upmc food choice fear notes
Oct. 4th, 2022 04:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
prismaticbleed(uploading this solely for the amount of distorted thought processes/ sheer panic/ memory interference PROOF recorded here, for when ignorant socials deny that there is a disorder here)
(we were expected to eat ALL of these foods at some point during inpatient treatment, to "challenge our disorder" and "prove we COULD eat them" (a VERY toxic mindset in and of itself). we therefore wrote down WHY doing so was terrifying to us.)
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CEREAL FEARS (by increasing terror):
CHEERIOS = "hell aftertaste." old binge food.
RICE KRISPIES = "maggot fear." also SOUND = ATTENTION.
FROSTED FLAKES = SUGAR content panic! "punishment" for eating; they're for Astra, NOT you". SCARED of drinking sugar milk.
CINNAMON CHEX = "rice clog" fear again, ALSO sugar panic. scared of "cinnamon overdose." OLD "POST-HOSPITAL" BINGE FOOD.
★"BLOOD VOMIT" INCIDENT WAS WITH THIS!!!
+ Whole milk instead of soy INREASES FEAR!!!
CHOCOLATE FEARS
MINT NUGO = "Kris" AND "SLC" trauma ties. Green/black also tied to Jade trauma.
CHOC NUGO = "Chocolate chip cookie" guilt. "Bad girl" fear. "NOT FOR YOU!" Eating feels overindulgent; "punishment is due."
PRETZ NUGO = General chocolate anxiety. Vague "shame" over pretzels as a concept; "dirty food" as they were always stale/ dusty/ buggy at home
CH. MILK = PURE TERROR, still. Possibly from sugar syrup taste plus the cocoa (which is terrifying by itself). Jade trauma HITS. Almost unbearable.
CH ENSURE = "Ensure vomit" trauma.
ICE CREAM SND = Choking binge food. Disturbed by mess-- melting over hands, biting spills, chocolate biscuit sticks to hands & teeth. "Body horror" feeling from filth. Summer/ POOL panic, humiliation. Depression food? Guilt/ shame/ fear/ filth associations.
OTHER LINGERING FEARS
BANANA = tied to Jade trauma, AND dirty jokes by TAS/ TBAS. Also tied to weird elephant/ monkey phobias. "Sugar panic" from traumatic blood sugar morning w/ ambulance. Tons of negative cultural infection. Manner of eating is highly disturbing.
APPLESAUCE = family dinner dread. Deep humiliation? Childhood roots to fear.
CANTALOUPE = Kitchen rot trauma. Got sick from it often. Also residual "spelling bee" shame?
PINEAPPLE = Childhood "allergy itchy" panic fear. Disturbing SLC memory stuck in the kitchen & FORCED to eat it in close quarters; invasive. "Yellow" fear. "Sour = stomach agony" fear.
HONEY = binge terror. "glucose spike" panic. STICKY; "filthy." TBAS association, subtle. Also sexual associations w/ dirty indulgence & gross luxury. Bear trope = "Fat, dangerous, lazy glutton" fear.
SYRUP = PANCAKE TRAUMA; the two are currently FUSED.
GR. JELLY = food drive "destruction binge" fear. also the "sandwich psychosis" night terror.
SUGAR = TBAS "bad dog" fear; bingeing, hidden in closet. General sexuality association. Tastes like bleach/death.
MUSTARD = allergy panic. "Yellow" fear. "Alice in wonderland" anxiety??? "Fairground" terror associations.
+ Whole milk instead of soy INREASES FEAR!!!
CHOCOLATE FEARS
MINT NUGO = "Kris" AND "SLC" trauma ties. Green/black also tied to Jade trauma.
CHOC NUGO = "Chocolate chip cookie" guilt. "Bad girl" fear. "NOT FOR YOU!" Eating feels overindulgent; "punishment is due."
PRETZ NUGO = General chocolate anxiety. Vague "shame" over pretzels as a concept; "dirty food" as they were always stale/ dusty/ buggy at home
CH. MILK = PURE TERROR, still. Possibly from sugar syrup taste plus the cocoa (which is terrifying by itself). Jade trauma HITS. Almost unbearable.
CH ENSURE = "Ensure vomit" trauma.
ICE CREAM SND = Choking binge food. Disturbed by mess-- melting over hands, biting spills, chocolate biscuit sticks to hands & teeth. "Body horror" feeling from filth. Summer/ POOL panic, humiliation. Depression food? Guilt/ shame/ fear/ filth associations.
OTHER LINGERING FEARS
BANANA = tied to Jade trauma, AND dirty jokes by TAS/ TBAS. Also tied to weird elephant/ monkey phobias. "Sugar panic" from traumatic blood sugar morning w/ ambulance. Tons of negative cultural infection. Manner of eating is highly disturbing.
APPLESAUCE = family dinner dread. Deep humiliation? Childhood roots to fear.
CANTALOUPE = Kitchen rot trauma. Got sick from it often. Also residual "spelling bee" shame?
PINEAPPLE = Childhood "allergy itchy" panic fear. Disturbing SLC memory stuck in the kitchen & FORCED to eat it in close quarters; invasive. "Yellow" fear. "Sour = stomach agony" fear.
HONEY = binge terror. "glucose spike" panic. STICKY; "filthy." TBAS association, subtle. Also sexual associations w/ dirty indulgence & gross luxury. Bear trope = "Fat, dangerous, lazy glutton" fear.
SYRUP = PANCAKE TRAUMA; the two are currently FUSED.
GR. JELLY = food drive "destruction binge" fear. also the "sandwich psychosis" night terror.
SUGAR = TBAS "bad dog" fear; bingeing, hidden in closet. General sexuality association. Tastes like bleach/death.
MUSTARD = allergy panic. "Yellow" fear. "Alice in wonderland" anxiety??? "Fairground" terror associations.
