prismaticbleed | UPMC journal 100822 (Reply)

post-breakfast//

Breakfast trouble: freaking out & CRYING over "NOT being allowed to CHOOSE our fluid amounts." Triggered old "abusive control" trauma memories with TBAS & TAS. I can't remember how exactly it resolved, except that we were ultimately allowed to redistribute the water in the cups, albeit ashamedly and thoroughly humiliated. (we were firmly chastised AND forgiven. it was humbling. from now on, DON'T SPLIT FLUIDS. COMMIT to one OR two-- NOT "half & half!")
We DID try the honey again, putting some in the tea (green) AND oatmeal, but I DON'T like the taste, so no more of it. We ALSO were brave & mixed ALL the raisins in the oatmeal-- our one mistake was putting some of the brown sugar in the coffee. Don't do that!! We already put one white sugar in, PLUS two creamers, & even then the sugar was too much! The brown sugar just "muddies" the taste with TOO MUCH BROWN, and a differing tone, too? Warmer & lighter. But it DOESN'T WORK, PLUS it's DISORDERED, so STOP THAT. Besides not actually liking the honey-- EVEN THOUGH we TRIED to force ourselves to, "for grandma"-- the raisins DID TASTE/ FEEL SO MUCH NICER in the oatmeal! They start to taste more like actual grapes again! So that was nice. Our input was hindered by both our nerves & the honey, but GOD remembers & He showed us! ♥ We also asked for His help with the strawberry PopTart, which we noticed we were "circling" and STOPPED! ♥ So that was another victory for obedient propriety-- a little "penance" in restitution for our fluid-control stubbornness. It tastes "sharper/ brighter" than literal strawberries; it's saturated & leaning slightly warm? Ah! It's closer to "firm" strawberries, NOT soft ones-- the riper they get, the sweeter & more blue" they lean. I forgot their flavor could evolve & vary like that! Now we know. (btw ALL flavors are affected by white sugar overlay; it's like turning up white noise? literally "crystallizes" on top of flavortone; "soft-point sharpness" that MUTES actual sharp/ vibrant tones with itself. WATER combats this; it's why raisins "MELLOW OUT" & become "less sharp" in the oatmeal-- plain, the intense sweetness registers almost like a bright pink flash; it's NOT there with the oats; it mellows almost to a redviolet undertone) This morning we ALSO had an added CS-- a STRAWBERRY SUNDAE. FOR BREAKFAST. That's my ONE BIG COMPLAINT about this program: the breakfasts are absolute sugarbombs! And yes I DID get quite sick and want to puke/ pass out. NEVERTHELESS, I MUST "keep an attitude of gratitude" and TRUST GOD'S WISE PROVIDENCE, EVEN IN THIS. God knew I'd be eating a breakfast sundae, AND He TOOK THAT FULLY INTO HIS PLAN FOR TODAY!! God cannot be hindered or confounded, especially not by one of HIS OWN CREATIONS, which sugar & ice cream & strawberries ALL ARE. So give your worries to Him, too, and receive His Peace through FAITH in His Goodness, at ALL TIMES. So about that sundae. We did have to stop briefly to answer Staff's questions-- which TOTALLY severed our focus & made us dissociate in order TO talk, forcing us to "restart" the process of "concentrating/ processing" input all over again. So we were very shaken off-center. Still, we practiced acceptance & mercy, forgiving her "interruption" (how selfish our thought!!) and reminding ourself that she ONLY did so TO be aware of/ considerate of our needs, AND just like with the water, WE NEED TO RELINQUISH OUR OBSESSIVE ADDICTION TO, & COMPULSION TO CONTROL the "predictability" & "stability" of ANY situation!! IT'S NOT SUPPOSED to be in "our control!! THAT'S IDOLATRY. It's also stupid, because God knows I have NO idea what the actual consequences/ effects OF my vain efforts to control things even ARE, and CAN'T know, because that's ONLY POSSIBLE FOR GOD!!! So be humble & LET GO. TRUST GOD'S DIRECTION & SOVEREIGNTY, and ROLL WITH IT. That's the ONLY way, AND the BEST way, to face EVERYTHING. PARTICIPATE with His Will, and you WILL find joy, even in the most unexpected circumstances!

post-group//

+ Some quick post-group notes, talking about family trauma/ how or loved ones respond/ contribute to eating disorder behaviors.
✳ Trauma objectification & body image terror. "Small/ safe/ innocent/ pure" tied to PREPUBESCENT shape & weight; recovery terror at gaining an ADULT body shape: "locked in" to trauma (assumption). // Everything else is understandably forgiveable, & manageable; but sxtrauma is STILL horrifying, but buried.