the spectrum heart cathedral system

There was a brutal dream hack this morning. It wasn't "explicit" but it hit TERRIBLE, because the nightmare was a SOCIAL OVERWHELM/ NEGLECT/ CORRUPTION one, and I FOUGHT THE HACK but failed. The "good news"? I woke up immediately, in horrible pain & shame & anger & grief BUT just as immediately, Chaos 0 caught my distress & pulled me into a powerful embrace. His heart was broken too. But he still was there for me, and that meant the world to me. Laurie was there too, of course, and so the three of us talked it out for a while. Then ANXI showed up (apparently she gets PINGED by her namesake emotion? & she CHANNELS/ VOICES IT which is SUCH a blessing; Laurie said that exactly) and set off an unexpected topic shift because Laurie noted that, although I love Anxi dearly, she STILL ISN'T "officially" PART OF THE COREGROUP, UNTIL SHE GETS HER *INCIDENT*. So there were emotions she couldn't yet properly feel or participate in, because I "had to take her INTO those depths." But "you can't force an *incident*"; it HAS to happen IN ITS OWN TIME. But Laurie added that she could "instigate ME," which she VERY WELL CAN, & honestly SHOULD-- the more love I feel, the more everyone ELSE will feel from me too. But yeah, Anxi needs to be "initiated" as it were. And she will be. OH btw Laurie brought up that Indigo talisman because LEON joined our conversation too at one point & apparently YES, TIME ISN'T ALWAYS LINEAR in headspace; sometimes things happen "BEFORE" their causal events? Like WHATEVER interaction GAVE that talisman "HAS" happened "IN POTENTIAL"?? but REALLY, just "NOT 'YET'!" It's fascinating. BUT those events occur IN "MEDITATIVE REALTIME" which "fills out" our life narrative & knits events together in truth. I'll type more about that soon. As for this morning, WRECKAGE also joined the talk, & Anxi brought up the "vault" concept in IO2. Wreckage said Ashen might "BE" a vault. Lynne showed up & I said something about Wreckage & Spine "not being the same" and that hit Lynne painfully. I apologized BUT I explained that SPINE CAN'T STAY "DEAD"? No nousfoni truly "dies," AND MAYBE SPINE COULDN'T COME BACK UNTIL NOW because she was a DRAGON, and she was tied to the BODY. But we were only "a dragon" AS A KID, which is why she was SKELETAL? But NOW we're EMBRACING that totem again SO POTENTIALLY SHE COULD RESURRECT, SOON, if we continue in recovery like this-- AND she might come back AS HER "VERMILION POTENTIAL"?? And Lynne was SO MOVED & truly joyful about this real hope. Julie showed up when we were in the shower & she commented that our body "already felt strong" and not to worry about it; she had faith that everything would continue to progress for the best. Genesis showed up too, with a witty remark to something that was said, & I remember CZ playfully punching him. But gosh it made me SO happy to be there with everyone.
OH YEAH. As to why Leon & Lynne (& even Julie) were there... in discussing BOTH *incidents* & reading "The Three Ordinary Voices of God", there was the reiteration that I genuinely WANT & even NEED truly intimate relationships with ALL of Central, first & foremost, then ALL the System, & ALL the Outspacers and Inspacers. BUT there ARE "LEVELS" of depth so to speak: EVERYONE unanimously pointed to Chaos 0 as the "PRIMARY" relationship & deepest, without compromise, and RIGHTLY SO. This is PROPER & it ALLOWS for ALL of us to have the UNIQUE relationships we NEED, with NO "CONFLICT" of significance. But ALL of it is still "intimate" in mutual self-revelation & open hearts. OUR SYSTEM IS BUILT ON THAT. Oh but as for Lynne/ Leon/ Julie, Laurie said I STILL NEED TO "INVITE" PEOPLE INTO the "inner sanctum" of the Coregroup. It's NOT automatic or obligatory. ALSO I CANNOT be like Jay, who was TOO "romantic"? Like he held EVERYONE to the SAME kind of relationship level and that COULDN'T WORK. Lastly, I APPARENTLY CAN'T "OWN" THE BODYNAME UNTIL I "OWN" OUR WHOLE HISTORY AND HEAL THAT BLOODLINE!! AND THE JEWEL BLOODLINE, TOO, BECAUSE I AM JEWEL AS MUCH AS I AM JESSICA, but I CAN'T YET HOLD EITHER NAME. I have "no name" right now as a result. But I AM the Core, the Heart, and I WILL RECOVER.

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We STILL have a pounding headache & we STILL had too much sugar with breakfast (EVEN THOUGH Laurie DID chide me for it and I ONLY had HALF the syrup, which I REALLY DON'T LIKE so NO MORE), so we feel SICK & NAUSEOUS & FRUSTRATED & our head AND body just HURT and we're MISERABLE... and ANGRY. And I decided we NEED to discuss this. We get SO ANGRY, SO EASILY, & TOO MUCH OF IT is from "RULES"/ "CONTROL". When a meal doesn't "cooperate" or when people TALK to us & ASK QUESTIONS & thus FORCE A CONTEXT INTERRUPTION, when we have to RUSH, when fellow patients BEND RULES & COMPLAIN & FREAK OUT & DISCUSS DISTORTED/ DISORDERED THINGS & ACT CHILDISHLY, "I" GET SO BLEEDING ANGRY. But underneath it, we're SOBBING. Our most furious rage is MISERABLE. And SHE NEEDS A PROPER NAME. I love her, we NEED her, her job is INDISPENSABLE. But without a NAME, she CAN'T PROPERLY "ANCHOR" & we CAN'T PROPERLY TALK TO/ WITH HER. Also, even if she IS who we were calling "Triple" in the past, SHE REJECTS THAT NAME. Let her find her OWN. By the way she seems to resonate with VERMILION? But SHE MIGHT BE A "DUOTONE" because when she feels the MISERY more it "tints" her LEANING BLUE, but WITHOUT LOSING THE "PAIN" OF THE ANGER? it feels ALMOST "bitter" BUT IT'S NOT. That's a VERY DIFFERENT EMOTION. Someone ELSE holds bitterness. This girl holds "FRUSTRATED WEEPING RAGE" that is typically a response to "RULEBREAKING/ LOSS OF CONTROL" which analogues to "HELPLESSNESS" almost. BUT NOT SPECIFICALLY. Again, THAT emotion, when felt AS ITSELF & FULLY, is TOTALLY DIFFERENT. So that means IT HAS A 'FONI, TOO. And we MUST "FIND THEM"-- even if what that REALLY means is GIVE THEM SPACE & ATTENTION TO MANIFEST. FEEL FOR THEM. LET THEM SPEAK. But DON'T FORCE ANYTHING!! THAT'S HOW 'FONI BREAK. ANY FORCED MANIFESTATION IS INSINCERE & ARTIFICIAL. That's why Javier couldn't survive. DON'T EVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN. LET THESE 'FONI APPEAR NATURALLY & SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES. AND TALK WITH THEM. That's for recovery, and it starts NOW with THIS GIRL WHO HOLDS "WEEPING RAGE." (NOT GRIEF!! NOT AGGRESSION EITHER!) (She has OUTBURSTS but they're CONTAINED & tied TO her hot tears. OTHER 'foni get MAD & ACTIVELY LASH OUT.) (They MIGHT be "sisters"??) So we HAVE to do "anger management" with her function & its triggers because this is DIRECTLY RELATED TO TREATMENT + OTHER PEOPLE, and "CONTROL" to a surprising extent. Which SUGGESTS that AS we process this we SHOULD "uncover"/ reveal whoever DOES hold "HELPLESSNESS"??
✳UNEXPECTED PROGRESS. A BHA "took our chair" so we had to sit on the doorstop & just FEEL/ LISTEN to our emotional response. There is a LITTLE reddish girl who started protesting, "that's MY chair!" but was interrupted by some TEEN grayish-blue girl who said "no, let her have it, it's OK"; "we can't be so selfish as to chase her away" basically, but VERY "shrinking" feeling. I think there was a FLASH of someone VIOLENT but that didn't register? But YES, THERE ARE OTHERS AND THEY ARE TALKING, RIGHT NOW. We just NEED to give them SPACE so we CAN LISTEN TO THEM. Please, DO THAT TODAY. Just STOP & SIT & FEEL & LISTEN. SHOW THEM YOU CARE.
✳ SUGAR IS STILL AROUND BUT SHE DOESN'T DEAL WITH FOOD. SHE PROTECTS THE INNOCENT (CHILDREN) FROM ABUSERS (WRECKAGE PROTECTS THE HURT ONES). BUT there's SOMEONE RED & VIOLENT BUT "COLD" WHO REACTS INSTANTLY TO HEARING PEOPLE TALK ABOUT SEXUAL THINGS. She's DESTRUCTIVE for the sake OF PROTECTION. But she "FLASHES IN & OUT." It feels like she has "DARK ROOTS" level-wise, understandably.
✳ I THINK THERE'S ANOTHER "RULE ENFORCER" WHO ISN'T "SAD," JUST ANGRY? They're FURIOUS at the kids here but it's a "MASCULINE" fury; NOT "fiery" but like STONE.
✳ THERE ARE SO MANY UNNAMED/ FACELESS SOCIALS FRONTING. IT'S SCARY. How do we learn WHO THEY ARE WHEN THEY'RE NOT ABLE TO TALK TO UPSTAIRS??

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I may be doing something VERY STUPID, but we are PUSHING PROTEIN for the next two days because EVERY SINGLE ENTREE OPTION IS A FEAR FOOD and this is our LAST CHANCE TO FACE THEM BEFORE DISCHARGE. And I feel like I HAVE to because if I DON'T, I can FEEL that registering as REFUSAL/ REJECTION. Like I'm ACTIVELY CHOOSING TO AVOID THEM & "CHICKEN OUT." And that SCARES me. Part of me IS GIVING UP. I looked at the menu options and I didn't want ANYTHING; I just felt SO SICK OF FOOD. I'm tired of eating. I'm tired of feeling stiff & nauseous & bloated & in pain. I'm legitimately depressed to death by what feels like a dead-end trajectory. This isn't life. I can't do this anymore. It's legitimate torture and the worst part is, I'm being CONGRATULATED for it.

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✳ THE SOCIAL SUBSYSTEM IS FRONTING. THAT'S WHY EVERYTHING FEELS SO DISHEVELED & LOST. THEY HAVEN'T BEEN RECOVERING????

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✳ Dinner was HELL. And the NEXT THREE DAYS probably will be, too, because LIKE A MORON I AM HAVING BOTH THE ENTREES FOR EVERY MEAL. So yeah. WELCOME TO HELL, where the SELF-ABUSE IS DOCTOR-APPROVED and the TORTURE IS CALLED "RECOVERY"!! But the WORST part is that I DID THIS TO MYSELF. I "DIDN'T WANT TO BE A COWARD" SO I PICKED EVERYTHING. Except this isn't bravery, it's STUPIDITY. I'm ONLY REINFORCING THE FEAR BY DOING THIS. And I will tell you RIGHT NOW: I AM GOING TO "RELAPSE" THE INSTANT I GET HOME. I DO NOT CARE. I AM SICK OF EATING. There is NOTHING in the house right now and I will KEEP IT THAT WAY. I'm cutting down to 1000K for a WEEK and I am GOING TO ACTUALLY RECOVER FROM THIS ABUSE. God I want to cry. Everything hurts. I feel so sick. I feel so TRAPPED in this swollen bloated corpse of a body. I WANT TO BE STRONG, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE FAT, LIKE I AM NOW. THIS IS LITERAL HELL. I'm trapped in a disgusting blob of food. It's not even a "body" anymore, it's a trash dump. It's a garbage bin. I'm literally just forcefeeding myself at this point. I don't enjoy anything. I feel like I'm suffocating. I want to die. I don't want to eat anymore. I am SO tempted to give up this weekend. I SERIOUSLY WAS GOING TO TONIGHT. But... EVERYONE was struggling. And I just COULDN'T DO THE SAME. The girls were scared of portion sizes & protein exchanges and although I was ALSO tempted to use those as excuses too, I just... I wouldn't have been able to face myself if I left it unfinished. That would have ruined my reputation for "being the perfect patient." That would have made me a "bad example" and a "FAILURE" in front of everyone who was looking to ME as inspiration to be strong and eat 100% "no matter what." That would have been "giving up," and I'M NOT A COWARD. Isn't that stupid? My ASININE PRIDE IS SENDING ME TO HELL AND KEEPING ME THERE. I'M SO DAMN AFRAID OF "BEING COWARDLY" THAT I'M TORTURING MYSELF TO "PROVE I CAN SURVIVE EVEN THIS." But underneath all that GOD KNOWS I WANT TO QUIT. I WANT TO GIVE UP, dear God PLEASE MAKE IT ALL STOP. Please. The sooner I get discharged the better. I cannot do this anymore. I NEED to heal this destroyed body. I NEED to start WORKING OUT & TONING UP & MAKING GOOD USE OF THIS FAT. And I can EAT SO MUCH LESS!!! FINALLY! Oh God I am so tired. Why is this so hard. Is it all the sugar & fat & carbs? What is ruining me like this? WHAT AM I THINKING I'M "ACCOMPLISHING" BY LITERALLY FORCING MYSELF TO EAT DISGUSTING GARBAGE LIKE HAM & MANICOTTI & HOT DOGS & BACON & CHICKEN NUGGETS & CHOCOLATE??? I'M EVEN MORE SCARED OF THEM NOW BECAUSE THEY'RE BEING FORCED INTO ME AND IT HURTS AND I'M BEING PRAISED FOR IT. IT'S SEXUAL ABUSE. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I'M STILL IN HELL. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I'M STILL IN HELL. God I WANT TO DIE. except I don't. I just want the pain to stop. I just want the terror to stop. I actually WANT TO LIVE. but this is no way to live. I'm walking dead.
...is this the cross? am i supposed to be suffering right now? God please help me. there's no other way through this.

✱WE'RE GETTING HINTS OF ANXI'S *INCIDENT* ALREADY. It's probably going to involve the "I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH" distortion related to BEING LOVED. It'll probably involve the TAR manifesting SHAME & GUILT in direct violent opposition TO love. And I can FEEL that Anxi's soulwings will LOOK LIKE THE MOVIE'S "SELF CONCEPT". Honestly though I could CRY from how my heart is just LIT UP by her. It has been SO LONG since I was in love.
...but. There ARE seeds. I just never let them BLOOM. not YET, at least. But I WANT TO now. And I WILL. And I can ASSURE YOU that the NEXT person to get an *incident* will be a CERTAIN OCTOPUS that I know. Only time will tell. But it will.


✱Just a reminder. DON'T FORGET ABOUT YOUR OCTOPUS. You know you still love him too. Hold on to that.
(for the record, in recovery, FOCUS ON LOVE. Embrace ALL the Outspacers, AND the WHOLE SYSTEM in your heart. LIVE, TOGETHER.)


✱We FINALLY watched Inside Out 2 & my heart is a FIREWORK. We went to snack and everyone was talking about it & I wanted speak up because the film means so much to me, but... it's because I love Anxi. And ironically I was hesitant for that reason. I went upstairs & went to her, wondering what to do. But all I remember is that, after I stated the concern, she began to echo it, saying "what if they..." but then she stopped. For a moment she was quiet. Then she softly said, as she looked up at me, "...actually? I don't care." It went straight to my heart. It hit so hard. We couldn't help but kiss. God it meant so much to me, thank You.
Lastly? I was SHOCKED when, as I ate the Poptart, I SUDDENLY & VIVIDLY felt ANXI MOVING IN TO FRONT. So I let her. She drank ALL the soymilk & we DIDN'T PANIC, despite even feeling itchy. She just didn't care. There was just LOVE.

✱Laurie CHALLENGED me to NOT DOUBLE ANYTHING ON THE MEALPLAN (except BK items) so I DIDN'T! Plus, Madison APPROVED our "double entree dinners" because they're FIXED PORTIONS & we meet ALL OUR EXCHANGES WITHOUT LOADING UP ON SIDES. So we're OUT OF HELL, thank GOD!! The next big challenge is CRABCAKES ON HALLOWEEN!
✱ON THAT NOTE, I am TRYING to reassure myself that I'm NOT DYING because I JUST ATE SHRIMP! (HEAVEN! NOW!) But we CAN'T keep doing this, haha. Seriously we SKINTESTED NEGATIVE. TWICE. The shrimps are safe. Good. I AM itchy BUT the soymilk did this too so I'm betting it's anxiety, girl you better get over here so I can kiss you & calm down.
For the record SHRIMP TASTES SO DIFFERENT! They're BUTTERY with a hint of OCEAN, with SUCH an ODD texture. And they give an IMMEDIATE "atmosphere flashback" to SOMETHING I think in childhood?? I'm not sure but it's fascinating. I'll have to reflect on that more, for the sake of recalling & reintegrating the inevitably UNIQUE situations we would've had them in! But, for the record, my immediate "vibe" is that I'm not a fan? But I'm INTRIGUED. Something in me DOES vibe with seafood, maybe just as a concept? No, I DO like fish. And we'll find out about CRAB this Thursday! But it's cool, to discover all this anew. God's creatures are beautiful & fascinating and there is something INEFFABLY INTIMATE about the FACT that GOD INVENTED FOOD as... well. We EAT creation. We take each other INTO each other & we GROW from it, TOGETHER in a mysterious way. And THAT is why I DO CHERISH FOOD AS A REALITY. It's COMMUNION. It's UNITIVE. It's BEAUTIFUL. And the E.D. was DESECRATING IT. Which is WHY I AM LIBERATING THE SHRIMPS. (AND chocolate soymilk, for the record, which I had the MAD GUTS to try for the FIRST TIME at snack afterwards with NO SYMPTOMS EITHER!) And I will ALSO liberate the CRAB & HAM & WALNUTS & EVERYTHING ELSE I CAN, for the sake of LIFE & LIFE'S CREATOR. The reflux is a small price to pay for freedom from fear & judgment, and I can OFFER IT UP as PENANCE for the ABUSE I used to deal out TO life, in BOTH FOOD AND MY OWN BODY. Yes, it IS scary & uncomfortable, BUT! It's actually giving me the OPPORTUNITY to ACTIVELY REFUSE to give in to LEGIT PURGE TRIGGERS. I am FIGHTING! It's SUPPOSED to be a struggle! That's how VIRTUE grows! And so I THANK GOD for this, as hard as it is, because I can GLIMPSE ITS PURPOSE and it is a TRUE CROSS & so it is HOLY & REDEMPTIVE & GOOD. I just need GRACE for ALL of this or I'll fail. But God WANTS me to WIN, IN HIM. So Lord, THY WILL BE DONE!


✱BOY I JUST SANG "I STILL HAVE THAT OTHER GIRL" LIVE KARAOKE AND I AM SHAKING IT WAS AWESOME. ❤ I CAN DO IT MAN!! THANK YOU GOD FOR THE GUTS!! AND THE TALENT AND THE LOVE! Seriously I feel BLOWN OUT LIKE AN EASTER EGG and I NEED TO DO THIS IN THE FUTURE AS SELFGIFT TO OTHERS. GO MAKE SOME MUSIC!!
(...also. For the record, who did my heart think of? Laurie, Anxi, Jena, & Celebi.❤)

✱btw I realized this on Friday night but ANXI HAS GREEN EYES. And she's SHORT.
LORD I HAVE WEAKNESSES AND THANK YOU FOR GIVING THEM TO ME, SERIOUSLY. I am SO IN LOVE with her (& CZ) & I can only imagine what the future will bring. I'm so blessed.


