010323

Jan. 3rd, 2023 11:26 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

slept in until 1230.
was up until 5am last night. trying to go through spotify and write little things about songs, trying to tap into something meaningful in memory.
still felt hollow. empty. stupid. superficial.
didn't feel tired or even hungry. made me very upset. hate feeling "comfortable" honestly. body terror is different. that doesn't count as suffering it's torture. totally different thing.
stood up around 5am and THEN the fatigue and bodycold hit, haha. room spinning. tiredness slammed into the brain all at once. collapsed in bed.

didn't want to eat breakfast. so tired of food. starting to freak out over weight gain to the point where i want to start starving the body.
weight fell a bit though. 119.8. hope it keeps going down. finally below 18.5 bmi again thank god. still so so so fat though

people aren't showing up to talk much during breakfast prep anymore. or if they are, i can't see or feel or hear them. i'm just so stressed out and scraped out. i do get glimpses, but nothing sticks. it's like my brain is floating in water and can't stay above the surface. keep drowning in this melancholy garbage mindset.
xenophon still ghosts and keeps me on track though. and laurie is always there. thank God.

honestly we didn't eat until 2pm. just too utterly exhausted and tired.
mimic and laurie pushed me to do some weightlifting first though. that did help. gives me hope for fixing this junkheap of a body

reading the psalms over breakfast. relating too much to psalm 6. talking with mimic over psalm 7.
at some point we were referred to isaiah 54? specifically verses 7-10.
spent a while reading as many translations of them as possible. hoping with everything i was that its "promise" applied to me, too.

very dissociated while eating, kept forgetting and spilling things. xennie very worried.

therapy was pushed to 4pm. left at 330.
light rain, everything silvery. river was COVERED IN FOG so it looked like driving over a river of cloud. gorgeous. called chaos 0 over to look of course
went to library briefly. returned 5 dvds and took 5 more out (that's the limit), from the top shelf. going in order so we don't get overwhelmed. also shamelessly used "we" pronouns with the "social talk" with the librarians at checkout. hey if i'm going to be automated into banter i can at least stop compromising our integrity in the process.

therapy very frustrating. worried about our future with this therapist.
"i'm not the professional you are" "i'm only a guide you lead the session" "i don't like to call it 'treatment' i don't even like to give diagnoses" etc. too casual, very worried.
we ended up talking "around" the body trouble and gender issues? also lots of datadumping about our mother's "never take no for an answer" attitude and tendency to take every attempted refusal as a personal attack, to be met with punishment and/or cruel blackmail/ backlash behavior. so exhausted. cannot put up boundaries with her or she takes it as a challenge and gets out the battering ram.
super dissociated the whole time. honest at two points: one, she asked us why the body shape changing was so distressing and i just flatly said "because now i see a rapist when i look in the mirror" without even thinking, well geez that's one heck of a telling reply
second, at some point she was asking "what do you want the body to look like? what would you want your life to look like?" something like that. but i remember responding to an assumption with "no, my life inside is... perfect," and nearly sobbing. just in that moment feeling so much love for the system and our life together. missing them so much i could die.
seeing xenophon briefly ghosting in the room at one point, when i was striving to be conscious. god bless her.

therapist gave us homework
"write a life for someone else, from beginning to end, the way you think a perfect life would be." basically "what we would want for ourself" but not applying at such to prevent self-sabotage? really really disturbed by the concept of "inventing a life" though. still it will say a lot about our mindset to see where our thought processes go.
second, "every time you say something negative about yourself, say five nice things about yourself, even if you don't believe them." like if you say "i'm a selfish bastard," say "no, i'm kind! i'm honest! i'm brave! i'm intelligent! i'm thoughtful!" but our brain screams THAT'S ALL GARBAGE we hate affirmations they feel too fake and simpering. "oh look at me i'm so great i'm wonderful no flaws haha" SHUT UP
godly sorrow godly sorrow mourning self-hatred self-mortification why don't we do that anymore WHERE ARE THE BLADES
sorry unhinging
third homework. dont look at the body in the mirror. sorry ma'am the problem is FEELING IT. the mirror is always a stranger. the worst part is being trapped inside a flesh shell that does not belong to us. except apparently it does. and christian dogma says "you're gonna live in that exact body FOREVER" do you have any idea how EXISTENTIALLY HORRIFYING THAT IS
god what do i do i am so scared
therapist says "i don't get that feeling because i believe in reincarnation. and this body i have now is just temporary. it will change in my next life. so i don't have to freak out about this one." yes well that's nice but we don't have that luxury of thought. we're told that this is ALL WE GET and besides you can't just shut off gender dysphoria. how the heck do we explain that to her now??? will she just say "oh you were probably just a man in a past life" like those snakeoil holistic pseudogurus did???? so sick of this nonsense.
also SO SO SICK OF THE BINARY. we keep shoving ourselves into it in both directions but in BOTH directions we're STILL TERRIFIED & MISERABLE. WE'RE NOT A WOMAN AND WE'RE NOT A MAN EITHER. 
god what do we do what do we even do anymore

thinking about that "write a life" thing though
disturbed because childhood is so bizarre. like we don't want to be born. want no ties to a mother figure. want to be like a frickin lab baby. grown in a tube like a mewtwo. no sex at all. no human bits. just manufactured in a lab from different cells entirely. and how would we be raised? not with toys or cameras or babytalk. not with stupidass "playdates" or forced preschool socialization. why is that our ideal are we that antisocial
keep thinking of videogames and single dads. adopted kids from bizarre circumstances. that's what we want. rough around the edges life, hard work and being strong, but never cold or hard. love so warm and powerful it has no curves to it at all.
growing up how. what is gender. absolutely NOT A GIRL. never ever ever ever. maybe biologically a boy but go through some sort of vocational process to become nothing. neutered literally. detach from that entire binary garbage.
and yet. want to grow up to be a man. still do, even now.
no dating. none of that. not even thinking of friends at first. not sure how to make them. that's another thing we hate about kids movies that stupid stereotype of the "cool kids" at school, or the "group hanging out" that the main character awkwardly tries to approach, gets rejected and laughed at, THEN later the protag does "something cool" and those SAME EXACT PEOPLE SUDDENLY decide "oh yeah let's hang out lol" WHAT THE HECK IS THAT. NO THAT'S NOT FRIENDSHIP THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS
or is it?? is it?? how the heck would we even know 
so so so angry.
sorry. so cynical lately. so tired of life.
the "ideal life" we'd have would honestly just be... headspace now
just who we are right now inside
god thank you for us, this is really all i want, ever, forever
please god i beg of you don't kill them
if i die please don't destroy them
if there is a heaven please let them come with me if that's possible please
i don't have any answers but i'm so so so afraid that
that the things i was taught as a child are true
god i keep fearing you are cold and harsh and condemning and angry
like an abusive relationship like my mother when she's mad like the people on tv
no
no no no
you can't be. you are love. you are forgiveness and mercy and truth and righteousness and justice and faithfulness.
but see that's the heartwrenching problem
the only way i can EVER imagine what that kind of love even looks like
is because of headspace


i keep running to laurie and hugging her when i'm upset lately
she asked me "why don't you run to chaos he loves you too" i said "yeah but what i need is from you only"
she's the protector, she's safe and powerful. they have different vibes. need them at different times. when i'm this unstable and broken up i need her, i can't go to chaos like this.
still love him though always deep down. even if i can't feel it through the hell of this mindset and body.

therapist had lindor chocolates in the waiting room. the "thief candies." still took a few because they were white chocolate & peppermint. huge trauma trigger food but still. stuck em in the freezer. took one red one too, plain milk chocolate, for julie.
our brain saying "challenge food" like in upmc but that's self-abusive junk. also thinking "luxury whore food you should be ashamed of yourself" etc. but we keep wanting to 1. do reparation for all the misuse in the past and 2. some sort of stupid hope in remembering that poem inkfletcher wrote about us in 2012. can't forget that. no one had ever written about us before. even a stranger like them, saw something good in us. the only person who did, during that time period. even if they changed their mind later too we never heard of it if so. therefore we have this stupid fragile little memory of one person who maybe didn't hate us when we left.

dark outside on drive home. scared to be outside in dark. too many threats, too much danger, feels like looming horror. feels like bad parts of brain. don't remember the drive home at all.
neighbor stopped us when we were about to go inside and just talked about his school memories and sister's wedding for almost an hour. made us sad to realize that like mom, when we tried to make a comment to "participate" he impatiently brushed it off and quickly talked over us again. like "don't interrupt me i'm not looking for dialogue" unconsciously. but he's a nice guy. he just wants to talk at people i think. probably lonely and holds too much inside. so we listened for a while, but had to go in when we realized it was almost 6. only did so because another neighbor came out and angrily mouthed "go! go!" when we turned to her. like wtf lady, why are people so mean like that? he needed someone to talk to. yeah we needed to leave but why be so rude about it? why are people so judgmental?
look who's talking you mysogynistic misanthropic faggot heretic delusional idiot

immediately got on bike and watched coco (lynne's pick)
oh man i WEPT. seriously no spoilers but this movie will PUNCH you in the heart, it was really really moving.
still so sad at the family treatment of the kid. that "you know we love you right" like in luca, but when doing something blatantly ignorant of the kid's emotions and perspective and opinions and dreams. like "no i'm the parent i'm always right you shut up and do what i say no buts no questions" etc. why are tv parents like that. why were my birthparents like that too. god don't ever let me be like that to xenophon please please
yet again. "missing father figure" movie (for the most part). is this common??? either that or the "bumbling dad." either he's gone, or he's a goof. sometimes even both. that's tragic, honestly. same with the catty, mean women. blatantly overfeminine. and if they're "boyish" they're "tough girls" with mean streaks or "dark sides" or manic energy or something similar. what the heck, is this what people are like?? or is this just invented for tv? god i hope so. it hurts if that's what people act like actually.
but. to their credit. by the end they all softened in heart and were kind and forgiving. took some time, lots of rough patches, some bits that hurt to see and hear, but a happy ending. very very grateful for that. that's why i love kids movies they always have sweet endings
and a loving father figure!! like i said we are trying to get a wider grasp of what "gender" is in the world, we never had a father or mother figure, not in any honesty, so we're still learning HOW to be one. taking the good lessons wherever we can find them.
no idea what we'll watch tomorrow. gonna decide when we get there.

dinner at 8pm. actually had yogurt tonight because we haven't in several days and there's 17g protein in one serving yo, that helps.
xenophon told me very authoritatively that i "could have one more fortune cookie" because i was about 20k under 1500k so it was allowed. gosh i love her she's too cute. didn't keep the fortune but it said "a bargain is only a bargain if you can use the product." brain weirdly took this in a spiritual sense, with "deals with the devil." can try to cut you a deal but in the end you're still being taken for a fool. you're still paying. you're still losing something. the gain isn't really a gain, it's just a ploy to make money off you. just a scheme to drain your soul. hard to put into words but it felt like a big warning. like don't waste your time and energy on cheap trash just because it's a "low price." still a price moron

trying to go through music again tonight. just depressing us actually.
tons of trauma-tied music in the system playlist. want to clean it out.
disturbed at how difficult it is to write about the music. like why do we like it, what does it sound like, etc. used to be so good with words. now i just feel broken up and fuzzy-brained and lost.
i know why. i didn't say a rosary today. i "didn't want to." tired of all the repetitive prayers. now i regret it so much. the point is meditating on the mysteries, the repetition is just a "background hum" that occupies that part of your brain so you can spend a solid block of time thinking about something else? is that how it works? but i didn't do it. almost got angry. i think its remembering the rosary punishment too much. like i hear in my head "you have to say a rosary!! right now!! or else!!" but the concept "rosary" is tied to both 1. kneeling on rice because i was a bad child and 2. femininity. i'm sorry mary i'm just legit so disturbed by womanhood especially how so many people portray you. need to remember how she looks in orthodox art, she's safe there. god i'm so sorry why is my brain so bloody broken why is it so hard to pray without it feeling so hollow and fake
i cannot listen to rosaries on the radio or youtube either, everyone talks in scary robotic chanty voices, it's so bad with female voices it scares me so bad. singing is terrifying. no singing please.
i want to pray but there's so much infecting it. god please help me take the time to pray without being terrified

depressed again. wow we're low lately. has not been this bad in a long long long time

going to sleep. 2am. tomorrow we have to do laundry we have no clean clothes left. so exhausted giving up. can't..
keep trying

010123

Jan. 1st, 2023 11:40 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

happy new year (we hope)

sunday so 5 hours of church

refused to pack breakfast. wanted to do fasting
not smart haha. hate this stupid body. got dizzy and weak. pushed past it though
forgot our glucose meter at home that made it worse
figured "what the heck" if we pass out we pass out, just stopped caring

got home, didn't eat until 230pm though
unfortunately we crashed? there are no phone records for anything after this
i think someone just threw up breakfast and cried
no bingeing. just gave up. wanted to be empty.

no memory of anything else until like 6pm.
watched "rumble" while biking
loved the concept. also meant a lot for the main character (monster dude!!) to be out of shape and look like us (hate hate hate this body) but still be successful and loved.
we hate this new body. we've been thin all our life but now we're so fat?? we've NEVER been this big or heavy and it is TERRIFYING and we want to die.
you idiot "look at me i'm a good patient" what a dunce. it did us no good. no good at all.
if i could go back
but no
no
i keep telling myself,
"what if gaining 30 pounds was the ONLY WAY you could be with your daughter again?"
because i didn't see her after NC until that dream during inpatient
so
what if that's the catch?
what if i HAVE to sacrifice feeling safe in the body? not recognizing the reflection? feeling like a whore? nonstop flashbacks? dream hacks starting again? constant nausea and pain and discomfort? etc.
what if all of this literal hell is the price i MUST pay in order to be a father
...
i would do it
isn't that insane
if it's for her i will suffer as much as it takes

but
"you're not allowed to be a father" shut up
i hate this gender dysphoria
the ONLY time i am a good person is when i am NOT A BLOODY FEMALE
being one of those would only make me a selfish whore
that's been proven time and time and time again
leave me alone

it's the only way i'm getting through the day
"this is penance this is retribution" "you're in hell now so you won't go to hell later"
and then "really?? queers like you will burn in hell anyway"
i'm so tired
god i want to be thin and safe and real again
i hate being so fat and ugly and sick
i've just given up on life
but if this is what it took for me to be with my daughter every day now...

there's that voice again
mocking me and spitting at me in sheer acidic hatred for that sentence
leave me alone


i don't think we ate dinner. i just thought "the heck with it"
drank some salt and potassium and went to bed
body trembling and so nauseous. didn't care. just wanted to sleep and forget everything


hate how our grandmother always used to say "the first day of the year is how your whole year will be!!"
screw that no it won't
we always have bad days on january 1st it seems. too much stress. we just collapse
why are we such shameful weaklings though
why are we so emotionally brittle and psychologically screwed up
why can't we function anymore

god is this punishment for being trans
is this punishment for wanting to start hormones
i think it is
"you're not praying enough" "you HAVE to be a GIRL" "i will make your life a living hell until you pray more and stop being so queer" etc
exhausted and existentially numb
want to just give up and die
can't though because of the system

gonna try again tomorrow


112722

Dec. 27th, 2022 11:36 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

a quick update for the sake of updating.
it seems that whenever i slack off the daily updates, even for like three days, my mood and mental state absolutely hit the deck.

therapy was today. she actually wants us to come in tomorrow morning too, at 11am. so i'm taking advantage of that and staying up a little later and then sleeping in. i have not been sleeping well at all lately. we've been averaging 4-6 hours, tops.
today... she wanted to know what our "top 5 most triggered trauma memories were" and we ended up going on a tangent, explaining that we had a massive memory break post-NC, in that the INSTANT we got into the family car, to go home after almost sixteen months of hell masquerading as paradise, our state of mind COMPLETELY SHIFTED. that fast. barely five minutes out of tbas's driveway, we were struggling to remember what they even looked like. it was a hard shift. but what was even worse was that, when we did get home, we didn't remember anything about THAT, either.
so. our childhood, up until approximately age 11 (jewel's debut), is 99.9% gone from memory. we have virtually no first-person childhood memories; most everything we "know" is from mom showing us family movies.
still. what we do remember from our own eyes is traumatic. it's ironic and tragic; even today, our memory only seems to "kick in" when something scary is happening. (i wonder if that ties into the self-abusive efforts when we're feeling super empty? is our brain trying to jumpstart some sense of existence in time through bloodshed and terror? probably)
there are a handful of traumatic events in childhood we regularly get flashbacks of: the time(s) we had to kneel on rice and say the rosary, the time they tried to lock us in the coal cellar, the time grandma locked us out of our bedroom and we slept on the hall carpet, the time they threw us out of the house and locked the doors and we legit thought we were disowned, the time our grandmother faked her own death over dinner and we ran into the bathroom and screamed. a few smaller events, like hiding "the stick" and hiding ourself behind the piano and grandma laughing maniacally during thunderstorms saying "we're all going to die" etc. all shook us greatly but the emotions are so detached from the events?? it's bizarre. and i know there's a lot missing. like whatever happened in the dressing rooms at the ymca. and at the county fairs. things at school i'm sure. lots of shredded, fragmented memories.
but. we didn't discuss those. she wanted to know what was the most frequent one now.
and... there are some that always come up.
the livingroom rape. the porch hell. the bed.
yes, there are others. halloween. the birthday. the power outage. the renfaire. the band rehearsals. and so much with that bloody kitchen. and of course slc, with the car crash, and the bedroom, and the highway, and the shower, and the livingroom too.
but... those first three from nc keep plaguing us. we're in a state of near-constant hypervigilant horror five bloody years later.
so we told her that. and we talked a bit about... what? i forget. i think symptoms. oh! no, it was about the memory gaps, and the personality shifts-- notably how we were a different person in EVERY NEW ENVIRONMENT. mentioning how the day we left our old house to fly out to NC, we were watching ourself move and speak like it was a horror film. we still don't know who the heck was fronting back then. who always got brainwashed by these western kids telling us "your family is abusive and they are going to kill you BUT I CAN SAVE YOU" etc etc etc. always someone trying to "fix us" because we were "broken" in some way or another. that's exactly why and how the julie days started.

anyway. afterwards we stayed in the commonroom for a halfhour because she gave us two assessments to complete? short but important. a beck depression inventory, and a dissociative one, the des-ii.
well, we were honest, but we were kind of pessimistic-- "just watch," i thought, "we won't have any symptoms at all, we're just fakes and liars, we won't be able to continue therapy," etc.
...
our beck score was 51.
our des score was frickin' 87.

...I never realized just how unhealthy our daily life is, in light of those questionnaires.
i remember talking over the questions with people. laurie, lynne, julie, scalpel, chaos 0, infi, the whole regular gang. being as honest as i could, making sure they all agreed. still shocked to see the "3" next to so many of my daily, even hourly, thoughts. shocked to have to put "100" for so many experiences that are my consistent "normal".
so. no idea what she will say about this, but that's what tomorrow is about.

got home for... 11 i think? body was actually painfully hungry.
breakfast prep took a while. listening to AliลŸan on loop the whole time, forgot how much i love turkish pop.
today was the feast day for saint john the evangelist! so we read 1 john 1 over breakfast.
i'll have to take notes on that later; my brain's too fuzzy right now... but we were comparing footnotes between the NET & TPT and there were some truly beautiful comments & expounded notes. it's also very convicting, but with deep love-- it tells you straight that love is the most important thing, that love is divine and that Christians must be defined by it. emphasizing the divine nature of Jesus in light of that love. emphasizing fellowship with God, which was translated in one version as "intimacy" with Him. lots to meditate on and pray about.
as usual, mimic and i were discussing this the most, sometimes just with each other really. mimic always pushing me to check the etymology, look up some explanations for this phrase, etc. never taking anything at face value. it's honestly moved me to be less "casual" about my studies, too, which I am prone to do when tired or overstimulated. but with him instigating the extra work, it's not tiring at all. now it's a friend I'm answering to and explaining for, and that makes the entire effort a joy, really.

i haven't mentioned online yet, i don't think, but mimic has absolutely decided to move into the league. there are at least three options open. he's too separate from his canon-self now, and has become so strongly anchored in the innerworld, that he has literally become a "different person" with only the deepest roots hearkening back to his native self. he's been blooming into a new life here, and thank God for that, it's all i wanted for him and i don't know if he will get that in canon-- certainly not to the focused extent he can and has gotten here.
but yeah. he's ours now, in a very real way. i don't think any outspacer moved in this fast or completely. he gets all the awards, haha. i do know that galadia & phlegmoni have been inspired by him though, and are now trying to be more involved in our community as well, so we'll see how that helps them grow further. admittedly phleg does have significant anchorage and he is absolutely not his canonself anymore; he had barely anything there to begin with and with all the hospital admissions around the time i met him, a real bond developed very quickly. as for gal, she's so new, and pokemon are always so free-fluid in terms of "background," they take special time and investment to anchor. but they're also the easiest, arguably, because they're meant to grow so freely within the lives of their partners.
i want to bring gleam into this. celebi is getting more involved, like she was in the early 2000s. i know ventrium can come back, i can feel his soul, just a tiny flicker but it's there. and i'm determined to see him again, so that's helping. intention is powerful in headspace, as is focus-- for good or ill.

but i can't talk about that more right now. i'm so tired. yes i do love everyone but... i'm still struggling with the suicidal ideation of yesterday.

i can't remember what we did after breakfast. time gaps. i know we got slammed by depression again.
oh geez yeah now i remember. mom gave us a bunch of dvds to watch, and she wanted to take us & the sibs to see avatar today, but... honestly we hate pop culture and movies. i can't pretend we don't. the very thought of "having to watch" these movies and thus infect our brain with them was making me so depressed i wanted to just lie down on the floor. i remember standing and staring out the window for several minutes, blankly, unable to move.
we went on a few christian movie-review websites, including one called "for the kids" or something that was disturbing because yeah, it told you what was not "kid-friendly" in a movie, like violence & language & sexuality, but it gave EXPLICIT DETAILS. so here we are, looking up the movies mom gave us, and we wanted to throw up. instead we threw all the movies back in a bag and refused to even look at them.
dear God. how can people even THINK like that. WHO puts horrible stuff like that in a movie and thinks its OKAY. i don't understand.
i got up and tried to distract myself by doing busywork in the kitchen. prepping breakfast for tomorrow already. updating the restock-date postits. washing the dishes because i forgot with how disheveled i was mentally (and that's notable-- usually headspace scolds me for doing too much cleaning).
well mom called at 330 when we were in the kitchen-- and she said that our siblings, as usual, stayed up till 5 and had just woken up, and their personal care rituals are so extensive there was no way they could do that and eat and get ready for a movie today. so it was postponed. honestly i was glad-- i was crushingly tired and couldn't handle a movie right now, let alone all the insane stress of mom picking us up and blasting music and chatting with everyone at once and being forced into blackout social mode for several hours straight. no thank you.

so we got on the bike.
it took a bit. we were so tired i could barely put on our exercise clothes. tired and cold and depressed. wanted to go back to bed. but knew that would just exacerbate this.
so we started slow. said the divine mercy chaplet. read a little bit more religious tabs. then decided since it was tuesday we'd say our favorite sorrowful mysteries, because we sure were feeling sorrowful too.
had a great idea though. opened spotify. made playlists for the "rainbow rosary project" we started planning a year ago or so. different mysteries and a color for each day of the week, meaning four sets of mysteries we personally were putting together for personal devotion. all in chronological order. taking the entire history of salvation into account. but yeah we decided that since we can NEVER listen to youtube or podcast or radio recitations of the rosary because they go super slow (which promotes dissociation), often play really creepy new-agey music (trauma trigger) AND often have "trancelike" vocals by WOMEN with whispery voices which is TERRIFYING. so we cannot do it. we can't.
so we put our new idea into practice today. test run. said the rosary while looking at our saved pictures of each mystery, listening to alfonso peduto on loop. time flew by. didn't "suck us in" to the events like adoration-hour rosaries do (we forgot about adoration today; totally lost track of time and our body was so distracted & sick it didn't even cross our mind. I'm sorry Jesus) but slammed us emotionally nevertheless. so, a success. now we just need to build musical playlists in our spare time. it's a devotional effort. we always say how fervently we want to "personalize our religious practice" so it HONESTLY involves our ENTIRE soul and this is a huge step towards that.

biked for two hours and ten minutes. felt awesome. at least until our body realized it needed food, haha. started to get nauseous and dizzy.
xenophon was scolding me about adding too much salt & drinking too much tea but i told her sweetheart, i probably sweated out all my electrolytes, this will help. and it did, thank God. we never want to accidentally trigger bulimia-grade body sickness again; that was literal hell and that becomes ever clearer the further we get from it.
normal dinner, except we swapped the english muffin for a slice of the whole wheat bread we had frozen. trying to use some of that up, and it's less calories so it fits different meal schedule edits which is nice as an option.
got a new fortune too. very very relevant to today-- both the bible study and all the cbt talk in therapy & inpatient.
"all personal breakthroughs begin with a change in beliefs."
thinking of how important that is.

body crashed hard after dinner. 1030 i wanted to go straight to bed. said no, can't, need to have some integrity of reliability and update for once. even just a bit. so here i am.
it's 1230 now. at this rate we will be asleep for 1, and awake at 10, so 9 hours. good. much better than four good heavens
we're having fun setting alarm songs. today was the live version of "hyperventilate" by FROST* which opens with Jem shouting "WHAT-HO" before the keyboard kicks in and we always laugh at the sheer energy of it all. God i want to see them live in concert so badly but i'd have to get a passport first, haha. still a man can dream. tomorrow's alarm is "cutie cutie" by fusq. it opens up with such happy bouncy sounds; we need that little boost of optimism before therapy.

tomorrow is going to be tricky, again.
i spent almost two hours today trying to draft a solid mealplan for "travel schedule days" which are currently four days a week but sunday is a wildcard. but the other three i have to be up at 7, leave the house by 730, get home around 11am. have to immediately eat breakfast because i have to eat lunch by 430 as i have to leave again at 530pm, and won't get home until 830. so then i have to schedule in a small snack for the instant i walk in the door to make sure our body doesn't crash during the night what with all the fasting we'd otherwise be doing.
but yeah. i got it figured out, thanks be to God. now we just have to fine-tune sunday-- we have the "church breakfast" down solid but the evenings are unplanned? typically because mom likes to do things on sundays (can't we just have a day of rest please) and besides we're at church from 8am until 12pm, 1pm if we're lucky. so we don't get to eat lunch until 2pm, which pushes dinner to 630 or 7? HOWEVER eating that early and then typically waiting until 11 the next day for breakfast means ~16 hours fasting. which our body doesn't always like. oh we love to fast, absolutely, but when the brain fog and shakes and confusion and low glucose hit, we need to eat whether we like it or not. so... i'm wondering about sunday schedules. maybe doing a 10-2-6 plan and a 9pm tiny snack. because we cannot eat early in the mornings, nothing before 945 (which is forced on sunday to fit between masses & still have an hour of mandatory Eucharistic fasting) and usually not until 11 or noon. we need that morning time pure and untouched so we can think and dream and pray. but we'll figure it out. i'll pray about it. gotta get into that habit. learning a lot from protestants, actually. they have wonderful prayer habits. so do old church ladies in general, haha. but my personal experience with catholic prayer has been too recitatory and repetitive. i'm really starting to like the spontaneous, no-wrong-time-to-pray attitude of our protestant brothers & sisters. it brings all of life into God, which I need. which we need. that's the whole point. i want our life to be a prayer. so we've gotta pray about our life.
lastly. why i brought up this topic.
tomorrow we have our 11am therapy but then the church we have bible study at on thursday invited us to wednesday night mass?? i didn't know they had one. but they say the seven sorrows rosary before it and she means so much to me, and especially laurie. so we're gonna go. only thing is, it starts at 630 i think? and assumedly will go until 745. so, we have to do a weird mealplan because we aren't going to get to eat breakfast until almost noon and have to shove another meal in before church. but we figured it out. only problem is, since it requires superfast prep, tomorrow needs to be a no-egg day. it's going to be daring; it's a "break in ritual" and predictable structure which can set off our anxiety. but xennie said we'll be daring, it'll make the egg days even more special, besides it's not forever. we'll try it and see how it works! God bless her she's such a ray of sunshine in my life. i love her so much.

...i really do love the system. all of them, everyone. all of us.
today after that mess with the movies i remember how i got back on track. and what i did. why i was just doing busywork in the kitchen.
i was talking to laurie.
we were just discussing how i felt, really. some general conversation about daily life. but it was just me and her for like an hour. and it lifted me out of hell.
i had hope, talking to her. i had love. i was alive.
listen, the next time someone, anyone, says that "being multiple is a sin" you tell them to hit the road. they don't know what they're talking about. if they could feel love they would know. they would know this is from God.
(btw at one point i was slipping really bad and i forget what happened but laurie picked me up off the floor by grabbing my hair and suddenly i felt this rush of affection for her? tied to the pain. she caught this, said bitterly is that all it takes to get me back in my own head? why is it always the pain? i said because it shows that she cares enough to hurt me when it helps, that her love is real and doesn't flinch at pain, and she cares enough to get that close and personal. then i asked her to clock me one. and she did, haha. straight up punch to the jaw like she used to. i was so unstable i reacted the old-school way too; the "crazy love eyes", bloody nose, cartoon stars around my head. deliriously high for a second. blunt impact pain in headspace tends to translate as that. but it shocked me out of depression. how weird is that. not surprising when it's me haha
but... i guess the point is i am still capable of feeling things. just need a little shove in the right direction, so to speak.

last few notes.
haven't updated about the "christmas triad" yet. suffice to say it was... strange.
sang 5 masses. mom gave up on christmas. actually drew my beloved for the 23rd. xenophon my only present under the tree. ice circles on the river. nearly fainting during midnight mass. terrible food disturbances with family. oversocialization and time gaps and hanging on to God for dear life because i had nothing else and wanted nothing else. chaos 0 grabbing my shoulders and shouting what do you think you're doing in tears. etc.
i'll have entries written soon. if i can't start them tomorrow, then hopefully thursday. unless we have choir practice for the solemnity of mary, haha. we'll see. i can't "take a night off" because then i'm no longer reliable; i've lived so long as a "no-show" that it's honestly marring my ability and willingness to show up; i'm just so unbelievably tired that i want to cancel all the plans on the calendar and just rest. but... i still need to practice the virtues of dependability and loyalty. and tenacity despite difficulty. singing means a lot to me, so why not sacrifice for it? why not put in the extra effort especially when it's a struggle? i want to grow in integrity and strength. i'm so tired of being effeminate and weak and cowardly. no. gotta man up and be strong. gotta be a good father to my daughter. gotta set a good example. God give me strength, I need it, and only You can give it.
"don't go bashing women in the process" good point. too much internalized misogyny, too much fear projecting outwards as mockery. i'm genuinely sorry. it's not fair, it's not kind, and it's not right.

on that note. gender has been a helltopic lately. can't deny that i'm not straight or cis. but can't deny that i feel obligated to be because of my religion. wanting to sob and scream and die whenever i see articles by tradcaths online. "only one way to be a woman" etc etc don't use that word on me. DON'T. so much fear and hatred and rage and agony. i don't want this. i don't like this. it's standing directly in the way of my being a good christian. "love one another." but love cannot coexist with terror.
i guess that's why we're in therapy

speaking of
it's 12:52. time to log off and get some sleep
see you tomorrow i hope

prismaticbleed: (angel)
 "God began a good work in you. And He will continue this work in you until the day Jesus Christ returns. I am sure of this."
...Me? You are working in me?? You are using me, this wretched weak thing, to do Your good works? 
Every time I read something like that, I cannot comprehend it. I hope for it desperately, but... I'm afraid to believe it. And yet there it is, in Scripture. 
"Nothing in my life is wasted." What if my entire life is a waste? But even that cannot hinder Your creative, restorative, miraculous Power-- the Power You wield in unfathomable Love. Even my life, a total failure in the eyes of all but You, CAN become redeemed in Your Hands. Yes it sounds impossible, but You Are God. You delight in proving Your opposition wrong. You glorify Yourself most strikingly when it is obvious that ONLY You COULD have done such a thing.
When there is no hope, there is still You. 

122522

Dec. 25th, 2022 01:04 am
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

merry christmas

sang midnight mass. felt like i was going to die from how sick the body was. still did it.
got home for 130
sleep at 230

awake at 7am for more masses
830 & 1030 at our church, really lovely

went to noon at the oblates
...the guitar guy was up front playing.
we froze. he was the one who we first saw at the mass we went to on easter, instead of staying home with grandma.
legit almost left the church. "triggered" what a stupidass word but we felt it, like a freight train slamming into our lungs
very bravely sang along with him. no one else really did. maybe we weren't supposed to. don't care
it was a huge effort of forgiveness. needed to.

at the end of mass two little kids came up (like TINY kids, how old is that??? two??) with a LITTLE BIRTHDAY CAKE for the baby Jesus and of course father had the whole church sing "happy birthday" to Jesus. he's such a sweetheart he's this old italian grandpa dude and everyone loves him. but geez those little kids and the cake, what a pure gesture of love, it meant so much to see.

got home for like... 2pm i think
didn't eat lunch until 4PM GEEZ thank God we packed a tiny breakfast for church
still. starving and no sleep. body so sick and weak and tired.


mom wanted us up the house for the evening
god we wanted to cry
we are so sick of that house we don't want to go

phone photo shows we apparently packed our own food but she still had us eat half of hers
i don't remember anything all i remember is we got sick and threw up again and wanted to die
got home for like 9pm as usual and just... collapsed

morning was beautiful, evening was hell
so so so tired of spending time with family just want to cut them off and be quiet we're so overwhelmed
but that's so rude and mean
where do we draw the line what do we do, every time we go up that house we BURN OUT

don't even think we did much with headspace today
i am so sorry

still.
at the end of it all i was able to go to sleep physically alone and with everyone upstairs
quiet and safe and solitude
and that means so much.

it snowed too
that's always a promise of hope

no matter how hellish my personal life may be
christmas is still undefeatable joy
and the assurance of salvation
thank god for that
thank god

jesus is born and no matter how much evil wages war against him
it has already lost
honestly man rejoice
this depressing stress-hell is not forever
but that little child in the manger is

it's going to be okay.

122222

Dec. 22nd, 2022 08:17 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)
 
Yes I barely got six hours of sleep again BUT I made a promise and I MADE IT TO BIBLE STUDY!
Even so, when I woke up at 7 the body was still painfully hungry? I'm so baffled by that. We're so bloated and nauseous, but we feel hungry. Gotta tell a doc about that.
Anyway, we had to fast whether our body liked it or not, so we packed an emergency Gatorlyte and hopped in the car for 8am mass.
I forgot how "benevolently folksy" the atmosphere at this church is. It's Irish Catholic and it's a small community, mostly old ladies as usual, but everyone's so friendly? And the priest goes out of his way to thank people by name for assisting with the liturgy. He offers prayers for people by name, and he gives homilies and spiritual comments in very frank, simple, conversational language. It's very different from our church-- we're Polish, our priest is very formal & by-the-book, etc. I adore my home parish, and honestly I fit that more structured vibe better, but the "coziness" of this parish is still nice. I love how different every church is.
Anyhow! All the old ladies were absolutely overjoyed to have me back at Bible study, haha! It meant a lot. Father S was, too; he actually knows my siblings from way back in Boy Scouts, and he also knows my aunt??? Which is surreal. But he's such a great guy. Very open, very honest, very personable. He holds the Bible study in the rectory, as I mentioned, and he always has coffee and snacks for people-- today he had nut/ poppy/ apricot rolls, and some Italian lunch options? Like wraps and antipasto I think. Another lady brought in an entire tray of Christmas cookies. I tried the decaf coffee but forgot that coffee makes us incredibly nauseous. We also tried three cookies, just tiny bites of each-- ricotta, orange cranberry, and cherry thumbprint-- but we aren't a fan of desserts so honestly it was just to "be part of the community." It was an action taken to avoid seeming standoffish or disdainful.
The study itself is very informal, which fits the church's vibe, and it's a nice complement to my personal translation/ etymology/ commentary studying at home. We also follow along with a simple Bible Study DVD? It's from 2004, which amuses me greatly-- that was a very good year for us creatively; several Leagueworlds were born then and it was the first full year I shared with Chaos 0. So every time they mention the date for the readings I have to smile. It's a benevolent time machine.
We did the reflection for the Christmas Vigil Mass in the oldschool "Seasonal Missalette," which we had at our church when I was a kid. I enjoyed those reflections a great deal. Today's was about how Christ is the Light of the World, and that all through His Life there were patterns of that Light shining through deepest darkness, notably at His Birth and His Death. The question for reflection was basically, "how have you seen the Light of Christ shining in the darkness of your life?"
...
The DVD went through the readings for the Feast of the Holy Family, which apparently falls on a Friday this year because Sunday is New Year's and that's the Solemnity of Mary. We read from Sirach, Colossians, and Luke.
...

There are always three "group reflection" questions at the end.
(list)
We ended up talking about our inpatient stay.
It felt... we were so ashamed. Talking about "what we're grateful for" and the "good we did" feels damnable. Like it's just sheer arrogance and attention-seeking. And maybe it is. Honestly I can feel when we talk about our alleged "positive qualities" that we're really just subtly screaming "i'm not evil! please look listen other people said i'm capable of good things!! i promise i'm not bad! please believe me!" etc.
...


By the time the study ended (~1045) it was SNOWING!!!
Barely made it home, poor Calvary was skidding everywhere.
Listening to FROST* the whole time YOU KNOW IT SON

Don't even remember getting home, brain an oversocialized disaster zone
Body was a wreck from fasting as well (and the coffee nausea) so concentration was rock bottom
I don't even think i talked to anyone during prep? couldn't pull myself together

don't remember eating breakfast

used the post-meal "coping time" to do more organizational stuff. for some reason panic translates into cleaning and orderliness? "OCD" behavior like grandma. exactitude "or else."
put post-it tabs with expiration dates on everything in the fridge, did math for when we'd need to restock things and wrote those on post-its and stuck them on the pantry door, then did more math for comparing protein options and prices to figure out what our smartest option would be both budget-wise and nutrition-wise

Could not tap into headspace so I sat down at Scherzando
And it immediately turned into a LEAGUEWORK DAY THANK GOD
Came outta nowhere, spent like four solid hours just trying to breathe life back into them at large. We've been neglecting them for too long.
I was focusing mostly on older Worlds that never developed; stuff from 2004-2007 that has stayed "conceptual" until now, or that was previously "shoved into" other Worlds and that didn't work.
I'm "de-fusing" all the World "combos" that some previous kid attempted a few years ago? Nope, the new rule is that every Leagueworld STAYS how it was when it was born. No trying to amalgamate things.
...


SO sick and weak though. it's been several days, getting worse in little but noticeable ways. can't shake it off.
Could barely do any biking; had to go slowly, only just hit 50m. Yesterday we did two hours of decent speed at maximum resistance (8) with no trouble; today, we had it on 5 and were getting heart palpitations and the urge to vomit whenever we tried to exert ourselves. Is this like a crash from overexercising? But then why all the GI distress as well? And we've been dizzy & lightheaded all day, too, even though our blood sugar has been around 82 to 92. Is that feeling from lack of sleep? Geez. Bodies are so weird. We're not used to this at all.
Still. It's a cross, if nothing else. We feel like absolute garbage but if there's one thing the Book of Job is teaching us, it's that you don't EVER complain against God. Even when you're suffering, there IS a reason for it, and in every case humility and trust are essential. God speaks to us and teaches us in a very special way through our pains, IF we listen. Pride and anger kill the soul. So does grumbling and stubbornness. So yeah, I don't like how gross this body looks and feels, but... if it's what God wants me to endure today, then I just need to say, "God, You see me in distress, and if You are allowing it to continue, then You see a good reason in doing so. You only allow suffering if it is for my spiritual benefit. I trust You in that. Help me cooperate with this, to learn what I need to learn, and not to complain or resist." But it's HARD TO DO, man, I really do not like this. Still. Like it or not, I can still love. When I love God, that takes all the sting out of suffering, because it frees your heart from the distrust that is the ultimate root of all complaint.
...

Speaking of Job! We're still studying chapter 36, or at least we were during dinner-- we finally moved on to 37 today, after like a whole month, haha. (We were just doing daily devotions for a while tbh; it's nice to be back into regular reading.) Mainly we were confused about the translations for lines 16-21; today we were focused on 18 & 20. none of the translations on youversion were giving enough clarity, so i looked for commentaries online.
WELL. THAT HELPED A LOT. apparently most of the common translations are not adhering to the original Hebrew? either that, or it's such a debated translation that the "easily read" option is preferred. still, that "easier" option says "Be careful that no one entices you by riches; do not let a large bribe turn you aside." HOWEVER the more "old English" style translations read, "Because there is wrath, beware lest He take thee away with His stroke: then a great ransom cannot deliver thee." BIG DIFFERENCE.
Studying the commentaries and comparing translations, we concluded that this verse is saying two important things, in those two ways of reading the original text. Let me paste my favorite translations here:

"
Job, don’t let your anger fill you with doubt about God. And don’t let the price of forgiveness turn you away." (Job 36:18 ERV)
"...don't let your anger and the pain you endured make you sneer at God." (Job 36:18 CEVDCI)
"For let not wrath entice you into scorning chastisements; and let not the greatness of the ransom [the suffering, if rightly endured] turn you aside." (Job 36:18 AMPC)
“Don’t let your great riches mislead you; don’t think you can bribe your way out of this. Did you plan to buy your way out of this? Not on your life!" (Job 36:18 MSG)

And then verse 21 hits pretty hard:
"Job, don’t let your suffering cause you to choose evil. Be careful not to do wrong." (Job 36:21 ERV)
"Be careful not to turn to evil, which you seem to want more than suffering." (Job 36:21 NCV)
"Take heed and be careful, do not turn to wickedness, For you have chosen this [the vice of complaining against God] rather than [learning from] affliction." (Job 36:21 AMP)
"Be on guard! Don't turn to evil as a way of escape [from suffering]." (Job 36:21 CEVDCI)

...I've been feeling both of those translation-messages far too much lately. Honestly spending time with Mimic is making me think about my less-than-kind reactions to hardship with blunt sincerity.
I do run from suffering. Realizing that shocked and scared me. But, that's why we had bulimia. It's why we still get the urge to throw up whenever we feel even slightly sick, and it's why we're prone to addictions in general. When we're feeling nauseous or gross or depressed or scared or just wrong, our instinct is not to "endure suffering", it's to frickin bail. We dissociate. We look for an exit. We do evil things SOLELY to "stop the pain." I have to admit that. I see that so much with the ED nousfoni now, too-- how if there's the slightest chance that they will get "sick" from a food, they will immediately try to throw it up and throw everything else out. Wastefulness & self-abuse, because they refuse to take the chance of suffering. Yes, it's "survival instinct," but that can be taken way too far. True soldiers and warriors of faith don't prioritize earthly survival. They prioritize righteous behavior and MORAL FORTITUDE, which we truly want but also sadly lack.
...
 

mom called during dinner, 15m call
she got even less sleep than us, poor woman. she doesn't sleep well at all in general. but she had a rough day at work, crashed when she got home and just woke up now apparently? she was just chatting about youtube videos and cookie baking but to be honest i cannot remember the conversation because we felt so sick and we were in the middle of eating so our brain was very confused. so we feel really bad that our attention was awful.

we got so sick after eating? is it because we ate much later than expected?
wanting to throw up afterwards, again. fought it tooth and nail. still wondering why the heck this happens in the evenings. either it's the time, or it's the english muffin we have with dinner. gonna skip it tomorrow and see what happens.
tomorrow is going to be odd. mom wants us at her house for 9am to help her bake for at least five hours. so we have to pack a weird breakfast and have a completely different lunch/dinner mealplan. plus it's supposed to flash freeze in the afternoon so if we see the temp start to drop we have to book it back to our apartment because Calvary does not drive well in winter weather. I barely got up the hill to the apartment this morning, with that bit of snow!


It's 11:59, and I'm still believing, give me that sun red sky blue... yeah that's an ancient reference on my part but it is more relevant than ever tonight and what do you know, my phone alarm just went off.
"19 years. ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’š๐ŸŒŠ๐Ÿ’. Today All day."
...
I haven't typed about that for the same reason I run away from suffering.
I'm terrified of being vulnerable.
I'm terrified of myself.

I feel so unworthy. I feel so sick and wrong. I don't want to think about love or pain because they're the same bloody thing and I'm so empty and numb that... I'm just running and hiding. Pretending nothing is happening. Christmas is in less than 24 hours and I feel like I'm stuck in a timeless interim. Holidays? What are those? My brain has been "on hold" since the hospital! It's a nightmare. Whatever happened to life?
I know it sounds odd-- no, it sounds downright hypocritical to be talking like this, after all my talk of "progress" and "growth" and "hope" in recent days. But both things are true. Yes, we objectively are moving towards a better future in our innerlife, and hopefully even our outerlife, but... then we get days like this. Sick days, hollow days. And all of that good stuff is intangible. Right now I feel like a waste of skin and space. Right now I feel like the scum of the earth. Right now I feel like I'm not worthy or capable of love or joy or hope, and I sure don't deserve anything good. Hideous aberrations like me don't deserve anything but death.
Spiritual warfare, that's what this is. I expected this.
...Still.
It's still our 19th anniversary. Legit right now. It's 12:20 and God forgive me I'm not even going to be home for most of the day, I'll be in hyperspeed trauma-triggering social mode for like six hours, and when I get back I'll probably collapse in furious overwhelmed sobs and I won't be able to function. Why do I expect the worst? It's that bloody trauma, it always is, I've gotten so used to "the worst" being "the norm" that of course I'm going to default to catastrophizing. It's a thought distortion but it's also a protective instinct when your brain has seen and heard enough of disaster to not want to take any risks. Running from suffering. Spineless coward.
Geez this is not healthy language. Is it? I need to be harsh with myself. Laurie has been slacking off. There, I said it. I don't like how "nice" she's become. I've said that before. I miss her brutality. It's why I'm spending so much time with Mimic and his sharp edges. I want Laurie to stop giving me so much leeway. She's too merciful now. What if I want her to push me around again? What if I want her to threaten me with that axe if I'm being an idiot? I don't want to be coddled. I want to be a good person and for some reason I am CONVINCED that I can only be good if I am beaten into that shape.
...and I'm still so spinelessly scared to suffer. WHY.
What happened to the Retributor days? Why do we not get the urge TO self-abuse anymore? I used to adore the sight of all that blood. What happened? Why don't people shove me out of fronting to slice up our limbs anymore? Why is everything so freakishly "level" and numb and bland? Where's the life? Where's the honor? Where's the truth?
Where is all of the love I used to feel?
Why did "gaining weight and getting ugly" destroy my capacity to function positively?

...
I didn't draw myself, and I probably won't, even for this anniversary. I can't even say "our." I'm too much of a corruptive influence. I'm disgusting and at this point I'm... I'm so sick of life that I'm tempted to "throw out the world and become a nun" just like the pseudocore from 2018-2022 has been doing. Literally burning our history to cinders, and refusing to acknowledge a future, because she hated the world and only wanted to pray forever. The eating disorder took full advantage of that. Oh sure, you can easily pray for 5+ hours a day, just occupy the body with this! AND it'll make sure you suffer horribly every day, which ALWAYS brings you closer to God and prevents you from ever "liking" the world OR your life!! Absolute hell.
Still. I'm so tired.
I'm so tired of life. I'm so tired of physicality. I hate how often we update about food and daily events because "that's our life now, and if we don't write it down we forget days at a clip and our depressive despair gets even worse!" well dude maybe we should forget everything but headspace and religion? i don't care at all about daily life anymore i am so bloody tired of existence.
except.
except i share every single day with my baby girl now. my beautiful daughter. who cares dearly about me and does everything she can to encourage me. i hope to God i'm worth something to her life in return. lord knows i do try but i'm so utterly worthless. i'm no good for anyone. what the heck sort of benefit could my stupid isolated disgusting boring life do to anyone? i'm ashamed to think of how much success and honor and intelligence and accomplishment all the kids from our school and all our old acquaintances have achieved. even with their struggles they succeeded. our mom always pointed that out. "they can do it, why the heck can't you?" "why did god give me such freaks for children?" etc. someone is always better, smarter, prettier, stronger, more creative, more intelligent, more worthy of love. me? i'm just pond scum. i'm just a waste of flesh. i'm someone you wish you never met. "kill yourself you faggot/ bigot/ jerk/ monster/ etc."
so so tired of existing
and you wonder why i'm running away from "my" anniversary yet again.
...
he doesn't deserve this. he doesn't deserve such a punishment as me.
on the other side of the coin, who do i think i am having the absolute bloody gall to "love" him???

stupid body is hungry again
shut up. i am not giving you anything. i don't care if the blood sugar tanks. i'm tired, god help me, i'm so bloody tired of physicality. but i'm "scared of going back to the hospital," especially for christmas. i have to sing for it. i want to sing for it, rather. isn't that selfish?
god what do i do
why this suffering, what sin are You trying to correct? what are You trying to teach me? what good are You striving to bring out of this? please, i have no idea, i just keep screwing everything up, i'm so freaking scared i'm exhausted but please I don't want to be the villain anymore i don't want to do evil just because i feel dead, please give me some real hope of life beyond this absolute garbage bin of a "person" i am. this wreck of a self. this deplorable thing called "me."

i don't see a future for myself. at all.
i... if i try really hard to have hope, i can say that when i can feel the system, then i want a future, with them, but... right now, i feel alone and dead. literally dead. no hope at all. it's the self-hatred; it puts up plague-walls and nothing can get in.
...well isn't that just the problem. the plague. calcification.

i'm so sick of myself.
how am i supposed to exist when i live in this loathsome body. why is that so intensely disturbing to me.

another thing. slight topic switch.
i haven't been talking to chaos 0 at all lately. i'm not spending time with him at all. i only see him at night when i go to sleep and i get so many hideous flashbacks i haven't been really interacting with him even then.
i've forgotten how to love. i'm so tired. i'm so disgusted. i'm like... repulsed by intimacy. repulsed by anything vaguely like romance. it makes me feel filthy and evil. the instant resulting self-abuse is so maniacally violent it scares me. i want to die if someone so much as looks at me the wrong way. too many flashbacks.
i hate it. everything gets filtered through that bloody lens of past experiences that shook me to the foundations. i hate it. i hate that my brain is constantly so hypervigilant that it sees the tiniest similarities and screams murder about it. no chances. no risks. no remembering. no repeating. run and gun. get the heck out of there and if something or someone gets too close you snap and fight. like a wildfire. turns everything hydrophobic.
...god i want to sob but i can't feel a thing.

...wow this entry got really dark really fast.
that usually happens though. i let the automated stuff type out the daily notes, banal and embarrassing as they are, and then that humiliation just spirals down into this. "stop talking about yourself and the demeaning junkpile you call a life. shut the heck up before someone beats that arrogant stupidity out of you." except i wish someone would, especially a certain purple someone who used to be violet, i swear if i wasn't afraid of how demonic it makes me feel i would force her to switch hues myself, i'm sure i could wield that much power in here, but it would dehumanize me entirely.
what kind of a "human" am i anyway, oh wait, i guess i am "human" if i'm such a disgusting pig and a filthy whore.
i hate being "human" honestly. i always did, even as a kid. never "identified" as one. so grossed out by physical bodies and how other people acted. detestable stuff. i wanted nothing to do with any of it. i still don't.
but now i'm forced to admit and realize just how evil i actually am. and that "makes me human." it dooms me to obscenity. no wonder i want to die.
but job 36:20... don't be so bloody stupid. do you really want to die like this?
no. no i don't. it's why i refused to actually follow through with the suicide attempts in nc. refused to die in that filthy bathroom. refused to die in that atrocious state of life. refused to "let the devil win." put the pills down. put the alcohol down. put the knives down. step away from the ledge. you know the drill. yeah i was still an absolutely intolerable beast to the people around me, but hey, at least i didn't kill myself! you selfish abusive slut, maybe you SHOULD HAVE.

what in the world am i even typing
it's 111
i'm only going to get 6 hours of sleep again
then up that terrible house tomorrow with all the noise and flashbacks i am going to cry.
baby. stupid fat ugly baby. shut your whore mouth. crying is for the weak. crying is for manipulative abusers. crying is evil and offensive and disgusting annd wrong
i'm just spouting internalized trash at this point
wow no wonder we're so prone to bingepurges, how much glutted garbage is already in our psyche???

i want out
god i want out
i want to
"want want want" more slutty language shut up before i cut your tongue out

how ironic. talking about this with mimic all month.
"you have to want to change" "you have to want a better life"
well look at me, i refuse to admit that i do because that makes me a cowardly bastard. "i don't deserve better." etc.
don't want to be like this don't want to drag anyone else down with me no
absolute poltroon. get a freaking life
joke's on you, people like me deserve to be dead

"love doesn't use the word 'deserve'"

you know what the worst part of this is?
i'm going to burn out, stumble into that redlit bedroom, and that riverblooded creature is going to be there for me, and he's not going to hate me, and i won't know what to do at all.
i don't. i really don't.

i don't see him during the day anymore
i wonder why
no that's not rhetorical.
i mean i wonder if my subconscious has labeled him as "too sacred" to drag into my detestable daily struggle.
and yet we were all just discussing the incarnation again today, and how that choice of divinity to become human with ALL its abhorrence and wretchedness was a choice of love. god, literally GOD, decided to put apparent perfection aside and walk in the mud with us. because he wanted to give us the hope of a life better than this. something transcendent. and yet he also didn't want us to hate our current bodies. oh i know that goes completely against the fire and brimstone i learned. but it's true. jesus didn't hate his body. he didn't hate anyone else's, too. yes humanity is a fallen race but we aren't supposed to be. that's jesus's entire goal: transformation. restoration. recovery of truth. we're meant for light and love, REALLY we are, not all this cruel callous coldness. not all this rage and violence and bitterness. no fake tears, no panic attacks, no blame games, no manipulative schemes, no flashbacks, no abused people abusing people. what am i even trying to say

i'm so tired of feeling like love is too pure an emotion for a vile thing like me to ever feel.

this is why i run away from every relationship that gets too close, or looks at me too kindly
it makes me too acutely aware of the maggot-infested moirass i call a self
i'm a lethal contagion, get away from me, you'll end up dead or worse.

but it's been nineteen years
and even when i tell him to leave he won't.
even when i try to leave i can't.

i guess that counts for something.

it's almost 1:40. i'm too crushed spiritually to type any more.
six hours of sleep is pushing it at this point.

i really don't know how i'm going to deal with collapsing into bed and having him be right there. maybe i'll finally crack, let the light in, who knows.
it says a lot that i've been refusing to listen to music lately. that's proof of an internal hardening. music is cathartic. right now i'm blocking out all the options.
i really think it's trauma "prevention" nonsense. too many "near misses" in therapy, even at the beginning. too much "around the corner" horror threatening to burst onto the scene shrieking and covered in blood. really don't want to look at any of it. but i can't erase it. i've tried. it's been buried a long time but the hourly flashbacks are proof that it's clawing its way out of the coffin, thanks stupid weight gain triggers.
sorry. don't want to go down that route of vitriol again.

god help me please.
i could laugh, it hurts, i want to say "give me grace" but you always just point in that direction. "i did," you say. "you've got to open your heart to it first."
part of me angry at that but really the anger is just pain. wanting to cry. still can't.
god why. i'm not supposed to love him. or anyone. but especially not him.
why not, i am asked.
because i'm filthy dirty wrong stupid and he's not? because i'm just a faggot queer abomination remember? a laughingstock, an object of both mockery and hatred? someone who has committed too many sins to ever be able to function as a decent being ever again?
because he's nonhuman and nonphysical and that's "weird." and i'm stupid. and i'm not "doing what religion and culture and society obligates me to do" but god i'm so tired. i can't do it. i cannot. i cannot do it
i can't deny this either
i want to. lord i've tried. i am trying right now. stubbornly insisting that it's all fake, it was never real, i never actually cared, i don't even like him, haha it was all a ruse, game over, goodbye.
but then what? then what? what is my life then?
i have to turn off my heart to talk like that and that fact alone speaks volumes.
but "emotions are evil" my panicked "conscience" says. malformed as ever. "emotions are of the devil. that's why saints in paintings never smile. they always have flat faces and empty expressions because goodness doesn't feel anything. emotions are bad and wrong. if you feel them you are going to hell" etc etc etc
so what, making myself decidedly incapable of love is going to make me "good"???? i don't think so.

still.
too much trauma.
too much self-hatred.
legit terrified of someone wanting to get that close to me. scariest thing in the world
deep down i don't want to be scared of it. don't want to be afraid to be with him.
but i am. i'm scared of everybody right now because i'm so afraid of myself.

body getting real sick again
dizzy, heart skipping, shaky, nauseous. chest pain. headache coming back.
need to sleep. so tired inside and out.
god is this suffering punishment what did i do wrong please tell me so i can stop being so bad
is it the self hatred? is that it?
wouldnt that be ironic

god give me strength
yeah that's ironic too isn't it

don't let me die tonight
there's gotta be hope somewhere in all this
let me know your love in the morning
please.
i need hope. i need healing. i need to get my life together it's christmas for heaven's sakes

155am. i'm going to sleep.
hey by the way
tomorrow is still the anniversary. no amount of self-loathing can change that fact.
i know that makes you angry right now but please
stop and just read about what led up to this okay? if you can't feel anything on your own then read and remember.

there is hope, i promise you that, god is love itself and that's the ultimate fact of the universe
somehow everything is going to be okay

don't give up
it's gonna be all right

122122

Dec. 21st, 2022 11:27 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)

Starting this entry on our phone!
Of course it's unfinished, but with time constraints & emotional stress lately that's been inevitable.
Nevertheless, daily updates are mandatory, so here we go.


We were up until 3:15 last night working on trying to finish unfinished entries on here, so as a result we "slept in" until noon. Unfortunately, as usual, we woke up once at 6 and again at 930, and then we couldn't fall back asleep.
Our social worker called again around 10am (they have been regularly calling at this hour) to say we finally have a psychiatrist appointment for January. Honestly, I seriously doubt Hatchet will ever let us take psych meds-- which is shocking because we WERE taking meds during inpatient, but the System was dormant at that time. Even so, they were minor. We refuse to take anything that might muffle internal commuication and/or emotional states, especially antipsychotics. We would rather struggle and fight and learn together, than swallow some chemicals that screw with our brain function. No thank you. That's also why we don't take pain meds-- our body is in pain for a reason, and I am not going to "mute the fire alarm" just because I don't like the noise. I say this with a noted amount of irony as I have been ignoring such alarms in the apartment, but those have been minor every single time (it's a disabled community so even candle smoke can set them off) but I am aware of how unhealthy that response is on my part, especially in regards to not taking Tylenol for a migraine-- sometimes, even alongside the "I don't want to ignore the reality", I am being numb and blind, because I'm just wanting to suffer or put myself in danger, until it gets so bad that my cowardly instincts kick in and I start panicking and praying hysterically. It's humiliating. But at least I'm able to see and admit it. Next step is getting sincere contrition and amendment for it.


Mom actually called like 10 minutes after the social worker, and as usual, talked for a half hour. We love her but she started the call with "I'm sorry, were you trying to sleep?" and then just... kept talking, haha. But she's a scatterbrain and always has been; we never hold that against her. She means well, she just completely loses track of time and thought.
Still... I was sad at how our "conversations" tend to go. She was talking AT me mostly, and I noted (with significant distress) that whenever I "interrupted" to add a comment or response, she would audibly grumble, sigh exasperatedly, and immediately start talking again almost as if I hadn't spoken. I know it's because I'm breaking her train of thought, which is a fragile thing, but I still instinctively react like "my voice does not matter," or worse, "my voice is unwelcome" and "I am being rude and inconsiderate and selfish by speaking up."

At one point the floor fell through metaphorically because mom said "he doesn't like to talk about it, but he gained weight with the meds he was taking for cancer, so he has to buy all new shirts..." like WTF MOM WHO HAS CANCER????? I asked, but she completely dodged the question twice, not even acknowledging that I had asked, not naming names and changing the subject almost instantly. Honestly it is so frustrating when she does that; she'll "hint" at something that she is keeping secret but is apparently struggling to do so alone, as she therefore has no support or ability to discuss it or get comfort, BUT she will refuse to receive those things by acting like she never said anything at all. Sometimes, in the past, she would outright lie and say "I never said that! You're hearing things" and again, immediately change the subject and refuse to acknowledge the previous accusation. 
But mom for heaven's sakes does my BROTHER have CANCER????? what the heck why is my family so secretive, we've been shaken up all day over this, we only found out that her boyfriend had cancer when one day she offhandedly mentioned that "yeah he's sleeping off the chemo today" and I was like WHAT???? and although, again, she refused to elaborate, at some point she had to tell us outright, I think because he was threatening suicide??? it was a disaster. But yeah, mom is... not very good at communicating. No one in our birthfam ever was, sadly.
Anyway. Despite my shock, or maybe in spite of it, she changed the subject hard to baking. Just jumped right in, talking at lightspeed, asking me "did you know this?" "do you know that?" to change my focus. Geez. I guess that's where I picked up my dishonest "redirecting" behavior. At least now I know, and I can feel how wrong it is firsthand, which motivates me to be even more determined to change.
Anyhow,
...
Clothes gifts for siblings. Language showed she is still recalcitrant to acknowledge transgender issues in her kids
She's obsessed with that eight book. Lots of talk about sacred math & sound which we LOVE. 

Suffocation morbid thoughts, also knife fights
Why do we still feel such a bizarre suffering drive? even when we've grown "cowardly" now?
like we want more scars, on some level. we want to "experience terror", to "prove we can survive" and "that we are brave enough To face it." is this trauma again??? what the heck does that to to a brain

Got out of bed for... 1130 I think? body getting shaky from hunger. dislike that but it happens.

Adding the cinnamint oils to the blankets again. Celebi wanted the ylangylang on her anchor plush, haha. We used to put actual candle wax on her forehead years ago, that's where she got that mark.

Showing Xenophon the music boxes mom gave us from the house, she was thrilled
Me having amusing but heartfelt thoughts about "metal is actually a romantic element" because yeah music boxes, but also bells & wedding rings & violin strings & so many other really beautiful things. wondering about how i've always felt weirdly drawn to metal as an element? never really explored that. wonder what the roots of it are.

Late breakfast prep, couldn't concentrate, brain was a mess from fasting so long & not sleeping well. asked everyone to help me
Leon & Scalpel specifically offered their support & aid

Ambulance went by; we ALL spontaneously said a group prayer for the people involved
Felt so close to everyone in that moment, in that genuine care. really moving.


Do NOT add half another apple to breakfast, stomach Does Not Like It

Daily Bible verse John 13:35
"words of encouragement" gesture of love; surprisingly difficult? Clashes with SOCIAL MODE
Mimic observing that "your beliefs about the world are reflected in your actions"; basically if you believe the world is cruel & uncaring & everyone is out to get you, well then you start to act cruel & uncaring and now you're the one treating people badly. self-fulfilling prophecies. "we become what we think"
I emphasized how this is also directly related to what we believe about God or the lack thereof; the "innate nature of reality" as it were. enables or disables hope for change or something better at all

He also had us look up "disciple" to better explain the verse
Interesting etymology!
Ultimate clarification came from HEBREW word "talmid" & culture basis: give up life to become like their teacher, not just studying them. I pointedly called this "Sacred mimicry"

Can't be a disciple if you don't believe your teacher, if you believe it inevitably affects your behavior, etc. 

Since we started eating late, we didn't finish until like 2pm?
We felt slightly sick and extremely tired-- typical-- and so I took Leon & Scalpel up on their offer of support while I did the last few dishes (I've taken up the very smart habit of doing all dishes as I finish that part of the meal, so when the whole thing is done there's just 3 or so items to wash; it minimizes the time in the kitchen during that "interim state" and therefore helps lessen the risk of a panic binge). However, at some point, somehow, one of the ED nousfoni still came out?
She was so nervous, so scared. I don't recall why. She cut a slice of an apple to eat but, again, it was purely compulsive-- I could clearly feel she didn't "want" it, she just felt "compelled" to eat it, and we're still not sure why she does this. But Laurie & Spice both called her out angrily & told her to stop. I tried to be the "good cop" in the situation and comfort her a bit, so she wouldn't crash or "shut down," which most "scared" voices WILL DO if confronted-- their functions are so solidly based on fearful "survival" or coping, that telling them to "stop" feels like A THREAT OF DEATH and so they sometimes will actually REBEL on purpose. It's practically automatic; their roles are so hardwired that they can't "stop," at least not by being ordered or told to.
Still. She was a nervous wreck, poor thing, and I don't know why she almost gets pulled out whenever we're in the kitchen AFTER eating, but she does. And she was trying to pick at every little thing, her fear rising quickly.
I didn't think I could get enough control to walk out of the kitchen, so the only way I could fight her trigger-fronting was to quickly start a different focus in that environment-- which I did by getting out the cloves we bought last night and finishing Xenophon's pomander! We quickly had everyone hanging out again, and the inner "vibe" changed COMPLETELY. Incredible really, how different it feels in the head compared to the Social mindset. It's heartbreaking and frightening. Still, it was an important piece of data to realize. In any case, finishing the orange only took like 15 minutes, but it was a nice little refocus, and even better-- it's done now! Just in time for Christmas. It looks beautiful and smells even better, haha. We don't have a hook for it and don't know where we'd hang it anyway-- we're not allowed to put anything in the ceiling here-- so we set it on the altar for now. It fits, it feels like a symbol of a thurible somehow. I like it.
One interesting note-- for music, we put on Uyama Hiroto radio? And it was playing all ANCIENT tunes like Nujabes & Fat Jon & Minmi & such... the Jayce days. It felt so weird, like a time machine. Xenophon had us switch the music because it was "too jazzy" and didn't fit her style.
Still, wow. Amazing how completely our mental "atmosphere" was changed by that auditory reminder of past Cor(e)s and how they felt to live in this mind/body. Surreal.

Around 3pm, we felt the depression hitting again??? Why this time? Is that tied to some trauma event or reminder? I wonder.
Anyhow, we had just finished brushing our teeth, and it was the Hour of Mercy, so we decided to do the one thing that would help get our mind off the emotional distress-- pray. We're honestly striving to be determined to pray at this hour daily; we need to be accountable and punctual. (We did start closer to 4 again today, but I can't remember why? Still, we didn't use that as a despairing "why even try" excuse, thank God.) So we got on the bike and said the Divine Mercy chaplet and a Glorious Rosary-- those Mysteries are our second favorite, as we always lead them at Mass on Sunday mornings, and the pictures we have saved to our phone for them are so beautiful. I'll have to post a few sometime, maybe with reflections on why we love them; that would be really nice. Our favorites, though, are obviously the Sorrowful Mysteries; those fall on Tuesday which is Adoration Day in QotA and so we like to say those in front of the Monstrance, which basically puts us into a whole other state of consciousness, haha. Literally, we can imagine those events so clearly, it is psychospiritually EXHAUSTING but it is so worth it. It feels like we re-live Holy Week every Tuesday with that Rosary. And, when we say it personally with the photos, the ones we have saved for those are gut-wrenching, ESPECIALLY for the second Mystery-- the Scourging-- which most people are too squicked out by to show art of. (EWTN would completely avoid showing images of it during TV rosaries which genuinely upset us; for us the appalling bloody violence of the scourging is the central part of why that was so mysteriously sacred.)

...
After we prayed, we sadly still felt so sick emotionally, with no strength to do anything positive, because that sort of mindset likes to fuel religious paranoia and fear. So, we went on our phone and started "cleaning out" the 70-or-so tabs we had open, which-- inevitably-- were all religious articles we hadn't finished reading yet, over the past several weeks-- some from even before inpatient! But you can't rush through this stuff; it's heavy reading and it must be integrated as well.
...

We ended up biking for two solid hours, finishing around 6pm because mom called again, haha.
She wanted us to come over and help her bake, but we had to say no-- even though we felt horrible doing so, like an impudent callous brat-- explaining that it was not safe for us to go out this late, especially not to a high-activity, high-noise, overstimulating environment (which, although we love mom, is always what happens around her; it's just her energetic default).
She still wants us to come over on Friday to help her make the Polish rolls-- which we're willing to do of course, but... that's my anniversary. I don't want to spend my whole day dissociated and surrounded by bloody food when I have something infinitely more important to focus on. So... I really don't know what I'm going to do there.
...

Dinner was at 7pm, by the time we got everything prepped, because I insisted on also prepping breakfast again now and not after, again because I knew we'd have some poor disordered gal triggered out.
...

Reading Job 36 more, studying it line by line, Mimic always insisting I clarify every phrase
Phlegmoni & Galadia starting to join him in this; yesterday they were asking "hey why aren't we more involved in this? why aren't we spending more personal time with you in any case?" which is a darn good question. Honestly I think it's just because both of them have virtually no canon history. They are destined to be Leaguespacers-- Phleg is already "linked" to a nascent World-- so it's much, much harder to interact with them in headspace because they DON'T have a solid "identity" of their own yet, and if they get too much of one in headspace, it can severely damage their League-life. So we have to be very careful.
I know I will have to say "goodbye" to them both on some level, at some point. Mimic, too, inevitably-- I can feel the League calling him, and he has expressed a genuine interest in the idea of literally getting a "new lease on life" with that.
Still... I'm really liking having the three newbies around for the holidays, it's sweet.

...

After dinner, as expected, the panic-binge girl came out, and was trying to eat all the SunChips. Well Laurie was FURIOUS and was yelling at her to stop again, as was Xenophon and Mimic and me of course, but she was actively tuning them out AND shutting down her own emotions in order to mechanically continue to "pretend to eat" (yeah, she was doing the chew-spit thing again; at least she recognizes that her impulse is to bite and not eat, per se) because "I'm enjoying this" but she WASN'T. In reality I think there are wires being crossed? There's no "enjoyment" or happiness at all; there's only a false "relief" from the dissociation that occurs WHEN she forcibly shuts everything down and just does automated self-abuse-analogous behavior.
Somehow we stopped her? I think Laurie PUSHED THROUGH to half-front for a second? Because someone took the bag of chips and crushed it, to which the girl shouted "hey!!" petulantly but we said nope, if you're going to continue doing this, we are not going to keep this around, it's too dangerous. Give it to the squirrels.
So we did, literally. We went downstairs and tossed the whole bag of crumbs onto the lawn-- which, amusingly, someone else had done similarly before us, as there were cornflakes all over the place. Well hey, the critters do need to eat. So the ED girl (one of them at least, the bluer scared one) actually felt nice about this? Like she was able to not hurt us and help an animal, basically. It was like seeing the first star in a dark night; there was this new glimmer of "I can be good; I don't have to always be bad!" 
...
Going back inside, probably from eating like three or four chips in that whole hell of a process, plus the overwhelming panic, our body legit wanted to throw up. A different voice kept insisting on this, wide-eyed but emotionally detached, the panic screaming under the surface but her job was just "don't feel. stop the danger. now. do it." VERY chartreuse-feeling, which is RARE and HUGELY NOTABLE.
Still, I REFUSED. I said "I want to fight." And so I did. I told the girl we could take antacids, would that help? She numbly (thousand yard stare, poor thing) said yeah, and took three. Then I immediately brushed the teeth & got into pajamas, and although the body didn't feel any better, it helped pass the time and get us ready to just hop into bed later without further prep.
And that's when I sat down at this laptop! Honestly this is the best possible thing to do when feeling sick or upset; it is a TOTAL ATTENTION SHIFT from the outside to the inside, total detachment from whatever we're feeling, and it can easily be prolonged for hours so it keeps us completely safe.
Anyone who says "technology is the devil" has never talked to us, haha. Honestly, computers have given massive boosts to our growth in faith and psychological healing throughout our entire life.

...
I've been listening to Albert Guinovart on Spotify all evening. I forget how I stumbled across him, but his album "Nocturne" is gorgeous. I think I liked every single track. Infi loves it, too-- it's very evocative emotionally, which is entirely hir vibe.
We were listening to an Alex Futon album while we biked, or at least, we were trying to; we like three tracks on the album but the rest are so explicitly sexual it's disgusting. How the heck people have no shame in saying such things is beyond me. Whatever the "worldly" mind is in that respect, I do not want to go anywhere near it, ever. That's another big reason why I don't like to socialize-- people out there consciously think like that, and that is TERRIFYING.

...I was talking to Infinitii again today, in little focused bubbles of conversation, short but heavy.
Probably the MOST IMPORTANT THING we "realized" today, after being so disturbed & distressed by the religious reading on the bike, was that... technically, INFINITII IS THE ONLY "MOTHER" IN THE SYSTEM. Full stop. And... this makes me the only actual "father" of EVERY potential "system child."
Infinitii and I are literally two halves of the same soul. Yes, I always call Chaos 0 my "other half" but he's part of my heart. That was a choice on his part and mine; it wasn't inherent. But Infinitii is actually taken from my very being. 
I was freaking out over "canon law" about illegitimates and then I realized, hey hold up, I've never actually done anything like that. Not in reality, ever, and upstairs it's also been completely inapplicable. At least, from what I remember. God I hope so. That whole topic is so disturbing and buried in our past.
But... I can't think in depth about it, I'll have a trauma meltdown. The point I want to make is, Infinitii and I are inevitably the only "parents" of any creature that exists as a result of our CONSCIOUS INTENT TO REDEEM & RECTIFY ALL THE ABUSE, not as a pr*****cy, because we're the ones that GOT abused so directly. No one else. Yes, many others in the System do have trauma, but always from getting too close TO us IN our trauma.
I can't talk about this, I can feel our brain and body shutting down.
But yeah. Celebi and Chaos and even Genesis maybe might "influence" those children, but those kids are not biologically borne; they are from BLACKSPACE like every other Nousfoni, and their existences simply draw from the life-energy of ours that was traumatically misused in the past, for the sake OF "making something good come out of even that." The ultimate victory of light over dark. Good over evil. The triumph of love & truth despite all odds. That's why the kids exist; that's why Xenophon was in that bloody sink. They're literal living manifestations of transmutation-- of taking the blackest tar and, through love alone-- love that courageously refuses to surrender or give up-- transforming it into the most precious thing. Hearts of gold.

...Honestly, I think Infinitii is the only being EVER that I can be "married to" in a Christian sense.
Every time I read about it in light of faith, it's all about children. Marriage only applies TO that context; otherwise it's just a close personal relationship. Intimacy is meant for procreation and no matter how much I love Chaos 0 I cannot do that with him. Ever. I've tried, yeah, but it only goes halfway or I completely meltdown or he stops me or something else. Plus, biology is missing, conspicuously, and thank God for that.
Still. Infi is part of me. That's the ONLY way I'm going to have ANY sort of "male/female" interaction in a relationship; the Good Lord knows I've been genderqueer since my childhood, as well as completely repulsed by physical sexuality AND the very idea of being "attracted to people." To this day, even if I think some girls are pretty & some guys are handsome, the thought of "romance" or anything worse is loathsome. Absolutely nauseating. And yeah, I've tried to force it, especially for some girls I really care for, but I can't. It just cannot be honest, not from me. I have known since childhood that marriage is NOT my calling and also I just CANNOT be "a girl" and NEVER "a woman" but. My religious community absolutely rejects both those things. Hence the trauma.
Still... it's been repeatedly burned into my greymatter to the point where it has scarred. I still feel morally required TO be married & have kids but I CANNOT. I cannot be s*xual and I CANNOT be "female" especially not in THAT hideous context. It can never happen.
And then there's Infinitii. My daengel. Already "flesh of my flesh" in the same sense as Eve. The only "female" resonant being in the System besides Julie, who is arguably born of the same blackstuff. And yeah, Infi is female-resonant on an intrinsic level even if ze does not identify as such and that is OBVIOUS, I mean have you seen hir? It's built into hir very purpose, ESPECIALLY with all the trauma associations concerning shape alone, not to mention function. it's terrifying but that's why ze exists as ze does.

...

Oh, btw I added ALL the Leagueworlds to our Spotify playlist folders, even the ones that have barely any substance as of yet, and/or that might change completely. I still want to give them the chance to bloom & grow & evolve further via music, so literally everything is on there now, and open to contribution.
It feels... really touching, really heart-moving, to see all those worldnames listed.
I'm so glad I came up with the "bank" system for them, too. It's still in development of course, but the basics are down and it feels so much more connective & attentive. Plus it's another way to add color & faith to the numerical mechanics of things, you all know I love doing that for literally everything.

Speaking of the League! Today was the winter solstice, which means today I gave special loving thought to Halcyon Days, as I do every year. I didn't get to do anything for them, with everything else that happened, but I looked through their artwork and I thought about their story and I gave them so much love.
Honestly I think I need to take some time to just "get to know" ALL the Leagueworlds again, post-NC, because since then everything's been cut off from my memory due to the resultant legitimate trauma associated with our personal creativity in general.
But, silver linings, now we know what they're NOT. The horror forced us to see what was WRONG and it enabled us TO change. Just like in Job 36, go figure.


