the spectrum heart cathedral system

make a list:

"does this action/ thought/ etc….
lead someone TOWARDS God
lead someone AWAY from God?
allow evil influences to take root?
AM I AWARE OF GOD IN MY DOING THIS?
DOES DOING THIS CHASE AWAY AWARENESS OF GOD??"
etc.

basically,
"is this thing that I am doing HELPING my heart glow in likeness to GOD?"
"is this an action taken out of true righteous just compassion?"

trust your heart.

ALSO.
SIT DOWN AND ABSOLUTELY GRILL YOURSELF WITH QUESTIONS.
"WHY DO I HAVE THIS THOUGHT"
"WHY DO I NOT QUESTION THIS THOUGHT WHEN I HAVE IT?"
LETS DO THAT NOW, ESPECIALLY WITH THE SEXUAL PROBLEMS

 I feel guilty after using sexual energy EVEN IF I am honestly trying to use it for positive, loving, spiritual purposes BECAUSE
1. I KNOW that it is NOT what I am looking for, to express love.
2. I KNOW that true, deep love DDOES NOT REQUIRE SEX AT ALL.
3. I KNOW that I can't even attempt to use sexuality without rerouting EVERYTHING through my heart! Therefore why am I even trying to bring other things into it???

So. I feel guilty because, even with best intentions, I know I am selling myself short.
I know I am not really expressing my love honestly, because if I have to dissociate, depersonalize, and hide in order to do this, then it is NOT honest, it is NOT a clear expression of love. It is sadly misled, it is a big fog over what is truly trying to be expressed here.

In truth, I KNOW that REAL LOVE and intimacy is through the HEART. And I am fully capable of doing that.
However, something is getting in the way, and it feels like crushing fear, and I think I know why.
1. In the past, sexual abuse was NOT dissociated from until it became "a trauma to escape from." But even then, it had bodily closeness! So, in some part of our subconscious, ALL bodily closeness might be triggering that knee-jerk fear.
2. Similarly, all bodily closeness feels like "setting the scene for sex" which makes me immediately dissociate and start acting sexual robotically, OR… it makes me panic, cry, sob, and burn with desperate hurting rage. It's sad but it's true.

So. We NEED to fix that. "Intimacy (of physical space!!) CAN HAPPEN without sex!"
We need to practice experiencing THAT CONTEXT INSTEAD.
It's going to take time. But Chaos 0 can do it, I know, for one. His anchor plush is sanctified and he won't hurt us.

But there's anger/fear tied to HIS name. I think it's because of 2011 and the past.

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@11:50PM

 

 

today…


jezebel is fronting. yeah. it's not good!
we caught a compulsive-abusive eater today, someone who was thinking "I'm gonna eat this and I don’t really care who hurts from it," started checking names, and THAT NAME STUCK. then overlay locked in and that was really disturbing
but yeah now we know. and we can be careful now. discernment as a result of knowledge.

I can feel her hanging around now, again, like she used to. sitting off to the side like julie did in the old days. this is creepy. she's inky black in color. the bad black. like a tar pit. it reeks off her.
god I know we wanted to find out where the tar went but this is really, really disturbing. thanks though now we can get back to our actual PURPOSE in here.
we haven't been warriors for a while because we kept thinking we "weren't supposed to fight anything" but look where that got us.
we can fight without being violent or hateful, like the things we ARE fighting. that’s the key. we can be warriors without starting a war.

action is picking up. i can feel it in the air, like the sun getting warmer as it gets higher. a burning glowing building time.
jay is doing a lot of spiritual reading again and it's of a different sort this time, it's helping a LOT. it's already highlighted a lot of issues we were concerned over, confused with, helped put into words WHY and how to deal with that. so we're glad.
just gotta pace this properly, there's like... fifteen tabs open and a LOT of words and i dont want anyone shutting down from overwhelm.

oh about the eating disorder stuff we are doing SHOCKINGLY better lately
like looking back at the past several months if not longer, there's been a lot of improvement lately, which is very good
trigger foods/ forbidden foods are sticking which means the data is HOLDING and people aren't "second guessing if it hurts or not" which a lot of the younger, feeble-identity socials used to do.
partly (largely) we have spice to thank for this. very much so.
biggest concern is the amount of sheer patience and perseverance with cutting out "stim foods" (eaten solely for texture/ biting) and replacing that with non-food related coping skills, or (if we've been fasting and do need to eat) replacing them with healthy foods and the mindset that we deserve to eat well.there's still the old bad mindset of "i only deserve to eat scraps and garbage" which turned literal after a while and that was very very bad. we deserve to eat good things too! not just the familys rejects or leftovers. we're not a crow. we're not a racoon digging in the garbage pile. we can eat actual good meals and things. we're allowed!
so we need to learn that over again, except not because there are lots of us who DO think good things and want the best for us.
the main concern is getting those people in charge, instead of those like jezebel.
again, emmett is our failsafe. when in doubt, get him out. it works dude believe me

oh yeah speaking of spice HAVE YOU READ ROMANS 14 LATELY??
HOW RELEVANT IS THAT
" I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean. If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy someone for whom Christ died...Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a person to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble...For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit..."

THAT IS VERY RELEVANT TO ALL YOU ABUSIVE/ HAPPY-GO-LUCKY FOOD SOCIALS.
STOP.
it is also very relevant to the eating disorder in general, seriously that is SUCH A RELIEF seeing that in scripture, you have no idea.
we will have to apply this 100%. be strong and do it. this takes a lot of the paranoid religious eating stress of our backs.

i just realized, that bit is relevant to the "doublethink" thing of the other day too
"One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind. Whoever regards one day as special does so to the Lord. Whoever eats meat does so to the Lord, for they give thanks to God; and whoever abstains does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God..."

that and the whole "nothing is unclean in itself" thing... that is hugely relevant to our life.
it's what's been causing us a lot of trouble because we've been skipping the key bit: faith that our own actions are okay, when motivated by love.
problem is you can't force it either. you can't copy someone else's path out of love, when something deep in your heart is STILL saying, "dude i know you are trying to understand this person's perspective, but you are ALSO crushingly doubtful in yourself, and that's not healthy. this isn't for us. stop."
that applies to food and relationships and so so so many other things.
and there's a line about that too. my favorite.
"Therefore do not let what you know is good be spoken of as evil."
that
that right there is hugely important
it's in the bible, dudes, you HAVE to accept that it's okay now. which is good! we've been LOOKING for "validation" and THERE IT IS.
god i am so glad i found this chapter it is helping so much just as is right now.

last bit. it's not fully making sense right now. not sure why.
"So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves. But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin."
the last sentence does make sense intuitively. i understand that, we've been living by that in the spectrum for a while, people keep reminding each other, "if you aren't acting with the right state of heart/mind you're in trouble" basically. which we get. but it's not always put into practice! that's not good.
it's the word "doubts" that i don't understand yet really. doubting whether or not what you're doing is in faith? maybe. heavy stuff though. heavy but true.
there's a lot of "fear of damnation" tied to it, mostly from the alters defined by self-doubt, due to thinking they really aren't capable of knowing better themselves. so i think a lot of confusion is rooted there.
we'll work on this.

sorry i'm practically quoting that whole chapter but it's important.

in any case we need to re-read scripture a lot more lately, i feel there's stuff in there that would help, we haven't been reading it lately and that's not good in any case.



leagueworld stuff:
most importantly i gave jay the ability to work with leagueworlds as much as i do now. :D If he wants to, he can!
probabyl going to be a lot of tiptoeing around first but that's always fun.

tuning into justice/vengeance overlays today
is that the correct term?? like when you can "be" them temporarily
best thing ever, doing that since childhood (HI VEZ)
but yeah it is very precise? like glassblowing. very very careful. you cannot force things in that, or be rough. you've gotta let go and just let the other person BE THROUGH YOU. you're no longer "you" but you're aware that this person is not you? does that make sense?
it's the BEST thing for writing, it's so sweet, but it's difficult as all heck because it's draining and like i said it is PRECISION WORK and you absolutely cannot take it lightly or fool around with it.
hackers do. those damn hackers do and I KNOW they mess with it because it's NOT THE SAME THING.

anyway justice does not like being around clingy people? he does not like that attitude, it unsettles him.
unfortunately his "brother" is very ruled by emotion and he can get very clingy, dramatic, desperate, etc.
justice does not. he's the more "logical" brother, in a spiritual sense? he can be overly serious, out of tune with his emotions.
which is interesting because he cries ALL the time, literally, he feels sorrow deeply but he's oddly detached from it personally?
more of a compassion thing. not tied to himself per se.
vengeance is very "personal" and he feels anger as a result of sadness but again, very personal. so that's a difference.
anyway yeah that's a point of dissonance between the two, especially later when healing their relationship, it becomes "unfixable" for a while because vengeance is being super emotive and justice is not, neither can really deal with the way the other is handling the situation?
justice has a bad habit of just "tuning out" what upset him, not like a cold shoulder, more of a "pretending i didnt see it at all" neutrality
anyway yeah. vengeance has to learn to express what he feels WITHOUT getting carried away with his emotions.
when he can do that justice responds to him in kind and it's very genuine, they still love each other dearly, it just gets buried under all the mess of their history.
again that's all relevant to headspace too it feels like. especially jay and cz, with the splintering/ fracturing/ what have you.

oh! we were thinking about that
the whole having to accept that outspacers are effectively introjects, the internal roots are paramount,
realizing that in that respect then yes cz will never, and can never, entirely be his canon self
(and frankly we dont want him to be, not entirely, too much outside interference, we do need to talk about that)
BUT most important realizing that this means they are now operating largely on headspace terms
which means that they CAN fracture and splinter and things.
and it has been proven up here that cz HAS FRACTURED and there are at least two "other chaoses" around
however
with that realization we had to ask why and it's actually because he was tied to past trauma
especially in 2011/2012, there was some awful awful stuff that happened then as far as i'm aware
but it was utterly incompatible with who chaos was/is, and jay could not cope with it either,
so apparently those parts of his psyche/ experience BROKE OFF and are still around?
the most toxic one hangs out with azalea, as you all know
they are both very very unhealthy dangerous individuals
but yeah that's important info. needs to be looked into more.


cel is trying to find her new name/ solid appearance. resonating with the greek word kairos actually, just looked it up and that is surprisingly fitting.

jewel is actually THE BRIDGE????
like with this new "outspacer spectrum," i.e. "alternate centralites" who hold TWO colors instead of one and who aren't headvoices, jewel is between BROWN AND RED. between the body-life color, and the inside-life color. very very important. makes sense though.
still haven't had the opportunity to sit down and think about that yet. will do so asap.


jewel hanging out with jay for a while this evening, they're like siblings
at one point jewel affectionately hugged him around the shoulders but from the front, he had a minor panic/ shutdown reaction?
jewel said "i'd never hurt you" and jay said he knew but that sort of position at all was upsetting.
he mentioned how this was harming his relationships with cz and laurie especially
but also because he was scared of romance being just as much a threat as literal tangible abuse.
jewel said "romance is a gateway drug"


laurie found out the two things keeping us from having xangas
1) fear of the bedroom desk. the area where we type is NOT a fully safe area. we're trying to fix it up but it has bad vibes.
2) overwhelm from not having specified topics!!! THAT'S the key thing. jay would aways say, "yes i want to talk," and he did, but unless you SPECIFICALLY say what about, the stress gets heavy and no talk happens. just like in therapy! we feel no need to talk without a topic, but in xangas there's that pressing need to discuss, so. it gets overwhelming.
needless to say we are putting a list together now, so once that happens there's NO OBSTACLES ANYMORE and a session can happen totally without problems. thank goodness.


very very VERY tired and feeling some residual fear and sorrow from the tumult of the past week or month or so
extremely tired. head shutting off. plus the backspace key is actually giving me vertigo whoooa that's not cool at all.
going to get some sleep okay bye

 

 

 

 

 

 

today is not a good day

my mother came home and all she is doing is screaming to my grandparents (who are vehemently agreeing) about what a fcking horrible person i am, pointing out all my flaws and struggles and mistakes, guilt-tripping me into feeling like an utter fcking disgrace and failure and shame upon the family
this is normal
and she has EVERY RIGHT TO BE SAYING THAT.

is this divine retribution?
is this what i get for seeing myself as filthy and irredeemable for so many years?
is this what i get for painting myself as the villain?
it comes true?


i am very very very sad and sick of my life to the point of total numbness
another day gone to self-abuse, counting down to my next work shift in the morning
god how do i cope with this

my grandmother told me flat-out today "if you feel so unworthy of money then give me all your money instead"
i felt sick to my stomach
yeah i feel unworthy because i feel fcking filthy no matter what i do
i don't deserve to sleep, don't deserve to eat
i don't deserve comfort or ease in life
i'm a filthy fcking idiot and i deserve to SUFFER
because you have to bleed in order to be good right?
you have to bleed in order to be forgiven right?
if you do something bad you have to be punished right?

shitheads like me don't deserve money
so i sabotage all my successes because i feel blasphemous by having good things
horrible stains on existence dont deserve to have good things
maybe i should give her all my money
after i pay off my debts
god all my life i only ever spend my money on two things:
1) gifts for other people
2) food.
and when i buy food it's usually because "someone else/ the voices told me to"
and then i feel so FILTHY and GUILTY for buying it that i destroy it
therefore destroying my money
because if i'm that fcking stupid i don't deserve to eat

this negativity is a neverending spiral and it is so hard to get out of.


there goes the mother literally swearing about me
she never uses profanity so this is terrifying
she's hitting things and making a lot of noise
god i am so so so so so so so sorry i never meant for my self-torture to hurt other people but i'm so fcking blind
i forget that other people exist around me, and that my actions have consequences
i shred my existence and then i'm legitimately surprised when other people get cut on the shards all over the floor


i think the universe is trying to tell me something.
today is bad enough
then we have the trouble with laurie and tiger lily
and all the screaming floating voices all the time

but
all my evil is being pointed out
all my mistakes are being highlighted in screaming yellow
all my flaws are being lit on fire so i can't ignore them anymoer
i am a horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE person
i am a hypocrite and a thief and a liar
i am a selfish angry manipulative brat
i am stupid and whiny and foolish and unwise
i am ugly and embarrassing and inappropriate
i am a fcking SINNER just by existing i am a FLAW on this earth
i am fcking horrible, horrible, horrible

she
i don't think she understood
i
when she said "i guess we were wrong"
i've forgiven her (i dont think those are the right pronouns i'm sorry)
i forgave you i really did
i know i hurt you so so so badly.
you had every right in the book to say that.
you were right.
you were right.
you were absolutely right.

but
i dont think you realized how stupid fcking messed-up i am
where i would take it so badly
in other worse, you never meant to hurt me.
there was no malice in your words.
i was just too fcking guilty to ignore the projected gunshot to the head.

"you act like a nice person but you're ROTTEN TO THE CORE."

that's my biggest fear

and with how life is going lately,
i'm afraid it's been proven true



what do i do
god what do i do

does "god" hate me?
whatever the hell is posing as "god" in that committee of faceless screamers all around my head
does it hate me?

is "anyone up there" benevolent?
does anyone care?
am i worthy of being cared about?
or am i such a heathen
such an insolent human fool
that they'd be happy to see me dead?

i'm afraid of the wrath of "gods and goddesses"
i feel that they ALL despise me and want me dead
i am so so so scared
because i know i deserve it

god what do i do

what do i do



i can't go "back" to headspace, i'm not from there
i'm a stupid social whatever person i'm on the outside
the inside doesnt exist for me

it exists for other people but those people don't exist in the physical
and all this shit lately is so so so physical
so depressed suicidal people like me are out
filthy ugly sinful disgraceful people like me are out


god i dont know what to do.

i need to stop with this "fake friend" bullshit on tumblr
people i never ever talk to but who i am "kissing up to" because i "have to" i dont' even KNOW them
that's why we "lost" all our dA friends they were never "friends" because WE weren't a friend
we were a maniupalative mask-wearing sonofabitch with a painted on smile
we were shit
we still are shit

the family hates me
i know. every day they get angrier
i dont want to be a freak
i dont want to be a burden
but it is so hard to stop, i AM TRYING, i swear i am trying so hard,
they hate me
my brothers avoid me they go out of their way to avoid me
the mother and her boyfriends are always saying how they cant stand me
it hurts to hear them talk, it's just scathing diatribe
the grandparents are two-faced, they say they care but some of the things they say are just
"we mean well" but what youre saying is so toxic and they just cant tell

god i am sick to my stomach
another day full of nothing but vomiting and self-torture
i still need to exercise but i cant even leave this room because THEYRE out thre

god i want to cry
what is this "god" i'm praying to i dont even know anymore

i want to cry
i dont want to wake up
i have work in the mornig
i always have work in the mornng'
how do i live the restof the day with a job i dont know
its too much total switching its this damn HOUSE
i dont want to go home
i dont want to go on the fcking road
i dont want to do this fcking bullshit shpping stop telling me i HAVE TO I DONT
i am so fcking tired


no therapy for two weeks
god give me strength
got a couple suicide chatrooms and hotlines bookmarked
we never use them they're shit
we tried they are no help at all
but its the thought that counts

headspace helps
needs a new name, less "controlling" sounding
the spectrum
all our people inside
they help. always.
always always always
how ironic they are the ONLY good thing in my life
the physical life, mind
(leagueworlds dont touch the daily life they are separate from this shit)
how terrible that i always think they're "bad"
and try to kil them
to be "normal"
but normal is SHIT
IT'S SHIT OKAY
WE'VE BEEN TRYING AND LOOK AT US NOW
THIS IS SHIT AND I WANT TO DIE.


life is falling apart
the universe keeps showing me just how fcked up i am
without pointing to any soolutions
besides total self-annihilation.
and i guess that's it then
the only option
to annihilate myself
ONLY me, mind
and the other ones like me
there are better people in the spectrum im sure
but the suicidal shitheads likeme
the filthy ones
we need to die
and i'm not scared of dying if igt means someone nice will take over
but dying is hard
and i'm so sad
and i'm so tired


i want to throw up
what is life
what am i doing
what is our purpose
why are we alive
what the hell are we supposed to do
do we have any reason to live
do we have any right to live
is our life just a chain on everyone elsee's feet
are we just a problem to be solved

 

 

 

 

 

some things for today.

bit of a messy entry as things have been very messy/ tangled/ etc. lately and i apologize.
but the mess is showing us what needs to be healed, so, therapy is tomorrow and we will confront this.


laurie talking to leon while at work.
shaken and heartbroken by "tiger lily" being around, biggest fear was "does this mean I fucked up my job and the system is effectively saying 'you need to be replaced?'"
leon said he was terribly sorry, couldn't think of any better way to express that empathy. tried to reassure her that since she was still around she was still needed, even if for something different now. but laurie was distraught, "that was my ONE JOB and apparently I failed," existential crisis really.

laurie temporarily "switched back" to original anchor style, joined tiger lily in screaming at whoever was doing the job this morning. brutal, fierce intimidation and corrective guilt, etc. but all that old harsh language. "stop being so careless, you faggot, you'll fuck everything up as usual," etc. "don't be such a goddamned pansy," "straighten the fuck up, stop feeling sorry for yourself, you ingrate," etc. so it's good advice, very very good instruction, but it's all so rough.
whoever was getting yelled at was just kind of smiling with the "sacrifice myself for the greater good!" mindset. no emotion, trying so hard to annihilate their self, annihilate their free will, "become a slave of god," et cetera. this person was perfectly willing to starve to death with joy because "the voices told me to" and "when I die I'll go back to god" like they didn’t question it because "questioning means disobeying and disobeying means I am listening to my selfish corrupted ego," their ideal is "total unflinching servitude."

whole day was full of screaming floating voices
there was a child one, a little girl with messy blonde hair? short, not like marigold, and younger. (felt weirdly familiar? a visual introject of someone we know maybe?) kept whining and crying in an emotionally manipulative way. very bratty. knee-jerk reaction was to BEAT the child, "she'd better learn to shut the hell up," etc. appalled by this but at the same time, it was viewed with a neutral "that's the proper response" reaction too. upset that this had been internalized.
you're supposed to love and comfort and care for children, right? well what if they're being demanding little impudent brats? that's our problem with ourself. one of our inner child parts is an insolent little shit, who does nothing but cry for what SHE wants for no good fucking reason, and she KNOWS she's pulling our strings to do so. so the first reaction we get is, "hit the child, teach them to sit down and shut up, make them learn their place, teach them obedience and subservience, let them know that what they're doing is WRONG and it has consequences and it will not be tolerated."
which is what laurie was originally born from, and left, and which tiger lily now picked up.
but we still largely believe that. it's how we treat ourself at large. "beat the selfishness out of them." "bleed out your sinfulness." otherwise we're too selfish, just like everyone else said we were fated to be, right? when someone repeatedly tells you "you HAVE to be THIS way," or even worse, "you ARE this way, so stop fighting it," then no matter how much that goes against your instinct or proper right judgment, enough righteous repeated "facts" like that and you WILL become whatever they say you are, because you feel there is no other choice.
so we were convinced we were the scourge of humanity, and therefore we deserve to be flayed alive to atone for that shit, effectively.
I don't want to think like that anymore, but no other options ARE working currently.

we keep considering forced integration or systemwide annihilation again, this is bullshit

had a bit of an emotional meltdown at home, stress overload. ended up literally hitting ourself and breaking part of our exercise machine in our room. no idea why, just needed the pressure crash but were hit with sickening shock when something broke, knee-jerk terror and regret and fear, scared kid feeling. "why did we do that." very very afraid. anger gone entirely. emotions are confusing

only good thing is that ALL problem foods have been pinpointed and expressly forbidden, in a book, so that's tangible with words and pictures. we need that because otherwise we don't remember WHY something is forbidden and then some jackass says "well then it's okay to eat! we have to try! we can't let anything be bad!" it's an inability to understand that not every edible thing is going to be god's gift to mankind, some foods WILL hurt you, this kid literally cannot comprehend that. "it only hurt you because you're afraid/ angry/ low vibration/ etc. if I eat it it will be okay!!" and then they eat it, and then they switch out and don't feel the headaches and stomachaches and vomiting and all that shit. so they THINK it's perfectly fine. it's not.

jay overcome with rage for most of the morning. not sure why. a lot of it was because of the addictive/ eating voices, especially the child. but he was just icy rage.
that's out-of-character for him but his overlay was exact. he says it was "righteous anger" but we are still struggling with anger. it feels so evil. but he was pissed off at the addict voices, and the floating voices, and he kept telling them what they were doing was intolerable and he would not play into their schemes. furious but it was very very flat? like ice, again
he shouldn't be like this, he's supposed to be light and compassion and hope, offering that instead of ire, what's happening?

laurie was ghosting trying to help him out instead of genesis.
after all this over the course of the day, she looked back at tiger lily and said "did I really use to be that brutal?" and then expressed a surprised but hurt relief that she DIDN'T have to hold that old job anymore, because she couldn't bear to act so hateful like that anymore.
not sure what jay's reaction to that was.

nexus hanging around though. with tiger lily I think? bizarre how so many daemons are insect-esque.
laurie is avoiding dealing with hir just like rio is avoiding dealing with lethe for the most part.
in her defense nexus is creepy as shit but really, you NEED to work with daemons, that's the reason for their existence, to basically personify the shadow work you've been avoiding and which is now unavoidable.


we've never, ever had problems with forgiveness before, why now?
this is very very frightening.
is it tied to the paradox of, "if they don’t think they did anything wrong, there's nothing TO forgive"?
because that is a SELF-BLAMING thing because we believe WE ARE THE ONLY ONES TO BLAME, EVER, and I'm wondering if that's making us bitter and unforgiving because it makes us view ourself as inherently "bad?" like we're a bad influence on everyone. so "how dare we forgive ourself when justice has not been done," hence the constant need for punishment and atonement. we feel that we must PAY for our sins, but we also feel our sinfulness is limitless, therefore we are constantly paying this debt, therefore we CANNOT really "be forgiven" because we're basically shit and you "can't forgive evil itself" or some bullshit.
WHY DO WE THINK OF OURSELF THIS WAY???
HOW DID THAT GET INTO OUR HEAD???



reading a lot of articles tonight.
reading is so exhausting lately. like frustratingly, edge-of-tears exhausting.
it's very informative and VERY helpful, don't get me wrong, but it burns me right out.
I'm not sure if it's because we have to visualize everything or it wont register, or the huge amount of visual data to process, or what. but it's exhausting. must be done though.


some quotes…

★Grief clears pain, and we deny things so we don’t have to feel their pain
THE PROBLEM= I am legitimately convinced, I legitimately believe, that there IS NO PAIN

however. "you must say yes to suffering in order to transcend it."
this everything-is-sunshine-and-roses-all-the-time mindset is effectively saying NO to ALL pain.

interesting important paragraph:
"It’s crucial to have a transformation-ready heart when embarking upon activism. Otherwise, we can be setting ourselves up for pain that sticks to our bones as unreckoned grief until we can transform it.
Indeed, many who resist getting involved in causes greater than themselves, that cause one to empathize with the pain of others, may instinctively know they do not possess the inner alchemical capacity to grieve in order to transform pain and thus resist getting involved. Worse, they may deny that the problems exist in the first place so as not have to deal with what they might not be able to handle.
Ignoring our personal grief closes our eyes to love. Dealing with it opens our own hearts the world."
"Many might feel too overwhelmed by these difficult feelings in their immediate personal life to deal with more difficult news. But maybe this overwhelm is precisely because one has chosen not to deal with their heap of personal pain in the first place?"

this disturbed us when we read it because the phrase "they do not possess the inner alchemical capacity to grieve" felt like absolute damnation, i.e. "you're inherently flawed and you will fail." I hope that's not what they meant.
but it's scary because currently, it feels true. we HAVE become so cold, so resistant, so isolated lately, and it coincides with us being TOTALLY NUMB. we cannot figure out how to safely turn that off.

