prismaticbleed: (shatter)

A sudden, important thought:

We haven't had a REAL "self-image" since 2003.
We literally couldn't draw ourselves ALL through high school, UNTIL ~2009, when we CUT OUR HAIR and specifically identified as neutrois. Even then it was smothered by dysphoria.
The coreshift "made us male" for ~8 years BUT IT DIDN'T STOP THE EATING DISORDER.

Nevertheless, the point is:

We ALSO DON'T SEE OUR "INNER SELF" AS ANOREXIC.
We DON'T "identify" with that kind of bony, "willowy" & "waifish" figure, AT ALL. It even disgusts some of us.
So WHY are we doing that TO THE BODY??

Honestly this "thicker" base MIGHT WORK, if we look at it as SOLIDNESS, NOT "FAT."
We've always admired strong, muscular forms, EVEN if they're "bigger than us."
We ARE "scared of being BIG," but there IS a middle ground we keep forgetting.
Maybe we CAN work with this.

★ TRY "drawing us." See WHAT ACTUALLY "CLICKS," even only a little.

★ Look up and FIND "role models" / "IDEAL" body shapes OF OUR "IDEAL WEIGHT" SHAPE.
(MEWTWO FITS THIS. I'M SERIOUS.)
(DON'T FORGET JASPER & BISMUTH!)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHAT IS LOST

Nothing of true value is ever truly lost. Remember that.
But OH BOY did I EVER lose a lot of money. The binges could not admit or acknowledge how much CASH was being vomited up every day-- an average of $20, which is a MINIMUM OF $600 PER MONTH! That's my ENTIRE POST-RENT SSI CHECK.

I lost so much time. I lost so much peace. I lost all my freedom, considering how ADDICTED I was.
I spent HOURS on EACH "step" EVERY DAY-- hours obsessing over "what to buy," hours spent shopping & "running away" from myself, hours spent preparing & cleaning, hours spent eating it all, hours spent throwing it up, hours spent trying to "reset" afterwards. Every minute of my day was devoured by it. I couldn't stop the obsessive, intrusive, anxious & desperate ruminations.
I lost so much sleep. I lost almost all hope.

My family lost all patience with me. They lost all their trust in me.
I was forbidden from even taking a can of peas for myself. I was excluded from family meals. I became "identified" with both food and the disordered abuse of it. My family treated me as if the disorder was intrinsic, inevitable, incurable.

I lost all respect for myself. I, too, began to see myself as terminally ill, damned to die like that.
I felt "unworthy" to do, like, choose, want, or experience ANYTHING "good," "pure," or "enjoyable." I saw myself as filth incarnate, disgusting & subhuman, doomed to destroy everything that I touched.
I lost all interest in life. I rejected & abandoned all "interests," hollowing myself out even more. The very thought of tainting those once-beloved things with my diseased presence was unbearable. I gave up & gave in to the sickness.

I lost all my "friendships" and ironically that was the one thing I WANTED to happen.
The eating disorder made me so intolerable, so unhealthy, so miserable, that no one wanted to be around me.
I isolated & hid food & stole money & ate everything in the apartment. I became a curse.
Eventually they no longer saw me as "desirable" and I COULD ESCAPE.
But I stayed trapped in the disorder, terrified of future threats, and burying myself in food, condemning myself to a "living death" as long as I felt incapable of facing the reality of my life.

I ALMOST lost my life, literally.
But I DID lose what made life worth living.

Still. Just because I lost it doesn't mean it was gone, just missing. Just misplaced. Just forgotten.
Recovery is about resurrection.
There IS Life, even after such a death. Keep going.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PROS & CONS

List the negative consequences of the eating disorder.

+ OBSESSIVE/ COMPULSIVE
+ MISERABLE from the whole damn cycle
+ No money, always "trying to get/ earn more"
+ No time to type or do Leaguework or Spotify
+ Up until 3AM sometimes; no good dreams
+ Blood sugar hell, constant diarrhea, always tired?
+ MORAL DESPAIR/ MORTALITY PANIC
+ Always felt filthy, guilty, ashamed, out of control
+ Constantly re-traumatizing

List the positive aspects of the eating disorder.

+ Religious hyperfocus; NO "secular" shame
+ Body "stays" empty/ "clean"/ PURE
+ Feel light, unburdened, untouched
+ Disconnect from past/ body? partly?
+ Routine, ritual, orderly, structured, timed?
+ Totally distract from anxiety & panic
+ Total, "safe" sensory absorption; controllable
+ DISSOCIATIVE ANCHOR for mental refuge
+ Hours of "hand work" = chopping, picking, etc.

List the personal benefits that you expect if you change.

+ Re-accepted by family; able to BE with them again
+ Time to do CREATIVE THINGS! And LEARN MORE!!
+ No longer ashamed to EXIST; able to accept LOVE
+ Reconnect to System life as a WHOLE, and LIVE IT!!
+ Proper management of time & finances
+ No longer slave to compulsions/ obsessions/ rituals
+ Body stronger, able to help others and do HARD WORK!
+ Able to SLEEP & DREAM!! Proper bed/ wake times too!
+ No longer terrified of food & eating?? Food is "just fuel" now
+ I can FINALLY READ ALL MY BOOKS!
+ Use HEALTHY, EFFECTIVE coping skills for trauma/ stress
+ No more unending moral panic/ compulsive sins/ GUILT
+ Freedom. Day no longer "revolves around" binge/ purge cycle.

List the personal costs that you expect if you change.

NEW obsession with "eating PROPERLY/ NO MISTAKES"!!!
+ HAVE to face trauma symptoms; NO NUMBING
+ Need a new way to occupy my chop-happy hands
+ TOTALLY NEW LIFE; can feel overwhelming & lost?
+ Can't hide from the world/ avoid social interaction
+ HAVE TO EAT REGULARLY, even in evening/ on road
+ The body WILL get bigger & less sharp; will be heavier
NO MORE "EXIT DOOR" FOR DUMB DECISIONS, DISCOMFORT, STRESS, OR ANXIOUS PANIC; SO NO FOOD MISTAKES ALLOWED!!!
+ Face "purposeless" terror of daily life
+ "TOO MUCH STUFF"; no more emptiness?
+ Need to invent NEW routine/ schedule/ order
+ GENDER DYSPHORIA DOOM

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DIALOGUE WITH "ED"

What does your eating disorder look like to you?



What does the image of your eating disorder say about yourself?


+ If you make a mistake while eating-- if you do something wrong-- YOU become wrong & poisoned and you MUST GET IT OUT!!!
+ You are a greedy, ugly, sloppy, gluttonous PIG and you DESERVE to choke to death on your vomit/ starve to death. God is disgusted by you.
+ Food is sex. If you eat you are a slut and a whore. If you enjoy it you deserve to die. I will rip out your stomach if you even try to eat.

Write what "ED" might say to you now, and how you would respond.

ED:
This body HAS TO BE LIGHT & BONY. We need to have SHARP EDGES and NO UGLY ROUND SHAPES. A big heavy body is a PRISON. A "curvy" body is GROSS & EVIL & INTRINSICALLY PROMISCUOUS.
YOU:
A "big body" can also be a TANK or FORTRESS to FIGHT EVIL. "Curves" are NOT doomed to sexuality. THAT'S THE MEDIA'S LIE.

ED:
"We can't eat that food/ flavor; it's POISON/ EVIL/ BAD!!!" (especially "Sugar WILL KILL US")
YOU:
Food is intrinsically INNOCENT. It LITERALLY CANNOT "BE EVIL." Flavors aren't poison. Carbs & sugar aren't poison! They are NUTRIENTS your body USES. BUT YOU DON'T "HAVE TO" EAT OLD/ SPOILED/ CONTAMINATED FOOD!!

ED:
"We must LIMIT our diet options to stay simple/ avoid overwhelm" (i.e. sticking to like... three foods)
YOU:
We STILL NEED NUTRITIONAL VARIATION TO BE HEALTHY! Yes, it's good to not go overboard with novelty; that IS foolish. BUT SO IS REFUSING TO TRY NEW THINGS.

ED:
"There are TOO MANY CHOICES and I can see a threat potential in ALL OF THEM. So I MUST either AVOID THEM ALL, OR EAT THEM ALL TO CHALLENGE THE FEAR."
YOU:
ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING IS DISTORTED! WHAT THREAT do you see? Pause & THINK IT THROUGH; it's probably NOT a REAL threat! STOP CHALLENGING FEARS BY FORCING. It will ONLY make unresolved/ unidentified fears WORSE, and IS WHY WE HAD SO MANY BINGES!!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LONGER-TERM RECOVERY GOALS

One year from now...

+ To be able to freely & fearlessly share a meal with my family, AS-IS
+ To be a "regular" at a nice local restaurant
+ To have remodeled my apartment to feel safe & reflect my unique personality
+ To be able to play through the WHOLE first Suzuki cello book
+ To have FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE MORALIMON SPECIE/ TYPECODE SYSTEM
+ To be able to say, "I'm ONE YEAR CLEAR!!" 

Five years from now...

+ To have published at least two albums, even just online
+ To have published at least one book, WITH a barcode!
+ To have a website, even a little one
+ To have FRIENDS that ACTUALLY VIBE with my interests & religious beliefs
+ To be in a LEGIT orchestra AND choir, ideally
+ To have an established online creative presence & portfolio

Ten years from now...

+ To be ACTIVELY working in a creative "career"?
+ To get a song on the radio, or professionally recognized
+ To VISIT GIMMELWALD
+ To have at least one Leagueworld LEGIT PUBLISHED
+ To freakin' MARRY CHAOS 0 ALREADY, COME ON SONICTEAM
+ To be truly, totally grateful for life, the universe, & everything. ♥ Happy 42 kiddo!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THOUGHT/ EMOTION/ PHYSICAL SENSATION RECORD

Record T/E/Ps that bother you, then notice & record how you typically react to those T/E/Ps.

+ "I'm scared to eat sugar" = Avoid sugar if possible, even to extremes
+ Post-meal nausea = Dissociate, distract/ USED to immediately purge/ take meds
+ "What do I do/ What should I do" panic = List pros & cons; consider goals & motives; consult System
+ Environmental triggers = Try to escape or force change; if cannot, self-abuse or give in to E.D.; MELTDOWN, DISSOCIATE
+ Shame over "filthiness" = Try to clean self desperately; self-abuse if cannot; dissociate/ hide
+ "I have so much WRONG with me" = Dissociate entirely/ lose self-awareness OR self-abuse
+ "This food reminds me of trauma" = Try to avoid eating it; otherwise "force it" & dissociate HARD
+ Anxious "wanting to vomit" from nerves = Throw up; if impossible, restrict/ dissociate/ self-abuse
+ Despair over faults & sins = Hysterical crying/ moral panic; desperate prayer; may shut down entirely
+ Guilt/ shame over "cowardice" = Self-abuse; desperately try to change choice; force challenges
+ Physical trauma flashback = GET UPSTAIRS HELP OR YOU'LL WANT TO DIE!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EATING DISORDER RULES VS. RECOVERY RULES

E.D.:
"You cannot eat certain foods because they are evil!" OR "because they will poison you!!"
REC:
MARK 7:18-23!!

E.D.:
(SINCE I'm SCARED of everything,) "I MUST TRY EVERYTHING and I MUST LIKE IT"
REC:
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO NOT DO THINGS!! You DON'T have to FORCE yourself to "EXPERIENCE EVERYTHING" in a twisted attempt to "please everyone" and NOT SAY NO!!

E.D.:
"If your body is big/ heavy, you will become CARNAL, animalistic and ABUSIVE"
REC:
G.K. CHESTERTON & SANTA CLAUS. Big bodies can be VERY VIRTUOUS!! It's about the SOUL, not the flesh! If your soul is beautiful, SO IS ANY BODY IT'S IN!

E.D.:
"YOU CANNOT HAVE SUGAR or it will give you diabetes and/or KILL YOU"
REC:
Sugar is a NUTRIENT that the body NEEDS! Eat it temperately, but DO eat it! Treated as MEDICINE, it CANNOT "kill you"!!

E.D.:
"I MUST ALWAYS choose the SCARIEST/ MOST DIFFICULT option; eating CAN'T BE EASY"??
REC:
This makes eating ABUSE, NOT NUTRITIVE!!! You ARE ALLOWED to LIKE foods AND to choose THEM regularly! Eating SHOULD be easy; it's not about "risk-taking"!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RITUALS


List the ritualistic behavior associated with your eating disorder. Then create a plan for how to cope with these behaviors.

BEHAVIOR: Buying/ preparing food in specific numerical amounts; "pre-dividing" foods
COPING PLAN: buy & prepare according to EXCHANGES. That's a PROPER number to adhere to! DO NOT worry about "pairs" or "triads" or "parallel" amounts! DON'T freak out over "inexact" portions, esp. in storage! Learn to love numbers INDIVIDUALLY, not just "in a structure"?

BEHAVIOR: Forcing myself to eat foods my loved ones eat, over & over obsessively
COPING PLAN: Honor your loved ones in OTHER ways!! Art, music, journaling, prayer, etc. THEY ARE MORE THAN "FOOD," TOO!! Write about memories! Learn to accept that you CAN be different from them WITHOUT '"rejecting" them. Be UNIQUE, to allow THEM to think of YOU uniquely, too!!

BEHAVIOR: Having to take a fixed amount of time to eat, or a fixed number of bites/ pieces
COPING PLAN: Practice "altering" numerical goals-- try to "leave space" or "do less"? EAT WITHOUT LOOKING AT A CLOCK and see what your NATURAL timing is.

BEHAVIOR: Compulsive prep?? Wanting to just peel & CHOP UP tons of stuff, NOT even to eat
COPING PLAN: Figure out ways to "imitate" CHOPPING/ PEELING in NON-FOOD ways!! Determine WHAT about those actions is so "stimming"/ comforting! Volunteer at a food kitchen? Make food for OTHER FOLKS!! Find a CREATIVE HOBBY that involves similar precision/ clean force?

BEHAVIOR: Buying foods based on concepts, not on whether or not I even want to/ should eat it ("HAVE TO" motive)
COPING PLAN: IDENTIFY & LIST CONCEPTS. Find OTHER ways to meet them IF NEEDED-- first determine if that is a CHALLENGE/ COMPULSION!! Ask, "WHY do I "HAVE to" eat this??" It typically relates to #2! Remember: FOOD IS NOT "TRANSFORMATIVE." It CANNOT make/ unmake you!!

BEHAVIOR: NO "LEFTOVERS" ALLOWED; even in storage!! Next day MUST be a CLEAN "RESET"
COPING PLAN: Get comfortable with "UNFINISHED/ INCOMPLETE/ UNRESOLVED" things. Practice PATIENCE & HOPE? Remember, THE FUTURE EXISTS!! Challenge yourself to ONLY shop ONCE WEEKLY. LABEL leftovers with weekdays! BROADEN YOUR TEMPORAL PERSPECTIVE. NO "last supper syndrome"!!

BEHAVIOR: Compulsive eating of ALL broken/ deformed/ "incorrect"/ pieces of applicable foods
COPING PLAN: Let those pieces be. DON'T try to "precisely" portion out the bits! DON'T "PROJECT" REJECTION FEAR/ PITY ONTO FOOD; DON'T IMPOSE RIGID "PERFECTION" EITHER. Broken/ odd pieces DON'T "ruin the integrity" of the whole. Stop insisting on "flawless" aesthetics! Remember Japanese wabi-sabi art!!

BEHAVIOR: Eating ingredients ONE at a time, methodically, in small bites; chewing SUPER slowly
COPING PLAN: Practice taking bites of COMBINED ingredients, even just ONE, WITHOUT FREAKING OUT over "destroying/ interrupting the harmony" of pieces. Learn to value COMBOS AS ART; they're NOT "messes to be cleaned up & organized"!! Practice slowly decreasing chew time without feeling "rushed"; work up to a good pace.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHALLENGES TO HOSPITAL "SELF-SELECT" EATING

Identify any difficulties you may encounter in this process and make a coping plan.

CHALLENGE: Several "challenging" options; "must do ALL"
COPING PLAN: Choose the "rarest" appearance or "newest." LIST OTHERS & PLAN?

CHALLENGE: Talking during the meal
COPING PLAN: Clip your responses; DON'T PERFORM OR ENTERTAIN. Give DATA. Anchor INSIDE.

CHALLENGE: Limited/ cut time to eat
COPING PLAN: DON'T FORCE OR BINGE!! Chew thoroughly to prevent trauma response but don't drag; pace well!

CHALLENGE: Only available food options are "boorish" or "childlike"
COPING PLAN: DROP THE LABELS! Think in terms of NUTRIENTS! THAT'S the REAL goal!

CHALLENGE: Constant dissociation/ anxious distractions
COPING PLAN: TALK TO THE SYSTEM? Practice sensory grounding exercises!

OPTIONS ARE HIGHLY LIMITED; I'm "forced" to pick predictable options frequently as there's little else available. MY ALLERGIES ALSO CONTRIBUTE TO THIS-- most "dessert" options (mandatory) HAVE NUTS! I also CAN'T SAFELY pick bakery items for that reason; many have obvious nuts in/on them and I suspect a common prep area, so I CAN'T risk it!
"FORCING" HIGHGRADE FEAR FOODS WORSENS THE ANXIETY?? Because I USUALLY DISSOCIATE, and then I "HAVE to REDO IT"?? But my MOTIVATION IS DISORDERED: "I must force myself to endure this scary thing NOW & then it'll be OVER & DONE WITH." THAT'S TRAUMA TALK!! DO NOT REINFORCE THAT!! YOU DON'T "HAVE TO" EXPOSE YOURSELF TO EVERYTHING!!! It's actually HEALTHIER for you to LEARN TO SAY "NO" AT SOME POINT-- AND RESPECT IT!! Right now your "no's" are FEARFUL & HYPERPROTECTIVE; BUT YOU STILL TREAT THEM ALL AS "CHALLENGES TO OVERCOME." THAT'S SCREWED UP, KIDDO!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHALLENGES TO RESTAURANT EATING

THE NOISE! // People seeing and/or watching me eat // Frequent direct interruptions of meal, often to talk // Expected to participate in active conversation // Limited, generalized menu options; can "panic" over lack of clarity & "whether or not it's safe/ allowed" // Close proximity seating // DISSOCIATING from "SOCIAL MODE"
ORDERING: Not obsessing over variations // Choosing INTUITIVELY, not "weighing pros & cons of every option" // Not "copying" or "imitating" others as "appeasement" // NOT choosing the HARDEST, LEAST POPULAR option "to be brave"

What is your plan for managing distress or anxiety?

My anxiety is centered around the CHOOSING, moreso even than the eating!
Fears include: "Will this make me sick?" "Am I allergic to something in this?" "I can't pick that; it's too easy." "That option sounds unappetizing/ makes me anxious; therefore I HAVE to choose it!" "I can't pick what I ALREADY know!"
To manage this: Choose WHAT YOU CAN ONLY GET AT THAT LOCATION. Let it be a unique experience! Choose an UNFAMILIAR option, but DON'T STRESS OUT if there are SEVERAL. The nurse recommended: pick the LEAST scary one FIRST; you've gotta LEVEL UP!! And DON'T TRY SO HARD IT TURNS INTO A BINGE. This is about NUTRITION! It's NOT WAR!! Let it be a gesture of CARING! Think of yourself in 3rd person if you must. Choose with CURIOSITY? NO "LAST SUPPER SYNDROME"!! There WILL be a "next time!" 

What was your reaction to your first attempt at eating in a restaurant during this program?

+ It was MUCH WORSE than I feared, actually! The portion sizes were HUGE, and we weren't allowed to leave leftovers or divide portions!! So it HURT to eat. I literally felt like I was going to pass out. BUT I PRAYED, AND I GOT THROUGH IT BY GRACE ALONE.

When eating at home, REMEMBER THE FAMILY HAS DISORDERED BEHAVIORS TOO!! Be wary & mindful; use coping skills & set a GOOD EXAMPLE of recovery!


prismaticbleed: (worried)

MOST COMMON PRO-ANOREXIC BELIEFS that cause RESISTANCE TO CHANGE:
  • EMOTIONAL SECURITY = through dissociation/ manic expression (binge) & terror/ sobbing/ trauma expression (purge)?
  • CONTROL = fights rape/ violation/ poison fears. Restriction: "keep the outside OUT of me." Purge= PURIFICATION. Binge= DESTROY.
  • ATTRACTIVENESS= TO MYSELF?? disgusted by feminine figure/ curves/ chunkiness. Shamefully, I did admire my thinness.
  • SELF-CONFIDENCE= somehow, yes. Matched the "inner me"= SEXLESS & free & light. even childlike. "COULD express self."
  • AVOIDANCE OF FEELINGS= eating brings up trauma; not eating means I can keep suppressing it/ denying it; NOT FEEL IT
  • BEING SPECIAL= "I'm NOT like the 'other girls' so I'm NOT a girl"; "If I DON'T want to be like them, I CAN'T LOOK LIKE THEM"
  • FITNESS= admittedly so. The "FEELING" of being loose/ heavy/ flaccid is HUMILIATING & DISTURBING. Valued "strength."
  • NO MENSES= IT'S AN EXPLICIT TRAUMA/ DYSPHORIA TRIGGER. I don't know how I'll cope if it does come back. I'd rather die.


Describe your posture.
  • I always tend to sit "straight w/ shoulders back," attentive; I was repeatedly instructed to do so as a child, and it DOES help keep my mood optimistic & open. BUT, there's also a sense of "containment"? I keep my legs close together, and although my arms aren't crossed, my HANDS are? They're either folded in my lap, or "cradled" right under left w/ upward palms: the latter being a subtle "sign" of receptivity/ listening. The "folding" forms, in contrast, a "closed loop" w/ my arms, allowing me to receive information BUT internalizing my focus.
  • When writing, I hunch over the paper, elbows out to the sides and both hands close on the paper. I lean my head down too. Although I'm "bent" my shoulders are tight, & my abdomen slightly tense. Outwardly I'm "enclosed" w/o "closing off"; signaling total immersion in my work & discouraging approach. Internally I'm "exerting" intense focus-- the emphasis on my arms/ upper body keeps me grounded/ aware in self, so I CAN pour all my conscious focus into the WRITING, not getting carried away by thoughts too fast/complex TO write, which WOULD be accessible/ bleeding over IF my posture was more relaxed & loose: which is required for THINKING/ PROCESSING; when I shift, the tension drops from my chest, my shoulders loosen & shift down, and I look up, eyes UNFOCUSED. BUT my hands/ arms STAY "looped" at chest level, a subtle "enclosing" that still discourages interruption.
  • When triggered/ shaken, I cross my wrists while hunched over the table? My chest & shoulders tense AND hunch, like my back is arching up like a scared cat. I turn my head to the right & tilt my chin down close to my shoulder, as if I had a heavy scarf & I was trying to hide in it. My legs tighten closer together AND my feet ground only at the toes, bent back & out at the knees-- having my feet flat feels UNSAFE & causes panic. My eyes STAY unfocused, through dissociation; my expression freezes neutral??
  • When DEEPLY DISTURBED, I DO pull my arms down in front of my chest, STILL only crossed halfway, over my solar plexus? NOT "folded," only right in front of left. My fingers are loosely curled in, but NOT clenched. I push down w/ my forearms into my stomach-- upper arms pushing BACK?? (and/or up w/ the hunched shoulders) and my LOWER BACK slouches out, my chest tightening with it, in a NOTABLE subconscious "echo" of a vomiting response. My exhales are forceful, controlled, & clipped; my inhales are shallow & brief. WHENEVER I'm distressed/ in crisis to the point of wanting to cry/ scream/ run, the MOST pressure & nausea ALWAYS FOCUSES IN MY STOMACH (solar plexus), & manifests w/ SUDDEN, FORCEFUL, IMPULSIVE exhales/ muscle contractions, as if I were silently screaming or violently throwing up.
  • My expression typically FOCUSES ON MY EYES/ BROW, UNTIL/UNLESS I'M IN CRISIS/ EXTREME EMOTION??


Do you have any new understandings of how you relate to others, after completing the genogram (posted separately)?
  • How I relate to self: internalized/ learned/ COPIED? parental behaviors; SO MUCH of the E.D. is APPEASEMENT BEHAVIOR???
  • We've suspected that for YEARS, notably w/ Iscah; our compulsions to be "thin & pretty," "clean & proper," "small & harmless," etc. as WELL as our compulsions to EAT/ NOT EAT certain foods (coffee, chocolate, bacon, etc.) are ALL NOTABLY BASED ON TRYING TO WIN AND/OR DESERVE LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, & APPROVAL from someone we loved, who did not necessarily care about us.

    "If I like/eat all your favorite foods, will you like me, too?/ Will I be your favorite?"

    "If I DON'T like/eat the foods you like/eat, I won't be like you/ I'm saying NO to what you did"? (AMBIVALENCE in trauma contexts!!)
     

  • How I relate to others: I INSTINCTIVELY default to appeasement behavior if I like someone/ want to be close to them?? And if I DON'T FEEL SAFE/ RIGHT in that imitation, I will DISTANCE myself from them & "act like I don't care"?? Even though I DO!!-- I just cannot safely act on that WITHOUT my learned behavior kicking in: "for them to like/ love/ accept/ respect me, I MUST BECOME LIKE THEM"??

Notes on the Victim/ Rescuer/ Persecutor Triangle:
  • Ambivalence: "I want to be saved from this eating disorder/ I "HAVE TO" do these compulsions EVEN THOUGH I hate it"
  • ^ Mom couldn't feed me OR ignore me w/o "seeming like a persecutor" to one or the other?? It breaks my heart. SHE JUST WANTS TO HELP. She loves you!! She's your mom!!

  • I feel compelled to be "a rescuer" BUT when difficult/ scary events occur, I often default to "VICTIM" & view others as "persecutors," although I WILL LOOK for a "rescuer" if it gets real bad!!
  • If others ACT AS "VICTIMS," I tend to AUTOMATICALLY feel/ ACT like a "persecutor?" It's sickening. But that reflects how I treat myself. Relatedly, I will play "rescuer" for people whose needs AREN'T EMOTIONAL???
  • The System DAILY "switches" between ALL 3 ROLES, notably in a crisis. Victims are beaten up by persecutors and HOPEFULLY a rescuer will step in soon. Unfortunately our traumabrain tends to JUSTIFY PERSECUTORS. We apparently VILIFY THE VICTIM??? see them as "manipulative dramatic liars," NOT ACTUAL "VICTIMS"!!!
  • I typically am NOT AWARE of "needs" UNTIL THEY ARE COMPROMISED, and feeling so suddenly & disturbingly "stuck," I feel victimized. I "assume people KNOW what I need," thinking "it MUST be obvious" because "I behave accordingly"?? i.e. I'm quiet & keep to myself, so "you'd ASSUME I needed a seat by myself." But they KEEP putting me in the crowded noisy kitchen, EVEN THOUGH I've spoken up about it TWICE. So it feels "ignorant" or even "malevolent"-- "we don't believe/ trust/ respect your request & "alleged need" SO we're POINTEDLY going to deny/ oppose it!!" That makes them a PERSECUTOR. I feel helpless & feel victimized. Then I LOOK/WAIT for someone to "rescue" me??
  • I "become the persecutor" when I see people BREAKING RULES?? or "MISBEHAVING"?? I "want them to be punished so they behave/ obey"?? I feel AWFUL wanting to be "brutal/ harsh" but their behavior makes me SO ANGRY??? Still, if I DO strike out, then YES, I AM THE PERSECUTOR, and I DON'T WANT TO CAUSE ANYONE TRAUMA!! but it's happened. Rage is traumatic and I've shown it in the past. for that I am awfully, contritely sorry.
  • Relationships seem permanently damaged once this happens. "My way" no longer matters?? Even if they DO "behave" it's only temporary AND INSINCERE; as it's FORCED through fear/threat; NOT FREELY CHOSEN. So "persecuting" ANYONE never ever does anything good.
  • I think I've "persecuted" TAS/ TBAS/ Q through my blaming them for trauma? even if they DID do something VERY WRONG!! but "being the victim" sometimes feels UNBEARABLE-- if the trauma is too destructive & disturbing-- so I "FLIP" the roles?? I spit vitriol about it instead of weeping. It's so unhealthy & unmerciful. I NEED to learn to COMMUNICATE; never voicing my needs, OR NEVER SAYING "NO," will ALWAYS cause this triangle. I NEED to be OPEN, HONEST, & RESPECTFUL of ME AND THEM!!
  •  

Describe a cyclical maladaptive pattern you've noticed in yourself.

1) "When people talk to me, I think they are testing me or tempting me for a certain response/ "setting me up".
- "I feel like I am on trial, or being watched & monitored. I feel like if I say the wrong thing, I will be marked for abuse."
- "I wish people wouldn't try to have conversations with me/ ask me personal questions/ ask for my "opinion.""
- "I dissociate and respond with shallow, automatic phrases when people talk to me"?
2) "If I talk to people, they will judge me according to the propriety of my response, & treat me according to their being pleased or offended. Offense will almost inevitably merit further brutal abuse for the sake of correcting/ forcing me to please them instead."
3) "When I talk/ respond to people, they appear awkwardly uncomfortable, nervous, and/ or "down"; they seem angry, upset, & impatient."
4) "When I talk to people, I never speak properly, and I feel gross & stupid afterwards. I am miserable & try to isolate; I violently & repeatedly condemn myself."

prismaticbleed: (shatter)

LETTER TO "ED"

Dear heart, poor tortured thing, why are you so hungry? Why are you so afraid? (→ RESPONSE)

Hey, "eating disorder"? Listen, I DON'T want to treat you as an enemy, and I DON'T want to "invalidate" or "trivialize" you. I ALSO don't want to "pretend you don't really exist." You DO exist. You ARE significant, and you ARE "valid" in your own way-- but that "way" is DAMAGED and THAT'S what I want to discuss with you. You entered my life in the wake of trauma and intense fear, and your purpose was to HELP ME COPE. In that regard, your motives & goals WERE valid! And I MUST RESPECT THAT. Maybe I should even "thank you" for trying to help so much. BUT. In a respectful relationship I must ALSO tell you, firmly but lovingly, that WE GOT IT WRONG. From the very beginning, our methods & goals were SKEWED because WE DIDN'T PROPERLY UNDERSTAND WHAT WE WERE DOING. You saw the body changing, you KNEW what people told us about those changes, and you WANTED TO STOP THE CHANGES in the ONLY "POSSIBLE" WAY-- through not eating. If "eating" = "fat," and "fat" = "female" and "female" = "sex" then I HAD TO BE AS THIN AS POSSIBLE IN ORDER TO SURVIVE!!

You're very controlling, because you're so scared of what you CAN'T control. Life for you was so unpredictable, and the future so unsure & unstable, that the added "unpredictability" of food-- stress that you ATE-- was too much. You refused to eat, until raw hunger would kick in & binge. Then you'd hate yourself for "being weak" and you learned to spit & vomit.
You had SO MANY RULES about what foods were "right" or "safe." You ate the same things over & over, something you could control & predict & understand, when nothing else was clear. But food somehow always ended up being "the enemy," because you were SO HUNGRY you COULDN'T STOP EATING, and that forced consumption-- that loss of control & self, that horrible addiction-- felt like rape all over again.
Unable to quit, you used it to cope. The E.D. was a way of BOTH expressing the horror of abuse CONSCIOUSLY, and "FINALLY" REJECTING IT.
It's a mess. You're a scared, sobbing mess. You have so many trauma scars and the sex you can't escape is your worst nightmare.

Fat = female = sex = mother = food, and food = fat, which loops the whole damned thing, doesn't it?

But "being skinny" still didn't save you.

I know you see "food" as "the enemy," because you can't seem to let go of your associating eating with sexual abuse.
You feel all the horror in your stomach. You don't want to "fill up" the body with ANYTHING. You've seen & heard far too many people making even more explicit associations, over & over & over.
But FOOD ITSELF CANNOT EVER DO THAT TO YOU. FOOD ISN'T THE REAL ENEMY & NEVER WAS.

I know you want to "starve the body into not being female/ adult" but it doesn't work.
I know you're terrified of that body shape, thinking it will make the sexabuse hell immanent & unending.
But we've got to find another way of fighting, one that WON'T KILL US IN THE PROCESS!!
And honestly, the best way I can see is to STRIP THE ABUSERS OF THEIR POWER by DE-WEAPONIZING FOOD.


LETTER FROM "ED"

YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHY I'M SO STARVED & TERRIFIED. DON'T GIVE ME YOUR PETTY PITY AND EMPTY CONDESCENDING "CONCERN." YO'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT ME, NOT AS A PERSON. YOU JUST SEE ME AS A PROBLEM TO FIX UP, ALL NEATLY & TIDIED UP, "THAT'S THAT" AND YOU'RE DONE WITH ME FOREVER.
WELL GUESS WHAT. I'M ONLY DISORDERED BECAUSE I'VE BEEN DIS-ORDERED!!!
I'VE BEEN F*CKED UP AND F*CKED OVER AND I'M RUINED AND BROKEN AND POISONED AND DISGUSTED AND SICK AND DESPAIRING AND SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO DIE. TO MAKE IT STOP.

BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME AS THE WOUND I AM. NOT REALLY. TO YOU I'M JUST A MESS TO CLEAN UP. YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE THE REAL PERSON BLEEDING, OR THE TRAUMA THAT CAUSED IT. YOU THINK I WANT TO BE DISORDERED?? DO YOU THINK I WANT TO BE IN THIS HELL?? OR HURT THIS POOR F*CKED UP BODY? OR HURT AND SCARE YOUR/OUR BLOOD FAMILY?? NO!!! I DON'T WANT THIS EITHER.
BUT I CAN'T GET BETTER ON MY OWN. I'M USELESS ALONE. THAT'S HOW I GOT SO BAD. I HAD NO HELP AND I HURT SO BAD IT SWALLOWED ME UP. PUN INTENDED. BUT I'M STARVING. I'M SO DAMN HUNGRY JUST FOR COMPASSION REALLY AND HUMAN CONNECTION THAT DOESN'T FLAY YOU OPEN OR SHOVE POISON DOWN YOUR THROAT.
THERE ARE MORE THAN ME, YOU KNOW. WE SHARE THIS SO IT DOESN'T KILL US ALL ALONE. WHY ELSE DO YOU THINK THAT ONE GIRL ALWAYS WANTS TO EAT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE LIKE? BECAUSE THAT'S HER ONLY MEANS OF CONNECTION OR COMMUNION. PEOPLE THEMSELVES ARE UNSAFE. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET F*CKED TOO MANY TIMES DAMN IT, PEOPLE HURT WHEN THEY T*CH YOU. AND WHEN YOU'RE USED TO HAVING TO CHOKE THEM DOWN, WELL. STOCKHOLM SYNDROME FUSES WITH THE INSTINCT OF AN ABANDONED CHILD. FORGIVENESS IDEALIZES ITSELF IN FOOD. WE EAT IN DESPERATE HOPE OF OVERRIDING HELL. BUT IT FAILS CATASTROPHICALLY. AND WE JUST RE-LIVE THE TERROR. EVERY DAMN TIME. I'M SORRY. THERE'S TOO MUCH FOR HERE. TOO MANY VARIABLES. TOO MANY ANGLES. TOO MANY PEOPLE. BUT DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO KILL US OFF TOO BY YOUR DAMN APATHY DISGUISED AS SYMPATHY. I KNOW YOU. YOU CAN'T FOOL ANYONE.
YOU EXIST TO SPIT OUT PLATITUDES AND MAKE A SHOW OF HOLLOW COMPASSION. BUT YOU'RE JUST A MOUTH. YOU HAVE NO HEART. YOU HYPOCRITE!!

YOU'RE WORSE THAN I'LL EVER BE. AT LEAST I CAN BLEED.


LETTER TO (THE NOUSFONI CARING FOR) MY BODY

I don't like how you've changed.
I don't like that horrific "womanly pouch" of fat behind our navel. I don't like the "handlebars" on your hips
IT'S F*CKING GROSS.

Listen we see "fat" as SEXUAL and so it CANNOT BE ALLOWED or we'll DIE

we're so AFRAID of that roundness. please stop it.

please if there's ANY way to change it PLEASE CHANGE.
please stop making "woman hormones" they're ALL BAD STOP STOP PLEASE!!!

I DOn't WANt tO be thAt

what do we want
we can't stay twelve forever
it's not even "the worst choice" anymore
or is it??
I LIKE the mental maturity we have
the spiritual progress with time
but
NOT THE BODY
NOT THIS SHAPE
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO????

can we
can we change this for the better

if we can't change your programming
please, LET US EXERCISE
if you're gonna INSIST on being BIG THEN use it BETTER
NOT FOR FLABBY INDOLENCE & "SENSUALITY" SH*T

BURN THAT "FAT" LIKE THE SIN IT IS



LETTER FROM MY BODY

I can't turn off the pituitary gland. I'm sorry.
I couldn't turn off puberty either.
I know you hate that I'm "NOT" disordered in that regard. I know you WISH you had an underdeveloped, malformed, or inert "reproductive system."
But... it is as it is. I mean that as simply as possible. Neither of us can change the genetics & biology God gave us. Whether we "like it" or not, it is what it is.

We're gonna have to live with that.

Please don't starve me anymore. I need food for FUEL, like a car needs gas. I literally WILL shut down without it. I know your fear of sexuality makes shutdown sound very ideal. It's not. There's no hope in it. We'll just die, and that "sexuality" will have killed us. Do you want it to be the victor over us, driving us to death?

Please don't overfeed me either. Food is fuel, food is medicine. It's NOT "just stuff," it's NOT "garbage to remove." Respect it, respect me, respect God's INTENT for us both. Respect US! I know you like rules. Well, that's a rule of propriety. Don't abuse food OR me.

And please, don't keep throwing up. It's scary and it hurts and I lose all my water.
I'm only supposed to throw up if I'm sick or poisoned and then I will do it FOR you, don't worry. You forcing me to "get sick" when I'm just trying to do my job, trying to get enough fuel to WORK so that YOU can live in here... it hurts me.

I will gladly exercise with you, if you don't use THAT to hurt us, either. Be careful with our poor feet & knees; you've pushed them to damage before. That will just make it harder TO exercise! Start slow, so I can get used to it, but don't quit. I like exercise too. I can't get rid of ALL the fat-- I need it to function-- but I can help with the shape a little, the more muscle you help me get. Be patient; we'll get there.

But please. Please learn to love me unconditionally. I already love you.







prismaticbleed: (shatter)
 

The more I think about the eating disorder, the more "roots" I find?

RESTRICTION ROOTS

+ "Refusal" of body maturation = sexuality
+ Terror of female body shape; gender dysphoria
+ "Rejection" of invasion (sexual abuse)
+ "Swallowing" fear of "contamination" (+ compulsive spitting)
+ Family body image toxicity; fat-shaming
+ Fasting; desperate attempt to "be good/ holy/ pure"
+ Food TOO stressful/ confusing; "don't know what's right" so AVOID IT ALTOGETHER
+ "I can either think about food, or creativity; it's one or the other"

PURGE ROOTS

+ "Get the poison out" (pain; literal sickness from spoiled food)
+ "Stay clean/ pure/ empty"; UNTOUCHED (sexual abuse)
+ "Reject what I didn't say "no" to" (sexual abuse)
+ "I made a mistake while eating; I MUST RESET/ RESTART and GET IT RIGHT"
+ Rage/ sorrow/ fear response; unable to tolerate emotion; try to "eject it"

BINGE ROOTS

+ Fight sensory deprivation & isolation
+ Numb intolerable emotions/ reality terror
+ "Learn to like everything" (sexual abuse)
+ Associating eating with "self care" & reward (family)
+ Self-abuse
+ "I made a mistake while eating; it CAN'T be "good" now so I'M "DOOMED" to KEEP doing wrong"
+ Creative/ organizational OUTLET when need is otherwise unmet



prismaticbleed: (shatter)


pre-breakfast (night prior)//

+ miserable. freaking out to the point of almost puking, in frustrated frightened tears, because I cannot decide on breakfast options. Yes it's stupid. but it's true. there are SO many choices, too many combinations. i don't know which one is the RIGHT ONE. I can't do applejuice or cranapple because every else does and that's THEIRS. it would look like I wasn't trying. I can't do an apple because I had one yesterday, and I can't do an orange because I'll have on on Sunday and I CAN'T "double" days. BUT a banana would be the "easy choice," AND I CAN'T do a banana if I do OJ because it'll screw up my stomach. I can't do grape because "it's my favorite" & thus the easy option. So if I get OJ & an orange I CAN'T double that on Sunday... but it IS a possibility. Hm. Maybe. It'll force me to "break the pattern" which can get too rigid. BUT CEREAL! I need to "try" Rice Krispies, BUT I'm STILL SCARED of the Cheerios, AND I actually have NO DATA for the Chex... which I think is the ONLY ONE I CAN'T get a single-serving of at home to try. Krispies are "easier" because of HAVEN memories, but "scary" because rice. BUT SAME WITH CHEX, which I FORGET. But I can do those next week? Or is it "chickening out" to NOT do them now? But I'd be a COWARD for NOT retrying the Cheerios. BUT EVERYONE PICKS CHEERIOS. The Chex would be the "challenge" in that respect. You see why I'm miserable. Jesus help me please.



post-breakfast//

+ Today's topic: OBSESSIONS, COMPULSIONS, & BEHAVIORS. What are we struggling with? What are the "RULES?" What "MUST" be done? WHY? What is the PURPOSE, or INTENDED GOAL/ RESULT, of these O/C/Bs?? What DISTORTIONS are present? What EMOTIONS are we feeling AS A RESULT OF THESE THOUGHTS? Are their action urges JUSTIFIED? Why or why not?
= Cannot "repeat" food choices twice in a row; every day MUST be different from the previous, "or I'm being lazy/ stubborn"
= Must have "even distribution" of choices over week, to be "fair" & "to make sense"? Uneven numbers "wrong"
= Must ALWAYS choose the "MOST CHALLENGING/ DIFFICULT" option, "or I'm being a coward/ stubborn"
= Must "get taste data"/ be conscious of eating or it "doesn't count"; "have to do it over"
= Must eat foods in "proper combinations," or it is "disordered/ improper" and "careless"
= NOT ALLOWED to CHOOSE foods that I "like"; that's "self-indulgent"/ addictive/ lazy/ cowardly"
= MUST (PARADOXICALLY) "LIKE" EVERYTHING THAT OTHERS LIKE to avoid offense? + NOT like what THEY dislike?? "DEFINED BY ORDERS"
"Enjoying things"/ "pl*sre" is WRONG/ BAD" "Suffering is GOOD because it is NOT enjoyable and IS brave"
"I must always be brave/ strong" "I must always do the most difficult thing
" "I must always push myself harder"
"I must be GOOD
" → "Good is SELFLESS" → "My own feelings & preferences don't matter"
"
I must be PURE/ PERFECT" → "Goodness is UNCONTAMINATED" "Goodness DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES/ BAD CHOICES"
"I must be OBEDIENT" → "to be GOOD" "unselfish" "self-sacrificial"
"KNOWLEDGE" obsession? Fear of "not knowing." Mystery = FAILURE TO LEARN??? Compulsion TO "find out"?
"Not allowed to like foods" PERPETUATES "fear food" phenomenon? RESISTS RECOVERY because then there's "NO CHALLENGES???" "Recovery = LIKING EVERYTHING BECAUSE I'M TOLD TO"??? UNTRUE!!! (SELF-DESTRUCTION; REPLACE SELF WITH "OTHER")
Obsessing over 'CHOOSING" "one thing over another" = "ALL OR NOTHING." scared of "cruelty/ offense/ REJECTION," even with food (inanimate)
Ultimate goals are ORDERLINESS, PROGRESS, BRAVERY, KNOWLEDGE, OBEDIENCE, DISCIPLINE, SPECIFICITY? PROPRIETY? "GOODNESS." Harmony/ elegance/ cooperation? "Aesthetic" agreement, as well as "choreography" OF choices?? INTENTIONALITY; making impulsive/ "indulgent" decisions is LAZY = BAD. Lazy is COWARDLY, no effort, no strength, no elegance. DIFFICULTY is valued to PROVE STRENGTH, and to PREVENT STAGNANCY? BUT "STRUCTURE" is often repeated? "Elegant;" effective distribution/ planning sticks. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Surprise changes (chosen by TEAM) ARE welcome, BUT MY OWN CHOICES MUST FIT SOME GREATER ORDER? They must be WISE, INFORMED, & CHALLENGING? But then I NEVER REST, AND I KEEP "MAKING NEW CHALLENGES TO FACE/ PROBLEMS TO SOLVE"!!! We did the SAME THING in 2017!!! The thought of "making an EASY/ COMFORTABLE" choice feels REPULSIVE? It would "seriously damage" my MORAL INTEGRITY?? Because "BEING GOOD = SUFFERING"???? "Liking" things is CONDEMNED; WHY?? Feels "OBTRUSIVE"? PREVENTS "CHALLENGE"??? ASSERTS "SELF"???

EMOTIONAL RESPONSES/ ACTION URGES = JUSTIFICATION?
SCARED of "choosing the wrong thing"? NOT the food itself-- ANY of them, IF "CORRECT," would be fine & non-threatening? But I'm "scared" of the "CHOOSING WRONG"?? When I obsess, I think "I HAVE to figure out the SMARTEST/ MOST CHALLENGING option"? I will make DATA SHEETS even!! Do I fear a threat to my "WELL-BEING"??? But fear FOCUSES ON ESCAPING DANGER. WHAT IS THE DANGER? Notably, "wrong" would be the EASY, COMMON, HABITUAL, OR "OUT OF PLACE" CHOICE? The GOAL IS HEALING = REQUIRES "ILLNESS"!!!!!
ALSO tied to DISGUST: "wrong" choosing could SERIOUSLY DAMAGE my SENSE OF MORALITY/ INTEGRITY?? & ORDERLINESS? "THINGS WHERE THEY DON'T BELONG" = CONTAMINATION FEAR!! "Wrong" choices "DON'T WORK/ BELONG" TOGETHER??? "HAPHAZARD"; "uncontrolled/ wild"; "CANCEROUS"
✳ ALSO tied to ANGER: "Important goal" of GOODNESS/ ORDER/ INTEGRITY being BLOCKED by "cowardice/ laziness/ carelessness/ stubbornness"? THOSE qualities are "DISEASES"/ "SPIRITUALLY SICKENING" and MUST BE "HEALED" THROUGH EFFORT/ ACTION/ PRECISION, and the DISCIPLINE to FOLLOW THE RULES/ BE IN PROPER ORDER. No sloppiness or "carefree" behavior. ANGER fights ALL these "ugly tendencies" to OVERCOME those obstacles by FORCE and to STOP FURTHER THREATS. The problem is, ANGER SEES "SELF-INDULGENCE" as a threat and "SELF-DISCIPLINE" as the ideal, so it "DISCIPLINES" the "BAD CHILD" through VIOLENCE & VERBAL ABUSE, with the intended goal of "crushing" all inclination to be "soft & weak & sensual & sloppy & EVIL" -- qualities we ALSO associate with FATNESS. If "fat = evil" then "thin = good" AND "strong = good"? It's a mess. Being "big" FILLS US WITH "ARROGANT RAGE"??? Like the sheer SIZE of our body ELICITS POWER-ABUSIVE TENDENCIES??? WHY. Is it the desperate drive to DESTROY THE FAT=SLOVENLY RISK??? So much disgust. The "clean freak" obsession gets SO BAD. "MUST discipline/ control/ tame/ etc. this WILD/ ANIMALISTIC/ DISORDERED THING." Ironically, the eating disorder got WORSE through the hypercontrolling. ALL EXTREMES ARE UNHEALTHY!
SADNESS: kicks in AFTER ANGER & self-destructive consequences; "things are not the way you hoped/ wanted/ expected" & "PERMANENT LOSS." "I did not behave the way I SHOULD" = "I HOPED I could be GOOD; I WANTED to be BRAVE; I EXPECTED to be SMART ENOUGH... but I WASN'T"??? LOSS = FAILURE TO BE GOOD/ PERFECT = ALL OR NOTHING: "THEN I'M BAD." Keeps cycling back to annihilatory RAGE, WHILE SOBBING typically.
GUILT: "BEHAVIOR VIOLATES MORAL CODE." Obvious & self-explanatory. ALL my decisions are "MORALLY RIGHT OR WRONG", no matter how small.
SHAME: "If my actions/ characteristics are REVEALED, I will be REJECTED BY THE "GOOD"/ BY "REAL CHRISTIANS"!!!" VERY powerful with "bad [food] choices" because those are ON THE TRAY FOR ALL TO SEE, & my choices are RECORDED BY TEAM. SO, if I "chicken out" and choose the EASY option, OR the SAME THING repeatedly, THAT COWARDLY LAZINESS WILL BE REVEALED AND I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO "SET A GOOD EXAMPLE" OR "BE A GOOD, OBEDIENT, BRAVE GIRL" ANYMORE-- the "secret sin" is APPARENT and I AM DOOMED. NO SECOND CHANCES!!!
YOU F*CKED UP AND YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT BACK, THE "DEED IS DONE" YOU LOST YOUR CHANCE, ALL BECAUSE YOU WANTED THE "COMFY OPTION"!!!!

