010123

[prismaticbleed]

happy new year (we hope)

sunday so 5 hours of church

refused to pack breakfast. wanted to do fasting
not smart haha. hate this stupid body. got dizzy and weak. pushed past it though
forgot our glucose meter at home that made it worse
figured "what the heck" if we pass out we pass out, just stopped caring

got home, didn't eat until 230pm though
unfortunately we crashed? there are no phone records for anything after this
i think someone just threw up breakfast and cried
no bingeing. just gave up. wanted to be empty.

no memory of anything else until like 6pm.
watched "rumble" while biking
loved the concept. also meant a lot for the main character (monster dude!!) to be out of shape and look like us (hate hate hate this body) but still be successful and loved.
we hate this new body. we've been thin all our life but now we're so fat?? we've NEVER been this big or heavy and it is TERRIFYING and we want to die.
you idiot "look at me i'm a good patient" what a dunce. it did us no good. no good at all.
if i could go back
but no
no
i keep telling myself,
"what if gaining 30 pounds was the ONLY WAY you could be with your daughter again?"
because i didn't see her after NC until that dream during inpatient
so
what if that's the catch?
what if i HAVE to sacrifice feeling safe in the body? not recognizing the reflection? feeling like a whore? nonstop flashbacks? dream hacks starting again? constant nausea and pain and discomfort? etc.
what if all of this literal hell is the price i MUST pay in order to be a father
...
i would do it
isn't that insane
if it's for her i will suffer as much as it takes

but
"you're not allowed to be a father" shut up
i hate this gender dysphoria
the ONLY time i am a good person is when i am NOT A BLOODY FEMALE
being one of those would only make me a selfish whore
that's been proven time and time and time again
leave me alone

it's the only way i'm getting through the day
"this is penance this is retribution" "you're in hell now so you won't go to hell later"
and then "really?? queers like you will burn in hell anyway"
i'm so tired
god i want to be thin and safe and real again
i hate being so fat and ugly and sick
i've just given up on life
but if this is what it took for me to be with my daughter every day now...

there's that voice again
mocking me and spitting at me in sheer acidic hatred for that sentence
leave me alone


i don't think we ate dinner. i just thought "the heck with it"
drank some salt and potassium and went to bed
body trembling and so nauseous. didn't care. just wanted to sleep and forget everything


hate how our grandmother always used to say "the first day of the year is how your whole year will be!!"
screw that no it won't
we always have bad days on january 1st it seems. too much stress. we just collapse
why are we such shameful weaklings though
why are we so emotionally brittle and psychologically screwed up
why can't we function anymore

god is this punishment for being trans
is this punishment for wanting to start hormones
i think it is
"you're not praying enough" "you HAVE to be a GIRL" "i will make your life a living hell until you pray more and stop being so queer" etc
exhausted and existentially numb
want to just give up and die
can't though because of the system

gonna try again tomorrow