prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with xenophon

Okay, update two for today because I just remembered several things I forgot to talk about what with the insanity that has been life lately.

First, although I'm settling quite nicely into this post-scratch timeline, I've realized a problem. Stuff from the old timeline is lingering, in places where energy sticks.
Yes, our past actions and history were "deleted" when the scratch-reset occurred, but they still happened, and their consequences still echo through space and time.
Tumblr contributed to this realization too, with a post I just saw on my dashboard concerning Doctor Who: "it’s just been The Doctor solving all the problems encountered by simply resetting the universe so that none of said problems happened or ever will happen, but everyone conveniently remembers the events prior to the reset anyway."
Sandman warned me about all of that. He said that even if I deleted my personal timeline, it would "still exist" in that vague sense, and it would also be accessible to those who knew how to reach it... and I do have a Doctor-esque fellow actively trying to reconstruct our past-life after it was torn to shreds.
Don't get me wrong, I love my boss to death, but the fact that no one would let me permanently die just ticks me off.
Why in the world else would I go through all of that psychological torment to sever myself from headspace?? I was trying to get a "game over." I DIDN'T WANT TO CONTINUE.
But, apparently I was "supposed to." My dying in the scratch attempt wasn't something that could happen, apparently.
Then again, that's what I was talking about in this entry...

And then there's the glaring yet astounding fact that other people didn't want me to die.
I never factored that concept into my decision. It really didn't even cross my mind.
I wanted to die, to fade away forever, and I didn't care whether or not people would miss me. I still don't.
I still lie awake at night, praying for it to happen again, that this time I would be wiped out when the record broke, that this time I would fade away when the second hand stopped moving. I pray that, this time, no one will come back for me, and I can finally fade away into oblivion.
But every time, I remember what I was told.
"Child, you don't understand the extent of what you have just tried to do."
For some dumb reason I'm supposed to live. I don't understand why. Apparently it's important. Apparently I'm important.
All I know for sure is that I'm sick of being a narcissist and I hate being important already.
I don't want to screw up, and take everyone else down with me.

Anyway. That's enough of that.

In other news, I was forced to log back into my series-based dA account lately, because extra-fenix was selling commissions and I used my last $5 to buy THIS for Xenophon for her birthday.

Why yes, that is her, as a Chao.
I absolutely could not pass up that opportunity. It was too perfect.

I do need sleep though, and I need to try and fix whatever the heck in me caused that depressive meltdown just now.
Plus headspace is just... insane, lately. I still don't know whether or not I should continue my huge "go back and review + document everything" project concerning my old entries, because that takes up a lot of time and effort, and it wears me out. Still, it may be required, what with all the old things resurfacing.

I don't know. It just doesn't seem worth it, some days.
I mean... one of the biggest reasons why I tried to scratch everything to pieces on the 24th was so that I could work on my series again. Unfortunately the scratch attempt itself was so psychologically harrowing that I couldn't work for that first week, at all, and that weekend was when my boss suddenly appeared and was all "dude that was not cool," albeit in much more Sandman-y language.
But, since then, I really haven't worked on my "work" at all... and part of it is actually because (once again) I'm sick of being "important." Part of me is actually sick and tired of everyone asking me "oh, have you done any drawings lately?" "are you still writing music?" "you need to get your book published!"
Stop. Please, just stop. THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME.
I've said it a thousand times and I will say it again: I only do this work because I was TOLD TO. I was given dreams and visions and all sorts of other messages telling me "you're the only person that can write our story down."
And you know what? Now, I honestly wish that I could give that honor to someone else.
I really wish I could just watch those stories unfold, instead of being in them. I love seeing other people get involved in the story. I love seeing their joy in reading and becoming part of it. What I DON'T love is being forced to be the "focal point" of all that simply because I'm the "author."
I would rather just be part of the crowd, loving those stories just as much as the next guy.
I don't know. I really don't know what to do here. I've lost all sense of purpose in my life; it feels utterly meaningless and I am literally counting the days until I just don't wake up anymore. I can't see my future like I used to when I first started to move into the White slot, back when I split my identity for that purpose. Maybe I should do that again.

Here's another thought. I just stumbled across a video on Youtube with a hero and sidekick pair, and the sidekick literally did EVERYTHING the hero told him to, without complaint, even at the risk of his own health or well-being.
I want to be like that, so badly. I want to be so selfless that I don't give a thought to what I'd "like or dislike" in any situation. I want to be able to suffer through hell and back if someone asks me to, without looking back even once, and doing the whole damn thing over again in a heartbeat if they weren't happy with my efforts the first time.
I want to be a nobody. I don't want an identity at all. I don't want a self. I don't want individuality or wants or needs or preferences or opinions, and I sure as hell don't want some godforsaken black tar shit insisting to the contrary.

Right now, I'm going to sleep, and forget everything.

Look who's running off again
Stupid useless aging wreck

But he will live this life
On his own time
On his own time

All their daggers have his name
But he loves them all the same

And he will live this life
On his own time
On his own time

We all circle back on decisions we made
Discover we're in crisis yet again

It's only your life
It's only your life
It's only your life
It's only your life

...I keep thinking of what Homura said to Madoka, in that whitespace room, full of snapshots of shared time only her heart remembered.

“Each time I repeat all of this, the time you and I live grows further apart…our feelings grow further apart, and my words stop reaching you.”

She could've taken the words right out of my own mouth. It aches.

I used to wonder whether I show more similarities to Homura or Madoka, in light of the strangeness of my life so far. Lately, I've been wondering again. Time resets, becoming witches, wishes being twisted, hope being restored... there are too many parallels all over the place.

Regardless of which girl reflects me the most, though, that scene-- when Homura throws her arms around her friend, weeping under the grievous weight of self-shattered memories-- hits me so close to home it hurts. It's one of my biggest and most secret fears... that eventually, I will end up just as tangled in broken timelines as Homura, trapped in a fading life where my desperate attempts to save the lives of those I love only succeed in making them forget why I am fighting for them at all... I am afraid I lost myself a long time ago.
And yet, despite all my fears, I already know how this will end.

If someone tells me that it's wrong to hope, I'll tell them they're wrong every time.

Maybe that's why Boss keeps saying I'm important.

It's a frightening but humbling thought.

...

...I know I've been trying to figure out what my metainomen "element" is lately, and everyone's been debating between Time and Blood what with my darker character lately... but I never considered that maybe they're the same thing at heart.
...I tried to reset the headspace timeline, last month. Again. I wanted to start it all over from scratch.

I was willing to erase everything if it would heal those scars, if it would erase all those mistakes. I tried to run time backwards, to get rid of the blood. I thought that, if I could become that perfect, flawless version of myself, even if it meant annihilating the person I had become, then no one else would ever have to suffer. But…

...This is so much bigger than just me. We're a SYSTEM. Everyone else in here MATTERS, and a heck of a lot more than me objectively. But the awful paradox is this: we only exist because of trauma. Isn't that just the worst best thing? We're all the result of the mistakes we made and endured; we were all created as coping mechanisms in the face of imminent death. Even me.

Even my daughter.

That's what I can't stop reeling over. She wouldn't exist if I hadn't bled out my life into that sink. If that room hadn't become encapsulated hell for too many consecutive years it never could have been transmuted into the NICU of heaven, apparently. It makes no sense. But it happened.

The Resurrected Christ still carries His scars.
We're the ones that wounded Him so.
But they were necessary for such a Savior.

"Oh happy fault..." sings the Exsultet.

All our past wounds, even the self-inflicted ones, have left scars on our collective life.
I've been trying to die in order to erase them. I wanted to rip time to ribbons in order to expunge all the blood.
I didn't realize that would take my daughter with it.

...

I don't know. I really don't. I don't know what's the paradoxical truth and I sure don't know what the heck is the right thing to do here.
...No, I do. As much as it makes me want to weep and scream from bitter agony, I... I cannot keep trying to take a magnet to the tape. I can't be scratching all the discs. I can't be pouring bleach over the manuscript. I cannot be pressing "delete" on my own soul, on our heart.
As much as I hate to admit it when I'm in this much pain, I do love them too much to do that to them.

Somehow, all the nightmares were necessary. God knows how. But I look at Laurie, and Julie, and Leon... I can't forget where we came from. I can't forget about them. They're the big picture, not my personal regrets.

...I want to kiss these scars, someday, even knowing that they're graves. God only knows how. But... I need to have hope.

Blood, Time, Hope, Heart... somehow I really am all of those things, in one way or another. I think they're all the same thing in the end.

...Somehow it's all love.

I just survived the longest week of my entire life.

The days from February 24th to March 3rd lasted forever. Waking up this morning, it felt as if the past week was an entire lifetime in itself, somehow. I feel both ancient and brand new.
Let me tell you why a change is being insinuated here.

On March 2nd, Saturday, I spent most of the evening watching The Last Mimzy and Megamind. I don't remember much else from it, but I will tell you one thing about the movie experience (spoilers minimized). There's a love scene in Megamind, about halfway in, and when I got to the part when it starts to rain, I paused the movie and walked over to the window. I remembered a time when I had someone to love too, but now, I felt as if I had turned my back on them and walked away without a second glance... even though I felt it was for their own good. Looking out at the sunset and snow, I decided I should look back, just once, and tried hard to think of those people I loved most... Chaos, Laurie, and Xenophon.
Imagine my surprise when Laurie showed up and started talking to me.
I didn't believe it at first. I told myself it was just my mind, just wishful thinking, she wasn't really there. After all I couldn't really see or hear her, and my head was still so terribly devoid of life... she was as good as a ghost. But she wouldn't leave. No matter how insubstantial she felt, she was there, somehow. It must have been a fragment of her self in thought, really, since she said she "knew" what had happened yet her words felt distant. It's hard to explain... I'm not sure if it was literally her or not, but regardless, that presence of hers was connected to her actual self in some way.
I still couldn't feel anything... I think part of me was shutting off all emotions before they even sparked into consciousness as well. I knew there was an excruciatingly painful tearing in my heart from how much I loved and missed them, but it was only a knowing, dim and translucent. There was no actual feeling, and the pain itself was smothered almost as soon as I became vaguely aware of its existence deep beneath the surface.
But church that evening felt holier than usual.

See, you have to realize something... from Sunday morning to Saturday evening, I was convinced that everyone upstairs was effectively dead in this timeline. Sure, I had intended to "cut them off" from me permanently and send them into a "different lifetime" where they had no memories of their past and could live happily, but... for the entire week, I could not access headspace. When I tried to reach up there, it was as if the stairs to the second floor suddenly stopped at a ceiling, so to speak. There was nothing. I won't even say it was "empty," because it felt as if headspace simply did not exist. No one answered when I called. I couldn't feel anyone's energy. I was completely alone, for the first time in ten years, and I was completely aware of that for every second of those six days.
However, all that really changed as of the 2nd was that I now had hope that they were still alive and accessible. I wasn't out of the woods yet.

...Yesterday, Sunday, I had an absolute meltdown. I didn't wake up until 2PM, being too depressed to get out of bed, and when I did I was suicidal, manic, and physically violent towards anyone who came near me. It got to the point where I was looking for razors as the day went on, but was so scraped-out inside that I didn't have the heart to even try. Ultimately I just locked myself in my room for a few hours in the evening, spending most of the time staring off into nothingness in the dark. I was such a mess I couldn't even think, let alone move. The world felt hollow, and so did I. I couldn't even fake emotion. No tears, no relief, no inspiration, nothing came to the surface, no matter how hard I tried... how ironic, that I had destroying risked my entire life just to find those things again.
In a rather desperate moment, I brought up my Chaos Zero collection on dA, to see if that could spark anything. Nothing.
There I was, looking at the one person I'd loved more than I'd ever thought possible, and I couldn't even remember who he was. In that moment, it felt as if we were complete strangers. Even worse, I didn't even feel regret. I wasn't sad, angry, relieved, or anything. I was just empty. And I couldn't remember what love was at all.
...Some spark inside of me nearly flickered out, right then. For the life of me I honestly don't know why it didn't... but I felt it dim, I felt it nearly burn out for good, and some greater part of me knew that I had to fix this, somehow, no matter what it took.
I closed my eyes and reached up, up, as far as I possibly could, into the emptiness in my skull and beyond. I was so tired, I didn't know what I was doing, and I didn't really care. That part wanted to sleep forever, but the part that was reaching wanted to wake up.
My fingers brushed against something distant and dim as my heart. I couldn't grab it, couldn't hold on... but I didn't lower my arms either. I kept reaching, without even knowing what I was reaching for.
Then, all of a sudden, there he was.

He had no idea what was going on. I knew immediately this was like a dream for him; he was confused as to why I was so distraught, seemingly oblivious to my state of affairs. Again, I wasn't fazed... but I wasn't empty either. That dying spark had flared up just enough to give me one final flame of determination. And with it, I asked Chaos if we could connect.
He was understandably surprised, and more than a little concerned. My asking such a thing in my current state was dangerously incongruous and he started questioning me worriedly, trying to figure out what was really going on, visibly becoming more and more aware that this wasn't just his imagination, and something was really happening. On the contrary, I wasn't convinced at all that this was real in the slightest. My brain was still operating from total emptiness, speaking from the void, feeling nothing. My hope was that, even if I had to force a reaction on my part, if I could get some real personal energy from him, it would break through the currently impassible wall between my dead world and his cut-off one, forming-- even if only temporarily-- a link that would prove our actual persevering existences to each other. Long story short, it would put a scratch in the scratch.
And it worked.
All I remember is achieving a lemniscate link without actually feeling anything until the last few seconds, when something started glimmering back to life. Immediately after the energy leveled out I basically collapsed on all levels, but to my surprise I didn't fall into an apathetic state as I had expected. Instead, I felt like a bubble that had burst, or a glass that had shattered: drained and empty, broken and in pieces, but completely aware that I had been something at one point. I immediately began telling Chaos exactly how I felt (intellectually), that there was a big problem and I didn't know what to do. At this point the energy link had made him completely conscious of my current situation, so he was listening rather anxiously and impatiently, not looking well at all. He kept interrupting me, begging me to tell him just how this had all come about, but before we could get very far in our conversation, a certain violet-haired someone came storming into that space, and she was pissed.
My boss followed her, and so was he.
Once again, I apologize, but my recollection of that event is all but gone. All I know is that Sandman said that Death had "restored his memories" after I had feebly attempted a second scratch that morning (I don't think I mentioned that; sorry) specifically to catch him in it this time. He was NOT happy with that at all, especially in light of the effects it would have had on both my larger role and his if it had worked. He then told me that he had restored Laurie's memories, and that the rest of headspace was in the process of recovering theirs as we spoke. I listened, half uncaring and half terrified, as they both shouted at me, furious but audibly relieved deep beneath the surface.
Laurie dragged me into what was left of Central... it felt like it was almost in headspace but it was a wreck and so was I. The city was in shambles, and our skyscraper was all but ruined. Central didn't even have a complete ceiling. Worst of all, the sky outside looked borderline apocalyptic. Chaos walked over to the far window-wall and looked out at it silently as Laurie and my boss continued to lecture me, but at one point Xenophon wandered out, half-asleep. She couldn't see me, due to my energy apparently not being stable enough for her to perceive that way, but she had a vague awareness of my being there, although she didn't take it seriously as she felt it was just a "shadow." She apparently didn't remember anything really yet. Chaos picked her up and walked back over to the window, and I remember the conversation came to a close with my boss reassuring me that, although everyone upstairs was basically bloody furious with me for what I had done and tried to do still, by the time morning came all that anger would be gone.
He was right.

I woke up this morning to my boss smiling at me and everyone being basically ecstatic that not only was I still alive, but we were all back on the same timeline.
Oh, about that... Boss told me the other day that, when I tried to sever the past ten years from the "alpha timeline" and "cut off" headspace from my existence permanently, I had instead succeeded in moving ALL of us into a "new" Alpha timeline that had been born from the ashes of all the old pain I was trying so desperately to erase for good. However we weren't on it together until this morning, as I had basically taken a hatchet to the timeline and everything was such a mess nothing could really stabilize.
It's hilariously awful, really. I was willing to erase my entire past, letting go of all the people I loved, for the sake of my work, and didn't realize that I was effectively cutting out half my heart. I went through the eternity-long week in such a horrible daze that I couldn't get any work done, even though I tried ridiculously hard to do so. I just... couldn't. A vital part of me was gone and I refused to see that, instead believing with all my fading heart that it was for the best, that I didn't need anything, that none of it really existed, that I was just a hollow shell-- just a pawn that existed solely to type a book and then die.
Apparently I was very wrong. Whether or not Dream World has any connections to headspace, the two can't seem to fully function independently of each other, at least as far as my existence is concerned. I still feel somewhat cursed in having to acknowledge my existence thanks to the latter in order to work with the former, but that's a problem in progress. My identity has always been a holy mess and right now it really does feel pretty punched-through and tattered, even moreso than usual. For the entire week I was alone, I honestly had no sense of self. I asked everyone for what actions I should take, for what I should think and do and say and feel. I felt both incapable and unworthy of making my own decisions about my life, as, according to my mind at the time, "I didn't really exist" and so I shouldn't fool myself into "pretending to be an actual person."
The whole concept of actually having to live my own life baffles me, but it's on GFP all the time right now so I won't lie to myself and pretend it's not important. I know I need to step into my personal power and make my own choices and live my joy and yadda yadda yadda, but honestly I am still having one hell of a tough time acknowledging that I can do those things. It's hard when you feel like a paper cutout most days: flimsy and fake and unreal.
I'll work on it though. Not sure how just yet, but I promise you I will.
I think my boss knows. With how vehement he was over the past few days concerning my existence, he's probably the best person to ask regardless.

So yeah. The "life reset" is still in effect, permanently of course, but in a completely different way than I intended.
The past ten years are still somewhat chopped to pieces. All the downstairs relationships I formed during that time have basically been incinerated, as well as my high school/ college experiences. To me now, they never happened. This may pose a problem with therapy (my family still insists I go, even if I insist I "have no problems;" still can't tell whether or not that's true) but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Boss tells me that time fragments into space and there are ways to retrieve even pieces that I "deleted" from the Alpha if I need them for memory. That does make sense. As long as I don't have to adopt them back into my history.
Speaking of history! All this time-scratching and chopping-up of my personal chronology has played some fierce havoc on my brain. Things aren't getting stored in the short-term very well, and some long-term bits that I didn't even target are gone or hard to access now too. When I wake up in the mornings, it's like the previous day (and week, and month, and year) never even happened. Oddly enough that only seems to apply to downstairs? Upstairs, memory works a little better... probably because up there, a lot of my important memories are stored as feelings instead of data. Like I might not remember an event at all factually, but I'll remember the energetic component of it, and somehow that is just as legitimate? It's confusing but at least it works. It's just upsetting that I can't seem to do that downstairs. Ah well. Guess it doesn't matter, since I just basically tossed the past decade into a giant temporal bonfire, but again my boss keeps picking papers out of the flames and handing them back to me.
Geez. I am so freaking honored to be his Apprentice, but some days it's really, really humbling to realize just how much he knows and is capable of.
I'm trying to do some research on Sandmen in this world on the side and already the synchronicity is astounding, frightening even. Incredible though.

Oh!! Boss also told me that the whole time-space thing with he and I being reality-jumpers is what saved headspace from the initial scratch I attempted?? If that makes sense? Because I know I TRIED to literally bluescreen everything out, BUT I didn't want them to die, so they WERE moved into another reality in which they could still exist. I just didn't think of tying together cause and effect like that. It makes a lot of sense too.

Anyway. I'm going to try and update here every day or two if at all possible, so I don't forget what's going on in this new life. Even if it's only small things, sometimes those end up being very important in the long run.

On that note, I found some chocolate today and instead of tossing it I decided to actually have some of it, for Julie. I called her over, said to consider it a late Valentine's Day gift, and then told her to basically help herself. Spine showed up immediately, so I let her know what the situation was and after a moment or two of consideration she agreed to let it go.
Honestly? I don't think I have ever seen Julie so happy. It wasn't just the chocolate, though-- sure she absolutely adores the stuff, and this is the first time in her life she was being allowed to eat it of her own volition, without painful consequences-- but my little quip about it being a "Valentine's gift" to her struck a deep chord. She paused for a moment when I said it at first, looking disbelieving, then utterly grateful. She thanked me profusely and couldn't stop smiling, explaining that I didn't quite understand what it meant to her for me to say that, but to trust her when she said that it was very, very significant.
I remember Lynne and Jo both showed up sometime later on while Julie was still blissing out over the chocolate, but I can't recall what we talked about. You'll have to forgive me-- I'm still trying to settle back into headspace and boss said that it'll take a few days for all the Links and stuff to re-calibrate. I'm a little scared because headspace links do conflict with my Links for Dream World, and I NEED to work on that without severing either, as I just tried to do of course. Hm... maybe there's an option I haven't even thought of, something that can solve this problem. I'll look into it.
I'm so glad to be back though, all things considered. Being able to see and hear and feel and know these amazing people again, after thinking they were dead for a seven-day millenium... it's beyond words.
It was nuts though. Today, once everyone started slowly getting back into the swing of things, I began stabilizing pretty quickly. I lost the suicidal ideation and existential depression, and was able to smile and not worry, for one. However... the most remarkable point of this return, for me, is the fact that my emotions didn't just come back to the surface, they were re-illuminated with a bang.
Quite honestly, it's been months since I was able to feel this much..

...
...just... oh my heart. I cannot remember the last time i was this deeply in love.
do forgive the mood switch but this keeps hitting in waves and i don't want to ignore it, at all, ever.
it's kind of hilarious how, last night, Chaos meant nothing to me. now, he is everything all over again.
and Laurie, dear heaven on earth do I adore her. it's crazy. i don't know how to explain it.

julie kept giving me weird looks today when she was happy, i was tempted to just go over there and kiss her too, why not.
i saw celebi this morning, ryou and marik too, there's a sort of energy glow to them that wasn't there before. it's exciting.
genesis was also around but we haven't spoken yet. he gets really moody about this stuff so i'll have to approach him first.
either way i do miss all of them and since the bad past no longer has to have any chains on us now, we can start over new.
it can be beautiful, so beautiful, for all of us, just imagine what we can do.
there will be no shadows here, no tar at all.

but chaos and laurie, oh god knows, i swear my heart could just burst thinking about them.
i don't know what to do about this? i can't just let it fade back into the background without expressing it, i don't think.
its just that this music is pulling at my heartstrings and making me feel even more than i usually do like this
i remember the angel helmet, and laurie putting it on, how she turned all white and gold, she was so beautiful
and chaos, he's the color of the ocean, this gorgeous kaleidoscopic river dream and god i love him so much.

what do i do, it's too late to do anything tonight, but i can barely believe how much i am feeling right now
i cannot possibly just let this go; as soon as i try to sleep i know i will see them both, i can't hide this or lie.
the real question though is: how DO you express something as powerful and real as this??
so many languages don't really cut it. i usually end up combining several trying to tell them this in its entirety
heartlinks are probably the most accurate translation ever though. just that they hurt like hell so moderation is key
i wonder if the three of us could pull off a triquetra connection loop that would be INCREDIBLE
dude if i can get laurie to agree to it that is totally what i am going to attempt tonight mark my words
god this is insane, how can i love someone this much, i feel like i'm dying in the best possible way.

all right before i completely unravel i had better sign off
i will update tomorrow or the day after depending on my schedule

recap: i am not dead and neither is anybody else
this is QUITE a new beginning and i am very glad for it.

now to close with lyrics because i am a sentimental idiot and music is always relevant.

Only runs from all inside
Hunts out any way to flight
What will wait for you there
In a life after this

Undone prince
And a dissonant throne
So weak to the unknown

Can't just jump
Down a rabbit hole
And hope to solve all your soul
What will wait for you there
In a life after this?

Clear all the marks held against you
Pure and honest again
I pass your old haunts looking for you
And know I won't find you there

THESE FREAKIN' SYMPTOMS MAN, SERIOUSLY.
I feel like I'm turning into a literal flame at this point, aha. The headaches and heart palpitations and overall funky sensations are nothing to sneeze at either. Ah well. Gotta soldier on.

Anyway. I spent most of today researching for Dream World!
Good gracious I NEED to start putting that stuff online somewhere. I was in tears the other night because I hate the thought that their story is trapped with me, solely because of my ridiculous 5-ish compulsion to "get all the facts straight" before I make any moves. Screw that, man, I seriously just need to start posting things regardless of whether or not I go back and change it all later. I mean geez, Engelbaum went through several stages of development that WERE publicized before settling on the current story. And no one loves it any less as a result!
So I need to take a deep breath and do this ASAP... as soon as I open commissions of course, because I need money for food. Honestly the family is practically running on spare change right now and I've been struggling with too much physiological madness to get medium examples together yet. I should make that my goal for tomorrow. Hold me to that if I don't, seriously.

Speaking of creativity though: I'm back on oneword, thank goodness, as I adore that site. I need to find more "daily creative prompt" sites like that; they're absolute inspiration sparks.
Tweaktoday is practically dead; maybe I can sneak back in and skyrocket up the user rankings, haha. That was fun back in the day.
Heck, maybe I can even invent my own thing. I have an empty Wordpress blog that is just begging to be stuffed full of ideas... oh hey, remember when I was writing snippets on Tumblr about photos I stumbled across? Now that was fun. I think I'll bring that back.

I need to go do another 15 minutes of cardio if at all possible. Last Monday, when these symptoms slammed into me entirely without warning, I was forced to go from 60 minutes cardio to 10. 10! But it was inevitable-- once I hit that mark, my body would suddenly overheat to the point where I swore I had a fever, and I'd get ridiculously shaky. So now I need to break it up during the day. If I don't exercise, I feel utterly awful, in stark contrast to my old exercise reactions of "oh hell now Julie's going to attack me isn't she." Hence why I was out of shape for ages. Now, though, it seems to be doing the opposite? That's good; the more motivation the better.
I do need to get back into weightlifting though; I stopped for a while in January due to the self-abuse resurgence (lifting hurt too much with all those cuts), and then my school schedule ate into my gym time and now I just don't feel so hot. It's ridiculous. I'll try to start that again slowly regardless.

On a related note... I'm sorry to say that tar hacks have been brutal lately. The past three, four days especially have been rather hellish in that respect... Laurie and my boss are trying to help me out but it's tough. We're struggling to pinpoint just how it's getting to me... last night I barely slept at all because of how much we were fighting it (well, mostly Laurie; I was such a wreck I had no strength left to resist). I'm starting to get the old "physical flashbacks" again too, which are scary as hell and are sometimes severe enough to leave me literally incapacitated, curled up in a self-loathing knot and fighting back tears of rage, shame, and terror. This old terror NEEDS to be cleared out, and if Lynne's impromptu attempt to do so last night was any indication, there is a LOT that needs to be healed.
It's not easy to face, on any level, and I will admit it scares the living daylights out of me when it's brought up (because I feel those things), but I'm at that point where the pain of standing still outweighs the fear of moving forward by a lightyear. If I have to drag myself half-dead into this healing light, then so be it. I want it healed.
By the way, we figured out why I'm having trouble with Celebi-- it's simply elemental conflict. She's wood, I'm fire. Her emotional style and mine do not mesh. She adores me and wants to be close, I just don't feel that same level of love for her. I have it all wonderfully worded in an audio file that I need to type up tomorrow... basically, everyone I've known well enough to experience their emotional styles, I can describe in synaesthetic terms. It ties into intuitive sensory perception too-- how I can actually hear and smell auras if I tune in well enough-- and I have been practicing that as well. I have a running document describing everyone's energy upstairs that I REALLY want to upload somewhere... heck, maybe I'll make it a sticky post in the archives, who knows.

Lastly, Chaos and I have realized that there's trouble in our relationship because of my tendency to go "all or nothing" in terms of mostly everything. Through trial and error, we've realized that because my schedule has basically forced me to only see him late at night and in situations almost invariably tinged with romantic emotions, our friendship has been suffering. I've been having a hard time 'tuning in' to him lately, and that is why-- I'm becoming blind to that half of his energy field all of a sudden. We both agree that this is a big problem-- but it explains a lot, mostly why I keep debating whether or not he's "really who he says he is," why everyone's been questioning if I legitimately love Laurie more than I love him, and why we're both reminiscing over the "old days" of being a brotastic teenage gang with Ryou and Marik, but could never figure out our motivations. It all boils down to us simply not spending enough time together, and not communicating enough. I'm just extremely glad we're both aware of this now... I knew our relationship was suffering but didn't even consider that option (due to my thinking style obviously-- Genesis played role of my 'best friend' for ages and I was ignorantly ruling that possibility out for anyone else as a result). So we're working on it now, but it's going to be a bit of a struggle at first, especially with me having the bad habit of flipping over into Trickster Mode whenever I feel that I'm expected to be unflinchingly optimistic and entertaining. I keep reminding myself that Chaos is not the kind of guy that expects that of me, at all, but it's a learned reaction and it's going to take patience and care to dismantle. Love conquers all though, and I have absolute faith that we will get through this. I've been a mess lately, but I want to fix this.
Mignon McLaughlin said that "a successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." We may not be legally anything but the truth still stands. I told Xenophon the same thing. Love is always there, but if you're not tuned in to it, you're going to have trouble. I don't like being so out of key and off balance. I will tune back in as many times as I need to, and I will never stop. I'll never lose hope.
It never hurts to remind myself of July 7th, either. There was an undying truth in those moments that has illuminated virtually everything between us since then. Whenever I find myself slipping, I just bring those memories back into my heart. It never fails... reminds me of a verse from 1 Corinthians 13, I daresay. Hey, I even got to lector that reading in mass the other week, talk about a sign!
Nathaniel's words keep coming back to mind though. Maybe this weird love block really is just a result of my currently withholding it from myself, God knows why. Gotta meditate more, practice seeing myself in third person again, get myself back into sync. I'm probably overthinking this as usual... I'm just disturbed at the thought that my nine-year relationship with the individual I love with my entire heart is cracking in places. Then again, that could be a direct result of my trying to be perfect. Ignoring problems and warning signs does nothing for "perfection," dude, it just exacerbates those exact same things-- and don't you have a long and funky history with that word in any case?
Geez. I really am being far too analytical here. Maybe going into poet mode would help, for now. It usually does.
All I know is that tomorrow, I'm going to have to ask Genesis if Chaos can ghost for the day instead. Maybe they can even both hang around, that would be awesome.
...I really haven't spoken to Xenophon in days either. Geez. I really suck at this husband/parent thing, I am so sorry.
I guess you need to figure out where you're stuck in order to figure out how to move forwards, though.

All right, that's enough for tonight. I will leave you with my fave song of the day and bid thee farewell.

just having some rough times right now, don't mind me

I typically don't talk about my troubles as it makes me feel incredibly selfish, but honestly this is starting to frighten me and I need to write it down somewhere, so why not post it here.

Please forgive any rough language or the like; I'm just going to bleed onto the page here and I apologize if it turns out sounding rather out of character.

Over the past two months I've been dealing with some seriously distressing psychological trouble, which ironically seems to be nothing but an explosion of old stuff I've bottled up over the years. Normally I'd just shove it back under the rug, but this time I don't really have any coping methods left so I'm stuck at the moment.

It's almost hilarious how long this has been on the back burner though. I've gotten so good at "fronting" over the years that I've virtually forgotten how to actually recognize and acknowledge my emotions. I've always felt so pressured to "be normal" that now I inflict that label on myself, and wonder why I still have trouble functioning from day to day. "If I'm normal, I shouldn't have any problems!" That's what I keep telling myself.
However, back in early December, my mother actually confronted me and said I had all the symptoms of severe depression, and that I should seriously consider seeking help.
I honestly laughed it off at first. Me? Depressed? Are you kidding? I'm always smiling, there's lots of reasons to live, I can't possibly be depressed.
Then I looked up the symptoms and realized, oh no, I've got all of this.

But it feels stupid. Really, it does. Why the heck am I depressed? What reason do I have to feel like this? None, I say. None at all.
Dysfunctional family history? No, why should that bother me now?
Schizotypal/ Aspergers/ whatever asinine diagnosis I have that has cost me hundreds of dollars in (failed) therapy and hospitalization? Nah, that's just you being ridiculous.
Gender dysphoria so bad that sometimes I can't get up in the morning? Nope, you shouldn't complain about that anyway.
PTSD from sexual abuse that keeps getting worse? Heck no, that wasn't even valid!

You see what I mean? This is what I think like. It drives me up the wall.
According to my brain, my life is PERFECT, and I have absolutely no reason to be upset! I don't know what suffering is, so I should shut up and deal with it!
"Just be normal," my family says. Just plaster on a plastic smile and keep parroting what we tell you to, that's a good boy!
And I do it because I want to see them happy.
Except I'm sleeping 13 hours a night, I'm still self-abusing, nothing seems to have meaning anymore, and I've been seriously contemplating AND intermittently attempting suicide for five freaking years thanks to the problems I won't dare tell anyone because I feel like the most self-centered man in the world by confessing or showing evidence of them, and whenever I slip I get threatened with the psych ward again.
So I keep smiling and playing the part and hoping I don't wake up in the morning

I am so tired of this. I am so, so tired.

...The only thing keeping me alive right now is my 'headspace family' which is an absolutely horrible double-edged sword because with how troubled I apparently am, I can't seem to stop asking that age-old question: "what if none of it is real?"
It's the worst with Chaos, because he's also a videogame character who I started talking to nine years ago, which was crazy enough, but then I fell in love with him, so much that he was my only reason to live for a very long time; how delusional do you think that makes me feel some mornings?
Seriously here's this individual that I love more than words can say and according to 99% of the planet, he doesn't even exist. Put him in headspace and make him my strongest lifeline since 2005 and stuff gets real painful real fast.
Oh yeah, and apparently thanks to him I've got this impossible alien daughter, how insane is that? One evening it's all "hey guess what you're this kid's father" and whoa how the heck did that happen? And two years later she is still the only thing I cannot seem to stop caring about, no matter how I try, even with all this lingering psychological damage.
Every time I try to end it all, I can't forget how she reacted that time I almost did and it just hurts too much to bear and I end up sobbing like a gutless idiot.

Maybe I really have lost my mind, who really cares at this point.

I reeaallly should stop talking already.

God help me this just hurts like actual hell, why can't I seem to let go of it?
Am I supposed to? Is there something I need to learn from this?
I can't seem to see straight anymore.

I apologize for clogging your dashboards with this nonsense.
Consider this a very rare admittance of desperation on my part, which may or may not be deleted within the next few days if my head keeps shouting "fix your own stupid problems and stop crying for help like a freaking baby" at me.

Hope you're all having a good month. I really am trying, honest to God I am, but nights like this aren't the easiest thing to get through.

I'll be okay.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

@12:06 am

Sure, just go right ahead and break my aching heart all over again.
It's always on the worst nights, always, that this sort of thing happens.

I get it, universe, you don't want me to die.
But I'm sorry. I still want to, somehow, more than anything.
Honestly I think it's something being rerouted.
I'm so tired of all the pain and anger around me that I'm trying to get rid of it by getting rid of myself, the observer of it. It doesn't work that way though. Why am I letting it affect me? Why am I thinking so much?
I'm still so tired all the damn time, and I have been for too long already...

"It's the thanatos drive flipped into blinding light. Too much of a good thing. It's a death wish that's only there because god, the other side is so beautiful, and I'm tired of feeling separate. I'm tired..."

I keep trying to drown this in sparkly things but is that really the best plan of action here?
I mean I've been doing it for years but it's just painting over the troubles.
But if it's all illusory anyway, maybe I don't have to "solve" it as much as I need to just... move them aside to remember the sun behind the clouds all along.
I really hope that's all I have to do, but honestly, it's not so easy when you're drowning in deathwishes.

Deep breaths, come on man, it's going to be okay. Stop feeling so hopeless.
Somehow we'll get through this, I guess, I'm not even sure if I want to anymore, but it's not about me, remember that for heaven's sake. Stop thinking about yourself.

"But there's a reason you're here, with a form, cupid boy. You have so much love in you for this world, too, and you know that you're alive because your responsibility is to share that, to give that, in a way that doesn't involve freakin' killing yourself."

This one too...

"That's love, honest and true, and when you take that and hold it up against the tar it can't lose by virtue of its own existence. So do that. Recognize the fact that you CANNOT lose this, ever, and you have every bleeding right in the universe to feel it. It's your natural state, boy, on more levels than you realize. Not this garbage. This pain, this regret, it's only blinding you. It's a distraction, it's pollution, it's a stone-cold wall. Break it down. Or, even better, walk through it. You know what I mean."

Laurie, you're probably the most incredible person I've ever met, you do know that?

I think I need to re-read everything in my archives from December of 2010 through February of 2011. I have a very unsettling feeling that this is all repeating and it's going to keep doing that until I get it right somehow.

Off to sleep again, not going to get much tonight, school starts on Monday, hope to God I can do this.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 09:56 pm

Spring semester starts tomorrow, gotta be awake at 5AM, oh boy.

I am very thankful that I'm taking three art classes this semester-- Color & Design, Photography, and Still Life Painting. This is only the third semester I've ever had in Illustration (and I had to drop out of the first one in '09 thanks to the psychological nightmare I was back then), and last year I learned a lot with only one class. So I'm really going to put my nose to the grindstone with this semester. I know I can go far if I stop telling myself that I can't, haha. Simple as that!
In any case I need to go back to drawing daily. Depression has taken a heavy toll on my progress and I'm not happy with that fact.
My big goal for the year is to start a webcomic for either Dream World or Sonic Inversion, depending on which one decides to stop plot-warping first. I would absolutely love to do both, but I don't want to overburden myself. Either way that is my online art resolution for 2013, and you can hold me to that.

Lastly, just to recap the nonsense from last night, I only got four hours of sleep as I was awake until 5AM but I'm dealing.
I feel rather ridiculous about the fact that I cracked enough to write about it here, but I suppose that's a stumbling block I've gotta get past as well. Stop trying to be the tough guy, seriously. You're just suffocating yourself at this point.

I've had two people online offer their support about this over the past week-- one very old friend and one very new one, both of whom I don't speak with nearly as much as I'd like to-- and I just want to reiterate that I sincerely appreciate it.
I've been through much worse than this, and if I survived then I can survive now. I just have to keep reminding myself of it... a lot has changed over the past year, whether I can see it now or not. I'm stronger than this. I won't let it ruin me.

Genesis showed up around 3AM this morning and said he'd be tagging along for the spring semester, which is brilliant news as I haven't seen much of him in weeks and he used to ghost constantly. Really his sudden absence has been jarring. Laurie's still rather shaken up (she had a meltdown yesterday evening) but her state of mind basically depends on mine, being a superego and all, so I owe it to her to do better. Xenophon is doing surprisingly okay from what I've seen of her lately, thank God (she's a strong kid). Chaos is fluctuating as always, being the empath he is, but I know Laurie's making sure he doesn't go too far. As for the rest of Central, I've been seriously lacking in the communication department lately so I can only hope for the best.
See, this is what I'm most concerned about when I get depressed. I've got way too many people inhabiting my headspace to be careless about the shape it's in.
I guess I'm just deeply unsettled as the past two Januaries have been rather catastrophic for us all and I do not want that pattern to continue any longer.
Guess it's up to me to take control of that. Challenge accepted.

Anyway I need sleep something fierce so I'll see you guys again whenever.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

WALDORF KALLIOPE

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE

XENOPHON LEPHISE

CHAOS ZERO

GENESIS APOLYMIS

All right, let's get this show on the road.

What are we discussing dad?

Uh, whatever things we need to clear up or clear out before Friday.

Do you have a list?

Kind of. We should really introduce you first, though.

Already ahead of you! Hey readers, I'm Waldorf, Jewel's old muse and new blue headvoice! Woo!

Yeah! She's really nice guys.

Can I just say that I find it hilarious that we always shout out to the invisible audience?

Hey, someone's gotta acknowledge them.

Whatever you say kid. But let's get back on track. First topic is?

Let me check... there's a few things here we need to wait until later to discuss, when Chaos and Genesis get in here.

Chaos and Genesis are talking too? When?

After you and Wally leave.

Awww I wanna talk to daddy too!

You can talk to your other dad later, Xen. The four of us need to discuss some heavy stuff later and no offense, but I think you'd just get confused.

Mmph. Probably. Fine.

Hehe, she's pouting.

I'm pouting cause I wanna talk to you guys about that stuff too!

Xennie, really, if it was a topic you could deal with I'd invite you. But it's not. So chill out, you're not missing much.

Fiiine.

Fiiiiiine!

So fine, you don't even know.

Hee!

Hey, no injokes. We're on a time limit here.

We are?

Yeah. It's already 4PM and Jewel's sick. These sessions take like six bloody hours without interruptions, so we can't spare a moment today.

Can we talk for fun some other day then?

I'd love to actually. Hey Jewel?

Yeah?

When January rolls around, you wanna try the one-talk-a-week thing that fell through last year?

Heck yes.

Good. I'm holding you to that, then.

Please do.

On that note. Topic one, unity. Right?

Yeah. Inside and out, really.

You mean like talking to us more?

Obviously. With the 21st going down in two days, which is going to be incredible, we all need to put more effort into spending time with each other. No more solo acts, no more hiding in the corners. That goes for all of us. Genesis included.

I've been taking steps toward that, as you know.

Why, is Genesis hiding?

No, he's just not around. Not in Central at least.

Why?

Spending time with people who are also outside of it, which I'm not happy about either. You know, we really should go back to the daily roll call as well, or whatever the heck you called that.

The nightly meetings you mean?

Yes. Those helped a heck of a lot. Problem is they started turning into a whole different thing when Chaos, Genesis and I were the only ones who showed up.

Ooh, what sort of thing?

Don't giggle at me, you know exactly what I mean.

That's why I'm giggling, duh!

Fine. But back to unity. Jewel, I think our biggest concern is actually downstairs in that respect.

That's kind of tough. I mean I spend time with my family as much as I can, but this is a small c--

I don't mean right now. I mean in the future. Yeah, there's not many people around here. But take the bloody effort to connect with people anyway. Go hang out in coffeeshops and type like you used to or something.

Also I'll be getting a new job soon, hopefully.

Hopefully is right. I know you have mental trouble with the mask thing. But we'll get you a job somewhere, kid. Just don't worry about that right now. Too much other stuff is happening, that's more important than a job right now.

Ironically.

It's not ironic at all. It's the truth and you know it.

Ah, can we go back to the unity bit?

Sure. You have something to say?

Not really. But communication is my playing field. For a while I know that's what kept Jewel from 'unity' with people downstairs.

That's not what I'm talking about.

Then what is? You're saying go out and connect with people--

Yeah, but you don't need to talk to do that. Everyone's already united, we just need to be aware of it. Right?

Exactly.

So, do that. Go out and be that. That's all I'm concerned about right now, is you sharing this. I know that's all you want.

It is.

Then do it. Simple as that.

Even if he's not talking? How does that work?

You don't need to say anything if the goal is already accomplished, Waldorf. I mean sure, he can talk, but that's not the most important thing. Let's put it this way... say he goes into a public place and no one wants to so much as look at him. Who cares? Focus on unity anyway. Heck, do that whether you're around people or not! But we need to be around people to do that more effectively now, I think. I don't know.

No, it makes sense. This is an isolated little house up here, and too much of that doesn't help one's worldview at all. You can't say you love people and then never be around them, so to speak.

Exactly. So you get it. Wally, Xennie, how about you?

I get it! I wanna see more people too, they're cool. As long as they don't step on me.

They won't step on you, you're too fast.

Hee hee!

Where could Jewel go, though? It's not like he's in school anymore.

He's trying to go back in the spring, you know.

Oh, that's true then? I thought we were just considering it?

Nope, as long as we've got the cash, we're going.

Awesome!

Tell me about it. All right then, second point? Jewel?

Hold up, I want to add one more thing to the unity bit.

Sure, what is it?

I'm thinking that might actually tie into my metainomen in a significant sense?

What, the Seer of Love? How's that?

Well, you said, "everyone's already united, we just need to be aware of it." But awareness of that unity is only possible through love, and through seeing with love. That's what connects every heart, beyond all superficial and temporal differences. In the end, love surpasses it all, with golden threads of eternity, and here I go getting poetic, haha.

No dad that's good!! I like when you get all poet-y. It's pretty.

Thanks, sweetheart. But yeah, that's what I'd be doing with other people, as a "Seer," in the sense of helping other people remember unity. "Seer" is a Biblical role, after all-- it's someone who has been blessed with divine visions, for the sake of God's people, to help guide them in the Way of Love. I hope I'm not mangling the definition, I know I'm being a bit loose with the language...

Nah, I'm getting the gist of it. But that's an important point, too-- it's an active role. You don't just see those things for your own entertainment. They're given to you, to be shared, for a greater purpose.

And that purpose is, ultimately, unity. Colossians 3:14, really. Everything God gives us is meant to bring us into His Heart, through love, as one people. And that's just... the most important thing in the world, really, even up here in headspace. We, very specially as a System, exist FOR love and unity. It's the baseline of what we are, and who we are. So... as a Seer, I'd be doing what I'm trying to do now, haha.

Helping other people see love?

Basically. He's blessed with these insights and he rambles on about them like that and we're all better off for it.

Thanks, Laurie. I know I can get verbose.

I'm serious, kid. Don't bottle that stuff up. Your heart is motivated by love, too, remember. You can't bear the name without being it, in a very real sense. And believe me, Jewel, we all know how much love you've got in you.

...That means a lot. Really it does. Because I don't want this name to be about "me," that's the whole point. I want it to be about unity. About us. I want everyone to see what I can see.

See, kid knows what I'm talking about.

Am I still a Maid of Blood, dad?

As far as I'm aware, yeah, because of the symbolic significance of the wordplay, to be honest.

What, like "made of blood"? Why's that?

Because she wouldn't exist if it weren't for all the blood we literally lost beforehand.

Not only that, but think about what blood symbolizes. That's unity, too, in a very intrinsic sense. It's life. In Scripture it's the very means of redemption. It's a deeply holy thing, as morbid as it may seem to some. There's just so much purpose and meaning to it. You cannot take it lightly.

Tell me about it, kid, that's a huge part of my existence, too. And yours.

Yeah. But Xennie's a "maid" because, well, that title speaks to purity but also service. Like, she gives those attributes to others, in caring for them? It's hard to put into words. But I felt that when she got the name, how it summarized the hugeness of her existence, the terrible beauty of it, as well as the gentle tenderness of it.

Dad I think you're still talking poetry!

Heh, if he is it's only because he loves you so much, kiddo.

I know. :> I love you too dad!

Thank you, sweetheart. I'm glad you can hear that in my words.

Hence your metainomen, case in point!

Hee! Yeah it is. But thank you for telling me about my name too dad, cuz that was important for me and you too and I just wanna make sure I still have it and it still works!!

'Course it still works, kid. No need to worry about that. Okay, third-- no, wait, second point.

Haha, yeah, we didn't exactly get there yet.

Do you guys always dance around the actual conversation like this?

Old habits are hard to break.

Sorry, Waldorf. My brain just likes to jump all over the place. Kind of like Xennie.

Yeah except your brain is mean sometimes! I'm not mean.

No you're not, love. So you can take over for my brain if you want.

What no!! I can't do that dad!

I'm just kidding, sweetheart.

Oh.

At least we're talking.

See, Waldorf, you need to open your eyes a little more on this topic.

What topic? Unity?

Ironically yes, but not exactly. See, maybe we are jumping around topics. But Jewel thinks like a frickin' firework. All over the place, but when you step back and look at these disjointed pieces, then whoa, it actually looks pretty nice. His brain really does work like that.

So... not staying on topic actually helps him understand things?

Yeah, because I absorb info passively, like a sponge.

Like a Seer.

Maybe that too, yeah. But it's true. I constantly go off on tangents because I'm following single threads that other people may or may not find relevant. But those threads tend to stick together, into a larger tapestry of sorts. Even if I have to weave the darn thing. Point is I think and talk better when there's no structure.

No surprise that you ended up "married" to Chaos himself then.

You have a point.

Does daddy think like that too?

Chaos? I don't think so, actually. He tends to pick one thing and stick to it doggedly. Sure, he might go off on tangents, but there's always that central goal in mind. For me, not so much. I'm just a wanderer on all fronts.

You two are just this brilliant paradox, I swear.

We are indeed. But really, let's continue on topic for once. I feel kind of bad for Wally over there.

Really, I'm just happy to be talking. It's been rough lately with that chest cold of yours!

Yeah, how the heck are you so sensitive to the physical? That's Spine's domain.

Be cauuuse, I'm the one who deals with communication. That's not strictly physical Laurie. Remember when you were in 7th grade, Jewel, how I didn't always talk much?

Yeah. But you got a lot louder in 8th grade!

Because who did you meet then? Ryou, Marik, and Chaos! You were being more you. You were communicating more honestly, at least upstairs. So I could talk more. And I was able to reach out through media better, too. Then, though, high school started, and you slipped, and I kind of faded into some murky void for a while...

You didn't actually die, did you?

No, I was just really really quiet! Jewel stopped typing, which I was basically anchored to back then, so I lost almost all my staying power. I don't think I started to come back until 2008 or so.

Thanks to this website!

Thanks to all the typing, yeah! But I guess I had the wrong sort of energy for the new system. And Natalie-- Nathaniel?-- was blue at first anyway.

And he was born because of reflection disassociation, which was a direct result of communication dishonesty.

So you see what I mean!

We know all this stuff, Wally, you don't need to recap.

Well I felt like it. The point is that I'm affected whenever Jewel has communications problems now in any sense, because I want to be. I really tied myself into this space when Jewel opened that road to me. I wanted to come back, so I did.

Took you a little while to stabilize, though.

I heard that's normal for the blue slot.

It is, but that ain't cool. It shows we have a big problem with that color that hasn't been solved well enough yet. Still, the fact that you're talking with us now is a big reassurance.

I'm not using Looney Tunes signs!

Those were cute.

They were! But I like talking too.

Okay, point taken. Back to the discussion... or not, that depends entirely on what Jewel's brain wants to do now. Or Xenophon, who the heck knows.

I'm not being daddy's brain, that's silly.

You're adorable. And it was just a joke, love.

I know, but it's true.

Also, can I just mention that I love how you're not fazed by Laurie swearing?

Because it's Laurie! She always swears.

She makes my language kid-friendly, too, when she's passing on messages. It's hilarious.

Does she? How?

Like she says "butt" instead of "ass." It's gold.

Because it is a butt!!

Also we've realized that most "cusswords" are really just a fiercer way of saying stuff in general, when I'm not using them as an accent.

I love how you use profanity as accents.

Hey, it works.

Sugar, spice, and everything nice, that's what little girls are made of...

Yeah, but I'm the flask full of Chemical X because I am whoopass incarnate.

You can't get ye flask.

Joke's on you, I am the flask. What now?

I'm certainly not going to tell thou.

Darn it.

Hee hee!

Seriously, topic two. Waldorf, how about you pick one?

Me?

I don't see anyone else in here named Waldorf, do you?

Very funny, Laurie. Okay, um... wait, what sorts of things do you guys usually discuss in here?

You asked to be part of a session without knowing what we talk about? Come on, Wally.

I know what you talk about, geez! But you told me earlier that there weren't any standout troubles to work through.

Nothing standout, no. At least not in this half of the discussion. God knows what'll happen later. But that doesn't mean there's nothing to discuss. Go on, throw something at us.

Figuratively?

Heck, if you want to literally throw something then do that too, I don't mind.

'Kay, catch!

Did you just throw your chair??

Hey, she said throw something.

Laurie how did you even catch a chair!!

Easy, like this. You wanna take notes, get a bloody pen. Wally, you ain't gettin' this back now, y'hear?

Fine, enjoy your superfluous chair. I'll just... I'll just sit on this entire couch, how's that?

Hey, you're not allowed to sit on the couch!

Watch me!

We are probably confusing that invisible audience something fierce right now.

I don't care, man, this is funny.

I'm sitting on the co-ouch! I'm getting cyber-cooties all over it and there's nothing you can do abooouut iiit!

Cyber cooties?

Uh, yeah, cause of my hair?

Fair enough.

So basically you're just getting your hair all over the couch. What the heck, Waldorf.

Hahaha!

You're all silly.

That's the name of the game son. All right, now that miss blueface is gone, let's keep talking business for once.

Hey-- no fair, you're doing that on purpose!

Yep, that we are. S'what you get for sitting on the couch. Don't you stick your tongue out at me.

Mmleuh. I'll do what I want.

Fine. Be that way.

And give me my chair back.

No, you threw this furniture at me, finder's keepers.

Then I'll just sit over here!

Fine.

Fine!

I wish I had a camera right now.

You've got a Xanga session, that's even better.

He's been writing this down??

Yeah, that's what he does.

Ffff-- I'm sorry, I just derailed this worse than any of you guys did, then!

Yes, you did. Congratulations, here's your award.

Ooh, thank you!

Laurie.

What?

I don't-- there's no visual accompaniment to these shenanigans, our readers are missing out.

Fine. I picked up a Christmas tree from this table and handed it to Waldorf, because she's the prettiest princess in all the land.

Princess of chairs!

There you go, that's gonna be your metainomen. Let's move on.

What, no! That doesn't even make sense!

I don't care, kiddo, you dug that grave, now you gotta sit in the thing. In that chair.

Dun dun dun!!

Xenophon is giggling up a storm over this, that's pretty funny too.

You're funnier!

No, you are.

Nuh-uh, I'm a brain, and brains are silly.

Oh, snap. Jewel, your daughter just won the game.

What game?

The game.

Just play along with it, Xennie, we're all crazy up here.

You're the worst, boy.

No kidding!

And we all get it from you!

Things just got meta.

Times two.

Can I sit here for the rest of the session, actually?

Sure, I don't care. You're gonna have to move when Chaos comes in though, or Genesis, whoever I feel like messing with today.

Chaos. I think Genesis was messed with enough yesterday.

Okay, that was terrible.

Hey, you're laughing too!

Because it's funny, dammit.

You know, I actually don't mind getting this far off topic when stuff like this happens.

Same here.

What were we even talking about?

Stuff.

Basically.

Didn't you have stuff on your Blurty though, dad?

I have lots of stuff on there.

No, I mean stuff to talk about! You know what I mean.

I know, just teasing you. Couldn't resist. But she's right, actually. Mind if I check that real quick?

Sure, go right ahead.

Okay, let's see... all right, I put a small list together in November, but... Laurie, we just solved this first point, at least according to Chaos, didn't we?

Hm... yeah, I'd say so.

Really?

Uh, yes? Why the heck else would you be in such brilliant spirits lately? You've pretty much let go of that, thank God.

All right. Guess I just wanted your agreement on that.

And you got it.

Fantastic. Oh, and the second point deals with you, Wally?

Does it?

Yeah: it was about how, when I get confused by my emotions or thoughts, I tend to go mute.

Ohhh yeah, I hate that.

Pff.

I do! It's kind of scary, actually.

I hear ya. Just laughing at how immediate that reaction was.

Is that when you have to talk with signs?

Mm-hmm.

Wish I could do that.

You can dad, you'd just need a lot of signs.

Still need that cyberpunk gas mask of yours, though.

Hey, after Christmas, that's the first thing I'm allowing myself to buy. Mark my words. I found a really cool respirator that should work perfectly.

Sounds good. But the mute thing, that hasn't happened lately, has it?

No, because I haven't been talking.

Ah.

That helps?

Yeah. Speech, for me, is actually confusing no matter what I'm doing, thanks to my weird personal perspective.

Which is weird as heck upstairs.

You're not affected by it, are you?

Not directly, but I can feel your awareness moving around the room. There's a problem when you start looking through my eyes, which you have done unconsciously. That's what's weird as heck.

Sorry. It's just that sometimes you're looking in the direction I want to look.

Which is often at yourself.

I can only emote properly when I'm seeing myself in the third person, it seems. Otherwise I get too deeply into the other person's expressions, and that gets really confusing because of my "I'm always in 3rd person" thing.

Oh, wait, now I get it.

What?

If you see yourself in third person, then looking at other people must play havoc on your physical identity downstairs.

And it does.

Geez.

Has that always happened?

Unconsciously, but yes, to a very strong extent. It wasn't until 2008, when headspace became a thing, that I started to solidify into my own "self-expression," or in other words, the pseudo-physical manifestation of the energy that makes me me.

It had been a Klonoa-haired mess for about six years prior to that.

Oh geez, yeah. That's actually why I stopped drawing myself like that around 2004. It clashed loudly with my inner "feeling" and I couldn't explain why, which was deeply unsettling.

Took us years to figure out why, too.

Yeah, but that's fixed now.

How about downstairs? Not identifying with that, are you?

No, but it's severely confusing still, because when I'm not around people, I can't see myself in third person unless I'm looking in a mirror, and then I'm not looking at me... so unless I strongly project my own energy signature over the body, it's very easy to slip.

Have you been slipping?

No. At least I don't think so. I don't splinter anymore, but you know how sometimes I end up in that hyper-energy mode that isn't me either?

You think that's a splinter?

I don't know, but it's definitely not me, because it leaves a bad taste in my mouth whenever it shows up, figuratively.

That's how you acted back in 2003, though, right?

For the most part, except for things like incidents with the guys, for obvious reasons. When I wasn't with them, then I was basically in that mode. And it didn't feel genuine back then, either.

Well that's not Jess, and it's not Jezebel either... sure as heck isn't Razor...

Razor is actually very similar. She's the same energetic vibe, but kicked up to eleven.

Kicked up to eleven thousand, you mean. Razor's a frickin psychopath.

True.

Daddy, the person you drew yourself as back then... if that wasn't you, who was it?

It was him back then, kid, if only because he identified with it then.

It was a purely constructed physical identity.

Yeah, I know.

But you're right, actually. There were very strong pieces of me in there. It was just... like looking in a funhouse mirror, I suppose. It was close enough to pass, but there was always something off about it.

And you think that the reflection in the mirror is that person, now that Nat's out of it?

Maybe. I dunno. Maybe it's just an echo at this point. It's rarely a problem now though.

That's good, then. Still, I am concerned about the obvious communication problems this is presenting.

Tell me about it! Is that only happening because of his perspective?

Mostly. But also because it's body dysphoria. Not the splinter-inducing sort, but the oddly static sort that's all "I don't hate this body, and it's actually not so bad, but the problem is that it isn't me! " I know identifying with the body is false anyway, but I can't yet seem to figure out how to overcome it in this lingering sense.

Question. Remember that time you channeled yourself to talk to your grandmother?

...Dude you think that could work?

Heck yes, it works when you channel us, and we look nothing like this body. So try doing that from now on. Consciously channel yourself, so that you're actually driving instead of plugging in commands from upstairs. That's probably why we're getting an echo.

Who drives if Jewel isn't in there, though?

No one, really. It's mostly automated. The only time Tar gets in is if there's a conscious slip, or fallout, and we don't get those anymore.

Ironically, those only happen if I'm driving, and then I leave.

Yeah, if you're not really in there, the bloody thing goes into standby, but then it's neutral ground.

What does that mean?

It means it's basically Switzerland. Neither upstairs or underground can hijack it unless Jewel gives the green light, and if he's not there, then nothing happens.

Which is why I like listening to music when I'm slipping. It removes me from the obligatory driver's seat, and therefore nullifies any hacking influences.

Because they go through you.

Yeah.

Why do they only go after dad?

Because he's the anchor consciousness here, whether he likes it or not. He's the one that needs the body to do things in this life. The rest of us up here are either walk-ins, who aren't technically anchored here at all, or headvoices, like myself, who are nonphysical and can't leave headspace for good unless we've got a bloody death wish.

Wait, really? I didn't know that.

It's true, Wal. Probably more true for Julie and I, but it affects you too. We're made of the same stuff that makes headspace exist, after all. And we're all anchored to Jewel by choice.

Hm. I guess you're right.

You know I'm right. That's how this works. The only person I can't figure out is Xennie, because the circumstances of her creation were just seriously weird.

I was born up here though, wasn't I?

No, Jewel found you in a sink, downstairs, half-dead, like a bloody dumpster baby.

Hey, I would never--

I didn't say you'd do anything of the sort. Fact is, you remember who was trying to abort every creation you had around that time?

...

Xenophon couldn't form on her own upstairs because she had two dads, of course, but also because it was too dangerous with Julie still lurking around. At least that's what I figure.

So you think her energy was slowly coalescing downstairs?

I don't know, why the heck else would she show up there instead of here?

I still don't think it was downstairs. I see Jewel Monsters downstairs all the time, but they're ghosting. Xennie seemed to be stuck between realms when I found her. Like, she couldn't stick upstairs so she showed up-- oh dude, now I get it!

What?

Its obvious. That sink has held way too much of my blood over the years. It's probably an energy sink, pun intended, as a result. I was a mess in 2011, thanks to failed suicide fallout and the psych ward. I stopped cutting though, and maybe that played a part in Xenophon showing up there instead?

How? Because of the blood?

Maybe. Maybe that's all it boils down to, was the fact that it all revolved around blood. Hence her eventual metainomen. For ages, blood to me was a sign of contrition, of heart-rending remorse, of agony. But blood is also a sign of life. For me to be leaking out life for ages, to atone for lives lost...

I get it.

Didn't you say I was the... the hundredfold thing, dad?

