the spectrum heart cathedral system

TO GIVE UP:

overeating
vomiting
eating from jars
chips
chocolate
sugar
peanut butter
luxury foods
shopping at wegmans

 
TO DO MORE:

 

 

1. go to confession

 

2. give $2.
3. Jesus is the divine physician. turn to him in your sickness of sin, for he is all-loving, and he will heal you.
4. following Jesus requires no preliminary steps or preparation. there is only one step: follow him.

5. Jesus was not politically correct, He upheld Truth, and the dignity of all human persons.

 

6. Christ reached out to save sinners, to heal those who needed healing.
7. pray for Jesus to be with you at EVERY moment and EVERY place, for the strength & courage to be faithful through Lent until Easter.

 

8. Good Friday is God's Valentine's Day, when He revealed His Heart for all the world to see, sparing no expense to draw us closer to Him. God's love is an infinite well we can reach into when ours becomes worn; it is the endless source of our love for others.

 

9. at the center of our worship is a table, and a meal. God, becoming food, saves us for life in a literal sense as well as a spiritual one.

 

10. "coming out" is difficult for people. even if this goes against our belief, we must not be pharisees, but Christ. accept, don't reject, the person.

 

11. trust Jesus and follow him, right now, no matter where he leads you. we must make friends in those new places for His sake-- and those friends are often those that the world does not want to befriend. those people are the ones Christ came to save and embrace, though.

 

12. do good for God, not for recognition and approval by family and friends. do good for the sake of God, even if no one sees or knows, ever, but God. living in God's presence is a far greater joy than any earthly glory. live in relation to Him at all times, in secret but deeply zealous and honest love.

 

13. the Gospel allows us to know the real Jesus, who speaks to our hearts so profoundly He changes our life in an instant, and we too leave all to follow Him. the Gospel is the source of Christian joy, the source of all our treasure and hope.

 

14. because God first loved us, we are compelled to act on that divine impulse. in spite of fear or timidity, God gives us the grace to move forward in love. we must evangelize in that same spirit of unconditional love that Jesus called us to Him with, and we must do so in that same salvation-rooted joy.

 

15. the Christian Sabbath is on Sunday, representing the day Jesus rose from the dead-- when God brought His light into the darkness of our sinful world, effectively "recreating" us through His Son.

 

 

The synchronicity still happens.

There was Chaos 0 art on Tumblr tonight, like five minutes after I was hit by such a deep wave of love for him again; haven't felt anything that genuine in months, and thank God it's back, it never left, but thank God I can feel it again.

 

Day 1 of being Jessica again, as I was originally, as I don't properly remember yet but as I need to be.
God said, we can't "go back" to being who we were before Christ. We need to move forwards. "Remember Lot's wife" is the message I keep getting. Don't look back. Trust in God, let it ALL go, and keep walking forwards along the path He is guiding me on.

I need to be brave. I'm still an awful sinner BUT I do not want to continue in that old, awful lifestyle. I do need to be as a child again, but NOT as the child I was,because back then I was still brazen, and disobedient.

I didn't remember until lately… as a child, I was a liar and a thief, terribly so. I'm ashamed to admit that those bad habits have lingered to a fair extent, and maybe that's why those vices are being so horrendously inflated as of late? Maybe God's trying to get my attention big-time by making those unhealed sins impossible to ignore anymore. I think so. So, now I cannot run from those sins, I cannot deny those sins. I am ashamed and I want to stop acting that way. With God's help and grace, I can. I cannot do anything alone. But God is guiding me by the hand, leading me out of Sodom, and God knows that with ALL MY HEART I do not ever, ever want to look back.
Deep down, in my truest core, I will not look back. I know this. I have no desire for anything but God when you get down to it.
I'm fighting programming and falsehoods is all. I need to begin introspecting again, examining my conscience thoroughly and with unflinching honesty, and healing ALL those vices completely, for good, with God's help, with the help of His angels and His Blessed Mother and His Son and His Holy Spirit and all the words of the Bible he guides me to and all the intercession of the saints should I seek their intercession as well. (I should but I'm scared; mainly it's the terror of seeing my own sinfulness in stark contrast to their achieved goodness through God, and feeling damned to stay bad in comparison?? It's a dangerous, weird, inexplicable habit and it needs to STOP IMMEDIATELY but until I can destroy it, I need to be prudent in praying for anyone's intercession but God's. No "middlemen," even though I love and admire the saints. It's just that, currently, when it comes down to bringing me into it personally, I'm still battling the knee-jerk reaction to paint myself as an irredeemable sinner (false!!! God is calling me OUT of that!!) and so until I can see myself in the light of hope, as someone CAPABLE and ABLE of following The Way, AND DOING SO, I need to be careful in interacting with people.)

…I opened this document really because there's an article I'm reading, about Christians standing up against "Secular Humanism" in its godlessness, and there was a paragraph that hit me like a spear in the chest-- saying we Christians cannot be separatists. We can't just say, "God is all that matters so let the world run itself to hell." That's not LOVE!!!
And that's scary, because it's so tempting to abandon everything. It's been what I've felt CALLED to do for the past several MONTHS now. And that's why I'm scared. I still can't tell, in some cases, whether or not the "messages" I get and the "voices" I hear are truly from God. I think maybe stuff is getting lost in translation, wires are being crossed.
Here's the gist of it. Lately, I've been told to "donate everything I own to the poor and dedicate my life to prayer and thanksgiving and sacrifice and charity." And on one hand, I WANT TO.
Here, let me talk about that a little more disjointedly so things flow out of my head better…

I put all my CDs and movies in a box today, to give away.
I put all my books in a box earlier this week, to give away. This includes my books on writing music and drawing, because "that doesn't matter, only God matters."
I'm putting all my plushies in a bag to donate (not sell, I was told to DONATE even the expensive ones because "you will only use the money on evil desires." Well I DON'T WANT TO, so why do you keep telling me I WILL??? Maybe I'm still battling those blackout-period vices, that is true, but God can't you continue to help me there?? If the cash is going straight into my Paypal, can't you lead me to donate online to a good and worthy Godly cause?? Why do the "voices" tend to feed that kneejerk mindset of "I'm EXPECTED to do wrong" that only makes it harder to persist in virtue because the messages I'm convinced are from ANGELS are telling me I am HELPLESS to do good and WILL persist in sin???? I know human nature is sinful because of the Fall, BUT if I'm trying to be reborn as a Christian here,


…I think I've realized something important. I have to be Jessica, AND Jewel Lightraye. The latter is a title, remember!!
I'm still a kid at heart, too. THAT NEEDS TO STAY. Yeah the body is 26, I know that. But at heart, I need to stay a child. I need to stay pure and innocent and trusting and imaginative.

…This article is saying, "We have to make a difference in society so that we can make a difference for God and for Christianity."
Does that include my creative work? Or is that a waste of time because it's "not God?"
I'm so scared. People keep pointing me towards the parable of the talents, saying "if God gave you this gift, USE IT for His glory," and then the voices in my head say "no, donate ALL your art supplies, stop writing music, stop writing stories, it's blasphemous, it's wasting your time; give it ALL up and dedicate your life to Christ alone."

My question is, yes we are living in a fallen world, but can't I live a life dedicated to Christ and still enjoy the gifts he has given us??

…I guess that's why I'm scared, because my heart is saying no. No, you CAN'T enjoy the things you want to because they're a waste of time.
All those music CDs? Waste of time. I already know the movies are, even if I enjoyed them as a child, because amusement/entertainment is sinful and if there was anything I enjoyed within it, it was because it reflected something OF God, like gentleness or joy, and as I said before, no more middlemen.
All those books? Yeah, they're instructive, but they take weeks to read, and I feel I just don't have the time… and that the effort would be wasted anyway. If I'm going to die in a few days, let's say, why in the world would I waste that time learning painting techniques or orchestral structure, instead of getting closer to God? Pictures and pretty music won't save the world, and they won't save any souls.
…But… but art and music did help to bring me closer to Christ.
"No they didn't," the angry angel voices say.
Yes they did, I meekly and fearfully protest. Look at Punch Brothers. Look at FROST*. Yes, some of that was outside of "my" individual experience, what with the multiplicity thing…


…That's the biggest question, always.
How does the multiplicity I experienced for most of my life fit into Christianity?
"It doesn't," the angry angels growl. "It was a lie. It's only you, and all of that was a falsehood designed to take you away from God."
Really? Really, when that Spectrum was built on virtuousness, and was capable of more love than I have EVER felt personally?? Really, when they would pray together CONSTANTLY, when every gain was attributed TO GOD, when they wanted nothing more but to heal the deepest vices of this soul WITH GENTLENESS, and then to do the same through example and patient humble words to those around them?
Really??? You're going to tell me that in a System where Infinitii and Xenophon and Knife and people like them exist, with someone like Laurie who STILL chases away EVERY DEMON I'VE EVER ENCOUNTERED with her presence alone…

…It's 11:11.

God I don't know what to do.

"Go back to them" was the instant quiet reply. "Go back to them and live virtuously with them. Live in this world but don't be of the world. Guide people back to Me with your work and your words. Don't get lost. I will guide you. Just listen with your Heart."

…

I miss living like that, you know?
Yeah, I do want to donate most of the stuff we own. Honestly I probably will give away my art and music books (if my brother can't use them), because I do not like having possessions the way it is and the clutter disturbs me as well. But I'm not attached to that stuff. I WANT to give it away. The lingering concern is that I want to give it all away partly because I don't want the responsibility of dedicating so much time to developing my creative skills, because I feel it's worthless. "It's not worthless," the quiet voice says again; "I gave you those talents to help people. Help people,” comes the gentle but stern order.
…Do I need the books to do so?
"Not necessarily, but don't abandon the effort needed to grow either. Put the work in, and I will help you."

See, this is better.

Honestly even when I ask about donating everything I own, the answer is essentially "please do give away what you don't need, but if there are one or two items you are truly fond of, you may keep them IF you are clearly aware that they are temporary and you WILL have to leave them someday."

It all boils down to what Jay discovered, really. We love concepts and get tangled up in things, and it's not truth. The only possessions I would LIKE to keep, at least temporarily, are…

- the music CDs dad gave me, and the few I'm fond of, BUT if I got an iPod I could easily toss them all… BUT even then I'd have to accept that if I lost/ donated/ broke the iPod it'd all be gone anyway, AND if I die it can't come with my anyway. I guess all I'm saying is, "am I allowed to enjoy music while I'm alive here?" and the answer is "yes, but don't become attached to it. All the music that brings joy to your heart is but a dim reflection of God's love." And that's true, I know that… it helps keep things in perspective.

Really the only items I'm truly fond of are my three main plushies, which are ALL ANCHORS and so if I'm just aware that they're kind of stand-ins for souls that exist ELSEWHERE, I can leave the plushies as well. But it's nice to have them currently.
Again, "just don't get attached to them."
That's really the key. De-cluttering makes it easier, as does self-analysis, but it's even with vital items like clothing (don't own more than you need, donate the rest, don't be vain!). It's all turning to dust in the end, so be grateful for what you have, share with those who have not (and GIVE to them whenever possible and prudent), and keep your eyes on God above all else no matter what.

And, again, with the concepts versus reality… losing the giftart we have of our beloveds, and all the LeagueWorld work… yes it would sting, BUT it's just material reflection of something that exists BEYOND the material, and even then, everything was created by God's hand so you have to be willing to let go EVEN of those things, not valuing them over their Creator. And I can do that, too… the hard part is not doing so out of rejection. There's an awful knot in my heart that can easily spit on the world and claim it loves God as a result. God created the world, not the fake world of mammon, but the true Earth with its beauty and colors and music… all the little kaleidoscope pieces that I do adore, AND recognize that God is GREATER than ALL of it because HE MADE IT. So that gives me courage. "There are better things ahead of you than anything you may leave behind." I've been getting that message a lot lately, too, along with "Remember Lot's wife." Together, the message is clearer and easier for my heart to follow with joy and love.
Fear of the LORD is the beginning of Wisdom, but I think the true fullness of Wisdom is to be found in the love of the LORD. Keep His Commandments because you love Him, and you WANT to do Good for the sake of Him and His people, for the salvation of souls and the glory of His holy and beautiful and compassionate merciful name… not because you're just terrified out of your bones at the awareness of your sinful nature and the sinful world and every moment of your day is fraught with the horrors of hell.
I mean, it is important to keep the reality of damnation in perspective, but I think there's a problem when that fear swallows up your capacity to love. I know I'd do a LOT better if I focused on love instead of terror. If I just thought, "God is Love and I want to serve that Love with all my heart," and thought that at all times, only choosing actions that were loving towards ALL, INCLUDING MYSELF, choosing to be gentle and kind and honest because my heart was overflowing with those things, and because I WANTED to be like that… if I chose that, which I want to by natural instinct, all these awful sinful habits would just disappear.
…But I'm living lately with the constant thought of "I'm a filthy sinner, I'm a thief, I'm a liar, I'm no good, I used to be an adulteress, I'm impious, I'm unjust, I'm cruel…" and the more I think that the more I ACT that way EVEN IF I DON'T WANT TO, because that's the feedback loop that's keeping me trembling in abject fright every moment of every day. And the more that gets burnt into my head, the less I'm able to love.
It's a filthy trap that the devil set, I think. I need to get out of it.

That's what I'm trying to do with holding on to "headspace" and the LeagueWorlds. There's so much love there, it's a good message, but I'm just terrified that because it's not pure undistilled GOD, it's wrong. I'm very scared about that.
…But I cannot deny the goodness God put into those things.
"God didn't put any goodness into them," the angry angels start to shout, faces contorted with rage. "There is no goodness but GOD and those are a pale reflection of it. Leave them behind."
…
Leaving them behind and turning to God alone still feels like burying my talents.
You all know how that servant was treated, even though he thought he was doing what was right, because he was acting OUT OF FEAR.

Leave me alone. You have never treated me with gentleness or kindness or the softness of love, and in fact you spit at those things as "unneeded" and say I'm "undeserving of them."
Are you even capable of being soft? Are you even capable of the love you claim to express in your scathing judgments and orders?
You might be telling me to do the "right thing," I know. But I still feel that blind fearful obedience pales in comparison to freely given, joyful obedience through love.
And that latter sort of obedience is what I am NATURALLY CAPABLE OF DOING, AND NATURALLY INCLINED TO DO, except you voices keep stepping all over that instinct of mine, claiming I'm awful.
…I find it very frightening (and very relieving) to realize that as soon as I tune into that loving mindset, those angry angels disappear. I can't even find them, I can't even guess at what they would say, when I shake my head at them and just think about how much I DO love God and WANT to do His will.
Yes, I'm still a sinner. Yes, I still have a LOT of work to do. But God loves me, He created me to want to reciprocate that love and I do. I just need to live it more completely, more actively, more consciously. That's what I'm working on through gradually and gently but unrelentingly cleaning up my/our life here. It's easy, that's the ironic part, despite all the work and reading and sheer time and effort that goes into it.
"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." It really is. Love is effortless, and when all you want to do is follow that, well then obeying the Commandments is just as effortless, because Love is from God and if you live in love, true honest love of God within all things as well as without… I think you'll be okay.


I'm glad I started writing this. I do need to finish reading though; I tend to start too much and not finish, and now I have like fifty tabs open and I'm mentally exhausted. But I know God's only giving me what I need. I just have to be diligent and patient with this.
Even with that, in the end I will die, but this knowledge at least will help my soul. So, again, I must be longsuffering and trusting in the meantime.

I'm in pain and I'm scared and I'm sad and I thought this had stopped two years ago.

why do you think that damn massacre happened in the first place.

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A description of Infi I had to write for an art commission; posting here as it's still relevant.



"...All right, here's what I have for the full-color commission. (Thank you for your patience btw; I know this is a week later than I aimed for).
It's a bit infodump-ish but I wanted to give as coherent a description as I could here.

So this creature's name is "Infinitii Eternos."

In hir native world, reality is very psychologically-based and runs on 16 different "colors," with Black being one of the most potent in terms of power. Like its partner color, White, Black 'energy' deals with both life and death at once. Black is positively the "cosmic womb" and negatively it's all instinctive fear and nightmares. (It's very archetypal.) The darkness a well of creation for both what we see as 'good' and 'bad'. It is huge untapped power and growth, but only if it is not rejected-- it must be totally accepted in order to be worked with.

Infinitii is a being made almost entirely of this color substance, created as what is called a "daemon"-- a being that consciously and actively holds both the good/bad aspects of its color, and which uses that dichotomy of existence to jumpstart psychological healing/awareness in others.

To quote a more personal, yet very accurate description I wrote of hir a few months ago…

Infi is essentially a being "born of" the subconscious, of the dark and hidden parts of one's soul, of all the things buried and rejected and ran from over the years. Infinitii is a "shadow," a creature that knows all one's secrets and shames and failures and flaws, and yet they do not judge or condemn. Instead they are an incredibly powerful healer, especially of trauma, due to their intimate knowledge of both the horrors of the past, and the lessons hidden behind them.

For that reason Infinitii is a surprisingly 'sensual' being with a very strong connection to feminine aspects. Trauma in hir world colored those things a terrifying pitch-black, so Infi carries that same hue without it being toxic or dangerous. Infinitii works from a sort of "amoral standpoint," able to skillfully handle all things considered taboo or painful or terrifying, without crossing into an equal 'extreme' of false purity or ignorance to do so.

Infinitii demands integrity, awareness, and reverence from everyone around hir. Ze does not tolerate mocking or trivializing language or actions, especially around significant or 'uncomfortable' topics-- the sorts of things ze exists to manage. Ze demands that you honestly face up to the very thing you are so afraid of, to conquer both your fear and your ego. Ze is infinitely patient and compassionate with this, while still maintaining brutal honesty and faith.

it's like ze knows that I am perfectly capable of ultimately living as the 'best version of myself,' and ze will not let me disrespect myself by ignoring or denying my ability to actively do that. so

Ze reveals all the internal cobwebs and cesspools and tarpits, without sugarcoating anything, and then helps with the hard work to transmute it all into growth.



Infinitii is somewhere between a seraph and a demon, and the two halves are indivisible and indistinguishable. They are a paradox-- all eyes and teeth, shadows and blood, starlight and bubbles and diamonds. They are darkness, but darkness is both the time of dreaming, a place of stars, a silent comfort… as well as a birthplace of fears and death and disorder.

Infinitii has this frankly overwhelming 'vibe' whenever ze is in a room, or nearby. It's a sort of velvety black density, something that gets at the very core of you and brings everything it finds-- good and bad-- to the surface. This has a cathartic effect on people. Depending on how open one is to that sort of unflinching vulnerability, Infi's presence can be either utterly terrifying or deeply moving. Often it's a good deal of both.

