the spectrum heart cathedral system

 
Some benevolent, "big" voice spoke to Laurie and I last night, explaining to us the roots of a lot of the problems we are having.
It was surprisingly revelatory, more than a little shocking, and it made a disturbing about of sense. I wasn't aware of a lot of the connections it presented, and neither was Laurie-- which is a first!
I don't know if it was Infinitii. It presented its message in huge glowing letters and images, but it had no face, and its voice wasn't exactly "audible." However it was friendly and definitely rooted in headspace, which was a relief (outside voices aren't very nice). Also notable was that it didn't mention Infinitii, which was a tipoff for me concerning the topic-- Infi doesn't like talking about himself in that context, as it's emotionally difficult for him. But I don't know. Whoever it was, though, they had access to info that EVERYONE ELSE had forgotten about, buried, or overlooked.

That's enough of an intro, though; let's get to the business.
I don't know exactly how it started. I remember walking out of the kitchen at like 2AM, and Laurie was trying to talk to me. I wish I could paraphrase our conversation, but my memory doesn't work well chronologically, and I can only tell you bits and pieces. So let's try.
You'll notice the post immediately before this, talking about how so many spiritual people nowadays say reality is a "cosmic dream" and so taking it too seriously means that we're just "lost in the game." I've been trying to see life this way, but the problem is that I tend to twist this comprehension in my mind. If it's just a game, why is there still such a huge emphasis on "karma," and past lives, and all that? Why is the game so complicated and trapping, if it's fake? So I tend to get obsessive, freaking out over every tiny action being "wrong" or "right," because I don't want to play the game anymore and yet the rules say that if I mess up this round, I HAVE to do it over. So that makes it very difficult, some days, for me to see it all as a dream... and that's simply because I'm still looking at it wrong.
Laurie reminded me of that. My mind likes to think that, once you realize it's a dream-- poof, it's gone. You wake up. No more illusion. But that's not literally true. You don't die the instant you realize that this life is more than it appears on the surface. Instead you keep living it, KNOWING that the trials and pains of this world are temporary, and that there's something better after all this that we need to live for instead. On the contrary, I keep invalidating the entire experience, believing that "if it's just a dream, why should I pretend any of it is real?" means "ignore everything because it's fake." Laurie said that wasn't the smartest option. Why the heck would we even be born here if there wasn't a "reason for the game", she asked? The point is that, in this life, we experience things that we can't experience out of it, in order to learn lessons and grow. There are struggles and sufferings here that cannot exist in eternity, but going through them NOW is vital to how we experience the afterlife? Part of me is baffled by that-- if these shadows aren't truly "real" then why do they even matter now? if we're meant to be light then why this "becoming" what we already allegedly are?-- but I guess that's the point of a "game." I won't try to understand it with my brain, that never works. It's all so confusing.

Anyway she said that's the only thing I really had to remember right now... that, underneath it all, and despite it all, I was untouched by the "game", by the bad dream. No matter what happened to us here, it wasn't forever. When this life ends, one day, we won't be inherently tainted by what we experienced here. I hope.

And that is the one thing I'm having a VERY hard time accepting.
I was raised as a strict Roman Catholic, something I'm still struggling with, because they taught me that "you get ONE life, and if you mess up, then you get to suffer eternal hellfire after you die." In that mindset, your soul IS forever tainted by the "bad things" you do here... and that is made even more terrifying by the fact that everyone has a different opinion of what is "good" or "bad." How do I know what actions of mine are damning me to hell? That's what's haunted me since my childhood, turning me into a paranoid wreck.
Laurie says that's flat-out nonsense. She doesn't believe in that sort of moral relativism, or paranoid religiosity. In her mindset, no one "accidentally" burns forever. Still, there are so many spiritual teachings I still struggle with. A lot of headsvoices have no problem adopting clearer and less brutal mindsets, which is a huge relief when I can't think straight thanks to my old programming, which Christina seems hellbent (ironically?) on perpetuating "lest I suffer the righteous wrath of God." We'll get to that later.
Point is, this life isn't the final reality. There's something beyond this, something so much more real and true and beautiful that it makes this life seem like a "game" in comparison. Still... I have to acknowledge that, even being seen as a "game," it's no plaything. There are stakes, there are sides, and there's a set of rules we have to follow. It's just like any game. But we forget that it ends one day. And when it's over, or when we look away from the screen for just a moment, suddenly we realize that there is more to EVERYTHING than this. Yes, we learned from the game, and maybe we had a lot of fun playing it, or maybe it was excruciatingly painful to endure... but at the end of the day it's just a game. It's not forever. Outside of the game, there is only Light and Love... or the lack thereof. Everything here that we see as bad, or evil, or lacking, or cruel... it's the result of an ignorance or rejection of that Light and Love, in one way or another. And yet, that Love-Light itself (or Himself, if you're Catholic too) allowed such "shadows" in order for us to learn and grow and BRING that Light & Love TO those places, to "win the game" in amazing ways. But outside of this game, in the true reality, there's only Light. Choose the dark, the absences, the anger and pride and apathy and blind entertainment, and you will become that very thing. You'll be cut off from Love forever, by your own denial. THAT'S hell.
And that's what I always have to remember when hearing people say it's "all just a dream." Some things are inherently evil. All the hacks are proof. You can't call THAT a "game" and say "in the end it won't matter!!" without sounding like a heartless airheaded sadist. But... part of me wishes it was "just a game," that in the end it will all turn out to have been just some illusion and I'm untouched, I'm okay, I'm not damned forever by what I've been through. There needs to be middle ground somewhere, somehow. It needs to be recognized as horrific, and yet, still recognized as ultimately doomed to oblivion. Light still wins. God I don't understand, but now's not the time to debate or discuss. That's a journey I'm still taking, probably until the day I die.

Anyway. There was one other thing Laurie said about that topic that stood out... the Undergrounders are entrenched in this "game," this good-and-evil battleground. Knife is this weird mix of religious moral rules and psychological manipulation, Mulberry is all about status and power and appearances, Sugar is seething with anger and rage and the need to get revenge, and Razor is little more than a living amalgamation of frenzy and pain. ALL of them are rooted to fear and anger in some way, ALL of them tied to pain and suffering and retribution. But... the world outside keeps telling us that none of that is "real." So, do we agree? Or do we stand against the popular opinion for the sake of our own heart, however scarred it may be?
I actually got kind of scared when Laurie said that. If those things are all just a dream, does that mean the Undergrounders all have to die? Or can they change, like Julie?
Laurie said that change was their choice, and theirs alone. We all could change. But she said, grimly, that right now... some of them would rather die than change.

I remember wondering about the illusion thing again, there.
We've been talking about how some religions say that bad things are illusions, sure... but on the other side of the coin, they claim that so are good things. And THAT is terrifying. None of this is "real," in that sense, in their opinion. Everything we experience here is just an illusion, they say, no exceptions. It's a terrifyingly nihilistic mindset, but it's everywhere out there, and honestly I bought right into it in 2012, God knows why. But it got some very ugly roots in very deep, and I realized that even now it was feeding into my "don't care" feelings about relationships, ironically perhaps. I no longer saw any point in pursuing them, if they were false.
Laurie was asking me about that. I can't remember what I said. But I do remember what she said.
The first thing she did was sarcastically apologize, if what she was about to say was "selfish" or otherwise incomprehensible to me. Then she said that yes, she cared a heck of a lot about me, that she'd die for me if she had to, without hesitation. But then she added that she did want me to care about her in return, if only a little.
I asked why. The thought of her feeling that was bizarre. She knew this, laughed once, and explained that it really wasn't all that baffling. When you care that much about someone, she said, it's nice to have that reciprocated. When you love someone that much, in ANY respect, knowing that they're able and willing to reflect even a tiny glimmer of that back to you means the world.
Then she said I was her best friend.
I was completely stunned for a second. She-- really?? I stopped her mid-sentence to make sure I had just heard that. She said yeah, why was that such a surprise?
I said it was because she's been around for almost 6 solid years and she has NEVER said that, not ONCE.
And it broke my heart, really.
For ages, I've always wanted to be someone's best friend, without knowing why. I considered it my most selfish, hedonistic, deplorable want. Why the heck would I want someone to consider me that? I didn't like relationships that close, I couldn't stand the attention. And yet part of me did want that same complete care and attention and love I was theoretically willing to give to be reciprocated, for my tendency for total devotion to actually be mirrored back for once.
Laurie didn't even ask for that much. She'd give her life for me and all she wanted was for me to think "hey, she's not that bad of a person after all." But she considered me her best friend even if I was the one being an absolute bastard towards her.
And yet I was the one who expected complete dedication if a relationship was unavoidable, and was too spineless to admit both that horrible hidden desire, and my baffling need to give it.
But she gave it anyway, without a word. And I never even considered that she might consider me a friend.
What does that say about how I view relationships, huh?
I was in tears. I remember not being able to form a sentence for a few minutes because if I opened my mouth I'd have started sobbing. Laurie asked if it made more sense for her to be a "foil" than a friend, because the former was a more tumultuous relationship, and I was used to that. I had to admit it probably was. Friendship was too close, too personal, too... safe. It didn't hurt. It didn't feel genuine, using the word "friendship," it felt fake and shallow... but a "best friend?" Now that was significant. I could hardly believe she viewed me in that category. But the truth was out, and my heart was in pieces.

I don't remember much between then, and the voice from wherever talking to us.
I was trying to talk to Laurie a little more before falling asleep (day 2 of the migraine), except this time I think we were tackling the tough subjects again. See, yesterday was a bit of a mess; I wasn't "fronting," but I don't know if anyone else was, at least not consciously. All I know is that "I" ended up with an internet history of some old-school Christian articles on sexuality, all dealing with what Christina has been telling me, and... it was terrifying.
It was exactly what I had been force-fed as a child, over and over and over, but... I had been so naive and ignorant that I didn't realize what they were actually asking of me. Now, with what I've learned and experienced, looking back on those same teachings was deeply disturbing.
Part of me still subscribed to them 100%, don't get me wrong, even with the moral questionability of those ultimatums and the utter clashing with the beliefs I am now being bombarded with. And that part was louder than the parts that said it wasn't right. I was too used to growing up under a black-and-white moral code to segue easily into a deadly gray one, one that claimed that this life is an illusion, that good and bad are just our judgments of neutral things, that hell doesn't exist except in our minds... no, the childhood part of me insisted that we got one chance, and we had to live it according to strict rules, else we'd burn for our sins.
No middle ground. No safety on either end.
And the things it was justifying through that mindset were the reason why my life is a mess right now in the first place.
I told Laurie this. I told her that what I knew was being muffled and drowned underneath the clarion scream of those old fire-and-brimstone teachings. She gave me a stern look and told me to ignore them, and speak from my heart, what I knew was true outside of hollow logic and social programming and frightened reasoning. What did I feel was right, solidly so, when it really got down to it? "Tell me," she demanded, not letting me run or hide from it. So I closed my eyes, and listened.
That's when the voice showed up.
It was shocking at first. "Whoa, dude, something is TALKING to me?" I told her and asked if I could either dictate it, or channel it out into visuals. Knowing the problems I had with speech, especially in that format, Laurie told me to visualize it if at all possible. So I focused for another moment, and instead of speaking, began forming huge glowing letters in the air as it spoke, transcribing everything it told me in real-time.
Laurie and I then sat back and watched as it explained everything we had asked about, in words and pictures, now a life of its own.

...I might not be able to write this in a structured format. It would be too draining.
I'm just going to go all stream-of-consciousness on you again, so please forgive the disjointedness; it makes more sense to me that way.
Trigger warning, by the way. You know the drill.

