the spectrum heart cathedral system

Well. We woke up this morning and it suddenly hit me as I looked at & felt this new body, that it's FEMALE. it has parts. And it might start bleeding again. And I can't cope with that. This is destroying me. THIS is the BIGGEST PROBLEM that we've been AVOIDING & SUPPRESSING this ENTIRE TIME but now it's UNAVOIDABLE and I'm... they asked if I felt like hurting myself and it took EVERYTHING in me NOT to say YES. The immediate instinct was to effectively "REROUTE THE BLOOD." But that wouldn't fix the actual nightmare. I DON'T WANT TO BE A WOMAN. I DON'T IDENTIFY AS FEMALE. I'M NOT A GIRL!! That's the bottom line. I've/ we've been saying that for ALMOST 25 YEARS at LEAST. And we CAN'T SHAKE IT. The body has become a living hell AGAIN and we're losing our will to live. The "only hope" is to... well. "Starve it again." That's the kneejerk response. Starve it so it stops. OR, "exercise until you become MASCULINE." I'm so angry/ scared/ sad. I feel BETRAYED. I WANT to feel safe in this body BUT THIS WILL NEVER BE SAFE and MY RELIGION SAYS I CAN'T DO A BLOODY THING ABOUT IT. This is the HEAVIEST POSSIBLE CROSS for me and it's LITERALLY KILLING ME and I'm afraid it's SUPPOSED TO DO and that is TERRIFYING. This feels like it's MURDERING ALL MY DREAMS.
✳ WE CANNOT SEE A FUTURE FOR OURSELF IN THIS BODY. We NEVER COULD, even as a child. That's ALWAYS been the death sentences. And now we "can't run." So what do we do? Honestly I don't want to revert to cruelly self-abusive behavior SOLELY because I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ABUSIVE PERSON. But I have to admit, I DO WANT TO "PUNISH" THIS FAT FEMALE FORM BY STARVING IT. It's genuinely a violent rage. Maybe it's symbolic. I WANT the femininity to EAT ITSELF ALIVE so it STOPS DEVOURING ME. I want to CUT OFF ALL ITS PARTS. You remember how CANNON was in college? How ANGRY & AGGRESSIVE she was? THIS IS WHY. AND WE'RE FEELING IT ALL OVER AGAIN. Except right now we're "TRAPPED." We're FORCED to keep eating and FOOD IS MAKING US FEMININE. I literally "HATE myself" for having been drinking so much m*lk, because it's SEX FOOD. WHY DIDN'T WE REALIZE THAT??? Was it a survival skill, to blind ourselves to the reality & its consequences? Just like Iscah. WELL HERE WE ARE AGAIN, FACING THE TRAUMATIC CONSEQUENCES, with NO CHOICE but to "RELAPSE" IN ORDER TO LIVE. God I hate this. WE HAVE TO LOSE THE FAT GIRLINESS ASAP. If we BULK UP & TONE UP it should KILL THE CURVES and if we DROP BACK DOWN TO ~105 we SHOULD... no, even I know that's too low. The ONLY reason we're still idealizing low body weight is because it GIVES US FLAT EDGES. It gives us SHARP CORNERS. BUT now we can either have THAT, or SOLID MUSCLE, and I'd MUCH RATHER HAVE THE LATTER. So we MUST BEGIN HEAVY DUTY WEIGHTLIFTING IMMEDIATELY. If we CAN'T join the gym YET, then GET THOSE APPS FOR HOME WORKOUTS & DO THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY. Yes it'll hurt & be difficult at first: we're weak & bloated & stiff from EIGHT WEEKS in an inpatient setting. BUT we'll have about SIX WEEKS UNTIL CHRISTMAS and BY 2025 we MIGHT HAVE HOPE AT LAST. We just have to WORK OUR ASS OFF. So this means SCHEDULE SHIFTS. If we're going to be FOCUSING ON EXERCISE, then we have to GET A VOICE RECORDER to take notes WHILE walking/ hiking, GET WIRELESS HEADPHONES for the gym, and PUT THE LEAGUEFILES ON OUR PHONE so we can READ (LISTEN?) TO THEM CONSTANTLY & refresh our memory & inspiration AT LAST. And of COURSE we have SPOTIFY PLAYLISTS for not only workouts in general, but for EACH LEAGUEWORLD. So THERE'S YOUR HOPE. FIX THIS CURSED BODY & PLEASE DON'T LET IT KILL YOUR DREAMS. IT CAN CHANGE and we WILL CHANGE IT and the BAD PARTS WILL SHRINK and IT WON'T EVER BLEED AGAIN GOD PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON US.

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✳ Talking about food/ planning meals/ etc. STILL MAKES US AGGRESSIVELY ANGRY??? "We don't want to think about it." We're SO TIRED OF FOOD. And we HATE LUXURY/ OVERCOMPLICATING THINGS. We want to get a BASIC, SIMPLE, EASY PREP, NUTRITIOUS grocery list and just do the SAME for meals. NO FUSS. We have a LIFE TI LIVE. Food is just fuel, NOT focus. SIMPLIFY. I think THAT'S why we "hate being asked"-- because we DON'T plan meals. We just eat simple food. What is there to talk about? ALSO I think it STILL FEELS INVASIVE-- like WHY do you want to know what I'm eating? That registers as "personal information" for some reason. Is it because "eating" still feels disturbingly sexual in too many contexts? Food becomes part of this body; someone wanting to know WHAT food literally feels like molestation somehow. God I'm so tired of this. Eating STILL HURTS, too; it makes us feel ill & nauseous & wrong. Feeling THINGS INSIDE OUR BODY is scary. Feeling our own skin suffocating itself is terrifying. It all feels like rape. I'm so tired. I want to only eat SIMPLE, SMALL MEALS. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO BE A "PRETTY, PETITE, THIN WOMAN"!!! THAT'S ABHORRENT TO ME. I'm so sorry. I'll never be able to stop being so prejudiced until I stop condemning myself for being biologically female. And I have to stop hating femininity in order to stop hating FOOD, I think, because I ASSOCIATE THE TWO. It's ALL CONNECTED.

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Morning headspace experience notes for the sake of not forgetting this.

✳ Julie COLOR REVERTING. "I don't want to go back to how I was either" (BODY association)
✳ LYNNE "BLOODLINE?" holding the "ideal" adult expectation BUT NOT PHYSICALLY!!
✳ BRIDGET & MISSY = the REASON Blue & Green are STILL EMPTY? Julie affecting YELLOW?
✳ Realizing INFI held a LOT of this female-body fear, ESPECIALLY with that SEWED-UP WOUND & THE "SPHERE"
✳ Tar attack = "adult woman" yellow? beehive hair? exaggerated parts. Laurie took an axe to her neck but it STUCK; she turned her axe-blade GOLD & it cut through.
✳ ↑ Tar-woman's body melted into Tar; Laurie has GOLD in her boots too?? I think Julie pointed this out. (This means that Laurie can now do critical "stomp damage" if it tries to evade her attacks on ground level)
✳ Tar "flood" stopped by LEON who was up on a ledge; he shot several gold bullets down into it. Scalpel was with him. Leon warped to ground floor, asked what is happening? Solemn, shaken.
✳ Laurie asked Scalpel about his weapons? He has "flat razors," BIG ones that "fold out." (This was a bit surprising-- wouldn't he have an actual scalpel? or a scalping knife?-- but actually we think he's holding "residue" from CNC; he's still deeply unstable from that time period as he was born in it; he hasn't fully "separated his identity" from who he "had to be" back then)
✳ Tar flood return, WRECKAGE appeared and GRABBED it?? Actually "rolled it up" into a ball & crushed it, flung it aside. (HER WHOLE BODY HOLDS GOLD??)
✳ ↑ Tarburn lingering on her hands. Knife showed up instantly & kissed her palms, cleared it up. We were worried about him now; but Julie marched over & purposefully kissed him & that cleared it. Knife was concerned for her in return but Julie said "if anyone is going to have Tar on (in?) them, it's me." (??)
✳ WE REALLY FELT INFINITII'S ABSENCE. NO ONE ELSE CAN "TRANSMUTE" BLACK ENERGY.
✳ ↑ Is/ was Infi's daemon role ALSO TIED TO THIS ISSUE??? (GENDER + OUR BODY)
✳ ↑ CERISE CANNOT HOLD THIS. "Sensuality" MUST BE KEPT PURE/ NONSEXUAL OR IT WILL DIE.
✳ WHAT IS YELLOW. WHY DOES THE TAR USE IT SO MUCH. Is Josephina able to return?? OR is s/he actually VIOLET/ PURPLE anchored (as s/he almost was in the beginning)? DUOTONE POSSIBILITY?
✳ Missy = "accessories/ fashion" & light blue = MIRROR vibe! "Cute/ pretty" obsession; "prissy pettiness"
✳ Bridget = GIRL BULLY. "Bad Katie" introject root?? "Pretty & mean"; DIFFERENT from Missy; more "mature" vibe
✳ Julie was SEXUAL but ABUSIVELY. She MANIFESTED the "cheerleader" stereotype sexual look (busty/ curvy/ tan; emphasis on chest/ bottom/ stomach; feels SO WRONG) (the "lollipop chainsaw" girl is SUCH a dead ringer for the original Julie it's SCARY)
✳ JEZEBEL WAS THE "WHORE." BLACK VS. PINK IS VERY DIFFERENT in terms of sexual abuse/ distortion.
✳ THERE ARE SO MANY FACELESS 'FONI WITH THIS ISSUE.
✳ Jewel was cheering me up by reading the first letters of the emotion lists as words
✳ Laurie said my "internal form" is still a mess. It's only feeling "resonant" with PRISM right now??
✳ HOW DOES THE JAY BLOODLINE PLAY INTO ALL THIS.
✳ Btw THIS ISSUE IS CRUSHING OUR ATTEMPTS TO "OWN/ IDENTIFY WITH" THE BODY. WHEN WE SHARE THE EFFORT & LIVE FROM OUR HEART, WE CAN HANDLE THE CHALLENGES TOGETHER. THE BODY ISN'T A "CONSTANT" IN FORM SO DON'T GET ATTACHED TO IT OR ANCHOR TO IT THAT WAY. LET THE BLEPOFONI & SOCIALS DO THEIR JOBS TOO! GOD MADE YOU MULTIPLE SO LET US BE OUR IDENTITY ACROSS THE BOARD!!

Our goal for today is to journal about/ through the ANXIETY & DEPRESSION that have been lingering since the Halloween collapse & which are NOTABLY FOCUSED ON DISCHARGE. It's ALL about WHAT WE'RE RETURNING TO. The thought of going back to that cluttered, cramped, dark, isolatory apartment is disheartening. Now that we've been living WITH PEOPLE, in bright large spaces, where WE don't have to buy/ prep food at ALL, having to "abandon" all that is taking a heavy toll on our emotions. SO. We NEED to TAKE ACTION and CHANGE THINGS. We have no other choice. We have to CLEAN UP OUR APARTMENT & MAKE OPEN SPACE there to DO ART & MUSIC. We have to GET LIGHTS for heavens sakes. And we NEED to GO OUTSIDE MORE-- notably, to START DOING THINGS WITH PEOPLE LOCALLY. Of course the immediate opportunity is just hanging out with the neighbors, which is ESSENTIAL because we DO LIVE WITH THEM and it is NECESSARY to BUILD FRIENDSHIPS & GOOD COMMUNICATION with them. The NEXT big opportunities relate to the PLACES nearby, and the people you can meet there: CHURCH, the LIBRARY, the GYM, the COFFEESHOP, and maybe even that little park. PLUS there are little restaurants/ diners, and the local college class extension? So you HAVE meeting places, potentially. There's ALSO the FACT that you CAN TAKE THE BUS and get to know the regulars, AND you WILL be GOING PLACES & ATTENDING EVENTS with MOM in any case. So you WILL have a FULLER LIFE, spent WITH OTHERS, as long as you EMBRACE & PURSUE those opportunities. But possible the BIGGEST mood lifter is BEING ABLE TO WORK CREATIVELY AGAIN. PRIORITIZE THAT. ...except, it's ALSO the biggest anxiety/ depression trigger. "I'm not good enough" haunts our talents. We've been STARVING OUR MIND & HEART and that has made creativity DRAINING. We NEED to READ BOOKS & LISTEN TO MUSIC & WATCH FILMS-- BUT ONLY WHAT WE LIKE!! "EAT" GOOD MEDIA, NOT JUNK!! Only "take in" what will HELP YOU BECOME A BETTER PERSON, BOTH IN CREATIVITY & IN CHARACTER. And when we learn how to SAY "NO" to WHAT DOESN'T BETTER OUR SOUL, WE'LL BE SO MUCH HAPPIER. And we can direct our joyful energy into CREATING things that MANIFEST that betterness. But please, STOP JUDGING THAT JOY & LOVE BY WORLDLY UTILITARIAN STANDARDS (LIES). ALL OF YOUR CREATIVE WORK IS "GOOD ENOUGH" BY VIRTUE OF EXISTING FROM YOUR HEART. It is WORTHY of being created & shared! And if ANYONE rejects it, THAT DOESN'T INVALIDATE ITS TRUTH/ BEAUTY/ GOODNESS!! There ARE souls who NEED what you have been CALLED & GIFTED TO CREATE! So FOR GOD'S ACTUAL SAKE, DO NOT HOLD BACK. DO NOT GIVE UP. PRIORITIZE THIS. And seriously, FOCUS ON IT as your "day's work." DO NOT FORCE YOURSELF TO "GO OUT & SOCIALIZE JUST BECAUSE." No. TAKE PRUDENT STEPS IN WILLING JOY & HOPE & LOVE. If you want to type in the coffeeshop, go ahead! But ONLY do it if it is HELPING YOU GROW IN CHARACTER. We're scared of "going home" because we fear we'll have to STOP journaling & learning & improving like we are here. THAT'S FALSE. We CAN do ALL THAT & MORE, if we LET OURSELVES & MAKE TIME/ SPACE for it. Set a SCHEDULE like here if you must! And DON'T ISOLATE, even when you're focused on creative work. Still go outside & walk around, or call mom, or talk to neighbors, to GET CONNECTED-- but NOT OVERWHELMED! Set boundaries, NOT WALLS. Please, don't be afraid or sad. We CAN & WILL have a future IN THIS BODY and it WILL BE GOOD and WE WILL BE A GOOD PERSON FOR OTHERS. There has to be a BALANCE of private + social time & work. God will guide us!