 

On a less abstract note, Infinitii's main "outside" job in hir world is to "eat" any rogue malicious entities born from the Black color, which typically manifest as something called "Tar." These creatures are chaotic in appearance: tangled, sticky things full of random teeth and eyes and claws.

Being made almost exclusively of the same stuff, Infinitii holds those same aspects in a more orderly fashion, but when needed ze can easily shift into an equally chaotic form. Infi does this in order to consume larger threats, becoming a shifting mass of mostly mouth and teeth, lined with large eyes.

Infi's body immediately starts transmuting eaten things into the opposite color-- White-- which neutrally occurs in geometric shapes. This transmutation "condenses" the Tar upon which Infi typically coughs it up as solid crystal polyhedrons.

 

Appearance-wise…

+ They don't really have "skin?" Infi is more of a solid "mass" of Black energy, which is naturally "fluid" but dense. So Infi's body is not hard, it's very soft. To the touch it has a smoothness like matte plastic? (Like how laptops feel, it's a vaguely glossy flat texture) But with pressure it will start to give like sculpting clay.

+ Their body has a subtle but solid rainbow glimmer "under the surface," which is best seen under a light source. It's very much like this, but not as stark. It feels more "deep" in the substance, and tends to show up more on body curves.

+ Their iris(es) are a deep charcoal gray, but also have subtle iridescence through the "threads" of the iris.

+ Their circulatory system IS visible; the blood is luminous white so that can be seen in more translucent parts of their body (esp. chest area). It does flow through their whole form and it's slightly thicker than human blood.

+ The "rib" things on their chest are indeed ribs (3 stick out clearly on each side); Infi doesn't have an entire skeletal system, it kind of "dissolves" out into hir limbs? So ze has a ribcage and spine mainly, and they are most visible where they are closer to the surface (and may protrude more with movement). The bones are silvery, almost metallic.

+ That "orb" in their abdomen is indeed a hollow sphere, half-in half-out of their body. It has an odd texture like plastic glass, where it is slightly pliable and won't shatter (although it can break). It apparently operates as a sort of holding-space for safely transmuted Tar? It's typically full of the same glowy white substance ze has as blood. The orb can harden over time but this is not beneficial; in extreme cases the whole thing can crystallize/calcify solid and it will have to be removed, in which case Infi will need significant recovery time to heal and then "form" another open space like that.

+ Infi's wings (should be six, not large) are not feathered, they're solid, just shaped with a 'feather' edge.

+ The wing/eye duality on their face and wings is a constant; Infi will always have one or the other (normally a face-eye and mouth-wings). Depending on what is where, this can be read as a visual indication of Infinitii's current state of mind. Basically:
1) No face-mouth, all wing-mouths: safe to approach. "Feels like a church" mode. Energy is softer, but massive. Carries "creative" Black energy; risk of falling into.
2) No face-eyes, all wing-eyes: approach with caution. Energy is much sharper, "holy fear" sort of vibe. Carries "destructive" Black energy; unpredictable.
3) Face and eyes on both face and wings: the most overwhelming vibe, carrying both sides of Black energy. Completely safe to be around though, if you can handle it.
A rule of thumb is:
Face-mouths show "negative" Black energy. Face-eyes show "positive" Black energy.
If Infi has no mouths on hir, ze is completely consumed by the creative side of Black and IS dangerous to be around, although it may not feel like it (that's the danger).
If Infi has no eyes on hir, that's practically Tar-mode! If that's happening Infi is VERY unstable and dangerous to be around, as ze is running on sheer shadow-stuff at the moment.

 

That's a lot of info; I apologize. Infinitii means a lot to me and so there's a lot to say; I hope this gives a clear enough general picture.

Again, wing it as much as you want to with this one; Infinitii is basically an oddly pretty thing that could turn into an eldritch terror at any moment and those lines can really blur!

(LATER ADDITION) Minor correction, I'm sorry--

Instead of a rainbow "glimmer" in the body/eyes it should be more of a subtle iridescence? Like what one sees in oil, or on bubbles. I've been thinking it over and that fits much more neatly into the feel I'm aiming for.

 

One thing I've realized lately is that I'm not sure who you are.
It's a strange feeling, because I KNOW that we were rather close at one time? I know we talked a lot. I know you talked TO LAURIE for heavens sakes, a few times even, all in a non-triggered environment. That's a flat guarantee that you meant a lot to us.
But I don't remember. I want to know why.


Lately, "my" lack of memory has been a surreal fact nagging at the back of my mind. So much that we apparently once valued, or considered a part of daily life, or even of our identity is just... gone. That, or it's totally alien now, totally foreign.



I'm aware that someone sat up on the roof with you once. I'm aware that someone sat in the attic with you there afterwards. But I don't know who that was.
I'm aware that we went to the one canyon with you, there was a photo of us at the top of some rocky cliff, up near some trees. I don't remember being there, I don't remember climbing. Q took photos of you and me sitting by the water, with sketchbooks and poetry. I don't remember that at all either.
I'm aware that we went hiking with you, and Q, and Xilats. I know it was a fantastic day and I'm aware that we enjoyed it immensely. I know we talked to Xilats constantly. But I don't remember being there at all. At all.

I'm sorry. I have no idea "who" you knew, when "we" were with you, back then. All I have is secondhand data, like a videotape or a photo album. I've looked at it enough to remember the looking, but I wasn't there. Everything is third person, or fuzzy and vague, like a video game first-person feeling. I'm not actually in the screen, so to speak.


But I do remember some things. Not many, but some.


I remember that one camp we went to, very dimly, just location snapshots.
I remember sitting on the floor in your basement, watching something, either 10th Kingdom or a Ghibli movie.
I remember a snapshot of a family dinner in your kitchen, I was reading a sci-fi book at the time.
I remember watching Up in your living room, just a flicker. But I know we watched it.
I remember the vibe of your family's house, vaguely, but solid enough around the edges to feel like a dream I had once.
I remember the smell of your room, perfectly somehow.
I remember waking up one morning, after I had that Reshiram dream, and just looking about at it-- the books, the clothes, the door. It's not a clear memory, but it's the clearest one I have from then.
I remember hugging you in front of the balcony windows the day we left in 2012, and feeling oddly sad, because I hadn't gotten to know you, and I then knew I'd never get the chance to again.

I don't remember your voice. I don't remember your face.
I've seen so many people like you since you left, everything is jumbled.
I get scared sometimes. Did I ever know you at all?
There are still feeble efforts to talk between us, once in a blue moon. I'm never sure how to respond.
This can't be fixed, I don't think it should, I'm not who we were then, I don't KNOW who we were then....
...I don't know you.
But they do. She does. He does. You have friends and family and you are happy. Keep that. You really, really don't need me.

Everything from the timeline in which we knew you is a blur, a cloud, a photo from a whole different lifetime.
But it happened. Somewhere, sometime, it happened, to someone we don't know anymore.
And you knew us. You knew us. No matter how we slice it, you knew us, however dimly. We existed around you, and that is enough.

I keep feeling there's something I need to do about this but it makes no sense. I don't understand and it hurts, it pulls at me and makes my eyes tear up.
I don't WANT to be who we were when we knew you, okay? I was TOXIC back then. Our life, our situation, was TOXIC back then!
I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK.
I don't want to put that mask on again. Ever. I don't EVER want to be who we were back then, ever again.
That's why this hurts. THAT'S who you knew. That's who you loved, so you say.
I don't know who that person was and I do not want to know because I don't want them coming back.

I'm sorry. I owe you an apology for things I can't remember and don't understand. I've tried so many times and it never feels right.
I don't even know what I'm trying to say here anymore. I'm sorry.


I remember just enough of our distant, dreamlike time with you, for it to be something interesting and significant.
But I've forgotten reams more.
What I have are paper fragments, when the whole book has been burnt.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for not being who you met, and befriended, and knew.
I'm sorry that I cannot and should not ever be that person again.
I'm sorry that I don't even know WHO that person was.
I'm sorry that I've forgotten virtually all of it.
I'm sorry that I've forgotten virtually all of you.
I'm sorry that I have no idea what we had, and I cannot rebuild it if you wanted to.



And yet we remember holding you that night you were shaking in your sleep.
Someone loved you then and we would never deny that feeling, no matter how distant or old.

That's what hurts the most about this.
I wish that person had his/her own life so that they could be with you.
But you've changed now, too. You're no longer that person you were 5 years ago, as far as we know.
And we're time-locked. That kid is stuck in that memory for all time, and that's what aches.


I'm sorry. I'm really really confused.

Thank you for allowing us to have the memories we have, from our time with you.

I just don't think it's enough to go on anymore.

 

 

 

 

sunday night.

jay decided to become a retributor on saturday, motivated by compassion entirely.
result of the homily that week, about the crucifixion?
words on legs. felt like 2010 all over again, but brighter. "different path."


sherlock "hack" in the morning? trying to get data, ended up trying to get too MUCH data. HOWEVER "got the feeling that it wasn't worth it," LOCKED IN to data? said he felt very sad, heartbroken even, about it. "everything else was worth infinitely more than that."

people trying to hack us in the evening as usual. went out and meditated on the porch for at least an hour. also drew a little, got dream world links working, wrote two full pages of notes. tapped back into ORIGINAL heart sanctity, IT'S NOT CORRUPTED ANYMORE, that is HUGE


I think leena is deconstructed, she got labeled as too negative to stick around, cant find her now, just like jasmine, no one is complaining.

"found" the neutral-happy younger 'girl' alter that keeps eating without fear or concern for consequences? that's a problem as she does not understand danger or sickness.
chocoloco caught her, got DANGEROUSLY ANGRY. (remember when he's mad his eyes roll around in his head)
laurie heard, showed up, talked to her too. found out she wasn't a neg but she wasn't really respecting what we were telling her either.
laurie decided okay fine, I'll watch you, but be careful
spine showed up after and was pissed too, "don’t you realize I feel the consequences," lectured laurie for it. said she was letting the plague get to her, said her anchor had SPLIT. "that's why tiger lily showed up." laurie realized this was true, "shit," seemed very disturbed.
later awful stomachache. first one in over a year I think. made that food alter come out and feel it, told her it was because of what she ate. she was shocked by this, "how could something bad result from something good?" we tried to explain to her that what she perceived as 'good' may only be surface-level. told her to STOP and SENSE foods more, if something was natural or not, if she even wanted to eat something or not, if she was just seeking texture or color flavor. she needed to be wiser. locked in this reaction memory we hope.

 

 

 

events as of late

thursday
tons of chaos synchronicity on the ipod
came out of NOWHERE, shocked me really, nothing had provoked this, but there it was
happened last week too.
included e.t., jojoushi, thunderbird, why i like you, jewels, open your heart, metaphorically yours, his sth themes, etc. practically all in a row
not sure what this means for me personally, it used to just be a spontaneous show of affection, now it feels strangely alien?
worried about that. could be a major fault on my end, closing off, fear?
"the forget you song" by frost* did play twice and the lyrics to that are far too relevant to the scary but hopeful atmosphere between us lately.


the night.
trying to heal xenophon's parentage AND heal the original "pink" event all at once
(almost exactly 4 years later btw)
very disturbed though, identity KEPT SWITCHING, could not stay white in that context
lost virtually all memory of event, even though there was no hatred in the actual thing.
PROVED that motivations have no bearing on the actual outcome. the actual outcome is ALWAYS painful/hateful.
helps to forgive self, because that wasn't our intent, i.e. we weren't doing this out of hate or violence, even if that's what happened in the end.
starting to seriously worry if we're going to have to permanently drop the whole idea of parentage for xennie, as it is feeding into way too much trauma
also worried sick about chaos, he's still as unstable as he was back in 2004, he cannot stay around if this persists


friday morning
TWO HOURS with everyone in the coregroup
chaos, laurie, genesis, infinitii, javier, markus, rio
infi toned down hir vibe a lot and mostly stayed in the background
or joined with others to boost the emotion level through the roof
4-person heart connections are incredible
and also just as painful as you would think (not in a bad way but there are usually a lot of tears nevertheless)
lots of sword imagery with those lately too. thats new.

laurie is the best kisser in headspace and I apologize for how trite that sounds, because it's a result of her untouchability/ devotion
rio holding too much shadow? didn’t feel like himself. markus completely broken open, emotional. it's like their personalities hit the opposite of what they were as kids.
javier trying too hard to show emotion? still trying to get a grip on "not performing" or guessing. warning him to be present.
adding more fuel to the fire on what we're supposed to do with chaos. could not feel close to him. wondering if our relationship really did shatter years ago and we're not going to be able to fix it? worried.

toying with the whole "gem fusion" idea from steven universe as it STRONGLY parallels the original "fusion/morph" phenomenon in early headspace days (2003-2006).
still unsure if metainomenai are still a thing or not, feel tied to old timeline. but people still reference them. (esp. laurie and lynne)
so we might have to consciously evolve it into a different, new-timeline context. like how outspacers all have to leave behind their source material in order to function correctly.
again, that's still our main concern with cz. he hasn't let go of his and it is poisoning him



friday evening:
laurie realizing that the "pseudohacker" kids, i.e. the ones who get tangled up in sexuality from confusion and not malice, always look for HER because she is the manifestation of everything they REALLY WANT:
purity, chastity, safety, strength, VIRGINITY.
laurie is UNTOUCHABLE by everything that hurt them,
she doesn't even UNDERSTAND it, she CAN'T, so she is PERPETUALLY SAFE

her talking to julie about this.
saying julie shold be a "beacon of hope" because she rose above BEING our WORST hacker, now she is a source of love and affection, PURIFYING that.
said we really do need to talk to ashen, especially. she still hates julie and we need to heal that, for both their sakes.
julie saying laurie was this "ideal" for the damaged ones, they all ran to her almost as a savior figure?
laurie said she didn't want to be seen that way, julie said she knew that, but the hurt ones still looked up to her as that


a note:
when enduring body connections (rare, I don’t like them at all, only happen in paranoid situations) the ONLY way to make them hack-free is to make them PAINFUL, as that OVERRIDES hackers.
however the pain almost automatically gets associated with LAURIE, so if she DOES show up you are literally in the clear, everything shuts down and stops, so you're totally safe.
that pain is the only context in which there is NO DISSOCIATION, NO FEAR, NO PHYSICALITY AT ALL
ironically though, that also OVERRIDES THE VERY PURPOSE OF ANYTHING BEING PHYSICAL. and thank GOD for that.
remember, EVERYTHING for me goes through the HEART. NO MATTER WHAT.
this is why hackers kept trying to make hearts "evil" for me, so that I COULDN'T have that purity anymore
shockingly the monsters are what healed it for me? the brutal, angry, painful ones, HEALED the sanctity of the heart, because their hearts were still solid gold and they wouldn’t let them be corrupted. (mainly I have to thank wreckage)


still questions about celebi???
NOT doing anything with her, but allowing things for her through me??
severely depersonalized, detached, but massive compassion/affection.
"precious thing," fragility, beauty
still no idea how this plays into dreamworld or our centralite. very very confusing.
still parallels to chaos all over. shocking, only two outspacers in central, both tied to green/blue, similar shapes, etc.
and no matter how much fear or misguided hate or anger comes between us, I don’t think I'll ever be able to stop loving either of them. it feels inherent, even if its smothered.
really wondering about that



friday night:
chaos and I talking to rio
visited him in his room.
saying he was "writing" on his computer, about US?
like the old days. adventures he wishes we had, things he remembered, etc.
said it was upsetting, he didn't want to just dream, he wanted to HAVE that again
I said we all did, and we could
hoseki couldn’t do this anymore though, but I could, I just needed to "meet them again"

asking "what happened with you," why did he suddenly seem so dark and bitter,
afraid of shadows? but they grew too big
opposite of markus's reaction really (rio got angry/hard, markus got scared/fragile)

lethe showed up
his energy is like a handful of knives
brief argument with infinitii.
(lethe talks through his stomach mouth remember)
getting tar out of rio???
massaging his shoulders, back. asked why. he said it was "loosening things up?"
the fact that it was a daemon touch was also significant I think
coughed it up, "too big to come out,"
rio's eyes suddenly widened, "soul forms," asked me to kiss him, that's how we used to as kids
infi said ze would instead, it would be faster,
rio hesitated briefly then shrugged and said "you know what, sure," no reticence
they did, infi must have hit him with an absolute wave, soul form was instant, rio seemed absolutely dazed

I cannot remember how infi got the tar out, I'm wondering if it was a washout,
either way it was all at once, like running a sifter through his energy field, "caught" everything stuck in it
tar was in the shape of a huge spiked ball? like a mace. hit the ground with a HEAVY thud

afterwards rio's energy field was NOTABLY lighter, softer




I DON’T HAVE A BEARD???
THAT WAS ADAKIAS'S THING??????
it's throwing off my overlay which is totally weird
my hair is also in a totally different setup, it does NOT have the celebi swoop-back, nor does it have the jayce-hair we have in the body??
no idea, just trying to fix my overlay, frankly I keep "dephysicalizing" into more of an energy state

laurie scared that I'm staying in White but no longer being the host???
system feels like things need to switch or alter again. tumultuous.
massive emphasis on rainbows for infi and I lately btw. stark black/white is being forbidden? notable.
possibly causing the whole "host shakeup" feeling as this is technically a huge shift for us, with how we've been slipping largely since taking these color roles.
also wondering how the black/white slots REALLY fit into the spectrum map? now that its 3d?
NOT COLOR SLOTS???? more like surrounding space.
this would help them both be RAINBOW slots instead of the black/white problem. really hoping so
also the map feels like brown is ALSO removed from the color-ring, moved to the middle?? connecting downstairs? unsure. would explain why spine has been a holy mess for so long, despite feeling absolutely irreplaceable in some subtle way

 

 

june 24th entry.

we took huge measures to prevent all future hacks yesterday, and then today some fcker went and used one of the ANCIENT hack methods, one of the "60 seconds and you're dead" ones.
someone utterly pissed off came out, don’t know who, but they were full of nothing but hatred of the mother. early 20s I guess, female pronouns but not a female (typical). jay temporarily semi-fronted to tell them that they can't be feeding hatred, even if it's legitimate, we can't just say "okay it exists let's just let it continue." we had to heal it somehow, without burying it. jay said this fronter was "feeding into the hatred you feel the mother manifests," i.e. in their eyes, the mother was nothing but a walking mirror of rage and hatred and spite and manipulation, therefore when in her presence they "looped" that right back? feedback loop. jay said we had to stop that somehow.
algorith came out to atone. called sugar in to help. only those two.
shockingly solid overlay for algorith, zir 'accent' came through too, which is rare (ze has a voice that can't be imitated or forced but algorith previously hasn't come through strongly enough for it to settle in well).