-started with childhood abuse. since the only sharp, scarring, bruising pain I ever experienced was CORRECTIVE, my brain quickly linked the two together. whenever I was beaten, it wasn't to harm me, it was to HELP me. "you've been a bad boy, this is your punishment for it." I would be beaten, and then the sin would be forgiven. easy as that! so to me, pain was benevolent. it was loving. when someone hurt me, it was because they cared about my spiritual well-being. when I grew older and the beatings stopped I got scared, why was no one punishing me anymore? was I so bad that they wouldn’t heal me anymore, that I was beyond being saved? so the self-abuse started full swing.
-this equivalency of pain and love was what Laurie was REALLY born from. when she heard this she was in shock, but her eyes were full of tears. she had this heartbreaking look and then it hit me, that was why I felt a relationship would ruin her. I knew she had realized that too. but that's next.
-btw knife was born from the SAME ABUSE. it's a very fine line, that's why they're so similar. both are tied to the morally retributive part but they have completely different motivations:
laurie = I'm hurting you because I love you and the pain will get rid of your sins
knife = I'm hurting you because you are evil and the pain will get rid of your sins
but for both of them the pain is benevolent although it is expressed differently.
-a key point that we'd been ignorant of before yesterday was the fact that, as a catholic, I was raised to believe a very strange dichotomy about sexuality. on one hand, anything even vaguely sexual outside of marriage was considered the ultimate sin-- a crime against god, an awful devilish act. however, being born female, my entire childhood was swamped by people trying to raise me to "get married and have kids." my very existence was sexualized from childhood, and that was somehow okay in comparison??? marriage was seen as this ultra-holy act, this reflection of christ's union with his church, and having sex when you were married was mandatory. as a woman you were obligated to marry a man, have kids, and raise a good christian family, to fulfill "god's plan for you." the problem? I was TERRIFIED OF THAT.
-first, I knew I was asexual (or at least very different from other kids in that respect) from a very young age. I felt no attraction towards anyone, had no interest in relationships, and found both concepts to be "disgusting." so when people suddenly started trying to groom me into this sexual object, this "bride" meant to have sex as GOD'S WILL one day, I freaked out. I didn't want to marry a man, and I didn't want kids, heck I didn't even like being called a girl, but then I hit a big problem in my eyes. I didn't want to have sex… because not only did I think it was utterly repulsive, I was taught-- and firmly believed-- that it was the ultimate sin. god forbid you even show your stomach in public or you're corrupting people. now of course this was easy for me, being asexual, but no one knew that but me. NOW I was suddenly supposed to believe that upon "getting married," I would be SUPPOSED to have sex, because THEN it would be a good thing? what the heck! I couldn’t comprehend it… and that scared me more than anything.
-if god said I had to be a "good christian spouse" and not doing that was a sin, then… my not wanting to have sex was a sin, because it would make me a bad married partner, and I HAD to get married even if I DIDN'T WANT TO. that was exactly what I thought. but I didn't like the fact that suddenly, now that i was no longer a "child," everyone was treating sex as something totally different than they did when I was a kid. suddenly I was even more of a freak than I was before, when I thought my classmates were stupid for having crushes. now I was a sinful freak because I didn't want to have kids with a god-fearing man and therefore imitate the union of christ and the church, because that was "natural."
-that's when julie showed up. and things got even more twisted. I remember the very first time she pushed me to try something sexual. after two seconds I stopped, hyperventilating, and ran-- trying to escape her, trying to find a safe place. it wasn't just because she was trying to touch me, it was because the sensation of it was AWFUL. suddenly my fears were lethal. THAT was what sex was like?? that horrible, horrible sensation? why the hell would anyone WANT that?? and now people are telling me that I HAVE to have that one day, or else I'll be going against god's will??? I was terrified.
- I ignored the fact that I didn't identify as female, and that I was definitely not straight as far as "romantic" leanings went. neither of these things even crossed my mind as "problematic" until later, because I didn't associate them with sexuality.
- by the way when my innocence was shattered in 7th grade biology, and i got "the talk" which left me shaking and horrified, wanting to tear the words out of my brain, JULIE HAD ALREADY STARTED. i just refused to give it any recognition, as i was ashamed that i had been tainted.
-anyway. with julie, it got worse. when I tried to express that i wasn't interested in marriage, relationships, sex, OR having a family, I was told that I was a freak, LITERALLY a "sin against god." after having feared that for years, hearing it flat-out was the final nail in the coffin. I was broken and wrong, a devil. I had to fix myself, somehow, even if the thought made me sick and scared, because the alternative was damnation. and as soon as that mental white flag was raised… hell started.
-I don't remember 99% of the times I was sexually assaulted by julie. I don't even have the heart to call them rape anymore, because I feel I asked for it, and that I deserved it: the first because I never fought back in anything other than screams and desperate prayers to god to "make it stop," and the second because I felt that if I DIDN'T like what she was doing, I DESERVED to suffer for being a sexual deviant against my god-given biology.
-that brings us back to the pain point. sexual abuse was the single most traumatic thing I have ever experienced because I COULD NOT COMPREHEND WHAT WAS HAPPENING. I had no capacity to. I went into that with the mindset that "I was flawed, I needed to be fixed," and prior to that, EVERY act of correction had been physically violent. it had been sharp pain, the kind that leaves bruises and cuts and scabs. THAT was what I would have been comfortable with. that would have meant I was being fixed. but sex wasn't like that. the human body is BUILT to accommodate sex. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. so when I was being assaulted, not only was there awful pain, but there was the horrible sexual feeling of physical contact that I didn't want… and THEN there was the biological hell. the body not being able to differentiate between consent and rape. I had no freaking clue what was happening and it scared the life out of me because julie would ALWAYS tell me to hold still, "be good," don't fight, you know you want it. that was the worst one. "you KNOW you want it." my asexuality was invalidated by everyone. julie only reminded me that I was either a transboy, or a lesbian-- both also "sins against god." either way, she said, you're not allowed to be asexual either, so you'd better learn to like f*cking girls!! and when I insisted I had changed my mind, I didn't want to be fixed, hell had to be better than enduring this, she'd giggle and say that she didn't care. that I deserved to suffer, then. that SHE was enjoying this and she didn't care at all what I thought. after all, liking sex is natural. if you don't like it, you're unnatural, and that means you're bad… my greatest fear. so I let her do it. over and over. and it broke me.
-TW: graphic sexual abuse notes here. I should write this down for future therapy reasons. there are only two moments of the entire decade of abuse that I remember. one, is the first time I "woke up" and found myself bleeding on the bathroom floor (the only room in the house that locked on the inside). I was scared out of my entire mind. what had she done to me??? I remember sobbing hysterically, trying to keep quiet, knowing that she had ruined me forever, I just didn't know how. the second thing I remember is her on top of me on the bathroom floor (AGAIN, I hate that room), one hand pinning my arms down, the other clamped over my mouth so I wouldn't scream. and I remember having this horrible feeling that there were other people there, standing around her, watching me and grinning evilly because she was doing the right thing in forcing a stupid little sinner like me to have sex, because I was wrong, and if I was suffering then good, let that be my punishment. and I remember screaming in my head for god to save me somehow, but he never did. she would have her way with me and then leave, and I would sit in the bathroom alone, either sobbing and shaking, or numb and empty. and that's all I remember.
- as the years went on it worked, as sick as it was. by 2007 I was so brainwashed that I leapt into a fake relationship with an imaginary internet boy-- and looking back I realize that I don't remember ANY of that, so god knows who was driving. but the point is, there was at least one part of me that fully believed julie. it believed that I wanted sex, and that I should have it, and that I should be this perfect bride-girl with no faults. except that didn't work. the scars were too deep. and as soon as they were triggered-- the first time I had EVER been forced to face them-- those darker parts got really loud, and you all know what happened when 2008 hit.
- I was this horrible sexually-paranoid mess from then on. college was an utter nightmare, and I've written about that before, far more eloquently than I can here. the bottom line was that when I hit that point in life, I had a dilemma. I was in so much pain from my past that I felt I had no right to feel-- after all, it was unnatural not to like sex, and other people have really suffered so stop bitching-- but all around me, the shouts to ignore that pain kept getting louder. and I supposed it was tempting, to give up, to stop the pain by not caring anymore. and somewhere along the line… I did. I gave up. and to me, 2011 was rock bottom in that respect.
- see, THIS was the problem: to me, pain was good, as long as it was JUST pain. sharp pain, to me, was compassionate, comforting, understandable. it meant I had done something bad, and was now being corrected. but sexuality, the ultimate sin, DIDN'T GO AWAY because it was painful, because along with it was that horrendous bodily reaction of "am I REALLY supposed to like this??" the terror of being in conflict with what my own body was doing when abused was too much… so my brain landed at the only conclusion it could. to me, pain was good, and the opposite of pain was evil.
- I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore
- if people tried to show they cared through sex, because "it's a good thing," immediately my brain translated that as "they HATE you, they are trying to RUIN you, that is EVIL and they KNOW IT." but if someone wanted to hurt me in a violent fashion, my brain immediately said, "I know you're scared but they are doing that for a reason; you did something bad, they are correcting you so you won't be bad anymore."
- also, post-abuse, I was unable to understand relationships of ANY SORT outside of a sexual context. I could not have family ties, friendships, admirations, or traditional relationships without immediately assuming that I was sexually obligated to that person. I couldn't even look at a stupid billboard picture of a woman without automatically thinking "oh god help me, she's looking at me, she wants me to have sex with her, I can't say no." and my life was full of fear. my brain STILL does this with EVERYTHING btw. it's hell.
- somewhere around 2010 I gave up trying to protect myself, in order to numb the terror and pain that I could no longer avoid. after all, if I just gave up and just did what they wanted, it wouldn't be traumatic anymore, right? (wrong as hell, but I ignored that too.) so not only did I spend far too many hours trying to desensitize myself, watching and reading things that were TRAUMATIC for me, things that my brain would scream at and leave me shaking and dissociated afterwards, simply because "you've gotta look at naked women in college anyway, you whore! learn to like it!" but I couldn't. so I burned myself numb.
- 2011 was when I REALLY gave in and started trying to have sex. all of my attempts were purged from my memory, I do not remember a single one. all I know is that immediately after attempt one, I attempted suicide and Laurie had to spend FIFTEEN HOURS talking me out of it. it worked… temporarily. I don't know what else I did that year. but that one morning in june was it, I was lost. nothing made sense anymore, now that I had stopped trying to be good in exchange for simply trying not to hurt anymore.
- by 2012 I was a slut. all of my relationships were now obscenely sexual and I hated myself for it. I thought I hated THEM for it because they didn't even understand, they didn't have the capacity to, they didn't know what sexual abuse was like and god willing they never would. but i didn't actually hate them. i hated myself for not being able to like it for them. it destroyed my moral compass for good, because a few of THEM actually liked it, and didn't see it as bad at all, while I was just playing along and wanting to die and wanting THEM to die for doing that to me again, projecting my hate outwards, wanting the threat gone. but I never spoke up. I was supposed to like it, ESPECIALLY now that it was with them. but I didn't. I dissociated so freaking often that I have trouble remembering that 2012 happened at all.
- so that's my problem. tl;dr, relationships are only benevolent to me if they have a violent side. that, to me, solidifies the knowledge that they care. if there is NO direct pain, then I automatically assume the opposite: that they do not care about me, and are using me for their own ends.
- any relationship is like this. it is why I seek pain and abuse. if people NEVER tie pain to compassion, I feel scared. JUST yelling will scare me. JUST hurting me because you're mad scares me. my brain can't comprehend it. but justifying that by saying you're doing it for my benefit, that I can understand. what I can't understand is having sex with someone because "you care about them." my brain has no capacity to understand that

I have no idea what that voice said to me anymore I'm really sorry my brain hurts.

it was telling me that this b/w thinking of mine was not good, it didn’t define them, they werent trying to hurt me they were just confused because jeepers cats they don’t even have the same biology, most of them CAN'T understand sex the way humans do, but my body and mind were translating it that way and it was unbearably traumatic and I hated myself so much that i began to hate them and that breaks my heart because how in the world do I heal from this.
laurie was sobbing, said she was sorry, she didn't know that I saw things that starkly, she apologized for ever giving in to my empty-minded persuasions because she didn't know what the heck I was asking. I said she was fine, the ONLY one who was fine because she never DID anything, yeah I've kissed her but that's IT really. she never did anything that my old catholic upbringing would have labeled a one-way ticket to hell. but I did. and they did, and I don't remember why or when or how, and I'm glad that I don't, but I can't be around them anymore. I can't.