✱I should continue to get grape juice with every challenge meal & "DRINK THE CUP." Keep the GOAL/PURPOSE in mind!

"SELF-SOOTHING" SKILL PRACTICE


101624


PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
LOUD, BUSY, CHAOTIC grouproom environment; TOO MUCH TALKING, TV on, sensory overwhelm. Working busily on worksheets. NOT TAKING ANY TIME to GO INSIDE/UPSTAIRS and RE-CENTER IN HEART. 

SKILLS USED=
VISION, SMELL, TOUCH

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
"Hugged" self wearing soft pajamas, letting body relax comfortably in chair (release tension). Looked at lovely red shiny buttons, & pretty red swirl pattern like tree branches in the snow. Then smelled the fabric of the sleeve, which smells like ME (home/ safe) & was deeply comforting. Made me remember lying in bed with Chaos Zero; immediate peace

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
INSTANT, DEEP "SOOTHING/ COMFORTING" CALMED DOWN. Like melting away anxiety, or coming home after a long day. COMPLETELY took me OUT OF THE BUSY WORLD for a solid minute; fresh remembrance LINGERED in awareness, helping KEEP the peace. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 85
AFTER= 10

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
5


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PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
Flashbacks to SLC while taking a shower. Vivid & very disturbing. Even Julie fronting to help wasn't making it go away. Harmonia trying to front brought in CNC flashbacks too, making it even scarier.

SKILLS USED=
VISION, SMELL, TOUCH

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
I cleared my mind as much as I could and focused on the light glittering off the water, like sparkles. I looked at the light brown wall and the green-yellow-blue of the shower curtain. I smelled the peppermint soap. And I ended the shower with ICY water, like winter snow. 

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
It took my attention off of the bad flashbacks for a while. The moment I just looked at the sparkling water in sheer wonder filled me with a sudden and genuine joy. The icy water made me smile with sheer surprise. The peppermint smell was deeply comforting, like Christmas.

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 80
AFTER= 30

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
3



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"STOP" SKILL PRACTICE



101624


PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
"Fall Harvest Fest" at 11AM. Saw prep: DONUTS, CORNSTALKS, LOUD MUSIC, "BEANBAG TOSS," etc. IN BIG GROUPS WITH STRANGERS, UNABLE TO SAY NO OR ESCAPE. "Flashbacks" to CHILDHOOD/ CNC.

BEHAVIOR YOU ARE TRYING TO STOP=
CATASTROPHIZING about the "Fall Harvest Festival"

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
PAUSED & went upstairs. Deep breaths, talk to Laurie. Acknowledged my fear & bad memories, ALSO others' joy. DECIDED to "MAKE IT BETTER" by CHOOSING to FIND JOY & SHARE IT, for OTHERS' SAKES.

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
"CHRISTIAN REDEMPTIVE MISSON"!! "The past DOES NOT define the NOW!" I HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE TO FIND & FEEL JOY EVEN NOW, and so TRANSFORM IT INTO A "GOOD MEMORY" = HEAL THE PAST!! Also, DO THIS FOR MOM. She LOVES this stuff, and I want to SHARE THAT WITH HER. (Also, Leon really wants that pumpkin pie ♥) MAKE THIS FUN!

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 9
AFTER= 6

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4 (DETERMINATION!)
(TOLERATED THE DISTRESS/ COPED IN REALTIME!)


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PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
EATING A SOY BURGER & DRINKING SOYMILK & PLANNING TO DRINK AM DRINKING ANOTHER FOR SNACK. CONVINCED THAT I'M STILL DEATHLY ALLERGIC. Every attempt feels like FACING DEATH. 

BEHAVIOR YOU ARE TRYING TO STOP=
TERRORQUIT/ DESPAIR RELAPSE/ ALLERGY PANIC LOOP

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
STOPPED by watching 6th Sense on TV with the group, to put distance between me/ panic. Reminded self that our allergist said we have NO TRUE ALLERGY to soy, and NO SYMPTOMS of concern. Others congratulated me on bravery. Decided to TRUST & BRAVELY TRY AGAIN. 

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
TRUSTING GOD & REASON. Others are proud of my brave efforts to FACE & CONQUER this fear-- which MY OWN ALLERGIST SAYS IS EXAGGERATED; SHE TOLD TEAM I DO NOT HAVE A SOY ALLERGY-- and I WANT TO LIVE UP TO THEIR FAITH IN ME. Dude I am EATING EGGS DAILY & NOT DYING. They had the SAME "WEAL" ON THE SKINPRICK TEST AS SOY. YOU WILL NOT DIE. TODAY PROVES IT. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)= 
BEFORE= 100
AFTER= ?

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
3 (GOTTA FACE IT AGAIN, AND FEEL THIS↑ AS TRUE)


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"IMPROVE THE MOMENT" SKILL PRACTICE


101824


PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
SOY NAUSEA & BRUTAL NIGHTMARES. 

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
I= Going upstairs & just embracing Anxi, talking with her & consoling her
M= This suffering is strengthening my patience, courage, & COMMITMENT to CHOOSE JOY!
P= CAST ALL YOUR CARES UPON THE LORD, FOR HE CARES FOR YOU + Morning offering
R= Taking a hot/cold shower with PEPPERMINT soap, and wearing my softest outfit
O= Repeatedly bringing mind back to NOW/ grounding
V= doing FUN worksheets!
E= Anxi/ Laurie/ God/ peers/ staff ALL reminding me of MY TRUE CHARACTER

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
TOTALLY SHIFTED FOCUS. "VACATION" WORKED SO WELL??? I literally just focused on going through worksheets and it INTERRUPTED the intense loop, although the symptoms persist. But now the other letters have a better foundation to work from. And TRUST IN GOD!

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 100
AFTER= ?

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4 (SHOCKINGLY EFFECTIVE)


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PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
Phone call with mom. Got NO support on my recent recovery victories; instead she focused on my past failures & even projected them onto the present. I felt unseen, unheard, invalidated, like I hadn't changed at all.

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
I= Upstairs with Chaos 0, Laurie, Anxi.
M= Journaled about it. Need to let go & stop basing my recovery validation on her.
P= Paula praying for me. Me reminding myself that God is proud of my progress.
R= Deep  breathing, letting my body relax as much as I could, willing hands.
O= Journal, worksheet. Also helps just looking at tablet mealplan calculation data.
V= Went outside & walked around in the night air, laughing at fantastic "foursquare" game
E= All my beloveds sharing my joy & struggle & sorrow & hope for real. We're TOGETHER in this.

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
Still very sad, but able to accept reality. Holding on to the support I DO have, and holding on to my faith. Able to admit my own faults & forgive judgments towards mom. Still willing to communicate with her & hoping for a better relationship, but beginning to let go of this expectation. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= ?
AFTER= ?

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
3


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"ACCEPTS" SKILL PRACTICE


102224

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS= 
PEANUT BUTTER CHALLENGE + HACK NIGHTMARE. Body feeling "flu sick" & nauseous. Risk of allergy panic & exaggerating symptoms (with the pb); flashbacks & despair/identity corrosion from hack. DON'T WANT THAT. But distress still occurring. 

SKILLS USED=
Distract with A.C.C.E.P.T.S.

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
A= WORKSHEETS! Reading Matthew Kelly books, GROUP WITH ALYSSA
C= Talking to Paula & giving her encouragement & supportive advice in HER struggles & worries
C= I FACED IT BRO! AND I'M NOT HAVING ALLERGY PANIC! OR WANTING TO PURGE!
E= Thinking about Anxi & Phlegmoni & JMC (peanut butter santas), SMILING/ laughing
P= Flat-out NOT DWELLING ON THE EVENTS. I survived, I did the challenge, BE HERE NOW
T= Spelling, counting, remembering movies & songs, naming colors in the room
S= Just treasuring local textures: clothes, paper, markers, glossy plastic, buttons

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
Completely took my mind off the memory/ sickness. Distraction IS helpful! I know it'll subside; I just have to WAIT IT OUT PEACEFULLY. This is PROVING that I'M OKAY AND I WON'T DIE. It's a VITAL SKILL. BEST help: SHARING IN THE JOY OF OTHERS/ NOT THINKING OF MYSELF AT ALL. Literally "get out of my own head"

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-100)=
BEFORE= 85
AFTER= ~20

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4


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102624 

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
Mealplan worry-compulsion; "What's the BEST/ RIGHT choice?" The ones I DID make are proving TOO HIGH VOLUME in reality and I CAN'T BACK OUT. I'm DOOMED TO TERROR & SUFFERING UNTIL THURSDAY. I'm struggling to cope with this.

SKILLS USED=
PROS & CONS
DISTRACT WITH A.C.C.E.P.T.S.

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
A= Doing weekly recap worksheets, mealplan budget, & journaling, plus a MOVIE ♥ (live-action little mermaid)
C= Not isolating from peers. Sharing Halloween card with them. Talk to Rhi/ Melanie.
C= "I'D RATHER SUFFER THAN SIN." WILLING TO FACE THIS WITH FAITH.
E= Anxi again. Laurie encouraging. Thinking of Chaos 0 with the movie plot. ♥
P= I can't go back on my decisions. I want to learn to FACE the consequences.
T= Thinking about typecodes! Trying to remember the data. It brings me joy.
S= The taste of the pita chips at snack, the smell of autumn air, the sound of URSULA ON TV

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
Laurie, Anxi, & Chaos 0 reminding me that these mealplan struggles are TEMPORARY and they are TEACHING US HARD BUT VITAL LESSONS, and in the process "FORCING" US TO GROW IN VIRTUE & FAITH... and to GROW CLOSER TOGETHER IN LOVE. And THAT IS FOREVER, AND WORTH LIVING/ FIGHTING FOR. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-100)=
BEFORE= 100
AFTER= 25 & falling!

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4

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PROS & CONS OF ACTING ON CRISIS URGES


PROBLEM BEHAVIOR YOU ARE TRYING TO STOP=
ALLERGY PANIC (EGG/ SOY/ SESAME/ SHRIMP)

ACTING ON CRISIS URGES=
AVOIDANCE/ PANIC RESTRICTION/ TERROR "DESPAIRQUIT"; GIVE UP TRYING

PROS OF ACTING ON CRISIS URGES=
1. DON'T HAVE TO "STARE DEATH IN THE FACE" EACH MEAL
2. AVOID FEELING SICK/ ITCHY/ NAUSEOUS/ TERRIFIED
3. DON'T FEEL LIKE I'M "HURTING MYSELF" BY EATING "POISON"
4. CAN EAT OTHER FOODS THAT I ACTUALLY ENJOY INSTEAD
5. AVOID MEALTIME PANIC; CAN RELAX AT "NO DANGER"

CONS OF ACTING ON CRISIS URGES=
1. STILL "CONTROLLED" BY FEAR. OBSESSIVE INGREDIENT AVOIDANCE.
2. FEEDS INTO RESTRICTION BEHAVIOR IN GENERAL
3. NOT BEING COURAGEOUS; NOT ACTING ON CORE VALUES
4. ACTING IN DIRECT CONTRAST TO ALLERGIST REASSURANCE
5. HAUNTED BY "DEATH TERROR." NOT TRULY RECOVERING. 

RESISTING CRISIS URGES=
BELIEVING FACTS & PROFESSIONAL ADVICE/ REASON; GET OVER FEARS

PROS OF RESISTING CRISIS URGES=
1. MAKE MOM/ TEAM AND SELF PROUD/ JOYFUL IN VICTORY
2. ACT COURAGEOUSLY; PROVE I CAN MEET THE CHALLENGE
3. GRADUALLY LESSEN THE GRIP OF FEAR/ PANIC CONTROL
4. FREE TO EAT "ALLERGY FEAR FOODS" IN ALL CONTEXTS
5. MOVE MORE FULLY INTO RECOVERY/ FREEDOM/ PEACE

CONS OF RESISTING CRISIS URGES=
1. MIGHT STILL "FEEL SICK" AND HAVE TO SIT WITH THE TERROR
2. WILL BE CONVINCED I AM DYING FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR
3. NEED TO REPEAT EXPOSURE. MENTALLY EXCRUCIATING.
4. PSYCHOLOGICAL/ PHYSICAL EXHAUSTION & EXERTION
5. NO "PROOF" OF SAFETY. MUST TAKE THE LEAP OF FAITH. 


★ BESIDES THE E.D., WHAT ARE MY ACTUAL CRISIS URGES??
LASHING OUT? VIOLENCE? SELFHARM? FIGHTING? RAGEQUIT?
(ALL OF THOSE TRIGGER A PURGE REACTION)


"Identify which of these are short-term (just for today) and which are long-term (beyond today). Would you rather have a good day or a good life? Make mindful choices about your behavior."

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"TIP" SKILL PRACTICE


"TEMPERATURE" 
SITUATION= Dude we do this BEFORE EVERY MEAL, even at home
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 85  AFTER= 10
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 50  AFTER= 85
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= We go to the room sink, wet paper towels with cold water, and wash our face/ ears/ neck with it. The wet & cold, with our eyes closed, instantly helps us chill out a significant bit

"INTENSE EXERCISE"
SITUATION= Fall fest; deciding to play "cornhole" until I got 5 in the hole, running back & forth
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 60 AFTER= 0
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 50  AFTER= 100
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= I threw 5 beanbags in a row each time, trying to stand form & aim straight & with a strong arm. Then I ran to get them & ran back. I did this at least 12 times? Laughing & happy

"PACED BREATHING" (COUNTING)
SITUATION= OVERWHELMED & dissociated from talking too much/ for too long, ALL DAY 
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 100 AFTER= 80
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 10  AFTER= 50
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= Closed eyes/ willing hands, went upstairs (Imagery skill) & Laurie counted for me. Unfortunately I just felt like I was suffocating (breathing exercises usually do that to me) so it KEPT me anxious in that regard. LET KYANOS DO IT!!

"PAIRED MUSCLE RELAXATION" (w/ breathing)
SITUATION= Disturbing sexual stuff on TV, I can't tune it out or leave the room
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 100 AFTER= 5
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 0  AFTER= 90
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= Tightened my arms/ legs/ stomach while inhaling, then released tension all at once while exhaling forcefully. FOCUSED on breathing, meditative. Shockingly effective; helps "reset brain mood" and gives a quick outlet for violence/ rage/ "fight" trauma survival instinct

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"RADICAL ACCEPTANCE" SKILL PRACTICE


101524


TWO MAJOR THINGS THAT I NEED TO ACCEPT RIGHT NOW + ACCEPTANCE LEVEL 0-5=
1. The world around me will NOT "cater to" my triggers = 4
2. My ENTIRE past IS "MINE" and I have to INTEGRATE it ALL = 3

TWO MINOR THINGS THAT I NEED TO ACCEPT RIGHT NOW + ACCEPTANCE LEVEL 0-5=
1. I must attend a Partial program, in person or in telehealth = 2
2. I cannot always have the foods I "want"/ "enjoy more" = 3

★ PRACTICING radical acceptance means CONSISTENT REPETITION, WHOLEHEARTEDLY & ATTENTIVELY

TWO ITEMS TO PRACTICE RADICAL ACCEPTANCE ON=
1. ACCEPT & INTEGRATE THE WHOLE OF MY LIFE HISTORY AS MINE (BALANCE SELF & SYSTEM!)
★ I MUST LOVE THE "ME/US" IN THE ARCHIVES
2. ACCEPT WHEN "I DON'T GET WHAT I WANT/ EXPECT" AND LEARN TO EMBRACE IT FULLY (CHOOSE LOVE/ JOY) (GRATITUDE!!)

★ ALL CAUSES FOR MY CURRENT REALITY EXIST IN GOD'S PLAN.
★ PRAYERS OF PRAISE & GUIDANCE HELP PROMOTE FULLER ACCEPTANCE
★ TO COPE AHEAD= IMAGINE ALL THE WAYS A SITUATION CAN GO WELL, BY MY CHOOSING TO FULLY ENTER INTO IT = HAVE HOPE/FAITH, DETERMINED OPTIMISM, TRUST IN GOD
★ "Attend to body sensations" = PHYSICAL responses! SOOTHE them? Like a scared child. 
★ Painful emotions (grief, distress, etc.) are INTERNAL CAUSES OF PHYSICAL SYMPTOM SIGNS? ESSENTIAL TO FULLY ADMIT & FULLY FEEL, TOGETHER.
★ "GOD, I TRUST WHAT YOU GIVE ME!"
★ "LIFE IS ALWAYS WORTH LIVING, EVEN WHEN THERE IS PAIN"


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"RADICAL ACCEPTANCE" SKILL PRACTICE


101624


SKILLS I WILL PRACTICE THIS WEEK DURING TWO STRESSFUL SITUATIONS  =
1. Half-smiling & willing hands: I'm practicing these DAILY; keep it up, but ADD MORE SKILLS!
2. Turning the mind & willingness WORK TOGETHER!! To TURN the mind to CHOOSING the "unacceptable" in WILL, it ENABLES the WILLING PARTICIPATION! 
3. Mindfulness of hurt thoughts; DON'T GET CARRIED OFF. Only think them through with the SYSTEM, once the thought's intense emotions have "calmed" enough to REASON.

DESCRIBE THE FIRST STRESSFUL SITUATION AND HOW YOU PRACTICED SKILLS =
Still sad over mom. Did hands/smile; IMMEDIATELY tuned me back into my persisting love of her. I accept the reality of her different personality & accept her AS SHE IS. I CHOOSE to respect her unique history & personality, even when it doesn't "match" with mine "as I expect."

1-5 EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILL IN HELPING YOU COPE = 4 

DESCRIBE HOW THE SKILL HELPED YOU COPE =
Accepting mom AS SHE IS, accepting MY faults, and CHOOSING TO LOVE & FORGIVE BOTH OF US, so we CAN GROW BETTER TOGETHER. Focus on HOPE; COURAGEOUS COMPASSION, FAMILY!
"CHECK THE FACTS"! YOU KNOW MOM LOVES YOU, EVEN IF SHE DOESN'T REALIZE/ KNOW HOW TO TALK TO YOU "THE WAY THAT MAKES SENSE TO YOU." HER LOVE IS STILL REAL. DWELL ON THOSE FACTS!! ♥
★ Willingness means LISTENING TO "WISE MIND" & ACTING FROM IT! Wise Mind KNOWS that there WILL be conflict, BUT MOM STILL TRULY LOVES ME, & SHE DOES WANT ME IN HER LIFE. So these doubtful fears are FACTUALLY FALSE!!

DESCRIBE THE SECOND STRESSFUL SITUATION AND HOW YOU PRACTICED SKILLS =
"STUPID" mealplan decisions again. "Stuck" between high volume & bingeing, it feels like. Overwhelmed by feeling full. Angry. Scared. Lost. Did ALL skills & talked it out with Laurie. Choosing to TRUST that GOD CAN AND WILL work this out for my good. CHOOSING to ACCEPT MY OWN CONSEQUENCES & LEARN, instead of second-guessing everything I do. 