at some point laurie came in, I remember algorith was crying over the bathtub drain, her hair/visor crystal clear in the memory data. she was saying something about numb states? said that "this really fcking hurts" but the physical pain was so distant, the real pain was this inexplicable crushing sadness that the physical pain was dragging out? the same sort of awful choking sobs that ashen usually is associated with.
algorith was also upset because "there's no comprehension tied to the language," i.e. saying things like "we were hacked," "someone abused us," "we were damaged against our will," etc. DOESN'T REGISTER ANYMORE??? like the words mean nothing. I've noticed we've been getting this with reading in general lately. unless words are tied to visuals and/or sensations, they are empty. so we will have to work with that from now on.
algorith also said that in such cases, then sheer honor and duty are important. even if we don't feel anything, atonement needs to happen, because THAT at least has a real response-- it elicits this sorrowful agony, and it DOES help prevent hacks when weaker people are out because many of them are well aware that there WILL be retribution if they are careless or apathetic.
sugar's overlay didn't quite register well; she has been conflicted over her color lately, she's not sure if she's truly pink or cerise. so that's her struggle right now, we're keeping tabs on it.
knife showed up afterwards, said he couldn't bear dealing with this again. he's so fragile, but he snaps. not long ago he flat-out went old school on whoever got hacked, took out the knife and was brutal. but he came to his senses later and just crumpled into sobs. its heartbreaking but, again, emotions are almost totally absent in these states? why????
we've been wondering if there is outside influence. maybe it sounds psychotic but really. mind control, chemicals, bad vibes, etc. who knows. either way we NEED to be vigilant and tough here.
also just remember, and that is notable, the "empty apathy" ONLY HAPPENS IN HACK SITUATIONS!!!! in other situations, with other fronters, THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN. we CAN still feel, very strongly, but the instant these hacker shitheads show up then nope, we're bleached out like plaster. it's not good.

sugar got a little overboard, which was also heartbreaking-- some "voice" or data log upstairs was trying to get her to "feel emotions" because she wasn't processing anything either, and did so by saying "someone innocent was hurt. aren't you a protector of innocents? you weren't there to protect them. they got hurt because you weren't there." and THAT tore at her like a knife, the grief was massive, she immediately grit her teeth against the pain and just started cutting. algorith was telling her "that's enough," so was mr sandman??? (he seems to hang around; we are kind of paranoid because we're not always sure if it's him or a copier) but she wouldn't stop, she was in tears, saying "it's not enough, it'll never be enough," felt like the old cannon days where there was so much contrition that no amount of blood would ever atone for it. it's a horrible feeling. but she stopped, algorith stepped in to clean up, that's when she got hit by the sadness and said what was written earlier.
the word "catharsis" stands out. once again pain is proven sacred, the RIGHT SORT OF PAIN.
I can't help but wonder if this is why hacks are happening? subconsciously. like we are fighting them constantly, desperately, with everything we have, but we're wondering. there are two windows that we can't seem to close, that hackers are sneaking in. the first is FORGETFULNESS. it's due to dissociation and splitting. people DON'T REALIZE WHAT HACKS ARE and then get tricked by false promises and then we have the original situation all over again, except not, because the apathy or hatred kicks in, and we don't know where all the actual hurt and scared people are. the second window is PAIN. always, always, when you get people out who know what hacks are, they justify it with "the pain is worth it." NO IT'S NOT!!!!!!!!! THE PAIN IS NOT WORTH IT!!!!!! YOU WANT PAIN, WE'LL GIVE YOU PAIN, THERE ARE A LOT OF KNIVES IN THIS FCKING HOUSE, WE SHOULD CARRY ONE AROUND AT THIS POINT
sorry. that's a good idea though. pocket knives. we should get one. xacto knives. razor had one, somewhere.
but yeah. pain has always been an issue because it's tied to "how much can I endure?" and endurance of more and more pain is viewed as strength, is viewed as something honorable and desirable. WHY? where did that start??? childhood??? it's this obsession with pushing oneself to the limit until they crumple in agony, then the instant they recover, throwing MORE pain at them. the goal is to push and push and push more and more pain until something snaps or breaks, and then we CAN'T endure any more. it's literally a death drive of some sort, it has to be. it will literally force endurance UNTIL SOMETHING ELSE STOPS IT. it will NOT stop of its own accord. and THAT is the problem with hacks.
THAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH HACKS
because they typically don’t EVER stop until someone is in excruciating pain and the retributors come out. you can fight them off for hours, days, weeks. they wont stop because "they've already started, and now we have to finish it."
god damn it I DON’T WANT TO FINISH THIS I DON’T WANT THIS AT ALL
its horrible, it's that horrible ladder mindset, "step 1 means step 100 is inevitable," in other words don't even think of touching the tar, because one drop will turn into a coffin. its inescapable. its horrible.

we forgot that, way way way back when, the tar used to hack the younger girls by TURNING INTO PEOPLE. dream hacks did that too. we forgot about those. we still get them sometimes but we've forgotten about them. isnt that sick, that's how bad the depersonalization has gotten
but. yeah. it's still a thing. people keep FORGETTING that the tar and plague EXIST, "the devil's finest trick is to persuade you that he does not exist," etc. its these damn hyperhappy people, these superspiritual ones, that are so willing to see good in EVERYTHING that they forget that THERE IS STILL "BAD" STUFF OUT THERE, evil DOES exist damn it, STOP JUSTIFYING EVERYTHING, IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY
this forgetting and hand-waving "its okay" bullshit will be the death of us if we don’t shape up soon.
there is a fine line, there IS A LINE, MORALITY EXISTS, STOP STEPPING ALL OVER IT
the whole "sacred or profane" thing doesn't fcking apply when you refuse to acknowledge that profanity is STILL an option, you jackasses. and when you're fcking up people's lives trying to "make everything sacred," then all you're doing is sending EVERYTHING straight to hell.



other things, good things.
went for a job interview today. if we get it, we'll never have to worry about money again, haha. here's hoping. it might be tough but we're willing to give it our all.
picked cherries today. the tree in the backyard actually had fruit this year and the bugs and birds DIDN'T EAT IT. which is rare, haha. so we were up in a tree this morning, in the clear sunny weather. it was nice, if not for the literal clouds of bugs following us around.
eating is starting to hurt less. however, it's surprising, because the foods that used to hurt horrendously used to be addiction foods, possibly due to texture or self-abuse. but! now, even though we're trying to re-introduce them, we're finding that even if they DON'T hurt as bad anymore, we DON'T want them anymore. which is terrifically freeing and a huge relief. really they're still nauseating, but at least now we don't feel "obligated" to eat them, and at least now we do have that reassurance that if we have no other option, they won't cause us excruciating pain. there is still a huge amount of fear tied to eating anything that's not a vegetable, which we want to heal without hitting the opposite extreme again (forcing ourselves to eat the very foods that cause us pain "to fix the fear," it only adds to it). but we are healing. it's an odd process; the healing itself seems to happen effortlessly and without warning, like dead leaves falling by themselves. which is nice.
emmett and aimee were out momentarily today, on that note. it's good whenever they're around.
we think FIG was out???? we've been trying to pinpoint the other eating alters, one of the big ones is not human but we cannot figure out their overlay. eaters are always inhuman, often monstrous and typically vicious, because we view eating as monstrous, animalistic, vulgar, etc. so in order to eat, in order to consume and destroy, one must be an animal, a monster. you get the idea. humanoids cannot eat because it is humiliating and filthy and very very jarring. we've realized that. so yes, someone was out eating and they unsurprisingly had a lot of teeth or something, this is not a new person though, just haven't had this sort of "actual eating" situation in weeks. so fig might not be dead. i just don’t want to repeat this sort of situation, fig doesn't eat green food, emmett does, and that's what we typically stick with. but today was trying those danger foods again and someone else was out. we'll see, I guess.

we've spent most of today otherwise queuing stuff on our alternate tumblrs. we have this file full of "to queue" posts that we just stockpile, and then we just take a day or two to fill them up. we don’t really like tumblr but it is still a way to inspire people, so we keep it going because hey, one person can still make a difference. us sharing something might reach someone who really needed it, and might not have otherwise seen it. you never know. so we do that effort.
of course the system people have their blogs too, at least the people who like that sort of thing do. leon has one but he's not into blogging so he's never used it, haha. infinitii is the polar opposite, I swear ze has like 2000 things to queue, I have no idea if that’s because ze resonates with what a lot of people post? could be, that sort of alien/ angel/ shadow/ star/ etc. vibe seems to be quite prevalent on tumblr lately. but in any case, apparently jay follows a lot of blogs that post the kind of stuff infi likes, so.
jay said he likes looking at infi's blog because it's very reassuring? not sure if word matches entirely. but it fills him with a lot of deep appreciation and hope, seeing infi's vibe represented in an abstract way there, by hir own construction.


on father's day, jay had the xbox all to himself and he actually played nier for an hour.
that, plus other events lately, is making us realize that whoever was out in 2011 is STILL ALIVE. it's whatever host originally took the name "eros" but then got corrupted and faded out. well our current eros is NOT that guy, we all know that, he just has the name as it fit. but what do we call this kid then? we're saying "cupid" for now but the name does not fit at all. either way he CAN still front and he is STUCK in late 2011? every previous host is.
in any case, this is all very existential. jay is learning where his boundaries of self are, where he cannot exist, where other people move in to take his place, etc. it's important because no other host has ever done this before, but we have to now, now that we're aware that we have d.i.d. and switching is a thing.
laurie is taking it hard, even if she won't show it. her very existence is tied to the hosts/cores, and this sudden revelation that there's NOT just one, that she might deal with four or more different "hosts" per day and she might not know who they are, is very existentially shaking to her too.
she always sees jay iridos (does that name still fit him??? our current "inner core") at night, but that's the only constant now. there is at least one other white-haired host, could be up to three, we're checking past timelines, there were SO many breaks and resets since the Jay(ce) bloodline began but, just like the Jewels, they were ALL USING THE SAME NAME. so now we have to go back and differentiate these people.
xenophon's not sure how to deal with all this yet. we feel sorry for her. we all love her, but this whole parental confusion situation has got to be really upsetting for a child, no matter how much that child has been through.
jay has told her that no matter what, he'll be there for her. she still calls him dad, even if he isnt. I think that says a lot too.

boats are everywhere lately.
remember last year we were getting tons of animal symbolism? mainly deer and yellow swallowtails. all in the winter, they were everywhere.
now it's boats. EVERYWHERE. this has been slowly building up for a few months I will admit. but its all piling up. doesn't feel like it will "stick around," just like right now its message is needed and important, and once we get it, it'll sail away. (carry on, for the record)

our therapist said something interesting too, on monday. she was talking about how lord of the rings has been a huge influence in her life, literally for decades, but then after she rewatched the movies several times that urgency just faded out. like I said about the leaves earlier, same thing but positive. it played its role and now it was a free thing, no longer insistent. and she said sometimes that happens, sometimes a movie or book or song will just jump back into our awareness, and we will feel that need to revisit it, because it has a message for us again. maybe it's a new one, maybe it's an old one we didn't fully integrate or understand at first.
as she was talking I thought of "island" by aldous huxley, how genesis and I would always stop and re-read the last chapter whenever we were in the bookstore, how that same chapter is now perpetually tied to laurie thanks to the karuna event (hence the title). we have a copy of the book on our computer, but no physical copy (we really should buy one). anyway yeah I told her that when we first read it in early 2012 (the spring, a MISSING TIME PERIOD, which is actually hugely relevant so maybe we SHOULD reread it ASAP), and that Xenophon actually had to practically force us to continue through that one chapter as it was so absolutely life-altering and terrifying that we couldn't handle it. that's actually one of the only things we remember about early 2012, is sitting on that couch in the middle of the college lounge, quickly shutting down and dissociating, but she was standing on our legs and shaking us awake, calling us "dad," telling us we had to keep reading, it was important.
geez. that whole spring is a shattered mess of dissociated, uncomfortable vibes. like whoever was around at the time (probably multiple people) had a toxic-positive vibe far too often? looking back then feels TOO optimistic, like someone trying too damn hard to be "totally good" and ending up on the opposite side. which, if I'm not mistaken, is what happened in early 2012.
…maybe that's something we should re-read and discuss in therapy. the very thought is making me literally panic and want to vomit. there is FEAR tied to early 2012, the same kind of fear we used to get before a brutal thunderstorm, when the wind was whipping the trees sideways and our grandmother was cackling that a tornado was coming to tear our house down. same kind of utter pinprick dread.
and it's yellow. josephina I'm so sorry. it's a sort of washed-out yellow gray, the color of a tornado sky. which makes sense. I'm well aware that early 2012 WAS rather horrifying at times, it was a hell of a mess, it was rife with confusion and pride and overcompensating and trying too damn hard. we have forgotten virtually ALL of it, and the therapist has reminded us that is a PROTECTIVE instinct, but… we need to remember. we need to remember, especially with how much has been revisited lately, it's a frightening though but we need to remember.

oh, she also mentioned the whole "hero's journey" concept, by joseph campbell, and I remembered that we literally have an incredible book of symbolism by him right on our shelf in our room. I told her that, she laughed and took an audio copy of it off her bookshelf. well there you go! she said maybe we should reread it. considering how we literally went on a symbolism binge two weeks ago, and I've been mulling that over since then, I think we should. that book was "dropped in our lap" really; we randomly stopped at a library by our community college one afternoon, they were having a book sale, we just happened to see that book on the shelf, had some cash on hand, bought it. magic! we did read it once and I remember it was EXTREMELY informative. there was a whole section on religion and marriage which I keep thinking about, gonna have to reread that, with all the research we've been doing on purity culture and how that played into our trauma history (STILL not done with those entries, they're hard to write, I admittedly keep procrastinating as a result). so that's a thing to do.
she said the whole "hero's journey" thing really applied to trauma patients, how they are uprooted and tossed into a sort of personal psychological quest of healing. she said for us that was a good thing to keep in mind; healing and "going back home" at the end does NOT invalidate or "delete" the journey. going back home sometimes means to a different home. we said all that and she said it was true.
but yeah that's a thought about the boats too, the symbolism bit. I know they're about navigation and travel (ties into the journey thing? i know boats are also associated with death/rebirth) and also WATER, water symbolism is huge in general but especially in our System, but there's so much. we have some data we need to read through already, about boats as symbols, so we will, and then get back to you. I just wanted to mention that therapy did assist towards that topic.


last thing. the important things (truest things) are always last. that's another bad habit from childhood. "you must suffer/ endure bad things/ etc. before you deserve a good thing." and then by the time you've "suffered enough," you no longer have TIME for the good thing, or you're in too much pain to appreciate it, or something else where you ultimately lose it. we push it to the end, we end up pushing it off a cliff, it never gets written or experienced. we end up feeling empty and unfulfilled and miserable and we keep forgetting we don’t have to do this. we can have these good things, if only we'd stop "saving them for last." it's really really unhealthy. it's bullshit, laurie says.
she's tied to most of the truest things, so.
but. last night, no idea what led up to it,
lately jay has been "out of it" upon awaking and falling asleep? which isnt good. usually going to sleep is the only solid chance we get during a day to reconnect with headspace, for jay to be "out" at all, as he's an inner-anchored person. and its very important, spiritually and emotionally, for us to tune back in inside after the rush and rabble of the day outside. but, not sure if its nightmares or stress or the environment downstairs, jay hasn't been sleeping well? chaos hasn't been taking it well.
quick addition, chaos is still a mess with names, lots of conflict. he's really uncomfortable with his original name unless it contains the "zero" at the end. but he has at least four different names that he uses currently. we keep going back to "chaos" because of the profound significance that name has picked up over the years (with cosmogony myths & things), and because we really do need to stop rejecting our "darker sides" because of forced absolute positivity. yes the "sea of serenity" title still fits, yes all the dream world titles still fit, yes it all fits. but up here it's always either chaos or cz, always either the cosmic void or a naturally flawless gemstone. seriously this guy is just full of significance, it's really amazing.
but he adores jay. and jay adores him. and lately jay has been really foggy when he wakes up, he doesn't forget people or blank out, he's just really out of it. disconnected. and that sort of bleary unintended ignorance hurts a lot, because how do you get through that? it's not a wall, it's a misalignment. you reach in one direction and it doesn't match up right.
but it doesn’t stay. thank god, it doesn’t stay. that’s one thing we're all thankful for, is that jay has not lost himself. there have been a LOT of threats of a host reset lately, all of which laurie has responded to with no small amount of anguish, but it seems like jay is vitally important just as he is, even if his role seems "small." its hugely important, no matter how niche it is, so to speak.
jay's been asking lynne if she can get closer to the rest of us, kind of like how josephina is trying to put hir unexpected walls down. lynne's an oldbie so it is rather shocking that she isn't that close to anyone besides spine, laurie, and julie-- and even then, spine is the only one she talks to in quiet, with that much honesty. but she's aware of this, and it bothers her. she's orange, she's one of the "lower" spectrum colors (if you think of the rainbow as vertical), and they all have edges. again, tying her in with josephina with events lately. so we're trying to talk to her more upstairs, more openly. I mean it's kind of inevitable now. lynne's always been the stable one, the peacekeeper, the mischievous yet hospitable smile keeping everyone together. the violinist, the jokester, the idea girl, the autumn warmth. but she has an edge. and she's deeper than even she admits, too. after that attempted reset barely a month ago… there was data stored, jay saw some of it, fragments but enough. he says he feels things more than sees them. and he felt the punch to the heart as she cried, as lynne sobbed, learning that laurie was the first to go. she told laurie this on her own later, I think laurie is still fully processing that, that one of her closest friends cares about her that much. but it's good. to have this communication now, this honesty.
as for the other lower color person. the "lowest" color on the spectrum, making it the anchor between headspace and the physical, the color that was previously so important and sacred that only cores held it. red. javier's color.
so jay hasn't been sleeping so well, but he's trying. and he is genuinely trying to promote sincerity within the system, with the more he reads, and relearns, and the more we experience. he is succeeding.
we're all growing. the color realms are being built. it's surging with hope.
but last night, again, no idea what led to it, but jay ended up wondering how javier was doing. how's the red, is there a realm for it yet, we haven't spoken to him in a while, how is he? so he goes looking, but he forgets its late at night so everything is being tinged by dream now, everything is unhinging and floating into blackspace, for the night. so when he steps into the theoretical red realm he ends up seeing something like this. the way the city looked in december of 2013, when everything hung on the edge of death, and javier was brought back to life in the face of it, against all odds, against all opposition.
what jay really didn’t expect was to find javier there anyway, in tears, before throwing his arms around jay and sobbing that he loved him.
jay says he really wasn't surprised. he and javier have always felt close, from even before javier manifested. it's probably an inherent connection between the red and the white.
jay asked didn't javier love jeremiah already, javier said absolutely, but that was a different sort. softer, quieter, very affectionate. very pink. this, for jay, was something built on empathy, something sharper. something genuine in the way laurie's love is genuine, a quality that cannot occur without having shared blood, fear, honesty, secrets, trust.
so there it was. jay said then in that case he was allowed up in the core-room from then on, no exceptions. not that night, it was too volatile already, too late. but if he wanted to build on this then he had to join the club, so to speak.
so that's the state of that. javier is already rather close to laurie, surprisingly, but they don't really 'know' each other as people well enough yet. not enough mutual experiences. nevertheless javier has a great heart and laurie has already expressed how profoundly grateful and happy she is to finally be reconnecting with a Red, how she misses working with people of that color. so it's nice.
we're not worried about genesis, he immediately befriends anyone nice. chaos has such an open heart he'd never think of denying anyone an honest chance, and he always looks for the best in people anyway. and infinitii loves everything by default, so.
all in all this turns the pentagram into a potential hexagon, and if we include the two stragglers who've been hanging around for a literal decade by now, we have an octagram, how cool is that.

it's almost 2am and we really should not be going to sleep this late, that's probably whats making us so sick. sleeping during the day is ALWAYS dangerous, 95% of the time we get nightmares and/or hacks and that is not good at all. so this needs to change, which means we need to stop working late.

good night everyone. life is brighter lately, we're working hard to keep it that way.

