the spectrum heart cathedral system

✳ ACCEPT MYSELF AS I AM, WHILE WORKING TOWARDS SELF-IMPROVEMENT!! "AND," NOT "BUT" = NOW VS. IDEAL NOT OPPOSED OR IN CONFLICT!! "BOTH/ AND" = "I'm angry with you AND I still love you" (DIALECTICAL) FULL SPECTRUM!! ♥ (+INSIDE OUT 2 TEAM)
✳ "WRITE THE FIRST DRAFT" = STILL AN ACHIEVEMENT, IN ITS IMPERFECTION! "EVERY STEP IS AN ACHIEVEMENT IN ITSELF" AS WE GROW = yes you CAN get to level 100, but being at level 5 isn't bad! Level 6 IS a legit good thing! And so is every step from 6 to 100! "Perfection" ISN'T the GOAL, it's the ROAD ITSELF!

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So I JUST got off a PROFOUNDLY IMPACTFUL & IMPORTANT PHONE CONVERSATION WITH MOM, and she brought up SEVERAL ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL POINTS that we NEED to discuss & reflect/ journal upon =
1) THE "HIDDEN CHILDHOOD TRAUMA" = WHY I'M STILL TERRIFIED OF GOING UP THE HOUSE?? WHAT HAPPENED? WHY DO WE HAVE SO MANY TERRIFIED PAIDIFONI?? WHAT IS HIDING BENEATH THOSE FLOORBOARDS?? WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHY WE ARE SO SCARED OF OUR CHILDHOOD!!!
1.5) JULIE IS NAMED AFTER OUR CLASSMATE AND WE FORGOT THAT. THAT WAS ON PURPOSE!! THAT PROVES THAT WE WERE SUFFERING FROM BULLYING/ TORMENT AT SCHOOL, WHICH MOM ATTESTS TO, EVEN THOUGH WE DON'T REMEMBER IT. TAKE THIS REVELATION VERY SERIOUSLY.
2) "ANAESTHESIA HONESTY" = apparently POST-SEDATION, I ACT "LIKE MY REAL SELF" = the CREATIVE, IMAGINATIVE, FIERY, SPARKLE-EYED ME!! "WHO I WAS AS A CHILD"!! I WANT & NEED TO BE THIS TRUE-SELF 24/7, NOW. The OBSTACLE is SCRUPULOSITY: "MINIMIZING" MY LIFE, "CONDEMNING" MY GIFTS AS "SILLY" OR "SELFISH," NOT LETTING MYSELF SHINE & LAUGH & CREATE BEAUTIFUL THINGS & SHARE THEM WITH JOY!!! MY PURPOSE IN LIFE IS TO BE ME, WITH ALL THE CREATIVE PASSIONS & GIFTS THAT GOD GAVE ME!!! I WANT MY LIFE TO BE A GIFT OF PROLIFIC BEAUTY. I WANT MY OBITUARY TO SAY THAT I LIVED MY LIFE FULLY & WAS A FORCE OF HOPE & LIGHT & JOY & LOVE BECAUSE I INVESTED MY TALENTS WELL. GOD GAVE ME THESE LEAGUEWORLDS FOR THAT REASON. GET TO WORK THEN, WITH LOVE!!
3) THE BOYS ASK ABOUT ME. THEY APPARENTLY ALWAYS ASK ABOUT ME. THEY CARE ABOUT ME. THEY WORRY ABOUT ME. THEY MISS ME. I MATTER IN THEIR LIVES!! YOU IDIOT YOU'RE THEIR BIG SISTER, OF COURSE THEY WANT YOU IN THEIR LIVES STILL!! But... they haven't approached me, or spoken to me, BECAUSE OF THE EATING DISORDER AND THE D.I.D. They literally think I'm STILL JUST AS CHAOTICALLY SPLITSWITCHY AS WE WERE IN ~2015. ...and I really haven't been a part of their lives SINCE. That's HORRIBLE. That's HEARTBREAKING. It's TRAGIC and FOR THEIR SAKES WE/I NEED to do TWO BIG THINGS: first, GET OUR COLLECTIVE ASS UP THAT HOUSE & TALK TO EXCALIBUR. Even just LISTEN to HIM talk! But BE THERE, WHOLEHEARTEDLY!!! BE THERE AS YOURSELF, AS A REAL PERSON, NOT A "SOCIAL MASK" OR TRAUMATIZED BLUR. REMEMBER YOUR HEART, THE REAL JESSICA OF THE EARLIEST DAYS-- ASK UNISALIA, SHE'LL TELL YOU-- AND BE YOURSELF!!! THAT'S WHAT THE WHOLE FAMILY NEEDS FROM YOU. And second, START YOUR BLOG. TALK HONESTLY & OPENLY ABOUT BOTH THE D.I.D. & EATING DISORDER. SHARE YOUR STRUGGLES & INSIGHT. OPEN UP TO YOUR FAMILY. TELL THE TRUTH, & RE-ESTABLISH DIALOGUE & CONNECTION, WITH NO FEAR.