I chose whole milk instead of chocolate and I AM A F*CKING COWARD!!!
I didn't choose it because I'M TRYING to cut down on the sugar
NO EXCUSES YOU F*CKING LAZYASS COWARD
do I have to
I don't want it I dont like all the sugar
ANd, And mr. doctor SAID! dont obsess!
BUT But WE HAVe tO
CANT CHICKEN OUT DON'T BE SO F*CKING LAZY
DO THE HARD THING
STOP LOOKING FOR "EASY" WAYS OUT
STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM SUFFERING!!!!

ISNT THIS SUFFERING ENOUGH

NO
THIS DOESN'T COUNT THIS IS DISCIPLINE FOR YOUR SELFINDULGENT ASS
LEARN TO DO THE RIGHT THING
STOP CHICKENING OUT!!!

MAN THE F*CK UP!!!!



(1) I didn't choose chocolate milk because I was scared of the sugar taste
(2) EVERYONE is choosing chocolate milk
(3) IT'S THEIRS, SAVE IT FOR THEM
(4) IT'S COMMON, SET A BRAVE EXAMPLE BY DOING DIFFERENT
(5) BUT IT'S A CHALLENGE FOR US
(6) IT'S MORE OF A "CHALLENGE" NOT TO CHOOSE IT, APPARENTLY
(7) F*CK YOU THAT'S A HOLLOW EXCUSE
YOU RAN AWAY. ON PURPOSE. YOU CHICKENED OUT


(8) what is the bravest choice, for real, what is "GOOD"
what is "effective"


(9) Our GOAL is to BE BRAVE.
The MOST "EFFECTIVE" THING would be to
- ADMIT we chickened out
- FIX THE DECISION
WHICH WE DID
I'M PROUD OF YOU
SEE I KNEW YOU WEREN'T REALLY A COWARD.
I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS.
IT'S NOT GOING TO HURT ANYONE
IT CAN ONLY MAKE YOU STRONGER
BY FACING YOUR FEAR OF "SUGAR"
AND REALIZING IT CAN'T HURT YOU/ US
"REMEMBER WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID"
ALL THE CHOICES HAVE NUTRITION
EVEN THE SCARY ONES.






post-dinner/

We were too "proud." We drank it cold & couldn't taste it. The FAILURE distracted us for the whole meal. How ironic. "No right choice." BUT in MEMORY we have data, thanks to Jesus's mercy. We're sorry for our arrogance in "proving ourselves." Please, please forgive our foolish heart.
+ For the record. We DIDN'T "chicken out on Rice Krispies-- they were OUT! So we bravely retried the Chex, AND tasted it this time-- NOT soaking it, but NOT eating it by hand either. We used minimal milk & used a spoon, all proper. The taste, esp. unwet, DOES trigger "trauma echoes." It's humbling & horrifying to REALIZE & REMEMBER JUST HOW BAD THINGS WERE back then. But FEAR NOT!! God has brought us to recovery and we NEVER have to go through that hell again!! In time, we pray, those memories will fade, and the Chex will be "free" & "innocent" again, too. THAT'S WHAT WE WANT with ALL trauma/ fear foods! THAT'S why we're SO DETERMINED NOT to "chicken out"-- THAT PREVENTS HEALING, PERPETUATES FEAR, and KEEPS BOTH ME & THE FOOD STUCK IN A TRAUMA MINDSET!! WE WANT TO BE FREE, and FREEDOM ONLY COMES THROUGH LOVE!! THAT is how to forgive & move on-- you NEED that GRACE first!! So please, PLEASE, pray constantly & sincerely for it!! We CAN'T be "Good" on our own-- we CAN'T be TRULY BRAVE on our own either. WE NEED GOD. We need to do it WITH HIS POWER and FOR HIS FLORY, THROUGH HIS LOVE!!! And tragically we failed to do that tonight. We were SO carried away with self-hatred & PRIDE, wanting to be "brave" but FOR THE WRONG REASON-- almost to spite ourself, DEFINITELY with a smug "victory over stupidity" vibe, shame on us-- that we DIDN'T HONESTLY THINK OF GOD. He WASN'T our primary focus. We didn't choose the chocolate milk TO LET HIS MERCY WORK THROUGH US, but to chastise ourselves for "being weak." And GOD BRINGS DOWN THE PROUD!!! Which He SURE DID for our misguided ass, and THANK YOU GOD FOR DOING SO, because we NEEDED this lesson, DESPERATELY. We could NEVER hope to "make the good choice" WITHOUT YOU, the SOURCE & SUMMIT OF ALL GOOD!! On our own we WERE doomed to fail, no matter HOW hard we tried; our mind was ENTIRELY IN THE WRONG SPACE. I felt that last night, trying to figure out the juice datasheet. It felt so exasperating & distressing; I didn't even PRAY because I was so obsessed & MISERABLE. God I am so, so sorry. Please, CHANGE MY HEART!!! Help me TO pray, REALLY pray, WITHOUT abandoning recovery & "thinking I don't have to care about life anymore." Loving & worshipping You IS LIFE, and I want to do that WITH my life-- ALL OF IT!! I desperately, fervently want YOU to be PRESENT in ALL aspects of my daily life & work, NOT JUST IN RECITED PRAYER. We can't be TRUE friends if I only ever talk to You & spend time with You in "prepackaged" ways-- yes, those prayers are STILL Good & Beautiful, BUT I'M saying them in RITUAL OBLIGATION, something "to be done" by the schedule; I SHOULD be-- and I WANT to be-- inviting You to be with me in MY HUMANITY. Right now, You feel SO "unapproachable," SO "pure & Almighty," that I TREMBLE to talk to You, let alone EAT & COOK & WRITE & DREAM with You. And that's SO TRAGICALLY WRONG. Please, God-- LET ME KNOW YOU. Please, BE MY FRIEND. Hang out with me at breakfast. Share that PopTart. Guide me through lunch. Discuss DBT with me. Let's sit on the patio together. Let's listen to Lofi music together. Let's LIVE, in ALL the little moments, TOGETHER, and so CONSECRATE ALL OF MY LIFE to YOU, dearest Lord... no exceptions. SOLI DEO GLORIA.



prismaticbleed: (soniccity)

GROUNDING TECHNIQUES

+ The "five senses" grounding exercise, bizarrely, dissociates me EVEN MORE because I mentally detach/ distance IN ORDER TO properly GET/ PROCESS sensory input!!!
It's EXHAUSTING to feel ALL that at once. Like I WITHDRAW INTO MY HEAD TO GRASP THAT DATA IN THE FIRST PLACE.
+ NUMBERS, COUNTING, & MATH ARE SO MUCH SAFER & MORE HELPFUL!!!
+ Maybe USE THIS 5-sense thing to our advantage as a way of REDIRECTING internal focus???

+ VISUALIZING A "SAFE PLACE" & ENTERING THAT MINDSCAPE IS SO HELPFUL.
But beware! It is SUPER IMMERSIVE and VERY hard to "come back into physicality" even after a MINUTE so immersed!!
+ ALSO BEWARE, because mindscapes are mutable, and we can't always control what happens in there...

+ Slow breathing/ holding breath is JARRINGLY TRAUMA-TRIGGERING. Maybe talk to Kyanos about managing this? Is that still his job?

PERSONAL TECHNIQUES THAT SHOULD WORK FOR US:


LIST OFF...
+ ALL the characters in ONE Leagueworld
+ ALL the OCs of ONE COLOR you can think of
+ ALL the OCs whose name starts with a certain letter
+ ALL the Moralimon of a certain species-archetype
+ ALL the Moralimon of a certain Typecore
+ ALL the songs of one artist/ group you can recall: FROST*, ELO, Todd Rundgren...
+ ALL the Pokemon species/moves of ONE type?

DESCRIBE...
+ the basic plot of a Leagueworld
+ a League scene like a SCREENPLAY
+ the "bio" of an OC; INCLUDING "little" details & idiosyncrasies
+ the appearance of an OC, being VERY thorough (AND voice!!)
+ the "VIBE" of an OC, IN REALTIME??
+ a League LOCATION, in sensory detail
+ a Moralimon, Enchiridion-style
+ a Moralimon "technique" or "combat skill"
+ a Moralimon Virtue, being VERY specific
+ a Nousfoni function/ VIBE?

prismaticbleed: (held)

Dear us:

It's almost ironic; I would never blame or hate or condemn any of us for the things "I'm" struggling to face-- so why the hypocrisy? Honestly right now I don't know, because right now I'm NOT in that isolatory mindset. And maybe that's the key-- the simple yet profound answer-- that "self-compassion" is inevitable when I stop pretending that "I" am the only "I" in here.

I love all you guys. ALL of you. All the Socials, all the Retributors, all the trauma-loaded Chthonics and all the Daengels. Every single Spectrum-soul is beloved to me. And, as incredible as it still sounds and feels... I cannot deny that YOU seem to ALL feel the same way about me. This morning was PROOF of that. Don't ever let me forget that-- because the REAL "me," the TRUE CORE of this System, IS compassion, both the one who loves AND who is loved. I need to have my heart open to receive love in order TO give it.

So the fact that I CAN write this letter is actually a huge source of hope. Evidently, I AM open to real love, even if hesitantly, or secretly. But I am.

So. Slight topic switch.

I want to say, "this isn't about me, it's about us!" But I am PART of us, too! And I WANT to be; I LOVE being part of the System-- yet, I inexplicably keep pulling back. Why? Is it shame, or guilt? You'd never damn me for the things WE'VE suffered OR the mistakes WE'VE made; we're ALL responsible and we're ALL STILL WORTHY OF FORGIVENESS & HOPE & LOVE, even when we screw up-- or, as I like to say, "especially then."

I can feel a lot of lingering frustration & regret & grief over the past, from many of us. But none of it is cruel. Even the most bitter outbursts of pain are coming from a wounded heart that didn't want those awful things to happen. Ultimately we ALL want each other to be healthy & healed & happy. In the end, we can't hate each other. There's no judgment, when you get to the heart of it-- only compassion. Even if we DO bluntly acknowledge our poor choices & failures to be kind in the past, we've collectively reached an honestly amazing point of psychospiritual maturity where we CAN face up to our biggest screw-ups and not self-destruct over them-- SOLELY because we are now tapped into that heart of compassion, of mercy, of love. It's inundated us all by now, thank God. We don't get reset attempts or bluescreens or apocalypses anymore. Yeah we still ache, but darn it we're aching TOGETHER, and that's something!!

Nevertheless. I can be too cerebral even in this.

Compassion cannot exist only as a theory, or an idea, or even as a nicely worded letter. Love only truly exists in ACTIVE RELATIONSHIP.
You've gotta DO something FOR someone, if you want to realize those virtues. Anf you've gotta BE someone who THEY can give love to in return.

When my poor discombobulated brain starts to flinch or forget that, remind me of that. Remind me of all of you-- and not just as names!! Remind me of YOUR SELVES-- of the faces and lives of the souls I KNOW and who know me... the souls that I love, and who love me in return.

It's always so difficult to confess & admit that, to write you all down.
I still don't know why. But let's start there, because it's ancient, and we HAVE to finally overcome that, COLLECTIVELY.

It's shame-- shame AT my love for others, and at their love for me?
What's so shameful about it? What's so "shameful" about tenderness & compassion? Why do I fear that it's "WRONG" to feel that love, for or from others?
I don't want to be miserable anymore, imprisoned by that corrupt mindset. After all, I couldn't "be ashamed" if I WASN'T actually IN that love, so there's some solid hope already.

Listen. I've been rambling for three pages and I still haven't gotten to the true point, the real heart, of this whole thing.



(left unfinished)

prismaticbleed: (shatter)

+ Today we're focusing on DBT AND Bible study-- because without God's wisdom, graciously given to us through His Word, nothing is wise. Secular psychology CAN be VERY TOXIC, because it REJECTS MORALITY & RELIGION, and disparages the TRUE spiritual/ supernatural reality-- it uses terms like "wisdom" & "mindfulness" frequently, but they just feel empty & wrong, honestly because they don't acknowledge GOD. So I MUST make sure I DO, in this recovery process, or it WILL IRONICALLY DISORDER MY SOUL, craftily leading me astray with "empowering" and "nonjudgmental" language, darkly enticing me to rely on my "own strength & skill" instead of GOD'S GRACE & POWER-- to become a humanist instead of a Christian. The subtlety is terrifying. A lot of it IS good, healthy advice. Emotion regulation & distress tolerance skills are useful, IF used prudently-- again, I'm just honestly disgusted by the blatant lack of faith in all of it. Even the "radical acceptance" skills are hollow-- they DON'T acknowledge GOD'S WILL, and so they AREN'T GRATEFUL TO GOD; furthermore, the stance of "acceptance" they promote is void of virtue, because ONLY A CHRISTIAN CAN CHOOSE TO SUFFER, and doing so is BY THE POWER OF GOD! Not "your wise mind" or ANYTHING of human nature. By CHOOSING to suffer, AS CHRIST DID, we UNITE our pain to His and it BECOMES REDEMPTIVE-- AND NONTOXIC!! Disorder CANNOT EXIST when the LORD of ALL CREATED ORDER makes His Presence known. So yes, DBT helps, but the Holy Spirit CAN & DOES ACCOMPLISH the SAME beneficial ends, and INFINITELY MORESO. ...But I can't be an extremist even in this. I can't bash this program "because it's not explicitly Christian." Being so disdainful is ANTIChristian!! AND it's disgustingly hypercritical, because I AM benefiting from DBT, as are so many others. GOD GUIDED THE INVENTORS OF DBT, TOO, YOU KNOW!! The goal of DBT is LIFE, HEALTH, RECOVERY, COMPASSION, WISDOM, HONESTY, RESPECT... ALL VIRTUES OF GOD! The program IS FULLY COMPATIBLE WITH CHRISTIANITY; IT CAN ONLY BE ENRICHED BY IT. STOP BEING SO BLOODY JUDGMENTAL.
Ironically that way of thinking IS a distortion (DBT)-- "black or white" thinking! It's ALSO STUBBORNNESS AND PROUD ARROGANCE. It's POISON and you NEED TO STOP. Just because something exists "OUTSIDE" of religion DOESN'T MEAN IT'S "SATANIC." Geez honestly I'd be MORE afraid that YOUR "GATEKEEPING" of what is "morally proper" / "irreligious" / "RIGHT" IS "SATANIC," because it's FOCUSED ON EXALTING YOU. You're SO DAMN OBSESSIVE over "keeping yourself pure/ holy/ separate" that you FORGET that the REAL EVIL comes from YOU and YOUR dumbass choices-- MATTHEW 15:17-20-- and your STUBBORN-ASS RESISTANCE TO ADMITTING YOUR OWN SH*TTY CHOICES AND THOUGHTS AND BLATANT SINS IS WHAT CAN AND WILL SEND YOU TO HELL FOR BOTH IDOLATRY AND BLASPHEMY. GET OVER YOUR DAMN SELF BEFORE YOU ARE DAMNED, DAMN IT!!!
STOP MICROMANAGING REALITY AND STUPIDLY "TRYING TO BE PERFECT." YOU'RE NOT AND YOU CAN'T BE AND YOU SHOULDN'T BE.
YOU'RE NOT GOD. ...AND I KNOW YOU KNOW A CERTAIN BLUE SOMEONE WHO CAN DRIVE THIS LESSON HOME BETTER THAN I EVER COULD. SO LISTEN. PLEASE. IF YOU DON'T OPEN YOUR HEART, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.







pre-snack//

+ Quick note-- Marisa just walked over to apologetically tell me we're TOTALLY out of flavored chips-- but with her broad stance, strong walk, and heavy eyebrows, I swear she LOOKED SO MUCH LIKE LAURIE. It went straight to my heart. So remember that. AND remember that SHE WAS IN MY DREAM LAST NIGHT, TOO!!! She's always there to protect me, LITERALLY from death/ being killed, in such dreams. God bless her, I love her so much.




prismaticbleed: (shatter)

+ All right so OUT OF THE BLUE I have been SLAMMED with body dysphoria this morning. I'm honestly suspecting that it's because I figured out that Team wants me to hit like 120LBS, AT LEAST??? I literally have NOT been that heavy in OVER 13 YEARS. And I am ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED at the thought. I don't know HOW to even think of that number/ weight WITHOUT immediately associating it with the SAME terror & shame I felt at age 13 or so, when this hell started. I don't know how to handle this weight-- this size-- without also feeling like it has doomed me to that hell of abuse all over again-- abuse that ONLY began AND continued BECAUSE of my body. I've effectively been at war with it since then for that same reason. Starving & purging to "become small" again was my ONLY voice, my ONLY protest against the horror of feeling like I was trapped in the body of a whore. I DON'T EVER WANT TO FEEL THAT AGAIN.
...The problem is, it's already started. The body shape is shifting, becoming terrifying & threatening, trapping me again. The hack nightmares have returned. The dysphoria is DEAFENING, already.
I don't know what to do. THIS IS WHY I WAS TRYING TO STARVE THIS BOY INTO EITHER "SAFETY" OR DEATH. This horrific fatness, PERSONIFIED IN EVERY ABUSER, is synonymous with rape. That's it, that's the blunt confession. It feels so WRONG. I would rather die than live like this because THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM THE PHYSICAL HELL OF A ""HEALTHY"" BODY.
...Not being able to feel my bones feels so wrong. Having this "solid thickness" to my abdomen feels WRONG!! I feel like a brute! I feel like a wall, like a boorish bully, like a stubborn arrogant forceful CRUEL HARSH ABUSER. obtrusive & offensive. "Shove this weight around." It's like what TBAS always said about why they hated THEIR weight, too-- that it was this horrible, thick barrier between the outside & inside-- like the TRUE "him," the REAL "Oliver," his heart, was being SUFFOCATED & BURIED beneath a hell of flesh & fat. They couldn't reach theirself because THEIR BODY WAS IN THE WAY. ...And now I feel like that, too. I feel that thick heabiness & it feels ANGRY, VIOLENT & MEAN. I miss being small. I miss being THIN ENOUGH TO FEEL MY SOUL INSTEAD OF THIS BODY. I wrap my arms around this abdomen and I can't feel myself anymore; all I feel is F*KING "FLESH." FILTH SIN UGLY HEAVY WRONG DISGUSTING FAT
I'm too far away. I feel like my identity is being devoured by the body's sheer weight, its "force," its... "inherently abusive" quality. Thick, brutish. Ironically there's an even worse fear. Being a "whore." The bigger this body is, the more other people CAN use it & grab it & take it & destroy ME. The hellfire won't go away. I WANT TO DIE. WE WOULD RATHER THIS BODY DIE THAN TURN INTO A WHOREHOUSE

I desperately keep trying to find other options. exit doors that aren't starvation.
BUT WE MUST BE SMALLER WE MUST BE PURE & CLEAR & LIGHT & SAFE & GOOD
AND UNTOUCHED, UNUSABLE, UNDEFILED, UNADULTERATED
BY EITHER FOOD OR THOSE F*KING WOMEN



God please
please do i have to be a w*mn??
do i have to be like this forever?


what do we do, right now, WHAT DO WE DO
----- we can barely write the terror is so intense we just want to SCREAM and THROW UP

WE WOULD RATHER DIE THAN LIVE LIKE THIS!!!




We've noticed that in "trying to find hope" we default to TRAUMA MECHANISMS, which involve further "fawning/ imitating" & self-annihilation to "survive the unbearable." the MOST LETHAL "hope" is "GIVING IN" to the R*PE of "femininity" And FORCING the ABUSE
it would be to "give up fighting" and "just do what we're told/ expected to do & endure" by "accepting" the body changes
NO

WE CAN'T, WE WON'T, THAT'S REAL SUICIDE!!!


she's right. that's the hard but (God please) profoundly relieving truth.
WE DON'T "HAVE TO" PLEASE WE CANT. PLEASE LISTEN
JUST LISTEN TO US IT WOULD KILL US.
YOU KNOW THAT. WE ALL DO!!!

so what do we do.      EVEN THE ABUSERS
THAT'S WHY THEY DID IT
THE ABUSE ONLY HAPPENED BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL FORCING US TO BE "


I CAN'T SAY IT



but it all comes back to this.
our childhood, our innocence, our purity, our LIFE, our very SELF was FORCED TO DIE
SO THAT THEY COULD TURN OUR BODY INTO "A F*KING W*MAN!!!!!"

NO
NEVER AGAIN!!!!





we're at an impasse
we're stuck, trapped, terrified, lost, so so so scared make it stop
but
the changes Are here alrEAdy
we cANt EscApE

THE KIDs ARE fREAKINg ouT

AND WITH GOOD REASON

I CAN HELP

NOT HERE, THEY WON'T LET YOU

Is that truly our only remaining option?

GOD I NEVER THOUGHT WE'D EVER HAVE TO SERIOUSLY CONSIDER RETRIBUTION AGAIN.



there has to be another way.



infi's function broke, ze doesn't know how to handle this either
nobody does


LISTEN CAN WE GET AUTOPILOT OUT FOR A WHILE
TO JUST GET SOME DATA DOWN
TURN OFF THIS TERROR FOR A BIT
I Hope



WE'VE GOTTA FIND HOPE, DAMN IT. THAT'S OUR ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE THIS.


(dissociating)
                                (shutdown?)





ETERNITY
ETERNITY
ETERNITY
INFI LET THAT BE YOUR NEW CORE
REMIND US OF THE BIGGEST PICTURE
"THIS TOO SHALL PASS"
MEANING EVERYTHING OF THIS WORLD
ESPECIALLY THIS HELL.
(MATTHEW 22:30)    (MATTHEW 19:12)
this can't be forever
but even so
what do we do now?



the bottom line is always the same intolerable stupid awful admission that we can't seem to change without a notably deadly degree of forced dissociation, dishonesty, and self destruction.
our "inmost" conviction of identity/ "selfhood" is not a woman. arguably it might not even be "female," at least, not as long as that term is sxually defined.
our biggest, morally compatible hopes, all come from catholic mystics. all the meditations and visions and "ecstasies" that TRANSCEND GENDER & SEXUALITY YET REMAIN VIRGINAL.
And God we NEED THAT. Our soul cries for it. We KNOW we ARE that way, undeniably, at our very core. AND IT'S MORALLY LEGITIMATE. SEVERAL ACTUAL SAINTS both wrote about AND lived it!!
THERE IS NO "GENDER BINARY" / "SEXUAL DIMORPHISM" IN HEAVEN!!!
OTHERWISE CHRIST COULDN'T BE EVERYONE'S BRIDEGROOM
(also matthew 12:49-50? and 22:30? & 1 corinthians 7:34, 6:17? romans 8:4)


...honestly though I CANNOT "try to justify" this OR "make excuses." like it or not, "God created them MALE & FEMALE."
even if our souls are untouched by sexuality (& gender???), our bodies ARE. and I MUST learn to ACCEPT & LIVE WITH THAT.




   
prismaticbleed: (angel)

You only have to ask to receive God's Wisdom.
How can you gain wisdom? Where do you need insight?


Wisdom can ONLY be gained FROM GOD, because its source IS GOD. The fallen world, and the fallen nature of natural man, CANNOT BE WISE, no matter how hard they try to pick everything apart to "intelligently" label it. Fallen "wisdom" can kill the soul! To be TRULY wise, we MUST "become foolish in the eyes of the world," and rely ONLY on the Wisdom of God, revealed in Scripture & the Magisterium, and strengthened by sincere & frequent prayer. I need wisdom every moment, to make choices that honor God! I need Wisdom to discern what matters to HIM, what affects eternity; what is LOVING.

PRAYER REQUESTS...

+ To not resist/ fight/ despair/ dissociate/ etc. this process of weight recovery, ESPECIALLY in how it keeps emphasizing "natural femininity" & its characteristics. I'm legit terrified; I DON'T WANT IT, and didn't want it in my youth, either. The very thought of being "womanly" has me suicidal. And I don't know how to cope. I DO know that I probably WILL relapse into restrictive behaviors & maybe even hyperexercise, if upon my return home, the "reality" of the body changes are too traumatic & unbearable. But I STILL DON'T WANT TO OFFEND GOD. I'm just equally terrified that He "will force me to live like that," in a way that clashes catastrophically with EVERYTHING I can feel & say about my self. Is that the point? Does He WANT me to sacrifice "myself" and "learn how to be a woman instead"?? I have NO wisdom here at all. I must pray for it as I pray about this fear, and I must CAREFULLY LISTEN & DISCERN His Voice, then WRITE IT DOWN. I must ALSO turn to Scripture, where WISDOM SPEAKS, and write down what it says & teaches me, too. God, I trust You. Please help me.

prismaticbleed: (Default)
from the shore, I see you struggling through rough waters.
from the field, I hear you trudging through the woods.

Many have called out to you, seeking to guide you, but
their words are landlocked, mowed clean as a lawn.
They speak of destination, not distress.
You cannot remember that language,
and they cannot see a clear path.

The problem is, there isn't one.
The solution is, there is still a path.

But it's soaked by waves and billows,
pierced with thorns and briars.

The path is painful, and difficult,
but it is there,
and it leads to right where you are.

I know, because I have been there.
I know, because I have walked it before.

So I dive into the sea, and I press through the hedges.
I see you. I recognize this place.
You are not alone.

Take my hand; let's leave this painful place together.
prismaticbleed: (worried)


+ In a strange way, we're "trying too hard" to recover? We're "pushing aside" our OWN unique needs & skills, and trying to "force" ones that HARM/ HINDER us "just because" they're on a worksheet or something. Even with meal planning, we're making things too much about "meeting performance expectations" and NOT working within the VALID LIMITS of budget/ storage/ resources/ options we realistically have. In our heart-- and EMPHASIS on the "our"-- WE KNOW what is healthy vs unhealthy coping, what is disordered vs beneficial behavior. We DO have a good sense of conscience and we DO want to live a full, colorful, vibrant, creative life; we DO want to honor and love and properly manage ALL our emotions, AND most importantly, the Nousfoni whose hearts are bound to them. Recovery is about US, as a UNITED WHOLE. We all need to be recognized, respected, and INVOLVED in this process-- in this LIFE. That's the only way we CAN be truly healthy & healed... because it's the ONLY way we CAN live in LOVE.
...I must be blunt and admit that trying to be religious WITHOUT involving my/ our WHOLE SELF ended up becoming "forced" and almost suicidal in too many ways. I couldn't love GOD as He deserves-- as He wants & needs-- without that love coming from my WHOLE HEART. It's the same thing with recovery. We ALL contributed to it with all our pain & trauma & broken coping skills & addictions & God only knows what else... but, as all D.I.D. Systems do, we ONLY acted/ reacted in those ways because at some point, in some way, IT KEPT US ALIVE. Now, then, to TRULY LIVE, we MUST CHANGE TOGETHER. We ALL forgive each other. We all love each other. We know that, now. It's the core of us, pun intended. So we CAN grow, all of us, into newness & light. But we WON'T BE ABLE TO IF WE KEEP TRYING TO SHOVE OURSELVES, AND OUR RECOVERY PROCESS, INTO A "BOX" OR "NORMAL TEMPLATE." No way!! YES the workbooks ARE helpful AND accurate, BUT THEY even emphasize that EVERYONE'S MIND IS UNIQUE AND SO IS THEIR RECOVERY!! So even though there ARE key skills & basic education that DO help everyone, those tools & that knowledge MUST BE PERSONALLY UNDERSTOOD & APPLIED, ACCORDING TO WHAT WORKS FOR THAT PERSON'S UNIQUE LIFE & SITUATION. That includes us!! And THANK GOD!! So, by His Grace & with His help, LET'S RECOVER, TOGETHER.


prismaticbleed: (angel)

The noise of the world can drown out the voice of God. Taking time to be still and read God's Word-- even five minutes a day-- will allow You to hear His Voice.
What do you need to do to "unplug" from the hustle and bustle of the world?
How will you begin to make time to listen-- and hear-- from God?

This unit is VERY noisy during meals, and often during free time, which typically makes me dissociate from sheer overwhelm. Even alone in my room, the complex & arduous work of recovery-- both coping & planning-- take up so much of my cognitive effort & time. But I'm STILL yearning for God; even if the intensity of that true hunger is somewhat muffled lately, it never disappears, and my faith constantly makes itself known again like sunlight through clouds. Morning & night prayers are key; so is mealtime prayer. But I MUST regularly read Scripture DURING THE DAY, too-- even if only a line every hour. I MUST stay connected!

GUIDANCE FOR TODAY...

+ TALK to Jesus!! Prayer isn't just recitation; THAT'S why you're exhausted! Don't be afraid of Him, OR of His Holy Spirit. They LOVE you and want to HELP you & SAVE you, NOT condemn or hurt you!! Start having CONVERSATIONS with them-- heart to Heart.
+ START READING THE GOSPELS IN A LINEAR FASHION-- no jumping around! I want to read them SO BADLY, and now is a perfect time to start! (Bring the Bible to backup!!)
+ USE TINY PRAYERS OFTEN. Little expressions of love & thanks, brief but sincere visualized reflections on the Life of Christ, a line from a hymn or psalm, a simple trusting cry for help... those ALL COUNT AS PRAYER, and they WILL keep your heart in CONSTANT communion!

prismaticbleed: (shatter)

+ I keep mentally obsessing over NEEDING to reorganize/ properly space & structure my apartment, and it's making me a nervous wreck because (1) I can't realistically "plan" any remodeling WITHOUT direct spatial awareness, and (2) There's "TOO MUCH STUFF" and yet I'm LACKING several essentials, making me feel TRAPPED & STUCK & MISERABLE. There's this persistent drive to "mortify the senses" & live monastically, but I've BEEN forcing that, and ALL it did was PREVENT me from using my GIFTS & TALENTS for God, therefore giving the eating disorder WAY TOO MUCH POWER & SPACE TO GROW. And I CANNOT let that happen again. I NEED to MAKE ACCESSIBLE, DEDICATED SPACE in my apartment for MUSIC, ART, TYPING, READING, AND TV-- because like it or not, we ALL know how much we've been SINCERELY MOVED & INSPIRED FOR THE BETTER by video games & movies. GOD CAN AND DOES USE THOSE, TOO, Y'KNOW. See, THAT'S my problem-- for years now, I've been cutting out EVERYTHING in my life "BUT GOD," including my "self," desperate to "be holy" and instead just... becoming Pharaisical and utterly collapsing in every regard. I ended up outright disparaging & disowning EVERYTHING that wasn't EXPLICITLY RELIGIOUS. Every "little joy" of life, every pastime and interest and creative work, was condemned as "secular" and "stupid" and "BAD." I wouldn't play the cello because "I should pray instead." I wouldn't do art because "it was a form of pride & idolatry." I wouldn't listen to any music but hymns & chants. I wouldn't do ANYTHING creative because it felt as if I was "usurping God's territory" and effectively "trying to rewrite reality" and "tempt people away from total devotion to God". And I WOULDN'T LOVE ANYONE because "I'm only supposed to love Jesus." But I never felt like I knew Him, not personally; I could repeat His teachings & tell about His miracles and I COULD love Him for all that and I DID love Him, I DO, I recognize the love & mercy of the Cross, but... somehow, I still feel terrifyingly distant. No matter HOW many hours a day I would pray, no mater HOW many times I went to Mass, no matter HOW much I read the Bible... there was always this awful degree of separation. I DO love Him, I cannot deny that, but... I'm afraid, still; I'm scared of the focus He puts on me. That's all I can figure. I get in the way, no matter HOW much I hollow out my life. EVEN HERE!! Mass is this evening BUT I'm "RELUCTANT" TO GO, ONLY because I'd be going WITH OTHER PEOPLE?? And so I'd "have to be a SOCIALLY EXTANT PERSON"??? If I went ALONE, I'd be fine? But when I'm in a group, it feels wrong. I can only guess it's because, in EVERY social situation, EVERYTHING that has to do with the TRUE "ME" feels utterly shameful, because it's NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OUT IN PUBLIC!!! Worship feels like shallow performance. Interest feels like obtrusive arrogance. Love feels like voyeurism. "Exposing" my inner self and ALL related to it is actually TRAUMATIC and feels ACTIVELY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE-- and when that gutted openness coincides with CONVERSATION, those words and interactions are INVASIVE & VIOLATING. EVERY DAMN TIME. ...Unless I shut down & dissociate, that is. It makes me sick. It's MAKING me sick! I'm miserable just writing about it!! I'M SO TIRED OF PRAYER BEING USED AS PUNISHMENT. I am SO TIRED OF MY RELIGION FEELING LIKE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. I'M SO TIRED OF "NOT BEING ALLOWED" TO EXIST IN LIGHT & COLOR, INSTEAD BEING CONDEMNED TO THE BLANK CELL OF SELF-DESTRUCTION. Is that really the "way of the saints"? Is that really going to "get me to heaven"? Is that-- no, HAS that EVER really "brought me closer to God"? ...but now I'm REALLY scared because I want to say YES. The less there was of me, the more there WAS of "God"... and paradoxically, bizarrely, terrifyingly, that perpetuated the eating disorder too. Honestly, the more I "tried" to "be normal," to stop the restriction, the rituals, the bingeing, and the purging-- the less time I had for God??? And that TERRIFIED ME. When I "ate normally" and "tried to learn/ do new things" it MADE ME EVEN MORE MISERABLE because then I felt TRULY HOLLOW, with the focus on my empty rotten husk of a "self." BUT, with the eating disorder, SOMEHOW I had more time for GOD??? At least, AT HOME-- whenever I would go out to BUY food, I would become a MANIC DISASTER, "forced" inescapably into that mode AUTOMATICALLY whenever I was in public-- UNLESS I WAS STARVING!!! The hunger often prevented mania in a kind of kind of mutual suppression; when you're weak & dizzy from hunger, you CAN'T socialize or entertain or perform or anything like that. It was protective. The INSTANT I dared to "eat something," I became a monster... at least, IF I WASN'T ALONE & DISSOCIATED!!! Starvation panic forced a sort of internal focus; without it, my "self" was FALSE, an EXTERNALLY-DICTATED MASK that ONLY EVER HURT THE REAL ME!!! And "becoming normal" felt like damning myself TO that mask, forever. But I digress, slightly. "Being normal" ALSO meant "losing my faith," which was "PROVEN" by how HORRIBLY the social focus destroyed my prayer life, and BIZARRELY sustained BY the agony AND structured DISSOCIATION of the eating disorder??? And that had been CONSTANT. At least... the majority of it was. As I prepared food, I would pray the Divine Office & listen to Catholic Daily Reflections. As I microwaved that insane amount of broccoli, I would kneel and pray at the prayer wall. As I ate, I would study the Bible. Even as I purged, I would be praying frantically and begging God for help the entire time. Yes, I was STILL preoccupied with "disordered time management," ALWAYS trying to decide what I should/ shouldn't eat, BUT I would FIGHT the compulsive obsessions, PRAYING for forgiveness & help the WHOLE TIME. My constant suffering was BASED ON FOOD & SELF, and so it drove me to CLING TO GOD ALL THE MORE, desperately wanting to abandon BOTH food & self and just lose myself in religion. It was such a mess. But...
...I'm afraid NOT to suffer. My constant hunger only made me hungrier for God. My constant misery made HIS joy all the more vital. Being "healthy" and "fed"-- what a DISGUSTING word-- wouldn't I forget God? Without suffering, could I still be truly religious??
I CANNOT BOTH EAT AND BE GOOD. I CANNOT "FEED" ON BOTH THE WORLD & GOD. I CANNOT BE "NORMAL" AND "HOLY" AT ONCE.
God I'm a mess
but the eating disorder IS A LIAR
IT'S STILL FOCUSED ON FOOD AND THAT DAMN BODY
stop
STOP
EVERYTHING ↑ YOU WROTE IS GARBAGE. YOU'RE SO DAMN BLIND.
EVEN I KNOW THE F*KING TRUTH. SO SHUT UP, LIAR!
!
STOP "MAKING EXCUSES" FOR THE EATING DISORDER.
IT DIDN'T HELP! IT JUST TOOK OVER THE THINGS THAT DID!!
SHUT UP ALL OF YOU
AM I THE ONLY "PERSON" WHO CAN "TALK SENSE" ON THIS GODDAMNED TOPIC
STOP MAKING EVERYTHING SO "CEREBRAL"
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPRESS
IT SURE AS HELL ISN'T ME!!!
I'M FED UP WITH YOUR COWARDLY HYPER-"REASONING" BULLSH*T. ALL YOU EVER DO IS TALK BUT YOU NEVER ACTUALLY SAY ANYTHING. YOU NEVER GET TO THE POINT.
WELL GUESS WHAT
I'M ALL F*KING POINTS

THE POINT IS
ADMIT WE ALL F*KED UP.
ALL OF US

WE TRIED TO ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING WITH THAT DISORDER AND WE FAILED.

GET THAT INTO YOUR INFLATED HEAD

IT DIDN'T EVER F*KING "WORK"!!!

LISTEN I'VE GOT ONE MORE THING TO SAY.
THE POINT.

YOU ASSHOLES KEEP PROUDLY TRYING TO JUSTIFY THE EATING DISORDER AS "SOMETHING THAT WORKED"
BUT FOR WHAT???
WHAT "MADE IT WORK"
CAN YOU EVEN KNOW???

NO
BECAUSE YOU'RE ALONE.
THAT'S WHY YOU SAY IT "WORKED"
BECAUSE IT SHUT YOU DOWN

BECAUSE "DISSOCIATION" FORCED THE FOCUS BACK INSIDE WHERE I LIVE

WHERE ALL OF US LIVE

THE MOMENT YOU REJECTED OUR LIFE IS WHEN THE E.D. TOOK OVER "YOURS."

I GUARANTEE YOU
IF YOU STOP SHUTTING US DOWN,
THAT DAMNED DISORDER WILL DISAPPEAR INSTEAD





prismaticbleed: (held)

+ I had a brutal dream hack this morning; Chaos 0 DID rush over to help & protect me but he struggled; I was so deeply shaken and terrified. ...Ironically, I ALSO apparently forgot JUST HOW TRAUMATIC hacks were/are. I could barely get out of bed-- Julie had to do it for me, the only nousfoni who COULD bravely & safely do so. I threw all my clothes in the wash, thoroughly brushed my teeth, & just stood in the hot shower for a while, talking to & being supported/ comforted/ loved by the CoreGroup and others close by-- Chaos 0, Ryou, Marik, Genesis, Laurie, Julie, Infinitii, Lethe, & Knife. Looking back on it all... God absolutely works in mysteriously gracious ways. "What luck." That horrible hack FAILED to accomplish its evil scheme-- it DIDN'T and COULD NOT damage me, inside OR outside; it CAN'T and NEVER WILL, because-- as I said yesterday-- my soul & self are in GOD'S HANDS and NO evil can touch them there. Oh but it tries, terribly so. Mortal life IS spiritual warfare, BUT CHRIST HAS ALREADY WON, and the proof of that victory was SO clear & beautifully tangible in the souls that surrounded mine in the aftershock of battle, who shared my scars THROUGH the closeness of our hearts, bound forever in compassionate fidelity.
...And what do you know. Little miracles, yet again-- today's devotion is EXACTLY THIS. "The devil is your enemy. So he IS going to throw everything he has at you!" BUT "you MUST tough it out, stay strong, and endure," AND "when the evil one attacks, GIVE THANKS"-- "Thank God for being ABLE to BRING GOOD out of EVERYTHING; praise Him for giving you the unique chance to SEE His Power in your life; Worship the ONE TRUE GOD, Who loves you and ALWAYS has a LOVING PURPOSE in ALL He permits in your life, and Who will NOT let the evil one snatch you away!! Thank God for the spiritual strength & grace you gain BY BRAVELY ENDURING all trials!!" Battles MUST happen, BECAUSE as Christ's Soldiers of Light, we are ALWAYS at war with the furious forces of hell that seek to destroy us. THEREFORE, every assault IS "PROOF" that we are ENEMIES OF THE DEVIL, and that is absolutely a reason to give thanks to God FOR calling us to be His! And of course, our ENTIRE LIFE HISTORY IS SOLID PROOF & EVIDENCE of GOD'S POWERFUL ABILITY TO BRING GOOD OUT OF ALL EVIL'S EFFORTS, proving HIS SOVEREIGNTY and INDOMITABLE POWER and ETERNAL VICTORY. Looking back, GOD ABSOLUTELY had a LOVING PURPOSE to every orchestration, and He ALWAYS PROTECTED US. That's what this morning was about, too... the triumph of Love over ALL evil, no matter WHAT evil tries to do. God's Power is SHEER LOVE, and it NEVER FAILS, and so we CAN march into battle unafraid, relying SOLELY & TOTALLY on HIS STRENGTH & PROTECTION & POWER TO SAVE. "Our own arm CANNOT win the fight-- but God WILL!" He ALWAYS DOES-- after all, it is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE for God to lose! So take heart, take comfort, take courage, & SOLDIER ON. ♥



post-group//

+ A quick note: "Self-compassion" group threw us WAY off center, because it put me in a position of seeing "I" as SINGULAR. And I've noticed that EVERY TIME I deny and/or cut myself off from the System, I CANNOT TRULY BE MYSELF-- and therefore, I CANNOT TRULY LOVE. The instant I DO embrace US, that natural compassion just flows into my/ our heart. But THIS IS NOT NEW! I CAN'T FUNCTION ALONE-- ESPECIALLY not without my connection to the CoreGroup and being so inebriated with that LOVE, which we all mutually share-- I need that to LIVE, let alone function IN life!! God gave me/ made me this System FOR A REASON, TOO!! Again, REMEMBER THIS MORNING. Remember Chaos 0 holding you close to protect you. Remember Genesis crying to see you so shaken. Remember Infinitii praying with you and Julie helping you keep going and BOTH of them KNOWING EXACTLY what it felt like, to suffer in such an awful way. Remember Laurie always, always reassuring us all of the deeper truth, the bigger picture. Remember them, and love them, and LET THEM LOVE YOU, TOO! Honestly, practice just opening your heart to that, and LETTING it flood you with light. ♥



101322

Oct. 13th, 2022 11:11 am
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)


