UPMC journal 092422

[prismaticbleed]

post-breakfast//

Blueberry poptart, brown sugar, oatmeal, raisins, soymilk, 2 creamers, vanilla chai tea

✳ Firstly, STOP RUNNING & HIDING AT THE "THREAT" OF HAVING TO LEAD GOALS GROUP. The core fear seems to actually be, surprisingly, of SPEAKING-- not in the general sense, but in a PERSONAL sense. We are REALLY AFRAID of speaking AS A "RESPONSIVE" VOICE; it's why we hate askboxes & chats & IMs. We can GIVE data, BUT we CANNOT safely RESPOND TO PERSONALLY-DIRECTED QUESTIONS, NOR can we safely OFFER personal thoughts/ opinions/ experience data/ etc. BECAUSE THEN WE ARE FORCED TO PRESENT/ EXIST AS A UNIFIED, PERCEIVABLE "SELF" and that is still DEEPLY JARRING & DISTURBING to us. No wonder people used to call us a "robot"; life would be "free of fear, dissonance, offense, & egotism" if we WERE a "robot"; tragically. ...We, shockingly, HAVEN'T given that a lot of thought, despite our (HISTORICAL) love of robots. God help us there is SO much healing to do outside of eating, too. But MOM can help SO MUCH with BOTH. She's our mother. She KNOWS "ME." All the past I forgot, SHE REMEMBERS. All the missing pieces I've lost or that have been taken from me, SHE ALSO RECOGNIZES AS LOST, and so can help us REPLACE/ REPAIR according to the true pattern in her heart. And she KEPT all our Asimov novels, haha! Case in point. "Likes & dislikes," with food AND otherwise, DO speak about the vibe of one's unique soul, and they ARE important-- AND THEY DON'T OFFEND GOD!!! For heaven's sakes, LOOK AT CREATION. God created SO MANY KINDS of birds & fish & BEETLES, like He DELIGHTS in variation & uniqueness-- the Spirit PLAYING in the kaleidoscopic joy of the Father's Art, the glorious Divine Imagination manifested through the Word of the Son!! So DON'T BE ASHAMED OF HAVING a personality, of having a unique existence, of having "likes & dislikes"-- they AREN'T MORAL JUDGMENTS!!!

+ Vanilla chai DIDN'T trigger any memories today, but without creamer it's vaguely Christmasy?? (spices) Home coziness.
+ Raisins are ALMOST SAFE! Practicing appreciating their truth = sun-dried grapes. Thinking of vineyards in the Holy Land. Appreciating their taste vibe: notably indigo/ navy? Sweetness hits Pink, undertone Amber? Super interesting & very clear. NOT scary to eat today, just anxious, especially AT the sugar kick. But it's LIFE in the desert, condensed to endure & support despite hardship!
+ Mixed the brown sugar in oatmeal ENTIRELY. Surprised that we seem to like it? But initial nerves muted input via dissociation. We'll try again. Oatmeal itself is perfect plain, but the brown sugar gives a MELLOW, WARM, gentle sweetness that perfectly complements that neutral-cozy base. God bless.
+ In the end, we actually LIKED the blueberry PopTart! It tastes, bittersweetly, just like pie filling. Immediate grandma memories. Plus the thing itself is a KID FOOD, which gives a HARMLESS & SOFTHEARTED base vibe to the whole gentle yet optimistically bright thing. Perfect for a Saturday morning, actually!



post-lunch//

Chicken on bun (lovely, just don't add salt OR KETCHUP to it!!)
Rosemary potato wedges (grandma style ♥ take time to chew. ketchup helps)
Vanilla ice cream (like it! cold & soft & sweet. fear anchored to "ICE CREAM" as concept)
Double juice (cranapple perfect. it's red! fond of grape now. POWERFUL childhood vibes)



post-dinner//

Orange Sherbet (boardwalk creamsicle/ grandma popsicle memory. shockingly NO negatives)
Quinoa bowl (took ~25m to eat!! hit us how disordered the ingredient-picking is, especially ONE piece at a time. rice takes a WHILE to properly chew! so be wary. needed MORE salt this time; discretion key. ACTUALLY enjoyed it, even beans! initial "ingratitude complaint" about "no meat." WHY. bizarre shameful rebellious AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS. assert the truth instead. we ARE grateful & trusting!!! Jesus guided us the whole time and our timing was therefore PERFECT, unbelievably so. we trusted despite all odds. THAT'S GRACE ♥
Roll & butter (ate butter side FIRST this time! stale but SUPER NICE to chew still!)

✳TWO PATIENTS HAD SOBBING MELTDOWNS. got SO empathy-sick that we ALMOST VOMITED & WANTED TO. felt total dread too; trapped, helpless. NO IDEA how to cope with that distress occurring around us; it's like we SWALLOW it & make it our own. SO confused; felt RESPONSIBLE TO HEAL IT



post-snack//

MINT TEA & blueberry poptart retry = actually SUPER comforting in texture, simplicity, & sweet. plus soothing soft indigo vibe, with white & brown accents. TEA WAS BEAUTIFUL ;_;