This is why Q allegedly pissed us off in 2012-- he was doing the SAME THING with this. Ignoring and denying pain and discomfort, due to "not being able to handle it." which we can understand now, even if it still makes us furious, because it's a mirror.
Ironically, at the time we knew him, we constantly insisted we were ALL too ready to face the pain. were we? I don’t know. that was a totally different timeline. Problem is, now we've buried our grief and pain and fear from the past because:
1) we are convinced that "only a fool trips on what is behind him" and "the past does not exist" therefore "don't be shackled to what is over and done with," and
2) the grief/ pain/ guilt/ fear is unbearable because it all screams "you are satan incarnate"

this needs to be dealt with.
we have NO IDEA how to express grief, let alone how to FEEL it in the first place.
we don’t know how to grieve, and that may be because we have two problematic mindsets of "you never lose anything, therefore grief is silly and foolish" and "the things you think you lost, or that deserve grief, are things you need to learn to smile and be okay with. no use resisting reality!"
so grief is utterly confusing and it feels utterly wrong and we cannot cry without feeling like the most selfish, manipulative, proud, abusive man on the planet.
crying, for us, feels like that stupid kid hiccup-sobbing because she wants something sweet. well fuck you. it's poison, you aren't getting any. man the fck up and stop being so hedonistic.
for us, crying is an egotistical control scheme, we've said this before
it's still a huge problem, apparently.
how do you express sadness if crying is viewed as NOT sadness?
how do you express sadness if you don't view sadness as a legitimate emotion?
I really should go see that movie again




a good paragraph:
"One way to discover the vital qualities we have denied is to notice what qualities we find uncomfortable or intolerable in others. Do I have difficulty receiving another’s anger towards me, even when responsibly expressed by them and in proportion to the injury I caused? Is it difficult for me to be present to another’s grief? Am I unable to bear witness and feel compassion for another’s feelings of helplessness, despair, and fear? If so, this might mean that I am denying my own experience of these emotions. Do I cringe and find judgment in others’ freedom, responsibly expressed? Am I jealous of my girlfriend’s good relations with her family? If so, I might use these uncomfortable feelings as guideposts for how to grow a better life for myself."


my favorite paragraph so far:
"When I treat a patient I can’t just boost their wellness if they have a serious disease. I also have to fight the disease. Similarly, we can’t just resort to loving feelings in the face of greedy, sociopathic disease run amok. We can’t just “love” these folks into order, or think they will disappear because we have a cozy life. This is like relying on sugar to fight an infection; it feeds the festering. We need bitter herbs; we need to embody some nastiness, some fierce love."
and hey laurie that's your real job okay?

and another.
“There can be no transforming of darkness into light and of apathy into movement without emotion." (Carl Jung)
"An integrative path can’t just give lip service to our difficult emotions, to our suffering, or assume the detached witness position, a posture which many New-Age types seem to try on in order to not have to dip into difficult depths (since difficulty and darkness are antithetical to their belief of “love”). In my experience, true integration as an embodied spiritual path must especially embrace being in the mud, like the lotus – the mud corresponds with the depths of our own bodies. For only by finding light in and from that darkness, through both experience and insight, can we rise up integrated. Our newfound wisdom, joy, compassion and passion emanate from the very conditions which embodied their opposite – in our pain and suffering. This union of opposites, and an openness and path through both, is an integrated spiritual path."
all that is deeply relevant to our system obviously.

oh and one more big one from a REALLY good article.
" Magical thinking is a normal faculty in children between the ages of 2-7. It is also the same brand of childish fantasy prevalent in many spiritual circles. Beliefs that all is light, all is good, everything happens for a reason (so we don’t need to deal with disappointment), only good comes from misfortune, or that pain and misfortune are simply illusions, are all examples of childish magical thinking. They deny the dark, the real pains of life. They also happen to be the theme of many spiritual “playshops.” Applying common sense and critical thinking to these new-age aphorisms, we discover that indeed they are not true, just as a childhood fantasies are untrue…
Reasonable adults understand magical thinking as a natural stage of development, which children grow out of. Yet, when adults ignore their psychological pain and revert to fantasy and other imaginary feel-good beliefs as an unconscious attempt to experience the inherent joy of a healed “heart" and mind, and in place of reason and logic, we have big problems. We get presidents that think hurricanes are the wrath of God. This, among other urgent realities needing recognition, denies the reality of global warming, for example, thereby impeding our progress towards collective wellness…
Disembodied, fantasy-based “spiritual” pursuits that do not respect reality, as well as investments in fun without cultivating our comprehensive adult gifts to the world, are fool’s gold. In fact, you can almost be guaranteed that the degree to which a person pursues magical thinking and unproven, fantasy-based, feel-good spirituality is directly proportional to their unreckoned-with psychological pain."
"…In most 'New Age' doctrines, it is considered “unspiritual” or “unevolved” to even consider the use of defensive force. A good little new-ager is apparently supposed to let people and parasitic beings walk all over them, steal from them, drain their energy, manipulate / implant them, and harm them in any manner they choose. Not only that, but they should also suppress any “negative emotions” so that they will be basically “happy victims” of such abuses. This manipulative, deceptive “teaching” comes from the false-light, and nothing could be further from the real truth."


to be honest this is all SO RELIEVING TO READ
because it's highlighting JUST HOW TOXIC all this new-age stuff ive been internalizing is
and no offense to those people, but I've honestly been choking that stuff down for years
and I KNEW it felt funny but could never figure out why, let alone why it was making me miserable
so I miust not judge, I must not condemn, I must just say, "this is not right for me," and continue down my own path

but
problem is, right now I am scared that "my own path" is FLAWED and that I've been "spiritually misled" all these years
I don’t know the doubt is huge
like I said, forced annihilation is still a contemplated option
because of that internalized belief stated in the last quoted paragraph
"all is good and pain is an illusion SO your shadow work DOESN'T EXIST uwu"
bullshit like that
sorry for the profanity but this anger keeps welling up because I'm SICK OF THIS.
and I want it to get out of my head and anger is telling it to do so. anger has guts.
anger just needs to be tempered down for heavens sake or its going to burn down the house and take us all with it
that won't help anyone.


and holy shit I just found an article that PERFECTLY DESCRIBED that uneasiness I've been feeling about this stuff
dude this is exactly what I was worried about
like I said, don’t judge, please, you fell into that trap too, those people didn’t know
but damn it I was so unsure and doubtful and scared to say no, this explains WHY
it also explains why I always felt so freaked out by the ""guides"" that would talk to me
the things claiming they were angels
et cetera.
they always had really really subtly awful vibes and I could sense that but it was glossed over so much
I don’t know I am just hoping SO MUCH that this article will show that I CAN let go of this control scheme
because it IS one and I have a right to be free of it
so I need to read this and get back to you later.


there is absolutely so much more to read but there is NO time tonight.
I didn’t even get to exercise today I hope I don’t pay for that
work again tomorrow still in the bad "I have a job so I cannot have a life" mode, very toxic
trying to overcome that, not sure how yet. but its an effort

good night

 

 

 

 

 

 

hey, quick update, no one died today, but we're sick and in pain and not too happy with the decisions made today

but we need to forgive. we need to heal.
tomorrow we are going to make a BIG effort towards that as far as art goes, wish us luck
we do need to sleep first. the body desperately needs to heal.

also it rained today. a lot.
so despite our feeling like an utter filthy wreck that still felt absolving. which helped.
(also it is cold today not hot which is also a massive relief)

there has been a lot of heartwrenching beauty in our collective life lately that i havent written about here yet
i should but words dont do it much justice
and there is still so much confusion and pain-wracked fear tied to it
from these poor damaged ones.
we really need to just take a few days, a few weeks, just sit and talk to them,
why havent we done that yet,
i think maybe we're just as scared as they are of facing that stuff, on some level.
but we need to.


i wanted to delete the previous entry but someone wrote that for a reason, it absolutely breaks my heart to see it, but there it is

healing is still happening, bit by bit
biggest good thing about all this: we aren't numb or unplugged
so even if we're walking through hell again, we're at least doing so together

so that's enough to get us through another night.

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 02:07 pm

 

(BRUTAL entry, explicitly triggering, totally uncensored.)

 

here's the thing,
HERE'S THE FCKING THING.

I am going to be brutally bloody honest even if I hate myself for it


I have experienced sexual things
I DO NOT LIKE IT.

and if you have not noticed
EVERY SINGLE TIME IT HAPPENS
I dissociate.
I blank out absolutely.
I have NO MEMORY OF ANY INSTANCE, AT ALL.


there have been orgasms but they are literally shit
no matter what they are absolutely stupid and dull
they hurt unbearably and make the body unbearably sick
and I am saying that as someone who has TRIED.
I HAVE REALLY FCKING TRIED to be "normal" and "holy" with this shit
IT HASN'T WORKED.
AND I AM TERRIFIED THAT MEANS THAT I AM BROKEN ON A SPIRITUAL LEVEL
AND THAT IF I AM NOT "FIXED" THEN I AM NOT TRULY COMPLETE OR CORRECT
it is horrible horrible horrible god I want to vomit just thinking about it

AND THAT'S WHERE THE FCKNIG CONFUSION COMES IN!!!!!!!!!!
because I KNOW what i want, I LOVE people, I want to EXPRESS that,
is that selfish? is that abusive?
but this goddamned society and religion tells me "NOPE YOU HAVE TO HAVE SEX IT'S MANDATORY IT'S GOD'S WILL!!!!!!!!!!!"
and so I get fcking terrified and attempt it.
honestly. I have attempted it. I have tried to be fixed.
but. every single fcking time. every. single. time.
it fails. IT FAILS. no matter how people try to justify it afterwards. IT DOESN'T WORK.

case in point.
I adore laurie. okay? for years people have been trying to 'have sex' with her. she always, always, always says no. "I can't feel that, I can't do that," etc. she DOESN’T WANT TO.
and that is accepted. that's FINE.
but then we realize "HEY, WE DON'T ACTUALLY WANT SEX EITHER,"
and then it's either dissolving into panicked scared sobs because god how did we almost fck up,
or,
dissociating into programming and thinking we HAVE to have sex because her refusal just lit up an ALTERNATIVE that we REALLY want, which is "love WITHOUT sex,"
but
BUT
we don’t believe that option is morally correct
WHICH IS BULLSHIT
but there it is.

no matter what, this stupid religious compulsion tells me that at some point I HAVE to "have sex"
WHY????
WHAT ABOUT THE CELIBATES
WHAT ABOUT RELIGIOUSLY DEVOTED PEOPLE WHO NEVER HAVE SEX
WHY THE FCK ARE THEY OKAY AND I'M NOT?????????????
WILL YOU SUDDENLY EXEMPT ME IF I START WEARING A ROMAN COLLAR OR WHAT

I don’t fcking know, I don’t KNOW
I am so fcking DEPRESSED over this shit

I DON’T WANT THIS. WE HAVE PROVEN THIS MULTIPLE TIMES, IN MULTIPLE CONTEXTS
I don't want it physically,
I don’t want it emotionally,
I don't want it logically,
I DON'T FCKING WANT IT SO WHY THE HELL AM I STILL TERRIFIED THAT I HAVE TO HAVE IT AND HAVE TO WANT IT EVEN WHEN I KNOW FULL WELL THAT I NEVER DID AND NEVER WILL



we really need to stop forcing ourselves into these roles out of fear or programming.
it's awful and it is perpetuating self-hate and self-abuse and depression and despair.

xenophon needs to be reset. I don’t think she was ever really reset.
she's too tied to trauma and the whole "parent" thing which only happened BECAUSE OF FORCING
we all admit we were confused as hell at that time
but xenophon needs to be freed from that, she doesn’t deserve this hell,
and quite frankly neither do any of the hosts who keep forcing themselves into trauma "for her sake"
that's not how this shit works
that's not what this is about


laurie has sworn that she will defend our asexuality to the death from now on
no exceptions, no being swayed by doubt, no religious paranoia
no. she MUST forbid EVERY ATTEMPT no matter how "holy" we insist it "has to be"
but you see??? it's COMPULSION.
it's FEAR-BASED COMPULSION.



I could only love someone who is a knife. that’s why I adore laurie. she is UNTOUCHABLE.
its why I have problems around chaos. I will admit that. I have A LOT OF TROUBLE being around him lately, like very very very badly, he's too feminine, too emotional.
infi gets there sometimes but then infi also has tons of teeth and sharp-shadow edges. ze's a daemon, ze can be soft as ever but there is always this danger, this knife edge, that makes me feel safe.
genesis is superbright and that counts as an edge sometimes, but it can go too far in the oppposite direction. but he was abused too, he dissociates and gets confused, we have to be careful.
I miss when chaos wasn't split, when perfect was still part of his psyche, back in the early outspacer days.
but I also DON’T miss that because perfect was psychologically blind and didn’t realize how harmful the stuff he did was.
I guess what I'm saying is that water doesn’t have edges and I wish to god that it did without turning to ice.
crystals. god he HAS that gem right in his heart, shouldn’t that be an edge enough?

I am so fckign sick of softness=violence
julie this is your territory
but you're the most damaged of all of us as far as this goes


you know what, you know what,
this fcking programming tells me "IT HAS TO BE THIS WAY,"
well how about this.
how about I test it out INSIDE and NOT DISSOCIATE?
then I will PROVE TO YOU that your way is BULLSHIT and it DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.

see, the SLIGHTEST attempt is met with REFUSAL, IMMEDIATELY

your shit is SHIT and it only works if you SHUT OFF OUR FCKING BRAIN
you fcking demons
leave us alone

sorry there are obviously multiple people writing this. all true thuogh.


OH! ABOUT THAT.
ALL YOU FCKING ABUSERS. ALL YOU HACKERS. ALL YOU SEXUAL-PROGRAMMING PEOPLE.
WHY DON’T YOU COME OUT AND TYPE HERE, HUH???????
DEFEND YOUR FCKING POSITION????

OH THAT’S RIGHT, YOU CAN'T
BECAUSE YOURE MADE OF PROGRAMMING AND OBLIGATORY BEHAVIOR
YOU'RE NOTHING BUT BLIND ROBOTIC IMITATION AND COMPULSION
YOU DON'T FCKING EXIST

that's where jay lives, right at the heart of this issue, right where we realize what we DO want and need
the topic we have discussed a thousand times.
love, real love, the kind that's utterly untouched by this sexual shit, he KNOWS what it is, and we have it,
we're just so damn scared that it's "inherently sexual" because it's intimate,
which is the biggest fear.
it's this horrible creeping paranoia that at some point, sex is GOING to happen BECAUSE we're close.
I am so fcking sick of that
I am so sick
that’s why I need edges, that’s why I need blood,
hackers CANNOT WORK when blood is around, blood is SACRED,
here's a message to all fronting people:
if there is a hacker around, if a hacker is trying to hurt you,
don’t even call for laurie, she gets distraught and they will try to hurt her,
call for a RETRIBUTOR.
even better, find a way to cause pain to the body in a way that is SHARP and SAFE
if there is blood, the hackers WILL LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!
and you will be safe
this is why relationships upstairs NEED PAIN
this is why heart connections are SO PAINFUL
because it is SAFE. and it is REAL. and it is GENUINE.
god we KNOW what we want and need and HAVE, why the hell do these outside people keep insisting otherwise



this shit is TERRIFYING.
HOW THE FCK COULD YOU EVER LIE TO YOURSELF ABOUT "WANTING THIS"
WHEN THE SLIGHTEST REMINDER SENDS YOU INTO A PANICKED BREAKDOWN?????
”I can't cry," you say, well then what the fck are you doing now????
YOU ARE IN TEARS FROM HOW FCKING FRIGHTENED YOU ARE RIGHT NOW KID
WHOEVER THE HELL TELLS YOU YOU "WANT THIS" IS A FCKING IMBECILE

stop looking at it. STOP LOOKING AT IT.
TO HELL WITH "EDUCATING YOURSELF" THIS IS ALL FEAR-BASED

you are just desperately trying to find support for YOU being okay.
you are looking through these articles and pages trying to find a chink in the armor, a break in the chain,
trying to find something that will make their entire argument collapse in on itself,
to justify YOUR existence and mean that YOU are not flawed or unholy in being what you are,
but you are so damn scared of being wrong in that,
you are so damn scared of being an 'evil heart' or a 'blasphemer' in so much as suggesting that it's okay to be asexual, to be what you are,
that you are not accepting any arguments in your favor, out of moral paranoia.
and yet you cannot accept any arguments to the contrary either, because you KNOW the fear and pain and disgust and shame and terror that accompanies them, whenever you try to force yourself into them, without fail.
you are running in circles, and your feet are bloodied on the rocks.
get out of their loop, it is only going to kill you.



I am very afraid that introjects in our System are still a real thing.
I don't even like saying they're part of the "System," because they're NOT. we need a better term.
but they exist. and they're awful and toxic.
BUT, it at least allows us to do internal healing work where it would be impossible to outside.
and it helps exaggerate just what terrifies us about those people, so we can evaluate that.
its just so so so sad to see an internal abusive reflection inside, of someone outside, who we experienced as abusive or otherwise traumatically triggering/ aggravating, but who may not have consciously realized that, or who may have been unable to accept that.

but we have introjects of the mother, the grandmother, and the two people from utah.
that is confirmed and I kept wondering why we kept getting sick, nauseous, why we kept getting confused with memories, why we had no idea what was real or not, we didn’t know these people, etc.,
its because the problematic behavior was being perpetuated inside, and we were too scared to face it.
well now we know. and we have to face it.
its terrifying still, but we have to face it
and I KNOW it can be healed. I KNOW that one day, the introjects WILL BE GONE.
but patience is key. we need to be patient. we need to forgive ourselves. this is fragile work. but we can do it.


would you believe we never really recovered from the static incident?
you know. we found something online. from people we knew. and we were in sick shock for WEEKS.
years actually, we're still reeling, still having trouble coping,
why?
"its their decision not yours"
yeah but they HID THAT and did SO MUCH behind our backs,
they never told us they KNEW we were unsafe with that,
but of course that’s WHY they never told you, they KNEW you would not be able to be around them once you knew.
and that’s so sad but that’s how it is.
god but I don’t want to hate people. I don’t want to hate anyone.
the hate just comes from fear. fear of violation, of forced infliction. fear of "THEY did that so now YOU have to!!!"
boundary problems. moral paranoia.
god I want to throw up and sob



I am so fcking sorry.
this is all so goddamn confusing

what am I even trying to say.


I just came across a quote.

"I dealt with a significant amount of abuse in my childhood as well and being aware has absolutely been the biggest part of getting past that for me. Being able to read studies in psychology that are relevant to my childhood, it takes a bit to be able to apply any of it to your life. It can be even harder to explore the possibility that many of your character traits come from your experiences with abuse, and difficult sorting out which parts of you are truly YOU and which parts are chemical/emotional responses your body makes FOR you."

that's really important. hormones are shit.
but they can be manipulated, they can be controlled. we just have to do more on our side of the fight.
but it's sad because when they're fcked up, your reactions get fcked up.

"Within minutes of exposure to a traumatic event there is an increase in the level of endorphins in the brain. During the time of the trauma, endorphin levels remain elevated and help numb the emotional and physical pain of the trauma. However, after the trauma is over, endorphin levels gradually decrease and this may lead to a period of endorphin withdrawal that can last from hours to days…"

see what I mean

god I am so nauseous I shouldn’t be typing about this or reading about this
why the hell do I keep reading about this

I'm ashamed. I'm fcking ashamed of the fact that I've endured so much shit, a lot of it by my own confused misinformed doing, because I am absolutely fcking paranoid of "not being good" and yet EVERY DAMN THING they tell me to do to "be good" feels self-destructive
the two main things are,
"don’t eat," and "have sex"
which is fcking horrible
I don’t eat a lot the way it is, now these damn voices are telling me FAST SOME MORE
and I end up purging and sick and dizzy and weak,
then the same fcking voices tell me "sex is the road to true enlightenment!!!!! you need sexual healing!!!!" etc etc etc and I want to STRANGLE SOMEONE because DAMN IT THAT ISN'T WHAT I FCKING NEED

but damn it I know what I need.
beneath all that surface-level shit I KNOW what I really need
and the bottom line is that I need to STOP LISTENING TO THIS OUTSIDE SHIT
BECAUSE I ALREADY FIGURED IT OUT
AND THEIR BABBLING IS JUST CONFUSING THE HELL OUT OF ME.


"know thyself" they say, and he said, and I know that's the main thing,
so I really have to stop thinking others know better than I do, as far as internal honesty is concerned.
there's so much out there trying to screw me up. I really need to be careful.

these entries too, are too tangled. I apologize. but they do help find truer things. they are signposts too.
and the frustration over misleading teachings is legitimate and I am thankful for that.
but pride, and this sort of too-white feeling, is just as lethal.
stop typing.

 
 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@11:02 PM




I'm sorry guys. This is Cannon. There's been another massive existential System shakeup and frankly I'm probably not going to update here for a long while, or at least until this is settled.

There's too much problematic stuff still entrenched in our function, that really needs to go. Problem is, a lot of it we've accepted as "normal" or we've even grown to love. It has to go. No exceptions. No mercy either. Which is probably why I'm back up front.

Laurie says I can't commit suicide, if for no other reason than for her sake. I said then what the heck do I do with this daily life. We don't know. We've gotta try though. I suppose it's all we can do. No giving up, no surrender.

I've been crying for the past hour, somewhere between choking and screaming. My legs are bleeding. I want to sleep forever.

Again, I'm sorry. I know this feels cruel but really we NEED to purge the ranks and fix what's been corrupted, in one way or another. That's why we keep having these System resets, apparently. People are sensing that something is rotten in Denmark so they're just razing the whole place, but then they're rebuilding it the same way. That's not going to work anymore.

I don't know what the hell to do. Not for the most part. This existential mess I'm talking about... well, it's religious. And it's sexual. And it's rather seriously freaking traumatic, at the moment. That should say enough.
I don't know how to cope, personally. Maybe we ALL need to die in order to "cope" with this, I don't even know anymore. I really have no idea what to do. But I just hope it's too soon. I'm going to give it a few days, at least. Hope to God, or whatever God really is, that this somehow ends in a way that won't annihilate us and turn us into our worst fear-- a fear which were now being told is inevitable, and desirable. So it sucks, it really does.