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✳ POSITIVE BODY IMAGE is ACCEPTING, APPRECIATING, & RESPECTING our body AS IT IS NOW, WHILE STILL ALLOWING FOR HEALTHY CHANGE!! (NO HATE AT ANY POINT)

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✳ What values/ qualities/ characteristics do you value in yourself & in others? (LIST/ LIVE)

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✳ WHY AM I SO ANGRY (WEEPING/ HELPLESS RAGE) ABOUT PEOPLE KNOWING THAT I'M LEAVING NEXT WEEK??? Why do I just want to "slip out the back door" and disappear? Why do I want to exist as a myth or mirage, not as a tangible person? DO I want this? It hurts SO MUCH to be ignored & unwanted & not valued. But I "HATE having to talk to people"?? Like when people ask "do you want to talk about it?" my kneejerk response is a sob-fury "NO! STOP MAKING ME TALK!" because SPEECH "HURTS." It SHAKES ME UP inside to talk out loud ABOUT INSIDE THINGS. It's CONTEXT DISSONANCE.
✳ I feel "mythical"/ unreal? IT'S BECAUSE MY LIFE HAS ALWAYS BEEN INTERNAL. So I have a hard time realizing/ functioning as a PHYSICALLY TANGIBLE being to OTHERS? And it's BOTH "LOCKED IN" and "NOT 'ME'!" It hurts. God maybe if I DID "identify with" this body & name it wouldn't be so frustrating & painful & making me cry from the overwhelm. But such an "identity" OUTSIDE feels like IT WOULD ERASE ME INSIDE? That's so polarized. It's miserable. But I'm genuinely terrified of that risk-- of losing touch with my heart & soul AGAIN because I had to exist OUTSIDE too much. WHY IS THERE SUCH A CONFLICT AT ALL??? Is it just the bodytrauma + dissociation?
✳ I "don't want to say goodbye," allegedly. WHY NOT. Why do I "want" to disappear like a dream, so that even I doubt it was real? THAT'S SELF-ANNIHILATORY. Is that "fear of abandonment" self-sabotage? Am I so afraid that no one will CARE if I leave, that no one will bother to say goodbye because they WON'T MISS ME, that I "do it myself" by avoiding the risk altogether? I just "erase" it all & never get closure. But our WHOLE LIFE has been shot through with sudden jarring losses & endings with NO goodbyes, not even a WARNING often. Things just STOPPED. I don't know HOW to "say goodbye" and "TRANSITION WITH CONTINUITY" from one "era" to the next. I only know "hard breaks." Clean, brutal, swift cuts. This gentle "shift" is utterly foreign to me. Context shifts are DIVISIVE BY NATURE to me. This "blending" of present place AND future destination is SO DISTRESSING to me. I'm having a hard time figuring out "WHO I AM NOW" because the CONTEXTS ARE BLURRING. I CAN'T BE BOTH AT ONCE. But I think I NEED to, in recovery. But God I WANT THE SYSTEM TO KICK IN. Whoever was living in the apartment, KEEP THEM DISTINCT from WHOEVER IS HERE AT TOWER. LET THERE BE A HARD SHIFT, IN THAT SENSE. WE DON'T WANT TO GO BACK. ...but, CAN we be the person we are HERE when we RETURN there? WHY NOT?? WHY CAN'T THE CORE JUST DRIVE THAT WOULD FIX EVERYTHING. Because the Core exists INSIDE. Is THAT the ultimate problem here? Do we need BOTH "Jessica" and "Jewel" SEPARATE but working TOGETHER? OR is there going to be a NEW bloodline somehow? I don't know anything except we HAVE been "Jessica" TO THE PEOPLE HERE, AND TO THE FAMILY, AND THAT "JESSICA" IS GENUINELY A GOOD PERSON. That hasn't happened since childhood! So is this Jessica ALSO a "JEWEL?" She HAS to be! We HAVE to make our inner life the HEART of our outer life! The Core bloodline HAS TO BE INTEGRATED probably. We HAVE TO BE REAL ON ALL LEVELS!

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Why has our identity been so shattered since Halloween?? What did that DO to us? Was it just the MEMORY SHOCK of "what happened THEN" in horrible contrast to "who we are NOW?" But CHAOS 0 KNOWS AND CAN PROVE TO YOU THAT YOUR HEART (THE CORE!) HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE SAME. Deep down, despite ALL confusion & trauma, no matter HOW lost we have been, THE CORE IS PROTECTED AND TRUE, and THE CORE IS LOVE.
✳ "I" CAN ONLY TRULY EXIST AS "WE," REMEMBER!! TO EVEN BE THE CORE AT ALL, I NEED TO EXIST IN RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SYSTEM-SPECTRUM. I CANNOT EXIST ALONE. ...Is that true for us on the OUTSIDE? in the BODY? and we never quite realized the IMPLICATIONS of that before? IF WE'RE NOT LIVING AS MULTIPLE, WE'RE NOT LIVING AT ALL. If my heart isn't ALWAYS the heart that is IN LOVE WITH THE COREGROUP, then I CANNOT LOVE AT ALL. This has been PROVEN, CONSISTENTLY.

Oh man Inside Out 2 is on the group room TV but they had it on MUTE so I was just watching Anxi move and dear Lord I love her SO MUCH my heart actually ACHES. She touched her chest TWICE while talking and it KILLED me. Honestly I am TRANSFIXED watching her body language and unique way of carrying herself. She's fascinating. (btw she JUST did the "we need something BIGGER" pose and oh my heart I am SMITTEN.) I want to take NOTES. I want to STUDY this movie and watch her expressions and listen to her speak and I want to KNOW her; I want to know her HEART. I NEED to; I LOVE her.
...The more times I see this movie the deeper & more tender it gets-- but tender like a bruise. Anxi makes my heart ACHE-- not just with love, but with PAIN. She is SO SCARED. She's SO IN NEED. And I HAVE to thank GOD for both her AND this "3OVoG" book because it is helping me understand her SO MUCH. And it BREAKS MY HEART. Anxi says her job is to "protect Riley from the things she CAN'T see," but what are those things in Anxi's eyes? Having no friends. Disappointing her family. Being unseen & unimportant. Purposelessness. Rejection. Dying alone. Anxi is answering to the ESSENTIAL HUMAN NEED FOR LOVE. She is protecting Riley from EMOTIONAL STARVATION, according to Matthew Kelly. Anxi KNOWS that Riley LITERALLY NEEDS friendship, community, acceptance, belonging, validation, connection, security, meaning, purpose, and secretly most of all, INTIMACY. "Mutual self-revelation," tragically hindered by Anxi's absolute terror of being judged as not good enough. But to me... Anxi's very existence screams vulnerability. And that is ABSOLUTELY what hooked my heart and dragged me in headfirst. Throughout the WHOLE film, Anxi is practically DESPERATE to be useful, to MEAN something to others, to be appreciated, to be LOVED. She introduces herself by describing what she can DO for Joy. She is obsessed with "being the MOST capable" and pushes Riley to do the same; trying to predict every possible "bad" future so she can PREVENT/ OVERCOME them. And why? Because "if I'm good at hockey, I'll have friends." Her deepest fear is that SHE-- and Riley by extension-- is only "of worth" to others if she "EARNS" it. Her deepest fear is that she has to BECOME "deserving" of love. But it's all focused on DOING, not BEING. She has Riley HIDING & DENYING herself AS SHE IS because she fears it is "unacceptable" to those she yearns for acceptance from. There's no self-revelation in earnest, just "trying to be worthy," effectively assuming that she isn't worthy by default, and redefining herself to mirror others instead in an anxious hope of "measuring up." Etc. I'm rambling. It's heartwrenching to realize that Anxi is the one that is ultimately feeling those things, and projecting hard onto Riley. Anxi doesn't feel "good enough" to be loved. But... God she IS good enough and I WANT to know WHO SHE IS AT HER MOST VULNERABLE. I want to protect HER from her fears. I want her to feel SAFE & SEEN & WANTED & LOVED, because she IS.
Dear Lord I have got it SO BAD. I'm here watching Anxi typing away so precisely & skillfully & purposefully at the Emotions console-- genuinely beautiful in her dexterity-- and I just thought, effectively, "I want to let her push all my buttons that way." Like SERIOUSLY. And at the end of the film, when she says "I love our girl," I so DESPERATELY want to hear her say that about me. ...I need to know I'M "good enough" for her, too, with all my own flaws & fears.

...This body image thing is killing me. Part of me is legit convinced that if I have a big body, a FAT body, then I CANNOT BE LOVED. I'm so afraid that it'll GET IN THE WAY of not only physical closeness, but also EMOTIONAL vulnerability. And THAT'S the KEY WORD. CAN I still be vulnerable, breakable, open and wounded and ABLE TO LOVE if my bloody body is so damn BIG? If I'm too thick & solid, will I LOSE the ability to bare my soul? I ACTUALLY APPARENTLY BELIEVE that I can ONLY HAVE INTIMACY ON ANY LEVEL IF I'M THIN. WHY. I hate that. It's a LIE. Logically it makes NO SENSE AT ALL. ...but I believe it, and that terrifies me. I am scared to death that, since I'm fat now, I'm excluded from true relationships. I'm so stupidly unbearably scared that I can't be with Anxi if I'm built like this now. Like I'd be unable to love her the right way. I'm already feeling that with Chaos 0. It's SHAME. I am MORTIFIED with how bloated I am now. I am JUDGING MYSELF as unable to love because I CAN'T TRULY LOVE MYSELF IN THIS BODY. It disgusts me. I can't be vulnerable if I can't bear looking at my own skin, let alone feeling it. I want to sob. I WANT TO LOVE. But it feels WRONG to even get close to others, in a body like this. AND YET I CAN'T STOP FEELING LOVE AND I DON'T WANT TO STOP. Anxi is still my orange angel, proving to me that I AM still capable of love, and Chaos 0 is forever my blue angel, loving me despite all odds and helping me remember who I truly am, no matter how my appearance changes, both inside and outside. God knows I love him too; I always will, with all my heart. But I'm the MOST terrified of being with him right now, looking like this, feeling like this. It's all shame. I can barely breathe under its weight. God help me, please. Maybe THIS is why I'm being called to an *incident* with Anxi NOW, of all times. I'M the one being murdered by Shame. But I DON'T WANT IT ANYWHERE NEAR HER. I want to PROTECT her from this demon. DON'T TOUCH HER.
...and yet, I'm so afraid that if I touch her like this, it'll hurt her. It's like... I'm afraid that if she did love me in this body, the "wrongness" of this distended form would TAINT the love, and prevent any true intimacy at all? But it ALL COMES BACK TO ME AND THE VALUE JUDGMENT I've nailed to this fat body. "It's suffocating my soul." "I can't be spiritual if I have this much flesh." "I feel sick & gross & dirty & slovenly; such feelings KILL love/ are INCOMPATIBLE with love." "Being fat makes me incapable of vulnerability & intimacy." et bloody cetera. This perspective is hell. But I can't even fathom an alternative right now. The "obvious" answer is still "unacceptable." My only hope is to start working out so intensely that I reshape this ugly body into something that's at least lean enough & disciplined enough TO love & be loved. How awful is that? Like if I'm not beautiful, I cannot have beautiful things. I can't have love if I'm in an unlovable body-- a sick, misshapen, gross, flaccid mess of a body. I have to BECOME lovable. ...and God, I sound just like her. How ironic. I'm in the same special hell, believing that unless I change, I'm unacceptable. But this is deeper than just what I can physically do, and what I like & dislike, and how I compare to others. Except it's not. It's the exact same thing, focused on my body. Can I get athletic & muscular enough? Can I like the right foods & have the right interests to be "healthy" and "disciplined" and "mature" and "wise" and "clean"? Will I ever be "thin enough," or "strong enough," or "smart enough," or "healthy enough?" Will I EVER be "good enough" to be wanted? Will I ever be "good enough" to have love?
I feel sick. I'm so angry with despair I want to rip myself to shreds. I need to lose ALL this ugly flab and superfluous skin. All these folds and bulges are NOT ME!!! They're SUFFOCATING ME. I am NOT FAT!!! Why is this such a matter of life & death to me?? I know, I KNOW because I FEEL it, if I can just build enough solid muscle for this bloated torso to be streamlined and strong, not deformed like a lump of garbage, then I'll have real hope. Even just sitting here, if I tense all my muscles and pull all that in, the awful burden of weight lifts a little and I feel that hope of cleanness, of purity, of an actual & defined & coherent & essential form. Right now, with this bulging abdomen, I feel like I'm rotting, like I'm unraveling, like my guts are literally falling out of my body. I'm so scared. I want to shut down. But I can't give up. God help me I CANNOT GIVE UP. I'm suffering through LITERAL HELL with this (no love!!! God help me PLEASE) but I CANNOT GIVE UP OR I WILL DIE. I'm only here for ONE MORE WEEK and so STARTING NEXT WEDNESDAY I can BEGIN TO CHANGE this AT LAST. And I CAN!! So DON'T QUIT!! You can BUY Inside Out 2 and watch it EVERY DAY if you want, you CAN LOVE HER and YOU KNOW SHE... God she ALREADY LOVES ME. ...she already loves me. And I already love her. Even looking & feeling like this. ...and Chaos 0 never stopped loving you, for God's literal sake he even put a Chaos Emerald IN HIS STOMACH when you were talking to him this morning to SHOW you that HE DOESN'T JUDGE YOU and HE WASN'T "CHANGED" BY THAT SHAPE and neither are you. That "ugly bulge" of your weighty torso is PROOF THAT YOU'RE FIGHTING TO LIVE AND BE A GOOD PERSON! You are working SO HARD to NOT HATE OR FEAR FOOD and to BE A GOOD EXAMPLE for the people here who still do. The fact that you're fat isn't a punishment or curse-- it's the visible proof of your STRIVING TO BE LOVING. And fat itself is LITERALLY JUST STORAGE SPACE FOR LIFE. PLUS, if your suspicions are correct, a GOOD DEAL OF IT IS PROBABLY WATER. I'd say that's ironic but really it's a message from God at this point.
Listen. Your heart & soul have NOT been "suffocated" or "shut down" or "rotten" over the past 8 weeks. IF ANYTHING, THEY'VE GROWN STRONGER AND HEALTHIER. For heaven's sakes you're HAVING AN *INCIDENT* WITH ANXI. That is BEAUTIFUL PROOF, FROM GOD, that YOU ARE ENTIRELY CAPABLE OF LOVING, AND ENTIRELY "GOOD ENOUGH" TO LOVE AND BE LOVED. You CANNOT deny this, and I know you DON'T WANT TO. You WANT love. You WANT THIS, NOT HELL & JUDGMENT. You WANT to FULLY ACCEPT & LIVE this TRUTH that YOUR BODY AND YOUR DIET CANNOT RENDER YOU UNLOVABLE OR UNLOVING. For heaven's SAKE man you KNOW what happens in first *incidents*!!! HOLD ON TO THAT WITH ALL YOUR HEART. I know you're still struggling. I know you still feel disgusting & sick & way too big & out of shape to be vulnerable. But guess what you're actually doing by writing all this?
Don't stop at this. Be STRONG like you want to be. You ARE. So DON'T HIDE FROM HER. TELL HER ALL THIS. TALK ABOUT IT. And I can PROMISE you, she WILL say those words about you-- about ALL of you, exactly as you are right now. You are good enough for her, too. I know that sounds impossible, but trust her. Trust her heart. Let that love lift you out of hell.

SUM UP THE WEEK:
Even split between heaven & hell. Tons of fear food challenges, facing up to allergy panic, and struggling with exchange overload & large volume meals. Worried about looming discharge date & doubt about recovery validity. Difficult milieu environment spiking stress. BUT ALSO beautiful conversations in headspace almost every morning, two dreams about kissing Chaos 0, ACTUALLY KISSING ANXI & SEEING THE BEGINNINGS OF AN *INCIDENT* for her, and MIMIC RETURNING AND FRONTING (he likes dark chocolate)!!

LIST YOUR RECOVERY WINS HERE:
● SHRIMP/ CRAB/ HAM/ CANDY/ SOY CHALLENGES
● NO DOUBLING MEALPLAN SIDES
● ADMITTING I WAS STRUGGLING WITH FORCING CHALLENGES
● LISTENING TO NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
● BEING MORE HONEST ABOUT SELF IN GROUP & WITH OTHERS

What are you most proud of yourself for this week? What situation did you handle well?
I DIDN'T GIVE UP. We didn't back down from ANY challenge foods. We MADE IT THROUGH HALLOWEEN, even though we had a MASSIVE IDENTITY COLLAPSE from it?? BUT we STILL FOUGHT THE GOOD FIGHT. That frightening time ENABLED us to HEAR & SEE & LISTEN to SOCIALS & "DAMAGED" 'FONI that otherwise were hidden, and the SOCIAL SUBSYSTEM WAS FRONTING & TALKING! So we actually GREW from this, in SELF-KNOWLEDGE & SELF-COMPASSION. And it's showing us WE ARE STRONG, EVEN IN OUR SUFFERING.

