UPMC journal 100722

[prismaticbleed]

post-breakfast//

Quick breakfast notes: Apples, apple juice, & the muffin are COMPLETELY SAFE now & actually enjoyable! I must admit there IS still a strange lingering "anxious" bit to the juice, but it FEELS baseless now, not just "reasonably" illogical. Obviously, there's still some dregs of an old unresolved fear there, one tied to autumn AND Jade's illness, and possibly binge trauma. So there IS a fair amount of stuff we KNOW we still have to work through-- and although it IS all legit, it is NOTABLE how minimal the "panic" reaction has become, for apples in general! Yes, we USED to greatly enjoy them-- they're RED/ WHITE and crunchy, after all-- but trauma dinged them up a little. Nothing that prayer & gracious effort can't fix! But ALSO notably is that, unsurprisingly, the "yellower" apples taste, the more nerves get agitated. Again, trauma/ disturbance. I need to write it out. But the muffin is lovely & harmless (apples MIGHT be generally "safened" when paired w/ starch??? See!). So are EGGS! I genuinely enjoyed its plain simplicity today; it DOES NOT taste like scrambled, EVEN tasting both the yolk & white together. That's fascinating! It proves that "PAIRING" & "COMBINING" are DIFFERENT in how they register!! Tasting components together is NOT THE SAME as tasting them "as one"-- the UNITY, the transformation of distinction vs fusion, is key. Think about that more in realtime AS we face it, & perhaps reflect on/ write about it; but DON'T OBSESS. It's cool data, but I CAN "get lost" in just data; the ultimate goal here is to USE this new understanding TO HELP US HEAL & GROW, by understanding why/ how our brain processes things AND preventing/ healing BOTH past & potential trauma/ disorder THROUGH wisely applying that understanding to this recovery process & journey. "Data for the sake of data" becomes mere trivia; UNLESS utilized edifyingly, it is useless. ON THAT NOTE! I ate in the kitchen today!! So I was VIGILANT about not acting in a disordered manner! But it was HUMBLING to resultingly SEE all the bad habits I STILL have-- humbling but GRACIOUSLY so, by definition. I still "shook out every drop" from the soymilk. I still attempted to scrape off crumbs to eat from the muffin wrapper. I still tried to "eat around" the butter to "save it for last." I still tried to break pieces off with my hands. I still ate most of the cereal "one piece at a time." I still poured soymilk into the coffee. HOWEVER!! I DIDN'T lick my packets or scrape lids. I DIDN'T eat things out of the packets. I DID spread the butter on half the muffin. I DID halve the muffin vertically, not horizontally. And I DID put the apple jelly ON the muffin and bite it WITH the muffin!! So THAT was a great small accomplishment! AND, since I DIDN'T do any shameful/ guilty behaviors-- at least, not in that regard-- I WAS able to taste it! I realized I CANNOT be expecting ALL apple stuff to taste the same-- there are DOZENS of kinds of apples & they ALL taste different! The jelly, in that respect, is NOT a "red apple" taste-- it's more like a Golden one. Sweeter & softer, but WARMER, too. Yet it STILL tastes notably "artificial"-- it's obviously NOT a literal apple. In any case, I tried it again SUCCESSFULLY, and now I can RESPECTFULLY decide, NOT "FORCE IT." Compulsions, EVEN to "like" something, ARE DISORDERED & MUST BE RESISTED. A quick illustration! I was just asked for lunch options! I realized that NO MATTER WHAT I CHOSE, I WOULD STILL FEAR that the OTHER choice was the "right one." THAT IS LETHAL, and prevents BOTH peace AND commitment-- even COURAGE!! So, MAKE THE BEST CHOICE YOU CAN, with the WISDOM and HOPE and CLEAR CONSCIENCE God can AND WILL give you, and LET IT BE!!! I picked OJ instead of grape because I know I like grape, esp. w/ sauce meals, BUT I keep "avoiding" OJ out of "ACID COMBO FEAR" so it was WISER/ HEALTHIER to CHALLENGE that. Then it was applesauce OR a Dole fruit cup, and although the former is still uneasy, I've NEVER faced those latent fears OF the fruit cups (buried! but sensed! I'll gauge the realtime visual reaction) so THAT was wiser here, too!! In any case, I DID NOTHING "WRONG." I did my BEST with GOOD, CLEAR intentions-- WANTING wisely to DO WHAT WOULD BE MOST BENEFICIAL TO RECOVERY! So I MUST accept that choice, NO "VACILLATING!!" Commitment is a VITAL virtue in recovery, but it's rooted in FAITH first & foremost-- the TOTAL TRUST that, not only is GOD in control of ALL options & outcomes, but ALSO, when I do my best WITH THE ACTIVE INTENTION & EFFORT TO COOPERATE WITH HIS PURPOSES, even though I'm feeble & confused, GOD WILL direct WHATEVER choices I made in that good manner TOWARDS my highest Good, ACCORDING TO HIS LOVING SOVEREIGN WILL. So yeah. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY, THROUGH GRACE. ♥ Rest in that! Have faith! Now one last segue-- I faced BOTH doubt & faith with the cereal-- both shame & guilt, too. I wasn't sure if drinking the cereal milk was proper or not, but I KNEW that "picking at the cereal" COULD trigger someone's restrictive behavior! THEREFORE, I bravely STOPPED picking & tried small spoonfuls, NOT large ones, taking a MODESTLY BALANCED choice of action, both respecting others AND NOT triggering MY own tendency to binge/ choke down food! With the milk, I reasoned that eating it with a spoon "like soup" WOULD be disordered, whereas children typically DO drink it from the bowl. So I did, too-- BUT too soon!! I drank it WHILE the cereal was in the bowl still, TO "REGULATE THE TEXTURE," NOT TO "BE PROPERLY BEHAVED!" My TRUE motives were IMPURE! Next time, I must ADD LESS MILK if I want the texture firmer. NO "EXIT STRATEGY" BEHAVIORS! Those are DIRECTLY tied to the purging compulsion, so AVOID them! Lastly, for the record, although data was hindered by that hesitant confusion, we weren't scared of the Chex-- apparently the cinnamon-type trauma was tied to it DRY? Whereas we have POSITIVE HOSPITAL memory of rice chex?? Plus the texture is lovely in milk, as is the taste of the spices. Again, CONCEPT is terrifying-- not the experience!