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WHAT IS THE FEAR SEPARATING US FROM CHILDHOOD??? That is the BIGGEST OBSTACLE to our recovery. If we CAN'T INTEGRATE the ABSOLUTE HISTORICAL FOUNDATION OF OUR PERSONALITY-- of MY PERSONALITY, the TRUE ME, the CORE of the System, the HEART, the "ONE" that the Spectrum SHINES OUT FROM & FOR-- then WE'RE SUNK, BRO. So this healing is TOP PRIORITY!
✳ A quick, vital clarification. "I" AM NOT "MULTIPLE PEOPLE." I AM ME. I AM THE HEART, the System EXISTS to GUIDE & PROTECT & HELP ME, AS THE CORE OF THE SPECTRUM, THE LIFE OF IT. But we have TWO BIG TRUTHS that we HAVEN'T FULLY INTEGRATED, or maybe even ACCEPTED yet--
1) THE TRUEST "HEART/CORE" IS THE "FIRST" JESSICA. And THAT IS ME!!! I NEED TO OWN THAT NAME, AS RIGHTLY BELONGING TO THAT "ME," NOT THE LATER CORRUPTED FONI!!! I AM JESSICA. I KNOW THAT and it's TRUE & it makes me REALLY HAPPY & I AM CREATIVE & GOOD & REAL and THIS IS THE "REAL ME," ALL THE WAY DOWN LIKE A DIAMOND. ...but I am ALSO "JEWEL." I HAVE A HISTORY WITH THE SYSTEM, TOO. TRUE LIFE, TRUE "RECOVERY," MEANS UNITING THESE TWO "HALVES" OF MY HEART AS ONE, WHOLE & COMPLETE, LOSING NOTHING. I NEED to be "BOTH AT ONCE," AS ONE. NO SPLIT, NO BREAKS!! I NEED & WANT TO BE MY "CHILD HEART" NOW AS AN ADULT. I NEED & WANT TO BE THE SAME FIRE & SPARKLE ME BOTH INSIDE & OUTSIDE, AROUND EVERYONE, NO HIDING OR DENYING! And on that note,
2) THIS BODY IS ME. READ THE CATECHISM BUDDY! IT'S BY GOD'S DESIGN. SO OWN IT. OWN YOUR BODY AND YOUR NAME. The System was born TO HELP YOU. They were GIVEN to yuo BY GOD as a GIFT; THIS BODY IS NOT "THEIRS"! It's YOURS. It's MINE, TO BE CHERISHED, and NOT EVEN MY BELOVED NOUSFONI HAVE A "RIGHT" TO INHABIT IT. I think THAT'S actually WHY GOD "STOPPED" THE FRONTSWITCHING. The Spectrum IS MEANT TO BE INTERNAL. Their job is NOT to "live MY life," it's to GUIDE ME AS I LIVE MINE-- which I do call "OURS" out of sheer love BUT IT'S TRULY MY BODY & NAME & FACE & FAMILY... AND HISTORY, And THAT is HARD to fully grasp yet. EVERY FONI IS FACTUALLY A "PART" OF MY SOUL. OUR "COLLECTIVE" HISTORY IS MY HISTORY, EVEN AS IT IS OURS, AND I HAVE TO "OWN" IT IN ORDER TO HEAL IT & FULLY RECOVER & MOVE ON. And THAT is the NEXT PART of our recovery journey, ESPECIALLY upon discharge. I CANNOT LIVE A "FULL LIFE" IF I WON'T ACCEPT MY FULL LIFETIME... AND MY FULLEST SELF-- to BE ME, WITH US, WITH MY FAMILY, WHOLE & REAL & TRUE.

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✳ The next DBT worksheets ALL INVOLVE CRISIS SITUATIONS & HOW EFFECTIVE WE ARE IN ACTION USING OUR DBT COPING SKILLS TO HANDLE DISTRESS AND LESSEN IT! So WHAT are the MOST LIKELY "CRISIS" EVENTS (TRIGGERS) THAT WE WILL ENCOUNTER UPON DISCHARGE, ESPECIALLY UP THE HOUSE/ IN PUBLIC??
(WE MUST "COPE AHEAD" TO BE ABLE TO MEET THESE CHALLENGES WISELY!!)
1) Getting LEGIT SICK from food, even "just" severe nausea/ reflux
2) Flashbacks during/ right before or after eating
3) "Invisible triggers" while up the house
4) Feeling trapped/ helpless/ imprisoned; no accessible/ ready escape
5) Being "stuck in public" in noisy crowded situations (fairs, malls)
6) Overhearing sexually evil conversation/ music/ TV
7) Seeing something sexually explicit
8) Sudden fighting/ arguments with risk of violence
9) Panic attack "chronological triggers" at night
10) Halloween/ Thanksgiving panic & flashbacks
11) "Interim panic" in apartment
12) Intense regret/ anxiety/ selfhatred over "wrong food choice"
13) ↑ Obsessing over "what food choice IS the right one"
14) Sensory overwhelm/ talking too much