 

 

 

 

SO
SENSUAL ATTRACTION
IS A THING
PRAISE THE LORD ITS LIKE A MILLION LIGHTBULBS JUST WENT ON

I keep thinking I'm some sort of hypersexual slut because I still like people; I still want to be close to people; I have been ashamed of wanting to just be near people and experience nonsexual physical contact for YEARS, I wasn't aware this was a THING THAT COULD HAPPEN, geez its like a huge weight has been lifted off my back.

It's hilarious in a way because it is SUCH a profound relief to have a word for this, I'm laughing and kind of crying at the same time, looking back I have been SO CONVINCED that I am a whore for feeling things that aren't even sexual.
god I am so sorry. I really am. this is so reassuring and yet its jarring for me to realize the loathsome scarlet-letter labels I've been stapling onto myself DON’T EVEN APPLY.

like I have been literally running in circles for years here. YEARS.
I've been calling EVERYTHING I do to be close to people "sex," even when it's not. I had no other freaking term for this, I didn't know there WAS a difference, I grew up in a society where people sexualize children for this same sort of innocent behavior.

The word "sensual" bothers me still for that same reason. I still subconsciously read it as "building up to sex." It's that goddamn sliding-scale shit this culture has falsely implemented. I forget where I first read that, but the gist of it is that, "once you show romantic/ sensual/ etc. attraction towards someone, you're unavoidably building up to having sex." It's bullshit. It's also basically why purity-culture diehards are terrified of even holding hands-- for fear that even THAT will inevitably result in sex-- and also why sexually abusive people will try to justify their behavior with the same action-- because "you were leading me on" or some bullshit.
It makes me utterly paranoid and that is heartbreaking because I STILL LOVE PEOPLE and I DON’T KNOW HOW TO SAFELY SHOW IT.
so much behavior has been toxified for me now, from unwisely and semi-unwillingly participating in it with people who liked such behavior. they didn’t realize what was happening on my end but it still makes me nauseous to look back on.

but yeah this is helping me at least breathe for the first time in years, now I'm not terrified of thinking someone is pretty, or wanting to make physical contact with someone, because NONE OF THAT "OBLIGATES" ME TO BE SEXUAL.


however there is still that deep, deep, horrible, gut-wrenching, soul-rending regret,
that I DID try "sexual behavior" in the past, due to profound confusion and coercion and forcing and outright abuse,
there's no solid data on it, memory cannot keep it, I'm scared to death of it, it hurts,
but it has happened. I cannot deny that. it has happened.
and then this bullshit rape culture nonsense has the NERVE to go and tell me that I HAVE TO KEEP DOING THAT because it’s the "ONLY OPTION YOU HAVE"
and then this damn confusing religious stuff tells me the SAME DAMN THING,

I don’t know, can we talk to the therapist about this?
that is literally the LAST roadblock I think,
the creeping paranoia that, from a spiritual standpoint, sexual behavior is MANDATORY.
and it cant be, not in that context at least, please, it cant be,
I know the whole male/female vibration thing is legit but that’s NOT INHERENTLY SEXUAL,
please tell these people to stop telling me I have no choice but to sell myself to be saved,
its bullshit.

I shouldn’t be swearing but I don’t know any other quick harsh terms that can express the sheer simple blunt frustration and desperation I am feeling over this.

recap. for my own sake really.
I do not experience sexual attraction, that I know, and now these articles are helping me back it up. I kept sticking that label onto everything out of fear that there "was no alternative."
I am utterly repulsed by sexual behavior actually, which is something I keep glossing over for god knows what reason, probably because my personal definition of "sex" has nothing to do with "sex" and it CERTAINLY has nothing to do with sexual biology.
so that makes this whole damn thing confusing to me too, still, after like 4 years of trying to "fix" it, I keep trying to force myself into this context that I don’t want or like or even understand, and god I just want it to STOP.

 

 

 

thursday=
virtually no early recollection outside of some dim awareness of therapy
I think that morning was the quadruple-rape nightmare? with the FAMILY.
very disturbing, probably why we don't remember this day at all
lots of nightmares lately in any case. almost all family-based.
i am aware though that genesis is getting royally pissed whenever we drive lately
he realizes just how quickly and easily we go into "performance mode" whenever there is ANY exposure to the public, i.e. "there are people around, we MUST entertain them" etc.
rules: keep the windows rolled UP when in town. do NOT play music around other cars. do NOT talk out loud in a car. he's very strict and angry about it because he sees just how fast slippage happens. so the rules are, minimize that risk, until we no longer feel the horrible "obligatory snapback" that causes us to dissociate into that behavior mode.
that night, cel and jacinth.
very telling? we've been trying to track down this kid for YEARS, turns out they ONLY come out in specific situations, cel somehow got them out.
going to have to review stuff in hindsight now.
long story short cel confronted them, I have no clue what they were talking about or doing? I'll have to see if it's on records, there are only vague location blurs. the clearest is them outside, under the cherry tree, in a thunderstorm. cel is hugging jacinth and sobbing "I love you, I love you, but I don't want this, please don't make me do this." and jacinth just has that blank mad look, the one that all numb negs get, the look that says "I exist to do that thing you don't want me to do," as well as "I feel nothing so even if I don't really "want" it either I don't "reject" it" and "I don't want to be self-aware, stop and just follow the script."
all I know is that at some point jacinth left, and cel was holding chaos and sobbing, and telling him how sad she was, how confused and hurt she was, how she wishes this could have been so different.
but this means there's another hacker gone. jasmine is gone since the retributors called her out on her shit. the androgyne is gone since laurie showed hir what ze was doing. and now jacinth is gone, now that cel made her just as strongly aware of what she was actually doing.
cel was crying though. "I loved her, but she was never actually there." told chaos it was heartbreakingly awful, knowing that you loved the soul of a person, their spark, but never really seeing that shine because they were too dead inside, they were too numb, they were too willingly ignorant or self-hating. and jacinth refused to become a person, she wanted only to exist in her programming, she DIDN'T WANT self-awareness. so when she was forced to get it, she left, just like so many of the other hackers.
I think it's notable that when Julie was faced with bitter, caustic self-awareness of that sort, SHE DIDN'T RUN but accepted what she learned, begrudgingly perhaps, but she WANTED TO CHANGE. I think she is literally the ONLY hacker to have made that choice in that situation, instead of choosing to die with their old viewpoint, or whatever is happening with these people.
hope that makes sense. it's important.
we are fighting back big time again now, and we're realizing that we have more power than any of us realized. we're realizing they never had power over us at ALL.


friday=
no memory of morning.
evening: found a bit of art motivation online, helped with willpower and confidence. somewhat upsetting though because it's like "why do so many good artists draw porn". not wanting to associate with that whatsoever.
later, jay (?) sacrificing his life for others again
chaos found out first, heartbroken, "stop giving everything of you to me"
slow suicide from WAY back.
"jay" saying he didn't even know why he kept doing this, why he kept harming himself so much and pushing himself too far, literally wishing for everything he suffered/ took out of himself/ sacrificed/ etc. would be given TO someone else to augment THEIR life instead.
chaos said he didn't want that, tried to give a lot of it back.
very vigilant now, aware that the "jay" bloodline people are not entirely "positive" and that a lot of them still hold that sort of white wintry problem.
also, more hack death. old methods/ programs are actually backfiring spectacularly now.
emphasis that programming doesn't work, at ALL, we DON’T want what they do and we are AWARE of that now, we aren't blacking out in fear and doubt.
i know at some point we decided we wanted to start the "headspace movie nights" again? i have a feeling xenophon had the loudest say in it.
so that night we rented and watched iron giant. message took strongly.
robots/androids in system appreciated it a lot, but we all have that "what does it mean to be alive/ "human"?" dilemma, "what does it mean to be alive," so the simple but meaningful "soul" bit in the movie struck a chord with all of us.
favorite bit though, "you are who you choose to be."
felt like the battlecry for our life right now.


saturday=
no memory of morning.
mother over house in evening.
outbursts? apparently anger overload. assumedly too much noise, or food guilt, or both? mother literally would not stop talking, followed us around the whole house talking, we couldn't even eat because she'd walk over and stand in front of us and chatter no matter where we moved.
someone stomped the floor at one point, foot hurts a lot.
first memory picks up AFTER that all ended, and mother is gone. no surprise.
in any case, bad food, got very sick. we are definitely allergic/intolerant to peanuts in some way, they make the body extremely sick, every time.
later, watched ted. scared to at first (we dislike R movies, as well as "adult" humor) but we mainly wanted to see how "typical media" handled such a concept.
shock of "some people out there actually live like that"
made us very sick at some points.
after movie, in light of recent events… inspiration from hotel fight scene, laurie beating up jay.
"I'm doing this because I love you" legitimacy, from her it actually is valid. I think jay asked her to as well? she's been refusing lately but something just snapped tonight.
really terrible because it is IN THE DIALOGUE after they beat the shit out of each other
and it's the ONLY time in the whole damn film that they SAY this to each other:
"I'm so sorry Johnny."
"So am I, man."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"Listen. You gotta let me help you make things with you and Lori."
"There's no putting things right; she f*ckin' hates me."
"No, John, we could get her back."
it was a direct shot to the heart, point blank, in the most unexpected place
and our laurie jumped on that and that's essentially what happened with us too.
remind me to write about that somehow, please, i dont know how but i have to.
after all that was the first time I could see her face in months.
very very sick at night from the food, scared. talked to boss for a while, cz wouldn't leave our side. said he'd help. apparently he did. there is logged, there was a moment of real solid peace, intuitively understood the "say yes to suffering in order to transcend it" paradox, going to hold on to that. huge relief to finally "get" that again.
lastly. in church, realized system map is actually 3D and we got the flowchart wrong. there's horizontal and vertical. it really is a lotus. need to draw it, modeling ideal though.
very excited over this. feels real inside again, tuning back in to us.


sunday=
woke up, nightmares again. felt like something is getting to me, trying to make me forget good dreams, haunting me
almost no memory of morning? highly dissociated, felt very sick still.
chaos was very sad? not sure why? whoever woke up didn't even acknowledge him or something, snubbed him, I don't know. but he was tangibly concerned, pained.
shopping. for food, really dumb idea in retrospect (obligatory food) but it happened.
synchronicity in car already. music.
"here I am with open arms" played, remembered how that somehow ended up as one of ryman's songs, wondering on the lyrics. fighting more shame and self-loathing there.
"got to be real," after wondering w/ genesis. song felt yellow too.
afternoon: laurie and sandman trying to manage eating disorder
main problem: typically it's done by the A.P. to avoid experiencing the actual process
eating is often disturbing and disorienting; by running it through the A.P. the dissociation allows for experience of colors and textures but not of the actual 'eating' bit. this also plays into the "don't swallow anything" compulsion as well as the purging; "eating" is actually not the intended goal here
sandman realizing that the more scared a damaged/ child fronter gets, EVEN from being "yelled at" in discipline, or being spoken to very sternly/ angrily, feeds feelings of potent fear and confusion and self-loathing; that alter will dissociate and keep doing harmful things because THE MESSAGE DIDN'T REGISTER DUE TO THE FEAR. they keep pushing through waiting for a NON-SCARY response and the reason they don't stop on their own is because they are doing the best they can at the moment, according to what they understand. they don't realize they're doing anything wrong. but they also will not listen when someone yells at them "stop that!" because they don't know how to cope with that sort of behavior and will literally block it out and continue. it's confusing but we've been trying to put this into words for ages.
also, sherlock very angry with razwell. first time he's been directly communicated with for an extended time.
razwell is weird because he's been around for YEARS but he's always been in that weird "floating room" that the "good floating voices" are usually in? hyakinth is there sometimes, still no clue why. no clue who those people are, they don't feel too "nice" they're too businesslike? but they aren't malevolent, not actively at least. anyway razwell holds "obligatory/forced humor," which is the kind of shit that you hear in the "adult world" or at school and you learn to laugh at it even if it's not funny at all, even if it's rude or scary or wrong, because you "should laugh" and that shit. but we know its shit now. sorry for the language. and razwell knows it too. he'll laugh, forced and too loud, manic almost, at the "bad jokes" just like the mother does. but then he'll start sobbing in frustration now. he's never done that before. he realizes his job is forced and void of self and i think it's getting to him. it would be nice to get him on our side. he's yellow too, maybe that's tied into this
anyway that was today.
now I'm updating




There are things after me. Bad things. I know this for sure.
I've accepted that this sounds crazy, even from me. But it's true.
That's one thing I'm thankful for, about headspace. It's taught me a lot, it's allowed me to understand a lot more than I otherwise would have. And maybe all this really is just "in my head." But that's real enough. That's real enough, good and bad. Microcosms and macrocosms, you know.
Anyway. In light of this I want to apologize, again, for the entries that have been happening here for the past few months, if not longer. You know, how everything's been so bloody bitter and angry and negative. Yes, it's good to let stuff out instead of letting it rot. But did you notice, all of this stuff is ANCIENT? Every single "bad" entry we get is old stuff. It's circular. Because the old stuff, in and of its existence, is separate from its healing. And we HAVE healed it. It's just… we're looking at it too much in a straight line. And we're all, all of us inside, walking that road at different speeds. A lot of us are past the old stuff, way forwards in the healing point, the end of that awful road, we're free, we're done with it… but we keep wandering back, either to help other people, or because of doubt or second-guessing, or because of God knows what. And when we do walk all the way back, it's like time travel. We're mired in that all over again.
It's toxic. It's dangerous. So… I don't want to post anything like that here, any more. No more rants. No more negative mindspills. From now on if anyone in the System wants to do that, we had better figure out WHY, and then just sit and listen to them for heaven's sakes, talk to them, HEAL this instead of just dissociating and letting programming or the A.P. run its course blindly.

Headspace IS our saving grace, however inelegant that original word for us may be… and I've come to realize, very strongly, in recent weeks, just how blessed we are to have ourselves. To be ourself. It's been the best thing we have, as a person, as an individual.
The Leagueworlds are their own thing. The whole "bridge the gap" bit… I think was too dichotomous. Yes, we can't be an "individual" while we're tuned in to the Leaguestuff because we CAN'T be in that state, that's how creativity and inspiration works. There's no "gap," there's just a shifting of vision. That's it! We're still here, they're still here, it's fine. And we CAN talk to each other, outside of landlocked timelines, which are like that for integrity's sake and that's important too.


I'm kind of excited now… that's not quite the right word, but it fits well enough for now. Hopeful? Grateful? Looking forward, but being happy of where we are now.
I remember what our old entries were like. Not all of them were good, absolutely not. But there were a lot more System-based entries in the past, than there have been recently. Not all of those entries were good either-- there are a few where, looking back on them, I can remember how uncomfortable we were writing them because we knew something wasn't right, even though we had just experienced something inside it felt wrong somehow, fallacious, illusory. Like the truth had been temporarily twisted, like a bad dream, from what we were letting infect our mind at the time. Headspace is fluid, and it's very easy to be led astray if you're not paying attention. There's a certain feeling to watch for, when it's real, and another one, when it's not… intuition has been sharpening a lot over the years, and I can differentiate now. It's very, very important.

What I'm trying to say is, I know what we have to do. It's all little things, little victories and things, just small lights going on. Some of it is going to take a hell of a lot of iron willpower, because there ARE nasty forces trying very hard to stop us, and twist us up, and basically screw up our progress. To be blunt, we've been weak in the willpower department lately. There's been a pervading numbness and doubt and tiredness, and it's made us so unsure of ourselves that we haven't been fighting.
Well, no more. No more.

Our edges are important.
That's something I keep forgetting.
There's an audio file on Mitchell from 2013 about that… it's beautiful and I should upload it somewhere. I should transcribe it tonight.
But… it's one of those files that means a lot to listen to, because there's so much heartfelt sincerity in it. Not all of it is, again. At times the speaker begins slipping and trying too hard but they NOTICE that and stop talking. Still… it's audible, when the things they are saying are coming from their heart. And that hits a high point near the end of the file, when the speaker begins talking about just how thankful they are for those in the System, in the "coregroup," so to speak… how thankful they were for the bright and dark sides of those beloved souls, for their softness and their edges, for all that they were.

I'm rambling now too. I apologize. This is a bit of a "non-person" state; it feels contrived and I apologize.
However. That point is important.
Edges. Sharp bits. Laurie's blades. Genesis's teeth. Infinitii's burning shade. Chaos's being. Everything about us that seems dark and terrible and damnable, everything we've tried to scrub out, too many times, without lasting success… all of that. It's important. It's blessed too. IF IT'S USED AS SUCH.
And THAT'S the vital point we keep forgetting.
There's a quote we should print out… how anything, ANYTHING, can be "sacred of profane" depending on how it is handled, on whether or not the spirit moves into it, fully and aware, when that thing is experienced.
The Light can use the Dark just as well for its own purposes, so to speak, and I think it's because when the Light moves into something, it completely changes the nature of the thing. If the thing It moved into was truly evil or bad, guess what? That Light will melt it down. That Light will completely erase it. I know. It's happened to me.
And that's the thing. Anyone who tells us, "it's neutral, who cares!" doesn't understand that well enough. At least, not the ones who spoke to us.
I'm not going to start rambling about that again. Point is, we get it. We always DID understand what WE need to do, what's right for us, what we REALLY need/ want/ are looking for, et cetera ad infinitum. WE KNOW OURSELVES.
We have to stop letting other people define us on a whim. We have to start standing up for ourselves again. We have to start being warriors again-- and that term does not mean to be wantonly violent, or cruel. A warrior is power, used rightly. A warrior is truth and strength and unflinching integrity. A warrior has compassion that does not let itself be stepped on. I know exactly what it is.