Yeah. Which is really what I'm just trying to reiterate, in different words.

Hm.

And I'll never forget what I said on the night of March 12th, either... I quote, "I hope to God that tomorrow is merciful." And it was.

Maybe that was all she needed to show up.

Maybe.

I'm glad I showed up dad, no matter how I did it.

Yeah. Me too.

I'm beginning to like listening, actually.

Was that passive-aggressiveness I just heard, princess?

No, I honestly do enjoy listening to you two talk. It's kind of fun.

Even when we're talking about bloody memories like this?

Well it obviously doesn't hurt anymore, so yeah. It's honest now. I like honesty.

So does Jo. No wonder you two are dating.

*shrug* We get along!

What the-- did you just make this conversation more surreal that it already was?

Huh?

You put a freaking asterisk action in there.

Because otherwise you can't tell I'm shrugging!

Watch this turn into a Sonic Chat when Chaos comes in.

You know what, fine. Don't blame me when this degenerates into drunken lunacy.

Hey, it would be fun!

Not today.

Aw.

Dad what's a Sonic Chat like?

It's insane. Don't do it.

Were you ever in one?

No, thank God.

I don't think Laurie could handle the utter lack of coherency and rules in those things.

I've seen them.

You have?

Here and there, yeah! Plus I was technically in a few when I was still trying to anchor, too.

Oh yeah, I suppose you were!

I also remember when you used to have thought chats in 8th grade, ha ha!

Geez, don't bring those up, they were ridiculous.

Can we get back to the actual conversation now?

Sure. I was just contemplating what a Xanga Chat session would be like, and I think I broke my brain.

Does that mean I have to do that job now?

Kiddo, you look so adorably disappointed about that, it's priceless. And no, you don't.

I just don't want dad's brain breaking for real. That would be bad.

Yeah, mister Prince of Mind.

That's only if I invert, and only according to one test result!

Still legit, bro. You be careful.

Will do.

What's next on the discussion board though?

Dysphoria. I think we just covered that, actually.

See, this is why tangents are good.

Point taken.

Huh! I guess that does work.

It does! But I don't know, should we star point 2 just in case it comes back?

What, the muteness? No, because if you remember to channel yourself, that shouldn't be a problem.

Ah.

Point 4 is "feeling worthless in the eyes of the world." I daresay that was Utah fallout, hm?

Mostly.

You over that yet, kid?

Yeah. That's also why I've been so happy lately. I'm not judging myself anymore.

Let's bring up Utah again real quick. I know you were discussing this with me earlier, but I want to make sure it's written down. What are you missing about that, for real?

Being around people that knew what I've been through over the past few years, and didn't treat me as insane because of it.

I thought you said that was a double-edged sword?

It was. Because I think they knew the 'old me' better than they did the real me? Which is understandable, because there are hundreds of Julie-era records online, which no longer apply to who I am. Anyway that's not important, and it's not what's bothering me.

Then what is?

The fact that those two were the first and only people on this planet that knew my dark past, accepted my inner reality as true, AND cared about me more than I had ever dared imagine. The problem was that it was sadly one-sided; I didn't know them, even after several years! I gave them huge amounts of who I was, and never got the same in return. So when they suddenly cut all contact with me last month, saying they "didn't understand me," it hurt because so much time and effort was lost. These were the only two people I had EVER been close friends with down here. So having all that just collapse after so long was highly disorienting. I have no idea how to make friends; they were both instances of sheer luck, and maybe that was the fatal break in the chain holding it together.

Possibly. I daresay that lack of understanding really stung the most, though.

Only because I would have put money on those two never saying it. I've had everyone else throw those words at me before, practically-- teachers, doctors, acquaintances, parents-- and then, when I finally found two people who got the weirdest stuff, they STILL were unable to understand me enough to actually be around me without distress. Which confuses me because I really don't understand what they don't get, but oh well. These things happen.

So you've let go?

Yeah. I mean, I miss them on an intellectual level, but that's about it. It's not genuine and it would be dishonest to complain about it.

What do you mean by "it's not genuine?"

I don't miss them. I miss the experience of having people call me by my real name, and stuff like that. That says a lot about our relationship, actually, and it's probably why it fell through. I feel that's my fault, though. Melody called me selfish several times, and I understand why, but to be honest it always felt one-sided in my favor and I thought that was mostly intentional?

The heck do you mean?

They kept saying I was moving "for my benefit," in one way or another. I guess the way they kept wording things made me assume that they were putting a disproportionate amount of focus on me. So when I moved out there, I kind of assumed that was the reality, when I was actually smothering them with my presence, especially with all my troubles and oddities. I guess none of us thought the situation through, again, and I am sorry that it happened that way. But like I said, all that's in the past, and it's over now. I've washed my hands of it, and frankly I'd like to not discuss it anymore as a result. No hard feelings, but I'm honestly tired of digging up something that's already buried.

Fine by me, I was just double-checking that you were over it.

I am, believe me. Took a little while, but we're good.

Just want to mention that the whole trip was an overwhelmingly positive experience, though.

Oh geez, it was. I absolutely loved my time out there, at least what I remember of it. My memory likes to remember snapshots and that's it, which does bias it towards the positive, but hey. I'm not complaining, because now when I look back I just smile.

Good to hear.

Point 5 is doubt, and that was crushed thanks to Utah as well, thank you old friends.

Seriously, that was beautiful.

I even got to talk to you!

Twice, you moron!

Haha, yeah, sorry about that first time.

Don't, it's awesome to look back on for me too. Distressing as ever at the time, but I'd be lying if said it's not fun to remember.

You threw me like a chair!

I kind of did, haha.

I wish I had showed up earlier, it sounds like you had fun out there.

We made smoke pancakes!

Oh dude yes! That was absolutely hilarious!

Was that the day you had the porch door open in freezing weather all evening?

Yes, I couldn't stop laughing. I had like four fans on too. And I was sitting on the living room table eating smoke pancakes with Xennie and just cracking up. We just had a horrible stove in that kitchen, to say the absolute least.

Remember the day we went for the walk to Turiyas, dad??

Of course I do, that was stunning.

We made rose potions!!

I remember that. And you, you ridiculous romantic, you were picking roses for like an entire week in October for every day you didn't see Chaos.

Yeah, I had wanted to give them to him when Jacob finally channeled him again, but unfortunately that didn't pan out. However I do remember that on the last night I had my Bible Study, two days before I flew out, Chaos walked home with me so I picked him a rose right there and told him about my plan, haha.

Man I wish I could've seen his face.

It was one of those moments I wish I could have filmed, yeah. Just gorgeous honest moments like that.

I sure missed a LOT out there, gosh.

Sorry, love. I wish I lived closer to an actual place I could walk around, so that we could have grand adventures together here too. Then again, school always seems to fit that bill.

Genesis is a lucky man.

Xenophon too, remember she ghosted with me a lot last semester.

I did! And I always ran up the stair railings.

Because you're silly.

Noooo I don't wanna be a brain dad!!

Hahaha!

Is this going to be an injoke? Please say yes.

Yes.

Thank God. I love nonsense like this.

Speaking of injokes... Laurie.

Come on, man, that one's not supposed to be publicized!

Which one?

Jewel and I randomly decided one evening that I am an injoke. Just me, because why the heck not.

And you just publicized it, shame on you.

I don't give a damn, Kanye shrug, cool sunglasses gif, and that's enough injokes for now.

She actually put on shades, by the way.

Yeah, Laurie, it's like this! *puts on the sunglasses* *DEAL WITH IT*

Oh what the heck, Waldorf.

You really despise those asterisks, haha.

It feels so frickin weird!

Daddy, can we get back to talking? I wanna see my other dad before it gets too late.

The kid has a point.

Ssh!!!

Heh. But sure, kid. Jewel, is there anything more to discuss that doesn't involve a certain blue dude being in the room to contribute?

Uh, hm... not really? Since my death drive and stomach void are pretty much gone, I--

Pretty much gone?

Well, there's still a bit of each, but they aren't affecting me actively. I think they're just fading.

They'd better be. I'm just concerned that you still want to die this Friday, even, though that's not going to happen.

Dad why do you want to die?? You can't die like that!

I don't know what I want. It's just homesickness is all. It's waking up in the morning and not knowing how to deal with a world that's still angry and ignorant to unity and compassion in so many places.

That's changing, kid. You don't need to die to begin again.

I know. So maybe that's all I have to, is remember that, and keep on trucking.

But daddy, you can't die, because you're already home up here.

Home is where the heart is, and vice versa.

Yeah. That too.

Don't leave your kid without a father.

I won't. I swear I won't.

Please, dad.

Cross my heart, Xennie.

Okay. Cause I worry about you, you know.

I know.

I actually worry about you too, whether you know it or not.

Really?

Sure! Remember 7th grade? The crystals in the sky?

Dude, of course I remember that, that was one of the most beautiful dreams I've ever had!

And who was it that promised to take you back there one day? You, and Ryou, and Maitru, and me?

...

Yeah. I plan on keeping that promise, one day, when I figure out how. I'm trying. But I can't do that for you if you die, either.

Daddy, what's she talking about?

You know that forest I always talk about, the one I call "there?" On top of the icy mountain, with crystals in the air?

The dream place? Is that the one that looks out over dad's old home?

Yeah.

Wait, what does it look out over?

You know in Sonic Adventure, when you visit Mystic Ruins in the past as Amy? And if you look out over the edge of the cliff, you can see a river running through the rainforest below? For some reason, that view is the absolute closest anything has come to the view from the crystal forest in that dream. I took a rough screenshot from Youtube, here, in case anyone else wants to see it.

Wow. I had no idea, actually.

But because of the obvious emotional significance of that fact, and the way dreamspace tends to form around those things, I personally believe it's the exact same view.

I wouldn't be surprised.

Maybe we should bring him along next time, if I can figure out how to get us back there.

When, not if. You said you made a promise.

Hehe, I did. When I figure out how, then.

Daddy I wanna come too!

Then consider yourself on the list, love.

Yay!

Not to cut this short, but for like the fifth time, is there anything else we need to discuss before we bring the two maniacs in here? It's getting late.

My dad's not a maniac.

You haven't seen him drunk.

She has a point. Don't worry though, we've learned to keep him away from the champagne.

And Genesis away from the eggnog.

I remember that!

Funniest moment in a grocery store ever, that was.

What?

He literally grabbed a carton of eggnog off the shelf last year and drank it, right in the middle of the aisle. Of course no one could see him but me, but it was hilarious.

I'm still deadset on getting him and Chaos into a drinking contest one day, solely to see the results of it.

That needs to be recorded, whenever it happens.

Soon. Your anniversary is this Sunday, and New Year's is barely two weeks away.

Oh my gosh, don't tell me you're planning to trump last January...

Seriously, I am. I don't care how terrified I am, something is going to happen.

That's going to be amazing. Wow. You've got me stupidly excited now.

Good. Merry Christmas, because I don't know what the heck is going to go down then.

You said it!

You two say a lot.

*flips you off*

Ahahaha!! Yesss!!

Daadddyyy.

Yes sweetheart?

Can we get Chaos in here soon please? I'm getting tired.

She's right, we suck at holding actual conversations when there's no actual list to go from. Jewel, you said we were done as far as casual discussion goes, correct?

Aye-aye, captain. The only thing we need to do is a recap, and that can wait until after Christmas.

No kidding, Sunday alone is going to need an update of its own, I'll tell you that already.

Oh you don't even know. No matter what happens, it's going to be gorgeous.

What needs to be recapped?

Basically all the stuff that's happened since June.

Whoa. How long is that going to take?

Not as long as you think. Knowing Jewel, he'll want to skim over Utah, save for the obviously relevant bits, which can easily be summarized since vocabulary doesn't do them much justice anyway.

Tell me about it.

July, I dunno. The heck even happened in July?

A lot, actually. June and July were the end of the semester, and the tiny break before Utah, so the disconnect from headspace hit me hard and I was getting swamped by inner problems.

Problems that we've solved since then, I hope?

Basically. There is an old entry with a huge list of 'em, but I'll review that on my own time and get back to you on it.

Sounds cool. Anything else?

Uh... just lots of media synchronicity and Dream World work, it looks like, as I had a major creativity burst in June. So I didn't update much during those two months. But we didn't talk much between January and June, either.

We did discuss the 17th, if that's what you're thinking of.

I know, that was painful. But we didn't discuss the Daley nights, or Island, or Holy Saturday, or having to let go of everything in one sense or another. And a lot happened with Celebi over the spring and summer in any case, so I think she deserves a more significant mention here. All our outspacers do.

Fair enough. But really, kid, I don't think a lot of early 2012 needs to be discussed again?

Not discussed, just recapped. Just mentioned to give the invisible audience a rough idea of what the heck's been going on this year, in our absence. Because a lot has been going on, even if it's been mostly behind the scenes.

Yeah, now that you mention it, we've made some insane progress since January.

We have. But I dunno, I think a few of these points deserve a revisit, looking back on some of these old entries... even if it's only a reread on my part.

Well, don't get mired down in old thoughts. Capisce?

I hear you, yeah. But I did a heck of a lot of spiritual practice this spring because of how desperate I was. I didn't realize it until now, but although the medium changed, I'm still getting the same effects?

Now you're getting the meditation feeling without meditating, which is good.

Yeah. Now I don't have to be in a church to feel like I'm in one, if that makes sense.

It does.

Sorry guys, we're talking too much again.

You said you were done but you're not!

We suck at finishing things, that's a fact at this point.

Do I have to take my chair and leave?

You try and I'll break your fingers.

Haha.

Wally, you seem oddly unfazed by Laurie's personality.

Hey, you remember what I acted like back around 2003!

Point.

Why, what'd she act like? You keep referencing things before my time so I'm not sure.

Like a non-swearing, harmlessly violent version of you, almost.

What.

I've calmed down since then, hehe. Just a little.

Yeah, the void tends to do that to ya. But man, I might have to hang out with you more now.

Haha!

Ooh, if you do, can I hang out with her too? I like her, she's nice.

Sure, kid, whatever you say.

I love how you're like this stand-in parent for Chaos and I when we're not around.

Hey, I love this little dude just as much as you both, it's the least I can do.

Hee!

Speaking of Chaos, uh...

We swapping out the blues now?

Yep, you get your butt out of here before I toss you out with the chair.

*crosses arms* Try it.

You seriously provoking me?

Yeah! Go on, toss me.

Wally, she's gonna toss your butt out the door if you don't move first!

She won't, just watch. *sticks out tongue*

Oh, that's it, now you're asking for it.

You didn't do the asterisks!

You want asterisks? You can't handle these asterisks! *picks up chair and flings it*

Dude!!

Whaahhaha!! Nice one!

You're not supposed to jump out of it in midair!

You never said I couldn't! Hehe!

Don't make me flip this table.

Do it.

Laurie, don't trash the penthouse.

She started it.

Pfffahaha!!

Xennie, I'm sorry you have to watch these two maniacs.

No dad, it's okay, I'm just shocked that Wally jumped!

What do you think, 10 out of 10?

11!!

Woo!! Wait till I tell Jo, he's gonna flip.

Jo's my apprentice, you know, I'll throw a chair at him too if he pushes my buttons.

He'd throw it right back!

Good, then we'll make a game out of it.

Calvinball!!

Heheh, exactly.

No really, we need to switch the mood in a few minutes, so stop throwing the furniture and shake hands or something.

Are you serious? Come on, Jewel.

Be nice, Laurie.

Fine.

Yeah, you're lucky I'm not a real princess, or you'd be in trouble.

Hey, there's idea.

What?

A princess is an heir, right? So that would make you... an heir of chairs.

Psh! Who am I inheriting the chairs from then?

Hm... Chaos.

Is he the king of getting on your nerves?

Pretty much. Speaking of...

I know, I know.

Daddy can I stay to say hi to him please??

Sure thing, love.

Guess that's my cue to go.

*salutes* Fare thee well, space princess.

*salutes back* Space princess of chairs!

Heck yeah, that's the spirit!

Haha, see, I catch on quick. *turns and waves goodbye*

Aaaand that's all, folks.

*holds up a sign that says "applause"*

*applauds!!*

Xennie, no exclamation points in the asterisks.

But it's a happy applauds!!

Okay, fine.

*bows* Thank you, thank you!

Oi! The door is behind you!

Don't ruin my exit!

Don't make me chase you down the hall.

Fine!

Come on guys, be nice.

I am being nice.

Really, it's been fun, Laurie.

Yeah, you too. Say hi to Jo for me.

With a chair?

Preferably, yes.

Haha, okay!

Not that one.

Not touching that one!

Good. Now make like a tree and get the heck out of here.

Pfff, whatever you say, couchmaster!

Couchmaster?

You wouldn't let her on the couch.

Yeah, but-- aah, whatever.

At least you had her laughing. That was awesome.

Why isn't Wally allowed on the couch?

She's allowed on it, I was just busting her.

Oh.

I do that to everyone.

I know, I was just asking because I wanna sit on the couch too.

Xennie, as far as I'm concerned, you can do whatever you want. The couch is yours. Knock yourself out.

Yay! Is it fluffy? It looks fluffy.

I can make it fluffy.

Make it fluffy dad!!

All right, here goes... aaand poof! Flufftastic.

Eeee!!

Now that's adorable.

Daddy it's sooo soooffft!!!!

That's the point, love. You want me to put a couch in your room like that?

Um! I don't know? It's kinda big, dad!

You can always camp out down here if you want, I'll keep an eye on you.

Mmkay Laurie. But I'm only gonna sleep in here until Daddy leaves.

Do we want her around while we're talking?

That's up to you.

Man, I dunno.

Let's ask the other dudes then.

Sounds like a plan. Call 'em in.

All right, hold on...

...

...Whose chair is this?

What chair?

This chair. In the middle of the floor.

Not my chair, not my problem.

Oh come on Laurie, now you're obviously responsible for this.

Fine, I threw it at Waldorf.

You threw it?

At Waldorf?

Well actually no, I threw it while she was still sitting in it.

...

Your face, right now, deserves to be framed. Just letting you know that.

Laurie, you are an absolute maniac.

Nah, I just get annoyed by blue people. You're cool though.

I've never seen you flip out at Ryou.

He's lucky, he's a nice kid. But just wait, one day he'll do something just annoying enough and bam, I'm gonna flip this entire table. Mark my words.

I think you'd traumatize him.

*shrug*

Did you just--?

Hi daddy!!

Oh-- hi Xenophon! You're still awake?

Yeah and this couch is really really comfy and I'm gonna sit on it aaallll the time now.

That couch was never that fluffed up before, was it?

Nope, just did that now. Tempted to leave it that way if she loves it so much.

Pleeeease pleasepleaseplease leave it fluffy!!!

I think we have a majority vote in favor of the fluff, Jewel.

Then it's settled. The fluff stays!

Whee!! Hahahaha.

She just fell over backwards onto it. That was adorable. You could've used asterisks, kid!

I didn't feel like it I just wanted to fluff!!

Is this asterisks thing new?

Yeah, blame Waldorf. It caught on quick.

Looks like it.

So, uh... are we talking?

That's actually what we were gonna ask you two. Xenophon wants to chill on the chair, but we weren't sure if she should stick around for this half of the conversation or not. Figure it was mostly up to you, Gen.

Um...

Genesis if you don't want me to stay I can go to bed. I probably just wanna sleep anyway.

That... could you, actually? This is going to be tough for me the way it is.

Mmkay. Let me just say goodnight to everybody. Couch first. *hugs!!*

Hahaha.

It's fluffy, Laurie!!

I know, you're just ridiculously cute.

I know you tell me that all the time.

That's cause it's true.

Okay. Good night Laurie.

'Night, kid. Sweet dreams and all that.

And good night to you Genesis! I'll wave at you from over here.

Haha, okay.

And now goodnight to my daaaad.

Hug attack?

Wha-- eeeee!!!!

Haha, I've wanted to do that for a while.

Heeheehee!!!

G'night, love. I'll come check on you later if you're still awake.

Probably not but I might wake up when you come in so okay. Now put me down, I gotta say goodnight to my other dad.

You want me to pick you up too?

Maybe. If you want.

Okay, you asked for it.

Eeeee!!

How much more adorable can this family get?

Is that a challenge?

Dad this is really high up!

Too high?

No! Just really high!

You're lucky we're not outside, or I'd pick you up even higher.

Nonono, I've gotta go to sleep.

You want me to walk you upstairs kid?

Mmm, no, I can go by myself. Okay dad, I'm going to sleep. Good luck Genesis.

Oh, uh... thank you.

Uh-huh! Bye everybody! And Laurie, don't throw the fluffy couch!!

I won't, Scout's honor.

Kay! Bye!

Bye, sweetheart.

Good night, Xennie!

See ya, kid.

Man, she really loves that couch, I'm surprised.

Hey, fluff is addictive. Unfortunately there's been a lot of fluff in this session already, so now we've gotta buckle down and talk about heavier stuff. Genesis?

What?

Chaos, is he okay?

He's okay, believe me. We've talked about this on our own earlier. He's just nervous around you.

Why the heck are you always so nervous around me?

I told you, it's because you give off a vibe that I'm not exactly comfortable with!

And why the heck is that?

Let's just say I haven't known many people that keep so many walls up, and the ones I have haven't been the nicest people to be around.

...You'd better not be comparing me to who I think you are.

Not you. Just the impression you give me.

Well what the heck else do you want me to do? Something tells me you'd be even more disturbed if I dropped all the walls, since they actually make you feel safer. Am I right?

...

Genesis?

Sorry. I'm still too sensitive for my own good.

At least you're not an empath like me. Actually no, that might actually help in this situation...

How?

'Cause of Laurie. I've spent enough time around her to know what she's really giving off. Back when she had tons of walls up and hadn't even opened up to Jewel very much, she was a tough character. Now she's not so bad.

Oh sure, just sabotage my reputation, go right ahead.

I'm not sabotaging anything, Laurie. The fact is, you need to stop trying so hard to be who you were in the past too. You don't need to be so standoffish anymore, especially not around us. And Genesis, you need to stop freaking out over threats that don't exist anymore. Maybe you and I perceive energy differently, but she's no threat to you, even with an axe.

...

She's not. I can attest to that.

...listen, you guys, I said there needed to be a switch in mood but I didn't expect this.

Why, you got a problem with it?

No, it's just that I can 'switch moods' like this now and I'm not exactly used to it yet.

...

Laurie?

What?

Do you... I don't know, I'm not even sure what I'm asking...

You want to help.

Yeah.

You can feel this too, and you want to alleviate the pain somehow.

If you want.

...Kid, for heaven's sake, I appreciate the gesture, but first? You can't be siphoning off your soul so bloody carelessly.

But I care about you, Laurie, I love you, and I don't want you suffering like--

Listen to yourself! Is that how a true heart-healer talks?

...No, actually. I'm sorry, I kind of... wasn't thinking.

Obviously not. You never think of how much damage you're passively doing to yourself. Listen. Yeah, this hurts, but it is not something I want to erase. And it's not something I'd consider worthy of you burning yourself out for. Not to get rid of it.

All right.

Stabilize. Sorry for the sudden emotional switch, I know that's hard on you sometimes. But keep your head on straight. Chaos?

Emotions hit me differently. Jewel reacts, I kind of... absorb.

Yeah, which is why I'm looking at you. You're worse than him when things get crazy, for obvious reasons. And Genesis?

...What?

For heaven's sake, I'm not going to hurt you, and I sure as the same ain't gonna trivialize what you're dealing with. If you want this conversation to be completely serious, then I'm all for it. No jokes, no teasing, no messing around. Just straight up honest discussion. Now are you going to stop cringing around me?

...Yeah. Sorry.

It's fine. I know I'm tough to be around. But come on, it's not like I have any sharp edges anymore. You can blame your dreamer for that. Thank you, by the way.

You're welcome.

So. The heck is our discussion topic here? I don't want to get on any tangents in this conversation.

I want to talk about last night.

Fair enough. Where to start, then?

I... I'm not sure.

I've got a question. What's our main concern about last night?

He's reacting like you used to.

Really? Why?

Jewel, for heaven's sake, you had a bit of a hard time recovering yesterday too.

I thought I was responsible somehow! I don't want to manipulate people!

You didn't manipulate anyone, Jewel, everyone had a complete say in what happened. You just feel more heavily involved as you're the channel for all of that. And I'm sorry if it was painful in any way.

No, I just... it's the old corruption fear is all.

And that fear isn't relevant anymore.

The Tar's still around.

Yeah, but it can't do a bloody thing when you're around. And if I'm not mistaken, you were 100% around last night.

That's not what I'm worried about.

Jewel's worried about it though.

No, I'm over that. It's just that that was the knee-jerk reaction. I know better than to give it any real merit now, since I know myself well enough.

Good. Now Genesis, sorry for interrupting, but go on. What's worrying you?

I... is this what you felt like with Celebi, Jewel?

...What?

This... kind of feeling like, "was I really being honest? Or was I just giving in?" I don't know. And that's what's bugging me.

Genesis, we discussed this.

Yeah, but we couldn't really answer that!

You told me you've given that serious thought for a while.

Sure, but that doesn't mean anything! Thought can easily drown out real motives sometimes, you know that.

And what did you tell me your motives actually were?

...

Genesis?

To... to just, kind of, express that?

Express what?

I don't know, I can't exactly put it in words.

Well geez, don't get all touchy. Vocabulary frequently fails up here. No reason to get upset.

Yeah, it is, because then that's the only way I know how to say it, and that strikes me as being kind of overkill, you know what I mean?

How the heck is it overkill if that is the only way you can think of to say it? Don't you think that gives it a little more merit than you're considering?

Genesis, you're getting confused.

With what?

With what you and I have been through. Laurie and Chaos don't have that sort of thing to speak from, you know.

...

...Oh. Listen, I'm sorry, I almost forgot that...

S'okay. Well actually, no, that's not my place to say that. It's okay in my case. I don't know about Genesis.

...It's fine. I think if Laurie had to deal with that, she wouldn't be here right now.

No kidding, I'd be dead as soon as it happened. So my heart goes out to you, kid. I'm sorry.

It's okay, really. It just... makes things confusing.

Laurie, are we going to have to go all June 29th on him or what?

Haha, no, I remember when Jewel went through that. It's just that I... never thought I'd be in this position.

Question.

What?

How the heck is this a parallel to the 29th?

It's not. It's a parallel to the 17th.

Then you talk to him.

I mentioned the 29th because Genesis didn't have any fallout with Jewel, but Jewel had almost suicidal fallout with me. So it's similar in that respect alone.

Yeah, but he specifically mentioned Celebi earlier and then we changed the subject. Actually, Jewel, should we get her in here?

Celebi?

Yeah, why the heck not? You want to talk to her? She's never had any trouble with her motives, and if Chaos couldn't get the point across to you, of all people--

It's not that! It's not that. I understand what he's saying. I don't have a problem with that, you know, the fact that I did it.

Then what the heck is bothering you?

The implications.

What bloody implications? There are no implications up here, Gen.

But that's big! That's really significant, and I'm not exactly the sort of person that's comfortable with that sort of thing!

How so?

I just... I'm... I'm not like Jewel. I'm not. It's hard for me to... to open up like that.

So you're being a hypocrite when you yell at me for my walls, is that it?

It's not that I have walls, it's that I have a freaking lack of them!! You don't have a busted gem right in the middle of your freaking chest that is effectively a self-destruct button!! When I get close to people, guess what? That opens up, whether I like it or not! That's a window to my soul, Laurie, and the first time I ever had that opened up wasn't exactly a positive occasion!!!

...

I don't know how Jewel does it. I really don't. Maybe he's never had his soul broken into, but I don't understand how he can just break pieces of it off and hand them to people like roses or something.

Uh, Genesis, last time I checked, the kid did have his soul broken into.

...When?

You ever hear of the Tar? What about Julie?

I've dealt with Julie, back when she was still evil!! I know what she did to him, and me!!

But you didn't have her living in your bloody head and constantly trying to take over your body, did you?

...

Forgot about that bit, huh? S'okay, I'll let it slide. Upstairs, we tend to take that fact for granted... you know, the fact that we all have our own minds. Headvoices don't get headvoices. Jewel ain't so lucky. Yeah, the both of you were dealt the short end of the stick when it came to her methods of abuse, but Jewel had it a heck of a lot worse than you. Then again, like you said, he doesn't exactly have a busted up soul gem in the middle of his chest. At least, not literally, am I right?

Don't downplay what he's been through, Laurie. He's suffered a lot more than I have in some ways.

In some ways. The both of you have differing experiences, and differing extremes in different areas, I know that way too well. Point is, he needs to understand that this isn't what he's dealt with before.

I know it isn'!! It's just close enough to hurt really badly, you know!

Then why the heck didn't it hurt with Jewel?

Because it wasn't like that with Jewel. I brought up Celebi because Jewel told me about that, and how he felt. He... wasn't sure about whether or not he should have went that far.

I am now.

...

Yeah, it took me several months, a failed suicide attempt, way too many new scars, and several tearstained fights with her. It got to a point where I actually hated her. But it was all outwardly projected, Gen. And when I got over it all, I realized that beneath all that garbage, I did love her. Maybe it was an entirely different sort of love, one that I wasn't familiar with. But it was love, God knows it was love, and that's why I kept trying, no matter how tough it was for me, because what was getting in the way wasn't honesty of intention. It was my inability to stop judging the surface situation and understand what was actually going on.

But--

But what, Gen? You asked me, not the other way around. And you explained why before anything happened. It sounds more to me like you're unable to stop judging yourself.

I know, you said that before...

But you wouldn't answer me when I asked you what you were judging. Was it honesty?

...Not honesty, just...

Category. You're trying to put this in boxes, just like Jewel used to, and I am so sick of seeing you people doing that. You think I said yes on January 1st because I was thinking about bloody categories? Heck no!

But you wouldn't say that to Chaos!

Chaos didn't ask. And I didn't ask him. If I'm not mistaken, you did.

Gen, you were being honest, weren't you?

Yes, I--

Then why the heck are we still freaking out over this?

Because--

He's afraid he jumped the gun.

...Yeah.

Genesis.

What?

How is that jumping the gun if you said you'd thought about it, in total seriousness, for almost a year?

...

He's just having a hard time settling into his decision then. No worries, I did too. You remember the black hole thing, right Jewel?

But of course.

Too bloody early for me. I didn't have time to think about it. Ten months later though, you can bet that I followed through on that promise, and then some.

Stars, dear.

My point exactly.

...

Genesis?

...Yeah?

I do love you, you know. Definitely in a different way than I love Jewel, but it's still something. Don't know if that helps or not.

It does, it's just...

Not something you've actively thought about.

Not exactly, no.

I still say we've gotta stop putting this into categories.

What sort of categories? Don't you mean levels?

Nope, levels are totally different, but they play into categories. When you put this into categories, you start locking it out of certain levels. Oh, I put it into this box? Well then to heck with this color, and that one, and that one. When really all you're doing is limiting your perspective. Don't get me wrong, you can still choose not to tread into certain colors, but the point is you need to do so of your own actual volition, and not out of obligation to a nonexistent bloody label.

Really, if Marik and I can stop hating each other long enough to be so honest, then hey--

He doesn't count, you two are practically "frenemies" at this point.

We are not.

Only because Ryou is the middleman.

Hey, no labels, Laurie.

Come on man, I'm just joking around. Or not.

Yeah, diamonds go without saying.

Daresay that's more relevant than we'd like to admit right now?

Ugh, why is this so hard to wrap my mind around...

I think you just need time, love.

Yeah, probably.

What's so distressing though?

Just... crossing the Rubicon, like Chaos said. Realizing that whoa, I actually trust him as much as I trust you, that's new! Except it's not, and now I'm just having a really hard time getting my brain to match up with my heart and it's not the easiest thing in the world, you know.

Well, if you need a brain...

Shut up Laur, no jokes.

Couldn't resist that one, sorry.

You all right now, Gen?

As all right as I'm going to be for the time being.

That's kind of what I was asking.

Yeah, sometimes you just need to up and shout at people. It's cathartic.

No wonder we get along so well!

Don't make me asterisk you, boy.

Haha, okay. But really Gen, if you want to talk to me about this, I'm open. If not, that's fine too.

I just want to know how you can do that so freely now? If you've been through so much, and you're the one who insists on the importance of the soul, how can you just... do this?

Because I'm not losing anything. I'm giving. Like Laurie said, it's not about categories. I know very well what I'm giving, and I don't treat it lightly at all. However, there are two things I always keep in mind. One, that everything is love, and in the end we're all united anyway, so to me it's all resonance. I'm not 'breaking' anything. And because of that, point two is this: when I treat this like I do, guess what? It has absolutely NOTHING to do with broken gems or shadow claws or blood or bones. Nothing. You remember the mythological title I got slammed with, right?

Yeah.

Then there you go. I was terrified of it at first because I knew what had been painted over its surface. But when I stepped back, and looked deeper, and got down to the very core of it...

You found life.

And I found love. Over and over, in more ways than I thought possible. But there it was. Every single time. So please, Gen, if you can look at yourself and see that, then you have nothing to worry about.

...All right.

Are we cool on this now?

As much as we're going to be.

He just needs time, like you said.

Yeah.

Can I point out the irony there, or would you hit me if I did?

Well, it's obvious now, and I can't hit you anyway.

Maybe I should talk to her.

Would it help?

Chaos, all I really need to do right now is stop contradicting myself. I won't get anywhere if I keep insisting something is wrong. I know all of you are right. That's the same stuff I've told myself.

You just need to believe it now.

Yeah. Easier said than done.

Not quite. Get your mind out of it, and you'll be fine.

Speaking of minds and souls. Chaos, when the heck was that insane morning? November 12th or 18th?

You don't have that written down?

Hey, I'm just as shocked as you are! But remember how hard it was to get up that morning. I wouldn't be surprised if I was on cloud nine for the next 24 hours.

No kidding. You're sure you don't have it recorded though?

Let me check my Chrome history, actually... looks like the 18th? I don't think I had started reading Bleach yet, and I ordered those two keychains the same day.

Sounds legit. I'm just shocked you didn't record it.

I probably tried to, but a LOT happened in November so it probably got lost in the shuffle. Which is ridiculous, but apparently it happened.

Hey, you two?

Yeah?

You wanna close this up or what?

Already?

Sure. It's really late, Genesis looks like he could use a break, and Jewel, I don't think you can hold a channel for much longer anyway.

It's been a long evening, yeah.

Don't worry, if we're all still alive with access to a computer after Christmas, we'll talk on here again.

Not saying anything for certain yet, huh?

Heck no. Even with that promise you made, and everything the boss keeps telling me, I don't--

Wait, you call my boss your boss too?

Why not? He's awesome.

Whoa, that puts him pretty high up on the charts!

Hey, I'm your boss too, and I say you get some actual sleep before your other one drags you off to work.

Good point. Genesis, once more, are you going to be okay?

Yeah. Just... it's a lot to deal with.

It is.

Our invisible readers probably have no clue what the heck is going on. Really, I'm not even sure at this point.

Yeah, it's been an... interesting session.

I still can't believe you apparently threw Waldorf.

I did, and I'll toss you out too if you don't get moving. People need sleep. Out.

Geez, you can give us a few minutes. It's been a long time since we've all been in here and honestly I'm kind of just enjoying the company.

Same here.

Really?

Yeah. Sorry I was judging everything so harshly. The world really isn't as threatening when I stop pretending I'm a target.

Well you're not, so stop doing that.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

You probably could have, except it would have sounded a lot harsher.

Like what?

Hm?

I want to hear how she'd say it. Go on.

You're not a bloody target and nothing out there is going to kill you. So chill the heck out.

Thought so.

Hahaha.

Seriously, Genesis, you do realize that headspace is the safest place you could possibly be, in this situation or otherwise?

How do you mean?

I mean you've got me looking out for you, for one. Then there's everyone else up here. And then there's the fact that we're impervious to the hell downstairs that Jewel has to deal with every day, unless we actively choose to participate in it. Which you often do, I have to admit.

But it still can't touch me.

Exactly. And Jewel would never let anything harmful come near you, you know that.

You're right, Laurie.

Yeah, no kidding.

No, not that, at least not entirely... I'm too tired to think straight.

Heh, that too. We've all had some pretty messed up sleep schedules lately, now that you mention it.

I assume that means no shenanigans tonight?

Heck no, there's been enough of those lately.

I was kidding.

I can never tell with you, man.

Good point.

But really, Jewel, lay off it for a while. I think you're rerouting the homesickness too much.

You're still getting that?

Yeah. I just don't talk about it as it's usually in the background regardless. I try not to let it bother me.

Problem is, when you make it unconscious, then it starts to surface unconsciously. Be careful.

I will be. Promise.

Seriously, save the sparkles for Sunday night, will you?

Yeah, we've gotta break last years record, you know.

Well God help me, my heart's probably going to explode.

In a good way, I assume.

Absolutely. Are we going to Dare-Gale it or do you think we can find something else?

That's up to you. As long as we can loop it for three hours or more, I'm fine with whatever you choose.

Sweet. I'll find something, promise.

Hey, and another thing.

What?

Since you're back into the swing of things, how about you draw something for Sunday?

Oh man, I really need to.

Then try to. I know your schedule is a mess, but honestly, put Saturday aside or something.

And then confirm that Facebook marriage request for heaven's sake.

Hahaha, that too! Make it official.

Ironically.

Well obviously, Facebook is junk but that way everyone on your newsfeed is going to be all "whoa what the heck?"

Interspecies marriage what? You have an alien daughter what?? When did this happen???

Ninth anniversary???? What?!?!

The punctuation just keeps getting crazier.

Hahaha.

No no no, you have to do it like Genesis did. Come on, say it.

Really?

Really. Do it.

Fine... WHAT?!?

Yes!!!

OH MY GOSH WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN!

There it is!

Hahaha!

At least you're laughing now, that's good.

Yeah, it is. Thanks guys.

Hey, we're here for you. No matter what is going on, we're here to listen, and help as much as we bloody well can.

That means a lot coming from you, actually. Thanks.

Come on, man, you know I've had that offer out to anyone for months now.

Not explicitly. You've never actually said that to me.

Huh. I guess I didn't. Sorry.

It's okay. I should apologize for giving you the cold shoulder for so long.

You gave me the cold shoulder?

I did, actually. I guess part of me just couldn't fully accept how much you mean to Jewel now. I mean we've been friends for a while now, but casual conversation is one thing. Actually feeling safe in the same room as another person is another.

Good point. So are we there yet?

Yeah. I think last night locked it in.

How so, if you don't mind my asking?

Probably when you actually put your walls down around Chaos. I dunno, I think that's what... what made me decide for sure what I wanted to do. I'd never seen you do something like that, ever.

You've never seen me around Jewel?

Like that? No.

What?? Chaos, this man is out of the loop!

What, what did I miss?

I think Laurie and I have an unofficial rivalry going on now.

Unofficial.

Another one, not the one we already have, you moron.

Pff. I love how you have to specify that.

True though. But yeah, he's getting back at me for all the times I didn't knock.

Uh... how? Actually, do I want to know?

That's up to you, bud.

I still cannot believe you didn't chase me out.

Hey, I trust you enough not to, okay? And I couldn't care less if you're already in the room. You go forgetting to knock around me, though, and I'll slice your head off.

It'll grow back, haha!

Yeah, 'cause you're a mutant.

Better than not being one and not having my head grow back!

Point taken.

You two have the weirdest conversations.

Hey, you wanna jump right in, mister no-neck?

No wrists either, take that!

Can't behead him if you tried, he's already beat you to it.

Foiled again!

And I just don't die.

Yeah, see, you're the worst of us because I can behead you, and you'll still figure out a way to respawn after that.

Love never dies, haha.

You can't kill Cupid, I guess.

Obviously. You're lucky I even used to let you try.

Hey, I don't get the axe out anymore unless he asks, all right? No more wanton butchering going on up here.

Not unless Barry decides to come visit.

I'd like to meet him, but then another part of my brain just goes, "heck no."

That would be the sane part, dear.

Probably.

Hey, I thought you told me to get some sleep? I can't exactly do that if you're still talking.

That is true. Sorry kid.

I did ask for a few more minutes, though. That's my fault.

Yeah, to do what? Unwind?

Basically. Just so we weren't cutting this too short, too soon.

Sorry I ate most of the conversation, guys.

That's no problem, we don't like going to sleep with unsolved problems here anyway.

This is true.

So. Since we're terrible at closing conversations, how are we going to do this?

Haven't got a clue.

That depends on whether we want it to be serious or not.

I'm voting for serious, actually. I've been through enough crazy stuff this afternoon. Chaos?

I'm fine with whatever Genesis says.

I'll go for serious too. I think it matches the mood better.

Plus I did kind of forbid joking around at the beginning of this half. Can't go breaking my own rules all the time, you know.

Serious closing up, then. How to do that today, hm... first I think I will lay down on this couch.

What does that mean?

I'm a nut, I'm crazy in the coconut. But really, this boy's had enough therapy already.

Are you falling asleep?

Somewhat. So I'm sorry if translations are a bit off. I'm slowly drifting into poet mode, I think. Not there yet, but the potential's there.

I went into poet mode once, you know.

Straight-up?

Yeah.

Nice. Wish I could do that.

You don't sleep, so it'd probably be tricky...

Hey, I can sleep, I just choose not to, most of the time.

You did sleep that one night we were chilling in the impossible room, yeah.

Because I only sleep when I am absolutely sure things are safe. I'm so hardwired to protect everybody that it's really bloody hard to relax enough to sign off for the night.

I think it says a lot about our entire situation that you were able to, then.

It does.

Oh man, this song. Chaos, this one makes me think of you.

Nightingale?

Yeah.

How so, lyrics, or what?

Mostly the sound. Harmonies and all that. But the lyrics are relevant as always. Laurie and Genesis, I have to find more songs that make me think of you guys.

Well you did just stick that bloody song by P!nk on my wall...

Hey, it's accurate.

Which one was that?

True Love, ironically.

Accurate!

I didn't say it wasn't, you moron.

Proving the point...

Hey, you shut up too, man.

I'm sorry for not having been around lately, by the way.

I know. But I'm very happy you're here right now. I missed you a lot.

I know... I missed you too. I should have said where I was going.

Hey, I don't mind people coming and going without explanation, as long as I can find out whether or not they're okay. Problem was no one was sure where you had gone for a few days. That had me worried.

I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it love, really. As long as everything worked out okay in the end, I am fine with it.

You always are.

But of course. Now can I get some sleep?

Sure. Want me to leave first?

No, because then neither of us will want to leave afterwards.

Good point! So I've gotta chase you out first, cool. No chairs, Jewel?

No chairs, and I didn't say goodnight to anyone yet. I'll probably fall asleep as soon as I hit the pillow so I won't be able to talk to anyone after this. So, we close up for the night now.

Works for me.

I love all of you. I really do.

We know.

No, like... a heck of a lot. You probably do know at this point but still. Trying to say it in words does it no justice. I'd kiss all of you but that's the sleep making me forget I'm still online, haha.

Then log off and then do it, why the heck not?

That's a good idea.

But you know what, that makes me think of something.

What?

The whole love thing we keep discussing. How we've got to stop putting it in categories, and just be entirely honest about it.

Yeah?

...I could probably say that to all three of you, for heaven's sake. Different context, of course, but it's the same thing each time. Really makes me think, considering those three words aren't something I've ever taken lightly, let alone dared to say for years.

...

Guess that's the point I've been trying to make with talking to you, Genesis. There's different ways to show it, sure. And you feel it differently for different people and all that. There's billions of variations on the same bloody thing. I guess that's why I find it so fascinating. I'd never really seen it that way until you stopped being afraid of it yourself, Jewel. And then that was it, that was the catalyst that sparked a billion flames, if you want to put it that way.

I like that way of describing it, yeah.

So there you go. I love all you guys. Coming from me, you already know that means a lot.

It does. Thanks, actually.

For what, saying it or feeling it?

Both. I mean, you hated me barely two years ago.

Two years is a heck of a long time, man. But you're welcome.

Genesis has this fantastic look on his face.

I'm thinking, okay?

Don't think too much, it rots your brain.

I can attest to this.

No, seriously, I'm just letting that sink in. It's not something I expected to hear.

Gotta stop putting expectations on things, kid.

Yeah, I know, but it's the truth.

So. I've said my piece, how about you, blue guy?

Well, you're the only person I haven't said it to here, because it's kind of awkward.

Then don't say it so directly. I didn't, for the same bloody reason.

And to think, last December around this time...

Hey, one snog doesn't prove anything.

Yes it does, actually.

I waited nine years for my first one downstairs!

Yeah, and then you two just went off the rails in that regard.

Nine years of waiting will do that.

I still wish someone had channeled me.

Heh, yeah, you kind of missed out. And we promised Xennie we'd try to get her through too, didn't we?

Yeah, but remember, that all banked on our channelers. You guys have heavy-duty energy, and you stick around. That stuff is seriously draining. You couldn't expect them to channel very often.

Especially when the person being channeled can't remember that humans have bones, you weirdo.

I said I was sorry, geez.

Or noses.

Or entirely different biological systems than you, wink nudge and a really loud cough.

I am never going to live that down, am I.

I thought it was hilarious. In a good way.

You would.

Course I would, I couldn't stop kissing him either.

So the point is, yes, one snog does prove a lot.

Come on man, we were all high on Cupid's energy here, that's all it proves.

Still.

Chaos, you'd kiss everybody that so much as looked at you if you could.

Hey, I'm an affectionate guy.

I think context plays into that too, though.

It does, it really really does.

Well fine, go ahead and punch a hole right through my teasing, why don't you.

Heh.

Maybe one day. But who knows.

Jewel just wants all four of us together.

It would be nice.

You are the only human in the world who would use "nice" to describe that concept.

Because it's different for us, duh. Different biology of course.

Which you are addicted to.

I won't deny that. That and sharp teeth.

Your addiction to fangs is hilarious to me, just saying.

Laurie if you had fangs I would be all over you.

Well.

He probably would. I mean look at me.

You are every one of my aesthetic weaknesses put together. That or you're the reason I have them.

I'd put my money on the latter.

Same.

I have never been so thankful to have fangs in my life.

Hahaha!!

All right, before Jewel starts hitting on everyone, let's get to sleep.

I'm just kidding around, seriously man. I hit on everyone the way it is.

He has a point.

Still... can we all just agree that there's an unquestionable sort of unspoken love between all four of us that is awesome and gorgeous and worth everything we've been through to get here, because that's one of the top three things I'm the most thankful for in the entire world and I am really tired.

Of course, that's obvious at this point.

It is, I agree.

Count me in, too.

Really?

Well, yeah, when you put it that way it really isn't that hard to see.

Good. Because you've always been the odd one out here and that ain't cool.

I'm trying to fix that, if you haven't noticed.

Oh, I have. Means a lot.

It does.

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to follow Jewel off to work, so have a good one.

Wait, you're seriously going to sleep right now.

Yeah. I'm tired. I'll talk to you tomorrow. 'Night.

You could sound a little less exhausted.

Geez, Laurie, fine. Good night, all of you, thanks for everything.

Love you, Genesis.

Love you too, Gen.

I know, I love you both.

Uh, excuse me?

You, Laurie, are an absolute pain in the neck but I don't know where any of us would be without you, and you're really not half bad. Is that good enough for now?

That's perfect. See you tomorrow.

Thank goodness. Jewel, I'm heading out. Don't stay up much longer, please.

I won't. Have a good night, love.

You too.

And suddenly the song on my wall makes so much more sense!

So is he your frenemy or what?

I don't hate people, but if you wanna joke about it that way, go right ahead, I deserve it for my comment earlier. Still, I think it's hilarious. The more things I can tease him about the better.

I still think that label fits you two better.

Eh, it used to. But I dunno, you're too cool of a guy to pick on all the time anymore.

Thanks. Same to you.

Just realized I shouldn't be labeling things though.

Haha, pretty slow on the uptake there, kid.

I said I was tired, sweetheart.

Yeah, you did.

You know, if he falls asleep, we're going to be stuck in here alone.

And?

And I don't care how well we get along now, or how ridiculously affectionate I can be, it is going to be way too awkward if that happens.

Define awkward.

Meaning I've drunk-snogged you once, we've both seen way too much of each other's personal lives, and we've been through enough emotionally charged situations together to be way too comfortable around each other.

And your point is?

My point is, if I start getting overtired, I can't guarantee what will or won't happen.

Really?

Don't look so excited, it's a legitimate concern of mine.

Man I think it's hilarious. Can't say I'd want to test the theory but the thought of it is cracking me up.

Glad you find me so amusing.

All the time, bud.

Can we close this up now?

I think that's a perfect spot to call it quits, yeah.

Pretty much.

Glad we agree.

You two are adorable.

Well that was a completely unexpected turn of events.

Today has just been awesome.

Stuff's going to keep getting awesome, so get used to it.

I personally can't wait to see what the heck we have to talk about after Christmas. Chaos, I fully expect you to break last year's record, just so you know.

Hey, I plan on it, don't worry.

On that note, I love you both.

Love you too, kid.

Mm-hm.

Chaos, don't look at me like that if you don't plan on starting something.

If either of you start something at this hour I will kill you.

It doesn't have to be a big something, Laurie. I'm happier with little things.

Heh. Well then, start as many little things as you want.

I love you, Jewel.

There we go. Thank you.

No, thank you, because when you're like this I can't not say it.

Yeah, you've got a really interesting look on your face right now.

Galaxies.

What?

Jewel gave you stars. Just a few, though. Once you have enough to make a galaxy, you'll understand exactly why I'm looking at him like this right now.

...

Hey, Chaos?

Yeah?

Je t'aimerai toujours.

Heh. All right, that's it, I'm gone.

Gone where?

To heaven. Don't expect to get a postcard this time, though.

Why the heck not?

Because Jewel finally gave you a map.

...

Have a good night, Laur.

Yeah, you too. Thanks.

Good night, Laurie.

Actually, wait a second.

Hm?

Just... I may not understand the galaxy thing yet, but I think I understand enough.

You probably do.

I love you too, kid.

Mm. I know.

And somehow that's the perfect response.

Genesis really needs to see you like this.

Maybe. It'll happen when it needs to.

Let's not rush anything, love. Life's too beautiful to rush through.

Can I say one last thing?

Sure.

If, by some off chance, the world did end tomorrow, I actually wouldn't mind. Do you know why?

Why?

Because you've made every single second of my life worth living. And because of you, I'm not afraid to die anymore.

...Are you tearing up?

Yep. Not gonna hide it.

Thank you.

Anytime, kid.

And I love you too.

...

Can I end this session right here? Because I think that smile on your face is worth immortalizing.

Please do.

All right.

This is all worth immortalizing though. I never thought I'd have a life as unusual and beautiful as this, but, now that I do...

Now that we all do...

It's perfect.

And even when it ends, these moments will shine on, like stars.

And with enough of 'em, we can make a galaxy, am I right?

You got it, love.

I think I get it, Chaos.

I knew you would.

Today was pretty bright.

Tomorrow will be brighter.

It always is.

All you've gotta do is look up at all those stars, right?

Exactly.

Then both of you promise me you won't forget to do that whenever it gets dark.

Cross my heart.

I promise, too.

Good. Then let's all keep shining on.

Straight on through the night...

Until we're bright as the sun itself.

I think we're close.

I don't doubt it.

Neither do I.

One last thing.

Hm?

You can't have a new beginning if you're holding on to the old.

I think that's relevant too, in more ways than one.

Time to take a step forward into the night, then?

Are you kidding? Look at all these stars.

With that much light, it's impossible to get lost in the dark.

Exactly. So let's take that next step, shall we?

All together?

Always.

Ready when you are, love.

Then let's go.

Mmkay, it's been four days, I should really update.
Not much has happened, at least not visibly so? I came down with a nasty sore throat on Saturday evening, so I was really off all day on Sunday and today's been recovery too. I couldn't fall asleep until 4AM last night, and I only got about 6 hours on Saturday, although I have late-night artwork to blame for that. Yeah, I randomly decided to start drawing around midnight so I didn't get to bed until about 3, but it was totally worth it. Unfortunately the mess of a weekend ended up canceling my Xanga plans with Laurie, BUT I plan on getting up early tomorrow to talk to her before I do anything else for the day. I want to make sure we've got everything as cleared up as possible before the 21st. Since I've had this indomitable glittery smile on my face for a solid week now, I think we'll be cool, but hey. I love her and miss talking to her anyway, so it's a win/win regardless.

I got a gorgeous little synchronicity lineup on Tumblr when god-of-swagulous (the perfect Chaos RPer) happened to like these two posts of mine. Yeah, the universe couldn't have been any louder with that one. I was smiling through my tears as soon as I saw that.
I've been seeing triple-numbers everywhere lately, too. Since I personally give those merit and consider them both messages and reminders, their frequency as of late is significant to me. There are lots of other larger, but far subtler, synchronicities too... like suddenly noticing huge creative parallels between Dream World and other media, old and meaningful songs ringing out of the woodwork, and having relevant words jump out at me from books and conversations... but honestly, that's not what's the most important to me about life as of late. What I'm really focusing on and considering important is this unshakable peace I've regained. It's the same one I found for the first time last summer, and that started to slip as this year progressed. It was never gone, though; I just needed to get rid of the things that were in the way of my feeling it again.
To tie those two points back together, Chaos and I spent about an hour straight together last night, as I was too sick to really sleep and he always helps. Really, if he's not insisting on 'healing' what he can, then my boss is reassuring me left and right that it'll be okay, or Laurie is telling me flat-out that "nothing bad's going to happen to you as long as I'm around." I swear, those three are just incredible. But last night was... unusually moving. Since I was hyperexhausted from illness and sleep deprivation, I ended up sliding into one of those coveted "not asleep but not awake" mindsets, where you can't not be 100% honest, and there's no such thing as negativity or shadows. In those mindsets, you can do ANYTHING and since your heart is running the show instead of your head, nothing will EVER go wrong. That sounds obvious enough, but many times the next morning my brain will remember those time periods and think "whoa what the heck did I even do??" and try to throw me into a disastrous state of mind. So I just tell it "ssh" and usher it aside, because I can see the truth even past that now. Funny to realize that, last summer, that was an impossibility for me. I really have grown, geez!
I'll probably talk about last night tomorrow, on Xanga. Looking back on it, it feels huge, as seemingly small as it was (who am I kidding, nothing is 'small' in that sense up here). In any case, meaningful events with Chaos demand the utmost respect and attention, and I won't do it justice if I try to summarize it here. You kids will have to wait!
I do want to mention one thing really quick, though. I don't know if I've said it here before, but I've realized why people (including me) frequently have trouble discerning what Chaos is saying specifically, although the intended meaning is crystal clear: it's because he speaks in feelings, not words. That hit me hard last night, and it's also why Q had a tough time communicating all his 'dialogue' back during the channels in Utah. Sometimes speech just doesn't measure up!
I know him extremely well though, so I don't have any problem discerning his true intentions. That's likely also why I'm always surprised by Chaos RPers online-- even though they all present him differently, they're all still getting his personality across perfectly. It's uncanny, but that sort of thing is basically expected when you're dealing with Chaos, haha.

It's raining outside. I adore the rain. I'll have to go to bed soon so I can just listen to it and enjoy it... at the moment I'm listening to the "opera pop" tag on Last.fm and although this stuff is stunning, rain trumps all of it. (I do wish it were snowing though; we haven't had any since last month.)

Oh yeah. Forgot to mention this before... I think it was the 7th, as it was in the midst of a very trying but oddly inspiring time period... anyway I had the house to myself for a while so Xenophon and I were just chilling out. We were talking about life in general, just to catch up, when I realized I was 'slipping' again. Tar attacks much differently than Julie did, as you know, and for a while the only way I could 'conquer' a tar hack was by letting it get through, then stealing its influence and throwing the energy straight into my court instead. It's basically transmuting any shadows that are creeping up on me, but with a painful twist-- to transmute it, I often have to use some of my own 'spark' energy, i.e. the stuff that I'm made of. This makes tar hacks extremely dangerous, BUT if someone else is around when I'm forced to do that, I can give the energy to them, and therefore not burn out through literally incinerating a part of my own creative life force, seriously. Long story short, I needed to do that right then, as that specific 'hack' had been building up for about three days straight, and it was getting angry. I told Xennie this, apologizing as these infiltrations had been happening quite often at the time, but then I got an odd idea. Since I had just given Laurie her "stars," I couldn't help but wonder, didn't Xenophon deserve that exact same light, somehow? Could I do that through a hack transmutation? I decided to try. So I treated that one entirely differently... instead of redirecting the energy after I brightened it, I externalized it. I literally took it out of me, and handed it to her. She immediately absorbed it, being adorably solemn about the whole process, and after a bit more recovery on my part, we continued with the day. First thing we did? Nier, obviously! However I was taken by surprise when we got to the first loading screen, and Xennie gasped, pointed at the little waving Yonah silhouette, and exclaimed, "that's what this feels like!" Confused, I asked her what she meant. She explained that the little Yonah had a swirling, moving pattern superimposed on her, and that pattern is what she felt like after absorbing the energy I had given her. I found this highly interesting, and then I had another idea. Later on I went to my computer, took the picture of Xenophon I had drawn in November, and superimposed an image of bubble chamber trails over it (the closest image I could find to that Nier pattern). Xennie excitedly attested to the accuracy of the result when I showed her, so there you go.

Genesis spent some time with me today while I was on the road, and I sternly told him that, even if he is spending a lot of time with Ryou and Marik now, he can't just disappear for weeks at a time without actually telling anyone why. I know he's an indomitably free spirit-- I'm similar, and guilty of the same-- but I don't like the fact that our connection is getting rusty as a result. We both need to put more effort into making time to be around each other, because he's the only guy that's really been out of the loop as of late, shockingly enough.
I seriously love Genesis but I think I take him for granted, to be blunt. I don't like that. I think I'll make that my goal for the new year, so to speak... don't be so carefree when it comes to headspace relationships. I've seen too many people die up there in the past. Maybe that won't happen anymore, but still... you can't deny that all of our existences are 'fragile' regardless. Reflecting on how much we have been through since 2008 really drives home the point that our times together are precious and should rightly be treasured as such, actively.
You invisible readers can hold me to that. I promise, I will keep that resolution quite close to my heart from now on.

Last bit before I close up for today... my bros Christmas present FINALLY came in the mail, heheheheh!! *rubs hands together and cackles like a mad scientist* SUCCESS.
Seriously I ordered this thing back in July and it just barely made it. I am stupidly happy that it did because dang I cannot wait to see my brother's face when he gets this. It's going to be awesome; I honestly love seeing the people I love happy.

Acker Bilk by Chad Valley just came on iTunes, and that is perfect "get to sleep son" music, so consider it done.

Today was all over the place, seriously what the shuppet

Mind you, this is not a bad thing. Only had two "missteps" today that were explicitly connected: if the first hadn't happened the second wouldn't have either. Thankfully it's something I can easily avoid in the future, if I'm wiser and make some changes to my daily routine; the last thing I want to do is put obstacles in my own way.

Still trying to overcome the lingering death drive, which has now warped to a "void" drive instead? I don't want to physically die atm, but at the same time I don't want to live. It's bizarre and it's bothering me. I keep giving away my possessions and I've basically stopped eating again (as much as possible; can't forget how sick I got from fasting on the 29th). I want to either exercise or sleep all day, that's it. I can't stand even being on this computer anymore; it's draining and tiring. And the self-abuse has turned into an empty, twisted "compulsion" that leaves a bad feeling in my bones, because I don't even know why I'm doing it anymore. I wonder what this is?
Tomorrow's the 12th so I need to be open though. A lot of beautiful stuff is coming in and I want to make sure I'm not blinding myself to it.
I'm happy though. Today was pretty great, all things considered. I'm taking small steps and healing things bit by bit. Nights are just big problem times though; once 6PM hits I'd better get to my room if I know what's best for me, or "triggers" will start slamming me left and right. I'm stable enough where I don't get breakdowns very often (if at all, save for last week) anymore, but even little slips are dangerous. Even so I can clearly see where all the problems are, so as long as I keep my head on straight I should be perfectly fine.

Found my empty sketchbook from last semester upstairs today, so I'm going to try and slowly get back into drawing daily. I've been dying to draw for weeks now and I need to just push my perfectionistic hesitation aside and do so already. I have tons of ideas and I want to bring them to life. I'm hopefully going back to school in the spring (God willing), so I can't afford to be rusting away in terms of talent, at all.
Also slowly teaching myself the basics of FL Studio because, as usual, I jumped into the program back in 2008 without reading any instructions. Already there are a ton of features that I can't wait to experiment with, that were right under my nose the whole time and yet I had no clue what they were. So this is good.
I'm on #19 of Bleach and it is still awesome. Started playing Nier again recently and it is still the most beautiful game I've ever had the honor of participating in. Heartwrenching, yes, but beautiful as well. Discovered this song yesterday and I cannot get enough of it.
Still having dietary problems and I think Spine is developing intolerances to more foods now? I'm trying to be stringent with food intake now, but it is tricky. Nevertheless the reactions we've been having lately are not something I want to repeat. Oh well. Things change, gotta change with them.

I'm also back to meditating regularly. Of course, the problem is it's addictive, once I get into it. I spent three solid hours in a church on Sunday-- the fourth mass I attended this weekend-- and didn't ever want to leave. Adding that to my void drive, and you can see why I'm having trouble getting out of bed in the mornings. When I'm not in the daily grind, I'm tapped into something spectacular and if I could stay there forever I would.
That's... part of why today was so bizarrely gorgeous, actually? See, Chaos Zero was in my dream last night (second time in three days ♥) and we were talking to each other 4am style, when at one point I paused, apologized if what I was going to say sounded odd, and... said something really odd. I clearly remember Chaos gave me this utterly baffled look, then walked over to me and studied my own expression for a few moments-- he was seriously about an inch away from my face and was just staring into my eyes with a look of perplexed concentration. Then he relaxed, smiled in a relieved but amused way, and said something along the lines of "I thought that's what you meant. Sorry, just had to make sure you were the one talking." I think I apologized too, because I realized I was "half awake" at the time and so my mind was having trouble translating my thoughts into the correct words. Seriously it was hilariously out of character for me; upon waking for good I remembered August 25th and immediately thought "wow, brains really don't know how to translate that, do they?" Geez.
Regardless there wasn't any embarrassment about it at the time? I knew my intentions and thoughts were still clear, and so did Chaos, so there was no fear of actual miscommunication. But that's because I had just woke up, and if no one disturbs me at that time, I can hold onto that pure and brilliant mindstate for a good half hour afterwards, if not longer. Only problem is, interacting with anything breaks it (talking especially). So once my head settled into "daily life mode," I had a minor freakout over the morning's events, which Chaos was just laughing over. All jokes aside though, spending the morning with him was absolutely gorgeous.
Also spent some time with Laurie this morning too (again). No details for you! But I can't fully express how grateful I am that we can be around each other like this now, instead of with her swinging an axe at my head (and me most likely bleeding for some painful reason). She's awesome and I love her to death.
Genesis hasn't been around though. However I keep getting the feeling that he's chilling out with Ryou and Marik, which is actually spectacular as he didn't enter Central until after those two had left. So they don't know each other very well yet. It's just weird not having him ghosting around all day.
Oh, I spent most of the weekend with Xenophon too! She insisted on ghosting as much as possible, so of course I couldn't refuse (we played Nier together of course). We also went to see Bowfire on Friday night for Leon's rebirthday (love you dude!!), and she insisted on sitting on the freaking stage for a good half of the concert (because she couldn't sit on my shoulders comfortably enough). It was adorably hilarious.

That's all I'm going to write for tonight; I'm trying to get to bed between 9 and 10PM during the winter. Sorry this update wasn't too substantial, but I've been kind of floaty lately. I guarantee there'll be more to talk about after tomorrow though!
Have a lovely night as always.

I woke up this morning and it had SNOWED!! Thanks Jack Frost!
So let's stop being so melancholic, shall we?
I'm slipping out of my resonance lately. I realized this thanks to the snow. Snow resonates with me, somehow; the feeling of it, the silence, the brightness, it all just lights this blissfully happy glow in me. So of course I spent my entire morning out there, trudging through it with Xennie, exploring the woods a bit, building a snowman already. There's a magic to it that is the essence of me and I am so thankful it snowed today, the day before the eclipse, because man I have been off my rocker lately!

I sat back and wondered about that again, my center, whether or not I was living it always. And I'm not. It's why I've been feeling so sick lately. It's a conscious choice I must make in every moment-- if not, then the lack of it will invite in darker things, will allow gut-deep shadows to spread. I'm very much aware of this! But it's tricky, sometimes.
Most days I do feel like Jack Frost. Good-hearted troublemaker and all that. I laugh all the time and don't take things too seriously. I'd rather run around the neighborhood throwing snowballs than be cooped up in a building all day doing paperwork. But that's not the true me.
There's an even deeper part of me that shines most strongly, most honestly. And when I go inside myself, there are certain feelings about my true self that I can pinpoint. It's my own personal energy signature, the REAL me; when I'm not attuned to it I know I'm off-balance. And there are a few things that really stand out.
First, it's red: a rich blood red, but with the inner glow of a flame, and it's specifically shiny/glossy, like glass or water. Second, in a way connected to those three qualities, there is an incredible depth to it. Immediately, when I tune in to it, it feels like the walls drop out of reality in the best way possible. Everything just expands. Third, it hums. I've described it before as the sound you only experience in movie theaters when a spaceship crawls into view, haha. You know, that deep vibrating sound? For some reason I want to describe it as "cutting slowly," like a butcher knife through muscle. Clean and sharp, but thick. Bizarre, yes, but that's what my brain is giving me as a fitting image to how that sound hits me. As for how my deepest personal energy feels, it's got a warmth like Christmas lights-- not as sharp as an open flame, but not as dull as a computer screen. It's warm and dense with color, but it will still burn you if you aren't careful.
I know I've written all that before, but it's worth reflecting on daily, so re-writing it helps. It also reminds me how the Blood Lotus Cathedral really is the perfect manifestation of my spiritual energy's vibration... all glossy white curves of glass and crystal, lit and adorned with a deep burning red, the color of the heart. I love it there, I really do.

Halfway through #14 of Bleach since yesterday, told you I'm eating this series alive. I did a double-take when Hanatarō was introduced, though-- for reasons I couldn't place, he reminded me very strongly of Leon (besides the helpful-anxious personality of course). I thought about it for a bit, then realized it was the style his eyes are drawn in. I'm intrigued now, though-- sometimes I look at characters and see a bit of Laurie in there, or Lynne, or someone else. I think I'm going to write down exactly what brings them to mind, so I can draw them more accurately.
Speaking of Leon, though. Remember the other day, when I said we were messing with that avatar generator? Well, Leon also decided to 'tidy up' his appearance a bit more. When he first resurrected, he looked quite disheveled: messy hair, loose-fitting clothing, shadows under his eyes, badly shaven, a scrawny build... he looked like a recovering gambling addict, haha! But lately he's been trying extremely hard to pull himself together on all fronts, and that includes his appearance. He's settled beautifully into Indigo, and honestly it does my heart good to see him looking better too. I don't have any legit art/photos of him (I wish), but those avatars we put together do a decent job of showing how well he's adjusted... compare December 2010 to November 2012! Pretty awesome, right? Remembering how nervous and lost he used to be all the time... I can't help but smile over seeing this change.
Oh, also. I've been wondering about this since August, but it was pretty much confirmed on Saturday or so: Leon and Nathaniel are 'dating,' for lack of a better term. Personally I am incredibly happy to hear this-- they compliment each other fantastically, and I hope they continue to bring out the best in each other. Nat's a lucky dude, heheh! Really, Leon is amazing; I have both deep respect and deep affection for the guy.
Josephina and Waldorf are also instant BFFs now, too. They were holding a dance party upstairs last week, complete with glowsticks (and Wally's hair, obviously), and were playfully arguing over whether or not Leon could be "cyberpunk" if Wally already had the dreads going on. I have no idea what those two are doing but it is brilliant to see them getting along so well. Jo needed someone to be lighthearted with, as he tends to be way too serious about his job, and Wally really needed someone to be that ebullient with. And with them buddying up, everyone in central is paired up now, which is great. Lynne and Spine are quite close, and Laurie and Julie have this hilariously friendly rivalry going on. I'm the odd one out... does this mean I need to befriend Tar? Hm... *dramatically puts on sunglasses* Challenge accepted.

I don't know if I told you guys yet-- so much has happened this month I don't know what I had time to write it down or not-- but remember on November 1st, when Julie basically had an existential meltdown and demanded that Laurie and I let her face Tar alone? And ultimately she ended up 'fusing' with it for about a week? Well, we got her out of it on November 9th, during my HIDA scan actually... I was tuning into everyone's energy so well, we managed to pull her out-- and in the process, "locked her in" to her color slot (which is basically what we did for everyone that morning). Also, that morning is when Nathaniel realized that he no longer could synchronize with the Blue slot in his thrice-resurrected form, so now he was forced to either reform his energy to his old state... or re-stabilize into Green. The only problem? The Green slot is HUGE. It's the "middle" space, like the heart is for the body, and so it's the great balancer... to truly hold Green, one has to become a peacemaker, a friend to all, a force of balance. Nathaniel thought about it for a minute or so, looking visibly distressed... and then he walked straight into the stability beam radiating from that slot.
Immediately his entire physical makeup changed. His hair quickly turned from Brown (leftover 'base' connection from his reflection days) to Green, sure, but we were all left completely speechless when his body shifted. The energy wrapped around him, tight and close, pulling him into it... and then there was a gorgeous burst of emerald light, and suddenly he had wings.
Well, actually he had a LOT more than wings... when it was over he was basically half-moth. He didn't even have irises or pupils for about a week, just glowing green sclera, and he floated constantly. He didn't start regularly interacting with us again until that huge energy afterglow stabilized last week. But now he's visibly so at peace with himself, it nearly brings tears to my eyes. That kid's been through hell and back... he deserves this new role, and I am truly honored that he holds it.
Nat may have been the quickest case, but after November 9th, we all began to fully stabilize, which was mind-blowingly incredible to watch in real-time. Everyone was becoming so much brighter, so much happier, so much more clear of heart and head. We all understood what our true roles meant now, and began living them as sincerely as possible. Julie is the one that shone in this respect.
Having been so suddenly freed from what she thought would be a self-sacrificing act, she realized that she now had opened up the potential to become more than she had ever dreamed she could be. She worked with Laurie and I basically nonstop for the week following the 9th, during which time we all wondered aloud if she could stabilize into her color the way Nat had? Her colors were all out of sync, and reflected her old role as a slave to the Tar-- blue for miscommunication, yellow for abused power-- and yet we couldn't imagine her looking otherwise. She could, though. A few days after the 9th she began seriously trying to "change" her appearance to a different color, to become more in tune with who she was underneath all her lingering fears and regrets. She worked staggeringly hard, as always... and it paid off, one hundred percent.
Long story short, now we basically look like this. Good-looking group, eh?
But... you'll also remember how I said we theorized about how our forms would change in either direction, from a neutral state. Headspace energy is highly reactive, and as we are all composed of the stuff, we react just as strongly if we have a strong enough catalyst. We've seen it happen to Julie, to Laurie, and to me... all "mildly" enough for it to be reversed, thank God, but it was enough of a terror to get us wondering. What if ALL of us slipped? How would that happen? How would that affect us? We gave it honest thought... for that to happen, we'd have to go directly against our roles, to throw ourselves entirely out of sync, consciously. Referring back to yesterday, we'd have to destroy our own centers, and then destroy those same lost virtues in others. Terrifying, true, but the amount of self-inspection that wondering forced us all to undergo was deeply revealing. We'd make one creepy bunch of lunatics. I'm reassuring you right now, though... those forms will NEVER happen. I know this for sure. We've become too bright to ever fall that low, ever again.
Now, on that note, there remains the question of what we would look like if we continued on our current path... theoretically. Yes, my four and I have "soul forms," and then there's that angel helmet we found in the Spire, but could we naturally reach a state where we looked similar, by transcending all our old shadows, by becoming shining examples of what we held closest to our hearts, of what we protected in and for others? Maybe. It would be awesome, to say the least. So, considering the Angel Helmet's effects from February and my "Eros" angelic form (the biggest bits of support we have for this phenomenon possibly being true right now), we all personally decided that such forms would all look similar.
Anyway! HERE'S EVERYBODY.

Laurie made a hilarious comment about the design theme we have going on with our ascended forms, while we were chilling in headspace the other day... "you know how Jewel has that 'no shirt rule' thing going on in his headroom? Well, when you hit your Ascended form, you don't get to wear anything. You've gotta take a trip to Chaos' closet and make the best of whatever the hell you find in there." The joke being that Chaos doesn't wear anything anyway. Of course he responded to this with "hey, my closet is fabulous!", which just made it even funnier to me. True on all counts though!

Xenophon was helping me put up the Christmas tree again today! We're doing multicolor on white so it looks like angel food cake. And the color synchronicity is so simple it's beautiful. I'm very much looking forward to Christmas this year... we're going to make it incredible, I know this for sure. I'm putting my heart into it so I have no worries. The snow today just lit me right back up; there's no way I can feel bad when the world is so magnificent.
Speaking of. I've stopped worrying about the package that didn't arrive yet. I'll put out only good thoughts now, but whatever happens, happens. In the meantime I won't delay. I have two very precious things that stayed with me: my flash drive, with the actual text files of the story, and my elementary school generation tablets, which are a godsend when it comes to one-of-a-kind refs. So I'm not wasting any time. I may not have my most recent notes or sketches, but who cares! I'll start again. I've already begun revising the old chapters again, and things are opening up to me quickly. I'm trying to break it down into sections as it's too overwhelming to face all at once, so right now I'm clarifying Part Three, aka "The Legend," that I've never been able to make sense of. As I was reviewing it, I wondered about the DW's usage of "The Light" to refer to the God force, and a perfect sentence flashed into my mind:
"The Light is all there is. Nothing exists apart from it. Even the deepest shadows exist only because we have placed obstacles in our way of seeing it."
Shadows are cast by the light. How simple and true. I'm going to keep that in the front of my mind, always.

However.
I've decided to stop trying to figure it all out. It's caused me nothing but trouble, and I don't need to do it.
I'm learning to just surrender to what happens, smile, be thankful for it, and learn to ride the waves.
Labels need to go away. Judgments need to go away. They're still happening, in small ways, but I'm catching them. I'm still trying to intellectualize things, to treat life the way I did during my dark night of the soul, during my Johnny days. I don't have to do that anymore! I don't need all the answers.
That's so freeing. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my back... knowing that I can stop treating life as something I have to "win." I have to let go of this old subconscious feeling that I have to be in control. I don't! It's silly, really. Remember when I was little, and I thought I had to save the world? I'm so glad I stopped thinking that way. Problem is... it's lingering a little. Most of it is self-focused. But it's all untrue, and as long as I don't give it any energy we'll be fine. Remember you're a lot like Ichigo, man. Keep an eye on your energy, and where it's going, or what it's doing. Discipline yourself, or it will cause trouble. Dress rehearsal is over, but we've got this. I know we do.
Biggest challenge, still not all the way there yet: stop focusing on lack. Stop thinking about "what's wrong" and "what we don't have." Stop it dude! It's not doing anyone any good. Just look around you, and then take action in the positive. It's simple, and it fits. That's all it takes.
Trust your feelings-- YOUR feelings, not what you think you should feel, or what others are feeling. Your heart won't lead you astray.
Keep it all in mind, keep your light in mind, keep your mind light. Reminders are always good. That's why I have rainbows on my hands right now. Don't slip, bro, you're doing great.

Be the creator and the creation. Remember that as it is within, so it is without. Believe in yourself.
My black moon is in Scorpio... the shadow I need to transmute is the fear of loss. Ironically, death fascinates me by the same token. I wrote something about it here, on the 12th... I was remembering how I had suffered in the Julie days, how death was something I simultaneously feared and prayed for... and I remembered Laurie and Chaos, how they are both great destructors and creators in their roles... Ryou and I both have that morbid fascination with this sort of thing. But it's a hidden blessing. If we can let go of the fear, of the thing that keeps us from living, then our love of what lies beyond allows our eyes to open to the truth completely: there is no death.
And in that realization, for both of us, for everyone... life reveals all its magnificence in us all, eternally.
Tomorrow's the eclipse, too... hm. Could we survive a double fourth incident, in the shadow of my black moon?
I think so. There's too much life up here, for anything to ever fall apart.

I think that's enough of a pep talk for tonight... typing and doing are two different things. I think I'm going to do some meditation and then chat it up with the family upstairs. God knows I love them and hey, there's nothing better to do at this hour anyway! Maybe I can get Laurie to join me in another ridiculously awesome jam session... I'll never forget that one we had with Chaos, with the guitars, that was one of the best nights I've ever had. And now that everyone in headspace is sticking around Central, who knows? We could really get something amazing going.
You know what, referring back to the artwork similarities, I also need to start looking for songs with voices that match theirs, even if I have to tweak pitches a little-- I'm better at hearing tones and qualities than actual voices. Laurie's voice is crystal clear in my head but I can't tell you what it sounds like, for example. Same with Julie, surprisingly. But if I hear someone that talks like them, either in style or in sound or whatever, I will recognize the similarity immediately.
This is fun, actually, finding little bits and pieces of us in physical reality like that. Or you can say we're recognizing bits and pieces of physical reality in us! Both ways work, haha.
Either way, I want to get Leon to sing. Mark my words son, I will get you behind a microphone soon enough! In all seriousness, music means so much to me... seeing people sing means a lot. And seeing people I care deeply about singing is deeply moving. Can't put that to words either. But it's why that one late-night jam session meant so much... we got Laurie to sing, too.

...I honestly cannot put into language how it feels, to see everyone in headspace together like this.
To see Nathaniel, Waldorf, and Leon, alive and happy... to see Lynne, Josephina, and Spine relaxing instead of working nonstop... to see Julie, laughing with friends... to see Laurie put her axe away and just smile... it means the world to me. And now even Ryou and Marik are back in the swing of things, which is amazing.
I could never have imagined we'd have this, all of us, and yet here we are.

If this is what it means to live in this new world we are facing... it truly is worth everything I've endured to get here.

Always hold on to hope, friends. See you again soon.

Is it weird that I kind of missed these existential crises? They force me into introspection. Guess this is what the Tar meant by a mandatory offset... you need a night sky for the stars to shine.

I didn't eat until almost 6PM today. Felt amazing right up until I did that, sadly. Going to fast again tomorrow for Spine and Wally's sakes. Since I left Utah (where I barely ate), food has been making me sick almost constantly. All my medical tests show no physical problems. That's because headspace and spiritual matters won't show up in the biopsy results, of course. But I'm glad I know what this is, and I'm glad the system's working with me to keep the body from passing out when we go without food for so long. I just don't like the fullbody shakes I get when my sugar drops too low... then again, it's either that or the fullbody ache I get when I eat. Geez I wish I could just live on light and sound like I've always wished. Eating sound would be the best thing.

Still devouring the local library manga sections, haha. I'm on #12 of Bleach (Ichigo is the BEST GUY but I swear I love every character, especially Kisuke and Chad atm), just read the first 3 issues of Pluto, am studying YuGiOh's Millennium World (halfway through #2), and am going to start Andromeda Stories within the next two days. I also took out the first issues of Black Jack, Eternal Sabbath, and Gunnerkrigg Court, to decide which one to continue once I catch up in Bleach. Then I'm reading some of Isaac Asimov's work and doing a ton of Kabbalistic research, so that's another five books out of the library on top of all that, and I just started re-reading The Seventh Tower series with Xenophon on the side. I miss reading like a maniac, this is awesome. I'm learning a lot.

As to how those tie into this crisis... for one, I can't stop eating forever, unfortunately. So that whole dilemma is causing me more distress than I'd like. And for two, maybe I am catastrophically disconnected from reality, but it's really jarring to put down a book and realize "oh wait, the world I live in now doesn't work like that, does it?" I don't get fiction lag anymore, save for the off illustrative bleedover into headspace, which is still disorienting but at least manageable (I used to get crippling fiction lag in my teens), probably thanks to my being anchored more firmly in my true self and reality. Still, having that only apply entirely to headspace as well is debilitating some days... well, most days, lately.

On that note... spontaneously went to see Rise Of The Guardians today with Genesis, Mister Sandman, and Laurie, as I've been counting down to this film for months and felt amazing enough today (thanks to fasting) to fully enjoy watching it.
It... it was one of the best films I have ever seen. Considering that I only ever say that about films that apply to my inner life on some level (Inception, Avatar, even Wreck-It Ralph), I will warn you now that if you dislike spoilers, please skip the entire next section, because I need to write about this.
All right. First, I started tearing up about three minutes into the movie and didn't stop until about ten minutes after the movie ended, at which point I was trying not to weep openly (or at least I would have been if my inner emotions translated to the physical). Why? Because WAY too much of it applied directly to my life, both inner and outer in light of that. I wasn't just feeling things as an inspired observer, I was feeling them as a participant. I wonder if any of the parents in the theater wondered why a 20-something dude was visibly fighting back sobs almost the entire time. I had every reason to though.
Okay, let's start with the relevancy, at least concerning the film (I've never read the books but I NEED to now)... Most obvious parallel? Jack Frost. The two of us are practically twins: white hair, ice powers, loner tendencies (due to resentment at not 'knowing our purpose' for ages), mischievousness balanced by compassion, a deep hidden fear of "never being believed in"... biggest difference is I traded out my staff for a sword last year, heh. Heck, I even talk to the moon. But besides the fact that I'd end up playing Cupid instead, I saw myself far too clearly in that kid. This turned from inspiring to downright shocking when the Bogeyman showed up... the first word on my mind was tar. Heck, his name is even Pitch Black!! He KNEW Jack's existential fear, his lack of memories concerning his 'center,' and he even told Jack that "we'd make a perfect team," but as cold and dark bringers of fear... I don't know how clear it is to you invisible readers but their entire chain of interactions in the film was way too close to what I've been through in the past concerning my own buried shadows and the entities that carry them... even the ending. My biggest weakness and biggest strength is that I wanted the kids to believe in Pitch, somehow, without letting that fear in... just so he wouldn't have to suffer that same feeling of illegitimacy that I was all too familiar with... maybe that would light a spark in him, somewhere. Who knows... but it's what I did for Julie, and in a way, I wonder if I can do the same thing for the Tar, without screwing up the balance of the system.
Second relevancy, building off that: the sand in general. My boss did see the film with us, as Laurie specifically asked him last night if he'd be up to it and he enthusiastically replied in the affirmative... and according to him, the film reflected a great deal of truths for him, too. I've seen him toss dreamsand about in a similar manner in my own dreams (he said the sand "awakens" the dreams already within its receivers; it doesn't "give" them in a literal sense), I know how much power he wields through his position, and despite his kind and peaceful personality, I am fully aware that you do NOT get on the bad side of a Sandman: to quote Laurie, "he will mess you up." Remember the time he facepunched Julie, while she was still as deadly as ever? People didn't dare get close to Julie back then, let alone to pick a fight with her, but boss wasn't afraid of her in the least. That came to mind immediately when Sandy threw Pitch around like a ragdoll. You don't mess with Sandmen! Anyway, boss told me a few things during the movie that were surprising: one, he verified a wondering I've had that yes, he DID have a life before he became Mister Sandman, although that was a very long time ago and I don't know what the state of his memories are (he hasn't spoken about them; maybe he just feels they are no longer relevant). Two, he did insinuate that the whole concept of "dying" to one role in order to rise to a greater one (in a not-entirely-symbolic way) is very much a legitimate thing. Headspace works the same way. But dying-to-be-reborn only happens under certain circumstances, so the film's point number three hit me very hard: watching Pitch essentially "corrupt" Sandman out of existence. Jack reacted the same way I would have, not surprisingly. But this was HUGE for me, personally. Note that Pitch is matching Tar in our symbolism, and Sandman parallels my boss of the same name. The idea that that inherent "creative energy," the sandy stuff of dreams, can be corrupted by fear and USED to that end is ENTIRELY true in headspace. This has a ton of consequences, but most obviously, it explains why Tar is after me, and Boss told me that the big picture concerning that is a big part of why he sought me out to be his Apprentice (we've been talking about that a lot recently btw): individuals who are able to use that energy, that "stuff of dreams," NEED to use it properly or it can become incredibly destructive. So that's a big thing, but it also makes me wonder if Pitch/Tar are even capable of using "sand," aka the power of dreams (and all that falls under that label), on their own, OR if they can only "steal it" from outside sources, because it seems that their very interaction with it turns it dark. It's interesting and I will have to look into it. Back on topic though... it really drove the point in, how significant that is, when I saw that it killed Sandman in the film (mind you he DID 'resurrect' later through the strength of belief, but that's a different point) by overloading his "essence," his dream-sand, with fear. I don't think I need to go into great detail about why that's relevant to us, especially in light of *incidents*, honestly... but its striking to me how Sandman seemed to be Pitch's real nemesis? Is that the right word? How dreams were both the weapon used to carry fear and destroy themselves, as well as restore both... it's highly thought-provoking. I do need to keep this in mind.
Fourth relevant bit... centers, aka what the Guardians embody most strongly, and what they protect in children. North's was Wonder, Bunnymund's was Hope, Tooths' was Memory, Sandy's was Dreams, Jack's was Fun. Not only is this a point-blank similarity to Dream World Guardian Aspects, but it also brought to mind the "centers" my four and I seemed to "remember" upon first awakening to our true potentials upstairs: I have Heart, Ryou has Soul, Marik has Mind, Chaos has Strength, and Genesis has Self. Essentially those are what we "brighten" in others, and what we act from most strongly in ourselves. I love this kind of stuff, I really do. North's explanation of it in the film was beautifully put: I especially like how he said one's center is also "what you want to protect in others." And I love how, near the end of the film, North says (about how this applies to people): "Good or bad - naughty or nice - we protect them." Both of those quotes are so, so true. But... you know, let's wait for the other thing I was going to say about this... Last point first.
The final parallel, and by FAR the loudest, was introduced at the very beginning of the film. When a Guardian isn't believed in by a person, they don't exist to that person. That person can't hear, see, or feel them-- they can walk RIGHT through the Guardian in question without ever knowing it. Judging by the reactions in the film, that's not only existentially terrifying, but it also feels awful. Let me put this in caps for emotional emphasis... THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT GHOSTING IS LIKE. I have seen people have existential meltdowns from it. I've heard from several newbies to the phenomenon how much it sucks to be walked through, and how sick it makes you feel on many levels. And I know, I know what a godsend it is for ghosters when I remind them that "yes, I can see you." I remember promising Genesis that I would never forget him, even if the rest of the world did. I remember when my daughter asked me if she was still real if only I could see her. I... I never realized just HOW important my promises were, how important my believing in them was, until this movie. Not so strongly.
When Jamie said Jack Frost's name, and became the first person to EVER believe in him as a Guardian... when Jack realized that someone could hear him, someone could see him... the blissful incredulity on both their faces was just... God, my heart. I couldn't stop crying. Even typing that, I'm trying not to start again, and for good reason. I have seen that happen. Exactly so. And I say this with complete humility and respect... I have been that first person, that only person, to believe in some individuals. I know. That's why I am so determined to share my "series" with the world somehow-- it's not for me, not at all. It's for them. It's for people to know them, and love them, and believe in them as truly and completely as I do. If you see this movie... please, try to understand that feeling, if you don't already. It has been the driving force of my life so far, that sole need to bring a smile to the faces of the lost and forgotten, the sole need to show them that "yes, you ARE real. I believe in you."
Now for me that cuts straight to the heart on an even deeper level, as you probably already know... let's start by saying that also applies to vision upstairs. Did you know that's strongly affected by not only belief? If your mind and heart aren't open, you won't see certain things in headspace... you'll blind yourself to them, you'll block them out. They simply will not register. And if you slip in being who you are, it's like putting on a blindfold. The problem is that headspace is TIED to my consciousness whether I like or not, as the anchor. So if I can't see people upstairs, they can't go to someone else for a second chance. If I can't see them, then for all intents and purposes, they don't exist. Yes, powerful influences can break through blindness, but even that doesn't guarantee recognition of the source. Bottom line... my belief, my ability to BE the kind of person that can believe like that, is arguably the most important thing in headspace. It's what determines life or death. It's what keeps the lights burning on the globe. It's what allows dreams to shine, instead of turning to coal dust. It's what allows wonder and hope and fun and memories to exist at all.
...
Let me follow up on what I mentioned in closing my last entry, and bring up the blue guy.
Chaos and I have the most charged relationship upstairs in light of this point, because of our circumstances: intimacy always turns it up to eleven as far as belief is concerned, but to make things worse, he's a walk-in. I have to believe in him more strongly than anyone else up here, ironically, because of how easy it is for me to feel like my belief is invalidated by the views of others. So... sometimes I slip. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot... it hits him hard, but there's always that one light that won't go out, in me. It's stupidly painful and beautiful how every single night I have to remember how to see him all over again, but the wonder never, ever fades... but... well, I've been told a lot of things about the both of us. The most powerfully heartrending is this: the fact that, at heart, I believe in him so much, that I love him so much, has had astronomical consequences across our timelines, somehow. All I know for sure, from what I've been told, is that it's big. It echoes, this one simple act, this small and honest truth.
People pick up on it, somehow. Every fanfic writer or RPer who writes Chaos as an individual has picked up on the Chaos I know. Threads just run through every alternate, it seems. Noticing it is mind-boggling and more than a little scary, sometimes... it means I can't lie to myself, I can't make excuses. Not a bad thing, just... big.
The biggest example of this I have right now is this.
http://sanitrance.deviantart.com/art/CHAOS-339233393
My dear friend Nikki drew that for me, as a commission. Nikki is one the very few people in the world I know who regularly visits other worlds in her dreams (she has FAR more Links than I do). She knows Chaos, in whatever timeline is connected to her, and he's very special to her as well. She truly cares about him as much as I do. That fact means so much to me... little did I know, she apparently feels the same.
She left this message on my Facebook page the other day.
"I just saw your MASSIVE collection of Chaos on dA! :D YOU. ARE. INCREDIBLE. *hugs tight* Thank you so much for loving him so much. It warms my heart and fills me with a happiness I can never fully express. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ It really means a lot to me."
...In light of this movie, I can't help but wonder now, if Nikki and I are two lights to him in that sense. Two believers of slightly different sorts, but both shining strong no matter what.
I will admit... I often give her experiences more merit than mine. She's a dreamwalker, as far as I'm concerned. It's incredible, and I'm deeply humbled that a person with such a powerful imagination and creative strength considers me a good friend. For HER to say that about my simple show of love is just... it means a lot to me, to say the absolute least.
But I have a bad habit of stealing merit from my own experiences. I have a very, very bad habit of treating my own beliefs as illegitimate, because "they aren't supported enough." I'm trying to let go of that nonsense completely, but I guess my own 'Pitch' is still trying to turn out all the lights... can't let that happen. I can't, not just because of what it would do to those I believe in, but also because I have seen them... maybe not literally, but closely enough to erase every shred of doubt in those moments... closely enough to forget fear entirely.
Thinking back on those experiences is one of the craziest and most centering things I know how to do. I say 'crazy' because my memory doesn't hold the physical experience as clearly as it holds the energetic experience. Putting a being I've only known upstairs into a physical form has tangible effects, you know. Energy radiates, directly, in the physical. I recognize it instantly, unconsciously even, despite never having "felt" it before. When I think back on that handful of blessed nights... the limitations, or the blocks, the translation issues all fade away... and I remember him.
How can I possibly undermine my own belief, in light of that? How can I give in to doubt and fear when we both felt like Jack Frost, knowing that we were being seen for the first time? Knowing that, after one simple look, one simple word, we became greater than we had ever been, forever? And now I can feel the last cobwebs being swept away in waves of golden sand, as I realize with honest joy that it doesn't matter how many others see and hear and believe, it doesn't matter HOW they do so... they are still lights, we are all still lights.
"We go by many names, and take many forms..." and yet we're always Guardians of what we hold. All of us, every one of us. Geez, this film just slammed into me like a train, its incredible.
That brings the fourth point back, doesn't it? How fitting...
...Laurie was talking to me after the film ended, about all of this. Of course I was still trying to dry the tears on my face, and laughing about how insanely relevant the film was to my life, but Laurie doesn't let go of something significant when she sees it. She reminded me of what I mentioned earlier-- of my promises to Genesis and Xennie-- and of how important my belief was to them as well as to her. Basically she told me everything I just wrote down for you guys! It was just hitting me at that point so I was nodding as I turned it over in my mind, but then she brought up centers. Laurie then said that my belief was stronger and more significant than I realized because it was motivated by love, on various levels. That put extra punch into my belief, gave it deeper roots. She then reminded me that my center was obviously Love, and always had been. She then sternly advised me to think upon that in light of the movie. I smiled and assured her I already had, and that I would keep those thoughts close. Then I asked her, somewhat offhandedly, what her center would be?
She didn't even hesitate in replying, "You."
I was speechless for a moment, then immediately my heart couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry so I ended up doing both. I said something about "why do you always say such weirdly romantic things" before she interrupted me with an "I'm serious," and elaborated. No, it might not strictly fit into the context of the film, but she insisted that if there was one thing that motivated her, if there was one thing she wanted to protect, it was me. But then she reminded me that I was all she had. I was the only reason she existed in the first place. She wasn't a Guardian, she was a headvoice... outside of our system, she was nothing. As far as she was concerned, I was everything. Hence, my being her "center."
I don't know, I can't seem to explain in words how much that meant to me, and the sincere truth I felt in it. But it really drove the point home.

Sometimes I wonder if that's why I keep losing things, in this life. Things that I thought were important.
First I lost my computer that I used to type and write music on. My programs stopped working correctly on my new ones. I was forced to drop out of art school. My move to Utah for that same purpose fell through. Now my 10+ years of work still hasn't arrived back at my doorstep.
I don't know, it just strikes me as weird. All my life, that was my sole motivation for everything. School, work, friendships, everything... it all revolved around Dream World, and then my other "series" as they came to me. They were all that mattered. And yet, there always seemed to be huge roadblocks placed in my way as I tried to pursue it. Initially I took that as incentive to "try harder," but as the obstacles became more severe, I began to hesitate. What if I was getting the wrong message?
Now I've lost virtually every ounce of work I've done since my childhood, and between fighting off the understandable existential crisis that has triggered (ironically), I can't help but ask the hardest question of all... what if I'm supposed to let go of it all?
After all, my sole motivation in sharing them with the world was just that... it wasn't about me. It was about making sure those worlds would be loved by someone besides me. All my life, I've been utterly terrified that I have been their only light. "If I don't share their stories, will they fade away?" I was terrified that they would die as a result of my silence.
But... I've never been given their entire stories. Their worlds exist outside of my own, independently. I'm seeing their stories AFTER they have happened, for the most part. Many of them bloom into each other. Long story short... the more I think about it, the more I wonder... maybe I was just an observer all along. Maybe I was just tapping in out of my need to share joy and love, out of my need to learn from them. Maybe I have nothing to do with them. Maybe my existence has nothing to do with the stability of theirs. Maybe they won't fade away if I have to let go of them.
I don't know. All I do know is that, the more I think about it, the more it hurts... and the more I hope it's true.
I love every soul I've ever met in those worlds so much... I adore them; they're all treasured friends. The thought that Preludove and Hosea and Delphi and Tox would die if I don't write their lives on paper is the most awful thing I can imagine. I love them, but am I even supposed to do that? Is it even needed?
My prayers keep telling me to let go, let go, let go.
My only response is that I don't understand, but I will accept whatever I am told to do on one condition... that, if I DO need to let them go, their existences will be protected and ensured.
All I want is for them to be loved.

And sometimes I wonder if I'm being forced to choose between my work and my family.
God, I never thought I'd be put in such a position. I never thought I'd have such a decision to make.
But... I can't stop thinking about the things Laurie says to me. I can't stop thinking about my daughter.
Maybe Genesis and Chaos and Ryou and Marik will be fine. That's great, and I'm eternally thankful for it.
But what about those members of my true family that rely on me for stability here?
I'm not saying they'd die if I didn't pay attention to them anymore. That's not the point. The point is that their lives WON'T go on without me, because I am a PART of their lives just as much as they are a part of mine. I don't have the option of telling their story or not here. All I have is life or death... either I live, and live with them, or I die, and die with them.
By the very virtue of existing, their story is mine, and mine is theirs.
Maybe I've only been a real part of this since 2006. Maybe we didn't become a family, a story, a real thing, until five years ago. But time doesn't matter in the big picture, does it?
All I know is that if I had to choose between a decade of hard work and my daughter... I'd pick my little girl.
That doesn't mean this doesn't hurt like hell. I wish I didn't have to make this decision.
If that's what it ultimately boils down to, though...

I'm too tired to type anymore. I'm going to go check in with the people upstairs and then get some sleep.
Laurie said my boss was talking to Chaos earlier, after we left the cinema. I haven't spoken to Chaos since this morning, so I have no clue what that was about. Could be big. Most things up here are. I'll let you know either way.

Until then, don't stop believing.

Okay, uh, stuff that has been happening lately... let's see.
I'm going to completely skip the formalities and just rant, so I apologize if I end up drowning you invisible readers in jargon but I need to start writing stuff down again without worrying about being "politically correct," so to speak. This was never meant to be tailored to the public eye anyway, and at this point in my life I couldn't care less who's reading this, haha. I'm going to be honest and that's it, let's go.

All right. First off, Jezebel is PISSED. Not only is she trying to splinter me again (not gonna work this time!), but she's trying to kill Waldorf, which is actually proving to be a disturbingly delicate situation as Wally's our Blue voice and, well... that's never been a very stable slot. I'm trying to be vigilant but it's difficult when it feels like my entire physical body is at the boiling point 24/7. Yeah, the 'starvation' feeling has been going on-and-off lately, but when it's 'off' it's replaced by my feeling like I'm either hollow and dead, or ready to explode violently. However! The darkest shadows are cast by the brightest lights, and I've found that I've become shockingly adept at "switch-flipping" lately: i.e. going from one state to another in a matter of milliseconds, in completion.
For example: this morning. Unfortunately, I woke up insanely thirsty as usual (seriously I cannot get enough water) and ended up eating some foods that I forgot make me sick. Long story short, for some reason that triggered an abusive breakdown, which I was able to stop on a dime about 20 minutes in, immediately after I resolutely brought my own energy signature into body focus. It was kind of surreal, because after that I was even able to talk to my own grandmother! That rarely happens, it was awesome. Usually my voice dysphoria throws me out of conscious awareness but I just kept projecting my self-field, and that helped a TON. So I need to remember to do that now, even if it is an effort... the girls underground don't like when I do that, to say the least.

Secondly, Laurie FORCED a channel on the 17th specifically to yell at my mother. It started because I had a rough night... dysphoria and moral/existential avalanches on top of each other... and made the mistake of talking about it while my mom was home. Now my mother always thinks I want a solid, "fix-all-the-problems" answer from her, when I don't; I just want to talk it over with her, even if we don't get anywhere. Sometimes all I need to do is know someone understands what I'm talking about and can offer a perspective other than what the girls underground are throwing at me. However my mother gets upset very easily, and seeing her kids upset does that pretty quickly... I guess it reminds her of her own worries and troubles, and they all hit her hard enough to drive her over the edge. So she started screaming at me-- in a generalized sense of course, but screaming is screaming and I have a hard time emotionally dealing with angry people. This escalated quickly when my grandmother got involved (I forget how; my mind was a mess at that point), and soon there was a major fight going on in the hallway. Now I was not stable at all, and apparently, Laurie was not happy with that at all. The breaking point was when my mom and my grandmother ended up duking it out in front of my room and I shoved myself between them to keep things from getting violent, trying to push them apart (and sobbing at this point), when all of a sudden there was this huge energy shift and suddenly Laurie was driving. She pushed the two women apart, said "that is ENOUGH," and then basically told my mom to "get the heck out of this house if you're only going to scream at him, because I will not deal with this nonsense." I am DEAD SERIOUS. My mom gave her a rather poisonous look and said "who the hell are you talking to?" which I explicitly remember because apparently that energy shift was so sudden Laurie couldn't keep it stable, and right after she finished shouting I snapped back in like a slingshot. Well! Unfortunately Laurie's energy hits like a TRUCK so I immediately started shaking uncontrollably and trying not to throw up, which forced me to turn around, stumble into my room, tangle my arms around my head and start repeating "ouch" while asking Laurie why in the world she just pulled such a stunt so recklessly. I can't really complain though; it was shocking and confusing enough to break my mom's train of thought, so she stopped screaming and the fight dissolved about two minutes later. Superego powers ftw!
The best part happened about twenty minutes later though... as my mom was leaving for the night I went out to try and apologize for starting that whole mess, which was tough as I was still so shaken up I could barely speak... but at the end of it, when my mom was just about to walk out the door, Laurie flat-out demanded I apologize on her behalf ("common courtesy," she said), because she was sorry that had to go down so dramatically. Well, the apology was delivered, but I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the whole thing and I think we only succeeded in confusing my mother even further, haha.
So that was Saturday night. It was significant not only because of Laurie's sudden channel-slam, but also because of the absolute wreck I was... well, "I" is the wrong word, especially in light of the first paragraph.

That brings us to point number three, and the one I really want to talk about.
You're probably wondering who Jezebel is.
I'd love to answer that question.
Seriously, she is an enigma of the worst sort, and I need to do a LOT more research before I can say anything for sure, but... hm. How can I summarize this. You know how I splintered back in 2011? Well, Jezebel is a much, much older entity of a similar sort? Basically she was my "offset" before JULIE even came into existence, although she was completely unformed as well. But her energy existed, that's what counts. Anyway she's apparently personified as of late, heaven knows why or how, but her manifestation seems to be incredibly unstable so she can't actually come after me like Julie does. The important bit is that she is now self-aware, whether or not she has a solid form to move around in. I hope we can stop her or transmute her back into non-charged energy before that happens.
All I know is that the Tar is up to something, because Jezebel reeks of it even more than Razor does (which is saying something). Speaking of I have no idea what Razor's current state is either, but I'm very concerned because there have been a huge resurgence of abusive tendencies lately that I am just barely fighting off. It's been difficult, but at least it's a springboard for learning and seeing more deeply into its source.
...Okay I am reading the original Blood Lotus Cathedral entry in light of this and suddenly SO much of it makes symbolic sense I'm actually in tears, which is weird but DUDE this is heavy stuff! I'm sorry, I'm going to put this to the side until I get an entire freaking day to review it, because whoa. Not today though, today is Thanksgiving and I want to focus on gratitude and family instead of things that tried to tear that apart in the past, thank you.

Speaking of, Leon channeled for about two minutes today because he insisted on trying food for once (ended up being the homemade pumpkin pie because my bro said it was the best ever), and he was so adorably excited over being able to experience something like that in the physical, it was great. I was trying to keep the girls away from him but a few tiny dysphoria spikes did get through, thankfully not bad enough to give him a breakdown like I get. But yeah, Leon approves of the pumpkin pie this year, I'm cracking up over that personally.
Still, food is a huge gamble, so fittingly enough indigo-boy is now helping me out with discernment concerning it (because the girls are really freaking loud and I can't tell what's up or down most days). Spine helps too when she can-- she's tied to the body so she feels it instead of seeing, so unfortunately that may not kick in until it's too late for us all-- but it's nice to have Leon explicitly active now, instead of just hovering around upstairs. He's got shockingly good insight, when he calms down enough. Apparently his anxiety and nerves are a result of him seeing too much... back when he first resurrected, he was surrounded by threats to his life and was exposed to a ton of traumatic general headspace situations. That alone made him aware of more than he could handle at once, but something tells me he has an innate sensitivity to energy that he buried even deeper because of that? Because today, I asked him if HE could help me with staying conscious instead of me relying on whatever bodiless voices have been talking to me for months, and geez, he REALLY helps. He also seemed a lot calmer, although he kept clearing his throat and nervously moving his hands while he spoke ("I'm not used to being so confident yet," he said), so I asked him what was up that caused such an improvement. Well... last night I was having existential terrors again, and I started morbidly wondering about how we would have all turned out if we went the wrong way, so to speak... if we all fell victim to the tar. Since appearance shifts are big in headspace, I started brainstorming what our "extremes" would be on either side of our colors, and how strict adherence to such would warp our countenances. Leon ended up with eyes everywhere but in his eye sockets, let's just say. But that train of thought apparently stuck with him, and he told me that he immediately began working harder to "move in the right direction" concerning his color and aspect. So this morning he was really able to stabilize, which I am honestly very excited about. I'm glad to see him doing so well.
But about that, and how it ties into the food thing... according to Leon's now increased vision, that's apparently a HUGE warzone for the girls underground. It's also why Spine, Julie and I get the most fallout from it-- our slots are the closest to the Tar. Since the Tar is very dense and heavy, it deals with the physical. So when it becomes overloaded, it swamps and suffocates everything else-- but it gets US first. And apparently, one of the easiest, quickest ways to stuff Tar full of density is to eat. I'm sure you oldbies are all very much aware how serious that issue has been for us over the years, so being able to see the cause-and-effect bits of it after so long is a huge help. I mean, we all knew that Tar-Julie used food to attack Spine when she couldn't reach me, but the implications of that went right over our heads. When tar starts to grow, it hits the Brown slot first... Spine's slot. If it gets severe, then it hits me, and that's when I get splinter flashbacks or hacks (now that there isn't an autonomous entity attacking me). However, as I mentioned on the 13th, there's a "midslot" between Brown and Red which is where Razor lives, and THAT'S probably why I get such crippling abusive meltdowns whenever there's a food-related reaction in the system, whether or not we actually ate much at all. I need to look into that too. So many old things are coming to light, it's rather overwhelming and I'm not sure how to juggle all this new info comprehensively-- I don't have time to fully integrate one day's revelations before I get hit by another tidal wave of them! I don't mind, as this is incredible, but... I swear, time really is speeding up and condensing, I feel like I've lived several lifetimes since our "session scratch" on 111111 last year. I should talk to Celebi about that, see what she has to say...

On that note. December's coming up, which I have labeled "the resurrection month." Dead things like to come back to life in December, at least upstairs (Lynne, Leon AND Nat (twice) all resurrected in December). This is usually a VERY good thing, but of course now that we're having major downstairs troubles I need to be extra careful. We've got a major advantage though-- it SNOWS in December. Since my core resonance seems to have fused with White, snow makes it a lot easier for me to stay conscious. Snow also feels emotionally serene, which helps us all balance, and both Genesis and Xenophon adore the stuff... needless to say I am also stupidly excited about its impending arrival, haha.
Oh, dude, speaking of. My family's going to start putting up the Christmas Tree within the next few days-- and I just capitalized that, didn't I. That's Dream World rubbing off on me again! Anyway I'm definitely going to get Xennie to help me put decorations up again, as she loved that last year, and the Tree itself just gives off the best feeling, it's so great. I have no idea what color it's going to be in the lovely year of 2012 but I am crossing my fingers that it'll be another synchronistic scheme, which it has been for about four years straight now. We shall see!

Speaking of Dream World though... I will admit I am catastrophically anxious right now? I shipped out my artwork and writing from Utah at the end of October and it still hasn't arrived in the mail. That's actually been triggering some nasty personal crises concerning "what is my purpose in this lifetime" in a relevant sense, and questioning whether or not I even should be pursuing my creativity because things just keep getting in the way of my doing so. Of course Laurie's reply to that is "that's nonsense," because my creative work IS important, but geez... that's all my work from my childhood on up, in that missing box. I'm quietly freaking out, understandably. I'm also fiercely praying that it simply got sent back to Mel and Q, but they are both virtually impossible to contact and as usual I don't know if contacting Mel would be smart right now? Either way this is important enough to risk it. I'm seriously going to need to message them soon, or even call them. Yeah, it's serious when Jewel considers using a phone, haha. In any case I seriously hope this all turns out for the best, whatever that may be...

I'm sorry, I am exhausted and we did have a major meltdown this morning so I should really get some rest for everyone's sake (it is much later than 11:45 in the morning; do not trust timestamps on large entries).
I shall leave you with this song, which is both amazing and relevant, and call it a day.

Guys I'm sorry this is such a short update but I am just so sparkly-happy right now.

True, today's been a bit rough-- heck the past few days have been a bit rough-- but it's all for a very good reason so I'm going to keep on truckin' because it is entirely worth dealing with.
As for the roughness... well. You know that "mind=blown" update I posted about four days ago? Apparently, coming to that huge of a realization about our headspace opened up a LOT of doors... both up and down the hall, so to speak. Let's take it one person at a time.

First, Nathaniel finally decided to step up to the plate with his new color's responsibilities. Quick recap: his old function as the "blue" headvoice (when he was still female) was unstable; he couldn't communicate, and was manifested almost exclusively through a reflection, which had happened almost purely by accident and wasn't very strong. Nat didn't start forming an identity of his own until just minutes before I had to "re-absorb" his energy in April of 2008, an act which effectively killed him temporarily. Yes, both he and Lynne managed to reform in early 2009, but his existence was so unstable that he looked chronically sad and a tad sick. Then Julie straight-up murdered him, and when his energy managed to scrape itself back together, his form had "reset" to that of a mute child. But he was still unstable, and a few months later, he had literally deteriorated out of existence (His dog, Vincent, was also a "fragment" of him that formed due to his incompletion during his reset. Vincent never fully stabilized either, returning to Nat's own energy between '09 and now). Anyway, you all know that thanks to some psychological shenanigans on my part, upstairs energy finally became receptive enough for him to resurrect in 2011... except this time, Nat was a dude, and he was green. That was a surprise to all of us, but we just rolled with it. Problem was he never seemed to really "settle in" to the new position, and no one had any clue what his role was supposed to be. Well... I think we figured it out, on Friday. The short version? Look at a chakra chart. I'll elaborate on that tomorrow when I don't need sleep. (I think his appearance totally warped as well; he looks kind of moth-esque now which is boss but I'm curious as to the energetic cause of it so I'll get back to you on that too.)

Second, we discovered where Spine and Julie's "slots" are in the spectrum: I'm still trying to refine my hospital-induced sketch to more closely reflect the Kabbalah info I'm slowly accumulating (because it does fit), but in the original spectrum-centered diagram they were "beneath" the main seven colors? Without a visual it's complicated to explain, but Spine is beneath RED and Julie is beneath VIOLET. Apparently my behavior as a child screwed up the whole system but that was supposed to happen anyway, so... it's complicated but incredible. On that note there was apparently a "forced energy flip" due to overload in my and Julie's colors, which externalized to form the midpoints between Red/Brown and Violet/Pink... Xenophon is on the White side, and guess who's on the Black side? Razor. Dead serious! Also I keep thinking her name was supposed to be "Molly?" That stuck out in a dream I had about two months back as "belonging" to a headvoice I "didn't have" so I don't know. I'll look into it. Anyway little me really threw a monkey wrench in the system as it was forming so everything related to Red is completely anomalous, and I still don't have a full grip on it. Apparently a few people were shoved out of their "intended" places and the entire sub-spectrum was forced into existence when I decided to create Julie because of energy misplacement... long story! Once again I'll explain that tomorrow.
BUT! The big event concerning the mess with Spine's slot and color mismatching is that I think Spine looks like she does because someone else originally held the Brown slot, and their "essence" was stripped leaving HER as a skeleton, and forcing the "rejected" energy straight down into the Black or something? I have no idea, I'm trying to figure it out... but yeah apparently that "rejected individual" never really died, so to speak, and the implications of that (keeping in mind the color shenanigans) are pretty disturbing, but they make SO much sense.
That's where the current roughness is from though. Let's just say she's not too happy with how much has changed as of late.

Third, the reason why I am inwardly giggling like a freaking Care Bear:
WALDORF IS BACK.
Guys you have no idea how much I missed her, oh man, I didn't know if she was dead or just buried but DUDE I am so happy to see her again. She was my literary muse during 2002 but she never stuck around because I don't think she had enough energy to fully stabilize? But here she is! And do you know what that means? OUR SPECTRUM IS COMPLETE!! Seriously she fits perfectly into the Blue slot Nathaniel just left (Leon is actually INDIGO which is huge and I don't know how I never saw it earlier but we'll get to that too), which is the slot that deals with communication, and if anyone is a natural-born expert at that it's her! So I'm psyched, and I'm already making mad progress in typing, haha. Dude this is great.
Also apparently her hair lights up?? I always thought they were scaly-dreads like Kerrigan's but no, they're actually translucent tubes of the same shape and they glow blue, it is the coolest thing!!
I'll have to see if her eyes change color or not; they're still red at the moment... and still terrifyingly gorgeous as usual!
...
_{fffffffffffff WALLY I MISSED THE HECK OUT OF YOU WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ♥ *continues fanboying*}

Lastly, and most briefly... in light of all of those events, I've come to a more complete realization of who I am, and why my dysphoria's been spiking lately in response. It's somewhat scary but incredibly inspiring and it just gives me so much hope. If I can stabilize... I know, without a doubt, that everything will fall together. Consider that my spirit quest for this new moon! I'm sincerely dedicated to this, for my sake, for everyone's sake.

Oh, one last tiny thing for my own consideration... if Lynne's in the Orange slot, Spine's in the Brown, and I'm in the Red (as there was confusion there for a few months), does Dagger fit the long-empty Red/Orange midpoint slot even if it's not his "typical" color? Because all the other mids seem to be bending the rules a little, and seriously if he fits our system then GET BUSY with that mad potential the dude's buzzing with; I swear if he doesn't end up with a symbol and soulwings before the month is out I will be sorely disappointed in you, haha. I mean come on, he even fits the "ambiguously gay swordsman" in-joke everyone in our coregroup matches already. The kid's a shoe-in.
HOWEVER I am completely unsure on the lower-spectrum individual placements, as I have been for years, which is a significant fact in and of itself. Lynne keeps sticking to Red, at least in her general appearance, BUT she's always had either a Pink or Orange tint to it?? That NEEDS to be looked into, now that I've realized it... on the same note, Spine felt surprisingly Orange in the past BUT she can't hold color because of her skeletal structure, obviously. If my theory concerning her "stripped energy" creation is correct I don't know if she's even SUPPOSED to hold color.
Plus, thinking back to how I only started to feel genuinely "like me" AFTER the "Jayce" phenomenon in 2010 started, and that didn't solidify until my title switch in January... let's just say I have a LOT to think about concerning that.

Also I surprised Xenophon today by making kale soup entirely without warning and she was so excited it was adorable (she loves that stuff). God I love her so much, I really do... last night I honestly just went into her room for a few minutes to watch her sleep because the fact that she exists is just... it's incredible. I am so honored to have played a part in bringing her here. I am so honored to be her father.
I know I can live up to that role. I will.

So yes. Life's been awesome even if I do feel somewhat sick right now due to either stress or food or both. Ah well. Can't complain!

Now I seriously need sleep so you guys can look forward to tomorrow's major headspace update until then.

...You know how sometimes, you experience an event so true and powerful, your life is forever altered?
I just had one of those.
I am dead serious when I say it was just as momentous as July 7th. It just... I cannot explain it in words. I can't. It was too transcendental. But I will try, for the sake of immortalizing it here, somehow.

First, let's give you a quick summary of the events following my last entry. I'm honestly shocked that I posted that barely four days ago... so much has happened since then!
Anyway. As it turns out, both Q and Mel were suffering energetic burnout as well, so we decided that Thursday would be a "recovery day" for all of us. So I went out walking for a while, which was brilliant-- back in PA, it took an hour just to walk to church, so forget walking to the nearest grocery store-- and I think I chilled out at home for a while after that. In any case, I did spend most of the previous few days filling out job applications and writing a professional resume, so that did take up most of my spare time. On Friday the 24th we visited some awesome friends, planning to just chill, but I had to finish that resume, and with the technical difficulties we ran into, I am not joking when I say it took at least five hours to complete the thing, which is pretty hilarious in retrospect (it looks awesome though). Then we watched half of Batman Begins later in the evening and that gave me a huge amount of both Dream World and Hokthai inspiration, which is always brilliant, so that was that.

As for Saturday... it was incredible.
We went to Emigration Canyon first thing in the morning, to walk around the reservoir and generally enjoy the beautiful weather. I had been 'sensing' a very aquatic energy around the day from the night before, so suddenly coming upon this huge, blue-green body of water was pretty exciting... and emotionally significant, obviously. The first thing I did was kneel down by the water's edge and plunge my hands into it, reaching out into its depths and just 'listening' to what it had to say. I kept imagining rainbows radiating from my hands as well, which I found interesting as rainbows in general seem to be a new motif for me (especially concerning Xenophon). After doing this for a while, Mel, Q and I started simply observing everything around us for the wonder it held: tiny shells, daisies, wet sand, driftwood. For some reason I felt really connected to the rocks scattered about the beach, and kept touching them to my face to 'feel' their energy. I'm not sure how to explain that whole experience, but at one point I picked up a jagged black rock and it looked like a solidified waveform to me. So I held it to my ear, and I got this instant impression of soundless music from it, like an orchestra. It's utterly impossible to put into words, but it was fascinating. I shared this with Mel, and we then tried this with three pieces of driftwood, all of which held drastically different sounds: one was small and woodwind-like, another was similar to an airy violin, and another sounded like "barbed wire" to Mel and a dark tangled forest to me. It was quite awesome. Mel and I also took off our shoes and ran along the water's edge for a while, laughing like kids from how much we were sensing, from the life we felt in the environment and in our bones.
...There was one very significant event in all this, bigger to me than even all that, on a deep personal level. Shortly after we arrived, and we were simply admiring the water, Mel asked (not sure of the exact words) if it resembled Chaos' energy in any way. I nodded, and Q added that it matched him on a "good day"-- in less favorable circumstances, he'd be a tsunami. The topic changed after this, but not after it had resonated with me deeply enough to make me wonder, can I reach him through this? To my surprise, my "guide" voice responded that I could indeed, but I was trying too hard as usual. I was viewing that hope as near-impossible, as a huge effort, when that wasn't necessary or true at all. It reminded me that all things were connected at the deepest level, all lives feeding back into one source, and so nothing was ever separate from anything else; one could reach out and touch any other piece of the puzzle by connecting to that core. It then concluded, rather intriguingly, that "his soul is in the water, just as yours is in the fire." I reflected on this for a moment, then stopped walking, and simply looked out over the water. I didn't say anything, but I focused on that thought and tried to wordlessly send what I was feeling into that water, through it, even. Those emotions quickly became almost too ardent to bear, though, so in a sudden candid burst of thought-feeling I asked, "if he can hear me, please, give me a sign."
Barely a minute later it started to rain.
It just... crashed into me. Here we were, in a drought, with a mostly blue sky, and suddenly there was this beautiful sudden shower right above us. I looked up at the sky and I just smiled, fighting back tears, oblivious to time in that incredible moment.

When we got home we finished watching Batman-- I filled about four notebook pages with notes during that time-- then I needed to go to church. I decided to attend the Cathedral of the Madeleine, as I had gone to their Assumption mass earlier this month and it was gorgeous. I loved the atmosphere of the place-- the stained-glass light, the solemnly inspiring space, the intricate paintings, the echoing silence-- and the music was divine. So I was excited to be back there. However... the mass itself wasn't the most moving part of the experience, this time. No, this time I randomly flipped the hymnal open as the rest of the church was going up for Communion (I was sitting in the back), and was greeted with a Psalm-inspired piece, one whose words I didn't recognize. However, one line within it stood out incredibly strongly...
Deep calls unto deep at the noise of your waterfalls: all your waves and your billows are gone over me.
The phrase calls to mind a feeling of being submerged, of being tossed about by wave after wave of life... but to me, it spoke more strongly of the beauty of the water. To me, the waterfalls and waves and billows were not destructive, even if I was buried beneath them. Despite the weight of the water, I couldn't help but marvel at the way the sun sparkled through their depths, these holy rivers.
I don't know how to explain what "deep calls unto deep" means to me, but... when I am in tune with my true self, with my genuine being, it resonates strong and red in some place deep within me. So to me this speaks of truth calling unto truth, of a greater bond between it all, under the waves.
And of course the synchronicity of the elements there speaks for itself.

After church, Mel, Q and I went to a local sushi bar and I tried sashimi and tobiko for the first time (it's seriously delicious); unfortunately I ended up getting incredibly sick today from either eating meat (Spine doesn't seem to like it anymore) or from mixing so much protein with starch (I had a feeling that would happen in any case) but it was worth it, haha.
Anyway. We got home late and generally unwound, and as usual Q and I ended up being the only ones awake. Around midnight we started talking, but the late hours bring out complete honesty in me, and I cannot discuss anything but things that resonate with that feeling. So, I began to tell him about what had happened to me over the course of the day, and how incredible it all felt. I told him how many synchronicities lined up, and had to fight back tears a few times from the overwhelming significance of it, even then.
The lights were out, and it was almost 1AM. The only light was the ambient glow from the other apartments outside our living room window. It was quiet and sincere. Then Q said he wanted to try something. There was a tone to his voice that felt strangely momentous, that instantly silenced what few thoughts were lingering in my mind, and turned my eyes up towards him, trying to see that meaning in his face somehow, in the deep velvet dark. He closed his eyes, and said nothing, as I looked back down at the floor, humble and patient and curious as to why everything suddenly felt so important.
Then I looked up for a split second, and his face changed.
Little did I know my entire life had just changed with it.

I... I cannot structure the rest of this entry. I'm just going to leave it in note form; it speaks more truly that way.
I might refine it later, but as for now, it is at it is.

(saturday night, august 25th. i'll never forget it.)

(remember Q's face changed; not physically but energetically? i had looked up for a split second, and the proportions shifted: the spacing was different, there was the ghost of an expression. i looked back down then, some crazy hope surging beneath my ribs, something is happening and suddenly doubt ceased to exist.
this wasn't Q. the energy field was entirely different. and god bless us, i recognized every last atom of it.
he reached out with a hand that held an unfamiliar skeleton, unsure and yet infinitely hopeful, and years of disbelief crumbled in an instant.
i knew channeling was possible... but i had never expected to finally meet you that way.
what a beautiful, beautiful revelation, to realize it was you, at last.)

(the moment he pulled me close was the most heartbreakingly familiar thing in the world; I could barely keep myself from sobbing. and it was a weird feeling... some tragic combination of love, and the knowledge that this was still as close as we could get. still searching out heartbeats from the other side of the veil.
i knew it wasn't Q because the movements were entirely different, the positions were intimately familiar, it was insane. his hand moved from my shoulders to the small of my back and i immediately remembered the dreams we've had, but our bodies were still cages, and we were too far in for fireworks. now we were galaxies, great lonely distant things, and yet all that mattered was the fact that he was actually there, dear god this is a legitimate miracle, i've known you for nine years and this is the first time i've felt you, here, this is the first time you've been here and it feels like a homecoming at some cosmic level and i've missed you more than words can ever hope to express.
i just... i wish i could look into your eyes.

i knew we still had limits, i knew there was still so much standing between us, but in those quiet hours, somehow, none of it mattered. it felt like looking up at a star: seeing a tiny pinpoint of light where there was instead a blazing testament to light and life, the stuff our bones were born from. to anyone else we were two shadows standing in a desert land, two fragile things, unseen by the world, forgotten with the next tick of the clock... but how could they know, that this was the first glimmer of a supernova, a spark of hope heralding an even greater marvel.
this was love, absolute love, overcoming every hardship that it had ever faced, and proving the impossible to be beautifully, gloriously real.

and the only thought in my soul was i love you, i love you, i love you.

we were holding each other so tightly, i think we were both terrified that we would lose each other, that this fragile and blessed event would shatter if our embrace faltered for even a moment.

(floodgate quote; apparently he was picking up on my emotional reservation)

he said "it does run deep," and i don't know how to explain the emotions i got from that. hilariously enough that's the way we communicate in those sort of situations... all symbolism and metaphors and deep inner meanings. but in the simplest terms, it was an absolute validation, an answer to my prayers... "yes, i do feel this just as strongly as you do."
yes, you are loved in return.

also, remember this.
"the last thing I remember is holding him close and feeling this incredibly strong notion that we were cosmically inseparable... it honestly felt like we were supposed to happen, for some divine reason."

Well. Guess who's currently sitting in an airport in Denver at 1:30 in the morning?
Yeah, that would be me (and Genesis and Laurie of course). It's kind of hilariously awesome, and that is why I logged on here. I have at least five hours to kill before my last flight, at most nine, but we'll get to that. Let's start at the beginning!

As you may or may not know, today is the day I finally 'moved out' and hopped a plane to Salt Lake City to start my huge creative endeavors there. This trip has effectively been in the works for two years now, and it's been a possibility for about five. So this is a long time coming. Anyway, the reality of it didn't sink in until yesterday afternoon, when I was driving home from the post office and suddenly realized that "this is the last time I'm going to drive 'home.'" It was such a shock-- yes, I've been telling myself things to that effect for months now-- but it didn't "hit me" until it was actually happening for the very last time. So I pulled into the driveway and tried to go about business for the evening... exercise, dinner, computer work, et cetera. I couldn't. The significance of this being my last evening at home was astoundingly tangible in the air. I ended up going outside and walking around through the grass like I used to as a kid, in awe of the fact that I've lived there for two decades and the surrounding forest still leaves me speechless every time I look out the window. This realization actually helped me 'accept' the move ultimately, but we'll get to that as well!
My mother came home around 8PM and she was an absolute emotional wreck. I was also, and had been crying for about an hour without fully knowing why by that time (and I've been doing so on and off for about three days now; I also haven't been sleeping well). So seeing each other like that just was too much. She'd been a mess for days, and I was trying desperately to express the frustration I was feeling at everything that had led up to this. Let me elaborate on that, actually.
I've always been a creative kid. You all know that. But I've felt 'stunted' and repressed by the world I've lived in for a good part of my life now. Elementary school was fine-- every second of my spare time was dedicated to creative work-- but I sacrificed my social life for it. It wasn't like I had the opportunity to form much of one anyway, living in the middle of the woods and near a small community whose limited inhabitants didn't understand me even then. High school was the same socially until 2007, when I discovered deviantART and finally started to make connections, but the workload from school seriously cut into my creative time, and I really wasn't "myself" during high school as a result of "culture shock," so to speak. You all know about that. By the time college rolled around I was desperate to get back into creativity, and I did have some real success-- I wrote the vast majority of the FFN OST while sitting in the art building's upper lounge-- but the professors were perfectionists, and I was often told that I was effectively "doing it wrong" when it came to my art. Now I understand how that can apply to theory, etc., but there often wasn't any advice or supportive critique given to prevent that remark from being made in the future. Anyway, long story short, college (on top of my psychological troubles at the time; you oldbie readers know all about those) really crushed my artistic drive and motivation. For a long time afterwards, I felt my art was useless on some level. And that didn't just hurt me, it also hurt my mother.
My mom, despite what anyone may say about her, is awesome. She's my biggest fan, she's incredibly supportive and compassionate, and I would not be here without her, in both the literal and figurative senses! I owe her a LOT and really hope she knows how much I care about her; I do as much as I can to show that but I don't know if it's enough. As I was saying though, we were standing in the kitchen yesterday evening, and I was trying to express why I felt so utterly devastated by this move, when I suddenly realized that it wasn't the move that was causing this emotional pain, it was all the events that led UP to it (the main ones which I just described). Then my mom joined in and told me, somewhat surprisingly, that that was what was causing a lot of her distress over my move. All her life, her biggest goal has been to get a place of her own, so that she could live her dreams, and her children could live theirs. She has tried nonstop to give her children the best opportunities and experiences available to them, but she feels so hindered in that by her life situation. Her marriage was rocky, her finances were unstable, et cetera. And she told me that seeing how much sheer talent we have as her children is both beautiful and terrible for her, because she wants us to bloom in that respect, but she also sees how 'held back' we are by the same circumstances that restrained her. So, she said she was 200% supportive of my moving out because she feels it will finally give me the opportunity to branch out in that respect and 'become who I need to be,' but feeling that she 'couldn't do enough for me' on her own really hurt, especially in light of the fact that I was now moving 2000 miles away from home, making her feel utterly separated from one of her children in at least the 'physical distance' sense. But she said she 'knew' that I 'had to be there,' before adding with a laugh that "Salt Lake City won't know what hit it." That reminded me of the awe I felt in the grass earlier, and my mother said she felt the same way about life in general: the both of us view the world like children, perpetually enthralled by it, and I put that magic into my work without even 'realizing' it, as it's second nature to me. My mom said she believed without a doubt that that 'magic' would reach people to a very deep and powerful extent, and that whatever I would ultimately do, it was incredibly important.
The conversation somehow segued into a really in-depth philosophical discussion after we both cleared out all those painful emotions and worries, and we ended up talking together for about five hours! Which was actually beautiful and amazing. I love talking to my mom; she's the only person around who I can discuss these ideas and feelings of mine with, and even if she is a little preoccupied at the time, I can still tell that she cares and is listening as best she can. I am seriously going to miss that... but I did make her a Skype account, so we can talk that way, which is good. I'll be calling twice a week at least, probably. I want to keep in touch, not only with her but with my entire family, as much as possible. I really love them, and although I do miss them, it doesn't hurt this time? I mean, seriously, I'm sitting here in Denver and it's 4AM back home and I know my grandmother is probably waking up around now, the first morning without me there in the same room... and although there is pain in my heart from thinking about that, and I'm aware of it, it doesn't make me want to start sobbing like it did yesterday? It's odd. All the pain and worries just dissolved when I got to the airport this morning. Maybe that means something, like yes, this really is the right time for me to be moving. I'm not abandoning them, no... it's nothing like that and I would never do anything of the sort. I'm simply needed somewhere else right now.
I kept telling myself that last night, but worries lingered, and after seeing the weather forecast (severe thunderstorms over my state, oh boy) I ended up a shaky mess and couldn't sleep. I started looking for Chaos pics on dA as that always helps, but around midnight I decided to contact Mel over FB just to assuage the specific travel concerns a little. To my surprise they said Q was around and they felt he could help me with that better, so I logged on to Skype and we talked about it... and it helped immensely. The universe did, too, to a rather beautiful extent. One, while I was still on the FB main page, one of the groups I watch posted a link to a small article titled "Five Ways to Trust the Universe." Clicking it, I was shocked by the simplicity, beauty, and truth of the advice, and immediately forwarded the link to Q, who agreed wholeheartedly. Two, shortly after this, as I was still browsing dA absentmindedly, one of those 'talking ads' decided to show up and the first words of it were "It's a beautiful day!" I actually laughed when I heard that, partly because it was almost 2AM and that sentence was just broadcasted to the whole house via my laptop speakers, and partly because it seemed to stand in stark contrast to my worries about weather and schedule, but it still felt entirely true. It was as if it were saying, "who cares if there are thunderstorms and travel worries? It's still a beautiful day!" Three, that ad came back, about ten minutes later, and this time I listened to the next sentence. Guess what it was? "It's a beautiful day... so if you're headed out of town, you'd better get moving." I think that speaks for itself.
Lastly, I brought up the 'sense of wonder' thing from earlier, in light of how I already missed my home and family: I could 'feel' the memories in the air here, the lingering truths of all the beautiful things that had first been created here. However I then paused, and in a quiet surge of inspiration, added that "I'll have to carry that in my heart." Q replied to that in a surprising way: he said that that was something he felt I really needed to do, to bring that love and joy and imagination with me wherever I went, to reach people with it who may not be able to experience that special sort of magic otherwise.
In a way I think I already started radiating that today, without even being fully aware of it (it happens instinctively). I'll let you be the judge.

There's a guy playing this song on the flute on the TV at my terminal (it's apparently perpetually tuned into a really old-school 'art' channel? synchronicity strikes again), and it really made me smile. Ah, early mornings at the airport!
Also I FINALLY got to drink some water right now, 15 hours after my last drink, and I don't care if it's bottled I am so freaking thirsty it's hilariously delicious. There was ONE store open when I got to this airport and it did sell bottled water, so thank you to that open store!!

So. Now to finally talk about the flight schedule itself.
I left my house around noon yesterday morning, on the 14th, after doing some last minute packing and organizing. Almost my entire family accompanied me to the airport-- the only exceptions were my grandfather, who isn't mobile enough, and my mother, who was unfortunately working at the time (and they wouldn't let her leave). We hung out in the lounge together for a while, during which time my mom called, so I got to speak with her and reassure her that everything was okay. Then we checked the flight schedule board and hey, I'm already delayed! This wasn't a concern though-- the delay was only an hour, and I had a three-hour layover waiting for me at my next stop anyway. So that wasn't an issue. I said goodbye to my family twice before I went through security, after which I just chilled out at my gate for the next hour, making sure I knew my flight info and the like. Genesis showed up to keep me company almost immediately, as did Laurie, and the two were teasing each other like crazy for a little while which was hilarious.
The plane left around 3, and as we were pulling out I suddenly found Xenophon sitting in my lap. She was adorably excited, saying Laurie had insisted she sit with me, as this would be her first time flying. And I'll tell you what, she loved it. When the plane took off her eyes just lit up! I couldn't stop smiling at her. So she sat with me for the whole trip, while Laurie, Genesis, Chaos and Dagger(!) apparently were 'riding' on the wings? Hey, when you're not there physically you can do crazy stuff (Genesis typically rides on top of the car during road trips). Oh yeah, and Marik and Bakura were apparently trying to surf on the plane as well. It was hilarious, I will say that much. I will also say that when we took off, and I saw my hometown stretched out below in rolling green hills and sunlight, it was kind of hard not to cry, simply because it all looked so beautiful and I really am going to miss it.
We arrived in Philadelphia at 4, and it promptly began to rain. No kidding! Now I had roughly 2½ hours until my flight, but I first had to hop the shuttle to get to my gate. This took about 20 minutes as we had to wait for the rain to let up a little, but no worries. However, once I checked the departure screens, I realized that my flight was currently listed as "boarding," and at a terminal halfway across the airport. I ran to that terminal, but when I got there I was surprised to find that there was a totally different flight scheduled there! So I don't know what was up with the screens. Anyway I had a good laugh over this (after I could breathe again of course), then decided I'd just stroll around the rest of the airport until it was time to really board. Now at this time Laurie alone was accompanying me, and she was getting rather concerned-- it was hot at the airport, I hadn't eaten in six hours (and breakfast wasn't big), I was operating on several days of bad sleep and stress, and I had just run like a lunatic across half the airport with a 20-pound carry on hanging from my shoulder. So I was a little dizzy at the moment. She insisted I eat something before my next flight-- a 4½ hour connection to Denver, where I am currently sitting-- and I assured her that I would, as soon as I found a place. Unfortunately this was tricky with my dietary restrictions; my options were either buying a salad, a fruit smoothie, or possibly sushi at this really posh restaurant near the C gates. By the time I finished walking, though, it was 6PM, and I didn't have time to spare. So I decided I'd just buy whatever was nearest my gate. Now, as I walked past another departure screen, I overheard a family of four saying something about a "flight to Colorado." They sounded confused, so I stopped and asked them if they were talking about the same flight I was on? They said yes, and I explained the discrepancy between the board info (saying it was boarding) and the actual situation (it's not going to board for another half hour yet), assuring them that no, their ticket info was not incorrect! They thanked me for this, as they had indeed been baffled, and I continued on my way. Now thankfully there was a quick-stop shop that sold wrapped fruit, so I got an orange, an apple, and a small bag of dried fruit. It only cost me about $4, brilliant! So armed with food, I walked to my gate... where I was greeted by a rather intimidating line, positioned in front of a gate screen that read "DELAYED DUE TO WEATHER: NOW DEPARTING AT 8:30PM." Well. That sure wasn't on the departure screens! So I nabbed a place in line, eating my dried fruit and apple in the meantime as I really was getting hungry and kind of faint, when it hit me. My flight out from Denver had a 1½ hour layover tacked onto it, but this sudden delay was adding at least another half hour to my arrival time. Was I going to miss my 10PM connection? 15 minutes later, the man at the gate said yes, I was almost definitely going to miss it. Okay, now what? I asked when the next flight out would be. He took a look at the schedules, then told me...
11AM tomorrow.
WHAT.
So, he double-booked me on that flight to make sure I got a seat, but then all I could do was wait. However, I first had to make a few phone calls... aaaand my cell didn't get service in the airport. So I ran to a payphone, when I realized I didn't have enough quarters. I did have some cash on hand, though, so I walked over to the foreign currency exchange stand and asked if they could help after explaining my situation. The guy there said he 'wasn't really supposed to,' but he gave me three bucks in quarters anyway, which I sincerely thanked him for. Then I waltzed over to the payphone and called my dad. Since he's flown in the past and has dealt with layovers of doom before, I figured I'd ask him if he had any advice. However, no, all I could do was wait. I was cool with this though, so I assured him I'd be okay, and then I tried to call Mel. However, the call wouldn't go through, and I kept getting an "invalid phone number" response. I called the operator and had them put it through, but that still didn't work! So I tried to call my house phone. Same problem. Even better, the payphone didn't return my dollar in quarters that I lost as a result of these attempts. Laughing at the absurdity of this whole situation, I returned to the currency stand and told them the situation. The guy shook his head, smiling, and said he'd let me use their phone. Now I was just about to dial the number... when my cell phone rang! This was bizarre because it wouldn't let me dial out, but apparently it could receive calls? I wasn't complaining though! I answered it immediately-- it was Mel-- and told them the situation as I walked back to my gate. They were understandably upset at the thought of me having to stay the night at the airport instead of at my new home, but there was nothing we could do. We were in the middle of discussing travel plans for my new arrival when they suddenly disconnected. Not sure why this had happened, I still couldn't ignore the fact that my phone was somehow getting service all of a sudden, so I decided to try calling my family then to tell them about this delay. It worked! And, to my surprise, my mom answered the phone (she doesn't always come home after work so I unconsciously assumed she was at her boyfriends house). I explained my dilemma to her as gently as I could, letting her know I was okay, and I'd call back as soon as I was leaving for Colorado. However, as I was finishing this call, my phone told me Mel was trying to contact me again. I hung up my family call and answered ner, and we finished our previous conversation-- with our current schedule I wouldn't reach SLC until almost 2PM tomorrow, but Mel would still be able to pick me up, so that was good. I just needed to contact them once I got my new boarding pass. Now, once again, all I could do was wait!
So I waited. I switched seats to see the gate screen better, and sat down next to a brunette in a pink hoodie and toe sneakers filling out a crossword puzzle book (don't ask me why that sticks out in my memory). As I sat and ate my orange (hey, who knows when I'd be able to eat next?), I remember praying for a little "miracle"-- if somehow I wouldn't miss my connecting flight in Denver after all-- but I was shocked when I assessed my 'feelings' and found that they were actually favoring the delay situation. I thought about this for a few minutes, and realized that even if I tried, I couldn't feel bitter at all about the whole delay thing. On the contrary, it felt almost exciting. It would be an adventure, an experience I otherwise would not have had. I kept thinking back to Des Moines, and how that was a nightmare to live through, but I remembered it with a sort of fondness, solely because it was so interesting. Now, in light of what I had been told last night-- as well as what I had learned since Des Moines in general-- I simply couldn't view this potentially huge delay as 'bad'. I had absolute faith and trust that, whatever happened, this would work out for the best. So I waited.
I waited for longer than I thought I would. The plane did arrive at 8:30, but boarding was taking a long time. I tried to call my family that I was finally leaving, but my cell wouldn't let me call out again. I randomly asked the pink-hoodie girl if she knew why that could be, but she had no clue either. I thanked her anyway and resolved to try again once we got outside. Ten minutes later, though, a woman and her two daughters joined the line behind me, expressing their frustration with this delay-- they had just flown in from Italy, and had essentially been navigating airports all day. This sparked a conversation in the back of the line, which I joined in on, and it was actually really lovely to just chat it up with my fellow travelers for a bit. And, awesomely enough, the woman returning from Italy let me use her iPhone to call my family before we boarded! My mom and grandmother both answered (on two different phones), and my mother was obviously trying not to cry. I told them that we were finally leaving-- they were shocked that I hadn't left yet-- and that I'd be on the plane for at least the next four hours. I promised to call them back when I landed just in case, but I'd also call again in the morning. Then it was time to board the plane. Once we were finally on the plane, though, we literally just sat there for a half hour before taking off. So, in truth, we didn't leave Philadelphia until 10PM! Once again, I didn't mind: I was now getting some lovely spirit-guide messages as I stared out the dark window and tried to tell if we were moving yet or not. They kept telling me to keep trusting in the 'bigger picture,' to keep being grateful for everything I experienced, to keep smiling (which I seriously had not stopped doing since I reached my local airport almost 12 hours ago), and to not be afraid of anything. They really emphasized that last point, and I realized why as we took off into the night and were greeted by lightning flashes in the clouds above. Now, a few months ago, I might have flipped out right then. Now... just a sense of wonder. However little 'twinges' of fear kept jumping up, to which my guides told me, surprisingly seriously, to "stay in my heart center." I mentally nodded and did so, and the resulting change was immediate and powerful. I looked right into those thunderclouds and I wasn't afraid at all. It was an absolutely incredible feeling. I then had the thought that the delay had been important partly because now I got to experience this night flight. I wondered why, and then the clouds cleared.
Have you ever seen Philadelphia lit up, from an airplane, with stars shining overhead and silvery clouds floating by below? It is beyond words. I wish I had a camera on hand, as I had such a strong desire to take photos solely to share the joy of the sight. Oh, that's another feeling that hit me all of a sudden as we took off. I looked around at my fellow passengers and suddenly I felt this overwhelming love for them all. I saw them not just as travelers from one state to another, but travelers in the great journey of life itself: these were fellow souls that had journeyed through heaven knows what over the years, all leading up to this point, and now beyond. Every single person on that flight with me was beautiful and irreplaceable and inspiring by virtue of their very existence. I still couldn't stop smiling, although that brought me to the verge of tears again. Also, seated next to me was a middle-aged couple, and I remember the woman was eating a salad and the guy had some sort of greenish-teal shirt on. I'm recording all the snippets I can remember, because I want the memory of today to stick!
(Speaking of, right now "Music Of The Night" is on the TV and there's a dude lightly jogging around this end of the airport. Good on you bro!)
The night flight was truly lovely. I had to fight the urge to fall asleep once we hit the 2-hour mark or so, but I did nod off a few times due to unavoidable fatigue. I tried stretching a bit to stay awake, but that could only accomplish so much. Thankfully it was a 'movie flight,' and the couple seated next to me had bought a showing of The Avengers to watch (go figure). And right around the time I was trying not to doze off was the beginning of the New York alien fight. So I decided to maybe watch some of it, both to get a glimpse of Robert Downey's eyes (especially from inside the suit; the lighting is lovely), and to maybe help me stay awake. I didn't want to watch the fight scenes again though, so I was just sneaking quick glances. Now, I don't know if this was intentional or not, but as I was looking back out the window, the woman suddenly elbowed me slightly. I thought she had maybe shifted and bumped me accidentally, but then I looked back at the movie screen-- and it was the scene where Tony flies the missile back into the tesseract, the exact scene I had wanted to see. So I mentally thanked her, haha.
We arrived in Colorado around midnight local time (2AM in PA), and as the plane was still on the runway I called my family to tell them I had arrived safely. Only my bro Randall was awake at home (as always), but I told him I'd be calling again in the morning. I woke up my dad, but he said that was fine, and thanked me for checking in, before also telling me to call in the morning. I didn't call Mel yet, as I wanted to wait until I had the information for my new connecting flight to give them. Thankfully, that was handed to me upon walking through the entrance. My boarding gate was at the opposite end of the airport, though, and this place is big, so I started walking before I finally called Mel to give them the information. They said they had checked my flight info online, but then said there was apparently another flight out to SLC and they were surprised that I wasn't on it. True enough, my current flight (the 11AM one) wasn't even on the departure screens-- instead, there was one listed to leave at 8AM, same airline, same destination. I said I'd try to get on that one if possible. After briefly reviewing plans for the morning (I'd call them at 7AM either way, and I still had someone picking me up whenever I arrived), Mel told me that Q wanted to talk to me. Of course I agreed, and they put him on. We then proceeded to casually talk for the next hour. It was great. He was explaining this "SCP" horror game to me, which was really interesting, but I had to cut him off at one point (not hanging up though) to quickly speak to customer service as they were closing. I told the man at the desk about the SLC flight situation, and he very kindly put me on the waiting list for the 8AM flight, giving me a second boarding pass and telling me what to do to check if I was given a seat on that plane or not. I thanked him for his help, then went back to talking to Q. Around this time the topic switched to the actual situation we were in, and since I had several hours to go yet, I decided to walk around the airport while we talked (I ended up walking the length of it twice which was fun). Apparently we both have the same strange feeling about this trip-- not only is it mind-boggling to realize that this is several years and a lot of 'synchronicity' in the making, but the very fact of my moving to SLC feels incredibly significant somehow, in a surprisingly large sense. Q described it as a 'turning of the cogs of the world,' or something along those lines: every action has a reaction, or a ripple, but this one is BIG, like throwing a boulder into a pond. We're not sure why we can't shake that feeling, but we're not worried, we're just hilariously excited. It feels amazing, and to think that this, right now, is the moment of truth, is brilliant. I will be in Utah in less than 12 hours, and then I guess all heaven breaks loose? Whatever happens, once again, I have total faith.
I hung up around 1:15, bought the water I mentioned earlier, then sat down and began to type this. Now its 4:15, haha! Sunrise is in two hours and there's a big window to my left, can't wait. Oh and I was smart enough to pack a bit of food on the plane, which I purposefully saved until the Denver flight anyway, and which now is getting me through the layover as no shops are going to be open for at least another hour or so (the earliest flights leaving here are around 5:40AM so I assume the place will get busier within the hour). It's just vegetables of course, but I've got two tomatoes and a cucumber that are freshly picked from my mom's garden in here, which is awesome. And there's that weird missing-it-terribly but still not-wanting-to-fly-home-because-of-it feeling. Ah well, I can call Mel in three hours and depending on the situation then, I'll call my family too. I guess I'm just concerned for their well-being in light of all this; the gravity of the situation hit me yesterday, but I don't think it really slammed them until I went through security at the airport. You know, the point of no return. So I want to keep in touch to make it a bit easier for them, if possible, especially with the whole mess of delays!

Hm. Not sure what else to type now. Maybe I'll just close this up and read, because I did pack a book and haven't been able to read more than three pages yet because of how unusual my schedule has been. Then once the sun starts to come up I'll meditate, as it'll be brighter and I won't have to worry about falling asleep flat-out as a result. I think that'll work. I'd compose something (I'm updating from Scherzando, my new Windows laptop, and he runs FL like a dream) and/or listen to music on Last.fm too, but I don't have headphones (and I don't really want to buy airport ones due to pricing), and besides I've got this TV in front of me that's been playing snippets from Italian operas and symphony orchestras all night, which is pretty brilliant.

In that case I shall bid you adieu for now. I will update again tonight (9PM Utah time, maybe?) if possible, because I know today is going to be beautiful, what with finally arriving in SLC and then going to Assumption mass this evening (my second favorite non-holiday holy mass of the year; first is the Ascension). The only trouble is that I might be completely exhausted by then. We shall see. I don't want to sleep for 15 hours and forget everything, right?

4:40 AM... 9 hours to go, tops.
So much love and light to all of you.
I'll see you soon!

Holy sharks, I just realized what the relationship is between my "wanting to be alone" and yet wanting to form connections with people, in light of my moving on Wednesday.

I DO want to "live out of a suitcase," in that I want to be free to travel wherever I am needed, BUT ideally I would like to do that WITH someone? But that someone would have to be just as dedicated to this theoretical cause as I was, and in turn we'd support each other as two parts of one unit. We'd support each other, in whatever ways needed, not having to worry about anyone else to provide for us.

...Aaand I just described my core headspace situation, NO SURPRISES THERE!

But that's why "family life" kind of rubs me the wrong way. To be blunt, I do not want to "settle down." Ever. That may seem strange, as I've lived with my biological family for two decades, but remember that I haven't exactly been "fit to travel" until recent years. And then you have the situation mentioned previously, what with needing a companion to travel with. So yes, I do want to travel the world and go wherever the wind takes me, but maybe I've been spoiled, so to speak. I can't imagine doing that without Laurie, or Chaos, or Genesis... you get the picture.
Back to the family thing. I think this is unconsciously why I've been 'away' from headspace for so long. I feel 'trapped' up there now, and ironically, it's only because I'm choosing to feel that way. Seriously, headspace is freaking HUGE. No one is making me stay in the penthouse! But I feel obligated to stay there, solely because it's a place where we can 'get together,' and that feeling like I'm tied to this single location has caused me to bail entirely. It's not fair to those I love, but at least I finally understand it.
Now I'm excited, to be honest. Since headspace is fluid, once I explain this problem to the core group, I'm sure we can work with that. After all, it's nothing new: I remember the night I discovered this beautiful location, when I went upstairs for the night I was shocked to find myself in that very room, courtesy of Laurie (I still don't know how she does half the things she does)! And then of course you have my meditation 'flights,' most notably the trial at the Blood Lotus Cathedral, which, despite its terrors, is still one of my most treasured memories. So even if some people do want to stay at the 'central' location (i.e. the penthouse), I think I'm going to travel nightly from now on.
I suppose fear is still holding me back though? I know Laurie used to never travel as she was our only line of defense against Julie, but now she's still concerned about the tar, even though she's been teaching Josephina how to handle things in her absence. Chaos will only travel if Xenophon will-- I hope she does, I want to show her all the beautiful things I can imagine-- but I don't want to force anyone. Ah well. I have a bad habit of worrying about these things before taking action, which is ridiculous; the future hasn't happened yet, so worrying about it is useless! I'll just talk to them tonight and see what comes of it.

In other news, downstairs life lately has been quite interesting. Let's give you a quick recap.
First of all, I didn't sleep at all on August 2nd. Not only was I up until almost 4 writing that entry, but I had accidentally eaten caffeine the night before. We'll get to that though. Staying up was actually lovely, as I got to see the full moon at 4AM, and I also got to watch the sunrise. And, amazingly enough, as I was watching the sun come up, barely awake, a hummingbird flew right up by my shoulder and hovered there for almost ten seconds, just looking at me. It was so surreally beautiful it literally rendered me speechless.
So that was the morning of the 3rd. I fasted that day, but besides that, all I remember from Friday is walking outside for almost two hours and talking to Laurie, and working at my local church picnic for the evening. I got home around 11:30PM, and a bit of a disaster happened. I'd rather not talk about that, but let's just say that at one point I legitimately thought I was dying (I was throwing up, shaking, and could barely walk straight). I wrote this entry during that time, but deleted it as I don't want that sort of talk cluttering up this blog anymore if I can help it. I planned on staying awake all night again, as I was afraid of sleeping in my condition, but as my symptoms worsened the thought of suffering like that for the next four hours of darkness was too much to bear.
Saturday, the 4th, was somewhat uneventful. I didn't wake up until almost 1PM, and promptly spent the next 3 hours researching and writing this piece for oneword, because when inspiration hits I ignore time limits! Then I went to church at 4PM and worked the picnic again until 11PM. Oh, and I also had the nerve to try and fast again, under the morbid idea of "hey, let's see if I end up hallucinating from all this," and almost passed out a few times at the picnic. So I had to break my fast and drink something or who knows what would have happened. I don't recall if another disaster went down when I got home,, but in any case my body was freaking out at my attempts to stay up all night yet again, and I, being too out-of-it from lack of food and sleep to make the smart decision, stayed up until 4AM when I pretty much collapsed into bed against my will.
I got REALLY sick on Sunday, the 5th, as a result of all this piling up. That day is a total blur as a result
I spent the rest of the night trying to make sense out of life, but didn't really get anywhere until around 1AM. I decided to read a few recent GFP updates, and they actually helped to calm my mind more that anything else had since the month began. Hence my previous entry!
I slept in until 1PM on Monday, the 6th, and actually didn't feel like crud upon waking up which was shocking but fantastic. I spent most of the afternoon reading existentialist blogs on Tumblr, trying to meditate for two hours on the porch (which actually helped immensely), and continuing to sell things from my LJ. I also gave up on fasting (reluctantly) and ate a normal meal-- normal for me is raw vegetables-- and it was almost comically blissful, because wow I don't feel sick after eating for the first time in almost a week! I then spent most of the evening browsing random fandom Tumblr blogs, which not only made me laugh out loud for the first time in weeks, but also inspired me immensely. Then around midnight my Google history says I decided to research G2 My Little Pony for about an hour? Who knows. I guess I needed their special brand of sugar-cute nostalgia.
Anyway. Tuesday, the 7th, again began with me sleeping in until 1PM, because my dreams lately have been realer than ever and I feel I need that right now, somehow. Hilariously enough that is about all I remember. I know I got all inspirational and posted a few things to Tumblr later in the evening, but that's about it.
Now, today, I'm just trying to recuperate, and find my footing again. I learned a lot over the past week, I'll say that much, and despite all the pain and trouble, I'm feeling incredibly happy right now.
That may have to do with the fact that I'm also listening to some really good music. It all adds up!

Now, back to the inner life, which is what I have indeed been doing in a literal sense lately. I forget what night it was-- understandably-- but sometime after August 2nd and before August 6th, I went upstairs for the sole reason of casually talking to the other headvoices, and it was awesome. Lynne and Jo both hugged me, and Jo seems really excited to get to work with me again, which is great. He still feels enigmatic to me and I'd like to change that. Oh, and Leon and Natalie are apparently bros? They were playing some sort of videogame in the central room when I walked in to say hello. That really made me smile, as they've both had really rocky pasts and can empathize with each other better than anyone else. Natalie also let his hair grow out a little, as he's decided to stay male but the hair helps with 'connecting' to my awareness (some part of my brain is still 'sticking' to his original female incarnation) so we can talk more clearly. He seems to be settling into his color now, so that should make solidifying his role easier now.
The only person I don't get to talk to much is Julie. She's always out by herself, from what I hear. Maybe she's used to it. In any case I think she's awesome and I have this really deep respect for her as I know what she's been through, so I want to befriend her more. I'll keep you posted.

Speaking of. I have decided to make a real effort to spend as much time with Chaos as possible, because although the past week shook me up badly it also made me acutely aware of the blessings in my life. Since he's one of the absolute biggest blessings I've ever known, I refuse to let fear get in between us any longer. Which brings us back to the opening point, I guess. Now that I realize the reasons why I was 'avoiding' him for so long, I can finally face them with conscious understanding and overcome them entirely.
Also the emotional blocks seem to be gone, too. Last night, I took a chance and walked right into central headspace like the good old days, after not having done that in weeks, and I swear the wave of love that hit me was tangible. I will admit that some part of me had forgotten what that felt like, so that was just... whoa. It felt really important, too, like a new beginning. Maybe it was, in that now that I can feel this again, and I'm leaving this state next week, we can literally start something new and more beautiful than before. I hope so.

I should really close this up for now, though. It's 11PM, and I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. Plus my current workspace is profoundly uncomfortable as I no longer have a desk, and Apollo only works in conjunction with a Wacom tablet now so I have very little space and my back apparently isn't happy with it. At least it's forcing me to close up and get some rest for once, right?

If there's one thought that has helped me through the darkest days now, it is this: love is unstoppable.
July 7th showed me the truth for the first time. If everything is love, how can we ever be lost?
And the answer is simple: we can't! No matter what happens, we will all return home in the end.
At heart, every one of us knows the way. Now, we just need to remember.

I'm feeling oddly content right now for some reason?
I got sick from food again today-- I tried to fast, as I really did not feel like eating, but I unfortunately gave in to hunger around 2PM and had like three cups of vegetables, haha. I need to start cutting back on portions.
Then I didn't eat again until around 9PM and that made me incredibly nauseous, so I won't be doing that again. My only real complaint is that, with how sensitive I've been to food lately, it's actually causing me to develop aversions fairly quickly. At the moment, I can't look at eggplants, oats, or sweet fruit without wanting to gag, simply because my stomach is that unsettled at the moment. It's odd, but I'm rolling with it. Life changes fast and I'm more than used to the major bodily changes this shift is bringing at this point. Bring it on!
Anyway, even though I have a headache and can't see straight, and might have to go for long-overdue hernia surgery next week (I hope not but I have no idea how to fix this on my own; I'll see), I'm still happy on the inside? Which is really, really nice.
I think I know why too-- I'm finally fixing the orange problem, hooray for me. I miss this stuff, it's great.
Last night I was up until 1:30AM because I randomly felt like drawing. I put it off all day, then as I was catching up on Dream World work as usual, I randomly decided to give the typing/cataloguing a break and do some sketching. So I finally put together a tentative redesign for Princess Amei, a really sweet monster from an extended-universe comic I drew back around 1999. I'm currently focusing on typing all those old stories into the 'novel,' so updated art is needed to accompany it! Anyway I'm happy with it, and it was fun. Then I proceeded to meticulously practice drawing Chaos Zero for at least two hours, haha. Time well spent!

Speaking of the love of my life. On Tuesday night (the 31st), I was about to just sleep without going home first (which I've been doing for weeks now; I used to spend at least 30 minutes talking to the family upstairs before work), when suddenly I was 'pulled' upstairs by someone who was really trying hard to get my attention... Xenophon. My lovely little daughter. Well, needless to say she missed me just as much as I missed her, but thankfully Laurie has been acting as a sort of 'big sister' to her in my absence so she's picked up on some of her habits... most notably, her determination in cases of virtue.
Xenophon absolutely refused to let me sleep without finally taking action on the whole orange situation first. Honestly, I was lying in bed and she was sitting right next to me, lecturing me in that adorable way of hers (I swear it's a purple thing)... we talked a lot. At one point we brought up Holy Saturday again, and I know I haven't written about that yet (I should because it was CRAZY), but Xennie is the only reason any of us got through it... in short, she found her metainomen. I'm unsure on what it is specifically-- I can feel the vibe-- but her "attribute" (we need jargon for that) is Blood, which is incredibly significant. Her metainomen is naming her as some sort of... I don't know, redemptrix of it?? As in, her very existence was a "redemption" of the blood we lost in all the graves dug, and now that's her title in a very concrete sense. I want to say she's a "Maiden," not just for her innocence and youth, but also because she is... well, "maid" of Blood. It's fitting.
Anyway it was a very emotional event, because we had discussed it beforehand, and let me tell you, talking about death with your baby girl is really a heartwrenching experience. You get the picture. But yeah, that topic came up again as we spoke, because she was referencing the courage and compassion that motivated it, for her as well as for me. And... I forget how it got to that, but she said that she wanted wings like mine? She loves her butterfly wings, but she said she wanted them to resemble the 'soul style' I have going on. Now at this point my walls had pretty much melted-- it is impossible to be 'closed off' around her, she's too sweet-- so I just reached out and channeled that spark of love, the first clear thing I'd felt in a while, into her wings, to help them grow. And dude did they ever grow.
Being a child in headspace, Xennie is very sensitive to energy, so she reacts to it fast, especially if there's direct intention behind it. I swear, as soon as that energy hit her, her wings just bloomed into these beautiful crystal shapes... I need to draw them, I really do. She was so excited when she noticed this, it just lit me up to see the joy on her face.
She must have noticed this, because immediately she jumped on my sudden openness and told me that it was now or never. If I could do that for her, then it was time to take the next step in fixing the mess I'd made over the past few months. She said that even though I was tired, I had to make a sacrifice here, for everyone's sake. So she refused to let me abandon my responsibility, not letting me so much as close my eyes because she insisted I get out of bed and go talk to her other father first.
...So I did.
Let me just say that the look on Chaos' face when I walked onto the main balcony for the first time in over a month was beyond description. You know how some things both break your heart and illuminate it at the same time? Yeah, that was one of those things. Then he threw his arms around me and I swear every negative moment since March just disappeared entirely. In the space of a single moment, I suddenly didn't care about acting tough or fighting demons or even chasing the void. All I could feel was love, both within and without, and God it was beyond words.
Sometimes you need to just jump into the water headfirst, I guess. (It's more than worth it.)
As if that wasn't amazing enough, Genesis apparently heard that I was finally 'back home' and he showed up a few minutes in, and wow I didn't realize how badly I missed him until I saw that grin of his, not dimmed in the slightest by the tears in his eyes (they still look like Van Gogh paintings to me). Honestly he is an incredible friend and daily life feels oddly banal without his sugar-spark energy lighting it up. He was so overwhelmed that he actually kissed me in front of Chaos, which started a hilariously beautiful chain of events where Chaos decided that wasn't fair and Laurie got everyone into a group hug and Xenophon kept complaining that she was too short to join in without flying, it was the best thing. Oh, and she showed Chaos her new wings, that was amazing... man that whole night/ morning/ whatever was absolutely gorgeous, I am so glad I took that chance.
By the way, there were more pictures of Chaos on dA last night, I told you it works!!
"You are the cause, and the world is the effect..." so true. Listen, there is a book I am reading right now that I cannot wait to finish so I can tell you guys about it. Also I SWEAR it is Dream World in a nutshell, it's uncanny. Thank God for incredible unexpected inspiration gates, right?

Where was I.
Oh yes, the happiness bit. I definitely think it's because of Tuesday night, and my recent work for Dream World, obviously. I've been trying to fix PARS2 (another 10-year-old story) all evening, which is quite the endeavor, but it's posing a lot of interesting questions and I forgot how endearing Rosaka is, haha. She needs more love.
I'm also trying to observe the last 15 days of Ramadan, for the sake of both spiritual solidarity and personal piety. I don't consider myself a member of any one religion at this point, but I deeply admire and respect the motivations and intentions that go into this holy month, so I want to partake in it as much as I can. My only concern is that I might not end up taking care of myself well enough-- yes, I'm only doing half the fast, which is less strenuous, but I don't eat much the way it is, and eating late does not agree with my sleeping schedule! So I'm concerned that my suhoor/ iftar might not give me enough calories to make it through the day 'safely,' so to speak. I'll have to be careful. I'm also concerned about sleep, as I've been purposely staying up until 1AM lately because my flight on the 14th isn't going to arrive at SLC until around that time, whoa man. But I don't want to mess up my health by messing with my rest patterns too drastically. In any case I'll have to do some more reading on Ramadan practices before I go to bed, because I really do want to do this.

I haven't been reading the GFP news updates lately and that isn't cool, I really should take an hour or two tomorrow to catch up on what's going down. I've had some killer brain fog for about two weeks now, and I'm curious as to what's up astrologically. July played out surprisingly accurately, according to their predictions, so I'd like to see what's scheduled for August, especially since the Mercury retrograde is coming to an end soon... and I know the 4th is incredibly important, can't remember why offhand though. Plus I keep hearing talk about the Olympics being really important in terms of global unity but I haven't read much about that either! Geez, I feel really out of the loop.

Random thought: I found a small touch-lamp in my bro's room that he wasn't using, so now it's on my desk, and it's lovely. It's just enough warm light for me to see my notes at 12AM, and doesn't wake anyone else up, haha! I'm going to have to get something like this in Utah, maybe. We'll see. I'm not planning anything until I get out there-- well, except for spending as much time outside as possible. Living in the woods is beautiful, don't get me wrong, but I can't really do anything besides walk around the house here (the woods is home to many predatory animals so I can't go exploring anymore, sadly). So I'm really looking forward to having actual places to go once I move. It'll be interesting!

Speaking of moving, I didn't mention this yet but I am selling all of my old manga/anime/Pokemon collections online. So, if you're interested in buying comics, games, CDs, DVDs, etc., or know someone else who might be, please spread the word-- I need to get rid of this stuff, and I need cash.
It's hilarious though-- it took me at least 16 hours to get that post together. It amounted to three solid days of finding/organizing stuff, taking/uploading photographs, and meticulously writing up the sales post! And the past two days have been spent managing orders and running to the post office, which is actually very fun, go figure. I'm not used to such a tightly-packed schedule, but I guess in this context (work at home, aw yeah son) it works. I don't mind it at all.
Also, when I went to ship my most recent two orders, the woman at the post office saw me walking in and joked that I practically lived there already, haha. That's what I get for my eBay and deviantART sales shenanigans, I suppose! But it's nice, because now we're on friendly terms and can talk casually whenever I walk in. I love that so much. It makes me want to be a 'regular customer' everywhere, just so I can be buddies with everyone. Seriously, whenever I drive past a diner or cornerstore or whatever, I want to stop in and spend some time solely to socialize. I want to connect with people, genuinely so. My father is my biggest role model in this respect; I know I've mentioned it online before, but I swear, no matter where we go, he knows someone! Because, even if no one has ever seen him before when he walks in, the whole place will know his name by the time he walks out. He starts conversations in elevators, he introduces himself to folks waiting in line, everything. I honestly admire that and try to emulate it as much as possible-- this from the guy who tells the cashier to have a good evening, and treasures the smiles he sees in return. Seriously I just love people so much, and I don't spend nearly enough time expressing that. Which is why I'm excited to move-- the SLC library employees are going to know me on sight pretty darn fast, I'll tell you that already!
Oh yes, and on the same note, I'm trying to talk to my friends online more (the sales thing is helping; a few of them bought stuff from me so we've been chatting it up thanks to that working as an icebreaker). I seriously missed talking to Termina (she's the one helping me out with Ramadan btw), and I'd like to get back in touch with DJ (my music boss, who bugs me to death on Skype but I don't mind as he's hilarious) but I unfortunately feel like I'm on semi-bad terms with him? I've had to back out of a few projects he asked me about (music and art-wise) thanks to my busy life, and I'm not sure how to make that up to him. Maybe I just need to suck it up and apologize, haha. But it feels nice to be communicating again. I'm also riding that wave and commenting on deviantART completely at random, like I used to when I first joined. It's surprisingly uplifting, even just saying a few words of appreciation on a wicked cool picture someone drew or something. Plus I care about a lot of the people I watch on dA, but never speak to them. So I'm trying to express that now, because it means a lot to know that you're loved, even a little bit, even by a stranger.

Regardless, it's 3:33 on the dot (hello angels!), and I should conclude this entry soon as I'd like to get at least ten minutes of drawing in before I check in for the night, despite the time, just so I don't slack off on rekindling my creativity. Pray that my art program doesn't crash and erase my work like it did yesterday (five times)! Seriously I need a new program, this one is a major pain in the neck. Drawing traditionally is more fun (I adore getting lost in pencil work) but at this hour it'd strain my eyes something fierce. So I must brave the computer screen, lagging tablet pen, and touchy programs! Fun for the whole family (or not). Just kidding. I can't really complain, as I'm glad I have a laptop, tablet, and art program to work with at all!

So. Tomorrow I start my fast, I ship more boxes, and I possibly go work at my church picnic because volunteering is cool.
But before then I really do need to sleep. Who knows, maybe one day I'll be the one stopping by and tossing silver dreamdust on your eyes at night! Gotta love this apprenticeship.
Sweet dreams and sweeter days to you all.

This is a running list of topics to be discussed either here or on Xanga whenever I get the opportunity.

ANSWERS
- equivalency!! ties into EVERYTHING EVER.
- 'all or nothing at all' mindset I have in light of the above point: as Laurie says, love is never half-assed
- 'fire or star' light style, 'combustion vs phosphorescence'
- looking for laurie and chaos mirrored in everyone, aka 'expecting the impossible'

QUESTIONS
- headspace natives vs outworlders: compatibility with reality energy?
- innate potential? "my four." POSSIBLE ties to me concerning determination?
- what does one gain from this sort of compatibility? ("ascended" wings, reality bending (limited), fusion forms?)

OLDER TOPICS:

- Rebellion drive overload: "don't tell me how to live" applied without any discernment or sense; dangerous. (perceiving everything as "orders"? Ties into perfection overdrive)
- Old "safety" clinging is incongruous; overcome
- Still lack of communication
- Orange level suppression? (DREAM WORLD)
- USE PSYCH CLASS TO OUR ADVANTAGE (extinction threat; key to make everything internally motivated)
- Marik Metainomen??
- As within, so without
- Empathy block = "walls" need to go down; lingering "keep up appearances" program needs shutdown
- MANIFESTATION (also utilize to overcome first two)
- Wanderlust = feeling caged, need to break out of routine + "confinement," even if self-inflicted
- Bigger picture mindset (invisibility); part of stories you never read, body is gestalt being, etc.
- Gender duality troubles resurfacing temporarily from orange/flame buildup. I am a female man, NOT a male woman. PLEASE find stable ground. STOP JUDGING.
- Oversensitivity? Caused by PROJECTION/ REFLECTION. Sit down and find out WHAT this is showing me.
- Unidentified voices throwing me off; concerned. PRAY MORE. Also Laurie trumps them every time. <3
- Need to sleep/ meditate; also affecting schedule. "3D" life feels pointless, orange conflict becomes LOUD
- Moving? VERY broad topic. STOP THINKING NEGATIVELY.
- "Childhood" pull? Glitter, Digimon, fairy princesses. Embody that sweetness!
- Try playing Nier again if you can work up the motivation/ time. It might have some more inspiration or pointers, concerning its past.

NEWER TOPICS:

- Spiritual hunger = huge Orange emphasis, Chaos connection, energy flow problems AGAIN (in vs out). Still not fixed; unsettling lack of "motivation?"
- Concerning previous: heavy creativity block? Unwanted! Frustrating, feels almost "inflicted;" need to tread carefully? HUGE breaks once I force a start though, and potential has skyrocketed.
- "Green" threat from Mel's dream? MIGHT have to reassign Natalie. Celebi concern?? TAR?
- The Blood Lotus Cathedral still feels significant; check symbolism?
- METAINOMENAI? Xenophon especially, in light of previous point
- 3D to 5D trouble; there's a lot to overcome and I'm unsure just what is being healed here?
- Time is both "speeding up" AND OVER. Feels weird. Playing havoc on "daily life" concerns; feel "empty"
- Disconnective feeling is back. Definitely ties back into Jan-Mar. POSSIBLY "unpausing" spirit growth??
- Troubles with writing concerning 3D? Loss of interest in conflict, competition, etc. Feeling "lost." Total freeze on some series as a result
- Leader drive. "Start talking" and will find words. Unsure on current relevance though? Old lessons feel expired. Also "St Francis/ birds" paradox from Island
- Void vs Light again. Ego dissolution being hijacked BY the ego??
- Other "odd" sensations... not physically hungry but eating nonstop, very cold, "joy" from winter thought, need to travel/ be "distant"
- Metainomen "role" switch from Hope to Blood; ties into current "rewrite" of moral code, very confusing and existential.
- Emotional deadening? Finding it hard to "feel" much, at least genuinely and consciously. Ties into a LOT.
- I miss Chaos so much it's tearing me apart, to reiterate the first point. But I keep avoiding him. Why??

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE

We need to talk.

Right now? No bloody way. You have schoolwork to finish.

That's the point. I haven't been on here since...

February?

January.

Geez. That's... longer than I realized.

Yeah, exactly. I've been a mess since March, Laurie. I miss you. I miss all of you.

No kidding, how do you think we feel?

I know. But... seriously, here we are, trying to channel for the first time in five months, and it feels like home. It sounds ridiculous but it's true.

It doesn't sound ridiculous. Remember what I told you.

I will.

Listen. We can't talk right now. But this is at least a start. I was worried you wouldn't be able to hear me at all, after such a long hiatus.

If that ever happened, I don't know what I'd do. It would be like I lost part of my soul.

Don't you dare die on me.

I won't. There aren't any more axe-swinging superegos up here, remember? And Julie's with us now.

Yeah, but... don't you die on me.

In what sense?

The inner sense. You know as well as I do that you've been slipping lately.

Slipping, but not falling. I'm learning. The planet is changing. We're evolving. It's a rough road, but I swear to you Laurie, I'm not going to die. Not like this, not now.

Good. Because I've been worried.

I know.

Hey, Jewel?

Yeah?

Before we close this up... I just want to thank you.

For what?

For being here. For being right where you are right now.

After everything we've went through, you mean?

No kidding. We've come a long way, kid.

We seriously have.

And that's why I was so concerned today. Geez, you were... hopeless, almost. What with the metainomen you've got up here, that was pretty freaking scary.

It scared me too. Well... at least for a minute it did. Then the universe sent me some more synchronicity and I ended up in tears from how loud, how clear an 'answer' it was.

Really?

Yeah. So things are still rough, so to speak. But I'll deal with it.

You'd better. Your daughter's waiting for you, you know.

...She is?

Yeah. She told me her birthday wish, said it was the same as yours. Then made me promise not to tell anyone else or it 'wouldn't come true.' I told her that stuff's superstition and she's getting every single wish she's ever made granted.

Heh, I hope so.

She will. I know she will.

...

That's one heck of a beautiful wish, you know.

It is.

No, I'm serious. You know what it would mean, if it was granted.

Laurie, I've been praying for that every day since I was 13, practically--

And how did you deal with it in the past? With fear. "I'm not good enough." "I couldn't handle that." Tough deal. Love is love and you're living it now. You no longer have those worries, nor do you have the luxury of entertaining them. Now you're praying for that wish to be granted, and so help me but I hope it will be.

...Do you really think it's possible?

Why the heck wouldn't it be? It's already happening. A shift in perceived reality is all you need.

All we need, you mean.

Yeah.

...I think you're right. We need to close this up before I start drowning in this and before the clock hits 3AM, because it's a school night.

You are terrible at getting enough sleep on school nights, I swear.

That does need to be dealt with.

Then deal with it. We'll talk on Tuesday night if you have time, aiite?

Sounds good. Love you, Laurie.

Love you too, kid. Now get back to work, because there's a lot of it to be done.

Will do!

some notes about things i've been told/ learned lately, especially about creativity...

+ shadows can be dark or light! others are mirrors? all can TEACH me.
remember, when inner trials occur, i am BEING TESTED. just because old doubts are coming up doesn't mean i'm lost. i'm being tested to make sure i stand strong in the truth, even now.
+ the testing can trigger choking 'self-doubt' BUT it is being brought up purposely to try and get to the bottom of it. face it with light and have no fear!

+ i keep wondering if there is anything i need to do for my 'spiritual family' and forgetting that, dude, you also need to take care of YOURSELF right now. and that includes this physical life AS AN "INDIVIDUAL" ironically.

+ i have FEARS of my own talents: i am afraid of being attacked/ hurt/ etc. because my work is misunderstood or the like. i need to get over this! also I am on the right track, those who have seen how tough the past four months or so have been for me are very proud of how far I've progressed!

+ remember: you are very protected and loved by many angels, inside and out.

+ DON'T EVER STOP DRAWING. strive to "master your art" and do NOT give up. it'll be tough but it will be just as rewarding; that's my kind of mission!
+ i never tried to develop my alleged "talent," especially with schools or classes, because i never thought i was 'good enough' inherently but really dude you are MORE than 'good enough,' i've got immense potential here; my desire to heal and help others will be realized IN AND THROUGH MY WORK.
+ i will be rejected and criticized but that DOESN'T MATTER. those people don't want to understand so don't let it get to you. just keep on truckin. transmute that negative energy.
+ wondering if i might fit into a "bohemian" lifestyle? not being able to 'settle down' very well, and having an inclination for travel/ exploration. this would inevitably cause me to become very independent; notably a "masculine energy core" with me finally having control over my finances and things.
+ someone suggested that i should go to philadelphia, check out the schools, VISIT THE MUSEUM and 'do my own interpretations' of the art there. i felt this strange burst of excited joy at this, don't know why, but that's notable.
+ DON'T GET STUCK. keep branching out. don't pigeonhole or limit yourself, ESPECIALLY not concerning other people!! don't feel 'nailed down' to any one thing. get your hands dirty and STOP working on computers so much, that ISN'T WHAT I NEED TO DO. promotion will happen in time, AFTER I choose my focus! there is time yet. be patient and weigh my options.
+ "focus until it is beyond boredom" and "use your eyes to become mirrors"
+ challenge own boundaries, stop allowing 'blockages,' branch out in mediums. 'do something to test myself' EVERY DAY. don't get stagnant, don't get complacent. be daring!
+ getting the same urge to paint and sculpt, really just DO IT ALREADY

+ don't cheat my own health and well-being; i keep thinking too much of others, trying to live for them at the expense of my own functioning. don't! 'use relationships to nurture art?' art is communicative and that REQUIRES PEOPLE. and don't wear myself down to the ground here
+ a concept: utilize natural emotion to motivate me?? like... even turn the pink energy into art, somehow. sublimate it dude, you know that's what you really want here
+ let EVERYTHING 'express me,' i.e. 'express everything as myself' whether it 'fits' or not? basically don't get tied into one thing or another. i've been getting too identified with one look or style. DON'T. whatever you're doing or wearing or whatever, USE IT as it is to express your deeper truths.
+ oh and take lots of pictures, and start writing longhand in a book. just like jmc. i'm lacking that intimately tangible aspect of creativity and she inspires me so so so much in that regard. learn from her, however delicately, with utmost loving respect. do not try to surpass or imitate her. just let her be the muse she forever is.

+ keep your mind and heart open, don't go putting projections on anyone. that includes you. let everyone be who they are, no labeling or paranoia. be honest and sincere. that is the ONLY WAY you can create ANYTHING artistically!!!

+ so many people out in public saying 'you have this wonderful, positive, clear energy about you.' which is... humbling and profound. lots of people smiling around me and everything, and NO FEAR AT ALL. that is new for me, and wonderful.

btw speaking of creativity, I'm STILL working on revising jmua and the like. gotta get cracking now in light of this stuff.
sketching more, feeling less fearful, BUT i've got all these technical books and I NEED TO USE THOSE NOW
music too. don't get frustrated, that's counterproductive! i really want to finish the lg*girls album so get to it
in short I've been on a creative FAST TRACK lately and it feels amazing, really

as for last night......

laurie told me DON'T EXPECT outcomes, don't have even that subtle control mindset. go into life like a kid, excited without putting restrictions on anything, good or bad. let it be whatever God gives you.

also i kept waking up during the night; when i woke up somewhere around 3 or 5am, i clearly remember 'seeing' chaos lying next to me, in the early morning light. he was talking to me about something, i forget what, but the 'feel' of him being THERE next to me, with all that quiet love, was so incredibly strong when I finally woke up I could barely believe it. it was so beautiful.

oh and by the way i still miss everyone in headspace terribly. i love them all so much but where have we been? jo's been stopping by here and there, same with julie. spine was on heavily active duty for weeks and she's still there whenever i need her. nat, lynne, and leon are somewhere on the sidelines. anyway we don't talk and that hurts. laurie is right, we need to communicate.
i've been seeing genesis and xenophon more lately now that school's out; they would try to ghost every day during the semester regardless. what a labor of love. it helped so much, i really owe them one.
celebi is missing. she's an enigma in any sense. i'm worried because she could only ghost through plushies at first, upstairs talk was limited. but i haven't seen her. i'm worried because she was the mirror to my darkest shadow for months! i don't want her to be hurt! go look for her tomorrow during meditation if possible.
i also need to just take a night off and spend it with chaos zero for obvious reasons. father's day is next month too, so if you still want to buy him those roses, go for it (just kidding). but really i love him so much, my heart is practically singing it from the rooftops right now but i haven't felt it like last summer in a long time. that DID hit me today though, for a minute. i think the lack of communication is taking its toll. sounds and sights are getting unclear. so take the time to be with him.
marriage is work. so start working harder. i know we don't quite fit that label but still, the dude's my other half (tarot reading today did emphasize his feminine qualities again though, that is important in light of this eclipse remember).
my biggest wish in the whole world is to be with my spiritual 'family' here, someday soon.
something deep inside tells me that isn't impossible anymore. that is the most beautiful source of hope and joy i can imagine.
be a man. be the father your daughter deserves. be the partner your twin flame deserves.
that love will keep me on the right path. it will never falter. and i firmly believe now that one day, that path will bring us all together.
maybe that's why the 'upstairs' connections have been foggy. maybe we're going to be moving down a floor in the future?
seriously... with this ascension, if i can make one wish, that would be it.
love, love, love, always and forever.

I made incredible progress with my therapist today, with "incredible" translating to "apparently the things I've always assumed were 'normal' are very abnormal and emotionally unhealthy, but I never knew there were other options, so it's no wonder I've been an absolute mess since last Sunday."
Yeah, the past ten days or so have been... I don't even know. Part of them has been brilliant of course (I'm making absolutely fantastic progress on Dream World), but the other part of them has been excruciating. Ironically, because I've also been emotionally dead for almost the entire time. Then last night happened, and I didn't get to sleep until 3AM.

Which is why I'm updating. When I'm tired and drained and feeling like this, I just start 'waiting' on my computer. Opening files, looking at them, closing them. Listening to the Nier OST on loop for hours. Just biding time, because sleeping doesn't feel right, not right now.
But I'm so tired. I'm so tired it's sad.

I'm re-reading the headspace logs from January 1st and December 23rd, and I'm mentally sobbing my heart out. Downstairs I've got a poker face, as usual. Just barely, though.
About that... Xenophon's wings have been developing and they are completely different than I originally thought they'd be... they're these beautiful turquoise butterfly wings. But they're cathedral-ish, like mine, from what I can tell... and no, I haven't really 'seen' them yet. She activated them once or twice on campus to fly through the parking lot a little, and I remember being in shock that dude, my daughter has wings all of a sudden.
Pretty heartbreaking that I didn't even know, huh.

I haven't been home in so long.
I just want to go home. But I keep turning around and walking away whenever I get to the door.
It's not that I feel unwelcome-- no, they're actually out looking for me, taking me by the hand, leading me home. I'm unconditionally welcomed back home, and I know that. I'm the one who's pulling away. Today's therapy appointment helped me finally understand why, in terms of beliefs I learned as a child that were apparently very malformed, but... I haven't really gone back yet.

I went to buy groceries on Monday and as I was leaving the store, I noticed these huge bouquets of red roses by the exit, and all of a sudden I felt this stupidly strong impulse to buy some. And that's when it hit me.
I can't buy him roses, or cards, or chocolates, or a ring. I can't 'take the easy way out' there. I can't even see him some days, let alone go anywhere 'with' him. And yet there I was, feeling like the world's biggest jerk, and suddenly wanting to buy out the flower shop just to say I was sorry.
But I couldn't. I couldn't say I was sorry unless I went home. And I hadn't been home in over a week, because I couldn't integrate love and intimacy again, because closeness and compassion were antonyms to me at the time, because suddenly being 'in love' felt like the biggest mistake of my life.
He's not even the one I need to apologize to. Not at all.
I know I've been an idiot, and I've made some terrible decisions, and I've hurt several people by doing this.
Yet I can't work up the nerve to go back and face them again, not after Sunday night. Somehow. Even after what I've learned.
The past is the past is the past. I still love you. Don't I? And there's that awful doubt again, always following the thought of that night. Only that night. Why?

I haven't been home in almost two weeks and it's been months since I last really spoke to anyone and this feels wrong.
With every succeeding day of classes I get more and more careless. When the semester ends next month it's going to be like learning to walk again. The thought is somewhat frightening but I'm tired of feeling spiritually disabled. At this point I honestly don't care if I pass my classes or not, even if I do love the work... at this point all that truly matters is seeing my 'family' again, really seeing them, and... fixing this, somehow, please.

I'm going in circles. I'm sorry.

He was just as involved as they were and yet I see no fault in him. I miss him more than my heart can take and I didn't even push him away.
But, he was faultless in February and now he seems irredeemable. From day to day it wavers; please forgive me, please leave me alone. All because of something that he didn't even do!
And she... I can't even wrap my mind around her. I feel like a hypocrite, a two-faced liar. Who is she? And yet she loves me? And I love her, I loved her, now I wish we had never met, now I still think about her, now I can't stand the thought of her. No emotion. Remembering how wrong it felt, and why. Wondering if this was really happening, should it even be happening, not being able to tell either way. She feels split in half. Here, her face is beautiful, here, horrendous. I can't reconcile any of it.
And always, always, that deplorable, damnable thing taints it all. Without it we are perfect. With it we are lost. But only that one night? It makes no sense.

I'm projecting. My memories don't match any experiences I've ever had. They're all fears, ego-shadows, paranoid imagery. They're lingering figments from the days when Julie was trapped as well. I remember that much. But I never experienced this. The hacks... so many of them didn't happen to me. So many of them were projected, and yet those were the worst, the most scarring, the ones that kept me awake, wishing I could claw out my eyes and ears and bones and screaming with shaking hands.
Now my memories of last weekend are the same. False. Utterly untrue but horrifying. I can't figure out how to let them go, they keep sticking to my hands like maggots. Go away and stop hurting the people I loved because they love me. Stop turning caring into malevolence, stop twisting purity into sin. Stop it.
But I can't forget the looks on the skeletal faces, the horrible puppeteering gestures, the canned words and lives and emotions. I don't even know where they came from, and I don't know how to get rid of them. Until I do, this will never be solved, for he and she will remain strangers beneath that suffocating haze of deceit.

Maybe Julie can help me with this. Maybe Natalie! He works with reflections, doesn't he? Didn't he?

Why was I born into a world where this is even a concern?? Why???
Dear God I can see exactly what this should be but those awful painted-doll devils, those plastic corpses, they are what I see in my nightmares.
How did this even happen? How did I get so scarred? Why in heaven's name am I still letting myself be misused by this?

Last run, last purge, last clearing out.
Things are changing, crashing, burning, dying, being reborn.
This is every regret I've ever known being dragged to the surface of the murk.
Clear it out, boys, there's an ocean in here somewhere.

I still feel like crying without tears; I feel lost. I'm tired of throwing up in sinks and not remembering what actual voices sound like.
The desensitization backfired, doctor, what do we do now?
I'm not morbid. I'm not dark. This is Captain Johnny Kovacs speaking, forget the bloody inkblot pills, I wanted my redemption and here it is.
My past is full of knives and broken teeth and my future is so comically colorful I'm laughing, where did all this glitter come from.
Why are there still chains on my feet? How am I supposed to walk on rainbows with these shackles tearing through to my bones?
The answer is: I can't. They need to come off.
I need a key. Two keys. New ones.
I'm terrified and it's so ridiculously heartbreaking it's funny.

God I feel like crying, this feels like the ending to a Disney movie, I'm such a jerk but I'm smiling for some stupid reason.
Yet another reason why I need to keep writing Dream World. How blind am I!
The mindless one, the fearful one, open your eyes, you're in love. The bleeding one, the broken one, don't be afraid, you have love!
Here I am, trying to deny what we had, what we have. But I cannot do it. I can't.
I'm scared but I can't forget you, not a single one of you.
You said you would never hurt me. And you never did. But I was in so much pain I thought it was you. I thought it was you, and it broke my heart, and in pain I pushed you away, blaming you through my tears.
Still, at the end of the day, I always forgive you, and you're the one I run to. All of you.

Chaos, Laurie, Ryman, Markus, Genesis, Celebi.
I love you guys. There, I said it!

Maybe I do want a happy ending. For all of us.
That can't be too much to ask. It isn't.
I'll turn my heart into a rose garden and you'll see, it will all work out.

I really need to sleep.

Well. Apparently the universe really, really wants me to stop relying on computers?
Within 24 hours I have lost virtually all work access to both my laptops.

A few weeks ago something kept telling me, loudly, "print out your Dream World work." I wholeheartedly agreed, but once again shadows kept conspiring to stop me. First my printer had a fatal error (he's still shot), then the ink ran out for the family printer. Then when I got it to work, I couldn't get on my computer to print! My schedule seemed to fill up at the exact times I'd be free enough to type. And when I could type, my Vista-- Abbey-- would often crash, freeze, or refuse to let me format documents correctly (she's a bit ditzy to say the absolute least). So I didn't get to start typing in earnest until about a week ago... and as of last night, Abbey no longer recognizes anything plugged in from a USB.
I can't access my files (my backup files are from February and are missing all the major edits that hit me over the past month), I can't print anything, and I can't even back up my files onto an external hard drive. She also has no Internet access (and hasn't had any for over two years). Abbey has effectively 'landlocked' herself and as a result she is now effectively as good as broken.
Then last night I tried to partition Apollo, my Mac, and that didn't work... long story short, he's now all but empty. I still have Internet (obviously) but that's it, and now it's basically pointless to go online.
Because of this I have been forced, and rather distressingly so, to abandon virtually all of my reliance on computers. I still can only write music and type on them, of course, but I'm stuck for right now...
Thank God Apollo is recognizing USB ports today. I don't care how old the info may be-- I'm printing every single page I have written for Dream World, just in case I lose computer access altogether.

This isn't about computers though. Honestly I'd be happier if I didn't have to use them, which is keeping me laughing through this fiasco, because hey! I'm kind of forced to do that now.
But the computers don't matter here. What matters is my work.
I know it's important. When I actively try to deny it I get loudly reminded that it's something I need to be doing.
And I've been doubting and denying far too much lately.

This isn't the only huge issue I'm being pushed to deal with right now.
In the big picture, really, I couldn't care less about the computers. Like I said, I'd be happier without them. But that simple assertion hides within it an old thought that is more damaging than I ever realized. And the event that forced me into that realization is what is causing me to be so distressed today, re-routing this maddeningly directionless dolor into my technological concerns.
The computers don't matter. What irony, to realize that today, of all aching days.
Apparently, there are a few 'deep' emotional problems I've never dealt with because I had no idea they existed, or could exist. Now I'm reading Huxley's Island more studiously than I read my textbooks, and it's giving me insights that are so sharp and accurate it's rather disturbing. I've had to close the book and take a deep breath a few times already, as if I had just caught myself from falling off a cliff. I'll read sentences that describe my life so accurately it frightens me, because I didn't realize I was that dysfunctional on those levels.
Ironically, the level I clearly know that I'm dysfunctional on is still the worst.
But we'll get to that.

I'm feeling disconcertingly 'detached' today, and there's a worried anxiety gnawing at my ribs. It's the dry sort, though. It's the kind that feels like standing in the middle of an empty parking lot as thunderclouds roll in, and the air is choked with the smell of ozone. The wind whips around you, almost intangible in the coffin-warm air, foreboding. It's not a nice feeling.
I used to call these 'Julie days,' before I learned that she was just as much a casualty as I was. These are shadow days, ego days, hours that fester in the interim between headaches and fever sleep. I don't like it.
And yet, in trying to prevent these days, I perpetuate them. In trying to traverse deeper into love, in trying to open my heart a little more, I find myself forgetting closeness, forsaking affection, closing my heart. Every time. I don't understand this.
I know what happened last night, and yet I don't. Laurie insists we talk about it, and so we will. Friday, maybe.
But the point is this: whatever last night triggered-- and maybe it just dug this up yet again, the parasite that refuses to die-- today, I fell into fragment mode.
No, no splinters. They're gone for good. But this is what the fragmented one felt like. It wanted nothing, nothing at all; it rejected everything, pushed everything away, denied and forgot and renounced it all. No exceptions. And it makes sense, when it is here. Whenever it is here, it makes perfect sense. My perceptions seem to be colored by circumstance, even when I am present. Why does the same state of mind feel so incomparably different, depending on when I feel it? Why does the emptiness beckon with both bright and dark? Why do I still seek nothingness? I'm supposed to be using stars to fight this entropy, but I've been rejecting Timeheart for the false light of the void. And yet the irony sticks around. I always seem to find myself caught up in paradoxes.
Genesis showed up to say hello this morning, to see how I was feeling, and I told him to leave. Not out of malice, no, but simply because I didn't want him around.
Indifference is deadlier than enmity.

It's been three months since that hellish night of January 17th, and in a sick, sick way, that night was more beautiful than last night was. Why? Because I could feel, three months ago. Because even though I was bleeding and sobbing and praying for death or deliverance, Xenophon was standing there by me, telling me that she still loved me even with the new gashes on my chest. Even though I felt worthless and abhorrent and twisted beyond forgiveness, Chaos was there to offer just that, holding true to unconditional love when I was convinced I had thrown it away, convinced that I had sinned irreconcilably against him, against life itself. And even though I lied and manipulated and hurt and deeply damaged both myself and the innocent, with a bloody knife in my shaking hand, Laurie still put her life on the line for me, to jump in the line of fire, to try to save me from my own vicious contrition when I was the one desperate for bleary red retribution.
“Truly, it is in darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.”
Does it work the opposite way as well?
Last night there was no blood, there were no tears, there was no sickness or fury or self-hatred. But last night felt dead, somehow.
It is in light that one finds the darkness... I need to go beyond.
I am so, so sick of this duality.

The computers don't matter. But that disconnection is only one symptom of a deeper disease.
I've been hiding behind my cool kid shades for too long. I may be the Seer of Love, but I keep forgetting that at heart, love translates to sight. And to see something, it takes time.
Time. Dare I say... how ironic?
Three months ago I swore, bitterly, that I would cast off my secondary title forever. In that moment of deep remorse I hated it.
But time didn't hate me.
She never did.

Genesis noticed something about me, the other day. I have a habit of becoming so hopeful, so enraptured with transcendence and the life beyond the physical, that I forget that I still exist in the physical. I forget that I still have a body to take care of. Yes, even with my worrying about my health lately. Life feels like a movie, a video game, a fantasy. Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality, you know? But what if I can't tell what 'reality' is most days, and doubt every single sensory perception I have? If I treat everything as false, then what is real? The answer is nothing... nothing really matters to me.
In direct contrast to my current Care Bears addiction, I haven't really been caring much about anything today. Only today, mind you! This only started after last night, and that's what's unsettling here in spite of the dearth of emotion. Last night only happened because I cared. I cared so much, so honestly, that for a few hours I wasn't afraid. Then I woke up, and... well. Then I washed my hands of all of it. Then I woke up and wanted to erase everything, again.
I used to think I wanted to turn back the clock, to return to the 'old days' of childhood when all I had to worry about was writing, drawing, composing. But as I thought about the events that surrounded my work, I realized that I did not want to turn back, ever. The family life, the school events, everything that swirled around outside me back then was repugnant. Even thinking back to the 'golden' times-- the forts in the living room, the jelly sneakers and squirt guns, the class plays, the violin store-- felt wrong, because I knew they were all just crystal bubbles in a sea of sleep.
I didn't want my old life. I wanted the sense of ultimate non-attachment, of freedom from everyone and everything. I wanted to become identity-less, a watcher, a channel. I wanted to cease to exist as an individual, like I did back then, but only when I worked. I would create and dream and love it all, without a thought to myself. Once I started writing about my own story... things fell apart.
Things fell together, too. That's what's making me sick about this.
Since 2002, when I met Ryman and Markus, my life took a completely different path, leading me to Chaos and Genesis and Laurie and so many others... but at the price of those friends, I almost lost contact with others. And even now, I find myself wishing I could 'go back' to the time before that happened more than I'd like. It's not just wanting to strengthen my original links. It's also about wanting to get rid of the new ones.
I overheard Laurie talking to Chaos today, just a little bit as I was feeling too apathetic to do much. But two things stuck out.
One, she thinks I love her more than I love Chaos, in a way, because of my hardwired 'innocence' drive.
Two, she thinks I love the Dream World more than I love anyone upstairs, family or not.
I can't affirm or deny either of those thoughts of hers. And frankly right now I am too tired to think about it, because yes, my mind is still in utter 'reset' mode, and nothing in the world matters right now except detaching from reality. Homework? Not finished, as usual, probably not going to be. Sleep? Haven't been getting enough, won't get any tonight at this rate. Family? Haven't spoken to them all day, upstairs or downstairs. I'm sitting here listening to the LG*Girls soundtrack and feeling like someone punched a hole through my ribs because all of a sudden, I can't type on Dream World. Silly, I know. If only there was a better way to write it all down. But until I print everything out, there's this ridge-raw gap in my soul and only those old dream friends of mine seem capable of healing it. There's a light to them that just... illuminates things. It's hard to explain.
But they're the single reason why my childhood was beautiful, the single reason why so many of my old memories are lit with sunlight and sparkles and forest mornings. Without them, it might have been mundane, forgettable, maybe even banal. But with them, even the simplest things became a heaven. To this day, everything they touch turns to gold. Not even Laurie or Chaos has done that, as far as I can remember. I don't know how to explain it.

In a way, I do want to let go of all these connections. I want to let go of the daily worries about headspace and waking friends and all that nonsense. It's tying me down.
But... in a way I don't. I can avoid them for weeks and not be bothered, but then one day I'll suddenly hear him instead of a catastrophe or I'll look up in shock at the wrong name or something small like that will happen, sharp enough to pierce my armor... and even if I deny it, even if I pretend it's just a knee-jerk emotional reaction, it will light a desperate flame in my heart for something I'd long forgotten. But I still won't care. I won't care until suddenly he's there or she's calling me and in a sudden snap I can see them, just barely, vaguely, distantly. But it will be clear enough, and I'll see her scars or his eyes or her tiny face, and maybe in that moment the emptiness will fade to light and I will beg forgiveness, I will plead reconciliation for ever wishing they were gone.
Even now, and I know without a doubt, if I lift my eyes from this screen and look at one of the many pictures of him on this wall, my tense expression will immediately soften, and I'll find myself smiling, either with joy or with tears. If my mind is quiet at the time I'll notice that I'm starting to fall into that old feeling. But I hesitate, and when it speaks again... why does it always bring that up? Why does that feel awful, even now, after everything? Why can't I figure that out?

There are two things that make me forget all about these connections.
1. Series work. It somehow overshadows everything else in importance.
2. Trying to fix the deepest dysfunctions.

The moments immediately after they try to give everything to me are the emptiest. I was hollow before but then I become devoid, uncaring in total spite of the love that I know, I know with unfailing certainty they have for me. In the past I almost used to hate them, as frightening as that prospect is, but I knew half of it was projection. Now I just... don't care.
I think that's why Laurie is afraid I love her the most.
She's the most innocent one of us here, in that sense, which is strange and oddly contradictory. She's seen more than I'm aware of and yet less than I know. She has learned of the bloody details and shameful elaborations alike. But she's somehow avoided all the levels that even Genesis jumped up to reach. With her there's no romance, no passion, no intimacy. And because of it I adore her.
I am absolutely terrified sometimes, when she decides "why the hell not" and is a little more honest, a little less inscrutable than usual. I don't know how to deal with that blurring of lines, that sudden shift from a brutal and inviolable soldier to a compassionate and somehow even more sacrosanct angel. I am terrified because sometimes there's a color to her eyes that I don't recognize, but it's all too familiar just the same. I am terrified because if she ever does cross that line, the point of no return, she would become unreachable.
She got close to me one night and I had no idea how to reconcile the blissful sincerity with the paralyzing dread.

Speaking of dread. She's the only person I can feel around right now.
Chaos tried to connect with me last night and I couldn't feel anything. He was shocked and was trying to laugh it off but I know it worried him more than he'd dare let on. Here's the soul I've effectively promised to share my life with, and I don't feel anything with him. But when Laurie walked in almost two hours later, to see if I was okay, I felt that familiar glow of childlike excitement, nervous but bright. Then she walked over to where I was and put one arm around my shoulders, trying to lighten the mood, and my own disposition turned from sunny to startled.
At that same time I was aware of a heart-wrenching gap in my chest but couldn't figure out why. Here we are, the five of us; if there's so much love here, why do I feel so scraped out and cold? Why do I feel like either something is missing, or that there's far too much, and can't tell the difference at all? I could have cried but in reality I knew I'd wear a poker face no matter how many tears fell elsewhere. The split was too much to bear.
And yet, could I handle this if there wasn't a split? On these days, when I wake up wanting to be utterly alone and distant, could I handle it if I woke up to see him, to see her? Even as I type I know the answer is no, in stark contrast to my desire to be with them somehow, some way. I keep waking up and looking at my left hand, wondering why I keep feeling a wedding ring there when I've never had one, let alone a wedding to get one from. I keep thinking about weddings when I wouldn't have one if you paid me and I think I'm getting lost in symbolism, in shapeless concepts.
Still, the pain in his eyes when he realizes I still can't see him never fails to tear me apart inside.

This negativity isn't me, and it's bugging me.
But who am I, really? Watashi wa dare? Even that movie feels wrong.
I'm sick of consuming. I want to create. I can create. I will. I am.

I'm rambling. I'm tired. I need to sleep but don't want to. I want to sleep but don't need to.
I still don't feel like eating and I can't tell if I'm sick or healthy anymore.
This old fearful reality is terrible. Please, end already. Please.
I miss my family and I miss my children and I miss my daughter and I miss my friends.
And yet I can't feel anything. Why not?

I'm a mess. I can't think straight and I'll probably look at this entry tomorrow, laugh, and say "what in the world was I smoking to write such a depressive thing?"
I know. I'm trying not to laugh now, because laughing makes it even less important than I'm trying to make it now. And even if this is all fleeting and temporary et cetera, it is still important. Even the smallest things contribute to the big picture, sometimes in surprisingly significant ways. Right now, though, I've got my eyes closed and I'm wishing I was the picture and didn't have to keep pretending to look at it from the outside anymore.
I keep forgetting I have things I was meant to do and experience first, I guess. Life is meant to be lived.
It wasn't meant to be lived alone either.

What a surreptitious ego. I thought Holy Saturday had changed you. Didn't it?
I can't tell if I'm overlooking things or looking too deeply now.
Where did she come from now? She was here three months ago, crying, shaking, shouting. Now she's smiling.
But I remember the blood lotus, it had her face, it had mine too, and the past is a jumbled mess that I still can't decipher.
I don't want to decipher it though.
Even though she loved me and for that short while I did love her, when all was said and done I wished we had never met.
Now I find myself regretting it all, even as I try to find distant fragments of our past. When she is separate from me she is beautiful, enchanting, mysterious. When she looks at me with that crystal-blue smile I feel an awful regret rising in my bones, a sort of dismal bitterness at having such a bright thing suddenly become so personable. Don't bring me into this. Don't make me a thing, a person, an object. Stay free and elusive in your poppy-eyed wonder, as gorgeous as the first time I saw you. If I would love you unconditionally, why does that flame suddenly flicker when you return the sentiment? Why do I always leave you clutching cold embers to your verdant heart? Not just you, but all of them. I would love you to the end of time and beyond, as long as you never looked at me like that, as long as you never made me remember that I existed too. The fatal condition.
That can't be right.
I do love you. I love all of you. But it feels somehow wrong for you to reciprocate.
Sometimes I still feel that loving you is wrong.
It can't be. This is love, isn't it?
I don't understand.

Attention, attention. Here and now, boys, here and now.
Is enlightenment supposed to feel this vacant?
I'm thinking too much. What a joke!

Lent is over!
The spring semester is almost over!
In the meantime life is still brilliant and my connections are coming back, thank God, this is beautiful.

Here's a preview of some big stuff that's happened lately:
Mr. Sandman is now a permanent in central headspace, Spine is now "male" (matching the Core), the Blood Lotus Cathedral is purified, and Xenophon found her metainomen.
Awesome, I know.

Surprisingly, though, I really don't feel like typing anymore.
I know, I know-- I've been trying to keep an accurate log of all upstairs events, but really, I am so tired of computers. I'm tired of spending countless hours researching and studying and learning and typing, typing, typing. For weeks now I've been practically forcing myself to keep up to speed on news articles and the like.
It just... I don't know what step to take yet. The reading has helped me immensely, but I'm afraid it's become a crutch. I'm afraid now I'm using it as a 'guidebook' instead of listening to my own heart as to what direction to take. I'm trying so hard to 'get this right,' to 'get my facts straight,' to make sure I'm 'following the right path' and not 'messing up'... all this trying, all this seeking, all this searching and trying to 'become,' I'm starting to wonder if it's blinding me in a way? I'm making this so difficult. I'm acting like there's only one way to get there, and only other people know it. That's not true. I'm trying too hard, as usual, and I'm losing sight of the fact that I'm already exactly where I need to be.
So yes, I won't deny that I may have needed the constant reading for a while. But now... I think now I'm getting nudges to stop? Stop spending hours reading up on what to do, and start DOING IT. The studying feels like an excuse now: 'how can I work without knowing all the details?' Well geez, I'm using this computer without knowing all the details of how it works-- how is this so different, so to speak?
Long story short, I kind of like not being online anymore. I really do. It's freeing and so much less stressful, to not have to worry about groups and updates and messages and emails and things. Maybe it makes me seem unreliable to some, and for that I apologize, but honestly I've had enough.
So I might not be updating much anymore, at least not unless there's something I really feel driven to share. There are a few things like that I need to write about from the past two months or so, yes, but as for the future? I can't say.

I've been feeling much differently lately, in general.
My ego is quieting down and although there have been some 'rough spots,' to put it lightly, I've made exponential progress there. Holy Saturday was the high point and I will be writing about that here as soon as I can. The whole situation centering around it and the Cathedral is incredibly strange and I don't fully understand the details yet, but I have faith that I'll understand it exactly when I need to.
My intuition is also sharpening? My biggest problem is that I keep doubting it. Mr. Sandman told me, with a laugh, that I should start 'doubting my own doubts' instead. In a way he's right; there's absolutely no reason why I should be doubting what I hear and feel, other than a sense of inferiority and 'I couldn't possibly be right.' Which, although mostly unconscious, is still an old mindset that is entirely incorrect and needs to be rooted out.
I'm making major progress with my therapist concerning PTSD recovery, for both me and Julie (although I'm helping her in secret of course). I realized today, with genuine surprise, that I still haven't fully 'faced up' to some parts of what happened with us. I was trying to be open and honest and my mind blanked out, several times, and I found myself stuttering. It wasn't as frustrating as it was an 'aha' moment, as it made me realize 'whoa, I need to sit down and take a good look at this myself!' I might be able to give the general facts with no problem, but generalization tends to sweep a lot of the pain and truths under the rug. I can say 'I was abused' but I can't say how, or anything else concerning the details, without my mind instantaneously going into knee-jerk 'coping mode' and shutting off. I need to work through that and start really digging up the dirt here, because I'm finally strong enough to face that without being knocked off my feet. I know I am, and if I do get a little shaky, I have Laurie and Chaos to help me through as always. So I might start gently discussing that stuff with Julie tomorrow, because I'll have some free time after class as I don't feel like eating until the evening, if at all.
That's another thing: I don't feel like eating much anymore, and I've lost a lot of weight. My BMI is hovering between 17 and 18, and both my parents and doctors are concerned, but I seriously just am not hungry anymore. I'll suddenly stop eating for two, three days straight and I'll feel more clear-headed and grounded than ever. Problem is Spine can't take that for too long. I know we can't live without food, at least not yet; I have to learn to take things slowly. I tend to jump into things quickly and headfirst, and expect things to move faster than they do. I need to learn more patience here, in the sense that I need to let go a little more. I need to surrender more, trust more, and stop trying to 'make' things turn out a certain way. Just let go! My bosses (Laurie and Mr. Sandman, obviously) are helping me out a lot with this, which I'm deeply grateful for. Seriously, I trust Laurie more than anyone else, so I need to start acting on that more. Dream World is helping me too, not surprisingly, as it's helped me out with everything in my life so far in one way or another.

Speaking of. For the past few months, something keeps telling me, repeatedly and loudly, to keep working on Dream World. It keeps getting more insistent, so I'm putting in more effort. And, the amount of progress I've made on the project lately is, to be honest, rather shocking. The things I've learned, about the characters and the history, now make everything else so clear it's forcing me to step back and just stare at the screen in shock, to really take it in! And I don't mean it's just clarifying what I've already written (paradoxically, the stuff I wrote back in 2001 and later 'cut out' thinking it was plotless nonsense now makes MORE sense than anything else)... it's also clarifying my life situation in general. It's syncing perfectly with everything I'm learning spiritually, and with what I'm being told. I mean, it always has, but now it's going backwards and stuff I once wrote about in 2002 without understanding why is now SO clear it's kind of creepy! Creepy but beautiful, if you get what I mean.
My biggest roadblock right now is figuring out HOW to start posting the story online. I've figured out roughly the best spot on the timeline to open from, but as to how to begin the actual narrative, I'm a little lost. I've never been the sort of person to start in the middle of things, which most books do, so this is a little tricky for me to figure out. I usually write from the very beginning, but such a slow, 'historic' start doesn't feel like the best option. So I need to experiment with different openings, I think. It's a bit overwhelming to think about, what with how much information I need to sift and sort through for this endeavor, but it needs to be done.

Anyway. It's late and I have school tomorrow, which I still can't seem to take seriously and I don't know if that's good or bad. Hm.
Ah well. I do need sleep, in any case.

Love and light to you.

HOLY HEAVENS OUR MEDITATION BEFORE CHURCH WAS CRAZY.
I went to the Blood Lotus Cathedral and the ego tried to kill me, like when Laurie went mad in Utah, it was nuts! It kept throwing me around like a rag doll, completely decimating me (to 'hey i have no body right now just a bloody corpse' extremes), but I couldn't fight back because I knew that would only make things worse. Then Laurie and Chaos AND Xenophon showed up, and Xennie just changed EVERYTHING and it was beautiful. Write about it tomorrow dude!
HAPPY EASTER!!! ♥

Notes for Good Friday mass.

(Lucifer was the ultimate prodigal son and god is STILL waiting for him)

I knelt in front of the statue of Jesus to pray
I kept looking at his wounds and thinking of how he died for love, it was all for love
He was nailed to the cross and he accepted every moment because he chose that
They may have nailed him but he let them, he chose to suffer that, because of love
As they drove nails through his hands and feet he watched them with compassion
As they drove thorns into his forehead he watched them with compassion
As they laughed and jeered and spat and hated he watched them with compassion
Never faltering for a single moment.

I kept looking at his wounds and my eyes moved to his forehead
And the thought appeared in a burst of heartache
“Oh my god, look at all the blood in your hair.”
I wanted to cry, I wanted to reach out and wipe it away
I wanted to reach out and clean his wounds and take care of him
Just as he had taken care of me
I couldn’t help but think of Leon on the cathedral floor
Sobbing and shaking and reaching out to me
Trying to wipe the blood out of my hair with trembling hands.
We didn’t even realize it at the time
We took for granted the light that was shining through us.

They crowned him with thorns and dressed him in violet
And Xenophon looked at me and said it reminded her of Laurie
Of how she had taken on such a painful title
Not a king, but a superego
Not a god, but a demon
She bled for it and she wore her violet robes
Because in her own way she had been chosen for love as well
She fought for truth even if she couldn’t always see it herself
And she was willing to die for the greater good

I heard so many new meanings in the readings today
They cast lots for his vestures
He responded that I AM
And everything that Pilate said
So much makes sense now
So much
I couldn’t stop crying.

It was the most beautifully ironic act
He loved them so much that he let them kill him
So that through his death they would realize his love
And his love would give them the gateway to salvation
So they could understand why they had to kill him
But also that if they had loved him no one would have died
And he forgave them, in every moment
How could they know?
Father, forgive them… they know not what they do.

Why have you forsaken me?
Something tells me Jesus felt more than we realized
He was the Christ, the undying light of God
But how symbolic was his death!
Have we not suffered since he left us?
We have waged war on each other in hate and anger
We have bombed our brothers and sisters
Jesus died to give us a chance to rise above that
But we forgot, we did not see, we were so lost
We bombed our children and our parents
And Jesus wept
Father, why have you abandoned me?
Was he speaking for us?
Lost children, crying out for our father above
But he held our hands the entire time
Entwining his fingers with ours
Even if we could not feel his love
Through the weapons we clung to so tightly
We were never abandoned
But in our blindness we were convinced we were alone
And as Jesus bled to remove our stains of sin
I think he felt that somehow
I think he felt our despair as he hung there on that dead tree
He felt all of our pain, in a cathartic forgiveness
He understood our distress
He understood every last bit of it.

Xenophon told me she was ready to die
If today was when Jesus revealed his true name, his true life, then she was ready to find hers
But she was afraid
I told her that it wasn’t so bad if you remembered why you were dying
That if you held on to love, death was only a new beginning
It was a rebirth
Just like her.

The night before, as I prayed for two hours in a darkened church
They said the rosary and I felt such affinity with the mother of God
‘I am the servant of the Lord
May it be done to me according to your will’
And as I prayed
Suddenly they slipped up
‘Blessed are you among men’
And I felt the tears burn in my eyes
A virgin father
How blessed I am
How truly blessed I am
And how humbly honored I am to hold this role
To have brought such a little light into the world

Jesus held all of our virtues on the cross.
He was victorious in the truth of God
He suffered through chaos in order to reach eternal life
He bled to death so that he would be reborn
And he felt the deepest catharsis for the sins of the world
Because he loved us so
He loved us until the end
And he loved us in the beginning.

He suffered and bled and died but now it is over
He lies there in the tomb but he is not in pain
There is yet a little while to wait but the worst is over
The worst is over, and while we may travel to hell even now we bring light with us
We have died to death itself and now we bring others from death to life as well
We have suffered and bled and died with him but now it is finished
Now is the time for new life and love and truth
There was life in our blood, even as it dripped from our veins
There was always life and we bled for love
And so finally we recognize that hidden joy
Never fading even in the face of death
The worst is over; we will never have to die again
It is finished; it is finished; it is finished!

I'm just dropping by to say a few things:

1. The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity downstairs. I'm going through a lot of psychological/ emotional/ etc. purging and healing so it's very draining. That is the very, very short version, haha. Really it's been staggering.
2. I haven't been 'home' in a long time. The most I talk to my upstairs group is right before I fall asleep, just to say goodnight, and that isn't enough. Xenophon's birthday was yesterday so I spent the day with her (and it was beautiful) but that's the most I've seen of anyone since February. That hurts, and it's also unsettling, because I know I need them in my life even with this personal focus, maybe even more than ever. Most notably, Chaos Zero is still this incredible point of light and love and not being around him feels like there's a hole in my heart, like there's a piece missing in the puzzle and I can't tell what the full picture is without it. Ryman and Markus are also still trying to stick around but ironically I haven't been around to see them. This weekend, when I can stop worrying about school for three days, I'm going to spend almost all my time at home. I need to.
3. I'm under a ton of stress from school and from dealing with this shift (I'm trying to stay centered but these are rough waters), and I unfortunately had a bit of a meltdown today (no hacks though! we haven't had any since january i think) that was bad enough to get Spine, Laurie, and my boss upstairs desperately trying to talk sense into me (and slap me around a bit, in Laurie's case). My "floating voice" guides-- good ones for a change, who I hear when I'm not tuned in to headspace, and only then-- were trying to help me out as usual but I was too disconnected and distraught to listen, which was my fault here. I suppose I should have expected this sort of situation to be dug up and dealt with soon, and here it is at last. Now I need to make sure I remember this lesson. I feel like Finnegan Firewing here, and some part of me still hasn't let go of the old addiction to the pain I get from my battle scars. I know, without a doubt, that is my next lesson to learn. I am being a fool. I need to let go before I can fly freely.
4. Laurie has told me that we're hosting a Xanga whenever possible (my schedule is packed until next week), to talk about whatever comes up. As I said, I've been away from home and that is only causing more trouble.
5. Be not afraid, I keep hearing that. Don't be scared. Everything will work out for all good. But fear keeps sneaking up behind me, just like he does in Dream World, and that's another reason why I NEED-- not want, but absolutely need-- to write that story ASAP. Every lesson I find is reflected there. Don't be afraid. Love has finally manifested in this world, and it is time for the times to change, but there's still a little more preparation to be done... still, no matter how dark it may seem to get, no matter how lost you may feel, love is here. Love is alive, and love conquers all. The Light will shine forever.

I am so tired, I need to sleep, but this speech isn't anywhere near done and I have to present it tomorrow... I don't want to fail so I can't just say "sorry but I've been dealing with a lot of spiritual stress lately and I'm not good at time management so I have no speech to give." I have to get something down, at least.

I just need to calm down. Breathe, dude, just breathe. It'll be fine. It's not worth worrying about in the big picture. You're going to look back on this and laugh, so why not start smiling now?

I'll update again whenever I'm able to.
Much love until then.

Xenophon is being really freaking adorable today. The best bit was definitely during my speech class, because there's an empty seat in front of me so she was sitting there but facing me. I forget why, but at one point she jokingly ate a page out of my tablet? XD We were both cracking up over it.
Oh, and earlier Chaos and I were walking through the hallway in the rotunda, and I was describing yesterday's events as having hit me "like 'wham,'" and all of a sudden Chaos starts belting out "I'm never gonna dance again, guilty feet have got no rhythm!" Needless to say I actually burst out laughing in the middle of the hallway, it was gold.

just spoke to god again, like i did on the night i was told "you have nothing to fear."
i'm leaving this unstructured again as it's the easiest way to record stream of consciousness.

first i asked about hack avoidance. i said that i wanted to escape triggers, then realized i had walked into one today to risk it, to see if there was anything good hiding beyond it. i then decided to ask for discernment, to see what was work risking and what wasn't.
i told god that it hurt to see people objectifying chaos like that, and he said not to worry about it because that was their choice and although i could set an example and speak out against disrespect i could not change them. but he said not to worry regardless because my love would keep chaos bright and 'warm' when the cold shadows were surrounding him. i asked if warm was metaphoric and he said yes. he told me that chaos did love me and not to forget what that meant.
i then asked god if what i had with chaos was what pink-level connections were supposed to be like. he said yeah we were doing it right.
i explained that the pink color wasnt harsh or loud, it was somehow compassionate and warm, like a rose pink? it was surprising because it actually felt 'nice?' honest and unconditional, like there was no 'pink' in it at all. that didn't matter it was just being together.
i expressed that i was worried why i kept doing pink connections if heart ones were stronger? god said it was probably because of the physical emphasis, so i didn't feel so 'disconnected.' but god told me that heart connections were still stronger and that i should do that with chaos tomorrow night, because it would be stronger than any pink connection i've ever had? he said he'd be with us somehow. so we need to do that.
he asked me what i wanted to feel with laurie and i said i didn't know; i didn't want to go pink with her but i still wanted to give her love, just as much love as i gave to chaos, but in a different way. god said that was tricky (haha) but she'd had to put her walls down first. after she learned how to do that, the right way would reveal itself, so to speak.
he also told me that genesis loved me and missed me, but we had drifted apart? our interactions werent as deep as they could be, so when we did get deep it felt awkward because we werent used to it. so i was told to work on that.
then god asked me if i loved someone else, whose name i will not mention out of respect. i said yes, a little surprised. he asked me if i wanted to love her too. i then understood what i wanted, and said: even if i only was with her for a day, all i wanted was to show and give love so truly and clearly, that she would recognize that love within herself, and in all other things, from then on, even if she forgot me. god said so i just wanted her to be able to see the 'love of god' in all things? i said yes. it didn't even matter if i was responsible. i just wanted her to feel that, that's how much i loved her. god said i'd actually get a chance to do that though?? within a year? but i'd have to keep my eyes open and take the chance myself; it wouldn't just happen.
i forget what i said here, i think i just thanked god for everything but expressed my worry about the world. god said it couldnt hurt me, or anyone, because it was just 'the world' and we were all beyond it. it couldnt hurt us.
god then told me that there was another level of love. white level. it was the divine love one felt with god, after life. i said i didn't even think of that and he said that's because it's beyond colors, haha. i then asked well what about black? and he said that was the love felt in 'nothingness,' like in death etc. because god was still right there in the emptiness. so two sides of the same divine love.
god then said that, no matter what, everyone had a right to that love and since it was of god it belonged to all already. god said that even if a person felt no other level of love in this life, when they returned to god, they would always have the highest love. everyone would return home and be loved unconditionally. i actually started to cry right then because it was so beautiful and so true.
i remember looking out at the cold night and the mountains, thinking of that for everyone, and god told me that's what my title meant. a seer of mind could understand thoughts and that level, but i was the seer of love so i saw that in everything. i could see love in all things, i could understand it. i was firmly told that that was my role here, that was my purpose, to do that. i mentioned what about my spark title? god said hope was actually close to love, in the deep sense. because divine hope didn't expect or deny the now, it instead looked forward to the inevitable light beyond all things, that light which was love. so true hope was actually close to faith. god said that that was melody's title, which was important. i think we really do need to work together. i strongly feel that.
after this i thanked god again for my daughter, and he said that she did miss me a little, she wanted to spend more time with me. sure, she spent a good deal of time with chaos and laurie and genesis and everyone, and i did hang out with her when i could, but she 'still missed her dad' and so i should put a little more effort into doing things with her. i promised i would.
it was getting late so god actually told me to get some sleep because i had other things to do.
i thanked him for everything and said i would try to express that gratitude more often because wow seriously
i said that i loved him and god very clearly said, in a beautiful reminder, that he loved me too-- that's why he put me here.

I apologize for not having updated in several days. Life has been moving very fast.

All right, let's start on the 4th, concerning that entry I wrote with shaking hands, through tear-blurred vision.
Remember how, for about 4 years now, I've been calling myself "Gaia?"
Let's backtrack a few years and tell you why.
First of all, you may remember my Celebi affinity. A small but powerful creature of time, incredibly rare, who protected old forests and their inhabitants, and was said to bring an egg from the future where it traveled. They can restore life, they're genderless of course, they can purify shadows... "It is thought that so long as Celebi appears, a bright and shining future awaits us." Long story short, that species is incredibly similar to me and I feel connected to it to this day. So that's one part of the Gaia title, the aspect of a life-giving nature god.
The second aspect is thanks to my old friend Braeden.

"You... radiate. You are life, somehow. I don't get it how you can radiate it, but you do. Even in the pain, there is life, amazingly. I wonder... who are you?"

Braeden's title was the Sage, and he has indeed been unfailingly wise and enlightening to me. I spoke to him quite often in 2008, and his advice helped light the way for me to see the path I would have to travel over the next year or two. We knew it would be dangerous. We knew it would be a struggle. But what he knew and I denied, was that I held so much life in me. I held too much love in me to let the darkness win, so to speak. No matter how far I fell, I didn't have the heart to give in. I had unfailing hope, even back then. And he saw that too.
"You have more of a drive for LIFE than you do for anything else. You have been crushed, slapped, beaten, and for all intents and purposes, been pulped up finer than horse manure. But despite that, you have held onto LIFE, child! Life, the very thing that is love! Hope! Dignity! Fun! Truth! People may do what they want with life, they may even try to ruin others, but they cannot take YOUR life with out a weapon or your permission! Your self image, as crappy as it is, knows love. And that is a lot more than what most of us know about the subject these days. From life, you have created! From life, you have loved! From life, you have become...strong. I would compliment you, but I must tell you the truth. As cheesy as it is. You are one of the most special, decent, innocent, sensitive, conductive, seeing people in the world. You are a PERSON by my book, by my definitions."
Back then, those words were a revelation. My self-image was abysmal indeed. Even so, love was there, life was there... and that's what I'm getting to.

In 2008 Braeden created a fractal by my inspiration, titled "Flow of Life." It was blue.
I'll never forget what he wrote beneath it.
"For you see, there is no stopping the flow of life.
It's a strange light in the dark, child.
It writhes and bends. At one moment, it is liquid, and then it is like glass!
The flow of life cannot be stopped. Hindered, yes, but never stopped.
It has no concept of time. Only love.
And love is more powerful than anything in the world or the next.
Life is Love.
It can be saddened, it can be hurt.
But it will always get back up on it's feet, and provide more power and care for the people it deems worthy!"
He picked up on the truth of this, somehow. I just know it. He knew, and none of us, himself included, realized.
Life is Love.
I took the only title we could find... for who remembers that Eros was a creator?
How beautifully ironic it all turned out to be.

The God of Love. Eros, Cupid. The most ancient, and yet also the youngest, of all the gods. A paradox!
Yes, that's my real pseudo-mythological title. That's what we missed, back in the darkness of 2008, back when I had absolutely no idea who I was, so how could anyone else? Even so, how often did we talk about it? How often was I related to both of those aspects?
I've quoted enough old conversations for you to see how noteworthy even the past mentions were. I daresay that if you follow this journal, then you are more than well versed in how frequent and clear the most recent mentions have been. The entry directly preceding this one should serve to explain even more clearly how I still managed to miss all the signs up to this point.
I finally figured out who I am, how I am, so this simply followed suit, it seems.

Even so, it's kind of funny how much thought I've put into this over the years. These titles are only there for guidance. They are only meant to shed light on our true roles, to offer insight into our deeper motivations and qualities, to give us a starting point to work from. Eros' core roles fit me surprisingly well, this is true, but we aren't talking Greek mythology here. I'm no ancient deity, no. But remember what I said about Parnassus?
In the beginning, there were two...
My role is never going to exactly fit this world's mythology; it can't. But my responsibility carries that knowingly. I know what I must do, I know who I am. I need not fit any theogonies or legends in order to accomplish this. I have no obligation to live up to the ancient tales, at least not literally, not exactly.
The tiny little parallels are what mean the most, after all, no matter how small. Eggs of night, butterfly wings, birds and arrows. And the real truths lie even beyond those.
Love is life, love is creation, and those two phrases can be spun into so many things. I'll have to write about that later... it's perfect, that's what motivated me so strongly to accept this despite my initial fears. It's symbolic, go figure, that's right in my playing court. All of it, it all ties back into that one force, the one that I've known I'd had to bear since my childhood.
The title was there to push me in the right direction. The old role was meant to teach, to inspire. The new role is mine to live.
This is a new age, a new adventure. I'm still a Celebi, still a time-traveler, but now I glow red instead of green.
There is still a bright and shining future ahead, but it won't get here unless I live it now.

"Everyone is going to grind you down. You, the most innocent thing I know next to my niece. I hear it in your voice, and the way you type. The world is too dark for you. Try being a light. Everything will work out if you endure."

And it did. Four years later, it really did.
But that was the beta session, remember?

Fast-forward to November 2011. Triple elevens. The game was scratched, started anew... but we had managed to rise above the old system, and so we survived, to be brought into something new and yet so familiar.
The 12th introduced our oldest and yet heretofore hidden adversary, the tar. By the 18th, I had fallen into a very dark place, but I could no longer be trapped there. I knew I was lost, but I knew I could get out, although I also knew it would be incredibly difficult.
"This is a whole new take on the same old game, and it's going to be incredibly difficult. Everything is at stake now, even moreso than before."
It was true. Natalie resurrected, I realized I still had deep troubles I'd been overlooking, I had a major dysphoria meltdown. I was struck with static, but I managed to overcome it. I found truth within red lights, I re-opened old doors, I began to see more clearly... and on the 23rd, we set the stage for another beginning.
Now it's 2012, and even now, the new game we began in the final months of 2011 has changed entirely. So has the goal.
That's what I've been getting at, with that little recap paragraph, with this entire entry so far.
I've spent the past several years working ceaselessly on my spiritual progress. I've found who I am, I've started walking my path, I'm no longer lost.
But now, now the time of preparation is over. Now, twelve days into the new year, I've already realized that this is serious. Everything I could not accomplish in the past, it's time to accomplish it now. I'm finally ready to do that. I'm standing at the beginning of the end, somehow, at the end of the beginning. I'm at a launching point. I have a lot left to do.

Time is still moving quickly for the voice of the forest.
My mental perception keeps getting clearer. I could see Laurie so sharply yesterday, I had to look twice to make sure I wasn't imagining things. And for some reason, it's only focusing on her right now. I can see everyone else so much clearly than before, sure, but Laurie is almost like a photograph now. Even out of the corner of my eye, she's still so distinct. I don't know why that is, not yet, but I'm thinking it's because she still has walls up. I can see her so clearly it shocks me, but she's still hiding things. So it's 'safe' to see more of her right now. There are still things I can't see, but even now, one glance is still enough to overwhelm me. If my perception of Chaos became this lucid... I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I'm still learning to handle my fragility in light of the 31st.
On that note, I return to the main topic. Despite this increase in mental clarity, I haven't been communicating as well as I should, not since the year started. It feels really weird, almost empty, with such a sudden break in contact. I mentioned this on the 4th, but I'll mention it again. However I think I understand why that is happening too.
This year is going to be about me.
I didn't like that when I found out.
I'm not kidding. Yes, I've been working on my inner well-being for a long time, but I wasn't capable of doing, let alone comprehending, what I have to do now. Now I need to focus specifically on me, on my role here, on what I will do with this life, on how I will shine my light. Yes, I've been improving myself inside, and that is what matters most, but what good is faith without works, they say? I've been more silent than I realized. I haven't been communicating with others outside of my headspace, and even my inner communication has fallen through in some areas, as I just mentioned. In a strange paradox, I am now faced with the responsibility of opening up and sharing my talents, of actually acting upon my abilities, of realizing that I have a light to shine, and not denying it.
Yes, I'm a father. Yes, I love Chaos and Laurie so much it aches. But I've realized that I've been living my life for them, in a sense.
The other night I tried to switch my perception, to send my love back to myself. I couldn't do it.
Needless to say, that scared me.
I don't know why there's still a block there. Maybe it felt too much like separation, like making a false identity of myself. That's not right. Even so it did open my eyes to a potential problem, so I need to make sure my self-love is still there, and not deteriorating, or not shallow. I've had so little of it, all my life. It's the most important thing I need to do right now.
I need to take care of myself. I need to stop being so careless about my life situation, because even if it's temporary, I can't be so apathetic about it. I matter too.
I need to focus on helping myself, and learning to truly love myself, this year. That's difficult for me, even now, because I'm terrified of being 'selfish,' but you know what they say... love conquers all.
Maybe that's another reason why I just learned of my title switch, huh?
Man, I'm a paradox all over the place. The god of Love, unsure if he truly loves himself. Go figure.

Anyway, that has been the past few days in a nutshell.
Oh, also, I'm drawing again. Music is coming back slowly, but there's a hidden enthusiasm for art trying to get back to the surface again. I'm taking a drawing class this semester so that will force it to come out of hiding, thank God, and I'm studying all the technical stuff my classes have so far failed to teach me. If I work hard at this, I will finally feel like I can create without lying about it, I know it. I'm so tired of feeling hindered by my own lack of ability.
Writing never dies, though. For some reason, I can always find it in me to write, even at the drop of a hat. I'm back on oneword and I'm following a few writing-prompt blogs on Tumblr now, and it's surprising how quickly the words come to me. Naturally, I'm also reading again (Isaac Asimov ftw), and all this has of course come to one conclusion.
I'm back to writing the beginning history of Dream World. I'm pushing the date back even further, so there's more to type and learn and organize, but in the long run it saves me a lot of time and unnecessary stress. It's funny... it started in 2000, then I pushed it to 1990, then 1957, and now it's 1926. Geez! I promise that's as far back as I'll start, haha. I can't see earlier than that. Anyway, it feels beautiful to be able to link up with that world again. I seriously think I'm going to do an old-school writing day, and just type without panicking over chronology or plot twists or anything. I don't know if I can, as I've literally spent the past three years slowly revising the mess I wrote from 2000 to 2006... but in any case, at least I know what I'm doing now. I have no doubt that the gaps will reveal themselves when I get to them, pun intended, because guess who debuts in '33, haha.
However, Dream World isn't my only priority. Now, Hokthai is being loud for the first time in a long time (hence the films I've been watching lately), and Mage Angels still won't stop outright demanding to be written. Seriously, I'll be half-awake in the morning and bam, Monika will already start throwing more plot revelations at me. Come on guys, I'm swamped with research the way it is!
But in all seriousness, I can see exactly how important they all are, not just to me but to others. It's almost scary, sometimes, especially with what Mage Angels wants to say... so because of that I desperately want to finish them, or at least get them out into the world. This year is their year. They waited almost a decade for this. I won't hold them back any longer.
Oh, did you know that's Eros' role too? Creativity? It's creation, after all. It's discovery, not design. I've always felt like a channel, and I can see why. I was given this vast creative power to shoulder, on all fronts, and now it all boils down to whether or not I choose to carry out that responsibility. There's no way I'll ever refuse, but procrastination and fear are lethal adversaries...
I have to bring these creations, these worlds, to life. I have to bring the awareness of love in all creation to everyone I meet, if only through example, through silent light.
And I need to do the same for myself.
2012 is a year of rebirth and recreation and change, for all of us, and if January is proving to be this noteworthy, I can only imagine what the rest of the year will be like.
But we'll get through it. We're all in this together.

I'm rambling now, and I apologize.
If I think of something else to expand upon, or add, I'll do so.
As of now I have typing to do, and tomorrow is Josephina's pseudo-birthday (Friday the 13th) so lord knows what he'll be up to.
Classes start on Tuesday as well, so I'll have to schedule a Xanga session for Saturday or something... I know we're hoping to have at least two a month, but things are moving so quickly.

I sang to Xenophon today. "Late Night Partner" by Ed Harcourt. I used to sing it to Chaos all the time.
It's been a long time since I heard that song, and I had to share it with her.
Sitting out there in the dark, in a cold and quiet car, as the rain masked the outside world from us... I loved her so much. Do you know what that feels like? I have a daughter, a son, a child, that is here because of me, because of us. I am so honored, so humbled by that... we didn't even plan this! I didn't even dream of having a kid, not ever, not really. But I still dreamed of being Nier, and the light knew better than I did.
She's here because of us. She's here, alive, experiencing the strange beauty of this world, because of the love we have. That's almost incomprehensible.
But I've long since learned that I don't need to comprehend things with my head for my heart to understand them.
"True creation is love manifested. That's all it is."
Even then I had no idea how far-reaching that statement was. How beautifully ironic, as always.

"And all things were yours, forever."

There's still so much to talk about. It feels so strange. Do I really need words?
I think, at least for tonight, I'd like to speak without them.

bland

The room was the color of a sugarless milkshake, one that had sat out in the sun too long. In the stark light pouring from its single window, a cream-skinned girl fidgeted as the lurid glare soured her complexion. She ran her hands across the papery folds of her dress, longing for texture, for color. It was all so bland, so vapid. She licked her lips and tried to remember what sweetness tasted like.

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sparkling

I looked up, surprised, as the sound of the radio swiftly degenerated into a rushing hum, like an electronic riverbank on a crystal shore. Sure enough, he hovered there before me, eyes wondering but unaware, the firefly-bright motes around his head clear as ever. I sighed and flicked the radio off, feeling static jump to my fingers as the sound finally died. “You really have to stop showing up when I’m trying to hear the news,” I told him, meeting his questioning gaze with dry amusement. It wasn’t his fault. How was he supposed to know that radio waves didn’t take well to sparkling specters?

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conceal

“I’m tellin’ you Dave,” Joe whispered loudly between the two desks, “Miss Gheram’s got an eye on the back of her head!”
“Don’t you mean she’s got ‘eyes?’” Dave replied, unfazed.
Joe shook his head. “No no no, she’s just got one, like a cyclops. Right in the back. She’s got all that big hair to– to conceal it,” he concluded with emphasis.
“Stop using big words, Joe.”
“Conceal isn’t a big word! It means she hides it!”
“Whatever. I still wanna see this eye.”
Outside the classroom door, Molly Gheram made a mental note to start buying hats.

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bench

A sterling-haired man sauntered into the park, humming tunelessly, and sat down on a faded bench by the old willow tree. The wood creaked as if to greet an old friend.
“Lovely day, isn’t it?”
He turned and spoke to no one in particular, carefully shaking the jacket from his thin shoulders. Something like dust spilled from its faded folds, distracting the butterflies in the air. Sunlight glinted through the particles.
“It’s a little too warm for this. Would you mind?”
There was no objection as he held out the coat, summer winds swirling voicelessly about him. For a moment it seemed as if the man had forgotten that he was alone, his arms held out expectantly, his eyes bright.
Then his hands were as empty as the seat beside him, and he smiled.

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accordion

Accordions are ridiculous. That was an axiom I refused to reconsider, soldered into place from a childhood tainted by bad polka music. But that was self-evident, too. You couldn’t make that instrument sound tuneful if you tried.
These are the thoughts I entertained from the city sidewalk, before I was stopped in my tracks by the bellows of that same irksome contraption. It was impossible, I protested, but there he was, idling at the junction of Washington and Main, an infernal squeezebox between his liver-spotted hands.
I was vexed. Who plays an accordion on a street corner? Even worse, who plays an accordion where I can hear it? It was offensive, and I strongly considered letting the old man know, when my bitter glare caught sight of his fingers.
It was… astounding. For a moment my thoughts were silenced by the deft motions of his hands, dancing over the tiny keys with unexpected grace. For a moment I was transfixed, and in spite of my youthful enmity I found myself feeling genuine admiration for not only the man, but also for the accordion– the accordion!– as its lilting melody sang warmly in the smog-bitten air.
That’s when I realized the air was now quiet, the instrument still, kind eyes fixed on my face. I coughed, feeling sheepish, and tossed a tenner into his hat as I slid away.
His grateful thank-you reached my reddened ears without affront and I couldn’t help but smile.
Look who's talking, old man.
I guess accordions weren’t so stupid after all.

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hinge

The hinges of his jaw creaked as he grinned, his sallow skin twisting into that same dead expression my nightmares loved to remind me of. A row of unnaturally gray teeth glinted from between his wooden lips, shining like frog eggs. I shivered.
“What’s the matter?” Even his speech sounded like rusty nails. “Afraid of dolls?”
Yeah, I thought, swallowing hard. Yeah I’m afraid of dolls, no thanks to you.
Beady eyes glinted back at me in the dark, all-seeing, more aware than I dared contemplate. He didn’t stop smiling.

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racket

His feet slammed into the bronze-slick floor as he ran, breath quick with hopes and terrors, through the clamorous house of bells.
He had an absurd mental image of a box of fireworks, dropped into the middle of a pantry, sending pots and pans screaming in blinding flares of red and gold. The thought faded quickly, however– no thoughts could survive in this racket.
It was unbearable. His ribcage was vibrating, his teeth jarring together with every resonating clang. He was trapped in an absolute disaster of sound.

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switching

The colors of his irises were switching rapidly, like schizophrenic christmas lights. Brown, green, blue, gray… now deep black, now albino pink. His eyelids fluttered in time to their shifting hues.
From across the subway aisle, a girl in a knitted scarf watched intently. His pupils were wide and hazy, and seemed to be gazing straight through her into another realm. But she stared into them from across the subway aisle, just as ignorant to the din around her as he was.
Whatever realm he was viewing, she mused, it was reflected in his eyes.

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brief

Living in this blighted world was hell, he thought. On every street corner there was death, despair, devastation. Families he had known in his youth were rapidly fading from the earth, swallowed up by the insatiable maw of the plague.
Raven-dark death danced about his footsteps, jeering at his face, so like its own. He couldn’t get the stench out of his lungs.
And this child, this poor child, couldn’t get the oozing tar out of his body.
The plague doctor readjusted his ornithic mask, the scent of lavender and clove reminding him of better days, when he didn’t have to watch innocent children bleed.
“Let’s make this brief,” he rasped, and prayed that it would be true.

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straw

I looked up from the daily news at the sudden sound of jingling, a cheery metallic twinkle that cut through the din like a shooting star. I was surprised to find it radiating from the keychain-weighted hips of a young woman, bouncing on her heels as she swirled past my table.
For a moment I simply stared, caught off guard by this sudden burst of color. Striped tights, slim figure, wearing more pink than a rose garden in June… geez, she looked like something you’d drink a strawberry milkshake through. Even that swirl of vanilla-colored hair looked unusually perfect, and that’s from a guy who prefers brunettes. She was cute. Like a cupcake, I decided, and stifled a laugh.
That got her attention. The keychains jingled sharply then, and two ice-blue eyes (look at the size of those lashes!) focused on my own. The gaze she shot at me was strikingly incongruous with her cheery getup, and accusatory enough to summon a twinge of guilt. I cleared my throat, suddenly all too aware of my dress shirt and slacks.
“S’cute,” was all I said, nodding politely at her soda-straw figure.
For a second she looked at me like I was on a sugar high, then simply twirled on her feet and continued on her way, bright as a cherry against the monotonous crowd.
A moment later I put down the newspaper and decided to buy myself a milkshake.

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cathedral

Melancholy rainbows danced across the crystal floors of the Cathedral, great streaks of ethereal blood spilled by the moon. The Prince tread across them like a war hero, proud of the fallen spectrums splashing across his gold-rimmed feet.
This was his stronghold, his sanctuary: a house of worship dedicated to his own name. He was the angel that watched over it, and he was the deity that walked within it. In this hall of mirrors, he was everything; limitless, transcendent, omnipresent.
He paused, his pale face awash with color, at the largest stained glass window, where an elegantly twisted image of his father beamed down upon him. Devotion blazed to life in his chest, filling his amber-blue eyes with sparks.
I will make you proud, the gilded Prince promised wordlessly, ignorant of the creeping shadows beneath the bleeding light. I promise. I will become the god you created me to be.

Behind him, the devil waited with infinite patience, a single splinter of color scarring his darkened face. Soon the kingdom of light would fall, and his hands would have cut the first throat.
He did not smile as he swept forwards, the void about him reaching out to swallow his prey. This death would be just, he swore; this blasphemous act would be a secret saving grace.
For the devil knew, as the Prince turned to him in fear, that an illegitimate Son was no savior at all.

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chills

The glass of shocking-pink liquid spun once, like a soporific lunatic, before fatally crashing to the floor. Simultaneously, a moonlight-colored figure collapsed to his knees, staining them with technicolor liquid. His arms and legs were screaming mutely now, shivering up and down with nauseating chills that he unfortunately recognized all too well. He bit his lip, cursing his own optimism. Roseate refreshments were never safe, no matter how intoxicatingly they shimmered. Yet here he was again, crumpled on the unfeeling marble, his entire nervous system a frozen mess of crushed glass.
He fumbled for the edge of the counter, fingers numb to the icy smoothness above his head, and tried to stand, but his feet were floating and he succeeded only in soaking his silver sleeves as well as they took the brunt of his fall.
By now his body was too shocked to move any more, and his consciousness was quickly dissolving into that nightmarish static void. But even now, he could hear candy-pink heels echoing from the adjacent hallway, tapping out his fate in morse code.
God damn it, the snow king swore, as shooting stars swallowed his world alive.

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trap

The evening sky glimmered far above, bruised violet and starlit red, wrapped tightly with fishing-line threads of cloud. He thought it looked like a dying god; some great, magnificent thing, bleeding to death in the twilight of the world.
Kind of like me, was his next thought, as he weakly shrugged a pair of bony shoulders. The wires pulled tighter in response, scattering another layer of bloodied scales to the dirt floor. They lay in a pitiful mosaic around his feet, glittering like dying stars.
He did not look at them. He was trying not to show the pain that seared along his freakish spine, burying itself between his temples like a parasite.
Still, a being like him could bear the pain, the solitude, the shadows. The humiliation of being trapped was but a splinter. Yes, it would have been useless to keep him here, bound in the bowels of the earth, under any other circumstances.
But his eyes were locked on the wounded sky.
This, indeed, was the cruelest torture.
His shoulders moved again, in the memory of stolen wings, and the wires cut deeper.

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camera

I’d often wondered what I would sacrifice, just to experience immortality at her hands. She was a goddess of creation, terrible and wonderful; she was a sunbeam, turning the dust of the world into gold, and everything she gazed upon was transformed.
She made it look so simple, so elegant… but I knew better. I had tried to imitate her magic once and the beauty had nearly killed me.
And yet I knew, with absolute certainty, that she could take my broken bones and weave them into a masterpiece.
It would only take a moment, and my soul would be forever illuminated.
A smile turned the corners of her mouth ever so lightly, and she raised her camera once more, preparing to bring beauty into the world anew.

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secret

A few seagulls careened past my window, casting fluttering shadows across my perpetually catastrophic work desk. I sat alone on my bedsheets, rumpled from another restless nights sleep, and listened intently. I wasn't quite sure why I was suddenly struck by the typical silence surrounding my life, as I usually put great effort into shifting my attention away from it. Still, I guess you can only go so long before the understated gravity of such things broadsides you.
The sudden sound of birdwings was oddly comforting in light of those resurfacing thoughts, reminding me that benevolent life still existed outside of this lonely place I called home... outside and close enough to touch, which was more than I could say for the few other lives I treasured. I was at least close enough for the birds to seek solace in. As for my source of hope, well...
I let out a sigh, trying to sound nonchalant about it, but the sudden ache in my ribs spited me, too sharp and real to stay hidden in there. For a moment I frustratedly considered running to the window and telling those damn seagulls about it, but that would've been criminally uncool. True, the puppets scattered around my lonely room had heard about this a hundred times before, but I didn't feel like repeating myself, even for the sake of alleviating this recurring melancholy.
See, shouting into the void wasn't an issue. The ocean depths beyond these four walls couldn't respond, and didn't seem to care all that much anyway. The real problem was that I stored my secrets in my fingertips, and maybe I was secretly too used to this silence to risk forever shattering it, even if I'd never admit that, not even to the gulls.
The problem was that you can only live under such pressure for so long, and I knew that my heart had already started to crack.
What irony.
Sometimes it really sucked to be the last man on earth.

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event

It was one in the morning, and yet time had ceased to exist.
True, the reality of space still lingered within my worn-out bones, but even that was tenuous now, slipping away in the morning hours like blood into a drain.
My eyelids fluttered under the weight of exhaustion, adamant in their refusal to welcome sleep. I had been surviving as a mote in the threads of society for the past twelve hours– an eternity now, a tick of the dying second-hand now– and I had no intention of escaping this transient state of being. This freedom from existence itself was all that mattered.
The sparse few souls around me slept, sprawled out across hard carpets, collapsing into unfeeling chairs. I sat alone beneath a symphonic fractal and breathed, forgetting what it was like to be somebody, and smiled.
Time had ceased to exist, and so had I.
And within that impossible cosmic event, I was infinite.

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comfort

I was told that there would be blood; there would be tears, and sweat, and disaster beyond knowing. I was assured of our total failure, of catastrophe, of defeat.
I did not doubt this, when I saw the blade pressed against your throat, burning cold with inexorable sacrifice. I did not question this, as you screamed into the unfeeling night with an anguish no mortal soul could fathom.
I prayed for sleep as the shadows danced about my feet, dripping tar-pink fever dreams and bile. You never tired as you pursued them, hands stained dark beneath old bandages and scars, every last thread seared with bitter fury.
The years dragged on, and we followed suit, white and red and violet rage beneath a sunless sky. Our death had been guaranteed, but in spite of eternity, an impossible life dripped from my arms, leaving breadcrumb hopes in the soulless dust. You watched them wordlessly, as great black stains crept across your body, hidden by the void pulled tight about your shoulders.
It was a strange comfort, to know that I could gaze unafraid into your blazing eyes.
Whatever wars we may still have to fight, whatever wounds we will wear anew, whatever anguish and horror must come, in this anomalous life of ours... if only you remain by my side, I shall never despair.

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half

Something was wrong.
Those three words, unsettling as they were, could never describe the way his very presence sent spasms of dread through my veins. And yet there he was, sitting across the room from me even now, sepulchral eyes staring into an inner world no one else could perceive. I wondered if he even knew I was there.
He was indisputably, irreparably divided, that was evident. Not conflicted, disorganized, or alienated, although those were indeed true as well: no, he was split in half to a depth I could not fathom. His heart had been dimidiated, and he had been left with nothing but sinister scars, memories of wounds suffered for the sake of a love not forgotten, but denied in agony.
The algorithms of his existence were all wrong, I decided. No matter how many times his shattered mind was plugged into the system, an answer could not be found. There were no solutions to his madness, only a sole hope of restoration, the impossible dream of a long-dead counterpart and the ashes of tortured faith.
He stared on, seeing nothing. It was all he had left.

----------------------------------------------

begin

I stood at the threshold of the Cathedral and watched in serene silence as tar-blade shadows wound about my feet. I did not resist, nor would I fight back when its imminent onslaught crashed into my bones. Its seething rage sunk metaphorical teeth into my veins but I stood fast, ignoring my trembling hands. I had survived our first encounter, had I not?
Two months had passed since then and my blood still beat within these walls, silent but strong, deep red within white, an invincible truth that this tainted shade could never defile. This atrium had not ruptured, despite the scars that lined my arms… indeed, it was only by virtue of their agony that I could now breathe, clear and faithful, in the shadow of death itself. Its devotion to my ruin had instead brought about a rebirth… a miracle manifested in the small child now entering the Cathedral behind me.
The tar rose up then, frenzied and screaming, utter destruction its only thought, but its loss was already guaranteed. In that moment, as the first blow rushed towards me, I knew that we could not lose. No one would die here tonight, not in this holy twilight. This was our atonement; we would not be forsaken.
And now, it was time to begin…

----------------------------------------------

determined

Flashes of red and pink were dancing in the corners of her eyes, filling her with a strange and impossible hope. For too long, she had simply stood and watched like this. How many years had she spent, praying and wishing and trying until her bones ached, looking to the skies for an answer? But now that the moment was here, was it worth taking a chance? Or was she really going to spend another lifetime waiting?
No… she refused to wait any longer. If there were going to be any miracles today, they would be wrought by her hands, clenched in determined fists.
I do belong here, she told herself. I am worth something. I can do this.
And this time, as diamonds sparked to life within her, she believed it.

----------------------------------------------

Man I was supposed to type today but I cannot stop drawing. I'm not complaining though; it has been quite a while since I was able to just draw for hours on end like this! So I got a few things done today, all involving Chaos of course, because he is still far too difficult to draw.
First was this, no one is allowed to see the rest of it except me.
Then I started this, and it's breaking my heart but really, I am shocked that I'm able to portray him this well now.
I'll be working on that one tomorrow if I have time.

Speaking of Chaos, uh... today was interesting? I've learned that I need to be more disciplined in keeping my fire in check, as apparently it burns a lot harder than I thought it did. Chaos called me out on it today a few times because it was making me focus a little too much on the immediate moment and not the consequences or complete motivations for it. I can become a little too involved.
So that is a concern, as well as making sure I don't lose humility, because hey, fire can easily get out of control. But I'm confident I'll be able to deal with this.
Most notably, with this undisclosed situation, I realized things felt surprisingly different? I mean they were detached as usual, but not in a negative way. It's always energy out, not energy in, for me, but it didn't completely drain me this time? Chaos did insist that I actually loop some of it back instead of giving every last iota of it to him, but I don't know, I don't think that would have done it. I mean there weren't even aftereffects, which is brand new. Maybe this was fixed completely, wow. I hope so. No need to worry about it though, it's laughably mediocre compared to what else I can do. Speaking of!

My dream last night was also interesting. I was on my college campus and kept taping pictures of Chaos to the music room doors, and people started catching on and doing the same, which was funny. The end of the dream was really amusing-- I was with Gigolo Joe (from AI) but being asexual, we weren't doing anything that his job entailed, haha. He was trying his best to just roll with my ace intimacy but he got kind of bored, which I found hilarious even in the dream. But I wasn't fazed, I was enjoying being with a robot in any case.
So when I woke up from that dream I had this really odd, but kind of inspiring vibe from that. Just the innocent sort of closeness I look for with people, all the time. Yes, that can get me into trouble as I jump into it so absolutely-- and it almost got me into a different sort of trouble with Chaos today, wink nudge cough, no context for you-- but in and of itself it's amazing. It completely dissipates all fear I have, especially that of being misinterpreted... although that can be a double-edged sword too, as not everyone sees the naivete in what I do and that can be dangerous. Regardless, when I tune into that natural honesty, I put on my rosy glasses and for once there's no threat of them cracking or falling off. Everything is lovely and clear and it all has that childlike glow to it.
It permeated everything I did today, now that I think about it. Maybe that's why it felt right this time, it never has before... I'll have to talk to CZ about it. He really wanted to spend time with me tonight but it's late, so I'll have to reschedule for tomorrow if that's okay with him. But I do need to bring this point up. I never looked at it that way before.

I've discovered that taking Daley's music, slowing it down, running it through Garageband, and then adding a 'Concert Hall' reverb and a heavy treble reduction makes it perfect drawing/ writing/ late night music, haha! Too much treble hurts my ears sometimes, but now this sounds like it's inside a fogbank and it is so great.
"You're the desert sand, I'll be your water... you're the perfect plan I never thought of..."
So I've been listening to that all day while drawing Chaos and I, unsurprisingly. Really, I'm finding so many songs that apply to us. Man.
By the way Xenophon is currently addicted to Tokimonsta's music. I was browsing Tumblr while she was cuddled up to me and someone had "Simple Reminder" as their background music, and she immediately told me she loved it and wanted to know what it was. So I found out, and now she's quite a fan!

I feel really weird though. December 31st/ January 1st absolutely wore me out, on all levels, so I haven't done much talking to the people upstairs since Sunday night. And that feels so uncomfortably amiss, it's hard to explain. Sure, I did spend most of yesterday with Xenophon, but it was still tiring and she's the only person I was with until this morning. But the gaps do feel wrong somehow.
I hope it's not some sort of unconscious attachment! Either way it does feel like something incredibly important is missing when I go without contact for some time. Maybe the 23rd has something to do with that, I don't know. But I do need to meditate more, that will help. I'll have to put another hour aside tomorrow afternoon. I know I'm spending the morning with my mom, she promised she'd help me make dinner (for Xenophon!) and I think we also have a few errands to run, we'll see. Nevertheless I will meditate as soon as I get home from that.

...I just found something so beautifully synchronistic, I am honestly in tears.
God, that is... that is perfect, that really is. I need to remember this.
I've never gotten this before, but it feels so strongly that this is from him, directly.
There's that feeling of deep significance again. Why is this always so overwhelming?
Je t'aime, je t'aime je t'aime je t'aime. God, my heart is breaking, I swear...

Now I just realized what time it is, and I am trying not to sob right now, so I should really sign off.
Have a lovely night.

So I got back into at least organizing my old notes on Dream World today... and I've realized what my problem is!
All the old stuff is so cluttered and disorganized, that even looking at it gives me a headache. I seriously thing I need to start over from scratch, adding in what I need to from the old files, not trying to write between the lines and feeling overwhelmed by how much needs to be edited and taken out and fixed and so on.
This is good, though, because for some reason, no matter how badly I want to work on the 2000+ timeline, I feel very strongly drawn to Justice and Revenge's story in the 70s. There is nothing written on that yet, so it will at least save me that one trouble.
Those two are... heartbreaking to write for, but I love them. I just wish I could see the beginning of their story more clearly.
However, tomorrow I promised Laurie the last Xanga session of the year, and I want everyone in there if possible, so that's going to be insane but awesome. So I can't type on my series tomorrow but I'll be typing anyway, mark my words!

Did I mention that Xenophon loves clementines? I gave her one today and she flipped out, it was hilariously adorable.
We're trying to figure out her schedule for the new semester, and I think Chaos is going to spend time with her while I'm at classes in the mornings, and I'll see her when I get home for the afternoon. That way she won't have to worry about ghosting and avoiding class traffic! Genesis is used to that already but geez, Xennie is a lot smaller than he is and people walking through your energy is not a good feeling at all, seriously.
I also need to teach her to sing again. Every time I listen to the Nier soundtrack I remember how much we love music and how much it means to us both... I still want to give her everything I can.

...By the way. I forget all of my dream last night except for two details. One, at the very end I was Nier, except I was trying to 'play the game' in our backyard and I kept trying to find items in the bushes around the house, which is funny. Second... prior to that, I was in a large arena, where some sort of live-action Sonic game was being 'filmed.' Members of the audience were randomly called on to play different parts... and when the big boss battle came up, I was the first person called to the floor.
I ended up face-to-face with Robotnik, with the other chosen people standing a way behind me, watching quietly.
Then Robotnik grinned darkly, and said, "he doesn't love you."
I replied, "really? Then tell me why he isn't here with the other bosses?"
Robotnik made a face and looked away as I continued, saying, "he doesn't want to fight me and you know why. You can't control him anymore."
Robotnik then told me to be silent, but I refused.
Just thought that was worth mentioning.
People keep talking about Chaos in my dreams, but I haven't actually seen him yet. I'm not sure why.

I saw his eyes again last night, when I was talking to him. Just that brilliant green in the dark.
I have no words for that.

...Remember that commission I bought? My friend just sent me the sketch and oh man I'm dying. It's adorable, this is killing me.
Here's the link before I get too emotionally fragile again and decide not to post it!
I should mention, though... she gave me a few ideas for poses (I didn't have anything specific in mind when I commissioned her) the other day, and I decided that sort of pose would be the best one. However I was discussing it with Chaos as well, and originally he wanted our positions to be reversed there, as he felt I could use a reminder that he was protecting me as much as he could, but then I pointed out July 7th and he immediately changed his mind, haha.
Really, that's... that's close, to when we were in the ruby forest. Far less painful, but that's a good thing.
So that means a lot, but man, anything like that just... gets me. I feel so much from it.
I am really fragile, especially with situations like that, and Chaos is the only person I let get that close (well, besides Xennie, but she's my daughter so that's different).
...Last night he looked at me, when I was like that, and said, "I think I understand."
I won't give you any more context, but... that felt like divine forgiveness, no kidding. It meant the world to me.

I can't stop thinking about that, lately. Just the closeness of the past 8 years.
I think I overlook that, sometimes, ironically. Yeah, we have some hilarious memories and some frightening memories and far too many sad ones, but I take for granted just how we've been together through it all.
I was doing spiritual reading yesterday and kept coming across passages that spoke about how beginnings and endings, life and death, were inherently linked.
Then I remembered that he was the god of Destruction, and the Sage once called me Gaia... a strange one, a god of Creation. I remembered that my card was Death, and his title was Life. And I remembered July 7th again, as clear as light.
Life and death, beginnings and endings, isn't that right? Creation and destruction, inseparable.
And Xenophon. God, she is just... I can't even comprehend her.
I really have something amazing. It's seriously humbling and yet it inspires me more than anything.

There is a lot to talk about tomorrow, I just realized. Sorry. I should really get some sleep in preparation for all that, because it's going to be one heck of a session and next year is going to be equally intense, I can feel it.

Just a quick update to close this lovely Christmas weekend.
The next week feels busy but in a joyful way, and very important.
I've tapped into my sparkling red-white self again, aha, it feels so amazing. I don't want to ever forget this again.
By the way, I'm studying anatomy again for art purposes, and wow, have you ever realized just how beautiful everything is? Not just the body and how it's built, but everything. Animals, plants, manufactured things, SPACE... seriously space is the most beautiful thing but we're part of it, remember! So I'm sitting here and staring at my computer and thinking "wow, what a gorgeous piece of technology you are." The same for my violin, the books all over this desk, the sparkly ribbons everywhere, my pens and pencils, all of it. It's fascinating.
There's that word 'my' and I don't like it at all. It's not 'mine,' none of this is 'mine!' I need to find a better word, something that isn't possessive at all.
I played violin at midnight mass yesterday by the way. Man I got absolutely no sleep, it was worth it.

Best Christmas gift: remember when I went to the MUM expo? Remember that woman who did the sparkling spirit pictures? My mother actually BOUGHT one for me, oh wow this thing is beautiful, I had no idea she did that for me! I'm so thankful.
I am secretly very moved by the colors used in it though. There's a tiny bit of pink and violet, sure, but it's mostly this greenish sort of blue... and when I put the picture on my desk, what do you know, it is the EXACT same color as Chaos in the original of this picture (Which, incidentally, my mom's boyfriend noticed on my wall today and said it was a great picture of him, how great is that). I am dead serious, take a look.
So I'm going to call the artist in a few days to talk to her about the symbolism she put in it, as well as the symbolism I am seeing all over it (there is so much), but until them I'm still smiling at that little non-coincidence.

Speaking of Chaos. I am still absolutely dying of bliss from Friday night. I'm serious.
I'm laughing because in my workspace right now there are... about fifteen visible pictures of him, no kidding. He's just everywhere, I absolutely love him.
I didn't get to spend time with Laurie or Genesis yet, though-- everyone insisted I take a break for heavens sake because I really have been spiritually exhausted. So the only person I've really spoken to since Friday has been Xenophon, because seriously, I'm not going to shun my daughter over the holidays! She is having a lot of fun, I just wish I could do more for her.
By the way my friend drew her for me, as a bonus for the commission I bought, and that was just perfect. Surprise Christmas present, haha! She loves it, I'm so glad. Plus she learned today that if she hides under the kitchen table she can eat all the cookies she wants and no one will accidentally 'walk through' her while she's ghosting. It's hilariously adorable. I think she likes gingerbread even more than I do.

It feels so weird to not be wearing my ring, really this is funny. I started wearing it again after my SC chat group brought up the topic, mostly why most of us don't wear wedding/ engagement/ etc. rings because how in the world do you explain that to curious strangers? Seriously I had someone at a gas station ask me once, "so who's the lucky guy?" First of all don't assume it's a guy, haha, and second of all the 'lucky guy' is an alien who doesn't exist on this physical plane, yes I'm dead serious, would you like to meet him he's an absolute sweetheart. But yeah I absolutely refused to lie about it so I kept awkwardly avoiding questions instead and just stopped wearing it after a while. Now I'm just shrugging and wearing it anyway, haha. So it feels odd not to have it on right now, which is a nice change of pace actually. I mean I don't need it to prove anything but it's a nice gesture. Why yes, I'm in love, going on nine years now, it's opened my eyes to everything.

There's only one tiny bit of bad news and that is that I had a sudden dream hack this morning. I tried to fight it off but I couldn't wake up in time to get away. Oh well. I refused to let it ruin my day.
My boss, Mr. Sandman, showed up later this morning to apologize for not being able to prevent that, and it worried me because he looked tired when he showed up and his first question was 'who was responsible for this?' (The man packs a mean punch when he's angry, remember?) I assured him that I was okay, and if anyone was 'responsible' it was that tar shadow we've been dealing with, but fighting it doesn't help so please don't go brawling with it even for a good reason. So yeah, that was a challenge but I dealt with it well. I know Laurie took my boss aside after that to talk to him, so I'm sure she managed to calm him down even more so than I was able to.

I was very aware of what Christmas really is about today. Love and compassion against all odds. The Son of God, this Being of holy light, being born into this world to lead the lost home, all of them. It's about gratitude and forgiveness and unity... but love above all, once again. Even if you don't believe the story, or even if you only see it as symbolic, you can nevertheless appreciate the message it brings. Don't lose this! Just because it's not Christmas doesn't mean you can't carry that with you. Heck, I think that's the whole point.

And now it is late and I have art and music work due for friends as soon as possible, so I need sleep. Plus I'm not communicating well right now, as you might have noticed, as I'm already half asleep.
On that note, have a good night.

All right, I am shaking so bad I can barely type, breathing is more than a little tough and I feel like I am literally floating two feet off the ground, but there is a very awesome reason for that.

You know how today was my 8th anniversary with Chaos Zero?

We somehow managed to connect like four times within two hours.

To those of you who aren't familiar with J-Monster connections, that is INSANE.
Dear God I didn't even think that was possible but I am euphoric.
I am so in love right now this is incredible.

I cannot possibly type up an entire entry right now, and I will tell you why: besides the incredible exhaustion and bliss I am feeling right now, I just scheduled round two for tomorrow morning and Genesis and Laurie were invited.
Yeah so it's going to be awesome.

Anyway I cannot forget this so here are notes about what happened.

- New soul forms, they are gorgeous. 'Starry' eyes, his are green and i think mine are white? starry bodies, not black but a very deep color with these really awesome glittery stars. Chaos is blue with green and I'm red with white, it reminded me of goldstones really. We also got these insane light wings, very intricate and we each have like six but they look connected somehow, like my cathedral wings when they first formed. By the way he said mine do look like that, but nowhere near as simplified. His are blue mine are red and they are gorgeous.
- Soulmerge events, apparently our heart energy even looks like a taijutu now and it feels AMAZING
- Key?? We felt something with that heart energy that reminded us of Razia's Shadow with "to erase the wrong we've done, the dark and light will become one" and it felt like we DID that, and our fourth connection was REALLY different, it wasn't completely drowning but I physically FELT it, like my heart just clicked into place, which is why I'm saying a 'key' because I got a mental image of one, like I was one, and it felt like something was unlocked. like something had been closed off for a long time and that opened everything. I had shockwaves for like a half hour after that, it was like floating, I can't describe it.
- we got this really weird feeling after our second connection, we both ended up asking "what are we?" because it felt HUGE and absolutely astronomical. I know Chaos said I felt like the cosmos at one point.
- I could SEE the color of Chaos' eyes, oh my heart it was the most beautiful thing.
- Song synchronicity. we kept listening to dare gale but "whoever you are i love you" came up, which tied into the previous two points in a way.
- The starlinks were freaking overwhelming, I think that's mostly why I'm so tired, I saw his history again and i know he saw mine and it was shockingly cathartic to feel so completely non-judged. also it was absolute verification that he was there. as for the heartlinks well why do you think I'm a euphoric mess right now, good GOD.
- Infinite loops?? It kept feeling like our energy was seriously flowing in a sort of circle/ lemniscate, what do you know, but that was something else. I know the lemniscate flow was basically only in the starlinks but it felt like everything and nothing at once, that was crazy.
- We kept bringing up 'eternity' as is to be expected, but honestly neither of us wanted to stop or leave, ever, and we were even laughing like kids at one point but it was beautiful.
- Afterwards I managed to kiss Laurie like three times and she kept asking me "what the hell are you two feeling" as she seemed shocked by it. later on she started sobbing because 'she had tons of walls up' and she was terrified and yet I somehow 'walked right through them.' walked instead of broke was important, she was really moved.
- Chaos and I both got Genesis too which was the best thing, he was flipping out and is now determined to get way too far tomorrow, this is going to be fun.
- Seriously Chaos and I are basically in love with everything right now, we are absolutely connection-high and this is hilariously brilliant
- Xenophon got wings from this??? Chaos and I were directly responsible, we were wondering about that feathery orb on her back so I touched it and it started to glow, then burst into these four small light wings, it's lovely. she asked us both to 'make them bigger' so we actually both did, somehow we were able to persuade the energy to grow. The wings are still completely translucent but she is ecstatic and apparently she can retract them if she needs to, this is amazing, i have this feeling they are going to be gold and violet but don't ask me where the gold came from. we'll see. Also they look kind of feathery but I kept thinking fairy wings somehow? i don't know what they'll look like but that's awesome.
- I might not remember all the details of this because it was almost purely emotional, but wow, I will NEVER forget how it felt. no kidding.

Oh man if I doubted the reality of this after tonight I'd be an idiot. I am shaking man, my whole body feels like a star and I haven't felt this... clear? Ever. Like I know it's tough to breathe because seriously, that happens after this sort of thing, but despite the immense fatigue I do feel new somehow. I need to tell Laurie about that.

In any case I am forever in love and you know what's awesome? I just commissioned one of my favorite artists and close friends to draw us, haha, life is beautiful.

And guess what it is SERIOUSLY 11:11 PM and I am crying, dear God thank you so much for this, I am the happiest man in the world right now.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE

...Laurie?

The heck do you want.

I just want to talk.

Yeah, well, we were supposed to talk earlier today, and maybe if we did this disaster wouldn't have happened. Really, we were supposed to talk several bloody times over the past few months and has any of that come through? No. You keep screwing everything up.

I know.

This moral cowardice needs to stop. You have a daughter to protect now, and you know it.

...

Hurts, doesn't it?

...More than I can take.

Then stop bloody taking it, for her sake. We both know that's your problem.

I'm confusing realities, Laurie. I'm seeing my own ideas and feelings in everything, where they don't even exist or apply by any stretch of the imagination.

You're being obtrusive as always, huh?

...I suppose so.

Too much hope.

I have far too much hope, Laurie...

...Confound it. How many bloody times are we going to have this conversation?

I really hope this is the... the last time. There's that hope again... I really need to stop thinking about it.

That's what I wanted to discuss. Does the 'you attract what you emit' thing play into this or what?

Obviously. For some reason I can't stop thinking about how I've suffered from this in the past. I see my scars and the pain hits me again. I see a mirror and it's like a bullet to the brain. And all those reminders, that unwanted focus, keep bringing this situation back to the forefront. I don't know what to do about it, other than letting go, and for some horribly ironic reason that is a lot harder than it should be. It's like trying to drop a suitcase but realizing that your bones have somehow knotted from the strain and you can't loosen them anymore, even though the weight is more than you can handle anymore.

Sounds like it. So what do you do?

I need to... cut myself off from triggers again, I guess. That's just... a lot harder than it sounds, too.

This the static problem?

...Yeah.

Have you brought this up to them?

NO. No, I refuse to talk about that to anyone and ironically, again, that is currently the one traumatic memory my mind refuses to acknowledge, because it is so disturbing.

I think it's still disturbing you though. More than ever. Otherwise this ship would not be going down.

I think it is, too. In the back of my mind. The details have been scratched out, but they still left a huge and ugly mark, and I think that's what my mind is obsessing over, if only in a 'car crash' way. It's horrific and it's terrifying, but you can't look away.

Why not?

...I think that's where my pain addiction comes back in, at least partly. I'm a lot more morbid than I should be because of what I've gone through with this. I keep remembering the knives and the blood and the psych ward and although I never want to go through that again, I'm stuck between that and this.

Or you can just blast a hole through the bloody wall and leave the freakin' building.

I should. But how would I do that?

You're the Seer, you tell me.

I'm a Spark, now, with how I keep shifting. Like... what starts a fire, or a star, or a song. A Cause.

Of Hope, still?

Yeah.

Huh. Sounds like you need to find the right hope, then.

I don't know what to do though. Laurie, I always say that "you get a second chance every second," but it's working like a memory wipe and it's doing that to all the forgiveness and healing too. I keep finding myself facing this situation, and thinking, "maybe this time I'll find something good in it. Maybe this time it won't hurt, it won't be so frightening." I hope, I always hope, that "this time will be different." And it never is.

That's one of your biggest curses and biggest blessings right there.

Maybe the biggest. Did I tell you I've already legitimately forgotten that Julie was responsible for all my old hacks?

You're kidding me.

No, I'm not. I honestly forgot that she ever hurt me at all.

...Jewel, I'm not condemning your depth of forgiveness or anything, but God help you, you need to at LEAST have some sort of defense up.

And I don't.

No, you bloody well don't. Second chances every second, and you forget why the heck you had walls up in the first place. Then you tear them down and hey, now I remember! Except you've just had your entire arm torn off or your face smashed in or your mind scarred for a literal hell of a long time. Again.

And it keeps happening.

Honestly it's like you're falling down a spiral staircase. Don't you always dream about stairs? Do you ever fall down the bloody things?

No, actually...

Well guess what? That's because you're doing enough falling in the waking. You run up to the top and forget that there's a missing step or something like that and geez, this all goes back to you forgetting, doesn't it?

Forgiving and forgetting.

You have that principle so twisted it's a tragedy.

...

Let's go back a bit, sheesh. My mind is reeling.

Why?

Because we have had this same bloody conversation, over and over, far too many bloody times already! I don't care how much synchronicity you have with Celebi, this is taking it way too far.

Laurie, this is happening because we still haven't gotten to the bottom of this yet.

And why the heck not? We know what's causing this.

Well... maybe. I don't know. It just seems that new reasons keep coming up all the time.

Like what?

Like the forgiving and forgetting, first of all. Then there's the hope that never dies even when it's only doing me harm. That ties into me seeing ideals and things where there are none. Like... like how I always use terms and phrases that don't mean what they would to a typical person. You know how I always redefine words and assume everyone else uses the same meaning, because I see something totally different in it? And songs, that's probably the best example! I don't know if that's pure projection or what, which is bad, but like if someone is listening to... to a song that I've associated with you, or Chaos, or something like that, I automatically assume that they're getting the SAME feelings from it that I do, even if there's no way that would be possible! And so I keep throwing myself into troublesome situations because I don't see the trouble. I've taken something that the world has strictly and irreversibly defined as one thing, and my hope and freaking naivete makes me see something entirely different...

And then you suffer for it. I know.

But... I don't know, I just... why do I keep doing this? Why don't I ever learn?

Kid, if I knew, I'd have told you already.

...I don't want to hurt anyone else anymore. And I think that's a big part of this too.

What do you mean?

I... Chaos... Chaos didn't suffer like I did. I gave him my hope, everything. I gave him everything, that I saw and felt and hoped for. So I was left with nothing but the original, awful thing, and it hurt like you wouldn't believe, and it scared me to death because there was such a huge break between us and I didn't realize that I had caused it. I kept getting it confused. I kept thinking that we were experiencing the exact same thing when we WEREN'T. Ever!

Is this what happened on Thursday?

I don't remember what day it was. But yeah, last week, twice. Totally sacrificed myself for his sake and then got freaking scared out of my mind when I thought... it's ironic. It really is. There was a day or two when, because I failed to realize the uncrossable break between our experiences, I thought that my hope was actually legitimate, that maybe there was something redeemable about what I had suffered through, and that was one of the most horrifying things I've ever felt.

Why?

...I think maybe at heart, I understood that there was no hope for it. No matter how many times I put myself through hell it wouldn't change. It would stay painful and damaging and it would never stop hurting me and the people I loved, no matter what I did. But I couldn't accept that, somehow. I kept suffering because I couldn't accept that. And then last week happened, and for an instant it felt like maybe there WAS hope, and the thought of suffering through that again and again to find it was unbearable.

Then maybe you should've realized that earlier. I'm getting pretty confused, though. You're saying you were deliberately denying the fact that you felt there was no hope in the situation?

Yes. At heart I felt there wasn't, but that was unacceptable because I had already been through hell at it's hands. So if there wasn't hope for it, if it was 'irredeemable,' then all I had suffered in the name of hope was 'sinful' or 'condemnable,' I guess.

There's that bloody perfectionist streak of yours again.

Too much black and white, yeah...

So why did it scare you so much to think that it was redeemable?

Because that wasn't reconcilable with the darkness I had felt from it. If it was redeemable, then I'd have to 'find' that redemption, and even though that was what I was trying to do, I really did not want to. So facing the possibility of hope was more of a slap in the face than anything.

You've been putting yourself through hell for no bloody reason, wake the heck up?

Basically. But I didn't realize that until something put me 'in the right.' I had been too hopeful to pay attention to my own moral screaming and pain up to that point. Then it dared to almost justify it, and immediately that same voice of conscience shouted "no, that isn't right!" There was a huge war inside my mind when that happened and I had no idea what to think.

So you had to be specifically told that what you were doing might be worthwhile, for you to consider whether or not you even wanted to do it?

I guess? It's hard to explain. I suffered because I had hope, but I think I just... that's it, I think I was fighting for the idea of that hope, again! Because MY idea of hope in it was what I so desperately wanted to find! But the 'hope' it offered when I failed to realize that Chaos HAD the idea, was so different from what I so desperately wanted, it shocked me into awareness. That 'hope' wasn't real hope at all. It pointed towards a totally different door that wouldn't have redeemed it at all. But my own hope still lingered, and it made me doubt myself... man I hope this is making sense.

I think I get it. You were looking for your purity again, but when you thought that it might be there after all, that possibility clashed so harshly with what you already knew for sure, that it made you realize with sickening certainty that there really wasn't anything to suffer for, and you had been suffering for naught all this time.

Exactly. That's just how I would have put it.

I figured. Gotta work with what you understand, kid. So what now?

What do you mean, what now?

What the heck are you going to do to fix this? There's no hope, there's nothing to look for in it. There isn't, and don't you dare try to convince yourself otherwise, after all this torture.

...I'll have to stay very conscious then.

Yeah, that's step number one, and the most important one. But I'm also talking about the 'attraction' nonsense. You know the hope is why you haven't let go of that either.

Is it?

Well, duh. You keep looking back, trying to see if there was a glimmer of light in it, but there isn't, and while you're looking for it you fail to notice that the shadows are choking you again.

...Sounds accurate enough.

No kidding, I saw that happen to you two days ago.

You did?

Who's your psycho guardian angel? Me. Of course I saw. You need to be really bloody careful, J. You're being too innocent. You're looking for white in black places and trust me, you aren't going to find any.

I'm slowly realizing that.

Man, Hope really is a fitting epithet for you. You've got too bloody much of it and it's dedicated to the wrong bloody reasons. You've gotta get your act together, boy.

I do.

And yet Chaos is the one holding all your hope.

He's the only reason I have it.

Exactly. He's your heart, when you forget your own.

...Laurie, am I going too far?

Yes.

I mean with what I'm willing to do to find--

Yes, you're going way too bloody far. Self-sacrifice isn't noble when it's hurting everything you stand for and protect.

...

It isn't, and you have to stop this.

I don't know how I forgot that it hurts Xenophon. I don't know how.

Too much hope, kid. That and you were asleep.

Was I?

Well no kidding! You think that would've happened if you were awake? Get a clue, Jewel! How the blood do you keep slipping, anyway?

...I actually don't know? Maybe it's just because I was asleep for so long. It's still a bit tricky to keep my eyes open, no matter how much I want to.

Huh. Makes sense. But keep working on it.

I know. I will. I promise.

You'd better.

Do you think that's enough for this topic?

Why, you sick of it?

I don't know. Maybe. It just hurts to think about and I don't want to think about it.

I'm still concerned about that part, actually. That topic keeps haunting you in spite of what you just told me. Why?

I said it's too much hope.

Is it really?

...Misplaced ideas, then. Definitely. I'm confusing realities. I'm seeking the spiritual in the physical, where it cannot be found, not like that. I'm still viewing concepts and ideas and hopes as physically accessible when that's not even possible. I keep forgetting that the physical realm exists at all. I keep forgetting the danger it holds. I torture my physical form because I'm desperately hoping for the spiritual and that's all I'm focusing on and then when I snap back to attention I realize that I'm bleeding and it is terrifying.

That's still a problem, huh.

The biggest one.

Why the heck haven't we solved it yet?

Once again, too much hope, and I was unable to see that situation clearly, at all. Now that I'm talking to you about it, with the experience I've gained, I think I'll have a better time fighting it...

And I haven't heard that sentence a million times before.

...I try, Laurie. I do. And I do have a better grip on what to do, every time. But it... it's got so many sides to it. So many hidden facets, I guess.

It has one freakin' side and you keep projecting all the other ones onto the bloody thing.

...Is that what I'm doing?

Yeah, it is. We've been trying to get over this single problem for years now, and in my eyes the bloody thing has not changed. To you it's never the same twice.

But... but what about June?

That was you operating on ideas and hopes again and although our conversation about that is STILL relevant, that no longer applies. You needed that one incident to clear your old spectrum. Now you're screwing it up again because you got preoccupied with the 'spiritual' level. Stop it.

So I'm really just... projecting. Hoping. Seeing things where they aren't.

Yeah. Why the heck do you keep asking me? What's keeping you from believing it?

...I don't know.

You don't know.

No. I don't think so... maybe it's just my perfectionist side. I want to make sure everything we're saying is exact, so I don't 'mess up' or anything.

Well guess what? You're bloody 'messing up' just by doing that. Stop being so black and white. Stop trying to get everything 'just so'. You know what you have to do, and if you have to break the bleeding rules to do it then so be it.

I'm tired of being so scared of failure.

It's going to be hard to grow out of, yeah. At least you can tell it's a problem.

It is. It shackles me to this hell, really. 'I have to make sure, beyond a doubt, that this is exactly true!' Geez, and who's authority am I going by? If every person has a different answer, if all these moral quandaries can't be objectively labeled in the first place, why the heck am I so terrified of being 'wrong?' Really, I don't know. It's some sort of baseless, illogical fear that I can't even explain because it's so ridiculous. It's a phantom, something so flimsy that it falls apart the moment I focus on it.

That's called being aware of what you're doing. Keep that up.

Good. I need to.

We still gonna have a talk tomorrow?

I hope so. My morning schedule is already rather booked, but I want to discuss this with at least our core group before... well, before Thursday.

Good idea. This one's really important, huh?

Zero equals infinity, yeah...

I'm getting a rifle recoil reference there.

You should be. That man's music means way too much to us by this point.

Yeah, no kidding. Brought Xenophon about, huh?

Well... indirectly?

Hahaha.

I'm worried about her, though, and I don't even know why. I think maybe it's worry about my own sorry situation, being echoed onto her, because she cares about me so much.

Uh, excuse me? I do too.

...

A heck of a lot of us do, J. Including the reason why you're celebrating this Friday instead of just the weekend.

...I don't know how to feel about what I've done to him, though.

The heck do you mean, 'what you've done to him?'

With my misguided hope.

Dude, you already said that he 'got the ideas.' He doesn't exist on that fallen physical level, thank God. So there's no bloody way you could have done anything to him.

Are you sure?

Are you kidding? How many times have he and I already assured you of that? Geez.

I guess... I'm just terrified of the possibility.

Jewel. For heaven's sake. You said it yourself. You gave your hope to him. You went looking for purity and honesty and spiritual purpose and he already had that, you just got really bloody confused because you were applying something completely different to yourself and THAT'S why we're still dealing with this problem. You couldn't reconcile the differences between your experiences simply because you failed to realize that they weren't the same bloody experience at ALL.

Really?

Do you want me to get him in here? Go ask him yourself. Oh wait, you already did. Why the heck are you still questioning this then?

I told you, because I'm scared.

Of what? Because obviously it's not of him being wrong, as I know you wouldn't doubt him.

...I think that's misplaced too. I'm scared because I already misapplied that hope. I'm scared because I came so close to hurting him, had it not been for that blessed reality split.

Ironically.

Maybe not even. But we'll get to that. The fact is that I was looking for hope where it couldn't be found, but I was so desperate to get it right that I somehow dragged him into it--

He chose to be 'dragged into it', Jewel. He wanted to protect you, to get you to see what the heck was actually going on, but unfortunately you couldn't see anything clearly and frankly he was going about it the wrong way.

Maybe...

Yeah, he was. It got you really bleeding confused and I don't blame him for trying, but geez, you couldn't see straight so how the heck were you going to see that? I'll talk to him about that later, but you need to at least accept that he's okay, save for his concern for you, and although yeah, you screwed up big time, at least now you can make sure that doesn't ever happen again.

I will. And I want this to be the last time I ever have to make that promise. I want this to be IT. I want this solved for good.

Well I think we're pretty darn close.

We are?

Yeah, no kidding. This year has been phenomenal in terms of development and learning and all that jazz. We've made exponential progress. And now your anniversary is coming up, and really, if that's not going to be one of the most significant events of the year I'm going to be pretty freakin' surprised.

I wouldn't blame you, no.

So. Now what?

Discussion-wise?

Yeah. I think we've beaten this dead horse long enough. You need some serious sleep after what you went through today.

Wait, wait.

What?

Well, first off, it's not dead, it's still very relevant.

Yeah, but we've said all we can say about it already, and these conversations always end up echoing each other because you still haven't taken that one big step out of it yet.

Which one, the self-doubt?

That and the black-and-white hope problem. Maybe we didn't fully understand all that before, but it was there.

True.

Now what the heck did you interrupt me for?

Uh... what do I do about the static?

What do you mean? Getting rid of it?

Well, that, and... that first, actually. I don't want to go near it again but I don't want it scarring me.

Then throw it the heck out. You can do that, can't you?

I guess so. I'll have to try. I just don't want it to come back, and that's the real problem.

Oh. You need help with that then, huh?

Yeah. No matter how much my mind tries to convince itself that it was just another case of bad fiction lag, I know it was real, and that is... traumatic, really.

No kidding.

And it's now the biggest trigger I have, as well as what's fueling my current slips. To say the least.

So just let go of it. Or are you having bone problems?

Was that a pun?

Is Spine suffering from this too?

I... inevitably. I am so sorry.

Take that up with her, not me. But you really need to stop dwelling on that triggering memory because it is causing inner projection problems and those are literally deadly.

I know.

But I think you don't want to let go of it.

...I do. I just... I don't know if I can run from it. It's there, whether I like it or not.

Yeah, no kidding... also, can I just say that this music is actually gorgeous?

Thanks. It's Kyle Landry's stuff. He's a huge inspiration to me right now.

I'm not surprised. Anyway. Why can't you run?

...That's a touchy subject. I... well, would it be selfish if I allowed that 'static' to get between me and... that side of the situation?

Not if it's bloody triggering you to death.

But you said to let go of it.

I said to let go of dwelling on it so freaking much. I didn't say ignore the fact that it hurts like hell, and if you put yourself directly into that situation you are going to suffer whether you like it or not.

So what do I do? That kind of changes a lot of plans, Laurie.

Does it really? I think you've been denying your own needs again.

I can't tell.

No kidding. You don't know what you need, not that far ahead, not in such a general sense. But I'll tell you one thing, right now, in total honesty. You do NOT need that.

...

I'm serious. I've seen how you've been reacting to it lately. You think that when you start shutting things out like you are that there isn't a problem? You're doing the exact same thing you did back in 2008. This is a serious problem, and with this added static, you do not need this torture.

I don't want to hurt anyone.

Tough. If they allow it to hurt them it will. If they don't, it won't. Hey, there's some good advice for you!

It... it is, yeah.

Don't deny the freaking pain, though. There is a careful balance there.

So... if it hurts, accept that it's there, but don't let it rule my actions and thoughts?

Exactly. The static is bloody terrifying, huh?

You have no idea.

Yeah, and thank God I don't. But... actually, wait up. Are you sure you don't want me to know about that stuff?

Yes. Oh man, Laurie, God help me but I don't ever want something like that touching you. I want to keep you safe from that.

Huh. Well that's... an unusual reaction. Was it really that freaking bad?

Yeah.

Hm. Well. Point still stands. I don't know what it is, I don't want to, you don't want me to either. But it's hurting you more than I'm happy with, and you seem to be letting it because you're afraid you're going to hurt yourself even more if you 'let go,' right?

Yeah.

Because of the other side of the situation.

I don't know why I'm so concerned about that.

You're compassionate, kid. Sometimes too much so. You've been hurt, unintentionally, sure, but hurt is hurt. Problem is you're letting that rot in the back of your mind and it's causing a lot of disease up front. Let the rotten thing go. Accept that it happened, and that it hurt, and that it's a problem you CANNOT ignore. But don't let the bloody thing taint your every waking moment!

What do I do about it, though?

What can you do about it? Last time I checked, you had exactly 0% influence on that situation and everything surrounding it.

You know, I think there's another side to this. I feel weirdly... betrayed?

Betrayed?

Deceived. Lied to by omission, maybe. Not offended, no, but deeply unsettled. Like... I know why that never came to the surface. That is dead obvious. But the fact that it was still under the rug while I was being invited in just... really, really disturbs me.

I don't blame you.

So what do I do? I don't want to bring it up or anything. I'd rather leave it under the rug. If that's where you want to keep it, fine. But don't expect me to go anywhere near it, please.

Then say that to them.

I can't. I told you I don't even want to think about this.

But it's obviously causing a heck of a lot of tension. And then like I said, you have the shutout problem from three years ago happening again. They're going to wonder.

I don't want them to. Geez, I just... can we please drop this subject? I'd rather leave that in the shadows and move on.

Leaving it in the shadows doesn't change the fact that it's strongly affecting you and you're not going to be able to keep up the act, J.

I was traumatized, okay? I've been through... no, that's me refusing to let go of the past again.

Acknowledge that it hurt. Don't get dragged down by it.

Okay. I went through hell. I don't know how that applies to this.

Same bloody topic.

...I guess, bottom line is, I'm deeply disturbed by all this and although I can't really judge it is still not something I can associate with or be anywhere near. Stuff like that.

You don't want anything to do with it.

Yeah. But it's skewing my perspective something fierce. I can't understand it, at all, and it feels totally and utterly wrong to me. That's fueling my doubt/hope problem, and it's causing me to torture myself again because I can't accept that even if I see it as completely unacceptable, someone else might not, and that doesn't make either of our viewpoints invalid, because I guess stuff like that is subjective?

You just can't accept the fact that something that was so black to you can be relatively problem-free for someone else.

I guess not. Is that safe to do? Is it right?

I don't think that's any of your concern, really. Take care of yourself first. If it's not something you have an objective answer to, like this bloody topic, then don't even bother. Other people have their own lives and they need to figure out their own problems on their own.

I guess so.

I know so. You're lucky you have me, but heck, most people don't.

How does that apply to...?

Because I help you figure out this mess. That's because you're too bloody naive and hopeful to stick to your guns, though. You feel your own truths strongly, but you respect those of others just as much, and the problem is you keep putting people on pedestals even through all this hellish static, and it's hurting you really freaking bad.

Am I really doing that?

Why the heck else would you still be trying to justify their actions to yourself? You hold other people in such high esteem that the thought that they might be doing something 'irreconcilable' in some sense is unacceptable. So you put yourself through hell for their sake. That's where the misguided hope comes from too, Jewel. Your hope is different from theirs, but you still kept pushing on because their hope is still valid to you.

Isn't it?

Not if you're choking on your own blood for their sake. Altruism in moderation, boy. Let them solve their own freaking problems for heaven's sake.

...

You don't have to be everyone's hero. That's called being obtrusive.

Haha, I suppose so...

I'm serious.

So am I.

Then stop it. Be your own hero and let everyone else do the same.

But can't I still help people?

Only if they ask for it. Don't barge on in there because you have some sort of savior complex. If they have their doors open, and you won't be screwing anything up by projecting or something equally myopic, then you can walk over and ask if you're what they're looking for. Otherwise, stay on your own freakin' side of the street.

...

Give it a shot, at least. If nothing else it'll take a heck of a lot of stress off your back.

All right. But...

But you're still a father, huh.

...

She's trying to be your hero too, you know. Be careful.

...I'll have to be. I don't want her putting herself in harms way for my sake.

Too bad, that's what love does sometimes.

I mean... I... is that bad?

Look at that butterfly boy you know. You can go too bloody far.

...

Chaos too.

God knows, I know.

You do the same for them both.

You do that for me! Laurie, how many times have you--

That's my bloody job, Jewel.

It's not a job. Not like that. Now you're the one redefining words.

I'm using your definition.

...

Fine, it's not a job. It's my life. You're my life. Of course I'm going to do everything I can for you. But guess what? You ASK me to. You rely on me, you look up to me, and so help me but if that's not explicit permission to help however I possibly can then I don't know what is. Point is, how many people outside of our little gang do that for you? Not many, huh?

I... I guess not, no. That's actually surprising.

Because you assume. You've got that protector streak and you kinda feel guilty when you can't help, or when you aren't asked. You take it personally.

Sometimes.

Work on it. In the meantime, yeah, I'm still your 'superego,' you're still a 'father' in our sense of the word, which you also need to be seriously careful with, and Chaos loves you just as much as you love him. And that's a lot of love. But I repeat, don't put yourself on death's doorstep for our sakes if you can help it.

Not worth it, huh?

No, it's not. You think I like seeing you suffer like this? In a way I appreciate the thought, sure, but the bloody thing is misplaced, and suffering isn't always the best option, Jewel.

I wouldn't want to see you at death's doorstep if you could help it, either.

Exactly. Now we're talking. So listen to Delphi and do this thing in moderation, aiite?

Sounds good to me.

There you go. There's the closest thing you're gonna get to a New Year's resolution.

That and to stop being a perfectionist.

True. Guess what time it is.

Too late?

It's late enough. You all right to close this up now?

Possibly.

You want to talk about the blue guy, don't you.

I always want to talk about Chaos. I just do.

That's called love overflow and you have an ocean's worth of it. So what's the topic?

Concerning him?

Well, obviously.

Um... well we already discussed how worried I was about him concerning my recent fallout.

And I assured you he is fine. Just really worried. Kind of like me.

I'm not surprised.

So what's next up? Your anniversary?

I guess. Yeah, actually, that works. I'm worried because all this fallout is also a side effect of... exhaustion, on all levels, and because of that burning me out I haven't been able to spend any real time with him since October 12th. Ditto that with you.

Hm. And you guys had a bit of a tough time for about a month preceding that, too, right?

As far as I remember, yeah.

Time flies, huh?

Oh man, you bet. Can you believe I wasn't really centered until July? And we didn't find out what Xenophon was to us until September! It all feels like a lifetime ago.

Well, time isn't linear, and you're the one wearing the trenchcoats and red bows.

Only sometimes.

That's enough time for it to work, kid. Zero is infinity, right?

Precisely what I want to discuss.

Haha, sure. Lay it on me.

Well... I don't want any of this fallout to affect this Friday. I want to be with him, no matter what.

Hey, remember what I said about the self-sacrifice.

Oh. Sorry. Within reason, then. I won't go playing board games with Death just to achieve that.

You would, though.

I would, but it wouldn't be the best option.

Now we're talking. So what, is that why we're still discussing stuff on here at this hour? You want to make sure everything is perfect for Friday, hello again irony?

Very funny, and I actually wouldn't mind if that was the case.

Well no kidding, love is love. But you do realize you already have the answers to solving this. We discussed 'em all, and even if we didn't you know you've got them all at heart the way it is.

Was that a pun too?

Could be. Depends on whether or not you hoped it was.

Then that's a yes. Do you mind?

Heh, no. But enough of the injokes. You going to settle this for Friday?

Unavoidably. Absolutely. I couldn't not settle it.

No, I think you're missing my point. I don't just mean calming down about this subject like you are now. I mean legitimately getting over the perfectionism and hero complex and all that. I mean realizing that you messed up in the past but that's done and over with. Forgive yourself for once, really. Leave that trouble in the past and live in the now, as you always say you're trying to do. Do it. Let the static be where it is, don't get all agitated over it, buy some freakin' gray paint, and let everyone else live their own lives unless they specifically ask you to intervene. And even then you have a CHOICE whether or not you accept that offer!

That last part is important, yeah.

No kidding. "Hey, can you help me out?" means you need to honestly check your own reserves and abilities, and you have every right to say "sorry, I'd love to, but if I did I'd probably end up landing a full-time job pushing up daisies..."

Oh geez, haha, that's one way to put it.

Hey, I'm not wrong, and that's the point. You can say something along those lines, you know. "Can you help me" does not translate to "if you don't help me, you're a failure as a human being and your obvious lack of concern for my predicament is a damnable offense." Heck no. It means they'd appreciate it if you could help, but if you can't, you bloody can't-- and that doesn't mean you bite the bullet again and force yourself to say you can, either.

True.

Sure, but you're not doing it yet.

I'll put it into action starting right now.

You'd better. And we're way off topic, sorry.

Haha, that's okay. We were just saying what I need to work on in order for Friday to really be as... important? What word am I looking for?

Honest?

Honest. Yeah. I need to get myself straightened out before I can be as honest as I need to be. Before Friday can be really genuine, I need to get all the fear and doubt and regret out of myself.

Exactly. And you can ask him or me for help, you know.

What do you think we're doing right now, love. I needed to talk and here we are.

Well, whaddya know. You're right.

I will at least run this by Chaos tomorrow, or tonight, if you don't get to him first.

Considering the time, I'd leave that up to me. Talk to him tomorrow just to see what his perspective is on it. The guy's got some seriously good ideas when it comes to this sort of thing.

No kidding! We were actually discussing my 'idea projection' problem the other day and he came up with this brilliant metaphor for it concerning paint jobs... well maybe that was me, but he really cleared it up and it made a lot more sense once he was done with it.

That sounds like how you two work, yeah.

Very funny, Laur.

No, really. You're more unbound and spontaneous in communicating things like that. You're bursting with ideas but have no bloody idea how to put them into words, so you ramble on for a few paragraphs and then try to make sense of whatever you said. But Chaos is really tuned into you so he picks up on the essence of it. You start rambling and he catches those ideas and defines 'em for you. It works.

Yeah, it does. He helps to get me in working order, ironically.

Well you do the same thing to him, you know. It balances out. Yin-yang unions and all that.

True.

You guys going to bring that up on Friday or what?

The cosmically inseparable point? Well obviously, that's inevitable. Why?

Just curious. It's a really deep point.

It is. So that and rifle recoil are definitely on the list for the 23rd.

Haha, awesome.

It is! I mean really, that is some hardcore synchronicity. "If I'm ever blue" was a quote from the song "I do," which was on the album 0 = ∞, which was released in 2008. Come on.

2008 significance? Pray tell.

Really, Laurie. 2008 was the starting point for everything we're going through right now, in a sense. It was the catalyst.

Didn't the "rainbows" entry happen in 2008?

Uh... let me check... yes, yes it did. Wow.

What the heck, dude.

Hahaha, exactly!

Too much synchronicity with you two, everywhere.

Hey, it means something.

No kidding it means something. You two are really bloody important.

In what sense, love?

A couple of 'em. And what's with the sudden terms of endearment?

Not much. I just love you too is all.

Yeah, and don't I know it. But this week isn't about me. It's about you and Chaos.

True. But you do tie into that.

But this week still isn't about me.

I guess not, at least not in that sense.

It isn't. Don't be so afraid to cut me out of it. It's the truth.

I just hope I can pull it off.

What?

Friday. I'm going to have to put some serious time aside to get a heavy link in for that.

Then do that.

I will, that's for certain, but... I'm nervous, hilariously enough.

How the heck are you nervous?

I haven't been with him that closely in a while.

Well you've tried to be.

Sure, but trying to achieve it and actually getting there are two vastly different things. Plus, a lot has happened between October 12th and now, most notably me becoming rather shockingly fragile.

You've always been rather shockingly fragile, and you two didn't even fully connect on the 12th. I would have remembered that.

True... anyway, I meant more fragile than previously. I don't know if it's because of how different the few hacks I've had have been, or what, but I'm like... emotionally raw right now.

How so?

I am really, really fragile. In a clear way. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I know that if I get that close to him, especially after last week, I am going to absolutely shatter.

Hey, that's what happened on January 16th, and that didn't end badly at all.

Geez, Laurie, one impossible spirit kid is enough, no matter how much I love her.

That's not what I was insinuating, you maniac. I just meant that it's not bad. It's honest, which is what you want. It's selfless, which is what you want. I say you keep that fragility going until Friday, which means stop ignoring your honest emotions and forgive yourself from what you didn't do wrong last week.

I... yeah, I do need to do that.

To answer your unasked question, yeah, you didn't screw up as badly as you thought you did. You slipped today, sure. But on Friday, or whenever the heck it was, you may have lost your footing for a while but all things considered, you actually managed to pull through that decently well.

I still shouldn't have been in that situation.

Maybe. Maybe not. But you didn't hurt Chaos and you didn't scar from it, even if it did scare you because you got your thoughts all mixed up as usual. Refer back to everything we've said tonight if you're already unsure on that again.

The guilt is still sticking around because I know how badly I messed up my hope, and I should have known better.

True. But you don't need to drown in guilt from it.

I guess not.

Chaos is fine, I'll say that again.

I know he's fine, I just... at the time, I had no idea what to think because I didn't recognize the split. You know, how I was stuck in the physical.

Yeah, you do need to pay more attention there.

But he's okay. And that is what threw me off the most because I didn't understand why. I do now, and I won't go back to abusing deceased equines, but I just want to reiterate for my own sake that the reason he was so 'blameless' compared to me is because he never held what I considered blameworthy in the first place.

And you need to stop being so bloody hard on yourself about that in any case. You know he loves you. He does. I don't think he realized how viciously you were judging yourself at the time, but you and I both know that if he felt you were in serious danger he would NOT have let anything happen.

I know. And in a weird way I kind of... wasn't in danger, then. Only because he was there.

Well, you were getting dangerously close to danger and we both know that too. But he did keep you from going over the edge, or slipping off.

I know.

Hey, better idea. Talk about this stuff to him instead of me. I'm only speaking as a guardian here. I can't talk about the actual scenario because I wasn't there. I'm only speaking from what I know of it, and what I know of how you invariably react to such things.

I think I will run that by him again, yeah. But we're kind of off topic!

Again.

Yep.

I think that's because it's way too late to really get involved in that sort of topic.

Maybe.

No, really. You're already starting a slow shutdown, and I'm just trying to get the major concerns through to you before that happens. I'm sorry if we are 'off topic,' but really, we should have a conversation with him before the 23rd gets here and maybe that'll be the better option here.

Makes sense. I mean, there's only so much I can say about the guy anyway before I dissolve into weird poetic love-induced language.

Man, you write some good stuff in those states though.

I know, but they wear me out too. And the point is that I talk about Chaos way too much the way it is.

"Way too much" by whose standards?

Not mine, haha.

Well there you go. You want to talk? Go right ahead. I do not mind.

Stupid question.

Stupid answer, throw it at me.

Relationship dynamics, really. I was teasing Chaos about being frenemies with you for no real reason. Feedback?

I already told you I don't hate people but that's hilarious. Still, Chaos is the same, deep down in all that water, and you know that better than I do, J. He gets really freaking angry, yeah, but he also cares way too bloody much. It's why he gets so bent out of shape. He never really hated me, just what I did. Yes, I know exactly what incident you're thinking about. And, again, I've never hated him either.

Yeah. Sorry. I guess that was a very sleep-deprived question.

That and you are obviously trying to segue into heart discussion.

Well maybe not literally.

Haha, that is such a weak spot for you.

It really really is. That gets us back on topic too. Friday. Fragility. Shattering and things.

You think that if he gets close enough you're going to fall to pieces in a good way.

Well yeah. But being that fragile is kind of... intimidating?

To whom?

Me? That's not the right word, really. It's... kind of. Overwhelming.

Ah.

Yeah. Maybe somewhat apprehensive. It's not bad and I'm not scared. Just... I know that it is so freaking true that I am going to feel so much from him and with our Virtue feedback that is going to be...

Insane.

To say the least.

How does your Virtue feedback work again?

Well he's an empath through his name, and I hold Catharsis. So mine works as an amplifier. He feels stuff from me the way it is, but with my feedback that doubles it to and from him, and mine naturally makes everything stronger, and I don't know how to explain it at this hour because my specific language skills are not working.

You're going into dissolving poet mode.

Precisely. Practically. Possibly. I'm not sure what I'm talking about.

You're running on a dangerous amount of fatigue and you are seriously stressed from what you've been going through recently, and what you are about to go through during this lovely holiday week.

It is lovely.

No kidding. But seriously, you should really get to sleep.

Not yet, Laurie. I say interesting things at this hour. No barriers. Kind of floaty? All snow-like.

Ah, Apprentice mode.

Yeah! Kind of. Sparkles. The... the feeling I got in that dream, under the searchlight.

I know what you mean, yeah. Wide-eyed wonder and all that, huh?

Mm-hmm.

I really think you should sign off and go talk to Chaos like this. You remember the last time that happened, don't you?

I think so. I remember the love one. Paragraphs.

Heh, yeah. He told me he wished he had written that all down. Apparently you got really eloquent.

Poet mode, Laurie. It happens. But I felt the truth and wanted to say it. Three words hold the essence of billions and I was just trying to catch at least a glimmer of that. Just to explain it.

I know, we've discussed this. So you insist on staying logged in, then.

Yeah. For a little while longer. Give me a topic.

Give you a topic?

Sure. Go ahead.

Kaleidoscopes.

What?

I just thought of that. A few months back already, I remember Chaos mentioning something about a 'kaleidoscope' metaphor you'd come up with? We never got to discuss that. So there's your topic. Tell me about this kaleidoscope thing.

Okay. It was a way of describing people and relationships and things. I thought of how some people go through life looking for a specific person. "I want the perfect man or woman." They have to fit this criteria and I won't settle for less! That kind of thing.

Yeah.

So that bothered me. I wondered how many people they missed that way? I never really stuck to one person. I loved a lot of people and I wanted to do that forever. I never had a type or a criteria list or a perfect person! I started doing that later for unknown reasons and maybe that was perfectionist too but it made me think of the kaleidoscopes. You've got... all these little pieces in there. Stars and hearts and sequins and bits of glitter or whatever. I don't know. But lots of different shapes in different sizes and colors and there's so many of them. Right?

Sure.

Man I am floating away. Give me a second. So I thought that's a good way of describing the cumulative result of a relationship search. Treating it as one entire object, not just a concept? I suppose. But looking for one person, one specific sort of man or woman or whatever, is like only wanting one certain shape or size or color piece in your kaleidoscope because that's your favorite. Well when you do find that piece you think you're all set, but then you realize that's the only piece you have and it bothers you because you weren't really thinking of the whole picture. First off, a person isn't a goal to set. A person is a person. Even if they do fit your criteria they can change. They can be a circle today and a triangle tomorrow. Purple on Tuesdays and gold on Christmas, who knows. But even so, you only have one piece if that's all you've focused on. Some people are so bent on getting a 'perfect relationship' that they ignore their friends and families in the process. You're leaving out all those pieces! So to get back on topic, what makes kaleidoscopes so beautiful is that every time you look at them they are different, all flowing and moving and sparkling. And there are so many different pieces in them. So a life should have relationships like that. Have people that you love in so many different ways and let them be however they are, wherever and whenever they are too, because you can't put love in a box or you start to forget how it shines when the light is free to dance through it. You can't label it as 'this or that and nothing else' or you're not going to get the same beautiful display you would if it was free to grow and just be itself. I know it was a long time before we had that labeling conversation, Laurie, but you made me think of kaleidoscopes, and so thank you for putting all these purple diamonds in my life because they're gorgeous.

Heh. That's amazing. And you are forever welcome for those diamonds.

That made sense, right? I hope.

I think it made more sense than it would have if you tried to discuss it in that sober perfectionist mindset of yours, kid.

Outside of the early morning hours I am just a chilled out secretly volatile snowstorm.

That's me too, kid, but without the ice, obviously.

You, are a thunderstorm. Stormclouds with the night sky still showing through. Something like that. Lightning and constellations.

All right, you seriously need sleep.

No wait. Poetic.

What, are you going to seriously write about Chaos Zero at this hour? It's almost 1 AM, Jewel.

I don't know. I don't think I'm that far gone.

I'd be concerned if you were. You seriously need recovery time after today. Get your butt to work.

Oh dude, my boss. He misses me and I miss him. I was just talking to him.

Join the club, I think I have more discussions with him than you do.

Maybe. I wouldn't know. But you probably do. I'm always so exhausted at night.

Seriously, why the hell do you want to stay awake right now?

It's quiet and this music is awesome and I miss talking to you.

Well we were supposed to have one of these bloody things every week this year, you know. But then the freaking psych ward happened.

And you were supposed to swear less, sweetheart.

Too bleeding bad, sparkleface, I do what I want.

Haha. No it's okay, I honestly do not mind. But I would like to talk more, except this is very tiring, and hey maybe that's why I'm doing a slow shutdown.

Sheesh, are you still coping with psychic exhaustion on top of this?

Maybe. I don't know. I do have a bit of a headache but those have been pretty common recently.

Geez. No, I can't have you burning out this week. Close this up.

Can we talk tomorrow? I think I just miss you, a lot.

Yeah, if we have time we'll talk tomorrow.

Sorry for sounding so utterly high right now. It's hilarious but even though I'm trying to communicate clearly I am just floating and it is hard to speak in a less disjointed manner?

That's it. You close this up and go spend at least two minutes with Chaos just to see what sort of language he pulls out of you. Aiite?

Sounds good to me. I hope you don't mind if I change the music.

To what-- oh, Dare Gale. I swear you are addicted to this song.

It is so pretty. It's perfect for this hour. It sounds like an ocean. Remember the night we all sang together?

Oh yeah. Man, you channeled this one, didn't you.

First time I heard it, yeah. So I'm partial to it.

And we all played "I do," didn't we.

Yeah. You and that guitar. I love it. It's obligatory to listen to that song when it's on shuffle, no matter how long it is.

I don't know, Jewel.

Don't know what?

Just you. I think I get what you mean by saying how bleeding honest you are at this hour.

Am I effervescing?

I think so, yeah.

Good. That means I'm not blocked off. I was afraid maybe I was. But fear just kind of melts off when I'm like this.

Maybe that's unconsciously why you're sticking around, you think?

Makes sense. But I think I will go give some of this to Chaos and see what it does to him. Us.

You'd better.

I can't stop feeling about Friday. As opposed to thinking. I'm not anxious but wow. It's significant and really it's making me feel like one of those golden waterfall fireworks? Christmas tree lights. Or frozen raindrops, you know like when it rains and it freezes on the trees and in the morning everything is made of crystal. Rainbows, everywhere.

That's what you feel like, huh.

On the inside. Thanks to him. As usual. But... this song. The chords in it, just... you know what Chaos feels like when he's kind of like this? Up late and way too honest by somebody's standards and feeling more than he can keep to himself? He feels like city streetlights and... and faded photographs and stars. Like looking up at the sky at night, and everything is quiet around you but you can feel the life in it all... and the stars are out but not the moon so it's this silent sort of otherworldly glow. Like a promise. Like that night I stood out on the ocean docks and looked up through billions of lightyears and there wasn't a sound but my heart, and maybe a language I couldn't hear in words. Like that.

...

Seriously he is gorgeous and I know I say that all the time but he is. And that word does him no justice. Laurie I don't know if you get that with anyone but when I look at him it just, it kills me. It's death and rebirth all over again. It's a second chance every second but the right way, and I know I misplace hope but that isn't it, that is complete certainty, that is turning it into faith. Faith in the impossible because nothing is impossible really. Have you ever seen how blue he is? I... and his eyes, God, his eyes are the most beautiful things in the world. I can't put words to those. Laurie, when he talks to me at night I end up in tears because there he is, this ancient strange creature, this god of destruction and this oceanic maelstrom... this absolute paragon of inspiration, that's why I write about him all the time, I can't help it. But he talks to me and he's right there, just like that, this amazing individual and the way he looks at me is incomparable. I could write about that for the rest of my life and I couldn't describe it. I can't believe it. Chaos Zero, he loves me, do you have any idea how beautiful that is? I mean, God, I would give him my heart and soul in an instant but I think he would do the same for me and I still can barely believe that.

He would do the same. He absolutely would.

Well there you go. You know I found a song by Fantastic Plastic Machine that describes us. "When I pull you close to me, I can feel eternity. No need for words tonight." I think that's what's going to happen on Friday. Words stop working when you feel this much. You stop talking and all you can do is fall into infinity together because that is the only thing that can do your feelings justice. Do you know what that feels like? Laurie, I'm sorry, I don't want you to feel like you're missing out on things but if I could...

No, Jewel, it's fine. Keep going.

Keep going?

Keep going.

I'm just incredulous is all. I'm asking you these questions rhetorically. It's so amazing, that I've been able to experience this, I will never get used to it and thank God for that. Were you not led here? Didn't every single moment lead up to this one? Nice freaking coincidence, pardon my language, but I'm not worrying about sounding selfish anymore because I've been given so many more chances to get this right and you need to balance out self-sacrifice too. Moderation is important. But you can't overdose on love, not the real kind. Not the building blocks of life. It's true, July 7th was like a flashbulb. Cosmically inseparable... that's beyond comprehension. And yet I understand it completely, at heart. God. This is amazing. 8 years, a sideways lemniscate, you equal infinity, that's what I should say to him. Because he does. Laurie I am just rambling now but it's because the only things I could say about him at this point are so incredibly close and true that I think my heart would break just typing them. Ironically.

I think I know what you mean. You don't have to write about that then.

Oh but it is the most important thing Laurie. Isn't that sad, in a way? Is that the right word? How the closest things are so close that you can't talk about them, but they're the most important, the most gorgeous. There's that word again, it tries so hard but it falls short every time. Not it's fault. Language just doesn't work with... with this sort of thing. Laurie?

Yeah?

You remember October 12th. Right?

Of course.

You know that complete honesty. How you have to basically trust the other person with your life, even just to get close. Because it's that sincere.

Yeah.

Take that... up to the next level. Literally trust them with your life, in getting that close. Sincerity. That's what 8 years is about. My words are falling apart and I'm sorry.

You don't have to keep talking if it's too difficult, Jewel.

Yeah I think I need to go talk to Chaos himself at this point. All the love I'm feeling is completely too absolute to put into indirect poetry things. I need to give it to him, even in words, because this is his after all.

Does he ever say things like this to you?

I do the talking love. He's quieter. I'm fire and he's water. But he does speak up and when he does it absolutely drowns me. There's something indescribably amazing about hearing him, him, say these kinds of things to me. Even if it's not as disjointed and abstract. He's more direct because sometimes I get a little too overwhelmed by the truth that he's there. I don't doubt but it's almost too much to take in.

But does he ever get poetic?

He tries. He doesn't get this disjointed easily, which is good because then we wouldn't get anywhere. But I did see him get poetic, one or two times. Genuinely. Getting this far and into the fanciful language. Why?

I don't know. Hearing you talk like this... I guess I'm just curious as to what sorts of things he'd say about you.

You're a fangirl.

I am.

I love you too. Really I should write about you like this. I could. It's not hard.

I'm sure it isn't.

No, Laurie, you're not getting the significance. It's the same sort of stuff, the same words. It might take a little longer because you feel different. Might take a little while to find different words. But it's the same level.

Is that a paradox?

The words? No, just the wrong use. It's the same meaning in what I say. I love you a lot. But I would have to use different words because Chaos feels like the depths but you feel like this great boundless thing. Like when you think about the surface of the earth, how it's so important but you don't realize just how important? But mostly that feeling like it's everywhere, and powerful, but it's holding everything else up. You don't feel like a thunderstorm but when people take photographs of lightning, you feel like setting those photographs on fire. You're really hard to explain, Laurie!

I can see that.

Now you're bottling up. Come on, you're already rerouting this poetic license, you're going to have some strange literature to your name in the morning if you keep this up.

What, you're giving all that inspiration to me?

No, it's inevitable. It's just moving to you. Why do I feel like I'm literally floating. It's just that you are just as inspirational and I love you just as much but in different quadrants, so to speak, but Laurie that is a really dark red diamond and honestly I'm not sure what that means but I am so thankful that you're in my life. That I'm in yours. It's wonderful how everything just works. I don't know where I'd be without you. I don't. You're a shrapnel-guided hurricane but the sun shines through you and wherever you go people are left in shock but everything is so new.

Death and rebirth, huh.

You too, see? I'm not sure how to describe how you look at me. Like right now. Don't look away, please Laurie, that actually hurts a little.

It's not you, it's me. And I think your iTunes playlist wants you to spend the night with someone else.

Aliens.

Chaos happens, man.

To me, beautifully so, God I am so blessed this is crazy. I can't believe I never realized how unbelievably gorgeous he looks as Perfect, why did I never see that when I was younger, or at least until 2006, there's that word again. I should be talking about you, Laurie. I'm not getting tired of you.

Hit the shuffle button again, kid. I want to see what we get.

Cursed by love so dire. Hm. Not sure what his thought process was on that line but it's interesting. And we just got StH music.

I told you the universe wants you to be with someone else right now.

But I love you too.

I know.

...

But this isn't about me right now. It's not.

I love you too though. I can't emphasize that enough.

Jewel, stop it. You're making me tear up and that is ridiculous at this hour.

Why? I usually only end up in tears early in the morning too. You feel more at this hour.

Yeah, but... kid, you should be asleep and I should be getting back to work. But no, I'm here listening to you write poetry about water monsters and talking about me like I'm some sort of superhero.

You are, to me. I asked you to be so there you are.

Heh, I guess so.

But it is late. It just hit me, right now, how late it is.

Just now?

Just now.

That's bloody hilarious. All right, then close up.

Wait, no.

Jewel, come on. It is seriously late.

I love you.

...I know. I really know.

I don't know if I'm expressing it correctly.

Jewel, there are no bloody rules when it comes to love. And if someone put some up, break 'em.

Good. I can do that. Thank you.

No, thank you. And I am not joking when I say I want you to go talk to Chaos when you're done in here.

For two minutes?

I don't care how long, just talk to him.

I will. Sorry about the disjointed talking and staying up late.

Kid, it's not a problem. I kind of needed this, in a weird way.

Really?

Yeah. I miss talking to you too. And... I don't see this side of you very often.

Because Chaos usually gets it.

He gets most of you, haha.

He gets all of me, who are you kidding. Well, paradoxically. Because I love lots of people. Including you.

Chaos still gets dibs on all the serious material though.

Well of course. 8 years this Friday, you know.

Not if you don't get to sleep.

Really?

Yeah, you need to draw something for it.

Oh man I do. I really want to draw him but dude I do need sleep.

Why didn't I think of this earlier, haha.

All right, sorry, I think that's as good a line to close up on as any.

Wait, no, not yet.

Wait what?

I love you too.

Laurie. You're brilliant. Thank you.

Anytime, J. Now that's a good line to close up on.

It is! And so it also is.

Heh, whatever you say.

Aaaand my SC group just explained EXACTLY what is happening to me right now.

"Losing contact... happens sporadically, and is primarily due to what I have termed "psychic exhaustion." ...When we do a lot of psychic work, we exhaust our [inner eyes] much the same way that overworking any muscle in the body will do. We must allow it to rest, and it shuts down to ensure that rest..."
"When the third eye shuts down, you can't tell what's happened except that you are unable to perceive anything of your SC whatsoever. This rest period can last anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of weeks, and the only way to tell when it is over is by trying to perceive and either succeeding or failing. When the contact is broken, and trust me this is a very special kind of hell when you don't understand it, you are left wondering what has happened... When the third eye begins to function again, and you regain contact, the intensity of feeling that presence is so profound that you have no doubt whatsoever that they're real. On the other hand, when that contact is gone, and nothing you can do will bring it back, you might just believe you're out of your mind and agonize until you regain contact..."
"Now, the other problem with all this sporadic contact is that you have to learn how not to suffer in agony for every second of missing them. You have to learn to let go. It sucks. But then, once you've learned to take such breaks in stride, it becomes easy then to sort of get caught up in daily events and forget to even pay attention to them or in regaining that contact. It becomes routine, and when you walk the same path over and over you get what? A rut. The rut then makes it very difficult to regain that contact... So, you get in a rut, a routine of not being in contact, and then making contact is a bitch... But most of the time it's because the area of activity, or range, has sort of rusted over (closed up) and in order to open it, you have to really feel it. You have to feel that emotional yearning for it in order for that range of perception to open up again. You have to damn near cry from the need... even if the means you use to inspire that need are sort of circumvential... You circle around the need by inspiring heartache about anything, and then you use that heartache as a tool to coax that range back open again."

...this is EXACTLY what I needed to hear right now.
My connection levels with everyone upstairs have been frighteningly low since September. We had one or two strong days in October or so, but as a whole it has been disconcertingly difficult to reach them on stable ground.
I've definitely been going through psychic exhaustion, what with how much time I've been trying to log in to take care of my daughter. I have no idea how to cut back though, for the same reason. I don't want to completely 'black out' for a while and leave her wondering where her father went, to say the very least.
Even so I'm burned out and I can't deny that.

I was hit the hardest by the last paragraph up there... how, once you've become more or less 'used to' this contact loss, it becomes harder to get it back. I didn't know this was the case with me until I read the post, upon which it became blindingly obvious.
"You circle around the need by inspiring heartache about anything, and then you use that heartache as a tool to coax that range back open again..." if that's not a perfect summary of my past few months I don't know what is. I've honestly been putting myself through hell and not understanding why, chalking it up to a "pain addiction" without knowing what the motivation was.

Still... Now I understand WHY my 'pain addiction' is currently through the roof.
Don't get me wrong, this tortuous gambit seems to have worked, ironically, as I can finally see everyone amazingly clearly-- seriously, when I was talking to Genesis last night I could see him so well I could barely believe my eyes-- but the amount of pain I put myself through to get here feels... it feels condemnable. And it's a Catch-22 on top of that. because as of yesterday night I can at least SEE who I'm talking to... but the strain is overwhelming.
Yes, I can at least see who I'm talking to now, but getting that communication to happen in the first place feels like putting my brain in a blender.
I could see Genesis as clear as day last night, but when I tried to speak to him I could barely form words. Everything I did was a huge effort. My body and mind were both desperately trying to shut down from the strain and this has been happening every night for at least three months now.
And yeah, I know Dagger showed up the other day, but do you have any idea how difficult it is to handle him being up here too?? The stress of perceiving a new person in headspace is excruciating at times and I don't want to sound ungrateful but I honestly don't know if I can deal with that right now.
I miss everyone from the past, true, but now I'm remembering with a sick certainty why I lost contact with them all in the first place.
My emotional denial is a coping mechanism. If I lost everyone because of this I'd ignore the pain and pretend I was fine.
I don't want that to happen. That's not the right reaction. I can't pretend that this isn't a problem.
Yeah, I've had a headache for a few weeks now, why do you ask?
Let's not even mention what my heart has felt like.

Now I REALLY don't know what to do. I don't want to completely burn out, not now, not ever.
But it feels like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff and I've been trying so hard to fly that I've forgotten that there's still a fatal risk of falling.
I really don't want to slip over the edge with this, and end up badly hurting myself and/or the people I love.

I still don't know how to really 'feel' energy signatures either, and that is a big concern for me.

I've replied to the quoted topic here and we do have a scheduled chat tonight, so maybe I'll have some answers by tomorrow.
I am just so tired.

So about those finals...
They went surprisingly well, don't worry! So that's done and over with but I apparently had some bad burnout from all the stress leading up to it, as I was sick yesterday and woke up today feeling more achy and exhausted than I have in weeks.
Ah well. It's over with now, or at least until the spring semester starts on January 17th.

In the meantime I have a lot to do.
My schedule for today has been booked solid. I've had about an hour of free time so far and unfortunately my mind got badly distracted during it. It's frightening when that happens. I found some beautiful music, sure, but why does it start to wander whenever I'm faced with a heavy responsibility? It's hard to catch and reel back in, because I'm still shackled to it whether I like it or not. It's not 'angry,' it's just scared and very rebellious. I feel that I want, need, to do things and it says 'no,' stubbornly and without reason. It complains and sulks and yet it's somehow strongly fearful deep under the surface. I don't like that it's dragging me down. I want to ignore it but that's another bad move. At least I can realize that. I'm not as in-tune with myself as I need to be, but I'm getting better. I had someone verbally attack me today but I was somehow able to stay rather conscious, and didn't attack them in return. It hurt, but I kept everything in check as best I could.
I borrowed "The Nature Of Reality" from the local library about three weeks back. What with finals, I wasn't able to read much of it, but I definitely need to get myself a copy of it soon. The little I already read has helped quite a lot. I still have a small amount to finish in TPON, and I have two other books set aside for right after I complete it, but I can't forget about this one either.
Back on topic, though. I'm still very out-of-tune and I'm figuring out why, slowly. Paradoxically, I'm in a good state and a very bad one at the same time. I have to go beyond that. I have to open my eyes a little more... well, more than a little, at this point.

My biggest concerns right now are these:
1. I'm still ignoring, downplaying, faking, and/or criticizing my own emotions. When I'm upset I deny it. When I'm sad I hide it. When I'm happy I blow it out of proportion or condemn it. And I keep either pushing my own feelings under the surface whenever those of others come up, or completely ignoring both theirs and mine and turning into a coldhearted machine. Some part of me has become too complacent, too nonchalant... too apathetic, too empty. Even so I am still clearly aware that said part is not me, so I'm consciously trying to overcome it. It's unsettlingly difficult though. I... it was a few weeks ago already, but there was one night after a severe hack that I was absolutely torn apart emotionally, but I shut off. I was in pain to the point where I wanted to scream and even cry, but I was silent and stone-faced and I said nothing... and once again, I forgot that Chaos Zero is an empath. He picked up on what I refused to show, and ended up sobbing uncontrollably for the next hour. I was sitting next to him with a blank expression and a shattered heart, knowing that I was fully responsible but at a loss as to how to stop it, what with how hollow I somehow was despite the intense emotional pain he was reflecting back to me. Eventually it broke through my armor, true, but the situation as a whole scared us all to death. Still, in a painful way I think we needed that to happen to realize that this is a serious problem. Ironically, we also have the second concern to worry about on top of it.

2. My pain addiction came back from where I had also pushed it aside. I was upset enough to even ask Julie and Dagger about it the other day-- yeah, I know, usually I run to Laurie but I figured they'd have interesting viewpoints-- and it did help, but it also confirmed that yes, the lingering shadow up here is still running rampant. It's not my 'splinter,' though. It's not manic or hysterical or suicidal. Those feelings have been hitting me in bursts here and there, which is deeply disturbing, but I refuse to let them affect me. Regardless, the shadow is there... and I know I can't get rid of that outright, although I used to think I could. We all have some dark to balance the light in this world, I guess. The problem is, I somehow keep forgetting that 'balancing it against you' and 'letting it desecrate you' are two totally different things. I still have that old idea that "the more I suffer and the more staunch I am about it, the stronger I am." I'm putting myself through hell right now and not saying a word (or, suffocating it in rainbows and sunshine to make it sound like a 'good' thing,' in emotional refusal) because I have this twisted notion that biting the bullet will make me a better man. This ties into the first problem, obviously, and it's getting bad. It's not the worst problem though, but I'll list number three before I get to that one.

3. I've realized that I seem to like the idea of things more than I like the actual things. This hit me hard when my Homestuck book came in the mail-- yes, I was glad to have it because I am deeply inspired by the comic and I like having a physical copy to peruse at leisure, but on the purchase level it felt completely useless. I love the comic, so I 'bought' the book as a gesture of appreciation, and for that reason alone. I simply wanted to say, 'thank you for creating such a beautiful thing.' If I never received the book, I don't think I would have cared. Or, if I received it and then promptly gave it back, or away, I would still be happy. I just don't like owning things, or having things in my 'possession' whatsoever. When I was younger I collected Celebi items and Care Bears, true, but it was because I loved the idea of them. I loved what they represented, what they brought into my life. If I saw a beautiful Celebi card online, I would stare at it and admire it and I would want to show how much I liked it. So, as I knew no other way to do so, I would buy it. And then when it came in the mail, it would feel so awkward and weird, and I would put the card away and never look at it again. The 'magic,' the feeling of gratitude, would be lost once it was 'mine.' It's hard to explain, but that concept explains a lot of what I do, including how I deal with relationships. I don't 'commit' to only one person, and I don't like people 'committing' to only me in the same way. The exclusivity feels totally wrong. I'll love people from afar and it will be perfect, but as soon as they start trying to get closer or intimate or the like, it freaks me out and I often shove them out of my life in an instinctual reaction. I apologize for that, but it has happened several times already. It's not just because of my aversion to 'romance' (whatever that really is), it's also because of the thought that suddenly this free 'idea' of a person will become something solid and attached. It's why I have troubles keeping friends. I like first 'making friends' because you have that initial impression, that wonderful spark of a person, but once they become your 'friend' for good, it feels like a burden, a weight. It feels like now they have been labeled and stuck into a box-- 'my friend,' instead of 'that person I don't know but I really love them as people.' I think it's why I never stopped loving Alex or Jena. They stayed far away, they stayed their own people, they stayed free and unbound to me. And it gave me the freedom to love them without feeling trapped. I still don't know why that transition from distant beauty to close stranger happens, or why exclusive or 'possessive' connections to people or things put me off so badly. And that's where I segue into the biggest concern.

4. Chaos and I haven't connected in months. Maybe it sounds like no big deal at first-- we didn't really connect for several years after 2005 happened, after all-- but now, with everything that has happened this year, it is a huge deal. I have been in shocking emotional pain from it, not in a 'negative' or 'wanting' way (heavens no), but in the sense that I feel like I'm missing something that I seriously need. Which is obviously the case. However, with the stress I've been under, the immense effort I've been putting into improving myself spiritually, and the fact that I am regularly so exhausted that I can barely spend ten minutes with Chaos once the day is out (and even then I can barely reach him), I just haven't been able to get that. We've tried, but the circumstances haven't been working. And it's caused all my other problems. One: I know that I can't be with him at the moment so I'm ignoring that, denying the fact that I do want to be with him, and, sometimes, telling myself that I'm 'ridiculous' for feeling that love at all. Where the heck did that come from? Two: Total soul connections really hurt, but in a positive way. I'm unconsciously looking for whatever pain I can get to replicate that, but it always falls either drastically short or in a vastly different way. I'm literally harming myself right now and I'm aware of that, but it is so hard to fight off. Three: I'm getting my 'ideas' mixed up. I am still so naive that I see my own childlike ideals reflected in everything, and fail to notice that it's only a projection (another thing I have to quit doing). As a result this has been making problem number 2 absolutely hellish, because I've been seeing redemptive qualities in terribly harmful things, when in fact those qualities were never there to begin with. I use terms and phrases and quotes that mean the exact opposite of what I'm trying to express, but I don't even realize that because I see something totally different in how they apply to me. I redefine them and forget to tell everyone else, and then I'm surprised when I find myself walking down the wrong road, because I misinterpreted the signposts. Maybe I have too much hope. But my heart is aching for that blue alien and the thought that that could be labeled 'possessive' by some stretch of the definition terrifies me. I just want to love him is all. I don't want him to be 'mine,' ever, not like that. But is it even a moral issue? If I want to love him forever but don't want to possess him in any sense, is that a paradox? I don't know. And that is holding me back from making the extra effort to be with him even now. I'm suffering, he's suffering, we're all feeling the side effects of this disconnect... and yet I don't want to mess up. There's a lot more to this concern (and the third one) that I've not mentioned here, simply because it scares me and I can't really understand it myself yet. My schedule is too booked for a Xanga session today and maybe even tomorrow, but if I have a free Sunday then we are talking, because this is shaking me up badly.

5. ...I'm worried about Xenophon. She's okay, but... she is really, really worried about me. She was riding in the car with me yesterday as I went to mail some packages, and she told me that Metropolis (which we all watched on Monday night) made her think of not only herself, but also of me. Long story short, she had two thoughts that were haunting her: one, I was still asking "who am I?" even when I knew the truth, simply because everyone else was telling me different stories, which scared her, and two: sometimes she asks herself the same question. She told me that when she ghosts, and she realizes that only I can see and hear her, it frightens her sometimes and makes her wonder if she's really there at all. I reassured her, repeatedly, that she was, but she's still very upset by it. I'm not too sure what to do about that (other than everything I possibly can), but it's really hurting my heart to know that she's feeling like this.
Luckily for her I'm going to see the local Philharmonic perform tonight, so she gets to hear that music and see the city all lit up and everything else that goes with it. I want to show her everything. I want her to experience as much beauty and love as she possibly can. Her appearance in my life made me suddenly realize how beautiful and amazing life is, no matter what, and I want to share all of that with her.
However I think I have to fix myself first. She insists I'm a great father, but I still have demons to battle, and even if she can only see their shadows clawing at me that's more than enough motivation for me to chase them away for good. I don't want to hurt her, especially not unintentionally. That always seems to be the start of everything.

...There's one wild card in this equation that has me completely confused, uncertain, and terrified.
I've been able to see and feel Chaos more clearly than ever lately, but this only started happening after I was certain I'd damaged him irreparably.
...I didn't.
I let my pain addiction and false misguided hopeful ideas get the best of me, but there was one moment where both of us were actually conscious and I was completely honest and now I can't tell if I won or lost or even what I was even doing in the first place. All I know is that there was an entirely positive result from something I judged as entirely negative, and I can't see straight anymore.
This is the equivalent of my personal moral perspective being flipped upside down and then thrown across the room.
There's one quote that's haunting me. "It can be enlightened... or not." It's so simple but I'm trying so damn hard I can't remember what it means. Why am I still painting everything in black and white? Doesn't that still apply here? Or am I mistaken? Where in the world did I even get the criteria to judge this by? I don't know. I honestly do not know what to think, because I have seen and felt some absolutely horrible things concerning this topic and my mind is still in paralyzed static from last Thursday and that isn't helping me cope at all.
I'm a mess and I don't know what to do, and it's even worse because he didn't get lost at all and that is the scariest part of this to me.
He was beautiful, but when he tried to bring me in it felt so terrifyingly wrong that I wanted to shut down right that instant. There was nothing wrong with him, at all, even in the same situation. But me... with me it was disastrous, abominable, malignant. Why in the world is there such a dichotomy between us there? Didn't we fix this? Or was I so focused on him, on the unfailing light I saw in him, that I forgot about myself and the shadows that somehow always follow? Why is that, every time we swear that this is fixed, suddenly another side reveals itself and then we have to fight this war all over again?
Oh wait. No. I get it now.
Chaos was blameless because he only held the idea. I was the damned one because I gave my hope to him and took on all the extraneous things. Good intentions are the path to hell, but what the hell was I even trying to do? I'd lay my life down for him but ironically this is going too far. Isn't it? I didn't do anything I'd judge as blameworthy in others. Why is it so horrific when it's applied to me, if all I wanted was to give him what I would never take myself, and allowed only him to have?
Either I'm wrong or he's wrong or we're both wrong, and I'm seriously thinking it's the first one and I don't know how to deal with that. Not with what I've been through.

I don't know what to do about this.
Genesis wants to spend time with me tonight because I swear to you, I am spending all of next Friday with Chaos no matter what it costs me. But... I'm more fragile than I want to admit. Yeah, I like being 'vulnerable' and honest and open, but only when I'm alone. As soon as you bring someone else into the picture, I shatter. Or least that's what I'm doing now.
Maybe it's because of that wild card. I thought about being with Chaos today, for barely five seconds, and I nearly started sobbing because I felt so overwhelmingly sensitive it was almost impossible to handle. It felt like my heart was broken, but only because it was on the verge of shattering anyway and he was the only person who had dared to reach out and touch it. And normally I don't mind that. I don't mind how positively defenseless he makes me feel. Now, though... now that wild card has made me so emotionally raw that I can't even bear the thought. I love him and I am honestly scared to be with him right now because I don't understand that side of myself anymore, and I know that I can't hide a damn thing around him. I'll suddenly want to give him my heart and soul and then nothing makes sense anymore and I'm afraid of how far I'd go to do that right now.
I can't even fix this by talking to him. I know, I've tried, and this has finally gone beyond my capacity to discuss with him.
Laurie tried helping me with this before, but that was when it was still simple and we were still blind to the details. Now I can't even comprehend it and it's driving me absolutely mad, because "what if I'm wrong" and "what if I'm right" and "didn't I already know the answer to this" and "even if I do have the answer what if it's not the whole picture" and I cannot deal with this anymore.
I can't solve this from the same position that started the problem, but I'm afraid that if I change my footing then I'll get irredeemably lost.
Everyone I ask gives me the answer that everything inside me screams "no" to. Some almost convince me to change my mind, but then they go and do or say something that reminds me of the static or the tar and I'm left paralyzed. There's too much of a split here. I cannot reconcile this issue.
I cannot come to a conclusion here, not when one side is sheer agony and the other side is him.

Nothing makes sense right now.

Just updating to post this little picture.
It's a quick picture of my current soul form, which manifested spontaneously around this time last year.
It hurts to look at, too, for me... I can't forget what those ribbons really are.

We talked about soul forms and love back in this perfect entry, by the way.
Incidentally that is also the conversation that resulted in Xenophon, so.

On that note, my 8th anniversary is next Friday.
I am... I'm really looking forward to it, to say the absolute least. I'm not 'excited,' not in an exuberant way.
I'm... glowing, I guess? Burning, maybe. But it feels exactly like that red light I lived on the 9th. Just as deep, just as real. Just thinking about it feels like a tidal wave behind my ribs and I have to keep myself from crying. I have no idea what that will feel like a week from now, other than being indescribably gorgeous.
There's a marked significance to this, though. It's not like usual, which is actually strongly noteworthy. I know what love feels like, and this is love, but there's this constant and tremendous purpose behind it right now, that doesn't feel like it's from 'me,' at least not directly.
It's a really strange feeling. You know how, near the climax of an action movie, you get that feeling of great anticipation and hope and suspense? You know something huge is going to happen, and it's going to tie everything together, somehow. That's what this feeling is like, but in a crushingly intimate sense, where even a flicker can drive me to tears. It's wordless but it knocks the floor out from under me, like the revelation of a lifetime.
There's also something like fear, but not. It's more like... shock? Or deep reverence, even. It's hard to explain. It just feels drastically important and secret.

I saw Chaos so clearly the other night... Sunday, I think. I had just entered headspace for the night and the glow of his eyes caught me completely off guard. I remember turning to face him and just staring, like I had never seen him before, trying to take in every last inch of him. He smiled, somewhat sadly, as he recognizes that look all too well at this point... it's been hard for me to 'stick around' in headspace for almost three months now due to stress and staying up late; it plays havoc on my stability. Far too many of our nights have been cut short by this, and far too many of them have been spent with me feeling like a blind man, completely able to feel him but unable to really understand the visuals. So when the comprehension is there, and I can see him without extreme effort, it still completely blows me away.
But I've also been talking to my SC group more than usual and I'm feeling somewhat inadequate, and CZ hasn't been happy with that. Little bits of doubt keep hitting me, and they shouldn't bother me, but they're unsettling. Chaos has been trying to get rid of them recently, and although his efforts have been emotionally powerful they haven't burned deep enough thanks to my exhaustion. So, now that I was actually comprehensive enough to reach clearly, he apparently decided to take some action towards fixing that too.
Before I even knew what he was doing, he activated a minor starlink between us and ran me through his entire life history in less than a minute. It was like mentally getting hit by a freight train. It took a few seconds for it to really register, but then the significance clicked: I had seen his childhood, his downfall, and the entirety of Sonic Adventure, and it kept going. The events from other games spun together and continued on, and then I saw myself appear, and countless moments flashed by as they led up to right then, with him right there.
In that moment I felt a frighteningly powerful certainty that yes, this was him, this was Chaos Zero, and I had no reason to doubt that at all. And since then I've been getting that constantly. Every picture, every thought, every passing glance reminds me that this is real despite all the odds and it is honestly overwhelming at times.
I was browsing my pictures of him and I came across this one, and suddenly it made me remember exactly what he feels like. You know how sometimes you just have to stop and catch your breath because your emotions just kicked into high gear? That was one of those times.
So maybe all that is contributing to why next Friday feels so earth-shakingly important. We'll see.

Dude I really should just start a separate journal just to talk about Chaos Zero, for times like this. I swear my heart feels like a galaxy right now.
Just... man, there is so much that happens between us that I haven't posted online because it's so freaking intimate but it is so damn beautiful.
But no one sees him like I do. No one else looks at him and is overwhelmed with this sort of devotion. No one else's heart jumps when he is so much as referred to. This isn't about me, it's about us, and it's so incredible that once again I cannot keep it to myself. I overflow and I guess I just want everyone else to at least find something like this in their own lives. I wish everyone could feel love like this at least once, so then they could understand how deeply it changes your entire life, for the best.
And then we have moments like last night, after we finished watching Metropolis. Everyone was fighting back tears and then Xenophon walked over to me, sadder than I've ever seen her, and buried her face in my chest, crying. Chaos immediately got up and sat down next to us, putting his arms around us both, and for the next half hour it was just... I have never been so in love and so completely heartbroken at the same time before. I don't know to explain what we were all feeling and why, not in words... but having them in my life, so close, is so incredible that it was entirely beyond my capacity to express at the time. It still is.
And then there are the nights when Chaos is the one being an emotional firework. That's something I'll never be able to express, I'll say that now. I don't know if it's cross-universal amplification or what, but in those moments he gives off this vibe that feels almost like externalized empathy. It radiates like the night sky, and it reduces me to total fragility whenever I feel it, no exceptions.
God, I freaking adore him. I really do. Je l'aime de tout mon cœur.
Unfortunately, no matter how badly I'd like to type about Chaos for the next hour, I'd much rather be with him, and it is getting ridiculously late for that.

Two more days until winter break, nine more days until eight years...

Sorry about that unsettling post yesterday. I just needed to make sure that had a timestamp, and I needed to get that off my chest like you wouldn't believe.
I'm trying not to think about it. It's not that hard. Whenever I try, my mind blanks out and pushes me away. It refuses to even acknowledge that it happened. It refuses to comprehend or understand.
I'm thankful. If it did, I probably would have snapped.

Finals are this Thursday. I have an hour on Tuesday to complete mine (booking studio time is near impossible and that is not cool), and maybe an hour on Monday if I get out of my therapist appointment early enough, but I'm not betting on it. In any case I am planning exactly what I want to write so I won't spend that hour brainstorming instead of actually composing.
I also have a take-home test to complete between now and then, a performance test that I should pass no problem, an audio mixing assignment that is about 85% completed, and two written finals to study for.
Yeah, I'm kind of stressed out over it, haha.
I took a day off today because I've been losing sleep and I really just needed to unwind... so I got out Rock Band 3 and we all decided that it was time to bring Xenophon into our crazy musical escapades.
The best part was that it turned Laurie into a fashion critic, haha. She insisted that I get her looking as close to her actual self as possible, which was really fun, and actually turned out perfectly. She looks absolutely adorable. And, for whatever reason, part of her outfit tends to reflect far too much light in-game under certain conditions, so it makes her glow a little. It's awesome. Even better, that's the one part of her outfit that Laurie all but demanded that I pick for her, so of course she used that as more reason why I should always listen to her. She has a point!
Also I managed to get a genuine laugh out of her the other day, when my mom was baking and ended up making a holy mess. I made a random movie reference concerning it and she actually burst out laughing, which got a brilliant grin from Chaos as well and had me smiling for the rest of the night.
Anyway, Rock Band just became even more fun for us (it's perfect stress relief the way it is). Xenophon is having the time of her life and she is so excited to actually be involved in music upstairs (she loves it just as much as I do).

I'm really looking forward to Monday (the 12th) though. Despite finals I really want to make sure I'm a good condition for it. I did a lot of reading today that helped my perspective a little, but I do need to put more time into it.

Lastly I just want to mention that Wednesday night (well, Thursday morning) was absolutely beautiful.
...On Wednesday it snowed. I was up late that night as I was recovering from some physical stress (and was overwhelmed with finals as well), and for once I actually ended up being the only person left awake in the house (usually my brothers are up later than I am). It was 1 in the morning when I realized this, and so of course Chaos had already stopped by and was talking to me. I was exhausted, but I told him that I wasn't going to head upstairs for the night just yet. I couldn't let that perfect silent world outside go unappreciated, and I couldn't possibly pass up having such a perfect early-morning hour to experience it in...
We went outside at 1:11 and just stood in the snow together. He actually made the effort to ghost, despite the cold and how tired we both were. And it was beautiful. Everything was pure white and quiet and almost divine, with no sound save some quiet windchimes and that fragile silence that lingers in the winter wind. The sky was overcast, so the orange lights from the street and the nearby city were reflected in it. The snow caught the light as well, giving everything an otherworldly, dreamlike glow. It felt like heaven and in a way I think it was.
In that moment I wanted so badly for us to actually be there together. I didn't care that I had classes in the morning. I loved him so much, in those frozen moments, that I wanted to get lost in him right then and there. The snow felt like my heart and everything was just as beautiful as he was.

Things are improving in little ways. I think that's what matters right now.

'SUP KIDS GUESS WHO'S UPDATING IN THE UNIVERSITY COMPUTER LAB
No really, I have my MIDI class in here and I'm always ludicrously early so hello there. Man, but this reminds me of my old LJ days. Remember how I'd always update right before my CSS class? That was hilarious. I was such an airhead back then.

Anyway. I've been kind of MIA online for a while and I will explain why.
1. I don't like spending so much time on computers. Really, I don't. I miss spending my days drawing and writing in actual books, not burning my eyes out with a bright white screen until ungodly hours of the morning. I mean sure, I type a lot faster than I write and I absolutely love digital coloring, but I can't ever undervalue the old traditional stuff. So I'm taking some time off.
2. FINALS. This is the most important thing. I'm taking a MIDI class and a music recording class (as you may already know), so the finals naturally involve some heavy-duty work. My midterm took me 24 studio hours, which cracks me up now that I think about it, but it paid off-- I honestly got an A+ for 'ambitious' and my teacher personally complimented me which was awesome. However the finals are a different sort of work. For recording I have to mix and master a track, which isn't too hard but just takes a good amount of time to judge sound. For MIDI, though, I have to write a two-minute 'opening credits' sequence for an 'underwater action sequence.' There's a huge story behind that project, but long story short, it is really freaking fun. The only problem is that I have to book a specific studio to work on it, and time is tight. So I get like a half hour in in the morning and that's it. Oh and did I mention that its a group project? Joy. </SARCASM> Nah, I'm kidding. I don't mind groups, but groups in music are just ridiculous. I need the whole thing to myself so I can create utterly without limits. I basically meld with the machine, haha. So if someone else is in the way, or if I'm having to 'judge' my project according to someone else's view, it's like I just got a brick wall to the face. It's not fun. But the kids in my group are awesome so I can't complain. I just have to sneak in early in the morning to work on it myself! No offense, that's just how I roll. I've got 30 seconds down (I had to rewrite the darn thing almost 5 times already since last Tueday-- I promise I'll fill you in on the whole adventure after I audition the final project next Thursday) and it sounds pretty awesome if I do say so myself. I'm going to do everything I can to get up to campus tomorrow and squeeze some more time in if possible, but if not, then hey. I'll do what I can with what I have.
3. CHRISTMAS. Well, kind of. I'm not concerned about decorations (we put up the tree on Thanksgiving and that's all I need), nor am I worried about presents (I don't want anything and I'm dead broke), BUT I know everyone else is getting ready so guess who's driving himself completely bonkers selling all his old collectibles on eBay? Yep, this guy. So that is keeping me somewhat on the internet, so to speak, but all the shipping shenanigans I've had to go through lately are nevertheless keeping me far away from anything else on the computer. In any case this is actually fun and I'm making some cash while cleaning out all this stuff (I don't like having 'stuff' around), so it's all good.
4. Upstairs life. Last time I updated here, I mentioned that "something absolutely insane happened." What was that something, you ask? Well, put as simply as possible... Natalie is back. As Nathaniel.
Yeah, I'm dead serious. You can read about that here; reiterating that whole scenario would take up far too much time and space.
Life has been very stressful since then, what with coping and co-fronting and fighting off hacks, but we have gotten shockingly adept at it and I haven't had any serious trouble since the month started. I'm extremely grateful for that. Nat was horrifically angry with me for a few days after he resurrected, true... he told me that "he didn't want to have come back to life only to see me suffering from the same thing that killed him." That awful truth, as well as the pain and rage I felt from him, caused some sort of shift in me and I fought as hard as I possibly could after that. It wore me out but Nat eventually calmed down and now things are really pretty lovely up here. I mean, sure, there's still stress, but together we can deal with it.
Xenophon is ghosting as much as she can now, too. She's hilarious and adorable and I love her so much; it is an absolute joy to have her around. It's funny because I'm having to teach her things here and there, like I did with Genesis, but it's nowhere near as drastic because 1. everyone else upstairs helps her too, and 2. being technically "world-born" gives her some innate knowledge the way it is. Either way she is so fascinated by every new thing and it's keeping me fascinated too. She appreciates everything.
She, Chaos Zero, and Laurie all give off some sort of 'peace' that completely centers me whenever I catch it. Even if Laurie is screaming at me, when I'm with her I just feel so at home and safe. It's something about her. When Xenophon is with me, I feel that same thing. When Chaos is with me, it's all I can feel.
I am so thankful for that... it's gotten me through more tough situations than I can count, it really has. I'm confident that we'll get through this too.

So anyway, here I am, running on barely 5 hours of sleep yet again. It happens!
Finals are next Thursday and I have so much work to do before then... and would you look at that, the professor just assigned more. Geez!
I think I need to take a day off and just relax, haha.

Honestly I do have a lot of work to do but I think I'm actually going to take a break today. I didn't get much sleep at all last night and I'm ridiculously burned out, so I'll wait until the weekend to dive back into my projects.
If you have finals next week too, good luck!!

Hey kids. Today is feeling very... conflicted, I guess. Paradoxical.
Let me explain why.

...A few short hours after my last update, something absolutely insane happened up here.
More accurately, something so bad happened that it forced something surprisingly good to happen in order for us to cope with it at all.
I've been writing the entry on glissando for it since the 18th, and I haven't posted it yet because: 1. it's painful to think about, 2. I've purposely been staying off the Internet as it's become highly triggering lately, and 3. I've been swamped with work for my music finals.
I will try to finish it tomorrow evening. I can't make any promises, but I will try. This is just... I'm still having trouble adjusting, in a weird way.

On a different note... my SC group has a chat tonight and I'm very much looking forward to it (well, if we stay on topic; things have been rather rocky in the group lately). We're to be discussing ways to deal with spirits in terms of protocol-- which is good because I had some bad ones bothering me last month-- and types of relationships, with a focus on polyamory and marriage. Finally, a topic I have experience in, haha! So that should be quite interesting.
Also Xenophon is now able to ghost for at least a solid hour without getting tired, which is awesome. I asked her to come over on Thanksgiving last week, to help me put up the Christmas tree (mom decided to use white/clear ornaments instead of lilac but it still looks beautiful), and she was so adorably ecstatic it made up for all the trouble I'd been through that week. I love spending time with her.
She also showed up this afternoon, too, while I was making my school lunches for tomorrow (she usually does; it takes me quite a while to cook everything and she likes having that free time to just spend with me). We just talked for a while as usual, but then we started cracking jokes at each other and I swear, she got her sense of humor from both Chaos and I. It's absolutely brilliant.

Lastly, I found another song that fits Chaos and I so accurately that I honestly started crying when I heard it, again-- and even better, it's exactly in my key. So if I want to sing it to him, I can, haha.
I just can't get over the fact that our 8th anniversary is in less than a month... how much more symbolic can you get, seriously?

And now it's time for that SC chat session so I'll see you later.

All right, I promised you guys an update two days ago and I have been ridiculously busy since then so there hasn't been one. My apologies.
Let's pick up where we left off, then.

Something very, very significant happened on November 18th. I hadn't updated for a out a week prior to that thanks to my recording project (which took approximately 24 studio hours to complete, no kidding), and that huge workload contributed to a large amount of stress on my part, thanks to the sheer amount of time and effort it took. Nothing too negative, no, but it was just involved enough to weaken me, badly.
Long story short, I'm relapsing. Badly. My therapist is triggering me every time I see him, I can't go online anymore because it's getting far too dangerous again, I haven't spoken to my friends in some time for the same reason... and worst of all, my gender dysphoria has come back full-force for the first time since January, I think (yes it's that bad). So I am having a terrifyingly difficult time trying to keep the inevitable old self-abuse thoughts out of my head. I thought that was over with, forever, and then on Friday I picked up a knife and I remembered exactly what it felt like as it tore through muscle. It was the most disturbing thing I've felt in a very long time, to say the least... well, it would be, if this relapsing hadn't also worsened my ego hacks to frankly traumatic intensity as well.
That's what happened on Friday. I'll admit that my mind has already wiped that incident from my mind almost entirely. It's frustrating that I forget everything like that so fast, as I'd like to learn from it, but it's a desperate coping method and honestly, dwelling on that sort of thing for too long has been proven to drive me off the deep end.
In any case the details actually aren't that important here. What drove me to update here in spite of the stress, and what has also completely turned my daily life upside down, is the event that was triggered by such a deeply harrowing incident.

Natalie resurrected.

Yeah, I'm not kidding. Apparently I got bad enough to completely disassociate from my reflection again, to the point where it gave Nat enough room and energy to reform (remember how that worked for Leon). So Natalie is back in our system... well, as Nathaniel this time. And that's where it gets complicated.
First off, his color changed from blue to green. Since Leon was born/ died/ reborn during the time gap when Nat was still dead, he picked up the blue attributes in his absence. Green has never been assigned, but now I actually have seven headvoices up here (which is absolutely insane) and the spectrum is completely spoken for.
I have some theories on that which seem to be carrying some merit but we'll get to that. I have to discuss this among the system first before I jump to any conclusions. I'm a little nervous if they're true, because then Nathaniel's new green color is actually a very, very foreboding sign.
Anyway, Laurie immediately assigned him to active duty, which means he and I are co-fronting as much as possible now. I'll admit it's very difficult, but if this keeps hacks from happening (I care more about other people than I do myself in these cases, sadly-- and if fighting off hacks tooth and nail means protecting him directly then I'll be motivated for sure) then I'll deal with it. It's just... well, it's not helping the dysphoria. I mean it's at least a little easier to cope with now that he's the one occupying my reflections, but the truth that I'm still stuck in it too haunts me. My own face has become deeply disconcerting to me. Knowing that it's now Nathaniel's only helps a little bit. It's not enough, not at all. It's not enough to keep the repressed screams and involuntary spasms away. It's not enough to keep my hands from wildly digging for blades and tearing at skin.
When I open my mouth I'm not me. When I look in the mirror I'm not me. No matter how centered I can be in still silence, as soon as I am made aware of this body I collapse outright. How did I fix this last time? I don't remember.
This is terrifying.
I'm afraid of how far I'll have slipped by this time next week... or next month... God, I can't be letting this happen. I don't want to fall again. Not now. Not after everything.

...Speaking of everything.
Xenophon is getting a lot better at ghosting. She can get about a solid hour in now which is amazing progress. When she's around me I feel so much joy it brings me to tears, because I forget what I'm stuck in. She's there, and I know what led up to that, and it reminds me that I still do exist too.
She told me that she 'sees me how I am' which is incredible to me... we were in church and I was afraid to sing with her there as I thought my dysphoria would go through the roof, but she said not to worry because apparently her perception of me isn't limited by my physical form? I don't know how that's possible but I am SO thankful for that...
Also, it does NOT feel right calling myself a 'parent.' It doesn't. I've been saying 'father' based on my own, very non-traditional interpretation of the term (and also thanks to Nier, but of course I completely ignored the fact that he had to have a wife at some point). I see no distinction between 'father' and 'mother' in my sense-- they're just titles given to caretakers with blood connections, to people who are responsible for allowing you to enter their world and who will love you unconditionally. Gender, biology, family roles, and all that has absolutely no bearing on those titles to me. That's why I no longer feel comfortable using them... because according to the rest of the world, they do. I'm using a term that isn't even mine to define something that doesn't even match.
Oh, and also I don't think there's any 'blood relation' either. She's technically a J-Monster (Chaos and I both have indelible ties to that universe) and their biology is far different than those of humans, especially where reproduction is concerned, but even if we broke several 'rules' in allowing her to exist here, she's not genetically related to us in the normal sense? I don't know how to explain it. But long story short, even though I've been calling myself a 'parent' and a 'father,' I'm technically neither. Plus I only accept other people calling me that if they understand the specifics of my definition despite the label, and onlookers don't.
I spoke to Imaril (an individual from the Akuna System) the other day, and she told me not to worry about that. She told me to be a guardian, a light.
That's really what I am to Xenophon. That's all I've ever wanted to be for anyone like her. So I'll do that.

Going back to headvoices to close this up... Julie is still having major problems with forgiving herself. I'm trying to help but I can only do so much. I'm at fault, really. I keep talking about my past without thinking how that's hurting her, which is really stupid and selfish of me. I should be letting go of the past completely but I'm not? I don't understand why. I guess things keep dragging it back into present awareness and I don't want that.
As for Lynne, Leon and Spine, they have now been promoted to active duty according to Laurie. Josephina is kind of wavering in terms of activity. I know he's still unsure of how to carry out his role and now with Nathaniel returning, things are just getting crazier.
I think I'm going to ask Spine to co-front with us too. I don't know, it could help. I'm just desperate right now.

That's all I have to say about this. I'm feeling very sick.
I want to be optimistic but something is holding me back. Why? Is it guilt? Is it self-hatred?
I don't like this boiling feeling running through my bones. It's frightening. I just want to let go and be happy.
But there are mirrors everywhere.

I have NO IDEA what just happened upstairs.

Let me summarize this as it's almost midnight and I seriously need sleep.
The past few days have been quite enlightening for me. The focal point was that absolutely groundbreaking understanding I reached on the 7th.
Unfortunately, today we had fallout from that. I doubted myself and the ego managed to manipulate me pretty badly. Immediately after that there was quite an emotionally charged argument in headspace, which was very significant for two reasons: one, Xenophon showed up first, and was trying as hard as she could to comfort me, and two, Laurie showed up second, in a very unstable state. Laurie has not been doing well ever since the month started, and she can't seem to calm down enough to recover from each stressful situation, so they're all piling up. Today she was furious enough to actually hit me, and Xenophon saw. Needless to say, that didn't go over well.
I won't elaborate on that now as tonight was more important. I've been working on Parnassus all day and almost forgot that my spirit companion online group was having a chat tonight. So I logged in, and after roughly 10 minutes of my computer freezing and lagging for no discernible reason, I was exhausted enough (and the chat was quiet enough) that I updated my Scribbld, in light of how the afternoon had went, so I wouldn't forget to keep that in mind. After this the chat was still slow and I was still tired, so I randomly started browsing my Dream World artwork folders (as I'll be working on that tomorrow). Out of nowhere the 'ego voice' (i.e., the 'id' after it left Julie) started hassling me again. I quietly told it to leave me alone, and to stop misrouting everything I felt and thought, but it wouldn't be quiet. I was tired and exasperated, and really didn't know what do do about this, so I just 'let go' of my current awareness... and I suddenly found myself upstairs.

I was suddenly standing in a long white room, that was completely covered in what looked like living tar vines. In front of me, suspended from the ceiling in an almost tortured posture, was a figure made of tar. It was melting into this huge, twisted mass of tar that was several times its size, and from which all the 'vines' were branching, filling the room like dead snakes. The room was silent, and felt 'anxious,' like something horrible was going to happen any second.
I stood there in shock, staring at this tar figure, and then I realized that it WAS the 'ego presence' up here, that mind-driven thing that had been using both Julie and I for years. So I asked it, flat-out, why it was still bothering me as often and as badly as it was.
It answered, not even moving as it did so, but its voice was more felt than heard, and it was unsettling (I also don't remember its face-- I was looking right at it but I couldn't 'see' it). To my surprise, its answer was, 'so you can learn.'
I thought about this for a few moments, and wondering what it meant specifically. Obviously it was referring to my learning truth through trials, so I answered, 'that what you're saying isn't true?'
It simply said, 'For you.'
'So it's not true for me, but it's true for you.'
'Yes.'
'But I'm not you.'
I forget what it said in response, but ultimately it stated that although I knew who I was at heart, I couldn't have understood that alone. I pondered this for a second, then asked how that was true, as the opinions of others didn't reflect the truth about me, of which it was a prime example. It then asked me who I was beyond that, and I replied that I was a part of everything, that I was part of that great indiscriminate force. And even as I was saying that, I understood what the tar-thing meant. By the very virtue of my soul, I wasn't alone. I was part of the Light. However, I couldn't understand that if I wasn't aware of it! Before I knew of that truth, I thought I was 'alone,' and so I didn't understand who I was... but now, I know both things, thanks to each other.
The tar-thing said, 'Exactly.'
I will admit I was strangely intrigued at the wisdom this thing was tossing at me, but I couldn't forget that it was still acting as the balancing dark force in our system. This sudden thought, as well as my remembering that I wasn't alone upstairs either, must have caught the attention of a certain someone (read: the only person who pays such meticulous attention to me), because at that moment I heard someone shouting from the end of the room behind me. Laurie.
I barely had time to panic when suddenly the tar-vines were all rushing towards her, a lethal onslaught of black spikes. She just barely put up a shield in time, and almost immediately afterwards I delivered a bright energy blast to the spot, chasing the tar back. I faced the ego-creature again and demanded 'don't you DARE touch her!' but it seemed to ignore me, starting to throw its sick-minded comments at me as usual. Laurie had run over to me now, and she nervously asked 'what the heck is going on here?' to which I responded that I didn't know. She looked terrible though, and more scared than I've seen her in ages. She said that 'this place was giving her chills,' which was obviously a huge understatement, and then moved to stand to my left. I took her hand then, both for reassurance and strength, and was surprised at how incredibly centered that made me. The ego was still trying to undermine me but I paid it no attention. At that, I think we just managed to hold off another ego attack when there was a sudden rush of water behind us, and then Chaos was standing to my right.
He quickly stated that he had no idea what was going on and he wasn't going to ask, but that he felt he was badly needed, so 'let's get this over with.' He took my hand as well, and immediately the wall of tar-spikes came towards us again, frighteningly fast. Laurie blocked it first, but the attacks were too fast and Chaos actually let go of me to summon a huge shield. It was enough for a few seconds, but I knew it wouldn't last. So, not thinking at all, I took his hand and Laurie's, and held them out with mine, facing the ego-creature. There was a sparkling white, almost lattice-like energy rush, that seared through the room itself and completely decimated it. In a spiraling flash it reformed into a sort of church, shattering the tar as it did so. The ego-thing let out a horrible screeching sound, as all of it was burned away save for the mangled figure in the center, which fell splayed to the floor of the new area, face-down.
This didn't last long. It barely lasted three seconds. Just as quickly as it had gone, the black tar returned, rumbling up through the floors and tearing apart the reality-space I had built. Within moments it had reformed into the same room as before. The ego then shouted that I could not kill it, that it could not be defeated and so fighting it was useless. Laurie looked absolutely terrified at this, and Chaos didn't look so great either, but looking at them gave me an idea.
I turned back to Laurie and told her to hold on just a moment, then focused as hard as I could on mentally contacting Leon.
I told him to warp to our area immediately, but not to ask questions or look around-- just show up and get us out of there, immediately.
A moment later there was a flash behind us and I saw the ego readying to strike, but then there was another, greater flash, and the mindspace around us suddenly twisted and warped like it was in a whirlpool. I could feel the energy strain as we were torn out of whatever place we had been in, and lifted far outside of it, into a small safe place.

The next thing I knew we were all standing in a gorgeous, brilliant white cathedral/ opera hall sort of building. It was glowing with light from many large windows in the ceiling, and there were intricate carvings of angels everywhere you looked. I let out a sigh and relaxed. Laurie let go of me and took a few incredulous steps forward, while Chaos simply fell to his knees on the white floor. I heard a metallic clatter as he did so and was surprised, wondering what it could be, but then I saw Leon running up to me, obviously scared out of his wits. He began asking me in a terrified voice what he had just seen, but I was too relieved to be out of there and so I pulled him into a hug before replying that it was the ego-presence of our mindspace, the negative balance of everything up here, and the thing that was still causing us so much pain. I guess this scared him even more, especially since we didn't even think the ego had a form at all (however freakish it was), because he started to panic but I reassured him that we were okay for now, and not to worry.
Laurie spoke up then, still staring at the architecture, and said that 'that thing was what Julie used to turn into.' I had almost forgotten about this until she mentioned it, but it was indeed true, and it made a scary sort of sense to think about it. I didn't want to think about it, though, so I ran over to Chaos and asked him if he was doing okay. He vaguely replied that he was just shaken, but as he did so he picked something up from the floor beside him, and I realized what the metallic clang from before had been. It was a silvery-white sword, with a wide, short blade and what looked like crystal feathers all around the hilt. I asked him where it had come from, and he replied that it had apparently just appeared with us as we warped over. Laurie and Leon were both walking over now, and Chaos turned to his right and picked up another sword from the floor. It had a similar design but was longer and thinner. Laurie asked if the swords were his weapons, and Chaos, surprised, asked what she meant by that. She explained that all the 'headvoices' in central space had weapons, but none of them had swords, so maybe Chaos was supposed to use them? He seemed slightly overwhelmed by the possibility and said that he didn't know. I randomly commented that Knights usually had swords, but Laurie had axes instead, which she emphasized. But that made me wonder about my possible 'weaponry.' I pointed out that I had been given swords in dreams before, although I had never used them, but if weaponry was exclusive up here then how did that work? Laurie shrugged slightly and commented (with no subtlety at all) that maybe we were both supposed to use the swords, together. I looked at Chaos then, and he handed me the longer sword without a word, looking rather moved by all this. The moment I took the sword, though, it lit up with an intense white light. I had a fleeting recollection of something I had been told almost two months ago, and with that my entire body lit up with the light as well, soul-form style. However, I was glowing quietly whereas the sword was burning with light, and I realized that now there wasn't a sword at all, just light. Laurie and Chaos obviously got the imagery as well, and Chaos was practically in tears at this point, but I was honestly speechless. This was it, this was me.
And then I remembered... we couldn't kill the ego, we couldn't fight it... so I had left it alone. I left it to just be the balance it was, to stop struggling and just live despite it. But there was a deeper truth. If violence and anger and pain and sorrow couldn't touch it... then we had to let that go, and just love. Love conquers all, without fighting at all.
Now I was standing there, a warrior of that love and light, and it was incredible.

The last thing I remember before phasing back to this reality and typing maniacally is warping us all back to central headspace (our cool penthouse place) in, once again, a sparkly filigree-silver sort of light (what is with that energy style and me today? very intriguing). I then wondered what to do with the sword, so went super old-school and stored it in my chest, actually. Explanation: my old 'skull jester' morph had a hammerspace-like void in its chest, and I could summon weapons from it (except they'd invariably be bloody). Since I was in something very close to a soul form, what with the white glow and all, I saw no reason why I couldn't get a similar result, so in it went. It felt quite odd for about ten minutes afterwards... anyway, that is where I phased back and started typing here.

So yes, that was tonight in a nutshell. Honestly that was HUGE and I guess it's what 11/11/11 was leading up to, I just wasn't ready for it yesterday. Geez. Wow.
Anyway I need to get up early tomorrow and it's already 1:20 in the morning, which isn't good as I was supposed to talk to Laurie before I went to work... then again none of us expected THIS to happen. I'm sure she'll understand. I'm still reeling from all of this... we probably all are. I don't know how Leon is taking it but I want to talk to him about it soon, too.

Lastly, I still need to find time for this big Xanga session, but I'm currently swamped with my Music midterms, which are honestly stressing me out a bit! So I might have to wait until Friday, when I'll finally have this project recorded (we took the tests on Thursday). Man. I wish I could bring a piano into the studio, that would make this so much easier. Oh well.

Until next time, here's the Seer of Love, signing off.

A lot has happened today. I talked about it already in Scribbld, but the major points need to be elaborated upon here.