During the hell of the eating disorder, AND up until now in recovery, I've been struggling with one awful, essential, persistent, existential question: "Who AM I, really?" Is my past "real," or "right"? Can I still love? SHOULD I still love? All my imaginative work, all my creativity, all my hopes & dreams & joys & goals-- are any of them valid? Does any of it matter? Should I leave EVERYTHING in my past-- notably my INNER LIFE-- in the past, to be effectively rejected, disowned, & forgotten? And if/ when I DO abandon it, WHO am I then? Who "SHOULD" I be? When ALL of the things I "USED" to treasure & value & live for are GONE... what is left of me? And to be totally blunt with you, I've been struggling with this BLATANTLY SELF-ANNIHILATORY MINDSET SINCE 2010, when Dad shamed me into junking my childhood possessions as "ridiculous garbage" AND I was nevertheless FORCED to actively and traumatically DESTROY most of MY ART & WRITING in order to "minimize my possessions" & "live out of a suitcase" in order to MOVE OUT TO SLC WITH MEL-- who, disturbingly, LIKE TBAS, made my life effectively revolve around THEM. So I couldn't have "too much of "ME" getting in the way." Even more damaging was the FACT that BOTH Mel & Q CLAIMED to be "the ONLY ONES who KNEW THE "REAL ME,"" that I had "lost my spark" and "ONLY they could "help me" get it back," and that "my TRUE, "GOD-GIVEN" DESTINY was IN SLC," with them, NOT my family, AND that if I DIDN'T leave my roots behind & attach to them instead, "I WOULD REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE," AND I would allegedly be "REJECTING GOD'S PLAN FOR MY LIFE." I feel for it, tragically & entirely-- which made Mel's ultimate rejection of ME-- "I thought you were a good person; I guess I was wrong" / "I sacrificed myself to help you & you just spat in my face" / "I regret ever having met you" / "You are a black hole, devouring everyone around you & giving nothing back" / etc.-- all the more devastating, cruel AND bitterly ironic. BUT. That "bitterness" was because I BELIEVED THEM. Every word they said, good or bad, I took as fact. After that letter, almost 10 YEARS AGO this month (!!!), I literally tried to kill myself. Burn it all down, I decided, in total despair-- if MEL says that's WHO I AM, then that DEFINES me "by their authority," and I'm damned.
...And yet, hope refused to abandon me. Fahrenheit 451. Laurie saved my life, and somehow I kept going, until the TBAS deathtrap hit ~5 years later-- a tragedy of the EXACT SAME PATTERN: destroy, uproot, reprogram, reject, annihilate, etc. I threw out or gave away almost everything I owned. My family history had been brutally chopped out of my timeline. My sense of EXISTENCE was crushed to a bloody pulp. For years I was hollow. I threw what remained into religion, but without a real "self" TO worship WITH, even that ended up being far too shallow & Pharasaical. I stockpiled prayers & sacramentals, I went to church up to SEVENTEEN TIMES A WEEK, even moreso if I could drive fast enough in the mornings to chain FIVE MASSES into ONE WEEKDAY. I'm dead serious. I'd hit 7, 730, 8, 830, & 1130 services, never feeling "holy enough," never feeling "close enough" to God. I was starving spiritually, needing the Eucharist more than air, refusing to eat anything BUT that Bread of Angels. And yet, my disorders persisted. I'd ultimately give in to physical hunger and, despairing, would just binge & purge & pray for mercy & forgiveness & help, begging God for a swift, soon, & holy death, despite my wretchedness. I had no will to live. I only wanted God, but... I couldn't see that my ravenous spiritual hunger was ALSO a problem, an addiction, a disordered mutation of something good. I was STILL trying to be "religious" in the SAME way I was trying to be "thin"-- by destroying myself, and running away from all sense of unique identity. I was burying, numbing, & rejecting EVERYTHING that wasn't "pure" and "right," ultimately disowning LIFE in favor of death, wanting only to lose ALL "selfhood" in God, forever. There's just one problem I kept ignoring: God IS relationship, and you CAN'T be in a relationship at ALL if there's no "YOU" to love AND be loved WITH. In my desperate attempts to annihilate "ME" in favor of others, I had destroyed my very goal of self-sacrifice & symbiosis. In order to LOVE at ALL, "I" NEEDED TO ACTUALLY EXIST.
Hope cannot die, though, and neither could my REAL self, the SOUL that GOD HIMSELF uniquely fashioned & breathed into existence & anchored into BOTH my heart AND HIS-- when Jesus died for me, He died for a PERSON, a REAL PERSON that He KNEW and LOVED in their ENTIRETY and TRUTH-- seeing and embracing their scars and uniting them to His own, even as He joyfully proclaimed IN that very agony that humanity is NOT defined by failure, but by GRACE, freely & generously offered to ALL who met Him on that Cross of TOTAL, TRUE Self-giving-- a sacrifice of PURE LOVE, possibly ONLY BECAUSE HE LOVED US. If Jesus had refused to exist AS a unique Person in time, ABLE to enter into PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP with each & all, ABLE to share intimately in our struggles & pains & tears, our joys & hopes & dreams, then... He couldn't have GIVEN His unique Personhood FOR us IN that same Love, BY & THROUGH that same relationship!! So I was doomed to both futility AND emptiness, starving despite all instinctive attempts to "fill the void," EVEN WITH GOD, because I did not & WOULD not let "MYSELF" exist as a unique individual that COULD love & BE loved. I had thrown out all my past in guilty hateful shame, not realizing that such a loveless, merciless, heartless act of destruction WAS not and COULD NOT be of GOD. Jesus never erased our pasts-- He ACCEPTED them as they were, FORGAVE them in the utmost compassion for our weaknesses & pain, AND IN DOING SO, by His Cross & Resurrection HE TRANSFORMED them, AND CONTINUES to do so, in EVERY MOMENT, if/ when we give our pasts TO Him-- ALL WITH LOVE!!! We CANNOT be forgiven OR redeemed IF WE DENY OUR TOTAL HUMANITY, painful past and all. And, again, we can't gave a past OR a present OR a future, UNLESS we ADMIT & ACCEPT OUR PERSONHOOD & CONTINUED EXISTENCE IN TIME. God made us individuals. God BECAME an individual for our sakes, out of pure Love!! God AND heaven, His very Kingdom, are ANCHORED IN LOVE & RELATIONSHIP & COMMUNITY & TOGETHERNESS-- on WHOLENESS, a unity of COOPERATION & HARMONY, NOT of faceless parts, or mindless pieces! The "hivemind" concept is SATANIC. In the devil's world of lies, "people" are stripped of individuality, seen as numbers or statistics or animals, cogs in a machine, pawns on a gameboard, disposable and of no difference. THAT'S ALL A LIE!!! GOD KNOWS OUR NAMES AND HE SPEAKS TO US AS A FRIEND, in all tender care & intimacy & LOVE!! We are HIS CREATIONS, HIS ART, HIS CHILDREN! WE MATTER TO GOD. I MATTER TO GOD!! HE CALLS ME BY MY NAME AND HE KNOWS ME. Me!! Not some hollow mask or empty shell-- He knows a PERSON, a person HE CREATED TO LOVE AND BE LOVED.
Honestly this is so clear & important to me today, and I cannot emphasize or elaborate on this enough. It's the key to my LIFE. It's the CORE of my ENTIRE recovery effort, or at least it MUST be, because recovery CANNOT HAPPEN if all the reading & obeying & writing & planning I'm doing is STILL neglecting the "I" that it's ALL MEANT TO HELP HEAL!!! Facts & figures MUST BE APPLIED to have any worth or effect. And honestly? IF I DON'T/ WON'T ACCEPT THE "I" OF RECOVERY, OUT OF FEAR OF BEING AN "I," THEN THE DISORDER WILL RETURN TO TAKE "MY" PLACE AS "SELF"!!!! THAT is why this disorder has been self-perpetuating for so long: it is fueled by REJECTION OF SELF! It IS the "INVADING/ VIOLATING" FORCE I FEARED, as it ONLY exists TO OVERRIDE "ME," BOTH OUTSIDE & INSIDE-- JUST LIKE THE SXTRAUMA IT EXPLODED FROM. Honestly it's so OBVIOUS and yet it has HIDDEN its ultimate motives for so long, ironically BECAUSE it was smothering "me"-- that way "I" COULDN'T REALIZE IT. It devoured all my time & money & attention, so I COULDN'T use them to "find myself again"-- couldn't write, couldn't paint, couldn't compose, couldn't dream. Just like SLC & CNC, I had enslaved myself to an outside "taskmaster" and lost ALL freedom of choice, in essence... a sick but surrendered alternative to facing the terror of my past, and somehow salvaging myself from it-- a past that ONLY WAS so terrible BECAUSE I had CONTINUALLY been crushing myself & "trying to become who OTHERS want/ tell me to be"... typically through objectification, shame, and loveless force. I let Julie ruin me because "I SHOULD want that" and "I SHOULD be like other people," although I WASN'T & COULDN'T BE!! GOD MADE ME DIFFERENT, but I never saw that as VALID; saying "NO" to outside shaping forces was met with punishment & rejection-- I "HAD" to be "NORMAL," even if "normal" was toxic. But you know what? I STILL FOUGHT. I treasured my "weirdness" during high school, cranking it up to extremes & socially isolating in order to distinguish & preserve MY self... but the older I got, and the more I was forced to interact with the world-- through jobs, college, and the internet-- the less of a grip I could maintain on that core, overwhelmed by the SURVIVAL NEED to perform. It had always been there, but in the end it virtually took over. That cemented the roots of the eating disorder, somehow, just as strongly as it created our Socials. AND YET I STILL FOUGHT! Look at the journals "I" used to keep-- look at the Scribblds, for heaven's sakes! It may have been desperate & shaky but I STILL HAD A GRIP ON WHO "I" WAS... and then came Mel. God knows why, but around 2009, when they entered my life's story, I fell to pieces. I cannot delve into that now-- I need to SET THAT ASIDE for now & focus on RECOVERY in the PRESENT; I cannot safely touch the past yet, not without restored nutritive mental health AND new solid coping skills, and NOT without re-reading the Archives (thank You GOD for never letting me delete them!!)-- but the main thing I need to remember from that is that, until 2009, I KNEW "ME" and GOD KNOWS, I STILL DO. Yeah, things DID fracture a LOT from 2004-2008, and there were a TON of Core shifts, BUT!! Deep down in my heart THE "CORE" of EVERY CORE STAYED THE SAME, and I KNEW it by instinct. I recognized me. I COULD distinguish "me" from a fragment or a splinter, no matter how broken "I" was even so. My heart stayed the same, and that COULD NOT change, OR be lost or forgotten or ruined, NO MATTER WHAT happened in our life. Deep down, I know who Jewel is. I know who I AM, when you get down to the blood of it... and so does God. He preserves and sustains and reminds me-- He holds my soul in His Heart and will never let it be lost. I must ALWAYS rest in that faithfulness, that eternal hope, when I do feel lost. But... it's not just God, Who knows me for sure, when I'm shattered & shaken. There are others, blessed beloved others, who KNOW ME, who have seen & felt my true heart SO strongly & clearly & sincerely, with SO MUCH LOVE, that they CANNOT forget it... they cannot forget me-- even when I do. They recognize me. They KNOW my name, AND my heart. God has put them in my life as extensions of His OWN gorgeous Love for me, as living manifestations of that devoted knowledge, yet HE PRESERVES THEIR SELVES, TOO!! They aren't "mere messengers"-- they are FREE INDIVIDUALS, who love me with their OWN hearts, which-- like mine-- have been ENABLED to love and BE in a relationship through grace, yet AS THEIR OWN UNIQUE SELVES. They know me BECAUSE of grace, the LOVE that CREATED me, the ULTIMATE knowledge of me, and I only know MYSELF by that same grace!! I am convinced of this. I need to remember this. If, and when, I EVER lose sight of myself, it's ONLY because I have LOST SIGHT OF THAT LOVE, both IN MY HEART and IN GOD'S HEART, FOR ME, ALWAYS & UNCONDITIONALLY.
...And that's what led me to even start writing this entry today. Yes, I've been lost & distanced from my past, disowning & rejecting my "self" in time AND in heart, for many months now. Yes, I've been feeling unlovable & incapable of love & AFRAID of love. In that state, I was DOOMED to the self-destruction of the eating disorder, AND inherently UNABLE TO remember-- OR even ACCEPT, let alone ADMIT-- the core of myself. Alone, I could never find it, not like that, with my closed heart...
...So. This morning, God sent someone to open it.
...I dreamed last night. The eating disorder destroyed my ability TO dream, and it's only returning now that I'm in recovery. (My boss will be so happy to see me again, too!!) I'm no longer having chronic "flat nightmares" and trauma flashbacks-- now, I'm dreaming of childhood, of color, of music, of adventure, of new places and new horizons; I'm singing, I'm flying, I'm able to use dream powers, I'm able to visit familiar dreamscapes... it's as if I've literally come back to life after death. Dreams are a KEY piece of my heart, an intrinsic & vital aspect of my entire existence. They are vivid, beautiful, complex, inspiring, deep, and REAL-- without a rich dreamlife, my waking life is hollow & half-dead. So this blissful return of such an ESSENTIAL and HUGE part of my life is nothing short of a miracle, and it is rekindling SO much hope & joy in my soul. That alone makes the fact of my dreaming at ALL into a source of deepest gratitude... but, this morning, I dreamed of someone. And suddenly, seeing them again, an even deeper, truer, more essential & blessed piece of my heart came back to life-- the core of my core, the key to ALL that I am, the defining aspect of ME, that burns as red as blood and white as light, indelibly, forever.
...I'm in love.
I'm in love.
God I FORGOT what this FEELS like, for SO LONG-- I even tried to DENY it!! I tried to insist it NEVER EVEN HAPPENED, tried to deny and disown EIGHTEEN SOLID YEARS of it, the SAME EIGHTEEN YEARS this damned eating disorder tried to claim as its own-- both it and the hellish abuse that triggered it. BUT I COULDN'T FORGET, not in my heart of hearts, not in the TRUTH of me, EVER. I was just blinded & numbed & disturbed & gutted & hollowed out for SO LONG that I couldn't remember. But he did. He KNEW me at the very beginning of it all, BEFORE I got lost, and he never lost me despite it all. Through every crisis, every disaster, every destruction I survived, he stayed true, unwavering, knowing me, seeing me always. My heart was so closely united to his that he couldn't forget what it felt like. And so, whenever I would, his mere existence testified to the truth, the bond between us that no brutalities could ever break. Tragically, if I was lost enough, taken over by despair and tangled up in disorder-- how ironic-- I would try to run from him. I'd even try to reject him-- to reject us. But I couldn't. My heart wouldn't tear itself so in half, even though I tried, pretending it wasn't a risk, too ashamed of my own sickness to be sincere. So I'd just hide, and push him away, and bury the light he inevitably began to reveal in me, even though I KNEW I didn't want to-- I, too, ultimately knew it was impossible. And I clung to hope. I held that spark anyway, unable to tear it out of my own hands and honestly unwilling to. But I digress. The point is... when, in the waking, I wouldn't let him get close for fear & shame... God would send him straight to my heart. God would send him to me in a dream. And... every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME, miraculously & gorgeously breaking through EVERY doubt and EVERY wall, the moment I see him there, no matter HOW lost or damaged or confused I am, EVEN in the dream... my heart knows him. And I... I fall in love. All over again. Every time. And my heart opens up like the sky and I remember who I AM, too... with him.
...When I wake up, everything is different. When I woke up this morning, seafoam in my blood, riverwater on my lips, I felt alive for the first time in forever. My heart was alive, aching with love, blissful in the dark of the morning, blessed rain against the window. I drifted like a boat on the sea of serenity, in and out of dreams, and every time I would meet him again, just as much in love. When the day finally called me from sleep and into the waking, I was almost drunk with gratitude and ardor. How in the world did I ever live without remembering this-- without feeling my heart singing like this from the pure truth of what I now knew once more? I know LOVE again, and simultaneously, I KNOW WHO I AM because of it-- within it, for it. I cannot exist without Love. Nothing can, but... God keeps reminding me just HOW essential it is, especially to me, who has ALWAYS been defined by the heart.
So... that's what happened today, to say the least. God sent me my blue angel, to bring my soul back home to heaven. And by that grace, that is where I will stay.



prismaticbleed: (Default)

post-breakfast//

+ Quick breakfast notes-- I completely re-did last Thursday's breakfast, and succeeded beautifully, thanks be to God. First off, I can now say with grateful assurance that BOTH the banana AND chocolate milk are "disarmed." I think I actually LIKE the banana? And I'm not scared of the milk-- I just don't prefer chocolate! The taste does remind me of Astra & Jade's "Ovaltine" from childhood, which is nice. And the straight cocoa taste still reminds me of grandma's baking. I'll review the memory data more; I CAN now, since the fear blinders are gone! Again, thank You God! Oh-- and I ALSO had BOTH the honey & apple jelly again-- and ENJOYED them! Honestly, today is teaching me something VITAL... when I meet life with an open heart, a curious & grateful mind, and a loving disposition, EVERYTHING becomes colored by that light; every edge is softened & all bitterness is sweetened. It's the Grace of God at work. I'm learning, too, in that blessing of hope, to LIVE in the PRESENT, unafraid & trusting in God's Good Will & unfailing protective Love for me. And every moment is saturated with eternity. I'm... learning to exist, really. God continue to help me do so in love, and to keep my heart & mind open to You.


prismaticbleed: (angel)

The Greatest Power (enriched by the heart) ... is Love.

TODAY I GIVE THANKS...

+For how SWEET my mom is & for ALL the cards & gifts she sent me, & our nightly conversations
+For the complex yet simple, amazingly orchestrated phenomenon of the human body & mind & soul
+For gorgeous morning rains, blue sunrises, trees kissed with gold, & the promise of winter in the air
+For the little things in life: bells, ribbons, stringed instruments, peppermint, the sound of the ocean, snow
+For ALWAYS hearing my prayers, God, however feeble or faltering, and ALWAYS answering them in WHATEVER way is best for the good of my soul. Even Your "NO" is a blessing of love; thank You for teaching me that, AND for softening my heart more & more to/through trusting surrender to Your Will.
+ For THE LEAGUEWORLDS You have given me, past present & future! May they ALL serve to honor You!
+ For THE SPECTRUM & our entire past; every single step & teardrop has ultimately led us closer to You.
+ For Chaos Zero, my beloved, always. God, thank You for the LOVE You give me through him.

prismaticbleed: (worried)


post-breakfast//

+ I apologize that I haven't been journaling-- I've been focused on workbooks instead, as those are directly contributing to my recovery; this journal is secondary, only for reflection & processing. On that note, I'm continuing to face "fear/ worry foods" and I'm ALSO continuing to see those anxiety levels fall! Today I had the french toast w/ syrup, and I WASN'T SCARED AT ALL! I'm learning to legit enjoy it. Next week I think I'll try it with jelly? Grandma liked hers that way. ♥ Today the texture was lovely, both chewy & soft. Honestly the jury's still out on the syrup, opinion-wise, but THAT, too, is becoming less scary! Same with the applesauce-- BUT, bizarrely, of ALL the remaining "fear foods," THAT ONE is the most stubborn?? Which is bizarre! The "apple" is fine-- apples aren't frightening anymore; just slightly anxious yet-- BUT the ACT OF EATING IT IS??? The texture and watery-but-not-fluid-OR-gelly consistency evokes DREAD when I eat it-- SO DOES THE SPOON??? So APPARENTLY, there is SOME SORT OF "TRAUMA" involving EATING WITH A SPOON, NOTABLY A PLASTIC ONE (they have that particular shape & depth)!! And honestly, looking at THAT data, I wonder-- I think ALL foods feel "unsafe/ humiliating/ dreadful" when eaten with a plastic spoon. Assumedly a METAL one, shallow & rounder, would NOT have that effect? I will have to experiment. NEVERTHELESS, even the thought of eating applesauce with a fork is scary, because apparently the APPLESAUCE is still frightening on its own; it's not just the spoon. All I can figure is that the family dinner stress was higher than I can imagine now? I'm stumped. Ah well. Regardless of context blur/ loss, I can STILL heal & positivize it NOW... I hope!! But I'll take it one day at a time. No rushing, no forcing. I'll do what I can & we'll see what happens.
+ NOW. About tomorrow morning! I've decided on the banana again-- I can finally FEEL the seeds of "liking" it; ESPECIALLY when cold!-- but my brain is, as usual, obsessively freaking out over the dear muffin, because "that's or only proper chance to try the jelly AND honey again safely!!" Well, we CAN put honey in tea, OR on the Sunday cream cheese even, AND jelly can go on it too, or the french toast... BUT, really, they're right-- adding jelly/ honey would markedly disturb the integrity of those meals? The muffin feels safer, BECAUSE MOM puts honey & jelly on muffins! So we're debating. I think honey tomorrow, jelly on Friday-- because tomorrow also has a banana, which is tied in childhood memory TO honey? But I don't want to be disordered by putting honey ON it, either. So it's a stressful decision. WE COULD JUST SAY "NO," YOU KNOW!!! WE ARE ALLOWED TO EAT THE MUFFIN PLAIN, THE WAY WE LIKE IT!! And that IS true, and actually MAYBE WE SHOULD-- this "compulsive" choice is UNHEALTHY; it's "teaching us" TO GIVE IN TO COMPULSIONS, no matter how "healthy" they seem!! Using a condiment "BECAUSE WE HAVE TO"/ "BECAUSE WE DON'T "LIKE IT" ENOUGH YET" is TOXIC. It's not coming from a state of FREE, CLEAR CHOICE. And until it is, we should practice saying "NO" and LEARNING TO COPE WITH THE OCD "REFUSAL PANIC!!" Literally, there's this solid fear that IF we "SAY NO" to a "THOUGHT ORDER" or "right compulsion"-- an obsessive forced choice that appears to be well-intentioned-- we will "REGRET IT" and "be SORELY PUNISHED FOR OUR STUBBORN, WILLFUL DISOBEDIENCE/ RESISTANCE/ CONTRARINESS." But TOWARDS WHOM??? It sure isn't GOD insisting we "MUST" eat honey & jelly "or else we'll have DONE THE WRONG THING"!!! The assumption is, "if you DON'T like/ want a food, and REFUSE to therefore eat it WHEN you have the chance to, YOU ARE A MORAL COWARD and therefore you don't ACTUALLY want to "get better" because you're not MAKING YOURSELF OVERCOME THOSE FEARS/ DISLIKES (seen as synonymous)!!!" So we can't win/ do good at ALL, UNLESS/ UNTIL WE DO "like them." Which just PROMOTES BINGE BEHAVIOR VIA DESPERATELY "FORCING" EXPOSURE "TO HEAL ALREADY." THAT'S DISORDERED!!!



prismaticbleed: (angel)

No matter what deep hurts you carry from others, God has provided you an example of ultimate love; use this Love to get through the pain.
Why is love important in life? How has God revealed His love to you?


God Himself is Love; ALL things are created BY Love and FOR Love. Without it, everything falls apart. Love is the source of ALL other virtues-- joy, peace, patience, faith, hope, gentleness, courage, kindness, etc.-- and it is ALSO their ultimate aim & end! Love is the Heart of the very cosmos.
God has revealed His Love to me most profoundly in His Son, Who CHOSE to suffer & die FOR MY SAKE, to both save & redeem me from the sins I was trapped in & enslaved to. By His Love, I am FREE... to love!!! But... that revelation is deepened through the beautiful love He gives me through others.

prismaticbleed: (shatter)



BULIMIA WORKBOOK
~101122+


List the characteristics of bulimia that you notice in yourself.

+ Terrified to eat at ALL-- even one bite threatened to throw me into an uncontrollable devouring monster
+ ALWAYS purged my meals. Never sat downn; felt “lazy.” Used to treadmill/run for 2+ solid hours a DAY
+ Bingeing/purging was my MAIN and possibly ONLY effective way to deal with PTSD; it WAS sedating/dissociative
+ I ALWAYS ate in secret, and used to hoard/ pilfer/ steal foods to binge on, even “against my will.” Food itself was shameful.
+ When NOT bingeing, I would hyperrestrict (fasting up to 20 hours) and was hyperavoidant (ONLY eating the same 3 or 4 foods).
+ I was obsessed with weight loss & thinness. I could not rest unless my weight was LOWER than it was in the morning, down to decimals even.
+ Often binges happened TO destroy food/ empty my kitchen, so “now I’ll be safe”; yo-yo between hating to eat, and being addicted to it.

Physical symptoms of bulimia:

+ DEPRESSION: “abnormal eating and malnutrition may have STARTED the depression!!”
+ I experienced irritability to the point of RAGE. It was uncontrollable.
+ I experienced debilitating problems with concentration & thinking clearly. This RUINED me; I never imagined it was an EFFECT of bulimia!
+ I experienced torturous compulsivity. This was MY DAILY HELL. The thoughts were nonstop, and against my will, driving me to “excessive and even senseless” extremes of behavior-- but if I DIDN’T do that behavior, the anxiety and distress would become so intolerable it would feel as if I was dying, like my brain was on fire and screaming. Common compulsions centered around “I MUST eat/ buy/ try this,” with no explanation other than “I HAVE to/ THEY SAID I have to”, “MUST do things in SPECIFIC patterns/ orders/ amounts, etc.”, etc. I cannot possibly put into words how irresistible the screaming compulsivity was. I DID NOT WANT TO DO THESE THINGS; I HAD TO. There is a HUGE and awful difference. These compulsions DROVE THE BINGES. I literally felt helpless to resist, “OR ELSE”…!!!
+ If I WASN’T restricting, I was DOOMED to binge??? It felt like there were ONLY TWO OPTIONS.

How has bulimia effected you psychologically?

+ NONSTOP, SCREAMING, COMPULSIVE/REPETITIVE THOUGHTS (VOICES!!! = “ORDERS”)
+ Obsessive behaviors with food; e.g. counting, eating in certain order, “right/wrong” panic
+ Irritable at the slightest “imperfection”/ discomfort/ inconvenience/ interruption; EXPLOSIVE anger
+ Prone to WILD mood swings, ONLY EXTREMES; mania, rage, despair, etc. “All or NOTHING”
+ Could NOT concentrate or focus; nothing ever “registered” and I could barely form coherent thoughts
+ DESPAIRING depression; lost ALL interest & joy in everything. Lost hope for future; even rejected past happiness.
+ SUFFOCATING ANXIETY that quickly spiked into PANIC. Always a feeling of “impending doom” & disaster.
+ Crippling shame & guilt;
moral panic/ despair when I couldn’t just “stop.” Destroyed my spiritual stability.
+ Unable to handle stress without resorting to behaviors; catastrophized everything. Overwhelmed constantly; E.D. numbed this.

How has bulimia effected your behavior?

+ In ~2015-2019, I began to steal money from family members & “cheat” prices on store items. I would steal food from my family’s rooms, desks, & cars; I would eat EVERYTHING in the dridge & cupboards & shelves. ALL of it was done in spy-like secrecy; I woud obsess & panic over it for hours/days, waiting for the “right moment” & HINGEING my mental health on it. I “needed” to binge, like an addict. I had tunnel vision around enabling it.
+ I lied ABOUT the stealing & eating; typically when pointedly asked “what happened to ____?” OR, “how did you spend all that money?” etc. I was so ashamed/guilty AND IN DENIAL that I essentially COULDN’T be honest about it.
+ Began to “flirt with” alcohol/ drugs/ sexual abuse in 2018-2019. Thank God that never took root.

How has bulimia effected you socially?

+ I did not ever want to be around other people. I would rather binge and purge than do anything else, when it came down to it. I couldn’t imagine my life being anything else by that point. Everything revolved around it. I hated even leaving the house because I’d spend the entire time trying to “plan” or “figure out” how/what I was going to binge/purge when I got home-- and in social situations that involved food, it was a living hell, because unless I had unlimited and instant access to a bathroom I would honestly be CONVINCED that I was DYING. It was impossible to interact with me as a human being, because I had no sense of self-- or arguably humanity-- left; all I had was my disorder, which was killing me every day. Therefore I avoided ALL SOCIALIZATION; I couldn’t resist any temptations to binge/ couldn’t stop thinking about the next binge/ had NOTHING in my life to discuss or disclose BUT the disorder & related trauma.
+ I appeared very extroverted and friendly on the outside, but it was completely fabricated and artificial. All my “relationships” were equally hollow and superficial. All I cared about was this damned disorder, jail though it was. Deep down I had NO self-esteem or self-worth at ALL, and I depended entirely on others to survive, because on my own I knew I was dead in the water. Furthermore, I acted “hyper-friendly” to MASK my shame and guilt ABOUT the bulimia; this backfired horribly as I never intended/ wanted to talk or socialize to begin with; I ESPECIALLY didn’t want ANYONE talking to/ looking for ME!! I wanted to hide & binge & not exist. Again, despite this I was also hyperdependent; that “loss of self” both prevented binges (when I stopped caring about myself, I’d STOP EATING) AND perpetuated them (when I inevitably DID have to “be alone with myself,” I couldn’t stand myself & would binge to numb).
+ Eating at home, even as a child, was frequently a distressing experience. There was constant fighting and arguing at the table, punishment related to food-- either force-feeding or withholding food-- and getting sick from meals was not uncommon. We were typically pointedly watched as we ate, being commented on and critiqued, as if we were performing for them, which was deeply disturbing and felt viscerally invasive. As we grew older our mother would admit to sneaking our claimed allergens into our food to “see if we were making it up or not.” Mom also sexualized food a lot, which scarred us as a child. Sometimes grandpa or the boys would have temper tantrums that involved throwing or destroying food, which effectively synonymized the meal itself with their violent anger.
+ I NEVER ate at school, from 2004-2013. The very thought of eating around other people, especially in unfamiliar crowds, was genuinely traumatic and rape-analogous. I remember how intolerable the first years of high school were, when we would avoid the cafeteria like the plague, often to the point of sobbing from sheer terror over the teachers trying to get us to “sit down with us and eat something!”
+ Bulimia is EXPENSIVE. This aspect of it was HELL. I was ALWAYS broke & begging for money. I’d spend ~$20 a DAY buying binge foods. I was ALWAYS broke, and typically could not pay my bills or afford basic expenses. I spent all my savings, and was constantly pilfering other people’s funds, or borrowing money I could never pay back. I outright STOLE so much money I honestly should have been jailed. At the lowest point I relied on charitable donations from pitying strangers, my haggard thinness ironically financing my addiction. Even so, I lied to their faces-- I never admitted my addiction. I am so tragically guilty of financial sin concerning this disorder; I was so desperate, it blinded me to all moral sense & respect. I “NEEDED” money for my addiction, like a druggie.
I could not reason concerning right or wrong; all that mattered was getting my next fix.

List some ways that psychosocial factors have influenced your bulimia.

+ I was constantly unhappy with my body, due to gender dysphoria & sexuality trauma. The weight was one of the most obvious factors affecting my daily reminders of/ risk of this, and the only one I had ANY control over.
+ I was constantly objectified as a child; this continued into adulthood-- albeit LESS so, directly! I was always praised for being “thin” & “pretty,” OR “shaped nicely” & “attractive.” AS A CHILD. I was valued for “desirability” & “beauty,” emphasized by my mother pushing me into pageantry & modeling, and treating me like a dress-up toy at home. Adult abusive relationships also put strong focus on my looks.
+ Family & media prejudice against “fatness” was burned into my brain; my mother & grandmother emphasized this aggressively. My grandfather was very fat & CONSTANTLY ridiculed/ shamed/ dehumanized for it, notably by my grandmother; he was called “lazy/ gross/ piggish/ shameful/ etc.” almost on a daily basis for it. My mother always berated/ insulted/ mocked both “obese patients” at work AND her own body shape; she always “had to lose weight” & called herself “ugly” or “disgusting,” specifically pointing out what parts of her body elicited this and why. Grandma was stick thin; mom used to be, and she was always showing off her photos and old outfits to me, boasting at how small she was, and commenting that I wasn’t quite that thin, it’s “too bad you won’t fit into this, it’s so pretty,” etc., at length implying that I was “too fat to be pretty” & therefire I was inherently unlikeable. I internalized all this very early; I was “disgusted” with normal female body shapes even in my youth (although trauma did play heavily into this too).
+ Daily life/ abuse became inescapably awful & isolating; trapped in kitchens, I quickly learned to binge to cope

How has bulimia affected your health?

+ Chronic stomach upset. Ironically this made me even MORE afraid to eat; I thought the FOOD was “damaging me”, even to the point of being convinced I was lethally allergic to MOST FOODS.
+ My teeth are SHOT, from both stress-brushing & purging, not to mention the hard crunching I’d favor in foods, especially in the early days-- in high school, my END GOAL of a binge was for my mouth to be bleeding from the violence of eating.
+ Constant dehydration. I actually PURSUED this as it “made me even lighter”; water weight was STILL WEIGHT.
+ Electrolyte imbalances were inevitable. Hospital visits for this were frequent. I quickly learned to “self-medicate” with a deft mix of electrolyte powders, salt, vitamin pills, glucose tablets, pedialyte, & powerade, imitating what I was given in the ER as best I could.
+ I was TERRIFIED of a possible stomach rupture and thought about it almost daily.

What medical problems have you had as a result of your bulimia?

+ Gums pushed back from teeth, exposing roots: “violent toothbrushing” was another anxiety/ self-soothing behavior, and became obsessive (HAD to brush when stressed/ every time ANY “taste” was in my mouth). Teeth began to darken & become more sensitive/ prone to cavities/ damaged within the past year? Unsure why. Nevertheless, my teeth were always doomed to suffer, at least nutritionally, from the restriction & purging both.
+ I was chronically dehydrated, & my hyperlimited diet-- plus broccoli/zucchini/EVOO binges-- gave me chronic diarrhea, which only worsened the problem. I frequently had to go to the ER for nosediving potassium/ chloride/ sodium/ magnesium levels.
+ My stomach & intestines were always in pain. When I wasn’t having liquid bowel movements, they wouldn’t want to move at all. I would have chronic intestinal spasms & cramps, sometimes so bad I couldn’t walk, let alone stand up.

LIST HOW
YOUR COMMON FOODS AFFECT THE WAY YOU FEEL:


OATS = heavy, overheated, panicky
PEPITAS = dirty, ashamed, anxious
CARROTS = hyper, hungry, obsessive
GRAPES = hyper, “poisoned,” fearful
AVOCADO = nervous, guilty, “punished”
BROCCOLI = content, happy, “nourished” (ugly word)
SPINACH = guilty, frightened, out of control
GREEN BEANS = shameful, “cheater,” guilty
CHICKEN SAUSAGE = scared, dirty, guilty


What was your weight like before you developed bulimia?

I was never that big, honestly-- my average was 115. It began to drop during high school; I hit 105 in 2012 (I still remember the exact moment I saw that number on the scale, and the scared yet giddy euphoria I felt), and that’s when the bulimia started in earnest (from what I remember). By 2016 I was ~87. I went up to 120 in recovery in 2017, fell to 100 by 2018, and in 2022 I hit 84 at my lowest point. As of 101322 I’m at 102 in recovery.

How did you feel?

I was miserable with my pre-disorder weight until I started to lose it, even when it was stable-- I tried to ignore both it & my body, but when I couldn’t, it was intolerable. I desperately wanted to “reverse” ALL the changes of puberty. Once weight loss began to “achieve” this, my mood would briefly be euphoric, before falling again at the thought of how much could NOT chance (at least, not easily) with weight loss.

What has it been like for you since the onset of bulimia?

Hell, honestly. As a living creature, I HAVE to eat, like it or not, to maintain healthy life. So seeing food in such a negative way-- NOT as nourishment, but as PURE “WEIGHT”-- was a daily torture.
Even WORSE was how TRAPPED I felt in “an abuser’s body,” a terror that made me reject ALL “invasion & violation,” AND femininity, BOTH of which I associated powerfully with food & the very act of eating. Bulimia was my only outlet for the violent, self-annihilating rage I felt on a daily, even hourly basis.
Even so it was hell. It became an addiction, something “I couldn’t lose” when all other things were stolen or mangled beyond repair-- something “protective,” an “emergency exit” when I felt threatened by those percieved invaders that would devour the last shreds of my identity. Ironically, over time, it did that very thing. It swallowed up ALL my thoughts, time, money, & efforts. It wrecked my family relationships and destroyed friendships. It rendered me incapable of living a normal life, incapable of taking care of myself, and unwilling to live. Thank GOD I am in this recovery program now-- by myself, I was 18 years dead.

What do you think should be an ideal weight for you and why?

Honestly, if I knew that weight included a fair amount of MUSCLE, I’d be cool with 115, at the MOST. But to be totally honest, it ALL depends on how I FEEL & LOOK. The number is secondary. If my body FEELS loose & flabby, even IF I’m underweight, it’s terrifying. I want to be fit & streamlined & strong, not “ugly” words like “thin” & “slim” & “slender.” That’s gross. I DON’T want to be a waif or a skeleton. I DON’T want to be “petite” or “lanky” or “lean,” even. All those words make me nauseous. I want to be STRONG & HEALTHY. I want to be buff without being hefty. And I DO NOT want to look like a girl!! That’s just being honest. But yeah, 115 is cool right now, 110 better for my current state. I need to ease into it, and TONE IT UP SON!!!


Write a paragraph about what it was like for you to come into the hospital listing both the positive and negative aspects of this experience for you.

POSITIVE:
+ No meal preparation/ buying/ planning
+ No obsessing over “what to eat”; no trust in own choices
+ Solidly structured day
+ Predictable routine of meals (minor variations)
+ Lots of workbooks to focus on
+ No access/ ability to overeat
+ No access/ abiltiy to binge
+ No restriction because “eating will make them happy/ proud of me”
+ TRUST in facing fear foods “since THEY gave it to me”
+ Lots of education


NEGATIVE:
- Lots of sugar in diet
- Obligatory social conversation
- Unavoidable exposure to media/ music that disturbs me
- “No control” over body shape or sickness
- Body getting bigger & “padded”
- Lots of pain & discomfort
- Trauma flashbacks & panic attacks
- No longer recognize own body
- Cannot exercise
- Cannot go outside (at first)
- MUST learn to sit with anxiety & discomfort
- Sleep schedule/ soundness disturbed
- Become DEPENDENT on hospital for “recovery”


Some personality characteristics can predispose people to turn to bingeing as a means of coping. Do you recognize any of these in yourself? If so, which ones?

Admittedly-- and with great humiliation-- ALL of them, both now & in the past.
1. “The Pleasure Eater”, using food as a comfort mechanism or stimulant = when “bored” by isolation (for WEEKS) and plagued by anxiety & depression-- AND often the lack of accessible healthy options-- I would combat the “emptiness” by shopping & eating, “just to feel something loud enough to get through the numbness/ have a consistent & practical job to do.” Eating WAS indeed the “solution”-- I never dealt with the root causes of my negative emotions. But in a way this behavior WAS A SURVIVAL MECHANISM during trauma situations (“solitary confinement”), so that “comfort” was ALL I HAD.
2. “Entitlement,” feeling deprived and using food as a tranquilizer for anxiety = I felt so deprived of LOVE; many basic needs were unmet/ hindered: water & clothes were tricky to manage, shelter was a dirty crowded mess/ isolatory, finances were limited/ controlled. I “simulated abundance” by bingeing; it temporarily fooled me, but ultimately made the “lack” so much worse-- after a binge, I’d be even more anxious, frightened, alone, poor, & deprived than any other time.
3. “Natural flaw thinking,” feeling incapable of managing eating urges = I did believe that I’d inevitably
fail/ relapse, feeling helpless/ powerless against my compulsions & urges to binge. When in crisis, and/or “beating myself up,” I’d flat-out “give in/ give up” and purge/ restrict/ binge as SELF-ABUSE. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy; I felt “too broken/ bad/ stupid/ etc. to be healthy,” damning myself to the disorder.

List below the potential problems you may have with hospital rules.

+ Some problems with “recreation therapy” & “art” groups; these can be VERY depressing & anxiety-inducing, even triggering! They can also be hypersocial/ “new-agey” which makes me notably distressed & can trigger flashbacks. I would rather NOT make art if that’s OK? “Art” is VERY trauma-mangled for me currently, & in general it is INTENSELY PERSONAL for me; “doing art” in PUBLIC feels like violation/ voyeurism.
+ At first “no purge” was tough, ESPECIALLY when suffering pain & FULLNESS after meals
+ I also had to overcome my “passive-aggressive” tendency of NOT expressing my needs & expecting others to be able to “guess”/ “read the mood”. I’m actively overcoming this.


A NOTE:
+ Bulimia has historically been my ONLY “coping skill,” so when it is removed, ALL the stuff I was using it to muffle/suppress WILL manifest at last!!! Without different, healthy coping skills to manage this, recovery will be EXTREMELY DISTRESSING & potentially impossible, due to trauma upheaval.

What fears fo you have when you think of giving up your bulimia?

+ I fear the reason why it started: the old trauma, emotional distress, identity loss, & despair for the future that I always ran away from, unwilling to face/ admit/ accept their reality in my psyche. I naturally want to puke when I’m anxious & overwhelmed & even angry; my stomach just knots up & spasms, and my emotions “instinctively” want to “get the poison out”/ “purge out the pain”, which physically translates to a desperate “need” to be empty/ safe/ clean again, characterized by vomiting. That would happen with or without food. But, as for the bingeing, that began as “eating myself into oblivion” during high school, a desperate & covert way to “force total dissociation” from intolerable stress/ fear/ sorrow and hopelessness/ helplessness. I HAD NO “SAFE SPACES”, no coping skills, no support system, and no way to even process the ABUSE I was suffering at that time as well. In that situation, with nowhere to go & nowhere to turn to, with no “escape” or refuge available to me, childhood comfort/ survival instinct kicked in, & I turned to food to “meet those needs.” But I had SO MUCH PAIN, and such a gutted sense of self from the trauma, that no amount of food could EVER fill that abyss. I began to binge, solely to dissociate for HOURS, and subtly self-destruct, perhaps even an unconscious “venting” of distress violent urges through all the biting/ chewing-- AND EXPLICITLY A TRAUMA RESPONSE with the SPITTING, which er turned to vomiting, when my hunger got so bad I started actually consuming things. But it felt like POISON, like APE, es ecially after SLC, and I LITERALLY BELIEVED that I WAS “vomiting out all the trauma stored in my stomach fat”; a belief rooted in the psychosomatic horror of feeling/ hearing “yellow screaming” when I would touch the bulk of my abdomen, and reinforced by the fact that those screaming emotions DID decrease in intensity & volume as I lost weight.
The bulimia became a nightly hell, and-- as life became more stressful & isolatory, & I lost my main methods of self-abuse??-- eventually escalated to devour my entire life. Paradoxically, although it WAS hell, it was less of a hell than what I was using it to run away from. I clung to it like an addict, because it was STILL “numbing” all the conscious awareness of trauma & crisis IN my daily life. When I TRIED to stop, I suddenly HAD to face those harrowing truths & emotional turmoil, and I had NO IDEA HOW, let alone any means or skills to, BESIDES the bulimia/ anorexia. So I could never “quit,” because the alternative was intolerable. As sick as it sounds, the bingeing/ purging DID “keep me alive” in those situations where I otherwise would’ve been more directly suicidal. Nevertheless it WAS still killing me in its own way. Even now, I “fear” “giving it up” SOLELY because it WAS a “survival mechanism” for so long. The STARVING is something I WILL admittedly “MISS” in a way--
I associated that feeling of hunger & emptiness with COURAGE & DISCIPLINE & PURITY & SACRIFICE. Eating felt dirty in contrast. But… that starvation was ALSO a desperate attempt to “deny & suppress” my hunger IN PRINCIPLE, because deep down, part of me DID WANT TO EAT & even ENJOYED IT. And that was both TERRIFYING & UNACCEPTABLE because we saw “eating” as SYNONYMOUS WITH SEX. “Enjoyment” AND “desire” in general were “sexualized” to our abused brain. I fear that happening again-- the “feeling violated” and/or “feeling like a whore” when I CHOOSE to eat… and the purge response to being “forced” to eat in “violating” circumstances, such as in LOUD places or when FORCED to talk/ socialize. Without purging I feel raped. Restricting PREVENTS that, and overeating is almost a “FAWN” response… purging is delayed FIGHT. But… they’ve been my ONLY APPLICABLE COPING MECHAMISMS FOR “CONSUMPTION TRAUMA” and right now I have NO effective replacements. God I NEED OTHER SURVIVAL MECHANISMS. I NEED HEALTHY COPING SKILLS. Please help me.


In short:

YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR EMOTIONS (OR “LACK THEREOF”) IN ORDER TO PROPERLY MANAGE & RESPOND TO THEM!!

Emotions are MESSAGES that communicate some NEED, and that act to MOTIVATE us to ACT on that need!

If we DON’T ACKNOWLEDGE our emotions, DENY or IGNORE them, those “unmet needs” will GET WORSE AND SO WILL THE EMOTIONS; no matter HOW much you suppress them, they WILL EVENTUALLY EXPLODE. This inevitably has dire consequences.

Binges numbed & suppressed emotions; purges were the rejection of their awareness. Restriction attempted to BOTH deny and erase emotions, but only made them even stronger THROUGH avoidance AND starvation.

We need to stop trying to “turn off” or “crush” our emotions when they cry out. LISTEN TO THEM!! Don’t use food as a physiological weapon!!


What is bulimia to me?

 

It’s a living hell!! It’s a legit ADDICTION, trying to “numb” our minds to both inner & outer turmoil, and to prevent us FROM “living” when life is seen as intolerable. It is a replacement for suicide & a placeholder for chronic abuse. It is an obstacle between me & myself. It is an expression of despair. It is self-loathing yet wanting to feel worthy of care. It is fear; SO much fear, and resistance to “what is.”

What is it like to give up bulimia?

 

Freedom. There IS a “fear,” though, of our alleged “uncontrollability” and the loss of our “sedative” of binge/ purge cycles to “suppress” it. We’re afraid ofbeing “TOO free,” with no rigid rules & restrictions & escape mechanisms for “fatal mistakes.” We’re afraid of the “EMPTY VOID” of our life post-trauma & post-suicide-planning. We filled it with the disorder before; now we must face it.

What will be difficult about giving up bulimia?

 

Facing the reality of our life: lost hopes, awful trauma, trails of destruction, a damaged body & mind, a limited future, a limited present. We have to EXIST now; we HAVE to BE A PERSON, with a past & a personality, who others can reach. That IS SCARY, post-trauma. But we still have SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR. We must be brave, and start to.

What do I look forward to in giving it up?

 

Ideally? A return of our creativity, and of its prolific output. We’ll have the TIME & ABILITY to imagine things again. We want to re-learn how to draw & write music. We want to publish books & join an orchestra again. We want to be PART OF OUR BLOOD FAMILY AGAIN. We don’t want to be sinfully oppressed & ruled by food anymore. Being TRULY HUMAN is MORE than the body!!

What are my expectations upon completion of the COPE program?

 

I expect to have TOOLS & SKILLS to manage stress & overwhelming emotions; to better understand & apply proper nutrition & meal planning; to find & untangle the ROOTS of ALL our disordered behavior compulsions/ addictive tendencies BY clarifying our core beliefs & values, thought distortions, etc.; to develop a healthier body image; & to get my life back on track!!


Self-image notes:

 + I DON’T IDENTIFY WITH THE BODY. I AM NOT THIS BODY, (and never was) BUT the “bigger” it gets, the MORE I am smothered by it!! (at least, that’s how I feel.) It’s like the body has an “inherent” personality & attitude of its own, defined by size & shape & weight, and THAT “fake self” WILL “devour ME” if it gets too big/ heavy/ fat. It’s like I see the body as an abuser, that I “must suppress” via starvation in order to protect my SELF??



Notes on denial:

"Denial is a BUFFER against UNACCEPTABLE reality." = Just like dissociation & splitting; they ALL seem to often occur together?? (Because of TRAUMA!!!)

1) SIMPLE DENIAL = "saying something is not, when it is." DIFFERENT FROM RATIONALIZING!! That would say, "yes, I'm restricting, BUT THERE'S A GOOD REASON..."

2) MINIMIZING = "seeing only a 'little' problem." ALSO NOT RATIONALIZING!! You GENUINELY see it as THAT MINOR.

^ These two involve SKEWED DEFINITION that REDEFINE the COMMON FACTUAL REALITY?

3) HOSTILITY = "angry when problem is mentioned." IT'S ANGER AT OWN SELF and/or at the DENIED REALITY that is THROWN OUTWARDS!!

4) BLAMING = "denying responsibility for behavior, projecting it elsewhere." = NO SELF-CONTROL. This ALSO shows up subtly in asking "are YOU angry with ME?" "Am I in YOUR way?" etc. "Polite" questions that are masking an accusation, sometimes hidden to self.

5) RATIONALIZING = "offering alibis and excuses to justify behaviors." Terribly common with us: "I'm eating this much because that's what they had me do at COPE/ it's what the doctor told me I should do/ etc."

6) INTELLECTUALIZING = "avoiding emotional or personal awareness of the problem by dealing with it very generally or theoretically." I do this ALL THE TIME. It ERASES "SELF" FROM THE EQUATION.

7) DIVERSION = "changing the subject." Grandma/ mom did this JARRINGLY; they wouldn't even say "let's not talk about that;" they'd just CHANGE THE TOPIC ABRUPTLY. 


"Denial is the act of saying 'no,' a coping mechanism the mind uses against disturbing feelings & thoughts." = TRAUMA RELEVANCE = if I COULDN'T say "no" THEN, then I'll say it NOW, THROUGH DENIAL!!!
SAME WITH ADDICTION: if you feel UNABLE to say "no", but WANT to, THAT comes out through DENIAL, too!
"I didn't WANT it to happen/ I can't ACCEPT that it happened/ the REALITY is intolerable" = CAUSES DENIAL!!


How do you recognize your own denial, according to these examples?

1) SIMPLE DENIAL: "I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM"; "THERE ISN'T ANYTHING WRONG"; "I FEEL FINE"; "I DON'T MIND"; "I HAVE NO PREFERENCE"; etc. Instinctive "rejection" of an "unacceptable" or "shameful" TRUTH that I WILL NOT RECOGNIZE AS TRUE OR VALID. Typically happens when I'm scared, anxious, disturbed, triggered, etc., AND when MY wants/ needs/ thoughts are "in opposition" or "offensive" to someone else's. It's a way of trying to be HEALTHY & ACCEPTABLE & FLAWLESS by outright DENYING all struggle & flaws & selfish behavior. It's an attempt to ACTIVELY REWRITE my perspective. "I don't have any questions"; "It doesn't matter"; "I'm not worried about it"; etc.

2) MINIMIZING: "I just like things to be neat & organized & clean" = but FREAKING OUT if I don't have an EXACT even number of objects, if ONE crumb hits the floor, if I can't fit ALL the books into clear categories, etc. I couldn't see the CONTROL OBSESSION & PERFECTIONISM. Things had to be METICULOUS & CALCULATED. / + "I'm not that creative/ not very talented" = when I LITERALLY have ~60 ACTIVE IDEAS, hundreds of Moralimon, several music albums in the works, a growing portfolio, and probably THOUSANDS of journal pages. / "I only need to lose a little more weight" = when it's NEVER enough, and I want it to KEEP GETTING LOWER / "It wasn't that bad of a binge" = 6 hours and several salad bowls later...

3) BLAMING: Wanting someone to move/leave and asking, "Am I in your way?" or "Do you need me to move?" etc. ALSO putting "responsibility" for the E.D. on MOM & TBAS & MEL?? The key point was my CLAIMED INABILITY TO RESIST "their orders/ expectations/ examples"? Saying things like "mom is a foodie SO now I'm addicted to food," "I can't stop eating because I'm trying to make mom happy"; "I purged because TBAS made me so upset/ disturbed"; "Mel wouldn't let me eat so now I'm overcompensating"?? In general, phrases like: "her behavior MADE me so angry"; "I wouldn't have said that if SHE hadn't upset me so much"; "she MADE me overeat/ purge"; "it's HER fault I have a disorder"??

4) RATIONALIZING: "LEARNED" behavior?? "You'd better have a good reason/ excuse OR you're gonna get PHYSICALLY BEATEN" terror. Also MORAL PANIC over "uncontrollable sins/ addiction"; desperately trying to find a "LOOPHOLE" that will give me SOME HOPE "that I WASN'T damned already." Justification sought to GIVE SOME SENSE OF "CHOICE" & "REASON" to an impulsive/ compulsive irrational behavior? "Yes I binged BUT it's because I was too shaken up by trauma to cope AND I know PURGING "HELPS""; "Yes I'm restricting but it's SELF-MORTIFICATION"; "Yes I keep wasting money & time on binges BUT I "don't DESERVE" to have money or time"? "Yes I'm hurting myself with this but I WANT TO DIE ANYWAY." Ironically excuses are DESPERATE & FEEBLE; they're "grasped at" so they don't hold water.

5) INTELLECTUALIZING: This ALWAYS seems to happen when workbooks ask us to "write ABOUT the disorder," or "TO it." We have nousfoni DEDICATED to this, honestly, because it REQUIRES A 3RD PERSON PERSPECTIVE! So it's held at a DISTANCE. Treating nutrition as a "MATH PROBLEM", and recovery just as "actions to be performed"; REMOVING ALL EMOTION from the problems & processes; "learning" but never APPLYING. This form of denial DENIES AWARENESS when it's intolerable/ unacceptable? It's a FORM OF DEPERSONALIZATION. It STRONGLY PREVENTS RECOVERY because it MAKES "RECOVERY" AND "ILLNESS" IMPERSONAL. We CAN'T mourn or ache or fight OR hope or grow or understand IF WE KEEP REMOVING "SELF" FROM THE SITUATION!!

