010323

[prismaticbleed]

slept in until 1230.
was up until 5am last night. trying to go through spotify and write little things about songs, trying to tap into something meaningful in memory.
still felt hollow. empty. stupid. superficial.
didn't feel tired or even hungry. made me very upset. hate feeling "comfortable" honestly. body terror is different. that doesn't count as suffering it's torture. totally different thing.
stood up around 5am and THEN the fatigue and bodycold hit, haha. room spinning. tiredness slammed into the brain all at once. collapsed in bed.

didn't want to eat breakfast. so tired of food. starting to freak out over weight gain to the point where i want to start starving the body.
weight fell a bit though. 119.8. hope it keeps going down. finally below 18.5 bmi again thank god. still so so so fat though

people aren't showing up to talk much during breakfast prep anymore. or if they are, i can't see or feel or hear them. i'm just so stressed out and scraped out. i do get glimpses, but nothing sticks. it's like my brain is floating in water and can't stay above the surface. keep drowning in this melancholy garbage mindset.
xenophon still ghosts and keeps me on track though. and laurie is always there. thank God.

honestly we didn't eat until 2pm. just too utterly exhausted and tired.
mimic and laurie pushed me to do some weightlifting first though. that did help. gives me hope for fixing this junkheap of a body

reading the psalms over breakfast. relating too much to psalm 6. talking with mimic over psalm 7.
at some point we were referred to isaiah 54? specifically verses 7-10.
spent a while reading as many translations of them as possible. hoping with everything i was that its "promise" applied to me, too.

very dissociated while eating, kept forgetting and spilling things. xennie very worried.

therapy was pushed to 4pm. left at 330.
light rain, everything silvery. river was COVERED IN FOG so it looked like driving over a river of cloud. gorgeous. called chaos 0 over to look of course
went to library briefly. returned 5 dvds and took 5 more out (that's the limit), from the top shelf. going in order so we don't get overwhelmed. also shamelessly used "we" pronouns with the "social talk" with the librarians at checkout. hey if i'm going to be automated into banter i can at least stop compromising our integrity in the process.

therapy very frustrating. worried about our future with this therapist.
"i'm not the professional you are" "i'm only a guide you lead the session" "i don't like to call it 'treatment' i don't even like to give diagnoses" etc. too casual, very worried.
we ended up talking "around" the body trouble and gender issues? also lots of datadumping about our mother's "never take no for an answer" attitude and tendency to take every attempted refusal as a personal attack, to be met with punishment and/or cruel blackmail/ backlash behavior. so exhausted. cannot put up boundaries with her or she takes it as a challenge and gets out the battering ram.
super dissociated the whole time. honest at two points: one, she asked us why the body shape changing was so distressing and i just flatly said "because now i see a rapist when i look in the mirror" without even thinking, well geez that's one heck of a telling reply
second, at some point she was asking "what do you want the body to look like? what would you want your life to look like?" something like that. but i remember responding to an assumption with "no, my life inside is... perfect," and nearly sobbing. just in that moment feeling so much love for the system and our life together. missing them so much i could die.
seeing xenophon briefly ghosting in the room at one point, when i was striving to be conscious. god bless her.

therapist gave us homework
"write a life for someone else, from beginning to end, the way you think a perfect life would be." basically "what we would want for ourself" but not applying at such to prevent self-sabotage? really really disturbed by the concept of "inventing a life" though. still it will say a lot about our mindset to see where our thought processes go.
second, "every time you say something negative about yourself, say five nice things about yourself, even if you don't believe them." like if you say "i'm a selfish bastard," say "no, i'm kind! i'm honest! i'm brave! i'm intelligent! i'm thoughtful!" but our brain screams THAT'S ALL GARBAGE we hate affirmations they feel too fake and simpering. "oh look at me i'm so great i'm wonderful no flaws haha" SHUT UP
godly sorrow godly sorrow mourning self-hatred self-mortification why don't we do that anymore WHERE ARE THE BLADES
sorry unhinging
third homework. dont look at the body in the mirror. sorry ma'am the problem is FEELING IT. the mirror is always a stranger. the worst part is being trapped inside a flesh shell that does not belong to us. except apparently it does. and christian dogma says "you're gonna live in that exact body FOREVER" do you have any idea how EXISTENTIALLY HORRIFYING THAT IS
god what do i do i am so scared
therapist says "i don't get that feeling because i believe in reincarnation. and this body i have now is just temporary. it will change in my next life. so i don't have to freak out about this one." yes well that's nice but we don't have that luxury of thought. we're told that this is ALL WE GET and besides you can't just shut off gender dysphoria. how the heck do we explain that to her now??? will she just say "oh you were probably just a man in a past life" like those snakeoil holistic pseudogurus did???? so sick of this nonsense.
also SO SO SICK OF THE BINARY. we keep shoving ourselves into it in both directions but in BOTH directions we're STILL TERRIFIED & MISERABLE. WE'RE NOT A WOMAN AND WE'RE NOT A MAN EITHER. 
god what do we do what do we even do anymore