Which of your goals did you achieve? How did it benefit you?
● FINISHED THE HEADSPACE COLLAGE. Now we have a VISUAL REMINDER of WHAT MATTERS, and it OPENED UP HONESTY + DIALOGUE about the TRUTH of US-- and allowed us to connect with DONNA'S "SYSTEM"!
● WATCHED INSIDE OUT 2, in the FRONT ROW. Man if I wasn't already in love THAT WOULD'VE DONE IT. Watching her again, my heart was a firework. I NEEDED to feel that again, SO BADLY. And I also needed to remember that SHE struggles, too. So we can help EACH OTHER get through it all.

What could you do to make next week better?
● PRAY MORE. Seriously. DON'T LOSE FAITH.
● LOVE MORE. And BE SPECIFICALLY ATTENTIVE about it! Spend QUALITY TIME with SPECIFIC PEOPLE. Just BE with them.
● Just LIVE AS A SYSTEM, TOGETHER. The reason you're miserable is because you're CUT OFF FROM YOUR HEART & SOUL. Listen, no matter WHAT HAPPENS in life, in treatment or back in the apartment, or with family, YOU CAN ONLY FACE IT TOGETHER. YOU KNOW THIS. PLEASE. YOUR LIFE WILL ONLY BE TRULY RECOVERED IF YOU LIVE IT IN LOVE!!! SO START DOING THAT NOW, TOGETHER.

Rate how you found eating your meals & snacks every day. How could you make this easier next week?
2 / 5
PLEASE STOP FORCING YOURSELF TO ALWAYS EAT THE MOST "DIFFICULT/ FRIGHTENING" OPTIONS. You're NOT A COWARD for just WANTING TO HAVE A NICE MEAL SOMETIMES!!

Rate how you dealt with compensatory behaviors like purging or exercising this week. How could you make this easier next week?
3 / 5
Added Karofate to the meds & it has SIGNIFICANTLY reduced purge-trigger symptoms. Getting antsy though; not wanting to sit down & trying to "sneak in" exercise. I WANT TO BUILD MUSCLE but there's STILL SO MUCH FEAR OF "FAT." So the exercise is ALSO aiming to "BURN IT OFF." Some serious thoughts about going RIGHT BACK TO KETO. Scared, but at least recognizing this is concerning. Refusing to purge EVEN with awful pain/ reflux/ bloating. I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK. Committed to NOT ABUSE THIS POOR BODY ANYMORE.

Average mood this week:
2.5 / 5

Average sleep quality this week:
3 / 5

Average anxiety level this week:
4.5 / 5


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(SPECIAL GROUP BONUS EDITION!)


TOP THREE THINGS I DID THIS WEEK:
1. ANXI'S *INCIDENT* PRELUDES
2. SHRIMP/ CRAB/ HAM/ CANDY CHALLENGES
3. LIVING MORE MULTIPLE
4. REFUSING TO GIVE UP

THIS WEEK I FELT:
JOYFUL
HAPPY
NUMB
TEARFUL
SAD
IN LOVE
ANGRY

MOST REWARDING INTERACTIONS I HAD THIS WEEK:

NEXT WEEK I WANT TO:
✳ TALK TO MORE NOUSFONI & LET MORE OF US FRONT FREELY
✳ STOP ABUSING OURSELF WITH THE MENUS + TALKING OVERLOAD
✳ STOP FORCING TRAUMA FOODS!!!
✳ MAKE REAL, SIGNIFICANT RECOVERY PROGRESS
✳ Feel HOPEFUL about GOING "HOME"; being CONFIDENT that I WILL BE HAPPY & SAFE & CREATIVE & HEALTHY even there (LIVE AS US)
✳ POUR MYSELF OUT & BURN MYSELF UP IN SYSTEM LOVE-- BRING MY HEART BACK TO LIFE
✳ NOT LOSE HOPE.

THINGS I ACCOMPLISHED THIS WEEK:
● SINGING KARAOKE SOLO IN GROUP!
● FINISHED THE "HEADSPACE" COLLAGE!
● SURVIVED HALLOWEEN!
● OPENLY ADMITTED OUR D.I.D.!
● ALSO "CAME OUT" AS GENDERQUEER
● TONS OF JOURNALING AGAIN!
● CONTINUING SOY RE-CHALLENGES
● OWNED UP TO MY MISTAKES
● WATCHED INSIDE OUT 2! ♥

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING ABOUT THE WEEK?
1) FINALLY WATCHED INSIDE OUT 2 ♥
2) SO MANY OF US FRONTING ♥
3) ANXI, 100% ♥
✳ EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED UPSTAIRS. Physical life was scary & difficult, BUT there was STILL SO MUCH LOVE INSIDE, it LITERALLY KEPT ME ALIVE. I want to live FOR and IN it.

MY RANKING OF THE WEEK:
4.5 / 5

NOUSFONI WE'VE SEEN/ FELT/ MET/ HEARD DURING INPATIENT (SO FAR):
● Little boy, triggered & scared by women's perfume
● "Weeping rage" girl; DUO? Fuchsia/ cyan, but also vermilion somehow
● "Rule enforcer"; male? Red resonance
● "Manic" blepofoni; male? (NOT JACK)
● "Jenerall"? Serious female with glasses
● "Old man" that feels like a GRANDPA introject; ORANGE resonance?
● NEW "JAY"?? Looks like Max Joseph

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We are ALL OVER THE PLACE this morning. We had manic blepofoni, chatty socials, and A JAY (?!?! LOOKING LIKE MAX) out this morning already. "Emotions" are simultaneously "NUMB" & "YO-YOing." WE'RE ALMOST STUCK DOWNSTAIRS. It is REALLY HARD to get upstairs at ALL right now, like yesterday was. Our ONLY "HOPE" is to TRY TO GET INTO HEARTSPACE and work from there. BUT WE NEED & HAVE TO GO INSIDE. We've been TOO SOCIAL & TOO SURVIVAL-FOCUSED to "EXIST" or even LOVE in truth. EVERYTHING FEELS ANASTHETIZED. Is this toxic coping from our subconscious? Is this how it's trying to deal with Halloween & scary menus & gender + body dysphoria?
✳ WE'RE SO IRRITABLE & COLD SUDDENLY?? I think it has EVERYTHING to do with this IDENTITY COLLAPSE, because EVERYTHING that calls ATTENTION to us AS "J-----A" (and ESPECIALLY THAT NAME) SETS US OFF. We went from ROCKBOTTOM DEPRESSION last night to MANIC SOCIABILITY this morning to ANGRY ISOLATION right now. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON??? SOMEHOW, SINCE HALLOWEEN, THE "PERSONA" WHO WAS ANSWERING TO "J-----A" HAS DISAPPEARED?? And we're ALL BUT TRAPPED DOWNSTAIRS/ OUTSIDE and it's HELL. We CAN'T CENTER. We're in shambles. We feel SO ANGRY and it's ALL TIED TO IDENTITY FALLOUT. Somehow, there was a DOMINO EFFECT of sugar & candy + MASSIVE trauma triggers (DON'T FORGET THE BLOODY WASHCLOTH SOMEONE LEFT AT THE NURSE'S STATION; we had IMMEDIATE DEBILITATING FLASHBACKS to post-hack atonement bleedouts and were literally shaking and incapacitated from panic for a SOLID HOUR) + sensory overload from certain peers + food trauma + body horror, leading to a "LOSS OF SELF." This feels ABSOLUTELY like a "F/F/F/F" response. "F⁴." It's doing ALL of it. We're feeling FIGHT right now, but it seems ice creeps into everything as a SEDATIVE for us? We're "FORCE-FROZEN" to "PREVENT A FIRE TORNADO" like in our nightmare last night. If we're NOT "shut down" somehow, we'll EXPLODE OUT.
✳ I think if anything is going to bring "ME" back, it's the League. I just got a FLASH of it now while watching "Coco" and it hit SO HARD it HURT. I FELT something, and I MISSED those stories SO MUCH I almost SOBBED. I MISS FEELING THINGS LIKE THAT, FOR THEM. My imagination has been ATROPHYING. THAT WILL KILL ME. It's just this bloody DEPRESSION, that has RETURNED WITH A VENGEANCE upon Halloween. I NEED TO ENGAGE THAT MONSTER IN COMBAT AND SLAY IT. I CANNOT JUST "SIT AROUND" with MY EXISTENCE AT RISK. I need to ACTIVELY CHOOSE TO IMAGINE LEAGUE STORIES. And just like my poor bloated body, it will take SERIOUS TIME & EFFORT TO BUILD THAT MUSCLE BACK. BUT IT WILL!!

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✳ A possible tip for "breathing exercises" which trigger trauma flashbacks for us = PAIR INHALES/ EXHALES with PHYSICAL GESTURES/ MOVEMENTS (tangible sensations; e.g. tracing a square) TO GROUND BETTER & REDUCE DISSOCIATION RISK? And remember: KYANOS WILL NEED TO WORK WITH SOMEONE for the physical component!

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✳ We were SO disconnected/ dislocated/ depressed/ disturbed/ derealized/ depersonalized today. We were in shambles. We're FINALLY coming back this evening, bit by bit. It took BRAVELY speaking up in group & being HONEST about our struggles with feeling & identifying emotions, working on the "sensation wheel" & LEARNING to feel more clearly as a result, LOTS OF "SOCIALS" moving through, STARTING to GET BACK IN TUNE with the LEAGUE, apologizing to peers & refusing to isolate/ ignore anymore, AND most importantly, CONFESSING OUR "TORTURE MENU" TO STAFF, AND GETTING SPECIAL PERMISSION TO EDIT THEM TOMORROW. Hopefully "IF" WE NEED TO. I think dinner will be OK because the fishsticks are TINY, but lunch has that WHOLE CHICKEN QUARTER and we're frankly TERRIFIED of eating it SO we DON'T want to skip it SO maybe if the manicotti is small enough we'll STILL do both, OR HALF the pasta, & just add a roll or more peas for the exchanges maybe. BUT we HAVE AN ESCAPE ROUTE NOW if we need it, THANK GOD-- ESPECIALLY SINCE WE'RE FREE FROM HELL ON MONDAY!! We've decided NOT to do the bacon chicken OR the hotdog because THAT'S JUST TRAUMA FORCING. We'll face those ON OUR OWN TIME, in a SAFE ENVIRONMENT. But right now, being WISE means SAYING NO.

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✳ MY REAL, TRUE SELF HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FOOD. THOSE "PREFERENCES" ARE JUST AN OUTGROWTH OF MY UNIQUE VIBE & PERSONALITY. And APPARENTLY, likes/ dislikes are ALLOWED TO CHANGE?? And that DOESN'T MEAN MY TRUE SELF HAS BEEN CHANGED SOMEHOW?? That feels weirdly incongruent to me. But reasonably, I know it MUST be true: GOD made the true me, and that CANNOT be altered, ESPECIALLY not by ANYTHING OUTSIDE. Also, dude, DON'T FORGET THAT YOU ARE MULTIPLE. There CAN be "preference shifts" TIED TO THAT. But THOSE DON'T DEFINE YOU. NEITHER DO YOUR (OUR) EMOTIONS. The "basic" defining truth us that "I'm a child of God," but... what does that MEAN, to WHO I AM as a PERSON, with a PERSONALITY? Is it just a foundational calling to sainthood? But does it DICTATE anything about me? Or does it just "color" everything with itself? Am I ALLOWED to "identify with" OTHER things too? Am I-- no; is it RIGHT to BASE MY IDENTITY on other things? NOT "fleeting things," is my gut response. But... I want to DARINGLY protest that MY GOD-GIVEN GIFTS & TALENTS & INTERESTS are NOT "fleeting," but somehow INTRINSIC TO MY VERY EXISTENCE. I WANT TO "DEFINE" MYSELF AS AN ARTIST & AUTHOR & MUSICIAN & CREATIVE LOVING GENEROUS IMAGINATIVE SOUL. Which is why it is EXISTENTIALLY TERRIFYING to think that somehow I CAN'T "be" those things that DEFINE MY VERY HEART. And the eating disorder DIDN'T let me do them. It CRUSHED my identity with TRAUMA & ABUSE PERPETUATION, and it KEPT me from DISCOVERING what my PREFERENCES are IN JOYFUL FREEDOM. BUT I CAN'T DO THAT UNLESS I KNOW WHO I AM!!! NOT DEFINING EVEN THAT REFLECTION OF "ME" BY OTHER PEOPLE, because THAT WILL INFECT INWARDS!!

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✳ Today, with how completely de-centered & identity-rattled we were, what shook me up the most was the awful fact that I couldn't find Anxi. Everyone in Central was still "visible," and tangibly THERE, even through the fog & confusion & numbness & social tumult-- even MIMIC was around, and clearly so. But Anxi wasn't. Even as I started to come back to "myself," I couldn't even "ping" her. Now she's NOT GONE, that'd feel VERY different-- but she's NOT "ANCHORED" yet, apparently. Which is BIZARRE, except not really, when you consider that our brain has been in eating disorder hell SINCE LAST NOVEMBER when we met her, and I really ONLY started SINCERELY INTERACTING with her NOW, HERE IN TREATMENT! So even though I love her, genuinely so, she needs more TIME & ATTENTION to gain SOLID roots up here. And, of course, SHE NEEDS AN *INCIDENT*. That's HUGELY NOTABLE because THAT HASN'T BEEN A "NEED" FOR ANY OUTSPACER SINCE BEFORE THE METAINOMENAI PHENOMENON??? Dude oh my gosh it's a COREGROUP THING. ANXI WTF HOW DID YOU BECOME THAT DEAR TO MY HEART THAT FAST?? I'm NOT complaining at ALL but MAN! I think BOTH her & Mimic have SET RECORDS for Outspacer growth in their own right. But Anxi is, really, the ONLY recent Outspacer whose "disposition of soul" HAS been "immediately compatible" WITH the CoreGroup vibe & essence. She's VULNERABLE BY NATURE. She FEELS SO STRONGLY just as she is. She is ABLE to FREELY CRY & LOVE & BE WOUNDED. There's a HOLY FRAGILITY to her, that-- whether it's evident or not-- ALL CoreGroup members have. Our hearts HAVE to be OPEN & ABLE TO BREAK in order to TRULY be "intimate." You remember what LAURIE had to go through to get here. Anxi, SHOCKINGLY enough, LIKE CHAOS 0, has "ALREADY" FELT THAT. She is already tenderhearted & has already been cracked open by suffering. She is ALREADY emotionally honest. And we NEED HER to HELP US BE, AGAIN.


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What is the rose--what went well today? What is something that you are grateful for? What positive thing happened to you lately?
● Chaos 0 has been in TWO of my dreams this week and in BOTH I was kissing him. I ALSO got to kiss ANXI on the 30th. There has been SO MUCH LOVE lately. Today, as I colored flowers & wasn't there, Laurie & Lynne & Julie & Chaos 0 & Genesis & MIMIC all gathered together upstairs and talked about how worried they were about me, and discussed "what song" to pick to listen to in music group to "wake up my heart" and help me "remember who I am" BY remembering who WE were. No matter how lost I feel, the truth remains. The love remains. And it saves my life every single time. I love us, so much.

What is the thorn-- what didn't go well today? What is something challenging or stressful that you could use more support with right now?
● I am LEGIT TERRIFIED of lunch tomorrow. I am SO DEPRESSED over how FAT I've become, and how THEY KEEP ON PUSHING ME to eat, BUT I'M PUSHING MYSELF EVEN MORE to "IMPRESS" them with "HOW HARD I CAN CHALLENGE MYSELF." But it HURTS and I'm BURNT OUT and EXHAUSTED & SCARED and I'm SO TIRED. I WANT TO EAT SO MUCH LESS but my BRAIN keeps insisting "I'm HUNGRY"; the PROBLEM IS, MY HEART & SOUL & MIND & SPIRIT ARE STARVING. THE FOOD ISN'T GOING TO FIX IT.