I'm tired. I'm very tired, and now I'm so damn shook up that I don't even want to die because now I don't know what the hell is waiting for me after that. I'm afraid it's hell forever now. And the worst part is that it can easily NOT be hell, if I just "stop resisting" and "learn to like it."
Basically, there's no place for asexuals in heaven.

I really hope that's not true. I really hope it's not true. But right now I actually want to just sob because life feels utterly devoid of hope right now, I've lost all direction in life, what the hell do I do, where the hell do I go, I have no idea.

Maybe I'll end up dead, who knows. Right now the System says I need to be the main person because I'm "protecting" us from this existential dread. I'm a fighter who won't give in to that. But... the fear is that we have to. The fear is that we cannot be what we desperately want to be, because it really is morally wrong, so to speak.
God I don't even know. I'm sorry.

Bottom line is, we're trying to restructure headspace from the bottom up. We have a lot of questions that need to be answered, and a lot of anger over things that have been allowed to continue over the years and should NOT have been allowed to continue.
Things will not, or at least SHOULD NEVER be the way they were before this entry. A lot NEEDS to change.
A few people aren't going to be coming back, no matter how difficult that may be. They can't. It's toxic. If they want to come back, they have to come back differently. Simple as that.

Good night. My neck hurts from the knives and I'm just exhausted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey, this may sound superfluous but it is mandatory and I can't not write this now, with current events.

I'm reviewing the archives, as well as recent entries,
and I am largely ashamed of a lot of things we allowed to happen, or thought were "permissable," or let ourselves be pressganged or coerced or sweet-talked into. Whether from inside or outside, we tried to justify TOO much horrid or harmful behavior/ thoughts/ etc., and seeing how some of our past fronters almost reveled in that AND even started tainting others in the System with it...
Long story short, I am currently drowning in humiliated contrition, carrying the guilt that those people didn't seem to be fazed by.

No wonder we had so many reset attempts over the past three years. Some part of us actively recognized how poisonous and corrupt we were becoming, no matter how much sugar was thrown over it, and was trying desperately to just STOP it.

I'm going way back now, trying to find evidence of who we ARE, who we WERE before all this internalized programming really began to take hold, and redefine itself AS us... it's a tangled sticky mess, there's a lot of confusion here, but I'm getting a better grip on it. It's going to be a long process, we're going to have to re-learn almost EVERYTHING... we're going to have to put MASSIVE effort and determination and dedication into this. Shame and self-hatred and guilt are still getting in the way, but those things have a lot of roots IN the programming. "The only acceptable behavior is what OTHERS tell you to do," etc.

It's nonsense but we're slowly healing.
The hardest part is going to be staying intact during the healing, because those messages define US as wrong/ immoral/ stupid/ etc.
And yeah, looking back, the brunt of that came FROM Tumblr. So I'm rather pissed that we keep "running back" to the communities on that website solely because we have now come to BELIEVE that and are "desperately looking for instruction" when the only damn reason we went on that site in the FIRST place is because we were "desperately looking for support."
We have virtually no goddamn support system, even now, and when this Tumblr shit started we were willing to crucify ourselves just to "get someone to like us." We tried too goddamn hard to "present ourselves" in a way that "other people could relate to," in a way that would "show we were NORMAL," or at least "fit the mold" of "abnormal" that the communities we were entering seemed to proclaim...
Long story short, we tried too freaking hard, and the result is that we got legions of anons telling us that we were disgusting, shameful, proud and immature and malevolent fakers.
That took a heavy toll, to say the least.


But this is what I'm talking about.
We DO NOT HATE PEOPLE. We have NOTHING AGAINST PEOPLE on that website.
But it sounds that way. All this "I can't stand Tumblr" stuff is almost hypocritical, with us saying "don't say you despise a whole group when it's only the actions of a few/ your perceptions of the whole that cause that despising!"
It's like this with so many things now, the bitterness makes things feel global, with the projection. It's happening with sexuality/ gender, religion/ spirituality, and social behavior... things we cannot avoid, or fully isolate ourselves from, or alter on a global scale. And honestly to do any of those things would be very harmful and unwise. What we REALLY want is to feel accepted, not in the sense of "whee I have friends! =D" but in the sense of "these groups don't view me as the devil himself," basically.
Maybe that's residue from the past too. But again, we are basically incapable of putting guilt on anyone but ourself, because to us everyone else IS blameless. And saying otherwise feels condemnable. Yes, we've been reading for weeks on how toxic our particular religious upbringing was, and that very self-damning mindset IS a direct teaching of it... even so, even so we STILL say, "but it IS our fault!" Everything "bad" that happened to us, we see as only having been "bad" because WE made it bad. We were the mandatory factor that BROUGHT harm and evil into the situation, and that is SUCH a toxic mindset, we want it GONE, it is utterly sabotaging everything we do...
But then we go and say/ think/ do things like we have been doing over the years, and no matter where those words/ thoughts/ actions originally had their impetus or instruction, we were the ones that internalized it,  and therefore WE hold the blame. We should have known better.
And we really should have. We really should know better by this point, damn it. But the same doubt telling us "you don't know anything for sure on your own!" is the same thing making us perpetuate the "we are evil and just don't realize it" lie we've been fed, too.
It's disgusting and it's making me very sick and sad and I WANT to say otherwise, I WANT to say "we're good" and all that BUT the two obstacles to that are,
1. "that's pride, that's the ultimate sin, NO ONE is good" (aka the grandparents teaching)
2. "saying 'we' is a deluded lie, you're making that up to be 'special' and 'manipulative,' no one 'inside your head' is real" (aka the mother, and most social exposure)
So we are terrified of EXISTING as we are at this point.
We want to be "us," and we want to be "good," we want to be positive and bright and inspiring... we really do want to be.
But we feel like such drama kings & queens just by talking. Just typing here feels like a "performance," a "filthy game for attention," like we're twisting everyone else's necks to adore us and worship us and shit.
WE'RE NOT, it's just nice to speak up sometimes. Is it? Is that rude? To assert our existence? Is that being egotistical?
And I hate this shit, people saying "mankind is a social animal!" "You NEED friends!" "Community is key!" and then the instant I try to make friends or socialize, "you're just making all this about yourself!" "Narcissist!" "Stop being so dependent and learn to be independent!"
I'm sorry. I'm rambling again.
Even apologizing feels shameworthy. "Who the heck cares if you're 'sorry?' That's emotional manipulation! You should just keep your mouth shut in the first place! If someone's mad at you, don't "apologize," take the punishment!"

This is all making me realize just how toxic my upbringing must have been. Was it? If I can trace this stuff back to childhood family dynamics, why does my family say "we never said that!" "we never did that!" "how dare you accuse me of that!" "i can't do anything in this house without you blaming me!"
is that nice beahvior? are we doing something bad by asking?



Here's what I'm trying to say.
I am profusely sorry for any negative talk towards any person/ group of persons we have EVER written on this website.
We hold no enmity towards people, only towards the way WE internalize certain mindsets/ behavior patterns/ etc.
So the blame and loathing falls ON US ALONE. Everyone outside, you are all completely okay, we DO NOT HATE YOU.


I am secretly terrified that our readers, the few people that do care about us as a collective person, have grown to hate us and/or view us as toxic/ harmful/ immoral/ a bad influence/ etc.
Every negative entry we write on here, ever, INCLUDING this one, only gets posted as a result of swallowing a horrific amount of guilt and fear, a reticence fueled by moral paranoia.
"DON'T post stuff like that!! Don't even THINK about stuff like that, let alone talk about it!"
in other words,
"Get your negative moody dark-cloud energy the HECK out of my FACE!!"
...
except in nicer words, that's where the real fear comes in.
"I don't expose myself to negative energy, honey."
and that's FINE, we're HAPPY for you,
but
does that mean that if we're dealing with that negative energy that we're deluded??
are we fake? are we evil because we're in a shadowy spot?
are we "the antichrist" and don't realize it?
that's another childhood thing.

But we just read a quote on this. From an article online (from a website we will NOT link as it's highly disturbing)
This has religious overtones but for us personally, those are still strongly relevant.

"One of the creepiest things... is that they teach that happy is the only acceptable emotion. If you do not have a joyful countenance, you are publicly shaming your authorities. In other words, if the kid looks unhappy, it is a personal offense against the parents. [He] also has nauseating quotes and anecdotes about how any time his kids expressed unhappiness or anger they were hit even harder and longer until they were cheerful. How twisted is that? Children are taught from babyhood to always be cheerful, or else they deserve a spanking. As they grow older, it is not just the fear of a spanking that causes them to keep smiling. It is the sincere belief that they are sinning with ingratitude, rebellion and more if they don’t present a happy face.
You know the whole fake it till you make it idea? It is pretty effective. I am sure that there are plenty of times where the kids are genuinely happy. There are many good things in their lives, and I do believe that the kids are loved. I am not saying that it is all a sham. I *do* strongly suspect that the habit of “joyfulness” is so deeply ingrained that denying “ungodly emotions” such as anger... and unhappiness (which is a sinful lack of gratitude) is automatic by now.
For many people... appearance is everything. As long as you appear happy, then you must be. There is also strong pressure to be a witness. Your countenance is your testimony, and if you present an ugly picture to the world, it is a public shaming of your parents and ultimately your God. Are you going to be the cause of people in the world turning from Christ? …So when I hear someone say, “But they look so happy!” I can’t help but think, “Of course they do. They know that happy is the only acceptable emotion in their world. But is it really happiness when you aren’t allowed to express anything else?”


That sums up this emotion problem pretty well I think.

Geez this entry got really tangled really quick. I'm sorry.


I just want to say again, I apologize if anything we have said in these Archives has personally offended or harmed you. We never intended that. We do not want to offend or harm anyone here, and I say that with sincerity.

Our main goals here are to
1. record our personal psychospiritual progress, including our struggles as well as our joys, and
2. to hopefully offer solidarity, support, warning, and/or inspiration to people experiencing similar things.

We want to be a helpful, positive influence. We don't want to be a source of dread when we walk into a room. We want to be a beacon of light, that's all we want. Even if that light has to shine through some pretty filthy tar-stained places in order to shine, damn it we still want to glow at least.


I need to finish backing up some files, maybe get some positive Leaguework done later, shed some genuine uncorrupted color on both our life and someone else's.


We wish you all well today, no matter where you are, physically and metaphysically both.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, it's official. We've pushed the body too far.

Slow suicide does work. Five solid years of beating up this form in every way possible, I honestly expected this to happen sooner or later, but… it's still a shock, to suddenly realize that your symptoms have passed the point of no return and now, it's any day that the violet-robed skeleton could come knocking at your door.

I suppose maybe we needed this. There's a sort of "to hell with the status quo" mindset that comes along with this sort of ultimatum. You no longer give a shit about the meaningless, soul-sucking things.

So part of me really does not care about "waiting" or any of that stuff anymore. I really don't give a shit. No one else has got this but me and I want to SHARE what I have left before it's too late.

I'm going to start posting EVERYTHING we have on the Leagueworlds. Maybe that means nothing to you, but it means everything to us. It's all I have. It's all I've ever had. It was my only joy in life, my only passion, my only dream. I'm not going to kick the bucket without seeing it fulfilled in some way, even if only a small way-- in getting it out there into the imaginations of other people. That alone is enough, if it is done.
I used to be so damn ashamed of how "childish" my art and writing tends to be, of how I struggle with writing for "people" and instead do weeks worth of worldbuilding that few people seem to care for… I used to be so utterly ashamed of not being "perfect" right off the bat, that I wouldn't share anything.
Right now, I don't care. Right now I am just going to say, "I love these Worlds and the people in them, and I am doing my best to express what I see/hear/feel from them, for other people to experience and benefit from. If it's from my heart, the message will get through truthfully, no matter what the message 'looks' like."

I'm so tired. Now I know why, haha. But really I'm very tired. (The stress, lack of sleep and proper food isn't helping either, I suppose.)
Still I can push myself. If it gets too exhausting I can just boot up FL and write some tunes, just fiddle around with notes maybe, come up with something new. I can always re-read the original Dream World scripts too, which I adore to the end of the earth and which I would LOVE to share ASAP, except they were written by me age 10 and so they're rather full of plotholes. Still. I want to share them.

The only obstacle to all this: now I REALLY need to pay off that pledge and "immortalize" ourself, haha. Problem is I am ALSO going to be going to Sheppard Pratt in less than two months (it's inevitable now) soooo we can't quite nab a full-time job in the face of that, which we were trying to do. I don't know. I WANT a job, so badly, but most of the local opportunities are 1. cashier or 2. truck driver. That's about it! I can't safely do either, so I get overwhelmed when I feel I'm being shoehorned into those roles.
I'm crossing my fingers and praying I can land a paper-route job where I live, as that would be MUCH less stressful and we could EASILY handle that. Plus it's early morning, and it's in a car. IDEAL! So I'm super hoping.

I dunno. This all hit so fast. Amusingly I'm not "trying to wrap my mind around it" though. I've felt sick for long enough that, like I said, I expected this sooner or later. It's just a matter of finality now, the entire aura of things changes. It's like… there's a deadline now, and yet now there are also no limits like there were before. Caution and fear get tossed to the wind. Geez I feel kind of guilty for not having somehow adopted this mindset sooner, but… weirdly, when there's /too/ much life, it tends to sap the life out of you? Like a cancer, if you've got too much time or life or space it can calcify you. The minute you start shaking things up, making things shatter… well, then life suddenly feels like LIFE. It's the most damn ironic thing, and I'm actually laughing about it now.

Still coming to terms with this. Kind of. I mean I've been thinking about this for weeks anyway. I guess it's just the "any day now" bit that's weird. Like… playing a video game, knowing that there's a thunderstorm outside and the power is bound to go out soon. Until it does, though, I'm going to play the hell out of that game, because now I know every second counts. NOW I have something /opposing/ the "casual calm" of daily life, now I have electricity crashing around my head telling me that without endings there can be no beginnings. And then the power goes out. My save file is totally borked. Yet I'm still here.

That's the most… that's the neatest thing about this, I can't put it into words. It's the sudden, acute knowledge that even if the freaking game disc breaks, I'm still sitting in the living room. Suddenly I'm aware of playing the game even while I'm playing it. I'm the character on screen and yet I'm also not. It's never been this sharp before. It's… it's nice, actually. Profoundly relieving. Strangely inspiring. And also kind of mind-bogglingly scary, haha.

This is Jewel by the way. Sorry. I don't think I announced myself anywhere? Still getting used to that.
Someone else started this (no idea who) but they mentioned the Leagueworlds so wha-la, here I am.

All right. Really can't waste any more time typing. I have work to do and stuff to study.
Also I'm feeling rather sick? Jay was trying to talk to some faceless voices after therapy and there are apparently a LOT of old ones who are damaged and scared and hurt and just want to cry, or yell, or be cared for. They were NEVER allowed to express that. So there's like… at least a full decade of mourning that needs to be done? So to speak. So that's probably why I'm sick and tired. This probably just highlighted the issue even more, added yet ANOTHER loss to the list, kind of the trump card here. I for one know it’s not an /entire/ loss but still. I can be kind of misunderstanding at times? I don't always 'get' when other people are sad about losing things. I guess I'm too much fire. But I can respect that they need time. So I'll leave and let them do what they need to, when they need to.
Laurie's apparently been pushing Jay for a Xanga lately, but she says it's too late tonight so "do whatever you were doing." They're gonna plan for tomorrow I think.
All right I'm off then.

It feels so weird to close this entry like a normal entry. Doesn't feel right. Um…
Thanks for reading and caring, it really means a lot that at least this was able to have some positive effects on people? I'm really happy about that too. It's something, at least, something good.

Geez we really have so much to do yet. Maybe the Sheppard Pratt time will help that. Anyway not going to worry about tomorrow right now. No use doing that.
Have a good night everyone, sleep well, don't go to bed angry. See you whenever.

-Jewel L 

 

 

 

 

(completely uncensored. it would lose all its honesty otherwise.)

 

 

 

I am so disgusted right now by both the world, and by myself

1. there is so much fcking horrid stuff going on out there, and
2. part of me hates people for doing those things.




I abused myself so much today already I am so sorry.
I keep detaching from this body, and then when it gets all mucked up and awful I'm still detached somewhat. numb. not even comprehending why I SHOULD care. it's sad




these is so much toxicity out there and it's getting into me and I'm scared of it

there's a seething hatred towards men that was never there before
not just men, masculinity in general
which includes me
which is making me hate myself for being transgender
which is making me hurt myself more
which is making me suicidal because I am now stuck between TWO "evils"
either look/feel like my rapists, or look/feel like their rapists
I fcking hate this world
I fcking hate this
"rapist" shouldn't even be a fcking word
no one should do that ever ever ever

but this poison is in my/our brain now and it's making me paranoid and I don't know what to do

it's terrible

I'm not a boy
I'm not a girl
I'm not a man
I'm not a woman

okay?
please
let me be

at this point I really wish I was noncorporeal, like a mist or something
it's unbearable
the hormones are helping with a lot, don't get me wrong, it's great
but THEN here comes this internalized anti-male-everything thought process
even if I'm NOT a guy, "god forbid" I take on ANY characteristics of one
it's making me very very unsure of myself

but I cannot, I cannot live in a female-bodied body
I can't
god help me but I can't, I tried, it was unbearable
still is for the most part.
but I can't, I can't,
please realize females aren't inherently faultless, flawless,
I'm not saying they're bad
I'm just saying that in my life 99% of the people who were abusive towards me were women
the men were harmless by comparison
please
I'm not a woman and I don't want to look/feel like THEM either
there are two sides to this coin

but I still feel like being demi-masculine is evil now.

this is bullshit where did this come from

a lot of it IS internally generated, I've noticed
yes tumblr is toxic as HELL and I want to LEAVE THAT WEBSITE FOREVER
the only reason I haven't is because I have friends on there
I will have to apologize because really, I do not feel safe on that website, at all
I do not like it there
I hope they wouldn't mind if I just quit because god I NEED to, I want to leave so badly
but I keep thinking "stay for the audience" "stay to help and inspire people"
fck this, is this going to be my life forever
self-sacrifice left and right? up and down?
flay yourself bloody because someone else might gain a tiny bit of insight from it?
that's been my life so far, absolutely, I'm sick of it
but that feels "blasphemous" to say
the oldest fear in my head is "you NEED to suffer or you will NEVER be holy enough."
basically,
"you don't deserve heaven unless you've PAID for it"
it's the fear that, just by being born, I inherited an overwhelming debt
and I need to spend my life "suffering" to make up for the intense "bad" I committed by being born, like ruining my mother's life, forcing my family to pay for food and medical care for me, being "abnormal" and therefore inconveniencing and upsetting everyone else, et cetera
whenever something nice happens to me, my instant thought is:
"how do I pay them back for this?" or, "how will I end up paying for this?"
no free lunch, basically
it didn't hit me until yesterday that I might already deserve some nice things?
like, if someone was kind to me, it was because I had already done something to pay that price
that just… blows my mind. I feel that nothing I've done, ever, is "good" let alone "good enough"
someone ELSE has to do good FOR me, and then the "good" I do is BECAUSE I am PAYING SOMEONE BACK.
that's the sad core of this really.
it's that childhood scared belief that I, as I am, am worthless and bad unless I am working in total servitude to another being, without any free will of my own
except that has done nothing but put me through hell so far
the family means well but god they are not always right, they are not always right
sometimes they are downright toxic and I am still struggling to accept that
and then there are these floating voices,
all the messages outside, online and in books,
everything else.
everything that speaks against what my heart is allegedly wanting or saying.
but no, "you can't listen to your own heart, it's corrupt! all the evils of man come from the heart! only god knows what is right. …and I am a mouthpiece for god, therefore you must listen to ME."
also insinuating that "god is not in my heart" which is literally the definition of hell and is THE most existentially terrifying thought ever, ever, ever
but that's the religious paranoia.
"god is out THERE, he is NOT in you, for you are flawed and an unworthy vessel. you must obey everything you are told, NEVER what you think on your own."
bullshit
I mean
please let it be bullshit
I mean
I will still obey, I won't fight or anything
but
if I question things please don’t be so mad at me?
I mean
I want to be able to question things without automatically getting crushed by fear and guilt
its terrible when I realize that,
every time, EVERY TIME, I think "well I'm not sure,"
I AM WRONG.
I AM PROVEN AWFULLY WRONG OVER AND OVER
and so I am taught, BY PROOF, that I REALLY AM INHERENTLY FLAWED
and cannot know what is right on my own

and so I spend 40 minutes staring at the same spot in a grocery aisle because I'm trying to figure out what floating voices to listen to and whether or not they're good or wise or even sensible, and then I second-guess myself over and over, and then by the time I get home I am so sick and guilty and tired and angry that I abuse myself and destroy whatever I bought because fck you, fck you I am tired of this, I am tired of being a puppet, I am tired

then they have the nerve to suggest that I'm "not psychotic"
do you have any fcking idea
listen I am trying desperately to put a name to this condition I'm in and that MATCHES
they've been putting us on antipsychotic pills for years anyway
but if that label fits, then hey, maybe NOW we can GET ACTUAL RELEVANT HELP
then again maybe it's just me
partly?
the stuff they label as "hallucinations" and "delusions" are TYPICAL in the body no matter what, ask any social fronter ever.
and hell they cause us a LOT of distress we just don't ever talk about them because we're paranoid or don't want people to know. if they know they could make it worse, after all.
but yeah maybe I'm the worst
maybe it's just because of the d.i.d. that they won't diagnose us with the other things we match symptoms for

but really I don't want to be fcking "mentally ill" I don't want a laundry list of diagnoses and pills to match
I want to be able to say, "here are the terms to describe what we are currently going through,"
but damn it THEY WILL NOT STOP ME
I AM NOT A VICTIM HERE
if a symptom pisses me off I will try to heal it, or at least we all will
but a lot of the "symptoms" for these things AREN'T "symptoms" in an illness sense?
a lot of the "symptoms" are part of WHO WE ARE
and that's the problem
you walk into an office and they're like "tell me what’s bothering you"
and typically the answer is,
"nothing we're totally fine"
because damn it lady we're not going to tell you about what else we see/feel in the room,
or about what happened in headspace last night,
or about this frustrating society shit we're dealing with,
or the suicidal thoughts or the depression or the panic or the paranoia,
we're not going to tell you ANYTHING about the religious mission because YOU'LL probably try to tell us it's "delusional" too.
and really don't forget about the ~apathy~ that you TAUGHT us to feel because
"you're not supposed to have problems!"
or, as they would say,
"oh, don't be like that!" "don't be so silly!" "grow up!" "man up!" "this is why I hate being in this house!" "it's all in your head!" "just don't pay attention to it and it'll go away!" ET CETERA.
in other words,
"you're not acting "normal" and that makes me uncomfortable so please force yourself to act "normal" thanks."
which is kind of sad, what is it about "abnormality" that frightens these people so much?
is it because they have things like this lurking beneath the surface that they don't want to accept or look at?
like some things, they can be so scary you don't want to acknowledge they exist. I know, that happens.
maybe that's why "abnormal" people scare "normal" people. because deep down I don't think anyone is ever really "normal" in that sense.
anyway

secretly we want to be the super-vanilla happy springtime white linen dresses pure happy kid
like the poster child for a healthy normal well-adjusted childhood
you know what I mean.
we WANT to be so utterly guileless, so totally flawless and innocent and untouched, and naïve even,
we WANT to be that pure and virginal. totally. absolutely.
but
people laugh at that?
people condemn that, actually
"it's so shallow"
"it's so fake and boring"
you know what I don't give a shit
or at least part of me doesn't
part of me doesn't care how "dull" it may be to you, we WANT to be that innocent again,
you don't appreciate what you had until it's gone


that's another thing that fcking sucks about adulthood and misogyny and shit
women are infantilized,
which is really fcking annoying and REALLY fcking disturbing,
women like that terrify us absolutely,
but also
children are sexualized.
read that again
children are sexualized.
do you see the problem
the double problem here
we identify more as a child than anything, when it comes down to it
there are a lot of kids in this system
and guess what,
they're the traumatized ones.
how fcked up is that.
how fcking fcked up is that
it breaks my heart


and now, now in our adulthood, now we're getting a taste of BOTH poisons because like I said,
you start presenting as a man and you get the backlash of this shit
of all the hurt ones screaming out in the primal way, the only way they know how to at first,
"destroy what destroyed me"
we know the feeling, it's what made us misogynistic in the first place
and we are so so so sorry
so maybe this is karma
but we're learning and we want to heal this in ourselves too.

