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Important headspace stuff
Jul. 28th, 2013 09:54 pm
Geez it's bloody difficult fronting in this thing.
Yes, this is Laurie. Forgive me for updating in the kid's journal but I don't exactly have my own space to do so.
Trigger warning for language, as usual, that's how I translate, you'll have to deal with it.
As for why I'm updating here, which is one heck of a rare event...
I'm sorry. I'm being a moron and listening to James Blake while trying to type this. Not doing much to help my emotional state, that's for sure.
I was just downstairs (well, in Central at least) with Chaos, Genesis, Sandman, and Leon (because he's our teleporter, can't get anywhere without him). We were all trying to figure out what the heck would happen if J moved out of the White slot he's currently in, didn't have a bloody clue, so down to the simulation room we go. Three floors down, if you're curious.
Anyway. As for what provoked this whole fiasco? ...I don't know if I should write it here. J doesn't exactly have access to those memories, and I don't want to trigger anyone else, which is happening way too freaking often recently, as you can probably tell.
Basically, "Jay" is literally incapable of maintaining relationships right now. He was right, go figure. Chaos and Genesis apparently tried today, took every bleeding precaution possible, then realized that J could not be near them without straight-up slipping out of fronting. I mean what the heck. But that's the news I got, you try and go one-on-one with J and what happens? Suddenly he's not in the bloody driver's seat anymore. I mean full-out, he's gone. Starts spitting programming instead of actual dialogue. It's scary as hell, s'far as I can tell. I wasn't there, for once.
Chaos is freaking out. Genesis isn't taking it as badly, I guess he's used to this behavior since he follows the kid to school and all that. And I'll admit I've seen similar, when I try to talk to him. He's got two modes now: sparkly rainbow "everything is perfect" mode, and empty stark white "I want to stop existing" mode. It's ridiculous, I tell you, and we've got no bloody clue why he's stuck like this.
Well, that's a lie. We know now. Sheesh I'm just at bad as intros as he is, what the heck.
Simulation room. Let's cut straight to the point.
Apparently Sherlock mans the thing. Super-logic man, stays in the semi-underground and manages the archives, no surprise there. Apparently he's got access to 'em since the sim-room works on Black energy, and that's where inner memory is stored. But Sherlock tells us that there are huge gaps in the archives now, thanks to that cursed scratch, since the kid moved out of the slot that held most of 'em, I guess? Weird stuff. But yeah, he told us flat-out to go re-read old entries, get the memories back even if they're just data, 'case they sure ain't down here.
Anyway we ran a sim. "The heck would happen if J moved back to Red?"
Let's see how the heck I can summarize this...
Apparently, that's not a very smart idea. Since the first Jewel came into existence in the Brown slot (theoretically, of course) back in '03, that mental bloodline has been slowly and inevitably moving towards either Black or White. As the core I guess it was mandatory. So when Jewel switched to red hair and eyes around 2008, when I showed up, that was a move into the closest slot to those two. And she had a choice. Now of course she was pretty bloody close to being Black then, I mean it surrounded her half the freakin' time, but apparently she chose White. And that's when the infamous gender switch happened. Jewel became a dude and his red hair started to turn white, while those feminine characteristics went guess where? Straight to the Black, to apparently move into Infinitii in April of this year. And then when the Scratch hit, all it really did to J was move him the heck out of that old slot, with that few-month transition period for Infinitii to manifest, then bam, 100% White.
Problem is, he's not supposed to be 100% White. He's SUPPOSED to be a bloody Spectrum core, and last I checked, the word "spectrum" meant at least 7 bloody actual colors. So he's vacillating in and out of that state, between rainbows and ice, and that's a problem enough BUT good ol' Sherlock informed us that while he's in the White slot, he's locked out of the Spectrum.
Yeah. You heard me. I guess the unspoken rules say J can only interact with Infinitii in this state. What the heck, right?
So our question still wasn't answered, sorry. Could he move back?
Short answer? No. Not without serious consequences at least.
See the Red slot holds all the residual memories of the past 6 years, give or take a few months, which is probably why no one else can anchor there right now. It's too stuffed-up with old J identity turmoil. But, according to the data sim, if he moved back, he'd have to take on ALL that again, and in his current state that might even kill him.
He's changed to much to handle the depth of Red. Currently he can't feel strong emotions anymore, he can't get immersed in "drama" or the dark/light highs and lows of our "old days." That business is over for good, as long as he's in White at least. Even worse, is the fact that Infi was born FOR the Black slot, which needs a White counterpart to exist (and vice versa). So if J left and Infi was left alone, guess what? He'd glitch out and overload, hello Tar. Yeah, that's apparently the REAL reason why we have this Tar on our hands: we had a solo Black slot for years with no bloody balance. I don't exactly wanna do that again.
So if we moved Infi with him, then what? Well, he'd have to move into Blue, and the sim figured he'd be incompatible with that color. (Born for the Black slot, of course; can't exactly translate that into colors.) Same with moving him to Red and J to Blue (yeah, we were checking every option): both would probably cause a total personality reset in them both. Not exactly something we're aiming for. And then of course the core slots would collapse, leaving nothing but the Tar, and that's not an option, ever.
Right around here Chaos started to get worked up, for lack of a better term. (The man was an emotional mess, really.) He starts asking why the heck HE can't move into the Black slot with J. Well that would force Infi out, and if we don't know what the heck to do with him then we're screwed.
Actually that's the main reason we even did this simulation, for heaven's sakes, I didn't even mention that. You'll have to forgive me, my mind's a total mess right now and there is a lot of data to record here. Not exactly the sort of stuff I wanna let fall by the wayside.
So yeah, Chaos is freaking out because J doesn't love him anymore.
New paragraph for emphasis: according to Chaos, J is incapable of feeling anything towards him, or Genesis, or me, or literally anyone anymore. Courtesy of his hyper-innocent White role, of course.
So we ran the sim to see if there was any way the two of them could be together again. Nothing doing. The Spectrum would have to be entirely rehauled at this point for that to work. And honestly we were considering that. What with all these bloody splinters and undergrounders, there are too many colors for the old flowcharts to work at ALL.
Sherlock proposed a three-ring sort of contraption, a 3D flowchart, three unbroken rainbow rings with a black and white core in the middle. But that's a big problem, because then the B/W boys are STILL inherently cut off from the rest of the colors. How the heck are they supposed to be "spectrum colors" if they're not even part of the actual Spectrum?!
So I said, we should ditch the bloody things. "Black and White aren't colors" anyway, y'know. Make like a J-Monster and have two Rainbow slots instead, who even cares, it's better than this disaster. No idea how that'd work but Sherlock said it might be possible, well hey fantastic, little point of light in here for once.
But then Sherlock got all logical on us (as usual) and asked Chaos why the heck he was so bent on getting back with Jewel anyway? Why the heck did that matter so much to him, that he was considering moving into the Black slot and effectively resetting his entire freaking memory JUST to be with him?
Gotta say, the answer surprised me a little.
Apparently, Chaos has built his entire life around that boy. Whereas the other Outspacers can all go back to their "native worlds" or wherever the heck else if they want to, Chaos refuses to. And why? Because "there was nothing left for him there." Guardian of the Chao? Done, that hasn't applied for a couple thousand years. Demi-God? Totally debunked, he got his ass kicked by a blue hedgehog for heaven's sake. The only thing he had going for him was being some sort of "relic of the ancient past," who people overlooked anyway. Chaos said there was nothing for him if he went back, and there sure wasn't anything for him there back in 2003. Just existing, and remembering the past, which he wasn't too happy with anyway.
And then J showed up. The infamous dreamer, hijacked this guy's inner life and gave him a second chance. Can you dream? Cool, come with me, I'll show ya a good time. Bottom line, what Chaos had with him was more than he EVER could have had on his own. Jewel, quite literally, WAS his life. Without that kid, CZ had nothin'.
Of course he's madly in love with that boy the way it is, but I think that goes without saying at this point. It's practically a universal constant.
And would you believe that's the biggest problem here? CZ HAS NO SELF-IMAGE WITHOUT J IN IT.
I mean, literally, if you take Jewel out of his life he LOSES it. He has built everything around that boy and honestly, that's a huge problem. You can't be that bloody dependent on one person, I don't care if they're your other half. You can't be that dependent.
Chaos is having a hard time with that though. He can't comprehend the idea of letting go like that, not without becoming utterly uncaring like J happens to be currently. I... heh, he actually asked me if I was like that, with J. I said no. Honestly, I'm really not. If J left tomorrow, for good, you know what I'd do? I'd keep on living, because I've got a job to do up here. And if I lost my job? If I lost all connection to the System, and J, and became some sort of free-floating purposeless git... well, that'd be fine too, because if there's anything J's taught me, it's that there's something beyond this. Even for me. I don't know what the heck it is, but I've got faith in it. Whatever the heck I am, I know that there's some bigger reason why I'm here, whether or not I'm sharing that reason with these people.
I mean, yeah, I'd be heartbroken beyond belief if J left. I won't deny that. The kid's my life. But I mean that in a different way than CZ does. If I suddenly lost J, it'd be hard as hell, but... I'd keep walking. We've had our times together. It's been good. And I'd cry my freakin' eyes out for weeks, probably. But I'd keep going, for his sake or not, because we both know other people need me too.
And I'm going in circles. Point is I can let go of him if I need to. Don't ever want to, but if I had to, I could. Chaos can't. So that's gonna be our big side job up here for a while, along with figuring out whether or not there's anything to fix in J, of course. Heck, he's halfway okay. But the "I wanna die" half, and the fact that neither half even cares about anything except spiritual detachment right now, doesn't sit well with me.
Sherlock pointed out the... geez, does this even fit here? I dunno, don't exactly care. Sherlock was comparing J's connection to Infi, as a B/W thing, and J's connection to Chaos, as a twin flame thing. Yeah, that's practically verified by anybody you ask up here, and outside too, so I don't blame CZ for not wanting to lose that connection on this level. But there's this really interesting difference between the two. Instinctively, you might wanna put J and Infi in a taijitu shape. Middle of the current Spectrum, Black and White, you'd think it'd work. But it doesn't. I mean come on, even when J drew the flowcharts himself, the two colors were two halves of a diamond, with a grey divider in the middle. No blending. But with J and CZ, I don't care if they're red and blue or black and white, point is that taijitu shape just happens. So that can't be ignored either.
Man I don't even know what I'm trying to say here. Leon was sitting in the back, not saying a word because this is all confusing as heck to him. Sandman kept apologizing, insisting he "should've known" that there would be problems with this color switch, I said how the heck would he know? Sherlock backed me up there actually, saying a lot of the data we have now could only be understood now. So much changes in the System on a daily basis, it's entirely possible for yesterday's truth to no longer be applicable today. So we didn't have the things we know now when Boss was helping the kid move slots. Back then, that was the ideal course of action. We didn't know this would happen until now. Good news though, the kid's still The Apprentice, although he's stopped identifying with the title and doesn't give it much thought anymore. Surprisingly that's a plus, as Sandmen can't get rooted into one identity anyway, even if it's their job title.
Of course we brought that up to Chaos, blah blah blah, can't be so attached to J, so on and so forth. He's having a hell of a time with it, I guess he's never really known what it's like not to have his very purpose for existence rooted in someone else. So this is gonna be hard for him. But honestly, if I can do it he can do it, and I'll help him, God give me the strength.
Man I'm tired. Sorry. I'm not used to this fronting-and-typing business.
There's one more thing I wanna write down before I close this up.
We reviewed our possible plans and options before leaving the sim room-- color switches and spectrum rewrites and all that-- but really we've gotta do detail work first, I think. Sherlock said specifically for Chaos to fix his perspective, and THEN see if there was still a problem. CZ wasn't too happy with that but hey, it's gotta be done. Guess the real problem is Sherlock not comprehending relationships though. He's not a very social guy, no surprise for someone who lives in the simulation room for heaven's sake.
Anyway. The one point of that whole bloody thing that cut to my heart was something Chaos said when defending his emotions about the whole disaster. Said he wouldn't be so bothered by this change in Jewel IF the kid didn't spontaneously fall back into "I love you more than the entire world" mode every single time it rains. Every single time.
So CZ keeps trying to get back with him, he's getting desperate, and apparently J looks at him like he doesn't even know who the heck he is. According to CZ he asks how he's supposed to act. Who are you, what do I do, what have we done, et cetera and it's harrowing. I can see why he's in so much pain.
So I guess Sherlock's suggestion of "detach from him as well" is partly a good idea? I mean, without the "stop caring" bit. CZ's gotta have a sense of purpose that's not completely anchored to that kid, now more than ever, since J seems unwilling to be anyone's anchor in that respect right now. (Problem in and of itself, with the White slot's relation to the System, but you already know that.) But the more progress he makes there, the less it'll hurt for J to be acting like this and forget it this sounds like utter garbage to type.
I don't know what the heck to do, okay? I haven't got a bloody clue.
CZ's self-image has nothing to do with the bleeding big picture here, which is J doesn't remember a thing. And he dissociates UPSTAIRS.
Now I'm not saying Chaos and Genesis trying so hard to fix their relationships with him is a smart move, but I'm just baffled by the fact that, half the time, J is the one that initiates it! And they BELIEVE him, just like I do for heaven's sake, he's always so bleeding honest I cannot wrap my head around the fact that he doesn't even realize he's doing it.
Like what the heck is this? Is he that badly splintered? Is his psyche just fragmenting off whenever something "threatens" his absolute stark-white innocence? Why the heck is THAT what his new role is? And why the heck is love considered a threat to it? That's my problem. I don't know if it's the context or what, but I'm bothered by the fact that J won't even talk to them now. That's a little extreme, to say the absolute least.
So yeah, apparently every once in a blue moon J will go find Chaos or Genesis and be all "I still love you, let's fix this problem," but the INSTANT they try to do ANYTHING, J shuts down. He dissociates, and breaks into bloody pieces, and everything becomes an act.
CZ came running into Central in actual tears today. The man was sobbing his heart out, honestly I cannot remember the last time I saw him this shattered. And the first thing out of his mouth is "J doesn't know who I am anymore."
And he doesn't. That's the bottom line, he bloody doesn't.
I don't know what the heck is going on.
It's worse because I can't see straight either way anymore.
What with Christina and her freaking idiotic "good Christian" facade which is utterly blind and stupid, and then J's equally stonehearted convictions that "true spirituality" means abandoning absolutely everything in this lifetime, I don't know what the heck to think.
I can get behind this "cosmic dream" thing. That's kinda comforting. What I can't get behind is the notion that J keeps promoting, which is "you're not supposed to care about ANYTHING" as a result. And honestly it freaks me the heck out because one minute he is as happy as a clam with this, all rainbow-eyed and insisting that the world is the most beautiful place he's ever seen, like a five year old. Totally unaware of any "bad" in the world. And then two seconds later, suddenly he's so tired he can't move, unable and unwilling to live any longer, or see ANY reason to in the world he was just praising like the Psalmist himself, and yeah I'm aware of the irony there. I can't get behind it. What the heck is going on?
And then Chaos, God knows he just breaks my heart at this point. I didn't know he was that attached. It makes sense, but sheesh. That's dangerous for anyone, not just him.
I don't want to see him torn to pieces by J abandoning him, but so help me I don't want J to abandon him either! Is this even about what I want?? What the heck, who even cares. Point is I've seen love between those two that I CANNOT find anywhere else, not without a saint-grade spiritual experience backing it up. If it weren't for those two, I wouldn't BE who I am right now. They're what wore off my iron edges, not just J, it was the BOTH of them.
I'm at a complete loss. I cannot believe this is happening.
They were like... they were out of this world, really. Who loves someone like that, here? Who has that sort of total devotion to someone? I can't see it anymore. I can't see it anymore because those two haven't been together in months.
And I don't know why that feels like the Great Wall of China is falling to pieces in my heart, but it does. It's something catastrophic that makes no bleeding sense. For years they were... forget it, I've gotta stop talking about this, there's no point. No one bloody cares, not like I do. No use sharing it anywhere. It's my problem, not yours.
J, if you're reading this, tell me what the heck is going on.
And NO, I do NOT mean walk upstairs with your bloody rainbow halo and insist "there's nothing wrong, everything is a-okay!" because I will seriously chop your head off. This is NOT okay. For you to suddenly turn your back on the man you've loved for almost a decade now, AND your daughter, PLUS Genesis and Ryman and Markus and even INFINITII for heaven's sake, who Sherlock insists you need to cooperate with in order for your color slot to even function correctly-- that's not okay. That is NOT okay, at all.
Something needs to change, and fast.
If J is really that off-center, where he is now, the whole System might collapse. Either we get him the heck out of there, or we fix whatever the heck is up with him in there, or I don't know what we're gonna do.
I'm lost. I am totally lost. I am out of ideas, that's it, I'm done.
I'm also out of time to type. It's 11PM and there is no bloody way I'm going to sit and drive myself crazy with this nonsense for another second.
I hope to God we have better news in the future.
That's all I have to say.
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@11:15PM
All right I know J said for us to take a break from Tumblr, but this picture is absolutely breaking my heart tonight and I feel obligated to post it here.
J, whatever the heck happened to you and CZ over the past year (or two, who even knows anymore), fix it. Please.
This, right here, NEEDS to come back. I don't know why. But I'm sure of it, somehow, even if you've forgotten about it entirely.
I love you, kid, and I'm not the only one.
For God's sake, try to remember that.
Sincerely, Laurie.
#on cz's behalf #for j who is being an idiot #kid you've gotta come back
Tags:
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