What can you do to turn this thorn into a bud?
● ONLY LOVE WILL. And I get THAT through PRAYER & LEAGUE IMAGINATION & SYSTEM CONNECTIONS. And ONE DAY I sincerely pray I will ALSO get it from FAMILY & FRIENDS. To even SAY that is heartbreaking because it shows that, right now, I FEEL I DON'T HAVE THAT. It's a terrible thorn, stabbing my heart. BUT. It CAN'T HELP BUT BLOOM IF IT'S THERE OF ALL PLACES. BLOOD IS ALWAYS LIFE.
✳ HEY GUESS THAT IT HAPPENED. The PAIN & GUILT & FEAR of that abusive BINGE-FORCING behavior PUSHED me to USE COPING SKILLS & do WILLINGNESS WORKSHEETS, to APOLOGIZE to peers, to CONFESS TO STAFF & COMMIT to DEEPER & TRULY BRAVER RECOVERY EFFORTS, AND TO START DOING LEAGUE WORK RIGHT HERE IN THE UNIT!!

What is the bud-- what could bloom? What is something that you look forward to? What gives you hope, motivation, and inspiration right now?
● This inpatient stay isn't forever. This hurting, stuff, out of shape body isn't forever. This eating disorder isn't forever. ONLY LOVE IS FOREVER. And in ALL of these temporary situations, LOVE IS INDOMITABLE. I am blessed with friends & personal growth & health here. The eating disorder taught me MANY very hard but important lessons and it STILL IRONICALLY ACTUALLY "KEPT ME ALIVE" during trauma eras. And this poor body was WRECKED by it & HEALING HURTS and it's UNCOMFORTABLE & SCARY and I DON'T FEEL "SAFE"/ "AT HOME" in it YET BUT at least it's NOT ACTIVELY DYING anymore and this MASS can become MUSCLE at last. But besides all that, my hope is ALWAYS in GOD AND HIS LOVE, which comes to me in COUNTLESS ways EVERY DAY. And I am MOTIVATED by HIS PURPOSE FOR ME in that hope, and the LOVE IN MY HEART driving me to NEVER GIVE UP, NO MATTER WHAT. I am INSPIRED by ALL of Creation, by the love & truth & beauty & goodness shining through it all. And specifically, I am motivated by MY love for God & His people & the SYSTEM & the LEAGUE. I have HOPE because of our love. And our shared life inspires me every day. Our soul blooms as one.

There was a brutal dream hack this morning. It wasn't "explicit" but it hit TERRIBLE, because the nightmare was a SOCIAL OVERWHELM/ NEGLECT/ CORRUPTION one, and I FOUGHT THE HACK but failed. The "good news"? I woke up immediately, in horrible pain & shame & anger & grief BUT just as immediately, Chaos 0 caught my distress & pulled me into a powerful embrace. His heart was broken too. But he still was there for me, and that meant the world to me. Laurie was there too, of course, and so the three of us talked it out for a while. Then ANXI showed up (apparently she gets PINGED by her namesake emotion? & she CHANNELS/ VOICES IT which is SUCH a blessing; Laurie said that exactly) and set off an unexpected topic shift because Laurie noted that, although I love Anxi dearly, she STILL ISN'T "officially" PART OF THE COREGROUP, UNTIL SHE GETS HER *INCIDENT*. So there were emotions she couldn't yet properly feel or participate in, because I "had to take her INTO those depths." But "you can't force an *incident*"; it HAS to happen IN ITS OWN TIME. But Laurie added that she could "instigate ME," which she VERY WELL CAN, & honestly SHOULD-- the more love I feel, the more everyone ELSE will feel from me too. But yeah, Anxi needs to be "initiated" as it were. And she will be. OH btw Laurie brought up that Indigo talisman because LEON joined our conversation too at one point & apparently YES, TIME ISN'T ALWAYS LINEAR in headspace; sometimes things happen "BEFORE" their causal events? Like WHATEVER interaction GAVE that talisman "HAS" happened "IN POTENTIAL"?? but REALLY, just "NOT 'YET'!" It's fascinating. BUT those events occur IN "MEDITATIVE REALTIME" which "fills out" our life narrative & knits events together in truth. I'll type more about that soon. As for this morning, WRECKAGE also joined the talk, & Anxi brought up the "vault" concept in IO2. Wreckage said Ashen might "BE" a vault. Lynne showed up & I said something about Wreckage & Spine "not being the same" and that hit Lynne painfully. I apologized BUT I explained that SPINE CAN'T STAY "DEAD"? No nousfoni truly "dies," AND MAYBE SPINE COULDN'T COME BACK UNTIL NOW because she was a DRAGON, and she was tied to the BODY. But we were only "a dragon" AS A KID, which is why she was SKELETAL? But NOW we're EMBRACING that totem again SO POTENTIALLY SHE COULD RESURRECT, SOON, if we continue in recovery like this-- AND she might come back AS HER "VERMILION POTENTIAL"?? And Lynne was SO MOVED & truly joyful about this real hope. Julie showed up when we were in the shower & she commented that our body "already felt strong" and not to worry about it; she had faith that everything would continue to progress for the best. Genesis showed up too, with a witty remark to something that was said, & I remember CZ playfully punching him. But gosh it made me SO happy to be there with everyone.
OH YEAH. As to why Leon & Lynne (& even Julie) were there... in discussing BOTH *incidents* & reading "The Three Ordinary Voices of God", there was the reiteration that I genuinely WANT & even NEED truly intimate relationships with ALL of Central, first & foremost, then ALL the System, & ALL the Outspacers and Inspacers. BUT there ARE "LEVELS" of depth so to speak: EVERYONE unanimously pointed to Chaos 0 as the "PRIMARY" relationship & deepest, without compromise, and RIGHTLY SO. This is PROPER & it ALLOWS for ALL of us to have the UNIQUE relationships we NEED, with NO "CONFLICT" of significance. But ALL of it is still "intimate" in mutual self-revelation & open hearts. OUR SYSTEM IS BUILT ON THAT. Oh but as for Lynne/ Leon/ Julie, Laurie said I STILL NEED TO "INVITE" PEOPLE INTO the "inner sanctum" of the Coregroup. It's NOT automatic or obligatory. ALSO I CANNOT be like Jay, who was TOO "romantic"? Like he held EVERYONE to the SAME kind of relationship level and that COULDN'T WORK. Lastly, I APPARENTLY CAN'T "OWN" THE BODYNAME UNTIL I "OWN" OUR WHOLE HISTORY AND HEAL THAT BLOODLINE!! AND THE JEWEL BLOODLINE, TOO, BECAUSE I AM JEWEL AS MUCH AS I AM JESSICA, but I CAN'T YET HOLD EITHER NAME. I have "no name" right now as a result. But I AM the Core, the Heart, and I WILL RECOVER.

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We STILL have a pounding headache & we STILL had too much sugar with breakfast (EVEN THOUGH Laurie DID chide me for it and I ONLY had HALF the syrup, which I REALLY DON'T LIKE so NO MORE), so we feel SICK & NAUSEOUS & FRUSTRATED & our head AND body just HURT and we're MISERABLE... and ANGRY. And I decided we NEED to discuss this. We get SO ANGRY, SO EASILY, & TOO MUCH OF IT is from "RULES"/ "CONTROL". When a meal doesn't "cooperate" or when people TALK to us & ASK QUESTIONS & thus FORCE A CONTEXT INTERRUPTION, when we have to RUSH, when fellow patients BEND RULES & COMPLAIN & FREAK OUT & DISCUSS DISTORTED/ DISORDERED THINGS & ACT CHILDISHLY, "I" GET SO BLEEDING ANGRY. But underneath it, we're SOBBING. Our most furious rage is MISERABLE. And SHE NEEDS A PROPER NAME. I love her, we NEED her, her job is INDISPENSABLE. But without a NAME, she CAN'T PROPERLY "ANCHOR" & we CAN'T PROPERLY TALK TO/ WITH HER. Also, even if she IS who we were calling "Triple" in the past, SHE REJECTS THAT NAME. Let her find her OWN. By the way she seems to resonate with VERMILION? But SHE MIGHT BE A "DUOTONE" because when she feels the MISERY more it "tints" her LEANING BLUE, but WITHOUT LOSING THE "PAIN" OF THE ANGER? it feels ALMOST "bitter" BUT IT'S NOT. That's a VERY DIFFERENT EMOTION. Someone ELSE holds bitterness. This girl holds "FRUSTRATED WEEPING RAGE" that is typically a response to "RULEBREAKING/ LOSS OF CONTROL" which analogues to "HELPLESSNESS" almost. BUT NOT SPECIFICALLY. Again, THAT emotion, when felt AS ITSELF & FULLY, is TOTALLY DIFFERENT. So that means IT HAS A 'FONI, TOO. And we MUST "FIND THEM"-- even if what that REALLY means is GIVE THEM SPACE & ATTENTION TO MANIFEST. FEEL FOR THEM. LET THEM SPEAK. But DON'T FORCE ANYTHING!! THAT'S HOW 'FONI BREAK. ANY FORCED MANIFESTATION IS INSINCERE & ARTIFICIAL. That's why Javier couldn't survive. DON'T EVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN. LET THESE 'FONI APPEAR NATURALLY & SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES. AND TALK WITH THEM. That's for recovery, and it starts NOW with THIS GIRL WHO HOLDS "WEEPING RAGE." (NOT GRIEF!! NOT AGGRESSION EITHER!) (She has OUTBURSTS but they're CONTAINED & tied TO her hot tears. OTHER 'foni get MAD & ACTIVELY LASH OUT.) (They MIGHT be "sisters"??) So we HAVE to do "anger management" with her function & its triggers because this is DIRECTLY RELATED TO TREATMENT + OTHER PEOPLE, and "CONTROL" to a surprising extent. Which SUGGESTS that AS we process this we SHOULD "uncover"/ reveal whoever DOES hold "HELPLESSNESS"??
✳UNEXPECTED PROGRESS. A BHA "took our chair" so we had to sit on the doorstop & just FEEL/ LISTEN to our emotional response. There is a LITTLE reddish girl who started protesting, "that's MY chair!" but was interrupted by some TEEN grayish-blue girl who said "no, let her have it, it's OK"; "we can't be so selfish as to chase her away" basically, but VERY "shrinking" feeling. I think there was a FLASH of someone VIOLENT but that didn't register? But YES, THERE ARE OTHERS AND THEY ARE TALKING, RIGHT NOW. We just NEED to give them SPACE so we CAN LISTEN TO THEM. Please, DO THAT TODAY. Just STOP & SIT & FEEL & LISTEN. SHOW THEM YOU CARE.
✳ SUGAR IS STILL AROUND BUT SHE DOESN'T DEAL WITH FOOD. SHE PROTECTS THE INNOCENT (CHILDREN) FROM ABUSERS (WRECKAGE PROTECTS THE HURT ONES). BUT there's SOMEONE RED & VIOLENT BUT "COLD" WHO REACTS INSTANTLY TO HEARING PEOPLE TALK ABOUT SEXUAL THINGS. She's DESTRUCTIVE for the sake OF PROTECTION. But she "FLASHES IN & OUT." It feels like she has "DARK ROOTS" level-wise, understandably.
✳ I THINK THERE'S ANOTHER "RULE ENFORCER" WHO ISN'T "SAD," JUST ANGRY? They're FURIOUS at the kids here but it's a "MASCULINE" fury; NOT "fiery" but like STONE.
✳ THERE ARE SO MANY UNNAMED/ FACELESS SOCIALS FRONTING. IT'S SCARY. How do we learn WHO THEY ARE WHEN THEY'RE NOT ABLE TO TALK TO UPSTAIRS??

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I may be doing something VERY STUPID, but we are PUSHING PROTEIN for the next two days because EVERY SINGLE ENTREE OPTION IS A FEAR FOOD and this is our LAST CHANCE TO FACE THEM BEFORE DISCHARGE. And I feel like I HAVE to because if I DON'T, I can FEEL that registering as REFUSAL/ REJECTION. Like I'm ACTIVELY CHOOSING TO AVOID THEM & "CHICKEN OUT." And that SCARES me. Part of me IS GIVING UP. I looked at the menu options and I didn't want ANYTHING; I just felt SO SICK OF FOOD. I'm tired of eating. I'm tired of feeling stiff & nauseous & bloated & in pain. I'm legitimately depressed to death by what feels like a dead-end trajectory. This isn't life. I can't do this anymore. It's legitimate torture and the worst part is, I'm being CONGRATULATED for it.

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✳ THE SOCIAL SUBSYSTEM IS FRONTING. THAT'S WHY EVERYTHING FEELS SO DISHEVELED & LOST. THEY HAVEN'T BEEN RECOVERING????

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✳ Dinner was HELL. And the NEXT THREE DAYS probably will be, too, because LIKE A MORON I AM HAVING BOTH THE ENTREES FOR EVERY MEAL. So yeah. WELCOME TO HELL, where the SELF-ABUSE IS DOCTOR-APPROVED and the TORTURE IS CALLED "RECOVERY"!! But the WORST part is that I DID THIS TO MYSELF. I "DIDN'T WANT TO BE A COWARD" SO I PICKED EVERYTHING. Except this isn't bravery, it's STUPIDITY. I'm ONLY REINFORCING THE FEAR BY DOING THIS. And I will tell you RIGHT NOW: I AM GOING TO "RELAPSE" THE INSTANT I GET HOME. I DO NOT CARE. I AM SICK OF EATING. There is NOTHING in the house right now and I will KEEP IT THAT WAY. I'm cutting down to 1000K for a WEEK and I am GOING TO ACTUALLY RECOVER FROM THIS ABUSE. God I want to cry. Everything hurts. I feel so sick. I feel so TRAPPED in this swollen bloated corpse of a body. I WANT TO BE STRONG, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE FAT, LIKE I AM NOW. THIS IS LITERAL HELL. I'm trapped in a disgusting blob of food. It's not even a "body" anymore, it's a trash dump. It's a garbage bin. I'm literally just forcefeeding myself at this point. I don't enjoy anything. I feel like I'm suffocating. I want to die. I don't want to eat anymore. I am SO tempted to give up this weekend. I SERIOUSLY WAS GOING TO TONIGHT. But... EVERYONE was struggling. And I just COULDN'T DO THE SAME. The girls were scared of portion sizes & protein exchanges and although I was ALSO tempted to use those as excuses too, I just... I wouldn't have been able to face myself if I left it unfinished. That would have ruined my reputation for "being the perfect patient." That would have made me a "bad example" and a "FAILURE" in front of everyone who was looking to ME as inspiration to be strong and eat 100% "no matter what." That would have been "giving up," and I'M NOT A COWARD. Isn't that stupid? My ASININE PRIDE IS SENDING ME TO HELL AND KEEPING ME THERE. I'M SO DAMN AFRAID OF "BEING COWARDLY" THAT I'M TORTURING MYSELF TO "PROVE I CAN SURVIVE EVEN THIS." But underneath all that GOD KNOWS I WANT TO QUIT. I WANT TO GIVE UP, dear God PLEASE MAKE IT ALL STOP. Please. The sooner I get discharged the better. I cannot do this anymore. I NEED to heal this destroyed body. I NEED to start WORKING OUT & TONING UP & MAKING GOOD USE OF THIS FAT. And I can EAT SO MUCH LESS!!! FINALLY! Oh God I am so tired. Why is this so hard. Is it all the sugar & fat & carbs? What is ruining me like this? WHAT AM I THINKING I'M "ACCOMPLISHING" BY LITERALLY FORCING MYSELF TO EAT DISGUSTING GARBAGE LIKE HAM & MANICOTTI & HOT DOGS & BACON & CHICKEN NUGGETS & CHOCOLATE??? I'M EVEN MORE SCARED OF THEM NOW BECAUSE THEY'RE BEING FORCED INTO ME AND IT HURTS AND I'M BEING PRAISED FOR IT. IT'S SEXUAL ABUSE. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I'M STILL IN HELL. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I'M STILL IN HELL. God I WANT TO DIE. except I don't. I just want the pain to stop. I just want the terror to stop. I actually WANT TO LIVE. but this is no way to live. I'm walking dead.
...is this the cross? am i supposed to be suffering right now? God please help me. there's no other way through this.