but you know whats funny?? I don't even hate julie. yes i say her name when i talk about the past but its just a name.
i look at her and i dont even associate her with the abuse isnt that weird? like i don't even remember her being responsible although i know she was
but she hasn't touched me since 2011, not that i remember at least and she says she was sorry and im not bothered by it at all
but other people who care about me and who have touched me since i cant stand and i almost hate, but they never abused me like she did, i dont understand
maybe it's because they don't think they did anything "wrong" so they're not "sorry"
and i can't understand why i keep forcing them into these situations

sugar wants eros to die, isn't that hilariously ironic, she picked that name because all my life "sugar" has been synonymous with sex, gluttony has been synonymous with lust, they both involve consuming and destroying something. and everything sweet would always be followed by rape. you enjoy something, you eat something that's supposed to be good, what happens? a girl in pigtails f*cks you up. enjoyment is tied to sex and sex is abuse. that is why chocolate was lethal. it was the worst. so this new alter, she chose the name sugar, and made herself pink, specifically to get down there and attack these sexual predators. she hates them. so now "sugar" means whoever tries to hack us will get a boot to the broken face, courtesy of the thistle-haired fury over here. sugar is bitter now you devils
and eros scares me, he's the opposite of me, he's incapable of seeing sex as BAD. he lives in this weird place that doesn't make sense, it's all white furniture and red lights and everything is red red red. and he lounges around and he's this ridiculously sensual thing, everything turns him on, it's ridiculous. but he's NEVER abusive??? which makes no sense??? how can you be that sexual but NOT use it to hurt people?? half the time he says he doesn’t even care whether or not he has sex with anyone, that's not the point. THEN WHY DO YOU DO IT why do you do it

I don't hate him but sugar does and she wants him dead because she hates all sexual things.
but I can tell that he's not evil even if that makes no sense, he's a good guy, he's really interesting but that's SCARY because all the things he likes and does AREN'T SEXUAL?? but then HE IS??????? why doesn’t that make sense????
I don’t know if confuses me even more then EVERYTHING is sexual everything is a threat why did he have to do that
and sugar is mad mad mad that's why she wants him to die, she says he makes everything dangerous for us. and he does. but he's not evil why in the world is he doing this

I have to go

can't do this anymore sorry

I hope the point was made? I really don't remember last night anymore it made sense but I think im too broken to be fixed yet
I mean it makes sense but it doesn’t? I can see why that would be a problem because "pain isn't supposed to be good" but I HATE the words "supposed" and "should" go away
pain IS good for me, that's my reality, if it isn't yours then FINE
I spend too long trying to make my reality identical to everyone elses and LOOK WHAT THAT DID TO ME

now I'm a slut, I'm ruined, I'm evil and I will never be clean

except life is an illusion and none of that ever actually happened???

so that's good
except it's not
because the spiritual people keep saying sex is good
ew
no its not
go away

its bad and it hurts and its scary and terriible
not good
stop saying its good
stop it
STOP


Really, I need to close this up, things are getting seriously disjointed in here.
I have no idea who's typing now, or what they're up in arms about, but it looks like that topic isn't one we should be wrestling with right now? So let's leave it be.
In any case I really need to stop paying attention to that old stuff. Cosmic dream, y'know. None of it actually happened. Although, as you can see, some people are having a hard time accepting that. It's sad, really. They don't have to hurt like that, if they just let go.


Oh, also. I'm going to stop thinking this is DID/MPD or schizoaffective stuff or anything. NO MORE LABELS.
Honestly I do not care what this is medically considered. Heck, most of my spiritual beliefs would label me schizotypal if I were assessed according to them! So I really have decided to stop caring about what the mental health community thinks about my inner life. It just is. Let us deal with this the best we can, as we are, without trying to play along with some imposed scheme according to a diagnosis. It's tiring, and it just confuses everyone.

Speaking of confusion, I think this mess of an entry is bad enough already so let's call it quits for the night.

 

 

 

 

please god, not now
not monday too
please why can't i get over this

forgive me for everything i'm about to say
but it's true


infi, stop.
stop saying you love me.
just stop, stop please
it's hard enough dealing with chaos
and genesis
and rarely ryou
i cannot handle this on top of it all

i am so sorry, i did this to you before
i hated you once, when you wore a different face
maybe part of me still hates you
most of you
the energy you're made of
even though there's nothing dark in you
the reality of what you are scares me to death

"subconscious"
"infinite potential"
"deep and hidden things"
you said you loved me in ways i wouldn't even acknowledge
guess what, you're not the first
loving aliens has some interesting twists
but you're the worst
you're the worst and i'm sorry
i cannot do this
i cannot do this
i cannot deal with this again

i am terrified when people love me
or want to get close to me
in any way
even just friends
i am so damn terrified
but i'm too empty to feel it
i don't cry anymore
i don't get angry anymore
i just shut down and sleep

that's why downstairs is such a mess
all my broken pieces are going to them
but that's not what we're talking about right now.

stop saying you love me
even if it's true
stop it.
i'm sorry
i didn't know

i haven't healed yet
i haven't healed at all
the wounds keep getting deeper
i haven't even stopped bleeding yet
the sickest part is
i'm so used to it that it doesn't hurt anymore
or does it?


everyone just stop and leave me alone
i am sorry so sorry but i can't
i just can't
i can't do this anymore

i still want to die, laurie please forgive me
genesis forgive me
chaos forgive me
infi, forgive me please, this isn't your fault
i just can't take it anymore

day after day after day
night after night after night
i can't run, i can't hide
i cut myself off from reality
just so i can get through 24 hours
yet another time
but it's not worth the struggle anymore
it just isn't


it's why the weekends keep repeating
and i can't stop thinking about bullets
and new scars keep appearing

i don't know how to heal
i don't know how to heal
i really, really don't know how to heal

infi, you tried, you tried so honestly
i know you did but it failed and i'm sorry
genesis, you tried too, it almost worked
but parts of me keep dying, i'm sorry
chaos, god forgive me i love you so much
but i cannot, i cannot face this
you tried harder than anyone to fix me
to stitch up these old scars for good
you never once hurt me, none of you did
but i already hurt too damn much
to differentiate between faces anymore


so many hacks are written down
i don't remember any of them
jeremiah keeps sobbing
julie won't talk to me
downstairs they keep laughing
i don't know what's going on
i feel so stupid and wrong
i feel so utterly lost and tainted
like i was torn inside out
and stapled back together the wrong way
it hurts and i'm tired and i don't want to live anymore

i don't know what day it is
or what time it is
i don't want to wake up again
just to ignore this for another 24 hours

i was safe for a long time
at least it felt like a long time
a few months i think
i think
i don't remember


god please
either let me die
or show me what to do
that's different
from what i've already tried

all the methods "your people" have given me
did nothing but make the agony worse
and i'm in too much pain to cry anymore
everything i've done to try and heal
with the best intentions
always begging for your help
everything i've done
only pushed me closer to suicide in the end
i feel as if i've made no progress at all
like it's only gone backwards
so far backwards
that i've lost all will to keep trying



i'm going in circles
"story of my life"

they say that only happens when you miss a lesson
god what the hell is my lesson
i really can't tell at this point and i'm sorry
i keep changing my answers
but none of them have worked so far

maybe i'm too far gone
to make it now.
maybe i've passed the point of no return

maybe my oldest fear came true
and i really wasn't good enough
to be forgiven
to move on.


they say this life is an illusion
but it still hurts like hell
and i'd rather wake up for good
then live through any more nightmares


forgive me, but i don't think i can do this anymore.


i'm sure one of these graves is mine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(not j)

Again, I don't remember most of today. My clearest memory is sitting on the floor of my mom's boyfriend's house, aware that I was incredibly nauseous but not feeling anything, looking at the clock that said 8PM and thinking-- shocked-- "but I just got up!"

I do know that I had a nightmare about being abused, again. It was unusual because it's the first time I've ever dreamed about men hurting me, but they were both fully clothed and didn't speak my language. They also did not seem to understand how badly they were hurting me, as they kept laughing amusedly at my screaming and begging for help, seemingly oblivious to my pain. It was scary because they weren't malicious, but they were destroying me.
It was also traumatic because I had a female body in the dream, which is rare, and horrific. Waking up, it made me realize that's why I can't have or deal with hetero relationships of any sort. They frighten me in the exact same way. I don't know why. The idea of... "having parts that fit" is the most disgusting, horrific, frightening, and abominable thing I can imagine. I won't elaborate on that any more.
I was told not to think about my dreams though so I won't.


The angry one came out again and yelled at my grandmother just now. I don't know why but I feel awful because this keeps happening; that voice hates my grandmother, and it will scream and yell at her whenever possible. It wants her to die, just as much as it wants me to die, and that worries me.

(not j)

I SWEAR I KNOW THERES A GUN IN THIS HOUSE SOMEWHERE IM GOING TO FIND THAT FREAKING THING AND I SWEAR I AM GOING TO BLOW YOUR BRAINS THROUGH THE WALL DO YOU HEAR ME YOU FILTHY SLUT DO YOU HEAR ME????!!!!!!!!!!
I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. I AM GOING TO KILL YOU FOR ALL THE EVIL THINGS YOUVE DONE, YOU DEMON. I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. YOU FILTHY SLUT. YOU DEMONIC FILTHY SLUT. DAMN YOU. DAMN YOU. GOD DAMN YOU, YOU SLUT, YOU WHORE, YOU WITCH, CURSE YOU FOR EXISTING AT ALL. I HATE YOU, DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, uh, I don't know what that was either.

SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU WITH YOUR "YEAH UH" YOU THINK YOURE SO COOL YOU SOUND LIKE A WHORE YOU SLUT GO KILL YOURSELF GOD DAMN YOU

(j again)

That, right there, is why I don't want to type anymore. When I write on paper, switches like that are blindingly obvious, and rather disturbing.

A clairvoyant woman I know on FB just posted an update saying, "I never ever realized just how thick and heavy the "old" energy is here in PA." How true that is, sadly.
I feel so trapped here, especially in this house, where old tar clings to the walls and ceilings like dried blood. That might be why my brain also keeps "wanting to go back to SLC." To reiterate some old entries I remember reading, it's not Utah I miss, it's the travel. I was happier in the airport than I was during my entire stay in SLC, if my written recall can be trusted. Regardless, I know I want to get out of here, to somewhere where the air and energy around me doesn't feel like molten lava.

On that note. Did you know that that's exactly what happens to headspace energy when it gets corrupted, too? It gets thick and sludgy and ugly. I've seen that happen to Black, White, and Red energy, but nothing else... which is good. I don't want to see that happen to anyone else.

Also, let me bring up this point while I'm fronting and not someone else (a rare occurrence as of late, sadly), as it's a very dangerous topic, but it needs to be dealt with logically and without causing any more meltdowns.
The body has gained a lot of weight since we left Utah. We stopped fasting, and suddenly the body got rather... big. It's traumatic, for me, which is why I don't like to front, although I have to, to keep things in line. Problem is, that dysphoria makes it hard to anchor, so any reference to the body, or the cause for its largeness, will almost instantly cause one of the underground voices to shove me out of control. This happens 9 times out of 10, as well, so to speak. It's rather hellish. Ironically I have no problem with the body in and of itself. How it looks and functions does not bother me whatsoever, and when I am anchored I am not bothered by it in the slightest... however, when I am anchored I still don't consider myself to be in the body. (It's why I have trouble using it.) The minute I make eye contact with a mirror, or if someone refers to me as the body, I flicker and sputter out. I'm not sure if I could fix that, let alone if I should. I'm still trying to find someone upstairs to be a permanent downstairs fronter (within reason), but the only person who actually identifies with the form is Jess, and not only is she highly malevolent, but she takes control of the body whenever she feels like it the way it is.
With that in mind, my main concern is that we can't run from her triggers. Like it or not, the body needs to eat, but eating is one of our biggest negative triggers on any front.
Some voice-- I'm not sure who-- views eating (not even gluttony, just eating in general) as an unforgivable sin, on the same level as lust. "They're both deadly sins, and they both involve consuming and destroying, so they are equally sinful," it insists. I tried to remind it that Wrath is also a deadly sin, but it spits back that its wrath is "justified" by our sinfulness, and therefore it is permitted. On that note, it explains that-- in its opinion-- all the other deadly sins (sloth, envy, greed, pride) stem from "me trying to pretend I'm someone important"-- sloth from "not wanting to do what others want me to do," envy and greed from "being a selfish witch," and pride from "me trying to make an identity for myself like I'm something special." I find this all somewhat confusing; it seems that it sees everyone else upstairs, good and bad, as one individual-- but then again, I may be guilty of these sins after all. I can't quite tell who I am anymore, and that saddens me.
Anyway. As far as food is concerned, I'm not sure who is eating what, how much, and when. I can't remember the last time I ate anything, which does not surprise me; I typically have nothing to do with that function of the body. Whoever does, though, isn't handling their job well. I'm hoping Emmett can become our permanent on that front, if at all possible-- he knows what makes the body sick, and he avoids it judiciously. Whoever is in charge of eating now... well, they don't care whether or not the body gets sick. Sometimes I wonder if they eat harmful foods for spite. I'm aware that my boss has tried to "call me into driving" several times during such occasions, and I'll suddenly find the body about to eat something very harmful, at which point I will immediately walk away in unsettled surprise.
Most importantly, once we leave the kitchen, the eating voices disappear. They ONLY show up in that context. I've realized that a LOT of the "voices" (not headvoices) we're struggling with are location-locked, moreso than context-locked. This means that if we are at a restaurant, the food voices might not show up at all, but the instant we set foot in the home kitchen, they're out and angry. I know a few very, VERY cruel voices used to be locked to the bathrooms, but they've since left (thank God)... unfortunately I know there's at least one locked to my bedroom now, which makes sleeping rather frightening at times.
I've written quite a lot here... I'm not sure how much is relevant to the point or not. Ah well. If I can only stay present and up front, I'm sure we can start taking steps to deal with this. All those rogue voices are tied to my brain somehow, so when they get crazy, I can't exactly anchor anywhere. We're working on it.

