july 16 2015

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

 

today is not a good day

my mother came home and all she is doing is screaming to my grandparents (who are vehemently agreeing) about what a fcking horrible person i am, pointing out all my flaws and struggles and mistakes, guilt-tripping me into feeling like an utter fcking disgrace and failure and shame upon the family
this is normal
and she has EVERY RIGHT TO BE SAYING THAT.

is this divine retribution?
is this what i get for seeing myself as filthy and irredeemable for so many years?
is this what i get for painting myself as the villain?
it comes true?


i am very very very sad and sick of my life to the point of total numbness
another day gone to self-abuse, counting down to my next work shift in the morning
god how do i cope with this

my grandmother told me flat-out today "if you feel so unworthy of money then give me all your money instead"
i felt sick to my stomach
yeah i feel unworthy because i feel fcking filthy no matter what i do
i don't deserve to sleep, don't deserve to eat
i don't deserve comfort or ease in life
i'm a filthy fcking idiot and i deserve to SUFFER
because you have to bleed in order to be good right?
you have to bleed in order to be forgiven right?
if you do something bad you have to be punished right?

shitheads like me don't deserve money
so i sabotage all my successes because i feel blasphemous by having good things
horrible stains on existence dont deserve to have good things
maybe i should give her all my money
after i pay off my debts
god all my life i only ever spend my money on two things:
1) gifts for other people
2) food.
and when i buy food it's usually because "someone else/ the voices told me to"
and then i feel so FILTHY and GUILTY for buying it that i destroy it
therefore destroying my money
because if i'm that fcking stupid i don't deserve to eat

this negativity is a neverending spiral and it is so hard to get out of.


there goes the mother literally swearing about me
she never uses profanity so this is terrifying
she's hitting things and making a lot of noise
god i am so so so so so so so sorry i never meant for my self-torture to hurt other people but i'm so fcking blind
i forget that other people exist around me, and that my actions have consequences
i shred my existence and then i'm legitimately surprised when other people get cut on the shards all over the floor


i think the universe is trying to tell me something.
today is bad enough
then we have the trouble with laurie and tiger lily
and all the screaming floating voices all the time

but
all my evil is being pointed out
all my mistakes are being highlighted in screaming yellow
all my flaws are being lit on fire so i can't ignore them anymoer
i am a horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE person
i am a hypocrite and a thief and a liar
i am a selfish angry manipulative brat
i am stupid and whiny and foolish and unwise
i am ugly and embarrassing and inappropriate
i am a fcking SINNER just by existing i am a FLAW on this earth
i am fcking horrible, horrible, horrible

she
i don't think she understood
i
when she said "i guess we were wrong"
i've forgiven her (i dont think those are the right pronouns i'm sorry)
i forgave you i really did
i know i hurt you so so so badly.
you had every right in the book to say that.
you were right.
you were right.
you were absolutely right.

but
i dont think you realized how stupid fcking messed-up i am
where i would take it so badly
in other worse, you never meant to hurt me.
there was no malice in your words.
i was just too fcking guilty to ignore the projected gunshot to the head.

"you act like a nice person but you're ROTTEN TO THE CORE."

that's my biggest fear

and with how life is going lately,
i'm afraid it's been proven true



what do i do
god what do i do

does "god" hate me?
whatever the hell is posing as "god" in that committee of faceless screamers all around my head
does it hate me?

is "anyone up there" benevolent?
does anyone care?
am i worthy of being cared about?
or am i such a heathen
such an insolent human fool
that they'd be happy to see me dead?

i'm afraid of the wrath of "gods and goddesses"
i feel that they ALL despise me and want me dead
i am so so so scared
because i know i deserve it

god what do i do

what do i do



i can't go "back" to headspace, i'm not from there
i'm a stupid social whatever person i'm on the outside
the inside doesnt exist for me

it exists for other people but those people don't exist in the physical
and all this shit lately is so so so physical
so depressed suicidal people like me are out
filthy ugly sinful disgraceful people like me are out


god i dont know what to do.

i need to stop with this "fake friend" bullshit on tumblr
people i never ever talk to but who i am "kissing up to" because i "have to" i dont' even KNOW them
that's why we "lost" all our dA friends they were never "friends" because WE weren't a friend
we were a maniupalative mask-wearing sonofabitch with a painted on smile
we were shit
we still are shit

the family hates me
i know. every day they get angrier
i dont want to be a freak
i dont want to be a burden
but it is so hard to stop, i AM TRYING, i swear i am trying so hard,
they hate me
my brothers avoid me they go out of their way to avoid me
the mother and her boyfriends are always saying how they cant stand me
it hurts to hear them talk, it's just scathing diatribe
the grandparents are two-faced, they say they care but some of the things they say are just
"we mean well" but what youre saying is so toxic and they just cant tell

god i am sick to my stomach
another day full of nothing but vomiting and self-torture
i still need to exercise but i cant even leave this room because THEYRE out thre

god i want to cry
what is this "god" i'm praying to i dont even know anymore

i want to cry
i dont want to wake up
i have work in the mornig
i always have work in the mornng'
how do i live the restof the day with a job i dont know
its too much total switching its this damn HOUSE
i dont want to go home
i dont want to go on the fcking road
i dont want to do this fcking bullshit shpping stop telling me i HAVE TO I DONT
i am so fcking tired


no therapy for two weeks
god give me strength
got a couple suicide chatrooms and hotlines bookmarked
we never use them they're shit
we tried they are no help at all
but its the thought that counts

headspace helps
needs a new name, less "controlling" sounding
the spectrum
all our people inside
they help. always.
always always always
how ironic they are the ONLY good thing in my life
the physical life, mind
(leagueworlds dont touch the daily life they are separate from this shit)
how terrible that i always think they're "bad"
and try to kil them
to be "normal"
but normal is SHIT
IT'S SHIT OKAY
WE'VE BEEN TRYING AND LOOK AT US NOW
THIS IS SHIT AND I WANT TO DIE.


life is falling apart
the universe keeps showing me just how fcked up i am
without pointing to any soolutions
besides total self-annihilation.
and i guess that's it then
the only option
to annihilate myself
ONLY me, mind
and the other ones like me
there are better people in the spectrum im sure
but the suicidal shitheads likeme
the filthy ones
we need to die
and i'm not scared of dying if igt means someone nice will take over
but dying is hard
and i'm so sad
and i'm so tired


i want to throw up
what is life
what am i doing
what is our purpose
why are we alive
what the hell are we supposed to do
do we have any reason to live
do we have any right to live
is our life just a chain on everyone elsee's feet
are we just a problem to be solved