SO

[prismaticbleed]

 

SO
SENSUAL ATTRACTION
IS A THING
PRAISE THE LORD ITS LIKE A MILLION LIGHTBULBS JUST WENT ON

I keep thinking I'm some sort of hypersexual slut because I still like people; I still want to be close to people; I have been ashamed of wanting to just be near people and experience nonsexual physical contact for YEARS, I wasn't aware this was a THING THAT COULD HAPPEN, geez its like a huge weight has been lifted off my back.

It's hilarious in a way because it is SUCH a profound relief to have a word for this, I'm laughing and kind of crying at the same time, looking back I have been SO CONVINCED that I am a whore for feeling things that aren't even sexual.
god I am so sorry. I really am. this is so reassuring and yet its jarring for me to realize the loathsome scarlet-letter labels I've been stapling onto myself DON’T EVEN APPLY.

like I have been literally running in circles for years here. YEARS.
I've been calling EVERYTHING I do to be close to people "sex," even when it's not. I had no other freaking term for this, I didn't know there WAS a difference, I grew up in a society where people sexualize children for this same sort of innocent behavior.

The word "sensual" bothers me still for that same reason. I still subconsciously read it as "building up to sex." It's that goddamn sliding-scale shit this culture has falsely implemented. I forget where I first read that, but the gist of it is that, "once you show romantic/ sensual/ etc. attraction towards someone, you're unavoidably building up to having sex." It's bullshit. It's also basically why purity-culture diehards are terrified of even holding hands-- for fear that even THAT will inevitably result in sex-- and also why sexually abusive people will try to justify their behavior with the same action-- because "you were leading me on" or some bullshit.
It makes me utterly paranoid and that is heartbreaking because I STILL LOVE PEOPLE and I DON’T KNOW HOW TO SAFELY SHOW IT.
so much behavior has been toxified for me now, from unwisely and semi-unwillingly participating in it with people who liked such behavior. they didn’t realize what was happening on my end but it still makes me nauseous to look back on.

but yeah this is helping me at least breathe for the first time in years, now I'm not terrified of thinking someone is pretty, or wanting to make physical contact with someone, because NONE OF THAT "OBLIGATES" ME TO BE SEXUAL.


however there is still that deep, deep, horrible, gut-wrenching, soul-rending regret,
that I DID try "sexual behavior" in the past, due to profound confusion and coercion and forcing and outright abuse,
there's no solid data on it, memory cannot keep it, I'm scared to death of it, it hurts,
but it has happened. I cannot deny that. it has happened.
and then this bullshit rape culture nonsense has the NERVE to go and tell me that I HAVE TO KEEP DOING THAT because it’s the "ONLY OPTION YOU HAVE"
and then this damn confusing religious stuff tells me the SAME DAMN THING,

I don’t know, can we talk to the therapist about this?
that is literally the LAST roadblock I think,
the creeping paranoia that, from a spiritual standpoint, sexual behavior is MANDATORY.
and it cant be, not in that context at least, please, it cant be,
I know the whole male/female vibration thing is legit but that’s NOT INHERENTLY SEXUAL,
please tell these people to stop telling me I have no choice but to sell myself to be saved,
its bullshit.

I shouldn’t be swearing but I don’t know any other quick harsh terms that can express the sheer simple blunt frustration and desperation I am feeling over this.

recap. for my own sake really.
I do not experience sexual attraction, that I know, and now these articles are helping me back it up. I kept sticking that label onto everything out of fear that there "was no alternative."
I am utterly repulsed by sexual behavior actually, which is something I keep glossing over for god knows what reason, probably because my personal definition of "sex" has nothing to do with "sex" and it CERTAINLY has nothing to do with sexual biology.
so that makes this whole damn thing confusing to me too, still, after like 4 years of trying to "fix" it, I keep trying to force myself into this context that I don’t want or like or even understand, and god I just want it to STOP.