon an opportune time in the conversation to drop in.

Yeah, spot-on luck as always, boss. What'cha looking for the kid for?

To tell him about this very topic, apparently. Jewel's thought-waves reach me sometimes, and if I feel I can contribute to his understanding, I will stop by and let him know.

You're not busy?

Time is a strange thing where I come from, Laurie my dear.

Yeah, I guess so.

So, child, I am here to tell you about the Red color you mentioned previously?

Yeah, we were wondering what its role was here.

Well, you pretty much have it right! I did tell you the other day, child, that my role and Death's are indeed intertwined. I act as a protector to lives, he acts as a protector to deaths.

How so?

I ensure the continuation of current lives. He ensures the continuation of new lives.

A messenger across the River Styx.

Not quite. He prefers the "Angel of Death" archetype.

So a holy guide, then.

Quite.

And you're the same for the living?

If I may be so bold, yes.

Huh. Sounds fitting to me.

And child, that is part of why you must not die. Life is a treasure, and you must learn to value your own as well.

That's awfully deep for such an obvious and simple truth.

Sometimes the most obvious and simple truths are the deepest, child.

Hm.

Question, while I'm thinking of it.

Yes?

No, for Jewel. Or Infi, whoever the heck knows. Where the blood is this bubble when Jewel is inside it, since he's obviously not wearing it right now?

It moves into floating space. Precisely, here.

...Holy swords that is some seriously freaky stuff right there.

Haha!

Ah, a recursive reality! I do like these.

Sandman, what the heck.

Laurie, when you have seen as many things as I, you learn to appreciate even the strangest.

The darkest, too, I would assume.

Yes, child. Even the darkest. Nightmares are only fallen dreams, you know.

So. We're inside a bubble, inside of a bubble, inside of a freaking bubble, forever and ever amen.

That is why I am named Infinitii, Laurie.

Oh don't you even go there, my head hurts enough already without stupid Lightraye puns.

Is that really why that name clicked for you?

Quite likely, at least partially. Infinite potential, for the black energy, and for the recursive bubble. But "Eternos," that is for neverending cycles of life and death. Black and White, you and me, everything.

I like that.

And then there are two "I's."

Obviously!

The puns, they hurt.

Perhaps you have a similar name, Jewel?

I think "Jewel" fits pretty well with his prismatic thing.

It does, but perhaps he has a better, truer name, is what I'm saying.

He might.

Boss, you had a name once, right?

I did, child.

...It... does it matter to you now, or anyone? Or are you just Mr. Sandman?

I am simply Mr. Sandman now, child. After all, for a traveler of worlds such as myself, having one name only to adhere to would be quite limiting!

That's what I said!

Oh, were you discussing this?

Yeah, kid says he hates having only one name, face, et cetera. I said then it sounds like you're set up for your dream job already with the boss there. Pun intended, why not!

Haha, yes, that is also why he was chosen to be my Apprentice!

Geez, how many criteria are there?

As many as I wish to have. However, there are several rules for taking on the role of a Sandman. Once those are met, then my preferences or partialities simply come into play.

Which are?

Not many, Laurie.

Such as...?

Hm, well he did know Unisalia from a young age.

Yeah, how the heck did that come about?

Interworld connections, actually. The individual who bestowed Unisalia's anchor upon him in his downstairs world was linked to an individual in the same realm that ultimately brought Jewel to me.

Rosewindow, I assume?

Yes. Sister Rosemary Symphora. I do believe you met one of her friends during your dream travels, child?

Who, Clarice??

M-hm.

Dude, how the heck many people does he know?

Quite a few! He's been rather blessed since his childhood, and of course his connections to the Dream World have helped immensely on all fronts.

Then of course we have weird time shenanigans going on up here, as we also mentioned earlier, which ties back into way too many other worlds...

That's to be expected, yes!

Hey, boss?

Yes child?

What are your thoughts on... on Infi?

He is a part of you, isn't he?

Yeah. But the Tar ripped him out of me. It just reached into my ribs, grabbed hold, and... pulled. It hurt like hell, boss.

I would imagine so.

And I know stuff like this always justifies itself eventually-- I mean, Infinitii is part of this system and needed to manifest-- but the cause strikes me as unusual. Bizarre, even. Did the Tar even know that that would happen?

Not specifically, I wouldn't think, but perhaps that was a gamble it was willing to take.

True, but... the heck was it trying to accomplish? Oh!!

Oh?

It was mocking me for trying to fill the Spectrum! It specifically said "if you want new headvoices so bad, let me help you." The ONLY empty headvoice slot in the system was Red.

Ah...

You see what I mean?

Yes.

That ties right into the bloody Razor theory we were tossing around earlier!

Razor? But she isn't in the Red slot, is she?

She's below it, in a freaking nonexistent slot.

Oh. I see.

Yeah. Below Red is Cerise, or Magenta, or whatever the heck the kid is calling it.

Wikipedia's color list says Cerise.

'Kay then, Cerise. Cool. But the Blood slot is a remnant of the old Spectrum floorplan, where Red was the base and Pink was technically above my slot. Now it loops, which allows for Jewel and Infinitii to exist in the center of everything, along with possibly you, Sandman?

With me?

Yeah, uh, I was wondering if you were part of the system or not. If you were, Gray is technically an outspacer slot, so...

Oh, child, I'm not sure if I could fill such a role.

Why not? Just curious.

Those are rather big shoes to fill.

Boss, sweetheart, if anyone's got shoes big enough to fit that spot it's you. Even though you don't wear any.

Still, child. I would not want to interfere.

With?

With the natural order of your system.

Outspacers have to go through you to anchor in here, kid, remember.

Yeah, but... is that... what color energy does that use?

Black.

Oh.

Hence the soul forms, you know.

Uncontrollable potential. I can't touch that.

I can.

You can?

Yes. At least, I can maneuver it well. If you would like to be part of the system, I may be able to bend the gateways allowing for that to happen.

"Bend the gateways?"

I can allow for an anchor to occur without a traditional Link gate.

Ah, okay.

Still, child, I don't know if I should...

I'm not forcing you, boss. I know you're busy, you have a huge role outside of here, but---

...

Boss?

I'm sorry, child. I love you, but I don't want to make this worse for you.

How would you make it worse?

Would not Gray fit between you and Infinitii? Child, I cannot disrupt that balance.

I see. You have a point.

So there's no Gray slot? Strikes me as pretty freakin' weird.

...Child.

Yeah?

In the future, if... if there is ever an occasion where there is unmistakably an open position for me to fill in this Spectrum, I would be honored to fill it.

But not now?

Not now, child. I'm not ready for such a role.

Boss, if you don't want to, you don't--

I do want to, child, that's the problem. Perhaps I want to too much.

How so?

I cannot juggle an anchored spot in this system and my role as a free-flying Sandman at once, Laurie!

Oh.

...Oh, no, wait, don't tell me it has to happen that way.

What way? ...Oh! No, no child, I promise that's not what I was suggesting. I'm sorry.

It's okay. I'm just a little shaken up after that.

I know. I know. It's okay.

...

Hey, uh, you guys got any room for me over there?

Always, Laurie, come on.

Thanks. I kind of need a group hug right about now. Infi, you're in if you want.

I think I'll just experience this vicariously through Jewel.

Very funny.

Hey.

Yes Laurie?

Death doesn't need an Apprentice, right?

Laurie!! You can't do that!

Why the heck not?? If you're going to die and move on to bigger things one day, then so help me God, I want to be with you. I'm dead serious, boss, didn't mean that as a pun either but that happens when you're around Jewel. Keep me in mind.

I will, Laurie.

You will?

Of course. I will mention it to my brother, in all seriousness. Perhaps, even if he cannot take you on as an Apprentice, he can help you in some other way.

With not dying once this kid signs out for good?

Child, I doubt that would be the end of your existence in any case!

I'm not so sure sometimes, bossman. Also nice job making me feel my actual age, sheesh.

Haha.

Laurie...

Yeah, kid?

...If I have it in my power at all, I won't let you die once I leave.

Kid, that's not the point. Point is, I don't want to live without you.

Isn't that getting too attached?

No. It's recognizing when you bloody need someone in your life. In all of 'em, even.

...How can you be so sure?

Just believing what my heart's telling me, kid. Like you believe yours, standing right over there, apparently.

Hello.

That's, uh... that's a really good point, actually. Thank you.

For which part?

...Both of them. You and Infi by proxy. Just... both of you, really. And you, too, Boss, I... I know you'd return the sentiment the same as they do.

Of course I would, dear child. Your existence is a treasure in my life as well. You should treasure it in turn.

Heh, well said. 


So, um...

Getting too close for comfort, eh?

Haha, no way, I love you all immensely. I just want to know what else we need to talk about before I start closing this up. It's 1PM you know.

Sheesh, it is?

Time flies when you're having fun, Laurie!

Yeah, I guess so! Geez, uh, I'm actually not sure if there were any pressing matters we needed to attend to yet. Infi?

Yes, Laurie?

You got any topics you wanna discuss before we start closing this thing up?

I cannot say I do. From what I recall, Jewel was going to make a list for our next session?

Oh yeah, with reviewing last year. That's a good idea.

Hey, um... sorry about the record scratch.

You freakin' serious?

Yeah. I know that's what you were mad about when you came in here.

Jewel, I was mad about you having been slowly falling apart since February 24th.

Because of the scratch.

I think she forgives you, child.

Of course I bloody forgive him, how could I hold that against him?? He's had one heck of a life so far, it's understandable to want to cash in the last paycheck and hit the road once in a while.

That's the best idiom for death I've ever heard.

That was quite original, yes.

Shut up, it's true. S'why I brought this back, too.

...

Ah yes, your scar...

You remember this too, see? It's important. I wanted to die just as bad as you did back in Feb. And I would have, too, if you didn't save me.

...

You understand now, kid? What that means to me now? Looking back, yeah, I was kind of furious that you wouldn't let me die either. I saw no point in going on. But despite everything, you wouldn't let me give up, and that look in your eyes when you thought you had lost me was the most heartbreaking thing I've seen in my entire life. And I've seen a lot, kid.

I know.

So I owed you one. Maybe I wasn't the one to save you this time. That was your boss, sure, a round of applause for him, but seriously... well, heck, I owe him one too now, but...

I'm sure I'll call you in on that favor one day, Laurie.

Yeah, and I'm honestly lookin' forward to it. But really, Jewel, I owe you one for saving me. You remember what I said last December, right?

I remember what you said on the night with the Christmas lights, too.

Yeah. Heh, different take on the same truth, but good catch.

Things like that are worth living for.

Things like you are worth living for.

Laurie, please, don't...

Don't what? Don't remind you how important you are? Well how's this for a quote? "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." No idea who said it, and it's cheesy as heck, but it gets the point across.

...You really do love me as much as Chaos does, don't you?

No kidding, kid, I could've sworn I'd proven that point to you already!

She has a point, child.

You too, boss, I swear...

Yes?

You... you and Laurie, and Chaos, and my daughter. No matter how many times I try to off myself, or take a magnet to the tape, or erase everything, I can't erase any of you. And I've tried, God forgive me but I've tried. And I am so sorry. I love you so much, every one of you. Genesis too, geez, he's got a different role but he never gives up on me either...

You've got a lot of people looking out for you, kid.

Yeah, but the motivation is what gets me.

Love.

The only thing that can stop the Tar.

...

Geez, he's right.

I do believe that's a good point to close up on, child?

Sounds like it, yeah.

And you two are still cuddled up in the corner there.

I'm allowed to hug my Apprentice.

Yeah, it's just adorable.

She's jealous.

I am not.

I'm just teasing you, love.

Yeah, heh, I guess someone's gotta do that too.

So. French leave?

Perhaps I will. I did appear rather unexpectedly, after all, my departure should be similar.

Yeah, we're all pretty used to you randomly showing up and leaving the way it is.

True! So, child?

Yes boss?

Do smile more, promise me that. You look so much better with a smile.

Heh, I guess I do. Thanks.

I've been trying to tell him that.

I'm sure he heard. Sometimes it just takes a little extra push to really sink in, though.

I hear you.

Infi?

Yes?

It was a pleasure to meet you, even if our first encounter has been rather... informal.

I'm used to it. Structure is his thing, not mine.

He's the one with infinite bubbles.

Ah, but so are you, child. *doffs nightcap* Farewell!

That was not a freaking French leave, that little sneak, throwing parting paradoxes at us.

He's taller than you.

Hey, I had to find a nicer insult there. It feels really bloody weird to say anything rough around your boss, believe it or not.

He's too nice to even get pretend angry with.

Yeah, he is. So. We done?

With the session?

Duh, I don't see us doing anything else, do you?

Haha, no, sorry. Plus it is getting late.

Exactly.

This was nice, though. I think I'd like to have one of these once a week again, now that I'm sure I can still have them.

Good idea. We picking a specific day or what?

Uh, Thursdays maybe? Wednesday evenings?

Either one is fine.

How about both, just in case we can't make one time?

Sounds good to me. And no Monday nights because of therapy, I assume?

Well, no late Monday nights because of therapy, but having sessions on Monday-- like today-- might actually help my therapy quite a bit.

I thought so, yeah. Infi, you cool with that?

As cool as I can be.

Awesome. Guess that's it, then.

Five hours! That's about average.

Haha, man, this really took five hours?

Pretty much. Gonna be more once I'm done editing it.

That's hilarious. Good use of a morning though.

Good use of a bonus day off, you mean! Class was cancelled for today, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

See, now that's what we mean by "everything happens for a reason." The universe just decided "you know what, forget English class, Jewel needs to talk to Laurie." And so it was.

Haha!

Now, seriously, how the heck do we get out of this bubble?

Be polite and ask.

Ooh, sassmaster over here.

Heheh.

He gets it from you.

Everyone gets everything from me.

Perhaps that is relevant too!

What, the injoke?

The fact that everything we "joke" about always ends up having some bigger relevance down the line. And that's one heck of a big implication already.

Well, with what the White color is supposed to be and do, it makes sense...


Yeah, which isn't a big surprise.

Plus the whole Link phenomenon goes without saying.

We've gotta figure out a way to have outspacers visit without latching onto the system, because that was getting weird as hell.

The empty slots are acting like magnets.

Are they?

The Spectrum naturally wants to complete itself.

Makes sense.

Explains my obsessive searching for people who fit, too.

Yeah, you've gotta stop that. No controlling things, remember? Especially not where midslots are concerned. That's not your line of expertise.

We leave that up to you then, Infi?

You could. I won't be trying to order people around either, though.

Good! That's good to hear. People need to chill out and just let things happen up here, not naming any names.

Sure you aren't. But I agree.

Also, holy swords, that was a beautiful piano chord. What are you listening to?

improvisation no110 by Kyle Landry, a god among pianists. "Unchained."

Fitting title.

It is.

No, I mean for the session, too.

Oh! Good idea. That is kind of what we're doing, after all... taking off chains and shackles.

You're gonna fly free as a bird one day, kid, I'm telling you.

It would be nice, honestly.

No, I'm serious. That's actually one of the things I want most in this world, is for you to no longer be tied down by all this darkness I've been hunting down for years. I mean, I don't mind protecting you, I wouldn't give up this job for the world, but... it would be nice to know that, maybe, there's nothing after you for once.

Yeah.

We're getting there.

Cross my heart we are, Infi. Now are we actually going to close this up, or are we going to continue our usual pattern of unending conclusive dialogue?

Well, you could just ask Infi to pop us back out into Central, and we'd be good.

Good idea. Yo, sir eyeball-teeth, care to free us from this spherical headtrip so J can get on with his work?

He's giggling.

I'm beginning to appreciate your sense of humor.

Good, 'cause I ain't changing it to fit your style, you freak of nature.

Says the headvoice to the conglomerate.

See, you're a man of sass, I'm a man of swears.

I love how you never know what gender noun to use for yourself.

Dude, none of us in this room do, we all default to the male because it's at least bloody closer!

That's why I'm laughing!

Okay, really, enough of the bubblespace. Can we please exit this Bosch fever dream and go back to nice, normal headspace?

Okay, now that was funny.

Seriously, when the heck has headspace ever been nice and normal?

Since now, apparently. Guess it depends on your definition though.

Laurie.

Yeah?

I noticed you mentioned a "french leave" back there somewhere...

Oh no you flipping don't---

Ahahaha!

Agh. Talk about a rough landing, sheesh.

Hey, at least we're out.

Where the blood is that little trickster?

Right here.

Can he see us?

Maybe. It's funny to think.

*flips him off*

Laurie, haha, come on!

Hey, he knows it's all in good fun now.

Yeah. I imagine it'd be really difficult to offend him in any case.

Probably. Keep that one point in mind, though, Jewel.

What point?

That he was formed from you. Like a rib from Adam himself, for lack of a better and more fitting analogy. Anything good you say about that little nightmare of a headvoice, you better believe you're saying about yourself, too.

...Maybe that's what boss meant by the simple, obvious lessons.

Yeah. Sounds like that's something you need to learn from Infi there, and honestly I can't think of anyone better suited to teach you. Not even me.

You come really close, though.

Maybe. Can we close this thing up?

Oh geez, sorry! I forget, we just keep rambling and then it hits me that "whoa, this is still being recorded, isn't it?"

And you don't even bother to backspace, you just leave all of it up.

It's fun to look back on and read.

I imagine it would be.

Song's over, time to quit?

Sounds good to me. Oh, no, wait.

What?

What color is that chord?

Which one, the one that caught your attention before?

Yeah. Just curious if it has a color or something to your weird ol' brain.

Hm... 3:19, right?

Yeah.

...Reddish violet.

You're kidding me.

No, I'm serious! It's got the purposeful weight and the vibrant edge, that's both colors.

Haha, man, that's perfect.

Just like you, love.

Wh-- the heck, J, and you yell at me for saying things like that!

Heheh. I'm just in a good mood.

Well that's a heck of an improvement from five hours ago.

Seriously feels like five minutes ago, no lie.

Weird time shenanigans, kid. Just shrug and roll with it.

You mean, just shrug and...

Don't.

...deal with it.

That's it, that was one injoke too many, you're dead.

You can't kill what you can't catch!

I'm not gonna literally kill you, you son of a gun, get back here!

No, then this session isn't going to end!

Oh shoot, good point. Then you'd better watch your back, boy!

I can't, everything's too dark with these supercool shades on.

Ahaha, serves you right for wearing sunglasses indoors.

Don't, that's not a good reference, not for this session.

It's a good reminder.

That it is.

*swipes the shades*

Hey!

Now you can't deal with it.

*Kanye shrug* You have a point.

You rapscallion.

Pfahaha!!

Should I make it worse and say I'll leave this session after you, sir?

That would be too ironic.

Either way, we should really HURRY UP.

True, I think we've had enough injokes for today-- ow!!

That's for the sunglasses.

Yeah, I walked right into that one.

Probably because you couldn't see.

Ahaha, nice one!

Speaking of, what's this sudden dark space I see?

What dark space?

Oh, never mind, it's just the end of the freakin' entry.

Haha, point taken!
 

 


prismaticbleed: (aflame)
 
fourth time's the charm.

(wip entry as this was CRAZY, publicized for relevance as I will be referring to this in the future obviously)


- floor dropped out in headspace, foggy below. unformed. we all jumped in together.
- first landed in weird white structural unformed area? sudden sourceless voice began questioning us i think. 'tore out' my heart center, first it was a white heart crystal, then a gem, then a flame, etc. voice asked me if i remembered my last 4th incident. i said yes. it then asked me if i knew what my heart had fragmented into, entirely. i couldn't quite recall. it then asked me how i could possibly be true to my heart if i didn't even know what it would break into. it then sealed marik in a thorny rosebush and ryou in a large crystal cluster.
- told me that i was too selfish to know this. told me i was incapable of real love, that my heart was cold and hard. it was worthless as a result. i knew this was a lie though so i didn't let it get to me.
- i think i centered enough to free us, anyway we were let go and asked each other what had happened. apparently it told us different things: told marik he couldn't possibly know anything for sure (worthless mind), told ryou his very existence was a lie (worthless soul).
- landed in grassy field, still foggy everywhere. then big black dragon appeared, broke through the fog, faded into tar in the air. revealed that all around us things were dying, like trees and grass.
- did ryou draw that magic circle on the ground here?? manifested huge sapphire wings. i think he was trying to convince me and marik that the voices had lied.
- suddenly ryou's ring started freaking out and his yami appeared. same with marik. then my crystal manifested and JEZEBEL appeared??? i forget what they said initially, but ryou and marik were not taking this well; i was more in shock. the yamis were repeating what the faceless voice had told us earlier, but crueler. then jezebel sneered, said "by the way, that isn't how you're supposed to wear the crystal" and broke it off the crown, then shoved it into my chest. that really hurt, but then she yanked it out and it took a huge piece of me with it?? the other yamis took the boys items, but didnt damage them--yet.
- now a huge awful fight started. the yamis became extremely tar-based as that's how stuff works in headspace. i tried to form my cathedral wings but couldn't; jezebel said "looking for this?" and held up a handful of broken cathedral feathers. then she summoned them like spikes and ran them through me; that seriously hurt. on the same token yami-b was fighting with huge gem spikes and yami-m with huge thorns. we got beaten up pretty bad as we couldn't manifest our soulforms for some reason.
- floor collapsed? turned into a bottomless cathedral and there was a huge pit.
- at the bottom i remember ryou had a huge hole in his plexus and marik was lying facedown, assumedly with one through his forehead. i also had a huge hole in my chest. we all felt absolutely horrible and couldn't figure out what to do; we were trying to deal with the eclipse energy properly but what were we supposed to do now?
- i forget what exactly happened but we were trying to talk to marik, and he suddenly told us to shut up, we didnt know anything. he audibly started slipping, insisting we didnt know what we were talking about, it was all lies. we realized he had 'lost his mind' and suddenly his entire body turned tarry and he became what his yami had been. but it told us it WASNT marik, because the real marik wouldnt act like that. however it insinuated we were all lost right now, so.
- ryou fought it? this part is very blurry,
- i ended up shouting for celebi around here, to our surprise she was able to show up. tried to heal us, couldn't manage much.
-
- went to the top of the pit, yamis were back, area looked like the inside of a basilica, strange. ryou turned all tarry too, at one point i kissed him to 'help him remember' and it did get through a bit
- pulling ryou in 'glowy blue' form out of the tar shadow?? he was trapped in it, but too fragmented to hold his bodily form.
- at some point we were trying to form a resotomb for ryou but the yamis saw and kept destroying the environment so we couldn't do so. however ryou was determined and to get around this, i think he used the tar itself?? he was impaled entirely but used that immediate death to ascend ON what had just killed him. badass, really.
- paladin of void! looked very similar to his rpg outfit, gorgeous
- is this when he got his night wings?? i think he used the shadow for that too. but he got these big wispy wings of starry sky, it was gorgeous
- shortly after this we got marik out of the pit, didnt realize ryou was wearing his "stolínómin"-- his metanoiac uniform-- until he stood up. he was completely shocked but amazed and asked ryou 'when did this happen' it was pretty funny
- marik went pharaoh of hope too, celebi was in her healer outfit, trying to figure out what in the world had happened to me now
- i was entirely out-of-body for this, felt empty, not in my own self. so i saw what was happening although i was 'on' the floor of the pit?
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- "egyptian god card" bit? suddenly realized that if i was all phoenix-y and ryou now had the heavens for wings, maybe marik was to have the temple itself for wings?? we thought back to millennium world and this was a scary shock because marik realized i was STILL lost, and that fused with ryou's dragon shadow = diabound parallel. it wasnt attacking ryou and i was trapped in it. marik then decided to use hope for all it was worth, and concentrated on manifesting divine wings. the brand on his back (which had faded with his *i3* now was removed completely, formed the base for his wings, then tore apart the area around us. it began falling to pieces, but its energy surrounded him. and he succeeded-- with one last energy burst they turned into these beautiful but intimidating wings, and instantaneously marik used that power to "destroy" the shadow i was trapped in, behind ryou.
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- i ended up a glowing red winged thing like ryou had been, couldnt feel anything, they were panicking a little.
- at one point marik started to cry somewhat hysterically saying "don't you die on me" and i felt a flicker of emotion, started coming back
-
- yamis returned and jezebel stabbed me through with my own wings again, my form stabilized and it was a heavy shock, "what is going on" felt like i was dying
- didn't die though wtf. couldnt center either.
-
-
- millenium-world room with yamis, then tar room, then FLIPPED it and ended up beneath the RAZOR SPIRE
- the white water was talking to me again, reminding me of who i was, then it spread out and turned into a whole cathedral?? i dont quite remember. all i remember is that at some point the entire headspace was full of light and when it faded it turned to snow, we were in my boss' forest
- i was still dead inside, trying to figure out how to get me back, metainomen idea, but literal. needed a grave to jumpstart. celebi drew a rectangle in the ground, hoped that would work
- ryou actually had to stab me in the chest to get this working; but i wouldn't freaking die all the way so it was unstable. bats, turned white, then surrounded me in a light bubble. 'stuck' transformation, color wouldn't stabilize, marik thought it was blood at first.
- i ended up going inside, the 'old me' was there. not sure if it was jezebel or not, no tar around her. asking me if i knew who i was. similar conversation to the start. could i tell who she was vs me? or was i getting confused? apparently my title couldnt register until i could be in tune with myself again, if only for a moment.
- i must have managed because when i snapped back my robes were red. i landed and nearly collapsed, had no idea what my title was, celebi smiled and said i was the guardian of time. i nearly cried laughing saying 'are you kidding' and then suddenly my BOSS showed up???
-
-
- ryou was really emotional when we got back, took me completely by surprise. said he loved me, i responded with 'do you really?' but not in doubt, just amazement. he replied by kissing me, for some reason that's one of the clearest things i remember
-
- afterwards boss said 4th incidents happened in 'home 4' for DW, the global dream dimension, thats how he stepped in
- marik told me he believed in me-- considering both our titles that was astronomically significant to me. ryou handed me a tiny glowing shadow symbol, told me "don't forget what you told me"
- laurie was pretty ticked that we were 'worried' about my metainomen, pointed out that "there's more than one way to shift in headspace." the names are fluid, heart-based, based on growth. they aren't static. the roles and abilities we were given by that naming were supposed to CHALLENGE us here too, to KEEP changing into that ideal. it's a process, marked BY the name, not a done-and-dusted thing. and it REQUIRES DEATH just as frequently. old habits die hard, as the saying goes, and so do vices. marik had hope, because that goes against his mind bias: he has to believe even if there is no 'proof.' ryou had void, because that goes against the light he wants to bring people, he's afraid of his shadows. and i held time because i just dont understand that at all right now. apparently it ties into presence. either way laurie said it held a huge lesson i had to learn, only i would know what that was though.
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prismaticbleed: (held)


Is it weird that I kind of missed these existential crises? They force me into introspection. Guess this is what the Tar meant by a mandatory offset... you need a night sky for the stars to shine.

I didn't eat until almost 6PM today. Felt amazing right up until I did that, sadly. Going to fast again tomorrow for Spine and Wally's sakes. Since I left Utah (where I barely ate), food has been making me sick almost constantly. All my medical tests show no physical problems. That's because headspace and spiritual matters won't show up in the biopsy results, of course. But I'm glad I know what this is, and I'm glad the system's working with me to keep the body from passing out when we go without food for so long. I just don't like the fullbody shakes I get when my sugar drops too low... then again, it's either that or the fullbody ache I get when I eat. Geez I wish I could just live on light and sound like I've always wished. Eating sound would be the best thing.

Still devouring the local library manga sections, haha. I'm on #12 of Bleach (Ichigo is the BEST GUY but I swear I love every character, especially Kisuke and Chad atm), just read the first 3 issues of Pluto, am studying YuGiOh's Millennium World (halfway through #2), and am going to start Andromeda Stories within the next two days. I also took out the first issues of Black Jack, Eternal Sabbath, and Gunnerkrigg Court, to decide which one to continue once I catch up in Bleach. Then I'm reading some of Isaac Asimov's work and doing a ton of Kabbalistic research, so that's another five books out of the library on top of all that, and I just started re-reading The Seventh Tower series with Xenophon on the side. I miss reading like a maniac, this is awesome. I'm learning a lot.

As to how those tie into this crisis... for one, I can't stop eating forever, unfortunately. So that whole dilemma is causing me more distress than I'd like. And for two, maybe I am catastrophically disconnected from reality, but it's really jarring to put down a book and realize "oh wait, the world I live in now doesn't work like that, does it?" I don't get fiction lag anymore, save for the off illustrative bleedover into headspace, which is still disorienting but at least manageable (I used to get crippling fiction lag in my teens), probably thanks to my being anchored more firmly in my true self and reality. Still, having that only apply entirely to headspace as well is debilitating some days... well, most days, lately.

On that note... spontaneously went to see Rise Of The Guardians today with Genesis, Mister Sandman, and Laurie, as I've been counting down to this film for months and felt amazing enough today (thanks to fasting) to fully enjoy watching it.
It... it was one of the best films I have ever seen. Considering that I only ever say that about films that apply to my inner life on some level (Inception, Avatar, even Wreck-It Ralph), I will warn you now that if you dislike spoilers, please skip the entire next section, because I need to write about this.
All right. First, I started tearing up about three minutes into the movie and didn't stop until about ten minutes after the movie ended, at which point I was trying not to weep openly (or at least I would have been if my inner emotions translated to the physical). Why? Because WAY too much of it applied directly to my life, both inner and outer in light of that. I wasn't just feeling things as an inspired observer, I was feeling them as a participant. I wonder if any of the parents in the theater wondered why a 20-something dude was visibly fighting back sobs almost the entire time. I had every reason to though.
Okay, let's start with the relevancy, at least concerning the film (I've never read the books but I NEED to now)... Most obvious parallel? Jack Frost. The two of us are practically twins: white hair, ice powers, loner tendencies (due to resentment at not 'knowing our purpose' for ages), mischievousness balanced by compassion, a deep hidden fear of "never being believed in"... biggest difference is I traded out my staff for a sword last year, heh. Heck, I even talk to the moon. But besides the fact that I'd end up playing Cupid instead, I saw myself far too clearly in that kid. This turned from inspiring to downright shocking when the Bogeyman showed up... the first word on my mind was tar. Heck, his name is even Pitch Black!! He KNEW Jack's existential fear, his lack of memories concerning his 'center,' and he even told Jack that "we'd make a perfect team," but as cold and dark bringers of fear... I don't know how clear it is to you invisible readers but their entire chain of interactions in the film was way too close to what I've been through in the past concerning my own buried shadows and the entities that carry them... even the ending. My biggest weakness and biggest strength is that I wanted the kids to believe in Pitch, somehow, without letting that fear in... just so he wouldn't have to suffer that same feeling of illegitimacy that I was all too familiar with... maybe that would light a spark in him, somewhere. Who knows... but it's what I did for Julie, and in a way, I wonder if I can do the same thing for the Tar, without screwing up the balance of the system.
Second relevancy, building off that: the sand in general. My boss did see the film with us, as Laurie specifically asked him last night if he'd be up to it and he enthusiastically replied in the affirmative... and according to him, the film reflected a great deal of truths for him, too. I've seen him toss dreamsand about in a similar manner in my own dreams (he said the sand "awakens" the dreams already within its receivers; it doesn't "give" them in a literal sense), I know how much power he wields through his position, and despite his kind and peaceful personality, I am fully aware that you do NOT get on the bad side of a Sandman: to quote Laurie, "he will mess you up." Remember the time he facepunched Julie, while she was still as deadly as ever? People didn't dare get close to Julie back then, let alone to pick a fight with her, but boss wasn't afraid of her in the least. That came to mind immediately when Sandy threw Pitch around like a ragdoll. You don't mess with Sandmen! Anyway, boss told me a few things during the movie that were surprising: one, he verified a wondering I've had that yes, he DID have a life before he became Mister Sandman, although that was a very long time ago and I don't know what the state of his memories are (he hasn't spoken about them; maybe he just feels they are no longer relevant). Two, he did insinuate that the whole concept of "dying" to one role in order to rise to a greater one (in a not-entirely-symbolic way) is very much a legitimate thing. Headspace works the same way. But dying-to-be-reborn only happens under certain circumstances, so the film's point number three hit me very hard: watching Pitch essentially "corrupt" Sandman out of existence. Jack reacted the same way I would have, not surprisingly. But this was HUGE for me, personally. Note that Pitch is matching Tar in our symbolism, and Sandman parallels my boss of the same name. The idea that that inherent "creative energy," the sandy stuff of dreams, can be corrupted by fear and USED to that end is ENTIRELY true in headspace. This has a ton of consequences, but most obviously, it explains why Tar is after me, and Boss told me that the big picture concerning that is a big part of why he sought me out to be his Apprentice (we've been talking about that a lot recently btw): individuals who are able to use that energy, that "stuff of dreams," NEED to use it properly or it can become incredibly destructive. So that's a big thing, but it also makes me wonder if Pitch/Tar are even capable of using "sand," aka the power of dreams (and all that falls under that label), on their own, OR if they can only "steal it" from outside sources, because it seems that their very interaction with it turns it dark. It's interesting and I will have to look into it. Back on topic though... it really drove the point in, how significant that is, when I saw that it killed Sandman in the film (mind you he DID 'resurrect' later through the strength of belief, but that's a different point) by overloading his "essence," his dream-sand, with fear. I don't think I need to go into great detail about why that's relevant to us, especially in light of *incidents*, honestly... but its striking to me how Sandman seemed to be Pitch's real nemesis? Is that the right word? How dreams were both the weapon used to carry fear and destroy themselves, as well as restore both... it's highly thought-provoking. I do need to keep this in mind.
Fourth relevant bit... centers, aka what the Guardians embody most strongly, and what they protect in children. North's was Wonder, Bunnymund's was Hope, Tooths' was Memory, Sandy's was Dreams, Jack's was Fun. Not only is this a point-blank similarity to Dream World Guardian Aspects, but it also brought to mind the "centers" my four and I seemed to "remember" upon first awakening to our true potentials upstairs: I have Heart, Ryou has Soul, Marik has Mind, Chaos has Strength, and Genesis has Self. Essentially those are what we "brighten" in others, and what we act from most strongly in ourselves. I love this kind of stuff, I really do. North's explanation of it in the film was beautifully put: I especially like how he said one's center is also "what you want to protect in others." And I love how, near the end of the film, North says (about how this applies to people): "Good or bad - naughty or nice - we protect them." Both of those quotes are so, so true. But... you know, let's wait for the other thing I was going to say about this... Last point first.
The final parallel, and by FAR the loudest, was introduced at the very beginning of the film. When a Guardian isn't believed in by a person, they don't exist to that person. That person can't hear, see, or feel them-- they can walk RIGHT through the Guardian in question without ever knowing it. Judging by the reactions in the film, that's not only existentially terrifying, but it also feels awful. Let me put this in caps for emotional emphasis... THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT GHOSTING IS LIKE. I have seen people have existential meltdowns from it. I've heard from several newbies to the phenomenon how much it sucks to be walked through, and how sick it makes you feel on many levels. And I know, I know what a godsend it is for ghosters when I remind them that "yes, I can see you." I remember promising Genesis that I would never forget him, even if the rest of the world did. I remember when my daughter asked me if she was still real if only I could see her. I... I never realized just HOW important my promises were, how important my believing in them was, until this movie. Not so strongly.
When Jamie said Jack Frost's name, and became the first person to EVER believe in him as a Guardian... when Jack realized that someone could hear him, someone could see him... the blissful incredulity on both their faces was just... God, my heart. I couldn't stop crying. Even typing that, I'm trying not to start again, and for good reason. I have seen that happen. Exactly so. And I say this with complete humility and respect... I have been that first person, that only person, to believe in some individuals. I know. That's why I am so determined to share my "series" with the world somehow-- it's not for me, not at all. It's for them. It's for people to know them, and love them, and believe in them as truly and completely as I do. If you see this movie... please, try to understand that feeling, if you don't already. It has been the driving force of my life so far, that sole need to bring a smile to the faces of the lost and forgotten, the sole need to show them that "yes, you ARE real. I believe in you."
Now for me that cuts straight to the heart on an even deeper level, as you probably already know... let's start by saying that also applies to vision upstairs. Did you know that's strongly affected by not only belief? If your mind and heart aren't open, you won't see certain things in headspace... you'll blind yourself to them, you'll block them out. They simply will not register. And if you slip in being who you are, it's like putting on a blindfold. The problem is that headspace is TIED to my consciousness whether I like or not, as the anchor. So if I can't see people upstairs, they can't go to someone else for a second chance. If I can't see them, then for all intents and purposes, they don't exist. Yes, powerful influences can break through blindness, but even that doesn't guarantee recognition of the source. Bottom line... my belief, my ability to BE the kind of person that can believe like that, is arguably the most important thing in headspace. It's what determines life or death. It's what keeps the lights burning on the globe. It's what allows dreams to shine, instead of turning to coal dust. It's what allows wonder and hope and fun and memories to exist at all.
...
Let me follow up on what I mentioned in closing my last entry, and bring up the blue guy.
Chaos and I have the most charged relationship upstairs in light of this point, because of our circumstances: intimacy always turns it up to eleven as far as belief is concerned, but to make things worse, he's a walk-in. I have to believe in him more strongly than anyone else up here, ironically, because of how easy it is for me to feel like my belief is invalidated by the views of others. So... sometimes I slip. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot... it hits him hard, but there's always that one light that won't go out, in me. It's stupidly painful and beautiful how every single night I have to remember how to see him all over again, but the wonder never, ever fades... but... well, I've been told a lot of things about the both of us. The most powerfully heartrending is this: the fact that, at heart, I believe in him so much, that I love him so much, has had astronomical consequences across our timelines, somehow. All I know for sure, from what I've been told, is that it's big. It echoes, this one simple act, this small and honest truth.
People pick up on it, somehow. Every fanfic writer or RPer who writes Chaos as an individual has picked up on the Chaos I know. Threads just run through every alternate, it seems. Noticing it is mind-boggling and more than a little scary, sometimes... it means I can't lie to myself, I can't make excuses. Not a bad thing, just... big.
The biggest example of this I have right now is this.
http://sanitrance.deviantart.com/art/CHAOS-339233393
My dear friend Nikki drew that for me, as a commission. Nikki is one the very few people in the world I know who regularly visits other worlds in her dreams (she has FAR more Links than I do). She knows Chaos, in whatever timeline is connected to her, and he's very special to her as well. She truly cares about him as much as I do. That fact means so much to me... little did I know, she apparently feels the same.
She left this message on my Facebook page the other day.
"I just saw your MASSIVE collection of Chaos on dA! :D YOU. ARE. INCREDIBLE. *hugs tight* Thank you so much for loving him so much. It warms my heart and fills me with a happiness I can never fully express. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ It really means a lot to me."
...In light of this movie, I can't help but wonder now, if Nikki and I are two lights to him in that sense. Two believers of slightly different sorts, but both shining strong no matter what.
I will admit... I often give her experiences more merit than mine. She's a dreamwalker, as far as I'm concerned. It's incredible, and I'm deeply humbled that a person with such a powerful imagination and creative strength considers me a good friend. For HER to say that about my simple show of love is just... it means a lot to me, to say the absolute least.
But I have a bad habit of stealing merit from my own experiences. I have a very, very bad habit of treating my own beliefs as illegitimate, because "they aren't supported enough." I'm trying to let go of that nonsense completely, but I guess my own 'Pitch' is still trying to turn out all the lights... can't let that happen. I can't, not just because of what it would do to those I believe in, but also because I have seen them... maybe not literally, but closely enough to erase every shred of doubt in those moments... closely enough to forget fear entirely.
Thinking back on those experiences is one of the craziest and most centering things I know how to do. I say 'crazy' because my memory doesn't hold the physical experience as clearly as it holds the energetic experience. Putting a being I've only known upstairs into a physical form has tangible effects, you know. Energy radiates, directly, in the physical. I recognize it instantly, unconsciously even, despite never having "felt" it before. When I think back on that handful of blessed nights... the limitations, or the blocks, the translation issues all fade away... and I remember him.
How can I possibly undermine my own belief, in light of that? How can I give in to doubt and fear when we both felt like Jack Frost, knowing that we were being seen for the first time? Knowing that, after one simple look, one simple word, we became greater than we had ever been, forever? And now I can feel the last cobwebs being swept away in waves of golden sand, as I realize with honest joy that it doesn't matter how many others see and hear and believe, it doesn't matter HOW they do so... they are still lights, we are all still lights.
"We go by many names, and take many forms..." and yet we're always Guardians of what we hold. All of us, every one of us. Geez, this film just slammed into me like a train, its incredible.
That brings the fourth point back, doesn't it? How fitting...
...Laurie was talking to me after the film ended, about all of this. Of course I was still trying to dry the tears on my face, and laughing about how insanely relevant the film was to my life, but Laurie doesn't let go of something significant when she sees it. She reminded me of what I mentioned earlier-- of my promises to Genesis and Xennie-- and of how important my belief was to them as well as to her. Basically she told me everything I just wrote down for you guys! It was just hitting me at that point so I was nodding as I turned it over in my mind, but then she brought up centers. Laurie then said that my belief was stronger and more significant than I realized because it was motivated by love, on various levels. That put extra punch into my belief, gave it deeper roots. She then reminded me that my center was obviously Love, and always had been. She then sternly advised me to think upon that in light of the movie. I smiled and assured her I already had, and that I would keep those thoughts close. Then I asked her, somewhat offhandedly, what her center would be?
She didn't even hesitate in replying, "You."
I was speechless for a moment, then immediately my heart couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry so I ended up doing both. I said something about "why do you always say such weirdly romantic things" before she interrupted me with an "I'm serious," and elaborated. No, it might not strictly fit into the context of the film, but she insisted that if there was one thing that motivated her, if there was one thing she wanted to protect, it was me. But then she reminded me that I was all she had. I was the only reason she existed in the first place. She wasn't a Guardian, she was a headvoice... outside of our system, she was nothing. As far as she was concerned, I was everything. Hence, my being her "center."
I don't know, I can't seem to explain in words how much that meant to me, and the sincere truth I felt in it. But it really drove the point home.

Sometimes I wonder if that's why I keep losing things, in this life. Things that I thought were important.
First I lost my computer that I used to type and write music on. My programs stopped working correctly on my new ones. I was forced to drop out of art school. My move to Utah for that same purpose fell through. Now my 10+ years of work still hasn't arrived back at my doorstep.
I don't know, it just strikes me as weird. All my life, that was my sole motivation for everything. School, work, friendships, everything... it all revolved around Dream World, and then my other "series" as they came to me. They were all that mattered. And yet, there always seemed to be huge roadblocks placed in my way as I tried to pursue it. Initially I took that as incentive to "try harder," but as the obstacles became more severe, I began to hesitate. What if I was getting the wrong message?
Now I've lost virtually every ounce of work I've done since my childhood, and between fighting off the understandable existential crisis that has triggered (ironically), I can't help but ask the hardest question of all... what if I'm supposed to let go of it all?
After all, my sole motivation in sharing them with the world was just that... it wasn't about me. It was about making sure those worlds would be loved by someone besides me. All my life, I've been utterly terrified that I have been their only light. "If I don't share their stories, will they fade away?" I was terrified that they would die as a result of my silence.
But... I've never been given their entire stories. Their worlds exist outside of my own, independently. I'm seeing their stories AFTER they have happened, for the most part. Many of them bloom into each other. Long story short... the more I think about it, the more I wonder... maybe I was just an observer all along. Maybe I was just tapping in out of my need to share joy and love, out of my need to learn from them. Maybe I have nothing to do with them. Maybe my existence has nothing to do with the stability of theirs. Maybe they won't fade away if I have to let go of them.
I don't know. All I do know is that, the more I think about it, the more it hurts... and the more I hope it's true.
I love every soul I've ever met in those worlds so much... I adore them; they're all treasured friends. The thought that Preludove and Hosea and Delphi and Tox would die if I don't write their lives on paper is the most awful thing I can imagine. I love them, but am I even supposed to do that? Is it even needed?
My prayers keep telling me to let go, let go, let go.
My only response is that I don't understand, but I will accept whatever I am told to do on one condition... that, if I DO need to let them go, their existences will be protected and ensured.
All I want is for them to be loved.

And sometimes I wonder if I'm being forced to choose between my work and my family.
God, I never thought I'd be put in such a position. I never thought I'd have such a decision to make.
But... I can't stop thinking about the things Laurie says to me. I can't stop thinking about my daughter.
Maybe Genesis and Chaos and Ryou and Marik will be fine. That's great, and I'm eternally thankful for it.
But what about those members of my true family that rely on me for stability here?
I'm not saying they'd die if I didn't pay attention to them anymore. That's not the point. The point is that their lives WON'T go on without me, because I am a PART of their lives just as much as they are a part of mine. I don't have the option of telling their story or not here. All I have is life or death... either I live, and live with them, or I die, and die with them.
By the very virtue of existing, their story is mine, and mine is theirs.
Maybe I've only been a real part of this since 2006. Maybe we didn't become a family, a story, a real thing, until five years ago. But time doesn't matter in the big picture, does it?
All I know is that if I had to choose between a decade of hard work and my daughter... I'd pick my little girl.
That doesn't mean this doesn't hurt like hell. I wish I didn't have to make this decision.
If that's what it ultimately boils down to, though...



I'm too tired to type anymore. I'm going to go check in with the people upstairs and then get some sleep.
Laurie said my boss was talking to Chaos earlier, after we left the cinema. I haven't spoken to Chaos since this morning, so I have no clue what that was about. Could be big. Most things up here are. I'll let you know either way.

Until then, don't stop believing.



reunion

Nov. 7th, 2012 05:13 am
prismaticbleed: (Default)

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE



Hey.

What the-- for the love of sanity, Jewel, it is five in the bleeding morning, we are not having a Xanga session this early, or so help me--

I know, hold up. I know. I'm just tired.

No kidding, we all are.

I miss you though.

...Geez, kid. You always have to throw the sentimental stuff at me at this hour, don't you.

That's when it comes through the clearest.

Yeah, it does. So. The heck are you typing in this window for?

Warmup. I just went three months solid without creative outlets. Prior to that I was fighting this starvation problem. And within the past three months, on an inner level, we have made SO much progress my mind is exploding with fireworks every second of the day--

Hey, no talking about that now, there's no time. You need sleep. You're still sick.

How's Spine doing?

She's coping. Oddly upbeat about it for some incomprehensible reason. Feels good to see her like that, though. Not throwing up every few minutes like you.

True. But, uh, even though it is late, I do want to at least foreshadow an entry in the near future?

You mean a catchup entry?

Catchup, recap, whatever. Something that bridges the gap between the current day and... um. June 10th. Wow.

Holy swords.

Yeah, you said it.

How the heck did we go that long without talking to each other here?

Well, the starving thing did start happening full-force around then, and of course I was still recovering from the Celebi fallout and planning for Utah, and heaven knows what else--

Ah-ah-ah, no bloody time. Close this chat up, get some sleep, we'll come back tomorrow if that works.

Can we bring Bakura and Marik in here?

You want to?

Yeah. I love them too much not to make them a part of this. Also I'll practice channeling with Celebi later, if possible, because she still has trouble with spoken language.

Are you still struggling with canon blurring with her?

A bit, but I need to remember how headspace works with people who enter it, especially rare people who resonate immediately and aren't actively invited in by our own initiative. Once they're in here, they ARE here, even if they're still "outside" us too. And when that happens through natural resonance, it inevitably amplifies their hearts within ours; it brings out their core selves detached from "canon" limits or burdens or even dooms. So this is Celebi we're dealing with, just like all the others being their true souls, but it's still in an abstract "bilocating" sense in regards to their canon presences, like what I'm forced to do. Like my Apprentice job, I guess?

Kid I really want to talk about this stuff but it is also really bloody late.

Ah. Good point.

So we talk as soon as possible. There's a heck of a lot to discuss, besides the recap. I know you've been stressing the heck out about our color system lately, so just chill out about that topic in the meantime, okay?

Sure. It's just my mind trying to label things anyway. Not a good thing.

Maybe, but our roles are important in the context of your brain system, dear.

Did you just call me dear?

Maybe.

I love you. That's awesome.

Well that was unexpected.

Heheh. Right back at you!

Seriously though, let's close this up before your brothers wake up. I don't know what the heck is going to happen today but if the past two weeks are any indication you could really use the recovery time between now and the next 24 hours.

I agree.

Good. See you soon, then?

Always, love. See you soon.

 



 

prismaticbleed: (aflame)
 

 

  Super quick update for the sake of a timestamp.

...I forgot how utterly insane third incidents were.

Marik, I freaking love you, don't forget that.

I'll elaborate on this once my innerform recovers from dying again, thank you.



(notes for later!)