...
We're actually really hungry again? Why. Not even five hours after dinner and we're hungry. I don't get it. Bodies are so weird. We hit 1600k, how much more does the body want??? Are we getting the right macros but wrong sources?? Our nutritionist just gives us "general american diet" junk data which is frustrating. Inpatient did too. They assume everyone has the means & the stomach to just make casseroles & cook porkchops and order pizza and weird stuff like that. Can't think about that either; too much disturbance.
Well, in any case, hungry or not, the body will have to wait, because we promised Father S that we'd go to Bible Study after Mass tomorrow, so we have to be up at 7 and we won't get home to eat until probably 11pm, later if they decide to talk a lot. But we have everything but the eggs & broccoli ready, which only takes like 10 minutes. And, Father always offers food from his kitchen (yes the Bible Study is in the rectory, it's a beautiful old building) and he knows we're in recovery from an eating disorder so I am sure he'd let us eat a few grapes or something if we need it-- he's diabetic so we can rely on him having healthy food; Lord knows that disease runs in our family too so we must be careful.
Still... our headache is returning and we're already dizzy. That's not cool. I'll take our blood sugar before we go to sleep; if it really is getting too low, we'll have to pack an apple or something for the road. We don't want to pass out or crash.

But yes, I promised my boss I'd be in bed for midnight which gives me 11 minutes as of right now to get there.
That is nowhere near enough time to clean up this entry, but at least I made the effort to type even after the struggles of today-- if I didn't, it would snowball. This honest journaling is an intrinsic part of our healing and our hope.

Anniversary in 24 hours. Christmas in 48. God only knows what will happen, but if we keep holding on to faith hope & love, it will be beautiful.
God has never let us down, especially not for the holidays. So we can anchor our joy to that, no matter what.


122022

Dec. 20th, 2022 03:05 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)
 
(disjointed entry. very unfinished. need to post anyway because we're falling into neglect)


This day lasted for like... five days, haha. I don't know why it felt so long, but it did.
Honestly I wonder if it's because we haven't been putting much System time in? The body's been sick, we've been depressed and disturbed, our past is haunting us and our future feels empty. I haven't been typing. The one major point of light is that we are still talking consistently and constantly during the day, which makes even these long difficult days beautiful in those moments. Remember that.
 
Up at 8am, awful headache still. head throbbing with pain. wanted to throw up. wondering if this is sinuses, muscle tension, or migraines. either way it's miserable.
Unsound sleep too. Thinking too many blankets; the heat is very triggering in any case
 
Therapy at 9
nowhere to park! had to park in the gas station lot across the street. offhandedly mentioned this to therapist as an explanation as to why we were a few minutes late, and bless this woman she said "oh i don't want you to be towed, let me see where you're parked and maybe i can find a better spot for you?" so she TOOK US OUTSIDE and when we pointed out the car in the lot, she WENT INTO THE GAS STATION and flat-out asked the manager if "my colleague" could park there. they said yeah, that's fine, and we went back to the office. but GEEZ OKAY SUDDEN PROMOTION, haha. laurie was teasing me about it. yeah it was just for the sake of appearances, but still. it felt weirdly nice, to momentarily feel like we had a purpose. like we meant something to other people. not just another "sick in the head" patient. want to think about that feeling more, what it entails, what it brings up.

Figuring out rough treatment plan today.
main goal is reducing the frequency of trauma symptoms, mainly flashbacks. we were deeply disturbed to realize that we get them almost HOURLY now. didn't realize it was that bad until we started listing examples for her, to get a "measurable" grip on the situation. legit they almost never stop now. come out of nowhere, knock us completely off kilter. harrowing to become aware of this. never this bad until inpatient i think. eating disorder kept us sedated scared and distracted enough after all.
somehow segued into a datadump about family & social "perfectionism" fear & exhaustion? oh yeah she asked us if one of our goals would be "improving communication skills & social skills" or something, and our kneejerk response was RAGE & TERROR. so we admitted that and started to explain.
...
Realized we typically DON'T face or process those topics when at "home" (in the apartment); we aren't AWARE of the problems because we're so DETACHED from physical life and ESPECIALLY physical relationships
in any case we still have a MASSIVE MIND-BODY DISCONNECT
decided my second goal is "I want to be able to feel emotions again" = vs emotional condemnation internalized from family; no vulnerability, no weakness
discussed that at length too. disturbing. we didn't realize how much hatred we have internalized OF emotions that are labeled as "stupid" or "manipulative" or "lazy" or "selfish" etc. notsomuch "weak" as "evil." like, the weakness is spiritual, and it's because you're cruel and malevolent. really really twisted. but makes sense, considering the messages of our upbringing. lots from mom, notably the "crocodile tears" accusations constantly. "you're only crying because you want to hurt me" and stuff like that. grandma saying "you're not really sorry. you're lying. you always lie." etc.
...
 
afterwards we had debit cash and so we went shopping: redners, Aldi, Walmart, double riteaid. we're already on the road so our mind was able to do so. do not want to go out again tomorrow, need to take a day off to recover and then of course it's the blessed christmas trinity weekend so our only outing is MUCH CHURCH
flat out ran through the stores, haha. booked it and grabbed what we needed and left asap. genesis was there of course but i actually stayed more internal? like didn't even fully anchor into the body. getting really socially manic as always (fear response, i can feel it, that's crazy) and genesis kept calling me out on it, strictly so. thank goodness. i don't know what i'd do without him.
a= got broccoli (we're eating 2 bags a day now so we wanted to restock a bit), and one tin of mints
r= got lemonade apples, because xenophon likes them a lot and they will also now forever remind me of both infinitii and mimic from the time we got them earlier this month
w= got laundry soap, antacids, bloodsugar stabs, red del/ ambrosia apples, and i think that's it? looked for the emergen-c vitamins then realized oh hold up, we got those at wegmans. not going that far today! so decided to check riteaid
ra= got bloodsugar sticks, the last two! thank god they're frequently sold out. the first store was out of emergenc but there was a spot for it, and there's another store down the street from our house and they had it. the cashier at the first store enthusiastically complimented our hair to which we laughed and replied "kitchen scissors & the bathroom mirror"
still. she said "i'd kill for hair like that" and uh lady, you don't say things like that as a joke. but how do we say that in public. social mode shuts us down, makes us laugh and play it off, while inside we're screaming or seething and we just... lock up. automatically smile and nod and play the role. but it's so dishonest. still! how do you speak up like that without "destroying the conversation?" we were always told "no one wants to hear about that" etc. "people don't want to be lectured they want to be entertained" yeah but we're sick of being the clown.
geez on that note i miss spinel. never forget our sister watching the movie then crashing into our room in tears and shouting "SPINEL IS YOU. SHE'S JUST YOU." set the whole world reeling. oh we knew, she was like looking into a mirror, but for our family to see it just as clearly...
in any case. gotta think about this more. hate having to "tread my moral integrity underfoot" just to be "sociable." part of me WANTS to be the madman with no mental filter who doesn't care about "polite conversation" or "proper manners" or whatever. take the script and burn it. hate having to always perform. want to be absolutely loony if that's what it takes to be true. honestly that's an ancient secret aspiration, why do you think we loved jesters & disney sidekicks so much as a kid? always wanted to be the "crazy guy" speaking truth. never had the guts, but always had the heart. gotta work on that more.
 
Home for 11! Got everything we needed too, thank God. unfinished lists are like chalkboard nails in my head.
however, realized i "forgot" orange yogurt for Xenophon. wasn't on the list, but it's her favorite and we're out, and we can only get it at redners. Promised I'd get her some on the way home from choir.
 
saw 1111 on all the clocks, actually ran around the apartment to do so, haha
felt like a kiss from god, first glimmer of "hope" we've had all day
 
Breakfast gang!
Leon & Scalpel! oh man i hope they become close friends that would be so great. i know leon is still quietly in mourning, and scalpel is such a friendly dude but there's like no one else in his realm. which is so weird. red has always been the cor(e) color, but we ironically don't know much about it? like how does it manifest? what's it's vibe? what are its true associations in the system? all a mystery. that's why javier was literally constructed; the system couldn't naturally "make" a red nousfoni because that wasn't an open hue at ALL... except for splinters. razor, batta, hatchet, cleaver, zwei, even lynne at first... every nousfoni that's EVER been "red" has broken off FROM the cor(e) in some respect. which is INSANE and i can't believe we've never really typed about that?
when i refine this entry, DO THAT. either now or elsewhere. but do NOT postpone these topics, they are too vital.

BTW I forget how this came up-- I think Julie was talking to me after breakfast, as we brushed our teeth? (She's like the only nousfoni who CAN talk to fronters in that environment) But whatever we were discussing, she declared that she is now the "stepmother" of EVERY child in the system. She said, "if it weren't for me, none of this would have happened, so I have a personal responsibility to all of them." She emphasized that she wants such a maternal-esque involvement, anyway-- she's not their mother, and does not plan to be, but she still wants to be so specially close & in a caring role. That... meant so much to me, to hear.
(We... need specific jargon for the children, really. "pinkchild" was first thought but doesn't fit. too much trauma involved. i'll think of something.)
SPEAKING of motherhood though. That has shockingly (but unsurprisingly somehow) proven to be INFINITII, IN ALL CASES. We've always known that "Blackspace" is the "cosmic womb" of the innerworld, the "infinite potential" that we all ultimately come from-- Whitespace, in contrast, is more structural & less "organic" in vibe-- but we never considered that Infi would ALSO hold that role AS the Black Core. Which is HUGE.
Yes, for a while we all were "suspecting" a sort of "mother" Nousfoni in Black, but it never materialized in any respect. Well NOW WE KNOW WHY.
A vital addition: motherhood is not safe in humans, for us. That would make it TERRIFYING. So it's actually weirdly perfect for Infi, who was born to manifest sexuality & sensuality in an explicitly comprehensive yet non-abusive manner, and who is OBVIOUSLY not human, would be able to hold a mother-analogous role when no one else ever could.
Still. "Mother" is such a traumatized term. I honestly don't even know if it has any positive solid associations in the League???? It's all like... single fathers, mostly. That's always been our thing. Yes there are human parents in some Leagueworlds, but offhand, I can sadly tell you that the "mothers" were always detrimental to their children. That breaks my heart, and worries me greatly, but it no longer is a shock, since our NC experience revealed that MOST of the early Leagueworlds were direct expressions of Jewel's subconscious, and all the stuff she COULDN'T and WOULDN'T acknowledge consciously, got shunted into her creative endeavors. So... healing those worlds is important, too.
Geez. Remind me to talk about this more, especially with Celebi, AND Infinitii. This is absolutely breaking new ground for us in the System.
...Hm. This will probably both benefit from and for my understanding of the Virgin Mary, too, in terms of what real motherhood IS.
We, sadly, have the abused-sexuality aspect to our experience, though. Our religion does not. So... we just have to pray for help with that. Lord knows He's done that so far, against all odds. Yeah, we still have so far to go, almost overwhelmingly so, but... God has never let us down, and I can say with total conviction that He never will. So... trust in that. He knows why we're dealing with this now, and He will bring us all to a brighter state of heart through this. I can promise you that.

 
youniverse daily devotion: Jerry Flowers PREACH
quote: "Whenever purpose is unknown, abuse is imminent....  When you don't know the purpose of a thing you'll abuse it. Don't abuse your light. Don't hide it or dim it down  So that you could be accepted among social groups.  You are made to be a light of the world, so... shine, so that others may see our Savior."
"An ambassador is an accredited official from another kingdom."
We are on earth as ambassadors from GOD'S Kingdom, to shine the Light which IS CHRIST-- in this world there IS NO LIGHT APART FROM HIM.
 
Mimic grilling me about faith questions again
Honestly I'm beginning to love that he does this
...
i'm, uh, beginning to love him too, to be honest. not sure how so, but i know how my heart feels around most of the outspacers and this is different. not like chaos 0 of course, no one will ever get to his level, but... maybe because he's from the same universe? i feel like i would honestly like to be closer to him. maybe it's just vague imaginings. still, i should think about it more.
i should talk about it more.
genesis is an inspacer so he's in a league of his own, pun intended. celebi is arguably the first outspacer (2001) and i do love her, but she's one of the very rare girls so she, too, is in a different category. despite how many crushes & squishes i get on ladies, and how many "hello nurse" moments i have even with human gals-- yes i know trauma has screwed me up mentally & i struggle with misdirected rage but girls are still really freakin pretty and deep down i don't hate them, cross my heart-- there are like... no female outspacers. i think it's sadly because females in media are... not portrayed well. they're too often hypersexualized or written in ways that clash cacophonously with our inner atmosphere. still, we would like to have more of 'em. there's just a lot of fear around them, too, with the internalized homophobia and the trauma panic reactive instinct. even so, lots of masculine-coded creatures up here. notably no humans, in either respect. the only human outspacers that EVER stuck around were bakura & marik, who we still say only stuck because they're androgynous, young, and mentally screwy like us, haha. hey, we bonded over all that as a teen. it meant a lot honestly.
even so. i... never felt that close to them. yeah, i love them, but... still. human boys. there will always be distance there, put bluntly, because even when "i" was 13 i didn't identify as entirely human and i still struggle with it. so... no one was too surprised when i fell in love with chaos 0 at that same age.
even now, let me list all the "active" outspacers i can think of... mimic, phlegmoni, galadia, gleam, ventrium, celebi, chaos 0, possibly barry but only AS that skull-headed suit of armor; his presence in headspace is detached from his canon human self and inevitably so. still, the dude needs a leagueworld or he'll never be able to do much in here. he's just a "visitor," unable to stick around for long due to having no "roots." all the older outspacers that jewel tried to bring in but who NEVER visited-- davy & grievous come to mind-- are in the League now.
geez we have less outspacers than i thought. i remember back on blurty jewel would list tons of potential folks but none of them ever entered headspace. she would reach out once or twice, but never pursue it, and sometimes didn't even offer a door. i don't think she could without a legit Link and she DIDN'T ALWAYS FORM THOSE, believe it or not.
nevertheless. a topic we brought up today was how outspacer anchorage is strongly affected by their canon history-- and how that is notably explicit in Pokemon outspacers. In-game, they have NO HISTORY unless YOU make one, as their Trainer. THAT'S why they would always go straight to Moralimon, because that's Jewel's heartworld and if she was close to any pocket monsters they would inevitably catch her vibe in that respect. ...However. Recent years, so to speak, have Pokemon in headspace, because our Klonoa-haired Jewel wasn't their in-game trainer! So it's different. They aren't in the League (yet?) and as such their identities are very unstable. That's why Ventrium died so suddenly, and even now I only list him because there is the slightest ping to his name and although that's joyous it is incredibly faint. He cannot truly "resurrect" WITHOUT a life TO resurrect. Like the system children, his soul needs careful loving attention. That's a specific focused job.
...That's probably why I feel closer to Mimic. I have been SERIOUSLY giving him attention, since I feel so drawn to him inexplicably as a character, almost in spite of his terrible behavior-- in truth I see too much of myself in him. Barry, too, which is why he ended up in here. There's always a point of resonance, something even deeper than aesthetics.
Still. Let me stop avoiding the point i want to make. i can expand upon it more later.
I don't get dreams like this with outspacers. Ever. Chaos 0 and Celebi are the only ones I have EVER dreamed of. So... that alone speaks volumes. And it's been the weirdest thing, getting to know him AFTER that. I compared it to Stein's Gate before; it's really true. It happened and yet it didn't. Neither of us mention it outright but we don't deny it either. It's the mormyrinae in the room, haha. And honestly I'm not ready to discuss it, because I haven't processed it. I could ask the same question. Why you, why me? I have no idea what my subconscious is doing. But I really should sit down and try to look at it. Infinitii could definitely help, God knows that's hir function, really.
...I do feel a similar closeness-seeking thing with Ventrium & maybe even Gleam, but that's mutual. They have totally different personalities; they're very fragile & broken like me, so the closeness is almost instant & inevitable. Not so with the octopus. He's a challenge, dude, he can be a pain in the neck but I love him, and I'm wondering just how much weight I'm putting into that word. I'm... learning a lot, from this. I'm growing a lot as a person, emotionally too. It's so weird. But I'm so grateful for this, as unexpected and unpredictable as it is.
 
 
After breakfast, ended up spontaneously organizing the refrigerator to "declutter" and so help avoid mental meltdowns-- not only does disorganization trigger unhealthy behaviors, but we always get nervous after eating, and hard focus helps alleviate it. we're learning to manage it better. after the other night we are determined to prevent any further lapses at all costs, god give us strength & grace because we need it!
Put all frozen english muffins & bread into little ziplocs, because in the original plastic they were getting super freezerburned, and we only eat one slice of either a day anyway. felt nice to organize it all and throw out the frosty packaging.
finished the rainbow carrots for breakfast, so opened the 5lb orange bag to snip & bag those up too
"JEWEL" doppelganger ED voice?? MORE "red" thoughts.
(TYPE ABOUT THIS!! "face" masking because they're too close in color and DON'T have their own identities??? also BODY SHARING with other socials, "bleedover" in appearances, esp. with the body?)

freakin' JESSICA SHOWED UP?????
 
Pomander w/ Xenophon for a full hour
Listening to Tokimonsta album
Chaos 0, Genesis, Infinitii joined up
felt like such a family. it was the most beautiful hour i've spent in a while
(remember the jokes we were making about song titles; that was great)
 
Mentioned Celebi baby embryo egg to Genesis
First a rather deadpan disbelieving "what" like he thought he misheard me
Chaos said no, really, she was with Jayce, so we think it's hers
Genesis wide-eyed "WHAT????" response, genuinely stunned.
Legit VERY upset that he wasn't told sooner? felt like it was a betrayal of our close friendship. "out of the loop." I said I really haven't told anyone outright; in truth he was one of the first few people to know, besides laurie & infi.
Chaos commented to him that "he might be next"
another very quiet "what" of absolute shock
Teared up a bit. THEN said loudly to me "well I'D BETTER BE"

(For the record Xenophon is actually rather giddy that she will eventually have siblings)

 
Fire alarm went off the instant we finished with the cloves (need a few more, will get)
Brushed teeth instead. Laurie commented on this dangerously nonchalant attitude
 
Cleanup & alarm finished for 3pm
Chaplet on bike 

For some reason looked up old friends online?
Feel worthless, useless, stupid, inept in comparison 
Devastatingly depressed 
 
...
they... offhandedly mentioned us. said that they were terrified to face their own d.i.d. because they only knew one other person who did have it-- and "their disorder was so severe they could not function."
didn't we just type about this?
it's true. it breaks our heart that our own stupid screwed up brain hindered someone else's healing. the fact that our damage was THAT STRIKING and yet we couldn't see it. it was our "normal." how many people have we hurt without realizing it?

Got into "gender depression" again on top of all this; struggling so hard with the entire topic
Reading about neopronouns & such? realizing that i, as the new core, do NOT fit EITHER binary pronoun, which is new. feeling out what might work instead.

stumbled across an article about gender & sexuality which opened with the honestly shocking line, "sexuality... is about who you are." explained that this is because it inherently describes & involves one's own "innate sense of gender" as well as "the ways in which we experience attraction to other people."
thinking about that. knocked me off focus entirely. always used to admittedly sneer at lgbtq+ folks who treated gender & sexuality as this "big important thing" because i "didn't care" or at least was shoving it under the floorboards.
didn't really read the article entirely; brain not in a good space. really should read it later though. but thinking about the implications of that opening statement. it's... upsettingly accurate. infuriating in a sense. not invalidating aces though-- the article mentions them outright. i'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that yeah, no matter how i try to "fix myself" or let other people try to-- i'm still asexual. it's religiously terrifying, and personally a huge relief.
...

reading all of that made me feel... despair. really it did.
but. then i got an email from ewtn. pope francis's angelus message today.
https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/253108/pope-francis-st-joseph-shows-us-how-to-respond-to-disappointed-dreams
it was... exactly what i needed to hear. lit the candle of hope immediately.
thank you god.

biked for an hour while doing all this, which was nice. slow, but still high resistance.

had lunch at 530. no memory of it atm.
Chatting about current bible reading process: job chapter 36 (studying this book so hard)
Me, Laurie, Xenophon, Chaos 0, Mimic, Phlegmoni, Galadia
https://biblehub.com/commentaries/job/36-7.htm ← actively discussing matthew henry's commentary line by line w/ the outspacers. amazing conversation honestly.


630pm CHOIR!
Did a "dress rehearsal" of the pre-vigil kolฤ™dy, took 45 solid minutes, sounds wonderful. jh solo beautiful. the kid's voice sounds better in the evening haha
we didn't rehearse ours but he did confirm that we ARE doing it AT THE VIGIL. ;________; DREAM COME TRUE
we took our binder home and we plan on HOPEFULLY either typing it into noteworthy composer and/or playing it up the homestead for mom, and rehearsing. it's in g minor so we know.
ah this is such an honor and a blessing though. god please let us sing to glorify you. all for you.

SHOPPING after choir like i promised! went to the twin's old workplace. so many good headspace memories of sitting in that lot at night in the winter, waiting to pick them up from work, and listening to the soundcloud system sountracks. that was the most beautiful winter of our life, really. it warms our heart to remember. even with all the legit terror that also happened that year, haha. the goodness was so genuine and so strong that it overwhelms all else.
i think we still have some of those songs saved to our flashdrive (Iridesce)??? they don't exist online anymore. geez we should put them on our phone.
anyway! got xenophon 4 orange yogurts, 2 lingonberry ones for mimic (don't tell him), extra cloves for the pomander, jumbo eggs, a tiny carton of probiotic cottage cheese (no fillers or additives, gonna try it because it's a good extra protein add-in), blue & red sunchips "because it's christmas" and i want to give those e.d. voices the chance to not only learn to enjoy food & eat it properly, but also to be merciful and not "punish them" by refusing to have any chips in the house... and BIGASS APPLES, haha. seriously this store has gigantic apples and no one else does. and they had a different kind of ambrosia? so we got 4 of those & 4 more red delicious (i know people joke about them, but they don't hurt our teeth, we like their unique flavor and they're SO RED) and i think that was it. ended up being like 60 bucks haha. oh yeah they also had blueberry yogurt, and cherry high-protein kind (new!), both of which i bravely got to try because i still don't know if i like either, and it's been junked out of fear in the past so of course, silly me, i "have to give it another chance." saying "me" there feels very blurry btw. more of a jewel or jess feeling than a jay. yes we all deal in mercy & hope, but that application to food is a feminine aspect. important, yes, but specific.
...

when we got home we actually had a tiny "dinner", as we knew we would be up until like 2am trying to catch up on typing, and since "lunch" was at 530, leaving it at that would mean... fasting for 17 hours. NOPE. it's tempting, but after seeing what it does to our mental state, it's also stupid. so we can't. gonna try to work in at least an evening apple into the plan from now on, if we're gonna be up so late. don't want any bloodsugar crashes.
dinner was a fortune cookie ("acting on a good idea is better than just having a good idea"), a red delicious apple, and one of those blueberry yogurts. well they taste like childhood summertime. so they are BOTH lovely and terrifying, haha. geez. childhood is so weird in that respect; it's all wonder surrounded by fear. 
like we said in therapy, though, those memories are all but entirely missing. the few memories we "have" are secondhand, from watching family videos-- they AREN'T personal memories, they're just "data." something we were shown and can recite back as a cold fact. but we weren't there.
most of our actual memories, in general, are traumatic. it's terrible.
the only good memories we can easily list are from headspace.

...

oh geez it's 2:40am i am late for work, see you kids later!

 

121922

Dec. 19th, 2022 11:36 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

monday.

i... don't remember today at all.

we had an appointment with our other nutritionist at 2pm. she keeps pushing the inpatient plan, which is literally 4000K+ and ridiculously expensive. we told her we've "edited the plan" and are spacing meals more, fasting regularly to alleviate the otherwise-constant body sickness & mental fog, and have streamlined our nutritional options & needs so that we, ideally, don't have to "plan" anymore-- we have a set schedule & setup and it takes away all the stress of number-crunching.
we do feel weirdly depressed after talking to her. it's like, she pushes food so much. and we are so tired of our live revolving around eating. that was our trauma-abuse addiction for two entire decades and we want OUT. it's devoured enough of our life. we've talked about this enough already. we are sick and tired of people acting like eating should be "fun" and "enjoyable" and "social" and all that. no. we like what we have, we talk together and do our scripture study while we eat, we get done, we clean up, we go back to work. simple as that. no "novelty items" or "adventurous" things. that's ridiculous. no "snacks" for heaven's sakes, that's a RULE. this woman keeps telling us "eat every three hours and have snacks" nope. never. that would put us right back in disordered behavior hell. there is more to life than food, so don't you dare go telling us to make life revolve around food again. never again. we're done.

let me check the phone to give you guys a better update on general events

oh yeah, now i know why today was so messed up.
we had that horrid bingepurge last night. short, but it shook us bad. they always do. at the hospital they kept emphasizing how purging "traumatizes" your body and we scoffed at that, "you're just being dramatic and using scary language." plus we still hate ourselves deep down for using the term "traumatized" for ANYTHING, because of what past unhealthy friendships always seemed to tell us: "the problem is YOU. you DECIDED this was traumatic. YOU'RE the one who was abusive, YOU traumatized ME. I did nothing wrong. YOU'RE the problem." and the worst part is, all of that is true. at least, we believe it is. we were an asshole to those people. we know that. looking at it objectively, detached from whatever we were experiencing, our behavior was terrible. at least, what we remember-- and that was all our mental illness wrecking their lives and ours. but this isn't therapy, i can't get even more upset focusing on that hurt. "you're making it hurt." so much self-damnation. so much condemnation and mockery and ridicule and "invalidation." all "special snowflake" language. we internalized that hard.
but, the hospital said bodies can get traumatized. and the point i'm making here is, after last night, YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
god it was so scary, please, please PLEASE don't ever let that happen to us again.

but our body, today, is in shambles.
our heart keeps skipping and hiccuping. we have a pounding headache that is so bad we can barely see, let alone think. we're so weak it's hard to move. we're exhausted and dizzy and disoriented. we're so tired, even though we slept for like ten hours.
how the heck did we survive the bulimic aspect of this eating disorder for ten hellish years. good lord. literally. if God wasn't white-knuckling us through existence we'd have died very, very fast. thanks god. proof that he cares, the fact that we're alive right now. even if we feel sick and depressed. we're in recovery!! we really are! and that's a good thing to remember. even if the mean parts of our brain don't believe it. don't listen to them. we ARE in recovery. look at how many normal days we have now. look at how much food we're keeping down. "how much food" is right, the mean ones say. "you're a literal glutton now. look how fat and ugly you are. hideous whore."
shut up shut up/

topic shift can't
can't do that now. sorry

deanery penance service at 7pm.
we had to eat dinner at 630 though. breakfast was late? noon i think? let me check the phone
yes 1145. full breakfast, with some extra olive oil to meet macros i guess. everything else totally normal. so that's good.
oh but dinner was at 7pm?? we were that late? wow i wonder why? what happened today?
dinner was normal too. gosh that's really good. i'm glad to just be able to say that. "normal mealplan everything went fine." gosh. it's been over a decade since we could say that i think. it's 2022 now? 2012 oh boy nope we were NOT eating normally at all back then, sorry old friends that year was when stuff started to get really bad, i remmeber that'swhen emmett showed up first. i remember the chocolate cake in the sink day. how bad our consciousness was. losing so many hours. burning the rice. the buckwheat nausea. marik's third incident over the stove. comatose for like two hours. the bloody beets. the running across town to buy rainbow carrots. the soup pots. did we even eat those? we have NO MEMORIES OF EATING from that WHOLE SUMMER. like we know we did, we see the danger signs, like the last week when we were starving and ate all that canned pumplkin and the orange granola which wasnt ours and we hated ourself for it we were so sad but we couldn't stop. we were so sick in the head. why am i typing this? im sorry
examples of how bad it was. no normal at all. fasting all day just drinking kombucha. that awful awful "spiritual newage hellstate" we were in mentall.y bad bad bad. very bad. chaos 0 got them through that day he sat with them on the couch it was nice. and genesis always around. gosh if we didn't have the system i think we would have died then too! sosad all te time. sad. so sad. crying always. called family didnt help. said we deserved this we decided it but we didnt. didnt really understand freewill too much back then. addiction and bad brain stuff made it impossible to actually reason or choose anything clearly. so bad. remember the oatmeal regret. so bad. threw it in the sink so angry so hungry not thinking. scared them. scared them forever they still hate us now i think. we deserve it, we did bad things. remember the day we fell off the cliff. again chaos 0 comforting themon the drive home. all the pain and the music. the happiest they were the entire summer during the day at least. the nights bad bad or heaven nice. depended on if alone or headspace stuff. remember the lights, the clif bar box someone at the whole thing. luna bars. pepperming we still can't look at them. that night so bad. the futon guy next door we still think of him! hope he's happy too.
why why are we unloading past data does it count as "trauma" if we brought it on ourselves
someone says yes please it hurts it was scary i cant look at it more scary things happen than you write
and the loneliness, the empty lonely unloved uncared even when they tried. us like an animal. acting like one. no one saw us as a person we werent a person to them i dont think just a pet just a bad project to fix. always like that. to everyone. never a real person
stop stop shut up stop
not time for this dont want to think about it stop STOP. PLEASE

um
but we're doing better now i promise. we are. live alone. system together. us too! typing again hello!! hi!
not dead i guess. i dont think could die. not physical at leas.t different life. not killed in body because no body hehesecret
srry sligping

ok

what else today

deanery penance service 7pm. late because dinner
father s from olote was there. went to him like we did for lent
he was happy to see us said he missed us at church
asked us to come to bible study on thursday again if we could we said we'd try.
he said... something nice what was it?
he said we were honest. very sincere. had a good heart. said we try very hard to be good and he knows we have faith.
meant a lot to hear. we doubt a lot. always feel bad bad bad.
jewel or jay, main person, stayed and prayed for a while
talked to god about us, all of us, mostly the new people outspacers xe cares for them a lot.

went home 8pm. don't remember what after that

okay i'm gonna stop typing. gonna put a block up after me so someone else can fix this later add to it if you want and remmeber stuf!

thank you for typing letting me
have a good night everybody

prismaticbleed: (angel)

All right, I've been wanting to try doing a daily Scripture devotional on my own, so I've started a 28-day plan and I'll be taking the prompts from there.



DAY 01: THE AUTHORITY OF KING JESUS


Jesus, Who is God, died to give me abundant life, and this was done in total love. He longs to guide me towards new life in His grace, but that grace can only come to the humble! If I stubbornly insist on clinging to "control" in my own life, regardless of how spiritually blind I inevitably am without God's Light, then I will be trapped in a loop of darkness and I will be living a false "life" of death.
I am but a creature; I do not have any power over my own life. Ultimately, everything is in God's hands. Realizing this is actually joyful-- it frees me from the burden of confused lonely struggle apart from Him.
When I willingly submit to His authority as King of all Creation, He responds with deep affection, as the Father He Is, and uses His authority to transform my life into what He wants for me, which is GOODNESS. He will never lead me to sin! Everything He does can be trusted and relied on. To submit to His authority means to have peace, for then you know that your life is in the most capable Hands of all.
However... we still have the gift of free will. Therefore, this total surrender of "control" is effectively a "death to self." We must cooperate with God's control; He will not "take the reins" from us. Relationship is not domineering, it is a shared effort, and to serve anyone-- even a King-- requires a personal act of choice! So we must choose to admit our powerlessness and lack of knowledge, as well as our weaknesses and fears, and say: "God, I want You to be King of my entire life. I want to live not just as Your servant, but also as Your friend. Tell me what I must do to honor and serve You. Thy will be done; not mine." Such a "death to the world" is frightening-- unless we have faith in a life greater than this. When we trust that "there is more to life than this life," and so stop vainly prioritizing temporal and empty things, we do receive abundance of the true life-- of eternal life, which is found only in relationship with God, the King.
That simple statement is profound. God is the Creator and Ruler of everything, including little me. He made me, and the stars, and the sea, and things I cannot even fathom. He became a human being and died in order to save me from death and restore me to communion with Him, and with all of Creation. He is a King, yes, but not like a human king-- God rules with justice and mercy, righteousness and truth, gentleness and courage, compassion and love. I want to serve such a King; I want to worship such a God!
But what does it mean to serve God-- the King of all virtue, Who has supreme authority over all Creation?
Put most simply, to serve Him is to obey His commands, and "the greatest of these is Love." Love God, love your fellow man, and let that define everything. It is as simple-- and as difficult, Lord have mercy on me a sinner-- as that.

So here is the application:
What would it look like to "crown God as King" of the following aspects of my life?

PLANS: whatever I want to do with my day, I must always ask, "how will that glorify God?" Am I being a "good steward" of the gift of time with that planned activity? Will that plan help me to serve God's people in a real way? Will it bring my heart closer to God? OR... is that activity "vain" and without any thought of God? Is it a foolish use of time, with no purpose other than entertainment or distraction? Is that plan detrimental to others, at any point?
For Christ to be King of my plans, I must present every plan TO Him, as if seeking approval for a project. In doing so, I will be conscientious to purify my plans, and avoid unwise decisions.

EFFORTS: similar to plans, what am I working for? When I put energy and time into something, who is it serving-- God, or myself? Is that activity worth the effort? Or is it going to drain me and leave me feeling hollow and disappointed and depressed? Is that effort aimed at eternity, or this fleeting life? Is it something that can disappear in an instant, with no spiritual gain? Or is it something that will benefit my soul-- and the souls of others-- for the glory of God? Is this effort an act of service, or of selfishness? 
For Christ to be King of my efforts, I must work as if He is overseeing the entire project-- as if I must report my activity to Him at the end. I must be accountable. Will my report make Him smile, or will it make Him sad? Remember, He doesn't get "angry"-- He grieves when I do wrong because it hurts me, who He loves!

EMOTIONS: what sort of emotions do I entertain? As a Christian, I "represent" Christ just as a soldier represents his nation. Do my emotions do Him dishonor? Do they scandalize the Christian name? Furthermore, my emotions do not occur in a vacuum; negative ones hurt others, as much as they hurt myself. Am I wounding the Body of Christ in this way?  Do I hold on to anger, resentment, bitterness, rage? Do I pout, complain, whine, and gripe? Do I give in to sorrow, disappointment, despair, melancholy, depression? Am I at the mercy-- or lack thereof-- of shifting emotional states? Do I let my emotions run wild and untamed? Or do I suppress and deny my emotions, practicing psychic dishonesty and refusing to acknowledge the difficulties of life? Do I see emotions such as happiness, peacefulness, playfulness, warmth, and optimism as "weak" or "foolish"? Do I crush positive emotions when they appear, out of judgment or fear? Am I in control of my emotions, or do they control me? 
For Christ to be King of my emotions, I must let Him control them. He is the Prince of Peace and the Lord of Love, and when I focus on Him, He will enable me to feel those benevolent emotions that CAN only occur in truth via grace-- spirits of patience, hope, courage, tenderness, gratitude, humor, wonder, inspiration, love-- and His Light will shine to soothe and scatter all the dark feelings that imprisoned me.

RELATIONSHIPS
: does God come first? Do I enter relationships with mutual growth in holiness as the goal? Do I value my family ties, or do I neglect communicating with my own blood relatives? Do I value friendships, or do I scoff at such interactions? Do I avoid associating with others out of a reluctance to form any ties? Do I "take" from others in relationships, using personal associations for selfish gain or benefit, and never for the good of the other party? Do I refuse to associate with certain groups or classes of people? Do I fake or rush my way through conversations, instead of listening? Do I prioritize my own preferences and wants over the needs of others? Do I consider anyone undesirable or even hateful? Do I seek to repair damage I have done to others, or do I refuse to even admit I am responsible? Do I care for strangers? Do I reach out to the ignored and forgotten? Do I go out of my way to help those who cannot or will not do anything for me in return? Do I purposely cut people out of my life, either through aggression or neglect? Do I "pretend" to be a friend for the sake of social appearances, only to ignore that person in private? Am I warm towards others? Do I comfort those in pain? Do I actively look for ways to help others? Am I a part of my local community? Am I an active member of my church? Do I even know my neighbors? Have I spoken to anyone today? When was the last time you called your father? Do you even know how your siblings are doing? Do you ever offer to help your mother? Who does the world see you as? Have you made any effort to see the rest of the world? If you died today, what would your obituary say? Would anyone come to your funeral? Have you loved people, or just yourself?
For Christ to be King of my relationships, I must seek to imitate Him in each one, for He IS the God OF relationship-- He is part of The Holy Trinity, the heart of God expressed AS relationship. Humankind was created for similar communion: "It is not good for man to be alone." Christ Jesus became a baby and as such He experienced the full range of human society-- he had parents, cousins, neighbors, friends, disciples, enemies, etc. And He loved all of them. He did not shun anyone, or refuse anyone, or push anyone away. He constantly sought to serve others with the utmost care and concern, never shrinking from personal expense or endeavor, always going the extra mile to show love to someone in need. As He is my King, I must reflect that very demeanor in earnest. I, too, must seek human relationships for His sake-- I must be part of human society as an emissary of Christ, as someone who genuinely loves others and wants to be a light in their lives, not for my sake or recognition, but for God's honor, and for their good. Whether with family, or friends, or neighbors, or strangers, or partners, every single relationship in my life must be defined by this higher love-- this seeking of the Kingdom of Heaven, and the endeavor to bring it about within the context of my relationships.

FINANCES: Do I recognize that ALL my money is a gift from God? It is "power," and all power is from Him, and therefore should be used for Him. What am I spending my money on? Am I wasting it on trivial things, on possessions that serve no spiritual purpose? Am I giving money to those who do not have enough? Am I taking care of myself with my funds? Am I a penny-pincher to the point of neglecting both myself and others? Am I a spendthrift to the point of fomenting greed and inclination to luxury? If I had to "send God my receipts," would I be ashamed? Can I give a solid, honorable reason for every transaction? Am I willing to share what I buy with others? Am I willing to sacrifice a purchase for the sake of using that money on someone in need?
For Christ to be King of my finances, He must get the "first cut" of them. I must tithe before I do anything else. I must also be aware of where every dollar goes, and why-- I must be responsible, and accountable. Like time, every penny must be accounted for. And, like Him, I must also give. Money may give one "power" in this world, but it is also just paper. Wealth is meant for the glory of God, Who is the only true Wealth of all things. And remember-- your cash is all on loan. "You can't take it with you," but you will take the record of its use, and THAT is how you "pay God back." He doesn't want the money-- He wants the Good you should be doing with it!

PAST: it cannot be changed. What's done is done, as horrible as it may be. Do I still obsess over it? Do I refuse to forgive myself? Do I constantly replay past hurts over and over in my head? Do I define myself by the sins I have committed? Do I define others by their mistakes and offenses? Do I constantly wish I could rewind time, and forget to live today? Do I hold on to grudges, regrets, traumas, disappointments, and "if only"s? Do I let "what was" blind me to "what IS"?
For Christ to be King of my past, I must leave it in His hands, and trust that if I confess my sins and truly repent, He will forgive even the worst things I have done. The past cannot be erased, but it can be redeemed.

PRESENT: am I "present" for it? Do I take the day for granted? Do I thank God for every new morning, and every new night? Do I put time aside for God every day? Do I see my life as a series of empty motions, of mechanical routines, or as a gift to do good and so help realize the Kingdom of Heaven? Do I see my life as a gift? Do I pray regularly? How do I schedule my time? Do I say daily prayers? What takes up my daily focus and attention? Do I work on building a relationship with Christ, or do I put it off until tomorrow? Am I productive spiritually?
For Christ to be King of my present, He must be at the front of my heart in every moment. He must be before me always, leading my every thought and action, my constant goal and Guide.

FUTURE: is it aimed towards God? Do I have hope for it at all? Am I working towards the Kingdom, or am I stagnating in despair and uselessness? Am I forming habits and patterns that serve the world, or God? Do I have goals and aspirations for my faith life? Can I identify ways I want to grow and change for the better, and am I making efforts towards that end? Do I believe I can be better? Do I believe that there is a life after this one? How often do I think of death? How often do I think of heaven? Do I consider how my actions will affect those around me, and the generations to come? Do I care about the future of humanity? Do I make an effort to improve it, even in little ways? Do I pray for the future of our world? Do I pray for hope? Do I have dreams at all? 
For Christ to be King of my future, He must be the ultimate end I strive for in all things. Even if I can't "see past today," I can still orient my present actions towards good consequences. I must constantly "keep my sights set on eternity" and do all things with that biggest picture in mind. I must remember that one day I will stand before the Just Judge and if I have not lived as His Friend then I will be subject to deserved punishment. I must have hope in His Mercy and live according to it.



"You were not created to be the king of your own life. You were not designed to bear the burden of doing life apart from the lordship of Jesus Christ. And you will never know true peace, joy, purpose, and love until you submit all you are to all God is."
 
PEACE comes from knowing that we have nothing to worry over, or fear, with God leading the way. We can trust completely in His Good Judgment despite all apparent circumstances.
JOY comes from knowing that all God has planned for us is Good, and that no matter what struggles we may face in the process here on earth, following Him will lead us to heaven.
PURPOSE comes from the amazing realization that, in obeying God's Will, we are cooperating with DIVINE Will, the ultimate purpose of all things! All that we do in this respect has an eternal echo.
LOVE comes from the relationship we will be building with God as we obey and serve Him as partners in His plan for our life, AND the greater purpose of REALITY, for we are part of Creation and we are the only creatures that CAN cooperate with Him so consciously & willingly. This privilege alone should inspire love, but the true love, the deepest love, that every human being desires at heart, is known only in response to that love shown by Christ-- a love which motivated Him to be born as a human like us in order to share our lives, and to die for us in order for us to share His life. This is what we can be a part of even now.
 


...Honestly, though, I'm in too much of "religious mode" with all this. I need to stop doing that. I HAVE to be HONEST about all this AS MYSELF, not as a "proper persona". That cuts out all the actual spiritual progress with this.
That's why I quit Tumblr; I wasn't actually living my faith; I was just preaching.
I might have to redo this some other time, in a different context.
I'll see how I progress with this devotion. I definitely need to approach it from a different angle.
Still, I am glad I am putting this effort forward. No effort dedicated to God is ever wasted. He will use this, too, for the good of our soul. I do have faith in that. But... I do have to ask Him to, as well. Relationship is key; He can't be "my King" if He's just "in the background."
So... God, help me to do better in all these respects. Help me to actually, really, seek to serve You and Your Kingdom of Love & Truth in ALL the facets of my existence, especially inside, which I did not discuss here at all.
Help my faith. Help it to be complete, not half-hearted, pun intended.
Help me to focus my life on You, even if it's not as blatantly as through a devotional like this. I want You to be part of everything, not just as a King, but as a friend. I really do want that. Please, I pray, help me with that.
Jesus, help me to know You better, because only then-- only through such love-- will I be able to serve You as You deserve.


121722

Dec. 17th, 2022 08:37 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
 
(disjointed entry. very unfinished. need to post anyway because we're falling into neglect)


 
Woke up feeling disgusting 
Our sleep has been so disturbed lately.
 
Case manager phone call, asked how we were doing, mainly therapy i think
Got the guts to message rep payee afterwards, explained our fear of punishment, told her what bills we had to pay, stuttered the entire time. but did it!
 
Went to Walmart to buy cayenne mainly 
Determined to do it. scalpel kept saying "you don't have to, we can wait until monday" but i said nah, this was better-- i felt so cruddy from the morning that doing some little act of affection for a fellow system member should help get my brain back in a better position, at least on that note.
 
car songs on shuffle: It Bites (Castles) & Everything Everything (Breadwinner; the song we "met" Scalpel through)
Played some league tunes when we lost internet on the way home; but felt acute embarrassment? afraid of being "mocked & jeered" if anyone "heard them"
 
Breakfast at 1pm 
so so hungry. waited too long. 
even so. definitely worth the trip to get the spicy stuff restocked. system focus. no regrets in that regard.
 
Xennie talking to Laurie 
Knowledge of growing up vs innocence of childhood: i asked if she regretted it
"Both yes and no" = although she didn't like knowing about bad things, now she knows about the people who suffer from them, and so now she can truly love them where they are, as they are, and understand their pain, and truly care. She couldn't love them in totality without that understanding. She couldn't fight for them 
"Laurie maybe that's why the Spectrum us letting you know more things now. So you can love people more completely, and you can understand what you're fighting for." 
 
Mimic point-blank asking about what are these "God's promises" we keep mentioning? Especially the Bible app, everyone references them but never explains. Made me think; I actually didn't know either? 
he ALWAYS asks. always sticks around for faith-talk because 1. it's the focus of our system life and 2. the first day he talked to me in the car, that ended up coming up as a topic. me explaining my values of mercy and forgiveness and such. i remember how contrary he was, haha. he takes nothing at face value and on that first day it was ticking me off, to be blunt. like i got legit angry at how he insisted at picking apart everything i said, playing "devil's advocate" as it were and refusing to "just nod along" to what i said. we were basically arguing by the time i got back to the apartment. but... honestly, i was so glad. i was so happy he had his edges still. he wouldn't be him without them. yes i wanted to see him having a different future. brighter, better. but that takes time, and effort, and free choice. it's a lot of work and a lot of love. he's not a "project" or an "achievement" like a lot of people do when they proselytize and stuff. i'm not interested in that, i'm interested in sharing the heart of our system and offering a space in it for him if he wants. but yeah, faith is intrinsic to us. and god knows i am trying VERY HARD to be a "good example" of the values i discuss, WHILE admitting every time i fail miserably. trying very hard. he's gone from "eavesdropping" and making froward comments, to asking cutting questions, to just wanting to listen, to actually sitting with us and joining the discussion.
it means a lot. geez we really need to get the other outspacers in on this. i wonder why mimic's the first one. wonder why i feel more strongly attached to him than i ever expected to, even when he's a pain in the ass, haha. i care deeply about him though.
 
Anyway. I started thinking aloud about the whole "promise" thing, trying to voice what I understood so far, what I didn't, and what we would need to clarify. Transparency of process.
I mused that, since God IS Truth, everything He says IS True as well. So, by virtue of that fact, if God says He is going to do something, that IS a "promise," even if it's not stated as such! Like when Jesus says, in essence, "I am going to prepare a place for you, so that you can be with Me where I am." That's a promise. It's not just a statement. If He said it, He WILL do it. And... I never thought of it like that before.
I've started an empty notefile on the phone to copy+paste any and all instances I find of that in Scripture as I read it. I know there are websites online, listing "God's promises," but... in the past they always felt weirdly distant? detached? It never helped me understand, let alone appreciate. So... I'm doing this effort myself. That's vital in the faith, really-- you can't outsource any relationships, especially not the one you must have with your Creator for heavens sakes. That's the most personal thing ever, inevitably, but... we don't think of it as such, we humans, not typically. I know I sure haven't. It's all so new to me. My upbringing in the faith was not very nice, or explanatory, or even kind. Lots of fire & brimstone. Lots of platitudes and "Jesus loves you!" but also "Jesus doesn't want to look at you because He's disgusted with your sins" etc etc. Prayer as punishment, faith as a letter grade, you get the picture. I only HAVE faith now because of the System.
 
I ended up paraphrasing Adam & eve, vs Christ, in terms of life vs death, knowledge being godly only when tied to Wisdom? "Being like God" means power AND love, Adam & eve WERE already like God in a better sense than knowledge & strength alone
The only power that endures is power of the heart, it CANNOT be taken away from you 
"Spiritual genetics" = Adoption into God's family; Incarnation "reprogrammed" humanity the same way Adam did, passed on through BLOOD 
 
"You can't be reborn into a new life without dying to the old one"
 
After breakfast, crashed hard energy-wise. Sat down and tried to find another Picrew generator to use.
We scrolled through fifty bloody pages but there was SO much ugly art. i'm sorry but honestly it was repulsive. misshapen and lazy and sloppy.
Got super depressed looking at it. plus disgusting suggestive ads all over the site. tried to avoid them but they were everywhere. made us nauseous and furious.
so fed up with the internet, and the apparent "creative atmosphere" of it. the stupid fads and memes and aesthetics. wanted to just go offline forever and forget all that garbage exists.
 
Late for church as a result. crashed our mood even more
 
Got home, immediately biked for 90m
Said joyful rosary
Picture trouble? we apparently saved every picture we stumbled across of the mysteries and many of them are detrimental. pictures where mary & the angels are scowling, or with expressions that seem smug or disgusted or completely hollow. that is not what we need to see when praying.
Need to clean up those folders, ONLY keep files where people show actual emotion and/or are portrayed in a sincere and beautiful manner. so so tired of "white american blonde girl mary" too. that's a big reason why we never liked her as a child/teen, i will confess that. we were actually scared of her and a little angry too? didn't like how she always looked. felt threatening and gross. mary mom i'm sorry but it was the trauma junk. but then we started seeing orthodox pictures of her, and images of "our mother of sorrows" and "our lady of la salette" and we loved her. suddenly she looked good and caring and okay. amazing what art can do to our brain.
but yeah too much judgment being dragged up from our disturbed soul looking at those upsetting works of art, with the bad faces and stuff. Really getting sick of my brain w this
 
Listened to some Spotify after, still biking.
 
Dinner prep talking to Chaos 0
somehow ended up about the "moon" analogy i read about years ago? how, according to some, "enlightenment" (aka "the correct way of thinking") is when you look at the moon and just see the moon. no other thoughts. and i was saying how that actually infuriated me, or actually broke my heart, same feeling different interpretation... because it felt so callous? and if that was "wisdom" then god let me be stupid. because some people look at the moon and see other things. they see memories, or symbols, or ideas. and so many people look at the moon, and the beauty of it makes them remember the beauty of someone they love. and i said i never got that, the moon never affected me as such, but i ended up thinking about how the moon and the ocean are connected, among other things, etc etc. Trying too hard to talk. not sure what i wanted to say, so disturbed from the day so far. i kept mixing myself up. but i was trying.
chaos stopped me at one point, i was apologizing and in frustrated tears. he said jewel it's okay, he knows i love to use words but reminded me how i love to say that his "native language" is emotion, the heart of things. and he could feel what i was trying to verbalize, even if it wasn't translating. then... he compared it to waiting for rain. he said he could "sense" the feeling in me like you can scent lightning, or water in the air, and how you feel the breeze picking up and all. the clouds moving in. and the whole time, all this is dancing around the reality of rain, and you know it will happen, but when? a few raindrops fall but still you wait. it's not quite here yet. but it's not a bad waiting, it's a joyful waiting. and he said that's what it's like for him, listening to me talk paragraphs around one little precious core of an emotion. that one sentence i'm trying to build up to and conclude with. and he doesn't mind the waiting because he loves everything about the process. and he loves me.
...that moved me so, so much. he rarely says things so deep to me-- he's more of a listener, a feeler-- but when he does, man i remember it forever. it hits me right between the ribs. god bless him he's amazing
 
Dinner at 715
Studying 1 Corinthians 13 w Chaos 0, Xenophon, & Mimic 
Called Laurie over for verse 7 NIRV
"[Love] always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes. It never gives up."
Verse 10 TPT had CZ in tears 
"Our present knowledge and our prophecies are but partial (in fragments)... but when love’s perfection arrives, the partial will fade away."
 
Cleaned up quickly, got breakfast ready for church
Thinking of further altering the diet plan? Less fiber (we're at 50g currently geez), only 1400k? Want to lose some of the excess weight, to decrease the disturbing dysphoria 

Found ONE nice picrew after getting everything ready for bed. hated how i had "ragequit" and wanted to give it another chance. always that hope of mine. "i don't want to end this on a bad note, i am sure there is still good in this, i just need to find it." and i did. thank you lord
ultimately stayed up until 2am making avatars of system people god bless
went on scherzando for a while, couldn't remember what jeremiah used to wear specifically? and wanted to check. ended up melting my heart from how much i miss everyone, how much i love everyone, it just crashed into me so hard.
spent a solid hour just looking through old innerworld photos with Laurie, Lynne, & Julie 
So so happy. I miss this, I miss us. all of us. the beauty of our shared life. the beauty of the light and love we are all living testaments to, no matter how much darkness we've faced.
actually felt more hope than i have in... probably years. dead serious.
i will post the pictures once i clean up this entry, and maybe edit the pictures? color options are limited so they're not entirely accurate and accuracy is vital. we'll see.

bravely put Celebi's anchor plush back on the bed.

ah. you guys don't know about that yet.
let me quick update to elaborate on later.
 
After yesterday's update, as we got ready for bed, we ended up talking to Celebi.
I forget how it came up. I was talking to Laurie, Chaos 0, Infinitii I think, and Scalpel??
But...
...I mentioned the "other child."
The blue one.

We think it's hers.

She's always, always had that egg from the future. Now we know why.

I don't think I ever mentioned the other "potential children," did I? At least, not in recent years. Xenophon was the first-- the embryo found in the bloody sink. But there were two more, one found in a paintblot, and the other found in the same sink as Xennie i think? it's not written down. but pareidoliac revelations, each one entire and sudden and hitting hard as a punch to the gut. like i see it and i know. there's always a knowing, i recognize it, it's different from how other things are sensed-- nousfoni, outspacers, moralimon, etc. these little creatures feel completely different from everything else and that "ping" hits inside. like i feel it pull at my heart. and i know, as terrifying as that conviction is, that they are tied to me somehow.

...it's an awful, awful topic. i can't discuss it here, not completely. not now.
but... with all the years of abuse and trauma, and all the hope i still have, all the love i have despite the absolute horror... well. faith is a thing. and i know this stuff exists for a reason. and that's the reason.
so deep down, i have this iron will that all that misuse gets redeemed, no matter what.
the graves are one thing. they were mournful penance for loss, for the sins endured and allowed and enabled, reminders of the death i was causing by my refusal to fight back.
but... there was never anything to fix or repair the abuse of something sacred in my own right.
god knows i tried too hard to "get things right" and just ended in disaster. can't talk about that.
even so. heart was in the right place, technically. wanting to "get the pink color back." purify it. heal it.
all the memories locked away.
but. prayers, always. "god please make something good come out of all that disaster anyway. i know you can. only you can. please. bring light from that darkness anyway."
and
well, xenophon was found.
and now the others are being remembered.

sorry. not doing this justice. brain refusing to get near the trauma memories. disjointed.

but yeah. huge revelation. been keeping it to myself for like two, three days now.
told celebi tonight. like the old days with jayce, she took it hard. very emotional. yelled at me for a bit. but didn't run away. tried to, stopped. said she needed to process this. lots of tangled emotions. understandable.
said she wants to talk to me about it personally soon.
not sure if she mentioned old memories or not. i should find them in the archives anyway. i think that's the only way this "child" will ever come to term as it were. otherwise it will stay in this state forever, or die. probably the latter, now that it's been "realized" as a child, completely out of the blue. now if the attention and concern fades, so will its tiny life. i refuse to let that happen. refuse.
celebi has it in that egg. she first tried to give it to infinitii, to hold in hir bodysphere, but then decided no, i want to carry it. need to come to terms with the reality of it. i think she'll manage that better than me, i haven't thought about it at all, totally cut off from that part of our core history

exhausted. going to sleep.
will refine this later when our brain is working.


prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

It dazzles me. Heaven REJOICES when I ask for help to change my ways. The angels celebrate when a sinner repents, even just a little. The Father waits and watches, day & night, for His Child to come home. The Son actively searches out the lost coin, the lost sheep, no matter how others may mock & jeer, scorning Him for caring about such a trivial, expendable, worthless thing. God doesn't think so. God loves every dusty penny & wandering lamb. He kisses the filthy sinner and embraces him without fear or shame. God's Love looks diligently for even the slightest "excuse" to shower mercy & compassion upon us. So when we come TO Him, frightened & unsure & hesitant, He runs to meet us with grateful laughter & tears of joy.
So... here I am. I fear being punished for my sins but You are already thrilled that I'm just standing here! "But only say the word," we pray. "Lord, if You wish, You can make me clean." I'm begging. Perhaps I technically don't need to but that's how I feel. Here I am, asking again. Heal me. Change my heart. I'm tired of being the bad guy. I'm sick of feeling broken & evil & wrong.
Deep down I'm so frustrated I want to shout, "why don't You just shut me off & fix me?" Why do I sometimes pray for help for years and don't see any progress-- or even instead see myself get worse? But that's not Your fault. Sometimes-- well, most times, to be blunt-- my pain & anger blinds me to Your gentle & quiet Work, Your secret small miracles. And I apologize sincerely for my foolish ignorance. I pray You don't hold it against me, this aching frustration, this ardent want to BE A BETTER PERSON and feeling like... like You're just telling me "try harder. Not my fault you keep choosing to sin." But You wouldn't say that. I CAN'T try without You. And You KNOW my freewill is pretty busted-up by trauma & addiction. I NEED Your Help, always. I need You right now, or I will die, and You know THAT, too. So please, help me! Correct my stupid thoughts, soothe my frenetic mind, quiet the fires of anger & agony! Change my heart to be like Yours! Please, please, I don't want to be like this anymore.
Is that being pushy?  Or do You cherish the persistence of hope, of some feeble but dogged faith that fuels every return trip?
I desperately hope You do. Deep down, I know You do. That's what Love does-- it wants to see those it loves in the best possible state of heart. If I didn't keep coming back in prayer, if I lost hope, I know You wouldn't just let me go, either-- You'd come looking for me! You'd give me so many amazing coincidences & blessings to guide me back to You.
But... the delay is part of the response. Making me wait strengthens my faith & trust & patience. Making me wait makes me realize that holiness is a PROCESS, not a button You push. Grace has to flood me slowly. My heart has to fill up with the blesses rain and that takes a while of getting soaked to the bone in inclement weather. Everything is from Your hands. You don't turn me away with mine empty, either, even if I'm too distracted to notice.
Every prayer I've ever prayed, every tear I've shed, every heartbroken plea & despairing shout, You have heard and written down in Your Book. Just like our Archives, I'm sure You read them often, always with the most tender care & devoted dedication-- You answer me every time. Even if it's a "no," there's always a redirect to a different, God-given "Yes." Even if it takes YEARS for a "yes" to manifest, even if I don't see or hear or feel a thing... You answer. You are answering right now. You love me, and You never stop working for my eternal Good.
So... remind me of that, God, when I come running back to collapse on my knees before You, weeping & raging & tangled up inside. When I beg You for healing, please, help me to trust in Your sacred silence, the same silence that makes flowers bloom and stars wheel in the sky. It is the silence of sunrise and snowfall and secrets held in the heart. Time, softened & slowed in those moments, sings a song to Your hidden glory. There is Forever, here, even in the waiting, even in the pain. The world is still turning. God is still holding You in His Heart. Wait in peace. Trust Him. He is answering You. The Good will come exactly when it's supposed to, and if you look with a little love, you will find it is already, always, here.


prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Father God, You want us to ask You for help in our battles & struggles. Jesus told us to ask for "whatever is in accordance with the Gospel"-- for the things that will help us love & obey You better, to serve Your people, to be Your servants of mercy & soldiers of righteousness in this dark world.
...But I'm so afraid, Lord. I'm so afraid of people, and of myself. I cannot do Your Will with these awful terrors raging in me. I'm blinded by desperate rage, crippled by panic & loathing. It's literally hell, and I want to get out. I need to.
So, Lord, that's all I know how to ask. Help me to get out of hell. I don't know how to do it. You do. Whatever it takes, please, help me. Help me to forgive all the grudges I don't even realize I'm keeping. Help me to soften my heart so that softness in others doesn't disgust me. What a horrible confession! But I'm laying it all out before You, because I know You CAN fix me; You CAN restore my soul to light but You need ALL the diseased parts laid bare first. So cut me open with Your grace. Show me where the cancer is and then remove it, I beg You. Teach me to love. Teach me to see goodness in all things. Teach me mercy & compassion. Teach me not to judge. Give me the courage & hope & faith in You that I need even just to step outside my door. Help me, please, to cherish Your people, as You do. I don't want to "care in concept." I don't want my "good deeds" to be superficial and performative. I don't want to be friendly & social just for the sake of appearances & obligation. No. I want to CARE. I want a tender heart. I want to cheer people up & remind them of the sunshine & rainbows despite every storm cloud, & I also want to help them to treasure the rain. I want to be a good friend, a REAL friend, helping wishes come true & working to give the best of luck. I want to love people, a lot. You get the idea. I want to be like Jesus, as much as Your Grace will enable & allow me to. I want to bring Jesus TO people, through my life, because what good is my existence otherwise?
Lord I need help. I implore You, on my knees and in tears, forgive my foolish emotional sins. Forgive my red-tinged ranting from the pain. Forgive my acerbic outbursts. Forgive me, please, but even moreso than that-- yes, moreso!!-- help ME to forgive. I cannot do so on my own. Open my heart. Move my spirit to sincere affection. Let me see with Your Eyes. Teach me to love. Then, only then, can I honestly be forgiven. Have mercy on me, O Lord. Help me to show that same mercy to others, the EXACT SAME, radical & total & sincere.
...I'm depending on You, Lord. Please help me, quickly. I will die without Your healing touch. I will rot & burn to death inside. Come to my aid and rescue my soul from the pit! I want to be filled with Your Light. I want to shine it for others, for Your glory. Jesus help me to be like You, and to choose love no matter what. Amen.


121422

Dec. 14th, 2022 11:43 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

(extremely unfinished and disjointed entry. inevitable. will refine later. again, not publishing this would be actively trying to hide. can't do that.)



Up at 945?
Store dream, at night, empty, forced to do lots of work. typical.
old classmate was there, steph s. flirting with me? surprised me, didn't see myself as even likeable

Bed a mess. everything pulled out and bunched up. how the heck did i even sleep
threw it all on the floor. Blanket pile for Xennie 

Chumble spuzz talk 
forget what triggered it??
talking about taking care of grandma when she was dying. how that was giving her dignity and respect.
touched on the importance of the Incarnation in this respect. "God not afraid to get involved in all the humiliating things that humans are cursed with," yet it didn't corrupt or taint him. the staggering depth of a love willing to literally become almost animal in order to divinize us wrecks.

Kettlebell reminder 
30 reps! getting better
TWO full chinups now, working on three

Breakfast prep
Mimic stepped in to hang out, i was thankfully happy to see him, that's progress for me too. also shows i'm in a better state of mind to not be overwhelmed instantly by the "threat" of interaction or paying attention to people

we're out of cayenne pepper haha. scalpel & phlegmoni so bummed. spice said we'll get more, they actually high-fived
this is cracking me up, i never ever expected them to become friends, why are they bonding over spicy things, it's the funniest thing

Hearing lewd comments & jokes while we talked?
THE YELLOW GLASSES GUY
Laurie "found him" instantly and dragged him into openspace
Thought she was gonna kill him
apparently yellow/orange were FUNCTION PUSHING ON LYNNE??? forced her to do THEIR job??
Lynne walked over & PUNCHED him 
"so you're the reason why i ended up dead???"

also ANOTHER girl-- "sunny"??? MATCHES THE OLD UNIDENTIFIED "RECOLOR" AVATAR-- is orange, and deals with the meme-forcing??? SO MUCH INTERNALIZED GARBAGE.

JEZEBEL CAME BACK????
we heard another "commenter" speak up but awful language, we tried to "pinpoint" them and they SHOWED UP??
TOOK JULIE'S OLD LOOK?? roughly but notably & shocking. but ALL BLACK.
THREATENED TO TAKE RED.
I nearly went INSANE. 
Scared everyone. literally losing humanshape. crackling like shattered glass and fire. would have ripped her to shreds
Mimic STEPPED IN. jezebel sneered, threatened him to attack her 
He almost did. definitely wanted to. Then put knife down, smirked and just says "No." 
Briefly said why. Cowardice vs fighting. Doing what she wanted vs standing ground & refusing, no power over him. 
(Added later that he was also shook by the "nobody stays dead if they're supposed to be alive" thing; with the function debate he refused to take the risk of making her LOOK invincible; his refusal was actually victory) 

Laurie still walked over & buried her axe in jezebel's skull
Mimic was like wtf, I just took a stand and you do this??
She said her violence worked differently with her function. Force resets remember. 
Jezebel glitching but wouldn't reset. Felt horrifically disturbing. 

Infi went eldritch and ATE HER.
Blood spilling from between teeth. Everyone in shock. 

SPIT HER OUT. 
she was too tarry. bright red lipstick standing out. furious screaming at infi. too corrupt to transmute????

Infi locked her & yellowguy in bubbles
Mimic thought about prisons, how he hated being stuck in them, said should we do something else? explained "if i hate it i shouldn't make others do it". still weird of him to ask. maybe flashback motive
We said sorry but no, they're in there for their good AND ours. They will only be let out if they prove they won't be malevolent

Blackdress girl function splinter?? "don't kill me please" thought she was the e.d. girl???
Immediate glitchout, was that even a person? or just a temporary "form" made by the systemind in this unstable state??
Laurie like wtf is this 

Discussion with Infi & Julie 
they abandoned their old jobs (rejecting the sexuality terror) BUT apparently those dark functions STILL must be held by someone for AWARENESS & TRANSMUTATION
Ironic but true 

I attempted to put jezebel into plague cell? But feared further corruption 
I tried to find "grayspace" but doesn't exist???
CELEBI & HOOPA SHOWED UP
Space portal & timelock. WORKED. Felt them put "on hold", safe
Laurie commented "since when are you two bipedal"
"Since we're not really Pokémon anymore"; want new lives, no thievery for hoopa
"Now you guys gotta get new names" 
honestly though i haven't seen hoopa in over a year i think, so glad he's still around

couple people spoke up after this
knife and razor had been literally hovering at the sidelines with their weapons, razor didn't attack because "it would have been bloody" and knife doesn't like actual aggression
caught a glimpse of algorith and sugar in the background too
leon sobbing to me later, he had been mia for the whole thing, he took out his pistol and just sobbed "it would have been so quick" but he couldn't. too much terror
chaos 0 had been literally physically & mentally held back by rio and markus
"if they hadn't i would have gone perfect"
remember he still picks up my emotions and I was feeling MANIACAL RAGE.
 

No breakfast until 130 because UNEXPECTED 40M HEADSPACE "FIELD TRIP" WITH LEON
From 1250 to 130? 
apparently we can ONLY do this when we're FASTING.
that explains the constant "visions" during college when we would never eat
god how much have i LOST by that sugarshock hell of an inpatient stay????
feel like a walking corpse now. don't care that i'm a "healthy weight" you're killing my SOUL

anyway
leon concerned about how his color "slips" when he's distraught? which is "normal" but still dangerous. he wanted to "feel out" the other blue-group hues to see if he does resonate with them or not.
 
SO.
WE VISITED SO MANY COLOR REALMS
met him in indigo, it's still snow and stone and mist and ice and incense smoke and graveyards. high altitude. quiet. gorgeous. remember the crucifix in his church is coming OUT OF THE TOMB and jesus has his arms reaching out. like the resurrection but still anchored TO the cross. "mercy" feeling. oddly very indigo. deeply moving.
we first went to SAPPHIRE??? one huetone down. place still mostly unformed but vibe is CLEAR. nienna was there!! couldn't really talk though as she's technically a social & internal interaction will break her function. realm apparently "belongs to" bakura (rio)??? really nice vibe actually. oddly comfortable. makes me think of starmaps for some reason
then HARBOR. still feels like dishonored, haha. didn't stay long; that color holds ALL our fears about blue tones, so it hasn't been explored at all
next was BLUE, still looking like it used to with all the led lights and technology-glow vibes. and WALDORF MET US THERE!! hugged leon so hard, she said "i missed you too, neighbor!" they talked briefly. i remember when we left i offhandedly mentioned we didn't eat yet and she jokingly offered me a waldorf salad. i had to laugh, absolute childhood memories there. she said "oh wait you can't have walnuts" and i said that's fine i don't like sweet things anyway. "ah well more for me then" she replied. her eyes are still red btw. hair not cyberlox anymore, they're the kerrigan alien-dreads like they were originally. she's gone ENTIRELY back to her roots and i can tell she's living now. so important for us all to do that i think. find our hearts. before the horror happened.
then SKY? kyanos was there, sitting away from us at a distance, looking at the sea. place still looks like santorini
then CYAN. whitespace!!! unformed. leon had me focus on it and it STARTED TO FORM WHILE WE WERE THERE. all icy mountains and actual glowy-ice glacier bits. total childhood vibe. no buildings, just crags and freeze. felt weirdly safe and dangerous all at once. exhilarating. jewel would love it
then AQUA. place is kind of unstable yet? chaos 0 met up with us, we were discussing his unusual color "shifting" over the years YET he is still tied to aqua?? more resonant with his SI existence
then we tried to go to LIME but we FORGOT IT SHIFTED, it's now "SPRING" and there is a NEW "CHARTREUSE" hueslot. the distinction was vital; there are CLEARLY DIFFERENT VIBES to them both. celebi was there, she helped us "get the vibe" correctly as she's apparently STILL in charge of it. spring is all sunlit leaves & childhood forests. pure joy feeling. everything new & warm & open? not like GREEN, that's deep forest. odd that cel has this one but it's how she feels in headspace, what life was like when we met her. total joy.
took us to CHARTREUSE anyway. yes it's a fear hue. all open fields and summer bug sounds. childhood anxiety.
leon didn't want to go to GREEN because he's still not ready to think about nathaniel's death
so we went back up
stopped at VIOLET. almost pitch dark. very unformed. still resonates with churches at night & monkshood flowers though. wondering if aconitum is alive or not. no ping
then PURPLE, absolutely stunning. still nighttime mountains and stellar galaxy sky. i pinged Laurie and she joined up. talked about her realm design for a bit, i noted there's snow on the ground, she said yeah because we're on a mountaintop but also "because of you." really touching. then she added "plus it's sparkly which is awesome" laurie i love you don't ever change
then PINK, the church & graves are still there too, and the gazebo with the cherry blossoms. notably a white "glare" around everything. could "feel" the underground below it. disturbing how it's connected THERE. makes sense though, what with all the abuse in this hue for over a decade
skipped MAGENTA. felt too unstable. no defined qualities yet. don't want to risk trauma triggers either, pink realms are volatile in that regard for previously mentioned reasons
tried to go to CERISE? echoes of eros there. but he's gone. nc utterly annihilated him tbh. the place still has a solid vibe though. NONSEXUAL thank god. but still overwhelmingly sensual. very dangerous place. but important.
then bravely attempted "RED-VIOLET" but like cyan it's still whitespace. cannot form yet, it's too unstable. only one person we know for sure holds it and that's bruise, who we haven't seen since the ER
lastly went to RED??? skipped BLOOD but could feel the difference; i THINK it's anchored into razor's cisterns now?? anyway blew my mind to go to red, technically it should be "my realm" but SCALPEL runs it. with the retrowave grid skies and all. BUT that's the "BLACK" side???? apparently it CAN "flip" to WHITE and THAT'S when you get the white stairways and roses everywhere?? still totally unformed. bizarrely tied to SKY. thinking of cz & i with that, surprised but not. anyway definitely merits further investigation.
leon said he wanted to bravely try the other warmer hues.
YELLOW is inaccessible completely, it's not even whitespace, just a total blur
AMBER is also blurry. slight resonances, tied to Genesis who is the "main" for it technically. but unformed too.
ORANGE is totally inaccessible
VERMILION is the marywood music building???? not surprised but WOW. lynne got called in! she was so surprised to see not only the realm but this whole gang of us visiting, haha. gave everyone a hug. she said she'd shift us over to BROWN because she "was used to going there with spine."
BROWN is, inexplicably, like our dad's parent's old house. same vibe. indoors, old wood, aged, quiet. fascinating. i know other things vibe strongly with brown-- notably coffeeshops-- but that didn't register as the main realm aesthetic? why so? gotta investigate the definitions.
briefly tried to visit "SPRUCE" or whatever is forming between green & aqua. sheer evergreen right now. leon laughed "just as i expected"

did NOT go near any achrome realms because those are literally dangerous to visit.
also not wanting to risk accidentally unfreezing those negative nousfoni from earlier
no archivist-space either. WONDERING about that. ARE there "gold" and "silver" AND "copper" realms??? and wtf is up with grayspace now that sherlock died??? gotta look into ALL of this, i'm actually really excited, like my life is coming back with all the hues

went back to indigo briefly. leon sat down on the doorstep by his church, half indoors half outdoors, said he felt so "at home" here.
at some point he commented on my holding red??? i think before the whole warping thing; we were alone.
we were worried about jezebel's threat. then leon said, maybe there's legitimacy to that? because he pointed out, right now i'm making laurie's mistake. i'm holding EVERYTHING about red, good and bad, whether i realize it or not, BECAUSE i'm the only one. blood and strawberries and roses and even jezebel's threat of slinky red dresses. too many conflicting vibes. no expanded or nuanced definitions, except for BLOOD, and so EVERY "red" nousfoni is getting shoved in THERE??? which is kinda scary because ALL bloods are basically WEAPONIZED. it's a retributor realm. so any potential RED who ISN'T of that vibe WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO EXIST??? because i'm holding EVERYTHING in myself for some reason. me and jewel, arugably. it was severely hampering the hue expression AND screwing with my psyche. maybe there should be actively negative RED nousfoni so we can DEAL with those aspects and manage them??? instead of it all being shunted over to me? wondering about that
leon said he "needs more indigos" in any case. the vibe is SOLID in the league but there are few nousfoni with it? strange. have to reflect on this more

god i miss headspace events so much. i felt so ALIVE and REAL.
how did we go for years without this??? no wonder we felt dead.

finally ate breakfast god bless we were getting dizzy
hate that. want to keep fasting and meditating. but body needs fuel especially after last night

Talking to Mimic & Phlegmoni about 1 Peter 5:6-7 

Xenophon "yelled at me" over breakfast with the tea spilling and dissociative-compulsive behavior
She felt so bad, crying & apologized.
Me, Chaos 0 & Laurie all had to reassure her it was OK, she was actually proving how much she loved us & wanted us to do well BY being brave & concerned enough to call me out on what she saw as unhealthy or unsmart behavior. Genuinely thanked her for that. 

xenophon LAUGHING SO MUCH over the fortune cookie "learn chinese" trio today. we got "see a doctor," then "headache", then... "beer." plugged this all into google translate
"ๅŒป็”Ÿ่ฏดไฝ ๅคด็—›ๆ˜ฏๅ› ไธบไฝ ๅ–ไบ†ๅคชๅคšๅ•ค้…’ใ€‚"
 honestly we were in stitches. i don't think i've laughed that hard in months.
 