I find it very important, hugely important, that yesterday Josephina finally started the Yellow Realms. He (ze? I should ask about pronouns again really) was distraught about how Yellow was, for a very long time, a negative color for us. I'm not sure when it started, but as of late that hue has been mostly toxic. And Jo has been slipping, numbing, calcifying, probably worse than ANYONE else as of late… and, shockingly, it's been glossed over, because 1) he hasn't been around much, which ties into 2) he's been getting like this more and more for a while now. And, awfully, I think we all just chalked it up to "Yellow problems" and shoved our anxiety about it under the rug.
No. No. We will not gloss over a System member's health anymore, ever, for any reason. If there's an infected or sick Color, we heal it. If there's a person who's like that, or worse, then for God's sake we HELP them as much as we possibly can, as earnestly and absolutely as we possibly can.

That's what I miss about the old entries. Most of the Xangas, a lot of the Glissando entries. Everything that resonated within. Everything that attested to the reality of us, of our System, of our community… and I know I keep saying that but we've been falling back out of doubt or shame or loathing or fear.
No more of that. No more of that, ever. We can't afford to be divided against our own heart anymore. We cannot afford to fight our own existence anymore, just because someone else convinced us we should be doing so.

I'm going to take a break from the Internet totally for a while, I think.
We've been warming up to that lately. We've all but quit Tumblr (hackers started using it so we flat-out avoided it immediately after we caught them), and it's a huge relief, for many reasons. We honestly don't use any other website anymore, haha. So that's good.
But. I think the more time we spend offline now, the better. The Internet has been a sort of ailment for us, for a while. Yes it's been helpful, but more often than not, it's been a jail cell. It's been a chain on our ankles. It's thrown obligations and fears and performances onto our shoulders and NONE of it is necessary, and right now we're just throwing all these metal restraints off into the corner and walking away. It's freeing.
We have too much to do, to waste our time trying to impress/ entertain others and then wish "we could do more." It's easy. Stop wasting our time.



I'm really trying too hard here. I've got to stop typing "to an audience" because then it feels artificial and overly structured and forced.

All right, bullet list.

- Our "dark" sides are important, because they include our sharper parts that can STILL be used for Good IF we are wise and loving about it. There is NOTHING "inherently evil" about our rougher edges if they are handled with wisdom and care. By the same token, even something we view as "totally good" CAN be used for evil IF the usage of it is motivated by such. Be careful. Don't think too hard. Talking too much just confuses everyone.
- Josephina has the spotlight on him right now. So does Yellow in general. Help him, learn from him, this is big.
- Don't let them touch you. EVER. Laurie and Chaos WILL help you.
- Stay offline as much as possible. You know how toxic things can be.
- Don't go down any rabbit holes. Don't get lost in old tangles. If someone else in the System is, help them out. Help them heal.
- Stay aware of what you've learned. Don't let blind obligations or imitations or shit get to you and lead you astray. You know what we need to do, and what it is unwise to do, and what it is harmful to do. Don't listen to anyone who screams at you. BE WISE. Ask inside.
- Stop writing and reading bad entries. STOP.
- Write/print out ALL healing revelations and lessons and refer back to those when people feel confused or lost or doubtful. STAY AWARE. REMEMBER. STAY AWAKE.


stop trying so hard. you don't need to impress anyone. glitz and glamour will get you nowhere.

be sincere. be purely joyful and childlike if that is truly your shine. don't let anyone shame you for it. tune back into the truest parts of us and don't ever lose sight of those colors ever again.


simeon:
hi.
jay is in love again. :) that's really happy. i'm happy too.
I'm not upstairs but its nice when people care about esach other.
it makes me feel really nice.
okay bye<3


hey on that, sorry he jumped in. there's a feeling of embarrassment in here still when people come un unannounced to talk or type. it seems "fake" but then we can't delete it, that's rude, it's offensive actually.

but it's true. it's currently at a point where… everything upstairs is so real that even WHEN there are doubts, horrible doubts, they just dissipate on contact. it’s like… I can be in the same room as crushing doubt now, and see it as totally baseless. it has no merit now. THAT'S where we are. that's how genuine this is right now.
I literally cannot, cannot remember the last time things were this solid. it's amazing.
it's different in a way. the atmosphere is different. nicer, calmer, a little more blue-green. but different. things are becoming clearer, coming together better.
we are really, really learning a LOT as a System. not just the pentagape people.
simeon's right. it feels really nice.


okay headspace movie week is still on and this film has about 30 minutes to go yet so we're off. sorry about how disjointed this entry feels. I'll review it later but for now I just need this posted or it's going to just sit here.

dishonored 2 was just announced I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY ABOUT THIS that game has had a huge impact on us too, this is great, that was one heck of a boost of optimism to our night.

tomorrow is therapy. goal right now is= heal those who are yet unhealed.
she said that is definitely possible, always, even for those like ashen, who are covered in scars. we said then let's do that, let's start this process, let's heal it all.
we're being so open and honest in sessions, we've never been so absolutely uninhibited before, I have to thank cannon and hatchet for that really they're incredibly brave and brazen, we need that.
this is real progress. THIS is real progress. speaking up, and being honest, and not shoving things under the rug, and not trying to be something we're not, or can't be. THIS is progress.
forgiveness is progress too.
we're capable. we've done it. we just have to shake off the dust on our shoulders.
we are who we choose to be.

 

 

Whenever you feel distressed…

Remember back in 2010 Julie was still hacking us.
Remember back in 2013 Christina and Jess were playing the "it's God's will for you to die and for us to live" card and we were a total mess.

Here in 2015, with this awful madness with the "pagan" voices and their false "I can do whatever I want!" attitudes, THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 05:32 pm

 

this evening.

- Talking to Sergei. Told him about the "pagan" (need a new term; that's unfair to ACTUAL pagans and not self-justifying fakers like these alters) people who are trying to "sexualize nature" and make it unsafe for us to go outside. He got up, put out his smoke, sternly asked me what were they doing now? I repeated it, and I have never seen this guy angry but he was now. He said something like "not if I have anything to do with it they aren't," while now agitatedly flicking a lighter on a new smoke, something all bundled up. Watching the next bit really confused me at first; he took a deep inhale then forcefully breathed out this HUGE cloud of thick white smoke, but as he did so he got a sort of body-overlay that reminded me of a dragon??? And he's continually just blowing big fogs of smoke all around the trees. I'm watching and I felt his anger and it made me nervous, I said "don't put bad vibes into it" and he stopped, his angry vibe dropped and he lost the sudden draconic "edge," now feeling more like one of ferns than sharp scales. He started coughing on the smoke, but the coughs became tearful almost immediately and he softly crumpled to the ground by the nearest pine tree, sobbing. He put his arms around it in a sort of sideways slouch and buried his face in it, quietly saying "I'm sorry" and just generally looking terribly heartbroken. The forest was all white smoke clouds, hanging low, and I got a smell of it and realized it was SAGE smoke, he was basically "smudging" the place, that was interesting. Hyakinth showed up to try and comfort him but then he got mad too, looked at me and asked "what's going on?" I don't remember what I said; memories fade fast and either way I know the info's there for him to get.

- Quite honestly this "nature=rape" lie has been around SINCE 2012 at least, back when the Tar-Celebi was still around. Infinitii arguably still holds that problem's roots due to its connection to Black energy: raw Black energy is basically sheer creative energy, but someone is deciding that "creative" equals "fertile" equals "it exists so you MUST participate in it." That's disgusting, to be passively violently coercing people like that. Stop. NO ONE is obligated to "participate in" ANY of that.
Except, there is a belief system down in our head that does believe that, that is so paralyzed with moral fear that it will GIVE IN to that mindset, even if it means dissociating massively, because "not giving in means I am rejecting God."
To which I say: what about priests? What about nuns? What about monks? What about all those holy people who take VOWS OF CELIBACY who you IDOLIZED as a child?? Or, at least, whoever we were as a child did? What about them? They're not rejecting "God," dude, they're totally devoted to the cause. And THEY'RE not feeling obligated to go out and forcibly procreate with everything because "I was born female, nature is reproducing, I cannot resist or I will be dragged along/ forced/ punished for rejecting nature!"
Dude, just… listen. Do you hear what you just internalized there?
"Being queer is a sin against nature." Isn't that what you heard countless times in the past? Well guess what? SUDDENLY once you got into college and tried to become part of those communities, you realized they were hypersexualized, and they didn't want you. So all of a sudden the message changes to "Sexuality is fine in ALL its forms because it's natural/ progressive/ liberating/ etc.!! But Asexuality is UNNATURAL and UNHEALTHY!" Just look at all the religious and medical texts that told you that. Honestly it's sad. But LOOK. THAT'S WHERE IT CAME FROM.
And now, this awful Tumblr time-period has put a new level to that: "All these "new age" religions insist on femininity and fertility being of utmost holiness! Therefore it is the ONE TRUE FAITH and you MUST HAVE SEX or else you are NOT GOOD!!"
You notice no one is actually SAYING that stuff, that's just how our addled brain reads all the bits and pieces and insinuations and things we see. We get such awful vibes from lots of it, I sure won't read more of it. Too many "obsessive" religious mindsets start thinking they have to obey it all instantly and without question, and that's unsafe. I just had to follow a bunch more polytheistic/ Hellenistic/ etc. blogs because "we" keep re-following them? But they keep causing huge relapse mindsets of "I'm filthy, too filthy for these other gods/goddesses to care about me," but "I'm terrified of being enslaved to even more beings, especially in a worship context," and "I don't feel comfortable worshipping anything like that, and I am terrified of being ordered/ demanded to do so by some deity I CANNOT refuse on penalty of death," etc. So there's a lot of rigid panicky fear tied to it. Therefore, UNFOLLOW. Sorry whoever wants to read their blogs but it is making your/our mind sick and that's not good.

- We're trying very very hard, again-- or, at least I am-- to "leave headspace behind" again. I have to. It's been a disaster since 2012. God I wish I knew WHAT HAPPENED that year, what the hell happened that destroyed us so badly? Either way, it's been almost 3 years (I almost said 5?) and we never really pulled back together, in some way.
Which is odd. Julie… wait, no. I almost said "Julie switched sides AFTER we came back" but that means we're seeing 2012 as 2010! We're two years behind.
Infinitii's timeline, though, exists in the mindset of "we NEVER WENT to SLC!" so that's even weirder. 2013 in general feels like its own thing, I just want to say. All that funky stuff with the Underground opening up in the spring, and then the "original girls" trying to destroy us multiple times in the fall… memories of that time are so surreal and frankly I need to go back and reread them to remember lots of it.
2014, I have no clue. I literally do not remember most of it. I know in January we were gone really, after the "massacre" around Christmas, but… everything else, no clue. It's a void.

Anyway. Maybe it's capitalism biting me in the ass but I keep feeling like "headspace isn't doing shit for anyone!" Like it's utterly worthless, it means nothing because it's not "giving to other people" or "making money to survive." I'm so tired of that daily-grind latter mindset, but the former one still bothers at my heart daily.
Lately, there's been so much ugliness in this journal, and I am afraid it is infecting people. I am afraid we have largely turned into a reservoir of evil. I do not want that.



Jasmine drew a picture of herself on this computer. Someone apparently told her to, and let her, and so she did. We can't look at it; it makes us feel just as nauseously anxious as that photo of Jennifer does.
It's kind of sad? Like we know she doesn't quite understand what she's doing wrong. So part of us pities her, feels bad for labeling her 'evil.' Then we have to remember that this is the same woman that thinks its okay to expose the children in the System to sexuality because "it's nature's gift" and shit and THAT is why I am fucking PISSED, THIS HAS BEEN HAPPENING SINCE 2012 TOO.
Was it 2012? Christmas 2013 is the first recorded instance of it.
Anyway yeah. Forced sexuality into the Leagueworlds, but it's all directed towards children.
Read that again. CHILDREN.
This is why we're both freaked the hell out and disgusted. EVERY DAMN TIME we have a hacker in the System, they ONLY TARGET CHILDREN. THEY ONLY TARGET CHILDREN.
Have we spoken about this before??
They only target children, and people who are innocent/ virginal enough to count as "children" in some aspect. And in their targeting, they use coercion techniques and false sweetness to basically "passively force" these people into doing what they want, because 1. they don't understand, 2. they are not being informed so they CAN understand properly, 3. they are being told that "you MUST want this, this is GOOD," 4. this is sick. this is sick
It's like everything that CAUSED our System to develop is STILL perpetuating in loops, to everything it touches, even today.

God THIS is what we need to talk about in therapy. THIS IS THE DEEPEST PROBLEM.
This was the FIRST problem and God willing it is the LAST problem, because it is the CORE PROBLEM of EVERYTHING up here.
It all boils down to forcing a child to participate in something only adults should participate in.
It all boils down to not allowing a child to make their own choices about their own body, and their own personal space, and their own feelings of safety and privacy and comfort.
It all boils down to convincing a child that "love" in the family is all about pain and performance, while "love" outside the family is just "sex."

There's an entry about this that I really should finish writing first. Let me get to that.

Sorry for this mess of an entry. I've been sitting down too long today, I need to walk, it's sunny outside.

 

 

 

 

(massive trigger warning for this entire entry; that is a note to self as much as anyone else)

(uncensored for the sake of the equally brutal subject matter)












I am going to be totally fcking blunt about these goddamn idiots because this ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE and I don't know how the fck to talk about it and I don’t understand and im scared and I'm sad and I'm tired and I'm numb. and I just don’t care anymore, that's the problem

there is
no lets go all the way back

childhood, no understanding of sexuality whatsoever. memory also missing.
objectified passively by female family members. also disturbed by behavior of fellow girls in classes. didn't fit in with boys either. age 13 realized I wanted to be a boy instead
anyway
I must have had a vague idea of sex because by 7th-8th grade sex ed I was already terrified and LITERALLY DISSOCIATING to get through the class.
also when on that one "date" with billy I remember being vaguely worried he would rape me (we were alone and I wasn't interested in being a 'girlfriend' and I think he seemed upset?) but my only response was to DISSOCIATE AGAIN and just passively decide to "run if he tried"

but that was still age 13. I have no idea what led to that

also age 13 I should mention I DID like "girls" but it WASN'T SEXUAL but it WAS SENSUAL and I didn’t fcking understand it at all.
important clarification: I ONLY LIKED "NONHUMAN" GIRLS
remember "skittygirl," around the time I started reading TMM, they had the chaste-nudity transformation scenes, same thing with sailor moon. I was fascinated by the sailor moon ones. I would be utterly ashamed and watch the vhs tapes in private because I kept watching the transformations.
BUT I was not attracted to them. I was NOT sexually aroused. I was not even interested in dating or romancing them. the very thought of that was disgusting. but something in me was sincerely fascinated by those female figures, almost aesthetically, almost as an idea, not a body.
I used to draw skittygirl in the back of my tablet, secretly, in very light pencil so no one would see. I remember there were two pictures I especially loved and did not know why.
I've never talked about this but it's important
one was a small one, of her lying in the woods under a tree, sleeping. she was naked with her tail covering her private parts (or where they'd be if she had any), and of course she had no breasts so that was fine.
the other was my favorite. I loved it and I lost it in slc and that makes me oddly sad. it was a picture of her again unclothed, but floating like she was in space or underwater. she appeared seated, her legs were slightly bent beneath her, tilted to the left for modesty. she had her arms lightly wrapped around her chest. her eyes were closed, but there were tears in them. and her face bore that expression that others labeled as "sadness" but which to me was some nameless deep painful feeling dearer than anything else. and I would always look at that picture, blushing bright red hoping no one saw me, because I could not explain why I was looking at it, let alone why I drew it, or why I even liked it at all. I had no answers then and I really don’t have any now, that's why I'm still hitting trauma and that's why I'm typing this

there was one day on the bus when I was reading tmm issue #2 I think, it had ichigo transforming on the right page. angelbee looked over my shoulder from behind (I didn't see her there) and suddenly asked "why is she naked?" in a slightly accusatory, but joking voice. I saw the bus driver's eyes flicker up to me in the mirror and I froze in total dread and terror.
1. she was not naked and I did not want people thinking I was a pervert
2. the very thought of looking at a naked person made me sick, and I was terrified that her accusation was correct in some way, and I was a sexual deviant/ whore/ etc.
I dissociated totally at that second and I don’t know what "i" said or did after that
but I was afraid to read those books on the bus from then on, let alone anywhere.


the eating disorder was tied to sexuality too
I read an article today someone mentioned this, and bang it was right back in my head
I don’t think I ever wanted to look womanly. I don’t remember, there was a LOT of programming-- my mother & grandmother literally praised me for "filling out" and would always "help me be pretty." so I just kind of swallowed that for a while. but I remember I liked wearing sports bras way more than regular ones, all the time. and I despised skirts, I think I actually cried at the idea of having to wear one as a uniform in high school?
I still can't forget the day my parents had me walk down the school hallway in that skirt, I have no idea why, they were saying I "looked so pretty" BUT, but my grandmother said something about my behind looking attractive or something? I don’t even fcking know, she literally had me walk away from her to watch how my behind was moving, like it was "sexy" or something, she PRAISED this, I felt so uncomfortable and objectified but guess what I did? GUESS WHAT I DISSOCIATED because "feeling uncomfortable" meant "I'M the problem!" and "I was NOT ALLOWED to disagree with what was "good for me"" therefore I was gone.