so we're still hating ourselves for being transgender, isn't that awful

but that isn't even the worst part
remember we are still genderqueer as a whole
so although we're presenting as masculine
there is still accepted and embraced femininity in here
and this is bad because,
the same fcking society that says "kill all men"
is the same damn society that says "women are objects"
just different sides, same shit
oh yeah, and also
BOTH men and women are reduced to sexual caricatures
EVERYONE is expected to be sleeping with someone
even if you're not straight or cisgendered
I was never objectified as much as I was after I tried joining the "gay community"
or the "trans community" too
which is really fcking awful
all anyone did in either of those was talk about sex
like is that all we are? even in our own eyes?
we reduce ourselves to nothing but sexual behaviors?
so then the cishet people portray themselves as the "glorifed normal" in contrast to the "depraved queers"
please forgive my language
but yeah look at the bullshit the cishet people are putting out
all this goddamn porn and abusive relationships and FCKING SEXUALIZING CHILDREN
yeah the non-cishets aren't innocent either but damn it that's not the point right now.
the point is that this society built on the whole straight white cisgender male authority shit is UTTERLY FCKING TERRIBLE and IT NEEDS TO BE FCKING BURNT TO THE GROUND AT THIS POINT
thanks patriarchy you fcking suck

so.
we have got one hell of a task, living in this world
1. heal the misogyny
2. heal the misandry
3. heal the trauma
4. stand strong as ourself
5. don't hate anyone

#5 is so difficult lately and that's scary
is it the depression? I heard misanthropy can be a symptom and that surprised me
but
for us it's religious
damn it everything is religious with us, WHY
oh wait, I know why'
it's because we were raised this way and the environment didn't fcking begin to change until we were about 18, 19 years old
and to top it all off we're also dealing with "mental illness" on top of all that

but
the trauma made it worse
makes it worse
like
where do you draw the line

there are people out there screeching "freedom of speech" and "liberation" and shit
but so much of it is SO WRONG in our eyes at least
just
god what do we do
we are trying so hard to just "live and let live" but
I don't know

this awful hyperreligious mindset makes things so damn difficult
we are legit convinced we are something "chosen"
in whatever sense
but those damn demonic floating voices keep saying "you blasphemer, no you're not, you're shit, you're dirt, you're worthless, god would spit on you, you are worth NOTHING"
and then I think "well you wouldn't be fcking saying that if you weren't trying to STOP me now would you"
to which they start to threaten me and swear at me and all sorts of other scary things
then the fcking physical "hallucinations" happen.
which is "just great" as sarcasm would put it. sarcasm only happens because you're bitter about the truth but don't want to admit the truth because you feel ashamed or doubtful or self-loathing about it.
the truth is, it is NOT great, it is TERRIBLE,
BUT
virtually everyone we've ever admitted that to says "you're fcking crazy"
our grandmother literally told us "you're imagining it all, so don't worry"
here's the thing
imagination is some heavy-duty shit okay, it's terrifying
but imagination is self-generated. it means I CHOSE to think about this thing and pursue it on my own.
even the most terrifying imagined things I CAN turn off. i know. i've done it.
but
this isn't something i chose damn it
this is on the OUTSIDE
all those fcking floating voices are on the OUTSIDE and they are trying to get IN and I WON'T LET THEM
i really wish i could just turn it off, but
i can't
real shit, you can't turn off the real shit
good or bad
cover your ears all you want, they keep shouting
ignore them all you want, they just laugh
it is fcking horrible
the only thing that stops them is headspace
but that's a whole other problem.




people won't stop using the given name
god please that hurts so much too
is that selfish? demanding? childish?




the impulses are upsetting too, especially when laced with this apathy
it's daily now
I mean I can easily not act on them, I recognize them as impulses, but they are tied to powerful gut reactions and that's why they're scary.
violet impulses are common. I keep wanting to break things, throw things, bite things and shred them, attack people, hurt people. but I don't. I don't because I realize there is just this awful ACHE in me that wants to come out in screaming sobs because it's in DESPAIR but no one gives a shit. and I don't know how to cope and I WANT to cope. but that's where the violence comes from, it's boil-over
the suicidal impulses are tougher.
I keep having to put down knives, put down razors. (god help me that hurts my heart so bad)
I keep catching myself(?) with pill bottles. sometimes methodically just eating them like candy. but then mr. sandman or someone will shout at us to spit it out, and they are so LOUD that I(?) do. just dullness, no emotion. problem is then ten minutes later it'll happen again. over and over
that's making the eating disorder worse too. someone found out exactly what foods make us the sickest, and they are eating them. on purpose. to make us sick.
the WORST part? it's mainly "punishment" for "getting sick in the first place"
how's that for ableism
"what's that? you're lactose intolerant? you get sick from peanuts and sunflowers and coconut? you can't eat corn or gluten or meat without excruciating pain and meltdowns? you can't even eat fruit without being bedridden for the next two hours? well tough shit sweetheart! :) you HAVE to eat those foods to be a good, normal human being!! :) it's ok sweety just keep eating them a little each day and then you'll be okay again~"
and that hurts
that HURTS because we BELIEVE them these people are so NICE and yet
and yet
they're
not always right?
or are they, maybe they are, and we're just being fcking disobedient little shits
somehow
so we force ourself to eat these things because "we want to get better" BUT it's NOT WORKING
all this "exposure therapy" is NOT FCKING WORKING

it was the same thing with the sexuality, okay
god damn you, it didn't work, okay
okay????
I want to scream and sob, there's where the violent impulses are coming from, hello overwhelming urge to bloody my knuckles on this wall
god
it didn’t work okay
yeah, it sure as hell planted the seeds of misanthropic apathy. but that's about it.
you exposed us to SO MUCH SHIT that now,
NOW,
WE CAN ENDURE THAT SHIT AND NOT CARE.
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED RIGHT
THAT'S "NORMAL" AND "GOOD" RIGHT????
TO JUST "TAKE IT" OR WHATEVER THE FCK YOU WANT US TO DO

be a "good little christian girl" and get married
to some who-the-fck-is-this tall white brown-haired smiling stranger boy man
that the fcking media keeps shoving in our faces
they ALL LOOK THE SAME
but we have to "be good"
society says that sort of aesthetic criteria lineup is "cute" or "hot" or "attractive"
so register it as such damn you
and you had BETTER be attracted to them damn you
otherwise you are FLAWED and SOMETHING IS "WRONG WITH YOU"
go marry that stubble-faced smiling suited stranger like a good girl
and fck them until you have four or five babies
and then be a woman
and a wife
for the rest of your fcking life
now you are a housewife sex object with no autonomy
and this is the shit SO MANY WOMEN are going through it's SHIT

problem is,
we're not a woman,
but we're not a man either,
and either way,
we don't WANT to get married,
we don't WANT to have kids,
we DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX,
we DON'T WANT ANY OF THAT

but they say "no you have to"

misogyny breeds misandry
there are both men and women with ugly, ugly personalities
I don't want to think of either gender as being defined by that
but
this culture is making it really hard to even comprehend the concept of binary gender OUTSIDE of that skewed disaster
like, you have to completely abandon the whole "cishet only" thing JUST to be able to see people as basic human beings at this point
which sounds kind of "special snowflakey" but really, look at our fcking culture
we have ingrained this disgusting false image of "what it means to be a man" and "what it means to be a woman" so much, so repeatedly, that I think we need to totally abandon that whole mindset first
it's not just about biology or reproduction, shit why is that the focus all the time
there's so much more to it than that, and THAT is what we need to start looking at, the NON-SEXUAL stuff, people are more than that, humans are more than their anatomy
I mean seriously look at religion, male/female is all about creation characteristics, reproduction is just one tiny bit on the whole list, why the hell don't we look at it THAT way,
I guess I'm just trying to say I want humanity to look as itself as transcendent more often,
stop defining male and female in terms of negative qualities and sexual behavior
why am I even talking about this I don't understand this topic at all
it's making me sick
I'm just sick of not being able to go anywhere without getting an eyeful of that construction
I'm so tired of the outside world
all the stuff out there, it hurts.



I have karissa following me. with her saw.
the fcking floating demons keep trying to touch me
god damn it I DON'T WANT THEM TOUCHING ME
so she's patrolling the room
she can ghost to do that which is important
a lot of the dangerous people are on the OUTSIDE
so laurie can't really attack them.
but karissa can.
I'll see if there are other people like her around

see, there,
that's it,
this,
as soon as I start talking about them this LIGHT goes on and a weight is lifted
my chest feels lighter and my head feels clearer
see, you doubters, this is REAL
this is real and it is GOOD


I don't want sex
how many times this week have I been saying that
goddamn full moon in scorpio I guess, that's what someone told me
scorpio's our lilith thing on the natal chart so hey.
biggest burden to bear for humanity. biggest lesson to transmute.
well we're willing to do it but damn it it's SCARY on days like this because,
we're asexual and nonbinary and aromantic and this is totally alien
and also trauma history.
but I guess that's part of it.
anyway the damn floating voices keep trying to touch me
and I don't want it
but they keep forcing it
but I DON'T WANT IT

I can stop them now. I can stop them now. it's liberating.
they try to get us in the mornings like they used to but I can STOP them now
chaos is pissed off at them and he won't let them anywhere near us
genesis is learning to differentiate but he's got massive trauma history too
so he and I are dealing with the same weird confusion.
when you've been "used" sexually for so long,
when you've been told so much that sex is "all you're good for,"
or worse,
"all you're meant for,"
then even if you don't want it and/or are terrified of it,
you keep getting trapped in those situations because your subconscious keeps hysterically saying,
"this is all we're worth, we don't have another choice, this is what we have to do for other people"
it hurts.
I don't want this.
no one wants this

but of course there's the other issues like,
we want to cry
we want to be able to FEEL pain
we want to be able to FIGHT BACK
we want to be able to CARE ABOUT OUR OWN HEALTH AND SAFETY
and stop thinking of all of that in black and white
like,
"well you don't crash your car on purpose, so you obviously DO care! therefore don't make any fcking excuses, you're not fighting back because you secretly WANT it (the abuse which they consider "normal")."
fck you
do you have any idea how often during driving we literally, literally,
close our eyes for extended periods because if we crash then hey fcking fantastic it's over
have to stop ourselves from just letting the car drift into traffic or off a non-guarded cliff
do you not fcking realize
apathy is more dangerous than rage
plague is more dangerous than tar
it's the slow suicide that will kill you sooner, ironically.
people see the pill bottles go down. people see the bloody weapons. people see the nooses, the rifles, the car engines on idle. people see you walking to the top stories of buildings, of bridges.
the fast suicides are seen and reacted to with anger, shame, accusation, et cetera. they will catch you and they will do everything they can to villainize you for it, and make sure you never ever attempt it again.
but.
but.
and here's the awful thing.
if you learn to do it slow, they won't care anymore.
no one will stop you.
sometimes they will even help you. or praise you.
they probably won't even believe you if you told them
they'd scoff or laugh it off or chide you like an insolent baby
but they won't do shit to stop it.
and that's the horrible, horrible loophole
that if you really do want to die, you can die a little each day
and then one day it'll catch up to you
they don't see it until it's too late and you're gone
they don't see the tiny scars adding up, they don't see the little poisons slipped into your food, they don't see the sleep deprivation, they don't see the forced psychological trauma, they don't see you wandering too close to the edges of things, they don't see how carelessly you drive, they don't see you taking one too many pills too often, they don't see you slowly fading away at the edges until

one day the grim reaper is gonna show up
but I've met him, I've met him,
and it's breaking my heart because he doesn’t like seeing people go out like this
and I've asked him to take me before but he said "no"
and I WANT to live,
damn it I WANT to live, so badly, god I want to LIVE

but.
but this is a tough world to live in and sometimes I doubt my ability to survive it safely

so I guess I do care about my well-being
in a larger sense
therefore
if this world is sabotaging my spirit sometimes I think it'd be the wiser option to just up and leave it



where did I even start with all this
this is one hell of a brainspill entry I am sorry this is a mess
I don't even know who I am, sorry therapist,
I'm old like I'm tied to fluorescent bathroom lights and old knives.
like 2008-2009 I guess
but anyway I'm old.

it fcking sucks to not even know your own name but that's typical on the outside
maybe on the inside I'd know who I am but translation is always weird
people always seem to "lose" some of themselves on the outside because
1. it's in a body and that's disorienting enough sometimes and
2. there are evil socials in this body that don't want us fronting and will sabotage us, and
3. floating goddamned voices
4. nobody outside believing I exist
5. not being able to be "my own person" and "in the body" at the same time

did you know, gaining a self-identity means you cannot be out in public
why the fck is that how this system works
the moment you gain a sense of integrity and individuality, guess what you're out of fronting
this is why we want to meditate ALL THE TIME
because we EXIST when we AREN'T OUTSIDE
but you can't meditate for 8-9 hours a day, can you?
not here at least
but we "can't join a monastery" or other thing like that, because we have "other things to do?"
then I realize they probably wouldn't even let us be a priest because we're not biologically male,
and we're
we're really not cut out to speak for a dogmatic religion.
we don't believe a lot of what our "birth church" believes and that's kind of sad because we love the church, we love the whole christianity thing, but we don't feel welcome there anymore? for the most part? because of what other people in it believe
closed-minded sad stuff
"gays and trannies are evil" is a big one
but try discussing mental illness in a church group
hoo boy
not gonna happen
immediately you're being possessed by satan or something
to which I wanna say
have you ever seen the painting, "the temptation of saint anthony"
like specifically the ones by michelangelo and salvador dali
because that is our fcking life
since we were a child
we will punch those fcking devils in the face
or at least I will.
but yeah bottom line is I'm not the first person to be trying to live the best for god who is being tormented here
and those damn demons keep screeching, "you're a blasphemer, you're a fcking heathen, your pride will damn you to hell," etc.
that's the scary part
the pride
is that the right word for this?

I didn't understand the religious concept of "pride" until lately
and it scares me because it's not really pride in the way we think of it
it's not a "look at me, I'm so great!" thing
it's not in-your-face at all
it's very very subtle.
it's
seeing things going on outside, frightening things, confusing things,
things that I feel are WRONG, that are NOT GOOD THINGS,
and instead of just "live and let live," instead of just "letting them walk their own path,"
something in me says
"yeah but there's a fine line between tolerance and immoral allowance, isn't there?"
like if someone was hurting children do you just shrug and say "it's their own path"
fck no you STOP THEM
you CALL THEM OUT and you EDUCATE PEOPLE NOT TO DO THAT
right?
so that's the problem, does that make it pride if I'm so self-doubting I don't fcking know
if I SHOULD just be "tolerant" or if I should be speaking out
this
this is why I keep tiptoeing around that one word that doesn't even fit
but it does in the "dream world" context. we need a different word.
dream world "prophets" are defined by a heart-deep, maddening, undeniable need to act upon and for the veneration of their Virtue, for a purpose, for a cause
it's not always "good" though, for lack of a better term
like sometimes god decides you need some fire and brimstone
at least that's what I was taught as a child
and it's what I've read in so, so many religious texts
that 'god,' or 'goddess,' or several of each,
is both a creator and destroyer
both giving life and taking life
divinity is sublime and it does what it needs to do
the old testament says that all the time

but it's like in mage angels
with monika
maybe it's human weakness or something I don’t know
maybe it's real divine compassion I don’t know
but
if I was ever given that job
if I had to play the judging god,
even if it was a "good" judgment,
something like a white blood cell,
I couldn't do it.
I really don't think I could do it.

but you know what I don't know if "god" can either
not in the way we keep thinking of it
maybe the whole "fire and brimstone" thing really isn't how it goes
remember that one story in the bible, I forget where,
I think it's moses,
genesis 18. sodom.
“If I find fifty righteous people in the city of Sodom, I will spare the whole place for their sake.”
exodus 32 has some of it too, with the golden calf
"Then the Lord relented and did not bring on his people the disaster he had threatened."
but I'm getting off topic and confused here

the point is I really, really do love humanity
and just like monika
(sorry this is actually a major spoiler)
even if they are being total shitheads
and fcking up everything
and basically just acting in the worst ways a human could act
I couldn't kill them
I couldn't rain hellfire down on their cities
I couldn't destroy them
because I love them
even then
maybe especially then
and I'm just pissed the hell off BECAUSE I love them and because they don't HAVE to be like that
they CAN be brighter, they CAN heal, they CAN change and act wisely and with better judgment,
people ARE good at heart,
I know that and nothing will ever change my mind,

so when I see stuff out there in the world that just feels wrong wrong wrong in my heart,
and people are writing it off as "totally fine" or even "progressive," or "politically correct" or whatever,
I stop and think "that can't be right"
and part of me gets scared and confused that maybe I'm being PROUD or BIGOTED or UNWISE in questioning them,
but another part of me gets furious and angry and livid and wants to fcking cut these people down verbally for suggesting that shit was okay, (that's my main part sadly)
but then the deepest part of me really just wants to know what's REALLY right here.
because we love these people,
and I say "we" with that speaking for the system, like jay wrote before.
written in this heart of ours, written in gold way down is that truth, we really do just love people.

all of us do and damn it it's our greatest weakness and our greatest strength
even me, damn it, even me
that's why we have such trouble
the retributors get it the worst, hence this topic
even the ones like wreckage, they care so much
they are only furious and violent BECAUSE they care so much
and it's why we keep getting lost because no one wants to stoop down to that level
of the ones we're fighting
we don't want to be killers or abusers, we don't even want to be violent anymore
but god comes with a sword and all that
but we don't know what to do
"be soft. don't let the world make you hard. don't let the pain make you hate. don't let the bitterness steal your sweetness. take pride that even if the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."
and that's forever our mantra and I wrote the whole thing because it's important and it's the most fcking heartbreaking thing we could ever say.
be soft, be soft, be soft, but take no shit,
and don't let them bury their knives and claws in you,
be soft but don't bite back, don't draw blood,
or should we?
I don't know
don't hate, don't be bitter, don't harden up.
but what about, what about,
what about all these people on tumblr who are like "it's free speech to make fun of someone else's religion" and the other side is saying "if you insult my religion I have every right to lash out against you because that's totally irreverent" and the response is "don't force your beliefs on me I am under no obligation to revere what you revere" but then I'm like what the hell, it's called BASIC HUMAN DECENCY, I don't give a shit if you don't share their beliefs, DON'T FCKING INSULT THEM ANYWAY, and on the same page, if you have a religion with beliefs that other people don't agree with, RESPECT THAT TOO, JUST STOP FCKING FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER
maybe "free speech" does cover the "right to make fun of anyone ever" but damn it that doesn't make it the "right" thing to do, just because you CAN do it doesn’t mean you SHOULD.
respect, god why the hell don't we just RESPECT each other, like GENUINE RESPECT, not begrudging tolerance or acceptance or whatever, think about it, if respect was at the roots of BOTH sides of this party, there wouldn't BE any fcking problem because both sides would have taken a good look at their stances and thought "hm, is this mutually beneficial?" and if it's NOT then you FCKING DROP IT.
but that's the problem
that's the problem with pride, whether it's religious or not
you need to LISTEN to the other side and genuinely CONSIDER their viewpoint okay

like back to this misogyny thing
most of that, in my childhood, came from people who GENUINELY BELIEVED that what they were saying was 100% "the right thing to do." religious or not.
"respect me," I say, and their response is usually… "I can't respect something that's WRONG." or, something that's "disrespectful" to THEM. and that's where it gets confusing and I hate thinking about this
let me just
think of a solid example.
um on that same topic,
"please respect my asexuality and wish to remain unmarried." when I was younger, I would ask. the top negative response? "I can't respect something that goes against God's will." because they are CONVINCED that being an allosexual in the bounds of marriage was THE "right thing to do."
you get that a lot more with "queer" stuff
people not giving homo/bi/pan/etc.sexuals and transgender/nonbinary people rights, because "it's not right to BE that way in the first place." so they say "I respect you as a person, therefore I am NOT going to allow you to do something that is disrespectful to GOD." see how it gets tangled
man this whole paragraph is tangled I am so sorry
but in religions you get the whole thing of women being treated in a way that often gives them less autonomy and rights than men, and the response is "well that's GOD'S WILL" so they won't even THINK about how the women feel who are not okay with being treated that way, you see what I mean
but I'm upset about this "free speech" thing
"why should I respect your religion if it teaches THAT?"
still I don't think that's reason to be disrespectful. you can disagree, sure, but for heaven's sakes be civil.
but that sentence. "why should I respect ____ if it teaches/ implies/ supports/ etc. THAT?"
with "that" being something you personally view as totally unacceptable.
and those religions, that's why I wonder, and it hurts my head to do so,
when they talk about "well it's god's will, not mine,"
sometimes it's about things that are really intolerant in a disrespectful way,
but they are so convinced that those things do not DESERVE respect,
being convinced those things are utterly morally wrong,
how do you know?
how do you know
this keeps me up at night

it's kept us up at night since we were kids really


ugh
bottom line is
where does it turn from saying
"what you're doing is morally detrimental and I am speaking out against it"
into being told
"you are violating my rights of free speech and autonomy"
basically,
when does it turn from speaking up for morality, into being obtrusive and intolerant?

that's the problem with being a double libra I guess
I see EVERY freaking side of EVERY ISSUE
and it gets really bloody confusing because I can empathize with EVERYONE
sometimes directly, thanks d.i.d.
(no, literally, thanks)
but then I'm not sure what's… the OPTIMAL thing to do?
I don't know
I want to say "the RIGHT thing" because of this religious bit but, who am I to act like I have all the answers?
it's just
trusting my heart
and not feeling my heart knows best
because I'm afraid of what I've allowed to infect it
like eightfold said,
"I gotta be careful trusting my gut, 'cause my gut is a vast phantasmal library full of dark tomes!… The heart's the same way. It gets dirty. Things you pick up, things you're taught… they stick to it. An' there's no flutter or feelin' that isn't filtered through all that stuff."
that is one of the most important things we have ever, ever read
and it is so true
and it is our biggest fear.


that whole thing
with not knowing when to stand up for what we feel is right or not,
getting confused because our beliefs aren't always "politically correct,"
getting scared because people say our beliefs are "delusional" or "totally detached from reality,"
you know,
"grow up, and get used to the REAL world,"
when the "real world" they say is mean and cruel and bitter and stuff,
that's not the real world.
but
geez I shouldn't be looking at political sjw stuff on tumblr anymore
it hurts and it makes me so so so confused
and then of course you come across the people who are like
"kill all men," "down with cis," "truscum," "if you are ____ you don't deserve to live,"
and then the other side, online and offline,
spitting racism and homophobia and religious mockery and all that,
the exact things that cause the hateful speech of the victimized side.

I fcking HATE the whole victim/oppressor bullshit already. I hate it.
but that's ironic too
hatred and rage will only turn me into an attacker. and I don't want that.
gotta reroute that frustration. realize WHY I'm feeling it.
and that is:
I don't want to see anyone being victimized, or doing any oppression.
I love you people and damn it you've gotta stop treating each other like shit already.

at this point I don't care what justification you're giving
disrespect is disrespect
hatred is hatred
violence is violence, no matter how "passive-aggressive" or "harmlessly" you may act upon it
and those things only breed more of the same.


I have no idea what in the world this entry is about already

there have been like… three different authors in here. and of course the paragraph switching. people starting writing one thing then stopping and then I go back and see all these unfinished sentences and I'm like "dude I have no idea what you were talking about, I can't finish that for you"

this started because… today we're cripplingly depressed
and not sure where to go in life
and scared about this moral doubt
and the floating voices
and feeling forced to do things we don't want to do
and not knowing if our heart is wise or just delusional and foolish

I want to help people.
I want to heal myself
I don't want to be a bad influence on anybody
but I don't want to hurt anyone through my inaction either
am I trying too hard?

it's such a frustrating dilemma
"act or don't act"
when acting is viewed as intrusive and pushy and proud and rude and oppressive
and not acting is viewed as wishy-washy and apathetic and morally weak and lazy.
damned if you do, damned if you don't.


