may 9 2015

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

 

I just realized that maybe calling ourself an "irredeemable slut" every time we screw up maybe isn't helping our mental state?

I know DNA can be reprogrammed and things all respond to vibrations and that's why words and music are important, so are intentions.
So, by that extension, feeling extreme loathing hatred and spitting the words like "harlot" "slut" "whore" etc. at our body while ripping it to shreds really isn't helping.

But it's hard. That's the ironic thing. You do one thing wrong, no matter how confused you were at the time, even if you didn't understand the situation, even if they lied to you… well, you screwed up, and you only got one chance. Now, you're ruined FOREVER, now you're branded as a slut by God himself, now that's all you'll ever be good for. You're impure for eternity now, you're a disgrace to God's creation, you're a filthy harlot and you deserve to die.
See what I mean?
This gets repeated, over and over, day after day, hour after hour, because part of us is CONVINCED IT'S TRUE and therefore we DON'T DESERVE ANY BETTER.
which is false
I hope.
but I cannot say that without cringing in total fear of damnation because, saying "I deserve better" is being proud and demanding and egotistical as the devil. "look at me! look at how great and holy and pure I am! I deserve SO much better!!" meanwhile I am covered in filth and my heart is black as pitch and I am a whore, a harlot, an irredeemable sinner
I don't deserve shit.
or do I
I don't know
maybe the "i" saying all this shit really is irredeemable but the rest of us aren't
that's the problem with d.i.d., the "main fronters" aren't always good, it all depends on the context of the environment. currently we are in a bad environment therefore the people who are out the most are not good people.
so yes. there are many, many other "I"s in the System who DO deserve better, who do NOT deserve any of this shit, who ARE pure and good and kind and wonderful people. none of them are whores. none of them are fornicators or adulterers or abusers or manipulators. BUT they are all inside which is "fake" according to the outside people, which also kind of quietly proves that those outside people are WRONG WRONG WRONG.
because if you say everything inside is "fake" and everything outside is not, then you are already completely wrong. then you are already saying that everything like thoughts and emotions and dreams and things aren't real. which these people believe. but they are wrong.
it makes us sick, that's what the job felt like, don't cry, it's okay, we're not there now



Meanwhile we're depressed as all hell and we aren't getting any work done.
We WANT to. We really do. But when you feel this filthy, you don't DARE touch anything pure or good, because you will corrupt it. Hence all the Leaguework being on temporary "hold" again. How did this happen?
We were working so hard on Parnassus the other week… I think I know now. Yes. DEFINITELY. Someone was "trying too hard" (which is STUPID) to make the story "acceptable by everyone else's standards" or whatever, which basically means "I can't use my imagination! I can't be creative and invent things! That's politically incorrect somehow! I MUST model EVERYTHING after OTHER people's things because THEY are right and I am not. Therefore I cannot be imaginative or creative anymore, I must just present their story again in different packaging or else I am WRONG."
THAT IS BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!!!S TOP!!!!

so someone was researching ancient greece and their religion and stuff and it got REALLY DEPRESSING because not only is our tumblr dashboard flooded with hellenistic polytheists somehow, as well as other pagans, and that makes us REALLY uncomfortable because that makes us think THAT is the "one true religion" or whatever the hell therefore we should really unfollow those blogs… no offense to them but it's why we had to unfollow all the hindu and buddhist and catholic and muslim and mormon and kemetic blogs… we were getting so paranoid over "which one is right" that we were getting ill. therefore right now we're swamped with pagan stuff which, although it is interesting, is making us feel forced to copy it. and it doesn't feel right for us. which we feel is blasphemous, or that our heart is flawed and "not ready yet" but one day it WILL be otherwise we are "going to hell" which isn't even part of that religion. but the sentiment is the same. and it was in all the other religions too. you get the picture.
so researching that same religion for greece and feeling like we HAD to be utterly 100% accurate with presenting it although we didn't subscribe to it AND it had NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STORY… that was making us sick sick sick. very sick. plus, stumbling across articles for that research made us think "this is a sign! I HAVE to become a hellenistic polytheist now, the gods/goddesses are trying to get my attention and if I disobey they will punish me!!"
old shit, old shit.
that's why, quite frankly, we are trying to stay FAR FAR FAR AWAY from any belief system that believes in "gods" or other supernatural imposing forces. because they are power-holders. they order you around, they tell you "do this," "do that," "don't do this or I'll kill you," etc. the floating voices basically. and we are already so sick of having to light candles and kneel in front of statues and chant fervently for hours while harming ourselves for punishment and IT ALL FELT SO WRONG FOR US did that mean we were a sinner? does that mean we were bad
then it loops again. more blood, more praying, more blind obedience, more bullshit
except if we say that are we going to hell
good lord how young are you people saying these things, how in the WORLD did we not start healing this topic sooner, where the hell was it buried???

but yeah. parnassus. SHOULD NOT BE "MIRRORING" ANY DAMN MYTHOLOGY AT ALL
just because delphi was named that, the only reason WHY was because the "know thyself" phrase tied to Genesis was tied to the Delphic Oracle and so he got that name, BUT then it ended up being frighteningly, extensively symbolically relevant AND SO we got paranoid and perfectionistic, and started looking for "ways the REST of Greece's entire history applied to the story" and now we're losing sight of what the actual story IS. it's sick and it's sad.
this is why SO many of the leagueworlds are on hold.
EVERY time we do "research," it CORRUPTS EVERYTHING.