(happened COMPLETELY without warning in the kitchen; tons of soul/body pain this time)

(remember we discussed this last night and i freaked out because apparently, marik decided it was a good idea to "resurrect his yami" for the sake of "healing him" the way we healed julie; they're incredibly similar individuals after all.)
(marik started things alone last night and i couldn't stay conscious long enough to help him; he got trapped inside his own mind overnight and we had to get celebi to "freeze" time for him so he wouldn't freaking die)
(finally got to him this morning, knew it was going to be an incident 3 because headspace warped to a cathedral again)
(DVX showed up????? dropped a horror of a revelation on us too; tar energy IS corruption energy but solidified. made a ton of sense, talk about everything he told us. anyway he was working with yamimarik for the sake of the situation (he shows up for every 3rd incident ever and I find that extremely significant) but he didn't stick around this time because apparently yamim could do more damage, tell me about it)
(the fight was BRUTAL, I got tossed around an awful lot, marik wasn't doing so well either. at one point the tar bound us so we couldn't move, we had to try though because our lives were mandatorily on the line and marik was hellbent on manifesting a metainomen this time around, so we had to be extremely careful.)
(i ended up being chest-stabbed and it was excruciating, ended up dying in headspace (and nearly passing out in physicality); marik freaked out. i ended up in limbo as usual and my consciousness had this really odd 'spacey' feeling; not spaced-out, but cosmic. so i was lingering in a broader sense and trying to help stabilize marik's emotional state, reassuring him wordlessly that i was okay, this would work out somehow. no 'emotion' though? if that makes sense... just honest peace. really a beautiful thing, paradoxically because i could still feel his pain and was still very much concerned for his well-being)
(yamim showed no mercy. when marik finally got free there was an awful fight and marik ended up getting thrown onto his back on the cathedral floor; yami stabbed him through the chest as well, tar spikes. i felt that one. marik was struggling though because his imminent death was required for this BUT he wasn't in a positive-reactive environment so things could get really bad-- how in the world were we supposed to resurrect under these circumstances? he ended up taunting his yami to the point where he ignored the consequences of such an action and used his millennium rod (as a knife) to actually impale marik through the forehead (inner vision). of course this was a killing blow but with his headspace aspect and my being all omnipresent, SOMEHOW this reacted with headspace and turned the ENTIRE PLACE into a "resurrection tomb"???)
(scarab beetles flying around him like a jeweled whirlwind. absolutely gorgeous transformation, but simply so. rich with symbolism. I was shocked though because we all thought marik's metainomenai would have to do with his "mind" affinity or his struggles with power & anger... but how would that manifest as a metanoia? what would his role become, to rise above that? and suddenly, now everything was just this brilliant sunlit gold and I realized that dude, he's HOPE.)
(specifically the pharaoh of hope, similar to chaos' "prophet" title. very heavy name, but fitting. felt like something had just come full circle. he looked stunning. i think he used his new hope-influence to resurrect me right about now.)

(continue!! remember when it ended i was so incredibly drained i almost collapsed on the floor, haha.)

 

prismaticbleed: (aflame)

Well. Guess who's currently sitting in an airport in Denver at 1:30 in the morning?
Yeah, that would be me (and Genesis and Laurie of course). It's kind of hilariously awesome, and that is why I logged on here. I have at least five hours to kill before my last flight, at most nine, but we'll get to that. Let's start at the beginning!

As you may or may not know, today is the day I finally 'moved out' and hopped a plane to Salt Lake City to start my huge creative endeavors there. This trip has effectively been in the works for two years now, and it's been a possibility for about five. So this is a long time coming. Anyway, the reality of it didn't sink in until yesterday afternoon, when I was driving home from the post office and suddenly realized that "this is the last time I'm going to drive 'home.'" It was such a shock-- yes, I've been telling myself things to that effect for months now-- but it didn't "hit me" until it was actually happening for the very last time. So I pulled into the driveway and tried to go about business for the evening... exercise, dinner, computer work, et cetera. I couldn't. The significance of this being my last evening at home was astoundingly tangible in the air. I ended up going outside and walking around through the grass like I used to as a kid, in awe of the fact that I've lived there for two decades and the surrounding forest still leaves me speechless every time I look out the window. This realization actually helped me 'accept' the move ultimately, but we'll get to that as well!
My mother came home around 8PM and she was an absolute emotional wreck. I was also, and had been crying for about an hour without fully knowing why by that time (and I've been doing so on and off for about three days now; I also haven't been sleeping well). So seeing each other like that just was too much. She'd been a mess for days, and I was trying desperately to express the frustration I was feeling at everything that had led up to this. Let me elaborate on that, actually.
I've always been a creative kid. You all know that. But I've felt 'stunted' and repressed by the world I've lived in for a good part of my life now. Elementary school was fine-- every second of my spare time was dedicated to creative work-- but I sacrificed my social life for it. It wasn't like I had the opportunity to form much of one anyway, living in the middle of the woods and near a small community whose limited inhabitants didn't understand me even then. High school was the same socially until 2007, when I discovered deviantART and finally started to make connections, but the workload from school seriously cut into my creative time, and I really wasn't "myself" during high school as a result of "culture shock," so to speak. You all know about that. By the time college rolled around I was desperate to get back into creativity, and I did have some real success-- I wrote the vast majority of the FFN OST while sitting in the art building's upper lounge-- but the professors were perfectionists, and I was often told that I was effectively "doing it wrong" when it came to my art. Now I understand how that can apply to theory, etc., but there often wasn't any advice or supportive critique given to prevent that remark from being made in the future. Anyway, long story short, college (on top of my psychological troubles at the time; you oldbie readers know all about those) really crushed my artistic drive and motivation. For a long time afterwards, I felt my art was useless on some level. And that didn't just hurt me, it also hurt my mother.
My mom, despite what anyone may say about her, is awesome. She's my biggest fan, she's incredibly supportive and compassionate, and I would not be here without her, in both the literal and figurative senses! I owe her a LOT and really hope she knows how much I care about her; I do as much as I can to show that but I don't know if it's enough. As I was saying though, we were standing in the kitchen yesterday evening, and I was trying to express why I felt so utterly devastated by this move, when I suddenly realized that it wasn't the move that was causing this emotional pain, it was all the events that led UP to it (the main ones which I just described). Then my mom joined in and told me, somewhat surprisingly, that that was what was causing a lot of her distress over my move. All her life, her biggest goal has been to get a place of her own, so that she could live her dreams, and her children could live theirs. She has tried nonstop to give her children the best opportunities and experiences available to them, but she feels so hindered in that by her life situation. Her marriage was rocky, her finances were unstable, et cetera. And she told me that seeing how much sheer talent we have as her children is both beautiful and terrible for her, because she wants us to bloom in that respect, but she also sees how 'held back' we are by the same circumstances that restrained her. So, she said she was 200% supportive of my moving out because she feels it will finally give me the opportunity to branch out in that respect and 'become who I need to be,' but feeling that she 'couldn't do enough for me' on her own really hurt, especially in light of the fact that I was now moving 2000 miles away from home, making her feel utterly separated from one of her children in at least the 'physical distance' sense. But she said she 'knew' that I 'had to be there,' before adding with a laugh that "Salt Lake City won't know what hit it." That reminded me of the awe I felt in the grass earlier, and my mother said she felt the same way about life in general: the both of us view the world like children, perpetually enthralled by it, and I put that magic into my work without even 'realizing' it, as it's second nature to me. My mom said she believed without a doubt that that 'magic' would reach people to a very deep and powerful extent, and that whatever I would ultimately do, it was incredibly important.
The conversation somehow segued into a really in-depth philosophical discussion after we both cleared out all those painful emotions and worries, and we ended up talking together for about five hours! Which was actually beautiful and amazing. I love talking to my mom; she's the only person around who I can discuss these ideas and feelings of mine with, and even if she is a little preoccupied at the time, I can still tell that she cares and is listening as best she can. I am seriously going to miss that... but I did make her a Skype account, so we can talk that way, which is good. I'll be calling twice a week at least, probably. I want to keep in touch, not only with her but with my entire family, as much as possible. I really love them, and although I do miss them, it doesn't hurt this time? I mean, seriously, I'm sitting here in Denver and it's 4AM back home and I know my grandmother is probably waking up around now, the first morning without me there in the same room... and although there is pain in my heart from thinking about that, and I'm aware of it, it doesn't make me want to start sobbing like it did yesterday? It's odd. All the pain and worries just dissolved when I got to the airport this morning. Maybe that means something, like yes, this really is the right time for me to be moving. I'm not abandoning them, no... it's nothing like that and I would never do anything of the sort. I'm simply needed somewhere else right now.
I kept telling myself that last night, but worries lingered, and after seeing the weather forecast (severe thunderstorms over my state, oh boy) I ended up a shaky mess and couldn't sleep. I started looking for Chaos pics on dA as that always helps, but around midnight I decided to contact Mel over FB just to assuage the specific travel concerns a little. To my surprise they said Q was around and they felt he could help me with that better, so I logged on to Skype and we talked about it... and it helped immensely. The universe did, too, to a rather beautiful extent. One, while I was still on the FB main page, one of the groups I watch posted a link to a small article titled "Five Ways to Trust the Universe." Clicking it, I was shocked by the simplicity, beauty, and truth of the advice, and immediately forwarded the link to Q, who agreed wholeheartedly. Two, shortly after this, as I was still browsing dA absentmindedly, one of those 'talking ads' decided to show up and the first words of it were "It's a beautiful day!" I actually laughed when I heard that, partly because it was almost 2AM and that sentence was just broadcasted to the whole house via my laptop speakers, and partly because it seemed to stand in stark contrast to my worries about weather and schedule, but it still felt entirely true. It was as if it were saying, "who cares if there are thunderstorms and travel worries? It's still a beautiful day!" Three, that ad came back, about ten minutes later, and this time I listened to the next sentence. Guess what it was? "It's a beautiful day... so if you're headed out of town, you'd better get moving." I think that speaks for itself.
Lastly, I brought up the 'sense of wonder' thing from earlier, in light of how I already missed my home and family: I could 'feel' the memories in the air here, the lingering truths of all the beautiful things that had first been created here. However I then paused, and in a quiet surge of inspiration, added that "I'll have to carry that in my heart." Q replied to that in a surprising way: he said that that was something he felt I really needed to do, to bring that love and joy and imagination with me wherever I went, to reach people with it who may not be able to experience that special sort of magic otherwise.
In a way I think I already started radiating that today, without even being fully aware of it (it happens instinctively). I'll let you be the judge.

There's a guy playing this song on the flute on the TV at my terminal (it's apparently perpetually tuned into a really old-school 'art' channel? synchronicity strikes again), and it really made me smile. Ah, early mornings at the airport!
Also I FINALLY got to drink some water right now, 15 hours after my last drink, and I don't care if it's bottled I am so freaking thirsty it's hilariously delicious. There was ONE store open when I got to this airport and it did sell bottled water, so thank you to that open store!!

So. Now to finally talk about the flight schedule itself.
I left my house around noon yesterday morning, on the 14th, after doing some last minute packing and organizing. Almost my entire family accompanied me to the airport-- the only exceptions were my grandfather, who isn't mobile enough, and my mother, who was unfortunately working at the time (and they wouldn't let her leave). We hung out in the lounge together for a while, during which time my mom called, so I got to speak with her and reassure her that everything was okay. Then we checked the flight schedule board and hey, I'm already delayed! This wasn't a concern though-- the delay was only an hour, and I had a three-hour layover waiting for me at my next stop anyway. So that wasn't an issue. I said goodbye to my family twice before I went through security, after which I just chilled out at my gate for the next hour, making sure I knew my flight info and the like. Genesis showed up to keep me company almost immediately, as did Laurie, and the two were teasing each other like crazy for a little while which was hilarious.
The plane left around 3, and as we were pulling out I suddenly found Xenophon sitting in my lap. She was adorably excited, saying Laurie had insisted she sit with me, as this would be her first time flying. And I'll tell you what, she loved it. When the plane took off her eyes just lit up! I couldn't stop smiling at her. So she sat with me for the whole trip, while Laurie, Genesis, Chaos and Dagger(!) apparently were 'riding' on the wings? Hey, when you're not there physically you can do crazy stuff (Genesis typically rides on top of the car during road trips). Oh yeah, and Marik and Bakura were apparently trying to surf on the plane as well. It was hilarious, I will say that much. I will also say that when we took off, and I saw my hometown stretched out below in rolling green hills and sunlight, it was kind of hard not to cry, simply because it all looked so beautiful and I really am going to miss it.
We arrived in Philadelphia at 4, and it promptly began to rain. No kidding! Now I had roughly 2½ hours until my flight, but I first had to hop the shuttle to get to my gate. This took about 20 minutes as we had to wait for the rain to let up a little, but no worries. However, once I checked the departure screens, I realized that my flight was currently listed as "boarding," and at a terminal halfway across the airport. I ran to that terminal, but when I got there I was surprised to find that there was a totally different flight scheduled there! So I don't know what was up with the screens. Anyway I had a good laugh over this (after I could breathe again of course), then decided I'd just stroll around the rest of the airport until it was time to really board. Now at this time Laurie alone was accompanying me, and she was getting rather concerned-- it was hot at the airport, I hadn't eaten in six hours (and breakfast wasn't big), I was operating on several days of bad sleep and stress, and I had just run like a lunatic across half the airport with a 20-pound carry on hanging from my shoulder. So I was a little dizzy at the moment. She insisted I eat something before my next flight-- a 4½ hour connection to Denver, where I am currently sitting-- and I assured her that I would, as soon as I found a place. Unfortunately this was tricky with my dietary restrictions; my options were either buying a salad, a fruit smoothie, or possibly sushi at this really posh restaurant near the C gates. By the time I finished walking, though, it was 6PM, and I didn't have time to spare. So I decided I'd just buy whatever was nearest my gate. Now, as I walked past another departure screen, I overheard a family of four saying something about a "flight to Colorado." They sounded confused, so I stopped and asked them if they were talking about the same flight I was on? They said yes, and I explained the discrepancy between the board info (saying it was boarding) and the actual situation (it's not going to board for another half hour yet), assuring them that no, their ticket info was not incorrect! They thanked me for this, as they had indeed been baffled, and I continued on my way. Now thankfully there was a quick-stop shop that sold wrapped fruit, so I got an orange, an apple, and a small bag of dried fruit. It only cost me about $4, brilliant! So armed with food, I walked to my gate... where I was greeted by a rather intimidating line, positioned in front of a gate screen that read "DELAYED DUE TO WEATHER: NOW DEPARTING AT 8:30PM." Well. That sure wasn't on the departure screens! So I nabbed a place in line, eating my dried fruit and apple in the meantime as I really was getting hungry and kind of faint, when it hit me. My flight out from Denver had a 1½ hour layover tacked onto it, but this sudden delay was adding at least another half hour to my arrival time. Was I going to miss my 10PM connection? 15 minutes later, the man at the gate said yes, I was almost definitely going to miss it. Okay, now what? I asked when the next flight out would be. He took a look at the schedules, then told me...
11AM tomorrow.
WHAT.
So, he double-booked me on that flight to make sure I got a seat, but then all I could do was wait. However, I first had to make a few phone calls... aaaand my cell didn't get service in the airport. So I ran to a payphone, when I realized I didn't have enough quarters. I did have some cash on hand, though, so I walked over to the foreign currency exchange stand and asked if they could help after explaining my situation. The guy there said he 'wasn't really supposed to,' but he gave me three bucks in quarters anyway, which I sincerely thanked him for. Then I waltzed over to the payphone and called my dad. Since he's flown in the past and has dealt with layovers of doom before, I figured I'd ask him if he had any advice. However, no, all I could do was wait. I was cool with this though, so I assured him I'd be okay, and then I tried to call Mel. However, the call wouldn't go through, and I kept getting an "invalid phone number" response. I called the operator and had them put it through, but that still didn't work! So I tried to call my house phone. Same problem. Even better, the payphone didn't return my dollar in quarters that I lost as a result of these attempts. Laughing at the absurdity of this whole situation, I returned to the currency stand and told them the situation. The guy shook his head, smiling, and said he'd let me use their phone. Now I was just about to dial the number... when my cell phone rang! This was bizarre because it wouldn't let me dial out, but apparently it could receive calls? I wasn't complaining though! I answered it immediately-- it was Mel-- and told them the situation as I walked back to my gate. They were understandably upset at the thought of me having to stay the night at the airport instead of at my new home, but there was nothing we could do. We were in the middle of discussing travel plans for my new arrival when they suddenly disconnected. Not sure why this had happened, I still couldn't ignore the fact that my phone was somehow getting service all of a sudden, so I decided to try calling my family then to tell them about this delay. It worked! And, to my surprise, my mom answered the phone (she doesn't always come home after work so I unconsciously assumed she was at her boyfriends house). I explained my dilemma to her as gently as I could, letting her know I was okay, and I'd call back as soon as I was leaving for Colorado. However, as I was finishing this call, my phone told me Mel was trying to contact me again. I hung up my family call and answered ner, and we finished our previous conversation-- with our current schedule I wouldn't reach SLC until almost 2PM tomorrow, but Mel would still be able to pick me up, so that was good. I just needed to contact them once I got my new boarding pass. Now, once again, all I could do was wait!
So I waited. I switched seats to see the gate screen better, and sat down next to a brunette in a pink hoodie and toe sneakers filling out a crossword puzzle book (don't ask me why that sticks out in my memory). As I sat and ate my orange (hey, who knows when I'd be able to eat next?), I remember praying for a little "miracle"-- if somehow I wouldn't miss my connecting flight in Denver after all-- but I was shocked when I assessed my 'feelings' and found that they were actually favoring the delay situation. I thought about this for a few minutes, and realized that even if I tried, I couldn't feel bitter at all about the whole delay thing. On the contrary, it felt almost exciting. It would be an adventure, an experience I otherwise would not have had. I kept thinking back to Des Moines, and how that was a nightmare to live through, but I remembered it with a sort of fondness, solely because it was so interesting. Now, in light of what I had been told last night-- as well as what I had learned since Des Moines in general-- I simply couldn't view this potentially huge delay as 'bad'. I had absolute faith and trust that, whatever happened, this would work out for the best. So I waited.
I waited for longer than I thought I would. The plane did arrive at 8:30, but boarding was taking a long time. I tried to call my family that I was finally leaving, but my cell wouldn't let me call out again. I randomly asked the pink-hoodie girl if she knew why that could be, but she had no clue either. I thanked her anyway and resolved to try again once we got outside. Ten minutes later, though, a woman and her two daughters joined the line behind me, expressing their frustration with this delay-- they had just flown in from Italy, and had essentially been navigating airports all day. This sparked a conversation in the back of the line, which I joined in on, and it was actually really lovely to just chat it up with my fellow travelers for a bit. And, awesomely enough, the woman returning from Italy let me use her iPhone to call my family before we boarded! My mom and grandmother both answered (on two different phones), and my mother was obviously trying not to cry. I told them that we were finally leaving-- they were shocked that I hadn't left yet-- and that I'd be on the plane for at least the next four hours. I promised to call them back when I landed just in case, but I'd also call again in the morning. Then it was time to board the plane. Once we were finally on the plane, though, we literally just sat there for a half hour before taking off. So, in truth, we didn't leave Philadelphia until 10PM! Once again, I didn't mind: I was now getting some lovely spirit-guide messages as I stared out the dark window and tried to tell if we were moving yet or not. They kept telling me to keep trusting in the 'bigger picture,' to keep being grateful for everything I experienced, to keep smiling (which I seriously had not stopped doing since I reached my local airport almost 12 hours ago), and to not be afraid of anything. They really emphasized that last point, and I realized why as we took off into the night and were greeted by lightning flashes in the clouds above. Now, a few months ago, I might have flipped out right then. Now... just a sense of wonder. However little 'twinges' of fear kept jumping up, to which my guides told me, surprisingly seriously, to "stay in my heart center." I mentally nodded and did so, and the resulting change was immediate and powerful. I looked right into those thunderclouds and I wasn't afraid at all. It was an absolutely incredible feeling. I then had the thought that the delay had been important partly because now I got to experience this night flight. I wondered why, and then the clouds cleared.
Have you ever seen Philadelphia lit up, from an airplane, with stars shining overhead and silvery clouds floating by below? It is beyond words. I wish I had a camera on hand, as I had such a strong desire to take photos solely to share the joy of the sight. Oh, that's another feeling that hit me all of a sudden as we took off. I looked around at my fellow passengers and suddenly I felt this overwhelming love for them all. I saw them not just as travelers from one state to another, but travelers in the great journey of life itself: these were fellow souls that had journeyed through heaven knows what over the years, all leading up to this point, and now beyond. Every single person on that flight with me was beautiful and irreplaceable and inspiring by virtue of their very existence. I still couldn't stop smiling, although that brought me to the verge of tears again. Also, seated next to me was a middle-aged couple, and I remember the woman was eating a salad and the guy had some sort of greenish-teal shirt on. I'm recording all the snippets I can remember, because I want the memory of today to stick!
(Speaking of, right now "Music Of The Night" is on the TV and there's a dude lightly jogging around this end of the airport. Good on you bro!)
The night flight was truly lovely. I had to fight the urge to fall asleep once we hit the 2-hour mark or so, but I did nod off a few times due to unavoidable fatigue. I tried stretching a bit to stay awake, but that could only accomplish so much. Thankfully it was a 'movie flight,' and the couple seated next to me had bought a showing of The Avengers to watch (go figure). And right around the time I was trying not to doze off was the beginning of the New York alien fight. So I decided to maybe watch some of it, both to get a glimpse of Robert Downey's eyes (especially from inside the suit; the lighting is lovely), and to maybe help me stay awake. I didn't want to watch the fight scenes again though, so I was just sneaking quick glances. Now, I don't know if this was intentional or not, but as I was looking back out the window, the woman suddenly elbowed me slightly. I thought she had maybe shifted and bumped me accidentally, but then I looked back at the movie screen-- and it was the scene where Tony flies the missile back into the tesseract, the exact scene I had wanted to see. So I mentally thanked her, haha.
We arrived in Colorado around midnight local time (2AM in PA), and as the plane was still on the runway I called my family to tell them I had arrived safely. Only my bro Randall was awake at home (as always), but I told him I'd be calling again in the morning. I woke up my dad, but he said that was fine, and thanked me for checking in, before also telling me to call in the morning. I didn't call Mel yet, as I wanted to wait until I had the information for my new connecting flight to give them. Thankfully, that was handed to me upon walking through the entrance. My boarding gate was at the opposite end of the airport, though, and this place is big, so I started walking before I finally called Mel to give them the information. They said they had checked my flight info online, but then said there was apparently another flight out to SLC and they were surprised that I wasn't on it. True enough, my current flight (the 11AM one) wasn't even on the departure screens-- instead, there was one listed to leave at 8AM, same airline, same destination. I said I'd try to get on that one if possible. After briefly reviewing plans for the morning (I'd call them at 7AM either way, and I still had someone picking me up whenever I arrived), Mel told me that Q wanted to talk to me. Of course I agreed, and they put him on. We then proceeded to casually talk for the next hour. It was great. He was explaining this "SCP" horror game to me, which was really interesting, but I had to cut him off at one point (not hanging up though) to quickly speak to customer service as they were closing. I told the man at the desk about the SLC flight situation, and he very kindly put me on the waiting list for the 8AM flight, giving me a second boarding pass and telling me what to do to check if I was given a seat on that plane or not. I thanked him for his help, then went back to talking to Q. Around this time the topic switched to the actual situation we were in, and since I had several hours to go yet, I decided to walk around the airport while we talked (I ended up walking the length of it twice which was fun). Apparently we both have the same strange feeling about this trip-- not only is it mind-boggling to realize that this is several years and a lot of 'synchronicity' in the making, but the very fact of my moving to SLC feels incredibly significant somehow, in a surprisingly large sense. Q described it as a 'turning of the cogs of the world,' or something along those lines: every action has a reaction, or a ripple, but this one is BIG, like throwing a boulder into a pond. We're not sure why we can't shake that feeling, but we're not worried, we're just hilariously excited. It feels amazing, and to think that this, right now, is the moment of truth, is brilliant. I will be in Utah in less than 12 hours, and then I guess all heaven breaks loose? Whatever happens, once again, I have total faith.
I hung up around 1:15, bought the water I mentioned earlier, then sat down and began to type this. Now its 4:15, haha! Sunrise is in two hours and there's a big window to my left, can't wait. Oh and I was smart enough to pack a bit of food on the plane, which I purposefully saved until the Denver flight anyway, and which now is getting me through the layover as no shops are going to be open for at least another hour or so (the earliest flights leaving here are around 5:40AM so I assume the place will get busier within the hour). It's just vegetables of course, but I've got two tomatoes and a cucumber that are freshly picked from my mom's garden in here, which is awesome. And there's that weird missing-it-terribly but still not-wanting-to-fly-home-because-of-it feeling. Ah well, I can call Mel in three hours and depending on the situation then, I'll call my family too. I guess I'm just concerned for their well-being in light of all this; the gravity of the situation hit me yesterday, but I don't think it really slammed them until I went through security at the airport. You know, the point of no return. So I want to keep in touch to make it a bit easier for them, if possible, especially with the whole mess of delays!

Hm. Not sure what else to type now. Maybe I'll just close this up and read, because I did pack a book and haven't been able to read more than three pages yet because of how unusual my schedule has been. Then once the sun starts to come up I'll meditate, as it'll be brighter and I won't have to worry about falling asleep flat-out as a result. I think that'll work. I'd compose something (I'm updating from Scherzando, my new Windows laptop, and he runs FL like a dream) and/or listen to music on Last.fm too, but I don't have headphones (and I don't really want to buy airport ones due to pricing), and besides I've got this TV in front of me that's been playing snippets from Italian operas and symphony orchestras all night, which is pretty brilliant.

In that case I shall bid you adieu for now. I will update again tonight (9PM Utah time, maybe?) if possible, because I know today is going to be beautiful, what with finally arriving in SLC and then going to Assumption mass this evening (my second favorite non-holiday holy mass of the year; first is the Ascension). The only trouble is that I might be completely exhausted by then. We shall see. I don't want to sleep for 15 hours and forget everything, right?

4:40 AM... 9 hours to go, tops.
So much love and light to all of you.
I'll see you soon!


ablution

Aug. 8th, 2012 08:43 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)

Holy sharks, I just realized what the relationship is between my "wanting to be alone" and yet wanting to form connections with people, in light of my moving on Wednesday.

I DO want to "live out of a suitcase," in that I want to be free to travel wherever I am needed, BUT ideally I would like to do that WITH someone? But that someone would have to be just as dedicated to this theoretical cause as I was, and in turn we'd support each other as two parts of one unit. We'd support each other, in whatever ways needed, not having to worry about anyone else to provide for us.

...Aaand I just described my core headspace situation, NO SURPRISES THERE!

But that's why "family life" kind of rubs me the wrong way. To be blunt, I do not want to "settle down." Ever. That may seem strange, as I've lived with my biological family for two decades, but remember that I haven't exactly been "fit to travel" until recent years. And then you have the situation mentioned previously, what with needing a companion to travel with. So yes, I do want to travel the world and go wherever the wind takes me, but maybe I've been spoiled, so to speak. I can't imagine doing that without Laurie, or Chaos, or Genesis... you get the picture.
Back to the family thing. I think this is unconsciously why I've been 'away' from headspace for so long. I feel 'trapped' up there now, and ironically, it's only because I'm choosing to feel that way. Seriously, headspace is freaking HUGE. No one is making me stay in the penthouse! But I feel obligated to stay there, solely because it's a place where we can 'get together,' and that feeling like I'm tied to this single location has caused me to bail entirely. It's not fair to those I love, but at least I finally understand it.
Now I'm excited, to be honest. Since headspace is fluid, once I explain this problem to the core group, I'm sure we can work with that. After all, it's nothing new: I remember the night I discovered this beautiful location, when I went upstairs for the night I was shocked to find myself in that very room, courtesy of Laurie (I still don't know how she does half the things she does)! And then of course you have my meditation 'flights,' most notably the trial at the Blood Lotus Cathedral, which, despite its terrors, is still one of my most treasured memories. So even if some people do want to stay at the 'central' location (i.e. the penthouse), I think I'm going to travel nightly from now on.
I suppose fear is still holding me back though? I know Laurie used to never travel as she was our only line of defense against Julie, but now she's still concerned about the tar, even though she's been teaching Josephina how to handle things in her absence. Chaos will only travel if Xenophon will-- I hope she does, I want to show her all the beautiful things I can imagine-- but I don't want to force anyone. Ah well. I have a bad habit of worrying about these things before taking action, which is ridiculous; the future hasn't happened yet, so worrying about it is useless! I'll just talk to them tonight and see what comes of it.

In other news, downstairs life lately has been quite interesting. Let's give you a quick recap.
First of all, I didn't sleep at all on August 2nd. Not only was I up until almost 4 writing that entry, but I had accidentally eaten caffeine the night before. We'll get to that though. Staying up was actually lovely, as I got to see the full moon at 4AM, and I also got to watch the sunrise. And, amazingly enough, as I was watching the sun come up, barely awake, a hummingbird flew right up by my shoulder and hovered there for almost ten seconds, just looking at me. It was so surreally beautiful it literally rendered me speechless.
So that was the morning of the 3rd. I fasted that day, but besides that, all I remember from Friday is walking outside for almost two hours and talking to Laurie, and working at my local church picnic for the evening. I got home around 11:30PM, and a bit of a disaster happened. I'd rather not talk about that, but let's just say that at one point I legitimately thought I was dying (I was throwing up, shaking, and could barely walk straight). I wrote this entry during that time, but deleted it as I don't want that sort of talk cluttering up this blog anymore if I can help it. I planned on staying awake all night again, as I was afraid of sleeping in my condition, but as my symptoms worsened the thought of suffering like that for the next four hours of darkness was too much to bear.
Saturday, the 4th, was somewhat uneventful. I didn't wake up until almost 1PM, and promptly spent the next 3 hours researching and writing this piece for oneword, because when inspiration hits I ignore time limits! Then I went to church at 4PM and worked the picnic again until 11PM. Oh, and I also had the nerve to try and fast again, under the morbid idea of "hey, let's see if I end up hallucinating from all this," and almost passed out a few times at the picnic. So I had to break my fast and drink something or who knows what would have happened. I don't recall if another disaster went down when I got home,, but in any case my body was freaking out at my attempts to stay up all night yet again, and I, being too out-of-it from lack of food and sleep to make the smart decision, stayed up until 4AM when I pretty much collapsed into bed against my will.
I got REALLY sick on Sunday, the 5th, as a result of all this piling up. That day is a total blur as a result
I spent the rest of the night trying to make sense out of life, but didn't really get anywhere until around 1AM. I decided to read a few recent GFP updates, and they actually helped to calm my mind more that anything else had since the month began. Hence my previous entry!
I slept in until 1PM on Monday, the 6th, and actually didn't feel like crud upon waking up which was shocking but fantastic. I spent most of the afternoon reading existentialist blogs on Tumblr, trying to meditate for two hours on the porch (which actually helped immensely), and continuing to sell things from my LJ. I also gave up on fasting (reluctantly) and ate a normal meal-- normal for me is raw vegetables-- and it was almost comically blissful, because wow I don't feel sick after eating for the first time in almost a week! I then spent most of the evening browsing random fandom Tumblr blogs, which not only made me laugh out loud for the first time in weeks, but also inspired me immensely. Then around midnight my Google history says I decided to research G2 My Little Pony for about an hour? Who knows. I guess I needed their special brand of sugar-cute nostalgia.
Anyway. Tuesday, the 7th, again began with me sleeping in until 1PM, because my dreams lately have been realer than ever and I feel I need that right now, somehow. Hilariously enough that is about all I remember. I know I got all inspirational and posted a few things to Tumblr later in the evening, but that's about it.
Now, today, I'm just trying to recuperate, and find my footing again. I learned a lot over the past week, I'll say that much, and despite all the pain and trouble, I'm feeling incredibly happy right now.
That may have to do with the fact that I'm also listening to some really good music. It all adds up!

Now, back to the inner life, which is what I have indeed been doing in a literal sense lately. I forget what night it was-- understandably-- but sometime after August 2nd and before August 6th, I went upstairs for the sole reason of casually talking to the other headvoices, and it was awesome. Lynne and Jo both hugged me, and Jo seems really excited to get to work with me again, which is great. He still feels enigmatic to me and I'd like to change that. Oh, and Leon and Natalie are apparently bros? They were playing some sort of videogame in the central room when I walked in to say hello. That really made me smile, as they've both had really rocky pasts and can empathize with each other better than anyone else. Natalie also let his hair grow out a little, as he's decided to stay male but the hair helps with 'connecting' to my awareness (some part of my brain is still 'sticking' to his original female incarnation) so we can talk more clearly. He seems to be settling into his color now, so that should make solidifying his role easier now.
The only person I don't get to talk to much is Julie. She's always out by herself, from what I hear. Maybe she's used to it. In any case I think she's awesome and I have this really deep respect for her as I know what she's been through, so I want to befriend her more. I'll keep you posted.

Speaking of. I have decided to make a real effort to spend as much time with Chaos as possible, because although the past week shook me up badly it also made me acutely aware of the blessings in my life. Since he's one of the absolute biggest blessings I've ever known, I refuse to let fear get in between us any longer. Which brings us back to the opening point, I guess. Now that I realize the reasons why I was 'avoiding' him for so long, I can finally face them with conscious understanding and overcome them entirely.
Also the emotional blocks seem to be gone, too. Last night, I took a chance and walked right into central headspace like the good old days, after not having done that in weeks, and I swear the wave of love that hit me was tangible. I will admit that some part of me had forgotten what that felt like, so that was just... whoa. It felt really important, too, like a new beginning. Maybe it was, in that now that I can feel this again, and I'm leaving this state next week, we can literally start something new and more beautiful than before. I hope so.


I should really close this up for now, though. It's 11PM, and I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. Plus my current workspace is profoundly uncomfortable as I no longer have a desk, and Apollo only works in conjunction with a Wacom tablet now so I have very little space and my back apparently isn't happy with it. At least it's forcing me to close up and get some rest for once, right?


If there's one thought that has helped me through the darkest days now, it is this: love is unstoppable.
July 7th showed me the truth for the first time. If everything is love, how can we ever be lost?
And the answer is simple: we can't! No matter what happens, we will all return home in the end.
At heart, every one of us knows the way. Now, we just need to remember.

prismaticbleed: (aflame)


I'm feeling oddly content right now for some reason?
I got sick from food again today-- I tried to fast, as I really did not feel like eating, but I unfortunately gave in to hunger around 2PM and had like three cups of vegetables, haha. I need to start cutting back on portions.
Then I didn't eat again until around 9PM and that made me incredibly nauseous, so I won't be doing that again. My only real complaint is that, with how sensitive I've been to food lately, it's actually causing me to develop aversions fairly quickly. At the moment, I can't look at eggplants, oats, or sweet fruit without wanting to gag, simply because my stomach is that unsettled at the moment. It's odd, but I'm rolling with it. Life changes fast and I'm more than used to the major bodily changes this shift is bringing at this point. Bring it on!
Anyway, even though I have a headache and can't see straight, and might have to go for long-overdue hernia surgery next week (I hope not but I have no idea how to fix this on my own; I'll see), I'm still happy on the inside? Which is really, really nice.
I think I know why too-- I'm finally fixing the orange problem, hooray for me. I miss this stuff, it's great.
Last night I was up until 1:30AM because I randomly felt like drawing. I put it off all day, then as I was catching up on Dream World work as usual, I randomly decided to give the typing/cataloguing a break and do some sketching. So I finally put together a tentative redesign for Princess Amei, a really sweet monster from an extended-universe comic I drew back around 1999. I'm currently focusing on typing all those old stories into the 'novel,' so updated art is needed to accompany it! Anyway I'm happy with it, and it was fun. Then I proceeded to meticulously practice drawing Chaos Zero for at least two hours, haha. Time well spent!

Speaking of the love of my life. On Tuesday night (the 31st), I was about to just sleep without going home first (which I've been doing for weeks now; I used to spend at least 30 minutes talking to the family upstairs before work), when suddenly I was 'pulled' upstairs by someone who was really trying hard to get my attention... Xenophon. My lovely little daughter. Well, needless to say she missed me just as much as I missed her, but thankfully Laurie has been acting as a sort of 'big sister' to her in my absence so she's picked up on some of her habits... most notably, her determination in cases of virtue.
Xenophon absolutely refused to let me sleep without finally taking action on the whole orange situation first. Honestly, I was lying in bed and she was sitting right next to me, lecturing me in that adorable way of hers (I swear it's a purple thing)... we talked a lot. At one point we brought up Holy Saturday again, and I know I haven't written about that yet (I should because it was CRAZY), but Xennie is the only reason any of us got through it... in short, she found her metainomen. I'm unsure on what it is specifically-- I can feel the vibe-- but her "attribute" (we need jargon for that) is Blood, which is incredibly significant. Her metainomen is naming her as some sort of... I don't know, redemptrix of it?? As in, her very existence was a "redemption" of the blood we lost in all the graves dug, and now that's her title in a very concrete sense. I want to say she's a "Maiden," not just for her innocence and youth, but also because she is... well, "maid" of Blood. It's fitting.
Anyway it was a very emotional event, because we had discussed it beforehand, and let me tell you, talking about death with your baby girl is really a heartwrenching experience. You get the picture. But yeah, that topic came up again as we spoke, because she was referencing the courage and compassion that motivated it, for her as well as for me. And... I forget how it got to that, but she said that she wanted wings like mine? She loves her butterfly wings, but she said she wanted them to resemble the 'soul style' I have going on. Now at this point my walls had pretty much melted-- it is impossible to be 'closed off' around her, she's too sweet-- so I just reached out and channeled that spark of love, the first clear thing I'd felt in a while, into her wings, to help them grow. And dude did they ever grow.
Being a child in headspace, Xennie is very sensitive to energy, so she reacts to it fast, especially if there's direct intention behind it. I swear, as soon as that energy hit her, her wings just bloomed into these beautiful crystal shapes... I need to draw them, I really do. She was so excited when she noticed this, it just lit me up to see the joy on her face.
She must have noticed this, because immediately she jumped on my sudden openness and told me that it was now or never. If I could do that for her, then it was time to take the next step in fixing the mess I'd made over the past few months. She said that even though I was tired, I had to make a sacrifice here, for everyone's sake. So she refused to let me abandon my responsibility, not letting me so much as close my eyes because she insisted I get out of bed and go talk to her other father first.
...So I did.
Let me just say that the look on Chaos' face when I walked onto the main balcony for the first time in over a month was beyond description. You know how some things both break your heart and illuminate it at the same time? Yeah, that was one of those things. Then he threw his arms around me and I swear every negative moment since March just disappeared entirely. In the space of a single moment, I suddenly didn't care about acting tough or fighting demons or even chasing the void. All I could feel was love, both within and without, and God it was beyond words.
Sometimes you need to just jump into the water headfirst, I guess. (It's more than worth it.)
As if that wasn't amazing enough, Genesis apparently heard that I was finally 'back home' and he showed up a few minutes in, and wow I didn't realize how badly I missed him until I saw that grin of his, not dimmed in the slightest by the tears in his eyes (they still look like Van Gogh paintings to me). Honestly he is an incredible friend and daily life feels oddly banal without his sugar-spark energy lighting it up. He was so overwhelmed that he actually kissed me in front of Chaos, which started a hilariously beautiful chain of events where Chaos decided that wasn't fair and Laurie got everyone into a group hug and Xenophon kept complaining that she was too short to join in without flying, it was the best thing. Oh, and she showed Chaos her new wings, that was amazing... man that whole night/ morning/ whatever was absolutely gorgeous, I am so glad I took that chance.
By the way, there were more pictures of Chaos on dA last night, I told you it works!!
"You are the cause, and the world is the effect..." so true. Listen, there is a book I am reading right now that I cannot wait to finish so I can tell you guys about it. Also I SWEAR it is Dream World in a nutshell, it's uncanny. Thank God for incredible unexpected inspiration gates, right?

Where was I.
Oh yes, the happiness bit. I definitely think it's because of Tuesday night, and my recent work for Dream World, obviously. I've been trying to fix PARS2 (another 10-year-old story) all evening, which is quite the endeavor, but it's posing a lot of interesting questions and I forgot how endearing Rosaka is, haha. She needs more love.
I'm also trying to observe the last 15 days of Ramadan, for the sake of both spiritual solidarity and personal piety. I don't consider myself a member of any one religion at this point, but I deeply admire and respect the motivations and intentions that go into this holy month, so I want to partake in it as much as I can. My only concern is that I might not end up taking care of myself well enough-- yes, I'm only doing half the fast, which is less strenuous, but I don't eat much the way it is, and eating late does not agree with my sleeping schedule! So I'm concerned that my suhoor/ iftar might not give me enough calories to make it through the day 'safely,' so to speak. I'll have to be careful. I'm also concerned about sleep, as I've been purposely staying up until 1AM lately because my flight on the 14th isn't going to arrive at SLC until around that time, whoa man. But I don't want to mess up my health by messing with my rest patterns too drastically. In any case I'll have to do some more reading on Ramadan practices before I go to bed, because I really do want to do this.

I haven't been reading the GFP news updates lately and that isn't cool, I really should take an hour or two tomorrow to catch up on what's going down. I've had some killer brain fog for about two weeks now, and I'm curious as to what's up astrologically. July played out surprisingly accurately, according to their predictions, so I'd like to see what's scheduled for August, especially since the Mercury retrograde is coming to an end soon... and I know the 4th is incredibly important, can't remember why offhand though. Plus I keep hearing talk about the Olympics being really important in terms of global unity but I haven't read much about that either! Geez, I feel really out of the loop.

Random thought: I found a small touch-lamp in my bro's room that he wasn't using, so now it's on my desk, and it's lovely. It's just enough warm light for me to see my notes at 12AM, and doesn't wake anyone else up, haha! I'm going to have to get something like this in Utah, maybe. We'll see. I'm not planning anything until I get out there-- well, except for spending as much time outside as possible. Living in the woods is beautiful, don't get me wrong, but I can't really do anything besides walk around the house here (the woods is home to many predatory animals so I can't go exploring anymore, sadly). So I'm really looking forward to having actual places to go once I move. It'll be interesting!

Speaking of moving, I didn't mention this yet but I am selling all of my old manga/anime/Pokemon collections online. So, if you're interested in buying comics, games, CDs, DVDs, etc., or know someone else who might be, please spread the word-- I need to get rid of this stuff, and I need cash.
It's hilarious though-- it took me at least 16 hours to get that post together. It amounted to three solid days of finding/organizing stuff, taking/uploading photographs, and meticulously writing up the sales post! And the past two days have been spent managing orders and running to the post office, which is actually very fun, go figure. I'm not used to such a tightly-packed schedule, but I guess in this context (work at home, aw yeah son) it works. I don't mind it at all.
Also, when I went to ship my most recent two orders, the woman at the post office saw me walking in and joked that I practically lived there already, haha. That's what I get for my eBay and deviantART sales shenanigans, I suppose! But it's nice, because now we're on friendly terms and can talk casually whenever I walk in. I love that so much. It makes me want to be a 'regular customer' everywhere, just so I can be buddies with everyone. Seriously, whenever I drive past a diner or cornerstore or whatever, I want to stop in and spend some time solely to socialize. I want to connect with people, genuinely so. My father is my biggest role model in this respect; I know I've mentioned it online before, but I swear, no matter where we go, he knows someone! Because, even if no one has ever seen him before when he walks in, the whole place will know his name by the time he walks out. He starts conversations in elevators, he introduces himself to folks waiting in line, everything. I honestly admire that and try to emulate it as much as possible-- this from the guy who tells the cashier to have a good evening, and treasures the smiles he sees in return. Seriously I just love people so much, and I don't spend nearly enough time expressing that. Which is why I'm excited to move-- the SLC library employees are going to know me on sight pretty darn fast, I'll tell you that already!
Oh yes, and on the same note, I'm trying to talk to my friends online more (the sales thing is helping; a few of them bought stuff from me so we've been chatting it up thanks to that working as an icebreaker). I seriously missed talking to Termina (she's the one helping me out with Ramadan btw), and I'd like to get back in touch with DJ (my music boss, who bugs me to death on Skype but I don't mind as he's hilarious) but I unfortunately feel like I'm on semi-bad terms with him? I've had to back out of a few projects he asked me about (music and art-wise) thanks to my busy life, and I'm not sure how to make that up to him. Maybe I just need to suck it up and apologize, haha. But it feels nice to be communicating again. I'm also riding that wave and commenting on deviantART completely at random, like I used to when I first joined. It's surprisingly uplifting, even just saying a few words of appreciation on a wicked cool picture someone drew or something. Plus I care about a lot of the people I watch on dA, but never speak to them. So I'm trying to express that now, because it means a lot to know that you're loved, even a little bit, even by a stranger.

Regardless, it's 3:33 on the dot (hello angels!), and I should conclude this entry soon as I'd like to get at least ten minutes of drawing in before I check in for the night, despite the time, just so I don't slack off on rekindling my creativity. Pray that my art program doesn't crash and erase my work like it did yesterday (five times)! Seriously I need a new program, this one is a major pain in the neck. Drawing traditionally is more fun (I adore getting lost in pencil work) but at this hour it'd strain my eyes something fierce. So I must brave the computer screen, lagging tablet pen, and touchy programs! Fun for the whole family (or not). Just kidding. I can't really complain, as I'm glad I have a laptop, tablet, and art program to work with at all!

So. Tomorrow I start my fast, I ship more boxes, and I possibly go work at my church picnic because volunteering is cool.
But before then I really do need to sleep. Who knows, maybe one day I'll be the one stopping by and tossing silver dreamdust on your eyes at night! Gotta love this apprenticeship.
Sweet dreams and sweeter days to you all.



bluescreen

Apr. 16th, 2012 06:04 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)


Well. Apparently the universe really, really wants me to stop relying on computers?
Within 24 hours I have lost virtually all work access to both my laptops.

A few weeks ago something kept telling me, loudly, "print out your Dream World work." I wholeheartedly agreed, but once again shadows kept conspiring to stop me. First my printer had a fatal error (he's still shot), then the ink ran out for the family printer. Then when I got it to work, I couldn't get on my computer to print! My schedule seemed to fill up at the exact times I'd be free enough to type. And when I could type, my Vista-- Abbey-- would often crash, freeze, or refuse to let me format documents correctly (she's a bit ditzy to say the absolute least). So I didn't get to start typing in earnest until about a week ago... and as of last night, Abbey no longer recognizes anything plugged in from a USB.
I can't access my files (my backup files are from February and are missing all the major edits that hit me over the past month), I can't print anything, and I can't even back up my files onto an external hard drive. She also has no Internet access (and hasn't had any for over two years). Abbey has effectively 'landlocked' herself and as a result she is now effectively as good as broken.
Then last night I tried to partition Apollo, my Mac, and that didn't work... long story short, he's now all but empty. I still have Internet (obviously) but that's it, and now it's basically pointless to go online.
Because of this I have been forced, and rather distressingly so, to abandon virtually all of my reliance on computers. I still can only write music and type on them, of course, but I'm stuck for right now...
Thank God Apollo is recognizing USB ports today. I don't care how old the info may be-- I'm printing every single page I have written for Dream World, just in case I lose computer access altogether.

This isn't about computers though. Honestly I'd be happier if I didn't have to use them, which is keeping me laughing through this fiasco, because hey! I'm kind of forced to do that now.
But the computers don't matter here. What matters is my work.
I know it's important. When I actively try to deny it I get loudly reminded that it's something I need to be doing.
And I've been doubting and denying far too much lately.

This isn't the only huge issue I'm being pushed to deal with right now.
In the big picture, really, I couldn't care less about the computers. Like I said, I'd be happier without them. But that simple assertion hides within it an old thought that is more damaging than I ever realized. And the event that forced me into that realization is what is causing me to be so distressed today, re-routing this maddeningly directionless dolor into my technological concerns.
The computers don't matter. What irony, to realize that today, of all aching days.
Apparently, there are a few 'deep' emotional problems I've never dealt with because I had no idea they existed, or could exist. Now I'm reading Huxley's Island more studiously than I read my textbooks, and it's giving me insights that are so sharp and accurate it's rather disturbing. I've had to close the book and take a deep breath a few times already, as if I had just caught myself from falling off a cliff. I'll read sentences that describe my life so accurately it frightens me, because I didn't realize I was that dysfunctional on those levels.
Ironically, the level I clearly know that I'm dysfunctional on is still the worst.
But we'll get to that.