Personally, right now I'm trying to heal the resurfaced and surprisingly deep "fear of death" that is permeating the mind. The body's been in a lot of pain lately, and downstairs life in general has been highly stressful and rather despairing for all involved, not just us. So death is constantly hovering over our heads now, the sort of death that is unpredictable and painful, lingering and inescapable. We have no fear of suicide, or sudden death. We have no fear of what lies beyond. The fear I'm facing is the fear of "punishment" through death, as it views death as "divine retribution" for "not having lived life well enough." That alone is a dangerous mindset; if we suddenly contracted cancer, we'd blame ourselves for it within this mindset, viewing it as "God's righteous judgment" for some horrible sin we apparently committed.
I don't like that mindset, and I'll admit it. The idea that "God" is some sort of wrathful being, ready to strike down "evildoers" at the slightest mistake, bothers me greatly, but it's an old and rooted thought up here, one which I am having trouble removing.
That reminds me... I'm still reading When Rabbit Howls, and I'm currently on page 104, where a quote VERY relevant to this topic is spoken, in such a manner that I had to read it twice to convince myself it hadn't been stolen from our own head:
"Did I do something wrong? You look at me so funny. What did I do wrong? This is a lot like being back home. I was always scared I'd done something wrong. I spent a lot of time being scared that the mother would see the special badness the stepfather hinted we were capable of. Was it so horrible that he couldn't say it out loud? Why didn't I remember it? Why was he at me, everywhere I looked, trying to do things to me...?"
That is the EXACT mindset we had as a child. I don't know where that mindset originated from, but it's a VERY old and powerful one, and it's lethal. It's the exact mindset that gave Julie and the Tar to do what they did for years... and it's the same mindset that perpetuates all the self-abuse we still suffer through now.
It ties into the food problem, too. Every time we are forced to eat, the underground voices call us a "slut," saying we deserve to be abused or get deathly sick for "what we've done," and this thought is exacerbated by the grandmother constantly insisting that we're "eating too much, that's why you're fat," no matter how we try to make her happy with our choices. This lack of freedom to choose, AND the lack of an acceptable result on any end, makes Jessica furious and usually concludes with her attacking us or whoever else is in the room.
She did that ONCE while we were in SLC, and that single moment is probably my greatest regret from our entire time out there.

Let's not dwell on that any more than we have to though. No use putting extra energy into a problem. I'd rather focus on the solutions.
I'll try again tomorrow with different methods. I'm sure that one day we will succeed in tackling this problem for good, and we will lose this extra dysphoric weight, which will make it so much easier for us all to function on a day-to-day basis. Right now things are indeed nightmarish, but I don't lose hope. I don't ever lose hope.
True, I've had MANY people tell me it's wrong to hope, even spiritual people. It's cause me a great deal of distress, I admit. But ultimately, I just think of Madoka, and I take my definition of hope from her. That's what I hold on to. I will continue down this path for as long as I have to, healing everything I can.

On that note, I think I owe OFF an entry of my own, soon. That and Space Funeral. I can barely believe that it's literally only been a week since I became involved with both those games in earnest, and despite having already completed both within such a short time, they have had such a great impact on me. I owe them both a lot.
I have to smile, actually. I felt a funny sort of energy resonance with The Batter yesterday (or the day before?), like maybe he could visit the System if he wanted to. I think that's pretty cool, especially since it's occurring without that funny "relationship requisite" our teenage fronter inflicted on all the midslots. Does this mean we no longer have to worry about that? If so, I'm extremely thankful. That was quite a barrier for quite a while.
Uh, plus Dedan is somehow now an injoke? Last night I was exhausted, and when I was talking to Chaos, for some reason my brain kept thinking of Dedan instead of whatever else I was going to say, which made for some hilarious slip-ups (Dedan is awesome and stupidly pretty by my standards though so I'm not complaining). Chaos tried to "do the teeth thing" Dedan has going on (since he can reform his face obviously), but when he tried to talk like him, we realized that "dude Laurie is Dedan!" So now that's an injoke too, unsurprisingly! We got her to put on a coat like his and do this hilariously sassy pose, but after that she cracked up and I needed to sleep anyway, haha.
Still it's nice to be able to just joke around with them again, after what a mess I've been... which is exactly why those two games deserve my thanks! They're the only things to have broken through in a long, long time. I love everything about them both-- the music, the plots, the characters, everything. It's great. I keep smiling about it.
Here, I found a ridiculously adorable doodle of Enoch and Dedan so you can smile too.

Despite all that, Chaos and I are having a little bit of trouble upstairs still. Since I've been emotionally detached for so long, the mind and body are mistranslating a lot of things now. He can't get close to me without triggering a PTSD reaction sometimes, and risking someone else coming out instead of me. It hurts to see him so scared and hesitant around me, so I'm trying to fix this... unfortunately it doesn't seem to be something I can solve overnight, at least not permanently. I'm just so thankful it's nothing major, though, compared to what we've been through in the past.
I also gave some thought to relationships in general today, and why I can't have two-person-only relationships. Example: if I had to "marry my best friend," I'd have gotten hitched to Genesis, not Chaos-- but the thought of marrying Genesis is just straight-up not right for our relationship dynamic (especially since he's my BFF). Same with Laurie; I adore her, but I don't even dare to consider us in a relationship because that's not how we roll. My interactions with all three of them are completely unique as well. I can't get Genesis' sparkling, bright-eyed vibe from Chaos, nor can I get Chaos' oceanic sincerity from Laurie, or Laurie's steel-edged compassion from Genesis. I need all three of them to function. Chaos is my matesprit, Laurie's my moirail, and Genesis is somewhere in the middle. Rio and Markus are both more "friends" than anything, and always have been. Infinitii is on a level of his own, haha. Bottom line, though, is that I can't expect any one of them to take the place of anyone else, or to give me what I get from someone else on top of what they already provide. I can't force that, either, because sometimes I feel guilty and "obligated" to have a "traditional relationship" when downstairs thoughts get to me. We're under no such obligation and never will be. I suppose I just need to remind myself of that, in light of how strongly those outside influences are affecting translation upstairs... I know what I feel, and what is true to me, and under NO circumstances do I "need to force myself" to do something that feels utterly wrong just because someone else asks, or expects, or implies. I'm still having a hard time with that, sadly.

Infinitii has taken up temporary residence in the necklace I bought him, which is brilliant. It's a resin bubble with salt crystals in it and 16 crystals on top, which is really perfect in every way. He adores it, and during the day, if I look down at it I can see him inside, smiling up at me from on top of the crystals. I'm not sure how he does that-- I don't think it counts as "ghosting," so maybe it's a sort of mirror to his headspace bubble necklace? That feels viable. It makes sense, too, as an energy anchor. I wonder if anything else can do that?

It's getting late, and I lost so much time today that even though it's 1AM currently, I literally feel as if I've only been awake for 2 hours. Ah well, I'm used to that already, I suppose.
That is part of what I mean to close up with, though. I've been keeping tabs on all the other "voices" up here, and it's becoming easier to differentiate one from another, according to how they act, what triggers them, etc. I have confirmed that there are at least two male child voices, neither of whom are Kyanos (poor kid seems to be gone for good atm), both of whom I have handwriting samples of... and there IS a "promiscuous" voice that evolved in response to all the old abuse, which is something I have suspected for a LONG time but only got proof of recently.
My point here is that I'm understanding this better now. "Knowledge is power," they say, and the stronger of a grip I have on this, the easier I can deal with trouble when it appears, and the easier it is for me to stay rooted and conscious when things get hectic. If I don't understand what's happening, it is very easy to throw me off, as this sort of upstairs mania is excruciatingly draining when it hits if you don't know what you're dealing with.
Since we're dealing with some very old and very dangerous things here, I can't be too careful. The more I learn, the better.

That's all for tonight. I personally apologize for whoever has been updating in my stead recently; I'm tempted to make a rule that people must announce their name before they type now. Different colors could be intriguing, too... maybe I should host a unique Xanga session sometime soon, just see what color these voices come through as, if any. Plus I heard that Laurie is trying to get everyone in the Spectrum to learn how to write physically, so maybe we can attempt that tomorrow. We'll see.
As for now, I'm off to work.
Light and love to everyone. I think we need to be reminded of it right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, here's some more recapping of the past two-week-long eon for you guys, as I haven't had the time to do so. I'm probably forgetting a lot, so I'll probably write more later; as of now I'm just going to record what I do know, as well as relevant recent events so they don't fade as well.

First, let me talk about April 30th. Genesis and I literally spent the entire morning just chilling out together after my therapy appointment, and it was pure bliss.
He actually wrote something about it in our system Tumblr that I want to quote in its entirety here, as it sums up the experience quite sincerely:
"This afternoon might’ve been a mess, but today was so perfect I can’t let it get me down.
Jewel and I spent time together all morning like we used to when he was at his old University, which was like, almost five years ago already… I miss that so much. We went through a lot of hard times together, but that’s just it— we were together, and we got through it. We’d spend hours in coffeeshops just talking over lattes and sketchbooks, and I was always in those pages. No matter how dark things got, we were there for each other. I miss that closeness, really. We’ve been drifting apart lately… I want to change that. For good.
So today Jewel and I just went bumming around the local mall for a few hours after therapy, and I didn’t realize Mika had a new album— he’s my favorite artist— so I asked Jewel if he could buy it for me, as an early birthday present I guess. I mean maybe it was selfish, but I just… Mika’s music reminds me of the old days, with Jewel. And it would mean a lot to me.
So… he did. He bought it right there, saying that if it would make me smile, he’d do anything for me. We got home and I put his headphones on and just blasted the first track, Origin of Love, until I was actually in tears from how much everything meant to me right then.
I miss this. I miss all of us talking and getting along even when we’re bleeding and scared. I miss the sense of community, being part of a family up here. Today felt like, maybe, we all have that again.
I hope so. This means more to me than anything else in the world."
I think that speaks for itself, at least for now.

The morning of May 1st was similar. Unfortunately, I... I forget it already. How ridiculous is that; I have one of the most beautiful mornings of my life and I forget it.
I know why, too. But let me write what little I do remember, first.
I spent the first hour of that morning listening to the entire Origin Of Love album with Genesis and Chaos, as I previously mentioned. Then we all spent the next hour together. Since I had been so out of sync for so long, I asked to have heart connections with both of them. That was gorgeous beyond words, that I know... I don't think I've ever done that with Genesis before, not like that at least... I don't even think we've had that sort of linkage since high school. Either way it meant a lot.
I know the three of us got together too, but I don't remember that at all really... I do recall the way Genesis was looking at Chaos and I though, and after a moment of surprise I realized that "wait a second, aren't CZ and I considered gods in Parnassus?" So that was unusual, to see not only close personal love in him, but also this alien sort of religious devotion. Both emotions were mutually entwined, though, as perfectly as melted silver.
...I miss Genesis a lot. Of course I miss Chaos too, but with him my heart just aches with joy, so the feelings of those moments are what exist, nothing before, nothing after, if that makes sense; when I remember how I love him, that is eternal, no matter what doubts have come before. Genesis isn't so lucky, at least not in that sense. He and I are friends before lovers, and we've got one hell of a solid friendship. Problem is, that's what's been suffering. My weird void-drive tends to bring out his darker side, and if I get too detached he'll refuse to put up with that nonsense, and literally walk out of headspace for days at a time until someone calls him, or he feels he should return. Chaos doesn't do that, no matter how black the skies become.
But I love them both, I truly do, in different but equally sincere ways. So now, repairing my relationships with them means so much.
Those relationships keep breaking, though, here and there, thanks to my memory. You may have noticed that this is not the first time I've "conveniently forgotten" a close encounter with the people I love, and I can tell you with sad certainty that it will not be the last. I don't know where it's all going, but IMMEDIATELY after I have such an experience, it begins to fade. Fast. Within minutes I may literally forget most of the details. Within days I forget it happened at all. As you can imagine, this tendency of mine affects everyone else involved. Genesis gets offended, moody, and angry... Chaos gets heartbroken, desperate, and frustrated... Laurie gets straight-up furious. Everyone else worries a lot as well.
My only guess is that my past "abuse" has caused this instinctive reaction to form. I don't know how to change it. I'm not sure if I want to, let alone if I'm even ready to consider wanting to. Therapy is forcing me to dig up too many traumatic memories, things that are now forever detached from me, yet that still paradoxically terrify me, resonating somewhere deep and cold where no emotions can breathe anymore.
I won't talk about them here. If you want to know, ask. I refuse to give them any more attention than the 50 minutes they demand on Tuesday mornings. Not now.