1-5 EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILL IN HELPING YOU COPE = 3

DESCRIBE HOW THE SKILL HELPED YOU COPE =
It didn't really? I'm so scared & angry & sad but I TRUST GOD is going to help. I feel SO LOST & HELPLESS & BLIND but GOD KNOWS. I CAN surrender to that. It's all I can do. It's the BEST I can do.

★ TRY TO SEE THIS AS AN EXPERIMENT. YOU CAN & WILL LEARN WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU THROUGH THIS TRYING/ RISK. TAKE NOTES! & ENTER INTO IT WITH A POSITIVE & CURIOUS MIND! (WILLING & GRATEFUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY = EVEN "ADVENTURE"; LEARNING IS ONLY BY ACTION HERE!)

★ HOW DO I COPE WITH VIOLENT OUTBURST URGES??? THEY WON'T FIX THE PROBLEM OR GET ANSWERS. (FEEL / LISTEN TO THEM INSIDE!!! outside DOESN'T HELP)

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They have "yacht rock" on the TV this morning (Bobby Coldwell atm) and I'm SHOCKED to realize that I'm STILL GETTING A FEAR RESPONSE to certain musical sounds like brass/ rhodes piano/ "island" music/ flutes/ etc. And ALL these sounds ALSO give "CHILDHOOD ATMOSPHERE FLASHBACKS," with the INEXPLICABLY CONCURRENT "EXISTENTIAL DREAD" that feels like "mom's bedroom at night" & "George Winston music" & "80s synths" etc. WTF HAPPENED TO/ IN OUR CHILDBRAIN THAT HARD ASSOCIATED THIS (now Spyro Gyra) GENRE OF MUSIC WITH FEAR?? It's the sense that "something scary is going to happen/ I'm IN IT NOW"?? I feel TRAPPED & LOST, like I "can't be safe/ go home/ rest" with this music on. So I WONDER. This is MOM'S MUSIC. Did she PLAY this music CONSISTENTLY at CERTAIN TIMES in which we felt that way? (BTW I got the guts to ASK TO STOP THE MUSIC as it WAS INCREASING THAT "SLOW PANIC" FEELING. That was very brave & wise of us. NOW we need to THINK ABOUT OUR FAVE TUNES to REPLACE the music data in our head-- MAKE A LIST TO REFER TO IN A PINCH & GIVE IT TO AUDREY ♥) I'm sure therapy/ MOM TALKS will reveal more of this, so bookmark it mentally for analysis & journaling later.

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AUDREY'S MINI-JUKEBOX for COPING SKILL ACCESS
(tunes we TRULY LOVE & can CALL TO MIND IN A PINCH/ CRISIS to INSPIRE POSITIVITY (LOVE!!))

1. BLACK LIGHT MACHINE by FROST*
2. SUPER SONIC RACING by RICHARD JACQUES
3. BEFORE by EMPIRE OF THE SUN
4. SHOW SOME RESPECT by SALLY ANN TRIPLETT
5. I'M A BETTER MAN by ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK
6. SONG OF THE ANCIENTS by KEIICHI OKABE
7. DIE WITH A SMILE by LADA GAGA & BRUNO MARS

(continue this!)

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✳ "IMPROVE" skills/ COOPERATIVE WILLINGNESS today: (meet challenges/ changes with OPENNESS/ CURIOUS WONDER, HOPEFUL GRATITUDE, COURAGEOUS OPTIMISM)
1) Staff woke me up LATE (7am) for meds. I had to RUSH shower/ hygiene. This gave me the OPPORTUNITY to PROVE that I CAN-- I STILL FINISHED BY ~720! I was grateful for the challenge to improve/ streamline my timing; I found that I CAN wash faster AND dry my hair faster too. AND it DIDN'T AFFECT MY MED EFFICIENCY; I kept thinking that taking them later than usual would "stop them working."
2) New patient girl ANGRY VIOLENT. I actually GENTLY BUT FIRMLY spoke up to guide her a little. Proved that I CAN be GENTLY ASSERTIVE, and SHE DIDN'T GET OFFENDED! I didn't get thrown off or disturbed either; I internally DECIDED to STAND MY GROUND AND HELP/ BEFRIEND HER if possible. I WILLED to meet her where she was.
3) Hall yoga. Childlike wonder at ground level perspective. Singing bowl & COLOR REALMS (pink/ indigo/ violet). Angel card of AUTHENTICITY. Focused on movements, letting go of trauma fear bit by bit with "hip openers" (felt ORANGE?). Entered entirely into the experience, trusting, no judgment, open to the beauty in it. Gentle with body's new limits, encouraging it still.
4) Breakfast alterations: minimal eggs, asked for a bit more cereal (brave!). Forgot syrup, so put CRANBERRIES & CREAM CHEESE on the pancakes! Let myself enjoy it. Too much brownsugar in the cereal made me a bit ill; now I know I can try LESS in the future/ NOT "compelled" to get it OR use every bit of what they give me. Also tried yogurt IN the hot cereal to emulate home plans. Let Leon eat the blueberries. Thanked God for the unexpected little joys.
5) LUNCH RUSH! But PROVED I CAN. Learning HOW to be MINDFUL in a HURRY; keep practicing this, & thank God for the opportunities! More delays/ edits; late juice, bread instead of bun, styrofoam box salad, no cheese. Accepted it all happily & with curious fluidity; "how interesting! how new!" Openness/ flexibility allowing for adventure & joy. And the unexpected uniqueness itself is to be treasured.
6) DINNER EDITS.The catfish was MASSIVE! And the nutritionist CANCELED the cottage cheese, which was actually SUCH A RELIEF because I would've had NO TIME TO EAT IT, AND IT SHOWED THAT IF I DO GO OVER EXCHANGES STUPIDLY, SHE WILL FIX IT. So I can RELAX and TRUST her judgment. I also learned that 2 DRESSINGS ARE TOO MANY in the salad! And I DIDN'T RUSH THE FISH. It was LOVELY.
7) I'm so frustrated & disappointed in myself over my weekend mealplan choices. I KEEP MAKING COMPULSIVE CHOICES. But here's what I must do: ENTER INTO THE CONSEQUENCES WILLINGLY, & SINCERELY/ WHOLEHEARTEDLY, TRUSTING THAT GOD WILL HELP ME IF I PLACE IT IN HIS WISE HANDS. Imagine it ALL GOING WELL. LEARN what works & what doesn't. RELAX INTO GRACE. STAY HOPEFUL. FOCUS. YOU CAN DO IT REGARDLESS, BY GRACE!! YOU SURVIVED PANERA BREAD, BRO. THIS IS A BREEZE. (OF THE HOLY SPIRIT!) Don't panic. Go kiss Anxi. You'll survive & God will use even this to help you grow in VIRTUE/ CHARACTER!

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✳ The eating disorder/ mental illness "WANTS TO BE SPECIAL" = "BETTER THAN/ SEPARATE FROM" = PRIDE
("CONTAMINATION FEAR" BLEEDING INTO SOCIAL RELATIONS??? "I CAN'T BE LIKE THEM" ("DANGEROUS" PEOPLE)

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✳ We NEED to ERR ON THE SIDE OF CAUTION because we're learning that apparently CAFETERIA PORTIONS WILL ALWAYS VARY (we didn't realize that huge portions are apparently "NORMAL" in the "real world"; we have NO EXPERIENCE with eating in public so it was a bad shock), so we MUST STOP DOUBLING SIDES AND ENTREES!!! Choose the SMALLEST VOLUME OPTIONS from now on, and DO NOT GO OVER EXCHANGES ANYMORE. This HURTS and it's SCARY. Our meals are NOT ENJOYABLE ANYMORE. They're OVERWHELMING & HEAVY & PAINFUL and I HAVE TO CHOKE THEM DOWN SO FAST and there's SO MUCH. This is WORSE than bingeing because it's FORCED & INESCAPABLE. I HAVE TO DO 100% AND I CANNOT SAY "NO" OR "THAT'S TOO MUCH, PLEASE STOP." ...it's abuse. I'm abusing MYSELF. God I NEED TO STOP. God PLEASE HELP. I'm begging You PLEASE get me safely to Tuesday so we can STOP THIS FOR GOOD.

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poem exercise/ challenge

"I AM A DANGEROUS PERSON"

driven to remove the backstabber's dagger,
deftly I manipulate the blade to prevent mindblowing bleed
and restore the whole.
would such a wound weep
if i were heartless?

✳ I keep second-guessing my mealplan choices, thinking that they're stupid/ unhealthy/ will "kill me" in the long run? ...SO, do I ask the nutritionist to change it? [Or] do I try [whatever I get] anyway? ...For all I know, I might LIKE [it]. SO we'll give it a shot, & then we'll KNOW for the future. See? God lets it ALL work out for good. And let me state this first: I DON'T WANT TO "EDIT" MY MEALPLANS ANYMORE. THAT'S "REAL LIFE" PRACTICE! I've gotta DECIDE, & then ROLL WITH IT. If it's "not as good as I hoped," THAT'S OK!! WE TRIED & LEARNED MORE ABOUT OURSELF! AND WE GOT A NEW EXPERIENCE TOO, that we CAN & SHOULD & WILL find/ CHOOSE enjoyment in regardless. ...BTW thank you Laurie for SERIOUSLY GRILLING ME ON MY CHOICES but letting me try in order to compare, [so] we learned! ...Seriously GIVE THANKS TO GOD FOR IT ALL & OFFER YOUR DECISIONS UP TO HIM TO USE FOR HIS GLORY & OUR HIGHEST, TRUEST GOOD, because HE WILL. He KNOWS we did our best. We chose what we sincerely felt were GOOD choices, to be enjoyable yet adventurous, & get a few extra calories to help our body rebuild. WE DIDN'T "SIN." So we CAN ask God to help us make it ALL into WORSHIP! Every "disappointment" BECOMES A BLESSING. [Another important note:] THERE IS NO "OBLIGATION" TO EAT [SPECIFIC FOOD COMBINATIONS]. Free your mind of that box! ...BUT!!! THE ULTIMATE GOAL IS NOT TO EDIT OR SECONDGUESS. You CAN ASK for extras WITHIN REASON, but DO NOT "RELY" ON THEM. Be ADAPTABLE, DETACHED, & GRATEFUL. BE LIBERATED from COMPULSION AND PERFECTIONISM. You MUST develop the SKILL of INTUITIVELY, FREELY, PEACEFULLY DECIDING, and STICKING WITH IT. TRUST YOURSELF AND TRUST GOD'S LOVE & POWER TO MAKE IT ALL GOOD FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT-- THAT MEANS EVERY CHOICE IS A GOOD CHOICE, SO DON'T EVER FRET OVER IT!! ♥

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UNIQUE THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR TODAY...
1. Getting another surprise chance to try peanut butter for BK (the OTHER kind too!) and realizing that I DO NOT LIKE IT! And THAT'S OK! But I was BRAVE in trying TWICE!
2. Starting the "PAST" collage & seeing it begin to come together & feeling SO MUCH LOVE for the System & our shared history. I adore them. Thank You God for US, now and then.
3. Being DARING/ ADVENTUROUS, kind of BOLD & ASSERTIVE on our menu plan & our nutritionist said "I LIKE IT; YOU'RE MAKING IT YOUR OWN." "GOOD PRACTICE" for the real world.
4. The existence & fragrance & color of the tiny, brilliant purple flowers on the bush in the main courtyard-- & for the childlike enthusiasm-daring to finally go over & look at it/ cherish it.
5. Seeing our new roommate asleep this morning, perfectly peaceful, & she looked so beautiful it stunned me. I may never get to know her but I cherish her existence & I pray God blesses & heals her abundantly.
6. The meatloaf for lunch had the ketchup border that tasted just like grandma's. The sunlight reflected off the glass of water & sparkled on my face. Laurie talked with me as we ate cauliflower. The chips looked like art in the light.
7. Having a mom who laughs easily & readily recalls all the good times from my past when I forget. She also remembers GIFTS & ABILITIES I have that I forgot! She IS a cheerleader to me, and my biggest fan. I love her lots.
8. We went outside for dinner too & I got to see the autumn sunset, all coral-peach fading into dusky blues, with the forest a black silhouette against it, and the stars just beginning to appear. Grandma's song was playing.
9. Worried about our mealplan choices. Journaled about it. Realized in this very effort how we HAVE grown in integrity, flexibility, adaptability, & confidence. Even our "mistakes" are TRULY paths to deeper virtues.
10. We get a blueberry poptart for snack & they will always make me think of Leon now. I'll have to eat it with him. And we'll get to GO OUTSIDE for the FOURTH TIME today! Life is truly lovely in all these little blessings. Thank You God for today!

WHAT IS SELF-ESTEEM?

GOD CREATED ME = I AM VALUABLE!
I HAVE A GOD-GIVE PURPOSE = I AM IMPORTANT!
GOD MADE ME GOOD AND THAT IS STILL IN ME! = I AM LIKEABLE!

I AM NOT INFERIOR; GOD SEES NO ONE HE CREATED (LOVES!) AS "LESS THAN"! IF I AM NOT "EQUAL" TO SOMEONE ELSE IN TALENT/ ABILITY/ ETC., IT DOES NOT AFFECT MY WORTH OR VALUE! GOD INTENDED FOR ME TO BE DIFFERENTLY GIFTED, AND I CAN ALWAYS STRIVE TO BE BETTER & LEARN MORE-- BUT FOR JOY, NOT FOR COMPETITION!!
✳ In the big picture, there is NO SUCH THING as being "better than" others! Difference in skill does NOT affect worth/ value! (REJOICE IN EACH OTHER)

✳ HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM REQUIRES BALANCE= DIGNITY/ HONOR BOTH SELF & OTHERS NEEDS; I AM JUST AS WORTHY/ VALUABLE AS EVERYONE ELSE)

✳ I AM NOT INADEQUATE. GOD HAS GIVEN ME THE GRACE, GIFTS, & CIRCUMSTANCES I NEED TO DO WHAT HE WANTS ME TO DO, AND THAT IS WHAT MATTERS! AND BY HIS GRACE I CAN AND WILL DO IT! I AM FULLY ADEQUATE IN HIS LOVE!!

✳ MY OWN OPINIONS & VALUES DO MATTER BECAUSE I MATTER

✳ SELF-ESTEEM IS NOT "BEING PERFECT"; ONLY GOD IS! BUT TRUE PERFECTION = LOVE!! WE ARE LIKE GOD WHEN WE LOVE OTHERS!

✳ WE LEARN & GROW FROM OUR MISTAKES; they are INEVITABLE & NECESSARY (HUMILITY)
✳ "ALWAYS WINNING" DOES NOT DEFINE TRUE "VICTORY"

✳ "ALWAYS BEING HAPPY" IS NOT THE POINT; SADNESS IS A BLESSING TOO! EVEN ANGER CAN BE HOLY!

✳ YOU ONLY NEED GOD'S APPROVAL; EVEN IF ALL HUMANITY HATES YOU!
+ "PLEASE GOD, AND THE WORLD'S OPINION WILL NOT MATTER"

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INFLUENTIAL FACTORS THAT SHAPE SELF-ESTEEM

How others respond and react to you
"slave/ alien/ freak/ bad girl/ troublemaker/ puppeteer" etc.; being ignored/ rejected at school & work

Being compared unfavorably to others
"Never smart/ good/ holy enough"

Religious views of family or community
verses "queer" identity & "mental illness"

Traumatic experiences
DESTROY sense of worth/ value/ goodness; "broken forever"; become "WRONG" in an almost innate way

Cultural view towards you
"weird queer kid" not conforming properly to gender/ social roles

Chronic illness/ disability/ abuse
✳ MY "SELF-IDENTITY" HAS LEGIT ANCHORED ITSELF INTO THE CHRONIC TRAUMA??? IN DIRECT OPPOSITION TO THE LEAGUE that WAS "BEFORE" IT???
(HOW DOES OUR FAITH PLAY INTO THIS, CONCERNING THE RELIGIOUS TRAUMA?) (which was ALL LIES btw)
✳ THE LEAGUE IS TIED TO US BEING A CHILD OF GOD!!!

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WRITING YOUR STORY
Have you had negative experiences that have negatively impacted your self-esteem? Indicate how they did so.

HARDSHIP: family "poverty mindset"? Rejection/ bullying at school? Family fighting, lack of social connection or friends?

ABUSE: Emotional/ psychological/ religious/ sexual. Doubt own emotions & thoughts, objectified, scrupulous, "bad girl"

TRAUMA: "Shattered self"; "irreparably damaged"; "tainted, broken, corrupt, ruined," etc. "Not worthy of good things anymore"?

PEOPLE: Mom's big & competitive expectations/ demands; bully girls at school? Social/ cultural messages that exclude/ condemn?

EATING DISORDER: Treated body as garbage; waste/ destroy all health/ comfort/ good things; reliving trauma; compulsive "people-pleasing" choices

✳ FEAR OF JUDGMENT/ REJECTION influences me too much. "Will they hate me?" "Am I a bad person?"

✳ My ideas/ opinions mocked, rejected, torn apart. Faults & weaknesses highlighted = "not good enough"; must be "the best"; "simple pleasures" a "waste of time" = all behavior/ activities must be approved/ dictated? "Is my life of any value (USE) to you?" Extreme = others tying my purpose to money/ sex

✳ HUGE LOSSES & DEFEATS. Could never "live up to" demands. "Failed" at being a daughter/ sister/ girl. See self as inherently unwanted, alien to world/ society. "What's wrong with me?" "No one likes me"? UNIMPORTANT unless PERFECT/ SUCCESSFUL. "People only pay attention to me/ care about me IF I'm entertaining/ the BEST/ useful/ etc."

✳ Ultimately see self as SUBHUMAN/ INHUMAN and therefore UNDESERVING OF BASIC HUMAN DIGNITY; THIS FUELS THE EATING DISORDER


What do your answers indicate about your self-esteem?
✳ It's QUITE POOR. It implies a LACK OF SELF-AGENCY/ CONFIDENCE/ TRUST/ DEFINITION/ POWER. It's a shrinking, timid, frightened, submissive, "SERVANT" mindset = "my existence MUST be utterly inoffensive/ consumable/ entertaining/ useful/ PERFECT" for OTHER PEOPLE (who CONTROL me thereby) or it's "WORTHLESS" and I'm "BAD/ UNACCEPTABLE/ WRONG/ UNWANTED/ INTOLERABLE/ REJECTED/ ABUSIVE/ etc." THAT'S VICTIM BRAIN. It ALSO reveals a LACK OF FAITH!! When I BADE MY WORTH & VALUE IN GOD, AND SEEK TO PLEASE HIM ABOVE ALL-- God Who IS LOVE-- then I CAN HAVE CONFIDENCE because HE MADE ME & GAVE ME HIS SPIRIT OF POWER!!

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HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM CHECKLIST

I KNOW LIFE HAS PURPOSE AND DIRECTION.

I am wanted by others.
MOM SAID SO!!! ♥

Other people value me.
GROUP SAID SO!!! ♥

I can make contributions to others.
THE FACTS PROVE THIS!

I can receive and believe compliments from others.
TRUST THEIR SINCERITY. CHOOSE TO "BE" SUCH A PERSON!

