prismaticbleed | 082814 (Reply)

_{i am ashamed as hell to be saying anything like this here, but consider this a selfish-ass "cry for help" or something equally asinine.
i dont understand where all this sickening shame and rage and utter despair is coming from but here it is the body keeps getting so sick, i am overwhelmed with self-loathing, why the heck cant i just "forget about it" and "get over it" like my family says.
i really want to, but i hate myself utterly for even thinking that, because how do you separate the good from the bad? how do i forget about the shattering trauma without equally annihilating the system from my mind??
god i am}_{so sad}_{i want to vomit. feeling any sort of love for them feels utterly}_wrong_{according to what i've been taught. it's bullshit. the sheer amount of}_disgust_{i feel whenever i dare to admit "i enjoy my life with them in it" is enough to drive me to suicidal despair, and that is utterly stupid too. i feel like such a coward, an absolute fool
why do i think that i have to delete all my emotions, all my thoughts and feelings, everything and anything that would give me a "self" or a sense of "individuality?" why do i feel like i will only ever be 'forgiven' is by becoming a desireless puppet for some alleged higher power? something claiming a holiness that i am incapable of ever achieving? don't ever disobey, don't ever fight back, don't ever question. "good boy." it makes me utterly sick because i know they're right

i hate being this sick it is miserable as hell
i just want to sleep forever i really do not want to get up anymore. i want to be strong and i am trying but this godforsaken body keeps}_{betraying me}_{and i am sorry as hell to say that, but i cannot think of any more accurate description
i hate the flashbacks, i hate the chronic anxiety, i hate going into dissociative meltdowns whenever something feels like another abusive episode on the horizon, why the heck do i feel utterly worthless, why am i convinced that i have no right to live, that my very existence causes other people to suffer, that i am flaw and a freak and a sin against god
where the hell did all of that come from and}_{why cant i convince myself otherwise}_{i'm starting to think that i really am insane but i am too tired to care much

suicide is not an option, it cannot be an option, only because of how she reacted last time, and part of me keeps screaming}_{"why the hell does that even matter"}_{"your entire life is fake, all your hopes and dreams and joys are FAKE, you're a filthy piece of garbage and an attention whore"
why do i believe that, why in god's name do i}_{believe that,}_{is it just because it's the overwhelming majority? or is it because i am so tired of the pain, and i'm convinced that maybe if i destroy the good it will take the bad with it
maybe if i become an unfeeling empty shell, become the corporate prostitute my mother wants me to be, maybe the family will be happy. maybe i'll stop being such a huge burden on their heads. and i won't give a shit about any "abuse" in the past anymore, i won't care if it happens again, it's not trauma if you don't feel anything.}

_{what the hell am i even trying to say.
i'm sorry. this is pure brain vomit.
i am very sick, i am very tired. "keep trying," they say, "you have a reason to live!" well i am sorry but god i}_{cannot see that reason.}_{and the things i}_hoped_{were reasons are empty selfish sinful thoughts. anything that involves "me" is selfish, you notice? i wait for orders all day, "do this, do that, don't do this or you'll suffer" and i just smile and nod, smile and nod, do as they say, congratulations you're finally a good person. you're not a thorn in our side anymore. you're a comfortable, problem-free, normal and healthy human shell and we're so proud of you!!

screw this
forget all of it
i dont know what to do anymore
sorry for this.}

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@ 11:35 pm

...I just remembered one of the tiny memories we have from 2010.

We were leaving Q's house, I think, and Myssa was there. She was recovering from something with heavy medication, so she was rather soporific and thinking in a very dreamlike way.

Someone asked her "what color I was" as we turned to leave, walking out into the night. She looked towards me, as if she were looking through me, and scrunched up her face in either confusion or concentration.
And she just said, "gold."
That's all I remember.

I don't know why that just came up, but right now, it's the most hopeful thing I can imagine.