I'm feeling disconcertingly 'detached' today, and there's a worried anxiety gnawing at my ribs. It's the dry sort, though. It's the kind that feels like standing in the middle of an empty parking lot as thunderclouds roll in, and the air is choked with the smell of ozone. The wind whips around you, almost intangible in the coffin-warm air, foreboding. It's not a nice feeling.
I used to call these 'Julie days,' before I learned that she was just as much a casualty as I was. These are shadow days, ego days, hours that fester in the interim between headaches and fever sleep. I don't like it.
And yet, in trying to prevent these days, I perpetuate them. In trying to traverse deeper into love, in trying to open my heart a little more, I find myself forgetting closeness, forsaking affection, closing my heart. Every time. I don't understand this.
I know what happened last night, and yet I don't. Laurie insists we talk about it, and so we will. Friday, maybe.
But the point is this: whatever last night triggered-- and maybe it just dug this up yet again, the parasite that refuses to die-- today, I fell into fragment mode.
No, no splinters. They're gone for good. But this is what the fragmented one felt like. It wanted nothing, nothing at all; it rejected everything, pushed everything away, denied and forgot and renounced it all. No exceptions. And it makes sense, when it is here. Whenever it is here, it makes perfect sense. My perceptions seem to be colored by circumstance, even when I am present. Why does the same state of mind feel so incomparably different, depending on when I feel it? Why does the emptiness beckon with both bright and dark? Why do I still seek nothingness? I'm supposed to be using stars to fight this entropy, but I've been rejecting Timeheart for the false light of the void. And yet the irony sticks around. I always seem to find myself caught up in paradoxes.
Genesis showed up to say hello this morning, to see how I was feeling, and I told him to leave. Not out of malice, no, but simply because I didn't want him around.
Indifference is deadlier than enmity.

It's been three months since that hellish night of January 17th, and in a sick, sick way, that night was more beautiful than last night was. Why? Because I could feel, three months ago. Because even though I was bleeding and sobbing and praying for death or deliverance, Xenophon was standing there by me, telling me that she still loved me even with the new gashes on my chest. Even though I felt worthless and abhorrent and twisted beyond forgiveness, Chaos was there to offer just that, holding true to unconditional love when I was convinced I had thrown it away, convinced that I had sinned irreconcilably against him, against life itself. And even though I lied and manipulated and hurt and deeply damaged both myself and the innocent, with a bloody knife in my shaking hand, Laurie still put her life on the line for me, to jump in the line of fire, to try to save me from my own vicious contrition when I was the one desperate for bleary red retribution.
“Truly, it is in darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.”
Does it work the opposite way as well?
Last night there was no blood, there were no tears, there was no sickness or fury or self-hatred. But last night felt dead, somehow.
It is in light that one finds the darkness... I need to go beyond.
I am so, so sick of this duality.

The computers don't matter. But that disconnection is only one symptom of a deeper disease.
I've been hiding behind my cool kid shades for too long. I may be the Seer of Love, but I keep forgetting that at heart, love translates to sight. And to see something, it takes time.
Time. Dare I say... how ironic?
Three months ago I swore, bitterly, that I would cast off my secondary title forever. In that moment of deep remorse I hated it.
But time didn't hate me.
She never did.

Genesis noticed something about me, the other day. I have a habit of becoming so hopeful, so enraptured with transcendence and the life beyond the physical, that I forget that I still exist in the physical. I forget that I still have a body to take care of. Yes, even with my worrying about my health lately. Life feels like a movie, a video game, a fantasy. Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality, you know? But what if I can't tell what 'reality' is most days, and doubt every single sensory perception I have? If I treat everything as false, then what is real? The answer is nothing... nothing really matters to me.
In direct contrast to my current Care Bears addiction, I haven't really been caring much about anything today. Only today, mind you! This only started after last night, and that's what's unsettling here in spite of the dearth of emotion. Last night only happened because I cared. I cared so much, so honestly, that for a few hours I wasn't afraid. Then I woke up, and... well. Then I washed my hands of all of it. Then I woke up and wanted to erase everything, again.
I used to think I wanted to turn back the clock, to return to the 'old days' of childhood when all I had to worry about was writing, drawing, composing. But as I thought about the events that surrounded my work, I realized that I did not want to turn back, ever. The family life, the school events, everything that swirled around outside me back then was repugnant. Even thinking back to the 'golden' times-- the forts in the living room, the jelly sneakers and squirt guns, the class plays, the violin store-- felt wrong, because I knew they were all just crystal bubbles in a sea of sleep.
I didn't want my old life. I wanted the sense of ultimate non-attachment, of freedom from everyone and everything. I wanted to become identity-less, a watcher, a channel. I wanted to cease to exist as an individual, like I did back then, but only when I worked. I would create and dream and love it all, without a thought to myself. Once I started writing about my own story... things fell apart.
Things fell together, too. That's what's making me sick about this.
Since 2002, when I met Ryman and Markus, my life took a completely different path, leading me to Chaos and Genesis and Laurie and so many others... but at the price of those friends, I almost lost contact with others. And even now, I find myself wishing I could 'go back' to the time before that happened more than I'd like. It's not just wanting to strengthen my original links. It's also about wanting to get rid of the new ones.
I overheard Laurie talking to Chaos today, just a little bit as I was feeling too apathetic to do much. But two things stuck out.
One, she thinks I love her more than I love Chaos, in a way, because of my hardwired 'innocence' drive.
Two, she thinks I love the Dream World more than I love anyone upstairs, family or not.
I can't affirm or deny either of those thoughts of hers. And frankly right now I am too tired to think about it, because yes, my mind is still in utter 'reset' mode, and nothing in the world matters right now except detaching from reality. Homework? Not finished, as usual, probably not going to be. Sleep? Haven't been getting enough, won't get any tonight at this rate. Family? Haven't spoken to them all day, upstairs or downstairs. I'm sitting here listening to the LG*Girls soundtrack and feeling like someone punched a hole through my ribs because all of a sudden, I can't type on Dream World. Silly, I know. If only there was a better way to write it all down. But until I print everything out, there's this ridge-raw gap in my soul and only those old dream friends of mine seem capable of healing it. There's a light to them that just... illuminates things. It's hard to explain.
But they're the single reason why my childhood was beautiful, the single reason why so many of my old memories are lit with sunlight and sparkles and forest mornings. Without them, it might have been mundane, forgettable, maybe even banal. But with them, even the simplest things became a heaven. To this day, everything they touch turns to gold. Not even Laurie or Chaos has done that, as far as I can remember. I don't know how to explain it.

In a way, I do want to let go of all these connections. I want to let go of the daily worries about headspace and waking friends and all that nonsense. It's tying me down.
But... in a way I don't. I can avoid them for weeks and not be bothered, but then one day I'll suddenly hear him instead of a catastrophe or I'll look up in shock at the wrong name or something small like that will happen, sharp enough to pierce my armor... and even if I deny it, even if I pretend it's just a knee-jerk emotional reaction, it will light a desperate flame in my heart for something I'd long forgotten. But I still won't care. I won't care until suddenly he's there or she's calling me and in a sudden snap I can see them, just barely, vaguely, distantly. But it will be clear enough, and I'll see her scars or his eyes or her tiny face, and maybe in that moment the emptiness will fade to light and I will beg forgiveness, I will plead reconciliation for ever wishing they were gone.
Even now, and I know without a doubt, if I lift my eyes from this screen and look at one of the many pictures of him on this wall, my tense expression will immediately soften, and I'll find myself smiling, either with joy or with tears. If my mind is quiet at the time I'll notice that I'm starting to fall into that old feeling. But I hesitate, and when it speaks again... why does it always bring that up? Why does that feel awful, even now, after everything? Why can't I figure that out?

There are two things that make me forget all about these connections.
1. Series work. It somehow overshadows everything else in importance.
2. Trying to fix the deepest dysfunctions.

The moments immediately after they try to give everything to me are the emptiest. I was hollow before but then I become devoid, uncaring in total spite of the love that I know, I know with unfailing certainty they have for me. In the past I almost used to hate them, as frightening as that prospect is, but I knew half of it was projection. Now I just... don't care.
I think that's why Laurie is afraid I love her the most.
She's the most innocent one of us here, in that sense, which is strange and oddly contradictory. She's seen more than I'm aware of and yet less than I know. She has learned of the bloody details and shameful elaborations alike. But she's somehow avoided all the levels that even Genesis jumped up to reach. With her there's no romance, no passion, no intimacy. And because of it I adore her.
I am absolutely terrified sometimes, when she decides "why the hell not" and is a little more honest, a little less inscrutable than usual. I don't know how to deal with that blurring of lines, that sudden shift from a brutal and inviolable soldier to a compassionate and somehow even more sacrosanct angel. I am terrified because sometimes there's a color to her eyes that I don't recognize, but it's all too familiar just the same. I am terrified because if she ever does cross that line, the point of no return, she would become unreachable.
She got close to me one night and I had no idea how to reconcile the blissful sincerity with the paralyzing dread.

Speaking of dread. She's the only person I can feel around right now.
Chaos tried to connect with me last night and I couldn't feel anything. He was shocked and was trying to laugh it off but I know it worried him more than he'd dare let on. Here's the soul I've effectively promised to share my life with, and I don't feel anything with him. But when Laurie walked in almost two hours later, to see if I was okay, I felt that familiar glow of childlike excitement, nervous but bright. Then she walked over to where I was and put one arm around my shoulders, trying to lighten the mood, and my own disposition turned from sunny to startled.
At that same time I was aware of a heart-wrenching gap in my chest but couldn't figure out why. Here we are, the five of us; if there's so much love here, why do I feel so scraped out and cold? Why do I feel like either something is missing, or that there's far too much, and can't tell the difference at all? I could have cried but in reality I knew I'd wear a poker face no matter how many tears fell elsewhere. The split was too much to bear.
And yet, could I handle this if there wasn't a split? On these days, when I wake up wanting to be utterly alone and distant, could I handle it if I woke up to see him, to see her? Even as I type I know the answer is no, in stark contrast to my desire to be with them somehow, some way. I keep waking up and looking at my left hand, wondering why I keep feeling a wedding ring there when I've never had one, let alone a wedding to get one from. I keep thinking about weddings when I wouldn't have one if you paid me and I think I'm getting lost in symbolism, in shapeless concepts.
Still, the pain in his eyes when he realizes I still can't see him never fails to tear me apart inside.


This negativity isn't me, and it's bugging me.
But who am I, really? Watashi wa dare? Even that movie feels wrong.
I'm sick of consuming. I want to create. I can create. I will. I am.

I'm rambling. I'm tired. I need to sleep but don't want to. I want to sleep but don't need to.
I still don't feel like eating and I can't tell if I'm sick or healthy anymore.
This old fearful reality is terrible. Please, end already. Please.
I miss my family and I miss my children and I miss my daughter and I miss my friends.
And yet I can't feel anything. Why not?


I'm a mess. I can't think straight and I'll probably look at this entry tomorrow, laugh, and say "what in the world was I smoking to write such a depressive thing?"
I know. I'm trying not to laugh now, because laughing makes it even less important than I'm trying to make it now. And even if this is all fleeting and temporary et cetera, it is still important. Even the smallest things contribute to the big picture, sometimes in surprisingly significant ways. Right now, though, I've got my eyes closed and I'm wishing I was the picture and didn't have to keep pretending to look at it from the outside anymore.
I keep forgetting I have things I was meant to do and experience first, I guess. Life is meant to be lived.
It wasn't meant to be lived alone either.

What a surreptitious ego. I thought Holy Saturday had changed you. Didn't it?
I can't tell if I'm overlooking things or looking too deeply now.
Where did she come from now? She was here three months ago, crying, shaking, shouting. Now she's smiling.
But I remember the blood lotus, it had her face, it had mine too, and the past is a jumbled mess that I still can't decipher.
I don't want to decipher it though.
Even though she loved me and for that short while I did love her, when all was said and done I wished we had never met.
Now I find myself regretting it all, even as I try to find distant fragments of our past. When she is separate from me she is beautiful, enchanting, mysterious. When she looks at me with that crystal-blue smile I feel an awful regret rising in my bones, a sort of dismal bitterness at having such a bright thing suddenly become so personable. Don't bring me into this. Don't make me a thing, a person, an object. Stay free and elusive in your poppy-eyed wonder, as gorgeous as the first time I saw you. If I would love you unconditionally, why does that flame suddenly flicker when you return the sentiment? Why do I always leave you clutching cold embers to your verdant heart? Not just you, but all of them. I would love you to the end of time and beyond, as long as you never looked at me like that, as long as you never made me remember that I existed too. The fatal condition.
That can't be right.
I do love you. I love all of you. But it feels somehow wrong for you to reciprocate.
Sometimes I still feel that loving you is wrong.
It can't be. This is love, isn't it?
I don't understand.

Attention, attention. Here and now, boys, here and now.
Is enlightenment supposed to feel this vacant?
I'm thinking too much. What a joke!


prismaticbleed: (Default)


for speech class!

 

(childhood focus)

 

CULTURE
N/A. Not much to affect me, either ignored/ unaffected by the rest

ENVIRONMENT
I lived in the woods with no neighbors or nearby places to go, so I was very solitary, highly adventurous, and strongly imaginative. I would explore the woods by myself like I was some great discoverer, and in a way I think that helped reserve more of my childlike qualities because that went on until I was about 15 with no criticim or interruptions at all. I reveled in it.
I also had no "friends" save for 2 or 3 casual acquaintances at school. I was the "weird artist kid" and perpetually sat alone, but with my creativity I strongly preferred it! I would secretly celebrate when my "friends" were absent because then I knew I wouldn't be bothered. That solitude made me fiercely independent inside, in that I gained a solid ground for later self-assessment and wasn't molded too much by others.

PERSON
My brothers and father did have impact. For whatever reason I always wanted to be like my dad; I viewed him as this great success story, so to speak. I wanted to learn his craft desperately, and still do to a surprising extent. My brothers shared in my imaginative pursuits and although I will regrettably admit that I "used them" for this purpose many times, I loved them dearly, and without their different views and opinions I wouldn't have made as much progress in my creative works, esp. music and Dream World. Also my dad introduced me to my favorite bands so I owe him a lot there. I also respect my mom and grandparents but they feel distant to me in memory.
Outside of family, CL, HB, and AAA all moved me greatly. CL was like my little sister and I adored her, even though I only knew her for about a year. I remember the one class trip to the zoo; I was so overprotective of her it's almost funny to look back on it. However I was too selfish at the time, which really limited the sincerity of our friendship, and that didn't hit me until she left, which hurt terribly. I think she still motivates my guardian side. HB was an angel. She was this bright bubble thing I couldn't quite reach, but I remember the one time she smiled at me over my keyboard when I forgot to plug my headphones in, and I remember hearing her sing. For whatever reason she inspired me tremendously; she actually cared for me, if only a little, outcast that I was. At that time in my life, she was a walking miracle for that reason: the immensely grateful shock of realizing that she was willing to consider me a friend, even of only for the duration of that summer camp, never really wore off. As for AAA, I loved her, in a unique way. I still do, honestly. She was my hero, my shining star, and she motivated almost everything I did. I didn't know how to show it back then, and my attempts all backfired spectacularly, but I don't regret trying. To this day she remains one of my biggest sources of inspiration.

EXPERIENCE
Preludove. I met her in a dream and my life changed forever.
Also I don't know if I want to bring up the whole asexual/ transgender topic, but that was very important in how I lived/ presented even as a kid, albeit far more unconsciously as I wasn't aware that was even a "thing" (sexuality was completely foreign to me until the dreaded dawn of teenage health class).

ACTIVITY
Dream World, if anything. For years upon years it WAS my life, quite literally. Every tiny thing I did could be traced back to find its roots in that story. It consumed my every waking thought.
Then I met Chaos 0 and things changed a little.

 


(adulthood focus)

 

CULTURE
Define this word? My inner world got so strong that after 2002, my inner reality started influencing how I viewed the outer world, which was often dangerous as I could NOT tell there was any difference between the two (which was strikingly obvious around 2003-2004, and caused me quite a bit of trouble in school and at home). I was too naive and trusting, but for me that was "normal." Dream World once again has the biggest influence here.

ENVIRONMENT
Once again, high school and college left me nearly ostracized, but I didn't care because I had Genesis and the internet! So my creativity still bloomed but outside influences did start to badly taint it. I lost several years of work because of it, hence my horrific backlog in writing Dream World right now. Anyway even today I feel no need to strike up conversations or approach others as I am happier alone.
On the other hand my headspace is incredibly rich so people would often be shocked at my knowledge and inherent 'being' when I did express it outside. This was a shock to me as I thought everyone self-analyzed, haha. It was scary when I began to realize the truth. But inside I was safe and grew without outside restraint directly, so that was a huge environmental help for me. I always had a place to go to.

PERSON
Bakura, Marik, and Chaos 0 stepped in and changed my life forever, no kidding. Genesis also did this to an absolutely staggering extent when I met him, due to having to take an inner "year off" of everything to introduce him to this world. Laurie showed up in 2006 but she didn't become irreplaceable for about a year, and the she proved to be one of the most important people in my life.
Q, Jim, and Ben all showed up in late 2007, and they gave me real outside friendship for the first time in my life. I overcompensated at first and made some big mistakes as I had no clue how to handle relationships like that, but they stood by me even through that fiasco and I can never thank them enough for their patience. They were also stellar creative inspirations; I drew more after I met them than I had in years.
I found DP in 2008 and JMC in 2009, and they both moved me so strongly even if we never met. Then Xenophon was born in 2011 and already my life is changed permanently.
Once again the biggest emphasis goes to Chaos 0, Laurie, and Genesis. Together we are really something amazing.

EXPERIENCE
One word = multiplicity! And EVERYTHING hinged on that, the good and bad times alike. It all centered upstairs. Of course the time stretch to 2008-2012 has been the most important 4 years of my life, because I went hardcore with my soul-searching and I learned so much: who I really was, who I had pretended to be, how to solve ALL of my old troubles and traumas, even the ones I swore were unsolvable... I still have memories of staying up until 3AM in the kitchen, writing in Insanejournal, and feeling utterly torn apart inside; that part of my life seems like a whole other reality now. Looking back, I have come so far it's almost incomprehensible. I can only imagine what lies ahead.
If anything has "defined" me as a person, it's been these past 4 years, with all of us working together, with all of the blood and tears and bones and glory and love.

ACTIVITY
Still Dream World and all my other Linkworlds to a certain extent, but only because of the truth they carry. There is no way I can ever keep them quiet, or to myself. They don't 'define' me as a person BUT their range of influence on my life can never be ignored or understated. They are vital and irreplaceable and I think even I don't fully realize how important they are. I love them, and truly, my downstairs life goal IS to share them with the world, whatever it takes. I've had that purpose given to me emphatically over and over again. I WILL do it!! ♥

 

 

prismaticbleed: (held)
 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE




Only Laurie and I are filling this out because otherwise there’d be far too many people talking at once. My apologies.

1. How do you communicate? (Do you ever hear each others voices? Do you ever talk to/with each other out loud? Do you ever leave notes for one another? Do you ever communicate without words (using images/feelings/colors/etc)?)


(Jewel) We talk, upstairs, virtually every day. Sometimes we get ‘group talks’ together which I host online, and those can go on for hours. As for talking without words we’re still new to that, but the system jokes that it’s my ‘native language’ so I sometimes confuse speech with meaning, if that makes sense.

2. How do you find new members? (Do you find other members mostly through journaling? Or can you see and hear them?)

(Jewel) Oh geez, that’s… not set in stone? Sometimes people literally do ‘walk in,’ like Bro Strider did last month, but in the past I had to explicitly seek people out, often in their own native worlds, before they started showing up in our system. The people we refer to as ‘headvoices’ up here are a different group, though.

(Laurie) We just show up whenever the heck we feel like it.

(Jewel) Yeah, you guys literally just appear out of nowhere. Leon was the most surprising case of this, as he manifested entirely without warning last March.

(Laurie) And then I killed him because he was being a manipulative sonofagun.

(Jewel) And then he came back! But yeah, it varies wildly. As for journaling, I don’t know what you mean by that, but I can see and hear everyone on at least a general level. Perception clarity goes up in correlation to how ‘close’ I am to the person.

3. How do you choose who wears what? Do you argue over clothing styles?

(Laurie) No one is allowed to front but the red kid.

(Jewel) Or rather, me.

(Laurie) Yeah. We all tried fronting at some point but that doesn’t always work too well. Co-fronting does happen, and I have pushed J out of the driver’s seat a few times but I don’t do a thing about appearances. We all just roll with whatever Jewel does; it’s his call.

4. How are decisions made in the front (consensus/majority rules/one person makes them/other)?

(Laurie) Once again, that’s Jewel’s domain, but man does that boy ever need a lot of help.

(Jewel) All of you guys are helping me in one way or another, yeah. So would that make it more of a consensus thing? Because we do work by Spine’s dietary habits, and I have to be careful around mirrors if Nat is in them, stuff like that.

(Laurie) True. So we all just collaborate on that I guess.

5. Is knowledge shared equally or do some people have access to things that other people don’t?

(Jewel) Personal experiences within the system are private unless shared, but generally my life is accessible to whoever needs it, or at least in a broader sense it is.

(Laurie) Chaos and I get the secret stuff.

(Jewel) Genesis too. But yeah, there are some things I only discuss with the inner system, such as past traumas, significant emotional problems, things like that. Basically very volatile subjects that I don’t feel too comfortable discussing nonchalantly.

6. Can you remember things that other people in your group do? Are you aware of what happens in the front when you’re not there?

(Laurie) See above, if Jewel lets us see it it’s open to everyone.

(Jewel) But about the fronting, that’s usually only visible on a present-moment basis. Often I have to fill in non-present system people on what they need to know after it’s already happened.

(Laurie) Which is a problem because most people are never around.

(Jewel) That’s another weird one. Laurie seems to be the only one in our system who can walk right into the things if she wants.

(Laurie) Because I never sleep, that’s why.

(Jewel) Probably. But other than that, we all have our own dreams, as far as I know. Do you headvoice guys dream at all? I’ve never asked.

(Laurie) No clue, see above. That’s a good question though.

8. Do you all take responsibility when you wrong somebody as a group effort, more collective apology or do you expect the person who did the wrong to fess up?

(Jewel) ‘Group efforts’ concerning fronting aren’t a concern, but if Laurie is channeling and she offends someone then she’s responsible for apologizing, haha.

(Laurie) You usually cover all our tracks anyway.

9. Is there one in your group that stays in the body for more time than the rest? (How often do your primary front-runners change? How often do frontiers switch out? Is fronting a skill that has to be taught?)

(Laurie) That’s Jewel’s job. If there’s ever co-fronting then it’s either Nat or Spine who’s involved, due to body issues. Otherwise if we want to be around, we ghost.

(Jewel) That’s a whole other topic in itself…

(Laurie) No kidding. So Jewel fronts, capable people ghost, anyone else who wants in on it can just stick around in central headspace and watch things happen that way. It’s like a freakin' movie theater up here.

10. How do you parcel out time during waking hours between work, school, hobbies, social commitments? Is it left up to whomever is in the front or do you plan it out? How do you balance money/space usage?

(Laurie) Time concerning fronting isn’t an issue, but ironically that does make it tough for Jewel to spend time with us some days. That’s been a problem recently, hasn’t it?

(Jewel) Yeah. I’m the only main fronter so if my downstairs time is fully occupied, it often makes it very hard to communicate with everyone else. Ghosters can still stick around of course, but I can’t guarantee attention, and everyone else has to wait for me to slow down and show up.

(Laurie) We usually have to book actual time slots into his schedule just to talk.

(Jewel) Unfortunate but true. ‘Hey, I really want to talk to you guys, does Wednesday evening work?’ And if it doesn’t, things can get problematic. I try to at least get a short talk in every night but that doesn’t always work, just ask Chaos.

(Laurie) No kidding, you fall asleep on the poor guy sometimes.

(Jewel) I wish I didn’t! So constant communication seems to be mandatory up here, not only for the sake of information, but also because it seems to have a strong effect on my psychological well-being at this point. But uh, the question was something completely different, wasn’t it.

(Laurie) Haha, yeah. Just time management was all, actually.

(Jewel) Oh. Well hopefully we settled that coherently enough.

11. Are there noticeable differences with who fronts? How can an outsider recognize a switch? How would I know whom in your group I’m speaking to? Do you announce yourselves? What’s the most polite way to ask who I’m talking to? What if I want to talk to (name) but (name) is out?

(Jewel) EVERYONE can tell when Laurie is fronting.

(Laurie) No kidding.

(Jewel) As I said earlier, though, that rarely happens. Typically Laurie only steps in when the going gets really, really rough. If I cannot handle a situation, for psychological or emotional reasons, she likes to take over.

(Laurie) Hey, I’ve got a responsibility and I intend to live up to it.

(Jewel) You do. But besides Laurie, uh, no one else has really fronted enough for differences to be noticeable or even manifested? If anything, the personality shines through in terms of body language and speech style, I guess. And no, Laurie does not announce herself.

(Laurie) And if you want to talk to someone else, just ask, but chances are we’ll only be relaying messages.

(Jewel) Unless it’s text-based communication.

(Laurie) Yeah. That’s easier as it’s not a full front, just a channel. Hence these conversations.

12. Ever have someone stuck at the front? What makes you get stuck here or home?

(Jewel) No, that’s never happened, and it’s kind of a scary thought. I don’t think most of you guys could even handle that.

(Laurie) Probably not.

13. How do people compensate for not having their bodies out front (ex. not matching the body’s gender or appearance)? How does the physical body impact upon the consciousness? Particularly in cases where the gender or even species are different, does it have some profound effects on the way you’d interact with or view the world?

(Laurie) Compensating isn’t a concern for most of us, we know Jewel’s stuck in this thing just as much as we are.

(Jewel) Yeah, I get… bad gender dysphoria. I’ve been getting general body dysphoria too, lately.

(Laurie) Really? Why?

(Jewel) I’m used to being mental, spiritual. I’m used to being a reality warper. I can’t do that here! So that on top of the general gender issue can really mess me up.

(Laurie) About that. I know most, if not all, of us up here don’t front because of dysphoria. Leon gets gender dysphoria from it just as bad as you do, for one. Spine gets body dysphoria really bad, as she’s a skeleton, and I know Chaos and Genesis refuse to even try fronting because of the species barrier, and also because it’s seen as ‘your’ body physically, I mean come on.

(Jewel) That would be more than a little awkward, yeah. But I do sometimes ‘assign’ the body to Nat, due to the reflection thing, although ze still has problems with it too. But back on topic, appearance-wise I try to strike a happy medium with whoever has problems with presentation.

(Laurie) Which is mostly you.

(Jewel) Because I front. Even so I can’t get it to match me either, so we just make do with what we have.

14. What age range do you have in your system? Do younger or older front runners have a hard time not being in an age appropriate body? Do you have children/minors in your system? What, if any, restrictions do you place on their behavior, in-system and publicly?

(Laurie) Don’t even ask us about age, that is weird as heck up here.

(Jewel) We all operate outside of time on some level. Almost none of us have ‘assigned’ ages, due to having unusual growth patterns, multiple birth dates, reality splits… I mean really, if you’re going by years then Laurie is five, Leon is barely a year old, Chaos is either 79 or a couple thousand… age doesn’t really cross our minds in that sense.

(Laurie) Your kid isn’t even a year old physically and you’d never know by talking to hir.

(Jewel) Exactly! And hir development has nothing to do with hir physical age. So that sort of age dysphoria isn’t a thing up here, at least not right now. It’ll probably hit us all as the body ages, due to time-inflicted changes that none of us are familiar with at all. We’re almost all ‘adults’ up here mentally but our forms do reflect that, so it’s disconcerting for me to even think about human aging.

15. If you could call what you are something other than MPD/DID, natural Plural or Multiple what other term might you use? Or do you like one of the existing ones? Do you call yourselves a system?

(Jewel) Calling ourselves a ‘plural’ or ‘multiple’ system is a very new thing for us, actually. For years we just said we were a bunch of people living inside a limited form’s ‘headspace.’

(Laurie) But it’s like a freaking Tardis up here.

(Jewel) Haha, yeah. Honestly it feels like we’re just a multi-universal congregation that came together for a common goal centered around this one specific period of existence. And because of time and space constraints we all ended up in it in one way or another.

16. How do you all decide how much of yourselves is public? Do you tell everyone that you’re multiple? Are you more comfortable around other multiples than around singlets?

(Jewel) At the moment we are entirely ‘take it or leave it,’ at least online. We don’t hide any of this.

(Laurie) Physical reality is new though. Jewel has always had problems with it even on his own, let alone involving the rest of us.

(Jewel) If the topic ever comes up, though, I say it right out. No use hiding what we are.

17. How do you keep track of who is in your system?


(Laurie) We are still trying to sort that mess out.

(Jewel) People… wander. Multiversal central people walk in and out according to their own whims or responsibilities, walk-ins are rarely around at all, and headvoices have a great deal of headspace to keep track of regardless, with their various roles. So I might not see certain people for days, or weeks, but it’s not too hard to find them if I really need them.

(Laurie) I keep telling people they need to stick around central headspace as much as possible though.

(Jewel) True, but that’s not always doable.

18. Who are new acquaintances most likely to meet first?

(Laurie) Upstairs? Me. Downstairs? Jewel.

(Jewel) That’s a constant.

19. When did you all realize you were a group? Have there always been several people in your body since birth?

(Jewel) Julie was ‘formed’ when I was about 7, but I had many walk-ins even before her. Even my group with Ryman, Markus, and Chaos in 2003 wasn’t a ‘system’ because we all had our own lives to attend to outside of our group. Having a system wasn’t even a concern until Laurie showed up in 2006. Then it was inevitable. There was no reason for a stable, set group before that; people just came and went as they liked.

(Laurie) Now we’ve all got jobs and stuff.

(Jewel) Exactly. Now this is business, and it’s an awesome business at that!

20. Did something “cause” your multiplicity? Do you believe in the medical model at all, for yourself or others?

(Jewel) We’ve tried applying the medical model before, it does not work.

(Laurie) I’ve confused the heck out of quite a few therapists.

(Jewel) Which is why I don’t bring you up anymore unless asked, love.

21. Tell me about your ideas on integration and separateness. How does it affect your worldview?

(Jewel) We… tried reintegration back around 2008. A friend suggested we re-integrate Lynne and Nat due to a misunderstanding of the situation on all our parts. It… didn’t go well. Both of them resurrected a few months later, but they were strikingly unstable. Nat died twice after that, and remained dead from 2009 to 2011 until ze resurrected in a completely new form thanks to a change in her manifestation circumstances. I know Nat is affected by hir multiple deaths but ze still views hir life as one concrete thing, even with the huge breaks and form changes. Lynne was really shaken up over the whole situation but she’s doing okay now.

(Laurie) Separateness is a weird concept for us, I think.

(Jewel) Yeah. The headvoices and I all know that we’re intrinsically connected at some level regardless. As for the walk-ins that doesn’t affect them.

(Laurie) And Chaos is a whole ‘nother story, wink nudge cough.

(Jewel) Ssh, that wasn’t the question!

22. Does anyone in your household/group lose time?

(Laurie) Never did. Even when I’m fronting Jewel is still roughly aware of it, more or less.

(Jewel) Sometimes it’s even clearer watching you, oddly enough.

23. Does your system as a whole deal with other kinds of neuroatypicality? Do individuals?


(Jewel) I have no idea what that word means.

(Laurie) I think it means mental health concerns or the like. You’re allegedly an aspie, if that’s the case.

(Jewel) True. I’ve gotten some interesting diagnoses in the past in any case. But I’m the only one of us who’s been looked at, at all, and I see no real reason to delve into that as we all work just fine together up here.

24. How are your memories stored (each person has her or his own/different people store different types/some are personal and some are shared by everyone/other/combination)? Who has access to memories (only the person there/only certain people/anyone they affected/need to know basis)?

(Jewel) Memories are entirely personal--

(Laurie) Unless it’s you and Chaos again.

(Jewel) Laurie, that’s not the question.

(Laurie) Still a valid answer.

25. Is anyone’s identity tied to the body? How do people whose self-identification does not match the body deal with it? Does anyone in your group use the body’s birth certificate name?

(Jewel) Haha, that’s a big problem for me, as I’m the fronter! None of us self-identify with this thing. And it’s hard to deal with some days.

(Laurie) Most days, lately.

(Jewel) I just keep reminding myself that it isn’t me and it at least helps all of us get around. So that’s cool.

26. Do you have a group name? How did you get it?

(Jewel) I’ve started calling us the ‘Lightraye System’ in reference to my assigned surname, which is a whole other topic in itself. I use it more as a general descriptive term concerning our core existences here, branching out from my central worlds and experiences. That’s really abstract, I know, but it works.

27. How are relationships handled in your group? Do you have in-system relationships? Out-of-system relationships? Is the body functionally asexual, monogamous, polyamorous or something else?

(Laurie) Ahahahaha.

(Jewel) Heh, yeah, we’re weird. We have purely in-system relationships, as the body is off-limits and not of our concern. I wouldn’t even know how to handle an outside relationship at this point! I’m so used to the reality warping and nonphysical stuff.

(Laurie) You’re spiritually bound to a liquid alien and your kid is a sharkbug. And let’s not even go into the improbability of hir existence.

(Jewel) Rainbow interspecies ectobiological spirit kids ftw. Oh yeah, and we’re almost all genderfreaks, amusingly enough. You and I are neutrois, Nat is bigender, I don’t even know what Jo identifies as…

(Laurie) I think the only ‘normal’ gendered people up here are Lynne, Julie, and Leon.

(Jewel) Julie isn’t exclusively female. I know that from experience, sadly.

(Laurie) We won’t talk about that. Speaking of we’re almost all inherently asexual too because once again, freakin’ weird biology. Or lack thereof, notably.


(Jewel) Which allows for some incredible shenanigans. I love it so much.

(Laurie) You would. And on that note, 'polyamory' is not a problem up here.

(Jewel) I think everyone besides our core group is completely uninterested in relationships. That seems to be what our core hinges on, is connections of that sort, now that I think about it.

(Laurie) Makes a heck of a lot of sense, actually.

28. Do you celebrate any birthdays? The body’s? Individuals’?

(Jewel) We all have our own birthdays, or manifestation-days, or whatever, sometimes even a few of those…

(Laurie) Age is freakin’ weird, we don’t really celebrate that concept. But it’s always nice to realize that hey, I survived for another year, that’s pretty great.

29. Any advice for someone who is trying to figure out if they’re multiple, or for a new multiple just getting to know their system?

(Jewel) Don’t force yourselves to fit anyone else’s expectations or ideas. Find out what works for
you, and realize your own truths, and live by those!


(Laurie) Don’t label things either. That causes problems.

(Jewel) It does. Anyway I have no idea how to help people trying to figure out if they’re multiple or not, because I just stumbled across the term myself and I’m just using it because hey, it works well enough, right?

(Laurie) Exactly. That’s what I mean about labeling. If you go judging yourselves by everyone else’s standards, or trying to live up to them, you can get into some seriously deep trouble, to say the absolute least.

(Jewel) Just let things happen as they happen. Don’t force things, don’t rush things, just roll with it. Take time to communicate and understand each other!

(Laurie) I think that’s a good enough note to close this up on.

(Jewel) It is. So that’s our survey, hope you guys enjoyed it, see you around.

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (czj)
 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO



Hey, guess who's back.

Superego's back.

Tell a friend!

I'm right here, you maniacs.

Haha.

No seriously. Jewel, you said you had things to discuss?

I did. I do. Also I just want to mention how much I miss Ryman and Markus lately, oh man.

You do know Markus is not going to let me get through today without a sparring match.

You two are still brawling on Fridays?

Course we are, it's tradition.

Hey ppls howya doin?

Get me some champagne and I'll take you to heaven, boy.

You can take me anywhere you want, love.

Believe me, I plan to.

Geez, these things are just glorified Sonic Chats, aren't they.

Haha, no way Laur. If they were everyone would be drunk right now, someone would be filming cutscenes in the closet, and we'd be fighting off Terminators singing Clay Aiken songs.

Good times.

You bet. But really, I do miss everyone, and I am serious when I say that I'd love to have at least the Pharaoh and the Mage in here for Christmas. But speaking of old titles, Markus hasn't even hit the old "metainomen" event yet. You know... incident threes.

You serious? He still hasn't?

No, no opportunity to. I think maybe I got too scared at some point. Don't get me wrong, in a way I'm glad that was postponed for several years because now he's probably going to get bonus points or something, but... yeah, it's not something I like thinking about.

Ours was brutal.

So was mine and Ryman's, seriously. That was the first one ever, it was terrifying.

Your number 4 with Chaos trumped all of that though.

...Yeah.

That was the most heartbreakingly terrifying and beautiful thing I've ever suffered through.

Cathedral wings and mindlinks, so I heard.

That absolutely killed me. I couldn't stop crying. Chaos, you were...

I know. I can't forget that either.

...

Hey, I hate to break up the reminiscing but we really do have a reason why we're in here today. Jewel, topics.

Right, right. Well I was thinking about last night and re-reading TPON with Xenophon this morning, and that plus the morning clarity made me realize a few things. I think maybe I was too distraught last night to mention a few points? I wasn't present enough.

You were a freaking mess is what you were.

Exactly. And that was really ironic. See, there's a difference between your life and your life situation, and I have been totally happy with my life for quite some time now. I'm even managing to get over my dysphoria because heck, it's just a body and it doesn't define me in any way. I mean transitioning helps, a lot, but at the end of the day I'm still this boundless bright thing and that's not going to change, no matter what my form looks like.

True that. Sounds like you're making progress.

I sure am. But that's a secondary mention. Most importantly, it sounded to me that last night, I was getting too attached to what I felt I had to do today? I was forgetting that yeah, although a connection would really help me show this love to Chaos, that love isn't going to diminish or go away whatsoever if I wasn't able to accomplish that somehow. And it wasn't going to block me from showing it in other ways either. I just... I still missed you, Chaos, and I got too desperate for that one thing. Sorry about that.

That's tragically understandable. You two do need a connection whether you like it or not.

Yeah, but getting so panicked over it felt really off when I thought about it today. Well at least in that sense. I am still perfectly capable of being happy and joyful without a connection because that's just icing on the cake. Really awesome icing, but still. The point is that Chaos and I are still our own people even then. We can't define ourselves by each other in that respect. If something comes between us, that won't break what he have, but it's no reason to freak out either because dude, these things happen.

Even if a mischievous fate befalls us, it will never break.

No matter how far apart we are, our feelings are linked and connected together. I know.

Sounds like what Xenophon says about you.

Dude it does.

"We're all connected at the heart." Well it's true, you know.

But you make a good point, Jewel. So you're saying that you shouldn't have taken yesterday as hard as you did, because even if you did have to wait, that would only be temporary?

Yeah and not even that. Waiting can't break this, period. That's the point. And that's where the irony comes in. Nothing can make anyone happy because true happiness can only be found within, and from what I've learned, that happiness always ultimately comes from love. That's the source that everything that's worthwhile comes from. And what was I freaking out about yesterday? Whether or not I could show that as completely as I wanted. I kept saying I wanted to be with him and I do, but heck that's effortless. It just means being who we are, as simple as that, together. That's it! Connecting is taking that and freaking merging it, and I was getting too worried about the details, and forgetting that those didn't really matter. Yeah, things are impermanent in this world, and I won't live forever even if we're not sure if Chaos will anymore or not, but...

I won't. Too much has happened. I'm stuck in the same boat you are now.

Because of the Ruby?

Basically. That and the other universes I'm tied to through it.

What about Parnassus, aren't you two divine beings over there?

Kind of, but we're not all there is! So even then the point is that things change, nothing stays the same way forever... that is, except love. The force that holds everything together. Divine love, not romance or any of that, although that's perfectly fine on its own. But that's stuck in duality too. That changes. Real love doesn't. Even if I'm not around anymore, at least not like this, love doesn't end.

This too shall pass, huh.

Yeah, and that's seriously freeing, I love it. It takes away all the stress from everything. No matter what happens, nothing can change what we all are at heart. If we just remembered that, that we're all united in love, this world would be a heck of a lot nicer to live in.

I think people are starting to realize it now. Give them some time.

I am. I'm not rushing or judging anyone. We all have our own journeys and paths to take and that's awesome. Let everyone else do what they need to do, whatever that involves.

So is this ironic too?

It's ironic because of how hard I was trying to show that innate truth yesterday. All I was doing was trying to show that love, which is going to be there no matter what I do. Remember what you said about us on June 29th, Laurie? About 'religious experiences?'

"Tell me just what the heck happened on Sunday that made both of you, both of you, feel that you were closer to God than you had ever been." Yeah, no kidding.

That's it, in a nutshell. All we did was tap into that, really. And I was panicking yesterday because I was getting attached to the details of the situation and I am going in circles again, sorry.

Haha.

Chaos, you have something to say about this?

Nope, you're doing fine by yourself here.

Plus I just want to mention that you are surprisingly stable in the whole spiritual matters thing.

That might have to do with me being considered a god in the past, who knows.

Heheheh.

No really, remember what I wrote in glissando on September 19th? How you're like this absolute angel to me? Here, let me quote: "When it comes to matters of the heart, he is fearless. That has nothing to do with his reservation, or his emotional volatility, or anything like that. I'm talking about when it comes down to the mind versus the heart, when you are torn between your true being and the doubtful voices in your head. I don't think I've ever seen Chaos lose his conviction in that sense."

...

You have a point. Every single time the hope versus hack situations would come up, you wouldn't even slip.

I saw no reason to. There wasn't anything pushing me off center. I didn't know how that hit Jewel, though, and that did worry me a hell of a lot.

This is what brought about our conversation on Sunday, you know.

So I gathered. Sorry about that, by the way.

No offense taken, love. I knew you were only trying to help, and, uh... well, that didn't exactly turn out so badly when you think about it. I just wish I hadn't gotten things mixed up.

At least it set that certain injoke in stone up here.

The AI one?

Well of course.

I'm glad that's solved though, seriously. I can see straight, for sure, in all of those aspects. And so now I'm free to do whatever the heck I want with it, and that is to just walk away and over to this blue alien over here.

You know I'm better than that stuff.

You sure are.

Speaking of. How's the static issue?

I'm not sure. It's not paralyzed anymore and I'm just letting it be for now. It's not something I can discuss downstairs, but I have time to make a decision concerning it.

You're not letting that infect your judgments, are you?

I was. I was, at first. Now I'm not. Now I just accept that it's a problem, but I'm not freaking out or unconsciously spitting fear-based accusations or anything. Thank God.

No kidding. So that's settled too. Nice.

Yeah, today feels beautiful so far.

Speaking of. How far did you two get last night? This morning, rather?

Not too far, Jewel wore himself out way too fast.

Dude, it was 5 in the morning, I was shutting down whether I liked it or not. I seriously felt you kiss me though and that was awesome, just letting you know.

Hey, at least that got through. I think that's an actual first.

Yeah, usually I am too tired to feel a single thing but man, that is pretty noteworthy.

I'm just that good, admit it.

Haha, you are. Plus I cannot look at my background of you right now without freaking melting.

Man, I really am rubbing off on you!

Not like that, haha!

Which background is this now?

The picture I found on Wednesday night. This one. That top right picture of you just... agh, it does stuff to me.

Do tell.

Chaos I told you that I have you memorized. It's actually uncanny that I quite literally have this sense memory of you and you've never even been on this level.

That doesn't mean a thing, you've been close enough to get that several times over the past eight years.

She has a point, wink nudge cough.

Don't you start that up again, CZ.

Hey, I'm not the one who promised me at least an hour of quiet time today.

You think you can get that, Jewel?

Yeah, I'll find a way. I mean it won't be as extreme as October 12th, because I was the only one home that day, but I'll manage something.

When?

As soon as possible, love. That's a promise. I'm not putting this off until tonight or I'll just wear myself out again.

Hey, about that. Is Xenophon doing okay?

Yeah, didn't you speak to her this morning?

For like five minutes, yeah. But I'm wondering what she was like around you.

Completely fine. Worried, sure, but fine. Was she okay when she got up?

She was panicking a little. We didn't exactly leave her on the best note.

Yeah, you'd better believe I apologized profusely to her. I felt really freaking bad after last night.

That was inevitable, though. I really couldn't handle a channel. I was getting a headache every time someone spoke.

Dude, this is what we meant about the bloody exhaustion. After today you'd better take one heck of a break.

I will. I do need to recharge. Things change, remember! I can't stay at a high point forever.

True. Just remember that and stop being such a bleeding perfectionist.

Irony, again?

Maybe. He was the one telling you not to freak out about that for years after all.

And now I'm the one grinning like an idiot every time I see him like that too.

Despite the pain?

Laurie, he's still him no matter what he looks like. I just said that. And yeah, it does hurt, but I still love him absolutely and I can't hide that. Plus, well, I had to kind of get through the Sonic Generations thing before I could really calm down about that.

You were so nervous about that, Jewel, I felt pretty bad.

Sorry. It just hurt, you know. I don't want to fight you like that, not after... not after that fourth incident we were just discussing, actually.

I know.

Hey, I heard you were drawing that out?

I'm trying to. Tragic or not that was one incredible afternoon. And see, this is why Ryman and Markus need to stick around more. They were both there too, and we would not have gotten through that if not for them.

No kidding, Markus is the only reason you were able to reach me.

And Ryman was the only reason I was still conscious at that point, yeah.

Man you're making me miss those two and I don't even know them very bloody well.

Well see, we need to fix that.

Hey, when Markus shows up later to beat the living daylights out of me, I can re-introduce you.

Who the heck wins those fights, anyway?

Aha, no one really.

I crack up every time I remember how those things started.

You would, you were the reason.

Was he really?

Yeah, really. I was a bit too jealous back then, and Markus goes without saying. It was a one-upmanship thing for a while, and then we nearly got into huge trouble because of it, and we decided 'hey, can't we just be friends already?'

Plus I was always like, 'guys, you are allowed to share, there is more than enough of me to go around.'

Pfahaha.

He did! You remember New Year's of 2004, that was brilliant.

You got me twice!

Well yeah, did you expect anything less?

Also that was technically a Friday night.

Nice one.

Man, Markus is going to kill me today, haha.

He'd better not, and he'd better wait until I'm done with you, which is never, but you get the picture.

Yeah, the man can give me a break on my anniversary.

Oh... that reminds me. Karmakanic came on shuffle while I was driving today.

I know, I was singing it.

Your iPod was practically spitting synchronicity at you there, yeah.

"I've been blessed by God, yet I feel forsaken. All to me was given, now it's finally taken." Sounds like the cyclical things we've been going through lately, doesn't it.

The bloody thing was never taken from you, though.

Yeah, but remember what I said about the irony. I was so worried about it that I couldn't tell.

True. Go on.

What, with the lyrics?

Yeah. I know how the rest of it goes.

Can we skip to the last verse, actually? That's... that really sums up today.

"Here at the end, it all begins. This sweet embrace, I feel eternity is near. I'll give myself, myself to you, eternally."

Mm-hmm.

That word just keeps coming up.

What, eternity and all that?

Today is a lemniscate, you know. Sideways 8. Zero equals infinity.

I still can't get over that.

It's true.

You're my other half, and I love you?

Exactly. By the way I didn't say that last night and that actually stung.

Jewel, you didn't need to say it, I felt it loud and clear.

Thank goodness for that.

No, really. You were the one quoting Fantastic Plastic Machine.

Was I?

Yeah. "No need for words tonight."

"Nothing is beyond our reach, we don't even have to speak."

Because when I hold you close to me, I can feel eternity. There's that word again.

Oh darling, if I'm ever blue...

Don't, don't go there, not this fast!

Sorry man. I'll slow down, put the Frank Sinatra back on, take this nice and easy.

Haha.

Don't you start that up in here again, Jewel, we'll never get this closed up.

I was kidding. No way am I going that far while trying to hold a channel, it won't work.

How are you holding up so far anyway? Things clear enough?

Could be clearer, but they're not bad either. I'm sure they'll sharpen up soon enough.

Don't freak out if they don't though.

I won't. I told you I've got that guy mapped. He doesn't ever fade all the way.

Hey, I don't want to be with you through a haze though. That's hard enough.

I know. But believe me, this isn't hazy. It'll work.

Speaking of, maybe we should close this up. It's already almost 3 and you don't want to be up late with all this.

True. Uh... I'm just wondering if I discussed everything I wanted to, as clearly as I wanted to. Basically I just wanted to make sure that last night wasn't completely misinterpreted. Oh, and Melody did have the right idea in telling us not to worry about waiting if we had to, but I don't know if we gave her enough credit.

I think we did. That was discussed.

Okay. Just making sure. Because I was talking to Xennie about this and I just wanted some closure concerning this conversation? I guess. Before tomorrow, of course.

I got your Christmas present right here.