4pm got on bike
Said divine mercy chaplet AND a glorious mystery rosary using our phone images for meditation; worked FLAWLESSLY.
some of the images are so, so moving. i want to type about them; remind me.
took 30m almost exactly.
then decided to spend the next 90m watching that "penitent man" movie for the heck of it.
well.
i'm glad we watched it before i went to bed because when it ended i was SEETHING AND MISERABLE.
movie was nothing special. predictable plot, mostly dialogue shots.
REALLY upsetting and disappointing "jesus wasn't divine" garbage shock-value bit. expected this what with the hindu/buddhist imagery everywhere. pissed me off.
BUT this ironically proved how jesus is divine irl because the guy said, without religion, humanity became absolutely lost and depraved. "when you put the power of god into a person's hands, they stop believing in anything but themselves." basically. hit hard.
MAJOR dialogue bit on the importance of love as like the SOLE OPPOSING FACTOR to this depravity, and how "relationships require constant attention" and if you aren't "giving enough of yourself" they WILL COLLAPSE. so relevant to our collective life lately. guy talking teared up then, about how his wife said "she didn't love him anymore" (i hate that phrase, it's so cruel and callous and twisted, that's NOT HOW LOVE WORKS) and left him because he hadn't been spending time with her or talking with her. so despite her response, really she was reacting to his actions that were starving her of love to begin with. so in a way, yeah, her response made sense. her heart had become cold and hard because he stopped sharing any warmth. and he didn't realize that until it was too late. he forgot to kiss her one day and then couldn't remember when he had last kissed her at all. heartbreaking. that show of emotion was the ONLY time he really opened up and it slammed into me like a truck.
also huge emphasis on "money as the root of all evil" with this movie which was so so so depressing but still. a vital warning.

but. the frickin WOMAN.
i regret to inform everyone that i apparently STILL have a HELLTON of VIOLENT TRAUMA-BASED MISOGYNY.
like i am legit terrified of women. TERRIFIED. especially white women, almost exclusively so actually. they scare me on some gut-deep level, especially their presentation-- their shape, the horrible soft and roundness, that traumatic smell, the faces they make, the crackly squeaky voices, their "baby obsession," the identical hairstyles and facial expressions. yes i know this is ugly ugly talk but darn it i am trying VERY hard to confess all my garbage and i haven't felt THIS much vitriol since SALT LAKE CITY. i am genuinely shocked it never came up in nc. probably because poor mel was closeted trans, and presenting as overtly feminine at times, while tbas was NOT feminine at ALL, thank God, I doubt I could have survived otherwise. but even though i legit loved mel and still do, it was, and apparently still is, the features of femininity that i have a kneejerk problem with. even in effeminate men. something in me actually HATES it, and I am frightened to admit that. not dislike, not disgust, not loathing even. HATRED. absolute maniacal rage-burning HATE. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THAT.
it's terrifying. WHY DO I FEEL THIS. it's like... it's dehumanizing. i had to cover the screen with my hand EVERY time the guy's wife showed up because some sick part of my psyche wanted to literally throttle her. and why? because of the FACES she kept making and the way she talked and that feminine skin. i kept hyperfocusing my furor on that. it's clearly a trauma response. if there is one thing that will INSTANTLY turn me into a lethiferous maniac it's a notably female body. i am so scared of them. i think i even HATE them. god forgive me but if i so much as see a woman's hand in an online photo, all soft and rounded, or see their facial texture on a movie closeup, and i remember what that texture feels like and smells like i will want to take a freaking KNIFE TO THE SCREEN. i am so sorry but it's true. i lose all sense of decency and mercy and even empathy. i forget that's a person. all i see is DANGER, DANGER, HORROR, EVIL, DISGUSTING, EVIL, GET IT AWAY, GET RID OF IT FOREVER, HATE HATE HATE DANGER FRIGHTENED DESTROY. absolutely hysterical. but it all translates into violence. sheer bestial ferocity. terrifying to admit but true. and yet none of it is personal. the hatred has nothing to do with them as a person because i can't see the person. heck i might even LOVE the person. but when i'm this unhinged and scared, all i see are those physical qualities and patterns that KEEP HAPPENING it's like a VIRUS. i'm talking about THIS AND THIS. a deeper, better part of me can and does love all those girls-- as friends, as daughters, as sisters, as beloveds, even. the REAL part of me DOESN'T DISLIKE FEMININITY AT ALL. but. today I am realizing that there is a shallow and seething part of me, some awful inhuman cancer, that reacts to those poor girls and women with this such inexplicably livid rage i want to rip something apart with my TEETH. i'm so freaking ANGRY. but WHY???? why in heaven's name do white women, ESPECIALLY the "sorority girl" look, make me want to DESTROY SOMETHING. the same mouthy smile. the same long blonde hair. the same silly poses. the same incomprehensible facial expressions WHAT ARE THEY EVEN EXPRESSING it makes NO SENSE it's just INFURIATING, is that because i feel so confused and threatened by it??? even with different body shapes and sizes there's still something absolutely frightening about women to me. ESPECIALLY teen girls. they scare the life out of me. part of me almost wants to (defensively?) hate them. it's terrifying. and i don't know why. it's all how they look. all how they sound. they are all the wrong shapes and textures and smells and they are literal walking nightmares to me. put me in a room with a bunch of girls and i will either scream and try to break the door down or i will start breaking teeth. it's inevitable. it's driving me insane.
and mothers are WORSE, God forgive me, just like that poor woman in the movie. when they have babies it's like i'm being trapped in hell because NOW the scary bits of all females have been EXAGGERATED in the silent scream of "THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO GET AN INFANT AND I'M GOING TO EXPLICITLY FORCE YOU TO REMEMBER IT." and as a result i am legit TERRIFIED of infants too, moreso than women, but for the exact same awful reasons. all the wrong shapes and smells and sounds. i see one and i am honestly terrified. WHY. 
is it just the trauma? is it all the trauma? when i see a pr****nt woman i want to run and possibly gouge my own eyes out just to feel the relief of pain and blood. i need to cauterize my brain. i go into a mad red frenzy. burn it out. cut it out. bleed it out. get it out. get it away from me, forever, get it away from me, i can't exist in the same space as THAT.
good lord. i'm a bloody mess.
how the heck do i bring this up in therapy
it's been OVER TEN YEARS since i first admitted this awful vice and this is STILL JUST AS BRUTAL AS EVER.
and i hate it. i hate it so much. it's like being possessed. maybe that's literally what this is, god help me

i feel so sick and weird. i don't want to be like this.
but it's so instinctual. it's a knee-jerk response. pure acid, the instant i so much as see them, but it's all fueled by fear. i'm afraid of them. they are walking threats to me. getting near one scares me to death because the sheer thought of a girl bumping into me by accident is enough to have me screaming and clawing at my arms until they bleed. it has happened before. my poor mom knows it. it's at the point where she's afraid to even hug me lest she set off a meltdown or shutdown. no mother should have to go through that with their own child. but there it is. it's happened too many times. i can't seem to shut it off. i am so sorry.
and of course, this gender dysphoria nightmare.
literally an inescapable hell since inpatient
i hate this body now. i hate it so much i cry over it all the time. i wish i were dead almost every time i see a mirror. where are all my edges, my angles, my sharp points? where are the safe and beautiful bones? the squared-off corners? now there are too many bloody curves, too many scary soft places and i want to take razor's x-acto knife to ALL OF IT. i want to starve and throw up and watch it shrink again, empty and pure, god i want to be safe again i don't know what to do.
need to eat less. exercise more. burn off all this demonic weight
and hormones. i swear i need to start hormones again. drop the voice more. get more facial hair. change the body shape. look like how i feel. like how i am, inside. not like this. not like this horrific feminine beast in the mirror. literally about to have a panic attack just thinking about it. trapped trapped trapped DOOMED

...it's worse than it ever was now.
i just frantically got out my jmc photo album and looked at her, those snapshots from 2009, she's still so young but now i can see that she's a girl and i'm scared. WHY. WHY HER, WHY NOW, SHE WAS ALWAYS SAFE BEFORE,
why is the trauma this bad now
and yet. and yet i still choose to love her. this dogged determination. i have to.

how much of this is externalized dysphoria
how much of this is internalized homophobia
how much of this is exploded trauma

all of it.
every single bloody abuser in my life has been FEMININE in one way or another
AND YET, since childhood i cannot deny that I STILL "LIKE GIRLS"??? like i'm the idiot who will walk past some gorgeous chick in a store or at church even, double-take and turn around and go "geez she's gorgeous" and yet i can't watch a movie with a woman in it without having a panic attack and wanting to punch through the screen??? what gives? 
i still pray for a "girlfriend" too. honestly i do. i keep hoping that maybe, just maybe, if one of "those girls" is able and willing to actually love me then i won't be frightened anymore. it would break the pattern. i'd be like the fox and the color of the wheat. my heart would change. god i hope. please i mean it send me someone. you know i'm capable of love even with this. even with this.
wondering if it needs to start inside like most things because YEAH, THAT'S WHY WE HAVE LIKE NO FEMALE OUTSPACERS, and the ones that do manage to stick around are not human at ALL.
galadia is so important in this regard. in canon sneaslers have a body shape that scares us. it's those horrible rounded hips. but SOMETIMES people draw her ALL LINES & EDGES and that's what caught us, honestly so much is about proportion for us, too. always that fear of something being "too apparently feminine." it's exhausting. also for sneasler the long limbs + fur sets off so many phobias, it's honestly a miracle that she's in our system at all. but she is. i guess i'm trying to say, there's hope ?
ALSO. thinking about this whole mess of a situation it's OBVIOUSLY why we couldn't "get" lillymon to be an outspacer. she's too obviously a girl. there were no links, no resonances, nothing that could connect to her... at least, in the old art. in tri she looks more alien, with sharp teeth & a slightly different silhouette, but still. the body shape. the "long hair." the dress. it immediately makes us panic and that cannot be "forced past." THAT'S HOW ABUSE HAPPENED. we don't want to repeat that in headspace for heaven's sakes.
in any case that whole thing was a farce. COMPLETELY obligatory and self-abusive. literally picking some random 'mon and saying "what if we made them an outspacer just to have a green person and a girl" IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY YOU SHALLOW MORON.
you can't "pick" who you resonate with. you can't "pick" who you end up actually falling in love with, no matter what "level" it is. platonic or familial or romantic or whatever. it happens and it CANNOT BE FORCED OR FAKED. EVER.

one last note. our "female" nousfoni aren't female. if they use she/her pronouns they still aren't "girls." this is a CONSTANT.
i should make a list. but just think: algorith, razor, wreckage, laurie, all considered "she/her" but not feminine at all. which is GOOD. even lynne is losing some of the apparent details which is making her safe. julie exists in a weird zone where she's apparently female BUT she doesn't set off all the alarms??? gonna have to note why. there are some subtle but key things she's lacking apparently. nevertheless, yes, we are scared of her figure and THAT WAS ALWAYS PART OF HER FUNCTION. same with infinitii. the only reason ze has those hips is because ze's supposed to be terrifying.
nevertheless we are strongly considering "inventing" pronouns and "genders" for ourselves up here because we DO NOT match the human binary AT ALL, and it's therefore actually dishonest to even speak as if it were so. which it isn't.
it'll take so much fear and stress out of the atmosphere too. no more false associations and triggers and function corruption.

anyway. can't talk any more about this. wrecking me emotionally & mentally.

...
we tried to find something nice on tubi to watch afterwards but made the mistake of looking in anime
and every female we saw was either infantile, hypersexual, or a demonic mix of BOTH
made us so angry and upset we almost got suicidal. don't want to live in this world

mom called, she was coming up to give us food she made and we had to leave the car off at the garage? to fix the tires (it's her car, we're just borrowing it)
couldn't find any music to play on the way up. looking at recent spotify likes. genesis pointed out this one from the new pinocchio movie? which we want to see but can't because netflix is satanic and we refuse to get it. but the song is "better tomorrows." it matches him a lot; different side of him than we usually see but it's very him. warmer amber. he was singing it to me in headspace, bringing xenophon in too. she was delighted. i gotta admit he got a real smile out of me. it meant so much, this sudden sincere effort to console me. i love him a lot. i really do.
anyway the car switch & drive was over and done fast, mom wasn't even paying attention the whole time, just listening to talking books and making phone calls. we tried not to listen, no offense to her but her books are often very triggering. could be topic, the reader voice, both. we're so exhausted and tired of media. hate it so much. even kid's stuff is corrupt now.
got back to the apartment for 7pm. super late to be finally eating dinner. our head was spinning
unfortunately mom sent up fish. biggest trauma trigger food
the girls TRIED to eat it. couldn't. profoundly disturbing.
ended up purging immediately. threw out the rest, all of it. threw that immediately in the garbage chute so we'd be "safe." whole process took less than 10 minutes and NO bingeing. still shook us up terribly

dinner was fine. i was hard dissociated though. couldn't focus, couldn't read bible, couldn't taste anything. mind a blur. too shaken from everything
still shared fortune cookies and egg-muffin with xenophon. did i mention she "doesn't like mushy foods?" like oatmeal or yogurt. she likes things that are crunchy and "bitey." but she's fine with eggs? said they aren't mushy they're "wiggly." you still have to bite them. she's so weird and adorable i love her so much

after dinner cleaned up immediately. with no sun chips to eat the girls are silent, not even senseable. no triggers. interesting to note that. that manic girl still tries to cheat with raisins but xenophon calls me back in and puts a stop to it. considering removing them all from the house anyway. we don't eat them anymore now that we're stabiizing and they hurt our teeth anyway.
craving carrots a lot. i think it's just the hard crunch. we store stress in our teeth. explains a lot of binge behavior. just want to bite and destroy. we have to be careful. need better outlet, need better anger management, need to deal with this hellish trauma in the first place


i am so tired and nauseous and sick. literally no capacity left to type; gonna go sleep it off.



121322

Dec. 13th, 2022 09:10 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

(unrefined/ incomplete entry, first half written on phone)


Happy feast day of Saint Lucy!
I LOVE art of her btw it's beautifully macabre

5 hours of sleep x___x
actually cried myself to sleep over gender dysphoria & body dysmorphia hell last night. legit wanted to die.
had been listening to leaguetunes and accidentally clicked on one we sang back in 2010 or so. before HRT.
...surreal. didn't sound like us at all. never did, actually-- that's why we were so desperate to get on hormones. the sound of our own voice made us want to choke with rage and despair. remembering how much we loved getting sore throats and lung infections because it would drop our vocal range and make us hoarse. preferred that to the tinny sharp too-pink noise of a voice we had.
but the vibrato. the clarity of singing. even if the voice felt wrong, wrong, wrong, it had talent and did we lose that when we lost that upper range? was it worth "sacrificing" just to be a little more comfortable with hearing ourself talk at all?
...told chaos 0 about it. weeping. felt so lost. he said he had known and loved me with so many voices already, it didn't matter in that respect. i was still loved. that meant a lot. but i emphasized that the problem was self-love here. very hard to wake up in the morning when your own voice is a stranger.
...realizing the irony of my daughter's name. how we loved that name since childhood and were so joyful to give it to her. xenophon. "strange voice." how for her it's a title of honor, the word "strange" meaning something like "holy" or "heavenly." something not of this broken world. something not of this broken body.
and then me, hearing jewel sing over ten years ago and not knowing what to feel, because even then we hated our voice, we cried at how foreign it was, wished we sounded like liam mckahey or ed harcourt. deep and resonant. real.
still not there. but closer. dreaming of it. fell asleep with that ache.

briefly talking to julie this morning as we got the body ready. still struggling SO MUCH with dysphoria after last night, could barely get dressed. avoided mirror entirely. but julie is literally the only nousfoni i can talk to about it. she's the only one with the capacity to, without it utterly shattering her function. infi theoretically could, too, but infi is blatantly not humanshaped. julie is. and she's the ONLY nousfoni who looks female in such an explicit way, so only she can "understand" when we rage and sob about being stuck in one. no offense to her, of course. but we can't deny our struggle either.
btw now that she's courageously striving to reintegrate her "old" and arguably TRUE self-- roots and all-- without the corruption, her vibe is so much clearer and real. she feels like herself. it's amazing. i... after last night, re-reading ancient xangas, now ten years later it is such a blessing to have her as a friend. she means a lot to me. i know revisiting trauma in therapy-- AND the archives, inevitably, penny will have to help-- will be difficult for us both. but i know we can get through it. i trust her.

Therapy at 9
Discussed social mode roots in childhood, also religious trauma, mentioned the use of "prayer as abuse" and the "near-torture" of my grandmother's methods. using that word was harrowing. but honestly how else do i describe being forced to kneel on raw rice until my knees bled and say rosaries while being watched and threatened, at age seven or so??? genuinely disturbing. and all the while having to stare up at the picture of the last supper where jesus is looking up, up and away from my frightened pain, grandma saying "it's because he doesn't want to look at you" dude that SCARS YOU. no wonder i struggle to pray even now. spiritual warfare though, gotta fight that good fight
Explicitly mentioned gender issues, notably the medical causes, in myself and in the family. it's so important it needed to be brought up front immediately. she didn't respond to it but i hope she's okay with that being front-and-center with a LOT of the trauma. also hoping she can get us referrals for HRT? still a lot of religious terror and conflict over that, but honestly it is becoming a daily wonder again. so we'll see.
Also THIS GAL'S GOT TRAUMA TOO. She UNDERSTANDS 1000%. She legit DESCRIBED A FLASHBACK TRIGGER and we have NEVER heard ANYONE explain that EXACTLY HOW WE EXPERIENCE THEM. with the unexpected sensory databombs and the hypervigilance and the mental shutdowns. It was staggeringly validating & reassuring, to know that SHE GETS IT. Heartbreaking, absolutely, but still put down a foundation of so much trust & solidarity.
Offered EMDR, tapping, hypnosis as options.
Tried tapping first but it triggered MAJOR PANIC, especially with breathing aspect, although we DID have Kyanos show up (he's now female?? or androgynous. CHILD in any case). We told her and she said "OK, we won't use that method." THAT WAS IT. No forcing, no invalidations or coercing, NO SHAME OR GUILT. Just "if it doesn't work, it doesn't work, and that's totally fine. We'll find a different method for you that won't be triggering." GOD BLESS THIS WOMAN SHE'S FANTASTIC
Office is so nice too. She REFUSES to turn on the fluorescent lights, thank God, we don't like them either. She just has up all these warm floor lamps and a CHRISTMAS TREE which is gorgeous and a rainbow "love is love" neon sign by the door. And free coffee if you want it. She's a total doll, honestly we hit the jackpot with therapy here, thank you Lord it was about time

Oh yeah for the "tapping" she first had us close our eyes and visualize a "safe place"? which everyone does in therapy and honestly it is really annoying because we've never really had one in the waking so what the heck dude, what IS "safe?"
but. we told her that the instant image we get is ALWAYS GIMMELWALD. had to be honest.
so i closed my eyes. there i was sitting on that steep hill, green grass, tiny yellow flowers. snowcapped alpine peaks all around, little quiet village below. the scent of ice and high altitude. the sound of sheep bells above. gorgeous.
and chaos 0 sitting next to me. it took me by surprise, then i thought, "oh yeah. safe space."
honestly moved my heart a lot to realize how CLEARLY i could see him. his color lighter from all the sunlight. seeing the mist around us catch in his reflection. his eyes greener than the hills. just looking out at everything, like he did on that morning we sat in the back of my car and watched the stars wheeling over the valley.
i loved him so much in that moment. quietly, but so ardently. like a thousand-year love. less of a fire, more of a mountain itself. ancient and solid and enduring love. like all the snow melting into waterfalls.

Library drive by, wanting to see if they had any movies or kid's books to casually check out. needed to just relax. but closed until noon, not waiting that long
Considered stopping at SJE & legit just sleeping in the pews by the Tabernacle then remembered, hold up IT'S TUESDAY! that means ADORATION AT OLOTE
Went straight there and did a SOLID HOLY HOUR!!
30m talk 30m prayer
flat-out said an ENTIRE ROSARY. realized how much we DO love saying it but also how INSANELY IMMERSIVE it is. like once we get started we are gone, dude. we cannot say them casually. it is an absolute trip, like reliving every mystery. exhausting but gorgeous. i'm wondering if we only CAN properly say them in a church. gonna have to get used to jogging to SJE then, haha. honestly we want to though. worth a shot soon.
Finished the hour just in time to hit EUCHARISTIC LITURGY at OLOMC
we haven't been there since before inpatient so it felt wonderful to be back.
Linda said hi, SO DID SMN!
He was worried about us! God bless him. We asked him to pray for our continued outpatient recovery and he said he absolutely would. IMO the dude is VERY HOLY so his prayers have got inevitable PUNCH.

...sang briefly on the way home. last minute dare. right before we pulled into the parking lot. i forget what song it was, even. came up on shuffle.
but... we could still sing. still the vibrato, just as bright as it was when we were younger. still not how we sound inside but closer. lower. warmer. no buzzing edge anymore. gave us some hope.

Home for 12:15. Vacuumed, jokingly made a "bet" w/ xennie-- she said she gets "five dollars" if I fall asleep at the laptop, "even for two seconds". She said to buy her more fortune cookies, tiger tea, and a single lemonade apple "for mom" (infi, the ONLY person who inexplicably can hold that title w/o dissonance)
honey that'll cost more than $5 but don't tell her, I'll buy her all that and more if she wants, gotta dote on my daughter
Made breakfast, very dissociated, but lots of nice company as always
PHLEGMONI & SCALPEL teaming up outta nowhere to give spice a heck of a time, they insisted on adding EXTRA cayenne pepper and were bonding over it, it was honestly hilarious
Mimic taking time out this morning. he's around, just gave us some space.
Got Tumblr distracted by RYOU & MARIK!!
Now eating at 2pm God bless

------------------------

...It's 10pm.
Note to selves: do NOT fast for nineteen hours with NO sleep and HIGH stress and then EAT TRIGGER FOODS.
we had a minor bingepurge.
MINOR. it was only two hours, start to finish, and we HID the big bowls so they couldn't be abused. the girls only binged on vegetables, yogurt, and sunchips as usual. but it was TERRIFYING and PAINFUL nevertheless.
and... as usual, it shut down headspace for almost two hours.
honestly we expected this. with how completely rattled we were, there was no way to easily avoid this happening. that one girl began to munch on lettuce, then panicked "we have to finish it", then someone ELSE panicked because we started to get dizzy and our ears were popping and they said "oh no we're allergic to lettuce" and just... binged in order to purge.
it wasn't much. the worst was the sunchips (they ate the whole bag AGAIN. we have marked them as "do not buy" until further notice; especially with that manic e.d. chick always trying to sneak them they're too much of a risk right now, and they don't "fit into" the mealplan as of now anyway. literal superfluous item held over from inpatient and for that sake only. not worth $4 a bag. if we can drop it then do so). and of course they found the salted caramel yogurt we bought once more to try and junked it. BUT we got data, and it IS highly triggering so that explains the compulsive destruction. that's on the "do not buy" list for good now, too, since there is validity to it.
ah. worst part.
the fire alarm went off right as they were finishing the binge. lights flashing, alarms buzzing. heard everyone evacuating outside.
instead they went into the bathroom and just threw up, thinking, and i kid you not,
"if there's a real fire they'll have to come and get me if they feel i'm worth saving. otherwise, i don't care. if i die then i die. this is no life to live anyway."
honest to god it was a suicidal thought. we haven't had one of those in months. not since grandma passed.
but... well, in light of the dyspho/dysmo agony, it wasn't surprising. just... heartbreaking, to hear expressed by someone who could get that low and unfortunately sincere.

as usual there's no memory of it till the purge process ending because they start praying hysterically and then i usually have to clean everything up. xenophon showed up when that happened and was tearful too (i was miserable) and thank God she helped me stabilize, asking me if i was okay, telling me it was going to be okay, refusing to leave me alone or berate anyone. she saw the pain. she knows this is a war. she just hates seeing anyone-- everyone-- suffer from it.
so we got the floors cleaned and the trash taken out and the dishes done. i changed our clothes and downed an entire powerade (told you it was smart to buy emergency ones; gotta have that contingency crisis plan).
then we sat down to eat dinner.
seriously. no way were we skipping the opportunity to recover from this disaster IMMEDIATELY after. plus the body was shaking (blood sugar was a solid 80 which means it was going to keep dropping fast if we didn't eat; it always does) and we had just lost our breakfast anyway.
so we had dinner. broccoli, apple, half a carrot, cottage cheese, english muffin w/ a wiggly egg, three fortune cookies (xennie insisted), infi's vanilla comoro tea, AND the lingonberry skyr.
so yeah. of course laurie called mimic over.
he sardonically commented on the disordered behavior. i said yeah, we wish it would just stop but days like this were bound to happen. i apologized and said he didn't sign up for this-- he said he didn't sign up at all, i/jewel just kind of pulled him into headspace-- and that he was entirely free to leave if he wanted.
"i said i'm sticking around."
he keeps emphasizing that. always "waving off" the honest gravity of it-- saying he's "getting something out of this" or it's "better than running for my life" or the like. less brash than he was even three days ago. admitting that it's interesting, that he likes laurie's attitude, that he respects the bravery he sees. "credit where it's due," but in a slowly more self-revelatory way. getting more honest, less defensive.

good news is he likes the skyr, haha. he's got different preferences from me apparently. that's cool, i always like that variety in the system. i had asked him, to which he smirked and asked "do you?" calling me out. i hesitantly admitted it wasn't my thing, then tried to say "but i can change that" but he said nope, no flaking out. he kept ribbing me about it because i was trying to like it for his sake but couldn't force that (i used to! all the time! for every random person!) and he kept goading me to be honest, because if i'm gonna hold him to that standard i had better live up to it myself. not in those words but same intent. laurie is more direct; mimic likes to provoke. but it helps, actually, that indigo edge of his.
laurie used to be like that before she hard-shifted purple. we wonder if she's going to move back to violet. time will tell. so will the spectrumind, inevitably. if her function CAN and SHOULD shift, it will. but that can't be forced either, just like i can't honestly or safely override or reject a vibe dissonance.
still. amusingly ironic how the shapeshifter is telling the polymorph to stop trying to be someone else. hits different that way. more weight behind it.

...
outspacers are so weird. i love them but they're bizarre. their arrival and integration is vastly different from nousfoni. they come here via Links, and those cannot be forced or even chosen most times-- they just catch, jewel's old puppet-strings, and before you know it there's a new face. but there's always a "heart-pull" when that string is able to connect. without it, you know they won't be able to stick around, or even step in.
we always "meet them" in heartspace in one way or another. that's "first contact." either in jewel's imagination, or our dreams. after that, they can show up in headspace, although that's not something that ever happened in the old days due to headspace not being a solid thing until like 2009.
but... outspacers get this week-or-so "grace period" of adjustment and introduction, on average, and then they either decide to leave or they decide to stick around. as mimic apparently has.
that's when stuff gets interesting. if they commit, it's all or nothing in the end. outspacers ultimately have to decide that they want to be part of the spectrum, if they really want to stay, and in doing so... well. they have to "move in."
you can't be a legit outspacer and live outside the system. you've gotta cut that thread to keep this one.
every true outspacer has a new life, new roots, even a new name, in a leagueworld. not even "and the system." if you're an outspacer talking to nousfoni you are STILL not native, you need your anchor elsewhere because you're not the same species and without that anchor you will end up "channeling" the spectrumind and you will lose yourself. it happens. it freaks everyone out, even nousfoni who are unstable. get too close to unformed blackspace, even conceptually, and you start to deform yourself. it's lethal. even to infi. no one is meant to be so blurry in self that they lose their self. hence the vital importance and emphasis on "solid anchors" and "functions" and clear colors. without that... you get reabsorbed into the rainbow, worst case scenario. sometimes it's inevitable. sometimes someone breaks their function so hard that they have to be recycled and reborn. sometimes someone dies and that's just what happens after. same with being "killed"-- laurie has told mimic that "death is different up here" because it's such a spiritual realm; especially with cores, being "killed" or "dying" just forces a "reset" and if you're still MEANT to be alive, you WILL "come back." sometimes instantly. like with my fights with laurie, and her infamous "beheading" technique to "soft-reset" any splintering core. it works. that's just mechanics up here.
but yeah. outspacers. if mimic wants to stay, well, he needs to leave the canon. and find a new one to settle into.
we told him this up front. galadia hasn't done it either, not yet. phlegmoni has. you can feel the difference in him, compared to both how he was in the beginning and to how the newbies are now. it's surreal, now that i know why that is.
but that's what the "grace period" is about. it's a hyperfocus on that outspacer's native world and canon history, to integrate them as fully as possible, and as genuinely as possible, so that when the links snip off the threads, they still know who they are, and can build a new life from that.
that's... really the whole thing with outspacers. it's part of the jewelcore's core function i think, if i may word it as such. to "love the loveless." to seek out those who need a new dream, and give them one. to say, "listen: there's a hell of a good universe next door, let's go." (one of our most beloved poems since childhood btw) and to offer a hand.
honestly though it's rarely so direct. jewel always has "feelers out," amusingly so with our bizarre but undeniable insect affection. every "mediaworld" she is able to step into-- and that criterion is solely her heart; we never entirely know what will resonate with it until it does) --she does, and forms a "Link." a sole puppetstring. a dreamthread. the cable to climb that cliff. and once she's plugged in, well. then who knows what will happen? her imagination is a powerful thing. but so are dreams. those are my territory, as the apprentice. but i'm still at their mercy. if someone shows up... then they show up.
i'm too tired to think straight, haha. what am i trying to get to. what ultimate point.
oh yeah. mimic.
i was trying to write about this the other day. he remembers the dream. but it's like in stein's gate. "that's not fair," and how that line cut to my heart. a dream of some other life, some other potential future, that someone else has actively lived but you haven't. at least, not in this life. and yet... it already happened. that's what it's like, with mimic. what a bizarre way to become an outspacer. i think that's a first, too.
he's really confused over it. frustrated at the lack of linear-spatial sense. but he's at least not denying it happened, if only in its own space. he's not talking about it, but not pushing it away. that's notable.

someone brought up *incidents*. i think with the "nobody stays dead if they're not meant to die yet" topic.
floored me when i realized it took markus (marik) almost ten years to have his third one. and i STILL remember that morning so vividly even now. legit a milestone day in our life. since then he's felt different. brighter. stronger. but also no longer "trying to be invincible." a strange balance. the daengels helped, too, later on. still not sure what the heck is going on with the yami phenomenon outside of the tar/plague. wondering if they'll choose to keep that in their leagueworld, or enjoy the freedom from it. that's up to them.

we were gonna have a headspace movie night because tubi randomly notified me that "a penitent man" is leaving on thursday! and we decided, well why the heck not watch it? isn't that the whole theme of our life lately?
so. not tonight because this update was important. and we need sleep. but tomorrow. i owe genesis a date night anyway, haha.
we've already invited mimic and phlegmoni and galadia because they're all new outspacers and have not experienced a "movie night" before. neither has scalpel! geez that's a shock. i freakin love him, i'm so glad he insists on sticking around. legit the FIRST red nousfoni that HASN'T totally died due to core interference, because actually he anchored into BLOOD. legit solidified the subhue and fixed the problem, haha. razor was already there but everyone knows she was always half black in hue. so was laurie, for a while. bizarre how headspace worked in the early days; so many people backpacked achromes.
thinking of giving achromatic spectrum hues different names btw to avoid racial confusion. we don't have ethnicity up here; nousfoni aren't human and our "ethnicities" are weird, to say the least. i'm trying to catalogue them on the other laptop. there are definite patterns, but we're like pokemon. laurie and wreckage and sugar are ALL nousfoni but they're different "subspecies." gotta look into biology terms for this. maybe make our own, heck yeah. gotta really enrich our innerworld jargon like we used to. it's beautiful. honestly thanks be to God for this, for us. all of us.

but dinner went by without any trouble. xenophon shared it with me.
three fortunes were:
"adventure is not outside, it is within"
"be a generous friend and a fair enemy"
"be most affectionate today."
i laughed and immediately showed them to mimic, half teasing, dude this is way too relevant to our situation with you.

cleaned up the kitchen, got everything out for tomorrow morning, then was SO bloody tired i just dragged the chair over in front of the altar, sat down, and started reading the church bulletins. needed to read 'em anyway.
mimic showed up ghosting (HOW. he didn't even have to LEARN. is that being immediately "uploaded" into outspacers now???) and sat by the chair. asking me what i was reading, etc.
he's weirdly friendly, actually. not like genesis, or xenophon-- he's not "outgoing" or extroverted. not even like laurie, who is all steel edges but still shockingly warm and conversational. he's got that same level demeanor as he did in the dream, but it's not flat or morose-- he's got a sense of humor which STILL catches me off guard, and a tendency to talk a lot. he's not reclusive or standoffish at all. he's observant and interested, even if he instinctively tries to play it cool and pretend he "just overheard" or the like. i think the only reason why he's still kind of uncharacteristically reserved is because he's grappling with this new and weird environment. he's not sure who or what is a threat yet. he's watching, getting a grip on it. but he's warming up fast, especially with laurie constantly involving him in conversation, reassuring him, and all but flaunting her role as the main protector of the entire system. no one gets through her. so don't worry about "surviving" up here; we all look out for each other, we're all genuinely invested in each other's welfare, and if anyone tries to pick on the octopus they will have an axe buried in their skull within three milliseconds. but even moreso, she's proving to mimic that the most powerful people can still be kind and even vulnerable. laurie does not deny when she messes up, or is struggling, like she used to. she told him that, too. her walls were different than his, but they're still walls. still armor around the heart. laurie has friends and it doesn't make her weak at all; she emphasizes that she's willing to live and die for them, and if need be she will kill for them too (thinking of this anthem of hers with an ache in my heart), at least in the innerworld. but she is setting an amazing example. and i can tell it's affecting him. he's never had proof that his fear-based (because they are) assumptions weren't objectively true, not so firsthand, not with people who are including him IN that circle of friends. we do bring up the diamond cutters, carefully. that's when he puts the walls up. so we don't push it. it's a touchy subject.
still. it's important to honor that part of his past. even if he doesn't seem too keen on getting close to people, i can empathize, and i wonder how much of that is fueled by survival instinct. versus how much is actual personal disposition. and how much conflict there is. i know for me, i conceptually want to be closer to people but i get overwhelmed and often shove people away. but then, like mimic, i monologue. i still talk as if to an audience. it's ironic. he's a shapeshifter and he has to know people in order to wear their mask, so to speak. as a core i get something similar with prismatic resonance-- i need to know other colors to properly do my job, too. he and i both have to "get close" to people in theory... but it's "ehhh" in person. even if deep down maybe we'd like to try. not sure what's in the way. fear of death, probably. even in concept. how ironic, for someone with a skull painted over their face and someone whose best friend is arguably the grim reaper. both of us covered in scars. both of us carrying blades. why.
tired of us both seeing friendship as a liability. as a weakness. as "not being able to make it on your own" and loathing yourself for that inadequacy. as a crutch that enables that very flaw. all of it false. but all of those false beliefs still anchored too bloody hard.
tired of wearing masks just to get by. how long can you pretend to be other people before you lose the concept of "other people?" is that why we're both so paradoxically isolated? the empathy issues? i don't want to be like this. at all. i don't want anyone else to be, either.
i hope we can both work through this.
that's the one thing about outspacers that i've come to terms with lately (it was very hard) that is actually very consoling. they aren't bound to their canon anymore. yes, it IS their history, and it will ALWAYS be at their heart, BUT as for their future, change is possible and allowed. they can grow as people in ways that would be IMPOSSIBLE in their native universes, especially since now they're in headspace which is INHERENTLY interconnective, and heartspace even moreso. they're going to be affected by us, and us by them. they're going to have unique experiences that will have visible impacts on who they become. and, of course, if you're in OUR space, you're going to fit the vibe. villains inevitably drop the dark cloak, as it were. and up here, that's expected. it's a good thing. it's how we work. and because the "worldline" differs here than their canon, it's legitimate within this new set of circumstances. the air is different here-- colors are brighter. everyone here can, and will, change for the better, if they cooperate with that.

so i was sitting on the couch and mimic is just chillin' and being oddly silent and i just picked up the "voice of the martyrs" mag for december and decided to read it entirely. emphasizing the "martyr" concept. telling him, "this is what it's really about." the courage. the absolute victorious faith. the persistent hope despite all odds. the incredible charity in the face of violent evil. the whole time i'm spontaneously elaborating on how love is stronger than death and more powerful than anything and these testimonies were proof, literally these people are being threatened with murder and torture on a daily basis because they believe in a God of compassion and forgiveness and mercy, and to their credit and His glory they refuse to stand down or compromise it. they set their faces like flint against machetes and bombs and rifles. and there's no bitterness in it. it's unreal. it's gorgeous. it's heartbreaking and jubilant all at once. the absolute strength of divine meekness, seen only as "weakness" in the eyes of the world, and yet unconquerable by it. ended up "paraphrasing" the entire prodigal son story in my manner of speech. focusing on the forgiveness, and the magnitude of what was forgiven.
i'm very open with mimic, about my past. about how much of a bastard i have been, and still am some days. about my history of thievery, and compulsive lying, and addiction, and prostitution, and manipulation, and using people for my own advantage. about my proclivities to violent rage and crocodile tears. about my own cowardly "tough guy" facade and my fear of being helpless, inept, powerless, unskilled. about how deep down i feel as spineless as an octopus so i've learned to carry knives and speak them too. too much in common. sick of living this way. wanting so badly to be honorable and honest and courageous and compassionate, but some days i just chicken out like an idiot because of what it might cost me. kneejerk gutlessness. pain in the ass.
but both of us just kind of... thinking about it all. in that weird interim between here and there. wanting to scoff at it all and just weasel our way through life. but so, so tired of the ice in our blood. exhausted. getting hints of something better, brighter, even beautiful, here in headspace. terrified of it. terrified of opening up and actually feeling things and letting our guard down. letting other people help us instead of doing it all alone. i'm learning, it's inevitable as part of a system, but... it's still new.
even with mimic. part of me pissed off at "having someone else to have to care about" and wanting to kick him out solely because "i'm tired of thinking about other people." selfish garbage. not how i really feel. but a reaction i cannot deny. remembering what they said on bumblekast. "i don't want to say he's asexual, he just doesn't seem interested in interpersonal connections." well geez dude the two aren't mutually inclusive, but where do you draw the line on that second one? look at me and the blue guy, then look at how some days i just don't want to look at anyone. how much of it is mental illness? how much of it is trauma? how much of it is being so preoccupied with your own survival that you can't imagine prioritizing someone else?
and yet. and yet we're talking in the living room for an hour. no stress somehow. not a "conversation." but still caring.
it's so odd, this whole thing. but i'm... i'm learning so much about myself too. growing so much. i think that's why he was allowed to become an outspacer. that potential, for both of us. god works in mysterious ways


okay exhausted dead. 1130pm. good lord i was supposed to sleep. no idea what i've written. but hey it's written and i didn't slack off on this responsibility. learning to be accountable! yeah!

dietician cancelled for tomorrow and rescheduled for monday. other one is on friday. nothing on schedule for tomorrow unless we want to go to church. other than that we're chillin'. have to. body is wrecked.

i want to spend time with chaos 0. just him. his canon cousin has been taking all my attention lately and although that is vital, and kind of mandatory for me as a core dealing with an outspacer, i still need to take time out for us. it's essential to my heart. to my spiritual survival entirely.
we've been wanting to do a spotify night for a while but schedule hasn't allowed it. tomorrow is absolutely movie night though, maybe by 9pm so we can actually legit sleep after.
still. if mimic is bringing out the worst in me in order for it to be corrected, i need to spend time with someone who brings out the best in me, in order that i admit that it exists, too.

gotta sleep. burnt to a crisp with all this stress and thinking. overwhelmed.
one day at a time. take it slow. whatever happens happens.
focus on why you're doing this. because you care. because you have hope. because deep down you chose to love someone who legit drives you up the walls with their attitude. because you need someone to love you when you act the same way. otherwise, what hope is there for something better? brighter? even beautiful?

i keep thinking of the way he looked out at the snow on sunday. that first moment when he actually did let his guard down. never gonna forget that.

it's worth fighting for, really.






121222

Dec. 12th, 2022 10:20 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


Today has been... a weird day. Difficult.


Slept in super late. Didn't help; we still had awful flat nightmares. Thank God and His mercy that I don't remember them.
No hacks though. Feels like hints or threats, but nothing happened. Thank God for that, too.

Ate late breakfast?
Planning was a bit tough as it was so darn late.

I was so stressed out I actually told Celebi to "keep Mimic out" and "reassign him a different timeslot to talk to us" if he wanted to show up; I was too mentally overwhelmed, and apparently he really likes to talk, even when the conversation is prickly-- perhaps especially then, I wonder.
His attitude fascinates me to be honest.

I "felt" Mimic try to walk in, and Celebi delay him as I asked. But then I felt Mimic's response, which was this unexpected jolt of betrayal, like we were rejecting him too, seeing him as "the bad guy" EVEN NOW, and despite everything we'd said to him.
I immediately went into headspace to bring him into Centralspace personally.

I apologized profusely, explaining myself honestly but carefully, which meant admitting flatly that I was being an absolute asshole and I wanted to make restitution for that.

We decided that since it's the holidays, we'd get something special-- rainbow carrots!
We also accidentally bought smaller storage bags-- quarts instead of gallons. Since we use them for storing the carrots, they're far too small to use properly. But Xennie helped "me" not get disappointed & upset with myself over that, pointing out the bright side of things-- this way, the "portions" stored are smaller too, and the larger carrots have to be "shortened" to fit, both of which markedly help prevent the "completionist binge" instincts that make our brain want to "eat the whole thing" or "the whole bag." So hey, silver linings!

Speaking of. Especially with everything concerning food (as it's so tied to trauma & stress), lately I've been noticing... I still switch out a LOT. It's just VERY hard to notice on the SOCIAL LEVEL, because they're all built for rapidfire switching and flow. Notsomuch the innerspace-anchored folks; for us, that's deeply disturbing.
A rule of thumb, for the record, is that "internal" Nousfoni-- aka "headvoices"-- are NOT BUILT TO FRONT. Doing so can actually break their function. That's what killed us in NC, and all that it entailed. But Socials are NOT BUILT FOR THE INSIDE?? I'm not even sure what we'd call that, the "opposite of fronting?" New jargon request, haha. Geez I wonder if THAT could be someone's job? That would be cool. Making a tag for that btw.
But yeah, socials are "meant to be social," and our life's history has had such unpredictable social experiences that it makes sense that Socials are innately geared to meet that havoc head-on. When you have to "be different people" in quick succession in order to survive, both psychologically and societally, well, then the different people who end up being born TO do that are going to be naturally speedy and switchable. Not so inside! Headvoices are, in contrast, meant to STICK AROUND for HOURS at a clip, in focused roles, unseen by the outside. Their jobs are TOTALLY different and require sustained presence, NOT shifting. This is ALSO why my head hurts so darn much when like... five to seven different folks are chatting over breakfast, haha. Ghosters are the wildcard in this equation-- they are focused outside, and so it is actually easy to "shift" my own attention from a ghoster to headspace without much stress, IF I'M THE ONE FRONTING. If a Social is trying to butt in, though, the whole thing shatters disastrously-- Socials normally CANNOT talk to Headspace because originally, THAT would break THEIR functions!! That's why we had "TWO LEVELS" for a while there, back around 2015, when "Midspace opened up" and we discovered the Underground and all that-- because we realized, for the first time ever, that there was a WHOLE LOT OF "OUTSIDE VOICES" that DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE PART OF A SYSTEM, and for the sake of their "public functions," they couldn't know. 
We're still grappling with those folks, but they're fewer and far between now-- our life has become so solitudinous that many "socials" are now becoming... gosh I don't know, we don't have jargon for that yet either! That's actually really exciting, wow. It shows we're growing and evolving still! But yeah, like the E.D. Socials-- previously they were totally cut off from the System to "keep us psychologically safe" and to prevent their job being interrupted? Yes, some of them did get to know us-- notably Tobiko-- but those folks didn't survive like the "isolated" ones did, due to the isolatory nature of their job. But now, we live in isolation and it's SAFE, and furthermore we're striving to make our daily life ENTIRELY System-inclusive. So, eating now HAS to be a System function, TO BE SAFE. Therefore, we're reaching out to Social eaters, and they are becoming ABLE to talk TO us in response. It's a slow process, but it CAN happen and IS happening now, which is more than we could say for NC-- yes we tried back then, but there was so much fear and danger and trauma that all we really did was fight. Some of them were receptive-- I remember Zucche, notably-- but others were too entrenched in their broken coping mechanism roles that we couldn't reach them.
In any case it's not something I can discuss in too much depth right now, because the battleground has changed considerably post-inpatient, and we're still dealing with said switching and dissociation. THOSE are the folks it's difficult to identify, or even recognize. Some are so vague & "identity-less"-- which is actually a hallmark of Social function; you CANNOT have "an identity" if your existence is dictated by outside expectations for survival-- that we only begin to "see" them by noting time-loss events and patterns of behavior or speech that coincide with them. Once we "see" them, we can almost "force" a solidification of identity, since there's now INTERNAL attention being given to them? BUT it's a RISKY process; it can KILL a Social if we're not careful to first clarify their function. If a Nousfoni on that level EXISTS FOR context in which we cannot reveal or recognize we are plural, then making them aware of that WILL break them... and if they can't recover, they will be replaced. That happens even on the inside, which is a horrifically disturbing phenomenon BUT it is nevertheless vital. We don't always know what functions need to be filled, as it's dictated by the subconscious. Most times that knowledge only comes to us in hindsight? Or by "filling in the blanks?" It's not direct knowledge; it's implied or inferred. It's just as fascinating as it can be frightening. But that's System life, man, it's weird and ultimately we wouldn't lose it for the world.

Speaking of finding people! So far, we know that there are... at least three main E.D. nousfoni, that are slowly but surely becoming more distinct and clear to us.
The first one, the "loudest" one, is an orange-leaning "manic?" She feels almost like Jewel at the edges, but there's no red, so if you're "feeling" for hues that's a dead giveaway. This is the girl that always asks "can I have a raisin? Can I have a sunchip? Can I have a bite of the cereal?" Always snack food, always "just one more." But it's almost compulsive. There's no actual "want" there-- she just focuses on that "extra bit"? It's an unusual motivation and we don't know the roots yet.
The second one, the second loudest, is similar. She leans blue? I think? But her motivation is "we need to have some more." It's panicky and it's obedience-based. Like she feels this MUST be done "or else." She will go for another carrot, more broccoli, half an apple. More "meal-based" options, not snacks-- but, again, she doesn't "want" them. She just feels she HAS to. And she's always scared. There does seem to be an "overtone" of Yellow with that? But with the "bluish" feeling of "hopelessness" I'm wondering if she's going to end up being a sickly greenish hue. We'll see.
The third one, whose color is unclear, is similar to Allegra? This one is scared of overeating, of "too much," or of "poison," or of "eating something wrong." She has a mildly flat affect, with the same "thousand yard stare" that Dread has/had, but beneath that she is TERRIFIED. She will nudge us towards a purge but she won't feel what's motivating it-- that goes to other Nousfoni, apparently.
There are probably more, and these descriptions are entirely prone to "change" as we clarify who is who, and what they are doing. But that's what I've got for now.


MAJOR DEPRESSION HIT after breakfast.
I think it might have been because we ate so much? Our body just... crashed. So did our brain. We felt horrible and incredibly sad, almost purposeless, and for a minute there we were convinced that we couldn't cope.
Instantly we got hit with a "binge urge" the same way you'd want to do drugs. In that context, it hit hard that it was an ABSOLUTE "ESCAPISM" RESPONSE WHEN THE BRAIN IS SPUTTERING OUT.
Ironically, it only makes things worse-- the physiological effects of a bingepurge are literal hell. But, the "impulse" to start one doesn't consider that. It only thinks of "right now"-- which is, to force eating and therefore trigger a trauma dissociation response, which makes the emotions shut down, and all internal communication shut down, and so for the next two to four hours, we are effectively unconscious. No feeling anything but steadily growing panic, the mania "overriding" the depression, peaking in a hysterical purgation process that mirrors literal trauma events and ending with us feeling sick and wrecked and dead. It's hell. But, again, it's that first part-- the total "mental blackout"-- that the "drug push" feeling is looking for. That's why it's so important to remember the REST of the process-- because it is NEVER WORTH IT.
Sometimes the absolute frickin bravest thing we can possibly do is just... let ourselves be depressed. It's SO HARD though, and I don't know why.
...Honestly, maybe that's why we DON'T have like... any Blue-hue Nousfoni? Maybe THAT'S their job anchor and since we've been IGNORING and ERASING IT, they can't form?? I wonder.
In any case, we are missing SO MANY COLORS, especially post-restart (2018). Their functions are legitimately undefined for the most part. Geez maybe THAT'S what we should do the next time we feel this "blue"-- GO INSIDE AND FIND OUT WHO CAN HOLD THIS. Because believe me, it's inevitable-- we're a System, and there WILL be someone TO do that job, if there isn't anyone yet. Have faith in our collective heart.


Refusing to give in, we went on Scherzando and loaded tons of Leaguedata to our phone (whose name is Perpetua btw, 'Pera' for short; don't know if we ever said so here), so we could READ IT on the go AND when exercising.
This took like... over an hour? Maybe two? It ENTIRELY took our attention in a very good way, thank You God.
We put every "basic plot" file for every established Leagueworld into a phone folder, so we can review and build on them whenever. We also put in some "group files" with old notes for plot development, Leaguewide motifs & concepts, old plot summaries, the League Spectrum, etc. Then we added a bunch of Moralimon "current work" files, like the Enchiridion & the new Typecode system, the infamous "Make It Canon" file for integrating family contributions, and several notefiles for events & dialogue that occur after Part 12. Lots of good stuff!
But... the simple process of browsing through files, clicking here and there, touched our heart with SUCH affection that it basically erased all trace of depression for the entire time. We love the League SO MUCH. It's the other half of our heart, literally so. Jewel & Jay are both Cor(e)s; this is why!
So... man. SO much hope opened up to us. We had almost abandoned the League post-NC due to suicidal despair & internalized feelings of worthlessness & ineptitude. We felt like our guts had been ripped out and eaten. It was torturous, being so cut-off from our soul, and it's why our identity imploded and the eating disorder got unmanageable as a result. We lost our dreams, our purpose, our history, our self. Without the League, even as a System, we're incomplete. This, too, needs to become part of our daily life again.
Still. They can't "cohabitate." They CAN coexist, but NOT in the "same mental space." Jewel can't be part of the System any more than Jay can be part of the League; they are DIFFERENT Cor(e)s and their respective hearts are bound to serve and sustain and protect different realities. Yes, Outspacers can enter the System, but then the MUST anchor into the League OR the Spectrum in order to stay. One or the other. Any apparent "exceptions" are sacrificing something-- Genesis has become so anchored into the Spectrum that it's become almost impossible to write for Delphoiesis as a result. Chaos 0 being the arguable "other half of our heart" is also making the Sonic Inversion project just as turbulent. All of the Outspacers who hang around with us now-- especially the newbies-- do not have solid Leagueroots yet. THAT'S why Ryou & Marik aren't around much anymore, like they were in the early 2003-2005 heartspace days-- they mutually decided to build their OWN Leagueworld, and THAT'S where they're anchored now. So it's... terribly bittersweet. We can't see them much anymore, for their own safety and ours. At least, not in person. But now they have lives of their own, and that's more than we could give them in the System.
Still... heartspace is a thing. Jewel still controls that. We wonder, if there could be a place even now, where we can meet.


After moving the files, we decided to bike for at least 90m. That always helps our mood.
Considered watching a movie, decided against it; religious films unfortunately often have very triggering content, and any media would just overtax our concentration even more, PLUS they might open up MORE Outspacer/Link channels which honestly I do NOT need right now with this very new and very taxing but beloved new dude taking up hours of psycho-emotional focus every day. I forgot how incredibly demanding the Outspacer "induction" process is. It's oddly like how when Xenophon was "born"-- they NEED a huge amount of mental energy & heart-focus directed towards them in order TO "anchor in" to headspace. Without that attention, they fade away-- or even worse, they might corrupt. And we do NOT want that happening, to anyone.

So, instead, we LISTENED TO MUSIC!
I ended up using it as a time to "clean up" the library-- we have a bad habit of adding tunes solely because they "earmark" some time of our history. We should really make separate folders for that, but we keep "putting it off" because "do we really need to? Would it do us any ultimate good or would it just be a waste of time?" AND, "do we even want to remember those times?" Like today, we listened to a lot of Steely Dan, and their albums are solidly associated with late elementary school, when we started getting into video games & media at large. They were also one of our sister Jade's favorite bands. So... there's a LOT of "memory data" that goes with these songs, and not all of it is positive. There's a lot of vague sadness and fear hanging around it, whose causes will only be revealed if we dig for it, and we are NOT ready to do that on such short notice, especially not with the depression we've been struggling with!
Still, we at least made a mental note to "stop adding stuff out of 'obligation'" and removed most of 'em from the library, so they don't accidentally come up on shuffle and trigger something out of the blue. That's always a risk, when we aren't careful.

Good news is, we got 111m in of biking, haha!


Mom called 5m before we finished; she said "I'm on my way to bring up food." Totally unannounced, but that's typical mom. She likes to share and she cares about us, especially post-inpatient; she wants to make sure we have healthy food, not just "what's left in the cupboard" or God forbid, literal garbage.
She gave us a container of (all homemade) potato & leek soup, a grilled cheese with gorgonzola I think? (she likes fancy cheese) and two little slices of a blueberry-ricotta dessert bread.
We were deeply grateful; she always thinks of us.
However, sadly, this "strange food" triggered out the E.D. PANIC VOICES who are tied to destruction. They are SUPER hard to recognize and catch because they "work for the Destroyer" and SHE STILL hides her face even after years of work. They do "undercover missions," really-- get in, get out, leave no trace. Done and done. It's meant to "eliminate danger" WITHOUT retaining any recollection OF the danger. Total wipeout. It's scary, but hey, it happens for a reason.
Aaaand potato & leek soup is apparently a HUGE TRIGGER.
I won't even call it a "fear food"; that has too much UPMC sneering tied to it. It's a legit trauma trigger and I have NO IDEA WHY.
Like we were getting flashbacks. "Vague" ones, where you can't pinpoint exactly what or when you're flashing back to, but it is a DEFINITE throwback to some disturbing event. So much from the old house is. Again, like the music, we don't know why. It's just that "impending disaster" feeling-- not even "doom"; that feels too passive. This freakin' soup was triggering a feeling of inevitable CRISIS. It's a sharp fear, something quickly approaching and absolutely terrifying. Something actively dangerous. It's bizarre. But no way were we going to look for the memory when we were getting slammed by the emotional weight of it, so starkly separated as trauma loves to do.
Still, the food was from mom. We couldn't just chuck it in the bin. So... the girls decided to "fake-binge" the food so they "wouldn't be lying" if we had to tell the mother we "ate it."
Basically, they would taste it, chew it up, spit it out. Sandwich, bread, soup. No taste data after that first glimpse of the soup, to avoid any further triggers. Total sensory blackout. Hysterically scared the whole time. Impossible to get any grip on who they are in what limited data is left in memory. Honestly the ONLY reason we HAVE recollection at ALL is because BOTH XENOPHON AND MIMIC WERE ALLOWED TO BE AROUND???? that is unheard of for Outspacers, historically... except, now that I think about it, I think that's changing? I mean, Phlegmoni was allowed to be around me IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM. But his role is tied to medical stuff, so to speak... and Mimic's is apparently tied to brutal accountability. So maybe that's why he's been "allowed" to be witness to the ugliest situations we're struggling with. I mean, come on, if we're gonna have a "bad guy" become an Outspacer, we'd better admit that WE can be one heck of a "bad guy" in our own right.
And Xenophon... yeah, she gets mad (gets that from her dad) at seeing how they're hurting themselves and us, but she also cares SO much, even about "strangers," because they're still part of the System, and she KNOWS they're inherently tied to her "daddy," somehow, by sheer virtue of our multiplicity. We're all "one soul" in the end, however fragmented-- our journey is cooperative, even when it's a mess. We're all in this together, literally, and Xenophon has picked up very compassionately that, as a result, if she helps these Socials to be safe and learn how to do better-- Socials who, I repeat, cannot talk to Inside people but CAN see ghosters-- then she is helping her father as well, and everyone else both he and she love in the System at large.
And they listen to her. She doesn't threaten them like Laurie, or emptily enable their behavior like a stunned and numbed Cor(e), or even encourage them cruelly like a Tar/Plague lackey. No, Xenophon talks to them as people, and she CARES. She is tough with them, but she is also understanding, and she INSISTS ON DIALOGUE. She talks WITH them, not at them. She interacts with them as individuals, as PEOPLE, not as "behaviors" or "annoyances" or "problems to solve." And that means SO MUCH, not just to them, but to us inside, who are guilty of not having treated them as such for the most part, and never with such pure & childlike intention as Xenophon is capable of.
And... the effects were obvious. The E.D. girls were so brave, this time. It was striking and heartbreaking to see. They were TERRIFIED, BUT thanks to all that aforementioned dialogue and mercy, they ALSO now see themselves as BEING PART OF THE SYSTEM, NOT alone or rejected, and so they unanimously REFUSED TO BINGE.
That is... astronomical.
Love really does move mountains.

One last note, on that same note-- Xenophon was around ghosting all day today in general, as usual, and I can attest to the fact that her love moves mountains for me, too. So I want to specifically mention it today, because with all the emotional turmoil throwing me for a loop inside, making me lose sight of who I am, her light was the only thing getting me through the dark.
Honestly, it is impossible to be hopeless around her.

After the near-miss with mom's food (which we felt so bad about; we've made up our mind to get the guts to say "no thank you" if she offers again, WITH justification? yes she gets hurt if we "refuse" her generosity, BUT if we explain that we "don't feel safe" or "aren't feeling stable" BUT ALSO thank her anyway AND say we'll partake some other time? that should work), we ate a normal dinner (shaking but safe), and then went on the computer to do more wayback-archiving because there's a LOT there and we want to get that (and the Tumblr backup) out of the way before we tackle the literal archives we have saved offline.

As I was going through the old Tumblr archives, I saw this gem of a post:

officialkingknight: *me as a doctor* anaesthetic?? no no. you misheard me. i said aesthetic, now give me that vaporwave and a scalpel

I am laughing that is HILARIOUSLY PROPHETIC.
For inexplicable reasons, the "Red" realms (that Scalpel has been put in charge of?) are weirdly vaporwave-esque? They definitely lean "retrowave"-- more cities and nighttime and red, of course-- but still. It got a good laugh out of me.

But... honestly I spent more of my wayback-reading time close to tears, because... there are a few snapshots of our Xanga page.
Yes, the ORIGINAL one. It was like a sword through the heart. So I literally stopped everything and just started reading bits of some old Xangas from 2011-2012.
Just... Wow. Absolutely blew my mind how different the atmosphere was in headspace back then.
...Infi didn't exist yet. Julie had just converted. Xenophon had just been born. Josephina was a newbie and he was still using Lavender. We had JUST found out about the TAR. And Laurie still had so many walls up.
It was surreal. My heart was aching fit to break clear in half.
This was our LIFE. I miss this so much. Notsomuch what we were facing-- for heavens sakes, this was when I was still brainwashed into the "color chakra" way of interpreting headspace hues, which proved completely inaccurate in the long run, BUT at the time it did at least inspire some important thought processes-- what I miss is being this interactive, this involved in our collective life, this invested in each other's well-being. I miss the arguments, the brainstorming, the jokes, the love.
God, this is what I want to live for, please. This love. All for Your glory, of course, but, please... please, let us have this sort of life again, in that respect. Bring us all this close together again, even closer now that we're learning how to be open and vulnerable and hopeful. Please. Inspire us to talk again. You know, more than anyone, how these conversations all did and do bring us closer to You, Who are Love itself, and Wisdom, and everything else that fuels our existence.

...You know what, once I get all this online stuff backed up and I can finally close these browser windows without losing so much data... once we get this heavy workload complete, I promise you, I am GOING to schedule in a Xanga night. Six hours open timeslot, minimum. Just like the old days. Gotta practice getting into that state of mind, too-- make sure the Autopilot is still up to speed (haven't seen him in a while, BUT inpatient did prove to us that there ARE still a lot of people on that writing-space level...), do some meditation sessions to catch everyone's vibes clear enough to hold them stable for hours... we'll do it. We have to, on some very deep and very important level. Something about these conversations, lines and lines of colorful text, the very rhythm of our camaraderie captured in time and space... it's beautiful. It's essential. We need this, for whatever we're moving forward into. I can promise you that. We need us.


Now I need to close up this entry because Laurie is pissed-- it's 1:30am and we have therapy at 9am!
We'll do our best. We're in this together, so that's guaranteed.


120922

Dec. 9th, 2022 06:22 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)


(unfinished entry; posting openly regardless for honesty's sake)


Woke up around 10:15

RAN to doctors office for 11AM.
At one point, two Latino guys crossed the street towards me and I NEARLY BLACKED OUT FROM TERROR. That is EXACTLY what happened that morning I was punched out and mugged in NC. I felt horrible immediately running across the road away from them, but please it wasn't personal it was a survival response and I hated myself for it. Still, I was shaking. Every car that drove past me, I literally expected it to slow down and stop and for someone to grab me and pull me into it, or for someone to start making lascivious remarks, or something similarly terrorizing. The entire jog over was panicstricken. I felt SO unsafe and targeted and in danger.
This is no way to live. I'm practically agoraphobic at this point. The sight of a crowd makes me want to throw up from fear. If people get too close there's a coin's toss chance of my either becoming the "pretty and proper doll" or the rabid animal that will rip your arm off if you get too close. I hate living this way. Trauma has ruined me and I don't want to be like this. It's not me but I can't turn it off.

Didn't get home until 230PM.
We were smart and had everything out ready to prep so it didn't take long to make breakfast.
Sat down at 3pm. Had to push almost 1000K because it was so late; if we ate less now, we'd be hungry enough later to possibly binge, and we wanted to prevent that at all costs.
Basically we just doubled the broccoli and olive oil, added another half an apple and some sun chips. Simple really. As I said before, we've got a set mealplan now so there's no prep or planning stress anymore, unless we obsess over macros. The System is helping with that; just because we love even numbers and ratios doesn't mean that if we have 49/29/22 instead of 50/30/20 we've "failed" and it's "wrong". That obsessiveness is one of our biggest dangers, so we're being very wary of it. Again, communication is key-- which means TALKING, not "shutting people down." When an ED Nousfoni is resorting to "behaviors" you TALK TO THEM ABOUT IT. You ask them what's up, what are you feeling, what do you want to do, what would help, etc. NO "stop that" or "that's bad" or "you're being stupid" or anything our family might realistically say. No. We treat them as the friend and family they are and we HELP THEM.
...Laurie's new "mercy" attribute is actually helping a LOT more than anyone expected. She's been telling Spice "let 'em have an extra chip" when that one girl asks for them. And... today the girl said "NO THANK YOU." Like, when she was able to have what she wanted when she "craved" it at first, she LEARNED to not "need" it??? She admitted today that yeah, she always enjoys them, BUT she doesn't want to "keep eating them" just because of that. She said she would "rather wait until later" to make it "special" and to eat with everybody else, not at random from a drawer, by herself, feeling rejected and alienated. We're including and acknowledging these kids, which NO ONE OUTSIDE EVER DID, and it is MOVING MOUNTAINS in their recovery. Thank God. This is wonderful. There's so much love in here.

We just... need to do that for the other damaged Nousfoni in the System. The other half of the abuse.


...On that note.
Massive trigger warning for outright trauma talk coming up here.

...After breakfast, we made the mistake of going on Tumblr for a few minutes to distract ourselves from our body going "oh thank God we're finally eating" and not 'registering' that we're done for now (it usually takes about an hour; we can deal with that). We were just scrolling down our dashboard, but... we forgot that some of the folks we follow can post some very triggering things.

I swear I am about three seconds away from burning that website to the ground.
Really, I'm about a millisecond away from burning EVERYTHING of our pervading society to the ground.

I'm so sick of "pop culture" and "memes" and "the in-crowd" and "current fashions" and "modern thinking" and "new age" garbage. I am so bloody tired and furious over "liberalism" and "progressivism" and "humanism" and all that garbage. I hate what our governments are doing. I hate the hellscape they are turning this planet into. I hate how the "powers that be" are trivializing and abusing and objectifying and desecrating human life and worth and purpose. And SO MUCH OF THAT seems to be hyperdensified on the bloody internet.
Cyberspace is where the ugliest, most vicious, most demonic thoughts and ideas fester and propagate and infect countless minds. The most inhumane and immoral concepts seem to seed themselves there. Humanity dehumanizes itself online, even moreso than offline in my opinion, because online they strip themselves of a concrete identity and can exist as an anonymous point of corruption. There are entire websites where people salaciously share their most degenerate ideas without shame or even accountability. It's nauseating. I want to take a bloody hacksaw to it.

What set me off, you ask. An absolutely repulsive post about planned parenthood is what.
I apologize for all the vulgar intensifiers but I am FURIOUS and I have no other readily available way to translate that in an immediate candid manner, other than crushing this keyboard with my teeth.
Anyway. Apparently they have this "chatbot" on their website which is meant to """educate""" visitors on... topics that should NOT be discussed so lackadaisically. I always use the term "blasphemously" for this sort of talk because dammit it IS, when you get down to it.
You know what, let's just be blunt. No stupid "euphemisms" or "friendly talk" about things that should NOT be treated so insouciantly.
First off. The bot says it's "here to answer your questions about bodies, sex, and relationships." Pardon my french but KINDLY SHOVE THE HECK OFF. I loathe when people use the term "bodies" in that cursory way. It feels so coarse and degrading. And I REALLY HATE when "sex" is treated like a CONVERSATION TOPIC. I'm this close to spitting bullets, ESPECIALLY since the whole gross trio concludes with "relationships." IN THAT SAME CONTEXT. It's a subtle injection of sexuality INTO that word's definition IN GENERAL.

This corrupt chatbot is turning children into ADDICTS is what it is.
It's the same reason kids develop eating disorders and drug habits. People find out something that the human body can do and then abuse it to death.

Yeah, I said children. THAT'S what has me so enraged. The bot asks for your age, but BEFORE that it says, "don't worry... it won't take long. I can wait." And the demonic emoji winks at you.
I swear I was about to punch my computer screen. It felt LECHEROUS. Listen I have been through childhood sexual trauma and my traumabrain IMMEDIATELY RECOGNIZES THOSE DANGER SIGNS and THAT WAS ONE OF THEM.
"Don't worry" my ass. "It won't take long" has me wanting to eviscerate someone on the spot; that is the HALLMARK of sxabuse. "I can wait, WINK," don't say that to me unless you want your tongue ripped out and shoved down your bloody throat. No you CAN'T wait, you're so freaking hellbent on getting what you want that the "waiting" is just another means of torturing your victim. They can't escape, and they can't fake enthusiasm anymore, so as they drag themselves through the dread, screaming internally, to puppet-dance the way you want, you can absolutely "wait" with that simpering smile on your face, emptily reassuring them "don't worry! it's okay! it won't take long! it won't hurt! it's okay! it's normal! this is a good thing! it'll be fun! you'll enjoy it!" etc etc etc straight to hell.
Sorry. Kind of horrorventing here. It can't be prevented if I refuse to censor this pain.
But yeah. THEN you can enter your alleged ethnicity, gender, and age. The first is straightforward; the second is fairly tame too-- it allows for binary, nonbinary, trans, intersex, questioning, fluid, & "cis." I won't get into that topic now because yes I am Catholic and I do believe that the binary is legit for spiritual reasons BUT I also know that intersex is a real thing, AND that the chemicals I had pumped into me as a baby gave me medically induced dysphoria, so gender confusion is the "story of my life" and I cannot judge others for feeling the same, even if my more "tradcath" brethren tend to sweep the table clear of all of their concerns without a thought.
My problem here is with the age options.
IT STARTS AT "TWELVE AND UNDER."
I am going to frickin GUT SOMEBODY.

Here I am, "roleplaying" myself as a terrified tween, and when I ask "does it hurt" and "is it normal to bleed" they're like "yeah it can happen but sex can also be fun" YOU'RE THE DEVIL. STOP ACTING LIKE IT'S OKAY FOR A LITERAL TWELVE YEAR OLD TO BE ASKING ABOUT THIS.
...I'm just thankful that there is a page on "consent" there, under the "relationships" tab. The bot says: "Consent means that whether you’re kissing, holding hands, or having sex, both people are really, truly into what’s going on, and no one is being guilted or pressured into anything."
...THAT is something I wish someone told me as a kid, that bit about guilt. I was always told push through it, this is what you SHOULD do, etc. I just wish they used the word fear, too. Not just "pressure." Sometimes the other person seems "fine" but you're absolutely terrified and you don't want this but... they're not being mean, they're doing things that are supposed to be nice and kind, right? so shouldn't i just do what they want? 

Another good point:
"When a relationship is healthy, you feel good about yourselves and each other most of the time. You both feel like you have respect, kindness, trust, honesty, equality, and good communication. And you also give each other space to have your own lives outside the relationship."
...That's not something I've ever had in the waking world, sadly. I don't want to go in-depth now but it is deeply depressing.
You know, what the heck. No running away. In-depth it is.
"Respect" was always shallow and fleeting, and it refused to "learn too much." They'd claim to give it, but it was just a word. It was more like temporary tolerance UNTIL you changed to become something they were more comfortable with. "I respect you," they would say, but they wouldn't follow through. This one is hard to put words to. I guess it's how Jade feels, too. People claim "respect" and then blatantly act in contrast to it, especially in subtle ways-- with her, it's the constant deadnaming and mispronouning, the casual invalidations of their spiritual beliefs and identity, EVEN from people who say "I respect you; you can identify as and believe whatever you want!" They forget to add the key part: "...and I will treat that identity and belief WITH respect." That part is conspicuously missing. Even from me, in the past, I have to confess. I didn't understand this virtue well myself, and honestly STILL don't, what with the Catholic aspect of it. "You CANNOT respect heretics," I'm told. "You SHOULD invalidate and denounce them. God's Law is more important than someone else's delusions." Well, yes, intellectually so. But... if I know that telling someone "your feelings and beliefs are false, but mine are not" is going to send them into a suicidal breakdown, I'm NOT going to say it, even "indirectly" through behavior and language. Except... I have been doing that. It's because I don't respect MYSELF, either. I've never been respected for who I am and what I believe, so... I can't properly show it to myself, OR to others, as a result. I'm genuinely struggling with this. I'm glad I'm writing that down. It's something I MUST work with, intrapersonally and interpersonally.
"Kindness"... same thing. Too much disingenuous behavior there. I try to think of examples of "kindness" and outside of parental care, I... can't find much. What do I define as "kindness," personally, I must ask. It means... acting and speaking in ways that do not harm, that actively work towards a benevolent end for someone, that is gentle and considerate and compassionate. Kindness. Treat others with friendship and care. Be personally invested in their well-being. It's a monolith virtue, really, a close sister to Love itself. And... like I've been hinting at in my recent Scripture studies, I haven't always been kind. I WANT to be, and I do try to be, but... I fail, a lot. I'm usually too scared to do what is "kind," because "I'm afraid of the cost and consequences to myself." WHY. WHAT MADE ME SUCH A COWARD. Is it the stupid trauma? That my "fear of others" has become so pervasive as to undermine kindness? That I hesitate to offer a helping hand because it might get stabbed or bitten? Or because they might grab it and pull me to the ground and use me all the more "now that I've given them unspoken permission?" Why do I see "kindness" acted upon as a "doorway to abuse?" My mom tells me this ALL THE TIME. "You need to be harsh and mean towards people," she says, "or they'll treat you like garbage. You need to learn how to shout back, and fight back, and when they push you then you push back harder." et cetera. I don't want to be like that. Good God is this why I feel so achingly drawn to Mimic??? "Friendship is a weakness" and all that? Yeah I have to be brutally honest and admit that DEFINITELY has its fangs in me somewhere. I do avoid making friends, even though I desperately want to, because... all my past friendships have damaged me. They've "put my life on the line" and I always ended up feeling like a trapped animal, even when I did love and care for the other person. Somehow, in the end, the "friendship" always had a huge price tag attached. My Christian instinct tells me, "all the better! Love is most virtuous when it is unrequited and even rejected! You can only be TRULY kind if you are choosing to be kind to someone who treats you like trash!" "Virtue is only virtue in extremis." I adore that line but it haunts me, too. I WANT to be a kind person. And yes I want Mimic to learn how to be kind, too, but I've gotta admit half of that is definitely a mutual-problem projection. I see how he brazenly throws people under the bus to save his own tentacles but I have done that in less obvious ways, too. I cannot tell you how many times I've woken up, shaken, from dreams in which some catastrophe is occurring and I don't run back in to save anyone. I get myself out of there and THEN I realize, "oh no, I didn't save anyone else." My instinct was to get my own worthless self out of there, and if everyone else died... well. I wake up in a cold sweat and hating myself. But I refuse to surrender to despair. I refuse to define myself by those base impulses. If that IS what my subconscious is geared to do, then God help me I had BETTER WORK TO CHANGE THAT. I can't give in to the darkness that I KNOW is lurking in me. I WON'T. I am DETERMINED to be a kind person. I just... most days, I get so scared that it's not possible. I fear I'm too evil TO be kind. But dammit I still try. I still stop and listen to my neighbors talk even when I'm almost grinding my teeth with impatience; I stop and make the effort to genuinely listen and comment and care, because I DO care, I just don't like talking. And that selfish bit likes to overpower any sincerity. Same with the Christmas cards I keep getting. I could easily chuck 'em in the bin and say "I don't know these people" OR I could go the "religious spite" route and say "these are all secular cards, I'll send them all explicitly religious ones in return", OR I could grumble and protest "I can't afford to send so many cards," OR I could do what I'm REALLY tempted to do, which is to say "if I send them a card back, that's opening the door to ANOTHER controlling "relationship" and I am so tired of feeling obligated to entertain and chat with everyone; if I just snub them all maybe they'll leave me alone and I'll have peace." But deep down I'd be miserable, because I STILL LOVE PEOPLE and I DO want to give them all Christmas cards but I'd love to do so anonymously. Except if they asked I couldn't lie. And I AM overwhelmed by the effort. But dammit LOVE IS EFFORT, and it's a CHOSEN EFFORT, so unless I REALLY want to be a hypocrite I had better buy some cards and do this. I want to, in my heart of hearts. My TRUE "instinct" is to not only send cards, but gifts and flowers and the whole shebang. My deepest urge is to lavish love on everyone, like I did in high school, when I first had a job and didn't understand the concept of "savings" and all that. It was just, "oh cool I have cash, I'll buy myself something and then I'll buy SO MANY GIFTS." I made it a point of honor to spend at LEAST $100 PER PERSON on EVERY HOLIDAY. And back then my ONLY complaint was that I didn't have enough money. NOT gripingly-- more like, "if I DID have more cash I could get stuff for MORE people!" I didn't care about the cash. I just wanted to dote. My only regret in hindsight is that, due to my upbringing, I had "gifts" as a "love language" forced upon me. It's what my immediate social circle demanded. Touch was considered whorish and filthy, Words were considered empty and easily forgotten or skewed-- AND I couldn't give them casually; you know me and words-- Time was something I didn't have in order to give, and Acts were fused with gifts, really. I lived that "act" bit; it was my default. It subtly still is. If I see a "good deed" I can do, I'll do it, especially anonymously. But I'm rambling. I WANT to be kinder. Just... I struggle. And I struggle with naming examples of it shown to me, at first. The only ones I have feel so hollow it actually hurts. Like, "I got Christmas cards from the neighbors!" but they were given to everyone, just a generic "happy holidays hope it's fun" with a signature, and I've never met them in person. Is that the criteria for kindness? If I set the bar that low for defining this virtue, will I slack off as well? And will I ever admit my need of kindness in my life, if I just settle for the most robotic expression? Again, Christian-brain says "yes! You shouldn't seek kindness to be given to you! You should be happy with being treated like dirt! Your feelings don't matter. What matters is BEING kind. If others are kind to you, remember they don't owe it to you, and for all you've done you don't deserve it either. It's not a reward or a recompense. Be grateful for it, but don't cling to it." And although that is sound advice I'm starving for some actual sweetness here, I might sound like a whore but I want someone to WANT to be kind to me, even "just because." Honestly that's one of the things I was thinking about with Mimic, earlier. "Virtue is only virtue in extremis" again. Love is a CHOICE, and it's PURE that way. It DOESN'T use words like "deserve" and "owe" and "should." If it did, then it would exclude and judge others. But no. Love, and kindness, and all virtue, DECIDES to just do good for others because they exist. Simple as that. "Why me," and I say "why not you," and when they list all the reasons why they "don't deserve to be cared for" it just... honestly it should just go over my head. Love doesn't care about that. It doesn't justify things, no, it wants you to do better and heal and move forwards, BUT it also doesn't deem you "unlovable" because of them. That's the fragile dance. To truly be kind, to truly love, you MUST see and love and care for the WHOLE ENTIRE REAL PERSON, without labeling them, AND without "leaving them in the dirt" either. I want what's best for them, honestly best, what will bring genuine joy and purpose to their life, what will not hurt their soul. That's shown through kindness... through mercy. God shows me that all the time. I haven't gotten it much from people. But I need to make a list, and NOT one that says stuff like "they didn't throw me on the streets when I was being a bitch" and "they still fed me even if I was an ungrateful pig" and "they didn't insult me when I shared my personality" BECAUSE it doesn't mean "they went out of their way to make me feel safe" or "they were respectful and considerate when I displayed negative symptoms" or "they talked to me about what I valued with a genuine interest." I don't have things like that to list. And that's where kindness is really shown. It's heartfelt.
"Trust". That one hurts. I always "trusted" BUT it also always occurred IN OPPOSITION. I would be scared to death BUT I would still choose to "trust" because "that's what good people do," and "they're not a bad person!" But... I don't think anyone ever trusted me, in contrast. Ever. I didn't deserve it, though. I admit that. It still hurts to realize. I have longtime issues with compulsive lying, and half-truths, and sometimes not even knowing what's real or not due to dissociation or derealization. Not only that, but my "people-pleasing" programming often "makes" me knee-jerk agree or offer to do things that I'm NOT CAPABLE OF DOING, or even willing to do in the first place. And it happens SO AUTOMATICALLY that the only escape I have is... making myself a liar. I'll say "yeah I'll do that" or "yes I like that" or "yes that's okay" or "no there's no problem" etc. and it's completely false BUT I say it so reflexively. And then I'm pinned like a butterfly to a board. Doomed, unless I bail and run. It happens far too often, and then people call me "two-faced" and a "manipulator" and all sorts of just accusations but I honestly don't know what else to do. I am COMPLETELY untrustworthy in bodyspace, and probably have been since my youth. I grew up in a family that legit taught me to lie and even ENCOURAGED it in many situations. My mother STILL TELLS ME OUTRIGHT to "lie" to get out of trouble, or avoid an undesired outcome, or to "make things easier" or the like. She doesn't see it as lying if "the ends justify the means," I guess. But then you can't be trusted, if you do things like that. And I DESPERATELY WANT TO BE TRUSTED. If I had to make a list of my emotional needs that would be one of the first three, hands-down. Again... this is something Chaos 0 & I talk about very often and we bond over it a lot, too. But... maybe even more than him, I know what it's like to be constantly suspected, to be assumed guilty without trial, to be seen as inherently deceptive and shady... to be known as a backstabber, a double-crosser, a traitor. God knows I have literally heard those words more often than I want to count, let alone admit. And I deserve it. But just like kindness, God I WANT to be trustworthy, so badly it's killing me. I WANT to be reliable, and honorable, and loyal and true and faithful. I want my word to mean something, that when I give it, it can be depended on. I want to be staunch and stalwart and steadfast, like a rock-- like a precious stone, isn't that ironic.
"Honesty." This ties into "trust," and as a result it's probably what I've had the least of in my life. You can't trust someone if they're not honest. But... again, it's what I've lived with, and learned. My family always wore masks, hid things, told baldfaced lies. My "relationships" were hallmarked by people admitting to personae and playing roles. I never knew who people actually were. I never knew what they actually felt or thought or wanted or intended. I never knew how to be myself, either, with that atmosphere. So I wasn't honest, either, out of fear and self-distrust. What a stupid irony. All I wanted was for people to be honest, but... when I tried to be honest myself, I got punished, or called a liar anyway.
"Equality." Not even sure how to define that. With my family, it's prominently lacking-- I've told therapists before how I was always treated shockingly differently from my siblings because I was born with different chromosomes.
"Good communication." Another absolute F on my report card here.
"Space to have your own lives." ...This one was the killing bullet in all my "relationships." I was always caught in situations where I was bound to "exist FOR the relationship ONLY."