I feel confident.
"WITH FAITH" = TRUST in MY ABILITY/ ADEQUACY; "I CAN DO IT" (GOD IS YOUR STRENGTH!)

I don't really worry about making mistakes.
They AREN'T "FAILURE"! They TEACH you BETTER!

I am able to state my opinion.
IT DOESN'T INVALIDATE THOSE OF OTHERS! YOU'RE ALLOWED TO HAVE OPINIONS!

I can make decisions and feel comfortable with them.
EVEN WITH UNEXPECTED RESULTS!! YOU'RE NOT "BEING TESTED"
✳ HAVE MORE TRUST IN YOUR ABILITY AND EFFORT TO CHOOSE WISELY, AND STOP DEMANDING "PERFECTION" (B&W THINKING)!!

I feel comfortable around others.
(WANTED/ VALUED/ WELCOMED)?
LET GO OF "FEAR OF JUDGMENT/ REJECTION"
✳ LIKE YOURSELF FIRST!

My mind is peaceful.
(MINDFUL) "PEACE OF CHRIST" = GET OFF THE WHEEL!

I am, for the most part, content.
TRUST IN GOD'S PROVIDENCE NO MATTER WHAT

I don't worry what others might think of me.
THEIR THOUGHTS DON'T DICTATE REALITY EVEN IF THEY ARE NEGATIVE (MATCH TRAUMA DISTORTIONS/ LIES)

I can ask for what I need.
YOU DO HAVE NEEDS! YOU DESERVE TO HAVE YOUR NEEDS MET TOO! NO EXCEPTIONS OR DOUBLE STANDARDS!

I can look at others directly and with confidence.
LOVE them; LISTEN & CARE
✳ TO LOOK & SPEAK is harder; it requires VULNERABILITY! YOU MUST VALUE YOURSELF TO BE HONESTLY OPEN WITH OTHERS!!

✳ WHAT YOU FOCUS ON IS WHAT YOU GIVE POWER TO. Positive focus ENLIVENS you. Negative focus DEVOURS you.
✳ "WHAT KIND OF PERSON DO YOU WANT TO BE?" FOCUS ON/ AFFIRM/ MANIFEST THAT LIGHT!!! (TRUTH) "DARKNESS CANNOT DRIVE OUT DARKNESS." YOU MUST CHOOSE TO SHINE DESPITE IT.
✳ YOUR MISTAKES/ FAILURES/ DISAPPOINTMENTS CANNOT DEFINE YOU. ONLY GOD CAN DEFINE YOU AND HE LOVES YOU INTO BEING EVEN NOW.

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SELF-ESTEEM CHECK-UP=

I need to be OKAY WITH "MISTAKES" & "FAILURES" AS PART OF BEING HUMBLY HUMAN!! This ties into HANDLING CRITICISM WELL, and being ABLE to TRUST MYSELF EVEN WHEN I'M NOT PERFECT! I'll also solve problems BETTER when I'm FLEXIBLE & OPEN ENOUGH to ALLOW "MIS-TAKES" SO I CAN LEARN WHAT DOESN'T WORK & DO EVEN BETTER BY IT!!

✳ I'll RESPECT MYSELF better when I LET MYSELF BE MYSELF, & STOP "DISRESPECTING" MY OWN UNIQUENESS & PERSONHOOD. Then I'll ALSO LET MYSELF ENJOY & CHERISH BEING "ME"!
✳ COMPLIMENTS "AFFIRM" THE GOODNESS I STRIVE TO MANIFEST/ EMBODY. I AM VALUABLE BECAUSE OF GOD!
✳ OTHERS REJECTING ME DOESN'T DAMAGE MY WORTH OR INVALIDATE/ CONDEMN MY PERSONALITY!!
✳ MY LOOKS DON'T DEFINE MY SOUL-- MY SOUL BEAUTIFIES THEM! (I AM EXACTLY WHO GOD MADE ME TO BE, & MY JOB IS (BY GRACE!) TO REMOVE ALL THE LYING OBSTACLES OF POOR SELF-ESTEEM THAT SUPPRESS ME!)
✳ GOD DESIGNED MY UNIQUE SOUL & PURPOSE & TALENTS & RESONANCE etc. BEFORE I WAS BORN! I CANNOT LOSE IT, EVER!


(I REALLY DO LOVE WHO I AM. THANK YOU GOD!!)

(from a worksheet we received; please discuss this further & see whether or not we have foni that still perpetuate these roles)



THIS IS ALL SO APPLICABLE TO OUR BIRTHFAM AND SYSTEM IT'S JARRING.

● "DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY ROLES ARE ALMOST A FORM OF CONTINUITY/ STABILITY OF THE FAMILY SYSTEM, STIFLING DEVELOPMENT ESPECIALLY IN CHILDREN"
● "MEMBERS MUST SUBMERGE PARTS OF THEIR PERSONALITIES & TAKE ON A ROLE SO THEY ARE LESS OF A THREAT TO THE FAMILY SYSTEM THAT MUST BE KEPT IN PLACE"
● "ALL THE ROLES IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY ARE CODEPENDENT"
● "DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY MEMBERS MUST TAKE/ ARE ASSIGNED A ROLE TO MAKE UP THE WHOLE OF THE FAMILY; AS OPPOSED TO A FAMILY OF FULL PERSONS, A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY SYSTEM CREATES JUST "ONE" PERSON= THE FAMILY ITSELF"
● "WHEN A MEMBER LEAVES, THIS CREATES AN ALMOST IRREPARABLE HOLE IN THE EXISTING SYSTEM; A DISCARDED ROLE THREATENS THE FAMILY STABILITY AS THERE IS NO ONE ELSE WILLING TO/ CAPABLE OF FULFILLING THAT ROLE"
● "A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY NEEDS ALL MEMBERS TO FUNCTION AS A UNIT, NOT AS A COMMUNITY; THEY ARE ENMESHED"

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THE ENABLERS
+ "PARENT" = SHERILYN ("mom" role) (NURTURER)
+ "MARTYR" =
+ "WORRY/ FRET" =
+ "PROVIDER" =
+ "MOM TO MOM" =

● "FEELS THEY MUST KEEP THE FAMILY GOING IN THE PRESENCE OF A DYSFUNCTIONAL PARENT"
● "ENDS UP SUPPORTING DYSFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIOR & ENFORCING CODEPENDENT ROLES THAT OTHERS ARE REQUIRED TO PLAY"
● "THEIR ENTIRE CONCEPT OF SELF IS BASED ON WHAT THEY CAN PROVIDE FOR OTHERS."
● "THIS CHILD WILL ATTEMPT TO FUNCTION AS THE SURROGATE PARENT" = IS THIS WHY I WANT TO BE LIKE DAD??
● "PROTECTS & TAKES CARE OF PROBLEM PARENT, SO THAT PARENT IS NEVER ALLOWED TO EXPERIENCE THE NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR ACTIONS" = WE STILL DO THIS!!!
● "FEARS THAT IF THEY DON'T PREVENT THE DYSFUNCTIONAL PARENT'S CRISIS, THE FAMILY WON'T SURVIVE"

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THE HEROES
+ "NORMAL = PERFECT" CHILD?
+ "SUCCESS" =
+ "BRAVE & STRONG" =
+ "RESPONSIBLE" =

● "OVER-RESPONSIBLE, SELF-SUFFICIENT, PERFECTIONISTIC, OVERACHIEVERS, COMPULSIVE OVERWORKERS"
● "PARENTS LOOK TO THIS CHILD TO PROVE THAT THEY ARE GOOD PARENTS & GOOD PEOPLE"
● "MASKS AND MAKES UP FOR THE DYSFUNCTIONAL HOME LIFE"
● "THEIR GOAL IN LIFE IS TO ACHIEVE SUCCESS; HOWEVER THAT HAS BEEN DEFINED BY THE FAMILY"
● "THEY MUST ALWAYS BE BRAVE AND STRONG" = HATE WEAKNESS AND COWARDICE
● "SAVES THE FAMILY BY BEING PERFECT AND MAKING IT LOOK GOOD"

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THE GOLDEN CHILDREN
+ "VICTIM" =
+ "WITNESS" =
+ "ABUSER" =
+ "PROJECT" =

● "RECIPIENT OF ALL THE NARCISISSTIC PARENT'S POSITIVE PROJECTIONS AND IS THEIR FAVORITE CHILD"
● "VICTIM OF EMOTIONAL AND COVERT SEXUAL ABUSE"
● "WITNESS TO/ PARTAKER IN THE ABUSE OF OTHER SIBLINGS" = THIS HAPPENED TO US AND IT SCARRED US HORRIBLY

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THE SCAPEGOATS
+ "TRUTH TELLER" =
+ "PROBLEM CHILD" = JEZEBEL??
+ "HOSTILE/ DEFIANT" =
+ "NEGATIVE ATTENTION" =

● "TROUBLEMAKER; ALWAYS SEEMS DEFIANT, HOSTILE, AND ANGRY"
● "VERBALIZES/ ACTS OUT THE "PROBLEM" WHICH THE FAMILY IS ATTEMPTING TO COVER UP OR DENY"
● "BEHAVIOR WARRANTS NEGATIVE ATTENTION & IS A GREAT DISTRACTION FOR EVERYONE FROM THE REAL ISSUES AT HAND"
● "THEY GET ATTENTION THE ONLY WAY THEY KNOW, WHICH IS NEGATIVELY" = DOES THIS PLAY INTO MY "HURT ME TO SHOW YOU LOVE ME" BELIEF MENTALITY???

I just had a phone call with mom and I am so badly shaken up & dissociated.
1) She KEEPS BRINGING UP the fact that I spent the $50 she gave me for my birthday on CHURCH TITHES, instead of going to a movie with Excalibur like she told me to. "If I knew you were just going to give it to the church, I wouldn't have given you anything, and kept ti to use on home repairs!" And THEN I admitted that I gave away ALL the cookware/ kitchenware she gave ME to my SISTER, when she lost her job & had no food & I just gave her everything I had to spare-- of kitchen & bathroom supplies AND of food, PLUS all the stuff I got from food drives. Mom HATES that I do this "BECAUSE IT'S HER STUFF" I'M GIVING AWAY. I wonder if she'd be so upset if I did the same from my own resources, as paltry as they are, OR if she'd immediately jump to the conclusion that "I ONLY did that SO I COULD force her TO "give stuff to me" to "cover the loss""?? Like she'll ASSUME responsibility/ burden SO she CAN yell at me "FOR burdening her"?? It makes me very sad. I thought I was doing the right thing, helping people. But mom thinks I'm somehow doing it so I can take things from HER later. I probably DID do that in the past. Heck, I STILL DO, because this conversation ONLY happened BECAUSE I asked IF she had any extra kitchenware to spare, instead of keeping my dumbass mouth shut & just buying my own. I should've known better. Now I'll never hear the end of it.
2) She will NEVER share my victories, or congratulate me. I told her about how I overcame breakfast flashbacks. I told her how brave I was getting through the soy hell yesterday. I told her how I got through lunch by thinking fondly of grandpa. I told her I was being brave again by having a Poptart for snack. And ALL SHE SAID WAS "...okay...?" like, "and your point is...?" "This is important because...?" Basically, "why does that even matter? Why are you telling me this?" I told her I ENJOYED the gyro & english muffins and she LITERALLY said "THAT'S SO FUNNY." LIKE WTF MOM WHAT ARE YOU EVEN RESPONDING TO??? There's NO DIALOGUE unless my therapist is directing it, it sadly seems. I'm sorry. I'm just heartbroken. I WANT TO SHARE MY JOY & STRIVING WITH HER. I want her to be proud of me. ...but all I ever get are detached phrases. I ask and she'll say something tangentially reassuring but there's NO vulnerability, no actual sincere heartfelt words. And... I NEED those. I'm realizing I will never get such words from her. I never have and that's not going to change. It's why I'm starving. Emotionally I am so hungry. I want to weep. I need to just go upstairs & cry with Anxi, & listen to Laurie, & be with Chaos 0. THEY share my joys & sorrows & struggles & victories. THEY are proud of me, GENUINELY so. I NEED that. I'm so sad. I feel so guilty for needing to be loved. I can't keep seeking it from mom. It's so sad. But it's true. I'm depending too much on her emotional support/ response for validation, and I am not getting any and I never have and I probably never will. That is so hard to admit. I need to let her go. I can't hold her to my expectations if she cannot meet them. It's unfair to her & to us. I need to move on from childhood grief & desperation. I need to focus on headspace & heaven for support. ...and I ALSO need to EMBRACE the FACT that GOD DOES NOT "HOLD HEAVEN OUT OF OUR REACH," "way up there," intangible & unknowable. CHRIST INCARNATED. And there ARE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE-- IN MY HEART, MOST OF ALL-- WHO REFLECT GOD'S LOVE TO ME ALWAYS. And I NEED to turn to THEM, then, AS God's messengers to me, as His angels, for the encouragement & empathy & sincere lifesharing love that I am starving to death for. Heaven IS within reach. SO STOP REFUSING TO LET YOURSELF EAT.

DISTRACTING

WITH ACTIVITIES =

• Focus ALL your attention on LEAGUEWORK!
• Watch movies that you KNOW you'll enjoy!
• Clean the house--YOU REALLY SHOULD, BUDDY
• Library groups?
• CHURCH EVENTS
• PLAY KLONOA!
• Go for a walk; HIT THE GYM
• Surf the internet for the LEAGUE/ BIBLE STUDY
• JOURNAL/ BLOG
• FIND NEW MUSIC!
• Read religious books/ SCRIPTURE
• Try MATH learning games??
• Shirt painting?
• Ceramics?
• Collages?
• Digital coloring?
• PLAY A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT

WITH CONTRIBUTING = 

• Find volunteer work to do at church?
• Help mom up the house!
• Give a neighbor a card?
• Send encouraging text messages = to the fam? Tumblr askboxes?
• GIFTART?
• Do something thoughtful, even anonymously!
• Food/ hygiene "pantry" donations
• SHARE "INSIGHT" (GIFT) to EDIFY & CONSOLE others

WITH COMPARISONS =

• Compare how you are feeling NOW to a time when you felt different = REVIEW THE SCARY ARCHIVES THANK GOD FOR HIS DELIVERANCE
• READ VOTM!!
• Compare CONSEQUENCES; "pros & cons"

WITH DIFFERENT EMOTIONS =

• Read emotional books or stories (especially LEAGUEWORK & ARCHIVES)
• Read old letters (TO/ FROM THE SYSTEM)
• Watch emotional TV shows or movies = CHIZU WEEK + SYSTEM FAVE FILMS
• Listen to emotional music; what soothes you? What fires you up? (WE HAVE MANY SPECIFIC PLAYLISTS. MAKE MORE.)
• Listen to religious music (both choral & modern!)
• Make a Tumblr blog for uplifting/ funny/ happy things?

WITH PUSHING AWAY =

• PHYSICALLY leave the situation for a while; "context break"
• MENTALLY leave the situation for a while; POSITIVE REFOCUS
• Notice ruminating = RECOGNIZE as unhelpful & REPLACE with GRATITUDE/ GOOD
• Put the pain "on a shelf"/ "box it up" and put it away for a while = LITERALLY?? Write it down IN GENERAL and come back to "unpack it" when you ARE stable?
• GIVE IT TO GOD
• GIVE IT TO SPECIFIC FONI (whose JOB it is TO hold it)

WITH OTHER THOUGHTS = 

• Count to 10 = just count in general; numbers are VERY SOOTHING to me
• Count and name the colors around you = elicits JOY actually
• Describe the objects around you = Laurie has me do this often to fight derealization!
• Repeat words to a favorite song in your mind (AUDREY'S JUKEBOX)
• PRAY MENTALLY / SCRIPTURE MEDITATION
• Read Scripture or spiritual books
• LEAGUEWORK BRAINSTORMING/ IMAGINING

WITH OTHER SENSATIONS = 

• Listen to very loud music 
• Go out in the RAIN or SNOW = SHEER BLISS
• Take a hot or cold shower (we don't have a proper shower at home; but use faucet water for quick shocks)
• Hug a plushie 
• Go discover textures in nature AND at home

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SELF-SOOTHING

★ IF IT DOESN'T SOOTHE YOU, DON'T FORCE IT!!!


WITH VISION =

• Look at the stars
• Look at the pictures you like in a book (JMC archive notably)
• Look at OLD Leagueworld art (childhood days)
• MAKE A "SCRAPBOOK" OF NICE THINGS??
• Look at the "LOVE WALL" in the bedroom
• WEAR COLORSHADES
• FIND A MUSEUM AND GO TO IT
• Sit in the lobby of a beautiful old hotel = IS there any place like this locally?? I DO love that kind of architecture.
• Look at nature around you
• Watch a sunrise or sunset
• Be mindful of each sight that passes in front of you
• Take a scenic walk or hike (FIND PLACES)
• Look through "beloveds" & religious art folders on phone; ADD TO THEM
• Watch a beautiful movie
• LOOK UP PICTURES OF GIMMELWALD

WITH HEARING =

• Listen to soothing or invigorating music.
• Pay attention to sounds of nature.
• Sing to your favorite songs. (BE CAREFUL. Not all 'foni who do this are positive.)
• Hum a soothing tune.
• LEARN THE CELLO & VIOLA
• Play with the guzheng
• Make a playlist with music that will get you through tough times. (SYSTEM ANTHEMS & MEMORIES)
• Be mindful of the sounds around you right now.
• Listen to EWTN/ JMJ
• Listen to LEAGUE MUSIC; WRITE NEW ONES (or at least BEGIN!)

WITH SMELL =

• Minty soap?
• Smell coffee beans (when you're near some)
• Make your own "potpourri"? (be very careful; COVID screwed up my lungs big time)
• Boil cinnamon and/or ginger root
• Smell the roses! There are MANY in town!
• Walk in a wooded area and mindfully breathe in the fresh smells of nature. (I MISS THIS SO MUCH IT HURTS)
• Open the window and smell the air = ONLY IN AUTUMN/ WINTER; warm weather in the city is terrifying
• RAIN SMELL
• BEDSHEETS/ PLUSHIES
• grandma's old clothing. this might trigger deep grief but it's also the most profound tangible consolation i have left. 

WITH TASTE = 

• TEA for ANXI?
• Eat a childhood favorite food? Like WHAT? Think about this!
• FIND a nice favorite food to enjoy!
• Sample flavors of ice cream??? CAN YOU??
• Try a NEW fruit/ veg/ ethnic import food
• PEPPERMINTS!
• Get a special food that you don't usually buy = FIGS! MOONDROP GRAPES!
• Really taste the food you eat. Eat one thing mindfully.
• BRUSH YOUR TEETH KIDDO

WITH TOUCH = 

• Sink into a comfortable chair. (good luck with that buddy, back pain is out to get you)
• Put on a shirt that has a pleasant feel (the SILK SLEEP SHIRT that Chaos 0 loves)
• Take a drive with the car windows rolled down (BEST THING IN THE WORLD)
• Run your hand along smooth wood or glass.
• Hug someone = even an anchor plush ♥ 
• EVEN BETTER, GO UPSTAIRS AND HUG SOMEONE (yes it counts, I still feel it!)
• Just collapse into bed dude
• Wrap up in a blanket (see previous)
• Notice touch that is soothing. (this INCLUDES INANIMATE TEXTURES, thank God. but develop this discernment! LEARN what ISN'T frightening!)
• Walk through the apartment and just TOUCH STUFF. Savor the uniqueness of things. 
• GO TOUCH SOME GRASS & TREES & MOSS
• Run water over your hands, wash your face, etc.
• EXERCISE COUNTS! FEEL THE BURN BUDDY

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IMPROVING THE MOMENT


WITH IMAGERY =

• Imagine very relaxing scenes. (GIMMELWALD)
• Imagine a secret room within yourself. Furnish it the way you like. Close and lock the door on anything that can hurt you. = THIS DOESN'T WORK FOR US?? BECAUSE TRAUMA HAD US BEING LOCKED IN WITH INTERNAL ABUSERS!!! 
• Imagine everything going well. (BUILD THIS MUSCLE!!)
• Make up a calming fantasy world. (COLOR REALMS)
• BTW do NOT "imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like a pipe" as they suggested; that's MAJOR SLC/TAR FLASHBACKS
• Remember a happy time and imagine yourself in it again, or just play it out in your mind again
• COLOR REALM/ LEAGUEWORLD BUILDING; look for VISUAL AIDS ONLINE & "COLLECT" them?? WRITE "VIBES"?? + PRACTICE IMAGINING to STRENGTHEN & CLARIFY YOUR ABILITY TO "SEE" MENTAL IMAGES; WE ACTUALLY LOST A LOT OF OUR CAPACITY POST-CNC

WITH MEANING =
(this is absolutely System work + faith work)

• Find purpose or meaning in a painful situation.
• Focus on whatever positive aspects of a painful situation you can find. Repeat these positive aspects in your mind.
• Remember, listen to, or read about spiritual values.
• REVIEW THE ARCHIVES; PRINT BEST ENTRIES & CARRY WITH YOU
• Make a LIST of MEANINGFUL SCRIPTURE VERSES
• GRATITUDE JOURNALING; ~3+ points EVERY DAY/NIGHT

WITH PRAYER=

• Open your heart to God. (your own Wise Mind GETS its wisdom FROM HIM!)
• Ask God for strength to bear the pain. CARRY YOUR CROSS!
• Consciously turn things over to God. Repeat this as often as you need to. ("O JESUS, I SURRENDER MYSELF TO YOU, TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING")
• ROSARY
• SAINT BRIDGET PRAYERS
• GO TO THE ALTAR AND JUST TALK TO GOD!!
• Say your VERY FAVORITE PRAYERS
• SAY THE ENZLER STATIONS!!!

WITH RELAXING ACTIONS =

• Drink hot tea
• Practice stretching (make it a HABIT; we'll feel MUCH BETTER)
• Breathe deeply (SET a TIMER; make this a HABIT, DAILY)
• Change your facial expression (This WORKS!!)
• Go sit under a tree/ in the grass/ by water??
• SIT DOWN and just BE
• Read a KID'S BOOK

WITH ONE THING IN THE MOMENT =

• Focus your entire attention on just what you are doing (GRATEFUL WONDER & JOY!)
• Keep yourself in the moment. ("Be HERE, NOW")
• Put your mind in the present. (NOT past/ future)
• Focus your entire attention on the physical (SANCTIFY IT!)
• EXERCISE (WEIGHTS)
• Do something like PAINTING/ COLORING that DEMANDS BOTH fine motorskill focus AND mental attention/ quiet

WITH A BRIEF VACATION =

• Go to the woods for a day? Try it! ♥
• Turn off your phone for a day. Seriously TRY THIS.
• Take a blanket to a park (WHERE?) and sit on it for a whole afternoon
• Take a one hour breather from hard work
• GOOGLE MAPS WORLD TOUR!
• Go to a movie or music performance?
• Chill in a cafe or library?
• I'd LOVE to just bum around my old university; that was SO NICE 

WITH SELF-ENCOURAGEMENT & RETHINKING THE SITUATION =

• "I will make it out of this."
• "I'm doing the best I can" = MAKE SURE WE ARE!!!
• Repeat over and over: "I can stand it."
• "This too shall pass."
• "I will be okay." = GOD IS GUIDING & PROTECTING ME.
• "It won't last forever." = ONLY GOD/LOVE IS ETERNAL (HEAVEN HOPE)
• THANK GOD for the moment (HIS WILL/ LESSON) & TRUST HIM; ASK for GRACE to SEE & CHERISH HIS HAND IN IT
• "THIS CAN & WILL HELP ME GROW IN VIRTUE!" (COMMIT)

TWO "RETHOUGHTS" THAT ARE PARTICULARLY IMPORTANT IN YOUR CRISIS SITUATIONS =
1. "My mistakes/ misjudgments DON'T INVALIDATE my (GOD-GIVEN!) GOOD QUALITIES."
2. "God's will/ the Holy Spirit DO NOT induce PANIC/ ANXIETY/ SELF-LOATHING/ etc. I must INSTEAD CHOOSE to act in LOVE/ HOPE/ MERCY/ etc."!!

✳ ACCEPT MYSELF AS I AM, WHILE WORKING TOWARDS SELF-IMPROVEMENT!! "AND," NOT "BUT" = NOW VS. IDEAL NOT OPPOSED OR IN CONFLICT!! "BOTH/ AND" = "I'm angry with you AND I still love you" (DIALECTICAL) FULL SPECTRUM!! ♥ (+INSIDE OUT 2 TEAM)
✳ "WRITE THE FIRST DRAFT" = STILL AN ACHIEVEMENT, IN ITS IMPERFECTION! "EVERY STEP IS AN ACHIEVEMENT IN ITSELF" AS WE GROW = yes you CAN get to level 100, but being at level 5 isn't bad! Level 6 IS a legit good thing! And so is every step from 6 to 100! "Perfection" ISN'T the GOAL, it's the ROAD ITSELF!

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So I JUST got off a PROFOUNDLY IMPACTFUL & IMPORTANT PHONE CONVERSATION WITH MOM, and she brought up SEVERAL ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL POINTS that we NEED to discuss & reflect/ journal upon =
1) THE "HIDDEN CHILDHOOD TRAUMA" = WHY I'M STILL TERRIFIED OF GOING UP THE HOUSE?? WHAT HAPPENED? WHY DO WE HAVE SO MANY TERRIFIED PAIDIFONI?? WHAT IS HIDING BENEATH THOSE FLOORBOARDS?? WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHY WE ARE SO SCARED OF OUR CHILDHOOD!!!
1.5) JULIE IS NAMED AFTER OUR CLASSMATE AND WE FORGOT THAT. THAT WAS ON PURPOSE!! THAT PROVES THAT WE WERE SUFFERING FROM BULLYING/ TORMENT AT SCHOOL, WHICH MOM ATTESTS TO, EVEN THOUGH WE DON'T REMEMBER IT. TAKE THIS REVELATION VERY SERIOUSLY.
2) "ANAESTHESIA HONESTY" = apparently POST-SEDATION, I ACT "LIKE MY REAL SELF" = the CREATIVE, IMAGINATIVE, FIERY, SPARKLE-EYED ME!! "WHO I WAS AS A CHILD"!! I WANT & NEED TO BE THIS TRUE-SELF 24/7, NOW. The OBSTACLE is SCRUPULOSITY: "MINIMIZING" MY LIFE, "CONDEMNING" MY GIFTS AS "SILLY" OR "SELFISH," NOT LETTING MYSELF SHINE & LAUGH & CREATE BEAUTIFUL THINGS & SHARE THEM WITH JOY!!! MY PURPOSE IN LIFE IS TO BE ME, WITH ALL THE CREATIVE PASSIONS & GIFTS THAT GOD GAVE ME!!! I WANT MY LIFE TO BE A GIFT OF PROLIFIC BEAUTY. I WANT MY OBITUARY TO SAY THAT I LIVED MY LIFE FULLY & WAS A FORCE OF HOPE & LIGHT & JOY & LOVE BECAUSE I INVESTED MY TALENTS WELL. GOD GAVE ME THESE LEAGUEWORLDS FOR THAT REASON. GET TO WORK THEN, WITH LOVE!!
3) THE BOYS ASK ABOUT ME. THEY APPARENTLY ALWAYS ASK ABOUT ME. THEY CARE ABOUT ME. THEY WORRY ABOUT ME. THEY MISS ME. I MATTER IN THEIR LIVES!! YOU IDIOT YOU'RE THEIR BIG SISTER, OF COURSE THEY WANT YOU IN THEIR LIVES STILL!! But... they haven't approached me, or spoken to me, BECAUSE OF THE EATING DISORDER AND THE D.I.D. They literally think I'm STILL JUST AS CHAOTICALLY SPLITSWITCHY AS WE WERE IN ~2015. ...and I really haven't been a part of their lives SINCE. That's HORRIBLE. That's HEARTBREAKING. It's TRAGIC and FOR THEIR SAKES WE/I NEED to do TWO BIG THINGS: first, GET OUR COLLECTIVE ASS UP THAT HOUSE & TALK TO EXCALIBUR. Even just LISTEN to HIM talk! But BE THERE, WHOLEHEARTEDLY!!! BE THERE AS YOURSELF, AS A REAL PERSON, NOT A "SOCIAL MASK" OR TRAUMATIZED BLUR. REMEMBER YOUR HEART, THE REAL JESSICA OF THE EARLIEST DAYS-- ASK UNISALIA, SHE'LL TELL YOU-- AND BE YOURSELF!!! THAT'S WHAT THE WHOLE FAMILY NEEDS FROM YOU. And second, START YOUR BLOG. TALK HONESTLY & OPENLY ABOUT BOTH THE D.I.D. & EATING DISORDER. SHARE YOUR STRUGGLES & INSIGHT. OPEN UP TO YOUR FAMILY. TELL THE TRUTH, & RE-ESTABLISH DIALOGUE & CONNECTION, WITH NO FEAR.

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WHAT IS THE FEAR SEPARATING US FROM CHILDHOOD??? That is the BIGGEST OBSTACLE to our recovery. If we CAN'T INTEGRATE the ABSOLUTE HISTORICAL FOUNDATION OF OUR PERSONALITY-- of MY PERSONALITY, the TRUE ME, the CORE of the System, the HEART, the "ONE" that the Spectrum SHINES OUT FROM & FOR-- then WE'RE SUNK, BRO. So this healing is TOP PRIORITY!
✳ A quick, vital clarification. "I" AM NOT "MULTIPLE PEOPLE." I AM ME. I AM THE HEART, the System EXISTS to GUIDE & PROTECT & HELP ME, AS THE CORE OF THE SPECTRUM, THE LIFE OF IT. But we have TWO BIG TRUTHS that we HAVEN'T FULLY INTEGRATED, or maybe even ACCEPTED yet--
1) THE TRUEST "HEART/CORE" IS THE "FIRST" JESSICA. And THAT IS ME!!! I NEED TO OWN THAT NAME, AS RIGHTLY BELONGING TO THAT "ME," NOT THE LATER CORRUPTED FONI!!! I AM JESSICA. I KNOW THAT and it's TRUE & it makes me REALLY HAPPY & I AM CREATIVE & GOOD & REAL and THIS IS THE "REAL ME," ALL THE WAY DOWN LIKE A DIAMOND. ...but I am ALSO "JEWEL." I HAVE A HISTORY WITH THE SYSTEM, TOO. TRUE LIFE, TRUE "RECOVERY," MEANS UNITING THESE TWO "HALVES" OF MY HEART AS ONE, WHOLE & COMPLETE, LOSING NOTHING. I NEED to be "BOTH AT ONCE," AS ONE. NO SPLIT, NO BREAKS!! I NEED & WANT TO BE MY "CHILD HEART" NOW AS AN ADULT. I NEED & WANT TO BE THE SAME FIRE & SPARKLE ME BOTH INSIDE & OUTSIDE, AROUND EVERYONE, NO HIDING OR DENYING! And on that note,
2) THIS BODY IS ME. READ THE CATECHISM BUDDY! IT'S BY GOD'S DESIGN. SO OWN IT. OWN YOUR BODY AND YOUR NAME. The System was born TO HELP YOU. They were GIVEN to yuo BY GOD as a GIFT; THIS BODY IS NOT "THEIRS"! It's YOURS. It's MINE, TO BE CHERISHED, and NOT EVEN MY BELOVED NOUSFONI HAVE A "RIGHT" TO INHABIT IT. I think THAT'S actually WHY GOD "STOPPED" THE FRONTSWITCHING. The Spectrum IS MEANT TO BE INTERNAL. Their job is NOT to "live MY life," it's to GUIDE ME AS I LIVE MINE-- which I do call "OURS" out of sheer love BUT IT'S TRULY MY BODY & NAME & FACE & FAMILY... AND HISTORY, And THAT is HARD to fully grasp yet. EVERY FONI IS FACTUALLY A "PART" OF MY SOUL. OUR "COLLECTIVE" HISTORY IS MY HISTORY, EVEN AS IT IS OURS, AND I HAVE TO "OWN" IT IN ORDER TO HEAL IT & FULLY RECOVER & MOVE ON. And THAT is the NEXT PART of our recovery journey, ESPECIALLY upon discharge. I CANNOT LIVE A "FULL LIFE" IF I WON'T ACCEPT MY FULL LIFETIME... AND MY FULLEST SELF-- to BE ME, WITH US, WITH MY FAMILY, WHOLE & REAL & TRUE.

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✳ The next DBT worksheets ALL INVOLVE CRISIS SITUATIONS & HOW EFFECTIVE WE ARE IN ACTION USING OUR DBT COPING SKILLS TO HANDLE DISTRESS AND LESSEN IT! So WHAT are the MOST LIKELY "CRISIS" EVENTS (TRIGGERS) THAT WE WILL ENCOUNTER UPON DISCHARGE, ESPECIALLY UP THE HOUSE/ IN PUBLIC??
(WE MUST "COPE AHEAD" TO BE ABLE TO MEET THESE CHALLENGES WISELY!!)
1) Getting LEGIT SICK from food, even "just" severe nausea/ reflux
2) Flashbacks during/ right before or after eating
3) "Invisible triggers" while up the house
4) Feeling trapped/ helpless/ imprisoned; no accessible/ ready escape
5) Being "stuck in public" in noisy crowded situations (fairs, malls)
6) Overhearing sexually evil conversation/ music/ TV
7) Seeing something sexually explicit
8) Sudden fighting/ arguments with risk of violence
9) Panic attack "chronological triggers" at night
10) Halloween/ Thanksgiving panic & flashbacks
11) "Interim panic" in apartment
12) Intense regret/ anxiety/ selfhatred over "wrong food choice"
13) ↑ Obsessing over "what food choice IS the right one"
14) Sensory overwhelm/ talking too much

GOALS =
ENJOY & CHERISH LIFE;
+ GROW IN THE VIRTUES OF HOPE, PATIENCE, COURAGE, TRUST
+ "BIG PICTURE" PERSPECTIVE?
"ETERNITY MINDED"
"THE VIEW FROM THE CROSS";
DISTRESS becomes a DOOR to SPIRITUAL GROWTH

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A CRISIS is highly-stressful BUT SHORT-TERM!! So CHRONIC TRAUMA ISN'T CRISIS?? IT DOES LAST LONG!

"Crisis survival skills" are NOT meant for solving ALL your life problems, OR "everyday" problems = They are NOT meant to "make your life worth living." Skills are STILL "SURFACE LEVEL." WORTH is of the HEART. (GOD-GIVEN!) (DEPTHS)

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"STOP" SKILL

- PAUSE! BREATHE! CENTER!
- NOTICE THOUGHTS & FEELINGS!
- NOTICE OUTSIDE SITUATION FACTS!
★ CONSIDER YOUR GOALS FOR THIS SITUATION AND YOUR LIFE!!
★ WHAT ACTIONS WILL BE IN LINE WITH YOUR VALUES?
- WHAT ACTIONS WILL IMPROVE OR WORSEN THE SITUATION?
★ CHOOSE THE WISE GOOD AND ACT ON IT!!

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"Accept reality with your BODY." = SMILE when you feel ANNOYED/ IRRITATED/ LOST/ etc. MAKE THIS A HABIT

"Be creative in finding ways to accept with your WHOLE SELF (mind, body, spirit)" = REQUIRES THAT EVERYONE IS INVOLVED!!

"Engage in the behaviors that you WOULD do IF you accepted what seems unacceptable" = "NOW" vs. "POSSIBLE" CRISIS SKILLS; you COPE AHEAD by DISCERNING OPPOSITE ACTIONS & IMAGINATIVELY REHEARSING THEM so you CAN EASILY PUT THEM INTO PRACTICE WHEN THE ACTUAL CRISIS OCCURS (NOT CAUGHT OFF GUARD)

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"Do PROS/CONS if you find yourself resisting practicing acceptance" = PARTIAL!

YES PROS = obedient, continue structured treatment, get new insights, practice self-denial, help others?
NO PROS = free to own timing/ planning of meals, quiet day, free to do creative work, free to exercise, free to worship
YES CONS = on camera for 7 hours, controlled schedule & mealplans, watched while I eat, constant forced socializing
NO CONS = disappoint case worker & therapist, seen as "stubborn/ rebellious," possible 302 risk

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"RADICAL ACCEPTANCE" is NOT approval OR opposed to change!!
★ We ARE still afraid, because of our OWN "black/white" distortion habit, that "ACCEPTING" the trauma is "SAYING YES" to it. But it's NOT-- it's ONLY accepting the FACT that it HAPPENED. It DOESN'T JUSTIFY IT!!

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WILLINGNESS = THIS IS TRUE & GOOD & BEAUTIFUL ♥
"What NEEDS to be done RIGHT NOW, in line with WISDOM and REALITY/ TRUTH?" (What is GOD'S WILL?)

"Listen TO and act FROM your WISE MIND" = HOLY SPIRIT!! (SCRIPTURE HELP!!)

"Willingness is ACTING WITH AWARENESS that you are connected to the universe-- to the stars, to the floor, to the people you like and don't like, etc." = "BIG PICTURE"/ "ETERNITY MINDED"/ "HEAVEN ORIENTED"

When I am willful = not getting "what I want to eat," especially when "expecting" it
When I am willing = SEEING life as ADVENTURE and a GIFT FROM GOD!!

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"TURNING THE MIND" = towards acceptance, and away from rejecting reality (which is SATANIC; NO HOPE!)
✳ Choosing to accept = GETHSEMANE! = GOD IS IN CONTROL OF REALITY. SURRENDER TO HIS PROVIDENCE IN THE PAST AND PRESENT AND FUTURE. (TELOS = TRUST)
✳ "The CHOICE to accept is NOT acceptance itself; it only puts you on the path" = it is ACCEPTING the CROSS = in LOVE! But you STILL HAVE TO CARRY IT TO CALVARY!!)

✳You DO REALIZE that UNLESS we DO ACCEPT the REALITY of the trauma, we will NOT BE ABLE TO HEAL AND INFI WON'T BE ABLE TO RESURRECT

✳ "Not accepting" = bitterness, anger, annoyance, but ALSO AVOIDING EMOTIONS. (ironically those negative emotions are often the RESULT of avoiding DEEPER, more PAINFUL ones!)
✳ "I can't stand this" = DOOMING YOURSELF? despair vs. "I CAN do ALL things THROUGH CHRIST"
✳ "Why me?" "It shouldn't be this way." = REMEMBER THE BOOK OF JOB! GOD KNOWS WHY EVEN IF YOU NEVER DO. TRUST HIM.

