prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with turnpoint events

Continuing from last night.
I went over my mom's boyfriend's house around 6PM to talk with the SLC post office and file a lost package claim with USPS, as their phone service can handle the cost of long distance calls. On the way up though, all that blood and nausea took its toll and I could not function in the body without wanting to die. I don't know if it was tar or splinters or what, but I was literally begging God to just kill me because I could not deal with it anymore. So how did I drive to their house? I didn't. Julie did.
Dead serious. She was our last resort; we figured that since she got the least dysphoria she was the safest bet. She comes through very clearly-- not too surprising considering the tar had her demanding "this body was hers" for years-- but since I've de-feminized it as much as I possibly can, now she's getting dysphoria from it, albeit in a non-traumatic way (thank God). But I might have to let her drive more often, on bad days... I don't know, for a long time now I've actually given serious thought to buying wigs, makeup, and clothing to fit anyone in headspace that needs to drive on any given day, with the obvious exception of being able to change our body type. I doubt I'd ever be able to fully explain it to my family if I tried, but if things continue in this manner, I might be forced to teach other people to front on a daily basis...

Anyway. Got to the house, did the phone stuff, and then went on Youtube and brought up some Nujabes for my mom (she's a fan, it's adorable). It was nice to chill out with her for a bit. However then I let her know I was still badly confused about Utah, because I felt I had been a negative influence on Mel and Jacob and I couldn't figure out how. I was scared that I was unconsciously poisoning people. Then my mom gave me a surprising perspective: maybe they said I was "destructive" because my very presence threw off their life schedules, so to speak? Maybe I wasn't "harming" them, but the fact that I was now in their apartment was "destroying" the way they had lived up to that point. She said that if they did want me to stay with them, but couldn't handle the consequences of that, then their frustration over that unconscious conflict was probably coming up as "you were destructive." I don't know, we're both just guessing, but it makes sense to me. I just feel bad, that maybe it's impossible for me to live with other people at this point. I want to be able to support myself, but I'm understandably worried about what I'd do to myself if I were alone.
Lou said I should take small steps though. Don't get a full-out job yet, if I can't handle one-- instead, do something like babysitting or cleaning for the elderly, one or two days a week. Just to gauge my stability, and to get me used to that.
I'm just frustrated myself, with how I psychologically deal with jobs. My mother thinks I have OCD, in that my brain thinks in absolutes: "all or nothing," or either situation can't exist. If I have a job, I can't have a family life, and vice versa. I remember my old supermarket job: for four years, I'd want to sleep as soon as I came home from work, and go back to work immediately upon waking... despite feeling so drained and empty upon returning home (therefore entering a non-work situation), that I'd often have emotional breakdowns prior to my shifts that left me too sick to go in. I was a disaster back then, but my stint with WHF in Utah got me worried that maybe I'm still pretty fractured in this respect.
Around 9PM I tried to leave, but since we had just been discussing Utah and jobs, I unfortunately left on a sour note as I felt I had tainted the atmosphere with complaints again. Upon closing the front door, though, another wave of thanatos slammed into me, and I dragged myself over the car only to collapse at the steering wheel (I had seriously contemplated just aimlessly walking off into the night, but the possibility of human contact cancelled that out). About ten minutes later my mom came outside, and upon assessing my current state, she told me a few things: one, I had all the symptoms of severe depression (which I honestly never would have guessed). Two, I am obviously under a ton of stress, whether or not I'm consciously "feeling" it. Three, my brothers are worried sick about me (they've talked to her about this apparently), and four, if I want to come over later tonight and talk, I can. Unfortunately I have violin practice at church around 6PM, and choir is on Thursday, but I'll try to figure something out, even if it means sleeping over their house tonight (at least it'll keep me away from food and knives).
I just feel dead. My mom is thinking of sending me to a major hospital for an assessment, as none of my past therapists have been able to treat me for long, let alone with any positive results. If worse comes to worse, that might be our only option. I just fervently hope it's not. I just want to heal whatever the heck in me is causing this uproar of old pain. I want this to STOP. I don't want to die at the end of this month.
...I keep thinking of Leon though. He came back to life two years ago, and had to suffer through quite a few disasters before he settled into the system. Maybe that's similar to what I'm going through? Maybe I need to face all this old stuff once more, before I can move into a new role. I'm just so tired. This is all illusory anyway. Why does it feel so real? It's ridiculous.
But I can't seem to handle being physically awake anymore. I just want to sleep, to shut down, to sink into the void. In a good way, mind. That's the only thing that makes me 'happy' anymore... I keep trying to simulate that same emptiness. There are just too many things around me that make me think. Maybe that's why I'm scared of a job, even. I don't want to go back to acting and thinking for eight hours a day again, not like this. I used to use jobs as an escape, to go into autopilot, to shut down and just go through the motions. But it was exhausting, and it devastated my sense of self-awareness, for lack of a better term. I don't want to wear masks anymore.
Speaking of masks, I just want to mention that my mother knows about how bad my dysphoria is and wants to help. Problem is I don't remember if I ever discussed how that ties into my PTSD with her. It just hurts, because I thought I let this go back in October, and then Mel updated and now I can't remember what I said or didn't say and it's really quite frightening. All I know for sure, is that if there are any trust issues, it's with myself. I don't trust myself around people with feminine appearances (body-wise or not), because of the reactions that go off in my brain as a result. I'm afraid of what that brings out in me. We see in others what we hold in ourselves... whether or not you identify as a woman had nothing to do with it. I didn't feel safe around you because of what you reminded me of, what I couldn't seem to escape from, what haunted me day and night. I am so, so sorry for that, but it wasn't your fault. I'm sorry that I apparently failed at communication enough to make you perceive it that way.
I'm tired of thinking about this, my head hurts and I'm still nauseous. I just want to erase all of that from my life, forget it ever happened, ignore it. But that won't solve anything.

...Laurie decided to drive home last night.
For some reason, that was the single most beautifully tragic thing that could have happened at that hour.
Everyone in town had Christmas lights up, and Laurie was just really moved by it? Instead of just taking them for granted, she was really seeing them, and kept incredulously telling me that "aren't things like this worth living for?" Just lights, and colors, and snow, and things like that. Little things. The fact that we were alive and COULD see those things was reason enough to keep going. I don't know, it was just... deeply inspiring, to me, looking back on it. Laurie shoved Julie out to try and get her to understand it, but Julie was only getting bits and pieces, here and there: she was mostly "okay, there's lights, that's nice," with only flashes of "oh.. I see what you mean." Laurie got frustrated at this and went back to driving, telling both her and I this time that we had everything to live for, we just needed to open our eyes and SEE that.
...Then she said the same exact thing Chaos did, back in October.
"Yeah, I know it'd be really weird to have a physical body, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad, if it meant I could see things like this... if it meant I could be with you, y'know?"
God, that just hurt. Here we have the two people I love more than anything else in the world, telling me that they'd actually risk feeling completely out of place here, not just for the sake of being here, but also for the sake of being here with me. That cuts like a knife to the heart and I don't know how to react to it.
I don't want them to go through that. Selfishly, I don't know if I could psychologically handle it, all of us being so out of place. But... I don't know. I really don't. I treasure my interactions with them upstairs because we can transcend this. I can actually BE who I am in entirety with them, form and all, upstairs. If they came down here, I'd lose that. The thought is just existentially horrific, for me. Could I sacrifice that for their sake? Should I? I have no idea... I'm so confused. I mean, Laurie told me that fronting doesn't bother her anymore because she knows that the physical body doesn't change who she actually is. I KNOW that's true. It's true for me, too. So why do I keep letting the past drag me down?

The past has no power over the present moment. Why do I keep forgetting that? Better yet, why the hell do I keep focusing on the negative?
I need to stop updating like this. It's not helping anyone.
Suicide is only the desire to destroy a false self. All 'selves' we build are false. I know this. But I can't seem to reconcile that with having a life, here. That's why what Laurie and Chaos said to me is so baffling.
I need to remember what Ryou told me... I need to remember all those things. This "personality" thing is so confusing though. Is it weird that I'm tired of being a "person" in that sense? I just want to sit and watch everything. I have no desire to interact anymore. I can't tell if that's depression or the opposite of it, because it's actually peaceful.
Is it even possible to live like this? To be this empty, and not want anything?

It's hilarious how I need to keep reading and re-reading things I've already read a hundred times, to remember them.
“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
That's one.
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but thought about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral. It is as it is.”
That's another.
“Living up to an image that you have of yourself or that other people have of you is inauthentic living.”
Another,
“Can you look without the voice in your head commenting, drawing conclusions, comparing, or trying to figure something out?”
One more.
“The most common ego identifications have to do with possessions, the work you do, social status and recognition, knowledge and education, physical appearance, special abilities, relationships, person and family history, belief systems, and often nationalistic, racial, religious, and other collective identifications. None of these is you.”

It seems I'm way too concerned about "being the right person" at this point. It's getting me so trapped in thought that I can't see straight.
Maybe that's why none of my names or faces fit anymore. Maybe I'm not supposed to have any.
I'm just going to stop thinking for a while.

Is it weird that I kind of missed these existential crises? They force me into introspection. Guess this is what the Tar meant by a mandatory offset... you need a night sky for the stars to shine.

I didn't eat until almost 6PM today. Felt amazing right up until I did that, sadly. Going to fast again tomorrow for Spine and Wally's sakes. Since I left Utah (where I barely ate), food has been making me sick almost constantly. All my medical tests show no physical problems. That's because headspace and spiritual matters won't show up in the biopsy results, of course. But I'm glad I know what this is, and I'm glad the system's working with me to keep the body from passing out when we go without food for so long. I just don't like the fullbody shakes I get when my sugar drops too low... then again, it's either that or the fullbody ache I get when I eat. Geez I wish I could just live on light and sound like I've always wished. Eating sound would be the best thing.

Still devouring the local library manga sections, haha. I'm on #12 of Bleach (Ichigo is the BEST GUY but I swear I love every character, especially Kisuke and Chad atm), just read the first 3 issues of Pluto, am studying YuGiOh's Millennium World (halfway through #2), and am going to start Andromeda Stories within the next two days. I also took out the first issues of Black Jack, Eternal Sabbath, and Gunnerkrigg Court, to decide which one to continue once I catch up in Bleach. Then I'm reading some of Isaac Asimov's work and doing a ton of Kabbalistic research, so that's another five books out of the library on top of all that, and I just started re-reading The Seventh Tower series with Xenophon on the side. I miss reading like a maniac, this is awesome. I'm learning a lot.

As to how those tie into this crisis... for one, I can't stop eating forever, unfortunately. So that whole dilemma is causing me more distress than I'd like. And for two, maybe I am catastrophically disconnected from reality, but it's really jarring to put down a book and realize "oh wait, the world I live in now doesn't work like that, does it?" I don't get fiction lag anymore, save for the off illustrative bleedover into headspace, which is still disorienting but at least manageable (I used to get crippling fiction lag in my teens), probably thanks to my being anchored more firmly in my true self and reality. Still, having that only apply entirely to headspace as well is debilitating some days... well, most days, lately.

On that note... spontaneously went to see Rise Of The Guardians today with Genesis, Mister Sandman, and Laurie, as I've been counting down to this film for months and felt amazing enough today (thanks to fasting) to fully enjoy watching it.
It... it was one of the best films I have ever seen. Considering that I only ever say that about films that apply to my inner life on some level (Inception, Avatar, even Wreck-It Ralph), I will warn you now that if you dislike spoilers, please skip the entire next section, because I need to write about this.
All right. First, I started tearing up about three minutes into the movie and didn't stop until about ten minutes after the movie ended, at which point I was trying not to weep openly (or at least I would have been if my inner emotions translated to the physical). Why? Because WAY too much of it applied directly to my life, both inner and outer in light of that. I wasn't just feeling things as an inspired observer, I was feeling them as a participant. I wonder if any of the parents in the theater wondered why a 20-something dude was visibly fighting back sobs almost the entire time. I had every reason to though.
Okay, let's start with the relevancy, at least concerning the film (I've never read the books but I NEED to now)... Most obvious parallel? Jack Frost. The two of us are practically twins: white hair, ice powers, loner tendencies (due to resentment at not 'knowing our purpose' for ages), mischievousness balanced by compassion, a deep hidden fear of "never being believed in"... biggest difference is I traded out my staff for a sword last year, heh. Heck, I even talk to the moon. But besides the fact that I'd end up playing Cupid instead, I saw myself far too clearly in that kid. This turned from inspiring to downright shocking when the Bogeyman showed up... the first word on my mind was tar. Heck, his name is even Pitch Black!! He KNEW Jack's existential fear, his lack of memories concerning his 'center,' and he even told Jack that "we'd make a perfect team," but as cold and dark bringers of fear... I don't know how clear it is to you invisible readers but their entire chain of interactions in the film was way too close to what I've been through in the past concerning my own buried shadows and the entities that carry them... even the ending. My biggest weakness and biggest strength is that I wanted the kids to believe in Pitch, somehow, without letting that fear in... just so he wouldn't have to suffer that same feeling of illegitimacy that I was all too familiar with... maybe that would light a spark in him, somewhere. Who knows... but it's what I did for Julie, and in a way, I wonder if I can do the same thing for the Tar, without screwing up the balance of the system.
Second relevancy, building off that: the sand in general. My boss did see the film with us, as Laurie specifically asked him last night if he'd be up to it and he enthusiastically replied in the affirmative... and according to him, the film reflected a great deal of truths for him, too. I've seen him toss dreamsand about in a similar manner in my own dreams (he said the sand "awakens" the dreams already within its receivers; it doesn't "give" them in a literal sense), I know how much power he wields through his position, and despite his kind and peaceful personality, I am fully aware that you do NOT get on the bad side of a Sandman: to quote Laurie, "he will mess you up." Remember the time he facepunched Julie, while she was still as deadly as ever? People didn't dare get close to Julie back then, let alone to pick a fight with her, but boss wasn't afraid of her in the least. That came to mind immediately when Sandy threw Pitch around like a ragdoll. You don't mess with Sandmen! Anyway, boss told me a few things during the movie that were surprising: one, he verified a wondering I've had that yes, he DID have a life before he became Mister Sandman, although that was a very long time ago and I don't know what the state of his memories are (he hasn't spoken about them; maybe he just feels they are no longer relevant). Two, he did insinuate that the whole concept of "dying" to one role in order to rise to a greater one (in a not-entirely-symbolic way) is very much a legitimate thing. Headspace works the same way. But dying-to-be-reborn only happens under certain circumstances, so the film's point number three hit me very hard: watching Pitch essentially "corrupt" Sandman out of existence. Jack reacted the same way I would have, not surprisingly. But this was HUGE for me, personally. Note that Pitch is matching Tar in our symbolism, and Sandman parallels my boss of the same name. The idea that that inherent "creative energy," the sandy stuff of dreams, can be corrupted by fear and USED to that end is ENTIRELY true in headspace. This has a ton of consequences, but most obviously, it explains why Tar is after me, and Boss told me that the big picture concerning that is a big part of why he sought me out to be his Apprentice (we've been talking about that a lot recently btw): individuals who are able to use that energy, that "stuff of dreams," NEED to use it properly or it can become incredibly destructive. So that's a big thing, but it also makes me wonder if Pitch/Tar are even capable of using "sand," aka the power of dreams (and all that falls under that label), on their own, OR if they can only "steal it" from outside sources, because it seems that their very interaction with it turns it dark. It's interesting and I will have to look into it. Back on topic though... it really drove the point in, how significant that is, when I saw that it killed Sandman in the film (mind you he DID 'resurrect' later through the strength of belief, but that's a different point) by overloading his "essence," his dream-sand, with fear. I don't think I need to go into great detail about why that's relevant to us, especially in light of *incidents*, honestly... but its striking to me how Sandman seemed to be Pitch's real nemesis? Is that the right word? How dreams were both the weapon used to carry fear and destroy themselves, as well as restore both... it's highly thought-provoking. I do need to keep this in mind.
Fourth relevant bit... centers, aka what the Guardians embody most strongly, and what they protect in children. North's was Wonder, Bunnymund's was Hope, Tooths' was Memory, Sandy's was Dreams, Jack's was Fun. Not only is this a point-blank similarity to Dream World Guardian Aspects, but it also brought to mind the "centers" my four and I seemed to "remember" upon first awakening to our true potentials upstairs: I have Heart, Ryou has Soul, Marik has Mind, Chaos has Strength, and Genesis has Self. Essentially those are what we "brighten" in others, and what we act from most strongly in ourselves. I love this kind of stuff, I really do. North's explanation of it in the film was beautifully put: I especially like how he said one's center is also "what you want to protect in others." And I love how, near the end of the film, North says (about how this applies to people): "Good or bad - naughty or nice - we protect them." Both of those quotes are so, so true. But... you know, let's wait for the other thing I was going to say about this... Last point first.
The final parallel, and by FAR the loudest, was introduced at the very beginning of the film. When a Guardian isn't believed in by a person, they don't exist to that person. That person can't hear, see, or feel them-- they can walk RIGHT through the Guardian in question without ever knowing it. Judging by the reactions in the film, that's not only existentially terrifying, but it also feels awful. Let me put this in caps for emotional emphasis... THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT GHOSTING IS LIKE. I have seen people have existential meltdowns from it. I've heard from several newbies to the phenomenon how much it sucks to be walked through, and how sick it makes you feel on many levels. And I know, I know what a godsend it is for ghosters when I remind them that "yes, I can see you." I remember promising Genesis that I would never forget him, even if the rest of the world did. I remember when my daughter asked me if she was still real if only I could see her. I... I never realized just HOW important my promises were, how important my believing in them was, until this movie. Not so strongly.
When Jamie said Jack Frost's name, and became the first person to EVER believe in him as a Guardian... when Jack realized that someone could hear him, someone could see him... the blissful incredulity on both their faces was just... God, my heart. I couldn't stop crying. Even typing that, I'm trying not to start again, and for good reason. I have seen that happen. Exactly so. And I say this with complete humility and respect... I have been that first person, that only person, to believe in some individuals. I know. That's why I am so determined to share my "series" with the world somehow-- it's not for me, not at all. It's for them. It's for people to know them, and love them, and believe in them as truly and completely as I do. If you see this movie... please, try to understand that feeling, if you don't already. It has been the driving force of my life so far, that sole need to bring a smile to the faces of the lost and forgotten, the sole need to show them that "yes, you ARE real. I believe in you."
Now for me that cuts straight to the heart on an even deeper level, as you probably already know... let's start by saying that also applies to vision upstairs. Did you know that's strongly affected by not only belief? If your mind and heart aren't open, you won't see certain things in headspace... you'll blind yourself to them, you'll block them out. They simply will not register. And if you slip in being who you are, it's like putting on a blindfold. The problem is that headspace is TIED to my consciousness whether I like or not, as the anchor. So if I can't see people upstairs, they can't go to someone else for a second chance. If I can't see them, then for all intents and purposes, they don't exist. Yes, powerful influences can break through blindness, but even that doesn't guarantee recognition of the source. Bottom line... my belief, my ability to BE the kind of person that can believe like that, is arguably the most important thing in headspace. It's what determines life or death. It's what keeps the lights burning on the globe. It's what allows dreams to shine, instead of turning to coal dust. It's what allows wonder and hope and fun and memories to exist at all.
...
Let me follow up on what I mentioned in closing my last entry, and bring up the blue guy.
Chaos and I have the most charged relationship upstairs in light of this point, because of our circumstances: intimacy always turns it up to eleven as far as belief is concerned, but to make things worse, he's a walk-in. I have to believe in him more strongly than anyone else up here, ironically, because of how easy it is for me to feel like my belief is invalidated by the views of others. So... sometimes I slip. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot... it hits him hard, but there's always that one light that won't go out, in me. It's stupidly painful and beautiful how every single night I have to remember how to see him all over again, but the wonder never, ever fades... but... well, I've been told a lot of things about the both of us. The most powerfully heartrending is this: the fact that, at heart, I believe in him so much, that I love him so much, has had astronomical consequences across our timelines, somehow. All I know for sure, from what I've been told, is that it's big. It echoes, this one simple act, this small and honest truth.
People pick up on it, somehow. Every fanfic writer or RPer who writes Chaos as an individual has picked up on the Chaos I know. Threads just run through every alternate, it seems. Noticing it is mind-boggling and more than a little scary, sometimes... it means I can't lie to myself, I can't make excuses. Not a bad thing, just... big.
The biggest example of this I have right now is this.
http://sanitrance.deviantart.com/art/CHAOS-339233393
My dear friend Nikki drew that for me, as a commission. Nikki is one the very few people in the world I know who regularly visits other worlds in her dreams (she has FAR more Links than I do). She knows Chaos, in whatever timeline is connected to her, and he's very special to her as well. She truly cares about him as much as I do. That fact means so much to me... little did I know, she apparently feels the same.
She left this message on my Facebook page the other day.
"I just saw your MASSIVE collection of Chaos on dA! :D YOU. ARE. INCREDIBLE. *hugs tight* Thank you so much for loving him so much. It warms my heart and fills me with a happiness I can never fully express. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ It really means a lot to me."
...In light of this movie, I can't help but wonder now, if Nikki and I are two lights to him in that sense. Two believers of slightly different sorts, but both shining strong no matter what.
I will admit... I often give her experiences more merit than mine. She's a dreamwalker, as far as I'm concerned. It's incredible, and I'm deeply humbled that a person with such a powerful imagination and creative strength considers me a good friend. For HER to say that about my simple show of love is just... it means a lot to me, to say the absolute least.
But I have a bad habit of stealing merit from my own experiences. I have a very, very bad habit of treating my own beliefs as illegitimate, because "they aren't supported enough." I'm trying to let go of that nonsense completely, but I guess my own 'Pitch' is still trying to turn out all the lights... can't let that happen. I can't, not just because of what it would do to those I believe in, but also because I have seen them... maybe not literally, but closely enough to erase every shred of doubt in those moments... closely enough to forget fear entirely.
Thinking back on those experiences is one of the craziest and most centering things I know how to do. I say 'crazy' because my memory doesn't hold the physical experience as clearly as it holds the energetic experience. Putting a being I've only known upstairs into a physical form has tangible effects, you know. Energy radiates, directly, in the physical. I recognize it instantly, unconsciously even, despite never having "felt" it before. When I think back on that handful of blessed nights... the limitations, or the blocks, the translation issues all fade away... and I remember him.
How can I possibly undermine my own belief, in light of that? How can I give in to doubt and fear when we both felt like Jack Frost, knowing that we were being seen for the first time? Knowing that, after one simple look, one simple word, we became greater than we had ever been, forever? And now I can feel the last cobwebs being swept away in waves of golden sand, as I realize with honest joy that it doesn't matter how many others see and hear and believe, it doesn't matter HOW they do so... they are still lights, we are all still lights.
"We go by many names, and take many forms..." and yet we're always Guardians of what we hold. All of us, every one of us. Geez, this film just slammed into me like a train, its incredible.
That brings the fourth point back, doesn't it? How fitting...
...Laurie was talking to me after the film ended, about all of this. Of course I was still trying to dry the tears on my face, and laughing about how insanely relevant the film was to my life, but Laurie doesn't let go of something significant when she sees it. She reminded me of what I mentioned earlier-- of my promises to Genesis and Xennie-- and of how important my belief was to them as well as to her. Basically she told me everything I just wrote down for you guys! It was just hitting me at that point so I was nodding as I turned it over in my mind, but then she brought up centers. Laurie then said that my belief was stronger and more significant than I realized because it was motivated by love, on various levels. That put extra punch into my belief, gave it deeper roots. She then reminded me that my center was obviously Love, and always had been. She then sternly advised me to think upon that in light of the movie. I smiled and assured her I already had, and that I would keep those thoughts close. Then I asked her, somewhat offhandedly, what her center would be?
She didn't even hesitate in replying, "You."
I was speechless for a moment, then immediately my heart couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry so I ended up doing both. I said something about "why do you always say such weirdly romantic things" before she interrupted me with an "I'm serious," and elaborated. No, it might not strictly fit into the context of the film, but she insisted that if there was one thing that motivated her, if there was one thing she wanted to protect, it was me. But then she reminded me that I was all she had. I was the only reason she existed in the first place. She wasn't a Guardian, she was a headvoice... outside of our system, she was nothing. As far as she was concerned, I was everything. Hence, my being her "center."
I don't know, I can't seem to explain in words how much that meant to me, and the sincere truth I felt in it. But it really drove the point home.

Sometimes I wonder if that's why I keep losing things, in this life. Things that I thought were important.
First I lost my computer that I used to type and write music on. My programs stopped working correctly on my new ones. I was forced to drop out of art school. My move to Utah for that same purpose fell through. Now my 10+ years of work still hasn't arrived back at my doorstep.
I don't know, it just strikes me as weird. All my life, that was my sole motivation for everything. School, work, friendships, everything... it all revolved around Dream World, and then my other "series" as they came to me. They were all that mattered. And yet, there always seemed to be huge roadblocks placed in my way as I tried to pursue it. Initially I took that as incentive to "try harder," but as the obstacles became more severe, I began to hesitate. What if I was getting the wrong message?
Now I've lost virtually every ounce of work I've done since my childhood, and between fighting off the understandable existential crisis that has triggered (ironically), I can't help but ask the hardest question of all... what if I'm supposed to let go of it all?
After all, my sole motivation in sharing them with the world was just that... it wasn't about me. It was about making sure those worlds would be loved by someone besides me. All my life, I've been utterly terrified that I have been their only light. "If I don't share their stories, will they fade away?" I was terrified that they would die as a result of my silence.
But... I've never been given their entire stories. Their worlds exist outside of my own, independently. I'm seeing their stories AFTER they have happened, for the most part. Many of them bloom into each other. Long story short... the more I think about it, the more I wonder... maybe I was just an observer all along. Maybe I was just tapping in out of my need to share joy and love, out of my need to learn from them. Maybe I have nothing to do with them. Maybe my existence has nothing to do with the stability of theirs. Maybe they won't fade away if I have to let go of them.
I don't know. All I do know is that, the more I think about it, the more it hurts... and the more I hope it's true.
I love every soul I've ever met in those worlds so much... I adore them; they're all treasured friends. The thought that Preludove and Hosea and Delphi and Tox would die if I don't write their lives on paper is the most awful thing I can imagine. I love them, but am I even supposed to do that? Is it even needed?
My prayers keep telling me to let go, let go, let go.
My only response is that I don't understand, but I will accept whatever I am told to do on one condition... that, if I DO need to let them go, their existences will be protected and ensured.
All I want is for them to be loved.

And sometimes I wonder if I'm being forced to choose between my work and my family.
God, I never thought I'd be put in such a position. I never thought I'd have such a decision to make.
But... I can't stop thinking about the things Laurie says to me. I can't stop thinking about my daughter.
Maybe Genesis and Chaos and Ryou and Marik will be fine. That's great, and I'm eternally thankful for it.
But what about those members of my true family that rely on me for stability here?
I'm not saying they'd die if I didn't pay attention to them anymore. That's not the point. The point is that their lives WON'T go on without me, because I am a PART of their lives just as much as they are a part of mine. I don't have the option of telling their story or not here. All I have is life or death... either I live, and live with them, or I die, and die with them.
By the very virtue of existing, their story is mine, and mine is theirs.
Maybe I've only been a real part of this since 2006. Maybe we didn't become a family, a story, a real thing, until five years ago. But time doesn't matter in the big picture, does it?
All I know is that if I had to choose between a decade of hard work and my daughter... I'd pick my little girl.
That doesn't mean this doesn't hurt like hell. I wish I didn't have to make this decision.
If that's what it ultimately boils down to, though...

I'm too tired to type anymore. I'm going to go check in with the people upstairs and then get some sleep.
Laurie said my boss was talking to Chaos earlier, after we left the cinema. I haven't spoken to Chaos since this morning, so I have no clue what that was about. Could be big. Most things up here are. I'll let you know either way.

Until then, don't stop believing.

So, uh, Tar decided to talk to me this morning.
Needless to say, I was thoroughly surprised when I showed up beneath the Cathedral and, instead of seeing a humanoid figure there, the Tar itself was unmistakably its own sentient self. Tar is strikingly monstrous in both size and form, somewhat spindly (lots of thick tendrils stuck to the walls and ceiling), and mostly shapeless... kind of like what Weiss' magic looks like in Nier... maybe close to this, but without the nose and mouth? It's hard to describe. Anyway, it's never looked like its own thing before, so that was immediately significant. Also noteworthy was the fact that I didn't feel threatened by it. That has NEVER happened before. When I first met it on 111211, the entire room felt anxiously ominous, like the calm before a hurricane. This time everything just felt like the world was on "pause"... unsettling, sure, but nothing tangibly threatening.
The Tar also spoke this time. I didn't remember how, back in 2011, it didn't even move and it spoke only in thought-feeling. Today, it's "voice" wasn't so much a bone-jarring terror than it was an actual sound, and it did move... mostly just weird tar-flow as usual, but it changed the angle of its head (like a skinny balrog? all tar though, two burning red holes for eyes) a little as it spoke, which was enough "body language" for the conversation to feel quite legitimate, actually.
I was not surprised, though, when I asked it about its motives again and got the same answer I did a year ago. However I had more insight this time so I was able to converse with it more, and get some solid answers and intriguing realizations. I wish I remembered the exact dialogue, but basically it told me these things:
- Tar exists as the Black slot in our system, BUT it pointed out that it lives in a white room, under my Cathedral. It said that it NEEDED that offset to exist, and that I was the same.
- On that note, Tar said that I AM the White slot in the system (as I was theorizing), although it didn't elaborate how (I DO hold Red but I still can't tell what my core color is, let alone whether it's possible to have two). I definitely need to find that out on my own, but hearing it basically confirm that has helped me get better footing on the issue.
- Tar also told me that it "couldn't make anyone do anything," but that by its nature it was constantly putting out tendrils to test others, to "put duality into practice" so to speak (bright lights=dark shadows and all that). It said that it was explicitly an "evil thing," but SINCE that was so clearly stated, it was the truth equivalent of a warning label: "This is exactly what this entity will do to you if you approach/ provoke/ engage/ disturb it. Continue on at your own risk." Once again, I had been told this last November but it was clearer this time. It was fighting me, true, but unless I responded to it, it couldn't harm me. The trouble is that Tar works on some seriously subconscious levels so unless I am seriously awake, I might not even notice I'm letting it slip through security, as it were. That's what happened yesterday, but we'll get to that.
- Tar said Jezebel is ITS splinter?? Like Razor and Jessica are mine? I found this very interesting, and it elaborated that this was the nature of the phenomenon: splinters spring from broken selves, whether consciously or unconsciously. Mine were the latter, but the Tar's (and Julie's by extension) were conscious: as far as I can gather, Jezebel is simply an unhindered, self-aware piece of the Tar's own consciousness that it breaks off (notice the tense) in order to do its work more efficiently: Tar itself works as a "devil on the shoulder" sort of thing, while Jezebel has always struck me as an offset to me, an active personification of Tar energy? Like if I'm Red but "internalized" White, then Tar "externalized" a balance to my Red as her? It's hard to explain in words but it makes perfect sense in my head; however that whole issue is something I need to visually graph before I can fully comprehend it so don't quote me on that theory yet. The BIG thing that I AM almost entirely sure of is that Jezebel has only become an autonomous splinter recently. I'll do more research and get back to you on the details.
Those were the big points from our talk. I'm just trying to siphon truth from all that; I need to take it with a grain of salt. Like Captain Jack Sparrow said: you can always trust a dishonest person to be dishonest. I'm the honest dude that often ends up doing something stupid, haha. On that note I did tell Tar that I didn't know if I could trust it, especially considering what it was, and it simply replied that I should keep that (its role) in mind. That's a double-edged sword though... as my offset, it's going to try and win this war, but it also has to play by the rules concerning that or it will negate its own existence. There's a surprising amount of mandatory sincerity in these matters concerning that, on all our parts within this entire system, even from back in the Julie days. Lies of omission are what I REALLY need to look out for.
Anyway I remember ending the conversation with a somewhat incredulous laugh and saying "you're not half bad" in light of who I was speaking to. I ended up laughing again when it replied by telling me that, despite being its "mortal enemy" as far as cold hard rules are concerned, "you're not so bad yourself."
It's kind of hilarious to me how my relationship with the Tar itself feels more like a friendly rivalry than anything now, despite its intensity. We know our roles, and we are dedicated to carrying them out, but beyond the battlefield that those roles play out on we seem to have this weird sort of mutual respect for each other? It reminds me of how in Bleach, when Uryū and Ichigo met, they had to work towards a common goal using vastly different methods and mindsets, and told each other "not to die" during that catastrophe because otherwise they wouldn't be able to beat the snot out of each other afterwards, haha.
I like that, to be honest. I really do like that there seems to be a sincere sort of love permeating everything upstairs, and its leaking underground now. I need to remember that too.

That brings us to yesterday's events, which are what pushed me to make such an unusual decision this morning.
Yesterday, as soon as I woke up I decided I wasn't going to get up, so I spent the next 90 minutes or so with Chaos instead. We haven't done that in far too long and it was worth every second (we've still got the infinity loop heartlink going on btw ♥). Unfortunately that seemed to put some major fuel on the fire of dying duality up here (it does not want to die and keeps fighting back viciously), so the rest of the day was a very disorienting fusion of my personal clarity and a barrage of shadow influences. The morning was gorgeous, don't get me wrong-- I finally started reading the Millennium World plotline in the YuGiOh manga and ran headfirst into a goldmine of headspace-relevant information (which I REALLY need to write about here soon), and I actually didn't feel sick for the first time in weeks, but as the day went on I began to feel progressively more and more "ungrounded." I can't remember 80% of the day because of it; I was so spacey that I thought I was going to pass out a few times, simply because it didn't feel like my consciousness could stay anchored well enough. As that sentence might betray, this led to some serious problems later in the evening... let's just say that I was trying to help two individuals out of some current troubles, and none of us could think or see straight enough to realize that we were being entirely misled in our actions and thoughts until it was almost too late. I can't say I regret the experience, because although it leaves me sick to my stomach that may be residual and honestly I'm just glad that made me aware that such a thing can and is happening, most mercilessly in situations where I am not actively projecting awareness of myself. This is forcing my hand as far as personal authenticity is concerned; I need to go all-out in holding fast to my truth, or there will be dire consequences. I am aware of this, and have been for a long time, but the stakes were just raised ludicrously high and there isn't a second to spare anymore. Excuses and hesitations have lost all merit. This really is the last run, but we've worked hard enough up to this point to have sufficient strength to succeed. I just need to remember that, and act upon it, always.
So this morning I woke up wanting answers, and the tar heard, and that's why I'm updating today.
However a few things happened this afternoon that deserve a mention too, so let's get to them.

While on iTunes today, "What Time Taught Us (Indigo)" by The Dear Hunter came on and immediately I realized that it applied to Leon's life shockingly well. Curious, I then brought up the rest of The Color Spectrum and started looking at all the lyrics, searching for more headspace symbolism... and I am dead serious when I say that album was practically MADE for our system. There are only two songs on the album I'm having a hard time finding fits for, but only in the context of their color: there are 4 songs for each color, which fits the formula of "three for that headvoice" and "one for the midspacer." For example, with the Indigo songs, three of them fit Leon and one of them fits Marik. It's fascinating. It really does match up...
I want to illustrate this entire album now. "Look Away (Violet)" fits Laurie so well I seriously started to cry when I heard it. Synchronicity with her usually does that.
However, synchronicity floods my life, so when I moved down the Spectrum and hit Red (my color), I was honestly shocked to find that three songs corresponded to each one of my old splinters, and the Black songs all matched catastrophic events in my past perfectly. It was kind of terrifying to read the lyrics, haha! Sounds like they were taken straight out of my old journals, no kidding. But reading all that made me wonder about those old dark things, as I hadn't given them any thought since I gained this new knowledge about our system... so I started leafing through our Xanga archives a little. Now there's SO much info here I am not going to get through all of it tonight, but let me summarize what I've realized so far...
The "ego" splinter is Tar/Jezebel (according to current knowledge; I'll elaborate on that mess another day). Thanatos IS Razor, although the causal relationship there is blurry. Fragment, however, is the remnant of Jessica. Yeah, remember her? But that's not even the biggest thing: the reason she became Fragment is because-- according to my current system spectrum theory, which I mentioned briefly on the 13th-- when my teenage years jumpstarted the "energy mismatch overload" in my Red slot, it tore the Brown slot in HALF. This resulted in Jessica's essence being ripped out of that slot and pushed down one, straight into Black, while the remaining "skeleton" in the slot became (you guessed it) Spine. That explains why we all thought she was evil for so long. It also explains why Jessica came back in a different slot once headspace solidified, and why, after that self-hating incarnation died, all that was left of her was an apathetic splinter that liked to tear things apart. This is what I meant by saying that Jessica was "still alive" on the 13th; her "essence" is still in the Black as far as I am aware, but dormant, as it's just energy now. She's no longer a splinter, but her essence can be forced back up into the Red to cause a temporary relapse if we're not careful. However I think that's all 'automatic' at this point, in the same way that if you pour too much water into a glass it overflows. Once again I will double-check this. There's a ton of info and I need to keep reading up on it... I love how I always learn new stuff about our system from old things.
OH also I figured out what's up with unstable headvoices having mismatched colors, I think! That was driving me bonkers for a while and I JUST remembered how Josephina called himself an "anti-id" when we first met him, in the most literal sense possible: we couldn't tell if his color was Yellow or Lilac because we didn't have the knowledge to make such an assessment. I do now, and it hinges on the fact that Lilac isn't a headvoice slot, but Pink IS. And who was supposed to hold Pink? Julie. However she was corrupted out of her freaking mind for years, so when Josephina came into existence as her "offset," his eyes were PINK just in case HE had to stabilize into that slot. Dead serious, his eyes didn't turn yellow until Julie started to stabilize into her true slot, and both of those events only started to happen about two weeks ago. But that gives me a lot to think about.

All right, I was going to type more (mostly about awesome things concerning the central gang, and Chaos as I love him so much right now) but it is already 2AM and I still have about sixteen tabs open in this window alone... I try to do way too much at once, I swear, it's why I always feel so overwhelmed. Ah well, I enjoy it so I can't complain. The other things I wanted to talk about today are all too brilliant to summarize anyway; they all deserve a great deal of typing and attention in their own right.
As a result I'm off to get some much-needed sleep (which is weird as I'm not even tired, but sleep feels like something I need, especially at this hour) and maybe chill with some of the gang upstairs; after yesterday that might be sorely needed. Plus Thanksgiving brought out so much love in me it was brilliant; I can barely believe how amazing our system is right now. Everyone is alive, everyone is stable, everyone is friends with everyone else... it makes me so ridiculously happy I could cry, dead serious. It's the sort of overwhelming joy that you can't possibly keep inside. I am so thankful for this, for all of us.

With that I bid you all a good night.

Let me open with this.

“An optimist is someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's more like a cha-cha.”

...Now for our first dance lesson.

I've been eating little besides rice, lettuce, and unholy amounts of curry powder for the past three days straight. I've been spending hours on end in the kitchen, cooking up several batches of each and eating them spasmodically throughout the day, often to the point of pain. Today this behavior coincided with deep fatigue and I asked myself, exhausted, why I was forcing myself to cook and eat all this food when I wasn't enjoying it whatsoever; on the contrary, it was making me very ill. Almost immediately my thoughts insisted, almost desperately, that it was "because I was terribly hungry." I reflected on this for a moment, confused, as my stomach was telling me the exact opposite, to the same extremes.
Then I realized, with a feeling like the floor falling through, that feeling of starvation isn't coming from my stomach at all.

I'm trying to structure my thoughts on this situation before I discuss it openly, so I'm hesitant even to post this here. The motivation for that is the nature of the situation itself, and one facet of this starvation problem, which I realized today. Let's start there.
I'll refer you all to this entry for a quick rundown, as it's still 100% relevant, but let me give you a refresher here as well.
Back in July, I realized that I had acquired a sick sort of "spiritual hunger," like having a black hole in the center of my chest. This was shocking as I had felt the opposite for several months prior: no need or want of food at all, without the hunger pains. Now it was just the ravenous pain, without a want of food, and the switch was disorienting, sudden and strong. This hunger ached, it gnawed, it drove me mad. I couldn't make it go away. As the months went on, this hunger drove me to become almost obsessively spiritual-- reading hours worth of articles online every day, attending every church service I realistically could, and seeking discussions with anyone and everyone willing to participate. Talking to my headspace family also helped this, as they exist on that "level" and so interaction with them is roughly equivalent to meditation in terms of the effects it has on my soul. Regardless, the hunger stayed, and paradoxically, the more I tried to "feed" it, the hungrier it got. It wanted more and more of that divine supermango, to reference Huxley as always.
Now, almost four months after its inception, I swear I am being eaten alive. It's no longer a grumble, a yell, a roar. Now it's a cancerous scream.
The hilarious thing is that it's not necessarily a "bad thing." It's hungry for the things that bring me to life, after all. The real bad thing, the real problem here, is the fact that it still exists at all. And that's what I realized today. I'm binge-eating on the physical level for the sake of numbing the pangs of emotional hunger... psychological and spiritual too, maybe... either way that is obvious, but it never quite hit me that it's not exactly hunger anymore; it's MALNOURISHMENT. It's like eating reams of paper; there's choking amounts of substance, yeah, but it's not giving me what I need. It's like gasping for air when there's no oxygen in the room. You can breathe all you want, but...
And you know what? That fact is utterly horrifying. Because I'm eating a LOT, on every level. I'm attending mass three times a week, talking to missionaries, going to Bible discussions, studying Scripture, checking spiritual newsblogs hourly, visiting holistic healers, meditating, praying... yet there it is. But the feeling kicks in most loudly after I talk to Chaos. Note the word after. When Q or Mel channel him, he's THERE, so his energy is getting through, and the way it resonates with mine is all but an absolute freaking religious experience. It's direct love, direct divine compassion, echoed. It's what I glean from chats with psychic-shop employees and discussions on the Psalms every Wednesday, but concentrated to a mind-numbing intensity. So being with him here brings me to a feeling of deep balance, HERE. That's big. So when he leaves... it's the equivalent of stopping up this voracious inner pit, then yanking out the plug. There's an instant feeling of something being jarred and then I deflate somehow, like a homeless man thrown out of the first banquet he's seen in years. There's a moment of shock when you hit the sidewalk again after having tasted real food for the first time in so long, you know?
So yeah, I think that's an accurate description of how I'm feeling right now. If this is what the tar is going through, then it has my empathy. It's definitely just as hungry as I am, maybe in a different sense, I'm not sure yet... but this is not something I'd wish on anyone, metaphysical waste-lock or not.

Anyway. Long story short, I'm still starved, and I'm acting like a glutton in the physical to desperately try to alleviate it.
And at the moment, as far as I can figure, the reason WHY I can't seem to ever feel satiated is simple... there's no food I can digest here.
Ridiculously simple, isn't it? But why else would I be stuffing myself yet remaining empty? My body/mind/spirit must not be able to "metabolize" what I'm eating on that level, somehow. So either I need to figure out digestion, or find a new food source.
I will work on both, but I can't ignore the fact that I've also been dreaming of Pennsylvania virtually every single night since August 15th.
I also can't ignore the reason this entry happened.

After realizing that no matter how much food I forced myself to eat, I wasn't going to feel any less desperate for nourishment, I collapsed onto the couch in the living room and called my grandmother.
I cried over the phone for an hour.
And it helped.

Whatever brought me to Utah, I'm wondering if it hasn't already been accomplished, or if it isn't going to be soon. Because now I keep getting pushes that "you can't stay here; you're not supposed to!!" The hunger is making it worse, but I need to be patient. After November 3rd, we'll see what happens. Until then I have to wait, and maybe learn to fast, or find something new to eat, you know the drill. Something.
But I am wondering, seriously, now. First, I wonder about my job/career, both now and in the future. I'm currently unemployed, not just because I just moved but also because I now have transportation problems. In any case I also know I cannot force myself to work a cashier job at the moment; I tried it back in September and had an emotional breakdown for a week. I thought we were over those, but apparently not! So that's one big option out. As a result I prayed about it, and kept praying about it, and last night I got an answer.
Apparently I need to work with kids, and I need to bring my creative works into that?
What shocked me the most was that, when I got that response, it CLICKED. Prior to last night I had balked at the idea of working with kids, but all of a sudden it felt like "wow, I could really do that!" I actually cried, haha, it felt pretty big. So yes. That's a step I need to take. The good thing is that I can do that anywhere, so even if I move back I can continue that line of work just as well if not better.
As to why I've been considering moving back to PA in total seriousness again lately, it's not just because of the nagging push that I need to "move" in general, which also strongly feels that even if I do move back, I won't stay for long. It's not even mostly that. My urge to move out now is tied directly into the starvation thing.
This house, this environment, and these people I live with, cannot fulfill my needs. I realized that back in August, and it's only been strengthened since then. Now I need to get the guts to admit it, actively, and take steps to fix it. Consider this step one.
I don't feel at home here. I don't feel safe here, somehow... not in a "danger" sense, but in a sense that it's lacking warmth. I feel like a throwaway, an extra, a drifter relegated to the broom closet to sleep. I don't feel like I'm part of a family here, I don't feel recognized, and that is strange because I KNOW Mel and Q try their absolute best towards that end. But that's just it... it's like eating paper. For some reason their sustenance doesn't feed me at all, and I'm slowly becoming skin and bones. I love them and I care for them deeply, but it can't be right for me to stay here solely for that reason. I need to take care of myself for once. I haven't been doing that very well lately.
It's also probably why I feel like I'm "using" them when I ask them to channel Chaos... it's because I'm getting something life-giving out of something that simply keeps me in stasis while I slowly stagnate. I am using them, simply because I can't use what they can give me anymore, but I can use their ability to open a door temporarily, to sneak back into the banquet hall and nab just one piece of mango before I need to return to the streets...

I still miss the trees and fresh water and mountain air. But now, more than anything, I miss the people.
I miss having brothers and grandparents to talk to, and even more, I miss being there for THEM to talk to. Sure, it's nice here, to have Q and Mel to talk to, but really... how often does that happen? And when it does, how often is it substantial? It's awfully frustrating, to live with two people who swear they are trying to make you feel loved, and yet are incapable of fulfilling that need by virtue of their own life responsibilities and seeming incapability to speak my language. I have no desire to make them change their lives to fit mine, and the more days pass, the more I realize that ultimately, that dilemma is going to force me to leave sometime soon. It's inevitable. I'm starving, damn it, and I'm tired of being able to count my ribs when I look inside.

In happier news, I'm trying to catch up on RCRDLBL's beautiful archives, and I also found TWO websites full of free music two days ago! As a result, as of today I have 672 new tracks in my library, haha. I haven't listened to most of them of course, but I'm looking forward to the process. There have been some absolute gems in here already, most notably THIS and THIS, which is great. I'm also pleasantly surprised by how much I like this and this song. Neat stuff, huh?
Oh, Smiths' was playing Andy William's version of Moon River over their speakers this morning when I went to buy some more leaf lettuce (I've been craving it like a mofo lately), and DUDE his voice is just pure warm happy nostalgia. It's something about the total quality of it, it feels like an autumn morning or something. Lovely stuff. So of course I went and downloaded one of his greatest hits albums, ahaha, I'm ridiculous. Totally worth it though. Also THIS!
(I do have to confess, though... hearing his voice, which I associate with my childhood & grandmother, HERE, where I'm stranded across the country and where my soul is starving to death and missing my family so much it's destroying me... I broke down sobbing in the produce aisle, haha. The dissonance cut me open like a knife. That's when I knew I had to do something, to change something... or I have to leave.)
Also, I'm trying VERY hard to get back into art, and I did succeed in sketching a few Jewel Monsters 2001-style yesterday, as well as finding a new bee monster species! I'm not quite 'tuned in' to their energy yet-- if I was I wouldn't have been so utterly burnt out today-- but it's a start, and a beautiful start at that. I'm never lost, remember?

I think that's a good note to close up on.