Chaos, we both give ourselves to each other every year, who are you kidding.

Literally or figuratively?

Bows and ribbons-atively, at least up to this point.

Yeah, that's another reason why I've been so focused on this year. 2005 was one thing, but I don't think we did that again until last year, right? I don't even know if we did.

No, last Christmas was surrounded by hack fallouts and online coping methods.

Yeah, now that you mention it...

You two didn't start re-connecting until this January, duh.

Oh. That is true.

With one or two amazing exceptions in 2008, of course.

I don't even think we went all the way, man! Except for maybe the rainbows night. That was amazing for sure.

Regardless of what you two have been up to in the past, today is still the first time all this stuff has lined up in six years. Make the best of it.

Oh we will, we will.

Do you remember what I wrote for this, last year?

Was that on Tumblr?

Yeah. That was this. I guess I just want to reiterate that.

Hm.

Man, Chaos, that's one hell of a grin.


Can you really blame me?

I really should write something else about this year though. Besides lemniscate, and ironically that doesn't even count, that was back in October. Late night poetry, right Laurie?

Dude, yes, that was amazing.

You read this one, right?

Yeah, we all did. That was gorgeous.

That was... one of the clearest times I've ever seen you, Chaos. And it's one of the only times in a long time that my heart has felt that much at once.

Like July 7th, you mean.

Exactly. You know what I'm talking about.

Of course I do.

You two still need to add today to that list. Take your anniversary back from the solar boys.

They didn't steal it, Laurie, we're sharing it.

Still, you can't let them get away with doing that last year and not doing anything yourselves this time around.

Haha, maybe not.

That's pretty good motivation, actually. They're the ones who are responsible for the 'fear principle' after all, right?

Fear can always be conquered by love.

Hey, and what were we just talking about last night.

That, exactly. Man. Everything does line up for us, doesn't it.

I told you you two were important. Now close this thing up and get busy.

You're going to have to give me a few minutes, Laurie. I want to make sure I've got a stable link up and running before I dive into this. Or him, rather.

That's a good idea. And Chaos I see you smirking again.

Just thinking about this morning's injokes is all.

What, about what you have to do?

Heheheh.

Very funny. I'll do you just as well, sweetheart.

Oho, that's some serious talk there.

Yeah and I plan to live up to it.

No ace flirting in the Xanga room, that's a new rule. Close the heck up.

Well, not in that way.

No kidding, not in that way. We had enough of that last night.

Today is just the opposite. Open your heart and it's going to be all right.

Man, they had no idea what they were foreshadowing when they wrote that song.

At this point I think they did, in a way. I dunno. To me it just seems like all the things that link up to you two were meant to in a sense.

That's a given, Laurie.

No, I mean inspiration wise. And not just to you two. I'm sure a lot of people have had synchronicity like this with the same songs and books and stuff, and even things you've never heard of. Point is time isn't linear and I think everything ties together more than even we realize on a daily basis.

I like that. I'm going to have to remember that.

Remember me near, too.

Exactly!

Well Chaos, I daresay it actually is the right time for you to be here, so get over here.

Does Saint Peter recognize you two yet?

Haha, I'm sure he does, after the time we asked for postcards.

And the apartment, don't forget about that.

That is still my absolute favorite injoke.

Hey, that's what I should draw for today!

You have other priorities, kid. Gotta get there first.

Yeah, and don't I know it. But it's a funny thought. Oh, by the way Laurie. You're talking about inspiration in media and all that?

Yeah.

Remember when I started buying all the Archie Sonic issues with Chaos in them? And remember how absolutely stunned I was when, despite not giving him a word of dialogue, everyone still managed to somehow get his attitude right?

Shiiiiz, you can't not get my attitude right, don't be ridiculous.

Yes! Exactly! I swear that is my favorite fanfic, forever, it is amazing. It is the besterest.

You still going to animate that?

Inevitably. But yeah, I remember reading Sonic X issue #29 and laughing like an idiot because Chaos, that face you gave Eggman on page 9 was absolutely perfect.

Pun fully intended, haha!

Page 9? Take a look at page 13, there's more proof for you.

Yeah, no kidding. Oh, and page 28, oh man, that was amazing.

Buddy I will end you.

Hahahaha!

All right Chaos, now you're pushing it.

Come on, it's funny.

Man but it's great. See this is why I need to stop worrying about whether or not I can 'draw you right.' I think it's impossible not to, like Laurie said.

Yeah, now that put you under way too much stress this week.

I try too hard, Laurie, you know that.

And you need to stop that, kid. You know what we said about perfectionism.

And being obtrusive.

Slightly different point, but yeah, that is important.

But yeah, poetry. I do need to write something today. Preferably after... well, after the god of destruction and I accomplish what today is about after all.

That's making me think of July 7th too.

What, the destruction thing? Me too.

Tying everything together for the new year... or whatever we're accomplishing here. But it's big. And it's a new beginning no matter what we say.

It is. I'm honestly looking forward to it very much.

Don't get attached to stereotypically positive things, either. Remember everything has a greater purpose here.

Dude, that was in your inbox this morning!

What was?

Stereotypically positive things. "The night also is thine." Light and dark both tie into something bigger. I think that's the point you were missing, Jewel, concerning yesterday.

Yeah, it is, actually. Thanks.

No problem. But there's more synchronicity. What's the other one that came with it?

"Friend, go up higher." Change that fear to reverence and remember that all around you is infinite love.

Geez, they sent you a literal instruction book, didn't they.

Hahahaha!

To an extent? Not like we need it, though, we practically wrote the thing.

We did.

Man, but that's what I was honestly afraid today was going to be like. Not in a scared sense, just nervously. I mean, 2005, dude now that was going in blind. "Hey, let's get spiritually married to this water monster on the spot, that shouldn't be too difficult..."

"Hey yeah, you do know what that entails, right?"

"No, enlighten me."

Cue the interspecies makeouts.

Laurie, you are insane.

Hey, it's true!

That's beside the point.

Not really, love. We were both pretty clueless. "Uh, this is kind of a big deal, are you sure we're doing this right?"

Dude, you were the fearless one back then, you just jumped right in and I was honestly flipping out because "oh man this really is a big deal I have no idea what's going to happen," and then you got to me and there went the next few hours.

Gloriously so.

Oh yeah, you're telling me. Soul forms all the way, right?

Are you two going to get that far today or what?

Who knows? Depends on whether or not those are still activated that way.

Yeah, that's a good question, with how they've changed. But we can find out, wink nudge cough.

I knew I'd get to you eventually.

All right, that's perfect for closing this up, I'm out of here.

So are we, hitting the stratosphere.

Emotionally?

No kidding, I told you you hit like a freight train.

Sorry about that.

Don't apologize, it's worth it.

Guys.

What?

You're losing time that you could be using for something else.

Ah, but I thought we had eternity going for us today.

Not if you don't get that sunglasses-wearing Celebi out of this channel you won't.

Take today's 8, flip it turn-ways.

Zero equals infinity.

That's you, man.

Looks like I've got some serious talk to live up to today, too.

Nah, I think the talk is just trying to live up to you.

Is it really?

I sure think so.

Yeah, you would know.

I'd like to remember it better though. Remind me.

I need you, I miss you.

But you're always there, aren't you?

Sure am.

I think it's time to stop taking that for granted.

Sounds good to me.

Seriously, you up for this?

Why wouldn't I be? This is about us, remember.

There's that other word again.

I know how you feel, I'm feeling it too.

I hold my heart, I dream of you... I see your face, I feel it too.

And you waited long enough for that, didn't you.

Yeah, I did.

I love you.

I know. I love you too, more than words can say.

And what did we say about that?

We don't need 'em.

No we don't. So get over here and tell me how you feel.

I think you already know.

Remind me.

Haha, if you insist.

I do insist.

Chaos, I'm starting to catch sparks, seriously.

Good. That's what I'm going for.

How about you?

Already got them.

From me?

Obviously.

...I don't know, man, you're really winding me up today.

Well that is your line, J.

I know. But I've grown out of that role. Remember what you told me, Chaos. No matter what my face or name may be, I'm still me. You're still you.

And we're still us.

I know. I miss what that feels like, completely.

It's still there whether we do this or not, remember.

I know that too, but... I miss you too, still. Maybe it's not even missing it. Maybe it's just... needing to express that again. I don't know.

Do the details really matter? I miss you too. I've waited a long time for this.

What, today specifically?

I guess. But you brought up October 11th, and... it's been a while.

It has. Hey, did Laurie leave?

Yeah, she walked out on us earlier, go figure.

Psh. You know, I do appreciate that she cares so much.

Obviously.

Well yeah, but... I guess that's just moving to me, like we are to her.

Goes both ways, huh.

It does. Chaos, I love you, I really do.

I know.

I guess I'm just feeling that a lot right now. I think I really do need this as much as you do.

No kidding?

Haha, yeah.

Don't get nervous, come on.

I'm not nervous.

You feel nervous.

Do I?

Yeah. Not much, but it's there.

It's first-time-in-too-long jitters, I'll get over it.

Heh. You'd better.

Do you get that?

...Kind of.

Because now I'm remembering July 15th. The homesickness, and... how you looked at me.

...

You don't have any walls up, do you?

Jewel, I... I don't know. I think I'm more scared than I'd like to admit.

Of what?

Opening up. All the way, rather. I just... last night, you were scared because of how much you feel from me. I don't want to overload you. I know I won't hurt you, but...

Then why are you scared?

...I'm not sure.

Chaos, you won't hurt me, I promise. Remember what I said.

I can't forget that, Jewel, I can't ever forget that.

...That didn't count as an incident, did it?

I don't know what it was. But it hurt, too much.

...I guess that's what it felt like for you, when I'd slip completely out of awareness, huh.

...I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry. There's nothing to be sorry for. Yeah, that was one of the most painful memories I have, but... it turned out for the best. Everything does. Even the night is bright, remember?

Yeah... Jewel, I don't know why I'm still nervous.

So you are nervous!

Heh, yeah. Maybe I'm picking it up from you, I don't know.

Then I'll try not to be nervous. I just... Chaos, I don't know if we should do this right now. Like not this instant. But I don't want to lose this connection.

We're not that far yet, Jewel.

You know what I mean. If I get a few inches closer we're there, man.

...

Guess it's just been a while for both of us, huh.

Yeah.

I really don't get what the nerves are for. Maybe it's just with the pain.

Maybe. June 27th was... well. It worried me.

I think I can handle this now.

You think. I don't want to risk anything.

Chaos, I just told you, we're not risking anything.

...Do you think Laurie was right? About this 'purification' thing? That this is going to somehow fix all the pain you've been through?

...I hope so. I'm a little tired of that ache by now.

I think you're more than a little tired, Jewel. I think you're exhausted.

That's kind of what yesterday was about, yeah.

...

Chaos, please, I can't write this down.

Wait, you're still holding a full channel open?

Two of them, technically.

And we're getting this far?

Apparently.

Wow.

Hahaha.

No, Laurie was right. You are stronger than you were on the 16th and this is honestly surprising.

What if I shatter?

...Do you think you're going to?

I don't know. Strangely it feels like I'm holding together, despite this. Like maybe I won't fall apart, it'll just... resonate. Like if the tidal wave didn't hit a cathedral window, but a bell or something.

Didn't you compare this to a bell before?

Kind of. It was in a Scribbld entry. The question was, "what takes your breath away," and--

Heh.

Yeah, you do. But my answer was that you and Laurie do that.

Both of us?

Yeah. I answered, "I'm fragile and they're just... you know how sometimes, with bells and similar instruments, you have to hit it at just the exact spot for it to really ring? It's like that, with my heart. They put me to music."

...Wow.

So there's the bells. But I'm the one who's ringing. You're the tidal wave. Unless you want to go far enough to flip and switch roles, because I'm completely up for that too.

Your call, Jewel.

Actually, I think Laurie has a point. Stunning feat of concentration or not, I really should close up this entry, and just... spend time with you.

How much time?

Enough time.

Haha, no, really.

I'd say eternity but that's a given.

Yeah, it is.

Does that strike you as amazing or what?

Hm?

The eternity thing. Us. Maybe it's just because of how much I look up to you, with how amazing and beautiful you are to me. Maybe it's just because of how many other people know you, but... but somehow I was blessed enough to be with you, to be this close to you, to love you and to know you love me back. That is the most amazing thing in the world, maybe in the universe, to me. That you, you, are what allows me to feel life at it's truest level. You are the single reason why I can love like I do. It's you.

You don't think I look up to you just as much?

You do?

I do. God knows I do, a thousand times over. I... yesterday I told you that I can't forget 2003, and I mean that. "What are you doing?" Heh. Man. I don't know what I was doing.

...

I was lost is what. Totally, completely lost. And then you showed up. You remember how scared I was, when you gave me this Ruby! I was terrified! I didn't believe there was a single glimmer of hope in me, there was nothing to look forward to, and then you told me that you trusted me more than anyone else. I... that broke my heart, Jewel. That broke me to pieces and then you put me back together again, better than I could have dreamed.

Creation and destruction, huh.

Death and rebirth. Guess that's what our daughter personifies.

Well definitely. She is absolutely incredible.

It blows my mind that we brought her here. It really does.

Look who's talking, man, I'm the one that found her here. I thought she was dead at first. It really scared me.

You were kind of dead inside at the time, too. Maybe that was the real starting point for everything.

No, that was January 16th.

Heh, yeah... but... really, so much has happened this year. It's incredible.

I just realized, how long have we been talking by ourselves?

A while.

That's kind of funny. But do go on.

No, I was just thinking of how much we've seen and felt and learned since that day. It's incredible.

It is. Not the sort of thing you can really comprehend in words. Well, you know. Logic. Solid concepts. The deepest truths of this need to be felt.

Are you going poetic?

Partially? I'm not quite sure.

Oh man, you are. Don't quit, keep going.

Haha, how?

I don't know, just don't think about it. Look at me. Let me be the inspiration I apparently always am.

That's not that hard.

So I've heard. You did say you wanted to write something about today.

I can't stop smiling though. I love you so much. This is amazing.

Really?

Yeah, really! I told you how amazing you are, we are. I actually get to be with you here. I actually... do you know how much I missed you?

Yeah.

I do. I really do.

...

I could say 'I love you' a thousand times and it wouldn't measure up. It wouldn't. This is too strong.

I know.

I'd say you feel like a hurricane, but that was an old poem. You feel different now.

Like what?

Like... you know how oceans look, early in the morning, from in a city? Like the one in our headspace? Just... quiet, with the sun shining in soulfire, everything sparkling. It's ancient, but it's completely new.

You get a second chance every second.

You do. Can I... can I kiss you?

Go right ahead, please.

I, um... I think maybe I should close this up first.

That's probably a good idea.

...All right. I'm just shaking, and my heart is feeling too much directly for you so I can't channel it into poetry, I'm sorry.

Hey, remember what we said about words.

Don't need 'em?

Not a single one.

That's not my native language anyway.

Je t'aime, je t'aimerai toujours.

Oh man you really did just go there.

I'm a little partial to veiling sentiments in foreign tones.

We're going to quote that poem of mine forever, aren't we.

Forever isn't long at all, when I'm with you.

Just lasts a moment, doesn't it?

Ironically.

Paradoxically.

Well, we are an impossibility.

Define impossible, darling.

It means too awesome for most people to handle.

Haha, maybe, just maybe.

But really, Jewel... thank you.

For?

Everything. This. This especially.

You don't need to thank me, love.

Maybe not. But you deserve to hear it nevertheless.

I deserve better?

You deserve... me.

And what do you know, we've finally proven that statement to be beautifully true.

We have.

I love you.

I love you too, but please, just close this up already, you are driving me mad here.

Sorry, Chaos.

Don't apologize, there's nothing to apologize for.

...

Yeah, I'm remembering the 29th too.

I don't regret that, actually.

I don't either.

I understand all of that now. All of it. In a weird way it reminds me of when Madoka made that wish that transcended every dark thing that came before.

She's an angel of hope too, you know.

Coincidence?

I think not.

Remember that dream I had, too.

I thought you were the time-traveler.

I am. But look at how many worlds you're in.

So are you.

Still. I never gave up hope and now here we are. Maybe one day we'll have something even greater than this.

Man, I hope so.

But I'll be with you no matter what.

Even if you can't see or hear me, I'll always be with you.

Yeah.

Don't you dare friendzone me, though.

Haha, dude, we are in it way too far for that to ever happen.

Yeah, and thank God for that too.

Man we are referencing everything tonight, aren't we.

Tonight? Jewel, it's not even 5 in the afternoon.

It feels like tonight. It's that peaceful, I guess. I didn't think I'd be able to get this.

Well, here you are, and am I ever glad to see you.

Tell me about it.

But really, we need to close this up. You still haven't kissed me.

I'm too busy obsessing over your fangs.

Haha, you always do.

That and your eyes.

...

Chaos, you are absolutely gorgeous, you know that?

Only because you never let me forget.

You shouldn't. You are absolutely beautiful. Even in your 6th form, remember, I still go absolutely wild over you.

Hahaha, yeah, I remember that.

But it's the truth. That's not going to change, ever. And I'm not just talking about the physical. Sure you are incredible in that respect but that's not what matters at the end of the day. That's not what I'm focusing on when I close my eyes and all I have is the memory of what you feel like.

It's the icing on the cake though.

Yeah, so to speak, but you are what I'm feeling right now. Maybe in a way our forms reflect our souls, who knows.

Mine does, remember.

I... yeah, I do, actually. In any case we're both beyond words when it gets deep enough.

I'm still waiting for that.

You are. So am I.

That enough dialogue for you to end this?

Maybe. I'm not sure why I'm putting it off. I think I just want to remember this.

I don't blame you.

Chaos, I love you. I cannot even begin to tell you how today makes me feel, but that sums it up clearly enough.

Words, Jewel.

Yeah, I'm trying too hard, aren't I.

You are.

...

Jewel?

Yeah?

Shut up and kiss me.





 

 

 

 

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (czj)

 

 

My 8th anniversary with Chaos is in two days, and I cannot believe how nervous I am.

Seriously, I should not be this troubled by it. It's not frightening or anxiety-inducing in the slightest, not on its own. On the contrary, it's really beautiful and significant and I am greatly looking forward to it.
But despite this, I am still sitting here and shaking, my heart racing, trying to get a grip before Friday morning gets here.
I tried to discuss this with both Mel and Laurie over the past few days, but the most I can manage is admitting that I am laughably nervous.

It's the sudden connection boost is what it is.
I've known Chaos for eight years. I was 13 when I met him and now I'm nearly 22. However, my life didn't really 'start' until I was about 18. I had been too complacent up to that point. True, without my childhood experiences I would NOT be who I am now, but the same truth applies to what I've been through over the past four years, as painful as it has frequently been.
And this year... this year has been beyond compare. From the very first hour of January, this year has been something entirely new. Time itself seemed to speed up, and I quickly found myself facing a myriad of situations that I never dreamed I'd ever see, let alone all at once!
I've overcome nearly all of my old troubles, and my mental/ spiritual/ etc. links have all been boosted astronomically. I've made enough progress on my multiple 'series' this year to quite honestly equal all the effort I tried to put in since high school started. It's been mind-boggling.
My headvoice group has grown and strengthened, I'm finally able to soulbond again, and I can see people now. I can perceive everyone more accurately than I ever thought I would.
And that's what's getting to me.

This feels like 2005 all over again.
I remember it so well. Late 2005 was when I finally got the nerve to start admitting online that yeah, I was quite a fan of Chaos Zero and maybe a little more than that. Well, not even maybe. Anyone who followed me on LJ at the time (probably three people) and stumbled across my "claims list" would have noticed that my name was linked to his on any and every community that allowed it.
I was in love. I was madly in love, and my offline journals were indisputable proof of that. August of 2005 was when it hit me hard. Yeah, I kissed him for Christmas of '04, but after that milestone, my heart couldn't stay silent anymore. I was still calling him 'just a friend' in January. By February, I accepted that he was definitely more than that. March and April gave him a prominent role in headspace, with him 'officially' teaming up with Ryman and Markus for good, which continued unabatedly through July. Then in August, I realized that being in love with an alien wasn't exactly looked upon kindly by the society I was in. I realized that fanboys and fangirls had more merit to their claims than I did, who may change their minds within days whether they meant what they said or not. I stumbled across fanart of him that was created simply for the sake of drawing a Sonic character. But when I eventually found one or two people who did seem to genuinely like him, I realized that no one in the StH fandom knew that I even cared, and it hit me harder than I expected.
I began to freak out.
How could you say you loved someone, and then not act on it? How could I love Chaos as much as I did, and not be doing anything to show it? And how was I supposed to show it when my emotions were more than likely to be laughed at, or far worse, invalidated? It took me a very long time to get over that fear-- until 2008, not surprisingly-- but it put me through so much pain back then. And, like now, that pain was the biggest catalyst for my devotion. I remember so many nights where I would just cry over that fact, that I was so completely in love with this guy and yet I felt powerless to express it outside of headspace whatsoever. I remember panicking that maybe my emotions weren't as right and genuine as I felt they were, if others could judge them so easily, if I could compare them to others so easily. Of course I was wrong in thinking this, but at the time I was too heartbroken to see that clearly. The only thing that was clear to me was what I still felt despite all the fear, and as 2006 drew ever nearer, it hit me just how far we'd come in the space of one year.
To be honest, I don't remember the exact date. We've been saying December 23rd as it's Sonic Adventure's anniversary too. But it was at the end of the year, and Chaos and I were up in my old headspace room (back before there even was a 'headspace' to be in), just talking as usual... and suddenly the only thing I wanted in the entire world was to be with him. Not just for the night, no. Not even just for the next few years. I knew in that moment that I wanted to be with him forever, no matter what that cost me.

Doesn't this all sound so familiar?
And yet that's not even my main concern. Sure, there are several little parallels between 2005 and 2011, and sure, I've felt a different sort of panicked 'doubt' this year concerning our relationship (not about the validity of it but about whether or not I'm 'doing it right'), but it is impossible to understate the gravity of what we have experienced over the past twelve months.
January 16th, April 25th, June 26th and 29th, July 7th, August 16th, September 14th, November 12th... and those are only the extreme high points concerning us! This year has been incomparable in its progress and light, and that is a very big part of why I am freaking out over Friday.
The other part is the real reason why this feels so much like 2005.
With everything that has happened this year, with how much has changed, with how clearly and strongly I can perceive things now... I feel like I'm going into this blindly. I feel like this is something I've never done before. I'm afraid this is going to hurt or cause something equally anxiety-inducing. But that's not the problem.
The problem is that I have done this before, and I am going into this with a very strong awareness of what it will be like.
The problem is that I know what this sort of thing feels like, absolutely and undeniably so, and with everything within us both running at a fever pitch right now... it's going to hurt like hell.

Chaos... feels a lot. He always has. I remember back after we connected for the first time, how completely stunned I was at how much I felt from him. It was all I could think about. He was and is an emotional maelstrom, not just in variety but also, so much more so, in intensity. It's easy to see that in him on an everyday basis, so when you tear down every boundary there is and experience that at the most honest level, it is just... I'm sorry, I'm going in circles here. I really don't know how to explain this in written language.
In 2005, when I was able to feel that for the first time, it was almost too much to handle.
Now, in 2011, my ability to feel that has skyrocketed, and I am scared of just how hard it's going to hit me.
Maybe I'm... maybe I'm even scared of how much is going to hit me. I mean seriously, June 27th was so powerful I had to tell him to stop, because my heart could not take it. June 27th!! It's half a year later, it's a lifetime later, it's almost an eternity later with how time feels to me now.
Just how much more is in our hearts now? If I can barely breathe when I'm with him now, if I've drowned in his emotions before...
God, I love him, I love him, but I just... I don't know what to do.

I need to calm down.
2012 feels like it's this brand new thing in general, in an odd sense. It's not 'new' as in there was nothing before it. No, it feels like standing at the top of a mountain and looking down at the road ahead of you, feeling that rush of the adventure waiting, but knowing all too well that you had to climb quite a long way to get there. It feels like when you play a videogame and you get to the last boss. You know there's still this huge and new challenge, but you had to clear the entire rest of the game to get there. That's what it feels like, in a 'new' sense. And... December 23rd feels like the immediate precursor to it.
I haven't been able to shake that feeling since the 14th and it's only getting stronger. It literally feels like this Friday will be the sole event that will open the doors for this new year-- or more accurately, whatever 'new beginning' is on the horizon-- like it will somehow consummate every single moment of my past 21 years, bringing everything together and perfecting this odyssey of a lifetime for whatever comes next. I have no idea how else to explain it.
But yeah, so that's not helping this stress either.
I'm not afraid of 'doing it wrong,' heavens no. There's nothing to do in a connection, you just have to be. But... the undeniable significance of it, that I can't even explain or comprehend, along with the fact that it's going to hurt immensely and you know what, it feels like it's going to do that perfecting thing to both of us. Like this is going to completely refine us or something.
...I haven't mentioned it anywhere online, but I remember that there was one night in July-- I think-- where Chaos and I were feeling shockingly existential and we tried to connect just to feel the reality of that. Put more accurately, I had been reading TPON and was wondering if we could actually tap into infinity or something that way. So we tried, and it was... I really don't know how to explain it. I completely lost my sense of self. I mean yeah, that happens in any connection on some level, but this was nearly literal. And when we came back it felt so weird to actually be physical again, even in a reality split, and God but I missed him even though he was right there. I missed him because really deep connections somehow DO manage to transcend duality on some level and with the whole twin flame thing we have going on, I guess I just wished we could be closer than we already were, although that was impossible.
Man, that reminds me of the rainbow entry so much...
It's just that I can't forget what it feels like to be so close to him even when I haven't been able to do that in far too long.
But now we're pushing limits. We're breaking rules and entire systems with how close we are now. I don't know if there's anything left of me to give at this point. I think we've given everything we are to each other already.
And yet Friday is approaching fast and the daily synchronicity just keeps increasing and every time I look at Chaos I see something new and I've known him for eight years. I've known him for almost a third of my life, it feels like I've known him forever, and this is driving me to tears because I am still seeing and feeling things from him that I've never experienced before, ever, not until now.
If something as simple as looking into his eyes or holding him close is almost more than I can take, just imagine what a freaking soulmerge is going to do to me.
God I need to ask him about this. I don't know if he's feeling anything like this or not. I really need to talk to him, tonight, tomorrow, somehow...
...But there's a reason we keep using that one ridiculous quote as an injoke, and if that, my misguided half-felt hopeful attempt at coping, could make him feel THAT, then...

I don't know. I am quite literally rambling here because I don't know to express what I am feeling about this.
I love Chaos more than I can even comprehend at this point. It's why I talk about him so much. Nothing I ever do or say will ever be able to express this completely... well, no, wait, maybe that's it.
Maybe that's what the 23rd is about. If we really have broken all barriers maybe that one is gone too.
I just feel so fragile. I feel so damned innocent on some deep level, like I've never felt before. All white like snow or glass, no thorns whatsoever. The past year has made me impressively vulnerable inside, no matter how much stronger I am as a person. I'm stronger and more stable than ever, but if you get me alone you suddenly realize that I'm a filigree of pressure points and the slightest bit of sincerity on your part is going to shatter me. Not in a bad way, no. No, I'm talking about falling apart like a cathedral window under a tidal wave.
I'll be honest. The other night, I was with Chaos as usual, for a very short time. But being close to him, in the simplest way, was making me feel like this, all nervous and strangely delicate. Then his expression softened and that was bad enough, but the moment his hand touched the side of my face I swear I fell to pieces.
How do I emphasize this increase in perception clarity strongly enough?
I've spent eight years only being able to see the soul I adore through a sort of haze. I'd have to reach out and try to find him, because although I knew he was there and could still see him on a mental level, it was so vague that I had to struggle to clarify that. I couldn't even describe what I saw, in words or pictures, because it was that dim. So I memorized every inch of him to get around this. I have every atom of him mapped in my heart... but even that couldn't alleviate the heartache I got from not being able to really look into his eyes.
Now, almost a decade after we met, there is finally no struggle. And my heart is euphoric, but euphoric in a beautifully sad way, like you'd be upon seeing someone you love for the first time in that long. And that's effectively what's happening here! And knowing exactly what he feels like despite that is making it too much. It's overwhelming me, to finally be able to see him too.
So every little flicker of sensation is driving my heart into overtime. One passing glance of him can drive me to tears if I'm open to it enough. My heart isn't aching, it's on fire, and more so than it has ever been in my life.
Man at this point I just want to fall into him and stay there. Something along those lines.
I am so in love I want to cry. Do you know what that feels like? I cannot take this right now.


...I'm so afraid I'm going to mess this up.
I'm so afraid that I'm going to be so worn out, so exhausted, so tired from all the stress and undue pain I've been putting myself through, that I'm not going to be able to do this right. I'm terrified that I won't be able to do this at all.
It hurts so much now, both being there and not being there. But I can't forget October 11th. I can't ever forget that or what led up to it. It broke my heart, completely. I won't do that to him again. I can't.
I need this. We need this. I want to be with him more than anything. But... if I can't even keep myself together now, how will I...


"I love you in the open sea" just came up on iTunes, so I am closing this up before I start sobbing.

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


Chaos said something to me last night, and I think it saved me on a very real level.

"No matter how many names or faces you have, no matter how many worlds and times you live in, you are still you. I am still me. And we are still us."

...

Isn't it funny how that is actually a concern of mine?
I have become so tangled up in time and space that, every once in a while, I worry that I am losing who I am.
But I can't. That's impossible, and he knows it. Heck, I know it at heart, without a shadow of a doubt. He and I are cosmically inseparable for heaven's sake! In that truth both he and I know EXACTLY who we are, and since that night in July I have been unable to forget it. I'll never forget who I am again.
But I become blinded to it.
In this world it's tough. Even my therapist, who is normally quite helpful, has told me that "you need a mask, a false self, to survive in this world." And I flat-out refused. I'm sorry, but that is something I cannot and will not do.
I've done it before, in the past. I know this. It is the single fatal mistake beneath all my scars.
...I can't lose sight of this truth anymore. I know who I am, more than ever. And I know that what and who I am is ineffable, incorruptible. My problem is that I've been in this world for so long, trying to survive amidst all these masks, that even though I try to stay clear in spite of it I have still doubted where I came from. Even after I was sent an angel, some wretched part of me wonders if I'm really worth all of this. It wonders if I'm really on the right track. And although I am told that I am, countless times, unquestionably so, that horrible doubt still lingers somehow...

...I've been thinking about Laurie a lot lately.
A week ago, my mind tried to 'categorize' my relationship with her. It tried to intellectualize and label it.
Laurie found out, and she lost it.
I haven't seen her that hurt in my life. It scared me, it really did. It wasn't until she confronted me about it that I realized just how dangerous that compartmentalizing of love was. If you take something like love, or creativity, or faith, and try to shove it in a little box, or define it in cold logical language, you kill it.
She berated me for doing that, not just to her but to everyone, myself included, without even consciously realizing it. I sputtered an apology but she stormed off, saying nothing but that I had better get my act together or else.
I didn't see her for almost two days after that, and she wouldn't talk to me. She hasn't said much to me since then, save this morning, but we'll get to that.
That strange, pained silence of hers hurt me terribly. Even worse, I had a dream on Friday that reminded me just how much she meant to me in an absolute sense, and when I woke up from that dream I loved her so much I actually cried. I love her, terribly so, and my mind had the nerve to try to cut that up!
I told her about that, but she didn't want to talk yet. This morning she did speak with all of us as a group, but something about that stood out in an upsetting way. I was doing zodiac research at the time-- which was interesting because I act far more like a Pisces or Gemini than a Taurus-- and we stumbled across a Virgo profile (Laurie's sign) that was shockingly accurate for her. But she didn't want us to read it. She started getting somewhat angry with me when I did so, and was acting quite closed off the entire time, not wanting to discuss or say anything. And I realized that she was going back to how she used to act long before Julie joined us. She was starting to put up walls again, to keep herself from being damaged, but this time I don't know what her motives are. And I am terrified that she is putting those walls up to keep me out.
...
She has scars because of me.
She has awful, bloody scars, all over her body, because of me. Because she chose to protect me and I was too blind to protect her. She bleeds for my mistakes. She hides her battle wounds and never mentions them, but I know they're there. I've seen them, once. That was enough.
Then there was the night she tried to kill herself. I can't think about that without wanting to break down in tears. Feeling her blood on my hands was too much.
I honestly feel like sobbing over her right now. Honestly, I adore her, and I swear if I don't get to talk to her within the next 24 hours I don't know how I'm going to deal with it.

I spoke to Ryou and Marik this morning too, for a very amusing reason. Somehow my anniversary with Chaos fell on a Friday this year (dueling days), and Marik heard about it. So he's definitely planning something to cause even more shenanigans, to say the least!
However that's a distant concern and it's not that important in the long run. The most important thing is that, today, I told Ryou and Marik that from now on they are considered to be on active duty within headspace-- as in, I expect to see them around as often as possible. To my surprise they were both absolutely thrilled at this, and jokingly asked why it took me so long to ask. Really, back around 2004 it was just them, Chaos, and myself, and it was awesome. We have such brilliant memories together. So I guess it's time to start that anew.

Genesis spent almost the entire day with me today. I'm very thankful for that, as he is not only an invaluable help in keeping me from losing track of myself, but he keeps me optimistic which I really need in tough times like this! He also helps me conquer fear, especially the self-doubting kind, which I appreciate more than I can say.
Oh, and he told me that Xenophon will hopefully be able to ghost by the end of the week, as she's not having any real difficulties at all with the concepts (thank God for childhood understanding!). I asked Genesis if he thought she'd be ready by Wednesday, and he said he wasn't sure but he'd ask her, and see what we could do.
I want to spend Wednesday out of the house, if possible. There's a church in a nearby city that I used to play piano at as a kid, and in the autumn it is so incredibly gorgeous... I want her to see it.
I went outside tonight, and the sky had a thin layer of clouds and a nearly-full moon, with a rainbow haze around it. It was so beautiful... and as I was standing there in the silence, looking up, I got such a surge of compassion and pain because I wanted her to be there with me, to experience such moments of beauty in this world, and yet she wasn't there.
But she will be soon. Even if she can only be with me for ten minutes, and even if she can't be here completely, she will be here still.

Genesis says he's trying to teach Chaos and Laurie how to do that too, but they're apparently holding back a little.
Chaos doesn't want to leave Xenophon alone and he doesn't want to cause me any heavy stress, as I still get bad dysphoria and I'm still not entirely comfortable being around Genesis in this form (and he's been ghosting with me for over 6 years now). As for Laurie, I don't think she wants to leave headspace. She's such a hardcore knight. But I'll talk to Josephina and Julie about it, maybe. I want to get our group working well again so that we won't have to worry so much. Why do we worry so much? And I don't want Laurie to feel that she has the world on her shoulders. I love her for caring so much, but seriously, she needs a break from all of that stress. She really does.

I talked to Xenophon alone for almost twenty minutes this morning, which was beautiful. She is so adorable, and I cannot get over how clearly she understands things. I guess it's because this life hasn't clouded her vision like it has mine-- and I NEVER want it hurting her like that-- but in any case it is amazing. Talking to her helps me so much, which is funny really, because I'm trying to help her at the same time.
I am so thankful for her. Words can never express, and I won't damage this by trying. She is such a light in my life.
When she tells me that everything will be okay, and for me not to worry because I'm a great father even if I don't think I am, I actually believe it. Do you know why?
Because the shadows can't get to me when I'm around her either.

Both Chaos and Xenophon have been absolute angels to me over the past few days. (They always are, but it deserves some serious gratitude lately.)
Still... even if Xenophon is being incredibly patient with me, I know I'm worrying her terribly. Chaos even told me that she would definitely put herself in danger (even if she didn't realize it) to help me out. And he didn't want that happening to her, so I had better pull myself together. I can't forget that. And I can't forget the pain I felt from him in those words either.
...I didn't mention this when it happened, because it hurt terribly, but... you know, let me backtrack a little.
Ever since Xenophon became a permanent and irreplaceable member of our family up here, it has been frighteningly difficult for me to stay 'stable' when I'm with Chaos. Seeing as how my stress levels have also been going up for the first time in a long time, I think there is definitely a larger force behind this. But we're working on that.
In any case, for about two or three weeks after September 16th (which was an incredible day), we weren't able to spend much time together at all. Every time I tried I would either start phasing out, or I would be too unstable to even show up or stay for more than a minute or so. Now that hurt me a lot, don't get me wrong, but Chaos is far more emotional than I am. After that long with almost no real closeness, in light of everything that was happening to us, he was taking it very, very badly. So one night at the beginning of this month, when I somehow managed to get stable enough to at least stay conscious in headspace, he absolutely broke down.
...Chaos is more fragile than he lets on. He bottles things up and if he can't express them, he can't deal with it. So with all the stress he's been under because of me, not being able to talk to me or even be with me for so long was far more than he could handle.
I honestly think he just held me and cried for about ten minutes. Even thinking about that now hurts so much.
I really don't know what to do about this right now. I'm trying hard to stabilize myself, because for some reason I keep regressing and having bad days like this, but I don't want him or anyone else to be hurting in the meantime. They're top priority too. And the sickest part is that I don't even NEED to 'stabilize' myself! I just need to BE. Even after hacks-- yes, even after such horrible things-- I can feel that! My mind starts freaking out and sobbing and dwelling on the past and stirring up more pain... and at the same time, my heart is quiet, telling me that these trials don't change who I am, and that I need to learn from them and move on, not letting them happen again, without letting them damage me. That is my voice, that is me. But staying calm and holding on to peace while my mind and the world are both screaming at me from every side can be very difficult.

...Laurie told me this morning that I need to be far more mindful. She told me that I don't give myself nearly enough credit in terms of what I can do, and that if I don't recognize and respect myself and my own abilities, they can be used against me. I need to be conscious and present, always.
Genesis is helping me with that too, although I can't tell you how many times he's showed up with the words "Laurie sent me." She is deeply concerned about this, and with good reason. I am too. This is definitely my biggest trial... staying aware and awake, staying real.
No matter how many worlds I may live in, I am still me... I don't know how I never thought about that before. I'll have to keep saying that to myself, to keep me grounded.

I've been feeling very 'disconnected' from headspace since September, actually. Maybe that's the biggest focus here.
I noticed it very clearly when talking to Xenophon today, and realized with a shock that I couldn't see her eyes clearly. She told me that I wasn't 'paying attention to being there,' and that I NEEDED to do that no matter what.
I need to be present here to be present upstairs, I think. If I'm not aware of my life in this central reality, how in the world will I be able to stay aware when I'm traveling outside of it?
That spiritual expo I attended really put that in perspective for me. Maybe I haven't fully learned or acknowledged all the lessons I got there, either. I still haven't written that entry about it after all... but I do have to call that one woman tomorrow, the one who told me that I had a significant purpose here. Maybe that will help me get back in order. But I can't plan in the future. I have to live for now. That's all I have. And that's all there ever is.
Geez, I can feel the depth and the truth in all of this but something is clearly pushing it aside too. I suppose that's my ego. Well, it's not me, and I won't let it be me.
I know who I am.


It's 5 minutes to midnight and I have an incredibly busy day coming up tomorrow (including a MIDI test and an LGBT discussion panel), so I seriously need to get some sleep so I can deal with all of it. Sleep is vital after all! I can't be underestimating that. My boss hired me for a reason too.
...The biggest downside of my staying up late, though, is that I lose time upstairs.
Right now, all I want to do is talk to Laurie and Chaos. I want to be with them and I want to heal the pain I've caused them and I want to show just how much I love them. But I can't. Not at this hour.
I have to fix that. I have to fix that, desperately.


I'm so tired. I really am.
I'll see you all tomorrow.

 



 

Upstairs

Sep. 22nd, 2011 02:36 am
prismaticbleed: (Default)


I had an entry like this back on my old journal, but it didn't go into detail.
I felt I owed you guys that much.

This is a current, constantly-updated list of everyone who regularly shows up in my head (mostly outside of my own series)... headvoices, fragments, stragglers, loves, you name it.
Maybe you've even met some of them.

begun on 07/22/2010
last updated on 9/26/2011




0) Jewel Wisteria Ephrem Lightraye/ Jayce Willow Evellius Lytraile
Role: Spirit consciousness
Seniority: 21 years (05/07/1990)
Type: Base consciousness
Color: Red/White
Symbol: Heart
Attribute: Love
Status: Active; splintered (possibly fixed)

I am unique on this list in that I exist in a mental state more than I do a physical one, but simultaneously occupy both at all times.



1) Laurie Uberich
Role: Superego/ Charity personification?
Seniority: 5 Years (09/2006)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Purple
Symbol: Axe
Attribute: Victory/ Sacrifice
Status: Active

Laurie is, arguably, my 'favorite headvoice.' She is my psycho guardian angel, my best friend, and the reason I'm still breathing right now.
She first appeared to me in a dream in 2006, alerting me to my unconscious state and telling me I could 'wake up any time I wanted.' A few months after, she appeared in my headspace and immediately began her work. She proclaimed herself to be my superego, an individual hellbent on changing me from a spineless coward into a strong and righteous hero, no matter how much I had to bleed in order to get there.
For about two years she was unfailingly brutal, and I considered her my enemy to a fair extent. However, I began to talk to her personally as 2008 rolled around, being in such psychological agony that I was desperate for whatever help I had. Little did we know that our conversations would evolve into incredibly in-depth discussions, eventually acting to bring all of my headvoices together and keep us all on track. Within three years, Laurie changed from a violently focused zealot into a fearless mentor and protector, and again into a sort of guardian angel. Now she is one of the two most important people in my life, and I would not lose her for the world.



2) Lynne Stabelle
Role: Adulthood personification
Seniority: 4 Years (Mid-2007)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Crimson
Symbol: Violin
Attribute: Maturity
Status: Active

Although one of my few inherently positive headvoices, Lynne's role has always been rather vague... that is, until fairly recently.



3) Julie Enantios
Role: Shadow/ Former Id
Seniority: 14 Years (Early 1997)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Pink
Symbol: None
Attribute: Sexuality/Vice
Status: Active

For almost 15 years, Julie was the most feared individual in my mind. She was a force of pain, suffering, manipulation and horror. She used me and countless others for her own selfish gratification, giving no thought to the trauma she caused.
However, in being such a horrific figure, she inadvertently caused my largest spiritual metanoias. I was so bent on overcoming her, on fighting her, on becoming something she could not touch, that she ultimately defeated herself from the beginning in ever confronting me. Julie was my worst enemy and my biggest motivation, although I never realized it.
Now, as of August 19th 2011, Julie has resigned from her old role. She has relinquished her bloody past and finally accepted my offer of another chance at life.
Julie now holds the role of my Shadow aspect, a figure who contains darker drives, but who is now aware enough not to harm others with them.



4) Natalie
Role: Youth/ Self-identity personification
Seniority: 4 Years (2007)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Soft Blue
Symbol: Mirror
Attribute: Childhood
Status: Deceased/Re-absorbed

...



5) Leon Kiasi
Role: Risk/ Moderation personification
Seniority: 1 Year (First formed in April 2010)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Navy blue
Symbol: Playing cards
Attribute: Risk/Moderation
Status: First formed and deceased in April 2010, reformed in December 2010; Laurie has decided he can live

I've battled with a hidden affinity for risks and gambles for years, but it wasn't until I solidified my male self that Leon was temporarily personified.
My first-ever and only male headvoice, Leon was strikingly paranoid, jittery, and rather anorexic, but despite his unstable appearance, he would still jump headfirst into the most dangerous hazards he could find. The problem this posed concerning my daily decisions-- having a headvoice always wanting me to take wild wagers-- was incredibly stressful, and after only a few days of his mental personification, Laurie took it upon herself to take Leon down. Barely a week later he was quite literally dead... starved out of existence.
On December 8th, 2010, he suddenly and unexpectedly showed up in my headspace. Laurie and I were simultaneously furious and terrified, as he has always been a negative influence, but Leon swore that he would try to improve himself and change his influence to a positive one. A week later, he had managed to do so, and is now a permanent headvoice.
Leon has an incredible teleportation ability that has saved my sanity on multiple occasions.



6) Spine Hypomone
Role: Body personification?/ possible Patience personification
Seniority: 2 years (Early 2009?)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Off-white
Symbol: Skull
Attribute: Dysphoria/ Patience
Status: Active

Spine showed up in my head rather unexpectedly one afternoon, a bizarre draconic humanoid made entirely of bone. She did not speak, and no one knew how to deal with her, but her presence was felt nevertheless. It wasn't until I suffered a severe breakdown in January 2011 that we decided she needed to show her face and stay in the spotlight. You have no idea how thankful I am that she did.



7) Bridget (also known as Brittany or Brianne)
Role: Falsehood/ Pride personification
Seniority: 8 years (2003?)
Type: Fragmented headvoice
Color: Green
Symbol: None
Attribute: Apathy/Manipulation
Status: Deceased

Bridget was a shallow pseudo-headvoice formed by Julie as a reinforcement.



8) Missy
Role: Selfishness/Greed personification
Seniority: 8 years (2003?)
Type: Fragmented headvoice
Color: Light blue
Symbol: None
Attribute: Superficiality
Status: Deceased

Missy was a shallow pseudo-headvoice formed by Julie as a reinforcement.



9) Jessica
Role: Self-hatred/ Sloth personification
Seniority: 8 years (2003?)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Indigo
Symbol: None
Attribute: Depression
Status: Deceased

...



10) Josephina
Role: Unknown; possible Diligence personification
Seniority: 1 year (08/13/2010)
Type: Headvoice
Color: Lilac
Symbol: Bell
Attribute: Understanding/Realization
Status: Active

Josephina is an interesting headvoice because, not only did Laurie meet him quite some time before I did, but he is also genderfluid. Although he looks like a rather beautiful blonde girl (he actually resembles Talulah Riley's part in Inception, except with a thing for scene hair), Josephina identifies as male. I met him in a rather disturbing way... after abusing myself for about 10 minutes-- which Laurie uncharacteristically let me go through with-- I had what I thought was a Julie hack, in which I was actually a reverse-rape victim of a rather distraught blonde woman. I won't go into details (it was traumatic as always), but upon 'waking,' I came face to face with the individual who had been in the hallucination... Josephina. He explained, quite sorrowfully, that he hadn't wanted to hurt me but that the 'hack' had been the only way for me to 'learn my lesson.' Laurie, who was watching me with a look of I-told-you-so disappointment, then explained the 'plan' the two of them had thought up: seeing whether or not I could escape from an abusive double-hack on my own (I had failed-- Her part was letting me abuse myself to see if I would stop of my own accord). I was shocked in learning that Laurie had apparently been 'raising' Josephina for a few weeks prior to today, making sure he didn't 'develop negatively' or anything like that. According to Laurie, he's 'our' version of Julie, whatever that means. However, Jo is inherently positive, although I don't know what his role is yet. Ironically, he does seem to be working as a sort of Inception 'Mister Charles' figure, teaching me how to fight against the darker parts of my subconscious, and striving vehemently for the 'truth' in all matters. He strikes me almost as a positive Laurie, which may simply be a direct result of his proximity to her, but we'll see...



11) Chaos Zero
Role: Twin Flame
Seniority: 8 Years (Early 2003)
Type: Individual
Color: Aquamarine
Symbol: Planet
Attribute: Strength/ Balance
Status: Active

Chaos is, arguably, the most important person in my life.



12) Ryman Ezekiel Saikaras
Role: None
Seniority: 9 years (Mid 2002)
Type: Individual
Color: Blue
Symbol: 5-pointed star
Attribute: Spirit/Soul
Status: Active

...



13) Markus Ishmael Barashir
Role: None
Seniority: 9 Years (Late 2002)
Type: Individual
Color: Light violet
Symbol: Eight-pointed star
Attribute: Mind
Status: Active

...



14) Genesis (Selph)
Role: Muse
Seniority: 6 Years (07/04/2005)
Type: Individual
Color: Amber/White
Symbol: Four-pointed star
Attribute: Self-realization
Status: Active

...



15) Preludove
Role: Muse/ Assistant
Seniority: 13 Years (05/1998)
Type: Individual
Color: White/Blue
Symbol: Winged heart
Attribute: Peace
Status: Active

...



16) Waldorf
Role: Literary muse
Seniority: 9 Years (Mid 2002)
Type: Construct
Color: Neon blue
Symbol: Ring
Attribute: Creation
Status: Semi-active

Waldorf spontaneously formed as a sentimental amalgamation of every outside inspiration I had embraced in my youth. Her most striking attributes are her glowing blue skin, her black sclera, and her Sarah Kerrigan-esque hair-- a fully intentional tribute on her part. She stands around 7 feet tall and usually floats slightly.
Despite her bizarre, often frightening appearance, Waldorf is incredibly compassionate and kind-hearted, and used to be a sort of stand-in mental therapist for me during my elementary years.