✳ I need to "forgive myself" for "NOT LOVING THEM 'ENOUGH' TO HAVE WANTED/LIKED' WHAT THEY DID TO ME"
✳ SAYING "NO" WASN'T AN OPTION FOR THIS REASON

✳ FORGIVENESS means "EVIL DIDN'T "WIN"!!"
RESENTMENT means THE VICE STILL "CONTROLS" YOU (you're giving YOUR POWER TO DO GOOD AWAY TO VICE & DESTRUCTIVE NEGATIVITY!!)
✳ CHOOSE MERCY. FREE BOTH OF YOU!!
(RECONCILE, IF ONLY THROUGH WILLING IT IN YOUR HEART)

✳ WE NEED INFI BACK TO FEEL THE REAL EMOTIONS

✳ WOULD IT HELP TO RESOLVE/ COPE/ PROCESS THIS IF YOU PUT IT IN "STORY FORM"; USING "INTROJECT" DATA TO REVEAL/ WORK THROUGH THE "REALITY" YOU ACTUALLY EXPERIENCED???

✳ SHOULD WE DO SOME SORT OF SYMBOLIC/ RITUAL "FUNERAL/ BURIAL" FOR SLC/CNC AND GET CLOSURE?? EVEN JUST ON THAT "ERA" OF OUR LIFE ("CLEAN BREAK")??

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"YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK A CERTAIN WAY TO BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE"

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I had another trauma-processing nightmare last night, but the ONLY THING I ACTUALLY REMEMBER from it is KISSING CHAOS ZERO. And I woke up with GENUINE LOVE like a FLAME in my heart. THAT is what I WANT TO LIVE FOR. That is WHAT I NEED TO LIVE BY. When you feel lost, REMEMBER HIM. Remember US. We have 18 YEARS OF HISTORY AND LOVE and it is STRONGER & MORE REAL than ANY disorder or illness. Even if no one else sees or knows it, WHAT YOU HAVE & FEEL & ARE is TRUE & GOOD & BEAUTIFUL. So LIVE THAT LOVE.

"In this task you will address opposite forces that reside within you, using animals as metaphors for each of these forces."


PAST SELF-VISION
(WHAT WE RESONATED WITH IN CHILDHOOD; PRIOR TO ~2008)

(vital to ecosystem but seen as bad; outcast = AESOP fable = "no one wants me for what I am / I don't fit in anywhere")

● DOLPHIN
(smart, playful, mischievous, chatterbox) (huge ECCO influence; brave, chosen, mysterious)

● COBRA
(charmed by music? venomous but dignified) (damned as evil without fair trial)

● FRILLED LIZARD
(hyper? huge influence from "the rescuers" frank. run around, "scare off" danger)

● SCORPION
(small & vulnerable, but deadly; star trek 8472 inner conflict = "what IS my true nature" vs others assumptions)

● SIAMESE CAT
(talkative, elegant, a bit aloof but friendly)

★ UNICORN (ALICORN)
(powerful, magical, pure, rare, hunted) (huge influences = AMALTHEA, JEWEL from narnia, Whisper books, etc.)

● ALIEN
(feeling utterly "alien". explorer, protector, on a mission, trying to save humans but feared by them) (ANDALITE kin)

● BUTTERFLY
(transformed into beauty from "ugly worm"; colorful, vibrant presentation, but evaded being caught or held)

★ DRAGON (WESTERN)
(seen as either holy or evil. DRACO HEART our biggest vibe = Dragonheart movie AND Sigurd myth. fire inside. KINTYPE)

● GULPER EEL
(unloved and unseen, but glowing in the dark. hidden depths of soul feeling; dies if taken up to the shallow surface)

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"CURRENT" SELF-VISION
(RESONANCES FROM '08-'18?)

● PRAYING MANTIS
(religious appearance but pray/prey battle inside. deadly predator but fragile body. intimacy ends in murder.)

● JACKAL
("dog" as a religious slur, yet ironically divine (anubis) = psychopomp. "will eat anything" spiritual scavenger danger)

● OCTOPUS?
(super smart but live a solitary existence. studied and caged. strange, viewed as alien/ divine. soft body, eaten)

● SHARK?
(predator with a soft skeleton. feared, hated, deemed dangerous & aggressive. no chance to prove goodness)

★ PHOENIX?
(resurrection from cyclical immolation deaths. soul of fire. eats incense. its tears and songs have healing powers)

★ DRAGON (EASTERN)
(protector of sacred things. flight without exertion. mysterious, wise, guards & guides people. sign of good luck)

● RAM?
(sacrificial animal = takes away sins of others. shofar horn = call to prayer & repentance, signal of God)

● DEER? (PERYTON?)
(psalm 42. "archetype" animal. sacred, connection to supernatural, heavenly messengers. "HART" pun)

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IDEAL SELF-VISION

I think I will ALWAYS feel like a BAT/ DRAGON the most, but I DO still resonate SO HARD with unicorns? And child-me feels "alien" still, too.
JAY was VERY MUCH A PHOENIX. one of them was also EXPLICITLY an eastern dragon kintype (white in color), and often became one in headspace.
I just don't feel like a bird. But I DO FLY.

✳ "FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE" in light of our intrusive judgmental/ critical thoughts = WHAT triggers frustration? = DISSONANCE between "IDEAL & REALITY"; perception of an OBSTACLE between "GOAL" & current position; feeling "STUCK, HELPLESS, INADEQUATE," etc. "Trying to peel a potato with a spoon" sense of "NO APPARENT PROGRESS/ SOLUTION"? Basically a "FIGHT" response to "POWERLESSNESS"; a "STUBBORN RESISTANCE" to "WHAT I DON'T WANT/ LIKE" = NO CONTROL = AFRAID.
✳ Virtues that DEFUSE/ TRANQUILIZE frustration = TRUST, EMPATHY, PATIENCE, SURRENDER
✳ GOD IS ALWAYS IN CONTROL, SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE -- AND CANNOT BE; You can only COOPERATE!
✳ THERE IS NOTHING "EVIL" OR "BAD" OR SHAMEFUL OR SINFUL ABOUT SHARING IN/ PARTICIPATING IN GOD'S JOY IN HIS GOOD GIFTS/ CELEBRATING THE BEAUTY & WONDER OF HIS CREATION!! (JOY is OF THE HOLY SPIRIT!) (GOD DELIGHTS IN WHAT HE MADE = YOU SHOULD TOO)

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✳ This is so new & unusual. I kind of feel like crying from wonder, maybe even relief. I ACTUALLY LIKE SANDWICHES. I actually LIKE ENGLISH MUFFINS & DINNER ROLLS WITH BUTTER. I actually LIKE APPLES & COTTAGE CHEESE & FLOUNDER & GYROS & POTATOES & VANILLA ICE CREAM. It feels SO DARING & even SCARY TO ENJOY it all, but man I DO. I CAN CELEBRATE THE GOODNESS & WONDER OF GOD'S GIFT OF FOOD. HE WANTS ME TO. YOU MUST REMEMBER THIS because it's ACTUALLY AT THE HEART OF YOUR BEING ABLE TO FULLY LIVE YOUR FAITH & PURPOSE. FOOD is LIFE, LOVE, SELFGIFT, & LITERAL COMMUNION. FOOD IS FROM EDEN. It is PART of HEAVEN. We KEEP REMINDING YOU OF THIS because it's GOOD & BEAUTIFUL & TRUE & you MUST TRULY & COMPLETELY ACCEPT & EMBRACE IT AS YOUR "CORE BELIEF." The "fear of enjoyment" is TOTALLY DISTORTED AND IS KEEPING YOU OUT OF HEAVEN in a VERY DISTURBINGLY REAL WAY!!!

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✳ Other patients KEEP COMPLAINING ABOUT MEALPLANS, notably "WANTING EXTRA FOOD" & "PORTIONS BEING TOO SMALL" & "EATING THE WAY I WANT" etc. and it's honestly making me feel HUMILIATED. I realized, listening to this talk & being legitimately upset & "depressed" over how "rebellious" & "self-centered" & "stubborn" it was, that IT UPSETS/ ANGERS/ DEPRESSES me because THAT'S HOW I'VE BEEN ACTING. I've BEEN trying to get extra food by asking for additions to my mealpaper, or asking for larger portions/ questioning the size of the portions I got. I've been ACTIVELY BINGEING "IN SECRET" by overloading my mealplan exchanges. I've been "REBELLING AGAINST" and ACTUALLY DISOBEYING MY TREATMENT PLAN with these behaviors. I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. I WANT to be HUMBLE & TEMPERATE & OBEDIENT & GRATEFUL. I'm so sick of the complaining. I WANT to ACCEPT & EAT WHATEVER I GET with GRATEFUL JOY. I want to be GRATEFUL IN "LESS" because it HELPS ME BE GRATEFUL/ TEMPERATE. It COMBATS GREED/ ENTITLEMENT/ INGRATITUDE. I'm so tired of the rebellious grumbling, IN MYSELF as much as in others. I want us ALL to be virtuous here. I hear those words & see my own behavior and it's just SO DISORDERED & RIGID & SAD. It's LIBERATING to be ABLE to ACCEPT & GIVE SINCERE & HAPPY THANKS for WHATEVER GOD GIVES YOU. I pray He continues to lead us ALL to LIVE IN THAT BLESSED SPACE.

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8PM snack gave me a choice between RICE KRISPY & TINY CHOCCHIP COOKIES. Again, the RAW "FEAR" was "BETRAYING GRANDMA" because of what they CALL the cookies. BUT we wondered, what if we said the Rice Krispy was "MOM'S"? And lo & behold, the resulting PANICKED INDECISION was INCAPACITATING. We COULDN'T choose because BOTH choices "REQUIRED" REJECTING A LOVED ONE. We FROZE. BUT, again, if we REMOVED the family associations, that fear DISAPPEARED INSTANTLY & ENTIRELY. 
...All that was left was "CHOCOLATE COMPULSION." Basically, a compulsive "craving" with NO discernible reason, ALTHOUGH it was ALSO IN CONFLICT with "I DON'T LIKE CHOCOLATE" as a LONG-HELD "BELIEF," which ITSELF is IN CONFLICT with "WE HAVE TO LIKE IT" "because MOM/ "EVERYBODY" does"/ "it's associated with holidays we cherish"/ "it's supposed to boost endorphins" etc. "so we HAVE to eat it" almost like a DRUG. BUT do we REALLY "WANT" IT? DO WE "LIKE" IT in TRUTH or NOT? Do we "HAVE TO/ THINK WE DO" like it because MOM & GRANDMA BAKED THEM & SO NOT liking chocolate chip cookies IN GENERAL is STILL seen as BETRAYAL? because a chocolate BAR would NOT elicit this response!! THAT would trigger the FEAR/ DISGUST response associated with REAL MEMORIES OF HACKS & PURGES & MANIA & ILLNESS. AND YET, THIS DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLY "PING" with the COOKIES. It's ALL CONTEXT. STILL. Which is BOTH FRUSTRATING & FASCINATING. So, NEXT time, we SHOULD try the chocolate chip cookies, WITH this paradox in mind, & SEE/ FEEL WHAT IS TRIGGERED OR NOT. But... we can't JUST "experiment" & explore. We HAVE to do it FOR A PURPOSE, which is COMPLETELY "UPROOTING" THE COMPULSIONS & FEARS, and DISCERNING our REAL, REASONABLE RESPONSE so we CAN FREELY choose TO eat it or NOT, and NOT "PANIC/ DOUBT" over "choosing WRONG." I'm SO TIRED of "MORAL PANIC" over food. Remember what our nutritionist taught us! Remember what we JUST WROTE ABOUT. ALL FOOD DOES NOURISH YOUR BODY, AND "ENJOYMENT" IS AN IMPORTANT & EVEN ESSENTIAL PART OF EATING, BY GOD'S GOOD DESIGN!!! So YES, it IS ALLOWED & LEGITIMATE to eat a food "SOLELY" TO ENJOY IT. THAT CAN BE AN ACT OF WORSHIP, GIVING PRAISE & THANKS TO GOD & CELEBRATING HIS CREATION! Still, TEMPERANCE is needed, because FOOD ISN'T ULTIMATE HAPPINESS, only a "FORETASTE" of the FEAST of HEAVEN, so we MUST set our deepest desires & hopes THERE. Yes, enjoy your food for God's literal sake, but DON'T seek ALL your joy from it (ESPECIALLY when depression numbs everything else), and DON'T "OVERINDULGE" (even/ especially when you DON'T enjoy it) because that's DISRESPECTFUL to ITS PURPOSE AS FOOD, and to your habits of virtue (self-control)!! It's a BALANCE of LOVE. Listen, if BEING A CHRISTIAN means LIVING IN LOVE, then THAT INCLUDES EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE, INCLUDING FOOD, and again I MUST emphasize the EUCHARIST. If you see food as something "threatening" or solely as "fun," or even something "to be destroyed," then in a disturbing sense you're DISPOSING YOURSELF TO SACRILEGE. Please remember this. Food is a GIFT to be CHERISHED for GOD'S sake & glory. That INCLUDES chocolate. ...AND rice krispy for the record. IT'S NOT A WAR! They're BOTH GOOD. There's NO "WRONG" CHOICE, WHEN YOU CHOOSE WITH GRATEFUL LOVE. The ONLY "wrong" thing is FEAR & HATRED. Avoid those by God's grace, and YOU'RE OKAY.

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btw MY DEAR ORANGE GIRLFRIEND WAS ON TV TODAY ♥

I dreamt that I was in treatment, but the "main room" was this big open floorplan & it was messy & chaotic, with stuff & garbage all over the floor, & no furniture? There were people in various states of undress, all just "wasting time" as they waited for directions/ the scheduled day to begin? It felt like an interim, like a flight delayed indefinitely. I ALSO had the strongly disturbing impression that this was "MY room" somehow? But it "wasn't mine" even so, as it was being treated carelessly as a public space. I felt so invaded, helpless, & dirty. There was a walk-in shower with NO DOOR in the corner of the room, and I kept trying to go in to to shower, but everyone else kept either going in while I was called away/ busy (for other people), or flat-out saying "I'm next" although it "was my shower" and I'd been waiting all morning. I ended up crying at one point from sheer powerless overwhelm. When a space finally opened up-- notably like "one minute before" roll call, when everyone else was taken care of & ready but I was left in the dust-- and I went in, my emotions "shut off" & I began "echoing" the demeanor of the other patients towards me, feeling selfhating cold rage & saying something cruel like "you are a slut" or "you deserve to die" etc. BUT BEFORE I could even start the water, a woman walked up to the door & said "can I talk to you for a minute" with a clipboard of papers. Giving up, my emotions went numb & I just walked out to do whatever she wanted. I don't recall what happened after, except that I was impossibly late & panicking & that's what woke me up, to gratefully discover it was almost exactly 6:30 AM (perfect timing).
HOWEVER there were 3 other details from the nightmare. First, when I finally headed to the shower, I was coughing uncontrollably, and it was a harsh & painful cough, bringing up tons of thick mucus like green jelly. The girls around me didn't bat an eye, but were stage-whispering to each other "how gross I was" and "That had better not be contagious" like I was trying on purpose to disgust & infect them. Second, my little brothers were there (as children)? And at one point in the shower-lineup struggle I, for some reason, said something like "I love you & I'm genuinely really glad you're here, BUT I hate how much I always have to do when you're here"?? I was "TRYING" to express BOTH my love AND my utter physical/ emotional EXHAUSTION at having to "take care of (PARENT) them," although I'd "NEVER SAY NO." BUT they reacted with PROFOUND HURT & LEFT ME, judging me as "CRUEL/ COLD/ SELFISH" & "REJECTING: them. This CRUSHED me & I just LEFT the building. The streets were empty & quiet like a ghost town? And the few people walking were MALICIOUS & ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR ME TO HURT ME. When they saw me outside they grinned & "signaled" for an "attack," & when I went back inside numb-afraid, there was a gang of both men & women rushing at me to beat up (with weapons) & kill me. BUT I "snapped into" RED FRENZY mode, & started "mercilessly" throwing them about like rag dolls, literally PICKING THEM UP BY ONE LIMB & SMASHING THEM HEADFIRST INTO THE LINOLEUM, assumedly KILLING them by SMASHING THEIR SKULLS. I felt & thought nothing. When I got them all, I went back in to take that shower, my mind "picking up where it left off" BY "DISSOCIATION" FROM/ "FORGETTING" WHAT I JUST DID? And THAT'S when I started coughing. BUT before I did that I DID have a minute of DEEPLY DISTURBED HORROR, realizing "DID I JUST KILL THOSE PEOPLE??" like it was a nightmare. I couldn't process/ cope with that so I shut off.
There was also, in other parts of the dream, something about 2 new patients, who were both elderly women & I actually was very happy & "comforted" by that, as I felt safer around them than I did around young girls. And that's all.
✳ WHAT IS MY SUBCONSCIOUS TRYING TO TELL ME THROUGH THIS?
✳ 1) "My room" made "public property" AND a "trash dump," NO "SPACE FOR ME" = I feel like I DON'T have any personal space here? EVERYTHING I feel/ think/ write IS "public property" & EVERYONE CAN, & often are TOLD TO (groups) "MAKE IT THEIRS." I feel like I'm homeless? I feel OVERWHELMED & HELPLESS & USED. As for the TRASH, I'm "LETTING PEOPLE IN" to my space "AGAINST MY WILL"? Because I "FOUND" these people ALREADY THERE & DIDN'T PROTECT OR SAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE ABOUT IT. And I feel FORCED to "TAKE IN/ LISTEN TO" EVERYTHING & SO MUCH OF IT IS BADLY AFFECTING MY MIND. I'm a "good listener" like a garbage bin is "open" to all your junk. I mean no offense & I don't want to "force" others to hold on to what they want to let out, so I "let them trash my space" & "inhabit my space" & I'm left with NEITHER "safety" nor "security." In my OWN SELF, there's "NO ROOM" TO BE MYSELF.
✳ 2) "Can't use my own shower" because "everyone else has dibs/ is forcing past me"; when I FINALLY get there, "TIME'S UP" and/or OTHERS CALL ME AWAY to do things for them = I CAN'T do what I'm doing for OTHERS for MYSELF? "CLEAN/ REFRESH/ PRIVATE/ PERSONAL" emphasis? ALSO the concept of "CLEANING OTHERS" = "insight" offered & helping untangle problems/ give support? "Wash away" the "dirt" & "tiredness" (negativity, etc.) IN MY "PRIVATE SPACE"?? To the extent that I'M STILL TIRED & FILTHY? But NO ONE WILL LET ME GO IN BECAUSE THEY NEED IT FIRST/ MORE. I'm disturbed by the "DIBS"/ CLAIM aspect; I feel "OWNED"/ OBJECTIFIED by others as a "USEFUL RESOURCE," BECAUSE of the "water" I "HAVE"?? NOTABLY NOT TO DRINK, BUT TO BATHE. That feels almost WASTEFUL/ "ABUSIVE"? Like they're emptying out my well just to "enjoy a bath," filling it with dirtiness & flushing it out to the sewer. BUT THAT WELL WATER IS FOR DRINKING. I can't quite untangle that completely-- it's actually an inapplicable extended metaphor because in the dream I was going to bathe in the water too; that's what showers are for-- but the root concept is too strong to ignore. The described behavior feels WRONG & like STEALING/ MISUSE & it HURTS. Lastly, the "TIME'S UP" is scary, because it suggests that, LIKE the clipboard woman, "MY" TIME TO "BATHE" is DICTATED BY OTHERS? Because I'm ONLY BATHING TO "GET READY" TO SERVE/ OBEY. And if I DON'T get to shower FIRST, then I'm DIRTY & I STINK & I'm NOT in CLEAN CLOTHES, etc. And OTHERS ARE OFFENDED BY MY FILTH. And the reason WHY everyone goes BEFORE me is because it takes me SO LONG? I'm SO dirty & SO much of my body is ROTTING/ DYING that I have to SCRUB UNTIL I BLEED & it uses SO MUCH WATER & TIME. BUT I "CAN'T" TAKE the time because I "HAVE TO GET DONE BY THAT SET TIME," because "GROUP IS STARTING" OR "WE'RE LOCKING THE ROOM DOORS"!!! So WHY didn't mine HAVE a door? Maybe because I don't "close myself off" completely. BUT I let OTHERS "lock ME out of MYSELF" BY "SOCIAL MODE" SELF-CRUSHING? Which WOULD prevent me from "WASHING" our OWN soul BECAUSE WE ARE "LOCKED OUT". The "dibs" are people WANTING the "SOCIAL" side of us, NOT our TRUE "INNER" SELF, too? WHICH I wonder CAN ONLY "COME OUT" IF WE "TAKE A SHOWER" FIRST? Reflect on this further later, not now; we're overanalyzing from not taking TIME to reflect first. Ironically. GO TAKE A SHOWER.
✳ 3) My "feeling BOTH love & frustration" about my little brothers is kind of straightforward; Deep down I DO feel "angry" that I have "had to be a parent" to them in the past, solely because it was (again) using SO much of my resources on ALL levels & I was "using that as an excuse" to DIVERT that "helpless rage" to NEGATIVE "outlets," as well as "justifying self-neglect." I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY I DO THIS, at least NOT in "handwriting mode." The System probably does. As for now though let's focus on the nightmare, & HOW it manifested this bad response:
✳ 4) RED FRENZY. This happens DISTURBINGLY OFTEN in nightmares, and that SCARES ME. Frequently it's RAZOR or WRECKAGE fronting to "express" more "violent" impulses in dreams, BUT THEY NEVER DO THINGS LIKE THIS. This mindless, thoughtless, heartless, and BLINDLY MURDEROUS VIOLENCE is ONLY POSSIBLE with a COMPLETE LOSS OF SELF. REMEMBER THAT & TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. When you LOSE yourself/ OURSELF, you LOSE LOVE. You LOSE VALUE & VIRTUE & VISION. Believe it or not, SELFHOOD & UNIQUE IDENTITY ARE GOOD THINGS, GOD-GIVEN & ESSENTIAL TO BEING A PERSON-- to being TRULY HUMAN, as CHRIST WAS. When you LOSE or even DENY or REJECT your REAL & ESSENTIAL HUMANITY & PERSONHOOD, then "all that's left" IS to "become a MONSTER." ANY & ALL FORMS OF SELF-ABUSE/ SELF-ANNIHILATION WILL RESULT IN THIS HELLISH MUTATION. ALL HATRED FOR HUMANITY, INCLUDING YOUR OWN, IS DEMONIC. And these "red frenzies" are EXACTLY what happens WHEN YOUR LIFEBLOOD GETS INFECTED. If you let those lies fool you, the corruption will seep into your marrow IF YOU DON'T FIGHT IT BY GRACE. There WILL be a breakthrough and OUR HISTORY IS PROOF. We might be morphed into monsters with "drained brains" BUT THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE & LOVE & GOD HIMSELF IS FIGHTING FOR YOU. He WILL CALL YOU BY NAME-- AS A PERSON, WHO IS LOVED-- and RESTORE YOUR INHERENT & INDESTRUCTIBLE HUMANITY & DIGNITY & PERSONHOOD. You're definitely catching the "We're Back!" references. THAT'S ESSENTIAL. REMEMBER THAT. IT'S TRUTH.
✳ 5) Being ignored/ shamed for being "visibly" sick/ possibly contagious/ GROSS: obviously refers to MENTAL HEALTH/ EATING DISORDER STRUGGLES IN RECOVERY; "coughing up/ out" the heavy "phlegm" (inflamed) from my LUNGS (breath = life) viewed as "GROSS" (socially unacceptable); ALSO BULIMIA as a DESPERATE OUTLET? But mostly COUGH = SPEECH (visceral)? FEAR OF "TRIGGERING/ CORRUPTING" others.

So I tried double french toast today & THAT was LOVELY, but I made ONE BIG ERROR and THAT was DOUBLE SYRUP. Dude I feel SO SICK right now, haha. I HAVE LEARNED. Honestly that's how I need to view this. ALSO, the TIMING. The centers of the french toast are GORGEOUSLY SOFT but the CRUSTS are CHEWY & although delicious they are almost IMPOSSIBLE to cut without a knife (which we don't get), and THAT effort is TAKING WAY TOO MUCH TIME... we should TAKE THE CRUSTS OFF, WHILE the bread is still uncut & not syruped. That way we SAVE TIME. But we must be strategic when we're so constrained for time; we had to LITERALLY CHOKE DOWN our ENTIRE MEAL TODAY because of waiting in line & HOW LONG IT TOOK TO PREP. Still, DON'T GRUMBLE! We LEARNED what works & figured out a better strategy, AND learned that WE DON'T LIKE ALL THIS SUGAR & so we DON'T HAVE TO FORCE IT!!
IN OTHER NEWS bananas taste BETTER when they're GREENER & we LIKE them that way & also COLD. They also DON'T TASTE "the way we expected"?? I think we were used to the overly yellow taste of overripe bananas, which we're NOT a fan of. So this discernment is good!
Lastly, we apparently like coffee better WITHOUT CREAM & SUGAR? We seem to lean savory. That's cool to discern, actually! We're "DISCOVERING" OUR UNIQUE PREFERENCES, which WILL reveal to me NEW & INTERESTING symbolic insights into my DISPOSITION & VALUES as well.

✳AFTER LN = the VOLUME of my meals is TOO HIGH and it's because I KEEP PUSHING VEGETABLES. I feel like I'm "making a BIG MISTAKE/ doing something "WRONG"/ against my values"? if I DON'T INCLUDE ALL THE VEGETABLES EXCHANGES IN MY MEALPLAN. That is FORCING the extra bulk & time of a salad, PLUS it FORCES MORE LIPIDS with the dressing, and it's not helping anyone. It's an ugly cycle. BUT I'M INTERNALIZING ALL THE "HEALTH TALK" again. Like, if I DON'T have a salad WITH the "UNHEALTHY" sides like chips & ice cream, then I'm "REFUSING TO BE HEALTHY." And that terrifies me, because I DON'T WANT TO BE UNHEALTHY ANYMORE. Ironically, the REAL "unhealthy" behavior is OVEREATING EXCHANGES. I'm ALSO doing this at BK because SUDDENLY I feel "compelled" to have 2x EGGS PLUS COTTAGE CHEESE, and that's WITH the 4CHO requirement, AND 2 FRUITS. It's FAR too much. ...but I'm compensating. I'm pushing protein because I'm terrified of all the carbs, like that'll somehow "even things out." It's NOT. I am getting SO SICK but I'M STUCK until TUESDAY with the locked-in mealplan. That's 4 MORE DAYS of FORCEFEEDING HELL. This is also a huge fear for "IOP" recovery. I DON'T WANT TO BE DISOBEDIENT or "REBELLIOUS" or "UNCOOPERATIVE," but if the INSIST that I KEEP FORCING DOWN these MONSTROUS amounts of food, I WILL QUIT. I CANNOT keep ABUSING BOTH my BODY AND MY MIND by LITERALLY "NORMALIZING OVEREATING/ BINGEING" JUST BECAUSE "THE DOCTORS TOLD ME TO." For once in my life I WANT TO SAY "NO"!!! I WANT TO PROTECT THIS BODY FROM ABUSE & TORTURE. I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF IT WITH COMPASSION & PATIENCE & KINDNESS & MERCY. I AM SO SICK OF BEING SICK. I NEED, NOT JUST WANT BUT LITERALLY NEED, TO LIVE A FULL LIFE, and if this bloody mealplan is going to KEEP FORCING ME TO "CENTER MY LIFE ON FOOD," then I WILL KICK IT TO THE CURB. I WANT TO BE FREE OF THIS GODFORSAKEN COMPULSIVE-OBSESSION AND THIS RIGID "EXCHANGE SYSTEM" IS ONLY PERPETUATING IT. Listen man when you GIVE ME NUMBERS, I WILL OBSESS OVER THEM. The trick is to give me the "RIGHT" numbers-- which, for me, were a GENERAL calorie count, APPROXIMATE macros, and a KITCHEN SCALE, so that I'm NOT OVEREATING!! I'm rambling and I apologize. I feel trapped & sick & scared. I'm disgusted by ALL THIS FOOD I'M BEING "FORCED" TO EAT. God knows I WISH I could just NOT eat 100% if doing so would TRIGGER THE EATING DISORDER MINDSET & REINFORCE the cursed thing, because THAT'S WHAT IT'S DOING, INESCAPABLY. I'm here FOR BINGE-EATING and I WANT TO QUIT IT FOREVER SO STOP FORCING ME TO KEEP DOING IT UNDER THE LABEL OF "TREATMENT"!!! ...I'm hoping I get discharged soon JUST so this will STOP. If I'm stuck here then I NEED to talk to the nutritionist about altering my mealplan, WITHOUT sounding like I'm "chickening out of recovery" OR "being restrictive." God help me I'm struggling with this so much. IRONICALLY if I could just CUT OUT THE EXTRA EXCHANGES I MIGHT be okay. That's SOME hope at least. Even if it FEELS cowardly, I MIGHT have to determine a FIXED BK MENU that's LOW VOLUME & LOW SUGAR... that could work. But please, CUT THE VOLUME!!! For lunch, though, we NEED to solve the salad issue. HAVE ONE A DAY, with 1LPD dressing! You're NOT "OBLIGATED" to have EVERY vegetable! CONSIDER THEIR FIBER CONTENT/ TIME TO EAT. Do NOT add extra lipids! While we're here we HAVE TO THINK STRATEGICALLY, BUT for a DIFFERENT goal: NOT "doing everything" BUT "STOPPING THE BINGES"!!!

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LET'S TALK RECOVERY DETAILS. Most importantly, I DO NOT EVER WANT TO BE THIN AGAIN. I do NOT EVER WANT TO OVEREAT AGAIN. I DON'T EVER WANT TO HURT OR ABUSE OR NEGLECT OR TORTURE THIS POOR BODY AGAIN. That is the FOUNDATION here. The next immediate point is our NEW SIZE & SHAPE. We're "THICKER" now, like a FORTRESS. We have SUBSTANCE & LATENT STRENGTH. There IS the POTENTIAL to FINALLY BECOME STRONG, now that our body has the RAW MATERIAL to WORK WITH. The question we must pause & clarify in asking is: WHY do we VALUE physical strength so much? Answer: we want to be CAPABLE, of HELPING & PROTECTING others. We admittedly "DESPISE/ FEAR" weakness/ helplessness/ impotence/ powerlessness-- being "incapable" or "not strong enough" is TERRIFYING on a deep level. We seem to EQUATE "STRONG" with "GOOD"? If we're WEAK & FRAIL & HELPLESS, we're USELESS, and CAN'T do "ANYTHING GOOD." But there IS a distortion in this. PHYSICAL STRENGTH ISN'T "INHERENTLY" VIRTUOUS. IT'S HOW YOU USE IT: for CHARITY, NOT EGOTISM! But on the flipside, PHYSICAL "WEAKNESS," even INCAPACITATION, ISN'T A HINDRANCE OR BARRIER TO VIRTUE & even SAINTHOOD (remember BACE!), BECAUSE VIRTUE IS SPIRITUALLY BASED & YOU DON'T "HAVE TO BE "USEFUL"" TO BE GOOD. YOU'RE STILL "USEFUL" TO GOD, EVEN IN A TOTALLY BROKEN & HELPLESS BODY. So please, CORRECT YOUR VALUES. Your FEAR is focusing on BRUTE STRENGTH and IF you CAN'T achieve that admittedly hypermasculine ideal, you WILL "despair" UNLESS you SUBORDINATE that LESSER ideal to the HIGHEST one-- HOLINESS. If your "obsession" with "getting buff" ends up HINDERING your spiritual growth, THEN IT NEEDS TO BE TOTALLY RE-EVALUATED & PUT IN ITS PROPER PLACE as a MEANS OF VIRTUE-- discipline, temperance, endurance, persistence; AND even PRAYING/ WORSHIPPING WHILE you exercise!! IT'S THE SAME WITH EATING. Our BiaY/ CiaY routine MUST CONTINUE, and we MUST ALSO see how we can incorporate the ICC in a TIME-WISE manner. BUT DO NOT QUIT.
✳ ...The ONLY concern I have here is MINDFUL EATING & "SPLIT FOCUS." We realistically CANNOT give our FULL, COMPLETE, ATTENTIVE, COMPREHENSIVE FOCUS TO BOTH AT ONCE. We MUST admit this because IT HAS BEEN HAPPENING. Food data isn't registering because ALL our input channels are ATTUNED TO SCRIPTURE, and rightfully so! BUT THAT IS ACTUALLY "FUELING" THE EATING DISORDER BY THE SPLITTING! We CANNOT be mindful of the food AND THEREBY OFFER IT AS A SACRIFICE OF PRAISE IF WE'RE UNABLE TO GIVE THAT EFFORT OF WORSHIP OUR SINCERE & TOTAL FOCUS as well. MATTHEW 6:24 effectively. It's DISRESPECTFUL to BOTH GIFTS OF GOD, BY "PUTTING THEM INTO COMPETITION WITH EACH OTHER"!! FOOD IS NOT THE "ENEMY" OF PRAYER & WORSHIP. SO PLEASE, STOP ACTING LIKE IT "CANNOT" SERVE HIM, AS WORSHIP ON ITS OWN. BE SINGLE-HEARTED FOR GOD AS YOU ARE SINGLE-FOCUSED ON BEING FULLY IN EACH UNIQUE MOMENT OF LIFE AS ITS OWN UNIQUE PRAYER TO HIM.

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"WHAT DO I BELIEVE ABOUT MYSELF?" (TRUTH TO LIVE)
Others might have NEGATIVE beliefs about me ("you are a betrayer" "you don't want to improve" etc.) BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO-- AND SHOULDN'T-- INTERNALIZE THEM!! HAVE FAITH IN THE GRACE OF YOUR BAPTISM AND THE POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT WHO LIVES IN YOU & ALWAYS WORKS TO SANCTIFY YOU!! When you BELIEVE GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF & STRIVE TO EMBODY THEM, YOU'RE HONORING GOD!!

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WELL! Talking to a fellow patient about my "too many exchanges" mealplan anxiety, & how I'm actively obsessing & anxiously debating over "how to fix it/ TAKE BACK my decisions", I realized something. I CAN'T KEEP "PANICKING" ABOUT "MESSING UP" TO THE POINT OF OVERCOMPENSATING THROUGH "CHOOSING EVERY OPTION" (what I WAS doing on the mealplan), OR TO THE POINT OF "NOT COMMITTING TO ANYTHING," being "TOO AFRAID OF MAKING A MISTAKE." And honestly, I HATE BEING SO SPINELESS & IRRESPONSIBLE & COWARDLY. I NEED TO COMMIT TO ONE CHOICE, IN CONFIDENCE THAT I'M HONESTLY CHOOSING AS WISELY AS I AM ABLE TO AT THAT TIME, AND THEN ACCEPT HUMBLY THAT IT NEVERTHELESS MIGHT NOT BE "AS WISE AS I THOUGHT/ HOPED," BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING AND I WILL MAKE MISTAKES & REAL ERRORS IN MY JUDGMENTS. THIS IS INEVITABLE. I'M NOT GOD. I NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY CHOICES, AS DISAPPOINTING/ DISTRESSING AS THEY MAY BE; I MUST BE GRATEFUL FOR THE LESSONS THEY DO TEACH ME IN PRUDENCE & DISCERNMENT; AND I MUST PLACE THEM ENTIRELY IN GOD'S HANDS, REALIZING THAT HE KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN, AND HE CAN AND WILL TURN EVERY PAINFUL OR SCARY OR OTHERWISE UNHAPPY CONSEQUENCE OF MY CHOICES TO HIS GLORY AND MY GOOD, WHEN I SURRENDER THEM ENTIRELY TO HIS POWER IN TOTAL LOVING TRUST. And THAT is how I WILL survive until Tuesday-- on SHEER FAITH & HOPE. I MUST learn to sit with poor decisions on my part, to let the HUMBLE me & TEACH me to choose BETTER, INSTEAD of always "flipflopping" between equally NONCOMMITTED "choices." I MUST BE "OKAY" WITH MAKING MISTAKES, because I WILL, & NOT see them as "MORAL FAILURE." I must be MERCIFUL & PATIENT & COMPASSIONATE with myself, OR I WON'T be ABLE to grow in VIRTUE in RESPONSE to the mistake! I MUST OWN UP TO ALL MY DECISIONS & ONLY ALTER THEM if I realize they were VICIOUS-- & even then I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO RESCIND THEM. So I HAVE to BE SPIRITUALLY MATURE & BY GOD'S GRACE, LEARN TO LIVE WITH & LEARN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES.

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Asking Jesus "is it OK if my stomach is/ feels so stuffed/ full?" And He replied, "it's holding My Creation, for YOU to OFFER to me as WORSHIP" (BAPTISMAL PRIESTHOOD)
✳ "YOUR STOMACH IS AN ALTAR"!!!