and it's ironic, it's so damn ironic
"mage angels" was allegedly paralleling the book of revelation, in the bible, right? and why was that? because of the "four horsemen" thing. which only applied halfway, and only because it was an apocalyptic storyline. but GUESS WHAT? maybe on purpose, but after "finding that out" we NEVER REREAD THAT BOOK. which was GREAT, because guess what? THE STORY KEPT GROWING. and it is growing fantastically well. EXCEPT NOW, all those sjws on tumblr are saying "CULTURAL APPROPRIATION" and making us copy EVEN MORE THINGS that aren't even relevant to the freaking plot, spending HOURS of research until we're tired and frustrated and depressed trying to understand the WHOLE WORLD so we can regurgitate it as a book that THEY will be happy with.
well guess what. i've had it with this. i'm done. hit me if that's insolent, go ahead. bloody me up. I'm going to risk being disobedient because right now I'm miserable and I CAN'T SEE THE STORY ANYMORE. you're putting a big damn cloud in front of it with all your demands and our stories were BETTER when we were a child and DIDN'T CARE ABOUT APPEASING YOU.
this is why so many of us hate audiences


speaking of audiences and how horrible that is.
yesterday was VERY VERY ROUGH and scary too. moreso than any day in a VERY LONG TIME.
we were trying to explain the religious terror to the grandmother and we forget what was said except for one line that was suddenly shouted
"you're wasting your talents! so you're wasting your life! THAT is a sin towards god!"
we were crushed by paralyzing terror, was that true, were we really squandering everything, we asked her "what do we do"
"play more piano!"
and then the rage came up.
we used to play piano, yeah. we used to enjoy it. but THEN everyone made it about PERFORMANCE. then it was about "I'm being graded/ judged for this. I have to do it EXACTLY as they say." the SAME DAMN THING THEY TOLD US WITH ART.
and the terrible thing is, we still WANT to play. we still WANT to make our grandmother happy by playing the songs she likes. but. but. the problem is that once we start playing the piano, people start standing around and watching over our shoulders. and maybe they aren't judging us. but we go into performance mode anyway.
for us, art is intensely private, this creative thing. we play with art. ideally we sit at the piano and just… talk to it. wonder over the keys. try some sheet music. make something. it's private. and you cannot do that with a goddamned audience.
so we ended up crying. someone did. they sat down at the piano and just sobbed through bloody angry teeth, they WANTED to be good, they WANTED to obey and perform for her, to be a good kid, to make her happy… but it felt so fake now. they would have to put on the fake twisted smile just in order to perform now. and we USED to be able to do that. ALL the time. that's how we got through the job. we used to be able to annihilate all our feelings, and just let jennifer come out, with her stupid paper smile, and do everything just like a good happy puppet should. but it's been so difficult to kill our emotions lately and that's scary, why can't we shut it off anymore, why can't we shut it down,


we're finding loopholes for the Leagueworlds to keep them safe from outside demands and projections.
any series that was originally on "a parallel earth" is now on its OWN planet however similar, it is NOT a copy of this one we're in physically. ideally. that could make things tougher but we're going to try it. it's ALREADY canon in mage angels, but I don't know about the other ones? we'll see.

I don't know what I was talking about.


audiences. you know that's where HALF the hackers come from.
so many of them ONLY exist because we introjected those messages, that crushing terrifying pressure to "perform," to "be" a certain way or else.
it's the worst thing about hackers. they're alters too. which means at some point the brain decided their existence was necessary, for good or evil. that's the catch. you end up in a toxic environment that demands you become toxic to survive, well a desperate dissociative traumatized brain isn't going to judge. it just doesn't want to die. so it will break, into something toxic. it's utter horrible bullshit but it happened. it happened and I want to die

we can't seem to stop spitting that horrible language
well "we" is used loosely
we can't "forgive ourselves" for the things we allowed to happen to us, or the things that the hackers alters did to us, or the things that we did out of desperate confusion and fear, "I'm just trying to do the right thing," our path to hell is plated in 24-karat gold but it's still leading to hell you brainless idiot
you can pretty this shit up all you want it's STILL GOING TO KILL YOU

we need to get off the internet. we really do. it's too late now, the damage is largely done, but we can at least STOP it from getting worse if we go away.
problem is it's a coping mechanism sometimes. the online thing. we didn't realize until we started checking archives, the only reason we probably survived high school is becausue whoever was fronting spent most of their time online. they really did. so they did not HAVE to face ANYTHING going on inside, at least not until 2008 or so, when everything shattered and they could not be willfully ignorant anymore.
which is out problem now. we're running because we're scared. but running makes things worse. fight suffering, and the fighting just adds to the suffering.
problem is we're still stuck in that dumb dichotomistic mindset that says "either you reject it, or you embrace it!" meaning that you can either not face the trauma and pretend nothing ever happened and smile like a happy kid, OR you can be totally happy with the fact that it happened and even promote it happening again. IT'S BULLSHIT WHY DON'T WE HAVE ANOTHER OPTION WE DON'T WANT THIS

the option we want: have the luxury of BEING afraid and scared and hurt SO IT DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN, but then SOMEHOW STOP BEING SCARED and annihilate the past so we NEVER FEEL IT AGAIN but how do you do that
sorry this entry is a mess I'm just going to close it up I don't even know what I'm saying anymore