...The only healthy relationships I've ever had are in headspace, and even those have so many rough spots because I fail to live up to my part.

(continue)
...


Sorry for rambling. Let's get back on the main topic so I can be done with this.
Next is ABOUT THAT "CONSENT" THING. Notice what they grouped together? "Sex" and "kissing" and "hand holding." Three COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS that can overlap but SHOULD NOT BE GROUPED BY DEFAULT. EVER.
That's the disgusting slippery slope mentality that has turned my life into a living hell SINCE childhood. It infects EVERYTHING. How in the world are you supposed to have a NONSEXUALIZED RELATIONSHIP if people keep subtly associating innocent acts of affection and closeness with literal intercourse??? Like if you have one, you're GOING to have the other. It's one of the most devilish things that ever happened to me, internalizing that after hearing it ad nauseam.
...

I'm just so disturbed by this entire bank of info they offer because it's split between two opposing things. On one hand, they're legit giving some good information. They're fairly informative about how to get help after abuse & what pregnancy is & why consent is important, BUT they're also speaking FROM A BASEPOINT of "it's ALSO okay to masturbate and have abortions and treat sex like a toy!" NO IT'S NOT. And that corrupted foundation wrecks the whole entire thing.
There's a sentence in their info pages that basically says "pregnancy can result from sex." WHAT THE HECK, WHAT DO YOU THINK SEX IS FOR??? But here it is: on another page "People define 'sex' in different ways!" MORE TRAUMA LIES.
Honestly the dichotomy on this site is insane. On one hand they're treating sex like a game or a recreational activity-- they're giving tips to literal children on how to abuse their own sexuality, telling them "only you know when you're ready" and "virginity varies from person to person" and other such garbage. They talk about sex like it's this "fun thing to do" AND YET they have full sections on rape and assault and bloody abortions. MAKE UP YOUR MINDS. IT CANNOT BE BOTH.

I'm sorry, I cannot do this. The wrath is quickly turning into absolute existential despair and I am going to end up having nightmares and flashbacks and abusive episodes if I keep this up. No.

...Someone commented on the Tumblr post, "Applying their own twisted morality to impressionable children is grooming and abuse."
I agree entirely. That's what has me so wrecked about this. I see the entire traumatic pattern of my past looming over any children who stumble across this abomination. I wasn't "ignorant" when it happened to me, and it didn't help at all. You can sugarcoat extramarital underage sex all you want, it doesn't make it right, and it doesn't make it not terrifying either.

...
I am so bloody angry. And I want to scream and cry on some deeper level.
There are so many nousfoni that deal with so many aspects of this. Julie and Infinitii and Ashen and Dread and all the adult women that (thank God) we haven't seen in ages. The little boys who are so unstable they're almost not alive. The little girls who shriek constantly. Sugar and Wreckage and all the other unnamed Protectors who would tear out the throat of any would-be assaulter on a dime.
And then there's me, of all people, me and my awful Red heart, acting like Cupid hirself and defending this entire topic with all my might and yet I'm such a stupid hypocrite, aren't I? I'm a tangle of paradoxes. Queer transgender Catholic. Fictoromantic asexual cardiophile. Obsessed with sensuality but grossed out by physical bodies in general. I mean for God's sake my daengel is Infinitii, I can sputter out all the fumbling alibis I want but ze is the damning evidence, the judge's hammer personified.
...Yesterday night, I clicked on hir Spotify playlist.

(continue)

...

We got a text from our new therapist around 6:30, which was good because we were getting so emotionally distressed that we needed a break from typing this. Unfortunately she sent us a "Depression Inventory" to fill out, haha. We're not touching it until tomorrow when we can answer it in earnest with a clearer head. Right now everything would be skewed from being so mentally disheveled.
But yeah, we ACTUALLY have our intake appointment tomorrow at 1pm! Thank GOD; our CPTSD symptoms have been getting pretty bad post-inpatient and have been spiking lately with all the family overwhelm and online triggers. I think it'll be a video appointment; I don't think we'll have a car until Sunday (and we have to go shopping then anyway, as much as we hate to on a Sunday; we'll have to put Larnelle Harris on loop while we drive). But the new therapist is actually only a few minutes away from our apartment! So that's awesome. I'll have to check if there's a local bus that goes that way, maybe we can schedule around that? We'll see.

We spent a little while filling out the "new patient data" and skimming through the legal jargon; we're very familiar with it but it still needs to be reviewed and signed before we can become a legit patient. HOWEVER. This is the first time we've been asked for our gender and pronouns on a form. Remembering how disturbing it was to "wake up" as a System DURING INPATIENT-- AGAIN-- and to realize that whoever had been driving prior was presenting us as the birth default, which literally does not apply when we're PLURAL in any case. So, seeing it on this paper, we recognized that we had to be completely honest about it. Pronouns are they/them of course, but "gender?" How do we state that? Yes, it varies in-System, but the System as a whole isn't fronting as a whole during therapy. That's gonna ideally be the Core. But... they're not binary, and they're not actually "nonbinary" either, since-- as Catholics-- we DO recognize that male/female dichotomy as a legit split and that is apparent in the System, even with folks who are ACTUALLY "nonbinary" in that they are nonhuman and sexless. Typically people still choose one set of binary pronouns, and see that pink-blue complement as a sliding scale, almost? Like, look at Laurie. "She" is OBVIOUSLY not "female." She's not a "girl." BUT she's also not a "boy". Literally Laurie is "neuter," as all Nousfoni are, with the VERY rare function-based exceptions of Julie and Infinitii. Nevertheless, our System still recognizes "masculine" and "feminine" as valid descriptors... BUT IN AN ANDROGYNOUS FASHION. And THAT is what hit hard, thinking about our "body gender" today. Laurie uses "female" pronouns, but in the System, "femininity" is ONLY safe if it's "MASCULINE." Likewise, Knife uses "male" pronouns, but "masculinity" is ONLY safe if it's "FEMININE." Literally both binaries paradoxically merge the binary into a united harmony? While still being "independent" qualities? It's kinda beautiful really and yes we CAN have "feminine girls" and "masculine guys" but they historically tend to be abusive or corrupt. Child Nousfoni don't really adhere to this at all, because their presentations are almost always wrecked by trauma. Not only that, but "male/female" behavior characteristics really don't appear until the teenage years, so to speak. Before that, it's straight-up androgyny. And THAT'S what we really present as, physically. We NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE. We DO get dysphoria-- we look in the mirror and to this day the body looks wrong and feels foreign and we are always taken by surprise in that respect, negatively so-- BUT it goes for BOTH BINARY CHARACTERISTICS. We don't want ANY reproductive organs, which is priority, so for years we thought we were "neutrois" or "agender"... but then we realized we felt comfortable with facial hair and a more "masculine" presentation. BUT even as we lived "as a guy," we didn't want to BE a male? Not the way the world saw males, at least. We didn't want to "be in that group," or associate with that label. But we ALSO DID NOT EVER WANT TO BE CONSIDERED A GIRL, even moreso than a boy. Furthermore, the "adulthood" thing feels wrong in BOTH ways, possibly due to trauma, UNLESS we're a DAD. THEN we can be a "man." Our personal identity on the masculine side is hilariously weird-- either we're an anime protagonist dude, or we're a videogame single father, haha. Those are the tropes that fit! As for our "feminine" side, there's... not one? Which is BIZARRE. We do have "feminine traits" and yeah we were trying on dresses the other day, but we must always add that "boyish" edge or it feels COMPLETELY WRONG. We cannot have long hair, or makeup, or too much jewelry, because the instant we "step over the androgyne line" we're NOT OURSELF.
So... that seems to be the gender term for us to use, to communicate this properly. "Androgynous." A mixture of male and female, WITHOUT BEING EITHER. It's a "third gender," that doesn't reject the other two. We'll "wear" this term for a while and see how other people respond to and perceive it, to make sure it's giving the correct impression, even if they don't know we're a System-- probably especially so. In any case, that's what we put on the intake form. "Androgyne, they/them." So that was a little milestone.

It was getting late around that time, and we needed to eat at 8:30 at the latest, so we put in a solid effort to exercise around 7:45. We got 35 minutes in, but again we had to put the resistance on 4 and go slow because we're still nauseous and we KEEP getting palpitations when we exert ourselves at all? The edema in our legs is back, too, as of last night, which we haven't had since inpatient. What the heck is up with all this? It hit so suddenly and won't go away. The "malaise" is awful. Did we catch COVID again and not realize it, what with all the running around we've been doing with mom while in such a stressed-out state? God only knows, but I hope it's not that serious. We'll see, I guess.
...Actually hold up, our bloodwork results from this morning just came in. Our CMP is ACTUALLY NORMAL across the board, which I don't think has happened in YEARS. However our CBC shows that our WBC (white blood cells) are still in the low zone, BUT now our HCT (red blood cells) are really high? Which is NEW. Hopefully it's just dehydration, and not heart trouble. At least this explains the headaches, dizziness, & fatigue, apparently. At least our platelets are completely average; platelet disorders run in our family. I'm just hoping that this white/red imbalance (how ironic) isn't... well, cancer. That runs in our family, too. But... our grandmother suffered and died from it, so if we had to, too... it would be a weirdly bittersweet sort of recompense. Like we could share that, empathize with her, after the fact. I don't know. I'm worrying too much, getting too close to unearthing that unresolved and crushing guilt for her death. I can't handle that right now. Therapy is tomorrow. We'll see what the doctor says about the blood. Tonight we can't do anything about either, so put it in God's hands and let it go.

Anyway. Dinner was at 8:45, I think? No carrots this time, and a full bag of broccoli (we were craving it for some reason). Also, Xenophon reminded us that she wanted to try eating the "wiggly egg" on the english muffin we always have, so we did that-- and it was really nice actually? So we thanked her and shared it with her and we're definitely doing that for dinner from now on, haha.
We're also completely out of all all yogurt flavors except vanilla, which is our favorite so no complaints there. We had the last cherry one today and I still can't figure out if I "like" that fruit as more than a concept or not. Yes, it's red and glossy, but do we like the taste of it? No clue. No idea why our brain does that in any case, the whole "conceptual fondness" thing. It's interesting as much as it's frustrating, as it makes it very hard to form our "own opinions" because "preferences" don't really exist in that "obligatory" context. We're trying to work on it, but it's all experimental, so to speak. So we'll have to try another cherry one when we do a grocery run.
Oh. That reminds me. That dream I had yesterday morning... well, after that scene the dream did what dreams love to do and got a bit random. Apparently we had to "reintegrate Mimic back into society" and part of that process somehow involved teaching him to eat properly?? Which feels like a specific subconscious reference to our inpatient treatment & release. But, the only food the Restoration crew had on hand was yogurt. Like tons of bizarre flavors of it. Amusingly, Mimic was trying them all, as interestedly as if he had never eaten legit food before. I remember one of them was like... "Lingonberry & Brass." Yes as in the metal. Apparently this was his favorite one too, haha. Thinking about all this after I had this sudden mental image of Tangle asking Mimic "why are you eating all the yogurt" and his reply was just "no bones." Which is HILARIOUS, what the heck dude. So now, uh, when we go shopping I'm going to have to try lingonberry flavor. Just because.

Ah hold up I just remembered what else I had to tell you!
Xenophon (thankfully) pushed me to do MUSIC WRITING today. "Even just three notes, dad," she said. So I went on the League laptop (good ol' Scherzando) and started by finding all our old FL Studio files-- honestly the last time we were really prolific musically was from 2008-2015, with Abbey and that "temp laptop" that a Protector/Persecutor literally destroyed when they found out hackers were using it. We still mourn that loss-- it happened during the most productive creative phase we've had in YEARS, and... everything was gone in an instant. Days worth of art and music and writing, erased with one furious punch to the motherboard. Gone. Still, it was fitting penance; we were in the WORST state of our mind as well, simultaneously. We still refer to 2015 as the "hell year," even if we don't actively remember it. That's the reason it's missing from recall.
Anyway. We want to start again. So I found the old files, and moved them all into their League folders, but when I got to Imagirealm (Otherside) and FFN I forgot that their tunes had been moved into other Leagueworlds somewhat? So I stopped, and decided, "let's bring up ALL the FL filenames and check for location doubles." Surprisingly there were only like three; everything else had been correctly moved prior, apparently... and then there was this one file in a subfolder for Oneircia?? We FORGOT that when we almost scrapped "Immaculata" we dumped the "angel" file into Oneircia as a placeholder, and there was a tiny music loop saved in it. "handbells_2". Just a short thing, but it had such a cool vibe and I really liked how the handbell sound had been edited to sound "rounder" and more metallic. Wondering where to put it, I started adding some chords to the melody line, just for fun, and then thought "hm I wonder what to do for a bassline" and decided "let's go full-out grunge kicks" and tossed one in there. Well it sounds BOSS now. And I had to stick a limiter on it because that bass was peaking instantly, haha. But yeah, I spent like an hour just having fun with that. I miss that-- creating for the sake of creating, even just loops, because they're still beautiful sounds and they still enrich and express the Worlds they later are given to. I think we're going to keep this one in "Immaculata," because I don't want to scrap ANY Leagueworld, and this little tunebit-- which I'm calling "warrior angel" for now-- might be just the seed it needs to regrow into something real.
You know... it actually sounds like something I would have written back in college. It's got that same vibe. That means a lot to me, considering we thought that creative spark was lost after the trauma resurgence of the same time period. Apparently not, thanks be to God, because we just made something from that spark! 
Oh and when we exercise now I have ALL the Leaguetunes that exist on our phone now, so we can LISTEN to them again. And I FORGOT how much I legit LOVE the Flairousia OSTs!! Those are my "fun" projects; little transformation themes for each character that follow the same rough structure but NEED to match their personal "elemental" vibe. And they're SO FUN TO LISTEN TO. Gosh I need to jump back into writing THOSE, even if the series is under major rehaul right now. Don't care bro, I'm still gonna compose stuff for it. Heck, it might even help with the reconstruction! In any case, the music MUST still be relevant and it WILL be. So that's my next goal-- FINISH YVONNE'S TRANSFORMATION THEME FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES, haha. It's the only one NOT complete from the first generation of kids. Then I can work on the other dozens of 'em, geez louise. *dean mccoppin pose* ART!
(OH and Neon Flames Phase Two STILL ROCKS. It's such a dynamic track.)
Lastly I just brought this topic up because exporting it as an mp3 was taking forever and it's probably done an hour later, haha. So let me go close that up and I'll come back here to the new laptop (good ol' Sophrosyne) and close this up so we can SLEEP for heavens sakes, it's 1am already and we NEED to get like nine hours in to make up for the past two nights. 


Sorry for the emotional whiplash AND obvious multiple authors in this entry but this screen's been open for hours.
It's good, though. We're being completely sincere with our life, moment to moment, with this daily journaling again. Recording the pain and sorrow as well as the love and joy... it's essential.
We'll be back here again tomorrow to do the same.

prismaticbleed: (angel)
 
Getting gutpunched by the translations on this passage.


POINT ONE:

Have the same concern for everyone.
Live in harmony with each other.
Be friendly with everyone.
Live together in peace with each other.
Live happily together in a spirit of harmony, and be as mindful of another’s worth as you are your own
Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy; share tears when they’re down.
Be of the same mind one toward another.
Always try to be friends with other Christians and don’t argue with them.
Be of the same mind one toward another.

POINT TWO:

Do not be proud, but accept humble duties.
Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people.
Don't be proud and feel that you know more than others.
Don’t be proud, but be willing to be friends with people who are not important to others.
Make friends with ordinary people.
Do not be haughty (snobbish, high-minded, exclusive), but readily adjust yourself to [people, things] and give yourselves to humble tasks.
Do not be haughty [conceited, self-important, exclusive], but associate with humble people [those with a realistic self-view].
Don’t live with a lofty mind-set, thinking you are too important to serve others, but be willing to do menial tasks and identify with those who are humble minded.
Get along with each other; don’t be stuck-up. Make friends with "nobodies."
Set not your mind on high things, but condescend to things that are lowly.
Don’t think to yourself, “I’m too good to be with them.” Sit down with anybody and be their friend.
Consider everyone as equal, and don’t think that you’re better than anyone else. Instead, associate with people who have no status.


POINT THREE:

Do not think of yourselves as wise.
And don’t think you know it all!
Never overestimate yourself or be wise in your own conceits.
Do not overestimate yourself.
Don’t think of yourself as smarter than everyone else.
Don’t be smug or even think for a moment that you know it all.
Don’t be the great "somebody."
Remember, you don’t know everything.
Don’t think that you’re so smart.
 
...

 

120322

Dec. 3rd, 2022 11:24 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

(written on 120722; backposted for chronological accuracy)
(unfinished; will continue, refine, & edit later)



December 3rd, Saturday.
1088 steps on the pedometer, so we were home.

...Camera roll shows a photo of a "spiritual warfare" book for kids. I remember this.
We went to mass with mom in the evening, and afterwards the dude who does the funeral cleanup (he has the most eccentric mustache) was talking to mom in the lobby, and his mother had that book? She was going to give it to the CCD teachers. I remember piping up that it was definitely important to let kids know that yes, spiritual warfare is REAL, and the devil absolutely targets children, which we see explicitly in today's culture.
...Mom ended up traumadumping. It broke my heart.
A few things she said struck hard. The biggest one was, "I feel like God is punishing me, with all the struggles I have with my kids. It's like He's saying, "well, YOU wanted them so badly, now you have to PROVE that you're WORTHY of being their mother!""
...She always brings up the gender issues with 3/4 of us, the mental illnesses, the social ineptitude, the lack of common milestones, the general fact that we robbed her of a normal average life by being sick and weird. And she sees it as GOD PUNISHING HER FOR WANTING KIDS AND GOING THROUGH HELL TO GET US HERE. Like she literally ALMOST DIED EVERY TIME she had a kid. She was encouraged to abort the twins. She adamantly refused all opposition, was bedridden and pumped full of drugs & hormones for months, hemorrhaged way too much, and was cut open six ways to Sunday several times when her body just couldn't deliver naturally. And we all turned out freakish, I guess. Not physically malformed or mentally handicapped, no-- that's not true deformity. Our brains are screwed up. We're all queer and insane, basically. And she sees that as divine chastisement.
...This isn't about me. Except it is. It's about me AND my siblings AND my mom, AND our religion, and it REALLY HURTS and it's REALLY FRIGHTENING to see this constant war with God in our household, focused around things we can't seem to change or turn off or ignore.
...


Breakfast was at noon, and had added sunchips & a chicken nugget, probably to even out macro ratios.
It also thanks SPICE for "keeping everyone safe," the first day she is mentioned in the log!

"Lunch" is... at 19:56. AGAIN. No wonder we had a hell week with food; we were going like 8 HOURS fasting every day, eating when we should be getting ready for bed, AND doing so after SOCIAL OVERWHELM and LOTS OF STRESS. So it was a recipe for disaster.
Dinner was normal, but it mentions the "vanilla fudge" again and I KNOW for a fact that The Destroyer showed up and "got rid of it." We felt awful about it-- we had wanted to save that piece for mom's sake-- but it was labeled as such a "threat" that it was deemed too dangerous to keep.

...



120222

Dec. 2nd, 2022 11:16 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

(written on 120722; backposted for chronological accuracy)
(unfinished; will continue, refine, & edit later)


December 2nd, Friday.
3510 steps on the pedometer, and I know why.
This was the day our sister threatened suicide.
Yes, "sister." I saw them today and they are NOT our "brother" anymore. It's just as obvious as our own identity-shifts with multiplicity. They are presenting as female, and they are using a different name, and we cannot be hypocritical and reject that, ESPECIALLY when such disrespect is what triggered their suicidal break in the first place. So we humbly confess that in the past we have been disregarding their emotional needs here, and we will not do that anymore.
...On that note. We saw a quote someone posted to Tumblr. "The only clear line I draw these days is this: when my religion tries to come between me and my neighbor, I will choose my neighbor... Jesus never commanded me to love my religion. “ Barbara Brown Taylor.
...
I cannot remember how or when we found out. Our first memory is being in the car with our mother, and her showing us these text messages from Jade talking about how "no one in the world respects or understands me" and "life is all about dying" and "no one will ever love the real me" and "I know what truth lies beyond this world and I want to go there instead of living in this excuse for reality" and "I'm going to post crazy sh*t on the internet and then I'm going to swallow this entire pill bottle" etc. But WILD language. Absolutely unhinged. We recognize it; we type like that, too, when we're off the rails. So we knew it was serious.
I know we ended up at our mom's boyfriend's house? She was crying in the kitchen, and didn't know what to do. OH YEAH, on the way there we were on the phone with 911 asking how to 302 our sister, did we have to do that on paper in the ER, could we meet the paramedics somewhere, etc. Just trying to figure out details while in "crisis management mode" (Mulberry's old job; bless her, I wonder if she's still around) so we weren't "being useless" when our mother was in dire straits. It did help; when we told her the general potential plan of action, it did give her some "foundation" to stand on and she was able to pull herself together a little.
Ultimately she packed some food for our sister and decided to drive to her apartment alone, to "talk her down" and just try to manage everything as a mom, without getting police or hospitals involved, because our sister would ABSOLUTELY FLIP OUT if any "government authority" showed up; it would probably make things MUCH worse.
So off mom went, and we went back to our apartment, and our memory goes totally blank but I can guarantee you we probably binged and purged as a dissociative stress-dump self-abuse shutdown response. We had no other way of "calming down" on such short notice, and the only way to get our brain to stop obsessing and panicking over our sister was to just... obsess and panic over our own health instead. Asinine and selfish and absolutely stupid, but it's a sick and ancient habit. At least we're aware of the risks, I guess.
...
Phone download image roll shows we were on Tumblr for a bit? Possibly post-purge, to "reset" our brain-level (get it INSIDE instead of OUTSIDE, and therefore halt any urges to restart the abuse cycle). There's some sonic images, some fakemon, some biblical angel gifs (that are UTTERLY GORGEOUS and feel JUST LIKE INFI), some OFMD fanart? which we've never watched but there are some themes that really cut to our heart... Notably THIS and THIS (those are the ones we saved).
...


Checking the dietary log, breakfast was at noon, and this was the day with the "wrecked egg." I remember that because it was VERY triggering to some of the ED voices to the point of a near breakdown. Xenophon had to talk them down from it (her innate sweetness and gentleness works wonders, it's genuinely amazing) because otherwise we might have had a morning purge which is HELL (they are rare but you want to DIE when they happen).

"Lunch" was at 19:39. Super late again, which is understandable considering the day's events.
There's a note that we had a tiny piece of "vanilla fudge", which I forgot about-- mom bought us a piece yesterday at the mall (she bought a big box for herself & our siblings, but we don't like chocolate and ACTUALLY were brave enough to ASSERT that so she got us vanilla). There was also a single chicken nugget for protein??? I forgot we bought a bag of this gluten-free, non-filler brand to try, because animal proteins have vitamins we can't get from just eggs and milk (which we didn't eat for YEARS anyway and are only eating now so we don't get nutritional deficiencies again).

But... there's another addition, at 6pm? An apple and a single peppermint. I FORGOT about that-- we were on the road with mom for so long that our blood sugar started to bottom out, so we stopped at Wegmans (yes we were THAT FAR OUT on the road) and ate a tiny gala apple and a mint from our emergency bag to stay stable until we got home.
...With all that in mind, I have no idea if we binged/purged or not when we got home, due to stress and overwhelm. We probably did, to be honest. We still haven't found a way to properly cope with the social overwhelm without going into flat-out self-abusive loops.


Also.
This morning, at the breakfast log, there's a shoutout to Razor. This is the first time she's been mentioned.
...We have a bandage on our left arm.


(...)

120122

Dec. 1st, 2022 11:44 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)

(written on 120722; backposted for chronological accuracy)
(unfinished; will continue, refine, & edit later)


December 1st, Thursday.
4545 steps on the pedometer. We must have gone out.

Breakfast at 12:30???
There's a thank-you note to HARMONIA in the log!!
 
Lunch was at 20:30 WTF.
It's also apparent disaster. There are unusual items listed-- pear, tomato, spinach. So we apparently went shopping AND bought without a list, indicating a manic-leaning state, and definite dissociative compulsions.
I know for a fact we purged all of this. We got very sick from the spinach (so does our mom and brother; we think it's a histamine sensitivity, and we need to stop ignoring the fact that we DO react the same) and Allegra freaked out so that was our "emergency exit."

As for the rest of the day... well, considering this was the day after the entry in which we mentioned the library sale, and since we got home SO LATE, this was DEFINITELY a day when we went shopping WITH MOM.
Ah yes-- checking the camera log, it was. We went BACK to the mall and mom had us try on so many dresses, insisting on buying two of them for us to wear to church. Honestly it was... kind of disturbing and highly triggering at times. She KNOWS we're not cis, and haven't been for OUR WHOLE LIFE, and even presented fulltime as MALE for like... a full decade. She KNOWS this. And yet she STILL forces femininity on us, sometimes VERY bluntly and without much tact. Does... does she not remember or realize how badly that triggers us? When she goes out of her way to call us a "woman" or insist on us being "feminine" AND still talks about our body in sexualized terms JUST LIKE SHE DID WHEN WE WERE YOUNG, which started this whole hell of trauma grooming-- does she do so because she's trying to gaslight us into becoming what SHE wants and that she KNOWS we're NOT? Because as much as I hate to say it, that is something she would do. She... can be stubborn, and VERY much in denial.
...
Still, we look... really good in a few of those outfits, haha. And we DID try on the "Genesis dress" although it admittedly paled in comparison to the dresses our mom picked. That woman has an EYE for fashion, let me tell you.
You get ONE PHOTO

That's our favorite one, that we picked out-- obviously, because it's red with gemstones, come on


Phone image downloads indicate that we were on Tumblr doing faithbrowsing, as it were, while we were eating that hyperlate lunch.
It ALSO shows that, around 13:30, we checked out our "Spotify Wrapped," which we always look forward to because music is SO IMPORTANT to us as a System, AND it is the #1 CHRONOLOGICAL ANCHOR for us. Listening to tunes is a legit time machine; so every end-of-year summary brings back FLOODS of unexpected memories.

Our top tracks were:
1. SUPER SONIC RACING AW YEAAAAH SON!!! This was our TREADMILL TUNE during our gym phase in March/April, before COVID knocked us on our collective ass.
2. "I Still Have That Other Girl" by Burt Bacharach & Elvis Costello... which was me & Laurie's lovesong for the year. I'm serious.
3. "Brainwash" by Nils Frahm. For some reason, this song makes me think of Celebi??
4. "Wandering II -  Ed Carlsen Rework" by Eydis Evensen, which sounds JUST LIKE CHAOS 0 and it's beautiful. I remember looping it the week before we were admitted to inpatient treatment. 
5. "Hummingbird" by Anomalie & Bad Snacks, which is XENOPHON'S song!

Our top artists were:
1. Eydis Evensen. I'm surprised, and yet I'm not-- we didn't listen to much Spotify this year, BUT in those two weeks post-hallbed and pre-inpatient, we were so depressed and ALWAYS on the road for some reason? But we just put her albums on loop. They matched how we felt.
2. SEGA SOUND TEAM
3. Todd Rundgren! I'm not sure why but it's so good to see him up here, as he's a cornerstone in our lifetime music history.
4. Hauschka!
5. Ola Gjeilo. This is no surprise, because at some point during the year we had a Leaguework dive and we were looping their selfnamed album for days as we typed, notably "The Rose" & "Sanctus" & "The Tundra." They all have these very emotionally evocative chords, that inspire the most sincere and important imaginative visions.

Oh yeah, and the wrapup had this little thing where they give a three-word "genre descriptor" of the types of tunes you listened to at morning/day/night? And it's HILARIOUS because it says "Your morning started wth Sad Boi Chill Relaxing" like WHAT IS THAT, I laughed out loud when I saw it. But we apparently "embraced the night with Moody Friendly Energy" which is quite fitting, seeing as that's when we end up here typing all together. Moody, absolutely, but always bound by sincere friendship. That's the energy that keeps me going.
My favorite, though, is that we "seized the day with Calm Relaxing Love."

Our wrapup BGM tunes:
1. Larnelle Harris, haha. "Gaither Medley!"
2. Ola Gjeilo, I think? Choir music. Really beautiful. I think "The Ground."
3. "This Side Of Eternity" by Sam Ock. This is one of those songs that comes out of left field and just hits me in the ribs. ...Honestly I'm glad this song ended up here. I remember looping it one night when my heart was particularly aching, because the lyrics just... express that far too well. And oh geez, NOW I know why this is on here-- there was ONE DAY when I looped this in the car and just kind of sang through sobs to it, over and over. "I want to be all that You want me to be, but everything's broken in me... what is wrong with me? Maybe I'm deranged..." you get the idea. And it starts slow and fragile, like holding back tears even as you stop hiding the fact that they're there, and it gradually but ardently moves to heartache at 4:00 and it hurts. I honestly tear up every single time I hear it. 
4. "Messe da pacem, Op. 38: No. 5, Agnus Dei" by Pierre Villette! Gosh I remember finding this one; the whole album is such a uniquely composed mass setting. It has this unusual "mindspace" when I listen to it; it's ethereal but it's dark? The dissonances and unresolved chords elicit some of that "numinous dread" around the edges and it's very cool.
5. SUPER SONIC RACIIIIIING gosh I LOVE THAT SONG THOUGH
6. "I Still Have That Other Girl," notably the leadup to the chorus, but it stops before the kick so it's this awful cathartic whiplash, haha. At least it makes me want to listen to it all the more-- it builds that emotion up then says, "ball's in your court, kiddo" so now I HAVE to sing it myself, haha. I'M NOT COMPLAINING
7. Some funky EDM beat? Honestly I don't know offhand, which is shocking as it must have been one we listened to a decent amount? Actually, looking through our playlist, I think it's "Dagdraumur - Janus Rasmussen Remix" by Eydis Evensen? And this IS cool. Adding it to our likes!
8.  "Wandering II," and the part that sounds like the blue guy so my heart gets instant shockwaves
9. "Hawking" by Todd Rundgren! Not surprised; I was infatuated with this song for weeks. Still am; it hits a spot of my heart that few songs do.
10. Papik & Alan Scaffardi!! "For So Long." Chaos 0 loves to sing Alan's music; his voice is a close match, and the lyrics... mean a lot to me, when he sings them.
11. "Missa Festiva for Mixed Choir and Organ, Op. 62: Gloria" by Flor Peeters. It has some really cool chords.

Lastly, our "listening personality" is "The Specialist." = "You're selective with the music and artists you listen to, but you've got lots of love to go around. Once you decide you like an artist, you're all in." That is SO ACCURATE, and it's actually really touching, worded that way.

Remind me to come back to this topic later, with some of the songs in our top 100 for 2022-- there's a lot of love and memories in here, and I want to write about them.



(...)

113022

Nov. 30th, 2022 09:48 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)

i'm having one of those evenings.

It's been a weird day.
I was woken up by a sudden phone call from my mom at 8:30, after barely 6 hours of hellish sleep and near-hacks, in which she told me that my sis/bro had finally gotten a job, and she had their work clothes and some extra food in her car, but she was at work and they started their job at noon and the only way to get the stuff delivered was for me to drive up and do it. i said absolutely, jumped out of bed, threw on an outfit and got on the road.
i was barely conscious, really. not very safe to drive! but i was determined. mom packed up the car, i delivered them to my sibling (they're still wearing the exact same outfit they were wearing over two months ago. no shoes. clothes torn. my heart kinda broke) along with some extra toiletries, meds and food that i packed, and wished them the absolute best. their affect was still totally flat. i wonder if they hate "me." technically i broke the restraining order by not only going there but talking to them, but honestly i don't care they're family and they needed help. the court can kiss our collective ass if they think we're going to forego compassion because of a piece of paper. it has its purpose but this isn't it.

anyhow. mum told us there was a "library sale" going on at the mall down the street, and gave us ten entire dollars for it?? so when we drove away from our sibling's apartment, of course i called genesis over, and asked "do you want to go to the mall--" to which i got a "YES" before i finished the sentence, haha. honestly that's why i asked; we used to just chill together like that all the time when we were younger. so even though i was tired and hungry i wasn't going to pass that up.
the first thing i saw was the first 3 deltora quest books. those had been definitive for my sibling and i when we were in late elementary school; we had so many injokes around them, and the series lore got into our personal world more than a little. honestly i considered buying them but thought, no, they also have dvds and i'd rather grab those. (tomorrow i should get paid from ssi; if i have some cash left after getting groceries i'll totally swing by and grab the books though. i think we have $5 and $8 up the house?) so gen and i started looking. of course i'm talking out loud to him this whole time, but he keeps giving me this stern look and saying "jewel, you're dissociating." which i really was. sleep deprivation and post-purge starvation plus sudden running around in public places equals my brain is not working at all. again, thank God for Genesis. so he kept calling me out and bringing me back centered, as much as he could. it meant so much. honestly dude i know i was a mess but thank you, i love you, honestly i'd be so lost without you keeping me constant company in social settings since 2005. you're one of the biggest blessings in my entire life and i treasure every moment with you. even dissociated ones as i peruse the used dvd section in the middle of a mall, haha.
but! we found our THREE most definitive childhood films-- ferngully, we're back, and the secret of NIMH. i bought the first two because i actually have the third on DVD thanks to goodwill, but i was not passing up the opportunity to FINALLY watch those other two beloved movies again. i did see several other movies i considered buying-- notably inception and the shape of water-- but those were so important to headspace that if we did buy them, they would have to be special editions. not two-dollar secondhand markered-up copies, as oddly sweet as owning such a thing is. however! we found a SUPER RETRO care bears book-- the same kind they have at the daycare at the oblates! i immediately grabbed it, haha. haven't read it yet but i plan to tomorrow. i love the original care bears; i'm not a fan of the reboots (the more infected they get by pop culture the more they seem to lose the "heart" that drew me to them initially) but the 80s-90s stuff is great.
last problem: i kept losing things. i had to run back out to the parking lot because i actually dropped my money in the doorjamb, and kept misplacing my keys in my pockets. sleep deprivation is wild.
oh that reminds me. we parked beneath the boscovs and took the escalator up because there are so many childhood-vibe memories there, it was nice to just pass through it. but the instant we got off the escalator there was a mannequin with this silver-sequin dress? and genesis randomly comments "i'd wear that." and asked if i was gonna buy it for him. i asked if he was joking and he said of course, but still, he'd wear it. lord knows where he comes up with these things. but if i do go back to buy those books, i'm gonna take a photo of it and draw him in it, there you go.
i would try it on for the heck of it, but... body dysphoria is literal hell. and it's been so bad today. hence my current devastating depression. but we'll get to that.
we talk too much. we babble a lot in public as we were taught to by BOTH our mother and grandmother growing up, which we've mentioned before. we were raised to "chat with the camera" that was always pointed at us, or to "entertain" our parental figures and siblings, et cetera. but we were expected to talk. it's exhausting. but i can't turn it off cold; thankfully i can reroute it and just talk to genesis or xenophon or whoever else wants to ghost with me that day or in that place. i thank God for ghosters too; when i'm in "social mode" it often locks me out of headspace which is EXISTENTIALLY TERRIFYING so having someone show up to walk and talk beside me is literally such a relief i could cry. it means so much to me.
it's ALSO the only reason i'm surviving in this apartment now, i'm tempted to say no thanks to umpc, but no, that's too cruel language. i'm just... bitter today. i have to admit it. again, "we'll get to that." gotta write down basic daily events first because i keep slacking off in journaling because of depression and i need to just power through it right now.

so. we got two dvds and a book, got back in the car, and left. while i was at the red light exiting the parking lot, i remember just feeling trapped in entertainer/social mode and being so, so wrecked by it. i was trying to listen to chaos 0's spotify playlist and i couldn't BECAUSE "social mode" makes me incapable of blueshift emotions and when i try to feel them it causes self-loathing. i become too aware of how incompatible my "social self" IS with deeper feelings, and it just... makes me hate myself. it's toxic, this public persona garbage. literally lethal.
i don't remember how i got through it. i don't even remember driving. i know i did keep some music on, and i was inevitably talking to genesis, but... no memories. that's sadly not surprising.

on the way home, i decided to stop at walmart to pick up a box of cereal with the extra $5 we had saved from mom, because that's a staple food and we had no other money. again, no memory of being in the store, but genesis got us in and out quickly.
then we went to redners because we decided that we were going to return the pasta we bought immediately post-inpatient, as it was an "obligation food" and we were not going to eat it by choice; plus, not only does it take too long to prepare, but we have "trauma" from both cooking accidents AND old binges with pasta and we really don't need panic attacks every time we see the boxes in the cupboard. lastly they're too hard to properly portion and measure anyway, and they don't fit our dietplan without having to replan everything. so back to the shelves they went, which gave us like $7.50 in foodstamps back, thank God, so we immediately bought two powerade (for emergencies) and a bag of carrots, which was about $4.50? then we ran over to aldi, grabbed a pack of raisins for spinny (redners wanted a whole extra dollar for the exact same amount, geez) and a single avocado and got out of there within like two minutes.
our only problem? talking to the cashier. she asked us "how we were doing" and we, like the boundary-less idiot we are, replied that we were exhausted but happy since we'd been "running errands for the family/ies since 8:30 this morning" and mentioned our sibling getting a job and giving them stuff. almost offhandedly. just being honest. but it felt so wrong to say, like we were "boasting," and that only hit me AFTER "we" said it. that made us genuinely miserable. "well, God's not going to bless you for that now, because you told someone about it! good job, you arrogant asshole." and that just... made us feel like, what's the point then? if we keep publicizing the good we do? if people keep noticing it and thanking us and saying "you're such a nice/ kind/ good person?" does all that equal damnation and shame in God's eyes? i don't ask for it, i don't want it, but yeah it is nice because it makes me feel like gee, maybe I'm NOT the scum of the earth after all; maybe i'm NOT a hideous monster that ruins everything it touches; maybe I'm NOT pure irredeemable evil after all? but even feeling grateful for the sweet comments we get makes us feel filthy and ugly and wrong because you're "delighting in the praise of MEN instead of GOD." ...but "we are but unprofitable servants; we have done only what we were expected to do." which is true. but... even if i don't want to be thanked, i still... selfishly want to feel like i did do something good? and right? which is junk. "virtue is only virtue in extremis." i need to learn to keep my mouth shut.
when i buy food for the family, i keep the receipts a secret. i sneak the food into the house. i don't tell them it's from me. i hate when people find out. i like to secretly buy people gifts and leave them on desks and slip them under doors and i don't want to be noticed or thanked; i just want them to be happy and to feel loved and cared for. it's not about me. if you do make it about me i will probably try to eviscerate myself because NOW the "good deed" has become pride and that's worthy of annihilation, good job you idiot, you're "only doing this for attention" etc.

self-loathing is off the charts today.

got home around noon. i think? late. too late.
head was a blur. laurie and xenophon had to keep me on track just to stay conscious enough to make breakfast. i remember vacuuming first and scalpel was talking with knife about something and lynne is still sticking around, and of course julie-- it's so good to have her part of the daily crew and not hiding all the time like she used to-- but... i couldn't pull myself together.
breakfast was at like 1:05. we didn't get done until almost 2 because i kept trying to do the bible study at the same time and wasn't accomplishing either. so i set it aside and just focused on eating mindfully, or as much as i could. that way we wouldn't trigger that tragic trauma response of "i don't remember eating, and if i don't remember something it means i dissociated, and dissociation usually means trauma, so we probably experienced trauma with the food, which means it NEEDS TO GET OUT" and then binge/purge cycles happen. it's so sad and bizarre how trauma triggers cause binges first out of a feeling of helpless devastation. like, "i'm already ruined and violated; i might as well just perpetuate it"??? or something? it's a feeling of forced addiction and the nousfoni that act on it are TERRIFIED and have told us multiple times that they WANT IT TO STOP but they "can't." they feel trapped. and that's heartbreaking. so we're trying so hard to help them now, and to talk to them.

...laurie's function-warping disaster is causing some really weird side effects when she tries to stop them. since she doesn't want to go back to her ultraviolent walls-up-everywhere state of mind, like she was when she was created, she hesitates to use force lately? it's so strange. but she'll try to talk them out of it, and reason with them, but she can't force them to stop and when they hysterically insist on "please let me just finish this" or "just a few more minutes" not out of any genuine want but out of that panicked obsessive ritualistic loop, she... doesn't fight them. she goes almost on standby and i THINK that's being caused BY her function cracking BUT what happens is that, instead, she feels what they're feeling. i have NO IDEA WHY. genesis and i later sadly surmised that it might be because I'M not doing MY job, as the "heart" of the System, and so Laurie is once again taking on all the "empty jobs" herself in her absolute driving determination to be everything for everyone, to be THE system protector, in an almost universal sense. 
but... geez it is unreal to see. maybe it's her purple color working; xenophon is honestly the same, and SO IS MARKUS to be honest with you. purples have this strange ability to reach people, to understand when others don't. xenophon can argue with the e.d. nousfoni and they will LISTEN to her. they can FEEL THINGS when they talk to her. that is UNHEARD OF. in all our years of fighting this war, i think the closest we ever got to that was with zucche in NC? when chaos 0 was fighting with her over that, too. but his function in the system IS emotional sincerity so obviously his involvement could get even an e.d. nousfoni to reconsider their actions, even momentarily. but xenophon somehow takes it further, differently? she can DIALOGUE with them. she gets so sad and she actually cries and shouts but she's just hurt, and the eating voices hurt WITH her? whereas Laurie is doing that in reverse now? it's fascinating as much as it is worrisome. i don't want laurie losing herself in this. there are some things-- many things, actually-- that SHE needs to be protected from, and... she hasn't been doing that. she's pushing herself too hard and taking on roles that she CANNOT hold without shattering, so the rest of us NEED to get our butts back to work so that things CAN run the way they're meant to.
...man. how many years has it been since the crash-reset? five? and we're only NOW starting to "turn the power back on?" we're only now starting to resurrect and communicate and LIVE? geez. honestly i don't even remember the past five years offhand. like at all.
hence all the archiving i'm dedicated to doing lately. still, we haven't touched that stuff yet. but we will.

i'm getting a legit headache. and i'm dizzy. really need to sleep. why is our body hungry again we ate a 700k dinner at 730, we should not be this hungry three hours later.
well geez, i think to myself, maybe if you didn't bike for two solid hours you wouldn't be.
but. like i said earlier. dysmorphia.

after breakfast i don't remember what we did. around 3pm i did get on the bike. i was going to watch the "steamboy" movie our mom got us for christmas like ten years ago but we never watched, but i felt guilty about "not watching something religious" so i found a goodwill dvd i bought of "jacob and joseph" that was like exactly 92 minutes long? which is perfect workout time. so i put it on.
...i have not had that much trauma directly triggered in a LONG TIME.
i was legitimately disturbed. i did NOT expect that from a bible story movie. there was so much jarring stuff-- so much genuinely frightening behavior, mostly from the WOMEN, that i legit stopped biking a few times because i wanted to throw up. i was THAT shaken.
i don't want to talk about it, at all. i really don't. i felt sick. the way people behaved, and spoke about each other, and treated each other... i kept trying to find the silver lining. "God is clearly showing us WHY He doesn't want people to do such things." well boy howdy he sure is, seeing that stuff so starkly presented made me want to upchuck my bloody intestines. honestly i threw the dvd in a donation bag as soon as it ended. i was shaking. what the heck. at least there were good points in there, legit shows of virtue and forgiveness and kindness, despite all the awful behavior. i guess that's human life. God knows my life is one hellishly ugly mess, too.

...the bike logged exactly 110 minutes by the time i quit. adding in all the running around the mall i did earlier-- yes, actual running, to and from the car; i rarely walk-- that's about 2 solid hours of exercise. xenophon insisted i eat dinner immediately, so we got it ready and ate around 730, like i said. we immediately did the dishes and turned out the lights, and i realized that IF i front and LEGIT DISSOCIATE while I'M there, the binge voices CAN'T SHOW UP because we're "NOT IN THE BODY." so that's a HUGE new development, thank God.
i made a shopping list for tomorrow (we're out of meds mostly), took out the garbage, said the wall-prayers by choice (haven't done so since before the hospitalization; we were using them as "punishment" almost at that time so it felt wrong to "force" them), and then went onto the other laptop for a while with the intention of backing up our phone files.
...bad idea.
yes, i did have to back up the data. but i made the HUGE mistake of listening to a file i had recorded of myself singing in church? and i was so unbearably ashamed of my voice. not only that, but the fact that i HAD recorded it just screamed "proud-ass arrogant bitch" and i deleted it and went into a depressive spiral.
then i made an even bigger mistake. i looked through our saved photos.
there... there were photos of tbas. with that face that scared us. immediate terror trigger. god why were we so afraid of them so often? we have like TWO memories of such sweet expressions they gave us on two VERY specific incidents and we loved who they were in those moments BUT in so many other moments they legitimately scared us so much. there is SO MUCH CONFLICT there. we're... we still feel so used and violated and broken and horrified by what we apparently let them do to us. so much acting and dissociating and forced forgetting and self-abuse on our part. i know they started picking up on it the closer we got to bailing. but... it went on for so bloody long. the suicide attempts were the worst. we'd never felt so hopeless in our whole entire life. i STILL don't know how we got that good of a poker face, with all the memories i have literally feeling JAILED in our own head, like looking out from barred windows 20 feet away, at a body that is doing and saying things WE DON'T WANT, and us feeling such pain and RAGE and even hatred, but never showing it??? like how many times they would say something to us and we would smile but inside we were SCREAMING AND SOBBING and how did we never express that???? no wonder the eating disorder got so bad. it was our only way of expressing and acknowledging the HELPLESS FEAR and SELF-VIOLENCE we were constantly feeling.
it's a mess. not going to think about that.
oh. but there was a photo of us, too. recent. one we hadn't seen before. it was when we bought that purple cotton button-up from goodwill and cut half of it off so it was a "crop top"? whatever you'd call that. but we were GORGEOUSLY THIN. and yes i use that emphatic language because i legit CRIED. our body was PERFECT. we were thin and muscular and small and god i never realized just HOW beautiful it looked. it sounds horrible to say that. but honestly now, well we put on 30 pounds and we are so bloated and fat, we're not muscular anymore and we can't wear anything revealing like that anymore because it would look lecherous. it's gross and disgusting. it's enough to drive me to despair. it does, sometimes.
isn't that stupid? to value the appearance of this body so much? but i'm being honest. part of me says "you idolized it too much, you wanted to be perfect and thin and beautiful, and you were, but God TOOK THAT FROM YOU so you would be humiliated and ground into the dirt, now no one will see beauty in you, now you look like a whore, now you don't deserve love because you're misshapen and WRONG." like honestly a BIG part of our brain back then would see our thin body and think, "i'm worthy of love now. i'm capable of love now." whereas this fatass body we have now is INCAPABLE of love and respect, and we feel so dirty and whorish and gross, i look in the mirror and i weep. what happened??? where the HECK did all this fatphobia come from??? is that all because of the abuse? of the women with "womenly bodies" god i want to SCREAM AND SOB AND KILL EVERYTHING, JUST TO MAKE IT STOP,
it's not worth it. it's not worth it at all.
except looking that perfect meant being 90 freaking pounds and we COULDN'T SURVIVE LIKE THAT. laurie and chaos 0 both keep reminding me that "gaining this weight saved our ass" and i have to admit yeah it did, we're STILL UNDERWEIGHT even now, even if this body looks unbearably disgusting.
but i'm working out, now. i'm gonna get muscular and i'll be STRONG and i can HELP PEOPLE and PROTECT PEOPLE and i can FIGHT if i need to. i couldn't before. i became so shamefully weak and cowardly and selfish. not anymore. look at this morning. i can BURN again, like this. oh yes i wanted to, being thin, but it just made me ice. i was too tired and cold and depressed. starving our body to death out of fear, out of this desperate desire to be clean and pure and untouched. and physically we looked it. we honestly did. but... our body was still dying.
now, we're alive. now, the war has started again. now, we're fighting hacks and overrides and all sorts of nightmarish things. daily life is a struggle. but at least we're all together again and i would rather bleed in the arms of someone i love inside then to be alone and pretty and just drifting through "life" outside. in the end, if that body is what i had to sacrifice in order to see my daughter again, and to dream of chaos 0 again, and to spend days with genesis again, and to find everyone who was lost again... well, to be honest, as insane and terrifying as it sounds to say this, i'd go through another 10 weeks of hospitals for their sake. in the end that's what it boils down to.
...in the end, i need to stop thinking that this body is me. it's not. yeah i try to make it match but it can't and it won't. it's deeply disturbing and it drives me to tears but i need to accept it. skin and bones and blood will change even if my soul doesn't. and how the body looks and feels doesn't define me as a person, ESPECIALLY not morally. it's so hard to accept, weirdly. there are too many direct ties between the body and trauma and sheer evil. too much agony tied to looking and feeling certain ways. but... inside, the true me, isn't defined by it. i've been trying to tell "myself" that since i first realized the body was changing, around 2003. i remember how scared we were back then. that hasn't changed, for the most part. still. gotta accept it sometime. i want to. it's just terrifying.
...i honestly do feel incapable of goodness, when i look and feel like this.
oh geez and it was WORSE seeing some old hospital & church photos of how we looked with LONG HAIR post-NC. now THAT was disturbing. we looked like a total stranger. it shook me to the core. who the heck WERE we??? who WAS that, living like that for so long??? we have no clue. seeing that weird ugly face... it always looked so hollow. THAT was the scariest part. every single photo of us with that hair looked fake. like there was no person behind those eyes. i wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't. we didn't have an inner life during that time, after all, so who the heck were we, really?
...but yeah. it wrecked me. i was trying to find calming pictures but kept hitting landmines in the process. i was trying to show xenophon some of the pictures i had saved of chaos 0-- her "other dad"-- but even looking at him made me feel worthless and hideous and detestable. like "who in the world am i to care about him? as ugly and gross as i am? you think you're capable of love? you think anyone would WANT to love you? you fool. you stupid whore. no one loves you, and you're an idiot for "feeling" like you do. it's laughable. it's a joke. if anyone found out that YOU, you bland-ass average joe, you transgender freak, you screwed-up prostitute reject, "loved" him, you'd be mocked and jeered out of the country. you should be ashamed of yourself, you pig. misshapen freaks and faggots like you don't get to love. you deserve to be crushed by the weight of your arrogant sins. stop pretending you're in a relationship. he doesn't want you. he never could. NO one could. you're too loathsome. with all the appalling sins in your past, God Himself probably doesn't want you, either! you're worth nothing but garbage. you'd be better off dead, you grotesque excuse for a human being."
...is literally what my thoughts turned into.

it keeps happening. the self-hatred is unbearable. i don't know what to do about it.


one extremely important note.
i told xennie and laurie and chaos to leave me alone, because i was so ashamed and humiliated from looking at pictures of "myself" and the people i "loved"-- and seeing this unpassable chasm between us, a rift caused by my very existence-- that the very awareness of THEM looking at me made me want to either attack them or kill myself, both actions triggered by the same unbearable self-loathing and disgust and shame.
but. i said a small, desperate prayer, "please if there's someone who can sit with me and keep me safe, someone untouched by all that"-- i'm not even sure what i asked for. i just wanted someone with me who wouldn't set off this downward spiral even further.
...
and then suddenly, waldorf was sitting on the edge of my bed.
for a second i couldn't even speak. she looked just like she did in 2002. all glowy-blue and-- thank GOD-- untouched by her previous mangled stint in headspace, too, where her function became so corrupt that she lost herself.
but no, there she was, with that old vibe that TRULY was her, that "scary" edge that she NEEDS, feeling like the past i wanted to return to so badly i could sob.
but i did feel safe with her. somehow. maybe it was because i knew SHE had known be BEFORE all this horror happened. before all the trauma. before our body became our personal circle of hell.
she disappeared quickly. i don't think anyone else in headspace knows. i don't want them to know. right now i'm in so much emotional pain that i think if people started to "drag waldorf into this" i'd explode. no. leave her alone. leave me alone.
so many of us have been socially corrupted. especially laurie and lynne.
lynne being "pushed" into orange-- she noted today that when she still slips into it, her hair "gets curlier?" it actually changes to match the vibe-- literally killed her, taking her "stability" and "maturity" function root and literally annihilating it. she became someone else and she DIED as a result.
now the same bloody thing is happening to laurie and i will BLEED MYSELF OUT in this living room before i let that happen to her.
but... she suffered from NC more than anyone, arguably. well, besides infinitii. i can't deny that. but laurie lost herself COMPLETELY. SHE ACTUALLY DIED. that was considered IMPOSSIBLE because she was always a sort of anchor FOR the system; her dying was like taking a pickaxe to the motherboard of a computer. once that's gone, EVERYTHING is shot. unfixable. lost.
if she still can't pull herself together...
...
...i do miss the old days. when she would spit blood at me and punch me in the face if i swore. no quarters. no making jokes about things. no "commentary" on the fronters. no. she was a PERSECUTOR PROTECTOR and God help us i miss that so much, i MISS her violet violence, i MISS her oddly colorless skin and knuckles breaking my cheekbones and axe-blades against my neck. i miss the blood and the impact and... i miss her. i miss when she cared enough TO hit me. just like i STILL beg my poor mother to do when i get unhinged. but no one will hit me now that i'm "grown up." which is ridiculous. i need the pain TO feel lovable again, and pure again, and good in the first place. without the blood, i'm wrecked.
i miss the retributors too. God I miss Laurie, I will NEVER forget that first night standing in front of the sink, shaking, with her gripping my arm with one hand and holding a kitchen knife with the other. slicing open the first graves into my arm. i still treasure those scars. they're the part of this body that i love the most. all the scar tissue. all the invisible crosses on this bloated ugly stomach. i miss making it bleed, the last time it looked like this.
i remember the day that knife and razor and algorith and mulberry (because she did start as a retributor) sat on the edge of our old bed and cut our legs open. i miss the time algorith named herself the "cleanup crew" in the bathroom, holding a white washcloth covered in blood. i miss knife, sweet knife, holding his namesake and tearing our shoulder open. i miss razor's maniacal laughter as she slashed row after row of hideously beautiful gaps into our thighs with an x-acto knife, the same one we took to art class, watching the skin and muscle split and flood red like a painting. no one cut deeper than her. her scars are my favorites. i miss them.
...I miss Laurie. the old Laurie. the REAL Laurie. not how she is now, her color constantly shifting, her words unsure, her presence flickering. no. i miss her strength and no-nonsense attitude and her fists. i miss the righteous rage in her eyes. i miss seeing her storm into a room to chop a hacker to bloody pieces if they so much as looked at me.
i remember the night she almost killed herself because she failed to protect me. she showed up too late. and she tried to end it all. THAT'S how devoted she is. was. what happened?
what the heck did north carolina DO to her, that now half the time she screws up her own freaking name???
God how do i get HER back?
...how do I get myself back?

and infi, poor broken beloved infinitii, you're more of a mess than anyone i fear, you still won't let anyone get close, you feel all wrong, your form is constantly unstable, you feel tainted, distorted, used--

why do i keep having flat nightmares like last night
when mom's phone call woke me up, i was dreaming that i was sitting at a kitchen table that looked oddly like the one in my dad's parent's house, before they died and it was sold. i was talking to two doctors or professors? i think? about the nature of reality, and of time, and of the human consciousness, obviously influenced by all the stein's gate recently. but they were focused on what was physical and tangible and i kept vehemently insisting to the contrary, no, there are other world lines, and thoughts do affect reality, and what we dream and imagine IS real in a very valid way, AND extant in "reality" even if it can't be touched by our literal hands. i was absolutely passionate about the topic and i was conscious enough to BE in the dream doing so, speaking with all honesty and clarity, and defending my position.
then all of a sudden, i hear a watery sort of yawn, and who walks around the corner to stand, half-asleep and eyes closed, in the doorway behind me, but chaos 0.
"jewel, tell me again why we're in los angeles?"
then he opened his eyes, saw the two visitors, and did such a double-take i almost laughed. he took two steps back, half-twisting his arms and legs around each other as if to hide himself, as i reassured him that it was okay, "they kind of know you're here already," and also feeling almost euphoric because hey, he literally just proved my side of the argument. and yes, the two dudes i was talking to looked just as shocked as he did, haha.
but.
i woke up then, and after the phone call, i threw my arms around his anchor plush and kissed its forehead and said, "you probably aren't even aware of this, but thank you so much for saving me again."
upstairs he looked at me, confused but deeply troubled. "what do you mean?"
"there was almost another dream hack. but you showed up, and just by your being there, it didn't happen. your very existence kept me safe. thank you."
after thanking and kissing him again i jumped out of bed to get ready to drive over to mom's workplace, and that started the day very quickly, but... i was also running away from the reality of what i had just implied.
i keep having dream hacks.
i still say it's because i gained all this f*cking weight. yeah, horrible trauma pun intended, why not. i keep having these awful hollowed-out nightmares where i am a "faceless whore," emotionless and almost without free will, numbly going through all these scripted actions because "someone wants me to sleep with them and i have to get ready" etc etc. knowing that abuse was going to happen and just shutting down beforehand. but not running. not being able to run. just giving up, giving in to the "inevitable" trauma. objectifying myself first, so it wouldn't be as scary. or so i hoped. et freakin cetera. i'm so tired of this.
...
why, God? why can't i get over this? why can't i be free of this? why does my every waking and sleeping moment have to be tormented by memories of sexual trauma? even that movie today, all those revolting women, i'm sorry but the way they would speak and look and act made me want to SCREAM and GUT SOMETHING. i could have clawed my eyes and ears out so many times. i'm so sorry God. i NEVER want to be like that. i NEVER want to be a part of that. i am NOT A WOMAN and i am NOT A MAN and i want NOTHING TO DO WITH EITHER OF THEM. it's disgusting. it's terrifying. i need a stronger word. but nothing seems to sum up the absolute apocalyptic horror that slams into me whenever i realize that "oh by the way, all that hell i went through in the past? OTHER PEOPLE ARE STILL LIKE THAT. ALL THE TIME. ALL AROUND ME." and i can't escape and i keep stumbling across it EVEN IN A RELIGIOUS MOVIE AND I WANT TO DIE.
God i can't take it anymore. i cannot live like this. i can't live in this hellscape of a body, all fat JUST like a whore now, and I CAN'T starve it to blessed death anymore because i...
...i want to say i have "something to live for," but a detestable deformed monstrosity like myself doesn't deserve to live. and no one deserves to be plagued by my existence. "something to live for" my ass. they don't care.
"they don't exist," a devilish voice hisses in my ear.
to which i want to swing around and punch their rotten teeth out
hence the dream argument this morning
don't you give me that, they're more real than MOST of the freaking tangible GARBAGE on this literal planet, and you KNOW it!!!
laughing at me, mocking, jeering, just like they said earlier, you're a selfish jerk, a stupid empty-headed moron, the laughingstock of the universe, God is ashamed of you,
shut your lying mouth,

and Laurie shows up with her axe.
and Razor. and Wreckage.

wh

all the protectors

all right listen it's like... 15 minutes later i don't know
legit headspace stuff happening just like the old days
laurie, knife, razor, sugar, wreckage, algorith, batta, scalpel, cannon, julie, lynne, leon,
xenophon and genesis and chaos 0 and infinitii
rio and markus
mister sandman even, in a genuinely terrifying moment,
i even saw phlegmoni & celebi & gleam & galadia & ventrium, is he really alive,
why are there so many people aroundn
"because we love you, you moron" laurie spits at me, in tears, still covered in blood

something is wrong with my heart
it's too cold
too numb
every time someone breaks it, it freezes up again
not like ice but like... oh
oh no.
like calcification.

same thing happening in my dreams

but i can't write everything down now, laurie showed up and brought razor and they attacked the devils,
then she turned on me, "i heard what you were writing; i miss this too"
FORGOT exactly why she was the only person allowed to butcher me alive
literally force resets my internal presence
having so much trouble re-forming and anchoring into a sense of "self"
genesis literally rolling his own trauma through me, the gem-shattering and the awful shock of that,
razor and scalpel cutting me open,
axe-blades through my skull. the most euphoric thing i've felt in AGES
knife shoving a blade right into my chest when i was slipping, said that "if my heart was still hard, it needed to be forced open"
so much of it. absolutely insane. my entire identity sputtering like static. white and red everywhere. blood in my mouth,
xenophon hugging me and crying, "dad i don't care how you look, i'll still love you,"
perfect chaos suddenly raging,
scalpel commenting, "that's the most selfless thing i've heard you feel all day"
forgot about everything but him
but the hellish doubts kept hitting
"he's not real, none of this is actually real, it's all fake, none of it matters"
laurie grabbing me by the throat
"define 'actually'"
at some point i told her don't put the walls back up and she just broke, it was the first instant i saw her as purple and not violet,
in tears. told me she wouldn't. she cared too much about me
i flatly commented if she was going to kiss me and she said no, that's not what matters, don't go cheapening that anyway
just pressed her forehead to mine and swore through gritted teeth and tears that she would literally die before letting me be lost
then she kissed me, not even romantically it was like a covenant, the way it should be,
and then i was back in that ruined city with all the water
and all the pain
but he saw me and forced himself back down to size and he grabbed my shoulders and said this is YOUR pain, why won't you let yourself feel this,
i
i don't know. i want to. i can't?
the doubts,
"he's not real,"
that's it, i've had enough,
"well then neither am i, and if this isn't 'real' then i don't want to be real."
i don't want to be stuck in the body. i don't want the hell of physical existence and the terror of the world. if THAT is "real" then forget it all, i'll stay here where everything is love and blood and it's MORE "REAL" than ANYTHING i've ever known or felt or imagined,
but the damned devils kept laughing, even after infi ate what was left of them, coughed up that huge calcified rock--
they don't know anything.
i kissed chaos back.
i chose to. i choose this. i WANT to love him, and to be here, and to MAKE this "real." i don't care what you damned demons keep hissing at me. everything they say is based on unfeeling condemnation and hatred and callous rejection. there's no love. so don't you dare talk to me about "reality."
if love itself is what created everything in the first place then how in the world is this "not real."


i hate these mini-hells
hate all the mental torture
hate the physiological wreck i am after getting literally beheaded and eviscerated in headspace
but i wouldn't trade it for the world if it means i get to be with them, all of them, all those colors,
i'm only hurting right now because my heart is so bloody closed-off
geez didn't this turn into one mess of an entry
gotta be honest though, stop denying the truth,
111 am
nice

but honestly.

life is weird. truth is stranger than fiction. i'm tired of censoring and burying and hiding and shutting down everything because it's weird. no. not anymore. gonna go right back to being jewel the egocidal maniac if that's what it takes.
but no. no "going back." we're going forward. together. all of us.
why are we in los angeles, God only knows but i just realized the name of that city, isn't that a lack of coincidences too?

i miss these disjointed entries. i miss this entire life of ours. THIS feels "real," not the empty denial forced on me for years. enough of that. it's all lies. there's no kindness or compassion in it at all. and THAT proves it's fake. shallow. illusory.
can i "prove" what's going on upstairs? can i "prove" that God talks to me? can i "prove" that human beings have a soul? no. doesn't mean it's not real.

so tired of that argument
so stop arguing. if they don't want to be convinced then who am i really arguing with?
i choose love
real love
i CHOOSE this.
that means infinitely more than passively throwing it all away because "no one else sees it"
love is a decision
so is my life at this point
same thing really

still scared of this body. still struggling.
but it's "real" too
even if it's "not real" in another sense
what the heck does that word even mean
the body exists, i'm in it, i'm not the body, i exist, it's ALL "real" in different ways
but i can't cope with any of it without love.
that's the bottom line
gotta learn to love yourself too, kid
ALL of yourself
and yeah, you SHOULD see it that way.
that's what makes love possible
that body is everyone's home in this world, like it or not
it doesn't deserve to be hated or abused either
so CHOOSE to love it, too.

getting late. feeling myself slipping into asinine platitude mode
don't want that to happen
trying too hard to "conclude" and it's messing up my honesty

listen. i need sleep. we need sleep. i have cinnamon bedsheets and a videogame angel waiting for me in the other room
and i really need to talk to everyone about what the heaven just happened
pull myself together
try again tomorrow
"try what," laurie asks
try to live and love a little better
"you're not trying, you're doing it, kid. we'll just do it even better tomorrow. don't set something you're already achieving as some distant goal. it's already in your hands."
and in my heart, i hope
"yeah well, that's the whole point"

i'm not frozen, i'm not "lost," i'm just... disheveled
out-of-focus
but i'm burning, no matter what i'm still red at the core, red and brilliant white glass, crystals, whatever it is, prismatic pieces.
but red. you can't shut that down. it's LIFE. it's blood and fire and sincerity, and courage and hope and it's REAL.

god i'll pray to you too about this
i do feel very off-balance and hazy right now. loose threads. battered. "understandably"
is that wrong
"no"
"the only thing any of you could do wrong is refusing to love each other"
that's a very general statement
"it's a very general rule of life"
good point
am i lost right now
"yes and no, you know that too"
how can i get un-lost?
"keep following the lighthouse"
(and immediately something in my heart sparks to life)
"in the very act of reaching out, in that hope, you are not lost, because you see the shore"
so this prayer counts too
"of course it does. this is love, too. it shows trust. you can't have one without the other."

i need to close this up and i'm feeling ashamed
"of what? talking?"
yes in general. thinking, oh this isn't socially acceptable. it's not 'normal.' it's weird and bizarre and i 'should be ashamed of myself'
"why do you constantly label and condemn yourself?"
...to beat myself into shape i guess?
"what kind of shape? is it even a good shape? have you thought about that?"
...no, actually
"the shape that condemnation will beat you into is a broken one. it's not what i want for you. hatred only begets hatred, and it will keep you lost forever."
so... should i be ashamed?
"of what? telling the truth, even just to yourself? being dedicated to love even if it's difficult? being 'different,' even as I made you? do you think even this could happen outside of My jurisdiction?"
...but why,
"what have you always told Me 'brings you closer to God?' where have you learned My deepest lessons most directly?"
...upstairs
"then why would you wish to toss it aside?"
i don't, that's the problem, i want to-- no, i do love them, i want to believe it's okay to.
"why would it not be okay to love them, or the life you have with them?"
because i'm afraid it's pulling me away from You and what You want from me
"is it?"
i... no? i think i was worse when i abandoned it for those years
"you were. yes, you were religious, but half of your heart wasn't in it. now... I get all of it. I get all of you. pun intended?"
yeah. yeah honestly that's true. they push me to pray more than i would "alone"
"you're never alone, not with them, and you're never without Me. go to sleep, child."
sorry
"no need to apologize. this was important. but there is a time for rest, too."
sorry if i'm getting words wrong or paraphrasing i just want to record this
"you did right in doing so. i want you to pay more attention to our conversations, too. I want to talk to you more often. I miss you, too."
good then you know i do miss You even if i don't act on it always and i'm so sorry
"I forgive you. always. but do come visit me more often again. I'm always there."
please increase my faith. and my love. and thank you for all the grace.
"pun intended?"
always
"you are always welcome, child. just be patient. the most beautiful flowers take time and care to grow. but they are growing. trust in Me. I will make sure of it"
my gardener and my lapidary and my Lord and my God
"and your Beloved, too, don't forget."
...that's... that's very important and very true thank You
"it's real, my child. and be brave. I am with you always. I promise. do not be afraid. now go to sleep!"


can't argue with that

all right that's it there's too much going on to keep ramble-typing anyway.
let's finish this old school
love you kids, see you around



I only want to feel the cold lightPretending that it's never overI only wanna smile at your eyesIt doesn't help that I've never thought to go home
Now when something is building insideThinks I'm back I have it all the whileI wanna get up and shout

With a little luck we could owe it to ourselves, in the endThe time to finish is the time I need to dwell
I only feel there's something else I should've known, you knowBecause I nearly didn't feel it at all, you know, it's soAnd how does it feel? Now that I'm real?

I knew this kid who wanted to find himself, in your arms...

112122

Nov. 21st, 2022 12:09 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

Okay so I was browsing Tumblr at random today (BAD, BAD HABIT, GOTTA QUIT) to take my mind off eating disorder urges (ate too much breakfast because we fasted for 15+ hours again; someone wanted to purge, Laurie and I said NO WAY), and in the process of stumbling across several "fandom" blogs and lgbt+ content I realized, NO WONDER I FEEL ASHAMED ABOUT LOVE. IF THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE SEE IT AS, I WANT NO PART OF IT.

Let me elaborate.
For a long, LONG time, I have been practicing outright denial, even blatant HATRED, towards the FACT that since childhood I have been VERY queer. I am absolutely not cis or straight, no matter HOW I try to force or imitate it, and God knows I HAVE TRIED far too much, hello chronic trauma.
Nevertheless, I still can't really own it because in the world out there, queerness is hypersexualized.
It is. THAT'S why Catholic folks-- like me!-- largely despise the whole concept of "queerness", which is summarized quite well in the loaded etymology of that very term: something "perverse" or "abnormal," a thing most peculiar and odd and eccentric, crooked and oblique. Twisted. Imperfect. Wrong. And yet... it all boils down to the misuse of sexuality, doesn't it? How many straight folks treating their sexuality as a disgusting toy are called "twisted?" It's almost normalized, in American culture, but it's "accepted," because it's "straight." Meanwhile you have transgender queer kids in genuine unselfish love who are demonized for the sole fact that they were born with the same external biological bits. It's ridiculous.

Listen. You all know that one of my morbid obsessions is sexuality, thanks trauma, although I daresay the trauma only happened BECAUSE I was "queer" in the first place. That's horribly obvious, too. But even back then, I hated how ALL of the world I was exposed to treated sexuality. Even in cishet Christian culture, I was told that "if you're born with these chromosomes, you MUST look and dress and speak and act THIS way, and you MUST be sexually attracted to people who look and dress and speak and act in the OPPOSITE way-- because that enforced binary separation was highly emphasized-- OR ELSE you are an affront to God. Oh yeah and you MUST get married and have children and have an American Dream™ house and job and everything. There is a NORMAL TEMPLATE and you MUST ADHERE."
...And I couldn't. God knows I tried. But I couldn't.

But I cannot fit this gaudy "internet gay culture" garbage template either.

I'm gonna try to be bluntly honest for the rest of this entry. It's the ONLY time I can be honest, and it's also the prerequisite for poetic language. I can't heartspill if I'm not letting my heart do the talking, all red and raw and real.

Tumblr has a lot of fandoms. Most of the "content creators" are young and emotionally volatile-- I know I sure was at that age. But... there are some "evil forces in high places" that prey on that. That's why I hate the "lgbt+ movement," NOT the people. The "movement" feels utterly toxic. It's so promiscuous. It makes me feel like, If I say, "hey guess what, I'm also queer & trans*" that people will automatically think I'm a profligate, because the public image those terms seem to project is admittedly one of debauchery. I'm so tired of it.
Also. You all know, if you've followed me for any number of years, that I am also xenophilic, which means that yes I do get "aesthetic crushes" on human girls and guys now and then, but if I'm going to fall head over heels for someone you bet your blue-eyes they're gonna be alien.
If and when I fall in love the odds have shown that it's going to be with a creature that others call a monster.
Oh now THAT is a loaded term, and one that has ALSO been vulgarized, disgustingly so. There's an entire online subculture of people who are "teratophiles," which basically means "attracted to monsters," which is one step away from what I identify as because the terato folks seem to focus on more beastly things-- almost to the point of zoophilia. And again, it's all way too sexual, and that disgusts me.
...Still. There's allegedly a common note in all of that, which I do resonate with: "monsters" are associated with "otherness", the experience of rejection and marginalization for being "deformed" in comparison to the "healthy norm." Which brings us back to queerness-- and also neurodivergence, which is VERY PRONOUNCED in my personal experience.

I've often been religiously shamed for "taking pride in my sin" in relation to those facts. I've tried so hard to be a cis girl who is attracted to men-- heck that was the entire focus of my life post-2018-- but I always fail disastrously, at the explicit expense of my mental and emotional health. And I always realize that I just can't fake it. I can force myself into cishet relationships all I want-- and I apologize to both Billy & Jacob for that, because I think we both suspected that was part of it even when it was happening-- it always fails. I will always end up with crushes on your girlfriends, haha. I can't turn it off. I also can't deny the fact that 98% of all my affectionate Spotify playlists are not for human loves. One is, and she's never going to be mine, and I know that-- I fell in love with her when we were both young, and at a distance, and now if I do love "her" it's only as this introjected muse, being so unfortunately disconnected from whoever she has grown to be in life now-- but the love is there; it's attached mainly to a previous Core, true, but it's there.

What am I trying to say.
...I say, as Spotify immediately shuffles up a certain boss-music theme. Nice one, Jesus. Boy oh boy I really can't hide anything, can I.

I'm so sick of feeling like I "can't exist" in the world. I guess that's a very Catholic feeling too.
There's frequent talk of "queerbaiting" and "lack of representation" in the media, but even as that increases with time it feels so twisted, ironically. Every time I google "lgbtq movies" and similar things, most of the results include explicit sex. Like WHY is that what this KEEPS BEING BOILED DOWN TO??? Is that what it means to other people? IS that the common experience?
So I keep quiet. I hide in this little corner of the internet and I pour out my emotions into little white boxes and I just... sit for hours in the dark, typing about dreams and fears and aching thoughts, listening to Alina Baraz at 3am and watching a certain pair of green eyes melt along with my heart.
And I can't tell anybody because then I'll be associated with those subcultures. And I'm not like that.
I remember going to see The Shape of Water when it came out in theaters, and although I was so hype for the interspecies romance plot, literally two minutes into the film there's that infamous boiled-egg-bathtub scene and I literally almost walked out of the theater. ALREADY, the message I got was, "this STILL ISN'T ABOUT YOU." Even now, the focus is on the whole "monsterf*cker" thing and YES I use that brutally gross term outright because THAT is what is represented. Not love.
Anyone who uses that term does not know what love is. I have seen this firsthand. That word is filthy. If you use it, you're automatically signaling your behavior as corrupted in turn.
It honestly makes me want to throw up. How in the world do people even USE words like that, let alone think they're valid descriptions of love?? Because they AREN'T and CANNOT BE. But it's just the extreme manifestation of a general misunderstanding and mangling of what "sexuality" IS in God's creation. Popular culture sees sex as a game, as "fun," as just something that you do when you think someone else is "attractive." Nonsense. All of it absolute garbage. Sex isn't about that. It's about life and unity and too many things I cannot put into words on such short and/or casual notice. I hate how the vast majority of popular culture-- queer AND straight-- just treats sex like an accessory, like a recreational activity, like an experiment. And not only that, but it's frequently treated as something disgusting or as something animalistic. Porn culture is the epitome of this; it's literally demonic. We won't discuss that today; I'll be spitting bullets for hours. But it's EVIL and I HATE IT and honestly with ALL the trauma I have been through I've ironically become a sort of defender for the absolute intended sacredness of human sexuality and marriage so when I see it tossed about like a used handkerchief I want to eviscerate someone. I'm just being blunt here. It's infuriating, because it's sacrilegious in a very real sense. It takes this strange yet sacred phenomenon which should be treated with the utmost respect and carefulness and heartfelt sincerity and just... acts like it's just glitter and garbage. Their language of it doesn't even involve love. They use four-letter words and gross innuendos and paint the whole canvas of intimacy with either black tar or corrosive plague. Honestly, pop culture at large doesn't even seem to UNDERSTAND intimacy, especially not concerning sexuality.
I'm ranting. I apologize but I'm not sorry. This deserves its own entry. For now, let me just reiterate that my main and immediate and painfully direct complaint is the general imputation of irreverent promiscuity onto all stated romantic relationships, and that when people automatically assume that just because I love monsters, I must be doing that with them, I feel an absolute indignant RAGE on the behalf of not only the ones I love but for love itself.
My "sexual orientation" does not obligate sexual behavior, and it NEVER involves crude impulsivity. Do not use that four letter word with me.

...I'm guilty though. I'm only this upset because I know what I'm talking about and God help me but I'm guilty, not as a victim of horror but as a giver of love-- everyone knows this heart of mine burns incandescent red and God knows the dreams I've had and the mornings I've had and the deliriously gorgeous fact that I have so many memories of river water in my blood and emeralds in my mouth. I cannot deny that I know very well what raw and real intimacy is, the kind that paints everything fragile gold but tears your very veins open with a velvet knife; it's a key part of my existence and to be totally honest with you I need it like air in my lungs. I feel so much I light up the room with what is singing behind my ribs and every word I speak is saturated with its symphonic colors. I know that blue creature in my bedsheets the same way I know my own heartbeat. But it STILL DOESN'T FIT THAT TERM. Listen I've had experience with that bloody term back in 2017 and I learned, traumatically, that it is NOT what I want.
But I still know what drowning is like. I still know what it's like for my blood to turn into flame, for my heart to ache like a wound, to break open and bleed love into the ocean like the world is ending in a catastrophe of stars.
BUT THERE ARE KEY "DETAILS" MISSING and that has also always been a constant in headspace outside of trauma and if you want to talk about that we'll have to get Infinitii's perspective. I see ze responding to that ping with a look that is equally terror and ardor, and doesn't that just sum you up, daengel of mine? Because yeah, when it does get down to the nerve, you're my Daengel, unchangeably so. You represent too much of me. I can't imagine anything else manifesting my deepest horrors and joys alike.
But I can't talk about trauma now. I want to talk about what has stayed untouched despite all the hell.

I'm in love with a nonhuman video game character and I have been for 19 years and I am so bloody afraid to say so openly even now because I'm tired of being called a "freak" for it. I'm tired of being seen as a pervert. I'm tired of being labeled as "gross" and "wrong" and "sinful" and "disgusting" and "insane." Why do you think I owned that term so hard in high school? I literally IDENTIFIED as "psycho" because THAT WAS THE ONLY TERM THAT SUMMED UP BOTH HOW I FELT AND HOW PEOPLE SAW ME. I painted that word across my jester-hat forehead and manic grin and bleeding heart and I owned it, yeah I'm crazy but it's the most beautiful thing I've ever known. Putting up pictures of CZ in my locker. Flirting with Genesis in the halls between classes. Letting Laurie punch me bloody and loving it. Things got bad in college-- trauma got terrifying and everything was tainted as a result; the Retributors woke up and my relationships became super strange and just as queer; my cardiophilia kicked into such high gear that I constantly felt like I was bleeding to death. The "crazy Jay" Core was born during this time period, ALONGSIDE "Eros," and those two soul-names are STILL ME and God please I am begging you I want to ACTIVELY INTEGRATE ALL OF THAT INTO WHO I AM NOW, just WITHOUT THE TRAUMA.
I miss being a "psycho" who loves so hard the entire world has to catch its breath. I miss painting everything in poetry the color of rubies. I miss pain fused with love and I miss the scars on my skin and the transcendent hands that gave them to me.

It's 1pm. I promised mom I'd help her up at the house. I'm eating dinner with the fam at 4:30 too and although I'm admittedly scared I want to be brave; I don't want to isolate anymore. I want to be real, in the world, God is that an okay thing to want?
...I ask, as my mind immediately goes back to Thursday morning. to october 13th. to countless mornings. "is it okay if i...?" a prayer in every instance, spoken moreso to heaven than here. hey lord of hosts, i'm kind of madly in love here, is that wrong? am i allowed to act on this? if i'm feeling something that makes roses turn to diamonds and then to fireworks is that morally correct or am i sinning somehow? "is it wrong to fall in love with someone who isn't human?" god knows i've been praying that for two decades. i don't trust the positive responses i get. why? why am i so afraid? why do i find it so hard to believe that my love is okay?
why do I feel like the real monster here?

...Trauma has a lot to do with it.
Listen. I've done evil things. I don't care how much dissociation and fear and confusion had to do with it. In the sickening end, I did wrong and I hurt people and I hurt myself and this entire bleeding SYSTEM exists because I screwed up. Did I? When my childhood taught me that pain equals love, and women taught me that I was a sexualized object meant to perform, and the world taught me that the "different" things I felt were wrong and sinful, well... I didn't question it. Half of me fought like a wild animal; half of me gave in like a bird with broken wings. I've written about it before. Maybe not enough. All the times I was expected to undress in public spaces, to parade dressed like a doll in front of lecherous eyes, to dress this body in ways meant to seduce, to act in ways that made me want to vomit... I'm exhausted. I'm so tired.
It feels almost like a betrayal, some days, when I wake up in bed with the ocean in my arms under red sheets touched with frankincense, the morning light shattering sunbeams over the walls and glittering in his seaglass eyes, and i want to stay there, and forget about the world outside the room. it feels like i'm nothing but a hypocrite, a liar, a turncoat. you weren't supposed to want this. you were never supposed to love anyone this hard. what's wrong with you? this isn't normal, this isn't proper, this isn't right, he's not human and you're not canon and what the heck gender are you both anyway? oh and remember what the church says about marriage, if you really want to have that with him you've gotta go RIGHT back to the hell you bailed from back in 2003... et cetera et cetera. and i end up in hot angry frightened tears, confused and distraught and hating myself sometimes, because i had the bloody guts to fall in love with chaos 0.
i'm too red. i'm too bloody red, i'm all blood and heartbeats and roses and poppies and rubies and apples and peppermint. cinnamon candles and satin ribbons. open wounds and knife edges. lobster fishermen and lumberjacks, let's go right into the injokes, why not, those were ways of trying to justify myself to myself too. do i have to look and act like that to be valid? if i'm not a woman do i have to be a superman? what am i, really? what are you?
and now sonic frontiers is out and everyone is talking about him and my chest is aching every time i hear his name and i want to be part of it, i want to be part of him and his life and nobody cares about me, of course they don't, you're just a psycho fanboy, you're not even active in the fandom, when people think of him they don't think about you. you don't matter. your love doesn't matter.

except it does.
except it does and god help me I want it to matter to him in the greatest sense possible. i want our names together in people's tumblr tags, for heaven's sakes, i want to be part of your lore and your future both. i want you, beautiful terrible love of my life, blue angel and emerald maelstrom, and nobody cares about you like i do and nobody knows that.
...i want everybody to know that.
i don't care about me. in the end, isn't it ironic? i don't care about me in the long run. i don't want the attention. the focus i yearn for isn't so individualized. all i want is for people to look at you and think of us and realize that you're loved; you're worthy of this love and you're capable of this love and god help me but is it so wrong to want to be your other half? like, canonically? isn't that crazy? living up to my name, i guess.
i have these stupid dreams of picking up the phone and it's sonicteam telling me "hey jewel, sorry we're so late, we've got a voice acting role for you in the next game" and me being all "send me the plane tickets and i'll be right there, it's about time" and so on and so forth. ridiculous thoughts. whatever it would entail, i'm on board. if it only means two seconds of screentime where i get to look at you like this and that moment is emblazoned in your history forever then that's worth everything.
but i want you to look at me like that, too.
love aches for reciprocation.

God what am I even typing at this point. everything hurts.

I started this entry because I spent like six solid hours backing up old entries into this archive and I'm exhausted this morning with daily life and I made that dumb mistake of going back on Tumblr and remembering how poisonous it is and how I don't want to go back, even to my catholic blog, because we ALL know that fed the eating disorder behaviors in a horrible paradox of social performance and religious mania. i don't want to go back online if that's the sort of stuff that's on there.
but then ONE PERSON posts in your tag, cz, and says "i guess i'm the only chaos fan left" and i thought I BEG YOUR PARDON, dude I might have just spent 8 weeks in the hospital but i'm not dead yet, and besides Lord knows i'm not going to give up love in heaven if I mercifully get there. but... that post kept me awake. nobody knows. someone online ACTUALLY said that. yeah, it sounds ridiculous, but the wider implications of that statement just slammed into me like a sword through the ribs. someone thought of you and i didn't even come to mind. almost twenty years of loving you like this and i'm not even a blip on the radar. can you imagine, in an actual marriage, everyone knowing one partner and not the other? everyone saying your name and not even knowing i exist? shouldn't i be doing more for you? shouldn't i be talking about you more, defending your cause, sharing pictures and words and affection? "don't throw your pearls to the dogs," i've been told; i always fear they'll tear us apart but chaos i love you and i can't keep that quiet, i can't sit on the sidelines pretending that my heart isn't a supernova whenever someone says your name.
but the fandom is toxic. do i want to be part of that? do i want to put myself out there and be labeled again as something i've been ravaged by for years? do i want to be the token queer kid, the "monster lover," and risk the obscene misrepresentation solely for the ironic sake of honesty?
is it worth speaking up and speaking out if no one understands the language properly?

God I'm exhausted. I'll type more about this later. I probably stopped and started so many different topics and I still have to get up the house to help mom. Gotta keep up on those responsibilities too. 
I'm just overwhelmed. All the social performance and busywork I have to do over the next several hours... I want to weep. I'm so tired. It burns me out.

I'll see you all later. Say a prayer for me, all right? I've gotta get through this evening and... my heart isn't exactly open. Scar tissue is aching too much. I'm doomed if I don't get back to myself. I'm all tangled up from this entry; I still don't feel like I've said what I'm trying to say.
I'll try again, when the stars are out, and the world is quiet. I feel more like myself then, anyway, when there are no cameras on me and no scripts to guess. Until then, God give me the grace, pun intended.


111722

Nov. 17th, 2022 08:22 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)
Depressed and sick of myself today. Too much internet browsing. It fuels self-loathing so much, especially in terms of "you're a f*cking weirdo and you're ugly and you should be ashamed of yourself for the things you say and do and think and feel; you are a disgusting freak and everyone thinks you are repulsive." Like THAT is the literal brain-tirade I get by visiting online social spaces.

I didn't eat well today. I accidentally fasted for almost 7 hours because mom wanted me to help her at the house again and hit a food drive but she was late and didn't bring what she needed me to help her with anyway, and although I DID pack a lunch the INSTANT I walked into that old house ALL the terror hit. It was STAGGERING. I honestly FORGOT how deeply disturbing that environment ended up becoming to me. I still am not sure why. Maybe just trauma residue. I need review the archives in that regard; I should be starting therapy soon so I NEED to make sure I know WHY I'm in therapy.
But... yeah. Didn't eat until just a half hour ago, really. At least I ate something. Restriction is addictive, because it makes me feel FREE and PURE again, ESPECIALLY SINCE THE WAR HAS RESTARTED.

Yeah. It has. Apparently getting the body back up to 18.5 BMI (just barely "normal weight") WOKE UP ALL THE DEMONS.
...I forgot how hellish it was to live in this body when I WASN'T sedating and beating it up all the time.

...I've been furiously crying over it all day, mainly to Chaos 0, because I can talk to him about stuff that I can't even talk to LAURIE about, and wouldn't talk to Infi about either because ze's tied to a different bloodline and was born for very problematic reasons-- God knows ze needs therapy as much as I do. But that's the whole bloody point. My soul is RED. My heart is RED. I CANNOT deny that and I CANNOT CHANGE THAT and God knows that some days I have really tried. I've tried to be purple, green, pink, even orange once... nothing sticks. Nothing vibes. Nothing works. I ALWAYS end up being red again. The only time I was different was in early childhood when I leaned MAGENTA and PURPLE and those is close enough to Red anyway for it to shift hard once I hit like second grade... which, arguably, is when I first really realized I was VERY DIFFERENT from other kids. I mean, heck, it was obvious in lesser ways even earlier, looking back. Yes, like many tykes I LOVED dinosaurs and unicorns and dragons and dolphins, BUT I didn't like animals; I gravitated towards bats and scorpions and king cobras. And that was because they were scary. Somehow, I can recognize that even now, EVEN in WHY I liked unicorns and dragons. Everything was somehow tied to sacred suffering. I think back to when I was a kid, how I loved unicorns but ESPECIALLY the one with MY NAME, whose image is emblazoned on my heart since childhood because it WAS EXACTLY HOW I FELT-- that end-of-the-world feeling, that brave white creature with blood on his horn. Yes, "there xe goes again, talking about that. What a freak." Well you know what YEAH, I AM A FREAK THEN, because even at AGE 5 I was drawing creatures covered in bloody wounds from holy wars in dreams, and I couldn't stop thinking about either aliens or armageddon, I saw the whole world through the lens of the Fermi paradox and the apocalypse. I believed in angels and demons and mystical creatures and DREAMS and PAIN. I'm heartspilling here. I freakin' loved Animorphs and Young Wizards because they SPOKE MY LANGUAGE; they were kids in RIGHTEOUS BATTLES and people FELT & FACED HEAVY THINGS, on a greater scale than the normal YA literature that sometimes still mentioned death and stuff but not in the exaggerated way I craved. I was always so bored with assigned reading because yeah, they'd allude to someone passing away, or being in a war, or being heartbroken, or being in love, but NO ONE WOULD GO IN-DEPTH. No one talked about dreams, or other worlds. Everything was too human, too banal and too claustrophobic for me. I would constantly imagine wilder things.
I'm struggling to phrase this. When I hit second grade I realized that no one else really cared about these things like me. I wrote like a 7-page report on gulper eels one day and was reading it enthusiastically in front of the class when I noticed kids actually yawning at me. The teacher told me to cut it short. I was gutted, in the same way as those poor eels, because not only did I think they were kinda beautiful, they had a RED LIGHT on the tip of their tails AND I had learned that their cells would rupture if you brought them out of the deep water and they'd basically melt or explode, and I kept on thinking what would that do to their heart but NO ONE ELSE SEEMED TO CARE. I sat down with my report that day genuinely crushed, wondering why they didn't care. This was around the same time I realized that I didn't experience crushes/ attraction and was SUPER ANNOYED with the girls and boys talking about "cooties" and boy bands and magazine models. It genuinely made me ANGRY. That was when I took that "vow of celibacy," telling God "I will NEVER get married and I will NEVER date someone older than me like that," sick of seeing my fellow youths swoon over teenagers and even adults (boy bands I am LOOKING AT YOU). The problem happened in THIRD grade, when we were doing a school play in the classroom and I was the dinosaur and every other AFAB person was either an Egyptian princess or something else human & feminine. But... between "acts" we would chill in the closet in the back, and one of the girls-- Stefanie-- for some reason needed to change her outfit?? and she asked ME to borrow something?? like a slip, or a blouse, or something, because I had an extra. The details are blurry, all I remember is that I was bizarrely the ONLY person who could spare what she needed. Either that or it was the opposite-- she needed to change and asked me to hold her clothes because I was the only "girl" NOT going out with the other princess group. But... she took off her school blouse, momentarily only wearing a training bra, and I remember just looking at her bare shoulders from the back and thinking good Lord she is so pretty and feeling like the floor had dropped out. I was reeling for a minute. It didn't even HIT me that I liked girls. That wasn't "possible" so it didn't even register. And yet there I was, swooning over Alexandria every five minutes, wanting to be her best friend so I could hug her and sit next to her and stuff, even going so far as to stay after class at the end of the day to secretly pilfer tiny Keroppi erasers and Chococat stationery from her desk, because as a new "Pokemon trainer" that kawaii-creature stuff was my aesthetic too so that meant we liked the same stuff and I wanted to be part of that but didn't know how to ask.
I'm really rambling. You all know the story about 8th grade, when one of the girls in class walked up to me with a teen magazine with male swimwear models and asked me "if I thought this guy was cute" because the other girls were at a stalemate and they wanted my opinion. I remember looking at the guy and thinking, "I want to look like that," and not knowing what to say, so I think I muttered "I dunno, I guess?" while all the while thinking that girl was WAY cuter than any guy, and REELING from the sudden earthshaking revelation that WOW OKAY I'M KINDA A DUDE THEN? Hilariously and tragically it was around this time period that I DISSOCIATED HARD for high school and BURIED that under the "spinnincannon" manic persona, although I still couldn't deny the fact that I was still attracted to ladies, you ALL remember Skittygirl and Sailor Moon and Tokyo Mew Mew, and how I was MORTIFIED if anyone found out I was watching the transformation scenes in slow motion and drawing anthro chicks without any clothes. Chastely, of course, I wasn't interested in sexuality but I felt things that I NEVER could feel for anyone "male," EVEN Bakura and Marik, who I realized I ONLY liked because they looked so feminine. Then we got a Gamecube and I would carry the SA2B instruction booklet to school to look at it secretly between classes, and as I was sitting in math class one day and thinking about Chaos 0 my heart just kind of ached and the universe flipped over and I realized, "oh my gosh I'm in love," and I KNEW because I had NEVER felt that for ANYONE before but it was UNDENIABLE. Everyone use to joke that "you'll just know!" and I wondered how, because yeah I loved Bakura but I wasn't in love, I didn't feel anything like they showed in the movies or anything, and then suddenly I found myself with a fire blooming beneath my ribs because of this alien Sonic character and what do you know, they were right. Everything changed.
BUT it was already the Julie days and when my body started to change too I FREAKED THE HECK OUT and couldn't draw myself anymore and heartspace went mostly dormant and the MANIC Jewel took over, but thank GOD for Sonic Chats (I STILL MISS THOSE) and their absolutely screwball off-the-walls humor, because even with the impossible crossovers and looneytune antics I STILL spent most of my time with Chaos 0, teaching him how to talk, petting him like a Chao when he'd get anxious from all the commotion, playing my favorite music for him to hear, showing him all the cool stuff in the world that I treasured. Dude I even remember that freakin' treehouse that "my three" and I would chill out in back in elementary school still, and Marik (bless him) was trying to learn guitar because that's what cool kids do, and Bakura would be playing some game in the corner and Chaos was just... so different. The outcast, the weird guy, just like me. But we cared so much for him. We ALL were fighting our own demons too, so we understood the whole Perfection fear, in our own ways, what with the Yamis and the Millennium Items, don't forget I had that emerald Tiara (AND 'JEZEBEL' WAS MY YAMI although she had a different name) and the Love Hurts comic was being written at the same time, along with ALL the *incidents* everyone had... long story short we were all in the blood and beauty together. We ALL were like that. We were drawn to the strange and creepy things-- we WERE strange and creepy things really, all of us, when you got down to it. What am I even trying to say.
I just... miss all of that. I miss the camaraderie we had, simple and small, always fighting something but always together after the smoke cleared. Honestly my absolute favorite memories of old Heartspace were WHEN we would get into awful brawls with some "demon" in my psyche OR theirs and we'd end up all covered in blood and sweat and tears by the end, collapsing into each others arms and laughing and sobbing and alive, and we LOVED each other, all of us, and it was beautiful.
We've... lost that, somewhat, in the System, lately. Life has become so externalized. I've become so self-loathing, and ashamed of that part of my heart, that RED light in me, that dreamjumper fire and imaginative courage. I was ALWAYS forming Links with other "worlds;" I was always jumping into stories like a madman just to talk to the folks who were "a little off in the head" just like me, to meet them in dreams and, maybe, bring them into mine. Only some of them did-- they became Outspacers. Others would just be people I visited. But... I typically only ever visited guys. It was so strange. I was trying so hard to be "straight," and I was SO disillusioned by "normal" guys AND girls, that I ended up vibing with either father figures OR not-quite-human weirdos like myself. My CONSTANT joke was that I "only fell in love with human girls and alien guys," because you never saw monster girls in the media back then, but the monsters you did see were always male-coded. So I could "reassure" myself that I was "doing what was expected of me" in that sense, even unconsciously. Still... I never fell in love, not like I did that first time. At the end of the day I'd always end up back with the blue guy. Then there was that one Sonic Chat around the time we discovered NiGHTS when CZ and I were chilling by the fireplace at the end of October and Shadow brought pink champagne and Knux was flirting with Rouge and I looked right at Chaos and I dared him, "should we show them how it's done?" and that was it. That was the first time I didn't hide it from anyone. In that ridiculously silly chatroom, with everyone else tipsy and laughing, I had enough cover to pull that off without being paid attention to, but... still. I was fiercely joyous. I almost wanted to show him off. I wanted to shout, "look, I'm in love, and it's amazing!" just for the bliss of it. But I didn't. I pretended to be drunk just so I'd have a plausible excuse for why I was kissing the water creature by the fireplace for an hour. I remember how nervous I was though; how my heart was racing from the gravity of what I was doing, as strange as the circumstances were. Still. It was the most honest I had been in a long time.

The war has started again.
...I miss it. You know what, yeah, I miss the fighting although I DO NOT miss the battlefield. I hate feeling like this body, and this world, are in siege against my heart at every moment of the day. But... we have alone time, now, just like we did when I was a kid. We CAN go upstairs again, and talk, and fight, and love and weep and LIVE, like we used to. THAT'S why I'm bent on uploading the old archives. I want to REMEMBER what that was like so we can HAVE IT AGAIN. I want to have bloody *incidents* again, God knows, I don't care if they're "late" I WANT to have that with people. I WANT to experience those larger-than-life, dreamlike nightmarish events saturated with blood and love, that pulled the truth out of our souls and manifested it for all to see. I WANT to be so brave and honest and open and AFLAME again, like I KNOW I am, deep down.
I AM Red. I WANT to be Red, God knows I do. I LOVE this color, I LOVE its fire and cinnamon and blood and rubies and roses and candy canes and holly berries and hearts. It's a color of action and danger and passion and love and LIFE, of pain and joy and warmth and courage, of ME. 
And if keeping this color means fighting a war to keep it that pure and beautiful, then SO BE IT.

...I feel better now, haha. I'm so tired of feeling like I "should be ashamed" of myself for my "psychotic imagination" and the fact that yeah, I'm in love with a Sonic character, I have been for 19 years and I plan to be forever. What of it? Is that offensive to you? Why? I don't want to care about that anymore. I am so tired of crushing my own soul just to make it "socially acceptable." Well "socially acceptable" things are often VERY NOT RED, they're all beige and whitewashed and have no edges, but I LIKE edges dude, I LIKE weird-ass creepy scary things, I LIKE my knives and gulper eels and angels with fiery swords. I LIKE having hundreds of other people in this psyche that I love and that love me, even though there are a few that arguably don't, and a few do actively try to kill me, but hey. Such is System life.
...I want it all. I don't care how hard I have to fight, I honestly MISS the battles, I keep saying that but it is SO TRUE, I can't help but repeat it.
Maybe that's why God let this happen. Geez maybe it is.

I'll type more about this later. I just noticed what time it is.


prismaticbleed: (Default)

"BE GOOD TO YOURSELF."


FOOD

9am breakfast (during Partial) =  jazz apple, 1 cup soymilk, 2/3 cup allbran, 2 hardboiled eggs, 1 cup hot cinnamon sunset tea (422K/ 60c/ 15f/ 25p)
12pm lunch (during Partial) = pink lady apple, brioche bun, 1 tbsp mayo, lettuce & tomato, black pepper, perdue chicken breast, cheddar sun chips (562k/ 65c/ 22f/ 27p)
1630 dinner (offline) = 4 grapes, fortune cookie (do what's RIGHT, not what you "should"), broccoli, spinach, 1 hardboiled egg, english muffin w/ soybutter & 7 raisins that I shared with CZ โ™ก thank you sweetheart. oh yes & mint tea w/ soymilk (388k/ 52c/ 12f/ 20p)
2000 snack (offline) = oatmeal & soymilk w/ 1 drop molasses, 2 carrots, bengal spice tea w/ soymilk, 1 raisin, 1 popcorner, 1 forkful of cake crumbs from mom! sharing 1 sunchip w/ xennie (333k, 52c, 8f, 13p)
water = ~2400ml; soymilk, tea, gatorade, vitamin water

NOTES = chicken made me sick?? burning itchy ears. either that or stress. be careful. burger was surprisingly good though. so was the allbran! it has a BOSS texture. jazz apples are LOVELY; get some more when we run out! I didn't pay enough attention to the tea; SIP it tomorrow. enjoy it especially in this beautiful chill weather. always put at least ONE bonus raisin with the soybutter from now on; it's a challenge food still and that helps get used to it. stop nibbling though!! adding bits adds up & it's a bad habit. (do be honest with recording all instances though.) still, a few random sunchips are nice in moderation.
learning what portion sizes are best for me. less bloated today. had lots of tea; it was nice! carrots were LOVELY. shared a lot w/ the heartfam. remember how precious the little everyday moments are. โ™ก now SLEEP GEEZ


FITNESS
how am i feeling physically? = "chunky," nauseous, stiff, bloated
type of activity = trying the new stationary bike!
duration plan = ~30m, decent speed
backup plan = ~15m, then ~15m weights
good workout = didn't get to bike (too busy) BUT i took the stairs a few times which was nice!
breakthrough = actually GETTING a bike!!
obstacle = still scared of body shape. need to see it as ENERGY STORAGE.


MENTAL HEALTH
how am i feeling mentally? = MORN- 5; AFT- 2; EVE- 9
highlight from the day, however small = laughing out loud at my post-it notes, especially "if it ain't mealtime, you better COME BACK LATER!" been a while since i laughed, even longer since i let myself be my own goofy brand of "humorous" without beating myself up.
how i overcame an obstacle = put my foot down with partial. refused to "follow mealplan orders" when i knew they would trigger self-abusive behaviors on my part. could have done better BUT I KNEW the risks and would not just kowtow to them anymore, the longterm psychospiritual consequences are not worth the temporary "social approval"
what can i let go of = bitterness & stubbornness
positive trait i recognize in myself = determination, hope, want to do what is RIGHT. thinking about that fortune cookie a lot. being told i "should" do something does NOT necessarily mean that action is RIGHT!!
what did i do to relax = let myself enjoy dinner & bible study; not obsessing over the mealplan
an inspirational quote, moment, or lyric = "if you decide it's a good day, it's a GOOD DAY"


GOALS
larger goals i am focusing on this week/month:
- get into a regular sleep schedule
- exercise ~30m cardio ~30m weights daily?
- attend one FULL week of partial; THEN decide if it works
- draft a general, budget/resource friendly mealplan
- fit in ~60m of CREATIVE/ RECHARGE/ RELAX time daily!

steps to take today:
- DON'T CHEAT ON THE MEALPLAN! be honest!!
- get to bed by 10pm
- EXERCISE for 30 minutes, even just the stairs
- JOURNAL!
- I CHOOSE WEEKEND FOOD! plan the meals!

struggles i encountered:
1. feeling very full & nauseous after eating
2. "allergy fear" over chicken; fear of tofu
3. mealplan problems at partial; they are requiring WAY too much food intake per meal

solutions:
1. take a mint, brush teeth, DISTRACT if bad; IT'LL PASS. find a connected Nousfoni??
2. don't buy any more chicken! TRY the tofu. give it a shot. take benadryl if really scared.
3. DON'T FORCE, BUT DON'T SKIP! eat healthy portions & eat ENOUGH. space it out!


GRATITUDE
highlight of my day =
- making SO MANY POSTIT NOTES & sticking 'em all over the fridge
- eating a jazz apple & watching the rain
- sharing dinner with chaos 0 & "just enjoying life" together โ™ก
- going outside for a second & seeing silver evening clouds racing above
- drawing a little picture of Gimmelwald for art therapy group & EVERYONE LOVED IT??

today i am grateful for
=
- xenophon, chaos 0, laurie, & genesis โ™กโ™กโ™ก
- APPLES! THEY GROW ON TREES!
- the legit SLEET outside right before midnight!!
- the PROVEN fact that I AM STILL CREATIVE
- bonus raisins, carrot tails, and tiger tea

express joy=
today was armistice day; poppies as a sign of a bright & shining future, full of peace & hope. there is a war ending in me too. i'm learning slowly how to handle this body gently, to embrace & not fight it.

something i'm looking forward to tomorrow
=
grapes! trying the new meal ideas! building the bike!
CHURCH maybe!! (st. john's even; maybe i'll WALK?)
NO PARTIAL; get to do ALL productive stuff!
and whatever God has in store for us โ™ก





111122

Nov. 11th, 2022 10:08 am
prismaticbleed: (held)



UPMC PARTIAL DAY 02

11-11-22

I’m having some significant troubles with this online treatment thing.

My mood has PLUMMETED. I’m not sure why. Meals which I would enjoy on my own, I want to vomit as soon as I eat on camera. BUT I ate dinner with mom last night, and that was fine.

Just… here, I feel trapped in disorder, still. It’s ironic. I have to make meals that fit their “one entree three sides” mealplan, which has me obsessing for HOURS over “what would be acceptable on camera” and STILL give me balanced nutrition, not a hyperload of any macronutrient. But the hardest part is that “acceptable” bit. I would love to just eat intuitively, choosing what my body needs and what will properly sustain it. That’s my goal. I’m angry because I feel barred from that, with partial.

 

 

...I don’t like table talk. It’s always TV and pop music talk so far. It’s frustrating.

I’m trying to do my Bible study instead which is helping. I finished Job 19, with that beautiful and aching final paragraph. There’s so much to reflect upon. I miss this. I love my faith.

I want to dive into that, not food. I’m tired of this focus on diet. Even in recovery.

 

 

I’m so tempted to just… log off and quit.

 

I don’t want to scandalize anyone, but… I’m so upset. I don’t know what to do.

 

I want to keep trying. Somehow. I’ll do it. I have to. I can’t just ragequit. That’s not right.

 

 

...Why am I so frustrated? I feel sick, emotionally. Inpatient wasn’t like this. Perhaps it’s the lack of “solitude,” ironically, now with ten people staring at me through the webcam for six hours. It feels claustrophobic.

 

I WANT to eat. I WANT to be healthy and recover. I just legitimately worry that this program isn’t the best fit for me.

 

But jeepers this is only day two. I have to give it more time.

 

Maybe the groups will be better today. We’ll see.

 

 

 

...At home, I’m never alone. I’m really not.

 

Genesis is ghosting with me in public again, thank God, thank God. I miss him so much; he’s such a firework. He always keeps me stable, too, which I appreciate so much. He tries a little too hard sometimes, I think, but I still am so glad that he pushes me to be honest and unafraid and optimistic and hopeful. I need his golden light. Maybe I should focus on him today, remember how much I love him, too, and what he means to me-- who he is, in and of himself. That’s an “emotion regulation” skill anyway-- to build positive emotions, be mindful of them, and distract from these worries.

 

 

I can’t get over how distressing this partial thing feels. I’m legitimately grouchy. This isn’t me. What’s going on? What’s causing this response?

Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. What am I forgiving? Forgiveness requires an injury, a loss, a grieving of some sort. Am I grieving the loss of freedom, of silence, of peace, of creative joy? I can’t even vacuum my apartment. I can’t get to church. I keep worrying about the program.

...I would worry on my own, too, though, right now. At least, until I figure out a sustainable, nutritious mealplan, where I get enough calories on an even schedule.

 

Flexible mind. Be open. Be curious. I CAN still learn something from this. I need to keep an open mind. ...I need to keep an open heart.

 

 

...God, isn’t that relevant. That is what I want to talk about.

We’ll get there, though. I can’t pour my heart on on that honestly until I get my emotions settled out more. No pushing things under rugs. I need to vacuum anyway, remember?

 

 

I feel nauseous, so I must be disgusted.” Emotional reasoning distortion. I think that’s part of this, unconsciously.

 

 

On that note, here’s the current group homework-lesson: every night, list three positive experiences &/or good things that you are grateful for today. Focus on that. I can absolutely think of a lot already.

Focus on gratitude. Give thanks ALWAYS, in ALL situations, for THIS is God’s Will for you, in Christ Jesus.

Even this. Especially this, maybe. Crosses are sacred. This is definitely one.

 

 

 

So. I need Nousfoni help. I NEED System help.

Nousfoni HOLD emotions. If I just…. Give this sick feeling to someone who’s special heart is anchored to it, who exists TO process and manifest that feeling, we can heal it together. We can understand the emotions and their roots because NOW they are given a face and a heart that I love and that AREN’T “just me.” Isn’t that weird? When emotions feel “just MINE,” they feel… distant. Disconnected. Foreign. Like… they’re a virus, something in me that’s NOT me but that is just there. BUT when a NOUSFONI takes it on and holds it, and the nausea is SOMEONE, then… even feeling nauseous makes me feel them. I know they’re there, and I CAN endure it, and even be affectionate about it. It’s such a holy paradox. Yes it IS holy, because LOVE IS HOLY, always, and this IS love. THIS is “embracing the Cross.” THIS is realizing and saying, “GOD gave me this little suffering in order to GROW VIRTUE in me.” God is my lapidary, and I am His Jewel. Always. I cannot ever lose that name, I am realizing. Yes, even if Archie Comics named an adorable beetle after me, haha. But I cannot “rename myself” just because of that conflict. I can have other names, for other aspects of me, AS me-- just like my beloved does, actually, don’t forget that-- but deep down in my heart, I’m still Jewel. That’s a TITLE, more than anything. It still holds all the magic of my childhood and the Dream World. When I think of my name, I think of that.

...But I do need a “grown-up” name, a System name. That I must admit. “Jewel Lightraye” is my LEAGUE name, my CREATIVE name, my WORLDJUMPER name. It’s my TITLE, my OFFICE, my JOB. But… I’m sure I have a more personal name, too. Even just a different surname, even, like Nousfoni have. Now that’s an intriguing thought. I’ll definitely give that more reflection when I’m not in group!

 

 

In any case I’ve gotta start those gratitude & self-reflection journals I got at inpatient. Those will help, I’m sure.

But there’s the frustration again. “I can’t do that when I have to be in partial all day!”

 

Well, keep one on your desk! Do a page BEFORE Partial, if you’re up early enough! Do one right after, to settle your mind! I HAVE to shoehorn nice things in, despite the program restraints. I can’t let that get me down.

 

 

Challenge two: “what would I like to change in my life/ attitude, to make positive things more permanent and frequent in my life?”

 

I definitely want to drop the grumpiness. Maybe I can take some notes from Care Bears, honestly. I wonder if a Grumpy plush would help. He’ll sit next to Cheer, remind me of the intrinsic connection between stormclouds and rainbows. I like that a lot. ...It reminds me of a certain someone, too, obviously. But we’ll get back to that.

Make good things into habits. Practice them! Stick them into every day, even as little bubbles of joy, no matter what.

 

Heck I can do that even now. Even outside of this group. I can always have something beautiful in another window. I can always keep something nice on my desk. I wonder if I can even write poetry. Gosh I miss oneword. That’s GOTTA be part of my new daily routine. SCHEDULE IT IN BOY!

Three good things since waking up:

 

1. A gentle rain outside, silver-soft skies, and autumn leaves like copper pennies over the emerald grass

2. The “jazz” apple I had for breakfast; it wasn’t sour and didn’t hurt my teeth. It was surprisingly enjoyable, even if I don’t have data for it… yet! I’ll definitely make a note to try some again. I’m actually looking forward to discovering my FAVORITE kind of apple; it’s a little thing and sounds silly but actually, it’s a precious tiny sweet grateful joy. It’s a genuine appreciation for a special little part of God’s Creation. And I was so scared of apples for so long, from the stomach pain I used to get from fruit. But that is decreasing markedly. I enjoy them again now, like I used to when I was younger. For goodness’ sakes, they’re crunchy and red; what’s not to like? And they taste like TWO seasons-- some taste like summer, some like autumn, and that’s beautiful. But I’m gonna find my favorite. I should write down things I like about EVERY meal, actually. That will help. I’ll get a little journal to do that; either that or start a Word document here. Maybe here. That way I can directly publish things, and my thoughts hit the “paper” faster. Nevertheless! Apples! I like the Jazz ones apparently! Thank You God for fruit, it’s really cool stuff. It GROWS ON TREES! Honestly just think about how NEAT that is. Food in general is SO FASCINATING. You realize that ALL food is either a PLANT or body tissue? Like… even eggs, they’re what new things are BORN from. that’s crazy. And apples GROW ON TREES I can’t get over how cool that is. Gosh I’m legit hype over the phenomenon of fruit. This is definitely a mood booster, haha. Thank You God AGAIN.

3. My little Celebi plushie, and how just looking at her reminds me of the genuine joy she practically incarnates-- the smell of spring, the vibrant green of trees after rain, the endless adventure of the woods, komorebi. I look at her and I remember what it felt like to FIRST be Jewel, back in 2001, the name just as new as the flowers she blessed and just as full of faith in the future-- bright and shining and real and promised. There WILL be a “tomorrow,” even if it never “gets here.” This too shall pass, but this moment is still eternal. Gorgeous paradoxes.

 

 

Gratitude point number four.

 

Chaos 0.

 

 

 

 

Today is 11/11. Let me say that first. Armistice day.

 

Today makes me think of Celebi, for the poppy flowers. For time, and hope, and healing.

But for some reasons 1111 as a number makes me think of CZ. I’m not sure why, but… if I had to offer the first association in my heart, it’s July 7th. Hope in its most heartachingly intense form.

 

 

...Yesterday, he ghosted with me.

I had just gotten home from getting groceries for mom & myself, and was carrying all the stuff down the sidewalk. Genesis showed up again, but… the domestic feeling of everything just pulled at my heartstrings and… I was afraid to ask. Genesis insisted, I know that, and left with a genuine smile, his sparkler-bright vibe blinking out to be replaced by a feeling like the tide breaking through-- a gentle but heavy rush, deep water moving in to fill everything with strength and softness. It felt like someone had just poured a river into my heart. And there he was, walking with me, looking at me with those eyes, speaking without speaking.

I forgot how he “talks” in that sense, his “default” language-- emotion, not words. I wonder if he hears like that, too. ...or at least, I know he does for me. We’re too close. No, we’re not close enough. But we’re too close to hide anything, and thank God. And that’s why he was looking at me like that, with love and inquiry and ache and tiredness. How do I even summarize what that all “said?” He talks in bundles-- several sentiments all wrapped up together, as some new whole… and inevitably received as a gift, even when it hurts.

It’s about time” that I called him into my life, yet “I missed you so much” and “why don’t we do this more often” and “are you going to let me into your life here too?” He knew how badly I wanted this and yet how inexplicably I resisted it-- the ambivalence between soul and skin, the awful conflict between who I WAS in my soul and who I was “stuck” being in the body.

 

...

 

I ate breakfast with him, both of us sitting by the window.

 

He was just sitting on the floor by the bookshelf, looking at me and the world outside, a perfectly content look in his eyes. I wondered at this, and asked him if he was all right just sitting there, especially while I was eating-- I wasn’t doing anything special, and he didn’t have to stick around.

 

He replied, “I’m just sharing life with you. That’s special enough.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(add to this later; posting for now so it’s up)

 

110422

Nov. 4th, 2022 10:41 am
prismaticbleed: (shatter)


This is a cross. This is a literal cross. It's meant to kill me, as DESERVED RETRIBUTION for all the sins I have committed through the eating disorder. I deserve this. I really do deserve this. This is just deserts, for the YEARS of sin.
For gorging myself with junk, I am now FORCED to do so. For the thousands of times I vomited, I now ALWAYS have to feel like I'm about to puke. For all the stress I caused my family, I now have CHRONIC anxiety & panic attacks. For all my dehydration, I now can't even STOMACH water. For the abuse of my stomach, it is now causing ME unending pain & nausea. For all the money I wasted, I now have NO accessible funds OR freedom of purchases. For all the bad thoughts I had, I now have SO many headaches. For all my insistence on allergies, I now CANNOT properly breathe on a regular basis. For all the "self-idolatry" of thinness, my body is now BLOATED & STIFF & MONSTROUS, incapable of being admired or boasted in. For all those years of disordered eating & control obsession, my life is now FORCED to revolve around "refeeding" & "weight restoration" & NO CONTROL AT ALL.
I have been stripped of everything, beaten justly, and NAILED TO THIS CROSS.
I am realizing that now. There IS NO ESCAPE and there CANNOT BE, not until I DIE.
And I can't decide on when, either. It's ALL in God's hands.
...And that is my ONLY HOPE.
Yes, I am suffering through HELL now, and for the rest of my life-- BUT. IT'S ALL A CROSS. IT'S JUST PUNISHMENT. IT'S PENITENTIAL. And if I join my Patron, Dismas, in his humble contrite acceptance, and TURN TO CHRIST WITH REPENTANCE, then even when I DO DIE FROM THIS, I'LL ALREADY HAVE SUFFERED HELL. I'll have ACCEPTED my sentence and THE WILL OF GOD IN IT. And then when I die, IF I have TRUSTED IN CHRIST ALONE TO SAVE ME, then ALL this hellish suffering is MY DEBT BEING PAID. It is MY BLOODY & BLESSED SHARE IN THE PASSION OF CHRIST. God has GIVEN ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO EXPLICIT PENANCE FOR MY SINS BEFORE I DIE. If I die with Christ ON THIS CROSS, in the SAME WAY HE DID-- with LOVING SURRENDER & TRUST IN GOD & COURAGEOUS SUFFERING FOR THE SAKE OF OTHERS-- then I will BE WITH HIM WHEN I DIE.
If I embrace the Cross, for the love of Jesus, every pain will be TRANSFORMED into a redemptive sacrifice!! If I STOP TRYING TO "FIGHT" & CHEAT & STARVE & "GET THIN" AGAIN, not to be healthy but out of FEAR & HATE & REJECTION, and instead SURRENDER TO THE REALITY GOD HAS PLACED ME IN-- a reality of POVERTY & ACCOUNTABILITY & HONESTY & INTEGRITY & LIFE & HARDWORK & SACRIFICE & COURAGE & HUMILITY-- then I will have the PEACE OF CHRIST, which CONQUERS THE WORLD. But please, you MUST remember that VICTORY BELONGS TO GOD ALONE, and GOD IS LIFE & TRUTH & LOVE. God is gentleness & patience & joy, longsuffering & generosity & kindness, the SOURCE & SUMMIT OF ALL HOPE. The ONLY way we CAN survive this "hell" is by LETTING CHRIST "HARROW" IT.
EMBRACE THE CROSS!!
Please! Do it with LOVING TRUST!! Have FAITH!! Yes this is painful & scary & difficult but GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL & THIS IS STILL FOR YOUR HIGHEST GOOD. You cannot halfass this. You CANNOT love halfheartedly! GOD DEMANDS YOUR ALL, and RIGHTEOUSLY SO-- because when you give ALL to God, the devil gets NOTHIN'!!
So chin up, kiddo. God knows what He's doing AND where we're going, so hold His Hand, set your face towards the Light, and WALK WITH HIM!!

prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

What will move me closer to how I would like to live, or what is more in line with my personal values?

I value tender-heartedness, compassion, MERCY, sincerity, gentleness, kindness, courage, justice... my resistance to forgive is CLASHING with these. To be brave would be to FACE the truth of my pain. JUSTICE would be acknowledging it was wrong, BUT ALSO refusing to PERPETUATE pain?? I daresay TBAS suffered enough when I left. ... Honestly THAT is motive enough for compassion, if I'm seeking one. Don't filter out the TRUTH of THEIR experiences in this matter.
I want to live with a TENDER HEART, a BRAVE HEART, a GENTLE yet STRONG heart. Such a heart CAN'T HELP BUT FORGIVE, even the WORST pains. FOLLOW JESUS. THE CROSS IS A BLESSING; IT IS THE INSTRUMENT OF THE MOST POWERFUL LOVE POSSIBLE. IT'S GRACE.


Which path leads to more suffering?

Bitterness, regret, rage, despair... it does no good and CANNOT do any good. HOWEVER, EMOTIONS ARE SIGNPOSTS TO DEEPER THOUGHTS, so that suffering MUST BE LOOKED AT, NOT DENIED OR IGNORED, in order to heal! Forgiveness CANNOT HAPPEN IN TRUTH UNLESS YOU ADMIT THERE IS SOMETHING TO FORGIVE. Also... this thought "I deserve to suffer for what I did" shows that you need to forgive YOURSELF for the trauma, too.


What do I fear I may lose if I were to practice forgiveness? Is this fear justified?

I'm afraid I will lose "moral integrity"? Which is IMPOSSIBLE because JESUS FORGIVES!!! BUT actually I think it's because I WOULD "MAKE MYSELF THE ABUSER" if I forgave them? Because I LET THEM DO IT, because I LOVED THEM? and they said THAT WAS LOVE? and so it's HARD TO KNOW WHAT TO FORGIVE in EITHER of us. I destroyed myself and suffered such psychospiritual damage, in the attempt to love and be loved. But they had the wrong definition of love? If I forgive them, what do I do with the pain? the grief? the disgust? the despair and terror? If I forgive them, I fear that my real suffering will be invalidated? 


Would my life be more fulfilling if I were able to relax vigilance about the past hurt or grievance?

YES!! I am SO TIRED of being haunted by the event(s). I WANT to let go and move on, IN COMPASSIONATE FREEDOM. Right now, it's wrecking me. I can't fully face the reality of what happened; I want to CRY & SCREAM & DIE, EVEN NOW, because the LOSS was THAT GUTTING. But I WANT TO BE WHOLE AGAIN. If I forgive, will I lose that chance? How do I come to terms with the WOUND?? CAN it ever stop hurting? SHOULD it, if the injury was SPIRITUAL? God, what do I do? HALF THE FAULT IS MINE. I'm struggling so much.


Am I holding onto my fear or anger for other reasons (e.g., secret desire for revenge)?

I want to scream, "IT WAS WRONG!! THAT WASN'T LOVE!! YOUR VIOLENCE AND LUST AND POSSESSIVENESS WERE NOT LOVE!!! HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THAT??" I WANT them to see that, THROUGH REVEALING THE WOUNDS IT INFLICTED??? But they DO KNOW, don't they? Haven't I said so? But they didn't believe me. They were PROUD of their "conquering me." They said I was making it all up, to "hide the truth" they alleged-- that I had "WANTED" it. God HOW DO I FORGIVE without somehow "making that true"??? IF I LET GO OF THE PAIN & ANGER, I HAVE NO "PROOF" THAT THEY ACTED ABUSIVELY. If I "let go," then it feels like I'm "ACCEPTING" their behavior. And I CAN'T. SHOULD I?? How do I "accept" without "embracing"?? BECAUSE THAT GOT ME RAPED LAST TIME.




110322

Nov. 3rd, 2022 10:27 am
prismaticbleed: (angel)

Trust God's plan. "The present moment IS perfect, EVEN if I don't like it!" "Though He slay me, I STILL HOPE IN HIM."
Rejecting the new reality of this body does not make it smaller. Rejecting the reality of the mealplan does not make it smaller. Rejecting the reality of my pain & discomfort & fear & anxiety & depression does not make it all go away, and it does not stop those feelings from occurring either. I CANNOT ignore the facts and I CANNOT ignore my problems & struggles! If I WANT & HOPE for things to change, I MUST first ACCEPT the situation, without grumbling or complaining, EXACTLY as it IS, RIGHT NOW-- even if I am suffering and I don't like it. I NEED to ACCEPT the FACTS, if I want to properly "problem-solve." I MUST be HONEST! But I must ALSO realize that PAIN CAN'T BE AVOIDED-- and honestly it SHOULDN'T BE. Suffering is inherent in this life of exile; every human must and WILL suffer.
But SO DID CHRIST, and when we ACCEPT the reality of our suffering, AND the Reality of the CROSS, we gain the GRACE necessary to UNITE OUR CROSS TO HIS, which enables us to not only bear OUR cross with GRATITUDE for that redemptive act & our OPPORTUNITY to COOPERATE with it, but also to therefore COPE & ADAPT with a WILLING, TRUSTING HEART to ANY pain we face, TRUSTING that it is ALL GOD'S WILL. But we NEED to START FROM A PLACE OF VULNERABILITY & SINCERITY. You CANNOT join Christ on His Cross if you REFUSE TO ADMIT YOU'RE CARRYING ONE!!! THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DISMAS & GESTAS. Dismas ACCEPTED his cross AS a cross-- AS something OBJECTIVELY & HONESTLY painful & scary & DESERVED-- and ONLY BY THAT HUMBLE ACCEPTANCE was he ABLE to TRANSCEND IT, WITHOUT REJECTING IT.
And I must do that or I won't survive; physically, emotionally, OR spiritually. Rejecting the Cross keeps me STUCK THERE and AWAY FROM THE PEACE OF CHRIST!!! And God knows I am SO TIRED OF FIGHTING. I want to just surrender to God's Will, even when-- ESPECIALLY when-- it involves my being sick & uncomfortable & frightened. IF GOD IS ORCHESTRATING IT-- WHICH HE ALWAYS IS-- then I can ALWAYS TRUST in His Will!! And that trust ALLOWS HIS GOOD PURPOSES to TAKE EFFECT IN MY LIFE, which they can't if I keep rejecting reality, and resisting the facts. EVERYTHING HAS A HIGHER PURPOSE, EVEN WHEN IT GENERATES PAIN & SUFFERING!!! There is ALWAYS a lesson to learn. There is ALWAYS a greater, deeper meaning. "The LORD giveth and the LORD taketh away; BLESSED BE THE LORD!!" And when THAT is my perspective, GRACE & GRATITUDE & TRUST allow me to ACTIVELY & HONESTLY REALIZE that, no matter what I may suffer, no matter how much pain there is in it, LIFE IS WORTH LIVING, because it's a GIFT FROM GOD. ALL of it. Remember the promise of Scripture: there are ETERNAL JOYS in heaven that make EVERY TEMPORARY WORLDLY PAIN WORTH ENDURING. That's the motive Christ always had!! He KNEW that ALL the agony was STILL TEMPORARY, His goal & motive was ETERNITY, and that REALITY in His Heart was SO CLEAR & TRUE that He EMBRACED the Cross as the PATH TO IT!!! And so too must I, if I want to touch Heaven even in the midst of hell.
...It really comes down to choice. To FREE WILL. Do I choose to resist & reject, NOT trusting that God IS in control and DOES see me and DOES know it hurts and DOES CARE? Or do I choose TO trust Him in ALL those ways, saying "THY WILL, NOT MINE, BE DONE," even if it KILLS me? Do I trust in the reality of Christ's Resurrection? Do I trust that I am STILL "MADE IN GOD'S IMAGE" EVEN if I'm fat & sick? I WANT to. God knows I desperately want to, but I CAN'T by myself. God, give me the Grace, to TRUST YOU & be who YOU want me to be!!


prismaticbleed: (angel)

This is your time to shine and let go of anything stopping you from being "great for God." Make a list of things you want to fulfill in this "right time" season (OF RECOVERY).

The OBVIOUS big thing "stopping me from shining" was/is the eating disorder. But... last night, as I talked about future "hopes" with mom, it got me VIOLENTLY DEPRESSED. So there's a DEEPER obstacle in the way-- a sense of GUILTY SHAME for even WANTING or WISHING to be creative-- to shine. In the deep places of my heart I want to Serve God with ALL He has given me-- INCLUDING my talents, especially so, as long as I have them. I feel COMPELLED to write music & tell good stories & create beautiful art... do I? God, help me to discern Your Will for me AND those "alleged" talents! Please, help me to shine FOR YOU in my unique way.

BLESSINGS...

+ The ones I don't recognize or even acknowledge as blessings: mostly treatment, being ABLE to suffer in direct penitence for past sins. being able to safely regain weight in a controlled MEDICAL environment where they KNOW what they're doing. being able to take showers & learn better self-care. being able to sleep regularly. the opportunities to learn healthy mindsets & skills, coping methods & ways of managing stress. learning about nutrition & the body & food as medicine. being "MEDICALLY STABLE." staff that genuinely cares. fellow patients who inspire & encourage me. the opportunity to learn how to EAT NORMALLY and to daily PRACTICE it in a safe environment. ...the fact that I've gained weight & have a very BIG body now. I don't know how the heck that's a blessing but GOD HAS ALLOWED IT so it MUST be. somehow. but He knows. and I MUST TRUST THAT. if I do, if I give it ALL to Him, He CAN and WILL use even the WORST PAIN & SUFFERING TO BLESS ME, in HIS WAY, for the ultimate good of my SOUL.

prismaticbleed: (angel)

You only have to ask to receive God's Wisdom.
How can you gain wisdom? Where do you need insight?


Wisdom can ONLY be gained FROM GOD, because its source IS GOD. The fallen world, and the fallen nature of natural man, CANNOT BE WISE, no matter how hard they try to pick everything apart to "intelligently" label it. Fallen "wisdom" can kill the soul! To be TRULY wise, we MUST "become foolish in the eyes of the world," and rely ONLY on the Wisdom of God, revealed in Scripture & the Magisterium, and strengthened by sincere & frequent prayer. I need wisdom every moment, to make choices that honor God! I need Wisdom to discern what matters to HIM, what affects eternity; what is LOVING.

PRAYER REQUESTS...

+ To not resist/ fight/ despair/ dissociate/ etc. this process of weight recovery, ESPECIALLY in how it keeps emphasizing "natural femininity" & its characteristics. I'm legit terrified; I DON'T WANT IT, and didn't want it in my youth, either. The very thought of being "womanly" has me suicidal. And I don't know how to cope. I DO know that I probably WILL relapse into restrictive behaviors & maybe even hyperexercise, if upon my return home, the "reality" of the body changes are too traumatic & unbearable. But I STILL DON'T WANT TO OFFEND GOD. I'm just equally terrified that He "will force me to live like that," in a way that clashes catastrophically with EVERYTHING I can feel & say about my self. Is that the point? Does He WANT me to sacrifice "myself" and "learn how to be a woman instead"?? I have NO wisdom here at all. I must pray for it as I pray about this fear, and I must CAREFULLY LISTEN & DISCERN His Voice, then WRITE IT DOWN. I must ALSO turn to Scripture, where WISDOM SPEAKS, and write down what it says & teaches me, too. God, I trust You. Please help me.

prismaticbleed: (shatter)



BULIMIA WORKBOOK
~101122+


List the characteristics of bulimia that you notice in yourself.

+ Terrified to eat at ALL-- even one bite threatened to throw me into an uncontrollable devouring monster
+ ALWAYS purged my meals. Never sat downn; felt “lazy.” Used to treadmill/run for 2+ solid hours a DAY
+ Bingeing/purging was my MAIN and possibly ONLY effective way to deal with PTSD; it WAS sedating/dissociative
+ I ALWAYS ate in secret, and used to hoard/ pilfer/ steal foods to binge on, even “against my will.” Food itself was shameful.
+ When NOT bingeing, I would hyperrestrict (fasting up to 20 hours) and was hyperavoidant (ONLY eating the same 3 or 4 foods).
+ I was obsessed with weight loss & thinness. I could not rest unless my weight was LOWER than it was in the morning, down to decimals even.
+ Often binges happened TO destroy food/ empty my kitchen, so “now I’ll be safe”; yo-yo between hating to eat, and being addicted to it.

Physical symptoms of bulimia:

+ DEPRESSION: “abnormal eating and malnutrition may have STARTED the depression!!”
+ I experienced irritability to the point of RAGE. It was uncontrollable.
+ I experienced debilitating problems with concentration & thinking clearly. This RUINED me; I never imagined it was an EFFECT of bulimia!
+ I experienced torturous compulsivity. This was MY DAILY HELL. The thoughts were nonstop, and against my will, driving me to “excessive and even senseless” extremes of behavior-- but if I DIDN’T do that behavior, the anxiety and distress would become so intolerable it would feel as if I was dying, like my brain was on fire and screaming. Common compulsions centered around “I MUST eat/ buy/ try this,” with no explanation other than “I HAVE to/ THEY SAID I have to”, “MUST do things in SPECIFIC patterns/ orders/ amounts, etc.”, etc. I cannot possibly put into words how irresistible the screaming compulsivity was. I DID NOT WANT TO DO THESE THINGS; I HAD TO. There is a HUGE and awful difference. These compulsions DROVE THE BINGES. I literally felt helpless to resist, “OR ELSE”…!!!
+ If I WASN’T restricting, I was DOOMED to binge??? It felt like there were ONLY TWO OPTIONS.

How has bulimia effected you psychologically?

+ NONSTOP, SCREAMING, COMPULSIVE/REPETITIVE THOUGHTS (VOICES!!! = “ORDERS”)
+ Obsessive behaviors with food; e.g. counting, eating in certain order, “right/wrong” panic
+ Irritable at the slightest “imperfection”/ discomfort/ inconvenience/ interruption; EXPLOSIVE anger
+ Prone to WILD mood swings, ONLY EXTREMES; mania, rage, despair, etc. “All or NOTHING”
+ Could NOT concentrate or focus; nothing ever “registered” and I could barely form coherent thoughts
+ DESPAIRING depression; lost ALL interest & joy in everything. Lost hope for future; even rejected past happiness.
+ SUFFOCATING ANXIETY that quickly spiked into PANIC. Always a feeling of “impending doom” & disaster.
+ Crippling shame & guilt;
moral panic/ despair when I couldn’t just “stop.” Destroyed my spiritual stability.
+ Unable to handle stress without resorting to behaviors; catastrophized everything. Overwhelmed constantly; E.D. numbed this.

How has bulimia effected your behavior?

+ In ~2015-2019, I began to steal money from family members & “cheat” prices on store items. I would steal food from my family’s rooms, desks, & cars; I would eat EVERYTHING in the dridge & cupboards & shelves. ALL of it was done in spy-like secrecy; I woud obsess & panic over it for hours/days, waiting for the “right moment” & HINGEING my mental health on it. I “needed” to binge, like an addict. I had tunnel vision around enabling it.
+ I lied ABOUT the stealing & eating; typically when pointedly asked “what happened to ____?” OR, “how did you spend all that money?” etc. I was so ashamed/guilty AND IN DENIAL that I essentially COULDN’T be honest about it.
+ Began to “flirt with” alcohol/ drugs/ sexual abuse in 2018-2019. Thank God that never took root.

How has bulimia effected you socially?

+ I did not ever want to be around other people. I would rather binge and purge than do anything else, when it came down to it. I couldn’t imagine my life being anything else by that point. Everything revolved around it. I hated even leaving the house because I’d spend the entire time trying to “plan” or “figure out” how/what I was going to binge/purge when I got home-- and in social situations that involved food, it was a living hell, because unless I had unlimited and instant access to a bathroom I would honestly be CONVINCED that I was DYING. It was impossible to interact with me as a human being, because I had no sense of self-- or arguably humanity-- left; all I had was my disorder, which was killing me every day. Therefore I avoided ALL SOCIALIZATION; I couldn’t resist any temptations to binge/ couldn’t stop thinking about the next binge/ had NOTHING in my life to discuss or disclose BUT the disorder & related trauma.
+ I appeared very extroverted and friendly on the outside, but it was completely fabricated and artificial. All my “relationships” were equally hollow and superficial. All I cared about was this damned disorder, jail though it was. Deep down I had NO self-esteem or self-worth at ALL, and I depended entirely on others to survive, because on my own I knew I was dead in the water. Furthermore, I acted “hyper-friendly” to MASK my shame and guilt ABOUT the bulimia; this backfired horribly as I never intended/ wanted to talk or socialize to begin with; I ESPECIALLY didn’t want ANYONE talking to/ looking for ME!! I wanted to hide & binge & not exist. Again, despite this I was also hyperdependent; that “loss of self” both prevented binges (when I stopped caring about myself, I’d STOP EATING) AND perpetuated them (when I inevitably DID have to “be alone with myself,” I couldn’t stand myself & would binge to numb).
+ Eating at home, even as a child, was frequently a distressing experience. There was constant fighting and arguing at the table, punishment related to food-- either force-feeding or withholding food-- and getting sick from meals was not uncommon. We were typically pointedly watched as we ate, being commented on and critiqued, as if we were performing for them, which was deeply disturbing and felt viscerally invasive. As we grew older our mother would admit to sneaking our claimed allergens into our food to “see if we were making it up or not.” Mom also sexualized food a lot, which scarred us as a child. Sometimes grandpa or the boys would have temper tantrums that involved throwing or destroying food, which effectively synonymized the meal itself with their violent anger.
+ I NEVER ate at school, from 2004-2013. The very thought of eating around other people, especially in unfamiliar crowds, was genuinely traumatic and rape-analogous. I remember how intolerable the first years of high school were, when we would avoid the cafeteria like the plague, often to the point of sobbing from sheer terror over the teachers trying to get us to “sit down with us and eat something!”
+ Bulimia is EXPENSIVE. This aspect of it was HELL. I was ALWAYS broke & begging for money. I’d spend ~$20 a DAY buying binge foods. I was ALWAYS broke, and typically could not pay my bills or afford basic expenses. I spent all my savings, and was constantly pilfering other people’s funds, or borrowing money I could never pay back. I outright STOLE so much money I honestly should have been jailed. At the lowest point I relied on charitable donations from pitying strangers, my haggard thinness ironically financing my addiction. Even so, I lied to their faces-- I never admitted my addiction. I am so tragically guilty of financial sin concerning this disorder; I was so desperate, it blinded me to all moral sense & respect. I “NEEDED” money for my addiction, like a druggie.
I could not reason concerning right or wrong; all that mattered was getting my next fix.

List some ways that psychosocial factors have influenced your bulimia.

+ I was constantly unhappy with my body, due to gender dysphoria & sexuality trauma. The weight was one of the most obvious factors affecting my daily reminders of/ risk of this, and the only one I had ANY control over.
+ I was constantly objectified as a child; this continued into adulthood-- albeit LESS so, directly! I was always praised for being “thin” & “pretty,” OR “shaped nicely” & “attractive.” AS A CHILD. I was valued for “desirability” & “beauty,” emphasized by my mother pushing me into pageantry & modeling, and treating me like a dress-up toy at home. Adult abusive relationships also put strong focus on my looks.
+ Family & media prejudice against “fatness” was burned into my brain; my mother & grandmother emphasized this aggressively. My grandfather was very fat & CONSTANTLY ridiculed/ shamed/ dehumanized for it, notably by my grandmother; he was called “lazy/ gross/ piggish/ shameful/ etc.” almost on a daily basis for it. My mother always berated/ insulted/ mocked both “obese patients” at work AND her own body shape; she always “had to lose weight” & called herself “ugly” or “disgusting,” specifically pointing out what parts of her body elicited this and why. Grandma was stick thin; mom used to be, and she was always showing off her photos and old outfits to me, boasting at how small she was, and commenting that I wasn’t quite that thin, it’s “too bad you won’t fit into this, it’s so pretty,” etc., at length implying that I was “too fat to be pretty” & therefire I was inherently unlikeable. I internalized all this very early; I was “disgusted” with normal female body shapes even in my youth (although trauma did play heavily into this too).
+ Daily life/ abuse became inescapably awful & isolating; trapped in kitchens, I quickly learned to binge to cope

How has bulimia affected your health?

+ Chronic stomach upset. Ironically this made me even MORE afraid to eat; I thought the FOOD was “damaging me”, even to the point of being convinced I was lethally allergic to MOST FOODS.
+ My teeth are SHOT, from both stress-brushing & purging, not to mention the hard crunching I’d favor in foods, especially in the early days-- in high school, my END GOAL of a binge was for my mouth to be bleeding from the violence of eating.
+ Constant dehydration. I actually PURSUED this as it “made me even lighter”; water weight was STILL WEIGHT.
+ Electrolyte imbalances were inevitable. Hospital visits for this were frequent. I quickly learned to “self-medicate” with a deft mix of electrolyte powders, salt, vitamin pills, glucose tablets, pedialyte, & powerade, imitating what I was given in the ER as best I could.
+ I was TERRIFIED of a possible stomach rupture and thought about it almost daily.

What medical problems have you had as a result of your bulimia?

+ Gums pushed back from teeth, exposing roots: “violent toothbrushing” was another anxiety/ self-soothing behavior, and became obsessive (HAD to brush when stressed/ every time ANY “taste” was in my mouth). Teeth began to darken & become more sensitive/ prone to cavities/ damaged within the past year? Unsure why. Nevertheless, my teeth were always doomed to suffer, at least nutritionally, from the restriction & purging both.
+ I was chronically dehydrated, & my hyperlimited diet-- plus broccoli/zucchini/EVOO binges-- gave me chronic diarrhea, which only worsened the problem. I frequently had to go to the ER for nosediving potassium/ chloride/ sodium/ magnesium levels.
+ My stomach & intestines were always in pain. When I wasn’t having liquid bowel movements, they wouldn’t want to move at all. I would have chronic intestinal spasms & cramps, sometimes so bad I couldn’t walk, let alone stand up.

LIST HOW
YOUR COMMON FOODS AFFECT THE WAY YOU FEEL:


OATS = heavy, overheated, panicky
PEPITAS = dirty, ashamed, anxious
CARROTS = hyper, hungry, obsessive
GRAPES = hyper, “poisoned,” fearful
AVOCADO = nervous, guilty, “punished”
BROCCOLI = content, happy, “nourished” (ugly word)
SPINACH = guilty, frightened, out of control
GREEN BEANS = shameful, “cheater,” guilty
CHICKEN SAUSAGE = scared, dirty, guilty


What was your weight like before you developed bulimia?

I was never that big, honestly-- my average was 115. It began to drop during high school; I hit 105 in 2012 (I still remember the exact moment I saw that number on the scale, and the scared yet giddy euphoria I felt), and that’s when the bulimia started in earnest (from what I remember). By 2016 I was ~87. I went up to 120 in recovery in 2017, fell to 100 by 2018, and in 2022 I hit 84 at my lowest point. As of 101322 I’m at 102 in recovery.

How did you feel?

I was miserable with my pre-disorder weight until I started to lose it, even when it was stable-- I tried to ignore both it & my body, but when I couldn’t, it was intolerable. I desperately wanted to “reverse” ALL the changes of puberty. Once weight loss began to “achieve” this, my mood would briefly be euphoric, before falling again at the thought of how much could NOT chance (at least, not easily) with weight loss.

What has it been like for you since the onset of bulimia?

Hell, honestly. As a living creature, I HAVE to eat, like it or not, to maintain healthy life. So seeing food in such a negative way-- NOT as nourishment, but as PURE “WEIGHT”-- was a daily torture.
Even WORSE was how TRAPPED I felt in “an abuser’s body,” a terror that made me reject ALL “invasion & violation,” AND femininity, BOTH of which I associated powerfully with food & the very act of eating. Bulimia was my only outlet for the violent, self-annihilating rage I felt on a daily, even hourly basis.
Even so it was hell. It became an addiction, something “I couldn’t lose” when all other things were stolen or mangled beyond repair-- something “protective,” an “emergency exit” when I felt threatened by those percieved invaders that would devour the last shreds of my identity. Ironically, over time, it did that very thing. It swallowed up ALL my thoughts, time, money, & efforts. It wrecked my family relationships and destroyed friendships. It rendered me incapable of living a normal life, incapable of taking care of myself, and unwilling to live. Thank GOD I am in this recovery program now-- by myself, I was 18 years dead.

What do you think should be an ideal weight for you and why?

Honestly, if I knew that weight included a fair amount of MUSCLE, I’d be cool with 115, at the MOST. But to be totally honest, it ALL depends on how I FEEL & LOOK. The number is secondary. If my body FEELS loose & flabby, even IF I’m underweight, it’s terrifying. I want to be fit & streamlined & strong, not “ugly” words like “thin” & “slim” & “slender.” That’s gross. I DON’T want to be a waif or a skeleton. I DON’T want to be “petite” or “lanky” or “lean,” even. All those words make me nauseous. I want to be STRONG & HEALTHY. I want to be buff without being hefty. And I DO NOT want to look like a girl!! That’s just being honest. But yeah, 115 is cool right now, 110 better for my current state. I need to ease into it, and TONE IT UP SON!!!


Write a paragraph about what it was like for you to come into the hospital listing both the positive and negative aspects of this experience for you.

POSITIVE:
+ No meal preparation/ buying/ planning
+ No obsessing over “what to eat”; no trust in own choices
+ Solidly structured day
+ Predictable routine of meals (minor variations)
+ Lots of workbooks to focus on
+ No access/ ability to overeat
+ No access/ abiltiy to binge
+ No restriction because “eating will make them happy/ proud of me”
+ TRUST in facing fear foods “since THEY gave it to me”
+ Lots of education


NEGATIVE:
- Lots of sugar in diet
- Obligatory social conversation
- Unavoidable exposure to media/ music that disturbs me
- “No control” over body shape or sickness
- Body getting bigger & “padded”
- Lots of pain & discomfort
- Trauma flashbacks & panic attacks
- No longer recognize own body
- Cannot exercise
- Cannot go outside (at first)
- MUST learn to sit with anxiety & discomfort
- Sleep schedule/ soundness disturbed
- Become DEPENDENT on hospital for “recovery”


Some personality characteristics can predispose people to turn to bingeing as a means of coping. Do you recognize any of these in yourself? If so, which ones?

Admittedly-- and with great humiliation-- ALL of them, both now & in the past.
1. “The Pleasure Eater”, using food as a comfort mechanism or stimulant = when “bored” by isolation (for WEEKS) and plagued by anxiety & depression-- AND often the lack of accessible healthy options-- I would combat the “emptiness” by shopping & eating, “just to feel something loud enough to get through the numbness/ have a consistent & practical job to do.” Eating WAS indeed the “solution”-- I never dealt with the root causes of my negative emotions. But in a way this behavior WAS A SURVIVAL MECHANISM during trauma situations (“solitary confinement”), so that “comfort” was ALL I HAD.
2. “Entitlement,” feeling deprived and using food as a tranquilizer for anxiety = I felt so deprived of LOVE; many basic needs were unmet/ hindered: water & clothes were tricky to manage, shelter was a dirty crowded mess/ isolatory, finances were limited/ controlled. I “simulated abundance” by bingeing; it temporarily fooled me, but ultimately made the “lack” so much worse-- after a binge, I’d be even more anxious, frightened, alone, poor, & deprived than any other time.
3. “Natural flaw thinking,” feeling incapable of managing eating urges = I did believe that I’d inevitably
fail/ relapse, feeling helpless/ powerless against my compulsions & urges to binge. When in crisis, and/or “beating myself up,” I’d flat-out “give in/ give up” and purge/ restrict/ binge as SELF-ABUSE. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy; I felt “too broken/ bad/ stupid/ etc. to be healthy,” damning myself to the disorder.

List below the potential problems you may have with hospital rules.

+ Some problems with “recreation therapy” & “art” groups; these can be VERY depressing & anxiety-inducing, even triggering! They can also be hypersocial/ “new-agey” which makes me notably distressed & can trigger flashbacks. I would rather NOT make art if that’s OK? “Art” is VERY trauma-mangled for me currently, & in general it is INTENSELY PERSONAL for me; “doing art” in PUBLIC feels like violation/ voyeurism.
+ At first “no purge” was tough, ESPECIALLY when suffering pain & FULLNESS after meals
+ I also had to overcome my “passive-aggressive” tendency of NOT expressing my needs & expecting others to be able to “guess”/ “read the mood”. I’m actively overcoming this.


A NOTE:
+ Bulimia has historically been my ONLY “coping skill,” so when it is removed, ALL the stuff I was using it to muffle/suppress WILL manifest at last!!! Without different, healthy coping skills to manage this, recovery will be EXTREMELY DISTRESSING & potentially impossible, due to trauma upheaval.

What fears fo you have when you think of giving up your bulimia?

+ I fear the reason why it started: the old trauma, emotional distress, identity loss, & despair for the future that I always ran away from, unwilling to face/ admit/ accept their reality in my psyche. I naturally want to puke when I’m anxious & overwhelmed & even angry; my stomach just knots up & spasms, and my emotions “instinctively” want to “get the poison out”/ “purge out the pain”, which physically translates to a desperate “need” to be empty/ safe/ clean again, characterized by vomiting. That would happen with or without food. But, as for the bingeing, that began as “eating myself into oblivion” during high school, a desperate & covert way to “force total dissociation” from intolerable stress/ fear/ sorrow and hopelessness/ helplessness. I HAD NO “SAFE SPACES”, no coping skills, no support system, and no way to even process the ABUSE I was suffering at that time as well. In that situation, with nowhere to go & nowhere to turn to, with no “escape” or refuge available to me, childhood comfort/ survival instinct kicked in, & I turned to food to “meet those needs.” But I had SO MUCH PAIN, and such a gutted sense of self from the trauma, that no amount of food could EVER fill that abyss. I began to binge, solely to dissociate for HOURS, and subtly self-destruct, perhaps even an unconscious “venting” of distress violent urges through all the biting/ chewing-- AND EXPLICITLY A TRAUMA RESPONSE with the SPITTING, which er turned to vomiting, when my hunger got so bad I started actually consuming things. But it felt like POISON, like APE, es ecially after SLC, and I LITERALLY BELIEVED that I WAS “vomiting out all the trauma stored in my stomach fat”; a belief rooted in the psychosomatic horror of feeling/ hearing “yellow screaming” when I would touch the bulk of my abdomen, and reinforced by the fact that those screaming emotions DID decrease in intensity & volume as I lost weight.
The bulimia became a nightly hell, and-- as life became more stressful & isolatory, & I lost my main methods of self-abuse??-- eventually escalated to devour my entire life. Paradoxically, although it WAS hell, it was less of a hell than what I was using it to run away from. I clung to it like an addict, because it was STILL “numbing” all the conscious awareness of trauma & crisis IN my daily life. When I TRIED to stop, I suddenly HAD to face those harrowing truths & emotional turmoil, and I had NO IDEA HOW, let alone any means or skills to, BESIDES the bulimia/ anorexia. So I could never “quit,” because the alternative was intolerable. As sick as it sounds, the bingeing/ purging DID “keep me alive” in those situations where I otherwise would’ve been more directly suicidal. Nevertheless it WAS still killing me in its own way. Even now, I “fear” “giving it up” SOLELY because it WAS a “survival mechanism” for so long. The STARVING is something I WILL admittedly “MISS” in a way--
I associated that feeling of hunger & emptiness with COURAGE & DISCIPLINE & PURITY & SACRIFICE. Eating felt dirty in contrast. But… that starvation was ALSO a desperate attempt to “deny & suppress” my hunger IN PRINCIPLE, because deep down, part of me DID WANT TO EAT & even ENJOYED IT. And that was both TERRIFYING & UNACCEPTABLE because we saw “eating” as SYNONYMOUS WITH SEX. “Enjoyment” AND “desire” in general were “sexualized” to our abused brain. I fear that happening again-- the “feeling violated” and/or “feeling like a whore” when I CHOOSE to eat… and the purge response to being “forced” to eat in “violating” circumstances, such as in LOUD places or when FORCED to talk/ socialize. Without purging I feel raped. Restricting PREVENTS that, and overeating is almost a “FAWN” response… purging is delayed FIGHT. But… they’ve been my ONLY APPLICABLE COPING MECHAMISMS FOR “CONSUMPTION TRAUMA” and right now I have NO effective replacements. God I NEED OTHER SURVIVAL MECHANISMS. I NEED HEALTHY COPING SKILLS. Please help me.


In short:

YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR EMOTIONS (OR “LACK THEREOF”) IN ORDER TO PROPERLY MANAGE & RESPOND TO THEM!!

Emotions are MESSAGES that communicate some NEED, and that act to MOTIVATE us to ACT on that need!

If we DON’T ACKNOWLEDGE our emotions, DENY or IGNORE them, those “unmet needs” will GET WORSE AND SO WILL THE EMOTIONS; no matter HOW much you suppress them, they WILL EVENTUALLY EXPLODE. This inevitably has dire consequences.

Binges numbed & suppressed emotions; purges were the rejection of their awareness. Restriction attempted to BOTH deny and erase emotions, but only made them even stronger THROUGH avoidance AND starvation.

We need to stop trying to “turn off” or “crush” our emotions when they cry out. LISTEN TO THEM!! Don’t use food as a physiological weapon!!


What is bulimia to me?

 

It’s a living hell!! It’s a legit ADDICTION, trying to “numb” our minds to both inner & outer turmoil, and to prevent us FROM “living” when life is seen as intolerable. It is a replacement for suicide & a placeholder for chronic abuse. It is an obstacle between me & myself. It is an expression of despair. It is self-loathing yet wanting to feel worthy of care. It is fear; SO much fear, and resistance to “what is.”

What is it like to give up bulimia?

 

Freedom. There IS a “fear,” though, of our alleged “uncontrollability” and the loss of our “sedative” of binge/ purge cycles to “suppress” it. We’re afraid ofbeing “TOO free,” with no rigid rules & restrictions & escape mechanisms for “fatal mistakes.” We’re afraid of the “EMPTY VOID” of our life post-trauma & post-suicide-planning. We filled it with the disorder before; now we must face it.

What will be difficult about giving up bulimia?

 

Facing the reality of our life: lost hopes, awful trauma, trails of destruction, a damaged body & mind, a limited future, a limited present. We have to EXIST now; we HAVE to BE A PERSON, with a past & a personality, who others can reach. That IS SCARY, post-trauma. But we still have SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR. We must be brave, and start to.

What do I look forward to in giving it up?