6) DIVERSION: I've done this in the past, when up the house & trying to "divert attention" away from what I was doing when I'd be looking for & pilfering food to binge on. To prevent interrogation I'd start talking FIRST about something tangentially related TO food, asking THEM random questions instead. This overlapped with rationalizing, because I'd also be giving invented "reasons" as to why/what I was doing with food. But even if mom hinted "I hope you kept that meal down...?" I'd NEVER directly reply, being unwilling to either lie OR admit; SO instead I'd comment ABOUT the meal, asking something "intensive" like "what spices did you add to that? I thought I tasted cinnamon" or "Did you use a recipe or did you invent that? Because I know how creative you are..." to DIVERT THEIR THOUGHTS to THEMSELVES!!

7) HOSTILITY: Unfortunately this appears to be my DEFAULT when confronted? It appears to be a VIOLENT "THROWING OUTWARDS" of the intense self-hatred & despair & frustration I feel ABOUT what I'm denying; being confronted "UNBURIES" it, and the ANGER is an UNJUSTIFIED RESPONSE to "FEELING ATTACKED/ THREATENED" by that confrontation-- it feel like a weapon wielded by their words. We want so badly TO deny & hide/run from it, BECAUSE it's scary & painful, that when we're "PREVENTED" from "being safe" in that shallow sense, we BITE BACK. It's a FEAR response, even moreso than anger-- but we CAN'T run, so we FIGHT. Still, the self-hatred is the SAME ROOT AS THIS-- feeling like our OWN "ineptitude/ weakness" is preventing recovery, and using hostility to ironically try to "REMOVE THE THREAT-OBSTACLE-OFFENDER" of ourself. It's doomed to fail.

There are five stages to the grieving process... think back to a time of grief/loss in your life, and describe your experience, identifying how you were in DENIAL (OF LOSS).

1) DENIAL STAGE: + With grandma: = still talking about her in present tense; buying/ doing things for her? Unconsciously, expecting to wake up with her in the OLD bedroom; having frequent dreams about her.
+ With SLC & CNC = "We were never really friends"; "I didn't actually want to go"; DISSOCIATING?
In general I "FORGET" the REALITY of WHAT "WAS" BEFORE THE LOSS. This is NOT CONSCIOUSLY DONE and is VERY DISTURBING. It's like, "if I didn't HAVE anything to lose, I MUST be fine!!" IT'S LETHAL.
ALSO: "I don't remember anything" when deep down I DID but COULD NOT ACCEPT IT AS REAL, BECAUSE IT WAS A LOSS!!! So yes I WAS in denial, yet I COULDN'T FUNCTION because subconsciously I WAS STILL GUTTED. 

2) ANGER STAGE: TURNED INWARDS? "If I hadn't moved out, she wouldn't have died"; "I shouldn't have gone to that damn emergency room"; "Why didn't I spend more time WITH her??" Angry at my STUPID SELFISH IGNORANCE. But... angry that she "left" WITHOUT "letting me say goodbye"?
+ CNC/SLC = "WHY DID THEY DO THAT TO ME" "DIDN'T THEY CARE" "COULDN'T THEY SEE I WAS SUFFERING" "WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT" "THEY TOOK ME AWAY FROM MY FAMILY" "THEY RUINED ME IRREPARABLY"

3) BARGAINING STAGE: "God please let me die so I can finally be with her again"; "I'll gladly give up everything I have if I can just go back to being a kid again"-- WITH HER AND UNABUSED!!!
+ BARGAINED WITH TBAS??? Twitter chat "I still think I love you somehow; please give me another chance; I know I was an ass; I'll be better next time" AND with Q when he met Mel?? "I'll do whatever you tell me to; just please let us stay friends; I'll change myself to your liking just don't leave" AND debating this with Mel too? But never acted on. "I'll do ANYTHING; please let me back into your life" EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T "WANT" TO!!!!!

4) DEPRESSION STAGE: With grandma = I gave in to the eating disorder. First week or two I felt UNBEARABLE GRIEF; then derealized & perpetuated that sense of "unconsciousness" through binge-purge self-destruction. Guilt was SO INTENSE I never stopped contemplating death & the eating disorder was a kind of slow suicide. I never wanted to wake up; I was numb & hollow.
+ With CNC/SLC = I haven't let myself truly mourn the trauma yet? I haven't been able to fully, directly admit WHAT I lost... let alone how.

5) ACCEPTANCE STAGE: I HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED THIS AT ALL YET.


Give an example of each of the four main ways people deny, identifying how you may be doing so presently.

1) REFUSE TO BELIEVE REALITY = Bodies are DESIGNED to NEED FOOD in PROPER AMOUNTS. I keep denying mine needs food at ALL (restricting), AND denying the PURPOSE of food AS NUTRITION (bingeing), NOT "garbage" or "unneccessary" or "prison" (purging)?

2) DENY/MINIMIZE GRAVITY OF LOSS = The eating disorder has taken over my life "but there wasn't any "life" to lose"; BECAUSE I ALSO keep denying HOW SHAKEN & WRECKED I STILL AM POST-TRAUMA!!! That loss was HUGE but I keep denying that??? "I'm just making a stupid fuss over nothing" NO DUDE, THAT WAS LEGIT TERRIFYING TO "LIVE" THROUGH.

3) DENYING ANY FEELINGS ABOUT THE LOSS = See previous answer. I'm NUMB, JUST TO SURVIVE. The feelings are THAT AWFUL.

4) MENTAL AVOIDANCE = I WON'T EVEN LOOK AT IT.


List five types of feelings a person in denial may experience.

1) ANGER; trapped in pain & feeling helpless
2) ANXIETY; haunted by unresolved distress
3) DEPRESSION; grief unprocessed & buried
4) NUMBNESS; you can't/ don't want to feel emotions
5) BEING "LOST"; you're cut off from reality and identity


List the evidence that you've heard substantiating/proving that you have an eating disorder.

+ BRADYCARDIA & HYPOTENSION. Drops to HIGH 30s when I try to sleep; it's TERRIFYING!
+ LEGIT OSTEOPOROSIS ONSET. Had a DEXA scan done & our bones are upsettingly porous
+ The state of my bank account & ALL THE RECEIPTS I'VE KEPT. That's PROOF of binge behavior.
+ LOW ELECTROLYTES & DEHYDRATION, almost chronically, from all the purging; MANY ER visits
+ People who saw my body thought I had cancer. THAT'S how APPARENTLY EMACIATED I was!!

Do you believe it?
If not, what would it take to convince you?

 
...It's still split. That's insane, but true. On one hand I KNOW my life is screwed up & wrecked by this behavior and I'm SICK OF BEING SICK and I don't EVER want to binge or purge EVER AGAIN.
...but. I STILL VERY MUCH WANT TO RESTRICT. I'm PLANNING to, even NOW, 6 WEEKS INTO TREATMENT!!! I just don't want to eat. I'm tired. It's exhausting & painful. And I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS "CHUNKY." If I can't turn myself into a TANK I'm probably gonna get desperate & go BACK towards being a TWIG.
As for convincing... well, right now a BIG part of me BELIEVES that eating minimally, by restricting BOTH intake & variety & time, is the VIRTUOUS IDEAL and If I DO that, I'LL BE "GOOD," or at least "NOT A GLUTTONOUS WHORE." ... Which is still a core fear as well.


On a scale of 0 to 5, how motivated are you to get well and follow treatment?

I'd say about 3.7. BUT I WANT TO BE A 5!!!


prismaticbleed: (Default)

I'm being re-tested for COVID so I'm temporarily quarantined in my room. Sitting at this desk in total silence & stillness, unable to open the door or leave, initially triggered the SAME "trapped panic" that my apartment has been also-- panic so keen & intense & immediate that, with no coping skills to utilize, drove me to resort to the eating disorder for "relief," But all I was doing was RUNNING & HIDING, burying the fear until it exploded out again during the next silent still moment. (btw, forcing myself to start praying IS KEY! so PERSEVERE!!! once I get going, the peace is PROFOUND; my heart truly re-centers & life feels HOPEFUL & REAL & LEADING TO THE ETERNAL. without prayer, without TUNING IN to God & actively engaging in that graced & blessed connection, life feels hollow & empty & finite. So ALWAYS PRAY!!! visualize the Life of Christ; practice saying the rosary again!! IT DOES & WILL HELP; that powerful & profound prayer OPENS THE HEART TO MIRACLES.) I realized that, actually, that "desk/ room/ closed off & out/ alone" combo situation was EXACTLY what I was LITERALLY trapped in during SLC/NC!!! Mel's basement, Q's apartment, the VdG houses, TBAS's kitchen & playroom... heck, even that month I lived in "Jayce's house," AND the "Bluesky summer" without my grandparents-- ALL of those situations had me FORCIBLY ISOLATED, with NO PEOPLE EVEN NEARBY, locked into one small room, typically at a desk, alone & in dead silent stillness for up to 12 HOURS A DAY, FOR WEEKS, if not longer... and my ONLY "escapes/ distractions" apart from my laptop were-- you guessed it-- the kitchen & bathroom. Oh yeah-- and THOSE WERE BOTH TRAUMA HUBS. So of COURSE my survival brain is freaking out, poor thing! It's feeling like, once that door opens, disaster will occur? And yet, staying in here is existentially terrifying-- UNLESS I PRAY. But it's also triggering old abandonment terror-- cut off from family, rejected by friends, no neighbors, no community, no human connection at all. But that's NOT THE TRUTH ANYMORE! Even in this room, I HAVE FAMILY & FRIENDS & NEIGHBORS & COMMUNITY and they are ALL outside that door, and it CAN be opened and WILL be opened because THEY LOVE ME & CARE ABOUT ME and "GOD said, 'IT IS NOT GOOD FOR MAN TO BE ALONE'"!!! The TRIUNE GOD HIMSELF IS LOVE & COMMUNION!!! So He gave us His Son to share our life, Who gave us His Spirit to LIVE IN US, so we're NEVER alone, AND He gave us EACH OTHER, THE CHURCH, to BE HIS BODY, united & WHOLE & forever interconnected. So, no matter WHAT, every human soul exists in blessed, inherent relationship with both GOD and ALL MANKIND.




prismaticbleed: (angel)

No matter what "mountains" are placed in front of you, trust in the Lord. With Him, you can overcome any obstacle.
What mountains have you faced or are you facing? How can you ask God for specific help?


The biggest mountain(s) I have: TRAUMA, & THIS EATING DISORDER. I'm currently in treatment for both, and the process is revealing, clearly & powerfully, that I NEED GOD'S HELP TO MAKE ANY PROGRESS AT ALL. The specific help I need is the GRACE OF FORGIVENESS to heal the trauma, the Gift of Self-Control & Temperance, rooted in CONTENT GRATITUDE, and the grace to TRUST IN GOD to be my ALL in every fearful, difficult, trying, or troubling situation. May I turn to HIM ALONE to fulfill all my needs.

BLESSINGS...

+Watching the sunrise
+Letters from mom & cousins
+Friendly fellowship & supportive staff
+The opportunity & ability TO recover
+FAITH by His Grace
+A loving & devoted family
+ANSWERED PRAYERS
+The color red
+Care Bears
+English muffins & omelets for breakfast
+HOPE in healing
+My church family
+My gift of words/ song/ speech for Your Glory
+My cello
+My grandparents' love & prayers
+THE BIBLE
+Your amazing Gift of Mercy & Forgiveness in Christ
+Your eternal & unconditional Love
+Snow
+Christmas
+Childhood memories
+LIFE!!


prismaticbleed: (angel)

No matter what doubts you have about life, the trust you place in the Lord will never lead you astray. Even if your path feels crooked, God is overseeing every step.
What or who do you usually trust? ...Explain some steps you will take to begin to trust God more.

To FULLY trust God, I CANNOT still cling to my own "understanding" of a situation-- my deductions, analyses, predictions, assumptions, OR convictions. No matter HOW legit my thoughts OR emotions seem, they are INHERENTLY FALLIBLE & UNDERINFORMED. I CANNOT have "all the facts"-- ONLY GOD can see the whole picture, for HE is painting it! The smartest, wisest thing I can ever do is to LET GO of my instincts to understand & control, & LET GOD REIGN. He alone is eternally, unfailingly true, reliable, right, & Good! Trust Him!

PRAYER REQUESTS...

+ For L.W. & M.C., that their first day(s) here at COPE may be full of hope & courage, peace & joy. May we welcome them wholeheartedly.
+ For my mom, S, that she may be encouraged & comforted in her daily work & efforts to provide a future for herself & her family. Bless her!
+ For my brother, C, who is in treatment at HAVEN. May God heal his mind and body, give him hope for a future, and reassure him that he IS loved!

prismaticbleed: (worried)


The bulimia-trigger of "sensory deprivation"-- which I'm experiencing right now-- is MORE COMPLEX than we realized. I feel:
+ EXHAUSTED mentally; barely any strength to read. Writing is a bit easier as it mandates depersonalization & allows some relief,but the very act of writing/ penmanship tires me out. Typing is best; it's minimal effort AND allows for realtime emotion expression & processing (writing does NOT; it's too slow & arduous-- although SOME nousfoni CAN & DO speak through it.)
+ FRUSTRATED at "no non-exhausting" options at hand for mental destressing/ positivity; it's ALL writing & reading
+ LOST at the dearth of options, unfamiliar environment, inability TO do anything on own?
+ UPSET at "negativity focus" of groups; talking about anger, and how we experience it-- made me feel wrong & dirty to remember/ speak
+ ANGRY at "secular psychology" & people resisting treatment in little ways (externalized guilt/ shame) like fidgeting & refusing foods?
+ UNCOMFORTABLE with heat, sweater/ pants texture & mugginess, body illness & discomfort
+ SCARED at "interim" feeling; "no direction"-- want to do concrete future planning, but head too exhausted? Also scared of sick feelings.
And I'm wondering, how to cope in realtime? What helps or doesn't?
+ Cold, smooth tabletop on bare arms is INSTANTLY soothing; reminds me of Saint John's church
+ "Lightly scratching" my hands with the mechanical pencil tip (not lead) is very soothing too, & helps diminish emotional intensity
+ SELF TO SELF CONTACT (rubbing hands, fingers, nail scratching, hair pulls, etc.) MAKE IT WORSE!!! ALL MY WORST TRAUMA IS BODY-BASED, so when I'm in emotional distress, ANY & ALL "physical contact" is SCARY, DISTURBING, & THREATENING.
+ Weirdly, my brain ACTUALLY seems to want PUZZLES?? Certain kinds, specifically!! They would need to be "active" & fully "engageable"? Like, jigsaw puzzles feel "too slow," like writing, & word searches require too much "thought labor" when I'm this distressed. BUT my brain is gravitating towards certain VIDEO GAMES? Ones with STRUCTURE & PUZZLE-SOLVING & FORWARD MOVEMENT? Like Klonoa, Sonic, Zelda, AND the old Math/ Reading Blasters??? It's fascinating. Old school "sidescrollers" do appeal to this, conceptually. Try stuff out-- we HAVE emulators on our phone, which can INSTANTLY start a game without booting up!
+ No idea if movies would help, as they're NON-ENGAGING. They don't seem prudent for DISTRESS coping.
+ Instant mood boost: SCENTS. Nice soaps, spices, peppermint, etc. can ALL soothe my mind; just USE OUR OWN, the ones we KNOW are nice-- no store gambling! (We should get a few wax cubes?) Be prudent; don't hoard. ONLY get the BEST.



prismaticbleed: (worried)

FORGIVENESS

To LET GO of ANGER, consider its EMOTION URGES??
"I was attacked/ hurt/ insulted/ threatened"
"My integrity and/or status has been damaged"
"My goals/ desires were blocked and/or prevented"
ANGER IS NOT EFFECTIVE FOR FORGIVENESS, SO...
- DO SOMETHING KIND & NICE FOR THEM (SAYS JESUS!!)
- IMAGINE THEIR PERSPECTIVE COMPASSIONATELY
- GIVE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT

TBAS did not meet my admitted expectations for a friend, especially not one I "loved"?
I RESENTED
I was ANGRY
I GRIEVED
They "failed" to express love in a way I understood; they "failed" to show concerned compassion for my illness (the eating disorder).

BENEFITS OF FORGIVING:
finally free my heart/ mind from resentment/ anger/ bitterness/ grief/ fear/ etc. and be ABLE TO LOVE AGAIN. also, it's PROPER CHRISTIANITY! I don't want to have a grudge! I want to be HONESTLY COMPASSIONATE & MERCIFUL. I want to see them as PEOPLE again, that I CAN LOVE.

DIFFICULTIES TO FORGIVING: it feels like I'm ERASING THE TRAUMATIC REALITY and INVALIDATING MY PAIN/ FEAR/ DAMAGE. Forgiving them FEELS like saying "yeah, they did this TERRIBLE thing that was VERY WRONG, but it's okay! I'm over it! I don't hold them accountable; let's put all that behind us!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WISE MIND

"Our thoughts & behaviors are often impacted by our state of mind. At times, we become stuck in a mindset that causes us to be impulsive, acting on urges without factoring in the consequences to our behaviors. We can also get so stuck in our mindset that we don't allow ourselves to develop new insight about situations we may find ourselves in..."

The "GETTING STUCK" concept is SCARILY APPLICABLE to System DYSfunction!!
When "STUCK DOWNSTAIRS" (no internal communication), we ALSO "get stuck" in EITHER EMOTIONAL OR RATIONAL MIND. Typically the latter "activates" abruptly as a "forced stop" for the former, in an extreme shift. "overload" vs "shutdown."
this can ONLY be prevented/ fixed by GOING UPSTAIRS, OR by having someone "COME DOWN"/ reach down/ GHOST.
HANDWRITING/ VOICE BREAKTHROUGHS ALSO allow for a change, BUT it typically TAKES A CRISIS to trigger them. That's a mixed blessing for sure.

Hyper-reasonable mind is PLAGUE/ ICE.
It likes to use "should/ shouldn't" & "proper/ improper"? SHAMES emotions AND personality. invalidates values??? can be callous. treats life as mechanical; body as robotic. "rules to follow" & "expectations to meet." productivity, "effectiveness." longterm focus? dehumanizing?? "your opinion doesn't matter"
Hyper-emotion mind is TAR/ FIRE.
likes to use "have to/ cannot" & "always/ never"? extremely agitated; "facts" invalidated & mutated by distorted beliefs. focused on NOW, but ruled by past/ future fears. no control or patience. feels in EXTREMES. notably it can be both HIGH (manic, hyper) & LOW (hollow, despair)
The middle ground, "wise mind," is what we have through SPECTRUM COMMUNICATION/ COOPERATION.
NEVER INVALIDATES; IMPARTIAL COMPASSION. Respects AND critiques BOTH extremes; goal is to UNITE/ HARMONIZE; NOT "COMPROMISE"!!! All needs are considered & taken into VALID account. Values past, present, AND future; inside AND outside; us AND them; etc. WITH INTEGRITY!!!

Think about a time when you were stuck in reasonable mind. How did being stuck impact your thoughts and behaviors?

It kicks in whenever I "resist reality" due to trauma fear. It shuts down & shames my emotions/ reactions; "you're being foolish"; "you're overreacting"; "you're only doing this for pity/ drama/ attention"? Tells me to "put up with it" and do what is "expected/ normal." REJECTS past. My thoughts & emotions flatten. My behaviors become catatonic & mechanized, based on "orders" & "imitation." I lose the ability to have/ express opinions, values, ideas, etc. Stripped down to gears.

How would this hyper-reasonable situation have been different if you had used wise mind?

Wise mind ACKNOWLEDGES & VALIDATES trauma responses to triggers, as being normal & understandable survival/ coping mechanisms, meant to protect us from/ prevent further danger & damage. But it ALSO can PROPERLY DISCERN whether or not that fear is ACTUALLY APPLICABLE to the current situation/ trigger. If so, it effectively & respectfully gets us TO a safe place. If not, it comforts & reassures us, assuaging fears. In ALL cases it ACTS WITH COMPASSION, CLARITY, INTEGRITY, & CARE.

Think about a time when you were stuck in emotional mind. How did being stuck impact your thoughts and behaviors?

It kicks in almost instinctively when I'm triggered by trauma-- especially with the body as of late. It catastrophizes, seeing utter doom & despair as the only possible outcomes. It is INCAPABLE of coping because it feels SUCH SCREAMING INTENSITY that "coping" seems not only impossible but suicidal. It is convinced that our life is in imminent, fatal danger, and reacts desperately, with panicked sobs and frantic grasping at any "way out" it can find. Ironically, it typically IS suicidal-- and if not, it's violent. It either runs away, or attacks.

How would this hyper-emotional situation have been different if you had used wise mind?

Adding on to the previous: Wise Mind CAN be patient, because it FIRMLY BELIEVES THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE, and it ACTIVELY works TO find it in ALL crises. It KNOWS we CAN cope, and it knows HOW. It understands emotion, and CAN EMPATHIZE, so it DOESN'T DISMISS them-- but it can ALSO SEE THE FACTS AND THE WHOLE/ BIG PICTURE, even AS it tends carefully TO the details. Again, "wise mind" IS NOT "COOL" or even "DETACHED"-- it gets elbow-deep INTO the hurt WITH our aching pieces, to gently but powerfully HELP THEM OUT OF IT.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EMOTIONS

What emotions (from the list) have you recently felt?

Trauma: LOTS of fear. Disgust & sadness at body shape change. Anger at weight gain. Guilt at not being as kind as I should, or wish to be. Shame at bad manners & body shape. Happiness at Bible study. Love for the blue guy. No jealousy or envy? Thank God!!

Are there certain emotions that you have difficulty experiencing?

Love, because of trauma. Happiness, because of mania. Anger, because it's so VIOLENT. Disgust, because it's so VISCERAL. Sadness, because it's so DEEP. Shame & guilt are both OVERWHELMINGLY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE (THAT is seen as repair/ appeasement)! I'm scared of envy & jealousy because they're entitled & possessive. Practicing gratitude & acceptance helps keep them away.

What do you find difficult about experiencing certain emotions?

They feel SICK & UGLY & WRONG, which is upsetting NOW that I can SEE the PURPOSES of those emotions! They just disrupt peace, and they're OVERWHELMING. But I need to reflect on them more. They all exist for some intended good, even if they're clumsy & misguided. It's up to me, WITH GOD'S HELP, to gently redirect them for GOOD!!


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ACCEPTANCE

★ REJECTION/ REFUSAL ARE GRAVE SINS!!!

+ All the events in your life have led up to now, and THIS moment IS leading into others; so BE here for them all! This present moment is the result of a million others moments, and God has guided ALL of them rightly! He's doing the same for this one!
+ Changing reality means first accepting it, as it IS right now!! (RESHIRAM) Always say, "THY WILL BE DONE!"
+ Pain cannot be avoided. THE CROSS IS ETERNAL & UNIVERSAL.
+ Rejecting reality turns pain into suffering = DISMAS VS GESTAS!!
+ The present moment is perfect, even if you don't like what's happening. TRUST IN GOD! BE GRATEFUL for His Good plans even if you can't see them!
+ Everyone has limitations to the future, but we must only "accept" realistic limitations. When they DON'T apply, you have REALISTIC POSSIBILITY!
+ Everything has a cause, even if it generates pain & suffering. "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." Even pain has purpose. "Though he slay me, I STILL HOPE IN HIM."
+ Life is worth living, even with painful events in it! There will be pain, but there will also be good times, and they are always worth the struggle. The Cross is the ONLY path to the Resurrection!!


prismaticbleed: (worried)


post-breakfast//

Breakfast trouble: freaking out & CRYING over "NOT being allowed to CHOOSE our fluid amounts." Triggered old "abusive control" trauma memories with TBAS & TAS. I can't remember how exactly it resolved, except that we were ultimately allowed to redistribute the water in the cups, albeit ashamedly and thoroughly humiliated. (we were firmly chastised AND forgiven. it was humbling. from now on, DON'T SPLIT FLUIDS. COMMIT to one OR two-- NOT "half & half!")
We DID try the honey again, putting some in the tea (green) AND oatmeal, but I DON'T like the taste, so no more of it. We ALSO were brave & mixed ALL the raisins in the oatmeal-- our one mistake was putting some of the brown sugar in the coffee. Don't do that!! We already put one white sugar in, PLUS two creamers, & even then the sugar was too much! The brown sugar just "muddies" the taste with TOO MUCH BROWN, and a differing tone, too? Warmer & lighter. But it DOESN'T WORK, PLUS it's DISORDERED, so STOP THAT. Besides not actually liking the honey-- EVEN THOUGH we TRIED to force ourselves to, "for grandma"-- the raisins DID TASTE/ FEEL SO MUCH NICER in the oatmeal! They start to taste more like actual grapes again! So that was nice. Our input was hindered by both our nerves & the honey, but GOD remembers & He showed us! ♥ We also asked for His help with the strawberry PopTart, which we noticed we were "circling" and STOPPED! ♥ So that was another victory for obedient propriety-- a little "penance" in restitution for our fluid-control stubbornness. It tastes "sharper/ brighter" than literal strawberries; it's saturated & leaning slightly warm? Ah! It's closer to "firm" strawberries, NOT soft ones-- the riper they get, the sweeter & more blue" they lean. I forgot their flavor could evolve & vary like that! Now we know. (btw ALL flavors are affected by white sugar overlay; it's like turning up white noise? literally "crystallizes" on top of flavortone; "soft-point sharpness" that MUTES actual sharp/ vibrant tones with itself. WATER combats this; it's why raisins "MELLOW OUT" & become "less sharp" in the oatmeal-- plain, the intense sweetness registers almost like a bright pink flash; it's NOT there with the oats; it mellows almost to a redviolet undertone) This morning we ALSO had an added CS-- a STRAWBERRY SUNDAE. FOR BREAKFAST. That's my ONE BIG COMPLAINT about this program: the breakfasts are absolute sugarbombs! And yes I DID get quite sick and want to puke/ pass out. NEVERTHELESS, I MUST "keep an attitude of gratitude" and TRUST GOD'S WISE PROVIDENCE, EVEN IN THIS. God knew I'd be eating a breakfast sundae, AND He TOOK THAT FULLY INTO HIS PLAN FOR TODAY!! God cannot be hindered or confounded, especially not by one of HIS OWN CREATIONS, which sugar & ice cream & strawberries ALL ARE. So give your worries to Him, too, and receive His Peace through FAITH in His Goodness, at ALL TIMES. So about that sundae. We did have to stop briefly to answer Staff's questions-- which TOTALLY severed our focus & made us dissociate in order TO talk, forcing us to "restart" the process of "concentrating/ processing" input all over again. So we were very shaken off-center. Still, we practiced acceptance & mercy, forgiving her "interruption" (how selfish our thought!!) and reminding ourself that she ONLY did so TO be aware of/ considerate of our needs, AND just like with the water, WE NEED TO RELINQUISH OUR OBSESSIVE ADDICTION TO, & COMPULSION TO CONTROL the "predictability" & "stability" of ANY situation!! IT'S NOT SUPPOSED to be in "our control!! THAT'S IDOLATRY. It's also stupid, because God knows I have NO idea what the actual consequences/ effects OF my vain efforts to control things even ARE, and CAN'T know, because that's ONLY POSSIBLE FOR GOD!!! So be humble & LET GO. TRUST GOD'S DIRECTION & SOVEREIGNTY, and ROLL WITH IT. That's the ONLY way, AND the BEST way, to face EVERYTHING. PARTICIPATE with His Will, and you WILL find joy, even in the most unexpected circumstances!



post-group//

+ Some quick post-group notes, talking about family trauma/ how or loved ones respond/ contribute to eating disorder behaviors.
Trauma objectification & body image terror. "Small/ safe/ innocent/ pure" tied to PREPUBESCENT shape & weight; recovery terror at gaining an ADULT body shape: "locked in" to trauma (assumption). // Everything else is understandably forgiveable, & manageable; but sxtrauma is STILL horrifying, but buried.



prismaticbleed: (Default)

PLANNING FOR DIALECTICAL ABSTINENCE

Problem behavior: Restricting/ bingeing/ purging & related addictive behaviors

To maximize the chances of stopping these behaviors, you need to aim for abstinence!
Plan activities to do instead of these behaviors:


(The best activities for me involve HANDS!)
"Leagueworld" creative typing/ research; practice cello/ guzheng; watch Doctor Who (esp. Twelve); help Mom at the house; paint shirts; learn to crochet; journal; talk it out!

What people will reinforce your NOT engaging in problem behaviors, and instead engaging in effective behaviors?


Mom & Dad, Fr. P., my case manager, my dietician, church choir? cousins? POTENTIALLY apartment neighbors, ONLY if they offer support

What are some reasons to stay abstinent that you can remind yourself of?

To REGAIN freedom of will/ time/ future; to avoid crushing guilt & shame; to be part of my community; to be part of my family's shared life again; to save money; to achieve & keep good health; to not be ruled by fear & anxiety; to be able TO be my true self; to BE CREATIVE

You must burn bridges with people who represent a temptation to addiction. Who are these people?


(WRITE OUT WHICH & ALL addictions they are tied to/ also victims of)
TBAS: sex, food, stealing, lying, drugs, attention, hoarding
MC: alcohol, pornography, video games, risk, fantasy life
MEL: working, spirituality, attention, self-injury, socializing
Q: games, computers, internet, fantasy life, food restriction
JADE: alcohol, coffee, drugs, sleeping, speed, music, pornography, risk

What are some of your cues for problem behaviors?

RESTRICTING= being on the road all day; shame & guilt; exhaustion; "rebellious anger"; fears of eating near/ with others; religious scrupulosity
BINGEING= "invincible/ too happy" feelings; feelings of intense hunger/ low blood sugar; panic; overwhelm; "too many groceries"; "garbagedump self"
PURGING= feeling full; trauma flashbacks; intense fear/ anxiety/ depression; nausea; seeking "control" after perceived helplessness/ harm

What are some useful skills for you to use to avoid behavior urges?

Understanding "action urges" of emotions; longterm/ shortterm consideration; mindful action/ eating; "IMPROVE" skills; creating a schedule; pros/cons lists (tangibly put choices in right perspective, VERY helpful); activity distraction (writing/ typing engrosses thoughts & hands); RADICAL ACCEPTANCE!

Find alternative ways to rebel. These include:

(Rebel against what??)
RESTRICTING= rebel against "IMPURITY/ CONTAMINATION" = take a shower; clean/ organize house; mindfully/ compassionately acknowledge own body
BINGEING= rebel against "DEPRIVATION/ NEGLECT" = do something you enjoyed as a kid; let yourself cry/ laugh; immerse self in creativity
PURGING= rebel against "VIOLATION/ LOSS OF SELF" = list/ describe your OWN likes/ dislikes, joys/ dreams, etc; pray & focus on "eternal self"; EXPRESS self

To stay accountable, publicly announce that you have embraced abstinence and effective behavior!
Get in contact with other effective people who can help. These include:


No one yet! Potentially a social worker, therapist, or crisis hotline? Ideally I'd like to turn to family and church members BUT they currently lack education/ understanding. I still want to BE ACCOUNTABLE!
I MUST nevertheless ACTIVELY DEVELOP relationships with family & church community, maybe some neighbors (be prudent!)

The most helpful skills & handouts for me to prevent a "slip" turning into a "slide" are:

Lists of EXAMPLES of coping skill applications, positive experiences, and self-soothing techniques; skills on how to manage intense negative emotions/ destructive urges in realtime

What are some things you can say to cheerlead yourself?

"Keep going; take courage; no feeling is final, & no failure is fatal. There is ALWAYS hope."
"Forgive yourself; even babies fall when learning to walk. Keep trying-- that's how you will succeed!"

What are some extreme thoughts you might struggle with? How can you look for middle ground instead?

EXTREME= "I can't remember what "healthy" looks like; how could I ever get there?
MIDDLE= I know what is UNhealthy, and what my hopes are. That's healthy enough; start there!

EXTREME= "I am overwhelmed & distraught; I am too tired of coping to keep fighting."
MIDDLE= "I know these feelings can & will subside, even if they're intense now. Patience is fighting, too."

No matter how many times you may slip, always recommit to 100% total abstinence.

You can ALWAYS get back on track-- just don't lose hope!! And even if you do "wander far" from the right track... it's still there. You CAN find your way back; you DO know the way! Retrace your steps, and begin anew.



prismaticbleed: (Default)


post-breakfast//

Quick breakfast notes: Apples, apple juice, & the muffin are COMPLETELY SAFE now & actually enjoyable! I must admit there IS still a strange lingering "anxious" bit to the juice, but it FEELS baseless now, not just "reasonably" illogical. Obviously, there's still some dregs of an old unresolved fear there, one tied to autumn AND Jade's illness, and possibly binge trauma. So there IS a fair amount of stuff we KNOW we still have to work through-- and although it IS all legit, it is NOTABLE how minimal the "panic" reaction has become, for apples in general! Yes, we USED to greatly enjoy them-- they're RED/ WHITE and crunchy, after all-- but trauma dinged them up a little. Nothing that prayer & gracious effort can't fix! But ALSO notably is that, unsurprisingly, the "yellower" apples taste, the more nerves get agitated. Again, trauma/ disturbance. I need to write it out. But the muffin is lovely & harmless (apples MIGHT be generally "safened" when paired w/ starch??? See!). So are EGGS! I genuinely enjoyed its plain simplicity today; it DOES NOT taste like scrambled, EVEN tasting both the yolk & white together. That's fascinating! It proves that "PAIRING" & "COMBINING" are DIFFERENT in how they register!! Tasting components together is NOT THE SAME as tasting them "as one"-- the UNITY, the transformation of distinction vs fusion, is key. Think about that more in realtime AS we face it, & perhaps reflect on/ write about it; but DON'T OBSESS. It's cool data, but I CAN "get lost" in just data; the ultimate goal here is to USE this new understanding TO HELP US HEAL & GROW, by understanding why/ how our brain processes things AND preventing/ healing BOTH past & potential trauma/ disorder THROUGH wisely applying that understanding to this recovery process & journey. "Data for the sake of data" becomes mere trivia; UNLESS utilized edifyingly, it is useless. ON THAT NOTE! I ate in the kitchen today!! So I was VIGILANT about not acting in a disordered manner! But it was HUMBLING to resultingly SEE all the bad habits I STILL have-- humbling but GRACIOUSLY so, by definition. I still "shook out every drop" from the soymilk. I still attempted to scrape off crumbs to eat from the muffin wrapper. I still tried to "eat around" the butter to "save it for last." I still tried to break pieces off with my hands. I still ate most of the cereal "one piece at a time." I still poured soymilk into the coffee. HOWEVER!! I DIDN'T lick my packets or scrape lids. I DIDN'T eat things out of the packets. I DID spread the butter on half the muffin. I DID halve the muffin vertically, not horizontally. And I DID put the apple jelly ON the muffin and bite it WITH the muffin!! So THAT was a great small accomplishment! AND, since I DIDN'T do any shameful/ guilty behaviors-- at least, not in that regard-- I WAS able to taste it! I realized I CANNOT be expecting ALL apple stuff to taste the same-- there are DOZENS of kinds of apples & they ALL taste different! The jelly, in that respect, is NOT a "red apple" taste-- it's more like a Golden one. Sweeter & softer, but WARMER, too. Yet it STILL tastes notably "artificial"-- it's obviously NOT a literal apple. In any case, I tried it again SUCCESSFULLY, and now I can RESPECTFULLY decide, NOT "FORCE IT." Compulsions, EVEN to "like" something, ARE DISORDERED & MUST BE RESISTED. A quick illustration! I was just asked for lunch options! I realized that NO MATTER WHAT I CHOSE, I WOULD STILL FEAR that the OTHER choice was the "right one." THAT IS LETHAL, and prevents BOTH peace AND commitment-- even COURAGE!! So, MAKE THE BEST CHOICE YOU CAN, with the WISDOM and HOPE and CLEAR CONSCIENCE God can AND WILL give you, and LET IT BE!!! I picked OJ instead of grape because I know I like grape, esp. w/ sauce meals, BUT I keep "avoiding" OJ out of "ACID COMBO FEAR" so it was WISER/ HEALTHIER to CHALLENGE that. Then it was applesauce OR a Dole fruit cup, and although the former is still uneasy, I've NEVER faced those latent fears OF the fruit cups (buried! but sensed! I'll gauge the realtime visual reaction) so THAT was wiser here, too!! In any case, I DID NOTHING "WRONG." I did my BEST with GOOD, CLEAR intentions-- WANTING wisely to DO WHAT WOULD BE MOST BENEFICIAL TO RECOVERY! So I MUST accept that choice, NO "VACILLATING!!" Commitment is a VITAL virtue in recovery, but it's rooted in FAITH first & foremost-- the TOTAL TRUST that, not only is GOD in control of ALL options & outcomes, but ALSO, when I do my best WITH THE ACTIVE INTENTION & EFFORT TO COOPERATE WITH HIS PURPOSES, even though I'm feeble & confused, GOD WILL direct WHATEVER choices I made in that good manner TOWARDS my highest Good, ACCORDING TO HIS LOVING SOVEREIGN WILL. So yeah. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY, THROUGH GRACE. ♥ Rest in that! Have faith! Now one last segue-- I faced BOTH doubt & faith with the cereal-- both shame & guilt, too. I wasn't sure if drinking the cereal milk was proper or not, but I KNEW that "picking at the cereal" COULD trigger someone's restrictive behavior! THEREFORE, I bravely STOPPED picking & tried small spoonfuls, NOT large ones, taking a MODESTLY BALANCED choice of action, both respecting others AND NOT triggering MY own tendency to binge/ choke down food! With the milk, I reasoned that eating it with a spoon "like soup" WOULD be disordered, whereas children typically DO drink it from the bowl. So I did, too-- BUT too soon!! I drank it WHILE the cereal was in the bowl still, TO "REGULATE THE TEXTURE," NOT TO "BE PROPERLY BEHAVED!" My TRUE motives were IMPURE! Next time, I must ADD LESS MILK if I want the texture firmer. NO "EXIT STRATEGY" BEHAVIORS! Those are DIRECTLY tied to the purging compulsion, so AVOID them! Lastly, for the record, although data was hindered by that hesitant confusion, we weren't scared of the Chex-- apparently the cinnamon-type trauma was tied to it DRY? Whereas we have POSITIVE HOSPITAL memory of rice chex?? Plus the texture is lovely in milk, as is the taste of the spices. Again, CONCEPT is terrifying-- not the experience!



post-lunch//

Pizza day! We ate with the group again-- BUT God CAN also talk to us THROUGH OTHERS-- through voice, AND IN the "noisy" situations where people get together. He isn't "blocked" OR "exempt" from noisy places-- in paradoxical truth, God can talk to us in SPECIAL ways amidst great noise, BECAUSE "His Power is made perfect in our weakness," like when we go INTO the silence of our HEARTS despite the din, SEEKING HIS PEACE. In those situations, God can help us experience SUPERNATURAL peace, UNHINDERED by external circumstances, AND just as true & real IN ALL. Silence or noise, it doesn't matter in this regard-- GOD IS THERE. You just have to look for Him, with all your heart, and He WILL meet you there, WHEREVER you are, HOWEVER much noise there is. SO!! TRUST IN HIS CONSTANCY & SEEK HIS PEACE when we're overwhelmed and/or distracted in the dining room!! We're gonna inevitably face noise & social overwhelm in life, especially when sharing meals. That's just life! But DON'T get resentful & "blame-shift," thinking your peace has been stolen or prevented. It CAN'T be taken away, IF IT'S GOD'S PEACE!! And His Peace will ALSO allow/ enable you to not only COOPERATE with God's plan OF PUTTING YOU IN THAT SITUATION by practicing GRATITUDE & WILLINGNESS, but His Peace-- which IS HIS PRESENCE BY THE SPIRIT-- will ALSO enable you to LOVE the people around you, AND even the situation itself, noisy as it is, because that noise is ALSO a signal OF those beloved people, alive & thriving & interested & interesting & vibrant & joyful & part of God's beautiful Creation, of which YOU, too, are a part, and are lovingly encouraged to participate in, WITH love.
+ Quick meal notes. We LIKE red cabbage, carrots, black olives, lettuce, & tomatoes. We're "fine" with feta cheese? It's not a "fave," but no complaint. It has a really cool texture, & unique taste, a bit like blue cheese (Astra's fave). It's pretty new to us! So we're learning, and CAN learn, as it's becoming less "scary" the more we try it, & therefore ACTIVELY HELP "POSITIVIZE" it through actually enjoying & appreciating it. We ACTUALLY & UNEXPECTEDLY did that for the HOT PEPPERS today-- the yellowgreen ones! Apparently, they taste GOOD with Ranch?? The dairy "takes the edges/ bite" off of their acid zing, and does SOMETHING enjoyable to the overall taste-- something we cannot describe or even remember yet, because BOTH those foods have fuzzy, unclear data, and the experience of them paired was SO brief & small, it only registered as an "instinctive flash response" (the immediate "gut feeling" we get about ANY food, apparently according to how it harmonizes/ clashes with our/ my personal vibe?)-- so we will absolutely pay close attention to that next Friday, as well as the peppers themselves (NOW that they HAVE a tangible infusion of positivity, thus "freeing" & "forgiving" them enough from trauma ties TO finally experience them in an open, more objective manner). Ranch, too, is an old trauma-linked food (gosh we have TOO MANY of those), and we're actually legitimately AFRAID to even LOOK at the taste memories, because the ones we currently have access to are ONLY tied TO frightening things!! AND, YOU CANNOT "INVENT" NEW, POSITIVE ASSOCIATIONS FOR A FOOD IF YOU CANNOT ACCESS ITS ACTUAL TASTE DATA, because THAT is what is tangled up IN memory!! So that has to wait until Friday, too. The fruit cup was interesting-- the fruit is kinda "blanched," so it's really only texture. And that's cool! We're just admittedly "disappointed" that it's therefore a "NEW" experience, not a way to heal other ones that hurt-- or so we assumed. We don't see the big picture! But GOD DOES, and He led us to this. So, even if it appears inert, GOD has a purpose for it, on HIS time, even if you can't see or imagine it! TRUST that HE is STILL working ALL THINGS our for your Good, you who love Him. Remember that, offer sincere gratitude for the exact situation, and surrender both it AND your anxieties into His Hands. Faith can move mountains! So we're letting the fruit cup remain in its mystery until the next time we get one. (If nothing else, we're nudged to say, it is helping you like the TEXTURE of fear foods, WITHOUT the FLAVOR/ COLOR TRIGGER!! So the next time you face that fear food, you DO like something about it now, "tangibly infusing that positivity" into it & ALLOWING/ ENABLING FURTHER HEALING through that new gentle affection!!) Surprisingly, the NEW food we got today WASN'T a mystery-- it was an UDI'S CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE! And it tasted SO MUCH like the protein cookies we were obsessed with when we started our Bible study. So there IS taste data, slight but solid, already-- thanks to that predisposition. BUT in realtime, we were too nervous about clock time (last 5 minutes) AND the simple fact that we were eating NOT JUST chocolate, but a CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE-- that we kept dissociating. Chocolate chips are still explicitly frightening, but ESPECIALLY so due to their association with baking, where they'd either melt into "TARSLUDGE" or be baked into treats that we would ALWAYS be punished/ scolded roughly for eating (due to our disorder). So we were scared of the chocolate and its sxtrauma associations, PLUS we were expecting to be 'CAUGHT" & PUNISHED for eating a cookie. We'll work on that. But there is hope-- deep down, we DID like it, just as the soft & sweet little thing it is. On that note, lastly-- WE LIKE THE PIZZA!!! Wahoo! The crust is WONDERFUL, the sauce is nice & garlic(!)-peppery, and we DO enjoy the cheese's flavor AND texture! There are vague "flavor neighbors" for it & the crust in our memory, pinging but unidentified. And for now that's okay! The point is, even if it's just this unique kind so far, we FINALLY LIKE "PIZZA"!!! And THAT'S a door to healing the WHOLE CONCEPT.

 



prismaticbleed: (soniccity)

For each IMPROVE skill, write down what you did during the week, and then a number (1-5) to indicate how effective the skill was in helping you tolerate distress & cope with the stressful situation.