thinking about that "write a life" thing though
disturbed because childhood is so bizarre. like we don't want to be born. want no ties to a mother figure. want to be like a frickin lab baby. grown in a tube like a mewtwo. no sex at all. no human bits. just manufactured in a lab from different cells entirely. and how would we be raised? not with toys or cameras or babytalk. not with stupidass "playdates" or forced preschool socialization. why is that our ideal are we that antisocial
keep thinking of videogames and single dads. adopted kids from bizarre circumstances. that's what we want. rough around the edges life, hard work and being strong, but never cold or hard. love so warm and powerful it has no curves to it at all.
growing up how. what is gender. absolutely NOT A GIRL. never ever ever ever. maybe biologically a boy but go through some sort of vocational process to become nothing. neutered literally. detach from that entire binary garbage.
and yet. want to grow up to be a man. still do, even now.
no dating. none of that. not even thinking of friends at first. not sure how to make them. that's another thing we hate about kids movies that stupid stereotype of the "cool kids" at school, or the "group hanging out" that the main character awkwardly tries to approach, gets rejected and laughed at, THEN later the protag does "something cool" and those SAME EXACT PEOPLE SUDDENLY decide "oh yeah let's hang out lol" WHAT THE HECK IS THAT. NO THAT'S NOT FRIENDSHIP THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS
or is it?? is it?? how the heck would we even know 
so so so angry.
sorry. so cynical lately. so tired of life.
the "ideal life" we'd have would honestly just be... headspace now
just who we are right now inside
god thank you for us, this is really all i want, ever, forever
please god i beg of you don't kill them
if i die please don't destroy them
if there is a heaven please let them come with me if that's possible please
i don't have any answers but i'm so so so afraid that
that the things i was taught as a child are true
god i keep fearing you are cold and harsh and condemning and angry
like an abusive relationship like my mother when she's mad like the people on tv
no
no no no
you can't be. you are love. you are forgiveness and mercy and truth and righteousness and justice and faithfulness.
but see that's the heartwrenching problem
the only way i can EVER imagine what that kind of love even looks like
is because of headspace


i keep running to laurie and hugging her when i'm upset lately
she asked me "why don't you run to chaos he loves you too" i said "yeah but what i need is from you only"
she's the protector, she's safe and powerful. they have different vibes. need them at different times. when i'm this unstable and broken up i need her, i can't go to chaos like this.
still love him though always deep down. even if i can't feel it through the hell of this mindset and body.

therapist had lindor chocolates in the waiting room. the "thief candies." still took a few because they were white chocolate & peppermint. huge trauma trigger food but still. stuck em in the freezer. took one red one too, plain milk chocolate, for julie.
our brain saying "challenge food" like in upmc but that's self-abusive junk. also thinking "luxury whore food you should be ashamed of yourself" etc. but we keep wanting to 1. do reparation for all the misuse in the past and 2. some sort of stupid hope in remembering that poem inkfletcher wrote about us in 2012. can't forget that. no one had ever written about us before. even a stranger like them, saw something good in us. the only person who did, during that time period. even if they changed their mind later too we never heard of it if so. therefore we have this stupid fragile little memory of one person who maybe didn't hate us when we left.