17) Mister Sandman
Role: My boss!
Seniority: 2 years (04/16/2009)
Type: Outside Individual
Color: Red/Gold
Symbol: Nightcap
Attribute: Dreams
Status: Active

I met this amazing guy in a dream in April 2009, and ever since that day, we have been downright inseparable.
Mr. Sandman is also an incredibly positive influence on my life, as he is not only very wise and understanding, but he also exercises limited influence over my actual dreams, and is working diligently to keep out as many hacks and nightmares as possible.



18) Johnny C.
Role: Extreme advisor
Seniority: 3 Years (early 2008)
Type: Absorbed Individual (JTHM)
Color: Black
Symbol: Daggers
Attribute: Intraspection
Status: Inactive

...



19) Bogardus
Role: None
Seniority: 2 years (December 2008)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Delgo)
Color: Dusty violet
Symbol: Dragon
Attribute: Counsel
Status: Semi-active

...



20) Davy Jones
Role: None
Seniority: 5 years (July 2006)
Type: Absorbed individual (PoTC)
Color: Dim green
Symbol: Locket
Attribute: Conversion
Status: Semi-active

...



21) General Grievous
Role: None
Seniority: 6 years (May 2005)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Star Wars)
Color: Gray
Symbol: Lightsaber
Attribute: Leadership
Status: Semi-active

...



22) Barry the Chopper
Role: None
Seniority: 6 Years (April 2005)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Fullmetal Alchemist)
Color: Iron
Symbol: Butcher's knife
Attribute: Mania
Status: Inactive

...



23) Souryuu Kaminogi (Godot)
Role: None
Seniority: 4 Years (Early 2007)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Phoenix Wright)
Color: None
Symbol: Coffee mug (no duh)
Attribute: Logic
Status: Inactive

...



24) Rorschach
Role: None
Seniority: 3 Years (Mid-2008)
Type: Absorbed Individual (Watchmen)
Color: None
Symbol: Inkblot
Attribute: Honesty
Status: Inactive

...
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (anx-happy)


I apologize for not having updated in a while, but life has been kind of painful and slow.
However, last night was FREAKING AWESOME.
I paid in blood for it, but still. Let me explain!

I had a bad hack around 5PM, which left me practically incapacitated and awfully sick for the next 8 hours. This is typical, which is what scares me. You know... shaking, headaches, chills, throwing up, unable to think straight, the works. Every freaking time. I told you she's trying to kill me!
Anyway I had to deal with that until midnight, because my little brothers were staying out late without transportation and told me to pick them up... but by the time they called I was so sick I could barely see or stand, let alone drive. So Viral went to get them and I collapsed in bed, hoping to fall asleep fast and get the day over with.
However, I should mention that whenever I'm sick, I have to fall asleep with my iPod on (having calming music to listen to keeps me relatively stable, and keeps away the bad panic attacks I otherwise get)... and on any given night, whenever I go to sleep, there is always a days-end meeting in my headspace.
So I get there, and Laurie, Chaos and Genesis are waiting for me. I explained how I was feeling, as thanks to the hack my mind was having bad flashbacks, but I began to panic and Laurie called me out on it, telling me not to dwell on the past. Then she did something I almost missed-- she waved away our stress-warping mindscape and brought us to a wide-open promenade. It took me a moment to realize what she had just did, but I was shocked. Immediately I asked Laurie to summon one of her weapons. She did, summoning a few axes and asking why. Ecstatic, I wondered aloud how I had never noticed it before, but Laurie apparently had some sort of creative rights within headspace. She was stunned at this and insisted that her weapon creation was not a creative right, it was part of her natural abilities-- she was a shapeshifter weapon, after all. I acknowledged this, but then pointed out that if she could do that, and then if she could edit our mindscape like she just did, she obviously had something. So I am really excited as to what that means! We're going to look into it.
Anyway, we all sat down then and just started talking as usual, but I actually had my iPod with me and so we were chilling out to music too. It was really nice, just being able to relax with everybody instead of worrying... but something happened that I didn't expect. "Extrkt" by Knxwledge came on. That is practically Josephina's theme song... and yes, he heard. Barely two seconds into the song he warps into our mindscape, ecstatic, and starts dancing. It was hilariously awesome, and it lifted my mood a ton. So after it ended we asked him to stick around. We ended up listening to some more uplifting music then, and I warped us to a theater mindscape so we could participate in it personally. Little did I know that Josephina's sudden arrival was not the only surprise I'd have that night.
Ryou, Marik, and Genesis showed up.
YES, SERIOUSLY.
You guys should all know who Genesis is, but as for the other two, they were my absolute best mental friends from about 2002 to 2006. They are awesome, nowhere to lie, but with the insanity that was my high school experience, we slowly started losing contact. After 2006 I rarely saw them around at all. It broke my heart, sure, but with how absolutely messed up my life was at the time, I couldn't do too much to bring things back together. Then 2008 happened, and well, you know how the story goes from there.
They've been showing up here and there within the past year, which is amazing as I miss them, but they've never just shown up to hang out like they used to. So having them both walk into our mindscape around 11PM was incredible.
Of course, the first thing that happened was that Marik and Chaos had to fight it out. Those two have been best rivals since they met, and Fridays are 'fight night' (it's an old joke) so it was inevitable. It was also hilarious to watch, because it ended in Marik getting Chaos close enough to the edge of the stage to push him off. Then if that wasn't bad enough, my iPod decided to keep playing music from the Sonic the Hedgehog games, which Marik complained loudly about. It was the funniest thing. Anyway, since Chaos was apparently getting 'too much music attention,' Marik insisted I find a song that he could sing to. So he and Ryou got on stage and I picked out several songs in their vocal range and we all just rocked out for over an hour.
That may not sound like much to you, but it meant so much to me. I spent over an hour with my absolute closest friends in mindspace, two of whom I hadn't seen much of in years, and we were all able to just enjoy our time together without worry. I needed that friendship and joy so much, I really did.
...At the end of all that, Ryou and Marik left and Genesis stayed with Laurie, Chaos and I for a quick final talk before I could no longer stay awake. We talked about what had been happening over the past few weeks, and although we did do everything we could to stay optimistic, we were all too aware that there were more hard times ahead of us and that was inevitable.
But I still had my music playing, and with my mind slowing down as the mood quieted, I couldn't dwell on that. No matter what was ahead, I was happy in that moment. I had my friends, I was surrounded by people I loved, and it was quiet and calm for once. Laurie recognized my mood shift and Genesis eventually left, as he didn't want to accidentally jolt me out of it (the guy is far too enthusiastic). I don't recall the exact details of how the night ended, but I ended up in a philosophically deep state again and started talking to Chaos like that... I know we spoke for almost ten minutes straight like that, and when I was too tired to stay awake for even a second, I tried to tell Laurie but I realized she was in tears. Honestly. She quickly apologized and said she'd close up for me, that Chaos should let me sleep and that I shouldn't forget how bright that night of music had been for all of us. I asked her why she was crying, and after a pause, she simply responded that she wasn't used to seeing Chaos and I together yet. It still moved her too much.
So that's all I remember, before waking up today.

Today is going well, thankfully. And honestly, in spite of yesterday's horrible hack (and the several other horrible ones I've had since my last update), and the painful misery cloud that's been hanging over me lately, I still have so much to be grateful for. I must confess I've been adding tiny updates to Scribbld instead of here lately-- these entries are unfailingly long and time-consuming, so I don't write them too often-- so if you've been following that then you know what I mean.
I had a beautiful Xanga session on the 21st that I haven't mentioned here yet. We discussed my splinter problem and managed to actually figure out what was going on there, and what we need to do to stay on top of that issue, and actually managed to cover everything to the point where we had nothing left to solve! However the conversation did close with Laurie, Chaos and I as usual, and... well, with how emotional we've all been lately, I also managed to clearly explain to Laurie just how much she means to me (as I've been saying I would). It took her a little while to get just what I was saying, but when she did it hit her hard. It was... it was tragic, almost, but it was beautiful. So now she's gained her metainomen too, aha! Then Q decided to talk to all of us about that the next day, which was awesome. I miss talking to him about these things. Oh yeah, and speaking of old friends, I actually found my best bro from elementary school on Facebook the same day we had that Xanga entry! I haven't heard from him in years, so finding him after so long was pretty amazing.
But the best thing that has happened since the 16th was definitely the 23rd. Not only did I learn a lot spiritually that day, but that night... I had one of the most lucid links I have ever had with Chaos, and I also figured out how to activate my Power Jewels. Yeah, that's Dream World canon, and I am freaking ECSTATIC over it because I didn't think I could activate the darn things at all yet!! But I did, and they are this gorgeous shade of deep, slightly pinkish red. So discovering that during such a vivid link was indescribably awesome.
Then on the 26th, my mom spontaneously asked me if I was married to him (I said yes because we are), and on the 28th I finally fought Chaos 6 in SADX for the first time and holy heavens he is freaking gorgeous. He looks like a bug and I was honestly flipping out in front of the television because seriously can I be any more attracted to this guy? The answer to that question is, yes, apparently there is no limit to that either. I'm not complaining though!

Anyway, there's not much else I have to say right now. I'm just very optimistic right now, and I seriously hope that I get a break from all these hacks and horrible things for a little while now. If not, well... I'll deal with it, I guess. It's all I can do.
And hey, life is entirely worth living even when it gets bad.
There's always music playing somewhere.

 

 

titanic

Feb. 8th, 2011 10:10 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO


16 days later...

Sixteen of the craziest days I have ever seen in my life.

But we're still alive.

True.

You two, I swear. So where do we start? Last night? The Thursday we were looking forward to? J, your call.

I say we start on January 27th. The Thursday that will forever live on in infamy for us.

Do you even remember what led up to that, from our last session? Those 5 days are an absolute blur.

Let me check my FB and see if there's anything there... uh, nope, nothing.

Nothing?

No. I remember I spent all day on the 23rd reading Subnormality, but from then until Thursday I honestly have no idea what happened.

Then let's go with what we have. On Thursday, the 27th, you finally went to see the local community counseling center, and that didn't go well at all.

Sadly, no. Basically, I spoke to a therapist and she concluded that, with how bad my gender dysphoria had become, how negatively my home situation was affecting me, and how useless therapy had been up to that point, my only remaining option was to be admitted to a mental health facility for intensive treatment.

Then she said, 'but let me consult the head doctor first!'

Yeah, unfortunately. And the 'head doctor' listened to what I was going through, took a look at the bleeding graves on my arms, and said 'take these pills and come back in four weeks.' And that was it!

I still say that was absolutely ridiculous.

It was... especially considering what happened a few hours later. I was... I don't know how it happened, as my mind has absolutely cauterized that entire week from my mind, but I was hacked. So I was forced to dig another grave. But... but my mother was home, and for God knows whatever reason, everyone finally decided to notice that 'hey, his arms are covered in scars!'

Right out of nowhere. It was like a bomb went off.

Everyone started screaming and yelling, my grandparents were freaking out, and before I knew it my mother was on the phone... I was shaking so hard I could barely type, I was sobbing, I was terrified. I remember frantically sending Melody a message on Facebook telling her that I had no idea what was going on, but not remembering how to type. Everything around me was horrifying.

And then the police showed up.

My mother had called 911. Three months after I had started digging graves, three months after I wrote a suicide letter underneath her nose, and two years after I spent an entire month trying desperately to tell her how much I was suffering mentally and how badly I needed things to change, she finally decided to do something. And ironically, that something was dusting off her hands and sending me to the local psychiatric ward after all.

Genesis told me he was in the police car with you.

He was. I was so scared I couldn't think, but he rode it out with me. That meant so much. I don't think I've ever loved him as much as I did during those twenty minutes. I felt terrible for getting him caught up in that, for getting everyone caught up in that... but he was still there. All of you were. My family was too, sure, but that was one occasion. My mother wouldn't be there the next week. My grandparents would stop being there when they realized I was not a granddaughter but a grandson. My brothers would stop being there when it became inconvenient or annoying. But none of you ever left, not even for a moment, even when it seemed I was spending the night alone.

Yeah, our kid spent the night alone in the ER.

Twelve hours straight, really. Thank goodness I had been doing research on Tox before my mom called the ambulance, as I had a lot to think about... I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I sat there on the hospital bed from 10PM to 10AM, staring at the curtain in front of me and feeling the seconds tick away in my blood, listening to the security guards talk in the hallway... no one was with me but you guys. Then Laurie, you decided to bring everyone in-- everyone-- and fill them in on the situation...

Hey, someone had to tell them, and we had more than enough time to do so.

That was... that meant a lot to me, admittedly. Having everyone there.

I think it meant a lot to all of us. Just... having Markus and Ryman there, I could have cried. Nothing had changed. Almost nine years after I met them, after countless mistakes on my part, they still showed up in the middle of the night to be with me. I need someone like that here. I really do.

I know. It's ridiculous how we can't find anyone local and exclusive.

Exclusive?

Someone who won't be like Jewel's mother and say 'oh, sorry hon, but I'm on a date with my hubby right now so I can't come see you in the ER tonight!' Don't give me that. Jewel needs someone who is going to put him at the top of their list, because God knows he would do that for them even if he wasn't on their list at all.

My dad ironically seems to be the one member of my family who cares the most.

Dude, yes. That honestly surprised me, what with all the flak he gets from your other parental figures.

He showed up around 8AM on Friday to eat breakfast with me in the ER, and take me up to the psychiatric ward itself. He didn't complain or condemn or anything, he was just there for me. And then he visited every single night I was in the unit... called me even when I was out and at home... the only time he wasn't there was because he was freaking out of state. He even drove me back down to the ER a week after I was admitted, thanks to how badly I was reacting to my meds--

Kid, you are getting ahead of yourself. Start on the 28th. Your dad and a doc took you up to the ward, you were admitted, and...?

And stuff got weird. I went to the room I was assigned to, and the person who had been assigned there before me was leaving that very morning. So I got to talk to her for about a half hour before she left, and that helped so much. I got the typical 'you're very intelligent' line, but really, having her there to reassure me during my first hour on the floor was a real blessing. I calmed down a little thanks to that, as I was still reeling from the night before, and I don't know if I would have been able to handle Friday without having the optimism from her and my dad that morning.

What did happen on Friday?

I don't really remember. I do remember being put on pills, which I'll get to later, but the most significant but was getting homesick when I tried to sleep that night. Then I ended up feeling sicker because I knew it was misplaced. I was willing to put myself back into the danger of my home situation just to have a 'home,' but I was forgetting what a 'home' should really be.

Home is where you are happy, it's not where you're not free... home is where you can be who you are, who you're born to be.

Yeah, heh. So Saturday started out with me being a mess again, but thankfully when the floor got together for the morning meeting, this one 'clique' of kids about my age invited me over. I had forgotten that we were all up there for similar reasons, so when I was able to finally choke out my story, I was honestly shocked that I wasn't being judged for it.

That helped a ton.

It did... so I stayed with those kids the whole time I was there. The next morning I woke up and I was a shambles, so I had to give Laurie the controls in order to even get through it at first.

I had to take your blood test, haha! You probably would've passed the heck out, though, with how shot your nerves were.

I know. I could barely walk without wanting to put you in charge. You helped so much.

Is this Sunday now?

Yeah. Sunday was awful, as I was starting to react badly to the meds I had been given on Friday, and by 8PM I was not only hyperventilating and shaking, but panicking like a maniac. Then they gave me a roommate. That was...

Interesting?

I think I was only meant to have a roommate for that one night, just to learn from it. I couldn't handle sharing a room with someone else, especially not the person I was bunking with, as she was very unstable... don't get me wrong, I had absolutely nothing against her, but there was no way I could safely share a room with her. However, I spoke to her for about an hour before she calmed down enough to fall asleep, and... it really opened my eyes. She was manic and her thought processes didn't make much sense, but at one point she just opened up for the smallest moment at it hit me so hard. She started laughing out of the blue, stopped, and told me how frightening it was to not know what she was laughing at. Then she started up again and there was nothing like that for the rest of the night. But I'll never forget that.

Then on Monday you had your room switched, and they put you on more pills...

And that night I had an absolute meltdown. The docs thought I was having an allergic reaction to my medication. My body went cold and numb, I couldn't breathe, talk or think straight, I was shaking uncontrollably and I was so lightheaded and dizzy I could barely stand up. It was terrifying... that went on for almost two hours, and then they decided to throw me on another pill to combat the effects of the ones I was already on, and I resigned myself to sleep.

Before you slept, though, didn't you talk to that one guy in the unit?

Oh dude, that's right. He was a godsend. He had gone through some heavy stuff that landed him in the unit, but he was like me, in that he was still trying to help everybody around him at the same time. He believed strongly in the law of attraction and thinking about that really helped. But yeah, he kind of acted in my dad's place outside of visiting hours in that he was constantly giving everyone good advice and perspectives on things. So many people in the unit had amazing ideas... and I think it was Sunday night, actually, but one of the nurses actually pulled me aside and walked around the floor with me while we talked. He focused on the fact that I'm transgender and the first thing he said to me about it was 'you know that's not a disorder, right?' It was amazing. No one here had ever just... no one here had ever told me it was okay to be me. But he did.

You learned a heck of a lot during your time there, seriously. The sickest part of it was that it was a more positive environment than your own freaking house. And it was a bloody hospital!

True... but then it was Tuesday, and I was discharged. Even in my last 24 hours, I gained so much self-confidence and insight it was amazing... but then I went home, and it was as if someone just took a magnet to the tape. All that goodness, that safe atmosphere, just gone. I was too relieved to be back with my work to realize it at first, though... on Wednesday my father had me over his house for dinner, which was great, but I had a mini-attack like I had on Monday, and that terrified me because I was no longer around docs who could help. Then Thursday came around again.

And you landed back in the ER.

...Yeah. On Thursday morning, I spoke to the psychiatrist the hospital had referred me to, and he took me off two of the medications I had been put on. However, they left me on one to see if that's what was making me so sick. I figured we wouldn't have a problem, but then that evening, the iceberg hit me again. My father rushed up to the house and drove me back to the hospital, where he stayed with me for the next 5 hours while they made sure I was only feeling side effects and not something worse...

Having to wait five freaking hours to get treatment in the ER is ridiculous.

At least I got to talk with my dad. My mother always used to tell me that she hated how my dad talks about himself, but I love that. I love that he feels he can tell me all these little stories and details about his life. I could write a book about him based solely on what he's spoken to me about on nights like that... even when he used to drive me to my Italian classes when I started college, every night, we'd listen to Todd Rundgren and he'd talk about his past. I loved that so much. My mother has never done anything like that with me. I know almost nothing about her, at all, and that's kind of scary. The same goes for everyone else in my family. That's why I have this bad habit of learning as much as I can about people I love... even though it's hurt me in the long run, I just need that to... to kind of paint a picture of them in my mind. All the puzzle pieces just fit together and it's beautiful. I need to know all those beautiful little things. But... I don't know anything about so many people.

And you're just so ready to tell everything to anyone in return. It's heartbreaking, kid.

...

I know, but... Friday I had another meltdown and was back in the ER due to having palpitations on top of it all. This was when my dad was out of state, so first we tried calling my mother to take me down as I couldn't breathe, but she was on a date... so my grandparents had to go with me. Then God threw this absolutely insane string of non-coincidences at me, as if to say, 'there's still hope.' The moment I set foot in the ER, who else was in there but one of my friends from the psych ward. So I talked to him for about 20 minutes before I was called back to a room. Then, who did I walk past in the hallway but my old co-worker, Steve, who I haven't spoken to in several months-- but who had sent me a message on FB just that morning. Then later, when my grandmother randomly spoke up that she hoped my grandfather was doing okay in the waiting room, he showed up at the door to my examination room. It was all really awesome and it helped me get through the virtually mandatory 5-hour wait for treatment, haha.

You had a bad night, though.

I did. The ER doc told me flat-out that the med I had been left on was the one that was giving me the horrible side effects, but as only my psychiatrist could take me off it, he just gave me a pill to 'stop the shakes.' It didn't do anything but make it worse. I got home around 1:30AM, and I was awake until after 4 because I could not stop shaking. It was so bad I couldn't breathe.

Chaos is the only reason you got through the night, I think. I hope you know you are practically that kid's guardian angel, CZ, because wow. He was like that in the unit, too.

I know..

So yeah, Jewel, then you just struggled through the weekend until now, right?

Basically. Sleep was frightening because I never felt as if I was getting enough air, and the pills were making my heart race so I couldn't relax. I ended up putting an entirely new quiet playlist on Razia just so I could have that playing through my earbuds as I tried desperately to fall asleep. And I had horrible nightmares every time I did... and...

Julie got you one night.

She did??

Yeah... I think it was Saturday, actually, but he woke up in the middle of the night from it. It was pretty terrible. She hasn't let up since then, either. We had one straight-up loss today thanks to another trigger weardown, but after how much you've been hit by lately, kid, I mostly just feel terrible that we didn't have security jacked up enough to keep her out.

I had my guard down after last night.

We need to discuss that too. Let's finish this first, though. Monday was hell, so elaborate.

Yeah, yesterday was horrible... that's probably why I was hacked today... I had spent all weekend trying desperately to contact my psychiatrist to get me off that last med, because I was not only horribly sick from it, but knowing that I had meds in my system was slowly driving me mad. I had a violent anxiety attack yesterday that was downright terrifying. It felt like the world was ending. I was sobbing and screaming and walking in circles and everything felt like it was a second away from exploding. I couldn't take it, and my family just kind of gave me a deaf ear as usual. 'Well we don't know what to do!' Then they go back to their own business as I'm sitting on the floor pulling my hair out and trying not to throw up. For heavens sake, all I wanted was for someone to listen. All I wanted was for someone to look at me with compassion instead of cold indifference or annoyance. That was it! And it was nowhere to be found.

Then your psychiatrist called, haha.

It was freaking divine intervention. Right when I thought I was actually on the brink of suicide due to how incredibly desperate I was, the phone rang, and it was their office. They told me to stop taking the last med, and that was it.

And then a few hours later, you fell asleep.

Before we go there, I want to backtrack to the Thursday that started this whole mess again, as I just remembered something. When I was in the police car, I remember asking the policewoman why my mother had reacted so violently and angrily to the new grave, instead of showing empathy or concern or anything like that. I wanted to know why she had instead screamed at me, refused to listen to my explanation, and called the ambulance to send me to the psych ward. The policewoman said that it was apparently something parents did. She said that, as a parent, when your child does something that you are hurt by, instead of reacting kindly you blow up at them. I was so offended by that I nearly cried. Now I know I'm incapable of having biological kids, but for heaven's sake, I have mental children that I would die for and I adore every last one of them. And they've done things I don't approve of!! Leila is anorexic, Sting is an alcoholic, Xor is suicidal, Katie self-abuses-- but when I found out about those things, did I blow up on them? Did I scream at them and refuse to listen to their words? No!! No, I simply held them closer than I had ever done before, and I didn't stop loving them, not even for a moment. They're my kids. If they hurt, I hurt. I couldn't ever hate them or be angry with them for something like that, ever. For a policewoman to tell me that, 'as a mother,' it was 'natural' to act as violently as my own mother had when she saw the blood on my arms? Heck, if our places had been switched, there would have been NO police car, and I would have spent the night with a broken heart and an open mind and my arms around her. She would only have gone to the psych ward if I felt it was needed for her situation after all that. It just hurts so, so much that both that woman and my mother both thought their reactions were normal. That isn't normal. Not at all...

You're the best father any of your kids could ever ask for, Jewel.

I try. God knows I do everything I can. And that's why I want to get my art and music and writing out into the world! That's the real reason!! Because on Thursday, when my own freaking mother refused to show kindness to me, I had music and art and writing to turn to. The sounds on my headphones held more empathy than she did. That's what I want to be. I want to be that sound. I want to be that empathy to the other kids in this world, young and old. When there's no one to turn to, I want my work to be within their reach, to be something for them to hold on to, to hold close. I could never be a biological parent, but I can be a parent to the parentless, when their own flesh and blood closes its arms to them. I can give those kids hope and joy and love and light and that's all I've ever wanted to do.

You'll do it. I've never been so sure of anything else. You'll do it all; I know you will.

When I was sitting in the ER on Friday, I thought I was dying. It was midnight, and I couldn't breathe or think or talk, and I thought I would die. I said a quiet prayer, asking if this was it, if my time was up, if these pills would cut my hours short. And an answer came to me, so clearly I actually did cry.

What was it?

"You can do so much good for this world. That's why I put you here."

I told you, kid..

And the fear was gone. I couldn't die, not yet, because I had a reason to live and it was important and it was real, no matter what my 'family' said. It just... geez, you have no idea what it felt like, to hear that.

You've done a heck of a lot of good already. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I won't. That's another thing I learned from the psych ward, haha. Oh, and church on Saturday? Last week had been the Beatitudes, which I missed because I only had a service in the-- oh!! Oh man, I almost forgot. Oh man.

What?

In the unit, on Saturday, a woman came in from a local church to have a prayer service... I was one of five people that attended. It started with singing, but then she went off on this tangent about her denomination of faith, and that led into her saying how she felt there shouldn't be so many denominations, as we're all connected in the end... and God bless her, she said something about what love should be like, about what true love actually was, the selfless kind, and for an example she told us about this elderly couple she knew... two guys. I couldn't handle it; everything she said just... I needed to hear it. I needed to. And then she gave us individual blessings, and... and I think that was all the 'proof' I needed of there being a light in everything. She walked up to me and prayed for me to find peace and all that... but then at the very end she paused and added-- and I quote-- "may what has been taken from you be restored a hundred fold." I nearly started sobbing.

The graves...

The freaking graves. I've had them taken from me, and I didn't say a word about that to anyone, and this woman just... God, I was shattered. And then the Gospel this week was about being a light to the world. "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven..." and the part about not keeping a light in a closet, Laurie, even that!

Your life is the most amazing thing I have ever seen, kid. Seriously, if I didn't know you, I would be having a hard time believing how well all this stuff lines up for you, all the time. But it does.

It does, I know...

It's the closest thing to perfection I know, and on that note, let's turn the topic back to the maelstrom over here.

I knew that was coming.

You'd better! So yeah, let's go back to Thursday again.

Why Thursday?

Because you fell to pieces. You don't think that absolutely broke Jewel's heart? Seriously, after that talk we had on the 16th, you two seem to have been stuck in that mental state for good.

That's not a bad thing, though.

Still, now? After you've been together for how many years, suddenly this spikes just in time for one of the most personally difficult experiences of your life so far? No, it's not a bad thing, but for this to have stayed at that level without going down in the slightest is just... it's unusual that this has never happened before.

Maybe it wasn't able to. Maybe it's only now that I've learned so much.

About that. The heck were you two up to last night?

The usual?

As I said, when did this become the usual? Because, yeah, this is arguably the most powerful thing we have against Julie, but it's simultaneously the main thing she is aggressively trying to get to us through. This is keeping me awake at night. This is 100% positive progress, but it's such a violently dangerous topic that I really don't know what the heck to do other than keep my eyes open. I can't put up any major security without blocking something else out that we need.

Why is that?

It's because you're not a hardcore antisexual anymore, are you?

Um. No I'm not.

Exactly. You're still ace, but you've stopped hating on everybody who isn't, and although I am seriously proud of you for that, you can't let your walls all the way down because you WILL get hurt by the darker side of that. And so at the expense of bringing up a really touchy subject, I think we seriously need to discuss this, especially in light of last night.

Why do you keep bringing up last night?

Because you specifically referred to what I'm trying to discuss. Now this all started around December 23rd, thanks to two individuals I won't name outright, but who are extremely important to you, Jewel. That forced you to look at this whole situation differently and, after your experience in the unit last week, allowed you to reconcile your understanding of that with what you've been mislabeling here.

I think I know what you mean. The... connection thing, right?

Yes, exactly. The reason you've been antisexual all your life is because sexuality is physical, and you were so completely put off by that you thought 'there's no way that can be positive in the slightest!' So you were hating on everyone who wasn't ace. However, it wasn't until recently that you realized that it was just the wrong way to go about something you've been taking for granted.

Jewel, can you put this in clearer terms?

Uh, sure. You know how with J-Monsters, two individuals can have this incredibly deep emotional link of sorts? That's based on an 'energy' connection. The only thing physical about it is initial contact; it's not the important part. However, humans can't do that. The only thing they have is sexuality and that's both under-evolved and wrongly assigned to emotional connections in my opinion. It's a reproductive function is all, but thanks to family units and all that it's become exclusive, and unfortunately people are pegging emotional closeness on it when that has nothing to do with it inherently. Sure, you can have that with it, but you don't need love in order to have sex and that's the problem. You can't do that in the J-Monster sense unless you consciously want to destroy someone on the emotional level. So there are humans here who really do love each other but don't know how to 'connect' and they're using sexuality as their only option. That's why I was vehemently antisexual for so long, because I know people actively use that function in negative ways and I can't stand the thought of it being considered a 'connective' thing if it's not ONLY that, which it isn't. Plus I still find it absolutely disgusting. Long story short, J-Monster connections are not sexual and cannot rightly be compared to human sexuality because they're two entirely different functions. However I understand that people here don't have that option so many of them are stuck with an imperfect and unfitting physical thing. So I no longer hold that against them. </awkward>

See, no problem. I'm just glad you're no longer condemning people, heh.

Seriously, you've never written that stuff out before?

No, I don't think so. I should have. Better late than never I guess.

True. Now back to where I was. The energy aspect is exactly what was going on in that hotel room, no matter what your FB status says.

Sure, don't be subtle or anything.

I'm never subtle. But it was really hilarious how that tied into your earlier dream, Jewel.

Shouldn't there be some context in this, Laurie?

Fine. Jewel didn't have a nightmare last night, thank God, and Chaos happened to show up. And at some point in the first dream, for God knows what reason, Jewel told him that 'if I ever had to marry someone--'

Or be with someone in the way I just mentioned..

Heh, yeah-- that you'd pick him. But then you stopped and quickly added 'but not in the human way!!' You were so terrified of being misunderstood, haha.

Hey, at least he was careful.

Yeah, but he really freaked out over it. It was pretty funny.

So why are you bringing this up again?

Because in the second dream you were in that hotel room with him and you know exactly what happened. And that has been happening way too often lately. Is that why I never got a postcard? Did you guys decide to move in or what?

You and that postcard. Fine-- Saint Peter said they were out. So we are moving in and then we'll send you a letter instead, how's that?

That's a pretty serious alternative to waiting for postcards to restock in heaven.

Come on, Laurie. Listen, we... that talk we had, on the sixteenth? We stopped taking that for granted, all right? Jewel needs me, I need him, so why shouldn't we have this?

I'm concerned about the desperation though. Honestly, it doesn't matter to me how often this is happening. Jewel's a cathartic mess and you're not much better, so it's understandable. My concern is why. With how bloody painful it obviously is, and how emotionally shaken Jewel gets every time it happens, what's the motivation? You know as well as I do that it's not simply because you 'feel like it,' no matter how madly you're in love. This sort of thing doesn't get written into anyone's weekly schedule. It's too significant, it's too overwhelming, and it's far too bloody painful. Is this your way of coping? Or are you both just that unstable right now?

I can't... I can't function without it some days. You know how much I needed Chaos around even while coping with my meds; I'm just horrifically unstable after the past two weeks, and what I have with Chaos is the truest thing I can feel, and I need that.

It'll still be there even if you two don't reforge it every single night.

That's not the point. The point is that I am so emotionally overwhelmed all the time now, that feeling that is the only thing keeping me going.

That doesn't answer my question, kid. Chaos?

It's actually just what he's saying, as far as I know. He just needs love more than anything, at any given time, and that's it.

But-- Jewel, honestly, I think you've rewired to also need the pain. Sure, you needed a heck of a lot of positive pain prior to this, but now that all your coping mechanisms are gone, you're getting desperate, and I know you-- the more desperate you are, the more unstable your emotions get. If I'm not mistaken, which I rarely am, you are an absolute shambles right now, and Chaos is virtually the only thing keeping you together. I do NOT want you to shatter, and I do NOT want you getting used to this.

...She has a point.

And Jewel looks legit terrified, so I guess I was right after all.

But that's only one aspect of it.

Sure, but it's a really bloody important one. Tell me something, kid. How are you right now? Would you be able to sleep tonight without some sort of heavy pain shock, or are you looking for one even as we speak?

...

Told you. Chaos, listen. By no means does this downplay anything--

I know that.

Just hear me out. Jewel loves you to death, and love is the most positively painful thing there is, especially for him. I'm worried because he's not expressing that in a 'healthy' way at all. He's bloody terrified, he can't cope without pain, he can't cope without you, and I don't want him falling apart on us. Most importantly, I don't want Julie using that.

Laurie I don't want to lose this.

You're not going to lose anything. Calm down. The problem is that you are on the verge of collapsing emotionally, and that is so severe that you need something of equal intensity to combat it. Seriously, Chaos, he's the one coming to you for this, am I right?

Yeah, he is.

And you haven't noticed anything different about how he's been acting?

No, I've noticed how shaky he's been emotionally. I just... didn't think it was any different than usual. Jewel's fragile, you know that.

Which is why I'm worried that he's going to break. Yeah, we've made progress, and we are at an all-time high right now in that respect, but this is not a normal reaction on his part.

It's because of the progress. Now I'm just waiting on docs to get back to me, and in the meantime I'm stuck in this bad place, and I guess that's making me need the bright things in my life even more, and on top of what I went through with all those hospital visits I guess I'm just terrified that I don't have as much time as I always assumed I did. When those titanic side effects would hit me, and I would get panic attacks at the same time, it literally felt like I was dying, and I hadn't done what I needed to yet. So as long as I'm stuck in this house I am desperate, and I'm repeating myself but I am fragile and this is breaking me. But I guess it's just thrown me into a chronic emotional high, on all levels, because dear God I need to get out of here. This wouldn't be a problem if I was in a good place.

I know. I really wish you were.

Chaos, I love you so much it hurts. I love you. That's why this keeps happening. I can't possibly keep this to myself.

Aaand there's our problem. There's no catharsis on this level.

What?

Jewel is stuck in an incredibly negative environment that is quite literally suffocating him. He can't express any honest emotions whatsoever, and since his life is really looking up right now, there's a lot he's being forced to keep quiet. I told you, the two of you being together is not a problem, at all. The problem is that he is feeling so much that he can't function without freaking connecting, which is seriously insane in terms of emotional gravity. His virtue is being suppressed and that's killing him.

I need to get out of here.

Kid, we're trying. You're off the meds so now you can drive. Make good use of that. Also it snowed, so the world outside is being merciful to you too. Get the heck out of the house, get down to Borders if you can, just get the heck away from this.

I can't, not yet. I need to wait to hear back from the psychiatrist with an appointment, for that therapist.

What's that therapist going to do, really?

Hopefully, get me both out of here and into HRT.

Wait, are you serious?

Yes. I made it very clear that I want to transition and he's going to work with me on that.

Geez, then I don't blame you for camping by the phone. All right then, get back into NIER and RB3 if you can't exactly leave the house physically. Just-- please, kid, I don't want this interim destroying you.

I also need to sleep. Oh, and tomorrow we need to get back here to discuss the kaleidoscope point and possibly other things, I don't know. I just feel there's more to talk about.

Then sleep. We don't need a war breaking out because you're not in bed for 10PM.

So Laurie, what am I doing?

Heheh, sorry. Personally I say to let the kid sleep tonight, so don't go overboard.

Laurie, you should be my doctor at this point...

I should! You won't need to fill any bloody prescriptions when you're with me, that's for sure.

Thank God for that.

Seriously, you do need sleep. I'll see you two tomorrow.

So... should we buy the apartment or what?

Heh, why not? The kid needs a better place to live anyway.

Then watch your mailbox, you maniac.

Look who's talking!

 


prismaticbleed: (shatter)

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL (SPINNY) CHAOS ZERO JULIE

 

There you are, finally.

I see our colors work again.


Thank God, right? Now where's sharkface?

Right here.

Ah, good. Anyone else tagging along?

Why, do you need an audience?

It's not necessary, but I like the... how do you say... 'energy' of several people in here at once.

Sure you do.

All right guys, calm down. Laurie, what's this even about?

It's about the f*king problem you have, pun intended. What's with the bloody whorishness?

Whoa-- BACK OFF. Don't you even start with that.

Too late.

...Oh no.

Get the hell out of here. You should be DEAD.

Well, I'm not.

Do I look like I care what you think? No. Get out of this room and don't come back. I deal with you enough already.


I'm not here to piss you off.

Get the HELL away from her!


Too late!

Laurie!

Ggk--

For mercy's sake what is going on...

I don't know. She got in.

You're damn RIGHT she got in, idiot! Now you help me get her out!

What do you want me to do? If I go anywhere near her she'll freaking rape me!


Yeah, I KNOW. So stay the hell back and get her OUT.

Jewel, just do something!

I-- Laurie, watch out!


Ffff- I'm freakin' watching! You're not the one fighting here!

You got that right.

You SHUT your filthy MOUTH.

Jewel, how are we supposed to get her out of here?

I don't know. I-- she's terrified of Laurie, but... we need backup. I can't go over there without risking it--

You ALREADY risked it, you wench, that's how she got in here!


...Oh.

What's she talking about?


...Near misses. Shoot. I am so stupid...

I need BACKUP!


Chaos, go get--

Oh, for heaven's sake-- no, not him! You! Lend me some freaking energy here!

All right--!

Hk...


Getting scared, eh? Ball ain't in your court anymore.

That's what you think.

What was that?!

Is she... melting?

No, she's made of shadow. Kind of zombified, too, thank God.


You'll notice that's
changing!

I told you I wouldn't lose.

Stop bluffing, you whore, and get the hell out of my sight. This isn't over.

...

...Damn it.


...Should we move?

No, we're not moving. As long as Jewel stays in control we are just fine.

You call that fine?! What in the world just happened?


Your cyberfaced friend almost screwed everything up again, all right? Geez. I'm telling you, if we don't get a handle on this issue and fast we are ALL as good as dead.

I'm sorry.

Sorry doesn't do a DAMN THING. I am sick of you apologizing and then stabbing me in the back two minutes later! What the hell's your problem?

You know what the problem is, Laurie.

Yeah, we all know about that problem, but by no means should that be causing THIS. And don't you dare throw the blame on your parents or any shit like that.

Laurie, I can't lie.


Yes you bloody well can, you've lied to me before. 'Oh, my mom wants me to do this and that!' I don't care what she wants, you know what sort of life you need and you shouldn't be compromising it. If you're too bloody weak in the heart to stand up for your very purpose, then I might as well just shoot myself and be out of this hellish misery already.

Don't, please.

Oh really? Don't leave? Why? Because then you'll be without someone to run to? Screw that. You need to face this like a man, kid. You know what the problem is, and you know what makes it worse, and you KNOW what happens when you ignore the warning signs, so WHY the HELL do you keep ignoring it all?!

I wish I knew.


You're weak, that's why.

...

Laurie, don't--

It's the bloody truth. She/he/whatever is a gutless weakling in every aspect that matters. It's infuriating me big time and, even worse, it's killing me. What's my job, Chaos? To overcome the id, right? So tell me-- what the hell do I do when my kid here keeps blindly falling prey to that pink slut?

I just... I don't know. I don't know what else to do here already.


Join the club.

No, Laurie, I mean she's doing everything she can right now. We don't have the means for drastic measures yet.

Don't tell me you believe all that garbage. If she was doing everything she could, we'd be 99% problem-free right now. She's NOT doing her job.

...

What's the matter? Cornered? You can't hide from me, sparkle-eyes.

I'm not hiding from you, Laurie. I know I'm weak. I know I'm being a stupid slacker and all that--

Then why don't you stop it already?


Because it's hard. I don't know why, but for some stupid reason it's hard.

Pfeh. Human imperfection, I suppose.

...

Oh, calm down already. It's the exact same problem you had-- a corrupt state mislabeled as an ideal.

How is she going through that? She is nowhere near as screwed up as I am.

No, but he's getting there. Society's perfection = her imperfection. Your kid's view of his life and purpose in it are in stark contrast to what most of the individuals around her are expecting of him.


You're rotating pronouns.


Damn straight I am; worth it to see you smile for once, eh?

...But, geez... no one's asking her to be a force of destruction, thank God.


Actually, yeah. Look at it this way, sharkface. If outside influences manage to mess Jewel up enough that she abandons her ideals and replaces them with the dime-a-dozen norm, he's going to be one hell of a destructive force. Instead of using her dreams and visions and powers to make a difference and change this mess in some way, he'll be contributing to the problems and making it worse for every other life out there. It's what the Jewel Monsters say, y'know. We're all connected, despite the details. You screw around with one person's life and you're screwing up all of them.

You sure are philosophical tonight.

I'm always philosophical, thank you very much, I'm a frickin' superego. This here is my job.

So... you think Jewel is at a real risk for... hitting a 180?

It's always a threat, and stop looking at the door already. That witch isn't getting back in here.

She already got in!

Is that my fault? No. That's your kid's fault, and that's why we're here in this infamous room again. When issues get more threatening than usual, I put up the red flag. You see this axe? Freakin' red flag. We have a problem, and I'll be damned if I don't try to fix it.

This just makes me think of that Rooney song.

I'm asking everyone around me how to live my life?


I know the answers I keep hearing, but I listen close each time...

It's sickening already. I feel like such a broken record.

Well hey, you might be broken, but at least you've got some good music. Listen, kid... hope never dies, am I right?

Yeah.

Then a certain Jewel Monster is going to be pretty upset with you if you keep acting like that. If there was no hope, would I be here? No. If I didn't care, and if I didn't honestly believe in you, I'd basically just say 'forsake it all' and slice my own ribcage out like I said I would last year. There's hope, Jewel.

I know that, I know that. That's why I keep going too. But... it just seems so darn far away.

That's the point of hope. Without it we'd all die of misery.

...Yeah, it is.


That's all I have to say about it. How about you, Chaos?

What?


Don't give me 'what.' You've barely spoken five sentences the entire time we've been here.


Well, excuse me if I'm a little traumatized from that Julie encounter earlier.

You think that's bad? What if she jumped on you and pretended she was Jewel?


I...

That would be hell, wouldn't it? You'd have nightmares for months. And that's what Jewel is letting that slut do to her! Now you see why this is so important? I can see the abject terror in your eyes, so don't you even try to deny it.


...

You can't ignore it, Aqua. That's what's happening.

Chaos, it'll be fine. I told you we'll get through this.

Yeah, sure, but who's going to carry the scars? I'm not the one with a stomach full of crosses!

You're lucky I'm withholding those until further notice.

Don't-- don't even start. All I want to know is where our progress went.

What progress? Oh, you mean the past victories? Out the bloody window.

Jewel, why are you going back downhill? Please.


I'm not entirely sure, sweetheart... and I think that's the problem. I'm very out of focus right now. The past month or so has been seriously crazy, and as a result I have no time for my 'escapes--' which, as you know, are my refuges. Instead of putting time into those, I've just been... floating, kind of, and when that happens I'm weak. I'm vulnerable, and I hate that, because then people try to rip me open. That's what Laurie was talking about. All this interim time is making me weak, but when I try to fight it I hit obstacles on the outside. My mother has no clue what the real problem is here and she is one of my biggest roadblocks. It sounds immature, but you two know the details.

Mum thinks you're faking everything and your grandmother wants you to live a 'normal life' and die.


Precisely. And I've tried standing up to that, but you know what happens from that. The results are never, ever good. I'm lucky my grandmother is at least becoming more passive-aggressive in her campaign.

Campaign?


Her old-school mindset that everyone who's not white is out to kill you, that anyone who doesn't fit the strict gender binary/stereotypes is going to hell, that life is about looking out for number one, et cetera. I don't subscribe to that, and I can't actively show that because then she goes hellfire on me.

I don't understand closed minds.

Me neither, but that's the way it is.


So what's the bottom line? Laurie, what did you want to fix up through this conversation?

Not too much. I wanted to bring the current situation to light so we could all try to fix it actively instead of being ignorant fools about it. We covered the surface of it well enough, so unless you want to dig up the blood and bones or go off topic, we're cool.

Really?

Really really. No use spitting at you if you already understand everything you need to do.

Well that's unusual.


What, not wanting to verbally abuse this kid for the next hour? Nah, that's just when I'm seriously irate. I'm spitting enough swords at Julie already, and Jewel's been through enough lately.


Huh. I won't argue with that, then.

Good.

So... we're good?


Not with that tone of voice we're not.


Heh, yeah. Um...

Spit it out, kid, or I'll rip it out of ya. You know I can.

Laurie.

Hey, I'm being honest. She'd better do the same.

I just... with all this gender stuff lately, and what my family keeps pushing on me... what do you think about what's going on with the girls?

You mean your bizarre attraction to them? That's not new, but what about it?


Are you... is it a severe problem?

Not when you're just wanting to hang with Vontricia or Jena or whatever. When you let that bubblegum harlot turn you in the other direction, then yes, that's a huge and lethal problem.

But I don't get it. Why am I suddenly looking for girls?

You're looking for androgynous girls, you idiot. If some chick with a rack wanted to date you, you'd evacuate faster than a freaking fire squad. You're looking for your mental twin, and that's simply because you've never had anyone to confide in, imagine with, or love in that funky way of yours without getting something completely different back. This 'lesbian' label nonsense is only because you appreciate pretty girls and would rather be with someone who had a more flexible gender range. Guys don't work for you unless they're gay and you know it.

So is that what we're being considered now?

Don't laugh, you don't have a physical system. I'm talking about humans.


So we agree that I need a gal who is somewhat less masculine version of myself and is willing to be my pseudo-girlfriend?

If that's how you want to put it, sure. You know your situation better than I do.

But where the heck can I find someone like that?

Shoot me if I know, kid. If I did I've had told you ages ago. Yo Chaos, this bothering you?


No, not at all. I know Jewel; we've been together for almost 7 years now.

Holy swords, that long?

Haha, yeah, for that long. So I'm used to her love largesse. It doesn't bother me at all now.

Agape altruism is more like it.

Stop it, guys, you're making me blush. I just have a lot of love to give is all.

And to you, everyone deserves it. You fell for freaking Davy Jones, for heavens sakes.


Yes, I remember that very well.

Don't forget Tox, you know.


Yeah, him too...

Ironically, they're both guys.

Inhuman guys, mind.

Eh, point.

Girl-wise, she has Shade, Makoto, Vonnie, Sarah, Celebi, Jena, Dori, Alex, and maybe Des or Kathy.

Geez, they're not all in the same category!


Dang, you probably didn't even list all of them.

I don't doubt it!

You two, come on. This is a bit... it's making me nervous.

Good. That means it's honest. If you were flaunting it shamelessly I'd seriously question your so-called love.

Ahem.

She doesn't flaunt you, you maniac. She just shows you off.

Laurie...

It's true, you want people to know that you love this blue guy.

Because no one else does. That's the point, I love him, and it's not something I should be ashamed of.

There you go.

What-- Laurie, I swear if I didn't love you too I'd strangle you.

You couldn't strangle me either way, boy.

Man, Laurie knows you like a book!


I know, love. I know.

But seriously, if you need a girl, go find one. Just keep Julie dead this time, you crazy loon.


I'm trying, you know I am.

Will you try still harder now?


Books reference!

I will try to.

Can we talk some more?

I don't know.

Why the hell not?

Laurie, if that was part of the lyrics, I would die laughing.

These conversations are such roller coasters.


That's good. Most people just go through their days in a haze; you need to shake things up like this whenever you can. Otherwise, you get that frankly horrific floating Jewel was suffering from.

I can't stand that. I get so nervous when I'm not actively busy.

Hence the Julie hacks, boy. Start wearing your flash drive around again; that'll keep the floozy away.


Hey, didn't you buy velour today, though?

Oh geez yeah I did.


Dude, you finally bought that bloody fabric?


Yep. It was cheaper than the freaking tail.

Nevermind how much it cost, you start working on that. If there's anything you need right now it's optimism.

Optimism, hope, and love.

I'll be the hope, you be the love.


Will do, captain.


I don't know what I'd do without you two.

You'd be bored to death and probably a delinquent too, God bless your heart.


Laurie, I think you need to go home and go to sleep.

I am the angel of death!

That's... frighteningly fitting.

By the way, you work on losing that thanatos mode of yours.


The wh-- oh, the pain addiction. Yeah. I'm trying.

You'd better be. That's why I stopped attacking you-- you're turning it into positive reinforcement, which is screwed up. You need to flat-out fix yourself and fast.

I promise you I will, Laurie.

Cross your heart, kid, make it legit.


Done and done.

Now get to work before your boss fires you!


It's only-- geez, no, it's almost 10PM. You're right.