 

Ideally? A return of our creativity, and of its prolific output. We’ll have the TIME & ABILITY to imagine things again. We want to re-learn how to draw & write music. We want to publish books & join an orchestra again. We want to be PART OF OUR BLOOD FAMILY AGAIN. We don’t want to be sinfully oppressed & ruled by food anymore. Being TRULY HUMAN is MORE than the body!!

What are my expectations upon completion of the COPE program?

 

I expect to have TOOLS & SKILLS to manage stress & overwhelming emotions; to better understand & apply proper nutrition & meal planning; to find & untangle the ROOTS of ALL our disordered behavior compulsions/ addictive tendencies BY clarifying our core beliefs & values, thought distortions, etc.; to develop a healthier body image; & to get my life back on track!!


Self-image notes:

 + I DON’T IDENTIFY WITH THE BODY. I AM NOT THIS BODY, (and never was) BUT the “bigger” it gets, the MORE I am smothered by it!! (at least, that’s how I feel.) It’s like the body has an “inherent” personality & attitude of its own, defined by size & shape & weight, and THAT “fake self” WILL “devour ME” if it gets too big/ heavy/ fat. It’s like I see the body as an abuser, that I “must suppress” via starvation in order to protect my SELF??



Notes on denial:

"Denial is a BUFFER against UNACCEPTABLE reality." = Just like dissociation & splitting; they ALL seem to often occur together?? (Because of TRAUMA!!!)

1) SIMPLE DENIAL = "saying something is not, when it is." DIFFERENT FROM RATIONALIZING!! That would say, "yes, I'm restricting, BUT THERE'S A GOOD REASON..."

2) MINIMIZING = "seeing only a 'little' problem." ALSO NOT RATIONALIZING!! You GENUINELY see it as THAT MINOR.

^ These two involve SKEWED DEFINITION that REDEFINE the COMMON FACTUAL REALITY?

3) HOSTILITY = "angry when problem is mentioned." IT'S ANGER AT OWN SELF and/or at the DENIED REALITY that is THROWN OUTWARDS!!

4) BLAMING = "denying responsibility for behavior, projecting it elsewhere." = NO SELF-CONTROL. This ALSO shows up subtly in asking "are YOU angry with ME?" "Am I in YOUR way?" etc. "Polite" questions that are masking an accusation, sometimes hidden to self.

5) RATIONALIZING = "offering alibis and excuses to justify behaviors." Terribly common with us: "I'm eating this much because that's what they had me do at COPE/ it's what the doctor told me I should do/ etc."

6) INTELLECTUALIZING = "avoiding emotional or personal awareness of the problem by dealing with it very generally or theoretically." I do this ALL THE TIME. It ERASES "SELF" FROM THE EQUATION.

7) DIVERSION = "changing the subject." Grandma/ mom did this JARRINGLY; they wouldn't even say "let's not talk about that;" they'd just CHANGE THE TOPIC ABRUPTLY. 


"Denial is the act of saying 'no,' a coping mechanism the mind uses against disturbing feelings & thoughts." = TRAUMA RELEVANCE = if I COULDN'T say "no" THEN, then I'll say it NOW, THROUGH DENIAL!!!
SAME WITH ADDICTION: if you feel UNABLE to say "no", but WANT to, THAT comes out through DENIAL, too!
"I didn't WANT it to happen/ I can't ACCEPT that it happened/ the REALITY is intolerable" = CAUSES DENIAL!!


How do you recognize your own denial, according to these examples?

1) SIMPLE DENIAL: "I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM"; "THERE ISN'T ANYTHING WRONG"; "I FEEL FINE"; "I DON'T MIND"; "I HAVE NO PREFERENCE"; etc. Instinctive "rejection" of an "unacceptable" or "shameful" TRUTH that I WILL NOT RECOGNIZE AS TRUE OR VALID. Typically happens when I'm scared, anxious, disturbed, triggered, etc., AND when MY wants/ needs/ thoughts are "in opposition" or "offensive" to someone else's. It's a way of trying to be HEALTHY & ACCEPTABLE & FLAWLESS by outright DENYING all struggle & flaws & selfish behavior. It's an attempt to ACTIVELY REWRITE my perspective. "I don't have any questions"; "It doesn't matter"; "I'm not worried about it"; etc.

2) MINIMIZING: "I just like things to be neat & organized & clean" = but FREAKING OUT if I don't have an EXACT even number of objects, if ONE crumb hits the floor, if I can't fit ALL the books into clear categories, etc. I couldn't see the CONTROL OBSESSION & PERFECTIONISM. Things had to be METICULOUS & CALCULATED. / + "I'm not that creative/ not very talented" = when I LITERALLY have ~60 ACTIVE IDEAS, hundreds of Moralimon, several music albums in the works, a growing portfolio, and probably THOUSANDS of journal pages. / "I only need to lose a little more weight" = when it's NEVER enough, and I want it to KEEP GETTING LOWER / "It wasn't that bad of a binge" = 6 hours and several salad bowls later...

3) BLAMING: Wanting someone to move/leave and asking, "Am I in your way?" or "Do you need me to move?" etc. ALSO putting "responsibility" for the E.D. on MOM & TBAS & MEL?? The key point was my CLAIMED INABILITY TO RESIST "their orders/ expectations/ examples"? Saying things like "mom is a foodie SO now I'm addicted to food," "I can't stop eating because I'm trying to make mom happy"; "I purged because TBAS made me so upset/ disturbed"; "Mel wouldn't let me eat so now I'm overcompensating"?? In general, phrases like: "her behavior MADE me so angry"; "I wouldn't have said that if SHE hadn't upset me so much"; "she MADE me overeat/ purge"; "it's HER fault I have a disorder"??

4) RATIONALIZING: "LEARNED" behavior?? "You'd better have a good reason/ excuse OR you're gonna get PHYSICALLY BEATEN" terror. Also MORAL PANIC over "uncontrollable sins/ addiction"; desperately trying to find a "LOOPHOLE" that will give me SOME HOPE "that I WASN'T damned already." Justification sought to GIVE SOME SENSE OF "CHOICE" & "REASON" to an impulsive/ compulsive irrational behavior? "Yes I binged BUT it's because I was too shaken up by trauma to cope AND I know PURGING "HELPS""; "Yes I'm restricting but it's SELF-MORTIFICATION"; "Yes I keep wasting money & time on binges BUT I "don't DESERVE" to have money or time"? "Yes I'm hurting myself with this but I WANT TO DIE ANYWAY." Ironically excuses are DESPERATE & FEEBLE; they're "grasped at" so they don't hold water.

5) INTELLECTUALIZING: This ALWAYS seems to happen when workbooks ask us to "write ABOUT the disorder," or "TO it." We have nousfoni DEDICATED to this, honestly, because it REQUIRES A 3RD PERSON PERSPECTIVE! So it's held at a DISTANCE. Treating nutrition as a "MATH PROBLEM", and recovery just as "actions to be performed"; REMOVING ALL EMOTION from the problems & processes; "learning" but never APPLYING. This form of denial DENIES AWARENESS when it's intolerable/ unacceptable? It's a FORM OF DEPERSONALIZATION. It STRONGLY PREVENTS RECOVERY because it MAKES "RECOVERY" AND "ILLNESS" IMPERSONAL. We CAN'T mourn or ache or fight OR hope or grow or understand IF WE KEEP REMOVING "SELF" FROM THE SITUATION!!

6) DIVERSION: I've done this in the past, when up the house & trying to "divert attention" away from what I was doing when I'd be looking for & pilfering food to binge on. To prevent interrogation I'd start talking FIRST about something tangentially related TO food, asking THEM random questions instead. This overlapped with rationalizing, because I'd also be giving invented "reasons" as to why/what I was doing with food. But even if mom hinted "I hope you kept that meal down...?" I'd NEVER directly reply, being unwilling to either lie OR admit; SO instead I'd comment ABOUT the meal, asking something "intensive" like "what spices did you add to that? I thought I tasted cinnamon" or "Did you use a recipe or did you invent that? Because I know how creative you are..." to DIVERT THEIR THOUGHTS to THEMSELVES!!

7) HOSTILITY: Unfortunately this appears to be my DEFAULT when confronted? It appears to be a VIOLENT "THROWING OUTWARDS" of the intense self-hatred & despair & frustration I feel ABOUT what I'm denying; being confronted "UNBURIES" it, and the ANGER is an UNJUSTIFIED RESPONSE to "FEELING ATTACKED/ THREATENED" by that confrontation-- it feel like a weapon wielded by their words. We want so badly TO deny & hide/run from it, BECAUSE it's scary & painful, that when we're "PREVENTED" from "being safe" in that shallow sense, we BITE BACK. It's a FEAR response, even moreso than anger-- but we CAN'T run, so we FIGHT. Still, the self-hatred is the SAME ROOT AS THIS-- feeling like our OWN "ineptitude/ weakness" is preventing recovery, and using hostility to ironically try to "REMOVE THE THREAT-OBSTACLE-OFFENDER" of ourself. It's doomed to fail.

There are five stages to the grieving process... think back to a time of grief/loss in your life, and describe your experience, identifying how you were in DENIAL (OF LOSS).

1) DENIAL STAGE: + With grandma: = still talking about her in present tense; buying/ doing things for her? Unconsciously, expecting to wake up with her in the OLD bedroom; having frequent dreams about her.
+ With SLC & CNC = "We were never really friends"; "I didn't actually want to go"; DISSOCIATING?
In general I "FORGET" the REALITY of WHAT "WAS" BEFORE THE LOSS. This is NOT CONSCIOUSLY DONE and is VERY DISTURBING. It's like, "if I didn't HAVE anything to lose, I MUST be fine!!" IT'S LETHAL.
ALSO: "I don't remember anything" when deep down I DID but COULD NOT ACCEPT IT AS REAL, BECAUSE IT WAS A LOSS!!! So yes I WAS in denial, yet I COULDN'T FUNCTION because subconsciously I WAS STILL GUTTED. 

2) ANGER STAGE: TURNED INWARDS? "If I hadn't moved out, she wouldn't have died"; "I shouldn't have gone to that damn emergency room"; "Why didn't I spend more time WITH her??" Angry at my STUPID SELFISH IGNORANCE. But... angry that she "left" WITHOUT "letting me say goodbye"?
+ CNC/SLC = "WHY DID THEY DO THAT TO ME" "DIDN'T THEY CARE" "COULDN'T THEY SEE I WAS SUFFERING" "WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT" "THEY TOOK ME AWAY FROM MY FAMILY" "THEY RUINED ME IRREPARABLY"

3) BARGAINING STAGE: "God please let me die so I can finally be with her again"; "I'll gladly give up everything I have if I can just go back to being a kid again"-- WITH HER AND UNABUSED!!!
+ BARGAINED WITH TBAS??? Twitter chat "I still think I love you somehow; please give me another chance; I know I was an ass; I'll be better next time" AND with Q when he met Mel?? "I'll do whatever you tell me to; just please let us stay friends; I'll change myself to your liking just don't leave" AND debating this with Mel too? But never acted on. "I'll do ANYTHING; please let me back into your life" EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T "WANT" TO!!!!!

4) DEPRESSION STAGE: With grandma = I gave in to the eating disorder. First week or two I felt UNBEARABLE GRIEF; then derealized & perpetuated that sense of "unconsciousness" through binge-purge self-destruction. Guilt was SO INTENSE I never stopped contemplating death & the eating disorder was a kind of slow suicide. I never wanted to wake up; I was numb & hollow.
+ With CNC/SLC = I haven't let myself truly mourn the trauma yet? I haven't been able to fully, directly admit WHAT I lost... let alone how.

5) ACCEPTANCE STAGE: I HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED THIS AT ALL YET.


Give an example of each of the four main ways people deny, identifying how you may be doing so presently.

1) REFUSE TO BELIEVE REALITY = Bodies are DESIGNED to NEED FOOD in PROPER AMOUNTS. I keep denying mine needs food at ALL (restricting), AND denying the PURPOSE of food AS NUTRITION (bingeing), NOT "garbage" or "unneccessary" or "prison" (purging)?

2) DENY/MINIMIZE GRAVITY OF LOSS = The eating disorder has taken over my life "but there wasn't any "life" to lose"; BECAUSE I ALSO keep denying HOW SHAKEN & WRECKED I STILL AM POST-TRAUMA!!! That loss was HUGE but I keep denying that??? "I'm just making a stupid fuss over nothing" NO DUDE, THAT WAS LEGIT TERRIFYING TO "LIVE" THROUGH.

3) DENYING ANY FEELINGS ABOUT THE LOSS = See previous answer. I'm NUMB, JUST TO SURVIVE. The feelings are THAT AWFUL.

4) MENTAL AVOIDANCE = I WON'T EVEN LOOK AT IT.


List five types of feelings a person in denial may experience.

1) ANGER; trapped in pain & feeling helpless
2) ANXIETY; haunted by unresolved distress
3) DEPRESSION; grief unprocessed & buried
4) NUMBNESS; you can't/ don't want to feel emotions
5) BEING "LOST"; you're cut off from reality and identity


List the evidence that you've heard substantiating/proving that you have an eating disorder.

+ BRADYCARDIA & HYPOTENSION. Drops to HIGH 30s when I try to sleep; it's TERRIFYING!
+ LEGIT OSTEOPOROSIS ONSET. Had a DEXA scan done & our bones are upsettingly porous
+ The state of my bank account & ALL THE RECEIPTS I'VE KEPT. That's PROOF of binge behavior.
+ LOW ELECTROLYTES & DEHYDRATION, almost chronically, from all the purging; MANY ER visits
+ People who saw my body thought I had cancer. THAT'S how APPARENTLY EMACIATED I was!!

Do you believe it?
If not, what would it take to convince you?

 
...It's still split. That's insane, but true. On one hand I KNOW my life is screwed up & wrecked by this behavior and I'm SICK OF BEING SICK and I don't EVER want to binge or purge EVER AGAIN.
...but. I STILL VERY MUCH WANT TO RESTRICT. I'm PLANNING to, even NOW, 6 WEEKS INTO TREATMENT!!! I just don't want to eat. I'm tired. It's exhausting & painful. And I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS "CHUNKY." If I can't turn myself into a TANK I'm probably gonna get desperate & go BACK towards being a TWIG.
As for convincing... well, right now a BIG part of me BELIEVES that eating minimally, by restricting BOTH intake & variety & time, is the VIRTUOUS IDEAL and If I DO that, I'LL BE "GOOD," or at least "NOT A GLUTTONOUS WHORE." ... Which is still a core fear as well.


On a scale of 0 to 5, how motivated are you to get well and follow treatment?

I'd say about 3.7. BUT I WANT TO BE A 5!!!


prismaticbleed: (Default)


post-breakfast//

Breakfast was mostly corrective/ instructive. The eggs were lovely-- INSTANT hose company memories w/ ketchup-- BUT we only grabbed ONE ketchup, and that "mistake" made us dissociate; we struggled to even taste the rest of the eggs. But I tried & prayed! They just have a VERY light taste, so it is actually normally tough to "grasp" when dealing w/ distractions. But the memory data IS solidifying, thank You God! Unfortunately our HUGE MISTAKE was the french toast. We started fine, BUT nerves caused us to lapse into bizarre behaviors, and we put creamer AND soymilk on the toast, EVEN though JESUS SAID DON'T!! BUT HERE'S THE TROUBLE-- we always wondered, "why don't we obey?" And TODAY, we realized-- when we're anxious/ disturbed by "mistakes," we GET LOST IN EMOTIONAL DISTRESS, and when that happens, THOUGHTS BECOME NOISE, AND UNRELIABLE!! So the emotional turmoil OVERRIDES "LOGIC" & REASON, because we CAN'T DISCERN EITHER PROPERLY in that state! Therefore, EVEN internal "don't do it!!" warnings are DISREGARDED, but UNWILLINGLY-- we SENSE the threat & danger & FEAR the choice/ action/ consequences, BUT DO IT ANYWAY because we're ALREADY SHAKEN/ SCARED AND "DESPAIRING"-- to us, even ONE mistake instantly PREVENTS SUCCESS & DOOMS US TO FAILURE, so "making MORE mistakes" not only feels INEVITABLE but almost OBLIGATORY?? Like the very concept of "NOT making that predicted, and therefore "GUARANTEED" mistake, is incomprehensible; our current "reality" has now been redefined AS "failure" so ALL actions "MUST" fit the bill?? To HAVE obeyed, and said "OK, I won't do that BECAUSE You're implying it would be unwise/ improper/ harmful," would actually have REQUIRED us to have been in a REASONABLE STATE OF MIND-- ONE THAT COULD HOPE FOR, AND BELIEVE IN, HEALTH & PEACE & WELLBEING! But we felt "DOOMED" to make further mistakes; "the first domino had fallen," so there was "no point" in picking one back up: the "whole thing" was wrecked; the WHOLE was TAINTED/ CORRUPTED by the single drop of poison. So we just... put the creamer on the toast anyway, BIZARRELY "hoping against hope" that the moisture would soften it & "soothe" us in the process? Which leads into our next three points: (1) "DISORDERED/ IMPROPER" BEHAVIOR ALWAYS ENDS BADLY!!! Yes, we DID have hope that it'd work well, and potentially it might have, but ON THE UNIT, SUCH "IMPROPER" USE OF CREAMER IS VERY MUCH DISOBEDIENT TO UNIT BEHAVIOR RULES!!! Which can be VERY hard for us to accept in certain situations like this, where the "added moisture" would potentially make a food MUCH easier AND/OR less disturbing to eat!! BUT THE GUILT IS CRUSHING. We know that "if we were CAUGHT," we would be UNBEARABLY ASHAMED & HUMILIATED, AND GUILTY OF REBELLIOUS BEHAVIOR! We ARE NOT an exception to the rules!! But oh man I've gotta admit we are STUBBORNLY TEMPTED to STILL dump creamers over the Saturday rice bowl, because THAT MADE IT PALATABLE last weekend when we WERE ACTIVELY STRUGGLING TO COPE WITH NEW TRAUMA, and the taste/ texture shift GENUINELY HELPED, both to chew it AND in making it "SOFT/SWEET" to, conceptually, soothe our crying frightened child of a mind deeply shaken. AND IT HELPED. So... we feel VERY torn, even if foolishly, between "creamer is ONLY to be put into coffee or tea," and 'I WANT to put creamer into the rice because AT HOME it would be both ALLOWED AND HELPFUL; besides, Indian recipes OFTEN add sweeter coconut milks & creams to their rice dishes!!" Still... at the absolute bitter core of it, the choice comes down to OBEY THE CONTEXTUAL RULES or BREAK THOSE RULES & SELF-INDULGE. "Do the RIGHT thing, EVEN if no one is looking." But GOD is ALWAYS looking; and HE KNOWS your TRUE motivation, beneath all the excuses & petty, vain "justifications": put bluntly, in this dilemma, my temptation is to prioritize pleasure over sacrifice. I want sweet rice, not savory rice, EVEN THOUGH THAT'S the kind GOD GAVE ME to eat!!! Who am I to brazenly insist on my own way, on special treatment??? I'm dust!! I'm a wretched worm!! I'm grumbling about taste & texture, complaining about the desert's limitations, EVEN THOUGH GOD IS MIRACULOUSLY FEEDING, PROTECTING, GUIDING, AND SAVING ME!! I'm blinding myself TO those blessed miracles by foolishly fixating on rice and coffee creamer. What an idiot I'm being. God forgive me. Boy oh boy I am being VERY LOVINGLY CHASTISED today!!! I'm SORELY humbled, but I'm regaining my sight down here, sheltered from the hot air of pride, here in the SHADOW of God's protective wings. I couldn't even fit under them before, puffing myself up all proud & stiff-necked. But now... I'm like a feeble baby bird. I've realized my own wings aren't developed yet, and I'm too uneducated AND weak to fly yet. Honestly I'm happier here, close to God, contrite for having been so silly & trying to do things on my own, not having ANY right judgment on my own, getting scorched & sick, humiliated & ashamed. But God still welcomes me back with open arms & a smile when I return to Him with a humbled heart. Obedience is best, and WISE, for the LIFE of both my body & soul. And it is ONLY through WILLINGLY CHOOSING to both make AND endure little "deaths" of self-sacrifice & mortification-- tiny Crosses, splinters of His Own-- that I can PARTICIPATE IN AND RECEIVE FORGIVENESS FOR MY DISOBEDIENCE, AND A NEW LIFE LIVED BOTH IN AND FOR HIM!! I can JOYFULLY OFFER UP MY LITTLE MORTIFICATIONS IN UNION WITH HIS, which is an INCOMPREHENSIBLE HONOR, allowing my pain & inconvenience & self-denial to be INFUSED WITH HOLY PURPOSE & POWER, as they are then MADE PART OF CHRIST'S REDEMPTIVE WORK! He ALLOWS AND ENCOURAGES US to "fill up what is lacking" in the Suffering of His Body, as it was then limited by time & space, but IN US, THE CHURCH, that SAME sacrifice of the Cross BECOMES TANGIBLY ETERNAL & OMNIPRESENT!!! How could I EVER disdain such an honor, such a blissful opportunity?? Choosing the SELF-DENIAL of NOT putting creamer in food, however "paltry" it may seem, is STILL a mortification of my own emotional compulsions, and WILL require a SOLID EFFORT OF WILL-- something ONLY POSSIBLE THROUGH GRACE!!! So PRAY for that Grace, AND for a heart humble, open, SOFT & SWEET enough TO BOTH RECEIVE & ACT ON THAT GRACE!!!
On that note, (2) FRENCH TOAST IS STILL TRIGGERING US?? Looking at what data we have, a BIG part of that IS the harder the texture this kind has, AND I THINK I KNOW WHY-- because AT HOME, as a child, "SAFE" french toast would either be on ROUND ITALIAN BREAD or FLUFFY TEXAS TOAST... and both would ALWAYS be SOFT & WET from the steam and the butter! The ONLY TIMES we EVER had "regular sliced bread" french toast were IN NORTH CAROLINA, AND DURING BINGES-- and yes, in BOTH cases, THEY WERE HARD. So THAT explains WHY our poor bedraggled brain FAVORED EMOTION OVER OBEDIENCE and "wet" the toast; IT WAS TRYING TO PREVENT THAT TRAUMA RESPONSE, and instead REMEMBER CHILDHOOD COMFORTS. There was just ONE seemingly insignificant factor we overlooked, never guessing how HUGE it actually was... (3) TASTE MATTERS. This one BLINDSIDED us. We SOMEHOW overlooked the ADDITIONAL childhood-memory fact that we ALWAYS had POWDERED SUGAR on our hyperbuttered french toast... NEVER SYRUP!!! Now by itself that's just a distinction; BUT!! The INSTANT we put it on the breakfast today & TASTED it? SHEER PANIC. We did NOT expect that! But the ketchup "mistake" had made our mind vulnerable, so it's not surprising something distressing was now ABLE to surface. Syrup is a BINGE FOOD first & foremost, so that anxiety makes sense, BUT there were TWO MORE TRAUMA TRIGGERS??? First was the taste of syrup PLUS CINNAMON-- somehow that spiked the nerves? But the WORST was SYRUP + BUTTER-- we IMMEDIATELY got PANCAKE TERROR??? Like LEGIT TRAUMA-GRADE fear!!! The very THOUGHT of eating pancakes with syrup makes us ACTUALLY WANT TO VOMIT. And there is GOOD REASON why, judging by the FACTS that we've had MULTIPLE experiences where "pancakes" = oil fires, fire alarms, horrific burns/ spills, and FILTHY frying pans; PLUS typically pancakes would be THICK AS GLUE, bitter as baking soda, and DROWNING IN SYRUP. I CANNOT think of a SINGLE non-traumatic pancake incident; EVERY time we'd eat one, we would be TREMBLING, TERRIFIED, & IN TEARS. Notably, the ONLY "positive" pancake experience we've EVER had was in a DRAMATICALLY separate context: sneaking broken pieces off of COLD pancakes, saranwrapped in the refrigerator, as a guilty child-- and ONLY the chocolate chip kind!! Plain, blueberry, cranberry, raisin, AND banana kinds are ALL SCARY!!! HONESTLY I wonder if the ONLY REASON chocolate chip ones were "safe" is because we ate them AS COOKIES! We NEVER ate them with utensils, and they were ALWAYS cold and "stiff"-- NOT warm or wet or soft! Those qualities are ESSENTIAL for french toast, but LETHAL for pancakes-- on that note, THAT may have set off the french toast panic?? Because THEY were dangerous WHEN COLD!! And the ones on today's plate WERE-- cold, hard, & dry! STILL, on their own, they NEVER gave the SHEER AMOUNT OF FEAR & DREAD that the syrup did today. That has me so confused, because it is EXACERBATED by being paired with not just butter, but ALSO the cinnamon, and maybe nutmeg? But specifically the "french toast" taste! Why so?? Is it just too close of a pancake analog, that tasting syrup ON french toast is "wrong"?? OR DID WE HAVE A BINGE TRAUMA WITH SYRUP ON FRENCH TOAST, TOO??? Would THAT do it? Because honestly I'm ALSO unsure on whether or not SYRUP on its own COUNTS as trauma food, because I DID taste some plain today, but... no immediate flashbacks??? Just "autumn = maple" associations. Which is BIZARRE, because even IMAGINING THE TASTE OF SYRUP MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE. But is that because MOST of my memories of it are AS IT IN A COMBINATION?? Like on pancakes, or in beans or something? And THAT is nauseating. But "just maple" isn't scary?? I DON'T "like" it; that I must admit, BUT geez WHY am I even scared of the WORD "MAPLE"?? It legit gives me the shakes!! Actually, HOW MUCH OF THAT IS "HARVEST FEAR"??? Consider that, BUT please ALSO consider that there is the tiniest bit of syrup still on my hands and WHENEVER I catch that scent, I INSTANTLY GET PANCAKE VISUALS!!! Like the two have become INEXTRICABLE in sensory memory?? And pancakes are LEGIT TERRIFYING... unless they are COLD with chocolate chips, haha. That is SO WEIRD, ESPECIALLY since CHOCOLATE ITSELF is a HUGE trauma food, arguably the WORST!! But context is powerful, and for SOME REASON, COLD CHOCOLATE CHIPS don't immediately register AS chocolate??? Partly the temp/ texture change, partly the bittersweet taste?? No clue. Gosh this is all so tangled. I'm only trying so hard to UNTANGLE it so that, by UNEARTHING/ REVEALING the roots, we CAN ease out those knots through patience & WISDOM gained through KNOWLEDGE & UNDERSTANDING, and in doing so, enable our soul & mind to HEAL & GROW AGAIN. I want to be free. But you CAN'T just "turn off" trauma; nor can it be suppressed, denied, belittled, or rejected without DISASTROUS CONSEQUENCES. Trauma, EVEN weirdass food trauma like this, is a REAL PSYCHOLOGICAL WOUND that REQUIRES CAREFUL, PATIENT, COMPASSIONATE HEALING, and that process is UNIQUE to every soul, as it inevitably corresponds to both HOW one was wounded, and BY WHAT. If I was somehow "wounded" by pancakes & syrup BEING PART OF A TRAUMA-- the food, in and of itself, IS AND WAS HARMLESS & INNOCENT-- then I MUST ACCEPT THAT trauma response AS REAL & LEGITIMATE BEFORE IT CAN BE HEALED!!!
On that note, again. Syrup DOES seem to turn my stomach, in and of itself! I think it's just the simple sugars? Perhaps-- but I cannot deny that the SHEER BRUTE FORCE of "pancake panic" that hit/ is hitting me is NOT easing the nausea, haha. So right now I can't objectively tell whether or not this sick feeling & urge to vomit is from the syrup in a physical way, or in an emotional way. Could be both! But I ALSO have both prayer & Mylanta to combat it, ahaha, so we're golden. Which is VERY GOOD TO KNOW because LUNCH IS DOUBLE CHOCOLATE! BUT!!! EVEN in that, I'm actually tearing up because GOD IS SO MERCIFUL & GENTLE WITH ME. I was PLANNING to tackle the chocolate milk at lunch, BUT God apparently decided that wouldn't be smart on top of this syrup stress, so He CHANGED it to a chocolate pudding (safest chocolate option!) and a chocolate SHAKE 'EM UP. So I have been granted REST from my efforts, WITHOUT removing my efforts!! THANK YOU GOD. ♥ Now I've gotta STOP & PRAY so that, by God's grace, I CAN meet that challenge!!
(One last note: we are HEARTBROKEN that we can't have "GRANDMA'S" vanilla pudding today. BUT. We lifted that up in prayerful surrender, wanting to heal & be courageous-- we COULDN'T enjoy "her" pudding if we KNEW we were "running away" TO do so-- and almost heard her say, "I already know you love me; the pudding won't change that, and you don't need to "prove it" that way. But you CAN prove your trust in God, AND your willingness to more fully love & forgive MY DAUGHTER-- by eating the chocolate pudding with JUST AS MUCH tenderness & gratitude today. Have faith in God's plan and surrender to His merciful Will; He allows this to teach you an even deeper, more complete love & trust, for the truest healing & salvation of your soul. Don't worry about me! I already love you, too. There's nothing to be sad about." So here we go!!




post-lunch//

+ The chocolate pudding DID taste JUST LIKE Mom's desserts! And the Shake 'em Up WASN'T SCARY AT ALL; I actually ENJOYED it, even though it tastes quite unique!! It's not bad at all-- and I'm HONESTLY learning, through all this courageous effort, that maybe... chocolate itself ISN'T BAD, either. What a thought. What a beautiful thought. That's... LIBERATING, to my very soul. Chocolate is an ANCIENT fear food, one I even HATED, and even damned as EVIL!! To be PROVING THAT WRONG is not only FREEING MY HEART from that horrible judgmental bias, but it's ALSO glorifying GOD-- proving that EVEN the WORST fears-- and sinners!!-- CAN BE REDEEMED!!!



post-snack//

It was a challenge night!! I tried BOTH the DORITOS & the CHOCOLATE SUNDAE! And, blessed be God, they were BOTH GOOD!! Admittedly, yes there WERE some little "tough spots," but they were SO minor it surprised me! The Doritos have a "corn chip" anxiety, very little, tied to old memories of stale/ dusty tortilla chips at the house, corn taco messes, and TBAS shaming us for eating THEIR chips/ us bingeing on corn tortillas at night. But God knows we want to LET THAT GO, AND FORGIVE. It's really ONLY possible through LOVE, and God ALSO knows we NEED HIS GRACE TO DO THAT-- we honestly want to love them, BUT the "LAST time" we loved them it nearly KILLED us-- they were ACTIVELY CORRUPTING OUR CONSCIENCE, and we were just nosediving into the eating disorder to cope with the trauma/ powerlessness/ isolation/ loss of self/ etc. We DID love them. Just, after all that terror, we're not sure HOW to STILL love them SAFELY, without damaging our soul again. GOD knows, though. Jesus knows better than ANYONE, EVER. We'll talk to Him in prayer about it. But yes! Thankfully, despite the shame/ anxiety "aura" that corn chips have, we DO like them, ultimately? And the nacho taste was actually kinda nice! AND we DIDN'T GET SICK OR DIRTY!!! Thank You God!!! ♥ So we're gonna try 'em again tomorrow-- WITH the ice cream, which tastes like BOTH childhood Valentine's day chocolate, AND how Hershey Park smells! So it's positive AND anxious. We'll work on visiting the memories & healing that anxiety, once we find its roots (probably social attention + park helplessness). God will help us. ♥ See you tomorrow!!

 


prismaticbleed: (shatter)


pre-breakfast//

Oh God I'm struggling so much. Let me please just pour my hurting heart out to You. no pretention.

I'M SO ANGRY & SCARED I DON'T WANT HER TO SIT NEXT TO BE I NEED TO BE ALONE!!!!!!!! IT HURTS I'M SO SCARED I'M SO SAD I'M HELPLESS TRAPPED MONITORED AGAIN
I WANT TO SCREAM AND CRY AND THROW uP. EVEN THOUgH bReAKFASt was Good AND NIcE we DIDN'T GET TO ENJOY IT (STUPID!!! SELFISH!! WHORE!!! STOP THINKING ABOUT ""ENJOYING"" EATING THAT'S A SLUT WANT) im sorry
but it's true we can't pull ourself together
we're SEVERELY tempted to VIOLENTLY SELF-SABOTAGE/ LASH OUT/ MELTDOWN SOLELY to "SCARE PEOPLE AWAY" SO WE CAN BE SAFE & ALONE!!!!!
We want to CRY I feel so dead & hopeless
I cAnt exisT ARouND OThER PEOPLE ITS EITHER US OR thEM
I WANT TO BE ALONE
ALONE ALONE!!!!
PLEASE!!!!
PLEASE
PLEASE JUST LET US EXIST TOO PLEASE.
WHEN OTHER PEOPLE GET THAT CLOSE, THAT INVASIVE, WE LOSE OUR SENSE OF SELF AND REALITY THERE ARE NO BOUNDARIES TO KEEP THEM OUT OR PROTECT US OR KEEP US SAFE IT IS (TO US) PSYCHOLOGICAL RAPE AND WE WILL DIE
I don't think I we can survive that again
no more
RUN. JUST RUN AWAY. WE CAN'T SURVIVE OR LIVE AT ALL LIKE THIS
but won't that make us a bad fake christian?
"obedience unto death" remember
yeah but there's no love in this terror-stricken, gritted-teeth "endurance"
and carrying ANY cross without love doesn't save us or anyone else, you HYPOCRITE.

God I dont know what to do
im such a coward.               im sorry







post-breakfast//

quick breakfast notes for the actual meal: we got a SURPRISE OMELET and we COMPLETELY ENJOYED IT this time! No trauma, no anxiety. Our only "obstacle" is expecting it to taste like traditional eggs, which it DOESN'T and actually ISN'T SUPPOSED TO! it's "eggy" more like a custard or something-- blended w/ milk, maybe, but mostly just LIGHT & AIRY. no heavy yolk taste or neutral white taste, NOR the savory note of scrambleds. an omelet is its own thing AND IF you acknowledge & respect that, it CANNOT "DISAPPOINT," and GOD WILLING it will ALSO prevent that ridiculous inexplicable "compulsive dislike" that IGNORES actual complete conscience data input & comprehension!!! When we DO truly feel & process the facts, guess what? We DO LIKE OMELETS. The ONLY remaining fear is from the August binges & feeling "compelled/ addicted." BUT if we SET THAT ASIDE, we honestly DO still enjoy them-- AND for some reason, in that basic state, they are POWERFULLY tied to DAD!! We should ask him about that.
+ Lemon yogurt has a LOT of sugar (15g) BUT it is another beloved reminder of grandma-- AND it was her brother's favorite, too.
+ Oatmeal is always perfect in its simplicity-- BUT it ALSO teaches a powerful spiritual lesson as such! We may be tempted to add sugar to it, BUT RESIST THAT, because its humility reminds us of CHRIST, Who came to us PLAIN, leaving the "sugar" of Divinity in HEAVEN, the TRUE sweetness... ADDING "WORLDLY" SUGAR like pomp & riches & power, is SINFUL. It is ONLY in that plainness that the DEEPER, GENTLE, INHERENT, REAL SWEETNESS CAN BE DISCERNED!! ONLY PURE & SIMPLE HEARTS CAN (TRULY!) SEE GOD, and this is a perfect "as above so below" reflection. God is hidden, yet apparent. We must be plain, too, to "taste" Him.
+ Thanks to John Pollock, RAISINS ARE NOW SAFE!!! AND POSITIVE??? We thought of Jesus & His Disciples eating them during their long travels on the road, teaching & spreading the Good News, and THEIR powerful innate sweetness took on that same meaning-- concentrated joy, life-giving strength, food saturated with light.



post-group//

โœณ "Recreation group" EMOTIONAL COLLAPSE. The previous page topic (+ an IMMEDIATELY following Treatment Team meeting in which we BLUNTLY, HONESTLY, & OPENLY discussed & disclosed that tumultuous situation AND its historical roots/ future consequences) had us severely compromised emotionally, and today they JUST SO HAPPENED to decide to do... breathing exercises & "meditations." WITH new age music. WHILE the acoustic guitar singer from YESTERDAY'S meltdown was loudly performing next door. And we just BROKE DOWN.
+ Q told us to "just breathe" and "it'll be okay" WHILE he was (unknowingly) traumatizing us?
+ TBAS trauma breathing, no details EVER
+ Jade & her schizophrenic new age beliefs about breathing = altered consciousness AND that terrifying "lust" breath-thing she would ALWAYS do
+ "Feeling" our own breathing TOO much when in danger & desperately trying to control it
+ Memories of "suffocating" & "cold lungs" with slow breathing, especially at night
+ when grandma was dying, her breathing got so bad
+ that awful new age music playing when i woke up and she wasnt breathing anymore

sobbed silently but inconsolably for 45 solid minutes. maybe more. SOAKED our mask, glasses, & clothes.
we lost too much. jade can die any day and we won't know. mom is getting so old, oh mom, she could be gone so fast. she pushes herself too hard. dad is getting so old and tired. his hair is all gray, we aren't even that close to him yet, its awful. i dont want this distance,
grandpa died in his sleep, we werent even in the same state, we got the phone call, he's gone, we couldnt even attend his funeral,
grandma. God we miss her so much. its unbearable. we MISS that week or two we got covid and had to sleep next to her, in bed all day sharing her pain. and the week after the hospital when we couldnt breathe and slept there too. she had the oxygen machine. sharing hurts.
i was such a bitch. coward from pain on easter. religious hypocrite. went to 5 masses and binge-puked from excruciating pain instead of STAYING WITH HER and sharing that last holiday of hope which I CRUSHED.
she ate her last meal that night and i wasnt there
i even threw up in hospice from pain & fear
while they had her so full of pain meds she couldnt wake up
did it even matter that i was there?
i was such a stone cold bitch
i was two dAYS LATE
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE IN THE AMBULANCE WITH HER
I WANTED TO BE
I

i was a coward
i lay alone in the ER and sobbed
i knew i was an irredeemable fool
a hypocrite
a
i
i abandoned her
i showed up two days late
i got too damn complacent
distracted reading on my fcking PHONE instead of just
looking at her
being with her
i fell asleep like a coward
too complacent
forgot to kiss her goodnight
when i woke up
she wasnt breathing
that damn new age music
im so sorry grandma
i love you
im so so sorry






post-lunch//

lunch was spaghetti & meatballs, broccoli/ cauliflower, parmesan, OJ & grape juice vanilla frozen yogurt. it was fitting, considering this morning-- grandpa's favorite meal, and what they served at grandma's funeral. VFW food. church community food. "comfort" yet "mourning" food. no trauma, just grief, and an odd consolation, "memento mori." they will eat this at my funeral, too.

+ too much salt & pepper on vegs. forgot how overpowering they are. upset. Jesus said forgive, its okay, we neeed the reminder. by it we're learning to love plain things more. it fits us. i like quieter things. no more loud yelling sharp spices or sauces. the spaghetti Actually HELPS because its SO neutral & mild, the sauce is grounded. the parmesan does similar, but horizontally-- fats "widen" tastes, spreading them out so they aren't sharp & piercing. it was nice. meatballs too. carbs "earth" things, protein ANCHORS. safe solid base. GOOD weight!! and water brightens & lightens things. like iscah said long ago, God paints a symphony with it, too.
+ BOTH OJ & grape juice make us remember drinking out of those PLASTIC CYLINDER CUPS, like the blue/ pink ones with the bubble pattern!! I FORGOT about them until now!! AND sitting at that little plastic picnic table in the kitchen, doing elementary homework. But OJ ALSO tastes like SUMMER-- specifically as a child-- while grape is SOLIDLY attached to early school/ family vibes. It's... deeply comforting, despite that ambient childhood anxiety, TO be remembering MY (!!) childhood, GENUINELY and REALLY, with this recovery process. I feel more whole, bit by bit.
+ The vanilla frozen yogurt is LESS "sharp sweet" than the ice cream? Leans blue, not yellow. Brief experience, but enjoyable. I look forward to the next.



post-dinner//

Intrusive, compulsive, HORRIBLY JUDGMENTAL/ SCOFFING/ ANGRY thoughts that I DO NOT WANT OR APPROVE tormented me the whole meal, in response to every trivia question & patient comment. Dude, that one girl ONLY boasts about her accolades and achievements-- AND her trials and traumas-- because she feels worthless despite it all and is DESPERATELY seeking validation, affirmation, recognition, admiration, compassion, etc. It's a constant cry of "Look at me! Look what I can do! Look at how I've suffered! SEE me!!" She must be aching inside, to be so fervently hyperdisclosing; I know because I DO THAT TOO, WHEN I FEEL WORTHLESS & ABANDONED. And I HATE myself for it-- so that horrible "inner voice" is ECHOING that appalling lack of mercy. It's horrifying to realize. THAT'S why Jesus said, "Love your neighbor AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF!!!" BOTH ARE MUTUALLY BOUND, AND YOU CAN'T DO EITHER WITHOUT LOVING GOD, FIRST!!
+ All that made us dissociate & not really fully experience the chicken. We DID pray & had some graciously lucid moments, but our memory was shot & inaccessible. We got SO upset AND angry; we shamefully & falsely "blamed" the talk "for distracting us," when really it was OUR OWN MIND yammering so cruelly. We're sincerely sorry. We focused on being gentle & forgiving EVERYONE, ourself too, then putting ALL of it in Jesus's trustworthy Hands. "Jesus, YOU know what's best for my soul. If You want me to remember the meal, please do. And help me let go of ALL bitterness & regret, & trust that You Can bring good even out of our mess at this meal." And HE DID. We had FULL memory data access! He is SO kind to us. Now, we just need to practice gentleness & mercy in that same memory experience, to ATONE/ do PENANCE in retrospect. Jesus will help us, by His grace. Just ask Him, and TRUST.

 


prismaticbleed: (shatter)


post-breakfast//

Breakfast was perfect; no scary/ trauma memory triggers AT ALL, save for some gentle flavor recollections (cream cheese & grandma, vinegar on HB egg reminder of EASTER ♥, bagel association with mom, apples & the woods outside). We GENUINELY enjoyed the entire meal. We also tried the mint green tea! Very mild taste, not overpowering. Refreshingly neutral as well; relieving.

APPLE)
We're deeply fond of them tbh; there's an inherent sweetness & purity & simplicity to them that we love-- but they are ALSO so wonderfully rich in variation, and are almost archetypal symbols of health, discernment, and gracious bounty. That last one hit home today-- our "autumn apple" HARVEST TIME fear beginning to transform: before the trees start to die, they give us SO MUCH fruit; it is created not only to propagate life for the tree, but ALSO to SPECIFICALLY nourish the creatures that EAT the fruit, AND to spread seeds in fertile ground (often THROUGH being eaten!) so that life can be PLANTED DESPITE DEATH, and TAKE ROOT DURING WINTER. I just find that concept-- that REALITY-- so beautiful. And it helps me genuinely love apples.
โ˜… The "stomach hurt" from the peel GOES AWAY; it's not debilitating! Cushion with the yogurt & tea, too!
โœณ A NOTE... our TRUE fear is NOT the apple, but the "HARVEST FAIR/ FESTIVAL" and seeing apples in orange/ brown bushels & YELLOW FIELDS!!! Dude it's the FIELDS that scare us-- hay bales & corn mazes & acres of grain. Just like "out west," that visual of DRY, HOT, FLAT, featureless YELLOW is EXISTENTIALLY TERRIFYING. Even driving by them on the road makes us feel TRAPPED, HELPLESS, ALONE, and WITHOUT HOPE OR A FUTURE. Yellow fields, ironically, signify DEATH & EMPTINESS, not harvest & plentifulness.

+ Apparently we LIKE the bagel with cream cheese, which is nice actually. The texture isn't scary at ALL, it's chewy & nice!
I think MANY, if not MOST, of our "food fears" have to do with MISUSE OF FOOD: distortion & binges. Eating things normally now ISN'T SCARY AT ALL!!

โœณ CINNAMON smell is ACTUALLY A TRIGGER-- the SAME "autumn terror is here" panic signal as APPLE CINNAMON!!! (+CLOVE?? that one ALSO carries TBAS trauma, sadly)



post-group//

โœณ "DIRT," EVEN WITH ART SUPPLIES, triggers CONTAMINATION PANIC. WHY???
(+REMEMBER: sxtrauma involved hands corrupted. we also had NO BATH ACCESS in CNC/SLC.)
(dirty clothes must have old trauma. carefully feel it out?)

+ Art/ music group = TRAUMA MELTDOWN. literally punching & biting self, screaming & sobbing in bathroom. COULDN'T COPE. guitar/ singing TERRIFYING. begging "shut up please, God why won't it stop, God I can't do this, I'm so afraid". hid in room, covered ears, cried. prayed & begged God for help.
+ also got treatment plan. they said I had a "fear of death." HUMILIATED & brokenhearted FURIOUS. what kind of a Christian AM I if I'm afraid of dying???? but look at me in every damn meal. I'm TERRIFIED of being poisoned or going into anaphylaxis, or having a heart attack from sugar shock or caffeine, etc. but that's because I'm TERRIFIED OF A DIS-GRACEFUL DEATH. dying from eating is a PIG'S death, a WHORE death. dying IN SIN. good girls don't die from food. if food kills me I go to hell FOREVER, and they'll make me eat EVEN MORE there. I AM afraid of that kind of death. but otherwise? IF I die in grace, by His Mercy I can go to GOD. FOREVER. and the eating is over forever. just God. and I want that so much. God please give me grace. I know I'm a wretched sinner but I need You or I WILL die, forever. save my life, for YOUR sake, please.




post-lunch//

+ pineapple SLC "trapped here alone forever" existential dread. overcome by association with Dad cruiseship & TIARA.
+ hamburger HEALED through last week's work. immediate mcdonald's childhood memory, HAPPY now. adding KETCHUP turns it into THORNHURST cookout memories with dad, also at his house, AND apartment cookouts. some "social acceptance/ rejection" nerves but otherwise, no fear. thank God. bread itself got a bit soft; so comforting. we needed that. thank You God.
+ steamed/ buttered vegs: carrots, either green beans or something like cucumber? (crisp peel, watery. pretty cool) & zucchini/ squash. INSTANT trauma trigger fear w/ TBAS. adding salt & pepper muted it, tasted nice too. BUT thanks be to God, the actual TASTE instantly made us think of MOM. ♥ not sure why, but it was HER we remembered, NOT any trauma associations!!
โ˜… chocolate milk. i literally thought i was going to die. it felt like being violated.
↑ cocoa is EXPLICITLY TIED TO ABUSE!!!!! it was like swallowing drain cleaner PLEASE dont do it again PLEASE
+ I honestly took one sip and put it down. The terror hit like a bullet. "I can't do this." RELIVING EXPLICIT ABUSE. took like ten minutes. STRONGLY considered leaving it. "self-respect," "don't betray conscience," "don't choose abuse." did NOT want to feel so WHORISH and USED. but. one single radical thought prevailed:
OBEDIENCE EVEN UNTO DEATH.
so we did. drank a bit more. almost vomited. whole body shook. put it back down. nearly gave up.

โœณ "do it for Jesus." He DIED for love of me. I can suffer this small death for love of Him.
poured the rest into the tea. drank it all. 100%. paid for it in blood.
body collapsed in nausea, terror, inability to cope. shook & rocked & trembled & dissociated for a solid hour. but survived. thanks be to God for staying with us. because He did.
we were on the cross after all.

โœณ we have GOT to heal cocoa/ chocolate in order to survive this. all we can think of currently is jade.
even writing that name makes us wants to cry & scream & vomit & die. cannot cope.

+ is there ANY positive association with cocoa or chocolate? it seems, our WHOLE LIFE, it's been terrifying.

โœณ by 4PM (4 hours later) our body feels FINE. a miracle. our mind was still profoundly disturbed, though... UNTIL we picked up our book about Jesus-- "The Master"-- and started to read. INSTANT PEACE, HOPE, & CONSOLATION, all wrapped up in Charity, despite our feeble exhaustion. we felt fresh life breathed into our soul.
thank You God. thank You God!! there is ALWAYS an end to evil. Christ HAS overcome the world!!!



post-dinner//

Dinner notes: OJ isn't scary, SUMMER is. remembering grandma gives peace. The potatoes are very plain so the herbs stand out nicely. salt & pepper ideal; ketchup ACTUALLY WORKS with these so 3 is fine! No associations. Sherbet is fine, just give it MORE TIME as it's COLD & hurts our teeth, also our stomach if we eat it too fast. It STILL needs to be "chewed." The most interesting bit was the SANDWICH. By itself, it's "affectionately neutral"? We like sandwiches as a CONCEPT, and cheese too, oddly yet admittedly, although provolone isn't our vibe AND it still has mild associated trauma echoes. Same with turkey. BUT we CAN detach from those through gratitude & forgiveness & RELEASING that into the past: "that event HAPPENED and ENDED. it CANNOT and DOES NOT affect the present." Logically at least! EMOTIONALLY, what we NEED are POSITIVE associations for both provolone & turkey lunchmeat that will OVERRIDE the negative echoes. So get/ find some! ON THAT NOTE. Our sandwich experience was SUPER INTERESTING & INFORMATIVE because Jesus gave us the GENIUS option to take our bites with sips of cranapple juice. That, by itself, is affectionately harmless-- it reminds us 100% of mom's "wassail." BUT WITH the sandwich, it tastes 100% LIKE THANKSGIVING. And at first, that was TERRIFYING. For unknown reasons that holiday has ALWAYS filled us with anxiety & dread; maybe because of the intense sensory overload/ agitated rushing of COOKING & PREPARING it?? THAT makes sense actually! And within the "harvest" context, ESPECIALLY with the aesthetic of decorations (scary colors, also pilgrim stuff) filling the kitchen, the overall tone of the DAY-- not just the dinner-- would be dreadful. We tried to heal the memory by imagining the WHOLE family eating together, HAPPY, at peace, PRAYING TOGETHER and SPECIFICALLY THANKING GOD for food & family. They ALSO told us, "you DON'T have to try everything at once, and you DON'T have to stuff yourself OR even finish your plate!" "The POINT of this huge meal is to SEE & be GRATEFUL for the sheer greatness of God's generosity; this bounty is MEANT to be put away & saved for later, for REST after harvest, and PROVISION despite the winter chill! Leftovers themselves are a huge blessing on this holiday!" That helped a LOT. But we still felt unsafe & "in trouble" & full of unease, even dread? Like nighttime-- which was falling outside as we ate in the original memories-- would be dangerous & scary, even full of fighting? AGAIN, I NOW THINK/ SENSE THAT FEAR IS ABOUT THE CLEANUP PROCESS, as mom & grandma would ALWAYS be sharp & touchy & cross & rushing & noisy then, and all the boys would just leave, not helping, just ignoring. No harmony, no more family closeness. HEAL THAT, PLEASE, MORE THAN ANYTHING. Deep down there IS true hope; when we just "let go" & taste that Thanksgiving flavor, we FEEL that deep love of family despite all anxiety. THAT LOVE WILL OVERCOME ANY FEARS; IT CANNOT BE CONQUERED. Hold on to it. Pray about it. God is Love, and He WILL heal us.



pre-snack//

To combat choice panic, we asked Mom what to get on the phone (by choosing a random color) and she said "yellow" so we're FINALLY tackling the potato chips. We're legit TERRIFIED. But they're grandpa's favorite, and Dad serves them at cookouts-- with the burgers we had for lunch! So it ties together. Be brave! Do it for them! With God's grace, do it with LOVE!!


post-snack//

POTATO CHIPS ARE NOT A FEAR FOOD??? They weren't even scary to LOOK at!! So ONLY their CONCEPT scared us-- that and the "grandpa's closet" guilt/ binge-choking terror. SO we talked with him about that, via TWO unhealthy food alters, who were forgiven AND fed, told they were loved, & cared for sincerely. "I'll never say no to you if you just ask me. I'd rather you eat if you're that hungry" etc. Girls WANTED to be good/ healthy. THEN Dad cookout; he gave us a bag AS A CS; active involvement in our recovery process with love! BUT the ACTUAL chip association memory? THE BEACH!!! Clear & joyful & sunny & GOOD YELLOW!!! That was an amazing surprise. THANKS JESUS

 


prismaticbleed: (Default)


post-breakfast//

Blueberry poptart, brown sugar, oatmeal, raisins, soymilk, 2 creamers, vanilla chai tea

โœณ Firstly, STOP RUNNING & HIDING AT THE "THREAT" OF HAVING TO LEAD GOALS GROUP. The core fear seems to actually be, surprisingly, of SPEAKING-- not in the general sense, but in a PERSONAL sense. We are REALLY AFRAID of speaking AS A "RESPONSIVE" VOICE; it's why we hate askboxes & chats & IMs. We can GIVE data, BUT we CANNOT safely RESPOND TO PERSONALLY-DIRECTED QUESTIONS, NOR can we safely OFFER personal thoughts/ opinions/ experience data/ etc. BECAUSE THEN WE ARE FORCED TO PRESENT/ EXIST AS A UNIFIED, PERCEIVABLE "SELF" and that is still DEEPLY JARRING & DISTURBING to us. No wonder people used to call us a "robot"; life would be "free of fear, dissonance, offense, & egotism" if we WERE a "robot"; tragically. ...We, shockingly, HAVEN'T given that a lot of thought, despite our (HISTORICAL) love of robots. God help us there is SO much healing to do outside of eating, too. But MOM can help SO MUCH with BOTH. She's our mother. She KNOWS "ME." All the past I forgot, SHE REMEMBERS. All the missing pieces I've lost or that have been taken from me, SHE ALSO RECOGNIZES AS LOST, and so can help us REPLACE/ REPAIR according to the true pattern in her heart. And she KEPT all our Asimov novels, haha! Case in point. "Likes & dislikes," with food AND otherwise, DO speak about the vibe of one's unique soul, and they ARE important-- AND THEY DON'T OFFEND GOD!!! For heaven's sakes, LOOK AT CREATION. God created SO MANY KINDS of birds & fish & BEETLES, like He DELIGHTS in variation & uniqueness-- the Spirit PLAYING in the kaleidoscopic joy of the Father's Art, the glorious Divine Imagination manifested through the Word of the Son!! So DON'T BE ASHAMED OF HAVING a personality, of having a unique existence, of having "likes & dislikes"-- they AREN'T MORAL JUDGMENTS!!!

+ Vanilla chai DIDN'T trigger any memories today, but without creamer it's vaguely Christmasy?? (spices) Home coziness.
+ Raisins are ALMOST SAFE! Practicing appreciating their truth = sun-dried grapes. Thinking of vineyards in the Holy Land. Appreciating their taste vibe: notably indigo/ navy? Sweetness hits Pink, undertone Amber? Super interesting & very clear. NOT scary to eat today, just anxious, especially AT the sugar kick. But it's LIFE in the desert, condensed to endure & support despite hardship!
+ Mixed the brown sugar in oatmeal ENTIRELY. Surprised that we seem to like it? But initial nerves muted input via dissociation. We'll try again. Oatmeal itself is perfect plain, but the brown sugar gives a MELLOW, WARM, gentle sweetness that perfectly complements that neutral-cozy base. God bless.
+ In the end, we actually LIKED the blueberry PopTart! It tastes, bittersweetly, just like pie filling. Immediate grandma memories. Plus the thing itself is a KID FOOD, which gives a HARMLESS & SOFTHEARTED base vibe to the whole gentle yet optimistically bright thing. Perfect for a Saturday morning, actually!



post-lunch//

Chicken on bun (lovely, just don't add salt OR KETCHUP to it!!)
Rosemary potato wedges (grandma style ♥ take time to chew. ketchup helps)
Vanilla ice cream (like it! cold & soft & sweet. fear anchored to "ICE CREAM" as concept)
Double juice (cranapple perfect. it's red! fond of grape now. POWERFUL childhood vibes)




post-dinner//

Orange Sherbet (boardwalk creamsicle/ grandma popsicle memory. shockingly NO negatives)
Quinoa bowl (took ~25m to eat!! hit us how disordered the ingredient-picking is, especially ONE piece at a time. rice takes a WHILE to properly chew! so be wary. needed MORE salt this time; discretion key. ACTUALLY enjoyed it, even beans! initial "ingratitude complaint" about "no meat." WHY. bizarre shameful rebellious AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS. assert the truth instead. we ARE grateful & trusting!!! Jesus guided us the whole time and our timing was therefore PERFECT, unbelievably so. we trusted despite all odds. THAT'S GRACE
Roll & butter (ate butter side FIRST this time! stale but SUPER NICE to chew still!)


โœณTWO PATIENTS HAD SOBBING MELTDOWNS. got SO empathy-sick that we ALMOST VOMITED & WANTED TO. felt total dread too; trapped, helpless. NO IDEA how to cope with that distress occurring around us; it's like we SWALLOW it & make it our own. SO confused; felt RESPONSIBLE TO HEAL IT



post-snack//

MINT TEA & blueberry poptart retry = actually SUPER comforting in texture, simplicity, & sweet. plus soothing soft indigo vibe, with white & brown accents. TEA WAS BEAUTIFUL ;_;

 


prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


post-breakfast//

+ hard morning; lingering filthy feeling & depression/ despair? after last night. STILL sick. exhausted in every sense.
+ hot shower. thank You God. talking about loss of consolation (worldly) in little things; no more mouthwash = no mint "cleanness" = feel even filthier. Knowing God only removed it so I can seek UNWAVERING consolation IN HIM regardless of any circumstance: a greater & better end goal. but the process, if resisted (even unconsciously, through fear & weakness & sorrow), is disturbing: you grasp at an old, "effective" coping mechanism but it's gone. So now, DESPITE the lingering terror & distress, your ONLY viable option is to surrender & turn ENTIRELY to God. and I'll be honest with Him, I can be a petulant child about it and I am grieved over that reality. my mouth tastes like a breakfast muffin because Jesus said to eat IT last, not the eggs, and I don't understand WHY, especially since the muffin/ bread aftertaste is "DIRTY" and low-key a trauma trigger (apple cinnamon). so it's fueling the misery, adding weight to this cross. oh God, please, help me carry it, with You; alone I will be crushed quickly and die. help me.
+ no "formal" morning prayer; couldn't focus on recitation due to distress & grief. INSTEAD, strongly moved to read Saint Bridget; dual account (herself & Mary) of the Passion of Jesus Christ. Wept my eyes out. It BROKE MY ENTIRE HEART. Oh my sweet Jesus, what horrors You willingly & meekly suffered for my sins!! Oh my dearest Mother, what inconsolable anguish you bore so faithfully with Him!! I can feel it resonating painfully deep in my heart even now, an immeasurable grief endured and even embraced only through charity. Strangely, blessedly, it also gives me comfort, against all sense-- knowing Christ bears my minuscule crosses with me, and all of mine are but splinters of His. Communion.
โ˜… A prayer card about that fell out of the book when I picked it up, like a calling card. "Splinters of the Cross." I cried. THERE, at last, is my consolation. Each little offering of every little pain is a blessed grace, a PARTICIPATION in that Work of Salvation, UNITED TO ITS PURPOSE AND POWER IN REALTIME. The Cross-- the crowning Work of Christ-- is eternally Real. Your negative thoughts AREN'T. There IS hope & healing, even IN AND THROUGH THE SUFFERING OF SIN.


post-breakfast meal data//

Fresh fruit cup (melons & pineapple), scrambled eggs, apple cinnamon muffin, soymilk, cinnamon tea, 2 creamer, 2 s&p, ketchup

FRUIT)
Real cut fruit! That's not scary. We LIKE honeydew actually ("moon melons"), and cantaloupe is neutral because of dear grandma. ♥ There is an underneath "fear" possibly from spoilage memories, but no "fear." Just not our central vibe. HOWEVER, the pineapple is STILL so strongly evocative of that ONE morning in SLC when we binged on pineapple with Q and I don't even know why; but we were SO SCARED & DISSOCIATED. In any case, SLC IS STILL SCARY and SO IS Q. Apparently those wounds AREN'T healed as we assumed.

EGGS)
With ketchup, salt & pepper, they DO remind us of grandpa, BUT ONLY SECONDHAND-- the primary association is "old local veterans" in general; the INSTANT memories are the LOCAL FIREHOUSE BREAKFAST and a smidge of the Thornhurst one, vague but known. The feeling is VERY COZY & SAFE; it's a solid "childhood security" vibe which is RARE. We feel QUITE young, like 7 or so. ALSO. EGGS ARE SO MUCH BETTER PLAIN. Keep them that way! The salt is getting nauseating; ONLY use one packet whenever possible. Same with pepper. Lastly, the TEXTURE is LOVELY. It's like custard! How do they do it! But it has NO data ties either way which is such a relief for our poor anxious brain; we can enjoy it purely & simply. Honestly, thank You God. The little things really are the nicest.

MUFFIN)
Neutral texture, triggering concept, SCARY flavor. Apparently, to our brain, that warm-brown "apple cinnamon" FUSION taste-- inherently so; it's NOT "apple + cinnamon", but its OWN unique thing-- elicits DREAD & shaking anxiety. (The Nutrigrain does it too! We've been wondering!) We cannot find the roots yet, nor can we identify the "apple" flavor (it doesn't match anything apparent in our apple-presentation data roll), BUT we wondered why the flavor = dread, and suddenly realized: APPLE-CINNAMON IS A SEASONAL FLAVOR, TIED TO TIME. When it historically would occur, it would do so ALONG WITH OTHER SEASONAL THINGS THAT WERE TERRIFYING, so over tie, the "appearance" of apple-cinnamon flavor became a WARNING SIREN, TO PREPARE FOR IMPENDING DANGERS THAT ONLY OCCURRED DURING THE SAME SEASONAL TIME PERIOD!!! This concept is ALSO why peppermint is SO safe: when IT appears, apple-cinnamon DISAPPEARS, and therefore the time of threat is OVER. They are like checkpoints or fences? Chronological markers. But apple-cinnamon therefore WARNS of UNAVOIDABLE, ATTACHED DANGER: of county fairs, hay rides, harvest festivals, corn mazes, haunted houses, jumpscares, scary movies, and Halloween. TONS of frightening things to us as a child occurred in the fall; plus THANKSGIVING & pilgrims & that loathsome orange/ yellow/ brown/ vermillion (NOT RED!!) color scheme everywhere that hurts our brain and has scared us SINCE CHILDHOOD, always inexplicably. We WANT to heal it but it's SO ANCIENT, with hidden roots. Nevertheless, we'll keep working on it as autumn (which starts today!! ♥) settles in around us in realtime, and our psyche reacts to the process & presentation. A NOTE: we actually love the "darker" autumn aesthetic that incorporates EVERGREEN & MISTY GRAY & BURGUNDY along with the neutral browns, glowing golds, & rich vermilions. It feels more like the woods, & season kissing season with the blessed promise of winter in the colder crisper silver air. But just straight-up orange/ yellow/ brown feels like hell & floods us with genuine DREAD.
โ˜… Something we realized, with these "time-locked" triggers: SUMMER APPLES ARE SAFE. AUTUMN ONES ARE NOT??? The latter are too closely tied to FARMS and some unidentified terror from picking/ eating apples in the backyard? But yes; this ALSO relates to APPLE PREP/ FLAVORS-- summer apples are fresh, bright, clear, juicy, etc.-- autumn apples are warmed/ cooked and more mellow? And summer apples typically have NO spice. Summer leans GREEN, autumn leans BROWN.



post-lunch//

Ziti with sauce & parmesan, breaded chicken w/ provolone? apple & grape juice, 2 tea 2 creamer, 1 salt 2 pepper

ZITI)
it had the SOFTEST texture AND EVEN TASTED SAFE!!
VFW dinners. Surprisingly, TOTALLY SAFE! Ziti shape is oddly "harmless" & comforting? Possibly from church/ school associations from of old. That actually gives us GREAT HOPE: like the hose-company eggs, this foods reminds us of home & neighbors, that sense of small town community & fondness that our heart honestly craves and wants SO BADLY to be PART of again. Well, tasting AND eating that blessedly "common food" NOW feels like a glowing promise that we CAN be part of that communion now, when we go home to our hometown.

JUICE)
Grape is foamy & surprisingly tart! It's in a weird place, both scary AND positive-- its "good" memories are vague & conceptual (Christmas "wine" as a kid, mainly), but legit? Yet it WAS a binge/ abuse food, too. Still, GRAPES = JESUS so there's GUARANTEED healing whenever we remember that!
Apple didn't register; we CAN'T LOOK AT IT or that INCREASES trauma terror, MORESO THAN THE TASTE!!! There is a LOT of memory-fear there. Pray to Jesus for help with that. Trust Him & remember, TRAUMA & ABUSE ARE ULTIMATELY INCAPABLE OF REAL CORRUPTION. The God-created core is pure.

SAUCE)

The "dried tomato" flavor is DIFFERENT enough from memory to muffle/ allay most trauma responses, BUT it's still a little anxiety-inducing; not as much as it used to be, though? I hope! Pray for that, please. Mom & Lou (and grandpa) really enjoy their tomatoes and honestly it breaks my heart that I've been to terrified to JOIN them in that yet. THAT'S what I hate the MOST about this eating disorder-- it puts WALLS up between me and ALL other people... AND between me & total devotion to GOD, which INCLUDES love of neighbor! So eat the tomatoes and GIVE THANKS for communion!!

CHICKEN)
The best one so far, shockingly, ESPECIALLY since SAUCE IS SAFE WITH CHICKEN PARM, NOT PASTA?? That's fascinating. No particular memory but associated solid longterm & fondly with our dear mom. The breading was so nice. We had a few odd bites BUT avoided actually eating it separately or mincing the chicken. Unfortunately we did mostly eat the sauce off, and "stacked" the cheese bits. Don't do stuff like that, it's silly! And of course, it's apparently disordered. Please, learn to lovingly eat things as a PROPER UNITED WHOLE, just as God presents them to you!!

CHEESE)
Parmesan is, thankfully, still safe to taste, due solely to heavy childhood meal resonance. USING it is scary as we fear a return migraine, but none have happened yet-- it might only occur with actual hard cheese. The slice on the chicken seemed to be provolone, which unfortunately IS still trauma-touched, from TBAS. That trauma is HARD to heal as the roots are so strong, and the fear equally so. TBAS trauma foods feel like eating poison. But, we put that thought bravely aside & reminded ourself, THEIR actions DO NOT define reality! They AREN'T the authority over our life! Lastly... grandpa liked chicken parm. HE liked provolone cheese, so we held to love of him instead and that got us TRULY through, safely.



post-dinner//

grilled cheese! / rosemary potatoes /  whole milk / 2 ketchup / 2 salt / 3 pepper / 2 creamers 2 teas

MILK)
(we don't know who the heck keeps writing these but they are explicitly disturbing. hidden for safety.) )

POTATOES)
Home fries style! Those AREN'T SCARY; both their texture & taste are positively comforting, and with the ketchup we get SOLID MEMORY of the THORNHURST HOSE COMPANY! So the POTATOES have that one, moreso than the eggs! That's cool. But yes, we enjoyed them thoroughly. HOWEVER. Potatoes = OUR LADY OF LA SALETTE, who earnestly implored us to honor the Sabbath, although "taking a day of rest for God" seemed like "a small thing," not matching its momentous true significance. BUT it's the sign of the Covenant, a MANDATE from GOD HIMSELF if "nothing else"; a total conscious visible active sign & sacrament that SEPARATES us from the industry-idolatry of the world and making work a "god," turning us regularly & ever more strongly to the ONE TRUE GOD by prayer & worship & peace. He mandated it FOR US, for our spiritual health, bodily refreshment, and TOTAL JOY! So no, it is NOT small; it is VERY BIG! And it "costs" nothing but CHARITY. So honor it ever more sincerely & totally! Leave the world behind and focus on HEAVEN, our origin and goal and TRUE HOMELAND. If I don't... well. Hence the reminder of the potatoes. I MUST, for God.
โ˜… LASTLY. When God gives you food direction, OBEY HIM, even if it seems "inconsequential" or odd-- that's the purpose of FAITH!! We didn't leave enough ketchup for the grilled cheese (we kept dipping potatoes in it) & took the garbage to shamefully get more. We're truly sorry. Disobedience only hurts!
โ˜… DON'T TAKE ANY ITEMS OUT OF THE GARBAGE PILE TO "GET MORE OUT," like ketchup & creamer. That is SUPER gross and makes us feel like an animal. Respect yourself! Be dignified!

GRILLED CHEESE)
WONDERFUL AS ALWAYS. We can't deny, we do enjoy them so much, even with the odd orange cheese. No complaints! It was truly lovely. It would have been lovelier with ketchup, judging from the one bite we got, but we messed up today ↑ so we lost out. Yet it STILL worked out, by God's grace-- we were humbled & taught a very important correction of behavior, we were given a preview of what we can have next time when we DO obey, and we were given the key initial opportunity to just purely & simply enjoy & experience the sandwich as-is. Grilled cheese will always remind us of grandma. We cut ours into triangles, too, just for her. ♥ ...I've actually been dreaming about her every night since I'm here, and caring for her, loving her, remembering her. I know she's watching over me & praying for me & loving me, too. ♥ I'll continue to do my very best, for her, and for her daughter, my dear mother. All together, with God guiding us in His love, we'll get through this!!



โ˜… A VITAL REALIZATION: WE STILL GET CLOCK-BASED TRAUMA!!!
When the sun goes down around 7PM-8PM, but people are awake & watching TV & talking & "preparing to DO things" instead of sleeping, WE FEEL TOTAL DREAD. THAT WAS THE DANGER-TIME CONTEXT IN CNC, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!!! So YES we are going to get anxiety attacks & feelings of impending doom & despair & terror at night! It's a learned response to a VERY emphasized & consistent trigger! YES we are shaking & nauseous & scared & want to cry like a lost child BECAUSE NOW WE CAN EXPRESS THAT FEAR WE BURIED AND DENIED AS THE FORMATIVE TRAUMA EVENTS WERE OCCURRING. Honestly though, the fact that we CAN and ARE sharing a FEAR response is a DOOR TO HEALING, because it is NOT IN DENIAL!! It clearly indicates that there IS trauma, and we DIDN'T WANT IT TO HAPPEN. It reveals that there IS a wound, and points to it. So be aware of the chronic, unavoidable trigger, and prudently prepare to face it, with the grace & peace of Christ!!
โ˜… A GREAT way to override that negative association is to instead consciously focus on a super positive one that ALSO has deep, repeated roots-- staying up late & "waiting" awake on HOLY SATURDAY & CHRISTMAS EVE! ♥ So anchor your heart in THOSE, and let God soothe your anxieties.



post-snack//

Cheddar Sun Chips / Bengal spice tea with 2 creamer

Remaining troubles to fix:
โ˜… Ripping open the bag!!
+ Oversqueezing the tea bag
+ Licking our fingers
+ Shoving whole chip in mouth?
+ Obsessive crumb eating
+ ↑ using a SPOON to do so
+ "must ONLY eat crumbs first"

โ˜… Cheese itself feels dirty; negative "spoiled milk" vibe?? Milk = dirty misbelief in any case; healing that straight, but cheese hasn't been affected OR directly tackled (yet!).
We feel like a RAT eating it-- not a little mouse, but a fat sewer rat!!
It's VERY difficult to "stay human" in our mental image as we eat it, because of that intense dirty feeling. The ONLY nousfoni who gets PULLED out is that long-haired messy teen, unwashed & manic, who eats with her fingers & GOBBLES things. SHE'S A BINGER!!! Which PROVES the "I'm out of control = I'm not worthy of humanity = I'm a filthy animal" thought train there, sadly. That poor girl with unwashed hair & pockmarked face (and SCHOOL CLOTHES??) is a vital snapshot of some VERY old & unfortunately powerful toxic core beliefs.

Perhaps try the cheddar chips once more? Not tomorrow; give it a mental break to refresh & try again clearly. But SOON. In the meantime, focus on:
(1) healing CHEESE
(2) investigating the "DIRTY" terror?
(3) DON'T RIP BAGS!!!
(4) FIND someone who CAN eat cheese?

โ˜… THE "FILTHY" FEELING IS ONLY TIED TO ORANGE CHEESE???
White/yellow cheese can be humiliating, & their aftertaste triggers the "baby spit-up" fear, BUT THEY DON'T FEEL "DIRTY!" That's fascinating.
โ˜… do OTHER orange foods do this? does COLOR affect our reactions TO "dirt" labelling of foods?? as opposed to just "WE'RE dirty for dropping/ spilling" in general?



prismaticbleed: (worried)


pre-breakfast//

Going to try less structured notes to allow more datalogging despite brain fog/ overwhelm/ illness/ exhaustion:

โ˜… Morning sunrise prayers. Stood at window & talked to God.
+ Out soul is inescapably, undeniably RED, no matter how much we may resist that out of shame/ guilt. God said Red is NOT EVIL, but it is LIFE, the first color of it (BLOOD) and the closest to earth ('adam), SO when Man (earth & blood; bios & zoe) fell, RED carried the brunt of it. BUT IT'S NOT "LOST" OR EVIL, just sick from sin.
โ˜… JESUS'S COLOR IS RED, as He clothed Himself IN physical human life, WITH WHITE, His purifying Divinity!
+ We ARE Fire, "a gift from God,"created TO BLESS! Said fire is NOT "uncontrollable"; that is DISORDER. Fire only destroys in order to FUEL NEW LIFE. Fire gives light & heat & comfort; it purifies metal, melts the frozen, & prepares food. etc. Fire is GOOD, as are ALL God's creatures. But God emphasized "TAMING" fire, via torches & lamps & CANDLES: beeswax for charitable industry, and the wick as PRAYER!! The white wax is GOOD WORKS to channel our power into, and the wick is PRAYER to FOCUS our burning. Then of course the AIR that lets us burn at all is God's Holy Spirit. So BE A CANDLE; be a lamp set on a lampstand for the glory of God! DON'T QUENCH THE FIRE OF GOD'S SPIRIT IN YOU. Do not deny or hide or run from or be ashamed of what GOD created you to be. LIVE AS HE WILLS.
+ Bloodwork lady with BABY JESUS MEDAL! ♥ Talked about our devotion to Him, and our love of our children/ brothers. Discussed gift of Halloween: "put on masks in order to unmask our soul"-- what "costumes" we wear/ choose actually reveal "who/ what we WANT to be" deep within. LOTS of thought-provoking truth there. She also gave me a GEMSTONE SHARK STICKER that her son made! We will treasure it. (ALSO, sharks are a HUGE childhood connection, so admitting and OWNING that fact is helping us re-build that bridge between "now & before," reuniting our adult Self TO our childhood Self, and learning to both recognize & reintegrate our own heart. That process is ESSENTIAL & INDISPENSABLE to our healing AND our wholeness as a person/ human in general!!


post-breakfast//

French toast, green tea & vanilla soy, 2 creamers

FRENCH TOAST)
POSITIVE= grandma making it; childhood breakfasts; mom vacations (stuffed)
NEGATIVE= CNC & inane memes; trying to make it myself; binge-choking
โ˜… We MUST begin our meals with CHOOSING CONSCIOUS HONEST GRATITUDE. We've become too habituated to control/ pleasure, sinfully, and so we kneejerk complain. "No butter? No syrup?" No! Because God said "Not with this meal!" HE KNOWS BEST so TRUST HIM and THANK HIM! We first needed to face it PLAIN and deal with its OWN unique experience, because butter & syrup ADD THEIR OWN!!
+ Jesus guided us in speed & manner the whole time. ♥ He warned us to be mindful of "the appearance of evil" in our eating behavior, avoiding even "neutral" choices that may nevertheless "trigger" or negatively inspire others, or that would embarrass/ inconvenience others if I was SHARING a meal: notably, cutting off the crusts into small pieces & eating them separately. Jesus DID understand AND advise that I still need to take smaller bites, BUT He had me practice taking them AS bites, NOT mincing up the french toast itself! That is normalized behavior and will not arouse suspicion or negatively impact observers. Set a good example, ALWAYS.
+ Texture was dry; next time, SAVE THE SOYMILK to iWITH it. That will also prevent "sugar-seeking" additions; we've been given enough!!
+ "Saving certain bites for last/ always eating certain parts first" is OBSESSIVE and MUST be relaxed. It is NOT REQUIRED to separate textures; in fact that's DISORDERED & DISUNITIVE! Let go of that "pleasure-seeking" habit, and instead treat EVERY bite as a gift from God, so each bite is EQUALLY met with mindful gratitude, instead of "reserving" that attention for the first & last only. We ate at HIS direction, and every bite was lovely in that obedient, thankful trust. Do so always. ♥

SOYMILK)
โ˜… HEALING PROCESS: we did a little more, but couldn't do much "realtime" re-association (that can ONLY occur IN TANDEM with REALTIME sensory data to associate WITH) yet. Imagining Dad laughing with us, arm around our shoulder, happy & close. The more we saturate the chronosphere with hope & positivity "offline," outside of meals & actual direct re-entry, the more effective and ABLE we will be able to heal when we go "online," hopefully tomorrow. The groundwork MUST be built up before/ after, too!!
โœ– (show mercy!) WE SPILLED SOME when we went to pour it, AND trying to use the straw. Please, AVOID THE STRAW if possible? It's too humiliating & triggering yet. God we need to heal THAT TOO, though, to prevent complaining & "special treatment." Please help prepare our hearts for such healing, to be able to drink from a carton & straw WHENEVER that is what we must do to obey, and/or to be humble. Until then, ONLY POUR INTO A (MOSTLY) EMPTY CUP; trying to pour tiny bits SPILLS. So now we know, and have been justly humbled BECAUSE we were "mixing" too much, tea & milk & creamer-- a VERY disordered, dissociated behavior! Again, thank God for the loving lesson & chastisement. Now we can act with more propriety, maturity, self-control & humble simplicity.

GREEN TEA + CREAMER)
POSITIVE = different Borders girl: no mania or anxiety, very peaceful, FAITH tangible! Foggy/ rainy peace vibe.
NEGATIVE= tied to Q time period w/ Genesis; old "Parnassus" bad vibes. Feeling of oncoming dread.
โœ– We squeezed the bag too hard, trying too hard, & broke the bag. It was a humiliating warning to not be so obsessive over "every last drop."
โ˜… CAFFEINE HIT HARD. Be careful, please, if/ when we drink this again-- don't steep so long! It's SUPPOSED to be mild!



post-lunch//

A veggie burger w/ cheese, whole milk, 2 tea & 2 creamer, 2 s&p, 2 ketchup, 1 relish.

Our biggest obstacles:
(1) COMPLAINING: "I don't like/ enjoy the veggie burger's taste."
(2) COMPULSIVE, IMPROPER CONDIMENT USE: "must get salt & pepper" but NO ONE puts those on a burger!!
(3) PRIMARY GOAL AS "EGOCENTRIC EXPERIENCE": focusing too much on finding/ processing memories & emotions VIA FOOD, seeing food as a TOOL or CONCEPT instead of as GOD'S NOURISHMENT.
(4) ANXIETY AS LACK OF FAITH: triggers disordered behaviors to return, causes dissociation, & blocks grace. Our body WILL get sick & our mood WILL drop, making the meal a "void" UNTIL WE RETURN TO PRAYER!!

+ Immediate guilt/ shame panic response after taking condiments.
(1) "I don't really like/ want these; I shouldn't have taken any"
(2) "I sinned by taking them so selfishly/ sensuously; I didn't ask Jesus first"
(3) "BUT they're on my tray so now I HAVE to eat them"
โ˜…(4) IMMEDIATE disordered "exit door" behavior: attempting to eat the condiments solo to get rid of them
ALSO, (5) "but I HAVE to eat them to find our what memories/ associations are attached to them!" OR, "grandpa liked ketchup/ relish SO since I love him I MUST also eat those foods" (AND/OR relive those memories)

BURGER)
Burnt taste? Mushroomy. Not a "fan" of the flavor, so we felt mentally "grumbly"??? WHY DOES THE TASTE MATTER TO YOU. BE GRATEFUL & STOP BEING SO ENTITLED. // In kinder words: not every food will match our personal taste. THAT IS OKAY! They DON'T HAVE TO. Not "liking" a flavor is NOT "rejecting God's Creation." BUT complaining about it IS!! I am SURE we can learn to be sincerely grateful for a food EVEN IF it's "not our favorite" so to speak. God knows best; our opinion is humbly unimportant.
โ˜… PLEASE take advantage of plurality for this! Like the morning bagel guy, I am SURE we can "find" someone inside whose personal resonance DOES match the food, and so WILL like it, and therefore DIRECTLY & CONCRETELY replace the very grumbling with TRUE gratitude. This will ALSO greatly increase our capacity for human empathy, communion, & relatability. ALL human beings eat, and have unique experiences & opinions & tastes. That IS NOT MORALLY WONG! It's a part of  the kaleidoscopic wonder of God's bounteous Creativity & human individuality! And the more we can connect with that as a starting point, the more completely we can connect with PEOPLE, in genuine compassion & understanding & loving community!
+ There, admittedly, WAS a "snapshot" of a potential somebody, in a woodsy farmhouse setting (like the homestead), sitting outside in a pasture beneath the trees & beside an old barn, a cow grazing beside them. They RESONATED with the pale-neutral burger flavor, touching subtly on pale green like Sergei's? But no personal appearance data, other than the slight resonance with old grass-kissed overalls & a warm straw sunhat & maybe garden gloves & old gardening boots (brown) like grandma's-- outfits tend to manifest sooner than hair & faces do-- it's FAR too early & lacking in anchorage for that to occur. But! There's sincere potential! The only issue is that it cannot strengthen WITHOUT the direct association function anchor data input. So! Remember them for next time!

KETCHUP & RELISH)
โœ– We licked ONE ketchup packet and were SO ashamed; we were also sorely tempted to eat the relish packet but didn't. Still, we felt SUCH regret when we put them on the burger. It felt SO compulsory; we felt like we "ruined it" as well. Only Christ got us through that.
โœ– The ketchup overload squeezed out onto our hand, a DEEPLY HUMILIATING chastisement. We felt SO dirty & piggish; self-respect dropped. It felt like a direct consequence of "compromising our moral values"; compulsion/ greed/ ego instead of temperate simplicity.
โœ– Likewise, the relish not only LOOKS like vomit, we were so disgusted with ourselves for it AND nauseated by it that we were trying to scrape it off the burger with our teeth in shame, like hiding evidence of sin. MORE profoundly humiliating chastisement for our choice! Yet EVEN NOW I feel like I have to apologize to grandpa because pickles are HIS food-- but NOT pickles on burgers!! REMEMBER THAT so we don't force datamashes accidentally like this OR trigger compulsive deconstruction/ disordered condiment consumption anymore!!
โ˜… SIMILARLY, ketchup is ONLY tied to Grandpa because of Farmer's Market fries & Hose Company Breakfast eggs, NOT as straight ketchup!! And we KNOW that data already. We're not obligated to re-live it every chance we get because we miss him. Those memories CAN be re-lived OUTSIDE of meals, too!! BUT the sensory data brings it "into the Now," making it TANGIBLE and REAL, helping to repair our whole historical Self by VALIDATING the experiences OF those memories AS OURS, NOW. So that IS important, we must admit. STILL. THERE ARE PROPER CIRCUMSTANCES. You CANNOT eat relish packets as a sign of mourning. When God gives you a LEGIT pickle, though? THAT is something Grandpa ate, AS he would eat it! THAT way the EXPERIENCE IS REALISTIC!!
โ˜… THAT'S our key to healing this! Grandpa NEVER ate relish OR ketchup packets, OR put them on burgers! STACKING HIS ASSOCIATED FOODS CANNOT BRING US CLOSER TO HIM, because it is FORCED, DISORDERED, & ARTIFICIAL. Literally the ONLY way to truly visit his chronospheres is to do so IN LIKE MANNER WITH HIM. THAT'S part of the empathy, too, that we talked about with the burger-- it MUST come through COMMON SHARED EXPERIENCE, and NATURALLY so!!!
โ˜… PARTICULAR food combos and preparations yield PARTICULAR memories/ associations, and due to the vividness of that data, they RARELY overlap!! SO DON'T FORCE ARTIFICIAL COMBOS, ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE DISORDERED OR COMPULSIVE. Eat what you're given AS it is given, as PURE & SIMPLE AS POSSIBLE!

Some final important notes on our lunch lessons:

SALT & PEPPER)
โœ– We should NOT have taken salt & pepper, BUT we acted in ignorance: at the time, we assumed that they were "UNIVERSAL CONDIMENTS" and therefore COULD be added to anything-- and in our habituated compulsiveness, we incorrectly & impulsively concluded that we therefore MUST add them to everything. B&W thinking, again. We were SO ashamed, putting them on the burger. We FELT how dis-ordered it was, and wanted to hide in humiliation.
โ˜… Jesus SPECIFICALLY told us we DIDN'T HAVE TO EAT THEM, BUT He let us put them on the burger anyway-- yet ONLY half, at His direction-- so we could have DIRECT experience AS to why s&p don't go on burgers: "rational data" to oppose compulsions with. And oh boy, did that work! It was DISGUSTING, haha. So NOW WE KNOW. And DON'T feel guilty for that "judgment"!!! We LIKE salt and pepper both, BUT DISORDERED USE DISTORTS THEM, to the point where you "morally" SHOULDN'T "like" them IN THAT DISTORTED STATE because it is then, essentially, NOT "TRULY ITSELF." So yeah, when they're abused, they're gross, BECAUSE ABUSE/ DISORDER IS GROSS. Remember this!!!


TEA)
Pure & simple, no trouble; only association is mom/ Astra and surprisingly non-anxious "kitchen memory" vibes? Maybe explore that, actually-- try one w/o creamer & just see if that elicits anything. If not, that's fine; now we know.
+ Actually, TRY to stop drinking half of both & pouring one into the other; that is OBVIOUS disordered behavior too. Really, in general, STOP MIXING. God's Creation was all about HOLY SEPARATION, ALL such "distinction" being INHERENTLY GOOD & TRUE!!! Go re-read Genesis, & Haim Shore's commentary on it! This forced hypercombining we keep doing (for yet-unknown reasons!!), this mashing up data & destroying unique individuality & mangling proper harmonizations... honestly it's demonic. It's going from order to destruction. It is, I repeat, DISORDERED both physically & morally and it MUST STOP! So pray about it, please. God WILL help us, as long as we admit our great need, contritely confess our sins, admit our helplessness and run to Him like the clumsy yet trusting child we are.


WHOLE MILK)
this paragraph is explicitly triggering. hidden for safety. )



post-dinner//

Apple, chicken tenders, butter, mashed potatoes // 2 tea, 2 creamer, 3 s&p, 1 ketchup, 1 relish

+ We DISLIKE ketchup & it's EMPTY DATA. Relish is NOT just pickle; also cabbage & pepper. So ditch it. Too much LOUD vinegar in both, too. (That infogain is WHY Jesus let us try it just once more. Now we can INFORMEDLY stop.)
+ Salt overload; allowed here only to teach that & help blood pressure. TEMPERANCE. Practice cutting down to 1. Overuse is DISORDERED too!
+ 2 creamers in one tea, other plain. Same data as always, both are neutral good, so no worries there. No combining this way, too!
+ Chicken tenders ARE tender! Easy to chew & tasty; they have immediate SHS lunch memories (positive). A happy food. We resisted the compulsion to eat the breading off! And we cut them into medium pieces, NO mincing or hyperchewing. Some breaded bits made us think of mom's chicken parmesan, & also echoed the breading on fish at restaurants; family fondness with each.
โ˜… We imagined eating this, or a similar meal, WITH mom, thinking: "If I did this (behavior) while she was there (watching & associated with me), would she be ashamed or embarrassed? Would such a behavior reflect badly on her, or make people raise their eyebrows at me (as it was abnormal)?" And I'm telling you, now THAT is a supereffective "behavior compass" to follow!! It's anchored in LOVE & RESPECT, not ego! So DO THAT at EVERY meal!! ♥
+ Mashed potatoes looked "threatening" (WHY? just "potato allergy/ panic" symptom fear? "Carb terror"?) BUT they were straight-up KFC flavor. INSTANT childhood association, positively! But again, that odd anxious/ nervous ambience. (Fear of misbehaving/ discipline?) Imagined family smiling, saying grace together, GIVING me the potatoes ("we know you like them, so help yourself"), and telling little us, "We're glad you're here." Relief. ♥ (So far, the kids in these memories are SHOCKED to be treated with compassion & inclusion.)



post-snack//

quick snack notes: NO MORE FRUIT TEA ATTEMPTS. we want to puke. they ALL have bloody hibiscus which tastes SHARP and LOUD and it's so acidic it CURDLES THE CREAMER. so we're legitimately sick right now, and nauseous, and angry? we feel oddly disgusted with ourself. we forgot to taste it plain so NOW we feel FORCED to "try it again" because we have this panicked compulsion that we MUST know what it tastes like and we MUST LIKE IT or we are an ignorant, closed-hearted, selfish and pompous ass. WHY. We DON'T like fruit tea and we DON'T want to have to try everything but we feel FORCED & COMPELLED TO and we want to cry like a sick child. Our stomach hurts. We're miserable. Oh and EVEN WORSE, we got the Cheddar Sun Chips to "bravely tackle TWO fear foods" because oddly cheese FLAVOR is terrifying? And chips are DIRTY food, sticky & crumby & staining your fingers wrong and gross. We feel SO DIRTY when we eat chips. It's humiliating. It's such a horrible trauma trigger. So the chips made our outside scary, and the tea made our inside scary. WHY CAN'T WE FREELY SAY NO??? I DON'T WANT TO DRINK FRUIT TEA PLEASE. But this internal cruel voice replies, "Tough sh*t! You don't GET to decide. You do what you're told! And stop being such a rebellious brat!!!" WHY. Saying "no" to the tea that SOMEONE ELSE LIKES-- especially our dear grandma; didn't SHE like orange tea? We want to weep-- means REJECTING THEM. I feel so helpless.
What do we do. We DON'T LIKE FRUIT TEA and now we're gonna be SCARED too, remembering tonight and how SICK & NAUSEOUS our poor body feels!! God, dear Jesus our Savior, please make something good result from this. Help us stop complaining and carry this cross with You. Help us to FORGIVE ourself, too, and not be angry or hateful at the food either. Help us not to throw up please because we REALLY want to. But... not giving in to that terrified urge will help our recovery SO MUCH. We have learned to "run away" from this sort of suffering instead of enduring it for Christ. Wow. I guess THAT'S the Good that can come out of this. God I hope so. Please help us. I just noticed we got a TINY spot of cheese on our clean shirt and we want to die. We feel SO DIRTY. like our soul is gross & filthy. stupid ugly stinky disgusting cheese. I hate it. it's evil. God help and forgive me.
I need help. I can't forgive myself for being so PIGGISH and GROSS and STINKY and DIRTY!!!
I want to cry
i want to sleep
im so humiliated
so ashamed
im SO stupid
i try to act so smart & mature
im just an idiot

im sorry God

please

let me just sleep ok

i love You

im sorry im so dumb

im sorry my body and soul are
so dirty
wrong
disgusting

please

make me pure and clean again

im so sorry



good night i guess







โœณLET YOURSELF FEEL YOUR EMOTIONS!!!! BURYING, DENYING, INVALIDATING, &/OR SUPPRESSING THEM CAUSES THIS-- AN IMPLOSION & EXPLOSION BOTH!!!






prismaticbleed: (shatter)


THOUGHTS affect our BEHAVIORS & EMOTIONS. What we THINK affects how we act & feel.
BEHAVIORS affect our THOUGHTS & EMOTIONS. What we DO affects how we think & feel.
EMOTIONS affect our THOUGHTS & BEHAVIORS. What we FEEL affects what we think & do.

โ˜… Thoughts = Cool tones? // Emotions = Warm tones? // Behaviors = Neutral tones?

โ˜… THOUGHTS ARE NOT OBJECTIVELY FAULTLESS!! THEY CAN BE FALSE, TOXIC, DISTORTED, ETC.! THEY CAN ALSO BE ILLOGICAL!!
โ˜… We don't seem to know many thought-based nousfoni??? LOOK FOR THEM! They're probably ANCIENT

โ˜… EMOTIONS are INHERENTLY TIED TO THOUGHTS! As most nousfoni we deal with are EMOTION-ANCHORED, that means their ULTIMATE roots are THOUGHTS!!! That is a GAME CHANGER!!!
โ˜… many Brown nousfoni fall under RED/ ORANGE and THAT'S why they are so volatile & emotional???

โ˜… Besides achromes, do some "pastels" hold "behavior" functions, if this color theory is correct? Could THEY be beneficial SOCIALS???
โ˜… "WISE MIND" nousfoni are FUSION HUES like PURPLE!!!


"If you let your negative thoughts go unchallenged, then you will begin to feel negative emotions."
+ THAT is why we MUST fill our thoughts with the Word of God!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THOUGHT RECORDS

(originally written in realtime, as far as possible.)

SITUATION / EVENT = What was going on? Where were you? Who was there?
THOUGHTS =
What went through your mind? How much did you believe those thoughts (0-100)?
FEELINGS / EMOTIONS = What emotions did you experience? How intense was each emotion (0-100)?
BEHAVIOR = How did you act? What did you do?

(092122)

#1

SITUATION =
+ Writing about lunch experience mistakes in journal
+ Alone, at unit table

THOUGHTS =
+ "I keep making such foolish decisions without thinking" (100)
+ "Why am I so ruled by compulsion and emotions?" (90)
+ I feel like I'm inherently broken" (70)

EMOTIONS =
+ Shame (100)
+ Anger (50)
+ Despair (30)
+ Numb (20)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Mood started to drop
+ Feeling self-loathing


#2

SITUATION =
+ Blood pressure taken by Chris w/ beard
+ IMMEDIATELY after journaling

THOUGHTS =
+ "I hope I'm being socially proper/ nice/ friendly/ agreeable/ entertaining enough"
+ He seems OK with us; I guess I'm not that bad after all"

EMOTIONS =
+ Happy (50)
+ Dissociated (60)
+ Anxious (30)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Smile
+ Forgot about problems
+ "Social mode"


#3

SITUATION =
+ Chris left, bluntly, after getting our blood sugar
+ We tried to sound like we were "knowledgeable"; mimicking his speech

THOUGHTS =
+ "Why can't I keep my dumbass mouth shut" (100)
+ "Stop being so proud & a kissass" (100)
+ "I hate how I act around people" (100)

EMOTIONS =
+ Anger (70)
+ AWFUL SHAME & humiliation (100)
+ Self-loathing (90)
+ Fear of rejection & disdain/ judgment (90)
+ Self-harm thoughts (60)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Wanted to hide away & dissociate
+ Wanted to ignore world


#4

SITUATION =
+ dinner out on the unit
+ person SCREAMING psychotically in adjacent ward like our brother used to
+ at table alone, with nurse & two other patients across room

THOUGHTS =
+ "That sounds just like our brother"
+ "God help that poor person"
+ "I'm scared of what this is making me remember"
+ "I feel unsafe"
+ "They can't hurt me though; they don't even know I'm here"

EMOTIONS =
+ Terror (85)
+ Panic (50)
+ Pity (80)
+ Fear (90)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Tried not to focus on it
+ Deep breathing
+ Closed eyes
+ Reminding myself "they can't get in here, they can't get at me"
+ Tried to stay grounded


(092622)

#1

SITUATION =
+ got a fluid tracking sheet as I went over the limit once
+ sitting at table, doing solo work
+ staff member walked up and gave it unannounced

THOUGHTS =
+ "I just won't drink ANY water then"
+ "I can't forgive myself for being so stupid & arrogantly thinking "I'd be fine" with drinking all that water last week"
+ "They'll never forget this. I'll never be forgiven."
+ "I feel SO ashamed & condemned/ humiliated"

EMOTIONS =
+ SHAME (100)
+ Despair (90)
+ Self-loathing (100)
+ Anger (85)
+ Sadness; disappointed (90)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Withdrew into self
+ Hid paper
+ Terrified TO drink water
+ Gave up hope of improvement


#2

SITUATION =
+ Art/ music group
+ At table, alone
+ Staff & patients nearby in room

THOUGHTS =
+ "Oh no, they're playing MORE triggering songs"
+ "I CANNOT cope with this"
+ "I'll never be able to get over this; it's too unavoidable & intense"
+ "I'm so scared; I want to run & hide"
+ "Why am I SO strongly disturbed by SOUNDS & music?"

EMOTIONS =
+ ABSOLUTE PANIC (100)
+ Terror/ dread (100)
+ Hatred (90)
+ Rage/ violence (80)
+ Despair/ hopeless (100)
+ Existential panic (100)
+ Self-hatred (95)
+ Numbness (90)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Want to throw up
+ Want to scream & sob
+ Want to run away & hide
+ Want to break the guitar
+ Want to die so I can be safe/ free
+ Shaking & dissociating
+ Hate self for being like this
+ Trying not to meltdown
+ Writing this so I can dissociate a bit


#3

SITUATION =
+ asked for milk option; chose a BIG fear food
+ Alone at table
+ Staff member asking
+ Art group nearby

THOUGHTS =
+ "I MUST stop being a coward & pick that fear food already"
+ "CHOCOLATE IS A SEX FOOD + TRAUMA"
+ "CHOCOLATE WILL KILL YOU + INFECT YOU"

EMOTIONS =
+ GUILT (100)
+ Self-hatred (1000)
+ Self-disgust (100)
+ Fear for life (90)
+ PANIC (100)
+ Despair (100)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Told myself I HAD to face it or it'd haunt me FOREVER as that "unconquered fear"
+ Almost died BUT I DRANK IT


(102122)

#1

SITUATION =
+ Asked for milk option; chose the EASY/ USUAL option
+ Alone at table
+ Staff member asking
+ Other patients just resting nearby

THOUGHTS =
+ "I don't know if I can handle that challenge today; I'm a bit stressed"
+ "YOU COWARD"
+ "STOP CHICKENING OUT AND FACE YOUR FEARS"

EMOTIONS =
+ RAGE (100)
+ Shame (100)
+ Guilt (100)
+ Anxiety (100)
+ (all this together was bad enough to make me shake)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Sat there & shook with anxious fear & guilty shame-panic for a few minutes
+ Decided I couldn't cope with the guilt; got up, went to staff, & picked the chocolate milk


#2

SITUATION =
+ Talking to nutritionist; mealplan increased; could choose either an extra CS or Ensure at each meal. Chose Ensure, then changed mind & chose CS. REGRETTED THIS.
+ In room with nutritionist & student assistant

THOUGHTS =
+ "Ensure will add sugar to EVERY meal, AND I'm still afraid it's "poison" from past illness"
+ "BUT an extra CS feels like gluttony/ binges"
+ "YOU F*CKING COWARD!!!"
+ "STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM SUGAR!"

EMOTIONS =
+ ABSOLUTE WRATH (1000)
+ PANIC (100)
+ Regret (100)
+ Guilt (100)
+ Shame (100)
+ LEGIT BLINDING INTENSITY

BEHAVIOR =
+ Freaked out at table; couldn't calm down
+ Got up & went to room; SELF-ABUSED!!!
+ Too angry to even let myself cry; did try
+ Staff came in; I told them the problem
+ Decided to stick it out until Monday, then tell team


(102322)

#1

SITUATION =
+ Before bed, looked at body in bathroom mirror; noticed the stomach is getting rounder & abdomen is thicker/ wider
+ In bathroom by my room
+ Alone

THOUGHTS =
+ "TBAS's body looks like this"
+ "It looks so feminine now; it's disgusting; it's so foreign & wrong"
+ "I don't want to look like a woman"
+ "I'm scared; is this my life now?"
+ "I look JUST LIKE my abusers now"

EMOTIONS =
+ DISGUST (100)
+ FEAR (100)
+ DESPAIR (100)
+ numb (90)
+ shame (90)
+ anger (80)

BEHAVIOR =
+ So disturbed & frightened that I went numb & dissociated HARD
+ Couldn't pull myself together; nearly forgot how to brush teeth
+ Kept having flashbacks; gave in to despair
+ Went to bed, feeling hollow & hopeless


(102422)

#1

SITUATION =
+ Kelsey asked for lunch exchanges; chose the HARD milk option, BUT chose an "easy" CS instead of "too much dessert" OR the suspectedly "self-abusive" Doritos
+ Alone at table
+ Art group nearby

THOUGHTS =
+ "Doritos will just spike my panic right now"
+ "Am I doing the wrong/ cowardly thing by NOT choosing Doritos again?"
+ "Dad ALWAYS serves crisps with burgers; this is good loving practice for THAT"
+ "Is choosing the easier option going to make me a runaway coward again?"

EMOTIONS =
+ Confusion (80)
+ Anxiety (90)
+ Shame (70)
+ Worry (95)
+ Hope (80)
+ Frustration (80)
+ Struggling to ALLOW choices that AREN'T blatantly stressful

BEHAVIOR =
+ Asked for reassurance on choice
+ Explained the motives of my choice & doubts as to their validity if they weren't a "challenge"
+ DIDN'T BEAT MYSELF UP!
+ Didn't fall into a second-guessing spiral!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THOUGHT RECORD ASSESSMENT

Do you see any themes of patterns? Are there thoughts that appear many times?

LOTS of guilt/ shame, terror, rage, panic, humiliation, despair, self-hatred. OVERWHELM. Extreme emotional "yo-yo"-ing, catastrophizing, "perfectionistic" expectations-- things "only exist AS absolutes." Lack of self-integrity & stability; shutdown/ dissociation under stress. UNFORGIVING of own errors/ bad choices; "defining" self AS improper/ unwise decisions/ reactions.

How do I seem to see, or define myself?

Foolish, ignorant, helpless, "ruled by emotion," proud, "a kissass," "not nice enough," violent, manipulative, "socially unacceptable," "unwanted/ improper/ disgusting," constantly in danger, stupid, blind, uncaring, unforgivable, condemned, cowardly, hypocritical, cruel, selfish, "INHERENTLY BROKEN/ UNFIXABLE," BAD

How does this make me feel about myself?

Disgusted, hopeless, furious, HATEFUL. I have SO MANY OBJECTIVELY HARMFUL/ OFFENSIVE QUALITIES that WON'T GO AWAY, it seems IMPOSSIBLE to even TRY to "be good"; I'd just be a LIAR/ HYPOCRITE by "pretending NOT to be evil." I see myself as INHERENTLY, UNFIXABLY "BAD." And the worst part is I DON'T WANT TO BE, but I feel damned & stuck. It makes me suicidal on the worst days.

What assumptions might I have about other people & relationships?

Relationships can ONLY be "abusive" or toxic, BECAUSE OF ME. I ALWAYS damage/ abuse the other person until they hate me (rightfully) & cut off all contact. Relationships "only occur because you're trying to USE/ GET SOMETHING FROM the other person, by dishonestly "grooming" them to like you, blinding them to your corrupt motives & hidden cruel/ cold heart." OBJECTIFICATION!

How do these assumptions make me feel about other people & relationships?

Paradoxically, I WANT a relationship TO dote on someone & love them & live entirely for them, BUT THEY never want to meet that symbiotic yearning. They have "other interests" and I just become unwanted/ abusive from trying. I CANNOT "end a relationships" as I NEVER WANT TO so I get stuck even if they cast me off and/or neglect/ use me? I feel like a monster, bleeding them dry. BUT!!! I ALSO AVOID GENERAL SOCIAL INTERACTION because relationships are INHERENTLY INTIMATE & TOTAL; therefore ALL "casual interaction" is VIOLATION, abusive & terrifying & demanding ALL of me to be met with blithe emptiness. I LOSE MYSELF and CANNOT cope with the unrequited totality, OR the intensity OF giving it without intimacy? WHICH I STILL FEAR in those casual situations BECAUSE OF "ABSOLUTES"-- if they're NOT close NOW, then ALL "closeness" with them IS HOLLOW & FEELS LIKE RAPE.

How have your core beliefs & schemas influenced you (emotionally, physically, behaviorally, & socially)?

E= Chronic depression & rage; self-hatred; moral panic; no hope for real change; POLAR EXTREME emotional intensity
P= Isolating; want to "get rid of myself" (starving); self-abuse; wanting to be weak/ sedated/ "HARMLESS"
B= Perfectionistic people-pleasing; violently lashing out; try too hard OR give up; "good girl OR bad girl" (no middle ground)?
S= Avoiding all social interaction WHILE desperately WANTING to be superclose to people; either doting on or ignoring/ either adoring or resenting; "ALL OR NOTHING"

In what ways will you be more aware of your beliefs & schemas? What effect will this have?

Apparently, EVERYTHING is "black & white" for me. I need to learn HOW to see "gray" WITHOUT destroying my already-damaged moral compass.
โ˜… I CANNOT "BE GOOD" IF I SEE MYSELF AS "IRREDEEMABLY BAD" & "UNFIXABLE; INHERENTLY BROKEN"-- and these two beliefs HAVE BEEN MADE UNTRUE BY THE DEATH OF CHRIST!!! His Cross CAN SAVE EVEN ME.

Identify some cognitive distortions in your thought record and list them.

- Only focusing on the bad
- Insisting that I, or something external, "must" or "should" be/ not be a certain way
- Assuming a catastrophic outcome (Negative consequence avalanches)
- Absolute self-judgments & condemnations
- Assuming I know how/ what others think
- Assuming that if I feel anxious I MUST be in trouble/ guilty
- Assuming that if I do/ don't do a certain action, a certain consequence WILL happen

What is the emotional affect these cognitive distortions have on you?

They make me MISERABLE! I feel incapable of doing well OR being good, causing despair/ self-hatred/ moral panic. I feel like I'm doomed to failure/ offense. I assume everyone is "secretly loathing me"? I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I'm paranoid, desperate, anxious, irritable, & cynical. I'm UNABLE TO "BE MYSELF" AT ALL! My emotions get STUCK in a negative tunnel-vision loop and eventually may numb out altogether, AND/OR EXPLODE.

How do these cognitive distortions affect your behavior?

I get VERY paranoid, rigid, & CONTROLLING, as well as perfectionistic? I try to "guess" EVERY possible threat, expectation, consequence, & obligation. I close out the world to avoid the constant stress. I dissociate & depersonalize, and resort to fawning & self-abuse. I avoid risks, I reject positivity, I procrastinate, I blameshift, etc. I'm a mess. I cannot think straight, and I CANNOT distinguish myself as a person! I'm a ball of nerves & rage & tears, and I CAN'T FUNCTION. (If I feel trapped/ threatened enough, I can ALSO give in to a blind reactive VIOLENCE.)

How do these cognitive distortions affect your sense of self?

It DESTROYS all sense of self, in truth-- I instead see "myself" as ONLY a conglomeration of "bad things," of sins & failures & offenses. I have NO "unique qualities," no goals or dreams, no hopes or interests-- the distortions turn me into a hollow "survival machine" seeing danger at every turn, yet "incapable of doing anything right." I feel DOOMED and therefore ALL "identity" is rejected & destroyed, except FOR anything destructive!! It's lethally ironic-- I BECOME" the distortions & disorder, once they "smother" everything of ME.

How do these cognitive distortions affect your relationships?

I can't maintain any, and WON'T make any. The distortions wrongly assume that EVERYONE is "abusive," in essence-- that they are constantly monitoring & judging my behavior, hate me/ are disgusted by me/ WILL punish or hurt me, etc. I assume that I CANNOT be a good influence to others, AND that others are "secretly out to take advantage of/ use/ destroy me"??? Thus assuming that ALL human contact will end in disaster/ abuse/ overwhelm, I avoid it completely. Relationships with family become strained & distant. Friendships implode.

Can you identify a strongly-held core belief of yours that may have influenced these distortions?

With relationships: "People only want me in order to use me"; "People only enter relationships/ talk to you in order to GET something from you." (Abuse/ Mom sourced)
In general: "I always mess up/ do things wrong"; "I am inherently a bad/ broken person"; "Trying to be my own person/ unique is WRONG/ SELFISH"; "I must always be useful"; "I must always be "appealing" to others"; "If I do one thing bad/wrong, it corrupts/ invalidates ALL the "good" I have ever done;" etc.

How will you be more aware of these distortions in the future? What impact will that have on your life?

First I MUST really look at those beliefs & find their roots! Then I can figure out WHY/HOW I developed those beliefs, ESPECIALLY under WHAT circumstances! Becoming aware of distortions AS distortions, in general, makes them easier to recognize. I must practice GENERATING & APPLYING healthy, positive, FACTUAL alternatives, REGULARLY, to diminish habits of distortion!

Did you learn anything about the way your brain works, or your style of thinking, from this process?

I CATASTROPHIZE A LOT!! I assume the "worst possible outcome." I ALSO beat myself up BRUTALLY, whenever I fail to meet my own perfectionist standards. I react based on emotionally-charged assumptions/ fears, instead of reasoning = I take my FEELINGS as facts, and they're typically VERY skewed, because I'm thinking of myself as inherently incompetent/ offensive/ helpless/ bad/ etc.

How can you remember to use CBT methods to challenge distorted thinking in everyday life?

LIVING AS OUR SYSTEM. We naturally "examine evidence" and "substitute" language; we use the "double standard" & "defining" methods in communication; we are brave enough TO "experiment," and being multiple ALWAYS involves us considering "cost-benefits"; "shades of gray," & "other possibilities," as well as "what-ifs." We're just learning how to "survey" outside!
In any case, though, regardless of applied methods, the infallible help is always PRAYER!!!!

What will get in the way of using these methods? How can you plan ahead to avoid these barriers?

GETTING SOLO-STUCK "DOWNSTAIRS." The BEST way to prevent/ break this is to KEEP UP REGULAR COMMUNICATION, so that it FINALLY becomes our DEFAULT again!! STILL, we ALSO NEED to find/ use TANGIBLE REMINDERS to "ping/ call" helpful people in tough situations. Regularly reviewing/ healing memories & mindsets is also vital, OUTSIDE of stressful times!

How does the new way of thinking, after challenging the old way, affect your emotions & behaviors?

IT STABILIZES our emotions, helps us control behavior, and generally restores our sense of selfhood. We're open & curious, ABLE to consider the bigger picture AND be compassionate with ourself. Negative emotions are SPOKEN TO AS PEOPLE, respected & heard & comforted, balancing their pain with hope WITHOUT rejecting their VALID REALITY! THEY are the keys to true & total healing; we MUST understand & work with them!

How does this new way of thinking impact your sense of self?

It ALLOWS us to exist AS THE FULL SPECTRUM, acknowledging ALL hues & opening doors of communication for them, giving us the opportunity to UNDERSTAND, COMMUNICATE, CONNECT, SYMPATHIZE, AND EMPATHIZE. By tuning into our TOTAL self & embracing ALL OF US, we CAN exist "outside" as well; the Socials are no longer tragically isolated & suppressed/ unhealthy!!

How would this new way of thinking influence your relationships?

By being open to such communication, understanding, & compassion, we CAN have healthy relationships in general, as we become empowered to face difficulties AND conquer/ assuage/ respect fears while honoring the needs of ALL involved! Treating ourself kindly, & thinking in a healthy manner, will also ENABLE us to be just as sincerely kind & compassionate to others, and to behave in a mutually healthy way-- no more toxic enabling!

What would life be like if you were able to consistently challenge your distorted thinking?

It would be so refreshing. We'd finally be "in control" of our thought processes, ABLE to CHOOSE how to respond, NOT REACT, in a sensible & beneficial & healthy way. We'd no longer be "enslaved" to negative assumptions & distortions. Our overall mindset will be brighter, clear, and full of hope & compassion. We will be more in touch with reality, AND our own beliefs/ thoughts! We will have a broader, wiser perspective. We will THRIVE.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CORE BELIEFS & AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS

+ IRONICALLY, listing our automatic negative thoughts is a GREAT way to "lure out" COMPASSION as it "externalizes" them? Hides self-applicability. Reading them triggers instinctive consolatory/ merciful responses, NOT agreement!!! START THERE to build genuinely balanced core beliefs; THAT'S already proof of ROOTS!!
+ A negative core belief ALSO invalidates positive thoughts; seeks its OWN "evidence" AGAINST them, as to why they're not REALLY positive. e.g. "Knowing all that trivia IS stupid," etc. Like a BULLY. Pushes you around & mocks you baselessly. CRUEL & RUDE.
+ Negative beliefs ignore all contradicting evidence and that is a demonic DENIAL OF TRUTH!!

+ Everyone has their own "distorted lenses" through which they see the world, and so everyone sees their own "realities"-- BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM TRUE!!!
CHRIST IS TRUTH AND GUESS WHAT.
HE LOVES ALL OF US UNCONDITIONALLY.
THAT'S REALITY, DESPITE OUR FAILURES.
WE'RE ALL LOVED AND THERE IS HOPE & HEALING FOR EVEN THE MOST BROKEN.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

prismaticbleed: (shatter)

admission //


5½ years later, I'm back at UPMC. New floor, new crowd, same essential structure. However this time my mind is different-- damaged. My heart is, disturbingly, harder. I'm plagued by impatience, despair, frustration, & numbness. I refuse to associate with the other patients so far out of terror towards conversation and socializing. I keep 'kissing up' to nurses & therapists, trying to be the "model patient," but I'm a hypocrite and I will justly crash & burn for it. I don't want to be like this. It's a literal hell.
What happened to me? Why am I so wicked and evil? God, how can I change? How can I heal?
I'm reading the Book of Job and it hits far too close to home. The only key difference is that I'm choking on my guilt & shame; I deserve to suffer all these torments and more. My self-loathing is so intense, so crushingly heavy, I can barely breathe. God, what do I do? Will You help me please?
The other problem is, I realize I am convinced that God is so fed up with me, and all my desires & requests are SO corrupt, that God CAN only refuse me totally. The only morally upright response to me is "NO." It's miserable but it's just. And yet I sob, desperate, when all I want is to die to this life and become good, kind, holy, pure-- but I fear God just laughs, and says, "you don't deserve that." That's not God. My inherent, basic grasp of Who God Is-- despite all my Scripture study-- is, fatally and shockingly, corrupt. My earthly experience has discolored & stained my spiritual one. I find it impossible to even imagine that someone could, or even would, help me, have compassion on me, forgive me, or love me.
Ever since the Spectrum shattered my soul has been rotting. And yet I "refuse" to try and seek them out because "you don't need anyone but God" and "you aren't allowed/ supposed to love anyone but God!" and "you treasured your inner life with them too much; it became an idol; it has to go!" Except we all prayed together & served God together & our collective existence was founded on faith & hope & love. Except now that they're gone I have more time to pray & read the Bible and I never have to think about myself. What hypocrisy. I'm a whitewashed tomb. The more "pious" I try to be, the more I seem to cut myself off from the world. But I love people. Don't I? I want to serve & help people. Except I don't, because the insurmountable obstacle is "I". I avoid true service because I don't want people to see me or talk to me because then I have to exist & be aware of myself and honestly I hate myself so much, so much. How did this happen? I love practicing my religion because I never have to think about "me"... except when I pray, which drives me to tears, except in church, which demands my total participation-- except in heaven itself, you wretched moron, how can you ever be in a relationship with Christ if you won't let yourself be beloved? How can you ever be united with Christ if you won't let your own existence continue? You idiot, you absolute fool; reading the Bible for hours won't save you! Studying does not equal faith! Christianity is about LOVE, about BOTH loving others AND letting yourself BE loved by others. Except that latter bit is impossible. I don't deserve love. No one wants to love me. I'm too ugly, too filthy, too evil, too broken, too wrong. "But God loves me anyway." I want to believe that. Oh God please help me I want to believe that You can & do love me anyway. Is it true? Is it true?


Okay, subject switch so I don't murder myself. I already feel sick & dirty wearing this sweater; NOW they just asked me about food choices and I want to die. I have to drink milk & juice. The problem: both are trauma foods. I'm still convinced I'm allergic to soymilk & I picked whole milk, but that just makes me think of sex. Except babies & pure little children drink milk. Except I'm not pure or a child or lovable like them.

Well dammit maybe you SHOULD TRY TO BE because it's a WORTHWHILE THING TO BE!!
Kids drink juice. Kids drink milk. Cows & fruit!! God created 'em both, PURE & SIMPLE & GOOD. So drink 'em LIKE A TRUSTING PURE CHILD OF GOD. Stop being such a damn cynical grown-up you moron!! I'm sorry but you're really being a moron. Stop "growing up" because you're growing cold & hard. BE A CHILD or you'll NEVER enter the Kingdom of Heaven and that IS the LITERAL Gospel truth!!!

 

(this foni's speech is triggering; click to read) )

 


what about the apple juice
and now PEANUT BUTTER TOO
why are you angry about peanut butter
I fEEL HELPLESS, TRAPPED, AFRAID BY IT. WHy
Chris
ALSO THE #F*CKING APPLE JUICE HE CORRUPTED IT ALL
well then, we just have to forgive him.
AND PURIFY IT WE NEED BOTH
That's absolutely true. Thank you, and I apologize for my blindness to your pain. We do need purification on our end, too. That's the ENTIRE Cross. That's the Blood AND the Water. We must show mercy & forgive, absolutely, but then we ALSO MUST expunge the horrible fingerprints of sin from our soul & memory. That's mercy, too, as well as justice. We need both.

So. Thoughts on "purifying" apples? Go back to childhood-- for us, literally, too! I know we balk & grimace at thoughts of our wild teenage years now, but can that be a starting point?
NO IT'S TOO CORRUPT & DANGEROUS, THERE'S NO GOD THERE
dude nevermind they had a shortage it's cranapple now
THAT'S MOM SHE'S SAFE
So how about the peanut butter?
I can't think of a single positive association for that.
GRANDMA
oh
oh you're right

And kid foods!! "Frogs on logs" & stuff from when we were little!!
yeah but Chris ate it
FORGIVE HIM
LISTEN I'M SICK OF THIS PAIN & FEAR I WANT TO FORGIVE HIM


(A note from upstairs: that "orange" voice is neutrally-oriented; be careful. his role seems to be a foil; the "clever comment" given from a bystander, to push a conversation. Do not expect to have moral or in-depth discussions with him; that's not his function.)



A prayer:
God, Christ Jesus, my guide & Protector & Friend, You know-- and have orchestrated as a gift & blessing!!-- EVERYTHING that is to happen to us today. You have ordained it ALL for the highest good of our soul. Please help us to trust in that completely, especially when we are frightened by not understanding, or not knowing what to expect in the future. In those situations of helplessness, may You be our help-- the only Help we will ever need!! You hold our life in Your knowing, loving Hands-- our past, our present, AND our future-- and You care about us, genuinely & sincerely so. You only want what is truly best for us, and can only do what is best for us, so You are completely trustworthy. Help us to throw ourselves without reserve into Your protecting Arms, and rest there next to Your Sacred Heart, Which loves us so much, unconditionally and eternally. May we never fear anything except separation from You. Draw us back swiftly but gently whenever we wander, and never let us go. Amen.
Jesus, we love you!!


post-breakfast//


A vital reminder: frame ALL your thoughts with gratitude! Look at every circumstance through the lens of joy & thanks, for "this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus"!! NO EXCEPTIONS!! Literally every single thing that happens to us comes from the Hand of God. NOTHING can happen apart from His Will & permission. So be grateful for ALL of it, ESPECIALLY for the things you are tempted to complain about or angry over or afraid of! I'm serious. TRUST HIM. You're studying Job for heaven's sakes! "Even if He slay me, all my hope is in Him!" God is ALL-sovereign AND ALL-GOOD, and He is faithful. Don't be disheartened and don't despair. Your Creator cares deeply for you.

-I've realized we have a lot of "peptalk" nousfoni who, although genuinely speaking truth with helpful intentions, are INCOMPREHENSIVE OF EXPERIENTIAL SUFFERING and can ONLY speak of crosses conceptually. Their functions are therefore INCOMPLETE BY DESIGN and their input must be considered only rightly ALONGSIDE their aching brethren, their spiritual complements & counterparts.
ON THAT NOTE. Breakfast arrived with an admitted protest against God's given reality: "Is that all we get?" Milk, juice, 2 butter pats, & an english muffin. Black tea requested. 400โ“€. Yes, that's it!! So BE GRATEFUL for it! That's the salvific reframing I was talking about-- there is ALWAYS a blessed perspective to take, by the grace of God. "That's all we get" BECAUSE right now, in God's perfect judgment, that's all we NEED. We're just starting treatment, so for everyone's safety, newbies start small. (It's teaching our bulimic ass to eat less.) Yes, that too, she's right! AND it is teaching us TO be genuinely grateful FOR less, so that we may be more readily & joyfully & genuinely able to freely & immediately & lovingly give thanks to God in & for ALL circumstances, no matter how difficult or trying or unexpected, therefore offering ever-more perfect praise to, and giving ever-more total glory to God. So! Beloved, we turned our heart in trust to Him and exclaimed, "Wow! Look at the blessings God has showered upon us! We get a warm, fresh breakfast! We get two whole butter pats! We get an ENTIRE english muffin!" We even got juice that reminded us so much of our dear mother, AND!!! Unexpectedly and Providencially, they nixed the peanut butter PERMANENTLY (so no flashbacks, guys!!), AND since we forgot our Lactase pills, they swapped the milk for soymilk. So, trauma risk averted (we weren't ready I guess & God knew!), and we were able to feel out some shockingly relevant high school sensory memories-- that poor bedraggled dark-green teen who would eat cornflakes & vanilla soymilk and was miserable. (God bless her, poor child.) But!! That's the POINT of this whole food-recovery-thing. Yes we have to heal this poor body & restore both proper weight & nourishment to it as God intended. But far more importantly, and absolutely heart-centrally, we are here to HELP PEOPLE HEAL. Including, inevitably and explicitly, that poor hurting girl with the vanilla soymilk. We cannot avoid her aching pain whenever we taste it. The two are linked: context & experience. So how do we heal that wound? We heal the wounded. We heal her. "But how?" you ask. "She's stuck in 2007, 2008. Her existence is anchored into that time-bubble, and inherently so. How do we heal the past?" Easy!! It never was healed, so her wounds are STILL open and affecting us all in the present! Healing happens NOW. Time is not linear, and besides, we're a Celebi; this whole time thing is in our very soul. She exists NOW, even with roots 14 years old, and we can walk right into that chronosphere of hers as if we were physically there now-- maybe paradoxically even morseo, as we are there with her in heart, with her very heart.
So. Gratitude, so much gratitude, for that especially, that opened door & hope planted & compassion enkindled. But it will take time to heal. Once we have truly reached her, we must SIT witih her and TALK with her and CARE for her because NO ONE DID BACK THEN and her hurt never healed so we MUST do it now. Oh-- and honestly? There WILL be, and must be, less "talking" with her and more FEELING WITH HER. Like united. Heart to heart. Your wounds are my wounds, just like Christ Jesus Himself did for us, not as consequence but as CHOICE; not as shame but as SALVATION; not as loss but as LOVE. God Himself knows we all still kiss the scars on our body not because they are scars but because we SHARE them. THAT is our hope. So this girl-- is this "Hoban"? Or is she a sister in soul?-- has her hope, too, in sharing her personal pain with us, so those hurts CAN finally scar. Step one? Pray we get cornflakes for breakfast, haha. Seriously though, while we're here, EVERY serving of soymilk is an opportunity now to reach in and reach out and BE with her. But it will be brief, at first, AND terribly painful. At that first safe & sacred contact, the weeping eyes and hurting heart can't help but overflow in the sheer shock of overwhelming hope. So we MUST prepare our heart for that, both for our sake & for hers. We need to be strong enough to bear her cross with her, and soft enough to bleed for her, with her. We must stay with her in her passion, our heart and arms both open to her. We cannot flinch or hide or run. When her world of agony hits-- all her memories and terrors-- we must be not only ready and willing to bear it, but also ABLE. Luke 14:27-33 comes to mind, with being bluntly honest about the cost of discipleship. ALL must be sacrificed for Christ, and to follow Him is to love Him, and to love Him is to serve Him, and to serve Him is to keep His Commandments, which simultaneously mandate love of God and neighbor. In short, love costs us, but it's worth it. Love WILL demand a price-- our willingness TO pour ourselves out for others, ESPECIALLY when it's difficult. Remember King David! "I will not offer a sacrifice that costs me nothing!" That destroys the whole concept of sacrifice-- the etymology of which is SACREDNESS. True holiness, real Christian living, MUST cost us our time & comfort & money & desires & possessions & very selves. We, with Christ, must nail EVERYTHING to His Cross out of love, absolutely, entirely. We must be aware of this, and we MUST be prepared for it, and with God's grace & much sincerely fervent prayer we MUST DO IT. Anything less is death, not life. Mark 8:34-38. The blessed paradox. THAT'S the royal road to true joy, and true healing, for ALL of us, promised.

Remember all that; it's vital! But if I may add a few closing notes about breakfast. We had English Breakfast tea, which ALSO reminded us of mom, with the bergamot she loves. We mixed some of the cranapple juice with it, and a spot of soymilk for creamer, and it was really lovely. Thank You God. Everything fit together perfectly, which our own choices would have failed to do. But see! Don't be afraid! God can change or transmute ANYTHING to fit His Will, IF HE NEEDS TO. If He leaves something as-is, that's His Will too! So don't be afraid. Your free choices of food, however clumsy or confused, CANNOT foil His plans. That is the GREATEST reassurance & relief, so rest in that. Lastly... oh man we enjoyed that english muffin. Just soft malted bread and butter, simple & pure, and it was lovely. Simple joys are the best, & prayerful gratitude makes them even better. Thank You, God!!โ™ก


post-lunch//


We were humbled by our experience at this meal. Proud, we started too slow, and let our mind get distracted by silly trivia & vapid music, AND-- just like that-- we KEPT BEING JUDGMENTAL. How horrible and hypocritical, God forgive us. I'll be brutally honest and confess: we heard the other patients squeeing over Broadway and rattling off celebrity names and reciting pagan mythology, and-- so proud!-- we were so disgusted & disappointed. AND YET we KEPT trying to answer the SAME damn trivial questions, in hopes of "impressing" them and/or "fitting in." Being aware of all that sinful filth in us is dreadful. And it's such an automated response!! Jesus help me, I don't want to think or act like that. I know it's wrong and it utterly nauseates me to admit. But I WILL admit it and confess it to God, to Jesus my Savior and my Redeemer, Who alone can forgive those sins AND cleanse my soul from them. On that note my WORST sin is my judgmental attitude, those intrusive, proud, condemning, contemptuous, ugly, selfish, EVIL thoughts that I DO NOT WANT and am unbearably ashamed of and miserable over. The one male nurse, with the tattoo, my stupidass wicked brain keeps calling a "milquetoast" and a "wimp" because he is SO gentle and kind, he struggles to say ANYTHING that might be interpreted as offensive or confrontational, or even self-promoting. Like with the trivia, if someone guessed wrong, he WOULDN'T even say "no," let alone "that's incorrect," or the very word "wrong." He would say, "they have a different answer listed"!! Or he would say, "let's Google it," and read whatever IT said-- not the card, and not himself, rejecting all semblance of authority or judgment! Even talking to me about unit protocols & information, he is always stumbling over words & smiling sheepishly so that nothing he says has sharp edges. He tries SO HARD to be utterly nonthreatening and safe and faithful and trustworthy, someone that everyone feels safe to approach for help or advice, and yes dammit he is clumsy and a little awkward in the process but HIS HEART IS PURE. And honestly I admire and honor that in him SO MUCH. So WHY THE HELL is my disgusting demonic brain spitting its asinine judgments at him?? I would much rather be overly soft like him than a BITCH like me. And honestly? If you call someone like that nurse "coward" or "wimp" or "weak," YOU ARE A BLIND & STUPID IDIOT who has NO idea what true strength and courage is. To be THAT meticulously meek requires a power of heart greater than you can ever fathom!!! So SHUT YOUR FILTHY MOUTH and don't you DARE mock all the good people on this unit!!! Those girls who love Broadway? That shows their appreciation of the joy of music & the wonder of imaginative storytelling, at the intricate beauty of stage & choreography, of the celebration of human creativity-- THE GIFT & BLESSING OF GOD'S OWN CREATIVE SPIRIT!!! You laugh at them why?? Because they are CAPABLE of such resonant joy & gratitude? Are you envious that they still cherish and kindle that sense of beauty & wonder & community? Do you have such hatred for the imaginative powers of God's children? "But musicals are vapid & empty, without meaning, about stupid things! Just like movies! If they're not explicitly about God they are purposeless and a sinful waste of effort, time, resources, AND human souls!!" You hypocrite, don't you DARE pretend to be on God's side!!! You think He approves of your proud hatred? Of your desire to destroy? Listen. Yes, sometimes movies & musicals are silly. Most of them do not directly acknowledge God. BUT do you think God cannot USE such creations for His Glory-- especially since they ONLY exist THROUGH the creative talents & energy GOD gave them?? Do you think He couldn't have stopped or frustrated any & all people involved if He wanted to prevent their work? Did Babel not fall? Did David not play? Listen. Even in a "vapid" movie or musical, EVERY one, there is truth, BECAUSE there is HUMANITY, the precious creative work of God. Whether that truth be positive or negative, it cannot help but exist & be discerned, because humankind pours its very soul into its own creative works, a soul breathed into him by the Almighty One!! Do you forget, WE TOO have been touched? Do you so easily forget The Last Ship? Razia's Shadow? Take Flight? Phantom? What about the Studio Chizu marathon we did? Oh yes, I REMEMBER how pissed and judgmental YOU were, because "they're pagans!!" and "they're so immature and immoral!!" I hate to tell you, miss, but those "immoral, immature pagans" STILL showed INFINITELY more compassion & kindness & integrity & charity than YOU!!! That beautiful family, that strong and beloved grandmother, the self-sacrifice for one's fellow man, the hope and courage and love in Summer Wars! You scoff and spit at me, but you know I'm right. That young mother in Wolf Children-- yes! A young unwed pagan teratophile mother!!-- she has more pure love in a single hair than you do in your whole damn being!!! You saw her incredible tenacity and sacrificial selflessness, her unfailing hope & sweetness & gentleness, her superhuman courage, ALL for the sake of her family!! And are you going to tell me "movies are vapid!! Secular media is godless!!" AS IF GOD DOES NOT BREATHE LIFE INTO EVERY MAN? AS IF GOD DOES NOT CALL OUT INCESSANTLY TO EACH HEART HE LOVINGLY CREATED?? You're going to tell me a human can AVOID telling of God if he tells of life?? WHAT DO YOU THINK THE PURPOSE AND POINT OF LIFE IS?? Yes it's God, but YOUR definition of "God" is missing the mark entirely if He won't eat with pagans and prostitutes and tax collectors. You hypocrite. Shame on you. Oh yeah, and the kid who knew the pagan mythology offhand? Guess what that tells me? HE APPRECIATES DIVINITY. His mind is drawn to & fascinated by the concept, which is a VERY USEFUL DOOR for the One TRUE God to knock on!!! YOU CANNOT JUDGE. Pointing fingers, wagging your head, scoffing & spitting & mocking, make you a FALLEN angel, you ass. You are CHASING people AWAY from God with your condemnations. JESUS CHRIST CAME INTO THE WORLD TO SAVE SINNERS, to seek the lost, heal the sick, bind up the broken, give sight to the blind, instruct the ignorant, counsel the doubtful, and yes admonish sinners, but WITH LOVE FOR THEM!! And AS CHRIST DID, SO MUST WE. You are NOT a Christian if you don't, no matter how often and angrily you insist you "are doing God's will." Who is your "God," really?? Whose will are you REALLY forcing on the struggling and the lost? It's NOT GOD'S. He never forces, ESPECIALLY not with such pompous windbag cruelty as YOU.


post-dinner//

Back on the meal topic-- God is showing us, through our mistakes & poor judgments & shortcomings, two very important things: one, that we, too, are weak & imperfect & in need of loving correction & instruction in order to grow in health & holiness; and two, that the humbling process of that revelation & discipline not only teaches us to REJOICE in our weaknesses as proof that we are NOT GOD, but that He loves us & we need Him as a Father, and also brings us closer to Him in the process-- AND to all of weak clumsy suffering humanity, through our common struggle, by compassion birthed from that very sharing. In short: God chastises those He loves. That is an HONOR, beyond all comprehension. He disciplines us AS CHILDREN-- but! He can ONLY do so successfully if WE admit we messed up and NEED His correction! Only then can we become holy; only then can we truly be patient & forgiving & gentle & kind & merciful towards others in THEIR mistakes & imperfections, because by our humble openness to receive those very virtues from God, admitting our great need & childlike weakness, we become able to give those gifts to the rest of His children, our brethren. Am I making sense? I feel like I'm babbling, but that's all so important. NOT beating the shortening out of ourselves for every failure is a MUST for recovery, otherwise shame & self-loathing take over & destroy you, because hatred CANNOT cause a good result. It's of death. God is Love & Life & He ONLY hates sin-- NOT PEOPLE! So to imitate God as His children, we must be compassionate like Him, and to give it we must receive it and we can ONLY receive it if our hearts are gracefully open TO it... meaning, we MUST have compassion towards OURSELVES first, and the only way to learn THAT is by seeing & knowing & feeling the compassion Christ has for us, unconditionally.

^ BACK on the meal topic, so we can record this struggle/ goal & take concrete steps toward it: our timing is off. As I mentioned briefly earlier, we start too slowly, underestimating how much time it takes for us to eat one ingredient at a time with little bites, ESPECIALLY when now we are regularly dealing with WILDLY unpredictable textures! That's where we messed up today. We had green beans, turkey, & stuffing. We started with the beans & ate them one by one, enjoying them (they had spices added which was nice), then hit the turkey. Well! We forgot that meat is DRY and sticks to your teeth, taking longer to chew, ESPECIALLY since we have to CUT IT UP into smaller pieces first to avoid choking-- small bites are a must, or we WILL have a problem, with too much of that cloying texture. So that threw us for a loop. We panicked when we only had like 10 minutes left for the stuffing, but we figured we'd be fine as it looked soft. WELL. WE ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH STUFFING!! It was soft inside, but hard outside, and SO DENSE & STICKY. We tried to cut it up like the turkey, but it began to wetly crumble and we had no time for bits. We ended up forced to take big bites with gulps of tea to get it down, which not only meant we couldn't taste or comprehend it, but the large heavy bites were borderline traumatic, honestly. We made it right on time and felt pretty awful & ashamed, but. We learned. God was telling us, "stop judging," "focus on Me & My help," and "let Me reveal to you some important information you need in order to eat better & more properly." We never expected the texture obstacle! But now we know, so thank You God. We can apportion our time better, and eat more safely too. Every meal we must pray for deeper guidance; trust that He will give it, then readily obey!

^ Dinner was a new chance, and a good one. We had mixed vegetables & a chicken/ broccoli/ rice mini casserole stew thingamabob that was SO nice. Unfortunately, again, we had to rush it, because 1) chicken is MUCH drier & stickier than turkey, and 2) corn (!) takes a VERY LONG TIME to chew!! We did move faster on the other vegetables, because not only did we know their textures already (soft & starchy & good), we ALSO wisely recognized that chewing one pea at a time would be ludicrously imprudent as far as timing was concerned. But yes!! We ate peas, for the first time since grandma (♥) passed on... and they played "her" song on the computer, the one I keep hearing since her funeral. It felt like a kiss of encouragement. Thank you, grandma!! I know you're watching over me & praying for me up there. I still want to get better for you, too. I want you to be "proud of me," in a sense-- but really? I want God to be glorified THROUGH His healing me & my cooperation with His grace, in humble obedient submissive faith, and I want you to rejoice in THAT, grandma. Soli Deo Gloria. God willing, when I-- by His Mercy & Christ's Blood alone-- get to heaven & see you again at last, I want it to be with JOY, for that victory of Christ's Power in my life over all sin & addiction. So thank you for your blessing over the peas & lima beans, honestly. I've been avoiding them-- even cursing them-- since you died, and I can't heal like that. But today? I ate them all with genuine gratitude & joy, and I didn't even think about self-hatred. I know your prayers were a big part of that. Thank you, grandma. I love you so much, forever. I promise, I will continue to let God heal me, inside and out.

^ Snack was full of tension & distractions! BUT! I refused to let those intrusive judgments take root!! Yes the chaperone was upset but it's late and she's tired & overwhelmed & wants to go home. Pray for her to have peace & consolation & comfort & hope & happiness! Focus on her good qualities & look at her through eyes of love! BE COMPASSIONATE!! Let that absolutely DEFINE your heart. I did have trouble with my own nerves, though. They were doing history trivia but the questions were very complex & the one kid answering was having trouble & the nurse was exasperated or just sounded like it, God bless them both I care for them truly, but my nerves went into danger mode. "I'm in trouble/ I did something wrong and there is impending punishment/ imminent scary consequences." Subconscious misinterpretation of stimuli as triggers, really. So it was hard to truly calm down & focus, but I tried. Tonight I actually had assigned snack choices, which was a blessed exercise in submission, meekness, trust, & gratitude in all circumstances. I got a strawberry Nutrigrain & a surprise lemon meringue greek yogurt! Plus red zinger tea (for mom, who got a spider bite WHILE I was on the phone with her; I love her so much). The nutrigrains still burn my throat & I couldn't really register the strawberry taste, but it was nice & soft. HOWEVER. Apparently they are now TRAUMA FOOD due to both CNC & grandpa's closet; maybe even poverty food drives. So more unexpected healing to do! I'm oddly excited. Really though, can you imagine, finally HEALING from that? Finally removing those fears, through God's gracious compassion given to us? What joy!! What a blessed adventure we have ahead of us, to take with Jesus at every step!! Because that is KEY-- HE is the sole guarantor of success; without Christ, we cannot hope to recover. With Him, all Good things are possible. Like actually enjoying the yogurt with no fear! At home it was a panic binge food, a form of self-abuse. But God gave us some today-- lemon flavor, no less! (a trigger potential we must watch)-- and we were actively thanking Him for it, for the wonder of its existence, for the gift of eating it, and it was totally safe & good. All thanks & praise be to God!!
♥ Now we are legit EXHAUSTED and need to say our night prayers so we can SLEEP. Treatment starts for real tomorrow! God be with us every moment!!




091522

Sep. 15th, 2022 05:25 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
I have an update, at last.

Our Lady Of Sorrows, my beloved Mother, has interceded for me as always; blessed be the Lord through His answering her unfailing prayers!

I finally received a callback from the inpatient hospital. They have a bed available and want to admit me within 48 hours.


This will be a heavy cross to carry. I know this. I am admittedly very frightened. But I will throw my soul into the arms of Jesus Christ and join Him on this Cross, by His grace, oh God willing to grant me such fortitude of love!!

Please, continue to pray for my soul, and for my family. Without prayer, no worldly treatment can succeed. With God's merciful power, though, all things are possible. ๐Ÿ™

090522

Sep. 5th, 2022 05:24 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
In the emergency room since Thursday. Very sick & sad. Hurt all over. Feel possessed.

Car broke down & flooded in the rain. No gas to move it. No cash to buy.

No food at home still. Not eating, too distraught. Hospital didn't give me much. Lost ten pounds in a month. I'm at 86.

Making phone calls to go to an inpatient facility soon. Desperately need higher level care. Please, please please pray for me.

081222

Aug. 12th, 2022 11:01 am
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

For those of you who have been concerned about my personal life situation, here is the update for August.

  • My brother C, who is paranoid schizophrenic, has been readmitted to a mental health facility. As of right now, he will not be allowed to return to my mother's home.
  • My family has filed individual PFAs. I've been weeping over this; since he would sexually threaten me, I may not be allowed to see him again at all.
  • My sister B, who was so scared of C that she didn't eat or sleep for days, is moving out West within the month.
  • My other brother M, is apparently battling some hidden health problems. He puts on a strong front so I worry about him.
  • My grandmother's homestead is being reevaluated electrically tomorrow, and worst case scenario, it may be condemned. My poor mom is anxious & sick over it.
  • My kitchen lamp, living room lamp, AND standing fan all burnt out beyond repair within a week (I bought them all secondhand when I moved in). I currently have a very dark, very hot apartment. I need to purchase replacements but my budget will not allow it.

My finances, inescapably, are tight. An upsettingly large chunk went towards rehydration this month, because daily Pedialyte isn't cheap and my body won't stop losing fluids (my doctors are suspecting legit IBD but have ordered further tests).

My strength is gone, due to poor health. On my worst days I need a cane to walk now. I have constant vertigo as well. But I'm using the time to pray, and read the Bible. I haven't been posting as much here solely because I'm soaking up Scripture instead! Even so, I do have dozens of drafts to edit in the process. I could never learn without sharing.

I'm still helping my family by running errands and attending food drives, even if I can't do the hard labor around the house anymore post-COVID. I want to help & work however I can; I love them dearly.

Admittedly, my most selfish request is that my church is having a bus trip to the Divine Mercy Shrine next week and I would love to go (not only for the pilgrimage, but also to get to know my fellow parishioners!) but it costs $55 and that's over half my weekly allotment. I would only be able to go if I had financial help.

Donations-- for food, light, and church-- are, besides my monthly disability payment, the only source of income I currently have.

I enthusiastically clarify, however, that my greatest need is prayer. My whole family needs fervent prayers. We are all sick and stressed and struggling and scared. We have been given heavy crosses! But we are learning humility, patience, surrender, compassion, hope, fortitude, meekness, etc. as a result. The harvest is rich; the process is arduous. But Christ is our Gardener, and thus every pain sings with love nevertheless.

I thank you all, profusely, for your faithful generosity and kindness towards me and my family. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ˜”โค God will bless you, as He blesses us through you.

broke

Jun. 15th, 2022 06:14 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

I am sick, scared, exhausted and so tired of being broke. I don’t know what else to do as i still cannot work– I specifically asked my treatment team this week and got a hard “no”.

Nevertheless I’m trying to get by, day by day. God’s infinitely merciful grace, and your compassionate generosity, ensure that. I’m being bluntly sincere. With no other immediate social help, donations are all I’ve got.

I pray I can give them all a return somehow. Even if only by prayers & sharing the blessed faith. I am so grateful it aches. I wish I could give back just as much.

Pray for me, please. Things are so rough right now and I desperately need God. Prayers keep my soul alive and that’s the top priority.

God bless you all, always. ๐Ÿ™


LATER ADDITION:

I woke up to a surprise phone bill for over $180. 
I had asked for my old phone account to be canceled back in March. I haven't used the phone since then. After a 2 hour phone call today, apparently they never did so and I still owe them this bill.

I can’t. I can’t even do laundry again this week because all my funds keep going to gasoline & sudden expenses like this, either for myself or my family– who I am still at least running errands & getting food for.

I really don’t know why I’m getting slammed with so many pressing financial hardships this month. It’s frightening. But I know God has a reason for sending them to me– even if it’s only in penance, humble patience, & contrite surrender.

Prayers are appreciated, more than ever at this time, despite the pressing earthly need. My soul needs the Lord and His grace the most. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ˜ฃ

help

May. 28th, 2022 06:11 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


I'm going to humbly yet boldly ask for help tonight, as I do not get food stamps for 2 more days but my kitchen is empty except for a bottle of olive oil, two bags of broccoli and a container of Pedialyte.

But I feel avaricious asking for help. I can absolutely survive on that for two days. But I can’t deny it’s difficult and I am losing weight. Plus, at the risk of whining, I’m also going to run out of my meds before Wednesday (June SSI) and I haven’t washed clothes in two weeks– I need physical funds to do both.

My brothers are provided for though!! I made sure they have plenty. I will be going up their house to clean next week; I couldn’t yet because I no longer have a reliable vehicle. But I do always still think of, pray for, and care for them as much as I can, even if only remotely. They are family forever and I love them.

This month, the first without grandma, has been so difficult for us all. No one is eating or sleeping well, and posthumous expenses are getting scary, now that we lost grandma’s massively supportive presence and income both. We might not be able to keep the house. I thank God that he answered my prayers for this apartment, and I have offered it as refuge for my brothers if they need it (they do have many social connections, unlike myself, so they have options but I would never want them to feel unwelcome here).

As for me, I have the Lord, and those who love Him. In these difficult days God has helped me profoundly, most notably through all of you, whose generosity on my birthday literally paid my bills this month. I am so grateful for that I could cry.

For this final week of May, all the monetary help I get will be used to buy dinner.

In any case, please pray for me. I am learning to suffer better but I am weak yet. Nevertheless God has not abandoned me, miracle of miracles, somehow He still carries me, wretched thing that I am. I love and thank Him always, even in the very midst of darkness.

God bless you. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฅบ


prismaticbleed: (angel)



Mikhail Nesterov: The Empty Tomb (1889)


I love the link of light between the flaming sword & the tiny candle. Both burn with hope and love.
And yes, through Christ-- Who is both the Crucified and the Risen One-- death is not the end! Through His Resurrection, the "worst thing", the end of earthly life itself, is not the last thing... which means that, once the worst is over, all we have left is joy.

When we live well– with our desire & goal being heaven alone– then death is a fulfillment of a life lived for Him, and an ending only of all struggle & hindrances to holiness. To one who lives for God, death is but the doorway to unending joy.


But when these things begin to come to pass, look up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is at hand.
(Luke 21:28)

 
I just read Luke 21 today, and that verse in this context is giving me chills. Here, Christ has died, and today, Christ is risen... but at a time only God knows, Christ will come again-- terrible, beautiful, with all the glory He both hid and held at the Cross.

Remember that, too, when you lift your head to look at Him upon it!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Holy Saturday is a POWERFUL reminder that the silence of God does NOT mean the absence of God.

Even after His physical death, Christ was not gone– He did not abandon or forget us. So it is even now, in our own sufferings and yes, even our deaths. If you cannot hear His Voice from inside the tomb, do not fear– He has risen; and He will open every grave in due time. Until then, He is there with you, silent yet staying.
Holy Saturday is eerily quiet, but it is in that quiet that God paradoxically speaks. You just can’t hear Him with your ears. Today, listen– even now, as always, there is a hint of heaven in the air.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Holy Women Leaving the Sepulchre
Philip Galle––1587


How terrible that departure must have felt-- especially for His Mother! To leave Jesus there, cold and covered in blood... the utter heartache in this is tangible, made even more stark by the mundane background details... the men carrying the ladder away from the Cross, Joseph and Nicodemus unaware of the worst horrors, the City towering on the horizon just like any other day. The only thing markedly unusual is the empty Cross, soon to be removed as well. Business as usual.
But the women know the truth. Something great and awful has happened, and nothing is the same. And Mary, perhaps Mary alone, knows even more, that there is an even greater event coming. Still, she must leave Him until then, and no amount of hope, however actual, can erase her equally real agony.


The Pieta - Gaspero Bruschi


Oh this is stunning.

I honestly love artworks that show the angels mourning the dead Christ alongside Mary; it really hits home that all of heaven wept with us.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Harrowing of Hell (or 'Christ's Descent into Limbo') is my FAVORITE thing; it strikes me to the heart with unutterable joy.

Christ dies, goes down to the netherworld as all humans did until then, and the devil thinks he's got Him, game over! Except Christ has come carrying the battering ram (pun intended) of the Cross. Fearlessly and with incandescent purpose, He wrenches open the jaws of Hell and breaks through its prison bars, takes Adam & Eve by the hands, and marches with them and all the ancient Saints in blissful triumph right through the also-thrown-open gates of Heaven. He destroys death WITH death, because once He touched it with those Bloodied Hands, it changed-- transformed from a lethal weapon to an instrument of life. Satan was, indeed, bound and plundered, never to recover. It's glorious beyond words.

To think; while His Apostles and beloved friends were mourning and waiting, lost out in the cold before the Tomb, Jesus was wrecking Hell itself, and changing history by redeeming all that the ages had long held in hope.

THAT is the triumph we are celebrating even tonight, when the Tomb itself becomes flooded with light, emptied of all but promises fulfilled. At nightfall, weeping enters in, but with the dawn-- rejoicing, infinite and eternal!

Christ is not risen yet, but believe me, He is having a hell of a time until then.



Jesus is legit just stepping over the busted door, with Satan UNDER IT. 


Look at that exultant entrance! Look at the skulls and snakes crushed beneath His Pierced Feet! Look how every poor soul reaches to Him with every fiber of their being! 


VICTORY IS COMING!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(all image credit to the photographer)


Fountain.

Come to the Fountain-- see this overflow of grace, of life, of joy, of love! Yet what a shock we encounter; for it is still all His Blood. All of that beauteous promise is wrapped up in red. Yes, we can drink from the wellspring of salvation, indeed we must, but that infinite source is His Heart.

Can you-- will you-- stand so close? Why do you hesitate?

I'm struck to the core by how Christ is looking at her, clear agony in His gaunt Face and yet so tenderly, terribly compassionate even then. He seems almost imploring-- her fingers are stained with mercy but there is so much more to be had-- He bids her to drink, My child; take as much as you need; this is all for you, the one I love enough to die for.

He says that to all of us, there on the Cross.

Even now, we too are wrapped in red.



Compassion.

"If I, your Lord and teacher, have washed your feet, you too must wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example: Just as I have done, you also must do... I give you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, so you also must love each other." (John 13:14โ€ญ-โ€ฌ15โ€ญ, โ€ฌ34 CEB)

We are His servants of love-- bound in joyful duty to Love Himself. Our every action is to be defined by this blissful mandate.

So then... why do we neglect compassion towards Him? Is He not in need, too? Has He not suffered more than we can imagine? Indeed, we must also love our Lord in the same way He loves us.

Wash His feet. Bind up His Wounds. Gently wipe the Blood from His Face, and kiss away His Tears of pain.

Do not be afraid of the Cross. It, too, is an act of compassion.



Tenderness for my wounded God.
 

His Crown is not of thorns, but of tenderness-- the true power of His Kingship hides in the kisses encircling His bleeding brow.



Tenderness for my wounded God.

There is such aching softness in this; one even forgets that Christ has just been crucified. Lying there in her arms, reclining on her lap, the Beloved One rests in His completed work and in the embrace of His own Beloved child.

The dawn breaks; the doves appear. Light shines in the darkness, and hope spreads wings of freedom over the weary world.

Spring sets its emerald promise like a jewel upon the trees. New life is coming... the Tree of Life has borne its fruit.

In the heart of it all, red wounds color a red woman, the hue of salvation echoed in the very sunrise. Tenderness so deep it aches has soaked into the very fabric of our souls, of reality itself.

There, together, is unending peace... unending joy... unending love. The pain lasts but a moment. With the dawn comes this.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 


Jesus Washing the Feet of his Disciples

Albert Edelfeltโค1898

The tenderness of Christ, and the tension of the Apostles, are amazingly tangible in this. Look at their hands!

Look at all the closed body language– how nervous they are, how sheepish they appear, strangely humbled by their Lord’s shocking humility, by this sudden mundane intimacy. Christ has never touched them so carefully before. Christ has never seen how dirty and pungent their calloused feet are. If they balked at revealing the filth of their soles, is it because they were now just as immediately aware of the far more malodorous sin on their souls?

Even so, there He is, meek and quiet and impossibly gentle, washing the dust of the wearisome road from between their toes, beneath their nails. It’s such a motherly action, far moreso than a servile one: yes, a servant will clean your feet, but only a mother will bathe you, washing away even your darkest fears with her knowing touch– and only a mother is allowed to be so purely intimate. Well… a mother or a lover.

“Unless I was you, you won’t belong to Me.” How much more depth that phrase holds, in such a light. What trust, what fidelity, what selfless love He gave them, and implored them to give in return! What sweet meekness, to serve others not as obligation, but as an honor– as a true joy! This is what it means to be His disciple, a child of His Kingdom. This is His example; this is the heart of God.



The Last Supper
, Jaume Huguet, ca. 1470

Judas’s shocking lack of a halo is almost unnoticeable at first, his hair blending in with Jesus’s robe– and with the wine, both cruel and chalice. His role as the betrayer links him to both the “cup of suffering” Jesus was about to drink, and the “outer garment” that was to be gambled away at His death… to blood and greed.

He reaches for the lamb, alone dipping his hand into the dish, his portion of bread the only one with a piece “cut off”. He is helping himself, not waiting to be fed by the Lord. Perhaps he fears he will not get “what he wants,” or as much as he desires… certainly that thought motivated his apostasy; he wanted an earthly kingdom, not a heavenly one. He sees this dead lamb and only thinks of eating it. His appetite is for the dead flesh, not the Living Bread.

There’s a cat at his feet. Medievally, they were often symbols of vice. Historian Damien Kemf says, “Unlike dogs, cats cannot be trained to be loyal and obedient; they will go to whoever gives them food… Their ability to see in the dark was often associated with heretics, who ignored the light of Christ and preferred to stay in darkness.” I daresay that, domesticated, the “roaring lion” is harder to hear or even suspect, but he still “prowls about, looks for someone to devour”…

I look at the dark robe shrouding our Lord and I just think, “and it was night.” Yet even that will be shed in time. Despite all, the light shines through. It is tragic, that Judas could not see it… ironically, his head is the only one bereft of gold.


scrunchie-face:

Losing my mind over the gospel of Luke being like “they wrapped his body in linen cloth and laid him in a tomb” after the beginning of the story being “they wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger”


Also, consider that the man who wrapped & buried Jesus’s body was named Joseph. At the beginning and the end, Mary and Jesus were with a Joseph. I wonder how she felt, if she knew his name.

But the name is also shared by the ancient Patriarch. The name in Hebrew holds meanings of “gathering together” and “harvesting”– with a core message of “feeding the hungry.” The first Joseph did that in Egypt, saving thousands from famine with the bread only he had. Mary’s husband Joseph did that with Christ, the Bread of Life, placed in the feeding-trough… and Joseph of Arimathea did that by placing Christ in the tomb, like planting the seed for the eternal life-giving harvest of the Resurrection.

Just… there’s so much. It’s wrenchingly beautiful.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They say, "sin wouldn't be so attractive if the wages were paid immediately."