post-lunch//

Pizza day! We ate with the group again-- BUT God CAN also talk to us THROUGH OTHERS-- through voice, AND IN the "noisy" situations where people get together. He isn't "blocked" OR "exempt" from noisy places-- in paradoxical truth, God can talk to us in SPECIAL ways amidst great noise, BECAUSE "His Power is made perfect in our weakness," like when we go INTO the silence of our HEARTS despite the din, SEEKING HIS PEACE. In those situations, God can help us experience SUPERNATURAL peace, UNHINDERED by external circumstances, AND just as true & real IN ALL. Silence or noise, it doesn't matter in this regard-- GOD IS THERE. You just have to look for Him, with all your heart, and He WILL meet you there, WHEREVER you are, HOWEVER much noise there is. SO!! TRUST IN HIS CONSTANCY & SEEK HIS PEACE when we're overwhelmed and/or distracted in the dining room!! We're gonna inevitably face noise & social overwhelm in life, especially when sharing meals. That's just life! But DON'T get resentful & "blame-shift," thinking your peace has been stolen or prevented. It CAN'T be taken away, IF IT'S GOD'S PEACE!! And His Peace will ALSO allow/ enable you to not only COOPERATE with God's plan OF PUTTING YOU IN THAT SITUATION by practicing GRATITUDE & WILLINGNESS, but His Peace-- which IS HIS PRESENCE BY THE SPIRIT-- will ALSO enable you to LOVE the people around you, AND even the situation itself, noisy as it is, because that noise is ALSO a signal OF those beloved people, alive & thriving & interested & interesting & vibrant & joyful & part of God's beautiful Creation, of which YOU, too, are a part, and are lovingly encouraged to participate in, WITH love. ♥
+ Quick meal notes. We LIKE red cabbage, carrots, black olives, lettuce, & tomatoes. We're "fine" with feta cheese? It's not a "fave," but no complaint. It has a really cool texture, & unique taste, a bit like blue cheese (Astra's fave). It's pretty new to us! So we're learning, and CAN learn, as it's becoming less "scary" the more we try it, & therefore ACTIVELY HELP "POSITIVIZE" it through actually enjoying & appreciating it. We ACTUALLY & UNEXPECTEDLY did that for the HOT PEPPERS today-- the yellowgreen ones! Apparently, they taste GOOD with Ranch?? The dairy "takes the edges/ bite" off of their acid zing, and does SOMETHING enjoyable to the overall taste-- something we cannot describe or even remember yet, because BOTH those foods have fuzzy, unclear data, and the experience of them paired was SO brief & small, it only registered as an "instinctive flash response" (the immediate "gut feeling" we get about ANY food, apparently according to how it harmonizes/ clashes with our/ my personal vibe?)-- so we will absolutely pay close attention to that next Friday, as well as the peppers themselves (NOW that they HAVE a tangible infusion of positivity, thus "freeing" & "forgiving" them enough from trauma ties TO finally experience them in an open, more objective manner). Ranch, too, is an old trauma-linked food (gosh we have TOO MANY of those), and we're actually legitimately AFRAID to even LOOK at the taste memories, because the ones we currently have access to are ONLY tied TO frightening things!! AND, YOU CANNOT "INVENT" NEW, POSITIVE ASSOCIATIONS FOR A FOOD IF YOU CANNOT ACCESS ITS ACTUAL TASTE DATA, because THAT is what is tangled up IN memory!! So that has to wait until Friday, too. The fruit cup was interesting-- the fruit is kinda "blanched," so it's really only texture. And that's cool! We're just admittedly "disappointed" that it's therefore a "NEW" experience, not a way to heal other ones that hurt-- or so we assumed. We don't see the big picture! But GOD DOES, and He led us to this. So, even if it appears inert, GOD has a purpose for it, on HIS time, even if you can't see or imagine it! TRUST that HE is STILL working ALL THINGS our for your Good, you who love Him. Remember that, offer sincere gratitude for the exact situation, and surrender both it AND your anxieties into His Hands. Faith can move mountains! So we're letting the fruit cup remain in its mystery until the next time we get one. (If nothing else, we're nudged to say, it is helping you like the TEXTURE of fear foods, WITHOUT the FLAVOR/ COLOR TRIGGER!! So the next time you face that fear food, you DO like something about it now, "tangibly infusing that positivity" into it & ALLOWING/ ENABLING FURTHER HEALING through that new gentle affection!!) Surprisingly, the NEW food we got today WASN'T a mystery-- it was an UDI'S CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE! And it tasted SO MUCH like the protein cookies we were obsessed with when we started our Bible study. So there IS taste data, slight but solid, already-- thanks to that predisposition. BUT in realtime, we were too nervous about clock time (last 5 minutes) AND the simple fact that we were eating NOT JUST chocolate, but a CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE-- that we kept dissociating. Chocolate chips are still explicitly frightening, but ESPECIALLY so due to their association with baking, where they'd either melt into "TARSLUDGE" or be baked into treats that we would ALWAYS be punished/ scolded roughly for eating (due to our disorder). So we were scared of the chocolate and its sxtrauma associations, PLUS we were expecting to be 'CAUGHT" & PUNISHED for eating a cookie. We'll work on that. But there is hope-- deep down, we DID like it, just as the soft & sweet little thing it is. On that note, lastly-- WE LIKE THE PIZZA!!! Wahoo! The crust is WONDERFUL, the sauce is nice & garlic(!)-peppery, and we DO enjoy the cheese's flavor AND texture! There are vague "flavor neighbors" for it & the crust in our memory, pinging but unidentified. And for now that's okay! The point is, even if it's just this unique kind so far, we FINALLY LIKE "PIZZA"!!! And THAT'S a door to healing the WHOLE CONCEPT. ♥