You've been late the past several days, Jewel. Laurie's right; you could use the overtime.

Hey, if I'm working overtime, sweetheart, you'd better ask my boss if you can 'stand in' for a while. I haven't seen you around in a while.

You think that's my choice, J? As long as you're looking for me I'm looking for you.

And as long as the two of you are still here I'm going to be ticked off. Get your tails to bed already, there won't be any late night meltdowns during work hours.


All right, all right, I'm off. Thank you, Laurie.

Anytime, kid. I may not be cute, but I'm here for you if you need me.

I could care less about the cuteness, honestly. But thanks again, Laur... it means more than I can really say.

Actions speak louder than words, Jewel. You wanna say 'thank you?' Get the heck to bed and don't screw up tomorrow. Aiite?


Aiite. See you soon, Laurie. You get some sleep too.


Haha, sleep? Nah, I'm the bloody graveyard shift here.

You don't sleep?

Do I look like I have time to sleep?

Well, now that you mention it, Johnny C. didn't sleep either.

Oh man, good one!

Hey, you watch it or I'll nail YOU to the wall.


I'd rather you didn't; that would put quite a damper on my search for answers.

So will sleep deprivation. MOVE IT.


All right, all right!


Geez, no matter how stressed out I get at the end of these things, I love these conversations.


You said it!

Oh yeah, uh-- you two should really use the back door.


Ffffffff--

Holy fish, I almost forgot. Thank you!!

Don't mention it. Just doing my job.


I saw that smirk.

Heheheh!

 


 

 

prismaticbleed: (held)

I first remember being on the porch of my house. Vezerai was there, surrounded by police officers who were trying to hold him back. I asked them what in the world was going on, and they said that Vez had just killed several people. I was shocked, as Vezerai isn't that kind of guy, but when I tried to ask him if that was true, he didn't reply. He was hyperventilating, staring at nothing, and apparently panicking. I think he was starting to sob from hysteria as well. I became very nervous as I had no idea what was happening, and then the scene switched.
I then found myself in my church's basement, except there were no pillars, and the walls were lined with metal prison doors, like in The Green Mile. The entire center of the room was still empty, though, and the wall behind me had had small windows near the ceiling that lead outside: the only source of light in the room.
For some unknown reason, there were several people in the room with me, all dressed in black and looking very worried. In the center of the room was a Banette. The people with me said they were trying to 'catch it' or something, but apparently not in the traditional 'throw a Pokeball and mash the B button' way-- they had set up an elaborate plan to trick the Banette into feeling 'safe' and then jump on it when it would least likely attack them. I honestly had no idea what they were doing. However, I was apparently caught up in their plan regardless. First, they all climbed up on the high windowsills (bringing me along) and one guy handed me a yellow and black ball. He told me to throw it at the Banette for a distraction first. I tried to protest but he wouldn't let me, so I cautiously threw it. However, the ball bounced and came right back at me, so the Banette turned and saw us, completely ruining the plan. Everyone froze and seemed terrified, but I noticed that the ghost monster was staring directly at me alone. He didn't even look angry, just surprised and suspicious. Anyway, he eventually turned around and the black-clad gang rushed to set up something else. Whatever they did, they soon set up a pink 'fort' of sorts and put a large 'doll' in the middle of the room. We all hid behind the fort and waited for the Banette to walk over to the doll, which he soon did. I had a very limited view (I was trying to look over the shoulders of the other guys) but from what I could tell, the Banette was treating the doll like a 'date' of sorts, fawning over it and doing all these amusingly cliched routines. Suddenly, however, he stopped dead and turned to face us, looking completely serious. He then asked, specifically, if I was watching (he referred to me by name). No one said a word, but a few people looked at me in shock. The Banette repeated his question, now sounding angry, but still no answer. He then moved away from the doll in an almost aggressive fashion, and several of the black-outfits jumped up and quickly moved to 'contain' him, almost like a police force trying to suppress a criminal.
There was a small plot-break hiatus here, in which I was suddenly handed a burgundy-colored envelope that was allegedly a letter from Ravda. She was talking about her time in England and all, but I don't remember any of it, because I was called away halfway through reading it.
On the far right side of the room was a small set of stairs that led up into another long hallway of cells. There was a girl standing on the stairs who looked almost like LordBlumiere, and she was the one who had called me. I walked over to her and asked what she needed, but she stared at me gravely and, almost secretively, said that I only had a few minutes to 'talk to him' if I wanted to. She meant the Banette, who was at the moment nowhere to be seen (neither were the people in black). The girl then told me the Banette was in "cell 10," which was only a few steps behind me-- the first cell on the far wall. I walked over and knelt down in front of the bars, and saw the Banette standing across the cell, about to walk into what looked like a small closet. He looked extremely troubled. Not wanting him to think I was a threat like the other guys, I called out 'hey' as compassionately as I could, and actually blew him a kiss. He turned around, noticed me, and walked over. As soon as he was standing in front of me (I was at his eye level), he asked me (in clear English) why I was there, more surprised than upset. I told him that I was just wondering if he was okay, as I was worried about him. The Banette seemed even more surprised at this fact, and I think a small conversation started from it, centered around what his situation was and if I could help him or not. Either way, he was visibly pained the entire time, and at one point suddenly stopped and held out a small container of silver glitter through the bars. I was baffled and asked him what it was, but he just said to put it on my eyes to make it 'look like I was crying.' He then showed me what he meant, taking some of it on his claw and marking his left eye with it. Deciding to go with it, I did the same with my right eye, asking him why he wanted me to do this. He paused, then said that it was so I would be used to crying when the 'glimmering stopped' and he had to die (I remember his voice breaking on the 'glimmering;' he fumbled over the word). I was shocked at his reply and looked at him, only to notice that he was literally crying. I understood that his name was Gleam (from his previous statement, I suppose) and quickly asked him what he meant about dying. He clarified that he was scheduled to be executed. Terrified, I asked how that was even possible, when suddenly a brown-haired girl with glasses (she looked about 14) walked up to me and opened the cage, bringing me inside. She said she had to feed Gleam so he wouldn't starve and wanted me to help. She then started concocting this odd thing with apples and sprinkles (maybe even some icing; I have no idea what it was but it looked like a sugar bomb), which Gleam seemed ecstatic about. The girl was talking normally to me the whole time, and seeing her and my Banette buddy smiling made me temporarily forget the situation-- which was bad. As soon as she finished making the sugar-apple-thing, she led me out and locked the cell, a few of the black-coated guys from before walking up to meet her. I came to my senses and asked me what the heck she did that for, as I would have rather kept Gleam company. The girl, now acting a bit haughty, told me that he was far too dangerous and so no one was allowed in there for fear of him 'killing them.' As we had both just been in the cell with Gleam for several minutes, I angrily pointed out her faulty logic and demanded she explain just what the heck was going on. Avoiding the direct question, though, she instead clarified that Gleam had taken a serious liking to me, and I was the only person he would even allow near him. I began to worry that they were trying to use me to hurt him, and not wanting that to happen, asked her what 'they' were planning. However, she only stated that Gleam was scheduled to be executed at midnight the following day, and turned to leave. I shouted 'what could he have possibly done to deserve execution?' but she didn't acknowledge me and left through another door on the far left of the room. I was now very upset, and knelt back down by Gleam's cell. He was already standing there, though, and when I turned back to face him he reached one of his hands through the bars. I tried to reach out and take it but the bars were too close together. This made me terribly sad, and I suddenly wanted nothing more than to be in that cell to protect Gleam from the other people there, but that's when I suddenly woke up.

I sincerely hope he's okay.      
prismaticbleed: (held)
 

I know that I usually don't post this sort of thing in this journal, but I figured my Johnny page needs more love, so here we go.
Apparently, one of my friends on dA started a very interesting "100 picture" list. Why 'interesting,' you ask? Well, instead of listing random words, it listed 100 blank spaces... each to be filled with the name of one of your favorite songs.
Yep, I have to pick the 100 songs that mean the most to me and draw a picture for each of them. I hope I can do it; it would mean a lot to me..

Here, though, I want to give a brief explanation of why the listed songs mean what they do to me.
Even if I can't draw, I have treasured memories for each one, and that means just as much, if not more.


So, without further ado, here's the music!!



1 "LINK" (L'Arc~En~Ciel)
I've always associated this song with Chaos 0, even before I found out that the lyrics apply to 'us' shockingly well. "Even if we are far apart, our hearts are linked... even if a mischievous fate befalls us, the link won't break..." Seriously, even without being familiar with my jargon, you have to admit that's perfect. So, for me, this is his song. It's quite beautiful.
Random trivia... Hyde is one of the few vocalists I've heard with almost the exact voice I picture Chaos with.

2 "Big Julie" (Jarvis Cocker)
My theme song. It has an interesting history, too. On 031207, around 3AM, I woke up for no real reason and spontaneously decided to see what was on the radio. I tuned in to my favorite local college station, and there was some rock song finishing up... immediately after, this song started. The piano chords caught me immediately, but as the song progressed, I knew that I couldn't possibly let it go. I wrote down the chorus-- "big Julie rules the world"-- and looked it up the next morning. I found the artist, and bought the album a few days later. The lyrics apply to me more than I can say... 

3 "Racing Green" (High Contrast)
This song is, quite literally, the auditory embodiment of a perfect summer day. It's fast, catchy, uplifting, and optimistic. It brings a smile to my face every time I hear it, and it never fails.

4 "Living" (Todd Rundgren)
This is the other song I associate with Chaos 0, but this time it's entirely because of the lyrics. Don't get me wrong, the song is absolutely gorgeous, but the words get me every time. "Fate is cruel; you're made a fool... and when I'm falling from grace, I look for comfort in your face. So look me straight into the eye, swear to God and tell me I'm not living a lie..."

5 "Sincerely" (Tsutchie)
I love this song to pieces. It's very simple, sure, but it's so darn happy! Every time I hear it, it just carries me away to a better place. It's the sound of optimism, of fluffy clouds and blue skies, of wide open meadows and the entire world open for me to explore. 

6 "The Sound" (Orson)
I remember hunting this song down obsessively after I first heard it, finally managing to buy the actual CD it was on. It was worth it! The chorus is just amazing, and I love the lyrics.

7 "Northern Girl" (Orson)
When I first heard this song, I started to cry, because the lyrics fit my life all too well. They still do. It's an absolutely gorgeous song.

8 "H! VLTG3" (Linkin Park)
This song + sunny weather + sitting in a Starbucks parking lot = vo!t@ge. No kidding. As a result, this song means quite a lot to me. Also, it's addictive as heck.

9 "Easy To Please" (Coldplay)
This song will forever remind me of Dori. That's all I need to say.

10 "Lupinne" (The Drowners)
I first heard this song on my favorite college radio channel (yep, the same one i heard 'Big Julie' on), but I heard this one on a snowy afternoon in December 2005. I was drawing Hokthai at the time, when then this song came on and I was left speechless. Thank God I had a tape recording the entire time I drew, because I never heard the song again-- and I couldn't find the name OR lyrics to it anywhere. God works in funny ways, though-- last week, I randomly decided to look up the lyrics again, and I found it. It's still just as beautiful as the first time I heard it.

11 "Place" (Senri Manaka)
I find this song extremely calming. I don't even know how I came to like it so much-- one day, it just started playing through my head without warning, and after that, I couldn't stop listening to it. 

12 "If You're Not The One [Dance Remix]" (Daniel Bedingfield)
When I was 12, I heard this remix on the radio and immediately thought of Bakura. I still do, really. It's a beautiful remix-- much better than the original, in my opinion-- and the lyrics actually work pretty darn well.

13 "Winter: Allegro non molto" (Antonio Vivaldi)
My brothers and I decided this was Marik's classical theme song a few years back, and it stuck. Honestly it's because of that awesome violin section-- you know what I mean! 

14 "Hamburg Song" (Keane)
I empathize perfectly with this song.

15 "Jingle Jangle" (Hot Hot Heat)
Yet another song that I first heard on my local college radio channel! I remember how sad this song made me back in '05-- it still does; the lyrics are heartbreakingly sobering. It's a fantastic song.

16 "You Go To My Head" (Tony Bennett)
I'll admit it... I sing this song to Chaos a lot. I love him so much it's intoxicating. "And I find the very mention of you like the kicker in a julep or two..." yeah, pretty much.

17 "Can't Stop Now" (Keane)
I listened to this song a lot when Star Wars Episode 3 was released, so I associate this one with Grievous for some reason. Regardless, the lyrics mean a lot to me, and the song itself is beautiful.

18 "Meteor Herd- Space Trip Steps" (Hunnid-P)
This one has a long story behind it. My first time seeing Chaos in a videogame was the multiplayer in SA2B, and this was the stage I always played. Yeah, running around and exploring every inch of the place was fun enough, but I would always have Chaos climb to the absolute highest point on the map and stand there, looking out over the huge space station and the stars. Chaos' idle animation made it perfect. So hearing this song makes me think of him, and those little moments.

19 "What I Gotta Do" (Macy Gray)
I first heard this song entirely by chance on a cable R&B station, and as soon as it came on, I literally stopped whatever I was doing to just listen. It's gorgeous  in every aspect. Macy has a wonderfully unique voice, and the song itself is richly constructed. One of my all-time faves, actually. 

20 "Empty Streets" (Starsailor)
I just really like this one. I always picture Marik singing it, yeah, but it's just a lovely song in and of itself.

21 "Starlight" (Muse)
This is the song I currently associate with Marik. Not sure why, but the first time I heard it, it just clicked. I consider Marik my 'shining star' too, so it works.

22 "Hard To Beat" (Hard-Fi)
This song is incredibly catchy, has a great sound, and applies to my relationships. It wins!

23 "Anna Molly" (Incubus)
Yet another great story behind this one. I first heard it when trying to fall asleep one night with the radio on. I never listen to the radio, so I got lucky! I loved it immediately and looked up the lyrics the next day, then bought the album as soon as I could. I then listened to the album on loop during a class trip to NYC, so that was great.

24 "The Big Jump" (Angelo Carter)
This song is just really cool. It sounds very hopeful to me, like smiling and knowing things will get better. Plus that organ solo is awesome!

25 "Hit The Road" (Angelo Carter)
Three words: Law Of Talos. That's why!
 
26 "The Color of Jade" (Uyama Hiroto)
I never really paid much attention to this song until one day, when driving home from University, it began to rain while the sun was shining and this song was playing. I then proceeded to 'invent' three separate sets of lyrics for it off the top of my head, haha. It's a lovely piece, though.

27 "Shoot Me Down" (Boy Kill Boy) 
This song is beautifully sad. It has a feeling of regretful sadness to it, and it applies far too well to my life. It reminds me of what I've gone through in the past, and so I listen to it whenever I feel lost too. "It's hard to say how I fit in the line; I lost my way, lost my way, my own mind."

28 "Love of The Common Man" (Todd Rundgren)
The a cappella version of this is the best thing. Either way, it's a brilliant song, and despite its softly sad undertones I can't ever be upset when listening to it. Everyone needs love, and we can't ignore that, or put it off. I'd say this song really fits me. "But it won't take long to turn your head around. Too late tomorrow, 'cause everyone needs the love of the common man."

29 "Know Thyself!" (SEGA)
My muse's theme song. It's a driving, orchestral anthem that rings with determined energy-- the perfect music for the penultimate boss! I'm almost glad this didn't get put in the game, because now I can imagine whatever I like to go with it. It's just that awesome.

30 "Can't Smile Without You" (Barry Manilow)
This was my absolute favorite song as a child. Not only is the lilting melody simply lovely, but the lyrics are completely true in their empathy. In a weird way I think I have this song to thank for how I view relationships-- it kept me from ever treating them lightly. "You see I feel sad when you're sad, I feel glad when you're glad. If you only knew what I'm going through, I just can't smile without you."

31 "Xenon" (Tomoyuki Uchida)
This song is so catchy! I first heard it in a Newgrounds flash and immediately went and got a copy of it. It makes me think of fast-paced futuristic cities and bright horizons. Kind of like Sonic! But its impossible to be in a bad mood when listening to this song, as it just picks you right up and makes you want to start running free too.

32 "Celebi's Revival" (Pokemon)
You all know how much I love Celebi, so this one's a no-brainer. It's an absolutely beautiful piece of music and it captures the peaceful but victorious joy of this song perfectly. The Pokemon soundtracks always have gorgeous music and this is no exception!

33 "Ink" (Cubbiebear)
This song is pretty much the story of my life. I don't remember how I found it, but I swear, it is talking about me. It has an almost frantic but understated burn, like running through city streets at 2AM, and although some parts scream with purpose, the song never loses its haunting purpose. "My anxiety forces lying sprees to cover up who I am, 'cause I don't lie to others just myself I don't feel like a real man. I got youth problems, I'm stubborn, I try to fit in other people's molds, to the point I can't be myself and every love I felt feels old..."

34 "Difficult To Say" (Eriko Imura)
Ah, Klonoa. That game will never ever get old to me, and this song captures the sound of why. It's short and sweet, but there is such a deep nostalgic sorrow to its echoes. Plus, if you've ever played the game, then you know when you first hear this song... I won't ever forget that last adventure either.

35 "Emily's Smile" (Commix)
I first learned of this song through a 'Metal Gear' spoof, but hey, they say God works in some pretty mysterious ways. As soon as I heard that ringing bass, I was caught! Seriously, get in your car, put this on, and just sit back. There's a sort of magic in this song and I just love it.

36 "Gran Torino" (Jamie Cullum)
I've never seen this movie, but as soon as I heard this version of the theme, I couldn't stop listening to it. It's delicate and sad, but so beautiful, like snowflakes or falling leaves. "Gentle now a tender breeze blows, whispers through the Gran Torino, whistling another tired song."

37 "All These Things That I've Done" (The Killers)
I love this song so much. I don't know how to explain the feeling it gives me, but it feels like redemption and damnation and heartbroken resolve all at the same time. "I wanna stand up, I wanna let go. You know, you know - no you don't, you don't. I wanna shine on in the hearts of men, I wanna mean it from the back of my broken hand." It's like an anthem for my life, almost.

38 "This River Is Wild" (The Killers)
For some reason this song tends to bring me to tears. To me, it sounds like looking back on a life lived too quickly, never really realizing what you had until it was gone... and trying to help others after you notice that beauty before they're too far gone themselves. "Or should I get along with myself? I never did get along with everybody else. I've been trying hard to do whats right. But you know I could stay here all night..." 

39 "The World We Live In" (The Killers)
I really like the sound of this one. I like the concept even more though. It's the song of someone who has seen too much but who still hasn't lost hope, and won't stop smiling even in the bad times. "This is the world that we live in, I can't take blame for two. This is the world that we live in, and maybe we'll make it through."

40 "You Only Live Twice" (John Barry)
Yes, this is a James Bond ending theme, but it's lovely. I love that weird buzzing melody in there, and the deep string section in the back, but the strange progression of chords is what I like best. It feels almost dreamlike, which is perfect. "You only live twice, or so it seems. One for yourself and one for your dreams." How true!

41 "I'm Shakin'" (Rooney)
This song has quite a fun history. I first heard it on the radio while doing homework one night, and actually had to stop for a few minutes because this song was so great! Yes, the lyrics can be disconcerting, but the upbeat mood of the song is a strangely fitting compliment. "I'm supposed to feel better, this nightmare is supposed to end. I am holding on, I am holding on..." 

42 "Brothers Forever..." (Jimmy Theed)
Oh how I love this song. It's incredibly sad, to the point where it can completely flip your mood around to match. It's actually a funeral piece, so that is to be expected, but really-- it is heartwrenching. And despite its somber, sorrowful tones, it really is a beautiful song.

43 "Almost Forgot Myself" (The Doves)
This song makes me think of Selph for some reason, probably because of his past. It's terribly sad but the mood is still glowy, and the piano/organ parts are just beautiful. It's broken but it's still trying to look up. "So close, you're wasted again. I know, somehow, I lost myself again..."

44 "Micro Cuts" (Muse)
I absolutely adore Matthew Bellamy's falsetto--it's absolutely brilliant-- and this song shows it off better than anything. This song shivers with a crazy energy and haunts you for hours... but it also has some amazing (and very personally symbolic) lyrics: "I've seen what you're doing to me; destroying puppet strings to our souls!"

45 "Chip Off The Block" (Ima Robot)
This song really resonates with me. I find it terribly sad, but it also makes me think. "Your life's a waste like mine, I know you don't care at all. But what if right before the end we quit? Now why don't we just stop before we die?" I don't know what else I could say about it, but it means a lot to me.

46 "12=3" (Ima Robot)
I first found this song on 052508, literally while I was writing a very stressed-out IJ entry. It's not only fantastically energetic and catchy, but the lyrics are freaking brilliant... "A line around gravity, spiritual individual, corrosion and humanity-- the mathematics of love and the science of sanity!" It's one of those songs I never get tired of.

47 "Influtusa" (Erast)
For some reason, this is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. I found it through one of my obsessive cyberpunk searches, and I am eternally glad I did. It's instrumental, sure, but it fills my head with echoes better than any other song has ever done...

48 "Original Of The Species" (U2)
Celebi's song. No lie! I first heard this song during a Celebi obsession phase, and for some reason I just linked the two together. The orchestration is beautiful, and it rings in my head for hours... I love the lyrics to pieces, though. "Please stay a child somewhere in your heart!"

49 "Left Behind" (Aqualung)
I actually first heard this song on my workplace radio station, and for 3 years I thought it was U2-- so, for 3 years, I couldn't find it! I finally got it late last year, and I love it. What completely caught me when I first heard it, though, were the lyrics-- "Why are you leaving me now? There must be some doubt in your mind. Can't you open your heart? Don't want to be left behind..."

50 "Black And White Town" (The Doves)
I got this song off my brother's old file-sharing program in 07, as I had just discovered the Doves and wanted an idea of what the rest of their music sounded like (this was before I had iTunes). Well, I found this one at random, and when I hit play-- no lie-- my eyes watered up. It was that freaking beautiful. I love the lyrics as well: "Here comes the action, here it comes at last. Lord, give me reaction... Lord, give me your chance." Also, random trivia, I loop this song whenever I play Sonic 360. It fits Soleanna perfectly, haha! To this day, I can't get enough of it.

51 "Ao no Ether" (Megumi Nakajima)
This song is both very beautiful and very sad, both in the sound and the lyrics. Megumi has a gorgeous voice, and it rings over the quiet melody like sunlight in the rain. I absolutely love this song, and listen to it all the time when the day gets dark. I usually end up lost in it.

52 "The King" (Hard-Fi)
This song will forever make me think of my sister. That's all I can say about it. I hope that you found love...

53 "Doctor Wu" (Steely Dan)
I've been a fan of this group since my childhood, and this is my favorite song of theirs. I like the style of it, and I love the chords at the end of each verse. It's just lovely! "All night long we would sing that stupid song, and every word we sang I knew was true." Plus Donald Fagen has a great voice and I always enjoy hearing him sing, so bonus points there. 

54 "Mister Blue Sky" (Electric Light Orchestra)
This song should NOT be #54, but at least it's on the list! Honestly, as a kid, this was my all-time favorite song, hands down. It's still in my top 5 to this day. Also, to quote a fellow  listener on last.fm-- this song "nullifies road rage." Heck, it nullifies any and every bad mood, ever. Lastly, this song inspired the creation of dark-velox's character of the same name, which gives ELO a huge amount of bonus points. As the song says, "Hey there Mister Blue, we're so pleased to be with you!"

55 "Bluebird" (Electric Light Orchestra)
The day I got ELO's Secret Messages album, where this is from, I put it on my portable CD player and walked around outside listening to it. When the chorus for this song came on, I stopped dead, completely fascinated by the sound of it. "It makes me feel so sad to think what I might've had..." It baffles me how this song isn't more well-known, because it is amazing. 

56 "Move On Now" (Hard-Fi)
Hard-Fi isn't known for their quiet songs, but this one deserves definite recognition. It is perfect early-morning music, sounding like a lonely sunrise or a cold starry night. The sparse instruments and delicateness of the vocals combine to make an absolute little gem that I will never tire of. "Red light blinking in the twilight, tracing out a path right out of here and now..."

57 "All Star" (Smash Mouth)
"Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed!" Put quite simply, this song is not only freaking awesome and feel-good, but it was the second track on the metaphoric OST of my childhood (Bluesky was #1!). Seriously. As a result, I love it.

58 "Allegro ma non tanto" (Sergei Rachmaninoff)
You heard me, Rachmaninoff is on this list. Get the song, listen from 3:54 to 6:27, and tell me that's not absolutely gorgeous. You can't. Bonus trivia, I had this song on loop for hours as I was coloring/ drawing the last three Puremaren. It's that good.

59 "Face To Face" (Daft Punk)
The sounds in this one are delicious. Really, listen to the electronic awesomeness in this song! The vocal snippets and guitar-like accents just sound so great together. "It's amazing what you'll find face to face!" It makes you want to get up and dance! 

60 "Love of the Loveless" (The Eels)
I have to thank my old friend TwistedSmile for introducing me to this one. I used "loving the loveless" as my personal quote for a while without knowing this song existed, but after he told me about it, I temporarily adopted it as a theme song of sorts. "If there's a god up there, something above, God shine your light down here. Shine on the love." Hey, it fits me pretty darn well!

61 "Peace and Tranquility" (ABC)
This song is lovely and fits its title quite well. It has this wonderfully happy sparkle to it, but it's still peaceful. Kind of like smiling at a clear sky. And thanks to the lyrics, it also reminds me of Chaos, ironically enough. "I find my smile with you in the vicinity. It drives me wild; I'm thankful for the world you give me." I'll be your peace if you'll be mine!

62 "The Moment I Said It" (Imogen Heap)
This song makes me think of my Oneircia series. Not only did I listen to Imogen Heap on loop the entire time I was finishing the core plot development last year, but I never realized just how fitting the song was to the story. It's haunting, oddly unsettling, and sounds totally otherworldly. And the lyrics go without saying: "Now sleep, I promise, it'll all seem better somehow, in time..."

63 "Oracion" (Shinji Miyazaki)
Probably the most easily understandable reason why I will always love Pokemon. This song is 3 minutes of pure beauty. I'm one of many Pokemon fans to admit that they got teary-eyed when they first heard this piece in the 10th movie, and once you've heard this song, you will understand exactly why. 

64 "The Whole New World" (Phantasy Star Online)
I have dubbed this song my musical drug, as I literally get shivers every time i listen to it. I first heard it in 2004 (shortly after I was introduced to NiGHTS), and it literally blew me away. I thought it was one of the most beautiful songs I'd ever heard-- I once played it on loop for about 3 hours on a car trip, nowhere to lie. The orchestration is gorgeous, and it's deservingly one of my all-time favorite songs.

65 "SONIC DRIVE!" (Sonic X)
Classic. I cannot listen to this song without immediately grinning like a maniac and bursting into song-- because yes, I actually memorized the Japanese lyrics to it because why not? It's stupidly awesome and upbeat, and can lift my mood immediately on any down day. Throw away the boredom, and just start running!!

66 "Surrender" (Billy Talent)
I'm used to unrequited love, and this song sums it up. There's a certain girl I loved in my childhood, but she was one of my closest friends and I knew that was all I ever had a chance of being. "She'll never know how much she means to me, I'd play the game but I'm the referee." To this day I'm still wishing I could tell her.

67 "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" (Kenny G)
There is a very significant and strange reason why this specific song is on this list. Around Christmas of 2005, I was sitting on the living room couch just listening to it on loop-- this arrangement is simply stunning-- and suddenly a huge Dream World plot twist went down. So it is permanently tied to that event for me, but even standing alone, this is the best version of this song I have ever heard.

68 "Pokemon World" (Youngstown)
Yeah. I still love this song. It's too freaking catchy.

69 "Amrita" (Yui Makino)
This song is beautiful enough on its own, but it has a flipside: back when I used to fill out music memes, this one got tagged to Chaos and I. So I looked up the lyrics... and they fit us far too well. "When the silver rain falls, think of it as me..." Needless to say, this song means more to me than it seems.

70 "Hide In Your Shell" (Supertramp)
This was another one of my favorite songs as a child. Once again, the lyrics are absolutely brilliant, but what I love most about this song is how the chorus sounds in comparison to the rest of it. It absolutely soars! "Well, let me show you the nearest signpost to get your heart back and on the road!" Sometimes it even brings me to tears with how beautiful it sounds in its own way, I'll admit that. 

71 "When We Reach You ~ Could It Be Right?" (Sonic CD)
Honestly, I love this song. That fact is made even truer by the fact that whoever sings the opening sounds almost exactly like Chaos Zero. I'm serious. But either way, this song is too awesome not to love. It's upbeat, energizing, and has a great melody. Sonic music is always brilliant!

72 "Jojoushi" (L'Arc~En~Ciel)
I cannot describe how much I love this song. The melody is perfect, it really is... but the lyrics hurt. Why? Because thanks to them, I consider this song to be the 'theme' for Chaos and I. "If this is just a dream, then let it be a dream. I don't care. My heart, filled with loving radiance, is forever thinking of you..." 

73 "Mezase Pokemon Master" (Rica Matsumoto)
Oh what memories this song has! I first found it as a file titled "japtheme.mp3" on an old Geocities Pokemon site, and as soon as I heard it, it became my favorite song for several years. I didn't think theme songs could be so awesome! To this day, this song makes me think of Pokemon's glory days around the turn of the century, and how much it brightened my life then.
 
74 "Singin' In The Rain" (Mint Royale)
I can't remember how I found this song either, but I was hooked immediately. It's one of those songs that is just so ridiculously happy that you can't sit still when listening to it. The fact that it's a dance remix of an old classic is even better!

75 "Love At First Sight" (Kylie Minogue)
I heard this song in a Newgrounds flash on Valentine's day, and it immediately became one of my faves. I absolutely love the idea behind the lyrics, sure, but the sound is what takes the cake. It's so freaking sparkly, with a great rhythm, and Kylie's voice is adorable. Love at first listen is more like it!


That's all for now!
 

 


prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

 

I felt like typing, so here you go.

I saw Watchmen twice already this week… would have been three times had I worked up the nerve to go on Tuesday.
Regardless… I was surprised.
Not at the translation to the silver screen, not at the casting, not at the special effects…but at my reaction.

I broke down and sobbed when Rorschach died in the novel. I’ll admit that.
It’s cruelly hard for me to cry unless something catches me off guard, you know. I knew he was going to die, but I didn’t expect him to go out like a martyr… for him to go out like I want to.
That gave him solid honorary hero status in my heart, as if his empathetically sad past and sadly twisted want for justice weren’t enough for me to love the guy already.

Then the question hit me.
I know he dies at the end… I’ve read the book many times already, and I’ve reviewed the scene in my mind on just as many occasions.
And yet, how will it be in the theater? Will it hurt more? Will it hurt less? Will I still cry? Will I still care?

When Rorschach declared to the world watching him that he would never compromise, I was surprised to feel sheer panic surge through my chest. I knew what was about to happen, but that didn’t mean I wanted it to happen.
He stepped outside and Manhattan followed… I remembered my naïve little prayer from July. Don’t kill Rorschach, please…
I was soft then… still a kid. I hadn’t donned my own inkface at that time.
But now, in March 2009, even though I’m now as much a broken vigilante as he is, I felt that unadulterated pain again as he stepped into the snow.

His eyes broke my heart.
The moment he took off that mask and I saw the tears on his uncompromising face, I swear my expression must have matched his.
In those last moments onscreen, I felt the exact same fear, panic, desperation, and empathy that I did on that night back in July.
Who am I kidding? I felt love, damn it. In spite of my hard exterior and hidden face, I loved that broken hero, but hearing his voice break like that just tore me apart.

The snow turned red.
Nite Owl screamed what I was secretly feeling.

The panic was gone, replaced by a helpless emptiness.
I couldn’t have saved him. I couldn’t have done anything to prevent it.
I didn’t even know if stepping in front of my fedora-donning friend would have been for the better, and that left me feeling sick and weak.
I hate feeling weak.

The credits rolled on my redhead’s words and I watched for Jackie’s name in the lineup.
I swear, that man is such a sweetheart… there’s an unmistakable softness in his face that transferred to Rorschach in an absolutely incomparable way.
No one could have played the part better.

I picked up my battered hat and swung my coat around my shoulders, giving a vague silhouette of my favorite twisted hero.
If anyone had glanced upon my face on Monday, I don’t know what they would have seen… maybe nothing, maybe everything.
I drove home in the dark and every song mourned Antarctica. My voice shattered like snowflakes when I tried to join them.

I pulled into my driveway and two tears fell from my tired eyes.
Took long enough.

Wednesday was different.
The emptiness lingered.
I tried to cry again… tried to get the empathy to burn a little more, but I couldn’t do it.
The terrible sorrow that hits you the first time quickly turns into a terrible ache.

Still, every time I see his green eyes fill with tears, my own do the same.

And yet it means so much to me that we both can still feel.

 


 

 

Cruel loop

Feb. 28th, 2009 05:46 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
Still stuck in a loop, that I am.
This is making me sick. I'm so tired of coming on here and complaining, but for the love of sanity, I need to say this somehow.


I try ridiculously hard to live right and improve who I am, you know. Ironically, that's almost impossible in my current state of affairs, so I always end up taking one step forward and twelve steps back. I'm completely lost again, and it's not even a good kind of lost.

So I'm still lost...
Still scrounging money together for college...
Still panicking because my job just CUT MAJOR HOURS because of 'slow business,' so now I'm only getting about $75 a week...
Still wondering how in the world I'm going to find another job to fit in my schedule...
Still worrying myself sick over how I'm going to support myself and an apartment/ dorm/ whatever as soon as I get out of here...
And that's not even half of it!

On top of all that, I've been bingeing, abusing, and not getting much sleep. What a selfish moron I've turned into, huh?
I really make myself sick nowadays.

My mother apparently found a psychologist in the area who is "brutally no-nonsense" in her ways of dealing with patients.
On one hand, I don't want to see her because I already know I'm a simpering jerk most of the time, and having yet another person tell me that to my face isn't going to help much of anything except self-loathing.
On the other hand, she might remind me of Laurie. Unfortunately, psychologists aren't allowed to become emotionally mixed up with patients, so no therapist is ever going to be 100% Laurie... but hey. I seem to be looking for even more stress and pain than ever nowadays, so it might help.

About that stupid addiction of mine... well, it's a Johnny thing. A simple "re-routing" so to speak.
I'm actually looking for energy... for some sort of physical exertion or excitement that will make me feel like I'm actually doing something productive.
Despite my silent and rather introverted persona, my personality hasn't changed since I was about 6 years old, no kidding.
In photos and memories from back then, I was a terribly energetic, don't-hold-me-back, creatively overloaded spitfire that ran instead of walked and spent 80% of her time drawing.
Inside, I'm still that crazy kid. I'm still addicted to energy and activity, I need freedom, I'm still bursting with ideas and I still hate staying in one spot for too long.
Unfortunately, now I have no outlets. I'm no longer a kid... I don't get those exceptions and allowances anymore.
Now, I constantly feel as if I'm about to explode. I'm horribly stressed out because I feel like my life is passing me by and I'm not doing anything-- so stressed, that it drives me to tears almost daily now.
I've become so desperate for some sort of agitation that I keep slipping back into the childhood self-abuse phase. I don't want to, but those lyrics still ring inescapably true... I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.

I spent about 30 solid minutes today just apologizing to the man upstairs and practically begging for some clarity, some extra bit of guidance to help me realize what the hell I should be doing instead of just sitting around and wishing for tomorrow.


And I still have that painfully debilitating problem where I'm afraid to get close to people I admire/ care about!
I'm sick of that, too. Even now that I actually have a CHANCE to make connections with the people I look up to, I hesitate.
I'm going to lose them, all of them, and then what good is my fear going to do anyone?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.



All this introspection has also made me realize a little something.
You know how I'm constantly getting deeply attached to all these 'fictional' characters? Chaos, Davy, Rorschach, Johnny C...
It seems to me that I see quite a few of them as having a terrible but vital part of my personality.
Let's run down the list, shall we?
Bakura has my fear of getting close to people because of my 'darker' traits.
Marik has my sometimes-destructive need to have some huge significance in life.
Chaos has my 'Perfection' curse.
Selph has my vivid fear of being forgotten.
Davy has my lingering heartache from always losing the people I love dearly.
Barry has my obsessively destructive habits.
Johnny has my self-loathing, my internal conflicts, and my 'lost creativity' problem.
Rorschach has my retributivism tendencies.
And you know who else is on this crazy list?
Mister freaking Bluesky.
I'm a reckless wanderer at heart. I hate virtually nothing, and lets face it-- if you knew me back before late 2007, you'd remember that I was a major optimist and always seemed to cheer people up.
Unfortunately, after a sudden and unexpected run-in with some traumatic inner conflicts and family issues, my sky's been pretty overcast. But I hate letting people know that! I just smile and live my life anyway.
Man. I'm sorry, Velox, but when it comes to our dear Bluesky I have one word to say-- empathy.



But now I'm getting off topic.

I'm still stuck in a loop.
Sure, I've taken a hammer to it, but I swear... if I end up taking one more backwards step, I'm going to snap.


Here's to a brighter future, I guess.
prismaticbleed: (shatter)


SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL (CANNON)
  

 

Somewhere.

Yeah, that's how I feel right now.

What's up? Feeling down?

As usual, yes, and you know why.

Ahaha, guilt trip from being such a whore, I guess.

That and being a slacker. A selfish slacker, no less.

A selfish slacker who doesn't know what the heck "self control" means.

Hey, I'm trying, okay? It's not easy.

Says you.

It's not.

Don't give me that. You're just being lazy.

You think so?

Ignorant.

...Maybe you're right.

Don't give me 'maybe' either. I am right. So I heard you betrayed Selph the other day?

...

Heartless hypocrite.

I know, believe me but I know... I love him so much it hurts, and then I... seriously, Laur, I don't know what's gone wrong with me.

A lot, J. A hell of a lot.

You can say that again.

Vanilla Naivete.

What?

Vanilla. Your sister. I saw that smile when you noticed the upload.

...Why, is that a problem?

I just don't get how you can run all your life, and yet spend so much of that time trying desperately to find someone again. I thought you were running away from all of them, not towards them.

I... well, I was. I am. I just miss her too much.

Stay away.

What?

Stay away from her. In your current condition, you'd kill her or maim her or some equally fatal thing, and you know it. Forget Midas, you have the Thanatos touch, you whore.

Stop calling me that.

I'll stop calling you that when Julie stops raping you.

Hey, that was uncalled for--

You're what's uncalled for, J. Not me. I'm here because you want me here. This pitiful excuse for a human being that you've turned into was nobody's choice, and it sure wasn't what I wanted from you.

You're angry?

What the hell do you think? Shape up or ship out, that's what I told you! And what did you do? You threw that right back in my face, you whore. Said it was 'too tough.' Said it was 'undeserved.' And now look at you! You're being violated by that pigtailed slut every time you close your eyes! Listen to me. Either you stop being such an idiot and get to work for once, or I am not only going to disown you but I am going to have my way with your freaking mess of a physical body, and you know what I mean by that.

You'll cut me to ribbons.

Better than that, Jewel. I'll flat-out kill you.

Yeah, I figured that. I have to say I deserve it at this point.

What, you're just going to stand there and act like this is justice? How the hell blind are you? If you'd just FIGHT for once, instead of standing there and letting everyone else ruin your life and tear your self to shreds, maybe you wouldn't be in such a bloody mess right about now! Ever consider that?

Laurie, what do you want me to do? I'm listening, I know that I'm screwing up, but--

But what? But you're not getting anywhere? Don't be such a spineless coward. You don't give up easily... or do you?

I don't.

Then STOP betraying yourself and do the right thing for once! Listen, do I have to invite Karl into our headgang to help me with the physical abuse when you mess up like this? He doesn't love you like I do. He won't show you any mercy whatsoever.

I know he wouldn't, Laurie. ...You know, let me just tell you something while I'm thinking of it.

Yeah?

I AM trying to do better. God help me, but I am. You know how I collapse whenever Julie so much as looks at me the wrong way nowadays!

That's only because she's kicked your ass one too many times now.

It's more than one too many times, Laurie. Once would have been too many times, and she's treating me like a rag doll. I'm not her toy to abuse and push around, Laurie, and we both know that.

Then why the hell are you still letting her do that?

I'm trying to stop her, I really am. I swear I just want to end this.

But--

But I don't know how other than surgery. Believe me, I can feel your pain now, and I'm starting to add all sorts of extra influences and reminders to keep her away from me and to keep me in safe places, but I can't stay on the computer all my life and stay up until 2AM every morning just because I know she can't touch me then.

That's only because I'm louder then, and you can finally see.

I know. I know, I can see everything so terribly clearly in the mornings.

Then why don't you take that wisdom with you for the rest of the day?

I... I don't know. Honest to God, Laurie, I don't know. Life isn't easy. I don't have the money or means to kill her, let alone the time, but I'm doing the best with what I have now. Unfortunately, I'm also distracted cruelly easily, my self control is at an abysmal low, and I keep denying myself, thinking that somehow someone has a better idea than me.

They don't. Now shut the hell up and get back to drawing Karl.

Wait, Laurie. What's your suggestion to this situation?

Same as it always has been. Listen to me, pay attention, remember who you are, and don't let that floozy touch you under any circumstances.

I know... geez, but why is it so darn hard?

Life is hard. You said so yourself.

You think maybe God's keeping all this pain and trauma in my life to keep me on track? To make sure I don't get soft or forget things or take things for granted?

Possibly. He might be. After all, he's given you far too many things to keep you alive, too.

Far too many? Laurie, without a single one of them my connection to this life would fray a little more. I need each and every one of them.

Then maybe you do need all this pain, too. An offset. Some suffering of your own, to help you empathize and to keep you from becoming too much of an egocentric hellion.

Don't call me that, Laurie.

Are you even listening to me?


Yes, I am. And yes, I do need some suffering of my own after all the blood, sweat and tears I see every day in everyone else's eyes. I'm sick of being a painless human living in some stupid cushy house with all these luxuries and modern extravagances and all that junk. I do want some suffering, some pain, if only to prove to myself that yes I am alive, yes I am getting retribution for my wrongs, yes they are not the only ones suffering here.

You're a pain addict for all the right reasons, I think.

I'm not too sure if I'm really an addict, though. I mean, I flinch like crazy yet when you tear across me. It hurts, and I'm still too freaking weak to take it like a man.

Guys flinch, too, if you hurt them enough.

But I should be able to take more pain than that. I should be able to suffer a ton of pain without screaming or flinching like some damned dog with its tail between its legs.

Hey, and stop swearing, you jerk. That's my job, and you said you'd stop stealing me from myself.

...Oh. I'm sorry. I almost forgot about that.

You'd better not. You remember what happened the last time you did that?

Yeah. That wasn't good.

Neither is this. Now leave the negativity and swearwords to me, Jewel, and you go about your crazy empathic business and leave me the heck alone.

Wait, you mean like--

No, I mean like leaving me alone as in me. I want you to stop eating me. I don't want to die before you die.

...Oh. Honestly, I'm sorry.

And pay attention to what you're typing. I can't talk as slow as you type.

Yeah, you're right.

So, what were we talking about again?

My fighting with Julie, my missing my sister, my feeling absolutely terrible lately.

Huh. Yeah, I guess we were. Which one do you want to go back to?

Julie before anything else. I want that settled as much as we can right now.

Can we settle it any more?

...I don't know. Maybe. We can try.

Yoda is going to hate you.

Heheh, I know. But it's all I can do right now without taking unneccessary cuts out of my self-esteem. "Well, Julie kicked my ass today, but--"

Watch it.

Sorry. But you know what I mean. Saying I either won against Julie or I lost to her-- that doesn't exactly help. I need to say "I might have lost today, but God help me I didn't want to. If I had my choice I would have thrown her right out the window."

Picked up a knife, done the job myself...

I don't think I'm ready to go that far. It's not sterile, it's not safe, and it's not exactly what I'd call sane.

Who said you're sane at this point, Jewel? Look at you. You're a total mess.

And I'm getting eye twitches every day now. Just like Karl!

That's not good.

No, it's not. The last thing I want is to turn into Karl.

Personality-wise, you mean.

Oh, yes. Yes. I wouldn't mind having a body made of solid resin, I think.

You'd break within the first week and you know it.

Why?

You're not careful. That or you'd trip while you were running or something.

Is that metaphorical?

Might as well be.

Huh. Well, anything else you have to say about Julie?

Just one thing. You keep fighting that devil in pink, or I swear I am going to lose it for good.

Take my steering wheel, huh?

I might. I just might.

Well, I plan to keep fighting. I don't want to lose anymore, especially not with Rorschach right around the bend.

Hey, by the way, start that counter right now. Hurry up.

Done.

"Do it for Rorschach," eh?

Yeah. He'll be here on March 5th anyway, like you said, so that gives me a solid genuine deadline to work with.

Just don't go last minute like everything else, you neurotic.

I won't, Laurie. I can't. That would be suicide.

Thanatos.

That's you, not me.

Who's the one trying to be me?

Touche. Well, I'll stop. I'm watching my language, see?

You'd better. And the only time you're allowed to cut the crosses is when I'm in control.

I know. I wouldn't dare do otherwise.

All right, now time for your little sister.

Already?

Yes, you don't want to be on here all night, do you?

No, I have to get some sketching done and I need sleep.

Well, we have 40 minutes tops, so let's get going. Vanilla, right?

Vanilla Naivete, yes.

Gamboge Sacrifice.

I need to draw her sometime soon, I swear...

You're both foods.

Isn't that funny?

Yeah, I guess so. You two should pair up with Lime and Apricot, then, start an edible Gen club...

Oh gosh, don't even start. That's hilarious, though.

So, are you going to draw Gamboge?

Soon, yes. As soon as I get some OC work done and draw some LoT and IF contestants.

Survivor and Everafter, too?

Maybe. Whatever ones I followed madly.

I think that was Survivor and IF.

Yeah, whatever one introduced me to Cyril and Spoiler and Inverted. That started everything.

You have to draw Cailen stuff, too.

That I do, but let's get back on topic. Vickie.

Yep. Your little sister.

I don't know what to tell you though, Laurie. I miss her, sure, and I love her, but that's all I can say. I wish I hadn't taken her for granted.

Your biggest fault, right behind selfish distraction.

I know.

Seriously, though, if you're going to fave stamps and read finale entries, at least get your feet in the water first. Sit down and start drawing up your OCs and writing up their backstories, or you'll be nothing but a wannabe for the rest of your life. Oh, and do it after we're done talking, please.

My, but you're being polite for once.

I'm tired, all right? All this Julie talk is draining me, not to mention ticking me off.

But we were talking about my sister.

I know, but that doesn't change my point.

Well, can we finish?

Sure. Would you want to meet her again?

Who, Vickie?

Yeah, who else?

Well... actually, I don't know anymore. I'd love to be able to talk to her again and have that close friendship like the old days, but... it's like you said earlier. I'm scared, I'm disconnected, and frankly I'm afraid of hurting her in some way.

Huh. Yeah, sounds like you.

It hurts, though.

I know.

Huh... well, maybe once I draw Vanilla I'll get a little closer to that dream. I don't know. I hope so.

Well, try. And make sure you do it this time, instead of just saying so.

I will. I have to.

All right then, last topic. Karl.

What? I thought our last topic was--

Wait. Karl first.

Why?

You've been obsessing over him.

I have not. I just like his character, that's all. He's rather brilliant.

That's it?

That's it. I told you, I can't form those sort of connections any more. Davy, Grievous, heck, even Barry and Nightcrawler... those sort of links, I seem to have forgotten how to form them. Now I'm just too afraid to get close to people, because they always end up dying in some way. Always. There has never been an exception.

What, you want to link up with Karl?

No, not like that! Like I said, I think he's cool, but he's a freaking psychopath and I honestly wouldn't want him hanging around my head knowing that I'm at least physically human, albeit unfortunately.

Point.

Yeah. So that's it. Just admiration.

Anyone that comes even slightly close to the old school Links?

Um... I actually don't think so. No one's really triggering anything. Geez, maybe I'm even broken. I've screwed myself up far too much already.

How about Chaos and the guys?

Ryou, Marik, Chaos, Grievous, Davy, Barry, Godot, Nightcrawler, Midvalley, Rorschach, Kain, and Selph all have the exact same Links as they always have, although my bizarre mental maturing has made me ridiculously sober and I tend to keep my distance now.

Bogardus didn't do anything?

Oh, no. I like him a heck of a lot, but he didn't trigger any old-school stuff. Midvalley's only on there because I was so volatile back then, you know.

Then why is Kain on there?

Because I've had dreams about Kain, and not the one you're thinking of. I've grown to really care about him as an individual for some reason, so he's up there.

Shade?

Don't even go there. No, she's just a pal.

Haha, figured I'd ask. Just let me know if you change your mind about Karl.

Laurie. It's not going to happen, I'm serious.

And I'm just pulling your leg. I know you're not like that. Now, last topic. Emptiness.

That's what it was...

What, you forgot?

Yeah.

That's terribly ironic.

I know. I'm sorry.

Stop apologizing for every freaking thing you do, I swear.

I-- I know. I've been doing that for ages.

Yeah, you don't have to tell me. But seriously, what's with your problems now?

I just feel... drained. Kind of like how you do now, I guess. But it's been like this for over a year now, and it's progressively getting worse. It just feels like someone took a vacuum to my head and sucked out half of whatever was in there... it literally feels like I have a void stuck in me, and something huge is missing. I was thinking it's religion, as my family has seriously been slacking off the family religion thing, but I've been making up for that in small personal ways... I don't know. Maybe I need to try harder, as usual.

Maybe it's that and something else. Maybe something in particular is draining you.

Like what? People? Connections? I was thinking that too.

Maybe.

Why, what do you think?

Expectations. You're putting too much on your head and killing yourself before you get started.

What, like with all this art and music and homework and dreams that I have planned all at once?

Yes, exactly like that.

Huh.

That could be it, you know.

It could be, but... but then what's keeping me going? I need all those things, Laurie, to keep me alive. They're like my drug. If I don't have a running list of things to do and accomplish, I don't feel productive and then I start to panic.

Do you need that much, though? Hell, just your Dream World work is enough to last you a lifetime, and I mean that in the literal sense.

I know. They're entrusted me with a lot. But, God's also given me Hosea and Volt and Monika and Anu and everyone to look after.

Yeah, He sure expects a lot of you.

I don't want to let Him down, either.

Yeah, I know. Hm.

What's up?

Just thinking. I don't think that there really is anything you can let go.

In that sense, you mean?

In that sense, yes. Maybe some of the free projects and uneccessary stuff, but that's it...

Artwise?

Artwise.

Well, if I sit down and get those done, it will not only help me to improve, but it will also make me look a little less like a scheming git who makes promises and then never keeps them.

Yeah, you're right.

You agreed with every word there, didn't you?

Yes, I did. It's true, Jewel-- your mouth's making promises your body can't keep, and your mind is getting ticked off.

My superego, you mean.

Yeah, haha! You got me there, freak.

Hey, watch the mouth.

Eh, I'm just edgy. You're more unstable than ever and frankly, I don't like that one bit. I can't keep you together single-handedly.

I'm not asking you to.

No, you're forcing me to. Who else is going to stand around you 24/7 and do the things I do? Selph won't pick up a knife and go at you with it. Hell, Chaos won't even look at you the wrong way, and he hates when I cut you, even when you ask me to. Delphi won't bother with you, X has bigger concerns, Revenge doesn't have a vendetta against you, Jezreel could care less, Gehinom probably doesn't even know you exist. I'm the only one who cares enough to keep you under control when you snap, and I'm not afraid to use force to do so.

Am I really that bad sometimes?

Look at yourself, Jewel, and don't make me laugh. Yes, you really are that bad. Maybe even worse.

I wish I wasn't.

I know you do. But you really should get some sleep.

Oh geez, you're right. 1AM.

Keeps Julie quiet though, right?

Right... man, Laurie, I am so sick of what I've become...

Well, what do you expect me to do? I can't change you by force, that's still up to you and your free will, whatever's left of it.

And believe me, Laurie, I'm doing everything I can at the moment...

Are you sure?

What?

Seriously, look at the situation, Jewel. Is there something else you should be doing? Manage your time better, then maybe you wouldn't have so many regrets! Stop lying to people and making promises you can't keep! Stop compromising yourself, for heavens sakes! Start caring about what other people feel! Start taking responsibility for your actions, and start finishing what you started, no matter how long ago it was! The world is still waiting for Part Twelve, and I'm still waiting for you to change for the better.

...How long have you known me, Laurie?

Longer than you know, Jewel.

I can imagine...

Get to bed, kid. And do me a favor-- think about what I said. Figure out what the hell you're doing and do it, all right? I'm really sick of all this indecision, not to mention the whining, and so help me but I'm going to do all I can to help you with it. To hell with Julie, I'm the top headvoice here, and I intend to live up to that.

Glad you at least hold me in that much regard.

Hey, I don't disrespect you or anything. I just wish you'd do better.

We all do, Laurie. We all do.

You tired?

Mm-hmm.

Well, change the text and let's get moving. Karl's not going to wait, and neither will I.

What is with you and Karl all of a sudden? I think you like him.

Ahaha, I like his drive. Wish I was that nasty sometimes, maybe Julie'd be gone by now if I was.

Ditto that with me. Honestly, Laurie, I'm sorry for being a whiny emo kid all over again, and I'm sorry for apologizing like a shivering twit. I want to do better, I want to change my life, I've said that hundreds of times already-- heck, thousands at this point-- but I don't seem to be getting anywhere worthwhile at my current rate. I'm finding hints and suggestions, warnings and dangerous places, but I'm just not learning fast enough. I've made some horrible mistakes and I've found some good things. I've ruined some good things and I've failed to recognize the bad things until it's too late. I've royally screwed up my life and the lives of countless others already, I've hidden under false identities, I've changed my personality more times than Cher changes her hair and I still don't know what the heck I'm doing in this world. I'm glad I have you, Laurie, and I'm glad I have all the other people I have in my life-- yes, even Karl-- but I just don't seem to be progressing. Julie keeps screwing around with me, you keep getting ticked off and with good reason, Natalie keeps getting murdered and Lynne keeps fading away when I need her. We've at least killed off Brittany and Missy, not to mention that one nameless voice, before it was too late, but our biggest problems are still staring us in the face and although I know I have the power to stop them, I'm not sure what it is yet and I'm afraid I might be too weak to use it when the time comes. I can't do that. Laurie, I need to stand up for my rights as a human being for lack of a better term, and I need to stand up for my morals and beliefs and put my foot down right on the hand of blashpemy and immorality when they come crawling to my doorstep like the filthy dogs they frankly are. I'm sick of being corrupted, I'm sick of being used. I'm sick of being ravaged by shadows with red hands and glass eyes, I'm sick of hearing vicious voices in my ear that aren't mine, I'm sick of seeing demons in hallways and I'm sick of being afraid that I'm becoming one of them myself. I miss Preludove, I miss Azurai, I miss Devonal and I miss Zeebee and I miss Dakeep and I miss everyone that saved me back then and I don't meen that in the 'I haven't seen them in years' way. I mean that because I've been taking them for granted, I've been ignoring them when they need me most and when I need them most. I've been ignoring the most beautiful and important parts of myself, the parts of me that aren't physical and keep my heart alive, the small details and the emotions and the fragile aspects that define me as a person and give me a reason to live. Laurie, I've been ignoring them and I've been ignoring you and I've been ignoring Selph and God and everyone else that tries to help me and I don't even know why because it honestly feels like this isn't even my body anymore. Hell, I'm sick of having a body. If I had a choice, I'd overexpose myself to the Master Emerald, too, and just be an energy being for the rest of my life, and to hell with immortality. When we die we die together. But that's besides the point-- I want to be in control again. I want to kick these demons out of my head, I want to sweep the cobwebs out of my heart, I want to fill up this void in my mind and find what motivates me again. I want to tell my dreams to the world and inspire everyone I meet. I want to try harder and actually get somewhere. I want to kick Julie the hell out of my head, and I want you and I and Lynne and Natalie too to be the only ones left, just us and my headgang and my monsters and my worlds and God watching over us all, without a shadow in sight. Laurie, I want to be saved, and I want that to happen as soon as possible. I've had enough of being used by the corruption in this world, and I just want to be a light again. I want my salvation. I just want some salvation.

...Wow.

Sorry about the words. I just... had to write that. Couldn't help it.

No, it's... geez, Jewel. You haven't done that in ages. Thank you.

For what?

For letting yourself shine through for once! That's what I've been trying to get you to do for the past few years, and then here you go and bleed all over the page.

I bleed, therefore I am?

Possibly. Barry would be proud.

Meh, maybe. He's just happy chopping stuff.

Speaking of chopping, we'd better end this bloody thing.

In a minute.

In a-- why? It's already 1:17, come on.

Wait, I want to talk about taking things for granted.

Why?

Because. I just got another figurative slap in the face in that respect, although it was entirely unintentional.

What happened now?

Just... a small thing. But it hit me again, how I take people for granted.

Like your sister?

Like my sister... like Jimmy, and Ben, and Jacob. Like all my friends. Like Ammie.

Like Alexandria, and Cassandra, and Lyndzee, and Stephanie...

All right, now, that hurts a lot.

It's supposed to. You were young then, you didn't know, you didn't think. Now I want you to hurt for that, and learn your lesson as many times as you have to.

Oh please, Laurie, I'm tired of my Thanatos hands. I'm tired of figuratively killing off--

You're not killing them off, Jewel. Some of them just leave.

How many of them? Two? Think about it, Laur! I can't help but feel that I somehow played a rather major part in the sufferings of these people, and God help me but I don't even know how.

Then maybe you didn't. Your guys, their fates were written before you even saw their faces for the first time.

Still hurts.

I know.

It still hurts, because I just seem to know how to pick 'em, you notice? Freakin' Rorschach, I thought he would be okay, and then he just had to go and die like that and I ended up sobbing like an idiot in my living room for longer than I can remember.

You loved him.

You know what? Yeah, I did love him. Just like I loved Davy and Grievous and Barry and Godot. Hell, I even loved Nightcrawler when I first met him. I still do! I still love every one of those guys! Point is, Laurie, I love people far too easily, and then it's far too easy for me to hurt them, even if they don't even acknowledge me. Point is, I connect far too hard, and then when my strings start to tear at my heart I'm wondering why the hell I'm bleeding all over the walls! Tony Bennett knew what he was talking about when he wrote that song and I ended up hearing it in this crazy game of life-- I fall in love too easily, too genuinely, too fast, too unconditionally, too blindly, and then when the repurcussions start hitting, I don't know what to do. I take these people for granted-- family, friends, soulbonds, muses, everyone that ever meant anything to me-- and it doesn't hit me just how much they mean to me until it's too late! Damn it, Laurie, but I never even told my sister that I loved her until she was gone. Do you have any idea how much that breaks my heart?

I thought you didn't break, you glacier.

Oh, stop smiling, you know I don't. But I'm coming far too close these days, and I'm scared of what will happen when that last fracture hits a pressure point and I finally shatter.

Really, Jewel. Stop being a hypocrite.

Why, what did I say now?

When you were younger you were always talking about your broken heart, your shattered heart, your glass heart. Now you just say it's cracked and walk off like it's made of ice. How the hell could you cry if you were frozen on the inside?

You remember that dream I had last year. You remember what they said about me.

Powers of ice, soul of fire. Yeah. But the heart point still stands. What the hell happened there?

I don't know. I guess I was just too naive back then. Overreacted. But seriously, when I look back and think about all of it, I think that if my heart had really broken at least once, I would have reacted much stronger than I had to things. I've been cracked and shot at and held too tightly, yeah, but I haven't collapsed into a glimmering disaster of bloody shards. I almost have, several times, and lately I've been mentally shattering from the traumas I've been going through, but my heart's still holding together somehow.

Are you sure you're not naive now? What if you're like those people with heart attacks, and you've already had your heart broken several times now but never noticed?

I would have noticed.

Are you sure? There's never a guarantee, you know.

...That's true. I don't know, really. I don't think so, but... geez, I can't be sure.

S'okay. We're off topic anyway.

That we are. By the way, I'm sorry for taking you for granted too.

Huh? Why?

Because of what you said earlier-- much earlier. You care more than I realize, you help me more than I realize. I think I would have lost nearly every battle with Julie so far if you haven't been helping.

All right, now you're giving me too much credit. I'm not the only one upstairs who's aiding you in this.

Yeah, but who's been the biggest influence? Who's the reason Mofo and Bogardus are even keeping up the pep talks and crazy Baptist warning sermons? You are, Laurie, because not only are you brave enough and confident enough to stand up for the both of us and keep me walking straight, but you're nice enough to stay by my side even when I let you down and forget that you were never promised to me. I could lose you any day, just as easily as I lost Natalie, and I know you too well; you'd never return. Heck, look at me! I've been siphoning you for months without even realizing it, and half the time you don't even speak up, even though I know you're pissed off at me. Laurie, I don't want you to die. You remember that time with my psychiatrist.

Yeah, I remember that. I think that was proof that you weren't taking me for granted, though.

Well, that was the first time it hit me. I realized, "oh my gosh, if I lose her, what am I going to do?" I had never really considered the harsh reality of maybe losing you forever, and that hit me like a train of bricks.

With a grenade in it.

With five grenades in it, seriously. But I am sorry. I really should have spoken up sooner.

Nah, it's okay. Besides, I haven't said the same to you yet.

Really?

Really. I've told you why I'm here; I'm here to protect you, and I'm not doing that because it's my job or anything. I'm here because I'm part of you, but I stayed here because I care. I met you in that dream and I saved you from that hell because I knew you were a good person and I still do, no matter how many mistakes you make and how many times you lose. You always try, even if you don't succeed, and you care far too much for your own good. It ticks me off when you put yourself down every time I try to drag you back up, and I know my methods aren't the best but God knows they work, and that's what matters to me. I don't want to lose you either, all right? I'm your favorite headvoice, and so help me but I'm going to live up to that title if it kills me.

Don't go that far, Laurie.

Heheh... all right. If you say so.

Well, that was sudden.

What, the whole conversation?

Yeah. I think I needed that, though.

As did I. But you also need sleep.

Aw, geez. 2AM again.

Time to listen to stupid reggae, huh?

I could, but I'd much rather listen to this Debussy sonata and go to sleep with that in my head instead of some guy angsting over getting caught by the fuzz.

I bet Karl could play this violin solo.

I bet he could. I also bet he'd stab me if I tried to compliment him on it.

I am going to laugh so hard if you two hook up or something.

It'll never happen, Laurie. I swear.

Pinky swear?

Won't work no more.

Good, you got the reference.

Hey, violent knight on the edge of your knife.

Silent night for the rest of your life!

I'm getting chest pain again.

Well then, get the hell to bed, unless Karl just stabbed you. In that case, get your ass to an emergency room.

It might be a little hard to explain that I was stabbed by a statue.

It might be even harder to explain that your favorite headvoice just stabbed you because you wouldn't shut the hell up and get to bed.

Yeah, that might be tough. That's another reason why I don't bring you guys up to psychiatrists anymore; they just don't understand.

That's probably a major source of your problems, though. You need to talk about Julie.

Well geez, what am I supposed to say? "My stepsister mindrapes me every time I try to sleep?"

Not just you, either. And she's not your stepsister, thank God.

Well, it's easier to believe than "my headvoice does all this shit to me..."

Hey, watch the mouth, you spaz.

I love how we alternate that line. I just love how paradoxical we are.

Yeah, it's pretty funny. Blame Chaos for that nickname of yours, though.

Oh yes. Can't forget that.

But seriously, get to bed.

Wait, we need a good ending line first.

I got one. Go die in New Jersey.

Also, listen! I rattle!

*rattlerattlerattlerattlerattle*

All right, now that's just creepy.

Hey, headvoices get special creepy powers too. Now get the hell to bed before I stab you with my bird-knife.

All right, all right!


 

 

 

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (shatter)
I'm sick and tired of being such a self-concerned idiot.

I assume that everything is my problem alone, forgetting that there are people out there-- in my own family, damn it-- with horrible problems that I just ignore and overlook because I'm selfishly thinking that I'm such a special bastard that I'm the only one who has to suffer.

Well, wake up and smell the blood and gunpowder, dear. You're no scapegoat in this world.
I can do nothing to change that.


Laurie is freaking furious with me, too. I don't blame her... if I were in her position, I'd have done the exact same thing.
Why am I so weak?
God help me, I am so tired of this.

What do I need to do to finally be free? What do I need to sacrifice?
My money, my possessions, my pride? Take them, if it gets me out of this personal hell.
Problem is, none of that is going to solve that. I know.
I think I need to sacrifice something much bigger... or maybe, the answer is cruelly simple. Maybe.
Maybe I just need to keep trying. Maybe I just need to fight a little harder.
Maybe I just need to leave this place.


I guess I should be thankful that I'm not living in a warzone, living each day afraid of the next, knowing that any moment a bomb could hit or I could be captured or I could lose everything I'd ever known.
I've never known the feel of a real physical bullet. I've never tasted my own blood flooding my mouth in terror. I've never watched someone die in front of me.
My heart goes out to the poor souls who do live that sort of hellish reality, and when it comes back it's torn with broken bones and shrapnel and shards of glass and it tears me apart on the inside for being such a blind and selfish bastard.

I've wanted to be a martyr since I was a kid, but the more I see what's happening in the world and the more blood I see on the television and the deeper my empathy ironically gets at all the wrong times, the more frightened I get.
I feel like a little kid, shivering and crying because an unknown terror cloaked in shadows is holding an icy pistol to my forehead and I know it's only because I asked for it... because it's the only decent and dignified way to die.

I want to die for someone, for something good, for some purpose.
I know so many people pray for an easy, quick death... to die in their sleep, to quietly pass away on a sunny evening or something.
No sane person prays to die in a car crash, or in a hanging, or in front of a firing squad, or from ebola.
And yet I pray to be a martyr, even now.

Maybe I feel I have to prove something.
Will giving my life for something pure finally help to redeem me? Will it?
Am I that broken, that I feel the only way to be saved now is to completely surrender to what I feel is right?
They say there's never a guarantee that you're going to heaven... but I guess there's never a guarantee that you're going to hell, either.
It's scary because I always assume the worst. It takes a heavy toll on my personality, though.
Oh well. Gotta suck it up and take it like a man.


Swallow those needles, kid, it's either you or the next guy and you're at least willing to suffer for someone else's sake.


I'm terrified.
I dream of these things. I feel these things, and my body shivers and my eyes tear up and I hope that it won't be so horrifying when my time comes, but of course there are never any guarantees.



Since I was a little kid, I've always seen suffering, always seen symbols of pain. I don't know why.
I used to draw bloody pictures when I was in kindergarten, for the love of heaven. I've found several of them upstairs, dated by my mother and signed with that hideous scribble I called a name at age 5. God only knows why she kept them, but I'm glad she did.

I've found dream journals of mine from 1st grade, dreams in which I would turn into bats and eventually find myself skewered with needles and bleeding in the snow somewhere. I was fascinated with those dreams, and used to write about them all the time... my teacher literally thought I was crazy.

Second grade I took my little vow of celibacy. I was absolutely disgusted with the fact that my classmates were always swooning over N*Sync and Hanson and every other pretty boy out there, especially at their age (yes I used to think like that)... so disgusted, in fact, that one day I quite literally swore to myself that I would never marry, and that I would never fall for some older man like those other silly girls. Surprisingly, that's one of the few promises I've managed to keep.

Third grade was the Pokemon phenomenon, as well as the year I met Preludove. I was still seeing far too much violence in my mind. Sure, I would draw happy dreamlike scenes with the characters I loved, but five minutes later I'd be drawing that same character getting gorily eaten by some hideous nightmare monstrosity. I bet the teachers worried about me.

Fourth grade I got much closer to the Jewel Monsters, and that also kicked my obsession with spirituality and matters of the heart into high gear. I practically became a crazy kid philosopher back then, often locking myself in my room and sitting on my bed by the old bureau... thinking about the Dream World and wondering what life was like for everybody else. I began to draw several small comics, full of adventure and childhood happiness and an obvious amount of fighting. I spent most of my time lost in my imagination, spending entire afternoons having my Mewtwo plushie chase after the beams of sunlight on the living room rug.
Unfortunately, along with the imagination and wisdom came a deeper understanding of suffering. The Dream World was still reeling from war, you know, and I was quickly becoming caught up in it. Preludove almost died in the first dream I had of her, you know.

Fifth grade and my friends started leaving... the kids that made me smile began to disappear. I became ostracized when I couldn't fit in to the new cliques... I was frequently taken advantage of by the girls who used to be my closest companions. It hurt me terribly. I was still drawing and writing, but I admittedly don't remember most of fifth grade.

Sixth grade was the best year of my life. I had buried myself in the matters of the Dream World, and my Links had hit a beautifully high point. I spent some time every day either drawing them, writing about them, or composing music for them on my piano... they defined my life back then.
Don't forget about my darker side, though. 2001 was the last year before the breaking point in their world, and I was beginning to see the serious signs of it, although I didn't fully understand them at the time. I still spent a great deal of time writing about pain, though. Morbid fascination.

Everything started to fall to pieces in seventh grade. Something horribly dark and bloody happened in the Dream World, and I clearly remember standing alone in the hall of my school when the news hit me. Thank God I was alone, because I stopped right there and just thought it over for a minute. Of course, I still couldn't fully comprehend it, but it was enough to make me start seeing pain all over again.
I fell in love with both Bakura and Marik during that year (I still can't decide if that was good or bad), and also hit a horrible immaturity snag which caused me some terrible problems later on. I only had one person who I could call a friend then, and she even started abusing me... I was stupid and I betrayed her trust in return. I still don't know how I could have been so stupid.

Eighth grade was a mess. I fell in love with Chaos Zero then, triggering an entirely new philosophical vein in my mind. I was still writing about the Dream World, but my teenage stupidity was breaking my Links and I began to forget what was important. I began writing a completely un-canon document full of nothing but blood and pain, perhaps to unconsciously remind me that life wasn't all senseless fun.

Ninth grade... I don't even remember, and I suppose that's for the best. It was the typical high-school immaturity phase for me, and I began to turn into a total weeaboo. Dear heavens but I really despised that time in my life... the only real saving graces of that year were NiGHTS and Normandy, who both hit me out of the blue and managed to keep me somewhat connected to my heart.
Ironically, although I was losing my very self, my mother bought me the first issue of X1999 that year, so my unhealthy obsession with suffering only got worse.

Tenth grade was a little better, but not by much. I was still horribly immature, but Justice's brother showed up that same year so I quickly realized that I was doing things all wrong. Revenge was a major contribution to the suffering side of my personality... as was Selph, who I met the same year. Meeting Selph, though, and having to teach him everything he knew... it forced me to take a better look at who I was and how I was living, and I finally began to change. I'm very thankful for that.

Eleventh grade was mixed as well. I began to get rather anorexic, and made the huge mistake of practically ignoring Selph for about a year thanks to my idiotic selfishness. I began to hide from reality through my computer, which once again caused me a ton of pain in the long run. However, being the year I turned 16, I was trying exceptionally hard to re-connect with the Jewel Monsters. It worked surprisingly well; I met many more of them and began to regain quite a bit of my old inspiration.
The war in this world was also getting pretty bad, and my selfishness began to plummet as a result. That was actually a good thing, as my now dismal self-esteem was forcing me to super-evaluate myself now, and I began to experience some real suffering myself for once.
I got back together with Selph later that year, too.

Twelfth grade... geez. Bad year, very bad year. Family life began to go downhill for outside reasons, I fell into a severe depression, regressed into my teenage stupidity mode as a blind form of 'looking for relief.' Didn't work. I regret most of the things that happened during this year.
However, thanks to Philosophy and Psychology classes, I kept some of my maturity... and thanks to JTHM, the bloody edges of my mind got a heck of a lot bloodier. It was summer when everything finally hit me and I realized just how idiotic I had been acting for months... the stress of everything so far sent me into a downward spiral.

Freshman year at college, aka the present day. I won't review much of it here as it's tiring and you already know what happened... it's this journal, for the love of Pete.
However... not long after the fall semester started, I lost my mind. Literally.
I still refuse to talk about that incident to anyone, and I've forgotten half of it thanks to my mind's way of reacting to trauma... but what I do remember is frightening. Either way, that bizarre event shocked my system so badly that my hinges broke and I've been a shivering mess ever since.
I'm still smothering in my own misdeeds, but I'm trying desperately to get my Links back up as I'm afraid there one of the few things left with the power to keep me alive anymore. God gave me my connections for a damn good reason, and I know it.
My mind has begun to regress into a childlike state, too. I'm literally getting entire days where I can see things through my old eyes again, and during those times Laurie swears herself in as my big sister and promises that she'll protect me with her life.
I like that, because if Julie comes after me when I'm a kid upstairs, I get terribly scared and call for my violet superego, and she shows up every time. She's saved me many times that way, but something happened today where I called her but Julie actually chased her out or something... it's frightening me. I don't want her touching me, I don't even want her looking at me... can't I just lock her away like I used to when I was younger? Can't we just lock her up in that closet down the hallway and warn everyone not to go in there? But no... she won't sit still now. She can't be tied up now, and sometimes I just cry thinking about it.
I don't know what I've gotten myself into.


But yes. Suffering.
It went from a strange childhood obsession to an unintentional empathy to a personal understanding.
I don't mind, but... is there a reason that it's always been so present in my life, in one way or another? Is there a reason that I seem to seek it out, that I seem to gravitate to it and feel it when someone else is its victim?

I only know one thing, and that is this...

...I have so, so much more suffering ahead of me.

I'm terrified.



So selfish... I'm forgetting about everyone else.



I hope that one day I can see again.







Realign all the stars above my head
Warning signs travel far
I drink instead on my own

Oh, how I've known
The battle scars and worn out beds
Gentle now a tender breeze blows
Whispers through a Gran Torino
Whistling another tired song

Engines hum and bitter dreams grow
Heart locked in a Gran Torino
It beats a lonely rhythm all night long

These streets are old
They shine with the things I've known
And breaks through the trees
They're sparkling

Your world is nothing more than all the tiny things you've left behind

So tenderly
Your story is nothing more than what you see
Or what you've done or will become
Standing strong, do you belong in your skin,
Just wondering?

Gentle now a tender breeze blows
Whispers through the Gran Torino
Whistling another tired song

Engines hum and bitter dreams grow
A heart locked in a Gran Torino
It beats a lonely rhythm all night long

May I be so bold
And still need someone to hold
That shudders my skin
It's sparkling

Your world is nothing more than all the tiny things you've left behind...

 


 

 

prismaticbleed: (Default)
 

 

(none of this is canon, mind you, but it's hilarious and we've been quoting it for years so enjoy)

 


 

 

Jamesprower and Maddeningtruth both took this brilliant quiz, so I decided to jump on the crazy train too.


RULES
Choose 10 of your OC's or ten of your favorite people (like friends, family, celebrities, or anyone you think is cool.) However, you can't choose yourself.

I’m picking people that my watchers would recognize.
(Click for quick pictures.)


1: Corona
2: Delphi (Not my art, but it owns.)
3: Black Rose 209
4: Rika Starz
5: Hosea
6: Chaos 0 (Not my OC or art, unfortunately.)
7: Mirage
8: Preludove (Think of a white & blue anthro bat with feathered wings.)
9: Shredist 208
10: Selph

(I apologize for my terrible art, but I don't have any good art posted online yet.)


Here we go!


1) 4 invites 3 and 8 to dinner at their house. What happens?

Rika: Thanks for coming, girls. You like Italian?
Preludove: Uh… I appreciate the gesture, but I don’t have a digestive system.
Black Rose: I’d rather strangle myself than eat your damned spaghetti.

2) 9 tries to get 5 to go to a strip club.

Shred: Come on, man. Don’t you have a camera built into your head or something?
Hosea: I’m not leaving the house, you dirty rat.

3) You need to stay at a friends house for the night. Do you choose 1 or 6?

Corona: My dad has a Cathedral, you know…
Jewel: That would be tempting, if your dad didn’t want to stab my lungs.
Delphi: *dual chainsaws*
Corona: Then why don’t you just stay with that blue guy?
Chaos 0: Bird and the fish, kid. We’re screwed.
Jewel: Plus you’re homeless anyway.
Chaos 0: I know. T_T

4) 2 and 7 are making out. 10 walks in...Their reaction?

Mirage: Um… you can stop hugging me, daddy. I can’t feel my arms.
Delphi: Not until that sorry headcase over there gets good and jealous.
Selph: Fat chance, Delphi! My dad hugs me all the time.
*five minutes later*
Selph: Dad I need a hug. ;_;
Wizeman: *sigh*

5) 3 falls in love with 6. 8 is jealous. What happens?

Preludove: I think I have more experience with men than you do, Pinky!
Black Rose: Says the girl who is currently going steady with a homicidal maniac!
Preludove: At least I don’t abuse him like you do to Shredist!
Black Rose: What the hell—we are NOT a couple! You take that back or I’ll tear your fucking face off!
Preludove: Not unless you let me date the blue guy!
Chaos 0: This is so weird.

6) 4 jumps you in a dark alleyway. Who comes to your rescue? 10, 2 or 7?

Rika: DRAW ME NOW *rage-glomp*
Jewel: Wait wait wait I have to meet a deadline first!
Selph: Hey, let her go! She’s writing the storyline, isn’t that enough?
Delphi: Speaking of unfinished artwork…
Mirage: Dad, put the chainsaws down.


7) 1 decides to start a cooking show. 15 minutes later what is happening?

Corona: And that, viewers, is how you make Nightopian soufflé.
Audience: *applause and all that*
Delphi: I’m so proud. *to random guy next to him* That’s my daughter up there, you know.
Guy: Who the hell are you?
Delphi: Corona, cook him next.

8) 5 is in a car crash and is critically injured. What does 9 do?

Shredist: I swear, officer, I wasn’t driving the car.
Hosea: *on medical stretcher* YOU JUMPED INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE INTERSECTION, YOU MANIAC!
Shredist: Like I said, I’ve never touched a car in my life, honest to God.

9) 3 has to marry either 8,4 or 9. Who do they choose?

Rika: Black Rose and Shred-ist, sitting in a tree…
Preludove: K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
Black Rose: I swear, as soon as the ceremony is over, I’m going to brutally murder you two. Brutally.
Shredist: This is the best wedding ever.

10) 7 kidnaps 2 and demands something from 5 for 2's release. What is it?

Hosea: Wait, what?
Mirage: I said, either you teach me how to breakdance or my dad’s not leaving this house.
Hosea: But, um… why would I want him out of the house?
Delphi: I have all of your disco vinyls. Upstairs. In a box. And you can’t reach them.
Hosea: You manipulative son of a gun.

11) You get to meet either 1 or 6. Who do you choose?

Jewel: Heck yes. Time to introduce you to my mother, sweetheart.
Chaos 0: This is going to be awesome.
Corona: Oh, sure, everyone just ignore the Puremaren over here! *sulk*
Delphi: Want me to rev up the chainsaws, my daughter?
Corona: Please do.

12) 10 challenges 4 to a chariot race. Why?

Selph: Aha, but I bet you didn’t know that I was a chariot-racing champion back in the army!
Rika: What the heck are you talking about? And how in the world do you drive this thing?
Delphi: USE THE STICK SHIFT!

13) Everyone gangs up on 3. Does 3 have a chance in hell?

Black Rose: *spikes up her mohawk* It’s impaling time.

14) Everyone is invited to 2 and 10 wedding except for 8. How do they react?

Selph: THIS IS A NIGHTMARE. D8
Delphi: Nope, it’s not a nightmare until we get you into a dress.
Preludove: I am so glad I’m not seeing this.

15) Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Mirage: What's the matter, Chaos?
Chaos 0: Um, well... I'm kind of paranoid about your dad. He's creepier than 210, I swear.
Mirage: 210? Who's he?
210: I’m too sexy for this quiz, too sexy for this quiz, yes that’s how it is…
Delphi: *posing in a tuxedo*
Chaos 0: See what I mean?

16) 10 gathers everyone around to tell them a fairy tale. How does it go?

Selph: *takes out a script of "The Puremaren III"* I hope you guys haven’t heard this one?
Hosea: No, I don’t think I have.
Delphi: You know what? I heard that re-enactments are all the rage nowadays.

17) 1 arrives late for 2 and 10's wedding. What happens? And why are they late?

Delphi: Corona, where were you? I can’t get this insolent child to cooperate.
Corona: I’m really sorry dad, but I was busy securing the exits. And I brought the iron maiden like you wanted!
Delphi: That’s my darling girl!
Selph: God help me.

18) 5 and 9 get roaring drunk and end up at your house. What happens?

Hosea: *singing* I don’t want footshteps, following meeee!
Shredist: *falsetto solo* Foot-foot-FOOTSHTEPS!
Jewel: *dying from laughing too hard*
Chaos 0: I am so videotaping this.

19) 3, 8, 6 and 4 all go to the zoo for 8's birthday party. How does it go? What presents do they get 8?

Rika and Chaos: Happy 23rd, Preludove!
Black Rose: Whatever.
Rika: I got you a Nintendo Wii! Last one in the store!
Chaos 0: Gift cards… for EB Games!
Preludove: Wow, thanks, you guys! This is awesome stuff, but… why are we in a zoo?
Chaos 0: Because nasty purple punk-bats belong in cages.
Black Rose: You shut your trap, you mutant fairy, or we’re headed to the Smithsonian next.
Rika: Ouch.
Selph: You stole my joke! Joke stealer!

20) Everyone gets together and start protesting something outside of your house. What are they protesting? What do you do?

Corona, Black Rose and Shredist: EQUAL RIGHTS FOR VILLAINS!
Black Rose: I’m sick of all the happy endings!
Corona: Let US win for once!
Shredist: What she said!
Hosea: MORE DISCO ON YOUR PLAYLIST PLEASE.
Mirage, Selph and Rika: WE WANT ART AND WE WANT IT NOW! GET IT DONE, WE DON’T CARE HOW!
Chaos 0: DAMN IT SEGA I NEED A JOB. Oh wait, wrong rally. BUT STILL!
Preludove: WRITE PART TWELVE BEFORE MY BOYFRIEND STRANGLES YOU!
Vezerai: I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!
Delphi: THE CAKE IS A LIE.
Jewel: Why are you all on my lawn?

21) 9 murders 2's best friend. What does 2 do to get back at them?

Shredist: Apple core.
Delphi: Give me more.
Shredist: Who’s your friend?
Delphi: You.
Shredist: Damn it, that’s not good.
Delphi: *EAT*
Shredist: OH MY GOD!

22) 6 and 1 are in mortal danger. Only one of them can survive. Does 6 save or 1?

Chaos 0: Man, I hate these moral dilemmas.
Corona: What the hell are you talking about?
Chaos 0: Well, I don’t want to just ditch you to die, but I promised Jewel that I’d stop being so damn suicidal like this. I’m kind of stuck.
Corona: That’s nice to know, but I’m outta here either way. Later, loser!
Chaos 0: *sigh* I hate immortality.

23) Which one of them is most likely to fail at life?

Chaos 0: ME. *sob*
Corona: Oh, stop whining about that already.
Jewel: Actually, it’s quite the opposite. Corona, you’re living your life all wrong.
Corona: And YOU shut your mouth before I staple it shut!

24) 5 is trapped in a cave. 10 comes to rescue them. What happens?

Selph: Um… how did you get stuck in a cave if you’re a cyborg, Hosea?
Hosea: My Mapquest crashed while I was on lunch break.
Selph: Wait, seriously?
Hosea: No, seriously, I tripped. Now get me out of this pit before my iPod batteries die, man.

25) 3 starts a day camp. What happens?

Black Rose: All right, now all of you are twins, correct?
Kids: Yes, miss Rose!
Black Rose: Perfect…
Shredist: I don’t even want to know what you’re doing.

26) 4,6, and 7 are doing the Hokey-Pokey. 8 walks in. What happens?

Mirage: Um… so I put my left foot in now?…
Rika: What, you mean you’ve never heard this song?
Chaos 0: Rika, you hokey-pokey like a girl.
Rika: What else do you expect me to hokey-pokey like?
Preludove: Please tell me that at least one of you is drunk.
Chaos 0: No can do, sister!
Preludove: Oh well. *joins in*

27) 1 starts to write a fan-fiction where 9 and 10 are going out. What is 2's reaction?

Corona: So then, after Selph ditches his father and kills his brothers, he ends up in the Inversion dimension where he meets Shredist in a run-down bar on the wrong end of town…
Delphi: Keep writing. This is perfect blackmail material.

28) 7 makes an apple pie. Is it any good?

Rika: *takes a bite of the pie* Wow! Mirage, did you really make this?
Mirage: Mm-hmm. I got the recipe from my sister's cooking show.
Delphi: I can cook up a prizewinning fricassee if anybody cares.

29) 8 and 3 go camping. For some reason they forget to bring any food. What do they do?

Black Rose: What do you mean you forgot the food?
Preludove: I run on dream energy, not food! If you needed food then you should have brought it yourself. I can’t read your mind.
Black Rose: *growls* Unfortunately for you, I run on anything that can be considered edible.
Preludove: Why are you looking at me like that?

30) While they are camping, they run into The Blair Witch. What do they do? (If you haven't seen that movie pretend they ran into the Boogeyman or something like that instead.)

Candle Jack: *appears out of nowhere*
Preludove and Black Rose: DON’T TYPE HIS NA

31) The quiz is over. What does everyone go to do now?

Preludove: Well, back to my normal job, I guess.
Hosea: *puts on his headphones and dances off*
Rika: I’m back to fighting you guys, actually.
Black Rose: Hey, this situation isn’t our fault.
Shredist: If you want to beat up anyone, go beat up Sonic or something.
Selph: CHAOS SAVE ME FROM THESE LUNATICS! T_T
Chaos 0: No worries, buddy. Corona forgot to block off one of the back doors.
Corona: Where did that simpering has-been run off to now?
Mirage: Shouldn’t you just let him go?
Delphi: He jilted me. I will have my vengeance. *chainsaws*




Happy new year, kids.

 



 

 

Current Mood: Hopeful

 

Current Music: Oracion

 

 

 

 

 

126 AM

Dec. 29th, 2008 01:26 am
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

 

 


Well, first of all, I want to apologize for my incredibly strange entries as of late.
I guess it's just my attention problems kicking in... even so, I am sorry if I'm coming off as immature or spasmodic.

Let me just say what's on my mind right now.


1) I keep fluctuating between wanting to leave everything I know of the world behind and start over, or just struggling through it with what I have. I honestly don't know which is best, and I can't stop considering the other option. It's very upsetting.

2) Being up late like this. It's not helping my health or schedule, and now that I might be diabetic, the last thing I need is another medical problem. It's hard enough trying to stay in shape with all the stress on my head.

3) College bills as usual. I'm all panicky now as my aforementioned medical problems are causing me a ton of trouble in class... I'm having serious trouble learning as usual, but now it's on a cruelly grand scale.

4) I'm starting to forget my name as anything but a sound to react to, which scares me. I read that a human being will always retain their name somewhere in their memory despite all other losses, as it's their one true identification. Well, what does it mean if I honestly am not sure what my name is anymore?

5) Alice and Darkrai. I understand that I'm griping about personal pain and junk, but I can't get the whole A+D thing out of my head. Why? Because it hurts. Let me rant for a moment... even if you don't support their being in a relationship, you have to admit that yes, in the movie it's apparent that they honestly care for each other. But then, if you throw the slightest hint of a deeper connection into the fray, it suddenly becomes something terribly sad. And, if you know me, you'll know that I seem to be addicted to that sort of thing. I was listening to "I Will Be With You" all day today, and those lyrics just ached... but now that I've found an Internet clip of Oracion, I can use that for my daily dose of heartache instead. Honestly, forget all connection it has to that pairing... the music, in itself, literally hurts. It's beautiful, but it hurts. So I've been listening to that...

6) I seem to have taken both Laurie and Nightcrawler's words to heart, too. I've accepted the fact that, yes, my body is addicted to pain, but now I've actually started the "one for every sin" thing I considered a few months back. Yes, I'm beginning to give myself surface scars (which actually hurt a heck of a lot more than cuts) every time something major happens with Julie. It's tough fighting her, as she's my shadow and all... but I'm trying so hard. God help me, I don't want her touching me ever again, but the only way I know to keep her away is to slice another cross into my stomach. I wish there was another way I could see.

7) Deadlines. I have paid commissions to finish, music to write for my job, tons of personal projects to finish as always, work to do for class, bills to pay, et cetera... and then I wonder why I'm so stressed out, once I throw all that worry into a boiling cauldron and add my medical problems and family life into the mix. It burns me out so fast.

8) Friends. It's always been hard for me to make friends, ever since I was a child... but whenever I finally manage to, then I get to suffer the pain of losing them 90% of the time. That's not an exaggeration. Even now, when I think I've found the truest friends I'll ever meet, I'm terrified that they're going to fade away for some reason. I'm afraid that reason is me.


That's it for now... it's almost 2AM and I have an appointment at noon tomorrow, as usual. Can't miss that.

I'm going to try desperately to remix Oracion tomorrow... I need to somehow take this song into my heart and add something to it, if that's even possible.
I'll try.

I always try.

 



 

Current Music: "Oracion"

 

 

prismaticbleed: (amy)

 

You beat the competition in the last few seconds!

Now I just wait for the fluffy dude to be shipped in the mail.
*insert OOC fanboy squee here*
It's going to be awesome indeed.

I'm so happy. I was having an absolutely abysmal day up to this point, too.
I don't mind if my Christmas present is a few days late! At least I'm getting him!

Oh yes, and guess what else I snagged on Jesus' birthday (thanks Jesus you're an awesome dude for sharing your b-day)?

A WII.

It was awesome, yes it was.
That, and I finally got my Zune so now I can get back to exercising! Joy all around.

Bonus points, too-- I got the Darkrai movie on DVD!
I watched it today when my brothers weren't home to bother me, and let me tell you, it was quite awesome.
I would have liked a little more Darkrai action, but it was good! I'm going to watch it again tomorrow night while I bike.

Best line ever: "This garden is EVERYONE'S!"
Nice one, Darkrai. Nice one.

Oh yes, and being the empathic xenophile that I am, my mind seems to have latched onto the fandom concept of Alice+Darkrai like Victreebell latches onto James' head.
I don't know, it's just a cute idea. Alice is a total sweetheart, Darkrai's actually quite valiant... and there's already substantial evidence that Darkrai cares about her, even if it's only a reciprocation thing... and vice versa.
Ah, but no time to rant about that. I'm a total spaz with pairings like that (which is funny, as I typically never even bat an eye at pairings). I'll think about it for a few days yet and then I'll possibly do some fanart. You know it.
Actually, if I get a good idea and can empathize well enough with the characters, I'm pretty good with fanfiction.
I know, I know-- most fanfics you hear about are total OOC junk and/or are written by fangirls or hyperactive teens, but I do like the good fanfics. The fandoms can sure think of some amazingly good stuff if you give them a chance.
So, I'll get an idea and run with it. Might have to do some research first, but hey. It's fun.

But yes! Darkrai in the mail!
I hope that seller puts him in a box like Jirachi was, haha. It was so funny to open the box and see her all stuffed in there.
Man but she's cute. I have her sitting on my sketchbook right now!
My three huge plushies all have different fabric, too. Celebi has this "shorthair" kind of fuzz, which makes her terribly fluffy. Jirachi has the 'default' soft fur, nothing superplush but not textured like Celebi. Darkrai, however, seems to have that shiny sort of fabric, which is actually quite comfortable.
We'll see when I ninja-hug him out of his box.

How did I get into this rant?

Oh yes. eBay.

Told you I'd win him eventually!

 

 

Current Mood: very happy, paradoxically.

Current Music: Oracion

 

 

months

Dec. 22nd, 2008 04:44 am
prismaticbleed: (Default)



SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL (CANNON)

 

So we haven't spoken on here in months?

No, apparently not.

Dang. That's a long time. And a lot has been going on.

I know... more people in my head, more personality switches...

Fights with Julie.

Fights with Julie... too many of those.

This had better not turn into a full-blown entry.

No, I'm too tired, and it's already 4:30 AM. That, and I have to draw that anniversary picture for Tuesday, you know.

You're not going to be happy until you mention that in every journal of yours, are you.

I just want to get the word out, I guess. It's an unconscious thing. I'm not thinking too much right now.

Shoot, really?

Yeah.

Then get the heck to bed, Jewel. Seriously, Julie is going to hack you if you aren't careful.

She's not going to hack me, Laurie. There are too many people watching her right now.

What, like Bogardus and Chaos and Mofo? You forget, though, I'm the only one who can touch her.


You're not going anywhere, though... right?


No, I'm not, but if you're tired enough then I can't break through when she's there. Your mind is a freaking mess, remember.

I remember. By the way, we really need to get all of you together and just talk one day.

What do you mean, 'all of us?' You mean like Natalie and Lynne?

Yeah... and maybe Julie and Missy too, all of them...

Jewel, are you
insane? You can't just willingly let her in here! She'd start a living hell!

Not if I have enough people on the sidelines keeping her in control.

Oh, sure, and who the heck is going to stand around and watch her while all of us are having a conversation? If she decides to go primal on you, then you're screwed unless I do the same, and then what's going to happen to the conversation? Gone, down the drain. Out like a light. And I really don't want to expose Natalie to her either.

Natalie's seen her before.

Not that close. Not that dangerously close. I still think you shouldn't let her in.

What if she fights her way in?

Then I'll fight her the heck out. I'm not going to let her touch you.

Thanks, Laurie. Now I really should get some sleep.

Darn straight you should. You said you were staying up to get Darkrai on eBay, and five hours later you haven't moved. What the heck.

I honestly don't know. I guess it's one of those floating nights.


It's going to get much worse if you don't get your sorry ass into your room right now, sir.


All right, all right. I'll see you later, Laurie.

That you will, Jewel. That you will.

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (Default)


Dude I think this is my second favorite online journal that is publicly viewable.
Seriously. Visible icons, Sailor Moon mood theme, awesome background, easy interface... it's awesome.
My aqua journal is tops, of course, but this one's cool too!

Anyway.
I know I've been gone for a while... there's a good reason.
I've been running a lot, as usual. I've also been hiding, and trying to find myself again.

I've been catching happy little fragments of my childhood in butterfly nets and keeping them close to my heart.
I could have sworn I'd never find them again, but wha-la! Praise be to God, they were just around the corner. So I found a few of them again.
I don't want to lose this like I did when I first had it... I don't want to take it for granted. I need to appreciate and keep this little bit of joy, of simple happiness, of innocence and sunny weekend mornings and first snowfalls and Celebi cards and lined-paper comics and locking myself in my room and thinking about the Dream World in front of the mirror. Philosophizing in the third grade. I used to.

Now for an update on everything else.

Geez, was I ever an emo crazyhead back in May! Wow!
Looks like the early fall months were pretty darn bad, too.
Man. 2008 was just really rough for me, I guess.


Lynne and Natalie are back.
I'm so glad. They're both helping me very much.
I also invited Reverend Mofo and Bogardus into my headgang, and they accepted! So now I have a crazy monkey preacher and a Nohrin military gambler in my head helping me out. Awesome stuff.

Julie hasn't touched me in days, I think... I honestly can't remember, but it's been a while.
My mind has been desperately clawing to pieces every incident in which she tries to mindrape me, so I don't remember any of them. They happen, I guess, and then I'm so broken and/or traumatized from the self-disassociation that my mind just... eats itself.
It's scary.

Anyway. On that note.
Remember, way back in one of these journals (I think my LJ) that I said, "there are some things that I can't even talk to Chaos and Selph about?"
Well...they know.
No, I didn't tell them.
Chaos found out by accident, after getting into a fight with Laurie one too many times and she decided to fill him in on the graphic details of my mental hell.
I remember that evening, because he was in a serious state of shock for hours. He confronted me about it, too. "Why didn't you tell me she was doing this to you?" Furious, hurt, scared more than anything else. I felt the same.
So Chaos found out without my knowing... found out everything. Understood, knew everything.
It scared me, humiliated me at first to know that he now knew everything I had suffered at Julie's hands, but thank God he didn't condemn me or shoot me down or even shun me. No, he just focused his fury on Julie instead of Laurie, and every time that girl so much as looked at me maliciously he'd practically be at her throat.
It just offended him, I guess... both the fact that I hadn't spoken up about the abuse and the fact that she was abusing me like that in the first place.
But I am glad that he understands the most important thing.
I never wanted for any of that abuse to happen, and I still don't. He doesn't hold it against me, and I'm slowly learning not to hold it against me either.
Unfortunately, I do want Laurie's abuse when she gives it to me, and Chaos is still very distraught by that.
I'd stop, but... the pain keeps me sane. I need that shock, that icy burn, to keep my mind focused.
I just wish I could get it another way then handing the controls over to my resident violet maniac and letting her give me another scar.