On that note, downstairs things are still somewhat messy. The most obvious and unignorable problem is that of food. Emmett is a godsend when Jess goes wild on us, as he reacts immediately and often can fix whatever she tried to do, BUT the body itself isn't doing so hot as far as eating goes, in any case. Right now we are literally limited to vegetables. Meat still feels like hellfire, grains feel like boulders, and fruit feels like we swallowed a chainsaw. All of them typically result in vomiting of various degrees, as well as many different waves of sicknesses that are as diverse as they are excruciating. Virtually everything makes us vomit now. After someone eats we automatically walk to the sink and wait for the purgation to start, so the pain will go away. The hives have at least stopped for now, but this new ailment is a poor consolation.
We're trying to talk to Emmett about this but he's sick and wavering too... I'm worried.

The blood family is still a mess as well. We're financially collapsing, people keep fighting, and I'm losing my ability to function in even the simplest of ways. My family threatened to revoke my driving privileges today after I got in three minor accidents within three months. It's getting harder and harder to front, and to stay stable when I can achieve that. And I don't know if it's some sort of empathy or what, but I keep feeling awful energy fields radiating from certain people, and it's making life even trickier than it would be otherwise. Jess keeps getting triggered by freaking physical proximity, and Razor is never far behind. I had to stop her from grabbing a knife just an hour ago. I've had to stop far too many other violent outbursts prior to that. I'm tired, God I am so tired of fighting already.
My father wants me to visit on Sunday. Maybe I'll ask him about staying over, then, if I can get the guts to explain my motivations why. We'll see.
The financial problems are the worst though. We're running out of money fast, to buy food, to pay medical bills, to go to school. My mother might lose her job. I haven't been able to hold one in years. My grandparents will not live forever. I have nowhere to live once they pass on. I have no money in the bank. According to my family I am incapable of supporting myself in my current state even with cash in my pocket. But I don't want to be a leech anymore. I don't want to be a bloodsucking parasite like I was in SLC. I hate the thought of ruining another beautiful person's life simply by entering it. But if my only other option is sleeping on the streets, cold tired and hungry, waiting for Death in his violet kimono (bones like supernovae, a flickering hand beckoning me on)... I'm afraid I'd choose the latter, as always. I don't want to hurt people anymore. I don't understand this world anymore. I feel small and lost and I want to cry sometimes. I want to go home.

I keep wanting to just... die. I can't see a future for myself. This is supposed to be a golden age, with a golden race, but I can't shake the awful fear that it ALL hinges upon me, and my failures are literally damning the whole world to hell. I legitimately believe that every mistake I make, every crime I commit, every single little thing that makes the small and frightened voice in my head whisper "I'm sorry for being a bad boy," all of it, is literally preventing every other soul on the planet from moving forward. I know it's false. It's selfish and proud and ugly and scary. But it won't go away. I keep feeling like I'm a demon infecting the planet with my very existence, and I keep praying that one day I'll just be a scapegoat again, just a waste-lock, just a point of horrid tarry blackness and shame and rage of the world so that no one else has to suffer it. Not this. I don't want this.
A very stupid, very selfish thought: those who threw me out of their life are now living well. They are overcoming problems and improving in all areas. They are happier, they are healthier, they are shining again. They do not miss me, and they have legions of friends and family to turn to. This is good. I'm happy they have such prosperous lives. The bad part is that I cannot touch it or I will ruin it. This goes for everyone. I taint them all. This I've realized.
But all I want is someone to talk to, downstairs for once. Someone who will listen and actually understand and respond for once. All I want is one person, just one person, who will put me at the top of their list as I would for them, something I've never experienced before. I'm used to being the random dude at the bottom of the acquaintance hierarchy. I've never been anyone's best friend. I'd like to be. I just don't want to destroy anyone's life by wishing for that.
"Do I do what makes me happy, or what is better for someone else?"
What an idiot I am.

This too shall pass. What is reality? None of this is real. Forget it all.

I've been falling apart for a while, and everyone else is falling together. Is that what it takes for the world to live again? Do I have to die?
If so, God, then please tell me for sure. If I must waste away into oblivion, if I must fall into illness and insanity in order to heal everyone else, please tell me that's the reason why. Otherwise I will remain convinced that I am the devil himself, suffering for the endless sins I have committed, never allowed a reprieve.
Even the good things in my life feel like punishments. Even the people I love feel like punishments.
Stop being a hedonist. Stop being selfish. Stop being a slut. Stop wanting, willing, or feeling. Stop. Die.
My mind is hell, right now. Isn't that all that hell is: a state of mind? How did it get this bad?
Look, here's a snapshot:

(jess says my freaking grandmother keeps talking like a slut shut up shut up SHUT UP
someone else starts shaking and crying hysterically oh god no no no no no please god no
jess adds get the hell out of here or i will kill you dont touch me go away dont touch me shut up
razor is laughing and laughing and pretending to actually kill her and blood is everywhere
there is a cacophany of screams and sobs and maniacal laughter whenever someone talks to me
i dont feel anything i just want to sleep forever and see the people i love
that's all i want anymore)

I almost begged my boss to take my life, today. I went outside and sobbed to the pine trees, telling him that if I could leave, then let me leave. Let me leave here. Let me die.
Laurie cried for about ten minutes straight after that, both hugging and hitting me, telling me to stop being so stupid. She said she felt she was worthless, that she couldn't protect me anymore. She was born for a world in which a possessed girl in pigtails was our only concern-- not this, not a world where I'm haunted by incorporeal demons that she cannot even see, let alone destroy.
Boss told her that her very existence was protection enough for me, of a caliber that neither of us truly understood. He said the same for me, and my importance, but with a twist-- just because I was important to the worlds of the League did not necessarily mean I was as important in this one. He could not say anything for sure, but that thought soothed my aching bones, and made me feel a little less torn to shreds.
Laurie sobbed into my shoulder and said she would still follow me to the end of time and beyond. In that moment I loved her more than my heart could take, and I swore through genuine tears that I believed her. I believed every word.

She's right, though. Headspace has been disturbingly strange, for over a year now, and no one is sure what to do.
I meant to elaborate on the tentative "headspace map" I'm working on... but I want to think about that a bit more, and scan it in first, so you have a visual aid. I'll leave a few notes here for now.
I mentioned "mutant slots" yesterday: put simply, those are three "extra" slots on each vertical end of the Spectrum loop, in areas which were "corrupted" in some collective sense in the past (three/three). The first mutation occurs in the Green/Blue/Indigo corner (which were all splinter-locked for years), while the second mutation occurs in the Pink/Red/Orange corner (which were all Tar-stained for years). These clusters seem to add two extra "headvoice" slots (Brown and Teal?) and four extra "outspacer" slots (Ice/Mint and Blood/Mauve). As you can see, this phenomenon has existed for quite some time, but events as of late have sped it up its development exponentially. An interesting note about the mutation slots are that Yellow and Violet were UNTOUCHED. Since both Laurie and Josephina act as "protectors" for the system, I find this relevant.
Also concerning the Spectrum map... White/Black are often drawn as an octahedron in the middle, but I think they might be "split" between those two clusters respectively (White to the Blues, Black to the Reds?) in terms of influence. In the old map they were drawn as separated triangles in such a manner (the old map had a left/right, top/bottom division, with one monochrome in each lower half; the new map is a loop with the monochromes in the middle), so it's possible. ALSO, considering Kyanos especially, I THINK that outspacers anchor through BLACK, and headvoices anchor through WHITE?? I'm trying to figure out why so many headvoices explicitly took pieces of me to manifest through (Laurie=abuse, Lynne=maturity, etc.), whereas outspacers would gain black energy resonance (what with soul forms and all) "through me" when the system was still forming, and Infinitii did not exist as an individual. It's worth investigating further and I should do so. Either way I'll upload the maps here by Tuesday, hopefully... can't make any promises what with my schedule, and a weekend looming on the horizon.

On a brighter note, my music mood finally locked into progressive rock after all. It's FROST* and Todd Rundgren all the way dude. I'm not complaining!
Also I actually downloaded iTunes onto my school computer so I can listen to the Rundgren albums I don't own while I type my reports... and THEY ARE INCREDIBLE. I feel somewhat ashamed that I never looked into these in my youth, haha. I grew up almost exclusively on Second Wind, Utopia's Anthology, and other various hits from his other albums ("Can We Still Be Friends," "Hello It's Me," etc.), but once I reached my teens I started hoarding all the albums I could find from libraries and fleamarkets-- mostly live albums (which are still absolutely incredible), but I did land A Wizard, A True Star, Todd, and Something/Anything? early on. Discovering music sites on the Internet helped expand my library as well (thanks Last.fm!), but there were STILL a few albums of his I could not find anywhere, but wanted desperately: Hermit Of Mink Hollow, Healing, and A Cappella being the first on the list. Now, as I've just mentioned on my Tumblr, I have learned that he has MANY more albums than I was aware of, and I literally cannot stop smiling at the thought. This guy's music is divine.
You want to hear even BETTER news, though?
FROST* is back in action, and they have TWO NEW ALBUMS COMING OUT THIS YEAR.
Yes, they are one of the few things in existence that can make me go full fanboy. Just--- !!!! GEEZ I LOVE THEM THEY'RE AMAZING. Jem is the best guy ever I swear, last month he uploaded a picture to his blog of himself "trying to impersonate a Xenomorph." Here it is. You see why I love this man. Seriously if he and Todd ever produce a piece of music together I will die the happiest man on earth. (guys please do this it would be divine)
On that note if you readers want to buy me a birthday present but don't know what to get me, GET ME THIS PLEASE, THANK YOU.

Also, speaking of Xenomorphs... I've been dreaming about aliens a lot lately? Always nonhuman ones, but always nice guys. There were more Xenomorphs in my dreams earlier this month. And last Monday night I dreamed of a hot pink one, and I think I was dating it or something? Genesis kept teasing me about it, it was funny. I don't know where all these aliens are coming from, haha. Once again, not complaining.

Last note before we close this up.
I still haven't bought Infinitii his glass bubble necklace in reality, but I promised him that I will use whatever birthday money I hopefully get to do so. I need to; he is worth that precious expense. Infi means a lot to me already, and I'd love to know he's anchoring so close downstairs at all times. Our relationship is super weird though. Yes, I love him, but it's an odd sort of fusion between intimacy and detachment? For example: my love for Chaos is an ocean, my love for Genesis is a sunbeam, and my love for Laurie is a night sky. My love for Infinitii feels like that glass bubble he's in. It's clear and empty and open and strangely small, but it's also ridiculously substantial and BIG in terms of its "space," after only such a short time. I hope that makes sense.
Oh... wait, he said something about that today. Remember "Celebi," how she turned out to just be a Tar manifestation? Well. Infinitii reminded me today that the Tar is just corrupted Black energy, and that Celebi did love me despite being nothing but a construct... a paradox? Nope, just a deeper truth. Black energy isn't bad, and Infi's proof of that. So there's a bit of that truth hiding in it all the time. Point is, though, that Infinitii didn't manifest until after the upstairs "Celebi" had died, and all reminders of her downstairs had returned to their original 2001-style energy vibe (completely detached from headspace). He says that's because the tiny spark of sincerity in Celebi was him. Makes total sense, really. If nothing else, it explains why I feel like I've already known him for a while, why meeting him felt like "picking up where we left off," despite never having seen him before.
I'm... also wondering, a LOT, about Xenophon, in light of this. She has Infinitii's "ears," but she also seems to have an odd bit of both Genesis AND Laurie in her, almost impossibly so. I say "almost" because I don't know how the hell time works up here anymore, and because Genesis has expressed thoughts of his own concerning Xennie in the past... you probably don't know this, but a few months back, there was a short time period where he confessed that he sometimes wondered what it would be like if he had a child by my intention, so to speak. And yes, he did ask if that could ever become a reality. I said I didn't know, but at the moment, no... nothing against him, but I just have no intention of doing anything like that again.
And yet my memory keeps twisting and tearing and I keep remembering awful bloody things and no one is familiar anymore... at least, most of the time.