I don't want to think about this anymore. focusing on this is just making life REALLY tough
you get what you give, and we're radiating too much anxiety, it's not cool

I think I'm just going to let jewel or spinzor out and let them type

we have to go to philadelphia on friday and we don't know how we're going to get there and our stomach is just bottoming out with anxiety over it, the quiet kind that only registers in creeping sickness and nausea and sleep disturbances and a rough temper. it's not cool
I'm just going to take a deep breath,
we'll do what we can,
if the father can't drive us down, we'll try to go by ourself,
we're a little scared of asking the grandparents because what if they find out we're transgender,
we'll be out on the street,
they almost found out once and that was scary,
geez no actually cannon remembers that it was MORE than once and it's why we're afraid now,
STOP FOCUSING ON THE NEGATIVE
be smart, but be safe, okay?
do what you can.

that's all we can do for now I guess.

good night everyone.
I hope this entry didn't upset you, or hurt you, or make you sad or anything
geez that is a big fear too we're afraid of posting stuff like this
but honesty is key. that's just it, it happened, up it goes
and you never know. maybe that woman really was right. "the message in the mess." maybe this stuff helps other people somehow, I hope so.
I mean we write it all with the intention to "solve" something, or better-- to heal something. "solving" is too analytical and that's dangerous. healing. we know there are problems and we are trying to untangle them and we are sharing the process, because maybe it'll give someone else insight they didn’t have, on how to untangle their own things.


I hope so.
for now I need to rest, today was rough, we have color stuff to do on the computer, if done right that should calm us down. just nice cataloguing work.


closing up this entry as-is things are too fuzzy good night

 

 

So. We might have a "job" within the next week or two.
Don't celebrate, this is yanking up a LOT of trouble and it's distressing really.

Things I've realized over the past few days.

1. Money doesn't buy happiness.
2. I don't want to spend the last years of my grandparent's lives away from them.
3. I want to create more than anything in the world and I want to be PAID for it.
4. I hate fluorescent lights and muzak.
5. I really, really don't feel cut out for this.

I'm going to try. God knows I'm going to try.
But I have been so anxious for the past week over this it's not funny. Sleep is a mess, I'm throwing up from nerves, I have no appetite, I'm jittery and restless, I keep losing my temper far too easily and the minute I'm alone I find myself whimpering like a frightened child.
This job doesn't feel right, AT ALL. I keep questioning that, "it can't be that bad," etc., but every time I think of the place and think of working there, it just… it feels wrong.
I hope, I HOPE we aren't meant to stay here. Maybe just orientation, and a month or so of the actual job. Just enough to pay off our debts, and get a grip on just where we stand in terms of psychological fitness concerning employment.

I'm so nervous. I'm not used to this. I never would have thought I was this capable of near-panic worry. I'm trying not to but I feel so trapped it's scary. That's where the worry is coming from.

The mother said again today, I should not be staying in this house, I should be out on the street, etc. Basically "stop being a bum, get a job and an apartment right now." Then she told me how much of a burden I am on her life, especially with medical bills.
I told her I'd quit therapy, she said no. I told her we didn't need surgery, she said no. She insists we get all this care. Then she swears at us up and down that she has to pay the bills.
I suppose we should be paying for them. That's where this fucking job comes in. I'm working to pay everyone else, and wasting away even more years when I should be doing my holy mission.

Part of me hopes that one day, in her anger, the mother says "you know what, go ahead and kill yourself, I don't care!" because it will take a lot of anxiety off our back if we have permission.

The damn floating voices keep attacking me. They're hellbent on stopping me now that I am realizing just how hellbent I am on doing what I'm meant to do.
They're making the E.D. problems worse. It's hard to fight when I'm in a trance state, and that keeps happening when I'm in the kitchen. It's scary, because it's total detachment from the senses and from the environment, so I don't really perceive what's going on. I need one of the good voices, or (ideally) someone in headspace to forcefully interrupt in order for me to become conscious again. It's a pain in the butt and it's scary too, but I'm getting smarter every day, and I won't give up. I won't ever give up, so there.

Headspace has been dead quiet for about… three weeks? I don't know. I don't normally deal with it anyway so I can't tell you.
But it's worrisome. Some other people inside have observed that without headspace, we fall apart. We get very self-destructive, we stop making spiritual progress, we basically become an empty husk. I'm literally the only person keeping us "alive," because I want to do League work all the time and ONLY that, and that's why I'm PISSED OFF at these floating voices because they are SPECIFICALLY trying to stop me from doing that. I am EXTREMELY ANGRY about that to say the least.
That's why I'm pissed about this job too. I don't know who fronted for the last one, but something tells me that even if I try to front (in order to do League work during breaks at registers or whatever), it won't work, because it didn't work last time, not with the environment.

I'm so mad. I'm so so so mad.
I WANT TO BE PAID FOR CREATING THINGS, NOT WORKING IN THIS STUPID CORPORATE HAMSTER WHEEL OF NOISE AND IGNORANCE.
I WANT TO BE PAID FOR ART AND MUSIC AND WRITING AND EVERYTHING.
I WANT TO BE PAID FOR DOING WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO!!

I don't CARE about money though!! I DON'T CARE!!! I DON'T CARE ABOUT MONEY.
Yes, we need it, to pay the bills. I keep forgetting it's 2015 and we're an "adult" now so we have financial responsibilities like that, we can't just live like a video game character forever, surviving well on what's left around (although that would be cool enough).
But damn it, I'm sorry for swearing (it's unlike me but I'm mad) but I DON'T WANT TO LIVE FOR MONEY. THAT'S STUPID!!

I really do need to start commissions. Those STUPID VOICES keep stopping me though. I hate that.
Admittedly I'm scared too. It's a lot of work, getting examples together, determining prices, writing up sales posts. It's overwhelming. That's why I'm scared, there's so much of it all at once. But I have to do it. I HAVE to.
Once the post is up I will be PSYCHED because I LOVE ART and really I have been drawing SO MUCH lately, anyone who says I "can't draw" is BLIND and IGNORANT. Because I CAN and I AM. And I WANT TO. So I will, I must, I have to, and GET PAID FOR IT.
I will stand up for us though. Whoever did commissions in the past, they didn't stand up for themselves, they were so desperate for the money that they gave up on their morals and ended up drawing smut. I think that's what it's called. But it was NOT GOOD and it made them VERY SICK and they got horribly depressed for WEEKS after that. I know, that data's all here whenever I try to start commissions. "We can't, because of that!" No, I'm NOT GOING TO DO THAT. And if anyone asks me, I will ignore them.
Geez I'm not sure how to interact with people though. It's not my job. Our interactors are not good people though. They're all simpering people-pleasers and they're pure programming. It sucks. THAT'S ANOTHER REASON WHY THE JOB IS AWFUL for the record. People like THAT front all the time because they require MASSIVE DISSOCIATION and when we're not dissociated we can't handle the sensory environment. Stuuuupiiiiiid. But true. It's not a "lame excuse," it's TRUE. If you knew how loud the lights were, and the friggin MUSIC, and having to say a script every time a person walks up, ugh it is exhausting and I want to shake and vomit just thinking about it. Ugh. I don't like it, but we have to try, just to say we tried. We won't chicken out. We'll give it a shot and see.
Honestly I just want cash to pay back our stupid debts, we owe at least $500 from borrowing money for food and bills over the past two years. Which is dumb. But there we are. We pay back our debts but we haven't had income in a while. So this is an opportunity for that, end of story.

What was I talking about. Art.
I want to do it, by golly I miss drawing and I've been remembering what it feels like to draw serious pictures and I am SO EXCITED.
Like I have no memory of high school, or college, let me say that. BUT there's "art memory" for me, in a passive sense. I can look at a picture we drew, and though I don't remember drawing it at all, I DO have an awareness of the feeling of drawing… of what it's like to sketch, to color, to shade, to ink. And it's SO EXCITING.
I can't wait. I don't know HOW someone in our System or whatever thought art was scary, geez it is the BEST THING.
At least for me it is. Maybe that's the problem. I'm a kid, I draw because I LOVE drawing and I love being able to express imagination and life through it. But the college people, I don't know who they are or what they did, but somehow for them, art had no joy? It had to be "perfect," ALL the time, it was a performance or a show. Everything was graded, it had to be just so, or else. I guess? I don't know what they did! But there's such a feeling of tiredness and frustration and exhaustion and panic tied to the college art time, geez what did they have to do? I feel sorry for them, really I feel really bad that they had to go through that. I want to give them a hug even if they're older than me, I hope they don't mind. Art isn't supposed to be sad and draining! Here, you can come draw with me if you like.
I guess it's just hard to stop freaking out over it, about being judged, when you're so used to it. They probably had it burned into their heads. That makes me real sad, it hurts actually.

Ugh this FREAKING JOB I am so mad I just want to quit already and start a freaking self-employed art business on the spot. That would be so cool.
We do inkblots, one of us does, I don't know who. I do all the League art. Someone is trying to learn to paint, on canvases again. I paint shirts too, and toys/keychains/whatever. We're learning to sew. I'm also dabbling with jewelry stuff but that takes money to experiment with, so can't do much with that now.
Point is I am EXPLODING with creativity and I want to GET INCOME FROM IT DARN IT.
Other people can, why can't I???
Agh I don't want to rant about this anymore right now. I want to work more. I'm not sure what the job is tonight but… oh there's a topic.

Writing. For whatever reason, writing has the anxiety tied to it now.
It's the perfectionism thing. I know it. I can feel it now. It's this feeling of, "if I don't get it right the first time, everyone will hold me accountable for it, and it'll ruin the final story!!" It's this paranoia that we've gotta get the whole thing out NOW, and it has to be TOTALLY FLAWLESS, and that's overwhelming as heck!!



I want a Diancie plushie. A Mega one. SO PRETTY.
I'm starting to wonder, I mean I'm not a Pokémon (I'm a Phantomilian, ha haa!) but Diancie is like my BFF because she is, to quote Jay, "Nintendo's love letter to us."
Diancie is literally EVERYTHING we wanted in a Pokémon when we started working on Dream World back in 2000 or so. Literally. I wonder if Nintendo was watching us or got our notes or something. It's too perfect.
Anyway since they probably will find out anyway THANK YOU NINTENDO, I know we're not big-time gamers anymore but THANK YOU LOTS, we appreciate it from the bottom of our hearts. She's perfect perfect cute and I love her~~ Also she basically has my hair. As gems. It's great.

We're tied to a lot of the Legendaries, really?
One of our OLDEST people is a Mewtwo; we were one back in 4th grade or so, there was old proof of self-referral back when we had all the old art. We were sorta a Mew before that, but mostly thanks to AAA, who insisted we be one so she could be Mewtwo. Which was cool, but it never really resonated? So that's that.
Then of course we have a Celebi person in the System, she's ancient too, and unmistakable. But SINCE she's so old I think she splintered a little, and there are like… three different "Celebis" at least? Who knows. The "Cel" in the Spectrum right now has her roots that far back, and is untouched by the stuff that happened with the "canon Celebi" vibes back in the past, whatever that was. Our Celebis were never "canon" in appearance or behavior, so. That's that, too!
Victini has some little roots but they're legit. Jayce or someone was really fond of them back in 2010 or so, and there was legit resonance too. Close to me though, because FIRE/PSYCHIC TYPE, COME ON. But I don't feel like one? Which is weird. Anyway yeah definitely some Victini ties in here, although there aren't any individuals around.
Jirachi I dunno. That was during the lost years so… no clue.
Darkrai, they've got a weird vibe to them because we HAD one in the System, and "jx7" felt REALLY drawn to them in 2009 or whenever, but… I guess there was some very very bad energy or experiences around them, before our member Darkrai died. So I'm sorry to hear that. I guess we'll have to fix it? Somehow? I'll make a memo.
Manaphy and Shaymin never got resonance with any of us! Those were lost years though, weirdly, that's what the data says. Those generations are -bloop- missing from memory. No clue.
Someone did like Mesprit, there's a very very vague feeling of that. Again, lost years, but there was some fondness there that ultimately never took hold anywhere.
I don't know what other Legendaries there are in the older generations… uh… see the problem is that lots of 'em have ties to Dream World, due to the joys of Silver version in the past, and maybe Ruby too, I don't know if that Jewel had Leaguelinks to that extent or if she was already mostly headspace. I DUNNO! Which is weird because you'd think I'd have personal memory of Silver but nope. Not me. The whole consciousness vibe was different then, I just get the diffusion now. Anyway yeah, Legendaries.
Oh I forgot about Reshiram. The fluff dragon. SOMEONE liked him a lot too, back in 2010, probably Jayce too (that was the Victini time). But no anchors. Just fondness.
Hoopa has got some major resonance with Jay, at least one of the Jays, however those guys work. But I joke about that a lot, with Hoopa=Hope in that respect, heheh. Problem is our fronters need to STAY OFF THE INTERNET because the minute we see fandom our programming freaks out, "we need to think that way too now," NO YOU DON'T, their perspectives don't invalidate yours! You CAN and ARE ALLOWED to have different experiences and opinions from other people. And guess what? NOT ALL HOOPAS ACT THE SAME, SO CHILL OUT.
Diancie is meeee, heheh. Somehow. SOMEHOW! I'm not used to being all pink and sparkly! But she's got a resonance with me I can't ignore. So I'm gonna try being a Diancie sometimes, when I need to be/ can be a Pokémon. It'll be cool.
Anyway yeah that's what I was getting at. If I get the cash soon enough, (extra cash), I'm going to buy myself a Mega Diancie plush. Jay I'm sorry I know you despise physical possessions but consider her MY anchor plush buddy, or something. I'll chill out with Chaos Zero and Silverheart on the nightstand. We'll be the cool kids club.

So that's… that's your Pokémon stuff for the night. Enjoy because I'm gonna work on other stuff now.

Jay is majorly obsessed with Steven Universe lately and his brain got mondo fiction lag from it last week. It was hilarious. But it's weird! The lag now isn't making my work difficult?? I think he knows how to manage it better. Or it sticks now, to people. That works!

So many Leagueworlds have old vibes I need to weed out… hehe, the computer just beeped in the same key as this song. That was cute. But yeah, especially Parnassus, that has BAD vibe-lag from 2007 or whenever our previous core-people started working on it big time? BAD lag. Lots of interference and kissing-up stuff. Now I've gotta weed it out, happy spring, hehe. But it's FUN. And it's INTERESTING!! I've realized… my main thing is that I need to get Links working again, MY Links, I have to get close to these people WITHOUT stepping in. I need to see/feel people's lives objectively to write this stuff. How do I put it… Parnassus, I'm learning about the society, about bits of how their world works, little things… interesting things. But I have to WATCH IT. Like we used to watch Hokthai and Oneircia, while walking around the living room with our CD player (Miriel!) for hours. Just watching. And that made MASSIVE PROGRESS HAPPEN.
Problem is lately the stupid "daily grind" has sapped our imaginative progress. For some dumb reason we keep thinking we "HAVE TO" act like "normal people" and it's making us dull and miserable and depressed and antsy. I think it's because we're "grown up" on the outside… people treat us like we're not ALLOWED to be creative and childlike anymore. Pff. Heck with that. I'm gonna do it. I'M alive too, y'know!
It's kinda sad. We lost a lot of time, and we're kinda confused a lot… people outside don't really give us wiggle room. And it would be nice to have, to have the "permission" or at least the allowance to be different a little, to have different needs, and tolerances… I mean geez, we ARE good people, we ARE allowed to exist, we have a REASON to be here… just because we might need some accommodations here and there, is that okay? I hate this feeling of "you're not allowed to be weak" and "you're a freak for not being normal" but really? Really? I don't like a lot of what's out there, and how it works. It feels wrong. I don't WANT to be "well-adjusted" to being sick, there I said it, how about that?? Our mother keeps making fun of us for our sensitivity, well maybe not making fun, but belittling very much… how she's already "used to" pain, and being angry, and "not getting her dreams fulfilled," etc… that's so sad. It's so sad. We don't WANT that to be our reality, do we… have the right to say that?
Life can be so bright, so much nicer than people are telling me it "has" to be. Can't it be nicer? Aren't people allowed to be healthy and happy and helping each other? Can't we build a world where that's the norm, instead of lies and fear and exhaustion?
I guess part of me's just tired. But it's not a depressed tired, it's more of a "geez, this is depressing!" tired. There's a difference, haha! But yeah… I'm too fiery. I want to CHANGE things, moreso I want to DO things and let change happen. I don't like controlling and manipulating stuff, I just want to do better, and be better, and be a force of change and a good example. Stuff will follow.

I'm typing too much on this and I don't really have anything more to say tonight. I really should get to Leaguework, writing maybe, or reviewing. I dunno, my head feels weird. It's in an art mood and that writing perfectionism is buggy… that and it's overwhelming. Dude you do realize we have HUNDREDS of pages of notes, right?? That's why there's no "written books" yet. There are too many PAPERS just lying about. Where do we start!!
So… I dunno, maybe that's a project for tonight. Just in little ways, I can start organizing that, make the crushing stress a bit less. Really, some parts of us are scared of all that towering data. That and the "business responsibility" looming… that stupid fact that we've gotta "navigate the system" before we can get published, or produced in some way. THAT'S what's truly overwhelming, and we should sit down and calmly look at that sometime too because really we CAN do it, we're perfectly capable of handling that… it's just a feeling of "responsibility?" Like there's a hugeness to it, a vastness, a fear that we won't be able to shoulder the sheer amount of work we have if a DEADLINE is stuck to it. That's the base fear, is performance. Perfectionism and performance. PFF.
Guess what I DON'T HAVE TO DO EITHER RIGHT NOW so chill out bro.

It's midnight and I feel like I just woke up, probably because I essentially just did, hehe. This is why our sleep schedule is a mess. Switchiness!

Good night all, I'm working the graveyard shift tonight so I'll see you whenever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

God help me I DON'T WANT TO BE SICK ANYMORE.

The mother keeps saying "I'm sick of all these medical bills" but when I tell her I'll just stop therapy she says "no, you need to go, I'm not going to put up with this." She's tired and angry. I remember her telling old therapists, "do you see what I have to deal with? I can't handle this!" The guilt and shame and self-loathing are extreme. I don't want to be sick.
The grandfather is saying, "is therapy even going to help you?" I said I don't know, I hope so, but I was determined NOT to need it, to be strong enough not to care. But I was still struggling with dissociation, and things like that. Said it was making me scared to drive lately, not knowing what year it was, let alone where I was. He replies, "You're going to need a nurse 24/7 for the rest of your life, if you're going to be like this." And I know he cares, they all care. But it hurts, I hate myself, for being "ill." I don't WANT to be a burden on the world anymore, or on myself.

I DON'T WANT TO BE SICK ANYMORE!!!!!!


Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can.


Am I "sick?" Is this all "fake?"
The therapist gave us a xanga session for homework. She did. She specifically wanted us to talk to each other before today. Laurie was ecstatic, people were planning topics, but I secretly stood off to the side, and I said no. I said no. NO.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THIS TO BE REAL OKAY????


God what do I do. What do I even do.
We keep reading books, spiritual books, research books. Jewel's doing a lot of Dream World work lately so she can draw things, which is amazing, the instant she starts to work progress just happens, instantly. Every single day it grows more, which is good, because when this stupid trauma happened in 2003 or so the story got put on hold. Not so anymore.
But there's the thing, that stupid "trauma," in the "old days" with Julie and the first teenage Jewel, and guess what? WE CHOPPED OUT THAT TIMELINE. IT'S GONE. WHAT DO YOU THINK ALL THE RESETS WERE FOR.
Delete the trauma, delete it ALL, right?? Then you never have to worry about this STUPIDITY anymore!!

Except that's not what the book said. Except when we read that line in the book, we couldn't help it, our eyes watered up and we pointed to the page and we exclaimed "that's our mission!" and it felt true. terrible but true.
"When a soul chooses to participate consciously in more inclusive levels of interaction, it becomes capable of participating directly in the liberation of its family, or its group, or its community, or its nation from the negatives that are present and active at those levels. It also runs the risk of contamination by those negatives. In other words, a soul that seeks to bring a higher quality of consciousness to a more inclusive level of human interaction runs the risk of being contaminated by the fear, or the anger, or the selfishness of that level. Great souls... run the risk of great contamination. At the level of soul contact, a great soul deals not only with its own fear, its personal fear, but it also takes on the evolution of the collective fear of the species. The weight of that is where a great soul risks contamination on a great level, but its possibility of releasing the fear from the collective consciousness of the species becomes also possible."
I don't consider us a "great soul" like the great Teachers, heavens no, we're too banged-up for that, we're too troubled. Maybe in time we can heal ourselves to such a point, but who knows. All I know is that in reading that paragraph, I felt a direct reflection of whatever it is we are going through. "Yes, that is exactly what we're doing and experiencing!" It was a recognition.

But God if that's what we're doing, If THAT'S why I'm/we're SICK-- if that's why I have the guts to even admit there's a "we"-- if we took on this trauma to heal the collective fear and pain tied to this sort of experience, on however small a level... then please, GUIDE US.
You're already helping us, we know. But damn it it's scary. And... I keep rejecting help. I keep getting... contaminated.
It's an ugly word. But it's true.
Help us with that. Please. Help us with that. Help us get rid of the contamination. If I have any prayer at all, that is it. That is it.

The daemons help in their own way. So do the floating voices, weird as that is. So do the darker Jewel Monsters that tag along. Problem is, a lot of them-- most of them-- work through the old childhood thing of "learn through fear and doubt and pain."
Isn't there another way? Please, help us open our mind(s) enough to see another way. Please.
We must hold to light. We must hold to light.
And there's so much of it in here, that's why I'm frustrated and heartbroken, because there's SO much LIGHT in here, but that damn contamination, that damn Tar, that damn Plague...
Damning anything won't help anyone though.


god I don't know. I'm sorry. I need to get ready for therapy, I have to leave early, I can't type anymore here now.
Sorry everyone for being a mess. Maybe I'm a contaminant.
But I want to help. I sincerely want to help. I'm scared but I don't want to sabotage this anymore and I DON'T WANT US TO BE SICK ANYMORE.
If there's a way for US to be healthy... if there's...
...

If there's a way for me to be a part of us,
if there's a way for us to exist without trauma, at all,
let it be.


Jewel sees us in third-person. She sees us bright and colorful and destined for liberation, already redeemed in her timeless sight, never lost or broken at all, just on the road forwards...
She sees us as something complete and good, somehow.

...Other people do too. Somehow. Somehow. They've made me aware of that.
There are people who know our System and I know they're reading this and... thank you?
It sounds ridiculous and whiny but it's all I can say. It's the only thing that crackles out in words.
I can't really see that. I'm stuck in this bad state, currently. I want a different "anchor." But seeing there's still something good in here helps.


I need to stop typing. I'm making myself sick. No wonder the other people in here are suffering. I feel sick, to be around. My vibration is pretty low with all this depression and rage. No wonder people don't like me being out. Problem is I'm stubborn, I don't let other people be around, because I don't want there to be "other people," because I'm scared of not existing.... even though I don't want to exist anyway... it's stupid.
Maybe I'll talk about this with the therapist today.

Goodbye, that's it for me typing right now.

 

 

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@ 01:21 am

 

 

So, LYNNE FRONTED IN THERAPY TODAY and it was VERY SIGNIFICANT ACTUALLY.

She stuck around for a while, at least five solid minutes. Centralites don't typically front at ALL, let alone for that long without a Social pushing them out, or them being called back Upstairs.
In the process, she realized something that I was reflecting on the whole drive home.

The people inside, those whose roles are almost exclusively for our inner world... are somewhat detached from the physical body as a whole, to the point where they might not understand exactly what's happening with it.
The therapist was asking us if we felt anything while reading this entry, as she knows many of us struggle with understanding/feeling emotions. And there was emotion welling up, at that last paragraph... there was a tangible heartache in the chest, something real and strong and sad. But there was a glass wall between it and the body.
We realized that the "AP" is still a thing, albeit a thing that is somewhat different than we previously thought. It operates almost like a "conglomerate;" it is not a bundle of programming, but it is not a person either. Instead it works like an "empty entity" that takes simultaneous influence from all of us inside, all at once. It's tricky to put into words. But, when faced with that question, it said no-- no, it did not personally feel any emotions, BUT "there were still emotions being felt." It explained that it itself neither felt nor understood emotion. HOWEVER it was clearly aware that inside, other alters were feeling emotion, and there was also that original author's emotional residue. So that emotional feeling existed within, and the AP was aware of it... but it was like it was behind a pane of glass. Recognition, observance, knowledge was there... but no understanding, not personally so. No empathy, not personally so. No feeling. Does that make sense?
Laurie must have tried to front for a minute. There's vague data of her shifting in the chair and thinking, somewhat boggled, "the body is too small for me." But then she was gone, leaving an oddly shaken aura in her wake.
And then... Lynne came out. She said she had come out to spare Laurie the trouble-- "she's secretly the most emotional of all of us, I think." She explained that Laurie had seen more of the downstairs troubles firsthand than anyone else in Central, had worked with the Cores closely enough to understand their pain, to really be able to empathize with that entry's author, to the point of pained tears and anger.
And then Lynne paused, saying... "I can sympathize, but I can't empathize. And that makes me really uncomfortable."
She sat there for a minute, feeling her overlay-- the long curly hair, the difference in her eyes, the difference in her form-- to keep any Socials from pushing her out. I don't recall exactly what she said next, but the sentiment is clear. She wasn't used to this.
It's so important. It's so important, and I cannot BELIEVE we didn't quite grasp this before.
Inside, we've been "slacking off" because most of us DON'T GET IT. We DON'T understand what the Socials and other Downstairs voices are going through. Most Centralites have NEVER eaten, or spoken to the family, or been sick, or felt retribution, or been in the presence of a hacking influence. Most people inside don't even know what it's like to be IN a physical body, let alone a physical life.
Here we are wondering why we haven't been able to help, why the lower-level alters are rejecting us, why we're so confused and at a loss as to how to progress... and that is why.
We always used to wonder at how other Systems functioned, when they were "out" all the time. That was alien to us. Our life... our situation didn't allow it.
But that's new, too. Our life. Our past. Our body. Lynne noticed it too. Those of us inside... we didn't think like that. We called it the body, or the physical family... we always held it at arm's length, always at a distance, like we were watching a film. Always too detached from it.
We forgot, or maybe we never quite learned in the first place, that we are ALL SHARING THIS LIFE. We might pay that fact lip service, but that's about it. Most of us have never FELT that truth before, like Lynne chose to today, and rather courageously held on to.

It's huge. I'm having trouble putting it into words.
But again, it feels deep, like it's an ancient obstacle to our growth and healing that only now has been realized. And that makes a lot of sense, because as they say, a house divided against itself cannot stand. That still counts, if you don't realize you're even sharing a house with someone. We're on the second floor and we've somehow been virtually ignorant of the fact that there's a whole damn other world DOWNSTAIRS, too.

It's going to be interesting. I remember reading First Person Plural, how much of an impact that book had on us... how one of the biggest pieces of advice the author got was that he had to learn to trust his alters, to let them out too, to let them be a part of their shared life. The more he ignored them, the more he kept them inside and forbade them from LIVING in the "outside world" as well as the inside... all of them would suffer.
A System is a System. Ours works differently than his, in the book, but at heart it's always close enough. We need to unite our levels better. We need to start using the stairs again, so to speak. We need to bridge yet another gap, haha.



In other news.
Jewel has spent the past two nights solid researching Egyptian myths, religious virtues/vices, and Biblical prophets for the sake of Dream World. Kid goes hardcore, what can I say. But we're making lots of progress there. We're proud of her, for never giving up.
There's SO MUCH to read though, geez. It's exhausting. If there's one thing Jewel needs to learn how to do, it's take a break. The word "moderation" doesn't seem to apply to her creative ethic, and that's a problem, because then she gets burned out and projects collapse halfway through the research phase. Seriously you can't expect to understand everything in one sitting, you can't read five books in one day. It takes time. You're tied to Cel; go talk to her about that maybe. Patience, and prudence. Focus on one bit at once maybe.
There's another bit of bleedover. She's blind to us mostly. She doesn't realize, either, that her overworking the mind is affecting us, too. She reads for hours, and then leaves, and our internal environment gets so wound up from the sheer amount of input that it takes nothing short of immediate meditation to heal. Just "unplug" for a bit and let the head decompress. Problem is we haven't been giving ourselves time for that. We keep getting more and more work piled on us. The desk's a mess right now, it's not helping.
Bottom line here: slow down, Jewel! We know you want to get work done, but it's impossible to get it ALL done AT ONCE. You're in this body with us, and it needs to be taken care of. Let it sleep and rest.

...We're also thinking about the thing that our still-unnamed alter wrote, earlier-- the bit about social contamination.
It's scary, actually, to realize how accurate that is. We spent way too much time "socializing" since college, even if it was just burying ourself online in the misplaced desperate obligation to be "normal," or "good" according to God-knows-what code or creed. We got lost. Very lost.
We need to crack down and re-evaluate our ENTIRE moral code right now. We need to sit down and discuss what we value, what we protect, what we strive for, what we stand against, et cetera. And then we need to focus on that, we need to re-affirm that daily, we need to practice that truth. We need to live our Virtues, so to speak. We need to go back to being US, to being the rainbow-true System we are at heart, and have lost sight of lately. We've lost coherence, but we can heal that. So that's our job. Easter is fast approaching, but we're going to push our personal "Lent" until the body's birthday (a month later), as things have been very rocky since Ash Wednesday and we want to do better.


There's still a lot of psychological resistance in this head that is tied to the Downstairs. It's all fog, it's all steel wool.
There's so much old, internalized shame and pain, it's sabotaging a great many efforts. "We want to be good," one says. "No, we ARE good," Jay steps in. And then the damaged lower ones shout, "no we're not, we're EVIL!"
Why don't they allow healing to happen? Why can't they accept that healing, that they CAN be good, not "evil?" Why do they cling to that self-hatred, to the bitter resignation to the lie that they "can't improve?" Who told them they were irredeemable? Who crushed them under that falsehood?
We have so much virtue in here, so much light, but we also have so much vice and shadow. How much of it is "ours" and how much of it is introjected, taken on out of force, out of shame, out of fear?
Contamination. Spend too much time in the abyss and it begins to leak into your bones. Our socials, the damaged ones, spent too much time mired in what "other people" said and felt, all that bitter blood and hate... they began to forget who THEY were, outside of that, before that, after that.
Solitude is a virtue. It really is. There's nothing wrong with it. We really need to allow ourself(ves) to have it again, paradoxically.

Sorry this is mostly repetition. It just gains extra layers of meaning every time it is re-discussed, I've noticed.

It's late and we're tired and I'm tired of ignoring the sadness that comes up at this hour, the sad soft things in the shadows that want us to pay attention to them. Laurie still wants a Xanga session, and that may be the best thing for us right now. There are too many loose ends around us, too much unfinished business and ignored troubles. We really have been slacking off. That changes now, if I have anything solid to say about it.

It might snow tomorrow. Last snow of winter, maybe. You can bet I'll be outside to enjoy it, no matter what I have to fight to get there.

Good night to all of you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am so, so, so ashamed of the updates that have been here recently.

Jay is an absolute idiot. I don't know when he'll ever learn. Self-abuse to the point of his personal masochistic euphoria is GOING to lead to a hack, you moron, because hackers USE pain and trauma!! I don't care how much YOU enjoy blood and pain. The fact is, there are hackers who are going to use your state of mind to USE EVERYONE ELSE.

Here's something you may have forgotten. ANYTHING you "enjoy" = MASSIVE DISSOCIATION.
The instant you find yourself "interested" in something, you CHECK OUT. That is a CONSTANT and it has been for YEARS and I don't know WHY the heck you keep getting surprised when your "suffering" kicks our brain into blank-out mode and then some demonic hacker sneaks in and DOES JUST THAT.


The eating disorder people are fragmenting badly and that whole situation is falling to very dangerous pieces.
All the previous "trigger foods" are now identified as "obligatory" and so suddenly, now we aren't eating anything, and the few things we have left over that we thought we "liked"-- because we were told to, or because someone thought it was interesting when we first tried it AND since DATA TYPICALLY DOESN'T "STORE" when the body eats they DON'T REALIZE if, five minutes after that initial "interest," we're in crippling pain or vomiting. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

So now that one horrifically stupid "broken coping method" (basically, "destroy things" in a "non-violent way") no longer works. We can't annihilate edible things anymore, we can't even use them as sensory reminders because it no longer registers. No matter how hot or spicy or cold or bitter or salty we make something, we don't sense it, even if the BODY does, and it does not take those experiences well. Our senses are so detached that we can honestly burn our hands and not feel it, although we are aware that we were burned, and the body is in pain. It's just too far away. The pain is too far away to feel anymore.

What do we do now.
Jewel can go back to typing, of course. There's enough work to do. Except we're no longer in 2004, or 2002, or whenever, regardless of how hard to believe that is. It's 2015. It's incomprehensible.






Last thing. I wrote a letter earlier today but it was so asinine, so attention-grabby and childish, I gave up.

Consider this a "suicide note."

I've been killing this body, slowly, for a while now. The effects are piling up. The damage is irreversible now.
In some confusing way that's "existentially terrifying," the thought that death is closer than ever now, but I'm learning to not take that personally anymore. I need to make my peace with death, in its totality.
Part of this psyche wants to live, I guess, or at least it's afraid of dying a heathen-whore death like this. It's afraid of such a humiliating, painful, slow, frightening death. It wants a "holy death," something clean and fast and bloody and fiery. Like the original child, it wants to be a martyr. It wants its death to somehow absolve the sinful disgust of its life, its wasted ugly life, a fat embarrassing waste of skin and space.

We don't want the family to be ashamed of us. We don't want the family to be disgusted by us, and embarrassed by our existence.
But day by day, it is difficult now, those two consecutive surgeries made it tough to recover and now we've temporarily forgotten how to live well. Part of us doesn't care. It's too tired, it feels too hideous.

I can't cry. We can't cry. It's not allowed. We have to be strong, we have to man up, we have to stop acting like a baby. We can't cry. There's no reason to get upset over these things. Just deal.
It's just… is that numbness "holy?" Is there another option?
It frightens me when I see people proclaiming "non-attachment" and when I try to do so, I end up not caring about anything anymore. Which can be fine, I suppose, but then it turns into apathy, and that means I'm doing something wrong. I'm just unsure what else would happen, being so utterly cut off from everything, not caring anymore.

I don't know. I miss caring, in a way. I despise attachment, but I miss caring. I miss when it mattered if we felt healthy or sick. I miss when we had things we wanted to do, because we enjoyed them. What is enjoyment even like? If it's like Jay does, then that's the problem-- total dissociation from reality, caused by something unendurable. Detachment to the extreme. Is it possible to "enjoy" something in the physical realm? Or is that being ignorant and sinful?

Daily life. Can you imagine? What would it be like, to get up in the morning and not feel dirty? To not have to eat, to be able to run, to have something to do with your day that was… I don't know the word. I really don't. It's like, having 12 awake hours where you're not exhausted and anxious and feeling everyone else's stress. Having something to do as an individual that matters to other people, and enriches their lives. Something selfless, something worthwhile.
See, that's how awful we are. The word 'selfless' hurts a bit. How much more do we have to sacrifice? But that's the wrong idea. "Sacrifice" helps no one, not when we're bleeding out and hoping someone benefits. But what's the alternative? Is it possible for us to thrive, and still DO GOOD for others?? I hope so. Somehow, there has to be a way for that to be true. I don't know how yet though.

But this is effectively a suicide letter. There's been one too many days of this.
Blood, too much blood.
Pain. Headaches, stomach pain, old injuries acting up. Flashbacks.

It's all caused by depression, I know. And we're only depressed because we're weak. That's our personal case, and it's true. We're weak. We wouldn't be depressed "if we didn't exist," that's the sad truth, the truth, "sadness" isn't real for us.
I don't know. I want to obey, to "be good," but those people who give us the RIGHT advice still feel WRONG. The things they say might be excellent information 85% of the time, but when we actually succeed in those things and go to them, all we get are paper smiles and ignorance. Like there's no actual caring. It's like the mother (God forgive us she's a great person when she's not forcing us to be like her, forgive me please). Do what she wants, what she likes, and she'll be nice as pie, genuinely so… because you're great! She's so proud of you! And I love seeing her happy, I do.
But the moment you slip, the moment you ask a question they don't personally like, they're uncomfortable. They don't like you anymore. Now you've disappointed them, you've shown that you're too selfish to know what's right, and you're not worth their time.
It's all so distant. That's why I stopped going to those spiritual websites, and that's why I'm so terrified now.
Is this "depression" my punishment?? Is this sudden massive decrease in personal health and environmental safety a direct and intended penalty, God telling me I messed up beyond forgiveness by "turning my back on Him?" God it terrifies me, what if I really DID commit some unforgivable sin, by daring to suggest that their website wasn't the panacea to every spiritual ill, wasn't the "one true path" to God?
I'm so so so scared. But they tell me, "walk your own path," before telling me how to walk it.

That's the problem. I am so so so sorry, I am painfully sorry, for ever judging those people. I really am.
I didn't realize I was condemning them until I had it pointed out to me. "Follow your own path," but I was yelling at them for theirs. Why? Because part of me, deep inside, STILL believed that there is only one path, EVER-- and if THEIRS worked perfectly for them well that meant it was THE path, and so it HAD to work for me, or I was FLAWED. A self-fulfilling nonsense prophecy (or so I hope, perhaps selfishly and stupidly).
If their path felt wrong for me to follow-- not simperingly 'uncomfortable;' I'd often jump into their paths with desperate enthusiasm-- I labeled that a mortal sin. How dare you object to what you are being told to do.
If it makes them happy, if they WANT YOU TO DO IT, then you MUST, because if it's right for them then it's ALWAYS right, if it makes them happy then you must ALWAYS share in that, and if you disagree then you're just not kind-hearted enough to sacrifice your own needs for the greater good yet.


This keeps repeating.
It all boils down to that one thing, over and over and over and over.
I'm sick of giving my power away to other people. I'm tired of feeling unable, unworthy, or too unintelligent to make my own decisions.

I'm scared because every time I've tried to "walk my own path," it's started out with joy and incredible insight, and then something horrible would happen that proved it was all false and sinful and secretly demonic. Just like when I was a kid. "The devil is tempting you!" no matter what. If it seemed too good to be true, it probably was.
I'm sick of that. God, I want to be happy, not just on the inside but on the outside. It's easy as pie to still be happy and smile when life looks like a fallout zone. But day after day, that keeps repeating, and my soul begins to feel cheated. "Why the heck do you keep forcing me to tune into happiness when THIS is our life situation???"
There's a fine line. Being "happy no matter what" is SUICIDE when it makes you stagnate, AND when it makes you not care about moral lapses. That's why I dislike the "non-attachment" message delivery I've read, because it always seems to preach an extreme.

Saying this feels wrong and horrible.
I want to be happy without stepping all over negative emotions to do so. I want to live in the moment without murdering the past to get there. I want to be non-attached without being apathetic. I want to be able to care about things, I want to be able to enjoy things, I want to be able to love things, without feeling like it's disgusting and shameful and plain old silly. "How foolish! You are still like a child," I would be told. Smiley face.
Why do I keep reading that I "must be like a child," then? That frightens me too, because what our family has recorded of "our" childhood is not a person we want to be. They were malevolent, and proud, and angry, and selfish. Sure they "lived in the moment." Sure they were "happy" almost always, and their negative emotions-- however horrific-- would blow over once they were expressed. But that child was not a nice person. They were an animal on their worst days. And yet they were STILL your ideal.
I am so confused. What is right? After 10 years I'm still asking that question. It's ridiculous.

I'm always, always going in circles here. I need to break that.
Problem is I can't tell what's "truth" and what's not. I'm fighting my own emotions, which I label as "stupid" and "uneducated," because sometimes when I'm told to do/ act/ say/ be something, I get a gut-deep "I don't know about this" feeling. So I push past it, hard. I question everything I think and feel until I don't know how to think or feel anymore. I push until I break and then it doesn't matter because by now, I'm just a program, just a nice little shell doing everything you tell it to… or at least until that "pesky depression" comes back and knocks it into a sobbing heap.
Then you show up and laugh in my ear, "how silly!" Crying is so alien to you. Sadness is so foreign to you. You scare me, and that scares me, because I never thought I'd want to be sad, or cry… until I felt it impossible not to, and you laughed and shook your head and said it was just an illusion, let it go.

I want to. But I'm terrified that if I do, I'll end up like you.

This is a mess. I want to talk about this to someone, anyone, but we're alone.
God help me I am so sick of being lonely. I am so SICK of people messaging me on social networks and making small talk and acting like they're the savior. "I'm talking to you!" I don't like talking. I need companionship, somehow, I want to experience what it's like to be in a community for once in my life, I want to be in a group and not just because the teachers felt bad for me and forced me in there. They didn't want me there. I want to be PART of something, I don't know. This is stupid.
"Everything you ever need, you can provide for yourself." Sure, maybe that's why I have D.I.D. or whatever the heck this allegedly "fake" thing is. Maybe little us was so freaking tired of being hurt and rejected that when they broke, they didn't mind as much as they should because oh wow, company! Isn't that horribly sad though. I know that's the truth. We've been ashamed of it for years. The first person to face Julie head-on didn't fight back as much as they should because it was the first time another "human being" had ever paid that much close attention to them. Sure we were a toy. Sure we were being used. But as horrible as it was, they couldn't hurt us without us so for those few excruciating minutes we were valid. And that made the pain and fear all the more horrible afterwards. We didn't want that… or did we? What did we want?
To this day we struggle with it. What do we want? Why do we throw ourselves into abuse, over and over and over? We know we don't want "attention"-- when we get it, it disgusts us, and we leave. We don't want people fawning over us. What do we want?
I don't know if there's a word for it. Coming home and knowing you're welcome there, even if no one talks to you. There's no ignorance in the air. Feeling at home somewhere. Not romantic trash, that was wrong, so wrong. It came close, we tried, but it was so wrong. We can't quite forgive ourselves for that either, for not realizing, for not being ABLE to realize until YEARS later… it was never their fault, they didn't know any better, we didn't know any better, and the fear and guilt and anger and sadness just built and built until we were unable to see a friend smile at us without expecting something bad to follow. It wasn't their fault.
God and this hurts even more because I KNOW we have friends now, don't we? A few, at least? But I don't know how to deal with friends, even though I love them, what do I do to be a friend in return, that I can do? I'm so scared of having to perform again. I'm so scared of conditional friendships. But I love them, I do, just knowing they exist, the doubts kill me, do they really care? Am I going to scare them away, by accident? Why am I even doubting them? I have so little faith in my ability to be a good friend, I guess, after all these years. I'm so sad, so sorry, so angry, for their sake. I'm not always a good friend to myself and it breaks my heart because I don't want that bleeding onto other people anymore.

This is idiocy. This is why I'm suicidal. See all that idiocy? All that whining? It's stupid. Day after day. It's ridiculous.

This body is a waste. It is too abused to function anymore.
The family says our saving grace is that we're "pretty." When we're suddenly not "pretty," well, no one really cares anymore. Once you're ugly you just get pity.
Crying isn't pretty. Scars aren't pretty. Even something as innocuous as fluffed-up hair isn't pretty. We must always be pretty, they say.
We stopped hormones for close to three months because the family suddenly decided that "it's causing all your problems!" Magically, the problems we'd had for years upon years suddenly became visible to them now that we were on "medicine" that was helping. First time in a decade the dysphoria starts to abate, we're happy, then reality slams in-- now what? We're visibly trans, can we handle the prejudice? Suddenly we're an adult, can we cope with the memory loss, with the abruptness of this new life situation? We were stressed, but deep down we were happy, we were finally reaching some truth outside. But the family said no. Stop the hormones. They're causing all this trouble. I don't like the smell. I don't like the way you're acting now. We tried to compromise but the guilt got so choking we stopped. Miserable, but feeling too selfish to pursue our own happiness, we stopped. Then some of the changes reversed. That day we went out into the car and someone screamed and sobbed for about an hour and then I don't remember the rest of that week because we were trying not to be an asshole and kill the body.
It's much, much harder to cope when the dysphoria comes back unannounced after being gone for the first time in years-- and dissociation making it so you don't actually remember what it was like back then.
After two months of awful anxiety surrounding expired prescriptions and ineligible meds we finally started the hormones again, now it's just patience waiting for them to kick back in, and skill dealing with the fear when the family tells us "they're making you sick and depressed" when I can't remember what it was like to not be on hormones in the first place. Are they right? If I hope it'd be worth the risk even then, is that stupidity? Is that a moral challenge I failed?

I don't want to be weak. I don't want to commit suicide because they said that means we "weren't strong enough" and "we failed" and "we weren't worthy of living in this blessed time" etc.
God I am so scared, I am so tired, living isn't easy either when every day is like this.
We can't eat. We can't exercise yet. We can't go out, the body is terrifying, the family is distant, we are isolated almost all day. Solitary confinement gets to you after a while, you know? All the silence, stuck in a small place, week after week after week, still being terrified that you are "too selfish" and striving to make yourself into what the "people online" say.
How do they know? Why do they have all these magic intuitive visionary powers and knowledge, and I don't? What am I missing, what's wrong with me, that I need THEM to tell me what to do?? Even when I only freaking FOUND them because their articles MATCHED my personal experiences?????
2011 was marked as "blissful" right up until the hideous, hideous hack hell in the second half of the year. The first half of the years was nonexistent. But there was a bit, somewhere in the summer, that somehow cemented itself as "transcendent" and God if WE were able to tap into that…

"We." That awful cursed word. We're just freaks, is all. We're fake and we're freaks. We've had other people with D.I.D. tell us that. We're faking it. We're making this up.
Sometimes I wish it were true, I wish it would just stop, all the hell would stop too. I often try to force it all to stop. Why do you think there have been so many reset attempts, so many bluescreens, so many glitches, so many numb periods, so much slippage? It's exhausting. We keep wanting it all to just finally stop so we attempt psychological suicide.
But then life gets even emptier, as STUPID as that is. All of a sudden life becomes grey and empty and dull. Now, what to do but the daily grind? Sleep and eat and work and do what you're told. That's it! Wash rinse and repeat, over and over, and then LO AND BEHOLD, one terrible evening you get HACKED because the dissociation and self-abuse got just that bad, and then all of a sudden there are RETRIBUTORS in the bathroom cutting even deeper lines into the legs.
And in those moments I find myself, always, ALWAYS, sobbing with joy.
It's stupid, it's so STUPID, but there it is.
After so long of nothing, I'd throw myself to the dogs if it meant Laurie would fish me out. I'd let everyone in the country use me as they wished if it meant Wreckage and Razor would be following my ass, furious and battle-ready. I'd do anything, I'd endure anything, if it would mean this numb drudgery would stop and we could be, WE could be, that blessed terrible word-- I would do anything.
And that scares me because I am tempted to say "No exceptions." I've never said that. There are too many awful "anythings" I could be forced to do. But really, I would pay in my own blood if that was their price.
That's the story of this System in a nutshell, I suppose.

Another night, another retelling of this same open wound of a topic.

I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to fix it.

This IS a cry for help now, okay? Yeah it's asinine, yeah I feel dumb and weak for it, but right now I'm just so crushingly sad that I don't care. I'm asking for help and if that means I deserve a kick in the face then okay. I'll take the broken nose. I know I'm a bad kid and I should be punished. But I'm too sad to care. Right now I need help.

I don't know how to fix this.

I… I dream of a day when this body will feel good, and clean, and holy. It's been years since it's felt worth anything.
I don't want to disgrace this family anymore. I don't want to be afraid of everyone inside because I feel so filthy, so utterly wrong and disgusting that if they showed up at my door right now, I would collapse in the bitterest tears ever shed because I would probably close that door in their face. I would close it out of shame, out of such profound and crushing shame that I, this whore, this pig, this scrap heap of filth and sin and ugliness, this reject, would DARE to exist around such perfect things. God I am so sorry for existing.
I want to be a light again, I want to be a hope-bringer again, as we were once, so so long ago, we didn't lose it, we couldn't have.

How do I "forgive myself" for this when "forgiveness" still feels like "justification" for me? How do I "forgive" this body for being such a wretched pile of filth without giving it permission to perpetuate that?
All I've ever known is, if you want something to change, you hurt it until it does. That was the method. Kid not behaving? Slap 'em around a few times. Terrify them. Shout at them. Get them so afraid, that misbehaving becomes terrifying too. That’s how it works.
But if you kick a flower for not growing, it dies.
What the heck is the difference? I don't know what it's like to be a flower. If I wasn't growing even after I was watered they'd still cut me down. I'd be a waste of their time, a waste of space. That's how it is, right?
I don't know what I'm doing. Let me try to organize the ugly thought that's trying to express itself here.



Remember when we used to have "inspiring" entries? Back when the System was real, and love was real, and dreams were bright?
I don't. I am so sad, but I don't remember.
It's funny. We forgave ner totally, but those words stuck like hooks in our brain.

At one point, we were someone they loved too. Where did we go wrong?
I still say, it's because they needed someone else, who wasn't with them at the moment. So I was a placeholder, for them both. Once that place was filled, I was no longer needed. So I can leave with grace now, realizing they never really needed me, they just missed someone else so much-- or needed someone else so much-- that I was like a painkiller, for a while. Just an aspirin to take the edge off. Now they don't hurt anymore and so I am unnecessary, which is perfectly fine.
It's funny though. I say all that and with all sincerity, I don't know who they are. Any of them! I have no memories, just a data strand that says "we knew them once, they were "friends" once, we are still having trouble managing the sudden collapse of that."
Why, I know why. It's because "they" are also described as "the ONLY people downstairs who knew about us, and cared about us." That made them invaluable. So… to suddenly and completely lose that, to have 5 years of someone knows I exist to suddenly "hey, no you don't, you were a terrible person, "guess we were wrong" about you being so nice after all!" It hit like a torpedo to the chest and we never really healed from it. The doubt never, ever went away.
Are we really that… bad? Are we really that malevolent on the inside? Are we really just an awful influence sugarcoating itself, and leading people astray? How can we tell?
Since then I've been an aching awful mess, I don't know how to reconcile this. I feel that everything I've ever felt and seen and said was a lie, even if I didn't realize it at the time.
I am so, so happy that they're all happy now. But the ache has nothing to do with them. It is, seeing them so joyous, and realizing that I do not exist anymore, in comparison to them. It's like watching a movie. The people in the movie, and the people watching it, are totally separate. But only the watchers can love the characters, not the other way around. They can never touch, ever. That's what this feels like. There's no bitterness, there's just this knowledge that I can never be part of their world. I'm fine with that. I'm not fine with the feeling of nonexistence it causes.
That is so hard to put into words. It's… for 5 years they were the ONLY people in the WORLD, literally, just two people, who knew who I was and who knew who WE were and who cared. Then it stopped dead. Almost overnight that entire time period that was "too good to be true" just… collapsed. I don't even know how. Who the heck bunked with them? What did they do? Who manned this body in 2012 and did what to them, for that consequence to occur??
All I know is that the separation was paired with the sentiment that "we were wrong about you all along" and…
Since then I've doubted everything. That's all I'm trying to say.

...Oh God that is terrible. I just realized. What if ne reads this, I don't want ner feeling guilty over that, there's nothing to feel guilty about. What do I do, do I still publish that? I can't lie, I need to express it, I'm not mad or sad or bitter at them, never-- I can't go back, I don't even want to, it's been to long, I don't remember anything-- but what did we do? What did we do? I want to fix that somehow, I want to heal THAT, I want to somehow scrub out all the pain and hurt we somehow left on them, I want to know that the thought of us brings NO pain to their hearts. I am so sorry, I don't even know what I'm sorry for, I just want this to be well, I just want you to be well.
Someone loved you. They did. I don't know who they were, we can't find them, I don't know what they said or did but there is a resonance, of the way they genuinely thought of you, and it was true. I want to say that, at least, for everyone we once knew out there. You were loved, we didn't lie. They just... disappeared, and the people who I guess you met later didn't know or remember that well. But I can see it there. I hope that means something, if only to patch up some aches, to clear up some confusion. There's a lot of confusion here for me at least.
I don't want there to be blind spots and bruises in your memory because of us. It's not fair to you. You have my blessing I guess, for what it's worth. For whatever you gave us, for whoever you were to us, thank you.

Geez even saying that feels selfish because it's something I said.


On that note, I don't want to be a bad person. But I'm so ashamed of all the self-promoting garbage that gets posted here.
"Listen what a good day I had!" "Let me tell you about how much I like life!"
And why am I so bitter over it? Because I'm convinced it's fake. …Or at least, I'm scared to admit it might not be. Because… because if people in this System really are happy, the real kind of happiness… I don't know.
I'm angry because I see the darkness too. I see that we are a horrible influence on people still. Look at me, look at all this angsty typing. I'm a bad influence, no one wants me around their kids or families, I'm the one they kick out on the street! Not Jay, not that kid who can't be bad, to the point where he drags everyone ELSE into pain. What irony. And that's why I'm angry, because I'm sad, I'm so unbearably sad, he exists because we NEED that, we NEED someone who CAN'T be touched by that awful sadness, someone who CAN somehow, inexplicably, impossibly, tap into genuine joy even in the face of death and NOT be tormented in the process.
Jay doesn't get hacked. People try, always it seems, but he gets kicked out too fast. Problem is then other people get hacked. And he can't bear it when he finds out, if he finds out. It's not really his fault, not really. He just tries too hard to bring light everywhere, even to the guillotine, forgetting that the blade's gonna drop either way. Malevolent forces follow him, like the Plague, yes that was a terrible pun but it's true. He's the target because he's a testament to what they are NOT, to what they CAN'T touch and ruin, and they want him dead. But even after all these resets, even after how many times he's been shattered, he's STILL around somehow. And that makes me so so sad, to see him unaware of this nightmare, and for me to WANT him to be unaware of it all, because he's hope in some weird stupid way, hope that we're not evil, hope that this painful life situation isn't the endgame, hope that there's more to life than what I feel.
When we tap into headspace, we touch something bright and real, every time. Even when we're sad. Even for me. I realize that now. Even now, with this body sick and the head hurting, even with the reality of the family collapsing about us, even with us not knowing what tomorrow will bring… tapping into headspace, even for a moment, catches me in the moment, and… for a second, everything is bigger on the inside. Suddenly there's more. Even if I can't see it, I can feel it there, some greater experience, and God I wish that could stay, I want it to stay, PLEASE let that be the right thing for us, somehow… somehow, somehow, PLEASE, don't let it be wrong.
There's too much love there, just in the fabric of it, not the romantic bilge this physical space keeps throwing at us even now… no, there's real love in headspace, compassion, something that language doesn't express. It's stupid. It's so stupid. I feel like an idiot saying this, all fancy childish dreams and ideals. But no one's laughing at me this time. They're standing back, staring at me with a mix of anger and fear, and they won't say a word.
I don't want to be part of it, personally. I couldn't. It'd kill me, I think. Too much. But if my job is to work this body, then at least let me know it's there, at least let me touch it for God's sake, it's the only light I've got, is knowing that exists alongside this.

I don't know what to do. This is all I can do, this typing stuff. I'll switch out at some point, probably, something I won't experience or remember, but I'll be gone. I hope someone good comes in and gives this poor stupid broken body a rest.

I… if this life was all there was, then yes, I would want to die. If that fighting in the kitchen was all there was, I'd want to die. If I had nothing to live for but the daily grind, then I'd want to die.
It's hard, even now, feeling all that rage and desperation and screaming teeth-emotion from them. It gets in and sticks and it hurts.
But that's not all there is.
There's more somewhere, something clearer, something I wish, something-- God, I wish I could reach--

 

 

 

 

 

Do I actually have depression? I don't know.
It's both frustrating and annoying whenever someone asks my therapists or docs for a diagnosis and they tack "anxiety and depression" onto the end. It's so generic to me. "Yeah, ze gets sad and nervous sometimes." Do I? I honestly can't tell. I don't get sad, I wish to heaven that I did, emotions are so alien lately. It's more of this… this emptiness. Let me talk about that, that's why I'm here.

I have to leave in 30 minutes to go to Cannon's campus again, they're having a choir concert, they're even singing some Eric Whitacre stuff. Now normally I love choral music, you know that. I adore it. The last time I couldn't go to a choir concert I broke down in tears, it felt like a stab in my own heart. They sound like me. …Or at least, they should. I should sound like them, rather.
It's weird. I don't know when I stopped drawing, but it was because I didn't want the buildup of paper clutter.


I'm scared to get a job. I'll admit it. I'm scared because I don't want to be locked into another automated routine. Yeah, it'll get us out of this house, but at what cost?
My grandparents are… getting older. It's scary. It makes me feel like a helpless child, to see them in pain, to see them struggling to get around now, to see the memory problems. All my life they seemed more 'alive' than anyone else I knew. They were smarter, wiser, stronger. And now, within the past few months… suddenly, this.
I'm scared because when they die, what will I do? Where will I go?
I want a job, I want money to support them, but without me they're home alone, they forget, they get lonely and scared… it makes me want to cry. I want to be there for them NOW, not wishing I had been when it's too late.
I'm trying to sell things. There's a few things I can sell. I know commissions are always an option but I need to burn through whatever weird fear is surrounding art, first.
I think it's fear of "being used?" Which is dumb. I can say no to any commission I don't feel comfortable with. Except I never did in the past, and oh we regret that badly some nights. Ah well. The past is the past.

The other thing is that I don't want to become a corporate slave or whatever, not sure on language. I can't sell things to people. I can't lie anymore, I can't. Is that weakness? To recognize that I would not be able to properly hold a certain store job or role, because it would require me to build a false persona? I DO NOT want that happening again.
It's tough enough with this lack of life lately, this emptiness of self. Is that better? They say that before you hit real joy you have to hit rock bottom. What is this? Don't you dare tell me it's "not bad enough" yet, I shouldn't have to go that far, should I?


Should "religion" hurt this much? Badly, not the good fire. This is the "is there any way out of this self-wrought hell or am I hopeless" feeling. I'm reading too much.
Stop. Stop this stupidity. Stop.


I'm learning a lot from what I'm reading. I have to let go of that old mindset.
The real problem is that there is so much, and most of it is frightening, overwhelming. I look at the amount of stuff I have to read, see pages upon pages, want to cry from frustration. It's ridiculous. Why this weakness?

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 11:08 pm

 

I'm reading up on Hinduism again and I'm having some significant thoughts.

My daily "worship practice" has been hit-and-miss for too long. I used to forsake the idea of rituals, thinking them "obligatory" and therefore tedious and empty, but really, that just means my motivation was missing.
All true "rituals" for spiritual purposes should be an expression of love. That's the heart of it. Chants, exercises, prayers, et cetera-- if it is not motivated by pure love for God, or whatsoever you may call That, then it is not really "worship." Then it is empty obligation.
I want to go back to daily rituals that I have built, personally, out of true love and devotion. This ego will be conquered, but it must be conquered without hate, or fear, or anger, or bloodshed. Yes, this is a "war" and I must continue to "fight" and never give in-- I must never give up-- but it is a war that only Love can win. That is the truth.
I've realized that lately too. All my striving, all my desperate hopes and efforts to "be good" and "stop sinning" et cetera, has been motivated mostly by fear. That's not working, of course. All fear does is feed fear. I was making myself sick, focusing only on "bad" things, on flaws and failures and falling short of what I felt I should be. I wanted to be "worthy of God," but all my thoughts were being drowned by the devastating thought that I "was unworthy." How can I achieve anything when such a breach is present? I need to drop the fear altogether.
Of course I still feel unworthy. In a sense I really am. There's so much stuff between me and my truest inner nature, all the buildup of the ego. But it's illusory, I must remember that. Conquer it, discipline myself, but all that fear and failure isn't real, in the end.
Love. Love is the true motivation and the true action. If I start living from love alone, love for God above and God within-- then I will no longer feel distraught and lost and worked to the bone. Then my worship practice will be true worship.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 11:31 pm



miscellaneous notes from voice recorder:

 

make list of things that cause a kneejerk shame/guilt/fear reaction, from least to most,
ESPECIALLY around things you treasure/ like/ love in life,
afraid of judgment/ condemnation/ demonization, etc.
write down negative messages,
then positive reinforcements, "this is why the negative isn't true"

why are we looking for sugar? even though we hate it?
"you're not being sweet to me."
internal anger, self-hatred, wanting it to change via punishment.
we need internal sweetness, but we are not giving it, out of self-hatred
having any outside is heavily damned and punished severely
so this bleeds over


wednesday, end of may or early june
driving home in the fog with chaos, dashboard said 333.8 as soon as I realized what I was feeling. steam on road, failure of language, problems with guilt, feeling "at home" for the first time in ages. realizing I'm miserable because my inner life and outer life are not syncing. if I have to keep censoring my inner life, if I cannot bring who I am outwards, if I cannot mesh the two, I will be miserable.
I keep feeling guilty for loving people, like I should be ashamed of being "my own person"


saturday in early july? after june 25.
went out shopping, train started going by in front of us. waved at conductor, he waved back

obligation problem:
"why do you want to be in a relationship"
"because that's what you do. if you love someone you HAVE to be in a relationship with them, or you are actively rejecting them in malice."
BUT demanding "detachment" from all relationships, hating closeness?
remember most relationships data debris are negative and FALSE. obligatory programming. LET GO.
anything with "have to do" "supposed to do" with this causes abyss of anger, sadness, frustration

big synchronicity day at the library, despite it being a very negative morning-- randomly found sea book, everything was the ocean. "part of creation within you," drops of water. evaporation, condensation, etc.

grandmother with excess food, "well we have to use up all these cans…"
WE INTERNALIZED THAT TOXIC MINDSET
and we are mirroring it back to her!!!
if life is abundant, both good and bad is in abundance, you will NEVER "USE IT ALL UP"
OUR MINDSETS ARE OPERATING FROM A PLACE OF LACK, we think we can deplete things
grandpa has this too, overcompensating?
WE HAVE TO BECOME ACTIVELY AWARE OF THIS AND START CHANGING IT

 

 

 

Just a brainspill to pass the time.

It's only 11PM and I am so tired, spiritually so. I'm just going to go to sleep. I didn't sleep well at all last night, I woke up about 8 times and kept having nightmares. The one I remember... I was trying to steal cereal from a store? I didn't have money and was trying to sneak it out, but my bro and his girlfriend were there, and they kept following me and staring at me. I got so upset I gave the cashier my money and just left all the groceries, I didn't want the guilt of having them now. But when I left they followed me, I ran but they cornered me in some dark corner of the cellar, where I was hiding behind a sheet of metal. I was holding a rusty axe to my throat with tears running down my face, wanting to die but wanting those two to leave and being exhausted and being scared of the pain. They found me and all I know is that Laurie took over, beautifully brutal, and I swear the dreambody actually switched to hers. She got us out of there. That's all I know and that's comfort enough.
She didn't say anything about the axe. I understand why.

I cannot remember the last time I genuinely laughed or smiled, and that is frightening and heartbreaking.
'Tuning in to bliss' or whatever isn't working because that term got disrupted somehow. Wrong word now, it's sad. And so much 'happiness' is emotionless now. I can't remember how to feel emotions. Things are too numb. I told the therapist, I forget what she said. I think it's a coping mechanism or something. Moral corruption. "Good people don't rebel, don't have opinions, don't judge." So I don't judge anything as happy or sad or good or bad, I just sit here and let life wash over me like bleached foam, I remember when that used to be ocean water, that was a long time ago.
Not allowed to feel. It's false. Feelings aren't real. Who put this into my head. Who put it there, who taught me this, is it right?
I'm tired of listening to aliens and angels and false prophets and angry gods. I'm so tired of being terrified to question their whims and orders and chiding and coddling. Leave me alone. Maybe that will condemn me to hell but I cannot freaking function when you won't stop whispering into my ears. It's too loud, I can't see. I can't live. Is that what you want?
The worst demons are the ones that look just like angels, and all the evidence supports that too. The devil quotes Scripture for his own purposes.


I am so damn tired. I want to stay off the Internet for all of November. Especially Tumblr. That place is so toxic. Toxic toxic, poison. Not worth the effort and time. The people I care about there can still see me here. I need to leave that place for a while, heal my head. Our head. That differentiation is important. Things have been so vague lately.


I bought squash today. It's comforting to cook, to cut apart and separate after. I need to do things with my hands, disassembling, to calm down often. Just taking things apart, organizing pieces into piles, moving them around again, making different groups, over and over. People think it's weird but it helps so much. I spend 5, 6 hours in the kitchen every day now because the only thing I can shred and compartmentalize is food. I don't eat it. I just move it around really. I need to buy a box of things that I can do this with instead, get out of the kitchen, there's too much noise and people in there and that just feeds the stress cycle. I'll think of something.
I thought of making a stimming box or something. Like pieces of different textures, little things that make sounds, pretty clear plastics and glossy bits and colors. Maybe. But I don't like so many material possessions. I'm cleaning things out the way it is. Less and less.

On that note I might be homeless soon. Sorry I didn't say so sooner. I don't like thinking about it because it's existentially disturbing on some level, not knowing how we'd take care of ourself on our own right now, where will we get money for safe food and transportation and things. I don't like to think about it. Positive, positive. We need to focus on the positive. We CAN do this, we have the power, we've done it before. But I haven't laughed in weeks and I only smile at night and I'm so tired, I want more alone time, I want a place in this damn house where I can dissociate for three hours and NOT be hacked or otherwise mangled, I want to be able to go into headspace without smelling the old blood and feeling the lightning buzz in the air. I'm tired. We're tired.

At night it's better. At night there's hope. I think. They said hope was sinful, a vice, a false thing to lead you astray. Is it?
If it's not, if hope keeps you walking towards better days, let us have it. Stop telling us hope is a wolf in sheep's clothing. Is it? It hurts to think about.
At night there's hope. E told us of a dream ze had about Chaos, the other day. I haven't stopped thinking about it. The night before ze told us, we had been so sad, and he was there to comfort us. We didn't say or do anything and we didn't move, too tired. That was okay. He said he'd be there, and didn't push the issue, didn't make us do or say anything different. Thank you. Too many people outside did the opposite. I want my mind to be full of the better options, of respect like that. And the next morning ze told us of the dream and I just looked at that message, "of all days to hear that," and I keep thinking of it.

There's blood all over the legs and it's odd, I don't know when it got there. I don't know who put it there and when. Back to the dissociative days I guess. At least there was retribution, that at least keeps things moral and holy, that at least fights the demons back.

I think I'm forcing myself into too much of a box. I think my life needs to be more abstract. Art is so draining now, except when I just do swirls of color and things. Drawing concrete solid forms makes my head hurt and my eyes want to cry. Why? Is that because of college? We've heard of some systems being unable to draw people because of abuse memories. But I don't want to be ruled by that, those days are over. Except the family keeps triggering us so bad. Except Jeremiah was out again last night, trying to protect the children from errant blind bodies outside. It's so sad, to not know anyone here who can talk to us, who can listen to us.
If I had money I would just play with creative things. I'd buy beads and fabric and gems and stuff and just make things. I think. I'd like to try. I'd buy little canvases and do paintings like Cannon used to, just broad swathes of gouache and watercolor and glitter. Inkblots! We actually made so man inkblots, we love them, we want to sell them but how? We'll put them on etsy maybe. Love inkblots. That's the sort of art I LIKE to do, is that okay? Does that make us less of an artist? If we like weird fragmented hazy ideas and things. Is that less? Does that count of art?
Music too. Handbells, so many. Cellos. A piano. Thumb pianos. Bells! Like church bells, a choir. Metallophones. Timpanis, for those lovely drum rolls. The back of a piano, those open strings. Wood, wooden sounds, percussion. Just play things into a microphone and layer it, build on it, let it flow. The symphonies in our head slowly taking shape. A flute, an english horn, an orchestra. Sweeping notes and feelings, can we hire an orchestra? That would be so cool. But abstract, that too. We need a microphone. Step one. Get one and we can start.
Is this why I can't "write a book?" Because the structure, the linear-ness, is hard for me to understand? Again, does that make me flawed? If other people get frustrated with me, if I inconvenience them? "The customer is always right." "There's no market for your work." "We can't sell this." What do I do? I'll still have these idea waterfalls. But how to sort them... like the squash, like the pieces of things, circuitboards. Not puzzles, that's one-option-only. Set outcome. I just like taking things apart and putting them into a new order I thought of, something nice. It's what I'm trying to do with typecodes. I need visuals. It's easier that way. What am I saying.
I'd love to write a book but I've never seen a linear story. I see bursts here and there, maybe only a handful of actual 'events.' Everything else is data, is "knowing," is intuitive. That makes it hard to draw people too, I don't "see" so many of them, but I know what they look like... I've said that before. And I know what they are like, too, even if I've never seen them act as a person. It's hard to put into words, into a book, that sort of imagination and things. I wonder what other options there are. I'll find out.

I might be homeless soon. Don't think about it. I have to.
The mother disowned us, that we know. The father might let us stay with him for a month or two tops. He did before, in 2010, we don't remember. He got really really mad though, impatient with our difficulties in the long term. Understandable. Brother is not safe, especially not with the girlfriend. Not safe at all.
Grandfather does not want us here. Grandmother "needs us" currently BUT the second she discovers we are trans*, we will be on the streets. I am trying so so hard to hide this, it's making me sad and paranoid and that is feeding this numb depression. "Don't feel anything." Don't exist. Now the body is changing, scary in some ways, so scary, but now it doesn't look or sound like her. That's a godsend. We will take that. But... no one can know. Except we can't hide it. There's hair on the face, the voice is breaking. People keep asking. Everyone is asking. People suspect. One day it will be unavoidable. And in this family, who still holds ancient prejudices, where will we be? Not in it. Gone. I wish it were otherwise. But it's not safe here anyway.
To live on our own... should we? To have one friend there, or two, would be nice. Company is good, to keep track of time, to keep us from dissociating and forgetting to eat or bathe or move for too long. To help us function on bad days. It would be ideal. Does that make us weak? Does that make us manipulative? They said we were, we don't want that happening again. Ssh that's over forever, done with, thank goodness. Memories are dripping away now, almost gone, free to go.
Where would we go. Looking at other states, better rent prices, better rights for LGBTA+ people, et cetera. Nice weather, lots of trees. Thinking of somewhere in New England maybe, just ideas. Or a bit below us. Not too far at first, of course. But away from here, where we are shackled to the past. SLC showed us how blissful that was at least, no one knowing who drove this body before, the freedom to BE. That feeling stayed. Stays. That's a nice thing that we want again, once the body is changed enough. A new start.
We'll do this, we can do this, here's some hope, it's nice. One step at a time.

It's 11:30. We really want to go to bed at 10PM every day, that's the truth. We get so tired. But we force ourselves to stay awake, because it's at least quiet at night. We want to get up early and have sunlight, but then it's not quiet. We want to go out and do morning jogs again, to have lovely quiet slow mornings, to take the daytime to create and work. We don't want to struggle with fatigue every evening just to have peace. Hm. We'll try again tomorrow.


This is a jumble... tomorrow is Thursday. We'll have to sleep in then. The grandmother is cleaning, Overload will lose her mind. The sensory overload is hell. It's only one day a week, only one day. We'll deal. The vibe is so so bad but we'll deal. Maybe we'll go outside.
I can vacuum though, I love vacuuming it's fun, we could do that all day. And we do need to clean this room more, organizing all the books, lining everything up in straight rows on the shelves. That's good too. Then when it's all done we will... cook... a tiny kabocha squash. It's so small. I will take a picture of it for you it's great. The farmers didn't know how to cook them actually, we got to tell them how when we bought them, it was so nice. They listened and were happy to hear it. It's like a sweet potato. You can eat the skin, it's the best part. Kabocha squash. It tastes like a cucumber egg sometimes, it's great.

OH I promised you guys autumn pictures and I FOUND the camera but I could only get three pictures because it rained and most of the leaves fell. Here look.



Okay we have to sleep. She won't stop talking to us in that scary scary way and I want to cry. I want to tell her to stop but then she'll get mad and spite us for the next day or two, she doens't understand. but i want it to stop or at least i want to be numb enough to not care
see this is the problem, what is it? what is the problem? we are the problem, for having a problem
that's nonsense, it's a lie
no it's not
sorry. sleep


A positive note? Um, oh, I tried writing music again the other night. Just ideas. I got something! I'll try to work on it more later. Parnassus and Rosewindow stuff actually. I wish I had more sounds to work with though. Ah well, we do what we can.

I just realized Xennie might still be awake so I'm going to go wish her a good night too, bye everyone~

this is a mindspill.
we're not doing this bad in reality, this is just coming up to be dealt with
this is non-censored stream of consciousness typing
i am sorry if it is raw or brutal or angry that is just how it is




I don't feel anything anymore. Is this normal? Is this "enlightened," to be utterly devoid of feeling?
But that's not true, is it (shut the fck up with the drama). See? (SHUT THE FCK UP)
rage, hatred, self-loathing is present
I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON’T SHUT YOUR FCKING MOUTH I WILL KILL YOU
All this condemnation
SHUT UP
Saying I'm a drama queen whore just for talking
BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING SO DAMN DRAMATIC YOU ATTENTION WHORE
I'm just trying to talk.
FCK OFF, BITCH. HUMBLE YOURSELF.

You're not supposed to talk when you're enlightened. You have to lose all sense of self. Speaking is selfish, it shows that you think you are proud and arrogant enough to be some special opinionated thing. Fuck off.


I really don’t want to talk to mel anymore. I feel no ties to them but I feel I have no choice, like I HAVE to cling to them even if it makes me cringe. I never really felt a connection to them as a person. We have nothing in common.
YES YOU DO YOU FCKING PRICK. TALK TO THEM, STOP BEING A SELFISH BITCH.
I would only ever talk to them about our respective headspaces.
BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ENTITLED SELFISH BITCH. SHUT YOUR FCKING MOUTH. LET THEM TALK ABOUT THEMSELF. LISTEN TO THEM. DON'T YOU SAY A FCKING WORD.
Then I'm just a receptacle.
GOOD. BE A RECEPTACLE. FOR ALL THEY PUT IN YOU. TAKE IT.
…I don't want to.
FCK OFF. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY NO. FOLLOW YOUR ORDERS. MEL IS HOLIER THAN YOU. MEL IS BETTER THAN YOU. MEL HAS NO REASON TO THINK OF YOU EVER, SO STOP DEMANDING THAT THEY DO, YOU FCKING JERKASS FCK.
I don't demand anything of them.
THEN WHY DO YOU ALWAYS WANT THEM TO THINK OF YOU, YOU FCKER.
I don't know? I guess I feel that, since I'm "obligated to be at their beck and call," it would be nice to see that reciprocated in a vague acknowledgement of me once in a while.
SELFISH. YOU'RE A SELFISH BITCH. HOW DARE YOU ASK. THE PRAYERS SAY, "GRANT THAT I MAY NEVER SEEK SO MUCH TO BE CONSOLED AS TO CONSOLE." YOU WILL BE COMFORTLESS. YOU WILL GET NOTHING. BUT YOU WILL GIVE EVERYTHING.
Is that good?
IT IS THE BEST THING. YOU MUST EMPTY YOURSELF FOR OTHERS.
Then what do I do when no one else is around?
IMPOSSIBLE. THERE ARE ALWAYS OTHERS. DEDICATE YOUR LIFE TO THEM.
So does this mean I am not allowed to have opinions or personal wants?
NO. NONE OF THEM. YOU EAT WHAT YOU ARE GIVEN, YOU COMPLAIN NOT, YOU ASK NOT. YOU DO WHAT YOU ARE TOLD, YOU REBEL NOT, YOU COMPLAIN NOT. YOU DO WHAT YOU ARE TOLD. YOU LIVE FOR THE SERVICE OF OTHERS. YOU DO NOTHING OUT OF LINE.


mel took that photo that looks exactly like me and tagged it to their friend instead
"this reminds me of someone else"
and I thought,
"my identity has been erased. my face has now been repainted as another. I am no one now."
mel has slowly taken my "identity" away from me since I left in 2012
they have stolen bits and pieces away, absorbing them into theirself, giving them to others
the things they used to say reminded them of me, now remind them of entirely separate things
and the things that were still of me, they have reassigned
I am powerless to stop it
I am powerless to question it
maybe that's why some part of me hates them
and I can't seem to let go.
there is this awful frantic bitter fear in this fact, that mel is erasing us from existence
since we hinge our existence on their acknowledgement of us
even if we don't know them or want to have anything to do with them anymore as a result
we feel no ties to them and want to leave, but they will not let us
no hard feelings, but is that true if someone tells you that you are having hard feelings anyway?
If I am mentally convinced that you still feel for me the way you did after we left, what do I do?
I never saw a change. You told me I was the opposite of light. You told me I was no longer a sunrise. You told me I had used and abused you. And part of me never let go of that, because it broke when it heard that, and that part of my mind is still stuck in that moment. How do we move on, without moving on from you too?
It's not that we don't want to. It's that we are not allowed to, God knows why.

I guess it's to be expected. Mel doesn't know who we are either. Their timeline didn't freeze when we left.
We're still glitching out somewhere between October 2012 and now. We're not sure what happened with them and their husband and their friends. Our memory is mangled now. But, Mel came walking out of that unseeable space, and now we don't know what to do. We've sworn obedience to them simply because they exist, and they asked us first, and we cannot refuse. But we're tired and sad and frustrated and we just want to cry and pull our hands away, because that is over for us, it never even was in the first place, why are you keeping us there when you have people to replace our shadow? We were nothing but a placeholder, otherwise we would feel differently. Our role in your life is over. I will never see you acknowledge me, or care for me like you care for them, and I do not need you to. Honestly I would feel uncomfortably trapped if you did, because that would again chain me there, and I must move on. But your words have already nailed me to the floor. What do I do?


I will practice. Piece by piece.
I will go on Mel's blog and I will say to myself, "this is a person I am no longer tied to." I will mentally release them, and look at them as if they are a stranger I am just looking at. It doesn't hurt that way.
I will no longer expect, or fear, or seek anything from them. They are separate from me. I am separate from them. They have no ties on me, nor I to them. Our lives are no longer tangled. I am free and so are they and all their friends. I am not part of their world anymore, for I did not belong there to begin with.


And maybe that's why I "hate" headspace.
That is the only thing keeping me stuck to Mel.
Their people knew our people, once. Once. They have no idea who we are now, nor we them.
Mel knows maybe six of us, out of seventy. And… God forgive me if I say this, but talking to them makes me cry. It does. Hot angry tears run down my face and I close my computer, because they never stop asking questions. "I don't understand this." "What do you mean by this?" "Explain this." It's all so goddamned logical and cold and I swear to God I NEVER FELT ANYTHING LIKE WARMTH FROM HER. EVER.
THAT IS WHY I AM SO FCKING BITTER THEY SAID THEY LOVED US BUT THERE WAS NEVER ANY LOVE
THERE WAS ONLY THIS FCKING MENTAL ASSESSMENT OF EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE
WHEN THE HELL DID EITHER OF THEM EVER SHOW EMOTIONS TOWARDS US
ANY OF US
WAS THERE EVER GENUINE EMOTION FROM THEM
probably, yes, there probably was
but we couldn't recognize it as it was a totally foreign language to us. smothered, muffled, quiet, hidden.
I am so freaking sorry but that wasn't for me. is that selfish? I can't say no.
GOD DAMN IT I WANT TO SAY NO YOU NEVER GAVE ME THAT LUXURY BEFORE
YOU NEVER LET US SAY NO TO HIM
AND WE WANTED TO SAY NO
SO MANY TIMES
WHY DO YOU THINK WE DON’T REMEMBER HIM BECAUSE WE DIDN'T WANT TO BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE
SAME WITH MEL, YOU NEVER LET US SAY NO TO THEM, THEY ARE NOT FOR US AND WE ARE NOT FOR THEM
MEL DOES NOT FCKING NEED US YOU FCKING PRICK!!!!!!! OTHERWISE THEY WOULD HAVE REACHED OUT TO US SOONER AFTER THEY LEFT!!!! AND THEY DID NOT!!!! THEY ARE DOING MUCH BETTER NOW THAN THEY EVER DID WITH US SO FCK THE HELL OFF AND LET THEM BE!!!!

I don't know what to do.
Mel says they "need" us there to listen. What if I can't? I mean, I can, but I'm just sitting here as a mailbox. I'm just looking at what they send me, the paragraphs telling of a life I don't know or understand, and wishing them well from a distance. Honest to God I hope their therapist takes my place, because I am literally doing NOTHING but typing up programmed replies, judging "what is correct to say" and saying it. Yes I mean well, but this is so contrived, so shallow.
It would be so much easier if they didn't shower us with praise afterwards. "You help so much!" I didn't even do anything! I read your words, wrote a fitting response, and yes I genuinely wish you the best but I can't do this, I am so fcking sorry, is that selfish? Is that weak and arrogant and evil? Am I allowed to say "this is spiritually exhausting for me" or will I get a divine slap in the face for daring to object to this task?


Maybe I shouldn’t post this. This is just a mindspill. I'm just typing to get the screaming scribbles out of my head.
But I am so terrified that Mel will read this, and they will hate us, and that anger will be reciprocated by God who will punish us terribly for daring to speak out like this. Isn't that weird? We feel that her reaction to us will be magnified a thousand times by the world, as some sort of holy order. If we make her happy, then we may continue in life healthily for a while. The second we make her feel sad, or angry, or alone, then we will be punished terribly just the same. I am so sick of this. I want to be free, but saying that is evil.

The problem is, if I believe that, the punishment thing, it will come true. I will magnetize it to me. I want to stop believing that but I cannot see anything else to believe, as I am convinced that this situation is the only "right" thing to do.
Daring to believe that I have no existential anchor to Mel feels like blasphemy, but it's tempting. It's so damn tempting, to dream of being unfettered. Is that the sinner's song? Is that the apple of Eden? Is that the black mark in my book that will send me to hell, that first flicker of rebellion, and then I am lost forever?
Why the hell am I still fighting this fight?

I don't want to think about this anymore, I am actually getting physically ill. Again. I usually do, when I think about them, IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT but it's true on my end. God I want to absolve them BY LETTING GO.
They do not deserve to have this reflected here. They deserve to be free, but they cannot be if we are tied to them!! LET US LET GO!!!!!
don't you DARE tell me to shut the fck up, I am ALLOWED TO SAY THINGS
YES I AM
IF I WASN'T ALLOWED TO HAVE A "SELF" THEN WHY DID I INCARNATE HERE
to "destroy the self" you say, to become "nothingness" again
well that is what we were attempting via suicide, which you ALLOW, just want to put that out there
you are a-okay with us killing ourselves, but not with living.
why the fck does that feel more morally correct than the alternative, this isn't right


back to the first paragraph, on that note, stop shoving me away from this topic i don't trust you anymore
no i don't, if it's a sin then i'll risk it for now
stop screaming at me to obey what does obeying mean
"shutting up" you say, okay, and then doing what?
"nothing," you say. "doing nothing, and dying the little death."
so what about in the meantime? am i allowed to eat or sleep or wash or anything?
one of you calls me a "fcking hedonist" for that, another of you says "only as much is allowed to keep you alive and dying"
fck off
just, fck off, all of you
you feel terrible, go away


first paragraph.
i feel nothing! again! why the hell is this common!
there USED to be relationships in headspace. maybe as recently as two days ago. maybe as far away as ten years ago. who knows.
time 4372859 we've had this conversation, probably, right?
and i will tell you WHY we've stopped having relationships of any sort, because it's happening RIGHT NOW.
this goddamned programming keeps shoving people into EVIL contexts. corrupted contexts, it's WRONG.
guess what? those images and words in your head? that uncomfortable, ugly, scary, shaky stuff? that they are saying those people are doing?
guess what. LOOK AT IT. tune into it. tap into the energy. guess what? IT'S FAKE. IT COLLAPSES IMMEDIATELY. IT IS NOT THEM.
you know it. you know it. i'm excited. you KNOW it. it's the tar!!! it's the tar, and the plague is the showmaster, he's pulling the strings. he's making them dance, like that, badly, but it's not them. you know it. you can feel it.
that's why you get confused when you go by images or forms alone. bodies lie. pictures lie. feelings don't. FEELINGS DON'T.
whatever feels right, in your HEART, is TRUE. who cares what it looks like or what form it is wearing. eschew your five senses for a minute, be that daring, be that scared in order to be free to the truth. listen to your sixth sense, the one that looks beyond, the one that recognizes the constant thing you are really trying to feel. i don't care what the tar says they are doing. they are NOT DOING IT. you can FEEL IT.

laurie does NOT ACT LIKE THAT. neither does chaos, or genesis for that matter. THEY DO NOT ACT LIKE THAT.
infinitii gets stuck sometimes in the tar but ze will stop as soon as you remind hir what hir heart is. ALWAYS. you know it. that's why ze is never hacked, because ze is free, by knowing in hir heart. ze does it, you know. you can too. you should, always.

this is important. forget what was before. let go of it. it is tying you to the past. this song is sending you a message, so listen to it and accept it.
stop listening to the bad voices, please jay, they do not have your best interests in mind. they do not care about the well-being of your heart. at all.


but i'm scared
i don't want to get "attached to people" when i love them
but where is the line? where is the line between my loving them, and the universe telling me "no, they will never love you back?"
why do i care? i should not care. but weirdly, i feel the strongest loves must be reciprocated, as those loves must be shared and echoed. otherwise... guess what, i feel almost nothing. i love, sure, but it's just a simple, ripple-less love. it's basic, and that's fine too.
but i miss the love that brings you to tears. i miss the love that makes you sing, and paints the air the color of flowers. maybe that's stupid language, but it's the only thing those feelings translate into. rainbow colors and music. i don't feel that much anymore, because i am terrified that those things mean i am "attached," that i am being "demanding" or "manipulative." why???
i want to feel like that again but i am fcking terrified that those feelings will turn me into a slut again.
i am so scared of that i am sorry, but please understand
the last time i tried to express that, i fell into an old and twisted program, and i
i fell into a very bad place
we all did
i do not ever ever EVER want that to happen again even if that means shutting off everything that may lead to it
is that the best choice? shutting off all emotions, to avoid accidentally becoming an abuser, or turning someone else into one? why does that happen?

i don't think words are the best place to reflect upon this.
i have to stay up another hour, someone ate late, i need to forgive them
they need to forgive themselves, which is even harder most times
they believe that when the body gets sick, when it gets swollen or in pain or otherwise frightened
it is god telling them "you are not worthy of having a healthy body, because you fcked up big time"
"you made a mistake, and you do not deserve to look respectful, or feel comfortable in your own skin."
it feels like a punishment, a declaration of total unworthiness. also a declaration that they are unworthy of respect and love from others too.
it is a horrible thing
i don't think it is true, do you? he just got sick. no the body got sick. because we put sick stuff into it i guess. we weren't careful. but jay cares about the body, he doesn't want it to get sick, he knows that! he made a mistake, or he wasn't watching, and that's okay, he will try again better. he doesn't hate the body he loves it and he loves us and he wants it to get better. so we shouldn't hate it.
we don't hate it we are afraid god hates us because we fcked up and hurt the body
but we didn't want to though. we tried and messed up a little and we will try again better tomorrow right?
can we?
yeah. as long as we are aliving we can still try.
okay.

see it's that simple
god doesn't punish you that's not god! that's those bad people!
god has consequences. you fck up you pay consequences
but not because he hates you! god does not punish you because he hates you. if you pay consequences you get sick because you ate a sick thing. it's not evil it's just sick and sad. and you have to heal it by loving it. right? so the consequences aren't all bad really.
someone says "loving them" means sex
no!!! stop saying that someone, it's not true! stop it!
it can be
stop it. "it can be" maybe. not for us. okay? not by forcing, not by telling us we have to. that's not love, ever. stop it. please.
okay

what does "loving us" mean then
the feeling jay was talking about earlier. or feeling.
i don't think he was here
no not all the way. okay but he knows what that feeling is. the smiling at the sky feeling. the happy sparkle quiet feeling. quiet! not the loud one. that one's mean. the loud one doesn't love she screams and doesn't love anything, she just wants to make noise and things.
real love is quiet?
yes from the heart. that's what i know. it is not demanding like those other people say. so when the body gets sick and we love it, that means we see it quiet as it is on its best days. we see it as a good thing that is just sick for a little while. it is not sick forever and it will get better. so we acknowledge that it is sick but then we help it get better because it deserves it and so do we. okay? that's all i know sorry.
that's okay that feels a little better thank you
who are you?
i don't know jessica maybe. young girl. teenager. drifty.
oh you're faceless mostly too. okay.

should we talk about anything else?
no tired
okay. good bye everyone sorry about all the words before us i don't know what it is but it feels bad.
it is bad don't look at it
okay. good night

I feel like such an idiot.

I hate publishing these negative entries but hiding them feels so dishonest. I'll scribble them out until they no longer need to be scribbled out. Suppressing this won't help anyone.


I've been hurting my family with my toxic habits, thoughts, and actions all day today. I am so convinced that I am a filthy wreck that I am incapable of interacting with people, or taking care of myself. I want this to stop.
But there are awful, awful things in my head and I cannot bear the fact. I keep trying to purge them out, smother them, destroy them. But self-rejection doesn't help. The more I try to annihilate parts of myself, the worse the internal war gets. It's just very hard to accept those parts of me when I can't easily separate "acceptance" from "allowance." How do I accept these actively malicious, selfish, arrogant abusers, without effectively saying that what they do is okay? I need to redefine the word "accept."
To 'accept' means to acknowledge that something is there, that it exists. It means not denying it, not fighting its existence tooth and nail. It simply means to see it, and accept that. It does NOT mean letting that thing cause undue pain and suffering to others just because it exists, and therefore 'is allowed to do whatever it wants.'
That's a very hard line for me to draw.


I am so sick. I am in so much pain.
I don't know why this body stores all its screaming anguish in the lower abdomen. It's the same goddamned area that the female shit is in, where those hernias keep happening.
I heard that the alleged "spiritual cause" of these hernias is "self-condemnation." No surprise at all.
I keep shoving horrible things into myself-- self hatred, self damnation, deep judgments of 'uncurable' evilness and corruption. This old conviction that my very existence is a stain on others.
How do I get rid of it, genuinely? This morning I was okay. I read spiritual things for 4+ hours yesterday and obeyed everything I was told. I was tired but I did it. Then this morning I couldn't shake the feeling that I was made of sin.
It's stupid. How do I let go of it, truly? Is it just practice? Repetition?
I'm so tired of feeling like I must have NO self, NO free will, in order to be "good." Yes, the voices tell me the right things to do. But it's so exhausting, and so frustrating, to not be able to get dressed or eat or anything without first asking whether or not I have permission, whether or not it's "right." And so, so few things are.



...I actively tried to kill myself today. I made a concentrated effort.
Laurie stopped me.
I laughed at her. I laughed at her so bitterly it felt like spitting in her face. "Now you show up!! Why the heck do you care now??"
I don't remember what she said. But she didn't let me do it.

I keep wanting to die.
I am so sick of this pain, I am so tired of suffering. But the problem is... this pain will not ever go away until I forgive myself. If I don't stop hating myself so potently, I will never be healed.
I still think this all boils down to the false ego idea. "Self=separate." That's false. BUT in order to eat or talk, I have to take on the ego. When I'm in a universal, "self=unity" mindset, I don't want to eat or talk or be a person at all. I just want to close my eyes and be, not doing anything, forever. You can't do that here though, not for long.

I can't give up. Not as long as my death will kill others, I can't give up.
I'm terrified. I'm so scared and in pain, I want to sob until I throw up, and more, because the terror is bone-deep. This sickness is a result of the sickness I feel towards myself.
I must heal this. I know I can. I will.

 

 

 

 

I realized something today.

I have this sick, sad, deep-seated conviction that I don't belong here. Like I don't actually have a right to exist.
It's like, after God formed everyone else out of blessed clay, deliberately and with care and purpose, I crawled out of the dust swept to the side, some freak sprung out of the rejected dirt. If God were a baker, and everyone else was cut perfectly out of the dough, I was something that mutated out of the scraps left behind, out of what was swept into the refuse bin.
I feel like I'm a glitch in the program, like I'm a parasite. Like my very existence is an error, an aberration, an anomaly. Not a mistake, because that implies that my existence was intended but I just came out wrong. No, I literally wasn't even drawn into the original map.
I guess this sort of thinking is 'normal' for me, albeit radically unhealthy. But it makes sense.
I'm a headvoice. I'm not a "real person." I'm not physical, I'm not tangible. I was never born, I was never named. I have no face of my own, no past, no understanding of what it means to be an individual, at least not yet. I haven't even been alive for a year, not concretely, not really. Heck, and according to the government, I'm really imaginary-- no birth certificate, no SSN, no forms of ID whatsoever. I'm utterly nonexistent to them.
But the quiet sort of nonexistence is terrible too, and it eats at me like a cancer, all dusty white and crumbling. Knowing that I never went to school, knowing that I never passed any 'milestones' of a 'normal child,' knowing that not only do I not have a biological family, but I don't even understand the concept, and the people I live with don't even know who I am… don't even know I exist.
And after so many repetitions of that thought, I guess I began to believe it. Did I ever believe otherwise? I don't remember.

I read this yesterday.
"Illness is often a wake up call, forcing us to get down and dirty with what’s really true in our lives. We can either play the victim or we can use illness as an opportunity to awaken... ask yourself, "what does my body need in order to heal?""
I know exactly what I need. I have no roots. I feel utterly cut off from everyone else. I see the world as this great masterpiece of spirit, this flawless symphony, this work of art where everything flows in perfection according to what is meant to be… there are no mistakes. There are no errors. Even in the darkest days, this too is part of the song. Everything flows in impeccable beauty.
And yet I am convinced that I am watching it from outside.
It’s impossible, some part of me knows that. But it's tough to accept when accepting it would feel like spitting in the face of God. Like I was daring enough to even suggest that I had a right to live. And it's always tied to individuality. If I wasn't an individual, I wouldn't be a problem! I could just become part of the flow again.
Except, in my mind, "fitting back into the flow" means that I would effectively die. I wouldn't be conscious. I'd just disappear. The very act of being aware, of being conscious, of being an observer… for some reason, it makes me feel utterly ashamed.
And I know that's the whole 'ego' thing. The self is an illusion anyway, because it is based on separateness. Everything is one, everything is part of the whole. Even me, even this little reject freak. But! It's very hard to function in this world if you're not an individual. That's the paradox. That's the laughable part of it.

Part of me, a very powerful and deep part of me, wants to die as an apology. I want to die, I want to go back to being spirit, because I believe that my very existence as an individual is selfish, and it is costing others, harming others.
This is why I won't eat. This is why I struggle with self-care. This is why I hide in the background and quietly scavenge for my keep in every sense. I'm literally just waiting to stop being a person.
I don't know how to harmonize that with the knowledge that I'm a spirit, too.

This is already word salad, sorry.
I'm just… I want to feel like I belong, like I have a right to be here. I know I do, I just can't see it, can't reconcile it with my sense of 'self.' The two are at odds.
And, again, being an alter makes it worse, because even our therapist just calls me an "ego state." Just something cobbled together from the scraps. Is that all we are? And if so, does that make our lives utterly irrelevant? Utterly fictitious?

I am the silence, I know that. But how the heck do you take care of a body with that in mind?



Sorry. I keep unloading my ugly emotions here but I guess it's better than bottling them up.

Bottom line... I need to keep meditating. But I need to take care of this physical form too. The two are not mutually exclusive, as I seem convinced that they are.
I'll get through this. We'll get through this. We've survived so far, after all.


This stuff may be ugly but it's at least a continued march onwards. The spiral goes up forever. We're not lost.