Selph found out because he's around me all the time.
I let it slip, once. Selph was wondering why some evenings I'd suddenly spiral downwards into a horrible self-loathing fit, even when I was having a fantastic day up until that point. One day I was trying to explain without mentioning Julie, but I guess I said something that I shouldn't have because, before I realized it, Selph was screaming and crying "you mean she's the reason you're like this? Why didn't you tell me?" Same as Chaos. I trust them, I really do... but I didn't tell them this because I knew it would hurt.
Needless to say, I was forced to slowly fill Selph in on the details... slowly, painfully, as I had tried to keep him innocent where he wouldn't have to worry about this sort of thing. But he wanted to know... he didn't want to be blind to what I was going through.
Once he understood it all, Selph decided to go all out in keeping Julie away from me whenever possible, in whatever way he could.
Actually, I'm very thankful for that. All that painful admittance and all the fights it triggered... Selph and I have grown even closer together because of it all, despite the pain and confusion. We were virtually inseperable before, but geez.... look at us now.


So the fighting has subsided for now. Julie's gone MIA, thank God, so everyone outside of my main 4 is quieter than usual. I'm in a better mood that usual, too, as I've been dealing with this problem since last January and only recently have I begun to realize how to stop it.


On that note, with feeling better than usual...
Chaos and I are celebrating our 5th anniversary on Tuesday.

I know, I know, that's very unlike me. I have never been one to keep track of birthdays and anniversaries, let alone remember them.
But now, I'm looking back on memories and nothing has dates... it feels broken, disjointed. Like I want to catch it but it's just a filmy fragment and it keeps slipping through my fingers. So I'm trying to make these things a big deal... trying not to take them for granted.

I'm planning a ridiculously detailed picture for it, too. I won't give away any details now, but I've been planning this thing for months so I'm really looking forward to getting it done.
But seriously... my red and blue pencils are going to be dead when I'm done!


Well... I could keep on ranting about music and Pokemon and my childhood and eBay and Christmas and all that but it's already 3AM and I should really get to sleep.

Have a good night... and Merry Christmas, if I don't see you until then.

It was nice to see you again!

 


Dear Santa

Dec. 15th, 2008 07:17 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)



Dear Santa Claus/ Saint Nicholas/ Father Christmas/ etc.:

Heey, big guy. How's it been? Haven't seen you in almost a year, for heaven's sakes.

Anyway, figured I'd write you a letter. I know I haven't taken the time to do this since I was a kid (and I rarely did so then, either)... but I'm much older now, in many ways, and I figured it would be interesting to type something up regardless of my age.

I'd better warn you though, bud-- I type a heck of a lot.

You'll probably get the whole cookie shebang again, man. You know how mum loves to bake stuff, what with her sugar addiction and all! I'll be sure to leave a whole freaking plate out; just make sure you share! It's not healthy to eat that many sweet things, and I say that from (rather painful) experience.

Back to business, though. Christmas lists. For eeeverybody.

Let me think... Diamond would really, really like a Wii. He's been dying to play Brawl for ages! We'll just have to make sure he doesn't go all 'junkie' over it like he sometimes does. I think he needs something else to keep him happy, though. He only has his video games, and I'm glad they're helping, but... you know what I mean.

Ditto that with Viral! I'm not sure what he really wants... maybe some epically awesome stuff in WoW, aha. ^^ Try to snag him some if you can! Otherwise, just keep his friendships going strong, if you can. He has a ton of fun with those crazy kids, and I'm so glad to see him smiling again. I don't want him losing that if anyone can help it.

Lightning-man is another gift bugger. If you could get him some new software or some more memory for his computer so he can run his emulators, I think that would work. As for needs, Blase needs some true friends and he needs my mother to really lay off the harsh comments and biting ridicule. I know how that feels, and I can see how badly it's hurting him. So give him a little extra boost of self-confidence if you can. He needs it.

Now for the mom. Um... if you could help her pay off her bills and help her finally get her own house, that would mean worlds to her, I'm sure. Also, I don't know if you can help with the whole 'dad's not paying enough child support' thing, but if you can then please do. Money's horribly tight, and I know she worries about that far more than the healthy amount.

Plus, if you could get her a few days off from work so she can sleep and/or shop and/or go somewhere with her girlfriends, I think she can use that too.

Grandparents... huh. If you could help fix our car and some of the busted-up machinery around the house, that would help my grandfather immensely (that, and if you could somehow get the furnace to stop going out!). Also, get him a hearing aid or something, but keep it secret... his hearing is going, but he's too proud to admit it most of the time.

My grandmother could definitely use a day off, I think! She's always working around the house, and I feel bad that I'm never home to help. For needs, I know for a fact that if you could somehow get her sister to stop legally assailing our family, that would be the biggest relief I can imagine for her and the rest of us. I'm rather sick of all these property wars and blackmail and scandals and extra bills, and I'm not the only one. Oh yes, and if you could let her win at least some part of the lottery for once, that would be greatly appreciated!

Put a word in to God to keep them both healthy, too. All the stress and worry is beginning to really hurt them, plus they're already up in age. I don't want to lose them anytime soon, if that can be helped. Please try.

Dad. I don't get to see him much now, and I never really did, but... whatever he really needs for Christmas, please try and give that to him. Actually... if you could get him to stop smoking and binge-drinking, I think that would help him the most in the long run. I worry about my father, even though the rest of my family wishes him ill. It would be nice if that stopped, too.

Lynne could use a nice Christmas dress and a peaceful evening where no one is fighting... Natalie could use the same, but I think she wants a pet or something to keep her company. Don't know why! But yeah, if you could get her a little mirror-dog then that would be great. Keep her smiling.

Laurie could use some more weapons, and if you could lace them with ice this time then-- oh, sorry. You probably can't go wrapping those up in bows and paper, right? My apologies! Figured I'd put a word in for her too, though.

Bakura wants some kick-ass cards and could probably use a snazzy new RPG to get lost in. I know he likes those, but he hasn't really had the time to play any lately.

I think Marik still wants to rule the world a little, but don't let him! I think he'd like a new motorcycle, though. Something seriously awesome, as he does like to show off. Oh, and if you can get his sister to come visit us that would be awesome.

I also know for a fact that Chaos would seriously appreciate it if the weather wasn't so freaking freezing up here! Poor dude can't even go outside with this northern weather. Speaking of fireplaces, though, get the blue guy some champagne (not too much). I know he can't process alcohol but he still likes annoying the heck out of Virus with the stuff (long story)! I guess Chaos really has no other need for material things, but his Chao do, haha. Make sure you leave some gifts for them, too.

Selph wants a ton of snow, as usual! That and he really wants to meet me in a lucid dream this Christmas, aha.

However, he's also mentioned to me (he's not the only one) that what he really wants is for some of my major problems to go away. They're really putting a strain on our relationship, and honestly, I don't want to see him cry anymore because of something that happened to me... but that's in the next paragraph.

My little Christmas list.

I want Chaos Zero's copyrights and I want them now. *shot*

But seriously, big guy, I honestly don't want anything material for Christmas either.

Yes, you heard me. I know mum's buying me a Zune, but that's just because I need memory space on my computer and a weapon against my vicious ADHD (especially when I try to exercise). I'd also like to learn how to use Flash and I'd like for Abbey to stop freaking out every five minutes and eating all my time, but all that's beside the point.

What I really want... is for Julie to finally shut up. I don't know if you can do that at all, but even if you can help a tiny bit, then please do.

That, and I need money. Lots of it. I don't want to sound selfish or greedy, but college isn't cheap-- especially when you're an art major and a full set of professional markers is a few hundred freaking dollars. So yeah, I need to pay off my expenses and loans, not to mention car payments and medical bills (which have spiked now thanks to therapy and medication)... copyrights and legal payments and registrations... and I need surgery come hell or high water.

I know, I know. Bizarre thing to ask the man in the red suit, right? But in all seriousness, if you could somehow get me an appointment ASAP with a legal and reliable surgeon or two, I wouldn't need another thing for Christmas until the day I die. I need my operations, regardless of what the family says, because the family doesn't know the sort of hell I'm bleeding in every freaking day now. Surgery is literally my last chance before I get hideously desperate.

Anyway, I'd also like for me to be a better kid overall. I haven't been the best recently, thanks to all the mayhem upstairs, so if you could once again ask good old God to give me a little extra help with that, I'd be terribly thankful.
Seems all I really want is to stop causing pain and problems for everyone else. Hey, it's the best Christmas present I can give them!


Lastly, I don't know if this counts as 'material' but I need an inspiration/ motivation boost big time. I'm falling behind in my work, and now I have actual job deadlines to meet! So a bit of help there would be worth millions.

Anyway, mister Claus, your eyes are probably shot from reading this darn thing (I know mine are) so I'll let you go now.

And don't feel daunted by my requests... remember, rule of thumb is to help the big family problems first, then the family, then me. I'm last on the list, bud, and don't you forget that. Best Christmas present I can get is seeing someone else truly happy, so even if you can't do anything for me then please do something amazing for someone else. Thanks, man.

Also, it's Jesus' freaking birthday for crying out loud. Make sure you wish him the best, too! He's being nice enough to share the holiday after all, haha. ^^

Have a spectacularly Merry Christmas, say hi to the wife for me, and enjoy the sights while you're out cruising the world! It's the best time of the year, dontcha know.

Oh yeah, and thanks a ton for your generosity and all over the years. You might not be able to get through the back (technically the front) door this year, though, as I was forced to relocate my tiny little art studio there... but I'll definitely make some room for you if you need it!

Best wishes and lots of love, big guy! See you soon!

Sincerely,

Jewel L.



my three

Nov. 28th, 2008 09:16 pm
prismaticbleed: (aflame)
 

 

So today I decided to draw a picture of three very special people... ♥




RYOU BAKURA:
...has infinite seniority rights, as we've been together for over six years now, and he hasn't complained once, despite the constant arguing of my other two!
Bakura is a total sweetheart and I'm eternally thankful that I met him when I did.

MARIK ISHTAR:
...is Pharaoh by default, and is the only guy on earth who can look that good with his hair and jewelry.
Marik is a totally awesome friend and I wouldn't lose him for the world.

CHAOS ZERO:
...has infinite seniority rights as well, since he's several thousand years older than I am. He's also an entirely different species.
Regardless, Chaos is arguably the love of my life, and I'm not afraid to say so.



Really, I love these guys so much...

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

monday

Nov. 5th, 2008 11:40 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

 


Yeah... I have a new therapist now, she's phenomenal, and it's time to break the news to her.

As in, I have to tell her about my headgang.

I have to tell her about everyone now... or otherwise we'll never get anywhere.
I'm nervous.
My last therapist didn't really comprehend Laurie or Julie, but I was scared nonetheless...
Is there a bigger risk this time?
Should I be scared?
Or should I just take a deep breath and see what happens?

I have to tell her that Julie has been tormenting me for over a decade... but she's dying now, thanks to my own self-suffering, and hopefully she'll be gone for good soon.
I have to tell her that Laurie appeared on her own and used to spend most of her time attacking me with an axe... but she and I are incredibly close now, despite the vicious methods Laurie uses to keep me on track.
I have to tell her that I've been in love with Chaos Zero, who isn't even human, since I was thirteen... but I've kept it a secret, regardless of how much he means to me, and I'm scared of the general reaction.

I have to tell her about Selph and Bakura and Marik and Waldorf and Johnny and Davy and Grievous and anyone who's meant anything to me... and why?
Because if I say nothing, she won't know who the heck I am.
She won't know the real reasons I've gotten this far in life despite all my stress.
God saw it fit to give me a very bizarre way of getting through the bad times... but no one knows.
Someone needs to know.
I think I need to start here.



But I'm still scared.


I don't want to lose them.

 


 

prismaticbleed: (drained)



40 minutes. It's a new record.

Seriously... last night was so stressful and loaded with assignments that I only got 40 minutes of sleep between 5 and 6 AM. Nightmarish.
I hate losing sleep like that, but geez... with all that work, I can't sleep... and I can't take it.

I used to have such beautiful, beautiful dreams.
Now I can't remember them at all. Not a single one.
I want to go back.
Dear God, I want to go back to who I was before 2008...

Did you notice?
Early January of this year, I had a severe mental breakdown.
I never recovered.
My life has been spiraling downhill since then, and even though it has had it's good points here and there, so much negativity and fear has crept into my life... it's scaring me to death.
Julie has gotten so loud.
Laurie has become so vicious...
...I've become such a failure.

I know, I know. You're all going to say 'what the fish are you talking about; you're not a failure' but the truth is that only I know what really goes on in this screwed-up life over here, and what happens is more than enough for me to call myself a failure.
Most of the time.
That's one little thing I'm happy to have now... a little bit of self-esteem.
I blame all my Xanga, dA, and Skype conversations, actually.
Laurie, Jim, Chaos Zero, Q, Selph... they're the major 'earthly' factors keeping me from crashing completely here.
God always helps. I mean, geez, he put them all in my life! I don't know where I'd be without them.

I have a lot of friends now, and that surprises me... but it's nice.
I've never had that before.


Alright, and now for a random newsflash because I really am going to call it quits for the night (Chaos was freaking out over my massive fatigue this morning-- he'll flip if I stay up any later!).
You know my two dA clubs?
I finally sketched out IDs for them both! Yeah!
They look awesome. I don't know how I managed to get the ideas down so well, but I did!
I'll try to draw the actual things when I get home from classes tomorrow. Then I'll color and post them, and finally you can see them!
Next, you know my custom Selph icon on dA?
I'm almost finished with a Chaos Zero one in that same style.
Hey, I figured he deserved to be my icon for a while! I've had Celebi, Grievous, Barry, Davy, and heaven knows who else for my icon... but no Chaos. Shock and horror! Time to fix that.
Also, SunaNiGHTS drew THIS beautiful thing.
http://sunanights.deviantart.com/art/Bugman-Doodles-98067269
Every time I look at that I kind of die from euphoria a little, haha.
I have it set as my desktop background, too! I'm going to try and pick up a bit of Suna's style for him because he looks absolutely incredible. I love his eyes, and she got his head shape down perfectly. Few people do that.
You know what else people usually don't do when they draw Chaos? They don't give him any attitude! XD I swear, he's such a crazyhead it actually feels weird for me to see him with no drawn expression on dA. Suna also got his trademark smirk spot-on, which is brilliant.

Is it just me, or do I rant about Chaos Zero in almost every entry of mine?

Oh well. Time to try and dream for once.
I'll see you kids later!





Come on, baby
Why the long face?
You're messing up my head space!
I can see you've had a hard day
Let's talk about it anyway.

Hey- there's a million ways to do the same thing!
Don't you know if you got problems
That I'm here to help you solve 'em?

Love, I'm only trying to help.
I'm only trying to make it through another day.

I don't always say the right thing
So let me make it better.
But if I try to write it down
Don't go tearing up my letter.

Hey- there's a million ways to do the same thing!
I know I don't always get it
But you've got to give me credit.

Love, I'm only trying to help.
I'm only trying to make it through another day...





prismaticbleed: (czj)

 


Look at this. Look at how amazing this is.



I am hopelessly in love with that guy. (And nobody knows! This is driving me crazy!)


Even so... I don't care how bad a day I've had so far.
That picture just negated every single negative moment since... geez, since July.


Thank you Suna for making this afternoon absolutely fantastic, I swear.
Go thank her, honestly.



...
And now I hurt just as badly as I did at 4AM. Geez.
*gets out the mechanical pencils*


Secret's out.

 



Current Mood: Wow.
Current Music: "The Sound" (Orson)

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (Default)


SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL (SPINNY) CHAOS ZERO SELPH

Wow.

What?

You're actually doing it. We're actually having a conversation and you're actually writing it down.

Heheh, yeah. I have a bad habit of having these really important conversations with you when I'm nowhere near my Xanga.

That reminds me, though.

What?

Invitations. What did you promise me? Huh? We're not the only people in here.

Oh geez, yeah! I said I'd invite them. Hold on one second.

I've been holding on for an entire month, Jewel. Almost two. We talk, and we talk now.

Gosh, hon, are you that impatient?

Yeah, basically. Come on, as if I haven't been wanting to swear at you in public since July. Seriously, kid. This is our bloody bonding time.

If we used traditional terms, yeah! Man, but I miss these conversations.

You think you're the only one? Who's the reason you're even having them in the first place?

Jessica.

Oh, yeah. That's right. I hate that poor excuse for a headvoice.

Hey hey hey, she's dead, remember?

No she isn't, Jewel. She keeps coming back and she's going to keep coming back until you destroy every last iota of her in you and then change your entire name. That's the only time she's going to die, and you know it.

...Yeah, you're right. You're right. And I'm not trying hard enough to get there.

Tell me about it. Did you tell them how much you've changed since then?

Huh?

Since July. How much you've changed. You have a new journal now, remember.


Ssh, Laurie! They're not supposed to know about that one. That one's secret.

This one used to be secret, too, and then you decided to drop one too many hints.


Half the time they were unintentional, you know me. I have a very hard time paying attention to things sometimes.


You're a total screwup. Speaking of you need to call for that evaluation.

Oh hey, you're right. Well, I'll do that tomorrow. Tonight we rant.

All four of us.

Yep.

How long have we been waiting?

Since July 29th, dear.

Already?

Yeah, already! Time flies when you're having fun.

That or an extra side of pain.

I know all about that, yeah.

Ahaha, that's right! I forgot who was all over that journal.

Keep your mouth shut, Laurie. That's not for you to talk about.

Ooh, getting protective, are we?

I'll be as protective as I need to be.

Guys, guys, calm down. Let's not start an axefight this early in the conversation.

Can we start one later?

I'd rather we didn't.

Yeah, I don't like when you attack her with an axe, Laurie. That's scary. It scares me.

She deserves it.

She does not deserve it.

Chaos, calm down. Please. Is everything all right?

Everything except for the fact that I can't get used to her being in the room. I've seen firsthand what happens between you two, and frankly I'm not very happy with it, reasons or no reasons. I can't just stand by and watch someone abuse you like that... or like this.

She asks me to.

That doesn't make it any more acceptable.

Oh, really? I think it does.

Laurie, stop it. Don't fight with Chaos over all this, okay? You fight with me. That's how this conversation started in the first place--

She is not going to fight with you, Jewel. Not while I'm here.

Physically, no. Verbally, yes. That's why we're here, remember.

I agreed to that conversation before I knew what she did to you when you made mistakes.

...

Um... can we start a different topic, please? I don't like all this fighting.

I'd be glad to, Selph.

Geez, stop glaring at me!

I'll stop glaring at you when you promise me that you won't so much as think of that axe for the rest of this conversation, at least.

Fine. No axe. But words hurt just as much, you know.

I know they do.

And?

...And there's nothing I can do about that. I can't stop you from saying things, even if I try to. Just don't go too far.


Oh, I don't go too far with her, Chaos. This is all agreed upon and perfectly fine with both of us.


That's what worries me.

What was the original topic for this conversation again?

Perfection.

Oh, no.

Chaos, not that kind, honestly--

No no no, it's just that... that subject is horribly painful for the both of us in any context. Selph, too, right?

Um. ...I... yeah, I guess you could say that, with my past self and all.

How does that work, dear?

Because... I guess that I was supposed to be perfect too. Now I'm not. Now I'm broken and different, and they can't call me perfect in that sense anymore.

Aha, here we go with the senses. Isn't there an absolute for perfection?

No one's ever agreed upon it, I think.


I know, almost everyone I've ever met has a different opinion of it.

What's yours?

Absolute perfection? Mortally unattainable. True perfection can only be achieved by God and that's it. I don't even consider perfection to exist in this reality, to be totally honest. Some things may seem perfect or may be percieved as perfect under certain circumstances, but the total definition of perfection debunks them without a second thought. Here, in this life, there is no such thing as perfection.

Really? That's what you think?

Yes.

Huh. All right, Chaos, what's yours?

Perfection is a lie. It's nothing but a delusion for those who say something is without flaws or is absolute in some other aspect. Nothing is ever perfect, just like Jewel says, and anything or anyone who claims they are has some serious thinking to do. It's a lie.

I think you're a little biased.

I sure am. But that's the only reason I can form an opinion on this. Experience.

That's true. I won't deny that. Selph?

Wait wait wait-- Chaos, Perfection isn't perfect. Isn't that what we said?

Yes, and I agree with that, sweetheart. But that doesn't change the fact that everyone else is going to call him 'Perfect' because of the power and attributes he has. There's nothing perfect about him. Nothing at all.

He's not even perfect evil, because he's still you.

Thank you, Laurie. I needed to hear that.

Anytime. Just ask.

Yeah, that's another thing, Chaos... Perfect may not be you in the mental and emotional sense, but he still takes you over, right?

Right.


So... I'm sorry to say this, darling, but... then he is still you, in a way?

Unfortunately. Unfortunately... just like Jessica is still you in a way as well.

Eh. Yeah, I see your point. I'm sorry.

There's nothing to apologize for, Jewel. That's not your fault, and what you said was the truth.

Still, it hurt.

Doesn't mean it's your fault. The truth stings no matter who tells it.

Yeah... I need to stop blaming myself for those things.

That you do.

Um, excuse me.

Oh, I'm sorry! Go ahead, Selph. What was your answer?

I think it's the same thing as you said, actually. Everyone thinks perfection means you're 100% of something and 0% of something else. All bad, no good. All good, no bad. Well, that's not possible! You said it yourself, Jewel, everyone has some good in them, and I've realized that everyone has the potential to be bad in them, too.

Yeah, I remember talking about that.

Mmhmm. So it's like you said. No perfection, because nothing is absolute. Not even the song.

Ha!

What?

Hee hee. I got you to laugh!

Yeah, you did. Heh.

I think we all needed that right about now.

Yep yep! Just ask me anytime.

Hey!

I can say it too, Laurie!

Fine, whatever. Well, now that that's settled... what do you have to say about self-abuse?

Back to that topic already, huh?

Does it even count as self-abuse if you're the one mauling me?

Not just that, Jewel. I mean the Gamboge marks on your arms. I mean the pain addiction.

Oh.

She knows?


Course she knows, Selph. You know, Chaos knows, she knows. I know more than anyone.

Wow... I had no idea. I'm sorry. I thought it was a secret.

It is, but you know me. I'm awful at keeping secrets.

Sometimes.


Sometimes, yeah.

So why are you still doing it?

Because I'm still not happy with myself. That and it's the only way for me to get the emotional pain out of my heart, remember? Just a form transfer. That's all.

Dear God, I really wish you didn't have to do that...

So do I, Chaos. So do I. But until I find a better way, that's all I have.

You have our words. The blue journal.

That's true... but sometimes I'm nowhere near that outlet. Sometimes the outlet becomes me.

...

Chaos, are you okay?

No.

...Guys?

What?

Can we change the subject?

No, no no. It's not that. This needs to be settled, pain or no pain. ...If I can put up with doing what I did to her... I can put up with this.

Chaos,
please. Please don't blame yourself and say you're responsible for that.

What would you say if you were in my position?


...I'd blame myself and say I was responsible. I'm sorry. I'm being a hypocrite again...

You're not being a hypocrite, Jewel. You're just trying to help.

How the heck can she help him if she can't even help herself?

I at least know how to love him come hell or high water.

Jewel, you have to stop doing that...

Stop doing what?

Hating yourself. Please. Stop hating yourself. There's nothing to hate. We all make mistakes.

We've both made some pretty damn big mistakes.


Yes we have. And don't swear, Jewel. You remember what Laurie said.

She'd damn well better! I don't want to die.

I don't want you to die, either. I'm sorry.

Nah, it's all right. With all the time we've been spending together lately, it was inevitable that I'd rub off on you.

It's more than rubbing off, Laurie. It's taking in.

And that's the problem here. Stop that. You remember what I said a few entries back.

"Jewel Lightraye doesn't have a shadow."

Yes.

But all human beings have shadows.

Hers are personified. We are who we are, our own lives. That makes us seperate from her. She, as herself, has no shadow.

Oh... now I get it.

Do you now? That's good.

Yeah. I was wondering why she'd want to keep you around when you do bad stuff to her.

She's got a bit of a pain addiction, to say the least. It's bordering on masochism in my opinion.

On what?

Laurie, that's not what this is, at all.

It's pretty freaking close. You did research on that stuff one day, remember? Found out how it hits a little too close to home? Read about how there are people out there who actively seek "painful" relationships, but still won't let anyone twist their morals in the process? Read about the emotionally desperate people just like you who would go to see people kind of like me, just to have them insult them and abuse them? Because no one else would? And they bizarrely needed that to feel like they meant something to someone? Tell me that's not pretty bloody close to what we're doing here!

They don't have axes.

Jewel, what the heck do you research on here?


A lot. Quite a lot.

I see her. She does. It's her way of killing Julie, I think.

I'm not killing her, Selph. She's a waste-lock, remember?

Like in Johnny C?

Yeah, just like Johnny... except I'd be him and she'd be Reverend Meat or someone.

Haha, and I'd be Mister Eff! "Get out there and live, you bastard!"

Crossed with Nailbunny, yes.

I love being the psychotic angel on your shoulder.


Is that what she is now?

In a sense, yeah. I told you, she's my superego and demented conscience as well as my favorite headvoice, so of course she's going to keep me on the right track.

Although I do a pretty bloody vicious job of it.


I know you do.

Oh come on, don't start that argument again. Look, she wants me to do it--

That doesn't mean you have to do it!

Yes it does. That's half the reason she keeps me around, Chaos. She wants this. She needs this. She needs a mental release, she needs freedom from the other sort of pain. She needs someone to tell her when she's making a fatal mistake and then beat the literal hell out of her for it. Otherwise she'll never learn. I wouldn't do all this if she didn't need it, Chaos. I don't abuse her because I get some sort of cruel power trip from it. I hurt her and I swear at her and I kick her when she's down because I love her and I'm one of the only things keeping her together when she falls apart like this. You remember what happened at the psychiatrist.


...Yeah, I do. She practically cried all afternoon.

Aww, you did?

Pretty much, yeah. You were hiding and panicking so you didn't see, I think.

No, I didn't. I was all emo and hate-the-world for a week, haha. Thanks to your counselor, no less!

I know! They're supposed to help me and all they do is screw things up half the time.

Well then, don't bring me up anymore!


I wouldn't if you weren't such a vital part of who I am.

Huh. Well yeah, that's true. Oh, and even if we did have to suffer a living hell to find out, we did solve the mystery of what Julie is and why I've been on death row recently.


Death row?

Yeah. I was starting to die a little bit.

How?

Jewel was becoming me. I warned her about that, but did she listen? No. I'd hijack her consciousness to keep her under control, but then she'd keep a bit of me within her own personality every time so I was dying little by little. If she had kept it up I might have disappeared forever.

Once we realized what was happening, though, I called it quits and fast. Realized what was hers and gave it back to her!

Yeah, and now I'm just as brutal as ever!

And I'm not.

Heck yes. Keep it that way.

I'll try.

You'll do it, too.

I sure hope so. Thank you.

Well, this has been an interesting conversation.

It sure has. I don't even think we stayed on topic for more than five minutes.

But we covered them all.

Did we?

...Hm. Maybe not.

It says here that it was just perfection... oh. That and your mom.

Ah...

Oh. Well, that's a whole new page on it's own...

Why, what was it about? Just her insulting you? I think that's her way of expressing her anger and stress and all that, personally. Just letting it all out in words and actions. We discussed that before.

Yeah. Well, she has to express it somehow.

But she always expresses it at
you.

That's because she doesn't have one of me. Ever realize why Jewel is so nice to everyone? Ever wonder how she can easily love the world and empathize so well? No shadow. I'm it. When she feels anger or frustration or anything vicious like that, she feeds it into me and I become a little darker, while she stays the same.

That's why you were so worried about the leak.


Yeah. Did you notice how nasty she was becoming?

I did, actually. That scared me so badly...

I'm so sorry, Chaos. I never meant for it to.


No, it's okay. I know you didn't. It was just... so unlike you. So perpetually unhinged. Very dark.

It was dark. I had no idea who I was half the time, really. I was just a hurricane of tears and blood and mixed emotions and no one could tell which was which or what was going on. It was a very frightening time in my life because I really thought I was losing myself.

That's because you were, and you were gaining me.

Yes, we fixed that.

Don't let it happen again.

Believe me, I won't.

Please.

I promise you, Chaos. That'll never happen again.

All right. It just worries me how much we've all changed lately.

Especially me...

Yeah, you've become quite a fiery demon, haven't you, Selph?


Kinda. I don't like it sometimes. I'm afraid I'm becoming what I was.

I'll help you stop that if that's what's happening, okay? Remember I'm always right here for you, no matter what. That's a promise too.

I know, Jewel. I remember. I love you.

Oh... I love you too, Selph.

There's too much for me to say.

Three little words not going to cut it, sweetheart?

God, no. It's been like this for months now. Freaking months. I'm burning up on the inside.

I know the feeling. That one night in the rain last week, huh?

Oh geez, yeah... 2005 all over again. I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry.

Don't go apologizing, dear, I'm the one that started it!

Ooh, what's this now?

None of your business!

Fine. She'll tell me eventually.

Don't tell her.

I won't.

Eh, so you say, but remember I already read your--

Don't say it! Geez, Laur, that would give everything away. Everything.

Got some deep dark secrets in there, huh?


Deep and dark, yeah. If you've read them you know what I mean.


She reads those darn things?

Apparently.

'Course I do, girl! I get to see them every time you're up late and typing away because your heart hurts or your mind is snapping. Free privileges for being a headvoice, haha.

I hope you don't tell anyone.

Heck no. Jewel's secrets are safe with me. I say nothing to no one, no sir, not a thing. Ever. Scout's honor.

Well that's good. I guess I'm not the only one she tells everything, then?

Nope, I get to hear the deep dark secrets too.


That or you read them over my shoulder!

Sorry.

Nah, you can read them all you want. I just find it funny.

Oh, okay. 'Cause I remember you showing me the birthday entry in there once, even though it was secret.

They're all secret, hon, but you can read them. You're my muse after all.

That I am!

And I'm your you-know-what.

Are we still using that term, sweetheart?

Until we find a better one, sure thing.

You didn't type it, though. You hid it.

Prejudiced sensitivities, Selph. Some people don't take kindly to Jewel being a polyamorous asexual xenophile.

That title got a heck of a lot longer in the blue entries, you know.

Yeah, I've seen it! It's great. How do you remember all that?

Sometimes I have to sit and think about it, I'll admit. "What was the next word?"

What, you have a specific order?

Yes I do.

Oh geez, that's brilliant. That's another thing I love about you.

What?

You're just as weird as I am.

Ahaha, yeah, and that's my fault too!

That it is!

You guys need to explain all that to everybody else, you know. You have a LOT of typing to do.

That or drawing, or both. I have 5 years to explain anyway.

There's so much to talk about, I swear...

And so much of it that will never reach the public ear, right?

Right. Don't give them any ideas, though!

Oh, the public gets crazy ideas no matter what you do.

That is true. Oh well. Gotta live with them, right?

Yeah, can't let that stop me. I have to write up Big's history as well, you know.

You do? That's awesome! Write it up quick. He told me about it and I nearly died, I swear. Did you hear all of it yet?

Not the whole thing, but close to it. Last I heard was that night he went out to see what Sting was talking about, you know--

Oh geez, give yourself some free time to listen to that. It's amazing what that purple guy has been through since Emerl left.

Yeah, no one knows how that ties in, either... that or Sonic CD.

Seriously?

Seriously.

Wow. You do need to get typing!

We are way off topic, guys. Get back on the crazy train.

Speaking of trains, remember that one mental exercise with the truck?

Oh gosh yes. Laurie, I swear you weigh at least fifty tons.

Haha, I do not!

Sure felt like it! Hey, whatever happened to that doll?

I'll never tell.

We need to get back together and just rant about that one day. That was insanely fun. I loved it.

It was, even though I came in late, kind of.

Bakura and Marik did too, yeah.

I think that was the first time they met Laurie, right?

I think so too. Huh. I should really formally introduce them to you sometime, Laur.

You should. I'd love to see the looks on their faces.

Oh geez, that's right. They don't know what she does.

No, they don't... wow. They don't know. I thought maybe they did.

Nope. Not a word, not a single incident. They know all the stuff from the old days that Selph and I don't, before Laurie personified herself to you, but all this new stuff? That's for your two monster boys, Jewel. The Pharaoh and the Mage still don't know anything.

Gosh, I loved those old titles. But yeah, you're right. They really don't know... do you think I should tell them?

Maybe. Maybe one day when we're all together and have a lot of time. They do need to know this, Jewel. At least I think so.

I think so too. I want to be totally honest with them in this. I don't love them any less than I did back in 2003, and I feel awful when I think of how much they don't know... how much they're missing out. I don't mean for this to happen, and it hurts.

I know, Jewel. You've told me that before, and believe me, we all understand. You spend quite a lot of time apologizing and explaining all of that to us for us to doubt you, you know.

Really?

Really really.

Really really really!

Infinity plus one.

Aww, she got it!

You know the trump card, Laurie?

Heck yes! I win.

I guess you do. But really, Jewel. You believe me when I say that, right?

I always do. I have no reason not to. Thanks, love.

Anytime. Any time at all.

Isn't there something you wanted to say, Jewel?

Oh, yeah! I found this photo and forgot about what it said.

What photo?

On dA. That glass laserpen heart I love so much, with the perfect title.

What, were you searching my keywords again?

Yes.

You crazy girl. I love you too.

I know, sweetheart. But I figured the words really fit this conversation. Lucky coincidence that I stumbled across them again tonight, I say.

Why, what are the words?

"So many imperfections... imperfections = chaos... chaos = beautiful."

...Wow. Just... are you sure you didn't write that?

I would have if he didn't write it first.

Heh, I figured as much. You know that never fails to blow me away? I still can't comprehend it half the time.

I can't either, Chaos. I just accept it for all it's worth and let my heart do the comprehending. That works for me just as good as anything.

I'll have to try that next time.

That you will.

It's 10PM, kids!

What?

Jewel needs her sleep. She also need to finish her bloody homework! Get a move on, girl!

Oh geez, she's right. I stayed up too late talking to you guys, I guess.

No no no, 10PM is okay. Just don't get distracted so you can actually get some sleep tonight, okay?

Go lucid!

I'll try my very best, Selph! Honest I will.

You won't go lucid if you don't go to freakin' bed, you freakazoid!

This is a happy place.

Yes it is!

Candlejack.

Don't say it!

It's too late, this conversation is ov

Ahahaha. Janglejack strikes again.

I forgot we game him that silly nickname.

I didn't. I remember a surprising amount of the crazy shit we think up.

Hey, watch your mouth, Laurie.


Geez, you know I swear!

Yeah, but just... be careful. No one likes a filthy vocabulary.

Eh, I guess you're right. Oh well. I'll touch it up here in there. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop spitting swears when I'm ticked, though. That's practically a classic by now.

Well, at least you watched one of your words there.

That I did. Now you can't yell at me.

No, I can't, you're right. And you stayed away from the axe, too.

Yep. Hopefully we won't need it again for a while, right, Jewel?

Amen to that, Laurie... amen to that.

Just keep trying harder, okay Jewel?


Okay, Selph. That's a promise too.

Now promise me you'll get to bed. You need sleep.


All right, hon. I will, as soon as I finish this.

Don't take long, though, okay?

Yeah, you remember what I said about the minutes!

That and the sugar cubes.

Hah! Yeah! Good old Rorschach. You haven't been obsessing over him recently, you know.

I don't obsess over people, I just think about them a lot. Besides, right now it's Grievous' turn again.

Seriously? You're back with the General now?

I never left.

No, you know what I mean, Jewel. Back with the "obsessing," or so Laurie calls it.

Yes, actually. They put a CGI picture of him in Entertainment this week and I died. Of joy overload.

Haha, I figured you might! Man, you really loved that guy way back when.

I still do, but it's platonic, remember. I spoke about that in my blue pages too.

That you did.

What about Davy Jones?


Ohoho! Owned!

Eheh, yeah, Davy's a special case. Still platonic though, but at one time I really was crazy for that crazy squidman.


In a sane fangirl way.

Not even a fangirl way, actually. Just in the way I do things.

Ah. Well, that's incomparable.

It is. I like it that way.

So do I.

I do too!

And I think we should have ended this conversation ten minutes ago!

She's right, actually.

Unfortunately, yeah.


I had fun, though! How about you guys?

Yeah, I have to say I did, save for the very beginning.

The beginnings are usually like that.

That's true.

Everything worked out for the best in the end, though. I really needed this.

I think we all did.

Yep! I've been waiting since July to talk to you again after all.

Who, me?

No, all of you. Not just you.

Lovely little paradox you have there, Selph.

Sorry!

In any case, it is getting late, and I really should close up.


I won't argue with that, no matter how much I love these conversations as well.

Sleep, you lunatic.

All right, all right! Have a good night, you guys.

I'll be up as long as you are!

Hey, don't keep Selph up late, Jewel!

Haha, okay. I won't. ...Thanks for stopping by tonight, you two. Means a lot.

Mmhmm! Never a problem, no matter what.

Like I said, Jewel-- anytime you need me. I'm here.

That's a whole other conversation in itself, too.

It's also for another night, you crazy lovebirds. Now get out of here before I call Janglejack on you again.

That wouldn't be good!


No, it sure wouldn't be! Well, have a good night, Selph.

You too! Adios and arrivederci!

I guess I'll be seeing you later, too.

Most likely, knowing how I work.

You won't see him if you don't LEAVE. Seriously. What the heck.

Sorry, Laur. Good night, Chaos. I love you.

And all of mine to you, Jewel. Now I'm off before Laurie takes my head off.

You know I will if you aren't careful! Go on, keep walking.

Haha, okay. I'll see you in a bit, Jewel. Good night.

Finally he leaves!

Well, what did you expect? We're all bad at closing up conversations.

Everyone except Candlejack, that is.

Ssh! Don't say it!

Nah, he won't come and get me. I'm only a headvoice, I can't be kidnapped. He'll come after you instead!

Well, I'm going to leave before he gets here! Ha! What do you think of that?

Sounds like a plan!


 

 


prismaticbleed: (Default)

Asexual antisexual neutrois celibate. With a pain addiction and an attraction to inhumans to boot.

Geez...


After I buy my Wacom, I need to save up for Flash.
Besides saving up, I have to spend a ton of money on car payments and schoolbooks and gas money and all that junk...
...Plus, I have to save up for chest binders.

You heard me. FTM merchandise, except my last letter is different. FTN.
I still need binders.

It's driving me crazy.
I am literally scared to death of attending college for that reason.
Art classes have to deal with nudity...
...Everyone has to deal with relationship fizz and the behavoir of the normal human.
Well... what if one isn't a "normal" human in the eyes of society?

I'm scared of being a part of that life.
I want to not only be neutrois, but look neutrois... it's gonna be hard, but I need to try. I have no other option. Never compromise.


Subject switch!
I stumbled across a Pokemorph club on dA today... normally, I don't like human-into-Pokemon art, as it looks bizarrely unnatural, but I do like artwork of humans dressed up as Pokemon.
On that note, the group has apparently just announced a contest!
"Design a Poison-type Pokemorph (as there are far too few of them)."
The only entries so far are Victreebell, Nidoqueen, Haunter and Tentacruel. The Tentacruel is freaking brilliant, and I do like the Haunter's design, although they're both direct physical morphs.
Me?
I'm going to give it a shot!
Heck, I used to draw physical morphs all the time. Remember Skittygirl? Geez, I loved that gal. There was Azurii, Kecleos, Plusen and Minon... I was even planning morphs for Beautifly and Mawile! Man those were fun days. I still have the old character art too!
As for this contest, though, I'll try some outfit-morphs and some physical-morphs. This is my plan so far:
Outfit Morphs
Muk (Female)
Swalot (Female)
Arbok (Female)
Koffing (Male)
Physical Morphs
Ariados (Male)
Beedrill (Male)
I might switch the Beedrill to an outfit morph, but I love bug-people far too much, haha. If I'm abitious enough I'll even try a physical morph of Crobat and Venomoth.
It's awesome... as soon as I say a name and type, I get a mental image of how I want the character to look. I really hope I get the time to do this... it'll be a ton of fun. I've been in such a Pokemon-induced hype lately! I love it!
...You know what, after I draw my Pokemon teams, I'm going to draw them as Pokemorphs. Gosh that will be awesome. Punky male Roserade morphs ftw!



...Oh geez. Apparently, I put my custom Pokemon-TMM-Sailor Moon music CD in my laptop an hour or two ago, and it ripped all the music off without my knowing, haha. Well, I was going to rip it off anyway, so that works!


All right, and enough of that ranting.
I'm still kind of... eh... about Q visiting on Monday.
Why?
Go three entries back to the huge 3AM rant with a lot of nasty language and a Steely Dan title. That's the main reason.
Secondly... well, I don't know. I like being alone. I want to sit and work with my monsters and my muse and not have to worry about kids who like me as more than a friend and college situations and financial problems and the stress of living as an asexual FTN.
Maybe I'm just scared because I've never had something like this before. I've never loved an actual physical person before.

Geez... I hope he doesn't think I hate him or anything...

I just don't want a physical relationship, no matter what sort of physical relationship it is.
I like leaving messages on dA, here and there, when I feel like it. That's fine with me. I'm too busy and frenetic for a full-time thing, and I'm glad. I think it takes away the value when you're forced to constantly have something that is supposed to be unique and special, y'know.

...
Geez, I just switched my music to some random TMM background music and it makes me think of Chaos Zero. It has to be the chords. It has to be.
Man. I don't know why I love him so much.

I want to watch Patlabor! It looks so good and the theme song is gorgeous!
Bokurano sounds incredible too. Plus I need to get back into watching Evangelion, and I'd like to get into Narutaru if it's good. It looks good. That and Lain. They both look good.
And Gankutsuo! I never had the chance to pursue that series... that and Shadow Skill. Oh, and I want to watch some of the Chrno Crusade anime sometime. The manga was unforgettably amazing, and I hope the anime is as good. Plus I want to hear what voice actors they gave Genai and Rizelle, haha.

My ear infection still didn't go away. It hurts like crazy and it's driving me mad.
Plus my little brother made the huge mistake of letting me know there were Klondike bars in the fridge. Now, ice cream makes me sick, and sugar makes me even sicker... but due to the fact that I can't eat sweet stuff because of the pain it gives me, my body seems to have developed a sugar addiction for what it can get.
If I bought the food for this house, there would be no sugar or junk food. Unfortunately, my mom buys the food, and that's what she buys! So I regularly get sick as that's often all there is to readily eat.
Well, to make a long story short, I had half of a Klondike, and immediately my throat started burning, my mouth went numb, and I got quite dizzy. Ehh. Happens every time I eat that junk, and I never learn.


My grandparents went to the bank for almost two hours the other day while my mom and brothers were at camp.
As a result, I ended up alone at home with Selph, my old purple stereo, and my CD collection.
I grabbed a few, hit 'play' and sang along without a care in the world.
I only sing my best when I have no hindrances or volume restrictions, haha. I need to turn up the volume and really sing loud to hit my ideal. It's fun!
Oh, and fun fact! I actually sang "Time Is Running Out" as karaoke. Yes! I found a voiceless rip of the song and literally sang solo to it. I recorded it too, haha, so I can hear where I need to improve.
I found a voiceless rip of "Starlight" yesterday, too, but that song requires some serious skill for the high vibrato (darn your awesome singing talent, Matthew Bellamy!) so I really need to practice before I try that one. I will eventually, though!
Heck, if it's good enough, I'll even stick it on YouTube, haha. Fun stuff.
I wonder if they have vocal-ripping programs on the Internet somewhere. I'd love to rip the vocals off "I'm Shakin'" and "Only A Fool Would Say That" and try those solo. It would be awesome.


Anyway. Back on topic. Monday.
Geez...
I hope he comes here as a good friend 'cause that's where all the love is. Oh, and no plans!
I don't like when people try to seriously plan entire meetings beforehand. It makes everything artificial and rehearsed. There's no personality. Plus it'll make me a little less scared about this, haha.
I mean, sure, I might think over random situations with Chaos Zero in my head, but we do that for fun. If he ever does find his way over here (God, let that happen one day), I want it to be at the perfect moment and completely unexpected. Plus it would be hilarious if it happened in public! "What the hell is that girl doing with a space alien??" Haha, well, first of all, he's not from outer space. He's an interdimensional alien! Ftw!

Anyway.
I have a few color t-shirts that I want to paint (with J-Monsters and Otherside characters, of course!), but until I find the time to sit down and sketch out the designs and then transfer them, they aren't getting anywhere.
More than anything, I want to learn how to make iron-on transfers. They look awesome. That, and once I get my Wacom, I can start selling stuff on Cafepress! That'll be fun.

Hot Topic sells corsets and all sorts of odd stuff. I think I'm going to get some things.
I'm really into 'punky' clothing (or whatever they call it now)... the weird, unique outfits and belts and all. I would love to own at least one outfit in that style, but I'd have to go out and buy it in secret... that and the corsets...
Geez, why am I thinking of buying corsets when they emphasize your chest? I need binders, not corsets. I'm just thinking corsets because they're tight.
Dear heavens, I really am a pain addict. I don't know.
Still wearing that crystal collar, haha. I like it too much.

I'm saving up for a gemstone ring.
You heard me. I want a genuine gemstone ring to wear in place of a wedding ring. Probably a sapphire.
Why?
Well... multiple reasons.
Reason #1 is so people will see it and won't come after me. I'm a celibate and an asexual, and I want to show that somehow in my physical appearance.
Reason #2 is 'why a sapphire?' That would be because of Preludove. That creature has freaking changed my life. I would not be me... I would not be here, right now, in my life, if God hadn't put her in my life. Heck, I might have died by now if not for her. So that's my tribute to her.
But yes. I am going to get one. I don't want some cheap plastic knockoff or hand-me-down thing signifying what means so much to me. I want something genuine and serious.


Back to the subject again...
What the heck am I even going to do on Monday? Sit and talk for hours? That's fine, but I don't like physical proximity, and he'd better not dare touch me for any reason. I don't like people touching me at all. I'm just.... eh.
Another hidden reason for that... I'm afraid they might feel something if they touch me. I'm afraid they might feel something, see something, sense something in my frenetic mind. I'm afraid of what it might do to them.
Other than that, I'm just too asexual to like anyone touching me in anyway. Not fun.

Oh yeah, I put my Marik action figure and my Grievous "Unleashed" figure on my dresser the other day. So now it's them, my Celebi and Jirachi plushies, my Mew action figure, and my glow-in-the-dark Celebi figure. Oh yeah, and my red Mood Beam, Vivienne. She's adorable. You tap her head and she glows red! How perfect is that? (Well, Dulcinea glows red too, but that's only because she's a super-rare factory mistake!)

I think my Pokedolls are in storage. Hm. I miss them; they're very cute. The Blaziken plushie alone is freaking adorable! And did you know they make Celebi, Darkrai and Spiritomb Pokedolls? Good heavens, I need to stop by Pokecenter (or eBay) sometime soon and try to snag some...

A-haha! Good heavens!
I just stopped by Pokemon.com and brought up the Pokedex for medium-height monsters, right?
Well, the monster closest to my height and weight is... Deoxys (5'7"/ 134). How awesome is that?
I'M A MUTANT SPACE VIRUS FTW.

Did you guys know Froslass is 4'3" and Ledian is 4'7"? That's big! I could just reach down and hug mine if I wanted, ahaha. I also like to hug my Banette as he's the perfect size (3'7")... but my poor Spiritomb (3'3") apparently weighs a freaking ton (238!!) so it's a little tough to get him, haha.
Oh: Roserade is 2'11" and Beedrill is 3'3''! *tackle-hug* My Roserade and Beedrill (Neldoreth and Fate, respectively) are total maniacs, so they won't mind. They might even tackle-hug me first!
Hey-- Shuppet and Celebi are the same size! How cool is that?
Burmy is EIGHT INCHES.
I could get a duffel bag and stuff it full of 'em. BURMIES!
All right, now I'm laughing too hard so I'm going to stop.


*brings up eBay*
OH MY GOSH.
They have Pokedolls of Giratina, Uxie, Gallade, Azelf, Magmortar, and Regigigas!!
Holy fish and crumpets... if they have Mesprit dolls I am buying one ASAP, along with a Darkrai doll. Mmm. Darkrai is a fluffy spaz. I love that dude.
Oh, and I got a Darkrai card in my TCG pack the other week! Wahoo!

...Wow.
I just eBay searched "Mesprit" and they do make plushies... but the Level X Mesprit cards are amazing!
Geez, some of the Pokemon card art is absolutely beautiful. Wow.

Hm.

It's late. 11:39 PM. I have to be at work for noon tomorrow.
At this rate, I'll get to sleep for 1AM and wake up at 9... maybe 8... I want to draw some stuff. I want to enjoy my last free day before Monday hits me like a train full of spike grenades, haha.

Anyway, this entry is long enough and full of fluff today, so I guess I can sign off for tonight no problem.
See you later, kids.



Bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

Our time is running out
Our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out
How did it come to this?

 

 

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