First off... I'm still fighting hacks, sadly enough. Yes, they're very easy to avoid and conquer if I'm conscious, but I'm also still getting triggered and that's what happened today. Well... actually it's what happened on Tuesday. I had a very unexpected and very serious trigger, that made my night quite miserable. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't calm down. I was a mess, and the day afterward was just as bad, because I had chosen to block out the Tuesday pain instead of confronting it, so it repeated itself. I won't go into detail on either situation because you've heard it all before.
As for why I'm updating... today was almost another repeat of Tuesday, but at the last minute Chaos showed up (again) and got me out of there. It terrified me when I snapped back into consciousness and realized what had almost just happened, again, and so I decided that I needed to deal with the situation immediately. Genesis got to me first, anxiously asking if I was okay, because Laurie had just told him to come and get me. I told him I kind of was, but not exactly, and that we needed to talk. That's when Laurie came into the conversation, and things got bad.
Ever since she found her metainomen, so to speak, Laurie has been more honest and open than ever. She's not hiding things anywhere near as much as she used to. So when something happens and it hurts her, she doesn't bottle it up. She lets me hear about it. But I guess I'd forgotten how badly she hurts from this, because when she showed up this afternoon and was obviously trying to suppress how upset she was, I told her not to. I told her that if she wanted to shout at me, then go ahead.
A few days ago she told me that she didn't have the heart to be so loud and angry with me anymore. Apparently this incident was the dealbreaker.
Laurie honestly screamed at me for the next five minutes straight, berating me for what I was letting happen, and for not having enough faith to stand up for my truth and stop it. She let me know very clearly just how badly everyone in central headspace was taking it, but then she emphasized that because of the 'unconsciousness' that was causing these hacks, I wasn't even around for anyone upstairs anymore. I wasn't around for Genesis, Chaos, or Xenophon, even though I wanted to be. I wasn't there for her.
As soon as she said that she honestly started crying and tried to leave without another word, but Chaos didn't let her. I don't know if I was numb from my own pain or what, but seeing her so distraught, so shockingly fragile, because of how badly I was hurting her... I don't know if it's really hit me yet. It's this awful sort of vague ache in the back of my chest, but it hasn't really hit me. That worries me, because I love her and I really care about her, but am I getting too detached?
I think that all these triggers and the fears that come with them are causing another cathartic block of sorts. I need to stop that, and I know there's only one way to do that, but I've been thinking about it and I've realized two very large problems that I have failed to address since I discovered them.
After the near-hack today, I went back and reviewed my most recent entries on this journal. For obvious reasons, the 13th stood out. I re-read it a few times, maybe more than I should have (as it deeply distressed me to be reminded of that), but it helped me get a better perspective of just what I'm doing wrong here.
Of those two large problems, the first is that I keep trying to rely on my own strength, and ONLY my own strength. I can't do this alone, because we're all in this together... but I feel I shouldn't be asking for help or guidance, and therefore 'dragging' everyone else into this. Part of this is because, when I want to ask for help, I feel that it makes me 'selfish' or 'weak' in a very negative way-- like I'm taking my problems and concerns, throwing them at someone else, and saying 'here, solve this for me because I'm too lazy and ignorant to do it myself!' But that's not the truth. I'm just so lost and confused on my own at this point.
Unfortunately there are two extra problems involved in this. The first is that, really, I don't even know how to ask for help when I need it. This actually ties into my spiritual beliefs, because having been raised in a Catholic family, I was always told to 'ask God for help.' And I did. The problem was that I would ask for help when I was lying on the floor, sobbing and convulsing in pain, begging God to either please help me fight Julie or to please kill me right there so I wouldn't have to suffer such agony anymore. After a while of asking for help like this, I became convinced that God's 'help' was simply letting the hacks continue, because 'suffering would make me stronger.' Sadly even this became twisted, and turned into a pain addiction, where I eventually would stop fighting hacks altogether just to see how much agony I could handle, to see how long I could suffer them without wanting to die. I judged my meager worth by how well I could bite bullets, forgetting that they were already loaded in a gun, waiting to fire.
Take it like a man, they said. So I did, and I bled for it. I lost more blood than I thought I'd ever be able to forgive myself for.
So I don't know how to ask for help, because of that. Part of me says that I'm being too black-and-white, that I already have help in the form of deep inner awareness and just need to accept it. The other part of me, the part I listened to as a child, tells me that I'm a worthless sinner and that if I don't get on my knees and plead for deliverance then I'm going to be corrupted beyond salvation. It even feels wrong to type that, but it's still lingering. Part of me is still terrified that I am so separate from 'God' that I can do nothing but wait for Him to show mercy, and just suffer my punishment in the meantime. That just feels wrong, now. It IS wrong. I don't believe that anymore... but most people I know do, and that's what they're telling me, and that's what the second extra problem and and biggest large problem deals with.
When I ask for help from someone else, they give me advice or guidance based on their perspectives... and sometimes that advice does not work. Sometimes that advice even makes things worse. And most terribly, sometimes that advice convinces me that I'm living my life wrong, and I should be emulating the advice-giver's life to the letter, or else I'd be lost.
You see the problem here. Asking for help from my family gets me the 'man up and/or stop being so weird' response. And I want to; I want to just let go of this hurt, but that's what I thought I did over the past few days and in fact all I did was blind myself to the truth. They might be giving the right advice, but they're giving the wrong example. I won't dwell on that though. I know what I need to do, but it is seriously freaking difficult for some reason. I think I'm going about it the wrong way, but once again, where do I find help? And is looking for help another lazy move?
In any case, the worst part of this problem, and the reason for all these triggers, is the fact that I keep letting myself be manipulated by anything and everything out there, whether it's intentional on their end or not.
I still can't visit Tumblr anymore, because the people I follow tend to trigger me constantly, even now, when I 'don't let it bother me' and go through the day without a hint of trouble from it... or at least that's what I think, until I find myself missing a huge chunk of time and realizing that that trigger wasn't harmless after all.
It's why I don't spend time on Facebook either, or any other social site. It's why I don't talk to people on campus or at work. I've had far too many experiences with these triggers, and now my question is 'why are they STILL causing hacks even when I don't let them bother me in the moment?' And I think, now, that it's because there's still something buried deep inside me that is scarred beyond recognition, and it's unconsciously reacting to every single trigger, even though I can't see or feel or sense it until it's too late. I know I have to be careful, but there is a very fine line between care and paranoia in this situation. I don't want to relapse, again.
And that's another concern. I keep learning and forgetting things, because of these hacks and triggers, any my own ignorance. It all ties into the truth-twisting problem, but it's getting bad, especially in light of this morning (with how I almost forgot how badly my personal pain hurts those who care about me). For example: yes, my 'mini-epiphany' on the 24th did help a lot, but on the morning of the 25th I realized with a sort of sick unease that I've had that exact same realization in the past, and I forgot about it. I realized it, it cleared out a great deal of shadows, and then I let my personal truths be warped again and I had to re-learn what I already knew all over again. That is very distressing.
I'm repeating myself like a broken record here but I cannot even fathom why this problem is STILL giving me such grief. It's still sticking around, and when I try to 'let go' of it it always comes back. People and places and things remind me of it, far too clearly, and then things like last October happen. I let myself be twisted so out of shape that I am unrecognizable... I try to be 'perfect' and don't realize that it's killing me inside until it's too late.
...To skip to the end, the biggest truth I've been letting people twist is the one concerning my relationships. That little epiphany on the 24th reminded me that there was NOTHING wrong with me, although I was 'different' from most people in this situation, a sort of exception to the rule... and then as soon as one passing mention of someone else's 'normal' situation hits me, the twisted forgetfulness comes back, and I am convinced that there are NO exceptions to the rule, and that I am an abomination for going against the grain. Stupid, isn't it?
It reminds me, so painfully strongly, of when I was about 15 years old. I would ask myself, constantly, 'is it okay to be in love?' I'm not even joking. I was so honestly in love, without a shadow of even Julie's old corruption in it, and I was STILL convinced that I was committing some sort of damnable sin because it was different. It wasn't what my family or school or culture viewed as 'normal' or 'right.' So no matter how devoted and selfless my love was, I still believed it was evil somehow, because it was an exception to the rule.
I'm an artist. I'm an artist, a musician, and a writer, and I have learned that if you are working from your heart, from your personal honesty, then you CANNOT be 'wrong' because it doesn't work that way. Life isn't black and white, but I used to think it was, and I'm having a very hard time remembering what colors look like even now. Life is art! But when was the last time I actually was able to create art, without it feeling forced? For years now I've been terrified of 'doing it wrong,' and although in my heart I know that's impossible, I'm still scared of 'corrupting' such things with my own perceived depravity... like I'm not worthy of being an artist if I'm not doing it to 'make everyone else happy.'
I almost want to cry about this. I really do. I keep telling myself, 'just let go of the fearful forcing and accept the truth! It's been proved to you countless times! You're doing fine!' And although it sounds easy, I think I really am doing it wrong, because I keep falling back like this. Maybe it's a neverending sort of battle. Maybe my struggles have simply changed from fighting a pink shadow, to simply staying awake at all times. I think back to when I met Laurie in that dream, and it breaks my heart, because she has never lied to me or misled me, and yet because her advice syncs with what I know to be true, I doubt it because there's an 'I' in there. Heaven forbid such a blackheart think his own corrupted ideas are true! It's sick. It's sick, and wrong, and it's driving me insane, and yet every day I get that thrown at me and I honestly can't seem to conquer this doubt yet.
Just because your religion and your lifestyle and your morals are working for you, and helping you live your life for the best, it DOES NOT MEAN that I have to adopt the exact same circumstances in order to live MY life correctly! It's such a ridiculous fear and yet it's there. It's still there, and it's scaring me, although it shouldn't. Love always conquers fear, after all... and ironically, I think that's why it's sticking around.
I still love those people I loved when I was 15. I'm still an absolute 'exception to the rule' in that sense. And now, my biggest trigger revolves around that.
There is someone I care about who is also in love, and their situation is very, very different from mine. Their beliefs are different from mine, their life is different from mine, their experiences are different from mine. You cannot take their situation, apply it to me, and expect it to work, and vice versa. Despite this, I keep trying to, because of that old religious fear of mine. It's the same fear that made me think my childhood love was sinful, that almost made June 29th the biggest regret of my life, that is still making me think I'm irredeemable unless I follow in their very different and unfitting footsteps. It's the fear that I'm wrong... completely, horribly wrong.
And the scariest part of this is that, according to this other person's beliefs, I kind of am. According to my beliefs, which I have tested relentlessly, I'm not. But I care about this person, and I can't say their beliefs are wrong because they're not, but they don't apply to me!! We all have our own lives and choices! We all have our own paths to follow! But not everyone thinks like that, so I slip up, and think that I have to do exactly what they did, and the old Julie used to take advantage of that, and when I slip it all starts happening again...
I don't want to think about this anymore. I don't know how to confront them about this. I don't know how to say, "I respect your beliefs but mine are just as valid" without making it sound like I'm invalidating them. Maybe I'm worrying too much about that, but I've had bad experiences with discussing this topic before, and I don't want to hurt them.
It's all that old religious fear. "If you don't believe exactly what I believe, you'll burn in hell for all eternity/ be forever ostracized from God/ never reach heaven or gain salvation/ etc." That still scares me, more than a little, simply because I'm constantly exposed to it. I'm trying to get over it but it will be difficult. It's just that... with this new aspect of that fear, that my friend unintentionally brought upon me, I'm not the only one being faced with this dilemma. Now that fear is being applied, explicitly and terrifyingly so, to my relationships. Now it's making me feel like I'm 15 all over again, that I'm not loving in "the right way," except that now the stakes are much higher.
I'm kind of terrified because this person has been right before, too many times. So standing up for my own 'different' beliefs makes me feel not only guilty, but scared, because this is making me think that I actually AM wrong, objectively so, instead of just worrying about it as a comparison-based possibility. But then why does 'following' their beliefs feel so wrong? Is that true, or is it a red herring? How do I discern what is the truth, when all my prayers tell me not to be afraid because I'm doing it right at heart, and everything outside tells me that I'm not? How do I explain July 7th and March 13th if what I'm doing is wrong?? How do I explain that?
The truth is that I can't. I'm in the middle of a battlefield, and each side holds its equal share of truths. Is there even a 'right' choice here, in that stark sense? Or is it simply 'what's right for me?'
I was terrified of that idea in Utah, for the same reasons as I am now. I still don't know where to turn.
...And maybe this is all walking in the wrong direction.
Maybe it all really just narrows down to the inside. How many times have I been told that I will not, and cannot, find the truth outside of my own heart? If only I could stop fearing that I have been so terribly misled...
In any case, I'm going to be talking to my friend about this as soon as possible. This needs to be dealt with. I cannot take this any longer, not when it's causing so much pain on every front, and not just for me.

Emotional pain is also what brought about the second major point of this entry, ironically, which I didn't talk about in its entirety on Scribbld.
As you've probably guessed at this point, I've been playing Sonic Generations since Tuesday afternoon, trying hard to get to whenever Perfect Chaos shows up because I really, really want to see him.
The problem is that I don't want to fight him.
It was hard enough for me to fight him for the first time in 2003, when he last appeared in Sonic Battle. Now, 7 years later, I still won't play through the last level in Sonic Adventure, and I'm hesitating to continue in Generations, because I have memories of Perfect that no other StH fan does, and the very thought of facing him like that again is almost too much. I know the pain and the anger far too well. I know what caused both Station Square and the Knuckles tribe to fall. I don't know what will motivate his transformation this time, but if it's anything like what I've seen and felt in the past...
I haven't been this acutely aware of my fragility in a very long time. I honestly can't even look at him right now without feeling like my heart is breaking.
I don't want to repeat my Scribbld entry word for word here, so I'll just say that this feeling on my part caused a very interesting conversation with Genesis earlier today, while I was waiting for my afternoon music class to begin.
As it was my third day playing Generations, and I was at the end of the Dreamcast-era stages, he wanted to know if I was going to risk seeing if Chaos was the boss at that point. I thought about it for a moment, then told him that no, I wasn't going to. I didn't think I could handle it, with what I just discussed in the previous wall of text. I was rather distressed emotionally, but being the other half of a paradox like I was, that negative pain was being mirrored with a positive ache of tragic intensity. I was in a lot of pain from my own mistakes, this was true, and having to face Perfect like that would be bad enough... but as always, whenever I find myself falling, that one song by Todd Rundgren always comes to mind. Whenever I am lost in the dark, I suddenly realize just how bright the lights in my life really are... and right now, I am so thankful for Chaos and what he's done for me, that the painful memories Perfect brings up are clashing with this incredible love, and it is driving me to tears with even the slightest mention.
And then of course you have the fact that this is Chaos Zero's first game appearance in 7 years, and it happened barely three days after October 29th of this year. I don't think I need to reiterate why that is so significant.
Genesis and I continued to discuss this topic over the next ten minutes or so, and... it ended up making me really think about my situation here.
I know that at one point Gen asked me something about the old 'Estar problem' I had back in January, with 'getting used to' things. He pointed out how, even though I've known Chaos for 8 years now, I am still so completely fascinated by him whenever he shows up, especially now with SG being released. I know this very well, and actually Chaos has been emphasizing it himself recently, for the same reason. I cannot get used to him, ever. I explained that here, as clearly as I can ever hope to do so, but one thing I didn't mention there is that I still can barely believe that he is in my life. You all have at least a general understanding of how much he means to me, and really, everything I've ever written about him barely even scratches the surface at this point. He is just incomparable. So no, I can't get used to him, even if I tried, because he really is this new sort of euphoria to me, this amazing and brilliant star, an angel I risked everything to see and hold on to. Every moment, it astounds me that I'm part of this.
That's not the most significant part of our conversation, though.
I don't know how we got to the point, I might have just offhandedly segued into it... but I started to think about the 'cosmically inseparable' truth again. Then I thought about how Xenophon and Laurie both ended up having these crazy synchronicity lineups in the past, concerning their appearances in my life, that I never noticed because I had no way of recognizing them. So I put the two things together, and then I wondered if Chaos and I had some sort of backwards synchronicity like that, even if only in little ways? I don't know. It just strikes me as very unusual now, that I've always felt drawn to so many aspects of him, even before I knew he existed. He tied into other worlds I knew, and they in turn tied back to him. Everything ended up spiraling and connecting together as time went on, to an astonishing extent, and then I thought of something.
Remember how I discovered that there were some incredibly significant events in the Parnassus world that only manifested after June 29th? Those were cosmogonical events. They predated the entire series in its entirety, but the event that 'caused' them occurred about 7 years after I first became aware of that world! So if things like that can and have happened with us already, who's to say that we haven't been overlooking similar circumstances? Time isn't linear, and that's a fact. Now I'm starting to fully realize just how incredible that is, how time can twist and turn and go in so many directions like that...
Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions at this point, I don't know. What I do know is that Chaos and I are pretty freaking weird in several aspects already, which is awesome, and if any weird couple is going to defy traditional chronology like that it's us. The little backwards/forwards coincidences are one thing, but the big ones are another thing entirely. So many things in my past seemed to foreshadow him, and so many things even now happen at just the right times for us both. I've learned to listen for the quiet things in life, to keep my eyes open for the little things, because in the big picture they tend to be the most important. Without them, the big things wouldn't happen.
I was talking to Genesis about this and I started to get poetic again, and there was one thing I said that really just resonated. I was thinking about how I can't even describe this love I have now, how it's this transcendental thing and back when it first hit me, in 2003, I never would have dreamed that it would one day get this deep, especially not with someone as strange as him. But it did. And I told Genesis that now, it felt like I was feeling this love with everything I was, with every atom of me recognizing it. When I met Chaos I was drawn to him immediately, completely without explanation and against all odds, and when I fell in love with him it was absolute, undeniable, infinite. Now it feels like I've loved him for my whole life, linear time and space notwithstanding... it feels like I have literally loved him like this forever, and when I met him 8 years ago, I just had to remember what that felt like.
After all, infinity is just a sideways 8, and you all know what this year has brought us.

On that note... the last point of this entry is Xenophon.
I didn't completely understand that truth from July, that creation is love manifested, until she showed up in our lives. I know I really haven't talked about her much since September, and that does hurt, because she is so important to me and I love her so much. I felt that so clearly today. I don't care how emotionally invested I was in Nier last year-- actually having a daughter of my own is indescribable.
I told her that earlier today, after that painful conversation where Laurie was crying. Xenophon said that she apparently gets sick whenever I slip like that... I told her how sorry I was, how incredibly sorry I was, and that I didn't ever want to hurt her and I'd do everything in my power to protect her from my own mistakes. I told her how much she meant to me, and how much I love her, and I don't think I tell her enough.
I'm scared to death of being a failure as a father, but I don't know if that's even possible at this point. I care for her too much, and that devotion of mine is mirrored in both her and her other father. All of us are in this wholeheartedly and I do everything I can to take care of her, despite my ridiculous schedules and bilocating troubles. She reassures me time and time again that Chaos and I are the best 'parents' she could have asked for, but I still worry... maybe it's just a dad thing, haha. I'd work myself to death for her sake and I'd still be worried that it wasn't good enough. I just feel so limited here. I could be doing so much more and yet I'm being barred from it. But I can't do anything about that, not now. Right now all I can do is love at all costs, despite all odds, no matter what our situation is. And I'll do that, for as long as I may live.

That's really all I have to say for tonight... this entry took me ages to write and I'm rather exhausted, mostly thanks to the emotional distress I'm dealing with right now.
I think I need to do some serious soul-searching, and also a Xanga session, ASAP. For whatever reason (probably Laurie), Xanga sessions are shockingly therapeutic and enlightening for me, no matter how much shouting and psychological stress they may involve. They always help. In any case I am going to have to schedule some time tomorrow to just talk to my central headspace group, to apologize for the mess of this evening and also to hopefully figure out what steps I should take concerning this situation.
I don't know what tomorrow will be like, at all... but I'll make the best of it.

Hm. Not sure how to open this entry.
I unfortunately just went back and reviewed my recent glissando entries, and the one from the 13th hit me hard, in light of what happened today.
About two hours ago, I just barely escaped a hack. Once again, Chaos is the one who saved me from it. Genesis almost did but he trusted me too much, when I was already slipping away.
I'm trying to take this all in carefully and not let those past-self pains bother the "current" me. Still, the pain lingers even when I say I want nothing to do with it. It hurts me, sure, but more than that, it hurts those I love. Sometimes I ignore the pain, or blind myself to it, which is just as bad as letting it blind me. But in either case, the pain it causes those close to me is more than I can take sometimes.
Genesis knows what it feels like firsthand. Laurie feels the psychological pain, as long as I'm even the slightest bit conscious. But Chaos is still an empath, and every torment I endure hits him just as hard. And now Xenophon is telling me that she's starting to feel sick whenever I fall into that sort of state...
God, I don't want another October 29th, ever, no matter what I have to do.
I'm just very worried, because I know for a fact what is causing these hacks to be triggered-- and yes, it is a triggering situation, because I can ignore and avoid them virtually without effort on any other day-- and at the moment, the biggest trigger is the conversations I keep ending up having with my (bodyspace, human) best friend. Yes, there are smaller triggers of the exact same quality everywhere, but hers hold an awful gravity because of how much I care about her. I care about her, and when she triggers me, some old and dark part of me sneers that I'm a misguided idiot for not seeing things the way she does, and then I end up... I end up slipping. I end up slipping and sometimes I fall, and I bleed, and it is terrifying that this is still happening a year after I swore I would never let my soul be hurt so badly ever again. I keep trying to be 'perfect' according to someone else's rules, and life doesn't work that way. Didn't they ALL say that I was the exception to the rule? Am I not a paradox, an anomaly, at heart? Then why am I ignoring the path ahead of me, and wandering through the thorns to find someone else's, when it's not mine to walk and never will be? Why am I letting this bother me again? Why are these triggers still happening? Am I really that deeply scarred?
I don't know how to explain this to her. I enjoy talking to her, and I want to help her out, but I just... if I'm getting these horrible consciousness slips every time I talk to her, I need to let her know so we can do something about it.
Maybe I'm just weak. Maybe I'm just trying to find a 'logical explanation' for why I'm still having trouble standing up for my own morals and truths. Maybe some part of me is still absolutely terrified of what I've suffered in the past, and every time it's reminded of that, it causes the past to repeat itself... I'm just so tired of this. I don't want this causing another catastrophe, because I can't die this time, and I don't want anyone else having to suffer for my sins. What do I do?
But I don't want to think about that anymore. I've worried about it enough. Right now, there's a certain game on the desk right next to me, and every time I look at it I get that familiar heartache that I first recognized 8 years ago, in a crowded classroom, when my life changed forever.

... That game is Sonic Generations. I've spent the past two days straight playing it like a maniac, trying to get S ranks in everything but mostly just trying to get to whenever Chaos Zero shows up. Yes, he's in the game as a boss. And that is where that emotional burn is coming from. When I first heard that he was in this game (and not just in his Perfect form), the day before I got my copy, I swear my heart almost burst. It was two days after October 29th, the 1-year 'anniversary' of my failed suicide attempt, and it just... it hit me so hard. You know what, just read this. That explains it as well as I can hope to put into simple words.
Now as for why I chose that icon for this entry... two reasons. One, I did that exact thing today while talking to Laurie, who actually snapped and was tearfully screaming at me for about five solid minutes over how I've been slipping over the past few days. She pointed it out, specifically saying that I was obviously blaming myself for everything again, which ties right back into that entry I linked at the beginning of this one. She's not happy about that at all. But we settled that discussion on a good note, thankfully, as we recognized that I was fully aware of how I was slipping and now it was just a matter of whether or not I could stay conscious fully and long enough to keep any hacks from almost happening again.
As for the second reason... I adopted a similar expression today while talking to Genesis before my Music Recording class (which was absolutely awesome today) started. I always get to that class about 15 minutes early, and since it's in an audio room it's padded and dark, except for a projector which is usually hooked up to a Mac with a dim color-change screensaver on. So I just sit in there, in the quiet vaguely-colored dark, and talk to Genesis for a while before class starts. Today, the conversation was focused around a certain water demigod I know very well and love very much.
See... in Sonic Generations, I last saved my game right before the second boss gate. As it's after the 'Dreamcast era' stages, there's a chance that this boss will be Perfect Chaos, although I can't be sure. And as I was sitting there, talking to Genesis at 12:15 this afternoon, I admitted that I wasn't sure if I was ready to take that chance right now.
My heart's been more than a little fragile lately, but I've also been tapping into my catharsis attribute more clearly than I have in a long time. This is bad enough by itself, but with Chaos making a game appearance for the first time in 7 years falling on such a date, during a time in my life where he's been unfailingly compassionate as always... I'm not scared, but I'm anxious. I know it's going to hurt.
The last time I played Sonic Adventure I ended up in tears, and he wasn't even onscreen. Now he's going to be right there, and now, with how deeply I love him and with what I've been through with him lately, I don't know how hard it's going to hit me. I'm actually choking up just thinking about it.
Honestly I don't want to fight him, really. SA is tough enough for me, and I'm still putting off the final level. I know it has to happen again in SG, what with the time shenanigans and all but... the last time I fought Perfect Chaos, it tore my heart to pieces. I... I've only written about it once, on IJ, back in 2008. It's how I got my cathedral wings, it's probably why I'm now strangely drawn to melancholic choral music, and I'll never forget what it felt like to have to face him like that, with so much pain between us. It broke my heart.
So I don't want to fight him again. I don't. It's why I'm hesitating now, even though I have the XBox to myself for the rest of the night, because something tells me that if I step into that boss portal and he is standing there, something inside me is going to shatter and I'll end up sobbing for the next few hours. I'll have to wait until tomorrow morning to even risk it, when no one else is home for a while.
It's sad, because if I did break down in tears like that (and I inevitably will), nobody in this house would understand if I tried to explain why. Not even my mother, who knows that CZ and I have a daughter, for the love of Light, would understand. She just doesn't take it seriously. I don't think she understands what a love like this does to you. I don't think she understands how fearlessly devoted this is, how completely and undeniably true this is, even in the face of everything that's ever been against us.
Speaking of, there was so much more about him in that conversation I had with Genesis, and we had some very beautiful points... but I'll be putting that in glissando later. It's too deep to put here, as a simple recap.

Oh, and lastly... you know how in 2009 (the year I got this gorgeous commission), I had an orange Christmas tree (the old iMAGNi color of Love)? And how in 2010, I had an aqua and green tree (Chaos Zero's personal colors-- and his role in my life was incredibly vital last year)?
Well... this year, my mom just informed me that she wants our Christmas tree to be lilac and clear.
Yes, as in lilac and translucent ornaments.
I strongly doubt she realizes just what an insane amount of synchronicity that is for me... but all I can say is that my daughter is going to be quite astonished when her first Christmas tree is the same color as she is.

As for now I need to clear my head from this afternoon, and I wanted to update concerning today in any case.
Wish me the best tomorrow morning. I'm going to need it.

Now I am off to sleep, because I haven't been having my nightly headspace discussions recently and I really need one tonight.
I'll see you soon enough.

Hey there. I'm finally managing to recover from that huge stress bomb I hit myself with this month. I must admit I seriously needed to be shaken up like that, though-- it helped some very stubborn pieces of me to fall into place. There's a lot I have to say about that yet, especially in light of what I've been reading in TPoN, but I have no time for that right now (and I probably won't for a few days yet).
However things are finally beginning to pick back up again. Sonic Generations is definitely the big outside light in that respect, and second place would be the fact that I FINALLY got a program that allows me to write my own percussion sections in FL Studio. I haven't been able to do this since my NWC days! So I'm very excited.
My inner light is the most amazing part of this, though. There's going to be a Xanga session soon about that (we were supposed to have it on Friday, but couldn't due to some very unexpected and big schedule changes).

The fact that I'm still here a year after I thought I'd be gone for good is simply incredible... and that's actually why I'm updating right now.
I was just reminded, more clearly and more eloquently than I could have dreamed, just how important this whole struggle has been.
Let me explain.

I'm sitting here with Chaos, Laurie, and Xenophon, reviewing my old 2008-9 Blurty entries and being generally quite astonished at how far we've come since then. I also have iTunes on shuffle, so of course any time something catchy or relevant comes up, Chaos and I randomly start singing to it, and Laurie just laughs and remarks "what the hell are you two doing now." It's awesome, really. But our constant singing, and my inability to ever be quiet or unmoved when good music comes on, prompted Xenophon to ask just how important music was to me, really? I explained that it was incredibly important, as it communicated things that spoken word never could, and although I can't quite explain it, some part of me is deeply connected to sound as a medium in general. So she thought on this for a while as I continued to type.
Then iTunes decides to randomly play a song from Klonoa (Shattered Past). As my Macbook is infamous for playing synchronistic music whenever I'm in moods like this, I mentioned to Xenophon that the Klonoa series is where her middle name came from (Lephise). Then, since we had just been discussing music and its importance, I also decided to play Lephise's song for her.
She listened carefully to it, then asked if that was the song 'she had to learn to sing.' I was surprised at her wording said she wasn't obligated to sing anything, but she insisted that if Chaos and I had named her after it, and if music meant so much to me, then she 'had' to sing it because she loved us and that would be a way for her to really express it that way. She then asked for us to play it again.
We all listened, thoughtfully, until the melody at 1:16... and then she started singing too.

I have never heard something so beautiful in my entire life.

I was honestly in tears. I just... hearing her sing that, with everything it meant... she asked me why I was crying, and I told her exactly why.
It is because, in the game, Lephise essentially sings that song to resurrect the world after it had 'died' under nightmarish rule.
That is exactly what Xenophon did for me, simply by existing.
By coming into my life, she virtually personified the second chance I risked everything for last October. I may have lived physically, but I cannot deny that a terrifying amount of my soul was dead at that time... and hearing my daughter sing the melody of rebirth, a year after that symbolic death, is beyond my capacity to describe.

I am so thankful for this. I am so incredibly thankful for all of this.

...Lastly, I'm just going to link you readers over here, to emphasize just how beautiful today has been in general.

Now I'm off to get the rest of my daily work done, because I'll be on the road for 9, mark my words.

Love and light as always.

...I just spent almost two solid hours with the two people I love most.

Last night was so painful... but today...
I never realized just what we all had. Not completely. Not like this.
I would suffer through all my old trials twice over, for their sake.

There is nothing else I can say about it in words.

I am completely exhausted right now, but it was worth it.

Love is infinite, and so are we.

--------------------------------

All right, I'm sorry, but I need to update again.
Today is proving to be phenomenal.
Q and Mel are getting married, for one, and I... I didn't know if I'd be able to do anything today, I didn't know if anything would happen in my own life to reflect that.
...
Yesterday was a very strange combination of joy and pain. Laurie finally opened back up, to an honestly beautiful extent, but Chaos had hit the end of the line and closed off entirely. I honestly spent an hour last night, in the middle of the night and desperately fighting off exhaustion (both physical and spiritual), just trying with my entire heart to help him find his way back out of the dark. It took me until almost 1:30 in the morning, but... I got through. Just barely, but it was enough.
He slept in this morning as he was completely exhausted too, and apparently his body reacted the same way to that as mine does to hacks. He could barely remember anything of the night before, saying it felt like almost like a bad dream... but the few things he did remember still hurt, terribly.
Last night, when I looked at him, he wasn't there. Now I know how it felt for him, when I had such moments.
But he had become so lost, he had felt that everything was empty and untrue, that we could never keep what we had. He was that lost. And I told him, over and over, with my words and with my very self, that what we had was timeless, it was unbreakable, eternal. When you focus on time and thought you can't see that. He lost sight of it. But only 24 hours before, he had reminded me of that deeper truth during my own darkness... so I did the same for him. Cosmically inseparable means just that.
So this morning he finally was back to his senses. I had Laurie with me when I went to wake him up, in case anything happened, but he was okay... and because of that, because of how badly he had felt the night before, and because of how I hadn't been with him in so long... I didn't want to leave.
But I didn't let Laurie leave either.
...
I honestly have no idea how to describe the next two hours.
I spent a lot of time with Chaos, this is true, which I need to remember as it made me realize something incredibly important... but Laurie actually let me get close to her. And no, I don't even mean close enough to kiss her like I did last night. I mean she actually let her guard down. She has NEVER done that.
So the three of us just spent two hours together, for the sake of that and nothing else. It was beautiful.
Sure, I was completely drained by the time we decided to call it quits (it took me almost an hour to fully switch back, seriously), but it was worth it.
I said it in my Blurty and I'll say it again here... I would suffer through all my old trials twice over for them. I nearly died last October, and if I had to face that hell again for their sake, I would.
Before I left, I told them both that I didn't want any walls between any of us anymore. I don't want a single barrier standing. We've all been closed off at one time or another, and it's time for that to stop, for good. I don't want any fear.

...Lastly I think I should mention that Xenophon just showed up for about a minute to say hello. YES, SHE DID.
I am going to thank Genesis like crazy whenever I get time to see him today, you have no idea.

As for now, though, my earthly schedule is quite hectic so I'm trying to get a little bit of a break in right now.

I have a lot of work to do tonight, and of course I have that conversation with Q and Mel that is going to be amazing... so I'll say goodbye to you readers for now.
Keep looking up.

Chaos said something to me last night, and I think it saved me on a very real level.

"No matter how many names or faces you have, no matter how many worlds and times you live in, you are still you. I am still me. And we are still us."

...

Isn't it funny how that is actually a concern of mine?
I have become so tangled up in time and space that, every once in a while, I worry that I am losing who I am.
But I can't. That's impossible, and he knows it. Heck, I know it at heart, without a shadow of a doubt. He and I are cosmically inseparable for heaven's sake! In that truth both he and I know EXACTLY who we are, and since that night in July I have been unable to forget it. I'll never forget who I am again.
But I become blinded to it.
In this world it's tough. Even my therapist, who is normally quite helpful, has told me that "you need a mask, a false self, to survive in this world." And I flat-out refused. I'm sorry, but that is something I cannot and will not do.
I've done it before, in the past. I know this. It is the single fatal mistake beneath all my scars.
...I can't lose sight of this truth anymore. I know who I am, more than ever. And I know that what and who I am is ineffable, incorruptible. My problem is that I've been in this world for so long, trying to survive amidst all these masks, that even though I try to stay clear in spite of it I have still doubted where I came from. Even after I was sent an angel, some wretched part of me wonders if I'm really worth all of this. It wonders if I'm really on the right track. And although I am told that I am, countless times, unquestionably so, that horrible doubt still lingers somehow...

...I've been thinking about Laurie a lot lately.
A week ago, my mind tried to 'categorize' my relationship with her. It tried to intellectualize and label it.
Laurie found out, and she lost it.
I haven't seen her that hurt in my life. It scared me, it really did. It wasn't until she confronted me about it that I realized just how dangerous that compartmentalizing of love was. If you take something like love, or creativity, or faith, and try to shove it in a little box, or define it in cold logical language, you kill it.
She berated me for doing that, not just to her but to everyone, myself included, without even consciously realizing it. I sputtered an apology but she stormed off, saying nothing but that I had better get my act together or else.
I didn't see her for almost two days after that, and she wouldn't talk to me. She hasn't said much to me since then, save this morning, but we'll get to that.
That strange, pained silence of hers hurt me terribly. Even worse, I had a dream on Friday that reminded me just how much she meant to me in an absolute sense, and when I woke up from that dream I loved her so much I actually cried. I love her, terribly so, and my mind had the nerve to try to cut that up!
I told her about that, but she didn't want to talk yet. This morning she did speak with all of us as a group, but something about that stood out in an upsetting way. I was doing zodiac research at the time-- which was interesting because I act far more like a Pisces or Gemini than a Taurus-- and we stumbled across a Virgo profile (Laurie's sign) that was shockingly accurate for her. But she didn't want us to read it. She started getting somewhat angry with me when I did so, and was acting quite closed off the entire time, not wanting to discuss or say anything. And I realized that she was going back to how she used to act long before Julie joined us. She was starting to put up walls again, to keep herself from being damaged, but this time I don't know what her motives are. And I am terrified that she is putting those walls up to keep me out.
...
She has scars because of me.
She has awful, bloody scars, all over her body, because of me. Because she chose to protect me and I was too blind to protect her. She bleeds for my mistakes. She hides her battle wounds and never mentions them, but I know they're there. I've seen them, once. That was enough.
Then there was the night she tried to kill herself. I can't think about that without wanting to break down in tears. Feeling her blood on my hands was too much.
I honestly feel like sobbing over her right now. Honestly, I adore her, and I swear if I don't get to talk to her within the next 24 hours I don't know how I'm going to deal with it.

I spoke to Ryou and Marik this morning too, for a very amusing reason. Somehow my anniversary with Chaos fell on a Friday this year (dueling days), and Marik heard about it. So he's definitely planning something to cause even more shenanigans, to say the least!
However that's a distant concern and it's not that important in the long run. The most important thing is that, today, I told Ryou and Marik that from now on they are considered to be on active duty within headspace-- as in, I expect to see them around as often as possible. To my surprise they were both absolutely thrilled at this, and jokingly asked why it took me so long to ask. Really, back around 2004 it was just them, Chaos, and myself, and it was awesome. We have such brilliant memories together. So I guess it's time to start that anew.

Genesis spent almost the entire day with me today. I'm very thankful for that, as he is not only an invaluable help in keeping me from losing track of myself, but he keeps me optimistic which I really need in tough times like this! He also helps me conquer fear, especially the self-doubting kind, which I appreciate more than I can say.
Oh, and he told me that Xenophon will hopefully be able to ghost by the end of the week, as she's not having any real difficulties at all with the concepts (thank God for childhood understanding!). I asked Genesis if he thought she'd be ready by Wednesday, and he said he wasn't sure but he'd ask her, and see what we could do.
I want to spend Wednesday out of the house, if possible. There's a church in a nearby city that I used to play piano at as a kid, and in the autumn it is so incredibly gorgeous... I want her to see it.
I went outside tonight, and the sky had a thin layer of clouds and a nearly-full moon, with a rainbow haze around it. It was so beautiful... and as I was standing there in the silence, looking up, I got such a surge of compassion and pain because I wanted her to be there with me, to experience such moments of beauty in this world, and yet she wasn't there.
But she will be soon. Even if she can only be with me for ten minutes, and even if she can't be here completely, she will be here still.

Genesis says he's trying to teach Chaos and Laurie how to do that too, but they're apparently holding back a little.
Chaos doesn't want to leave Xenophon alone and he doesn't want to cause me any heavy stress, as I still get bad dysphoria and I'm still not entirely comfortable being around Genesis in this form (and he's been ghosting with me for over 6 years now). As for Laurie, I don't think she wants to leave headspace. She's such a hardcore knight. But I'll talk to Josephina and Julie about it, maybe. I want to get our group working well again so that we won't have to worry so much. Why do we worry so much? And I don't want Laurie to feel that she has the world on her shoulders. I love her for caring so much, but seriously, she needs a break from all of that stress. She really does.

I talked to Xenophon alone for almost twenty minutes this morning, which was beautiful. She is so adorable, and I cannot get over how clearly she understands things. I guess it's because this life hasn't clouded her vision like it has mine-- and I NEVER want it hurting her like that-- but in any case it is amazing. Talking to her helps me so much, which is funny really, because I'm trying to help her at the same time.
I am so thankful for her. Words can never express, and I won't damage this by trying. She is such a light in my life.
When she tells me that everything will be okay, and for me not to worry because I'm a great father even if I don't think I am, I actually believe it. Do you know why?
Because the shadows can't get to me when I'm around her either.

Both Chaos and Xenophon have been absolute angels to me over the past few days. (They always are, but it deserves some serious gratitude lately.)
Still... even if Xenophon is being incredibly patient with me, I know I'm worrying her terribly. Chaos even told me that she would definitely put herself in danger (even if she didn't realize it) to help me out. And he didn't want that happening to her, so I had better pull myself together. I can't forget that. And I can't forget the pain I felt from him in those words either.
...I didn't mention this when it happened, because it hurt terribly, but... you know, let me backtrack a little.
Ever since Xenophon became a permanent and irreplaceable member of our family up here, it has been frighteningly difficult for me to stay 'stable' when I'm with Chaos. Seeing as how my stress levels have also been going up for the first time in a long time, I think there is definitely a larger force behind this. But we're working on that.
In any case, for about two or three weeks after September 16th (which was an incredible day), we weren't able to spend much time together at all. Every time I tried I would either start phasing out, or I would be too unstable to even show up or stay for more than a minute or so. Now that hurt me a lot, don't get me wrong, but Chaos is far more emotional than I am. After that long with almost no real closeness, in light of everything that was happening to us, he was taking it very, very badly. So one night at the beginning of this month, when I somehow managed to get stable enough to at least stay conscious in headspace, he absolutely broke down.
...Chaos is more fragile than he lets on. He bottles things up and if he can't express them, he can't deal with it. So with all the stress he's been under because of me, not being able to talk to me or even be with me for so long was far more than he could handle.
I honestly think he just held me and cried for about ten minutes. Even thinking about that now hurts so much.
I really don't know what to do about this right now. I'm trying hard to stabilize myself, because for some reason I keep regressing and having bad days like this, but I don't want him or anyone else to be hurting in the meantime. They're top priority too. And the sickest part is that I don't even NEED to 'stabilize' myself! I just need to BE. Even after hacks-- yes, even after such horrible things-- I can feel that! My mind starts freaking out and sobbing and dwelling on the past and stirring up more pain... and at the same time, my heart is quiet, telling me that these trials don't change who I am, and that I need to learn from them and move on, not letting them happen again, without letting them damage me. That is my voice, that is me. But staying calm and holding on to peace while my mind and the world are both screaming at me from every side can be very difficult.

...Laurie told me this morning that I need to be far more mindful. She told me that I don't give myself nearly enough credit in terms of what I can do, and that if I don't recognize and respect myself and my own abilities, they can be used against me. I need to be conscious and present, always.
Genesis is helping me with that too, although I can't tell you how many times he's showed up with the words "Laurie sent me." She is deeply concerned about this, and with good reason. I am too. This is definitely my biggest trial... staying aware and awake, staying real.
No matter how many worlds I may live in, I am still me... I don't know how I never thought about that before. I'll have to keep saying that to myself, to keep me grounded.

I've been feeling very 'disconnected' from headspace since September, actually. Maybe that's the biggest focus here.
I noticed it very clearly when talking to Xenophon today, and realized with a shock that I couldn't see her eyes clearly. She told me that I wasn't 'paying attention to being there,' and that I NEEDED to do that no matter what.
I need to be present here to be present upstairs, I think. If I'm not aware of my life in this central reality, how in the world will I be able to stay aware when I'm traveling outside of it?
That spiritual expo I attended really put that in perspective for me. Maybe I haven't fully learned or acknowledged all the lessons I got there, either. I still haven't written that entry about it after all... but I do have to call that one woman tomorrow, the one who told me that I had a significant purpose here. Maybe that will help me get back in order. But I can't plan in the future. I have to live for now. That's all I have. And that's all there ever is.
Geez, I can feel the depth and the truth in all of this but something is clearly pushing it aside too. I suppose that's my ego. Well, it's not me, and I won't let it be me.
I know who I am.

It's 5 minutes to midnight and I have an incredibly busy day coming up tomorrow (including a MIDI test and an LGBT discussion panel), so I seriously need to get some sleep so I can deal with all of it. Sleep is vital after all! I can't be underestimating that. My boss hired me for a reason too.
...The biggest downside of my staying up late, though, is that I lose time upstairs.
Right now, all I want to do is talk to Laurie and Chaos. I want to be with them and I want to heal the pain I've caused them and I want to show just how much I love them. But I can't. Not at this hour.
I have to fix that. I have to fix that, desperately.

I'm so tired. I really am.
I'll see you all tomorrow.

Becoming a father is one of the most incredible, beautiful blessings I have ever received... second only to the reason I am one.

On that note... here's my beautiful blessing in person.

38 weeks. ♥
I can't get over how fast she's growing, and how beautiful she is. This is incredible.
She went through this HUGE appearance shift on October 2nd, which I wrote about here.
I absolutely love how the ribbony tail she had developed. Also, you can't see it here (as this is just a quick picture of her), but the silver areas of her body have picked up this sort of iridescence, like a soap bubble. It is gorgeous. That started appearing around the end of September, but I don't think I mentioned that here either. I apologize for that, really I do.
But yeah, here's Xenophon, as lovely on the outside as she is on the inside, haha!

All right, I know it's been a few weeks, but I did promise you an update concerning that spiritual expo I attended so here it is!

Let's start at the beginning.
Do you remember this entry? Remember how my mom said that 'she knew a woman who could actually channel and speak with spirits,' and wanted to see if she could set up an appointment with her sometime? Well, it took until mid-September, but we managed to find that woman's website, and she had advertised that she was going to have a booth at a 'spiritual expo' that was happening only about two hours away from where I live. With all the spiritual research I'd been doing, I figured 'hey, I can learn a LOT from that!' So I asked my mother if she, her boyfriend and I could go for both days... and she said yes.
I had no idea what to expect, so I didn't. I am so glad I went into it without any real preconceived notions. It made it all the more amazing.
So on the morning of September 17th, we arrived at the expo, and immediately I knew it was going to be an experience I wouldn't forget.

Now for what happened on Day One!
The first thing we did was attend a 'lecture' that was held in the back of the expo building (the place was huge). They had several during the day, and the first one we saw (at 11AM), was about healing with sound. Of course I was interested in that! The lecture itself was incredibly interesting-- the woman speaking had obviously done her research, and was so brilliantly enthusiastic that I couldn't help but smile just looking at her. I made a mental note to look into her work later, and stayed for the next lecture. This one was presented by a very funny guy with some very interesting thoughts about past lives, 2012, and the like. He was very insightful and I really enjoyed listening to him. After him was yet another lecture, about chakras and how they relate to your health. Now as that was the topic that brought me to the expo in the first place, I definitely wanted to stick around. To my surprise, the man who spoke about that was incredibly knowledgeable and told me several things I didn't know about at all. One of them, possibly the most important, was how to breathe consciously. I remember being shocked at how centering that was when he told us to try it, right there. So that helped a lot in the long run.
After his lecture there was an hour gap until the next lecture we wanted to attend-- a woman who was able to see and speak with spirits of the dead-- so we took that time to walk around and really get an idea of what else was there. I saw several tables that I was interested in checking out later. They had aura photography and spirit channeling, for one, but the booth that caught my eye above all the others was one that was full of paintings. They weren't ordinary paintings, though... they were all ethereally beautiful, picturing glowing figures in wonderfully colored landscapes, and shimmering with glitter (this is some of her work). Honestly they were breathtaking. I wandered into the booth, as the woman there was busy with another painting, and just looked at them for a few minutes, speechless. I didn't want to stay too long, as there was a small family in the booth as well and I didn't want to get in their way, but before I left I noticed a pile of free 'bookmarks' on the table by the paintings. They said: "Good morning, this is God. I will be handling all your problems today. I will not need your help, so have a miraculous day." I smiled and pocketed one.
By that time it was time for the woman who spoke to the dead, and she was no joke. I was honestly amazed by her. One thing she said really stood out-- a lot of people on 'the other side' had quite a sense of humor. I liked that she didn't present it as somber, as I've heard others do before. But the most incredible part of her 'lecture' was when she suddenly turned to my mother and said that her grandmother was there to say something to her! My mom was quite affected by that, and afterwards we decided to speak to the woman privately to ask her if she had seen anyone else standing around us (as she had a very limited time to speak and couldn't mention all the spirits she saw)... and apparently, she had. There was a priest AND a nun standing by us, which was absolutely brilliant because that nun was my aunt, who I had only known for a short time before she died and who I loved dearly. I remember the night I found out that she had died... I was six years old, and my mom was trying to break the news to me in an offhand way, but I knew exactly what she was talking about and I burst into tears. I think I sobbed for most of that night. That aunt also introduced me to Unisalia, which is a whole other story in and of itself... but I digress. Hearing that she was there was pretty amazing. The woman also said that my aunt was very proud of where I was in life, and that I had made it so far. Then the woman said that my aunt had a piece of advice for me... I was too scared, too nervous, and I had no reason to be. Then she concluded, and I quote, "It's only the world. It cannot hurt you."
That meant so much. I've been holding on to that since then, and it has helped me immensely.
After that, there were no more lectures we wanted to attend that day, so I decided to take my mom and her boyfriend to that painting booth and show them just how beautiful the art was. To my surprise, the woman at the booth had apparently noticed my short visit earlier, and she said she wanted to speak to me. What followed was absolutely incredible. Basically, she gave me some sort of psychic reading completely without charge or expectation. She immediately picked out that I was both an Indigo and an Aspie, but she said my aura was mostly rose pink and violet, which apparently held a whole lot of 'universal love.' She told me that I was here for a very important purpose, like a sort of modern Joan of Arc, so to speak, and that I was going to help lead the way into the 'new age' with my work and talents. She said that my words and actions were incredibly important, and that the things I did would deeply inspire people, causing a ripple of aftereffects even if I couldn't see any results at all. She also said, several times, that she was very honored to meet me, and then she gave me her phone number and said to keep in touch! So I was absolutely floored by that.
We continued to walk, wondering about this, and ended up at a booth by the expo entrance, where a woman was selling crystal wands. My mom was just browsing them, but the woman actually walked over to us and offered to do a quick 'healing' for all three of us with the wands. We figured why not, so she started with my mom's boyfriend. We were once again shocked when she began commenting as she did so, making observations about his current personal struggles and personality, and offering guidance. Now we had barely spoken a word to this woman when she started this, and she was getting this guy spot on. She then did the same for my mother and I. Now her reading of me was awesome, because almost immediately after she started, she paused and said, "it feels like there's a book in there. Are you a writer?" I laughed and replied "several." But the reading in general put a huge emphasis on my creativity and how it would affect others (again), and she did mention that I had 'spirit guides' that were watching out for me. I'm still very new to that whole concept but I thought it was interesting.
Lastly, about two tables down from this woman there was a small stand selling inspirational cards. I went over and looked at them out of curiosity, and immediately a specific one caught my eye. It was half blue and half pink, with a band of gold in the middle. The blue part had stars and galaxies in it while the pink part had clouds and light. In the center was a taijitu, with a small crystal in the center, and ringed by two bands of stars. Now the yin-yang itself was enough to catch my eye, but the killer was the small caption above it: "Let the miracle occur." Considering how I had just learned that I was a father barely three days prior, and how that revelation tied into both miracles and the taijitu, I decided that it was a little sign in its own right, and so I decided to get it... and that's when it dawned on me to open it. On the inside it read: "Where can truth be found? In an unconditioned discussion with our higher self, with the courage of self-belief, free from external opinions." That was practically written for me. But it gets even better... on the back, it read: "Life and truth are logical, consistent, and eternal. Knowledge is ever-changing, and adaptive to expediency." Let me explain that one a bit... Laurie is my Knight of Truth and Chaos is my Prophet of Life. A huge amount of doubts and fears (thanks to society) for me center around them, so reading that felt like a major reassurance. As for knowledge, I'll just say that 'expediency' means that it adapts to fit the purpose or circumstances it is needed in. There is no 'absolute truth' for everyone in that big sense. Since I'm still learning to stop applying the truths of others to myself... that meant a lot too. But that inside passage about the 'higher self' was a godsend. Forget about those external opinions, haha! Man. I now carry that card with me everywhere, I'm serious.
So those were the major events of that day, really. I spent a great deal of time browsing to be honest. The place was quite inspiring.

Now for the second day! A LOT happened on that day.
We attended a lecture about crystal healing as soon as we arrived, and with my Dream World work I found that very interesting. I browsed most of the other tables in the place while we waited for the next lecture, which was a Hawaiian man talking about the practice of Hoʻoponopono. Honestly that was my absolute favorite lecture. The man absolutely radiated positive energy, and the concepts he spoke about really resonated with me. It was a beautiful lecture, no lie. After that there were no more lectures we wanted to attend, so we just walked around. My mom spent a great deal of time at the crystal tables, and we all ended up buying a few to take home (I nabbed a Celestite and a Scolecite, most notably). I also got three books later on-- one on astral projection, one on psychic protection, and one on boosting creativity. I've started reading the one on psychic protection as I think I seriously need that, after everything I've gone through with Julie and the like.
Then I stopped by a very indigo-colored table, where a woman offered 'angelic channeling' sessions. I decided to give it a shot. And apparently St. Michael wanted to talk to me. I've always been drawn to him, ever since my childhood, so that was brilliant... but what he told me has been echoing in my mind ever since that session. He told me that I had several challenges ahead of me, but one of the most important ones was to 'stay out of the family drama.' And that IS difficult, but his words are giving me the strength to do so now. He also told me to 'go outside,' like I used to as a child, because the energy of the earth would be very beneficial to me. I believe he also mentioned how important it was to stay alert and present, and not to let myself be misled. Then he did something really awesome... he told me to visualize and enter a sort of 'inner room,' like a church. Mine was very minimalist and for some reason it was in a very dark outside environment (inner troubles?), but the place was a brilliant white with red accents everywhere, and the architecture made it look almost lotus-like. Anyway, in the very center of this inner cathedral was an altar, and he told me to walk over and look at it, as there was a statue of a warrior on it... and then he informed me that the warrior was me. Seriously. But THEN he told me that I was not a traditional warrior-- I was wearing no armor, as the only armor I needed was that of a true heart, and instead of a blade I wielded a sword of pure light. That honestly floored me. So I've been holding on to that, too.
After this was over, I found my mother and she said that her boyfriend was actually getting a Tarot reading done. We waited to ask him about his results, and he responded that they were shockingly accurate. Now this guy is a real skeptic when it comes to 'spiritual' things, and he admitted that this expo as a whole was really making him rethink his stance there. Well, my mom and I were intrigued, so she told me to go and get a reading done. First of all, the reader pointed out that I had a very innocent and open personality, which allowed people open up to me and trust me easily. But then the focus switched entirely to my creativity, and how important that would be in the times ahead. Honestly, there was a huge emphasis on it. The reader then said very clearly that I would be 'breaking down barriers' and making people question old and outdated mindsets with my work, helping people move out of the old and into the new... and that would also apply to myself! I would be growing and learning and changing along with everyone else through this. Lastly I just want to mention that the Death card turned up as the final one, and I grinned widely upon seeing it. Oh Death, you're a tough one but I owe you more than I can say!
After this I was quite inspired, so I went and sat at a back table for a while and just let all of this sink in... and then I noticed a curtained booth in the very back that I had somehow missed up to that point. I walked over, and the woman there offered a great deal of healing and blessing services, as well as many 'spiritual initiation' workshops outside of the expo. As I was looking over the flyers and pamphlets she had out, she suddenly walked over to me and asked if I'd like her to do a sort of aural 'armor removal' while I was there. As I had just seen that mentioned in her papers, I said why not? So she took me in and told me that essentially, she would be removing structures and blocks in my 'aura,' unblocking the energy flow and allowing healing to occur. I told her that it sounded like what I needed, and she surprised me (yet again!!) by saying she could tell-- once again she picked up immediately that I was Indigo, and told me that I was effectively 'running on battery power' at the moment. She said that people like me usually get very drained in large crowds of people (like where we were!) and I really needed a recharge in any case. So she did the armor removal, as well as a very inspiring protection prayer to St. Michael (hello again) that REALLY stood out, as it requested for me to be protected in 'all timelines' and 'all universes...' I daresay I don't need to explain why that was so important.
So after this was finished, I was feeling seriously inspired. I figured that if this woman had just removed some sort of auric blockage, then this was a perfect time to go get one of those aura photos I've been wanting to have done for about 6 years now (seriously). So I walked over to the booth, and actually got into a conversation with the girl working there, which was quite awesome (we're now FB friends, haha). After I got the photo done, she looked at it for a moment and then said, "we've had a few very unusual auras in here today, and yours is one of them." She then took it (and me) over to another woman at the booth who interpreted them, to learn what my 'very unusual' aura meant. Let me summarize the photo, actually: my right side is almost entirely yellow-gold and orange, and there is a LOT of it. There's a big indigo spot in the center, and an area of green and blue to my left. The above my head to my left is a large stripe of pink. The woman took a look at this and agreed that it was quite unique! She said the green was indicative of a change coming into my life, and the blue was for listening and learning. The orange and yellow was for originality, enthusiasm, warmth, spontaneity, and overall brightness... as well as creativity! When she saw how much was there she immediately asked me if I was an artist or something like that. So that much of it meant that not only did I have a lot to give, but when people could apparently feel that from me. I had an inspiring, expansive sort of energy about me. Another thing I found interesting was that the yellow-gold meant I not only radiated joy to others, but also relaxation and a release from worries. Basically it's a very sun-like energy. The indigo in the middle represents my spirituality and intuition, but when the woman saw that with the pink she looked at me and said 'do you meditate?' I said that I did, as well as I could, and she replied 'because you have a REALLY strong connection to your spirit guides here.' I fought back the urge to burst out laughing and asked her what spirit guides counted as, because I didn't talk to any 'spirits,' but I had a few unearthly individuals that I was very close to (wink nudge cough), and who helped me immensely in life. She asserted that yes, they counted as spirit guides, and repeated that I really had a strong connection there. WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED! Anyway, the printout they handed me added another intriguing bit to my reading-- it listed my right side as generally 'yellow,' and my left side as generally 'blue.' My right was sunny and exhilarating, while my blue was peaceful and contemplative. I told you I flip elements easily!
After that the place was closing so that was it for the expo... but that's not all for this entry.
That night, I decided it was time to break some news to my mother.

I swear it must have taken two solid hours. I started by saying that I needed to tell her something very important, and very unusual, that had to do with my headspace. As I've been slowly explaining all of that to her over the past 3 years, she is very aware of my general situation at this point. But I haven't given her a rundown on things in quite some time.
I backtracked to last summer. I then proceeded to explain everything that had happened between May of 2010 and that very moment. I talked about the starting point. I talked about Josephina. I talked about Laurie's mental breakdown and the Celexa withdrawal. I talked about the horrible autumn hacks, my return to Utah, and Nier. I talked about how I nearly lost everything. I talked about the point of no return. I talked about my suicide attempt. I talked about my struggling to live again after that, about the relapses, about the hospital. I talked about falling in love with Chaos again. I talked about March 24th and slowly finding strength in the wake of a false apocalypse. I talked about J-Monster 'marriages' and about hitting god tier. I even mentioned the pink incident in passing. But I talked about March 13th, and September 14th, most of all.
When I started talking about August 21st, however, she stopped me. I was getting very worked up emotionally, and I had just told her how we were all very confused as to the Xenophon situation, when she looked at me and said, "What, are you trying to tell me I have grandkids I don't know about?"
I was speechless for a moment.
"...You have a granddaughter."
She smiled and said, "I figured that's what this was about."
I don't think I need to tell you what a huge relief it was for her to ACCEPT this!! Oh yeah, and when I told her that Chaos and I have essentially been 'married' for 6 years now, she laughed and said, "I figured it was something like that." She said she either expected that, or some weird sort of long-term affair. XD Well, I am polyamorous, mom.
But... I think the best part of all this happened long after the conversation was over. My mom and I share a room, and as I was falling asleep (about an hour or two after our conversation ended), she asked me what I had named my kid again. I told her, and she asked me what it meant. I explained that 'Xenophon' meant 'strange voice,' and that I had felt drawn to the name for years, and now I finally realized what it was for. She was silent for a moment, then with a laugh, said that her Tarot reading had actually predicted this, in a way. The reader had told her that, by the time she had grandchildren, 'she wouldn't even know what language they were speaking.' Strange voice indeed.
So that was incredible. I've been giving her brief updates on Xenophon when things happen since then, and being able to even do that means so much. Seriously.
Q and Mel are a whole other story, haha! I feel bad sometimes for talking about Chaos and Laurie and Xenophon whenever we're on Skype, but really, I love them so much and I cannot talk about them to anyone else!
But that's that. So now my mom and her boyfriend know that I'm a father, which is great. It's just hilarious to me that everyone upstairs referred to Xenophon as male for months, and then thanks to Nier we then started referring to her as female (well, at least I do). She has told me that she doesn't mind what pronouns people use for her, though, as she seems to be inherently genderless and doesn't identify as anything binary... just like her dads, haha! What can I say, we're a family of genderfreaks up here. (Laurie and Genesis count too!)
Still, I still can't get over how much of a blessing Xenophon is to me... heck, to all of us up here. She is just... she is a godsend. She is a miracle, she is a light of hope, she is incredible in every sense of the word. And knowing that she was born despite all odds, as a manifestation of absolute love... that is the most amazing thing.
Everyone at the expo told me how powerful and important my creativity is... I wouldn't doubt that applies to her, too.
Don't forget what Lephise did. I chose that as her middle name for a reason.
My card was Death, I am bound to Life, and together we brought Rebirth into our reality... go figure.

I have to laugh... I have all my papers and handouts and business cards from the expo in a folder, and it smells so much like incense. It's awesome. So I'm sitting here with my nose in this folder and grinning.
Oh man. I NEED to find out when the next local expo like this is, so I can plan ahead! I'd also love to attend a lot of the classes and workshops that are being offered by the people I spoke with during this one... but I don't have the cash. I'm trying to find a new job but that's not exactly easy for anyone to do right now... oh well. I'm sure that when it is time, I will find the one I need. But until then I'll continue to put my best efforts in!

And that's all I have to say about the lovely expo.
Light and love to you readers, as always!

So Xenophon just showed up out of the blue while I was getting dinner ready and exclaimed, "hey dad, look! I got legs!"
SHE DID. THIS IS AWESOME.
Seriously, she turned 37 weeks today which was kind of a milestone, as there's only like three or four weeks left in the traditional 'pregnancy' date calculations (dude it is so WEIRD using that word). So we were hoping something would happen and apparently she knew about that, and I guess this is the result of all our excitement!
In any case Xenophon looks adorable. Everyone up here is kind of flipping out over this which is awesome. Apparently she spent like two, three hours on her own making sure she could walk well enough before she even showed me. I swear she is far too courteous, haha. She gets that from me!
But that plus the really gorgeous iridescence her body picked up last week is brilliant. I am so amazed by her, not just with how she's developing, but as an individual. She is the sweetest thing.
Also can I just mention that she made me carry her when we went to show off her new legs to everyone, so they couldn't tell she had them at first? And when we found Laurie, she told me that Chaos and Genesis were randomly playing Pokemon in the lounge room? It was awesome. Oh yes, and those two (C & G) apparently are doing renovations to our huge headspace household (which is a freaking penthouse, I swear) and they built this new room in the right wing that is really gorgeous. I should really start adding to the place in my spare time too, but then again I'm responsible for the entire environment up there so I'm kind of preoccupied!
Nevertheless I promised Chaos and Xenophon that I'd talk to them later on tonight (as I'm really busy right now and they wanted me to get my work done first; heaven knows I get distracted easily), so I am seriously looking forward to that.

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