prismaticbleed | tbhu worksheet = eating disorder monsters (Reply)

What are the various forms that your eating disorder takes for you?
(BINGE/ PURGE/ RESTRICT)

B1 = "TRYING TO RELIVE CHILDHOOD MEMORIES"
B2 = "I HAVE TO KNOW"/ "I HAVE TO GET NEW DATA"
B3 = INSATIABLE DESPERATE HUNGER "STARVED HEART"

P1 = FOOD FEELS INVASIVE; "NEED TO BE EMPTY/ PURE"; TERROR OF "FULLNESS"
P2 = ANXIOUS/ PANIC/ RAGE/ GRIEF VOMITING
P3 = "GET THE POISON OUT"

R1 = TOO BUSY/ "ALIVE" TO "RUIN/ INTERRUPT IT WITH FOOD/ EATING"
R2 = FASTING "HOLY/ STRONG/ PURE"
R3 = FEAR/ DISDAIN OF "EXCESS?" "STARVE" TO LOSE IT

+ "CONTROL WHAT GOES IN TO MY BODY"

How can these 'monsters' get in the way of recovery?
They are essentially "MUTATED/ DEFORMED" SURVIVAL/ COPING SKILLS. Recovery WILL involve facing & feeling things that perhaps ONCE WERE A THREAT TO MY LIFE & SAFETY (trauma echoes & triggers), and these poor monsters WILL show up to "TRY TO PROTECT ME/ ATTACK THE THREAT." They DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER; they really DON'T REASON THINGS OUT. They operate on SHEER REACTIVE EMOTION and they DON'T THINK of CONSEQUENCES OR the FUTURE! (In trauma, those DON'T EXIST; it's just 'SURVIVE RIGHT NOW')

How can separating the Eating Disorder Monsters from your Self be helpful?
They are DISTORTIONS of my values and they USE that to JUSTIFY/ EMPOWER themselves. When I ACTUALLY LISTEN to what their MOTIVES are, I recognize that they ARE MISDIRECTED, BUT they "HAVE A FOUNDATION" somewhere IN ME. But like my beloved Anxi taught us, "EMOTIONS DON'T GET TO DECIDE WHO I AM." Ultimately, I MUST CHOOSE according to MY TRUE VALUES and WHO I REALLY WANT TO BE. And I DON'T want to be bulimic, OR ruled by distorted emotions.

List someone or something that can help you 'defeat' each of these monsters.

B1 = WRITE ABOUT childhood memories you can access right now? Revisit OTHER childhood echoes (games, books, movies, art, PHOTOS?) (make PRESENT) (FEED YOUR INNER CHILD WITH LEAGUEWORK FUN!!)
+REACH OUT TO FAMILY/ COMMUNITY? Childhood is SEEKING "BELONGING" ("I'm WANTED")
+ARCHIVES? YOUR HISTORY AND ITS JOY/ LIFE AREN'T "LOCKED INTO FOODS"!! (LOVED)

B2 = YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW/ TRY EVERYTHING! You're ONLY doing that because you're SEEKING A SENSE OF IDENTITY & "POWER" IN EXPERIENCE/ KNOWLEDGE = "LIKE OTHER PEOPLE"?? BUT YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SAY NO TO THINGS AND IT IS OKAY TO NOT KNOW THINGS THAT OTHERS DO! THAT KNOWLEDGE WON'T BRING YOU CLOSER TO THEM, OR REVEAL YOUR TRUE SELF!

B3 = YOUR HEART, MIND, & SOUL ARE STARVING. You're seeking COMFORT, ENJOYMENT, MEMORY, ANSWERS, RECONCILIATION, CONNECTION, WONDER, ETC. IN EATING FOOD. YOU WON'T FIND IT THERE. TAKE TIME DAILY TO FEED YOUR SPIRIT! SATISFY YOUR INNER NEEDS! STOP REFUSING TO NOURISH YOUR EXISTENCE. GOD WANTS YOU TO BE ALIVE.

P1 = FOOD WAS CREATED FOR GIVING LIFE! It's NOT "foreign/ invasive/ alien"; it's MEANT FOR THE BODY. Practice CHOOSING/ AFFIRMING your FREE WILL & PREFERENCES when eating/ cooking? ASSERT/ EMPHASIZE YOUR AGENCY?
+ PURITY of HEART affects BODY! (MATT 15:17-18! "Purge" by CONFESSING/ JOURNALING? The FOOD isn't impure or evil!!)

P2 = PRACTICE COPING SKILLS IMMEDIATELY! STACK & VARY THEM UNTIL ONE WORKS-- AND IT WILL! Breathe, exert body, positive refocus, music/ movie, etc. EVEN just "distract: long enough to be ABLE to COPE/ THINK STRAIGHT/ CALM DOWN! (DON'T HURT/ ABUSE YOUR MIND & BODY EVEN WORSE BY PURGING! Be MERCIFUL!)

P3 = "FOOD ISN'T POISON, IT'S GOD'S CREATION & GIFT"; therefore DETACH FOOD FROM TRAUMA by RE-ASSOCIATING it with the LEAGUE/ DESCRIBING IT with GRATITUDE & BEAUTY!
+If certain foods DO make you feel sick/ off, TAKE MEDS if needed & OFFER IT UP. The FOOD ISN'T BAD!
(+TREAT YOUR BODY WITH DIGNITY/ HONOR/ RESPECT! FEED IT WITH HEALTH & CARE!)

R1 = "Food is FUEL for your body to KEEP working/ thinking/ creating!" "We NEED to eat REGULARLY, even just little bits, to PREVENT RELAPSE & to KEEP our COURAGEOUS & VIRTUOUS COMMITMENT to RECOVERY & HEALING"
+ Taking small "breaks" TO eat gives you SPECIAL THINKING TIME for NEW/ CLEAR IDEAS!

R2 = FASTING & FEASTING ARE BOTH HOLY & NECESSARY IN VIRTUOUS BALANCE! Starving yourself ISN'T "strength." Yes, fasting IS, but it's GOD'S STRENGTH & GRACE, NOT WILLFULNESS!! Plus, YOU CAN'T "FAST" IN HEAVEN, SO DON'T REJECT/ ISOLATE your soul HERE!!
(EMPTINESS ISN'T "PURITY" (OPEN HEART/ VULNERABILITY)! SIN IS "VOID"! FOOD IS OF EDEN/ HEAVEN (COMMUNION)! Eating IS GOOD!)

R3 = GOD is INFINITY is ABUNDANCE! YOU WEREN'T MADE TO BE A SKELETON. When you're thin & skinny, you have NO STRENGTH to HELP people, or even FUNCTION in LIFE! Your soul ISN'T "buried under fat"! Fat is GOD'S DESIGN TOO! Refusing to partake of God's gifts & thereby "shrinking to nothing" is HELLISH. YOU HAVE NO GOOD TO GAIN IN GETTING THINNER.

What three coping skills did you use to 'save yourself' from the Eating Disorder Monsters this week?

✳ I felt SO ANGRY & UPSET & AFRAID that I wanted to throw up; I practiced deep breathing & physical exertion to try to lessen/ let out the intensity, but the emotions were attached to THOUGHTS that I COULDN'T RESOLVE or handle. SO I went into the group room and CHOSE to "NOT BE A VIOLENT/ ANGRY PERSON", then "DISTRACTED" my mind by watching Moana with the group on the TV. That put enough distance between me & that triggering thought-event for me to "calm down" enough to not rage or weep anymore.

✳ Right now I feel TOO FULL & ASHAMED & GUILTY & SELF-LOATHING. I KEEP PUSHING TOO MUCH FOOD and I HATE it, I WANT to eat LOW VOLUME FOOD but I KEEP PUSHING STUPID MENU CHOICES "IN THEORY" WITHOUT CONSIDERING PRACTICALITY. Like "I HAVE to eat TWO SERVINGS OF POTATOES BECAUSE I ALLEGEDLY LIKE THEM, RIGHT??" like if I DON'T, it's WRONG/ DISHONEST. And I REGRET THAT FORCING SO BLOODY MUCH. I HATE EATING SO MUCH. But I'm doomed until Tuesday. God please help me get through this.
How am I coping right now. I'm literally just committed to NOT vomiting. ONE instance IS a relapse. It "resets" the "clean count." I WON'T GO BACK. And my second commitment is to do 100% EVERY MEAL, EVEN IF IT IS TORTURE. This is my PURGATORY. And, I want to SHOW by my ACTIONS that I AM WILLING to get better & do what needs to be done.
...Which is why I'm so upset about discharge planning. I'm TERRIFIED of doing Partial again, with the forced 7 HOURS ON CAMERA every day. I'm afraid of feeling so trapped & controlled & helpless & WATCHED. Plus having to "CHOOSE to TORTURE-FORCEFEED MYSELF, ON CAMERA, AT THEIR DEMAND," is TRAUMATIC.
...But MUST I do it? If I say "no," am I DISOBEYING GOD? Am I BEING BAD/ UNCOOPERATIVE/ SELFISH by NOT wanting to suffer that hell again?
How do I cope?
Breathe. Trust God. Use this scary interim moment to practice patience & radical acceptance. This-- NONE of this-- can, or will, last forever. There WILL be peace & quiet, solitude & rest & comfort.
Do your time bro. This IS the restitution you prayed for.
You stomach is an altar. Your body is a temple. Your heart is a fire. Your spirit is safe in God.
One day all of this pain & fear & misery WILL end, and on that day you WILL be GRATEFUL for it ALL, because it GAVE GRACE & VIRTUE THE SPACE TO FLOURISH.
Your body will, too.
Don't give up, warrior of love. God IS with you.
This, too, shall pass.