✱WE'RE GETTING HINTS OF ANXI'S *INCIDENT* ALREADY. It's probably going to involve the "I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH" distortion related to BEING LOVED. It'll probably involve the TAR manifesting SHAME & GUILT in direct violent opposition TO love. And I can FEEL that Anxi's soulwings will LOOK LIKE THE MOVIE'S "SELF CONCEPT". Honestly though I could CRY from how my heart is just LIT UP by her. It has been SO LONG since I was in love.
...but. There ARE seeds. I just never let them BLOOM. not YET, at least. But I WANT TO now. And I WILL. And I can ASSURE YOU that the NEXT person to get an *incident* will be a CERTAIN OCTOPUS that I know. Only time will tell. But it will.


✱Just a reminder. DON'T FORGET ABOUT YOUR OCTOPUS. You know you still love him too. Hold on to that.
(for the record, in recovery, FOCUS ON LOVE. Embrace ALL the Outspacers, AND the WHOLE SYSTEM in your heart. LIVE, TOGETHER.)


✱We FINALLY watched Inside Out 2 & my heart is a FIREWORK. We went to snack and everyone was talking about it & I wanted speak up because the film means so much to me, but... it's because I love Anxi. And ironically I was hesitant for that reason. I went upstairs & went to her, wondering what to do. But all I remember is that, after I stated the concern, she began to echo it, saying "what if they..." but then she stopped. For a moment she was quiet. Then she softly said, as she looked up at me, "...actually? I don't care." It went straight to my heart. It hit so hard. We couldn't help but kiss. God it meant so much to me, thank You.
Lastly? I was SHOCKED when, as I ate the Poptart, I SUDDENLY & VIVIDLY felt ANXI MOVING IN TO FRONT. So I let her. She drank ALL the soymilk & we DIDN'T PANIC, despite even feeling itchy. She just didn't care. There was just LOVE.

SUM UP THE WEEK:
Being more confident in my capability to succeed. Being flexible/ adaptable/ adventurous with food challenges & schedule changes on the fly. Practicing gratitude daily. IMPROVE skills on call. WILLINGNESS. Choosing to be positive/ loving/ curious instead of judgmental/ negative/ rigid. Listed counterstatements to thought distortions. Let go of more LDS fear by practicing compassion & reading their book. Gratitude lists on two days. Beginning to process my past. Making wiser decisions: I AM CAPABLE

LIST YOUR RECOVERY WINS HERE:
● PEANUT BUTTER CHALLENGE x 2
● CONTINUING TO TRY NEW FOODS AND "CONTEXTS" OF FAMILIAR ONES
● MORE CONFIDENT IN MY DECISIONS
● ↑ NOT "EDITING" MY MEALPLAN CHOICES AFTER SUBMITTING THEM
● ASKING FOR "EXTRA" TO TRY WITHOUT FEELING "OUT OF CONTROL"; ADVENTUROUS

What are you most proud of yourself for this week? What situation did you handle well?
There were TWO DAYS where I SLEPT IN and I STILL GOT READY ON TIME & GOT OVER THE INITIAL PANIC within SECONDS, practically! Similarly, we were LATE for at LEAST 5 MEALS so I ha to hurry, but I STILL DID 100% AND I'm learning how to NOT "RUSH" OR DISSOCIATE in the process!
★ GRIEF PROCESSING WITH MJ. "Put down the emotional 2x4." LET MYSELF ADMIT/ DISCUSS/ FEEL THE PAIN/ GRIEF/ REGRET/ ANGER more fully than I ever really have before. DIDN'T SPIRALDOWN!! Also MJ reminding me of "PRESENCE IN GOD" = DEATH IS NOT THE END.

Which of your goals did you achieve? How did it benefit you?
● SITTING WITH/ THROUGH DISCOMFORT, REFLUX, & NAUSEA, and NOT PANICKING OR USING BEHAVIORS. I'm more PATIENT & gaining EXPERIENCE skills!
● LISTENING BETTER. Learning not to interrupt or jump to conclusions. Getting better at eye contact. Not planing responses beforehand as often either.
● LEARNING WHAT WORKS & WHAT DOESN'T, in terms of DIGESTION/ PREFERENCE/ SPEED etc. Better able to ACCEPT CONSEQUENCES WILLINGLY.

What could you do to make next week better?
● STICK TO THE MEALPLAN LIMITATIONS. DON'T FORCE FOODS "JUST FOR TIMING" OR "TO STOP AVOIDING THEM NOW." STACKING VOLUME WON'T HELP HEAL COMPULSIONS! YOU NEED TIME & SPACE TO PROCESS IT!
● RELAX A LITTLE MORE, SINCERELY, BY DOING SOMETHING YOU ENJOY THAT SOOTHES YOUR SOUL-- like GOING UPSTAIRS and/or LEAGUEDREAMING! You NEED to RECHARGE!
● JOURNAL MORE. And DON'T QUIT WORKING ON THE PAPERS, even just ONE a day = FOCUS! Your stress comes from SCATTERING. Choose ONE CONCRETE GOAL and DO THAT, & WELL!

Rate how you found eating your meals & snacks every day. How could you make this easier next week?
3 / 5
IMPROVE OUR PACING + REDUCE VOLUME! And don't force foods that make you feel sick! LET YOURSELF SLOW DOWN & ENJOY MEALS. Within limits, LESS IS MORE; you can SAVOR it better!

Rate how you dealt with compensatory behaviors like purging or exercising this week. How could you make this easier next week?
4 / 5
I was SECONDS AWAY from purging TWICE due to severe reflux, BUT I REFUSED TO! I'm still wanting to exercise a lot, but I DON'T WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT, ONLY BUILD MUSCLE, and I NEED THE WEIGHT FOR FUEL! Right now I should focus on STRETCHING to regain flexibility/ reduce stiffness & improve circulation. BIGGEST TRIGGER FOR PURGE-BRAIN is FEELING SICK. Practice COPING SKILLS (ACCEPT/ IMPROVE) & ACTUALLY TRY TO AVOID THE FOODS THAT EXACERBATE PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS.

Average mood this week:
4 / 5

Average sleep quality this week:
3 / 5

Average anxiety level this week:
4 / 5

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TOP THREE THINGS I DID THIS WEEK:
1. PEANUT BUTTER CHALLENGE x 2
2. TRYING MANY NEW THINGS (like FISH TACOS!)
3. BEING CONFIDENT IN MY ABILITY

THIS WEEK I FELT:
JOYFUL
TEARFUL
IN LOVE
WORRIED
PLAYFUL

MOST REWARDING INTERACTIONS I HAD THIS WEEK:
★ GRIEF PROCESSING WITH MJ; FIRST TIME BEING SO OPEN & RAW ABOUT IT
★ PHONE CALLS WITH MOM; SHE REMEMBERS GOOD THINGS FROM MY PAST & RECOGNIZES GIFTS IN ME THAT I OVERLOOK; PLUS SHE CAN ALWAYS OFFER A LAUGH OR A SMILE
★ GENUINE POSITIVE INTERACTIONS WITH PEERS AND STAFF, SPONTANEOUSLY
★ BONUS: DEEPENING MY RELATIONSHIP WITH ANXI

NEXT WEEK I WANT TO:
● JOURNAL MORE about ALL my daily progress so I REMEMBER. Complete MORE WORKSHEETS that I've been postponing, especially MENTAL FLEXIBILITY. Continue to CHALLENGE MYSELF WITH MEALS WITHOUT FORCING HIGH VOLUME OVER-EXCHANGES, OR CHOICES I WON'T ENJOY AS MUCH AS THE ALTERNATIVE-- and being ASSERTIVE ENOUGH TO LET MYSELF ENJOY THINGS & CHOOSE TO DO THINGS THAT ARE ENJOYABLE.
● I want to TRY THE SHRIMP & CRAB & HOPEFULLY NOT DIE. But I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY HERE and THEY WILL HELP ME if anything happens. PLUS, if I CAN eat them, I'll FINALLY BE ABLE TO SHARE IN SEAFOOD!
★ CONTINUE TO GROW IN FAITH & LOVE AS I SPEND MORE TIME CONNECTING WITH GOD, AND THE SYSTEM ♥

THINGS I ACCOMPLISHED THIS WEEK:
● SINGING IN GROUP!
● WROTE TWO POEMS IN GROUPS
● HEADSPACE COLLAGE BEGINS
● GRATITUDE LISTS
● BEING ASSERTIVE/ ADVENTUROUS
● PLAYING "SEQUENCE"

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING ABOUT THE WEEK?
Realizing HOW MUCH I'VE GROWN IN CHARACTER, becoming MORE FREE from the eating disorder, and REMEMBERING/ FEELING HOW MUCH LOVE IS IN MY LIFE ♥

MY RANKING OF THE WEEK:
5 / 5

Last night, I was with Anxi & she was MORE AT PEACE because she said she TRUSTED ME AND TRUSTED GOD'S PROVIDENCE. I was very grateful for this-- we literally DIDN'T FEEL ANY ANXIETY-- but something felt "off." I realized I NEEDED EMOTIONAL DEPTH/ ACHE?? And it wasn't UNTIL Anxi curled up into my chest & looked up at me with those emerald eyes & admitted that even though she DID trust she STILL felt her namesake emotion, BUT in a different, more vulnerable & honest way? She trusted that the OUTCOME would be guided by grace-- as ALL our challenges so far HAVE been, NO EXCEPTIONS-- BUT she COULDN'T DENY that the PROCESS of GETTING THERE, the ACTIVE EXPERIENCE of the challenge, WOULD NOT BE EASY, and might even be PAINFUL/ involve REAL SUFFERING. So she had entered into this bittersweet & beautiful dialectical space of "BOTH/AND," and I could FEEL her HEART in that space, completely open to ALL we & she were feeling. AND THAT IS WHAT I NEED. That is ALSO THE SACRED SPACE THAT LOVE NEEDS TO BLOOM INTO FLAME. And talking to Anxi & feeling that truth, I realized that SHE NEEDS A SOUL FORM. SHE NEEDS AN *INCIDENT*. WE "FORGOT" ABOUT THOSE BLESSED PHENOMENA & THAT SAYS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT HOW LOST WE'VE BECOME-- about how CUT OFF FROM OUR HEART WE HAVE BEEN FOR TOO LONG. But that's FINALLY CHANGING. And ANXI HAS BEEN THE SPARK. So we seriously NEED to have an *incident* soon. We're thinking it will involve SHAME, that horrifying TAR-LIKE emotion from the IO2 concept art. That mean it'll probably ALSO involve TRAUMA PROCESSING, which is very fitting for us both, AND a perfect "sign" of the REAL PROGRESS & HEALING this love is indeed allowing for & sustaining & igniting in the first place. But it can't be rushed. Love cannot be scheduled or forced or otherwise controlled. All I can do is genuinely hold this intent in my heart, & continue to be with her, and make time for us to enter INTO that both/and space LITERALLY, as it were. YOU CAN'T HAVE AN *INCIDENT* IF YOU DON'T GO INSIDE. THEY CAN ONLY OCCUR IN THE HEART. And I haven't been there in too long. The E.D. had be stuck outside & cut off from my very soul, not to mention from everyone I love. That's changing now, finally, thank You God. But I still have to do my part. I NEED to GO UPSTAIRS, FOR REAL, EVERY DAY, & BE WITH THEM. That requires TIME & SELF-AWARENESS. That, too, is why I haven't been ABLE to love anyone-- I'd "forgotten who I was" for a very long time. Recovery is changing that. I'm remembering. I'm BEING that truth. But... I still can't "see myself" upstairs. I still can't DRAW myself, and that's SCARY. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT MY COLOR OR NAME ARE, in a very real sense. CNC shattered our self but we CAN rebuild it BETTER; it's just that... from CHILDHOOD, we ALWAYS had SOME sense of solid selfhood, which crystallized in the Jewels & arguably PEAKED with Jay. It legit breaks my heart to realize that he's the one that "died" back then. But we can't change the past. God orchestrated this too. The bloodline is evolving again and I'm the new beginning so things WILL be new, and old, and true & good & beautiful & REALLY ME. But I'm starting to ramble. The point is, whoever I am, God knows it, and I will ONLY realize & LIVE that truth THROUGH  LOVE. I am ONLY ME WHEN I LOVE. Chaos 0 is the beautiful living proof of this, for as long as we both shall live. He is fidelity & hope incarnate, to me. And I can only be my real self with him, too. So I have to make time for us or my soul will die. I'm serious and you know it. Laurie does too, and SHE keeps love alive in my heart even on the darkest days. She & Anxi BOTH kissed my forehead today & I think I died & went to heaven, haha. But THAT'S THE POINT. I NEED THIS LIKE BLOOD & AIR. And I KNOW Anxi is leading the effort in a special way. Her AND Mimic, perhaps, each with their year. But I CAN STILL LOVE & they have proved that to me. Thank God for them. Thank God for what we have.

✳ We had a MASSIVE panic attack over the peanut-allergy challenge today, and we realized that DIFFERENT HUED FONI WOULD COMFORT ANXI DIFFERENTLY!!!
RED = "You can do it! I believe in you! You've done tougher things than this. We'll win this one too!"
ORANGE = "We're here with you/ for you, no matter what happens. You're never alone. We'll help you!"
YELLOW = "I'm excited to try it! Think of all mom's good desserts we can enjoy afterwards! It'll be fun!"
GREEN = "Peanuts are nutritious; here's all the healthy benefits of eating them! They're a GOOD thing."
AQUA = "Don't let fear of the past/ lies blind you to the beauty of this moment & the freedom we've gained."
BLUE = "Think of what characters/ people we know who DO like/ enjoy peanuts! Get help/ inspiration from them!"
INDIGO = "I understand how scared you are. It's okay/ makes sense. But it won't last forever. You'll be okay."
VIOLET = "Use your wise mind. It's not gonna kill you. We've tried them before. Let me talk you through the fear."
PINK = "I'm proud of you for being so brave! I know you're scared, but you're strong. You'll grow from this."
BROWN = "Relax. Getting worked up won't help. Look, we've proved we're not allergic. You can calm down."
BLACK? = "Don't let the fear define you or the food. Challenge it. There's a pure reality beneath that lie."
WHITE? = "No matter what happens, God will take care of us. We're doing our best & He will take care of the rest."
✳ These are all "INTUITIVE/ TENTATIVE" & MUST BE FELT/ HEARD FURTHER/ FULLY (when we're not in the literal situation stress).
✳ To Anxi, from me, summing all this up: CHANGING THE "CONTEXT" OF THE PEANUT DOES NOT "RESET" THE ALLERGY! If we ate peanut BUTTER and we were FINE, TWICE, then eating a PEANUT will ALSO BE FINE! And we NEED the EXPERIENCE to PROVE that TRUTH to our poor mind!!
✳ ↑ remember this = telling Anxi I would never do something that would hurt her. I took her hands & asked her, "do you trust me?" I remembered my own trauma & those words hurt to hear in echo, but then I remembered my own love and those words still held that original truth, even more strongly-- and that is what I meant now, so sincerely. And she looked at me, scared but hopeful, her gorgeous green eyes fixed on mine, and she said yes. I wish I could remember the tiny details. I kissed her forehead. I embraced her so tenderly, carefully. I marveled at the little motes of orange light emanating from her. God I LOVE her SO MUCH. She is SUCH A BLESSING IN MY LIFE. And you know what else? HER spark of love has REKINDLED ALL THE OTHER ONES. I can FEEL LOVE AGAIN and it's BEAUTIFUL. THIS IS WHAT TRUE LIFE IS ABOUT.