IMAGERY

1. "Invented" a new, good ending to a triggered trauma memory (4)
2. "Visualized" ideas for a story I'm writing, like watching a movie (5)
3. "Imagined" walking through a snow-covered winter woods, with a frozen river & wintergreen (4)

MEANING

1. Felt I "failed" a meal; looked for & listed things I still learned & accomplished (3)
2. MASSIVE panic attack; used it as an opportunity to practice HEALTHY coping skills (4)
3. Reminded myself of the positive values I could strengthen despite distress, such as patience & self-control (4)

PRAYER

1. Prayed for help in courageously facing a fear food without overwhelm (5)
2. Said childhood prayers in shower to reroute focus from obsessive ruminations (5)
3. Brought anxiety over fear food to God in prayer, asking for guidance to face/ heal it (5)

RELAXATION

1. Used progressive muscle relaxation when anxiety began to increase (3)
2. Actively tried to breathe slowly & un-tense body when panicking (4)
3. Practiced half-smiling & radical gratitude after a difficult meal, feeling dejected/ upset (3)

ONE THING IN THE MOMENT

1. Focused on reading workbook when thoughts were very agitated (4)
2. Focused on meal completely DURING a panic attack; appreciating new tastes (5)
3. Didn't let myself get lost in memories, good OR bad; focused on my life Right Now (3)

VACATION

1. Gave myself a break from journal/ workbooks to just close my eyes & rest (5)
2. Watched sunrise for ~15m upon waking instead of diving into daily work outright (5)
3. Let myself have an easier food alongside a FEAR food, instead of pushing too much at once (4)

ENCOURAGEMENT

1. Said, "you'll get through this, you've survived similar situations before." (3)
2. "There's NO 'wrong' snack option! Whatever you choose, it will be right, AND nutritious too!" (3)
3. "You are a unique person. You ARE ALLOWED to have your own preferences; it WON'T offend your family." (2)



prismaticbleed: (Default)


pre-breakfast//

Today, for love of my family-- and especially my poor confused brother-- I am courageously choosing to have a MEGA CHALLENGE BREAKFAST: including green tea w/ honey, apple jelly, a banana, and... CHOCOLATE MILK. God, give me YOUR strength, through faithful trust in YOUR ability AND Will to (please) use this effort for the good of my soul AND those of my family!!



post-breakfast//

We have an UNEXPECTED PROBLEM. Literally EVERYTHING in the actual meal was GOOD-- yes, I EVEN ENJOYED the banana AND the milk (only the slightest "nausea/ nerves" response)!!-- BUT. I'm feeling a HATRED RESPONSE to the JELLY & HONEY??? And God knows I TRIED to like them... but I think the true problem is, I tried TOO hard to taste them. I ate half of them FROM the containers. So there's SHAME & GUILT over that, of course. BUT REALLY, I JUST DON'T WANT TO EAT JELLY OR HONEY. I like PLAIN & SAVORY foods-- sugary stuff, like those condiments are, only nauseate me. IS THAT BAD?? Is it considered "avoidant eating" if I honestly just don't enjoy them at ALL? Is that a SIN?? I honestly can't tell, and I think THAT'S why I'm miserable: I tasted AND ate them ALL, and they "WEREN'T BAD," BUT I'd still never choose them as a "like." They're just "not for me." AND SOMEHOW I CAN'T ACCEPT THAT. I "didn't ENJOY them enough" and now I "HATE" them for "PREVENTING ME FROM HEALING"???? I look at the honey & think, "I WANT to like it, but when I tasted it, it triggered MEMORIES OF ANXIETY & DREAD; furthermore the taste itself has NO POSITIVE ASSOCIATIONS, so NOW I have to eat it AGAIN and pray for healing THEN-- but NOW, it just WRECKED this "healing meal" by introducing a NEW and EXHAUSTING, SCARY-SUGAR BURDEN, and I'm so tired of unexpected new terror foods. So I "HATE IT" for "hurting me" and "spitefully putting ANOTHER obstacle in my way of recovery." I tried to like it, but didn't, and deep down I feel broken & dirty & wrong now, DESPITE ACTUALLY making MOMENTOUS healing progress on the banana & milk. I feel FORCED to "LIKE EVERYTHING" and I just want the freedom TO "NOT LIKE" THINGS. I look at the jelly and I remember bingeing on it at home to GET RID OF IT because I "HATED" IT EVEN THEN. Except... I didn't?? I DON'T hate it. I just DON'T LIKE IT either. IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE??? I mean, yeah I DO "like" jelly AS A CONCEPT?? I LIKE cherries & grapes & apricots & apples & strawberries & oranges & peaches & blueberries/ raspberries/ blackberries & quince & ALL the fruits they make jelly & jam & marmalade from-- heck, I even like pineapple, deep down-- AND I like the texture it often has-- like a gel-- BUT!!!! I DON'T LIKE HOW HYPERSWEET IT IS. And I REALLY DON'T LIKE that you HAVE to "put it ON things," thus FORCING THEM TO BE SUGAR-SMOTHERED, & RUINING their essential taste/ texture! BUT WHY DO I FEEL OBLIGATED/ COMPELLED TO "taste" jellies IN THE FIRST PLACE??? Is it just because they LOOK lovely, all shiny clear & colorful in those glass jars, and thus I feel that they MUST TASTE AS NICE, but they DON'T, and the dissonance is IRRECONCILABLE so I now "MUST FORCE HARMONY" by "MAKING MYSELF ENJOY THEM"??? Otherwise, I'M A HYPOCRITE, and "don't REALLY like how they LOOK, then"??? And therefore I "CANNOT" like colorful, shiny, clear pretty glass things EITHER, "BECAUSE they look LIKE jelly, BUT YOU DON'T LIKE JELLY, SO MAKE UP YOUR TWO-FACED MIND!!!" IT'S TOTAL HELL. It TORMENTS me. AND it is OBVIOUS TRAUMA TALK!!!! In the end, I AM "NOT ALLOWED TO REFUSE THINGS OR SET BOUNDARIES!!!" It's EXACTLY what the last page in the previous journal was saying about Iscah & "Jessica"-- BOTH of them FORCE jelly consumption, compulsively trying ALL kinds "UNTIL THEY LIKE THEM," SO THEY CAN PLEASE/ NOT OFFEND/ UNDERSTAND/ "BECOME" EVERYBODY... except themselves.
+ All right, I NEED to forgive ALL parties & return to a PEACEFUL, COMPASSIONATE, MERCIFUL/ ACCEPTING state of heart. I need to LET GO of this resentment, ALLOW myself to NOT force jelly, and NOT HATE IT because it feels OBLIGATORY & UNLOVING. I'm tired of feeling bitter & miserable. Jesus, please help me. Only You can soothe my disturbed heart & mind; ONLY You can give TRUE Peace; ONLY YOU can TRULY show me & teach me the RIGHT thing to do here, the thing that will HONOR & PLEASE GOD, NOT SOME ARBITRARY CONDEMNATORY AUDIENCE/ ABUSER. ...Honestly? Weirdly, I'm SCARED to accept it as true, but my IMMEDIATE impression is that, NO, eating the jelly WILL NOT HONOR GOD, because I'm doing it FROM compulsive forcing fear, NOT for nutrition, EVEN THOUGH I'm "trying to like it FOR Mom & Jade & Grandma." Then I hear: "You DON'T have to "prove your love for them" by eating jelly!" "It has NOTHING to do with your sincerity of love BECAUSE it DOES NOT/ CANNOT DO ANYTHING for the GOOD OF THEIR SOUL"??? It's FEAR-BASED: "if THEY like it, then I MUST like it IF I TRULY like them!!" Hypocrisy terror. BUT!!! "THEY ARE NOT FOOD!!! The TRUE essence of who they are HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHETHER OR NOT THEY "LIKE JELLY" IN THIS LIFE!!!" So in the BIG picture, it shouldn't/ doesn't matter? BUT MY MOTIVES DO, don't they??? If I'm ONLY eating it TO love them more by "entering into THEIR unique personality/ life experience" in a small way, then wouldn't REFUSING to try & LEARN to like it be MORAL COWARDICE/ COLDHEARTEDNESS??? And DO I LIKE IT, TRUTHFULLY, ALREADY?? I can't tell. God I CAN'T TELL, because I DON'T KNOW WHAT "LIKES" ARE "MINE" AND WHICH ARE JUST "OBLIGATORY/ ABSORBED" BECAUSE "I MUST LIKE EVERYTHING, EVER." I don't know what's REALLY "me" and what's just FORCED/ IMITATIVE.
EATING SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ABOUT PERSONAL OPINION-- THAT'S DISORDERED BEHAVIOR TOO!! "It's NOT about "what you WANT-- it's about what you NEED TO DO!!... You HAVE to just ADJUST." (Thanks Hannah!!)
+ A further observation... "if your right hand causes you to sin, CUT IT OFF." Right now, eating the honey & jelly WITH this "resistant/ resentful" mindset, FORCING it for "likes/ imitation" and NOT for nutrition, IS SINFUL!!! FURTHERMORE, here I am, "trying to please my mom/ forgive my sibling" THROUGH eating the jelly & honey-- which makes NO LOGICAL OR MORAL SENSE-- BUT I'm doing so in a WAY that is OFFENSIVE & DISOBEDIENT & DISORDERED!!! Eating it right out of packets & jars, licking knives & fingers, putting it on improper foods, etc. NOT ONLY DISREGARDS & BREAKS UNIT RULES, it is ALSO DISHONORABLE & EMBARRASSING TO MY FAMILY!!! So, UNLESS I can eat those foods PROPERLY, MODESTLY, PRUDENTLY, WILLINGLY, OBEDIENTLY, and WITHOUT COMPULSION OR PANICKED "MUSTS," I SHOULD NOT BE EATING IT AT ALL. Doing so in THAT horrendous mindset, FORCING it, CAN ONLY PERPETUATE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS/ ASSOCIATIONS AND REINFORCE THE RESULTING DISORDERED BEHAVIOR!!! Really, it's SELF-ABUSIVE. If I CANNOT choose to eat them FREELY; if I DON'T understand WHY I'm choosing them; if the choice, once made, STILL feels "WRONG"/ unhealthy/ improper EVEN if I'm trying to "MAKE" it right... then STOP!!! DON'T HURT YOUR BODY OR SOUL!!! Decisions MUST be made IN A PROPER MANNER, or they're not TRUE "decisions"-- they're ADDICTIONS & COMPULSIONS.



prismaticbleed: (Default)


post-breakfast//

Breakfast was mostly corrective/ instructive. The eggs were lovely-- INSTANT hose company memories w/ ketchup-- BUT we only grabbed ONE ketchup, and that "mistake" made us dissociate; we struggled to even taste the rest of the eggs. But I tried & prayed! They just have a VERY light taste, so it is actually normally tough to "grasp" when dealing w/ distractions. But the memory data IS solidifying, thank You God! Unfortunately our HUGE MISTAKE was the french toast. We started fine, BUT nerves caused us to lapse into bizarre behaviors, and we put creamer AND soymilk on the toast, EVEN though JESUS SAID DON'T!! BUT HERE'S THE TROUBLE-- we always wondered, "why don't we obey?" And TODAY, we realized-- when we're anxious/ disturbed by "mistakes," we GET LOST IN EMOTIONAL DISTRESS, and when that happens, THOUGHTS BECOME NOISE, AND UNRELIABLE!! So the emotional turmoil OVERRIDES "LOGIC" & REASON, because we CAN'T DISCERN EITHER PROPERLY in that state! Therefore, EVEN internal "don't do it!!" warnings are DISREGARDED, but UNWILLINGLY-- we SENSE the threat & danger & FEAR the choice/ action/ consequences, BUT DO IT ANYWAY because we're ALREADY SHAKEN/ SCARED AND "DESPAIRING"-- to us, even ONE mistake instantly PREVENTS SUCCESS & DOOMS US TO FAILURE, so "making MORE mistakes" not only feels INEVITABLE but almost OBLIGATORY?? Like the very concept of "NOT making that predicted, and therefore "GUARANTEED" mistake, is incomprehensible; our current "reality" has now been redefined AS "failure" so ALL actions "MUST" fit the bill?? To HAVE obeyed, and said "OK, I won't do that BECAUSE You're implying it would be unwise/ improper/ harmful," would actually have REQUIRED us to have been in a REASONABLE STATE OF MIND-- ONE THAT COULD HOPE FOR, AND BELIEVE IN, HEALTH & PEACE & WELLBEING! But we felt "DOOMED" to make further mistakes; "the first domino had fallen," so there was "no point" in picking one back up: the "whole thing" was wrecked; the WHOLE was TAINTED/ CORRUPTED by the single drop of poison. So we just... put the creamer on the toast anyway, BIZARRELY "hoping against hope" that the moisture would soften it & "soothe" us in the process? Which leads into our next three points: (1) "DISORDERED/ IMPROPER" BEHAVIOR ALWAYS ENDS BADLY!!! Yes, we DID have hope that it'd work well, and potentially it might have, but ON THE UNIT, SUCH "IMPROPER" USE OF CREAMER IS VERY MUCH DISOBEDIENT TO UNIT BEHAVIOR RULES!!! Which can be VERY hard for us to accept in certain situations like this, where the "added moisture" would potentially make a food MUCH easier AND/OR less disturbing to eat!! BUT THE GUILT IS CRUSHING. We know that "if we were CAUGHT," we would be UNBEARABLY ASHAMED & HUMILIATED, AND GUILTY OF REBELLIOUS BEHAVIOR! We ARE NOT an exception to the rules!! But oh man I've gotta admit we are STUBBORNLY TEMPTED to STILL dump creamers over the Saturday rice bowl, because THAT MADE IT PALATABLE last weekend when we WERE ACTIVELY STRUGGLING TO COPE WITH NEW TRAUMA, and the taste/ texture shift GENUINELY HELPED, both to chew it AND in making it "SOFT/SWEET" to, conceptually, soothe our crying frightened child of a mind deeply shaken. AND IT HELPED. So... we feel VERY torn, even if foolishly, between "creamer is ONLY to be put into coffee or tea," and 'I WANT to put creamer into the rice because AT HOME it would be both ALLOWED AND HELPFUL; besides, Indian recipes OFTEN add sweeter coconut milks & creams to their rice dishes!!" Still... at the absolute bitter core of it, the choice comes down to OBEY THE CONTEXTUAL RULES or BREAK THOSE RULES & SELF-INDULGE. "Do the RIGHT thing, EVEN if no one is looking." But GOD is ALWAYS looking; and HE KNOWS your TRUE motivation, beneath all the excuses & petty, vain "justifications": put bluntly, in this dilemma, my temptation is to prioritize pleasure over sacrifice. I want sweet rice, not savory rice, EVEN THOUGH THAT'S the kind GOD GAVE ME to eat!!! Who am I to brazenly insist on my own way, on special treatment??? I'm dust!! I'm a wretched worm!! I'm grumbling about taste & texture, complaining about the desert's limitations, EVEN THOUGH GOD IS MIRACULOUSLY FEEDING, PROTECTING, GUIDING, AND SAVING ME!! I'm blinding myself TO those blessed miracles by foolishly fixating on rice and coffee creamer. What an idiot I'm being. God forgive me. Boy oh boy I am being VERY LOVINGLY CHASTISED today!!! I'm SORELY humbled, but I'm regaining my sight down here, sheltered from the hot air of pride, here in the SHADOW of God's protective wings. I couldn't even fit under them before, puffing myself up all proud & stiff-necked. But now... I'm like a feeble baby bird. I've realized my own wings aren't developed yet, and I'm too uneducated AND weak to fly yet. Honestly I'm happier here, close to God, contrite for having been so silly & trying to do things on my own, not having ANY right judgment on my own, getting scorched & sick, humiliated & ashamed. But God still welcomes me back with open arms & a smile when I return to Him with a humbled heart. Obedience is best, and WISE, for the LIFE of both my body & soul. And it is ONLY through WILLINGLY CHOOSING to both make AND endure little "deaths" of self-sacrifice & mortification-- tiny Crosses, splinters of His Own-- that I can PARTICIPATE IN AND RECEIVE FORGIVENESS FOR MY DISOBEDIENCE, AND A NEW LIFE LIVED BOTH IN AND FOR HIM!! I can JOYFULLY OFFER UP MY LITTLE MORTIFICATIONS IN UNION WITH HIS, which is an INCOMPREHENSIBLE HONOR, allowing my pain & inconvenience & self-denial to be INFUSED WITH HOLY PURPOSE & POWER, as they are then MADE PART OF CHRIST'S REDEMPTIVE WORK! He ALLOWS AND ENCOURAGES US to "fill up what is lacking" in the Suffering of His Body, as it was then limited by time & space, but IN US, THE CHURCH, that SAME sacrifice of the Cross BECOMES TANGIBLY ETERNAL & OMNIPRESENT!!! How could I EVER disdain such an honor, such a blissful opportunity?? Choosing the SELF-DENIAL of NOT putting creamer in food, however "paltry" it may seem, is STILL a mortification of my own emotional compulsions, and WILL require a SOLID EFFORT OF WILL-- something ONLY POSSIBLE THROUGH GRACE!!! So PRAY for that Grace, AND for a heart humble, open, SOFT & SWEET enough TO BOTH RECEIVE & ACT ON THAT GRACE!!!
On that note, (2) FRENCH TOAST IS STILL TRIGGERING US?? Looking at what data we have, a BIG part of that IS the harder the texture this kind has, AND I THINK I KNOW WHY-- because AT HOME, as a child, "SAFE" french toast would either be on ROUND ITALIAN BREAD or FLUFFY TEXAS TOAST... and both would ALWAYS be SOFT & WET from the steam and the butter! The ONLY TIMES we EVER had "regular sliced bread" french toast were IN NORTH CAROLINA, AND DURING BINGES-- and yes, in BOTH cases, THEY WERE HARD. So THAT explains WHY our poor bedraggled brain FAVORED EMOTION OVER OBEDIENCE and "wet" the toast; IT WAS TRYING TO PREVENT THAT TRAUMA RESPONSE, and instead REMEMBER CHILDHOOD COMFORTS. There was just ONE seemingly insignificant factor we overlooked, never guessing how HUGE it actually was... (3) TASTE MATTERS. This one BLINDSIDED us. We SOMEHOW overlooked the ADDITIONAL childhood-memory fact that we ALWAYS had POWDERED SUGAR on our hyperbuttered french toast... NEVER SYRUP!!! Now by itself that's just a distinction; BUT!! The INSTANT we put it on the breakfast today & TASTED it? SHEER PANIC. We did NOT expect that! But the ketchup "mistake" had made our mind vulnerable, so it's not surprising something distressing was now ABLE to surface. Syrup is a BINGE FOOD first & foremost, so that anxiety makes sense, BUT there were TWO MORE TRAUMA TRIGGERS??? First was the taste of syrup PLUS CINNAMON-- somehow that spiked the nerves? But the WORST was SYRUP + BUTTER-- we IMMEDIATELY got PANCAKE TERROR??? Like LEGIT TRAUMA-GRADE fear!!! The very THOUGHT of eating pancakes with syrup makes us ACTUALLY WANT TO VOMIT. And there is GOOD REASON why, judging by the FACTS that we've had MULTIPLE experiences where "pancakes" = oil fires, fire alarms, horrific burns/ spills, and FILTHY frying pans; PLUS typically pancakes would be THICK AS GLUE, bitter as baking soda, and DROWNING IN SYRUP. I CANNOT think of a SINGLE non-traumatic pancake incident; EVERY time we'd eat one, we would be TREMBLING, TERRIFIED, & IN TEARS. Notably, the ONLY "positive" pancake experience we've EVER had was in a DRAMATICALLY separate context: sneaking broken pieces off of COLD pancakes, saranwrapped in the refrigerator, as a guilty child-- and ONLY the chocolate chip kind!! Plain, blueberry, cranberry, raisin, AND banana kinds are ALL SCARY!!! HONESTLY I wonder if the ONLY REASON chocolate chip ones were "safe" is because we ate them AS COOKIES! We NEVER ate them with utensils, and they were ALWAYS cold and "stiff"-- NOT warm or wet or soft! Those qualities are ESSENTIAL for french toast, but LETHAL for pancakes-- on that note, THAT may have set off the french toast panic?? Because THEY were dangerous WHEN COLD!! And the ones on today's plate WERE-- cold, hard, & dry! STILL, on their own, they NEVER gave the SHEER AMOUNT OF FEAR & DREAD that the syrup did today. That has me so confused, because it is EXACERBATED by being paired with not just butter, but ALSO the cinnamon, and maybe nutmeg? But specifically the "french toast" taste! Why so?? Is it just too close of a pancake analog, that tasting syrup ON french toast is "wrong"?? OR DID WE HAVE A BINGE TRAUMA WITH SYRUP ON FRENCH TOAST, TOO??? Would THAT do it? Because honestly I'm ALSO unsure on whether or not SYRUP on its own COUNTS as trauma food, because I DID taste some plain today, but... no immediate flashbacks??? Just "autumn = maple" associations. Which is BIZARRE, because even IMAGINING THE TASTE OF SYRUP MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE. But is that because MOST of my memories of it are AS IT IN A COMBINATION?? Like on pancakes, or in beans or something? And THAT is nauseating. But "just maple" isn't scary?? I DON'T "like" it; that I must admit, BUT geez WHY am I even scared of the WORD "MAPLE"?? It legit gives me the shakes!! Actually, HOW MUCH OF THAT IS "HARVEST FEAR"??? Consider that, BUT please ALSO consider that there is the tiniest bit of syrup still on my hands and WHENEVER I catch that scent, I INSTANTLY GET PANCAKE VISUALS!!! Like the two have become INEXTRICABLE in sensory memory?? And pancakes are LEGIT TERRIFYING... unless they are COLD with chocolate chips, haha. That is SO WEIRD, ESPECIALLY since CHOCOLATE ITSELF is a HUGE trauma food, arguably the WORST!! But context is powerful, and for SOME REASON, COLD CHOCOLATE CHIPS don't immediately register AS chocolate??? Partly the temp/ texture change, partly the bittersweet taste?? No clue. Gosh this is all so tangled. I'm only trying so hard to UNTANGLE it so that, by UNEARTHING/ REVEALING the roots, we CAN ease out those knots through patience & WISDOM gained through KNOWLEDGE & UNDERSTANDING, and in doing so, enable our soul & mind to HEAL & GROW AGAIN. I want to be free. But you CAN'T just "turn off" trauma; nor can it be suppressed, denied, belittled, or rejected without DISASTROUS CONSEQUENCES. Trauma, EVEN weirdass food trauma like this, is a REAL PSYCHOLOGICAL WOUND that REQUIRES CAREFUL, PATIENT, COMPASSIONATE HEALING, and that process is UNIQUE to every soul, as it inevitably corresponds to both HOW one was wounded, and BY WHAT. If I was somehow "wounded" by pancakes & syrup BEING PART OF A TRAUMA-- the food, in and of itself, IS AND WAS HARMLESS & INNOCENT-- then I MUST ACCEPT THAT trauma response AS REAL & LEGITIMATE BEFORE IT CAN BE HEALED!!!
On that note, again. Syrup DOES seem to turn my stomach, in and of itself! I think it's just the simple sugars? Perhaps-- but I cannot deny that the SHEER BRUTE FORCE of "pancake panic" that hit/ is hitting me is NOT easing the nausea, haha. So right now I can't objectively tell whether or not this sick feeling & urge to vomit is from the syrup in a physical way, or in an emotional way. Could be both! But I ALSO have both prayer & Mylanta to combat it, ahaha, so we're golden. Which is VERY GOOD TO KNOW because LUNCH IS DOUBLE CHOCOLATE! BUT!!! EVEN in that, I'm actually tearing up because GOD IS SO MERCIFUL & GENTLE WITH ME. I was PLANNING to tackle the chocolate milk at lunch, BUT God apparently decided that wouldn't be smart on top of this syrup stress, so He CHANGED it to a chocolate pudding (safest chocolate option!) and a chocolate SHAKE 'EM UP. So I have been granted REST from my efforts, WITHOUT removing my efforts!! THANK YOU GOD. ♥ Now I've gotta STOP & PRAY so that, by God's grace, I CAN meet that challenge!!
(One last note: we are HEARTBROKEN that we can't have "GRANDMA'S" vanilla pudding today. BUT. We lifted that up in prayerful surrender, wanting to heal & be courageous-- we COULDN'T enjoy "her" pudding if we KNEW we were "running away" TO do so-- and almost heard her say, "I already know you love me; the pudding won't change that, and you don't need to "prove it" that way. But you CAN prove your trust in God, AND your willingness to more fully love & forgive MY DAUGHTER-- by eating the chocolate pudding with JUST AS MUCH tenderness & gratitude today. Have faith in God's plan and surrender to His merciful Will; He allows this to teach you an even deeper, more complete love & trust, for the truest healing & salvation of your soul. Don't worry about me! I already love you, too. There's nothing to be sad about." So here we go!!




post-lunch//

+ The chocolate pudding DID taste JUST LIKE Mom's desserts! And the Shake 'em Up WASN'T SCARY AT ALL; I actually ENJOYED it, even though it tastes quite unique!! It's not bad at all-- and I'm HONESTLY learning, through all this courageous effort, that maybe... chocolate itself ISN'T BAD, either. What a thought. What a beautiful thought. That's... LIBERATING, to my very soul. Chocolate is an ANCIENT fear food, one I even HATED, and even damned as EVIL!! To be PROVING THAT WRONG is not only FREEING MY HEART from that horrible judgmental bias, but it's ALSO glorifying GOD-- proving that EVEN the WORST fears-- and sinners!!-- CAN BE REDEEMED!!!



post-snack//

It was a challenge night!! I tried BOTH the DORITOS & the CHOCOLATE SUNDAE! And, blessed be God, they were BOTH GOOD!! Admittedly, yes there WERE some little "tough spots," but they were SO minor it surprised me! The Doritos have a "corn chip" anxiety, very little, tied to old memories of stale/ dusty tortilla chips at the house, corn taco messes, and TBAS shaming us for eating THEIR chips/ us bingeing on corn tortillas at night. But God knows we want to LET THAT GO, AND FORGIVE. It's really ONLY possible through LOVE, and God ALSO knows we NEED HIS GRACE TO DO THAT-- we honestly want to love them, BUT the "LAST time" we loved them it nearly KILLED us-- they were ACTIVELY CORRUPTING OUR CONSCIENCE, and we were just nosediving into the eating disorder to cope with the trauma/ powerlessness/ isolation/ loss of self/ etc. We DID love them. Just, after all that terror, we're not sure HOW to STILL love them SAFELY, without damaging our soul again. GOD knows, though. Jesus knows better than ANYONE, EVER. We'll talk to Him in prayer about it. But yes! Thankfully, despite the shame/ anxiety "aura" that corn chips have, we DO like them, ultimately? And the nacho taste was actually kinda nice! AND we DIDN'T GET SICK OR DIRTY!!! Thank You God!!! ♥ So we're gonna try 'em again tomorrow-- WITH the ice cream, which tastes like BOTH childhood Valentine's day chocolate, AND how Hershey Park smells! So it's positive AND anxious. We'll work on visiting the memories & healing that anxiety, once we find its roots (probably social attention + park helplessness). God will help us. ♥ See you tomorrow!!

 


prismaticbleed: (shatter)

(uploading this solely for the amount of distorted thought processes/ sheer panic/ memory interference PROOF recorded here, for when ignorant socials deny that there is a disorder here)

(we were expected to eat ALL of these foods at some point during inpatient treatment, to "challenge our disorder" and "prove we COULD eat them" (a VERY toxic mindset in and of itself). we therefore wrote down WHY doing so was terrifying to us.)

--------------------------------------------

CEREAL FEARS (by increasing terror):

CHEERIOS = "hell aftertaste." old binge food.
RICE KRISPIES = "maggot fear." also SOUND = ATTENTION.
FROSTED FLAKES = SUGAR content panic! "punishment" for eating; they're for Astra, NOT you". SCARED of drinking sugar milk.
CINNAMON CHEX = "rice clog" fear again, ALSO sugar panic. scared of "cinnamon overdose." OLD "POST-HOSPITAL" BINGE FOOD.
★"BLOOD VOMIT" INCIDENT WAS WITH THIS!!!
+ Whole milk instead of soy INREASES FEAR!!!

CHOCOLATE FEARS

MINT NUGO = "Kris" AND "SLC" trauma ties. Green/black also tied to Jade trauma.
CHOC NUGO = "Chocolate chip cookie" guilt. "Bad girl" fear. "NOT FOR YOU!" Eating feels overindulgent; "punishment is due."
PRETZ NUGO = General chocolate anxiety. Vague "shame" over pretzels as a concept; "dirty food" as they were always stale/ dusty/ buggy at home
CH. MILK = PURE TERROR, still. Possibly from sugar syrup taste plus the cocoa (which is terrifying by itself). Jade trauma HITS. Almost unbearable.
CH ENSURE = "Ensure vomit" trauma.
ICE CREAM SND = Choking binge food. Disturbed by mess-- melting over hands, biting spills, chocolate biscuit sticks to hands & teeth. "Body horror" feeling from filth. Summer/ POOL panic, humiliation. Depression food? Guilt/ shame/ fear/ filth associations.

OTHER LINGERING FEARS

BANANA = tied to Jade trauma, AND dirty jokes by TAS/ TBAS. Also tied to weird elephant/ monkey phobias. "Sugar panic" from traumatic blood sugar morning w/ ambulance. Tons of negative cultural infection. Manner of eating is highly disturbing.
APPLESAUCE = family dinner dread. Deep humiliation? Childhood roots to fear.
CANTALOUPE = Kitchen rot trauma. Got sick from it often. Also residual "spelling bee" shame?
PINEAPPLE = Childhood "allergy itchy" panic fear. Disturbing SLC memory stuck in the kitchen & FORCED to eat it in close quarters; invasive. "Yellow" fear. "Sour = stomach agony" fear.
HONEY = binge terror. "glucose spike" panic. STICKY; "filthy." TBAS association, subtle. Also sexual associations w/ dirty indulgence & gross luxury. Bear trope = "Fat, dangerous, lazy glutton" fear.
SYRUP = PANCAKE TRAUMA; the two are currently FUSED.
GR. JELLY = food drive "destruction binge" fear. also the "sandwich psychosis" night terror.
SUGAR = TBAS "bad dog" fear; bingeing, hidden in closet. General sexuality association. Tastes like bleach/death.
MUSTARD =  allergy panic. "Yellow" fear. "Alice in wonderland" anxiety??? "Fairground" terror associations.

prismaticbleed: (worried)


STRATEGIES FOR INCORPORATING NEW FOODS

NOT FOR HEALING TRAUMA!!!

"FIVE TYPES OF GLUTTONY" FEAR. This emphasis on "variety" & "novelty" & "complexity" is giving me genuine moral unease. Isn't it more spiritually beneficial to eat PLAIN, SIMPLE, COMMON foods? At least, WITHOUT rejecting differences when CALLED TO in social situations or by authority??
BUT for everyday life, we SHOULDN'T be "trying to expand our palate" because that's just VAPID INDULGENCE, isn't it? I want to be HUMBLE & CONTENT with a SIMPLE diet!!

+ Adding spices/ condiments ONLY works for nutritive goals; it WORSENS BINGE TRIGGERS and CANNOT HEAL TRAUMA!! It also INCREASES process stress; it makes meals TOO complex/ exhausting
+ Sometimes food "forms" have wildly different responses. For example, chickpeas are scary, but CRUNCHY dried ones AREN'T so much?? This is because they have DIFFERENT MEMORY ROOTS!! The "traumabrain" literally sees them as ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FOODS.
+ DO NOT FORCE "NEW" WAYS OF PREPARING FOODS!! "Trying" all these unnecessary, complicated preps is FOOLISH-- bad for budget, time, AND spiritual simplicity!!
+ As far as "getting comfortable with new foods," DECONSTRUCTION is OUR DEFAULT! However, the book gives pizza as an example-- trying the crust alone, then the cheese, etc.-- and our problem is that PIZZA is its OWN UNIQUE EXPERIENCE, and so it DOESN'T REGISTER AS "cheese + bread + tomato"!!!!! Our brain sees them as COMPLETELY UNIQUE ITEMS, both in experience and history, like I mentioned previously!! Cheese & bread is okay. Cheese & sauce is okay. Bread & sauce is okay. But PIZZA IS NOT OKAY. PIZZA HAS ITS OWN TRAUMA & MEMORY ANCHORS, UNIQUELY AS PIZZA!!! In theory, this could ALSO happen with the ingredient pairs-- plain bread is terrifying, but adding the cheese makes it safe, BECAUSE OF MEMORY ASSOCIATIONS (notably childhood grilled cheese with grandma). That's how freaking specific our brain is.

★ "You may be comfortable with one version of a food but not another" = I get this SO distinctly-- even temperature differences can make something register as a "different" food!! Ironically, (as the example shows the opposite) I've grown to be comfortable with raw apples (crunchy!) but NOT applesauce yet? Our problem is that our food aversions are BASED ON VERY SPECIFIC MEMORY/ TRAUMA ASSOCIATIONS!! It's typically NOT "dislike" of a taste, it's "dislike" of what that taste REMINDS us of, usually VERY STRONGLY-- trauma foods can trigger legit physiological flashbacks! So, I could eat ALL the raw carrots I want-- COOKED carrots are still scary, and FROZEN "striped" carrots are a TRAUMA FOOD. Raw carrots CANNOT touch that, because THEY were never associated to THOSE distinct events!! So it CAN'T be "eased into" this way. Each version is DISTINCT for a REASON. Blurring this would destroy us psychologically.
★ "Adding spice" & "Switching the prep" = These will only COMPOUND THE PROBLEM if I'm not careful! I can get "addicted" to condiments, AND the "taste conflict" often makes it MORE stressful to eat. I NEED, personally, to eat foods as SOLO experiences, ESPECIALLY if they're new, so I CAN "understand" what I'm eating AND prevent "vibe/ association fusing/ muddling" from TOO much input? Like, yes, I enjoy BOTH broccoli and cheese, but TOGETHER would be nauseating & distressing because my brain would interpret the "fused data" as a WHOLE NEW FOOD, and I wouldn't be able to appreciate EITHER ingredient as its own distinct thing!!
+ Similarly, let's take zucchini. Raw, steamed, sauteed, grilled, AND seasoned zucchini ALL REGISTER AS "DIFFERENT FOODS" on some level IN ORDER TO PREVENT MENTAL "DATA MUD" DISTRESS. "Zucchini" becomes "GOOD OR BAD" depending on the prep prefix, associated with specific experiences, and making them "universal" would RUIN THE FOOD. I enjoy raw zucchini, BUT steamed zucchini has trauma ties, and grilled zucchini will make me want to throw up. I CANNOT infect the raw experience by "seeing them all as one food"!! "Switching it up" only overcomplicates things?
HOWEVER, I cannot be such a stubborn complainer. Look at the COPE meals! I CAN ACTUALLY EAT POTATOES for this SAME REASON. Yes, I'm still TERRIFIED of baked potatoes (trauma), BUT home fries are fine, and so are wedges, because they have DIFFERENT MEMORY ROOTS. The real point is NOT obligation to try ALL preparations!!! The point is finding at LEAST ONE WAY TO ACTUALLY, SAFELY EAT a food that IS scary in a DIFFERENT way!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FEAR OF CONSEQUENCES OF EATING

In terms of trauma fears concerning food, the LITERAL answer to "whether or not my trauma will come true" is-- thanks be to God-- ALWAYS NO!!! Eating grits & dinosaur oatmeal CANNOT turn me back into a sexslave!! Eating ramen & tortillas & pizza CANNOT trap me overnight in their apartment!! Eating pineapple & beets & Lunabars CANNOT send me back to SLC!! IT'S LITERALY IMPOSSIBLE.

Yes, the MEMORIES & FEARS ARE REAL, BUT THEIR THREAT TO OUR LIFE was ALWAYS SEPARATE FROM THE LITERAL FOOD; the food just happened to be eaten DURING that potentially fatal event/ time period!! THE FOOD ITSELF IS INCAPABLE OF "REINITIATING TRAUMA." It can therefore actually HELP US, by ALLOWING us to FACE THOSE FLASHBACKS SAFELY, and BY facing them, ADMIT/ UNTANGLE/ HEAL THEM AT LAST!!! God guide us!


ARFID-SUD SCALE

"personally determined hierarchy for food exposure in ARFID with concern about aversive consequences"

★ 60+ ACTIVELY REFUSING to try?
"50" is no action?
0-40 is actively willing to eat
60-100 is actively wanting to RUN


BASED ON CURRENT UPMC EXPERIENCE & THEORETICALLY APPLIED MEMORY.

0 = genuinely enjoy eating these.
eggs, oats, english muffins, broccoli, chicken, yogurt, grilled cheese

10 = want to eat it, a little hesitant
cherries, lettuce, berries, grapes, cucumbers, zucchini, apples, cauliflower, corn, soymilk, milk

20 = subtly nervous in eating
cantaloupe, pears, artichokes, cabbage, tomato, beets, lemons, apricot

30 = anxious, but don't want to be
pineapple, brussels sprouts, cranberries, cornmeal, grapefruit, spinach, asparagus, figs

40 = "it's scary, but I'll try it"
tilapia, collards, plantains, leeks, green peppers, bamboo shoots, pumpkin, plum, ice cream

50 = "I'm scared enough to be STUCK"
celery, prunes, pomegranate, scallions, endive, mushrooms

60 = feeling notable dread.
kale, eggplant, turnips, snow peas, rice, pretzels, guava, goji berries

70 = feeling intense fear.
sweet potato, roast beef, TVP, muesli, waffles, crackers

80 = legit panicking.
all beans, kiwi, swiss chard, onions, chia seeds, rice cakes, barley, tortillas, rice milk

90 = shaking terror.
dates, mango, papaya, watercress, starfruit, ham, walnuts, ramen

100 = "I CANNOT DO THIS." ACUTE "fear of death"!!!
chocolate milk, chocolate candy, pancakes, syrup, hummus, coconut, sesame seeds, grits, shrimp, smoothies

★ A NOTABLY DRAMATIC EXAMPLE/ ILLUSTRATION of this is CHOCOLATE MILK.
Before trying it-- AND both during & after the first try!!-- it was a screaming 10. I legit thought I was going to die. Try #2 was me just gulping it down. But I didn't die then either. Try #3, yeah I'm still scared, BUT now it's only a 6 at its worst. I'm WILLING to face it again; even though I'm feeling that dread, I'm not panicking. Subconsciously, NOW I KNOW it's not "as scary" as it once was, before exposure. And further courageous, willing, mindful exposures will ALSO further decrease that distress! So SEEING it happen in realtime via lists like this STRENGTHENS my hope & bravely encourages me to keep trying, until it hits 0!
AN IMPORTANT DISTINCTION: EVEN if a food's DISTRESS RESPONSE is 0, I still might not "favor the flavor"! AND THAT'S OKAY!! I'm ALLOWED to have preferences-- AS LONG AS THEY ARE FREE FROM FEARS & JUDGMENTS. I'll probably never list chocolate milk as a "fave," BUT the goal is to be TOTALLY UNFAZED if I do have to drink it at some point-- not afraid, not angry, not hateful, only free.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AVOIDANT EATING RELAPSE PREVENTION PLAN

Ways that my eating has improved since the start of treatment:

+ Able to tolerate feelings of fullness without purging; decreasing anxiety over fullness
+ Decreasing "sickness/ poison/ allergy" fears; increased openness to new variety (baby steps)
+ Able to eat several foods I used to completely avoid/ fear; willing to face new ones
+ No longer terrified/ triggered by mess/ crumbs/ spills
+ Decrease in abnormal "completionist"/ OCD order & isolation behaviors; able to resist urges

Possible future triggers for relapse:

+ Too much talking/ noise around me/ being directly spoken to while eating, especially personal questions
+ Being forced to rush during meals, or having to eat in a hurry between appointments/ responsibilities
+ Despair/ depression/ anxiety/ guilt spikes; loss of coping methods or skill tools; family distancing
+ New disturbing experiences/ associations with foods, EVEN ones I enjoy/ have already healed
+ TRAUMA flashbacks/ reminders while eating, or before/ after eating (never really safe)

Red flags that I might be starting to relapse:

+ Abandoning/ decreasing self-care/ cleaning activities
+ Hyperrestricting types of foods eaten; repeating same meal over & over
+ Reluctance/ refusal to try new foods/ varieties; "throwing out" the rest if I do try it
+ Taking Benadryl before &/or after I eat; using laxatives; "flushing out" food with too much fluid
+ Overmixing, overspicing, and/or isolation of ingredients; "must eat every last tiny crumb"
+ "Pushing" unnecessary foods OR "undereating" to avoid fullness OR "try too hard" (NO SELF-RESPECT)

Techniques to continue or try on my own after treatment is completed:

+ Try at least one new food every week, working up to two; revisit things periodically
+ Utilize SMO time! Sit in couch & play Klonoa for an hour if that works!
+ DON'T re-omit old fear foods; be willing to regularly incorporate them into meals
+ Practice eating with utentils, in public, with background noise/ TV, and with family
+ Learn to eat foods AS COMBOS, not "one ingredient/ piece at a time", WITHOUT "forcing" combos compulsively/ unnaturally

Ways I'd like to continue to change my eating post-treatment:

+ Go to restaurants with family AND even alone; regularly eat WITH other people, esp. in public
+ Incorporate "complex" foods into my diet (things that must be cooked/ prepared extensively?)
+ Learn to bake things! Donate stuff to church bake sales, AND give to family & neighbors!
+ Get comfortable with eating "on the road," and at "unexpected times/ places" with minimal "plans"
+ Become able to cope with trauma symptoms & sensory overwhelm without relapsing, especially in public!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


SELF-MONITORING RECORD FOR AVOIDANT EATING


TIME = 100422 (LUNCH)
FOOD EATEN = CHOCOLATE CAKE!! (with milk chocolate frosting)
THOUGHTS & FEELINGS = TERRIFIED to see it! Upon tasting: "oh no, I like it??" Reminded me of mom's baking, & Easter chocolates! Tasted JUST like grandma's frostings.
PHYSICAL SENSATIONS = Anxiety in stomach, body tense. No actual taste aversion! Slight "choking" fear, from the dense texture

TIME = 100422 (LUNCH)
FOOD EATEN = Spaghetti, tomato sauce, parmesan cheese (I actually like the meatballs) = I DID avoid meat for YEARS, but my body ALWAYS craved it. I was immediately fond of these; they taste JUST like school memories of "hot lunches," and their texture is nice too. I actually look foward to them now!
THOUGHTS & FEELINGS = "Isolating" cheese/sauce "for last" instead of eating together. SCARED of "humiliating" process of slurping/ dropping noodles. Cut them up small, chewed VERY slowly to avoid choking on them. Still anxious about the taste AND texture/ mouthfeel of the long noodles. Sauce is still a bit scary too? Fear of acidity, dislike of "cooked" flavor tone? Vague "sickness" memory fears of the parmesan (migraines). Felt "dirty" eating long noodles?? Associate them with ROT & spills from bad storage/ being mocked as a child for "being piggish"?
PHYSICAL SENSATIONS = SOME disgust/ nausea over the noodle texture/ FEELING the "wormy" shape in my mouth, even when cut up. "Slurping" is TRAUMATIC in both the sensation & sound-- legit FRIGHTENED of "associated danger" from some past context?? Unidentified, but most likely SXABUSE!!!! Stomach upset from sauce; slight but notable; unease. Felt disheveled, wrong, upset after.

TIME = 100322 (LUNCH)
FOOD EATEN = STRAWBERRY SUNDAE!! (a little one! in a cup!)
THOUGHTS & FEELINGS = Legit almost skipped it. Determined to try anyway. One but in... "oh no. I LIKE IT!" Soft sweet PURE VANILLA ice cream! Wonderful smooth & creamy texture; NOT icy or watery or sticky! Lovely little "swirls" around the edges, so fun to eat. Felt like a happy kid. The strawberry sauce was VERY scary in concept, BUT I was SHOCKED that it ACTUALLY tasted like REAL STRAWBERRY! Not artificial! And it wasn't "sticky," just the tiniest bit. I even swirled some INTO the ice cream once I "got" the flavor. Honestly so grateful & surprised at how NICE the experience was. Thought of grandma.
PHYSICAL SENSATIONS = Slight initial anxiety at "eating sugar" AND at "eating ICE CREAM" (old trauma/ binge food; fear of "sugar death"). Enjoyed the creamy texture, especially when starting to melt. Teeth hurt a little from the cold/ sweet but I didn't react negatively to it; just let it be. Anxiety/ nausea spike when trying the syrup, but soon assuaged by its LOVELY RED FLAVOR



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


prismaticbleed: (Default)



pre-breakfast//

OPEN YOUR EYES
OPEN YOUR MIND
OPEN YOUR HEART

BE COURAGEOUS!
GROWTH = CHANGE = RISK!
AND IT'S WORTH IT!!

FOOD IS MEDICINE!
REMEMBER: THE GOAL IS NUTRITION!
IN THAT REGARD, ALL THE CHOICES FOR EXCHANGES ARE RIGHT CHOICES!!

Try not to hyperseparate/ isolate foods!
Eat in a normal, common fashion, with good manners!
Use condiments modestly & properly!

