september 27th

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Today has been odd.


This morning feels years old already, thanks to dissociation and forced extra sleep.
I was hacked. I will not sugar coat those incidents any more, I will not, I will NOT.
There have been so many hacks over the past several months, but no one has been writing about them here, because they've been JUSTIFYING them. They've been saying, "oh well I asked for it," or "did I ask for it?" or "but they wanted it," or "it doesn't matter," or "I don't want to remember," et cetera. It's basically impossible to tell when they happened now, let alone who they happened to, because of the massive time and identity loss that happens with them, to try and protect the consciousness of those who need to front afterwards.
So this morning I was hacked. They are very common in the mornings, between 5AM and 9AM usually. They don't happen at night because at night the children act as alarm bells, crying out in pain and terror to save us. Jeremiah shows up, Wreckage shows up, Sugar shows up, Algorith shows up. Either way people get furious and protective and we end up safe.

There's always one seethingly furious female social who protests, even at the expense of the children's safety. She is full of rage and hatred, and for reasons unknown she tries to push us into hacks and then forces us to dissociate entirely, making it difficult to escape. We don't know who she is, what her motives are, or anything yet, but she's OLD and she's disturbing. Her actions seem motivated entirely by programming, a fusion of "expected and/or obligatory behavior" and self-abuse. The head hurts to look at her motives so let's not.
In any case. There was a hack this morning. We have no data of it save for the last ten seconds, as that spiked into trauma territory, and the sudden self-preserving fear caused a moment of self-awareness. Therefore there is one little memory. It's hard to mention as it is so discordant and shocking to the Core that he does not want to look at it.
What we have is: Chaos showed up, all too suddenly, and he did not feel like him. He felt and spoke like Q (the only face tied to such behavior). The person fronting was shocked into awareness then, both from disbelief and terrible pain, shouting for him not to do it, for him to stop. Then the memory blacks out sharply, as he did not.
There was "forced sleep" then, for at least two hours, as the body could not cope with the shock and pain and so that was our only recovery option. There was a dream about Christmas cookies, stairwells, government agents, melted holiday candles, and the mother in a wedding dress. Everything felt gray and hospital-cold and overcast. It was a whimpering sort of fright, but Jay says that at the "stairwell part" there was a Christmas vibe and he can't let go of that, so the dreams don't "feel bad" as a result. This is good, that there was indeed a light of healing even amidst the flatzone vibe of the rest of it.
Even so, when the body woke up, the main fronter had one thing in mind and that was Chaos is not allowed around here anymore.

This event raises many many questions.
CZ's been 'feeling' off for months now, as everyone knows. Being an Outspacer he is mentally "split," which for him occurred when he met Jewel in 2003, possibly thanks to internalizing an Order Sapphire at the same time-- which forced a change in his very mode of expression, due to its overwhelming organizational influence (in stark contrast to his inherent 'chaotic' nature). As he spent more time with Jewel afterwards, Chaos developed a sort of "interacting personality" based on her behavior and that of her friends, picking up their quirks and attitudes. Like water, he let himself be shaped, and flowed between extremes. But even before he met us, he had a raw, angry side, brought out only in times of mental taxation, of being "pushed to the brink." Unfortunately for us, as his "social personality" grew, it tapped into that turmoil. Chaos then had a subtle "split" between his quiet, gentle, protective self-- who he was in isolation, living in docile company for many years-- and his new, expressive, powerful self, which he developed based on his environment. Most importantly, now that he had the freedom of environment and a multitude of external impetuses, his "chaotic" potential exploded outwards via optimism, wit, rage, eccentricity, and his infamously amorous behavior in close relationships.
This is hard to put into words and I apologize. I don't have access to a lot of memory here.
The bottom line is, as time went on, that side of him gained strength, which was especially (and disturbingly) notable during the early Soul Form days around 2004-2005, when he had his violent "Infinite" transformations. This was strongly reproved even then, and so such behavior became scarce as time went on. However, recent events suggest that potential was only buried, not erased. Chaos has not literally "gone Perfect" in quite some time, but the Cores have all been vigilantly aware that it could happen any day, and the possibility was tangible. Apparently there has been a lot of "subconscious work" in that area, via the Cores trying to reach out to that part of his psyche, and surprisingly things do not always end well.
Nevertheless I digress. Chaos has been vacillating between his "docile" and "dangerous" modes of mind very frequently recently, at Jay's initial behest-- he had not been able to cope with the latter's behavior and did not recognize it either, for the most part. Their relationship has been an "utter mess" since the Scratch, mostly for this reason, as Chaos has not tried to tap back into his quiet side in what may be years, for all we know.
Again I apologize as old data is very hard to reach right now but I am still trying to educate you at the moment.

But the big question is this. Is this Chaos, or is this the Tar?
The Cores tend to forget, that during the Julie days, she DID pretend to be him for her own ends. This is not new behavior on the Tar's part. The Plague does not act this way, it is a disease, not a monster of mockery. But Chaos has always been terribly susceptible to the Tar, even against his own better judgment. We have perhaps been too trusting, too unwise, to let this go unchecked for so long.
Hopefully this is a situation of hijacking. It feels like it. There is a side of Chaos untouched by this. But it is sharing his form, his psyche, with the part of him that has become too wild and uncontrolled to safely function anymore.

Infinitii is similar but this cannot be helped, as Infinitii consists of the same stuff as the Tar.
Infinitii is well aware of hir slips, of hir inescapable fallibility, of the constant "danger" sign hanging over hir head. As of late this has been taking a heavy toll on hir, but ze is at least keeping this at the forefront of her mind and doing what ze can to heal it, or at least keep it in check. This, indeed, is Infinitii's function-- bringing the darkest, bleakest, filthiest parts of the collective subconscious to our direct awareness, because once such things are made conscious, they can be transmuted.
It is just difficult, when the metaphorical beasts being dragged up from the deep are both ancient and aggressively violent.

Jay is having trouble dealing with this, not just because these two individuals dear to him are struggling so, but also because-- like me-- he has no access to many of the past-Core memories concerning Chaos.
There is a deep love in his heart for him, but it is based in recent knowledge. Jay has begun questioning the inherited emotions from past Cores, as he says they are "turning into obligatory behavior" as well as blind emotional dependency, therefore turning any current relationship into an empty act. Jay says that part of him wants to forget who Chaos was before, if only to "start again" with him know, as Jay is a new person despite the anchor-ties in his soul to a past he does not remember.
He has interacted with both sides of Chaos, AS separate individuals, which is what makes this such a pressing issue. They both behave and identify as their own people, and the more "emotional" side has powerful memories of Spinny, Cannon, Eros, and all those before... while Jay can only look back on their fragmented memories like scattered photos. Jay does not know this side of Chaos, and furthermore he does not know if he wants to, not with the angry outbursts and often-manipulative behavior he shows. So there is dissonance there.

Xenophon is struggling with this as well.
Jay is not her biological father, and can only act as an "adoptive" one to her. Chaos is her father, but he is unsure how to reconcile that fact with his internal breakage, as his older, "calmer" self is not the side tied to her, and Xenophon does not approve with how his angrier self fights with Jay. Furthermore, Jay does not front often. The socials that come out are not always kind to her, although many of them use her father's name as they have none of their own. She sees firsthand how Jayce and Jess and The Destroyer may casually abuse the body. She has seen the active abuse in the past. And so many times, she has been met by eyes that do not recognize her, or who outright reject her as a "daughter," while the face never changes. No child should endure this and yet she stays strong, somehow. Jay says that even if he "doesn't understand this father thing," he does love her, and wants the best for her, however he can provide it. This is a great source of comfort for her, that even if the current Jay cannot grasp this inherited parentage, he is still entirely willing and wanting to be a father figure for her at the very least. He does love her, as best as he can. Chaos does too, although he too is now grappling with this same issue... and his darker side is threatening a metaphorical "divorce" as of late. Jay has no patience for drama so he will not discuss this yet, but he is concerned. You can see why this is complicated.
I have nothing more to say on that for now. Infinitii is the unexpected third party in this, being Xenophon's "mother," but ze has not weighed in on this issue with the rest of us yet. Again, this is understandable, as ze is struggling greatly with hir own personal troubles as of late.


So that was this morning. Horrible hack, terrible pain, Chaos inexplicably jumping in on it and not feeling like himself at all, then nothing. Total black. Then dreaming, waking up feeling filthy and tired, Infinitii's voice in tears from somewhere to my left. I got out of bed and I have no idea what happened from then until church.
There was an Italian priest from the local Oblates there, he was lovely. The sunlight was coming through the stained glass at just the right angles, making the whole church feel warm and gold. The priest walked into the middle aisle to give the homily, about how "the answers to our problems are right within our own hands," about how God is always willing to take our hands and lead us on in light and forgiveness. He mentioned a scene from The Passion Of The Christ where apparently, after the betrayal in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus is walking over a bridge with his captors and he appears to trip, falling to his knees, a hand slipping over the side... but this was on purpose, for Judas was hiding under the bridge, and Jesus was offering his hand to him? I haven't seen the film, I don't know, but the sentiment of that scene as he told it was not lost. I just wanted to write that down.
We got home and there was so much anger stored in my legs I couldn't bear it; I had to go outside and run and stomp around just so I could breathe without wanting to shriek or cry. It was weird. Still the sun was coming through the trees at the most beautiful angle, just like in church, everything was all red and gold in the evening air.


The next thing I can remember, I'm standing at the kitchen sink with an apple and dissociatedly wondering whether or not I should eat it-- the action felt obligatory, and I know apples usually make us vomit-- when suddenly, I hear music from down the hallway. My brother had his iPod on, and at that exact moment, what began to play but "Blue Ocean Floor."
I stopped dead, and for a moment I was caught between tears and rage. What the heck, of all times and of all songs...!
But the message was obvious. Stop being so unloving towards yourself. If there's one person in the world I want to be 'perfect' for, well, that song was demanding that I fit the bill right then and there. So I wasn't too surprised, but still deeply unsettled, when my body decided no. It decided, "no, fuck him, fuck this, I'm shutting out that reality." I don't know why it was so difficult to put the damn apple down (well hey isn't that relevant too) and leave without passively causing myself more suffering, with those notes ringing through my ears the whole time. But I managed. Somehow I managed.
...Also, I didn't know until two minutes ago, but the first time I ever heard that song was in this entry, from shortly after our first abdominal surgery in 2013... the night before a day plagued with self-abuse and sabotage. I swear that will not occur tomorrow, but... to be blunt, the quieter abuse is so much worse than the old sort used to be. I miss the blood terribly. I'd trade this apathetic "it leaves no scars so it doesn't count" attitude for Cannon's old screaming desperation anyday. At least she felt something. At least she could hope. At least she wanted to get out, and move into something better. She had contrast. She had direction. Now... everything is painted so white, so awfully white, and my lungs are choked with it.




Oh I forgot to tell you, I think the day after our last daily update I DID see Jessica's daemon's face. He got SUPER angry with me and got all up in my grill, and his face is just as shifty as Infi's body is apparently. Those eyes ARE 2D, they multiply and move around, and he has this creepy-as-hell mouth full of teeth that just splits his face open wherever he wants it to, too. I don't know if he has horns or ears or what, but there are at least two long 'spines' of sorts on the top of his head, I think. And instead of legs he has (I think!) long ribbony appendages like his arms? They move all flowy and they are SUPER long, it's creepy to watch him walk. That's how I know, I saw him walk once, with Jessica in his arms as usual. That's weird; he's always holding her like a baby, or she's curled up in his lap like a kid. I wonder if that's part of his role for her, to be some sort of stand-in for comfort that was never given by the parents? Like it would make sense.
He is tied to chocolate and coffee, two edible substances that were "stand-ins for comfort" for many other people in the physical life, notably the mother and brother. And of course we had the coffeeshop as a child, which none of us knew but is now immortalized in the Rosewindow world, and which Jay and Laurie have both visited since. As for chocolate I do not know, possibly that was due to spiritual website claims, or further media promotion, because for us it was negative for most of the lifetime. In fact, chocolate was viewed as a "hacking substance" for several years, and it was avoided under pain of retribution. So it is honestly baffling to see the use of it spike into an addiction in recent weeks, especially since it still tends to cause great pain, fear, and discomfort in the body.
It's the caffeine spikes mostly, they are hellish. That and the sugar, whatever it does to the stomach, it hurts
Chocolate hurts like hell and no one is supposed to eat it, just like fruit. Thank God they stopped but they were doing that for weeks.
Someone is still eating raisins though.
What the heck I told then to stop that!! Those are excruciating!
I know, but it's a sugar addiction of some sort. Perhaps seeking an energy boost.
It could be. That's stored as "educational data." There tends to be an unfair bias towards "outside sources" when it comes to "food orders," as it were.
So if someone tells him he should eat fruit, then he will, even if I said no??
Basically.
...Why??
Because he believes them more than he believes himself, or us, or his own experience. He believes that everyone else knows better than him, even when they don't.
It's not really "he," either. There's a lot of girls doing this.
The "old girls," yes.
Who are they? I keep hearing that name, but...
Jessica is one. Jezebel is another. The "manic red girl" is rumored to be one. For the most part though, Spice, they are faceless and unnamed.
Why?
Because they are old. Pre-System. In the early days, where unhealthy habits and programs have their roots, headspace did not exist as it does now, and so, identities bled together. I assume. We have no data from those times, only a blur of images and feelings and fears.
...I see. Sorry.
For?
For yelling. I get upset about this. Why does it have to be so difficult. Why doesn't Emmett come out more.
Because the girls holding the addictions keep holding him back. Remember, the social environment of the kitchen isn't very safe, and so it's difficult for one of us to front sometimes. The social influence is just too great, so one suited to cope with that gets dragged out. Unfortunately the vibration typically matches.
The bad ones, huh.
Yes Spice, the bad ones. The angry ones and hyper ones and frustrated ones. The ones that make your job a 'living hell' because they refuse to stop abusing themselves, or working by programs. But they have their reasons for existing too. And we need to work with them, ultimately.
So I've heard. ...Guess that's all we can do for now, then.
I suppose so. But it is something. At least we know!
Yeah, it's good to know. I'm glad to know things. Thanks, Sherlock.
Anytime, Spice.




What even is this entry. Who is writing it, I don't know!
All I know is that their is pain in my chest (bad posture! straighten up dude!) and it is 1AM?? So we had better get to bed.

I apologize for the lack of promised updates recently; schedules are not always possible to follow when new and pressing events occur by the day.
Tomorrow we are booked for the first half of the evening though, with a family visit. Outside of that, we do not know. Perhaps we will see you then.