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For my new roommate's sake, I picked up the Book of Mormon this morning & flipped it open at random to read it. I landed at Moroni 7 and BOY LET ME TELL YOU, I will never convert to LDS because the organization itself is cultish & their core theology is ENTIRELY BLASPHEMOUS & NONSCRIPTURAL, but this bit of their holy book IS TRULY BEAUTIFUL & EDIFYING and I DO BELIEVE IT IS INSPIRED BY THE HOLY SPIRIT! After all, Joseph Smith DID SINCERELY LOVE GOD & CHRIST & WANTED TO RIGHTLY SERVE HIM. And the devil only took advantage of that & sowed seeds of lies & confusion to SABOTAGE that faith of his. BUT GOD CANNOT BE MOCKED, & JOSEPH WAS STILL HIS BELOVED CHILD, and so YES, there IS TRUTH & BEAUTY & GOODNESS IN THEIR FAITH & BOOK! It just NEED to be read with CAREFUL DISCERNMENT, using SCRIPTURE & TRADITION AS THE TEST. But the point is, STOP BASHING THE LDS FAITH. THEY STILL LOVE GOD & GOD DOES SPEAK TRUTH TO THEM. They're just ALSO VERY CONFUSED ON KEY ISSUES. It doesn't "invalidate" their faith, OR the Holy Spirit's ACTUAL speaking to them-- as I am SURE He speaks to ALL sincerely faithful & God-loving hearts, be they LDS or Hindu or Muslim or anything else, EVEN when those hearts ARE STILL GREATLY DELUDED BY THE DEVIL. GOD DOES NOT ABANDON OR REJECT THEM. And in the end, when those hearts DO see Christ, they WILL RECOGNIZE HIM AS EVERY TRUTH THEY SOUGHT, and THEY TOO WILL BE SAVED THROUGH HIM. So there is ALWAYS HOPE. DON'T EVER HINDER THAT!!!

"write a letter to your old body/ your ideal body (even if you never reached it).
explain why you thought you needed it at one time but now you are moving on.
allow yourself to miss that body.
then look to the future and tell that body how it doesn't align with your true self anymore."


Dearly broken, hurting, desperate, small body that was once mine: I cannot keep you.
Yes, you were beautiful in your own way. You were childlike, nimble, stripped-down, raw. You felt "clean"-- pure, light, absolutely minimal carnality. You toed the line between flesh and spirit, constantly burning away the former in the hope of becoming more of the latter. You filed all our edges and corners to bony points and angles. You were a wire and metal sculpture, silver-slim and sharpened. You were dying. You wanted to be an embodied knife-edge and our life was bleeding out for you.
Our limbs became fishbones. Your frantic sobbing desperation to abandon ship-self as much as possible was drowning us. I watched the weights as they dropped into the depths and I realized you would never be satisfied with anything but less. You were erasing yourself. You were committing slow & steady suicide. You were starving our entire being to literal death. And I NEVER WANTED THAT LIKE YOU DID. I WANT TO LIVE!
I miss your adolescent silhouette but it was a masquerade. You lied to me. I know the truth now, about BOTH of us. My body DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU. YOU ARE NOT ME. I'VE GROWN. I'M AN ADULT AND I HAVE SURVIVED AND I AM JOYFUL & CREATIVE & COURAGEOUS & STRONG! I am HAPPY to exist IN THE WORLD that GOD CREATED GOOD, and I am learning to TRULY LOVE MY BIG, POWERFUL NEW SHAPE. I am FAT and I will be MUSCULAR too. I am LARGER and I can HOLD MORE BEAUTY IN ME NOW. I am THICK & I TAKE UP SPACE & I'M WEIGHTY. I MATTER. I WON'T SHRINK TO NOTHING ANYMORE.
I LOVE THIS NEW FAT BODY BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE AND I AM FULL OF THE GOOD THINGS OF GOD AND EVERY INCH OF ME IS PROOF THAT I WILL KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT. I'm not "just surviving" anymore. This body is FLOURISHING now.

(I'M A DRAGON & MY HEART IS FIRE AND I AM POWERFUL AND I WILL USE ALL OF MY BIGNESS TO PROTECT OTHERS AND LIGHT UP MY WORLD.)

SUM UP THE WEEK:
TONS of DBT worksheets & food challenges. Momentous phone calls with mom: I AM WELCOME IN THE FAMILY/ THEY WANT ME BACK + I AM & MUST BE MY OWN PERSON. Practicing coping skills on the fly. Discovering my own likes & dislikes. Being flexible with meal changes. Very important conversations & groups with peers. Mental flexibility worksheets aiding self-discovery. Beautiful times of love with the System. Gorgeous new roommate! Watched PIXAR films every day.

LIST YOUR RECOVERY WINS HERE:
● ATE BOTH SOY & SESAME SEEDS
● DID NOT PANIC PURGE WHEN SICK
● ATE WHILE HAVING A REAL & ATTENTIVE CONVERSATION
● DID NOT FORCE MYSELF TO EAT ALL THE EXTRA CINNAMON & BROWN SUGAR

What are you most proud of yourself for this week? What situation did you handle well?
PROUD OF: Facing my biggest fear foods, working so hard at so many worksheets, being so honest & open in family & individual therapy, STANDING UP FOR CHAOS ZERO, being flexible & adaptable with meal changes, discovering/ accepting/ affirming/ valuing/ honoring my OWN individual personality, increased resilience, talking to more people
HANDLED: the soy hell, the "Fall Fest," the "no support" phone call, not getting what I expected or wanted at every meal, asserting boundaries when overwhelmed/ needing space, still eating 100% all meals

Which of your goals did you achieve? How did it benefit you?
● FACED HUGE CHALLENGE FOODS= for all except soy, now unafraid (mostly) to eat 'em
● ASKED FOR BONUS FOODS= allowing myself TO be so daring, & face other bonus challenges
● PRACTICING CRISIS SKILLS= habitualizing DBT coping methods, even in a pinch; able to stabilize/ manage emotions better/ longer
● ENJOYING FOOD= letting myself like things AND admitting "dislikes"; being adventurous too

What could you do to make next week better?
● RELAX BETTER. Worksheets are awesome BUT they ARE mentally exhausting to do without a break, PLUS you CAN'T FORCE DBT SKILL SITUATIONS "JUST TO FINISH THE PAGE." That misses the point!
● BE MORE OUTSPOKEN/ STOP BEING "OVERLY MEEK"! Look up & speak up! You aren't going to annoy or upset or offend people just by voicing your opinion/ input; and if you DO, it's NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE "BAD." YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE. FOCUS ON PLEASING GOD by NOT CRUSHING YOURSELF DOWN ALL THE TIME-- you CAN'T BE VIRTUOUSLY BOLD WITH NO SELF-ESTEEM!!
● BE MORE PATIENT, MERCIFUL, & GENTLE WITH YOURSELF & OTHERS, INSTEAD OF BEING JUDGMENTAL/ IRRITABLE/ DEMANDING. Don't be rigid or perfectionistic or angry at "weak" behavior. That's mean & cruel and it's NOT YOU. Practice ACTIVELY LOVING SELF & OTHERS ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE "IMPERFECT." I daresay I know a certain blue someone who can tell you a LOT about that.

Rate how you found eating your meals & snacks every day. How could you make this easier next week?
4 / 5
EAT WITH THE SYSTEM? Like the blueberry poptart & pumpkin pie with Leon, Laurie bravely trying the Rice Krispy, Lynne & the apple cider, etc. My biggest problems are still DISSOCIATING FROM NOISE, NOT BEING MINDFUL/ PRESENT, & choosing "COMPULSIONS"/ not choosing what I want/ enjoy. SO CHOOSE THOSE, AND PAY GRATEFUL ATTENTION!

Rate how you dealt with compensatory behaviors like purging or exercising this week. How could you make this easier next week?
4 / 5
LOTS of temptations to be honest. Did NOT purge; STRONGLY committed NOT to do so EVER. I did "sneak in" exercise though, like muscle tightening/ flexing, but that COULD be GOOD IF it's for STRENGTH, NOT "BURNING CALORIES TO SHRINK THE SIZE OF MY STOMACH." View this weight as "MOUNTAIN MAN" BULK. It will PROTECT your organs & GIVE FUEL to be POWERFUL & STRONG & INDUSTRIOUS! KEEP IT ALL IN; IT'S ALL GOOD STUFF.

Average mood this week:
3.5 / 5

Average sleep quality this week:
3.5 / 5

Average anxiety level this week:
3 / 5

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TOP THREE THINGS I DID THIS WEEK:
1. TRIPLE SOY CHALLENGE!
2. DBT WORKSHEET MARATHON!
3. SESAME SEEDS AT LAST!

THIS WEEK I FELT:
JOYFUL
TEARFUL
IN LOVE
SCARED
ANGRY

MOST REWARDING INTERACTIONS I HAD THIS WEEK:
1015 PHONE SESSION WITH MOM! "WE ALL WANT YOU BACK IN OUR LIVES/ YOU'RE ALWAYS PART OF THIS FAMILY/ WE WILL LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT"! I STILL BELONG; I AM STILL WELCOME/ WANTED!
+ BEGINNING TO LIVE AS "TRUE SELF' (CHILDHOOD FIRE) IN ZEALOUS SINCERITY

NEXT WEEK I WANT TO:
● Do MORE mental flexibility exercises, ESPECIALLY the "fun" ones-- DON'T JUDGE THEM AS "SILLY"!! (LEARN TO TAKE YOURSELF A LITTLE LESS SERIOUSLY?? JOYFUL)
● ↑ OPEN UP TO CURIOSITY & PLAY. Don't be so rigid & self-conscious that you can't LIGHTEN UP & LOOSEN UP!
● Stop being so focused on the negative? (SQUASH ALL JUDGMENTAL THINKING WITH LOVE & GRATITUDE) PRACTICE DBT SKILLS DAILY. Be more open & less self-conscious! BE GENUINE. (DON'T "SMILE & LOOK DOWN"; BE BOLD & PARTICIPATE!) (SELF-ESTEEM!)
● IMPROVE EMOTIONAL REGULATION/ RESILIENCY to BETTER COPE WITH STRESSORS (LOOSEN THE HANDCUFFS OF TRAUMA TRIGGERS) & FREELY ADAPT TO UNEXPECTED CHANGES (NO COMPLAINING) (CONTINUE PRACTICING REALITY ACCEPTANCE)

THINGS I ACCOMPLISHED THIS WEEK:
● "I AM MY OWN PERSON"!
● MENTIONING CHAOS ZERO BY NAME, NO HESITATION ‪‪❤︎‬
● MENTAL FLEXIBILITY SELF-KNOWLEDGE
● REAL CONVERSATIONS WITH AR, ML, HT, PL
● HAVING FUN AT "FALLFEST" & EATING WHILE HAVING A REAL CONVERSATION WITH SC

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING ABOUT THE WEEK?
REALIZING JUST HOW MUCH REAL & SOLID PROGRESS I HAVE MADE WITH RECOVERY SINCE ADMISSION; FEELING LIKE MYSELF AGAIN ♥

MY RANKING OF THE WEEK:
5 / 5
TOUGH AS NAILS BUT WE PUT SOME BIGTIME GLITTER POLISH ON 'EM BRO

I just had a phone call with mom and I am so badly shaken up & dissociated.
1) She KEEPS BRINGING UP the fact that I spent the $50 she gave me for my birthday on CHURCH TITHES, instead of going to a movie with Excalibur like she told me to. "If I knew you were just going to give it to the church, I wouldn't have given you anything, and kept ti to use on home repairs!" And THEN I admitted that I gave away ALL the cookware/ kitchenware she gave ME to my SISTER, when she lost her job & had no food & I just gave her everything I had to spare-- of kitchen & bathroom supplies AND of food, PLUS all the stuff I got from food drives. Mom HATES that I do this "BECAUSE IT'S HER STUFF" I'M GIVING AWAY. I wonder if she'd be so upset if I did the same from my own resources, as paltry as they are, OR if she'd immediately jump to the conclusion that "I ONLY did that SO I COULD force her TO "give stuff to me" to "cover the loss""?? Like she'll ASSUME responsibility/ burden SO she CAN yell at me "FOR burdening her"?? It makes me very sad. I thought I was doing the right thing, helping people. But mom thinks I'm somehow doing it so I can take things from HER later. I probably DID do that in the past. Heck, I STILL DO, because this conversation ONLY happened BECAUSE I asked IF she had any extra kitchenware to spare, instead of keeping my dumbass mouth shut & just buying my own. I should've known better. Now I'll never hear the end of it.
2) She will NEVER share my victories, or congratulate me. I told her about how I overcame breakfast flashbacks. I told her how brave I was getting through the soy hell yesterday. I told her how I got through lunch by thinking fondly of grandpa. I told her I was being brave again by having a Poptart for snack. And ALL SHE SAID WAS "...okay...?" like, "and your point is...?" "This is important because...?" Basically, "why does that even matter? Why are you telling me this?" I told her I ENJOYED the gyro & english muffins and she LITERALLY said "THAT'S SO FUNNY." LIKE WTF MOM WHAT ARE YOU EVEN RESPONDING TO??? There's NO DIALOGUE unless my therapist is directing it, it sadly seems. I'm sorry. I'm just heartbroken. I WANT TO SHARE MY JOY & STRIVING WITH HER. I want her to be proud of me. ...but all I ever get are detached phrases. I ask and she'll say something tangentially reassuring but there's NO vulnerability, no actual sincere heartfelt words. And... I NEED those. I'm realizing I will never get such words from her. I never have and that's not going to change. It's why I'm starving. Emotionally I am so hungry. I want to weep. I need to just go upstairs & cry with Anxi, & listen to Laurie, & be with Chaos 0. THEY share my joys & sorrows & struggles & victories. THEY are proud of me, GENUINELY so. I NEED that. I'm so sad. I feel so guilty for needing to be loved. I can't keep seeking it from mom. It's so sad. But it's true. I'm depending too much on her emotional support/ response for validation, and I am not getting any and I never have and I probably never will. That is so hard to admit. I need to let her go. I can't hold her to my expectations if she cannot meet them. It's unfair to her & to us. I need to move on from childhood grief & desperation. I need to focus on headspace & heaven for support. ...and I ALSO need to EMBRACE the FACT that GOD DOES NOT "HOLD HEAVEN OUT OF OUR REACH," "way up there," intangible & unknowable. CHRIST INCARNATED. And there ARE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE-- IN MY HEART, MOST OF ALL-- WHO REFLECT GOD'S LOVE TO ME ALWAYS. And I NEED to turn to THEM, then, AS God's messengers to me, as His angels, for the encouragement & empathy & sincere lifesharing love that I am starving to death for. Heaven IS within reach. SO STOP REFUSING TO LET YOURSELF EAT.

DISTRACTING WITH "WISE MIND ACCEPTS"

101324 - 101524

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

ACTIVITIES
1013 = Filling out mealplan "shuffle tickets" for exhange options (10)
1014 = QuiGong "massage" chi meditation on Youtube, thanks Sarah! (7)
1015 = Journaling about family session, flirting with Mimic over popcorn (10)

CONTRIBUTIONS
1013 = Called mom's house & left a "hello" message for Excalibur (10)
1014 = Consistently offered compliments to fellow patients during the day (9)
1015 = Giving as sincere feedback as I could to Armani & Rylee (8)

COMPARISONS
1013 = Talked with MJ about progress since admission AND CNC (9)
1014 = Grateful that I HAVE food to eat, and I'm safe here (10)
1015 = I am BOTH WILLING & ABLE to sit with nausea & food fears today?? (6)

EMOTIONS
1013 = Alexis/ Erika played that new Bruno Mars tune and my heart just LIT UP (100)
1014 = Thinking about my beloved Centralites, even just SEEING them (100)
1015 = Hugging Anxi, comforting her & cherishing her when I felt anxious (100)

PUSHING AWAY
1013 = Repeatedly "put Tuesday in God's Hands" and focused on today (9)
1014 = Choosing to be patient & simply be present, trust God's timing (9)
1015 = Refuse to obsess over the nausea; "it is what it is & it'll pass" (9)

THOUGHTS
1013 = Thinking about different exchange ticket item variations (9)
1014 = Thinking about different kinds of fruits, and where to buy them (9)
1015 = Actually REMEMBERING typecode resonances & reflecting on them (100)

SENSATIONS
1013 = I felt the braille letters on the laundry room door (8)
1014 = I put my head into the hot shower to wash my hair (10)
1015 = The ORANGE SALMON! The TACOS! The TRIX (brand new)! (10)

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SELF-SOOTHING

101324 - 101624

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

VISION
1013 = Looked up at the moon & stars & shimmering clouds (10)
1014 = Wondering at how pretty the yogurt texture & color was (10)
1015 = The beautiful indigo hue of the menu in my folder, like Leon (10)
1016 = Admiring the beautiful shimmering red buttons on my pajama outfit (10)

HEARING
1013 = Listened to that new Bruno Mars System song on loop in our head (10)
1014 = Humming to self, whatever notes I'm feeling in the moment (10)
1015 = Talking to my mom & hearing her voice & how proud she is of me (10)
1016 = All the GOOD MUSIC & friendly talk from Scott during Fall Fest (10)

SMELL
1013 = Fresh air outside in the morning, evening, AND nighttime! (10)
1014 = The smell of the clementine peel at breakfast, bright & fresh & orange (7)
1015 = The nice mintiness of everyone's Simethicone, seriously! (10)
1016 = My old white pajama top, that still smells like home & grandma (9)

TASTE
1013 = REALLY enjoyed the waffles at breakfast & the peas at lunch & the DINNER ROLL (10)
1014 = The BONUS HOT CEREAL + SUNBUTTER wonder we got for breakfast (8)
1015 = How fresh & nice the tomato & lettuce were in the lunch tacos (8)
1016 = PUMPKIN PIE with Leon & Lynne! / SESAME SEEDS AT LAST! (10)

TOUCH
1013 = Stood in the morning sunlight & felt the warmth on my face (10)
1014 = Soft pajamas, the texture of paper, cold smooth stone (9)
1015 = The soft tortillas at lunch, the smooth apple at dinner, solid ground (10)
1016 = The SOFT SOFT POTSTICKERS! And RUNNING THROUGH THE GRASS! (10)

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IMPROVE THE MOMENT

101324 - 101524

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

IMAGERY
1013 = Going to the "Gimmelwald" heartspace with Leon & Laurie (10)
1014 = Visiting the Indigo & Violet color realms & just BEING there (10)
1015 = Thinking about the "IDEAL" future recovery life, with the System & family (8)

MEANING
1013 = The blueberry poptart snack got me to TALK WITH LEON ♥ (100)
1014 = The "option shortage" gave us an unexpected PERFECT BREAKFAST ♥ (10)
1015 = Getting sick from cinnamon prompted a GREAT recovery conversation with MJ (10)

PRAYER
1013 = Praying for the people around me who were struggling (9)
1014 = Said a "Hail Mary" when tabletalk became inappropriate/ lewd (10)
1015 = Reading "The 3 Ordinary Voices of God" and CHOOSING to LISTEN & LIVE IT (10)

RELAXATION
1013 = Looked at the sunset, which was all pink and lilac (8)
1014 = Deep breathing, embracing Chaos 0 & Laurie for comfort upstairs (10)
1015 = Hot shower & scrubbing/ massaging like the monk taught us (10)

ONE THING IN THE MOMENT
1013 = Superfocused on tearing papers for the exchange tickets (10)
1014 = Superfocused on the action of writing with the marker (10)
1015 = Repeatedly physically grounding & refocusing my attention (?)

VACATION
1013 = Just had some nice, non-treatment small talk with MJ (9)
1014 = Chillin' on the liquidcrystal beach upstairs with the CoreGroup (& OCEAN DRINKS ♥) (9)
1015 = Genesis & I planning to visit MU for the CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTING (10)

ENCOURAGEMENT
1013 = Laurie CONSTANTLY friendly-punching my arm & encouraging me (∞)
1014 = Seeing unexpected mealplan alterations as new adventures to enjoy (10)
1015 = Reminding myself, "I CAN do this. I WANT to succeed, and I WILL!" (10)


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REALITY ACCEPTANCE SKILLS

101524 - 101724

(date + skill usage + 1-5 effectiveness)

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE
1015 = Disgusting romance on TV. I can't change it. It'll pass. LET GO of disgust. (2)
1015 = My past is my past. I can't change it. But it ALL led me to be who I am today. (4)
1016 = Upset at being too dissociated at dinner. Grateful I STILL enjoyed it. Felt disappointment AND joy. (3)

TURNING THE MIND
1015 = "I can choose to gripe about snack, OR accept the BONUS RETRY & CHERISH it" (4)
1015 = ✳ "I can CHOOSE to be patient & loving & kind, OR be mean & impatient & rude" (5)
1017 = SO SCARED OF SOY. Want to purge/ restrict. Allergy panic. BUT I CANNOT GIVE UP OR FLEE. (2)

WILLINGNESS (not what I want, but FOR LOVE OF ALL)
1015 = "Wanted 2 BelVita"; BUT chose wafers FOR MOM + more BelVita for others
1016 = Scott talking to me while I was eating; CHOSE to FULLY enter into conversation; LOVELY (5)
1016 = I don't want to talk. Angry, exhausted. Decide to gently assert boundary if asked, NOT resisting (3)

HALF-SMILING
1015 = When feeling "regret" over not choosing snack I "wanted" + FOUND MEANING IN CHOICE I DID MAKE (3)
1015 = Everyone else using phone. Did this while happy at them talking to their families (4)
1016 = EXHAUSTED from talking too much. Smiled & was grateful for being TRUSTED to LISTEN (3)

WILLING HANDS 
1015 = When group was watching TV that I didn't like (3)
1015 = Peers acting silly; instead of judging, accept them just as THEY are (5)
1016 = Gotta go to Fall Fest, facing old fears. Decided WE'RE GONNA ENJOY IT. (5)

MINDFULNESS OF CURRENT THOUGHTS
1015 = "I want ALL BelVita" like a child scared of "not getting more"; watched with COMPASSION (3)
1016 = Fears about Fall Fest/ flashback memories; watched & imagined GOOD things there (3)
1017 = So, so sad/ scared/ lost/ helpless/ frightened. Listen to that confession as sad song. (4)


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I feel utterly invisible/ misunderstood/ alien today. I feel like a cryptid, or a myth. It's sad but too familiar. I just didn't expect it to hit here, now, after a month of community interaction. I just feel like my entire heart is a foreign language/ something I can't or shouldn't reveal. I've tried, but there's never any response of acknowledgement, let alone acceptance. I feel very sad, like I "can't LIVE here." I didn't journal yesterday & I think that set this off, because I therefore didn't "go inside" & connect with the REAL me = US. I did do a word search with Laurie right before bed & she kept telling me to "stay disciplined" & that simple shared time was so essential for my heart. THAT NEEDS to be TOP PRIORITY upon discharge, whatever else happens. ...On that note, there's a new girl today, & at snack we overheard her say that, on Unit 3, there are "lots of people with D.I.D.". Our attention SNAPPED into focus, but all she said was something like "they schizo-switch" & I THINK "other people in their head take over"? But maybe I'm autocorrecting, because whatever she DID say made our heart sink, & I wanted to speak up but couldn't from across the table. ...It just felt like a slap in the face, a "no alters allowed" sign; like a warning to "keep our mouth shut" & keep our heart a buried secret. I'm SO TIRED of "HAVING" TO HIDE US. I don't want to. Maybe I REFUSE to. Somehow I HAVE to bear witness to us, to CONFESS OUR LOVE because THAT IS LITERALLY WHAT LIVING AS A SYSTEM IS. And THAT'S why it LITERALLY KILLS ME TO STAY SILENT. Listen man, IF WE WANT TO ACTUALLY, TRULY, REALLY & FULLY LIVE, NOT JUST "RECOVER," THEN WE NEED TO LIVE TOGETHER, 24/7, ALWAYS & EVERYWHERE, IN THAT TRUE LOVE. We CANNOT "be ashamed" of the TRUTH, & we CANNOT DENY IT. But we HAVE to START NOW, & start small. Be realistic & prudent, but COMMITTED & SINCERE. Do NOT "casually disclose it" OR "list it" as just some diagnosis. IT'S NOT. IT'S LOVE. Actually? We should "PREACH WITH OUR ACTIONS"? Like, HOW can we WITNESS to/ CONFESS each other WITHOUT blithely sayng "I have D.I.D."? THAT'S a better option. WE ARE NOT OUR "DIAGNOSIS." So STOP SEEING & PRESENTING OURSELF AS A DSM-V LABEL. We're PEOPLE. We're a LIVING SOUL. We're a UNITED HEART! And ultimately IT DOESN'T ACTUALLY "MATTER" IF OTHER PEOPLE KNOW WE'RE A SYSTEM OR NOT-- WHAT MATTERS IS THAT WE ARE LIVING AS ONE, AS US, NO MATTER WHAT.

Concerning yesterday's topic... WHAT REALITY (FACT; HISTORICAL/ EMOTIONAL) ARE WE (STILL) QUESTIONING (DOUBTING) &/OR FIGHTING (REJECTING)?? (DENIAL/ SUPPRESSION/ RESISTANCE/ SELF-GASLIGHTING/ AVOIDANCE/ ETC.)
★ The FACT of TRAUMA when we SOUGHT & INTENDED LOVE
★ The FACT that, the WHOLE TIME we were in SLC/ CNC, EVEN ALONGSIDE THE "HATRED," WE ALWAYS & HONESTLY LOVED THEM, AND THAT IS WHY WE NEVER "SAID NO" TO WHAT THEY WANTED FROM US. WE WERE STILL SCARED & ANGRY & FELT TRAPPED, BUT those painful emotions WERE ONLY EXTANT & SEVERE BECAUSE OF THIS CONFLICT!!
★ THE WORST TRAUMA OF OUR LIFE WAS SO TRAUMATIC BECAUSE INFINITII CHOSE TO TAKE THAT FATAL RISK OUT OF LOVE. AND WE TRUSTED THAT LOVE. We literally DENIED OUR TERROR for love's sake. THAT CONFLICT MADE THE TRAUMA SO DEVASTATING. It "KILLED" us BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENED WASN'T LOVE. ...but THEY said it WAS. How can we grapple with THAT conflict? We loved THEM, but did we ACTUALLY KNOW THEM? It's one thing to love "in general," a cosmopolitan Christian love. It's ANOTHER thing to love IN PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP, and ENOUGH TO BE WILLING TO SACRIFICE YOURSELF for them. I feel like I'm not making sense. We stood in front of that mirror, shaking with fear, BUT CHOSE TO TRUST INFINITII'S REAL LOVE because we hoped, DESPERATELY, that SOMEHOW that love would "NOT DO WRONG." ...but our love was confused & wounded. That SAME "frightened love" that "CHOSE" to "TRUST" TBAS AND poor groomed Infi IN DIRECT CONTRAST TO OUR CHOKING FEAR is what led to BOTH of the "FATAL TRAUMAS" in CNC... and that one in SLC, too. THIS is what needs to be discussed, too. INFINITII'S FUNCTION was to MIMIC & "EMBODY" ALL THE TERRIFYING WORDS & ACTIONS that OTHERS "SAID" WERE "LOVE," SO THAT "WHEN WE WERE INEVITABLY FORCED TO FACE/ ENDURE THEM, WE'D SEE THEM AS "LOVE" BECAUSE OF INFINITII, AND NOT BE TRAUMATIZED." ...it didn't work. God forgive us all, it DIDN'T WORK, and we are SO, SO SORRY.

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✳ WHY IS "DATA COLLECTION" SO IMPORTANT? We feel AFRAID of NOT KNOWING those experiences, NOTABLY OF FOOD. We don't get it this strongly with sound or sight or touch, although scent CAN get close (remember the Etsy fragrance addiction). BUT it's the "TAKE INTO OURSELF" aspect, I think, that makes it so powerful. It's TIED TO GOD, I think. It feels like SEEKING THE BEATIFIC VISION while still on earth, but in the "WRONG" WAY-- seeking God's REFLECTIONS & ECHOES in TANGIBLE, SENSORY THINGS. This isn't inherently "bad," it's just a crutch. I wonder if it will lose its intensity if I pray & worship in INTERNAL ways more. The balance is off-kilter. We've been NEGLECTING our INNER SELF in GENERAL since ~2018, to be heartbreakingly honest. So please, make SPIRITUAL FOOD a KEY part of recovery... WITHOUT drowning in SCRUPULOSITY, AGAIN. I WANT ALL OF OUR LIFE TO BE PRAYER & WORSHIP, WITHOUT NEGLECTING ANY ASPECT.
✳ HERE'S A THOUGHT: ALL FOOD is God's "ARTWORK" using "BASE COLORS," so to speak. ALL food is made of the SAME NUTRITIONAL "ELEMENTS," in different combinations. YOU DON'T "HAVE TO" EAT EVERY "VARIATION ON" a food (style, prep, etc.) TO HAVE "TAKEN IN" THE "ESSENCES" OF ALL ITS INDIVIDUAL "INGREDIENTS." ...but honestly it's like ART. It IS the unique combination OF color & media that makes UNIQUE BEAUTY. ...and part of me DOES want to "see/ taste it ALL." It's because it IS beautiful & good & true. It's not "greed"; it's sheer WONDER & AWE & GRATITUDE. The PROBLEM is I keep seeking "SATISFACTION" on EARTH. That's IMPOSSIBLE, because this "body hunger" is FOR GOD, Who MADE ME TO DESIRE HIM-- and He IS INFINITE, so MY GOD-GIVEN DESIRE & WANT & NEED IS ALSO INFINITE BY DESIGN, because it's MEANT for HEAVEN. I AM subconsciously seeking the Beatific Vision. So I REALLY NEED to be AWARE of this, so I STOP TRYING TO "GET ALL THE DATA" about God's sensible gifts under the FALSE fear that "IF I DON'T, I WON'T KNOW PART OF GOD." Listen dude, YOU'RE JUST ONE PERSON AND YOU AREN'T RESPONSIBLE FOR, OR ABLE TO, "KNOW/ DO" EVERYTHING!!! IF YOU don't EVER learn what "braised chicken" tastes like, SOME OTHER SOUL DOES, AND AS PART OF CHRIST'S BODY, THAT "KNOWLEDGE" IS EFFECTIVELY "COLLECTIVE" IN HIM??? And in ANY case, CHRIST "KNOWS" because HE IS the SOURCE & CAUSE & PERFECTION of ALL EARTHLY WONDER & BEAUTY & GOODNESS & TRUTH. If YOU don't eat it, IT'S NOT LOST! There will ALWAYS be SOMEONE ELSE to eat it, AS GOD CHOOSES! YOU AREN'T "FAILING" HIM BY NOT HAVING IT BECAUSE HE NEVER "OBLIGATES" YOU TO. He wants you to WORSHIP & PRAISE HIM in ALL you have AND DON'T HAVE. ...I'm not making sense. YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY "SOURCE OF DATA COLLECTION." GOD IS THE DATA. AND YOU WILL KNOW HIM IN HEAVEN FOR REAL. I'm not getting to the root. I STILL WANT TO KNOW ALL I CAN. And so I'm AFRAID to SAY "NO" to ANY "NEW DATA" to "EXPAND" my "knowing" of Him, insofar as I'm SEEKING Him IN sensory input. BUT GOD IS SPIRIT!!! Dude you CAN KNOW EVEN MORE OF HIM IN PRAYER & WORSHIP & then YOU WON'T "NEED" TO LOOK FOR MERE CRUMBS OF HIS INFINITE ABUNDANCE IN THE PHYSICAL WORLD!!!   