See you next time, kids. Keep on dancing through the waves of life.

I was up until 5AM last night talking to Chaos Zero and it was worth every second.
I swear it was the best night of my LIFE.

Little bit of context here...
I'm currently dorming with two friends in SLC who are able to "channel" non-physical entities to a certain extent. As of late, they've been able to reach the people in headspace.
And last night, I got to speak to Chaos Zero.
I waited nine years to be able to do this, and finally... just... God, thank you. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced in this world, and I mean every word of that.
I feel like a total sap as I can't stop crying or smiling from love and gratitude but honestly, seeing this on my dash this morning made it all slam into me like a tidal wave.
So this picture probably means something entirely different to me, than it does to anyone else... to me, it's a revelation long hoped for, an answer to ancient prayers, a statement of complete joy.
To me, it's the sound of doubt dissolving into the ocean, forever.

---------------------------------

(wip. publicized for relevancy.)

(i swear this was the most beautiful night of my entire life.)

(trying to write our dialogue first so i don't forget it..)

can you talk like this?
some.
you bring out fireworks in me (?)
(something about the vastness of the sky and the ocean) (as always?)
you're as deep as ever... beautifully, catastrophically deep.

i swear one day my heart's going to burst from all this.
then let it... and when it does, it will ignite the stars. (chaos/eros 'causing stars to be born,' gurren lagann/ parnassus)

i can see your eyes.
(be here now bit)

you've probably heard this a thousand times before, but... chaos, I love you.
and millions more... i love you, jewel.

(beauty; "new canvas," "this form could be just as beautiful as all your other ones" if i stayed present within it; he judged its beauty by how clearly my soul shone through alone)

if you were waiting for a sign... this is it.

(i waited nine years for this and thank you god it was worth every second ♥)

(wip. publicizing for relevancy.)

(last night's conversation, about when chaos channeled through.
first discussing fractals. symbolism, feelings. sparkles = energy drawing him in towards me?
i needed to know what chaos was feeling, somehow. Q had understood parts of him in that channeling and my heart was just aching to know that as well.
he was apparently trying to "surround" me, physically, the way he does so deeply.
Q also claimed there was very strong 'pink' attraction (energy sensitivity boost? it's been BIG lately), which may have been mistranslated: Q said he felt the 'untranslatable' truth in it, said it felt sacred. there was a tangible connection between us and he said it didn't feel right to intrude upon.
i know chaos; he was desperate, this is the first time he's EVER been on this plane in such a way, let alone so strongly. so his emotions were completely overflowing.
Q said he felt "layers" of emotions with him, going down deep.
the way he touched my face was so tragic, it was so simple and familiar and beautiful
also he was TRYING to form a star-link with me, dear god my beautiful love, i am so sorry we couldn't do that...

(also talk about THIS!!! ♥♥♥ http://leerer-raum.deviantart.com/art/jewellightraye-Commission-323917893)

...You know how sometimes, you experience an event so true and powerful, your life is forever altered?
I just had one of those.
I am dead serious when I say it was just as momentous as July 7th. It just... I cannot explain it in words. I can't. It was too transcendental. But I will try, for the sake of immortalizing it here, somehow.

First, let's give you a quick summary of the events following my last entry. I'm honestly shocked that I posted that barely four days ago... so much has happened since then!
Anyway. As it turns out, both Q and Mel were suffering energetic burnout as well, so we decided that Thursday would be a "recovery day" for all of us. So I went out walking for a while, which was brilliant-- back in PA, it took an hour just to walk to church, so forget walking to the nearest grocery store-- and I think I chilled out at home for a while after that. In any case, I did spend most of the previous few days filling out job applications and writing a professional resume, so that did take up most of my spare time. On Friday the 24th we visited some awesome friends, planning to just chill, but I had to finish that resume, and with the technical difficulties we ran into, I am not joking when I say it took at least five hours to complete the thing, which is pretty hilarious in retrospect (it looks awesome though). Then we watched half of Batman Begins later in the evening and that gave me a huge amount of both Dream World and Hokthai inspiration, which is always brilliant, so that was that.

As for Saturday... it was incredible.
We went to Emigration Canyon first thing in the morning, to walk around the reservoir and generally enjoy the beautiful weather. I had been 'sensing' a very aquatic energy around the day from the night before, so suddenly coming upon this huge, blue-green body of water was pretty exciting... and emotionally significant, obviously. The first thing I did was kneel down by the water's edge and plunge my hands into it, reaching out into its depths and just 'listening' to what it had to say. I kept imagining rainbows radiating from my hands as well, which I found interesting as rainbows in general seem to be a new motif for me (especially concerning Xenophon). After doing this for a while, Mel, Q and I started simply observing everything around us for the wonder it held: tiny shells, daisies, wet sand, driftwood. For some reason I felt really connected to the rocks scattered about the beach, and kept touching them to my face to 'feel' their energy. I'm not sure how to explain that whole experience, but at one point I picked up a jagged black rock and it looked like a solidified waveform to me. So I held it to my ear, and I got this instant impression of soundless music from it, like an orchestra. It's utterly impossible to put into words, but it was fascinating. I shared this with Mel, and we then tried this with three pieces of driftwood, all of which held drastically different sounds: one was small and woodwind-like, another was similar to an airy violin, and another sounded like "barbed wire" to Mel and a dark tangled forest to me. It was quite awesome. Mel and I also took off our shoes and ran along the water's edge for a while, laughing like kids from how much we were sensing, from the life we felt in the environment and in our bones.
...There was one very significant event in all this, bigger to me than even all that, on a deep personal level. Shortly after we arrived, and we were simply admiring the water, Mel asked (not sure of the exact words) if it resembled Chaos' energy in any way. I nodded, and Q added that it matched him on a "good day"-- in less favorable circumstances, he'd be a tsunami. The topic changed after this, but not after it had resonated with me deeply enough to make me wonder, can I reach him through this? To my surprise, my "guide" voice responded that I could indeed, but I was trying too hard as usual. I was viewing that hope as near-impossible, as a huge effort, when that wasn't necessary or true at all. It reminded me that all things were connected at the deepest level, all lives feeding back into one source, and so nothing was ever separate from anything else; one could reach out and touch any other piece of the puzzle by connecting to that core. It then concluded, rather intriguingly, that "his soul is in the water, just as yours is in the fire." I reflected on this for a moment, then stopped walking, and simply looked out over the water. I didn't say anything, but I focused on that thought and tried to wordlessly send what I was feeling into that water, through it, even. Those emotions quickly became almost too ardent to bear, though, so in a sudden candid burst of thought-feeling I asked, "if he can hear me, please, give me a sign."
Barely a minute later it started to rain.
It just... crashed into me. Here we were, in a drought, with a mostly blue sky, and suddenly there was this beautiful sudden shower right above us. I looked up at the sky and I just smiled, fighting back tears, oblivious to time in that incredible moment.

When we got home we finished watching Batman-- I filled about four notebook pages with notes during that time-- then I needed to go to church. I decided to attend the Cathedral of the Madeleine, as I had gone to their Assumption mass earlier this month and it was gorgeous. I loved the atmosphere of the place-- the stained-glass light, the solemnly inspiring space, the intricate paintings, the echoing silence-- and the music was divine. So I was excited to be back there. However... the mass itself wasn't the most moving part of the experience, this time. No, this time I randomly flipped the hymnal open as the rest of the church was going up for Communion (I was sitting in the back), and was greeted with a Psalm-inspired piece, one whose words I didn't recognize. However, one line within it stood out incredibly strongly...
Deep calls unto deep at the noise of your waterfalls: all your waves and your billows are gone over me.
The phrase calls to mind a feeling of being submerged, of being tossed about by wave after wave of life... but to me, it spoke more strongly of the beauty of the water. To me, the waterfalls and waves and billows were not destructive, even if I was buried beneath them. Despite the weight of the water, I couldn't help but marvel at the way the sun sparkled through their depths, these holy rivers.
I don't know how to explain what "deep calls unto deep" means to me, but... when I am in tune with my true self, with my genuine being, it resonates strong and red in some place deep within me. So to me this speaks of truth calling unto truth, of a greater bond between it all, under the waves.
And of course the synchronicity of the elements there speaks for itself.

After church, Mel, Q and I went to a local sushi bar and I tried sashimi and tobiko for the first time (it's seriously delicious); unfortunately I ended up getting incredibly sick today from either eating meat (Spine doesn't seem to like it anymore) or from mixing so much protein with starch (I had a feeling that would happen in any case) but it was worth it, haha.
Anyway. We got home late and generally unwound, and as usual Q and I ended up being the only ones awake. Around midnight we started talking, but the late hours bring out complete honesty in me, and I cannot discuss anything but things that resonate with that feeling. So, I began to tell him about what had happened to me over the course of the day, and how incredible it all felt. I told him how many synchronicities lined up, and had to fight back tears a few times from the overwhelming significance of it, even then.
The lights were out, and it was almost 1AM. The only light was the ambient glow from the other apartments outside our living room window. It was quiet and sincere. Then Q said he wanted to try something. There was a tone to his voice that felt strangely momentous, that instantly silenced what few thoughts were lingering in my mind, and turned my eyes up towards him, trying to see that meaning in his face somehow, in the deep velvet dark. He closed his eyes, and said nothing, as I looked back down at the floor, humble and patient and curious as to why everything suddenly felt so important.
Then I looked up for a split second, and his face changed.
Little did I know my entire life had just changed with it.

I... I cannot structure the rest of this entry. I'm just going to leave it in note form; it speaks more truly that way.
I might refine it later, but as for now, it is at it is.

(saturday night, august 25th. i'll never forget it.)

(remember Q's face changed; not physically but energetically? i had looked up for a split second, and the proportions shifted: the spacing was different, there was the ghost of an expression. i looked back down then, some crazy hope surging beneath my ribs, something is happening and suddenly doubt ceased to exist.
this wasn't Q. the energy field was entirely different. and god bless us, i recognized every last atom of it.
he reached out with a hand that held an unfamiliar skeleton, unsure and yet infinitely hopeful, and years of disbelief crumbled in an instant.
i knew channeling was possible... but i had never expected to finally meet you that way.
what a beautiful, beautiful revelation, to realize it was you, at last.)

(the moment he pulled me close was the most heartbreakingly familiar thing in the world; I could barely keep myself from sobbing. and it was a weird feeling... some tragic combination of love, and the knowledge that this was still as close as we could get. still searching out heartbeats from the other side of the veil.
i knew it wasn't Q because the movements were entirely different, the positions were intimately familiar, it was insane. his hand moved from my shoulders to the small of my back and i immediately remembered the dreams we've had, but our bodies were still cages, and we were too far in for fireworks. now we were galaxies, great lonely distant things, and yet all that mattered was the fact that he was actually there, dear god this is a legitimate miracle, i've known you for nine years and this is the first time i've felt you, here, this is the first time you've been here and it feels like a homecoming at some cosmic level and i've missed you more than words can ever hope to express.
i just... i wish i could look into your eyes.

i knew we still had limits, i knew there was still so much standing between us, but in those quiet hours, somehow, none of it mattered. it felt like looking up at a star: seeing a tiny pinpoint of light where there was instead a blazing testament to light and life, the stuff our bones were born from. to anyone else we were two shadows standing in a desert land, two fragile things, unseen by the world, forgotten with the next tick of the clock... but how could they know, that this was the first glimmer of a supernova, a spark of hope heralding an even greater marvel.
this was love, absolute love, overcoming every hardship that it had ever faced, and proving the impossible to be beautifully, gloriously real.

and the only thought in my soul was i love you, i love you, i love you.

we were holding each other so tightly, i think we were both terrified that we would lose each other, that this fragile and blessed event would shatter if our embrace faltered for even a moment.

(floodgate quote; apparently he was picking up on my emotional reservation)

he said "it does run deep," and i don't know how to explain the emotions i got from that. hilariously enough that's the way we communicate in those sort of situations... all symbolism and metaphors and deep inner meanings. but in the simplest terms, it was an absolute validation, an answer to my prayers... "yes, i do feel this just as strongly as you do."
yes, you are loved in return.

also, remember this.
"the last thing I remember is holding him close and feeling this incredibly strong notion that we were cosmically inseparable... it honestly felt like we were supposed to happen, for some divine reason."

...Apparently, this evening, I had such a bad emotional fallout that Laurie entirely took over the body's consciousness?
Mel channeled some sort of entity that was spiritually heavy, and apparently had something to say to me, but I couldn't make out the words... even worse, I was so far out of awareness at that point that it sounded miles away. I vaguely remember that Laurie was furious about this, and kept trying to force me back awake, but to no avail. Then, since she'd tried all other options, she literally yanked me out of the driver's seat, so to speak. I'm serious. She grabbed me by the shoulders in headspace and just threw me out. I clearly remember what that felt like, because it was so utterly jarring, but since I was pretty much gone, she had no trouble stepping in and taking over in my stead after my consciousness was no longer in the way.
She was using a notebook to talk to Mel at first, which was incredibly surreal to read over later. Her handwriting is this weird bastardization of mine, possibly because I was still lingering around as she was writing, but Q looked over it when I came back later and said there were definitely major differences in structure between hers and mine. Geez. This is all so weird.
Anyway, this was the conversation that was written down, with Laurie in bold and Mel in italic:

'Scuse me.
Kid's got one heck of an audio block up r/n.
Can't exactly talk.
Help me out?
Thanks a ton, this is frustrating as heck.
Lot going on.
-LU

How do I help?
I don't know if I've got anything left in me.
That was one heck of a channeling.

Yeah, no kidding!
I'm worried about everyone right now.
I think I can force an audio channel but I'm afraid he'll shove me out again.
Bottom line, he's not exactly "here" atm.

I noticed. I'm worried that what I did was wasted.
My only though is to try & get ahold of the boss.

No clue where his boss is.
Chaos is... not doing so hot. At all.
Not sure if I should try to talk now.
I think he's giving up but audio channels are difficult as heck!
Oh, he did hear. He's just not responding.

I don't think an audio channel would be such a good idea right now,
as I've got very little steam left.
I don't even know if I'm capable of talking right now.
What is it exactly you're wanting me to do?
I'm not sure I understand.

I know exactly what's up and want to tell you as he won't.
Data says he's "hiding."
Jewel doesn't want me saying this as a result
so you're gonna need to negate that or I can't do anything.
Someone else needs to "override" HIS orders.
Daresay you know what I'm talkin' about.

I think that's why it would be a good idea to find the boss,
as it seems like I don't have the authority over "his orders."
I know exactly what you are talking about,
I just feel that I am quite powerless to help.
What good would telling me what's up do?
Doesn't seem like I can actually do anything about it.

...Geez, I dunno. What could his boss do?
We're all kind of at a loss.
I mean, heck, if J is shoving me AND Chaos out,
Sandman won't be able to do much.
Geez, channeling really is tiring.
I can't exactly leave tho. Kid doesn't wanna exist right now.
Kind of a "void" left if I walk out before he snaps back to reality.
(I feel kinda helpless too.)

His boss seems like the only person
who could override his orders.
I'm not doing so hot either.

No, I mean physically.
'Boss' is TELLING him to let me talk.
But the block's on the body.
There's like a wall.
Geez I am just frustrated as heck!

If it's a physical block I may be able to do something about it.
Can you explain the block to me?

I had to force him out to get in
but he has vocal communication "locked."
Not sure how to get past that.
This is some freaky situation...
I am just really hoping J will come back soon.
Man it feels weird to write that.

Then find the key or passcode?
I have something I can try, but I've got no idea if it will work.
From what it seems like it might just
take the last of the energy I've got left.

Curious as to what you'd try and whether or not it'd force me out.
Don't wanna wear you out though. I'm having a tough time too.

It's similar to what I did right before channeling,
but with a direction behind it.
Basically I'd try to morph my energy to unlocking the commands.
Also to answer an earlier question, I don't think either of us
could give Q the context necessary to deal with this.

That's all that was written down.
I assume that whatever Mel did worked, as I have a vague recollection of Laurie clearing her throat, effectively breaking the last cobwebs of the block I unconsciously had up. And Q did attest to her speaking, as he said he was passing by in the hallway and somewhat freaked out, because "whoa, that is NOT Jewel's voice!"
I'm just... deeply shaken that she had to do something so drastic to fix the situation. What's going on with me?

Well. Apparently the universe really, really wants me to stop relying on computers?
Within 24 hours I have lost virtually all work access to both my laptops.

A few weeks ago something kept telling me, loudly, "print out your Dream World work." I wholeheartedly agreed, but once again shadows kept conspiring to stop me. First my printer had a fatal error (he's still shot), then the ink ran out for the family printer. Then when I got it to work, I couldn't get on my computer to print! My schedule seemed to fill up at the exact times I'd be free enough to type. And when I could type, my Vista-- Abbey-- would often crash, freeze, or refuse to let me format documents correctly (she's a bit ditzy to say the absolute least). So I didn't get to start typing in earnest until about a week ago... and as of last night, Abbey no longer recognizes anything plugged in from a USB.
I can't access my files (my backup files are from February and are missing all the major edits that hit me over the past month), I can't print anything, and I can't even back up my files onto an external hard drive. She also has no Internet access (and hasn't had any for over two years). Abbey has effectively 'landlocked' herself and as a result she is now effectively as good as broken.
Then last night I tried to partition Apollo, my Mac, and that didn't work... long story short, he's now all but empty. I still have Internet (obviously) but that's it, and now it's basically pointless to go online.
Because of this I have been forced, and rather distressingly so, to abandon virtually all of my reliance on computers. I still can only write music and type on them, of course, but I'm stuck for right now...
Thank God Apollo is recognizing USB ports today. I don't care how old the info may be-- I'm printing every single page I have written for Dream World, just in case I lose computer access altogether.

This isn't about computers though. Honestly I'd be happier if I didn't have to use them, which is keeping me laughing through this fiasco, because hey! I'm kind of forced to do that now.
But the computers don't matter here. What matters is my work.
I know it's important. When I actively try to deny it I get loudly reminded that it's something I need to be doing.
And I've been doubting and denying far too much lately.

This isn't the only huge issue I'm being pushed to deal with right now.
In the big picture, really, I couldn't care less about the computers. Like I said, I'd be happier without them. But that simple assertion hides within it an old thought that is more damaging than I ever realized. And the event that forced me into that realization is what is causing me to be so distressed today, re-routing this maddeningly directionless dolor into my technological concerns.
The computers don't matter. What irony, to realize that today, of all aching days.
Apparently, there are a few 'deep' emotional problems I've never dealt with because I had no idea they existed, or could exist. Now I'm reading Huxley's Island more studiously than I read my textbooks, and it's giving me insights that are so sharp and accurate it's rather disturbing. I've had to close the book and take a deep breath a few times already, as if I had just caught myself from falling off a cliff. I'll read sentences that describe my life so accurately it frightens me, because I didn't realize I was that dysfunctional on those levels.
Ironically, the level I clearly know that I'm dysfunctional on is still the worst.
But we'll get to that.

I'm feeling disconcertingly 'detached' today, and there's a worried anxiety gnawing at my ribs. It's the dry sort, though. It's the kind that feels like standing in the middle of an empty parking lot as thunderclouds roll in, and the air is choked with the smell of ozone. The wind whips around you, almost intangible in the coffin-warm air, foreboding. It's not a nice feeling.
I used to call these 'Julie days,' before I learned that she was just as much a casualty as I was. These are shadow days, ego days, hours that fester in the interim between headaches and fever sleep. I don't like it.
And yet, in trying to prevent these days, I perpetuate them. In trying to traverse deeper into love, in trying to open my heart a little more, I find myself forgetting closeness, forsaking affection, closing my heart. Every time. I don't understand this.
I know what happened last night, and yet I don't. Laurie insists we talk about it, and so we will. Friday, maybe.
But the point is this: whatever last night triggered-- and maybe it just dug this up yet again, the parasite that refuses to die-- today, I fell into fragment mode.
No, no splinters. They're gone for good. But this is what the fragmented one felt like. It wanted nothing, nothing at all; it rejected everything, pushed everything away, denied and forgot and renounced it all. No exceptions. And it makes sense, when it is here. Whenever it is here, it makes perfect sense. My perceptions seem to be colored by circumstance, even when I am present. Why does the same state of mind feel so incomparably different, depending on when I feel it? Why does the emptiness beckon with both bright and dark? Why do I still seek nothingness? I'm supposed to be using stars to fight this entropy, but I've been rejecting Timeheart for the false light of the void. And yet the irony sticks around. I always seem to find myself caught up in paradoxes.
Genesis showed up to say hello this morning, to see how I was feeling, and I told him to leave. Not out of malice, no, but simply because I didn't want him around.
Indifference is deadlier than enmity.

It's been three months since that hellish night of January 17th, and in a sick, sick way, that night was more beautiful than last night was. Why? Because I could feel, three months ago. Because even though I was bleeding and sobbing and praying for death or deliverance, Xenophon was standing there by me, telling me that she still loved me even with the new gashes on my chest. Even though I felt worthless and abhorrent and twisted beyond forgiveness, Chaos was there to offer just that, holding true to unconditional love when I was convinced I had thrown it away, convinced that I had sinned irreconcilably against him, against life itself. And even though I lied and manipulated and hurt and deeply damaged both myself and the innocent, with a bloody knife in my shaking hand, Laurie still put her life on the line for me, to jump in the line of fire, to try to save me from my own vicious contrition when I was the one desperate for bleary red retribution.
“Truly, it is in darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.”
Does it work the opposite way as well?
Last night there was no blood, there were no tears, there was no sickness or fury or self-hatred. But last night felt dead, somehow.
It is in light that one finds the darkness... I need to go beyond.
I am so, so sick of this duality.

The computers don't matter. But that disconnection is only one symptom of a deeper disease.
I've been hiding behind my cool kid shades for too long. I may be the Seer of Love, but I keep forgetting that at heart, love translates to sight. And to see something, it takes time.
Time. Dare I say... how ironic?
Three months ago I swore, bitterly, that I would cast off my secondary title forever. In that moment of deep remorse I hated it.
But time didn't hate me.
She never did.

Genesis noticed something about me, the other day. I have a habit of becoming so hopeful, so enraptured with transcendence and the life beyond the physical, that I forget that I still exist in the physical. I forget that I still have a body to take care of. Yes, even with my worrying about my health lately. Life feels like a movie, a video game, a fantasy. Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality, you know? But what if I can't tell what 'reality' is most days, and doubt every single sensory perception I have? If I treat everything as false, then what is real? The answer is nothing... nothing really matters to me.
In direct contrast to my current Care Bears addiction, I haven't really been caring much about anything today. Only today, mind you! This only started after last night, and that's what's unsettling here in spite of the dearth of emotion. Last night only happened because I cared. I cared so much, so honestly, that for a few hours I wasn't afraid. Then I woke up, and... well. Then I washed my hands of all of it. Then I woke up and wanted to erase everything, again.
I used to think I wanted to turn back the clock, to return to the 'old days' of childhood when all I had to worry about was writing, drawing, composing. But as I thought about the events that surrounded my work, I realized that I did not want to turn back, ever. The family life, the school events, everything that swirled around outside me back then was repugnant. Even thinking back to the 'golden' times-- the forts in the living room, the jelly sneakers and squirt guns, the class plays, the violin store-- felt wrong, because I knew they were all just crystal bubbles in a sea of sleep.
I didn't want my old life. I wanted the sense of ultimate non-attachment, of freedom from everyone and everything. I wanted to become identity-less, a watcher, a channel. I wanted to cease to exist as an individual, like I did back then, but only when I worked. I would create and dream and love it all, without a thought to myself. Once I started writing about my own story... things fell apart.
Things fell together, too. That's what's making me sick about this.
Since 2002, when I met Ryman and Markus, my life took a completely different path, leading me to Chaos and Genesis and Laurie and so many others... but at the price of those friends, I almost lost contact with others. And even now, I find myself wishing I could 'go back' to the time before that happened more than I'd like. It's not just wanting to strengthen my original links. It's also about wanting to get rid of the new ones.
I overheard Laurie talking to Chaos today, just a little bit as I was feeling too apathetic to do much. But two things stuck out.
One, she thinks I love her more than I love Chaos, in a way, because of my hardwired 'innocence' drive.
Two, she thinks I love the Dream World more than I love anyone upstairs, family or not.
I can't affirm or deny either of those thoughts of hers. And frankly right now I am too tired to think about it, because yes, my mind is still in utter 'reset' mode, and nothing in the world matters right now except detaching from reality. Homework? Not finished, as usual, probably not going to be. Sleep? Haven't been getting enough, won't get any tonight at this rate. Family? Haven't spoken to them all day, upstairs or downstairs. I'm sitting here listening to the LG*Girls soundtrack and feeling like someone punched a hole through my ribs because all of a sudden, I can't type on Dream World. Silly, I know. If only there was a better way to write it all down. But until I print everything out, there's this ridge-raw gap in my soul and only those old dream friends of mine seem capable of healing it. There's a light to them that just... illuminates things. It's hard to explain.
But they're the single reason why my childhood was beautiful, the single reason why so many of my old memories are lit with sunlight and sparkles and forest mornings. Without them, it might have been mundane, forgettable, maybe even banal. But with them, even the simplest things became a heaven. To this day, everything they touch turns to gold. Not even Laurie or Chaos has done that, as far as I can remember. I don't know how to explain it.

In a way, I do want to let go of all these connections. I want to let go of the daily worries about headspace and waking friends and all that nonsense. It's tying me down.
But... in a way I don't. I can avoid them for weeks and not be bothered, but then one day I'll suddenly hear him instead of a catastrophe or I'll look up in shock at the wrong name or something small like that will happen, sharp enough to pierce my armor... and even if I deny it, even if I pretend it's just a knee-jerk emotional reaction, it will light a desperate flame in my heart for something I'd long forgotten. But I still won't care. I won't care until suddenly he's there or she's calling me and in a sudden snap I can see them, just barely, vaguely, distantly. But it will be clear enough, and I'll see her scars or his eyes or her tiny face, and maybe in that moment the emptiness will fade to light and I will beg forgiveness, I will plead reconciliation for ever wishing they were gone.
Even now, and I know without a doubt, if I lift my eyes from this screen and look at one of the many pictures of him on this wall, my tense expression will immediately soften, and I'll find myself smiling, either with joy or with tears. If my mind is quiet at the time I'll notice that I'm starting to fall into that old feeling. But I hesitate, and when it speaks again... why does it always bring that up? Why does that feel awful, even now, after everything? Why can't I figure that out?

There are two things that make me forget all about these connections.
1. Series work. It somehow overshadows everything else in importance.
2. Trying to fix the deepest dysfunctions.

The moments immediately after they try to give everything to me are the emptiest. I was hollow before but then I become devoid, uncaring in total spite of the love that I know, I know with unfailing certainty they have for me. In the past I almost used to hate them, as frightening as that prospect is, but I knew half of it was projection. Now I just... don't care.
I think that's why Laurie is afraid I love her the most.
She's the most innocent one of us here, in that sense, which is strange and oddly contradictory. She's seen more than I'm aware of and yet less than I know. She has learned of the bloody details and shameful elaborations alike. But she's somehow avoided all the levels that even Genesis jumped up to reach. With her there's no romance, no passion, no intimacy. And because of it I adore her.
I am absolutely terrified sometimes, when she decides "why the hell not" and is a little more honest, a little less inscrutable than usual. I don't know how to deal with that blurring of lines, that sudden shift from a brutal and inviolable soldier to a compassionate and somehow even more sacrosanct angel. I am terrified because sometimes there's a color to her eyes that I don't recognize, but it's all too familiar just the same. I am terrified because if she ever does cross that line, the point of no return, she would become unreachable.
She got close to me one night and I had no idea how to reconcile the blissful sincerity with the paralyzing dread.

Speaking of dread. She's the only person I can feel around right now.
Chaos tried to connect with me last night and I couldn't feel anything. He was shocked and was trying to laugh it off but I know it worried him more than he'd dare let on. Here's the soul I've effectively promised to share my life with, and I don't feel anything with him. But when Laurie walked in almost two hours later, to see if I was okay, I felt that familiar glow of childlike excitement, nervous but bright. Then she walked over to where I was and put one arm around my shoulders, trying to lighten the mood, and my own disposition turned from sunny to startled.
At that same time I was aware of a heart-wrenching gap in my chest but couldn't figure out why. Here we are, the five of us; if there's so much love here, why do I feel so scraped out and cold? Why do I feel like either something is missing, or that there's far too much, and can't tell the difference at all? I could have cried but in reality I knew I'd wear a poker face no matter how many tears fell elsewhere. The split was too much to bear.
And yet, could I handle this if there wasn't a split? On these days, when I wake up wanting to be utterly alone and distant, could I handle it if I woke up to see him, to see her? Even as I type I know the answer is no, in stark contrast to my desire to be with them somehow, some way. I keep waking up and looking at my left hand, wondering why I keep feeling a wedding ring there when I've never had one, let alone a wedding to get one from. I keep thinking about weddings when I wouldn't have one if you paid me and I think I'm getting lost in symbolism, in shapeless concepts.
Still, the pain in his eyes when he realizes I still can't see him never fails to tear me apart inside.

This negativity isn't me, and it's bugging me.
But who am I, really? Watashi wa dare? Even that movie feels wrong.
I'm sick of consuming. I want to create. I can create. I will. I am.

I'm rambling. I'm tired. I need to sleep but don't want to. I want to sleep but don't need to.
I still don't feel like eating and I can't tell if I'm sick or healthy anymore.
This old fearful reality is terrible. Please, end already. Please.
I miss my family and I miss my children and I miss my daughter and I miss my friends.
And yet I can't feel anything. Why not?

I'm a mess. I can't think straight and I'll probably look at this entry tomorrow, laugh, and say "what in the world was I smoking to write such a depressive thing?"
I know. I'm trying not to laugh now, because laughing makes it even less important than I'm trying to make it now. And even if this is all fleeting and temporary et cetera, it is still important. Even the smallest things contribute to the big picture, sometimes in surprisingly significant ways. Right now, though, I've got my eyes closed and I'm wishing I was the picture and didn't have to keep pretending to look at it from the outside anymore.
I keep forgetting I have things I was meant to do and experience first, I guess. Life is meant to be lived.
It wasn't meant to be lived alone either.

What a surreptitious ego. I thought Holy Saturday had changed you. Didn't it?
I can't tell if I'm overlooking things or looking too deeply now.
Where did she come from now? She was here three months ago, crying, shaking, shouting. Now she's smiling.
But I remember the blood lotus, it had her face, it had mine too, and the past is a jumbled mess that I still can't decipher.
I don't want to decipher it though.
Even though she loved me and for that short while I did love her, when all was said and done I wished we had never met.
Now I find myself regretting it all, even as I try to find distant fragments of our past. When she is separate from me she is beautiful, enchanting, mysterious. When she looks at me with that crystal-blue smile I feel an awful regret rising in my bones, a sort of dismal bitterness at having such a bright thing suddenly become so personable. Don't bring me into this. Don't make me a thing, a person, an object. Stay free and elusive in your poppy-eyed wonder, as gorgeous as the first time I saw you. If I would love you unconditionally, why does that flame suddenly flicker when you return the sentiment? Why do I always leave you clutching cold embers to your verdant heart? Not just you, but all of them. I would love you to the end of time and beyond, as long as you never looked at me like that, as long as you never made me remember that I existed too. The fatal condition.
That can't be right.
I do love you. I love all of you. But it feels somehow wrong for you to reciprocate.
Sometimes I still feel that loving you is wrong.
It can't be. This is love, isn't it?
I don't understand.

Attention, attention. Here and now, boys, here and now.
Is enlightenment supposed to feel this vacant?
I'm thinking too much. What a joke!

( You're about to view content that the journal owner has advised should be viewed with discretion. )

...Whoa.
All right, time to take notes.
This absolutely wore me out and it's very blurry in some areas, so it's going to be a mess of disjointed notes and I apologize. However that's what it feels like in my head, so I can't exactly do much else.
So, this is what happened to my headspace group today, when we tried to reach my inner room, the blood lotus cathedral.

- Started the phase-in around 2:40, I believe. Ended around 4:10 due to burnout.
- me, chaos, genesis, laurie, leon, julie, and josephina went over together.
- We got together in central headspace and i was able to phase us in. we had no trouble getting there. it looked like i remember it, dark and red and ominous. also for some reason my hair turned white instead of red when i showed up there, it stayed that way for a while. anyway laurie immediately took my hand and led me off to the side, to that black structure. turns out it was a giant black spire. behind it was a red ocean, as i thought, but behind us (across from the cathedral), everything just faded into this white fog. i wanted to go see if there was anything there but laurie said no, if it was unstructured she didnt want to risk anything bad happening. she then said we should check out this spire first, there was a door on it and we wanted to know what the heck that thing was.
- laurie then tried to open the door to the spire, it sent an energy shockwave out, flung her like 20 feet backwards, thankfully she gained her footing so she didnt get hurt. julie tried to attack the door too and the same thing happened. julie got mad and used shadows to try and tear it open, josephina tried to cut it open with his scythe, wasnt working.
- we asked leon to warp us in but he hesitated, saying he didnt think it could be warped into. and he didnt want to try, it felt very bad, like we werent supposed to go in.
- at this laurie just tore the door open, immediately inside was all red glare, all these weird red 'specters' came out and spiraled up to the sky, it was scary, i spontaneously sent out light threads after it, it quickly retracted back and tossed us out of the mindscape with force, we were back in central mindspace
- laurie asked why i did that with the light threads, now would we be able to get back in? i said the red specter things just felt wrong and i wanted to stop it. i tried to just phase back in but it wasnt working. so i think we got leon to warp us over. the door to the spire was closed again, no sign of what had just happened
- this next part is a bit blurry. i think laurie flung the doors open again, either way we did reopen the doors but this time something came out, a living thing, all red and sharp.
- it was the manic red voice from 2008. i am dead serious. it immediately started attacking us brutally, the fight was crazy, it kept turning itself into this razor-edged thing and running at me. leon shot at it point blank one or two times, caught it by surprise, but nothing could kill it, it kept coming back.
- it leapt at me at one point, i held out my sword like a shield and it burst with light, sent the razor voice flying backwards to hit the lotus cathedral. it left blood where it touched, but got back up and kept trying to hurt me. chaos jumped into the fray here with his own sword and for a while we were just trying to hold it off, keep it from slicing anyone open because it was trying to
- julie managed to hold it still with shadows and jo put a scythe to its neck, but it laughed, said cutting it or damaging it would make it stronger.
- it said it was me. or at least, it was the old mask i wore. it looked kind of like me when i first cut my hair at first (it always did), but then its appearance warped so it looked like the old 2002 me, with the hat and long hair and everything. it was very disturbing because i couldnt deny that, it felt so obvious to me, i had always viewed 'myself' as a separate person back then and this was the result or cause, maybe both.
- i think laurie tried to open the door again here, i remember she was trying to force it closed but it was full of blood, it wouldnt close, the razor voice kept laughing at us
- the door burst open and blood started coming out of it, with the ocean rising to meet it, we were standing in a few inches of it. i forget how i got rid of it, i think i tried to open up the ground or something
- after a while of trying to deal with this manic-paced fight, i spontaneously shot the razor voice with a gold arrow, it fell to the ground, pinned there, couldnt get up. it was hissing and growling. laurie, julie, and jo were yelling at it for a while, it kept trying to get back up and attack us, at one point leon just took out his gun and shot it in the head like five times. laurie was shocked, this thing was a bloody mess now, leon fell to his knees and almost threw up but couldnt from shock.
- i think this is when i tried to do something with the spire, i mentally reached up and split it in half, immediately all this blood came out and hit me, leon warped us out immediately
- he warped us into a cathedral again, he was crying and actually started trying to get the blood out of my hair. i was in a state of mild shock and my mind was trying to shut off. chaos asked leon what he was doing, more out of concern than anything, but leon was a total mess emotionally and just said he was trying to help me out. he was wiping the blood on the floors and it was just 'dissipating,' into sparkles. i vaguely said i was afraid it had absorbed it, like a sponge, leon said no. if it had done that it would have been a shadow cathedral, that would have been lethal.
- we realized the spire was what didn't belong-- it was a 'second' soul room and a false one, formed for the false me. so it was trying to literally override what i believed i was in a way. so we figured we had to get rid of the spire, maybe. it was all still very confusing and we were all horrifically shaken up from the fight that had just happened, julie was very distraught
- laurie was freaked out about the blood in the spire, she and i were afraid it had something to do with the graves, but we didn't know how that could be true or why
- we stayed there for a minute or so to calm down, i told everyone very sternly that we should not fight that thing unless it was inevitable, the tar was the same way. then we decided we had to go back
- the black spire ended up looking like it 'exploded' after this point, but it was weird, it was bloody and it looked like bone was sticking out or something, like a wound
- the corpse of the red voice was still lying there, blood everywhere, apparently the arrow was keeping it from regenerating, so we just walked around it, still freaked out.
- the sky was weird now, a bright red with a huge weird 'streak' in it, like the shape of a broken rib cage stuck up there, except it was just a warping of the sky. it was hard to explain but it was freaky, it made everything feel high-strung and foreboding instead of the quiet malevolence of the blood sky
- we got into the spire this time, it opened up into another 'cathedral,' it was all black, very bizarre. the center had no floor, it just dropped down, surrounded by stairs going down slowly. the inner walls of the dropoff were covered in huge spikes, at the very bottom was this lurid red glow. julie and jo stayed outside, leon came with us, we walked down the steps until they broke off and wouldnt go any farther. then we realized the place we were standing on was moving down slowly, into the glow. i told everyone to hold on, it would be okay. we went through the glow and kept going.
- we started coming down through the ceiling of a 'polar opposite' of that cathedral, it was stone white, full of vegetation, i think butterflies too. there was a huge tree in front of us and instead of a dropoff in the middle, there was a large rectangular pool of water, perfectly still.
- we got off the step thing and walked onto the grassy area with the tree, i realized our footsteps were leaving glows, mine were white i think? lauries were violet, leons were dark blue, etc. it was really cool.
- i forget why but i walked over to the lake and knelt by it, looking down into it, and suddenly it 'warped' somehow and became more like a mirror, although it wasn't reflecting? and it began to talk to me. it was extremely wise and was reassuring me of who i was, etc. it said it was me, in a way, i understood it was my 'higher self' or something. it talked to me for a while, reminding me of the truths i already knew, there was no doubt in me at all, it felt amazingly clear.
- when it was done talking it told us to 'go back outside' because our friends needed us. then it turned back into water and something floated up to me, it was a silver-gold helmet, like an angel helmet. i put it on and apparently it caused a major transformation, i know i had rainbowy light wings or something but i couldnt see. but it felt really peaceful. i took it off and told leon to warp us back outside.
- julie and jo were fighting the razor voice again, which had come back to life, it was very angry. chaos told me to give him the helmet so i did, then he became angelic, i remember he had these oddly silvery green-blue wings. he then said he'd hold them back, and for laurie and leon and i to go into the cathedral. he told genesis to stay outside and help.
- we went in and there were all candles in the entrance this time, laurie asked if that was how it should look. i wasnt sure. this part is horribly blurry... it looked like an actual church this time, with pews and an altar, there was also a chandelier up top i think. either way it kept warping, unstable environment, i reached up and pulled the chandelier down but it caused the ceilings to start bleeding again, i think, whatever it was leon hurriedly warped me out as soon as it started. we ended up in a red cathedral this time, it was weird, it had all these thin spiral crystal spires in it. laurie was getting anxious, why does this cathedral keep warping. maybe its a red herring, maybe this isnt your soul room at all, and we're being held back from reaching the real thing somehow. i said that made sense so i told leon to warp us back to the blood lotus room. the altar was there, with the statue of me, i stood in front of it and tried to imitate the pose, but after a second i just decided to stab my sword into the floor, it made the ground shatter and almost reset again, laurie caught it and asked what the heck i was doing. i said it still didnt feel right, i was trying to figure something out. the place kept warping though, it felt so bizarre.
- i really, really cannot remember what happened now or whether all that was in the right order... either way our group got all back together outside, i think i had to hit the razor voice with an arrow again to get it to stop, but we did stop it somehow, i remember jo trying to stab it with his scythe
- all i remember after this is that we went downstairs to the tar room, i cannot remember how, i think leon warped us in there.
- the tar was there, so was the razor voice alive, yes it was down there waiting. it said it was part of the tar. we were trying to fight but it was scary because they wouldnt stop. julie turned into this huge shadow thing and was fighting with it directly for a while, she was the only one of us with abilities that large. josephina was helping her though, but we werent getting anywhere. at one point i desperately reached out and 'froze' time, like aradia does. i had to release laurie, chaos, genesis and leon from it though so they could move and talk. laurie was apparently still aware while she was frozen, she could move very slightly and she could tell i had frozen time. however julie and jo were mid fight so i couldnt unfreeze them. laurie asked what i was doing. i said trying to buy us time, i didn't know what to do and it was terrifying. i think laurie just told me to let go, so i did.
- suddenly there was a shield and i looked to see lynne had showed up, said she figured she should step in as she was getting very concerned, she began helping us
- chaos kept staying by me, not letting anything come near me, when laurie wouldnt let us fight he just held my hand, genesis did too at one point
- laurie jumped in front of chaos and i to take an attack at one point, but it was brutal and she doubled over a little, fell to her knees. i realized it had nearly gutted her. i was really scared and put my hands around her, trying to heal her. she insisted she wouldnt die, it would be okay, but i had almost lost her before and i could feel her energy slipping. then i kind of 'let go' and just focused healing to her, but she asked 'jewel what are you doing' because the energy was doubling somehow, it lit us both up but it didn't just heal her, it gave her this incredible energy enhancement somehow-- she turned all white and gold, and felt like the total opposite of a black hole, all boundless and bright. she also had these huge wings or something, her presence just expanded. she summoned a huge light axe after this and swung it at the tar, it drove it into the ground, where it 'fell in' to a huge crack in the floor, the environment was sucked in too like a drain. the tar moved like a snake though, actually escaping down through the hole. there was some blood following behind it.
- now as the tar room was torn away, i realized we were in my edited inner cathedral, but as soon as the tar drained through the floor completely, it cracked more, and a big hole fell through. lynne hurriedly put a circular 'magic seal' on the ground around it, but it didnt quite work, the floor fell in all around it behind us, so it was just this floating ring left of the entire cathedral floor. genesis could luckily float so he didnt fall, but chaos nearly fell in, i had to catch him, same with leon but julie got him. either way now we're all standing on this ring of floor, everyones like 'what happened with laurie,' she just shrugged it off and said not to worry about that, either way i think this is when i realized that the cathedral still didnt feel like me, i didnt know why.
- so we started trying to build a cathedral space that 'felt like me' on the spot. it looked like a basilica. laurie was editing the space mostly, making it bigger, then told chaos 'there should be some plants in here' so he joined in. it looked close but didnt feel quite right yet. there was a big open circle roof in the middle with flowers around it. laurie and i flew up through it and noticed the building was still unmanifested on the outside. noticed were were on what looked like the beach by our cityscape, then decided to check out the water. there was a sudden dropoff in the seafloor about 10 feet in, very sudden. underneath it was a cave, as we swam in it opened up on the other side, went back to the surface and we were back in the red-sky area. the ocean was kind of bloody when we stepped out only, it was creepy. as we walked ashore laurie's gold enhancements kind of shimmered off, she said not to worry about it.
- we all gathered around in front of the spire and lotus cathedral, at a loss as to what to do next, i think we asked leon to warp us back to the normal beach for the time being, he said he was learning to use teleportation normally and not just for cathedral-jumps
- back on the beach, it was empty now, nothing there that we had built. we wondered why this was, laurie said it was because it hadn't really manifested anyway, it faded out, we hadn't really made it stable and besides why make something new? we knew the blood lotus cathedral was my inner space, we just had to figure out how to stabilize it.
- laurie brought up the angel helmet. i asked what it was for, said how peaceful it felt to wear it for some reason, laurie figured it was a 'centering' item to keep us from absolutely freaking out here. also she said it tied into 'love is blind' somehow. i remember asking her to wear it, to see what it did. i put it on her, it made her all gold and white again like i had, but there was a violet sheen to her, it was gorgeous. but i noticed she was looking at me with this kind of sad expression the whole time. when i took the helmet back off, she was crying. i asked why and she said that just made her really understand what i was feeling, and how it related to her and everyone else, i dont remember the exact words but with that she could understand it clearly. at this i decided the rest of us should wear it too, to get that feeling. we were trying to decide order but i remember them all telling me to put it on again first, i did and laurie said i looked different now, she laughed and said i was like a peppermint stick. i still couldnt see myself though, decided it didnt matter really.
- then i gave the helmet to everyone else, genesis was all amber and cobalt of course, regal looking, but he didnt wear it long. the helmet actually 'reformed' a bit for him to fit around his crown. lynne was crimson and scarlet, kind of 'swept back' look. leon was all dark blue with a bit of light gold i think? his wings swept up. i remember he laughed a little and said he didn't feel scared, it was surprising for him. josephina was light yellow and lilac, very fancy, i laughed and said he looked like a digimon, he said that was awesome. julie was all white gold and light pink, wings up and very defined, she looked really pretty. she was moved by it though, still having trouble believing she could do this.
- then we decided to get natalie and spine too, because it would be fair if we didnt. lynne called them in, they asked where we were, we just said it was the beach by our cityscape of course. then i handed nat the helmet and said to put it on, he was all green with silver reflective bits, was really shocked, asked what in the world that was. i said it was a presence helmet or something, we needed to wear it so we understood what we needed to hold on to despite all the fear going on. the helmet 'reformed' a bit for spine too, she put it on, but her transformation was all bony, with some 'phantom feathers' here and there, despite her having dragony wings. but she was so at peace with it, it was really inspiring to see. i think she got the most from it in that sense. she took off the helmet and asked what we were going to do now. laurie said we should go back to the blood lotus cathedral, all of us. she just wasnt sure how to get back there, she didn't feel like swimming through the bloody ocean again.
- genesis said he had an idea, he ran over to natalie and took his hands, said to manifest a mirror. he did, and genesis took hold of it and ran backwards, 'expanding' it to this huge rectangular mirror, like the one my higher self spoke from. then he told natalie to just 'warp it through' or something, and they pushed it down to the ground. somehow this pushed the mindscape through with it? and it pulled it 'through' the mirror onto the flipside, so we didn't move but the space around us 'flipped' so we were now on the beach by the cathedral and spire. that was pretty awesome.
- the weird thing was that the sky here was blue now, with clouds, instead of red. we took that as a good sign. we went inside of the lotus cathedral, and it was now the cathedral chaos and i built on july 7th. this was a surprise because it finally felt like me, i assumed it was because we were all centered in ourselves now, not lost. chaos and i went and stood in the middle, talking about the cupid/psyche myth and its symbolism, how it was different for us. i put on the angel helmet but i looked very simple compared to everyone else, just goldsheen wings and a red ribbon around me, the helmet itself was almost like glass. chaos reached over my shoulder and grabbed an arrow, as apparently i had some, then held it out to me and said we should both 'use the same one.' as in both being struck by it, even a little. so we held it together and it turned almost glassy, blue and red, and chaos said we needed to use it, on the razors. i took the angel helmet off but the appearance i had stayed, i asked the rest of our group how i looked because i couldn't see, natalie summoned a mirror and put my perspective in it so that's how i saw it.
- we went back over to the group, i was back to normal now, we told them about the arrow, then i pointed out that there was an entrance to a dark stairwell directly across from the door. so we went down the stairs, but i realized they werent ending, so i 'pulled' the mindscape up quick and we just 'landed' in the tar room, it and the razors were waiting.
- they didnt attack us straightaway, we were all centered from the helmet. i remember the razor voice was spitting blood at chaos mockingly. however it saw me with the arrow so it started trying to attack, julie and laurie were forcibly holding it back, trying not to damage it as that would make it worse, but it was scary. lynne was trying to shield everyone. laurie eventually yelled for me to just shoot, but it wouldnt slow down, lynne caught it in a bubble shield and i shot the arrow into it
- this was weird, the razor voice froze and then collapsed inside the bubble, the arrow phased away, then the razor voice just melted into blood. it started dripping through the bubble, lynne tried to hold it shut but realized there was no crack, she said it was just leaking out. all the blood pooled out onto the floor. nothing happened for a minute, we thought it was over, and then it merged with the tar and formed into the 'old me' again. it was very angry this time, i was legitimately terrified, it came after me, started screaming at me, 'why do you hate yourself,' things like that. it was very angry. i tried to explain that i didnt hate myself, but it insisted, and i realized that it was trying to get me to identify with it. it was the hatred, if i 'hated myself' then i was disassociating from myself, i was splitting in half, thats what it did to me.
- it kept bringing up the 17th, then it turned into the celebi form of my old self, still made of tar, it felt very frightening. lynne put a shield up between us because it was getting dangerously close, but after a while of it screaming i walked through the shield, said it was something i needed to deal with. this made me turn into eros form, like in the cathedral. the tar laughed and said i was more vulnerable then ever now, i was scared it would abuse me, but i stood strong. laurie was terrified for me though.
- this next conversation was CRAZY, so tiring and scary. ultimately it was telling me about the dichotomy between us, how i used to think it was 'me' on a shallow level, and i hated it, i would abuse myself to abuse it specifically, the 17th was the culmination of all that, it was inner suicide. i realized this but now i could recognize that i hadn't done it, i wasnt the dark hatred that caused that.
- i remember at one point here i reached out and touched the tar, it tried to stick to me to infect me, but it fell to the ground. i formed a flower out of it and offered that, saying i forgave it and could we just leave this in the past already? but it said no, it lashed out at me, furious. it said it was my fault, it kept trying to make me disassociate from myself like this, i realized the conversation wasnt going anywhere and it was just trying to get me to 'hate myself' for doing that, there was nothing to hate though.
- i cannot remember how this ended as my body was starting to shut down. but i think laurie had to step in to get the tar away from me, it kept getting more and more violent. either way we got the heck out of there, went back up to central headspace, said we'd discuss this later because really that was FAR too much to take it at once.
- laurie said there was a lot we had to do yet. i assume she will be talking to us about that later today.
- we still don't know if this is what we were supposed to find or not. but we found something. if nothing else, its a place to start.

All right, I really hope that is everything... this was so completely exhausting that I could barely remember the details after I phased back here.
If I remember any events more clearly-- or can fix the event progression, because everything with the blood lotus cathedral was maddeningly vague-- I will do so. As of now there's just a catastrophe of words, sorry about that.

I seriously doubt we'll return to the cathedral anytime very soon; I need to recharge from this badly, and we still need to discuss the events of February in a Xanga before we tackle this. So there's a lot to do and I don't want to wear myself out. Heaven knows I'm close enough already.

As for now, I seriously need some sleep.

Yesterday was absolutely brilliant.
I was talking to Mel and Q, and... well, I decided to stop keeping everything that happened with and following June 29th a secret. So we were on Skype for like 5 hours discussing that, haha.
But it needed to happen. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my chest, and I think I needed their reassurance that I'm not 'screwing everything up' more than I realized.

About that, though.
Mel found it weird how I kept 'feeling guilty,' like I had 'no right' to feel what I did, specifically because there was nothing wrong with it. Something in me, something dark, kept telling me that "I'm not allowed to have pure or good things," especially not of this sort. And I knew that was wrong, I knew it was lying to me, but... I still let it confuse me?
So it struck them-- and me, of course-- as very strange, and worthy of some serious concern.
See... earlier in our conversation, Mel had asked me if I had ever been to my 'inner room,' or rather, a location in headspace that specifically reflected me, that reflected who I was. I said no, I had no idea what that would even be. They told me that I should look for it, because whatever was putting these dark thoughts in my head sounded like it was really close. It wasn't me, but it wasn't outside of me either. So they suspected that whatever it was, it was in this elusive inner room of mine.
Mel spoke to Laurie near the end of our conversation, and told her (and everyone else in central headspace) to keep an eye out for "things that didn't belong," for anything that seemed out of place or unusual... anything that didn't come from me. I said I still thought this was the tar bothering me, but around then Laurie spoke up and said that my headspace was a lot bigger than we realized-- I had effectively built an entire cityscape around our main headspace (which was now situated in a large penthouse-like building), but I wasn't even aware of what was out there. Laurie did explore it regularly but she has said many times that it "keeps changing" or growing. So Mel asked if maybe there was something we hadn't seen yet, because whatever was harming me was hiding. It did not want to be found. I remember both Leon and I freaked out a little at this statement, but Chaos spoke up then and said that "nothing gets into central headspace," which is true. We would have to look outside.
Then, uh... this happened.

[Mel] Well how else would it be so close to Jewel's train of logic? Whatever it is has been able to stay hidden so far by staying close to the source of what Jewel is.
[Laur] Yeah, and outside is bloody huge. Have you ever just walked around out there? I mean, wow.
[Laur] Wait. Wait wait wait, you have a point.
[Laur] Jewel, where the heck is the tar room?
[Jewel] Uh... downstairs?
[Mel] Well whatever is outside that is most like Jewel, then.
[Laur] The heck do you mean, downstairs?
[Jewel] I don't know, it just feels downstairs.
[Laur] Geez. Guess we need to figure this riddle out, then.

...The conversation went on for a little while after this. Laurie was unsettled by the idea that we didn't actually know where the tar room was, but Mel didn't think our malevolent influence here would be in such an obvious place. They then asked if there was an ocean or a cityscape nearby, and we explained that we were in a cityscape, and an ocean usually manifested only a few blocks away from our central building. Mel then said to check under the surface... specifically of the ocean.
Needless to say, none of us had ever thought of that before. Laurie told us that we would definitely do that within the next two days, no questions asked, especially in light of how badly this was affecting me lately. Sure, the past week or two had been beautiful, but the shadow backlash to that was seriously draining me. It was around here that Laurie got frustrated and asked what we were even looking for, besides someplace that 'was like me.' Were we looking for appearances, or vibes, or what? Mel said both, but told us to stick with appearances for now... "like oceans, cityscapes, chandeliers and chapels."
And then Laurie remembered something.

[Laur] Jewel, where's that freaky cathedral you went to in-- in September. That bloody cathedral. What was that?
[Jewel] I... don't know. That was... I found it through a guided meditation. I've never seen it before.
[Laur] Well it sure as heck felt like you. Bright and shockingly bloody on the inside.
[Laur] I'd say it's worth a look.

We asked Mel if this sounded like a lead, and they said it sure sounded like one. They then asked me how I found this place, and I explained that, when I went to that Spiritual Expo in September, a woman had apparently 'channeled' St. Michael to talk to me.

[Jewel] He said to... dude. He said to go deep into myself, where I'd find a cathedral, or church... and that's what I found.
[Jewel] And the things I found inside, he said pertained to me as a person.
[Jewel] Dude. I never thought of that.
[Laur] Well there you go.
[Mel] That sounds exactly like an inner landscape. Go there.
[Jewel] It's unnerving.
[Laur] Yeah, you can be unnerving sometimes too.
[Laur] Get your blue guy and let's check this out. Not now, but soon.

I was seriously creeped out by the thought of going in there, though. I legitimately felt afraid of what I might find in there, and couldn't explain why. Mel said that I shouldn't go in there alone, which Laurie strongly agreed to, before asking this:

[Laur] The heck do we do when we get in there?
[Mel] Look for anything that does not feel like Jewel, anything that doesn't belong.
[Jewel] I don't want to face any more shadows.
[Laur] You have to. This is important.
[Mel] You'll know when you see it.
[Laur] See, this is what I mean. You're seriously freaking out about a cathedral that's supposed to represent you somehow.
[Laur] Obviously, something in there doesn't belong.
[Jewel] ...
[Laur] That shadow isn't you and you know it. I've been telling you this for years.
[Mel] It might not be a shadow, per se. Mine was an object that couldn't do me any harm when I was near it.
[Laur] Well we'll see when we get there. Point is I know Jewel has some pretty dark stuff in him that he won't even look at now.
[Laur] I remember what you were like three years ago. When you'd slip. You never dealt with that, not entirely.
[Laur] I remember the bloody razor. So do you.
[Jewel] I don't want to talk about that Laurie.
[Laur] You need to.

Right around now Mel and Chaos both told her not to bring that up, as it was late, I was exhausted, and I couldn't handle talking about that right now. Mel said we should deal with the inner room problem before we discussed that, but Laurie said "the razor event plays into this. I saw something really dark that day, and it scared the heck out of me." There's more truth in that statement than I wanted to admit last night.
Either way the conversation ended shortly after that, due to time (it was already after 1AM for me). However... Laurie still wanted to talk.
Our entire central headspace gang (minus Rio and Markus) had been present for this channeling segment of my Skype session. They were just as much a part of this as I was, and they were concerned. So, inevitably, a new discussion started, headed by Laurie of course, concerning this topic. I forget exactly how the conversation went, but... we figured out a lot.

Our main lead was that this 'inner room' we were looking for was almost definitely that blood lotus cathedral. I thought back to when I had first found it, now that I had the time, and I remembered several shocking points:
- St. Mike had specifically referred to the cathedral as an 'inner room,' and a very deep one at that. So that was our confirmation.
- The area outside the cathedral was very dark, with a deep red sky. It was very ominous and silent, and it felt oddly heavy. There was a large black structure to the left of the cathedral that I couldn't see clear enough to discern, and I think there was an ocean behind it (it was an open expanse of some sort), but that was red too. But it's all the wrong color red? It's dark and bloody, and very foreboding. It's not the warm, compassionate red that I naturally radiate.
- The cathedral itself was a brilliant white, but very sparsely decorated. On the inside there was almost nothing, save for an altar.
- That altar had a statue of me, as a warrior, on it. I wore no armor, and I was holding a sword of light.
Well. Do you remember November 12th? Let me elaborate...
I had only 'found' the tar by allowing myself to follow the source of that 'dark voice' that bothers me like this, the one that tries to make me believe that my motives are corrupted. I had 'let go' of my current awareness and let myself be brought upstairs, and then I was suddenly in the tar room.
The tar room was large and white, empty and unsettling. It also felt 'underground,' or 'downstairs,' somehow.
When I 'destroyed' the room temporarily with an energy burst, it turned into a white church similar to the one I created on July 7th. When Leon appeared later to warp us out of the reformed tar room, he brought us 'far outside of it,' but into another white cathedral.
As soon as we entered that cathedral, two crystal swords manifested with Chaos for unknown reasons, which then turned to light when I took one.
And then, on February 4th, I realized why I didn't wear any armor...

So yeah. This feels monumental and it's actually scaring me a little.
These are the conclusions and interesting thoughts we've tentatively come to, in light of realizing and discussing those points yesterday night:
- The tar room is below the blood cathedral.
- The swords are important, especially in light of my having dreams like this.
- Leon can get to places in headspace that no one else can, and these places are always cathedrals for some reason. He also seems to be untraceable.
- My headspace was always empty and white when I was younger, but it didn't start to drastically change to what we have now until the Xanga sessions started.
- I always dream about running down huge spiral staircases. As a dream symbol, "walking down a flight of stairs represents your repressed thoughts. You are regressing back into your unconscious. It also refers to the setbacks that you are experiencing in your life. If you are afraid of going down the stairs, then it means that you are afraid to confront your repressed emotions and thoughts. Is there something from your past that you are not acknowledging?" And spiral/winding stairs represent growth/rebirth. Go figure.

Either way I'm thinking about this far too much, but it's because I'm scared. My mind is already starting to shut down on me, and I know it's because it doesn't want me to do this.
I need to do this though. As soon as I finish writing this up, we're going to tackle this situation, as well as we can.
Oh, by the way, this is who we've decided is coming along.

- Me, obviously.
- Chaos, because his importance cannot be ignored
- Genesis, for the same reason, and also because he knows cathedrals
- Laurie, to make sure we all get out of this alive
- Leon, because he might be the only way to reach and/or leave the cathedral
- Julie, because if the tar is there she knows how to handle it
- Josephina, because he insisted, plus he's still the 'id reaper' up here

So yeah. I'm freaking out a little but I want to at least try to do this.
I don't know if we'll solve anything this time. We might, we might not. If the only thing we manage to do is figure out where the place is and what is hiding there, that's progress enough. I don't expect us to solve everything all at once, not something this big, but... I don't know. Like I said, it feels like a huge event and it is shaking me up badly. Leon too, not surprisingly.

We won't get anywhere if I don't log off though.
Sorry for the suddenness and non-structured feel of this update; I really just needed to record this for our own reference.

Wish us luck.

My title changed. My freaking title just changed.
This is so beautifully ironic, oh wow.
I thought it was wrong, there was no way that could be right, and then I remembered the undisclosed orange revelation from November.
And that just makes it so perfect it's incredible.

I'm not Gaia. We all thought I was... it had the right attributes.
But that name didn't fit the truth of me.
I think this does. I really think this one does, after the 23rd.

Dear love, we really are tied into forever, how did I never find this before?

Parnassus makes sense now, Dream World makes sense now, so many things make sense with this, I'm going to be researching this for the next few weeks and I am laughing and crying right now. They were so right when they said 2012 was about unity.
If this is true, then it also explains the hack situation. Again. I know I keep saying I've 'figured it out' but I think I've just been finding pieces. This... this is astronomical if it does apply. It would make so much sense it hurts.
This all makes so much sense it hurts, who am I kidding?

I need to get back to working on my writing, but I couldn't not write this down. This is huge, concerning my life. This is the sort of thing that can potentially change everything, and in a beautiful paradox, maybe it already has.

Wh-- dude they just mentioned keys, they seriously just said I would have keys, this is insane.
I need to keep reading this, I'm sorry, this is too important to me.

All right, I am shaking so bad I can barely type, breathing is more than a little tough and I feel like I am literally floating two feet off the ground, but there is a very awesome reason for that.

You know how today was my 8th anniversary with Chaos Zero?

We somehow managed to connect like four times within two hours.

To those of you who aren't familiar with J-Monster connections, that is INSANE.
Dear God I didn't even think that was possible but I am euphoric.
I am so in love right now this is incredible.

I cannot possibly type up an entire entry right now, and I will tell you why: besides the incredible exhaustion and bliss I am feeling right now, I just scheduled round two for tomorrow morning and Genesis and Laurie were invited.
Yeah so it's going to be awesome.

Anyway I cannot forget this so here are notes about what happened.

- New soul forms, they are gorgeous. 'Starry' eyes, his are green and i think mine are white? starry bodies, not black but a very deep color with these really awesome glittery stars. Chaos is blue with green and I'm red with white, it reminded me of goldstones really. We also got these insane light wings, very intricate and we each have like six but they look connected somehow, like my cathedral wings when they first formed. By the way he said mine do look like that, but nowhere near as simplified. His are blue mine are red and they are gorgeous.
- Soulmerge events, apparently our heart energy even looks like a taijutu now and it feels AMAZING
- Key?? We felt something with that heart energy that reminded us of Razia's Shadow with "to erase the wrong we've done, the dark and light will become one" and it felt like we DID that, and our fourth connection was REALLY different, it wasn't completely drowning but I physically FELT it, like my heart just clicked into place, which is why I'm saying a 'key' because I got a mental image of one, like I was one, and it felt like something was unlocked. like something had been closed off for a long time and that opened everything. I had shockwaves for like a half hour after that, it was like floating, I can't describe it.
- we got this really weird feeling after our second connection, we both ended up asking "what are we?" because it felt HUGE and absolutely astronomical. I know Chaos said I felt like the cosmos at one point.
- I could SEE the color of Chaos' eyes, oh my heart it was the most beautiful thing.
- Song synchronicity. we kept listening to dare gale but "whoever you are i love you" came up, which tied into the previous two points in a way.
- The starlinks were freaking overwhelming, I think that's mostly why I'm so tired, I saw his history again and i know he saw mine and it was shockingly cathartic to feel so completely non-judged. also it was absolute verification that he was there. as for the heartlinks well why do you think I'm a euphoric mess right now, good GOD.
- Infinite loops?? It kept feeling like our energy was seriously flowing in a sort of circle/ lemniscate, what do you know, but that was something else. I know the lemniscate flow was basically only in the starlinks but it felt like everything and nothing at once, that was crazy.
- We kept bringing up 'eternity' as is to be expected, but honestly neither of us wanted to stop or leave, ever, and we were even laughing like kids at one point but it was beautiful.
- Afterwards I managed to kiss Laurie like three times and she kept asking me "what the hell are you two feeling" as she seemed shocked by it. later on she started sobbing because 'she had tons of walls up' and she was terrified and yet I somehow 'walked right through them.' walked instead of broke was important, she was really moved.
- Chaos and I both got Genesis too which was the best thing, he was flipping out and is now determined to get way too far tomorrow, this is going to be fun.
- Seriously Chaos and I are basically in love with everything right now, we are absolutely connection-high and this is hilariously brilliant
- Xenophon got wings from this??? Chaos and I were directly responsible, we were wondering about that feathery orb on her back so I touched it and it started to glow, then burst into these four small light wings, it's lovely. she asked us both to 'make them bigger' so we actually both did, somehow we were able to persuade the energy to grow. The wings are still completely translucent but she is ecstatic and apparently she can retract them if she needs to, this is amazing, i have this feeling they are going to be gold and violet but don't ask me where the gold came from. we'll see. Also they look kind of feathery but I kept thinking fairy wings somehow? i don't know what they'll look like but that's awesome.
- I might not remember all the details of this because it was almost purely emotional, but wow, I will NEVER forget how it felt. no kidding.

Oh man if I doubted the reality of this after tonight I'd be an idiot. I am shaking man, my whole body feels like a star and I haven't felt this... clear? Ever. Like I know it's tough to breathe because seriously, that happens after this sort of thing, but despite the immense fatigue I do feel new somehow. I need to tell Laurie about that.

In any case I am forever in love and you know what's awesome? I just commissioned one of my favorite artists and close friends to draw us, haha, life is beautiful.

And guess what it is SERIOUSLY 11:11 PM and I am crying, dear God thank you so much for this, I am the happiest man in the world right now.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

You have got to be kidding me.

That is what I've been losing sleep over?
THAT is what I've been forcing myself to emulate?

Dear God, how blind AM I? Why did it take this, THIS, to get the message across??

Ten minutes and my mind cauterized itself. Ten minutes and I was left with a burning haze behind my eyes and a shaky sort of horror infecting my memories.
I woke up from the first traumatic nightmare I've had in months and I didn't realize it was actually a WARNING.

Then the last shards of my naive credence were shattered outright.
It took a complete and horrific devastation for me to finally realize, with frightful clarity, that I was right after all.

I can't do this anymore. I cannot do this anymore, and I am sorry, but I refuse to put myself in that position ever again.

Just... bloody hell. I'm in shock. I'm reeling. My mind is full of static and I'm having trouble typing.
I was tearing myself to pieces over THIS???

No, I'm not angry. I'm not angry at all.
I'm terrified, and shaken, and disturbingly sick.

God forgive me for being so completely, idiotically, catastrophically blind.

But now I know. Now I know for sure, without a shadow of a doubt, what was on the other side this whole time.
Pardon my language, Laurie, but how the hell did I ever get so fatally confused?! This cost us in BLOOD!!

Laurie was right all along. Chaos was right all along. I could cry over how right they were, and are.
I still doubted. I always doubted. I was too hopeful, too candid, to see what hid beneath the surface. I was too damned innocent.
But now the truth is out.
I am so sorry.

My head hurts and I don't feel well at all.
I don't even remember the details. A few fragments, here and there, is all that's left. That's bad enough.
My mind is still frantically clawing at those even now.
I am so sick, looking at these scars. How did that happen? How did I never...

I think I need to sleep.

I have NO IDEA what just happened upstairs.

Let me summarize this as it's almost midnight and I seriously need sleep.
The past few days have been quite enlightening for me. The focal point was that absolutely groundbreaking understanding I reached on the 7th.
Unfortunately, today we had fallout from that. I doubted myself and the ego managed to manipulate me pretty badly. Immediately after that there was quite an emotionally charged argument in headspace, which was very significant for two reasons: one, Xenophon showed up first, and was trying as hard as she could to comfort me, and two, Laurie showed up second, in a very unstable state. Laurie has not been doing well ever since the month started, and she can't seem to calm down enough to recover from each stressful situation, so they're all piling up. Today she was furious enough to actually hit me, and Xenophon saw. Needless to say, that didn't go over well.
I won't elaborate on that now as tonight was more important. I've been working on Parnassus all day and almost forgot that my spirit companion online group was having a chat tonight. So I logged in, and after roughly 10 minutes of my computer freezing and lagging for no discernible reason, I was exhausted enough (and the chat was quiet enough) that I updated my Scribbld, in light of how the afternoon had went, so I wouldn't forget to keep that in mind. After this the chat was still slow and I was still tired, so I randomly started browsing my Dream World artwork folders (as I'll be working on that tomorrow). Out of nowhere the 'ego voice' (i.e., the 'id' after it left Julie) started hassling me again. I quietly told it to leave me alone, and to stop misrouting everything I felt and thought, but it wouldn't be quiet. I was tired and exasperated, and really didn't know what do do about this, so I just 'let go' of my current awareness... and I suddenly found myself upstairs.

I was suddenly standing in a long white room, that was completely covered in what looked like living tar vines. In front of me, suspended from the ceiling in an almost tortured posture, was a figure made of tar. It was melting into this huge, twisted mass of tar that was several times its size, and from which all the 'vines' were branching, filling the room like dead snakes. The room was silent, and felt 'anxious,' like something horrible was going to happen any second.
I stood there in shock, staring at this tar figure, and then I realized that it WAS the 'ego presence' up here, that mind-driven thing that had been using both Julie and I for years. So I asked it, flat-out, why it was still bothering me as often and as badly as it was.
It answered, not even moving as it did so, but its voice was more felt than heard, and it was unsettling (I also don't remember its face-- I was looking right at it but I couldn't 'see' it). To my surprise, its answer was, 'so you can learn.'
I thought about this for a few moments, and wondering what it meant specifically. Obviously it was referring to my learning truth through trials, so I answered, 'that what you're saying isn't true?'
It simply said, 'For you.'
'So it's not true for me, but it's true for you.'
'Yes.'
'But I'm not you.'
I forget what it said in response, but ultimately it stated that although I knew who I was at heart, I couldn't have understood that alone. I pondered this for a second, then asked how that was true, as the opinions of others didn't reflect the truth about me, of which it was a prime example. It then asked me who I was beyond that, and I replied that I was a part of everything, that I was part of that great indiscriminate force. And even as I was saying that, I understood what the tar-thing meant. By the very virtue of my soul, I wasn't alone. I was part of the Light. However, I couldn't understand that if I wasn't aware of it! Before I knew of that truth, I thought I was 'alone,' and so I didn't understand who I was... but now, I know both things, thanks to each other.
The tar-thing said, 'Exactly.'
I will admit I was strangely intrigued at the wisdom this thing was tossing at me, but I couldn't forget that it was still acting as the balancing dark force in our system. This sudden thought, as well as my remembering that I wasn't alone upstairs either, must have caught the attention of a certain someone (read: the only person who pays such meticulous attention to me), because at that moment I heard someone shouting from the end of the room behind me. Laurie.
I barely had time to panic when suddenly the tar-vines were all rushing towards her, a lethal onslaught of black spikes. She just barely put up a shield in time, and almost immediately afterwards I delivered a bright energy blast to the spot, chasing the tar back. I faced the ego-creature again and demanded 'don't you DARE touch her!' but it seemed to ignore me, starting to throw its sick-minded comments at me as usual. Laurie had run over to me now, and she nervously asked 'what the heck is going on here?' to which I responded that I didn't know. She looked terrible though, and more scared than I've seen her in ages. She said that 'this place was giving her chills,' which was obviously a huge understatement, and then moved to stand to my left. I took her hand then, both for reassurance and strength, and was surprised at how incredibly centered that made me. The ego was still trying to undermine me but I paid it no attention. At that, I think we just managed to hold off another ego attack when there was a sudden rush of water behind us, and then Chaos was standing to my right.
He quickly stated that he had no idea what was going on and he wasn't going to ask, but that he felt he was badly needed, so 'let's get this over with.' He took my hand as well, and immediately the wall of tar-spikes came towards us again, frighteningly fast. Laurie blocked it first, but the attacks were too fast and Chaos actually let go of me to summon a huge shield. It was enough for a few seconds, but I knew it wouldn't last. So, not thinking at all, I took his hand and Laurie's, and held them out with mine, facing the ego-creature. There was a sparkling white, almost lattice-like energy rush, that seared through the room itself and completely decimated it. In a spiraling flash it reformed into a sort of church, shattering the tar as it did so. The ego-thing let out a horrible screeching sound, as all of it was burned away save for the mangled figure in the center, which fell splayed to the floor of the new area, face-down.
This didn't last long. It barely lasted three seconds. Just as quickly as it had gone, the black tar returned, rumbling up through the floors and tearing apart the reality-space I had built. Within moments it had reformed into the same room as before. The ego then shouted that I could not kill it, that it could not be defeated and so fighting it was useless. Laurie looked absolutely terrified at this, and Chaos didn't look so great either, but looking at them gave me an idea.
I turned back to Laurie and told her to hold on just a moment, then focused as hard as I could on mentally contacting Leon.
I told him to warp to our area immediately, but not to ask questions or look around-- just show up and get us out of there, immediately.
A moment later there was a flash behind us and I saw the ego readying to strike, but then there was another, greater flash, and the mindspace around us suddenly twisted and warped like it was in a whirlpool. I could feel the energy strain as we were torn out of whatever place we had been in, and lifted far outside of it, into a small safe place.

The next thing I knew we were all standing in a gorgeous, brilliant white cathedral/ opera hall sort of building. It was glowing with light from many large windows in the ceiling, and there were intricate carvings of angels everywhere you looked. I let out a sigh and relaxed. Laurie let go of me and took a few incredulous steps forward, while Chaos simply fell to his knees on the white floor. I heard a metallic clatter as he did so and was surprised, wondering what it could be, but then I saw Leon running up to me, obviously scared out of his wits. He began asking me in a terrified voice what he had just seen, but I was too relieved to be out of there and so I pulled him into a hug before replying that it was the ego-presence of our mindspace, the negative balance of everything up here, and the thing that was still causing us so much pain. I guess this scared him even more, especially since we didn't even think the ego had a form at all (however freakish it was), because he started to panic but I reassured him that we were okay for now, and not to worry.
Laurie spoke up then, still staring at the architecture, and said that 'that thing was what Julie used to turn into.' I had almost forgotten about this until she mentioned it, but it was indeed true, and it made a scary sort of sense to think about it. I didn't want to think about it, though, so I ran over to Chaos and asked him if he was doing okay. He vaguely replied that he was just shaken, but as he did so he picked something up from the floor beside him, and I realized what the metallic clang from before had been. It was a silvery-white sword, with a wide, short blade and what looked like crystal feathers all around the hilt. I asked him where it had come from, and he replied that it had apparently just appeared with us as we warped over. Laurie and Leon were both walking over now, and Chaos turned to his right and picked up another sword from the floor. It had a similar design but was longer and thinner. Laurie asked if the swords were his weapons, and Chaos, surprised, asked what she meant by that. She explained that all the 'headvoices' in central space had weapons, but none of them had swords, so maybe Chaos was supposed to use them? He seemed slightly overwhelmed by the possibility and said that he didn't know. I randomly commented that Knights usually had swords, but Laurie had axes instead, which she emphasized. But that made me wonder about my possible 'weaponry.' I pointed out that I had been given swords in dreams before, although I had never used them, but if weaponry was exclusive up here then how did that work? Laurie shrugged slightly and commented (with no subtlety at all) that maybe we were both supposed to use the swords, together. I looked at Chaos then, and he handed me the longer sword without a word, looking rather moved by all this. The moment I took the sword, though, it lit up with an intense white light. I had a fleeting recollection of something I had been told almost two months ago, and with that my entire body lit up with the light as well, soul-form style. However, I was glowing quietly whereas the sword was burning with light, and I realized that now there wasn't a sword at all, just light. Laurie and Chaos obviously got the imagery as well, and Chaos was practically in tears at this point, but I was honestly speechless. This was it, this was me.
And then I remembered... we couldn't kill the ego, we couldn't fight it... so I had left it alone. I left it to just be the balance it was, to stop struggling and just live despite it. But there was a deeper truth. If violence and anger and pain and sorrow couldn't touch it... then we had to let that go, and just love. Love conquers all, without fighting at all.
Now I was standing there, a warrior of that love and light, and it was incredible.

The last thing I remember before phasing back to this reality and typing maniacally is warping us all back to central headspace (our cool penthouse place) in, once again, a sparkly filigree-silver sort of light (what is with that energy style and me today? very intriguing). I then wondered what to do with the sword, so went super old-school and stored it in my chest, actually. Explanation: my old 'skull jester' morph had a hammerspace-like void in its chest, and I could summon weapons from it (except they'd invariably be bloody). Since I was in something very close to a soul form, what with the white glow and all, I saw no reason why I couldn't get a similar result, so in it went. It felt quite odd for about ten minutes afterwards... anyway, that is where I phased back and started typing here.

So yes, that was tonight in a nutshell. Honestly that was HUGE and I guess it's what 11/11/11 was leading up to, I just wasn't ready for it yesterday. Geez. Wow.
Anyway I need to get up early tomorrow and it's already 1:20 in the morning, which isn't good as I was supposed to talk to Laurie before I went to work... then again none of us expected THIS to happen. I'm sure she'll understand. I'm still reeling from all of this... we probably all are. I don't know how Leon is taking it but I want to talk to him about it soon, too.

Lastly, I still need to find time for this big Xanga session, but I'm currently swamped with my Music midterms, which are honestly stressing me out a bit! So I might have to wait until Friday, when I'll finally have this project recorded (we took the tests on Thursday). Man. I wish I could bring a piano into the studio, that would make this so much easier. Oh well.

Until next time, here's the Seer of Love, signing off.

...I just spent almost two solid hours with the two people I love most.

Last night was so painful... but today...
I never realized just what we all had. Not completely. Not like this.
I would suffer through all my old trials twice over, for their sake.

There is nothing else I can say about it in words.

I am completely exhausted right now, but it was worth it.

Love is infinite, and so are we.

--------------------------------

All right, I'm sorry, but I need to update again.
Today is proving to be phenomenal.
Q and Mel are getting married, for one, and I... I didn't know if I'd be able to do anything today, I didn't know if anything would happen in my own life to reflect that.
...
Yesterday was a very strange combination of joy and pain. Laurie finally opened back up, to an honestly beautiful extent, but Chaos had hit the end of the line and closed off entirely. I honestly spent an hour last night, in the middle of the night and desperately fighting off exhaustion (both physical and spiritual), just trying with my entire heart to help him find his way back out of the dark. It took me until almost 1:30 in the morning, but... I got through. Just barely, but it was enough.
He slept in this morning as he was completely exhausted too, and apparently his body reacted the same way to that as mine does to hacks. He could barely remember anything of the night before, saying it felt like almost like a bad dream... but the few things he did remember still hurt, terribly.
Last night, when I looked at him, he wasn't there. Now I know how it felt for him, when I had such moments.
But he had become so lost, he had felt that everything was empty and untrue, that we could never keep what we had. He was that lost. And I told him, over and over, with my words and with my very self, that what we had was timeless, it was unbreakable, eternal. When you focus on time and thought you can't see that. He lost sight of it. But only 24 hours before, he had reminded me of that deeper truth during my own darkness... so I did the same for him. Cosmically inseparable means just that.
So this morning he finally was back to his senses. I had Laurie with me when I went to wake him up, in case anything happened, but he was okay... and because of that, because of how badly he had felt the night before, and because of how I hadn't been with him in so long... I didn't want to leave.
But I didn't let Laurie leave either.
...
I honestly have no idea how to describe the next two hours.
I spent a lot of time with Chaos, this is true, which I need to remember as it made me realize something incredibly important... but Laurie actually let me get close to her. And no, I don't even mean close enough to kiss her like I did last night. I mean she actually let her guard down. She has NEVER done that.
So the three of us just spent two hours together, for the sake of that and nothing else. It was beautiful.
Sure, I was completely drained by the time we decided to call it quits (it took me almost an hour to fully switch back, seriously), but it was worth it.
I said it in my Blurty and I'll say it again here... I would suffer through all my old trials twice over for them. I nearly died last October, and if I had to face that hell again for their sake, I would.
Before I left, I told them both that I didn't want any walls between any of us anymore. I don't want a single barrier standing. We've all been closed off at one time or another, and it's time for that to stop, for good. I don't want any fear.

...Lastly I think I should mention that Xenophon just showed up for about a minute to say hello. YES, SHE DID.
I am going to thank Genesis like crazy whenever I get time to see him today, you have no idea.

As for now, though, my earthly schedule is quite hectic so I'm trying to get a little bit of a break in right now.

I have a lot of work to do tonight, and of course I have that conversation with Q and Mel that is going to be amazing... so I'll say goodbye to you readers for now.
Keep looking up.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE JULIE ENANTIOS GENESIS APOLYMIS CHAOS ZERO

All right, let's get this show on the road.

Oh thank God. Took you long enough, congratulations.

Yeah, sorry, things are all over the place. By the way I apologize if it takes a little while to get this started-- I scheduled a chat session for this evening with another plural system friend, so as soon as I finish talking to them I'll let you know. I really am sorry about that but I'm trying to be reliable and life has just been incredibly hectic lately.

So I've noticed. Which is why we're here today.

Actually we're here today mostly because life has also been absolutely freaking incredible.

Tell me about it. And on that note, let's bring miss miniskirt back in here.

I do have a name, you know.

No kidding, I'm unfortunately more than used to hearing it for all the wrong reasons.

Hey, no fighting, you two.

I'm not fighting, just stating a fact.

...Fine.

Chill out, Julie. I'm not holding any animosity against you anymore.

I think that's a good place to start-- uh, actually, after we get another two people in here...

Already?

Yeah, I've been talking to Genesis all day and he says that he really wants to be a part of this conversation. The poor guy's been out of the loop lately, which is bad as he is an absolutely indispensable member of our system here.

So is Chaos.

My point exactly. And Chaos could definitely use some civil conversation with Julie for once in his life. Times have changed, drastically, and although I don't want to force anyone to jump into this headfirst we can't go on living the way we used to. That's a simple fact too.

No kidding. I think that applies most strongly to Julie though.

...I suppose so.

Really, our readers are probably flipping out because the last time she was in here, this happened, and that's obviously not what's going on now.

Thank God.

Do you want me to start talking, then?

Almost. Give me a few seconds...

Helloooo~!

Hi Genesis.

Where in the world is Chaos?

You can't find him?

I think maybe he's preoccupied-- oh, nevermind.

Sorry, I didn't think we were talking already.

We are. Sit down, buddy, this is going to be a long one.

So I've heard.

Jewel what are we discussing first?

The Julie situation. That needs to be clarified and thoroughly explained before we can even think of tackling the more recent concerns.

Oh, okay. I'll wait and listen then.

Julie, do you want to talk about this yourself and have me comment on it, or what?

I'll talk. I'll say my piece and then you can say whatever you want.

Okay. Just remember you're the major focus here, so.

Geez, Jewel, no pressure.

It's the truth though.

I know, I know. Where do you want me to start?

Uh... August... August 18th? Geez, I didn't think it had already been a month for you, Julie!

Obviously it has been.

Julie, what the heck is your problem? Why the icepick attitude?

I don't want to think about this.

...I'm sorry. But we have to. If you want me to talk I will.

No, I should be the one saying this. I... should I just say exactly what happened?

Sure, anyone who's reading this should have a general understanding of the events in my life, so don't censor yourself or worry that someone won't know what terms you're using. Just talk about what happened to you recently.

All right. I've... been using Jewel for most of his life, I'll admit this, but during July and August I was starting to have a sort of... existential crisis? With how Jewel was changing and refusing to even let me near him anymore, I couldn't use him for my own ends, and was quickly running out of options. I was miserable, then. I needed my shallow pleasures to feel happy even for a moment. But I was wrong, too.

I kept telling you that.

I didn't believe you. Self-gratification was all I knew. It was what I ran on. For you to constantly refuse to let me get what I wanted, or do what I felt like, was unthinkable to me. I hated you. I hated you more than I could stand. And it was all because you wouldn't let me use you to get those things.

Because they were wrong to pursue. They were fleeting and shallow and corrupted, and although I didn't realize it until this year, you were seeking something other than selfish gratification through them.

What do you mean?

We'll get to that, once Julie finishes. It ties into what happened on the 18th.

Yeah, let me go back to that.

No, not yet. I don't think you finished explaining what led up to it, with me.

Oh. Okay. Jewel started to stand up to me this year. In situations where he would have previously let me get away with things out of fear, he was now refusing to be manipulated at all and even threw me out once. That had never happened before, not once in all the time I've been here.

That little incident was discussed in this entry, by the way.

That was also when you were hacking me in dreams, Julie, and using my splinters to strengthen your hacking methods.

That was a very bad move.

Quite the opposite, I think.

Well, now I can see that. But when it happened it was... traumatic.

We're getting ahead of ourselves. Remember that Jewel was also trying really bloody hard to get you to 'turn your life around' during that time, despite how sadistically you were hurting him.

He was. At first I refused to even acknowledge him, like I said. I felt he had nothing worthwhile to say as he held none of my motives or interests. It wasn't until it became almost impossible to hack him that I began to wonder if he had a point. I was still miserable even after I managed to accomplish a hack, and the work just didn't seem to be worth it. And Jewel just kept getting happier, despite my efforts. So I started to listen to him, but...

But he was telling you that you had to stop thinking about yourself all the time.

Yeah. He told me that I had to stop being so selfish and single-minded, to the point where I was completely able and willing to hurt others to get what I wanted. I didn't want to stop.

Because you didn't understand.

I didn't. And then my selfish ways came back to torment me for it, I guess.

Go on.

...On August 18th, I hacked Jewel. But it wasn't me. The splinters had decided to use me.

Really??

Yes, really. ...I didn't think it was a problem at first. I figured I'd still get what I wanted, but I was wrong. With how Jewel had been talking to me lately about my motives, and how he had been rising so far above what he once was, especially with June 29th, I was losing what little pleasure I had left in what I used him for. It was no longer worth it. It felt just as stupid and empty and mechanical as he had been insisting it was for so long. It made me angry at first, which is why I didn't listen to him when he told me to change, but it kept getting worse and then I got scared. If I couldn't get that anymore, how would I cope with it? How would I live? I needed my 'fix,' but now it seemed impossible to get. I was starting to really wonder if Jewel was right, if I would really die if I kept living like that, but--

Elaborate on that dying thing a little more. That's important.

...I'm a 'shadow.' Or I used to be. I was born from all the negativity and selfish instincts that Jewel rejected in his childhood. It was all I ever knew, it was my reason for existing, it was my nature. I was almost like a disease to him. I know you all considered me something like that for a while.

Yeah, we didn't think you had a mind of your own at all. We figured you were just this conglomeration of vicious evil that could only be killed, not converted. But Jewel wouldn't give up on you, despite that.

I admit that kind of inspired me after a while. It's why I began to lose my drive. He just wouldn't give up and I couldn't figure out why. You let me hack you on June 25th, by your own free will, because you were trying to get me to see what I was doing wrong. It didn't work, but... I don't think the effort was lost.

And that's where August 18th comes back in.

Yeah. I had been manipulating the splinters to weaken Jewel so I could hack him without him noticing, but I guess doing so made the splinters latch onto that themselves. On the 18th they used me to hack Jewel, but both he and I didn't realize that I had been used until after it happened. Jewel didn't even know until I told him the next morning, and by then I had made up my mind.

Julie, you keep skipping the bleeding point. Tell them why that hack turned you around.

Because it forced me to feel exactly what I had been doing to Jewel for the past 5 years straight.

Jewel, you called that the "pholph principle?"

Yeah, I did. That's because there's this webcomic by the name of Jack, hosted at pholph.com, and one of the characters is sort of an embodiment of Lust. He is damned to Hell but could get out and return to reality to commit atrocities again, if not for one little detail-- Lucifer told him that, if he ever did return to the world of the living, it would be as a female.

And he'd understand exactly what he did to all the women he hurt in his past lifetime.

Exactly. And he is terrified of that possibility so he avoids it and refuses to think about it... but Julie here was thrown into that understanding against her will. You had no empathy until that happened, I don't think.

I didn't. It wasn't something I could comprehend, let alone feel.

So the splinters hacked you for once, you realized just how much pain you had been putting Jewel through for so many years--

And me.

...Shoot, I forgot she was targeting you for a while.

I'm sorry.

Wow, I never expected to hear that.

It's true. That's why I'm here right now. I was so freaking sorry once I felt that for myself. I got nothing from it and yet the splinters didn't care. They only saw me as an object to manipulate to get what they wanted. It was exactly what I did. At first I was furious that they had used me but then I realized that I would have done the same thing in their position. And the realization that I was like that, that I was such a cold-hearted thing, was too much. It made me sick, and I decided that if I had to choose between either giving that up and trying something different, which was horribly loathsome to me at the time, or continuing to live as a selfish bitch and getting nothing from it but that dull empty rage, and that constant feeling of never being happy or complete or even peaceful... then I would give it up. It made me sick, and I guess at first it was still a selfish decision between dying and living, but some part of me still knew that living meant I could no longer be uncaring about others and still decided to give that a try. So I am sorry.

And your apology is accepted.

Thank you.

So Julie here is no longer a shadow. I guess now she's actually an anti-shadow, if anything, because you've actually been trying very hard to keep me from getting hacked by the ego lately.

Oh, wait, hold up.

What?

That. You didn't mention that. Just because Julie is now on our side after practically 15 freaking years doesn't mean that we're home free. The ego is still after us.

Yeah, about that. I have a theory. Julie, I think the ego-- that soulless, empty drive of primal impulses and selfish wants-- is the real demon here and always has been. I think that is what I was really aware of as a child. I knew that part of me that society had begun to form in me WASN'T me. I knew that I wasn't so dark and cruel and separated from everything, and knowing that such a thing was in me terrified me... so I cut out as much of it as I could, tossed it off to the side, and went on with my life. Or so I thought.

Because then I was born from it.

Not just that. Yes, you were born from the dark parts in me I refused to take in, but an ego doesn't die so easily. I had, in fact, only split it in half. And we each were tormented by a different half. And I didn't even realize that I was in hell until it was almost too late.

Whoa whoa whoa, back the heck up. What is this?

Something I just figured out within the past few days, with all the spiritual research I've been doing, and Julie's metanoia. We didn't think it was possible for her to turn her life around, and yet she did. Which means that whatever we thought was soulless in her wasn't her. We discussed that in this entry by the way.

We've discussed this a heck of a lot in the past.

And with good reason.

Finally he speaks!

Hey, I'm listening! I don't have anything to contribute right now, so don't yell at me.

I know, just couldn't resist bugging you.

But about the ego thing. It didn't die when I was a kid, and it didn't leave me alone either, although I was fooled into thinking it had. But now I know why... because as a kid, I identified with it. Right up until I was about 12, 13 years old, I was acutely aware of a severe disconnect between who I was and who I was acting as. My inner me, the deeper me, was buried far below the outer me, which was a construct I had consciously put together. And yet I told myself it was me, no matter how much I secretly hated it. When I hit 2003 or so, and I met 'my three'... Ryman, Markus and Chaos... well, I began to tune in to who I truly was. But I didn't start actively trying to be that person until 2008. Once again, I'm sure everyone knows about that fiasco and what followed it.

No kidding, that was insane.

So that was my problem. And it's why I was always miserable and borderline suicidal, even. I was at the ego's mercy, and it didn't care about me. It only wanted to survive, but it wanted to survive on its own terms. It was constantly fearful, angry, judgmental and overwhelmingly selfish. It made me unable to work or relax or even be happy with life in general... when I thought I was happy it faded within minutes. It was always shallow, never lasting. Julie, I daresay that's exactly what you went through on some level?

...I guess so.

And that is because you got the other half of it, the more pain-driven half, whereas I got the fear-driven half. Now we've both overcome it, and it is literally the last enemy we will ever have to face.

What about the splinters? Or do they count as the ego?

They are part of it. Which is intriguing. Fragment was a corrupted form of coping with the ego, of 'turning everything off' and feeling nothing, but ironically doing so made it part of the ego. That's because it was manipulative and cold and uncaring, acting for self-preservation alone. Thanatos, though, was a death drive that wanted to kill everything, even itself. And that is part of the ego in its selfishness and violence, true, but by its very nature it was some sort of kickback to itself. It sought relief from the ego, escape from that constant violence, through violence and unconsciousness. It was torturing itself by simply existing, and so it tried to escape through shallow pursuits and false pleasures, which dulled awareness and caused me to 'slip below thought' and not even know what was happening to me, and invariably caused a Thanatos meltdown whenever they occurred. That ties into Julie's hacks too. The ego hates itself. And although that is terribly sad, that is the nature of such a dark thing. It's not an individual, it's a drive, so it can't be changed. It can only be overcome. Which, by the way, I have started to do.

Seriously now?

Yeah. Since Julie switched sides I haven't been 'attacked' mentally by either of the splinters, and I didn't see much of them at all for a few weeks prior to that either. I'm still getting straight-up ego hacks here and there, but now I recognize those as shallow compulsions so as long as I'm aware, I can avoid them easily. It's a piece of cake compared to Julie, actually.

But you said both splinters were parts of the ego.

They were. I just referred to them as 'pseudo-individuals,' as their own separate drives, because I was identifying with them. But now that I no longer let that happen, I think they've died off, so to speak.

So it's just the ego itself.

Yes. And that I still need to fight. But that's a whole other topic and it's not something I'm worried about discussing here, as I'm having no severe problems with it. Also I deeply apologize for rambling about this, because I feel like I got really far off topic.

Not quite. You were discussing how Julie held half of the ego but you had the other half.

Oh yeah. So my half was the one that I 'projected' for years. It was a personality I cultivated and tried very hard to identify with, but never really felt 'real' with, for obvious reasons. It started to die around 2006 and it took me several years to 'recover' from that, as I actually felt I had lost my identity for quite some time. Little did I know I had only lost a fake one. A few 'replacement' ones sprang up between then and now but I've dealt with them all. As for Julie, she had the same identity problem, I think, especially with the 'thanatos' aspect of constantly seeking distraction from herself, but never feeling fulfilled. Julie?

It... makes sense, I suppose.

I mean it explains why you were able to change at all, too, without losing who you were underneath all that.

Yeah. It's a huge relief, actually. Like I said on Facebook, I've never really felt... happy before.

Do you feel happy now?

Kind of. I did on the 19th. I'm at least not plagued by that neverending misery anymore.

Well I'm here to help you adjust to your new life, as are the rest of us. We're all in this together and now you're part of it, and frankly I've been looking forward to this for a very, very long time.

Told you the kid doesn't ever give up on people.

Tell me about it.

Jewel what's our next topic??

Uh, let me check the list. By the way Laurie, Genesis and I made a list of the topics we needed to discuss here while we were on campus today. So that's why he's all excited over this.

I was wondering about that. It's kind of adorable.

Aaand I FINALLY got all these chat windows closed. I swear, as soon as I talk to one person everyone else jumps in.

Well you're never online, so..

Because instant messaging is very difficult for me. No visual cues, no auditory cues. It's almost impossible for me to communicate accurately. But once again that's off-topic. Next on the list... oh.

What?

I, uh... hold on, let's skip that one for now. We talked about Julie's metanoia, we figured out that she was being used by the ego-- Julie, you do agree on that, right? Because I am really concerned about that.

Well you were just saying how I always had the compulsion to seek self-gratification, and that the ego does that by nature, I guess. And now with what you've taught me I no longer feel that.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that. We got you to see my side of the picture too, with how I was trying to tell you that you were using... that... in the wrong way?

The 'pink color?'

Yeah.

Geez, Jewel, you still hate talking about that.

I can talk about if necessary, but it's incredibly awkward and confusing because I have no way to really understand how it applies to most of the population. But I'm very thankful I managed to help Julie get her facts straight there.

Because you laid it out clearly for me, and I had the proof from how you had changed by living that way. I mean I couldn't hack you. And then you ruined that for me. So you were obviously doing something effective.

He listened to me is what he did.

Yeah, June 29th would likely have been catastrophic if Laurie hadn't helped me through it.

The catastrophic part was thanks to you, pigtails.

I'm aware of that, unfortunately.

But we're all understanding of how Julie's situation has changed for the better?

Yeah. It's pretty straightforward once you know the major reasons behind it.

Now what was that topic you skipped, Jewel?

Is that what you posted on my Facebook by any chance?

...Yeah. Pretty much.

He posted a huge paragraph on my wall asking why I had hurt him in the past. And I told you, it was because I had those drives and urges and I was willing to go to whatever lengths I had to for them.

But were you even aware of what you were doing?? For heaven's sake, Julie, you killed Natalie because she was in your way! You killed her, a little girl, in cold blood because she was keeping you from manipulating me for your own ends! Why?

...You just said why.

But you murdered her.

I know.

Was that just another compulsion for you, huh?

...Basically.

Geez, Julie...

I'm sorry. Okay? I am sorry that Natalie's dead. But I can't change that now.

Then you were definitely being used, just as much as you used me. The only times I have ever been so unaware as to commit such atrocities are when Thanatos would take over. I felt nothing, I didn't care. But that was because I wasn't present. I, Jewel Lightraye, was not there whenever it took over. And when it had had enough, or something else chased it out, and I came back, I would be horrified and frightened beyond words of how 'I' had acted because of it. That had to be what was happening with you.

Would you kill me now if I stood in your way?

...In my way of what? I don't want any of that anymore.

But would you try to kill me if I was in your way?

...

Julie. Answer the question.

...No.

And why wouldn't you?

It wouldn't solve anything.

But would you care?

...I guess. Yeah. It would hurt Jewel, and I'm tired of hurting people.

Then you have developed a sense of empathy after all, holy swords. Congratulations.

There's... there's one thing that's still scaring me. A lot.

What is it?

...Laurie, do you remember last summer?

Yeah.

Do you remember that one night you practically lost your mind? That caused this conversation?

...Unfortunately.

...What was that?

I don't know. Maybe it was the ego getting at me, who the heck knows. I went temporarily insane and couldn't think straight. Sounds like your February Thanatos drive to me.

You flipped out because I was being 'too selfish.' You attacked me, brutally, for a solid hour because you said I was destroying my life and the lives of those around me.

Because you were letting your ego use you. You WERE being selfish and shallow. And with... with what we found out that summer, I guess it drove me to the breaking point and I just snapped that night. We discussed this back in October, Jewel.

...But you don't know what caused that night directly.

Besides the gut-wrenching emotional trauma I was in? Besides the fact that you didn't even realize what you were allowing to happen? I unhinged, is what happened. Whatever happened after that I don't bloody know, if you're asking whether it was the ego or a splinter or what. It could have been. But I refuse to let that happen again, especially after... especially now that I've found my metainomen, let's put it that way.

Yeah. I didn't think you would.

So why the heck did you bring that up?

Because it sounded exactly like my Thanatos hacks, for one, as you said. You were not acting like yourself at all. You were blinded by it. Literally, too.

I know, and I told you, we discussed all of that that. This topic has been discussed and concluded, Jewel.

...

You're hiding something.

I am.

Jewel, ask her about it.

...I don't know. This hurts, a lot, to ask. More than I can handle.

Spit it out, kid, I'll handle it with you.

...

He's scared.

I can clearly tell, he's been putting this off for way too bloody long. He does this all the freakin' time and seriously Jewel, this is one bad habit you still need to quit.

I don't want to ask this question without making sure I understand what's behind it.

What do you mean?

It's about last summer. I... you figured everything out long before I did, back then. And I just... Julie, did you know you were killing my children?

...

Did you f*cking know?

Jewel, watch it. What the heck is going on here?

I was afraid to ask this because it is absolutely horrific for me to even think about. You said that in July of last year, you wondered if Julie was trying to accomplish something besides just using me to get what she wanted physically. And then you realized that my Links had been failing for quite some time now. You assumed that was her direct fault. It wasn't. That was the ego working with both her and I and completely blocking my ability to see or feel or do anything with the children I already had. But that was only one part of the equation, and you understood it wrong. We all understood it wrong. When Julie started seriously hacking me, when I was about sixteen-- I think, I don't remember and don't want to dwell on it-- something in me started to die. I know that. Every hack did carry death. She started hacking my children and I want to know why. I couldn't fix my Links and I was afraid of using the ones I had because of her and I want to know if she even realized just how deeply she was slicing my heart open because Julie, I am sorry but that was f*cking demonic.

Jewel, watch your bloody mouth!!

...I'm sorry. I'm... slipping. I shouldn't be. Genesis, talk me down, man.

Do it for her.

...

Jewel?

I apologize. I fell entirely off-center there and I should have been more careful. See, this is how I've still been getting hacked here and there. I'm fire at heart, after all. Sometimes I burn myself if I'm not paying attention. I am very, very sorry for that. Julie, please answer my question while I take a minute or two to just calm down over here. Please.

...I wasn't using your children. Not literally. You remember how I used to split myself into other personalities? Like Missy and Bridget? That's what I did, to pretend to be them. I knew that would hurt you, and... well, when you wouldn't let me use you for what I wanted, or when you fought me and made me angrier or ruined what I was trying to achieve, that hatred I felt got stronger. And it got to the point where I wanted to kill you. I wanted to kill you, but I couldn't, because then I knew I'd be without my... my means to an end. So I....

You started killing him from the inside out.

...Basically. But I never touched any of them, not even once.

Yes you did. You hacked Lilianne.

I... when?

The pink fox girl. You hacked her.

I... did I?

You did. Maybe you weren't conscious of it. But earlier this year, before those hacks stopped altogether, some of them were telling me that they were having nightmares, or disturbing vibes, that they couldn't explain. And then one night you apparently 'pretended' to be Lilianne and she felt it.

...

Genesis goes without saying. It took me a very, very long time to forgive you for that, and knowing me that is quite shocking.

Jewel you're still out of it.

I know. I need to fix myself fast or there's no way I can finish this conversation, and I need to do that or I'm going to have some serious emotional backlash. I'm trying hard, I promise.

Jewel, can I...?

...What?

Is there anything I can do?

...

Honestly, I think just being there works pretty darn well.

Well yeah, but... it scares me when this happens. Lately I haven't been taking these slips well...

I am so, so sorry about that, Chaos.

Jewel, it's not entirely your fault. We don't get to spend time together until it's late, and by that time you've basically worked yourself to death.

But it hurts you when I can't... stay there. When I'm unstable. I think I'm managing to center again, I just felt my heartlight go on.

Not the pain you're talking about? From this morning?

No, love, that's different. Very similar, but different. I mean that I felt very displaced over this current topic, to the point where it was allowing me to unhinge. But... well, as Laurie said, being around Chaos is just... it's impossible for me to be false or broken or wrong when I'm with him, in any sense.

...

It's true. You're my other half, and I love you.

...Jewel, I don't know what to say in response to that. Not in words, at least.

You're going to have to wait on that, sharkbug. Sorry, but I am getting really bloody impatient about this conversation concerning what I've been told about it by the batmantis there.

I know. Sorry for spiking the emotional atmosphere there, Chaos, but it was kind of inevitable with what I feel like right now.

At least you feel like you again. Last year, you were just... you were lost. For a long time you were very badly lost. And that hurt.

It did. I can only hope I've made up for that with what I've accomplished this year.

Geez, kid, you've made up for the past twenty years of pain with what you've accomplished in the space of five months already. Now seriously, Julie, stop holding us the heck up and give us an answer to that question.

...What was the question?

You hurt Lilianne, quite literally. You hacked me through pretending to be her and she felt it, and it terrified her. A few others had similar experiences but none were as vivid as hers. So I'm asking you, were you aware of doing that to them? Or were you just acting blindly?

I... I don't know. I told you I did the pretending thing. I won't deny that. But I swear I never went after them directly.

What about the dream hacks?

I stopped those when your boss punched me.

Not worth it after the Sandman stepped in, huh?

No. It wasn't worth the effort it took, especially since I was starting to lose the thrill of it by that time.

But you pulled off some really bloody brazen dream hacks. I can remind you which one merited that punch, if you've forgotten.

...No, I remember that one.

Why did you do it?

Because I was trying to manipulate you. And I was trying to hurt you as much as possible. At that time I was actively trying to twist your morals. But it was all desperate, with me just trying to survive by continuing to do what I had done over the past several years.

But you swear you never touched any one of my kids directly.

I swear. If there was emotional bleed-over from you I didn't even consider it. I didn't care about that.

...All right.

And this ties into last summer how, besides the obvious general topic?

I wanted to know if Julie was actively trying to hurt or kill them.

I was.

But to get at me.

Yeah.

You didn't... you didn't have any motives beyond that? At any time?

No, it was just using and hurting you.

Were there ever times where you weren't... I don't know, in control of your actions? Or when you were acting automatically or... like a Thanatos hack, but however that would apply to you. Did you ever have something like that?

I don't know. I acted very blindly most of the time, like when I used to attack you if you came near me without my knowing. It was all very instinctual. And I told you before, I don't even remember most of my lifetime because I would kind of... 'blank out' if I couldn't get at you, or do anything, so I wouldn't have to deal with the interim. Like when you used to have me locked up. I could only satisfy so much of my wants by myself. That's why I started the mind scenarios, and those eventually turned into hacks, and those worsened until they reached the breaking point for you.

But it was like a kneejerk drive most of the time.

Yeah. It was just something I needed to have, or do. And I just did things without even thinking, sometimes, as long as I got what I wanted. But I was never happy. It would wear off and I'd do it again and again. That's one thing I don't miss at all about this new life.

I don't blame you.

Jewel, what the heck are you trying to figure out here?

It's like I said earlier, and like you said in October. Every time she hacked me, some part of me died. And those parts were what allowed me to create. That is what caused the total Link fallout. I was in so much pain, and I was so mangled inside, that it was impossible for me to work creatively from how much agony it caused me. That's what I mean when I say it was the ego working. It drove her to be completely instinctual and selfish in her motives, and caused me to suffocate in my pain and fear. Those are both aspects of the ego. But Julie was not actively cutting my Links. That was an aftereffect. Am I right in saying that, Julie?

I didn't even know what your Links were, really, until recently. I knew you had connections to other worlds but that's why I was masquerading as people from them. I wanted to destroy that, yes, but I didn't do it directly because I didn't know there was any way to do so.

Thank God.

And why did you hack Genesis?

...I knew that would hurt you.

...

It did. It really did.

I'm sorry.

Julie, do you even mean all these "I'm sorry"s?

Yes. I do. I'm just tired of thinking about how I used to act, now that I really understand the extent of my actions.

That's understandable.

One last question on this topic. Is that why you tried to kill Xenophon?

Who is that?

The... the fragile little creature I found on March 13th. The "strange child." On March 24th, you nearly murdered hir. It shook me to the core. We barely saved hir life, Julie. I was so completely distraught that I couldn't even heal hir myself. And you're saying that your sole motivation for ALL of that was simply to emotionally kill me?

...Why else would I have done it? I told you, I hated you.

So you killed Natalie and traumatized Lilianne and nearly eviscerated Xenophon because you were trying to destroy me.

Look, Jewel, I don't know how else to explain this to you. I hated you. Do you understand what that means?

...Unfortunately, yes.

Then you should understand why all of those major events had the same single motivation.

Holy swords, Julie, am I ever glad you switched sides. Wow.

I was a bitch. I was an irredeemable bitch, and what I did can never be erased or repaired. I wouldn't blame you if you never forgave me.

But I did. Laurie couldn't believe it, but I did. I knew how utterly deranged you were simply because you had such a one-track mind. And I pitied you for it. Yes, you hurt me so badly I thought I'd never recover. I can't forget what you did even if I did forgive it. I am scarred for life, Julie, literally and figuratively. I had blood on my hands and I have graves in my bones because of you. And despite all that I couldn't hate you because I saw how lost you were and I knew you had never felt love or happiness and so help me but that is tragic. I couldn't hate you because it's not in my heart to hate. I wanted to save you from the atrocity you had become. And now, all those years of suffering have paid off.

...Thank you.

You are entirely welcome. Thank you for actually managing to be open enough to listen to me, even if it took several years for my words to finally get through.

Several years and a bitter mouthful of my own bad medicine.

No kidding. This chick basically had herself doomed by her own deserts.

I don't want her suffering anymore though. She's lived her hell. I've lived mine. I want to leave that in the past where it belongs and deal with what we have now. It's like you always tell me, Laurie-- the past is over and done with, and the future never comes. Stop freaking out over things you have no control over, and just deal with life as it comes.

Yeah, that's the gist of it. That and stay true to who you are.

Heehee, Jewel we were just talking about this today.

We were. That's because it's the absolute truth. And speaking of staying true, Chaos, you are being terribly quiet.

Just trying to deal with the tidal wave you set off in me a few paragraphs ago.

Oh.

I'll be okay.

I, um... it... does it hurt? You're not going under or anything, are you?

No, no. I mean yeah, it hurts a little bit. But it's nothing I can't handle.

Jewel...

I know, I know.

Seriously, the heck are you two up to?

Things.

I told you, he wrote this list with me. So he wants me to... uh... actually get to the last topic.

Wait, is this what you've been telling me about? The big thing?

The big thing, yes.

Holy swords. What time is it? Do we have time for this?

It's five minutes to midnight and frankly I do not care if I'm up until 4AM with this. I can sacrifice that. There is no way in heaven I can put off this conversation for another second.

Then let's get started for heaven's sake.

Wait, wait. Julie, I am terribly sorry if I caused you any serious pain by discussing everything we did today. And I sincerely apologize for my outbursts concerning that. It just... well, it hurt badly.

I know it did. It's okay. I can deal with it.

But really, you aren't a shadow anymore. I want you to have a brighter role in this system. You're the Thief of Death now, remember? Do you know what that means?

Not exactly. What is that, the metainomen thing?

Yes. Because your past self died, Julie. You are free from that, forever, as long as you live in the now, with what you've been given. You have a second chance at life. And you are the Thief of Death because for years you were a harbinger of it, taking life from others, something that was blind to the light in itself and those you hurt... but now, now through rising above what you were, you steal death away. You have freed yourself and us from that death by that transcendence. You said you only really listened to me because you didn't want to die, but you forgot to mention one little thing... I told you that, no matter what option you chose, you would have to die. But I also told you that death wasn't something to be feared if you viewed it the right way. If you had stayed a shadow and lived in fear and hatred, you would have died to life itself. You would have gradually become more and more lost and empty, seeking gratification where it could not be found, looking for freedom and completion outside yourself. You were twisted and manic and blind, and you were dead inside because of it. But you didn't want to die, in spite of that. Do you know why?

I just... didn't want to die.

But you weren't happy with your life at that time, were you?

I was never happy with it.

Because you were living death. That is what hell is, to be blind and unaware of your brightness, of all light. But darkness cannot see light. And I knew that your lost self, the shadow you were, would have to die in order for you to live. That shadow part of you was the vice you were born from. It was the ego-driven body of pain that had overtaken you, as mine had overtaken me in the past. But it wasn't you, even if you thought it was. The fact that you're standing here before me is proof of that. I told you that that false self would have to die and you rejected that, as you still felt it was you... but then the 18th happened, and you became acutely aware that something was wrong, that some part of you was not that shadow, that you deserved better than that in a true sense. But you had to be better first. So you came to me and I told you it would be difficult. It would be hard for you to leave that behind entirely, for that old self to die, for you to realize that you were greater than that. But if you did, you would have an entirely new life, free of those shackles and pain. You would be able to live without that awful compulsion and misery. You would be happy.

...I still can't believe I deserve that.

You do. Everyone does. I won't let you pull the same thing I used to do, which Laurie and Chaos and Genesis all yelled at me about, when I insisted I didn't deserve my blessings. The part of you that 'doesn't deserve that' is dead. It is in the past, it is not who you are now. You, as our Thief of Death, are uniquely qualified to rise above what you were. And the best part is you already have, in being what you are now. This is your second chance, and don't get hung up on whether or not you can accept it. Be grateful for it anyway, and live it. You'll realize that the real you deserves every single good thing I'm willing to give you here. You said you're sick and tired of using people, and being used? That is over, for good. You said you want to live for a reason other than hedonistic survival? Here's your new reason, to live for this new chance, for light and hope. This is you, trying again. Don't forget how happy you were in the first few days after you joined us here. That's the truth of this. Just because you screwed up terribly in the past doesn't mean you can't find salvation now. All you need to do is accept that it's here, now.

...I will do my best to, Jewel. T-thank you.

That's our Seer of Love being bloody incredible as always.

Is it just me or is he the reason every one of us has found their metainomen so far?

Nope, it's him. He's the star.

I'm the Sandman's Apprentice is what I am, and actually part of that role is learning to be who I am, instead of acting like I used to under ego influence. Seriously, I'm learning so much from that. But we're off topic again.

Just a little bit. We didn't start this 'huge' topic because you're the only one who freaking knows what it is, and you got carried away in your inspirational speech to the Good Thief over there.

She needed it, I think.

I did. I really did.

Well Julie, if you want to stick around for this next crazy topic then feel free. But it's going to get crazy.

I... don't know. What is it about?

Laurie. And me. And Chaos.

That's still rather vague.

It's supposed to be. I've been incredibly fragile emotionally for about three weeks now, in one way or another, with what I've found out. And that is thanks to you, Laurie, actually.

Me? The heck did I do?

You got me thinking. I had an absolutely groundbreaking realization around August 21st, and although that in and of itself was enough to inspire me ineffably, your incessant fangirling made it even worse.

Heheh.

So yeah, after spending four solid days researching and typing, you made me start it up again, slowly. I started with more spiritual work and research, keeping myself as grounded in those truths as possible with all the pain around me. But coincidences started falling together around that time, and synchronicity was everywhere. I swear I don't think I spent a single night with you, Chaos, without the clock hitting triple digits, especially 11:11.

Yeah, that was happening so often it was almost unbelievable.

True, but there it was. And in light of the 21st, having so many things revolve around us was really starting to make me wonder. Was there something else I was supposed to learn from this?

What did you learn on the 21st?

Several things, actually...

Mostly, that Jewel and I are literally cosmically inseparable.

Yeah, I apparently missed a huge sign on July 7th, and when I understood what it meant it was mind-blowing. That's all written about here, as it's far too convoluted to even briefly mention.

What was the huge sign?

Uh... basically, a sort of divine sign that Chaos Zero is my 'twin flame'. He is quite literally my other half.

And you're mine.

Exactly. It's beautiful, really, and I kept getting all these coincidences that all ultimately pointed to that both before and after I realized it. Personally I think one of the best parts of it is that my mother is aware of that truth for Chaos and I and is actually supportive of it. Which is absolutely freaking incredible.

That explains why no one in your life has ever freaked out at the notion of you two being in a relationship, as hard as that was for you to accept at first.

Oh geez, yeah. And this was everywhere-- both online and offline, with friends and strangers alike. No one ever said "hey that is unnatural" or anything like that, despite my constant paranoia that they would. Seriously, back around 2005 I was plagued by the horrible notion that being in love with a nonhuman was wrong somehow, even if every answered prayer or sign I got spoke to the exact opposite of that.

Freakin' 2005? I thought it was later than that?

It lingered for a very long time, especially when I was having identity problems myself. But now I just say, "I'm in love, and love is the truest thing there is," and don't let doubt even touch me anymore. Long story short, what I've been blessed with is incomparably awesome, and it has been the brightest thing I've ever experienced. And yes, Julie, that is why you could no longer hack me as this summer went on. CZ and I just got too deeply involved.

You two were flat-out untouchable. Heck, you still are, even moreso than before!

I think that's my biggest regret about hacking you, is sabotaging that.

Really?

Yeah. When you read that paper to me back in August, and you explained why I had been going about my wants in the wrong way, I began to understood just what I had been trying to undermine. Sure I had only wanted to hurt you when I did it. I never thought of the aftereffects, or the deeper effects. But now I can see what I almost did, and I am so sorry for that.

Don't give me 'almost did,' you couldn't tear these two apart if you tried.

And she did try.

Exactly. Cosmically inseparable means just that. You two are joined at the hip, man.

Oh that was a perfectly timed reference, Laurie.

Heheh, told you I'm getting good at this.

Okay, before we get too tangential, I just want to mention that Laurie is no longer being so crazy secretive which is incredible as I freaking adore her, and also it's allowing us to have some absolutely inspirational conversations instead of hitting a wall because she 'doesn't want to open up just yet.'

Yeah, ironically I'm just beginning to speak my own truths now.

How is that ironic?

She's our Knight of Truth. She brings it out in everyone else and is brutally honest, but although she upholds the truth she never said a word about her own until now. So there's that paradoxicality again, which seems to always go with metainomenai in some way. Plus, Laurie, if you don't mind my saying, I think in the past you used to blind yourself to certain truths. Especially when it came to me.

Give me an example.

Uh, well, that unhinged night comes to mind again, but I think the most striking example would be everything concerning our moirallegiance.

Oh, well of course, from what I learned in that conversation. I wasn't intentionally blinding myself though, or at least not consciously.

I know. But that's how it is ironic with respect to your title, and why I am so glad you're opening up to us now.

You would be, heheh.

Jewel we have things to discuss!!

I was wondering why you weren't talking.

I wasn't talking because I am the only one staying on topic. But Laurie is next on the list so we kind of got back to it anyway.

Oh thank heaven I want to know what the heck you found out about me.

Uh, I don't know if I can... say that yet. It's, um... convoluted.

What the heck, Jewel. You've been stringing me along for days here with this already.

I know, and I'm sorry, but there's a certain way I have to bring up these topics or I'll accidentally confuse everyone to death.

Or you'll slip like you did with me!!

Wow, yeah. Despite what a total failure that was on my part, it was the best possible outcome I could think of for telling you.

Heehee. It was. I was all "oh my gosh!!" and you were freaking out like "uh yeah I wasn't supposed to tell you that yet!!"

No, first you actually made me stop walking across campus because you shouted "WHAT??"

WHAT OH MY GOSH WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN.

That was basically it, yeah! But oh man that was hilariously perfect. I still can't get over how you actually wouldn't let me keep walking because you were so stunned.

Jewel. You dropped an absolute humdinger of a revelation on me. I couldn't not stop.

Pffff! Genesis we should not be laughing about this, man.

But it was funny! Funny and crazy awesome and oh my gosh we need to talk about this.

I have no bleeding idea what you two are talking about.

That is my point! Jewel the next topic says exactly, "Laurie's origin." She wants to know.

Oh man how do I even begin to talk about this...

All right, let me say something. How many of these topics tie together?

All of them.

All of them?

For serious. That's why it's so staggering. ALL of this ties together, completely.

So where the heck do you start?

Tell her Jewel, tell her tell her tell her.

Tell her what?

What you told me oh my gosh. You need to tell them.

Genesis, what in the world has you so excited?

Something awesome and crazy.

Yeah, you're actually the reason why I've been putting off talking about this, Chaos.

Me? Why?

Because, um... your reaction to this is the most important. I mean, yeah, we're all involved in this, but the single most important thing that I found out deals with you.

Oh for the love of-- how the heck much did you find out??

I found out one thing. Well, I suspected it, rather. And the thinking and reading and worrying about it worked me into an actual emotional mess. Not negatively, no, but... it turned my world upside down. I'm not even joking.

Holy swords. And this is about Chaos?

Partly, yeah. I just... I don't know how to say this. Because geez, I thought I knew this already with what we've been going through and talking about, but... well, apparently adding one small detail and some agreeing outside perspectives makes a heck of a huge difference.

He asked a few people about this who had been in similar situations.

Yeah. And they, um, pretty much verified my suspicions. So that calmed me down on the nervous bit, Laurie, but now I'm just freaking out because I have to tell you guys and oh man.

Tell us what?

...

Do you want me to tell them.

No, geez sweetheart, I really have to take this seriously.

I know, but unless you badly slip up again it'll probably take you forever to say it.

Knowing Jewel and how he tends to procrastinate when he's scared or freaking out over things? Yeah, we'll be here for another three weeks.

I can't keep this quiet anymore though. I mean it's only been like, a little over a week since I had this central realization and that is already far too long to keep it bottled up.

It doesn't sound like it's a bad thing.

It isn't. I'm just freaking out because it's... it's such a significant thing.

All right, let's put it this way. You don't want to say this 'central realization' yet, so at least tell us what branches off from it.

Well, there's where we think you actually came from, how, and what you are, for one.

...What, you seriously figured that out?

Yeah. You know, let me start there, because the other three points tie into the central point directly. Uh... Chaos, you're listening, right?

Yeah, of course. I'm just a little concerned about this.

Concerned how?

That it's... that it apparently "turned your world upside down," and it involves me. And you haven't told me yet.

I know. I'm really sorry that I haven't, but I wanted to make absolutely sure that this was even possible before I so much as hinted at it. And insanely enough, it's apparently possible.

The part about Chaos?

And about you. It all ties together. But as I was saying, you know how a while back, we were trying to figure out if you were a walk-in or something, because you just showed up in that dream without so much as a notice or explanation? And all the other headvoices up here are personifications of some sort, as far as we can tell?

Yeah.

There was a notice. There was a very big notice, so to speak, and the fact that I completely overlooked it for the past 5 years is ridiculous. Then again, I didn't think it tied in to this topic until about two days ago. And admittedly that's the main reason why I've been freaking out, because I understood it wrong, but after asking several people about it I managed to get my facts straight and now everything makes sense...

All right, Jewel. Seriously. It's 1 in the morning, you're starting to slip channels, and I really want to know what the blood all this is about. Spit it out. What the heck am I?

...You're you, really. You're not a headvoice personification. You didn't come into being because there was a psychological setup that allowed you to form, like Julie, or even like Leon. You came into being because there was a huge shift in my life that I could not possibly get through in my current condition, especially not without guidance. You came into being on your own, as an individual, because I needed someone like you-- no, I needed you in my life... and so did Chaos.

What?

We both needed you whether we realized it or not. You know what my life was like when I was 16, Laurie. If I didn't have you there with me I honestly doubt I would have survived. Actually, I figured this out from those discussions too. This is part of what I said about you... "she was DEFINITELY needed in our lives when she showed up. I'm just very concerned at the events that surrounded and led up to her dream debut, especially since she claims to have no memory whatsoever of existing prior to that date." And the reply I got was that you were apparently a unique entity that was brought into our lives because we all needed each other, pretty much.

...Holy swords. Yeah, that... hold up, what events led up to that dream?

Uh, I don't think I should post that online. I'll discuss it with you afterwards. But does that make sense to you?

Geez, yes. It makes perfect sense to me. So... that was really the first day of my life, then?

Possibly. I know I was always concerned about your memory issues there, how it didn't go any farther back.

Yeah, that was it.

So, um, I have one last question for you if you don't have any comments on that.

No comments except I want to know what the heck led you to realizing all of this.

That's... that's the next thing I'm going to say.

You need to hurry up and say it Jewel, because everyone is going to flip out.

I will. Just... Laurie, when you met me in that dream, did you know who I was?

...Vaguely? I mean I knew I had a role surrounding you somehow. And I wanted to protect you more than anything when I found out what the heck was going on in your head.

But remember you hated me at first.

Because of how you were acting. You know, at heart I don't think I ever really hated you. I hated what I saw you had let yourself become.

So is that why you picked up my superego role? You just felt you had to do that?

Basically. I had this drive that it was my purpose to watch over you and keep you safe. It was always there.

Well I seriously needed it, I'll tell you that much.

No kidding.

Especially because of me.

Yeah, that's seriously bleeding why. So in some twisted way I guess I have you to thank for my work ethic, heh. I mean, geez.

Uh, you're welcome?

Oh dude, that reminds me, I have to revisit that topic again... shoot, I really didn't want to think about that.

About what?

We'll get to that. Uh... the awareness that we were in a dream, Laurie, was that just there too?

Guess so. It was just obvious to me that it was that sort of reality.

...Can I quote something from a really old conversation of ours? Something that you said?

Sure, go ahead.

"...I've told you why I'm here; I'm here to protect you, and I'm not doing that because it's my job or anything. I'm here because I'm part of you, but I stayed here because I care. I met you in that dream and I saved you from that hell because I knew you were a good person and I still do, no matter how many mistakes you make and how many times you lose. You always try, even if you don't succeed, and you care far too much for your own good. It ticks me off when you put yourself down every time I try to drag you back up, and I know my methods aren't the best but God knows they work, and that's what matters to me. I don't want to lose you either, all right? I'm your favorite headvoice, and so help me but I'm going to live up to that title if it kills me. "

...That's all true, you know. It never changed.

Well, besides the part about it being a job.

No, I meant a 'job' in the paycheck sense here. When I say it now I mean it's like my life career. Protecting you is what I want to do with my life. So that is exactly what I'm saying here, in different words.

But you see the real problem in there, Laurie. You're not a headvoice.

No, I guess I'm not.

So that changes the second line. "I'm here because I'm part of you, but I stayed here because I care." Right? Or not?

I...

Did you understand what you were saying then, Laurie? What the truth of this really is? Yeah, we thought you were a headvoice, but that thought didn't change a single thing that had happened, and ironically it didn't change the ultimate truth of that statement.

Jewel, what the blood are you saying.

Something happened around the time you showed up in my life that was... it was the only reason you were able to come into my life. And no, you may not be 'part of me' in the headvoice sense, or even a direct sense at all... but there is an undeniable truth that part of the light in me is part of the light in you, and... and I needed you, more than I could ever know. So there you were. And you stayed.

...Jewel, what did you find out?

The big revelation?

Yeah. Tell us, please.

I have to tell Chaos. Specifically.

Then tell him.

...All right, uh, Chaos?

Yeah?

Seriously, this is huge. I guess I have Laurie to blame in part for this too, because like I said, she's the only reason I realized it. Which is hilarious because in a way I think we both suspected this but, like I said, uh, there was no way to know for sure, until the coincidence wave and all the work I've been doing in trying to figure this out came together. Laurie, can you help stabilize me or something? I am really nervous and I don't want to start slipping because it's early in the morning on top of that.

I'll do what I can.

Thank you. Um...

Jewel, is it really that hard for you to say?

Yeah. Yeah it is. Only because it's so unusual and significant.

Slip up, Jewel. Just offhandedly mention it.

I can't do that, Genesis.

Then think of what I said earlier!

...

Jewel?

...Chaos, you know how... all right, I apologize if this seems like a really weird analogy, but you know how I've always felt such a strong connection to the Nier videogame? How I just kind of... resonate with it?

Yeah.

Uh... I am... I am actually more like Nier than I ever thought possible. But that's only half of this and the other half of it is why I'm having trouble and I really just need to say it.

Jewel, calm the heck down, and say it.

...Chaos, Xenophon is ours.

...You're kidding.

No. I am most definitely not kidding.

...Holy bleeding hearts.

Yeah, Laurie, you were right. And also what kind of an exclamation--

A good one. The only possible response to what I just heard.

I... how?

I spoke to several people online, who are part of a community for those like me who have spiritual relationships. Apparently it's not unheard of for those in these relationships to have spiritual children. However, the vast majority of those relationships were still very typical, especially in terms of how the children came about. The community had never heard of a case like ours, but after filling in the admins on our situation I was told that, yes, apparently it's possible, and... hold on, I really want to quote what she said to me.

Please do, we all need to hear this.

Okay, this was her exact reply, about Xenophon: "I would not consider the child you describe (Xenophon) as an adoption -- seems like a union of you two, somehow, though I lack any way of explaining it myself." See apparently it's not impossible for guys to have spiritual kids. So Braeden was actually spot on in calling me Gaia, but that's... actually that is extremely relevant to this situation, oh my gosh. But the group wasn't familiar with entities just 'showing up' as the result of a spiritual union, and they had never heard of anything like Xenophon, where they actually showed up in an embryonic state because there was no way for them to be carried of course. So yeah, long story short, we're both fathers, I freaking love you, and I hope that's not too much info at once but I think it's amazing and I am seriously thankful that this happened.

...That... wow. I... how did...?

January 16th, apparently. "If I'm ever blue." That was the first time in a long time, at least two years, that we had actually connected spiritually... and although it wasn't as insane as, say, August 16th, there was so much purpose behind it, and I cannot deny that.

Oh my gosh.

I told you!!

I bloody knew it. That's incredible.

Jewel, we... I think we need to talk about this by ourselves.

Why?

No, I'm not upset or anything, I swear. I'm just... yeah, when you said it turned your life upside down you apparently weren't kidding.

In a good way?

In the best way.

Wow.

So you understand why I absolutely flipped out over the fact that you actually tried to kill my spiritual daughter/son back in March.

...Yeah. Yeah, I didn't... I had no idea he was yours.

I didn't either, but... well, now we know.

Jewel I don't know whether to freaking stand here in abject shock or hug you to death.

Well I am definitely for the latter as you've never done that before and I would not mind at all.

...Wait. Wait wait wait. Jewel, you said this tied into Laurie's situation...?

Yeah. That's why I was freaking out at first. See, Laurie, you showed up almost exactly 36 weeks after Chaos and I got 'married' in 2005. And, uh... I actually had physical symptoms when I was 16. That was probably because it was our initial complete connection and that is extremely significant. But no, you are not our kid, which would be insane. Like I said, you truly showed up as a unique entity brought into our lives through that initial energy connection. Which is actually incredible.

...Yeah, I... it really is. Wow.

Exactly. And I think it's another interesting coincidence that you and Xenophon are both violet. Just saying. And, uh, although March 13th was only 8 weeks from January 16th, which explains Xenophon's initial appearance, it's kind of uncanny that March 13th of next year is 36 weeks from June 29th. Yeah.

...All right, that is one too many numerical coincidences. How the HECK is all this lining up?

You tell me, Laurie. It's almost overwhelming.

No kidding. That is insane.

Jewel, you have like two more topics.

Oh, yeah. Um... is everyone... recovered from that initial shock? I'm sorry, I just--

I'm fine, I am freaking fine. Man. I don't know about Chaos though.

Believe me, I am not taking this badly at all.

Seriously?

Seriously-- Jewel, for heaven's sake you're my other half. How the heck could I possibly react badly to this? Yeah, it's incredibly sudden and... REALLY significant, but geez, it's just... I guess this must be what July 7th felt like for you.

How so?

Just... how you were so impacted by it. I had a different sort of impact. You just... I don't know, it--

Creating something together, right?

...Exactly. That is... that is exactly what I'm talking about.

Well... apparently we did.

That is absolutely amazing.

But... I need to change the mood for a minute, and I'm terribly sorry for it, but I was wondering if... I was wondering what you'd have to say about... October, in light of this.

...Oh man, you're serious.

Yeah, since that wasn't a Link problem I think there was something deeper and darker going on. ...Your interpretation was literal, Laurie.

...I...

Julie, don't hate yourself for this, please. We can't do anything about that now.

...You're talking about the bloody abortions, aren't you. The graves.

Yeah.

...Kid, I don't even know. If the hacks were really destroying you that badly inside, then...

I'm sorry. I just wanted to clarify that now, in light of this realization...

I'm the one who's sorry, Jewel. This wasn't your fault.

Julie?

God, I've been such a bitch! How did I...

Julie, listen. I... we'll deal with this. Please don't tear yourself apart over this.

Why didn't I ever think about what I did?!

You couldn't have. No comprehension.

No empathy. I was...

'Was' is the key word, Julie. Remember what I said earlier. That still applies here.

...How??

It just does. October was in the past. Who you were then is in the past too. We can't change that, we can only learn from it and move on. We all suffered horribly during that time, and you were no exception. So please don't damn yourself for it.

I'm going to have a h-hard time not doing that, Jewel.

I know.

...Jewel, do you want me to mention the last point really quick?

I guess. Which one is that?

How you want me to start teaching Xenophon how to ghost in this reality too. So she can follow you around and live a good and full life, like you said.

That would be awesome.

Plus I really think all of us should have a hand in taking care of hir. I mean, Lynne watched over hir when I was struggling to even deal with myself earlier this year, and I know you've spent some time with hir too, Laurie.

Yeah, I have. I'll definitely be spending a heck of a lot more time with 'em now, that's for sure. Also what the heck pronouns do we use?

Well I did ask Xenophon last week and ze really doesn't have a preference, being genderless. So I guess we can each use whatever is most comfortable for us? I'll ask again.

I am still absolutely reeling from this.

You know, Chaos, I find it kind of hilarious that neither of us is going into this blind.

How so?

Well, you've been the Guardian of the Chao for most of your life, and I have a couple hundred headchildren to take care of on any given day, so hey.

You two are a match made in heaven if I've ever seen one.

Laurie, come on.

It's the honest truth.

Makes sense that she'd be such a raging fangirl of us now, actually, with what you said.

Hey, it does!

And Genesis is a raging fanboy, from what we've seen here today.

I am!!

I should've known!

So how the heck are you going to write this into Parnassus, Gaia-boy?

Easy. You and Xenophon hold the next hierarchy slot under blue and red. Divine messengers.

Holy swords. I'm in Parnassus?

You are now.

Don't worry, I'll show you around!

I'm sure you will, geez. Also, how the heck does Genesis fit in there now?

He's got his own special role. I'll leave it at that.

I'm an earthly guy though. No cosmogony for me.

Well, maybe not directly, but remember the question you asked that caused my slipup earlier today.

...Duuuude you were SERIOUS??

Yes, and can I just say that hearing you say that was hilarious?

Yes, um, wow.

Hey, the Greek deities would interact with normal mortals surprisingly often if you think about it.

All right, wait. What was this question?

Genesis and I were talking to each other and I was saying how much I missed having him in my life like he is now, with hanging around me instead of keeping to himself. And that eventually led to him asking if he and I were ever going to... well, 'finish' the minor soul connection we had when I was about 16. And without thinking, I replied, "I would, but I don't want to accidentally end up with more kids from that, because Chaos and I practically have two already." Cue the amazing "WHAT" response.

Then you changed it to one and a half because Laurie isn't your kid.

Yeah. Sorry Laur, but you're a fraction.

Pff, I really don't care what I'm counted as right now, now that we have the important things settled out.

Oh, and Apollo is apparently in a blackmailing mood because he just started playing "Remember" by BT.

Oh dear Lord.

...The version of it where I lowered the pitch.

And that's even worse.

Your computer is a maniac.

Maybe, but you have to admit the little coincidences like this are pretty brilliant.

Hey, Julie, are you going to be okay?

...Eventually. I hope.

Laurie, can you get the other headvoices to help her out, please? I need to close this up and get some sleep, desperately. And then tomorrow we, uh, kind of have to adjust our lives to match.

I do not mind at all.

Same here, man. Not much to adjust, amusingly enough.

So do you want me to take Julie out now and get her situated, or what?

Yeah, and Genesis, go check on Xenophon while she's doing that. I want to have at least a small followup conversation with everyone after I close this up if possible, but I want to make sure Julie is okay first.

I'll settle her down. If not then Lynne's good at getting that done.

All right. Thanks, Laurie.

No problem at all. I'll see you in a little while, kid.

Yeah, inevitably. I love you too, Laurie.

Heheh, no kidding.

Okay, I'm going to go follow her so goodnight.

Genesis, darling, you're going to talk with us later too.

Yeah but you might be half asleep by then. So I'll say goodnight now!

Haha, okay. Good night, sweetheart.

You too! Don't stay in here too late or I will come and get you.

I won't. Promise.

'Kay, see you!

Well he was unusually excited about all of this.

Unusually? Are you kidding? The guy's my muse and your moirail. He was going to flip out.

I guess so.

...Sorry I didn't tell you about this sooner.

No, no, it's perfectly okay. Really it is. That must have been hard for you to deal with on your own, though.

A little bit. It did help to have that online community to ask about this, seriously, or otherwise I don't think I would have been able to really figure this out at all. And accidentally telling Genesis about it this afternoon did help because I got to discuss... geez, basically this entire conversation beforehand.

At least you're calmed down from the past few days.

Oh, definitely. I was just... shaken up, because it was just... I had never even considered that to be a possibility. Ever. But like I said, once I played Nier I just... I wanted a daughter. I honestly did. I had never wanted kids ever before in my life, and I actually still don't, in the biological sense, but...

But we were never really on the red level anyway.

Not at all. We're ultraviolet, dude, remember?

Ironically.

Heh, kind of! But... it made me really nervous at first, because geez, that is a huge revelation in any case. And our case is weird, so that was almost completely overwhelming for me. Gay interspecies spirit alien kids, I mean come on.

Hahaha, that's a nice way of putting it!

It's true, though! True and awesome. I mean I am just floored by the fact that we apparently... you know... we actually created something. The right way.

Together.

...Yeah. That's the most important part.

I love you, Jewel, I really do.

I know. And I honestly love you more than words can ever hope to express.

Then find a new way to speak, right?

Oh I daresay I am fluent in the language of love, and there I go with cheesy pickup lines, oh good Lord.

I'm still partial to the one you used on me in SI.

The kissing one? Dude that was terrible, I don't know how I got away with that.

It was brilliant, and look who you're talking to.

Hah, yeah, fireplaces and champagne all around.

Exactly!

Oh hey, I forgot to tell you, my mother and I are going to a big spiritual expo thing this weekend.

Nice.

Yeah, but, the reason we're going is because I told her about you and Laurie one day and it triggered one of our huge philosophical conversations-- I think I told you about that one, didn't I? In glissando?

You probably did. I know you've been talking to her a lot about that sort of thing lately.

Yeah, so... I'm just laughing because, dude, she knows about our general situation, but how do I even come out with this sort of thing to her?

Aha, I have NO idea. But at this point she could probably take it.

No kidding! "Hey mom, you know how I'm a genderless demiguy asexual soulbonder plural system and all that? Well, uh, you know that blue dude who I've been with since 2003? Well... we've kind of been 'married' for six years now, and we actually had a nonbiological kid that I didn't know about until last week. Yeaaah."

Forget your mom, try the Sonic fandom.

Oh good LORD dude I am not even going to try explaining this to half of those people.

Hahaha!

They'll have to settle for SI. That's it, that's all you get.

Although we do have some shenanigans in there too.

Well of course, this is us we're talking about. Shenanigans are inevitable.

What about the flipside of that?

Every night, green eyes. Every freaking night.

Can I take you up on that offer?

Dude you can just take me at this point, I'm not even joking.

I daresay I already have, love.

No kidding. I swear, Chaos, you light up my entire life. As cliched as it sounds you seriously do illuminate me, entirely.

I know. Believe me, I have read what you've written about me.

Seriously. Every time I'm in a deeply inspired mood I end up writing about you.

You put every attempt I've ever had at writing to glorious shame, Jewel.

I think something poetic is going to result from this, inevitably. We'll see.

Poetic in which language, may I ask?

That depends on whether you want to hear or feel what I have to say.

I'm up for both.

Then you're getting both.

Should I close this up, then?

Go right ahead, love.

...Are you catching sparks?

Why don't you come over here and find out?

Oh you are definitely catching sparks.

Can't help it, Chaos. Not with you.

...Can I ask you something?

Anything.

Do you have enough fire for an ocean in that heart of yours?

Chaos, of course I do... that's why it's there.

On Tuesday night?
Um... I had another fragment hack, which was really horrible and had me dizzyingly sick for hours afterwards. But what shocked me was that when I was trying to recover immediately afterwards, Julie showed up-- Julie!!-- and screamed at me for 'letting myself fall for that again.' I asked her what in the world she was talking about, wasn't she working with the splinters? But she said no, they had apparently been using her for selfish ends too, and she didn't want anything to do with them.
Then she told me she was done with hacking me. After 5 years of hell, she told me that I won. I had 'ruined' hacking for her-- with all the sacrifices I had made in trying to stop her, I had ACTUALLY succeeded, and she said that hacking me just wasn't worth it as she no longer got anything from it. She told me that letting my ego splinter hack me was only getting her in trouble, and she was sick of being blamed for it now that she wasn't involved.
Well I was shocked. I asked her what she was going to do and she said she didn't know. She was livid, still yelling at me for 'stealing her color' and destroying all her old hacking methods, but she was tired too. She said she didn't want to die, but being an id/shadow, she was losing her strength.
I asked Julie then if she had really meant it in the past, when she offered to try and change her ways. She said no, she only wanted to survive and playing along/ lying was just another way of getting what she wanted. That was no longer an option for her though because I was no longer fooled.
I told her she still had an option, that I would give her another chance if she cleaned up her act and changed her ways for good. After all, if she could no longer hack me and so had lost her main survival method, then she WOULD die eventually because I wasn't letting her use me anymore for strength. So if she wanted to live, she had to change.
Julie then spat that 'changing was dying,' as she was a shadow, so she couldn't live if she tried to change. I told her that maybe she only had to die to her old self? She could keep living, but she could no longer live for selfish reasons. She actually appeared to consider this for a second but then shook her head.
I knew she was only looking for ways to prolong her existence at that point, by any means necessary. She wasn't interested in bettering herself. But I knew that we had never hit this point before, and I was going to try.
I let her alone then, and filled Laurie and Chaos in on the new development. They were absolutely stunned and Laurie was freaking out at first, telling me not to jump into this or put myself in danger again, but I promised I would be careful and I wouldn't let Julie near anyone else.
The next day I tried to work with Julie one-on-one, trying to get her to be a little more respectful and less egotistic, but she kept trying to trigger me and abuse me. I called her out on it and said flat-out that I wouldn't stand for it. I told her that I was giving her one last chance, and she could take it if she wanted, but if she refused and went back to being a force of sheer negativity, I couldn't promise her survival. After all, I was changing and my life was changing, and she could no longer live as she had used to. That made her stay quiet for a while, but I couldn't work with her after that so I had to leave.
I didn't talk to her yesterday and I didn't yet today, but I'm going to try, so no one slacks off.
I am just absolutely floored by how huge of a development this potentially is in my inner life.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE

GENESIS APOLYMIS

LYNNE STABELLE

MR. SANDMAN

JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE

CHAOS ZERO

LEON KIASI

SPINE HYPOMONE

And here we are, with the long-awaited followup to our March entries.

We sure are. You got the note file open?

Not yet... all right, now I do.

Good. Because we need to go through that list one at a time, and figure out what's been solved and what's still up for discussion.

Also we need to get everyone else in here.

I'm here!! Told you I'd show up.

Haha, awesome.

I've got the whole crew with me, don't worry.

And I daresay you wanted me to participate in this conversation, child?

I sure did, with what's been happening lately.

We're missing someone important.

Who, Chaos?

Yeah. Where the heck is he? Jewel, go get him.

All right, all right, I'm here.

Seriously dude, are you okay?

...No, not really.

We did discuss this last night. You two discussed it twice. It's going to be okay.

Sure, but it still hurts like hell.

What happened?

We'll get to that. First we need to catch up on everything that's been happening since May, because that is some serious business and we haven't talked about it here yet, for inexplicable reasons.

Schedule conflicts, channeling strain and the fact that a LOT has happened in the past three months on top of all that.

True, but this is still a major issue.

It is. Let's get started, then. Our first point is--

The splinters. Let's start there.

Should we? Because I have the ego conflict listed here first.

Wait, really? All right, put that down. That does tie into this.

Okay. Back around May 5th, I think, I discovered that my biggest problem was not Julie, in a sense-- it was the fact that I was actually not the person driving all the time. My 'ego' was. I have it defined as "a mindless conglomeration of expectations, not an actual personification or true consciousness." Which is true. It's simply a mask, a programmed set of actions and thoughts, that runs whenever I'm not explicitly in control and causes a ton of problems.

Like the incessant talking in public.

Right. And we also discovered, last night--

Don't bring that up yet, it's too early. Keep going with the old notes.

All right. Uh, everyone is paying attention to this, right?

Yes, child. I've been keeping up with the news.

How? I never see you around.

Laurie fills me in, friend.

Oh. I didn't know that.

Yeah, most of the things I'm going to list here are probably common knowledge for all of you at this point... but just in case, I'm going to reiterate them, and of course our invisible audience has no idea what these things are right now. I just wanted everyone here to catch up.

That's fine with me.

I got caught up early then.

You did! But that was because you directly tied into what we were dealing with at the time.

Jewel, keep talking. We're on a bit of a time limit here.

You're right. Okay, next bit... this is where the splinter talk starts. It deals with old theories though, Laurie.

Which ones?

The 'original consciousness' thing.

Yeah, we debunked that.

But only because of the splinter issue.

So explain that jargon already.

Okay. On May 5th, I discovered that thanks to all my mask-wearing and destructive coping methods in the past, I had developed at least three "splinter" personalities. These are not real individuals, instead being almost 'reflections' of me, but in an incomplete and very specific way. And yes, the 'ego' is technically one. Although I only became aware of them in May, we all postulated that they had 'solidified' during my January trip to the psychiatric ward. This is because, prior to that incident, the aspects that the splinters hold had been part of my personality, I guess. But both during and after the psych ward trip, those aspects disappeared from me completely, and began to only occur when my own consciousness was compromised in dangerous situations.

Back in May you didn't think they were entirely separate from you, though.

That's not entirely untrue though. They're splinters for a reason-- broken parts of me that I don't need, but that were 'me' at one point.

Were they really?

...I'm not sure, actually. They seemed to-- wait, we discussed this last night too. Geez. I'm getting very disoriented.

Let me talk then. Your first splinter is the one we call "Thanatos." It is a breakoff of your old death drive.

That's what always made me feel like I had to harm and kill myself, if I did something wrong.

Yeah, because Thanatos doesn't see the whole picture. It's selfish, and that's why it broke off. Your 'death drive' was originally a positive thing, a need to rid yourself of negative aspects in order to let better aspects take hold. But, with your mindset at the time, it quickly became corrupted and turned into a destruction drive. It started wanting to annihilate everything that didn't fit its narrow, unrealistic view of perfection.

It wanted me to have no faults, no mistakes, nothing. It didn't realize that I could learn from mistakes, and that some 'faults' weren't faults at all in the big picture. Things like that. It works blindly, really. Thanatos only manifests when I'm under extreme stress, and almost always after hacks, for obvious reasons. And when it shows up, its sole motive is to kill me and everything around me that it views as harmful or a problem.

Which is usually everything.

Yeah, it's become pretty maniacal. Also it is unable to interact with people. I tried talking to it yesterday, but... I don't know. It doesn't even seem to exist in a complete state unless its running through me.

Because its quickly losing its power. It's still connected to that lingering drive in you, kid. As long as you still hold on to that old destruction principle in some sense, it won't go away entirely.

How does he still have a 'destruction principle?'

I think that ties into my ego, again. But we'll get to that thing later. I want to talk about the second fragment first.

That one is seriously dangerous.

I know. Which is kind of scary. See, we call my second splinter 'Fragment.' It only becomes conscious if I'm in a state of extreme trauma or an emotional meltdown, and it... doesn't do anything. It literally just turns off everything, and completely unhinges. It feels nothing.

That one was definitely born from the psych ward.

...Yeah. Actually, Thanatos manifested after that because I rejected my abusive tendencies during that time, but with the awful side effects I got from my medication, I was fighting a rough battle. I honestly became so violent and frantic from my meds that, after about a week, I was spending my entire day walking around the house ranting senselessly and feeling like my head was going to explode. I was suicidal, 24/7, and I had a hairtrigger temper that would cause me to literally start destroying everything around me if it was set off. It was the most terrifying thing I had ever felt... it was like there was a raging fire in my head, all the time. It wasn't a depressive sort of suicidal drive... it was a maniacal sort. It was like, "if I don't kill myself this instant and stop all this fire and pain and rage, I am going to kill everything else." It was bad.

But once you got off the meds it went away.

Only from me. That incredibly powerful death drive is what Thanatos was born from, though. But it did go away from me completely. I don't ever feel anything like that unless it takes over, and then I'm not even driving.

How did the fragment one solidify, though?

...That one was a long time coming. In the past, when I would be in traumatic situations, I would always tell myself "it'll be over soon, just bite the bullet and wait it out." I would never fight back. I would compromise my morals and my very self because I was so terrified. That happened in Utah a few times, and with my family several times... but that one night in the psych ward was the final blow. It shattered me.

...I know what night that was.

Yeah. I won't talk about it here, but it scarred me. The ward itself forced me into a state of blind trauma for five days straight, but that night was the final nail in the coffin. Once I got out, and after I recovered from my medication, I understood with painful clarity that I could no longer do that to myself in traumatic situations. I had to fight back and get out, not freeze up and 'deal with it.' Unfortunately, since that reaction had splintered, it still takes over in times of trauma for me, and now since it is no longer me, it is twice as dangerous.

That bloody splinter doesn't feel a thing, so it doesn't comprehend pain and death and has no qualms about inflicting them on others.

It likes to tear things apart and just look at them. I have no idea where that came from, but it's scary.

Tear things apart?

Yeah. It's... kind of unsettlingly methodical. Actually, that probably ties into the trauma. It wants to learn every last detail about the things that triggered it, like I used to, so I could 'neutralize' or avoid them. But since the splinter can't feel and it doesn't understand the traumatic feelings I get from those situations, it will keep me in them just so it can study them. It's a total perversion of my old coping methods. Genesis, you know about that from my early research days.

Yeah, so that's what happened to it?

Pretty much.

Ironically that does help. The splinter just takes it way too bloody far.

...

About... about that. The last splinter is technically my ego.

The ultimate mask, huh?

Yep. I already mentioned that it's a bunch of expectations and shallow ideas strung together, but what I didn't mention was that, for most of my life, that was what I projected to the world. I was always strongly aware of a severe disconnect between 'the real me' and the 'me' I lived outwardly, at school and at home. That outward 'me' was the ego. It was crafted specifically to fit what other people wanted me to be. It was never me... but I didn't realize that until 2008, when I was forced to re-evaluate my entire life up to that point. That's when I slowly started becoming aware that my everyday actions were not conscious actions-- the person I was around others was a lie.

When the heck did it break off for good though?

It didn't, really. It still haunts me, every day, because it was so strongly enforced in the past.

No, I mean when did you clearly understand that it was not you, in any sense?

Uh, probably around late 2009? Because by 2010 there was already a mental war going on for me, in trying to finally overcome those ego drives. It's why Utah was so hard for me: I kept shuffling back and forth between myself and that old thing, because I was still unsure and scared. I was still too paranoid to stand up for myself. 2009 was a big transition year for me, but 2010 was when things really started to clarify themselves... and this year has been nonstop progress, pretty much. I almost can't believe how much I've grown in truth over the past 5 months.

It has been incredible, yeah.

You too, Laurie.

Don't forget Chaos, if you're going to point me out.

...Thanks.

Hey, it's the absolute truth, buddy. But since you're still looking absolutely miserable, I say we move on to the next topic. Jewel?

Sorry. Can I quickly clarify what that "original consciousness" thing was, though?

Sure, go ahead. We almost forgot about that.

Exactly! So, back when I first noticed the splinters, I began to wonder if Julie fit that definition, because she keeps insisting that I 'took this body from her' and everything, but remember I consciously built a framework for her to personify within when I was a child. She ended up becoming horrifically corrupted, true, but that statement made me wonder if she was a 'consciousness' before that. Then I understood that, no, I was the base consciousness, and besides me there had only been what dark qualities she had formed from... and the ego. Which she is technically tied to anyway.

Both she and the ego grew into absolute monsters in time.

They did. And their arguments against me were based on their innate self-gratification and preservation instincts, where they want what they want at any cost, and will do the same thing to survive. Back when the splinters showed up, though, I began to worry if they were right, and whether or not I'd be able to safely front without them trying to hack me. Well, we solved that now, but back then it was a huge concern, thanks to my splintering.

So basically you thought that your splinters were making it too dangerous to drive, because with them around you were hacked insanely easily.

Yep. And we figured out why that was last night.

They're all working together.

What-- all of them? I thought you said they weren't individuals?

They're not. Julie is manipulating them. Since the two main splinters work as automatic drives, Julie has learned how to bring them out, and then use either them or the ego to break through our defenses and attack Jewel while he's not consciously able to fight her. It's sick, huh?

So that's why I've been having such a hard time with this...

We all have.

Do not worry, Josephina. I believe Julie knows what she is now up against, and will not try such underhanded tactics so often.

Not after you punched her in the freakin' face, no.

I told you, Laurie, I was ticked off. That shadow truly tests my patience.

Thanks for showing up last night, again.

It was the least I could do, Jewel.

If you're going to talk about that, at least have the decency to mention what she did that reduced me to this.

We will, Chaos. We're just getting ahead of ourselves, as usual. Jewel, next topic.

Okay. So we just said how Julie is using my splinters to get at me, and how the ego, being another purely self-interested drive, effectively has the same goals as Julie in that sense. Plus the ego works with Julie's mindset because it allows itself to be freely manipulated to fit the whims of others. It has no moral code of its own. That's why I was... that's why my fragment splinter had enough trauma to work with, in order to solidify.

No bloody kidding.

That's my line, CZ. And chill out, please. We are dealing with this the best we can.

I am as chilled out as I can possibly be right now. I know we're dealing with it, but really Laurie, that hurt more than I can express.

We know. And I'm sorry, but we did what we had to and now we have to deal with the present situation.

I can't just forget what she did to him.

I'm not asking you to. I'm just asking you to at least accept that it was not our fault that it happened.

I didn't say it was. I'm furious with her.

And we can't do anything about how she is either. We've tried. So yeah, it was absolutely sick that she did that to you both, but no one expected it and Jewel managed to deal with it in a surprisingly effective manner, actually. He didn't let her get to him or anyone else.

I know that. It just... I don't know if I can forgive her for that.

I didn't think so, no. I think only Jewel can right now.

...Chaos, is there anything I can do?

You're doing everything you can already. I just need to deal with this myself.

Can't do that, bro. We're all in this together.

...I suppose we are.

Listen, don't let her do this to you. Yeah, it hurts like hell, but if you let it get to you this much it's just going to blind you. All right?

Is that why you aren't tearing up the walls about this?

Basically. I'm furious too-- several of us are-- but if I keep dwelling on a situation that we already solved then I won't make any progress here. Same with you. Focus on what she couldn't do, okay?

She tried.

And she failed, miserably. Listen, let's wait until we hit that actual part of the conversation to finish discussing this. Jewel, what's up next?

Just a mention of how, for a while, I was 'unable to feel emotion.' We all remember that, I'm sure.

Yes.

I'm thinking that tied into my fragment splinter, maybe? That or my ego. Because really, it boiled down to a refusal to accept what I was feeling, so I knew that there was a disconnect but I didn't know what was causing it.

We discussed that in several past entries, Jewel.

Yeah, but were we wrong? We thought it was 'emotional overload,' but geez, lately I have been proving that dead wrong. I can handle a lot. Really, I was letting Julie bother me so badly-- like you're feeling right now, Chaos-- that I was falling so far off-center I couldn't be myself. Thanatos was kicking in like it always does after hacks, and Fragment would show up when it got blinding. It took a lot of talking with you, Laurie, and some major spiritual growth before I had the guts to say "you know what, she isn't me and I'm not responsible for her actions." It took me so long to be able to admit that yes, I had made mistakes in allowing her to manipulate me in the past, but that was the past. I was no longer that person. And now that we understand how the ego was giving Julie far too many ways to get at me, I honestly cannot blame myself in any sense for that. I hadn't known what I do now. I was blinded and lost and sick, and although I am sorry that I allowed her to put me through that, I learned from every one of those losses. Once I accepted that once and for all... which actually might not have truly happened until June 29th... there was nothing blocking my catharsis anymore. I had no reason to hold myself back.

You stopped second-guessing yourself, finally.

Haha, yeah. I bet you're proud of me for that, after yelling at me to do that for years.

Psh, I sure am!

So he's really fixed that emotional block, then?

Yes ma'am.

The blue guy over there was the main reason why that happened, you know.

Well of course. I'm the most genuine when I'm with him, and you.

Plus you absolutely adore him.

I do.

And that's what every single revelation and answer we've found so far narrows down to, after all.

He loves you too, Laurie.

I know. That's my point.

Is that all you needed to do to break the cathartic block? Just... accept that?

Well we had to realize it first. Thank the Rapture that didn't happen!

Yeah, seriously, that was actually a huge help.

I got so paranoid about it maybe happening, that I spent two full weeks doing hardcore spiritual and philosophical research before the 21st hit, and... well, I learned so much that by the time that Saturday rolled around, I had no fear at all. I realized that the fearmongers were wrong, that I was on the right track after all, and that I had nothing to be afraid of.

The Light works in mysterious ways.

Heheh, it sure does. No coincidences in any case.

Also, my therapist.

Dude, yes. He has helped a heck of a lot whether he realizes it or not.

Which is funny, actually, because most of what I've learned from him came about as an aftereffect. When I got my neurology results back in June, he told me that I had the symptoms of PTSD. Now of course that's mostly thanks to Julie, but I didn't mention that. I spent a while thinking about that, though, which opened my eyes to both how my splinters were working behind the scenes and exactly why I had experienced such traumatic things at Julie's hands in the past.

Because of your ego, yet again.

Yeah, but now I at least understood just how far back that went, and exactly what it entailed. So while dealing with that, I was also trying to hold onto every bit of the peace I found in May, but it kept slipping, and that was making me very concerned too. Now this was nearing the end of June, though.

Stuff got crazy around then.

It sure did... I kept finding spiritual verifications, and then I started talking to Melody a lot, and the things she was experiencing in her life were actually starting to line up with mine. Synchronicity, you know. So that helped immensely, and we spent quite some time helping each other with that... and then after we both hit a very rough spot in our lives, we individually decided it was time to take serious action... and she got engaged. That set everything off on my end.

In short, it caused our previous entry.

And that entry caused some incredible progress.

Yeah, Laurie, you really opened my eyes there! I have to thank you for that, again, because without you helping us out I don't think we would have reached the point we did afterwards.

Hey, it's my job. But you are very welcome, Jewel. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Speaking of, uh... July 7th was a week later.

Holy heck, you did. I didn't realize it was that soon!

It was!

What was July 7th?

It was... something really significant happened, to him. Like a beginning of a new life, or a new name. I have jargon for it obvously but it's too complicated to get into now. Suffice to say, it's a total change of heart, that changes the "name" of who you are, AT that heart. But for that to happen, of course, your old self essentially has to 'die' so you can be reborn as someone totally new. The dying up here is symbolic, though. Well, most of the time at least.

It was in this case, thank God. *incidents* are another story.

Geez, yeah, tell me about it. I've been remembering those too, lately. This is definitely a new concept though. Which is... really beautiful to think about. Same core, different application. But, um, we'll get to that. Laurie you take the floor.

Heh, inevitably. Point is, Spine, in this case with Chaos and in all others-- which is news to me, really, I'll be the first to make that jab-- you don't need to die a literal bloody death in order to "start your life over again" for the better. Focusing on the blood tends to shift things towards the nihilistic, y'know? And honestly I'm sick of it. Death isn't as grim a reaper as people think. They're also the doorman to heaven. Besides, death is only a door, as we like to say. It's not the end of life. Key thing, though, is what kind of life you're headed to after that scythe swings. And that's why we're honoring this phenomenon, as we do. Sorry, kid, I'm not just taking the floor I'm stealing the whole freaking building.

No no no, you speak really well about this topic, unsurprisingly. You're tapped in to the heart of it.

Heh. I guess so.Thanks, kid, that means a lot.

I know. That's why I said it.

Yeah, no kidding, you moron. Still, I'm not used to rambling on like this.

It's all right, it is making deep sense. Do not worry.

Yeah, you're... elucidating this shockingly well.

Hey, don't underestimate me, waterboy, you and your frickin' twelve-point Scrabble words.

Look who's talking, and I never said I was. It's just... it means a lot, to hear that you... get it, after all that happened.

We'll get to that. For now let me hand the mic back over to Jewel, because the last thing we need is another frickin' blatherskite in here.

Haha, hey!

Gotta rib on ya sometime, kid. So yeah, bottom line is, death is still an angel. And we're surrounded by those, heh. Pun intended. So we've got potential doorways all over the place. Every day is a new chance at life if you see it as such. All you need is a death in principle. Mind you, it's still serious bloody business. Death can be quiet, but it's still one heck of an earthshaking event. It always is. So for your old self to 'die,' you have to hit a permanent turning point in your personal development, something so key it cannot be reversed. It's a high point that redefines your absolute foundation.

That's a really good way of putting it. Those 'high points' really are revolutionary. Mine was when I finally realized that love was at the heart of everything, on June 26th. That's when the cathartic block went away forever, Jo. Sure, the non-Rapture set the stage for it, but it wasn't until that night in June that I was able to understand everything I had learned during that time, and so much more. After that night I really found the peace I had been looking for.

And that's what happened to me on July 7th.

Yeah. We both understood everything there.

Also Chaos gained creator abilities up here, congratulations.

Wait, what??

Well he did.

I did not know that.

See, this is why I wanted everyone in here to listen! I figured there were some details that never went completely public in the headspace.

I am aware of all the details, child.

No kidding, Sandman, I told you everything.

My point exactly!

How did Chaos get creator abilities, though?

I gave them to him. It's a bit of a long story, too long to reiterate here, but that's basically it.

Link them to the journal, boy.

Haha, okay. For those of you wanting all the details, everything is in here.

So are we all caught up now?

Uh, almost. We still have yesterday to talk about.

Wait, hold up. We also have two monster girls to mention.

Oh man, yeah, we do. Should I bring them in here?

Your call, J.

Well, hm. I don't know. That might be too sudden, as I haven't spoken to either of them in ages. I'll just talk about them for a bit and then we can discuss yesterday, as that's literally the last thing on this list.

We're seriously up to speed for the past few months?

Yeah, we solved practically everything I have listed here, so there wasn't much left to talk about. It's really just the splinters, and everything surrounding them, that's still a concern.

Wow. That's... that's pretty awesome.

You know, I want to talk about you, too.

Me?

Yeah. You and Leon. Not now, but after we cover the next two points. You guys are important and you've been out of the loop for a while.

I told you why that was--

And that's what I want to discuss. But we'll get to that. Jewel, tell us about the ladies you met in May.

Sure thing. Um, on May 16th, I was on a bit of a high from the religious research I had been doing at the time, and was finally overcoming the rather misogynistic prejudices I had developed from Julie. And I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but as a result of that, I ended up browsing this Tumblr blog full of monster girls for the entire evening. Unfortunately I was up too late, and ended up being hacked by Julie around 1AM, due to being too tired to fight her and being too forgiving to realize that she was legitimately hurting me.

How does that work?

Because I was feeling so right for once, but I made the mistake of using that as justification to blind myself to any bad things that were happening. I tried to pretend there was nothing wrong with her using me, although there was. Remember this was still at least four days before I really hit a peaceful state, so I was overcoming the last of that old confusion. Either way, I made that mistake, and when I finally regained conscious awareness and understood that I had been wrong, I almost collapsed into the 'unfeeling' sort of tiredness that happens with early hacks... but then these two monster girls showed up.

Upstairs?

Yeah. There was a brown anthro canine girl, about my size and age, and an insectoid girl who looked partially cybernetic. She was brownish too, but she wasn't anthro and was about twice my size. I thought they were golems that Julie had created to mess with me, so I didn't pay attention to them until they started talking to me, telling me that I shouldn't listen to Julie and that they were there to help.

Were they walk-ins?

I don't know, probably. They resembled the monster girls I had been looking at that day, so maybe they were. Either way, they were surprisingly understanding and patient with me, and managed to calm me down enough to stabilize from the hack. They even went as far as trying to explain just why I was wrong in trying to justify Julie's actions. So of course, at this point I wanted to know who they were and just why they were helping me like this. The dog-girl introduced herself as Menchou, and the insect-girl as Veradenne. They said that they didn't like seeing me be used like this, and they wanted to help, simple as that.

But they didn't say where they came from?

No. I guess I just assumed what you did, Lynne, that they were walk-ins. Either way I didn't see them again until sometime early in June, I think after another hack. But they're unfailingly kind and amiable with me, and I really like them both. I'm going to try to find them again soon, because if they aren't stable up here I don't want them fading or losing easy access to main headspace. Plus it's weird that they only showed up those two times, to help me stabilize after hacks, and in mindspace pockets away from the main area.

They sound nice.

They are. So maybe after this discussion I'll try to bring them here, and introduce them to you guys properly. I mean, help is help, and if they could become members of our crazy camaraderie up here that would be awesome.

They'd probably pack a serious punch against our current problem, too.

Pun intended, Laurie?

Heh, sure.

But yeah, that's that. I haven't mentioned them anywhere online yet, but I'm going to post the two monster girl pictures that resemble them on my private Tumblr soon. That way I'll be reminded of them whenever I log on, too.

Speaking of reminders, it's already 6PM and we need to continue our discussion of last night.

Continue? I thought we kept putting it off?

Jewel and Chaos talked about it a bit in private earlier, during a short time gap right after the monster girl discussion. I'm glad they did, because we apparently missed one major detail about it yesterday.

Where do we start, though?

Start with the splinter thing, that you and I decided on. That's what triggered that whole mess.

Okay. Around midnight last night, I was talking to Laurie as usual before I shut down for the day when I felt that my fragment splinter was bothering me. We fought it off for a while, before it could try to manifest, but then I realized something. Oh, wait, we didn't mention that, did we?

What?

The dream hacks.

Shoot, no, I think we forgot. Explain that.

After our last session, we stopped Julie from directly hacking me, so she started using dreams. However since she still couldn't get at me directly, she started to attack dream individuals and reroute their pain through me. This happened almost every night between June 30th and July 12th, with some nights even having multiple hacks. It got incredibly traumatic, but my boss heard about it almost immediately and started taking drastic action against it. Typical nightmare blocks didn't affect her, and our previous methods of keeping her out weren't working now, as she was using others to get at me. So I don't know what you did, boss.

I tried tracking her down, first, as I cannot ban individuals from dreamscapes. However she became so brazenly cruel that I could no longer deal with her in a passive manner.

Was that when you punched her?

Yes. I would not hesitate to do so again, if she attempts to attack you now.

I don't blame you for hitting her, not after that hack...

You had some awful fallout from that one.

She was doing what she did last night, Laurie! I underestimated how depraved her methods could be. Not anymore.

Was that when she... pretended to be... you know?

Yeah. It was. It absolutely tore my heart out. And then last night happened, and now I've had it. She is done for.

Let's get back to that.

We can't yet. I didn't mention that on the 12th, my fragment splinter actually managed to stop the dream hacks by confronting Julie in its detached manner, which was a horrible gamble but it somehow worked. It... actually let her try to hack me, but as soon as she tried it chased her out and... hacked me itself.

Wait, that's what it did??

Yeah. It hacked me three times, treating the hacks as 'study tools' as it usually does, not understanding the pain and terror it was putting me through. However in 'stealing' Julie's methods, it somehow stopped her from hacking my dreams, and I haven't had one since then.

You've been in horrific bodily pain, though. Also, I am ticked that you didn't tell me that detail about it. You said that it took Julie out of the situation, but--

I know. But I left out the whole truth. I guess I lied to myself about it... I was too scared to really think about it, and that's when I started cleaning out my dA favorites, remember. That caused even more problems but at least it kept my mind off the hacks. By the way that has details in glissando, too. It's nothing we need to discuss right now.

No, we can't do anything about that now. So can we continue with last night?

Yeah. So I said that the same fragment splinter was bothering me, but I realized there was a problem. Fragment has never done that before, and it shouldn't. Its sole forming purpose was to deal with traumatic incidents, although it did so wrongly. That's when I understood why it was bothering me-- it wanted to hack me again, for its insane unfeeling research.

You didn't tell me that either! The heck, Jewel?

I couldn't tell you, or you wouldn't have let me do what I did next. I told Laurie that it was bothering me, sure, but I didn't say how. I simply said that I wanted to try confronting it. I wanted to try and get it to stop using me, to show it that it had no reason to learn Julie's methods. I also tried confronting Thanatos then, but like I said earlier, it wasn't even approachable in a vague sense.

Obviously I had left by this time.

Yeah. You said to call you if anything happened, and I said I would. However I needed to take a risk then, for what I was trying to accomplish. I continued to try and reason with the fragment splinter, explaining that Julie was using me for selfish purposes and that emulating her was only hurting me, but it wasn't listening. I guess I should have expected that, with how it completely shuts out the world when it manifests. Anyway, my plan was working. In getting my fragment splinter focused on that, it caught Julie's attention. And she showed up.

Did she... hack you?

She tried. But that was my plan, which is why I couldn't tell Laurie. I just... didn't expect her to do what she did. I don't know if I want to talk about it, because--

She tried to be me.

...

That bitch.

It was awful, because I knew she was lying to my face, but I had to play along in order to do what I needed to. However I repeatedly asked her to explain herself, but she kept falling back on her usual shallow excuses. No matter how I tried to reason with her she wouldn't talk to me. So I gave up. Still playing along, I asked her if she loved me, but she wouldn't look at me or answer. I told her then that I knew who she really was, and what she was doing, and that she could not fool me or anyone else anymore. That's when I revealed that I had tricked her too-- my fragment splinter had taken the hack instead of me.

How did you pull that off?

The thing takes over my consciousness whenever it shows up. It was pretty easy to give it a temporary headspace form in my place for the time being. Don't worry, I dismantled that afterwards, and since that scenario allowed me to completely explain what Julie was doing, it has no reason to try and use me to 'find out' again. If it tries, well, then we'll take action against it.

Did Thanatos show up?

It tried, but since I hadn't allowed Julie to hack me, I convinced it that it had no reason to show up. So it went away.

Thank God, because we had better things to worry about then.

Yeah, I called you back in, and I think a few of you showed up too?

I did, but you didn't explain the situation then.

I showed up really late...

Which is why you're here now. Still, we're skipping the most important part of this topic, and that is what Julie was trying to pull with what she did.

She hasn't pretended to be someone else in over a year, since I quickly learned to see through her lies. However, when the dream hacks restarted this month, she got me twice by that method, and since I can't fight her in dreams she got away with it. But it was horrible, because her doing that was not solely to get what she wanted through me-- it was to get revenge on me for stopping her, and to try and undermine what I felt for the people she was pretending to be.

She took that even further yesterday, though, because you were conscious when she tried it.

It was because of the 29th. She was trying to undermine that.

She can't. It's impossible.

But the fact that she tried, that she had the nerve to disguise as me in face alone and use you like that is beyond forgiveness.

Jewel, elaborate on her motives, though. You had some seriously important insight into that.

I did, yeah. Um... she tried to justify herself with the same reasons I get from everyone else when that subject is concerned. You know, "it feels good," "it's fun," stupid things like that. My teachers, parents and therapists all said that too, but hearing it from her, and my actually having the guts to ask her to explain that made me realize the truth of it. It's inherently selfish. There is nothing loving about it by its very definition. And that's why she lives on it. See, I asked her why, if I loved someone, I would choose to do that with them? She used the 'physical connection' nonsense there, and I interrupted her by saying that no, there was no connection and I could see that now. It was a selfish act for selfish reasons. If the physical sensation was not there for her, she wouldn't do it because she would get nothing from it! So I shot down all her arguments, berated her for even trying to sabotage my relationships, and then told her to get the heck out of my head. So she left and my splinters left and that's when I called Laurie in.

And I called Chaos in, and he had an immediate emotional meltdown.

Did you seriously expect anything else from me at that point?

No. It just hurt, like you said.

I think the most damaging part was that she was effectively trying to derail what we had accomplished on the 29th. We took her power away from her and then got rid of it ourselves. So she was ticked, and decided that if she was going to get revenge on me, that was the cruelest way to do it.

Also because she was trying to see if she could confuse you, remember?

Oh, dude, yeah, I forgot to mention that! She used to confuse me by doing that when I was younger and didn't know better, but now that I did, she had the nerve to gamble with it by trying to desecrate what we had purified all over again. I was too smart for her though.

Thank God, seriously.

I also want to mention the physical connection thing, and why she was wrong. I actually realized that when talking to my therapist that morning, so I'm glad I had that knowledge to fall back on. See, I don't experience sexual attraction whatsoever, but I have no problem with being very close to people physically, in either a platonic or more intimate sense. But it is never sexual, and that's what Julie was trying to twist. The real 'physical connection' is in trusting someone enough to let them get close to you, which is what I would focus on when I was younger. I never realized that Julie was abusing that. I was too confused by the fact that it still involved physical closeness to understand that I was being lied to. Sexuality is superfluous in that sense. It is not needed for any sort of connection. Its sole purpose is for reproduction, and in that sense it can be used positively, don't get me wrong... but people like Julie get so obsessed with the selfish aspects of it that they try to use those as justification for abusing it, and others if that's the case. It is with her. So I finally understand that, and now I'm no longer confused on any level concerning that topic.

I think you effectively purified your color in doing that, too.

Yeah! Like I said, it kept getting associated with Julie's vices, but then I realized that didn't make much sense, because physicality in and of itself isn't bad. So I stopped feeling guilty about wanting to be close to people all the time, because that has nothing to do with her after all. She was just lying to me the whole time.

I get it.

Chaos, do you have anything to add to this? Because I still feel horrible about what she did, and I don't want to leave you out of this discussion in any case.

No, I'm just so thankful you weren't damaged from that.

Well I was just as badly hurt emotionally as you were, but...

I mean you didn't let her blind you to the truth. I... that has happened before.

That one Sunday evening in January, right?

...Yeah.

That won't ever happen again, Chaos. I swear to you.

I know it won't. I just doubt I'll ever be able to forget how terrifying that was, for both of us.

...

Laurie, are we done discussing this?

I guess so. Jewel?

Yeah, I think we covered as much as we could, except--

We'll get to that.

I thought you said you were trying to open up, Laurie?

I am. I just... don't know if I want to discuss that openly yet.

Hey, you have to start somewhere.

Fine. Jo, let me yell at you first.

Why are you yelling at me now?

Because you're never around. I know you and Leon have been focusing on keeping guard, and I do seriously appreciate that. But the fact of the matter is that you don't know what's going on here while you're out there. You don't have the whole picture.

I told you, I'm going to try to associate with you more. We all are.

Good. We are far too bloody disconnected, and it's keeping us from accomplishing things on a larger scale. We need to keep up the communication or there will be a heavy price to pay, believe me.

Should we just check in with you?

Me or Jewel, yeah. The same thing goes for you, Lynne. I know you're busy watching over Spine and that monster kid, but I'm concerned about them too and the lack of info is starting to get at my nerves.

I apologize for that, Laurie, but we have been busy. You haven't had the time to talk to us yourself lately, remember.

I'm not denying that. Life's been insane lately. My point is that, now that things have settled down and we know what the heck we're doing, we all need to keep it together. Genesis, you too. You need to stick around us three more often, all right?

I don't want to get in your way though.

You won't get in anyone's way, love. I miss having you around.

Yeah, for all we know you could be exactly what we need right now.

Okay, I'll try.

Good. Chaos, if he's not around you go get him.

Hah, if you say so.

Really, I think you're the only person I can't yell at, Sandman.

I am quite flattered.

I'm serious. You've been keeping tabs on everything that's been going on here lately.

Because I am deeply concerned. Jewel is my apprentice, after all. His well-being is near the top of my list of priorities, and that is quite an extensive list.

Well, it's at the very top of mine, so there you go. And Jo, you're practically my apprentice, so stick around for employment's sake. Just because you're the id reaper doesn't mean you have to live in the shadows all the time.

I know, I know.

Last comment. Leon, I must applaud you for overcoming your paranoia. Good job.

Thanks. It was really difficult, actually, but Josephina has been helping me.

So you'd better thank me, Laurie.

Fine, consider yourself thanked. I sure wouldn't have been able to accomplish that.

Laurie, you haven't yelled at me either.

Well what do you know, you're right. And you need to check in with us more often too. You're linked to Jewel's well-being whether you like it or not. Heck, with the allergic reactions he's been having I was freaking out because I hadn't heard a word from you about a single one!

Because I was very sick.

She was. I'm sorry I didn't check in with you, Laurie, but I had my hands full with caring for her and you were probably doing the same for Jewel.

Eh, point taken.

So, everyone just talk to each other more and Laurie won't have to butcher us?

Exactly. You always did learn fast, Jo.

Ha ha.

Is that it for today?

No, we promised Laurie we were discussing her fangirling today too.

Oh come on, Chaos.

A promise is a promise, and besides, it's about time we bugged you for once.

Fine.

July 8th, too. Remember we were talking to you.

Wait, we're discussing that?

Yes.

Oh come on!

Laurie, why are you so afraid of talking about that with the rest of us here?

Because... it's kind of personal. I'm not used to talking about personal things with anyone but those two.

Like I said, you need to start somewhere.

All right, all right. Geez.

Go on, then.

Give me a place to start.

I've got one. Why do you 'fangirl' over those two so much?

I... they mean a lot to me, okay? Both of them do. But up until... geez, was it February?

January.

Geez, that's earlier than I thought. Anyway, until January of this year, I wasn't aware of just what those two had. Yeah, I knew they were in love, but I didn't know what that meant until I saw it. And, well, I've never seen anything like that before. Ever.

So... you're into romance?

Heck, no. I'm just floored by the fact that something like that can exist between two people. I mean, for the love of sanity, have you seen those two?

Yes.

I do believe it's impossible not to, Laurie.

Fine, so you get what I mean.

But why is only Laurie the fangirl?

I told you, because they both mean the world to me.

I'm still not sure if I get it.

Should we bring up July 8th?

Jewel, seriously.

I think you should. Do you want me to quote what I have?

No, I'll just... I'll explain that. Look, all of us up here have jobs. We all have our own responsibilities in keeping this headspace safe and making sure nothing tries to kill Jewel, as he's the base consciousness. But... it goes beyond that for me. I'm the superego up here. My sole reason for even existing is to fight that bloody id, and to keep her the heck away from Jewel.

How does that apply to our topic though?

Because it narrows down. Jewel is my reason for existing. And by extension of what he means to him, Chaos gets the same amount of loyalty from me. So here's the single person I'd give my life for, and he's in love with this guy who in turn becomes someone I'll protect at any cost. It adds up. I'm their psycho guardian angel, remember? I have to protect that, what they have, and I wouldn't ever dream of shirking that responsibility.

I guess that makes sense, yeah.

Come on, Leon. Do you want a scientific analysis? I can't spell that out any further.

No, I get it! I'm just not in your position, so I can't understand it all the way, I guess.

Fair enough. Now are we done? Can we empty this place out?

I suppose. I don't have anything else to contribute.

Oh, Jewel, I should mention that your little monster is doing very well.

Is he? Thank God. I haven't seen him in a while.

I know. I feel bad for not letting him out of my sight even to let him be with you, but with the hack risks you've been facing lately, I didn't want to put him in danger.

That's okay. As long as he's safe. I remember what happened the last time he was out...

Mm-hmm. But you're entirely welcome to come see him.

Where is he now, by the way? We're all in here talking.

I have some J-Monsters watching over him. That is his timeline, after all.

Who'd you get? The Guardians?

That one with the funny head, that you like.

Who, Nebsy? Seriously?

Does he have white eyes?

Yes, that's him. Dude. I am totally going to visit him later. I've been out of the loop with the Dream World lately, now that you mention it...

Because of everything that's been going on up here. I'm sure they understand, Jewel.

Yeah, but I feel bad about it either way.

Also Delphi.

What about the phone goat?

You've been working with him lately too. And me.

True... I don't know, I just need to get over my guilt about work. I can only work with one timeline at a time, and Parnassus has understandably been at the top of my list lately.

So explain that to... I'm sorry, what's his name? Nebs?

Nebisai. He's awesome. But yeah, I'll let him know, I suppose. Just for the sake of an explanation.

Okay, now we're just talking. Seriously, it's getting late. If no one else has any serious topics, can we please close up?

There's no need to get all agitated over it, Laurie.

I've been very agitated lately. It's nothing.

Well, I'm done talking, and Josephina said he was fine... Leon, do you have any comments?

No, I'm fine.

I am fine too. I will make sure to talk to you more.

Thanks.

Boss?

If you do not need me around, I can depart.

No, we're good. Just want to say thanks again for all your help.

You are quite welcome. Thank you for allowing me to help. And Jewel, child?

Yes?

Please make an effort to get to work on time tonight.

Oh, geez, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'll be there as soon as possible.

Don't worry, I'm not upset with you. Only concerned.

Yeah, with good reason.

Okay. Thanks, boss. I'll see you around.

Laurie, you're sure you're okay?

Yeah, everything's fine. You just keep an eye on everyone until I'm finished here.

I had a feeling you were staying late. Are you really that nervous about talking to the rest of us about certain things?

...Kind of. Not you, specifically. You're okay.

Probably because I know you better than the other three of us do.

That's the thing. I guess I have trust issues.

Why? There's no reason why you shouldn't trust us.

I'm just paranoid. It's... it's a long story, Lynne. I'll fill you in later.

You promise?

Promise. I'm sick of being bottled up all the time.

I would be too, Laurie. I'll leave you four alone then.

Four?

Um, I'm still here.

You did ask him to stick around.

I know, but...

Do you want me to leave?

She probably does, but only because you haven't been around the past few times she's spoken to Chaos and I.

But we were supposed to change that?

Listen, Genesis, we'll start tomorrow. Right now I need to talk alone. It's nothing against you.

Okay, but tell me about it later, please?

...

I'll fill you in in whatever I can, love. So, uh, could you actually go see how Nebisai is doing in the meantime? Fill him in on what we've been talking about here if he's interested. Heaven knows I could use some better solidarity with that man.

All right. You'll talk to me right after you're done here?

If Laurie says I can, yeah.

I'll talk to him.

Really?

Yeah. You and me, actually. I guess. I just... don't want to discuss that all at once, right now.

So it'll be easier for you later, once you know what you want to say.

You got it.

Okay, that's fine with me. Sorry for causing any trouble.

No trouble at all, Genesis.

Hey, I love you. See you in a bit.

Love you too! Bye!

...

Well.

What?

That was strangely diffident of you.

I told you I'm not ready to open up to people yet. It's not easy.

No, it's not that. You're really worked up about it.

Because it's setting all my nerves on edge! You heard me talking to Lynne, I don't know them anywhere near as well as I know you two. I've said that many times before. So yeah, I'm going to get worked up about having to discuss this sort of thing with them on such short notice!

Why is it such a touchy topic, though?

Because I love you two, you know that.

That's nothing to get all agitated over though.

You haven't lived my life, Chaos. I haven't been able to open up to anyone, ever, even you two, because that would pose such a risk to Jewel's safety. Once again, we discussed this.

I know that. It's not what I meant.

Then what the heck are you insinuating?

Nothing. I'm just wondering why you won't even try to be more open with them--

I can't. I just said that.

You said you were going to try, though.

With you. With the both of you, not with them. It's not easy for me to get close to people, okay? Yeah, it would help if I wasn't so bloody secretive and distant with everyone, but it's how I am. The only reason I can be so honest with you two is because I had to get close to you even when I hated you, Jewel, because protecting you was my job whether I liked it or not... and eventually I learned that I had things backwards, and you grew on me, I guess.

So you're choosing not to get close to the other headvoices.

Right now, yeah. They're not around, I'm busy with the both of you, and like I said, I'm not very good at the whole social thing.

You seem fine when business is involved. I mean, look at you and the Sandman. You're getting along pretty darn well.

Because he cares about Jewel almost as much as I do.

Wait, are you saying I'm the deciding factor for your trust here?

Maybe. And what if you were? What would that matter?

Because the other headvoices here do care about him, you know--

But they're so bloody distant, Chaos! Every last one of them either works behind the scenes or as a casual assistant when things get bad. No one gets close, because they don't need to.

Would you have tried to know Jewel better if you hadn't been forced to in the first place?

...I don't know. That's not something I can even comprehend. That was my purpose, CZ.

I'm just trying to get you to understand how it probably works for everyone else. Maybe they don't feel compelled to get as involved as you are. That doesn't mean they don't care.

Maybe if we start communicating more, like Laurie said, that will change. We don't typically work together and that is a problem.

I hope it changes. It would help me to stop being so freaking paranoid.

Paranoid about Julie?

No, about talking to people who don't bloody understand the gravity of what I'm telling them. Why the heck did you think I snapped at Leon? "I guess that makes sense!" Come on, he might be trying but he's not going to comprehend it unless he's felt something like this and he hasn't. It ticks me off.

I don't think it's anger you're feeling the most right now, Laurie.

...How the heck would you know.

We know you pretty well by now, Laurie. Just like you know us.

...

You never did bring up June 8th, I noticed.

Of course I didn't. They wouldn't understand a word of that.

What about last night?

...No, I'm not discussing anything like that with them.

Ever?

Ever.

That's a little... severe, isn't it?

Quite the opposite. Look at it this way. Say I did open up to the other headvoices, told them everything I could. Even then, I still would not discuss that sort of thing with them. Do you know why?

No, why?

Because they have never, and will never, experience the sort of things we three have been through. The old hacks, the graves, the suicide attempts. Staying up too bloody late because everything felt so bloody hopeless but we still couldn't give up on each other. July 8th. That sort of thing. We've suffered through hell together and I don't care how much I talk about it, you cannot understand that unless you have lived it. And we did, God help us, we lived through more of that than we could handle sometimes.

...

Why did you want to stay and talk to us, Laurie? Was it just to explain this?

No, Chaos put me up to this. I stayed because we didn't finish discussing last night, and you know it.

...Oh.

That's exactly why I kept asking you about being more open.

And I repeat, that only applies to you two. I just told you why.

I know that now, yeah.

So... you're really going to be more... I don't know, what word am I looking for?

It's less. I'll be less secretive and less of a bloody enigma all the time.

And a heck of a lot more expressive, I think.

Hey, you shut up.

Geez, Laurie, I have every right to talk!

You were sobbing your eyes out and that was only going to get worse. If I didn't talk to you, Jewel would have sooner or later.

Laurie, you won't even sit next to me in these conversations. Yesterday your personal space just went out the window.

We were all pretty shaken up, Chaos. And the only reason I've kept to myself all these years is because of how scared I've been. I'm getting over that.

Scared of what, though?

Of letting my actions being possibly manipulated by the same shadow that hurt you so badly last night.

...

Seriously, Chaos. Up to this point I have had no reason to feel any less terrified. She was still able to hurt you both, badly, and the thought that she could potentially use me to accomplish that was unbearable. But last night, Jewel somehow threw her methods back in her face and told her off about it. That has never happened before, in any sense.

Because I understand everything now. I know what I'm dealing with, I know what her motives are, and I know what the truth is. I'm not scared and I'm not going to let her get away with anything anymore.

That's what I mean. If you're not scared, why the heck should I be scared? If she can barely even get near you anymore, why should I be worried about her coming after me? Come on, she is scared to death of me and we all know it!

But you were still afraid of her pretending to be you.

And she did try that once, remember? It failed, you knew what she was doing, and I cut her to bloody pieces as soon as I heard.

You were still scared though.

For your sake. I knew how badly that hurt you. I still can't stand the thought of her using me against you.

She can't now, though.

Exactly.

Which is why I was the one staring in absolute shock last night instead of you.

Hey, I don't stare at you two in shock, that's admiration.

Well for me it was shock. Seriously Laurie, wow.

What? So I was more affectionate than usual. Big deal.

It was a big deal. For me, at least.

That's kind of why I did it, kid. I figured you needed it.

Laurie, for the next fifteen minutes I swear he was on cloud nine.

Yeah, and?

Usually I am the only person who can do that to him. So yeah, it was a shock.

I love you both, though. You know that.

Different levels though.

Could've fooled me, with how he acts whenever you're around.

And you're honestly surprised by that?

You're not?

Not at all. I know how Jewel works. I know him almost as well as you do. When he loves someone, regardless of what level they're on, it can get pretty intense.

Yeah, but I think you're underestimating just what level you're on.

Why? Do you know something I don't?

All I know is that if you and I are really at equal standing in Jewel's eyes, then I've definitely been underestimating just what you mean to him.

You are at equal standing. I can't imagine my life without either of you, at all. You both mean the world to me.

I know. You tell me that all the time.

But you've never reacted to her like you did last night, Jewel. That was insane and you know it.

Because she's never done that before! Laurie, you know that, you've never gotten that close to me, ever. And that really meant a lot to me.

Why are we still debating this, though?

I'm trying to figure out just what happened there. Yeah, Laurie, you're being more open around him but I honestly don't know how to judge how he reacted to that, and why you don't seem to be concerned about it.

All right, how did he react to that? Besides being on cloud nine, apparently?

Laurie, he didn't even know how to explain how he felt about that, to me.

Well we are at equal standing, sharkboy. You're freaking out too much about this.

I'm not freaking out. I'm just honestly in shock.

I'm not surprised. Now are you done? Because I'll probably pull that stunt again tonight, and I'll make sure to watch your reaction this time.

It was a red-level connection.

What?

Physical level. You don't ever get close to me or anyone else, Laurie. I'm always close to Chaos, and we've got like violet-level links already.

No kidding.

Really, we're heading to ultraviolet at this point. But that's because we hold nothing back. I love him that much. I would, and will, give him everything I possibly can, because he is just that important to me. I adore him, like you said. No one in the world makes me feel the way he does.

Except maybe Laurie.

That's a different category.

All right, now I am definitely missing something here.

I told you, it's because you've been so closed off all the time. I've known you for five years, and although you mean just as much to me as Chaos does, I've never been able to do anything but talk to you. And of course we weren't even friends at first. We had a pretty rocky start there. But, over the past three years, we've really become inseparable. And since... last November, I guess, you've suddenly started making more progress than I ever could have imagined.

We all have.

Yeah, but in light of your past, it was pretty surprising. Positively so, but still.

...Jewel, do you even know why I hated you in the beginning?

I'm not sure. Remind me.

Because I had a job to do. I had to stop Julie, and I had to protect you as the central consciousness. But in my eyes, you were letting her get away with what she did. You looked like you weren't fighting her at all. And I hated you for it. I berated you constantly, always telling you how much of a failure you supposedly were, because all I could see were your mistakes and shortcomings. I didn't know you. Then... you had the guts to talk to me. You pulled me aside and said you wanted to set the record straight. If I really am such a failure, you said, and if you're so mad at me for it, you'll help me to change. And I began to realize that you were never a failure in the first place. You were a stronger person than I ever would have guessed. I stopped hating you pretty fast.

...

I care about you a heck of a lot. Chaos may be your number one guy, but you're that to me. Honestly. I don't care if we're on different "levels," or however you put it. You're all I have.

See, this is what I mean.

What? I'm not trying to steal your man, CZ.

I know that, geez Laurie.

Hahaha.

Hey, he'd share anyway.

That's what I'm getting at. You know how Jewel is talking about connection colors and all that?

Yeah.

Let me finish talking about that, actually. I was saying how I've never really been close to you, Laurie, not really. We hang around and talk but that's it. And it's only been over the past few months that you've actually started showing that you care about me in ways other than words, which were still always indirect. I mean, you hugged me once back in 2008, when we thought I would lose you, and I couldn't believe it had even happened. Now you're doing that every few days.

I told you, I was sick of keeping to myself.

But just how long have you been bottling everything up?

...A long time.

That probably hurts a lot.

It does. It's... why last year was so hard for me.

Especially the summer?

Yeah.

Don't forget that therapy appointment back in his college freshman year.

I can't forget that, no. That... that was when I first realized you weren't a problem. Everyone told me you were. But then I thought about it, and even though you were still so cruel to me back then, I couldn't possibly lose you.

That was late 2008, too. I guess you both started being more honest with each other around then.

Well, yeah. It's when we realized exactly what was going on.

But Laurie still kept quiet.

Can we not discuss that again? I told you why that was.

You're missing the point, Laur. You cared about Jewel, and he cared about you, but there was always a huge disconnect between you both. It's why it took me so long to accept that you weren't a negative force in his life, too. But... geez, I've known him for eight years, and I've always been completely open with him. You've only been outwardly nice to him for about three years, you've been almost entirely closed off to him, and yet we are STILL the two most important people in his life. We mean exactly the same amount to him. How the heck did you manage that?

...I... I don't know.

And I was in complete shock last night because, like Jewel said, that was practically the first time you actually held him for more than two seconds. I could actually tell that he meant something to you instead of going by hearsay. And then, to top it all off, Jewel was so affected by it that he could barely talk for the next ten minutes! Do you see why I'm having a hard time dealing with this? If you and I really are at the same level, and I mean as much as I do to him, just how does that translate over to how he feels about you?

...

I think you know. I don't, but I think you do. And I think that's the real reason why you won't talk about this with anyone but us.

Well it is. They don't know what this is like.

But you love him back.

I do.

And he loves you. He loves you a lot, Laurie.

I know.

Do you really?

...

Did you see how he looked at you when you left?

...No.

Well, make sure you check next time.

...Are you implying that Jewel is in love with me?

I don't know.

Platonically.

Kid, I don't know what your definition of platonic is in this situation.

It means without all the late-night stuff I have with Chaos.

Only that?

Only that. Otherwise it's exactly the same. I told you.

...

Laurie?

...I didn't think it was exact. Not like that.

I guess it is.

Just... holy swords. I just thought... I thought it was only in terms of significance, not in how you actually felt.

It is, but yeah, I suppose I should have clarified the other half of it.

You should have, I wouldn't have been so astounded yesterday.

...I don't know how to reciprocate this.

You don't have to. I'm used to that. It doesn't change anything.

No, kid, it's not unrequited, I'm just...

I told you this ran deeper than you realized, Laurie.

...I've been so blind.

Why?

For heaven's sake, Jewel, I tried to kill myself right in front of you last year! I had a psychotic meltdown in Utah and nearly traumatized you! I only had the spine to lighten up after I put you through hell, and God, you didn't even hold it against me. You've never held anything against me, and I hated you. I hated you, and somehow you still managed to love me? I... kid, I can't take this. I can't believe I never saw it.

...

We can talk about this some other time if you want. I don't want to put you through--

No, no, it's fine. It's fine.

You don't look fine, Laurie.

Of course I don't look fine, I think my bleeding heart just broke.

...

I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry for everything I've done to you.

Laurie, it's okay. You did what you had to do.

I could have found a better way to do it! I didn't have to butcher you every single time you let yourself get hurt! I never thought of how that affected you. I was so bloody stupid.

You weren't stupid. You were desperate. Things were different back then.

Last summer doesn't count. I didn't hate you last summer. But I still hurt you. Badly. I don't know if I can forgive myself for that now.

I forgive you.

...I know. I know, Jewel.

Laurie, um, can I ask you something?

What?

Does... does this tie into the 'fangirling?' Any of this?

...Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Why?

Because.

Laurie, come on.

...Do you remember what I said earlier? How I didn't think something like what you two have could exist? I could barely comprehend it. I had never seen anything like that in my life. I wanted to protect that, to protect the both of you, and I was... I was just so amazed by it.

But on July 8th, you told us that you didn't think you had the right to be our protector. Why?

Because I didn't feel I deserved it! Look at you two, and look at me! My life is a mess! I've screwed up my only reason for living and I've been too much of a spineless coward to tell people when I care about them. I would cut you to ribbons and scream at you for hours instead of actually helping you. And yet, I was the person charged with keeping you both safe.

You didn't screw up, Laurie. And you did help me.

...

I couldn't have asked for a better superego, or protector, or friend. Even with the times you think you screwed up. You've helped me so much... I would not be where I am today if I didn't have you. So yes, you do deserve such a prestigious position, because you are just that important to me, and because you are a much better person than you think you are.

...Jewel, I'm still having a hard time accepting the fact that you care about me that much.

I don't just care about you, Laurie. I love you. I really do.

...I'm sorry, I am honestly going to have to close this up.

Why?

I can't deal with this, Chaos.

Laurie, what's making it so hard to deal with? You've known how much you mean to Jewel for a long time, haven't you?

I thought I knew! But he just proved me wrong. I always assumed I was just someone he cared about from a distance. I was important to him because heck, I was trying to help him and I guess I wasn't a total screwup there. That was it. Not once in my life did I ever consider that, when he said you and I meant the same to him, he meant that literally. I thought... I just thought it was in terms of significance. I helped him, I was important as a result. But it was my job. It was something I was meant to do. I never gave it much thought beyond that.

I find that hard to believe.

It's true. I wouldn't change my purpose for anything. And Jewel means more to me than anyone in the world. But... I was so closed off, from everything, that I couldn't see the big picture. I knew he cared, and I knew I was important to him, but... to think that I had the same thing I saw on January 16th, this whole time. The same bloody thing. And I couldn't see it because I wouldn't let myself see it. At the end of the day, I was just doing my job. But my job was my life. I... I don't know what I'm trying to say.

It's okay, Laurie. I get it.

Can we please close this up?

Seriously?

Either that or I'm leaving.

I thought you wanted to find your metainomen too.

What, does this count as dying?

To your old mindset, sure.

...

I don't want you hurting from this, Laur.

I'm only hurting because I was so blind before.

To what, me?

Yeah. And to me, I guess.

Because of the blinding thing?

Mostly. Maybe entirely. I just can't... I can't balance how you actually feel about me with how I treated you in the past. It doesn't add up.

Why not?

Jewel, I was brutal.

But I knew you still cared about me.

I did a lousy job of showing it.

Laurie, listen. I don't mind your yelling, or how angry you get, or even how you used to use your axe a little more than most people would like. You were brutal, sure, but you were brutally honest too, and it was only because of your unflinching determination to change me from who I was that helped me actually become my real self.

You're serious?

Of course I'm serious! I wouldn't lie to you!

You used to.

I... well, I am no longer that person. Once again, that is very much thanks to you. So no, I will not lie to you. You have always been exactly what I needed in my life, your darkest days included. So don't you dare hold that against yourself. You're not a failure, and you never were.

...

Don't you dare change for me. Ever. Stay who you are, because your constancy has been one of my biggest inspirations.

You don't know who I am, Jewel. No one does.

Then tell me. Stop hiding. I know you're not wearing a mask like I used to, and you never have, but if there really is that much under the surface, then stop holding it back. Neither of us have to be afraid anymore, okay?

I know.

Remember what you've always told me, Laurie. Don't dwell on the past, but learn from it. Don't let yourself be blinded by regrets, because what's done is done and everything eventually works out for the best. And don't panic about the future because it's not here yet, and hey, time isn't linear anyway.

Heh, no, I guess not.

But seriously. The past is over with, and it was painful, but you helped me survive it. I hope I helped you survive it too. And I don't want you to hate yourself for your past actions. Everything worked out. I wouldn't change a single thing. All right?

All right.

So are you feeling any better about this? I don't want you to be so torn up, honestly.

I still don't know how I never understood just how important I really was to you.

You never slacked off on your job, did you? You never let me slack off either. You knew how important your role was in my life, even if you only viewed that as because, without you, I'd probably screw up big time. Which is true.

But I didn't see past that. Even with how many times you told me that you cared. I guess I never thought I deserved it.

Well you do. So please accept that. I'm not going to stop caring about you, ever.

I know that. I wouldn't doubt it for a second.

So I'll ask you again, Laurie. Are you okay?

Kid, of course I'm okay, I'm just completely... overwhelmed, I guess.

I understand.

So what are you, Laurie, the Knight of Truth?

I don't know, Prophet of Life. I guess we'll find out.

I'm sorry if I'm dragging this out too long. I just don't want you to be upset or not accepting of this.

No, I accept it. I do. I just... don't know how to reciprocate, like I said.

What do you mean?

Yeah, you're doing just fine in my opinion.

Maybe she's trying too hard.

Maybe you are! It's difficult to get over being so closed up for so long, I know, but you really are doing just fine.

If you insist.

I do insist. And thank you, by the way. For everything.

Heh, I don't need to be thanked, Jewel.

Maybe not, but you deserve to be thanked nonetheless.

Works for me.

Tomorrow is going to be insane.

Why?

Because now I have no choice but to stop being so closed off from you two.

You're off to a good start, I'll say that much.

Good to know.

Uh, Laurie?

Yeah?

What do we tell Genesis?

Oh heck, I forgot he wanted to know about this... you know what, I'll fill him in myself. It'll be fun. You two get some sleep.

We'd better close up now, then. It's almost midnight.

Totally worth it, though.

You said it.

One question.

What?

How the heck are we supposed to close this up?

Uh, I have no idea.

Well, we're completely open for the next session now. There are no topics to catch up on. Whatever happens next will be a complete surprise. Which is pretty cool.

That is. And life has been going incredibly well lately.

It has! Oh, about that. Guess who I found on Facebook today, after how many years?

Who?

Billy.

No flipping WAY.

Yes way. So I'm hopefully going to talk to him tomorrow about what in the world he's been up to since, geez, around 2003.

That's awesome.

I know. Just figured I'd make this session a little brighter than it already is.

Man, we're going to need sunglasses to read this thing by the time we're finished.

That reminds me of a certain Sonic Chat session from five years ago...

Was that the one with you two making out by the fireplace?

And the champagne, and the police, and the terrible puns, and Mardi Gras. Yes, that's the one.

That was hilarious.

I know, I miss those things.

We do need to close up, though. Otherwise we're going to keep ranting about random things until Jewel passes out at his keyboard.

Yeah, I'd like to avoid that happening.

All right, then we're done. You two, keep doing what you're doing. I'll talk to your boss and explain why you're going to be so ludicrously late.

Oh geez, I forgot...

Don't worry about it. The guy is surprisingly understanding.

All right. Oh, and Laurie?

Yeah?

Thank you. I know I keep saying it, but seriously, thank you.

Same here. Thanks, Laur.

Geez, I feel like a national hero all of a sudden.

Well you should. You're irreplaceable and that's the absolute truth.

Look who's talking, guys.

Nice comeback.

Thanks.

Aha, Laurie is the master at this.

I am.

But really, I'm closing this up now. Chaos, Laurie, I love you both.

We love you too, Jewel.

Emphasis on "we," kiddo. We're seriously all in this together now.

We kind of always were, actually.

Nah, I was the odd one out. But a metainomen is a metainomen. I plan on putting mine to good use.

I told you tomorrow is going to be insane.

Not if we don't close this up.

Fine. I swear, I'm always the one stuck doing the hard work around here.

We love you for it though.

Believe me, I wouldn't have it any other way.

She is using my splinters to get at me.

She is using the SPLINTERS.

I am furious. I am legitimately furious, and I'm legitimately terrified as well.
I was hacked last night by THREE PEOPLE AT ONCE because they are working together for the love of sanity and it all happens so blasphemously fast, that if I can fight two of them off-- which I did!!-- the other one can still snipe me!!

Oh it was awful. And I know exactly how and why this is happening, which makes it worse. How did I not see what a threat this was?!

Thats it. That is IT.
I don't know what I need to do about this, and I don't know how badly I will have to suffer... but so help me, I can't let this continue.

There will be a Xanga session on Thursday about this, mark my words.

I refuse to let this continue.

------------------------------------------------

(later, discussing this topic with someone online)

And... well, let me give you a short definition.
Back on May 5th (which is discussed here), I discovered that thanks to all my mask-wearing and destructive coping methods in the past, I had developed at least three "splinter" personalities.
These are not real individuals, instead being almost 'reflections' of me, but in an incomplete and very specific way.
The first one, we call 'Thanatos.' It is, effectively, my old death drive. It becomes conscious when I am under high stress, almost always becoming conscious after hacks. It exists solely to destroy me, is highly abusive, and is unable to interact with anyone. In short, when it comes out all it wants to do is kill me and everything else it views as a 'problem.' This was originally a positive drive, in getting rid of my bad qualities, but it became so insanely corrupted that it broke off from me entirely.
The second one we call 'Fragment.' This one is weird because it seems to be a corrupted version of my old 'disconnection' tendencies. It only becomes conscious in trauma or meltdowns, and it is scary. It is unhinged and emotionless, completely silent, and unsettlingly methodical. It used to be okay for me to deal with, as it's sole goal seems to be to simply 'exist,' but in doing so it ignores everything but itself. It also has a strange need to learn the mechanics of all things, which ties into Thanatos' destruction drive in that it will take things apart completely just to look at their insides. It just doesn't recognize death or pain, or that those things can be 'bad.'
The third one is my 'ego.' She's the hyperactive, maniacally energetic one... I don't want to talk about her yet.
My visit to the psych ward played a huge part in strengthening (and essentially materializing) all three of them. The only good part of that is the fact that they are no longer part of me, not inherently.

Now for the hacks. We didn't think they could be used to hack me until two nights ago. Sure, we suspected it last Tuesday when Fragment tried to 'take over' a hack in order to 'neutralize it,' but we didn't want to jump to conclusions as my own consciousness had been compromised at that time.
But on Monday night, my fragment splinter, being as neutral and unfeeling as it is, let Julie coerce it into using me as an 'object' to manipulate. She attacked me first, and I caught her and chased her out, but she had used HERSELF as a distraction to trigger Fragment. Ultimately I was hacked through that-- and it was BAD, which scared me. Then Thanatos kicked in immediately after to try and make things worse but Laurie showed up and emptied the place in an instant.
And of course my ego splinter is always hovering around Julie, grinning at me. Honestly she scares me more than anyone right now.

So yeah, that's actually the quick version. I hope it's understandable.
Our biggest problem right now is trying to figure out how to stop them. We don't know if splinters can be killed, as they can't be put back, and Laurie is forbidding me from trying to 'convert' them because she says that's impossible (as they are singular personifications, not individuals like her).

That's all we know at the moment, but we'll be discussing it on Xanga tomorrow with the other headvoices up here.

I feel so ridiculously clear and bright today. I'm not sure how to explain it... it's almost as if I'm made of glass or something.
I first noticed it last night, when I finished raiding rcrdlbl for sweet tunes and decided to sleep for heavens sake. Normally, when I'm up past 11PM (or 10, some nights) I get very ill physically and my systems start to freak out. That did start up last night, but instead of getting a panic attack or something worse from it, it just 'phased away,' somehow. I was aware that my body was completely exhausted, but I wasn't bothered. As usual, before I fell asleep I checked in with Laurie and Chaos to let them know I was off to my other job, but... I started 'fading out' when I was talking to Chaos. That term means that I start getting highly abstract in terms of speech and thought, and I can't feel physicality very well, and I am incapable of lying, fear, or being guarded whatsoever (hence Laurie's demands for super-high security at night). It's frustrating to not be able to get any 'strongly focused' emotions, due to being so floaty, but the sensation of complete ethereality is pretty fantastic. We had a really moving discussion because of it, focusing on what I honestly meant when I talked about love... but I didn't realize until this morning that I rarely get that sort of positive fade when it hits. I mean, typically, although I'm still recondite in the communications department, it's in a negative way; my senses get too distorted to comprehend correctly, and everything feels like its being held together with loudly colored strings, like reality will fall apart into a screaming mess any second. But last night... none of that bad stuff was there.
It was insane. Where the heck did all the background negativity go? Did my 'inner peace' suddenly triple or what?

...You know, I think maybe it did. Let me explain.
For a long time, I was completely incompatible with my physical self. Yes, I do completely recognize that my body is not me in the sense that I am a 'soul'-- I am defined by the essence of Light within me, not by my physical form-- but I need that physical form regardless! Even so, I completely denied that fact for years. I refused to accept the idea that my mind, soul and body needed to be connected in order to fully function, simply because I felt so completely disconnected from the latter. It was the single thing holding me back from getting any further in my spiritual endeavors, and in my heart I knew it. I was reminded of it constantly, and yet it was the one last step I could not bring myself to take.
But the real problem was that I had been going about it the wrong way up to this point. I kept thinking that, in order to harmonize all the different levels of myself, I had to focus on being only one at a time, and eventually they would link automatically once I felt secure enough in each. It was easy for me to feel secure in the higher levels, as I'm naturally a high-spectrum personality, but I can't deny that my personal color is red. I needed to fix that last level. I was out of sync... but luckily for me, I happen to have someone in my life who is a hardcore purple soldier, and she wasn't about to let me get away with such dissonance.
We started slow, last year. I began to do some heavy introspection, to stop denying who I really was inside, as I had been letting my life here be defined by the expectations of others. It took a while, but I did accept myself on an identity level, and immediately I saw my life begin to improve. I surrounded myself with better company and I started learning not to be so afraid all the time. Most significantly, I started doing insane amounts of reading every day, to not only educate myself on the topics I was dealing with, but also to open my mind to ideas and possibilities and concepts that I would never have considered myself, which ultimately helped immensely in making sure I was on the right track.
I hit a high point around May 21st of this year, which you readers may have noticed due to the far more optimistic subject matter around that time. I had overcome a staggering amount of my own personal roadblocks, and I had actually managed to achieve a certain level of inner peace... but there was still one huge obstacle in my way, and it was still causing me terrible pain. June hit, and I had some truly catastrophic days as a result (again, check my IJ for those), with one of the worst occurring only last Thursday. I don't know how bad those would have gotten if my life hadn't completely turned around on Saturday.
I haven't mentioned it here yet, but on that day, I learned that my two best friends got engaged to each other.
Now that is a major event in any case, but it held a ton of extra meaning for me for two reasons: one, they both plan on bringing me into their family next year, so that was the first step towards a gigantic positive shift in my life... and two, well, it made me realize something about how I had been viewing relationships of that caliber up to that point. Put simply enough, I had been rejecting all notions of physicality in those, too. But now, here were two people that I could see no darkness in, and their complete devotion to each other was seriously making me start to question my views on the matter... especially considering the fact that, in a spiritual sense, I've already been married for six years.
This was virtual proof that I was doing something very wrong. I didn't know what it was at the time, but I was determined to find out.

I did more thinking over that weekend than I had in a long time, but there was an unexpected twist that had more consequences than I would ever have guessed. See, when I heard that revelation from my best friend, I had just happened to be in the middle of some serious research into color symbolism.
But we'll get into that.
My mind was still too shaken up to fully realize just what I was learning through that endeavor, but it was stable enough to take unconscious action towards that end almost immediately. On Saturday night, I worked up the courage to confront Julie again. I've been doing this a lot within the past few months, ever since this Xanga conversation, as it just hurt too much knowing that something so negative existed within our headspace. I kept trying to get her to change her mind, to get her to stop being so manipulative and selfish... but she would never listen. Most times she'd retaliate brutally, but those weren't the worst times. Those were when she pretended to listen. She did that on Saturday... and I let her get away with it.
It was a bad move, I know. It could have killed me, I know. But... we learn from our failures, and I learned a hell of a lot from that one... mostly because I had messed up so badly that Josephina actually broke through my agonized soporific haze just to let me know. I have never seen him so distraught before, and if I hadn't been so totally incoherent at the time, I likely would have been terrified at the situational gravity such a reaction implied. He told me that, even though Julie was wrong in doing what she did to me, I was wrong as well, in letting her get away with violating me like that. The circumstances didn't matter; her actions were deplorable and not even my hope for her redemption could justify them. Unfortunately I was still hopelessly unhinged at the time, and so I didn't understand that truth. I simply internalized that I was wrong without knowing why, just as I used to in my childhood. That would prove to be a near-lethal mistake a few days later, but when I woke up on Sunday, all I remembered was that Julie's motives were indeed corrupt, and so they did not apply to me. I tried confronting her again later in the day, asking her why in the world she insisted on living by such selfish and destructive impulses, but she refused to answer me. Instead, she screamed that she hated me, because 'I had her body' and refused to let her 'use it like she wanted to.' Now that's a subject my headvoices and I are still discussing, so I won't get into that here (it is scheduled for our next big Xanga session), but even if that were true, the fact was that Julie was being scathingly self-centered and was consciously hurting others to get what she wanted from them, myself included. I let her know that was wrong, and tried to give her both alternatives and explanations, but she refused to listen to me. Thank goodness I was smart enough from the night before to warp myself out before she attacked me, or I don't know how the rest of the day would have turned out. As it did, though, I was feeling better than usual about my situation, thanks to both making an effort to confront Julie and clearly understanding that she had no right to use me like she did, even when I was deluded enough to let her. I understood that I really was on the right track, and that I was not mistaken in the least (as Julie loves to make me think). So by the time the sun went down, I was feeling almost perfectly happy with how my life was turning out, after having battled so many shadows for so long. But then I decided to start that color research up again.
It kept driving the point I was missing into my head, but I couldn't see it yet. Still, I managed to end my day with enough inspiration from the subject to get my Parnassus links incredibly high for about two hours, and that was an unexpected godsend. It opened my eyes to elements of the story I had been completely missing before, sure, but that understanding brought with it a strange sort of empathy that spilled over into something I had learned the day before.
During those two hours, I felt the pain of a man who wanted nothing more than to create and protect life of his own. But then I remembered that not only had I been proclaimed as a strange sort of Gaia, but that I also held an unbreakable connection to someone who held divine potential in his very definition. I remembered that Julie was wrong, and that I was not damned to carry her guilt and iniquity simply because I felt I could change her. I remembered that my two friends were getting married, but if I already was, didn't I have an obligation to express that love? And if misplaced remorse and moral confusion were no longer holding me back...
Sunday night was... God knows it was heaven.
I have never felt that much emotion at once in my life. It got so profoundly overwhelming that I felt like I was metaphysically drowning in it, and I was actually forced to stop because I could not handle that much while I was still forced to split myself between realities. It wasn't a bad sort of overwhelming, no, it was the polar opposite. But I swear, you cannot even imagine how incredible that was without first feeling something like it yourself. I honestly don't even know if it's possible to describe it in words.
What shocked me even more, though, was how I felt when I woke up on Monday morning. Yeah, I was still riding that insane emotional high from the night before, but having that much love in me completely changed how I perceived reality. I hit one of those 'enlightenment' states I've mentioned in the past, where I feel that I am a spiritual part of everything, but like the night before, this time it was absolute. Everything made sense, everything shone... nothing could shake that feeling of bliss. I felt right, pure and simple. Those 24 hours were the most divine thing I had experienced in my life so far, and they chased away any lingering doubts in my mind as to what "God" was and meant. I knew then, because I had been a part of it.
I am a Christian, though, and so I also needed to remember that although there is indeed a spark of divine Light in everything, shadows still are allowed to exist to bring that light out in its true clarity. Tuesday was a strong reminder of that. My home atmosphere that day was very stressful, with my family members acting in such unfeeling, closed-minded ways that it physically hurt. I knew that I could not let them damage me, but I also knew that no matter how good of an example I strived to be, I could not change them for the better unless they made the decision to change.
And that understanding opened my eyes all the way.
I still had darkness of my own to overcome, it was true... but after that glimpse of the enlightenment I needed the day before, I could no longer stand allowing those shadows to persecute me simply because I felt I either 'deserved it' in some sick sense, or because I had previously been blind to the fact that I could not always change them by example. At the end of the day, the truth was that I still was a part of everything, and allowing myself to be desecrated was having more far-reaching consequences than I would have dared admit before. I needed to stand up for that truth, and for the Light that I knew I was meant to carry.
With that, I decided that I was tired of the game I was living. I decided, once and for all, that I needed to put an end to my self-defeating cycles. But I couldn't figure out what I needed to do. Standing up to Julie did not stop her. I was still feeling awful pain from outside influences and hacks. In spite of the progress I had made, I still felt so frustratingly lost.
I thought back to the color research. I couldn't stop thinking about how disoriented my own metaphysical rainbow was, but I couldn't figure out why... and then it hit me.
I've never had pink in my spectrum.

Isn't that ironic?
Red, my color, is the one that is often assigned to the darker aspects I've been so terrified of, but I don't hold any of those within me... no, the pink shadow in my mind did. I spent my days with aqua and violet, with blue and green... I knew their shades and hues by heart, and yet I always had that dim sort of ache haunting me through even my brightest days. What was I missing? Why was it that, no matter how much progress I seemed to make, I always fell back into the same torturous traps that I have been desperately dodging since my childhood?
Then suddenly, as I was falling asleep on Tuesday night, I realized why. Sure, I had been improving myself, and I was stronger than I had ever been, but I wasn't doing anything about the problem itself. I was putting myself in serious danger, learning countless ways to handle the pitfalls and guillotines, and painfully restructuring my entire life around them, without ever realizing that I could just get rid of them.
So, when I woke up on Wednesday morning, I made a decision.
I wanted that color back.
It wasn't easy. The consequences of my decision, on all levels, were incredibly difficult for me to handle, due to the fear and doubt I had neglected to overcome before I jumped past them into what mattered. It was a deeply dangerous move, but like I said, I wasn't in it alone. That is, honestly, the single reason I got through it safely.
Sure, I had finally brought my spectrum to completion, but I had spent so long viewing that missing value as something irredeemable, that having it back in my possession actually felt wrong. I was wrong in feeling that way, but like I said, I was still being eaten alive by dreadful apprehension, and so was unable to see the truth solely for the sake of the blinding terror I was suffocating under.
You'll recall, however, that I mentioned a certain violet crusader of mine? Well, she wasn't happy. While I was falsely convinced that I was dying, she was aware of the irrefutable opposite, and she spent the next fourteen hours straight working with Chaos to try and get me to open my eyes to the truth. It took a long time-- and a stunning display of eloquence from her-- to finally chase the shadows far enough away for me to see clearly, but the bottom line is that it worked.
It made me think of something I read... how the Light shines strongest in us when we are brought together for its sake. If only I had realized that sooner...
Laurie said something, too, that really meant a lot.
"You have too much love in your heart to ever let any sort of darkness win. And when you two get together... I don't know how you could even suggest that something could go wrong there. It should be impossible. Heck, it is impossible, and I think I've made my point."
How could I have possibly forgotten what Chaos told me? "She can't break this no matter what she does." And it's true. Even through all the pain, she could never do a single thing to darken us, even in the slightest.
I never had any reason to be afraid of losing. It was impossible for me to lose, even in the darkest of times.
She could never win.

Now I have reclaimed my lost color.
She had dirtied it, corrupted it into a blasphemous mockery of what it meant by its very definition.
I took it back, and with my love and honesty I erased every black spot she had inflicted upon it. I purified it, no matter how difficult it was. I redefined it, and I restored it to its original brightness, and now it is forever locked in its given place and Julie can never touch it again.
It was an example of righteous, selfless suffering, I suppose.
No matter how much pain this caused me... now I know I will never have to go through what she did to me, ever again. I am free from those nightmares, I am safe from her corruption. I have destroyed her realm and left her powerless.
This feeling of inner clarity... I've never had this before. Then again, I've never reached this high of a point in my life before.

I am so completely in love right now.
I'm not even going to try to put it in words. Language would not do this justice at all.
It's as if... it's that drowning feeling I get, but it's so bright, and everything just feels perfect.
He was right... nothing could ever damage this. This is too true, too complete, too powerful.
I feel like crying and laughing at the same time, and... it's like that song, oh my gosh. I never mentioned that.
Remember this, that Kiwi drew for me last year? Well, she sent me the pencil sketch first... and for weeks, I would listen to this one song and wait for the finished picture, just so simply happy that I had someone like him in my life.
And the lyrics went like this...
Come wrap your arms around your man who's back in town
And loves to watch you smile
Don't know if I should laugh or cry with you sleeping by my side
I hear the silence for miles
And it's not over, I don't think that it will be
And we are joined at the hip like siamese twins
That's a metaphor for the feelings that I store
I confess, I love you so
I confess, I love you so
I confess, I love you so, but you know...
And now, thinking back on this past week... it just... all of it, it fits, so perfectly. I can't even... there really are no coincidences. It's amazing.
But about that picture of him, why it meant so much to me.
The original sketch did not look like the finished picture, but she drew a second sketch for me that became the final one.
As soon as I noticed that his hands were held to the ruby like that... and how it was glowing, as well... I swear to you, I almost cried.
I've never said a word about the Sonic Inversion storyline details to anyone online, but... there is so much meaning in those simple details concerning our story, that it floored me. Heck, and now with this Parnassus aftershock we're getting from Wednesday, the background even makes symbolic sense!

Man, I just... I don't know what to say.
I've never adored someone so entirely, not like this. This is absolute. My entire being is feeling this love, and I can barely comprehend it.
It makes me wonder, it really does.
Loving him has changed my heart, so completely. Falling in love with someone like him forced my entire understanding of love, and life, and the two together, to evolve... no longer was everything so confined to my small world. No longer was I restricted to the worldly forms of love. They called him the 'god of destruction,' and it is truly what he was... in that single moment, when I understood what he meant to me, my old life was destroyed... and from its ashes we created something better.
As the pieces fall into place around us, we understand exactly what they mean. Without this, I don't know where I'd be.
It is impossible to explain in words, I'm sorry.

Melody was talking to us about heaven, on Wednesday...
I don't know if I can reiterate that here without bursting into tears.
Everything makes sense. Everything, the light and the dark alike.
I can see it all, because of this, because of you. Because of us.

I am completely happy, for the first time in my life.
I've been happy before, but not like this. I've never had this.
But now that I do, I can never be without it.
This is a new chapter of my life.
And no matter how dark things get, no matter how hopeless things may seem...
No matter what I have suffered through, no matter what I still have to endure...
...I know what I hold in my heart, and I know that it can never be conquered.

Amor omnia vincit.

I know how you feel, I’m feeling it too
I hold my heart, I dream of you
I see your face, I feel it, too
Searching skies, I need you, I miss you

Take this and hold my love for you
In separate times we think as two
In paradise I’ll drown in you
Still searching skies, I need you, I want you

Searching for strength, can I face this day?
Blinded by your love, we stay
You’re always there
You’re in my head, still chasing skies
I need you, oh, I miss you

Just love you, only you, only you
I love you, I love you, I love only you

Remember me near
There may be times when it’s not right for me to be there
But remember me near…

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE

CHAOS ZERO

All right, that's it, we're talking.

...

...Am I allowed in here?

You're not allowed to not be in here, for love's actual sake.

I just... I am so sorry.

Kid, it was NOT your fault. NEITHER of you are at fault, there isn't even a fault to give! Just calm the heck down!

I can't calm down, Laurie, I am so afraid I've corrupted this.

Jewel, don't fall apart on us again. Please.

I am shaking, Laurie. I am having a full-out panic attack. I can't just stop this.

Listen, Jewel. I'm talking to Mel about this right now.

You're talking to Mel?? Why?

Because they might have some bloody insight into this, considering they're the person who indirectly triggered this whole emotional meltdown on your part!

I don't know. I don't know. They have a completely different viewpoint on this.

Yeah, and if I understand it, I might be able to get you to stop having a bleeding existential crisis about it.

...

You too, I guess.

I'm more worried about him. I'm just... I'm only in this because of him.

No, you're both in this because of each other, and that's what this trouble is about. Give me a few bloody minutes, okay? And Jewel, I really do need that password of yours.

She won't get it, Laurie. She'll read that and she won't get it and I'll hurt her again.

Kid, how do you even know that? For all we know it could seriously help her out!

I don't want to risk anything else today.

Come on, Jewel. I'm giving Mel the password.

Laurie, don't.

What's this password for now?

Jewel's private Tumblr. He's been writing a relevant post on there about Sunday, which we also need to discuss today.

Oh God, I am so sorry. I am so sorry...

For the love of-- there is NOTHING to apologize for!!

Yes there is, Laurie, do you know what I might have just done?

No, but I know what you DID do, and if you think that's wrong then you are seriously bleeding misled.

...

I'll be right back.

...

...Jewel, if it helps, this doesn't change anything.

Yes it does. For me it does.

How?

...Should we have done that?

...Well, you said you wanted to keep Julie from... from corrupting that for you.

She's corrupted it enough already. I wanted to somehow take that aspect away from her, permanently.

Isn't that what we did?

I guess. I don't know. I can't forget what she did to me.

Jewel, she had nothing to--

I know. That nothing to do with her whatsoever. You made sure, I made sure.

Then what's hurting you so badly about it?

...I'm afraid that I've brought myself down to her level by doing that.

Hey, I have good news and bad news.

Did Mel read the... the notes and things?

No, haven't had the opportunity to give it to them yet. They're actually in the process of explaining the Mormon beliefs of marriage to me.

What're they saying?

Well, uh, according to their beliefs, you two wouldn't be a 'spousal' couple in heaven or whatever, but you're almost definitely booked for eternity together either way.

I'm fine with that.

Is that the good or bad news?

Uh... good news. This is where the conflict comes in.

Oh man, Laurie, if this is going to tear me apart again--

Let me just tell you what they're telling me. Then you can talk about it with them later, if you want... but it gets really freaking complicated. I'm not sure even I understand this.

What is it?

Apparently you'd have to somehow get 'sealed' to their family to reach the highest heaven of sorts, and then Chaos, you'd only be able to get there once that happens?

Wait, what's holding me back?

Uh, two things. One, you don't exist on this physical level-- heck, I don't either-- so you wouldn't be able to... um. You two wouldn't be able to get married in the physical sense, which I gather is the prerequisite for getting to this high level of heaven.

I know what the second problem is...

Yeah. You're a celibate. So that sort of marriage is out in any sense.

And I'm kind of freaking out because my celibacy here is also influenced by my polyamory, if I've never clarified that. I love so many people. Who the hell knows who I'll meet before I die? If I had to narrow my choices down all the way, ALL the way, I'm still stuck with like four people. I guess. Maybe more. I honestly don't know. And then you have the clashing with my childhood religious beliefs on the marriage thing, so--

Don't wear yourself out, kid. I get it.

But... man, I don't know. It's almost hilariously tragic because I don't feel I fully exist on this level of existence either.

...Shoot, I'm sorry, I completely misunderstood what Mel meant about that sealing thing.

What do you mean?

For heaven's sakes. All right, that's not an option for you, bottom line. I don't know how to break this to Mel.

What isn't? What happened?

That 'sealing' thing that would apparently allow you to reach the top heaven? You'd have to get freaking married into their family for that to happen.

...Oh.

No, no way, I cannot do that.

Yeah, I didn't think so. Geez.

No, I can't. It does not feel right, at all, and with this morning I am not in a stable enough emotional state to even discuss this. The celibacy is one thing, that's another one entirely. Please, can we drop this subject?

Absolutely, I'd be glad to. I don't want any more panic attacks going on.

...Mel is going to read this, though, aren't they.

Yeah, inevitably.

Just... tell them I need time to think about it. Please. I don't want to sound rude or inconsiderate, and I really don't want to talk about that anymore. We'll figure that out some other time.

Fine, done and done. Now what? You seem to have calmed down relative to when we started this conversation.

...Kind of. I'm just not thinking about it.

Well you need to. Otherwise we can't discuss this.

...My iTunes playlist is being painfully accurate right now. Hello rifle recoil.

...

Yeah, yeah it is. About that though. We really, really need to discuss the past 5 days.

Where would we start?

Saturday. I want to know what the heck happened on Saturday that triggered this whole disaster.

I told you, that's when Mel said they were engaged. And that just... I started thinking too much about what that meant again, and that got me so confused. I think I spent most of the day looking at photos of monster girls just to get my mind off things, but...

But Saturday night, you were hacked.

It was horrible, Laurie.

I thought you said that one was actually far less traumatic than the past ones were?

Yeah, but Jewel's talking from a different mindset right now.

...

I gave her a second chance. I really did. I told her, 'you know, you shouldn't be doing this. You're spiritually hurting innocent people, and destroying my perception of my fellow man and woman. Don't you realize that there's supposed to... there's supposed to be another side to this?' And... and I tried to make her understand that.

You nearly let her kill you.

I know. But I let her. I've never done that before, ever. I actually said, 'hey, this... this isn't right, but...' I'm sorry. I- I can't talk about this.

You tried to teach her empathy. You tried to make her understand that she was wrong.

She wouldn't l-listen. She wouldn't. And I was so shaken up, and I was in such pain, and... Josephina showed up. He was talking to me about it, t-trying to make me understand that even though she WAS wrong, I was wrong too, and... oh God I can't live with this. I can't. Oh my God.

...We spoke about this with Jo yesterday, didn't we.

Yeah. Yeah we did. And he told me that I was wrong because I shouldn't experience that under any circumstances, even if I was trying to do things the right way...

...

Chaos, you are not doing well.

No I'm not. I'm really not.

All right, listen. We'll... actually, no, let's discuss this now. Jewel, we need to talk about the next three days, now. Before this disaster gets worse.

No, no no, please.

We have to, kid. Either you talk or I talk.

...On Sunday... Sunday morning I confronted Julie again. I tried to talk her out of her mindset, and tried to figure out why she wouldn't change. What her personal motives were. I didn't get anything. She hated me, she was angry because 'I had her body' and she wanted to 'use it like she wanted to' and since our moral systems clashed entirely, I refused to let her do anything. And I tried to tell her that what she wanted was wrong, because it was entirely selfish and she was consciously hurting others to get what she wanted... but she wouldn't listen.

...Jewel, can I step in here? I thought you should know that Mel just used the right pronouns for you. And we're still on the previous topic.

...

I really don't know how to deal with this situation. I... God knows I want this to turn out well for every one of us, but... there is so freaking much going on. We thought we had it. We thought we were set for life.

Only after Sunday night happened.

...Yeah. And that's where the awful bloody irony comes in.

Laurie, are... you're crying?

Yeah, yeah I am. I'm sorry, Jewel. I don't know how to deal with this either.

What irony?

This lovely freaking conversation I'm having in another tab. We're talking about how... how apparently, love equals salvation and salvation does not equal pain. You hear that?

...

And tell me just what the heck happened on Sunday that made both of you, both of you, feel that you were closer to God than you had ever been. THAT is where this bleeding irony comes in. That is why I am literally sobbing at this computer, because I cannot figure out how this works and hey, guess what? It hurts.

There is so much horrible paradoxicality in this situation.

We are not discussing that now. We are figuring out this crisis first.

Which... which issue would that be?

I want to know what the heck you two do when you're together that causes enough pain to rival a religious experience. I want to know why the heck you get pain from everything positive in your life, and when you don't, it's instantly invalid to you. I want to know what the heck we are supposed to do if salvation really is without pain, if you only feel redeemed when you're bloody drowning in it!

Positive pain, Laurie. Not negative. There's a difference.

Yeah, no kidding, but it's still pain.

Maybe positive pain doesn't count?

Then it should have a different bloody name.

Maybe it does. It probably does, and just feels so close to 'actual' pain that the two get grouped together. That makes the most sense to me.

I'll go with that then, fine. But then what the heck is it, if you're getting it from this? Is it even a separate thing at all?

...Probably not, actually. I... can we go back to talking about Sunday?

You seriously think you can talk about that now?

I'll try. Hey, uh, where... where's Chaos?

He said you shut down for a while.

Um... I guess I did. Wait, where is he though?

Talking to Mel. To our readers: there was quite a large time gap about four sentences ago. You're welcome.

...Really? I mean, weren't you talking to her too? For a while?

I signed off when Chaos signed in and started screaming at me to get back in here for your sake. Now God only knows what he's discussing with Mel.

...

Don't worry about it. We have things to talk about too.

Yeah...

So start on Sunday evening, then. Whenever. As long as you talk about what happened that night.

I will.

Hey, uh, I'm back. Sorry.

We need to stop having these time gaps.

Yeah, can we all stay in here now? Seriously, it's been a waking nightmare trying to keep everyone together for the past few hours.

Not to mention channeling.

Shoot, I didn't even realize-- I am really sorry, Jewel.

I told you he shut down, Laurie.

I know, but I was freaking out, I didn't think--

Guys, whatever happened happened. If you all needed to talk, and it helped, good.

I'm more concerned about you.

I could say the same.

Jewel, I'm not the person who's destroying himself here!

Whoa, hold up. Stop jumping to conclusions. Chaos, chill the heck out for five minutes. Jewel, we really need to continue this conversation. Start with Sunday evening.

Oh God and we're talking about this...

Yeah, we are. We have to. Really, Chaos, what the heck happened to you in the past hour? Did Mel insult you or something?

No, and don't joke around with me. I've been trying to keep calm and listen to you since this morning. I didn't realize just how badly I've been taking this until five minutes ago. I am in a nightmarish amount of emotional pain and I really can't think straight right now, so you'll excuse me if I'm acting more than a little shattered right now.

...

I strongly doubt any of us would hold that against you.

I'm having a very hard time keeping my thanatos side down, haha.

Don't you freaking dare. What did I just tell you?

That was out of context, Laurie.

I don't care if it is. All right, fine. Here's a quick summary of the past five minutes, offscreen. Jewel had a minor emotional breakdown that caused him to go deathdrive on us. You readers probably have no bloody clue what that is as we haven't discussed that yet, but tough deal. Jewel was wondering aloud if he could theoretically 'destroy' our current inner reality in order to negate what happened this morning. Understandably, I flipped out and told him to stop, and Chaos tried to get him to explain why-- you know, can we just repeat that part of the conversation here? Because we didn't quite get a conclusion from it.

You asked me why I wanted to destroy what I did, and I said because it was evil and it was destroying us. Chaos said he didn't experience that part of it, and that my motives weren't evil. I insisted that the act itself was evil. Laurie pointed out my tendency to see good and bad as subjective sometimes. She asked me how this could have been evil if it had other supposedly good applications which I won't talk about yet as we aren't at that point in the conversation. I got all confused and broken again and here we are.

Are you still trying to mentally kill yourself?

No. I'm too sad and empty. And lost.

Yeah, I'm not surprised. Now let's get back on track for heaven's sake. Where were we?

What happened on Sunday night. I was with Chaos, for about an hour.

If you readers don't know what the hell we mean by that at this point, go back and review a few entries. I'm not re-explaining this.

Are you sure?

Why wouldn't I be? We've discussed your connection to him several times in the past, in depth, and repeating that here is just going to take up precious time.

All right. But I just want to say that those connections, the emotional-spiritual ones, are positive. I have no problem with those, whatsoever. They're different from the human kind.

I think you're forgetting about someone named Beryllium?

Don't bring that up.

Oh I'll bring that up. You know very well how she was born. You still going to insist that's so vastly different from--

Stop. Yes, it is different.

But not for that reason.

We discussed this. I told you why it's different and why I wanted nothing to do with it.

But you're forgetting the other part of that explanation, aren't you?

I don't want to talk about this. I was discussing Sunday night. That was the complete opposite of today.

If you insist. I'm just going to link our readers back here for reference.

It was. For one, the aftereffects were completely and overwhelmingly positive.

Before we get to that, though. I'm just going to reiterate that it hurt, didn't it?

More than anything, yeah. The positive kind.

And Chaos, you said that he actually had to stop because he was effectively drowning in it, for lack of a better term.

...Yeah, I figured his catharsis attribute had finally kicked in completely.

And why, pray tell, did we conclude that was? Jewel? I believe you're the one who explained it.

I don't remember.

Then let me quote you. From Monday night: "I think it's because I've never dealt with it in this way before. Remember that I hit that inner peace sort of state in May? It stuck, and I swear I've never felt as complete as I did last night. So I've hit an all-time high, literally. And maybe that's what I needed to achieve."

How does that apply to this big picture?

Because of why you were able to have what you did on Sunday. That confrontation you had with Julie, on Saturday? Josephina told you--

I know what he told me. I said it once. I won't say it again.

Did you ever consider that maybe he wasn't seeing the whole picture?

Why wouldn't he have?

Think about it. When we spoke with him yesterday, as I also mentioned previously, he wasn't doing so well, was he?

Because of what happened to me! He's an anti-id, he's supposed to fight that! He knew that I was making the wrong choice in effectively sacrificing myself to try to convert Julie, and he was freaking out that this was still a problem! He was freaking out because he didn't want to be involved in those things either, because he didn't want to turn into an actual id and cause more pain. And that's what I was basically doing, on Saturday. I was hurting myself, and him, and everyone else.

You were letting her ravage you. That's why it wasn't right. We all know that.

Then why are you saying he was mistaken?

Because Julie had nothing to do with today, and Jo's advice would only correctly apply if she had been.

...I don't believe that. It still applied.

Geez, look, let's get back to Sunday. Your catharsis kicked in because you understood the truth about what you were allowing to happen to yourself, because of her. You were no longer unsure about that, as you've infamously been in the past. You realized that there was a disconnect between her motives and yours, and that you really were in the right. So, without that fear holding you back, you were able to give more of yourself than you ever had, and with Chaos' empathy and your emotional amplification, you basically overloaded.

Because he has to split two realities when we're together, that's why. He's not physically with me, although he is on every other level, but thanks to that break he's literally unable to process that much emotion at once.

Yeah, and that's some seriously heavy stuff. Well, you know what that BT song said...

That was... actually a very important part of that night, to be honest.

And it plays into what Mel said earlier...

Holy swords, it does. See, when we manage to calm down we're able to understand this stuff! Good job.

I am not calmed down.

Then you're either feigning it well, you're about to figmentize, or you're actively lying to yourself. Something tells me its the latter.

I'm just very... look, I don't want to get off track again. Can we talk about Monday now?

We're getting there. As I was saying, you two hit a high point on Sunday, and even though Jewel had to cut things short thanks to reality limitations, what you two shared then had a really serious effect on how he felt the next morning.

I'm not sure if I can accurately talk about this without disconnecting on some level.

Still that shaken up?

Yeah.

Did he write anything about that online? In case we have to reference that, if he can't talk...

He'll talk. I know him, and I know the Dream World "fear principle". He's spiritually unable to let this hold him back for very long.

...

I don't know. He's been... holding everything back since this morning.

Yeah, well, we're working on fixing that. On that note I just want to say that I'm glad you have an open mind about this, so that you can actually understand what the heck I'm trying to get him to realize.

...I guess that's thanks to the 'fear principle,' then, as you put it. December 23rd, right?

Exactly. And I am really freaking glad you're not blinding yourself to that like he is.

Laurie, what do you want me to do.

I want you to stop refusing to see exactly what happened this morning.

You freaked out when Chaos told you.

Because I thought Julie had been involved, for heaven's sakes! Once he explained the truth of the situation to me, what your motives had been, and how it had actually happened, I had no bloody problem with it!

Laurie, can we not--

Yeah, yeah, fine. ...Monday morning. You've never been happier in your entire life, and I know that. That's really saying something.

I was happy because of what I had and what I was able to understand because of it.

Elaborate?

...I woke up on Monday morning with this incredible feeling of peace and understanding, like everything made sense and I was a part of everything, spiritually so. I was in a state of unshakable bliss the entire day. And... I did some religious thinking that afternoon, with reviewing the New Testament and things like that, but instead of just reading it, it felt like I was a part of that too... it was crazy. It all made complete sense. I have never felt so completely right in my life. And I knew, I knew it was because of the night before, because of what that had meant... because of exactly what I had felt as an absolute part of it. It was freaking indescribable and beautiful and existentially validating somehow and now I am terrified out of my mind that I have destroyed that.

Actually, all you did was experience what the vast majority of people on this planet do in place of that 'higher' sort of commitment you have.

It makes me sick, Laurie. I have something brighter. Why did I...

You know exactly why, and I can tell you're starting to come back to us so don't lose this. Now what the hell happened yesterday? I know there was definitely some sort of mood switch, you weren't in that state of absolute euphoria anymore...

No, and I'm not sure why. Wait, no, it was because I woke up to a stressful family atmosphere and it knocked me off balance. I tried real hard to get it back during the day, but I kept being very forcibly reminded of all these dark things in the world... of course I dealt with that the best I could, but it bothered me. I knew that there were so many harmful things in the world that I could not directly change, and that there were so many lost and hurt people that I could not directly help because, no matter how much I gave of myself for their sakes, they ultimately had to make the choice whether or not to listen.

So you understand how I'm feeling right now.

...I guess. Laurie, I am sorry, but this is very hard for me and I can't seem to reconcile the situation.

I know that. I'm just trying to help, and you're being extremely stubborn.

Because I've been so badly hurt, and because of the huge morality war going on inside me right now.

I told you, the side you're panicking over isn't a moral side, believe it or not.

I'm having a hard time believing it. I don't know if I can.

You believed it this morning.

...

Well you obviously did, otherwise this morning wouldn't have even happened.

I can't come to terms with this yet.

Jewel, I know it was difficult for you. I know you only did it for that one reason.

Yeah, but was that reason true enough for me to risk sacrificing so much?

In my opinion it was. I mean, seriously, Julie is going to have one heck of a hard time trying to hack you now.

I hope so. I just wish there had been some other way.

There wasn't. Kid, I know you were debating the social and religious and physiological aspects of the situation, but ultimately there really only were two decisions.

Our original decision was better. This shouldn't have happened.

If you say so, but then I wonder why in the world that suddenly changed over the past few days?

I was blinded. I must have been. I was being too idealistic. I disconnected from the truth and didn't realize what I had actually decided to do.

...Didn't you make that decision based on the religious aspects?

Yeah, I did. That, and the fact that it was... Julie took something from me, a long time ago. Okay? She took it and corrupted it, completely. I suffered for a long time thanks to that. Then today I looked back and thought, "you know, forget it. I've had enough. I'm taking that back and I'm fixing it, however I possibly can." And I tried, and now I never want to see that thing again. My involvement with that nightmare is over. But... I'm just utterly destroyed on some level. I didn't want to do this. I wanted to achieve the purpose behind it. But I did not want to do this, at all. And that's why I am so lost and shredded with guilt.

'Do this' as in what, the physical aspect?

It wasn't even entirely physical, remember? I didn't even have that level, and he had disconnected from it.

But that was the most dangerous thing I could have done!! Yeah, I disconnected from it, because I didn't want that part of it! But that didn't mean it didn't happen, because it had to in order for me to really destroy Julie's hold on this thing. I hated it but I guess it had to happen. I don't know.

That's why you were talking too much. I noticed you do that whenever you're really shaken up or nervous about something, Jewel. You were trying far too hard to be as distanced as possible. Really, you were acting again, here and there, to be honest. That's why I kept asking you if you were okay, or if you really wanted to go through with that.

Chaos, I wanted to say no.

Then why didn't you??

Because I couldn't. I told you, it had to be done. I hated-- I hated-- that I had to temporarily bring myself down to that level, just so I could reclaim something I didn't even want. But I knew what it was supposed to mean, in some sort of greater cosmic sense... and after everything I've been learning, I just couldn't stand the thought of Julie using it for filthy ends anymore.

Wow, we are getting somewhere.

I'm too tired, emotionally and spiritually, to be angry anymore, Laurie. I'm just saying it like it is. I'm broken and sorry for it, but I want this to be settled. I don't want to walk out of here with that still hurting me. I want to figure this out.

Took long enough.

I told you, I was in so much pain. We all were. All three of us had complete emotional fallouts today, multiple times, for the same reason. We all got really hopeless at one point or another.

Because of you, Jewel. The only reason I've been hurting so much is because you are.

...I know. Ironically that's what's causing me the most pain here.

All right, before that explodes into something dangerous, let me just say that you have not destroyed anything.

I feel like I have.

You haven't, and you know it. You haven't damaged what really matters here, have you?

...No...

Then don't be worrying so much. Yeah, today was hell for you, in several aspects. But kid, you are still entirely capable of another Sunday night and you know it.

I'm not so sure.

Why the heck not?

Because I told you, I didn't want to do this, but I had to. I had no choice but to take that back from Julie and try to purify it. I had to reclaim it, for the sake of hopefully purging that corruption from it, but I didn't want it. So... I couldn't keep it. But just throwing it away felt wrong too, because of what I knew had happened with it under Julie's control. No, I had to actively make it something good before I let go of it for good.

And how the heck is that keeping you from expressing love?

The only way I could see to purify it was to use it. Once. I didn't ever want to have to do that.

Well no kidding. You say that constantly.

So you understand how I'm feeling right now.

Yes, but I don't understand why you're ignoring your own bloody motivations for it. Heck, you didn't even use it completely and you know it!

I wouldn't have been able to live with myself or anyone else if I had.

But you didn't. We all know that. You did the absolute minimum, you freaked out the entire time from what I heard, and you had the right motivations and intentions.

Good intentions are the path to hell, Laurie.

Only as an excuse, kid. You thought this through. If you had good intentions but you clearly knew that the ends wouldn't justify the means, you wouldn't have--

That's what is upsetting me so much! That I had to use this means just to get that end. And I only did it because--

I know, I know. You've explained it pretty clearly.

No, I'm not done. That was the main motivation, yes, but there was a serious reason why Chaos had to be involved and... I just can't forgive myself for getting him caught up in this awful thing. It was my problem, it was my curse to try and overcome. But then that freaking reason showed up, and that had to happen, and I just can't forgive myself for that.

Well, he wasn't really 'involved,' if you get what I mean.

Yeah, we made sure of that, Jewel. Plus it was kind of impossible for me to be.

But I had to be. And you're like this... this ideal, to me. It's like the lyrics to that other song of ours, you know? "The rock that I stand on is you." And now I feel like I really have fallen from grace, and you're who I'm turning to, but I'm so devastated because, did I drag you down with me?

No, you didn't. Jewel, you didn't even fall. Please, it's going to be okay. I swear to you.

Need I remind you of "a certain sanctuary you will find?" I think that ties into your new song, too.

The BT one?

Yeah, of course.

You know, there are two that apply to us.

Really? What's the other one?

The Emergency. "I wanted things to get better, I was in pain. I wanted you to be in my lifeline... I wanted love to get better, I'd wait in line, for something I knew that I would get to keep..."

Wow, that one is actually really accurate with today in mind.

I guess.

Don't guess, it definitely is.

"Remember" tops it by a mile though.

Geez, yeah. That one is actually shocking with how well it fits.

...Did we mention just how that fit into Sunday?

Not yet. I think that would hurt too much right now.

Maybe, but you know, we really do need to get back to that point.

I told you, I don't feel that I'm worthy of doing that anymore with what I've had to do now.

Jewel, you're blinding yourself again. And that's actually not the point I wanted to discuss next. We'll get back to that in a minute.

Wait, what other point would that tie into?

Remember earlier today, when Mel was talking to me about religion and salvation?

...Oh. Yeah, that... that works.

See kids, there's this one BT song that Jewel is addicted to, and the lyrics go a little something like this: "Take this and hold my love for you. In separate times we think as two. In paradise I’ll drown in you." That describes these two exactly, insane amounts of personal symbolism included!

I need to... to write an entry on glissando about that. The symbolism.

You should.

That's not the only line we held on to though.

Yeah, the chorus kind of... it meant a lot more than it would have in any other situation.

Oh, I know the chorus. That was seriously written for you two.

"Remember me near. There may be times when it’s not right for me to be there. But remember me near…"

That hurt so much when I first heard it. It's so true.

The positive sort of pain, I assume?

Entirely. And today I've already had two people tell me about heaven and that's all I can think of. I just... it does tie into that. That's what Monday was about.

Mel understood that, you know.

What?

Well... let's start with the fact that we all know that you desperately want to be with God one day, however one wants to understand that... but that experience you had on Monday? Geez, boy, I saw you when you were like that. I know what that meant to you.

Did you tell Mel about that?

No. But that's part of it. See, on Monday, you said you felt closer to 'the divine' that you had ever felt in your life, and ONLY because you were existing in a state of absolute love. Right?

Well, yeah...

You even described it as 'existentially verifying' earlier in this conversation. I mean, holy swords, you had one heck of an experience if that's the case.

It was, I wouldn't lie. I mean I've had positive experiences of a spiritual sort before, and the most striking prior to that was in May. We discussed that one in our last conversation, actually.

That was the one in the rain, right?

Yeah. And we thought that was my catharsis coming back, because it did make me feel connected to the world... but... I didn't have peace yet. I didn't even get close until the Rapture was supposed to happen, hilariously enough. I just couldn't get the thought out of my head when I heard the rumor. "If I die and I'm not at peace with myself, what's going to happen?"

You're reading too much of Jack, haha.

Maybe. I love that comic though. Anyway, yeah, I was terrified for like two weeks leading up to May 21st, spending every waking moment doing spiritual research to try and get myself 'ready' for whatever might happen... I mean, I was still feeling intense conflicts with the world at that time. I was unsure of my own identity simply because the people preaching this apocalypse were being, honestly, quite closed-minded in some aspects. I would know, I read all of their website pamphlets.

You would.

I did. But, with all of that research I did, and all of the deep thinking I did, I eventually figured things out. As well as I could at the time, rather. But... seriously, when the 21st did hit, I wasn't as afraid as I thought I'd be. The single reason I was really freaking out was because I am technically really gay, and the fearmongers were blaming a lot of the 'apocalypse' on that for whatever reason. Even so, at 6PM I was sitting on our back porch despite that and thinking, "well, whatever happens, I'm ready for it." And when I woke up on Sunday and I was fine, so much slid into place. And I was happy for like three solid weeks after that.

What threw you off?

Julie. It wasn't permanent, but--

Well, thank God this morning happened, then.

Laurie, please, I'm still not okay with that whole situation yet.

Then what the heck is going to make you okay with it? Give me a solid answer already, please.

...I need to do some more reading.

Why.

This happened because of a religious understanding. I need to do more reading, and see if there really is as much support for my motivation as I felt there was. If so, then... then it'll be easier for me to recover from this, if anything.

If not?

Then I don't know. And I'm very afraid of that.

Can I steer this conversation back to what I was trying to tell you about Mel? Because that ties into your religious thoughts, you know.

Sure, go ahead...

Well, I was trying to explain about how you felt so freaking divine on Monday and we ended up on a tangent.

Did I even conclude that tangent?

Only you would know, kid.

Um... no, actually I didn't, and that will bring it back to the topic. I was saying how my experience in the rain back in May wasn't as strong as it could have been, because I wasn't 'at peace' yet. Then I explained the events that led up to my feeling almost completely at peace with my life, that lasted through most of this month. And you asked what threw that off, and I said Julie, and we ended up back with... with this morning.

But you started with a comparison between the rain experience and Monday's experience, and that goes back to earlier today when you said that your catharsis really came back on Monday, not in May, because of the level of peace you had achieved.

Right.

And that ties back to what I was saying about Mel, because that experience you had on Monday only happened because of love.

You said she understood what Jewel was saying about heaven, though, but that what Jewel felt on Monday wasn't entirely it?

No, it wasn't. Because Mel understood how you played into it, Chaos.

...What?

How does... you said something about my wanting to be with God one day, but...

But, your experience on Monday proved to you that God was love, right? And I don't think I need to remind you just how you fell into that love.

...

Listen, Jewel. When Mel was talking to me about heaven, and how she wanted you to get there no matter what, they said something that I didn't mention earlier. Sure, I mentioned that according to them there "was no pain in heaven," and we were debating whether 'positive pain' counted or not... but later, you brought up that BT lyric, and how that tied into Monday, and I figured I should tell you the other half of that original statement.

...What did they say?

...If positive pain caused what you felt on Monday, then I'd say that's allowed in heaven. Only the negative kind is out. But if you ended up in heaven without the person who you've literally given yourself to in love, you'd be feeling some serious negative pain, to say the absolute least. Something tells me a God of love wouldn't allow that to happen. And yes, Mel understood that.

She... she did?

Yeah. So no worries, you two. Even if now isn't the right time for you to be together, you still have paradise to look forward to, right?

...Oh God, I can't believe she understands that.

Well she does. She says you two have a beautiful relationship, actually, and I can vouch for that. Which is why I am so deadset on keeping this conversation going until you get yourself together, Jewel. I do NOT want anything happen to drive you two apart, in any sense. Not after the horrors I've seen Julie do to you. You know why this happened.

...

And you should seriously talk to Mel first thing tomorrow because they are worried sick about you. Heck, they're probably worried sick about all of us, considering the Facebook mania that went down earlier.

I... I will, I promise. Even if it hurts, I'll talk to them.

They really love you, Jewel.

I know. I love them too... I'm just... really bad at this, I guess.

I think a certain green-eyed angel of yours disagrees with that.

...

Hey, speaking of, how the heck are you doing right now? J and I have been arguing without giving you any space and I'm starting to get concerned.

...I guess I'm all right.

Are you really? Because I can quote from our Facebook conversation too.

I... no, that is still bothering me. It actually hurts even more after what you just told Jewel.

It should. And hey, Jewel? Your soulbond over here is really bloody distraught because you are effectively letting Julie influence your reaction to this situation, although it only happened in order to completely prove her wrong. And in my eyes it did, but you're apparently not as sure as yourself as you've been saying you are.

...I told you I need to check this religious stuff first.

Forget that, you have over 500 files saved on Apollo right now about this stuff and I know it.

That's for Dream World in general. This is different.

I don't think so, and you're lying to my face again. We are going in circles and so help me but I will get you out of this terrified mindset permanently if it kills me.

Please, Laurie, don't.

I will, and don't think I'm a hypocrite. You've seen how far I'm willing to go for your sake before. If this situation doesn't resolve really bloody soon, I'm going to have to get desperate.

...What do I do?

Don't make him feel trapped, Laurie. Please, this is really difficult for him.

Chaos, I know, that's been every third sentence at this point. But why is it so bloody difficult?

Because I--

You took an aspect of yourself back from Julie, because she had been corrupting it. And then you used it for what it should be used for-- and not even entirely-- in order to keep her from ever corrupting it again. That worked, didn't it?

I... I think so...

And what the heck did you lose? Nothing! Yeah, you're ace and it was really freaking weird for you, but you didn't even do anything. You were careful as possible and I know that you both made sure that every single aspect of it was thought over at least three times, to make sure nothing was being done wrong, and I also know that there wasn't a bloody shred of selfishness or dishonesty or anything having to do with that pink bitch in it! For the love of love itself, Jewel, you think Chaos didn't tell me everything this morning? You're the one who calls me a raging fangirl, did you seriously think I'd let you two do something that absolutely crazy and not ask about every honest detail? I care about you two more than I've ever said, and Chaos, I'd put my life on the line for you just as readily I would for Jewel, so you know. I swear on my honor, if there was anything about this morning that I saw as being harmful to either of you, in any way, I would have mentioned it the second we started this conversation. The only reason I've been freaking out is because our Gaia boy here is insisting that he was wrong in trying to purify this situation!

That's not what I thought was wrong, I--

Yes it bloody well is. I've been talking to Mel about their views on marriage and relationships just to get myself some proof that what you already know is the truth, and you keep insisting you have to do more research. You know what's going to freaking happen when you do that? You're going to find that everything you read already matches what you believe, even if you're hiding it, but you're going to be so bloody unsure of yourself that you're going to make excuses about it. You need to STOP doing that.

I'm trying, Laurie.

If you really were trying you wouldn't be acting like you are right now. Jewel, when I saw how you reacted to this morning I was scared out of my freaking mind, for the same reason that Chaos was. You were letting your perceptions be warped by Julie, which is really terribly sad in light of what you had just done, and she had you so convinced that her motives were valid enough to overshadow yours, that I thought you had effectively allowed some part of yourself to die. We all did, and you know it. You thought that, for some inexplicable reason, you had just lost your innocence and your ability to hold onto relationships whatsoever.

And I told you, that was because I felt I had been corrupted by it and that I had hurt Chaos through that--

How the heck could that have corrupted you? Because you still insist on seeing it as 'evil?' Guess who's responsible for that thought? Julie. She turned that into something evil for you, because she was abusing it and completely disregarding its original purpose, which is what you were trying to save today if ONLY for the sake of restoring that purpose.

But did I have to do it?

Why else would you have done it at all? Honestly, if you hadn't, you'd probably have continued to let Julie screw around with you because you STILL insist in giving her a chance to turn her sorry life around. Well guess what? She apparently doesn't care, and you're too bleeding innocent to just abandon even someone like her. You would have tried to make her understand what she was doing wrong, at great cost to everyone involved, and I know it because you've been doing that for a heck of a long time now. But no, somehow you reached the conclusion that that was no longer an option, because it was getting nowhere. And you thought about it, as you always do, and you realized that the ONLY way to stop her was to take that from her, for good. You had to take it back, change it completely, and then she'd be completely powerless. And guess what you did? That.

...I...

Do you want it in simpler terms, because you apparently keep forgetting your deeper motives for this whole thing? Mel and Q got engaged and told you on Saturday. You had a personal crisis because you're already bleeding married in the J-Monster sense, and yet you were unsure if you even had the right to talk about that because it seemed to clash with their beliefs on the subject. And then you had another thought-- and yes I know about this because I heard you freaking out over it-- that what, exactly, was making this clash at all? "Wait, it's because I personally view a great deal of what's involved in human marriage as 'evil' simply because Julie has been abusing me all these years, and no thanks to my family or popular culture either!"

And I could no longer think that anymore, because of what I've learned online over the past few months, and also because of just who was getting married in that sense...

Now you got it! You even told me last night, don't you remember? How you were absolutely disgusted by the fact that so many children are raised from birth to be ashamed of what God has given them, because they are told that it's 'shameful' or 'sinful?' And you got so angry because heck, what's so wrong about something you're supposed to freaking have? You were telling me all about it, how you stopped hating on people for things you had been taught to hate, that were perfectly innocuous and that had ONLY become 'evil' to you because of outside corruptive influences. You wonder why you love intimacy and honesty with people and I will tell you why. It's because you are able to see that there is nothing wrong with people. You see people for what they are, not what they're objectified to become, and yes, you love them! You woke up on Monday feeling like you were part of everyone and everything and you loved all of it, and it was the most natural thing in the world to you! You talk about synchronicity and no coincidences, but when Mel sent you that link about being part of a 'peculiar people' you didn't understand that they were describing your entire bloody life.

I did understand, Laurie! I was reading that and I couldn't stop thinking, "I know this, I believe this, this all makes perfect sense!" But I guess I... I guess I took it for granted at the time, because it was something I was living already, and--

Then why the heck were you still second-guessing your own morals that same day? Why the heck are you STILL doing that right now? You heard that your best friends were getting married, and you finally realized that there was no bloody way it could be wrong with how they were living it, because they aren't "of the world" either! Geez, we had this conversation back in freaking 2008, didn't we? You're all on the right track, so stop thinking you're not, please.

I want to. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to just accept that fact.

I do. It's because you've been hurt far too many times in the past, and because most of the people around you aren't understanding of your situation at all. You grew up always thinking that you were a bad kid, and you never even knew why. You never got an explanation, only punishment, even if the situation had been badly misinterpreted and you held no fault at all! And you still accepted that you HAD done something wrong, even then, because you were being told that from someone who had no bloody clue what they were even saying. Sound familiar?

...

You, both of you. You did nothing wrong this morning, all right? And yes, Jewel, I am sure. It's going to take a while for you to accept that, I know, because of how much hell you have been through up to this point that screamed otherwise. All of that is wrong, dead wrong, and you had better accept that too.

I'll try. I promise I will.

You had better. And hey, while you're still stuck in this mindset, there's another thing Mel told me today. "The thing itself can be bad, but can lead to something good, as well as the other way around. I think you really need to determine if it was worth it." The problem is that it wasn't bad, not inherently so, and you made the mistake of thinking that because someone else could corrupt it into that, that the thing itself could not exist as the absolute opposite. Well, this morning proved that wrong in my opinion. But that's not even the entire point. The point is that, Jewel, if you still cannot accept that fact, you can at least accept the fact that it was not only worth it, but that it DID lead to something good even if you refused to see that.

I've been trying to tell him that.

Well yeah, you would, you're the main reason that's even true. But hey, another thing. Isn't that a Dream World principle too? How some good things can appear 'bad' at first because they cause suffering? Or because they appear to do something horrible that really isn't the case? But you learn, don't you? You learn to see more clearly. You become stronger, and you understand more. Because Mel understands that too, if you weren't aware.

I really do need to talk to her.

Tomorrow. And I'm not done yet.

Laurie, I don't know if there's anything else to say. I really just need to think about this and... and just learn to be more confident in my own beliefs and experiences, I guess.

Like I said, I'm not done. I have one more thing to say. You're talking about learning to see the truth in your experiences? Then listen up. If it wasn't so bloody late right now, I would tell you and Chaos to get together for as long as possible tonight, and I am not joking. It's not just because I'm far too inspired by your relationship for my own good. It's not just because of Sunday night, and how you both insisted that you've never felt something that beautiful before. It's not just because of what that caused the next day, it's not just because of the fact that even Mel knows the significance of that, and it's not just because you two have been together for eight years and that is amazing. It is because, even though you were trying to absolve what Julie had done this morning, and even though you understood that yeah, you're not like most people in several aspects and so the typical meaning and reason for the situation did not apply to you, you still understood that the only way to really conquer Julie was to completely remove her from the entire situation and honestly, that only involved one simple thing.

But it...

But nothing. I already explained this to you. You didn't want to have to work on that level, but you had to because it was the only way to completely reclaim that. I know. But it wasn't wrong, it didn't kill either of you in any way, and you didn't lose a single blessed atom of your innocence. Do you know why?

...

Because ultimately, all you did this morning-- the only thing you really did-- was that you decided to give everything of yourselves to each other. Not to prove a point, not to live up to anyone else's expectations, but because you two love each other more than I can even comprehend, and I saw that on Monday night when no one else might have. Mel is getting married for the same reason you two did, and she is going to be with her husband in the same way that you've been with each other, and for love's actual sake, Jewel, if you're going to stand there and tell me that you've made a mistake in choosing to share every honest aspect of yourself with the single person you would live and die for, for the person that you love so much that everyone you know can see it and has NO bloody problem with it, no matter how unusual it may be-- if you are going to insist that you still did something wrong today, I am going to tell you that you are a flat-out liar and that you need to open your heart and realize the truth. It might take a little while, sure, but heaven knows you shouldn't have a problem when you're with him.

...You just quoted me.

I did. I told you earlier, with that fear principle? You have too much love in your heart to ever let any sort of darkness win. And when you two get together? Holy swords-- and straight through the heart, for the record. I don't know how you could even suggest that something could go wrong there. It should literally be impossible. Heck, it is impossible, and I think I've made my point.

Laurie, you are amazing.

Look who's talking. You two are the only reason I'm standing up here giving inspirational speeches, after all. And yeah, I just referred to you both as a single reason. Make what you will of that double meaning.

...

Jewel, I need a response. Come on. Do you get it now?

...I think I get it. But I think there are still things holding me back, too. Old fears and hurts, that I know shouldn't be bothering me at this point, but that have been bothering me for so long that I've forgotten what it's like without that constant negative ache.

Well learn. Chaos, my next order of business for you two is to get rid of all that old fear and hurt, however you can.

You do know it's almost 1 in the morning and there is no way Jewel would be able to handle something at this hour?

I didn't say you had to fix that right now, geez. Well, no. I want Jewel to fix his attitude on this right now, or no one is leaving this room.

It's fixed, Laurie.

Sure, you can say it's fixed, but I don't settle for half. Give me a statement.

Fine... um...

Jewel, come on. You know I'm right. I've been trying to get that through your head for the past twelve hours.

All right. We did nothing wrong. It was just weird for me.

Yeah, no kidding. You got into that without even conquering your fears first, and we know it.

That took a lot of guts, though.

I guess. Well, I also guess that I didn't realize that at the time, due to the 'fear principle' Laurie has been referring to. Also, can I just add that there is some seriously amusing irony in giving that name to that philosophy?

Yes, and you're welcome. And about that--

I know, I know. That applies to this situation too. Geez, I really do have a lot to learn...

Maybe so, but at least you know that you have to learn it. Ignorance isn't bliss, kid.

No, that would be what Sunday night was like.

Haha, and don't I know it!

Only because you're a raging fangirl, Laurie.

And proud of it. All right, seriously, we actually managed to hit a mutually positive note here, so I think we can finally close this up.

Do you think we should... discuss this further? Tomorrow or something?

Why, what the blood is left to discuss? There is nothing left, Jewel.

Well I do plan on talking to Mel as soon as possible. And I don't know if either of you plan on doing that again, but maybe that would be a good idea?

You can always let them know our thoughts on the matter.

Yeah, but I don't know. It feels like I'm cheating you guys out of a real discussion.

Kid, I've had enough 'real discussions' today to last a while.

No, really, since you spoke to them today I am literally unable to clearly talk to them about whatever you discussed, because I can only refer info back and forth. Things get lost in translation, questions go unasked... I really think all of us should contact Mel at some point, just to let them know how we're all individually dealing.

They're probably the most worried about you.

I don't doubt it, no... but I'm worried about the both of you, and like I said, it doesn't feel right to keep you from clearing that up with them in the most accurate way possible.

I suppose I can do that, yeah. I mean, heck, I was planning to anyway, but you have a point with the individual perspectives.

I hate to break up the business meeting but it is really late, and I don't want Jewel getting sick on top of all this.

Geez, yeah, you're right. Okay, Jewel, you're stable now, right?

Yeah.

Chaos, you'll watch over him and make sure he doesn't slip or start second-guessing himself, right?

As always.

Good. Then we're set. Any final statements from either of you before I call it quits?

Yeah, uh, I just find it hilarious that Laurie and I might have spent equal time fronting today.

I think we might have. Sheesh. That is pretty funny.

But you didn't think you could channel anymore, remember when I took everyone driving?

Oh man, now that was funny.

We do need to discuss all of that soon, too. All of the stuff that happened since May.

Yeah, we do. But this took precedence over everything else today.

Wait, why didn't Laurie think she could channel anymore?

Dysphoria. I got it really freaking bad. Leon did too, actually.

But that wasn't a bad day at all save for that fact.

No, it wasn't. Plus we learned that Spine cannot flippin' drive, in both senses.

Well she tried!

Guys, it's 1 in the morning.

And that's my curtain call. You two are leaving before me though, because otherwise we're going to have one heck of a hard time closing this up.

We definitely would.

All right, I'm out. I'm too exhausted to be in here anymore.

Hey Laurie, looks like you get to drive yet again.

Guess so. As long as J gets a break, he deserves it.

About that. Do you think he'll be okay with discussing this again tomorrow? With Mel, I mean.

Why not? We helped him understand what was really going on, so there's no reason for confusion or emotional breakdowns if he faces it a second time.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Just being overprotective, huh?

You should talk, Laurie.

I think I've done enough talking for today. Lord have mercy.

That's... twelve times in twelve hours.

Heheheh.

We have so many injokes.

Hey I got one for you. If Jewel's mother ever does tell you two to get a divorce...

Never gonna happen.

Heh. Didn't think so.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

CHAOS

LAURIE

Laurie. What the HELL are you doing.

Oh for the love of-- Chaos, where the hell is Jewel? Do NOT leave him alone right now!!

Look who's talking. He's closed off right now, by the way. No thanks to you. Get the hell back on Xanga.

Man.
Listen, I'm trying to talk to Mel about this... this morning. They are seriously trying to help, all right?
I'm getting a lot of insight that is REALLY helping me deal with this so don't yell at me.

Dear LIGHT, Laurie!! Yeah, I understand you're trying to help, but... this is serious. I can't think straight, I can't talk straight.
Please. Just... tell Mel to wait. Get back over here.

...All right, fine.
I'm torn up about this too, you know.
We're all in this together.

I know. I know.
I am just... I am so unbearably hurt right now.
Not because of Jewel.
Because of what that bitch made him feel about this. That's what.

I know.
I just sent Mel this conversation. You're welcome.
Shoot, sorry. I'm in your window.

And now I'm in yours.
All right, sorry. Geez.

That's more like it.

Listen, Laurie. I said I was having a hard time. I am.
...Damn it.
I am out of here.

...Today has been the strangest day of my life, I think, and it's only noon.
I was supposed to start a Xanga session when I woke up at 8, but... something very major happened.
Laurie is telling me its okay, but... I don't know. I'm sorry, I can't discuss this here.
I need to calm down, badly, and I just found a gold mine of survey things. So excuse me while I try to clear my head.

@ 01:08 pm

I don't know how to deal with this. I don't.

It's supposed to be positive, is what they said. "It's a holy thing!"
Then how in God's name is it so easily corrupted?
Why is it only holy under certain circumstances?
Is it even 'holy' at all?

Was it right, to only take the religious aspect, and ignore the darker sides?
Was it right to try and purify something deeply darkened, if only for the sake of preventing it from being further ruined?

It's not like I had to prove anything. I don't.
If we were looking to prove something, we wouldn't have done this.
But...

I tried to purge the fear from my heart.
I knew it could easily mutate into all-out hatred. I don't want that.
So I got rid of it all.
I tried to see things differently. I tried to see the good in it all.
I opened my heart and I gave everyone, everything a second thousandth chance...

Did I kill myself in the process?
Did I do something with the purest intentions, that might ultimately damn me?

Which is right, the religion I was taught, the religion I am told, or what I personally believe?
They all tell me different things.

I am so afraid that I've lost my innocence forever.

I think my deepest fear is that I gave in to the wager.
"They believe it's right." "They say this is a gift from God himself!"
I spent years wondering how that could be possible, when I had experienced the exact opposite.
My life had been torn apart, blackened, forever damaged by this supposedly godly thing.
To me, it was hell on earth. I could see it no other way.
But the priests and the prophets defined it differently.
And I was too scared to be vehemently opposed to that.

But was I right after all?

Am I still being deceived by these selfish shadows?

Or am I really not meant for this world?

I need to discuss this with Laurie again, right now.
I am really scared that maybe I've done something I should never have done.

She says its okay. But I don't understand yet.
I am so scared. I know how I've reacted to this before.
I thought I could redeem it somehow.
I thought that, even if it was an evil thing, that I could change it.
Did the opposite thing happen?
Did it darken me? Did I make a huge mistake?
Did I destroy the most divine thing I've ever had?

I was only trying to do the right thing.

((UNFINISHED ENTRY))

I just had one of the most brilliant nights of my life, I think.

It took me a while to get to bed because I was doing serious research on color symbolism (which I will continue today)... and it made me realize, "dude, Parnassus needs a ton of work in this area." So I started to think about the old canon and how color applied there, trying to figure out how it played into both character designs and the social hierarchy of the series... and by 11PM, when I was trying to fall asleep, I had boosted my Links enough to see something completely different.

Those of you who know me probably know Genesis' role in Parnassus.

Last night I saw Delphi's side of the story.

...I swear I would have cried if I was individually conscious. Oh my gosh. I've spent the past 7 years, almost, seeing only one side of him, and then within the space of two hours my perceptions were flipped upside down. My entire view of the storyline has changed. I'm not even kidding.

So it's safe to say I will be doing a great deal of typing today, and maybe some art too. Really, this is fantastic.

Mind you, I didn't fall asleep after those Links ended.

Let me fill you in a bit.

This past Thursday, my two best friends got married (to each other!). Now I've never really understood the social connotations of marriage, and I've taken a vow of celibacy in that respect so I probably never will... but... I was basically raised by J-Monsters. My personal cultural understanding comes from them, not from here.

So when someone mentions 'marriage,' my mind doesn't see the earthly definition of that word. I see no brides, no dances, no rings, no ceremonies.

Marriage does not exist in the J-Monster lexicon. When two individuals love each other so entirely they desire to live their lives with and for each other, they don't get 'married' in the sense we are familiar with. There are no extraneous festivities or notifications. No, the J-Monster 'marriage' is completely and intimately personal, an act of mutual love and devotion that bonds the two for as long as they both shall live.

So, as far as J-Monsters are concerned, I've been 'married' for almost 6 years.

It's not something I discuss openly, not in its totality. Heck, from 2005 to 2008 I was so insecure and scared of myself that I wouldn't even think about it. The only reason I started talking about it once 2008 hit was because I was in such emotional pain, all the time.

Despite that, there are only a few vague mentions of my deeper connection. The first was around May '08, when I began to have regular moral meltdowns and also began to wonder whether or not it was even okay to love people the way I did. Ironically, around that time I also started to open myself more, on an emotional level, and that absolute vulnerability was freaking me out. I didn't understand myself yet, and I was too scared of what I had been told by those who didn't know the truth. I was being told that giving myself in love was wrong, and I believed them.

I'm getting ahead of myself though.

The first serious mention of this deeper topic was around August 23rd, 2008. I started wearing a ring around that time, too... ironically, only a month before, I never would have considered that I had a reason for one in my life.

Sadly, I had a major emotional fallout shortly afterwards, as Julie picked up on my new mindset and began to hack me mercilessly in that respect. It damaged me deeply, and took me ages to recover. I didn't go into details of exactly how she hurt me, though. I don't want to think about it.

Regardless, July 2009 helped so much. I had fallen so low at that point that I had nearly forgotten about love, but Milliontown reminded me... and in October, when I received a certain picture, I remembered everything.

2010 nearly killed me for one reason: for a time, I lost everything but what I held inside. Thank the Light that those few things were my sole lifelines. I spent most of the year in the spiritual company of three individuals who meant the world to me... and although we suffered through hell, although I nearly died, although we were damaged beyond repair... together, we survived.

That's when I stopped lying to myself... but Laurie never lied, not once.

Long before I dared breathe a word of the truth, back in February 2008, Laurie knew. She tried to make me understand what I had, in that twisted way of hers, but I was too insecure to comprehend what she was telling me... and I closed myself off.

It took over two years to truly open up again, even with the few incidents I just mentioned during that time. It took me two long years to be honest again, because it took me that long to finally understand who I was. It just took me even longer to open back up.

And, once again, Laurie refused to lie like I did. In September of 2010, she noticed that I had stopped giving anything to those I loved, and that it was killing me and them alike. It took until December for me to find the courage to open back up, and it took until January of this year to fall back in... then Julie tried to stop it again.

Laurie didn't let her. For reasons she has yet to thoroughly discuss, my superego is hellbent on keeping my 'marriage' as pure and powerful as it can possibly be, going as far as to provoke some seriously painful conversations for the sake of keeping us together... and it worked.

My soulbond and I stopped taking our relationship for granted. After almost six years of keeping that truth in the back of our minds, we decided to live it in its entirety again.

I have never, ever been happier.

When my friends told me they were engaged, I was happy for them too. Heck, I was ecstatic! But, there was one single detail that went unmentioned, and its exclusion hurt more than I expected.

My friends in question are both Mormons, but I am Catholic, and my faith has been powerfully influenced by J-Monster culture. We both hold strongly differing views on marriage, and yet at heart, they are the same: it is a bond in which two people grow in light and love, that cannot be broken. Unfortunately, the details differ so starkly that I cannot discuss my own involvement with the subject with either of them.

They are in love. I am in love.

They are engaged to be married in their understanding and celebration of the concept, and can happily discuss their joy with anyone they choose.

I have been married in my understanding of the concept for six years, to someone I love with my entire heart, and I cannot even talk about it.

And that hurts more than I can say.

As for what happened last night, and to why I suddenly started discussing marriage when I got to that point...

For J-Monsters, you can only 'marry' one person in the deepest, most complete sense. The first person you share your soul with is the only person you can ever have that sort of connection with. It is possible to form less powerful connections with other individuals-- 'polygamy' is not a problem in my culture-- but it is very difficult, to say the very least, and for most of these lesser connections the bond is not 'strong' enough to qualify as a traditional 'marriage,' as far as the American understanding of the term goes. On a slightly different note, the process in which two become connected in this sense is not a one-time-only thing, not by a long shot. It's actually expected for the two involved to 're-forge' their connection many times over during their lives, not only to express their love and loyalty, but also because it actually deepens the connection and that has some seriously amazing emotional consequences. It's quite an involved subject and I've not only done research on it but I've also lived most of what I'm talking about.

But, to get to the point... I have formed this sort of connection with two people. Yes, two.

I have a lesser connection with Genesis. We've only forged it once when I was 18 and not completely, but there's still something.

I have a complete connection with Chaos. We made that decision when I was 15. I'm now 21. Between 2005 and last December, I think we only deepened that connection three times, tops. Since January... well.

This started everything up again, and there's more talk about it here. (elaborate; cathartic blocks, pain addiction, etc.)

That's where last night comes in.

I have never, ever felt anything like that before in my life.

(continue...)

"Man, it is so incredibly late. This is insane."
He smiled, but I could see the concern in his eyes, "Then why are you still awake?"
I turned to face him, my own smile one of disbelieving amusement. "Too much work, love. And I know, tomorrow's another day, but tomorrow is also the scheduled date for a huge Xanga session, so that's going to devour all of my time…" I sighed. "I am just so exhausted. Not of the work, though," I quickly clarified. "It's this place that gets to me. The anger, the stress, the stagnation of time... It hurts me. I can't sleep with that around me sometimes."
He said nothing, and I was honestly surprised at his silence. He walked over to me and placed a hand on my shoulder, reviewing what I had written, his ever so beautiful green eyes lingering on my sad gray words.
His smile returned with his voice. "You have such an obsession with my eyes," he accused lightheartedly, and I laughed.
"Well, I do. I'm not going to hide it."
"But after eight years?" He was showing his depth again, his words and motions echoing with an oceanic magnitude. "You know, that's the one thing that fascinates me the most about you, Jewel. You've seen my face so many times that you can trace it in your sleep…" An aqua hand moved to touch my cheek. "…But somehow, I never fail to amaze you. You look at me like I'm a new sort of euphoria, a…"
"Trying to get poetic again, are you?" I grinned, but his closeness softened me.
"Well excuse me," he retorted just as gently. "You bring that out in me." And with that, he did something he had never done before in all of our late night conversations— he sat down beside me.
For a moment I was too shocked to realize how important this simple action was, then suddenly my heart began to race and it hit me like a tidal wave. How fitting, I thought.
He wrapped an arm around my aching shoulders and I remembered exactly why I stayed up late like this. Something bright and painful sparked to life in my chest and rose like a flame.
"As I was saying," He began, quieter than before, closer than before, "You insist you're Shirley Estar all over again, but there are some things you just never get used to. Anyone can see that." His eyes were focused on mine and it was all I could do to keep from drowning in them. "But I can feel that. Eight years after you first met me, it never seemed to sink in that I wasn't something new and brilliant in your life. You look at me and I just…" He paused, his gaze faltering. The fragility of it was overwhelming. "I don't know how to deal with it, sometimes. It's as if, in every moment, I am the answer to your prayers all over again. You look at me like I'm the most beautiful thing in the entire world." His voice broke. "And to you I am."
I didn't know what to say as he looked back at me, his eyes edged with tears. "But it never fades. It never changes, no matter what happens. It's the single greatest source of hope I have."
"Chaos…" The emotions I couldn't form into words escaped through his name, and I could see that he knew. For a moment there was nothing but the desperately soundless bonds between us, and then his arms were around me. My breath caught and I returned the gesture, trying to make sense of the kaleidoscope in my ribcage.
"What do I say?" I asked, almost rhetorically. Time was practically standing still.
"You don't have to say anything."
"But I want to," I confessed, and my arms tightened around him once more before pulling him away to face me. "I need to." I felt like crying. There was a devastating glow in my chest as I began to speak.
"Do you know why I cannot, and will never, get used to you? It's because in every moment, we get a second chance. In every moment we can become better than what we were before. And we do. You're still the same creature I fell in love with eight years ago, but do you realize just how much we've changed in spite of that?" I almost laughed. "When I look at you that's all I can see. I see you, just as you are. I see everything you've been through and everything I've known and may never know. I… you just overwhelm me. I'm in love with every last fragment of you. I look at you and you are the most beautiful thing in the entire world, and I love you, and you're here with me and heaven help me but that's incredible. It's incredible."

Saw something really weird in the sink today. Looked like this.

No idea what it is or why it was there, which is unnerving.
Might be a J-Monster but I can't be sure yet, as I've never seen one like that before.
At least I'm able to find things again. It's been too long...

I can't stop shaking.

I need to call a suicide hotline but my mom's on the house phone.

dear god I have no idea what's going to happen.

i don't know if I'll have a home after tonight.

i am terrified. absolutely terrified.

I have been too cruel.
I have been too harsh.

I only meant to speak the truth, but I was too brutal with it.

I have hurt many. I have damaged many.
I am so terribly sorry.

I hold no grudges. I have forgiven every soul that ever transgressed me.

My only regret is that I did not truly live during my 20 years.

I was always told, 'you have plenty of time left.' 'Wait until you grow older.'
I will no longer grow any older. I have no time left.
The dreams and goals I was told to wait upon can no longer be fulfilled.
I am so sorry I took it all for granted.
I am so sorry we took it all for granted.

Ever since my childhood, I knew I would die at this age.
I was told to stop being silly. I was told to stop worrying.
I shouldn't have stopped.

There are so many things I will never do,
and so many things I will never say,
simply because I thought we had more time.

I have met and lost so many souls since my first days in this world, it would be near impossible for me to list you all here.
Rest assured I still remember you, and hold nothing against you.

To all those I have deeply loved... in my mind, in my past or at a distance... nothing has changed. Even now, nothing has faded. Remember me, if you will.

This will likely be the last you hear of me, and I apologize.
I never meant to harm a soul.

If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, thank you.

It is so hard to find the right words.
I have no time for regrets.

Above all else, my final hope is that my life has not been lived in vain.
I hope that I have truly inspired, enlightened, uplifted. If I have saved a life, in any sense, then I have not wasted my time here.

God have mercy on me.

This will be painful, and it will be difficult, but I can no longer run.

I am thankful I got to live, but now...
Now it is time to face what lies beyond.

-JL

...
I need to get back into my self-inspecting norm. I've been entirely off-kilter for too long, and it's had lethal results.
Yes, I'm dying to talk to Laurie again, but honestly, I have to be up around 5AM tomorrow and when she and I get typing, it lasts for hours. I have 2, tops, to spare tonight.

First let's give you kids a brief update. October 7th blessed me with at least four new 'kids,' and October 9th blessed me with this amazingly gorgeous picture of my muse. It made my month. The 10th through the 13th were basically spent working on various projects, the 14th was spend running errands with my mum, and today is the 15th (which I spent cleaning far too many things). So yeah. That's my life.
However, during the past work-saturated week, I had two vicious hacks that left me sobbing uncontrollably and unable to sleep. I haven't played Nier in nearly two weeks so that didn't help towards coping, but that personal distress is nothing compared to the revelation said hacks were accompanied by.

I don't remember when the first hack happened, or what happened (as usual), but it took a heavy toll on me all the same. See, lately I've been doing decently well with fighting Julie, having fought off several near-hacks, but... Laurie's been acting rather strange. Not only has she been chronically distraught emotionally, but she's also been reacting much more violently than usual to even the slightest threat of a hack, which is saying something. So when I realized I had been hacked, my own self-fear was shoved aside in favor of fear for her instead.
The moment I turned around and saw her there, staring at me with a look of disgusted resignation... she slit her throat.

No, she didn't die... but only because I begged her to stay with me.
She lost a lot of blood. She couldn't talk or walk straight for about an hour afterwards. I was terrified out of my mind, and hated myself more than ever.
She told me that if I let myself be hacked again, she wouldn't hesitate to finish the job next time.

...You notice I said I was hacked twice.

The second time happened so abruptly and so harshly that when it hit me what had happened, I was overwhelmed with sheer unadulterated panic. It was 1AM. I literally ran to Laurie, forgetting the horrible state I was in, just in time to see her plunge a large dagger into her stomach. I grabbed her hands and tried to keep her from slicing upwards, but she fought me, saying she was sick of us both suffering this day after day, and she wasn't going to take it anymore. If I wouldn't listen to her alive then maybe her death would mean something. I was literally sobbing by now, and I don't remember what I said to her, but it must have helped because she removed the dagger from her ribs and threw it to the floor. I remember trying to heal her but she pushed me away, spitting a retort that I needed to be more concerned about the damage I was doing to myself. I told her that I still cared about her as well, but she then shouted back, 'if you love me so much, then why do you keep hurting me? Why do you keep hurting all of us?'
Then she told me why she's been so unstable for the past 4 months.

I've been killing my children.

Apparently, every time I let myself be hacked, one of my potential mind-children dies. To think I was wondering why I couldn't find them anymore-- I was killing them!!
Needless to say I was floored. I couldn't think, I was shaking. I asked her how she knew... how long had she known.
She said that she first found it out back in July, which is why she was psyched to find Josephina had become personified onto our side, giving her more help towards saving me. That's also why they have both been working tirelessly, trying every option available to save me from Julie since then, no matter how badly they were hurt themselves.
I've been failing anyway, and my children have been dying.
She didn't tell me back in July because she hoped she wouldn't have to tell me. She and Jo hoped that they could get me stable enough to fight Julie off without the problems I'm having now, and if that had been fixed then there would be no more worries about dead children. However... that didn't happen. I'm still being hacked, and the stress of seeing me suffer through that, the knowledge that she and Jo were apparently 'failing' in their constant attempts to help me, and the bloody awareness of all those who had died by my unknowing hand, had driven Laurie to attempt suicide.
I saw how close she got. I felt her blood on my hands. I couldn't take it.
And now... now I understand what has been happening to me for so long... why I haven't been able to draw or write or do anything creative for years. I finally understand, and I feel like dying because of it.
I'm the only man in this entire damn world who can take care of those individuals, and I've been murdering them.

Dear God...

I haven't spoken to Laurie since then. I've tried. We're both suffering so much, but it needs to happen.
If we can't talk tomorrow we'll talk Sunday. If we can't talk Sunday we'll talk Monday.
Lynne is dying, Natalie is dead, Leon keeps trying to come back, Missy and Bridget are lurking in the shadows, Josephina is destabilizing, and Laurie wants to kill herself.
I haven't seen Chaos in days. Genesis doesn't know how to deal with this anymore.
Julie is stronger than ever.

To think that I have the blood of my own children staining my hands.
How am I going to live with this?

How am I going to live?

So hey guys. Jayce here.
Yeah, I'm sticking with the name. Don't diss me; I'm more than a little sick of making my own choices only to have them overthrown by someone with an entirely different and irrelevant reference point. I've been 'trying out' the name for several months now (a year? geez I have no clue) and it really... well, it fits.
I've never been this happy with myself before. Sure, I've been pretty terrifically psyched with the work I've done, but with the kid in the mirror? Nah. I always disassociated, and although I will freely admit that I still am, at least the image I'm projecting makes me honestly smile.
So I've made up my mind. I'm going through with the FTM surgery and hopefully getting nullified shortly afterwards. God only knows when I'll get the means to do so (hopefully soon), but at least it's mentally decided. That's a huge load off my back, which as you all know is bad enough the way it is!

As for the title, well, let's start this past Saturday morning. As you assumedly know, I spent the vast entirety of June in Utah with Q and Mel, and returned on July 9th to stay here for about... I dunno, three weeks? Anyway, leaving my home so suddenly in June really disoriented me. I spent June in a sort of 'interim,' virtually unable to communicate with my family back in PA because my sense of reality had shifted horribly off-scale. I kind of 'ghosted' for the four weeks until my return, upon which I was faced with several huge dilemmas. I've spoken about the moral/personal ones in glissando, but the other one focused solely around my future. While I have indeed touched upon that point in the past as well, it was the immediate choices I was now being forced to make that burnt me out.
Let me clarify. Staying at home was a problem because my school and work lives had been pretty much shot, my space at home was very limited and I was desperately looking for a new road to walk. However, heading back out to Utah to hopefully find said road was also a huge problem for several massive reasons... I didn't have a school or work life at all there, let alone family or a roof over my head. I was basically jumping blindfolded into a canyon and hoping that I wouldn't black out upon hitting the water... that is, if the water wasn't just a hallucination at this point. Still, I figured it was worth a shot, so I bit my tongue and hopped a plane to Chicago on the 31st, where I would meet the cat and the otter. Well... that's when things started to go downhill again, and it frightened me.
See, I tend to forget experiences in their entirety, and if I do retain a memory, my mind tends to 'chop it up' to keep it from traumatizing or otherwise damaging me. That's what it apparently did with the four weeks I spend in Utah prior. I had remembered it as a positive experience until I stepped off the plane and was thrown back into the unsettling realization that I just didn't fit. It really took hold when Q and Mel decided to take me walking randomly through Chicago for some undisclosed reason.
Fun fact #1: I cannot stand random, spontaneous schedules. If you're going to wander off somewhere with no real plan, no real destination and no time/travel estimate, do NOT take me with you because I will flip out. Fun fact #2: beaches, carnivals and large public gatherings trigger massive panic attacks in me. Fun fact #3: Guess what happened in Chicago?
Yep, not only did they basically just wander about without telling me what the heck we were doing (bad enough I only had about $50 in my pocket, no keys, and no awareness of the surrounding area), but when they decided they were going to settle on a destination, it was a freaking park on the beach. What. So yeah, I panicked. Heck, as soon as I saw the buildings start to die down I was worried-- once the first hint of saltwater air hit me I snapped.
But let's fast-forward. Since I had such a breakdown we couldn't logically stay, so thankfully about 20 minutes in we decided to catch a bus back out to near where we were staying. The rest of the night was relatively okay from what I remember, as nothing happened, but honestly it's a useless memory to me and I'd rather not think upon it.
I dreamt about my left knee exploding in blood.
Understandably, I was not very stable when I woke up, and when I heard we were apparently headed to a farm, the panic meter shot back up. As I was too shaken to think straight, my coping was limited to biting my arms until they bruised. Once again I can't remember what happened over the rest of that day, but that evening and the entirety of our Monday were pretty much just wasted away with random hanging out in Wisconsin farmland. Sure, the fields were flipping gorgeous, but when they're full of cows and I can't run through them, they lose some of their magic, y'know?
Plus all I could think of was Dori. We were only about 3 hours driving time away from her, and it was all I could think of.
I'm so confused. I still care for her deeply, unconditionally, but I don't know what I feel for anyone anymore. It hurts more than I can possibly say.
Oh-- there was actually one other thing. We visited a model train layout. I know, I know, I'm not a fan of such things, but I never really understood why until I visited that one in the rather painful mood I was in. Of course, there's the issue of spending such extravagant amounts of money on bits of electronic metal and foam, but the real killer is why they do it... or at least my perception of why.
They create an entire fantasy world. That's it. Those huge setups, with their random plastic houses and people eternally 'living' the same moments as toy trains whiz aimlessly by... they're just fantasy worlds. Useless ones. What good is that doing for anyone? Sure, it'll entertain some random passerby for a few minutes as they wander by, but it ultimately achieves no greater good.
It just bugs me to no end when people create things with no 'real' purpose to them. Yeah, I know some people do it for a hobby, but why? I just don't get it. Oh well.
Back on topic.
We woke up at 6AM on Tuesday, and drove to Dubuque Iowa to catch a bus.

All right, this experience was so stressful it needs a paragraph break. Here we go.
So we wait at the terminal from 9AM to 12PM, and in the meantime I get a phone call from my dad saying that the U had rejected my application because my GPA was below 2.0. Well, my jaw hit the floor. There was no way in heaven it could be that low-- so I called my home campus. Well, you remember the winter semester of 2009 when I had those repeated mental breakdowns and had to drop out of classes? Apparently that still counted towards my academic record, and so now I'm screwed! The only thing I can do now is speak to the U's offices in person and see if they can make an exception for me, considering my psychological issues... but we'll get back to that point later. Needless to say, that news upset me horribly, and so I was in a pretty agonized mood until about 5PM, when we got off at a connecting terminal in Des Moines, Idaho.
That's where our title comes from. We basically hung out there for the next 6 hours, as I fixed my iPod's library (his name is Razia btw) and read The First Horseman until our bus to Denver showed up around 11PM. Unfortunately, the bus terminal announced it as Omaha instead, and so we weren't aware it was even ours until we went out to confusedly double-check-- and were told that yeah, it WAS our bus, but there was no seating left. So we and a small crowd of fellow passengers were left at the terminal waiting for a replacement bus that wasn't even guaranteed to show up.
Then the terminal decided to close.
Yes, you heard me. Our bus group, as well as a bunch of people waiting for a 1AM pickup, were thrown out on the curb around 12AM and told to wait there as the workers assumedly went home. This wouldn't have been a huge problem if we had been guaranteed a bus arrival, if it hadn't been 12AM, AND if it hadn't been thunderstorming-- with a tornado warning, no less.
You guessed it: panic attack! I got to the point where I was shaking uncontrollably and couldn't breathe correctly, all the while getting soaked and wishing I were back in PA, where I at least had a home to go to.
That's when I was forced to really look at my situation.
There I was: a phantom Sandman, shaking like a madman in a plastic chair on a Des Moines sidewalk, buffeted by moths, rain and wind, and completely unaware of where the next bus would be taking me. Not a very pretty situation. I immediately asked myself why the heck I was even on a cruddy sidewalk in Idaho, and the only answer I had was "because I'm supposed to go to Utah."
That sentence sounded so incredibly stupid at 1AM I wanted to cry. So I was basically ostracizing myself because I was supposed to? Says who?
Then I looked to my right to see a boy in red and a girl in black, and my head slumped down onto my chest. Oh.
See, my problem is my devotion, as undetectable as it is. I'm incredibly devoted to my family, but I still care about these two kids... so being forced to choose is more than I can handle.
The only major warning sign is that said kids insist that I "must" stay here in Utah. No exceptions.

I'm currently sitting in Q's living room, 8:23PM, listening to Eminem, wondering where I'm going to sleep, and feeling more lonely than I have ever been in my life.

I really don't care whether or not I'm "supposed" to be here anymore.
The truth is, I'm being used as a crutch here. I'm not sure how, as I don't understand their motives, but I can feel it. No matter what they tell me, I still feel like a third wheel and I keep looking out the window and wishing I were on the planes that fly overhead.
I don't know how much longer my grandparents will live. My brothers are growing up without me. My past is fading away. Yeah, I want to live a meaningful future, but geez-- if I'm stuck here in this mountain state holding up two lovebirds who apparently can't function without romance, then I'm not going to have one anyway.
I really, really want to go back home. I want to see my family again. I just... I guess I took them for granted. It wasn't until I was dragged out here that I realized how much they mean to me, even if I don't spend much time at the house, even if I don't feel safe within the walls. It's still my freaking home. It's still my family out there.
When I walked out the door on Saturday, I saw my grandfather cry for the first time in the 20 years I've been on this earth. That hurt more than you know.

When I go back to PA, I'm going to land a job at Borders, spend a huge amount of time working on my personal projects, and do everything humanly possible to fix my academic record and get back into the educational system. I want to make progress. Heck, I want to make MUSIC. I want to reach out and change peoples lives, and I want to have a life ahead of me... I'm sick and tired of sitting on buses and couches waiting to be given the next orders from my charge.

Still, I feel so horribly selfish, and that's what makes everything so difficult here.
Leaving Q and Mel will be 'betraying' them, as they do insist I stay no matter what. However, staying here will be leaving my family behind, who misses me terribly and who frankly needs me around.
I feel like a really confused guardian angel right now. The kids across the room apparently need me to watch over them, but... I don't know. It doesn't feel right at all.
God, what do I do, huh?
I'll try to stay here for at least a week... maybe two... see what I can do. I just feel so lonely and torn up right now.

Oh well. This too shall pass, I'm the only one who can live my life, and despite my being pulled in so many different directions, my vision is clearing up for the first time.
I just need to take a deep breath, check my head and heart, and step onto the next road.
Hesitation isn't doing me any good. Life is full of chances and choices, and unless I find the guts to stand up for my personal Light, I'm going to die here.
I refuse to just fade away. I refuse to just rot here. I refuse to compromise anymore.
Time to set this in motion.

Relax, I ain't goin back to that now
All I'm tryin to say is get back, click-clack, blaow
Cause I ain't playin around
It's a game called circle and I don't know how, I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryin to figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't, this fckin black cloud
still follows me around but it's time to exorcise these demons
These muh'fckers are doing jumpin jacks now!

I'm not afraid
To take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just lettin you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now!

FCK YOU. FCK YOU AND YOUR HEDONISTIC SHIT. THERE'S NO MOTIVE FOR ANY OF THIS.
YOU WANT TO BE SICK? GOOD; GUESS WHO'S THROWING UP EVERY THREE MINUTES? YOU'RE FCKING UP MY LIFE AND I AM SICK AND TIRED OF IT.
GET YOUR SELF-PITYING ASS OUT OF THAT HOUSE AND GET YOUR FCKING MESS OF A LIFE BACK IN ORDER. I'M SICK OF THIS SHIT. I'M SICK OF IT.

I am running on pure self-hatred, panic, desperation and utter SICKNESS right now.
It's scaring the hell out of me but, hey, it's my OWN DAMN FAULT.

DEAJSTYKUFJSCMNBAAFHS,KJFCMN,ADJNSXENMCJXJNCVMVX >Z?MX B,C>??

"Oh you're such a lovely person!" LOOK AT ME NOW.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?????
WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME?????
I CAN'T BE STUCK LIKE THIS;;;; NO
NO
CAN'T

fcking therapists don't do a damn thing they don't do a DAMN THING
I DON'T GIVE A FCK ABOUT THOSE PILLS
SEE WHAT THEY DID TO ME??? DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID
I CAN'T EVEN FCKING WALK.
I CAN'T SPEAK, I CAN'T SEE, I CAN'T TELL WHERE THE FCK I AM
AND YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP.
WELL SHIT, CONGRATULATIONS, I'M NO LONGER DEPRESSED, I'M FCKING SCREWED.

There's not even a word for this.
Suicide + mania + rage + panic + toxicity + PANIC + RAGE + SELF-LOATHING.
Just double up on every damn thing right about now.

NO, I'M NOT GOING TO FCKING SLEEP
YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME
SCREW YOU. SCREW YOU, YOU JUST WANT AN ESCAPE.
WELL TOUGH SHIT. YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF, NOW YOU SUFFER.

where is my sense of time?
i have no depth perception
fcking hedonism
fcking lack of self-control

wish I could just shoot back some fcking hallucinogens and get DAMN SICK
then I won't be looking to do this to myself EVERY FCKING DAY.

God help me.
GOD HELP ME.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FCK MY NAME IS.

now if you'll excuse me for a moment, I think I'm about to throw up again.

It's a lie to even look at them.

I woke up at around 7 this morning, I think... got myself ready for Sunday services and seeing the MoTab... didn't speak a word on the way up. Too much on my mind, or nothing at all. I don't remember. I can only remember looking out at the mountains, and thinking how unreal everything felt.
Seeing the Tabernacle Choir was a beautiful disappointment. I'm addicted to heart-wrenching music, and the only transcendental chords were hidden in the first piece. So I sat and waited, listening to the instruments like a maniac listening to the wing flutters of a dying moth, voicelessly searching for that sound. It never came.
That took a heavy toll on me for some reason, and I spent the next 20 minutes trying to channel crystal wings before hopelessly realizing that the reflection I walked by didn't match me at all.
Sunday services were the same. There was too much talk, too many tears that I couldn't understand, too many strange bothers and too little pain. I need pain... I need contrition to feel any sort of ethereal life. That's why I like the structured mass I grew up with... it's always just slightly different enough to keep you thinking about every little word and chord and ritual, but it's similar enough to the past that my mind tends to dive deep as I sit there in those red pews. I like being in my typical church because the silence and the solemnity give me something gorgeous to hold on to. I'm supposed to be there, I want to be there, but whenever there's an interim I can just let go and see where God takes me. I couldn't find that today.

I had a priestly blessing given to me last night... it was almost cruelly sad, because every word God gave to me was a quietly loving repetition of the truths I already knew so well, so beautifully well, but was too lost and blind to realize. I've been blessed so much, ever since my childhood; those blessings are the only reason I'm alive right now. I've changed lives, I've been given an inner sight many can't even imagine, I've been given Peace herself as a lifelong muse. I've been given four angels to protect and guide me...
Trials are necessary. I know this. I've been suffering all my life, and somehow the entire time I knew that they would be beneficial in the end. Those traumatic childhood memories, those sleepless high school nights stained red with JTHM and self-sacrifice... all of them have contributed to the best parts of me right now.
That poses my problem.

Positivity does not fit with me.
"God wants me to be happy," they tell me, and I know it's true. However the sort of true happiness He's been giving me so far isn't the sunshine and flowers sort so many people think of.
Let me go off on a tangent...
I've never liked 'fun.' You know... amusement parks, recreational activities, board games, stuff like that. I had them all as a kid, but they never really worked out. I'd go to the amusement parks to ride the airborne rides, pretending I was flying along with the Jewel Monsters, but in time I lost my trust of those machines and realized the time they were stealing from me. Board games were only fun to me if I could turn them into my own creation, so to speak. I enjoyed 'Life' because I could write a theoretical future with it. I liked the mystery games because I could think about the characters and their roles. My favorite game, though, was about a unicorn and some princesses... I basically rewrote the entire plot in my head. I enjoyed creation and significance, not moving plastic pieces across a slab of cardboard for two hours. I'd go to fairs and picnics and family trips, but rarely enjoyed them and always looked forward to going home. In time I developed a crippling fear of their atmosphere... the smell of fries and funnel cakes, the loud brass music, the yellow and white lights strung overhead, the crowds of people. Even the slightest hint of that now is enough to send me spiraling into a panic. It's a carnival of senseless hedonism to me. Food, drink, and 'fun.' Screw that; I have work to do.
So I look for positive negativity, so to speak. I look for minor keys and left-eye teardrops and lonely nights and broken chandeliers. I seek out the silent streetlights and outcast souls and the empty streets drenched by rain. Those are the only things that feel real to me, and I've never really been able to explain it.

I had to borrow Mel's clothes for services this morning. Pinstripe pants and a black/white dress top. It was okay until I got about 2/3 through the Sunday service... that's when that awfully sick perception shift happened; that utterly displacing thought that I looked like a woman.
Naturally I began to freak out. As soon as I walked in Q's door I was milliseconds away from tearing the thing off and throwing on a suit, no kidding. That then led me into a train of thought that I really need to discuss, and eventually settle.
I'm sitting here in a pair of black jeans, a white Dichotomy top and a grey overjacket from the mens' section in Kohls. I mussed up my hair before the mirror so it spiked up just enough, grabbed each side of my lapel, and was for a moment comfortable with the face in the mirror. If I weren't so freaking numb lately I think I would've cried or something.
I just... I don't fit. I've never fit this face, this body, this vessel. Yeah, I need to use it as a conduit, but geez... can't I change it up a bit so I stop having breakdowns every time I walk past a mirror?
I think that's the most painful feeling in the entire world for me right now... the acutely agonizing awareness that my 'body' is not mine, that no matter where I go I will not find home, because the bones I am bound to are the wrong sort... that for now, for the length of this terrible trial, I am lost, trapped in a 5'8'' prison that tears me apart every waking moment.

Going back to our opening sentence, that's what's been going on. I don't have the nerve, the will, the right or the want to even look at Q or Mel right now. I mean, come on, these eyes feel stolen. It's a horrible feeling, you know; that no matter how genuine my soul strives to be, I will always be false, for the immediate impression I give to the world is a complete falsehood, a black lie.
I'm also still stupidly numb. Yes, yes I know I thought I was getting over it... and maybe I am; I don't know. I just can't feel anything other than this desperate, manic need to escape. And they're making it worse.
Laurie's doing okay. She's actually going back to the positive state she was in earlier this month, which makes me smile. I missed her a lot.
Too bad I can't do the same, I guess. There's that dull ache in the center of my chest again, which is completely bizarre because it's not even a physical sensation as far as I can tell. Fun fact; if you ask me if I hurt anywhere, I will most likely answer "yes" even if there's not the slightest twinge of a nerve in my body. There's just this chronic, invisible pain within me at all times, and it's impossible to describe because it requires a whole new sense to accommodate it. I'm only getting echoes of it, which is good I guess, because I think that if I took on everything I'm dimly percieving I might just die from the pain.
It's making everything really strange, too... no, I can't actively feel anything, but I can still emote, if that makes sense. I'm worried how Q and Mel are perceiving all this, but my numbness makes it feel almost 'painted on,' because there's no tangible proof of it. It's there though... well, at least I hope to God it is.

I really, really want to be a guy. I can't explain why and the mere thought of it makes me worry (probably because of the prejudice I'll face), but I still wish I were Jayce.
Why did I not realize this back when I was 12, 13, when the girls in my class showed me a magazine full of male models and asked me if I 'thought they were hot?' And all I could think of, all I could ever think of, was "I want to look like that." I wanted that so badly. I never realized what that meant. I never gave it a second thought...
Right now, I need the small changes most of all... the voice switch, the body shape change, the beard (oh man why do I want one so much), the different face and hands and impression. What I'm scared of is the 'mental change;' the thing most trans men I've seen talk about, the fear that the testosterone will somehow overwrite a vital part of my personality, especially the stereotypically 'feminine' parts like my deep-rooted compassion and empathetic needs. I don't want to shoot myself up and suddenly slide over to a stereotypical male mindset. I want to look the part just well enough, but I want to be whoever the heck I want. If I want to seriously screw around with the gender perception of everyone who sees me then so be it.
I just want to be comfortable in my own shell for once in my life. I want to look in the mirror and smile because it fits, not because I'm treating that glassy countenance as a separate individual. That's how Natalie was born and died, you know...
Also, weird realization. You know how I like andro girls and that's it? Well, I think that if I became Jayce, my focus would suddenly switch to andro guys. Heck, 4 out of 5 people would probably think I was gay the moment they saw me. Ridiculous stereotypes... but anyway, what causes such a strange homoromantic tendency with me is my severe asexual/genophobic drive. Compatibility in the 'typical' (ech) aspect can only be achieved through two members of opposite sexes. I loathe that sort of 'compatibility' more than I can say, so I think I'm unconsciously leaning the other way.
Right now, I am looking for a girlfriend for that reason. Sadly, though, I need a near-clone of me more than anything. I seem to have developed my personality output to match what I need from other people, so if I could find someone who was outwardly incredibly similar to the real me (nice, compassionate, open-minded and creative, but also punky, explorative, eccentric and a total butch), I'd be incredibly happy. I just don't know where to look, haha. I should totally take out a personal ad... "google 'spinningcannon,' ladies(?), and if you identify strongly with that individual, give me a call." Panromanticism is a major plus, haha.
Back on track, though... since becoming Jayce would make me a man (although not physically; God willing I won't have anything at all down there), hanging around with the ladies (no matter how cute they are) would make me terribly nervous, I think. Even visualizing it makes me panicky. Why? It's simple... girl + guy = downstairs junk that I DO NOT WANT. So unless I hook up with a lesbian or a dude I'm in trouble, haha. Seriously, I'd have no problem with a gay guy as long as he wasn't... well, promiscuous. Heck, I can't stand promiscuity in anyone. I just really, really like gay dudes. It's probably just because I don't like the binary or gender stereotypes at all. I'm currently pretty darn butch so there you go.

Lastly... should I change my name?
I loathe my given name; oh man, you have no freaking idea how much I detest it. I just can't decide what to change it to.
My 'true' name, Jewel W. E. Lightraye, would fit perfectly BUT once I went 'male,' I'd hit a roadblock. I still call myself 'Jayce Lytraile' (clever clever) whenever I refer to my 'future' white-haired self, but still have the mental incident here and there where people refer to me as 'Jewel' and I'm fine with it. Huh.
I just... switching legally to Jewel while still trapped in this physical hellhole would feel horribly, horribly wrong. Yeah, I'm me, but this bag of bones isn't. I'm going to need to give it a total remodeling (and maybe a custom paint job) before I can go around switching up names to fit it.
Could I get two names somehow? Haha, that would be genius. I think I'd really like that.
...Maybe Jayce would work, actually. Think about it: Jayce is the name for my physical self, and Jewel is the name for my soul. It's still me. I think I'll do that-- as soon as I decide on my two new middle names, haha!

Well, Apollo only has 50 minutes left on his battery and I left his plug at Mel's house, so I suppose I should close up for now... maybe hand this entry over to Q and Mel so they can have a bit of an idea as to what's going on with me. I don't know. It's starting to make me horribly sick, thinking of them reading this and likely treating it like they would a newspaper. Just something 'fun' to read...
...See, there we go again. I've been mentally picturing myself as Jayce this whole time, and now that I'm trying to pull myself out of 'digital reality' and back into the 3D perception of this living room, I'm getting that sickening knowledge that my trial isn't over yet and I still have to suffer this current body a while longer. God, give me strength. I trust you, and I know you know what you're doing, but... please, help me out.

Trial is necessary. Tears are vital. Suffering is needed. Pain is indispensible.
My life has been written in minor keys, in chords that make you catch your breath because they sting so sharply; their sorrowful beauty strikes your very heart.
If the sky didn't cry, there'd be no rainbows and waterfalls... it's the truth, you know.
Oh man, there we go... tiny bit of heartbreak right there. Thank you Jeff Kessel.

25 minutes left on Apollo; 3:21PM. I feel like going to sleep and doing some overtime... that or dreaming with my eyes open. I just need a strangely beautiful escape.

I'm going to try to purify my heart again, to make myself as white as I once was.
One day I'll dye my hair to match.

When I was a little boy
I didn't know what was right or wrong
I had to change my way of life
But I just couldn't win the fight
I'd let myself float off in time and hide

Another day
Another night
I lived off dreams
I thought was right
I couldn't stand being treated like
I was the only one without rights
Stood there screaming out your voice
And cried

The way you loved me
Is not always what we call love
Waiting now, beautiful pain

In the dirt and in my soil
They said they planted seeds of joy
I was unholy, born in sin
So they fed me words of lead within
Then I looked down on myself in shame
Left with the blame

The way you loved me
Is not always what we call love
Waiting now, beautiful pain

Mother, father listen up
I know these times were kind of rough
We waited for the leaders hand to guide our lives
It's kind of sad
And you just did what you thought was right
And cried

In short, Laurie lost it.
I was subjected to 40+ solid minutes of physical/mental torture, which had no discernible motive other than inducing crushing guilt and self-deprecating thoughts for the sake of "punishment."
The most terrifying part wasn't the pain in itself... it was her absolute refusal to stop, negotiate, or even explain herself. Not only that, but Chaos tried to intervene on my part, and she attacked him so severely and abruptly that he actually bled. Needless to say I was in a total panic by now.
...After Q showed up and therefore rendered her incapacitated (at least temporarily), Chaos, Marik, Bakura, & I tried to figure out what had happened. We couldn't.

For the first time in my 4 years of knowing her, Laurie had visibly unwound... unhinged, even. I think she might've even been blind; she didn't seem able to comprehend ANYTHING, let alone those around her. She insisted everything we spoke was a lie and was apparently focused (albeit in a very frantic manner) on the senseless mania that was dictating her actions.

I don't know if she slept or not. I was, understandably, afraid to sleep, as she had been severely hacking my 'dreams' when I tried to escape the night before.
I'm worried sick. If my own superego is going through this, what's going to happen to the rest of us?

...Should I try to talk to her alone? I'm scared of another attack but maybe I'll just have to risk it for her sake.
I do NOT want anyone else near her when she's this unstable anyway. Considering how mindlessly vicious she was last night, I refuse to take any chances concerning the well-being/ safety of others.
I just don't know what to do.

Julie's been hacking him too.

I called Laurie, Chaos Zero and Selph over today to talk to them... Julie's been trying to get me recently, but I've been fighting her off well so she's trying to get my dreams again (I can't stand when she does that; dreams are one of my only escapes).
Anyway, if you didn't know, Julie sometimes pretends to be Chaos Zero or Jena or someone just to screw with me. I know it's not really them, but it messes with my head so badly that I can never feel 100% sure. So, I asked them today if they would ever act like she did in their places. Selph said no and Chaos nearly flipped out, but Laurie seemed shocked that I had called her over for that question, as Julie's too terrified of her to touch her. I said that Julie had tried to be her once (she had) but had immediately switched to Chaos Zero because, if Laurie ever found out, she'd be furious. Well, ironically enough, I just told Laurie of the failed attempt, and she was indeed furious-- so she pulled out her axe and ran downstairs to give Julie a piece of her mind, so to speak. Chaos didn't want her to start trouble so early in the morning, but I told him that the more time Julie was 'out of action' the better.
Anyway, we started talking about the previous subject again, and... I don't know what I said exactly, but Selph let it slip that Julie's been getting him too.
For about two freaking years now.

I'm in shock. I really am.
Chaos was seriously disturbed by the idea as well, and we both began to ask him 'how long?' 'how badly?' 'why didn't you say anything sooner?' Things like that... turns out Selph was too shaken by the idea to say anything, and besides he didn't want to burden me with another serious worry.
Geez... I'll tell you what, though, suddenly everything makes sense. He admitted that was the real reason he was so uncharacteristically furious when he found out Julie was getting me too (I didn't say anything either); he knew what her attacks were like and it was pretty heartbreaking to know his dreamer was suffering that too. Well, looks like now the situation is reversed...
That also explains his several-day disappearances with no explanation. He says he goes to talk with his father, and I don't doubt that, but I think he really goes for the parental comfort, you know. I'm glad he has that, but man... we love him too, and it hurts to know he's been staying quiet.
I don't blame him, of course, and I'm not mad at him, but it hurts to know he's hurting.
Anyway, Laurie came back upstairs around that time, but as soon as she got wind of the Selph situation, she got out that circular saw of hers and went back down without another word. She scares me sometimes, but I really love her. She just has a weird way of returning the compassion.

Chaos confronted me about it later and asked me if I was okay. I said no, and to my surprise he said he hoped I would say so-- after all, if I wasn't worrying, that would be pretty unusual of me, to say the very least.
Anyway, we're both terribly worried about him... I'm so, so thankful that I have work today as a result, because Selph sits on the computer monitor and I get to talk to him whenever there's a break in customers. We'll need some one-on-one talking time, even if it's only here and there.

Man... I'm just so shaken and heartbroken now.
The only thing I can do is fight harder, because if I lose then we all lose...
I don't know what else to do.
I don't know what else to do.

So close
You're wasted again
I know, somehow.
I lost myself again

Making me high again
I almost forgot myself again
It hits me so hard
It kills me again
Today

So close
Yet you're wasted again
I know, somehow
We'll find ourselves
I don't know, I don't know

Then we'll be high again
I almost forgot myself there
It hits you so hard
And kills again

I almost forgot myself again
I almost forgot myself there
It's hitting me hard
It moves me again

Again...

100% chaotic sky out there right now.
Pretty awesome, considering that I got Sonic X Issue #29 in the mail today and oh man I finally love Perfect just as much.
I'm SERIOUS.
Now I know that, ever since 210 "hacked" him, Perfect has been almost autonomous... but God help me, he's still Chaos. I can't hate him even in that monstrous form; I couldn't ever hate him, even if I tried.
But really... everything outside is blue... and to top it all off, it's raining.
I hope he knows how much I love him.

I have a very emotional journal to write here.
You know who it's about.

...

I never thought it was possible to fall in love with someone for a second time, and fall even deeper than you had ever before, but last night that's exactly what happened to me.
Of course, knowing my sadly mangled little mind, there's a lot that built up to that.

It started on Sunday night when I was randomly listening to my iTunes playlist, and my Genius software suddenly threw a recommendation at me for a band named "FROST*." I decided to listen to the preview, and I was immediately intrigued. Looking them up on the store's search engine, I listened to the rest of their album previews and knew that I had to buy them, no questions. I don't mean that in a materialistic way-- I mean that in the sense that their music is incomparably gorgeous. I love every single track on both their albums, and that's never happened to me with any other band.
So I bought the albums yesterday afternoon... and here's the killer.
It started raining outside.
Now, if you've been watching my latest dA favespams or have been seeing me in person for the past few days, then you're probably well aware that I am in the most severe Chaos Zero hype I've had in years.
Take that fact and add in some rainy weather, and I'm absolutely euphoric on any given day... but throw in FROST*'s music, and then some crazy stuff starts happening.
My theoretical Links started kicking in.

Here's some Spinny jargon clarification for you readers: A "Link" is a term I use for any sort of strong mental/ spiritual/ emotional/ what have you connection between me and someone I know well. When applied to soulbonds and other 'worlds' like those of Halcyon and the Hokthai, Links allow me to limitedly see what's going on there-- which is how I write their storylines, haha.
A "theoretical Link," though... that's what the normal person would call a 'daydream.' They work with the same people I'm normally Linked with, but those situations aren't what I consider 'canon' or 'reality' in whatever sense. I can tell when a Link is theoretical because I can freely mess around with what's going on... and the situations are typically extremely twisted.
Yes, you heard me. Theoretical Links are what I wrote "Dream World's End" with, and by any reason you know what that is, then you get the idea.
If you're still confused, let me finally explain what sort of freakish imagining hit my mind around 10:30PM last night, to the music of Milliontown.

Station Square all over again.
That scenario has happened before in my 'non-canon' group Link scenarios (the ones with my 4 and I), but there was one time when I was forced to pull a near-suicide move to get him back to normal-- I morphed Cherubell and flew into Perfect Chaos, then immediately threw off the most intense energy attack I possibly could. It worked that time, but seeing how severe the results were anyway...
...Last night, I wondered what would have happened if I died.

...

...(continue this later, kid.)

(I'm leaving this public because, despite being unfinished, it's incredibly important to me.)

I have a confession to make.

I’m in love with a girl.

You probably already know who I’m talking about… the girl with ‘eyes like the city rain’… the girl I’ve only known through photographs.

I am absolutely, hopelessly in love.

This may be slightly disjointed or inaccurate (plus I can't remember the beginning of the dream at all right now-- this all happened near the end of it), but it was absolutely amazing so I want to write it down.

I remember walking up a small, enclosed stairwell somewhere, with a man who was dressed in some sort of red and gold pajama outfit + nightcap. He was acting extremely optimistic and upbeat, and led me up the stairwell to a landing with a door. Walking out the door, we ended up exiting the basement door of my old elementary school. It was around 7PM in the afternoon, when twilight had just begun to fall.
Interestingly enough, he ran out to the middle of the school playground and jumped into the air. Once he was about 20 feet up, he just hovered there. Suddenly, he began moving his arms in a sweeping motion around him, and every time he did, night would fall in the direction he indicated. It was like he was 'painting' the scenery with nighttime. Next, though, he began to repeat the same arm motions, but instead of night, a swirling gold glitter of some sort floated over the nearby houses and seemed to fade into the air (it was actually dream dust, but I didn't realize this until later).
Once he finished, he landed and walked back over to me. I asked him how and why he did that, and he said "In this world, I am known as both Mister Night and Mister Sandman." He then said he was going to teach me, and led me back over to the playground.
It was right here that I was no longer me-- I was Justice (the Jewel Monster), and was seeing everything from his POV. Sandman told me to jump up like he had, so I did-- but I jumped up about 60 feet instead. I was enjoying the view when I realized that there were kids inside the school building nearby, watching us curiously. Sandman did too, and said that I was going to be doing his job for him tonight (Apparently, in his world, he is not only well-known, but he is very popular and everyone looks forward to nighttime because of him). I then began to introduce myself, saying that my name was Justice and I was a Jewel Monster from THE Dream World (I seriously put emphasis on "the"-- because 'The Dream World' isn't a literal 'dreamworld,' it's an entire autonomous dimension). I then added that some of the kids there might have seen me before, or that they might have seen some other Jewel Monsters in dreams. I then named Preludove, Azurai, and Rosaka, and I think one other person, but the kids just seemed very confused so I stopped (apparently, I am indeed the only kid to have ever dreamed of them, haha). It was then that I said I'd get to work, and began 'painting' the scenery with night. It was incredibly fun, as it worked exactly as Sandman had demonstrated. I stopped halfway through, though, as I realized that everyone was mostly still awake, and I didn't want to put them all to sleep yet as it was quite early. So I stopped, leaving the world in a state of sunset twilight (which was very pretty). I then landed, and realized that some of the children from inside the school were coming out to talk to Sandman and me.

One of the kids knelt down on the pavement and began to scribble something on the ground with her fingers. I realized that she had some sort of finger paint with her, so I asked if I could use some and she said yes. I then took some of the red-brown paint and began to literally paint 'my' face on the pavement (Justice's face, technically). Surprisingly, it was a very close likeness for a dream (usually they say dream images were skewed, but everything here was incredibly accurate so far). I was painting the star on my forehead when someone called me from the top of the playground, so I got up and walked up there (I was now my normal self, not Justice). A girl was sitting there with several boxes of marshmallow Peeps, and immediately began ranting 'where do they get the nerve to do this' or something. I asked what she was talking about, and she explained that there was a rival 'Peeps' company who was making different animals out of the marshmallow, and she vehemently thought they should stop, as they were taking away from the appeal of the original by making it more 'commercial' or something. She said it just didn't feel right, and held up a box of the 'bogus' marshmallows to show me. Inside was a set of dark blue marshmallow bears, and a set of white marshmallow swans. I thought they looked pretty interesting (and were very well made), but the girl insisted 'see? It just doesn't feel right.' She then asked if I wanted one, and I pointed to a box of marshmallow doves beside her (they had little feathers and everything) and said 'those look pretty cool." The girl seemed highly offended at this, though, and instead shoved three normal blue marshmallow Peeps into my hand. I turned to leave, but some nearby kid grabbed one of them from me, squashed it, and gave it back. I found this very odd, so I turned back to the girl and offered her a chocolate I suddenly had, asking if I could trade that for a replacement Peep, as I planned to give them to my brothers (I can't eat sugar). She gave me a look, when suddenly her gaze turned to the sky. I turned back around as well, and noticed that there was a large red number display in the sky, counting down the time from about 6:37:40 (hours, minutes, seconds), which was the current time. Above the numbers, it said something like 'it's almost time to go to sleep!' or something, and I figured this was Sandman's doing, as everyone was still outside so he couldn't bring nighttime yet (as I had stopped for the same reason). I began to wonder where I should go, then, when the scene suddenly switched.

Now I was in a car, driving down the road from my house around the same time of day. The sign was still in the sky as far as I remember. However, once I got to the bridge connecting my road to the nearby town, I couldn't go any further as there were several cars blocking the road. I wondered what was going on, when I noticed that they were trying to 'capture' a large DBZ-style monkey (complete with Super Saiyan hair) that was trying to climb up a small mountain nearby (where a side road would have been in reality). I watched them for a minute or so before deciding they weren't going to move, so I drove around them. The road was now entirely different, though-- there was no bridge, only a winding road and an embankment up to my left. There were now several cars ahead of me. The one directly in front of me had a sort of display on top of it, showing several immodestly dressed women and (I think) one man. It looked like a carnival sign, though, and i wondered what the heck it was. Suddenly, the car turned up a side road and drove up to the top of the embankment, where a large whorehouse was situated. I stared at it for a second, wondering how the heck anyone could work for such a place, and then I began to wonder why the heck I was still there so I turned to leave. However, I left my car parked on the hill and walked down to a small 'farmers market'-like area nearby. I had barely begun to approach it when a woman looking at hanging rugs turned to me and began to talk in Spanish. A nearby man explained 'no habla Espanol,' and she repeated that back to him in a surprised (almost incredulous) manner. I embarrassedly repeated the explanation, before adding in English, "but one day I will," as I planned to learn the language for communication reasons. I then started to walk back towards my car but I couldn't find it.
I think it was right here that I woke up, actually-- and I woke up only about 30 minutes ago.

I intend to write Mr. Sandman into the same story I wrote Nicodemus into...

...How is it... how is it so simple?
How did I not see it before?

Have I won the war?
Have I lost the war?
Have I started another war?

I don't know... but I've found something regardless... something insane.

The reason why Julie keeps trying to destroy me... the reason why Laurie always abuses me... the reason why I never sleep much and always eat what makes me deathly sick and always seem to purposely put myself in stressful situations... it's all the same.

The reason is always the same.

I've finally found the answer... through a long, humiliating, horrible battle with Julie, I've finally found the answer.

What I really want... what my body seems to be looking for... is suffering.

Z?
Z? Z?
Z? Z? Z?
Z? Z? Z? Z?
Z? Z? Z? Z? Z?
Z? Z? Z? Z? Z? Z?
Z? Z? Z? Z? Z? Z? Z? Z?

12AM1AM2AM3AM4AMWHY

noname
   noname
       noname
WEHAVENONAME.

and I ask
myself again

         WHERE
                DID
                    MY
                     DREAMS
                            GO?

Mr Samsa
I'm afraid I must
KILL YOU AGAIN

"Why are you leaving?
     You can't just leave."

     All of a sudden
It struck me
Just how selfish those words sounded.

WATCH
   WHAT
YOURE
SAYING
TYPING
THINKING
   IDIOT

Like I was staying here for your sake.
Like you're the only reason I'm even here.
Like you're something I can't afford to lose.

Don't be silly.

I'm so sick of this
        every day
          every night
    you say the same thing
   the same DAMN THING

a DELUDED LIE

   can't you just leave me
THINK
with chaos like the old days?

"I love you"
"stay with me forever"
"MARRY ME!"

WHAT THE HELL
(is going on)

You say it to who you THINK
   is J.W.L.
but you've never
   AM I? known me.
DEARGODWHOAMI?        (AND NEITHER
                                                                    HAVE I.)

Do you
          remember
Wobbly
Headed
BOB?

maybe not
MAYBE YES?
mAyBE SO

LEAVEMEALONEPLEASE!

PLEASESTOPSAYINGITSTOPREPEATINGTHESELIESSTOPTRYINGTOMAKEMEDESTROYMYSELFAGAIN!

IlostmymindlastweekenddoyourememberLaurie
wasangrywithmeagaindamnJulieandheraddiction
butItooktherazorandIslicedmylegopenandI
hadbloodonmyhandsdearGodIhadbloodonmyhandsI
feltlikeLadyMacbethIfeltlikeJohnnyCIwascrying
IcouldntstopIwashyperventilatingeverythingwasred
andIknewthatsomevitalpartofmehadbrokenand
Iwasnevergoingbackandhereyouareyouhavethe
nervetoactlikeeverythingisallflowersand
fairytaleswellIhatetoburstyourbubblesonbut
unfortunatelyIvebecomeamadmansinceImetyou

I have two words to say about all this.

F*cking HELL.

Do you have ANY IDEA how hard Laurie and I
are trying to fight this sort of thing?

(I'm getting sick every time I even think of art now)

Julie doesn't die easily!
And here you are
throwing THIS at us
on top of it all.

Shit.
Just because I can't stand men
doesn't mean I like women
SERIOUSLY.
I can't stand ANY of it.

I swear,
you make me draw ONE MORE MODEL
I am going to SNAP
and that won't end well.

DAMN IT, JULIE, WHY WON'T YOU DIE??

Mom won't let me
cut my hair
like Johnny
because she says that
everyone will think that
I'm a lesbian.

Well I SWEAR
the FIRST person
to call me a lesbian
is getting MY FIST
in their f*cking FACE

...well maybe not.
I couldn't hit anybody.

BUT I'LL HIT ME
DAMN STRAIGHT I'LL HIT ME
I'LL HIT ME UNTIL I BLEED

I really wish that I could fall asleep
and get lost in my head
not wake up for a long time.
(go somewhere better)

Z?
THE ETERNAL QUESTION!

Sure I like dreams
but seriously
BIOLOGY SUCKS
and humanity
makes me sick
(sometimes)
quite often

IT'S NOT A VERY NICE
FEELING
(LOSING YOUR MIND)
YOU KNOW?

It always seems to happen
when you get BLOOD
on your hands.

human blood.
your own blood.

something
SNAPS
and then that's it.

that's how Devi went
that's how I went

the screws
have come
undone

YOU CAN'T STOP IT.

So yeah.
I lost my mind
(for good)
two weeks ago
and I have had ENOUGH of this idiocy

(this is ART not PORNOGRAPHY)
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU

shit here she comes again.
I can't take two more hours of this.

our father
who art in heaven
hallowed be thy name
may your kingdom come
and your will be done
in all worlds
as it is in heaven
give us this day
our daily bread
and forgive us our sins
as we forgive those
who sin against us
but then what do I do
if I can forgive all of them
but find it so hard
to forgive myself?
I should be better
so why the hell am I worse?
and lead us not
into temptation
(especially the ones
our headvoices
put into our heads
whether we want them or not)
and deliver us
from evil
in all its forms
especially
ourselves.

amen

I had a counselling appointment this morning.

I managed to keep a lot secret.

I didn't mention Selph. I didn't mention Chaos Zero. I didn't mention Vezerai.

But I told her about Laurie.

I am scared to death.
Dear Lord, I don't want her to die.
Psychologists always treat headvoices like they're a problem if they're formed from something negative-- like self-abuse-- but I need Laurie. I need her desperately. She knows that, I know that.
No one else does.

And now I might lose her.

I feel like such a heartless bastard.

We figured out that Julie is most likely a "waste-lock." You know, like Johnny C.? We theorized that she actually acts as a sort of living container for all this vice and anger and animosity and all that, but what we're really worried about is what would happen if she died.
I don't want that vice becoming part of me, and I don't want it becoming part of Laurie.
Laurie said that I might be able to annihilate all that negativity if Julie ever was murdered, but the problem is I don't know how I'd do that, let alone if.
All humans have a shadow, unfortunately. I was just lucky enough to be able to give mine a face and hide her away the best I can.
If this psychologist wants to kill her, I might lose who I am.
Julie's been in my head since I was eight years old, damn it! Tell me, when did I realize my true personality? When I was eight years old!

Those therapists don't know what the heck they're talking about.

I'm honestly terrified, though. I don't want Julie to die because I'm afraid of the aftershock (can't I just lock her in a back room with her dirty magazines and call it a day?), and I don't want Laurie to die because I love her dearly and let's face it-- she keeps me under control.

I'm kind of upset that I didn't say I was an antisexual neutrois celibate (I did mention that I was asexual, haha!), but I have to thank God that I was smart enough not to say anything about my pain addiction or my xenophilia.
Wow. Can you imagine that?

"You're a pain addict?"
"Um... yeah."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, you know Laurie?"
"Yes."
"That's the second reason I keep her around."

They would have shipped me off to the funny farm for good with that one! Geez!
Oh, but completely coming out of the closet without warning would have been priceless just for her reaction.

"By the way-- I literally have hundreds of monsters living in my head, I don't consider myself male or female and I'm only attracted to biologically asexual humanoids. Oh-- see this ring, this onyx ring here? I'm also celibate. Yeah. Never getting married. Religious vows, you know. That and I'm madly in love with a energy-based alien from God knows where so marrying anyone in this reality would really be a mistake on my part. Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't know that?"

Man oh man. Good times, theoretically.
But honestly... I bet she'd throw the infamous hateline right back at me-- "Everything in your mind is simply a figment of your imagination. You can do whatever you want with it."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, if I put you in my head, ma'am-- because I can do that-- I could do whatever I want to you, too! I could cut your hair short and dye it blue and make you a half-human-half-pirahna crossbreed if that was what I wanted. But, the point is-- here, in your reality, you would not change.
Just because something is strange or abnormal or fantastic doesn't mean it isn't real.
Also... with murdering my headvoices? You think that's all fine and dandy just because they were born from my mind?
You know, for the sake of argument, I could easily take that pirahna version of you and put a bullet through her head, sure. But do I have the right to do that? No. And why not? Because it's not my life. Whether or not you formed from my personality has no bearing on the matter. You are not me. I have no right to take your life, no matter what someone else might say. Plus, if you had been a huge influence to me for some reason-- maybe you became a personification of my eccentricities-- then killing you would literally be killing a major part of me, and that would essentially be-- you guessed it!-- suicide.
Just because Laurie originated from my self-abuse (I think; I honestly don't know where she came from other than out of a mirror one night) doesn't mean that she's all pure evil and something to get rid of.
Laurie is not evil.
She's vicious if she wants to be, sure, but aren't we all?
I know Laurie. I know her so much better than you ever will.
What the hell gives you the right to sign her death warrant?
Why the hell do you think I would be better off without her?
"Oh, you're just used to her being around."
Sure, that's going to be true, but I'm also used to having Devonexx and Julie around and I wouldn't mind if they were both gone.
Laurie means so much to me.
I don't want her to die.

And there is no bloody way that I will ever let you touch her.

Especially not with murderous hands.

I don't mince words, I spit 'em out.
I won't leave room for any doubt.
Get to the point, stop splitting hairs
That ain't getting either of us anywhere!
Sometimes it's better to be blunt
But is this some kind of publicity stunt?
So far you've whet my appetite,
Do you wanna grind with me tonight?

Axegrinder- I'm not famous for my tact.
Axegrinder- I've gotta sharpen up my act.
Axegrinder- try and see things through my eyes.
Everything and everyone gets cut back down to size.

On the brink of who knows what?

Last night... hurt. And it was draining. Chaos is still crying this morning, but I'll try to keep everyone together okay.
Geez. What a lot I have to think about...

So look me straight into the eye, swear to God and tell me I'm not living a lie...

Five months we waited
Hoped
Prayed for that moment

And when we found ourselves there
We were scared to death.

"How am I supposed to say this?"
Thinking so far back

                                     Every word
                                        Every thought
                                           Every second
                                                 Until right now.

You were right... it makes it so much harder. And yet

Because all I could think about                                                                                            Every moment
Were all of the other moments                                                                                             Every laugh
When I had been dying to say                                                                                             Every tear
                   these very words                                                                                             Every hope
And I had been too scared.                                                                                                Every fear
                                                                                                                                          Every silence
                                                                                                                                          Every heartbeat
                                                                                                                                          Was worth it.

Five minutes...
              two...
                  one...                                                                     &nbs p;        My hands are shaking
                                 ...time's up.                                                                  So are yours.

Take a deep breath and say it, Jewel... God, give me the courage to tell him...!

ORANGE                                                                           A crystal heart
RED                                                                                               Just like my own
Maybe even SAPPHiRE                                                                                                Made of glass.

I was so scared.

But why?

"If you don't say it, you're going to regret it."

I would have regretted that for the rest of my life.

If you were looking for that opportune moment...
...This is it.

And I refused to lose it.

Forget all my fears...
all my worries...

"What matters is what I have right here."
My hand held tightly against my heart.

Those painful silences...
I tried so hard to say those words                                                                       "Selph, how did you do it?"
To say the absolute truth
To say everything                                                                                                        "I just forgot my fears
But I could barely even breathe                                                                     and said what I wanted to say."
So how was I supposed to speak?

"...All right.
...But I had to. If you can do it, I can do it..."
I couldn't make us wait any longer.

Not when we had finally reached the breaking point.

...You had cried.
I can't possibly explain how deeply that moved me.

                                                                  I was crying too
                                                                             Silently
                                                                                                          Because the past few seconds
                                                                                                                 Had taken all my emotions
                                                                                                                            And given them to you.

We've finally reached the stars.

"Why is it always so much easier in my head?"

                                                                                                                       Simple.
                                                                                        Because you're not right there
                                                                                                       Not at that moment
                                                                                   &n bsp;   And I'm not trying desperately
                                                              To express the deepest emotion that I'm feeling.

To give words to what's in my heart.

                                                                             Please...
                                                                       Don't feel jealous...
                                                                        Don't feel guilty...
                                                                        Don't feel afraid.

Because, after all...
...We finally know the answer to the riddle.

...If you want God's honest truth...

...If you want to know everything...

...Then I'll tell you everything.

Q-Lok... my Animus.

I love you.

-spinningcannon

Current Mood: zzz
Current Music: "Over My Shoulder" (MIKA)

...

I don't want to sleep or stay awake anymore.

Sometimes I just want to stay in this silent, shivering interim that gasps between night and morning.

Midnight. How lovely.

I don't know why I love the early hours so much... maybe it's simply the stillness, the solitude... the beauty of looking out the snow-kissed windows and realizing that your little part of the world is asleep.
But you're not.

It really is beautiful.

The world is white. The trees are crystalline, cautious claws of white reaching desperately for the stars...
Down below, on the road, no cars pass by. If I close my eyes and listen, the silence is deafening.

Streetlights stand alone, tired soldiers on the graveyard shift. Sighing in their orange glow. My little world turns the color of yesterday's sunshine.

Music echoes softly in my head alone. Melancholy piano and a single voice... I could do the same.

In this tiny universe, this elusive hour which I can reach out and hold, can call my own... in this black-velvet bubble of time, I am free from reality...free from the world.

Johnny had the right idea.

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a prism of souls

Entries tagged with turnpoint events

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