030514

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

"The Addict, a Magician," by Michael Lee.

 

As someone who still struggles with addiction, this slam poem rings far too fatally true. Far too true. My experiences may not have been so dramatic, but nevertheless, at least half of his words could have been taken from my own experiences, and upon realizing that, it shook me.

 

This poem has been running through my mind all day and I'm very thankful for that. I haven't really been forced to look so lucidly at this ugly facet of my condition yet, but it's apparently time.

 

"The difference between the addict and one who is drowning, is: the one who is drowning knows it."

 

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@ 03:04 am

 

For Chaos and Infi.
I love you both. I honestly love you both, more than I can ever say in words. But poetry comes close.

I'm sorry for the weird depressive haze that's been fogging up my vision for the past few months. All I can say right now, on the edge of sleep, is that I am so thankful the two of you shine so brightly in my life, because no matter how blurred or dark things get I can always, always find my way home by the grace of those lights.
And in this world of ours, things are quiet and deep and beautiful, forever.

 

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@ 05:15 pm

 

 

in a really awful way i want to cry right now.

i’m very lonely. we only get to talk to a therapist for two hours a week. its lonely when two hours eveyr week is the only talk-listen we get.

people inside dont talk much anymore lots are scared of the bad voices. abusive people keep coming back and making it tough to stay together when they keep shoving awful things between us

maybe im just one person but id like to talk? pleaes? maybe a little to somebody. or no see that shte problem talking is hard. i not good at covnersation. i can write things for the system but i cant tak sorry

and that makse smeveyr lonely/ becays eno friends. sorry

does anybody want to talk to us mahbey

its okay if you dont just wondering mabe it give me something to do and make other bad peopole leave me alone.

thank you for listen

now i hae to post they tell me i being a bad boy for asking for attantion but i going to try once.

 

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@ 05:18 pm

 

Today hasn't been shaping up so well.
trigger warning for everything

- Already a binging-purging attempt that went awry when the seaweed-girl started crying and said "I don't want to do this anymore; make her stop," etc. it feels like there are spiders and tarmac in the stomach and it is horrible. at least the destroyer threw the rest out so no repeat offenses but, that's how much more money down the drain?
- Actual self-abuse today, and a switchy meltdown in front of the mother. she said, "don't start this sh*t again or i am leaving."
- someone found razorblades that we didnt know we had. they refuse to let us hide them. but the people opposing the cutting are at least keeping things at a standstill.
- body feels filthy all the time. always too heavy or soft or outright disgusting. filthy. there is so much hatred for the claustrophobic sewage of a physical form that we are afraid, we are afraid of ther age and malice it brings out in us, how do we get rid of THAT? we were told all our life that in this carnal crude matter we were "too sinful" to EVER reach "god" or "goodness" or anything, these bones are filthy and we want to get OUT OF THEM
-


the spiritual blog just had a suden message for us

"How often haven you felt something very deeply but told yourself that you shouldn't feel it, or been afraid of dealing with it, or feared the judgments or reactions of others, and stuffed those feelings inside, never expressing them? Then they become pent up pockets of dense energy. Energy comes from somewhere, and it has to go somewhere. It never just ceases to exist. When it completes its reason for showing up, it is willing to move on. You cannot will negativity away by ignoring it if its whole purpose for showing up is to be acknowledged because it intends to bring a message. You can only get it to move on then by acknowledging it, thanking it for doing this for you, getting the message, and releasing it. Your feelings exist for a REASON. Respect yourself enough to SPEAK YOUR TRUTH. Do you know why you feel so much pain?? Negativity is presenting itself in our lives to be RELEASED!! And that is all it ever does!!"

That's why the sewer-water girl exists. To try and release that. But what are we even trying to release anymoer?
There's so much heavy pain and sadness. We wake up and anxiously pace through the day waiting to sleep again. we are so depressed.

there is a forbiddance on "loev" within the system because someone keeps,kEEPS insisting that it is "sluttiness." god forbid you do anything that could even be vaguely considered romantic. notie this tihs the housanth time we said this. over and over. not fixed. how to we let THAT go? what is the messaeg?

 

and there are so many triggers in this huose how daskdsajdh
how sorry
bad
how do we stop those dear god how HOW HOW HOW HOW
I DONTW ANT TO LIVE WITH THATALL AROUND ME.

What in the world do we even say to the therapist at this point.
"hey we stopped taking care of the body sometime in 2012, people are so strivtly forbidden from switching that the default state of mind isa dead depressive numbness, we're not allowed to care for the body because that makes us a slut, we're not allowed to accept caer from others because that makes us a whore, you notie the brain things that everything kind or caring is automatically sexual and disgusting? filthy and carnal and ugly and wrong? bumping into people in the hallway feels like molestation and that is STUPID SUPIT DSUTPI STUPID YOU'RE A FREAKING IDIOT STOP SHUT THE HECK UP.

this is not a good entry. shold i leave it here?
i dont like this. but see we keep shoving this away. go way. bad.
and then they say, "acknowledge it, thank it, let it go."
how?
how do yuo thank a bad think without effectively saying "thank you for hurting me! you can do that again anytime yuo want" NO
THAT IS NOT TRUE
it is, "thank you for allowing me to see this lesson, now GO and leave us in peace you are NOT allowed to hurt us anymoer"
or are they?
are they?
are they allowed to keep hruting us if we keep learning

 

how can i tell if we're learning
numbness makes it hard. "make it stop pelaes." people crying. sad. want to sleep or die. "make it stop please i dont awant to do this anymoer." what are we learning? that we dont want to be hurt anymoer? we know that.
how do we let go of the pain when we are convinced we deserve it
"we are filthy and wrong" we think, someone says "you are a faggot listen to me i know more than you EVER WILL disobey and DIE" and then we are unsure, should we "give our power away" they laugh "FAG YOU ARE POWERLESS YOU ARE A BLASPHEMER" and kick us in the dirst untl we get scared and listen. then after we listen there is pain and bad things and they laugh laugh laugh. "that's what you get for not obeying us without question." WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING

there is no motivation to do anything but sleep, and maybe write like this IF it wasnt so horribly painful to use the cpmputer now my arms hurt real bad

marigold keeps screaming
david is getting older and hes very bitter and angry at the mother we dont want him to turn bad its so sad
there are lots of faceless bad voices i wish they had voices maybe we could run from them then


battery dying sorry bye.
maybe talk more later well see. feeling a bit better after typing thank you bye