dark outside on drive home. scared to be outside in dark. too many threats, too much danger, feels like looming horror. feels like bad parts of brain. don't remember the drive home at all.
neighbor stopped us when we were about to go inside and just talked about his school memories and sister's wedding for almost an hour. made us sad to realize that like mom, when we tried to make a comment to "participate" he impatiently brushed it off and quickly talked over us again. like "don't interrupt me i'm not looking for dialogue" unconsciously. but he's a nice guy. he just wants to talk at people i think. probably lonely and holds too much inside. so we listened for a while, but had to go in when we realized it was almost 6. only did so because another neighbor came out and angrily mouthed "go! go!" when we turned to her. like wtf lady, why are people so mean like that? he needed someone to talk to. yeah we needed to leave but why be so rude about it? why are people so judgmental?
look who's talking you mysogynistic misanthropic faggot heretic delusional idiot

immediately got on bike and watched coco (lynne's pick)
oh man i WEPT. seriously no spoilers but this movie will PUNCH you in the heart, it was really really moving.
still so sad at the family treatment of the kid. that "you know we love you right" like in luca, but when doing something blatantly ignorant of the kid's emotions and perspective and opinions and dreams. like "no i'm the parent i'm always right you shut up and do what i say no buts no questions" etc. why are tv parents like that. why were my birthparents like that too. god don't ever let me be like that to xenophon please please
yet again. "missing father figure" movie (for the most part). is this common??? either that or the "bumbling dad." either he's gone, or he's a goof. sometimes even both. that's tragic, honestly. same with the catty, mean women. blatantly overfeminine. and if they're "boyish" they're "tough girls" with mean streaks or "dark sides" or manic energy or something similar. what the heck, is this what people are like?? or is this just invented for tv? god i hope so. it hurts if that's what people act like actually.
but. to their credit. by the end they all softened in heart and were kind and forgiving. took some time, lots of rough patches, some bits that hurt to see and hear, but a happy ending. very very grateful for that. that's why i love kids movies they always have sweet endings
and a loving father figure!! like i said we are trying to get a wider grasp of what "gender" is in the world, we never had a father or mother figure, not in any honesty, so we're still learning HOW to be one. taking the good lessons wherever we can find them.
no idea what we'll watch tomorrow. gonna decide when we get there.

dinner at 8pm. actually had yogurt tonight because we haven't in several days and there's 17g protein in one serving yo, that helps.
xenophon told me very authoritatively that i "could have one more fortune cookie" because i was about 20k under 1500k so it was allowed. gosh i love her she's too cute. didn't keep the fortune but it said "a bargain is only a bargain if you can use the product." brain weirdly took this in a spiritual sense, with "deals with the devil." can try to cut you a deal but in the end you're still being taken for a fool. you're still paying. you're still losing something. the gain isn't really a gain, it's just a ploy to make money off you. just a scheme to drain your soul. hard to put into words but it felt like a big warning. like don't waste your time and energy on cheap trash just because it's a "low price." still a price moron

trying to go through music again tonight. just depressing us actually.
tons of trauma-tied music in the system playlist. want to clean it out.
disturbed at how difficult it is to write about the music. like why do we like it, what does it sound like, etc. used to be so good with words. now i just feel broken up and fuzzy-brained and lost.
i know why. i didn't say a rosary today. i "didn't want to." tired of all the repetitive prayers. now i regret it so much. the point is meditating on the mysteries, the repetition is just a "background hum" that occupies that part of your brain so you can spend a solid block of time thinking about something else? is that how it works? but i didn't do it. almost got angry. i think its remembering the rosary punishment too much. like i hear in my head "you have to say a rosary!! right now!! or else!!" but the concept "rosary" is tied to both 1. kneeling on rice because i was a bad child and 2. femininity. i'm sorry mary i'm just legit so disturbed by womanhood especially how so many people portray you. need to remember how she looks in orthodox art, she's safe there. god i'm so sorry why is my brain so bloody broken why is it so hard to pray without it feeling so hollow and fake
i cannot listen to rosaries on the radio or youtube either, everyone talks in scary robotic chanty voices, it's so bad with female voices it scares me so bad. singing is terrifying. no singing please.
i want to pray but there's so much infecting it. god please help me take the time to pray without being terrified

depressed again. wow we're low lately. has not been this bad in a long long long time

going to sleep. 2am. tomorrow we have to do laundry we have no clean clothes left. so exhausted giving up. can't..
keep trying