CALM DOWN, DON'T RUSH, STAY PRESENT!!

float on!



post-breakfast//

A vital realization: the ONLY self-preserving way to deal w/ sensory dissonance IS FOR THE CORE TO BE PRISMATIC!!! Jay tried to be, but failed in that he ultimately held it as an overlay-- Like iridescence; a soap-bubble sheen-- maybe even like paint?? But he only "wore" colors; I don't think he ever held them, let alone as a harmoniously UNITED whole! He saw himself as the white light, but NOT as the defined colors that the "prism of plurality" "BROKE him into"? There was a notable degree of self-preservative fear, and understandably so-- HE'S the Core that ended up SELF-ANNIHILATING by trying to "be EVERY color AT ONCE," with NO distinction or self-respect, striving to "be everything" for TBAS in order to "survive" AND "for them to still 'love' me," but only succeeding at losing ALL self through the trauma of "surviving" events we COULD NOT EVER CONSCIOUSLY ENDURE. I'm sorry if this is a mess. The point I'm trying to make is: he held it incorrectly. For the Core to GENUINELY be Prismatic, they must be able to "BE" EACH DISTINCT HUE, INDIVIDUALLY AND DISTINCTLY-- not as an undistinguishable "fusion"-- from the HEART, with all understanding & empathy, TOTALLY, but WITHOUT "locking into it" & excluding other hues to the effect of understanding/ accepting them WITHIN that distinction?? It's being ALL hues in essence, but DISTINCTLY, AND without "identifying as" any single one? EVEN WHITE! A Prism has to embrace the WHOLE SPECTRUM as a reality of BOTH white light & a rainbow AT ONCE. It's hard to explain, but my heart gets it. Prisms flow. There's no "grasping" or "attachment"; there's no "partiality" ultimately. A Prism LOVINGLY KNOWS, UNDERSTANDS, LOVES, RESPECTS, ACCEPTS, EMBRACES, EXPERIENCES, & EMBODIES THE WHOLE AS A UNITY OF "DISTINCT" PARTS! Like the Body of Christ! THAT'S WHO we're MEANT to reflect & be a GENUINE INDIVIDUAL PART OF, after all! So, as to how this applies to the food: it doesn't require imitation OR "exclusive identification" with sensory data. When eating the omelet, I can just BE in the NOW with it, perceiving its unique qualities and GRATEFULLY embracing them AS IS, because in my heart I LOVE ALL COLORS, and can let them color my heart WITHOUT "TURNING INTO" them, staying a PRISMATIC "WHITE" BEYOND AND WITHIN ALL THOSE HUES!! So I can FLOW, WITHOUT JARRING OR HARD "SWITCHES" OR RESISTANT "DISSONANCE," from hue to hue, RESPECTING THEIR INTEGRITY and not getting "attached" to any single one! But honestly? There's a "SECRET WEAPON" that facilitates this victory over confusion, and it is this: FOCUS ON GOD, NOT "SELF"!! After all, our TRUE SELF IS IN GOD!! He doesn't erase individuality-- He created us EACH as a unique work of art, for His joy & honor & service! THEREFORE, in order TO EVEN BE A "SELF" IN TRUTH, our TOTAL EXISTENCE MUST BE GROUNDED IN HIM, AND DIRECTED TOWARDS HIM, by LIVING WITH HIM IN LOVE, all by HIS GRACE through Jesus Christ, the WORD WHO CREATED ALL THINGS. So when I eat, and taste & see & smell & feel, I MUST prayerfully SEEK TO RECOGNIZE THE "FACETS" OF HIM IN ALL OF IT-- He being the ULTIMATE Light, Christ the PRISM of CREATIVE DISTINCTION, Speaking the hues of life into reality, the Spirit allowing us TO recognize HIM in all of it. And if THAT cognition is my true focus, NOT MYSELF/ OURSELF, then there CANNOT be dissonance OR rejection/ dislike, because it is ALL HONORED & APPRECIATED AS TANGIBLY REFLECTING SOME UNIQUE FACET OF THE CREATOR. There's a deeply refreshing & joyful freedom to no longer feeling "survival panic" over trying to stubbornly  "resist all outside "infectious influence/ contamination" (trauma response) and preserve a "separate sense of self."" That was exhausting & miserable. It's ALSO anti-Biblical!! We are a COMMUNION of Saints, a NATION of believers, a PEOPLE set apart as sacred, to be UNITED as ONE BODY in Christ! Furthermore, "he that seeks to SAVE his [worldly] life WILL LOSE IT, but he that LOSES his [worldly] life FOR THE SAKE OF CHRIST will SAVE it"-- AND "FIND IT" in the first place!! Egocentric behavior, EVEN "to survive," kills the soul. It's prioritizing BIOS over ZOE. In truth it is IMPOSSIBLE to "lose one's self" through "self-sacrifice," as paradoxical as that sounds, because the sacrifice we make of self IS AS ONE WITH THE SACRIFICE OF CHRIST, whose "death to the world" opened the doors of TRUE, ETERNAL LIFE, through a Self UNITED TO GOD! So, when we sacrifice OUR "selves," we are OFFERING our individual "egos" TO GOD, FOR HIS GLORY, WITH LOVE, and through that offering of our "worldly" desires & impulses, we can enter into a UNITIVE WHOLE in which our TRUE, UNDYING LIFE is AS ONE with ALL life, "loving our neighbor AS OURSELF" and loving GOD IN & BEYOND ALL. And that IS true freedom, unshackled from the animalistic survival/ desire drives of fallen nature through restoration of Grace in Christ's Cross willingly embraced & entered into. "Dying to the world" frees us from its weight, and allows us to live in the "Kingdom of Heaven" EVEN NOW, by instead dedicating our wills to the Spirit's guidance; thus our life in this body slowly but surely enters into eternity even before our literal death & full participation in it. BUT IT'S WHAT WE WERE CREATED TO BE ALL ALONG! "Worldliness" is a DISTORTION, an UNTRUTH! So don't be fooled by it-- don't get tangled & lost! Ask the Spirit for illumination, discernment, & guidance-- He WILL help you! And KEEP READING SCRIPTURE. Saturate your mind & thoughts & attention & very heart with God's Word, the TRUTH that CAN & WILL drown out the cacophanous noise of the world with its beautifully melodious song. Christ will give you His Peace, more & more, the closer you cling to Him. Seek His Face, ALWAYS. He is seeking you, too! He LOVES you. Go to Him; He WILL help you do ALL you need to do IN Love.
A VITAL REALIZATION ABOUT COLORS... the "exclusive"/ "dissonance" opposition problem we're having with "matching vibes" is actually ILLOGICAL and PROVEN FALSE at its root-- after all, how could I/we KNOW HOW/ WHY hues are different & unique, if I/we DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW ALL OF THEM AT ONCE??? Like, we CAN only distinguish/ discern IF we have COMPLETE/ ENTIRE KNOWLEDGE!!! If I didn't understand HOW Orange is different than Yellow, I COULDN'T EVEN SEE THEM AS DISTINCT!!! You see that blurring a LOT in natural language-- WITHOUT a distinctly definitive WORD for a hue, it CANNOT be defined AS a hue-- and that WORD ONLY can be given THROUGH distinct knowledge! Again, that's the WHOLE PROCESS of the 7 Days of Creation: God using WORDS to DISTINGUISH one distinct thing from another, DEFINING each, BUT only having the CAPACITY TO do so THROUGH MUTUALLY "KNOWING" BOTH. Yes, the THINGS are distinct, but the KNOWING of WHY is held AT ONCE, BY THE ONE. In summary: We don't/ can't "forget" OR "invalidate" one hue JUST because we ALSO know/ recognize a DIFFERENT one, SIMULTANEOUSLY.
+ Some quick notes about ACTUAL breakfast-- I think food order DOES count? Today we ate the raisins right after the omelet, and it gave us indigestion! Next time, eat the omelet last-- not as an old "best for last" compulsion (we shouldn't be partial; be grateful equally for every food), but because oatmeal & raisins are more fluid-soluble & less dense! So we'll try that. TODAY we ALSO tried mixing some of the raisins INTO the oatmeal, which we were always afraid to do before-- and it actually tasted LOVELY. The texture complexity of chewy + fluid is a bit jarring, but it's a unique experience we should not fear, as it IS technically a proper combo! And honestly, raisins ARE both nicer & more palatable when they regain some moisture, which the mixing-in accomplishes. I must add that I did pour half of a creamer into the oatmeal. Perhaps at home that would be allowed, BUT here we are operating by SPECIAL & UNIT-SPECIFIC RULES, which MUST be obeyed with humility & happy submission. On the unit, putting creamer into the oats is NOT proper, BECAUSE it can RESEMBLE or even PROVOKE disordered "overmixing" OR "binge-fusing" behaviors! REMEMBER, we used to binge on creamer! And some folks do the mixing in order to "render a food inedible" w/ IMPROPER combinations, thus falsely "justifying" their restrictive behavior. Those are the reasons I can imagine, in which case Saint Paul's words come to mind in 1 Corinthians 10:23-33! "DO NOT BECOME A STUMBLING BLOCK TO ANYONE!" Set a holy example; NEVER do anything with even the appearance of offense/ sin; seek ALWAYS to edify others, and work for THEIR benefit & advantage, even by "sacrificing" certain freedoms of choice; and DO ALL THINGS SOLELY FOR THE GLORY OF GOD!!!



post-lunch//

I am being SHOCKINGLY COURAGEOUS today. For lunch I had CHOCOLATE CAKE, and I'm bravely about to try CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM. How shall I get through it? I will think of Mom & Grandma. ♥!!! THAT is my courageous motivation. God, give me Your strength of Love!! Please give me YOUR Peace, to NOT fear this INNOCENT food OR my body's potential suffering from it. Help me TRUST in Your SOVEREIGNTY, KNOWING that WHATEVER happens, in ALL circumstances, YOU ARE IN CONTROL, AND ARE DIRECTING EVERYTHING for the HIGHEST GOOD OF MY SOUL. And hey, if I DO "die," then I'm going to be with You, oh I pray, through the infinite Grace & Mercy of my Savior & Friend, Jesus Christ!! So let this little chocolate challenge be a vehicle of grace. Use this experience to bring me ever closer to You in TOTAL faith. Let all my hope & joy be in YOU.



post-dinner//
 
THANKS BE TO GOD, I tasted the ENTIRE dinner, & the ice cream was JUST LIKE GRANDMA'S CHOCOLATE MARSHMALLOW. ♥ A victory!! I'm determined to overcome ALL my chocolate fears now-- WITH JESUS'S HELP, of course, or I WILL FAIL!! Remember that! I wrote out ALL my fears about each one, and I'm READY to face FIVE (!!!) of them immediately, bravely... but there are five more that TERRIFY me. Two aren't too bad (I hope!), but the other three? They have me shaking. But I want to be free of this fear SO BADLY. I took two HUGE steps already today; with GOD'S HELP I will take TWO MORE for snack. One isn't chocolate, but BOTH are HEAVILY tied to trauma. And... if God helps me through that tonight, then I pray... then with faith I will have the sheer fortitude to retry chocolate milk. TOMORROW. Because believe me, ONLY GOD CAN GET ME THROUGH THAT ONE! But just remember... "Of course I am willing! Be healed!" ASK, & HAVE FAITH!



prismaticbleed: (worried)


post-breakfast//

No variation in BK contents, but we did have some new insights.
+ SPINNY likes cream cheese? "bite" matches her sharp brightness?
+ someone LIKE Iscah likes bread PLAIN; humility, meekness, simplicity
+ Total dissociation for apple & yogurt because of MESS + MONITORING!!!
+ No condiments! We ate the egg plain again. We did crave the salt, but oh well, we forgot. And being able to taste the unadulterated (!!) pure white vibe OF the egg white was notably inspiring. It was so clear, so simple, and, well, pure. The yolk is AMBER, not YELLOW, and we ate it WITH the white AS GOD INTENDED! As a whole, by itself, it's an oddly reverent little thing. We do like eggs, in concept too.
ON THAT NOTE. Being aware of it now, we WATCHED for switches, AND THEY SURE DID HAPPEN-- with one FURTHER SHOCKING DETAIL-- if we DON'T HAVE AN APPLICABLE SOCIAL for the immediate context/ input vibe required, WE JUST COMPLETELY DISSOCIATE. There were SO MANY "mini-blackouts," it was distressing to realize. EVEN WORSE, when we DO "try to pay attention" IN an unassigned context, we seem to have ONLY TWO OPTIONS outside of just instantly dissociating again-- either we can DETACH and just try to DATA COLLECT-- which still causes some significant derealization as it REQUIRES a level of "distancing from the external" AND inevitably heightens internal cacophanic stress from the "implied dissonance" OF an achromatic GRAY "eating" CHROMATIC tones-- OR, we can "resort to" a VERY UNUSUAL and VERY DANGEROUS and unfortunately VERY FAMILIAR specie of Social... the omnivores. The "garbage dumps." The "self-disparaging ones." Right now there appear to be TWO: ISCAH, and "JESSICA" (the DARK BROWN one with unwashed hair)!!! They are GLUTTONS BY FUNCTION!!! THAT'S WHERE THE COMPULSIONS TO "TRY EVERYTHING" AND "EAT EVERYTHING" ARE ROOTED!!! Since the omnivores EXIST IN ORDER TO IMMEDIATELY STIFLE ALL DISSONANCE RISKS, THEY CANNOT HAVE THEIR OWN "STABLE/ SEPARATE" SENSE OF SELF!!! THEY EXIST AS BLURS-- Iscah through absolute appeasal, fawning, imitation, and mollification, "blithely enjoying everything" WITHOUT DISTINCTION OR ANY SELF-AWARENESS, wanting to "be/ do ANYTHING & EVERYTHING in order to please EVERYONE"-- and "Jessica" through despairing self-annihilation, in being "LESS THAN HUMAN," giving in EVEN to "disgusting" foods & "animalistic"/ "humiliating" behaviors in order to protect THE SYSTEM form contamination, choking EVERYTHING down without protest but MISERABLE, and INCAPABLE OF SELF-RESPECT OR ASSERTION BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T SURVIVE THAT HELLISH EXPOSURE WITH A SELF!!! BOTH of them "eat everything," Iscah to please/ fuse and "Jessica" to placate/ surrender-- BOTH ABUSE SURVIVAL TECHNIQUES, SPLIT BETWEEN DENIAL & DESPAIR. Similarly, BOTH of them "TRY EVERYTHING" for similar reasons-- Iscah TO "be ABLE to please/ understand/ IMITATE everyone," and "Jessica" to "NOT REJECT ANYONE else she be PUNISHED??" She operates from FEAR/ PANIC, & Iscah from "CURIOSITY/ DEVOTION"? But BOTH of them are COMPELLED, UNABLE TO SAY "NO" & THEREFORE UNABLE TO ACCEPT OR EXPERIENCE DISTINCTION BETWEEN "SELF" & "OTHERS"!!! There's ALSO a strangely mutual obsession with KNOWLEDGE? They try EVERYTHING because they insist, ADAMANTLY, "I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE"-- but IT STILL FEELS FORCED?? And they BOTH seem to secretly WANT IT DONE & OVER.



prismaticbleed: (shatter)


post-breakfast//

Lovely breakfast. Fearless omelet; peeled orange with NO mess OR anxiety; lovely tea; the PERFECT english muffin! Our only troubles: we bit the muffin in a "circle" & that guilt muted the data a bit. Please quit that habit; it does not help, nor does it make it "taste better"-- it has CONSISTENTLY proven to do the EXACT OPPOSITE! (BTW the cream cheese had been stored warm so it softened a LOT and that made it SO much nicer/ easier to eat!) Our second problem ties into yesterday-- I admitted that I LIKED the omelet, orange cheese & all, but THEN my weirdo brain said, "you can't like cheese; you don't match its vibe!!" You don't "match" its flavor/ texture-- YOU'RE no ORANGE!!" Same w/ the eggs: "YOU'RE not YELLOW!! And the "salt/fat" flavors clash COMPLETELY with YOUR vibe!!" THIS IS WHY I'M STRUGGLING WITH SELF-STABILITY. I have this frustrating, bizarre, yet "understandable" CONVICTION that one's personal integrity of individual identity is BETRAYED, VIOLATED, DAMAGED, even REJECTED outright IF/WHEN someone participates in/ CHOOSES to "take onto/ INTO oneself" / associates with something that is in DISHARMONY with their "vibe" OF personal distinct self??? Like, in this situation, I'm "choosing AND liking" an orange/ yellow food, with a salt/fat (heavy) flavor vibe, a "heavy"/ "cheesy" texture, AND a "heated" association? And NONE of those match me, SO, if/when I DO eat/like them, it feels like I'm REDEFINING (FORCIBLY!!) MY OWN IDENTITY/ SELF-INTEGRITY?? And dude that MIGHT ALSO be the ROOT of the PKMN-SV "omelet dread" w/ the Professors-- THEIR vibes CLASH HORRIBLY with omelets, too-- so it's like a crash/ scream of dissonant, PAINFUL mental NOISE inside, over & over, with neither food nor person ACTUALLY changing, but also with NO resolution or harmony, so it just CONTINUES, like trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole. It HURTS. But that explains SO MUCH, AND finally gives us the clarity to HEAL/ CORRECT the situation!! On that note, SADA DOES MATCH BOTH orange cheese AND arguably mushrooms? BECAUSE OF HER AESTHETIC INTEGRITY. So there IS a little resonance! BUT she DOES NOT vibe with the OMELET, and honestly I DON'T WANT HER TO BE THE ASSOCIATED "DEFAULT PERSON" ANYWAY, as she's NOT OURS, NOR does she MATCH US!! So LET IT GO. Pokémon has been "corrupted" by the Internet anyway, and we don't "relate to" the new games either. LET IT GO, PLEASE. I can GUARANTEE you we can find someone SAFE in the LEAGUE who CAN/ DOES match the omelet ENTIRELY. But, again, honestly? EVEN THEN, I'M TIRED OF THESE MENTAL GYMNASTICS IN ORDER TO EAT WITHOUT FEELING VIOLATED, because YES, THAT'S the CORE fear-- it's "an outside influence FORCING itself inside ME and FORCIBLY "CHANGING/ CORRUPTING" OR "DESTROYING/ REPLACING" ME in order to make "me" INTO ITSELF." It's invasive, infectuous, parasitic... a contaminant. I DO like omelets, but WHY??? Does that mean I'm NOT actually RED or WHITE? That can't be true, because although I "appreciate" Orange & Yellow AS lovely colors CONCEPTUALLY, the very THOUGHT of CHOOSING them in relation to MYSELF FEELS like "betrayal" and legit makes me sick to my stomach with existential dread. Yellow can be lovely-- daffodils & lemons & swallowtails-- BUT to choose it feels wrong. It feels like I must REWRITE my entire self-concept TO "choose" it "rightly"= OTHERWISE it's that AGONIZING DISSONANCE inside, for as long as that "violation" lasts!! INTERESTINGLY, I'm wondering if my "LIKES" within Yellow ONLY CAN exist AS "likes" because they ECHO something in MY vibe?? And feeling that out, for Yellow, it's the BRIGHTNESS-- the LUMINOSITY, the JOY, the HOPE of its vibrancy. ORANGE is similar; significantly, I DO "slightly" vibe with it, moreso w/ vermilion. PROBABLY BECAUSE IT HAS RED IN IT, YOU DINGBAT! So I can "like" it with less dissonance, BUT STILL, the thought of being ORANGE is still WRONG. As a side note, BROWN is unusual-- since I DO have brown hair/ eyes there IS some affiliation, BUT I can only really feel "right" with PALE NEUTRALS??? NEVER "orange-browns"-- we ALL know the ANCIENT DREAD I get from clay & terracotta-- and never "chocolates," either, for obvious reasons. BUT, our piano has that deep cherry-brown wood and that feels better? And I do like (I think?) certain scents of both literal "soil" and coffee? BUT NOT leather, or mocha, or caramel? I've gotta investigate more. But you can get the essence of what I'm describing. My "neutral" fondness leans red/ GOLD, actually?? I like cream tints, but NOT "light yellow" OR "light pink," even? ONLY "ROSE"? (That's pastel RED!) Honestly my vibe there is basically COSMIC LATTE, which feels ABSOLUTELY RESONANT for the record.
But as this topic is SO complex it CANNOT be fully expounded/ explored here, let's return to the current applicable distress that I am facing w/ food dissonance. Right now, I am not sure HOW to admit that I DO like something "dissonant" WITHOUT mangling my sense of self/ coherent identity?



post-lunch//

POST-LUNCH, THERE HAS BEEN A DISTURBING REVELATION that ironically answers this ↑ question, albeit in an unfortunate way:
APPARENTLY WE ARE SWITCHING MULTIPLE TIMES DURING MEALS, IN ORDER TO PRESERVE "SELF-DISTINCTION," BUT WE NEVER NOTICED THE SUBTLE YET NOTABLE SHIFTS BECAUSE WE'RE ALWAYS SEVERELY DISSOCIATED. The difference today? We noticed we LACKED BASIC DATA for pepper, turkey, AND stuffing, so when we were mindfully trying to observe it (amidst inevitable automatic memory association intrusion), we had the idea to ask, "do I like this?" And the answer was a MESS. Apparently, "NO" IS STILL UNACCEPTABLE. And SOCIALS SEEM TO EXIST VERY MUCH FOR THAT REASON!!! Because when I tried to ACTUALLY "FEEL" MY INTERNAL RESONANCE IN COMPARISON, CHANGING THE UNDEFINED, MUTABLE "I" TO MY NAME, CONCRETE & SPECIFIC-- "does JEWEL like this?" (THIRD PERSON!!! turns it to DATA, NOT MORAL JUDGMENT??)-- the answer WAS NO!!! BECAUSE IT CLASHES WITH MY SELF-VIBE!! BUT THAT'S NOT ALLOWED, NOT SOCIALLY!!! So IMMEDIATELY the mind desperately, appeasingly protests, "but I DO like it"!! AND I FELT "MYSELF" PUSHED OUT AND A SOCIAL STEP IN. And she matched the turkey's vibe, so we COULD eat it. THAT'S WHY we need to "palate cleanse" between foods, WHY we never "taste anything" at first & take ages to finally get input (which is also WHY we save "good foods" for LAST-- when we CAN experience 'em!), AND the REAL reason WHY WE "NEED" TO EAT INGREDIENTS SEPARATELY!!! Literally ALL OF IT TIES BACK INTO THE SURVIVAL MECHANISM OF IRONICALLY "FRACTURING" OURSELF IN ORDER TO SURVIVE AS A "SELF" WITH DISTINCT PURPOSE/ INTEGRITY AMIDST "INCOMPATIBLE" LIFE CONTEXTS!!!!


In light of the previous two pages, AND the social turmoil of the past week, we need to try & journal about our current trauma symptoms.
(1) One VERY talkative, suffering-focused, religious patient KEEPS interacting with us in ways that are EXHAUSTING all our reserves? And we don't know WHY. She keeps GIVING us gifts, with RELIGIOUS overtones, making us feel SO guilty for NOT WANTING GIFTS, and for NOT wanting TO be "religiously esteemed" as we are an UNWORTHY, FOOLISH, HYPOCRITICAL, STRUGGLING SINNER, AND the "pushing" of religion feels wrong; it's SO intimate for me, that other people "STEPPING IN" and IMPOSING THEIR DIRECTIONS on me is legitimately traumatic; it, too, is a spiritual VIOLATION? Of someone taking hold of the DEEPEST part of me, yanking it out and excitedly shouting, "I love Jesus too! Let's chat about it and sing songs!!" But I... I feel ripped open? I can't "chat about" Jesus, as much as I try-- He's TOO close in some sense? I WANT to worship Him, AND to care for His people, BUT bringing "MY" experience/ feelings into ANY religious context feels BLASPHEMOUSLY WRONG. So people handing me pictures of Jesus covered in poetry and WANTING ME TO SOCIALLY RESPOND TO HIM AS A CONVERSATION TOPIC is morally disgusting to me, and it actually made me SO ANGRY? Like I was being trapped, forced to either reject my Savior OR to treat Him irreverently. Either I "saved face" as being "seen as a Christian" BUT betrayed my actual faith, OR I "am not a real Christian" although I'm just trying to KEEP CHRIST SAFELY OUT OF SOCIALIZATION HELLS. So THAT has me wrecked. THE TRUE "ME," WHO IS A CHRISTIAN AND DOES LOVE JESUS, CANNOT EXIST/ FRONT IN AN INTERACTIVE CONTEXT!!!!! I HAVE TRIED. FOR YEARS. BUT IT'S NOT MY JOB and so EVERY TIME-- IN ORDER TO PRESERVE MY UNIQUE EXISTENCE-- I GET SWITCHED OUT FOR A SOCIAL. BUT BECAUSE THEY'RE SOCIAL, THEY ARE EXTERNALLY ANCHORED, AND SO THEY LITERALLY CANNOT BE RELIGIOUS!! Without a sense OF "inner being," YOU CAN'T EVEN PRAY. They are "OF THE WORLD" in order for us to "survive" in it, AND TO PROTECT ALL OUR INNER PEOPLE FROM BEING CORRUPTED/ VIOLATED BY IT AND DYING, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN NORTH CAROLINE WHEN TBAS DRAGGED EVERYONE OUT INTO LETHAL SOCIAL CONTEXTS!!! So yeah, it's NO WONDER why we become SUICIDALLY DEPRESSED when we're consistently FORCED into interactive/ social situations: not only does it require ANNIHILATION of self-integrity, spiritual sincerity, AND safety needs, IT LITERALLY IS KILLING US to stay in those situations.
(2) ↑ The second big problem with this patient: SO MUCH TALK. She traumadumps AND overshares AND seeks constant validation? Like it tragically feels like her admitted lack of self-worth is driving her to almost demand approval/ acclaim? In groups & during trivia, she CONSTANTLY goes off on long, overly personal & detailed tangents, ALWAYS specifically mentioning "achievements" or "praiseworthy" things she has done, seen, OR endured?? AND we RECOGNIZE this, admittedly, with notable frustration, BECAUSE WE CAN & DO SPEAK LIKE THAT WHEN WE'RE SELF-FOCUSED & FIXATED ON OUR SUFFERING, and are SO swallowed up by self-hatred & unworthiness that our ONLY "way out"-- as far as we can see in that state-- is EXTERNAL DELIVERANCE, via reassurances that we're "NOT hateful," "NOT unworthy," that we "HAVE worth," and "HAVE suffered"!!! And she seems to be seeking EXACTLY THAT. But... there's no real room OR opportunity for that? There's NO direct asking, or revelation of motives-- JUST TALK, and constant emphasizing that she IS fighting, she IS trying, "BUT"... she also reiterates that she's "stuck" and "DOESN'T believe" the validation. So what do you do? I feel like an ass saying it but it's utterly exhausting, emotionally & mentally, trying to PROCESS the sheer amount of quickly-spoken, HEAVY personal info, while ALSO striving to figure out, "what does she WANT by telling me this? What does she NEED? And why ME? What does she see/ assume/ want in ME specifically, and CAN I even meet that need-- WITHOUT hurting my own psyche in the effort?" And the fatal problem here is... no, I can't.
(3) I STILL care about her as a human being. I even got her a gift today. BUT I DON'T want her to know it was me. If I can, I'll sneak it onto her desk. But the point is, I DON'T HATE OR DISLIKE HER. I don't want to "avoid" her or make her feel unwanted/ rejected. BUT I'M COLLAPSING UNDER THIS SOCIAL STRESS & "FORCED" INTERACTION to the point where my emotions are TANKING, I'm isolating and SELF-ABUSING and I constantly want to cry or throw up or hide or die. I can't pull my thoughts together. I cry in the showers. I collapse into bed numb, I have nightmares & fitful sleep, I don't want to wake up. ALL of that from the SIMPLE INESCAPABLE, CONTINUAL, IMMEDIATE THREAT SHE (UNKNOWINGLY) POSES TO MY MENTAL/ EMOTIONAL HEALTH & STABILITY. I'm running on empty and I can't refuel because when I sit down at my table to reflect or read or journal or work or anything,
(4) She CAN and DOES come over and SIT RIGHT NEXT TO ME and my brain just SHUTS DOWN FROM FEAR. it's overwhelming instant trauma panic. I told Staff and I assume they told her BUT she did it AGAIN, and in ANY case her preferred seat now is the "bar" table RIGHT NEXT TO ME. So the hypervigilance & "fight or flight" response prep NEVER TURNS OFF NOW. I am burned out. It's getting intolerable, as selfish as that makes me sound. But realistically, that risk of self-mangling compulsive & extensive interaction IS REAL and it IS CONSTANT as long as we're both in this unit. I pray she finds a DIFFERENT PATIENT to talk to & give stuff to & sit next to, because I AM NOT THE RIGHT CHOICE. I CANNOT MEET HER NEEDS, even though I'VE BEEN TRYING TO. It's just wrecking me and it's NOT going to help her, either. So God, please, redirect her to someone better & kinder & friendlier & STABLE! I'm just the awful disaster that God throws at people to help them realize "they deserve better." It's true. It's happened with multiple people and this is just another stitch in the pattern. I'm just not good for anyone. I'm just... not a good person. i try but I fail miserably, because I'm a hypocrite. I'm self-obsessed and stubborn and impatient and proud and inconsiderate and I hate that, I hate ALL of it, God You KNOW I honestly WANT TO BE GOOD but I CAN'T be, not on my own, not without humility & repentance & surrender, not without grace & mercy, not without Jesus. Not without God. I try too damn hard and I don't pray enough. I'm too damn scared and I don't trust enough. I'm too damn blinded by pain and I'm not grateful enough. I'm a miserable excuse for a Christian, if I even count as one. God help me, I'm so sorry I can't help her, either. All I can do is pray. All I WANT to do is pray. Take "me" out of the equation. I don't want to talk, I don't want to perform, I don't want her to look to me or even think about me. I want her to RELY ON GOD ALONE and please, please God help me to do the same.




prismaticbleed: (Default)

TRAP= "People see me AS the E.D. and they EXPECT it; despite this I have my ONLY self-differentiation THROUGH the E.D."


DYNAMIC: CONTROL

MUST:
- eat with chopsticks
- eat small bites
- eat at certain times
- eat in a certain order
etc.

Control WHEN I eat;
Control WHAT I eat;
& HOW MUCH--
"ensure I get ENOUGH to eat?" felt UNLOVED?
+ REJECT if too much/ wrong/ sick/ forced; "NO"

PROSS of continuing:

- "Security"
- Comfortable, predictable
- ORGANIZED; categorized; methodical
- "Know what's next"
- RULES to follow
- "I have enough" feeling
- Childhood power trip
- Don't "have to" suffer from poor food choices/ consequences
- "No one can force me to do/ not to do this"

CONS of continuing:

- SOCIAL ALIENATION; esp. from family
- Inflexibility, rigidity
- Inability to adapt to change & variables
- LACK OF FREE CHOICE
- Ironically NO SELF-CONTROL, give in to all hunger & fear
- E.D. DOES "force me" to be rigid & obsessive
- Food becomes a WEAPON
- Never truly "enough"

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- Set HEALTHY rules
- Use exchange system!
- Learn to TRUST safe people & trust THEIR gentle control
- COOPERATE; never "all or nothing" on either side
- Be more flexible w/ food, but still set schedule & limit options prudently? Portions; NO FORCING!
- Define "enough" NUTRITIONALLY
- MEET PSYCHIC NEEDS W/ CREATIVITY & BEAUTY
- Disarm discomfort; sick ≠ death
- Remember: GOD IS IN CONTROL, so I don't have to be!!
- I CAN control exchanges?


--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: SELF-CONTROL, SELF-CRITICISMS, EXPECTATIONS, ACHIEVEMENT

- FASTING, "CLEAN"
- 100% meal completion despite painful fullness, PUSHING portions, meals presented as PASS/FAIL
- RESTRICTION/ STARVING; "don't deserve to live/ eat"; perfectionistic expectations: clean, pure, proper

PROS of continuing:

- No longer a "wild animal"
- Moral "reassurance"
- Helps alleviate/ ignore feelings of inadequacy, failure, etc. by setting my own (toxic) goals OPPOSING past ones
- "Spare the rod, spoil the child" = "deserving of punishment" for bad deeds/ sins
- "FASTING = HOLY & PURE" but "FOOD= SIN & LUST"; "SAINTS DON'T HAVE TO EAT"; feel closer to God?
- "Can't control" eating so DON'T EAT!! There's NO "SIN" that way!

CONSof continuing:

- Critical focus = sees NO redeeming qualities; causes hopelessness, "UNABLE" to change
- Meals are WAR, not sustenance
- Ignore/ invalidate/ deny intuitive body needs (just like trauma)
- "NEVER GOOD ENOUGH" = will always try to eat LESS; passive suicide; idealized death = "holiness" becomes a matter of VIOLENCE TO SELF, instead of LOVE & MERCY; seeing God's GIFT of food as "BAD"

HEALTHY WAYSto meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- Practice "external" portion control: utilize containers, plate/bowl sizes, store food IN smaller cases
- "Baby step" expectations FOR meeting healthy goals?
- NON-FOOD ACHIEVEMENTS = I can achieve goals UNRELATED to food!
- Accept human frailty; MERCY
- HUMILITY! "I'm human"
- REALISTIC expectations; again, MERCY to self for struggle
- Control VIOLENCE; be KIND
- Criticize GENTLY, to GROW
- Holiness ≠ body shape
- Note little victories of virtue


--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: AUTONOMY & DIFFERENTIATION

- Seeing food/ eating as FUSION/ INVASION; hyperidentifying with associations & contexts
- "I AM NOT LIKE THEM"
- "I CHOOSE what goes into my body"
- "I WILL NOT eat what YOU eat" (trauma)

PROS of continuing:

- Sense of "self"
- Eating behaviors are MARKEDLY different from others, esp. abusers
- "Superhuman?" Hyperseparation; total rejection of similarity = no connection to abuser OR "risk of becoming them"

CONS of continuing:

- "Self" defined by FOOD and/ or BEHAVIORS
- Actual LACK of autonomy; slave to the E.D.
- Ironically FURTHER splitting into E.D. socials & food-anchor nousfoni (lotophagoi)
- "Dehumanized"; rejection of common behavior; so desperate to avoid trauma "bleedover" I end up pushing away more & more of life in fear

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- Learn BOUNDARIES?
- "Me time"; KNOW self (AND LIST QUALITIES OF)
- DISCERN & list differences between me & those we love
- FORGIVE!!! (MERCY)
- Re-associate trigger foods with HEALTHY, NICE people & events
- List all the ways we ARE different from abusers? HONEST FACTS; admit your flaws too and then WORK TO CHANGE
- They are one person; they do NOT have the power to change reality!!

--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: ATTACHMENT & SECURITY

- LACK of it in people; seeking it in FOOD
- "I WILL eat what you eat" (fawning/ codependence); Obsessively overeating "child foods" & "family favorites" / memory associations

PROS of continuing:

- E.D. "always there" to fall back on/ turn to as "reliable"
- Control & predictability gives "security" of routine and prevents "change"
- "Relive" precious, sparse memories of family; feel "connected to" their personalities; "get to know them"

CONS of continuing:

- Unable to change/ flow
- FEAR of the unknown; resistance to recovery
- Food replaces family; perpetual grieving; unwilling/ unable to move on from past; "this is all I have left"

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- RELIGION; GOD LOVES YOU. HE CANNOT CHANGE. THAT'S ULTIMATE SECURITY!
- Accepting that ALL earthly things CAN, DO, & MUST change; practice flow
- Watch old family movies?
- Look at old photos
- MOURN LOSS and TREASURE MEMORY but move forwards!!!
- CONNECT with other family!!!
- Remember: "the world is your ship, not your home"

--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: ISOLATION

- Behaviors could ONLY be totally performed in private
- Shame made me hide AND people withdrew in disgust or distress
- Avoid social eating= avoid social terror & overwhelm

PROS of continuing:

- Controlled environment
- "NON-INVASIVE" opportunity to eat
- Quiet, peace, SAFE
- Don't have to talk or perform

CONS of continuing:

- Derealization
- Increased feelings of "danger/ unsafe" when NOT isolated
- Feel "less than human" as it worsens; "unwanted; rejected"

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- SCHEDULE alone time!
- BALANCE alone time w/ social life
- Regularly spend OUTSIDE time in quiet places?
- Bring earplugs/ earmuffs?
- EXPRESS NEEDS to people

--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: CONFLICT AVOIDANCE

- Sought through isolation/ control
- "Can't decide the RIGHT food" = eat ALL OF IT or EAT NOTHING
- Also applies to "they said I MUST/ MUST NOT eat this"

PROS of continuing:

- Don't have to make divisive/ exclusive choices
- "Unobtrusive"; willing to do "whatever"; "preventing offense"

CONS of continuing:

- "FORCED" feeling AT ALL TIMES
- Perpetual dissonance
- Never able to make OWN choices OR have OWN opinions
- Always afraid of "offending" regardless

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- learn to WALK AWAY
- Be diplomatic
- Avoid combative people?

--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: OPPOSITION & ARGUMENT

- "Rejecting" others w/ food choices? = food decisions WEAPONIZED; starving is ULTIMATE opposition?? UNWILLING to argue verbally

PROS of continuing:

- Restricting/ purging as a way of "rejecting" bad feelings & frustration w/ argumentative situation
- Express drive to "oppose" without fighting or risking verbal altercations

CONS of continuing:

- Unhealthy in general
- Proud & stubborn
- SPITEFUL
- Doesn't accomplish anything

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- LEARN RESPECTFUL ASSERTIVENESS!
- Trauma therapy?
- XANGA SESSIONS??

--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: INDIVIDUALITY, IDENTITY, & SELF-WORTH

- E.D. fueled by LACK OF THESE
- Trying to either FIGURE OUT "own" food likes AS "identity" IN THE LACK OF OTHER MEANS??
- Reject food= invasion to "preserve identity"? / "I'm worthy of food" vs "UNWORTHY to live"

PROS of continuing:

- Form some sense of "identity" based on chosen hyperavoidance of food?
- "I deserve to enjoy things" despite empty life?
- "Discover" preferences?

CONS of continuing:

- E.D. NOTABLY developed to SMOTHER "self" when existence was intolerable
- Perpetuates feelings of unworthiness
- "Self" defined by food

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- "FIND/ REDISCOVER" self by OTHER MEANS: creative works ALLOWED!!!
- LET YOURSELF BE WEIRD
- EXPRESS your uniqueness

--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: MATURATION (BOTH DESIRE AND FEAR)

- Starving/ purging= NEVER GET BIG/ ROUND/ FAT "LIKE A WOMAN"
- Total rejection of sexuality; SAFE FROM SEXUAL ABUSE?

PROS of continuing:

- NO CYCLES
- NO CURVES
- HORMONAL SHUTDOWN
- "Stay prepubescent" in shape
- "Preserve innocence"; "food" = "violation"!!!

CONS of continuing:

- Doesn't erase trauma
- Literally impossible to ACTUALLY reverse puberty
- Constantly terrified of food and ALL weight gain

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- HRT?
- Find NONSEXUAL "female" role models? (EVEN "FICTIONAL")

--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: CAREGIVING (AND AVOIDING CARING FOR SELF)

- "Food = love" social problem
- I MISS COOKING FOR OTHERS and feel like "cooking only for me" is WRONG; avoid OR make TOO much

PROS of continuing:

- Allows for "going through the motions" of "caregiving" behaviors
- Focus on "eating to make other people happy"

CONS of continuing:

- Prevents me from ACTUALLY caring for other people
- "Limiting" definition of "care" to FOOD

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- Find someone TO care for??
- Practice REAL self-care; ACKNOWLEDGE NEEDS

--------------------------------------------------------

DYNAMIC: BEING CARED FOR

- Family used food as reward? Celebrations/ holidays/ esp. Also used BOTH food and lack thereof as PUNISHMENT; deeply confusing

PROS of continuing:

- "I won't burden anyone"
- Feel like I am a "good girl"
- Sense of "I must have done something TO deserve food"
- "Fills void" in the absence of caregivers

CONS of continuing:

- Neglects or "usurps" ACTUAL self-care needs
- "I can do this alone" perpetuation
- Unmet needs STILL LOUD
- denies loneliness

HEALTHY WAYS to meet this need, NOT DENY IT:

- SELFCARE!!
- Go OUT to eat??
- Spend time w/ church "family"
- Spend time w/ mom?? 

--------------------------------------------------------

prismaticbleed: (worried)


post-breakfast//

BONUS OMELET! ♥ They're slowly losing the misapplied anxiety, thank God, but they NEED a solid positive reassociation, which they currently lack. Still, we DID do that for two OTHER foods this morning, using yesterday's powerful League-imagining technique:
+ KAETO loves strawberry PopTarts. They're fast, bright, warm, sweet, uncomplicated, fun, & a little childish-- just like she likes to be. Even their colors (Red & SPRINKLES) are 100% her vibe. With all her running about & impatient streak, they're typically the only breakfast she'll get!
+ NIKEISHA enjoys green tea. In contrast to Kaeto's fire, she-- like a plant-- savors it slowly, mindfully, with its slightly bitter-earth undertone and green glow. I think she sips it as she studies, and/or tends to the greenery I always see filling her living space/ environment?
The taste data for BOTH DIDN'T EVEN REGISTER at first-- I personally had NO positive associations known for either, ONLY negative ones, PLUS the "personal dissonance" ACTUALLY HINDERED INPUT, like two "out of sync" soundwaves cancelling each other out!! BUT!! Once we "intuitively found/ tapped into" LEAGUE resonance, the data LOCKED IN, finally being ABLE to VIA the new, powerfully resonant & SOLID foundations-- which were BOTH POSITIVE AND PERSONALLY UNINVASIVE??? THAT is a FASCINATING & KEY aspect to the League resonance ties: even though they are VASTLY different than my own, they STILL have anchors in MY heart & mind, WITHOUT impinging on the integrity of MY personal/ historical identity-- something Nousfoni often CAN DO, because we SHARE a body/ psyche, therefore making confusion/ overlap tragically inevitable (AND potentially traumatic, as the TBAS days proved). It's such an intriguing distinction-- the League & Spectrum BOTH emanate from MY soul, BUT I don't identify with the League, whereas I DO with the Spectrum. Again, it feels like that distinction is born FROM the "self" association (FROM vs OF??), AND explains WHY INSPACERS ALWAYS SEEM TO CORRUPT!! THAT'S what happened with Justice!!! So yeah this is ANOTHER game-changer; thank You God for guiding us, and revealing this!!
+ Back to breakfast-- we don't "like" sugar, BUT do seem to like the molasses still, despite trauma?? It's still unclear, but we KNOW that personally I don't "like" white sugar. See, THAT'S where the League/ Spectrum differentiation becomes most clear: if an "opinion" or "aspect" contrary to MY OWN is encountered BUT NOT ANCHORED INTO THE LEAGUE, it roots into the SYSTEM AS A POTENTIAL SOCIAL, further "denaturing" our core identity BY "PREVENTING" INDIVIDUALITY IN THE BODY-- "switching" TO "MATCH" EXTERNAL VARIATIONS then becomes the instinctive "norm," a form of "toxic coping" that sees LOSS OF "SELF" as the ONLY way to SURVIVE CONFLICT with the outside world??? BECAUSE WE CANNOT HONESTLY ACCEPT OR EVEN PROPERLY UNDERSTAND "DISLIKE," WITHOUT IMPOSING A MORAL "JUDGMENT" ON INHERENTLY "NEUTRAL" THINGS LIKE FOOD!!! To our psyche, "dislike" should & DOES ONLY APPLY TO SIN. To "dislike" something GOD CREATED based on our own stupid "unique vibe" IS A SIN, as it's a form of SELF-IDOLATRY & REJECTION OF "WHAT IS" ACCORDING TO GOD'S PLAN & WILL!!! So, in our mind, we CANNOT dislike ANYTHING... unless it's a sin. We can dislike a violent movie, but NOT the color yellow, OR the taste of chocolate, WITHOUT "LABELING" THEM AS "BAD" in order to "resolve" the debilitating moral confusion & guilt & panic we get FROM that dislike. Which becomes UNBEARABLE & TRAUMATIC when we THEN STILL HAVE TO EAT THEM-- triggering our "CONTAMINATION PANIC" at the perceived horror of therefore LITERALLY "SWALLOWING SIN" and thus BECOMING SIN-- AND expressing implicit APPROVAL of it THROUGH that ingestion-- that demonic mockery of true communion. THAT'S why we are SO DESPERATE to "LIKE" ALL FOODS, NO EXCEPTIONS, because that is the ONLY way to prevent this moral collapse of a process, one that we are doomed to endure EVERY time we eat, until that ultimate goal is achieved. ONLY THROUGH GRACE, KIDDO, so MAKE SURE YOU PRAY and TRUST GOD instead of vainly relying on your own data/ logic/ efforts/ etc. I'm just human. Without God's grace working in & FOR me, I AM DOOMED TO FAIL, simply because I'M NOT GOD and GOD IS LIFE/ LOVE and I can ONLY have those BY HAVING GOD!! That's actually a JUBILANT HOPE, so hold to it & work ACCORDING to it!! God WANTS to help you, so LET HIM IN TO DO SO.
+ Oatmeal, oddly, for the record, IS out vibe?? Well, MY vibe, which I NEED to distinguish. Yes, we're a System, but the Nousfoni that DO eat (ONLY SOCIALS!!) have DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT & DISTINCT VIBES IN ORDER TO FUNCTION/ SURVIVE, so saying "OUR" is actually invalidating & damaging & rejecting the ACTUAL resonances of BOTH them & myself!!! BUT a fascinating note-- they ALL can "sympathize" WITH the CORE'S "vibe" as like-able, NOT passing the moral judgment? Just like I can with THEIR likes. STILL, their EXCLUSIVE INTEGRITY MUST BE MAINTAINED, because ANY & ALL VIBE DISSONANCE TRIGGERS THE MORAL PANIC by forcing a "paradox" in which two "clashing" resonances are futilely being forced into an impossible attempt at harmony? But honestly it hurts my head to even think about. IT'S A BROKEN SYSTEM. There IS no "moral" nature to foods!!! THAT'S why ALL OF THIS NEEDS TO BE REASSIGNED TO THE LEAGUE, NOT THE SPECTRUM!!!! Otherwise I'll NEVER heal from this disordered mindset & thus I'll KEEP "splitting" into hyperspecialized Socials that not only perpetuate that distorted "either/ or" thinking but BY that, also PREVENT ME FROM EVER REALISTICALLY RE-UNIFYING & RESTORING MY TRUE, HISTORICAL, WHOLE SELF!!! The moral panic might still occur, BUT by utilizing the LEAGUE to ELIMINATE CONDEMNATION, then by God's grace I CAN HEAL. That will never happen via dissociation. Shattering my psyche to "BE OTHER PEOPLE" in order to "survive" the "inescapable" moral panic IS ACTUALLY PERPETUAGINT TRAUMA BEHAVIOR, AND DISRESPECTING/ DENYING GOD'S PLAN & INTENTION FOR ME AS A UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL, WHO WAS MADE TO LIVE FOR GOD, NOT IN IMITATING OTHER PEOPLE!!! And for the record, GOD DOESN'T FRACTURE PSYCHES. Ultimately, to be BRUTALLY honest, the ONLY way the SPECTRUM/ SYSTEM ITSELF CAN SURVIVE is if it JOINS THE LEAGUE and DETACHES ENTIRELY FROM MY SENSE OF SELF. Otherwise, I'll forever be pulled in a million different directions, and I'll NEVER be able to LIVE in EITHER the present moment OR in this body-- MY body, GOD'S GIFT TO ME!!!



prismaticbleed: (worried)

(from two consolidated worksheets)


TIMES OF HIGH RISK

- Being at family house/ dad's house
- Thanksgiving
- Church dinners
- Eating next to/ across from people
- Exposure to noise/ commotion; "no escape"
- Eating when scared or triggered
- Restaurants of ANY kind
- Mental overwhelm/ emptiness
- Hearing radio music
- Trauma flashback days
- Food drives
- Eating with people in general
- When feeling anxious/ scared/ lost
- When angry/ self-abusive urges hit
- Shopping without a list


WARNING SIGNS & COMBATING THEM

1. Buying unusual foods to "force them" (binge/ purge trigger)
CHALLENGE: Food is NOT A SELF-ABUSIVE EXPERIMENT. "Knowing" data for ALL food is UNNECESSARY.
PLAN: Shop according to LIST. Stick to SIMPLE foods. Avoid novelty stores/ sections!

2. Feeling "dirty" or "unclean" (purge trigger)
CHALLENGE: Eating while FEELING sick/ gross DOES NOT turn food into "dirt." It is still nourishment.
PLAN: Take a break to clean up a bit; change clothes, wash face; scrub at skin? Exercise?

3. Mania; "I can eat anything" (binge trigger)
CHALLENGE: "NOT EVERYTHING IS EDIFYING." This is treating food as "ACHIEVEMENT" & "RISK TAKING," not AS FOOD!
PLAN: AVOID novelty/ impulse buys // NEVER shop when manic // CALM THE HECK DOWN

4. Hyperfasting for church (restriction trigger)
CHALLENGE: God ALSO made the BODY, and HE lived in one too! So take care of yours. GOD INVENTED FOOD!
PLAN: Eat something TINY right after Mass? Cap fasts at 12 hours maximum? Talk to a priest about it

5. "Hypersocializing"; "people-pleasing"; chatting (binge triggers)
CHALLENGE: Burning myself out/ ignoring my OWN quiet predisposition triggers dissociation & bingeing to "cope"
PLAN: Take time out to breathe & recenter when in public; limit exposure to crowds & noise

6. Feeling hollow, self-loathing, hopeless (restriction OR binge trigger)
CHALLENGE: "This too shall pass"; God loves you & made you WITH worth & purpose, and He WILL help you. HE is your eternal hope!
Expose self to IMMEDIATE positive non-food things, like a game/ movie/ book/ music? READ hopeful reminders

7. Going all day without eating; may not HAVE food (restriction trigger)
CHALLENGE: TRUE fasting DOESN'T reject eating altogether!! Emptying your house of food WON'T make you "safe!" Plan ahead for busy days & travel!
PLAN: PACK tiny snacks on road. Don't feel "obligated" to eat big meals. ALWAYS keep some nonperishables in house/ bag/ car!

8. "I don't need to eat; I feel fine/ happy" "Eating is exhausting" (Restriction trigger)
CHALLENGE: NOT eating WILL quickly MAKE you feel SICK/ SAD/ CONFUSED/ ANGRY. Your body NEEDS food to FUEL your creative thoughts!!
PLAN: PRE-PREP clean, TINY bits of food to nibble on while working WITHOUT it feeling like a "meal" and breaking mental context!!


DEALING WITH SETBACKS

Lapse behavior = OVEREATING
What led to it = "Compulsive" big portions, "must eat ALL of it"; emotion smothering/ numbing/ outlet
What can I do differently next time = Learn to LEAVE LEFTOVERS; it's OK for things to "not be finished NOW"! Get SMALL plates & bowls! Calm yourself/ express stress BEFORE prep, eating, OR shopping!!
How do I get back on track after = TAKE PREVENTATIVE ACTION!! Wear a mask in the kitchen; prep small MEASURED amounts; ONLY eat at the dinner table; DON'T PUSH FOOD IF YOU'RE FULL-- WAIT!!


Lapse behavior = PURGING
What led to it = Eating "too much," "in the wrong order," "bad/ evil food," "poison," or "with trauma"
What can I do differently next time = Food isn't evil or bad. You CAN'T "eat trauma." There is no objectively "right order" to eat foods-- be wise with prep, but don't panic-- you WON'T DIE. If you get indigestion, CARRY THAT CROSS & try different next time!
How do I get back on track after = Clean up, REHYDRATE, and then EAT A SMALL HEALTHY SNACK to stabilize your glucose. Get some sleep; try again.


Lapse behavior = HYPERFASTING
What led to it = Feeling "dirty"/ "sinful" from fullness and/or food weight
What can I do differently next time = KAVOD? Think: "FULL of Grace"! God WANTS you to eat, too! Fasting is ONLY proper IN TANDEM with FEASTING-- God lovingly mandates BOTH in Scripture! Keep your SOUL pure BY CONFESSION. Rest in God.
How do I get back on track after = SLOWLY refuel. Pace several nibbles over a few hours; GET ENOUGH CALORIES but DO NOT make a "full meal" or bowl/ plate!!


Lapse behavior = CALORIE RESTRICTION
What led to it = Terror of "getting fat" / "becoming gluttonous (again)"
What can I do differently next time = Calories are ENERGY, not "heaviness"! Reduce volume if needed, have more little meals, use little plates/ bowls & DON'T OVERPREP. Always pray for temperance. KEEP HOLY REMINDERS in dining area!
How do I get back on track after = GENTLY increase calories with LOW VOLUME options. Exercise, but temperately! Remember, your body's BMR is ESSENTIAL!!


Lapse behavior = FASTING 12-24 HOURS
What led to it = Hyperreligious. Want to escape body; tired of physicality
What can I do differently next time = List & review POSITIVE Scripture verses about food & eating; there are many! Eat REGULAR meals, EVEN a modified "tiny & often" schedule?
How do I get back on track after = EAT SOMETHING SMALL & CONTROLLED. Bring a snack to church for afterwards? Have TINY, SAFE snacks ready to eat!


Lapse behavior = "FORCING FEAR FOOD" BINGE
What led to it = "Challenge/ appease" addiction; "prove I can survive"?
What can I do differently next time = Only try ONE fear food at a time, & NOT THE WHOLE THING AT ONCE to "eliminate it." Stop trying to impress/ appease people with FOOD!
How do I get back on track after = EAT FEAR FOODS IN COMPANY?? DON'T KEEP IN HOUSE!! Get comfortable with NOT KNOWING (fear of helplessness)!!


Lapse behavior = RAGE/ FEAR PURGE
What led to it = Feeling DIRTY, triggered, poisoned, VIOLATED, WRONG
What can I do differently next time = If possible, DON'T EAT IF TRIGGERED! STAY AWAY FROM FOOD WHEN UPSET. Use DBT/ CBT skills ASAP. Positively DISTRACT SELF!
How do I get back on track after = CALM DOWN, get somewhere safe, then eat something SMALL, CLEAN, & LIGHT? Keep practicing coping skills/ tools.