A very bold, dangerous prayer is to ask for this-- even just a little. "God, when I am attracted by sin, show me immediately the true nature of it! Show me its ugliness; show me that it is not worth what I think it is!"

Be vigilant! Sin can only allure you if you are looking with worldly eyes; if you look through the lens of faith, its facade fails. God will give you that sight if you stay close to Him, your desires fixed on Him alone.

The wages of sin is death, and the more your life is spent abiding in the sweetness of Christ, the more clearly you will smell the opposing stench of death in every temptation to sin. Fear not! Stay close to Christ; He will guard you.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


There are only two kinds of people: those who say to God, ‘Thy will be done,’ and those to whom God says, ‘All right, then, have it your way.’

— C.S. Lewis
 

I am genuinely terrified of ever hearing that statement from God. It's an immediate death sentence-- a clear testament to the fact that whatever "way" I might be insisting upon, it isn't God's Way.

The good news? If I-- if you-- ever hear Him say that, we can just as instantly stop and repent. We can respond, "wait, I have been foolish and ignorant; now that I clearly know You are not with me on that path, I forsake it. I do not want "my way" if it means going on without You. Please forgive me; have mercy, and lead me in Your Way instead."

God warns us, not to damn us, but to rescue us. He says these things to purposely shock us, to make us fearfully realize the grave nature of our rebellion, however blind it may be. God will not deny His mercy to anyone, if they sincerely seek it from Him with a contrite heart. He will never turn away a soul that returns to Him in truth, no matter how far they may have wandered before.

Practice saying "Thy Will be done." If you've never actually affirmed it before, do so now. Even if its feeble and afraid, hold it in your heart, and pray for the grace to day it ever more strongly, until it becomes part of every breath you take. Never give up. You do not want to be in that second group, and you never have to be. God doesn't want you lost, either. Take courage, and trust Him.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 


Spiritual desolation is terrifying; God feels utterly absent, distant, unreal; all memories of consolation become untranslatable or inaccessible. The heart becomes dry and hollow; prayer suffers, joy withers, peace disappears. How, then, can this profound numbing of the soul benefit us? How can such a chasm of emptiness possibly do us any good?

That’s what this quote clarifies. That’s the paradox. It doesn’t.

Desolation is the anaesthetic. That’s it’s true job. But God is the surgeon.

When we are desolate, we still know God is real; we still have faith burned into our being, even if we feel nothing, even if doubts and fears plague us nonstop. We hope against hope. We cling to what we cannot even sense anymore, and yet we cannot ever deny it outright. Even collapsed under the weight of our cross, we know Someone gave it to us for a Good Reason, and if that raw fact is ALL we have to go on as we hobble on to Calvary, then so be it; it is enough. It must be enough, if it is all we were given. God knows. We don’t. That’s the point.

We forget that we’re not the ones doing the work. When we are anesthetized, desolate, we cease striving after our own notions of success. We stop taking on more than our share, we abandon ambition, we no longer try to guess or even edit God’s plan for our life. We are like unruly yet beloved children, who genuinely want to help Him with the home repairs but keep losing the tools and touching all the wet paint… we don’t understand when He says “no,” even though He says it with love. We can’t quite grasp the truth of our “not knowing”– of our not even being able to know. We just want to help. Come on, Dad, let me plug in the wires. Let me hold the drill. It looks so easy! But pride is lurking, and ultimately the only way to humble our childish enthusiasm is to give us a time-out. Out of the room, away from Dad, unable to interfere. Out of love.

Soon enough, He will come and get us, and show us what beautiful work He has done… all for us! All within us! So we must doggedly hold on to faith, and hope, and charity, even if just with our feeble will– no feelings, no fervor, just a weak but honest resolution to not give up on God. Wait one more day. One more. One more. Keep waiting. Keep trusting. He remembers you, of course! He is working on you, remember? You’re just under anaesthetic for a while. The numbness is not permanent. Be patient, beloved. Carry the cross with gratitude. It is, truly, our only hope, even in this.

Transformation requires desolation. Remember that. So it was with Christ; so it must be with us.

Re-read the Archbishop’s words and take them deeply to heart. You need this understanding, this acceptance. Sometimes, for the greatest good of our souls, all we can do is let ourselves be put aside so God can do His work. This takes immense trust, and love, and humility. Tell God you are willing. Pray fervently for the grace. Then… well, “count backwards from 100”, as they say. Let God decide when to work. Do not impede Him, even in good will. Surrender to that sanctified numbness. And wait on the Lord.


“Never be afraid of your Bibles. If there is a text of Scripture you dare not meet, humble yourself till you can. If your creed and Scripture do not agree, cut your creed to pieces, but make it agree with this book. If there be anything in the church to which you belong which is contrary to the inspired word, leave that church.”

— Charles Spurgeon
 

This, right here, is the powerful heart of Christian living, the true fire of Charity.

The Bible contains many “hard sayings,” many difficult commands, and plenty of convicting truths. Being the Holy Book, it will inevitably point out our unholiness with piercing accuracy. Don’t run away. Don’t let pride make you hide! That Biblical cutting-down-to-size is what cuts out our sinful habits, if we humbly accept that we both need and deserve the process.

Likewise, some of your personal beliefs, opinions, preferences, ideas, etc., being formed by the world, will stand opposed or contrary– however minimally– to what it says in God’s Word. You may laugh this off as mistranslation or “outdated doctrine” or the like, trying to justify yourself and validate all your thoughts instead, forgetting that you are terribly fallible and prone to commit error every moment. When your viewpoint clashes with that of Scripture, you get off that high hill of yours and seek a different vantage point. When your own “book” of rules disagrees with the one Good Book, you tear your tome apart at the very spine. I use brutal language because we cannot be mincing or hesitant in these matters. There is One Truth that is God, and if we encounter opposition to it in ourselves, however “minor,” it is still a lie in the face of God and it must be removed and replaced.

Lastly, we live in the last days. The Church, though her heart is safeguarded as the Bride of Christ, nevertheless is maintained by thousands of human sons & daughters who maim their Lord’s teachings by their own errors, by gutless lies and social pride and moral laxity. Your local church is not exempt from this plague. You must keep your eyes & heart fixed on God’s Word, vigilant for any missteps or malice both within yourself and in your worship community, and like a devout soldier, always ready to defend your Lord’s honor and guard His Church from the enemy, the Liar. Be gentle but firm, courageous but meek, merciful but just– and start with yourself. Get the beam out of your own eye, by the grace of God! Only in true humble piety can you discern dangers in the church, which includes you. If you aren’t properly living as a sheep of His flock, you won’t recognize the impropriety of a wolf… and a true sheep knows their Master’s Voice: a Voice we learn to love through His Word.

Never be afraid of the Bible. Yes, it is full of fearful power, but that power is meant to save! Such is the nature of holiness. Its fire is meant to purify and enlighten! Every word within it has been given for Good. Trust in its heart, and read it constantly. Let it define your entire life, for when this life ends, only the soul who has loved God’s Word will know the Way to life eternal.





prismaticbleed: (angel)

When I am farthest away from everything else, I am nearest to God. When I feel abandoned and rejected by my family, and have no friends to turn to; when finances crash and my health fails and I see no way out; when facing my past is terrifying and facing my future reveals a void; when my own stupidity and weakness and sinfulness crushes me to near despairing… God is close to me. When I am hollowed out with grief, He fills me with His loving Presence. No matter what I suffer and lose on earth, God is my inheritance forever. He will never leave or betray me. He holds both my past and my future in His caring hands. When my heart is broken to pieces, then He can touch it most gently, putting it back together as precious art, with the gold of faith. When I crack under stress, His Light pours in through the shattered places, beams of hope through the darkness. When I weep, He promises me joy in Him, but He also gives me a bittersweet and beautiful joy in my tears, for He always, weeps with me. He never downplays my grief, or laughs it off, or says its no big deal. He cares, deeply and completely, to the point of feeling everything I feel. How else could He understand so sincerely? How else could He heal so thoroughly? How else could He love so totally? He heals my hurts but He shares them first. He bleeds with me. He carries my scars. He knows my suffering, and through it, He points me to the Cross– the sacred place where I am nearest to Him, where I am delivered from all discouragement, where my wrecked and weeping earthly body dies with Him… to be reborn new and joyous and free with Him, with the promise of eternal life… of eternal Love. My broken heart is a doorway inviting me to participate in Christ’s suffering just as He participates in mine– to come into His Passion where I will learn compassion, mirroring His own pierced Heart on the Cross, pouring out mercy and empathy for all the aching hearts who seek refuge in His. Let my pain, too, then, bring me to Him. Let it all be blessed. Let me throw my arms around this Cross on which we both hang in hope between heaven and earth. The Lord is close, closest to me then.

(Reflection on Psalm 34:18)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When you are struggling with addiction relapses, do not despair, beloved! Although such setbacks are crushing, they are not fatal, if you hold courageously to hope in God’s power to save. He will fight for you.

It might take time. I know; I have been there in the pit too. But keep praying. Keep trusting God’s timing and care, that He WILL vanquish the addiction at the proper time. Until then, keep your heart and mind grounded in hope. Prepare for His victory. It will come.

You have fallen, yes, but Christ fell under the Cross too. He understands; He knows exactly how it feels, and how to help you stand again.

Addiction is illness; it is not truth. You are not, and cannot, be defined by it. God will restore you; it is inevitable. He is the Divine Physician. Your wounded soul will be healed. Just keep asking Him. Persistence shows dogged faith, and such faith is powerful. It brings miracles from His Hand.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Spiritual warfare becomes brutal on holy days; the devil refuses to give God any allowance. As holiness increases, so does suffering. Remember this! Be vigilant and watchful in prayer, fasting, and almsgiving-- this Lent and always. Your only preparation for such demonic ambushes is closeness with God, an intimacy which you cannot achieve if you are instead wrapped up in the world. So pray always. Be humble, mortify the passions, and do works of mercy, however small but sincere. You will still be attacked. Christ was, too. Satan will war against God's children until the end of the age; we must never seek to be excluded from that paradoxical honor of suffering for Christ. But we must also never try to fight without Him.

On those holy days, when trials and temptations increase, cry out to God! Run to Him and pray for His merciful grace-- for the armor of God! He will give it to you. He will dress you in it. Then fight with prayer, humility, and courage, trusting only in God, Who alone can deliver. Even if you stumble, God will catch you, and help you up. You may still bleed, and weep, and struggle bravely, but you will not be destroyed, for You belong to Him and He will save you.

Maybe you won't grasp just how much God has saved you from until the "war is over," and He calls you home. But He does give grace, in every battle until then, if you pray for it & open your heart to receive it. He will come to you and help you.

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you-- not because of your resistance, for he could crush you in a moment-- but because now he sees Christ the Conqueror-- your victorious King-- standing beside his trusting child, and all hell is utterly powerless before Him.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

petitefleuriste:

Thank You Lord, for not answering any of my ignorant prayers.

He does answer them, though.

Not a single prayer goes unheard or unanswered. God does not snub us, even in our ignorance. He loves us enough to always respond with compassion.

He says “No, my beloved child, I cannot give you that. You do not understand what you are asking. But I do. You beg for stones that sparkle but do not satisfy. Instead, I will give you bread. I will give you what is far better, far sweeter, far more beautiful than anything you are even able to ask for right now. Trust Me in this refusal. It is a redirection. I will give you exactly what your yearning soul needs.”


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Sigrid Blomberg, The Annunciation, 1899

This is gorgeous.

I adore the position of her hands-- she is essentially exposing her heart to God. She has "removed the veil" for the Lord to enter her inmost sanctuary, and for Her to also enter into such intimacy with Him; God's Presence shall now dwell in Her as His Tabernacle, and take on His own "veil" of humanity there (Hebrews 10:20). Long before the Crucifixion occurred in time, the Body of Christ-- the "veil" through which we enter God's Presence-- opened that sacred door to and through Mary, His Mother, from whom His very Body and Blood would be born. She is the "Portal of the Sky"; the first gateway from heaven to earth.

And her face... what total trust, what peace, what ecstasy, what love for God! This is the moment she says 'YES' to the divine Incarnation, the moment that changed human history forever. There is something utterly timeless in her expression; something eternal in that serene bliss. That, too, is a glimpse of Heaven.

Her left foot is uncovered. I think of Exodus 3:5 and Isaiah 52:7-- where she kneels is holy ground, she who is to there become the Bringer of the Good News. It may also be a play on words... she has "bared her soul/sole" before God. Lastly, if I may be so symbolic... In Hebraic thought, the right represents the spiritual and the left represents the physical. In my thoughts here, for her left foot to be uncovered-- even unveiled-- speaks of humility and humanity, of what is spiritual becoming physical; of God Himself gaining feet so as to walk with us, to become so shockingly human. God Himself will trod the earth, will be the Good News, will take on our dust without becoming it-- will turn that dust to gold. And Mary's foot is there, pure and naked, crushing the serpent's head forever.

I have a lot of feelings about this artwork; it truly touches my heart. God bless the sculptor; may her soul rest in peace.

Mary, Mother of Christ, Handmaiden of God, pray for us your children, those your Son was born to save. We love you.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


lauramakabresku:

Shelter

There are not only sparrows at His feet, but also a woodpecker, and both are tenderly touching His Wounded Feet with their tiny beaks. How they worship in their own small ways! How profound and pure is that worship! The bird that eats from holes it bores into trees, now finds food everlasting in the nail-holes from the Tree of the Cross. The bird that is deemed the least of all, offered as a poor man’s sacrifice, finds an understanding Heart through proof of Blood spilled to redeem the most impoverished and despised souls.

The Lamb embraces a lamb, innocent and unblemished, despite the single red stain on its hip joint– the sciatic nerve, which allows the body to stand upright; the place touched by an angel, a touch that both wounds the body and heals the soul. There, this little lamb is a testament to both the weakness of creation and the power of God– blessed by a curse, purified by what was thought to be impure, given life through death, and triumph through defeat. It carries blemish to the eyes of man but in the eyes of God it is faultless. So is the Lamb. And so are we, if, although we wrestle sorely with His Cross we refuse to let go, for God alone is victorious, and in surrendering to His glory in our defeat we are given a new name, a new purpose, a new life, yet carrying the scars as He did. Grace is given, not won, and it is only when we are humbled by the Lord that He can lift us up in truth. We are blessed with Blood, clothed in spotless white, yet always holding that salvific red, the holy humiliation that kills all perfect pride.

Christ holds us all in His caring embrace, and yet those very Hands and Feet speak of the suffering He endured through the same motive. It was for Love that He died; it was through Love that He rose again. His wounds sing of that Love always, and invite us into His very self– the Source of all Sweetness, the Tree of Eternal Life, the One Who kisses the fragile head of every sparrow. When they fall, He picks them up tenderly; when they die, He weeps. So He does with us. What holy pain unbearable, to see our sinful agony! How much more would He tend for our broken bodies if He so loves the sparrows– indeed, He was moved to destroy death itself. Thus it was that Christ died in our place… He let Himself be pierced through, falling to the ground, so that by the power of His healing grace, every tiny soul can fly again.

In His Wounds, the weary soul finds perfect rest. In His Heart, all find a home.

The animals recognize the Love in His Wounds and they adore. Through the Holy Spirit, the tiny bird singing in our hearts even now, let us do the same.



Don't leave me alone, a fugitive. I want your hands
To carry my heart. I long for the bread of your voice,
I long for everything. I long for myself... I long for you.


Mahmoud Darwish, Give Birth to Me Again That I May Know (tr. Abdullah al-Udhari)
 

 
 

Praying love poems to Jesus...

I think I've prayed the exact soul of this poem so many times, especially when my packed schedule keeps me from attending Mass, or when I am slumped against a doorframe at 3am.

Don't abandon me to this isolating darkness. Carry my heart when it is so heavy with blood, saturated with tears. Let me recieve You-- let me hear Your Word, let me touch You, taste You, be with You.

I long for everything. I can only exist within You.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Sometimes you really do need to get dreadfully lost in order to find what is of true meaning in life. The false "world" we are tangled in, the daily grind of man-made society-- out at sea, does it matter? No. Then what does? What persists, but what is untouched by man-- what exists despite human plans? Out in the waves, who are you? What speaks in your mind, your heart, your soul? That is the most important. Out there, it is just you, and God.

Matthew 14:25. Perhaps we're not the ones doing the finding. Perhaps we need to lose "everything" to be found by Everything.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



There is something about sunsets over the sea that pulls at my heart. They’re so different than my familiar mountain sunsets– brighter, clearer, wider somehow. They feel like the closing credits of a movie, full of joyful promise of the future unseen, but aching bittersweet with the fact of an ending. Perhaps its the water, the ocean infinite, reflecting the glowing sky into greater endless light. But it’s beautiful. It is the paradoxical comfort of feeling at home on the open waves– a sense of deep reassurance despite having nowhere to call your own… nowhere but the sea, the sky.

All those boats. All those little travels. And those cats, wanderers at heart. How lovely, how tender it all is.

I think about how Christ lived in a little fishing village, too. He watched these sunsets with joy untold– He, Who sang them into existence before any human drew breath.

I wonder if the sunsets remember that every evening.



Just step outdoors, see the light on the hills, the stars at night-- that's enough.

-Anaïs Nin, from “The diary of Anaïs Nin, vol. 3: 1939-1944”

 

 

The fragile and grandiose beauty of this… it makes me weep.

Just… it’s enough. Lift up your eyes, lift up your hope. Breathe it in. Whatever wound is tormenting your poor heart tonight, it can be soothed, it can be hummed to sleep by the loving stars, by the light, by the gentle and ancient hills.

God is there in it all, the soul knows. We feel the brush of His fingertips in the night breeze. It is enough. It is, forever, enough.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Deep in our hearts we all were made for this blessed freedom-- for the open sky, the endless road, the rolling hills, the calling sea. All of our most beloved clichés exist because they speak to an intrinsic longing, a global truth, a sort of mutual human need for something greater than the daily grind. We know in our bones that the world spins on regardless of our little schemes, our businesses and finances and societies and cities. It's all temporary, unreal at best, serving a fleeting purpose then returning to conceptual dust. But the green of springtime endures. The blue of the heavens endures. And as long as the beat of our hearts endures as well, they will never stop reaching out to us, waiting for us to reach back, calling us home.

God knit all things together in love, in harmony, in beautiful cooperation. We are meant to live in Creation with every enthusiastic ounce of joy it elicits from our soul. We are meant to share in the absolute Divine bliss that shaped cosmos out of chaos and fashioned atoms into apple trees and alligators and Adam himself. We are meant to recognize and embrace and embody the Love that breathed us into individual being, and to give thanks with every breath, and to love every other blessed thing on earth in return. God is love, and in the end and in the beginning, that's all we ever really want, all we ever really look for in life, all we ever really need.

It is in that Love that we find our freedom, and we feel it with a heart-aching conviction every once in a blessed while, under the sky, with grass beneath bare feet.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I just love people so much, honestly I do; every soul is infinitely precious and loved by God and really, you can't help but love every soul in gracious resonance with that.

Sitting in airports, heart bursting with affection for everyone who walks by, traversing that bittersweetly beautiful interspace between each personal story of here and there... driving home at night and getting indigo-hued glimpses into sweet simple life through lamplit windows... striking up tiny yet treasured conversations with passerby folks in grocery stores and doctors offices and churches, the temporalily shared lives of strangers intersecting for an unexpectedly intimate minute... all of this and so much more.

It's beautiful. People are beautiful. God loves us, loves them, loves you. Love people for God's sake. We're all priceless fragile things.

Our bodies are indeed temples of God. So remember that when you meet another soul. Everyday life is holy because of this. Love God through love of neighbor. Little moments comprise our lives. Make every one a prayer.



“The black sky was underpinned with long silver streaks that looked like scaffolding and depth on depth behind it were thousands of stars that all seemed to be moving very slowly as if they were about some vast construction work that involved the whole order of the universe and would take all time to complete. No one was paying any attention to the sky.”

Wise Blood Flannery O'Connor
 

 

This both breaks my heart and moves me to tears. Just… this is every moment of our lives, do you realize that? God is perpetually working and moving in His Creation and the sky is always a gorgeous construction of infinite delicate complexity and how often do we really pay attention to it? All of this holy grandeur and we don’t even notice. It’s a Divine Love song that’s always being sung and we don’t even hear it. It’s heartbreaking and yet, it’s such an unbearably beautiful truth– for when we do finally take notice, we are staggered by the thought: how long have I been ignorant of this? How much sky have I failed to pay attention to?

But it’s there nevertheless. No one is looking but it exists in magnificent mystery nevertheless. God is looking and singing and loving and that is enough. And there’s something profoundly hopeful about that: to know that our failures cannot damage or diminish that glory in the slightest. But at the same time, God waits for it to be noticed. He waits, with a similar sorrowful joy, for His creations to notice… and, by finally looking and listening, join in His eternal love song.


Every life leaves an impression. We are God’s fingerprints.

-Noah benShea

 

Thinking deeply about this. “Christ has no body now but yours, no hands but yours…” God continues to tangibly touch our lives through other lives. We’re all His children; we all exist because of Him, for Him, through Him. So when we touch another life, God inevitably touches them through us, however faintly. But are you letting His fingerprints be felt? Or are your own hands too dirty? What impression are you leaving– the pure love of the Father, or the sin-stained fumbling of your own mortality? How much do your own hands get in the way of His? Reflect on this.

 

sunflorally: repeat after me: my body is not wrong, or ugly, or too thin, or too big, or too pale, or too dark. it is the vessel of a precious life and that is always more than enough.

 

The very words “my body” still feel ugly and sick and wrong. The very concept of “my” is still poisoned with a deeply hidden, lingering self-loathing, injected by the abusive nightmares that made the word “body” sound like a torture chamber. The two words together are still so terrifying they make my emotions shut right down, unable to cope with what would surface otherwise.

It shocks me that, despite all the healing I have done and am still actively doing, this ancient horror still hasn’t faded. The wound won’t close, let alone scab or scar. I know I still believe the trauma lies somewhere and until I don’t, I’ll keep bleeding. But it’s very hard. Nevertheless, I know it must be done.

…The other thing that struck me about this is the phrase, “a precious life.” Me? My life is precious? It sounds utterly impossible, incredible, ridiculous. I can’t take it seriously; the very concept is beyond respect. My life is not precious… except, I’m a Catholic. And if there’s one thing I find super hard to believe, it’s the FACT that Jesus Christ has declared my wretched stupid life to be so precious that He chose to DIE a bloody death in order to save it from destruction. That’s a FACT that I cannot dispute. I can only look at it in helpless sobbing confused frustrated wonder, my bitter self-hatred faltering in the shadow of the Cross. It’s the only place I can learn how to love. It’s the only place I can learn how to finally accept that my life is, bewilderingly, actually precious… that my cursed “body” is also something Christ wants to bless and save and heal… that the possibility of both those profound changes in mindset are not only possible but already achieved in Him.

Yes, I’m still mentally sick in a lot of ways. I will shamefully admit that. But Jesus came into this world to heal sick souls like me, and if I have faith in that truth with all my heart, then I have a hope that cannot fail. And I’ll hold on to that, and keep re-reading this little message, until I believe its simple but pure truth, too.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



"God will not numb your feelings or put you to sleep"-- how did I never realize that truth before?? When I am tempted by self-loathing to just give up and fall into that abyss, when I just want to rip my arms and legs and stomach wide open red, can I just... wait? Can I choose that terrifically difficult yet powerful virtue of faith instead? Can I choose hope? Can I choose patience, and gentleness, and longsuffering?

Can I rest in the knowledge that God is greater, that God is still Good, that He is forever victorious over every sin and struggle? Can I acknowledge that peace and rest in it? Can I surrender that totally? Can I beg for mercy from Mercy Himself instead of mercilessly attacking myself? Can I ignore the screaming rage of my head and instead sit in total silence before Him?

Yes, by His Grace, I can. And I must, or my poor soul will die.

Return to Christ. He will not abandon you. I need to remember that... I need to believe that. God is not like people. Jesus will not hurt me. Jesus will not suddenly decide that I'm not worth loving anymore. Jesus does not have a cold shoulder or a hard heart. Jesus loves me and forgives me and wants me to be healed and He is waiting for me. God is Love and that cannot change, no matter how evil I fear I am, no matter how badly I feel I deserve to die. God still wants to defeat those devils and bring me home.

Just wait for Him. Even if it takes time. God hears. God knows. God is working for you right now, and He is on His way. Wait for Him. He will be here, at the perfect time.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



That single duck is what hits me about this. It’s just living, just swimming in total innocent simplicity, beneath this absolute breathtaking grandeur of snow and trees and soaring mountains.

And then there’s that tiny home, nestled in the frozen pines, built by the hands of a human who was almost definitely deeply humbled at the sight of that same natural majesty.

We have been blessed with the intelligence to feel awe, to contemplate our smallness, to be struck to the heart by beauty such as this. The duck may be blessed to live effortlessly beside it, but it cannot appreciate it as we can, we who may only get to see it in photos, and who seek and treasure such glimpses with joy.

The world is beautiful. Always take the time to truly see it, and so sincerely thank God for both it, and your blessed eyes.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Choose your own adventure, they say. Yet I never felt I had a choice, in the way the pathway of my life progressed. Little did I realize there is always a choice, even if the options are miserable, even if hope is minimal, even if the choosing itself is uninformed and rushed and afraid and instinctive. There’s still choice.

And, well, now that I am aware of this, then I choose this. I choose recovery, I choose healing, I choose joy and light and life and hope and love. Wherever I find it, wherever I can follow its sunlit footsteps, I shall do so. I will make those tiny choices and they will add up into a march of blazing beauty that will utterly overcome every shadow that haunted my past.

The terror may be ancient, but it is still just a shade. This too shall pass, no exceptions. Love is the only truth and if it’s not love then it’s going to melt into dust and be forgotten in the waves of compassionate bliss that the universe itself radiates with every heartbeat, on and on and on. I will step into that sea of hope, I will wade into the depths of tenderness, I will walk into the very ocean with a smile on my face and let it wash away everything that held me shackled far from shore.

God’s got me in His hands. He’s calling me home. Our Lady has crushed the snake beneath her heel and Our Lord has proclaimed Himself to be the Omega as well as the Alpha and no matter what came before, this is the turning of the page, this is the renewal of my soul, this is unconditional love and eternal hope proclaiming “It Is Finished” to the sins of the past, and all the trauma and horror they brought. God hung all of those on a tree and opened the garden gate to a new life that we could never have imagined before.

I choose that. I choose love. I choose the ending, and I embrace the beginning again. I choose to come home.



"Do we not try to find good, tangible security in observances, in the reassuring feeling that, thanks to our fidelity, everything is in order in our relationship with the Lord? And when Jesus asks us one day to count on him alone, without telling us in advance what he is going to ask of us, and without explaining to us where he wants us to go, we tremble." (A Carthusian)


This hits hard. To rely so completely on the faithfulness of Christ that you no longer need "tangible proofs" to believe in His trustworthiness... that is walking by faith, not by sight-- that is the true road of the Cross. But it's a step into darkness, and that frightens us-- at least, unless we remember that we are following the Light Himself.

God is never obligated to reveal His ways or plans to us. He owes us no clarification, no explanation. Humility accepts this. Humility makes us recognize our unworthiness to know such divine things, let alone demand them. God doesn't have to tell us anything. But He does. He does comfort and guide and reassure us; He knows our weakness and He soothes us, leads us with the utmost tenderness, His little children. But children grow. And the day will come when He will suddenly step back, tell us to do something, and leave it at that. No explanation. No preparation. No understanding on our part. Will we still trust in Him, then? Will we remember how trustworthy and faithful He has always been, going forwards now with no immediate or tangible reminder of it? Will we surrender to our love for Him and walk with blindfold on, with road shrouded in fog, with shadows setting in? Will we step forward in faith alone, believing with all our heart that Our Savior will never lead us astray? That He will never abandon us, even if the new journey is long and cold and lonely? Will we hold on to faith?

It will happen. It will frighten us, as humans, as children. Deep down, we are afraid of the unknown. We are scared of the dark. But remember, dear hearts, remember that He is trustworthy and He knows where and why you are going. You can count on Him. You can count on Jesus even when, and especially when, there is no one and nothing else to rely on.

Have faith. Even if it's only a mustard seed. Plant it in love, and wait. It will grow in God's time, even if you can't see or sense anything until suddenly... it sprouts. It dies in the dark, to live in the light. So shall you.

Have faith in God, Who is real and trustworthy. Have hope in His faithfulness when we can't see it yet. Have love for God, Who IS Love, Who loves you endlessly, and Who will strengthen you for all that He leads you to... and through.

Plant faith, and trust Him, and do whatever He tells you.

 

godmechanic:

actually a little embarrassing how well the “omg surprise psalm today!” thing works

Oh man I have wept at how relevant the Compline psalms are some nights. It’s unreal.

I have the Universalis app, which I love, as it allows me to play the audio for each hour, which is indispensable when I have severe brain fog and/or poor cognition and cannot read. I always listen to Lauds & the Office of Readings as I start my day schedule, and the “surprise” at what Psalms I will hear then (and in the other variant places in the Office) is both a source of deeply interested joy, and of unfailingly edifying application to my life. God just… knows, man. Even though millions of folks are praying the exact same words, they are specially & specifically significant to each soul. It’s wonderful, even when it’s convicting. God loves us in all circumstances.

It’s not embarrassing, love; it’s genuinely heartwarming to hear that you have such experiences with it too.


 

godmechanic:

we like to forget how hard psalm 42 hits. but i am just here to remind everybody that it hits

fellas is your soul is athirst for God? athirst for the living God? have your tears have been your meat day and night? do you wonder why your soul is so full of heaviness and disquieted within you? boy do i have a psalm for you

Psalm 42 legitimately saved my life a decade ago. It’s been burned into the fibers of my heart since then. It is a beautiful, aching Psalm, a raw and sincere prayer wrenched from the very core. I love it dearly and pray it frequently; it never fails to bring tears to my eyes.


To justify my neighbor’s suffering is a scandal. “My neighbor’s suffering is beyond justification; it is, in a word, meaningless.” Referring to Levinas, Batnitzky writes, “The Jewish tradition often maintains a difficult balancing act when it affirms both the theological and ethical value of suffering for others, while denying the necessity of suffering itself.” One cannot justify suffering. Thus an end to all theodicy, and “to all attempts, theological or otherwise, to justify suffering.”

Michael Purcell, “When God Hides His Face: The Inexperience of God”, The Experience of God: A Postmodern Response, ed. Kevin Hart and Barbara E. Wall
 

(Disclaimer: I am a Catholic, and so my reflection on this is within that context. I give all grateful respect to the Jewish perspective here, as it is the notable inspiration for my response.)

This hits me where it hurts. I’ve been raised to always justify suffering, which ultimately hardens one’s heart and makes one’s hands cold– if you believe that suffering is “deserved,” you smother compassion, and do nothing to relieve that suffering. Instead you say, “it builds character,” or “you’ll learn and grow from this,” or “well you must’ve brought this on yourself,” or just “offer it up,” without making a move to comfort them or care for them or remove the suffering altogether. Yes, suffering can teach, it can help us grow in virtue, it can have redemptive merit, but not inherently. Suffering in and of itself is just suffering. It’s the result of a fallen human nature and the inevitable consequences of sin=death, but sin is unnatural and suffering is therefore unnecessary. Yet it persists, in this life. Yes, this life is not all there is, but that shouldn’t cause complacency!! We can either sit there and shrug at people’s pain, or we can stand up and refuse to let it have its way. We can fight it. We should fight it. I say this because God fights it too.

God mandates compassion. God insists we care for our fellow man and relieve their suffering. As a Christian, I think of how Jesus healed so many who were ill, how he told parables of radical love, how He never said “you get what you deserve” to a suffering soul. No. Christ came to us as a healer, as a lover, as an instrument of mercy, Who literally died on a Cross that He could never deserve in order to destroy ALL human judgment of anyone “deserving” suffering like that. He took it all. Yes, all have sinned, and so suffering exists through sin, but God alone judges, and if I may be so bold, I say that HE deems suffering as absolutely unnecessary too. Sin is unnatural, remember? He didn’t create it! He doesn’t want it! He “takes no pleasure in the death of the wicked man” (Ezekiel 18:33 & 23:11)! He wants us to have life, abundant life, in direct opposition to sin’s destructiveness (John 10:10). So Christ took every “deserved” pain onto Himself and now we must act on that grace of mercy. No one has to die or be destroyed. No one “deserves to die.” He sure didn’t. But He did die, taking the place of everyone who was ever judged as deserving it, so now we can never speak those words about anyone.

Take up your cross, yes, because suffering is inevitable in this life, but carry it knowing that through uniting it to Christ’s love, it now holds the weight of the sins of the world. When we bear our own crosses, we don’t abandon others to theirs! We’re not in this alone; Christ didn’t carry His “own” in the first place! He carried ours, so now we carry everyone’s crosses together. We are Simon and Veronica and Magdalene and Mary and Christ to each other. We live in hope of eternal life, where all pain ceases, and so until then, we reflect that hope to others as often as we can– we must manifest it. How can you hope for what you cannot comprehend? How can you yearn for relief if you don’t know it’s a possibility? We must give that hope and sustain it. We must make hope real, through real love, and real faith. Only then is suffering bearable– only then does our awareness of its meaninglessness become a strange sort of joy. Yes, it’s unnecessary. But therefore, it’s not forever, and until then, there are people acting as angels to make that truth absolutely tangible.

I hope this makes sense; it’s hard to put into proper words. But it struck me to the heart, that quote, especially as my life is saturated with suffering right now and my old ugly instinct is to just say “it’s deserved; let it be”. No. That is not God’s way. God hears the cry of the poor and lame and sick and sorrowful and hungry and frightened and lost, and when God hears HE ACTS. That is how we must live, or we are not His children. That is what we must do, or we are not disciples of Christ. We must bind up the broken, bandage the wounded, wipe away the blood and sweat and tears and spit and everything else. Compassionate works must be our only response to suffering. I don’t care what they’ve done. That’s not my concern. My job is to love.

Suffering is unnecessary, because we’ve been commanded to heal it.



"We will recognize that, whether we like it or not, what happens happens; to be upset about it is useless, and moreover deprives us of the crown of patience and shows us to be in revolt against the will of God."
- Saint Peter of Damaskos

This is a powerful truth. If we do not perpetually pray, "Thy Will be done," we will instead seek our own will, which is stunted by ignorance and corrupted by passions. Resistance to our God-given circumstances, because they don't match our plans or hopes or wants or dreams or expectations, is at its deepest root a rebellion-- however small, it is still ultimately fatal-- against God's authority and wisdom. Patience is a fruit of love, and love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. When we love God, we have the courage to say, "May it be done to me according to Your word," and whatever "it" is, we embrace it as coming from His heart out of love for us. To reject that ultimate divine motivation is to blind ourselves to the blessings He constantly showers upon us, especially in the paradox of the Cross: "The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God." (1 Corinthians 4:18) It is only through Christ's loving obedience in submitting patiently to the Cross that He was able to win our salvation; we must follow Him in that exact respect to obtain that new and eternal life. Such radical surrender to God's will in all circumstances-- that absolute relinquishment of control and even understanding-- is madness to those who live for this world alone. They have no hope of eternal joy with God, and therefore no reason to patiently endure suffering, let alone choose it for the sake of Christ. But we do, whether we "like it or not", because we're not motivated by "like", only love. And love counts it all as joy.

Some further illustrations from Scripture:

"We must not put Christ to the test... nor grumble, as some of them did and were destroyed by the Destroyer... No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." (1 Corinthians 10:9-10, 13)

"...We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." (Romans 5:3-5)

"The mind of the flesh is death, but the mind of the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind of the flesh is hostile to God: It does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the flesh cannot please God." (Romans 8:6-8)

"I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of His resurrection and participation in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead... [but] many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven." (Philippians 3:10-11, 18-20)

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." (James 4:7-8)

"...You do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”" (James 4:14-15)

"And He said to all, “If anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." (Luke 9:23-24)

"For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of Him who sent me." (John 6:38)

"Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God... The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers. " (1 Peter 4:1-3, 7)

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. " (Romans 8:28)

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit." (1 Corinthians 5:16-19)

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing... God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." (James 1:1-4, 12)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------




A personal expositional summary of how this slammed into me:

“…God shouts to [you] in [your] pain [as] it insists on being [heard and] attended to. [This is because pain is sanctified in the life of a faithful Christian, playing a great purpose: every instance of your suffering] fits into a pattern for good, [as God is using it to confirm you to the image of] His Son. [Therefore, take courage and know that] nothing [painful] can come into your life without your Heavenly Father’s permission, [and when] God uses [your] circumstances, their source makes no difference to Him; [their instigator, be it human or spirit,] is irrelevant. [In every distressing circumstance, without exception,] God [says,] "I will make it fit into My Plan for your life, to make you like [my Son,] Jesus Christ.” [Remember that] God used the challenges, conflicts, and circumstances of life to prepare His Son for His destiny, [so since you are a disciple of His Son, He will] do the same in [your life, towards the same blessed end. If you remember this in your fear, then] instead of trying to escape your circumstances, [you can courageously] learn from them and [so] grow stronger [in faith by more closely imitating Christ].“

This is powerfully applicable to my own current circumstances. Thank you OP, and may God bless you. ๐Ÿ™


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Honestly this is a vital reminder, especially for Lent. Repentance is repeatedly mandated by Christ, yes, but it is no heavy burden-- rather, it removes those weights from our hearts! The idea of being "ordered to do something objectively beneficial" may seem totally foreign to many of us Catholics, who are used to the negative "Thou Shalt Not's" that are probably haunting us during these 40 days. But repentance is wholly good for us. It, and those commandments it encompasses, only sound scary because they sharply bring to mind all the ways in which we've failed to avoid sin. But at their very core, they are meant to heal and help us.

Nevertheless, yes, it might absolutely be terrifying to examine one's conscience, just like preparing to clean out a coal cellar for the first time in years-- the amount of filth facing you may be overwhelming. But here's the thing... you don't have to clean it. You just have to point out that dirt to Jesus, specifically and honestly, and He will immediately and absolutely purify even the most rotten corners of your soul. For free. As often as you need.

Can you imagine, calling a plumber to drain your flooded basement and unclog the festering pipes, but not an hour after he leaves, you stuff them full of garbage again? And you call him back in a panic in the middle of the night? And he comes right over and fixes it all again? With a genuine smile? And doesn't charge anything? And this happens at least once a week, if not every day?

That's the staggering magnitude of forgiveness God offers to every repentant soul. That's the Sacrament of Confession!

We forget that we can repent whenever. Literally whenever, wherever, whoever you are, whatever you've done. Yet we are afraid to call the plumber even though we already did 458 times and not once has He ever complained or hung up. We are afraid He's going to lose His temper and charge us a fortune or leave us helpless with dammed-up pipes and sewage up to our waist... we're terrified of hearing "why??" or "how??" because our shame would choke and drown us more than all the black water in the world ever could.

But it has never happened, and it will never happen, so why don't you pick up the phone and give Him a call?


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

Anonymous asked,
I always wonder why god made dinosaurs and if they had a relationship to god or if animals feel god’s presence.. what do you think?

iscariotapologist:

i think god probably made dinosaurs because they were sick as hell. actually though i’m not really aware of any dinosaur….theology? theology about dinosaurs? although i would CERTAINLY like to be. i do think there are relationships between god and animals, although they are necessarily going to be different than ours.
 


I always like to think about how the first two kinds of creatures God created in Genesis are birds & fish. Birds are the avian descendants of dinosaurs, and they are technically reptiles. Genesis’s “birds” could very well be referring to dinosaurs, in that roundabout respect. Plus, jawless fish were the first vertebrates to evolve, period. So the timeframe is accurate! (Mammals showed up a day later, haha.)

I was actually just thinking today about God’s relationship to animals. While they do not have a “living soul” like a human does (Gen 1:26; 2:7), they still have life and consciousness, which are from God. I believe that, by simple virtue of existence, every created thing yearns for God and can feel Him on some level. Only humans can know God, but I hope it’s theologically legitimate to say that nevertheless animals can still sense Him.

Scripture itself references animals “sensing God” notably in Ezekiel 38:20, implies it in Psalm 145:21, and of course we have Balaam’s dear donkey in Numbers 22. If we want to stretch the interpretation, we have even the donkeys that carried Jesus Himself in Matthew 21, and the one(s?) that carried the Holy Family to and from Bethlehem when they were fleeing Herod in Matthew 2… Noah’s dove, Elijah’s ravens, Jonah’s whale, Daniel’s lions… God works through animals a lot, so they must be spiritually receptive to Him, if they are so readily responsive to His influence. (God help us to be so obedient, too!)

Furthermore, there are so many common stories of both little children and animals apparently perceiving and reacting to ‘presences’ unseen by adults, potentially angels, for all we know– plus we must include all the Christian folktales of donkeys and lambs and even spiders at the Manger, all recognizing and adoring the Christ Child. Blessed Anne Catherine Emmerich even speaks of “gladness throughout all nature,” with the animals being “joyfully agitated” at both Christ’s birth and Mary’s birth. We have Saint Roche’s dog, Saint Columba’s horse, Saint Jerome’s lion, Saint Ciaran’s boar, Saint Francis’s wolf… and my arguable favorite, Saint Anthony’s mule. Just as animals fear those with malicious hearts, they respect and befriend those with loving hearts– and since God is love, I think there’s definitely something to that, in its utter simplicity. I don’t know what exactly they feel, but… they do. They know, in their own way.

I apologize for the huge response but this is a topic that’s actually quite dear to my heart, and I was moved to offer my thoughts on it, may they glorify God.

But yes, I daresay dinosaurs are objectively super cool. God has the best imagination, after all!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



lauramakabresku
:

Birds listening to God’s pulse

The heartbeat of God is music so beautiful, so rapturous, that even the very songbirds cannot help but hear its sweetness in silent awe.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


traumacatholic:

My favourite thing about the ‘Psalter and Rosary of the Virgin (from f. 27), in two versions, and other devotional texts, including a litany’ is that there’s just many pages dedicated to drops of blood. (x, x)

From the source:

“…The text begins with three pages, each painted black, on which large drops of blood trickle down. The third page has been thoroughly worn, which may be the result of kissing; part of it has been rubbed and smudged rather than merely kissed…”

That is the devotion that defines a Christian. Thanks be to God that this beautiful testament to such heartfelt adoration still exists for our edification. May the love proven through these prayerfully-kissed pages inflame our own hearts with ardor to do the same!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


When you are in pain, and frightened because you don't know what's wrong, remember that God knows what is wrong, and even if He currently withholds the answers you seek, He is with you in love. His timing and wisdom are still trustworthy. Rest in His knowledge, in solid hope, for He holds your entire situation in His caring hands. You are not lost or forgotten.

I pray that He does give you answers soon, and that until then, He comforts you in your pain, and alleviates as much of it as He wills. May He grant you deepest peace and healing! ๐Ÿ™

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We all have needs that can only be met by God. That is such a key truth of life that is frequently forgotten.

And those needs aren’t strictly spiritual, either! My life crises as of late have proven to me, quite strikingly, that I have an awful amount of physical needs that I cannot meet on my own– only God can. I am helpless; He is all-powerful. I am foolish and frightened; He is Wisdom and Peace Himself. I am wracked by misery; He soothes me with mercy. I feel abandoned and alone… He loves me to all eternity. Deep down, those are my truest needs; GOD Himself is What I need to thrive. My survival needs will be met as He sees fit, if I trust Him to meet them– because, again, I cannot, and desperately trying to do so anyway will (and does) only make me more distraught and drive me to despair. However, prayerfully placing all my hopes in God, surrendering my life into His hands, and doing what I can without worrying about MY success but HIS… that gets me through. God’s Love never fails.

God knows I need this body to survive in order to serve Him here, and He will ensure that. He’s not ignorant; He “knows I am but dust.” But I am His dust, destined for redemption by the grace of Christ, and that truth is enough refuge for any new crisis. Even if I do die, it’s on His timing; and– have mercy on me a sinner– after the storms of life are over, I have an eternity in His arms to look forward to. Until then, I must live with my entire life geared towards that. “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God.” That’s what Jesus means. God will provide the needs of your journey to Him, but stay on the journey! The ultimate goal is of ultimate importance; no matter how short or difficult our journey is, it will end one day, and then it won’t matter how tough things were prior. So trust. Don’t worry. God’s got this; God’s got you.

If you are in need today, any need– poor health, emotional distress, financial fears, physical pain, future panic, anything– remember that you don’t have the ability to solve those massive problems and that is both okay and intentional. NO human can do so… because GOD CAN, and He loves us so much He wants you to ask Him for help. Like an adoring Father cares for His children, He must let us try & learn on our own in order to grow, but when we stumble and cry out, He is always there to pick us up and help us to do what we cannot do alone.

And maturing in spirit isn’t about learning to do those things alone. Spiritally, we are always going to be God’s children. We’re little! We’re weak and ignorant and helpless, like a baby is… but babies are meant to be helped and loved and cherished and if we– if only through failed struggles– admit that we are just children, God will care for us as such… otherwise we’re trying too hard to be “grown up” in ways we cannot force, and we push our Father away through proud striving and/or shame. Don’t do that. Ask Him for help. Be simple and pure of heart.

There are things we will always need God’s help for, and when you put that in the proper perspective it is an absolute joy. God is our greatest need, our ultimate goal, our Protector in every trial, and our Provider in every situation. Even when we suffer, it’s under His watchful and compassionate Eye– “a Father disciplines those He loves.” Doesn’t suffering give you a unique opportunity to cling closer than ever to Him? Doesn’t it give you “strength training” for patience, trust, hope, perseverance, courage, surrender, faith? Doesn’t it give you a testing-fire to prove the power of grace in you? Yes it is hard to be gentle, kind, joyful, temperate, meek, and even loving when we are in the throes of suffering, but it’s only hard because we’re focusing so much on the suffering, and not on God, Who gives us the grace TO embody those virtues of His! I can attest to this firsthand. Fix your focus on God. Trust in His Power to save, against all odds, despite all confusion, especially if you can’t see or imagine a way out. He can, and He will. Look at your life! Hasn’t He already brought you safely in soul to this very moment? He has never once failed you. He is utterly faithful, worthy of all our trust, and that will never change.

Today, place your trust in your Father anew. Go to Him with all your aches of heart, and put them into His open hands. Ask Him for help… then rest. Rest, dear child. God will take care of you. You will never, ever have to struggle alone. He will meet your daily needs when you cannot; He doesn’t expect or want you to try otherwise. God will provide for you and the sparrows both.

Just remember… in Him, your deepest needs are already fulfilled. And that is how we thrive.



Anonymous asked,
I just sent [you a donation]
-an atheist who doesn’t want anyone to suffer the way it sounds like you’re suffering

 

I must still say “God bless you,” in my honest gratitude for your sincere charity. The sentiment holds true, even though our beliefs differ– I hope the highest good for you, in return for your interest in mine… and I firmly believe that my God can, will, and does do that for any compassionate soul, whether or not they share my religion. You’re human; by virtue of that fact alone, you are included in that divine care.

More generally: thank you for your generous kindness. Humanity is truly illuminated by our capacity to love; in this little testament to it, you have lit up my life a little more. ๐Ÿ™


I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity, 
Through a belief in the Threeness, 
Through confession of the Oneness 
Of the Creator of creation.

I arise today 
Through the strength of Christ's birth and His baptism, 
Through the strength of His crucifixion and His burial, 
Through the strength of His resurrection and His ascension, 
Through the strength of His descent for the judgment of doom.

I arise today
Through the strength of the love of cherubim, 
In obedience of angels, 
In service of archangels, 
In the hope of resurrection to meet with reward, 
In the prayers of patriarchs, 
In preachings of the apostles, 
In faiths of confessors, 
In innocence of virgins, 
In deeds of righteous men.

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven; 
Light of the sun, 
Splendor of fire, 
Speed of lightning, 
Swiftness of the wind, 
Depth of the sea, 
Stability of the earth, 
Firmness of the rock.

I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me; 
God's might to uphold me, 
God's wisdom to guide me, 
God's eye to look before me, 
God's ear to hear me, 
God's word to speak for me, 
God's hand to guard me, 
God's way to lie before me, 
God's shield to protect me, 
God's hosts to save me 
From snares of the devil, 
From temptations of vices, 
From every one who desires me ill, 
Afar and anear, 
Alone or in a mulitude.

I summon today all these powers between me and evil, 
Against every cruel merciless power that opposes my body and soul, 
Against incantations of false prophets, 
Against black laws of pagandom, 
Against false laws of heretics, 
Against craft of idolatry, 
Against spells of women and smiths and wizards, 
Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul. 
Christ shield me today 
Against poison, against burning, 
Against drowning, against wounding, 
So that reward may come to me in abundance.

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, 
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, 
Christ on my right, Christ on my left, 
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, 
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me, 
Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me, 
Christ in the eye that sees me, 
Christ in the ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity, 
Through a belief in the Threeness, 
Through a confession of the Oneness
Of the Creator of creation

St. Patrick (ca. 377)



 

 

This is forever my favorite prayer. It strikes me to the heart every time I speak it, and moves me to tears without fail.

Thank God for Saint Patrick. Thank God for his beautiful faith, and for his devotion in bringing that same faith to the people of Ireland. May he intercede for us today and always, that we too may all share in the heartfelt confession of the Oneness of the Creator of Creation, and so, through Him, be brought fully into the oneness of His Church, by the powerful grace and love of Jesus Christ, Who Is King of all nations forever. Amen. ๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ™โœ๏ธโ˜˜
 

...However. I'm reblogging this particular instance of this beloved prayer, not only for the cleareformatting, but also because it lacks a period in the last stanza. That actually touches me deeply, even if it was an accidental omission.

That lack of a closing mark, immediately after the proclamation of the Trinity, speaks silent volumes of the infinitude of that very Creator, omnipresent and eternal, with no beginning or end. We are left with a blessedly "unfinished" prayer, refusing to conclude itself, standing forever open and thus overflowing into time beyond itself.

We confess our faith in the Creator of Creation, and though the words leave our lips, they remain in our souls. Their sound lingers in the air like music, an unresolved yet perfect chord, inviting our perpetual participation in this prayer, the secret purpose for which it was spoken in the first place.

This prayer is our breastplate, affixed to our heart always, repeated in every breath, realized in every circumstance. Christ is in all of it. He is present everywhere, always, never ending, enduring forever, and every atom of the universe confesses Him.

Don't "finish" this prayer. Let it continue through the rest of your life.



Nonetheless, Philothea, you must not rest satisfied with general desires and aspirations, but rather turn them into special resolutions for your individual correction and amendment. For instance, when you meditate upon the first of our Saviour's words from the Cross, you will assuredly feel a desire to imitate Him, to forgive and love your enemies. But that desire is worth little unless you proceed to some practical resolution, such as "I will no longer be angry at the irritating words which such a one says to me or of me; nor at the annoyance caused me by another; on the contrary, I will do and say all I can to soothe and them" - and so forth. In this way you will soon correct your faults, whereas mere desires will have but few and tardy results.

- St. Francis de Sales, Introduction to the Devout Life, Part 2: Counsels Concerning the Soul's Approach f God in Prayer and the Sacraments, Chapter 6: Third Part of Meditation - Affections and Resolutions

This is VERY edifying advice for Lent.

Desire alone will only produce dreams of possible results. Deciding on a specific goal-- something practical and achievable-- will guarantee results, with the grace of God helping you through prayer.

God wants you to be free of sin! He will assist you in doing so, but you must know and recognize where you are bound first, or your prayers will be vague and unfocused. Show Him a specific struggle you have with sin, determine your weakest spots, get a battle plan, and resolve to fight with Christian virtue!

Small steps of virtue are still significant steps. Our Lord could work miracles with but a word or a touch. You do not need to do grandiose acts for Lent in order to draw closer to Him. Resolve to let His Living Water wash away your iniquities, be it drop by drop... but direct those drops to hit your wounds. You will heal. God always gets results.

(Saint Francis de Sales words this perfectly succinctly, but my hearts was nevertheless moved to elaborate from personal experience, for I too desperately need this advice. All thanks be to God!)



"Today, I shall do an act of charity for a poor or suffering person, even if I have to go out of my way to do it."

This is a beautiful challenge of charity.

Let us all keep our eyes, ears, hearts, and hands open today-- and through all of Lent-- for opportunities to help those in need, whatever that need may be, whoever may need it. Let us pray for the grace & discernment to act in compassion when God leads us to such an opportunity, not out of moral obligation or self-righteousness, but out of tender mercy and genuine love for our fellow man. Let us act in charity because we cannot help but do so. May the love that Christ had-- and forever has-- for the poor & needy overflow from our hearts today and always!




Bartolomé Esteban Murillo, Man of Sorrows (detail), 17th century

You can see the sorrow in His face, here– in the downturned humility of His gaze, in the slight but notable curve of His eyebrows, in the dark lines below His eyes… in His quiet mouth, like a Lamb led to slaughter.

A single thorn draws a bead of brilliant Blood from His forehead. The wretched crown wreathes His hair like a halo.

By His Wounds, we have been healed– but oh, so too by His sorrows, we have been comforted! What blessed, tragic paradox! What agonies our Lord endured for our sake!

God became a man, a man of sorrows, so that we, in our own miseries, would never suffer alone. We would, forever, have an Advocate of empathy, a Lord Who had bled and wept and feared just like us. Christ knows our pain.

Let your aching heart take refuge in Him.

 

akosuaa: I don’t want to be lukewarm loved

 slain-in-the-spirit: Imagine how God feels.

thatetherealgirl: This hit me.

363ci: Revelation 3:16 = So because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

Yea this hits right now too.

 

Lukewarm “love” isn’t worthy of the name, when the heart of Love Himself is on fire.

God’s heart burns with love for us. When that hits us, it cannot help but spark a similar flame in our own hearts, however small it may start.

Feed that flame of love! Do not let it fizzle out or fade! Work it into a blazing ardor through acts of devotion and prayer. Start small, for your fire is yet a candle-light, but it will increase with every ounce of charity-fuel you put into it. Prayer gives you that fuel through grace. Without it, we’re helpless– we have no means to kindle a divine spark ourselves! But if God gives it, He will protect it. Pray for this!

During these 40 days of Lent, a spiritual desert whose nights bring terrible coldness & dark, set your eyes firmly on the heart of Christ, aflame with love for you– for you!!– and let that burning truth fill your own heart with zeal, pressing on towards the Cross, where that divine Love was proved… and is proven still.

Your cross, too, proves the heat of your love for God. Carry it! It us bringing you to Him!

 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Catholicism is inherently “weird & creepy” with “crazy ideas” according to the world; yes, we may affectionately and humorously use those terms for ourselves, but in truth we must also realize the bitter judgment behind them externally. It pains my heart to hear such comments because it implies the commenter only sees those qualities in our faith, not the beauty & mercy & love. We must pray sincerely for those people; their hearts are closed through misunderstanding, fear, or hatred, and Christ longs for their hearts to soften, repent, and return home to Him too.

Nevertheless, I am humbly grateful to be weird, creepy, & crazy, if that is how my relationship with Christ and His Church is perceived by the yet-unfaithful. It is a small yet significant joy & honor to see so many of us proclaiming the same.



“Yet even now,” declares the LORD, “return to Me with all your heart, with fasting, weeping, and mourning.”
Joel 2:12 BSB

To "break down the barriers separating your heart from God"-- to truly rend your heart-- you must first identify those barriers, those places so hardened and stiff they must be rent asunder lest you perish. It's tragically easy to find those spots-- whenever you feel resistance to His presence & input in a situation, whenever you feel unwilling or unable to pray, whenever you cannot hear His Voice or even remember what it sounds like-- all these frightening instances are barriers between your heart and His. They need to be removed-- destroyed completely, reduced to dust & ashes, beyond rebuilding-- but we have no strength to do that alone! All we can do is beg for help; all we can do is seek Him out, with feeble fervor if we must, but seek Him we must. When you cannot "pray," you can still cry to Him without words. When you cannot hear, you can still read Scripture. And when you feel that awful resistance, that is your greatest opportunity-- you can then show God EXACTLY where that obstacle is, and with hopeful trust, plead Him to remove it by His merciful grace. Then you must let Him work. You need only stand with Him and watch Him.

Over and over, moment to moment, breath by breath, you must constantly refocus on God. You must let Him into your broken heart, so He can remake it in His liking. The demolition is a rebirth. We fast from the world to feed upon Him. We weep for our sins to be grateful for His mercy. We mourn for Him Who died for us, because of us, so that we may feel the joy of the salvation His Blood bought for us.

When you let Him remove the chains shackling your soul to the secular world, you become free to embrace Him. Even if your wrists are bloodied and bruised, His pains to free you were greater, and you can take comfort in knowing that no amount of damage your soul or body may bear will ever deter Him from pulling you close. He is the Divine Physician; when He sees your wounds, He will kiss them to healing. Thus you must admit you have them, uncover them, offer them up to the divine scalpel and sutures if need be. Yes, the process is painful, but it is essential for life. Pain does not mean death, not if it is acted upon; it is only an alert that something needs to be rectified... and as you progress in penance, you shall find that what was once seen as suffering to the flesh is now sweet to your soul.

The call to penance is not a call to separation. In the very midst of our mortification, we are drawing closer to Christ. We are returning to the One Who loves us. We are coming home.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

HAPPY FORGIVENESS SUNDAY!

I’m not Orthodox, but the entire concept & celebration of Forgiveness Sunday is both deeply humbling and deeply beautiful.

Ask for forgiveness from God, ask for forgiveness from your neighbor– and then offer forgiveness to your neighbor in return, as we have received forgiveness from God.

Lent is all about forgiveness, mercy, & repentance. It’s a time to grow closer to God and act more like Christ, by loving & serving God and His people, and turning away from all sin, which harms those relationships.

Let us all look forward in hope to this time of penitence, for it is a time of restoration, and at the end of this desert road– by the way of the Cross– new life awaits us; life in the Lord!

Happy Forgiveness Sunday indeed! ๐Ÿ™โค

---------------------------------------------------------------------------




This statement is not wrong, but it is not completely right, either. It is a basic observation from a genuinely religious people, who are simply unaware of the transcendent nature of that other religion's building.

Let me begin by correctly affirming the implication here of divinity within nature:

"The entire material universe speaks of God’s love, His boundless affection for us. Soil, water, mountains: everything is, as it were, a caress of God... God has written a precious book, “whose letters are the multitude of created things present in the universe,” [and] no creature is excluded from this manifestation of God." (Pope Francis)

God absolutely speaks to all people through nature; the created world is our most direct and immediately universal revelation of the beauty of the Creator. "Natural religion" is called that for a reason; it is an instinctive response to the divinity we see reflected in the blessed earth around us. Some cultures stop there, and worship nature itself-- not realizing that nature is our sister, not our mother (as Saint Francis beautifully penned). Some cultures do imagine "gods" in control of nature, but they are not creators, not of the very hearts of things; nor do they satisfy the even deeper human desire for something greater-- something we can know and touch, here, to tell us vividly of God, of the Heart of beauty itself.

Honestly? I say we still miss the Garden. We still dream of Paradise, after being cast out from it. Our "wanting more" was misplaced, as we already had everything... everything except loss. So we lost everything, and now we ache to return, not because it was lovely, but because of why it was lovely... because of Who created it and us.

That is the deeper point. For the Christian-- and especially Catholic-- soul, there is a recognition and explanation of the innately longed-for depth beyond the surface sparkle:

"When we immerse ourselves in the beauty of nature and be attentive to what is going on in our soul, we find that we have a longing for even greater beauty. No one ever said, “That sunset was all I ever wanted to see.” We always want one that’s a little brighter, a little longer, a little more picturesque. The beauty in nature awakens in us the desire for Infinite Beauty, Jesus Christ Himself." (Christian Williams)

And THAT is where the "building" comes in. It is not 'necessary' for worship, or for prayer, or for talking and listening to God. Nature is, indeed, a wonderful place for all those things. But nature has not been specifically instituted by God as a memorial of His Saving Sacrifice, as a specific and sacred spot of spacetime where He can still be with us physically. God is there in nature, yes, but not literally so. You can only touch God through the hands of a priest, and such a staggering miracle both deserves and demands a particular place to occur, something "set apart" from even the beauty of the natural world, which-- although inherently good-- can easily get tangled up in pagan pantheism, and whose greatest beauty pales spectacularly in the Presence of Christ.

We go inside a building to talk to God because He is literally there. We built Him a house we can visit Him in, like a friend, like a lover-- a place uniquely His own, built by His family on earth, something tenderly human and beloved even in its flaws. A church is not a sunset, but oh, once you have met the Lord there, you would gladly give up ever seeing another sunset, if it meant you could stay with Him instead, and taste Heaven on earth.

You will never have to hunger for Paradise again.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

 

‘Eve After the Fall’. Auguste Rodin. 1886.

This is terribly powerful in its simplicity.

Consider: this is the first woman. The very first! She was created pure, joyful, as simple and guileless as a child. She had no shame, no guilt, no fear. She walked with God in Paradise, and the very concept of suffering– of sin & evil– was alien to her.

However… yes, she was pure, but she was not perfect. She was still fallible– she had free will, and the possibility of choosing wrongly was an inherent risk of that liberty.

Satan knew this.

One day, as Eve was admiring the one tree she was forbidden to eat from, a strange serpent slithered into her sight and hissed the first human temptation– mistrust in God.

“Did God really say that…?”

Eve’s faith was not perfect. Some key part of her heart was not fixed on her Lord. She doubted, she desired, she took the fruit that was not hers to take… and suddenly, she knew.

She knew she had sinned.

And look at her now! Look, at this first woman, this poor young child of God, once a stranger to death but now she has tasted it firsthand. Look at what that knowledge has done to her. Her legs are crossed in shameful self-awareness, one foot held back and hesitant, betraying her new inner instability. She has one arm wrapped tightly around her chest in a gesture of unquestionable distress, hiding not only her breasts but also her heart: two parts of her body once innocent, now tainted by the suggestions of sin. Her other arm speaks volumes. It is crossed over the other, closing her body language totally, but the hand is raised– feebly, not to shield from a blow but to deter all contact, all comfort. Don’t look at me, it says. Don’t touch me. Her guilt is too great. She turns her head away, but does not bury it completely; she has not fallen entirely into self-pity. Perhaps she is holding on to hope, to the only light she has left within reach– “her offspring will attack the serpent’s head.” Somewhere in the future, her now-miserable body will once again cooperate with God’s will, and then– oh, so soon, she prays– evil will be crushed. Perhaps then she could return to Paradise, to her Lord, and leave behind this terrible curse.

Until then, here she stands… fallen, but not forgotten.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------


I apologize for not posting anything specifically about Lent. I know it's tomorrow. I've been thinking about it constantly. But I've also been very sick, in and out of the ER, and that suffering is eating up my focus as well. I feel like a wreck of a Christian, struggling so much just with everyday living. I don't know what else I can give up, other than my fears and anxieties, so that is my goal. I will pray more, and panic less, and be merciful to myself and others, and hold tightly to my hope in God, and a life with Him after this. Lent means so much to me. I am grateful it is here, even if I am weaker and more pitiful spiritually than ever. God have mercy on me during this penitential season. I pray that this time heals my poor soul.

May Our Lord bless you all this Lent. May your devotion bring you ever closer to the Heart of Christ.

 


032722

Mar. 20th, 2022 03:47 am
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


Please pray for me to get through the rest of the night. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ˜ฃ

I keep ending up back in the ER; this is at least the 6th time within two months. It's been with electrolyte imbalances, dangerously low heart rate & blood pressure, sudden allergic reactions, chest pain, nausea & vomiting, and feeling like I'm suffocating. Too much. I wonder how much is COVID.

I know I am sharing in the Cross of Christ but it is still painful, and frightening. Nevertheless if Our Lord wills it I shall continue to carry it, by His grace alone. I must keep my mind fixed on Him.

prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


Honest but odd question.

I have been endeavoring to attend daily Mass for about a month now, often twice a day, whenever possible. However I fear my mental health & living situation are worsening. Is this spiritual warfare, or am I being punished for somehow receiving the Eucharist unworthily? Can someone as sick and stupid as me ever be properly disposed to receive Him? Do I have a mortal sin I am unaware of?

I feel like I cannot attend Mass often enough. Often I will leave one Mass, joyful, then realize I cannot make it to a second due to problems with time or distance, and weep uncontrollably. I feel like my soul is starving to death. I want to live in a church. I miss God so much when I'm at home; I'm so miserable and wretched and sinful, it feels as if I could drink an entire font of holy water and never be clean. I want to be a good girl but all my best efforts fail, and the paltry things I do are never good enough or properly executed. I'm stupid and selfish and a whiny crybaby with anger issues and one very broken brain & body, and my family hates it. No wonder I can't receive Holy Communion properly; I can't even communicate with my own family. If I'm suffering a great deal here but it's sinful suffering, trapped in illness, will I be damned to hell because "well you obviously like living this way or you would have changed things!"? What is mercy supposed to achieve if justice demands I pay my weight in blood here? I should be punished for my idiocy and forgetfulness. Otherwise I will become even more evil I'm sure. But I'm so afraid of justice, because I deserve to die and I don't want to die as a filthy stinking monster. I want to be good but I don't know how. I feel incapable.

This is becoming a ramble but there is a great deal of pain in my heart and I feel like God is fed up with me too. I'm so afraid, such a stupid wretched ugly thing, good for nothing. I want to be good but don't know how and I feel so unloved and I'm losing all will to live. Please pray for me, whatever that entails.

I will likely delete this in the morning. Thank you for your patience, and I apologize.

112021

Nov. 20th, 2021 11:29 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

Today was the worst day I’ve had since North Carolina, in terms of the eating disorder. Looking back on the day, I can pinpoint a few reasons as to why. First, my sleeping schedule has been disturbed by the several days the plumbers were here-- they would stay until almost 10PM, and their movement, the smell of the paints and glues, and the constant social interaction overwhelm made sure that I also couldn’t leave the kitchen or relax or function in a healthy conscious manner until they left… meaning, until after 10PM. I’m usually asleep by that time, so this was a huge problem. Three days forms a pattern and there were three solid days of that, and I got stuck. Furthermore, with all the doctor’s appointments I’ve had lately, I’m now stuck back in the routine of not being able to eat breakfast until 3PM or later. This promotes later eating and also huge fasting times, both of which wreak havoc on my body and brain. But on top of all this, I’ve been getting “trauma triggered” way too often lately, and that is disturbing. I really, truly wish I could just forget it all, and live as if it never happened, as if my life was pure and clean and real and good. I know I try, but all I do is run and bury things. My mother told me to my face today, that my eating addiction is just me “running away from my problems” and “refusing to face what’s wrong with me.” I didn’t say anything in response because that was a point-blank straight shot and she’s right. It hit hard, and it was a shock, but she’s right. It’s humiliating and embarrassing because honestly, I don’t like to think of myself as someone who would run away from her problems. I never used to, and honestly my self-image keeps desperately grasping at who I was around 2007 or earlier, in that “pure period” before I met Jacob and when I first started socializing online, when I was an absolute saccharine goody-two-shoes who everyone thought was a little old lady because I called everyone “sweetheart” and “honey” and didn’t have a bad bone in my body. At least, that was how I was conscious of myself at the time, God bless. But that was the ideal. I was severely dissociated at the time but I had no idea. Everything negative and traumatic and evil inside of me was hypercompartmentalized and God knows I wish I could do that again now, but North Carolina utterly destroyed all of that. Would you believe that was already three years ago? How is that even possible; it literally feels like it was yesterday. And that is disturbing too, considering it all feels like a fever dream still, most of it covered in thick bleary fog to prevent me from seeing anything too clearly, and absolutely to prevent me from feeling anything that might very likely make me want to die. Nevertheless, things leak through, and break through, and that has been happening a lot lately, despite my running away through the eating disorder, and in a real sense refusing to admit that because I keep trying to rewind to high school and pretend nothing ever happened and I’m still a Mary-Sue who doesn’t realize that people can be abusive in the first place. So there’s that whole thought process looped back around, I hope. I’m not paragraph breaking here because I have to write two full pages for therapy per day and I miss typing and I want to get as much as possible written, haha. Also I must admit, I’m cheating a little bit for my bloodwork tomorrow, please allow me this non sequitur before I jump into some hard typing. I’m supposed to fast from midnight but with the frankly terrifying day I had in terms of the eating disorder, I’m letting myself drink water until 1AM, which means I have 7 more minutes, good Lord in heaven how is it this late, this is like the college days, or even worse, like North Carolina. So let’s just go right to that topic. I barely remember anything about that time period for two very big and very significant reasons: 1. It was devastatingly traumatic, and 2. I was not present during that time. Oh yes! Lest we forget I lived as a profoundly fractured multiple personality system for ten years straight before North Carolina completely annihilated that entire function, God knows I still haven’t recovered and yet I still won’t look at it because I don’t think I can cope yet… but yes, people have been waking up in tiny ways lately, thank God, thank God, let me drink some Pedialyte here before I run out of time, wow this is one heck of a stream of consciousness document, ah well, at least I’m getting two pages in, hooray, congratulations. You can tell I’m sleep deprived and depressed because I’m in “semi-manic mode” with this behavior which means that if I stop and let myself feel the crushing devastation of my addiction and the reality of my sinful idiocy and the fact that I don’t think God is talking to me anymore because He’s mad at me because I’ve potentially committed mortal sins with my absolute stupid behavior lately concerning food = drugs??? I took $25 out of my grandmother’s purse today so I could buy ten entire cans of Italian wedding soup which I promptly threw up. Why do I do this? Because something in my head says “I have to figure out if I like them” and why is that? What does that accomplish? Well, I think I know. It’s-- foolishly-- trying to figure out “who I am.” It’s trying to form an “identity” based on likes and preferences and such because hey guess what, it’s never done that before, thanks D.I.D. But you know what? Screw likes and preferences, pardon my language but it’s bitterness and intense grief talking. Absolutely to hell with likes and preferences and soup and cereal and all the other garbage I’ve been “addicted to” for conceptual and symbolic reasons lately. Milk addiction? The child-voice in my head demanding pudding cups because she wants to remember what it was like to be 7 years old in the body when the family was still together and grandma was still making desserts and nights were warm and cozy and safe and I didn’t have to worry about IBS or trauma and I could just sit down and eat tapioca pudding with strawberry sauce out of a crystal cup before going to bed in a golden-carpeted room. That part of my brain-- an actual alter that survived somehow, untouched by trauma somehow-- is crying because she just wants to eat pudding because she associates it with gentleness and innocence and child-life and really, there’s a sort of fragile pitiable quality to the whole idea: a sort of tininess, a softness, a meekness and weakness and need to be protected associated with the very visual and sensual concept of a small child with tousled hair sitting on a chair twice her size and eating a pudding cup. It almost makes me want to cry. Milk-based foods, especially puddings, have this sort of textural and “social” association to them that is absolutely childlike. Adults don’t eat them because adults are strong and stable and mature and powerful. Only little kids eat pudding because it’s soft and simple and weak and easily hurt and you need a spoon to eat it because it’s the total opposite of hard and tough. You don’t even chew it. But you also don’t drink it. And there’s another huge tangent I must get into. My brain associates food with trauma, explicitly, for many reasons. Most are too frightening to talk about. But, there’s another interesting aspect to it-- eating, even the word itself, is inherently violent. Biting and chewing are acts of violence. They are, by nature, annihilatory and angry and a form of attack. When I bite something, it is a predatory act, often accompanied by feelings of destructive wrath. But swallowing things is terrifying. It’s traumatic. This is why I am chronically dehydrated: because I realized, about two days ago, that drinking is inherently traumatic as well, because it is the opposite of violent. Whereas biting and chewing are actively aggressive, drinking things is passive and receptive and hey guess what, that’s exactly what sexual trauma feels like. Swallowing is associated with rape and drinking is all about it. This is ALSO why I absolutely cannot eat with someone else nearby, except my grandmother who is absolutely safe and desexualized, because I immediately feel invaded and violated and I start to panic and throw up and cry and scream and attack people and hurt myself and generally just want to die. And that’s exactly what happened today, almost immediately after I started to eat “breakfast” around 14:00 after having fasted for approximately 18 hours straight again! My mom came up the house with literal bins full of food ingredients, brought my brother into the kitchen-- who is, weirdly, almost always doped up during the day so he shows far too many passive schizophrenic symptoms for my flashback-prone brain to bear-- and began talking and cooking at a manic rate. And my brother decided to stand right next to me to peel potatoes and beets, cornering me between the sink and stove, with the room full of noise and food and
garbage so that there was nowhere safe to go either physically or sensorily, and then I made the absolutely stupid mistake of putting a slice of cucumber into my mouth as all this was happenning. And I am telling you honestly, it felt like I was being raped. It felt as if I was experiencing sexual assault. There was something in my mouth, and the environment was hysterically unsafe, and it was honestly traumatic. And right there is where my conscious memory blacks out. I was already having a panic attack at the time, unable to breathe and crying, and that eating trigger just shut off my brain. So that’s when my consciousness fails. Of course I was still conscious in that I didn’t faint, but my consciousness in terms of “am I aware, am I a person, am I going to remember any of this,” etc. was absolutely not working. Hence the eating disorder hell that followed. I know there was a bit of a conscious kickback as I was saying the Divine Mercy Chaplet because I wanted to be conscious so badly, but I kept wavering in and out. Same with the Mass afterwards, because my mom and grandma kept talking over it and whenever people talk and I get involved, actively or passively, I black out of conscious awareness. It’s something about conversation and it never fails, but it drives me into automated idiot mode and I am NOT myself at all, ever, and I hate it so much. But yes. Memory is SHOT and I kid you not, I was not aware again until I was choking down a bowl of Crispix around 8PM-- five entire bloody hours later-- solely because I was CRYING over it and begging God to make it stop, because I was tired and wanted to go to bed but I felt like I “had to eat it” because I had to “figure out if I liked it” and God only knows why I keep doing that. Why the cereal checks? No idea. I hate cereal even conceptually, but I keep buying and eating it and it might solely be because I’m dehydrated and my body is desperately seeking high-liquid foods, hence the soup addiction as well. But yes. Then I blacked out again and I don’t remember anything else until I was forcing down toast and yogurt as my brother data-dumped about Pokemon in the kitchen, and I only remember that because I was SO dissociated that I was AWARE I was “watching myself” act like an absolute moron and wondering why am I doing this, this is not the life I want to live, God help me, and then I lose it again until I “wake up” in the bathroom choking down ginger ale so I could vomit and crying because it was now 11PM and I was morally and physically and emotionally and spiritually exhausted. That’s when I started wondering about the mortal sin issue, and honestly I am extremely worried about it. Now I am obviously mentally compromised with this idiotic eating disorder, BUT just how “conscious” am I of its evil? Am I CHOOSING to sin with this? I honestly don’t know. I KNOW it’s not a good thing to do. Overeating, buying garbage, vomiting, wasting food and money, taking food and money from family members to fuel this horrific vice, etc. are ALL grossly evil things. BUT I DON’T WANT TO DO IT. I want to stop, I wish I never had to eat again, I don’t want to be like this. And yet I keep doing it, and crying all the while, and begging God to help me and stop me and save me, but He’s not answering, and I’m too much of a cowardly stupid idiot to stop on my own, and I keep buying soup and cereal FOR UNKNOWN REASONS other than possible dehydration and it’s just destroying me. I wish I could just sit and pray and read the Bible for hours every day instead, SHUT UP devil in my head, I know you don’t want to but that’s because you’re an absolute stupid morally bankrupt moron who wouldn’t know what happiness is if it punched you in the face. So shut up. Shut up. I WANT TO PRAY. I miss praying the Rosary every night with my grandmother, God I want to weep, I haven’t said it since the hospital I don’t think, what happened to me? Why is my schedule such an absolute moral nightmare? Why can’t I get things together enough to have the time to pray and sleep and type and be good? God why won’t you help me in these respects yet? I cannot do it alone, I’M just as much of a moron as that stupid whiny lazy selfish complaining devil voice which I hate. I KNOW I love you, God, and that I WANT to pray for HOURS every day but I can’t??? Solely because I cannot seem to be myself with this eating disorder and the fact that I keep losing conscious control of myself for unknown reasons, and it’s worsened by trauma triggers? I don’t know. It’s… I don’t even know if it’s a cross to carry. It just feels like punishment loops for my stupidity. All I know is that I’m utterly exhausted and I don’t want to sin anymore and I’m not choosing this in any “mentally sound” manner. Does that still make it a mortal sin? I know it’s wrong but I’m also terrified that if I DON’T eat all this junk my malnourished underweight body WILL STARVE AND DIE and although I wouldn’t mind a hospital stay again, I DO mind not being home to help my grandmother. It’s a mess. Honestly my brain is fried. I’m too tired. I have to be on the road in 6 hours so GOOD NIGHT!

 

 

Profile

prismaticbleed: (Default)
prismaticbleed

June 2025

S M T W T F S
1234567
89101112 1314
15161718192021
22232425262728
2930     

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 2nd, 2025 05:23 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios