prismaticbleed | I don't want her to die (Reply)

I had a counselling appointment this morning.

I managed to keep a lot secret.

I didn't mention Selph. I didn't mention Chaos Zero. I didn't mention Vezerai.

But I told her about Laurie.

I am scared to death.
Dear Lord, I don't want her to die.
Psychologists always treat headvoices like they're a problem if they're formed from something negative-- like self-abuse-- but I need Laurie. I need her desperately. She knows that, I know that.
No one else does.

And now I might lose her.

I feel like such a heartless bastard.

We figured out that Julie is most likely a "waste-lock." You know, like Johnny C.? We theorized that she actually acts as a sort of living container for all this vice and anger and animosity and all that, but what we're really worried about is what would happen if she died.
I don't want that vice becoming part of me, and I don't want it becoming part of Laurie.
Laurie said that I might be able to annihilate all that negativity if Julie ever was murdered, but the problem is I don't know how I'd do that, let alone if.
All humans have a shadow, unfortunately. I was just lucky enough to be able to give mine a face and hide her away the best I can.
If this psychologist wants to kill her, I might lose who I am.
Julie's been in my head since I was eight years old, damn it! Tell me, when did I realize my true personality? When I was eight years old!

Those therapists don't know what the heck they're talking about.

I'm honestly terrified, though. I don't want Julie to die because I'm afraid of the aftershock (can't I just lock her in a back room with her dirty magazines and call it a day?), and I don't want Laurie to die because I love her dearly and let's face it-- she keeps me under control.

I'm kind of upset that I didn't say I was an antisexual neutrois celibate (I did mention that I was asexual, haha!), but I have to thank God that I was smart enough not to say anything about my pain addiction or my xenophilia.
Wow. Can you imagine that?

"You're a pain addict?"
"Um... yeah."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, you know Laurie?"
"Yes."
"That's the second reason I keep her around."

They would have shipped me off to the funny farm for good with that one! Geez!
Oh, but completely coming out of the closet without warning would have been priceless just for her reaction.

"By the way-- I literally have hundreds of monsters living in my head, I don't consider myself male or female and I'm only attracted to biologically asexual humanoids. Oh-- see this ring, this onyx ring here? I'm also celibate. Yeah. Never getting married. Religious vows, you know. That and I'm madly in love with a energy-based alien from God knows where so marrying anyone in this reality would really be a mistake on my part. Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't know that?"

Man oh man. Good times, theoretically.
But honestly... I bet she'd throw the infamous hateline right back at me-- "Everything in your mind is simply a figment of your imagination. You can do whatever you want with it."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, if I put you in my head, ma'am-- because I can do that-- I could do whatever I want to you, too! I could cut your hair short and dye it blue and make you a half-human-half-pirahna crossbreed if that was what I wanted. But, the point is-- here, in your reality, you would not change.
Just because something is strange or abnormal or fantastic doesn't mean it isn't real.
Also... with murdering my headvoices? You think that's all fine and dandy just because they were born from my mind?
You know, for the sake of argument, I could easily take that pirahna version of you and put a bullet through her head, sure. But do I have the right to do that? No. And why not? Because it's not my life. Whether or not you formed from my personality has no bearing on the matter. You are not me. I have no right to take your life, no matter what someone else might say. Plus, if you had been a huge influence to me for some reason-- maybe you became a personification of my eccentricities-- then killing you would literally be killing a major part of me, and that would essentially be-- you guessed it!-- suicide.
Just because Laurie originated from my self-abuse (I think; I honestly don't know where she came from other than out of a mirror one night) doesn't mean that she's all pure evil and something to get rid of.
Laurie is not evil.
She's vicious if she wants to be, sure, but aren't we all?
I know Laurie. I know her so much better than you ever will.
What the hell gives you the right to sign her death warrant?
Why the hell do you think I would be better off without her?
"Oh, you're just used to her being around."
Sure, that's going to be true, but I'm also used to having Devonexx and Julie around and I wouldn't mind if they were both gone.
Laurie means so much to me.
I don't want her to die.

And there is no bloody way that I will ever let you touch her.

Especially not with murderous hands.

I don't mince words, I spit 'em out.
I won't leave room for any doubt.
Get to the point, stop splitting hairs
That ain't getting either of us anywhere!
Sometimes it's better to be blunt
But is this some kind of publicity stunt?
So far you've whet my appetite,
Do you wanna grind with me tonight?

Axegrinder- I'm not famous for my tact.
Axegrinder- I've gotta sharpen up my act.
Axegrinder- try and see things through my eyes.
Everything and everyone gets cut back down to size.

On the brink of who knows what?