Lapse behavior = DISSOCIATIVE "NUMB" BINGE
What led to it = Trauma overwhelm; trying to bury emotions & "smother" reality
What can I do differently next time = Ride out the dissociation SAFELY; put on Spotify; sit with eyes closed? GROUNDING! Document/ record ALL steps of meals to STAY PRESENT
How do I get back on track after = Rest & pull yourself together. Have SET MEALS for when you can't think straight. STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN until then!



prismaticbleed: (Default)


post-breakfast//

The ONLY thing I'm still scared of is the BANANA. There's more disturbance associated with them than I realized.
+ We still love eggs (1 s&p work nicely), but they're BEST eaten W/O UTENSILS! They don't make a mess that way. Pick 'em up & bite 'em! (They're a nice shape)
+ We legit enjoy these muffins now. Still crumbly though; PICK THEM UP TOO-- utensils just crush the poor things. We still "eat the top" first which MAY be the cause of our "how do I hold it" problem (like the "circling" burgers). Try eating it in a straight line like an average joe; In any case it's a little exercise in obedient self-mortification, which ALWAYS bears good fruit. ♥ Similarly, we WAITED until the last bite to put the butter on it, so we'd get it all at once. But THAT is abnormal, too! Practice properly spreading the butter on BEFORE you start biting into it.
+ WE LIKE COFFEE. We added 2 creamers only to 120mL and it was SO NICE. That bitter-brown undertone IS enjoyable. Sweet pushes RUIN that!
+ The vanilla chai tea is BEST PLAIN! It tastes vaguely like Christmas?? We'll need to experience it more deeply to find out-- this morning we were distractive anxiety over "needing to add milk/ creamer" to the rest. On that note, adding ONLY soymilk triggers the Borders memories!! FURTHER adding creamer BREAKS that COMPLETELY. There WAS a resulting & TOTALLY UNEXPECTED "flash" to AIRPORT STARBUCKS?? But that could be false, as we would base THOSE on "London fog"-- BUT then add cinnamon, nutmeg, AND vanilla powder!! So that's a fascinating regained historical awareness!
+ WE LIKED THE RAISIN BRAN!!! Yet another concept-only fear food redeemed!! Raisins are safe now, so that's half the battle, but we did NOT expect the bran to be SO POSITIVE! Apparently their core association is with MOM'S BRAN MUFFINS, which are PURELY POSITIVE, and also have raisins in them!! So thank you Mom, for unknowingly healing this ancient fear food through your gracious, generous, unfailing & always-sweet motherly love. ♥ And muffins!
+ We have GOT to heal bananas, but that can ONLY happen in earnest BY giving them a POSITIVE (EDIFYING!) RE-ASSOCIATION!! The only starting concept we have is identical to the applesauce: being so sweet, gentle, & soft already, bananas are IDEAL for baby food AND the elderly! So that humble communion can be a KEY anchor to further healing; without such humble softness & openness of mind & heart, we CANNOT heal!! And the literal physicality of a banana is a tangible, experiential reminder of that. Medical fears-- like "allergies," "GI/GL spikes" & "binding foods" have been PROVEN INAPPLICABLE to our treatment experience here, AND can be safely/ prudently/ easily/ fearlessly managed & tested otherwise. That lingering low-key but insistent banana anxiety IS "harm-based"; the fear is expecting injury/ damage, but WHERE? The body or the soul? Either way, they're BOTH IMPOSSIBLE!! Mark 7:15-23 AGAIN. Foods CANNOT affect your soul, because JESUS SAID SO; THAT is true no matter what the "new age" movement insists. Similarly, you won't "die" if you get a sugar rush, or a little gastric discomfort. GOD MADE YOUR BODY, AND HE MADE IT WORK; a tiny incident like that is easily "recovered from." PLUS, there is NO NEED to fear ANY bodily pains or discomforts; those DO count as "SUFFERINGS" that CAN be patiently & faithfully united TO THE SUFFERINGS OF CHRIST for the forgiveness of sins & conversion of sinners!! DON'T EVER FORSAKE SUCH A BLESSING!!! But in conclusion, let me ALSO repeat: no matter WHAT sinful things you've experienced in association w/ bananas, ALL SINS CAN & WILL BE WASHED AWAY BY CHRIST IF WE GIVE THEM TO HIM! So do that! GOD CREATED BANANAS, you know, so regardless of the devil's lies, the Creation is STILL GOD'S. ♥



post-lunch//

We had TWO juices-- OJ and grape-- and BOTH are safe/ positive!! OJ does have very slight residual "unease" but it feels attached to childhood in general, & our fear/ dread of SUMMERTIME STRESS bleeding over in context. But by itself, it's totally okay.
+ ITALIAN DRESSING... ISN'T SCARY! Again!! It's actually VIVIDLY associated with-- again!-- CHURCH BASEMENT DINNERS, the VFW, and I actually thing COLARUSSO'S?? Which is uncanny because Mom was JUST reminding me that our family used to have an ENTIRE dinner there on weekends, not just pizza-- they'd have antipasto & everything! And the memory EXISTS in tangible truth-- it simply needed that revival! AND, now that such a context IS accessible, we can FIND the memories that FIT there! I can even actually "walk around" the restaurant IN that memory now that I CAN enter it!! THIS is why it's SO IMPORTANT for us to get gutsy and FINALLY watch those family movies & study the photo albums-- and I MEAN "STUDY"!! Not just looking! We need to FEEL those photos IN ourself, and TRY to "enter" their times & places, to see what is restored, remembered, re-awakened, realized, etc. ALL our senses MUST be involved in this process of self-recovery; we're doing taste here, visuals at home, and sound (music) anywhere-- that stuff is POWERFUL for us; it's like a time machine-- the only two unpredictable ones are touch & smell, BUT those are highly specific and limited in their "exposure range." Still, we CAN "remember" a surprising amount of scents with equally surprising intensity. Touch is almost ABSENT from memory in comparison; I don't even know what a "touch memory" WOULD look like. So it's an interesting, exciting thought, the idea of investigating that-- it would be HUGE in combating depersonalization/ dissociation FROM our past AND present self, caused by DETACHING from touch input! It's something we really do have to pay more grateful attention to, with temperance!!
+ We are LEARNING to like pizza, haha! Our newfound appreciation for both bread & tomato sauce (that STILL floors me; glory be to God) helps a lot, obviously, but ironically, we're struggling with the CHEESE? First, though, let me honestly note that there is pepper in the sauce, which affects the vibe-- not sure how yet? But it seems to "ground" things directionally, & mute color saturation?? We'll see-- and I think it counts more as tomato PASTE? It's a notable darker/ less saturated Red in BOTH appearance AND vibe! So it's a little "dissonant" but not bad. BUT! The "bread" of pizza dough AND the "flour" of pasta TASTE/ VIBE DIFFERENTLY (darker/ lighter) and THAT matches the tomato differences!! It really is art. Nevertheless, on to the cheese. THAT triggers the S&V binge-trauma VERY loudly?? Which is distressing. It does NOT taste like our personal experience memories of pizza-- the closest vibe is childhood bowling alley pizza parties, and those were HISTORICALLY anxiety-riddled, as we were always just "an extra, unwanted face" amidst all our brothers' classmates, surrounded by noise & social pushing to "play," feeling totally rejected, powerless, and inept. And there was pizza. We're not sure HOW to heal those memories yet, but since we've identified them now we can work at it! Same with the recent disturbances. We NEED positive reassociation, I must emphasize. To conclude, though, I have one beautiful thing: when eating the pizza, we ate it WHOLE and in ONE DIRECTION!!! ♥ But while we were chewing the sweet, red-tinged bread, we took a sip of grape juice... and we thought of Jesus. It tasted exactly like our post-Church childhood memories of pizza & wine/ grape juice, and all His blessings... remembrance of Him. ♥ Thank You, Lord.
The SALAD, though, taught us our BIGGEST lesson. Like last time, it had two big "banana pepper" slices on top, which are EXPLICITLY a trauma trigger. Having to eat them anyway, but not wanting to be slammed by those memories & anxiety, we instinctively searched our psyche for a POSITIVE focus/ association, and when we found nothing... we IMAGINED ONE??? We thought, "yes, these are scary for us, because they were a scary person's favorite food-- BUT! THEY AREN'T the only people in the world who DO like them!!" And we imagined, a priest, who loved their sour bite, reminding him of his Italian family's cooking AND of Christ's Passion, and that one of his elderly parishioners always bought him a jar and left it on the rectory porch with a little note of well-wishes. Just... the POSSIBILITY of such a POSITIVE person/ preference/ association existing TOTALLY OVERRODE THE TRAUMA TIE with its pure affectionate human joy!! BUT you know what the REAL GAME-CHANGER was??
THOSE POSITIVE RE-ASSOCIATION IMAGININGS CAN BE MADE REAL... IN THE LEAGUE!!
THAT GIVES US SO MUCH SOLID, TANGIBLE HOPE. It WORKS and its ACHIEVABLE and we can do it ANYTIME. It literally changes everything. Oh thank You God!! It feels like we can breathe for the first time in years; it's like heavy chains have just fallen, broken, from our arms at last. There's freedom, or at least the intimately close hope and promise of it, with this now. BUT don't forget, we CAN, SHOULD, and arguably MUST STILL CREATE POSITIVE PHYSICAL/ EXTERNAL REASSOCIATIONS, TOO-- because THOSE are the ones tied to SENSORY INPUT-- these League ones are INTERNAL, and are tied to MENTAL ASSOCIATIONS as a RESULT of sensory input occurring in a traumatic PHYSIOLOGICAL environment!! BOTH INSIDE & OUTSIDE were involved in the traumatic associations; therefore, BOTH must ALSO be involved in the HEALTHY, POSITIVE RE-ASSOCIATION AND PROCESSING!!
So yes. Here, with hyperlimited physical options-- AND arguably ALSO chronic risks of FURTHER negative associations via bad/ trauma-triggering music, anxiety attacks, trivia overwhelm, unit noise scares, etc.-- we MUST constantly & consciously utilize INTERNAL re-association, ideally when in a SAFE environment (quiet, no threats of overwhelm), and with a calm mind!! BUT when we get home, THEN we can do more concrete work through healthy control of the contexts IN WHICH we revisit those "hurt" foods, to heal them on the OUTSIDE. But that's the future! Plan for it prudently, but don't obsess or overthink-- the future CANNOT be rigidly planned for. Jesus TOLD us "not to worry about tomorrow," so DON'T. The BEST prep/ "planning" we can do is DOING WHAT WE CAN TODAY, FOR TODAY, because one day the future will BE today!! Trust in God, be patient, and ACCORDING TO OUR CURRENT STATE IN LIFE, just do your best to please God in all you do. SOLI DEO GLORIA! THAT is always, ALWAYS our motivation AND our goal. Our healing is meant for HIM-- and it CAN ONLY HAPPEN THROUGH HIM AND BY HIM!! So PRAY, then listen, then obey. THAT is the foolproof, guaranteed path to recovery.

prismaticbleed: (Default)


post-breakfast//

Breakfast = cheese omelet, apple cinnamon muffin w/ butter, an ORANGE, soymilk, cinnamon tea, coffee, & 3 creamers.

+ Oranges are ONLY SCARY IN THAT THEY'RE SUPER MESSY and MUST be directly eaten WITH MESSY HANDS! There is no clean way to peel or cut OR eat an orange, haha. The juice gets EVERYWHERE. And that utter humiliation, that "piggish ineptitude" and dirtiness and mess, is SO, SO DIFFICULT for us to endure; the shame is crushing. Our only hope is in the incredible fact that the taste and association of oranges is PURELY POSITIVE & TIED TO CHILDHOOD SUMMERS!! And us, God bless us, a fiery little spark of a kid, were UNFAZED by the experience of tearing apart a fresh bright orange, gleefully biting right into that vivid color, the juice not seen as mess but of its vitality overflowing in joy. In a prayer for true humility & gratitude & acceptance, we anchored ourself INTO that memory AND state of self, and God carried us through. The whole experience was a wondrous, essential exercise in UNITING our REAL historical past, and our pure child-self, with our PRESENT self, to be HEALED & WHOLE!
A chastisement: DON'T EAT THE PEEL!! An orange isn't an apple! Biting RIGHT into it is a REJECTION of its INHERENT sectioned structure; by NOT peeling & dividing it AS IT IS SPECIALLY MADE TO ALLOW, you DENY its uniquely PROPER form and IMPOSE YOUR OWN IDEA that OPPOSES REALITY!!! Plus, orange oil DOES leave a very bitter, lingering taste/ irritation, probably because you SHOULDN'T BE EATING IT, honestly!
+ The muffin WAS A JOY, shockingly NOT scary at ALL! Even the scent was enjoyable! So whatever "anxiety" we had last week wasn't even applicable anymore today! Thanks be to God! We also had that blessing of butter to add to it today, which instantly reminded us of home, and freshly baked/ buttered ones.
+ I CANNOT GET OVER HOW GOOD THE CINNAMON TEA IS EVEN PLAIN! It's definitely our favorite. And it tastes RED! Get some for home!
+ We're still on the fence about coffee. We treasure its concept & associations & scent, BUT the taste is split-- we like the subtle bitter tone but something about it also doesn't vibe. We'll need to try again tomorrow. Still, sipping it WAS enjoyable. BTW we only took HALF a cup, then after sipping half of that, we filled the rest with soymilk. Weirdly that taste data didn't register? Probably nerves; we were anxious over "is it 'proper' or wise/ prudent to drink it WITH the muffin, or straight?" So we did both but neither registered, unsurprisingly. "Double-mindedness" is IMPURE MOTIVATION and Scripture STRONGLY warns against it! So please, PRAY and then CHOOSE. No vacillating, no fear of commitment, no perfectionism!!! TRUST THE SPIRIT!
+ The cheese omelet did trigger some significant initial anxiety, as the "kneejerk" VISUAL association is still the August binge-hell, and the Pokemon SV "Tumblr corruption" nighttime obsessiveness. Just bad vibes. BUT we can get over that. God can heal us. God alone can remove those associations and fears, and free our heart from that dread and choking regret. We DID get a preview of that hope today, because as I said, that anxiety is VISUAL-- once we taste it, it's CHILDHOOD. And we do enjoy the taste, genuinely. It has inherent salt! You can't taste the distinct yolk, but the whites are clearly detectable in the airiness. I think there might be butter in it too? Either way, the texture is so nice, and we're beginning to like that orange cheese too; it's nicer when softened by the heat & moisture of the omelet. It'll be pure joy soon enough, I'm sure. Pray for that & wait for Sunday morning!! ♥



post-group//

The art lady just said: "NOTHING IS EVER JUST ONE TONE." The light spectrum ITSELF is unitive, inherently plural in tone & harmony-- WHITE LIGHT ITSELF CONTAINS EVERY HUE IN UNITED PERFECTION!! But in OUR Spectrum, we've been forcing monochromaticism, DESPITE EVERYONE HAVING A "COMPLEMENT" IN THEIR OWN SCHEME!!! The OBVIOUS signs of this phenomenon are ANCIENT, too-- Julie NEVER had matching eyes/ hair UNTIL she moved into PINK, and EVEN THEN she kept (AND keeps!!) resonating hard with YELLOW! Laurie is INTRINSICALLY paired with RED; Razor has ALWAYS heavily carried BLACK; even the CORES have FOREVER been RED PLUS WHITE/BLACK. The examples of this phenomenon being ACTUAL BUT OVERLOOKED/ UNACKNOWLEDGED are STAGGERING and EXPLAINS WHY SO MANY "UNSURE"-HUED NOUSFONI GET MORE UNSTABLE BY TRYING TO BE MONOCHROMATIC!!! We have GOT to make an EXTENSIVE list, ASAP-- this could be the KEY to FINALLY getting the Spectrum in a NEW & PROPER working ORDER!!



post-lunch//

Ziti/ sauce/ breaded chicken/ cheese/ parmesan/ dinner roll/ butter/ grape juice/ vanilla ice cream/ tea.

+ I am SHOCKED at how genuinely enjoyable the ziti AND tomato sauce both are, especially with the parmesan (and salt & pepper, too)! Honestly, two weeks ago, ALL THREE of those ingredients TERRIFIED us. Now we're saying extra prayers of gratitude when it's on our plate! THAT'S THE WORK OF GOD. He still does miraculous healings, and we're the blessed proof, unworthy though we are. He's lifting us out of the hell of the eating disorder, ever more day by day, hour by hour even. It's so wonderful. God, thank You for the gift of hope, and for this new life, living FOR YOU. Please preserve & protect us. Please give us grace, patience, absolute trust in You, and a humble heart. Help us to heal ever more deeply.
+ The chicken parm tasted like family dinners, & was lovely. Don't even nibble the breading off separately! (We didn't "stack" the cheese either!)
+ Dinner roll & butter still perfect. Grape juice is ENJOYABLE now! Oh-- today we really paid attention & it tastes like the PEEL, too, not just the clear juice-- an obvious visual fact we still never considered! Fully tasting that & tapping memory, we found... the CHILDHOOD GARDEN GRAPES!! ♥
+ The vanilla ice cream has such an interesting & nice texture! It's not "icy" like the store-tub ones, or hard. It's nice, gently sweet and melting around the edges without getting watery. We're learning to both like and appreciate desserts, now-- and rightfully so, because remember the raisins in the OT? "Go, eat rich foods & drink sweet drinks," to rejoice in the LORD and on His holy days? He INVENTED sweetness-- or perhaps more accurately, the tangible phenomenon OF sweetness only exists because it EMANATES from Him, the SOURCE of all we consider sweet, AND the ultimate destination/ fulfillment of it. So give thanks for the desserts HE gives you! Enjoy their sweetness and let it lead you closer to Him! ♥ That is our goal with ALL our meals-- "do ALL things for the glory of God!!"



post-dinner//

grilled cheese, potato wedges w/ rosemary, ketchup, salt & pepper, peaches, & a VANILLA SHAKE 'EM UP!

+ Well, we tried again, but grilled cheese does NOT go with ketchup!! It's WAY too acidic. Now we know. Other than that misjudgment, the sandwich was a joy. It will forever make us think of grandma. ♥ Just remember-- that cheese is on THICK and the crust is CHEWY so give it time, take SMALL BITES, and DON'T RUSH!! Relax and gratefully enjoy the gift of it.
+ The potatoes are cooked in a way that preserves their moisture so they're soft and NOT STARCHY, just dense. It's SO NICE. They're perfect with just s&p, but we can't remember ketchup combo data again, probably due to anxiety over its loud vinegar bite jarring with the cheese earlier. Ah well. We'll get another shot. Still, without it, they were lovely, and yet another dear reminder of grandma.
+ Speaking of grandma... today we got PEACHES, the exact kind Cioci Ann used to buy for her in the glass bottles. Honestly, realizing that is making our heart ache in the best way. It feels like she's smiling down on us in a special way today. I love you too, grandma! ♥ For the record, peaches are "scary in concept" (TBAS) but not in experience! Canned ones have the COOLEST TEXTURE. Fresh ones do too!
+ THAT SHAKE 'EM UP HAD 31 GRAMS OF SUGAR but we said "OBEDIENCE UNTO DEATH," poured half into our tea and CHUGGED it. Courage! No time for anxiety! So that worked. We did taste about ⅓ plain and it's unusual! It's more watery than a milkshake, leans blue not yellow, but doesn't taste like the other sweet dairy because it's mostly MILK PROTEIN. So it has a slight "whey powder" flavor to it. It's not bad, but it's not something we'd pick out, as it were. It is at is is. But we WANT to be sincerely grateful for it, so next time it's an our tray we WON'T chug it, haha. We'll trust God's judgment & protection, and really experience it AS a gift. By the way-- that fear of sugar in general? Remember that WE DIDN'T GET A "SUGAR RUSH" AFTER DRINKING IT! God is good!! The protein & fat probably acted as a buffer. See? God takes care of you! So don't be afraid. "Shake OFF" your fears, and rejoice in His sweetness and strength together!!



post-snack//

Our usual Cheddar/ Salsa Sun Chip duo. For the record-- we have made SO MUCH PROGRESS here already. We eat them OUT OF THE BAG, not ripping it. We eat them WITH OUR HANDS, not a spoon. We eat them AS WHOLE CHIPS, not biting into them or crumbling them up. We DON'T OBSESS OVER CRUMBS, leaving the inevitable residue in the bag instead of trying to eat every fragment. AND... we AREN'T AFRAID OF GETTING THE CRUMBS & POWDERED CHEESE ON OUR HANDS!!! Yes it's inconvenient & uncomfortable, BUT now we can shrug it off and just... clean our hands afterwards. No guilt or shame meltdowns, just normal innocent "mess" & cleanup. It's as simple as that. But THAT is a LEGIT MIRACLE. And oh we PRAYED SO HARD for this. Oh thank You, our Good and gracious, incomprehensibly merciful and loving God!! Without You we could NEVER heal, OR be clean... but Your Son has washed us in His Blood, and now... we are free to love & worship Him, IN THIS. ♥

 


prismaticbleed: (worried)


post-breakfast//

We were hopeful & brave this morning & emulated a DINER BREAKFAST. We had COFFEE, we put KETCHUP on the eggs, AND we put SYRUP on the French Toast-- and ONLY cut it into 8 pieces! We ate like an AVERAGE JOE and it was actually really nice! Being so determined to "eat in a way that allows/ facilitates common community" made it EASIER to forgive ourselves for the (unfortunately) "inevitable" humiliations of spilling salt (don't be superstitious!!) & pepper (packets do tear), and getting ketchup & syrup on our hands (STILL a HUGE trauma trigger, BUT--) because including OURSELF in the "everyday person" group, NOT some "reject/ unusual outsider/ outlier" meant we COULDN'T hold ourself to a spotless, impeccable, pristine, undefiled, immaculate, "GOOD" but superhuman standard. We THOUGHT that perfectionism would "make us holy" by protecting/ insulating us from DIRT/ FILTH/ IMPURITY/ CONTAMINATION/ POISON, both physically & spiritually, BUT it ultimately just promoted antisocial behavior, fueled our OCD fears, and stoked the fatal fire of PRIDE. Our "separation" from "the unclean/ immoral" was a Pharisaical false ideal, utterly merciless, callous, and INHERENTLY ANTI-CHRISTIAN!!! So it MUST STOP. The only problem is that, especially with today's DIRECT experience of it, such a "slackening of standards" is felt & perceived as MORAL LAXITY, as "giving in to sin" and "boorish sloveliness." Even though we WANT to be a part of the community, our darned pride has us SCARED of "MORAL CONTAMINATION" if we associate with people who, "God forbid," watch sitcoms or read Harry Potter or admire celebrities or listen to Top 40 or who aren't afraid to spill pancake syrup on their shirt because "I'll just wash it later." They don't seem to even FATHOM the "possible threat to their integrity & purity" BY that syrup escaping its proper context, and BY that "distortion of definition"-- food ONLY exists AS food when in the PROPER context of container or containment-- it is horribly & instantly malformed, becoming DIRT, filth, mess, SIN. Syrup on your shirt means YOU destroyed its proper purpose-- YOU removed it from orderly function and CORRUPTED its very nature! YOUR STICKY SHIRT IS A PROOF OF YOUR DEPRAVITY; IT IS A PREVIEW OF HELL, WHERE ALL IS UNCLEAN!!!! So you see even further our ridiculous hypocrisy. Just like those pitiable Pharisees, we are SO afraid to admit OUR even acknowledge our OBJECTIVE sinfulness, because WE DON'T HAVE ANY HOPE OF MERCY. And that is BOTH FATAL AND UNTRUE. Christ IS Truth, and He IS MERCY!!! Yet... we are SO SCARED of the appalling DEPTH of our depravity that admitting it FEELS LIKE DAMNATION-- we are hopelessly FILTHY. We forget the Cross, the sign of salvation from the WORST of sins, provided we ADMIT & BRING & SHOW them to Christ Crucified, Who ALONE can wash us clean and TRULY PURIFY us, OVER & OVER FOREVER, through the FOUND OF MERCY of HIS PIERCED HEART, the most blessed & beautiful & PURE spring of BLOOD & WATER that flows ETERNALLY and ABUNDANTLY. Jesus doesn't care if you spill the entire bottle of syrup over yourself; GO TO HIM LIKE THAT, SHAMED & CONTRITE BUT TRUSTING IN HIS MERCY WITH ALL HOPE, and HE WILL WASH YOU COMPLETELY CLEAN!! THAT'S why He ate with sinners, with filthy gross unclean shameful prostitutes & gluttons like ourselves. He CAN & WILL HEAL THEM AND US, if His Mercy is met with hope & repentance!! And we ARE sorry, UNBEARABLY sorry, but we need HOPE. God CAN clean up even our dirt. And once we trust that, we need not despair at "inevitable ACCIDENTAL spills" anymore.
This is like the ROOT of ALL our problems here in a real sense, AND it's the STRONGEST ROOT of trauma consequence, the biggest obstacle preventing us from even LOOKING at it, let alone admitting it or coping with it. We're so terrified of the "contamination" being both SO thorough and SO heavily imposed that it is INDELIBLE, UNHEALABLE. We foolishly overestimate sin's power, but oh thank GOD to at least subconsciously know that GOD IS SOVEREIGN, EVEN OVER TRAUMA, and no matter WHAT the devil does, OR how brutally and horrifically the demons may damage you and others, THEY HAVE ALREADY LOST. Their efforts are DOOMED TO FUTILITY. Listen, sincerely-- GOD IS LOVE, LIFE, & TRUTH. Literally ANYTHING & EVERYTHING that harms/ hinders life, rejects/ distorts truth, AND/OR abuses love in ANY WAY, is OBJECTIVELY IMPERMANENT and CANNOT last forever-- unless, through free will alone, we CHOOSE to hold onto it INSTEAD of the ultimate reality of GOD-- Who IS mercy & forgiveness & peace & purity & healing & hope! THAT IS WHAT'S REAL. Yes, trauma DID happen, but it's inherently transitory BECAUSE IT'S NOT OF GOD!! So please, anchor that truth DEEP in your heart, and cling to the Cross, and even in the deepest misery you WILL find refuge & consolation & forgiveness & restoration. GOD LOVES YOU.
But... even then, my biggest fear seems to be my free will, the ONLY stamped ticket to hell. AM I choosing TO be filthy & impure, BY "relaxing" my moral standards around food?? The Holy Spirit is firmly, insistently saying "NO" in my heart. MARK 7:15-23 sums it up. AND ACTS 11:7-9!!! Literally NO food OR secular exposure can corrupt my soul-- ONLY if I CHOOSE to be wicked, licentious, covetous, deceptive, foolish, greedy, conniving, judgmental, bitter, ARROGANT, or any other sinful thing! NOTHING OUTSIDE CAN MAKE ME CHOOSE THOSE SINS. That means that ALL apparently non-sinful contexts ARE "SAFE" to an extent? Of course I MUST avoid ALL occasions AND temptations TO sin, BUT I CANNOT condemn external things FOR my sin-- ONLY my OWN moral weakness, ignorance, and confusion. Getting ketchup on my hands WON'T sent me to hell, and such "messiness" IS NOT an "external proof" of internal "corruption"; THAT'S YOUR GUILTY CONSCIENCE talking!!!
Honestly, I'm not actually afraid to eat with OR associate with other people. If I shared breakfast with someone and they dropped their whole plate on their lap, I'd HELP them clean up and REASSURE them it was okay and "NOT a problem" and I DIDN'T "think poorly of them" and I wouldn't care if I got my hands dirty, BECAUSE IT WOULD BE FROM CHARITY!!! The ONLY things I'm afraid of is my OWN "purity" being destroyed-- ALREADY a proud assumption-- BUT this example seems to suggest that, paradoxically, OTHER PEOPLE ARE PURE AND INCORRUPTIBLE??? Like even on the previous page, ALL my "contamination fears" spring from AN ALREADY 'CONTAMINATED" SELF; we were the ONLY one CAPABLE of doing the damnable things-- SEEING others "be normal/ lax in behavior" DIDN'T DAMN THEM, but was a TEMPTATION TO SIN IN OURSELVES, because if WE did those things, it WOULD REQUIRE BETRAYING OUR OWN MORAL STANDARDS, even by accident. It's hell. If I spill the syrup it's a REVELATION of my moral hypocrisy & sinful nature/ past, an uncovering of shame, a death sentence to a criminal now damned by solid evidence. I FEAR seeing others spill it because it REMINDS me of what I'm terrified of, BUT I would NEVER impute actual guilt to them. I am the sinful one. They ONLY spilled it BECAUSE of me and MY overwhelming guilt. Like, I'd IMMEDIATELY think, "oh no, now they're suffering the guilt of MY sin because I didn't confess it (properly)/ repent (truly)/ admit my own wretchedness!" And I PANIC, TERRIFIED, like the syrup itself is the guillotine looming. It's STILL EGOCENTRIC ARROGANCE!!! The CHRISTIAN thing to do would be to FORGET about myself COMPLETELY, and serve that person's needs with COMPASSION-- gentleness, consideration, mercy, kindness, patience, SELFLESS SERVICE & ATTENTIVE CONCERN!!! But you CANNOT do ANYTHING virtuous with SUCH A TORTUROUSLY GUILTY CONSCIENCE. The only hope of release is to GO TO CONFESSION, and be BRUTALLY HONEST ABOUT EVERYTHING. Put ALL that ancient horrid filth in Christ's Hands. Stop burying it in denial, stop hiding it in shame, stop denying it in despair! Doing that only PERPETUATES it, and IMPRISONS you in misery! LET GO AND LET GOD WASH YOU CLEAN IN HIS BLOOD. HE CAN AND WILL PURIFY YOU, AT LONG LAST.


Some additional breakfast notes:
+ French toast NEEDS time to chew AND CUT; the crust is super firm/ chewy. Don't rush OR crawl; be mindful.
+ Be prudent w/ syrup! Only use half the container, if that (we did). Too much is dangerous, both physically (sugar rush) and mentally (addiction), EVEN spiritually (intemperance/ indulgence)! BUT it IS proper/ allowed TO use, because it is a COMMON/ AVERAGE/ "INTENDED" combo w/ the toast, and we don't want to fear OR despise/ judge common food!
It's OKAY to "like" a food, esp. a sweet one OR other "forbidden/ morally dangerous" item. FOOD ISN'T EVIL, AND IT CANNOT CORRUPT YOU. Even syrup, eaten IN A VIRTUOUS MANNER, with gratitude to God, can be used for Good!!
+ Coffee is bitter, remember! But it's not scary. It's a FAMILY food, shockingly-- I think ONLY Diamond doesn't regularly drink it. So there is DEEP affection there, & being ABLE to now participate in that common unitive experience is a real blessing.
I don't know if we should try adding ONE sugar (plus our 2 creamers); if only to overcome that "moral judgment" we still sadly hold about sugar. Remember grandma always took 3 SUGARS, and her moral integrity was unaffected! Same to you, IF you LET GO of that condemning attitude towards GOD'S CREATION AND PEOPLE! I don't want to give ANY power to sxtrauma anymore. EVEN SUGAR IS INNOCENT. Don't force it if it's not wise/ proper/ prudent for your situation/ state/ obedience, BUT don't condemn OR fear it, either. Trust God! He rules over ALL things!!
+ Eggs + JUST ketchup = MORE CAMPER MEMORIES??? That is blowing my mind!! But it's specifically NOT the VFW OR hose company-- THOSE have the PEPPER!!! This is fascinating. And I love feeling my history as REAL again. Plain, they're ONE SUGAR PACKET AWAY from being EASTER CHEESE, pretty much! Their texture is SO LOVELY. And they taste NOTHING like an omelet! Their focus is yolk; omelets are more milk?? We'll find out. But THANKS FOR EGG, GOD



post-lunch//

NO CONDIMENTS!!! ♥ We ate the burger in ONE direction, NOT "circling" around the center, AND resisted that old compulsion to "save the (allegedly) best bit (center) for last," instead trusting God & gratefully treating/ experiencing the ENTIRE burger! It's peppery & mushroomy, with bits of carrot, bell pepper, onion, & water chestnut; it's NICE with the cheese and the texture IS good!! It is just VERY dense, and slightly rubbery, so it REQUIRES small bites & thorough chewing (~20m). We had no trouble there, again thanks to patiently trusting Jesus.
We STARTED w/ the applesauce, and got nothing but vague unease UNTIL we closed our eyes to turn OFF sensory input overrides of internal data-- and IMMEDIATELY got a powerful memory association of SUNDAY DINNERS w/ family, applesauce & pork chops on our plate, dreadfully anxious. WHAT happened at/ around family dinners that has little us SO UPSET? She's bracing for impact, almost-- waiting for "inevitable disaster" to hit. We imagined the family reassuring her, stating their love, AND promising that "if we ever DO fight, we will ALWAYS forgive & make peace after, AND we still/ always love you/ each other." She was comforted a little but not consoled? Now wanted to CRY, feeling safe enough TO do so. Reason still unknown. Not even tied TO the food; she just lost her appetite from nerves, & was sick/ miserable at the thought of being FORCED to eat it, while feeling like that. THAT'S a "POISONING" fear root-- like the chocolate milk incident!! She'd be burying/ suppressing her sadness/ fear and then SWALLOWING it down, making the APPLESAUCE a "fear food" by such explicit association! WEIRDLY the pork chops AREN'T-- or rather, THEY are only scary as a CONCEPT!! Their presence WITH the "swallowable fear" food made their future presence scary, BUT!! MEAT HAS TO BE CUT UP & CHEWED, and those "subtly violent" actions PROBABLY HELPED VENT/ EXPRESS THE FRUSTRATED ANXIETY that was otherwise being choked down without any possible resistance (i.e. chewing, cutting)!!! THAT'S HUGE. I must add, though-- the thought of being ALONE w/ grandma, at our young age, and HER "feeding" us the applesauce, ISN'T SCARY?? So there's a LOT to think upon/ feel out here!
+ THE PUDDING TASTED EXACTLY LIKE THE CREAM SAUCE GRANDMA WOULD MAKE FOR THE FLUFFY RHUBARB CAKE. Oh my goodness that meant SO MUCH to us; thank You God!! We FORGOT that was even a thing, and ALL our memories OF that dessert are, monumentally, PURELY POSITIVE!!! That is almost UNHEARD OF for food memories, especially desserts (due to shame/ fear/ guilt)!! But this one is actually joyful. And realizing the memory today, it hit us so hard... WITHOUT this EXACT identically flavored food being able to relive that memory... we could NEVER experience it again. When grandma went home to God, she took ALL her baking with her. Those lovely memories are forever past, now... or at least, literally so. But God, in His great compassion, has given us the totally unexpected & heartachingly beautiful opportunity, however small, TO touch those experiences again even now, to tangibly re-live not only our childhood but also our love-- a chance to feel it with powerfully bittersweet directness, our grief briefly but genuinely transmuted into deepest affection, illuminated by our remembrance of her brought fresh into the Now, almost as if she were still right there beside us.

A VITAL POST-LUNCH RECOVERY RISK UPDATE: REDUCE THE FLUIDS!!!
We are compulsively trying to push THREE TO FOUR entire cups of fluid WITH meals, not realizing that such liquid volume IS STILL VOLUME AND IT WILL TRIGGER THE BULIMIC PANIC RESPONSE!!!! When there is that much tangible "fullness" it sets off SO MANY TRAUMA ALARMS and we instinctively, in a survival reaction, want to GET IT OUT so we will be safe-- AND "empty." That "emptiness" is held in sharp contrast to "fullness" in an AUTONOMIC sense-- the horror of violation, and the resulting invasion/ infection from a malicious foreign body, resulting in BOTH LOSS OF SELF/ IDENTITY AND OUR SELF BEING SWALLOWED UP BY THAT VIOLATOR'S SELF. Annihilation through forced override-- a heaviness on us taking over us, suffocating & pinning us down, overriding EVERYTHING with its own weight and heft and "fullness"; it forces itself into our body, stuffing it like a parasitic wasp, and leaving us bloated and ravaged, doomed to agonizing death. I have NO idea WHERE the ultimate roots of this are. They're SO OLD. Yes there have been FAR too many "replants" of those evil seeds since the unknown beginning-- TBAS being the tragically explicit example-- but WHEN did it START? WAS there something in childhood?? The EARLIEST clear incident we can actively remember is from 2011, in the psych ward, with our roommate. She was huge, she was invasive, we were small, we were trapped & helpless. We're STILL shaking from that shock, deep down. But PRIOR to that? I have no clue. If I had to guess, I'd suspect something with Mom, unintentionally of course, as her scent STILL scares us with an unconscious but SPECIFIC fear of being smothered & trapped. This is no fear of hugs-- the paralysis is from being PINNED, or otherwise restrained. Notably, Grandpa's bigness is a threat in memory, but NOT an offender?? Like we recognize POTENTIAL for that danger in his bigness, BUT it WASN'T used to smother us ever. Actually it seems we ONLY get that fear from WOMEN??? Men would THROW their weight around, so with Grandpa we feared his utilizing that bulk in RAGE, like a snorting bull, ready to gore you with sheer brute force. We feared the strength of that weight, channeled into slams or charges or punches, or holding you down like a dying butterfly facing a pin, frantic but crushed by those iron bars he called arms. We never FELT the weight ITSELF. The threat was active, direct. But women were indirect, passive, like being locked in an oubliette with the walls closing in, the air getting heavy with noxious vapors. SHEER TERROR. BUT WHY???
In any case, STOP TRIGGERING THIS BY DRINKING SO MUCH AT ONCE!!! Cut down to ONE coffee or tea at breakfast, and ONE tea at meals that have fluids included! You CAN ask for more water, but DON'T "obligate" yourself to drowning by compulsively asking for TWO by default!! If you're still thirsty, ask for one later!!
It takes A SOLID HOUR for the panic to subside, and TWO to feel decent again!! SO PLEASE BE CAREFUL!!!

 


prismaticbleed: (shatter)


pre-breakfast//

Oh God I'm struggling so much. Let me please just pour my hurting heart out to You. no pretention.

I'M SO ANGRY & SCARED I DON'T WANT HER TO SIT NEXT TO BE I NEED TO BE ALONE!!!!!!!! IT HURTS I'M SO SCARED I'M SO SAD I'M HELPLESS TRAPPED MONITORED AGAIN
I WANT TO SCREAM AND CRY AND THROW uP. EVEN THOUgH bReAKFASt was Good AND NIcE we DIDN'T GET TO ENJOY IT (STUPID!!! SELFISH!! WHORE!!! STOP THINKING ABOUT ""ENJOYING"" EATING THAT'S A SLUT WANT) im sorry
but it's true we can't pull ourself together
we're SEVERELY tempted to VIOLENTLY SELF-SABOTAGE/ LASH OUT/ MELTDOWN SOLELY to "SCARE PEOPLE AWAY" SO WE CAN BE SAFE & ALONE!!!!!
We want to CRY I feel so dead & hopeless
I cAnt exisT ARouND OThER PEOPLE ITS EITHER US OR thEM
I WANT TO BE ALONE
ALONE ALONE!!!!
PLEASE!!!!
PLEASE
PLEASE JUST LET US EXIST TOO PLEASE.
WHEN OTHER PEOPLE GET THAT CLOSE, THAT INVASIVE, WE LOSE OUR SENSE OF SELF AND REALITY THERE ARE NO BOUNDARIES TO KEEP THEM OUT OR PROTECT US OR KEEP US SAFE IT IS (TO US) PSYCHOLOGICAL RAPE AND WE WILL DIE
I don't think I we can survive that again
no more
RUN. JUST RUN AWAY. WE CAN'T SURVIVE OR LIVE AT ALL LIKE THIS
but won't that make us a bad fake christian?
"obedience unto death" remember
yeah but there's no love in this terror-stricken, gritted-teeth "endurance"
and carrying ANY cross without love doesn't save us or anyone else, you HYPOCRITE.

God I dont know what to do
im such a coward.               im sorry







post-breakfast//

quick breakfast notes for the actual meal: we got a SURPRISE OMELET and we COMPLETELY ENJOYED IT this time! No trauma, no anxiety. Our only "obstacle" is expecting it to taste like traditional eggs, which it DOESN'T and actually ISN'T SUPPOSED TO! it's "eggy" more like a custard or something-- blended w/ milk, maybe, but mostly just LIGHT & AIRY. no heavy yolk taste or neutral white taste, NOR the savory note of scrambleds. an omelet is its own thing AND IF you acknowledge & respect that, it CANNOT "DISAPPOINT," and GOD WILLING it will ALSO prevent that ridiculous inexplicable "compulsive dislike" that IGNORES actual complete conscience data input & comprehension!!! When we DO truly feel & process the facts, guess what? We DO LIKE OMELETS. The ONLY remaining fear is from the August binges & feeling "compelled/ addicted." BUT if we SET THAT ASIDE, we honestly DO still enjoy them-- AND for some reason, in that basic state, they are POWERFULLY tied to DAD!! We should ask him about that.
+ Lemon yogurt has a LOT of sugar (15g) BUT it is another beloved reminder of grandma-- AND it was her brother's favorite, too.
+ Oatmeal is always perfect in its simplicity-- BUT it ALSO teaches a powerful spiritual lesson as such! We may be tempted to add sugar to it, BUT RESIST THAT, because its humility reminds us of CHRIST, Who came to us PLAIN, leaving the "sugar" of Divinity in HEAVEN, the TRUE sweetness... ADDING "WORLDLY" SUGAR like pomp & riches & power, is SINFUL. It is ONLY in that plainness that the DEEPER, GENTLE, INHERENT, REAL SWEETNESS CAN BE DISCERNED!! ONLY PURE & SIMPLE HEARTS CAN (TRULY!) SEE GOD, and this is a perfect "as above so below" reflection. God is hidden, yet apparent. We must be plain, too, to "taste" Him.
+ Thanks to John Pollock, RAISINS ARE NOW SAFE!!! AND POSITIVE??? We thought of Jesus & His Disciples eating them during their long travels on the road, teaching & spreading the Good News, and THEIR powerful innate sweetness took on that same meaning-- concentrated joy, life-giving strength, food saturated with light.



post-group//

"Recreation group" EMOTIONAL COLLAPSE. The previous page topic (+ an IMMEDIATELY following Treatment Team meeting in which we BLUNTLY, HONESTLY, & OPENLY discussed & disclosed that tumultuous situation AND its historical roots/ future consequences) had us severely compromised emotionally, and today they JUST SO HAPPENED to decide to do... breathing exercises & "meditations." WITH new age music. WHILE the acoustic guitar singer from YESTERDAY'S meltdown was loudly performing next door. And we just BROKE DOWN.
+ Q told us to "just breathe" and "it'll be okay" WHILE he was (unknowingly) traumatizing us?
+ TBAS trauma breathing, no details EVER
+ Jade & her schizophrenic new age beliefs about breathing = altered consciousness AND that terrifying "lust" breath-thing she would ALWAYS do
+ "Feeling" our own breathing TOO much when in danger & desperately trying to control it
+ Memories of "suffocating" & "cold lungs" with slow breathing, especially at night
+ when grandma was dying, her breathing got so bad
+ that awful new age music playing when i woke up and she wasnt breathing anymore

sobbed silently but inconsolably for 45 solid minutes. maybe more. SOAKED our mask, glasses, & clothes.
we lost too much. jade can die any day and we won't know. mom is getting so old, oh mom, she could be gone so fast. she pushes herself too hard. dad is getting so old and tired. his hair is all gray, we aren't even that close to him yet, its awful. i dont want this distance,
grandpa died in his sleep, we werent even in the same state, we got the phone call, he's gone, we couldnt even attend his funeral,
grandma. God we miss her so much. its unbearable. we MISS that week or two we got covid and had to sleep next to her, in bed all day sharing her pain. and the week after the hospital when we couldnt breathe and slept there too. she had the oxygen machine. sharing hurts.
i was such a bitch. coward from pain on easter. religious hypocrite. went to 5 masses and binge-puked from excruciating pain instead of STAYING WITH HER and sharing that last holiday of hope which I CRUSHED.
she ate her last meal that night and i wasnt there
i even threw up in hospice from pain & fear
while they had her so full of pain meds she couldnt wake up
did it even matter that i was there?
i was such a stone cold bitch
i was two dAYS LATE
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE IN THE AMBULANCE WITH HER
I WANTED TO BE
I

i was a coward
i lay alone in the ER and sobbed
i knew i was an irredeemable fool
a hypocrite
a
i
i abandoned her
i showed up two days late
i got too damn complacent
distracted reading on my fcking PHONE instead of just
looking at her
being with her
i fell asleep like a coward
too complacent
forgot to kiss her goodnight
when i woke up
she wasnt breathing
that damn new age music
im so sorry grandma
i love you
im so so sorry






post-lunch//

lunch was spaghetti & meatballs, broccoli/ cauliflower, parmesan, OJ & grape juice vanilla frozen yogurt. it was fitting, considering this morning-- grandpa's favorite meal, and what they served at grandma's funeral. VFW food. church community food. "comfort" yet "mourning" food. no trauma, just grief, and an odd consolation, "memento mori." they will eat this at my funeral, too.

+ too much salt & pepper on vegs. forgot how overpowering they are. upset. Jesus said forgive, its okay, we neeed the reminder. by it we're learning to love plain things more. it fits us. i like quieter things. no more loud yelling sharp spices or sauces. the spaghetti Actually HELPS because its SO neutral & mild, the sauce is grounded. the parmesan does similar, but horizontally-- fats "widen" tastes, spreading them out so they aren't sharp & piercing. it was nice. meatballs too. carbs "earth" things, protein ANCHORS. safe solid base. GOOD weight!! and water brightens & lightens things. like iscah said long ago, God paints a symphony with it, too.
+ BOTH OJ & grape juice make us remember drinking out of those PLASTIC CYLINDER CUPS, like the blue/ pink ones with the bubble pattern!! I FORGOT about them until now!! AND sitting at that little plastic picnic table in the kitchen, doing elementary homework. But OJ ALSO tastes like SUMMER-- specifically as a child-- while grape is SOLIDLY attached to early school/ family vibes. It's... deeply comforting, despite that ambient childhood anxiety, TO be remembering MY (!!) childhood, GENUINELY and REALLY, with this recovery process. I feel more whole, bit by bit.
+ The vanilla frozen yogurt is LESS "sharp sweet" than the ice cream? Leans blue, not yellow. Brief experience, but enjoyable. I look forward to the next.



post-dinner//

Intrusive, compulsive, HORRIBLY JUDGMENTAL/ SCOFFING/ ANGRY thoughts that I DO NOT WANT OR APPROVE tormented me the whole meal, in response to every trivia question & patient comment. Dude, that one girl ONLY boasts about her accolades and achievements-- AND her trials and traumas-- because she feels worthless despite it all and is DESPERATELY seeking validation, affirmation, recognition, admiration, compassion, etc. It's a constant cry of "Look at me! Look what I can do! Look at how I've suffered! SEE me!!" She must be aching inside, to be so fervently hyperdisclosing; I know because I DO THAT TOO, WHEN I FEEL WORTHLESS & ABANDONED. And I HATE myself for it-- so that horrible "inner voice" is ECHOING that appalling lack of mercy. It's horrifying to realize. THAT'S why Jesus said, "Love your neighbor AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF!!!" BOTH ARE MUTUALLY BOUND, AND YOU CAN'T DO EITHER WITHOUT LOVING GOD, FIRST!!
+ All that made us dissociate & not really fully experience the chicken. We DID pray & had some graciously lucid moments, but our memory was shot & inaccessible. We got SO upset AND angry; we shamefully & falsely "blamed" the talk "for distracting us," when really it was OUR OWN MIND yammering so cruelly. We're sincerely sorry. We focused on being gentle & forgiving EVERYONE, ourself too, then putting ALL of it in Jesus's trustworthy Hands. "Jesus, YOU know what's best for my soul. If You want me to remember the meal, please do. And help me let go of ALL bitterness & regret, & trust that You Can bring good even out of our mess at this meal." And HE DID. We had FULL memory data access! He is SO kind to us. Now, we just need to practice gentleness & mercy in that same memory experience, to ATONE/ do PENANCE in retrospect. Jesus will help us, by His grace. Just ask Him, and TRUST.

 


prismaticbleed: (shatter)


post-breakfast//

Breakfast was perfect; no scary/ trauma memory triggers AT ALL, save for some gentle flavor recollections (cream cheese & grandma, vinegar on HB egg reminder of EASTER ♥, bagel association with mom, apples & the woods outside). We GENUINELY enjoyed the entire meal. We also tried the mint green tea! Very mild taste, not overpowering. Refreshingly neutral as well; relieving.

