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[prismaticbleed]

Updating for the sake of a timestamp today.

I've been on a creative high since Tuesday or so. I wrote three songs and have started several more, can't so much as look at paint without wanting to dive into a canvas, and am getting big ideas for Dream World worldbuilding on top of it all.
It's brilliant, but I'm hoping it's not a side effect of what's been going on lately. We'll get to that.

The 'destruction drive' I've been dealing with lately still hasn't let up much yet either.
Man. At least I can tell, rather explicitly, that it's not me. It's not even straight-up Tar, it's all Jess and Jezebel clawing at each others throats. Self-hatred and self-annihilation. Practically the same thing, but just different enough to be absolute hell to deal with.
So even if I do 'step back' and just wait for it to quiet down, all that noise and rage is painful to deal with upstairs.
Staying up late helps a lot. It always gets quiet then. It's nice.

Last night Laurie accidentally discovered something huge about my existential crises, though.
She can now see energy upstairs, assumedly literally (as she's a headvoice), instead of just 'feeling' it through various senses like I do. This is definitely new, and I suspect it's thanks to the stars. We'll see.
However, according to her, the stars are actually problematic right now-- or, at least, my giving them is. She's been paying close attention to my doing that over the past week or so, and last night was the final nail in the coffin, so to speak.
Apparently, my doing that is a severe 'internalization' of my lingering suicide drive... because when I do, Laurie can see my life energy leaving me.
I am dead serious, and I must admit I expected such a literal revelation to come to light. But it explains why I keep wanting to be with people upstairs, in any and every sense possible, without actually feeling anything. That was confusing me terribly; it felt like an empty compulsion, and afterwards I'd feel even emptier and often would sleep for like 12 straight hours as well, never quite losing the fatigue upon waking either. Makes sense now though.
So yeah. She told me that last night it was shockingly obvious; I don't put a 'limit' on how much I give to people, even unconsciously-- maybe especially so. The minute someone gives me the green light, I practically empty myself out. It's like slicing a spiritual jugular; all that life pours right out of me, but the important part is that I did it on purpose.
Effectively, I'm committing a very slow and selfless suicide as a result.
Understandably, Chaos freaked out when Laurie told him, and now he's acting somewhat paranoid whenever I'm around him because he's terrified that with his empathy and my effervescence, I'll end up losing even more without either of us being fully aware of it. That's a legit concern too, because I do tend to 'bleed' after energy transfers, and with this hairtrigger reaction of mine, the slightest influence can have me draining out instantly.
Geez I hope that's not all jargon. I'm just trying to write this down before I fall asleep at this computer.
Ironically I'm not even all that worried. It's the best way I could die, really... by simply giving my life away instead of cutting it short like I've been morbidly pondering for too long... problem is, the people getting it aren't happy now that my motives have been revealed. They don't want me to die. I'm trying to remember that.
I'm just so damn tired.
This happened last January, remember? With the Celebi fallout? That time I almost did die.
I don't want that to ever happen again. Too many people were hurt.
But Laurie was right then, and she's right now too...


Besides all that, though, I really haven't been upstairs... intellectually I know it hurts, but the feelings aren't quite kicking in. Void drive, y'know. It tends to eat everything.
Oddly enough, despite that, I've been getting hit by waves of love this evening. I was so out of sync around the 23rd that I can't help but wonder if this is just me slowly falling back into the right rhythm.
All I know is that I am so in love right now that I could cry. I don't say that very often, which should say something about its significance. My heart actually hurts.
God, this is forever the one thing I will never be able to explain, and yet will always be eternally grateful for.

We were talking about October 2nd last night... remembering what it felt like to actually be together, as much as we could be in this world... what it felt like to know that truth, without a shadow of a doubt.
Just... really, Chaos, I love you. Wherever the hell you are right now, I hope you can feel this.
What am I talking about... I can't forget August 25th either, and I know you felt it then.

It's one of those nights when I can't help but go outside to stand under the stars, looking up at the glimmering ocean of night above me and smiling in spite of myself.
Words come slow to me, silence easily... but the world spins round and round.
I really have made quite a mess of things lately. I'm sorry.
I'm out of sync, but I know I haven't lost it. I can feel it, brushing against my fingertips.
And right now, in this tiny instant, I know who I am.
I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm still here, and I haven't forgotten.
I couldn't ever forget this.


“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
Still not sure why I'm having trouble with that, unless I'm simply trying too hard.


...I feel like the universe just hugged me. Huh.
Guess that's a perfect time to sign off for tonight.