but I remember by age 15 I was almost hospitalized for anorexia
I didn't know genesis then, I think I had just discovered NiGHTS, maybe I was even 14?
but it was all about wanting to be thin. tiny. flat. I didn't want breasts. I didn't want my mother's hips. god willing I never wanted to look like "other girls," although I'd never use that phrase as it felt wrong. but I saw their weirdly soft arms and hands and legs, that bizarre sort of uniformity all their bodies had, with their "innie" navels and their big chests and their rounded figures. I never ever wanted to look like that. I wanted to be a wiry young fiery tomboy forever, and when I was told that I was going to grow up into a "young woman," with all the voluptuous sexuality that got soaked into that term, I wasn't even terrified-- I couldn't cope with that much terror. my mind just blankly decided, burying all emotions due to an inability to handle them, that "I just won't look like that then."
and that's when the starving started. high school was bliss in that sense because I left the house around 5am, and didn't get home until 4pm or later, and I didn't have to eat ANYTHING that entire time. so for four years, I didn't. well almost, the teachers/parents got worried and I started packing salads around junior year I think, but even that was acutely shameful and distressing for me… people watching me eat made me feel so dirty, so wrong. I'll talk about that more later, it's complex. but I couldn't eat in front of anyone ever. I remember there was at least one day I was starving and could not go without eating even if I wanted too (I was getting dizzy and cold), and I think I took a half a sandwich or something? into the girls' bathroom. and I went into the last stall and waited until everyone left and then I very quietly ate what I could. I remember being terribly sad because I felt SO ALIEN in that school, I wanted to not feel like a freak BUT I DIDN'T WANT ACCEPTANCE EITHER, because to be "accepted" by those kinds of people would be frightening. being alone all the time was kind of sad at times, because I felt unlikable and flawed, even if I didn't understand why… but the alternative was worse. when genesis showed up in 2005 that made my life so blissfully better, I hope he realizes he literally saved my sanity for the most part.

they put me on meds for depression around the time my weight dropped to 100 lbs and I remember I put on 20 pounds. I remember standing in the kitchen one day and seeing the fat collecting on my stomach and just feeling the floor bottom out. it was existentially unbearable. that's where one of our self-abusive alters is locked in time, in that pill-pudgy long-haired green-uniformed state, age 15 or 16 or so, crushed with blinding fear to the point where they felt nothing. that was the first time in our life that the body LEGITIMATELY felt like a prison.
I don't know if julie was touching us by that time or not but she probably was

about that
not yet? I don’t know
I keep jumping from topic to topic this is very stream of consciousness. also very depersonalized. it's just data I can't be a person and talk. anyway I should make a list and print it out and give it to the therapist, of all the topics, also then use that list for a xanga session, we need one, or one hundred

where were we
high school
don't remember it.
except there was one day in religion class. only day I remember, we were sitting on the far left row, three or four seats down. the pastor passed out papers about sexuality, no idea what it said because I refused to look at it. he wanted us to read it aloud, each person reading a paragraph, starting at the far left of the class. so I was going to have to read paragraph #4.
I have no fcking idea how we did it. not only did we dissociate so acutely that we didn't hear a damn word anyone else was saying, but we SOMEHOW were able to fake "not having the paper" and we got the person behind us to pick up reading instead of us. we weren't called out on it and everything was fine. but yeah after the coast was clear, we were gone again. mind blank.
we wore stockings all the time, dark green, we still felt exposed all the time. if we fell in a stairwell we not only felt ugly and childish and dirty, with people staring at us, but we also… you guessed it… dissociated. the shame was too great. not only did we fall so clumsily, like a fool, but we were wearing such an exposing getup… it was terrible. when you trip and fall in a skirt you not only lose all sense of dignity and respectability, but you then feel like a dirty, babyish object. I felt filthy. I felt so filthy all the time at that age

you notice that disturbing sentence, "babyish object," I don't know why the fck that's so true but it IS. it always has been and still is, I don’t know why

there was another article we read today. let me quote it.
"Youth is sexualized for the same things purity culture advocates for: purity, innocence, “untouched”, inexperienced, etc."
basically if you're "undamaged goods" you're "more desirable" or some shit
and our DAMN MIND immediately thinks "uh-oh I have to make sure I'm desirable" like WHO THE FCK CARES
WHY DO YOU "WANT" THAT DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
this is what I mean about fcking PROGRAMS


I look like a kid. Okay? In my mind's eye I LOOK like a kid, somehow. I carry a lot of the traits.

I find it disturbing that Julie did too. She was the internal manifestation of everything we saw as "sexual and therefore lethally threatening," but… she had pigtails, she popped bubblegum, she wore ribbons, she wore pink. The only thing non-childish about her was her bust and her scanty clothing. But that just hit me now.
The opposite… we realized in therapy. "Womanly" women, those who are built big in the hips and chest, "motherly" women OR even worse, "sensual" women… scare the shit out of us. They terrify us totally. I don't know why. But we have no adults in our System as a result. No one is "grown up" because for us, "growing up" meant growing into that sort of loud, skanky sensual shit. Perfume clouds and fake lights and tight dresses and jewelry.
Guess what we had to do as a youth.

God this fcking hurts. It fcking hurts.
When we were younger we were dolled up all the time. As a child we were in beauty pageants. We always had to wear caked-on makeup, lots of jewelry, fancy dresses, heels… it scares me now. I was like seven fcking years old and they had me dressed like a grown woman. Back then I don't fcking remember, I probably just thought it was cool to wear jewelry and look like a princess-- because I wanted the power and the gems and the dragons. I didn't give a shit how "pretty" I was, especially not according to other people. Actually I NEVER thought of what "other people" thought of me, that was a constant. But… looking back it's disturbing now. God. How did I never ask myself if maybe some subconscious treatment got into our brain from that.
So we were, however "passively" or "innocently," sexualized in that aesthetic manner as a child. I don't know about anything else. I need to sit down.

When I say parents, I mean female parents, my dad/grandfather had NO hand in any of this which is why common "purity culture" baffles me. There were like NO men in my life at all, besides my brothers of course, who I identified with. But yeah, when other people talk about patriarchal bullshit I get confused at first, because that very same bullshit was perpetuated by women in my life. Same source, unusual application.

Teenage years… I remember feeling the pressure to be "as busty as possible" because my mom/grandmother were actually DISAPPOINTED in me being built smaller, I remember one day (all our memory flashes are existential you notice) standing in the bathtub, and being suddenly acutely aware that the voice in my head saying "I need to get bigger (in that sense)" was NOT ME, and that way deep down under that I actually didn't want them to grow at all. It was disturbing to realize that part of me was actively fighting ME, that there was a "whole other consciousness" driving my body that was at TOTAL ODDS with what my personal soul actually wanted.
That "other" is still around and they are making life a living hell but we're not talking about that right now

I don't want to talk about late high school. 2008 or whenever. Q. He doesn't deserve any of the shit we've stuck onto his memory and I will tell you why, it hit me why this morning.
He was INNOCENT. He was ALWAYS INNOCENT, he did NOTHING WRONG, BUT!!!! BUT HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT WE DID NOT FIT INTO THE EXPECTATIONS HE HAD OF A "GIRL"
Hell I don't think WE even said anything until it became so traumatic we snapped and people started screaming at him online (which I only know about because there's a screencap of it somewhere? used to be at least, surreal).
But. He was nice. He is nice. He went for the whole traditional dating thing, dinner and a movie, a walk outside, kisses goodnight, etc. At least I think so.
Honestly it was so confusing. We were so hyper-programmed at that time that we couldn't make sense of our own feelings without putting other peoples labels and scripts onto them. We loved him dearly as a friend. We loved that he was interested in the same stuff we were-- dreams, psychology, OCs, ELO, poetry and stuff. He shared our interests and that was UNHEARD OF for us. Of course we loved him for it. But that's not loving a person, not really. That's loving the reflection of yourself IN that person.
I didn't notice until I found an old IRC printout just… how shallow we really were around him. How contrived our responses were, how little we actually talked. And that breaks my heart, to wonder if maybe he fell in love with a program, with a mask, precisely because that's what it was built for. We were groomed, from childhood, on exactly how to be the "proper young lady" and we learned HOW to talk and act and walk and be. We learned EXACTLY how to make people happy, how to stay safe and innocuous and unassuming, we learned exactly how to be what other people wanted. We were "perfect" because perfect is just a set of surface traits, and we were nothing underneath.
That became pretty profoundly clear once he met us in person.
…It hit me just how tangled that first "I love you" got. I remember the person (spinny?) on the porch, with Genesis, being scared to say it, nervous as hell. But… they felt that sort of love for so many people around that time and none of them ever panned out. It WASN'T "love," not the kind that settles in the heart like an ember, not real love. It wasn't even attraction, or infatuation, or romantic shit. It was "I love you as an idea." It really was, and that breaks my heart, and that's terrible. "I love you because you listen to me talk, and you're nice, and I have NEVER had friendships before, let alone ones as nice as this, so I literally cannot tell the difference between platonic and romantic love."
Everything we learned about "romance" we got from comic books. We were a walking shojo manga. We didn't even mean half of what we said; we were just so damn good at acting and emulating, that we were able to "get into character" of who we were copying and never even questioned it. Then… then came the aftermath.
I know that like a month after that "I love you" part of us hated him. It was because now, he wanted to be our "boyfriend." Now he was being romantic. And so we no longer "loved" him because to us, this wasn't the boy we "loved" in the first place. Now he no longer existed in that floaty, intangible creative space where we could love ANYTHING. Now he was a REAL PERSON, now he was a HUMAN BEING, somewhere off in Salt Lake City, now he was a boy with a body and a life and he wanted to meet us and god damn it but we didn't want any of that, we didn't want anything to do with him anymore, once he stopped being a dream, once he stopped feeling like an extension of ourself.
We couldn't "lie" or act anymore after a certain time period anyway. I know 2009 we didn’t talk at all? I think? Time was weird. But by 2009 headspace was now front-and-center permanently, no more fake personae running the show unchecked. That put a nail in the coffin of any "relationship" too.

But… bottom line is the kid was innocent. He had NO IDEA what was actually going on. To be honest WE were the dishonest ones, whether we realized it or not, we strung him along thinking we were some sort of ideal nice pretty girl, when in reality we were just "acting the way he'd like us"… we always did. "Present yourself in a socially acceptable way." Learn how to say JUST the right things, always, so people like you… basically, be a puppet. Be a doll. Be a pretty little doll so people love you.
But damn it if you really love a doll you will love that thing until it's old and broken and worn down and patchy, and then you will love it until it's dust and beyond. If you're going to love a person you'd better love them the same way, who the fck cares if their face is painted or not, who cares if their words are golden or flowery or sweet or not. You fall in love with the new-car-smell and that's not what the fcking car is about. I hope you get what I'm trying to say because this is frustrating and it's not even the biggest point.

I don't remember the trip in 2010, not right now, I'd have to sit and REALLY dig through memories and I do not have any "spoons" right now whatsoever so that's not going to happen tonight, plus I'm still typing, it's 1AM, I don't give a shit this is important.

2012. That trip, there are a few things I remember, let's please review them again, the kid was innocent, that's why we "hated" him. We DIDN'T. We hated the dissonance that we could not resolve. We hated the fact that here was this sweet, wonderful, nice kid, who (by that time) we DID love as an actual human being, as a person, albeit platonically… here he was, doing things that were so fcking terrifying to us and he didn't mean to. He didn't realize it, he didn't intend anything bad, it was just a product of past and circumstance, and he got stuck in the middle. We hated what we saw in him, that wasn't even him. And I am so sorry.

Few things. One, the infamous "Q thing," which we refuse to call that anymore, the moment in the kitchen when he put a hand on our face and just looked at us in this way we didn't understand and still don't. someone called it the "good night jenny" phenomenon (wow that's horribly ironic) because it was this romantic thing? like when people are romantic they do these weird, melodramatic, sappy things? because they CARE? and we don't understand it at all, even if we think "well if they care that's really nice I'm glad" but when it happens to US it is TERRIFYING.
so here this boy is, hand on the left side of our face I think? giving us this odd look and wait a minute. wait.
we were smiling FAKELY. I know that because we were SUPER dissociated and about three feet behind the eyeballs already. plus frozen in fear because hello physical contact. but. BUT.
maybe he saw that. maybe he suspected that. god maybe he SAW something was up but didn't know WHAT, that's what that weird look probably was, he looked CONCERNED and we couldn't understand it because we were too busy smiling like a fcking poster and trying to guess how we were supposed to "properly react" in such a situation, ignoring the screaming alarms going off in the head. like trying to hold a fcking catwalk pageant with the fire alarm going off. that sort of cheap ignorance for the sake of "looking pretty" and "holding to standard."
but god maybe he had a feeling. I feel so so so bad now.
but we called it the "Q thing" because
god
chaos did the same thing, he always knew, he's capable of romance, we're not, god we're sorry we're so damn difficult to live with. that must be so hard to deal with.
there's nothing wrong with touching people in innocent ways like that but even that sentence has me dissociating and stopping breathing and that's the problem

to us there is no such thing as "innocent touch"
NO SUCH THING
it fcking sucks, it breaks my heart, and THAT is why there are so many goddamned abusive alters in here,

we were talking about this with the therapist.
as a child we had no personal space really. the brothers did. we didn't. we didn't have our own room. we didn't have our own bed. there were several times when we'd be trying to get dressed in our room and the mom/grandmother would just walk in on us, half-naked. we'd scream and try to cover ourselves and they'd either (mom) get snippy and mad that I hadn't locked the door, shaming me for it before leaving, or (grandmother) say "what are you getting upset about! I'm not looking at you" and proceed to do whtever the fck they wanted to do while we assumedly froze or hid or something, I don't know
there was one time at a fair, we had to get dressed in the car? not the first time
but this time was bad because the windows werent really tinted and we were in a realy public place,the mom had us go in the back seat and literally get changed. this memory is odd because I only remmeber two things: one, the fact that we were in the car, and two: feelings of entrapment, fear, shame, rage, etc. the emotions were so bad. we actually wanted to cry, hot angry scared tears, we wanted to say NO, we wanted to say GET ME OUT OF HERE, we wanted to say TAKE ME BACK HOME, I DON'T WANT TO BE AT THIS STUPID FAIR ANYWAY, but we couldn't. we couldn't say anything. we had to get undressed, we had to be half-naked at least, inside this little cramped car, with people around us, like an animal on display. that was the ugly filthy child feeling again, the same thing we got in high school if we fell. undignified, shameful, dirty. no respect. no sense of humanity. a display.

we got used to that on some level I guess
got used to always being walked in on, and "having to be okay with that" because otherwise you were scolded or shamed for being silly or childish or "making a problem out of nothing," no one EVER said "it's okay to set your own boundaries," no one EVER said "you have a right to speak up if you are uncomfortable," no ONE EVER SAID IT WAS OKAY TO SAY NO, EVER, I WAS NEVER GIVEN PERMISSION TO REFUSE ANYONE LIKE THAT
it was always women, that's the stupid part, it was always the women, never the men,
that's why I feel so bad about Q, we had no way of knowing how to deal with this bad stuff suddenly being reflected in him unintentionally= what I'm trying to say is we never let him know about these problems we had because "I shouldn't have problems" AND we still believed we had no space, no rights, no voice, etc.
plus, please forgive me, the religious bit
god the religious bit is the WORST, the worst, the worst, to this day, that and the spirituality
but first. the
the channeling stuff
god this is hard tot ype
chaos translating badly into a human body and Q telling me what happened, it made sense but it was still disturbing to me because I don't GET human bodies, I remember eros was laughing and said it was fine but really it WASN'T all fine, no, it was fine we understood the mistranslation but but but
that stuck in our heads for YEARS and we DIDN'T TRUST HIM FOR ALMOST AS LONG REMEMBER?????
remember, fck you idiots who say this is "fine," remember we were so damn fcking terrified that the phrase "marital lust" had been used in conversation discussing us that we AVOIDED HIM FOR AGES because we were TERRIFIED
Q didn't mean that you jerk, he meant the goddamned merge drive being translated wrong, like it ALWAYS IS, and you know what THAT'S PROBABLY WHY WE WERE SHAKEN UP.
damn mistranslations. "he loves you, he wants to bond with you like that," yeah no shit I KNOW, I do too, but damn it why the HELL do human bodies only have ONE FCKING OPTION i hate this i hate this I HATE THIS

everything else was fine. god that kid was so good to us, he was so nice, he was a godsend, but I don't even fcking REMEMBER him, I don't even remember the channels god forgive me. I remember a few soft blurs and light flashes from that one night, the one with the light on the left, the best one. god those memories are so soft. they're so kind and nice and I want to cry thinking about them because it was heaven, it was heaven, yes chaos was TANGIBLY there, no question at all, but damn it we KNEW FULL WELL that he was ONLY THERE BECAUSE Q LET HIM BE, Q acted as a conduit for the most beautiful experience of our life up to that point, god did we even thank him??? did we ever thank him enough?? did we ever emphasize how much we TRUSTED him to ALLOW that to happen? did we ever tell him that if we didn't love him a hell of a lot in his own way, that night wouldn't have happened at ALL?? I mean shit yeah you're channeling someone else who doesn't feel or even look like you really, there was no doubt it wasn't you, but you were still in there, in the back, waiting for when he left. it was still your body acting as the vessel. like ours does for everyone else in here. but you, it was just you, please realize this is IMPORTANT faces are super important for us you are NOT SCARY and god we were NEVER scared of you, ever ever, we love you, we really do, we hope you don't mind the fact that you got kissed secondhand 4 years or so after you first asked, it's kind of funny but we did realize it'd happen. that's what's important. we never hated you. we hated that our trauma tainted our friendship and shattered a relationship we couldn't have because we were too damn broken and you were too damn pure and honest and we didn't want to make you feel like us. we didn't want to stand up to you because you were nothing TO stand up to, it was just all our demons clouding the sky, we didn't tell you we were scared because it wasn't your fault. do you understand
we hope you think fondly of us even though we never talk anymore, you were only ever this great green-blue iridescent thing to us, that's wonderful, you were never frightening. ever.
so we're sorry for hurting you unintentionally
we're sorry for never being able to be totally honest with you, because we didn't know how to be honest yet, we didn't know what was going on,
we're sorry for not knowing who the fck we were all the time, we're sorry for swearing, it just aches.
we're depressed and we don't feel a lot but we are genuinely sorry and we genuinely care.
those three months living in an apartment with you both were three of the brightest months of our life even if we don't concretely remember them, the snips and flashes we have are lovely, we don't regret a moment of it, yes even the "troubling" bits because damn it if we had just COMMUNICATED things would have gone perfectly but no, no at that time we were swamped with bad fronters, you dealt with the abusive eros and all the faceless socials and the self-hating e.d. people and all that. you saw some ugly-anchor people come out. and you never knew. and we didn't know. and we were so troubled but we buried it because damn it we loved you both and just wanted it to work. but we weren't working, inside. it was too much to ask for.
I'm sorry. the manic who packed our suitcase singing to "eskimo boy" while you stood outside the door, mel, they didn't even know who you were. they didn't know what the hell they were moving back to or away from. if we were angry, it was because we felt… rejected?
we did we felt like you both really didn't want us there. like we weren't really welcome. and personally we felt like such a freak, we didn't know what to do,
but damn it in our heart we NEVER wanted to leave, at least, we never wanted to leave what we remembered of it. it became a dream, an ideal, to us, a glorious lovely thing. maybe it wasn't but damn we don't remember the bad days, if there were any, that's how we survived
I don't know
I'll think about and write that down later
point is, Q, we are sorry, you are lovely, please forgive us
and mel, same to you, we don't remember much of you (we need to re-find 2010) but you were never bad to us, ever, at all, either. hell you were the nicest thing. I guess we just never felt we knew you as well as we wanted to. but we were both troubled at the time. and it just didn't work out as we hoped. an unstable binary system.

where were we
oh, the touch thing
yeah that's weird because… that's why we blank out whenever it happens, WHENEVER it happens, doesn't matter if it's Q or chaos or mel or infi or anyone… anything that's "touch" we dissociate instantly. it's too tied to fear and trauma and shame and confusion and pain
why??
CHILDHOOD.
no personal space equals people can touch you "accidentally"" and NOT APOLOGIZE, even if it's scary and it hurts, "don't whine," basically "I didn't mean to make you react this way BUT now that you did, I'm pissed that it's making ME the villain, therefore shut your mouth and stop having a problem."
sad but true.
the grandmother still has NO sense of propriety or personal space, sometimes it's really really bad, I don’t want to say the worst one, okay fine, a few months back we were standin gin the kicthen cooking and she needed to get into a drawre where we wers standing so she (without telling us or satying anything) knelt down on the floor behind us and actually stuck her head between our legs to get to it'
yeah so
things like that, whenever she wants us to move she NEVER says "move" or "excuse me," she puts a hand on our shoulder and will actually steer us out of the way, it's very upsetting and it feels dirty, we don't like that kind of touch, especially not without any explanation or forewarning

the mother, the mother we don't hate her can we PLEAES call her the sister she is NOT OUR MOTHER
not a "mother"
biologically but that's it, at least I mean she's not a bad person she did super nice stuff for us growing up BUT, but she was never a "MOTHER," that's the point, no pink affection, no safety closeness, no no no, no
her vibe is totally wrong for it, TOTALLY WRONG, maybe that's where the trauma comes in more too, anyway not the point.
point is she
she was talking to the therapist on the phone apparently, therapist told us, mother/sister was saying about how we have a problem with being touched, said it was "utterly ridiculous" and didm't know why we "couldn't just get over it already," therapist said she bit her tongue, didn't argue. but she said it wasn't ridiculous, that made us feel a tiny bit better, it's difficult learning that it's okay to protest things,

the mother does bad things with touching,
well not intentionally, but BAD,
she
the dancing thing, did we write that here, we couldn’t talk about it without heave-sobbing for weeks after it happened,
in our room we have a computer desk in the top left corner, the desk wraps around to the right. so when you're at the computer you are in a little 24-inch spot between the wall and the desk. so one night we're at the computer (standing as it hurts less sometimes) and the mother must have wanted us to watch her videos? she's alwaus fcking forcing us to watch her romance shit and she stands WAY too close and breathes down our nect and makes that horrible grunting noise because she always holds her breath? but
but we don’t like the videos theyre all pop culture sexuality and blatant contrived romance and it makes us very uncomfortable and she'll force us to watch it and then cry and look at us and say "wasn't that beautiful?? wasn't that beautiful???" and we feel really uncomfortable because the video made us unfomcrtable and we KNOW she wants us to say yes, and cry, and fawn over it, but we can't fake that anymore,
anyway I don’t know how we got ther or what we were watching but we end up trapped in this little tiny space with the mother literally bump-grind dancing agintst
d
don’t talk about it
it was really scary. bad bad bad dissociation happened it was actual "fear for life" feeling, can't run cant hide cant protect yourself so brain kind of overheats then thermal shutdown. very bad feeling'
sot that was the worst of it

certain kinds of touches are okay though. we don't calle them "touches."
"soft" touches are NEVER EVER OKAY, EVER, that's why we're sorry Q, we never told you, we were ashamed to tell you, you were just being honest in your own way and we were just trying to like it too, for you, to be "good" to be what you wanted/neede,d but we couldn't I'm sorry
but, soft touches are BAD, especially when they MOVE, god no no
why the fck do we have MEMORIES OF THIS STUFF
WHO DID THIS TO US, WHO
was it all julie???? god how do we even TALK about that,
we didn't even know tactile hallucinations were legit until recently, does that even COUNT
who the fck experiences abuse in an explicitly d.i.d./ dissociated/ psychotic envuronment, how the fck do you talk about that in therapy, we need to put a damn book out there NO ONE goes through this shit,
is it legitimate, do we have a right to heal, was tere ever any pain in the first place, did we make it all up..
its all so distant and scary BUT stuff us happening NOW its WORSE in a horrible way that's what we're tryng to get at keep talking

the only good kinds of touch are brutal. hard. non-intimte. non-personal.
if someone touches you to be "friendly" or "socially welcoming" or whatever it is awful. stop it.
even in close situations, even when alone with someone we trust, NO soft touches EVER, it has to be deliberate, almost depersonalzied, is that weird?
like we don't like people looking at us as a person. we like people looking at us like an idea.
or an object. ironically.
that’s so stupid but its true
that complicates things a lot
people will talk to objects, hit objects, hug objects, etc. without treating them like "people," same with pets, that's what we want. it's comfortable. it's not so piercingly badly direct. but it's honest.
laurie's the best at it, everyone knows, everything she does has tension behind it, it's bliss really
but the pain problem is a whole other damn thing, we're not there yet


you know what here read this fcking article please
https://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2013/05/24/asexuality-and-purity-teachings-can-be-a-toxic-mix-christine/
i'm going to talk about it tomorrow with all the other topics, but god, it is too accurate, it says more than i can about too much
i'm actually in fcking tears reading this damn thing, let me just change the topic for now there's too much



you know,you know, e had a thing on xir page once, "you like the characters that remind you of yourself," I still need to think about that more in a non-childhood context but lately it's been upsetting with the leagueworlds
all our favorite characters there have been battered in some way, badly realy, but they have such soft and-or genuine hearts and they just keep going, doing their best,
psyche is the main one lately, vez counts too, devonal, tox, xorane, delphi even, hosea, monika, all the people with hearts that are BROKEN OPEN and even if they might not be the nicest people there is that genuine rawness in them, something that leaves them totally capable of the most sincere feelings, however buried. but it's damage, damage that leads them there, it's terrible
we love people like maitru too, who are so so damn innocent, to the point where it becomes a fire of courage almost, something that CANNOT shatter even when gone through terror, it's REAL innocence without ignorance, it's our ideal. become something unbreakably true and good and loving. but she was never traumatized, she's built differently from us, she stayed the golden child that Jewel is, so to speak, our secret awful wish is to be that all the time, get rid of the trauma forever, but now we're a damn ADULT what do we do


I used to think maybe I was autochorissexual because I fit the bill in some ways BUT
I still don't want OR LIKE "sex"
no matter WHO is having it
but
I KEEP FORGETTING WHAT "SEX" FCKING IS
THAT LABEL GETS SLAPPED ONTO EVERYTHING I FEEL REMEMBER, IT'S FCKING BULLSHIT
that's the damned catch here, AND this goddamned body works in ways that I DON'T and I DON'T WANT THAT
ever ever, only, remember we used to "ship" characters in high school, always unable to tell what's platonic and what's romantic, NEVER sexual, NEVER flirty, always chaste but damn sincere. always. it was the intensity of all the media we saw but with no kissing, no touching, nothing like that. but ALWAYS THIRD PERSON. fck no we never wanted that physically. sorry Q. that was the problem too. online WE were third person, too.
so was hoseki. that's why headspace WORKED. that's why/how she COULD love so many people. once we started seeing through our own eyes, being in the body… we couldn't "love" anymore. we couldn't. the body itself forbade it.
what is it with this damn body, it has its OWN consciousness, we all know it, we can feel it, it's NOT NICE, why the hell won't it let us love ANYTHING

but third person is the brilliant blessed ideal, it's required to exist really
first person means the damn body gets in and starts hating things
it's better to detach from all sense of "self" and just watch yourself as a chosen form, interacting. that allows for honesty and sincerity and purity and love. no contamination or programs. always 3rd person.


why are we so hungry at night I mean we eat a lot, don’t we?
is it because we end up spitting so much back up
you know that’s a very psychological thing, there's so much PURGING going on with us, in ANY/ALL contexts, I think it's the desperate want to just empty out this body of all the negative stuff in it
same reason why we fear swallowing, we don't want to take in any more shit,
the weight is bad too,
god it's all so old.
it takes delicate care to manage this, care and compassion,
and the social fronters DON'T HAVE ANY OF THAT


there's three songs jay's been looping for days now (is this jay?? vaguely at times. lots of bleedover from lots of people like this. in autopilot typing mode of course). they sound just like him.
reminder: do those 8tracks things because tying music to people is so accurate, it catches what words can't, it'll be lovely and anything that reaffirms our existence is a good thing, capital G



what topic do we need to discuss before we get into this damn horrible modern topic
where's that list. lets do that.

1. young asexual, baffled on what "sex" actually was
2. nonsexual liking nonhuman girls age 13
3. eating disorder wanted to stay childlike build
4. highschool alone but didn’t want association w/ peers
5. dissociation from weight gain, sex ed, 'pretty' objectification
6. shame of falling, no dignity, feeling dirty, "like a display"
7. sexualization of purity/innocence (tied to 2)
8. programming being at total odds with soul wants (tied to everything)
9. Q was an ideal, we didn't understand romance
10. always trying to "please everyone" at own expense, SLC triggers
11. touch problems, "no innocent touch," hard contact different
12. third person perspective needed for any sincerity

i think that works
saw two or three topics we didn't discuss yet, they all kind of tie together.

another article we read, and want to quote, ties into eating disorder vs sexualization bit.
"Modesty was not just about dress. It was also about moving like a lady… It is impossible to get physically fit while adhering to ladylike movements only… I was so embarrassed that somebody might walk in front of me while I was on the machine… I started going to the gym the moment it opened in the morning and avoiding exercise when men were present. In this instance, modesty was literally keeping me weak."
terribly relevant article, everything we read today was
but anyway yes that is a BIG THING we struggle with a LOT, and have for years, no idea when exactly it started but it's at least 5 years old.
biggest difference with us is this girl was afraid of "tempting men" with her body, just existing as it was.
we, on the other hand, didn't even really realize that men WERE literally sexual until like, college. it was a totally foreign concept to us personally. so although we were blindly and smilingly dressing/acting/talking to appease men, due to that whole teaching, we were never afraid of them. or if we were some totally different person holds it. again i'm sorry memory is weird. however i am very aware that we were mainly afraid of "tempting women," AND any abusive programming-tied alters by the same token. so it was VERY dangerous because you could not run from the latter. and they were always there. waiting for the deep-horrible programming to be triggered, that same shit, to let them out. blind things. awful things.
i don't want to talk about this yet

13. exercise problem, triggering programming (objectification)

next thing…
oh. the big guns. okay.
14. the pain problem, and
15. the religious/spiritual problem
GREAT the two worst ones! that we struggle to talk about ALL THE TIME. and which are tied probably. also to everything else too.

it's 3am I don't have time to talk about those damn it
therapy is tomorrow anyway I PROMISE I will try REALLY DAMN HARD to talk about those both. we've been trying and I think she's going to ask about 14 specifically.

but

god I came on here to type about the shit that keeps happening and
I'm just going to bite the bullet

I think this is depression. this all-pervading apathy. plus programming.
BUT the therapist reminded us. the body just wants to survive, at all costs. this can make it do some PRETTY AWFUL SHIT. d.i.d. is a survival mechanism but it also doesn't play nice. if the only way to survive a toxic situation was to become someone toxic, THEN THAT HAPPENS.
that's our problem
explicit "blank" dissociation isn't feasible for interactions, like at school or work or with family SO, in those situations alters must exist in order to "safely survive" or some bullshit.
REMEMBER the body defines "survival" as "not being dead," WE define survival by "keeping the soul intact," THEY DON'T LINE UP ALL THE TIME, we lose too much.
read that. please. it hurts.
we lose too much.
the body decides, thanks to the depression haze, "nope, fck you people, too much effort to care or fight anymore, I am too damn tired, just get it over with."
just smile and take it, really
the bullshit they wanted us to do as a kid has FINALLY kicked in, thanks repeated trauma and prolonged stress. that was sarcasm. no thank you, this is hell, this is bullshit

the RELIGIOUS PROBLEM
MAKES THIS WORSE
I really don’t want to think about that any more today. but I have to summarize.
as much as I can at least, today I'm reading about "purity culture" and although a lot of it is totally alien to us (so much talk about men??? but I guess that's normal?) we can empathize with WAY TOO MUCH and so I am educating ourself. hence the quotes earlier. it really is helping get a grip on just WHERE and WHY these toxic programs came from, outside. it helps get a grip on what they are and WHY they are problematic, god willing (ironic perhaps) we will be able to finally heal them as a result. it's tough to pin this shit down when it's NORMALIZED after so many years.
but
shit
I really reallydont want to think about that anymore.

another relevant quote:
"The purity movement both praises and demonizes the asexual person’s identity – which makes it the only queer identity that receives such treatment. It’s good – up until the point when it becomes a problem to be corrected."


this "twin flame" thing
god I don’t even know what that's ABOUT anymore, it's been years since we read about it,
the gist is essentially that creation is polar? masculine/feminine are words we give to the two kinds of creative energy, they work in harmony, it's a universe thing. that manifests on this level as the binary physical sexes of things, to allow for procreation in that sense.
HOWEVER
three problems.
one, people in these spiritual communities saying "therefore, everyone has a counterpart of the opposite energy polarity!" and STRONGLY insinuating that this requires sexual union of some sort,
two, the resulting fear that "you NEED a relationship of that sort in order to be a PROPER SOUL," i.e. that it's a universal constant and if you're asexual/aromantic you REALLY ARE BROKEN AT THE CORE,
and three, us not ever fcking realizing that when OTHER people say "sex" they mean intercourse and procreation and touching and shit,
YEAH WE'RE REALLY CONFUSED.
so you see where THAT fear is coming from, on top of the "purity culture" thing WHICH SAYS,
1. a female-sexed body is inherently sexual,
2. if you have a female-sexed body you MUST "save it for a man,"
3. as well as "protect men from it,"
4. your purity will be the measure of your desirability,
5. you must get married and have children and be totally subservient to your husband,
6. good luck if you're not cis, straight, sexual, or romantic
you get the picture. bull SHIT.
except we believe it.
except we STILL FCKING BELIEVE ALL OF IT on some level and it is HELL.
so.
do you get an idea
of what it is like living with ALTERS WHO RUN ON THAT SHIT

god I want to cry
I really fcking do I am miserable

the pain problem
the fcking pain problem
ties into all sorts of shit
we're discussing it with the therapist.

a piece we never put with it before.
1. we never had a "mother" figure growing up.
in other words, we never had someone to give us PURE SAFE COMPASSION and affection and closeness, MOTHERLY things, soft pink fluffy light vibes, as a child. none of that. NONE of that.
instead the person we called our "mother," and our grandmother who effectively WAS our "mother" from a caretaker standpoint… both of them used pain and anger and fear as disciplinary action.
the problem was, disciplinary action was the only time we got real attention.
you see where this is going
the mother did a lot for us. seriously, we thank her profusely for it and we are very glad for it. she took us to fairs and concerts and movies, she read to us and paid for our music lessons, we went on walks and played games together, etc. yeah for us personally a lot of it was VERY sensory overwhelming but the experiences were largely good. we're glad for that.
but. her presence in those things was utterly minimal, as a mother. all the time, she was a KID, she was someone I called "mom" but really who fit the bill of an older sister, or a single woman who was just around when I was. she didn't act married, she didn't act like a parent. I hate to sound cliché with that but it's the gist of it.
but. and this breaks my heart.
none of my parents were loved by their parents. NONE of them.
my grandfather, grandmother, and father were all outright ABUSED and my grandmother justified it, even when telling me she "almost died" and she "couldn't forgive her father for years" and it "still hurts to think about." god that is SO FCKING SAD why didn't she tell me before now, I'm fcking 25 years old and NOW my family is telling me that THEY went through shit too??? and now their behavior makes sense but it's SO SAD
my mother insists that my grandparents were very non-affectionate towards her, and she was very rebellious and angry towards them I know so. still is. but if my grandparents had such shitty treatment then it's NO WONDER they didn't know how to raise a child. plus i know for a FACT, because I've SEEN it, that their marriage is abusive. like it's terrifying sometimes, it comes out of nowhere
sooo stick those four people in a house together and give them a new baby to raise and something's gonna get fcked up somewhere down the line.
anyway that's not the point. I love them and forgive them totally. BUT.
the pain stuck. it's good, but it's bad.
they did not know how to show affection, largely. my dad did the best. he promised himself he'd never treat his kids like his parents treated him, and he really did a good job, as well as he could manage. I deeply am thankful for that.
but. the grandmother would hit us as children, if we did something bad. oftentimes I didn't know why.
and I have no fcking idea when that changed from "uh-oh, I'm in trouble, I'm gonna get beaten" and the paralyzing fear, the hiding anywhere I could find, the desperate hiding of sticks and belts so she couldn't harm us, into suddenly wanting to be hurt?
it had to be around whatever time I started biting my arms and banging my head off the walls to relieve stress and anger and other awful overpowering emotions I couldn't express or understand. self-inflicted pain was profoundly reassuring in some terrible way, when it wasn't self-punishment that is… and even then it kind of gained a sick sort of value, a feeling of something REAL, a feeling of physical contact that was solid and tangible and not scary, something I had control over.
pain was… pain was the replacement for never having safe affection
pain was "touch" that I desperately needed in an innocent child way and never got the way I needed
pain was
god now I'm just going to start describing laurie aren't I
pain was protective and predictable and reassuring and scary too, but damn it at least it stayed with me, at least it stuck under my skin like fire and made me feel like I EXISTED for a while.
and then of course.
pain does give you endorphins.
addictions have started from lesser things


so.
take one part pain addiction,
one part lack of/ desperate need of affection & closeness,
one part childhood naïveté and hope,
and then
add in the purity culture shit.
add in the fear and self-doubt and confusion that came with it.

then add in julie.

you see where this is going

I've talked about this before I'm sure, countless times, but maybe not to this extent, maybe not with this much willingness to be brutally honest about the AFTEREFFECTS of it and the horrible consequences that we are STILL struggling with.
like I said we're discussing this in therapy for the first time EVER, I have no idea who's going to end up out talking about it, we might have to just turn on the A.P. and feed it mad amounts of data

hatchet, cannon, and jay all talked on monday. we got a lot discussed.

geez I just keep… I just keep skipping this topic,
I really really don’t want to talk about it,


all right so the brutal horrible shameful confusing suicidal truth is,
we are still addicted to pain,
we still are bereft of affection and human closeness.
we are still convinced this body is inherently sexual,
we are still convinced we exist to be an object of entertainment for others,
we are still convinced that our worth is determined by our sexuality,
we are still convinced that to "be good" we HAVE to be sexual,
and we are in an environment/culture that tends to emphasize a lot of this.