APPLE)
We're deeply fond of them tbh; there's an inherent sweetness & purity & simplicity to them that we love-- but they are ALSO so wonderfully rich in variation, and are almost archetypal symbols of health, discernment, and gracious bounty. That last one hit home today-- our "autumn apple" HARVEST TIME fear beginning to transform: before the trees start to die, they give us SO MUCH fruit; it is created not only to propagate life for the tree, but ALSO to SPECIFICALLY nourish the creatures that EAT the fruit, AND to spread seeds in fertile ground (often THROUGH being eaten!) so that life can be PLANTED DESPITE DEATH, and TAKE ROOT DURING WINTER. I just find that concept-- that REALITY-- so beautiful. And it helps me genuinely love apples.
The "stomach hurt" from the peel GOES AWAY; it's not debilitating! Cushion with the yogurt & tea, too!
A NOTE... our TRUE fear is NOT the apple, but the "HARVEST FAIR/ FESTIVAL" and seeing apples in orange/ brown bushels & YELLOW FIELDS!!! Dude it's the FIELDS that scare us-- hay bales & corn mazes & acres of grain. Just like "out west," that visual of DRY, HOT, FLAT, featureless YELLOW is EXISTENTIALLY TERRIFYING. Even driving by them on the road makes us feel TRAPPED, HELPLESS, ALONE, and WITHOUT HOPE OR A FUTURE. Yellow fields, ironically, signify DEATH & EMPTINESS, not harvest & plentifulness.

+ Apparently we LIKE the bagel with cream cheese, which is nice actually. The texture isn't scary at ALL, it's chewy & nice!
I think MANY, if not MOST, of our "food fears" have to do with MISUSE OF FOOD: distortion & binges. Eating things normally now ISN'T SCARY AT ALL!!

CINNAMON smell is ACTUALLY A TRIGGER-- the SAME "autumn terror is here" panic signal as APPLE CINNAMON!!! (+CLOVE?? that one ALSO carries TBAS trauma, sadly)



post-group//

"DIRT," EVEN WITH ART SUPPLIES, triggers CONTAMINATION PANIC. WHY???
(+REMEMBER: sxtrauma involved hands corrupted. we also had NO BATH ACCESS in CNC/SLC.)
(dirty clothes must have old trauma. carefully feel it out?)

+ Art/ music group = TRAUMA MELTDOWN. literally punching & biting self, screaming & sobbing in bathroom. COULDN'T COPE. guitar/ singing TERRIFYING. begging "shut up please, God why won't it stop, God I can't do this, I'm so afraid". hid in room, covered ears, cried. prayed & begged God for help.
+ also got treatment plan. they said I had a "fear of death." HUMILIATED & brokenhearted FURIOUS. what kind of a Christian AM I if I'm afraid of dying???? but look at me in every damn meal. I'm TERRIFIED of being poisoned or going into anaphylaxis, or having a heart attack from sugar shock or caffeine, etc. but that's because I'm TERRIFIED OF A DIS-GRACEFUL DEATH. dying from eating is a PIG'S death, a WHORE death. dying IN SIN. good girls don't die from food. if food kills me I go to hell FOREVER, and they'll make me eat EVEN MORE there. I AM afraid of that kind of death. but otherwise? IF I die in grace, by His Mercy I can go to GOD. FOREVER. and the eating is over forever. just God. and I want that so much. God please give me grace. I know I'm a wretched sinner but I need You or I WILL die, forever. save my life, for YOUR sake, please.




post-lunch//

+ pineapple SLC "trapped here alone forever" existential dread. overcome by association with Dad cruiseship & TIARA.
+ hamburger HEALED through last week's work. immediate mcdonald's childhood memory, HAPPY now. adding KETCHUP turns it into THORNHURST cookout memories with dad, also at his house, AND apartment cookouts. some "social acceptance/ rejection" nerves but otherwise, no fear. thank God. bread itself got a bit soft; so comforting. we needed that. thank You God.
+ steamed/ buttered vegs: carrots, either green beans or something like cucumber? (crisp peel, watery. pretty cool) & zucchini/ squash. INSTANT trauma trigger fear w/ TBAS. adding salt & pepper muted it, tasted nice too. BUT thanks be to God, the actual TASTE instantly made us think of MOM. ♥ not sure why, but it was HER we remembered, NOT any trauma associations!!
chocolate milk. i literally thought i was going to die. it felt like being violated.
↑ cocoa is EXPLICITLY TIED TO ABUSE!!!!! it was like swallowing drain cleaner PLEASE dont do it again PLEASE
+ I honestly took one sip and put it down. The terror hit like a bullet. "I can't do this." RELIVING EXPLICIT ABUSE. took like ten minutes. STRONGLY considered leaving it. "self-respect," "don't betray conscience," "don't choose abuse." did NOT want to feel so WHORISH and USED. but. one single radical thought prevailed:
OBEDIENCE EVEN UNTO DEATH.
so we did. drank a bit more. almost vomited. whole body shook. put it back down. nearly gave up.

"do it for Jesus." He DIED for love of me. I can suffer this small death for love of Him.
poured the rest into the tea. drank it all. 100%. paid for it in blood.
body collapsed in nausea, terror, inability to cope. shook & rocked & trembled & dissociated for a solid hour. but survived. thanks be to God for staying with us. because He did.
we were on the cross after all.

we have GOT to heal cocoa/ chocolate in order to survive this. all we can think of currently is jade.
even writing that name makes us wants to cry & scream & vomit & die. cannot cope.

+ is there ANY positive association with cocoa or chocolate? it seems, our WHOLE LIFE, it's been terrifying.

by 4PM (4 hours later) our body feels FINE. a miracle. our mind was still profoundly disturbed, though... UNTIL we picked up our book about Jesus-- "The Master"-- and started to read. INSTANT PEACE, HOPE, & CONSOLATION, all wrapped up in Charity, despite our feeble exhaustion. we felt fresh life breathed into our soul.
thank You God. thank You God!! there is ALWAYS an end to evil. Christ HAS overcome the world!!!



post-dinner//

Dinner notes: OJ isn't scary, SUMMER is. remembering grandma gives peace. The potatoes are very plain so the herbs stand out nicely. salt & pepper ideal; ketchup ACTUALLY WORKS with these so 3 is fine! No associations. Sherbet is fine, just give it MORE TIME as it's COLD & hurts our teeth, also our stomach if we eat it too fast. It STILL needs to be "chewed." The most interesting bit was the SANDWICH. By itself, it's "affectionately neutral"? We like sandwiches as a CONCEPT, and cheese too, oddly yet admittedly, although provolone isn't our vibe AND it still has mild associated trauma echoes. Same with turkey. BUT we CAN detach from those through gratitude & forgiveness & RELEASING that into the past: "that event HAPPENED and ENDED. it CANNOT and DOES NOT affect the present." Logically at least! EMOTIONALLY, what we NEED are POSITIVE associations for both provolone & turkey lunchmeat that will OVERRIDE the negative echoes. So get/ find some! ON THAT NOTE. Our sandwich experience was SUPER INTERESTING & INFORMATIVE because Jesus gave us the GENIUS option to take our bites with sips of cranapple juice. That, by itself, is affectionately harmless-- it reminds us 100% of mom's "wassail." BUT WITH the sandwich, it tastes 100% LIKE THANKSGIVING. And at first, that was TERRIFYING. For unknown reasons that holiday has ALWAYS filled us with anxiety & dread; maybe because of the intense sensory overload/ agitated rushing of COOKING & PREPARING it?? THAT makes sense actually! And within the "harvest" context, ESPECIALLY with the aesthetic of decorations (scary colors, also pilgrim stuff) filling the kitchen, the overall tone of the DAY-- not just the dinner-- would be dreadful. We tried to heal the memory by imagining the WHOLE family eating together, HAPPY, at peace, PRAYING TOGETHER and SPECIFICALLY THANKING GOD for food & family. They ALSO told us, "you DON'T have to try everything at once, and you DON'T have to stuff yourself OR even finish your plate!" "The POINT of this huge meal is to SEE & be GRATEFUL for the sheer greatness of God's generosity; this bounty is MEANT to be put away & saved for later, for REST after harvest, and PROVISION despite the winter chill! Leftovers themselves are a huge blessing on this holiday!" That helped a LOT. But we still felt unsafe & "in trouble" & full of unease, even dread? Like nighttime-- which was falling outside as we ate in the original memories-- would be dangerous & scary, even full of fighting? AGAIN, I NOW THINK/ SENSE THAT FEAR IS ABOUT THE CLEANUP PROCESS, as mom & grandma would ALWAYS be sharp & touchy & cross & rushing & noisy then, and all the boys would just leave, not helping, just ignoring. No harmony, no more family closeness. HEAL THAT, PLEASE, MORE THAN ANYTHING. Deep down there IS true hope; when we just "let go" & taste that Thanksgiving flavor, we FEEL that deep love of family despite all anxiety. THAT LOVE WILL OVERCOME ANY FEARS; IT CANNOT BE CONQUERED. Hold on to it. Pray about it. God is Love, and He WILL heal us.



pre-snack//

To combat choice panic, we asked Mom what to get on the phone (by choosing a random color) and she said "yellow" so we're FINALLY tackling the potato chips. We're legit TERRIFIED. But they're grandpa's favorite, and Dad serves them at cookouts-- with the burgers we had for lunch! So it ties together. Be brave! Do it for them! With God's grace, do it with LOVE!!


post-snack//

POTATO CHIPS ARE NOT A FEAR FOOD??? They weren't even scary to LOOK at!! So ONLY their CONCEPT scared us-- that and the "grandpa's closet" guilt/ binge-choking terror. SO we talked with him about that, via TWO unhealthy food alters, who were forgiven AND fed, told they were loved, & cared for sincerely. "I'll never say no to you if you just ask me. I'd rather you eat if you're that hungry" etc. Girls WANTED to be good/ healthy. THEN Dad cookout; he gave us a bag AS A CS; active involvement in our recovery process with love! BUT the ACTUAL chip association memory? THE BEACH!!! Clear & joyful & sunny & GOOD YELLOW!!! That was an amazing surprise. THANKS JESUS

 


prismaticbleed: (Default)


post-breakfast//

Cheese omelet, english muffin, cream cheese, applesauce, OJ, soymilk, cinnamon tea, 2 ketchup, 2 salt, 3 pepper, 2 creamer

CHEESE OMELET)
IS A FEAR FOOD AGAIN, due to the recent binge-cycle & its associations with S&V. it USED to be tied to CNC memories too, but only TRIGGERED sometimes, as TBAS cooked them differently. Still, the concept was tainted. AND YET... there are STILL POWERFUL POSITIVE ASSOCIATIONS with BOTH Mom & Dad-- the latter giving us some in the CAMPER? That MIGHT just be an "egg texture + cheese" trigger with vacation on-the-road breakfasts, but that's APPLICABLE and so ENTIRELY RELEVANT. And THAT gives us SO MUCH HOPE for healing-- the STRONGEST roots were BASE SENSORY DATA and NOT just presentation; AND the "change" in fear/ healed status RAPIDLY, BOTH ways, PROVES the inherent "harmless neutrality" of ALL foods, AND the unchangeable ability TO BE HEALED from ANY distortion, from BOTH acknowledgement OF that fact (to restore a neutral "rest & relief" status) AND POSITIVE RE-ASSOCIATION!!! BAD MEMORIES CAN BE STRIPPED OF THEIR STOLEN POWER AND OVERRIDDEN BY REPEATEDLY STRENGTHENING A NEW POSITIVE ANCHOR ASSOCIATION!!! Such re-association MUST be done BOTH mentally AND experientially-- IN THAT ORDER!! Experience data hits HARD & sticks like glue, BUT it sticks TO WHAT'S INSIDE!!! So we need to consciously & determinedly lay a GOOD FOUNDATION FIRST for it TO stick to & rebuild upon!
SO. Realtime application: FIRST, FIND AND/OR CREATE POSITIVE ASSOCIATIONS for that fear/ trigger food, and FOCUS ON THEM WITH A PRAYERFUL, TRUSTING, FAITHFUL HEART! "Forcing," "pushing" or otherwise controlling/ worrying/ obsessing WILL BACKFIRE!!! Gently but strongly think positive thoughts about it. USE THE SPECTRUM AND THE LEAGUE FOR HELP!!! Then, once we have laid that new & good foundation INSIDE, we can start anchoring it in OUTSIDE by finally re-eating the food. THEN we can fix its associations BY CONSCIOUSLY OVERRIDING any negative/ trauma triggers IN REALTIME, WITHOUT DENYING them-- there's a difference! They had their reason for being there, but it was based on ABUSE, FEAR, & FALSEHOOD-- ALL OF WHICH MELT AWAY IN THE PEACE OF CHRIST!!! THAT IS OUR ULTIMATE UNDERLYING GOAL IN ALL OUR EFFORTS: TO LIVE THE PURE, ORDERLY, HOLY LIFE CHRIST REDEEMED US TO BE.
WE HAVE TWO PERFECT "GOOD" ASSOCIATIONS ALREADY: KING DAVID VS GOLIATH, & PROFESSORS SADA & TURO. I'm serious!!! We suddenly realized that the breakfast omelet tasted IDENTICAL to the frozen ones at ShopRite, which we were eating DURING our fast readthrough of the Books of Judges & 1 Kings! (So Joshua & the Battle of Jericho are tied to it, too; that feels oddly fitting)
+ Sada/ Turo = CROSS in eternity; UNITE past/ future in ETERNAL NOW 
+ they eat omelets together, it's adorable

+ cream cheese scary in concept, BUT we LIKE it?? Kitchen vibe, specifically grandma! why so? no specific memory. Was that her breakfast, way back?
+ english muffin PERFECT. problem = "wiped up salt/ pepper" with it. DON'T. eat it plain & nicely! we REALLY enjoy them literally as-is. also ASTRA!
+ OJ not so scary? thoughts of grandma, & POWERFUL childhood vibe; indistinct memory. fear is physiological, not emotional. (acid sickness)
+ applesauce same as OJ. remember buying TONS for grandma when she couldn't chew anymore; huge act of love. remember SHE WAS TOUCHED. ♥ overcome "compulsive dislike" = old folks & babies CAN enjoy apples ONLY this way, gentle & sweet, and they are SO GRATEFUL. the feelings of "humiliation" we get from applesauce turn into HUMILITY, THROUGH EMPATHY & LOVE; COMMUNION with those people, feeling & sharing their gratitude.
+ CINNAMON TEA IS GORGEOUS. tastes like Christmas cinnamon!! With creamer it is SO LOVELY. do have it more often.
+ ketchup is GROSS on omelets, haha! don't need/ like the s&p either! this meal is BEST when eaten PERFECTLY PLAIN.
DON'T GO "TOXIC COMPLETIONIST" & EMPTY CONDIMENTS ONTO PLATE/ FEEL "OBLIGATED" TO USE ENTIRE PACKET. NO. TRY PART of one first, and if it's disgusting in that context, SET IT ASIDE & LEAVE IT ALONE. Don't BE gross OR DISORDERED!!



post-lunch//

+ paranoia about food order "morality"; thought Jesus told us to eat the turkey & cranapple juice first, but when we asked again the answer pushed the GRAPE, and we were pushed NOT to mix that with turkey, so WE chose to eat the green beans first, & felt like we had just eaten the forbidden fruit. TOTAL PANIC & MORAL TERROR. dissociated HARD & began to rush. Couldn't "tune in" to Jesus because of tormented conscience, so LAURIE talked us down, assuring us that meals were NOT a matter of morality. the goal is NOT to panic & obsess over them like this!! JESUS WANTS US TO BE FREE, free to CHOOSE the good/ proper/ healthy/ loving/ merciful/ gentle option, NOT slavery to rigid, judgmental, fearful, compulsive, unmerciful "obligations." (He said, about our choice, "I make all things work together unto Good")
+ turkey taste like dark meat chicken. thought of Jade as a kid, affectionately. TASTE IS TRIGGERING though; makes us feel "naked." too much fleshiness to it? disturbed & upset. YET remember "axe cop" pure-hearted thanksgiving turkey!! eating meat ALSO gives us moral panic & dread (TBAS "carnivore/ cannibal" obsessions), so PLEASE, remember GOD GAVE YOU THIS LIFE FOR LIFE, IN SACRIFICIAL LOVE-- like OT offerings, it's a reflection & reminder of Christ's ultimate Self-giving to feed US!! But yes, this needs SO MUCH HEALING.
Plus, Thanksgiving memories are STILL blocked-off; I think THAT is motivating the "compulsive dislike"-- it's a PROTECTIVE INSTINCT! So we're "not sure" if we like the stuffing "or not" in truth, either; also the taste data for both WON'T CLICK OR STICK. We'll have to look into it. The ONLY shock was the sudden CRANBERRY trigger from the juice, adjacent TO those-- LEGIT PANIC. So THAT context hit says a LOT!!
+ dinner rolls are still perfect!



miscellaneous notes//

Mom & strawberry Poptart fear: "Try it! You don't know how GOOD it might be until you do." I LEGIT NEVER CONSIDERED THAT PERSPECTIVE. Remember that!! "You SEE what you LOOK for!!"

TWO massive trauma-music flashback hells today. Q AND OV.
HOW DO WE COPE WITH THAT??

+ "too much empathy" curse, from 2007-- "I'm not happy if You're not happy"; loss of self; no boundaries; other's emotions become our reality. and then we CANNOT help them as we've become empty mirrors/ amplifiers. EXACTLY what happened yesterday.
+ judging "judgmental" comments that DIDN'T EXIST; I was assuming! shameful, feel awful. "I won't listen because I don't want TO judge, and they ARE." actually they WEREN'T. my brain just does that itself compulsively. humbling/ humiliating. grateful to see this sin exposed. practice compassion & acceptance of REALITY; no labeling!!
song trigger made me dissociate hard & not taste anything & rush, although it was a fave today. trigger made me think "I don't like this meal." UNTRUE!!! why such a reaction?? so angry at "loss" of enjoyment. felt hollowed out.
relived CNC terror for a solid hour after. CONSTANT HELPLESS DREAD. no control, no help. TBAS cut me off from faith & family, & usurped my free will. made me live FOR them. I wanted to die. SO MANY MEMORIES saturated with existential horror. the nightfall was hell; really sank in. mornings similar--self destructive performance. totally blacked out. cannot even look at that room in memory. horrified at SEEING JUST HOW CATASTROPHIC the eating disorder was then. living hell. BUT!!!! it was ALSO SOLIDLY OUR ONLY COPING/ "SURVIVAL" MECHANISM. Bizarrely, maybe because of that desperate function, IT didn't seem to form trigger foods??? but TBAS DID, even "casually." I think EVERY SINGLE FOOD we shared with them ultimately became a trigger BECAUSE of that constant underlying HORROR/ DREAD/ LOSS/ DESPAIR/ etc. that I denied/ buried. God HELP ME TO TRULY, TOTALLY FORGIVE whatever is perpetuating this bitter regret. I do still love them, but... I'm also still scared to death of all my memories of them.
remember we ALSO have trauma specific to ALTERS OF THEIRS!! That trauma is MUCH sharper & scarier... Hence why that song shook us up SO BADLY. We haven't faced ANY of it yet.

 


prismaticbleed: (Default)


+ Supportive qualities of my mom: she is determined to learn about eating disorders (especially my OWN personal experiences); she recognizes both my struggles and my strengths; she will literally move mountains to help her kids (she ALWAYS goes the extra mile!); she cares enough to both encourage & critique me; she's always my mom

+ My day so far: lovely talks with the phlebotomist over bloodwork/EKG; she gave me a panda gemkit and a koala sticker. She's so sweet!
Breakfast was a bit shaky from noise-driven dissociation, but I prayed for help & peace, & made it through. I am holding courageously on to optimism & hope-- "what you look for, you will find; you can ONLY see what you BELIEVE!"

+ What makes me happy/peaceful: snow, quiet (& foggy!) mornings, finding inspiration (unexpectedly!), succeeding at playing new music, going to church & singing, exploring the woods, standing in the rain (getting soaking wet!) (or falling asleep during the rainfall), seeing progress in my recovery

+ 10 things I am grateful for: my faith, my family, a new chance at life, my gift for words, my imaginative ideas, childhood memories, sparkly crystalline things, snow & the Christmas season, kind & thoughtful folks, HOPE

+ A great lesson: realizing that faith & family ARE the most important things, wellsprings of love & joy, and defined by giving/gratitude. I tried living with folks who didn't value either, and despite my best efforts, I was miserable. My family LITERALLY rescued me, at great cost, with greater love.

+ If I could change one thing about myself, I would change my tendency to dissociate/ struggle to process the sensory world. The "gaps/ voids" in my awareness & comprehension make daily life frustrating, confusing, & difficult. I want to be more present & engaged in life. Right now, it feels just out of reach.

+ Some bucket list items: GO TO GIMMELWALD and maybe live there for a year? / Write an orchestral piece and (help) conduct it / Publish >2 books / Screenplay a movie and get my mom in the lead role!! ♡ / ACTUALLY learn how to illustrate and/or animate?

+ Two things, uniquely mine, that I treasure: my flash drive with all my creative work saved on it, and my giant plush unicorn, Unisalia, who I received as a gift from my great-aunt, a Bernardine Franciscan nun, at age 3

+ How have I changed in the past 5 years: I am FAR less toxic, addicted, arrogant, and hopeless, thank God!! I'm determined to become mentally healthy & discern my TRUE self; I have grown so much in my faith, yet I humbly & joyfully recognize that I have forever more to grow & learn!

+ Notably, I don't like secrets. At some point I WILL share/ publicize everything; total candor & transparency is my value ideal.

+ Priorities for recovery life: discipline myself to say a daily rosary, chaplet, AND the Divine Office; continuously & courageously & consistently face my "fear foods" until they are SAFE and even enjoyed; get a lamp for my apartment for heaven's sakes; get more involved in my family and church

+ God just made me a sparkle-hearted weirdo goofball and I'm honestly learning to embrace & love that, at last.

+ I NEED to learn how to sit & be alone & quiet without feeling compelled to "accomplish something." Chill our broski!! You ARE accomplishing something-- you're resting & recharging your batteries, letting YOURSELF EXIST free from the constraints & compulsions of the world & daily life, AND you're entering into GOD'S language-territory... silence & solitude. It can be HOLY if you open your heart to MEET HIM IN IT. Learn to listen; the more honestly you try, the purer your heart will become, and you WILL hear Him speak-- "the wilderness will lead you..."-- for He is waiting for you there. He loves you. Let yourself feel that. You CANNOT truly serve OR pray OR work UNLESS you receive that enabling grace THROUGH opening your being to His Love, ENTIRELY. And you NEED silence & solitude, SEPARATE from the noise & crowds & worldly illusions, TO receive it-- THEN you can GIVE IT!!


prismaticbleed: (Default)


post-breakfast//

Blueberry poptart, brown sugar, oatmeal, raisins, soymilk, 2 creamers, vanilla chai tea

Firstly, STOP RUNNING & HIDING AT THE "THREAT" OF HAVING TO LEAD GOALS GROUP. The core fear seems to actually be, surprisingly, of SPEAKING-- not in the general sense, but in a PERSONAL sense. We are REALLY AFRAID of speaking AS A "RESPONSIVE" VOICE; it's why we hate askboxes & chats & IMs. We can GIVE data, BUT we CANNOT safely RESPOND TO PERSONALLY-DIRECTED QUESTIONS, NOR can we safely OFFER personal thoughts/ opinions/ experience data/ etc. BECAUSE THEN WE ARE FORCED TO PRESENT/ EXIST AS A UNIFIED, PERCEIVABLE "SELF" and that is still DEEPLY JARRING & DISTURBING to us. No wonder people used to call us a "robot"; life would be "free of fear, dissonance, offense, & egotism" if we WERE a "robot"; tragically. ...We, shockingly, HAVEN'T given that a lot of thought, despite our (HISTORICAL) love of robots. God help us there is SO much healing to do outside of eating, too. But MOM can help SO MUCH with BOTH. She's our mother. She KNOWS "ME." All the past I forgot, SHE REMEMBERS. All the missing pieces I've lost or that have been taken from me, SHE ALSO RECOGNIZES AS LOST, and so can help us REPLACE/ REPAIR according to the true pattern in her heart. And she KEPT all our Asimov novels, haha! Case in point. "Likes & dislikes," with food AND otherwise, DO speak about the vibe of one's unique soul, and they ARE important-- AND THEY DON'T OFFEND GOD!!! For heaven's sakes, LOOK AT CREATION. God created SO MANY KINDS of birds & fish & BEETLES, like He DELIGHTS in variation & uniqueness-- the Spirit PLAYING in the kaleidoscopic joy of the Father's Art, the glorious Divine Imagination manifested through the Word of the Son!! So DON'T BE ASHAMED OF HAVING a personality, of having a unique existence, of having "likes & dislikes"-- they AREN'T MORAL JUDGMENTS!!!

+ Vanilla chai DIDN'T trigger any memories today, but without creamer it's vaguely Christmasy?? (spices) Home coziness.
+ Raisins are ALMOST SAFE! Practicing appreciating their truth = sun-dried grapes. Thinking of vineyards in the Holy Land. Appreciating their taste vibe: notably indigo/ navy? Sweetness hits Pink, undertone Amber? Super interesting & very clear. NOT scary to eat today, just anxious, especially AT the sugar kick. But it's LIFE in the desert, condensed to endure & support despite hardship!
+ Mixed the brown sugar in oatmeal ENTIRELY. Surprised that we seem to like it? But initial nerves muted input via dissociation. We'll try again. Oatmeal itself is perfect plain, but the brown sugar gives a MELLOW, WARM, gentle sweetness that perfectly complements that neutral-cozy base. God bless.
+ In the end, we actually LIKED the blueberry PopTart! It tastes, bittersweetly, just like pie filling. Immediate grandma memories. Plus the thing itself is a KID FOOD, which gives a HARMLESS & SOFTHEARTED base vibe to the whole gentle yet optimistically bright thing. Perfect for a Saturday morning, actually!



post-lunch//

Chicken on bun (lovely, just don't add salt OR KETCHUP to it!!)
Rosemary potato wedges (grandma style ♥ take time to chew. ketchup helps)
Vanilla ice cream (like it! cold & soft & sweet. fear anchored to "ICE CREAM" as concept)
Double juice (cranapple perfect. it's red! fond of grape now. POWERFUL childhood vibes)




post-dinner//

Orange Sherbet (boardwalk creamsicle/ grandma popsicle memory. shockingly NO negatives)
Quinoa bowl (took ~25m to eat!! hit us how disordered the ingredient-picking is, especially ONE piece at a time. rice takes a WHILE to properly chew! so be wary. needed MORE salt this time; discretion key. ACTUALLY enjoyed it, even beans! initial "ingratitude complaint" about "no meat." WHY. bizarre shameful rebellious AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS. assert the truth instead. we ARE grateful & trusting!!! Jesus guided us the whole time and our timing was therefore PERFECT, unbelievably so. we trusted despite all odds. THAT'S GRACE
Roll & butter (ate butter side FIRST this time! stale but SUPER NICE to chew still!)


TWO PATIENTS HAD SOBBING MELTDOWNS. got SO empathy-sick that we ALMOST VOMITED & WANTED TO. felt total dread too; trapped, helpless. NO IDEA how to cope with that distress occurring around us; it's like we SWALLOW it & make it our own. SO confused; felt RESPONSIBLE TO HEAL IT



post-snack//

MINT TEA & blueberry poptart retry = actually SUPER comforting in texture, simplicity, & sweet. plus soothing soft indigo vibe, with white & brown accents. TEA WAS BEAUTIFUL ;_;

 


prismaticbleed: (soniccity)


pre-breakfast//

QUICK BUT ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL morning notes:
+ Emotional ROLLER COASTER w/ shower. MANIC SOCIAL thinking about "what music to pick if asked" (decided on Jackson 5); considering getting a Litwick plush if personally applicable. Internal upset AT mania; "I don't want to be like this" "this isn't me" BUT couldn't "stop." A different manic (Jack?? "David-Tennant-looking-ass"; flirty, invincible, "most popular man in the room" vibe?) took over hard; could NOT feel sad OR even acknowledge pain when an unseen internal Navy foni punched the leg TO try & feel both and/or switch!! This SPIKED mania as a "violent shutoff" for "not real/ legitimate" "negative" emotions? Demonic crazy grin on body, while near mirror. Seeing this face triggered vivid TBAS FLASHBACKS, CROWNED BY HAIRSTYLE: flattened sides & spiked top. Everything was unsafe; dysmorphia raging. Then, UNEXPECTEDLY: noticing wet & emphasized eyelashes = instantly changed ENTIRE overlay to FEMALE!!! New, positive, BALANCER foni appeared to match. RED-VIOLET "QUEEN"? FIRST SOLID ONE. Balancer; not manic or depressive, BUT acknowledging BOTH without being either! "Bittersweet" heart. Color like a wine glass or garnet in the light. Chose/ fit the name ALENA, from "Magdalena"-- female bodies STILL defined as "whores" REGARDLESS of fronter; Alena's hope was to signify HEALING, MERCY, FORGIVENESS, REDEMPTION from that specifically.
Wearing GLASSES changes overlay INSTANTLY. Alena cannot wear them, but (we hope) neither can Jack? The RED color of our glasses helps a TON. Also, MANICS CANNOT WEAR OUR MEDALS. They get angry & obstinate & rebel against "feeling chained down to the Cross." Alena said "that's the whole point." (Laurie EMPHATICALLY agrees.)
+ Momentary "blackout" between exiting bathroom & going to bedroom window; hallmark of "social context" automatic dissociation
+ Sunrise. Simple ROYGBIV muted gradient; no clouds. BUT it's the second day of autumn and it must be cold at last because what did we see but CHIMNEY SMOKE!!! ♥ First REAL sign that the season has switched too!
↑ LAURIE came out, to elaborate that thought; we couldn't find the "right" word-- she asked Shirley & Sirius for help and they BRIEFLY FRONTED to speak with her! Words like "harbinger," "signpost," "indicator" didn't fit. Laurie said "messenger," then laughed & concluded, "chimney angels."
+
↑ Brief mention of Q with "chimney sweep muses" art. "No hatred" but lingering fear towards him for 2012, despite lingering affection as well. "Father FORGIVE them for they KNOW NOT." Same with OV; we pity them? BUT STILL LOVE & MISS them deep down, WITHOUT denying the pain & damage & fear & anger & NEED to forgive. But we DO love them, both of them, which ENABLES forgiveness!!!
(btw GIVE THIS TO INFI; ze holds the CORE TRAUMA from CNC and ze is AFRAID TO EXIST still, even now, because of it. Ze NEEDS to come back & BE with us; without hir heart we CANNOT ACTUALLY HEAL!!!)
Apparently we have DIFFERENT ARCHIVISTS AND DATA "COMMUNICATORS" FOR MANAGEMENT OF EMOTIONAL VS LOGICAL (FACTUAL) DATA!!! Depending on what KIND of information it is, ONLY CERTAIN NOUSFONI CAN PROCESS/ SPEAK/ WRITE IT!!! Warm vs cool "undertones," typically. Shirley & Sirius fit this. ALSO there is a "neutral Gray" Archivist we THOUGHT was "Quicksilver" because they're BOTH a darker gunmetal gray, but Quick was NOT neutral. This guy-- who spoke briefly to both Alana (in the washroom) and our typical "emote-data writer" (me!! ♥)-- is currently vibing with the name "Sterling." (That's close enough to "Stellar," haha!) So we'll see what our future holds with getting to know him & all the other nousfoni who may/do hold those roles, as they obviously DO exist, but we never had the means to SEE or even KNOW they COULD/ DID exist until now, this morning!
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE between an ANCHOR and a ROOT! An "anchor" is something PUT DOWN to hold someone firmly in that specific place; a ROOT is something one GROWS FROM as an initial locked-in place!!
+ Brief return to the sunrise-- the "warm color" gradient DISTURBED us, AS ALWAYS. Reminded us of "westerns." Why that intense, ancient fear for both? "Jess" came out (!!)

sunrise beauty: what we instinctively & viscerally recognize AS beauty, finds its ORIGIN & DEFINITION IN THE FACE OF CHRIST JESUS!!! When I look at Him, I see BEAUTY, literally PERFECTED.
Things ARE ONLY "beautiful" BECAUSE something in them ECHOES Christ's beauty. When I look at Him, I see everything that I label AS beautiful in the sunrise, but CLEARLY, ESSENTIALLY-- not "through a glass darkly."
THAT'S WHY HEAVEN IS THE BEATIFIC VISION; all Creation is just dim reflection of (and yearning for) that true, absolute, complete, real, total bliss.

+ Group recommending "fidget objects" for coping = we've NEVER TRIED them because we label "stimming" as SILLY? like, "why even try it; physical "coping" isn't legitimate." BUT OUR SYMPTOMS ARE!!! SO why NOT meet them on that same level? HONESTLY DO TRY THEM, TO STOP JUDGING/ ALIENATING OTHERS at least!!


post-breakfast//

Cornflakes, blueberry muffin, banana, egg, apple juice, soymilk, french vanilla tea, 2 creamer, 1 s&p.

MUFFIN)
Thoughts of mom! ♥ No fear after that. Alana caught the unique blue/red vibe of the berries and TRIED to front to taste it, but she can't come out while eating (OR with glasses on)-- that would distort her function! But she appreciated the idea. Note: don't put fingers in mouth to "get crumbs."

CORNFLAKES)
HEALED!!! BY CO-FRONTING. "Red & blue" socials-- soygirl & a magenta (?) who KNEW the job! ALSO DAD!!! Talking to him HELPED SO MUCH. "Soymilk is too sweet for me, but it's good for you-- you're just as sweet yourself!" "Sugar isn't bad; it's a great source of energy, and it'll give you all the extra push you need to do all your running today." Soy said the very thought of work made HER exhausted emotionally. "I want to work but I get so overwhelmed & I burn out." Magenta sister replied "Then I'll do that work for you! You don't have to push yourself to do anything that's going to hurt you. I'll do the burny work; you can do the quieter thoughtful important things, like the sweeping & stocking shelves. We still need & want your help! Just do what's meant for YOU, and I'll do what's not!" Dad added: "I'll talk to your boss and let her know to let you rest like that if you get overwhelmed. They don't want you burning yourself out either; I know I sure don't! I don't want to see you looking so sad & tired all the time! I care about you, Jessie, and so do the people you work with. They'd all be happy to help you, so don't be afraid to ask. (There's nothing wrong with asking for help!)" Lots of hugs and "I love you"s. Soymilk now POSITIVE but not the cornflakes? Mentioned. Dad: "You know the Native Americans grew corn as a staple crop. They used it for everything; it kept them alive when winter came. You're the same way. You're sweet & give people energy like the soymilk, but you're also soft & strong like the cornflakes. You can help keep people alive, too, by giving of yourself. People need what you have to give them, Jessie, and God made you just the way you are for that reason. Just like your breakfast." She was SO DEEPLY COMFORTED. Her color reflected the pure serene blue of a calm sky.
HOWEVER. Two more things! First, the "vibe" of the cereal as a whole is NOT BLUE-- its true inherent tone DOESN'T VIBE WITH HER, OR HER SISTER! It's gold, a RARE Yellow-group POSITIVE food combo (Soymilk ITSELF is neutral-ish? COLD leans blue; vanilla leans yellow?) that no one concretely matches (yet). SO. We told her, she doesn't HAVE to anchor to it! Its association has CHANGED now, via healing, AS HAS HERS-- her old memory anchor is now ONLY a memory; the "reality" has CHANGED and so remembering what WAS now INCLUDES a golden ray of FUTURE HOPE that actively renews the healing and PREVENTS getting stuck in old, now-nonexistent contexts! Yes, at that time in history, we WERE miserable. BUT NOW we have infused that time AS PERSONAL PAST with HOPE & TRUTH, and so even if literal history CANNOT be changed, SPIRITUAL "NOW" CAN CHANGE HOW THAT HISTORY UNFOLDS. Therefore, NOTHING in our past is a "death sentence." There is ALWAYS FORGIVENESS, ALWAYS a chance for MERCY & REDEMPTION. The Cross, too, occurred at only one historical point, but spiritually it is FOREVER-- and AS SANCTIFICATION & GRACE!!! Death was defeated in time ONCE, and so now FOREVER it is POWERLESS! So too with our past trauma. The Crucifixion DID happen, bloody & horrific. That's FACT, and cannot be changed. BUT, outside of linear time, that SAME event unfolds in LOVE & HOPE unto ETERNITY-- an event ALL SOULS can & DO participate in RIGHT NOW!! So that mercy & forgiveness can & do TANGIBLY, PERSONALLY, ACTIVELY redeem ALL people. Likewise, in our linear Now, we can send our healing love & mercy & forgiveness-- FROM CHRIST-- to ALL our past times & selves as PART of our NOW, & heal them FOREVER.

BANANA)
Fear food= trauma suggestion, tied to elephants & monkeys, associated w/ Jade. Put all that aside & focused on the GOD-CREATED WONDER of its pure existence: the texture, the way it shimmers in light, the seeds! Fruit's existence in general is fascinating. God is SO Good. That helped us refocus. We also DIDN'T cut it off, remove the peel entirely, OR bite/eat the peel!

EGG)
Again, SO much nicer plain. The s&p are COMPULSIVE; try NOT using them. "But salt is holy!" NOT IF IT'S BEING ABUSED VIA COMPULSION!! If you feel "obligated" to eat it-- EAT, not "season"-- then DON'T. That's "opposite action" coping! It helps you REGAIN PROPER CONTROL over your compromised willpower. Right now, we're a slave to seasoning. We "can't" say no to it! And that's NOT A MORAL DECISION-- IT'S AN ADDICTION. Conscience doesn't go into moral panic if it doesn't put salt on a meal just because Jesus told a parable about it. Guess what? THAT'S IDOLATRY!! You're so focused on the literal SALT, you MISSED THE ENTIRE POINT. So yeah, honestly, "fasting" from salt right now WOULD be the "morally proper" decision! Regain the freedom to CHOOSE that God created you with!! Honor Him with it!
+ The new girl on the unit is a KID, and her being so upset triggered out NIER. He was deeply upset by her thinness; he wanted to feed her the eggs his chickens laid to make her healthy & strong. Ate it for her. REALLY locked in sense data?? Just from having a CONCRETE PERSON eat, not just an "observer" of memory! REMEMBER THAT! Nousfoni do help immensely, but the ULTIMATE goal is to be able to CONSCIOUSLY eat as ONE CORE SELF, whoever the true "me" is, without switching for every food-- BUT that means we NEED A SOLID CORE SENSE OF "SELF," FIRST!!! Hence all the historical self-memory healing we're focusing on. Who "I" was as a child is REAL. There's a true heart in there somewhere. God help us find it.

FRENCH VANILLA TEA)
Surprisingly warm & mellow, like the blue tootsie rolls! Too yellow in tone to match our core, BUT!!! Instead of b&w "like or dislike" compulsive automatic judgments, we REALIZED: yeah it's not OUR vibe, BUT IT IS SOMEONE ELSE'S-- someone HUMAN!!!! Other people like different things from us, which we personally "can't grasp" FROM AN ISOLATED PERSPECTIVE. BUT once we EXPERIENCE this different data, WE CAN EMPATHIZE, UNDERSTAND, & HAVE COMMUNION WITH THEIR UNIQUENESS: "if they vibe with THIS, then their SOUL has a vibe like this" = WE CAN KNOW THEIR SOUL BETTER, & SHARE IN THEIR EXPERIENCES.




post-lunch//

Pizza, Greek salad, ranch dressing, orange juice, 1 parmesan, 2 salt 3 pepper, 2 tea 2 creamer

Realized our perspective is: "You CAN FAIL AT EATING." We set "arbitrary" rules and if we mess up even a little, we feel UTTERLY DEVASTATED & COMPELLED TO "START OVER" & "DO IT RIGHT"... "OR ELSE." That FEAR of real but unspecified PUNISHMENT is SO POWERFUL and RE-TRIGGERS THE BULIMIC "EMERGENCY EXIT" RESPONSE. It ALSO explains why we RESTRICT: EVERY meal is another RISK, a chance to FAIL and SUFFER FOR IT-- AS A BAD PERSON. Our "failure" to do right means WE must BE "wrong"!! "Bad people do bad things!" So "failure" is DAMNING & UNACCEPTABLE.
+ We thought, "you can't drink OJ with pizza. At home, the family ONLY drank GRAPE juice with pizza." SO, "if I don't drink grape juice with it, I HAVE FAILED TO DO THE RIGHT THING." therefore I feel COMPELLED to THROW IT UP and START OVER RIGHT!!
We turn every meal into a MORALITY PERFORMANCE with impossible choreography. So we either AVOID the risk, OR we try to purge every failure-- which ALWAYS happened with that mindset!! It's TERRIFYING. If we "choose wrong" we are DAMNED. We've DISOBEYED, so we SINNED, by REBELLING AGAINST GOD'S DIRECTION and being willfully obstinate.
PURGING "RESTORED" OUR PURITY, BOTH MORALLY & PHYSICALLY. It was our confessional & our absolution. Only emptiness was safe/ Good, in the end. ALL eating became too morally ambiguous/ threatening, as we COULD and DID ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING TO CONDEMN, therefore MANDATING the penitential purge-- or else, WE WOULD LITERALLY "GO TO HELL"-- at least physiologically. And it WAS hell, every single day.
Related to breakfast data: "LIKE/ DISLIKE" feels morally wrong, YET eating something that we intuitively "don't "enjoy"" feels DISTURBING to our SENSE OF SELF. We feel like, if we "don't like pizza," BUT still eat it, then "WHO ARE WE, REALLY??" We "can't resonate with two opposing responses!!" But see? We DON'T SEE IT AS "INNOCENT" PREFERENCE/ OPINION, EITHER. Dislike = REJECTION of others WHOSE SOULS DO RESONATE WITH IT. But TO eat that thing that DOESN'T harmonize with our core is a TRAUMATIC "OVERRIDE" OF SELFHOOD: an external "virus" trying to REWRITE who we ARE at heart. It's INTENSELY PERSONAL. THAT'S WHY THERE'S SO MUCH TRAUMA TIED TO "PEOPLE-PLEASING/ IMITATIVE EATING" = we LOSE OURSELF in PHYSIOLOGICALLY "IDENTIFYING WITH/ AS" THE OTHER by eating THEIR favorite foods obsessively. And why? Because, IF we love them OR WANT to love them, WE CANNOT "REJECT" THEM (OR SAY "NO" TO THEM; also rejection)!!! ALL "OPPOSITION" TO THEIR SELFHOOD IS UNACCEPTABLE. Our "only option" is to LIKE/ IDENTIFY WITH EVERYTHING THEY DO.
THAT is why, right now in recovery, we NEED "food socials" of a hyperspecialized sort-- nousfoni whose vibes are ROOTED in the vibes of ANY & IDEALLY ALL FOODS that are dissonant with the "core" self! THAT way, we can both HAVE a self, AND "match/ meet" the self of others! NO refusal, NO boundaries, NO dissonance, NO conflict.
↑ All that hit HARD for lunch. The salad had feta cheese (Jade), olives & banana peppers (OV), tomatoes (grandma), and ranch dressing (unknown but possibly also OV). And we, idiotically, added parmesan (Lou/ grandpa). So we were a MESS mentally. We dissociated HARD because the sheer NOISE of data sources was so overwhelming. Plus we think we had a pollen allergy response to the lettuce (again)?? Muscle tics, breathing restricted, itchy, stuffy nose. So we're scared & sick on top of all that. But, splinters of the Cross. Carry it humbly.
Pizza is NOT our vibe AT ALL but so many people DO love it; it's SUCH a huge barrier between us & our community. It seems like EVERYONE likes pizza, so if WE don't, we are EXCLUDED from "everyone." WE ARE SO HEARTBROKEN/ UPSET/ TERRIFIED over that. But we still cannot seem to MAKE ourselves like it? We WANT to, ESPECIALLY since it was GRANDMA'S LAST MEAL!!!!! if we don't SHARE in that... we would rather die. So we MUST like pizza, AS OURSELF. Yes I'm sure we can "birth" a nousfoni for it (there are ALREADY "old Italian matron" seeds) BUT THAT WOULD DEFEAT THE WHOLE PIZZA = COMMUNITY MEAL point. Church outings, childhood parties, dinner at Mom's, post-church Lawrence Welk memories-- ALL of it involves PEOPLE TOGETHER and WE need to be "ME" in order TO participate!!!
Unfortunately there IS pizza trauma. Tomato sauce between bread & cheese looks like blood oozing from a garish place. And it is MESSY, with that gore getting on one's fingers. It's EXPLICIT trauma similarity. Plus MC & OV always ate it, AND it's a binge-suffocation terror trigger. But THOSE EXPERIENCES DO NOT CHANGE THE TRUTH OF REALITY, which is that those negative associations AREN'T DEFINITIVE OR PERMANENT! Beneath & beyond that, there is a pure & simple EXISTENCE, from which CHRIST bestows ALL food as HIS GIFT, forever untouched by human fears.
INSTEAD of "switching out with" food-vibe nousfoni in order TO eat those foods, EAT WITH THEM IN COMMUNION!!! That is the IDEAL option for EVERYONE-- it preserves core individuality, enables direct empathy, practices social eating contexts, etc. Share their heart WITH them, and share YOURS-- so you can do that PHYSICALLY with your fellow man! DO ALL OF IT WITH COMPASSION.



post-dinner//

Breaded pork chops with gravy; mashed potatoes; butter; shortbread cookies; whole milk; 3 salt & 3 pepper; 2 tea 2 creamer

PORK)
Surprisingly lovely. Soft, nice texture, and purely positive flavor! We expected trauma, but found NONE. Thanks be to God! (Mom later told me SHE had pork chops for dinner, too, which warmed my heart SO MUCH. ♥ That's COMMUNION even now, and future hope!)

POTATOES)
According to direction, we put the butter ON the potatoes-- which was actually a SMART & PROPER action that we would never have chosen on our own (which is WHY obedience & trust are KEY), because the butterfat SLOWS THE GLUCOSE SPIKE potatoes always seem to give!! THAT'S why people put butter & sour cream & bacon on them!! See? Our compulsive hyper-individualizing of ingredients is PRACTICALLY UNHEALTHY. Still, SO is hyper-mixing! There is a WISE & prudent middle ground, the "straight & narrow path." Seek that even ground and walk with Him. ALSO! Even if it turns unexpectedly, it is STILL CLEAR; there are no tumultuous shifts or swerves. The end goal is CERTAIN-- God Himself as our King and Love-- and with Christ ALWAYS walking with us as both Leader & Companion, we CANNOT get lost or confused or misdirected. No matter WHAT we may face in life, IF we just TRUST Him and OBEY His guidance, our feet shall not slip; we shall remain on that sure & sacred road.

LORNADOONE SHORTBREAD)
We were literally JUST thinking about Saint Nicholas (Santa Claus) being a PERFECT example of "fat ≠ bad; even SAINTS CAN BE FAT", and then we get milk & cookies! Gosh it's actually so heartwarming. It makes me look forward to Christmas with even MORE joy!! ♥ They were SHOCKINGLY delicious, both in taste & texture! It was unexpectedly so, so nice. There's also NO immediate association, so it was a pure experience. A NOTE, though-- DON'T take a sip of the milk WITH the cookie in your mouth! It feels messy & undignified, AND it increases choking risk, PLUS it muddles the data way too much. We should really focus on mindfully, prayerfully, gratefully paying honest attention to ONE thing at a time while we learn & heal.



post-snack//

Harvest cheddar Sun Chips.
Thinking about ORANGE: EMBER DAYS, SUNSETS, etc. LIST!!
harvest = bounty of God's fruits, memento mori-- "oil in lamps," thanksgiving TRULY. prepare to preserve life through winter; God feeds His obedient children.
cheese = MILK, at heart! AGED, "to feed her children still when she, too, is old"; feeds children in winter when there is no literal "birth"? CRONE sacredness, as it were. perpetuated motherhood nurturing. cheese an ANCIENT common food anyway. DON'T DENY-- WE DO LIKE IT TOO!!
"dirty" cancelled BY JESUS!! "eat WITH sinners"; vs ALOOF PHARISEE "CLEAN." Jesus would absolutely get chip dust on His fingers right with the poor!

+ HAD to mostly open bag to prevent filthy hands from reaching in. not ready yet. DID challenge obsessive "order"/ crumbing. "LEAVE THE GLEANINGS" & treasure EACH bite; no "HAVE to" eat certain pieces. MORE FREEDOM OF CHOICE RESTORED! also, NO biting INTO chips; that's mincing. Eat normal; don't be too proud to laugh at yourself if you drop a piece, WITHOUT going into "animal" mode!! BE MEEK WITH HONOR!

 

Profile

prismaticbleed: (Default)
prismaticbleed

June 2025

S M T W T F S
1234567
89101112 1314
15161718192021
22232425262728
2930     

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 3rd, 2025 04:36 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios