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[prismaticbleed]

"ANXIETY IS THE RESULT OF IMAGINING THE FUTURE WITHOUT GOD." When you KNOW, BELIEVE, & TRUST that GOD IS WITH YOU, & ALWAYS WILL BE-- when you JOYFULLY RELY ON & SURRENDER TO HIS CONSTANT PROVIDENCE = LOVE-- then ANXIETY DISAPPEARS. (or, at least, her heart is COMFORTED & SHE can rest in God's Arms too)

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"She hasn't made a fool of herself just to win my favor" = "that is called DIGNITY"

"HOW CAN YOU HELP ME IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?" "We NEED ROOTS IN THE DARK TO GROW"

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I CANNOT GET OVER HOW DEBILITATINGLY TERRIFIED I AM OF SOY. Like I LITERALLY BELIEVE I AM GOING TO DIE. I am so afraid, I've gone numb. When I'm not, I feel SO LOST & HELPLESS & SCARED I just start crying like a child. I feel like a sick child. I KNOW something is VERY WRONG BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING and I'm HELPLESS. My chest, arms, back, and throat keep itching. My eyes keep burning and watering. My nose is stuffy & running. I have that awful pre-vomit saliva & nausea. My scalp is itching now too. My head is spinning, my vision is unfocused. I feel utterly broken. My neck is itching. My face is twitching, and my arms, and my legs. My tongue feels sore. This is utterly terrifying. WHAT IS IT DOING TO MY BODY. This happened THREE BLOODY TIMES TODAY. GOD I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS TO MYSELF ANYMORE. I need to wait & do this challenge with the allergist, but I KNOW she'll say it's "nothing to worry about"-- I'm not wheezing, or breaking out in visible hives, or actively throwing up. But I feel like I could hit that point any second. This is legit hell. It's like the UPMC chocolate milk. I'm so tired of literally feeling like I am dying every single bloody time I eat these foods. God what do I even do. I cannot force myself through this again tomorrow. I need a break. It's the weekend. I get to eat a gyro & TWO english muffins & TWO FLOUNDER. I want to ENJOY IT WITHOUT SHAKING IN TERROR OVER MEETING THE GRIM REAPER AT SNACKTIME. I cannot deal with this, not yet at least. Everything itches so much. My head feels like helium. I'm so, so scared. This is making me want to quit eggs now, too. I'm so tired. I thought this was over. I WANT IT TO BE OVER. I NEED THIS TO STOP. I need to see if I get these symptoms WITHOUT eating soy. Maybe I should go without eggs, too, & see if that helps. God I NEED to talk to my allergist. I NEED SOLID DIRECT ANSWERS. What is happening to my body?? Why do I feel like SOBBING? The constant fullbody itching is one thing; this MOOD nosedive is another thing entirely, and THAT'S TERRIFYING TOO. I feel like I'm falling apart and ALL I DID WAS DRINK SOYMILK. I want to weep. I feel utterly helpless. I feel TRAPPED. I want to just give up eating altogether & sleep for days. I'm sorry. NO MORE SOYMILK. And maybe even NO EGGS EITHER. I can't deal with another day of this. I want to feel OKAY. Not itchy. Not confused & lost & helpless. Not SICK & SCARED. Allergies are literally demonic. I wish there was a cure for this. I feel like the world is crumbling. This body feels broken. God I hope I can sleep it off. AT LEAST I TRIED TO EAT IT!!! YOU CAN'T CALL ME A COWARD.