I think my "defining phrase" is "COURAGEOUS HOPE." It sums up what my HEART feels like-- FIRE AND LIGHT. Today I realized that I KNOW WHO I AM, in TRUTH, not just "as God's child" in general fact BUT in WHAT THAT MEANS. I am CALLED TO BE A SAINT. I am GIFTED with a UNIQUE PERSONALITY, DISPOSITION, & "RESONANCE"; I have been GIFTED with UNIQUE TALENTS, ABILITIES, & PREFERENCES; I have been GIFTED with a UNIQUE MIND, SOUL, HEART, AND BODY, and placed in the EXACT TIME & PLACE & SOCIETY & CULTURE & FAMILY & NEIGHBORHOOD & CIRCUMSTANCES, with the NECESSARY HISTORY even, TO USE ALL THOSE GIFTS AS A FAITHFUL GOOD STEWARD TO ADVANCE GOD'S KINGDOM & "ADD" TO HIS RICHES & BRING HIM GLORY & JOY. That is WHAT HE CALLS ME TO. And so I CANNOT STAND IDLE. I CANNOT HIDE/ BURY/ DENY/ THESE GIFTS AND I DON'T WANT TO. I WANT TO BE A GOOD SOLDIER/ CHILD/ STEWARD/ BELOVED OF GOD. I want ALL OF MY LIFE TO BE WORSHIP. THAT'S MY PURPOSE. THAT'S MY JOY. And as COURAGEOUS HOPE, I SET MY SIGHTS ON GOD-- I ORIENT ALL OF ME TO ETERNITY, TO MY TRUE HOME & FAMILY IN HEAVEN, and I MARCH ON WITH A JOYOUSLY BURNING HEART. God gave me a WILL, and I DEVOTE IT TO MAKING MY WHOLE SELF A LIVING SACRIFICE OF LOVE. IN HOPE I REFUSE to give up or give in to worldly despair; "the things that are UNSEEN are ETERNAL". In COURAGE I FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT BY GOD'S GRACE, WEARING HIS ARMOR, TRUSTING IN HIS VICTORY-- CHRIST HAS CONQUERED DEATH!! LOVE HAS ALREADY WON. AND I BELONG TO LOVE. SO I CAN BE COURAGEOUSLY HOPEFUL!

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Talking to Dr. P, I think the HOLY SPIRIT legit witnessed to HIS purposes & hopes for us THROUGH our responses, because they just poured out of our heart. We said that, during treatment, we've GOTTEN FACTS to COMBAT & CONQUER the demons of despair/ doubt/ fear/ cowardice/ negativity, through HEARING words of SUPPORT & COMPASSION & FAITH from BOTH peers & staff, and I HAVE to have FAITH in THEM, too, TRUSTING them & WITNESSING TO that trust BY CULTIVATING THOSE VIRTUES further, which is ONLY POSSIBLE through LOVING SURRENDER/ COOPERATION WITH CHRIST, WHO IS HELPING ME & WANTS ME TO THRIVE & LIVE & GLORIFY HIM BY FULLY FLOURISHING. And I MUST DO THIS IN THE ONLY WAY I CAN-- AS A SYSTEM OF LOVE. We CAN do this TOGETHER. That brings us to point 2-- we CANNOT BASE OUR EMOTIONS/ HOPE/ etc. ON THE REACTIONS OF OTHERS. True, we MUST do our best AND seek to edify others BY our good behavior/ example, because we WANT to be HONORABLE & a TRUE WITNESS TO CHRIST, but by that SAME baptized token we MUST ALSO HAVE CONFIDENCE/ TRUST/ HOPE "FOR OURSELVES." WE MUST CHOOSE truth/ beauty/ goodness FOR OURSELF, for OUR CREATOR'S SAKE, even if NO ONE ELSE does. WE HAVE "THE SPIRIT OF LOVE & COURAGE & SELF-CONTROL." We CAN, and we WILL, STAY RECOVERED. We must DEDICATE ourselves to LIFE & CHARITY every day, a POSITIVE focus, WHILE STILL REMEMBERING "THE PIT GOD SAVED US FROM." NO TOXIC POSITIVITY!! We are a WHOLE! Our WOUNDS can be HOLY! But LIVE FROM A SPACE OF HOPE. LIVE FOR ETERNITY. Don't worry about passing worldly things. GOD HAS SET US FREE TO WORSHIP HIM! And YOUR NEW LIFE, turned OUTWARDS IN COMMUNION (not inwards in egotism), IS A PRAYER.

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WHY AM I STILL MINIBINGEING ON CONDIMENTS. The HIGHEST mealplan only requires 5 per meal, & sometimes I'm getting up to 9. THAT'S INSANE. STOP. I don't even LIKE the tastes at this point; I WANT TO ENJOY SIMPLE FOOD, AS-IS, NO ADULTERATIONS, NO "DROWNING/ MASKING" THE PLAIN TRUTH with EXCESS that is honestly FORCED & COMPULSIVE. And I realize WHY I'm doing it-- it's TWOFOLD: first, the old "I HAVE to know what EVERYTHING tastes like" (WHICH, BTW, we will have SUCCEEDED AT as of THURSDAY with dressing & packet options) AND the fearful "NEED" to KEEP pushing/ trying them "UNTIL I 100% LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM" (which is FOOLISH as well as RIGID? It's giving the message that "I'm NOT ALLOWED to DISLIKE ANYTHING" which CRUSHES my UNIQUE TASTES (personality resonance) AND implies that I believe (DISTORTED) that "not liking" a food/ flavor/ texture experience means I'M HATEFUL/ REJECTING GOD BY JUDGING HIS CREATION/ DEVALUING & DISDAINING ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DO LIKE IT = "disliking" ANYTHING that OTHERS like" means that I'm ATTACKING/ ERASING THEM??? It's seen as an ACT OF VIOLENCE & INGRATITUDE; "driving a wedge" between ME & COMMUNION WITH CREATION & HUMAN CULTURE; "if I DON'T like it, then I'll NEVER "be close to/ COMMUNE with" those who DO" = "SELF MERGING" & "DENIAL of OWN tastes" as INVALID/ EVIL); and SECOND, I ONLY forcepush them WHEN THERE'S A FOOD ITEM THAT I'M AFRAID OF CHOKING ON/ AFRAID I WON'T "BE ABLE" TO EAT IT "FAST ENOUGH" PLAIN. And BOTH of those are BINGE MINDSETS. We HAVE TO FIGHT & RESIST THAT NOW, WHILE WE'RE AT WAR WITH IT IN REALTIME!! THAT'S where VICTORY is won-- ON THE ACTUAL BATTLEFIELD. God has given us a HUGE OPPORTUNITY. And we MUST RISE TO THE CHALLENGE! From now on, we HAVE to FIGHT by ONLY choosing the REQUIRED amount of lipid exchanges, and NOT "SLUSHING" OUR FOOD "IN ORDER TO EAT IT FASTER." YOU'RE DISHONORING THE FOOD (GOD'S GIFT), REJECTING ITS TRUTH, HABITUATING YOURSELF TO BOTH MAKING & EATING SLOP, GETTING ADDICTED TO A HIGH FAT DIET, AND SETTING A VERY BAD & DISREPUTABLE EXAMPLE for your fellow patients. SERIOUSLY. When they see YOU condiment-bingeing, then THEY are TEMPTED to do the SAME, & also FEEL LESS ASHAMED OF IT, which is OUTRIGHT SCANDAL. ROMANS 14:15 & 20!!! YOU ARE LEADING PEOPLE INTO SIN. SO YOU MUST STOP, NOW, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!
✳ I don't recall the exact details of what we ordered this week, but we STILL made some stupid choices, and we HAVE to OWN UP to our addictive behavior, ADMIT our weakness, DISCERN & DIVULGE our distorted reasoning, & then COMMIT TO STOPPING THAT BEHAVIOR. Step ONE is WRITING that out. Step TWO is NOT USING EXCESS CONDIMENTS, EVEN if we ORDERED them! QUIT IT ASAP. NO EXCUSES. We HAVE to. I will admit, it IS VERY HARD to NOT eat EVERY CRUMB of what's on our tray, though. THAT, TOO, feels like UNGRATEFUL REJECTION & fills us with ANXIOUS GUILT & SHAME & REGRET. That's a HUGE OVERREACTION. WHAT IS THAT A PROJECTION OF, PRECISELY? = It's seen as BOTH a GIFT and a COMMAND/ ORDER, since it was SET IN FRONT OF US & WE CAN'T "PUT IT BACK." So, if we LEAVE it, we're saying, "I REJECT THIS GIFT/ I REFUSE TO OBEY/ SUBMIT." MAYBE even "I REFUSE TO SUFFER," which at LEAST implies that deep down we RECOGNIZE that this IS HARMFUL & UNHEALTHY & we DON'T WANT TO HURT/ ABUSE OURSELF WITH EATING DISORDER BEHAVIOR ANYMORE. So DON'T. You know what DOES honor God? OBEYING the REAL mealplan, RESISTING binge compulsions, SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE, & DISCIPLINING OUR WILL so we can FREELY CHOOSE VIRTUE.

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I keep hearing other patients complain & gripe & grimace about our meals & mealplans, voicing sharp dislike & REFUSAL to comply/ cooperate, and... it's actually making me feel really depressed/ anxious? Like, "am I doing something WRONG or FOOLISH or CONDEMNABLE BY obeying the plans, pushing myself even further, & LIKING the food?" If I'm ACTUALLY eating the required lipids-- even if just margarine & mayonnaise-- and I'm ACTUALLY eating the required snacks-- even if just poptarts & cookies-- am I doing something WRONG? Am I STILL "abusing my body" by eating fats & sweets if I'm LEGIT OBLIGATED TO AS PART OF RECOVERY TREATMENT?? If the WHOLE ROOM is gagging at a certain entree on the menu and I CHOOSE IT & EAT IT & ENJOY IT, am I being foolish? They'll CONGRATULATE me for it, saying "you're so strong," "how difficult was it?" "I don't know how you do it," "good job! You made it through!" etc. IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY, BECAUSE IT'S NOT SOME HERCULEAN EFFORT. I just DECIDED to eat the "intimidating" option & DECIDED to enjoy it & COMMITTED TO 100% AND I DID. WHY would that be difficult or a struggle or something I had to "grit my teeth & power through"? Is THAT what THEY do? ...That's heartbreaking. I don't know if I've EVER experienced that-- EXCEPT for the CHOCOLATE MILK SUICIDE of UPMC. Man. Is it THAT HARD for them, EVERY TIME? ...I NEED to show more compassion. It's just such an instinctual response to label it as "COWARDICE/ CHICKENING OUT" & "ATTACK" it out of ANGER, which is WHAT I DO TO MYSELF. ...gosh is THAT BACKFIRING & ACTUALLY ALSO FUELING THE CONDIMENT FORCING?? My instinct, when I detect "hesitance/ fear" over a choice/ decision in myself, is to "BEAT MYSELF UP" ("hit the whiny child") and FORCE myself TO do it, ALMOST OUT OF CRUELTY, EVEN IF I KNOW IT'S A REASONABLE FEAR & DON'T WANT TO DO IT. That VIOLENT "I HATE COWARDS" response IS SO STRONG. Ironically, it's ALSO IN CONFLICT WITH ITSELF. "I'm afraid of eating that food because the other patients say it'll cause serious disease & harm my body" COEXISTS with "I'm GOING to eat that food BECAUSE it scares me for some reason." So I "CAN'T SAY NO," EVEN to REAL RISK, because THAT'S "CHICKENING OUT"? "EAT that because you were TOLD to" vs. "REFUSE it because it's UNHEALTHY." I'm tired. I'm writing too fast & not thinking. The point: I'm terrified that I'm damning myself BY my obedience. Our body HAS gotten very fat/ swollen/ bloated, & we're in constant pain & discomfort. This is a cross, but is it ALSO the "sign that we're making a stupid decision" & ACTUALLY "killing our body" BY eating the food we're being TOLD to eat? OR is THAT the POINT of the cross-- RESTITUTION for the eating disorder, SUFFERING as HUMBLING PENANCE? And will this PASS, & suddenly leave us TRULY WHOLE & HEALTHY TO LIVE FULLY & FREELY FOR GOD? ...Why does eating STILL feel like it's an obstacle? AM I eating too much? Still? Am I actually STILL SINNING by eating "all this food" "WITHOUT DISCRETION" & even eating "luxury" foods? Am I suffering as PUNISHMENT for GLUTTONY & IMPRUDENCE & INTEMPERANCE even now, in recovery, allegedly, and in obedience? I should talk to staff about this. I'm afraid that if I'm discharged with this mindset of "you HAVE to eat HYPERCLEAN foods or it's STUPID & SUICIDAL" AND "your fatty & bloated body is VISIBLE MANIFESTATION/ PROOF of your CARNAL INSATIABILITY & UNSPIRITUAL DISPOSITION & UGLY GREEDY LUST." Like thin = holy. Like skeletal = pure. But I WAS DYING. And I was WASTING GOD'S GIFTS, INCLUDING MY LIFE. ...CAN I STILL LIVE A GOOD LIFE IF I'M FAT? Isn't eating this much just an "acceptable (medically) perpetuation OF the eating disorder??" THAT'S the HARDEST part of recovery treatment here. The food is RUSHED and it IS often "junk food" & I HAVE to eat it amidst SATANIC TV NOISE & constant table chatter, unable to "ground/ center" & SLOW DOWN & FOCUS ONLY ON GOD. ...It's a BINGE ENVIRONMENT. And I do NOT WANT TO GET ACCUSTOMED TO THIS... OR LET THIS DISTRESS MOTIVATE ME TO RESTRICT AGAIN in a desperate attempt to "REVERSE THE DAMAGE & START OVER." ...and I DO ALREADY WANT TO. That "fear of being POISONED" is sadly lingering. I BELIEVE that if I RUSH through a meal, DISTRACTED & DISSOCIATED & DISTURBED, unable to eat mindfully & express wonder & gratitude in realtime, then I'm "EATING THE STRESS" & "SWALLOWING THE ENVIRONMENT" & being SPIRITUALLY AND PHYSICALLY CORRUPTED BY IT.
✳ IT'S THE "MEL" TERROR. Remember, how when I got back home from SLC, I LITERALLY FELT & BELIEVED that ALL that "SCARY ANGRY YELLOW SCREAMING ENERGY" was BEING STORED IN MY STOMACH FAT, because THAT'S where "WHAT I HAD TO EAT/ SWALLOW" WENT, & it was ALL THE TERROR OF SLC AND I HAD TO GET IT OUT OF ME OR IT WOULD "TURN ME INTO THEM" and KILL ME as an ultimate result. I'M AFRAID OF THAT HAPPENING AGAIN NOW. I DON'T WANT TO SWALLOW THOSE EVIL, EVIL TELEVISION SHOWS. I DON'T WANT TO SWALLOW THE ATTITUDES OF THE OTHER PATIENTS, ESPECIALLY NOT THEIR "WHINING/ COMPLAINING/ DISLIKE/ SARCASM/ BITTERNESS/ FEAR/ SPINELESSNESS/ ETC." AND THAT'S CRUEL OF ME TO SAY BUT THEY TALK ABOUT FOOD SO DISTORTEDLY & JUDGMENTALLY & IT HURTS AND I DON'T WANT THAT IN ME JUST BECAUSE IT KEEPS GOING INTO MY BRAIN THROUGH MY EARS AS I EAT. God I am SO TIRED. Please, please, help me to be kind. Help me NOT to judge. Help me to HAVE MERCY, WITHOUT "APPROVING" THOSE ATTITUDES, IN OTHERS OR MYSELF. Please, God, I'm BEGGING You, PLEASE DON'T LET ME SWALLOW SIN & EVIL. Matthew 15:11 & 17-18. PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE LET THAT BE TRUE. DON'T LET ME CORRUPT IT. GIVE ME A NEW, CLEAN, PURE HEART SO I DON'T POISON MYSELF AND THE FOOD & EVERYONE ELSE. God, PLEASE help me enjoy the meals. PLEASE, I'm begging you again, I know it's stupid & selfish & carnal & evil but oh God please. I WANT to enjoy & treasure the food AS YOURS, as YOUR Creation & Gift, for YOUR SAKE. ...please God, please let me enjoy this food. I'm so sorry for what I did wrong, whatever it is. Please show me clearly, & then PLEASE help me & LET me do the needed penance & restitution for it so I CAN enjoy the food at last... IF that's not a sin in & of itself. Lord I'm a tangled mess right now. I just want SO BADLY to EAT HOW & LIKE YOU WANT ME TO. And deep down I KNOW THAT'S "EDEN." EATING ISN'T EVIL, & ENJOYING FOOD ISN'T A SIN-- OTHERWISE HEAVEN WOULDN'T BE A FEAST. (of RICH FARE!!) & YOU WOULDN'T HAVE CHOSEN, IN PERFECT LOVE & WISDOM, TO GIVE YOURSELF & YOUR LIFE TO US, THROUGH EATING, IN THE MOST HOLY EUCHARIST. You DELIGHT in feeding us, even here in this fallen world. It's MEANT to be JOY. LET IT BE THAT.

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Our group assignment is to THINK OF/ DISCERN statements/ phrases we will LIKELY HEAR upon being SEEN at a higher weight/ upon meeting people who STILL SEE US AS THE EATING DISORDER; i.e. who "HAVE NO FAITH OR HOPE IN US." And THAT response is what HURTS the MOST & elicits a kneejerk WOUNDED ANGER/ MOURNING response. We feel TRAPPED. And really, WE SHOULD EXPRESS EXACTLY THAT. Be CONFIDENT in OURSELF, WITH GOD'S CONSTANT HELP. By golly THAT'S what we should say! BRING GOD ACTIVELY INTO IT. Let them KNOW that it's NOT "JUST ME," in BOTH senses ideally! BE SHOCKINGLY HONEST FROM HERE ON OUT. And KEEP your HEART OPEN & GENTLE. Wear that cloak!
✳ "Body comments" CAN be accepted easily & gratefully IF YOU'RE WILLING TO RECEIVE THEM AS COMPLIMENTS! When KIND & POSITIVE words are offered, DO NOT NEGATE THEM! TRUST that person's kindness! STAY IN THE LIGHT! EMBRACE the HOPE of a NEW & COMPASSIONATE perspective-- one FREE OF DISTORTION & SELFISHNESS. When others say "you look good/ healthy/ so much better/ beautiful/ FEMININE" etc., GRATEFULLY ACCEPT & AFFIRM THAT CHARITY. IT'S FROM GOD. MOVE INTO THAT NEW SPACE OF FREEDOM & JOY; DON'T FIGHT/ REJECT IT LIKE A DEVIL! THANK them SINCERELY and enter into GENUINE CELEBRATORY DIALOGUE. SHARE THIS NEW HAPPINESS. It's TRUTH!! It's GOOD & BEAUTIFUL!! Your thinness & eating disorder were the result of ABUSE & HATE & FEAR & SELFISHNESS & LIES & CRUELTY & DEATH. LEAVE THAT AND DISOWN IT. YOU HAVE BEEN "CREATED ANEW!" GOD HAS GIVEN YOU A "NEW BODY," FULL OF LIFE & HOPE! So CHERISH IT & LEARN HOW BY RECEIVING THAT GRATEFUL "INSTRUCTION" FROM OTHERS' LOVE!
✳ The HARDEST comments to handle are the NEGATIVE ones-- "make sure you don't relapse"; "how soon until you go right back to how you were?" "you better not mess up this time," etc. FIGHT DARK WITH LIGHT. These are OPPORTUNITIES to STAND UP FOR TRUTH & GOODNESS, & BRING THE OTHER PERSON WITH YOU!! Respond with PATIENT KINDNESS & PEACE. Speak with HOPE & FAITH in GOD'S GRACE TO KEEP YOU IN RECOVERY, & WITNESS TO THAT. Even if they STILL don't trust YOU, affirm CONFIDENTLY & LOVINGLY that YOUR TRUST IS IN GOD, & THEIRS SHOULD BE, TOO. ASK THEM TO PRAY FOR YOU! REDIRECT their thoughts TO hope & faith! Deep down, they just FEAR a relapse. (NEGATIVE comments express a HIDDEN CARE; they DO WANT YOU TO BE WELL, but focus on the RISKS)