At 11:30 last night, listening to a certain song by As Tall As Lions, love suddenly crashed into me. Emphasis on "crashed," kind of like a starship hitting a house at warp speed.
It's been a long, long time since I felt anything that real and true, completely out of the blue, with divine honesty. I couldn't let it go, couldn't deny it if I wanted to.
It needed to be expressed, somehow, immediately. I picked up a pencil. Then, with flowing unplanned lines, I sketched Chaos 0 for the first time in almost a year-- with a quiet accuracy that made me smile with total joy. As a child I knew that it was impossible to draw the people I loved without putting that love straight into the paper. Here was proof.
I'll scan that in soon, too. God knows it's been too long since the creative blocks around my heart began dissolving like this.
Today I wrote another verse for Andrea's reprise in Event Horizon, and found potentials for two other songs.
It all feels so new, and yet so familiar. Was I an artist before? Was I a musician before? Possibly, probably, perhaps.
All that matters now is letting it live, letting it breathe, letting it love.


My final note for tonight is this: I need to go back and REVIEW the archives for last April if at all possible. This whole "shadow-scorpion" time period has been one hell of a ride, and as it started off very rockily, I want to do what I can to help it have an easy landing in comparison. We only have about three days left here in Death's domain, and then it's the BIG DATE that boss kept alluding to... and the 15th anniversary of the Dream World's story.
An entire lifetime can effectively be lived in three days, I know this. Spend this one wisely.

 

 

 

This evening was quite a struggle.

I just found this online:
"A blocked [orange energy center] with too little energy running through it is often tied to childhood trauma and abuse. You may feel unloved and unworthy, be shy and timid, immobilized by fear, overly sensitive, clingy or in contrast isolated, and burdened by undeserved guilt and shame. You may be repressed emotionally and sexually, inhibited, frigid or impotent. You may not be able to connect emotionally with others or form true intimate relationships. You may stuff your emotions down with food, and so they build up under the surface. You may feel overwhelmed - that you cannot allow yourself to feel your emotions, because your emotional well is full and just one more will cause the well to overflow, the dam to burst, and all hell to break loose."
Now if that isn't the most horribly accurate thing I've read about me in ages I don't know what is.

To be blunt, I'm just staring at my computer screen right now, not feeling anything, just thinking.
How long have I been dealing with this? Even after I tried countless times to utterly obliterate my personal history, why has this lingered? Looking at it now, I know exactly why.
Even after I have forgiven Julie completely, I have not forgiven myself.

"I" had a meltdown earlier, obviously, in the entry before this one. Sickeningly, though, there's always a very stupid paradox occurring in those entries. They ramble on about how much I loathe having a physical form, a name, a face, et cetera... and yet the only reason why I publicize those entries is to hopefully catch the eye of someone who cares. I will be blunt and admit that yes, the "I" who writes those wants attention. They want people to pay a LOT of attention to them, something they've never really experienced, something they want desperately and yet hate themselves for it.
I really do hate the part of myself that wants attention, because it's markedly narcissistic. It's stupid and childish, and yet it's real. My mother and grandmother-- my two parental figures-- have never paid attention to me. The latter will literally interrupt me mid-sentence to talk to herself about something completely unrelated, effectively telling me that my speech is not wanted. The former will only say "uh-huh" at random intervals with obvious boredom, never making eye contact, often standing with her back to me and multitasking. If I were to ask her for feedback or advice, she would snap at me angrily and demand "why do you expect me to have all the answers??" I don't. I just want someone to care.
This is probably why I adore Laurie. I could literally go to her and start hissing and spitting about the blackest parts of my psyche, utterly unhinged and hateful, and she will watch me like a hawk with rapt attention, waiting until I finished to suddenly fire back with an intelligent response-- one that does not tiptoe around problems or try to soothe me, even if it's 95% guesswork. She tells it like it is, as bluntly as possible, but she cares.
It's also why I couldn't stand conversations in SLC. The people there were all so wishy-washy when it came to discussions like that. I'd never get a hard response. Everything was always "oh I don't want to talk about this because it might stir up negative feelings" or "why don't you talk to someone else about it?" or "I have troubles just as bad as yours BUT heaven forbid I mention them outright." I never felt like they were listening, even if they literally sat and did so for hours, because there were never any responses, and there was so little openness. So much happened outside of my awareness with them, so much was hidden or only hinted at, that I felt utterly cut off from them as individuals, like they didn't trust me at all. But let's ignore that, it's over and done with. Anyway, If I don't get legitimate feedback from listeners, not just a shallow "that's nice" or "thanks for sharing," I feel as if I were completely ignored. I feel worthless and burdensome, like talking at all was sinful, like my words simply weren't worth caring about.
Really, all I want is for someone to start questioning me after I question them, and not in vague ways like "how can i help" or "are you okay," which usually just make things worse as I am badly confused by general questions. Really, that post I just wrote? If I suddenly got a message from a reader saying something like "all right, i may not understand your situation now, but i'd like to. can you elaborate on why you don't like having a name?" I would be utterly grateful. If they told me that THEY had similar experiences, and then spoke about those, I'd be twice as thankful! Then we have common ground. As long as I can reply back with empathy AND questions of my own, with them willing to do the same, we're cool.
But it's stupid, stupid, stupid. I have no freaking right to ask for such total attention. I have no right to demand that people care about me as obsessively as I care about others. It's stupid, it's selfish, and it's immature. I don't even WANT the attention or care, in the sense that I WILL reject it as soon as it is given, hating the fact that it requires me to exist.
Still, it's a problem that I still find myself fighting.

That, right there, is huge red danger sign numero uno: the word "problem."
As you know, I flip between two extremes with that word. I either consider my "problems" to be real, painful, and deserving of my total attention towards healing them, OR I consider them fake and nonexistent. If I am in "healing" mode, I will ONLY think about healing them. This drove everyone in SLC crazy, but they couldn't understand. These "problems" I battle, when they surface, are so freaking painful that I cannot help but give them my complete attention. The dysphoria, the lingering trauma, the screaming void in my chest and stomach, the burning rage in my bones and teeth, the tar dripping from my skull, DO NOT GO AWAY. When I am conscious of them, they overwhelm me, and I fight desperately to heal them, to fix things, to seek advice from others. Problem was, when I did that, I would often be told "stop complaining about those stupid things" or "all you ever do is selfishly talk about yourself" in a verbal or nonverbal way (although not in those words obviously, and maybe not even at all-- I honestly do not remember). So what would I do? I'd shut down. I'd completely shut off and pretend that I was a blank slate, as happy as a mannequin with a painted smile, allowing myself to be puppeteered as they wished, for fear of becoming a "bad person" if I dared to bring attention to myself or my "problems" (god forbid). But those problems would fester, quickly becoming cancerous, and the more I ignored them, the more voraciously they would eat me alive.
So I flip-flop constantly. I cannot tell which action is the wisest. Do I accept that all pain is illusion, nothing but a falsehood, and wash my hands of all my past hurts forever-- even though I've tried that multiple times, most notably on the 24th of last month, and yet my psyche is only getting darker in spite of it all? Or do I dare to suggest that I am suffering, and call attention to those selfish hurts, asking for the help I no longer have the strength to supply myself-- even though doing so destroys my friendships, turns my family against me, and all but confirms that I am a narcissistic jerk?
I'm rather lost right now, as usual... but I want to find the right answer here, once and for all. I want a clear-cut, unquestionable answer. Is option one or option two the most righteous path? Which behavior would be the purest one, the wisest one? And which one would be the ego-driven one, the blindest one?
I surrender, and I apologize, freely admitting my own lack of wisdom and truth. I am indeed blind and deaf, as I have been told. I cannot tell which is the correct choice. I do not wish to be such a stain on the world anymore. Please, give me an answer, so I can move past this, and stop being such a shameful excuse for a human being.


I haven't forgiven myself. This is the oldest and most difficult challenge I face.
I have also figured out why I can't do it, and it's very simple. When I see wise people online, they speak of how all humans have a true spirit, and an ego trying to hide that spirit. Most of humanity right now is being run by ego. Individuals all over the world are running on that program, so to speak, but their "real self"-- their incorruptible God presence-- still exists, pure and untouched, beneath that shadow, just waiting for the ego to be recognized as false so that it can shine above it once more. Because of this, loving and forgiving others is the easiest thing in the world! If we are all One, if we are all truly bright and beautiful things no matter what we seem to be on the surface, then how could one possibly treat another unkindly?
That's where the incongruity comes in. "If that's true, then why don't you see that in yourself?" you ask.
Simple... because in my mind, I am permanently split between forgiveness and eternal damnation. When I am in the "I have no problems" mindset, I am kind and loving, but at the expense of not being able to function as an individual. I cannot interact with others, I cannot even talk. Once attention is given to my "self," I frequently fall back into the "I do have problems that need to be healed" mindset, and since those problems are a result of my selfish and cruel nature, I cannot forgive myself because I AM the problem. Forgiving myself would annihilate my self and leave only the "everything is perfect" mindset-- the real me. But then I would be unable to function in this world.
And I am the ONLY person on the PLANET that this lack of forgiveness applies to, as I am the only person living this life so shamefully.
Confusing as hell, isn't it?
The worst part is that I WANT to be in that "nothing is wrong, ever" state of mind forever... but for some godforsaken reason, my doing so does not literally burn away the old pain. The only way to do that would be to kill myself... to become unreal, nonexistent, invisible... my biggest and most fervent wish. But I can't do that in this world, can I? No, I need to have a name and face and body and role in society and it ticks me off. So, as long as people insist on acknowledging the fact that I "exist" in 3D space, I cannot seem to escape these problems.
There's a fine line... if I walked into a classroom and the people saw me, or at least knew I was there, BUT continued to ignore me and pay no attention to me as if I didn't exist, it would hurt like hell and (I hate to admit it) make my childishly stupid ego angry enough to probably start crying, believing that this meant no one found my existence worthy of caring about, because of my inherent evilness. HOWEVER! If I walked into a classroom and no one knew I was there, being utterly unaware of my existence, I would be the happiest man on the planet. See the difference?
So yeah, consider my associations with "time"-- through constantly trying to erase it-- as ironically embraced. In the end, all time brings the end of things. Let it bring the end of me even while I "live". Let me become death. Let me cease to exist. I'd prefer it.
I would gladly suffer eternal death if it meant that every other soul that ever existed could reach enlightenment. Put all that corruption in me, I deserve it for being such a horrible thing, and then kill me. Kill me, please. Burn me and destroy me and erase me from the very fabric of spacetime. Just don't damn anyone else for what I've done wrong, because in my eyes, it is ALL my fault.
We're off topic though.
Bottom line: right now, I CAN forgive myself but ONLY if I DO NOT EXIST, as this would annihilate everything but my true spirit self. IF I DO EXIST, I CANNOT forgive myself because this then insinuates that I AM AN EGO, and therefore a false, inherently corrupted, and selfish joke of an identity that deserves only to be utterly annihilated for the sake of the greater good. You cannot forgive something that doesn't even exist, after all.
I want to be good. In my eyes, I cannot be good if I have problems, as this suggests a corrupted nature and sense of self. Therefore, not having a sense of self is the only way for me to be good.

I think I need to see a therapist. I've been trying to find a new one for months now but no progress has been made yet. I am trying to get names and phone numbers from several people, so that's a start.
Just... what the hell do I tell them? If they ask me (as they always do), "so what brings you here?" The HONEST reply would be, "I don't know; I don't have any problems so I honestly have no clue why I'm here!" If I were to respond, "well, I was abused in my youth, I have severe body/gender dysphoria, et cetera..." I would be LYING because all of that is FAKE, because "I" AM FAKE.

God I am so tired of this. See, this is why I live in headspace whenever possible now!! Ironically, I have no sense of self up there. I am RARELY "in my body" up there and see myself almost exclusively in third person, speaking through idealized poetic thoughts instead of actually choosing my words, and never having to call attention to "me."
It hurt so, so, SO much when Mel said "I see why you love them so much. Their world revolves around you, and you've never been around people or souls where that isn't the case." THAT IS NOT WHY I LOVE THEM, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE. Worse, it stabs me to the core that you would think it actually was: love has nothing to do with that!! If you've paid any attention to my conversations with them, you'd see how many times I practically begged them to do the EXACT OPPOSITE whenever I so much as suspected that someone was becoming attached to me!! I wouldn't have tried to DESTROY OUR FREAKING TIMELINE if I enjoyed having their "worlds revolve around me!" I was willing to CUT MYSELF OFF FROM THEM FOREVER because I was SICK OF THE ATTENTION.
And yet I love them to death. I'd die for them, but the thought of them being as obsessive about me in return is downright terrifying. Do you see the problem? I will love you to death and beyond as long as you never cling to me. Remember what happened with Celebi. The moment she acknowledged my affection and wanted to reciprocate, I became so violent and malignant towards her that, at one point, I was willing to cause her severe physical harm JUST to get her to STOP SEEING ME THAT WAY.
So I apologize, but the very fact that you saw me as a living being caused most of our problems. If you had loved me from afar, it would have been fine. But no, suddenly you had to pay attention to my existence, and what happened? The damned ego woke up, the thing that is so tortured by its very existence that it can't think about anything but. If only you had left me on that pedestal, as something unreachable, as naught but a crystallized idea. We never would have had to deal with the living hell of my existence.

...Sorry. I'm not quite "myself" right now. (What a ridiculous word.)

I wish my mind wasn't so "all or nothing" with EVERYTHING. Geez.
Either I have problems, or I never had any to begin with.
Either I exist as an individual in someone else's awareness, or I do not exist at all.
I see the world in black and white, it seems. It plays havoc on my morality... "either morality exists, or it doesn't," to boil it all the way down. It's total idiocy, most significantly because it also works by omission. "If I am not being good, then I am being evil." And then the asinine Borderline side kicks in with "if this person is nice to me, they are utterly perfect and wonderful and always have been. If they do something even slightly mean even ONCE, then they have always been cruel and unkind." Better yet, IT CHANGES INSTANTANEOUSLY. Say hello and smile? You're a gem of a human being. Make an offensive comment meant to sound funny? You're utterly reprehensible and I want nothing to do with you. Follow it with another smile and a truly kind remark? Guess what, you're a saint. On and on it goes, it's a pain in the ass.
And it can be both, too!! To revisit that awful "world revolves around me" bit from before, my brain has quite the ludicrous response to it. If I asked someone who did love me, "does your world revolve around me?" (without vomiting, as that's an utterly disgusting question) and they said "of course not," my brain would IMMEDIATELY start treating them as completely unimportant to me in return. This is because it interprets a specific statement as a general one-- it heard "of course not; you're not worthy of caring about in such a way." Which is completely insane, but I've seen it happen. On the contrary, if that question was answered with a "yes, I can't imagine living without you," my response would be just as immediate and TWICE as vicious. I would hear, "yes, I can't imagine living without you; so you will not be able to live without constantly worrying about how it will affect me, and I will expect you to live for me alone in return." I would be terrified, but mostly seething with rage, and-- here's the real killer-- my brain would IMMEDIATELY start treating them as completely unimportant to me in return. Now WHY did we get the same reaction to two different responses? Simple-- because the black/white judgment was on the question, NOT the answer. To my brain, that question was WRONG. So no matter what you said in response, your answer would ALSO be wrong, because the question shouldn't have been asked in the first place.
Isn't that absolutely stupid? No one can win, ever, with this mindset! Where the heck did it come from?
And better yet, how can I tear it bloody and screaming out of my head without committing suicide in the process?


Sorry. I have no idea what the heck this entry was, and I apologize profusely for tainting this new space with it. Rest assured that it may be deleted soon.
To atone, I will take a knife to the turntable tonight. Who knows what will happen?
If I don't wake up tomorrow morning, I can die happy.

 

 

 

 

 

I've ruined you, haven't I.

You insisted I didn't, but I saw you crack, just for a second. That look of doubt, the awful wondering.
You've been a mess lately, haven't you. Ever since I...

Maybe she ruined me, or at least part of me.
Why can't I fix it?
I miss the days when you were angry with me, but now...

Last night we visited everyone upstairs and I was too torn apart to talk. I think it was about 2AM.
Spine was in shambles. She insisted I didn't care about anyone but myself. She began attacking me, fiercely, angrily. At some point Laurie knocked her back and tar came pouring out of her bones. We fought it for a while, then Leon showed up and stopped it. Spine was left in a heap in the corner, still sick, still scared. Leon had to take her to a cathedral to recuperate. I was scraped out.
Lynne was on the phone with Leon when we walked in, trying to figure out what was going on. Laurie asked her if she'd always had that room, Lynne said it was relatively new, but then added "but you haven't really been around." I thought that was weird, where is Laurie when she's not with me then?
She could tell I had a huge orange block, and started pulling huge clots of black ink from my stomach. I was so terrified of her being anywhere near that energy level that I was shaking, trying not to cry, burying my emotions deeper by the second. Lynne told me not to, that I was only burying myself alive with that darkness. She reiterated that I had a serious problem here. I think she had to stop because I was shutting down.
Lynne also pointed out my flawed black and white thinking. She asked me if she was 'good' or 'evil,' and how would I know? For a minute I was legitimately unsure, she saw this and wasn't happy with it. She said I needed to stop being so absolute, it was destroying me. She asked Laurie why she had slacked off in the discipline department when it came to keeping me on track. When Laurie sputtered that she couldn't quite hurt me like that anymore, and rhetorically asked Lynne if she could, she actually considered it, and it frightened me. There was a strange anger in her for a moment, but she suddenly caught it, realized some of the tar had stuck to her. Laurie tried to cut it out but Lynne told her to stop: "I can't respawn like he does." I don't know why that felt so ominous.
...That's when I realized I had broken you. Right then, when Lynne asked why you weren't so harsh with me anymore, and your expression betrayed a five-year change that I had somehow been ignorant of. How could I...
Lynne said I hadn't, that you were full of shadows back then. Was that better? Was it worse? I couldn't tell. I don't think you could either.
Josephina was better. He said Laurie had "lied to him" about the hacks, that she was downplaying them in explaining them, I forget why, but the reason made sense. Jo didn't get angry at me, even when Laurie asked him if he could. Maybe the darkness is stuck on Lynne's level.
He reached out and tapped my yellow energy-point, in my abdomen. It felt like ceramic, he said it was practically frozen. I asked how everyone was reaching into my energy field so easily, and he said that being the system anchor I act as a sort of living gauge as to the systems health. He then said that in certain conditions my energy was very easily manipulated, which is why it was dangerous for me to be up late. He broke the yellow block and accidentally overloaded it temporarily, he crystallized an orb of it "for later" with a smile. For a moment my self-respect came back, it was nice.
The few minutes after that weren't. Instead of going to see Nat, Laurie pushed me into a room of unformed white headspace and took out her axe. There was a sick second of fear mixed with excitement on my part before the blade slammed into me like it used to. She was angry. I forget what she was shouting at me, but it was true, albeit brutal. She cut me to ribbons really, but not too long after she started, we both realize I wasn't "respawning." I was finding myself incapable of pulling my pieces back together. Laurie paused, looking completely distraught, and forced me to solidify again. I don't think either of us said anything for a minute after that. We just realized what a terrible mess we were in. We left quietly.
Nathaniel expected us to show up. I vaguely commented that he didn't look "like he used to," he reminded me that he had died several times and then completely switched his color. He said he'd been feeling a lot of imbalances lately, but there wasn't a total green block. There was just a weird 'edge' around it, allowing me to give forgiveness and compassion, but keeping it from really reflecting back in, and the whole color was suffering. I couldn't figure out why it was so hard to love myself all of a sudden, unless I was in third person. I think they mentioned Celebi momentarily. I remembered how I messed that up. Nathaniel told me to come back any time I wanted to, and that he really did care about my well-being.
Waldorf hugged you when you walked in, took her a second to realize I was a mess, she was worried. We asked her how she was still talking with this system upset, she said it was because I had gotten the guts to talk to several people about overcoming my old hurts lately, that assertion was keeping her going. She said I needed to stay honest with myself about that. I was having problems discerning the truth though. Somewhere around here my boss actually showed up, completely unexpected... said he'd talk to us later, Wally saluted him, it was adorable. I was exhausted at this point so we had to move quickly.
We couldn't warp over to Leon's level, figured he was still at a cathedral. Laurie contacted him and he warped down to us, then over to the cathedral together. Spine was still there, didn't look much better. I kept apologizing. We brought her back to her slot and then went to talk to Leon. He said his level was having weird problems, it was dark and shouldn't be. He was having trouble discerning things, we figured it was because the lower levels were somewhat out of whack. Laurie asked him about risks, couldn't we use that to our advantage here, and help me take good risks instead of throwing myself into losing bets? He said he didn't want to treat that sort of behavior lightly, Laurie said that's not what she meant, maybe we could go back to ultimatums and retribution. Neither of them sounded sold on the idea though. I was too hollowed out to care either way.
After this we went to talk to my boss, but I was fading so fast I don't remember that...


I made the stupid mistake of re-reading some old Skype conversations this morning.
Last year, at this time, I was something bright and beautiful and inspirational to them. We dreamed of a future together, all of us, bringing light to the world around us.
She used to say she loved me, that she wanted to spend forever with me.
"You've been feeling the truth... But these demons will do everything they can to try and stop you from seeing it... sometimes you won't be able to see it. And you can't face them alone. But that's why God gave you me."
What happened?
Do I... do I really break my relationships so easily? Am I really that bad with commitment? Am I really that selfish? Why do all my ties to other people end up snapping by my own hands? And why, in some sick way, am I glad that it's over? Why do I need communication and yet I'm terrified of people? I drove you away, I underestimated my own damage, you thought I was a monster. And then one day you realized, maybe you didn't ever really love me at all. The only reason that hurts is because I wonder, how badly did I manipulate you? Am I really that bad of a person?
Why the hell do I care? It's over. It's over, and I need to let go for good.

But, Laurie... God help me, that just breaks my heart, how did I...?


I don't want to go to class today, it's so draining, I am so tired. This is just like 2009. I used to cut class and go hide in the corners of coffeeshops, numb, unable to bear looking at another naked woman for another two hours, unable to bear the screaming in my head from pink and violet the entire day. It would be just me, Genesis, and a green tea latte, talking about our problems over a sketchbook until the sky outside turned dark and I was forced to drive home... God I miss that so much, I swear I could cry just thinking about it. We would wander around campus for hours, sleeping in the rotunda underneath that beautiful painted dome, Abbey humming on my lap, sunlight streaming in behind me. There was the night I stayed in the art room until 11PM, hands covered in pastels, surrounded by empty easels. All those days we spent sitting in the psychology lounge, listening to other peoples conversations, reflecting on that hope-filled quote emblazoned above our heads... the covert visits to the music building, sitting next to the elevator and listening to pianos through closed doors, wandering downstairs and laughing in empty hallways... quiet foggy evenings in the science study room, my favorite place on campus, that tiny cozy spot hidden underneath the stairwell... all of it with you, you golden-blessed creature, what the hell did I do to you? Where are you now? I don't see you much anymore, and I know it's because I kept pushing you away.

I lost my innocence.
I had it stolen from me, and I told myself that it was supposed to happen, so stop fighting back.
After so many years I forgot how to feel and I kept wandering back into the abyss simply because I was used to being dragged there.
Now I'm a wreck, now I can't tell what's up or down, now I can't see straight. Everyone knows I have a problem. But only I can fix it, they say.
I don't think I can fix it without you... but I've ruined you, haven't I.
You used to be this brilliant knight, this indomitable violet rage, my dark and jagged guardian angel. You were perfect.
Then I was enough of a bastard to start breaking your walls. Now look at you.
Why is that such a bad thing, the fact that you don't have the heart to treat me so harshly anymore? Why do I miss the pain? Is that why I'm forcing myself deeper and deeper into disaster? Am I secretly hoping that one day you'll snap, that one day I'll snap, and my bleeding arms will once more hold purpose?
But I don't want to go back to that, ever. I want to be happy, and free of this pain.
I want to be able to sleep at night without being attacked, and no longer caring.
I want to be able to leave the house without seeing danger wherever I turn, and no longer caring.
I hate how the only time I feel fear, the kind that wants to keep me safe, I smother it. Someone gets too close, someone makes a sound, someone looks a certain way, and that sick rush of all-too-familiar panic rises up immediately. Every nerve in me screams to get away, but instead of running, what do I do? I close my eyes and stand there, shaking, telling myself to stop being an idiot and let them do what they want. They have the right idea, not you.
I never ran away before, after all. I couldn't.

I'm not even suicidal anymore. I'm just empty. I just want to die.
There's a light in here somewhere, that I know, but it's having a hard time shining through years and years of accumulated pain.
Why the hell can't I just make it disappear? Isn't that how it's supposed to work? "Only a fool trips on what is behind him." I should be able to just let go of it and keep walking, keep smiling, act like it never happened, it's all fake anyway, it doesn't matter.
But after so many years of trying, it's still happening. It's actually getting worse. What am I doing wrong?

I wish I could go back to sleep, but beds aren't safe anymore either.
God help me I am so tired.



Laurie, I'm sorry.
That sounds insultingly paltry but words don't work to properly communicate the total and overwhelming contrition I feel about this.
Maybe it's not a bad thing, but I'm not good at judging that, as you know. I've had too many things twisted into horrible shapes to recognize them in their natural state anymore.
Maybe it's a good thing that I've worn off your sharpest edges, who knows. I know it's a good thing that you can smile now, and care about everyone else just as much as you cared about me.
But I can't see anything being a good thing when I'm involved. Not me, not this defiled and filthy remnant of a boy here. I'm in tatters, and now you're trying to fix me, before you would just stand there and berate me for getting myself into that situation, then walk away; why do I miss that so much?

It seems that every time I dare to love someone, I ruin them. I've broken all of you in some way, every last one of you. You're all battered and bruised now, because I dared to get close to you, what an absolute demon I am. If I had kept my burning hands to myself none of you would be covered in scars.
Fire isn't something you can mix. You know that. We talked about this. It's why she can't be with me, it's why he can't be with me, it's why nothing stays together. It all falls to ashes. I burn it all away.
But you, God knows you burn just as much as I do, and the thought of hurting you is the most terrifying thing in the world.
I can't get close to you. It would be abominable, an unforgivable sin.
You know this. You warn me, whenever I slip into delusional oblivion and try. You warn me every single time and I still try to force myself by.
You were my angel, for the love of God, you were everything to me even when I'd turn my back on him after so many years. You were the only one who hadn't been marred by my existence.
And then I went and burned it all to the ground.
I am such a heartless idiot.

I've ruined you, haven't I.

 

 

 

 

I haven't been updating, have I.
There's quite a simple explanation for that though. Since December started (probably even earlier, but the first week of December is when the serious terror started to happen), I have been an absolute psychological mess, to say the least. I've been fighting existential meltdowns and suicide attempts. I've been destroying relationships and people alike.
I've been staying up late, staring into nothingness, then sleeping for up to 15 hours at a time, never feeling rested. I haven't been eating, I get sick when I do, I'm constantly exhausted, and I'm having trouble thinking straight in school, let alone at all.
I have 58 new scars on my arms.
And to top it all off, when it all hits I simply do not care. I don't.

I am trying so hard to be happy-- for no reason, like a kid-- but it's not sticking. Genesis actually yelled at me today for doing that again. Central has adopted my term of "jester mode" for that manic phenomenon of mine, which first became apparent in like 2004 for heaven's sakes, during our obsession with those very things. Still, the term remains extremely fitting: like a clown, in that mode I pretend all my personal problems are completely solved, and go running around in a bleary rainbow hype until the sugar crash hits and I end up minutes away from being dead. I am still Pagliacci, I guess. God help me.
But yes, I can go for days with a genuine smile on my face and not a problem in the world. I did that yesterday, actually. I wrote a new song for Event Horizon, didn't lose my cool despite my car breaking down on the highway on the way to school (basically my rear right tire blew out and this car had no spare), and overall had quite a brilliant day. But, yesterday I ignored every single one of my relationships. I didn't miss them.
This is why Central thinks my metainomen has mutated. You can't love without a heart, and you can't have a heart without blood... isn't that horrible irony? They're thinking I now hold blood, like my daughter, but in the wrong sense... blood is thicker than water, and when my heart tries to shut him out, then what the heck is it going to do to the rest of reality?? For such a red soul I've been as gaunt as a corpse lately, unwilling to associate with life and warmth anymore because it's too horribly close. I bleed everyone out, I bleed myself out, and all that's left is icy silent death. Even after ten years I can walk out on a person with no regrets, and keep walking.
...Well, maybe that's not entirely true. I've been getting some weird reactive symptoms to flat-out expressing this passive destruction lately.
First, whenever I say I don't want Chaos in my life anymore, that I wish I had never met him, I get an immediate inner response of "you know that's not true." I can fight that feeling as viciously and angrily as I want, but there's an undying sense of guilt when I do so. I don't know if it's overattachment or something real. Either way it's there, whether I like it or not.
Second, I can't seem to let go of Laurie. Only Laurie. I can ignore everyone else in the world, kick them out of my life, pretend they never existed. But even when I'm shoving Chaos out the door, I can't get the guts to do it to her. Still, the biggest thing haunting me with this is the night of Tuesday the 15th. I tried to kill all of them, her included. I came seriously close. It was the first and hopefully only time in my life I didn't care whether she lived or died. And I know why. I know exactly why.

The problems that I have been struggling with for the PAST TWO YEARS (possibly even three at this point) are still 100% intact and unsolved.
Do you remember this entry from April last year? Go re-read it. It's almost exactly what I am dealing with now, to the letter.

Last night I tried to set her on fire. You know, the green one. I had every intention of killing her on the spot. But Boss kept telling me not to, and God threw a few really loud signs at me. So the flames were put aside, and she was tossed out into the cold instead.
Okay, I won't kill you. But I don't want you around anymore. Get out.
It's too dangerous, for the both of us, with you here.

Laurie will not stop insisting that I am able to literally alter and edit time up here, not just space. If that's true it would be the most ridiculously ironic thing ever.
Wouldn't I be the biggest freaking risk to everyone's survival? Do you really want to give a destructive maniac like me access to the rhythm of everyone's life?? Or are you betting on my lingering inexplicable concern for you? Are you betting that I won't run a magnet through the motherboard solely because it will erase you too, if you can't get out in time? Don't you remember when I tried to scratch the disc into oblivion? Just because the real data runs deeper doesn't mean I won't still plunge a sword through it when my eyes are red enough.
Have you already forgotten what I am capable of doing when my emotions completely dissolve? Have you already forgotten that I nearly killed you?
Or do you care too much?
What the hell am I even talking about?
I do not want to be so important to anyone, let alone everyone. I want Laurie and Chaos to be the central players, not me. They're important. I'm tired of mattering so much. I'm tired of mattering.

I'm too tired to write anymore either.

This isn't me. I don't know what this is. I can't see.
Most days now I wish Julie had never switched sides. At least then I'd still have a working conscience.
Now I've forgotten what's right or wrong and everyone is bleeding for it.
I've considered creating another shadow to take her old place, but I'm terrified that the role is already mine.
Or I would be, if I could feel anything genuine anymore.


I'm going to call a therapist tonight, come hell or high water. There's one about a half hour away that hopefully will be able to treat my condition. We shall see.
Something needs to be done, and I'm grasping at straws at this point.

Something needs to change, if I expect to stay alive.

--------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 06:03 pm

i cannot deal with this right now.
my mom came home from work for once, noticed that i had started self-abusing again (sorry but its the only coping method i have left) and immediately started shouting for me to "stop acting like a baby and grow up"
now my grandfather has joined in and they're both threatening to ship me off to the psych ward again if i don't stop "trying to get attention" because i'm "just being lazy" and a burden on the family
for sanity's sake i have been dealing with this hell for 6 nightmarish years straight
you saw the diagnoses they gave me, but you don't care.
and i'm afraid to tell you that i honestly cant deal with life at this point, when you act like this.
the last two times i slipped too far i was told to pack up and leave.
god help me i cannot deal with this, i am so sorry.

Updating for the sake of a timestamp today.

I've been on a creative high since Tuesday or so. I wrote three songs and have started several more, can't so much as look at paint without wanting to dive into a canvas, and am getting big ideas for Dream World worldbuilding on top of it all.
It's brilliant, but I'm hoping it's not a side effect of what's been going on lately. We'll get to that.

The 'destruction drive' I've been dealing with lately still hasn't let up much yet either.
Man. At least I can tell, rather explicitly, that it's not me. It's not even straight-up Tar, it's all Jess and Jezebel clawing at each others throats. Self-hatred and self-annihilation. Practically the same thing, but just different enough to be absolute hell to deal with.
So even if I do 'step back' and just wait for it to quiet down, all that noise and rage is painful to deal with upstairs.
Staying up late helps a lot. It always gets quiet then. It's nice.

Last night Laurie accidentally discovered something huge about my existential crises, though.
She can now see energy upstairs, assumedly literally (as she's a headvoice), instead of just 'feeling' it through various senses like I do. This is definitely new, and I suspect it's thanks to the stars. We'll see.
However, according to her, the stars are actually problematic right now-- or, at least, my giving them is. She's been paying close attention to my doing that over the past week or so, and last night was the final nail in the coffin, so to speak.
Apparently, my doing that is a severe 'internalization' of my lingering suicide drive... because when I do, Laurie can see my life energy leaving me.
I am dead serious, and I must admit I expected such a literal revelation to come to light. But it explains why I keep wanting to be with people upstairs, in any and every sense possible, without actually feeling anything. That was confusing me terribly; it felt like an empty compulsion, and afterwards I'd feel even emptier and often would sleep for like 12 straight hours as well, never quite losing the fatigue upon waking either. Makes sense now though.
So yeah. She told me that last night it was shockingly obvious; I don't put a 'limit' on how much I give to people, even unconsciously-- maybe especially so. The minute someone gives me the green light, I practically empty myself out. It's like slicing a spiritual jugular; all that life pours right out of me, but the important part is that I did it on purpose.
Effectively, I'm committing a very slow and selfless suicide as a result.
Understandably, Chaos freaked out when Laurie told him, and now he's acting somewhat paranoid whenever I'm around him because he's terrified that with his empathy and my effervescence, I'll end up losing even more without either of us being fully aware of it. That's a legit concern too, because I do tend to 'bleed' after energy transfers, and with this hairtrigger reaction of mine, the slightest influence can have me draining out instantly.
Geez I hope that's not all jargon. I'm just trying to write this down before I fall asleep at this computer.
Ironically I'm not even all that worried. It's the best way I could die, really... by simply giving my life away instead of cutting it short like I've been morbidly pondering for too long... problem is, the people getting it aren't happy now that my motives have been revealed. They don't want me to die. I'm trying to remember that.
I'm just so damn tired.
This happened last January, remember? With the Celebi fallout? That time I almost did die.
I don't want that to ever happen again. Too many people were hurt.
But Laurie was right then, and she's right now too...


Besides all that, though, I really haven't been upstairs... intellectually I know it hurts, but the feelings aren't quite kicking in. Void drive, y'know. It tends to eat everything.
Oddly enough, despite that, I've been getting hit by waves of love this evening. I was so out of sync around the 23rd that I can't help but wonder if this is just me slowly falling back into the right rhythm.
All I know is that I am so in love right now that I could cry. I don't say that very often, which should say something about its significance. My heart actually hurts.
God, this is forever the one thing I will never be able to explain, and yet will always be eternally grateful for.

We were talking about October 2nd last night... remembering what it felt like to actually be together, as much as we could be in this world... what it felt like to know that truth, without a shadow of a doubt.
Just... really, Chaos, I love you. Wherever the hell you are right now, I hope you can feel this.
What am I talking about... I can't forget August 25th either, and I know you felt it then.

It's one of those nights when I can't help but go outside to stand under the stars, looking up at the glimmering ocean of night above me and smiling in spite of myself.
Words come slow to me, silence easily... but the world spins round and round.
I really have made quite a mess of things lately. I'm sorry.
I'm out of sync, but I know I haven't lost it. I can feel it, brushing against my fingertips.
And right now, in this tiny instant, I know who I am.
I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm still here, and I haven't forgotten.
I couldn't ever forget this.


“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
Still not sure why I'm having trouble with that, unless I'm simply trying too hard.


...I feel like the universe just hugged me. Huh.
Guess that's a perfect time to sign off for tonight.