there are alters,
t
in this system,
who keep pursuing sexual violence
and abuse
BECAUSE
not only are they convinced it is "required to be holy"
but
the programming says "you must like/want this"
and
the pain and fear tied to it is confusing everyone else.

there it is, there's the fcking awful truth that makes me want to kill ourself every day,
you ruin sometihng once that's not enough,
we're not just damaged goods we're fcking trash,
we are literal fcking garbage,
you won't stop abusing this body because you're convinced it's "HOLY" or it's "GOD'S WILL"
GOD DOESN'T WANT YOU SELLING YOURSELF BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE INSISTED ON A PRICE TAG DAMN IT. YOU'RE WORTH MORE THAN YOUR DAMN BIOLOGY.
except
except part of us learned the opposite and that part is the one screaming "I am the morally correct option"
why the hell
WHY

the blessed thing is that now that we're understanding what's going on,
where the time is going, who's doing what,
what triggers the bad people, etc.
headspace is getting REALLY PISSED OFF.

chaos and infinitii are not taking any shit from anyone with this
laurie is really freaked out because they keep targeting her so she's staying at a distance, (she doesn't understand this stuff anyway) BUT julie and lynne are helping her out,
hell ALL of headspace is together and helping out,
that's good at least, it's all color in here.
but outside
outside it's bleach and tar and it's killing us.

the bottom line is that one alter is convinced that sex=holiness and they are FORCING it no matter how traumatic it is,
and the other problem is,
they don't even realize what "sex" IS, and frankly neither do most of us
that's a really big fcking problem
because here's a fun fact for you,
the SLIGHTEST, SMALLEST trigger that could even be PERCIEVED as sexual, ESPECIALLY if it is direct (like within 2, 3 feet of us, or actual contact)… makes us INSTANTLY DISSOCIATE.
it's a recipe for disaster.
we said this before. "the ones who actually endured the abuse don't fight back." THAT IS WHY. because in order to fight back you need to be CONSCIOUS for the most part, and those situations are SO DAMN FRIGHTENING that NO ONE WANTS TO BE IN THEM.
no one but the killers at least, and "they aren't allowed out, they're mean, they're dangerous," no SHIT they're PROTECTORS,
but this one fcking alter, the WORST one, they are the worst because they are sugarcoated, this ONE alter decides to force trauma and DOESN’T CARE because,
they don't FEEL it,
they don't UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY'RE DOING,
they are CONVINCED IT'S THE "RIGHT THING" fck I am so tired of going in circles



god how do we get this programming out of our head
how do we convince ourselves that we are allowed to live without selling ourself
how do we stop reducing our spiritual worth to whether or not we can "have sex"
how do we stop this shit

and,
how the fck do we separate affection/ closeness/ intimacy/ etc. from sex and sensuality,
because dear god, it is HORRIBLE,
to STILL be a child who just wants to be loved,
who just wants human attention,
and who only ever got violated or abused.

it's fcking bullshit
it's still happening

god i just want to love people, i want to be able to love MYSELF/OURSELF without feeling like a fcking whore
or even worse, feeling damned to act like one because "that's the only fcking option i have"


we need a mother figure but we are so fcking terrified of women at this point, it's so sad, and this DAMN PROGRAMMING makes it so that the INSTANT someone touches us we go into PUPPET MODE and we freeze up and dissociate and put on a smile and start ACTING in a way that treats ourself like an OBJECT for the other person to fcking CONSUME.

DAMN IT OUR SELF-IMAGE LITERALLY SEES US AS AN OBJECT FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO USE AS THEY PLEASE AND IF WE GO AGAINST THAT WE ARE "A SINNER" OR SOME SHIT GOD DAMN IT

WE LITERALLY SEE OURSELF AS SOMETHING TO BE USED.

there I said it.
it's going to be really fcking hard to fight this alter until we fix that
it's power is coming from that exact mindset
"my worth is defined by my fckability"
in every goddamned context
I hate it
I hate it
god I hate it, we all do


I'm so tired.
I hope this makes some sort of sense, I can feel it got all jumbled at the end, I hope I closed up all the loose ends.

oh, forgot to mention.
16. we can't like/want/desire anything without it being both immoral and sexual
that was the big thing on friday.
we literally wouldn't even buy food for ourself because we "WANTED" it, and it wasn't absolute "basic food" (literally just raw vegetables) therefore it was a "luxury." so of COURSE we were UTTERLY FCKING ASHAMED for daring to WANT something, let alone something so SELFISH, a WASTE, etc.
we honestly screamed/sobbed for about an hour over what a "whore" we were for "being so selfish" etc.
it was terrible
but yeah that’s the eating disorder, tied into that yet again

the whole "can't want/desire" anything is largely spiritual. we get the gist of it mainly, but it's been badly twisted to the point of "if god doesn't give you food, you're not allowed to ask for any, because that's being demanding and egotistic." seriously. and it's always about food because let's face it, these damn bodies need food to run, and that belief goes down to the very basics.
but the "can't like anything" bit comes from the mother. again.
she is… she's an… I don't want to say this.
she exudes sexuality. too much. she reeks of it, to a bad extent. it's not her fault. but it makes us very uncomfortable around her. is it our fault? i don't know
but she's showy, too showy, we used to hate watching her eat, she makes such a noisy mess about it, she is literally addicted to food, she likes it TOO much, yes guess what… tied into sexuality again
she once said chocolate was "better than sex" and after that we could never watch her eat it because that's the vibe we'd get from it,
also probably why chocolate is strictly forbidden in this system
also sugar. also any sorts of sweet things. it's all fake sweetness. all stuff the mother would buy in lieu of actual affection. all stuff she'd eat with way too much obvious enjoyment for us to be comfortable.
I'm repeating myself, I've said all this before
but.
all that rooted in our head. and we have VERY BAD BOUNDARIES. you know that too.
that's a topic for tomorrow though, believe me, I've started a separate document so you WILL be hearing about it.
but the relevance here is, if SHE did something like that, we would feel OBLIGATED to do the same thing, because we could feel it. we are that "sensitive" to people. we feel everything they do, sometimes.
so we couldn't tell if we REALLY felt the way she did, or if we were feeling HER emotions/ actions/ etc., or if we were MIMICKING her out of a lack of self-identity and the obligation to "be what they want"….

it makes life difficult.
point 8. the programming goes against everything we are.

why do I keep talking about this

I don't want this happening again, do you hear me, PLEASE
THAT ISN'T WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR
THAT ISN'T WHAT WE NEED
YOU'RE HURTING US, YOU'RE MAKING US SICK
I'M NOT LYING
I'M NOT SAYING IT BECAUSE I'M BAD
I'M NOT TRYING TO SHAME OR MANIPULATE YOU
YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS BODY
YOU'RE NOT "DOING US A FAVOR" WITH WHAT YOU'RE DOING
YOU'RE NOT "MAKING US HOLY"
OKAY
STOP
PLEASE
WE'RE ALL REALLY SCARED AND WE DON'T LIKE THIS
WE HURT A LOT AND WE MOSTLY WANT TO DIE
IF YOU STOP WE WON'T HAVE TO
if you stop

if you stop doing this we can say alive and get better okay
please, please, stop,
if you think stopping is not good then talk to us PLEASE
write notes if you have to, take recordings,
just STOP PLEASE
stop
why are you doing it, why

fck off it's NOT A "CONNECTION TO GOD"
YOU KNOW WHAT IS??
YOU KNOW WHAT IS??????
THE SHIT YOU KEEP FORBIDDING US FROM DOING BECAUSE YOU KEEP JUMPING THE FCK IN AND CORRUPTING IT
STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT "LIVING UP TO" THE GODDAMNED PROGRAM DAMN YOU
WE'RE ALLOWED TO BE DIFFERENT
WE'RE ALLOWED TO HAVE THIS

I'm allowed to love people without having to have "sex" with them, okay?
Stop. You're regurgitating the most toxic phrase we've ever internalized and it is literally destroying us.



I don't want anyone writing anymorehere tonight its late and were feeling sick lets not think about this anymore tonight ok
therapy is tomorrow lets see what she says instead. good night everyone

 

 

 

I just realized that maybe calling ourself an "irredeemable slut" every time we screw up maybe isn't helping our mental state?

I know DNA can be reprogrammed and things all respond to vibrations and that's why words and music are important, so are intentions.
So, by that extension, feeling extreme loathing hatred and spitting the words like "harlot" "slut" "whore" etc. at our body while ripping it to shreds really isn't helping.

But it's hard. That's the ironic thing. You do one thing wrong, no matter how confused you were at the time, even if you didn't understand the situation, even if they lied to you… well, you screwed up, and you only got one chance. Now, you're ruined FOREVER, now you're branded as a slut by God himself, now that's all you'll ever be good for. You're impure for eternity now, you're a disgrace to God's creation, you're a filthy harlot and you deserve to die.
See what I mean?
This gets repeated, over and over, day after day, hour after hour, because part of us is CONVINCED IT'S TRUE and therefore we DON'T DESERVE ANY BETTER.
which is false
I hope.
but I cannot say that without cringing in total fear of damnation because, saying "I deserve better" is being proud and demanding and egotistical as the devil. "look at me! look at how great and holy and pure I am! I deserve SO much better!!" meanwhile I am covered in filth and my heart is black as pitch and I am a whore, a harlot, an irredeemable sinner
I don't deserve shit.
or do I
I don't know
maybe the "i" saying all this shit really is irredeemable but the rest of us aren't
that's the problem with d.i.d., the "main fronters" aren't always good, it all depends on the context of the environment. currently we are in a bad environment therefore the people who are out the most are not good people.
so yes. there are many, many other "I"s in the System who DO deserve better, who do NOT deserve any of this shit, who ARE pure and good and kind and wonderful people. none of them are whores. none of them are fornicators or adulterers or abusers or manipulators. BUT they are all inside which is "fake" according to the outside people, which also kind of quietly proves that those outside people are WRONG WRONG WRONG.
because if you say everything inside is "fake" and everything outside is not, then you are already completely wrong. then you are already saying that everything like thoughts and emotions and dreams and things aren't real. which these people believe. but they are wrong.
it makes us sick, that's what the job felt like, don't cry, it's okay, we're not there now



Meanwhile we're depressed as all hell and we aren't getting any work done.
We WANT to. We really do. But when you feel this filthy, you don't DARE touch anything pure or good, because you will corrupt it. Hence all the Leaguework being on temporary "hold" again. How did this happen?
We were working so hard on Parnassus the other week… I think I know now. Yes. DEFINITELY. Someone was "trying too hard" (which is STUPID) to make the story "acceptable by everyone else's standards" or whatever, which basically means "I can't use my imagination! I can't be creative and invent things! That's politically incorrect somehow! I MUST model EVERYTHING after OTHER people's things because THEY are right and I am not. Therefore I cannot be imaginative or creative anymore, I must just present their story again in different packaging or else I am WRONG."
THAT IS BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!!!S TOP!!!!

so someone was researching ancient greece and their religion and stuff and it got REALLY DEPRESSING because not only is our tumblr dashboard flooded with hellenistic polytheists somehow, as well as other pagans, and that makes us REALLY uncomfortable because that makes us think THAT is the "one true religion" or whatever the hell therefore we should really unfollow those blogs… no offense to them but it's why we had to unfollow all the hindu and buddhist and catholic and muslim and mormon and kemetic blogs… we were getting so paranoid over "which one is right" that we were getting ill. therefore right now we're swamped with pagan stuff which, although it is interesting, is making us feel forced to copy it. and it doesn't feel right for us. which we feel is blasphemous, or that our heart is flawed and "not ready yet" but one day it WILL be otherwise we are "going to hell" which isn't even part of that religion. but the sentiment is the same. and it was in all the other religions too. you get the picture.
so researching that same religion for greece and feeling like we HAD to be utterly 100% accurate with presenting it although we didn't subscribe to it AND it had NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STORY… that was making us sick sick sick. very sick. plus, stumbling across articles for that research made us think "this is a sign! I HAVE to become a hellenistic polytheist now, the gods/goddesses are trying to get my attention and if I disobey they will punish me!!"
old shit, old shit.
that's why, quite frankly, we are trying to stay FAR FAR FAR AWAY from any belief system that believes in "gods" or other supernatural imposing forces. because they are power-holders. they order you around, they tell you "do this," "do that," "don't do this or I'll kill you," etc. the floating voices basically. and we are already so sick of having to light candles and kneel in front of statues and chant fervently for hours while harming ourselves for punishment and IT ALL FELT SO WRONG FOR US did that mean we were a sinner? does that mean we were bad
then it loops again. more blood, more praying, more blind obedience, more bullshit
except if we say that are we going to hell
good lord how young are you people saying these things, how in the WORLD did we not start healing this topic sooner, where the hell was it buried???

but yeah. parnassus. SHOULD NOT BE "MIRRORING" ANY DAMN MYTHOLOGY AT ALL
just because delphi was named that, the only reason WHY was because the "know thyself" phrase tied to Genesis was tied to the Delphic Oracle and so he got that name, BUT then it ended up being frighteningly, extensively symbolically relevant AND SO we got paranoid and perfectionistic, and started looking for "ways the REST of Greece's entire history applied to the story" and now we're losing sight of what the actual story IS. it's sick and it's sad.
this is why SO many of the leagueworlds are on hold.
EVERY time we do "research," it CORRUPTS EVERYTHING.

and it's ironic, it's so damn ironic
"mage angels" was allegedly paralleling the book of revelation, in the bible, right? and why was that? because of the "four horsemen" thing. which only applied halfway, and only because it was an apocalyptic storyline. but GUESS WHAT? maybe on purpose, but after "finding that out" we NEVER REREAD THAT BOOK. which was GREAT, because guess what? THE STORY KEPT GROWING. and it is growing fantastically well. EXCEPT NOW, all those sjws on tumblr are saying "CULTURAL APPROPRIATION" and making us copy EVEN MORE THINGS that aren't even relevant to the freaking plot, spending HOURS of research until we're tired and frustrated and depressed trying to understand the WHOLE WORLD so we can regurgitate it as a book that THEY will be happy with.
well guess what. i've had it with this. i'm done. hit me if that's insolent, go ahead. bloody me up. I'm going to risk being disobedient because right now I'm miserable and I CAN'T SEE THE STORY ANYMORE. you're putting a big damn cloud in front of it with all your demands and our stories were BETTER when we were a child and DIDN'T CARE ABOUT APPEASING YOU.
this is why so many of us hate audiences


speaking of audiences and how horrible that is.
yesterday was VERY VERY ROUGH and scary too. moreso than any day in a VERY LONG TIME.
we were trying to explain the religious terror to the grandmother and we forget what was said except for one line that was suddenly shouted
"you're wasting your talents! so you're wasting your life! THAT is a sin towards god!"
we were crushed by paralyzing terror, was that true, were we really squandering everything, we asked her "what do we do"
"play more piano!"
and then the rage came up.
we used to play piano, yeah. we used to enjoy it. but THEN everyone made it about PERFORMANCE. then it was about "I'm being graded/ judged for this. I have to do it EXACTLY as they say." the SAME DAMN THING THEY TOLD US WITH ART.
and the terrible thing is, we still WANT to play. we still WANT to make our grandmother happy by playing the songs she likes. but. but. the problem is that once we start playing the piano, people start standing around and watching over our shoulders. and maybe they aren't judging us. but we go into performance mode anyway.
for us, art is intensely private, this creative thing. we play with art. ideally we sit at the piano and just… talk to it. wonder over the keys. try some sheet music. make something. it's private. and you cannot do that with a goddamned audience.
so we ended up crying. someone did. they sat down at the piano and just sobbed through bloody angry teeth, they WANTED to be good, they WANTED to obey and perform for her, to be a good kid, to make her happy… but it felt so fake now. they would have to put on the fake twisted smile just in order to perform now. and we USED to be able to do that. ALL the time. that's how we got through the job. we used to be able to annihilate all our feelings, and just let jennifer come out, with her stupid paper smile, and do everything just like a good happy puppet should. but it's been so difficult to kill our emotions lately and that's scary, why can't we shut it off anymore, why can't we shut it down,


we're finding loopholes for the Leagueworlds to keep them safe from outside demands and projections.
any series that was originally on "a parallel earth" is now on its OWN planet however similar, it is NOT a copy of this one we're in physically. ideally. that could make things tougher but we're going to try it. it's ALREADY canon in mage angels, but I don't know about the other ones? we'll see.

I don't know what I was talking about.


audiences. you know that's where HALF the hackers come from.
so many of them ONLY exist because we introjected those messages, that crushing terrifying pressure to "perform," to "be" a certain way or else.
it's the worst thing about hackers. they're alters too. which means at some point the brain decided their existence was necessary, for good or evil. that's the catch. you end up in a toxic environment that demands you become toxic to survive, well a desperate dissociative traumatized brain isn't going to judge. it just doesn't want to die. so it will break, into something toxic. it's utter horrible bullshit but it happened. it happened and I want to die

we can't seem to stop spitting that horrible language
well "we" is used loosely
we can't "forgive ourselves" for the things we allowed to happen to us, or the things that the hackers alters did to us, or the things that we did out of desperate confusion and fear, "I'm just trying to do the right thing," our path to hell is plated in 24-karat gold but it's still leading to hell you brainless idiot
you can pretty this shit up all you want it's STILL GOING TO KILL YOU

we need to get off the internet. we really do. it's too late now, the damage is largely done, but we can at least STOP it from getting worse if we go away.
problem is it's a coping mechanism sometimes. the online thing. we didn't realize until we started checking archives, the only reason we probably survived high school is becausue whoever was fronting spent most of their time online. they really did. so they did not HAVE to face ANYTHING going on inside, at least not until 2008 or so, when everything shattered and they could not be willfully ignorant anymore.
which is out problem now. we're running because we're scared. but running makes things worse. fight suffering, and the fighting just adds to the suffering.
problem is we're still stuck in that dumb dichotomistic mindset that says "either you reject it, or you embrace it!" meaning that you can either not face the trauma and pretend nothing ever happened and smile like a happy kid, OR you can be totally happy with the fact that it happened and even promote it happening again. IT'S BULLSHIT WHY DON'T WE HAVE ANOTHER OPTION WE DON'T WANT THIS

the option we want: have the luxury of BEING afraid and scared and hurt SO IT DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN, but then SOMEHOW STOP BEING SCARED and annihilate the past so we NEVER FEEL IT AGAIN but how do you do that
sorry this entry is a mess I'm just going to close it up I don't even know what I'm saying anymore