prismaticbleed | scrupulosity (Reply)

Honest but odd question.

I have been endeavoring to attend daily Mass for about a month now, often twice a day, whenever possible. However I fear my mental health & living situation are worsening. Is this spiritual warfare, or am I being punished for somehow receiving the Eucharist unworthily? Can someone as sick and stupid as me ever be properly disposed to receive Him? Do I have a mortal sin I am unaware of?

I feel like I cannot attend Mass often enough. Often I will leave one Mass, joyful, then realize I cannot make it to a second due to problems with time or distance, and weep uncontrollably. I feel like my soul is starving to death. I want to live in a church. I miss God so much when I'm at home; I'm so miserable and wretched and sinful, it feels as if I could drink an entire font of holy water and never be clean. I want to be a good girl but all my best efforts fail, and the paltry things I do are never good enough or properly executed. I'm stupid and selfish and a whiny crybaby with anger issues and one very broken brain & body, and my family hates it. No wonder I can't receive Holy Communion properly; I can't even communicate with my own family. If I'm suffering a great deal here but it's sinful suffering, trapped in illness, will I be damned to hell because "well you obviously like living this way or you would have changed things!"? What is mercy supposed to achieve if justice demands I pay my weight in blood here? I should be punished for my idiocy and forgetfulness. Otherwise I will become even more evil I'm sure. But I'm so afraid of justice, because I deserve to die and I don't want to die as a filthy stinking monster. I want to be good but I don't know how. I feel incapable.

This is becoming a ramble but there is a great deal of pain in my heart and I feel like God is fed up with me too. I'm so afraid, such a stupid wretched ugly thing, good for nothing. I want to be good but don't know how and I feel so unloved and I'm losing all will to live. Please pray for me, whatever that entails.

I will likely delete this in the morning. Thank you for your patience, and I apologize.