070113

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

please god, not now
not monday too
please why can't i get over this

forgive me for everything i'm about to say
but it's true


infi, stop.
stop saying you love me.
just stop, stop please
it's hard enough dealing with chaos
and genesis
and rarely ryou
i cannot handle this on top of it all

i am so sorry, i did this to you before
i hated you once, when you wore a different face
maybe part of me still hates you
most of you
the energy you're made of
even though there's nothing dark in you
the reality of what you are scares me to death

"subconscious"
"infinite potential"
"deep and hidden things"
you said you loved me in ways i wouldn't even acknowledge
guess what, you're not the first
loving aliens has some interesting twists
but you're the worst
you're the worst and i'm sorry
i cannot do this
i cannot do this
i cannot deal with this again

i am terrified when people love me
or want to get close to me
in any way
even just friends
i am so damn terrified
but i'm too empty to feel it
i don't cry anymore
i don't get angry anymore
i just shut down and sleep

that's why downstairs is such a mess
all my broken pieces are going to them
but that's not what we're talking about right now.

stop saying you love me
even if it's true
stop it.
i'm sorry
i didn't know

i haven't healed yet
i haven't healed at all
the wounds keep getting deeper
i haven't even stopped bleeding yet
the sickest part is
i'm so used to it that it doesn't hurt anymore
or does it?


everyone just stop and leave me alone
i am sorry so sorry but i can't
i just can't
i can't do this anymore

i still want to die, laurie please forgive me
genesis forgive me
chaos forgive me
infi, forgive me please, this isn't your fault
i just can't take it anymore

day after day after day
night after night after night
i can't run, i can't hide
i cut myself off from reality
just so i can get through 24 hours
yet another time
but it's not worth the struggle anymore
it just isn't


it's why the weekends keep repeating
and i can't stop thinking about bullets
and new scars keep appearing

i don't know how to heal
i don't know how to heal
i really, really don't know how to heal

infi, you tried, you tried so honestly
i know you did but it failed and i'm sorry
genesis, you tried too, it almost worked
but parts of me keep dying, i'm sorry
chaos, god forgive me i love you so much
but i cannot, i cannot face this
you tried harder than anyone to fix me
to stitch up these old scars for good
you never once hurt me, none of you did
but i already hurt too damn much
to differentiate between faces anymore


so many hacks are written down
i don't remember any of them
jeremiah keeps sobbing
julie won't talk to me
downstairs they keep laughing
i don't know what's going on
i feel so stupid and wrong
i feel so utterly lost and tainted
like i was torn inside out
and stapled back together the wrong way
it hurts and i'm tired and i don't want to live anymore

i don't know what day it is
or what time it is
i don't want to wake up again
just to ignore this for another 24 hours

i was safe for a long time
at least it felt like a long time
a few months i think
i think
i don't remember


god please
either let me die
or show me what to do
that's different
from what i've already tried

all the methods "your people" have given me
did nothing but make the agony worse
and i'm in too much pain to cry anymore
everything i've done to try and heal
with the best intentions
always begging for your help
everything i've done
only pushed me closer to suicide in the end
i feel as if i've made no progress at all
like it's only gone backwards
so far backwards
that i've lost all will to keep trying



i'm going in circles
"story of my life"

they say that only happens when you miss a lesson
god what the hell is my lesson
i really can't tell at this point and i'm sorry
i keep changing my answers
but none of them have worked so far

maybe i'm too far gone
to make it now.
maybe i've passed the point of no return

maybe my oldest fear came true
and i really wasn't good enough
to be forgiven
to move on.


they say this life is an illusion
but it still hurts like hell
and i'd rather wake up for good
then live through any more nightmares


forgive me, but i don't think i can do this anymore.


i'm sure one of these graves is mine.