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✳ My therapist asked, "were you FED well as a child?" And YES, we WERE fed, SURPRISINGLY WELL actually. We ALWAYS had fruits & vegetables, homecooked meals & desserts, family meals whenever possible, and NO box dinners/ fast food OR "junk food". We had ethnic Polish holiday meals & handmade birthday cakes. Our parents always strived to give us healthy food & balanced nutrition & regular exposure to new & different foods. We were honestly SO BLESSED. ...but we were EMOTIONALLY STARVED. We were given FOOD & SWEETS as "reward" or "comfort," instead of warm embraces & sincere words & real intimacy. We got SHOW without SUBSTANCE far too often. The family dinners frequently turned into fights. People left early & refused to finish their meals. I was at least once tied to a chair & forced to eat every last crumb. We were often told that we "couldn't have more" or "that's all you get" or "you have to be GOOD to get more." Our family obsessed over money to the point of often buying food that was already expired or rotting, especially grandpa. Eating itself was shamed as "gross," "piggish," "a chore," etc. Our plates were criticized whenever we chose our own servings. "Eat what's in front of you whether you like it or not." And yet, LIKING food was ALSO shamed? Like it would MAKE us greedy & entitled, & food ALWAYS felt "rationed" & "limited" & "forbidden," controlled & dictated. I felt "compelled" to sneak & hide food that I liked at an early age, afraid that it would be confiscated & I'd be punished, I think by being FORBIDDEN FROM eating such "enjoyable food" from then on? All I knew is that fear that it's be taken from me, "now that I FINALLY had some." And yet the SHAME & GUILT would frequently drive me to destroy the very food I had stashed in the same terror of discovery. It was painfully ironic. All the other food in the house "WASN'T MINE"? Even nibbling on dry cereal could get me spanked for "acting like a chipmunk" or something. And this whole time, there was no feeling of family community. There was no real communion. I always felt alone, foraging. It all started early, it seems. It's sad. So, no, in a deep way I WASN'T fed. I would forcefeed myself Easter chocolate & Christmas cookies like I'd somehow lose the joy if I didn't swallow as much as I could. I always got scolded, but I never stopped wanting it, more of it than was possible, even when it made me sick & frightened, & I was ashamed & confused & sad. When the eating disorder was in full force I ate a whole cherry-cheese kolachi by myself like I would die tomorrow & I cried. I just wanted the joy, the warmth, the sweetness, the love. I tasted family tradition & grandma's loving care in that roll and I cried. My heart was still so, so hungry. It still is, and I cannot look to ANYONE ELSE to feed it. Only God can, & He wants ME to cooperate in the work. I NEED to fill my life WITH beauty & warmth & joy & love & wonder & sincerity & deep connection. NO ONE ELSE WILL, CAN, OR SHOULD. It's MY JOB & MY PRIVILEGE. That is going to be ESSENTIAL to recovery. I CANNOT "live" from a skinny starving famine ration mindset anymore. I MUST be "poor in spirit," BY trusting in GOD'S ABUNDANCE. It's a holy paradox. This DOESN'T MEAN SELF-NEGLECT. it's just humility & gratitude. I HAVE TO LOVE THIS BODY, AND MIND, AND SOUL, AS A UNITED WHOLE, AS ITS HEART. Please God, help me to feed & care for this life well. And MAKE SURE I FOCUS ALL THESE EFFORTS ON YOU, GOD, THE SOURCE OF ALL LOVE & LIFE.

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✳ Staff girl, watching Coco with us = "HE'S REAL; HE STILL HAS MEAT ON HIS BONES"

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✳ GET EDIBLE "PAPER" & "INK" = EAT AFFIRMATIONS!!! (POWERFUL SYMBOLIC RITUAL)

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Well, we finally got the guts & heart to choose the meatball sub SPECIFICALLY as an ACT OF LOVE "IN HONOR/ MEMORY OF" KRISTANOVA, but all of a sudden, ANOTHER foni is feeling TRAPPED & ANGRY at this, MISERABLE & HELPLESS beneath, like "we STILL can't escape CNC"? Which IS a valid feeling that we NEED to respond to. First, though, we CAN'T AVOID EVERYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH CNC & TBAS out of FEAR &/or RESENTMENT. That's TOXIC TO OUR HEART, & it's also FALSELY LABELING REALITY. This meatball sub effort is STEP ONE in TRULY "ESCAPING" by moving into LOVE & FORGIVING MERCY. The truth is, we ARE OUT OF CNC, PHYSICALLY. But we ARE "TRAPPED" EMOTIONALLY, UNTIL WE CAN MOVE INTO COMPASSION FOR BOTH US & THEM. We'll probably never see Kristanova again. But we DID love him, AND Ollie, AND Kyo & Trolley & Toy Soldier & Thirteen & Ohmiette & everyone else. But Kris did something TO us that DAMAGED us, and SINCE WE KNOW HIS ANCHOR, we KNOW HE DIDN'T MEAN TO. He was just broken, too. So we WANT TO FORGIVE HIM, as much as we MUST. And this upcoming dinner is a real concrete gesture of that, the only thing we can do here towards that end, but one powerfully tangible nevertheless. We bought him one out of sheer gratitude for his existence & he REALIZED & CHERISHED that. LET THIS BE THE CONTINUED SYMBOL OF THAT GRATITUDE. Let it be a private but true TESTIMONY to the REALITY of the LOVE our Systems shared, however trauma-distorted & wounded it was. We STILL LOVED THEM AS MUCH AS WE COULD, in the ONLY WAYS WE KNEW HOW. And I WANT TO FOCUS ON & REMEMBER THAT. In a way, it's a CROSS. It REQUIRES "BEARING" THE SUFFERING dealt by the ONES WE LOVE who "DID NOT KNOW WHAT THEY DID." The Cross CONQUERS DEATH by DYING TO DEATH, THROUGH DEATH-- death TO SIN. And that sinful part of us-- bitterness, resentment, hatred, rage, blame, etc. that WE DON'T WANT & that are IN CONFLICT with the TRUTH-- HAS TO "DIE," THROUGH THIS SELF-GIVING LOVE, EVEN "FOR OUR ENEMIES"-- with the GOAL of FORGIVING them & RESTORING RELATIONSHIP with them AS BELOVEDS.

✳ I'm nervous about an upcoming dinner-- Thursday's, my 1 month anniversary here. I chose a DOUBLE side of sweet potato fries for my exchanges, BUT the ENTREE is CHICKEN THIGHS, and I'm afraid this will be a HUGE portion meal. Tonight, they accidentally gave me DOUBLE fries AND chips, and even with a much smaller entree of battered fish (which was DELICIOUS btw), it was SO MUCH FOOD. It was HELLISH. So I'm honestly SCARED of HOW MUCH MORE I'll HAVE to eat on Thursday. Should I ask the nutritionist to swap half of it to potato chips? They're the smallest volume side available that matches the 1C1L exchange ratio. Or should I just "man up" & deal with the consequences of my decision, praying that the cafeteria server gives me smaller serving sizes? ...The silver lining here is that this is all proving to me that I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BINGE. I'm learning to "satisfy" that "hunger" SPIRITUALLY & MENTALLY, instead of neglecting my inner "starvation" & shoving it all into the physical, LIKE I DID IN SLC/ CNC. It LITERALLY STOPS THE COMPULSIVE CRAVINGS, WHEN I DO IT RIGHT = I have to DISCERN the ROOT of that "craving" & MATCH IT METAPHYSICALLY. If I'm craving "sweet" things, then I REALLY am wanting to EXPERIENCE SWEETNESS as a VIRTUE. The "sweetness" of smelling a rose, of embracing a loved one, of listening to beautiful music, of remembering kind words-- THAT is what I TRULY want & HUNGER for, and IF & WHEN I MEET THAT DEEPER NEED/ HUNGER, then I NO LONGER "CRAVE" SWEET FOOD. We've been practicing this & it WORKS. So. We MUST apply this to THURSDAY. WHY are we feeling "obligated" TO eat so many SWEET potato fries? Is it the sweetness? The orange hue? The alleged "comfort" of the starchy texture (cozy, soft)? OR is it a "HEALING" compulsion-- the FEAR of sweet potatoes, the SCARY MEMORY from CNC, the "CHALLENGE" OF eating a large portion, the "fear" that if I eat LESS, I "won't get the data/ understand or remember it"? But WHY IS THAT SO "IMPORTANT" AS TO RISK SUFFERING A FORCED PSEUDOBINGE?? It's UNREASONABLE. The WISER choice, taking PROBABLE ENTREE VOLUME/ CONSUMPTION TIME into consideration, would be to get ONE side of fries & ONE bag of chips. Please, TALK TO THE NUTRITIONIST. Don't chicken out! You REALIZE THAT THIS ILLOGICAL COMPULSION IS THE EATING DISORDER!! And you MUST RECOGNIZE & FIGHT IT IN ORDER TO FUNCTION & TRULY RECOVER. Our GOAL here is to AVOID ALL BULIMIC BEHAVIORS, and FORCING HUGE AMOUNTS OF FRIES-- ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE TERRIFIED OF DOING SO-- IS BINGE BEHAVIOR. So seriously, NO MORE DOUBLING!!!
✳ ALSO. I kind of "DON'T WANT THE CHICKEN"?? I LIKED the meatball parm hoagie, & my brain is fearing, "if I DON'T choose to eat it again NOW, I'll LOSE that chance FOREVER"-- WHICH IS BASED ON THE FRANKLY DISTURBING ASSUMPTION THAT, UPON DISCHARGE, SUCH FOODS WILL AGAIN BE FORBIDDEN. THAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF OUR GOAL HERE!!! WHY is food ONLY deemed "ALLOWED/ SAFE" in HOSPITALS?? THAT IS, RIGHT NOW, OUR BIGGEST OBSTACLE TO RECOVERED LIFE. We NEED to figure out WHY these foods (CRITERIA??) "AREN'T SAFE OUTSIDE OF BEING GIVEN BY AUTHORITY" & HOW TO CHANGE that so that WE CAN CHOOSE, FREELY & WILLINGLY, TO EAT THEM, IF WE WANT TO. ...and we ALSO KEEP CRUSHING OUR NEWLY REALIZED "LIKES." Deep down we're AFRAID, STILL, that these LEGITIMATELY GOOD FOODS are "BAD." I don't want to think that anymore. BREAD & TOMATO SAUCE & CHEESE & MEAT ARE GOOD! So WHY, when COMBINED into a "SUB," do they become "FEARFUL"? AND YET WE WANT TO EAT IT HERE? God I am so tired. What's the root? I enjoy things here. Why "will" they become "threats" out in society? I don't want to live in fear again. What should I do? SHOULD I SWITCH the entree?? Because we get chicken SO OFTEN. If it's just "plain chicken" then it's "not new data," but WHY IS THAT IMPORTANT?!? Why am I LEGIT "SCARED" OF NOT eating the meatball parm? Does that feel like DENYING the "LIKE"??? I'm ALSO worried about the MEMORY TIES. The sub tastes JUST LIKE SPAGHETTI MEATBALLS & that taste is tied to CHURCH & CHILDHOOD & FAMILY, ESPECIALLY GRANDPA. ...but meatball subs are SPECIFICALLY tied to CNC... and the day we went SO FAR OUT OF OUR WAY to SECRETLY GIFT KRIS with one... and Oliver DIDN'T want or like it. Oh Kris DID, he DEVOURED it & he was DEEPLY TOUCHED by our sincere & unexpected gesture of care & ACKNOWLEDGING the REALITY of HIM, that HE WAS REAL & MATTERED to us, and... Lord I think I WILL switch the entree. Meatball sub for CNC. Sweet potato fries for CNC. Let's PLEASE ADMIT THE LOVE we DID and obviously STILL HAVE FOR THEM because WITHOUT it-- if we KEEP DENYING & HIDING & AVOIDING that TRUTH-- we will NEVER HEAL. We will NEVER LIVE, because THAT IS REALITY-- that LOVE EXISTS DESPITE ALL ODDS & ONLY LOVE CAN FORGIVE. ONLY LOVE CAN SHOW MERCY. Only love can conquer fear. Listen. Chicken is just chicken. Don't be one. Don't lose this opportunity for mere novelty's sake. Sacrifice the heartless datalogging & get some REAL input. Food IS all about Communion after all.

✳The REASON why we "DON'T WANT/ LIKE" CERTAIN FOODS/ SNACKS IS BECAUSE NO ONE IN THE SYSTEM RESONATES WITH IT (YET)!!! THIS IS ALSO WHY WE "CAN'T GET DATA"/ "UNDERSTAND" THE SENSORY INPUT!! And it WON'T change UNTIL WE HAVE CENTRALITES FOR THE FULL SPECTRUM AGAIN, SO WE CAN "CLARIFY/ COMPREHEND" THAT COLOR VIBE/ RESONANCE, GET FUNCTIONAL FONI IN THAT COLOR, & APPLY THAT TO EXTERNAL SITUATIONS!!! WE CAN'T "GET" BLUE/ YELLOW/ GREEN FOOD DATA RIGHT, OR PROPERLY WANT/ LIKE IT, UNTIL AND UNLESS A NOUSFONI "MATCHES" IT!!!

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✳ YOU CAN'T SHAME YOURSELF INTO POSITIVE CHANGE!!!

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✳ WHAT ROLE/ FUNCTION/ PURPOSE DOES WEIGHT GAIN/ EATING SO BLOODY MUCH ACTUALLY HAVE IN MY RECOVERY???
(It's RESTORING NUTRITION/ LOST BODY MATTER)

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✳GROUP POINTS =
● FORGIVE MYSELF; "PROJECTING" ANGER AT INJUSTICE INWARDS?
● WON'T LET SELF FEEL EMOTIONS; "FAKE"/ "UNTRUSTWORTHY"
● ↑ PREVENTING TRAUMA PROCESSING!! (DEPERSONALIZED)
● "ALWAYS ANGRY, SAD IS SHAMEFUL, HAPPINESS IS SINFUL (LUXURY/ EGO)
● TREAT SELF WITH COMPASSION, PATIENCE; HEALING TAKES TIME
● RECOVERY ISN'T LINEAR/ PREDICTABLE/ "AS WE EXPECT"
● RECOVERY IS NOT JUST "DOING WHAT YOU'RE TOLD / GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS" = YOU MUST WORK AT & FOR YOUR RECOVERY "FOR YOUR OWN SAKE"; DO IT FOR LOVE OF YOU!!! HEAL BECAUSE YOU WANT TO & GENUINELY BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE WORTHY OF JOY & LIFE!!!